>> GOOGLE SAYING IT WILL END THE VOLUNTARY WORK-FROM-HOME PERIOD
AND HAVE EMPLOYEES IN THE BAY AREA AND SEVERAL OTHER U.S.
LOCATIONS RETURN TO THE OFFICE STARTING THE WEEK OF APRIL 4.
>> APPLE SETS APRIL 11 AS A RETURN TO OFFICE FOR THEIR
EMPLOYEES. >> EMPLOYEES ARE STARTING TO
COME BACK INTO THE OFFICE AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS OF WORKING FROM
HOME DURING THE PANDEMIC. ♪ ♪ ♪
( SUNG TO "CLOSING TIME" )
>> HOW TO PUT ON A BELT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
AIDY BRYANT AND COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. OF
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY! HELLO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT SOUND.
>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE. THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT.
THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT, JON. JON, TELL ME, YOU'RE AN EXPERT.
YOU HAVE A GOOD EAR. WHAT KIND OF AUDIENCE IS THAT?
>> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS.
WOOOO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CABLES TO THAT RIGHT THERE. >> Jon: HOOK IT UP!
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY.
OF AND IT'S GLOWFT ANY FRIDAY. TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY THE TWO-YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF THE PANDEMIC! TWO YEARS-- IT'S TRUE.
TWO YEARS IS THE COTTON ANNIVERSARY.
YOUR GIFT IS ALL THOSE CLOTH MASKS THAT WE NOW KNOW ARE
COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
THIS IS TRUE, OFFICIALLY DECLARED COVID A PANDEMIC ON
MARCH 11, 2021. REMEMBER THOSE EARLY LOCKDOWN
DAYS? ME NEITHER.
BUT LET'S TRY, IN OUR BELOVED ONCE-RUNNING SEGMENT:
>> "THE LATE SHOW'S ROCKIN' TWO-YEAR CORONAVIRUS
PANDEMI-VERSARY: A FO-- LOOK BACK."
>> I'M GONNA GET OMI-CRUNKED! >> Stephen: BACK AT THE START OF
ALL THIS, NOT EVERYONE WAS TAKING COVID SERIOUSLY.
CASE IN POINT: UTAH JAZZ CENTER RUDY GOBERT, SEEN HERE AFTER
DAVID BLAINE STOLE HIS WATCH. ( LAUGHTER )
OF 2020, RUDY MADE FUN OF PANDEMIC PRECAUTIONS WHEN, JUST
DAYS BEFORE TESTING POSITIVE, HE STOOD TO LEAVE, TURNED BACK, AND
JOKINGLY TOUCHED EVERY MICROPHONE ON THE TABLE.
THAT CLIP HAS NOT AGED WELL, BUT AFTER TWO YEARS OF COVID,
NEITHER HAVE I. WHEN THE PANDEMIC WAS OFFICIALLY
DECLARED, ALL OF THE NEW YORK LATE-NIGHT HOSTS GOT TOGETHER
AND WE MADE A DETAILED PLAN... THAT IMMEDIATELY GOT FLUSHED
DOWN THE TOILET. TELL 'EM WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE!
LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON. ALL OF THE NEW YORK CITY
LATE-NIGHT SHOWS ARE PLANNING TO GO WITHOUT AUDIENCES STARTING
MONDAY. WE ANNOUNCED THAT LAST NIGHT,
ACTUALLY. AND THAT CHANGED, BECAUSE JUST A
FEW HOURS AGO, WE GOT SOME SURPRISING NEWS: WE WOULD BE
GOING WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE STARTING TONIGHT.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. WE'RE JUST KIND OF WINGING IT.
THIS IS REHEARSAL RIGHT NOW. THAT'S RIGHT!
OUR LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE WAS GATHERED OUTSIDE, AND THEY WERE
ALL SENT HOME. WELL, NOT THE TOURISTS.
THEY WENT TO GO TOUCH STUFF AT THE M&M STORE.
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T DO A SHOW, WE JUST TAPED
OUR REHEARSAL. THAT DAY'S AUDIENCE WAS JUST TWO
DOZEN STAFF MEMBERS SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE SEATS.
AND COMPARED TO THE STORAGE ROOM WE TAPED IN FOR THE NEXT 15
MONTHS, THAT SOUNDED LIKE A SOLD-OUT CROWD AT THE GARDEN.
DAYS LATER, FOLKS ACROSS THE COUNTRY WERE TOLD TO SHELTER IN
PLACE. AND FOR SOME OF US, THAT PLACE
WAS THE TUB: PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE
HUNKERED TOWN IN THEIR OWN HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE
CORONAVIRUS. THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS
MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.
SO, GET COMFORTABLE. ( APPLAUSE )
EIGHT WEEKS. OKAY, EIGHT WEEKS WAS A LITTLE
OFF. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR HOW MUCH BATHING I'D DO DURING THE PANDEMIC.
THOSE EARLY FIRST FEW MONTHS WERE TOUGH.
IT WAS ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WHEN WE GOT HIT WITH A
GLOBAL TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE. IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN OUR
NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NUMBER TWO.
( LAUGHTER ) TH( RIM SHOT )
THANK YOU, JOE. WITH T.P. SHELVES EMPTY, PEOPLE
STARTED SCRAMBLING FOR AN ALTERNATIVE.
AND, IN MARCH OF 2020, U.S. SEARCHES FOR "BIDET" REACHED AN
ALL-TIME HIGH. OF COURSE, A SEARCH FOR "BIDET"
IS ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY SEARCHES FOR "HOW DO I DRY OFF MY BUTT
WITHOUT TOILET PAPER" AND "ARE TERRY CLOTH DRAPERIES A
THING?" AND THERE WERE SO MANY MOMENTS
OF HOPEFUL HUMANITY DURING THE LOCKDOWN, LIKE QUARANTINING
ITALIANS, WHO SERENADED EACH OTHER FROM THEIR BALCONIES.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND HERE IN AMERICA, WE DID THE
SAME. I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?
I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE ACTUALLY BANGED POTS AND PANS
TOGETHER AT 7:00 FOR NURSES? DID WE DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR
THEM? NO, JUST THE BANGING?
YOU'RE WELCOME? ( LAUGHTER )
HAPPENED: VACCINES, NEW PRESIDENT, MURDEROUS
ANTI-DEMOCRATIC RAMPAGE ON OUR CAPITOL, YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, "THE
BATMAN." ( LAUGHTER )
OUR TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC? THE ONE COMMON EXPERIENCE THAT
UNITES US AS AMERICANS? WE ALL GOT A LI'L PUDGY.
BUT NOW, 61% OF AMERICANS ARE TRYING TO BREAK UNHEALTHY EATING
HABITS THAT AROSE DURING THE PANDEMIC.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
USING THEIR TREADMILL AS A CONVEYOR BELT TO FUNNEL THIN
MINTS DIRECTLY INTO OUR MOUTHS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST SET IT ON 8.
INCLINE, INCLINE.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES
FEELING THE WEIGHT OF THE PAST TWO YEARS.
APPARENTLY, PETS HAVE ALSO PUT ON PANDEMIC POUNDS.
AND THAT MEANS ALL PETS. WE'RE TALKIN' THICK KITTIES,
CHONKY DOGGIES, AND EVEN PLUMP PET SNAKES.
WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THAT THING?
AND HAS ANYONE SEEN OUR FAT DOG LATELY?
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT YEARS WILL BRING,
PANDEMIC-WISE, BUT AT LEAST I'VE LEARNED NOT TO SAY WHAT I
SAID ON LAST YEAR'S ANNIVERSARY: THAT DOES IT FOR OUR ONE-YEAR
QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL. TUNE IN NEXT YEAR, WHEN I HOPE
WE HAVE NOTHING TO COMMEMORATE. WAY TO GO, PAST STEPHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, AND HOT TIP: DON'T GET THAT
J-LO HEARTS A-ROD TATTOO. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S BAD FOR YOU. IN OTHER HEALTH NEWS, A NEW
STUDY FOUND THAT EXPOSURE TO LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q.
OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH
EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED SINGER."
FOR OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS ( APPLAUSE )
WHO MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THIS NEWS STORY, BACK IN THE DAY, GASOLINE
USED TO HAVE LEAD IN IT. WHEN I WAS A KID, AFTER HE
FILLED UP THE CAR, DAD USED TO LET US LICK THE NOZZLE.
THE DETAILS ARE... THEY'RE UPSETTING.
IN TOTAL, CHILDHOOD LEAD EXPOSURE COST AMERICA AN
ESTIMATED 824 MILLION I.Q. POINTS, OR 2.6 POINTS PER
PERSON, ON AVERAGE. THAT'S ON AVERAGE, OF COURSE.
SOME MORE, SOME LESS. THE MAJORITY OF THE I.Q. LOST
WERE CONCENTRATED IN THESE TWO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE. BUT ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, THIS
IS ONLY REALLY A PROBLEM FOR PEOPLE BORN BEFORE 1996, THE
YEAR THE U.S. BANNED GAS CONTAINING LEAD.
OKAY, BUT I WAS BORN BEFORE 1996.
ARE THEY SAYING THAT EXPOSURE TO LEAD MADE ME LESS SMART?
THAT DOESN'T-- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
IN OTHER NEWS, EXPOSURE TO LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q.
OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES.
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED
SINGER!" ANYWAY, WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE AIDY BRYANT AND
COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE
YOU A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT HOT TREND IN CRIME.
STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
FRIDAY NIGHT! IT JON, JON, JON.
JON, JON, JON. I'M READY FOR SPRING, MAN.
I AM READY FOR SPRING TO GET HERE.
I'VE HAD IT WITH WINTER. >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M READY FOR SPRING TO SPRING. >> Stephen: I LIKE THE
SPARKLES AROUND THE NECK, MAN. >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO
SHINE AND GLISTEN LIKE THE STAR YOU ARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: TONIGHT, MY FRIEND, WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE
TALENTED, THE WONDERFUL AIDY BRYANT FROM "S.N.L." IS GOING TO
BE HERE TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
SUCH A LOVELY PERSON. FOLKS, I LOVE TO STAY ON TOP OF
ALL THE LATEST TECH TRENDS. IT'S ONE WAY TO AVOID MY
CHILDREN MAKING FUN OF ME. AND FOR A WHILE NOW, ONE OF THE
HOTTEST TECH TRENDS HAS BEEN N.F.T.s, OR NON-FUNGIBLE TOKENS.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IN JUST ONE YEAR, WE'VE GONE FROM
HAVING NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TO HAVING NO IDEA WHY THEY ARE.
( LAUGHTER ) N.F.T.s ARE DIGITAL ASSETS THAT
YOU CAN BUY, AND YOUR OWNERSHIP IS ENCODED IN A
BLOCKCHAIN-ENCRYPTED PROOF OF PURCHASE.
THEN I THINK IF YOU COLLECT ENOUGH PROOF OF PURCHASES, YOU
CAN CUT THEM OUT, SEND THEM INTO KELLOGG'S, AND THEY'LL MAIL YOU
A CEREAL BOWL SHAPED LIKE A BASEBALL CAP.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT UNDERSTAND THEM OR NOT,
N.F.T.s HAVE BECOME THE HOTTEST COMMODITY IN THE ART WORLD.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS N.F.T. OF A BORED APE IN A PROPELLER BEANIE
RECENTLY SOLD FOR $3.4 MILLION, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT ART
COLLECTORS WANT. SORRY, VAN GOGH, MAYBE YOUR NEXT
SELF-PORTRAIT SHOULD ACCESSORIZE.
( LAUGHTER ) MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR N.F.T.s.
THERE WAS THIS ONE THAT SOLD FOR $11.8 MILLION; THIS ONE, BOUGHT
BY A GROUP OF INVESTORS FOR OVER 90 MILLION; AND THIS
ANIMATED ONE, BOUGHT FOR $3.8 MILLION, TITLED "SOME (BLEEP)."
NAMED, OF COURSE, FOR WHOEVER BOUGHT IT.
WITH SO MUCH MONEY IN THE N.F.T. MARKET, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT
IT'S ATTRACTED A NEW GENERATION OF ART THIEVES.
RECENTLY, SCAMMERS STOLE $1.7 MILLION WORTH OF N.F.T.s.
AND WITH N.F.T. THEFT ON THE RISE, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
UNTIL HOLLYWOOD TURNS IT INTO A BLOCKBUSTER HEIST MOVIE.
AND THAT MATTER OF TIME IS NOW. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU
PROBABLY KNOW WHY I BROUGHT YOU HERE.
YOU'RE THE PICASSOS STEALING PICASSOS, EACH WITH A UNIQUE
SKILL-- DEMOLITIONS, SAFE CRACKING, DISGUISE, LADY WHO
SNEAKS UNDER LASERS, AND K-POP STAR TO BULK UP OUR
INTERNATIONAL BOX OFFICE. BUT STEALING PAINTINGS IS A
THING OF THE PAST. THERE'S NO MONET IN MONET.
NO DOUGH IN VAN GOGH. WHAT THE ( BLEEP ).
THESE DAYS, THE REAL MONEY IS ON THE INTERNET.
WE ARE GOING TO STEAL THE WORLD'S MOST-VALUABLE N.F.T.
OF NONFUNGIBLE TOKENS, DIGITAL GRAPHICS LOCKED BEHIND
HIGH-SECURITY CRYPTOGRAPHY. >> IT'S LIKE AN EXPENSIVE
PICTURE ON THE COMPUTER? >> KIND OF.
>> IT'S LIKE A GIFT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR.
>> BASICALLY. >> LIKE A JPEG ANYONE CAN LOOK
AT WHENEVER THEY WANT TO, ONE PERSON PAYS FOR IT.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME
INTRODUCE YOU TO THE INTERNET'S MOST VALUABLE MASTERPIECE.
>> SO WHERE DO WE COME IN? >> DEMOLITION, SAFE CRACKER,
GOOGLE WHAT THE BLOCK CHAIN IS. KPOP, LASER ACROBAT.
GO LISTEN TO SOME PODCAST. MEET YOUR NEWEST TEAM MEMBER,
THE WORLD'S TOP N.F.T. FORGER. RIGHT CLICK, COPY, AND PASTE.
DONE. >> MY GOSH, IT'S AN EXACT COPY.
>> $280 MILL FOR ONE LITTLE PICTURE, AND IT'S ABOUT TO BE
OURS. >> I'LL BE OVER HERE SHOWING
THESE REM BRANTS. ANY LAST QUESTIONS?
>> YEAH, I GUESS, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS ALL MEAN?
>> WE JUST-- >> I MEAN, WHAT DOES IT SAY
ABOUT US AS A SOCIETY? AND WHAT ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENTAL
COST? THE ENERGY CONSUMPTION.
>> ALL RIGHT, STOP RIGHT THERE. ( LAUGHTER )
POSITION BETWEEN ACTIVE SUBVERSION AND STATUS SYMBOL
COLLECTED BY THOSE WHO PROFIT FROM THE VERY STATUS QUO THE ART
PURPORTS TO SUBVERT. >> I HATE THIS!
IT'S LIKE HAVING TO LEARN THE METAVERSE ALL OVER AGAIN.
>> ON FART BEAVER YOU CAN BUY DIFFERENT HATS.
EVERYBODY STAY CALM. DON'T THINK TOO MUCH, AND WE CAN
EACH WALK OUT OF HERE WITH MILLIONS
( BELL RINGS ) SORRY.
DAMN IT. BUBBLE BURST.
IT'S ALL WORTHLESS NOW. WAIT, HEY, HEY.
NOBODY LEAVE. WAIT, COME BACK.
LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT DOGECOIN
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN FOR SUCH A TREAT, BECAUSE
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM
"SHRILL," "I FEEL PRETTY," AND "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," AIDY BRYANT.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
OH, WOW. >> Stephen: HELLO, AIDY
BRYANT. >> HELLO.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. >> SO NICE TO BE SEEN.
>> Stephen: I HAVE VERY HAPPY FEELINGS WHEN I SEE YOU, BECAUSE
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU-- >> WOW.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
JIM? >> AND THE EMMY FOR VARIETY
SPECIAL LIVE GOES TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S "ELECTION NIGHT 2020."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> ( BLEEP ).
>> YES! ( APPLAUSE )
WOW. I HAVEN'T MET SOME OF THESE
PEOPLE BEFORE. I HOPE THAT WAS ANY WAY NEAR AS
FUN FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS THINK OF
YOU FONDLY NOW. >> OH, WOW I WISH I BROUGHT YOU
ANYTHING TONIGHT. I DIDN'T.
NO, I MEAN, IT IS REALLY FUN. BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE GIVING
SOMEONE SOMETHING THAT THEY MAYBE ARE EXCITED TO HAVE.
>> Stephen: IT'S GREAT TO PRESENT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE A HAPPY MEMORY.
>> TOTALLY, BUT I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT RUINING SOMEONE'S SPECIAL
MOMENT BY-- I WAS SCARED I WAS GOING TO BE LIKE, STE-FON
COPETE." >> Stephen: STILL AN HONOR.
>> GOOD, I'M GLAD. >> Stephen: WE HAVE SOMETHING
IN COMMON. WE BOTH STARTED OUT AT SECOND
CITY. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IN CHICAGO. ( APPLAUSE )
>> KROWFD ALUMS. >> Stephen: MOST OF THE
AUDIENCE IS FROM CHICAGO. >> WOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE THERE?
BECAUSEESH HAS THEIR OWN SECOND CITY EXPERIENCE.
IT'S BEEN AROUND 60-PLUS YEARS. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
FOR ME IT WAS SUCH HEAVY PARTYING, I SHOULD HAVE DIED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND PARTIALLY BECAUSE IT WAS
JUST, LIKE, A PATTERN OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD DO YOUR
SHOWS ON THE STAGE, AND THEN YOU WOULD GO OUT TO A BAR --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU DID THE IMPROV SET REALLY LATE.
>> SO LATE. >> Stephen: AND YOU'RE SO
JACKED UP FROM IMPROV. >> SO JACKED FROM IMPROV.
>> Stephen: THE ADRENALINE OF IT.
>> OF COURSE, BUT IT'S HUMILIATING TO ADMIT TO COOL
PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
JACKED, AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE I'M GOING TO GO TO THE BAR AND
CELEBRATE HOW I PLAYED A LADY IN A BIG HAT TONIGHT, OR WHATEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
YOU'RE LIKE, WELL, WE'VE GOT TO GO OUT TO EAT, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: SURE, WEINER CIRCLE.
>> OF COURSE. AND THEN, BASICALLY, YOU'RE
DOING THAT EVERY DAY. WHICH IS NOT OKAY.
AND I'VE TRIED TO, LIKE, RETURN AND GO-- LIKE, I DID A CHARITY
SHOW, AND I WENT BACK WITH SOME OTHER OLD ALUMS.
>> Stephen: WITH THE YOUNG KIDS WHO ARE STILL UP ON STAGE
THERE. >> EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
I TRIED TO GO TO THE BARS WITH THEM.
LAST TIME, I CRANK SO MUCH THEY BLACKED OUT.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> SCARY.
>> Stephen: YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
I REALIZED, OH, I MUST HAVE SEEN THE TAMALE BAN BECAUSE I WAS
BARFING UP TAMALES. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS LIKE A LITTLE DRUNK DETECTIVE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN AND VULNERABLE
WITH US. >> I LOVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL ON
CAMERA. I'M KNOWN FOR THIS.
>> Stephen: SECOND CITY PEOPLE ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR DIGNITY
ABOVE ALL ELSE. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU DID SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED
AFTER I LEFT THERE-- I WAS IN TOUR CO, FOR MANY YEARS, BUT WE
DIDN'T HAVE THE CRUISES BACK THEN.
YOU ALL WOULD DO THE SECOND CITY CRUISE.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, THEY WOULD LODE YOU ON TO A CARNIVAL CRUISE
BOAT, RIGHT? >> IT WAS NORWEGIAN.
WE DIDN'T MAKE IT UP TO CARNIVAL.
I DON'T KNOW, BASICALLY, IT WAS A FOUR-MONTH CONTRACT, SO YOU
LIVE ON THE BOAT. >> Stephen: FOR FOUR MONTHS!
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IS THAT A
PUNISHMENT TO BE ON A BOAT FOR FOUR MONTHS, OR IS IT THAT WAS
GREAT? WAS IT YAY!
>> I WAS DEFINITELY IN A ROOM WITH NO WINDOWS THAT WAS ABOUT
TWO FEET WIDE, BUT I WAS BEING PAID, SO FOR ME I WAS LIKE,s,
THIS ROCKS." >> Stephen: I FORGOT, WHEN
YOU'RE YOUNG, THEY KEPT YOU HUNGRY THERE.
>> TOTALLY. WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO.
WE JUST DID A COUPLE OF SHOWS DURING THE WEEK, AND THEN THEY
DID HAVE US TEACH WORKSHOPS. SO WE WOULD, LIKE, TEACH IMPROV
TO KIDS. AND I WASN'T VERY GOOD AT THAT.
SO I ALWAYS TRIED TO TEACH THE, LIKE, HISTORY OF SECOND CITY
WORKSHOP. AND IT WAS MOSTLY SHOWING PEOPLE
ON THE BOAT CLIPS OF YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YES. >> Stephen: LIKE THE SHOW?
>> LIKE OLD SECOND CITY CLIPS OF YOU SINGING WITH PAUL DINELO,
AND YOUR OLD SECOND CITY PALS. >> Stephen: THOSE VIDEOS ARE
TERRIBLE. >> THE QUALITY'S NOT GOOD.
AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN A BALLROOM ON A SHIP, WHICH IS--
AND PEOPLE ARE GOING, "WHAT'S GOING ON?"
( LAUGHTER ) WEEK, PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "SO
YOU KNOW HIM?" I WOULD SAY, "NO, I LIVE ON THE
SHIP." YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I KNOW NO ONE.
>> NOW I THINK IT'S GOOD BECAUSE IF THEY WERE EVER TO TAKE ME TO
COURT OR SOMETHING, I WOULD GO, I DO KIND OF KNOW HIM.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU LIVE IN CHICAGO?
>> SEVEN YEARS. >> Stephen: WHAT YEARS WERE
THOSE? >> WE'RE TALKING 2005 PLUS TO 7.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> AROUND --
>> Stephen: THAT'S TOO HIGH. DON'T-- WE'LL DO THE REST.
WE'LL HAVE THE TEAM DO THE REST OF THAT WORK.
>> I GOT HIRED TO "S.N.L." IN 2012.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YEAH. >> SO AROUND THERE.
>> Stephen: THAT RESTAURANT THEY WORKED AT FOR FIVE YEARS
WAS STILL THERE. YOU'RE GOING TO SKUZ ZY.
IT WAS AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT WITH A GIANT TOMATO OUT FRONT.
DID YOU WAIT? >> I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WAITING
TABLES, BUT INSTEAD I WAS WORKING ON A BARBER SHOP
ANSWERING PHONES AND FOLDING TOWELS, SWEEPING UP HAIR.
SO MUCH HAIR. >> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE
THAT PAYS VERY WELL. >> NO, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT IT
DID, NO. ( LAUGHTER )
SAY-- THEY WERE PRETTY FLEXIBLE WILL WITH OUR HOURS.
SO WHEN I WOULD SAY, "I CAN ONLY WORK THREE HOURS BECAUSE I NEED
TO GET IN A VAN TO GO TO INDIANA TO PERFORM IMPROV FOR PEOPLE
EATING CHICKEN TENDERS," THEY WOULD SAY, "SURE."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK I WILL ASK AIDY ABOUT HOW SHE GOT HER JOB AT "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE." STICK AROUND.
JUST-- WE WERE JUST-- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH AIDY BRYANT. YOU'RE IN YOUR TENTH SEASON AT
"S.N.L." >> YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: AND YOU KNOT
HIRED-- >> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: YOU GOT HIRED WHEN YOU WERE 25, YOU GOT HIRED WHEN
YOU WERE 25. >> YES.
>> Stephen: I ACTUALLY AUDITIONED FOR THE FIRST TIME
WHEN I WAS 25. >> WOW!
>> Stephen: AND I DID NOT GET HIRED, AND I'M NOT BITTER.
I'M CURIOUS, WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST MEETING WITH LORNE LIKE?
>> I ACTUALLY MET HIM AT SECOND CITY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND IT'S VERY WEIRD. YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE YOUR SHOW
AND YOU PERFORM YOUR SHOW AT SECOND CITY.
SO THE OPENING NIGHT OF OUR-- MY SECOND SHOW --
>> Stephen: MAIN STAGE? >> WELL, I NEVER MADE IT TO MAIN
STAGE, BUT THANK YOU FOR HURTING ME HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT WILL WORK OUT.
IT'S GOING TO WORK OUT FOR YOU. >> I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THEY SAID I WASN'T MAIN MATERIAL.
I WAS ON THE E.T.C. STAGE, WHICH I LOVED.
>> Stephen: QUALITY, SURE. >> AND SO IT WAS OPENING NIGHT
OF OUR BIG SHOW, AND THEY WERE LIKE, OKAY, CONGRATS, EVERYONE,
OPENING NIGHT OF YOUR SHOW. F.Y.I., LORNE MICHAELS AND ALL
THE "S.N.L." PRODUCERS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE."
AND SO THEN WE DID THE SHOW, AND AFTERWARDS, HE CAME BACKSTAGE,
AND WE WERE KIND OF CHIT-CHATTING, AND HE WAS SUPER
NICE, MET EVERYONE, AND HE WAS LIKE, IT'S YOUR OPENING NIGHT."
AND WE HAD DID A PREVIEW FOR THE PRESS.
HE SAID, "HOW ARE THE REVIEWS?" I SAID I'M TOO SCARED TO READ
EITHER. THAT WAS MY FIRST LITTLE MOMENT
WITH THEM. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW
STARRING IN A SHOW "HUMAN RESOURCES," WHICH IS A SPIN-OFF
OF THE GREAT SHOW "BIG MOUTH," THE ANIMATED NETFLIX SHOW ABOUT
GOING THROUGH PUBERTY. WHAT IS THE NEW SHOW ABOUT, AND
ARE THERE HORMONE MONSTERS IN THIS SHOW?
>> YES, SO ON "BIG MOUTH" THE HORMONE MONSTERS HELP THESE
CHILDREN NAVIGATE PUBERTY. "HUMAN RESOURCES" IS BASICALLY
ABOUT THE LIVES OF THOSE HORMONE MONSTERS AND SORT OF THEIR
CORPORATE WORKPLACE, YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: IT'S AN OFFICE
COMEDY, BUT WITH HORMONE MONSTERS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. SO THERE'S A LOT OF NASTY TALK
IN THE OFFICE. AND THERE'S ALL KIND OF-- YOU
KNOW, THERE'S AN ANXIETY MOSQUITO.
I PLAY A LOVE BUG, WHICH IS KIND OF NICE.
AND, YEAH, WE ALL KIND OF WORK TOGETHER TO HELP ADULT PROBLEMS
AS OPPOSED TO THE KID PROBLEMS ON "BIG MOUTH."
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED IN AN OFFICE.
>> WEIRDLY, "S.N.L." WAS MY FIRST OFFICE JOB, BECAUSE IT IS
LIKE-- IT'S -- >> Stephen: 30 ROCK IS AN
OFFICE BUILDING. >> AND THEY HAVE DESKS AND
COMPUTERS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SURE. >> I TAKE H.R. CLASSES THERE.
>> Stephen: RESPECTFUL WORKPLACE TRAINING.
>> NO, I THINK THEY CALL THEM,s, H.R. CLASSES."
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> YEAH, THAT WAS MY FIRST REAL OFFICE JOB, BECAUSE, OTHERWISE I
WAS SWEEPING HAIR IN THE BARBER SHOP.
( LAUGHTER ). THIS CLIP, AIDY?
>> WELL, I THINK IN THIS CLIP MY CHARACTER IS-- I WOULD CALL HER
SORT OF A DRUNK PROBLEM MESS. AND SO --
>> Stephen: THE LOVE BUG. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT SHE'S JUST STARTED WORKING AND TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE.
SO SHE'S KIND OF TALKING TO HER BOSS ABOUT HOW SHE NEEDS TO
FOCUS. >> Stephen: JIM.
>> YOUR NOTES ARE CRAP. YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME DOING
IMITATIONS. >> IMPRESSIONS.
>> TAKING SURVEYS. >> BUT EVERYONE LOVES MY "WOULD
YOU RATHER" BOARD! IT MAKES THEM WANT TO COME TO
WORK. >> WORK SHOULD MAKE PEOPLE WANT
TO COME TO WORK! >> YEAR, BUT IT DOESN'T.
>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- DO YOU EVEN WANT TO BE A
PROFESSIONAL LOVE BUG? >> I GUESS?
BUT HONESTLY, AS LONG AS I CAN STILL AFFORD MY NIGHTLY PIZZA
BURRITO WITH MY FRIENDS. >> SHUT UP!
WHAT WE DO HERE IS IMPORTANT. IT'S NOT SOME JOB IS THAT EXISTS
TO PAY FOR WHATEVER A PIZZA BURRITO IS.
>> PIZZA BURRITOS ARE SO GOOD. >> OH, MY GOD!
I DON'T CARE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: AIDY IT WAS SO LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "HUMAN RESOURCES"
PREMIERES MARCH 18 ON NETFLIX. AIDY BRYANT, EVERYBODY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
( APPLAUSE ). "THE LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW, FOLKS... BEING ON THE TV HERE, THERE ARE
SO MANY QUESTIONS PEOPLE WANT TO ASK ME, THINGS LIKE, "WHERE WERE
YOU ON THE NIGHT OF FEBRUARY 19?"
AND, "COULD YOU COME WITH US DOWN TO THE STATION, PLEASE?"
FANS. THE THING IS, EVERY NIGHT BEFORE
THE SHOW, I DO GIVE MEMBERS OF MY STUDIO AUDIENCE A CHANCE TO
GET TO KNOW ME BY ASKING ANYTHING THEY WANT AND ANSWERING
ONLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE. ( LAUGHTER )
TOGETHER AND SHARE THEM WITH YOU.
TONIGHT IS ONE OF THOSE OFTENS: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE IN THE THIRD ROW.
>> I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE. I WOULDN'T MIND THAT, EITHER.
MY NAME'S STEPHEN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> WHAT'S THE WORST AND THE BEST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER MADE?
>> Stephen: UM, I LIKE BOATS. AND THAT'S BOTH THE WORST AND
THE BEST PURCHASE YOU CAN MAKE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN I'M ON IT.
I GET OFFSHORE ABOUT TEN MILES, AND I DON'T HAVE A CARE IN THE
WORLD. IT'S, LIKE, BETTER THAN ANY
DRUG. THE TUG-- I LOVE TO FISH, AND,
AS WE SAY, THE TUG IS THE DRUG-- THE TUG OF THAT FISH.
THAT'S WHAT I REALLY LIKE. WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON? DO YOU NEED ME?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOUR BEST PURCHASE.
>> Stephen: WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE WHAT-- SORT OF THINGS DO PEOPLE PURCHASE?
WHAT? EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING.
>> Stephen: EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING?
THAT WAS OKAY. I SAW YOU FIRST RIGHT OVER THERE
OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE. HELLO.
>> OKAY, AT THE EMMY'S, MINDY KALING CALLED YOU "A MESSY
BITCH." DO YOU IDENTIFY AS A MESSY
BITCH? >> Stephen: DO I IDENTIFY AS A
MESSY BITCH? YES, AND IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW
ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
UH, YES, RIGHT BACK THERE. >> DO WE HAVE FREE WILL, STEPHEN
COLBERT? ( LAUGHTER )
THING-- I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ASK THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU? >> WELL...
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT
OUT-- I WANT TO POINT OUT SOMEBODY RAISED YOU RIGHT.
YOU STOOD UP TO ASK YOUR QUESTION.
WHAT-- HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?
>> I STAY UP EVERY NIGHT LISTENING TO YOU.
I THINK YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
>> Stephen: OH. >> AND I FIGURED ALL THESE
PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IS THIS AN
INFLATABLE DOLL? ( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE A STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL.
>> Stephen: LET ME SEE THIS. THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS
PRESENT OF ALL TIME. ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU! >> COULD I GIVE YOU MY NAME AND
ADDRESS? >> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU CAN.
OF COURSE YOU CAN. AND THEY SAY COMEDIANS DON'T GET
GROUPIES. UH, YES RIGHT THERE.
>> SO, YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED A LOT OF PRESIDENTS BEFORE, AND I
WANTED TO ASK YOU IF ANY OF THEM TOLD YOU THAT ALIENS WERE REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) I ASKED OBAMA!
I ASKED OBAMA IF ALIENS WERE REAL.
WHAT DID HE SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
I SAID "WELL, THAT'S A YES." ( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER DAY. WAS IT JUST, LIKE-- WAS IT JUST,
LIKE, A YEAR AGO THAT WE GOT THE REPORT?
AND THEN PEOPLE, LIKE MEMBERS OF THE SECRETARY OF THE NAVY OR
SOMETHING, WENT ON-- ON "60 MINUTES" AND SAID, "YEAH IT'S
REAL." AND WE'RE ALL JUST GOING ON WITH
OUR LIVES. HOW ARE WE JUST GOING ON WITH
OUR LIVES WHEN WE KNOW THAT THERE ARE REAL U.F.O.s OUT
THERE? I THINK THEY'RE SOFTENING UP THE
BEACH. THEY'RE LIKE "OKAY, THEY HANDLED
THE VIDEO AND THE PROOF PRETTY WELL.
NOW LET'S LET THEM KNOW THAT THERE ARE ALIENS."
BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT.
>> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU FREAK OUT?
WOULD YOU FREAK OUT IF YOU FOUND OUT THERE WERE ALIENS?
>> Jon: I'D FREAK OUT AND THEN I'D TRY TO MEET 'EM.
( LAUGHTER ) FREAK OR DE-FREAK IT?
>> Jon: JUST TO GET TO KNOW 'EM BETTER, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: YEAH. JUST SAY TO THEM, LIKE, "I WANT
TO GET TO KNOW YOU, MR. ALIEN. WHAT'S THE BEST PURCHASE AND THE
WORST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER MADE?"
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN, WRITER,
AND ACTOR. HIS FIRST OFF-BROADWAY SHOW,
"JUST FOR US" IS A "NEW YORK TIMES" CRITIC'S PICK.
PLEASE WELCOME ALEX EDELMAN. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GOD!
OWOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY, A LITTLE, AND THEN I'LL LEAVE
YOU ALONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAD.
MY DAD'S A REAL SMART GUY. MY DAD TEACHES AT M.I.T.
HE'S A CARDIOLOGIST AT A HOSPITAL IN BOSTON CALLED
BRIGHAMS. HE DESIGNS ARTIFICIAL HEARTS.
AND BECAUSE OF THE ARTIFICIAL HEART DESIGN, IN 2010, HE ALMOST
WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR MEDICINE.
( APPLAUSE ) AND IF YOU TALK TO MY MOM, YOU'D
THINK SHE'S MARRIED TO THE DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH WHO'S
EVER LIVED! YOU'D WALK OUT OF A CONVERSATION
WITH CHERYL EDELMAN, AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THAT LADY, BUT HER HUSBAND...
ILLITERATE." ( LAUGHTER ).
START OF THE PANDEMIC, AND OUT OF NOWHERE, WE'RE EATING DINNER,
MY DAD GOES, "ALEX." "YEAH, DAD?
IS? "DO YOU WANT TO SEE AN
ARTIFICIAL HEART?" "YES, PLEASE."
FOR A SECOND I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE, LOOK."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE KIND OF WEIRDO HE
IS. HE GOES, "OKAY, I'LL GO OUT TO
THE CAR." MY DAD'S JUST GOT A TRUNK FULL
OF HEARTS, LIKE, THE SADDEST COUNTRY MUSIC SONG OF ALL TIME.
THE MAN HAS A TRUNK FULL OF HEHEARTS AND HE GOES OUT TO THE
CAR AND GETS A CARDBOARD BOX OUT OF THE TRUNK-- I WATCH HIM
THROUGH THE WINDOW-- AND HE COMES BACK WITH A BOX AND PULLS
OUT A HEART AND IT'S GORGEOUS. IT'S CHROME, IT'S PLASTIC, IT
LOOKS LIKE A HEART. I GO, "DAD, THIS IS SO COOL."
AND MY MOM, WITHOUT LOOKING UP FROM HER "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, JUST
WENT, "TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH. HE'S BEEN WORKING ON THAT CRAP
FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS." ( LAUGHTER )
AND I SAID, "YEAH, MOM, BUT IT'S PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?
BECAUSE IT'S AN ARTIFICIAL HEART?"
AND SHE JUST WENT, "I GREW YOUR HEART INSIDE ME IN NINE FREAKING
MONTHS." ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE LADY AT THE END OF THE TABLE WAS BORN
WITHOUT ONE." "IS THAT WHY YOU MAKE THEM?
YOU'RE LOOK FOR A HUG AT SOME POINT?"
EVERY WIFE THINKS THEIR HUSBAND IS THE DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH
WHO'S EVER LIVED. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY ARE.
LIKE, YOU EVER SEE MICHELLE OBAMA INTERVIEWED ABOUT BARACK?
THE INTERVIEWER IS LIKE, "HE'S AMAZING."
AND SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S FINE." ( LAUGHTER )
JESUS TURNING WATER INTO WINE, AND MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT IT'S A ROSE, ISN'T IT?" ( APPLAUSE )
WE WENT TO THIS MUSEUM RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT.
WENT TO THIS MUSEUM IN BOSTON, AND MY DAD PARKED TOO FAR AWAY
FROM THE MUSEUM. AND EVERY PARKING SPOT WE PASSED
THAT WAS OPEN BETWEEN THERE AND THE MUSEUM, MY MOM PUT ON AN
ORIGINAL PRODUCTION OF "MACBETH."
SHE WAS LIKE, "WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE!
WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE." AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SAID,
"YOU'RE A MORON." I SAID HE'S NOT A MORON.
HE ALMOST WON THE NOBEL PRIZE." AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, SHE
GOES, "NOT FOR PARKING!" ( APPLAUSE )
PERSON IN MY FAMILY. MY BROTHER, 5678D J.-- THIS IS
TRUE. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
#-R MY BROTHER-- I MEAN, LIKE, IT IS EVENTUALLY.
LIKE A.J. QUALIFIED FOR THE 2018 WINTER OLYMPICS FOR ISRAEL.
AND WHEN PEOPLE FIND THAT OUT, THEY ASK ME A TON OF QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE LIKE, YOUR BROTHER?" "YES."
"YOUR BROTHER?" "YES."
"YOUR BROTHER IS AN OLYMPIAN." "YES, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, TURNS
OUT IT'S NURTURE." ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH,s FOR ISRAEL, I KNOW. THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
YES. DOES ISRAEL HAVE AN WINTER.
NO, HE HAD TO TRAIN IN GERMANY, THE IRONY TO END ALL IRONY.
A.J.'S SPORT IS SKELETON, WHICH IS LIKE LUGE-- I SHOULD DO THIS
BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE ON TV. WHAT A HERO, A TREMENDOUS
ACCOMPLISHMENT. WE'RE SO PROUD OF HIM.
OKAY. ( APPLAUSE )
WONDERFUL. SKELETON IS THE DUMBEST SPORT
YOU COULD POSSIBLY CONCEIVE OF. IT'S HARDLY-- HERE'S HOW DUMB
THE SPORT IS. I WENT TO GO SEE A.J.REQUESTS
PERSPECTIVE IN LAKE PLACID. A GUY CRASHED AT THE TOP OF THE
RUN AND THE SLED WENT DOWN WITHOUT HIM, AND THE SLED ON ITS
OWN FINISHED IN FOURTH PLACE. AND I THINK ABOUT THAT, LIKE,
ONCE A MONTH BECAUSE OCCASIONALLY MY BROTHER WILL BE
LIKE, "IT'S A SKILL SPORT." AND I'M LIKE, "IT'S GRAVITY,
A.J. A CORPSE AND SOME DUCT TAPE
WOULD MEDAL IN THIS EVENT! THE ANNOUNCER, BOB COSTAS, WOULD
BE LIKE, WOW, LOOK AT SIMMONS KEEPING HIS SHOULDERS SO STILL
IN THOSE CORNERS. ALSO, I HAD NO FAITH IN HIM,
NONE. WHENEVER THEY INTERVIEW ATHLETE
FAMILIES, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "WE KNEW THAT TOM WAS SPECIAL.
WE KNEW THAT HE WOULD WIN A MILLION SUPER BOWLS, BECAUSE
SOME TRANSCENDENT QUARTERBACK." THERE WAS NONE OF THAT MY NMY
HOUSE FOR MY ISRAELI OLYMPIAN. I MADE FUN OF A.J. EVERY SINGLE
DAY. I CALLED HIM THE "FROZEN CHOSEN"
FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS IN A ROW. AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, "STOP
CALLING HIM THAT." THIS WILL BE A TOO JEWISH FOR
SOME OF YOU, BUT I SWITCHED OVER TO SCHUL RUNNINGS, AND I'M SO
PROUD OF THAT. WE'RE AT THE OLYMPICS.
WE'RE IN CORIA SITTING ON THIS BUS IN THE OLYMPIC VENUE, AND
THERE IS AN ISRAELI REPORTER INTERVIEWING A.J.
"WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING TO BE AN
OLYMPIAN." AND A.J., SAID "NO ONE WAS MORE
SURPRISED THAN I WAS." AND OUT LOUD ON ISRAELI
TELEVISION I JUST WENT, "THAT'S NOT TRUE."
GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
THIS IS WHAT A DREAM. ( APPLAUSE )
SHOW "JUST FOR US" AT THE SOHO PLAYHOUSE FROM MARCH 14
THROUGH APRIL 23. GO TO www.justforusshow.com FOR
TICKETS. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY SANDRA BULLOCK, ANNE
HATHAWAY, AND MICHAEL BUBLEÉ. GOOD NIGHT.