>> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
ANNOUNCING TASK FORCE KLEPTOCAPTURE TO ENFORCE NEW
SANCTIONS AGAINST RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRES.
>> GERMANY ALREADY HAS SEIZED THE YACHT OF A RUSSIAN
BILLIONAIRE WHO WAS SANCTIONED BY THE EUROPEAN UNION MONDAY.
>> AT LEAST TWO RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS HAVE NOW PUBLICLY
CALLED FOR PUTIN TO END THE WAR. ( SINGING TO TUNE OF "IMAGINE"
BY JOHN LENNON )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, CRIME'S UP! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KYLE
MacLACHLAN! ARIAN MOYED, AND MUSICAL GUEST
PUSHA T, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING )
>> Jon: AAAHHH! >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY!
PLEASE! PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, FOLKS.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, A TROUBLING TIME, WHAT WITH THE
PANDEMIC AND NOW A BRUTAL, UNPROVOKED WAR IN EUROPE.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THERE'S A GLEAM OF SUNSHINE IN
THE WORLD, A CHILD'S SMILE, THE FIRST FLOWER OF SPRING, THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE LAYING OUT POTENTIAL CRIMINAL CHARGES
AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TURNS OUT, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT TRYING TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW
OUR DEMOCRACY MIGHT BE ILLEGAL. THE POTENTIAL CHARGE AGAINST THE
FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CAMPAIGN IS "CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY
TO DEFRAUD THE UNITED STATES." TO PARAPHRASE AN IDIOT AND HIS
BLOODTHIRSTY MOB: LOCK HIM UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHANTING LOCK HIM UP )
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW! I'VE NEVER HAD MY OWN BLOOD
THIRSTY MOB BEFORE. ( LAUGHTER )
I GET THE APPEAL, I HAVE TO SAY. THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM A
CIVIL COURT FILING INVOLVING DISGRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN,
SEEN HERE STARRING IN "INDIANA JONES AND THE TRICKLE OF
FLOMAX." ( LAUGHTER )
EASTMAN WAS THE LEGAL GENIUS BEHIND THE THEORY THAT, AFTER
A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAD
THE POWER UNDER THE CONSTITUTION TO DECLARE, "PSYCH!"
( LAUGHTER ) NATURALLY, THE COMMITTEE WANTS
ALL OF EASTMAN'S RELEVANT DOCUMENTS AND EMAILS.
SO FAR, HE'S TURNED OVER LESS THAN HALF OF THEM, CITING
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT THOSE CLAIMS WERE UNDERCUT
BECAUSE EASTMAN HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO PROVE HE WAS EVER HIRED BY
THE FORMER PRESIDENT. IN FACT, AN "ENGAGEMENT LETTER"
THAT EASTMAN PRODUCED LAST WEEK WAS UNSIGNED.
NOT THE FIRST TIME THE EX-PREZ BAILED ON AN ENGAGEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MORE IMPORTANT ARGUMENT
THE COMMITTEE IS MAKING HERE, IS THAT EASTMAN'S "CLAIM OF
PRIVILEGE WAS POTENTIALLY VOIDED BY THE "CRIME/FRAUD EXCEPTION,"
WHICH HOLDS THAT COMMUNICATIONS NEED NOT BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL IF
AN ATTORNEY IS FOUND TO BE ASSISTING THEIR CLIENT IN THE
COMMISSION OF A CRIME." THAT SEEMS PRETTY REASONABLE.
YOUR LAWYER CAN'T BE AN ACCESSORY TO YOUR CRIME.
WE LEARNED THAT IN THE DRAMATIC EPISODE WHERE THEY
FOUND MATLOCK WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF HUMAN FEET.
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY HAVE
EVIDENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNEW HE WAS COMMITTING
FRAUD, THANKS TO THE TESTIMONY OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER
AND SOFT-BOILED GUY FIERI JASON MILLER.
ACCORDING TO MILLER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS WELL AWARE THAT
HIS MONTHS OF ASSERTIONS ABOUT A STOLEN ELECTION WERE FALSE,
BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN TOLD SOON AFTER ELECTION DAY, BY A
CAMPAIGN DATA EXPERT "IN PRETTY BLUNT TERMS" THAT HE WAS GOING
TO LOSE. HOW BLUNT?
IF THE MESSAGE WAS DELIVERED VIA ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN
"SCRATCH 'N SNIFF," I DON'T THINK IT GOT THROUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SCRATCH AND SNIFF.
>> Jon: SCRATCH AND SNIFF. MMM.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF LEADERS LYING TO THEIR PEOPLE...
VLADIMIR PUTIN. SO FAR, HIS INVASION HAS BEEN AN
EMBARRASSMENT TO MOTHER RUSSIA. SO TODAY, HE MET WITH HIS
SECURITY COUNCIL, AND HE MADE THIS SURPRISING CLAIM:
>> (TRANSLATED): I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT SPECIAL MILITARY
OPERATION IS BEING CONDUCTED STRICTLY IN ACCORDANCE TO THE
PLAN AND SCHEDULE. >> STEPHEN: (AS PUTIN)
"IT'S TRUE. I'VE WRITTEN IT ALL ON LIST:
PHASE 1: INVADE. PHASE 2: WORLD HATE US.
PHASE 3: MONEY IN WALLET TURN TO DUST.
PHASE 4: VICTORY. CELEBRATE WITH 'FUDGIE THE
WHALE' CAKE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FURNLGY THE TURNIP? FUDGY THE WHALE TURNIP?
ONE OF THE REASONS THE INVASION'S NOT GOING ACCORDING
TO PUTIN'S PLAN IS BECAUSE ORDINARY UKRAINIANS ARE JOINING
THE FIGHT-- LIKE ONE UKRAINIAN COSTUME DESIGNER WHO IS USING
HER MOVIE INDUSTRY SKILLS, NOT TO DRESS ACTORS, BUT TO SOURCE
UNIFORMS, SHOES, HELMETS, GLOVES, BODY ARMOR, AND KNEE
PADS. I'M NOT SURPRISED.
EVERYONE IN SHOWBIZ KNOWS THERE'S NO ONE TOUGHER OR
MORE RESOURCEFUL THAN THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT.
EVERY DAY, I SHOW UP IN A FLEECE VEST CRUSTED WITH CHILI STAINS,
AND THEY TRANSFORM ME INTO THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'VE GOT TO USE AN ICE SCRAPER TO SCRAPE ME OUT.
AND, LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN: >> WE WANT TO JUST LIVE HERE ON
OUR OWN LAND, YES, TO MAKE OUR OWN MISTAKES, TO HAVE OUR OWN,
MAYBE CORRUPTED GOVERNMENT, BUT THE ONE THAT WE ELECT.
>> STEPHEN: YES. DEMOCRACY'S ALL ABOUT HAVING THE
RIGHT TO ELECT AND THEN HATE YOUR OWN LEADERS.
ASK ANY MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY. THAT WOMAN ALSO INTRODUCED US TO
THE NEXT GENERATION OF UKRAINIAN PATRIOTS.
>> IT FEELS LIKE ALL 44 MILLION PEOPLE IN UKRAINE-- YOUNG AND
OLD, MEN AND WOMEN-- EVERYBODY IS UNITED.
EVERYBODY IS A SOLDIER. >> YES.
THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. YES.
EVEN THIS BABY IS A SOLDIER, I THINK.
>> Stephen: THAT WOMAN IS UNBELIEVABLY TOUGH AND
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. ANYONE WHO'S HAD A BABY KNOWS
THEY ARE SMALL BUT RELENTLESS OPPONENTS, AND FEARLESS MASTERS
OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION TORTURE. "OH, MOMMY, YOU WANT TO SLEEP?
YES? WELL, WELL US WHERE THE BINKY
IS. NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
I WANT THE BLUE ONE THIS TIME. WHOA.
WHAT IS THIS THING?! THERE'S ANOTHER!
TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE!
MMM, THEY TASTE GOOD. FOOT!"
( LAUGHTER ) SEEING THAT WOMAN SPEAKING
WITH HER BABY IN HER ARMS, REMINDS YOU OF THE HUMAN COST OF
ALL OF THIS. THESE ARE ORDINARY PEOPLE
TRYING TO GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHILE A VICIOUS PSYCHOPATH
UNLEASHES MODERN WEAPONS OF WAR AGAINST THEM.
AND IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL HELPLESS TO SEE THIS HUMAN
SUFFERING. BUT THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO.
THERE'S A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS YOU CAN DONATE TO, PINNED TO THE
TOP OF OUR TWITTER PAGE. JUST GO TO "@COLBERTLATESHOW" TO
FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN HELP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE THING EVERYONE'S TRYING TO DO RIGHT NOW IS FIGURE OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEAD, AND WE GOT A
LITTLE INSIGHT THIS WEEK FROM FORMER PRESIDENT AND GRANDPA
REALLY GETTING A KICK OUT OF THIS LIBRARY PUPPET SHOW
GEORGE W. BUSH. BUSH WAS AT A FUNDRAISER
TUESDAY, AND, DURING A Q&A, HE RECOUNTED A VERY TELLING
EXCHANGE HE AND PUTIN ONCE HAD YEARS AGO, INVOLVING THEIR PETS.
OF COURSE! THEY WERE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR
LAPDOGS. HERE'S THE STORY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE STORY -- ACCORDING TO BUSH, "I INTRODUCED
VLADIMIR PUTIN TO BARNEY, OUR SCOTTISH TERRIER, AND PUTIN
DISSED HIM." "A YEAR LATER, LAURA AND I GO
VISIT VLADIMIR, AND HE SAYS 'I WANT YOU TO MEET MY DOG.'
I SAID, 'YEAH, SURE,' AND I'LL NEVER FORGET, OUT RUNS A HUGE
RUSSIAN HOUND, AND PUTIN SAYS 'BIGGER, STRONGER, AND FASTER
THAN BARNEY'." PUTIN'S SO INSECURE HE HAS TO
COMPARE DOG SIZES? THAT LITTLE BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN A FEMALE DOG. IT'S A FEMALE DOG.
BUT THIS DOES MEAN WE KNOW HOW TO TERRIFY PUTIN, JUST BY
RELEASING FOOTAGE OF OUR LATEST MILITARY ASSET: CLIFFORD.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY REASON PUTIN FEELS HE
CAN ACT WITH IMPUNITY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS CHINA HAS HIS BACK.
AND, EVIDENTLY, HE HAS THEIRS. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO REPORTS,
PUTIN WANTED TO INVADE EARLIER, BUT HE WAITED BECAUSE CHINA
ASKED RUSSIA TO DELAY THE UKRAINE WAR UNTIL AFTER THE
OLYMPICS. YEAH, THEY DIDN'T WANT RUSSIA
TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH THE INVASION.
THEY WANTED RUSSIA TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH 15-YEAR-OLDS
FREE-BASING PEE-POP'S HEART PILLS.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THAT REPORT, A
SPOKESPERSON FOR CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING CLAIMED
THEY DIDN'T ASK RUSSIA FOR THE DELAY.
IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF "HE SAID, XI SAID."
( LAUGHTER ) CHINA IS JUST ABOUT THE ONLY
FRIEND RUSSIA HAS LEFT, BECAUSE EVERY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY AND
CORPORATION IS DISOWNING THEM. FOR INSTANCE, IKEA IS CLOSING
ITS RUSSIAN STORES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. SURE.
THIS WILL GO SPOOL EFFECT AS SOON AS
AS THEY CAN FIND THAT LITTLE ALLEN WRENCH TO TAKE THE STORES
APART. ( LAUGHTER )
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW. MY GUESTS ARE KYLE MacLACHLAN
AND ARIAN MOYED. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND PPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
JON, IN JUST A MOMENT, THE ONE THE ONLY KYLE MacLACHLAN IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE TO JOIN US HERE ON STAGE.
>> YES, IN THE HOUSE. LET'S GET IT, KYLE.
>> Stephen: YOU EVER WATCH ANY OF THE "SUCCESSION"?
>> Jon: OH, YES. >> Stephen: STEWY FROM
"SUCCESSION" WILL BE OUT HERE, ARIAN MOYED WITH "INVENTING
ANNA" WILL BE HERE. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT COMING UP,
JOHN? >> Jon: LITERALLY, THE
WEEKEND. >> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO HANG OUT WITH "THE WEEKEND."
HARD TO TELL WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THESE DAYS WHEN
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT "THE WEEKEND."
>> Jon: I'M EXCITED ABOUT THE WEEKEND TO DO NOTHING.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S THE MOST YOU CAN DO, JON.
>> Jon: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO HAVE A PAUSE.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> Jon: A PAUSE FOR A WORTHY
CAUSE. >> Stephen: YOU WORK HARD,
BUT, ULTIMATELY, EVERYBODY IS WORKING FOR "THE WEEKEND."
>> Jon: WHOO! >> Stephen: LOVER BOY -- LOVER
BOY -- CHRIS OVER THERE WAS AN OVERNIGHT DEEJAY WHEN HE WAS IN
HIGH SCHOOL. DID YOU EVER PLAY ANY LOVER BOY?
SURE, CAN YOU NAME ANY OTHER LOVER BOY SONG OTHER THAN
"EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND"?
NEITHER CAN I? CAN ANYBODY ELSE?
>> "TURN ME LOOSE"! >> Stephen: TURN ME LOOSE, I
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SONG IS. MARK, YOU KNOW IT, HOW DOES IT
GO? ♪ WHY DON'T YOU TURN ME LOOSE ♪
>> Stephen: (SINGING). ♪ TURN ME WHROOS ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I
SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, PLANTING AND
GROWING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS IN A PARCELED TERROIR AT
PRECISELY 80 METERS, ON A NORTH-FACING SLOPE, WITH JUST
THE RIGHT MICROCLIMATE, THEN HAND-PICKING ONLY THE RIPEST,
MOST TOPICAL BOTRYTIS-PRUNED STORY GRAPES.
AFTER THREE PRESSINGS, I THEN CAREFULLY BARREL-AGE THEIR
NOBLE-ROTTED NECTAR FOR 30 MONTHS EXCLUSIVELY IN NEW OAK TO
BRING OUT THE AROMAS OF TROPICAL FRUITS, HONEYED PEARS, AND
ROASTED NUTS IN THE CHATEAU D'YQUEM SAUTERNES THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I WAKE UP IN A BULGARIAN PRISON, CONVICTED OF WHAT MY NON-ENGLISH
SPEAKING, COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER ONLY CALLS "ANIMAL WRONGS."
I TRADE THE CIGARETTES I WON IN A BARE-KNUCKLE MATCH WITH A
GUARD FOR SOME FIG MARMALADE, APPLE CORES, AND DISCARDED
KETCHUP PACKETS, TOSS IT ALL IN THE PLASTIC BAG I STOLE OFF MY
CELLMATE DRAGOMIR'S FOOT WHILE HE SLEPT, AND LEAVE IT TO
FERMENT UNDER A HOT SEWAGE PIPE OVERNIGHT, TO SERVE UP THE
SOUR-MASHED GOON PLONK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A FERMENTED PIPE. MEANWHILE -- RIGHT THERE,
SYMMETRICAL. MEANWHILE, OVER IN BURGER-VANIA,
"BURGER KING'S LARGEST FRANCHISE IS CUTTING THEIR CHICKEN NUGGET
COUNT AS PRICES SURGE." WHICH EXPLAINS BURGER KING
CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN FROM "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" TO "WE'VE ALL GOT
TO MAKE SACRIFICES-- AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED THAT STRAW BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE "NUMBER OF
NUGGETS PROVIDED IN A BURGER KING MEAL WILL GO FROM TEN DOWN
TO EIGHT." BUT, DON'T WORRY, THE AMOUNT OF
CHICKEN IN THE MEAL WILL REMAIN ZERO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK,
"GOVERNOR HOCHUL HAS OUTLINED A PLAN TO OVERHAUL STATE LIQUOR
LAWS, INCLUDING "PERMANENTLY LEGALIZING TO-GO ALCOHOL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT HEADLINE AGAIN:
"STEPHEN COLBERT DISCOVERS THAT, BEFORE NOW, JUST WALKING AROUND
DRINKING BOOZE ON THE STREET WAS NOT LEGAL."
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
NEW ORLEANS -- NEW ORLEANS, YOU CAN HAVE OPEN CONTAINERS.
>> Jon: YOU CAN. YOU CAN HAVE A DAIQUIRI.
>> Stephen: WOW. IN ADDITION TO TAKE-AWAY HOOCH,
THE GOVERNOR IS ALSO CONSIDERING ALLOWING DRINKS TO BE SERVED AT
MOVIE THEATERS. WELL, GOOD.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING DRUNK NEW YORKERS ARE FAMOUS
FOR, IT'S SITTING QUIETLY AND APPRECIATING THE MIS-EN-SCENE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SOCCER STAR CRISTIANO
RONALDO WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK AFTER HE SHOWERED ON INSTAGRAM
LIVE. GOOD LORD!
THERE ARE CREASES IN THAT MAN'S BODY I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED ON
HUMAN BEINGS. HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
SHRINK-WRAPPED A TERMINATOR. 670,000 PEOPLE TUNED IN AND, FOR
SOME REASON, MADE COMMENTS LIKE "VERY BRAVE."
NO, IT'S NOT! IT IS NOT BRAVE!
IF I TOOK A PUBLIC SHOWER ON INSTAGRAM LIVE, IT WOULD BE AN
ACT OF UNBRIDLED COURAGE. IF I LOOKED LIKE THAT, I'D BURN
ALL MY CLOTHES. "BRAVE" IS TAKING YOUR SHIRT OFF
AT A HOTEL POOL WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE A CINCH-SACK FULL OF RAW
CHICKEN SKIN. ( LAUGHTER )
NOT THAT! VERY BRAVE...
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "AN UNUSED TICKET TO
MICHAEL JORDAN'S DEBUT GAME SOLD FOR $468,000."
ALTHOUGH $400 GRAND OF THAT WAS TICKETMASTER FEES.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO!
THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH! >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IN
WEARABLE FITNESS NEWS, "FITBIT HAS RECALLED 1.7
MILLION SMARTWATCHES WITH A BATTERY THAT CAN OVERHEAT."
SOUNDS DANGEROUS. AND AS A FITBIT OWNER, I HAVE
ONE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: DOES THIS AFFECT FITBITS THAT
HAVE NEVER BEEN REMOVED FROM THE BOX?
( LAUGHTER ) ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN THE CONGO, "A
POLYGAMIST WED TRIPLETS ON THE SAME DAY, AFTER THEY ALL
PROPOSED TO HIM." AFTER MEETING ONE, "SHE
INTRODUCED HIM TO HER TWIN SISTERS, WHO BECAME EQUALLY
SMITTEN," AND THE MAN FELT "OBLIGED TO MARRY ALL OF THEM
BECAUSE THEY ARE TRIPLETS." DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE OBLIGED TO
MARRY THREE SIBLINGS JUST BECAUSE YOU MET ONE.
I'M SO SORRY, HEMSWORTH BROTHERS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KYLE
MacLACHLAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY! THANKS, EVERYBODY!
WE HAD A LIVE SHOW -- WE HAD A LIVE SHOW TWO NIGHTS AGO AND YOU
CAUGHT ME COMING BACK FROM COMMERCIAL TRYING TO SNORKEL A
CUP OF COFFEE OVER HERE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK. MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "TWIN PEAKS," "BLUE VELVET," AND "SEX AND THE CITY."
HE NOW STARS IN "JOE VS. CAROLE."
>> NOCOMMENT IS NOT AN EVASION.
YOU DIDN'T DODGE HER QUESTION, YOU SIMPLY CHOSE NOT TO DIGNIFY
IT WITH AN ANSWER. >> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
I MEAN, WITH JOURNALISM LIKE THAT, I MIGHT AS WELL RENAME
THEMSELVES THE INQUIRER. WHAT'S NEXT, ELLA AND PORTIA ARE
HAVING THREE AS MANY AS WITH ALIENS.
>> I'M GOING TO CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION.
>> THAT'S NOT FAIR. I AM SO ANGRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? >> WHAT?
I'M GOING TO WRITE A STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER TO THE
EDITOR. >> I LOVE WHEN YOU GET ALL RILED
UP ON MY BEHALF. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" KYLE MacLACHLAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> WHAT A NICE AUDIENCE! >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. >> THANK YOU, NICE TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE PARTICULARLY HANDSOME WITH YOUR
SALT AND PEPPER AND STEVE McQUEEN TURTLENECK.
>> YOU MUST KNOW MY STYLIST. VERY GOOD.
>> Stephen: MOST PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM "BLUE VELVET," "TWIN
PEAKS," "SEX AND THE CITY." >> YES.
>> Stephen: THE LIST GOES ON AND ON BUT YOU'VE ADDED ANOTHER
ITEM TO YOUR RESUME WHICH I DIDGED SEE COMING, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU DID. THIS WAS -- LET'S SEE, THIS WAS
THIS YEAR, JANUARY 16th, YOU WORKING THE RUNWAY AT THE PRADA
FASHION SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KYLE MacLACHLAN, HOW DID YOU END UP ON THE CATWALK?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA. >> Stephen: YOU KNEW YOU
WEREN'T JUST WALKING, YOU WERE IN A STYLE SHOW.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME. THINK SERVED ME CHAMPAGNE
BACKSTAGE BECAUSE THEY KNEW I NEEDED HELP.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WEARING BAGGY BAGGY JEANS.
>> THAT'S MY NEW STYLE. >> Stephen: AND A COAT.
THAT'S A SILK PAJAMA, MAN. >> Stephen: SO THIS IS JUST A
BLACK BATHROBE IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
>> THAT'S FOUR-PLY CASHMERE, MAN.
IT'S AMAZING. >> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL?
THE ONLY THING THAT GOES INTO YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT
SITUATION IS DO NOT FALL DOWN. >> Stephen: ARE YOU NEW TO
WALKING? WHY WOULD YOU FALL DOWN?
>> IT'S WALKING UNDER PRESSURE. NO, I'M WEARING -- IT'S VERY
CHALLENGING. >> Stephen: WALKING UNDER
PRESSURE! WOW!
HAVE YOU DONE THAT BEFORE? IT DOES SOUND HARD.
>> IT'S REALLY CHALLENGING. >> Stephen: BUT WALKING WHEN
PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU. >> WELL, RUBBER BOOTS ON A
CARPET SO THE SCUFF FACTOR IS VERY HIGH.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD GET SPARKY FINGERS.
>> YEAH. DON'T TOUCH ANYBODY.
>> Stephen: WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP OF YOU WALKING UNDER
PRESSURE. JIM.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
DO I LOOK LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
>> Stephen: OH, CLEARLY, YOU'VE WALKED BEFORE.
I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU SINCE THE PREMIERE OF DENESTLE'S DOOM.
WE WILL REMEMBER YOU AS THE ORIGINAL HERE WHICH I JUST
ABSOLUTELY -- >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
>> YES. >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY LOVED
IT. WE WERE VERY JEALOUS BECAUSE
IPPED TO BE PAUL. THEY ACTUALLY GAVE OUT A DPLOS
RIWHEN I WENT TO SEE THIS. >> I THINK I STILL HAVE ONE
FOLDED UP IN MY ARCHIVES. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN THE
NEW ONE? >> I HAVE.
THEY HAD A SCREENING IN BRISBANE WHERE WE SHOT IT.
ALL THE SOUNDS, THE SEATS RUMBLED, IT WAS FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: THE SEATS RUMBLED? YEAH, WHEN THE SAND WORMS
COME THROUGH, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE RUMBLING SEATS, MAN.
>> Stephen: YO I'VE GOT TO GO TO A BETTER THEATER.
>> YOU HAVE TO GO TO AUSTRALIA. >> Stephen: YEAH.
I THOUGHT TIMOTHY DID A GREAT JOB.
WAS A WONDERFUL PAUL. DID REALLY GOOD.
( APPLAUSE ) I WAS FEELING VERY NOSTALGIC
WHEN HI WATCHED IT BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING SCENES I HAD DONE.
HERE WAS A I CAN'T THINK MAN. I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM,
DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN THAT BOX, NO GOOD THINGS COME FROM THAT
BOX. IT'S ONE THING, PAIN.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT. WERE PEOPLE SURPRISED TO SEE YOU
THERE? >> NO UNWITH RECOGNIZED ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE KYLE MacLACHLAN. >> I TOLD EVERYONE THAT, NO ONE
SEEMED TO CARE. IT'S AWFUL!
NO, IT'S FINE. >> Stephen: IS THAT THE FIRST
THING YOU DID WITH LYNCH? >> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT AND THEN "BLUE VELVET," OF COURSE,
TREMENDOUS. >> SO YOU CAN SEE THOSE TWO
TIM'S REALLY WORKED TOGETHER. >> Stephen: AND "TWIN PEAKS."
AND "TWIN PEAKS." >> Stephen: "TWIN PEAKS"
TWICE, THREE TIMES IF YOU COUNT THE MOVIE.
>> THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen:.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE SO MANY LEGENDS ABOUT DAVID LYNCH, SORT
OF A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, VERY MUCH HIS OWN WAY OF DOING
THINGS. >> YES.
>> Stephen: ANYTHING LEAP OUT IMMEDIATELY ABOUT WORKING WITH
DAVID LYNCH, STORIES OF FIRST ENDOUBT COUNTERING?
>> YEAH, WORKING WITH HIM ON "BLUE VELVET," NAOMI WATTS
REMINDED ME OF THIS DOING THE REBOOT, HE SAYS HE LIKES TO TALK
TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE FILMING. >> Stephen: DOING THE SCENE?
DODOING THE SCENE. THIS WAS BEFORE THE DAYS OF
MONITORS. HE WAS RIGHT UNDER THE CAMERA
WATCHING EVERYTHING. AND HE WOULD START TO TALK.
HE SAID, NOW -- AND HE ALWAYS CALLS ME KALE, THAT'S A WHOLE
OTHER STORY -- AND HE'D SAY, KALE, ALL RIGHT, LOOK AROUND AND
YOU SEE THE COFFEE CUP ON THE TABLE.
SO I'M IN CHARACTER AND I LOOK OVER.
NOW, YOU GO PICK UP THE COFFEE CUP.
YOU TAKE A SIP, AND IT'S THE WORST COFFEE YOU'VE EVER HAD.
SO YOU GO -- WHAT DO I DO NOW? THE WHOLE POINT WAS TRYING TO
MAKE ME LAUGH. >> Stephen: "BLUE VELVET" IS A
FUNNY FILM. ( LAUGHTER )
>> HILARIOUS. >> Stephen: SUBTLE AT TIMES
BUT DEEPLY DEEPLY FUNNY. >> MY INTENTION WAS TO TRY TO
MAKE HIM LAUGH FIRST SO THIS IS WHAT IT BECAME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK KYLE
WHAT THEY USED IN "JOE VS. CAROLE," OTHER THAN TIGERS,
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T USE TIGERS.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH ONE OF THE
STARS OF "JOE VS. CAROLE" ON PEACOCK, MR. KYLE MacLACHLAN.
THE NEW SHOW THAT YOU'RE DOING IS "JOE VS. CAROLE" WHICH, OF
COURSE, IS ABOUT TIGER KING AND CAROLE BASKIN AND YOU PLAY HER
HUSBAND. >> YES.
>> Stephen: REMIND THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHAT IS THE HUSBAND'S
ROLE IN ALL OF THIS? >> TO NOT GET EATEN BY THE
TIGERS. WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TIGERS.
>> Stephen: WHAT? NO TIGERS?
>> NO TIGERS WERE USED IN THE FILMING.
ALL C.G.I., SO THEY PUT THEM IN AFTERWARDS, BUT IN THE PLACE OF
TIGERS, WE HAD GREAT DANES. FEROCIOUS, MEAN, VICIOUS GREAT
DANES. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU KNOW, MY
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER TOM PURCELL ONCE FAMOUSLY SAID WHEN WE WERE
TRYING TO GET A WILDCAT INTO OUR SHOW TO DO SOMETHING SAYS, LOOK,
ANYTHING THAT COULD EAT THE ACTORS IS GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A TIGER ON THE SET.
>> I WAS VERY GRATEFUL NOT TO HAVE A TIGER ON THE SET FOR THAT
REASON, SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I DON'T WANT TO BE
THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE. >> Stephen: DID YOU WATCH THE
TIGER KING. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SUCH A PHENOMENON. RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING TO
HAVE THE WHOLE PANDEMIC. REALLY, AMAZING STORIES AND
PEOPLE DOING THINGS THAT WERE JUST OUTRAGEOUS, AND WE DECIDED
WE WERE GOING TO DRAMATIZE THAT AND TELL A LITTLE BIT DEEPER
STORY. I FEEL THEY ONLY REALLY
SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF THE CHARACTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WERE FELINE LIKE THERE
WAS MORE THERE TO EXPLORE -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- AND, YOU KNOW, WE POUNCED ON THE OPPORTUNITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
>> THANK YOU, I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE.
ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP. >> Stephen: KYLE MacLACHLAN,
LOVELY TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AS
ALWAYS. "JOE VS. CAROLE" IS AVAILABLE
NOW ON PEACOCK. KYLE MACLACHLAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ARIAN MOAYED.
>> Stephen: HEY! WOKUM BACK, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A
TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM
"SUCCESSION," "LOVE LIFE," AND "SPIDERMAN: NO WAY HOME."
HE NOW STARS IN THE NETFLIX SERIES, "INVENTING ANNA."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ARIAN MOAYED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO!
THANK YOU ALL! WOW!
LOOK AT THIS! THAT IS VERY WARM AND LOVELY.
>> Stephen: THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE. I AM, FIRST OF ALL, GRATEFUL YOU
WORE A SUIT AND A TIE. >> I SAW WHAT KYLE WAS DOING AND
I THOUGHT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT
RESPECTFUL. >> WHAT'S THAT ABILITY?
HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. >> Stephen: RIGHT.
BESIDES YOUR OTHER ACHIEVEMENTS, PEOPLE KNOW YOU AS STEWY IN
"SUCCESSION" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S STEWY. STEWY WHO IS KIND OF THIS
FRIENDLY MENACE AT THE SAME TIME, HE'S LIKE A BUDDY AND ALSO
I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT WHEN YOU TURN AROUND.
>> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: IS IT FUN TO MAKE?
BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO WATCH ALL THESE PEOPLE BEING AWFUL TO EACH
OTHER. >> IT'S EXCITING TO MAKE.
EVERYBODY ON THE SHOW IS FROM THE THEATER.
THE WAY WE SHOOT IT, WE HAVE THESE, LIKE, LONG SCENES WE DO,
LIKE LITTLE ONE ACTS, AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE AND YOU'RE JUST KIND OF BEING ON STAGE AND
GOING THESE CHARACTERS. ACTUALLY, IN THE SCENE YOU'RE
MENTIONING, RIGHT BEFORE, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TAKE -- AND WE
DIDN'T REHEARSE BEFORE IT -- RIGHT BEFORE THE FIRST TAKE, I
SAW THAT THE FIRST A.D. WAS SNIFFING SOME LAVENDER AND THE
PROPS PERSON WAS ALSO SNIFFING LAVENDER.
AND I WAS, LIKE, LET ME SMELL THAT.
AND THEY SAID, WE'RE READY TO GO.
I TOOK A SNIFF, IT WAS AMAZING. I PUT IT DOWN, THE SCENE STARTS
AND BRIAN COX IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND, RIGHT AS IT'S
HAPPENING, HE'S TELLING ME THE PITCH OF THE DEAL AND I LOOK
DOWN AND I JUST GRAB THE LAVENDER AND I SMELL IT WHILE
HE'S DOING THE SCENE! AND THEN I WAS, LIKE, WELL,
THEY'RE EVENTUALLY GOING TO TELL ME NOT TO DO THAT AND THEN TAKE
AFTER TAKE AFTER TAKE AND NOW IT'S LIKE A MEME AND I KEEP ON
SAYING, IF I KNEW SNIFFING LAVENDER WAS GOING TO BE A BIG
HIT, I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS 15 YEARS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'VE INTERVIEWED
BRIAN COX A COUPLE OF TIMES AND HE'S A VERY INTERESTING GUY, BUT
I IMAGINE ACROSS A TABLE FROM HIM, ESPECIALLY HIM PLAYING THAT
CHARACTER MIGHT BE A BIT OF AN INTIMIDATING FIGURE.
>> VERY INTIMIDATING AND, ALSO, YOU KNOW, HE'S A THEATER AND
FILM AND TV LEGEND. AND ONE TIME I HAD THIS SCENE IN
SEASON ONE WHERE I HAVE TO TELL HIM IN FRONT OF ALL THESE
AMAZING ACTORS LIKE EVERYONE FIN' HATES YOU AND THE FIRST
TAKE HAPPENS AND I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS AND HE COMES UP TO ME
AND SAYS, STOP IT, YOU'RE GREAT, JUST BE GREAT.
AND THAT COMPLETELY PUT ME AT EASE.
>> Stephen: HOW GENEROUS. HE WAS, LIKE, ANGRY BUT
GENEROUS. HE'S, LIKE, STOP IT, YOU'RE
GREAT! IT WAS FUN.
>> Stephen: YOU -- AND THIS IS A COMPLIMENT -- BUT YOU LOOK
LIKE STEWY. PEOPLE EVER JUST SEE YOU AS
STEWY? DO THEY TREAT YOU LIKE STEWY
WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN THE WORLD? >> ALL THE TIME.
NUMEROUS TIMES I'M WITH MY GIRLS AT A RESTAURANT.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY YOUNG? 13 AND 11, THEY HAVE NOT SEEN
"SUCCESSION." HOPEFULLY THEY NEVER DO.
AND THEN SOMEONE -- YOU COULD TELL, LIKE, FINANCE PERSON WALKS
RIGHT BY AND IT'S KIND OF LIKE -- AND ONE PERSON ONE TIME
WAS, LIKE, YOU WANT TO HIT THE BATHROOM AFTER THIS?
AND I'M KIND OF LIKE MY KIDS ARE HERE AND I'VE CO-FOUNDED A
NONPROFIT THEATER COMPANY. I DON'T THINK I'M THE GUY YOU
THINK I AM. >> Stephen: LET'S DO A LITTLE
BUMP. >> LET'S JUST DO A LITTLE BUMP
RIGHT HERE! >> Stephen: SO WAS IT GOOD
STUFF? >> YEAH, IT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU ARE STARRING IN "INVENTING ANNA,"
WHCH IS ABOUT THIS WOMAN. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU PLAY ANNA DELVEY'S LAWYER.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: THIS IS A
FASCINATING STORY. TELL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
IT YET WHO SHE WAS. >> SHE WAS, IS OFTEN KNOWN AS
THE SOHO GRIFTER, AND SHE WAS THIS FAKE GERMAN HEIRESS WHO
SWINDLED A BUNCH OF ELITE NEW YORKERS AND I REPRESENT HER
IN A COURT OF LAW. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE
ACTUAL CRIMES SHE WAS ACCUSED OF?
>> THE CRIMES, THERE WERE TWELVE CRIMES SHE WAS ACCUSED OF.
THAT'S A NICE NUMBER. >> Stephen: YEAH.
BUT MY CHARACTER PLAYED BY ME -D SPODUK, THE ACTUAL HUMAN BEING,
GOT HER OFF ON FOUR OF THOSE TWELVE CHARGES, SO HE DID A
REALLY GOOD JOB. BUT THE CHARGES WERE, YOU KNOW,
STEALING FROM A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND PLACES AND
ORGANIZATIONS. >> Stephen: AND DID SHE CHANGE
HER IDENTITY AS SHE WENT ALONG OR JUST ALWAYS THIS ONE GERMAN
FAKE HEIRESS? >> SHE WAS A COMPLETELYIAN THAT
CAN GO INTO A ROOM AND SHE'S -- CHAMELEON WHO CAN GO INTO A ROOM
AND BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. >> Stephen: HAVE YOUR 11 AND
13-YEAR-OLD SEEN "INVENTING ANNA."
>> THEY'VE SEEN IT AD NAUSEAM, BIG TEAM ANNA FANS.
THEY'RE USUALLY NOT IMPRESSED BY IT, BUT I WAS IN "SPIDER-MAN"
AND FOR A DAY I WAS THE COOLEST GUY.
>> Stephen: IT MUST BE THE COOLEST THING FOR THEIR DAD TO
BE IN THE BIGGEST MOVIE EVER. >> YEAH, THE NEXT DAY THEY WERE,
LIKE, YOUR PART WAS KIND OF SMALL.
I WAS, LIKE, JUST GO TO YOUR ROOM!
>> Stephen: SOMETHING ON A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SUBJECT.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOUR FAMILY WAS
FROM IRAN AND THEY LEFT THE IRANIAN REVOLUTION IN 189 # 79.
COMING FROM A FAMILY THAT HAD TO MAKE A NEW LIFE AFTER BEING
DISPLACED BY A CRISIS IN THEIR HOME COUNTRY, WHETHER THAT GIVES
YOU A PARTICULAR VIEW OF WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE TRAGEDY IN
UKRAINE. >> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY, IT'S THE
BRAVERY THAT WE ARE ALL WATCHING OF THESE MEN AND WOMEN WHO
WORKED IN I.T. AND MARKETING DEPARTMENTS THAT ARE NOW
DEFENDING THEIR HOMELAND IS KIND OF SO INCREDIBLE TO WATCH, AND
WE APPLAUD THEM. AND I OFTENTIMES THINK, YOU
KNOW, THAT HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY.
MY FAMILY LEFT IRAN, AND WE WERE THEN INVADED BY IRAQ, AND MY
BROTHER FOUGHT IN THE IRAN-IRAQ WAR, AND THOSE STORIES, AND THEN
WE'RE ALSO JUST PEOPLE. AS MUCH AS I AM PRAYING FOR THE
UKRAINIANS, I'M PRAYING FOR AN OPPORTUNITY THAT WE GET TO
EMPATHIZE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THESE WAR-TORN
SITUATIONS. >> Stephen: ARIAN, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: "INVENTING ANNA" IS ON NETFLIX NOW.
ARIAN MOYED, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> STEPHEN: HERE PERFORMING HIS SINGLE, "DIET COKE," PUSHA T!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ YESTERDAY'S PRICE
IS NOT TODAY'S PRICE ♪ LIKE, LIKE—LIKE,
CRACK—CRACK, ♪ LIKE, LIKE
LIKE, LI—LI—CRACK, ♪ CRACK, CRACK
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IMAGINARY PLAYERS
AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT ♪ MASTER RECIPES
UNDER STOVE LIGHTS ♪ THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY
IS THE QUOTE PRICE ♪ YOU ORDERED DIET COKE,
THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? ♪ EVERYBODY GET IT OFF THE BOAT,
RIGHT? ♪ BUT ONLY I CAN REALLY
HAVE A SNOW FIGHT ♪ DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE,
WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE? ♪ IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER,
STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE ♪ MISSY WAS OUR ONLY MISDEMEANOR
MY TUNNEL VISION'S BETTER ♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS
YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, ♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
MY WORKERS COMPENSATED ♪ SO THEY DON'T STRIKE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WISH ME LUCK,
SEE GREEN LIKE ♪ DON BISHOP
THE ONES YOU TRUST ♪ STILL CHANGE
LIKE THEM CHAINS YOU TUCK ♪ FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
WHO'S THE BEST? ♪ ME AND YEZOS
WASH, THEN DRY, ♪ SO GIVE ME
ALL OF MINE IN PESOS ♪ ADD IT UP (ADD IT UP)
YOUR IN THEM PICTURES ♪ BUT THEY LAZER TAGGIN' US
THEY MAD AT US, ♪ WHO WOULDN'T BE?
WE BECAME EVERYTHING ♪ YOU COULDN'T BE
EVERYTHING YOUR MAMA ♪ SAID YOU SHOULDN'T BE
THE PORSCHE'S HORSES REVVIN', ♪ LIKE, "LOOK AT ME"
SADDLE UP I'M STILL PITCHIN', ♪ BABY, BATTER UP
IMAGINARY PLAYERS ♪ AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT
MASTER RECIPES ♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS
THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY ♪ IS THE QUOTE PRICE
YOU ORDERED DIET COKE, ♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
♪ OFF THE BOAT, RIGHT? BUT ONLY I
♪ CAN REALLY HAVE A SNOW FIGHT DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE,
♪ WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE? IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER,
♪ STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THE FLOW'S UNTOUCHED, THE DRUMS IS TUCKED
♪ DRIVE CULLINAN WHEN ROADS GET ROUGH
♪ SNOW'S A MUST, THE NOSE ADJUST
♪ YOUNG Gs LIKE WE H.O.V. AND PUFF BEST JEWELRIES
♪ AND HOES WE LUST CHANEL TRINKETS
♪ AND HOES'LL BLUSH CRUSH HEARTS LIKE
♪ PRETTY BOYS AND WE DRIVIN'
♪ PRETTY TOYS EXTENDOS WILL MAKE
♪ PLENTY NOISE CRESCENDO MAKE YOUR CAR ENDO
♪ PIERCE YOUR CAR WINDOW MISSY WAS OUR ONLY MISDEMEANOR
♪ NIKE BOX HOLD A HUNDRED THOU' WITH NO INSOLES, UH
♪ THE CRACK ERA WAS SUCH A BLACK ERA
♪ HOW MANY STILL STANDIN' REFLECTIN' IN THAT MIRROR?
♪ LUCKY ME IMAGINARY PLAYERS
♪ AIN'T BEEN COACHED RIGHT MASTER RECIPES
♪ UNDER STOVE LIGHTS THE NUMBER ON THIS JERSEY
♪ IS THE QUOTE PRICE YOU ORDERED DIET COKE,
♪ THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? ♪ GET IT OFF THE BOAT, RIGHT?
BUT ONLY I CAN REALLY ♪ HAVE A SNOW FIGHT
DETROIT [NO AUDIO] CHALLENGE, ♪ WHAT'S YOUR DOPE LIKE?
IF YOUR BENZ BIGGER, ♪ STEP IT UP TO GHOST LIFE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: PUSHA T, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.