1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:02,569 >> RUSSIAN STATE TV IS ALSO 2 00:00:02,635 --> 00:00:05,505 USING CLIPS OF TUCKER CARLSON ON FOX NEWS. 3 00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:09,376 WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? >> BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF 4 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,746 THE KREMLIN PUNDITS ON THE RUSSIAN STATE TELEVISION. 5 00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:16,116 IN FACT, THEY HAVE DESCRIBED HIM AS PRACTICALLY ONE OF THEIR 6 00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:17,517 CO-HOSTS. ♪♪♪ 7 00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:32,465 ( REPORTER SPEAKING RUSSIAN...) 8 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:39,305 ( REPORTER SPEAKING RUSSIAN...) 9 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,642 >> AT EXACTLY THE MOMENT WHEN THE EMERGENCY POWERS THEY 10 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,078 AWARDED TO THEMSELVES TO FIGHT COVID STARTED TO WANE, OUR 11 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,748 LEADERS BEGAN PUSHING FOR CONFLICT WITH RUSSIA, AND THEN, 12 00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:51,684 ON THE BASIS OF THAT CONFLICT, THEY ASSUMED HISTORIC WAR 13 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,354 POWERS. HMM... 14 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,656 WITHOUT EVEN PAUSING, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION DECLARED TOTAL 15 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,758 ECONOMIC WAR ON A SOVEREIGN COUNTRY. 16 00:00:58,825 --> 00:01:05,465 ( LAUGHTER ) ( REPORTER SPEAKING RUSSIAN...) 17 00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:20,413 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE ATE 18 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:41,701 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE ATE 19 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:53,546 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES SANDRA 20 00:01:53,613 --> 00:02:00,787 BULLOCK! AND MUSICAL GUEST BILLY STRINGS, 21 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:04,691 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 22 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:08,795 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 23 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:15,301 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 24 00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:30,250 ( BAND PLAYING ) 25 00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,886 ( BAND PLAYING ) 26 00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:39,859 >> Stephen: LOVELY. >> Jon: POW! 27 00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:42,729 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO! 28 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:45,665 THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU'RE TOO KIND. 29 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,735 YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY TOO KIND. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," 30 00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:53,273 EVERYBODY. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 31 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,276 IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS, YOU KNOW THE WORLD 32 00:02:56,342 --> 00:03:03,816 CONTINUES TO TALK ABOUT THE ECCENTRIC POWER-MAD CULT-LIKE 33 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:04,884 LEADER WHO HAS LAUNCHED A SURPRISE BID 34 00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,152 TO RETAKE WHAT WE THOUGHT HE'D ABANDONED LONG AGO. 35 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,555 BECAUSE TOM BRADY HAS CHANGED HIS MIND ON RETIREMENT AND WILL 36 00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:09,522 RETURN TO THE BUCCANEERS TO PLAY A 23RD SEASON. 37 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:21,501 (WHISTLES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 38 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,771 "FALSE START TO RETIREMENT. ( LAUGHTER ) 39 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:30,743 ALSO, UNNECESSARY HANDSOMENESS." ( LAUGHTER ) 40 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:36,082 OF COURSE, MY DEAR FRIEND TOM BRADY'S NOT JUST RETURNING FOR 41 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:41,287 THE LOVE OF THE GAME. HE'S ALSO SET TO MAKE $25 42 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,522 MILLION NEXT SEASON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 43 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:43,423 WHICH IS, COINCIDENTALLY, WHAT YOU'D HAVE TO PAY 'ME' TO GO TO 44 00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:48,728 TAMPA. ( LAUGHTER ) 45 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:53,566 IT'S LOVELY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT 46 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,268 JOKE COMES FROM! THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THE 47 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,937 N.F.L., BUT BAD NEWS FOR THE GUY WHO BOUGHT TOM BRADY'S 'LAST' 48 00:03:58,004 --> 00:04:03,209 TOUCHDOWN FOOTBALL FOR OVER HALF A MILLION DOLLARS, JUST HOURS 49 00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:06,579 BEFORE BRADY ANNOUNCED HIS COMEBACK. 50 00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:09,515 SO, IT LOST ITS VALUE IMMEDIATELY. 51 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,752 THAT GUY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. WHEN IT COMES TO BALLS, BRADY'S 52 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:18,358 ALWAYS BEEN BIG ON DEFLATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 53 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:24,330 WHAT'S THAT JOKE MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT -- I DON'T -- 54 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:27,033 I -- TOM'S RETURN TO PROFESSIONAL 55 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,571 -- I CALL HIM TOM. TOM'S RETURN TO PROFESSIONAL 56 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,640 MEN'S FOOTBALL RAISES ONE BIG QUESTION FOR FANS LIKE MYSELF: 57 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:41,514 WHAT, I ASK YOU, IS GONNA HAPPEN TO JANE FONDA, RITA MORENO, 58 00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:45,652 SALLY FIELD, AND LILY TOMLIN? TOM BETTER NOT PULL THE PLUG ON 59 00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:49,122 THIS, OTHERWISE JANE AND LILY ARE GOING TO INTRODUCE HIM TO 60 00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:57,530 THEIR PALS "GRACE AND FRANKIE." 61 00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:01,501 ( APPLAUSE ) I GUESS THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO 62 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:05,538 RECAST THE MOVIE AND CALL IT, "HONK IF YOU'RE GRONK." 63 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,608 ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE OTHER BIG STORY 64 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,678 CONTINUES TO BE RUSSIA'S WAR CRIMES IN UKRAINE. 65 00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:13,513 THE RUSSIANS EXPECTED TO COME IN AND ROLL OVER THE UKRAINIANS IN 66 00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:20,286 48 TO 72 HOURS. "EASY PEASY, WORLD WAR THREESY." 67 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:24,023 BUT THE UKRAINIANS HAVE PUT UP ONE HECK OF A FIGHT. 68 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:28,828 AND NOW WE'RE ON DAY 19 OF THE WAR, AND THINGS ARE GOING 69 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,797 'NYET BUENO' FOR PUTIN. RUSSIA HAS GAINED ONLY LIMITED 70 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,933 TERRITORY, WHILE SUFFERING SUBSTANTIAL LOSSES IN BOTH 71 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,803 PERSONNEL AND EQUIPMENT, AND EVIDENCE IS MOUNTING THAT THE 72 00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:40,673 INVASION HAS NOT GONE TO PLAN. SURE, UNLESS THE PLAN WAS CALLED 73 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:45,511 "OPERATION MAKE THE WORLD HATE US, BYE BYE BIG MAC." 74 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,880 ( LAUGHTER ) THE RUSSIANS WERE SO CONFIDENT 75 00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:49,248 OF VICTORY THAT, ACCORDING TO ONE REPORT, INSTEAD OF EXTRA 76 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:53,553 AMMO AND RATIONS, RUSSIAN SOLDIERS WERE EVIDENTLY CARRYING 77 00:05:53,619 --> 00:06:00,526 DRESS UNIFORMS FOR THEIR VICTORY PARADE IN KYIV. 78 00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:01,761 KIND OF JUMPING THE GUN THERE. IT'S LIKE SCHEDULING YOUR FIRST 79 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:06,599 TINDER DATE AT THE ALTAR. ( LAUGHTER ) 80 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:07,633 "OH, YOU'RE A SAGITTARIUS? SO AM I. 81 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:13,406 DO YOU TAKE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?" 82 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,373 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE RUNNING 83 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,509 OUT OF SUPPLIES, AND THEY'VE GROWN DESPERATE. 84 00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:18,778 MANY HAVE RESORTED TO BREAKING INTO SUPERMARKETS AND SHOPS, AND 85 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:21,514 RAIDING HOMES IN SEARCH OF FOOD AND VALUABLES AS THEIR OWN 86 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:25,351 SUPPLY LINES HAVE FAILED. REMINDER: THEY'RE LIKE 90 MILES 87 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:29,155 FROM HOME. THAT'S LIKE DRIVING FROM NEW 88 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:34,393 YORK TO PHILLY AND TURNING CANNIBAL AT TRENTON. 89 00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:36,729 ( LAUGHTER ) "WELL KIDS, WE LEFT THE GRANOLA 90 00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:41,434 BARS BACK HOME, SO WHO'S FIRST ON THE MENU? 91 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:48,040 ( LAUGHTER ) TIMMY, YOU LOOK WELL MARBLED." 92 00:06:48,107 --> 00:06:54,747 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 93 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:57,116 THEY SIMPLY DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH FOOD. 94 00:06:57,183 --> 00:07:00,286 AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS VIDEO POSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA WHICH 95 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:03,589 APPARENTLY SHOWS AN ABANDONED RUSSIAN FIELD KITCHEN TRUCK FULL 96 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,525 OF RATIONS THAT ARE ENTIRELY ONIONS AND TURNIPS MAYBE SOME 97 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:09,128 POTATOES. INTHE BACK, MORE ONIONS AND 98 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:12,765 TURNIPS. JARS OF PICKLES AND SHARDS OF 99 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:17,503 DELICIOUS GLASS. OF COURSE, RUSSIANS ARE USED TO 100 00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:18,871 THIS KIND OF FOOD. IN FACT, THAT'S THEIR MOST 101 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:28,114 POPULAR ICE CREAM TRUCK: MR. ONION. 102 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:31,517 ( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ROUND AND ROUND THE ONION 103 00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:34,020 TRUCK ♪ ♪ A BIG BITE OF ONIONS ♪ 104 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:43,462 ♪ TAKE A BITE AND NEVER SMILE -- OOPS -- IS POTATO ♪ 105 00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:53,539 ( IN POP GOES THE WEASEL TUNE AS RUSSIAN BOY). 106 00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:54,941 ( APPLAUSE ) IN HIS DESPERATION, PUTIN HAS 107 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:56,175 TURNED TO ONE OF THE FEW FRIENDS HE HAS LEFT BECAUSE, ACCORDING 108 00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:57,376 TO US INTELLIGENCE, RUSSIA IS SEEKING MILITARY EQUIPMENT AND 109 00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:58,344 AID FROM CHINA. DON'T DO IT, CHINA WHAT DO WE 110 00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,612 HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU ON THE SIDE OF DECENCY? 111 00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:01,514 WE MADE 6 "TRANSFORMERS" MOVIES. JUST FOR YOU, TWO OF THEM ARE 112 00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:06,819 3D, I THINK. ALL OF WHICH I LOVE, BY THE WAY, 113 00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:10,223 BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM PARAMOUNT. "A MOUNTAIN OF THINGS I AM 114 00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:16,429 CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO ENJOY." 115 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:21,067 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 116 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,804 THEY'RE ALWAYS WATCHING. WITH HIS INVASION GOING POORLY, 117 00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:29,108 PUTIN HAS ONLY ONE MAN TO BLAME: ANYONE BUT HIM. 118 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,345 CASE IN POINT, WE JUST LEARNED THAT RUSSIAN SPY CHIEFS HAVE 119 00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:34,847 BEEN PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST. THAT'S RIGHT. 120 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:36,816 THEY'RE STUCK AT HOME, WITH NOTHING TO DO EXCEPT WATCH THE 121 00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:41,454 POPULAR RUSSIAN REALITY SHOW: "LOVE IS BLINDFOLDED AND THROWN 122 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,322 INTO A VAN." PUTIN HAS ALSO REPORTEDLY FIRED 123 00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:47,293 GENERALS OVER HIS INVASION LOSSES. 124 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,961 OF COURSE HE FIRED THEM. THEY ALLOWED UKRAINIANS TO 125 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:53,900 CAPTURE THEIR GREATEST WEAPON: TRUCK FULL OF ONIONS. 126 00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,668 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS 127 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,503 BELIEVE PUTIN'S INCREASINGLY ERRATIC BEHAVIOR COULD BE CAUSED 128 00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:03,409 BY 'ROID RAGE. OH... WE GOT A "JUICIN' PUTIN'! 129 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,310 ( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY EXPLAINS WHY HE HIT 68 130 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:08,648 HOME RUNS FOR CARDINALS LAST YEAR. 131 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,850 BECAUSE THEIR WAR IS GOING EMBARRASSINGLY POORLY, THE 132 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:13,519 DESPERATE RUSSIANS ARE GOING FULL MONSTROUS. 133 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:17,456 AND IT COULD GET WORSE. AND MAY GO SO FAR AS TO USE 134 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:21,527 CHEMICAL WEAPONS. HOW DO WE KNOW RUSSIA'S 135 00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:24,797 CONSIDERING CHEMICAL WEAPONS? NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JAKE 136 00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,933 SULLIVAN EXPLAINS. >> THEY'RE RIGHT NOW ACCUSING 137 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,035 THE UNITED STATES AND THE UKRAINIANS OF POTENTIALLY USING 138 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:32,972 CHEMICAL OR BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS, WHICH IS A TELL. 139 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,441 IT'S A TELL THAT THEY, THEMSELVES, MAY BE PREPARING TO 140 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,510 DO SO AND THEN TRYING TO PIN THE BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE. 141 00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:41,514 THAT'S A CLASSIC PAGE OUT OF THE RUSSIAN PLAYBOOK. 142 00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:43,049 >> STEPHEN: AND ON THAT PAGE, IT JUST SAYS "HE WHO SMELT IT, 143 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:49,922 DEALT IT." ( LAUGHTER ) 144 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,892 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SURE. 145 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:55,795 WISDOM. IN RUSSIAN, IT DOESN'T RHYME. 146 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:59,332 TTHENT RHYME IN RUSSIAN. THE LIES KEEP COMING, BECAUSE 147 00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:01,500 RUSSIA IS NOW CLAIMING THE U.S. TRAINED BIRDS TO DELIVER 148 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:05,838 UKRAINIAN BIO-WEAPONS. THE KREMLIN HAS EVEN RELEASED 149 00:10:05,905 --> 00:10:15,448 FOOTAGE OF THE SECRET OPERATION: 150 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:18,818 >> STEPHEN: AND THINGS MIGHT HAVE JUST GOTTEN WORSE FOR THE 151 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,853 DICTATOR BECAUSE, YOU KNOW HOW THE U.S. AND ITS ALLIES HAVE 152 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,389 BEEN CONFISCATING OLIGARCH'S BIG BOATS? 153 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,660 WELL, RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TARGETING A $700 MILLION 154 00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:29,495 SUPERYACHT, WHICH THEY BELIEVE COULD BELONG TO 155 00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:33,499 PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN. AUTHORITIES WERE TIPPED OFF WHEN 156 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:37,503 THE YACHT WAS SEEN IN THE OCEAN RIDING ON TOP OF A HORSE. 157 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:41,207 ( LAUGHTER ) THE U.S. AND ITS ALLIES ARE ALSO 158 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:42,808 CONTINUING TO TURN UP THE ECONOMIC PRESSURE. 159 00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,378 ON FRIDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT THE US WILL 160 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:51,083 BAN IMPORTS OF SEAFOOD, VODKA, AND DIAMONDS. 161 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,552 THAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS FOR OUR NATION'S SUGAR DADDIES. 162 00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:56,055 "TRINA, I KNOW YOUR PROFILE SAID YOU LIKE COLD MARTINIS, SHRIMP 163 00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:59,525 TOWERS, AND SPARKLING TENNIS BRACELETS. 164 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:00,960 BUT HOW ABOUT A BUD LITE LIME, A MEATBALL SUB, AND THIS SCRUNCHY 165 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:05,498 I FOUND ON THE BUS? WHERE YOU GOIN'? 166 00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:09,502 YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. BRENDA ALREADY LEFT AND TOOK THE 167 00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:17,109 KIDS!" THIS IS A MAJOR MOVE, BECAUSE IN 168 00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:21,514 2021, THE U.S. IMPORTED 48,867 METRIC TONS OF SEAFOOD FROM 169 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:24,950 RUSSIA. OLY LACK OF MACKEREL. 170 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:29,522 EXPLAINS WHY RED LOBSTER HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO 171 00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:33,059 'LOBSTERFEST.' ( LAUGHTER ) 172 00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:37,463 NEED A BIG POT OF BOILING WATER, YOU NEED A VERY BIG POT OF 173 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,931 BOILING WATER. >> Jon: BIG POT. 174 00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:42,301 >> Stephen: IN THE FACE OF MONSTROUS 175 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,170 BRUTALITY BY RUSSIA TO BREAK THEIR SPIRIT, THE UKRAINIAN 176 00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:48,808 PEOPLE CONTINUE TO RESIST AND MAINTAIN THEIR HUMANITY. 177 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:53,546 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CASE IN POINT, UKRAINE JUST 178 00:11:53,612 --> 00:12:00,152 UNVEILED A NEW POSTAGE STAMP BASED OFF THE "RUSSIAN WARSHIP 179 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:01,253 GO ( BLEEP )YOURSELF" INCIDENT. 180 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:11,430 A STAMP THAT SAYS THAT? UKRAINE JUST WENT POSTAL. 181 00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:12,832 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 182 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:17,503 NOW, FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS, A STAMP IS LIKE A LITTLE RECEIPT 183 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:21,140 THAT GOES ON A LETTER, WHICH IS A PHYSICAL EMAIL THAT YOU TYPE 184 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:23,609 WITH A PEN, WHICH IS LIKE A VAPE STICK FULL OF INK. 185 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:28,581 DO NOT SMOKE INK. ...AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S 186 00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:30,015 ALREADY A TIK TOK CHALLENGE. SO, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS 187 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:36,956 NEW STAMP. ( LAUGHTER ) 188 00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:41,127 OK, THAT IS GRAPHIC. IT ALSO COUNTS AS THEIR NEW 189 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:42,261 NATIONAL BIRD STAMP. ( LAUGHTER ) 190 00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:45,931 OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE TO BLUR THAT FOR THE BROADCAST. 191 00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:53,539 WE HAVEN'T HAD TO BLUR A POSTAGE STAMP SINCE THE POST OFFICE 192 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,674 ISSUED THAT STAMP OF WASHINGTON MOONING THE BRITISH. 193 00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,209 THE UKRAINIAN POSTAL SERVICE ANNOUNCED THE STAMP DESIGN AFTER 194 00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,813 HOLDING A PUBLIC VOTE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 195 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:06,819 UKRAINIANS ARE VOTING ON STAMP DESIGNS IN THE MIDDLE OF WAR. 196 00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:10,656 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS AN UNBELIEVABLE, 197 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,559 UNSTOPPABLE SENSE OF CIVIL DO THE. 198 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,094 (UKRANIAN ACCENT) "IN LIGHT OF TANKS COMING DOWN 199 00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,496 STREET, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ALTERNATE SIDE PARKING IS 200 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:18,697 SUSPENDED." ( LAUGHTER ) 201 00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:21,867 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS SANDRA 202 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,536 BULLOCK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 203 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,171 MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 204 00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,241 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND 205 00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:08,147 "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! ( BAND PLAYING ) 206 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:15,354 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, JON. 207 00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:16,455 ( JON HUMMING ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S UP? 208 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,792 WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? ALL GOOD? 209 00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:20,926 ALL GOOD? >> Jon: YEAH! 210 00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,262 >> Stephen: PLEASE, EVERYBODY, HAVE A SEAT. 211 00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:29,401 THANK YOU. WE'VE GOT JON, TONIGHT, IT'S ONE 212 00:14:29,468 --> 00:14:32,104 OF THOSE THINGS WHERE IT'S ALWAYS A TREAT FOR THE AUDIENCE 213 00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:36,108 BECAUSE WE PUT ON A GOOD SHOW. I'M NOT GOING TO TOOT OUR OWN 214 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:39,411 HORN BUT -- >> Jon: WE GIVE IT OUR ALL. 215 00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:42,948 THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: TONIGHT IT'S A 216 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:47,019 REAL TREAT BECAUSE TONIGHT I GET TO HANG OUT WITH SANDRA BULLOCK. 217 00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:49,121 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO BIG DEAL, JUST SANDRA 218 00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,890 BULLOCK, THAT'S ALL. NO BIGGIE. 219 00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,492 >> Jon: EXACTLY. >> Stephen: WE DO THAT EVERY 220 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:57,529 DAY. WE ONLY BROADCAST IT TONIGHT. 221 00:14:57,596 --> 00:15:00,566 ( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME, 222 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,835 RIGHT OVER THERE, CRUISING THE VAST TSU-KIJI FISH MARKET OF THE 223 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,136 DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, CAREFULLY SURVEYING THE FRESHEST, MOST 224 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:07,306 TOPICAL CATCH OF THE DAY, CHOOSING ONLY THE HIGHEST GRADE 225 00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,508 AHI NEWS TUNA, AWABI, AND UNAGI, THEN DELICATELY PICKING THROUGH 226 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,311 THE RICE GRAINS OF THE HEADLINES, GENTLY WRAPPING THE 227 00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:16,148 INGREDIENTS IN THE FRESHEST HAND-PICKED NORI, AND CAREFULLY 228 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:20,185 LAYING IT ALL OUT TO PRESENT TO YOU THE YAMANAKA LACQUERED 229 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:27,259 THREE-TIER JUBAKO BENTO BOX THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 230 00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:28,761 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. 231 00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:33,165 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING. 232 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,034 BUT SOMETIMES, I AM SLAPPED AWAKE BY A POSSUM ON A BED OF 233 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:39,371 WET TIRES NEAR A LONG-ABANDONED WHARF, SELL MY LAST REMAINING 234 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,740 ADULT TEETH TO A VAGRANT FISHMONGER FOR AN EXPIRED SALMON 235 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,143 CARCASS, THAT I GRIND INTO A SOFT PASTE, THEN ROLL IN ENOUGH 236 00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:47,980 STALE RICE KRISPIES TO MAKE SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP TAKE A 237 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:51,050 HARD LOOK IN MIRROR, AND SERVE YOU THE NIGHT-SCREAM INDUCING 238 00:15:51,116 --> 00:16:03,128 HOBO HAND-ROLL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 239 00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:05,464 "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 240 00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:06,765 THERE YOU GO. THERE IT IS. 241 00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:12,971 "MEANWHILE!" TO THE RESCUE! "MEANWHILE!," LIKE THE CALVARY! 242 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,107 MEANWHILE, IN LOS ANGELES A MAN LED POLICE ON A LENGTHY 243 00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,208 CAR CHASE THROUGH THE CITY BEFORE FLEEING ON FOOT, AND 244 00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:20,446 THAT'S WHERE IT GOT VERY "KEYSTONE COPS:" 245 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:24,149 >> YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE. THE SUSPECT TRYING TO GET INTO 246 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:27,519 SOMEONE'S PROPERTY, OBVIOUSLY DOING A VERY POOR JOB OF IT 247 00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:31,857 RIGHT THERE. L.A.P.D. COMING TO A STOP-- OH, 248 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:38,897 COME ON, GUYS HE'S RIGHT THERE OFFICERS RUNNING RIGHT BY HIM. 249 00:16:38,964 --> 00:16:40,132 OH, MY GOODNESS, I JUST FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE OFFICERS MAKING 250 00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,367 THEIR WAY BACK NOW. IT'S THE BLUE CAR! 251 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:44,136 SOME OF THOSE OFFICERS JUST GETTING THAT INFORMATION, THERE 252 00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:51,477 YOU GO, THERE YOU GO. AND NOW THAT SUSPECT IS GOING 253 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:54,813 INTO CUSTODY. WOW. 254 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,081 (REPORTER LOUDLY SIGHS) AND THEY HAVEN'T SEEN HIM YET 255 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,449 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. THERE WE GO. 256 00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:00,886 OH, MY GOSH. >> STEPHEN: THE L.A.P.D. REPORTS 257 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,857 THAT, AFTER UNSUCCESSFULLY SEARCHING FOR THE SUSPECT 258 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:08,694 UNDERNEATH THAT GUY LYING ON THE GROUND, HE IS STILL AT LARGE. 259 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,764 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, A NEW ARTIFICIAL 260 00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:14,233 INTELLIGENCE TOOL CAN SPOT HEART DISEASE NEARLY 40 TIMES FASTER 261 00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:20,506 THAN DOCTORS. I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOMGHT OF THE 262 00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:26,178 A.I. IN ACTION. ( COMPUTER SCANNING AND 263 00:17:26,245 --> 00:17:29,214 CALCULATING SOUNDS ) >> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD 264 00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:30,349 YOU TO GO EASY ON THE VELVEETA? ( LAUGHTER ) 265 00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:31,817 >> STEPHEN: THE TECH IS IMPRESSIVE, APPARENTLY IT CAN 266 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,385 SPOT HEART DISEASE IN 20 SECONDS. 267 00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,220 HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: FIRST, IT ASKS IF YOU ARE AMERICAN. 268 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:41,226 IF YOU SAY YES, YOU HAVE HEART DISEASE. 269 00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:49,001 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 270 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:52,371 MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS FOR ALL YOU ART LOVERS. 271 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,506 A MAN LISTED A PAINTING HE CLAIMS IS 'CURSED' ON EBAY FOR 272 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:57,843 JUST $50 BECAUSE HE SAYS IT RUINED HIS LIFE. 273 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,946 I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S CURSED ABOUT THIS 274 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:05,851 PAINTING? IT'S JUST A HAUNTING DEAD-EYED 275 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:12,224 BABY AND CHUCKY ED SHEERAN. ( LAUGHTER ) 276 00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:14,626 ACCORDING TO THE SELLER, AFTER HE PURCHASED THE PAINTING, HE 277 00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:17,229 EXPERIENCED AN "EPIC LOSING STREAK," INCLUDING DISCOVERING 278 00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:21,867 AN INSECT INFESTATION IN HIS HOUSE, THE DEATH OF HIS BELOVED 279 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:25,838 HAMSTER, AND LACK OF SLEEP. WELL, IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE 280 00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:28,807 SLEEPING, I HEAR THE TRICK IS TO GET OUT OF BED, SIT SOMEPLACE 281 00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:33,846 COMFORTABLE FOR A MOMENT, AND BURN THIS PAINTING. 282 00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:38,851 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 283 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,220 MEANWHILE, YOU CAN NOW BUY A DIAMOND RING MADE FROM RANCH 284 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:47,960 DRESSING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 285 00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:53,765 EITHER A DIAMOND OR A RANCH DRESSING FAN IN THE AUDIENCE. 286 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:54,933 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, DIAMONDS ARE JUST PURE 287 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,568 CARBON, WHICH IS WHAT ALL ORGANIC MATERIAL IS MADE FROM. 288 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,238 SO, THIS DIAMOND WAS CREATED IN A LAB BY HEATING HIDDEN VALLEY 289 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:04,443 RANCH SEASONING TO 2,500 DEGREES, AND THEN CRUSHING THE 290 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:09,648 OUTPUT BENEATH 400 TONS OF PRESSURE, TAKING FIVE MONTHS 291 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,649 TOTAL TO CREATE. KINDA' SOUNDS LIKE ANYTHING CAN 292 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:13,485 BE A DIAMOND. REMINDS ME OF THE CLASSIC JAMES 293 00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:17,856 BOND MOVIE: "DIAMONDS ARE WHATEVER." 294 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,859 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT MEANWHILE 295 00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,394 EXTREME TAX SOLUTIONS AND DISCOUNT MEDICAL WASTE DISPOSAL 296 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:27,299 OFTEN GET SO MUCH INSANE NEWS OUT OF ONE PARTICULAR STATE THAT 297 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:30,068 WE CREATED OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT: 298 00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:33,839 "GUESS WHICH STATE THIS HAPPENED IN. 299 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:37,843 NEVER MIND, IT'S FLORIDA." >> GIVE ME BACK MY DRUGS, 300 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:45,851 ALLIGATOR! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 301 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:49,855 MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA MAN ASKED POLICE TO TEST HIS METH FOR 302 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,891 AUTHENTICITY. THERE'S ALREADY A PRETTY 303 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,727 RELIABLE WAY TO TEST IF YOUR METH IS AUTHENTIC. 304 00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:57,829 DID IT MAKE YOU CALL THE POLICE TO COME CHECK IF YOUR METH IS 305 00:19:57,896 --> 00:20:01,833 AUTHENTIC? THEN THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF. 306 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:05,437 THE GENIUS CONNOISSEUR APPARENTLY TOLD OFFICERS THAT HE 307 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:09,174 WAS AN EXPERIENCED DRUG USER AND HE KNEW WHAT IT SHOULD FEEL LIKE 308 00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:12,678 AND THAT THE SUBSTANCE WASN'T PRODUCING THE DESIRED EFFECT. 309 00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,246 "THIS METHAMPHETAMINE LACKS CHARACTERISTIC NOTES OF BATTERY 310 00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,849 ACID AND FANTA BOTTLE AND SIMPLY ISN'T PRODUCING THE 311 00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:23,589 TOOTH-SOFTENING FINISH ONE IS ACCUSTOMED TO. 312 00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:26,558 I DON'T FEEL ANY SPIDERS UNDER MY SKIN." 313 00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:28,026 ( LAUGHTER ) UNSURPRISINGLY, TURNS OUT, THE 314 00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:33,098 MAN'S METH WAS REAL. AND HE WAS ARRESTED. 315 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,967 ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE 316 00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:38,203 OWES HIS METH DEALER AN APOLOGY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SANDRA 317 00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:38,971 BULLOCK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 318 00:20:56,455 --> 00:21:04,363 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. HEY! 319 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:12,237 WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST 320 00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:13,505 TONIGHT -- ( CHEERING ) 321 00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:16,942 -- IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "THE BLIND 322 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:21,346 SIDE," "OCEAN'S EIGHT," AND "BIRD BOX," PLEASE WELCOME BACK 323 00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:24,416 TO "THE LATE SHOW," SANDRA BULLOCK! 324 00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:39,264 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 325 00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:41,867 ISN'T THAT LOVELY? SANDRA BULLOCK! 326 00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:43,435 NO, NO! YOU SIT! 327 00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:49,675 YOU SIT. LOVELY TO SEE YOU. 328 00:21:49,741 --> 00:21:52,444 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> A ROWDY BUNCH. 329 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:56,882 >> Stephen: VERY EXCITED. LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 330 00:21:56,948 --> 00:22:03,355 >> LOVELY TO BE HERE. >> Stephen: SANDRA BULLOCK, 331 00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:06,291 PEOPLE CALL YOU SANDY? >> YES, PEOPLE WHO I LIKE. 332 00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:10,028 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT GOING TO GET OUT AHEAD OF MY 333 00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:13,498 SKIS AND CALL YOU SANDY. >> I PREFER IT. 334 00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:17,869 >> Stephen: SANDY B. ANDY B. 335 00:22:17,936 --> 00:22:25,510 >> Stephen: LIKE CALLING ROBERT DE NIRO BOBBY B. 336 00:22:25,577 --> 00:22:27,546 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: SINCE 2018, NOT A 337 00:22:27,612 --> 00:22:28,714 LOT'S HAPPENED SINCE THEN. >> NOT A LOT. 338 00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:30,048 >> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? I FEEL LIKE IT'S THE LOST 339 00:22:30,115 --> 00:22:34,219 YEARS BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER. I MADE TWO MOVIES BUT OTHER THAN 340 00:22:34,286 --> 00:22:36,488 THAT, I CAN'T REMEMBER. >> Stephen: NO BIG DEAL, 341 00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,223 INCLUDING THIS IS ONE OF THE TWO. 342 00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:39,991 >> I HAVE BEEN DOING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING. 343 00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:43,729 >> Stephen: IS "BULLET TRAIN" ANOTHER ONE? 344 00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:47,265 >> I WAS LITERALLY IN IT A SECOND FOR A DAY OR TWO. 345 00:22:47,332 --> 00:22:51,236 I DON'T DO ANYTHING TOO MEANINGFUL OTHER THAN BEING 346 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:56,775 BRAD'S HEAD FOR A WHILE. >> Stephen: BRAD? 347 00:22:56,842 --> 00:22:59,845 BRADY P. >> BRADY P. 348 00:22:59,911 --> 00:23:01,379 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOOD 349 00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:07,119 FRIENDS. >> NO, NOT AT ALL. 350 00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:09,321 I REALLY DON'T KNOW THE MAN. >> Stephen: THE NEW FILM IS 351 00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:18,163 CALLED "THE LOST CITY." IT'S THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT, IT 352 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:21,333 IS SILLY AND STUPID. >> WOW, WOW, THAT'S THE WORD 353 00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:24,469 YOU'RE PUTTING OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE. 354 00:23:24,536 --> 00:23:27,839 >> Stephen: IT'S SO SILLY, IT'S FUN. 355 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:33,845 >> NOW YOU SAY FUN, BUT YOU LED WITH SILLY AND STUPID, AND I'M 356 00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:36,615 THINKING, WHY AM I HERE? >> Stephen: THAT'S THE HIGHEST 357 00:23:36,681 --> 00:23:40,385 COMPLIMENT I CAN GIVE A COMEDIAN, BOY, THAT'S DUMB. 358 00:23:40,452 --> 00:23:43,221 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S SO FUN AND IT'S GOT 359 00:23:43,288 --> 00:23:46,424 GOOD EXPLOSIONS, TOO. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? 360 00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:48,126 >> THAT EXPLOSION WAS OUR FIRST TAKE. 361 00:23:48,193 --> 00:23:55,600 >> Stephen: YOU AND THE THING INSIDE THE WH WHEELBARROW. 362 00:23:55,667 --> 00:23:56,968 >> YEAH, THAT WAS OUR FIRST TAKE. 363 00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:59,004 NO ONE TOLD US HOW BIG IT WOULD BE. 364 00:23:59,070 --> 00:24:03,909 >> Stephen: YOU LOOK STARTLED. MY FACE IS SO AWKWARD AND GO 365 00:24:03,975 --> 00:24:05,343 DESK. >> Stephen: TELL PEOPLE WHAT 366 00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:10,148 IT'S ABOUT. >> WELL, IT'S A STUPID FILM -- 367 00:24:10,215 --> 00:24:13,385 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S THAT GOOD? 368 00:24:13,451 --> 00:24:14,519 YEAH. >> Stephen: WOW! 369 00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:19,024 IT'S A THROWBACK TO THE WAY MOVIES USED TO BE THAT WERE 370 00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:25,363 FUNNY AND HAD BIG SCOPE AND A LOT OF LOVE AND HATE AND ACTION 371 00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:28,400 AND GREAT ACTORS IN IT. >> Stephen: YES. 372 00:24:28,466 --> 00:24:32,404 IT'S EPIC IN ITS SCALE, TOO. >> STUPIDLY EPIC. 373 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:38,009 >> Stephen: YES. I PLAY AN AUTHOR WHO IS A 374 00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:42,214 SHUT-IN, SHE'S EXPERIENCED LOSS AND SHE FEELS SHE CAN WRITE HER 375 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,350 ROMANCE NOVELS, SHE'S REALLY A HISTORIAN BUT THEY COULDN'T SELL 376 00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:49,354 HER BOOK SO SHE ADDED SEX AND IT BECAME ROMANCE NOVELS. 377 00:24:49,421 --> 00:24:53,091 SHE THINKS SHE CAN WRITE BUT CAN'T BECAUSE HER FIRST BOOK IN 378 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:57,028 FIVE YEARS IS A FLOP. THEY ASKED HER PRESS MODEL TO 379 00:24:57,095 --> 00:24:59,097 COME ON THE TOUR BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO SEE HER. 380 00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,200 >> Stephen: KIND OF A FABIO INDIVIDUAL. 381 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:06,071 >> YES, HE'S A FAN FAVORITE AND THEY GO ON THE TOUR AND SHE GETS 382 00:25:06,137 --> 00:25:09,140 KIDNAPPED BY A BILLIONAIRE WHO BELIEVES IN HER BOOK IS THE 383 00:25:09,207 --> 00:25:11,276 ANSWER TO THE TREASURE THAT HE'S BEEN SEEKING. 384 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:15,914 >> Stephen: AND THE EVIL BILLIONAIRE IS DANIEL RATCLIFF. 385 00:25:15,981 --> 00:25:21,253 >> WHO IS BEYOND BRILLIANT. >> Stephen: AND FUN TO SEE 386 00:25:21,319 --> 00:25:23,355 EVIL. >> JUST A REALLY GOOD GUY. 387 00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:28,727 >> Stephen: AND DASH, YOUR COVER MODEL, CHANNING TATUM. 388 00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:37,369 >> HE IS FULL ON FABIO-NESS. >> Stephen: HE'S FULL ON 389 00:25:37,435 --> 00:25:42,574 MONTY. LET'S SELL TICKETS NOW, SANDY. 390 00:25:42,641 --> 00:25:46,845 >> HE'S STUPID NAKED IN THIS FILM, STUPID! 391 00:25:46,912 --> 00:25:48,546 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE'S A MOMENT 392 00:25:48,613 --> 00:25:53,318 IN THE AD WHERE HE'S STRIPPED TO THE WAIST, LEACHES ARE ON HIS 393 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:56,154 BACK. IN THE MOVIE HE DROPS TROU 394 00:25:56,221 --> 00:26:00,458 COMPLETELY AND I THINK THEY'RE HANDLING THAT IN A TASTEFUL WAY 395 00:26:00,525 --> 00:26:04,863 UNTIL THEY DON'T, AND THEN IT'S A FULL ON QUITE LOVELY SHOT OF 396 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:08,066 HIS BUTT, FULL CRACK. >> NO, NO! 397 00:26:08,133 --> 00:26:10,602 >> Stephen: NO, REALLY, I WATCHED YOUR MOVIE. 398 00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:13,438 I DON'T ALWAYS WATCH MY GUESTS' MOVIES. 399 00:26:13,505 --> 00:26:15,607 I WATCHED THIS ONE. >> NO, THERE'S A FULL CHEEK, 400 00:26:15,674 --> 00:26:19,144 THEN A ART -- >> Stephen: THAT'S CALLED THE 401 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:22,414 CRACK, THE PART. DID YOU NOT GO TO MEDICAL 402 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,718 SCHOOL? THEY CALL THAT THE CRACK. 403 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:29,587 >> I COULD BE WRONG, YOU MIGHT BE NEED TO GO SEE THE MOVIE JUST 404 00:26:29,654 --> 00:26:33,158 TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I DON'T BELIEVE WE SHOWED THE 405 00:26:33,224 --> 00:26:36,194 FULL LEFT CHEEK, I THINK WE HIPTD AT THE RISE -- 406 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:39,097 >> Stephen: 90% TO HAVE THE LEFT CHEEK. 407 00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:42,667 IT'S FULL -- LIKE THIS. >> FULL. 408 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:48,373 >> Stephen: LIKE THIS ( MAKING SOUNDS ) 409 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,507 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY. 410 00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:53,211 AND IT'S A LONG TIME. I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S AN ETICKET 411 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,914 RIGHT THERE. IT'S A FAST PASS RIGHT THERE. 412 00:26:55,981 --> 00:26:58,183 >> HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW WHAT AN ETICKET IS? 413 00:26:58,249 --> 00:27:00,952 >> Stephen: I'M 57. OF COURSE, PEOPLE KNOW. 414 00:27:01,019 --> 00:27:05,590 >> EIGHT PEOPLE WENT, YEAH! >> Stephen: AND THERE'S A 415 00:27:05,657 --> 00:27:08,293 MOMENT AT WHICH HE TURNS AROUND SO YOU CAN CHECK THE FRONT. 416 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:12,030 >> HE DOES. >> Stephen: IS THAT C.G.I.? 417 00:27:12,097 --> 00:27:12,998 NO. >> Stephen: YOU'RE THERE. 418 00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:18,870 FULLY THERE. FULL ON, FACE TO FACE WITH THE 419 00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:25,243 LANDSCAPE THAT I NEEDED TO TEÊTE-AÀ-TEÊTE, AS WE SAY. 420 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:29,381 >> FULL ON TEÊTE-AÀ-TEÊTE. I HAD TO SPEND TIME DOWN THERE 421 00:27:29,447 --> 00:27:31,916 JUST MAKING SURE -- >> Stephen: NO LEACHES. 422 00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:36,021 NO LEACHES. AND I HAD A LOT TO SAY TO IT, 423 00:27:36,087 --> 00:27:40,058 APPARENTLY. AS ONE DOES. 424 00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:43,194 WHEN YOU'RE THERE YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET TO KNOW IT. 425 00:27:43,261 --> 00:27:45,063 >> Stephen: YES. YOUR CHARACTER IS REACTING IN 426 00:27:45,130 --> 00:27:46,865 THAT MOMENT. >> YES. 427 00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:48,433 >> Stephen: AS IF -- THERE'S A SURPRISE. 428 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:54,139 >> Stephen: AND PERHAPS HE IS GENEROUSLY ENDOWED, SHALL WE 429 00:27:54,205 --> 00:27:54,973 SAY. >> OR NOT. 430 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,109 >> Stephen: OH... UH-HUH. 431 00:27:58,176 --> 00:28:00,578 THE CHARACTER! THE CHARACTER! 432 00:28:00,645 --> 00:28:04,616 >> Stephen: I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. 433 00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:10,522 IT COULD SWING EITHER WAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 434 00:28:10,588 --> 00:28:11,756 ( APPLAUSE ) YOU NEVER KNOW. 435 00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:14,092 >> LET'S JUST SAY -- LET'S JUST SAY -- 436 00:28:14,159 --> 00:28:19,597 >> Stephen: SAY IT. -- THAT I HONESTLY DIDN'T 437 00:28:19,664 --> 00:28:23,501 NOTICE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO -- 438 00:28:23,568 --> 00:28:27,439 >> Stephen: THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES. 439 00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:33,378 >> IN ALL HONESTY WHEN YOU'RE DOWN THERE AND HAVE TWO PAGES OF 440 00:28:33,445 --> 00:28:36,247 DIALOGUE AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT YOU GET NOTHING DONE. 441 00:28:36,314 --> 00:28:40,518 I LOOKED AT HIS LEFT THIGH JUST LIKE THE CREASE BETWEEN THAT 442 00:28:40,585 --> 00:28:43,822 AREA AND THERE. >> Stephen: THIS THING, THIS 443 00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:45,056 THING. THAT THING RIGHT THERE. 444 00:28:45,123 --> 00:28:47,125 >> NO, THAT'S HIGHER UP. I HAD TO LOOK DOWN WHERE IT 445 00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:51,496 MIGHT BE, BUT I JUST GRAZED IT HERE. 446 00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:54,265 AND I FOCUSED MORE ON THE LEFT INNER THIGH. 447 00:28:54,332 --> 00:28:57,368 >> Stephen: OKAY. BECAUSE YOU'RE A PRO. 448 00:28:57,435 --> 00:29:00,638 >> YEAH! >> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS A 449 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:02,974 TOUGH TRANSITION FOR ME TO MAKE TO THE NEXT QUESTION. 450 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:04,843 >> LET ME HELP YOU. >> Stephen: IT'S THIS ONE. 451 00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:16,588 WHICH ONE? YOUR KIDS LOUIE AND LILA! 452 00:29:16,654 --> 00:29:21,359 ( LAUGHTER ) LET'S JUST SKIP THAT ONE. 453 00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:22,460 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: THEY WERE ON THE 454 00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,463 SET THE WHOLE TIME. >> NO, THEY WERE ON QUARANTINE. 455 00:29:25,530 --> 00:29:31,069 >> Stephen: THE BUBBLE. THE BEAUTY OF IT WAS WE WERE 456 00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:37,909 IN THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. WE HAD 650 CREW MEMBERS, 450 457 00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:40,712 DOMINICAN. WE SAID COME WITH US, WE'LL KEEP 458 00:29:40,778 --> 00:29:42,881 YOU SAFE BUT YOU HAVE TO BUBBLE WITH US. 459 00:29:42,947 --> 00:29:47,886 WE TOOK OVER RESORTS THAT SHUT DOWN, SO WE SAID COME BACK, 460 00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:50,922 EVERYONE, WE'RE GOING TO BUBBLE. SO WE HAD A SAFE TIME AND A GOOD 461 00:29:50,989 --> 00:29:53,358 TIME. >> Stephen: A SAFE TIME AND A 462 00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:56,661 GOOD TIME. >> ISN'T THAT A KEY THESE DAYS? 463 00:29:56,728 --> 00:30:00,732 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: A QUICK BREAK BUT 464 00:30:00,798 --> 00:30:02,567 BACK WITH MORE OF SANDRA BULLOCK, EVERYBODY. 465 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,110 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH SANDRA 466 00:30:12,177 --> 00:30:15,146 BULLOCK FROM THE NEW MOVIE "THE LOST CITY." 467 00:30:15,213 --> 00:30:16,447 BRAD PITT. >> YES. 468 00:30:16,514 --> 00:30:24,656 >> Stephen: THE BRAD PITT. BRADY P., HAS A CAMEO. 469 00:30:24,722 --> 00:30:26,624 HE'S REALLY FUNNY IN IT. >> HE IS. 470 00:30:26,691 --> 00:30:29,827 >> Stephen: HE'S STUPID FUNNY. TUPID FUNNY IN THIS, YEAH. 471 00:30:29,894 --> 00:30:34,065 >> Stephen: HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT? 472 00:30:34,132 --> 00:30:37,302 >> MY GIRLFRIEND WHO HAS BEEN DOING MY HAIR ON MOVIES FOREVER 473 00:30:37,368 --> 00:30:42,707 WAS DOING HIS HAIR ON BULLET TRAIN AND HE SAID, CAN YOU 474 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:50,215 PLEASE CALL SANDY AND ASK HER IF SHE WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THE 475 00:30:50,281 --> 00:30:53,218 PART. AND I TOLD HER, HE NEEDS TO DO 476 00:30:53,284 --> 00:30:54,786 THE PART. WE NEVER SPOKE. 477 00:30:54,852 --> 00:31:00,258 >> Stephen: DID JEANINE GET HERE BEAK WET BECAUSE SOUNDS 478 00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:04,195 LIKE SHE'S A PRODUCER HERE. >> SHE DOES NOT. 479 00:31:04,262 --> 00:31:07,732 SHE DOESN'T DO THAT. >> Stephen: I'M NOT ASKING HER 480 00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:10,835 IF SHE HAS A SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEMS. 481 00:31:10,902 --> 00:31:13,271 DID SHE GET A TASTE OF THE PROCEEDS. 482 00:31:13,338 --> 00:31:16,574 >> SHE GETS TO WORK WITH US! WHAT MORE DOES SHE WANT? 483 00:31:16,641 --> 00:31:21,579 >> Stephen: I WOULD GIVE HER PRODUCER CREDIT IF YOU WORK FOR 484 00:31:21,646 --> 00:31:24,415 ME, WORK FOR STEVIE C. OVER HERE. 485 00:31:24,482 --> 00:31:26,818 >> DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME -- >> Stephen: DOESN'T? 486 00:31:26,884 --> 00:31:27,785 NO. >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S ALL 487 00:31:27,852 --> 00:31:30,622 WE HAVE TIME FOR. ( LAUGHTER ) 488 00:31:30,688 --> 00:31:37,295 A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. KEANU REEVES CAME BACK WITH THE 489 00:31:37,362 --> 00:31:42,700 MATRIX RESURRECTION. YOU GUYS FIRST HIT IT OFF IN 490 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:45,236 SPEED. >> HOW KIND IS HE. 491 00:31:45,303 --> 00:31:46,871 >> Stephen: LOVELY. HE IS THAT GUY. 492 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:53,645 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT "SPEED 3". 493 00:31:53,711 --> 00:31:57,548 HE SAYS HE'S UP FOR THAT. >> NO, I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SIT 494 00:31:57,615 --> 00:32:01,052 IN ANY VEHICLE WITH KEANU FOR THE DURATION. 495 00:32:01,119 --> 00:32:03,921 >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO BE. 496 00:32:03,988 --> 00:32:07,191 >> I THINK WE SHOULD BE OLD AND IN AN R.V. 497 00:32:07,258 --> 00:32:09,827 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND HE'S BACK 498 00:32:09,894 --> 00:32:13,398 THERE MAKING GRILLED CHEESE. >> HE'S DRIVING THIS TIME AND 499 00:32:13,464 --> 00:32:15,933 I'M TELLING HIM HOW TO DRIVE AND WE'RE FIGHTING MAYBE. 500 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,469 >> Stephen: AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG, JUST 501 00:32:18,536 --> 00:32:20,838 FIGHTING FOR TWO HOURS. >> AND THE CARS ARE TRYING TO 502 00:32:20,905 --> 00:32:25,276 GET AROUND US THE WHOLE TIME AND WE'RE JUST PUTTING ALONG THE 503 00:32:25,343 --> 00:32:26,944 INTERSTATE. I THINK THAT COULD BE -- 504 00:32:27,011 --> 00:32:32,216 >> Stephen: DID I MENTION THIS TO YOU THE LAST TIME YOU WERE 505 00:32:32,283 --> 00:32:37,689 HERE? I TRIED TO GET AN AUDITION FOR 506 00:32:37,755 --> 00:32:39,123 SPEED 2. >> WHY? 507 00:32:39,190 --> 00:32:41,993 I HAPPENED TO BE IN LOS ANGELES AT THE TIME AND I CALLED MY 508 00:32:42,060 --> 00:32:45,163 AGENT, SAID SEE IF YOU CAN GET ME AN AWE DISITION. 509 00:32:45,229 --> 00:32:48,199 >> DID YOU READ THE SCRIPT? >> Stephen: NO, THERE'S A 510 00:32:48,266 --> 00:32:50,168 BOAT, IT'S FAST AND GOING TO BLOW UP. 511 00:32:50,234 --> 00:32:54,539 HE SAID, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU, AND HE SAID ABSOLUTELY NOT. 512 00:32:54,605 --> 00:32:58,209 >> ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS. >> Stephen: SERIOUS. 513 00:32:58,276 --> 00:33:01,446 YOUNT GLAD YOU WEREN'T IN IT. >> Stephen: I HAD A BABY. 514 00:33:01,512 --> 00:33:03,448 NEEDED A JOB. WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY. 515 00:33:03,514 --> 00:33:05,950 >> I WOULD HAVE HIRED YOU. >> Stephen: YOU WOULD HAVE? 516 00:33:06,017 --> 00:33:08,419 BUT YOU WOULD HAVE HAD TO DO MY HAIR. 517 00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:11,889 >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE IT. SPEED 3, THINK ABOUT ME. 518 00:33:11,956 --> 00:33:14,158 >> I'M THINKING. OH, WITH YOU? 519 00:33:14,225 --> 00:33:20,131 WITH ME AND KEANU? >> Stephen: NO, KEANU -- I'M, 520 00:33:20,198 --> 00:33:22,700 LIKE, THE COP THAT PULLS OVER THE R.V. 521 00:33:22,767 --> 00:33:25,002 >> I LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: AND YOU'VE GOT TO 522 00:33:25,069 --> 00:33:28,906 DRIVE A LITTLE BIT FASTER OR ELSE WE'RE GOING TO BLOW IT UP. 523 00:33:28,973 --> 00:33:30,908 THAT'S THE PLOT. YOU HAVE TO DRIVE OVER 50 MILES 524 00:33:30,975 --> 00:33:34,746 AN HOUR OR WE BLOW UP YOUR R.V. >> OKAY. 525 00:33:34,812 --> 00:33:36,280 >> Stephen: ARE YOU IN. I'M IN. 526 00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:42,653 >> Stephen: IS THAT A TV IN OR A HOLLYWOOD IN? 527 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:43,554 >> YES. ( LAUGHTER ) 528 00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:44,589 SO I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 529 00:33:44,655 --> 00:33:46,057 WILL YOU MOVE ON. >> Stephen: NO, YOU DON'T GET 530 00:33:46,124 --> 00:33:49,927 TO SEE. THIS PART'S NOT ON THE CARD. 531 00:33:49,994 --> 00:33:54,499 OVER THERE GOING WE'RE DEFINITELY CUTTING HIS AUDITION 532 00:33:54,565 --> 00:33:56,467 TAPE OVER THERE. WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK. 533 00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:59,837 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SANDRA BULLOCK HAS BROUGHT AN EXCLUSIVE 534 00:33:59,904 --> 00:34:04,375 CLIP FROM THE MOVIE YOU WON'T SEE ANYWHERE ELSE. 535 00:34:04,442 --> 00:34:04,876 STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 536 00:34:18,222 --> 00:34:20,391 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF 537 00:34:20,458 --> 00:34:24,228 "THE LOST CITY," SANDRA BULLOCK. I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT WHAT'S 538 00:34:24,295 --> 00:34:29,233 ABOUT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE MOST GUESTS BRING A CLIP OF THEIR 539 00:34:29,300 --> 00:34:31,102 MOVIE, AND YOU'VE GONE THE EXTRA MILE. 540 00:34:31,169 --> 00:34:33,571 TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU'VE BROUGHT. 541 00:34:33,638 --> 00:34:37,208 >> YOU DO THESE PRESS RELEASES AND HAVE ALL THE CLIPS. 542 00:34:37,275 --> 00:34:41,112 SO AFTER A WHILE I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE SAME CLIPS OVER 543 00:34:41,179 --> 00:34:44,715 AND OVER AGAIN THAT I DON'T FEEL EXEMPLIFY THE ENERGY ON SET. 544 00:34:44,782 --> 00:34:48,052 WE WERE SO HAPPY TO BE IN EACH OTHERS' PRESENCE THAT WE GOT NO 545 00:34:48,119 --> 00:34:50,788 WORK DONE. SO WE HAD A BLOOPER REAL THAT WE 546 00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:54,091 SHOWED THE CREW BECAUSE WE WASTED SO MUCH FILM. 547 00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:57,962 SO I JUST BROUGHT A CHUNK OF OUR BLOOPER REAL. 548 00:34:58,029 --> 00:35:01,098 >> Stephen: THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE. 549 00:35:01,165 --> 00:35:02,099 >> YES. >> Stephen: NO ONE ELSE HAS 550 00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:06,804 GOTTEN THIS. >> DO WE SAY IT THAT. 551 00:35:06,871 --> 00:35:10,107 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT IN THE INDUSTRY. 552 00:35:10,174 --> 00:35:11,876 JIM. >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 553 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,213 I WAS ACTING! GOOD ACTING! 554 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:18,916 YEAH, FINE, HER, TOO. PLEASE. 555 00:35:18,983 --> 00:35:20,618 MANSCAPE -- >> DON'T WANT TO MANSCAPE YOU. 556 00:35:20,685 --> 00:35:25,356 I DIDN'T BRING MY CLIPPERS. >> HEY, WHAT'S UP? 557 00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:31,329 I TOOK OVER YOUR SOCIALS, AND, SO -- 558 00:35:31,395 --> 00:35:33,698 ( LAUGHTER ) -- I -- I HAVE BEEN TWEETING FOR 559 00:35:33,764 --> 00:35:37,435 YOU AND, TODAY -- >> IT'S BASED ON THE NAME OF AN 560 00:35:37,502 --> 00:35:45,843 AN CHEPT TRIPE. CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME. 561 00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:52,517 >> APIKAGINO -- JUST D FOR DASH. ( BLEEP ). 562 00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:55,152 >> A BIT OF WHISKEY. JUST SAY IT. 563 00:35:55,219 --> 00:35:59,023 I THINK DO THAT -- HAVE YOU SEEN THE MATRIX? 564 00:35:59,090 --> 00:36:03,394 THERE IS ROOM FOR LEACHES, AVAILABLE TERRAIN BUT THEY HAVE 565 00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:07,398 NOT EXPLORED THIS BEIGE RUNWAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 566 00:36:07,465 --> 00:36:12,436 I'LL GO THAT AGAIN! >> Stephen: THAT IS STUPID. 567 00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:15,306 BEIGE RUNWAY. THAT'S GOOD. 568 00:36:15,373 --> 00:36:18,042 >> Stephen: WELL -- IS THIS THE AWKWARD TIME? 569 00:36:18,109 --> 00:36:20,778 >> Stephen: I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT. 570 00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:25,082 I'D REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SANDY, BUT WE'VE GOT TO 571 00:36:25,149 --> 00:36:25,883 GO, UNFORTUNATELY. ALL RIGHT. 572 00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:27,785 >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 573 00:36:27,852 --> 00:36:29,687 >> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME 574 00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:33,958 >> STEPHEN: "THE LOST CITY" IS IN THEATERS MARCH 25TH. 575 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,127 SANDRA BULLOCK, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 576 00:36:36,193 --> 00:36:37,328 PERFORMANCE BY BILLY STRINGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 577 00:36:41,399 --> 00:36:44,235 >> STEPHEN: HE IS NOMINATED FOR BEST AMERICAN ROOTS PERFORMANCE 578 00:36:44,302 --> 00:36:48,039 AND BEST BLUEGRASS ALBUM AT THE UPCOMING GRAMMY AWARDS. 579 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:51,075 PERFORMING "KNOW IT ALL," FROM HIS ALBUM "RENEWAL," 580 00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:53,010 BILLY STRINGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 581 00:36:53,077 --> 00:36:58,716 ♪ ♪ ♪ 582 00:36:58,783 --> 00:36:59,650 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 583 00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:05,323 ♪ WELL ALL I KNOW IS EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED 584 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:07,391 ♪ AND IF I'M CHANGING THAT'S THE REASON 585 00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:11,162 ♪ THAT I'LL TURN INTO SOMEONE I CAN TRUST 586 00:37:11,228 --> 00:37:13,364 ♪ BEFORE I TURN BACK INTO DUST 587 00:37:13,431 --> 00:37:17,335 ♪ THERE'S AN ANSWER BUT I WOULDN'T BE CONCERNED 588 00:37:17,401 --> 00:37:20,204 ♪ OUT OF EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN AND ALL I'VE HEARD 589 00:37:20,271 --> 00:37:24,008 ♪ AND EVERYWHERE I'VE BEEN AROUND THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD 590 00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:25,810 ♪ THERE'S STILL SOMETHING I CAN'T FIND 591 00:37:25,876 --> 00:37:28,045 ♪ I'VE BEEN LOST WITHIN MY MIND 592 00:37:28,112 --> 00:37:31,315 ♪ SINCE YOU FELL OUT OF MY SIGHT WITHOUT A WORD 593 00:37:31,382 --> 00:37:38,656 ♪ WELL I THOUGHT I KNEW IT ALL TILL I CRASHED INTO THE WALL 594 00:37:38,723 --> 00:37:40,958 ♪ LET ME LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES 595 00:37:41,025 --> 00:37:53,170 ♪ AND TRY TO PICK UP ALL THE PIECES 596 00:37:53,237 --> 00:37:59,110 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 597 00:37:59,176 --> 00:38:07,184 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 598 00:38:07,251 --> 00:38:11,122 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 599 00:38:11,188 --> 00:38:17,028 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 600 00:38:17,094 --> 00:38:19,830 ♪ WELL THE NIGHT WE MET I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE 601 00:38:19,897 --> 00:38:23,100 ♪ YES AND WHEN YOU LEFT 602 00:38:23,167 --> 00:38:25,436 ♪ I NEARLY CAME UNDONE THERE'S A MILLION MILES 603 00:38:25,503 --> 00:38:26,971 ♪ TO GO AT THE END I STILL WON'T KNOW 604 00:38:27,038 --> 00:38:32,076 ♪ WHAT I DID TO EVER SEND YOU ON THE RUN 605 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,911 ♪ NOW THE MEMORIES JUST KEEP FLYING 606 00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:35,246 ♪ 'ROUND AND 'ROUND AND I'M TRAVELING FASTER 607 00:38:35,312 --> 00:38:39,216 ♪ THAN THE SPEED OF SOUND WELL THE BIGGER I STAND TALL 608 00:38:39,283 --> 00:38:43,120 ♪ IT'S THE HARDER I MAY FALL ON THE DAY MY VICES 609 00:38:43,187 --> 00:38:50,628 ♪ LAY ME IN THE GROUND WELL I THOUGHT I KNEW IT ALL 610 00:38:50,695 --> 00:38:55,132 ♪ TILL I CRASHED INTO THE WALL LET ME LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES 611 00:38:55,199 --> 00:39:07,812 ♪ AND TRY TO PICK UP ALL THE PIECES 612 00:39:07,878 --> 00:39:13,184 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 613 00:39:13,250 --> 00:39:19,824 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 614 00:39:19,890 --> 00:39:21,759 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 615 00:39:21,826 --> 00:39:23,394 ♪ ♪ ♪ 616 00:39:23,461 --> 00:39:31,635 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WELL, ALL I KNOW IS 617 00:39:31,702 --> 00:39:34,605 EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ♪ AND IF I'M CHANGING 618 00:39:34,672 --> 00:39:38,342 THAT'S THE REASON ♪ THAT I'LL TURN 619 00:39:38,409 --> 00:39:41,679 INTO SOMEONE I CAN TRUST ♪ BEFORE I TURN BACK INTO DUST 620 00:39:41,746 --> 00:39:44,648 THERE'S AN ANSWER ♪ BUT I WOULDN'T BE CONCERNED 621 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:52,757 WELL I THOUGHT I KNEW IT ALL ♪ TILL I CRASHED INTO THE WALL 622 00:39:52,823 --> 00:39:55,126 LET ME LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES ♪ AND TRY TO PICK UP 623 00:39:55,192 --> 00:40:01,332 ALL THE PIECES ♪ LET ME LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES 624 00:40:01,398 --> 00:40:06,170 AND TRY TO ♪ PICK UP ALL THE PIECES 625 00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:06,737 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 626 00:40:06,804 --> 00:40:07,938 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 627 00:40:08,005 --> 00:40:13,611 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MAN, THAT WAS 628 00:40:13,677 --> 00:40:15,713 BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 629 00:40:15,780 --> 00:40:18,048 >> Stephen: BILLY STRINGS, EVERYBODY! 630 00:40:18,115 --> 00:40:20,417 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 631 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,320 WILL BE ANNE HATHAWAY AND DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH. 632 00:40:23,387 --> 00:40:25,356 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.