SOME OF UKRAINES MOST PROMINENT BALLERINAS ARE TRADING
DANCE FOR DEFENSE, ARMING THEMSELVES AGAINST THE RUSSIAN
MILITARY. >> THEY'RE THE BUTTERFLIES OF
KYIV, PERFORMING FOR THE FINAL TIME IN FRANCE, PUTTING THEIR
LIFE'S WORK ON HOLD TO DEFEND THEIR COUNTRY.
>> AND NOW THE UKRAINIAN NATIONAL BALLET PRESENTS "THE
NUTCRACKER." ( NUTCRACKER THEME PLAYING )
>> OH! OH!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, MARTHA STEWART TAKES
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES AMBASSADOR
MARIE YOVANOVITCH! AND MUSICAL GUEST REX ORANGE
COUNTY, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY! NICE TO SEE YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO!
HELLO, JOE. HELLO, LOUIS.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE MAY BE THE HOME OF THE BRAVE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, BUT
YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIRE THE TOUGHNESS OF THE UKRAINIAN
PEOPLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHEN PUTIN LAUNCHED HIS MONSTROUS WAR,
EVERYONE WAS SAYING KYIV WOULD FALL WITHIN 48 TO 72 HOURS.
BUT IT'S DAY 15, AND THEY'RE STILL STANDING STRONG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN WITH 150,000 OF PUTIN'S
SOLDIERS IN THE COUNTRY, THE RUSSIANS CONTROL, AT MOST, ABOUT
10% OF UKRAINE. HEY, PUTIN -- HOW YOU LIKE THEM
TURNIPS? ( LAUGHTER )
SO FAR, THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY SAYS THEY HAVE SHOT DOWN OR
DESTROYED, 48 RUSSIAN AIRPLANES AND 80 HELICOPTERS; CAPTURED OR
DESTROYED 303 RUSSIAN TANKS AND HUNDREDS OF MECHANIZED VEHICLES
AND CARS; AND HAVE TAKEN OUT TWO RUSSIAN NAVAL VESSELS.
THAT'S GOTTA ESPECIALLY STIN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S GOT TO ESPECIALLY STING PUTIN.
WE ALL KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIS 'NAVAL."
( LAUGHTER ) AND GET THIS --
THE UKRAINIANS DIDN'T SINK JUST ANY SHIP, BECAUSE THE RUSSIAN
WARSHIP THAT WAS TOLD TO GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF
AT SNAKE ISLAND HAS BEEN DESTROYED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: SO, IT MAY NOT HAVE DONE
EXACTLY WHAT THE UKRAINIANS WANTED, BUT IT "DID" GO DOWN ON
ITSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
THE FAILURE OF THE VAUNTED RUSSIAN WAR MACHINE TO OVERWHELM
THE MUCH SMALLER UKRAINE HAS SHOCKED THE WORLD.
AFTER SEEING THE SLOW PROGRESS, ONE OF RUSSIA'S FORMER COMBAT
LEADERS GAVE THIS ASSESSMENT: >> YOU WILL LOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: APPARENTLY, RUSSIA'S
MILITARY PROBLEMS GO DEEP. EARLY IN THE INVASION, WE
LEARNED THAT SOME TROOPS CROSSED THE BORDER WITH M.R.E.S THAT
EXPIRED IN 2002. IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR
DINNER IS OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST. THE RUSSIANS ARE ALSO APPARENTLY
LOW ON FUEL. WHICH COULD BE WHY THEIR GIANT
CONVOY REMAINS STUCK IN A COLUMN AROUND 20 MILES OUTSIDE KYIV
THAT HAS BARELY MOVED SINCE LAST WEEK.
HAHA! ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE STUCK IN A TANK CONGA LINE!
( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLIC OF CONGA.
"C'MON SHAKE YOUR BODY PUTIN DO THE CONGA!
I KNOW YOU CAN'T STAY IN POWER ANY LONGER.
VLAD!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ♪♪
( BAND PLAYING CONGA ) >> Stephen: WHOA!
GOT SOME RECIPROCAL ACTION BACK HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WHEN THE CONVOY DOES GET
MOVING, IT'S BEEN SLOWED DOWN BY WHAT MILITARY EXPERTS HAVE
DESCRIBED AS CHEAP CHINESE TIRES, WHICH ARE A BAD COPY OF
THE MICHELIN XZL MILITARY TIRE. THEY'VE EVEN GOT THEIR OWN
BOOTLEG MASCOT: THE MARSHMELLIN FELLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS RUSSIA USING SUCH CHEAP
EQUIPMENT? WELL, RUSSIA'S FORMER FOREIGN
MINISTER SAYS THAT WHILE PUTIN HAS DEDICATED BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS TO MODERNIZING RUSSIA'S FORCES, MUCH OF THAT BUDGET WAS
STOLEN BY OLIGARCHS AND SPENT ON MEGA-YACHTS IN CYPRUS.
AND NOW THAT HIS INNER CIRCLE IS RICH, PUTIN CAN'T RELY ON THEM,
CUZ MAINTAINING A LUXURIOUS LIFESTYLE DISINCENTIVIZES TOP
SECURITY OFFICIALS FROM GIVING EXPERT ADVICE THAT MIGHT
DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT. THAT'S RIGHT, THEY'RE PLAYING
RUSSIA'S MOST POPULAR GAME: "DON'T DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT!"
IVAN, TELL THE OLIGARCHS WHAT THEY STAND TO LOSE!
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) "IF YOU MAKE PUTIN
MAD, YOU COULD LOSE YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS YOUR LUXURIOUS BROYHILL
SEX BOAT! SEX BOAT:
THE BOAT FOR MAKING SEX. BACK TO YOU
STEPAN!" >> Stephen: THANK YOU, IVAN.
SEX BOAT. SEX BOAT.
>> Jon: OH, WOW. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BUT THE BIGGEST REASON THE
RUSSIAN MILITARY IS BOGGED DOWN IS THE CASUAL COURAGE OF THEIR
UKRAINIAN OPPONENTS. CASE IN POINT, CHECK OUT THIS
FOOTAGE OF AN EXPLOSIVES DISPOSAL TEAM DISARMING A
RUSSIAN BOMB WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR HANDS AND A BOTTLE OF
WATER. FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS MAYBE THE
BRAVEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. SECOND, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE
HOW GOOD THIS GUY IS AT JENGA ( LAUGHTER )
HE'S PULLIN' OUT THAT BOTTOM BLOCK FIRST ROUND!
COME ON! ( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN TELL THESE GUYS ARE PROS, BECAUSE THEY PUT THAT
LITTLE SHEET OVER THE BOMB. ( LAUGHTER )
A LITTLE BLANKIE. A LITTLE BLANKIE.
THAT WAY, IF YOU CAN'T DIFFUSE IT, YOU CAN JUST SING IT A
LULLABY AND IT'LL FALL ASLEEP. ALSO, LET'S NOT OVERLOOK THE
BRAVERY OF THE CAMERAMAN HERE. DO THEY NOT HAVE TRIPODS IN
UKRAINE? "I'M GOOD, I'VE GOT THE SCREEN
PROTECTOR ON." ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT JUST TRAINED SOLDIERS. EVERYDAY UKRAINIANS ARE STEPPING
UP TO DEFEND THEIR HOMELAND. AND A NEW GROUP JUST JOINED THE
FRAY, BECAUSE UKRAINIAN BALLERINAS ARE LEAVING THE STAGE
FOR THE FRONT LINES. PUTIN DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE!
THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO TOOK DOWN THE MOUSE KING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S RUSSELL MEYER!
IT'S NOT THE FIRST INSTANCE OF BALLERINAS GOING TO WAR.
WHO CAN FORGET THE CLASSIC VIDEO GAME
"CALL OF DUTY: BLACK SWAN." ( LAUGHTER )
CHECK OUT THE INCREDIBLE TRANSFORMATION OF
KYIV BALLET'S PRINCIPAL DANCER OLEKSY POTYOMKIN.
HERE HE IS ON STAGE, ALREADY PACKING SOME HEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE HE IS READY FOR BATTLE.
JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM OUT? IMPRESSIVE.
THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: GET IT, GET IT! YEAH, YEAH!
GET UP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MORE AND MORE COMPANIES
COMPANIES ARE PULLING THEIR INVESTMENTS OUT OF RUSSIA.
LIKE NESTLE, MAKERS OF KIT KAT, SMARTIES, AND AERO.
SO GOODBYE, WEIRD EURO CHOCOLATE BARS.
NEXT YEAR'S RUSSIAN HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE DISMAL
THAN USUAL. (AS RUSSIAN)
"TRICK OR TREAT! YAY! IS POTATO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT TO GET T-SHIRTS MADE
UP -- "IS POTATO ." ANOTHER FOOD COMPANY BOWING OUT
IS YUM BRANDS, THE PARENT COMPANY OF K.F.C..
THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA. YOU'VE INCURRED THE WRATH OF ONE
OF AMERICA'S MOST DECORATED OFFICERS: COLONEL SANDERS.
HIS VENGEANCE WILL BE EXTRA CRISPY.
DON'T MAKE US SEND IN CAP'N CRUNCH.
WITH JUICE, TOAST, AND MILK, HE'S PART OF A BALANCED
ASS-WHOOPING! RUSSIANS WILL STILL BE ABLE TO
GET THEIR FAVORITE FOOD: CIGARETTES.
BECAUSE CAMEL SAID THEIR BUSINESS THERE WILL CONTINUE
TO OPERATE. WELL, THAT'S LUCKY.
'CUZ AT THIS POINT, CAMEL CASH IS WORTH MORE THAN THE
RUBLE. GIVEN ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH,
IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT HATE FOR PUTIN'S RUSSIA HAS CONSUMED
UKRAINE. AND HATE IS A POWERFUL EMOTION.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE FAMOUS QUOTE FROM STAR WARS:
>> FEAR LEADS TO ANGER. ANGER LEADS TO HATE.
AND HATE PUTIN I DO. SUCK IT VLAD!
SUCK IT...YOU SHOULD." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW! WOW!
IT FINALLY WORKED! THE NEW YORK TIMES INTERVIEWED A
UKRAINIAN PSYCHOLOGIST ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF HER FELLOW CITIZENS,
AND SHE SAID >> "ANGER AND HATE IN THIS
SITUATION IS A NORMAL REACTION AND IMPORTANT TO
VALIDATE. BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO CHANNEL
IT INTO SOMETHING USEFUL, SUCH AS MAKING INCENDIARY BOMBS OUT
OF EMPTY BOTTLES." >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A GOOD
THERAPIST. (AS PSYCHOLOGIST)
"IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S CONSTANT PRESSURE FOR YOU TO
HAVE CHILDREN, TOUCHES ON SOME UNRESOLVED ANXIETY.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CUTTING HER BRAKE CABLES?"
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE
YOVANOVITCH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE! JOIN US.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
HELLO, JON! >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: HELLO, FRIENDO! GOOD TO SEE YA.
JON, WE ARE PRIVILEGED THIS EVENING, FOR OUR GUESTS, WE HAVE
FORMER AMBASSADOR FROM THE UNITED STATES TO UKRAINE MARIE
YOVANOVITCH IS GOING TO BE HERE. >> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOT A NEW BOOK CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE
EDGE." 30 YEARS IN THE STATE
DEPARTMENT, MANY YEARS IN UKRAINE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO TESTIFIED IN
THE FIRST TRIAL FOR IMPEACHMENT AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT
BECAUSE SHE WAS ONE TO HAVE THE AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET FUNDS
OVER THERE SO THEY COULD FIGHT THE RUSSIANS.
LATER, I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO MARTHA
STEWART. >> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS THIS ACCURATE? >> Jon: MM-HMM.
GOOD. >> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW FOLKS, I
SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, WITH MY EARS, MIND,
AND HEART OPEN TO THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AUDITIONING AND
SELECTING ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL NEWS-OBOES, THE MOST RELEVANT
AND LILTING VIOLAS, ROUNDING IT OUT WITH SOME NOBLE FRENCH
HORNS, AND INSOUCIANT BASSOONS, THEN COMPOSING AND
ARRANGING THE NEWSIEST, MOST UPLIFTING YET BITTERSWET
RONDOS, ALLEGROS, SCHERZOS, AND SONATAS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE
TIMELESSLY MOVING YET INFORMATIVE POST-MODERN OPUS
NUMBER ONE SYMPHONY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP AT THE WHEEL OF A STOLEN CEMENT TRUCK,
SNORT ANOTHER RAIL OF KETAMINE AND BATH SALTS, THEN I STRIP
DOWN AND SCAMPER THROUGH A CEMETERY TRAPPING RATS UNDER
RUSTY COFFEE CANS. AFTER AN IMPASSIONED SPEECH
ABOUT NEEDING THEIR HELP TO SAVE THE OLD THEATER, THEY
ACCOMPANY ME ON A RAID OF A PRESCHOOL MUSIC ROOM TO STEAL
ITS FLUTES, RECORDERS, AND KAZOOS, WHERE I CONDUCT THE
FUGITIVE VERMIN PHILHARMONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
♪♪ ♪♪
MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SKERTO HAS NEVER BEEN USED ON A LATE NIGHT SHOW BEFORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MEANWHILE!" --
THE INTERNETS ARE ALIGHT WITH THE NEWS THAT
"ELON MUSK AND GRIMES HAVE SECRETLY WELCOMED THEIR SECOND
CHILD." WHICH HAS MANY SAYING "WAIT,
DIDN'T THEY BREAK UP? ALSO, DON'T I NOT CARE?"
( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE GIRL'S NAME IS
"EXA DARK SIDEREL" A MOVE TOWARD NORMAL FROM THEIR SON
PHIL. ( LAUGHTER )
MOTHER AND BABY ARE DOING WELL, AND THAT CAT IS SURE GETTING
BETTER AT WALKING ACROSS THE KEYBOARD.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, OVER 100 YEARS AFTER
ERNEST SHACKLETON'S ILL-FATED VOYAGE TO THE ANTARCTIC ENDED
WITH HIS SHIP GETTING CRUSHED AND SINKING IN THE ICE, THE
ENDURANCE HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND 10,000 FEET BELOW WHAT THE
EXPERTS CALL "THE WORST PORTION OF THE WORST SEA IN THE
WORLD." AMAZING TESTAMENT TO THE SKILL
AND DETERMINATION OF THESE ARCHAEOLOGISTS, AND I JUST WANT
TO SAY: ANY CHANCE YOU CAN COME FIND MY LEFT AIRPOD?
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS TRAGICALLY LOST DURING AN
EXPEDITION TO GET UP FROM THE BEST PART OF THE BEST COUCH IN
THE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
AND "FIND MY PHONE" JUST KEEPS FINDING MY CASE.
I KNOW WHERE THE CASE IS. I DON'T PUT THE CASE IN MY EAR.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN ROCK AND ROLL
PLUMBING NEWS, A TOILET SHAPED LIKE METALLICA'S LARS ULRICH
HAS BEEN ACQUIRED BY A DANISH MUSEUM.
OBVIOUSLY, IT'S LOVELY. I'VE ONLY ONE DESIGN, THOUGH.
I THINK HIS ARMS SHOULD BE OPEN SO HE CAN EMBRACE YOU WHEN
YOU'RE DOING YOUR BUSINESS. THANK YOU, LARS.
I WAS SO SCARED. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A BIZARRE-LOOKING BAT THAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE A LOST
SPECIES HAS BEEN REDISCOVERED. SEEMS UNFAIR TO CALL THE BAT
"BIZARRE LOOKING" IN THE HEADLINE.
HOW BAD COULD IT--- HOLY BIG FACE!
LOOK AT THAT...CHIN? THE HILL'S HORSESHOE BAT HASN'T
BEEN SEEN IN FOUR DECADES. ONE RESEARCHER SAID
"THE FACIAL FEATURES WERE EXAGGERATED TO THE
POINT OF COMICAL." THEIR FINDINGS WILL BE PUBLISHED
IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF HURTING ANIMALS' FEELINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE USED
AN ALGORITHM TO FIGURE OUT WHAT PIGS ARE SAYING.
AFTER STUDYING RECORDINGS OF MORE THAN 7,000 GRUNTS
THEY SAY THEY CAN MATCH EACH SOUND TO EMOTIONS SUCH AS BEING
HAPPY, EXCITED, SCARED OR STRESSED.
SO PIGS ARE CAPABLE OF REAL, COMPLEX EMOTIONS.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW MY BACON UNDERSTANDS HOW HAPPY IT'S
MAKING ME. MEANWHILE, A WOMAN ON A
NORWEGIAN CRUISE HAD A ROUGH DAY WHEN SHE HOPPED IN THE OL'
WATERSLIDE AND DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT.
ENJOY BEING COOKED IN THE HABITRAIL OF DEATH.
ONLY THING WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU ON A CRUISE IS
EVERYTHING ELSE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER
AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH.
>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR TO
UKRAINE WHOSE NEW BOOK IS CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE."
PLEASE WELCOME AMBASSADOR MARIE YOVANOVITCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: NOW, FOR THE FOLKS WHO DID NOT HEAR ME TALKING
ABOUT YOU AT THE TOP OF THE LAST ACT, THEY MIGHT REMEMBER YOU AS
SOMEONE FROM THE FIRST IMPEACHMENT OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT, IMPEACHMENT CLASSIC, WE CALL IT.
THERE YOU ARE GIVING TESTIMONY AT THE IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS.
( APPLAUSE ) AND YOU SERVED AS AMBASSADOR TO
UKRAINE FROM 2016 TO 2019. KYIV WAS YOUR HOME.
YOU WORKED ALONGSIDE THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
AS YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE LAST TWO WEEKS, THIS MONSTROUS WAR THAT'S
BEEN LAUNCHED, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS NOT ONLY ON WHAT'S
HAPPENING BUT OF THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
>> WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS.
THERE'S THE BEFORE TWO WEEKS AGO AND THEN THE AFTER-PERIOD.
I'VE JUST BEEN DEVASTATED. THAT'S A WORD THAT'S BEEN
OVERUSED IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS BUT IT'S THE ACCURATE ONE
TO DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS. I FEEL EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN
UKRAINE HAS A TARGET ON THEIR BACK, PRESIDENT PUTIN IS GOING
IN AND INDISCRIMINATELY KILLING WOMEN, CHILDREN.
WE SAW PREGNANT WOMEN WHEN THERE WAS A BOMBING IN MARIUPOL OF THE
MATERNITY HOSPITAL. SO IT'S BEEN PRETTY TOUGH TO
WATCH AND SUPPORT AND BE IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE IN UKRAINE.
BUT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT THEM, AND THE COURAGE THAT THEY ARE
SHOWING, THAT THEY WILL NOT ALLOW AN AUTOCRAT TO COME INTO
THEIR COUNTRY AND DICTATE HOW THEY'RE GOING TO LIVE, NO MATTER
WHAT THE COST. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE CONTACTS IN UKRAINE.
WHAT ARE YOU HEARING FROM THEM? WHAT DO THEY WANT US TO KNOW?
>> WELL -- I BROUGHT MY PHONE, AND LET ME JUST READ A TEXT THAT
I GOT TODAY FROM A FRIEND WHO SH IN THE PARLIAMENT, AND IT'S A
LITTLE LONG. I HOPE YOU WILL BEAR WITH ME BUT
THIS IS DIRECT FROM THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
WE ARE OUTNUMBERED AND OUTGUNNED IN FRONT OF THE AGGRESS ER.
WE LACK AIR DEFENSE, ANTI-ROCKET, ANTI-TANK SYSTEMS
AND BASIC PROTECTION GEAR FOR OUR MILITARY.
WE ARE INCREASINGLY THREATENED WITH CHEMICAL AND TACTICAL
NUCLEAR ATTACKS. BUT WITH RESOLVE, COURAGE AND
DEDICATION TO PROTECT OUR MOTHERLAND, OUR FREEDOMS AND THE
THE RIGHTS WE BELIEVE IN, UKRAINIAN SOCIETY IS STANDING UP
TO THIS BARBARIC TERRORIST WAR. WE WILL FIGHT TILL THE LAST
BULLET AND THE LAST PERSON BUT WE ARE PLEADING TO THE FREE
WORLD -- THAT'S ALL OF US -- TO HELP US DEFEND THE VALUES THAT
THE FREE WORLD SHARES TO STOP THIS APOCALYPSE.
GOD HELP US AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.
STRAIGHT FROM UKRAINE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AND I AM FROM THE GENERATION LIKE YOU ARE WHERE
THE IDEA OF THERE BEING A FREE WORLD IN OPPOSITION TO AN
AUTOCRATIC WORLD WAS AN EVERY DAY PART OF THE CONVERSATION.
CERTAINLY IN POLITICAL OR FOREIGN POLICY CONVERSATIONS.
ARE YOU SURPRISED WE'RE BACKE WE ARE RIGHT NOW?
>> IN SOME WAYS I AM, BUT IN OTHER WAYS, HAVING WATCHED PUTIN
OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS OR SO, NOT SO SURPRISED.
HE'S HAD AN OBSESSION WITH UKRAINE.
HE'S -- OVER THE YEARS. HE HAS MADE CLEAR THAT HE, AS
YOU NOTED, DOESN'T BELIEVE THERE IS A DISTINCT UKRAINIAN PEOPLE
OR THAT THERE IS A NATION THAT DESERVES TO HAVE A STATE, AND
RECENTLY HE'S ALSO NOTED THAT HE THINKS THAT THE SO I'VE UNION OR
THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE SHOULD BE RECONSTITUTED.
SO IF PUTIN ISN'T STOPPED NOW, I THINK HE WILL CONTINUE TO GO ON
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE HISTORY HAS SHOWN US.
GEORGIA IN 2008, UKRAINE IN 2014 AND UKRAINE AGAIN IN 2022.
IF HE'S NOT STOPPED, HE'LL KEEP ON GOING.
BUT THE OTHER THING IS THAT HE HAS MADE CLEAR THAT THE
INTERNATIONAL RULES-BASED ORDER WHICH IS ALSO SOMETHING FAMILIAR
TO OUR GENERATION, KIND OF OF A SYSTEM THAT WAS SET UP AFTER
WORLD WAR II FOR THE RULES OF THE ROAD FOR HOW COUNTRIES DEAL
WITH EACH OTHER, THAT THAT DOESN'T REALLY WORK FOR HIM.
HE WANTS TO BE IN A MIGHT MAKES RIGHT SITUATION, GET WHATEVER HE
WANTS, AND THAT IS A REAL THREAT, I THINK, TO THE FREE
WORLD BECAUSE THE RULES-BASED INTERNATIONAL SYSTEM HAS KEPT US
FREER, MORE PROSPEROUS AND MORE SECURE SINCE WORLD WAR II.
AND IF PUTIN PREVAILS, I THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE A SYSTEM THAT
COULD VERY WELL HAVE AUTOCRATS DECIDING WHAT KIND OF RULES WE
LIVE BY, AND THAT WOULD NOT BE GOOD FOR THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: YOUR NEW BOOK IS CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE."
IN 2019, YOU YOURSELF WERE THE VICTIM OF A SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
RUDOPH JEW GIULIANI TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT YOU
BLOCKED EFFORTS TO GET UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN, AND
YOU WERE THEN FIRED. LATER, THE JULY 25th CALL
REVEALED THAT THE PRESIDENT PRESSURED UKRAINE FOR THOSE
INVESTIGATIONS BY WITHHOLDING MILITARY AID.
HOW IS ALL OF THAT RELATED TO THIS WAR?
>> WELL, I THINK THAT WHAT EVERYBODY SAW WITH THE RELEASE
OF THE TRANSCRIPT OF WHAT WE NOW KNOW AS THE "PERFECT CALL," I
THINK THAT WHAT WE SEE IS THAT PUTIN, LIKE OTHER AUTOCRATS
AROUND THE WORLD AND, FRANKLY, OTHER BAD ACTORS AROUND THE
WORLD AND IN THE UNITED STATES, THEY REALIZE THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WAS READY TO USE OUR NATIONAL SECURITY FOR HIS OWN
PERSONAL AND POLITICAL GAIN. YOU WILL RECALL THE PHRASE, YOU
KNOW, "CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH."
>> Stephen: YES. O, CLEARLY, THE QUID PRO QUO
IS THERE. AND I THINK THAT REALLY
UNDERMINED OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND OUR ABILITIES TO MOVE
FORWARD, WHEN PEOPLE COULD SEE THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES WAS READY TO, YOU KNOW, NOT BE ACTING IN THE INTERESTS
OF THE NATION BUT IN HIS OWN PERSONAL BEST INTERESTS.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS JOE BIDEN HAS TO DO IN THE FIRST
YEAR IS TO PATCH OUR N.A.T.O. ALLIANCE AND MAKE SURE WE'RE
COMMITTED AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMMITTED.
PUTIN WANTED TO UNDERMINE THAT. N.A.T.O. HAS BROUGHT WORLD
TOGETHER IN A WAY THEY HAVEN'T PROBABLY SINCE THE BOSNIAN
PUBLIC. MANY POLITICIANS IN THE UNITED
STATES ON THE RIGHT CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT
AND, STRANGELY, AT TIMES, VLADIMIR PUTIN HIMSELF.
HOW DOES THAT TRAINING FEEL UNDERMINE OUR POSITIONS WITH OUR
ALLIES AND OUR STANDING IN THE WORLD?
>> WELL, I THINK PEOPLE REALLY WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IN
THE UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES? >> I WISH I KNEW AND COULD TELL
YOU. THAT IS NOT ONE TO HAVE THE
LESSONS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT'S WORRISOME THAT PEOPLE WOULD HOLD UP PUTIN AS A STRONG
MAN AND AS SOMEBODY TO BE ADMIRED AND EMULATED, PEOPLE
SHOSHED KNOW BETTER. >> Stephen: HOPEFULLY THIS
WILL STRIP THE MASK OFF HIM AND PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO FACE THE
HAIR ROAR THAT AUTOCRATIC REGIMES ARE.
>> THAT'S WHAT I HOPE, ALTHOUGH AT A VERY HIGH COST TO UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL HAVE THE AMBASSADOR ABOUT
THE FIRST TIME SHE MET PRESIDENT ZELENSKY.
STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! SNRFNLTS WE'RE BACK WITH THE
AUHOR OF "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE," AMBASSADOR MARIE
YOVANOVITCH. IN THE BOOK YOU WRITE THAT YOU
MET ZELENSKY WHEN HE WAS A CANDIDATE.
WHAT WERE YOUR FIRST IMPRESSIONS?
>> WELL, I WAS EXPECTING A FUNNY GUY TO WALK INTO THE ROOM
BECAUSE HE'S A COMEDIAN, AND HE WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT THE POINT HE
WANTED TO MAKE WITH ME WAS THAT HE WAS A BUSINESSMAN.
HE HAD SET UP A -- HE HAD ESTABLISHED A MEDIA
CONGLOMERATE, MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR ENTERPRISE,
ALL BASED ON HIS OWN TALENT AND HARD WORK, AND HE HAD EXECUTIVE
SKILLS. SOON THEREAFTER, HE ANNOUNCED
THAT HE WOULD BE RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENCY, AND IT WAS CLEAR
THAT THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
THEY WANTED TO KEEP ON GOING, YOU KNOW, FOR THEIR -- IN THEIR
DEMOCRACY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE
APPEAL OF A COMEDIAN? HOW BAD WERE THINGS IN THE
POLITICAL LANDSCAPE THERE THAT THEY WENT, WELL, LET'S GIVE THE
CLOWN A TRY? ( LAUGHTER )
>> WELL, INTERESTINGLY, THERE ARE SIMILARITIES HERE WITH THE
UNITED STATES BECAUSE THE POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT IN
UKRAINE NEVER BELIEVED AND COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT ZELENSKY
WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO WIN. TO OUTSIEFERREDZ, IT WAS VERY
CLEAR WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. KIND OF SOUNDS FAMILIAR, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: MM-HMM. O I THINK THAT THE UKRAINIAN
PEOPLE WANTED TO KEEP ON GOING. THEY WANTED TO -- THEY HAD THE
REVOLUTION OF DIGNITY, WHICH MEANS RULE OF LAW, EVERYBODY'S
TREATED EQUALLY IN 2014. THEY WANTED REFORMS TO CONTINUE.
THEY WANTED TO LOOK WEST. THEY WANTED TO HAVE A LIBERAL
DEMOCRACY SO THAT THEY WOULD HAVE OPPORTUNITIES FOR THEIR
CHILDREN AND THERE WOULDN'T BE CORRUPTION IN THE COUNTRY.
AND WHILE THERE WERE REFORMS, THEY NEVER MOVED FORWARD IN A
STRAIGHT LINE, AND, SO, PEOPLE GOT RESTLESS AND WERE LOOKING
FOR THE NEXT CANDIDATE. AND ZELENSKY HAD A TV SHOW
CALLED A SERVANT OF THE PEOPLE AND HE PLAYED A TEACHER WHO ALL
OF A SUDDEN THROUGH AN ACCIDENT OF FATE BECAME PRESIDENT, AND
THEN LIFE IMITATED ART AND HE BECAME THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE,
AND HE WAS A PROTEST CANDIDATE. HE RAN ON A SIMPLE PLATFORM OF
WE'RE GOING TO END CORRUPTION AND BRING PEACE TO UKRAINE.
VERY SIMPLE, VERY APPEALING MESSAGES.
>> Stephen: I NOTICE YOU'VE GOT A BRACELET HERE, RATHER
UNUSUAL BRACELET THERE. >> IT IS.
>> Stephen: CAN I -- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY IT, I JUST
NOTICED WHAT IT SAYS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY WHAT IT
SAYS? >> I'M GOING TO LET YOU SAY THAT
BECAUSE I'M THE DIPLOMAT. >> Stephen: WELL, WHERE DID
YOU GET THIS BRACELET? >> THIS IS A "MADE IN UKRAINE"
BRACELET AND IT SAYS -- >> Stephen: YOU GOT THIS IN
UKRAINE. >> I GOT IT IN UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: WHAT YEAR DID YOU BUY THIS?
>> I THINK IN 2017, BUT I BULK ORDERED THEM AND GAVE THEM TO
ALL VISITORS, INCLUDING OUR CONGRESS PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: IT SAYS ( BLEEP ) YOU PUTIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LOVELY.
>> AND IT'S FOR YOU. >> Stephen: IT'S FOR WHAT?
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU. >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE IT,
THANK YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEFORE WE GO, ARE THERE ANY UKRAINIAN SAYINGS OR QUOTES THAT
INSPIRE YOU? BECAUSE I KNOW IT HAS A LONG
HISTORY OF ART AND POETRY AND LITERATURE.
>> IT DOES. IT HAS A LONG AND PROUD AND
BEAUTIFUL CULTURE. SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME HOW ARE
THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE RESISTING LIKE THIS, I REMIND THEM ABOUT
THE POET LAUREATE IN THE 1800s AND CONTINUES TO BE THE
COUNTRY'S MOST FAVORITE POET, AND HIS MOST FAMOUS LINE IS
"FIGHT ON AND YOU WILL PREVAIL." AND THAT'S WHAT UKRAINIAN
CHILDREN ARE BROUGHT UP ON. >> Stephen: AMBASSADOR, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. THANK YOU FOR THIS.
THE BOOK, "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE" IS AVAILABLE THIS TUESDAY.
AMBASSADOR MARIE YOVANOVITCH EVERYBODY!
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE MARTHA STEWART THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
MY GUEST -- MY GUEST IS AN AUTHOR, ENTREPRENEUR AND
LIFESTYLE EXPERT HERE TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MARTHA STEWART,
EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
MARTHA, THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.
>> YEAH, I ALMOST DIDN'T. >> Stephen: YOU ALMOST DIDN'T
COME BACK? BECAUSE OUR LAST DATE WAS TOO
GOOD? >> TOO GOOD.
>> Stephen: NOW, MADAM, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
I REALLY ENJOY HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW, BUT LIKE SO MANY GUESTS I
REALLY ENJOY WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REALLY GET TO
KNOW EACH OTHER AS TRUE FRIENDS WOULD.
SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, THE SCIENTISTS IN "THE LATE SHOW"
LABS HAVE COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED IN ORDER TO PLUM THE DEPTHS OF A GUEST'S SOUL SO THAT
AT THE END OF IT YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
MARTHA STEWART, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT?
>> SHOULD I BE? >> St
>> Stephen: IF NOT, HERE'S THE DOOR.
>> I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. >> Stephen: EXCELLENT.
THANK YOU, MAR THIS. THIS IS A BIG ONE.
LET'S START OFF WITH A BIGGIE. MARTHA STEWART, WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH? >> LIVERWURST ON WHITE BREAD
WITH MUSTARD AND MAYONNAISE AND LETTUCE.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT? >> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE SAID
SMASH BROWN SWAGGER WITH KETCHUP ON WHEAT TOAST.
>> REALLY? >> Stephen: AS LONG AS WE'RE
GOING LIVER. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW
OUT? >> I'M A HOARDER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A HOARDER? BUT A NEAT HOARDER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A NEAT HOARDER, SURE.
SO THAT CERTAINLY LEADS TO THE QUESTION, WHAT TO HAVE THE
THINGS YOU ARE HOARDER SHOULD YOU REALLY THROW OUT?
>> MAYBE OLD MAGAZINES. NOT MINE BUT OTHERS.
>> Stephen: LIKE, HOW OLD? I HAVE MANY OLD MAGAZINES.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU LIKE THE COLLIER BROTHERSY OU HAVE
THINGS STACKED UP AROUND THE HOUSE?
>> I HAVE THE EARLY "SATURDAY EVENING POSTS."
>> Stephen: SO YOUR HOUSE IS A FIRE HAZARD IS WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS.
LET'S SEE, WHAT WOULD BE SCARY. >> Stephen: SHARKS?
HARKS ARE LOVELY. >> Stephen: SNAKES?
I'M REALLY NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS.
>> Stephen: C FLIES. NO.
>> Stephen: WORMS THAT CRAWL INTO YOUR EYE.
>> I'M NOT GETTING CLOSE TO THAT WOMAN.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S NOT UP TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> DO I LIKE DNR. >> Stephen: PICK APPLES OR
ORANGES. >> ORANGES.
>> Stephen: OKAY. THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: OH, WHO DID YOU ASK.
>> I ASKED SNOOP. >> Stephen: SNOOP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> MANY TIMES.
EVERYBODY WANTS HIS AUTOGRAPH. >> Stephen: WOW, AND YOU'VE
ASKED FOR IT MANY TIMES. >> MANY TIMES.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KEEP LOSING IT?
>> NO, I KEEP GIVING IT TO PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANYONE FOR YOURSELF?
>> RUSSELL CROWE. >> Stephen: DID HE GIVE IT TO
YOU? >> MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU RUN INTO RUSSELL CROWE?
>> HE WAS ON MY SHOW. IF I REALLY LIKE THE GUYS, I ASK
FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT I WAS ON YOUR SHOW AND
YOU DID NOT ASK FOR MY AUTOGRAPH.
( LAUGHTER ) (APPLAUSE )
>> HUH-OH, CAUGHTUM. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WE GO TO HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: GO TO HEAVEN? MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: IF WE'RE GOOD OR EVERYBODY GOES TO HEAVEN?
>> NO, ONLY NICE PEOPLE. >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE. >> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
OH, DR. STRANGE LOVE. >> Stephen: THAT BROADLY FITS
INTO THE CATEGORY OF ACTION MOVIE.
BECAUSE SLIM PICKENS RIDES THE BOMB DOWN AT THE END, I SUPPOSE.
WINDOW OR AISLE SEAT? AND I UNDERSTAND IT'S A PRIVATE
PLANE. >> ALWAYS WINDOW BECAUSE I LIKE
TO SEE WHERE I'M GOING. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL.
GARDENIA OR TUBER ROSE. >> Stephen: MY MOTHER LOVED A
GARDENIA CORSAGE. WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?
>> TUBER ROSE WHICH SMELLS LIKE A GARDENIA.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT FAMILIAR. WELL YOU SHOULD FAMILIARIZE
YOURSELF. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE A
BOOK I COULD BUY? >> NO, I'LL SEND YOU A TUBER
ROSE. >> Stephen: THIS YEAR I WON'T
FIND ONE. >> YEAH, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND
ONE. >> Stephen: OKAY.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. >> RANCID GARBAGE.
STREETS OF NEW YORK. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN THE SMELL BETWEEN
RANCID GARBAGE AND THE LIVERWURST SANDWICH YOU WERE
DESCRIBING? >> DEPENDS ON THE LIVERWURST.
>> Stephen: OKAY. WHAT'S THE MOST USED APP ON YOUR
PHONE. >> MOST USED APP ON MY PHONE.
IT'S SILLY. IT'S LIKE THE "NEW YORK TIMES."
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT SILLY. IT'S THE NEWSPAPER OF RECORD.
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO APP. CATS OR DOGS?
>> OH, THAT'S REALLY HARD BECAUSE I HAVE BOTH.
>> Stephen: OKAY. BUT I THINK I TEND TOWARDS
THE CATS. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONLY ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT IS IT?
>> OH, IT WOULD BE MAYBE BACH O- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO NARROW
IT DONE. >> SOMETHING BAROQUE.
>> Stephen: GOLDBERG VARIATIONS.
>> MAYBE. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? >> 3244.
>> Stephen: NO. ( LAUGHTER )
MARTHA STEWART, DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> BEAUTIFUL, EXCITING, CURIOUS, LONG.
( LAUGHTER ) FUTURISTIC.
>> Stephen: MARTHA, YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
FOR MORE MARTHA, VISIT MARTHA.com.
MARTHA STEWART. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANK YOU, MARTHA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: HIS ALBUM, "WHO CARES?" IS OUT NOW.
PERFORMING "ONE IN A MILLION," REX ORANGE COUNTY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ MY HEART KEEPS DRIVING ME CRAZY
♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH I CAN DO,
♪ I'M AWARE THERE'S NO ONE
♪ QUITE LIKE YOU YOU'RE ONE OF ONE,
♪ ONE IN A MILLION ♪ I'M ALONE WITH YOU
WAKING UP, ♪ AND HANGING OUT
AT HOME WITH YOU ♪ YOU DON'T EVER
DO NO WRONG TO ME ♪ I WISH THAT
I COULD JUST SAY THE SAME ♪ BUT IT'S OKAY,
I'M TRYING TO DO ♪ WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO BELIEVE THAT I'M ENOUGH, ♪ AND HOPE YOU AGREE
I'VE FALLEN FOR YOU, ♪ I'M DAZED AND CONFUSED
IT'S CRAZY ♪ WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME
♪ MY HEART KEEPS DRIVING ME CRAZY
♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH I CAN DO,
♪ I'M AWARE (UH) THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE YOU
♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON,
♪ WOAH-OH-OH ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON
(OOH, OOH)
♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON,
♪ WOAH-OH-OH BABY I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT
♪ I WON'T SLEEP AND I'M NOT TIRED
♪ WHAT THE [NO AUDIO] SHOULD WE WAIT FOR?
♪ I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE IT'S THE ONLY THING I NEED
♪ IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IT'S MY ONE AND ONLY WISH
♪ IT'S SUCH A CRAZY WAY TO BE ♪ WAKING UP,
AND HANGING OUT ♪ AT HOME WITH YOU
YOU DON'T EVER ♪ DO NO WRONG TO ME
I WISH THAT I COULD ♪ JUST SAY THE SAME
BUT IT'S OKAY, ♪ I'M TRYING TO DO WHATEVER
IT TAKES TO BELIEVE ♪ THAT I'M ENOUGH,
AND HOPE YOU AGREE ♪ I'VE FALLEN FOR YOU,
I'M DAZED AND CONFUSED ♪ AND SAME WITH WHAT
YOU'RE DOIN' TO ME ♪ MY HEART KEEPS
DRIVING ME CRAZY ♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH
I CAN DO, ♪ I'M AWARE
THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE YOU ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE,
ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, ♪ WOAH-OH-OH
MY HEART KEEPS ♪ DRIVING ME CRAZY
THERE'S NOTHING MUCH ♪ I CAN DO,
I'M AWARE ♪ THERE'S NO ONE
QUITE LIKE YOU ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE,
ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
REX ORANGE COUNTY, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE AIDY BRYANT AND COMEDIAN
ALEX EDELMAN. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.