TESLA AND SPACEX FOUNDER ELON MUSK SENT A SURPRISING
MESSAGE TO RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
HIS TWEET, PARTIALLY IN RUSSIAN READS, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE
VLADIMIR PUTIN TO SINGLE COMBAT. STAKES ARE UKRAINE."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> YOU HAVE SELECTED RUSSIA.
ROUND ONE: >> LET US FIGHT.
>> WINNER TAKES UKRAINE. >> POISON UNDERWEAR!
POISON UNDERWEAR! >> CRAZY TWEET!
CRAZY TWEET! >> POISON SUSHI!
POISON SUSHI! >> WHATEVER THIS IS.
>> I HAVE RUBLES! >> I HAVE DOGECOIN!
>> THEY ARE BOTH WORTHLESS! >> GAME OVER.
NOBODY WINS.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PUTIN ON THE FRITZ.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
ANNE HATHAWAY AND DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SEAT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UP THERE, DOWN HERE, OH, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,s SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
WELCOME. WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CALENDARS. IT IS MARCH 15th, OTHERWISE
KNOWN AS THE IDES OF MARCH, AND I INVITE THE RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS
IN PUTIN'S INNER CIRCLE TO CELEBRATE THE DAY IN WHATEVER
WAY SEEMS MOST APPROPRIATE. ( CHEERS AND APLAUSE )
WHAT IT IS. JUST TAKE A STAB AT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) MONSTROUS FOR UKRAINE, BUT IT'S
ALSO NOT GOING SO GREAT FOR RUSSIA.
ALMOST ALL OF THE RUSSIAN ADVANCES IN UKRAINE REMAIN
STALLED. IN FACT, U.S. INTELLIGENC
( APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
LET US CELEBRATE WHILE WE CAN. IN FACT, U.S. INTELLIGENCE
ACTUALLY INTERCEPTED THE LATEST PROGRESS REPORT FROM THE RUSSIAN
MILITARY: AND... THE INVASION IS
BUFFERING. IT'S BUFFERING.
TOUGH-- TOUGH TO GET A SIGNAL OUT THERE.
THE RUSSIANS ARE BOGGED DOWN PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE,
INCLUDING THE INFAMOUS CONVOY NORTH OF KYIV, WHICH DID NOT
APPRECIABLY PROGRESS OVER THE WEEKEND.
OH, THAT'S GOTTA MAK TRAFFIC HELL:
( AS TRAFFIC REPORTER ) BACKWARDS ONES.
TANKS ARE BUMPER-TO-CANNON ON ROAD TO KYIV.
DRIVERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SURRENDER.
NOW, FOR WEATHER, WE GO TO CLOUDY OLEK, WITH THE FIVE-DAY
GRAY-CAST." ( LAUGHTER )
DID THAT SOUND LIKE-- CHOPPER. >> Jon: SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
HEY RUSSIA'S MILITARY FAILURES HAVE
INSPIRED HOPE FOR PEACE WITHIN THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT.
ONE ADVISOR TO ZELENSKYY SAYS THE WAR COULD BE OVER BY MAY.
JUST IN TIME FOR SUMMER. AND ZELENSKYY'S BODY IS BEACH
READY, BABY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THING IS, THAT'S NOT A PHOTOSHOP.
AND I'M NOT SURPRISED A PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE THAT.
I'M SURPRISED A COMEDIAN LOOKS LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) FRANKLY, I FIND IT OFFENSIVE!
ONE OF THE MORE BRUTAL TACTICS RUSSIA HAS EMPLOYED IN UKRAINE
IS ABDUCTING AT LEAST TWO MAYORS TO INSTALL PRO-RUSSIAN
REPLACEMENTS. BUT THAT DOESN'T SCARE KYIV
MAYOR AND FORMER BOXER, VITALI KLITSCHKO.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF THE RUSSIANS TRY TO KIDNAP YOU?
>> I AM READY TO FIGHT. THIS WILL BE NOT EASY TO DO
THAT. >> Stephen: DAMN STRAIGHT.
THAT GUY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHO ? THAT GUY WAS HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BRING HIM
IN. PLUS, MAYORS ALL HAVE THOSE
GIANT SCISSORS FOR CUTTIN' RIBBONS!
THERE ISN'T A PRISON DOOR THAT CAN HOLD HIM!
WE'RE GOING, FOLLOW ME! IN FACT, THERE HASN'T BEEN A
MAYOR THIS TOUGH SINCE FORMER CAN UFC CHAMP ROGER McCHEESE.
ONE TOWN WHOSE MAYOR HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A PRO-RUSSIAN PUPPET
IS MELITOPOL, AND THE NEW NOT-REALLY-MAYOR THERE TOLD
RESIDENTS THAT RUSSIAN STATE TELEVISION CHANNELS WOULD NOW BE
BROADCAST IN MELITOPOL, SO PEOPLE COULD GET ACCURATE
INFORMATION. YES, THEY'LL BE TREATED TO
ACCURATE RUSSIAN STORIES LIKE: "DESPITE HOW YOU FEEL, YOU ARE
HAPPY." ( LAUGHTER )
RUSSIAN STATE CHILDREN'S PROGRAM, PEPPA POTATO.
WE ALL KNOW HER CATCHPHRASE, SAY IT WITH ME:
>> Audience: IT'S POTATO! >> Stephen: EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
EVERYBODY LOVES THAT ONE. >> Jon: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
"IT'S POTATO." >> Stephen: THE WORLD CONTINUES
TO RALLY AROUND UKRAINE. TODAY, LEADERS FROM POLAND, THE
CZECH REPUBLIC, AND SLOVENIA TRAVELED TO KYIV TO EXPRESS
SOLIDARITY. WOW, THAT IS SUPER BRAVE.
PROBABLY NOT THE EASIEST TRIP TO PACK FOR, THOUGH:
"HONEY, WHICH SHIRT DO YOU THINK GOES BEST WITH MY BLACK FLACK
JACKET? ALSO, DO WE HAVE ANY TRAVEL-SIZE
MOLOTOV COCKTAILS? THEY HAVE TO BE LESS THAN THREE
OUNCES." NOW, OF COURSE, BECAUSE OF THE
CONFLICT, THE LEADERS COULDN'T FLY.
INSTEAD, THEY SET OUT FOR KYIV BY TRAIN.
WOW, THE TRAINS ARE STILL RUNNING THERE?"
EUROPEAN TRAIN SERVICE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS.
THE ONLY WAR ZONE YOU SEE ON AMTRAK IS THE BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) STATE MEDIA ARE BEGINNING TO
SIDE AGAINST THE WAR. CHECK OUT WHAT HAPPENED
YESTERDAY ON RUSSIAN STATE TV NEWS:
>> Stephen: THAT IS INCREDIBLY
BRAVE AND INSPIRING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT AN EASY CHOICE. I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE STAND UP
TO A LYING AUTOCRAT LIKE THAT SINCE TUCKER CARLSON WAS
PROTESTED BY THE GREEN M&M. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE WOMAN-- STAND STRONG. NOW, THE WOMAN WAS MARINA MARINA
OVSYANNIKOVA, AND HER SIGN SAID, "NO WAR," AND THEN IN RUSSIAN:
"DON'T BELIEVE THE PROPAGANDA. THEY'RE LYING TO YOU HERE."
THAT IS A FANTASTIC SIGN, AND A BRAVE STATEMENT.
WHO DOES THAT? I ONLY HAVE ONE-- I ONLY HAVE
ONE BONE TO PICK-- "THEY'RE LYING TO YOU HERE" IS ALREADY
THE MOAT OF crypto.com. OVSYANNIKOVA IS AN EDITOR AND
A PRODUCER ON RUSSIAN STATE TV. OH, TRUST ME.
AS SOMEONE WHO WORKS ON TV, YOU DO NOT WANT TO PISS OFF THE
EDITORS. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO FIX ALL THE
MISTAKES YOU MAKE DURING TAPINGS.
OR SO I'VE HEARD. ( LAUGHTER )
OVSYANNIKOVA PUT ON HER POSTER IS SO ILLEGAL IN RUSSIA, THAT
WHEN A LOCAL NEWSPAPER REPORTED ON THE STORY, THEY HAD TO BLUR
EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE LINE "DON'T BELIEVE THE PROPAGANDA."
SO THEY CAN'T SAY "WAR." WHAT ARE THEY TELLING PEOPLE THE
STORY IS ABOUT? WAS THE HEADLINE, "NON-PROTESTER
LEARNS TO SPELL PROPAGANDA"? AFTER HER BRAVE PROTEST,
OVSYANNIKOVA WASN'T SEEN FOR HOURS, AND PEOPLE WERE
WORRIED. THANKFULLY, THIS MORNING, HER
LAWYER SHARED A PHOTO OF HER IN COURT.
AND ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON POST," THE
KREMLIN ISN'T LOOKING TO PUNISH HER AND DISMISSED HER ACTIONS AS
"HOOLIGANISM," AND SAID THE TELEVISION CHANNEL, NOT THE
KREMLIN, WAS "DEALING WITH THIS."
WHICH ISN'T GREAT, EITHER. REMEMBER, THE TELEVISION CHANNEL
CAN TRANSFER HER TO A DIFFERENT SHOW, LIKE THE RUSSIAN
EQUIVALENT OF "SHARK TANK," WHICH IS A TANK OF SHARKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ORGANIZING AN ILLEGAL PROTEST
AND FINED 30,000 RUBLES. TO WHICH SHE SAID:
"OH, THANK GOD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
ASK FOR MONEY." ( LAUGHTER )
HER COURAGE-- ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ HER COURAGE HAS BEEN ADMIRED ALL
AROUND THE WORLD, INCLUDING BY UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKYY,
WHO THANKED HER DURING AN ADDRESS TO HIS PEOPLE LAST
NIGHT. >> (translated): I AM GRATEFUL
TO THOSE RUSSIANS WHO DO NOT STOP TRYING TO CONVEY THE TRUTH.
AND PERSONALLY TO THE WOMAN WHO ENTERED THE STUDIO OF CHANNEL
ONE WITH A POSTER AGAINST THE WAR.
TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRAID TO PROTEST, AS LONG AS YOUR COUNTRY
HAS NOT COMPLETELY CLOSED ITSELF OFF FROM THE WHOLE WORLD,
TURNING INTO A VERY LARGE NORTH KOREA, YOU MUST FIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT. RUSSIA IS BECOMING SO ISOLATED,
IT'S ABOUT TO BE A NEW NORTH KOREA.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL BE VLADIMIR PUT-UN.
IT'S NOT A BAD LOOK. IT'S NOT A BAD LOOK.
THE REPERCUSSIONS OF PUTIN'S WAR HAVE EVEN REACHED SPACE, BECAUSE
U.S. ASTRONAUT MARK VANDE HEI, WHO HAS JUST SET A NEW RECORD BY
LIVING ON THE I.S.S. FOR ALMOST A YEAR, WILL NOW BE RIDING A
RUSSIAN CAPSULE HOME IN THE MIDST OF DEEPENING TENSIONS
BETWEEN OUR COUNTRIES. THAT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD
RIDE: "HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT LACK OF
WEATHER UP HERE IN SPACE? SEEN ANY GOOD MOVIES LATELY?
I WAS JUST WATCHING THE 'HUNT FOR RED OCTOB-UH.'
LET'S PLAY A GAME! LET'S PLAY A GAME!
'EYE SPY, WITH MY LITTLE'-- I'M NOT A SPY!
I'M NOT A SPY!" VANDE HEI HAS REASON TO BE
NERVOUS. RUSSIA'S SPACE AGENCY HASN'T
EXACTLY BEEN CHILL SINCE THE WAR STARTED.
THEY ARE LED BY RUSSIAN HARDLINER AND WINTERIZED HAM
HOCK, DMITRY ROGOZIN. ROGOZIN RECENTLY POSTED A SERIES
OF THREATENING TWEETS ABOUT HOW, WITHOUT RUSSIA, THE I.S.S. COULD
COME CRASHING DOWN ON THE U.S., EUROPE, INDIA, OR CHINA.
THAT'S MOST OF THE CONTINENTS! NOT A VERY PRECISE EVIL PLAN.
"BWA-HA-HA. EVERYTHING IS IN PLACE TO BLOW
UP THE HOSPITAL, BATMAN! OR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
OR THE IHOP OFF OF I-95. OR MY HOUSE!
SPIDER DOING PUSHUPS ON A MIRROR."
THAT WASN'T ROGOZIN'S ONLY THREAT.
IN RESPONSE TO AMERICAN SANCTIONS, HE ANNOUNCED RUSSIA
WOULD STOP THE SALE OF ROCKETS TO THE U.S., SAYING:
"LET THEM FLY ON SOMETHING ELSE, THEIR BROOMSTICKS."
THEY DON'T HAVE BROOMSTICKS ON THE I.S.S.!
ALL THEY HAVE IS A VACCUM, AND THEY HAVE TO POOP INTO IT!
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
TESLA FOUNDER ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE ASKING YOU TO GUESS IF THE
NEXT THING HE DOES WILL BE COOL OR EMBARRASSING.
( LAUGHTER ) SPACE-X, AND AT LAST WEEK'S
ROCKET LAUNCH, MUSK'S TEAM HIT BACK AT THE RUSSKIES, SAYING,
"TIME TO LET THE AMERICAN BROOMSTICK FLY!"
TAKE THAT, RUSSIA! WE DON'T NEED YOU!
WE JUST NEED HELP FROM A WACK-A-DOO BILLIONAIRE WHO
SHOOTS SPORTS CARS INTO HIGH ORBIT AND THINKS IMAGINARY DOG
MONEY SHOULD LIVE IN THE CLOUD. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WE'LL CLEAN THAT UP.
( APPLAUSE ) HE IMMEDIATELY HAD TO GET THE
DOO ALL WACKY, TWEETING, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE VLADIMIR PUTIN
TO SINGLE COMBAT. STAKES ARE UKRAINE."
COME ON, ELON. YOU MIGHT BE THE RICHEST MAN
WHO EVER LIVED, BUT YOU CAN'T GO CHALLENGING EVIL DICTATORS TO
FIST FIGHTS. YOU'RE A FATHER NOW.
YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOUR KIDS! I WANT TO SAY, LITTLE
SKRILLEX AND HIS SISTER, CTRL-AT-DELETE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANNE HATHAWAY AND DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MARRIAGES ARE MOVING TO THE METAVERSE.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON. ( APPLAUSE )
TODAY... A REAL DELIGHT, JUST AN ABSOLUTE-- JUST A TREASURE-- A
TREASURE OF A WOMAN IF IS MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT.
ANNE HATHAWAY IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) THE CORNER, AND THAT MEANS
IT'S WEDDING SEASON! BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, FOR THE
PAST TWO YEARS, SOME COUPLES HAVE MADE DO WITH ZOOM
CEREMONIES. BUT NOW NUPTIALS ARE TAKING A
BIG LEAP INTO THE FUTURE, AS FOLKS ARE GETTING MARRIED IN THE
METAVERSE, WHERE THE COUPLE AND GUESTS DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE, CREATE
AVATARS, AND THEN ATTEND A VIRTUAL CEREMONY TO WATCH THE
MARRIAGE OF-- LOOKS LIKE JEFF BEZOS AND, I WANT TO SAY, THE
MOM FROM THE FISHER-PRICE SET. THE GIRL FROM MIDSUMMER OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, THE
METAVERSE WILL OFFER ALMOST BOUNDLESS POSSIBILITIES TO
COUPLES, WITH ONE WEDDING PLANNER SAYING FLOWERS MIGHT
COME OUT OF THE GROUND AS YOU'RE WALKING INTO THE SPACE.
FLOWERS ALWAYS COME OUT OF THE GROUND.
YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN IN THE METAVERSE.
COME ON! PUT THE WHOLE CEREMONY IN SPACE
AND HAVE THE GROOM PRESENT THE WEDDING BOUQUET LIKE THIS:
SEE, THAT'S MEMORABLE?
WE'LL REMEMBER-- THAT'S MEMORABLE.
ONE FLORIDA COUPLE WHO GOT META-MARRIED ENJOYED HOW MUCH
THEY COULD CUSTOMIZE THEIR CEREMONY, SAYING, "THE AVATARS
CAN DANCE. THE AVATARS CAN RUN."
YEAH, IT'S SO REAL. THE AVATARS CAN DANCE, THE
AVATARS CAN RUN, THE AVATARS CAN STUMBLE ON THE MAID OF HONOR
DOING LINES IN THE D.J.'S MAZDA.
( LAUGHTER ) THRILLED THAT YOUR AVATAR CAN
ACTUALLY BE AN IMPROVEMENT, IN SOME WAY,
SAYING HAVING MAJOR LIFE EXPERIENCES AS AN AVATAR IS
"FASCINATING" BECAUSE YOU BRING YOUR "BEST SELF INTO THE MIX."
THAT'S SO ROMANTIC REMINDS ME OF THAT PASSAGE
FROM CORINTHIANS: "LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND.
LOVE IS NOT HAVING TO SEE YOUR ACTUAL FACE."
( LAUGHTER ) ACTUALLY TAKING OFF ACROSS THE
GLOBE, BECAUSE ONE COUPLE JUST HELD INDIA'S FIRST METAVERSE
MARRIAGE, AND INVITED 2,000 PEOPLE TO A VIRTUAL RECEPTION.
2,000! SO, FOR INDIA, A SMALL WEDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT WHERE
PEOPLE GET TO GATHER WITH THEIR LOVED ONES, NO MATTER THE
DISTANCE. HERE TO EXPLAIN IT IS MY WRITER,
AND RESIDENT TECH WIZARD, PRATIMA MANI.
PRATIMA? PRATIMA MANI, EVERYBODY.
TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.
UP ONE STEP. UP ANOTHER STEP.
ONE MORE STEP. >> GIVE ME A SECOND, STEVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, CHAIRS TO YOUR LEFT.
CHAIRS TO YOUR LEFT. KEEP GOING.
A LITTLE MORE. DON'T... YOU'RE PAWING LIKE A
KITTY CAT. OKAY, SIT DOWN.
BACK IT UP. BACK IT UP.
ARE YOU ATTENDING A METAVERSE WEDDING RIGHT NOW?
>> YES, AN INDIAN META WEDDING! SAVE ME, STEVE.
IT DOESN'T END. AND NOW THAT THE METAVERSE
EXISTS, THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR ME TO NOT ATTEND ALL WEDDINGS.
AND INDIAN PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF WEDDINGS.
IT'S LIKE OUR WORDLE: YOU GET ONE A DAY, AND IF YOU DON'T MAKE
IT, YOU'RE SHAMED BY YOUR LOVED ONES.
>> Stephen: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE CHATTING WITH ME AND WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY?
>> OF COURSE NOT. I CAN'T FIND MY FRIENDS AND
FAMILY! THERE'S 7,000 PEOPLE HERE, AND
THEY'RE ALL OLD! IT'S LIKE COACHELLA, BUT
EVERYONE'S TRIPPING ON LIPITOR. GET BACK!
>> Stephen: PRATIMA, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING NOW? >> I'M FACING DOWN THE FINAL
BOSS. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SWITCHED TO
PLAYING A VIDEO GAME? >> NO!
IT'S MY GRANDMA ASKING ME WHY I'M STILL SINGLE!
GET BACK, FIEND! >> Stephen: OUR RESIDENT TECH
WIZARD, PRATIMA MANI, EVERYONE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANNE
HATHAWAY. ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST THIS EVENING IS AN OSCAR
AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "THE DEVIL WEARS
PRADA," "LES MISERABLES," AND "OCEAN'S 8."
SHE NOW STARS IN A NEW SERIES ABOUT THE RISE AND FALL OF
"WEWORK" CALLED "WE CRASHED." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," ANNE HATHAWAY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. >> THANK YOU.
SORRY, THIS IS MY FIRST LIVE AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MAKES A DIFFERENCE, DOESN'T IT?
>> OH, IT'S NICE. IT'S REALLY NICE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO THAT, TOO.
>> HEY, HOW ARE YOU. >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN THREE
YEARS SINCE WE TALKED TO EACH OTHER.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY, STRANGE RIDE THESE LAST THREE YEARS.
BUT YOU HAD WONDERFUL NEWS IN THOSE THREE YEARS.
TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU WORKED ON.
>> A BABY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT. >> AND, ACTUALLY, THE LAST TIME
I WAS HERE I WAS SECRETLY PREGNANT.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SECRETLY FROM YOU, TOO, OR SECRETLY FROM THE REST
OF US. >> SECRET FROM ME, AND
UNFORTUNATELY SECRET FROM MY STYLIST, WHICH IS WHY I SPLIT MY
PANTS. >> Stephen: YOU SPLIT YOUR
PANTS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE?
>> I SPLIT MY PANTS. >> Stephen: DID I NOTICE IT?
>> MY POOR STYLIST DID NOT KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.
IT WAS THE SECOND THING I SPLIT THAT DAY.
I SPLIT MY PANTS ON THE WAY HERE.
AND I SPLIT MY ZIPPER ON THE WAY TO THE PREMIERE IN L.A.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST SIGNS.
YOU DON'T NEED THE LITTLE TEST. >> NO, NO, NO.
OH, DEAR-- OH! STAY PUT.
>> Stephen: YOUR NEW PRACTICAL IS "WE CRASHED," WHEN WE'LL GET
TO IN JUST A MOMENT. BUT "WE CRASHED" JUST PREMIERED
AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST, WHICH I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO AUSTIN. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING A
PROJECT DOWN THERE A WEEK AFTER COVID SHUT DOWN.
>> LET IT OUT! COME ON!
LET IT OUT, AUSTIN. >> Stephen: HAD YOU SPENT MUCH
TIME THERE BEFORE? I WANT TO HIT THE FOOD TRUCKS.
I WANT TO HIT BARBECUE. >> YES.
I HAD NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE.
THE FOOD IS AMAZING. AND WE WERE REALLY-- EVERY
MINUTE WE WEREN'T PROMOTING, WE WERE EATING.
SO THE FIRST NIGHT WE WENT TO JUSTINE'S WHICH IS A GREAT
FRENCH RESTAURANT. THE SECOND ONE WAS NICK'S DE
TACARRIA, AND WE STOPPED BY DA DOUI.
SORRY, GUYS, THE BISCUIT. IT WAS A WORLD-CLASS BISCUIT.
IT WAS BEST DONUT I HAD EVER HAD, EVER.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> AND NICK'S, THE ENTIRE MEAL
WAS PHENOMENAL. AND THE DESWRERTZ I LOVE DESSERT
S. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A GOOD
DESSERTERDER? >> NO, I'M GREAT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GREAT DESSERT ORDERER?
>> I AM NOT AN INEIGHTLY. CONFIDENT PERSON, SO PLEASE
UNDERSTAND WHEN I SAY I CRUSH ORDERING DESSERT.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME A FOR INSTANCE.
( APPLAUSE ). SAY YOU HAVE TO PUT IN 10,000
HOURS TO GET GREAT AT SOMETHING. I HAVE BLOWN PAST THAT.
I HAVE PUT IN SO MANY HOURS AT DESSERT.
AND RECENTLY, I WAS AT A DINNER PARTY-- WHICH IN AND OF ITSELF
WAS PRETTY COOL, GIVEN EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED IN
THE LAST FEW YEARS-- AND I WAS SITTING THERE NEXT TO YOUR THIS
WOMAN. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FRIEND
VIBING WITH SOMEONE, IT'S A NEW PERSON.
I DON'T KNOW, WE WERE JUST HAVING A GREAT TIME TALKING.
AND SHE TURNED TO ME AS THE DESSERTS WERE BROUGHT OUT AND IT
WAS A PIECE OF CASE WITH GELATO ON TOP AND SET IN A SAUCE.
AND SHE LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, "DO YOU THINK IT'S CARAMEL OR
APPLE?" AND I STARED AT IT, AND I SAID
PEAR." I WAS RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A PEAR SAUCE?
>> IT WAS A PEAR SAUCE. >> Stephen: YOU STAR AS
REBEKAH NEUMANN, THE WIFE OF THE COFOUNDER OF "WEWORK."
AND EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHO PERHAPS DID NOT USE "WEWORK"
WHAT "WEWORK" WAS, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
"WEWORK" UNTIL THEY SENT THE PILOT TO ME.
AND "WEWORK" WAS A SHARED COWORKING SPACE THAT AT A
CERTAIN POINT TRIED TO TRANSITION INTO BECOMING A TECH
COMPANY, AT WHICH POINT IT HAD-- IT WAS A SUCCESSFUL SHARED
COWORKING SPACE. AND WHEN TRIED TO PIVOT INTO
TECH IT WAS INFUSED WITH $4.4 BILLION OF CASH.
>> Stephen: $4.4 BILLION. >> BILLION DOLLARS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LONG GREEN. >> WHICH RAISED ITS VALUATION TO
CAPITOL HILL 47 BILLION. AND ON THE EVENING OF ITS
I.P.O., GOING PUBLIC, THE C.E.O., ADAM NEUMANN, WAS OUSTED
AND THE SHARES PLUMMETED TO $8 BILLION.
>> Stephen: STILL A LOT OF MONEY, BUT THAT'S A BIG LOSS.
>> IT WAS A BIG LOSS. >> Stephen: AND THAT'S THE
CRASH. >> AND THAT'S THE CRASH.
>> Stephen: WHAT ROLE DID REBEKAH PLAY IN THIS?
>> WELL, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED WITHOUT HER. I DON'T THINK ADAM WOULD HAVE
BEEN ABLE TO CHANNEL HIS ENERGY INTO A CAREER AND INTO A VISION
WITHOUT HER. SO I THINK YOU COULD SAY SHE WAS
ONE OF THE COFOUNDERS OF "WEWORK."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> SO, OUR STORY FOLLOWS THE NEUMANNS OVER 10 YEARS, AND THIS
IS, LIKE ARNGD YEAR 10, WHERE REBEKAH, WHO LIVES IN A VERY
NICE APARTMENT, IS SPEAKING TO A CONTRACTOR ABOUT HOW HER KITCHEN
IS CLAUSTROPHOBIC. >> IT'S THE FENG SHUI.
IT'S OFF. >> IT'S TOTALLY OFF.
>> YOU WALK IN AND YOU JUST FEEL...
CLAUSTROPHOBIC. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> SO I JUST WANT TO GO UP, BLOW IT OUT.
FINALLY GOT SOMEONE BRAVE. >> THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT
WHEN I WALKED IN, OPEN IT UP. >> THAT'S WHAT IT NEEDS.
>> RISE AND GRIND! RISE AND GRIND!
YES! >> FEEL FREE TO LOOK AROUND.
I IMAGINE YOU NEED MEASUREMENTS, ET CETERA.
YES, MY LOVE. >> I'LL MEET YOU IN THE CAR.
>> OKAY, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY?
>> YYES. >> MY LOVE, YOU'RE NOT WEARING A
SHIRT. ( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW-- >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK
YOU. >> Stephen: THAT, ADAM NEUMANN
THERE, IS BEING PLAYED BY JARED LETO.
>> YES. >> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND
YOU HADN'T MET HIM OUT OF CHARACTER UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY,
UNTIL-- >> THIS WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: THIS WEEKEND? >> THIS WEEKEND AT SOUTH BY.
>> Stephen: SO THERE WAS NO POINT WHERE HE WAS OUT OF
CHARACTER WHEN YOU WERE AROUND HIM.
>> NO, I MEAN, WE ZOOMED BEFORE WE STARTED, BUT I KIND OF THINK
HE WAS PALAGUCCI. IT'S A LITTLE-- IT WAS A LITTLE
-- >> Stephen: DID IT SOUND LIKE
GIPETO. >> HE WAS NOT DOING AN ACCENT.
BUT ONCE I SAW-- WHEN I SAW THE LOOK IN THE EYES, THAT WAS THAT.
IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
RESPECT JARED'S PROCESS, AND I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME WORKING
WITH WHOEVER THAT WAS. ( LAUGHTER )
BEAUTIFUL CONNECTION BETWEEN US. AND I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE REALLY
RESPECTFUL, BUT THE DAY THE "HOUSE OF GUCCI" TRAILER CAME
OUT, I MEAN-- I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
I COULDN'T JUST LET IT BE. >> Stephen: YOU WERE SHOOTING
WHEN IT CAME OUT. >> IT WAS SHOOTING WHEN WE CAME
OUT. I WAS WORKING TOGETHER WITH
SOMEBODY THREE OR FOUR MONTHS. >> Stephen: THAT'S A LONG TIME
TO BE WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS NEVER OUT OF CHARACTER.
>> WE SHOT FOR SIX SO THAT WAS ONLY THE MIDWAY POINT.
"THE HOUSE OF GUCCI" TRAILER CAME OUT AND WE SHOT A SCENE
THAT DAY. HE WAS LIKE, OKAY, OKAY, HAVE A
GOOD NIGHT, GOOD NIGHT." I SAID, MOTECH, JUST ONE MORE
THING." AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH."
I SAID "FATHER, SON HOUSE OF GUCCI."
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BECAUSE HE'S SO INTENSE
IN HIS COMMITMENT TO HIS PROCESS.
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, HE SPLIT INTO THREE.
( LAUGHTER ) A...
IT WAS LIKE OVER HERE WAS JARED, HE WAS PALAGUCCI, AND HERE WAS
ADAM NEUMANN. I DON'T THINK HE DID THIS, BUT
IN MY MEMORY HE WAS LIKE WAAAAH. HE CAME BACK IN.
AND I WAS LIKE OH, DEAR. AND HE WAS LIKE, "WE.
I THINK I JUST IT TIME TRAVELED."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK
ANNIE HOW SHE GETS INTO CHARACTER.
IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD. ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF THE NEW SERIES "WE CRASHED,"
ANNE HATHAWAY. DO YOU DABBLE IN THE METHOD?
DID YOU METHOD AT ALL WITH THIS? >> I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW. I KIND OF DO.
I KIND OF DO, BUT I HAVE KID. SO...
>> Stephen: SO YOU WANT-- YOU WANT TO BE MOM WHEN YOU COME
HOME. >> LET ME EXPLAIN.
YEAH, I MEAN, MY KIDS LOVE ME, AND I'M SURE ON SOME LEVEL, CARE
ABOUT WHAT I DO, BUT ALSO, LIKE, JUST WANT THEIR MOM.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY? >> THEY'RE FIVE AND TWO.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO?
>> YOU'RE SO RIGHT. THEY ABSOLUTELY DO NOT.
>> Stephen: WHERE ARE THE CHEEZ-ITS.
>> SO I DON'T REALLY GO AS IMMERSIVE AS I DID BEFORE I HAD
KIDS. BUT I DID GET VERY INTO YOGA,
AND I ACTUALLY REALLY WANT TO THANK MY TEACHER NIKI WHO WORKED
WITH ME EVERY SINGLE DAY GETTING READY TO PLAY REBEKAH.
REBEKAH IS A VERY PASSIONATE VEGAN.
>> Stephen: THE CHARACTER. >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU PURE VEGANNED? >> I DID FOR A TIME.
>> Stephen: AT WHAT LEVEL. WHAT LEVEL-- LIKE, DID YOU EAT
HONEY? >> I WAS A RAW VEGAN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S-- THAT'S COMMITMENT.
>> THEY RESPECT THAT. AND --
>> Stephen: I MEAN, JUST THE ROUGHAGE ALONE IS WORTH THE
TRIP. >> I'M NOT COMMENTING ON
NATIONAL TV. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> SO I BECAME-- SO I BECAME A RAW VEGAN.
I DID THAT THING-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE GONE VEGAN.
BY THE WAY, IT'S GREAT. AND WE SHOULD DO AS MUCH AS WE
CAN TO EAT VEGETABLES FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
WE ALL KNOW THAT AT THIS POINT, I HOPE
( APPLAUSE ) I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I DID EAT
ANTELOPE IN TEXAS THIS WEEKEND. WE'RE ALL PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: THEY HAD IT COMING.
>> IT'S A MIXED BAG. >> Stephen: THOSE ANTELOPE HAD
IT COMING. WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE
PLAY. THEY SHOULDN'T BE PLAYING.
GET BACK TO WORK, ANTELOPE! >> HOW CARE THEY PLAY.
SO I WAS THIS RAW VEGAN AND I DID THAT THING WHERE YOU'RE
LIKE, THIS IS IT. I'M-- I'M SO DEEP IN MY
CHARACTER, I'M LIKE I'M JUST-- I THINK I'M A VEGAN NOW.
I THINK THIS IS IT. I'VE DONE IT BEFORE.
I KNOW I'VE DONE IT BEFORE AND THIS WILL STICK.
MY HUSBAND, AND WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER TERRAIN YEARS, AND HE
KNOWS HE SO WELL, AND WE WENT, "WONDERFUL."
AND THREE WEEKS LATER WHEN I WAS LIKE, "I NEED A BURGEE."
HE WAS LIKE, OKAY." ( LAUGHTER )
THERE YOU GO. SO THAT WAS MY METHOD.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE-- WE'RE GOING TO SEE YOU SHORTLY IN
ANOTHER PROJECT CALLED "ARMAGEDDON TIME."
IT'S A MOVIE WITH AN ACTOR WHO I HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF
INTERVIEWING, AND I'M JUST CURIOUS, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO DO
SCENES WITH ANTHONY HOPKINS. >> OH!
( APPLAUSE ). EXTRAORDINARY PRIVILEGE TO WORK
WITH THIS GUY. >> ACTUAL HEAVEN.
ACTUAL HEAV PEN UPON THE GREAT-- HE'S THE DREAMIEST.
I LOVED HIM BEFORE I MET HIM. I LOVED HIM EVEN MORE
AFTERWARDS. JAMES GRAY IS THE DIRECTOR OF
THIS MOVIE WHO IS A WONDERFUL DIRECTOR AND I JUST LOVE HIM TO
BITS. I WOULD WRITE TO HIM ABOUT MY
CHARACTER AND "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?"
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF ANTHONY THE AND I--
TONY. IT'S REALLY STRANGE TO CALL HIM
ANTHONY TONY AND I DANCED." AND HE WAS LIKE, "BECAUSE OF THE
CHARACTER?" AND I SAID, "NO, I JUST WANT THE
MEMORY OF DANCING WITH HIM." AND HE SAID YES AND I GOT TO
CANC WITH HIM. IT WAS SO GREAT, YOU GUYS.
IT WAS SO GREAT. >> Stephen: ANNIE IT WAS
LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU
>> Stephen: "WE CRASHED" PREMIERES THIS FRIDAY ON APPLE
TV PLUS. ANNE HATHAWAY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ACTRESS DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH.
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND SINGER YOU KNOW FROM, "HIGH FIDELITY" AND
"DOLEMITE IS MY NAME." SHE NOW STARS IN "THE LOST
CITY." PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
SHOW. >> YOU HAVE A GREAT BAND.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE THE BEST BAND.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? GOOD BAND, THE BEST BAND.
NOW, I GOT A CHANCE TO SPEAK WITH YOUR COSTAR SANDRA BULLOCK
ABOUT THIS MOVIE, "THE LOST CITY."
SHE SEEMS LOVELY. IS THAT AN ACT, OR IS SHE
ACTUALLY A NICE PERSON? >> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION,
RIGHT. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW,
SHOW BUSINESS. >> "HOLLYWOOD I'M NICE."
BUT SHE ACTUALLY IS. >> Stephen: SHE IS.
>> SHE'S VERY NICE. VERY CARING.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE WOULD ADMIT THIS, BUT THERE WERE SO MANY
POSITIONS OF LEADERSHIP, LIKE DEPARTMENT HEADS OF THIS OR TH
THAT. AND SHE HAD THEM ALL FILLED AS
FEMALES IN THOSE POSITIONS. SO THAT'S RARE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE SHE'S ALSO A PRODUCER.
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: SHE'S ALSO A
PRODUCER ON THIS MOVIE. >> AS A PRODUCER, YOUKNOW, HEAD
OF SOUND, FEMALE. IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS PHENOMENAL.
EVEN PRODUCTS, LIKE I-- MY CHARACTER ROCKS AWAY LUGGAGE,
AND SHE WAS LIKE LET'S DO THAT COMPANY BECAUSE IT'S FEMALE
OWNED, AND THAT'S IMPORTANT. AND I WAS LIKE, WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ). RTHE FILM IS REALLY FUNNY AND
REALLY FUN. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AND REALLY SILLY. AS I SAID TO HER, REALLY STUPID,
WHICH IS A COMPLIMENT COMING FROM A COMEDIAN.
DUT SHE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS. >> THAT'S OKAY.
SHE'LL KNOW LATER. >> Stephen: AND REALLY
BEAUTIFUL. THE LOCATION IS EXTRAORDINARY.
AND I KEPT-- AS I WAS WATCHING I WAS LIKE IS THIS THAILAND?
WHERE ARE WE? ARE WE IN TAHITI.
IT'S THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. >> DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.
>> I HOPE THERE IS MORE TOURISM NOW, THEY GET TONS, BUT I'VE
BEEN TO THE DOMINICAN, BUT IT'S NEVER BEEN LIKE THAT.
AND SO THAT'S WHEN I WAS LIKE, OOOH.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS-- THE LAST SHOT OF THE MOVIE WHERE, LIKE,
WE'RE ALL CHILLING OUT ON A BEACH, AND THAT WAS LITERALLY
OUR BACKIARD. BECAUSE WE WERE IN THIS BUBBLE.
WE TOOK OVER THIS RESORT, AND WE LIVED IN LIKE CASITAS, AND MY
HOUSE WAS NEXT TO BRAD PITT'S HOUSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: WORKING THE
SHADES. WORKING THE SHADES?
>> I DID I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. I'M LIKE MAYBE HE MIGHT BE DOING
YOGA ON THE DECK. >> Stephen: DID THAT EVER
HAPPEN? >> NO, I, LIKE, SET MY ALARM,
AND I WAS LIKE 4:00. NOPE.
5:00 A.M. NO.
YEAH. HE HAS REALLY GOOD SECURITY,
REALLY GOOD. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE. DO-- CAN YOU TELL US WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THIS CLIP? >> SO THIS CLIP I THINK IF IT'S
THE ONE THEY SHOWED ME, IT IS MY CHARACTER IS, LIKE, ON THIS
VOYAGE TO FIND SANDRA'S CHARACTER.
I'M LOST IN THE JUNGLE, FIGURING IT OUT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE HER EDITOR, RIGHT.
>> I'M HER PUBLICIST, BEST FRIEND, MANAGER, LIFE COACH, THE
WHOLE THING. >> Stephen: SHE IS THE ONE WHO
CALLS AND SAYS, "WHERE IS THE BOOK?"
>> EXACTLY. SHE LOST CHANNING'S CHARACTER.
I DON'T TRUST HE CAN GET JOB DONE, SO A WOMAN IS GOING TO DO
WHAT SHE HAS TO DO. >> Stephen: JIM.
>> I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU LIKE A STEAK?
>> WHAT? >> I ALSO LIKE A STEAK.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW...
MAYBE THERE'S-- >> NO, NO.
LIVES ARE AT STAKE. I NEED TO GO TO THE ISLAND
TONIGHT. >> OH.
>> YES. >> EVEN MORE SERIOUS.
>> EXTREMELY. >> I BELIEVE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO
ASSIST YOU. I HAVE A CARGO PLANE.
>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- YOU BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH--
HAVE YOU EVER MURDERED ANYONE BEFORE?
>> NO! >> I DON'T KNOW IF I REALLY BUY
IT, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT MURDERING ME, I PROMISE I WILL MURDER YOU FIRST.
>> MY PLEASURE. >> YOU ARE WEIRD.
LET'S GO. ( APPLAUSE )
SO YOU ARE THERE. ARE YOU THERE TO RESCUE HER.
ARE YOU GOOD IN A CRISIS YOURSELF?
LIKE, COULD YOU HANDLE THAT? >> I'M A FIGHTER.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY LIKE FIGHT OR FLIGHT.
I FIGHT. >> Stephen: OH, REALLY.
>> YEAH. DO YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES THE
MALL-- THERE'S A CENTER MALL AND THE OUTSIDE IS LIKE FANCIER
RESTAURANTS. I'M LIKE THIS DIM SUNG PLACE.
THIS IS WHERE I KNEW I MESSED UP.
MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, LET'S GO TO DIM SUM.
AND I WAS LIKE THERE'S PORK. SHE WAS LIKE THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED. >> Stephen: THIS WHOLE STORY
IS KARMA GOING SOMEPLACE WHERE THEY SERVE PORK.
>> YES. I'M SITTING IN THE BOOTH.
MY BACK IS TO THE DOOR, AND SHE'S, OBVIOUSLY, SITTING IN
FRONT OF ME. IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.
AND I LOOK AT HER, AND I JUST SEE HER EYES GET BIG, AND I TURN
AROUND, AND I SEE ALL-- IT LOOKED LIKE PEOPLE WERE JUST
RUSHING IN. SO I WAS LIKE-- MY MIND WAS
GOING, "OH, THIS IS A FLASH MOB!"
BUT, LIKE-- BECAUSE WHY ARE PEOPLE RUSHING TOUE KNOW,
MEANING PEOPLE MAKING NOISE. IT WASN'T SCREAMS YET.
AND, LIKE, MOVING IN. SO I WAS LIKE, THAT'S CRAZY.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN A FLASH MOB IN A WHILE.
( LAUGHTER ). SINGING AND DANCING AND STUFF?
>> I WAS WAITING FOR THE SINGING AND DANCING PART.
THAT PART NEVER CAME. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I'M, LIKE, OH, THAT'S A GUN. SO THIS IS-- THIS IS LIKE MY
BRAIN SLOWED DOWN. PARLIAMENTARY IT WENT LIKE THIS.
SAW MY FRIEND, HER EYES ARE REALLY BIG.
I TURN AROUND TO SEE WHAT IT IS, I TURN AROUND AND SHE'S GONE.
I HEAR BANG, BANG. I'M LIKE IT'S GOING DOWN.
I GO-- WHERE ME SEAT WAS, IT WAS LIKE SWINGING DOORS.
AND THE SWINGS DOOR WERE TO THE KITCHEN.
MY BRAIN JUST TOOK OVER. SO PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO RUSH TO
THE NEAREST EXIT. BUT IT'S PACKING UP BECAUSE IT'S
JUST ONE SMALL EXIT. I SAID, NO, I'M GOING TO FIGHT
THIS. SO I GO INTO THE KITCHEN,
BECAUSE I'M LIKE DIM SUN. THEY ALSO SERVE SUSHI.
THEY'VE GOT KNIVES. ( LAUGHTER )
SO... YEAH.
SO I-- IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, OH,
IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, REMEMBER SHERLOCK HOLMES.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER HIM. >> I KNOW HOW IT SLOWS DOWN AND
IT'S DUH-DU- DU- I WALK IN KNIVES DU- DUH.
KNIVES, SHING! I GET THE KNIVES.
SO I HAVE THESE KNIVES IN MY HANDS, MULTIPLE, LIKE, TWO OR
THREE IN MY HANDS, LIKE WOLVERINING IT.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE. >> I'M LIKE THIS STANDING HERE
LIKE... SO THEN, THE-- YOU COULD HEAR
PEOPLE, LIKE, WHAT'S LEFT OF THEM, SCURRYING AND STUFF LIKE
THAT. SO THEN SOME WAITSTAFF START
COMING IN. AND THEY JUST SEE ME IN THE
CONGER LIKE HA! FII THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING
ABOUT WHAT I WAS GIVING OFF THAT THEY FELT SAFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ME...
( LAUGHTER ) SO I WAS LIKE...
I WAS LIKE A HUMAN SHIELD FOR THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I'M THERE, THEN THIS OTHER
GUY WITH REALLY LONG HAIR RUNS IN AND HE'S LIKE-- SO I'M ON
THIS SIDE. HE'S ON THAT SIDE, SO I CAN SEE
HIM. IT'S LIKE THAT WHOLE-- YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, LIKE THOSE WESTERN DOORS.
HE LOOKS AT ME-- TRUE STORY-- AND HE MOUTHS, "I'M EXMARINE."
AND I SAID, "OH, WE'RE GOOD." BECAUSE BETWEEN ME AND HIM,
WE'RE GOOD. >> Stephen: I WANT TO SEE THAT
MOVIE, TOO. BRAD PITT PLAYS THE EX-MARINE.
AND IT'S ALL JUST HIM COULD GO YOGA.
( APPLAUSE ) SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "THE LOST CITY" IS
IN THEATERS MARCH 25. DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH, EVERYBODY
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE
MATAFEO. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.