1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:02,569 PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCING 2 00:00:02,635 --> 00:00:06,172 THE U.S. WILL BAN ALL RUSSIAN ENERGY IMPORTS INTO THE UNITED 3 00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:10,610 STATES, INCLUDING OIL, NATURAL GAS, AND COAL, A MOVE THAT WILL 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,446 FURTHER CRIPPLE RUSSIA'S ALREADY-STRUGGLING ECONOMY. 5 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:17,917 >> WE'RE BANNING ALL IMPORTS OF RUSSIAN OIL AND GAS AND ENERGY. 6 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:20,320 THAT MEANS RUSSIAN OIL WILL NO LONGER BE ACCEPTABLE AT U.S. 7 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:24,324 PORTS, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL DEAL ANOTHER POWERFUL BLOW 8 00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:27,727 TO PUTIN'S WAR MACHINE. ( SUNG TO "THE BEVERLY 9 00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:42,675 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 10 00:00:42,742 --> 00:01:00,326 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 11 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:08,334 TONIGHT: COMMANDER IN KYIV. 12 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,338 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN C. REILLY 13 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:16,342 AND KRISTIN CHENOWETH 14 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:20,313 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 15 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:24,350 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 16 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:36,329 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 17 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:40,033 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 18 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:54,981 THERE YOU GO. 19 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,349 THERE YOU GO. 20 00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:57,951 WELCOME, EVERYBODY. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. 21 00:01:58,017 --> 00:01:59,052 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 22 00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:03,256 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MY FRIEND, UP HERE, DOWN THERE. 23 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:08,328 WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "LATE SHOW"." 24 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:13,967 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 25 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:20,340 NOTICED, BUT I'M A COMEDIAN. AND IT'S RIGHT THERE ON MY 26 00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:21,608 TAXES. AND AS SUCH, I'VE GOT A LOT OF 27 00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:27,280 COMEDY IDOLS, MANY OF WHOM I'VE HAD THE HONOR TO MEET, THANKS TO 28 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:28,448 THIS JOB RIGHT OVER THERE: STEVE MARTIN, JOHN CLEESE, ELMO. 29 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:34,988 HE JUST TICKLES ME. ( LAUGHTER ) 30 00:02:35,054 --> 00:02:40,460 THANK YOU. AND MY NEW COMEDY IDOL IS 31 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,762 VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. HE WAS A COMEDIAN, VERY 32 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,531 SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN FOR MANY YEARS. 33 00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:50,069 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). NORMALLY, I'M AGAINST ELECTING 34 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,138 COMEDIANS TO POLITICAL OFFICE-- AND KEEP IN MIND, I RAN FOR 35 00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:56,943 PRESIDENT TWICE. ( LAUGHTER ) 36 00:02:57,010 --> 00:03:01,648 WORLD WITH HIS COURAGE IN THE FACE OF THE RUSSIAN INVASION, 37 00:03:01,714 --> 00:03:05,118 AND LAST NIGHT, HE TOOK HIS BRAVERY TO A BRAND-NEW LEVEL OF 38 00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,753 BAD-ASSERY. IN A SPEECH TO THE UKRAINIAN 39 00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:12,492 PEOPLE, HE DECLARED THAT, DESPITE NUMEROUS ASSASSINATION 40 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:13,993 ATTEMPTS AGAINST HIM IN JUST THE LAST TWO WEEKS, HE'S NOT GOING 41 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,730 ANYWHERE. >> NOW I WILL SAY ONE THING: 42 00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:18,765 I STAY HERE. I STAY IN KYIV. 43 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:21,134 ON BANKOVA STREET. I'M NOT HIDING. 44 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:26,039 AND I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE. >> Stephen: THAT IS SO BRAVE. 45 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:29,475 I AM PERSONALLY INSPIRED BY HIS EXAMPLE. 46 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:33,413 AND I WANT TO SAY, VLADIMIR PUTIN, I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU, 47 00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:34,581 EITHER. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THIS 48 00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:37,584 COMEDIAN, I'M IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON BROADWAY 49 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:50,029 IN MANHATTAN... ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 50 00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:55,935 ( LAUGHTER ) MY NAME, SIR-- AND WRITE THIS 51 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,571 DOWN-- IS JAMES CORDEN. ( LAUGHTER ) 52 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:02,375 THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME-- I DON'T CARE! 53 00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:09,816 I'LL PUT IT OUT THERE! >> Jon: YEAH. 54 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:14,020 >> Stephen: THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE INVASION THAT 55 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,155 ZELENSKY ADDRESSED THE NATION FROM HIS PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE, 56 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:22,028 BUT HE STARTED WITH A "WEST WING"-STYLE WALK AND TALK: 57 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:28,201 >> HERE IS THE EVENING, KYIV. OUR OFFICE, MONDAY EVENING. 58 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:37,076 YOU KNOW, WE USED TO SAY, "MONDAY IS A HARD DAY." 59 00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:38,878 THERE IS A WAR IN THE COUNTRY, SO EVERY DAY IS MONDAY. 60 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:42,749 >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL AND RELATABLE WORDS. 61 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:45,084 OF COURSE, ZELENSKY DIDN'T WRITE THAT HIMSELF. 62 00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:47,553 HE'S QUOTING FAMED UKRAINIAN POET, GARFIELDOMIR DECATSKY. 63 00:04:47,620 --> 00:05:02,035 ( LAUGHTER ) ZELENSKY---- BIG GARFIELDOMIR 64 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,670 FANS ZELENSKY HAS BEGGED THE WESTERN 65 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:05,538 POWERS TO RAMP UP THE ECONOMIC PAIN ON RUSSIA, AND THIS 66 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,007 MORNING, JOE BIDEN DISHED OUT THE BIGGEST DOSE YET: 67 00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,043 >> TODAY, I'M ANNOUNCING THE UNITED STATES IS TARGETING THE 68 00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:11,978 MAN ARTERY OF RUSSIA'S ECONOMY. WE'RE BANNING ALL IMPORTS OF 69 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,947 RUSSIAN OIL AND GAS AND ENERGY. >> Stephen: TAKE THAT, VLAD! 70 00:05:15,014 --> 00:05:18,017 AMERICA DOESN'T NEED YOUR KLEPTO CRUDE! 71 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:28,227 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY TO STAY HOME AND 72 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:34,033 AND FRACK OURSELVES BLIND. THIS IS ANOTHER MASSIVE BLOW TO 73 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,302 THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY, AND BIDEN REMINDED AMERICANS JUST HOW MUCH 74 00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,037 DAMAGE WE'VE ALREADY DONE. >> THE RUSSIAN RUBLE IS NOW 75 00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,306 DOWN TO 50%, BY 50% SINCE PUTIN ANNOUNCED HIS WAR. 76 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:44,010 ONE RUBLE IS NOW WORTH LESS THAN ONE AMERICAN PENNY. 77 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,045 ONE RUBLE IS LESS THAN ONE AMERICAN PENNY. 78 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:51,184 >> Stephen: "AND LET ME TELL YA, JACKOV-- 79 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:53,686 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SERIOUS. 80 00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:58,024 I'M NOT JEKING HERE. THAT PENNY AIN'T WORTH WHAT IT 81 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:02,028 USED TO BE. BACK IN SCRANTON IN 82 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,396 19-AUGHT-FORGET-ABOUT-IT, A SHINY LINCOLN WOULD GETCHA TWO 83 00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:06,032 TICKETS TO THE RIALTO TO SEE A TALKIE OF OL' CHUCKY CHAPLIN 84 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:14,040 GIVIN' THE KAISER THE WHAT-FOR YOU'D STILL HAVE-- 85 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:19,679 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OVER TO GO TO THE LUNCHEONETTE 86 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:24,150 FOR A HEARTY BOWL OF TWINE SOUP. 87 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,985 MORE AND MORE COMPANIES ARE SAYING NYET TO DOING BUSINESS IN 88 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,488 RUSSIA. THE LATEST IS McDONALD'S, WHICH 89 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:31,824 EARLIER TODAY ANNOUNCED THEY'RE TEMPORARILY CLOSING RESTAURANTS 90 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,527 AND PAUSING ALL OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA. 91 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:40,433 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES. 92 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:44,971 RUSSIA JUST BECAME A "NO FRY ZONE." 93 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:50,042 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, YEAH. 94 00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:54,046 HITIN THEM HARD. NOW RUSSIANS WILL BE FORCED TO 95 00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:55,281 DO THE UNTHINKABLE: DINE AT THE RUSSIAN ARBY'S-- "WE HAVE THE 96 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,617 BEETS!" ( LAUGHTER ) 97 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:04,223 TO LASH OUT-- CRISPY CURLS AND COKE. 98 00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:09,061 TO LASH OUT AT A REASONABLE WORLD THAT HATES PUTIN'S 99 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,098 GROTESQUE WAR CRIMES, YESTERDAY, RUSSIA RELEASED A LIST OF 100 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:18,037 UNFRIENDLY COUNTRIES, INCLUDING AUSTRALIA, GREAT BRITAIN, 101 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,406 CANADA, SOUTH KOREA, AND THE UNITED STATES. 102 00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:22,041 OH, NO! OH, NO! 103 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:25,578 NOT AN UNFRIENDLY LIST! THIS IS THE MOST DEVASTATING 104 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:29,015 ATTACK SINCE FIDEL CASTRO PUT J.F.K. IN HIS BURN BOOK. 105 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:32,251 ( LAUGHTER ) MEOW. 106 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:40,226 >> Jon: WOW! >> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE 107 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,295 MAJOR POWERS. PUTIN'S LIST ALSO INCLUDES TINY 108 00:07:42,361 --> 00:07:46,299 COUNTRIES LIKE ANDORRA, SAN MARINO, AND MICRONESIA. 109 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:50,069 IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY: THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY, IS MY... 110 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:56,242 CRONESIA. IN ADDITION-- THANK YOU, THANK 111 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,777 YOU VERY MUCH. >> Jon: THAT'S FANTASTIC. 112 00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,979 I LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 113 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:04,083 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( APPLAUSE ) 114 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:10,022 IN ADDITION TO BEING AWESOME, CLASSIFYING A COUNTRY AS 115 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:13,826 "UNFRIENDLY" IS ALSO AN ECONOMIC MANEUVER, ALLOWING THE RUSSIAN 116 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:16,062 GOVERNMENT, COMPANIES, AND CITIZENS TO TEMPORARILY PAY 117 00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,731 FOREIGN DEBTS IN RUBLES. NOOOOO! 118 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:21,334 NOT RUBLES! RUBLES ARE WORTHLESS NOW! 119 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:32,979 THIS IS LIKE WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR BREAKS YOUR LAWNMOWER AND TRIES 120 00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:34,180 "DAVE-BUCKS." IT'S NOT MONEY IF I CAN ONLY USE 121 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,515 IT IN YOUR HOUSE, DAVE. ZELENSKY IS NOT THE ONLY 122 00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:37,950 INSPIRING UKRAINIAN. ORDINARY PEOPLE THERE HAVE GIVEN 123 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,019 US SO MANY IMAGES OF HOPE AMID THE HARDSHIP, LIKE THIS VIDEO OF 124 00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,021 A LITTLE GIRL IN A BOMB SHELTER IN KYIV SINGING THE RUSSIAN 125 00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:56,969 VERSION OF "LET IT GO." 126 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,872 VERSION OF "LET IT GO." 127 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:03,175 >> Stephen: THAT LITTLE GIRL IS AMAZING. 128 00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:08,848 ( APPLAUSE ). THAT'S INCREDIBLE. 129 00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,283 SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO CAN MAKE EVERY 130 00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:14,020 PARENT I KNOW SAY, "LET'S LISTEN TO 'LET IT GO' AGAIN." 131 00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:20,960 ( LAUGHTER ) SHE IS RISKING THE ANGER OF THE 132 00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,628 ONLY FORCE SCARIER THAN THE RUSSIAN ARMY: DISNEY LAWYERS. 133 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:26,032 THEY WILL FIND YOU. THEY WILL FIND YOU. 134 00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:34,373 THE POLICY IN UKRAINE IS THAT WHILE MEN AGED 18 TO 60 NEED TO 135 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,709 STAY AND FIGHT, WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN LEAVE. 136 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:38,044 BUT AS THE WAR ESCALATES, MORE WOMEN ARE RETURNING, LIKE THIS 137 00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:39,879 GROUP OF MOMS, WHO HAD A VERY TOUGH MESSAGE FOR RUSSIA. 138 00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:42,014 >> ( translated ): WE ARE WOMEN OF UKRAINE. 139 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:46,018 WE HAVE BLESSED OUR MEN TO PROTECT OUR LAND. 140 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,888 WE HAVE ALREADY TAKEN OUR CHILDREN TO SAFETY. 141 00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,089 WE JOIN THE MEN AND THE UKRAINIAN ARMY. 142 00:09:50,156 --> 00:10:00,666 >> Stephen: PUTIN, YOU DONE MESSED UP NOW. 143 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,736 YOU MADE THE MOMS MAD. YOU MADE MOM MAD! 144 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:08,774 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOBODY-- EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY 145 00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:13,479 BE KNOWS DON'T MAKE MOMS MAD. MOMS WERE BUILT FOR CONFLICT! 146 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,147 THEY CAN FIND ANYTHING, EAT DINNER IN UNDER 20 SECONDS, AND 147 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,415 KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, EVEN IF YOU'RE UPSTAIRS 148 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:21,153 AND COMPLETELY SILENT. IF THEY USE PUTIN'S MIDDLE NAME, 149 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:26,025 IT IS OVER: "VLADIMIR VLADIMIROVICH PUTIN, 150 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:32,832 GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN, 'CAUSE I HAVE AN AK-46 AND 151 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,835 WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE." IT'S FITTING TO WATCH THAT VIDEO 152 00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,037 ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. AND INVASION OR NOT-- 153 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:46,012 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UKRAINE ARE STILL MARKING THE 154 00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,647 OCCASION. >> TODAY, BY THE WAY, IS THE 8th 155 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:55,521 OF MARCH, AND THIS IS THE WOMEN'S DAY. 156 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,958 THE DAY IS PRETTY MUCH-- A LOT CELEBRATED IN UKRAINE. 157 00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:01,293 AND TODAY IS SOME MAN FROM THE TERRITORIAL DEFENSE UNIT, 158 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,230 THEY CAME TO THE BOMB SHELTER WITH A LOT OF FLOWERS. 159 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:07,700 THE GUYS JUST BROUGHT IT TO US. >> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL-- 160 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,036 FLOWERS IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE. 161 00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,371 AMERICAN MEN-- ( APPLAUSE ) 162 00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:16,976 UP. ( LAUGHTER ) 163 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:21,247 LONGER BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR 164 00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,649 INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, SAYING, "HEY, TURNS OUT THERE'S 165 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:28,020 AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY! ARE YOU INTERNATIONAL? 166 00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:31,157 YOU'RE NATIONAL, RIGHT? YOU'RE NOT INTERNATIONAL. 167 00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:35,194 I DIDN'T MISS, ANY RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU LIVE HERE." 168 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,695 SO MANY UKRAINIAN CITIZENS ARE DOING THEIR PART TO RESIST 169 00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,431 PUTIN'S AGGRESSION. CASE IN POINT: OVER THE WEEKEND, 170 00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:40,633 WHEN AN ADVISOR TO THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT TWEETED, "IN KYIV A 171 00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:44,036 WOMAN KNOCKED DOWN A RUSSIAN DRONE FROM A BALCONY WITH A JAR 172 00:11:44,103 --> 00:11:46,005 OF CUCUMBERS. HOW DID THEY EXPECT TO OCCUPY 173 00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:49,341 THIS COUNTRY?" THAT'S RIGHT! 174 00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:58,017 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UKRAINIAN GRANDMOTHERS HAVE 175 00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:04,223 WEAPONIZED PICKLES! AND THEY'RE NOT GHERKIN AROUND. 176 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,526 HERE'S THE DILL-EO: MESS WITH UKRAINE, AND THEY'LL RELISH THE 177 00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:10,029 OPPORTUNITY TO HIT YOU WITH A PICKLE SPEAR, OR EVEN WORSE, 178 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:13,466 DROP A TACTICAL CUKE. ( APPLAUSE ). 179 00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:25,644 YEAH! >> Stephen: CORNICHON. 180 00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:30,449 ONE WRINKLE: NOBODY WAS ABLE TO VERIFY THE PICKLE STORY, AND A 181 00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:33,486 LOT OF PEOPLE WROTE IT OFF AS AN URBAN LEGEND. 182 00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:36,522 BUT THEN THE UKRAINIAN NEWS SITE liga.net DID THE PULITZER- AND 183 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,757 PICKLE-WORTHY JOURNALISM AND TRACKED THE WOMAN DOWN. 184 00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,459 AND IT TURNS OUT, SADLY, THE STORY WAS NOT TRUE. 185 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,695 THE WOMAN WANTS TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT: THOSE WERE 186 00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:46,398 NOT PICKLED CUCUMBERS. SHE ACTUALLY KNOCKED DOWN THE 187 00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:52,204 RUSSIAN DRONE WITH A JAR OF PICKLED TOMATOES. 188 00:12:52,271 --> 00:13:03,482 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHICH MEANS I'VE 189 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,717 GOTTA UPDATE MY JOKES: PUTIN'S NEVER GOING TO KETCHUP 190 00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,152 WHEN THE BEEFSTEAKS ARE THIS HIGH. 191 00:13:06,218 --> 00:13:08,053 THERE'S MARI-NARY A CHANCE HE CAN STOP THE HEIR-LOOMING 192 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,490 INSURGENCY. IT'S TIME TO SHOW HIM THE 193 00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:15,761 POMODOOR-O SO HE CAN BRUSCHETT-OUTTA THERE. 194 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:16,896 TOMATO, TOMAHTO, INVADO, INVAHDO, HE SHOULD JUST CALL THE 195 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:28,207 WHOLE WAR OFF. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 196 00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:30,876 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JOHN C. REILLY 197 00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:32,211 AND BROADWAY STAR KRISTIN CHENOWETH. 198 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:35,314 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! 199 00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,015 JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪ 200 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:10,583 JOHN BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. THERE YOU GO. 201 00:14:10,649 --> 00:14:16,388 ( APPLAUSE ) JIM, CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THAT? 202 00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:19,825 HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. THAT DOME, RIGHT THERE. 203 00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:24,630 THOSE ARE ALL WOMEN. THOSE ARE-- THOSE ARE ALL 204 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,498 WONDERFUL WOMEN WHO WORK AT "THE LATE SHOW." 205 00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:27,933 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PUTTING THAT UP THERE. 206 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,537 THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL SHOT, BEAUTIFUL SHOT. 207 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,740 ( APPLAUSE ) HERE, I HAVE THE CARDS, THE 208 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,710 QUESTIONS HERE FOR TWO EXTRAORDINARY GUESTS, JOHN C. 209 00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:39,712 REILLY IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. 210 00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:47,720 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). THE NEW ADAM McKAY THING, AND 211 00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,356 AN ABSOLUTE BROADWAY TREASURE, NATIONAL TREASURE, JOHN F. 212 00:14:50,422 --> 00:14:52,324 KENNEDY JR. IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. 213 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,560 HOW DO YOU FIT THIS MUCH INTO ONE SHOW? 214 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:59,765 HOW DO WE DO IT? VOLUME. 215 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:03,769 FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ASSEMBLING THE 216 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:07,773 DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST-IMPORTANT STORIES, THEN HAND-SHAPING THEM 217 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,777 INTO SLEEK, ELEGANT BODYWORK, WHICH I LINE WITH ONLY THE 218 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:15,748 FINEST, MOST TOPICAL POLISHED MACASSAR EBONY AND OPEN-PORE 219 00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:20,052 PALDAO VENEER, ADDING LIGHT MOCCASIN AND DARK SPICE LEATHER 220 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:23,656 SEATS, AND MALABAR TEAK WOOD TO SET OFF A SCULPTED MINIMALIST 221 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:27,760 SWITCHGEAR, ACCOMPANIED BY A STERLING SILVER HUMIDOR AND 222 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:31,764 CHAMPAGNE CELLARETTE, THEN HAND-SET 1,600 FIBRE OPTIC 223 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,966 LIGHTS ALIGNED WITH PINPOINT PERFORATIONS IN THE ROOF-LINING, 224 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:39,772 TO CREATE FOR YOU THE BESPOKE COACH BUILT ROLLS-ROYCE SWEPTAIL 225 00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:45,044 THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, 226 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,746 I JUST SHRIEK AWAKE IN THE SCRAPYARD OF A DERELICT MACHINE 227 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:52,284 SHOP, SCAVENGE THE 3.6-HORSEPOWER BRIGGS & STRATTON 228 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:55,421 LAWN MOWER ENGINE OFF AN OVERTURNED LAWNMOWER, BULLY A 229 00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,722 DOG INTO GIVING ME ITS FRISBEE TO USE AS A STEERING WHEEL, THEN 230 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:57,923 I BRIEFLY CONSIDER-- BUT DECIDE AGAINST-- SWIPING THE BRAKE PADS 231 00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:00,592 OFF AN UNATTENDED HEARSE, BECAUSE WHERE I'M GOING, I DON'T 232 00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:02,961 NEED BRAKES. I HOOK IT ALL UP TO A RUSTY 233 00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:07,800 DOLLAR TREE SHOPPING CART, SHOTGUN A WHITE CLAW, SPRAY 234 00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,835 PAINT MY TEETH, AND BLAST OFF IN THE "FURY ROAD" THUG-BUGGY OF 235 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:16,909 NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! 236 00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:31,857 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A BOX OF HUMAN HEADS 237 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,025 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A BOX OF HUMAN HEADS 238 00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:36,428 WAS STOLEN IN DENVER. YET ANOTHER STORY STRAIGHT FROM 239 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:45,838 THE SMILE FILE. ♪ ♪ ♪ 240 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,307 THE HEADS WERE DESTINED FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH-- EVERYONE 241 00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:49,641 KEEPS INSISTING-- AND THE C.E.O. OF THE COMPANY THAT WAS 242 00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:51,143 SHIPPING THE HEADS SAYS, "THIS IS AN EXTREMELY RARE SITUATION." 243 00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,979 DID YOU HEAR THAT? "RARE." 244 00:16:54,046 --> 00:17:01,820 NOT UNPRECEDENTED. "WE LOST ANOTHER BOX OF HEADS, 245 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:15,701 GUYS. >> WHOEVER TOOK THEM COULD FACE 246 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,036 CHARGES AS WELL. >> THE THEFT OF A HUMAN HEAD IN 247 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:21,840 A BOX COULD BE A PETTY OFFENSE TO A FELONY IF THE VALUE OF A 248 00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:33,819 HEAD IN TOTAL IS ABOVE $2,000. >> Stephen: WHO DOES THAT 249 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:37,823 APPRAISAL? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT 250 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:42,294 EPISODE OF REQUESTED ANTIQUES ROADSHOW." 251 00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:44,096 "I GET THERE'S SENTIMENTAL VALUE, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT 252 00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:45,597 NOTICE A LITTLE WEAR AROUND THE NECK. 253 00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:48,100 AND, OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD HAVE MORE CACHET IF IT WAS STILL 254 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,835 PAIRED WITH ITS ORIGINAL BODY. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR 255 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,704 GRANDMOTHER GOT IT?" AS OF NOW, THE HEADS ARE STILL 256 00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,239 AT LARGE, AND AUTHORITIES SAY, "IF YOU FIND THE BOX OF HEADS 257 00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,241 DISCARDED OR ABANDONED, YOU'RE ASKED TO CALL THE DENVER 258 00:17:56,308 --> 00:18:01,814 POLICE." WELL, YEAH. 259 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,551 WHO FINDS A BOX OF HUMAN HEADS AND SAYS, "I DON'T SEE WHY THIS 260 00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:12,291 NEEDS TO GO ANY FURTHER." MEANWHILE, DR. OZ HAS ACCUSED 261 00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:15,794 HIS SISTER OF STEALING MILLIONS FROM HIM. 262 00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:17,863 GOSH, DR. OZ, SOMEONE ABUSED YOUR TRUST FOR PROFIT? 263 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,834 THAT MUST FEEL AWFUL. YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR CURES THAT 264 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:25,871 FEELING? GREEN COFFEE BEAN EXTRACT. 265 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:31,977 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE... 266 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:40,385 ( APPLAUSE ) KENTUCKY, EVERYONE IS FINE, BUT 267 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,820 THE BUFFALO TRACE DISTILLERY WAS EVACUATED AFTER WORKERS FOUND A 268 00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,424 WORLD WAR II INCENDIARY BOMB, AND IT'S UNKNOWN HOW LONG THE 269 00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:49,094 BOMB WAS THERE. IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO FIGURE OUT 270 00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:50,796 BECAUSE OF ALL THE DIFFERENT MAJOR WORLD WAR II BATTLES THAT 271 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,832 WERE FOUGHT IN FRANKLIN COUNTY, KENTUCKY. 272 00:18:53,899 --> 00:19:01,473 ( LAUGHTER ) FAMILIAR WITH ROCKETS BEING 273 00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:08,013 SHAPED LIKE PENISES. AND SOME ARE LOOKING TO BRING 274 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,349 EQUALITY TO THE SPACE, BECAUSE A GERMAN FEMINIST ART GROUP HAS 275 00:19:10,415 --> 00:19:13,819 REVEALED A VULVA-SHAPED SPACESHIP CONCEPT. 276 00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:22,027 ( APPLAUSE ) UNFORTUNATELY, MANY MALE 277 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:25,063 ASTRONAUTS ARE STILL HAVING TROUBLE FINDING THE CONTROLS. 278 00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:29,434 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST ASK, GUYS! 279 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:37,576 JUST ASK. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! 280 00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,579 MEANWHILE, A DINOSAUR FOSSIL DISCOVERY MAY BE THE OLDEST 281 00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:44,016 STEGOSAUR EVER FOUND. AND IF CBS' DEMOGRAPHIC RESEARCH 282 00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:50,088 IS ACCURATE, THAT STEGOSAURUS IS WATCHING THIS TELEVISION SHOW 283 00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,858 RIGHT NOW. THANKS FOR STAYING UP, STEGGY. 284 00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:54,326 MEANWHILE, A CANADIAN MOVIE THEATER WITH 13 SEATS HAS BEEN 285 00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:57,696 OFFICIALLY NAMED THE WORLD'S SMALLEST CINEMA. 286 00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,933 AND YET, THEY STILL COULDN'T FILL IT FOR ONE SCREENING OF 287 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:05,504 "THE LAST DUEL." ( LAUGHTER ) 288 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:17,215 ( LAUGHTER ) MAINE, A COUNTY COURTHOUSE WILL 289 00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:20,018 SOON "HAVE A DEDICATED COURTHOUSE THERAPY DOG, MEANT TO 290 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:21,853 BE A CALMING PRESENCE IN A STRESSFUL ENVIRONMENT. 291 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,824 AND I HOPE IT WORKS OUT BETTER THAN MAINE'S LAST IDEA: THE 292 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:30,596 COURTHOUSE COMFORT CLOWN. ( LAUGHTER ) 293 00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:34,566 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN C. REILLY. 294 00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:35,901 NONE OF YOU SAW IT! 295 00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,853 CAN'T WAIT. I CANNOT WAIT. 296 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,757 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! I'M GLAD YOU WERE HERE TO SEE 297 00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:02,227 THAT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST 298 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:05,097 GUEST HAS STARRED IN SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES, INCLUDING 299 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:06,465 "BOOGIE NIGHTS," "CHICAGO," AND "STEP BROTHERS." 300 00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:10,802 HE NOW PLAYS THE MAN WHO CREATED THE N.B.A.'S SHOWTIME LAKERS IN 301 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:12,471 THE NEW HBO SERIES "WINNING TIME: THE RISE OF THE LAKERS 302 00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:14,740 DYNASTY." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 303 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:29,688 SHOW," JOHN C. REILLY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 304 00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:34,226 SHOW," JOHN C. REILLY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 305 00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:37,529 YOU'RE FUNNY, MAN. >> Stephen: GOOD STUFF. 306 00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:40,032 HEY, THANKS FOR BEING BACK. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 307 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,701 >> IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE, STEPHEN. 308 00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:44,436 >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE SINCE 2018. 309 00:21:44,503 --> 00:21:47,739 >> BEFORE THE GREAT PLAGUE. >> Stephen: SOMETHING I SAID? 310 00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:50,208 SOMETHING I DID? DID I UPSET YOU? 311 00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:53,311 >> I WAS WATCHING YOU AT HOME, AT YOUR DESK AT HOME FOR A WHILE 312 00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:56,014 THERE, AND NOW WE'RE ALL LUCKY TO BE HERE TOGETHER. 313 00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:59,818 >> Stephen: ISN'T THIS LOVELY? PLOFL PEOPLE. 314 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:04,156 ( APPLAUSE ) GOT EVIDENTLY AN OSCAR SEASON 315 00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:07,459 THIS YEAR, AND YOU'VE GOT A REAL SHOT THIS YEAR. 316 00:22:07,526 --> 00:22:09,995 THERE'S A LOT OF BUZZ. >> I HAVE BEEN CAMPAIGNING FOR 317 00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:16,835 THE OSCARS. I AM IN AN OSCAR-NOMINTED 318 00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:19,571 PICTURE THIS YEAR. "LICORICE PIZZA." 319 00:22:19,638 --> 00:22:21,907 >> Stephen: YOU DID NOT NECESSARILY REMEMBER YOU HAVING 320 00:22:21,973 --> 00:22:25,877 A BIG PART IN THAT. >> YOU MIGHT HAVE BLINKED DURING 321 00:22:25,944 --> 00:22:27,746 MY SCENE. IT WAS LITERALLY THAT FAST. 322 00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:31,550 I PLAY HERMAN MUNSTER IN "LICORICE PIZZA." 323 00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:34,820 AND THIS IS THE EVIDENCE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 324 00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:36,455 >> THERE I AM. >> Stephen: HOW LONG ARE YOU 325 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:39,257 ON SCREEN? >> THE CAMERA PASSES BY ME 326 00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:41,460 QUICKLY. BUT I THINK CAMEOS SHOULD BE 327 00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,829 HONORED BY THE ACADEMY. >> Stephen: SURE. 328 00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:45,597 OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN CAMEO. 329 00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,333 >> CAMEO, BUT ALSO MAKEUP. >> Stephen: DID YOU-- HOW LONG 330 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,902 DID IT TAKE TO GET INTO THIS SITUATION HERE? 331 00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:56,374 >> WELL, IT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE "LICORICE PIZZA" WAS 332 00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:59,644 SHOT DURING THE LOCKDOWN. AND ONE OF THE THINGS PAUL 333 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:02,914 ANDERSON DID WAS SAY WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE ACTORS HAVE THEIR 334 00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:06,118 COSTUMES AT HOME, THEY'LL DO THEIR OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP AND 335 00:23:06,184 --> 00:23:07,819 COME IN. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO MESS WITH 336 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:10,322 THE OUTER CIRCLES OF CONTAMINATION. 337 00:23:10,388 --> 00:23:12,657 JOHN, I WANT YOU TO PLAY HERMAN MUNSTER." 338 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:18,130 I SAID, "OKAY, COOL." ", WE'RE ALL DOING OUR OWN 339 00:23:18,196 --> 00:23:19,798 MAKEUP." "THAT'S A LOT. 340 00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:22,801 I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL." "IT'S FINE. 341 00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:28,807 IF IT LOOKS CHEESY, IT'S FINE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOMEMADE, 342 00:23:28,874 --> 00:23:32,043 ANYWAY." I WAS IN A BLIND PANIC FOR A 343 00:23:32,110 --> 00:23:35,747 BLINK AND YOU NIS PART. I HAVE A FRACKEN STEIN THING AND 344 00:23:35,814 --> 00:23:38,750 CUT IT OUT AND PUT IT ON MY HEAD AND THE GREEN MAKEPUP AND I 345 00:23:38,817 --> 00:23:41,787 COULDN'T GET THE BACK OF NIGH NECK IN THESE OTHER PLACES. 346 00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:45,857 AND PAUL'S KIDS HELPED ME. PAUL'S LITTLE CHILDREN-- YES-- 347 00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:51,396 THERE THEY ARE. IDA, JACK, AND LUCY, ALL HELPING 348 00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:54,900 ME WITH MY MAKEUP, GETTING THE SPOTS I COULDN'T GET IN THE BACK 349 00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:57,869 AND EVERYTHING. ANYWAY, IT WAS ADORABLE. 350 00:23:57,936 --> 00:23:59,404 >> Stephen: THAT IS ADORABLE. THAT'S NICE. 351 00:23:59,471 --> 00:24:03,275 ( APPLAUSE ) >> I HOPE THE ACADEMY HONORS 352 00:24:03,341 --> 00:24:04,543 THAT. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW 353 00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:10,882 STARRING IN THE HBO SERIES "WINNING TIME," AND YOU PLAY 354 00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:14,152 JERRY BUSS WHO BOUGHT THE LAKERS AND KIND OF CHANGED THE N.B.A. 355 00:24:14,219 --> 00:24:18,123 FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T FOLLOW WHAT AN IMPACT THAT WAS, EXPLAIN 356 00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:21,860 TO THEM WHAT GER DE. >> HE NOT ONLY CHANGEDLY THE 357 00:24:21,927 --> 00:24:24,429 N.B.A. HE CHANGED THE WHOLE WORLD OF 358 00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:25,931 ENTERTAINMENT. IF YOU LOOK AT PROFESSIONAL 359 00:24:25,997 --> 00:24:30,602 SPORTS NOW, YOU KNOW, LIKE, JERRY BROUGHT CHEERLEADERS TO 360 00:24:30,669 --> 00:24:32,270 PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL GAMES. >> Stephen: LAKERS GIRLS. 361 00:24:32,337 --> 00:24:34,773 >> YEAH, DIDN'T EXIST BEFORE THAT. 362 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,543 I MEAN, BASICALLY, BEFORE JERRY GOT INVOLVED IN THE GAME IT WAS 363 00:24:38,610 --> 00:24:41,713 LIKE EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS AN ATHLETIC EVENT, LIKE IT WAS 364 00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:45,717 ABOUT REBOUNDS AND STRAPS OR SOMETHING, AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO, 365 00:24:45,784 --> 00:24:49,054 IT'S ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT! AND WHEN PEOPLE COME HERE WE 366 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,524 WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE MUSIC, AND WE'RE 367 00:24:52,591 --> 00:24:54,860 GOG HAVE DANCERS." YOU KNOW, EVEN SOMETHING AS 368 00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:57,796 SIMPLE AS BEING IN DEBT TO THE GREAT WESTERN BANK, HE'S LIKE, 369 00:24:57,863 --> 00:25:00,332 I'LL NAME THE STADIUM AFTER YOU. HOW ABOUT THAT?" 370 00:25:00,398 --> 00:25:02,534 HE WAS THE FIRST GUY TO DO THAT. >> Stephen: HE CHANGED THAT. 371 00:25:02,601 --> 00:25:05,303 >> YEAH, AND ALL THESE THINGS NAMED AFTER COMPANIES, HE WAS 372 00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:09,808 THE FIRST ONE TO DO IT. ANYWAY, HE CREATED KIND OF 373 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:13,945 STADIUM ENTERTAINMENT IN 1979. WHICH, AT THE TIME, BASKETBALL 374 00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:18,149 WAS BEING BEAT IN THE TELEVISION RATINGS BY GOLF AND BOWLING. 375 00:25:18,216 --> 00:25:20,986 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW. 376 00:25:21,052 --> 00:25:26,591 HERE YOU ARE AS JERRY BUSS. THERE YOU ARE RIGHT THERE. 377 00:25:26,658 --> 00:25:28,627 WITH THE ACTOR PLAYING MAGIC JOHNSON RIGHT THERE. 378 00:25:28,693 --> 00:25:30,695 >> QUINCY ISAIAH. >> Stephen: QUINCY ISAIAH. 379 00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:33,498 I HAVE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING-- CAN WE PUT THAT BACK UP THERE 380 00:25:33,565 --> 00:25:36,334 ONE MORE TIME, PLEASE, JIM. HERE ARE YOU RIGHT THERE. 381 00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:38,703 OBVIOUSLY, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS. 382 00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:44,776 DO YOU DO YOUR OWN COMB-OVER? >> OH, WELL, I HAD SOME VERY 383 00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:46,778 TALENTED PEOPLE HELPING ME WITH MY COMB-OVER. 384 00:25:46,845 --> 00:25:48,947 BUT JERRY DID HIS OWN COMB-OVER. >> Stephen: YEAH. 385 00:25:49,014 --> 00:25:54,519 >> HE HAD, APPARENTLY, A CASE OF AQUANET AT HOME AT ALL TIMES. 386 00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:58,189 AND YOU'LL SEE IT IN THE SHOW. I THINK LATER IN THE EPISODES, 387 00:25:58,256 --> 00:26:01,826 YOU SEE HE DO IT. I SHOW HOW HE DID IT. 388 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,329 BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE SHOT THE PILOT, MY HAIR WAS NOT THAT 389 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:06,631 LONG, AND I DIDN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE. 390 00:26:06,698 --> 00:26:10,602 SO WE JUST MADE THIS LITTLE PIECE, AND I PUT A FAKE IN STASH 391 00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:14,105 ON. THEN CORONA HIT AND WE HAD THIS 392 00:26:14,172 --> 00:26:19,144 LONG BREAK, AND BY THE TIME WE GOT BACK SOT SEASON, MY HAIR WAS 393 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:23,882 PANDEMIC HAIR: "HELLO, HONE, WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?" 394 00:26:23,949 --> 00:26:28,153 AND I GREW A MUR STASH, AND I WENT IN FOR THE FITTING. 395 00:26:28,219 --> 00:26:29,721 AND THEY WERE LIKE, HERE'S THE WIG." 396 00:26:29,788 --> 00:26:33,558 AND I WAS LIKE, "GUYS, I MIGHT BE CRAZY HERE, BUT I THINK I GOT 397 00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:34,993 THIS. GIVE ME THAT BRUSH!" 398 00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:40,365 AND I BRUSQUED IT UP AND BRUSHED IT OVER AND PULLED IT ACROSS AND 399 00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:45,804 I WAS LIKE, I DON'T NEED A WIG! I HAVE AN ACTUAL COMB-OVER. 400 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,473 GLCHMENT HOW DID IT FEEL? >> IT FELT GREAT. 401 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,675 YOU CAN SEE I'M LOSE SOMETHING REAL ESTATE UP FRONT. 402 00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:54,346 I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO HIDE THAT-- OR AS MUCH AS I CAN. 403 00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:57,515 I LIKE HATS. ( LAUGHTER ) 404 00:26:57,582 --> 00:27:02,253 THERE'S A REASON PEOPLE DO THIS. LIKE, WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT FROM 405 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,824 THE FRONT, IT'S ALL GOOD! ( LAUGHTER ) 406 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:09,194 YOUR HAIR UP. >> Stephen: SURE. 407 00:27:09,260 --> 00:27:12,697 >> THEY'LL NEVER KNOW. >> Stephen: THIS CAMERA, THIS 408 00:27:12,764 --> 00:27:14,299 CAMERA'S GOT THE ANGLE. WE HAVE A CLIP. 409 00:27:14,366 --> 00:27:16,034 DO YOU WANT TO SET UP WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE CLIP? 410 00:27:16,101 --> 00:27:19,771 >> YEAH. SO EVERYONE IS CONSTANTLY 411 00:27:19,838 --> 00:27:21,639 UNDERESTIMATING JERRY AT THE BEGINNING, AND HE'S SORT OF 412 00:27:21,706 --> 00:27:24,309 SAYING, LISTEN, I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED BUT LEAVE THE REST 413 00:27:24,376 --> 00:27:26,945 TO ME," AND I MAKE A PRETTY CHOICE COMMENT HERE AT THE END 414 00:27:27,012 --> 00:27:28,947 OF OUR LITTLE DISCUSSION WHICH YOU'LL SEE. 415 00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:32,183 >> Stephen: OKAY, JIM. >> YOU'RE A BUSINESSMAN. 416 00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:41,192 YOU ALL WANT PEE FROM A TREE BUT WHEN YOU SEE THE PRIZE, YOUR 417 00:27:41,259 --> 00:27:46,097 SPHINCTER PUCKERS. LAIS THERE LAST YEAR'S BUDGET? 418 00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:47,832 >> WE'RE STILL WORKING ON THE NEW ONE. 419 00:27:47,899 --> 00:27:52,404 >> WELL, DON'T BOTHER. JERRY, I TOLD YOU WHEN WE 420 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:55,106 DRAFTED JOHNSON, ALL THE OTHER BASKETBALL WAS UP TO YOU. 421 00:27:55,173 --> 00:28:00,145 AND I WILL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED. 422 00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:04,215 NOW TAKE THE WEEK AND COME BACK TO ME ABOUT WHAT THAT IS. 423 00:28:04,282 --> 00:28:08,453 IN THE MEANTIME-- >> MARIA. 424 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:15,427 >> YOU LEAVE THE PRICE TAG AND MY BEAUTIFUL SPHINCTER, UP TO 425 00:28:15,493 --> 00:28:16,995 ME. >> THERE YOU GO. 426 00:28:17,062 --> 00:28:19,330 >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. REALLY-- REALLY ROLLS OFF THE 427 00:28:19,397 --> 00:28:22,434 TONGUE. >> THAT GESTURE IS WHAT REALLY 428 00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:23,902 CITIZEN. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 429 00:28:23,968 --> 00:28:26,971 QUICK BREAK. STICK AROUND, AND WHEN WE COME 430 00:28:27,038 --> 00:28:29,774 BACK, I'LL ASK JOHN IF HE EVER PLAYED BALL, WHAT ARE HIS BONA 431 00:28:29,841 --> 00:28:30,308 FIDES. 432 00:28:41,853 --> 00:28:48,159 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, JOHN C. REILLY. 433 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:51,896 HAS THIS CHANGED HOW YOU WATCH BASKETBALL NOW THAT YOU SORT OF 434 00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:55,366 HAVE BEEN PROFESSIONALLY INSIDE THE MIND OF AN OWNER? 435 00:28:55,433 --> 00:28:59,904 >> UH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS GUY'S STORY IS INCREDIBLE. 436 00:28:59,971 --> 00:29:02,474 AND WHEN I WAS OFFERED THIS PART, I REALIZED, LIKE, THIS IS 437 00:29:02,540 --> 00:29:05,310 ONE OF THE GREATEST AMERICANS I'VE EVER READ ABOUT. 438 00:29:05,376 --> 00:29:08,847 THE GUY STARTED OUT IN RURAL WYOMING IN THE DEPRESSION WITH A 439 00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:12,517 SINGLE MOTHER, AND HE ENDED UP BECOMING, LIKE THE KING OF L.A. 440 00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:16,855 ALONG THE WAY, GOT-- WENT TO COLLEGE IN WYOMING, GOT A 441 00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:20,525 MASTER'S AND A DOCTORATE IN PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY, WORKED FOR 442 00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:23,228 THE AERONAUTICS INDUSTRY DESIGNING ROCKET TRAJECTORIES 443 00:29:23,294 --> 00:29:29,234 FOR THE GOVERNMENT, STARTED TO TEACH CHEMISTRY AT U.S.C., AS A 444 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:31,302 PROFESSOR. THEN AMASSED THIS REAL ESTATE 445 00:29:31,369 --> 00:29:34,105 PROFILE WHEN HE REALIZED, LIKE, I WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN A 446 00:29:34,172 --> 00:29:37,375 PROFESSOR. AND HE TRADED-- HE TRADED-- HE 447 00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:41,446 PAID HALF IN CASH AND HALF IN LAND DEEDS FOR THE LAKE WHERS HE 448 00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:44,149 BOUGHT THEM, INCLUDING THE CHRYSLER BUILDING. 449 00:29:44,215 --> 00:29:46,384 HE, LIKE, SLID THAT ACROSS THE TABLE. 450 00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:51,890 AND THEN, THE FIRST SEASON-- I MEAN, SPOILER ALERT-- THE 451 00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:54,492 FIRST-- IT'S IN THE BOOK. YOU KNOW. 452 00:29:54,559 --> 00:29:59,030 ( LAUGHTER ) HE NEEDED TO DOUBLE ATTENDANCE 453 00:29:59,097 --> 00:30:02,200 AT THE GAMES TO BREAK EVEN AT THE END OF THE SEASON. 454 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:06,371 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BASKETBALL WAS REALLY DOING LOUSY. 455 00:30:06,437 --> 00:30:08,806 AND HE NOT ONLY DOUBLED ATTENDANCE. 456 00:30:08,873 --> 00:30:13,678 HE GO INTO THE PLAY-OFFS AND-- WELL, I WON'T SAY THE LAST 457 00:30:13,745 --> 00:30:16,814 PART-- BUT INCREDIBLY, HE PULLED IT OFF. 458 00:30:16,881 --> 00:30:18,049 INCREDIBLY. >> Stephen: THEY WON A FEW 459 00:30:18,116 --> 00:30:20,018 GAMES. >> YES, THEY WON A FEW GAMES. 460 00:30:20,084 --> 00:30:22,921 >> Stephen: THEY WON A FEW GAMES. 461 00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:26,457 ( APPLAUSE ) GAMES NOW AND REALIZE, WOW, 462 00:30:26,524 --> 00:30:29,928 THERE'S A LOT GOING ON AND THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY AT STAKE. 463 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:33,398 >> Stephen: THE STORY INVOLVES A REVOLVING DOOR OF A LOT OF 464 00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:34,532 DIFFERENT COACHES. >> YES. 465 00:30:34,599 --> 00:30:38,236 >> Stephen: THAT COME IN. DID YOU PLAY BALL?" 466 00:30:38,303 --> 00:30:41,906 >> NO. I'VE BEEN CALLED A WASTE OF 467 00:30:41,973 --> 00:30:43,308 HEIGHT. MARK WAHLBERG CALLED ME A WASTE 468 00:30:43,374 --> 00:30:44,776 OF HEIGHT. >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER 469 00:30:44,842 --> 00:30:47,145 COACH? >> NO, I NEVER COACHED. 470 00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:51,349 BUT WHEN MY BOYS WERE IN LITTLE LEAGUE, I WAS ANNOUNCER. 471 00:30:51,416 --> 00:30:52,717 >> Stephen: YOU CAN GIVE US A TASTE. 472 00:30:52,784 --> 00:30:57,455 >> THE ANNOUNCER-- I MADE A WHOLE FAKE PERSONALITY. 473 00:30:57,522 --> 00:31:04,095 HE WAS EARNIE BELLAVOCEE. WELCOME TO-- WHATEVER IT IS. 474 00:31:04,162 --> 00:31:09,267 AND I HAD THIS WHOLE FAKE VOICE. I HAD ORGAN HITS THEY WOULD 475 00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:12,370 PLAY-- ♪ DU-DU-DU-DU♪ 476 00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:17,375 THERE YOU GO. AND I WOULD ALWAYS SAY, OR 477 00:31:17,442 --> 00:31:20,245 ORGANIST, NANCY HIDELEBERG IS 93 YEARS OLD TODAY. 478 00:31:20,311 --> 00:31:25,450 BIG HAND FOR NANCY HIDELEBERG. AND I WOULD MAKE UP COMMERCIALS, 479 00:31:25,516 --> 00:31:30,822 THE SIXTH INNING IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY STEEL BARRIERS ATHLETIC 480 00:31:30,888 --> 00:31:36,060 PROTECTORS. YOU'RE NOT SAFE UNLESS YOU HAVE 481 00:31:36,127 --> 00:31:37,061 STEVE BARRIERS." ( APPLAUSE ) 482 00:31:37,128 --> 00:31:40,465 >> Stephen: QUALITY. >> I WOULD SAY, LIKE, "THE 483 00:31:40,531 --> 00:31:42,867 FOURTH INNING IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR HOMEWORK. 484 00:31:42,934 --> 00:31:46,738 YOU HAVE DONE IT LATELY?" AND I WOULD ANNOUNCE, LIKE, 485 00:31:46,804 --> 00:31:51,676 BLEED MARY DRINK SPECIALS TSNACK SHARK AND, OF COURSE WE DIDN'T 486 00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,077 HAVE. >> Stephen: IT BEING A LITTLE 487 00:31:53,144 --> 00:31:55,213 LEAGUE GAME. >> BUT THE PARENTS WOULD BE 488 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:56,681 LIKE, WHAT? 50 CENTS? 489 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,317 THIS GAME JUST GOT A LOT MORE FUN. 490 00:31:59,384 --> 00:32:01,185 >> Stephen: JOHN C. REILLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 491 00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:03,121 HERE. >> THANK YOU, STEPHEN, IT'S A 492 00:32:03,187 --> 00:32:04,522 PLEASURE. >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU 493 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,824 AGAIN. >> THANK YOU. 494 00:32:06,891 --> 00:32:09,027 >> Stephen: "WINNING TIME: THE RISE OF THE LAKERS DYNASTY" AIRS 495 00:32:09,093 --> 00:32:10,995 SUNDAY NIGHTS ON HBO. IT'S JOHN C. REILLY, EVERYBODY! 496 00:32:11,062 --> 00:32:14,565 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTIN CHENOWETH. 497 00:32:33,584 --> 00:32:36,788 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." 498 00:32:36,854 --> 00:32:39,524 FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A TONY AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, 499 00:32:39,590 --> 00:32:43,194 SINGER AND BROADWAY STAR TRIPLE THREAT. 500 00:32:43,261 --> 00:32:45,363 PLEASE WELCOME KRISTIN CHENOWETH! 501 00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:53,338 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 502 00:32:53,404 --> 00:32:58,176 >> Stephen: YES. THAT IS THE BEST BAND. 503 00:32:58,242 --> 00:33:00,945 >> WHAT A GREAT AUDIENCE. >> Stephen: ISN'T IT LOVELY TO 504 00:33:01,012 --> 00:33:09,554 BE IN FRONT OF A LIVE ODD YENESS. 505 00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:12,557 >> OH, IT'S LIKE WATER IN A DESERT. 506 00:33:12,623 --> 00:33:16,627 >> Stephen: PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW THIS, YOU AND I FIRST MET-- 507 00:33:16,694 --> 00:33:22,600 WE WERE BOTH IN THIS MOVIE CALLED-- "BEWITCHED" IN 2005. 508 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:27,271 I SPENT I THINK 52 DAYS, AND I APPEAR IN 45 SECONDS IN THIS 509 00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:31,409 MOVIE. BUT I JUST REMEMBER YOU WERE SO 510 00:33:31,476 --> 00:33:34,412 LOVELY TO HANG OUT WITH. YOU WERE SUCH A LOVELY PRESENCE, 511 00:33:34,479 --> 00:33:38,349 AND SO NICE TO ME. >> WELL, YOU DID YOU HAVE ANY 512 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:39,951 LINES? BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU DID. 513 00:33:40,017 --> 00:33:40,885 LAUGH. >> Stephen: I THINK I HAD TWO. 514 00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:46,090 I THINK I HAD TWO LINES. >> WHAT WERE THEY? 515 00:33:46,157 --> 00:33:47,258 "YES? NO?" 516 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:49,861 >> Stephen: MAYBE-- I THINK I SAY-- I I THINK I SAY TO THE 517 00:33:49,927 --> 00:33:52,897 SAMANTHA CHARACTER, I THINK I SAY, "WE CHANGED YOUR LINE." 518 00:33:52,964 --> 00:33:57,835 BECAUSE I PLAY ONE OF THE WRITERS ON THE TV SERIES 519 00:33:57,902 --> 00:33:59,470 "BEWITCHED." >> SO I HAVE A STORY, I DON'T 520 00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:02,907 KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER, BUT I WANT TO TELL IT BECAUSE THIS IS THE 521 00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:08,980 MAN THAT HE IS. ON THE SET, I'M A FAMOUS GUM 522 00:34:09,046 --> 00:34:11,983 CHEWER-- THIS IS EMBARRASSING-- I CHEW WITH MY MOUTH OPEN. 523 00:34:12,049 --> 00:34:18,256 AND NORAH YELLS-- YOU KNOW, ," PLACES." 524 00:34:18,322 --> 00:34:22,593 >> Stephen: THIS IS NORAH EPHRON. 525 00:34:22,660 --> 00:34:26,431 >> "ROLLING." >> I'M SMACKING AWAY. 526 00:34:26,497 --> 00:34:31,068 AND HE GOES, "GUM." AND I SAID, WHAT DID YOU DO?" 527 00:34:31,135 --> 00:34:35,973 AND HE SAID, "GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE IT TO ME." 528 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:41,579 AND I WENT... AND HE TOOK IT. >> Stephen: ANY TIME YOU NEED 529 00:34:41,646 --> 00:34:42,980 I'M THERE. YOU CALL ME. 530 00:34:43,047 --> 00:34:46,050 I'LL TAKE YOUR GUM. >> IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING. 531 00:34:46,117 --> 00:34:49,821 I'M NOT DONE. THE ONLY AUDIENCE I'VE HAD IS MY 532 00:34:49,887 --> 00:34:51,022 DOG. WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU NEXT IS 533 00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:55,293 A FEW YEARS LATER WE'RE ON THE RED CARPET AND YOU AND YOUR 534 00:34:55,359 --> 00:34:56,227 WIFE. >> Stephen: EVIE. 535 00:34:56,294 --> 00:34:57,462 >> I LIKE HER A LOT. >> Stephen: I DO, TOO. 536 00:34:57,528 --> 00:35:03,534 >> I'M LIKE, HI, Y'ALL, HI. AND I'M PROBABLY GOING... AND HE 537 00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:07,538 GOES, "SO, I MIGHT BE GETTING MY OWN SHOW." 538 00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:11,943 AND I SAID, "OH, THAT'S SO SWEET. 539 00:35:12,009 --> 00:35:13,211 GOOD LUCK." HERE WE ARE. 540 00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:16,347 I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY 541 00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:18,249 MUCH THANK YOU. >> YOU DESERVE IT. 542 00:35:18,316 --> 00:35:20,351 >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 543 00:35:20,418 --> 00:35:25,022 >> YOU DESERVE IT SCBLU CLEARLY >> Stephen: YOU CLEARLY LOVE 544 00:35:25,089 --> 00:35:27,291 BEING IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE. >> I HATE IT. 545 00:35:27,358 --> 00:35:31,596 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A BROADWAY STARK YOU TOUR, YOU HAVE A 546 00:35:31,662 --> 00:35:34,665 MASTERS IN OPERA PERFORMANCE. WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEING AWAY FROM 547 00:35:34,732 --> 00:35:40,771 AN AUDIENCE FOR TWO YEARS? WHAT WERE YOU DOING SINGING TO 548 00:35:40,838 --> 00:35:44,509 THE DOG? >> I WAS SINGING TO MY DOG, 549 00:35:44,575 --> 00:35:45,510 THUNDER. >> Stephen: THUNDER. 550 00:35:45,576 --> 00:35:48,446 >> AFTER THE N.B.A. KEVIN DURANT, I HOPE YOU'RE 551 00:35:48,513 --> 00:35:51,315 HAPPY. ANYWAY, I FOUND MYSELF USING 552 00:35:51,382 --> 00:35:54,719 CLOROX AND CLEANING AND DOING HIGH NOTES, JUST LIKE CLEAN AND 553 00:35:54,785 --> 00:35:56,888 HIGH NOTE. JUST CLEAN AND HIGH NOTE. 554 00:35:56,954 --> 00:35:59,991 AND MY FIANCE WAS LIKE, "YOU SHOULD DO THIS ON TIKTOK. 555 00:36:00,057 --> 00:36:02,960 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT IT TIKTOK?" 556 00:36:03,027 --> 00:36:05,129 HE'S YOUNGER THAN ME. ANYWAY, HE'S TAUGHT ME A LOT. 557 00:36:05,196 --> 00:36:08,165 HE SAID, "LET'S DO THE HIGH NOTES." 558 00:36:08,232 --> 00:36:11,102 SO I STARTED DOING -- >> Stephen: HOW HIGH ARE WE 559 00:36:11,168 --> 00:36:12,169 TALKING HERE? >> REALLY? 560 00:36:12,236 --> 00:36:17,708 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY. 561 00:36:17,775 --> 00:36:21,579 >> I THINK JON BATISTE DESERVES A HIGH NOTE. 562 00:36:21,646 --> 00:36:30,588 GIVE ME A "D," A HIGH "D." AAAAAAAH! 563 00:36:30,655 --> 00:36:33,391 I THINK YOUR AUDIENCE DESERVES A HIGH "D." 564 00:36:33,457 --> 00:36:40,264 THAT'S ONE UP FROM A HIGH "C"? OOOOOOOHHH! 565 00:36:40,331 --> 00:36:44,035 I THINK-- STEPHEN COLBERT DESERVES ONE HALF STEP UP. 566 00:36:44,101 --> 00:36:53,044 GIVE ME THE E-PLUS. OOOOOOOOH! 567 00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:58,382 ( APPLAUSE ). GLAD I ALREADY HAD MY CHILDREN. 568 00:36:58,449 --> 00:37:02,620 I THINK YOU JUST STERILIZED ME WITH THE POWER OF THAT NOTE. 569 00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:05,856 WHEN IS IT APPROPRIATE-- WHEN IS IT APPROPRIATE TO POP OUT ONE 570 00:37:05,923 --> 00:37:07,091 NOTE? >> ALL THE TIME. 571 00:37:07,158 --> 00:37:09,894 I FEEL AS IF IT'S ALL THE TIME. >> Stephen: IT DOESN'T SCARE-- 572 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:11,629 IT DOESN'T FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD? 573 00:37:11,696 --> 00:37:14,065 >> IT SCARES EVERYONE. ONE TIME-- THEY SAY TRUE STORY 574 00:37:14,131 --> 00:37:17,568 AND I KNOW YOU KNOW ME. BUT I WAS IN CVS WITH MY MASK 575 00:37:17,635 --> 00:37:19,937 ON, AND Y'ALL ARE ALL HERE WITH YOUR MASKS ON. 576 00:37:20,004 --> 00:37:26,310 THANK YOU. BUT I COULD NOT BREATHE, AND I 577 00:37:26,377 --> 00:37:28,245 COULDN'T FIND MY ONE LASH TO DRESS UP FOR MYSELF. 578 00:37:28,312 --> 00:37:30,815 AND I THOUGHT, I DESERVE THE HIGH NOTE. 579 00:37:30,881 --> 00:37:33,718 AND MY FIANCE IS LIKE, IN CVS, MUST YOU? 580 00:37:33,784 --> 00:37:38,623 MUST YOU DO IT?" I HOPE HE SIGNS THE PREUP IN. 581 00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,424 JOSH, I LOVE YOU. ( APPLAUSE ). 582 00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:46,263 YOU ORIGINATED, OF COURSE, AS EVERYONE KNOWS, THE ROLE OF 583 00:37:46,330 --> 00:37:50,134 GLINDA IN "WICKED." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 584 00:37:50,201 --> 00:37:58,709 THEY'RE MAKE A MOVIE WITH ARIANA GRANDE PLAYING YOUR PART. 585 00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:02,313 AND I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE KNOWN ARIANA SINCE SHE WAS LITTLE. 586 00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:07,418 >> 10 YEARS OLD. SHE CAME TO SEE "WICKED" WITH 587 00:38:07,485 --> 00:38:10,221 HER GRANDMA. AND SHE SAID, I WANT TO BE YOU." 588 00:38:10,287 --> 00:38:14,358 AND I THOUGHT, AGAIN, LIE I DID WITH YOU, "THAT'S SO SWEET. 589 00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:19,563 THAT'S SO SWEET." AND NONA SAYS, "ARIANA SING FOR 590 00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:20,965 HER." AND SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER THIS, 591 00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:24,201 BUT I REMEMBER IT, AND SHOO SANG SOMETHING. 592 00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:26,671 I GAVE HER HAND SOAP. I GAVE HER A FAKE WAND. 593 00:38:26,737 --> 00:38:31,375 AND HERE WE SIT, ALL THESE YEARS LATER, I'VE KNOWN FOR A WHILE, 594 00:38:31,442 --> 00:38:34,612 AND I FEEL LIKE THE FULL CIRCLE MOMENT IS HAPPENING. 595 00:38:34,679 --> 00:38:39,216 AND THE RIGHT PERSON IS GOING TO BE... 596 00:38:39,283 --> 00:38:41,052 HANDING THE CROWN AND THE WAND, AND I'M SO HAPPY. 597 00:38:41,118 --> 00:38:44,021 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU GIVEN HER ANY ADVICE? 598 00:38:44,088 --> 00:38:51,328 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ROLE, I SAID, "I KNOW EVERYTHING 599 00:38:51,395 --> 00:38:55,966 THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT GLINDA, SO THERE'S NOTHING I CAN TELL 600 00:38:56,033 --> 00:38:58,636 YOU THAT YOU WON'T LEARN ON YOUR OWN." 601 00:38:58,703 --> 00:39:02,907 AND TWO DAYS AGO SHE TEXTED ME SOMETHING I WILL NOT SAY. 602 00:39:02,973 --> 00:39:05,710 AND SHE SAID, "DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT GLINDA?" 603 00:39:05,776 --> 00:39:09,847 AND I SAID, "NO!" SO THE TEACHER BECOMING THE 604 00:39:09,914 --> 00:39:10,915 STUDENT AGAIN. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 605 00:39:10,981 --> 00:39:12,783 >> AND I LOVE THAT. I LOVE IT. 606 00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:14,518 >> Stephen: THIS IS ANOTHER LOVELY THING. 607 00:39:14,585 --> 00:39:18,656 YOU HAVE NOW WRITTEN A NEW CHILDREN'S BOOK. 608 00:39:18,723 --> 00:39:22,326 IT'S CALLED "WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LOVE TODAY?" WHAT'S IT ABOUT? 609 00:39:22,393 --> 00:39:27,131 >> IT'S ABOUT ME AND THUNDER PUP IN NEW YORK. 610 00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:31,502 I WAS MUCH YOUNGER, SAME HEIGHT. >> Stephen: YOU WERE MUCH 611 00:39:31,569 --> 00:39:34,739 YOUNGER WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD. >> EXACTLY. 612 00:39:34,805 --> 00:39:37,942 BUT I WAS-- I'M AN ADOPTED PERSON. 613 00:39:38,008 --> 00:39:42,012 AND I RESCUED BY DOG, THUNDER. SO IT'S ABOUT HOW WE RESCUE EACH 614 00:39:42,079 --> 00:39:43,914 OTHER. AND THAT WE MIGHT NOT ALL LOOK 615 00:39:43,981 --> 00:39:47,985 THE SAME FAMILIES, AND TALK THE SAME-- MY PARENTS ARE ENGINEERS 616 00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:52,623 AND SHOULDN'T EVER SING, EVER, SHOULD THEY EVER SING, AND I 617 00:39:52,690 --> 00:39:55,292 DON'T DO MATH. BUT THE BOOK IS ABOUT FAMILY AND 618 00:39:55,359 --> 00:39:58,462 LOVE AND THE MORE LOVE YOU PUT OUT, THE MORE YOU GET BACK. 619 00:39:58,529 --> 00:39:59,497 >> Stephen: A LESSON WE COULD ALL TAKE TO HEART. 620 00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:00,631 ESPECIALLY NOW. >> Stephen: KRISTIN, SO LOVELY 621 00:40:00,698 --> 00:40:02,666 TO SIGH. THANK YOU FOR THE HIGH NOTES. 622 00:40:02,733 --> 00:40:05,870 >> ALWAYS. >> Stephen: HER CHILDREN'S BOOK, 623 00:40:05,936 --> 00:40:07,404 "WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LOVE TODAY?" IS AVAILABLE NOW. 624 00:40:07,471 --> 00:40:10,174 KRISTIN CHENOWETH, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 625 00:40:18,549 --> 00:40:20,417 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 626 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,420 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR 627 00:40:23,487 --> 00:40:27,591 TO RUSSIA, MICHAEL McFAUL, AND BROADWAY STAR DENEE BENTON. 628 00:40:27,658 --> 00:40:29,660 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT!