1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,771 >> GOOGLE SAYING IT WILL END THE VOLUNTARY WORK-FROM-HOME PERIOD 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,074 AND HAVE EMPLOYEES IN THE BAY AREA AND SEVERAL OTHER U.S. 3 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:11,511 LOCATIONS RETURN TO THE OFFICE STARTING THE WEEK OF APRIL 4. 4 00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:12,779 >> APPLE SETS APRIL 11 AS A RETURN TO OFFICE FOR THEIR 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,949 EMPLOYEES. >> EMPLOYEES ARE STARTING TO 6 00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:17,217 COME BACK INTO THE OFFICE AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS OF WORKING FROM 7 00:00:17,283 --> 00:00:20,787 HOME DURING THE PANDEMIC. ♪ ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,856 ( SUNG TO "CLOSING TIME" ) 9 00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,804 ( SUNG TO "CLOSING TIME" ) 10 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,621 >> HOW TO PUT ON A BELT. 11 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,224 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 12 00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:34,727 TONIGHT: 13 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:40,934 IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 14 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:47,474 AIDY BRYANT AND COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN 15 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,175 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 16 00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:52,879 HUMAN. OF 17 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,749 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 18 00:01:56,816 --> 00:02:00,186 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 19 00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:00,987 ♪ ♪ ♪ 20 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:04,224 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 21 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:16,769 HEY! HELLO! 22 00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:31,718 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GENTLEMEN. 23 00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:35,221 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GENTLEMEN. 24 00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:39,459 WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 25 00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,194 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY FRIDAY! 26 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:45,098 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT SOUND. 27 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:48,668 >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE. THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT. 28 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:51,838 THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT, JON. JON, TELL ME, YOU'RE AN EXPERT. 29 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,908 YOU HAVE A GOOD EAR. WHAT KIND OF AUDIENCE IS THAT? 30 00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:57,744 >> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE. 31 00:02:57,810 --> 00:03:03,750 >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS. 32 00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:07,921 WOOOO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 33 00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:12,559 CABLES TO THAT RIGHT THERE. >> Jon: HOOK IT UP! 34 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,661 >> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. 35 00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:20,767 OF AND IT'S GLOWFT ANY FRIDAY. TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY THE TWO-YEAR 36 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:26,806 ANNIVERSARY OF THE PANDEMIC! TWO YEARS-- IT'S TRUE. 37 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,241 TWO YEARS IS THE COTTON ANNIVERSARY. 38 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,509 YOUR GIFT IS ALL THOSE CLOTH MASKS THAT WE NOW KNOW ARE 39 00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:31,945 COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION 40 00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:35,248 THIS IS TRUE, OFFICIALLY DECLARED COVID A PANDEMIC ON 41 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:39,919 MARCH 11, 2021. REMEMBER THOSE EARLY LOCKDOWN 42 00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,955 DAYS? ME NEITHER. 43 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:45,692 BUT LET'S TRY, IN OUR BELOVED ONCE-RUNNING SEGMENT: 44 00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:51,731 >> "THE LATE SHOW'S ROCKIN' TWO-YEAR CORONAVIRUS 45 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,968 PANDEMI-VERSARY: A FO-- LOOK BACK." 46 00:03:55,034 --> 00:04:01,341 >> I'M GONNA GET OMI-CRUNKED! >> Stephen: BACK AT THE START OF 47 00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:02,976 ALL THIS, NOT EVERYONE WAS TAKING COVID SERIOUSLY. 48 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:06,980 CASE IN POINT: UTAH JAZZ CENTER RUDY GOBERT, SEEN HERE AFTER 49 00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:09,716 DAVID BLAINE STOLE HIS WATCH. ( LAUGHTER ) 50 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:15,722 OF 2020, RUDY MADE FUN OF PANDEMIC PRECAUTIONS WHEN, JUST 51 00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,958 DAYS BEFORE TESTING POSITIVE, HE STOOD TO LEAVE, TURNED BACK, AND 52 00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:26,966 JOKINGLY TOUCHED EVERY MICROPHONE ON THE TABLE. 53 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,669 THAT CLIP HAS NOT AGED WELL, BUT AFTER TWO YEARS OF COVID, 54 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:32,572 NEITHER HAVE I. WHEN THE PANDEMIC WAS OFFICIALLY 55 00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:36,075 DECLARED, ALL OF THE NEW YORK LATE-NIGHT HOSTS GOT TOGETHER 56 00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:38,611 AND WE MADE A DETAILED PLAN... THAT IMMEDIATELY GOT FLUSHED 57 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:42,982 DOWN THE TOILET. TELL 'EM WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE! 58 00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,752 LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON. ALL OF THE NEW YORK CITY 59 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,620 LATE-NIGHT SHOWS ARE PLANNING TO GO WITHOUT AUDIENCES STARTING 60 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:51,024 MONDAY. WE ANNOUNCED THAT LAST NIGHT, 61 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:54,227 ACTUALLY. AND THAT CHANGED, BECAUSE JUST A 62 00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,095 FEW HOURS AGO, WE GOT SOME SURPRISING NEWS: WE WOULD BE 63 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,764 GOING WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE STARTING TONIGHT. 64 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:01,367 THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. WE'RE JUST KIND OF WINGING IT. 65 00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,736 THIS IS REHEARSAL RIGHT NOW. THAT'S RIGHT! 66 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,973 OUR LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE WAS GATHERED OUTSIDE, AND THEY WERE 67 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,409 ALL SENT HOME. WELL, NOT THE TOURISTS. 68 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:14,981 THEY WENT TO GO TOUCH STUFF AT THE M&M STORE. 69 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:20,453 ( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T DO A SHOW, WE JUST TAPED 70 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,921 OUR REHEARSAL. THAT DAY'S AUDIENCE WAS JUST TWO 71 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,490 DOZEN STAFF MEMBERS SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE SEATS. 72 00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:25,992 AND COMPARED TO THE STORAGE ROOM WE TAPED IN FOR THE NEXT 15 73 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:31,931 MONTHS, THAT SOUNDED LIKE A SOLD-OUT CROWD AT THE GARDEN. 74 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,299 DAYS LATER, FOLKS ACROSS THE COUNTRY WERE TOLD TO SHELTER IN 75 00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,835 PLACE. AND FOR SOME OF US, THAT PLACE 76 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:42,208 WAS THE TUB: PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE 77 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:43,076 HUNKERED TOWN IN THEIR OWN HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE 78 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:43,943 CORONAVIRUS. THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS 79 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,013 MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS. 80 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,851 SO, GET COMFORTABLE. ( APPLAUSE ) 81 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:56,589 EIGHT WEEKS. OKAY, EIGHT WEEKS WAS A LITTLE 82 00:05:56,656 --> 00:06:03,896 OFF. ( LAUGHTER ) 83 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:07,567 FOR HOW MUCH BATHING I'D DO DURING THE PANDEMIC. 84 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:11,270 THOSE EARLY FIRST FEW MONTHS WERE TOUGH. 85 00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:14,874 IT WAS ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WHEN WE GOT HIT WITH A 86 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,509 GLOBAL TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE. IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN OUR 87 00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:20,513 NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NUMBER TWO. 88 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:28,755 ( LAUGHTER ) TH( RIM SHOT ) 89 00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:31,891 THANK YOU, JOE. WITH T.P. SHELVES EMPTY, PEOPLE 90 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:35,294 STARTED SCRAMBLING FOR AN ALTERNATIVE. 91 00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:36,596 AND, IN MARCH OF 2020, U.S. SEARCHES FOR "BIDET" REACHED AN 92 00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:40,500 ALL-TIME HIGH. OF COURSE, A SEARCH FOR "BIDET" 93 00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:46,539 IS ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY SEARCHES FOR "HOW DO I DRY OFF MY BUTT 94 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:47,640 WITHOUT TOILET PAPER" AND "ARE TERRY CLOTH DRAPERIES A 95 00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:52,545 THING?" AND THERE WERE SO MANY MOMENTS 96 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:55,515 OF HOPEFUL HUMANITY DURING THE LOCKDOWN, LIKE QUARANTINING 97 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:59,285 ITALIANS, WHO SERENADED EACH OTHER FROM THEIR BALCONIES. 98 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:05,291 ♪ ♪ ♪ AND HERE IN AMERICA, WE DID THE 99 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:15,468 SAME. I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT? 100 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,904 I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE ACTUALLY BANGED POTS AND PANS 101 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,172 TOGETHER AT 7:00 FOR NURSES? DID WE DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR 102 00:07:19,238 --> 00:07:21,007 THEM? NO, JUST THE BANGING? 103 00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:28,915 YOU'RE WELCOME? ( LAUGHTER ) 104 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:32,919 HAPPENED: VACCINES, NEW PRESIDENT, MURDEROUS 105 00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:35,688 ANTI-DEMOCRATIC RAMPAGE ON OUR CAPITOL, YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, "THE 106 00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:39,091 BATMAN." ( LAUGHTER ) 107 00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:44,063 OUR TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC? THE ONE COMMON EXPERIENCE THAT 108 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:47,667 UNITES US AS AMERICANS? WE ALL GOT A LI'L PUDGY. 109 00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:49,535 BUT NOW, 61% OF AMERICANS ARE TRYING TO BREAK UNHEALTHY EATING 110 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:52,939 HABITS THAT AROSE DURING THE PANDEMIC. 111 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:55,474 GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. ( LAUGHTER ) 112 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,978 USING THEIR TREADMILL AS A CONVEYOR BELT TO FUNNEL THIN 113 00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,913 MINTS DIRECTLY INTO OUR MOUTHS. 114 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:04,183 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST SET IT ON 8. 115 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,786 JUST SET IT ON 8. INCLINE, INCLINE. 116 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:10,857 ♪ ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES 117 00:08:10,923 --> 00:08:11,924 FEELING THE WEIGHT OF THE PAST TWO YEARS. 118 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:16,896 APPARENTLY, PETS HAVE ALSO PUT ON PANDEMIC POUNDS. 119 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,900 AND THAT MEANS ALL PETS. WE'RE TALKIN' THICK KITTIES, 120 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:24,170 CHONKY DOGGIES, AND EVEN PLUMP PET SNAKES. 121 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,238 WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THAT THING? 122 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:28,307 AND HAS ANYONE SEEN OUR FAT DOG LATELY? 123 00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:32,912 ( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT YEARS WILL BRING, 124 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:35,681 PANDEMIC-WISE, BUT AT LEAST I'VE LEARNED NOT TO SAY WHAT I 125 00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:39,452 SAID ON LAST YEAR'S ANNIVERSARY: THAT DOES IT FOR OUR ONE-YEAR 126 00:08:39,518 --> 00:08:41,721 QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL. TUNE IN NEXT YEAR, WHEN I HOPE 127 00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:45,992 WE HAVE NOTHING TO COMMEMORATE. WAY TO GO, PAST STEPHEN. 128 00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:52,932 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, AND HOT TIP: DON'T GET THAT 129 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:58,871 J-LO HEARTS A-ROD TATTOO. ( LAUGHTER ) 130 00:08:58,938 --> 00:09:04,877 THAT'S BAD FOR YOU. IN OTHER HEALTH NEWS, A NEW 131 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:08,547 STUDY FOUND THAT EXPOSURE TO LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q. 132 00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:09,682 OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH 133 00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:14,553 EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED SINGER." 134 00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:17,657 FOR OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS ( APPLAUSE ) 135 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:23,362 WHO MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THIS NEWS STORY, BACK IN THE DAY, GASOLINE 136 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:27,166 USED TO HAVE LEAD IN IT. WHEN I WAS A KID, AFTER HE 137 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,501 FILLED UP THE CAR, DAD USED TO LET US LICK THE NOZZLE. 138 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:29,669 THE DETAILS ARE... THEY'RE UPSETTING. 139 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:35,675 IN TOTAL, CHILDHOOD LEAD EXPOSURE COST AMERICA AN 140 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:40,212 ESTIMATED 824 MILLION I.Q. POINTS, OR 2.6 POINTS PER 141 00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:41,914 PERSON, ON AVERAGE. THAT'S ON AVERAGE, OF COURSE. 142 00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:46,152 SOME MORE, SOME LESS. THE MAJORITY OF THE I.Q. LOST 143 00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:53,059 WERE CONCENTRATED IN THESE TWO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 144 00:09:53,125 --> 00:10:01,934 SURE. BUT ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, THIS 145 00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:06,706 IS ONLY REALLY A PROBLEM FOR PEOPLE BORN BEFORE 1996, THE 146 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,508 YEAR THE U.S. BANNED GAS CONTAINING LEAD. 147 00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:13,946 OKAY, BUT I WAS BORN BEFORE 1996. 148 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:18,050 ARE THEY SAYING THAT EXPOSURE TO LEAD MADE ME LESS SMART? 149 00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:19,952 THAT DOESN'T-- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. 150 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:21,954 IN OTHER NEWS, EXPOSURE TO LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q. 151 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:25,958 OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. 152 00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,995 WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED 153 00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:30,763 SINGER!" ANYWAY, WELCOME TO "THE LATE 154 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:34,000 SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 155 00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:38,004 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE AIDY BRYANT AND 156 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:41,974 COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE 157 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,477 YOU A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT HOT TREND IN CRIME. 158 00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:46,545 STICK AROUND. 159 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:22,948 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, 160 00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:31,824 FRIDAY NIGHT! IT JON, JON, JON. 161 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:34,126 JON, JON, JON. I'M READY FOR SPRING, MAN. 162 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,595 I AM READY FOR SPRING TO GET HERE. 163 00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:37,963 I'VE HAD IT WITH WINTER. >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH. 164 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,100 I'M READY FOR SPRING TO SPRING. >> Stephen: I LIKE THE 165 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:44,236 SPARKLES AROUND THE NECK, MAN. >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO 166 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:47,473 SHINE AND GLISTEN LIKE THE STAR YOU ARE. 167 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,775 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ♪ ♪ ♪ 168 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:54,013 >> Stephen: TONIGHT, MY FRIEND, WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE 169 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,416 TALENTED, THE WONDERFUL AIDY BRYANT FROM "S.N.L." IS GOING TO 170 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:00,719 BE HERE TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE ) 171 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:06,926 SUCH A LOVELY PERSON. FOLKS, I LOVE TO STAY ON TOP OF 172 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,727 ALL THE LATEST TECH TRENDS. IT'S ONE WAY TO AVOID MY 173 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:14,667 CHILDREN MAKING FUN OF ME. AND FOR A WHILE NOW, ONE OF THE 174 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,369 HOTTEST TECH TRENDS HAS BEEN N.F.T.s, OR NON-FUNGIBLE TOKENS. 175 00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:20,039 IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IN JUST ONE YEAR, WE'VE GONE FROM 176 00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:23,909 HAVING NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TO HAVING NO IDEA WHY THEY ARE. 177 00:12:23,976 --> 00:12:27,913 ( LAUGHTER ) N.F.T.s ARE DIGITAL ASSETS THAT 178 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,049 YOU CAN BUY, AND YOUR OWNERSHIP IS ENCODED IN A 179 00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:35,888 BLOCKCHAIN-ENCRYPTED PROOF OF PURCHASE. 180 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:37,389 THEN I THINK IF YOU COLLECT ENOUGH PROOF OF PURCHASES, YOU 181 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:38,657 CAN CUT THEM OUT, SEND THEM INTO KELLOGG'S, AND THEY'LL MAIL YOU 182 00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:40,926 A CEREAL BOWL SHAPED LIKE A BASEBALL CAP. 183 00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:46,699 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT UNDERSTAND THEM OR NOT, 184 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:50,669 N.F.T.s HAVE BECOME THE HOTTEST COMMODITY IN THE ART WORLD. 185 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:55,908 FOR INSTANCE, THIS N.F.T. OF A BORED APE IN A PROPELLER BEANIE 186 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:59,712 RECENTLY SOLD FOR $3.4 MILLION, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT ART 187 00:12:59,778 --> 00:13:01,547 COLLECTORS WANT. SORRY, VAN GOGH, MAYBE YOUR NEXT 188 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:07,887 SELF-PORTRAIT SHOULD ACCESSORIZE. 189 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:12,224 ( LAUGHTER ) MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR N.F.T.s. 190 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:18,597 THERE WAS THIS ONE THAT SOLD FOR $11.8 MILLION; THIS ONE, BOUGHT 191 00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:22,468 BY A GROUP OF INVESTORS FOR OVER 90 MILLION; AND THIS 192 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,270 ANIMATED ONE, BOUGHT FOR $3.8 MILLION, TITLED "SOME (BLEEP)." 193 00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:27,907 NAMED, OF COURSE, FOR WHOEVER BOUGHT IT. 194 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:31,110 WITH SO MUCH MONEY IN THE N.F.T. MARKET, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT 195 00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:37,383 IT'S ATTRACTED A NEW GENERATION OF ART THIEVES. 196 00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:38,851 RECENTLY, SCAMMERS STOLE $1.7 MILLION WORTH OF N.F.T.s. 197 00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:41,954 AND WITH N.F.T. THEFT ON THE RISE, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME 198 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,222 UNTIL HOLLYWOOD TURNS IT INTO A BLOCKBUSTER HEIST MOVIE. 199 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:51,830 AND THAT MATTER OF TIME IS NOW. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU 200 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:55,968 PROBABLY KNOW WHY I BROUGHT YOU HERE. 201 00:13:56,035 --> 00:14:02,675 YOU'RE THE PICASSOS STEALING PICASSOS, EACH WITH A UNIQUE 202 00:14:02,741 --> 00:14:06,111 SKILL-- DEMOLITIONS, SAFE CRACKING, DISGUISE, LADY WHO 203 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,715 SNEAKS UNDER LASERS, AND K-POP STAR TO BULK UP OUR 204 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,550 INTERNATIONAL BOX OFFICE. BUT STEALING PAINTINGS IS A 205 00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:16,956 THING OF THE PAST. THERE'S NO MONET IN MONET. 206 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,759 NO DOUGH IN VAN GOGH. WHAT THE ( BLEEP ). 207 00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:23,462 THESE DAYS, THE REAL MONEY IS ON THE INTERNET. 208 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:29,068 WE ARE GOING TO STEAL THE WORLD'S MOST-VALUABLE N.F.T. 209 00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:34,273 OF NONFUNGIBLE TOKENS, DIGITAL GRAPHICS LOCKED BEHIND 210 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:36,108 HIGH-SECURITY CRYPTOGRAPHY. >> IT'S LIKE AN EXPENSIVE 211 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,009 PICTURE ON THE COMPUTER? >> KIND OF. 212 00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:39,011 >> IT'S LIKE A GIFT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR. 213 00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:42,815 >> BASICALLY. >> LIKE A JPEG ANYONE CAN LOOK 214 00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:44,550 AT WHENEVER THEY WANT TO, ONE PERSON PAYS FOR IT. 215 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,719 >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME 216 00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:54,526 INTRODUCE YOU TO THE INTERNET'S MOST VALUABLE MASTERPIECE. 217 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:58,998 >> SO WHERE DO WE COME IN? >> DEMOLITION, SAFE CRACKER, 218 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:06,405 GOOGLE WHAT THE BLOCK CHAIN IS. KPOP, LASER ACROBAT. 219 00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:11,343 GO LISTEN TO SOME PODCAST. MEET YOUR NEWEST TEAM MEMBER, 220 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:19,885 THE WORLD'S TOP N.F.T. FORGER. RIGHT CLICK, COPY, AND PASTE. 221 00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,921 DONE. >> MY GOSH, IT'S AN EXACT COPY. 222 00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:26,525 >> $280 MILL FOR ONE LITTLE PICTURE, AND IT'S ABOUT TO BE 223 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:27,926 OURS. >> I'LL BE OVER HERE SHOWING 224 00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:29,094 THESE REM BRANTS. ANY LAST QUESTIONS? 225 00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:35,934 >> YEAH, I GUESS, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS ALL MEAN? 226 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,936 >> WE JUST-- >> I MEAN, WHAT DOES IT SAY 227 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:41,173 ABOUT US AS A SOCIETY? AND WHAT ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENTAL 228 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,341 COST? THE ENERGY CONSUMPTION. 229 00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:45,644 >> ALL RIGHT, STOP RIGHT THERE. ( LAUGHTER ) 230 00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:51,483 POSITION BETWEEN ACTIVE SUBVERSION AND STATUS SYMBOL 231 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:54,920 COLLECTED BY THOSE WHO PROFIT FROM THE VERY STATUS QUO THE ART 232 00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,722 PURPORTS TO SUBVERT. >> I HATE THIS! 233 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,857 IT'S LIKE HAVING TO LEARN THE METAVERSE ALL OVER AGAIN. 234 00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:06,565 >> ON FART BEAVER YOU CAN BUY DIFFERENT HATS. 235 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,534 EVERYBODY STAY CALM. DON'T THINK TOO MUCH, AND WE CAN 236 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,805 EACH WALK OUT OF HERE WITH MILLIONS 237 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:16,375 ( BELL RINGS ) SORRY. 238 00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,844 DAMN IT. BUBBLE BURST. 239 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,647 IT'S ALL WORTHLESS NOW. WAIT, HEY, HEY. 240 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,817 NOBODY LEAVE. WAIT, COME BACK. 241 00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:29,321 LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT DOGECOIN 242 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:30,389 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 243 00:16:49,007 --> 00:16:55,514 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN FOR SUCH A TREAT, BECAUSE 244 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:56,715 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM 245 00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,650 "SHRILL," "I FEEL PRETTY," AND "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 246 00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:04,623 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," AIDY BRYANT. 247 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:14,933 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 248 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:22,674 OH, WOW. >> Stephen: HELLO, AIDY 249 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:23,742 BRYANT. >> HELLO. 250 00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,011 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. >> SO NICE TO BE SEEN. 251 00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:28,580 >> Stephen: I HAVE VERY HAPPY FEELINGS WHEN I SEE YOU, BECAUSE 252 00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:31,417 THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU-- >> WOW. 253 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:33,051 >> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. 254 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:36,522 JIM? >> AND THE EMMY FOR VARIETY 255 00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:45,798 SPECIAL LIVE GOES TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S "ELECTION NIGHT 2020." 256 00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:49,768 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> ( BLEEP ). 257 00:17:49,835 --> 00:18:00,579 >> YES! ( APPLAUSE ) 258 00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:04,650 WOW. I HAVEN'T MET SOME OF THESE 259 00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:08,720 PEOPLE BEFORE. I HOPE THAT WAS ANY WAY NEAR AS 260 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:11,490 FUN FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS THINK OF 261 00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:14,359 YOU FONDLY NOW. >> OH, WOW I WISH I BROUGHT YOU 262 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,395 ANYTHING TONIGHT. I DIDN'T. 263 00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:19,798 NO, I MEAN, IT IS REALLY FUN. BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE GIVING 264 00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:21,633 SOMEONE SOMETHING THAT THEY MAYBE ARE EXCITED TO HAVE. 265 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,970 >> Stephen: IT'S GREAT TO PRESENT. 266 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,205 YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE A HAPPY MEMORY. 267 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,842 >> TOTALLY, BUT I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT RUINING SOMEONE'S SPECIAL 268 00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:37,816 MOMENT BY-- I WAS SCARED I WAS GOING TO BE LIKE, STE-FON 269 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:38,851 COPETE." >> Stephen: STILL AN HONOR. 270 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,253 >> GOOD, I'M GLAD. >> Stephen: WE HAVE SOMETHING 271 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,289 IN COMMON. WE BOTH STARTED OUT AT SECOND 272 00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:45,157 CITY. >> YEAH. 273 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,658 >> Stephen: IN CHICAGO. ( APPLAUSE ) 274 00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:50,128 >> KROWFD ALUMS. >> Stephen: MOST OF THE 275 00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,865 AUDIENCE IS FROM CHICAGO. >> WOW. 276 00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:56,201 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE THERE? 277 00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,837 BECAUSEESH HAS THEIR OWN SECOND CITY EXPERIENCE. 278 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:03,041 IT'S BEEN AROUND 60-PLUS YEARS. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT 279 00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:06,645 FOR ME IT WAS SUCH HEAVY PARTYING, I SHOULD HAVE DIED. 280 00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:11,450 ( LAUGHTER ) AND PARTIALLY BECAUSE IT WAS 281 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,753 JUST, LIKE, A PATTERN OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD DO YOUR 282 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,322 SHOWS ON THE STAGE, AND THEN YOU WOULD GO OUT TO A BAR -- 283 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,858 >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU DID THE IMPROV SET REALLY LATE. 284 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,827 >> SO LATE. >> Stephen: AND YOU'RE SO 285 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:26,899 JACKED UP FROM IMPROV. >> SO JACKED FROM IMPROV. 286 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,700 >> Stephen: THE ADRENALINE OF IT. 287 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:31,603 >> OF COURSE, BUT IT'S HUMILIATING TO ADMIT TO COOL 288 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,804 PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER ) 289 00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:37,276 JACKED, AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE I'M GOING TO GO TO THE BAR AND 290 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:40,746 CELEBRATE HOW I PLAYED A LADY IN A BIG HAT TONIGHT, OR WHATEVER. 291 00:19:40,812 --> 00:19:45,918 ( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, 4:00 IN THE MORNING, 292 00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:48,754 YOU'RE LIKE, WELL, WE'VE GOT TO GO OUT TO EAT, YOU KNOW. 293 00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:50,756 >> Stephen: SURE, WEINER CIRCLE. 294 00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:52,391 >> OF COURSE. AND THEN, BASICALLY, YOU'RE 295 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:56,194 DOING THAT EVERY DAY. WHICH IS NOT OKAY. 296 00:19:56,261 --> 00:20:00,666 AND I'VE TRIED TO, LIKE, RETURN AND GO-- LIKE, I DID A CHARITY 297 00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:03,201 SHOW, AND I WENT BACK WITH SOME OTHER OLD ALUMS. 298 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:07,072 >> Stephen: WITH THE YOUNG KIDS WHO ARE STILL UP ON STAGE 299 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:07,873 THERE. >> EXACTLY, EXACTLY. 300 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,074 I TRIED TO GO TO THE BARS WITH THEM. 301 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,610 LAST TIME, I CRANK SO MUCH THEY BLACKED OUT. 302 00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:13,045 >> Stephen: WOW. >> SCARY. 303 00:20:13,111 --> 00:20:15,080 >> Stephen: YEAH. ( LAUGHTER ) 304 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:24,323 I REALIZED, OH, I MUST HAVE SEEN THE TAMALE BAN BECAUSE I WAS 305 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,258 BARFING UP TAMALES. ( LAUGHTER ) 306 00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:33,265 I WAS LIKE A LITTLE DRUNK DETECTIVE. 307 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,500 >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN AND VULNERABLE 308 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,869 WITH US. >> I LOVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL ON 309 00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:39,071 CAMERA. I'M KNOWN FOR THIS. 310 00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:43,675 >> Stephen: SECOND CITY PEOPLE ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR DIGNITY 311 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,810 ABOVE ALL ELSE. >> ABSOLUTELY. 312 00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:46,912 >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU DID SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED 313 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:51,350 AFTER I LEFT THERE-- I WAS IN TOUR CO, FOR MANY YEARS, BUT WE 314 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,085 DIDN'T HAVE THE CRUISES BACK THEN. 315 00:20:53,151 --> 00:20:55,120 YOU ALL WOULD DO THE SECOND CITY CRUISE. 316 00:20:55,187 --> 00:21:01,193 WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, THEY WOULD LODE YOU ON TO A CARNIVAL CRUISE 317 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:03,362 BOAT, RIGHT? >> IT WAS NORWEGIAN. 318 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,364 WE DIDN'T MAKE IT UP TO CARNIVAL. 319 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,900 I DON'T KNOW, BASICALLY, IT WAS A FOUR-MONTH CONTRACT, SO YOU 320 00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,169 LIVE ON THE BOAT. >> Stephen: FOR FOUR MONTHS! 321 00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:13,005 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: IS THAT A 322 00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:18,210 PUNISHMENT TO BE ON A BOAT FOR FOUR MONTHS, OR IS IT THAT WAS 323 00:21:18,276 --> 00:21:19,411 GREAT? WAS IT YAY! 324 00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:23,448 >> I WAS DEFINITELY IN A ROOM WITH NO WINDOWS THAT WAS ABOUT 325 00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:26,952 TWO FEET WIDE, BUT I WAS BEING PAID, SO FOR ME I WAS LIKE,s, 326 00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:28,954 THIS ROCKS." >> Stephen: I FORGOT, WHEN 327 00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:31,423 YOU'RE YOUNG, THEY KEPT YOU HUNGRY THERE. 328 00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:33,025 >> TOTALLY. WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO. 329 00:21:33,091 --> 00:21:37,963 WE JUST DID A COUPLE OF SHOWS DURING THE WEEK, AND THEN THEY 330 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:41,933 DID HAVE US TEACH WORKSHOPS. SO WE WOULD, LIKE, TEACH IMPROV 331 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,702 TO KIDS. AND I WASN'T VERY GOOD AT THAT. 332 00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:48,874 SO I ALWAYS TRIED TO TEACH THE, LIKE, HISTORY OF SECOND CITY 333 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:50,008 WORKSHOP. AND IT WAS MOSTLY SHOWING PEOPLE 334 00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:52,678 ON THE BOAT CLIPS OF YOU. ( LAUGHTER ) 335 00:21:52,744 --> 00:21:55,280 >> YES. >> Stephen: LIKE THE SHOW? 336 00:21:55,347 --> 00:22:00,419 >> LIKE OLD SECOND CITY CLIPS OF YOU SINGING WITH PAUL DINELO, 337 00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,954 AND YOUR OLD SECOND CITY PALS. >> Stephen: THOSE VIDEOS ARE 338 00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:04,289 TERRIBLE. >> THE QUALITY'S NOT GOOD. 339 00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:07,626 AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN A BALLROOM ON A SHIP, WHICH IS-- 340 00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:11,029 AND PEOPLE ARE GOING, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" 341 00:22:11,096 --> 00:22:14,700 ( LAUGHTER ) WEEK, PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "SO 342 00:22:14,766 --> 00:22:17,469 YOU KNOW HIM?" I WOULD SAY, "NO, I LIVE ON THE 343 00:22:17,536 --> 00:22:18,403 SHIP." YOU KNOW. 344 00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:21,673 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I KNOW NO ONE. 345 00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:26,244 >> NOW I THINK IT'S GOOD BECAUSE IF THEY WERE EVER TO TAKE ME TO 346 00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:28,780 COURT OR SOMETHING, I WOULD GO, I DO KIND OF KNOW HIM. 347 00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,249 >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU LIVE IN CHICAGO? 348 00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:34,753 >> SEVEN YEARS. >> Stephen: WHAT YEARS WERE 349 00:22:34,820 --> 00:22:37,255 THOSE? >> WE'RE TALKING 2005 PLUS TO 7. 350 00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:39,324 >> Stephen: SURE. >> AROUND -- 351 00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:42,394 >> Stephen: THAT'S TOO HIGH. DON'T-- WE'LL DO THE REST. 352 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:43,729 WE'LL HAVE THE TEAM DO THE REST OF THAT WORK. 353 00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:47,099 >> I GOT HIRED TO "S.N.L." IN 2012. 354 00:22:47,165 --> 00:22:48,300 >> Stephen: OKAY, YEAH. >> SO AROUND THERE. 355 00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:53,338 >> Stephen: THAT RESTAURANT THEY WORKED AT FOR FIVE YEARS 356 00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:57,976 WAS STILL THERE. YOU'RE GOING TO SKUZ ZY. 357 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:02,714 IT WAS AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT WITH A GIANT TOMATO OUT FRONT. 358 00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:04,683 DID YOU WAIT? >> I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WAITING 359 00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:08,987 TABLES, BUT INSTEAD I WAS WORKING ON A BARBER SHOP 360 00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,490 ANSWERING PHONES AND FOLDING TOWELS, SWEEPING UP HAIR. 361 00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:14,192 SO MUCH HAIR. >> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE 362 00:23:14,259 --> 00:23:16,328 THAT PAYS VERY WELL. >> NO, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT IT 363 00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:18,730 DID, NO. ( LAUGHTER ) 364 00:23:18,797 --> 00:23:26,938 SAY-- THEY WERE PRETTY FLEXIBLE WILL WITH OUR HOURS. 365 00:23:27,005 --> 00:23:28,173 SO WHEN I WOULD SAY, "I CAN ONLY WORK THREE HOURS BECAUSE I NEED 366 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,943 TO GET IN A VAN TO GO TO INDIANA TO PERFORM IMPROV FOR PEOPLE 367 00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:33,912 EATING CHICKEN TENDERS," THEY WOULD SAY, "SURE." 368 00:23:33,979 --> 00:23:36,515 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME 369 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,851 BACK I WILL ASK AIDY ABOUT HOW SHE GOT HER JOB AT "SATURDAY 370 00:23:39,918 --> 00:23:41,920 NIGHT LIVE." STICK AROUND. 371 00:23:50,028 --> 00:23:51,763 JUST-- WE WERE JUST-- HEY, EVERYBODY. 372 00:23:51,830 --> 00:23:56,501 WE'RE BACK WITH AIDY BRYANT. YOU'RE IN YOUR TENTH SEASON AT 373 00:23:56,568 --> 00:23:58,603 "S.N.L." >> YEAH. 374 00:23:58,670 --> 00:23:59,604 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: AND YOU KNOT 375 00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:01,940 HIRED-- >> THANK YOU! 376 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,577 >> Stephen: YOU GOT HIRED WHEN YOU WERE 25, YOU GOT HIRED WHEN 377 00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:06,678 YOU WERE 25. >> YES. 378 00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:08,513 >> Stephen: I ACTUALLY AUDITIONED FOR THE FIRST TIME 379 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:10,148 WHEN I WAS 25. >> WOW! 380 00:24:10,215 --> 00:24:13,351 >> Stephen: AND I DID NOT GET HIRED, AND I'M NOT BITTER. 381 00:24:13,418 --> 00:24:16,188 I'M CURIOUS, WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST MEETING WITH LORNE LIKE? 382 00:24:16,254 --> 00:24:19,658 >> I ACTUALLY MET HIM AT SECOND CITY FOR THE FIRST TIME. 383 00:24:19,724 --> 00:24:22,027 AND IT'S VERY WEIRD. YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE YOUR SHOW 384 00:24:22,093 --> 00:24:23,662 AND YOU PERFORM YOUR SHOW AT SECOND CITY. 385 00:24:23,728 --> 00:24:26,598 SO THE OPENING NIGHT OF OUR-- MY SECOND SHOW -- 386 00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:30,202 >> Stephen: MAIN STAGE? >> WELL, I NEVER MADE IT TO MAIN 387 00:24:30,268 --> 00:24:31,536 STAGE, BUT THANK YOU FOR HURTING ME HERE. 388 00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:35,006 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT WILL WORK OUT. 389 00:24:35,073 --> 00:24:38,877 IT'S GOING TO WORK OUT FOR YOU. >> I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. 390 00:24:38,944 --> 00:24:41,446 THEY SAID I WASN'T MAIN MATERIAL. 391 00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:42,814 I WAS ON THE E.T.C. STAGE, WHICH I LOVED. 392 00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:45,183 >> Stephen: QUALITY, SURE. >> AND SO IT WAS OPENING NIGHT 393 00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:49,154 OF OUR BIG SHOW, AND THEY WERE LIKE, OKAY, CONGRATS, EVERYONE, 394 00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:54,526 OPENING NIGHT OF YOUR SHOW. F.Y.I., LORNE MICHAELS AND ALL 395 00:24:54,593 --> 00:24:57,629 THE "S.N.L." PRODUCERS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE." 396 00:24:57,696 --> 00:25:02,534 AND SO THEN WE DID THE SHOW, AND AFTERWARDS, HE CAME BACKSTAGE, 397 00:25:02,601 --> 00:25:06,905 AND WE WERE KIND OF CHIT-CHATTING, AND HE WAS SUPER 398 00:25:06,972 --> 00:25:09,608 NICE, MET EVERYONE, AND HE WAS LIKE, IT'S YOUR OPENING NIGHT." 399 00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:12,577 AND WE HAD DID A PREVIEW FOR THE PRESS. 400 00:25:12,644 --> 00:25:13,912 HE SAID, "HOW ARE THE REVIEWS?" I SAID I'M TOO SCARED TO READ 401 00:25:13,979 --> 00:25:16,047 EITHER. THAT WAS MY FIRST LITTLE MOMENT 402 00:25:16,114 --> 00:25:18,116 WITH THEM. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW 403 00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:25,924 STARRING IN A SHOW "HUMAN RESOURCES," WHICH IS A SPIN-OFF 404 00:25:25,991 --> 00:25:29,828 OF THE GREAT SHOW "BIG MOUTH," THE ANIMATED NETFLIX SHOW ABOUT 405 00:25:29,895 --> 00:25:33,064 GOING THROUGH PUBERTY. WHAT IS THE NEW SHOW ABOUT, AND 406 00:25:33,131 --> 00:25:34,766 ARE THERE HORMONE MONSTERS IN THIS SHOW? 407 00:25:34,833 --> 00:25:40,171 >> YES, SO ON "BIG MOUTH" THE HORMONE MONSTERS HELP THESE 408 00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:43,241 CHILDREN NAVIGATE PUBERTY. "HUMAN RESOURCES" IS BASICALLY 409 00:25:43,308 --> 00:25:48,480 ABOUT THE LIVES OF THOSE HORMONE MONSTERS AND SORT OF THEIR 410 00:25:48,546 --> 00:25:50,482 CORPORATE WORKPLACE, YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: IT'S AN OFFICE 411 00:25:50,548 --> 00:25:53,385 COMEDY, BUT WITH HORMONE MONSTERS. 412 00:25:53,451 --> 00:25:54,753 >> THAT'S RIGHT. SO THERE'S A LOT OF NASTY TALK 413 00:25:54,819 --> 00:25:57,589 IN THE OFFICE. AND THERE'S ALL KIND OF-- YOU 414 00:25:57,656 --> 00:26:00,558 KNOW, THERE'S AN ANXIETY MOSQUITO. 415 00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:02,594 I PLAY A LOVE BUG, WHICH IS KIND OF NICE. 416 00:26:02,661 --> 00:26:05,764 AND, YEAH, WE ALL KIND OF WORK TOGETHER TO HELP ADULT PROBLEMS 417 00:26:05,830 --> 00:26:08,800 AS OPPOSED TO THE KID PROBLEMS ON "BIG MOUTH." 418 00:26:08,867 --> 00:26:11,303 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED IN AN OFFICE. 419 00:26:11,369 --> 00:26:14,906 >> WEIRDLY, "S.N.L." WAS MY FIRST OFFICE JOB, BECAUSE IT IS 420 00:26:14,973 --> 00:26:17,475 LIKE-- IT'S -- >> Stephen: 30 ROCK IS AN 421 00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:19,010 OFFICE BUILDING. >> AND THEY HAVE DESKS AND 422 00:26:19,077 --> 00:26:20,845 COMPUTERS. ( LAUGHTER ) 423 00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:27,419 >> Stephen: SURE. >> I TAKE H.R. CLASSES THERE. 424 00:26:27,485 --> 00:26:28,820 >> Stephen: RESPECTFUL WORKPLACE TRAINING. 425 00:26:28,887 --> 00:26:33,291 >> NO, I THINK THEY CALL THEM,s, H.R. CLASSES." 426 00:26:33,358 --> 00:26:34,793 NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. 427 00:26:34,859 --> 00:26:38,563 >> YEAH, THAT WAS MY FIRST REAL OFFICE JOB, BECAUSE, OTHERWISE I 428 00:26:38,630 --> 00:26:43,935 WAS SWEEPING HAIR IN THE BARBER SHOP. 429 00:26:44,002 --> 00:26:45,737 ( LAUGHTER ). THIS CLIP, AIDY? 430 00:26:45,804 --> 00:26:49,441 >> WELL, I THINK IN THIS CLIP MY CHARACTER IS-- I WOULD CALL HER 431 00:26:49,507 --> 00:26:53,144 SORT OF A DRUNK PROBLEM MESS. AND SO -- 432 00:26:53,211 --> 00:26:55,747 >> Stephen: THE LOVE BUG. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 433 00:26:55,814 --> 00:26:59,184 BUT SHE'S JUST STARTED WORKING AND TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE. 434 00:26:59,250 --> 00:27:03,688 SO SHE'S KIND OF TALKING TO HER BOSS ABOUT HOW SHE NEEDS TO 435 00:27:03,755 --> 00:27:04,823 FOCUS. >> Stephen: JIM. 436 00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:08,326 >> YOUR NOTES ARE CRAP. YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME DOING 437 00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:09,861 IMITATIONS. >> IMPRESSIONS. 438 00:27:09,928 --> 00:27:11,896 >> TAKING SURVEYS. >> BUT EVERYONE LOVES MY "WOULD 439 00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:14,866 YOU RATHER" BOARD! IT MAKES THEM WANT TO COME TO 440 00:27:14,933 --> 00:27:16,735 WORK. >> WORK SHOULD MAKE PEOPLE WANT 441 00:27:16,801 --> 00:27:18,903 TO COME TO WORK! >> YEAR, BUT IT DOESN'T. 442 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:22,307 >> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- DO YOU EVEN WANT TO BE A 443 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,576 PROFESSIONAL LOVE BUG? >> I GUESS? 444 00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:29,681 BUT HONESTLY, AS LONG AS I CAN STILL AFFORD MY NIGHTLY PIZZA 445 00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:32,617 BURRITO WITH MY FRIENDS. >> SHUT UP! 446 00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:36,054 WHAT WE DO HERE IS IMPORTANT. IT'S NOT SOME JOB IS THAT EXISTS 447 00:27:36,121 --> 00:27:40,125 TO PAY FOR WHATEVER A PIZZA BURRITO IS. 448 00:27:40,191 --> 00:27:43,928 >> PIZZA BURRITOS ARE SO GOOD. >> OH, MY GOD! 449 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:47,465 I DON'T CARE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 450 00:27:47,532 --> 00:27:52,837 >> Stephen: AIDY IT WAS SO LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON. 451 00:27:52,904 --> 00:27:53,972 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "HUMAN RESOURCES" 452 00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:56,307 PREMIERES MARCH 18 ON NETFLIX. AIDY BRYANT, EVERYBODY. 453 00:27:56,374 --> 00:27:58,109 WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE. 454 00:28:09,954 --> 00:28:13,024 ( APPLAUSE ). "THE LATE SHOW." 455 00:28:13,091 --> 00:28:20,899 YOU KNOW, FOLKS... BEING ON THE TV HERE, THERE ARE 456 00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:24,636 SO MANY QUESTIONS PEOPLE WANT TO ASK ME, THINGS LIKE, "WHERE WERE 457 00:28:24,702 --> 00:28:28,673 YOU ON THE NIGHT OF FEBRUARY 19?" 458 00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:29,874 AND, "COULD YOU COME WITH US DOWN TO THE STATION, PLEASE?" 459 00:28:29,941 --> 00:28:32,944 FANS. THE THING IS, EVERY NIGHT BEFORE 460 00:28:33,011 --> 00:28:34,646 THE SHOW, I DO GIVE MEMBERS OF MY STUDIO AUDIENCE A CHANCE TO 461 00:28:34,712 --> 00:28:38,383 GET TO KNOW ME BY ASKING ANYTHING THEY WANT AND ANSWERING 462 00:28:38,450 --> 00:28:40,452 ONLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE. ( LAUGHTER ) 463 00:28:40,518 --> 00:28:46,624 TOGETHER AND SHARE THEM WITH YOU. 464 00:28:46,691 --> 00:28:51,763 TONIGHT IS ONE OF THOSE OFTENS: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 465 00:28:51,830 --> 00:28:54,065 YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE IN THE THIRD ROW. 466 00:28:54,132 --> 00:28:55,667 >> I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT. 467 00:28:55,733 --> 00:28:56,768 >> Stephen: OKAY, SURE. I WOULDN'T MIND THAT, EITHER. 468 00:28:56,835 --> 00:29:01,072 MY NAME'S STEPHEN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 469 00:29:01,139 --> 00:29:09,581 >> WHAT'S THE WORST AND THE BEST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER MADE? 470 00:29:09,647 --> 00:29:11,749 >> Stephen: UM, I LIKE BOATS. AND THAT'S BOTH THE WORST AND 471 00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:14,486 THE BEST PURCHASE YOU CAN MAKE. ( LAUGHTER ) 472 00:29:14,552 --> 00:29:16,621 IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN I'M ON IT. 473 00:29:16,688 --> 00:29:20,892 I GET OFFSHORE ABOUT TEN MILES, AND I DON'T HAVE A CARE IN THE 474 00:29:20,959 --> 00:29:22,293 WORLD. IT'S, LIKE, BETTER THAN ANY 475 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,897 DRUG. THE TUG-- I LOVE TO FISH, AND, 476 00:29:25,964 --> 00:29:27,132 AS WE SAY, THE TUG IS THE DRUG-- THE TUG OF THAT FISH. 477 00:29:27,198 --> 00:29:28,233 THAT'S WHAT I REALLY LIKE. WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE? 478 00:29:28,299 --> 00:29:31,903 WHAT'S GOING ON? DO YOU NEED ME? 479 00:29:31,970 --> 00:29:33,671 >> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOUR BEST PURCHASE. 480 00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:38,810 >> Stephen: WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. 481 00:29:38,877 --> 00:29:40,912 LIKE WHAT-- SORT OF THINGS DO PEOPLE PURCHASE? 482 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:45,049 WHAT? EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING. 483 00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:46,251 >> Stephen: EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING? 484 00:29:46,317 --> 00:29:47,719 THAT WAS OKAY. I SAW YOU FIRST RIGHT OVER THERE 485 00:29:47,785 --> 00:29:52,857 OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE. HELLO. 486 00:29:52,924 --> 00:29:55,260 >> OKAY, AT THE EMMY'S, MINDY KALING CALLED YOU "A MESSY 487 00:29:55,326 --> 00:29:56,294 BITCH." DO YOU IDENTIFY AS A MESSY 488 00:29:56,361 --> 00:29:57,295 BITCH? >> Stephen: DO I IDENTIFY AS A 489 00:29:57,362 --> 00:29:59,697 MESSY BITCH? YES, AND IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW 490 00:29:59,764 --> 00:30:01,065 ONE. ( LAUGHTER ) 491 00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:08,840 UH, YES, RIGHT BACK THERE. >> DO WE HAVE FREE WILL, STEPHEN 492 00:30:08,907 --> 00:30:12,844 COLBERT? ( LAUGHTER ) 493 00:30:12,911 --> 00:30:16,314 THING-- I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ASK THAT. 494 00:30:16,381 --> 00:30:19,417 ( LAUGHTER ) YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE. 495 00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:23,488 HOW CAN I HELP YOU? >> WELL... 496 00:30:23,555 --> 00:30:31,029 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT 497 00:30:31,095 --> 00:30:32,163 OUT-- I WANT TO POINT OUT SOMEBODY RAISED YOU RIGHT. 498 00:30:32,230 --> 00:30:34,532 YOU STOOD UP TO ASK YOUR QUESTION. 499 00:30:34,599 --> 00:30:37,869 WHAT-- HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM? 500 00:30:37,936 --> 00:30:40,371 >> I STAY UP EVERY NIGHT LISTENING TO YOU. 501 00:30:40,438 --> 00:30:41,739 I THINK YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. 502 00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:46,778 >> Stephen: OH. >> AND I FIGURED ALL THESE 503 00:30:46,844 --> 00:30:52,016 PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL. 504 00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,685 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IS THIS AN 505 00:30:53,751 --> 00:31:00,858 INFLATABLE DOLL? ( LAUGHTER ) 506 00:31:00,925 --> 00:31:05,730 I WANT TO HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE A STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL. 507 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:08,833 >> Stephen: LET ME SEE THIS. THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS 508 00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:12,837 PRESENT OF ALL TIME. ( APPLAUSE ) 509 00:31:12,904 --> 00:31:17,775 THANK YOU! >> COULD I GIVE YOU MY NAME AND 510 00:31:17,842 --> 00:31:20,845 ADDRESS? >> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU CAN. 511 00:31:20,912 --> 00:31:23,748 OF COURSE YOU CAN. AND THEY SAY COMEDIANS DON'T GET 512 00:31:23,815 --> 00:31:29,821 GROUPIES. UH, YES RIGHT THERE. 513 00:31:29,887 --> 00:31:32,790 >> SO, YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED A LOT OF PRESIDENTS BEFORE, AND I 514 00:31:32,857 --> 00:31:35,760 WANTED TO ASK YOU IF ANY OF THEM TOLD YOU THAT ALIENS WERE REAL. 515 00:31:35,827 --> 00:31:38,563 ( LAUGHTER ) I ASKED OBAMA! 516 00:31:38,630 --> 00:31:40,231 I ASKED OBAMA IF ALIENS WERE REAL. 517 00:31:40,298 --> 00:31:41,633 WHAT DID HE SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY? 518 00:31:41,699 --> 00:31:44,869 HE SAID HE WOULDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION. 519 00:31:44,936 --> 00:31:47,705 I SAID "WELL, THAT'S A YES." ( LAUGHTER ) 520 00:31:47,772 --> 00:31:51,175 THE OTHER DAY. WAS IT JUST, LIKE-- WAS IT JUST, 521 00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:59,651 LIKE, A YEAR AGO THAT WE GOT THE REPORT? 522 00:31:59,717 --> 00:32:00,852 AND THEN PEOPLE, LIKE MEMBERS OF THE SECRETARY OF THE NAVY OR 523 00:32:00,918 --> 00:32:02,020 SOMETHING, WENT ON-- ON "60 MINUTES" AND SAID, "YEAH IT'S 524 00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,856 REAL." AND WE'RE ALL JUST GOING ON WITH 525 00:32:04,922 --> 00:32:08,092 OUR LIVES. HOW ARE WE JUST GOING ON WITH 526 00:32:08,159 --> 00:32:09,227 OUR LIVES WHEN WE KNOW THAT THERE ARE REAL U.F.O.s OUT 527 00:32:09,294 --> 00:32:11,729 THERE? I THINK THEY'RE SOFTENING UP THE 528 00:32:11,796 --> 00:32:14,899 BEACH. THEY'RE LIKE "OKAY, THEY HANDLED 529 00:32:14,966 --> 00:32:17,302 THE VIDEO AND THE PROOF PRETTY WELL. 530 00:32:17,368 --> 00:32:19,237 NOW LET'S LET THEM KNOW THAT THERE ARE ALIENS." 531 00:32:19,304 --> 00:32:20,838 BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT. 532 00:32:20,905 --> 00:32:22,140 >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU FREAK OUT? 533 00:32:22,206 --> 00:32:24,108 WOULD YOU FREAK OUT IF YOU FOUND OUT THERE WERE ALIENS? 534 00:32:24,175 --> 00:32:26,844 >> Jon: I'D FREAK OUT AND THEN I'D TRY TO MEET 'EM. 535 00:32:26,911 --> 00:32:30,815 ( LAUGHTER ) FREAK OR DE-FREAK IT? 536 00:32:30,882 --> 00:32:32,850 >> Jon: JUST TO GET TO KNOW 'EM BETTER, YOU KNOW? 537 00:32:32,917 --> 00:32:35,853 >> Stephen: YEAH. JUST SAY TO THEM, LIKE, "I WANT 538 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,422 TO GET TO KNOW YOU, MR. ALIEN. WHAT'S THE BEST PURCHASE AND THE 539 00:32:37,488 --> 00:32:40,425 WORST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER MADE?" 540 00:32:40,491 --> 00:32:42,493 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 541 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,120 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN, WRITER, 542 00:33:09,187 --> 00:33:10,221 AND ACTOR. HIS FIRST OFF-BROADWAY SHOW, 543 00:33:10,288 --> 00:33:15,927 "JUST FOR US" IS A "NEW YORK TIMES" CRITIC'S PICK. 544 00:33:15,993 --> 00:33:19,931 PLEASE WELCOME ALEX EDELMAN. ♪ ♪ ♪ 545 00:33:19,997 --> 00:33:23,501 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GOD! 546 00:33:23,568 --> 00:33:33,745 OWOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH. 547 00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:37,949 ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 548 00:33:38,015 --> 00:33:41,052 I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY, A LITTLE, AND THEN I'LL LEAVE 549 00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:43,421 YOU ALONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAD. 550 00:33:43,488 --> 00:33:48,693 MY DAD'S A REAL SMART GUY. MY DAD TEACHES AT M.I.T. 551 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:53,131 HE'S A CARDIOLOGIST AT A HOSPITAL IN BOSTON CALLED 552 00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,832 BRIGHAMS. HE DESIGNS ARTIFICIAL HEARTS. 553 00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:58,202 AND BECAUSE OF THE ARTIFICIAL HEART DESIGN, IN 2010, HE ALMOST 554 00:33:58,269 --> 00:34:01,005 WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR MEDICINE. 555 00:34:01,072 --> 00:34:05,143 ( APPLAUSE ) AND IF YOU TALK TO MY MOM, YOU'D 556 00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:08,613 THINK SHE'S MARRIED TO THE DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH WHO'S 557 00:34:08,679 --> 00:34:12,717 EVER LIVED! YOU'D WALK OUT OF A CONVERSATION 558 00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:16,621 WITH CHERYL EDELMAN, AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW MUCH 559 00:34:16,687 --> 00:34:21,058 ABOUT THAT LADY, BUT HER HUSBAND... 560 00:34:21,125 --> 00:34:22,326 ILLITERATE." ( LAUGHTER ). 561 00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:26,964 START OF THE PANDEMIC, AND OUT OF NOWHERE, WE'RE EATING DINNER, 562 00:34:27,031 --> 00:34:31,536 MY DAD GOES, "ALEX." "YEAH, DAD? 563 00:34:31,602 --> 00:34:34,038 IS? "DO YOU WANT TO SEE AN 564 00:34:34,105 --> 00:34:35,573 ARTIFICIAL HEART?" "YES, PLEASE." 565 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:39,577 FOR A SECOND I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE, LOOK." 566 00:34:39,644 --> 00:34:44,148 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE KIND OF WEIRDO HE 567 00:34:44,215 --> 00:34:46,184 IS. HE GOES, "OKAY, I'LL GO OUT TO 568 00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:49,654 THE CAR." MY DAD'S JUST GOT A TRUNK FULL 569 00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:54,025 OF HEARTS, LIKE, THE SADDEST COUNTRY MUSIC SONG OF ALL TIME. 570 00:34:54,091 --> 00:34:58,629 THE MAN HAS A TRUNK FULL OF HEHEARTS AND HE GOES OUT TO THE 571 00:34:58,696 --> 00:35:02,133 CAR AND GETS A CARDBOARD BOX OUT OF THE TRUNK-- I WATCH HIM 572 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,803 THROUGH THE WINDOW-- AND HE COMES BACK WITH A BOX AND PULLS 573 00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:09,240 OUT A HEART AND IT'S GORGEOUS. IT'S CHROME, IT'S PLASTIC, IT 574 00:35:09,307 --> 00:35:10,908 LOOKS LIKE A HEART. I GO, "DAD, THIS IS SO COOL." 575 00:35:10,975 --> 00:35:15,913 AND MY MOM, WITHOUT LOOKING UP FROM HER "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, JUST 576 00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:19,083 WENT, "TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH. HE'S BEEN WORKING ON THAT CRAP 577 00:35:19,150 --> 00:35:20,952 FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS." ( LAUGHTER ) 578 00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:31,329 AND I SAID, "YEAH, MOM, BUT IT'S PRETTY COOL, RIGHT? 579 00:35:31,395 --> 00:35:33,498 BECAUSE IT'S AN ARTIFICIAL HEART?" 580 00:35:33,564 --> 00:35:38,769 AND SHE JUST WENT, "I GREW YOUR HEART INSIDE ME IN NINE FREAKING 581 00:35:38,836 --> 00:35:41,072 MONTHS." ( APPLAUSE ) 582 00:35:41,138 --> 00:35:45,476 BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE LADY AT THE END OF THE TABLE WAS BORN 583 00:35:45,543 --> 00:35:49,280 WITHOUT ONE." "IS THAT WHY YOU MAKE THEM? 584 00:35:49,347 --> 00:35:52,316 YOU'RE LOOK FOR A HUG AT SOME POINT?" 585 00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:56,854 EVERY WIFE THINKS THEIR HUSBAND IS THE DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH 586 00:35:56,921 --> 00:35:58,956 WHO'S EVER LIVED. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY ARE. 587 00:35:59,023 --> 00:36:02,527 LIKE, YOU EVER SEE MICHELLE OBAMA INTERVIEWED ABOUT BARACK? 588 00:36:02,593 --> 00:36:04,962 THE INTERVIEWER IS LIKE, "HE'S AMAZING." 589 00:36:05,029 --> 00:36:10,768 AND SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S FINE." ( LAUGHTER ) 590 00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:16,274 JESUS TURNING WATER INTO WINE, AND MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE, "YEAH, 591 00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:21,579 BUT IT'S A ROSE, ISN'T IT?" ( APPLAUSE ) 592 00:36:21,646 --> 00:36:28,986 WE WENT TO THIS MUSEUM RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT. 593 00:36:29,053 --> 00:36:33,958 WENT TO THIS MUSEUM IN BOSTON, AND MY DAD PARKED TOO FAR AWAY 594 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:37,228 FROM THE MUSEUM. AND EVERY PARKING SPOT WE PASSED 595 00:36:37,295 --> 00:36:42,166 THAT WAS OPEN BETWEEN THERE AND THE MUSEUM, MY MOM PUT ON AN 596 00:36:42,233 --> 00:36:44,235 ORIGINAL PRODUCTION OF "MACBETH." 597 00:36:44,302 --> 00:36:48,773 SHE WAS LIKE, "WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE! 598 00:36:48,839 --> 00:36:51,976 WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE." AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SAID, 599 00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,712 "YOU'RE A MORON." I SAID HE'S NOT A MORON. 600 00:36:54,779 --> 00:36:58,382 HE ALMOST WON THE NOBEL PRIZE." AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, SHE 601 00:36:58,449 --> 00:37:04,956 GOES, "NOT FOR PARKING!" ( APPLAUSE ) 602 00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:10,895 PERSON IN MY FAMILY. MY BROTHER, 5678D J.-- THIS IS 603 00:37:10,962 --> 00:37:12,797 TRUE. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. 604 00:37:12,863 --> 00:37:17,134 #-R MY BROTHER-- I MEAN, LIKE, IT IS EVENTUALLY. 605 00:37:17,201 --> 00:37:21,739 LIKE A.J. QUALIFIED FOR THE 2018 WINTER OLYMPICS FOR ISRAEL. 606 00:37:21,806 --> 00:37:25,276 AND WHEN PEOPLE FIND THAT OUT, THEY ASK ME A TON OF QUESTIONS. 607 00:37:25,343 --> 00:37:29,280 THEY'RE LIKE, YOUR BROTHER?" "YES." 608 00:37:29,347 --> 00:37:32,116 "YOUR BROTHER?" "YES." 609 00:37:32,183 --> 00:37:36,754 "YOUR BROTHER IS AN OLYMPIAN." "YES, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, TURNS 610 00:37:36,821 --> 00:37:43,060 OUT IT'S NURTURE." ( APPLAUSE ) 611 00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:49,066 YEAH,s FOR ISRAEL, I KNOW. THE WINTER OLYMPICS. 612 00:37:49,133 --> 00:37:53,004 YES. DOES ISRAEL HAVE AN WINTER. 613 00:37:53,070 --> 00:37:58,909 NO, HE HAD TO TRAIN IN GERMANY, THE IRONY TO END ALL IRONY. 614 00:37:58,976 --> 00:38:02,346 A.J.'S SPORT IS SKELETON, WHICH IS LIKE LUGE-- I SHOULD DO THIS 615 00:38:02,413 --> 00:38:06,150 BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE ON TV. WHAT A HERO, A TREMENDOUS 616 00:38:06,217 --> 00:38:08,953 ACCOMPLISHMENT. WE'RE SO PROUD OF HIM. 617 00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:11,489 OKAY. ( APPLAUSE ) 618 00:38:11,555 --> 00:38:14,358 WONDERFUL. SKELETON IS THE DUMBEST SPORT 619 00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:18,262 YOU COULD POSSIBLY CONCEIVE OF. IT'S HARDLY-- HERE'S HOW DUMB 620 00:38:18,329 --> 00:38:22,667 THE SPORT IS. I WENT TO GO SEE A.J.REQUESTS 621 00:38:22,733 --> 00:38:29,740 PERSPECTIVE IN LAKE PLACID. A GUY CRASHED AT THE TOP OF THE 622 00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:33,277 RUN AND THE SLED WENT DOWN WITHOUT HIM, AND THE SLED ON ITS 623 00:38:33,344 --> 00:38:37,748 OWN FINISHED IN FOURTH PLACE. AND I THINK ABOUT THAT, LIKE, 624 00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:40,718 ONCE A MONTH BECAUSE OCCASIONALLY MY BROTHER WILL BE 625 00:38:40,785 --> 00:38:44,555 LIKE, "IT'S A SKILL SPORT." AND I'M LIKE, "IT'S GRAVITY, 626 00:38:44,622 --> 00:38:46,657 A.J. A CORPSE AND SOME DUCT TAPE 627 00:38:46,724 --> 00:38:50,194 WOULD MEDAL IN THIS EVENT! THE ANNOUNCER, BOB COSTAS, WOULD 628 00:38:50,261 --> 00:38:57,068 BE LIKE, WOW, LOOK AT SIMMONS KEEPING HIS SHOULDERS SO STILL 629 00:38:57,134 --> 00:39:01,105 IN THOSE CORNERS. ALSO, I HAD NO FAITH IN HIM, 630 00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:03,007 NONE. WHENEVER THEY INTERVIEW ATHLETE 631 00:39:03,074 --> 00:39:05,242 FAMILIES, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "WE KNEW THAT TOM WAS SPECIAL. 632 00:39:05,309 --> 00:39:09,714 WE KNEW THAT HE WOULD WIN A MILLION SUPER BOWLS, BECAUSE 633 00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:13,017 SOME TRANSCENDENT QUARTERBACK." THERE WAS NONE OF THAT MY NMY 634 00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:14,885 HOUSE FOR MY ISRAELI OLYMPIAN. I MADE FUN OF A.J. EVERY SINGLE 635 00:39:14,952 --> 00:39:19,924 DAY. I CALLED HIM THE "FROZEN CHOSEN" 636 00:39:19,990 --> 00:39:22,893 FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS IN A ROW. AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, "STOP 637 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,263 CALLING HIM THAT." THIS WILL BE A TOO JEWISH FOR 638 00:39:26,330 --> 00:39:31,168 SOME OF YOU, BUT I SWITCHED OVER TO SCHUL RUNNINGS, AND I'M SO 639 00:39:31,235 --> 00:39:34,939 PROUD OF THAT. WE'RE AT THE OLYMPICS. 640 00:39:35,005 --> 00:39:39,810 WE'RE IN CORIA SITTING ON THIS BUS IN THE OLYMPIC VENUE, AND 641 00:39:39,877 --> 00:39:45,015 THERE IS AN ISRAELI REPORTER INTERVIEWING A.J. 642 00:39:45,082 --> 00:39:48,986 "WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING TO BE AN 643 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:52,890 OLYMPIAN." AND A.J., SAID "NO ONE WAS MORE 644 00:39:52,957 --> 00:39:55,092 SURPRISED THAN I WAS." AND OUT LOUD ON ISRAELI 645 00:39:55,159 --> 00:39:57,795 TELEVISION I JUST WENT, "THAT'S NOT TRUE." 646 00:39:57,862 --> 00:40:00,397 GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 647 00:40:00,464 --> 00:40:06,137 THIS IS WHAT A DREAM. ( APPLAUSE ) 648 00:40:06,203 --> 00:40:08,038 SHOW "JUST FOR US" AT THE SOHO PLAYHOUSE FROM MARCH 14 649 00:40:08,105 --> 00:40:09,940 THROUGH APRIL 23. GO TO www.justforusshow.com FOR 650 00:40:10,007 --> 00:40:13,978 TICKETS. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 651 00:40:14,044 --> 00:40:17,982 TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY SANDRA BULLOCK, ANNE 652 00:40:18,048 --> 00:40:20,050 HATHAWAY, AND MICHAEL BUBLEÉ. GOOD NIGHT.