1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:02,202 >> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT 2 00:00:02,268 --> 00:00:05,672 ANNOUNCING TASK FORCE KLEPTOCAPTURE TO ENFORCE NEW 3 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:08,241 SANCTIONS AGAINST RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRES. 4 00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:09,509 >> GERMANY ALREADY HAS SEIZED THE YACHT OF A RUSSIAN 5 00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,945 BILLIONAIRE WHO WAS SANCTIONED BY THE EUROPEAN UNION MONDAY. 6 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,646 >> AT LEAST TWO RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS HAVE NOW PUBLICLY 7 00:00:13,713 --> 00:00:16,149 CALLED FOR PUTIN TO END THE WAR. ( SINGING TO TUNE OF "IMAGINE" 8 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:31,097 BY JOHN LENNON ) 9 00:00:31,164 --> 00:01:24,217 BY JOHN LENNON ) 10 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:30,356 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 11 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:35,328 TONIGHT, CRIME'S UP! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KYLE 12 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:45,572 MacLACHLAN! ARIAN MOYED, AND MUSICAL GUEST 13 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:50,743 PUSHA T, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 14 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:56,549 AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 15 00:01:56,616 --> 00:02:03,556 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 16 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:18,505 ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) 17 00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:19,539 ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) 18 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:23,877 >> Jon: AAAHHH! >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY! 19 00:02:23,943 --> 00:02:26,880 PLEASE! PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, FOLKS. 20 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:29,849 WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO 21 00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:34,654 "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 22 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:39,459 THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, A TROUBLING TIME, WHAT WITH THE 23 00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:42,929 PANDEMIC AND NOW A BRUTAL, UNPROVOKED WAR IN EUROPE. 24 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,165 BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THERE'S A GLEAM OF SUNSHINE IN 25 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:51,671 THE WORLD, A CHILD'S SMILE, THE FIRST FLOWER OF SPRING, THE 26 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:57,911 JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE LAYING OUT POTENTIAL CRIMINAL CHARGES 27 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:07,587 AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 28 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:09,389 TURNS OUT, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT TRYING TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW 29 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,925 OUR DEMOCRACY MIGHT BE ILLEGAL. THE POTENTIAL CHARGE AGAINST THE 30 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:15,562 FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CAMPAIGN IS "CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY 31 00:03:15,628 --> 00:03:18,598 TO DEFRAUD THE UNITED STATES." TO PARAPHRASE AN IDIOT AND HIS 32 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:25,605 BLOODTHIRSTY MOB: LOCK HIM UP! 33 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:38,651 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHANTING LOCK HIM UP ) 34 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:43,523 >> Stephen: WOW, WOW! I'VE NEVER HAD MY OWN BLOOD 35 00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:44,791 THIRSTY MOB BEFORE. ( LAUGHTER ) 36 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:47,760 I GET THE APPEAL, I HAVE TO SAY. THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM A 37 00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,696 CIVIL COURT FILING INVOLVING DISGRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN, 38 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:55,535 SEEN HERE STARRING IN "INDIANA JONES AND THE TRICKLE OF 39 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:58,071 FLOMAX." ( LAUGHTER ) 40 00:03:58,137 --> 00:04:00,039 EASTMAN WAS THE LEGAL GENIUS BEHIND THE THEORY THAT, AFTER 41 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:02,542 A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAD 42 00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:06,846 THE POWER UNDER THE CONSTITUTION TO DECLARE, "PSYCH!" 43 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,848 ( LAUGHTER ) NATURALLY, THE COMMITTEE WANTS 44 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,752 ALL OF EASTMAN'S RELEVANT DOCUMENTS AND EMAILS. 45 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:16,756 SO FAR, HE'S TURNED OVER LESS THAN HALF OF THEM, CITING 46 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,993 ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT THOSE CLAIMS WERE UNDERCUT 47 00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:23,363 BECAUSE EASTMAN HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO PROVE HE WAS EVER HIRED BY 48 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,698 THE FORMER PRESIDENT. IN FACT, AN "ENGAGEMENT LETTER" 49 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,034 THAT EASTMAN PRODUCED LAST WEEK WAS UNSIGNED. 50 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:33,539 NOT THE FIRST TIME THE EX-PREZ BAILED ON AN ENGAGEMENT. 51 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,708 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MORE IMPORTANT ARGUMENT 52 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:36,976 THE COMMITTEE IS MAKING HERE, IS THAT EASTMAN'S "CLAIM OF 53 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:40,013 PRIVILEGE WAS POTENTIALLY VOIDED BY THE "CRIME/FRAUD EXCEPTION," 54 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:43,616 WHICH HOLDS THAT COMMUNICATIONS NEED NOT BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL IF 55 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:47,520 AN ATTORNEY IS FOUND TO BE ASSISTING THEIR CLIENT IN THE 56 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:50,356 COMMISSION OF A CRIME." THAT SEEMS PRETTY REASONABLE. 57 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,693 YOUR LAWYER CAN'T BE AN ACCESSORY TO YOUR CRIME. 58 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,528 WE LEARNED THAT IN THE DRAMATIC EPISODE WHERE THEY 59 00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:59,632 FOUND MATLOCK WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF HUMAN FEET. 60 00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:07,006 ( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY HAVE 61 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,542 EVIDENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNEW HE WAS COMMITTING 62 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:14,881 FRAUD, THANKS TO THE TESTIMONY OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER 63 00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:20,453 AND SOFT-BOILED GUY FIERI JASON MILLER. 64 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,855 ACCORDING TO MILLER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS WELL AWARE THAT 65 00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:26,059 HIS MONTHS OF ASSERTIONS ABOUT A STOLEN ELECTION WERE FALSE, 66 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,527 BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN TOLD SOON AFTER ELECTION DAY, BY A 67 00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:31,564 CAMPAIGN DATA EXPERT "IN PRETTY BLUNT TERMS" THAT HE WAS GOING 68 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:34,701 TO LOSE. HOW BLUNT? 69 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:37,270 IF THE MESSAGE WAS DELIVERED VIA ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN 70 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:43,810 "SCRATCH 'N SNIFF," I DON'T THINK IT GOT THROUGH. 71 00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:50,349 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SCRATCH AND SNIFF. 72 00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:54,854 >> Jon: SCRATCH AND SNIFF. MMM. 73 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:59,559 >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF LEADERS LYING TO THEIR PEOPLE... 74 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:01,494 VLADIMIR PUTIN. SO FAR, HIS INVASION HAS BEEN AN 75 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,595 EMBARRASSMENT TO MOTHER RUSSIA. SO TODAY, HE MET WITH HIS 76 00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:08,134 SECURITY COUNCIL, AND HE MADE THIS SURPRISING CLAIM: 77 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:12,004 >> (TRANSLATED): I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT SPECIAL MILITARY 78 00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:13,172 OPERATION IS BEING CONDUCTED STRICTLY IN ACCORDANCE TO THE 79 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:14,040 PLAN AND SCHEDULE. >> STEPHEN: (AS PUTIN) 80 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,041 "IT'S TRUE. I'VE WRITTEN IT ALL ON LIST: 81 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:19,245 PHASE 1: INVADE. PHASE 2: WORLD HATE US. 82 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:22,715 PHASE 3: MONEY IN WALLET TURN TO DUST. 83 00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:26,586 PHASE 4: VICTORY. CELEBRATE WITH 'FUDGIE THE 84 00:06:26,652 --> 00:06:31,324 WHALE' CAKE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 85 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:38,197 FURNLGY THE TURNIP? FUDGY THE WHALE TURNIP? 86 00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:39,398 ONE OF THE REASONS THE INVASION'S NOT GOING ACCORDING 87 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:44,570 TO PUTIN'S PLAN IS BECAUSE ORDINARY UKRAINIANS ARE JOINING 88 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:48,040 THE FIGHT-- LIKE ONE UKRAINIAN COSTUME DESIGNER WHO IS USING 89 00:06:48,107 --> 00:06:52,812 HER MOVIE INDUSTRY SKILLS, NOT TO DRESS ACTORS, BUT TO SOURCE 90 00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:54,347 UNIFORMS, SHOES, HELMETS, GLOVES, BODY ARMOR, AND KNEE 91 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:58,618 PADS. I'M NOT SURPRISED. 92 00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:00,787 EVERYONE IN SHOWBIZ KNOWS THERE'S NO ONE TOUGHER OR 93 00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:05,158 MORE RESOURCEFUL THAN THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT. 94 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:11,430 EVERY DAY, I SHOW UP IN A FLEECE VEST CRUSTED WITH CHILI STAINS, 95 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:15,935 AND THEY TRANSFORM ME INTO THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 96 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:22,575 THEY'VE GOT TO USE AN ICE SCRAPER TO SCRAPE ME OUT. 97 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:26,179 AND, LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN: >> WE WANT TO JUST LIVE HERE ON 98 00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:30,783 OUR OWN LAND, YES, TO MAKE OUR OWN MISTAKES, TO HAVE OUR OWN, 99 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:35,588 MAYBE CORRUPTED GOVERNMENT, BUT THE ONE THAT WE ELECT. 100 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:37,223 >> STEPHEN: YES. DEMOCRACY'S ALL ABOUT HAVING THE 101 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:42,762 RIGHT TO ELECT AND THEN HATE YOUR OWN LEADERS. 102 00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:46,566 ASK ANY MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY. THAT WOMAN ALSO INTRODUCED US TO 103 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,835 THE NEXT GENERATION OF UKRAINIAN PATRIOTS. 104 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:54,106 >> IT FEELS LIKE ALL 44 MILLION PEOPLE IN UKRAINE-- YOUNG AND 105 00:07:54,173 --> 00:08:01,881 OLD, MEN AND WOMEN-- EVERYBODY IS UNITED. 106 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,518 EVERYBODY IS A SOLDIER. >> YES. 107 00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:06,786 THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. YES. 108 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:12,625 EVEN THIS BABY IS A SOLDIER, I THINK. 109 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:15,461 >> Stephen: THAT WOMAN IS UNBELIEVABLY TOUGH AND 110 00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:18,798 ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. ANYONE WHO'S HAD A BABY KNOWS 111 00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:22,368 THEY ARE SMALL BUT RELENTLESS OPPONENTS, AND FEARLESS MASTERS 112 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:31,043 OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION TORTURE. "OH, MOMMY, YOU WANT TO SLEEP? 113 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:33,179 YES? WELL, WELL US WHERE THE BINKY 114 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,780 IS. NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE. 115 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,985 I WANT THE BLUE ONE THIS TIME. WHOA. 116 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:39,886 WHAT IS THIS THING?! THERE'S ANOTHER! 117 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:41,988 TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE! 118 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:50,496 MMM, THEY TASTE GOOD. FOOT!" 119 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,732 ( LAUGHTER ) SEEING THAT WOMAN SPEAKING 120 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,567 WITH HER BABY IN HER ARMS, REMINDS YOU OF THE HUMAN COST OF 121 00:08:54,634 --> 00:09:02,608 ALL OF THIS. THESE ARE ORDINARY PEOPLE 122 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:05,578 TRYING TO GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHILE A VICIOUS PSYCHOPATH 123 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:06,879 UNLEASHES MODERN WEAPONS OF WAR AGAINST THEM. 124 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:09,081 AND IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL HELPLESS TO SEE THIS HUMAN 125 00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,349 SUFFERING. BUT THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO. 126 00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:12,618 THERE'S A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS YOU CAN DONATE TO, PINNED TO THE 127 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:16,923 TOP OF OUR TWITTER PAGE. JUST GO TO "@COLBERTLATESHOW" TO 128 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:30,303 FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN HELP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 129 00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:31,504 ONE THING EVERYONE'S TRYING TO DO RIGHT NOW IS FIGURE OUT 130 00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:35,408 WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEAD, AND WE GOT A 131 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:37,944 LITTLE INSIGHT THIS WEEK FROM FORMER PRESIDENT AND GRANDPA 132 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:42,782 REALLY GETTING A KICK OUT OF THIS LIBRARY PUPPET SHOW 133 00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:46,686 GEORGE W. BUSH. BUSH WAS AT A FUNDRAISER 134 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:50,856 TUESDAY, AND, DURING A Q&A, HE RECOUNTED A VERY TELLING 135 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,625 EXCHANGE HE AND PUTIN ONCE HAD YEARS AGO, INVOLVING THEIR PETS. 136 00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:53,659 OF COURSE! THEY WERE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR 137 00:09:53,726 --> 00:10:03,002 LAPDOGS. HERE'S THE STORY. 138 00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:06,505 HERE'S THE STORY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 139 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:08,074 HERE'S THE STORY -- ACCORDING TO BUSH, "I INTRODUCED 140 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,409 VLADIMIR PUTIN TO BARNEY, OUR SCOTTISH TERRIER, AND PUTIN 141 00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:14,580 DISSED HIM." "A YEAR LATER, LAURA AND I GO 142 00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:18,250 VISIT VLADIMIR, AND HE SAYS 'I WANT YOU TO MEET MY DOG.' 143 00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:20,519 I SAID, 'YEAH, SURE,' AND I'LL NEVER FORGET, OUT RUNS A HUGE 144 00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:23,389 RUSSIAN HOUND, AND PUTIN SAYS 'BIGGER, STRONGER, AND FASTER 145 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,660 THAN BARNEY'." PUTIN'S SO INSECURE HE HAS TO 146 00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:35,434 COMPARE DOG SIZES? THAT LITTLE BITCH. 147 00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:38,337 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 148 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:45,511 I MEAN A FEMALE DOG. IT'S A FEMALE DOG. 149 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,413 BUT THIS DOES MEAN WE KNOW HOW TO TERRIFY PUTIN, JUST BY 150 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,050 RELEASING FOOTAGE OF OUR LATEST MILITARY ASSET: CLIFFORD. 151 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:55,187 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY REASON PUTIN FEELS HE 152 00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:59,658 CAN ACT WITH IMPUNITY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS CHINA HAS HIS BACK. 153 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,962 AND, EVIDENTLY, HE HAS THEIRS. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO REPORTS, 154 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:06,766 PUTIN WANTED TO INVADE EARLIER, BUT HE WAITED BECAUSE CHINA 155 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,902 ASKED RUSSIA TO DELAY THE UKRAINE WAR UNTIL AFTER THE 156 00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,737 OLYMPICS. YEAH, THEY DIDN'T WANT RUSSIA 157 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:14,940 TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH THE INVASION. 158 00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:16,642 THEY WANTED RUSSIA TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH 15-YEAR-OLDS 159 00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:20,880 FREE-BASING PEE-POP'S HEART PILLS. 160 00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:22,248 ( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THAT REPORT, A 161 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:25,684 SPOKESPERSON FOR CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING CLAIMED 162 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,820 THEY DIDN'T ASK RUSSIA FOR THE DELAY. 163 00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:31,424 IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF "HE SAID, XI SAID." 164 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:35,227 ( LAUGHTER ) CHINA IS JUST ABOUT THE ONLY 165 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:37,296 FRIEND RUSSIA HAS LEFT, BECAUSE EVERY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY AND 166 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,999 CORPORATION IS DISOWNING THEM. FOR INSTANCE, IKEA IS CLOSING 167 00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:44,804 ITS RUSSIAN STORES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 168 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:51,143 YES. SURE. 169 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,579 THIS WILL GO SPOOL EFFECT AS SOON AS 170 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,147 AS THEY CAN FIND THAT LITTLE ALLEN WRENCH TO TAKE THE STORES 171 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,216 APART. ( LAUGHTER ) 172 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,985 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW. MY GUESTS ARE KYLE MacLACHLAN 173 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:00,853 AND ARIAN MOYED. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 174 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,720 "MEANWHILE!"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 175 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:41,727 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 176 00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:53,072 ( CHEERS AND PPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 177 00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:56,075 JON, IN JUST A MOMENT, THE ONE THE ONLY KYLE MacLACHLAN IS 178 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:58,644 GOING TO BE OUT HERE TO JOIN US HERE ON STAGE. 179 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,479 >> YES, IN THE HOUSE. LET'S GET IT, KYLE. 180 00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:04,316 >> Stephen: YOU EVER WATCH ANY OF THE "SUCCESSION"? 181 00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:10,156 >> Jon: OH, YES. >> Stephen: STEWY FROM 182 00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:15,227 "SUCCESSION" WILL BE OUT HERE, ARIAN MOYED WITH "INVENTING 183 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,730 ANNA" WILL BE HERE. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT COMING UP, 184 00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:18,597 JOHN? >> Jon: LITERALLY, THE 185 00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:19,598 WEEKEND. >> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE 186 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:22,635 GOING TO HANG OUT WITH "THE WEEKEND." 187 00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:25,838 HARD TO TELL WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THESE DAYS WHEN 188 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,973 THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT "THE WEEKEND." 189 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,976 >> Jon: I'M EXCITED ABOUT THE WEEKEND TO DO NOTHING. 190 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:34,079 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S THE MOST YOU CAN DO, JON. 191 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:35,781 >> Jon: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO HAVE A PAUSE. 192 00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:38,784 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> Jon: A PAUSE FOR A WORTHY 193 00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:40,553 CAUSE. >> Stephen: YOU WORK HARD, 194 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:44,623 BUT, ULTIMATELY, EVERYBODY IS WORKING FOR "THE WEEKEND." 195 00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:50,229 >> Jon: WHOO! >> Stephen: LOVER BOY -- LOVER 196 00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:53,399 BOY -- CHRIS OVER THERE WAS AN OVERNIGHT DEEJAY WHEN HE WAS IN 197 00:13:53,465 --> 00:13:56,202 HIGH SCHOOL. DID YOU EVER PLAY ANY LOVER BOY? 198 00:13:56,268 --> 00:14:02,308 SURE, CAN YOU NAME ANY OTHER LOVER BOY SONG OTHER THAN 199 00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:06,145 "EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND"? 200 00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:09,949 NEITHER CAN I? CAN ANYBODY ELSE? 201 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:13,619 >> "TURN ME LOOSE"! >> Stephen: TURN ME LOOSE, I 202 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:19,258 HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SONG IS. MARK, YOU KNOW IT, HOW DOES IT 203 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:24,563 GO? ♪ WHY DON'T YOU TURN ME LOOSE ♪ 204 00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:31,937 >> Stephen: (SINGING). ♪ TURN ME WHROOS ♪ 205 00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:36,875 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 206 00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:39,945 >> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I 207 00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:41,080 SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, PLANTING AND 208 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,248 GROWING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS IN A PARCELED TERROIR AT 209 00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:46,785 PRECISELY 80 METERS, ON A NORTH-FACING SLOPE, WITH JUST 210 00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:50,489 THE RIGHT MICROCLIMATE, THEN HAND-PICKING ONLY THE RIPEST, 211 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,591 MOST TOPICAL BOTRYTIS-PRUNED STORY GRAPES. 212 00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,593 AFTER THREE PRESSINGS, I THEN CAREFULLY BARREL-AGE THEIR 213 00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:57,963 NOBLE-ROTTED NECTAR FOR 30 MONTHS EXCLUSIVELY IN NEW OAK TO 214 00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,934 BRING OUT THE AROMAS OF TROPICAL FRUITS, HONEYED PEARS, AND 215 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,938 ROASTED NUTS IN THE CHATEAU D'YQUEM SAUTERNES THAT IS MY 216 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:09,341 NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, 217 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,176 I WAKE UP IN A BULGARIAN PRISON, CONVICTED OF WHAT MY NON-ENGLISH 218 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:17,950 SPEAKING, COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER ONLY CALLS "ANIMAL WRONGS." 219 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,753 I TRADE THE CIGARETTES I WON IN A BARE-KNUCKLE MATCH WITH A 220 00:15:20,819 --> 00:15:23,956 GUARD FOR SOME FIG MARMALADE, APPLE CORES, AND DISCARDED 221 00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,358 KETCHUP PACKETS, TOSS IT ALL IN THE PLASTIC BAG I STOLE OFF MY 222 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:30,162 CELLMATE DRAGOMIR'S FOOT WHILE HE SLEPT, AND LEAVE IT TO 223 00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:35,934 FERMENT UNDER A HOT SEWAGE PIPE OVERNIGHT, TO SERVE UP THE 224 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:39,338 SOUR-MASHED GOON PLONK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 225 00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:45,210 "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 226 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:54,186 A FERMENTED PIPE. MEANWHILE -- RIGHT THERE, 227 00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:55,587 SYMMETRICAL. MEANWHILE, OVER IN BURGER-VANIA, 228 00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,356 "BURGER KING'S LARGEST FRANCHISE IS CUTTING THEIR CHICKEN NUGGET 229 00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:00,592 COUNT AS PRICES SURGE." WHICH EXPLAINS BURGER KING 230 00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:03,329 CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN FROM "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" TO "WE'VE ALL GOT 231 00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:09,234 TO MAKE SACRIFICES-- AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED THAT STRAW BACK." 232 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:10,469 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE "NUMBER OF 233 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,004 NUGGETS PROVIDED IN A BURGER KING MEAL WILL GO FROM TEN DOWN 234 00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:16,942 TO EIGHT." BUT, DON'T WORRY, THE AMOUNT OF 235 00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:21,347 CHICKEN IN THE MEAL WILL REMAIN ZERO. 236 00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:25,951 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 237 00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:29,955 ( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK, 238 00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:32,024 "GOVERNOR HOCHUL HAS OUTLINED A PLAN TO OVERHAUL STATE LIQUOR 239 00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:39,331 LAWS, INCLUDING "PERMANENTLY LEGALIZING TO-GO ALCOHOL." 240 00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,500 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: 241 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:42,768 "STEPHEN COLBERT DISCOVERS THAT, BEFORE NOW, JUST WALKING AROUND 242 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:46,305 DRINKING BOOZE ON THE STREET WAS NOT LEGAL." 243 00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:49,441 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW. 244 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,844 NEW ORLEANS -- NEW ORLEANS, YOU CAN HAVE OPEN CONTAINERS. 245 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,313 >> Jon: YOU CAN. YOU CAN HAVE A DAIQUIRI. 246 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,915 >> Stephen: WOW. IN ADDITION TO TAKE-AWAY HOOCH, 247 00:16:56,982 --> 00:16:58,183 THE GOVERNOR IS ALSO CONSIDERING ALLOWING DRINKS TO BE SERVED AT 248 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:02,621 MOVIE THEATERS. WELL, GOOD. 249 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,323 BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING DRUNK NEW YORKERS ARE FAMOUS 250 00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:09,328 FOR, IT'S SITTING QUIETLY AND APPRECIATING THE MIS-EN-SCENE. 251 00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:12,297 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SOCCER STAR CRISTIANO 252 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:15,167 RONALDO WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK AFTER HE SHOWERED ON INSTAGRAM 253 00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:20,639 LIVE. GOOD LORD! 254 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:21,974 THERE ARE CREASES IN THAT MAN'S BODY I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED ON 255 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,544 HUMAN BEINGS. HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE 256 00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:32,518 SHRINK-WRAPPED A TERMINATOR. 670,000 PEOPLE TUNED IN AND, FOR 257 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:37,990 SOME REASON, MADE COMMENTS LIKE "VERY BRAVE." 258 00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:41,827 NO, IT'S NOT! IT IS NOT BRAVE! 259 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,695 IF I TOOK A PUBLIC SHOWER ON INSTAGRAM LIVE, IT WOULD BE AN 260 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:49,134 ACT OF UNBRIDLED COURAGE. IF I LOOKED LIKE THAT, I'D BURN 261 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,336 ALL MY CLOTHES. "BRAVE" IS TAKING YOUR SHIRT OFF 262 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,939 AT A HOTEL POOL WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE A CINCH-SACK FULL OF RAW 263 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,342 CHICKEN SKIN. ( LAUGHTER ) 264 00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:01,947 NOT THAT! VERY BRAVE... 265 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:06,285 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "AN UNUSED TICKET TO 266 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:11,323 MICHAEL JORDAN'S DEBUT GAME SOLD FOR $468,000." 267 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:17,963 ALTHOUGH $400 GRAND OF THAT WAS TICKETMASTER FEES. 268 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,932 ( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO! 269 00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:23,001 THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY. 270 00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:26,839 >> Jon: OH, YEAH! >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IN 271 00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:29,575 WEARABLE FITNESS NEWS, "FITBIT HAS RECALLED 1.7 272 00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:30,909 MILLION SMARTWATCHES WITH A BATTERY THAT CAN OVERHEAT." 273 00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,345 SOUNDS DANGEROUS. AND AS A FITBIT OWNER, I HAVE 274 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,547 ONE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: DOES THIS AFFECT FITBITS THAT 275 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:39,351 HAVE NEVER BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BOX? 276 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:43,622 ( LAUGHTER ) ASKING FOR A FRIEND. 277 00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,457 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN THE CONGO, "A 278 00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:49,361 POLYGAMIST WED TRIPLETS ON THE SAME DAY, AFTER THEY ALL 279 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,330 PROPOSED TO HIM." AFTER MEETING ONE, "SHE 280 00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:53,966 INTRODUCED HIM TO HER TWIN SISTERS, WHO BECAME EQUALLY 281 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:57,302 SMITTEN," AND THE MAN FELT "OBLIGED TO MARRY ALL OF THEM 282 00:18:57,369 --> 00:19:00,806 BECAUSE THEY ARE TRIPLETS." DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE OBLIGED TO 283 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,109 MARRY THREE SIBLINGS JUST BECAUSE YOU MET ONE. 284 00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:08,514 I'M SO SORRY, HEMSWORTH BROTHERS. 285 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:11,149 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KYLE 286 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,084 MacLACHLAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 287 00:19:33,872 --> 00:19:35,974 >> Stephen: HEY! THANKS, EVERYBODY! 288 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:40,345 WE HAD A LIVE SHOW -- WE HAD A LIVE SHOW TWO NIGHTS AGO AND YOU 289 00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,581 CAUGHT ME COMING BACK FROM COMMERCIAL TRYING TO SNORKEL A 290 00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:45,817 CUP OF COFFEE OVER HERE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME 291 00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:47,085 BACK. MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU 292 00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,955 KNOW FROM "TWIN PEAKS," "BLUE VELVET," AND "SEX AND THE CITY." 293 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:53,125 HE NOW STARS IN "JOE VS. CAROLE." 294 00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:55,894 >> NOCOMMENT IS NOT AN EVASION. 295 00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,530 YOU DIDN'T DODGE HER QUESTION, YOU SIMPLY CHOSE NOT TO DIGNIFY 296 00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,934 IT WITH AN ANSWER. >> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. 297 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:07,739 I MEAN, WITH JOURNALISM LIKE THAT, I MIGHT AS WELL RENAME 298 00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:11,643 THEMSELVES THE INQUIRER. WHAT'S NEXT, ELLA AND PORTIA ARE 299 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,779 HAVING THREE AS MANY AS WITH ALIENS. 300 00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:16,048 >> I'M GOING TO CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION. 301 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:18,150 >> THAT'S NOT FAIR. I AM SO ANGRY. 302 00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:20,786 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? >> WHAT? 303 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:26,658 I'M GOING TO WRITE A STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER TO THE 304 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,160 EDITOR. >> I LOVE WHEN YOU GET ALL RILED 305 00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:31,063 UP ON MY BEHALF. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME 306 00:20:31,129 --> 00:20:40,272 BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" KYLE MacLACHLAN! 307 00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:53,318 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 308 00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:56,088 >> WHAT A NICE AUDIENCE! >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU 309 00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:57,289 AGAIN. >> THANK YOU, NICE TO BE BACK. 310 00:20:57,356 --> 00:21:01,994 >> Stephen: YOU'RE PARTICULARLY HANDSOME WITH YOUR 311 00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:06,732 SALT AND PEPPER AND STEVE McQUEEN TURTLENECK. 312 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:09,768 >> YOU MUST KNOW MY STYLIST. VERY GOOD. 313 00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:14,106 >> Stephen: MOST PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM "BLUE VELVET," "TWIN 314 00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:16,074 PEAKS," "SEX AND THE CITY." >> YES. 315 00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:20,846 >> Stephen: THE LIST GOES ON AND ON BUT YOU'VE ADDED ANOTHER 316 00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:25,017 ITEM TO YOUR RESUME WHICH I DIDGED SEE COMING, I DON'T KNOW 317 00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:28,286 IF YOU DID. THIS WAS -- LET'S SEE, THIS WAS 318 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:36,895 THIS YEAR, JANUARY 16th, YOU WORKING THE RUNWAY AT THE PRADA 319 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:39,431 FASHION SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 320 00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:46,471 KYLE MacLACHLAN, HOW DID YOU END UP ON THE CATWALK? 321 00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:48,540 >> I HAVE NO IDEA. >> Stephen: YOU KNEW YOU 322 00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,376 WEREN'T JUST WALKING, YOU WERE IN A STYLE SHOW. 323 00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:55,580 >> THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME. THINK SERVED ME CHAMPAGNE 324 00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:58,083 BACKSTAGE BECAUSE THEY KNEW I NEEDED HELP. 325 00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:02,254 >> Stephen: YOU'RE WEARING BAGGY BAGGY JEANS. 326 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,824 >> THAT'S MY NEW STYLE. >> Stephen: AND A COAT. 327 00:22:05,891 --> 00:22:10,395 THAT'S A SILK PAJAMA, MAN. >> Stephen: SO THIS IS JUST A 328 00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:13,565 BLACK BATHROBE IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. 329 00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:16,568 >> THAT'S FOUR-PLY CASHMERE, MAN. 330 00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:18,770 IT'S AMAZING. >> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL? 331 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:22,607 THE ONLY THING THAT GOES INTO YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT 332 00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:26,611 SITUATION IS DO NOT FALL DOWN. >> Stephen: ARE YOU NEW TO 333 00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:28,814 WALKING? WHY WOULD YOU FALL DOWN? 334 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,852 >> IT'S WALKING UNDER PRESSURE. NO, I'M WEARING -- IT'S VERY 335 00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:35,520 CHALLENGING. >> Stephen: WALKING UNDER 336 00:22:35,587 --> 00:22:37,789 PRESSURE! WOW! 337 00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:41,259 HAVE YOU DONE THAT BEFORE? IT DOES SOUND HARD. 338 00:22:41,326 --> 00:22:43,562 >> IT'S REALLY CHALLENGING. >> Stephen: BUT WALKING WHEN 339 00:22:43,628 --> 00:22:46,932 PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU. >> WELL, RUBBER BOOTS ON A 340 00:22:46,998 --> 00:22:49,101 CARPET SO THE SCUFF FACTOR IS VERY HIGH. 341 00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:52,104 >> Stephen: YOU COULD GET SPARKY FINGERS. 342 00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:53,438 >> YEAH. DON'T TOUCH ANYBODY. 343 00:22:53,505 --> 00:22:57,642 >> Stephen: WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP OF YOU WALKING UNDER 344 00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,679 PRESSURE. JIM. 345 00:23:00,746 --> 00:23:01,947 ♪♪ ♪♪ 346 00:23:02,013 --> 00:23:07,219 ♪♪ >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 347 00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:09,454 DO I LOOK LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 348 00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:12,924 >> Stephen: OH, CLEARLY, YOU'VE WALKED BEFORE. 349 00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:22,367 I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU SINCE THE PREMIERE OF DENESTLE'S DOOM. 350 00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:26,872 WE WILL REMEMBER YOU AS THE ORIGINAL HERE WHICH I JUST 351 00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:27,839 ABSOLUTELY -- >> THANK YOU. 352 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:30,475 >> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE. 353 00:23:30,542 --> 00:23:32,577 >> YES. >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY LOVED 354 00:23:32,644 --> 00:23:36,681 IT. WE WERE VERY JEALOUS BECAUSE 355 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,684 IPPED TO BE PAUL. THEY ACTUALLY GAVE OUT A DPLOS 356 00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:42,988 RIWHEN I WENT TO SEE THIS. >> I THINK I STILL HAVE ONE 357 00:23:43,054 --> 00:23:45,557 FOLDED UP IN MY ARCHIVES. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN THE 358 00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:46,958 NEW ONE? >> I HAVE. 359 00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:54,900 THEY HAD A SCREENING IN BRISBANE WHERE WE SHOT IT. 360 00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:58,303 ALL THE SOUNDS, THE SEATS RUMBLED, IT WAS FANTASTIC. 361 00:23:58,370 --> 00:24:02,741 >> Stephen: THE SEATS RUMBLED? YEAH, WHEN THE SAND WORMS 362 00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:06,978 COME THROUGH, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE RUMBLING SEATS, MAN. 363 00:24:07,045 --> 00:24:11,416 >> Stephen: YO I'VE GOT TO GO TO A BETTER THEATER. 364 00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:14,019 >> YOU HAVE TO GO TO AUSTRALIA. >> Stephen: YEAH. 365 00:24:14,085 --> 00:24:16,154 I THOUGHT TIMOTHY DID A GREAT JOB. 366 00:24:16,221 --> 00:24:18,790 WAS A WONDERFUL PAUL. DID REALLY GOOD. 367 00:24:18,857 --> 00:24:23,061 ( APPLAUSE ) I WAS FEELING VERY NOSTALGIC 368 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:27,933 WHEN HI WATCHED IT BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING SCENES I HAD DONE. 369 00:24:27,999 --> 00:24:30,702 HERE WAS A I CAN'T THINK MAN. I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM, 370 00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:35,240 DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN THAT BOX, NO GOOD THINGS COME FROM THAT 371 00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:36,541 BOX. IT'S ONE THING, PAIN. 372 00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:39,678 >> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT. WERE PEOPLE SURPRISED TO SEE YOU 373 00:24:39,744 --> 00:24:41,680 THERE? >> NO UNWITH RECOGNIZED ME. 374 00:24:41,746 --> 00:24:44,082 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 375 00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:46,518 YOU'RE KYLE MacLACHLAN. >> I TOLD EVERYONE THAT, NO ONE 376 00:24:46,585 --> 00:24:50,555 SEEMED TO CARE. IT'S AWFUL! 377 00:24:50,622 --> 00:24:52,290 NO, IT'S FINE. >> Stephen: IS THAT THE FIRST 378 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:54,693 THING YOU DID WITH LYNCH? >> YES. 379 00:24:54,759 --> 00:24:57,195 >> Stephen: THAT AND THEN "BLUE VELVET," OF COURSE, 380 00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:58,897 TREMENDOUS. >> SO YOU CAN SEE THOSE TWO 381 00:24:58,964 --> 00:25:04,502 TIM'S REALLY WORKED TOGETHER. >> Stephen: AND "TWIN PEAKS." 382 00:25:04,569 --> 00:25:07,439 AND "TWIN PEAKS." >> Stephen: "TWIN PEAKS" 383 00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:09,507 TWICE, THREE TIMES IF YOU COUNT THE MOVIE. 384 00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:11,476 >> THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen:. 385 00:25:11,543 --> 00:25:14,846 >> Stephen: THERE ARE SO MANY LEGENDS ABOUT DAVID LYNCH, SORT 386 00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:19,017 OF A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, VERY MUCH HIS OWN WAY OF DOING 387 00:25:19,084 --> 00:25:20,218 THINGS. >> YES. 388 00:25:20,285 --> 00:25:22,854 >> Stephen: ANYTHING LEAP OUT IMMEDIATELY ABOUT WORKING WITH 389 00:25:22,921 --> 00:25:25,824 DAVID LYNCH, STORIES OF FIRST ENDOUBT COUNTERING? 390 00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:34,532 >> YEAH, WORKING WITH HIM ON "BLUE VELVET," NAOMI WATTS 391 00:25:34,599 --> 00:25:38,970 REMINDED ME OF THIS DOING THE REBOOT, HE SAYS HE LIKES TO TALK 392 00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:44,409 TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE FILMING. >> Stephen: DOING THE SCENE? 393 00:25:44,476 --> 00:25:51,449 DODOING THE SCENE. THIS WAS BEFORE THE DAYS OF 394 00:25:51,516 --> 00:25:53,318 MONITORS. HE WAS RIGHT UNDER THE CAMERA 395 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:56,755 WATCHING EVERYTHING. AND HE WOULD START TO TALK. 396 00:25:56,821 --> 00:26:02,794 HE SAID, NOW -- AND HE ALWAYS CALLS ME KALE, THAT'S A WHOLE 397 00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:06,264 OTHER STORY -- AND HE'D SAY, KALE, ALL RIGHT, LOOK AROUND AND 398 00:26:06,331 --> 00:26:09,067 YOU SEE THE COFFEE CUP ON THE TABLE. 399 00:26:09,134 --> 00:26:11,336 SO I'M IN CHARACTER AND I LOOK OVER. 400 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:14,873 NOW, YOU GO PICK UP THE COFFEE CUP. 401 00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:19,878 YOU TAKE A SIP, AND IT'S THE WORST COFFEE YOU'VE EVER HAD. 402 00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:29,554 SO YOU GO -- WHAT DO I DO NOW? THE WHOLE POINT WAS TRYING TO 403 00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:32,791 MAKE ME LAUGH. >> Stephen: "BLUE VELVET" IS A 404 00:26:32,857 --> 00:26:36,695 FUNNY FILM. ( LAUGHTER ) 405 00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:37,829 >> HILARIOUS. >> Stephen: SUBTLE AT TIMES 406 00:26:37,896 --> 00:26:41,333 BUT DEEPLY DEEPLY FUNNY. >> MY INTENTION WAS TO TRY TO 407 00:26:41,399 --> 00:26:43,568 MAKE HIM LAUGH FIRST SO THIS IS WHAT IT BECAME. 408 00:26:43,635 --> 00:26:45,570 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 409 00:26:45,637 --> 00:26:49,007 STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK KYLE 410 00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:52,410 WHAT THEY USED IN "JOE VS. CAROLE," OTHER THAN TIGERS, 411 00:26:52,477 --> 00:26:53,745 BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T USE TIGERS. 412 00:27:00,485 --> 00:27:04,522 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH ONE OF THE 413 00:27:04,589 --> 00:27:10,695 STARS OF "JOE VS. CAROLE" ON PEACOCK, MR. KYLE MacLACHLAN. 414 00:27:10,762 --> 00:27:15,367 THE NEW SHOW THAT YOU'RE DOING IS "JOE VS. CAROLE" WHICH, OF 415 00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:23,375 COURSE, IS ABOUT TIGER KING AND CAROLE BASKIN AND YOU PLAY HER 416 00:27:23,441 --> 00:27:24,642 HUSBAND. >> YES. 417 00:27:24,709 --> 00:27:26,011 >> Stephen: REMIND THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHAT IS THE HUSBAND'S 418 00:27:26,077 --> 00:27:33,251 ROLE IN ALL OF THIS? >> TO NOT GET EATEN BY THE 419 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:35,020 TIGERS. WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TIGERS. 420 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:36,955 >> Stephen: WHAT? NO TIGERS? 421 00:27:37,022 --> 00:27:40,025 >> NO TIGERS WERE USED IN THE FILMING. 422 00:27:40,091 --> 00:27:43,395 ALL C.G.I., SO THEY PUT THEM IN AFTERWARDS, BUT IN THE PLACE OF 423 00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:51,603 TIGERS, WE HAD GREAT DANES. FEROCIOUS, MEAN, VICIOUS GREAT 424 00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:52,837 DANES. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU KNOW, MY 425 00:27:52,904 --> 00:27:58,143 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER TOM PURCELL ONCE FAMOUSLY SAID WHEN WE WERE 426 00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:02,680 TRYING TO GET A WILDCAT INTO OUR SHOW TO DO SOMETHING SAYS, LOOK, 427 00:28:02,747 --> 00:28:06,251 ANYTHING THAT COULD EAT THE ACTORS IS GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE. 428 00:28:06,317 --> 00:28:08,586 YOU CAN'T HAVE A TIGER ON THE SET. 429 00:28:08,653 --> 00:28:12,057 >> I WAS VERY GRATEFUL NOT TO HAVE A TIGER ON THE SET FOR THAT 430 00:28:12,123 --> 00:28:14,893 REASON, SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I DON'T WANT TO BE 431 00:28:14,959 --> 00:28:17,796 THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE. >> Stephen: DID YOU WATCH THE 432 00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:19,364 TIGER KING. >> YEAH. 433 00:28:19,431 --> 00:28:21,466 >> Stephen: SUCH A PHENOMENON. RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING TO 434 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:26,271 HAVE THE WHOLE PANDEMIC. REALLY, AMAZING STORIES AND 435 00:28:26,337 --> 00:28:29,340 PEOPLE DOING THINGS THAT WERE JUST OUTRAGEOUS, AND WE DECIDED 436 00:28:29,407 --> 00:28:35,480 WE WERE GOING TO DRAMATIZE THAT AND TELL A LITTLE BIT DEEPER 437 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,614 STORY. I FEEL THEY ONLY REALLY 438 00:28:36,681 --> 00:28:41,386 SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF THE CHARACTERS. 439 00:28:41,453 --> 00:28:47,158 ( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WERE FELINE LIKE THERE 440 00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:50,161 WAS MORE THERE TO EXPLORE -- ( LAUGHTER ) 441 00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:53,598 -- AND, YOU KNOW, WE POUNCED ON THE OPPORTUNITY. 442 00:28:53,665 --> 00:28:58,903 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 443 00:28:58,970 --> 00:29:01,139 >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. 444 00:29:01,206 --> 00:29:03,842 >> THANK YOU, I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE. 445 00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:05,944 ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP. >> Stephen: KYLE MacLACHLAN, 446 00:29:06,010 --> 00:29:09,714 LOVELY TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AS 447 00:29:09,781 --> 00:29:10,682 ALWAYS. "JOE VS. CAROLE" IS AVAILABLE 448 00:29:10,748 --> 00:29:14,319 NOW ON PEACOCK. KYLE MACLACHLAN, EVERYBODY! 449 00:29:14,385 --> 00:29:16,654 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ARIAN MOAYED. 450 00:29:28,867 --> 00:29:34,472 >> Stephen: HEY! WOKUM BACK, EVERYBODY! 451 00:29:34,539 --> 00:29:39,310 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A 452 00:29:39,377 --> 00:29:40,778 TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM 453 00:29:40,845 --> 00:29:44,482 "SUCCESSION," "LOVE LIFE," AND "SPIDERMAN: NO WAY HOME." 454 00:29:44,549 --> 00:29:46,151 HE NOW STARS IN THE NETFLIX SERIES, "INVENTING ANNA." 455 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:48,620 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ARIAN MOAYED! 456 00:29:48,686 --> 00:30:03,568 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO! 457 00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:04,302 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO! 458 00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:06,604 THANK YOU ALL! WOW! 459 00:30:06,671 --> 00:30:11,643 LOOK AT THIS! THAT IS VERY WARM AND LOVELY. 460 00:30:11,709 --> 00:30:13,411 >> Stephen: THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE. 461 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:17,081 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. I AM, FIRST OF ALL, GRATEFUL YOU 462 00:30:17,148 --> 00:30:18,316 WORE A SUIT AND A TIE. >> I SAW WHAT KYLE WAS DOING AND 463 00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:20,552 I THOUGHT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT 464 00:30:20,618 --> 00:30:21,452 RESPECTFUL. >> WHAT'S THAT ABILITY? 465 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:23,021 HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. >> Stephen: RIGHT. 466 00:30:23,087 --> 00:30:29,260 BESIDES YOUR OTHER ACHIEVEMENTS, PEOPLE KNOW YOU AS STEWY IN 467 00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:31,563 "SUCCESSION" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 468 00:30:31,629 --> 00:30:34,699 THAT'S STEWY. STEWY WHO IS KIND OF THIS 469 00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:39,237 FRIENDLY MENACE AT THE SAME TIME, HE'S LIKE A BUDDY AND ALSO 470 00:30:39,304 --> 00:30:41,906 I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT WHEN YOU TURN AROUND. 471 00:30:41,973 --> 00:30:44,242 >> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: IS IT FUN TO MAKE? 472 00:30:44,309 --> 00:30:49,013 BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO WATCH ALL THESE PEOPLE BEING AWFUL TO EACH 473 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,083 OTHER. >> IT'S EXCITING TO MAKE. 474 00:30:52,150 --> 00:30:53,518 EVERYBODY ON THE SHOW IS FROM THE THEATER. 475 00:30:53,585 --> 00:30:58,356 THE WAY WE SHOOT IT, WE HAVE THESE, LIKE, LONG SCENES WE DO, 476 00:30:58,423 --> 00:31:01,125 LIKE LITTLE ONE ACTS, AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW 477 00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:05,730 WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE AND YOU'RE JUST KIND OF BEING ON STAGE AND 478 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:08,233 GOING THESE CHARACTERS. ACTUALLY, IN THE SCENE YOU'RE 479 00:31:08,299 --> 00:31:11,836 MENTIONING, RIGHT BEFORE, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TAKE -- AND WE 480 00:31:11,903 --> 00:31:14,706 DIDN'T REHEARSE BEFORE IT -- RIGHT BEFORE THE FIRST TAKE, I 481 00:31:14,772 --> 00:31:18,142 SAW THAT THE FIRST A.D. WAS SNIFFING SOME LAVENDER AND THE 482 00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:21,746 PROPS PERSON WAS ALSO SNIFFING LAVENDER. 483 00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:24,182 AND I WAS, LIKE, LET ME SMELL THAT. 484 00:31:24,249 --> 00:31:25,850 AND THEY SAID, WE'RE READY TO GO. 485 00:31:25,917 --> 00:31:28,886 I TOOK A SNIFF, IT WAS AMAZING. I PUT IT DOWN, THE SCENE STARTS 486 00:31:28,953 --> 00:31:32,724 AND BRIAN COX IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND, RIGHT AS IT'S 487 00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:35,426 HAPPENING, HE'S TELLING ME THE PITCH OF THE DEAL AND I LOOK 488 00:31:35,493 --> 00:31:38,997 DOWN AND I JUST GRAB THE LAVENDER AND I SMELL IT WHILE 489 00:31:39,063 --> 00:31:43,434 HE'S DOING THE SCENE! AND THEN I WAS, LIKE, WELL, 490 00:31:43,501 --> 00:31:46,638 THEY'RE EVENTUALLY GOING TO TELL ME NOT TO DO THAT AND THEN TAKE 491 00:31:46,704 --> 00:31:50,608 AFTER TAKE AFTER TAKE AND NOW IT'S LIKE A MEME AND I KEEP ON 492 00:31:50,675 --> 00:31:53,945 SAYING, IF I KNEW SNIFFING LAVENDER WAS GOING TO BE A BIG 493 00:31:54,012 --> 00:31:56,314 HIT, I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS 15 YEARS AGO. 494 00:31:56,381 --> 00:31:58,716 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'VE INTERVIEWED 495 00:31:58,783 --> 00:32:02,086 BRIAN COX A COUPLE OF TIMES AND HE'S A VERY INTERESTING GUY, BUT 496 00:32:02,153 --> 00:32:07,792 I IMAGINE ACROSS A TABLE FROM HIM, ESPECIALLY HIM PLAYING THAT 497 00:32:07,859 --> 00:32:11,863 CHARACTER MIGHT BE A BIT OF AN INTIMIDATING FIGURE. 498 00:32:11,929 --> 00:32:14,599 >> VERY INTIMIDATING AND, ALSO, YOU KNOW, HE'S A THEATER AND 499 00:32:14,666 --> 00:32:17,902 FILM AND TV LEGEND. AND ONE TIME I HAD THIS SCENE IN 500 00:32:17,969 --> 00:32:21,973 SEASON ONE WHERE I HAVE TO TELL HIM IN FRONT OF ALL THESE 501 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:33,051 AMAZING ACTORS LIKE EVERYONE FIN' HATES YOU AND THE FIRST 502 00:32:33,117 --> 00:32:36,487 TAKE HAPPENS AND I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS AND HE COMES UP TO ME 503 00:32:36,554 --> 00:32:41,526 AND SAYS, STOP IT, YOU'RE GREAT, JUST BE GREAT. 504 00:32:41,592 --> 00:32:45,530 AND THAT COMPLETELY PUT ME AT EASE. 505 00:32:45,596 --> 00:32:48,700 >> Stephen: HOW GENEROUS. HE WAS, LIKE, ANGRY BUT 506 00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:51,736 GENEROUS. HE'S, LIKE, STOP IT, YOU'RE 507 00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:52,937 GREAT! IT WAS FUN. 508 00:32:53,004 --> 00:33:02,213 >> Stephen: YOU -- AND THIS IS A COMPLIMENT -- BUT YOU LOOK 509 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,683 LIKE STEWY. PEOPLE EVER JUST SEE YOU AS 510 00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:07,919 STEWY? DO THEY TREAT YOU LIKE STEWY 511 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:12,190 WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN THE WORLD? >> ALL THE TIME. 512 00:33:12,256 --> 00:33:14,392 NUMEROUS TIMES I'M WITH MY GIRLS AT A RESTAURANT. 513 00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:19,464 >> Stephen: ARE THEY YOUNG? 13 AND 11, THEY HAVE NOT SEEN 514 00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:21,065 "SUCCESSION." HOPEFULLY THEY NEVER DO. 515 00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:25,803 AND THEN SOMEONE -- YOU COULD TELL, LIKE, FINANCE PERSON WALKS 516 00:33:25,870 --> 00:33:29,707 RIGHT BY AND IT'S KIND OF LIKE -- AND ONE PERSON ONE TIME 517 00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:33,444 WAS, LIKE, YOU WANT TO HIT THE BATHROOM AFTER THIS? 518 00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:39,350 AND I'M KIND OF LIKE MY KIDS ARE HERE AND I'VE CO-FOUNDED A 519 00:33:39,417 --> 00:33:42,253 NONPROFIT THEATER COMPANY. I DON'T THINK I'M THE GUY YOU 520 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:44,789 THINK I AM. >> Stephen: LET'S DO A LITTLE 521 00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,891 BUMP. >> LET'S JUST DO A LITTLE BUMP 522 00:33:46,958 --> 00:33:49,494 RIGHT HERE! >> Stephen: SO WAS IT GOOD 523 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,696 STUFF? >> YEAH, IT WAS GREAT. 524 00:33:51,763 --> 00:33:58,369 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU ARE STARRING IN "INVENTING ANNA," 525 00:33:58,436 --> 00:34:00,104 WHCH IS ABOUT THIS WOMAN. >> YEAH. 526 00:34:00,171 --> 00:34:03,941 >> Stephen: YOU PLAY ANNA DELVEY'S LAWYER. 527 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:05,376 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: THIS IS A 528 00:34:05,443 --> 00:34:06,677 FASCINATING STORY. TELL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW 529 00:34:06,744 --> 00:34:10,581 IT YET WHO SHE WAS. >> SHE WAS, IS OFTEN KNOWN AS 530 00:34:10,648 --> 00:34:17,622 THE SOHO GRIFTER, AND SHE WAS THIS FAKE GERMAN HEIRESS WHO 531 00:34:17,688 --> 00:34:20,792 SWINDLED A BUNCH OF ELITE NEW YORKERS AND I REPRESENT HER 532 00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:23,194 IN A COURT OF LAW. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE 533 00:34:23,261 --> 00:34:24,896 ACTUAL CRIMES SHE WAS ACCUSED OF? 534 00:34:24,962 --> 00:34:29,867 >> THE CRIMES, THERE WERE TWELVE CRIMES SHE WAS ACCUSED OF. 535 00:34:29,934 --> 00:34:31,969 THAT'S A NICE NUMBER. >> Stephen: YEAH. 536 00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:44,081 BUT MY CHARACTER PLAYED BY ME -D SPODUK, THE ACTUAL HUMAN BEING, 537 00:34:44,148 --> 00:34:48,019 GOT HER OFF ON FOUR OF THOSE TWELVE CHARGES, SO HE DID A 538 00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:51,289 REALLY GOOD JOB. BUT THE CHARGES WERE, YOU KNOW, 539 00:34:51,355 --> 00:34:54,325 STEALING FROM A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND PLACES AND 540 00:34:54,392 --> 00:34:56,627 ORGANIZATIONS. >> Stephen: AND DID SHE CHANGE 541 00:34:56,694 --> 00:35:02,567 HER IDENTITY AS SHE WENT ALONG OR JUST ALWAYS THIS ONE GERMAN 542 00:35:02,633 --> 00:35:05,002 FAKE HEIRESS? >> SHE WAS A COMPLETELYIAN THAT 543 00:35:05,069 --> 00:35:15,947 CAN GO INTO A ROOM AND SHE'S -- CHAMELEON WHO CAN GO INTO A ROOM 544 00:35:16,013 --> 00:35:22,186 AND BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. >> Stephen: HAVE YOUR 11 AND 545 00:35:22,253 --> 00:35:23,454 13-YEAR-OLD SEEN "INVENTING ANNA." 546 00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:27,725 >> THEY'VE SEEN IT AD NAUSEAM, BIG TEAM ANNA FANS. 547 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:36,701 THEY'RE USUALLY NOT IMPRESSED BY IT, BUT I WAS IN "SPIDER-MAN" 548 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:40,137 AND FOR A DAY I WAS THE COOLEST GUY. 549 00:35:40,204 --> 00:35:43,574 >> Stephen: IT MUST BE THE COOLEST THING FOR THEIR DAD TO 550 00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:47,044 BE IN THE BIGGEST MOVIE EVER. >> YEAH, THE NEXT DAY THEY WERE, 551 00:35:47,111 --> 00:35:48,779 LIKE, YOUR PART WAS KIND OF SMALL. 552 00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:51,616 I WAS, LIKE, JUST GO TO YOUR ROOM! 553 00:35:51,682 --> 00:35:54,185 >> Stephen: SOMETHING ON A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SUBJECT. 554 00:35:54,252 --> 00:35:55,553 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOUR FAMILY WAS 555 00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:59,891 FROM IRAN AND THEY LEFT THE IRANIAN REVOLUTION IN 189 # 79. 556 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:04,328 COMING FROM A FAMILY THAT HAD TO MAKE A NEW LIFE AFTER BEING 557 00:36:04,395 --> 00:36:07,164 DISPLACED BY A CRISIS IN THEIR HOME COUNTRY, WHETHER THAT GIVES 558 00:36:07,231 --> 00:36:13,070 YOU A PARTICULAR VIEW OF WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE TRAGEDY IN 559 00:36:13,137 --> 00:36:15,139 UKRAINE. >> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY, IT'S THE 560 00:36:15,206 --> 00:36:18,643 BRAVERY THAT WE ARE ALL WATCHING OF THESE MEN AND WOMEN WHO 561 00:36:18,709 --> 00:36:22,613 WORKED IN I.T. AND MARKETING DEPARTMENTS THAT ARE NOW 562 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:26,651 DEFENDING THEIR HOMELAND IS KIND OF SO INCREDIBLE TO WATCH, AND 563 00:36:26,717 --> 00:36:29,687 WE APPLAUD THEM. AND I OFTENTIMES THINK, YOU 564 00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:32,356 KNOW, THAT HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY. 565 00:36:32,423 --> 00:36:38,629 MY FAMILY LEFT IRAN, AND WE WERE THEN INVADED BY IRAQ, AND MY 566 00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:44,702 BROTHER FOUGHT IN THE IRAN-IRAQ WAR, AND THOSE STORIES, AND THEN 567 00:36:44,769 --> 00:36:48,773 WE'RE ALSO JUST PEOPLE. AS MUCH AS I AM PRAYING FOR THE 568 00:36:48,839 --> 00:36:52,109 UKRAINIANS, I'M PRAYING FOR AN OPPORTUNITY THAT WE GET TO 569 00:36:52,176 --> 00:36:56,981 EMPATHIZE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THESE WAR-TORN 570 00:36:57,048 --> 00:36:58,583 SITUATIONS. >> Stephen: ARIAN, THANK YOU 571 00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:01,953 SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU. 572 00:37:02,019 --> 00:37:02,954 >> STEPHEN: "INVENTING ANNA" IS ON NETFLIX NOW. 573 00:37:03,020 --> 00:37:04,956 ARIAN MOYED, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 574 00:37:20,438 --> 00:37:24,008 >> STEPHEN: HERE PERFORMING HIS SINGLE, "DIET COKE," PUSHA T! 575 00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:27,612 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ YESTERDAY'S PRICE 576 00:37:27,678 --> 00:37:31,282 IS NOT TODAY'S PRICE ♪ LIKE, LIKE—LIKE, 577 00:37:31,349 --> 00:37:32,183 CRACK—CRACK, ♪ LIKE, LIKE 578 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:35,286 LIKE, LI—LI—CRACK, ♪ CRACK, CRACK 579 00:37:35,353 --> 00:37:40,658 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IMAGINARY PLAYERS 580 00:37:40,725 --> 00:37:43,461 AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT ♪ MASTER RECIPES 581 00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:46,998 UNDER STOVE LIGHTS ♪ THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY 582 00:37:47,064 --> 00:37:49,300 IS THE QUOTE PRICE ♪ YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, 583 00:37:49,367 --> 00:37:52,770 THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? ♪ EVERYBODY GET IT OFF THE BOAT, 584 00:37:52,837 --> 00:37:55,373 RIGHT? ♪ BUT ONLY I CAN REALLY 585 00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:59,477 HAVE A SNOW FIGHT ♪ DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE, 586 00:37:59,543 --> 00:38:01,512 WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE? ♪ IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER, 587 00:38:01,579 --> 00:38:05,683 STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE ♪ MISSY WAS OUR ONLY MISDEMEANOR 588 00:38:05,750 --> 00:38:08,619 MY TUNNEL VISION'S BETTER ♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS 589 00:38:08,686 --> 00:38:11,322 YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, ♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? 590 00:38:11,389 --> 00:38:13,924 MY WORKERS COMPENSATED ♪ SO THEY DON'T STRIKE 591 00:38:13,991 --> 00:38:17,695 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WISH ME LUCK, 592 00:38:17,762 --> 00:38:19,130 SEE GREEN LIKE ♪ DON BISHOP 593 00:38:19,196 --> 00:38:21,866 THE ONES YOU TRUST ♪ STILL CHANGE 594 00:38:21,932 --> 00:38:23,367 LIKE THEM CHAINS YOU TUCK ♪ FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, 595 00:38:23,434 --> 00:38:25,836 WHO'S THE BEST? ♪ ME AND YEZOS 596 00:38:25,903 --> 00:38:27,104 WASH, THEN DRY, ♪ SO GIVE ME 597 00:38:27,171 --> 00:38:34,512 ALL OF MINE IN PESOS ♪ ADD IT UP (ADD IT UP) 598 00:38:34,578 --> 00:38:36,013 YOUR IN THEM PICTURES ♪ BUT THEY LAZER TAGGIN' US 599 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:37,581 THEY MAD AT US, ♪ WHO WOULDN'T BE? 600 00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:39,116 WE BECAME EVERYTHING ♪ YOU COULDN'T BE 601 00:38:39,183 --> 00:38:42,887 EVERYTHING YOUR MAMA ♪ SAID YOU SHOULDN'T BE 602 00:38:42,953 --> 00:38:47,124 THE PORSCHE'S HORSES REVVIN', ♪ LIKE, "LOOK AT ME" 603 00:38:47,191 --> 00:38:51,162 SADDLE UP I'M STILL PITCHIN', ♪ BABY, BATTER UP 604 00:38:51,228 --> 00:38:53,998 IMAGINARY PLAYERS ♪ AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT 605 00:38:54,065 --> 00:38:57,234 MASTER RECIPES ♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS 606 00:38:57,301 --> 00:39:00,538 THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY ♪ IS THE QUOTE PRICE 607 00:39:00,604 --> 00:39:05,710 YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, ♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? 608 00:39:05,776 --> 00:39:06,944 ♪ OFF THE BOAT, RIGHT? BUT ONLY I 609 00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:10,781 ♪ CAN REALLY HAVE A SNOW FIGHT DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE, 610 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:12,616 ♪ WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE? IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER, 611 00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:15,186 ♪ STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE ♪ ♪ ♪ 612 00:39:15,252 --> 00:39:17,455 ♪ THE FLOW'S UNTOUCHED, THE DRUMS IS TUCKED 613 00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:19,090 ♪ DRIVE CULLINAN WHEN ROADS GET ROUGH 614 00:39:19,156 --> 00:39:22,793 ♪ SNOW'S A MUST, THE NOSE ADJUST 615 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:23,828 ♪ YOUNG Gs LIKE WE H.O.V. AND PUFF BEST JEWELRIES 616 00:39:23,894 --> 00:39:27,131 ♪ AND HOES WE LUST CHANEL TRINKETS 617 00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:29,867 ♪ AND HOES'LL BLUSH CRUSH HEARTS LIKE 618 00:39:29,934 --> 00:39:31,102 ♪ PRETTY BOYS AND WE DRIVIN' 619 00:39:31,168 --> 00:39:34,138 ♪ PRETTY TOYS EXTENDOS WILL MAKE 620 00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,907 ♪ PLENTY NOISE CRESCENDO MAKE YOUR CAR ENDO 621 00:39:36,974 --> 00:39:41,879 ♪ PIERCE YOUR CAR WINDOW MISSY WAS OUR ONLY MISDEMEANOR 622 00:39:41,946 --> 00:39:45,015 ♪ NIKE BOX HOLD A HUNDRED THOU' WITH NO INSOLES, UH 623 00:39:45,082 --> 00:39:46,717 ♪ THE CRACK ERA WAS SUCH A BLACK ERA 624 00:39:46,784 --> 00:39:49,153 ♪ HOW MANY STILL STANDIN' REFLECTIN' IN THAT MIRROR? 625 00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,122 ♪ LUCKY ME IMAGINARY PLAYERS 626 00:39:51,188 --> 00:39:54,592 ♪ AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT MASTER RECIPES 627 00:39:54,658 --> 00:39:57,828 ♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY 628 00:39:57,895 --> 00:39:59,263 ♪ IS THE QUOTE PRICE YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, 629 00:39:59,330 --> 00:40:04,268 ♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? ♪ GET IT OFF THE BOAT, RIGHT? 630 00:40:04,335 --> 00:40:08,606 BUT ONLY I CAN REALLY ♪ HAVE A SNOW FIGHT 631 00:40:08,672 --> 00:40:10,407 DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE, ♪ WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE? 632 00:40:10,474 --> 00:40:12,643 IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER, ♪ STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE 633 00:40:12,710 --> 00:40:15,479 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 634 00:40:15,546 --> 00:40:21,719 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 635 00:40:21,786 --> 00:40:23,187 >> STEPHEN: PUSHA T, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 636 00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:25,689 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.