1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,870 >> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP, 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,939 CALLING PUTIN A GENIUS RIGHT NOW. 3 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:02,529 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 4 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,597 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT: 5 00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:20,947 AND COMEDIAN RUSSELL HOWARD. 6 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:24,717 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 7 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:25,952 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 8 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,021 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 9 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:49,442 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS 10 00:01:49,509 --> 00:02:00,854 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STEPHEN! 11 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:01,955 >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY. 12 00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:07,994 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, FOLKS. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 13 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:12,765 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 14 00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:17,103 BETWEEN RUSSIA AND UKRAINE, AS VLADIMIR PUTIN CONTINUES HIS 15 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:21,975 NAKED AGGRESSION. NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP. 16 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,777 IS ( LAUGHTER ) 17 00:02:24,844 --> 00:02:29,482 THE BORDER FOR MONTHS, AND RUSSIAN OFFICIALS, LIKE SERGEY 18 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:33,286 LAVROV AND TUCKER CARLSON, HAVE BEEN SAYING, "IT'S JUST A 19 00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,888 MILITARY EXERCISE." AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS 20 00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,723 BEEN WARNING, "THAT'S ALL LIES. 21 00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:45,064 NOBODY MASSES THREE-QUARTERS OF THEIR STANDING ARMY ON THE 22 00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:47,000 BORDER OF A COUNTRY THEY SAID DOESN'T EXIST AND THEN DOESN'T 23 00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:49,168 INVADE." AND TONIGHT, YOU REALLY GET A 24 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:53,473 VIBE RIGHT NOW THAT THE BORSCHT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE 25 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:57,410 FAN. SO DON'T FORGET, AFTER THE SHOW, 26 00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,012 STICK AROUND FOR "RYAN SEACREST'S ROCKIN' WORLD WAR III 27 00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:00,179 EVE." HERE'S WHAT'S TRANSPIRED IN THE 28 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,481 LAST 24 HOURS. IMMEDIATELY AFTER PUTIN 29 00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:04,551 UNILATERALLY DECLARED THAT TWO BREAKAWAY UKRAINIAN PROVINCES 30 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:06,753 WERE NOW INDEPENDENT NATIONS, THE RUSSIAN MILITARY MOVED INTO 31 00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:12,525 DONETSK. THAT IS SHOCKING. 32 00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:13,660 1,490 RUBLES FOR AN IRON?! ( LAUGHTER ) 33 00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:19,933 KOPEKS. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING, 34 00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,769 BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S. WARNED THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT THAT 35 00:03:22,835 --> 00:03:25,939 THE LATEST INTELLIGENCE POINTS TO A FULL-SCALE RUSSIAN INVASION 36 00:03:26,005 --> 00:03:29,142 IMMINENTLY. THEIR FIRST CLUE? 37 00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:30,777 THE 190,000 TROOPS WITH THE BANG-BANG STICKS AND THE 38 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,713 ALL-STEEL SHOOT-MOBILES. ( LAUGHTER ) 39 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:41,154 THAT WARNING COURTESY OF THE U.S. STATE DUH-PARTMENT. 40 00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:43,923 SURE ENOUGH, THIS AFTERNOON WE LEARNED THAT RUSSIA MOVED NEARLY 41 00:03:43,990 --> 00:03:49,929 100% OF ITS TROOPS INTO INVASION-READY POSITION. 42 00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:51,931 OF COURSE, WE CAN SEE ALL THIS WITH OUR SATELLITES. 43 00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:57,670 NO ONE DOESN'T SEE WHAT'S COMING. 44 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:58,938 BUT THE KREMLIN HAS CLAIMED THAT REBEL LEADERS IN EASTERN UKRAINE 45 00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,940 HAVE ASKED RUSSIA FOR MILITARY HELP TO FEND OFF UKRAINIAN 46 00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:02,408 AGGRESSION. YES, THEY SAY UKRAINE IS THE 47 00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:06,512 AGGRESSOR, JUST LIKE TOKYO WAS ASKING FOR IT BY TAUNTING 48 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,914 GODZILLA. ( LAUGHTER ) 49 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:14,621 ZELENSKY DECLARED A 30-DAY STATE OF EMERGENCY, CALLING UP ALL 50 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:19,926 MILITARY RESERVISTS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 60. 51 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:25,932 WOW. 18 AND 60. 52 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,902 AS A 57-YEAR-OLD MYSELF, LET ME JUST SAY I'M FLATTERED, BUT 53 00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:34,574 REALLY? THERE'S A REASON I DON'T RUN OUT 54 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:39,178 HERE ANYMORE, BECAUSE RIGHT AROUND HERE, MY SUPPLY LINES 55 00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:43,049 START TO BREAK DOWN. A PLATOON OF 60-YEAR-OLDS MAKES 56 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:49,922 NO SENSE. THE RUSSIANS WILL HEAR OUR KNEES 57 00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,291 POPPING FROM A MILE AWAY ( APPLAUSE ) 58 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:58,264 THEY'RE GONNA KEEP LEAVING THE BATTLEFIELD TO PEE, AND WHERE 59 00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:01,234 ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLUG IN THEIR WATER PICS AND CPAP 60 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,468 MACHINES? ( LAUGHTER ) 61 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:11,010 DO THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY TENTS EVEN HAVE WALK-IN BATH TUBS. 62 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:12,879 ALSO, THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT WILL NOW ALLOW ORDINARY 63 00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:14,213 CIVILIANS TO CARRY FIREARMS. THAT'S RIGHT. 64 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,650 THE SITUATION IS SO DIRE-- UKRAINE HAS BECOME TEXAS. 65 00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:18,651 IS ( LAUGHTER ) 66 00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:23,823 PRESIDENT BIDEN-- TEXAS! DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE. 67 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:28,928 YOU DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE. PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS ALREADY 68 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,931 STARTED MAKING PUTIN PAY FOR HIS INVASION IMPOSING SANCTIONS 69 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,767 ON TWO OF RUSSIA'S MOST PROMINENT BANKS. 70 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,470 AND ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE, TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS 71 00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:38,971 SANCTIONING THE SONS OF TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS. 72 00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,773 IF HE'S GOING AFTER THE CHILDREN OF PUTIN'S CRONIES, CAN I 73 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:46,946 SUGGEST A COUPLE? ( LAUGHTER ) 74 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:51,284 I WOULD LOVE IT. THAT'S RIGHT. 75 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,352 PERSONALLY-- >> Jon: THERE THEY GO. 76 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,588 THERE THEY GO. >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE IT, 77 00:05:55,655 --> 00:06:01,127 ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER. RUSSIA'S ACTING NONCHALANT. 78 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:05,264 THEIR AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S. TWEETED, "IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE 79 00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:08,234 THAT SOMEONE IN #WASHINGTON IS COUNTING ON-- RUSSIAN FLAG 80 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,803 EMOJI-- TO REVISE ITS FOREIGN POLICY UNDER THE THREAT OF 81 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,371 SANCTIONS. I DON'T REMEMBER A SINGLE DAY 82 00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:14,774 WHEN OUR COUNTRY LIVED WITHOUT ANY RESTRICTIONS FROM THE 83 00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:18,344 WESTERN WORLD." "SANCTIONS, SHMANCTIONS. 84 00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:20,246 GREAT RUSSIAN PEOPLE LOVE SUFFERING. 85 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,849 WE DON'T NEED DECADENT WESTERN APPLE PHONE. 86 00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:26,185 I TYPE THIS TWEET ON ACTUAL POTATO PHONE. 87 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:32,225 ( LAUGHTER ) IT IS MY FRIEND THE DICTATOR. 88 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,927 I KID. I KID. 89 00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:38,931 THERE IS NO ONE THERE. IS POTATO." 90 00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:44,237 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME PEOPLE-- 91 00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:50,943 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTED 92 00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:53,346 THAT THE SANCTIONS WEREN'T HARSHER. 93 00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:56,249 UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTER TWEETED, "TO STOP PUTIN FROM 94 00:06:56,315 --> 00:07:01,654 FURTHER AGGRESSION, WE CALL ON PARTNERS TO IMPOSE MORE 95 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:02,889 SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA NOW. FIRST, DECISIVE STEPS WERE TAKEN 96 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:04,590 YESTERDAY, AND WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR THEM. 97 00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:09,195 NOW THE PRESSURE NEEDS TO STEP UP TO STOP PUTIN. 98 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,930 HIT HIS ECONOMY AND CRONIES. HIT MORE. 99 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:14,934 HIT HARD. HIT NOW. 100 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,202 IS THIS GUY A FOREIGN MINISTER OR KIEV'S MORNING D.J.? 101 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,103 "HIT MORE. HIT HARD. 102 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:22,608 AND KEEP THOSE HITS COMING! 103 00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:23,843 HITS FROM THE 80s, 90s, AND TODAY! 104 00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,511 UP NEXT, IT'S A ZEPPELIN ROCK BLOCK ON SANCTIONS AT 7! 105 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,280 YOU'RE LISTENING TO WUKR WITH CRAZY DIMITRI AND THE BEAR! 106 00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:31,284 RAWR!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 107 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:37,490 I JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY ♪ 108 00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:42,929 THE U.S. ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SANCTIONS DIDN'T GO AS FAR AS 109 00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:46,165 THEY COULD HAVE GONE, BUT THIS IS JUST THE FIRST TRANCHE. 110 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,000 IF PUTIN ESCALATES HIS AGGRESSION, THE ADMINISTRATION 111 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,569 IS CONSIDERING FAR STIFFER PENALTIES, INCLUDING BLOCKING 112 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,738 RUSSIA FROM ACCESS TO THE U.S. DOLLAR. 113 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,408 OH, REALLY? BET YOU'D LIKE TO GET YOUR HANDS 114 00:07:55,474 --> 00:08:00,713 ON THIS, WOULDN'T YOU, VLAD? WANT ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY 115 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,449 FRIEND GEORGE? MMM, SMELLS LIKE WOODEN TOOTH. 116 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:05,518 MMM. ( LAUGHTER ) 117 00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:14,227 SHAKE IT UP FOR DADDY, VLADDY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 118 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:18,931 JUMP ON THE SANCTION BUS, INCLUDING CANADA, JAPAN, AND 119 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:23,536 AUSTRALIA. OH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH 120 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:26,239 THE AUSSIES, BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA SEND THIS GUY. 121 00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:31,377 ( LAUGHTER ) THE KANGAROO-- 122 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:39,785 >> Jon: MAN, COME ON, MAN >> Stephen: SO IT LOOKS LIKE 123 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,053 PUTIN'S GONNA START A DEADLY GROUND WAR THAT WILL TRIGGER 124 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,923 STEEP SANCTIONS, AND NO DOUBT CAUSE PAIN FOR THE RUSSIAN 125 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,491 PEOPLE. SO WHY IS HE DOING IT? 126 00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:50,029 SOME ANALYSTS THINK HE'S GOT COVID-INDUCED PARANOIA. 127 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,264 AND I GET IT. I MEAN, AT ONE POINT, AT THE 128 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:54,734 HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC, I STARTED TO THINK THAT EVIE HAD 129 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,335 WATCHED THE NEXT EPISODE OF "BRIDGERTON" WITHOUT ME, AND I 130 00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:59,272 FIRED HEAVY ARTILLERY INTO THE BREAKFAST NOOK. 131 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:10,950 ( LAUGHTER ) STANDS IN SOLIDARITY OPPOSING 132 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:14,220 PUTIN WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF THE REPUBLICAN 133 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,554 PARTY, ESPECIALLY THEIR DEAR LEADER, FORMER PRESIDENT SUPER 134 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,124 CALLOUS FRAGILE RACIST SEXIST NAZI POTUS. 135 00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,126 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO. 136 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:28,601 I'LL TAKE IT. >> Jon: MARY POPPIN'S FANS. 137 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:34,941 >> Stephen: YESTERDAY, HE WAS THE FOURTH CALLER ON SOME RADIO 138 00:09:35,007 --> 00:09:36,709 SHOW, AND HE WAXED AUTOCRATIC ABOUT THE RUSSIAN LEADER: 139 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:37,977 >> I WENT IN YESTERDAY, AND THERE WAS A TELEVISION SCREEN, 140 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,145 AND I SAID, "THIS IS GENIUS." >> Stephen: YES, HE COULDN'T 141 00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:42,949 BELIEVE IT: HOW DO THEY GET THE PEOPLE IN THERE? 142 00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:45,918 ( LAUGHTER ) IS. 143 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:49,722 >> PUTIN DECLARES IT AS INDEPENDENT. 144 00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:53,926 IT THAT'S WONDERFUL. SO PUTIN IS SAYING IT'S 145 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,928 INDEPENDENT, A LARGE SECTION OF 146 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,029 UKRAINE. I SAID HOW SMART IS THAT HAD? 147 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,932 >> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN A PRESIDENT CHEER ON THE 148 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,935 RUSSIANS THIS HARD SINCE THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WHEN 149 00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:07,940 EISENHOWER WORE THE T-SHIRT, "KHRUSHCHEV IS A ZADDY!" 150 00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:08,941 THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADMIRATION TOK AN EVEN STRANGER 151 00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:16,949 TURN: >> AND HE'S GONNA GO IN AND BE A 152 00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:17,984 FORCE. WE COULD USE THAT ON OUR 153 00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:23,956 SOUTHERN BORDER. >> Stephen: SO, HE WANTS MOSCOW 154 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:27,093 TO INVADE MEXICO? "OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN. 155 00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:29,962 LET'S GAS UP THE TANKS AND GO ANNEX CANCUN. 156 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,130 I'M GOING TO RENAME IT 'COMRADE FROG'S.' 157 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:34,000 SHOTS! SHOTS! 158 00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:36,902 SHOTS! START FIRING THE SHOTS!" 159 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,070 IN OTHER-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 160 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:46,012 SURE. IN OTHER ALARMING NEWS, FLORIDA, 161 00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:49,281 WHERE THE G.O.P. HAS ADVANCED ITS "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL IN 162 00:10:49,348 --> 00:10:53,919 THE HOUSE. ( AUDIENCE BOOS ) 163 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,789 FLORIDA'S L.G.B.T.Q. COMMUNITY, AND ITS KARAOKE BARS. 164 00:10:56,856 --> 00:11:01,293 ( AS EMCEE ) 'SEXUAL HEALING' BY MARVIN 165 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,463 REDACTED." ( LAUGHTER ) 166 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:09,802 THIS BILL, WHICH THE REPUBLICANS CALL THE "PARENTAL RIGHTS IN 167 00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:13,305 EDUCATION" BILL, STIPULATES THAT CLASSROOM INSTRUCTION ON SEXUAL 168 00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:17,843 ORIENTATION OR GENDER IDENTITY MAY NOT OCCUR IN KINDERGARTEN 169 00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:19,145 THROUGH THIRD GRADE. NOT MENTIONING GENDER IDENTITY 170 00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:20,946 COULD MAKE IT HARD TO START CLASS: 171 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:25,284 "GOOD MORNING, BOYS AND GIRLS... AAAND I'M FIRED." 172 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:29,622 ( LAUGHTER ) OF FOURTH GRADE IS GONNA GET 173 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:32,958 SUPER INTERESTING: "ALL RIGHT. BRANDON, SHUT THE 174 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,961 DOOR. THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA COOL STUFF 175 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:39,231 WE'VE BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 176 00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:44,670 OR I'M-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 177 00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:47,973 THAT'S GOOD. THIS BILL WOULD ALSO GIVE 178 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,944 PARENTS THE POWER TO SUE VIOLATORS. 179 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:57,850 I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, PARENTS, BUT WHOEVER'S TRYING TO 180 00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:02,321 SUE A TEACHER IS GOING TO BE SUPER DISAPPOINTED. 181 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,522 "I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE GOT! 182 00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:05,624 I'M TAKING YOUR STUBBY GLUE STICKS AND EVERY LAST ONE OF 183 00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:06,926 YOUR COPIES OF "RED BADGE OF COURAGE" THAT YOU HAD TO BUY 184 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,494 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 185 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,230 MY GUESTS ARE THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS." 186 00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:17,937 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S 187 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,005 "ROMAN-SPLAINING." ♪ ♪ ♪ 188 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:15,861 ( APPLAUSE ) SAY HELLO TO JON BATTISTE AND 189 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:17,062 ( APPLAUSE ) SAY HELLO TO JON BATTISTE AND 190 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:20,933 STAY HUMAN, WON'T YOU PLEASE? WON'T YOU PLEASE, FRIEND? 191 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:25,604 FOR MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS." 192 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:30,242 WE CAN JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, AND JENNIFER 193 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,377 PALMIERI. WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S 194 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:33,646 HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, IN POLITICS HERE AND AROUND THE 195 00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:35,314 WORLD. AWARD-WINNING SHOW, IT IS. 196 00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,783 YOU KNOW IT IS AN AWARD WINNING SHOW? 197 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:40,152 YOU ANSWERED? ARE THEY-- IT'S GOT TO BE. 198 00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:43,055 ( APPLAUSE ) THEY'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AWARDS. 199 00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:45,257 THEY'RE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE ARE. 200 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,694 THEY'RE ON SHOWTIME. ISN'T THAT FANCIER? 201 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:53,299 A VERY FANCY GROUP OF PEOPLE COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A 202 00:13:53,365 --> 00:13:55,401 MOMENT. IS FOLKS, I LOVE A LOT OF 203 00:13:55,467 --> 00:14:01,840 THINGS, BUT MOST OF ALL, I LOVE LOVE. 204 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:02,775 3 AND I LOVE THAT I LOVE IT. 205 00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:04,043 EVEN THE WORD. THE "L," THE "O," THE "V," AND 206 00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:05,211 SEXIEST OF THEM ALL, THAT SILENT "E." 207 00:14:05,277 --> 00:14:09,982 WHO IS SHE? WHAT'S SHE HIDING? 208 00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:13,919 WHAT ISN'T SHE SAYING? AND YOU SINGLES ALREADY KNOW 209 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,621 THAT DATING APPS HAVE DOMINATED THE SCENE FOR ALMOST A DECADE, 210 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:19,058 BUT PEOPLE ARE SOURING ON THEM, BECAUSE WORD ON THE STREET IS 211 00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:21,560 THAT GEN Z IS READY TO BREAK UP WITH TINDER. 212 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:25,231 THAT'S RIGHT, TINDER IS CHEUGY HIGH-KEY SUS NO CAP, FAM. 213 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,499 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO 214 00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:32,037 YOU WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS. WITH TINDER ON THE DECLINE, 215 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:34,473 THERE'S A SLEW OF NEW DATING APPS FILLING THE VOID. 216 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:39,211 AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM IN MY LOVERLY SEGMENT: 217 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:44,183 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> ROMAN-SPLAINING WITH 218 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:48,287 STEPHEN COLBERT. DATING APPS EDITION. 219 00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:55,027 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) APP GAP IS "SNACK," WHICH 220 00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:59,665 DESCRIBES ITSELF AS "NOT YOUR PARENTS' DATING APP." 221 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,602 THAT IS GREAT NEWS, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO ACCIDENTALLY MATCH 222 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:07,239 WITH THEIR MOM: "WOW, THIS ONE SEEMS REALLY 223 00:15:07,306 --> 00:15:08,307 GREAT. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON-- SAME 224 00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:15,648 HOMETOWN, SAME LAST NAME-- OH, MY GOD!" 225 00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:17,349 NEXT UP IN THE LOVE MACHINES IS THE ACTUAL NEW APP "SCHMOOZE," 226 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:20,286 WHICH WILL SHOW YOU MEMES TO EVALUATE WHAT KIND OF HUMOR YOU 227 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:23,889 LIKE. AT THAT POINT, YOU'LL RECEIVE A 228 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:32,364 "HASHTAG MATCH-REC" WITH SOMEONE WHOSE HUMOR ALLEGEDLY MATCHES 229 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:36,201 YOURS, THE THEORY HERE BEING IF YOU SHARE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, 230 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:39,638 YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO FIND THEM SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE. 231 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:43,676 FOR INSTANCE, YOU HERE LAUGHED AT MANY OF MY JOKES IN THE 232 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:44,777 MONOLOGUE, AND THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO SHOOT ME FROM THE 233 00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:48,314 WAIST UP. EVEN-- 234 00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:56,288 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT NOW. 235 00:15:56,355 --> 00:16:00,292 ( LAUGHTER ) TRYING TO UP THEIR GAME, BECAUSE 236 00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:04,296 BUMBLE HAS ACQUIRED THE GEN Z DATING APP "FRUITZ," WHERE USERS 237 00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:07,333 CAN SPECIFY THEIR PREFERENCES FOR WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP 238 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,335 THEY WISH TO FIND. IF THEY POST A WATERMELON, 239 00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:12,304 THEY'RE LOOKING FOR "FRIEND WITH BENEFITS." 240 00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:18,811 A CHERRY MEANS THEY WANT A SERIOUS, LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP. 241 00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:20,479 GRAPE INDICATES THEY WANT TO MEET SOMEONE OVER A DRINK. 242 00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:24,283 AND FOR SOME REASON, ON FRUITZ THE PEACH MEANS THAT THEY'RE 243 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:27,920 ONLY INTERESTED IN KISSING. ( LAUGHTER ) 244 00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:34,727 THOUGH, I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, IT DOESN'T SAY WHAT YOU'RE 245 00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:39,631 KISSING.Y ( LAUGHTER ) 246 00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:46,171 SOON ALSO OFFER A NICE TOSSED SALAD WITH EGGPLANT, THEN RUN 247 00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:51,610 THROUGH YOUR SPRINKLER. CLEARLY, CLEARLY, IT'S THE WILD 248 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,278 WEST OF DATING APPORTUNITIES OUT THERE. 249 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,649 AND PAPA WANTS TO GET HIS PEACH WET. 250 00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,285 WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW LINE OF 251 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,288 COLBERT-PROPRIETARY DATING APPS, EACH WITH A COOL NEW GIMMICK 252 00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:06,058 GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SAY: "ALL RIGHT." 253 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,293 FIRST UP, IF YOU ENJOYED FRUITZ, WHY NOT TRY ITS SISTER APP, 254 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,897 "VEGETABLEZ." VEGETABLEZ IS THE APP WITH ITS 255 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:14,233 OWN HYPER-SPECIFIC SEXUAL EMOJI CODES. 256 00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:18,370 FOR INSTANCE, BROCCOLI MEANS YOU LIKE IT ROUGHAGE. 257 00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:23,575 ( LAUGHTER ) MIGHT TRY "REX," WHICH ACTUALLY 258 00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:25,210 IS YOUR PARENTS' DATING APP. IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO IS 259 00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:27,746 FLEEING A PROPHESY OF PATRICIDE, SOLVES THE SPHINX'S RIDDLE, 260 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:31,083 ACCIDENTALLY SLEEPS WITH THEIR MOM, THEN GOUGES OUT THEIR EYES 261 00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:32,484 IN DESPAIR. ( LAUGHTER ) 262 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:39,658 FOR LOVE BUT FIND THE PANTRY IS BARE, WHY NOT ORDER OUT BY 263 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,361 VISITING GRUB-HUMP? THAT'S WHERE WE SEND YOU YOUR 264 00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:48,967 FAVORITE MEAL, AND YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY MATCHED WITH 265 00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:50,936 YOUR DELIVERY DRIVER BECAUSE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 266 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:57,643 SEEMS NICE. SEEMS NICE. 267 00:17:57,709 --> 00:17:59,878 BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE THE MAN WHO KNOWS THAT ALL 268 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:05,884 THREE OF THOSE SESAME CHICKENS ARE REALLY FOR YOU. 269 00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:06,985 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE 270 00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:09,054 CIRCUS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 271 00:18:39,985 --> 00:18:54,833 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. JOINING ME NOW ARE THE HOSTS OF 272 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,034 SHOWTIME'S POLITICAL DOCUSERIES, "THE CIRCUS." 273 00:18:56,101 --> 00:18:56,768 PLEASE WELCOME JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, AND JENNIFER 274 00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:57,703 PALMIERI, EVERYBODY! ♪ ♪ ♪ 275 00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:08,146 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME, Y'ALL. 276 00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,817 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME, Y'ALL. 277 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,786 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: JENNIFER, LOVELY 278 00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:16,321 TO HAVE YOU ON. >> GREAT TO BE HERE. 279 00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:20,392 >> Stephen: LISTEN, YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE WORKED FOR 280 00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:25,097 PRESIDENTS, REPORTED ON PRESIDENTS. 281 00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:30,869 RUSSIA, THIS INVASION OF UKRAINE IS A BIG TEST FOR THE PRESIDENT, 282 00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:32,871 ESPECIALLY JUST AFTER THEIR FIRST YEAR STARTED HERE. 283 00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:36,675 THIS FEELS A LITTLE BIT LIKE THE OLD DAYS WHEN I WAS A KID AND 284 00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:42,781 BRESH 97 WOULD SEND OUT ANDRE GRAMEKO TO TALK ABOUT WHICHEVER 285 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,117 WAY THE RUSSIAN BEAR WAS POKING THE EAGLE THIS TIME. 286 00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:51,390 A NEW PRESIDENT WOULD ALWAYS BE TESTED TO SEE WHAT THEIR 287 00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:54,192 REACTION IS TO SOVIET AGGRESSION. 288 00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:56,895 DOES THIS HAVE AN ECHO FOR YOU? >> I WAS THINKING BACK WHEN WE 289 00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:59,831 WERE ON YOUR SHOW BEFORE, THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ON, WE 290 00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,434 ANNOUNCED THE RESULTS WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP BECAME 291 00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:03,335 PRESIDENT. >> Stephen: I REMEMBER. 292 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,571 I TRIED TO FORGET IT, BUT I-- >> I KNOW. 293 00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:08,473 THE LAST TIME WAS THE WEEK OF THE INSURRECTION. 294 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,443 NOW, THIS WEEK WE'RE ON WHEN UKRAINE IS INVADED. 295 00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:15,781 NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CALL US... BUT, YES, THIS IS THE BIGGEST 296 00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,317 TEST, OBVIOUSLY, OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY. 297 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,053 AND SOME WOULD ARGUE THIS IS WHAT HE'S BUILT FOR, GIVEN HIS 298 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,188 BACKGROUND AS AN INTERNATIONALIST, AS SOMEBODY 299 00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:26,992 WHO BUILDS ALLIANCES. I MEAN, THE THING THAT'S 300 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,729 INTERESTING TO THINK ABOUT THE SCENARIO RIGHT NOW IS WHAT WOULD 301 00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:33,599 BE HAPPENING IF PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW WHO IS 302 00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:37,269 SUCH A PUTIN FAN. WE WOULD PROBABLY WITH THE 303 00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:38,604 OCCUPATION FORCE S. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 304 00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:42,841 OF THE CASE HE'S MADE SO FAR. BIDEN HAS ADDRESSED THE COUNTRY 305 00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,877 A COUPLE OF TIMES, AND HE PUT IN A COUPLE OF TRANCHES OF 306 00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:49,648 SANCTIONS AND THERE ARE BIGGER ONES COMING DOWN THE PIKE. 307 00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:52,417 HE HAS TO MAKE THE CASE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, EVEN THOUGH 308 00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:55,087 WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEND IN TROOPS, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT 309 00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:57,522 GOING TO FIRE BULLETS, UKRAINE MATTERS. 310 00:20:57,589 --> 00:21:01,893 >> AS WE SIT REAR RIGHT NOW-- FIRST OF ALL, THE INVASION HAS 311 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:10,469 ALREADY STARTED. THE FULL SCALE INVASION SEEMS 312 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,837 IMMINENT. IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS IN KYIV THE 313 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:13,105 NEXT WEEK, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DEAD. 314 00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:15,374 YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LARGEST LAND WAR IN EUROPE SINCE WORLD 315 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,143 WAR II. IT'S LIKE A WORLD HISTORICAL 316 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,579 EVENT. AND I WOULD SAY THAT UP UNTIL 317 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:24,783 THIS MOMENT, PEOPLE THINK BIDEN HAS DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB IN 318 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:28,186 THE CONTEXT OF DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT A MAD MAN BUT 319 00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:32,524 SOMEONE WHO IS NOT AMENABLE TO NORMAL FORMS OF DIPLOMATIC 320 00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,459 PRESSURE AND PERSUASION. NOBODY IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW 321 00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:35,861 WANTS THERE TO BE AMERICAN TROOPS THERE. 322 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:38,363 THE NOTION THAT SANCTIONS ARE THE BEST TOOL WE HAVE AND WE'RE 323 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:40,232 GOING TO KEEP RATCHETING THEM UP. 324 00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:42,034 HOW DO YOU KEEP THE ALLIES TOGETHER? 325 00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:44,569 HE'S DONE THAT SO FAR. NATO HAS BEEN STEADFAST. 326 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:48,740 HE'S KEPT THAT UNITY OF PURPOSE THAT PUTIN DOUBTED. 327 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:51,510 >> JEN, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE GIVE THE MOUSE A COOKIE ASPECT 328 00:21:51,576 --> 00:21:55,447 OF THIS. YOU YOU WERE WORKING AT THE 329 00:21:55,514 --> 00:21:59,951 WHITE HOUSE WHEN PUTIN SEIZED CRIMEA, WITHOUT LOSING A MAN, BY 330 00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:02,354 THE WAY. IT SWEPT OVER CRIMEA. 331 00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:05,557 WHAT IS IT LIKE INTERNALLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE DEAL WITH PUTIN 332 00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:12,931 WHEN HE'S ON A WAR FOOTING. >> THAT WAS FEBRUARY OF 2014, TO 333 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:16,134 SORT OF PLACE EVERYONE. AND IT WAS STUNNING AND SURREAL 334 00:22:16,201 --> 00:22:18,937 BECAUSE YOU THINK-- YOU KNOW, I THINK AT THE TIME WE PROBABLY, 335 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:22,474 IN RETROSPECT, UNDERESTIMATED WHAT PUTIN'S AMBITIONS REALLY 336 00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,508 WERE. BECAUSE WE THOUGHT HE WAS ACTING 337 00:22:23,575 --> 00:22:26,945 AS A RATIONAL BEING. AND YOU JUST DID NOT-- WE DID 338 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,547 NOT THINK HE WOULD REALLY DO THIS. 339 00:22:28,613 --> 00:22:33,285 IS HE REALLY GOING TO BE-- IT IS HE REALLY GOING TO ANNEX A 340 00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:36,221 COUNTRY FOR THE FIRST TIME, AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY, FOR THE 341 00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:40,292 FIRST TIME SINCE WORLD WAR II? LIKE, WILL HE REALLY BE THAT 342 00:22:40,358 --> 00:22:43,495 IRRATIONAL? , AND I ALSO REMEMBER AT THE 343 00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:45,997 TIME, IT'S AFGHANISTAN, IT'S SYRIA, ALL THESE OTHER THINGS 344 00:22:46,064 --> 00:22:49,568 HAPPENING IN FOREIGN POLICY. SO I DON'T THINK THAT WE 345 00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:51,536 APPRECIATED WHAT HE WAS WILLING TO DO. 346 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:56,041 THEN IN THE INTERVENING EIGHT YEARS, HE'S GOTTEN STRONGER, 347 00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:58,477 CONSOLIDATED HIS POWER, HIS MILITARY IS STRONGER. 348 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,046 AND JUST ALL THAT MORE DANGEROUS. 349 00:23:01,113 --> 00:23:03,181 BUT, YOU KNOW, IN THAT MOMENT, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, 350 00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:07,586 YOU'RE HAVING TO DECIDE, I DON'T WANT TO MISREAD THIS. 351 00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:10,956 IS THIS-- IS THIS HIM TRYING TO REGAIN THE SOVIET UNION? 352 00:23:11,022 --> 00:23:14,960 OR IS THIS A SMALL ANNEXATION OF A COUNTRY THAT AMERICA DOESN'T 353 00:23:15,026 --> 00:23:18,964 REALLY CARE ABOUT? AND, YOU KNOW, GETTING THAT 354 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:22,300 BALANCE RIGHT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES ARE IN THE-- 355 00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:24,903 ARE AT STAKE? >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE'S 356 00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:27,939 BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK THESE SMART FOLKS WHY 357 00:23:28,006 --> 00:23:29,975 SO MANY REPUBLICANS ARE PULLING FOR PUTIN? 358 00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:31,042 STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 359 00:23:39,017 --> 00:23:41,953 WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF "THE CIRCUS." 360 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:45,223 ED JENNIFER PALMIERI, MARK McKINNON, AND JOHN HEILEMANN. 361 00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:49,895 MARK,s WAR IS A TRAGEDY, AN UNMITIGATED TRAGEDY, EVEN WHEN 362 00:23:49,961 --> 00:23:52,998 JUSTIFIED. AND POLITICS IS OFTEN CALLED WAR 363 00:23:53,064 --> 00:24:00,906 BY OTHER MEANS, OR A PROXY FOR WAR SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO USE 364 00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:02,507 VIOLENCE. WHAT ARE THE POLITICS OF THIS 365 00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:05,610 MOMENT RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE AS I WAS-- WE'VE TALKED 366 00:24:05,677 --> 00:24:10,816 ABOUT HERE AND HINTED IN MY LAST QUESTION, THERE HAS BEEN A VERY 367 00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:15,220 STRANGE SHIFT FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IN THE UNITED STATES-- 368 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,923 AGAIN, I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER GRAMEKO, REMEMBER THE 369 00:24:17,989 --> 00:24:21,726 REPUBLICAN PARTY ALWAYS WILLING TO STAND UP TO AUTOCRATIC 370 00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,995 REGIMES THAT TRIED TO CRUSH DEMOCRACY. 371 00:24:24,062 --> 00:24:27,699 WHY THIS CHANGE? >> IT'S STUNNING WHAT'S 372 00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:31,136 HAPPENING GEOPOLITICALLY WITH PUTIN, NOT A RATIONAL ACTOR. 373 00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:35,373 MITT ROMNEY WAS RIGHT IN 2012 AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED AT HIM. 374 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,878 IT'S JUST SHOCKING TO ME-- ONE OF THE CENTRAL TENETS OF THE 375 00:24:39,945 --> 00:24:45,116 IDEOLOGICAL GROUND FLOOR OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WAS 376 00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:48,520 ANTIAUTHORITARIANISM, PARTICULARLY ANTI-RUSSIA, PUTIN 377 00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:50,388 ACTORS. AND TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW, 378 00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:56,061 AMONG THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, JOE BIDEN IS TWICE AS UNPOPULAR AS 379 00:24:56,127 --> 00:24:57,162 VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. 380 00:24:57,229 --> 00:24:59,998 SO THAT TELLS YOU HOW POLITICAL THINGS HAVE BECOME. 381 00:25:00,065 --> 00:25:02,901 THAT PEOPLE-- PEOPLE ARE SUPPORTING PUTIN JUST BECAUSE 382 00:25:02,968 --> 00:25:06,104 THEY THINK IT WILL MAKE BIDEN WEAKER. 383 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,107 IN OTHER WORDS, THEY'RE ROOT AGO THEY WANT TO WIN SO BADLY, IT 384 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:10,575 DOESN'T MATTER WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG. 385 00:25:10,642 --> 00:25:14,646 IT JUST MATTERS WHO WINS. AND IF THEY THINK PUTIN IS THE 386 00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:17,816 STRONG MAN IN THIS CASE, AND AS DONALD TRUMP SAID YESTERDAY, 387 00:25:17,883 --> 00:25:21,386 "IT'S A GENIUS MOVE." >> I WANT TO MAKE TWO POINT, ONE 388 00:25:21,453 --> 00:25:24,089 OF WHICH IS I DON'T THINK THAT IT'S RIGHT THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN 389 00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:26,758 IS NOT A RATIONAL ACTOR. I THINK IT'S WRONG TO THINK 390 00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:29,194 THAT. WHEN YOU HEAR TALKS ABOUT CAMPS 391 00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:32,530 AND LISTS, IT CALLS TO MIND HITLER, AND HE'S NOT HITLER. 392 00:25:32,597 --> 00:25:35,467 AND IT CALLS TO MIND STALIN, AND HE'S NOT STALIN. 393 00:25:35,533 --> 00:25:38,603 HE'S SOMETHING ELSE, AND I THINK HE MAY IN SOME WAYS BE AS EVIL 394 00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:44,576 AS THOSE WHO AND AS DRIVEN BY A KIND OF SENSE OF KIND OF GRAND 395 00:25:44,643 --> 00:25:48,546 HISTORICAL PLACE IN HISTORY THAT HE'S TRYING TO REACH FOR NOW, AS 396 00:25:48,613 --> 00:25:52,484 THE THE RESTORER OF THE UNION. MIKE McFAUL, THE FORMER 397 00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:53,919 AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA FOR THE UNITED STATES, MADE THIS POINT 398 00:25:53,985 --> 00:25:56,955 WITH ME ON TELEVISION YESTERDAY. HE POINTED OUT, HE SAID PUTIN 399 00:25:57,022 --> 00:26:03,762 HAS FOUGHT IN THE FOLLOWING WARS: CHECHNYA 99, GEORGIA 2008, 400 00:26:03,828 --> 00:26:05,864 SYRIA IN 2015. HE'S HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE 401 00:26:05,931 --> 00:26:09,000 FIGHTING WARS, WON THEM ALL. I MEAN, YOU COULD SAY HE'S A 402 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:11,703 NUT. YOU COULD ALSO SAY THE GUY'S 403 00:26:11,770 --> 00:26:15,907 FOUGHT FIVE WARS AND WON THEM ALL, AND HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO 404 00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:18,677 WIN AGAIN, BECAUSE HE THINKING THE WEST IS WEAK AND DIVIDED. 405 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:22,914 AND THAT'S MY SECOND POINT WHICH GETS TO MARK'S THING AND WHAT JE 406 00:26:22,981 --> 00:26:25,450 N SAID. BEFORE 2016, VLADIMIR PUTIN 407 00:26:25,517 --> 00:26:29,321 DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO GAUGE IN A SYSTEMATIC CAMPAIGN OF 408 00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:30,922 MISINFORMATION, DISINFORMATION, DIVIDE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND 409 00:26:30,989 --> 00:26:32,757 SOW DISTRUST AND DIVISION WITHIN THE REPUBLICAN SCPEART WITHIN 410 00:26:32,824 --> 00:26:36,928 OUR COUNTRY. HE GOT DONALD TRUMP ELECTED, OR 411 00:26:36,995 --> 00:26:40,165 HELPED GET DONALD TRUMP ELECTED. AND NOW WE HAVE A MORE DIVIDED 412 00:26:40,231 --> 00:26:42,934 COUNTRY THAN WE'VE EVER HAD BEFORE, AND WE HAVE A REPUBLICAN 413 00:26:43,001 --> 00:26:47,572 PARTY WHERE DONALD TRUMP, MIKE POMPEO, THE SENATOR WHO SHOOK 414 00:26:47,639 --> 00:26:50,408 FIST-- THE GUY FROM MISSOURI. >> JOSH HAWLEY. 415 00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:54,612 >> THE BIRD HANDED INSURRECTIONIST, JOSH HAWLEY. 416 00:26:54,679 --> 00:26:57,482 THEY'RE ALL OUT THERE SAYING AT THIS MOMENT WHEN PUTIN IS 417 00:26:57,549 --> 00:26:59,851 THINKING ABOUT LAUNCHING A WAR THAT WILL KILL HUNDREDS OF 418 00:26:59,918 --> 00:27:03,154 THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, "HE'S REALLY CLEVER. 419 00:27:03,221 --> 00:27:05,590 HE'S FORMIDABLE. HE'S DOING SOMETHING REALLY 420 00:27:05,657 --> 00:27:08,426 SMART HERE." THAT IS EXACTLY-- I WAS GOING TO 421 00:27:08,493 --> 00:27:11,396 SAY INSANE, IMMORAL, HORRIBLE. BUT IT'S ALSO WHAT PUTIN WANTED 422 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,666 AND WHAT HE PLANNED. TO COME BACK TO THE POLITICS OF 423 00:27:14,733 --> 00:27:15,834 THIS. VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS A LOT OF 424 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:19,671 THINGS ON HIS MIND-- LAND IN EUROPE, HIS PLACE IN HISTORY, 425 00:27:19,738 --> 00:27:22,374 BUT ALSO AMERICAN DOMESTIC POLITICS. 426 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,642 AND THIS IS A TEST OF JOE BIDEN, AND THERE IS NO DOUBT VLADIMIR 427 00:27:24,709 --> 00:27:29,681 PUTIN WOULD RATHER SEE DONALD TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2024 428 00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:33,151 THAN JOE BIDEN BACK IN THERE, AND IF HE COULD WEAKEN BIDEN IN 429 00:27:33,218 --> 00:27:35,754 THE PROCESS IT'S A WIN FOR HIM. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 430 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:39,858 QUICK BREAK, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE WITH MARK McKINNON, 431 00:27:39,924 --> 00:27:41,926 JOHN HEILEMANN, AND JENNIFER PALMIERI FROM "THE CIRCUS." 432 00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:57,108 JENNIFER PALMIERI, MARK McKINNON, AND JOHN HEILEMANN. 433 00:27:57,175 --> 00:28:00,578 NEXT WEEK IS BIDEN'S FIRST STATE OF THE UNION. 434 00:28:00,645 --> 00:28:05,950 HE ADDRESSED LAST YEAR, BUT IT IS HIS FIRST STATE OF THE UNION. 435 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:06,918 WE'RE LIVE. PLEASE JOIN US. 436 00:28:06,985 --> 00:28:09,154 I WOULD HATE TO STAY UP LATE FOR IS NOTHING. 437 00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,423 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THIS TO BE? 438 00:28:11,489 --> 00:28:15,627 >> I WORKED AS THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, AND THE 439 00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:17,996 STATE OF THE UNION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT, THE BIGGEST 440 00:28:18,063 --> 00:28:20,665 AUDIENCE, WHERE YOU TELL THE COUNTRY WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO, 441 00:28:20,732 --> 00:28:22,567 FRAME UP THE CHOICE FOR NOVEMBER. 442 00:28:22,634 --> 00:28:26,237 IN THIS CASE, YOU WANT TO BE TALKING ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE 443 00:28:26,304 --> 00:28:27,205 ISSUES. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TALKING 444 00:28:27,272 --> 00:28:29,774 ABOUT UKRAINE. BUT I THINK THE CHOICE OF THE 445 00:28:29,841 --> 00:28:32,977 THE WHITE HOUSE IS WRESTLING WITH RIGHT NOW IS HOW DO WE DEAL 446 00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:34,979 WITH UKRAINE? IS IT AN ISSUE WE JUST TALK 447 00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:40,251 ABOUT AS SORT OF A SIDE ISSUE, OR DO WE GO BIG AND MAKE THE ARC 448 00:28:40,318 --> 00:28:44,989 OF THE SPEECH THAT THE BATTLE FOR THE COUNTRY GLOBALLY RIGHT 449 00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:48,293 NOW IS AUTOCRACY VERSUS DEMOCRACY. 450 00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:50,929 IT'S HAPPENING ABROAD. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE HOW IT'S 451 00:28:50,995 --> 00:28:53,231 HAPPENING ABROAD. IT'S HAPPENING AT HOME. 452 00:28:53,298 --> 00:28:56,668 NEXT WEEK IN TEXAS THERE'S A PRIMARY MARCH 1. 453 00:28:56,734 --> 00:29:00,605 THE MAI MAIL-IN BALLOTS ARE BEIG THROWN OUT BY THE THOUSANDS 454 00:29:00,672 --> 00:29:03,174 BECAUSE OF THE REAL VOTER I.D. HE COULD MAKE THE ARGUMENT THAT 455 00:29:03,241 --> 00:29:07,078 THIS IS THE SAME WAR THAT'S HAPPENING AND GO, YOU KNOW, IT'S 456 00:29:07,145 --> 00:29:10,849 NOT HOW YOU WOULD NRMDLY USE A STATE OF THE UNION, BUT I DO 457 00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:11,983 THINK THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. 458 00:29:12,050 --> 00:29:14,285 THAT IS WHAT THIS MOMENT IS ABOUT, AND THAT'S WHAT 459 00:29:14,352 --> 00:29:15,620 PRESIDENTIAL LEADERSHIP WOULD CALL FOR. 460 00:29:15,687 --> 00:29:18,523 >> AND I THINK THERE'S, TO GO BACK TO THE POINT WE WERE 461 00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:24,996 TALTALKING ABOUT BEFORE, I HATEO BE DEBBIE DOWNER HERE TODAY, AND 462 00:29:25,063 --> 00:29:33,071 I DO-- I DO THINK, YOU KNOW, THE REALITY IS-- AGAIN, HUNDREDS OF 463 00:29:33,138 --> 00:29:35,740 THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DEAD IN UKRAINE, AND PEOPLE BEING 464 00:29:35,807 --> 00:29:39,611 SHIPPED OFF TO CAMPS IS GOING TO SOBER-- IS GOING TO CLARIFY THE 465 00:29:39,677 --> 00:29:42,313 MIND FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE. WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE 466 00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:44,349 THAT. SINCE THE IRAQ WAR THERE HASN'T 467 00:29:44,415 --> 00:29:47,418 BEEN A REAL WAR. THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST 468 00:29:47,485 --> 00:29:49,220 EUROPEAN LAND WAR SINCE WORLD WAR II. 469 00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:53,258 IN A MOMENT LIKE THAT, THE PRESSURE ON JOE BIDEN, WHEN HE 470 00:29:53,324 --> 00:29:55,827 SAYS, "SANCTIONS" OVER AND OVER AGAIN, THE PRESSURE FOR IT TO BE 471 00:29:55,894 --> 00:29:57,462 MORE THAN SANCTIONS ARE GOING TO BE ENORMOUS. 472 00:29:57,529 --> 00:30:00,365 THERE WILL BE A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYING SANCTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH. 473 00:30:00,431 --> 00:30:03,067 IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS BUTCHERING PEOPLE, IS THAT GOING TO BE 474 00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,603 ENOUGH? HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE 475 00:30:05,670 --> 00:30:08,706 CASE-- START TO MAKE THE CASE AT THE STATE OF THE UNION. 476 00:30:08,773 --> 00:30:13,578 AND TO JEN'S POINT, IT HAS TO BE A DISCUSSION ABOUT HOW AUTOCRACY 477 00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:18,716 IS IN MARCH ACROSS THE WORLD. IT'S HAPPENING IN HUNGRY. 478 00:30:18,783 --> 00:30:21,619 WILL BE AN ISSUE ON THE FAR RIGHT A MONTH FROM NOW. 479 00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:25,523 AND WE'VE GOT CPAC IS GOING TO GO AND DO A SATELLITE OFFSHOOT 480 00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:31,296 OF CPAC IN VICTOR ORBIN'S HUNGARY AT THE END OF MARCH. 481 00:30:31,362 --> 00:30:33,464 WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS-- ORRIN'S BEGGING TRUMP TO COME, ALONG 482 00:30:33,531 --> 00:30:38,102 WITH I'M SURE TUCKER CARLSON WILL BROADCAST LIVE THERE FOR 483 00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:39,704 THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS. THAT'S THE FIGHT NOW. 484 00:30:39,771 --> 00:30:42,173 THIS IS A-- THIS IS CONNECTED TO A LARGE GLOBAL THING. 485 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,310 AND IT'S ABOUT SAVING AMERICAN DEMOCRACIES AND SAVING DEMOCRACY 486 00:30:45,376 --> 00:30:47,378 AROUND THE WORLD. AND VLADIMIR PUTIN IS HELPING 487 00:30:47,445 --> 00:30:50,915 JOE BIDEN IN THAT SENSE BECAUSE HE'S PUTTING A VERY PINE POINT 488 00:30:50,982 --> 00:30:53,851 ON WHAT THE STAKES ARE. >> Stephen: AT THE END OF THE 489 00:30:53,918 --> 00:30:57,155 LAST SEASON-- SEASON SEVEN STARTS MARCH 6-- AND I WOULD SAY 490 00:30:57,222 --> 00:31:00,291 THE MAJORITY OF SEASONS OF THE SHOW HAPPENED DURING THE 491 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:03,728 PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION. AND THE LEAD-UP TO THAT 492 00:31:03,795 --> 00:31:05,830 ADMINISTRATION AS WELL. YOU'VE HAD ONE YEAR OUTSIDE, 493 00:31:05,897 --> 00:31:10,935 WITH A NEW ADMINISTRATION. "A," HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE 494 00:31:11,002 --> 00:31:13,871 DOING THE SHOW UNDER THESE NEW CONDITIONS? 495 00:31:13,938 --> 00:31:18,009 AN, "B," YOU ENDED LAST SEASON HOPEFULLY. 496 00:31:18,076 --> 00:31:19,744 HOW DO YOU START-- >> ONE OF US DID. 497 00:31:19,811 --> 00:31:22,247 >> Stephen: WELL, MARK DID. >> AND ONE OF US DIDN'T. 498 00:31:22,313 --> 00:31:25,049 >> Stephen: MARK FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS-- THE COUNTRY WAS IN A 499 00:31:25,116 --> 00:31:27,051 BETTER PLACE. >> I'M A PRISONER OF HOPE. 500 00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:29,787 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR HOPE LEADING FORWARD? 501 00:31:29,854 --> 00:31:33,258 ( APPLAUSE ) NO PRESSURE. 502 00:31:33,324 --> 00:31:38,429 >> LISTEN, YOU KNOW, MY HOPE IS THAT THAT BIDEN WAS ELECTED-- I 503 00:31:38,496 --> 00:31:41,733 THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY WE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE 504 00:31:41,799 --> 00:31:44,269 F.D.R. HE DIDN'T GET ELECTED TO BE 505 00:31:44,335 --> 00:31:46,237 F.D.R. HE GOT ELECTED TO NOT BE DONALD 506 00:31:46,304 --> 00:31:49,340 TRUMP AND BE A STABILIZING NORMAL FORCE. 507 00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:51,542 AND I THINK PART OF THE CHALLENGE OF HIM IS THE 508 00:31:51,609 --> 00:31:54,512 EXPECTATIONS WERE SO HIGH. AND I THINK THIS IS-- HE'S GOT 509 00:31:54,579 --> 00:31:58,716 THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE, NOT JUST IN HIS LIFE, MAYBE THE COUNTRY'S 510 00:31:58,783 --> 00:32:00,685 COUNTRY DEALING WITH UKRAINE. AND HIS BACKGROUND, AGAIN, HE 511 00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:05,156 COULD BE THE MAN FOR THE MOMENT, GIVEN HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE 512 00:32:05,223 --> 00:32:06,991 INTERNATIONAL SPHERE, CREATING ALLIANCES WITH NATO, PUTTING 513 00:32:07,058 --> 00:32:09,127 THAT TOGETHER. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, 514 00:32:09,193 --> 00:32:11,462 THAT'S WHERE I'M HOPEFUL. THIS GUY HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS 515 00:32:11,529 --> 00:32:14,532 DRILL BEFORE AND KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS. 516 00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:18,369 >> PUT A FINE POINT ON THIS. THE LAST SEASON, WE HAD TRUMP 517 00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:21,673 RUNNING IN 2016. WE HAD FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP. 518 00:32:21,739 --> 00:32:23,941 LAST SEASON WAS WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DONE WITH DONALD TRUMP. 519 00:32:24,008 --> 00:32:26,544 NO SUCH LUCK. THE THING WE ALL WISH UPON A 520 00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:32,283 STAR FOR, STEPHEN, IS THAT BY SOME MAGIC FAIRY DUST OR SOME 521 00:32:32,350 --> 00:32:39,724 ACT OF GOD, THAT WE'LL EVENTUALLY GET TO DO A "CIRCUS" 522 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:42,927 SEASON WHERE WE NEVER HAVE TO SAY THE WORD "TRUMP." 523 00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:47,432 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CIRCUS" PREMIERES MARCH 6 ON 524 00:32:47,498 --> 00:32:49,500 SHOWTIME. JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, 525 00:32:49,567 --> 00:32:52,203 AND JENNIFER PALMIERI, EVERYBODY! 526 00:32:52,270 --> 00:32:55,673 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN RUSSELL HOWARD. 527 00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:57,075 THANKS Y'ALL. 528 00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:28,940 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. 529 00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:30,274 MY NEXT GUEST FROM "THE RUSSELL HOWARD HOUR" AND HIS NETFLIX 530 00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:35,446 STAND UP SPECIAL "LUBRICANT." PLEASE WELCOME RUSSELL HOWARD! 531 00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:40,151 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO! 532 00:33:40,218 --> 00:33:44,822 LOOK AT THIS. I LOVE GIGGING IN AMERICA. 533 00:33:44,889 --> 00:33:48,226 YOU'RE SO HAPPY. ( LAUGHTER ) 534 00:33:48,292 --> 00:33:52,930 WE ARE, WE ARE. OF I DID A SHOW IN ENGLAND 535 00:33:52,997 --> 00:33:55,199 RECENTLY, AND I WAS JOKING ABOUT MY LAZY EYE, AND THIS MAN STOOD 536 00:33:55,266 --> 00:33:59,737 UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND WENT, "I DON'T LIKE IT." 537 00:33:59,804 --> 00:34:03,941 ( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT YOUR EYE, BECAUSE I HAVE 538 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:08,012 GOT A LAZY EYE." SURELY IF ANYONE CAN, YOU CAN 539 00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:11,749 LOOK THE OTHER WAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 540 00:34:11,816 --> 00:34:16,020 SO YOU DON'T MIND THAT. HE DISAGREED. 541 00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:19,023 HE WAS VERY UPSET. PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY, 542 00:34:19,090 --> 00:34:28,933 WE COULDN'T SEE EYE TO EYE. WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES. 543 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,969 WE HAVE TO. PARTICULARLY IF YOU'RE BRITISH. 544 00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:34,939 WE'RE A LUDICROUS NATION. THERE WAS A HEADLINE THAT 545 00:34:35,006 --> 00:34:39,744 GENUINELY SAID, "CAN HACKERS SECRETLY CONTROL OUR HOT TUBS?" 546 00:34:39,811 --> 00:34:45,716 ( LAUGHTER ) A GENUINE CONCERN? 547 00:34:45,783 --> 00:34:49,053 "I CAN'T SLEEP, ROGER. IT'S THE JACUZZI. 548 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,988 WE'RE BEING HACKED." ( LAUGHTER ) 549 00:34:51,055 --> 00:34:57,595 "THERE'S SOME OPERATIVE IN MOSCOW. 550 00:34:57,662 --> 00:35:01,232 SHALL WE DESTABILIZE THEIR ECONOMY?" 551 00:35:01,299 --> 00:35:05,136 "NO." "SHOULD WE FURTHER INVADE 552 00:35:05,203 --> 00:35:06,671 UKRAINE?" "NO, LET'S HEAD TO BRITAIN. 553 00:35:06,737 --> 00:35:10,074 LET'S MAKE THE OUTSIDE BATH LESS BUBBLY THAN THEY DESIRE." 554 00:35:10,141 --> 00:35:12,743 AND THIS ARTICLE WENT ON. APPARENTLY, HACKERS CAN CONTROL 555 00:35:12,810 --> 00:35:17,281 YOUR FRIDGE, YOUR TV, AND MY FAVORITE, YOUR SEX TOY. 556 00:35:17,348 --> 00:35:20,585 AGAIN, IT'S NOT LIKELY, ISN'T IT, EVEN IF THEY COULD. 557 00:35:20,651 --> 00:35:23,221 WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN? 558 00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:26,290 ( LAUGHTER ) THE VERY LEAST. 559 00:35:26,357 --> 00:35:31,262 THAT IS A GREAT EXCUSE. "I CAN'T STOP IT, BRYAN, IT'S 560 00:35:31,329 --> 00:35:32,964 VLADIMIR PUTIN." THINK IT. 561 00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:36,701 THINK IT THROUGH. FIVE TIMES HE'S GOT ME DOING IT 562 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:38,369 TODAY! WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN 563 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:40,605 HAPPEN? IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S GOING TO 564 00:35:40,671 --> 00:35:45,042 BE REMOTE-CONTROL SEX TOYS LEAPING OUT OF CUBBARDS CHASING 565 00:35:45,109 --> 00:35:49,247 BRITISH MEN DOWN THE STREET. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE SWITCHING 566 00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:53,751 ON THE BBC, FIVE MORE PEOPLE TODAY WERE DILL DOUGHED TO 567 00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,320 DEATH. THE FOOTAGE IS SHOCKING, BUT WE 568 00:35:56,387 --> 00:36:00,091 HAVE THEIR FINAL WORDS. "OH, YEAH! 569 00:36:00,157 --> 00:36:06,731 OH, HELL, YEAH." WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES. 570 00:36:06,797 --> 00:36:09,767 LAUGHTER IS THE LUBERICANT THAT MAKES LIFE LIVABLE. 571 00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:13,771 AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE WEIRD. WE BLAME ANIMALS FOR OUR CREEPY 572 00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,908 BEHAVIOR. YOU HAVE NOTICED THAT? 573 00:36:16,974 --> 00:36:22,313 YOU KNOW THE PHRASE "CATFISH." SOMEONE GOES ON LINE, TENDS TO 574 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:26,150 BE SOMEONE ELSE. CATFISH DON'T DO THAT. 575 00:36:26,217 --> 00:36:32,189 ( LAUGHTER ) OF A DOLPHIN. 576 00:36:32,256 --> 00:36:37,929 ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU EVER SIGN WOLF WHISTLE? 577 00:36:37,995 --> 00:36:40,865 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BANLER BADGER. 578 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:44,936 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ELEPHANT IN A ROOM GO GO, "I KNOW?" 579 00:36:45,002 --> 00:36:48,806 NO, THAT'S US, BECAUSE WE'RE WEIRD. 580 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:52,109 PARTICULARLY ONLINE. WE BEHAVE ONLINE THE WAY WE 581 00:36:52,176 --> 00:36:53,945 NEVER WOULD IN REAL LIFE. INSTAGRAM IS RAY GREAT EXAMPLE. 582 00:36:54,011 --> 00:36:58,583 YOU AN SEE A PICTURE OF A GIRL IN A BIKINI AND YOU CAN LIKE IT. 583 00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:04,088 IMAGINE DOING THAT IN REAL LIFE? "I LIKE THAT. 584 00:37:04,155 --> 00:37:09,393 THAT IS ALL RIGHT, THAT IS. GIVE ME THE EGGPLANT. 585 00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:14,165 I'M GOING TO WAVE A VEGETABLE AT A GIRL I DON'T KNOW." 586 00:37:14,231 --> 00:37:16,901 WE LIVE IN BAFFLING TIMES. LOOK AT POLITICS. 587 00:37:16,968 --> 00:37:24,208 THE LEFT ARE TOO LEFT AND SHE RIGHT ARE TOO RIGHT. 588 00:37:24,275 --> 00:37:26,410 COVID'S NOT REAL. WE NEED REAL GUNS. 589 00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:33,017 AND THE LEFT ARE JUST AS BAD-- "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO CALL 590 00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:39,490 FEMALE FISHERMEN?" IT IS REAL, VAJANGLERS. 591 00:37:39,557 --> 00:37:41,559 CAN WE NOT DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT MATTERS. 592 00:37:41,626 --> 00:37:46,197 LOOK AT BRITISH POLITICS. IT'S PROOF THAT CREAM CAN RISE 593 00:37:46,263 --> 00:37:51,402 TO THE TOP, BUT TURDS CAN FLOAT THERE, TOO. 594 00:37:51,469 --> 00:37:55,840 OUR LEADER IS BORIS JOHNSON. OURS IS ASLEEP. 595 00:37:55,906 --> 00:38:00,011 YOURS IS PASSED OUT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO 596 00:38:00,077 --> 00:38:03,848 TUMBLE OUT OF HIS MOUTH. HIS BRAINS IS LIKE CARDS AGAINST 597 00:38:03,914 --> 00:38:05,583 HUMANITY. AND HE'S IN CHARGE OF US! 598 00:38:05,650 --> 00:38:09,253 HERE'S AN INTERESTING THING-- DID YOU KNOW THAT COUNTRIES RUN 599 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:13,824 BY WOMEN DID BETTER IN THE PANDEMIC THAN THE ONES RUN BY 600 00:38:13,891 --> 00:38:14,859 MEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 601 00:38:14,925 --> 00:38:18,095 THAT IS SUCH A GREAT-- IT'S AN AMAZING REACTION. 602 00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:22,600 THE WOMEN WERE ALL CHEERING AND YOU FEEL ALL THE FEALS GOING, 603 00:38:22,667 --> 00:38:24,568 "WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY." 604 00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:30,474 ( LAUGHTER ) FOOTBALL TEAM, BUT I COULD 605 00:38:30,541 --> 00:38:32,376 DEFINITELY..." IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME. 606 00:38:32,443 --> 00:38:35,179 ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW ARE COMPASSIONATE, GOOD IN A CRISIS. 607 00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:38,482 I WAS ON THE TUBE IN LONDON RECENTLY AND A LADY GOT STUCK IN 608 00:38:38,549 --> 00:38:41,018 THE TRAIN DOOR. AND HER FRIEND RESCUED HER. 609 00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:47,425 THEY'RE LIKE, "SARA." THEY WERE STROKING HER HAIR. 610 00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:50,428 "I WAS SCARED, GIRL, I WAS SCARED." 611 00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:56,534 IF THAT WAS A MAN, HE'D STILL BE IN THE DOOR. 612 00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,570 "SERIOUSLY. SAY HELLO TO TIKTOK, MATE. 613 00:38:59,637 --> 00:39:00,805 YOU'RE GOING VIRAL." ( LAUGHTER ) 614 00:39:00,871 --> 00:39:15,753 KNOW, THE FEMALE LEADERS. 615 00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:22,426 KNOW, THE FEMALE LEADERS. 616 00:39:22,493 --> 00:39:23,461 THEY LOOKED AFTER THEIR NATIONS LIKE MUMS. 617 00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:24,528 THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO, ISN'T IT? THEY PROTECT YOU. 618 00:39:24,595 --> 00:39:25,730 THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THINGS YOU DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER. 619 00:39:25,796 --> 00:39:26,630 REMEMBER WHEN UPPER FIVE AND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOUR 620 00:39:27,498 --> 00:39:28,265 "ALL RIGHT, I WASN'T PLANNING ON SCISSIT."" 621 00:39:28,332 --> 00:39:29,333 "DON'T PUT A KNIFE IN A PLUG SOCKET." 622 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:30,501 "AGAIN, NOT ON MY TO-DO LIST." THIS IS THE WEIRDEST. 623 00:39:30,568 --> 00:39:32,303 WHEN YOU'RE EIGHT, "DON'T PUT TWO PENCILS UP YOUR NOSE AND 624 00:39:32,369 --> 00:39:36,440 SMASH YOUR HEAD O A DESK." "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, MOM. 625 00:39:36,507 --> 00:39:39,744 WE WERE LITERALLY ABOUT TO PLAY SUICIDE WALRUS. 626 00:39:39,810 --> 00:39:42,446 HOW DID YOU KNOW?" THANK YOU O MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 627 00:39:42,513 --> 00:39:51,188 IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 628 00:39:51,255 --> 00:39:54,558 RUSSELL ON THE U.S. LEG OF HIS WORLD COMEDY TOUR, "RESPITE." 629 00:39:54,625 --> 00:39:59,964 TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT HIS WEBSITE. 630 00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:02,032 RUSSEL HOWARD, EVERYBODY! THANKS, RUSSELL. 631 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:06,237 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 632 00:40:06,303 --> 00:40:07,138 WILL BE JULIA IOFFE AND THOMAS LENNON. 633 00:40:07,204 --> 00:40:09,206 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.