1 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:04,504 SOME OF UKRAINES MOST PROMINENT BALLERINAS ARE TRADING 2 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:08,742 DANCE FOR DEFENSE, ARMING THEMSELVES AGAINST THE RUSSIAN 3 00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:11,010 MILITARY. >> THEY'RE THE BUTTERFLIES OF 4 00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,380 KYIV, PERFORMING FOR THE FINAL TIME IN FRANCE, PUTTING THEIR 5 00:00:13,446 --> 00:00:17,384 LIFE'S WORK ON HOLD TO DEFEND THEIR COUNTRY. 6 00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:21,388 >> AND NOW THE UKRAINIAN NATIONAL BALLET PRESENTS "THE 7 00:00:21,454 --> 00:00:29,362 NUTCRACKER." ( NUTCRACKER THEME PLAYING ) 8 00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:35,235 >> OH! OH! 9 00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:37,036 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 10 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:51,985 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, MARTHA STEWART TAKES 11 00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,153 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, MARTHA STEWART TAKES 12 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:57,290 THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES AMBASSADOR 13 00:00:57,357 --> 00:01:03,763 MARIE YOVANOVITCH! AND MUSICAL GUEST REX ORANGE 14 00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:07,734 COUNTY, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 15 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:13,206 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 16 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:21,381 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 17 00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:29,355 >> Stephen: HEY! NICE TO SEE YOU! 18 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:37,363 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MY! 19 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:40,934 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO! 20 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,137 HELLO, JOE. HELLO, LOUIS. 21 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:47,674 GOOD TO SEE YOU. WELCOME ONE AND ALL. 22 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:52,912 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST 23 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:56,216 STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 24 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,686 WE MAY BE THE HOME OF THE BRAVE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, BUT 25 00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:01,354 YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIRE THE TOUGHNESS OF THE UKRAINIAN 26 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:06,993 PEOPLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 27 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:13,366 WHEN PUTIN LAUNCHED HIS MONSTROUS WAR, 28 00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:14,734 EVERYONE WAS SAYING KYIV WOULD FALL WITHIN 48 TO 72 HOURS. 29 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:21,374 BUT IT'S DAY 15, AND THEY'RE STILL STANDING STRONG. 30 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:26,446 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN WITH 150,000 OF PUTIN'S 31 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:30,783 SOLDIERS IN THE COUNTRY, THE RUSSIANS CONTROL, AT MOST, ABOUT 32 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:36,589 10% OF UKRAINE. HEY, PUTIN -- HOW YOU LIKE THEM 33 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,790 TURNIPS? ( LAUGHTER ) 34 00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:49,369 SO FAR, THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY SAYS THEY HAVE SHOT DOWN OR 35 00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:51,170 DESTROYED, 48 RUSSIAN AIRPLANES AND 80 HELICOPTERS; CAPTURED OR 36 00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:52,705 DESTROYED 303 RUSSIAN TANKS AND HUNDREDS OF MECHANIZED VEHICLES 37 00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,873 AND CARS; AND HAVE TAKEN OUT TWO RUSSIAN NAVAL VESSELS. 38 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:58,311 THAT'S GOTTA ESPECIALLY STIN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 39 00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:01,414 THAT'S GOT TO ESPECIALLY STING PUTIN. 40 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,950 WE ALL KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIS 'NAVAL." 41 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:07,353 ( LAUGHTER ) AND GET THIS -- 42 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:11,724 THE UKRAINIANS DIDN'T SINK JUST ANY SHIP, BECAUSE THE RUSSIAN 43 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:16,629 WARSHIP THAT WAS TOLD TO GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF 44 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,765 AT SNAKE ISLAND HAS BEEN DESTROYED. 45 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:19,566 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW. 46 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:23,536 >> Stephen: SO, IT MAY NOT HAVE DONE 47 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:28,808 EXACTLY WHAT THE UKRAINIANS WANTED, BUT IT "DID" GO DOWN ON 48 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:33,379 ITSELF. ( LAUGHTER ) 49 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:36,215 THE FAILURE OF THE VAUNTED RUSSIAN WAR MACHINE TO OVERWHELM 50 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:39,752 THE MUCH SMALLER UKRAINE HAS SHOCKED THE WORLD. 51 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,921 AFTER SEEING THE SLOW PROGRESS, ONE OF RUSSIA'S FORMER COMBAT 52 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:47,860 LEADERS GAVE THIS ASSESSMENT: >> YOU WILL LOSE. 53 00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:49,362 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: APPARENTLY, RUSSIA'S 54 00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:53,399 MILITARY PROBLEMS GO DEEP. EARLY IN THE INVASION, WE 55 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:57,370 LEARNED THAT SOME TROOPS CROSSED THE BORDER WITH M.R.E.S THAT 56 00:03:57,437 --> 00:04:05,178 EXPIRED IN 2002. IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR 57 00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:06,779 DINNER IS OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST. THE RUSSIANS ARE ALSO APPARENTLY 58 00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:09,616 LOW ON FUEL. WHICH COULD BE WHY THEIR GIANT 59 00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:13,820 CONVOY REMAINS STUCK IN A COLUMN AROUND 20 MILES OUTSIDE KYIV 60 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:17,357 THAT HAS BARELY MOVED SINCE LAST WEEK. 61 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,459 HAHA! ( LAUGHTER ) 62 00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:23,262 THEY'RE STUCK IN A TANK CONGA LINE! 63 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:24,897 ( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLIC OF CONGA. 64 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:25,898 "C'MON SHAKE YOUR BODY PUTIN DO THE CONGA! 65 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:28,301 I KNOW YOU CAN'T STAY IN POWER ANY LONGER. 66 00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:29,869 VLAD!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 67 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:35,708 ♪♪ ♪♪ 68 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:40,413 ( BAND PLAYING CONGA ) >> Stephen: WHOA! 69 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,817 GOT SOME RECIPROCAL ACTION BACK HERE. 70 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:46,019 ( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WHEN THE CONVOY DOES GET 71 00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:47,353 MOVING, IT'S BEEN SLOWED DOWN BY WHAT MILITARY EXPERTS HAVE 72 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:52,792 DESCRIBED AS CHEAP CHINESE TIRES, WHICH ARE A BAD COPY OF 73 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:53,960 THE MICHELIN XZL MILITARY TIRE. THEY'VE EVEN GOT THEIR OWN 74 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:59,699 BOOTLEG MASCOT: THE MARSHMELLIN FELLOW. 75 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,436 ( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS RUSSIA USING SUCH CHEAP 76 00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:07,173 EQUIPMENT? WELL, RUSSIA'S FORMER FOREIGN 77 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,375 MINISTER SAYS THAT WHILE PUTIN HAS DEDICATED BILLIONS OF 78 00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:13,379 DOLLARS TO MODERNIZING RUSSIA'S FORCES, MUCH OF THAT BUDGET WAS 79 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:19,385 STOLEN BY OLIGARCHS AND SPENT ON MEGA-YACHTS IN CYPRUS. 80 00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:22,021 AND NOW THAT HIS INNER CIRCLE IS RICH, PUTIN CAN'T RELY ON THEM, 81 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:25,358 CUZ MAINTAINING A LUXURIOUS LIFESTYLE DISINCENTIVIZES TOP 82 00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:29,362 SECURITY OFFICIALS FROM GIVING EXPERT ADVICE THAT MIGHT 83 00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:33,366 DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT. THAT'S RIGHT, THEY'RE PLAYING 84 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:37,370 RUSSIA'S MOST POPULAR GAME: "DON'T DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT!" 85 00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:46,312 IVAN, TELL THE OLIGARCHS WHAT THEY STAND TO LOSE! 86 00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,747 (RUSSIAN ACCENT) "IF YOU MAKE PUTIN 87 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,382 MAD, YOU COULD LOSE YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS YOUR LUXURIOUS BROYHILL 88 00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:53,019 SEX BOAT! SEX BOAT: 89 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,823 THE BOAT FOR MAKING SEX. BACK TO YOU 90 00:05:56,889 --> 00:06:00,359 STEPAN!" >> Stephen: THANK YOU, IVAN. 91 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,994 SEX BOAT. SEX BOAT. 92 00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:06,165 >> Jon: OH, WOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 93 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:09,469 >> Stephen: BUT THE BIGGEST REASON THE 94 00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,604 RUSSIAN MILITARY IS BOGGED DOWN IS THE CASUAL COURAGE OF THEIR 95 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,372 UKRAINIAN OPPONENTS. CASE IN POINT, CHECK OUT THIS 96 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:17,677 FOOTAGE OF AN EXPLOSIVES DISPOSAL TEAM DISARMING A 97 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:21,214 RUSSIAN BOMB WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR HANDS AND A BOTTLE OF 98 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,750 WATER. FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS MAYBE THE 99 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:25,384 BRAVEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. SECOND, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE 100 00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:29,155 HOW GOOD THIS GUY IS AT JENGA ( LAUGHTER ) 101 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,458 HE'S PULLIN' OUT THAT BOTTOM BLOCK FIRST ROUND! 102 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,260 COME ON! ( LAUGHTER ) 103 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,728 YOU CAN TELL THESE GUYS ARE PROS, BECAUSE THEY PUT THAT 104 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:39,966 LITTLE SHEET OVER THE BOMB. ( LAUGHTER ) 105 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,969 A LITTLE BLANKIE. A LITTLE BLANKIE. 106 00:06:43,035 --> 00:06:45,371 THAT WAY, IF YOU CAN'T DIFFUSE IT, YOU CAN JUST SING IT A 107 00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:47,774 LULLABY AND IT'LL FALL ASLEEP. ALSO, LET'S NOT OVERLOOK THE 108 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:53,379 BRAVERY OF THE CAMERAMAN HERE. DO THEY NOT HAVE TRIPODS IN 109 00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:57,517 UKRAINE? "I'M GOOD, I'VE GOT THE SCREEN 110 00:06:57,583 --> 00:07:01,020 PROTECTOR ON." ( LAUGHTER ) 111 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,057 IT'S NOT JUST TRAINED SOLDIERS. EVERYDAY UKRAINIANS ARE STEPPING 112 00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,593 UP TO DEFEND THEIR HOMELAND. AND A NEW GROUP JUST JOINED THE 113 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,762 FRAY, BECAUSE UKRAINIAN BALLERINAS ARE LEAVING THE STAGE 114 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:15,501 FOR THE FRONT LINES. PUTIN DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE! 115 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:24,477 THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO TOOK DOWN THE MOUSE KING. 116 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:28,047 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S RUSSELL MEYER! 117 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,382 IT'S NOT THE FIRST INSTANCE OF BALLERINAS GOING TO WAR. 118 00:07:29,448 --> 00:07:33,386 WHO CAN FORGET THE CLASSIC VIDEO GAME 119 00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:36,222 "CALL OF DUTY: BLACK SWAN." ( LAUGHTER ) 120 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,490 CHECK OUT THE INCREDIBLE TRANSFORMATION OF 121 00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:42,695 KYIV BALLET'S PRINCIPAL DANCER OLEKSY POTYOMKIN. 122 00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:47,099 HERE HE IS ON STAGE, ALREADY PACKING SOME HEAT. 123 00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:49,368 ( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE HE IS READY FOR BATTLE. 124 00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:53,506 JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM OUT? IMPRESSIVE. 125 00:07:53,573 --> 00:08:00,613 THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 126 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:04,550 >> Jon: GET IT, GET IT! YEAH, YEAH! 127 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:08,487 GET UP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 128 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:19,365 >> Stephen: MORE AND MORE COMPANIES 129 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,933 COMPANIES ARE PULLING THEIR INVESTMENTS OUT OF RUSSIA. 130 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,001 LIKE NESTLE, MAKERS OF KIT KAT, SMARTIES, AND AERO. 131 00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,302 SO GOODBYE, WEIRD EURO CHOCOLATE BARS. 132 00:08:23,369 --> 00:08:24,503 NEXT YEAR'S RUSSIAN HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE DISMAL 133 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:26,005 THAN USUAL. (AS RUSSIAN) 134 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:31,644 "TRICK OR TREAT! YAY! IS POTATO." 135 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,714 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT TO GET T-SHIRTS MADE 136 00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,917 UP -- "IS POTATO ." ANOTHER FOOD COMPANY BOWING OUT 137 00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:39,986 IS YUM BRANDS, THE PARENT COMPANY OF K.F.C.. 138 00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:41,654 THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA. YOU'VE INCURRED THE WRATH OF ONE 139 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:45,892 OF AMERICA'S MOST DECORATED OFFICERS: COLONEL SANDERS. 140 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:49,896 HIS VENGEANCE WILL BE EXTRA CRISPY. 141 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,797 DON'T MAKE US SEND IN CAP'N CRUNCH. 142 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,399 WITH JUICE, TOAST, AND MILK, HE'S PART OF A BALANCED 143 00:08:53,466 --> 00:09:00,306 ASS-WHOOPING! RUSSIANS WILL STILL BE ABLE TO 144 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,407 GET THEIR FAVORITE FOOD: CIGARETTES. 145 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,043 BECAUSE CAMEL SAID THEIR BUSINESS THERE WILL CONTINUE 146 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,311 TO OPERATE. WELL, THAT'S LUCKY. 147 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,980 'CUZ AT THIS POINT, CAMEL CASH IS WORTH MORE THAN THE 148 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,582 RUBLE. GIVEN ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH, 149 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:11,918 IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT HATE FOR PUTIN'S RUSSIA HAS CONSUMED 150 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:16,055 UKRAINE. AND HATE IS A POWERFUL EMOTION. 151 00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,657 WE ALL REMEMBER THE FAMOUS QUOTE FROM STAR WARS: 152 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:21,360 >> FEAR LEADS TO ANGER. ANGER LEADS TO HATE. 153 00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:25,398 AND HATE PUTIN I DO. SUCK IT VLAD! 154 00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:31,704 SUCK IT...YOU SHOULD." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 155 00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:35,708 >> Stephen: WOW! WOW! 156 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:42,715 IT FINALLY WORKED! THE NEW YORK TIMES INTERVIEWED A 157 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:45,384 UKRAINIAN PSYCHOLOGIST ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF HER FELLOW CITIZENS, 158 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,552 AND SHE SAID >> "ANGER AND HATE IN THIS 159 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:47,720 SITUATION IS A NORMAL REACTION AND IMPORTANT TO 160 00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:49,388 VALIDATE. BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO CHANNEL 161 00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:53,426 IT INTO SOMETHING USEFUL, SUCH AS MAKING INCENDIARY BOMBS OUT 162 00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:57,063 OF EMPTY BOTTLES." >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A GOOD 163 00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,331 THERAPIST. (AS PSYCHOLOGIST) 164 00:09:58,397 --> 00:10:00,700 "IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S CONSTANT PRESSURE FOR YOU TO 165 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,636 HAVE CHILDREN, TOUCHES ON SOME UNRESOLVED ANXIETY. 166 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:07,606 HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CUTTING HER BRAKE CABLES?" 167 00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:08,874 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 168 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:14,046 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE 169 00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,048 YOVANOVITCH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 170 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,618 MEANWHILE! JOIN US. 171 00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:01,861 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 172 00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:10,236 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 173 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,804 HELLO, JON! >> Jon: HEY! 174 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:18,711 >> Stephen: HELLO, FRIENDO! GOOD TO SEE YA. 175 00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:22,114 JON, WE ARE PRIVILEGED THIS EVENING, FOR OUR GUESTS, WE HAVE 176 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:26,052 FORMER AMBASSADOR FROM THE UNITED STATES TO UKRAINE MARIE 177 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,154 YOVANOVITCH IS GOING TO BE HERE. >> Jon: OH, WOW. 178 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:32,825 >> Stephen: SHE'S GOT A NEW BOOK CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE 179 00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,493 EDGE." 30 YEARS IN THE STATE 180 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,963 DEPARTMENT, MANY YEARS IN UKRAINE. 181 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,901 AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO TESTIFIED IN 182 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,337 THE FIRST TRIAL FOR IMPEACHMENT AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT 183 00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,640 BECAUSE SHE WAS ONE TO HAVE THE AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET FUNDS 184 00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,543 OVER THERE SO THEY COULD FIGHT THE RUSSIANS. 185 00:11:50,609 --> 00:11:54,246 LATER, I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO MARTHA 186 00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,749 STEWART. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 187 00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:59,752 >> Stephen: IS THIS ACCURATE? >> Jon: MM-HMM. 188 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:00,986 GOOD. >> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW FOLKS, I 189 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,988 SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, WITH MY EARS, MIND, 190 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,723 AND HEART OPEN TO THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AUDITIONING AND 191 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,959 SELECTING ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL NEWS-OBOES, THE MOST RELEVANT 192 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,727 AND LILTING VIOLAS, ROUNDING IT OUT WITH SOME NOBLE FRENCH 193 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:12,098 HORNS, AND INSOUCIANT BASSOONS, THEN COMPOSING AND 194 00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:15,067 ARRANGING THE NEWSIEST, MOST UPLIFTING YET BITTERSWET 195 00:12:15,134 --> 00:12:17,236 RONDOS, ALLEGROS, SCHERZOS, AND SONATAS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE 196 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:20,673 TIMELESSLY MOVING YET INFORMATIVE POST-MODERN OPUS 197 00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:23,809 NUMBER ONE SYMPHONY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 198 00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:26,278 BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP AT THE WHEEL OF A STOLEN CEMENT TRUCK, 199 00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,747 SNORT ANOTHER RAIL OF KETAMINE AND BATH SALTS, THEN I STRIP 200 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:31,317 DOWN AND SCAMPER THROUGH A CEMETERY TRAPPING RATS UNDER 201 00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:33,285 RUSTY COFFEE CANS. AFTER AN IMPASSIONED SPEECH 202 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,722 ABOUT NEEDING THEIR HELP TO SAVE THE OLD THEATER, THEY 203 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,091 ACCOMPANY ME ON A RAID OF A PRESCHOOL MUSIC ROOM TO STEAL 204 00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:42,761 ITS FLUTES, RECORDERS, AND KAZOOS, WHERE I CONDUCT THE 205 00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:47,333 FUGITIVE VERMIN PHILHARMONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 206 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:48,134 ♪♪ ♪♪ 207 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:57,276 MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 208 00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:03,082 SKERTO HAS NEVER BEEN USED ON A LATE NIGHT SHOW BEFORE. 209 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:07,486 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MEANWHILE!" -- 210 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:08,721 THE INTERNETS ARE ALIGHT WITH THE NEWS THAT 211 00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:10,789 "ELON MUSK AND GRIMES HAVE SECRETLY WELCOMED THEIR SECOND 212 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,291 CHILD." WHICH HAS MANY SAYING "WAIT, 213 00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:16,228 DIDN'T THEY BREAK UP? ALSO, DON'T I NOT CARE?" 214 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:20,132 ( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE GIRL'S NAME IS 215 00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:24,537 "EXA DARK SIDEREL" A MOVE TOWARD NORMAL FROM THEIR SON 216 00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:28,541 PHIL. ( LAUGHTER ) 217 00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,342 MOTHER AND BABY ARE DOING WELL, AND THAT CAT IS SURE GETTING 218 00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:34,213 BETTER AT WALKING ACROSS THE KEYBOARD. 219 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,749 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, OVER 100 YEARS AFTER 220 00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:39,084 ERNEST SHACKLETON'S ILL-FATED VOYAGE TO THE ANTARCTIC ENDED 221 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:44,723 WITH HIS SHIP GETTING CRUSHED AND SINKING IN THE ICE, THE 222 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:48,727 ENDURANCE HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND 10,000 FEET BELOW WHAT THE 223 00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:51,063 EXPERTS CALL "THE WORST PORTION OF THE WORST SEA IN THE 224 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:54,266 WORLD." AMAZING TESTAMENT TO THE SKILL 225 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,635 AND DETERMINATION OF THESE ARCHAEOLOGISTS, AND I JUST WANT 226 00:13:56,702 --> 00:14:01,607 TO SAY: ANY CHANCE YOU CAN COME FIND MY LEFT AIRPOD? 227 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,908 ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS TRAGICALLY LOST DURING AN 228 00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,743 EXPEDITION TO GET UP FROM THE BEST PART OF THE BEST COUCH IN 229 00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,446 THE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER ) 230 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,747 AND "FIND MY PHONE" JUST KEEPS FINDING MY CASE. 231 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:15,054 I KNOW WHERE THE CASE IS. I DON'T PUT THE CASE IN MY EAR. 232 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,890 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN ROCK AND ROLL 233 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,759 PLUMBING NEWS, A TOILET SHAPED LIKE METALLICA'S LARS ULRICH 234 00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:24,730 HAS BEEN ACQUIRED BY A DANISH MUSEUM. 235 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:30,269 OBVIOUSLY, IT'S LOVELY. I'VE ONLY ONE DESIGN, THOUGH. 236 00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:32,972 I THINK HIS ARMS SHOULD BE OPEN SO HE CAN EMBRACE YOU WHEN 237 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:39,044 YOU'RE DOING YOUR BUSINESS. THANK YOU, LARS. 238 00:14:39,111 --> 00:14:46,986 I WAS SO SCARED. ( LAUGHTER ) 239 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,754 MEANWHILE, A BIZARRE-LOOKING BAT THAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE A LOST 240 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,056 SPECIES HAS BEEN REDISCOVERED. SEEMS UNFAIR TO CALL THE BAT 241 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,592 "BIZARRE LOOKING" IN THE HEADLINE. 242 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:56,729 HOW BAD COULD IT--- HOLY BIG FACE! 243 00:14:56,795 --> 00:15:00,966 LOOK AT THAT...CHIN? THE HILL'S HORSESHOE BAT HASN'T 244 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:08,741 BEEN SEEN IN FOUR DECADES. ONE RESEARCHER SAID 245 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,743 "THE FACIAL FEATURES WERE EXAGGERATED TO THE 246 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:11,944 POINT OF COMICAL." THEIR FINDINGS WILL BE PUBLISHED 247 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:20,786 IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF HURTING ANIMALS' FEELINGS." 248 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:28,227 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE USED 249 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,395 AN ALGORITHM TO FIGURE OUT WHAT PIGS ARE SAYING. 250 00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:32,731 AFTER STUDYING RECORDINGS OF MORE THAN 7,000 GRUNTS 251 00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:34,066 THEY SAY THEY CAN MATCH EACH SOUND TO EMOTIONS SUCH AS BEING 252 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,467 HAPPY, EXCITED, SCARED OR STRESSED. 253 00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:39,104 SO PIGS ARE CAPABLE OF REAL, COMPLEX EMOTIONS. 254 00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:40,739 WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW MY BACON UNDERSTANDS HOW HAPPY IT'S 255 00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:49,148 MAKING ME. MEANWHILE, A WOMAN ON A 256 00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:51,583 NORWEGIAN CRUISE HAD A ROUGH DAY WHEN SHE HOPPED IN THE OL' 257 00:15:51,650 --> 00:16:00,326 WATERSLIDE AND DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT. 258 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,095 ENJOY BEING COOKED IN THE HABITRAIL OF DEATH. 259 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,930 ONLY THING WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU ON A CRUISE IS 260 00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:07,232 EVERYTHING ELSE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER 261 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,769 AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH. 262 00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:40,299 >> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 263 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:47,473 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 264 00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:53,812 FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR TO 265 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:59,918 UKRAINE WHOSE NEW BOOK IS CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE." 266 00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:04,022 PLEASE WELCOME AMBASSADOR MARIE YOVANOVITCH. 267 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:17,836 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 268 00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:21,140 >> Stephen: NOW, FOR THE FOLKS WHO DID NOT HEAR ME TALKING 269 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:25,110 ABOUT YOU AT THE TOP OF THE LAST ACT, THEY MIGHT REMEMBER YOU AS 270 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:28,213 SOMEONE FROM THE FIRST IMPEACHMENT OF THE FORMER 271 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,982 PRESIDENT, IMPEACHMENT CLASSIC, WE CALL IT. 272 00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:35,821 THERE YOU ARE GIVING TESTIMONY AT THE IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS. 273 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:39,258 ( APPLAUSE ) AND YOU SERVED AS AMBASSADOR TO 274 00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:42,528 UKRAINE FROM 2016 TO 2019. KYIV WAS YOUR HOME. 275 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,597 YOU WORKED ALONGSIDE THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE. 276 00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:52,371 AS YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE LAST TWO WEEKS, THIS MONSTROUS WAR THAT'S 277 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:55,641 BEEN LAUNCHED, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS NOT ONLY ON WHAT'S 278 00:17:55,707 --> 00:18:00,245 HAPPENING BUT OF THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE. 279 00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:04,216 >> WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS. 280 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:08,720 THERE'S THE BEFORE TWO WEEKS AGO AND THEN THE AFTER-PERIOD. 281 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:12,391 I'VE JUST BEEN DEVASTATED. THAT'S A WORD THAT'S BEEN 282 00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,427 OVERUSED IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS BUT IT'S THE ACCURATE ONE 283 00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:19,398 TO DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS. I FEEL EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN 284 00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:23,435 UKRAINE HAS A TARGET ON THEIR BACK, PRESIDENT PUTIN IS GOING 285 00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:27,239 IN AND INDISCRIMINATELY KILLING WOMEN, CHILDREN. 286 00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:32,377 WE SAW PREGNANT WOMEN WHEN THERE WAS A BOMBING IN MARIUPOL OF THE 287 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,948 MATERNITY HOSPITAL. SO IT'S BEEN PRETTY TOUGH TO 288 00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:38,817 WATCH AND SUPPORT AND BE IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE IN UKRAINE. 289 00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:44,022 BUT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT THEM, AND THE COURAGE THAT THEY ARE 290 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:49,728 SHOWING, THAT THEY WILL NOT ALLOW AN AUTOCRAT TO COME INTO 291 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:53,866 THEIR COUNTRY AND DICTATE HOW THEY'RE GOING TO LIVE, NO MATTER 292 00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:58,604 WHAT THE COST. ( APPLAUSE ) 293 00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:00,672 >> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE CONTACTS IN UKRAINE. 294 00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:04,710 WHAT ARE YOU HEARING FROM THEM? WHAT DO THEY WANT US TO KNOW? 295 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:09,014 >> WELL -- I BROUGHT MY PHONE, AND LET ME JUST READ A TEXT THAT 296 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:14,920 I GOT TODAY FROM A FRIEND WHO SH IN THE PARLIAMENT, AND IT'S A 297 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:18,290 LITTLE LONG. I HOPE YOU WILL BEAR WITH ME BUT 298 00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:20,792 THIS IS DIRECT FROM THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE. 299 00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:24,463 WE ARE OUTNUMBERED AND OUTGUNNED IN FRONT OF THE AGGRESS ER. 300 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,299 WE LACK AIR DEFENSE, ANTI-ROCKET, ANTI-TANK SYSTEMS 301 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:29,868 AND BASIC PROTECTION GEAR FOR OUR MILITARY. 302 00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:33,739 WE ARE INCREASINGLY THREATENED WITH CHEMICAL AND TACTICAL 303 00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,841 NUCLEAR ATTACKS. BUT WITH RESOLVE, COURAGE AND 304 00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:39,278 DEDICATION TO PROTECT OUR MOTHERLAND, OUR FREEDOMS AND THE 305 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,947 THE RIGHTS WE BELIEVE IN, UKRAINIAN SOCIETY IS STANDING UP 306 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:46,552 TO THIS BARBARIC TERRORIST WAR. WE WILL FIGHT TILL THE LAST 307 00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:51,223 BULLET AND THE LAST PERSON BUT WE ARE PLEADING TO THE FREE 308 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,526 WORLD -- THAT'S ALL OF US -- TO HELP US DEFEND THE VALUES THAT 309 00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:57,763 THE FREE WORLD SHARES TO STOP THIS APOCALYPSE. 310 00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:01,233 GOD HELP US AND GOD BLESS AMERICA. 311 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:08,373 STRAIGHT FROM UKRAINE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 312 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,376 >> Stephen: AND I AM FROM THE GENERATION LIKE YOU ARE WHERE 313 00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:15,981 THE IDEA OF THERE BEING A FREE WORLD IN OPPOSITION TO AN 314 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,717 AUTOCRATIC WORLD WAS AN EVERY DAY PART OF THE CONVERSATION. 315 00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,620 CERTAINLY IN POLITICAL OR FOREIGN POLICY CONVERSATIONS. 316 00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:24,556 ARE YOU SURPRISED WE'RE BACKE WE ARE RIGHT NOW? 317 00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:27,526 >> IN SOME WAYS I AM, BUT IN OTHER WAYS, HAVING WATCHED PUTIN 318 00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:30,862 OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS OR SO, NOT SO SURPRISED. 319 00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:35,334 HE'S HAD AN OBSESSION WITH UKRAINE. 320 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,704 HE'S -- OVER THE YEARS. HE HAS MADE CLEAR THAT HE, AS 321 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:41,940 YOU NOTED, DOESN'T BELIEVE THERE IS A DISTINCT UKRAINIAN PEOPLE 322 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:48,880 OR THAT THERE IS A NATION THAT DESERVES TO HAVE A STATE, AND 323 00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:52,951 RECENTLY HE'S ALSO NOTED THAT HE THINKS THAT THE SO I'VE UNION OR 324 00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:56,555 THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE SHOULD BE RECONSTITUTED. 325 00:20:56,622 --> 00:21:00,392 SO IF PUTIN ISN'T STOPPED NOW, I THINK HE WILL CONTINUE TO GO ON 326 00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:04,162 BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE HISTORY HAS SHOWN US. 327 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:07,833 GEORGIA IN 2008, UKRAINE IN 2014 AND UKRAINE AGAIN IN 2022. 328 00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:10,669 IF HE'S NOT STOPPED, HE'LL KEEP ON GOING. 329 00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:17,643 BUT THE OTHER THING IS THAT HE HAS MADE CLEAR THAT THE 330 00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:21,413 INTERNATIONAL RULES-BASED ORDER WHICH IS ALSO SOMETHING FAMILIAR 331 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,651 TO OUR GENERATION, KIND OF OF A SYSTEM THAT WAS SET UP AFTER 332 00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:29,421 WORLD WAR II FOR THE RULES OF THE ROAD FOR HOW COUNTRIES DEAL 333 00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:33,158 WITH EACH OTHER, THAT THAT DOESN'T REALLY WORK FOR HIM. 334 00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:39,431 HE WANTS TO BE IN A MIGHT MAKES RIGHT SITUATION, GET WHATEVER HE 335 00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:41,933 WANTS, AND THAT IS A REAL THREAT, I THINK, TO THE FREE 336 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:47,105 WORLD BECAUSE THE RULES-BASED INTERNATIONAL SYSTEM HAS KEPT US 337 00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:52,444 FREER, MORE PROSPEROUS AND MORE SECURE SINCE WORLD WAR II. 338 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:58,617 AND IF PUTIN PREVAILS, I THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE A SYSTEM THAT 339 00:21:58,684 --> 00:22:03,422 COULD VERY WELL HAVE AUTOCRATS DECIDING WHAT KIND OF RULES WE 340 00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:08,026 LIVE BY, AND THAT WOULD NOT BE GOOD FOR THE UNITED STATES. 341 00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:12,964 >> Stephen: YOUR NEW BOOK IS CALLED "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE." 342 00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:18,370 IN 2019, YOU YOURSELF WERE THE VICTIM OF A SMEAR CAMPAIGN. 343 00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:21,173 RUDOPH JEW GIULIANI TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT YOU 344 00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:23,909 BLOCKED EFFORTS TO GET UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN, AND 345 00:22:23,975 --> 00:22:27,879 YOU WERE THEN FIRED. LATER, THE JULY 25th CALL 346 00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:32,584 REVEALED THAT THE PRESIDENT PRESSURED UKRAINE FOR THOSE 347 00:22:32,651 --> 00:22:34,152 INVESTIGATIONS BY WITHHOLDING MILITARY AID. 348 00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:40,759 HOW IS ALL OF THAT RELATED TO THIS WAR? 349 00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:44,696 >> WELL, I THINK THAT WHAT EVERYBODY SAW WITH THE RELEASE 350 00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:50,535 OF THE TRANSCRIPT OF WHAT WE NOW KNOW AS THE "PERFECT CALL," I 351 00:22:50,602 --> 00:22:54,372 THINK THAT WHAT WE SEE IS THAT PUTIN, LIKE OTHER AUTOCRATS 352 00:22:54,439 --> 00:22:58,477 AROUND THE WORLD AND, FRANKLY, OTHER BAD ACTORS AROUND THE 353 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,712 WORLD AND IN THE UNITED STATES, THEY REALIZE THAT THE FORMER 354 00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:07,385 PRESIDENT WAS READY TO USE OUR NATIONAL SECURITY FOR HIS OWN 355 00:23:07,452 --> 00:23:10,856 PERSONAL AND POLITICAL GAIN. YOU WILL RECALL THE PHRASE, YOU 356 00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:15,026 KNOW, "CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH." 357 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:17,929 >> Stephen: YES. O, CLEARLY, THE QUID PRO QUO 358 00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:22,300 IS THERE. AND I THINK THAT REALLY 359 00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:27,973 UNDERMINED OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND OUR ABILITIES TO MOVE 360 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:29,875 FORWARD, WHEN PEOPLE COULD SEE THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED 361 00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:35,013 STATES WAS READY TO, YOU KNOW, NOT BE ACTING IN THE INTERESTS 362 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,416 OF THE NATION BUT IN HIS OWN PERSONAL BEST INTERESTS. 363 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:44,990 >> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS JOE BIDEN HAS TO DO IN THE FIRST 364 00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:48,827 YEAR IS TO PATCH OUR N.A.T.O. ALLIANCE AND MAKE SURE WE'RE 365 00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:51,129 COMMITTED AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMMITTED. 366 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:56,334 PUTIN WANTED TO UNDERMINE THAT. N.A.T.O. HAS BROUGHT WORLD 367 00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:59,938 TOGETHER IN A WAY THEY HAVEN'T PROBABLY SINCE THE BOSNIAN 368 00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:01,373 PUBLIC. MANY POLITICIANS IN THE UNITED 369 00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:04,943 STATES ON THE RIGHT CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT 370 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:09,581 AND, STRANGELY, AT TIMES, VLADIMIR PUTIN HIMSELF. 371 00:24:09,648 --> 00:24:13,885 HOW DOES THAT TRAINING FEEL UNDERMINE OUR POSITIONS WITH OUR 372 00:24:13,952 --> 00:24:16,087 ALLIES AND OUR STANDING IN THE WORLD? 373 00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:19,858 >> WELL, I THINK PEOPLE REALLY WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IN 374 00:24:19,925 --> 00:24:22,194 THE UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON 375 00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:26,231 HERE IN THE UNITED STATES? >> I WISH I KNEW AND COULD TELL 376 00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,000 YOU. THAT IS NOT ONE TO HAVE THE 377 00:24:29,067 --> 00:24:30,235 LESSONS. ( LAUGHTER ) 378 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:34,873 BUT IT'S WORRISOME THAT PEOPLE WOULD HOLD UP PUTIN AS A STRONG 379 00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:39,144 MAN AND AS SOMEBODY TO BE ADMIRED AND EMULATED, PEOPLE 380 00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:41,279 SHOSHED KNOW BETTER. >> Stephen: HOPEFULLY THIS 381 00:24:41,346 --> 00:24:45,350 WILL STRIP THE MASK OFF HIM AND PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO FACE THE 382 00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:49,421 HAIR ROAR THAT AUTOCRATIC REGIMES ARE. 383 00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:53,959 >> THAT'S WHAT I HOPE, ALTHOUGH AT A VERY HIGH COST TO UKRAINE. 384 00:24:54,025 --> 00:24:54,893 >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL HAVE THE AMBASSADOR ABOUT 385 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,962 THE FIRST TIME SHE MET PRESIDENT ZELENSKY. 386 00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:57,495 STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 387 00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:18,850 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! SNRFNLTS WE'RE BACK WITH THE 388 00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:22,254 AUHOR OF "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE," AMBASSADOR MARIE 389 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,990 YOVANOVITCH. IN THE BOOK YOU WRITE THAT YOU 390 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:26,758 MET ZELENSKY WHEN HE WAS A CANDIDATE. 391 00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:28,426 WHAT WERE YOUR FIRST IMPRESSIONS? 392 00:25:28,493 --> 00:25:30,762 >> WELL, I WAS EXPECTING A FUNNY GUY TO WALK INTO THE ROOM 393 00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:35,600 BECAUSE HE'S A COMEDIAN, AND HE WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT THE POINT HE 394 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:38,670 WANTED TO MAKE WITH ME WAS THAT HE WAS A BUSINESSMAN. 395 00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:44,776 HE HAD SET UP A -- HE HAD ESTABLISHED A MEDIA 396 00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:46,044 CONGLOMERATE, MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR ENTERPRISE, 397 00:25:46,111 --> 00:25:50,282 ALL BASED ON HIS OWN TALENT AND HARD WORK, AND HE HAD EXECUTIVE 398 00:25:50,348 --> 00:25:51,583 SKILLS. SOON THEREAFTER, HE ANNOUNCED 399 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,919 THAT HE WOULD BE RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENCY, AND IT WAS CLEAR 400 00:25:53,985 --> 00:25:57,088 THAT THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 401 00:25:57,155 --> 00:26:02,427 THEY WANTED TO KEEP ON GOING, YOU KNOW, FOR THEIR -- IN THEIR 402 00:26:02,494 --> 00:26:03,595 DEMOCRACY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE 403 00:26:03,662 --> 00:26:06,164 APPEAL OF A COMEDIAN? HOW BAD WERE THINGS IN THE 404 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:09,968 POLITICAL LANDSCAPE THERE THAT THEY WENT, WELL, LET'S GIVE THE 405 00:26:10,035 --> 00:26:13,772 CLOWN A TRY? ( LAUGHTER ) 406 00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:15,507 >> WELL, INTERESTINGLY, THERE ARE SIMILARITIES HERE WITH THE 407 00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:18,777 UNITED STATES BECAUSE THE POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT IN 408 00:26:18,843 --> 00:26:22,080 UKRAINE NEVER BELIEVED AND COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT ZELENSKY 409 00:26:22,147 --> 00:26:26,017 WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO WIN. TO OUTSIEFERREDZ, IT WAS VERY 410 00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:29,821 CLEAR WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. KIND OF SOUNDS FAMILIAR, RIGHT? 411 00:26:29,888 --> 00:26:32,324 >> Stephen: MM-HMM. O I THINK THAT THE UKRAINIAN 412 00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:36,528 PEOPLE WANTED TO KEEP ON GOING. THEY WANTED TO -- THEY HAD THE 413 00:26:36,594 --> 00:26:40,098 REVOLUTION OF DIGNITY, WHICH MEANS RULE OF LAW, EVERYBODY'S 414 00:26:40,165 --> 00:26:46,571 TREATED EQUALLY IN 2014. THEY WANTED REFORMS TO CONTINUE. 415 00:26:46,638 --> 00:26:49,074 THEY WANTED TO LOOK WEST. THEY WANTED TO HAVE A LIBERAL 416 00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:52,277 DEMOCRACY SO THAT THEY WOULD HAVE OPPORTUNITIES FOR THEIR 417 00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:55,413 CHILDREN AND THERE WOULDN'T BE CORRUPTION IN THE COUNTRY. 418 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:59,117 AND WHILE THERE WERE REFORMS, THEY NEVER MOVED FORWARD IN A 419 00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:02,520 STRAIGHT LINE, AND, SO, PEOPLE GOT RESTLESS AND WERE LOOKING 420 00:27:02,587 --> 00:27:06,491 FOR THE NEXT CANDIDATE. AND ZELENSKY HAD A TV SHOW 421 00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:09,995 CALLED A SERVANT OF THE PEOPLE AND HE PLAYED A TEACHER WHO ALL 422 00:27:10,061 --> 00:27:14,966 OF A SUDDEN THROUGH AN ACCIDENT OF FATE BECAME PRESIDENT, AND 423 00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:19,537 THEN LIFE IMITATED ART AND HE BECAME THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE, 424 00:27:19,604 --> 00:27:23,942 AND HE WAS A PROTEST CANDIDATE. HE RAN ON A SIMPLE PLATFORM OF 425 00:27:24,009 --> 00:27:27,012 WE'RE GOING TO END CORRUPTION AND BRING PEACE TO UKRAINE. 426 00:27:27,078 --> 00:27:30,281 VERY SIMPLE, VERY APPEALING MESSAGES. 427 00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:34,119 >> Stephen: I NOTICE YOU'VE GOT A BRACELET HERE, RATHER 428 00:27:34,185 --> 00:27:35,253 UNUSUAL BRACELET THERE. >> IT IS. 429 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,890 >> Stephen: CAN I -- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY IT, I JUST 430 00:27:38,957 --> 00:27:41,793 NOTICED WHAT IT SAYS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY WHAT IT 431 00:27:41,860 --> 00:27:42,927 SAYS? >> I'M GOING TO LET YOU SAY THAT 432 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:45,630 BECAUSE I'M THE DIPLOMAT. >> Stephen: WELL, WHERE DID 433 00:27:45,697 --> 00:27:49,134 YOU GET THIS BRACELET? >> THIS IS A "MADE IN UKRAINE" 434 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,570 BRACELET AND IT SAYS -- >> Stephen: YOU GOT THIS IN 435 00:27:52,637 --> 00:27:53,471 UKRAINE. >> I GOT IT IN UKRAINE. 436 00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:55,540 >> Stephen: WHAT YEAR DID YOU BUY THIS? 437 00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:59,577 >> I THINK IN 2017, BUT I BULK ORDERED THEM AND GAVE THEM TO 438 00:27:59,644 --> 00:28:03,948 ALL VISITORS, INCLUDING OUR CONGRESS PEOPLE. 439 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:10,155 >> Stephen: IT SAYS ( BLEEP ) YOU PUTIN. 440 00:28:10,221 --> 00:28:14,025 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LOVELY. 441 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:16,795 >> AND IT'S FOR YOU. >> Stephen: IT'S FOR WHAT? 442 00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:18,496 THIS ONE'S FOR YOU. >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE IT, 443 00:28:18,563 --> 00:28:24,436 THANK YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 444 00:28:24,502 --> 00:28:29,707 BEFORE WE GO, ARE THERE ANY UKRAINIAN SAYINGS OR QUOTES THAT 445 00:28:29,774 --> 00:28:31,676 INSPIRE YOU? BECAUSE I KNOW IT HAS A LONG 446 00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:34,913 HISTORY OF ART AND POETRY AND LITERATURE. 447 00:28:34,979 --> 00:28:38,583 >> IT DOES. IT HAS A LONG AND PROUD AND 448 00:28:38,650 --> 00:28:41,553 BEAUTIFUL CULTURE. SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME HOW ARE 449 00:28:41,619 --> 00:28:47,592 THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE RESISTING LIKE THIS, I REMIND THEM ABOUT 450 00:28:47,659 --> 00:28:50,595 THE POET LAUREATE IN THE 1800s AND CONTINUES TO BE THE 451 00:28:50,662 --> 00:28:54,532 COUNTRY'S MOST FAVORITE POET, AND HIS MOST FAMOUS LINE IS 452 00:28:54,599 --> 00:28:58,703 "FIGHT ON AND YOU WILL PREVAIL." AND THAT'S WHAT UKRAINIAN 453 00:28:58,770 --> 00:29:01,706 CHILDREN ARE BROUGHT UP ON. >> Stephen: AMBASSADOR, THANK 454 00:29:01,773 --> 00:29:07,378 YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. THANK YOU FOR THIS. 455 00:29:07,445 --> 00:29:08,580 THE BOOK, "LESSONS FROM THE EDGE" IS AVAILABLE THIS TUESDAY. 456 00:29:08,646 --> 00:29:10,315 AMBASSADOR MARIE YOVANOVITCH EVERYBODY! 457 00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:14,652 WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE MARTHA STEWART THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 458 00:29:31,636 --> 00:29:33,671 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 459 00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:37,642 MY GUEST -- MY GUEST IS AN AUTHOR, ENTREPRENEUR AND 460 00:29:37,709 --> 00:29:41,813 LIFESTYLE EXPERT HERE TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 461 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:46,151 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MARTHA STEWART, 462 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:49,220 EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 463 00:29:49,287 --> 00:30:04,202 ( BAND PLAYING ) 464 00:30:04,269 --> 00:30:05,503 MARTHA, THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK. 465 00:30:05,570 --> 00:30:07,138 >> YEAH, I ALMOST DIDN'T. >> Stephen: YOU ALMOST DIDN'T 466 00:30:07,205 --> 00:30:11,042 COME BACK? BECAUSE OUR LAST DATE WAS TOO 467 00:30:11,109 --> 00:30:12,343 GOOD? >> TOO GOOD. 468 00:30:12,410 --> 00:30:14,812 >> Stephen: NOW, MADAM, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE. 469 00:30:14,879 --> 00:30:19,150 I REALLY ENJOY HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW, BUT LIKE SO MANY GUESTS I 470 00:30:19,217 --> 00:30:22,353 REALLY ENJOY WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REALLY GET TO 471 00:30:22,420 --> 00:30:24,522 KNOW EACH OTHER AS TRUE FRIENDS WOULD. 472 00:30:24,589 --> 00:30:26,925 SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, THE SCIENTISTS IN "THE LATE SHOW" 473 00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:30,795 LABS HAVE COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY 474 00:30:30,862 --> 00:30:33,831 DESIGNED IN ORDER TO PLUM THE DEPTHS OF A GUEST'S SOUL SO THAT 475 00:30:33,898 --> 00:30:37,068 AT THE END OF IT YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN. 476 00:30:37,135 --> 00:30:40,805 MARTHA STEWART, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? 477 00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:46,911 >> SHOULD I BE? >> St 478 00:30:46,978 --> 00:30:49,247 >> Stephen: IF NOT, HERE'S THE DOOR. 479 00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:51,082 >> I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. >> Stephen: EXCELLENT. 480 00:30:51,149 --> 00:30:55,186 THANK YOU, MAR THIS. THIS IS A BIG ONE. 481 00:30:55,253 --> 00:31:01,226 LET'S START OFF WITH A BIGGIE. MARTHA STEWART, WHAT IS THE BEST 482 00:31:01,292 --> 00:31:02,694 SANDWICH? >> LIVERWURST ON WHITE BREAD 483 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,996 WITH MUSTARD AND MAYONNAISE AND LETTUCE. 484 00:31:05,063 --> 00:31:07,398 >> Stephen: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. 485 00:31:07,465 --> 00:31:13,238 >> WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT? >> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE SAID 486 00:31:13,304 --> 00:31:18,076 SMASH BROWN SWAGGER WITH KETCHUP ON WHEAT TOAST. 487 00:31:18,142 --> 00:31:19,277 >> REALLY? >> Stephen: AS LONG AS WE'RE 488 00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:20,979 GOING LIVER. ( LAUGHTER ) 489 00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:25,049 WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW 490 00:31:25,116 --> 00:31:26,284 OUT? >> I'M A HOARDER. 491 00:31:26,351 --> 00:31:29,387 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A HOARDER? BUT A NEAT HOARDER. 492 00:31:29,454 --> 00:31:32,457 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A NEAT HOARDER, SURE. 493 00:31:32,523 --> 00:31:35,827 SO THAT CERTAINLY LEADS TO THE QUESTION, WHAT TO HAVE THE 494 00:31:35,893 --> 00:31:39,631 THINGS YOU ARE HOARDER SHOULD YOU REALLY THROW OUT? 495 00:31:39,697 --> 00:31:41,299 >> MAYBE OLD MAGAZINES. NOT MINE BUT OTHERS. 496 00:31:41,366 --> 00:31:44,269 >> Stephen: LIKE, HOW OLD? I HAVE MANY OLD MAGAZINES. 497 00:31:44,335 --> 00:31:48,773 >> Stephen: ARE YOU LIKE THE COLLIER BROTHERSY OU HAVE 498 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:50,141 THINGS STACKED UP AROUND THE HOUSE? 499 00:31:50,208 --> 00:31:53,278 >> I HAVE THE EARLY "SATURDAY EVENING POSTS." 500 00:31:53,344 --> 00:31:56,881 >> Stephen: SO YOUR HOUSE IS A FIRE HAZARD IS WHAT YOU'RE 501 00:31:56,948 --> 00:31:58,082 SAYING. ( LAUGHTER ) 502 00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:01,252 WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS. 503 00:32:01,319 --> 00:32:05,356 LET'S SEE, WHAT WOULD BE SCARY. >> Stephen: SHARKS? 504 00:32:05,423 --> 00:32:07,258 HARKS ARE LOVELY. >> Stephen: SNAKES? 505 00:32:07,325 --> 00:32:10,662 I'M REALLY NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS. 506 00:32:10,728 --> 00:32:18,369 >> Stephen: C FLIES. NO. 507 00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:21,039 >> Stephen: WORMS THAT CRAWL INTO YOUR EYE. 508 00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:23,641 >> I'M NOT GETTING CLOSE TO THAT WOMAN. 509 00:32:23,708 --> 00:32:25,243 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S NOT UP TO YOU. 510 00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:26,744 ( LAUGHTER ) APPLES OR ORANGES. 511 00:32:26,811 --> 00:32:31,282 >> DO I LIKE DNR. >> Stephen: PICK APPLES OR 512 00:32:31,349 --> 00:32:32,517 ORANGES. >> ORANGES. 513 00:32:32,583 --> 00:32:36,254 >> Stephen: OKAY. THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER. 514 00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:38,423 ( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR 515 00:32:38,489 --> 00:32:39,390 THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> OH, YES. 516 00:32:39,457 --> 00:32:41,726 >> Stephen: OH, WHO DID YOU ASK. 517 00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:46,698 >> I ASKED SNOOP. >> Stephen: SNOOP! 518 00:32:46,764 --> 00:32:49,667 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> MANY TIMES. 519 00:32:49,734 --> 00:32:52,837 EVERYBODY WANTS HIS AUTOGRAPH. >> Stephen: WOW, AND YOU'VE 520 00:32:52,904 --> 00:32:55,006 ASKED FOR IT MANY TIMES. >> MANY TIMES. 521 00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:56,941 >> Stephen: DID YOU KEEP LOSING IT? 522 00:32:57,008 --> 00:32:59,577 >> NO, I KEEP GIVING IT TO PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT. 523 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:05,116 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANYONE FOR YOURSELF? 524 00:33:05,183 --> 00:33:07,285 >> RUSSELL CROWE. >> Stephen: DID HE GIVE IT TO 525 00:33:07,352 --> 00:33:08,353 YOU? >> MM-HMM. 526 00:33:08,419 --> 00:33:10,021 >> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU RUN INTO RUSSELL CROWE? 527 00:33:10,088 --> 00:33:14,025 >> HE WAS ON MY SHOW. IF I REALLY LIKE THE GUYS, I ASK 528 00:33:14,092 --> 00:33:17,028 FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH. ( LAUGHTER ) 529 00:33:17,095 --> 00:33:20,064 >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT I WAS ON YOUR SHOW AND 530 00:33:20,131 --> 00:33:25,002 YOU DID NOT ASK FOR MY AUTOGRAPH. 531 00:33:25,069 --> 00:33:26,671 ( LAUGHTER ) (APPLAUSE ) 532 00:33:26,738 --> 00:33:28,506 >> HUH-OH, CAUGHTUM. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 533 00:33:28,573 --> 00:33:29,841 HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WE GO TO HEAVEN. 534 00:33:29,907 --> 00:33:32,343 >> Stephen: GO TO HEAVEN? MM-HMM. 535 00:33:32,410 --> 00:33:35,046 >> Stephen: IF WE'RE GOOD OR EVERYBODY GOES TO HEAVEN? 536 00:33:35,113 --> 00:33:38,015 >> NO, ONLY NICE PEOPLE. >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION 537 00:33:38,082 --> 00:33:39,417 MOVIE. >> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 538 00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:45,022 OH, DR. STRANGE LOVE. >> Stephen: THAT BROADLY FITS 539 00:33:45,089 --> 00:33:48,459 INTO THE CATEGORY OF ACTION MOVIE. 540 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:54,699 BECAUSE SLIM PICKENS RIDES THE BOMB DOWN AT THE END, I SUPPOSE. 541 00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:58,669 WINDOW OR AISLE SEAT? AND I UNDERSTAND IT'S A PRIVATE 542 00:33:58,736 --> 00:33:59,971 PLANE. >> ALWAYS WINDOW BECAUSE I LIKE 543 00:34:00,037 --> 00:34:05,343 TO SEE WHERE I'M GOING. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL. 544 00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:11,482 GARDENIA OR TUBER ROSE. >> Stephen: MY MOTHER LOVED A 545 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:14,318 GARDENIA CORSAGE. WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE? 546 00:34:14,385 --> 00:34:16,954 >> TUBER ROSE WHICH SMELLS LIKE A GARDENIA. 547 00:34:17,021 --> 00:34:22,026 >> Stephen: I'M NOT FAMILIAR. WELL YOU SHOULD FAMILIARIZE 548 00:34:22,093 --> 00:34:25,630 YOURSELF. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE A 549 00:34:25,696 --> 00:34:28,566 BOOK I COULD BUY? >> NO, I'LL SEND YOU A TUBER 550 00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:31,169 ROSE. >> Stephen: THIS YEAR I WON'T 551 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:33,671 FIND ONE. >> YEAH, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND 552 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:34,672 ONE. >> Stephen: OKAY. 553 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:38,075 LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. >> RANCID GARBAGE. 554 00:34:38,142 --> 00:34:42,146 STREETS OF NEW YORK. ( APPLAUSE ) 555 00:34:42,213 --> 00:34:46,384 >> Stephen: NOW, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN THE SMELL BETWEEN 556 00:34:46,451 --> 00:34:50,688 RANCID GARBAGE AND THE LIVERWURST SANDWICH YOU WERE 557 00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:52,089 DESCRIBING? >> DEPENDS ON THE LIVERWURST. 558 00:34:52,156 --> 00:34:55,059 >> Stephen: OKAY. WHAT'S THE MOST USED APP ON YOUR 559 00:34:55,126 --> 00:34:57,628 PHONE. >> MOST USED APP ON MY PHONE. 560 00:34:57,695 --> 00:34:58,996 IT'S SILLY. IT'S LIKE THE "NEW YORK TIMES." 561 00:34:59,063 --> 00:35:02,600 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT SILLY. IT'S THE NEWSPAPER OF RECORD. 562 00:35:02,667 --> 00:35:06,671 ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO APP. CATS OR DOGS? 563 00:35:06,737 --> 00:35:08,306 >> OH, THAT'S REALLY HARD BECAUSE I HAVE BOTH. 564 00:35:08,372 --> 00:35:11,342 >> Stephen: OKAY. BUT I THINK I TEND TOWARDS 565 00:35:11,409 --> 00:35:14,779 THE CATS. ( APPLAUSE ) 566 00:35:14,846 --> 00:35:17,849 >> Stephen: YOU GET ONLY ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST 567 00:35:17,915 --> 00:35:20,985 OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT IS IT? 568 00:35:21,052 --> 00:35:30,061 >> OH, IT WOULD BE MAYBE BACH O- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO NARROW 569 00:35:30,127 --> 00:35:32,230 IT DONE. >> SOMETHING BAROQUE. 570 00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:34,532 >> Stephen: GOLDBERG VARIATIONS. 571 00:35:34,599 --> 00:35:35,466 >> MAYBE. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 572 00:35:35,533 --> 00:35:40,271 THINKING OF? >> 3244. 573 00:35:40,338 --> 00:35:42,440 >> Stephen: NO. ( LAUGHTER ) 574 00:35:42,507 --> 00:35:52,884 MARTHA STEWART, DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 575 00:35:52,950 --> 00:36:03,794 >> BEAUTIFUL, EXCITING, CURIOUS, LONG. 576 00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:04,962 ( LAUGHTER ) FUTURISTIC. 577 00:36:05,029 --> 00:36:09,400 >> Stephen: MARTHA, YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN. 578 00:36:09,467 --> 00:36:10,968 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH. 579 00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:13,504 FOR MORE MARTHA, VISIT MARTHA.com. 580 00:36:13,571 --> 00:36:15,773 MARTHA STEWART. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 581 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:16,474 THANK YOU, MARTHA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 582 00:36:41,132 --> 00:36:43,467 >> STEPHEN: HIS ALBUM, "WHO CARES?" IS OUT NOW. 583 00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:46,604 PERFORMING "ONE IN A MILLION," REX ORANGE COUNTY! 584 00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:48,339 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 585 00:36:48,406 --> 00:36:56,614 ♪ MY HEART KEEPS DRIVING ME CRAZY 586 00:36:56,681 --> 00:37:00,618 ♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH I CAN DO, 587 00:37:00,685 --> 00:37:04,789 ♪ I'M AWARE THERE'S NO ONE 588 00:37:04,855 --> 00:37:09,360 ♪ QUITE LIKE YOU YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, 589 00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:14,432 ♪ ONE IN A MILLION ♪ I'M ALONE WITH YOU 590 00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:16,601 WAKING UP, ♪ AND HANGING OUT 591 00:37:16,667 --> 00:37:19,337 AT HOME WITH YOU ♪ YOU DON'T EVER 592 00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:22,006 DO NO WRONG TO ME ♪ I WISH THAT 593 00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:24,609 I COULD JUST SAY THE SAME ♪ BUT IT'S OKAY, 594 00:37:24,675 --> 00:37:28,913 I'M TRYING TO DO ♪ WHATEVER IT TAKES 595 00:37:28,980 --> 00:37:33,718 TO BELIEVE THAT I'M ENOUGH, ♪ AND HOPE YOU AGREE 596 00:37:33,784 --> 00:37:35,019 I'VE FALLEN FOR YOU, ♪ I'M DAZED AND CONFUSED 597 00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:38,889 IT'S CRAZY ♪ WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME 598 00:37:38,956 --> 00:37:44,595 ♪ MY HEART KEEPS DRIVING ME CRAZY 599 00:37:44,662 --> 00:37:51,102 ♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH I CAN DO, 600 00:37:51,168 --> 00:37:54,772 ♪ I'M AWARE (UH) THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE YOU 601 00:37:54,839 --> 00:38:00,611 ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, 602 00:38:00,678 --> 00:38:11,188 ♪ WOAH-OH-OH ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON 603 00:38:11,255 --> 00:38:20,598 (OOH, OOH) 604 00:38:20,665 --> 00:38:24,602 ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, 605 00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:28,606 ♪ WOAH-OH-OH BABY I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT 606 00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:33,044 ♪ I WON'T SLEEP AND I'M NOT TIRED 607 00:38:33,110 --> 00:38:35,179 ♪ WHAT THE [NO AUDIO] SHOULD WE WAIT FOR? 608 00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:40,618 ♪ I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE IT'S THE ONLY THING I NEED 609 00:38:40,685 --> 00:38:47,191 ♪ IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IT'S MY ONE AND ONLY WISH 610 00:38:47,258 --> 00:38:51,062 ♪ IT'S SUCH A CRAZY WAY TO BE ♪ WAKING UP, 611 00:38:51,128 --> 00:38:53,197 AND HANGING OUT ♪ AT HOME WITH YOU 612 00:38:53,264 --> 00:38:56,167 YOU DON'T EVER ♪ DO NO WRONG TO ME 613 00:38:56,233 --> 00:38:59,136 I WISH THAT I COULD ♪ JUST SAY THE SAME 614 00:38:59,203 --> 00:39:04,642 BUT IT'S OKAY, ♪ I'M TRYING TO DO WHATEVER 615 00:39:04,709 --> 00:39:07,511 IT TAKES TO BELIEVE ♪ THAT I'M ENOUGH, 616 00:39:07,578 --> 00:39:10,548 AND HOPE YOU AGREE ♪ I'VE FALLEN FOR YOU, 617 00:39:10,614 --> 00:39:12,616 I'M DAZED AND CONFUSED ♪ AND SAME WITH WHAT 618 00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:16,587 YOU'RE DOIN' TO ME ♪ MY HEART KEEPS 619 00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:22,927 DRIVING ME CRAZY ♪ THERE'S NOTHING MUCH 620 00:39:22,993 --> 00:39:27,565 I CAN DO, ♪ I'M AWARE 621 00:39:27,631 --> 00:39:32,603 THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE YOU ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, 622 00:39:32,670 --> 00:39:40,010 ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, ♪ WOAH-OH-OH 623 00:39:40,077 --> 00:39:44,615 MY HEART KEEPS ♪ DRIVING ME CRAZY 624 00:39:44,682 --> 00:39:48,619 THERE'S NOTHING MUCH ♪ I CAN DO, 625 00:39:48,686 --> 00:39:53,190 I'M AWARE ♪ THERE'S NO ONE 626 00:39:53,257 --> 00:39:59,163 QUITE LIKE YOU ♪ YOU'RE ONE OF ONE, 627 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:08,606 ONE IN A MILLIO-O-O-ON, ♪ 628 00:40:08,672 --> 00:40:15,980 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. 629 00:40:16,046 --> 00:40:17,248 REX ORANGE COUNTY, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 630 00:40:17,314 --> 00:40:19,717 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE AIDY BRYANT AND COMEDIAN 631 00:40:19,784 --> 00:40:21,786 ALEX EDELMAN. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 632 00:40:21,852 --> 00:40:22,787 GOOD NIGHT.