>> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP,
CALLING PUTIN A GENIUS RIGHT NOW.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
AND COMEDIAN RUSSELL HOWARD.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, FOLKS. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BETWEEN RUSSIA AND UKRAINE, AS VLADIMIR PUTIN CONTINUES HIS
NAKED AGGRESSION. NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP.
IS ( LAUGHTER )
THE BORDER FOR MONTHS, AND RUSSIAN OFFICIALS, LIKE SERGEY
LAVROV AND TUCKER CARLSON, HAVE BEEN SAYING, "IT'S JUST A
MILITARY EXERCISE." AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS
BEEN WARNING, "THAT'S ALL LIES.
NOBODY MASSES THREE-QUARTERS OF THEIR STANDING ARMY ON THE
BORDER OF A COUNTRY THEY SAID DOESN'T EXIST AND THEN DOESN'T
INVADE." AND TONIGHT, YOU REALLY GET A
VIBE RIGHT NOW THAT THE BORSCHT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE
FAN. SO DON'T FORGET, AFTER THE SHOW,
STICK AROUND FOR "RYAN SEACREST'S ROCKIN' WORLD WAR III
EVE." HERE'S WHAT'S TRANSPIRED IN THE
LAST 24 HOURS. IMMEDIATELY AFTER PUTIN
UNILATERALLY DECLARED THAT TWO BREAKAWAY UKRAINIAN PROVINCES
WERE NOW INDEPENDENT NATIONS, THE RUSSIAN MILITARY MOVED INTO
DONETSK. THAT IS SHOCKING.
1,490 RUBLES FOR AN IRON?! ( LAUGHTER )
KOPEKS. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING,
BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S. WARNED THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT THAT
THE LATEST INTELLIGENCE POINTS TO A FULL-SCALE RUSSIAN INVASION
IMMINENTLY. THEIR FIRST CLUE?
THE 190,000 TROOPS WITH THE BANG-BANG STICKS AND THE
ALL-STEEL SHOOT-MOBILES. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WARNING COURTESY OF THE U.S. STATE DUH-PARTMENT.
SURE ENOUGH, THIS AFTERNOON WE LEARNED THAT RUSSIA MOVED NEARLY
100% OF ITS TROOPS INTO INVASION-READY POSITION.
OF COURSE, WE CAN SEE ALL THIS WITH OUR SATELLITES.
NO ONE DOESN'T SEE WHAT'S COMING.
BUT THE KREMLIN HAS CLAIMED THAT REBEL LEADERS IN EASTERN UKRAINE
HAVE ASKED RUSSIA FOR MILITARY HELP TO FEND OFF UKRAINIAN
AGGRESSION. YES, THEY SAY UKRAINE IS THE
AGGRESSOR, JUST LIKE TOKYO WAS ASKING FOR IT BY TAUNTING
GODZILLA. ( LAUGHTER )
ZELENSKY DECLARED A 30-DAY STATE OF EMERGENCY, CALLING UP ALL
MILITARY RESERVISTS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 60.
WOW. 18 AND 60.
AS A 57-YEAR-OLD MYSELF, LET ME JUST SAY I'M FLATTERED, BUT
REALLY? THERE'S A REASON I DON'T RUN OUT
HERE ANYMORE, BECAUSE RIGHT AROUND HERE, MY SUPPLY LINES
START TO BREAK DOWN. A PLATOON OF 60-YEAR-OLDS MAKES
NO SENSE. THE RUSSIANS WILL HEAR OUR KNEES
POPPING FROM A MILE AWAY ( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE GONNA KEEP LEAVING THE BATTLEFIELD TO PEE, AND WHERE
ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLUG IN THEIR WATER PICS AND CPAP
MACHINES? ( LAUGHTER )
DO THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY TENTS EVEN HAVE WALK-IN BATH TUBS.
ALSO, THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT WILL NOW ALLOW ORDINARY
CIVILIANS TO CARRY FIREARMS. THAT'S RIGHT.
THE SITUATION IS SO DIRE-- UKRAINE HAS BECOME TEXAS.
IS ( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT BIDEN-- TEXAS! DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE. PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS ALREADY
STARTED MAKING PUTIN PAY FOR HIS INVASION IMPOSING SANCTIONS
ON TWO OF RUSSIA'S MOST PROMINENT BANKS.
AND ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE, TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS
SANCTIONING THE SONS OF TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS.
IF HE'S GOING AFTER THE CHILDREN OF PUTIN'S CRONIES, CAN I
SUGGEST A COUPLE? ( LAUGHTER )
I WOULD LOVE IT. THAT'S RIGHT.
PERSONALLY-- >> Jon: THERE THEY GO.
THERE THEY GO. >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE IT,
ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER. RUSSIA'S ACTING NONCHALANT.
THEIR AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S. TWEETED, "IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE
THAT SOMEONE IN #WASHINGTON IS COUNTING ON-- RUSSIAN FLAG
EMOJI-- TO REVISE ITS FOREIGN POLICY UNDER THE THREAT OF
SANCTIONS. I DON'T REMEMBER A SINGLE DAY
WHEN OUR COUNTRY LIVED WITHOUT ANY RESTRICTIONS FROM THE
WESTERN WORLD." "SANCTIONS, SHMANCTIONS.
GREAT RUSSIAN PEOPLE LOVE SUFFERING.
WE DON'T NEED DECADENT WESTERN APPLE PHONE.
I TYPE THIS TWEET ON ACTUAL POTATO PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS MY FRIEND THE DICTATOR.
I KID. I KID.
THERE IS NO ONE THERE. IS POTATO."
( LAUGHTER ) SOME PEOPLE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTED
THAT THE SANCTIONS WEREN'T HARSHER.
UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTER TWEETED, "TO STOP PUTIN FROM
FURTHER AGGRESSION, WE CALL ON PARTNERS TO IMPOSE MORE
SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA NOW. FIRST, DECISIVE STEPS WERE TAKEN
YESTERDAY, AND WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR THEM.
NOW THE PRESSURE NEEDS TO STEP UP TO STOP PUTIN.
HIT HIS ECONOMY AND CRONIES. HIT MORE.
HIT HARD. HIT NOW.
IS THIS GUY A FOREIGN MINISTER OR KIEV'S MORNING D.J.?
"HIT MORE. HIT HARD.
AND KEEP THOSE HITS COMING!
HITS FROM THE 80s, 90s, AND TODAY!
UP NEXT, IT'S A ZEPPELIN ROCK BLOCK ON SANCTIONS AT 7!
YOU'RE LISTENING TO WUKR WITH CRAZY DIMITRI AND THE BEAR!
RAWR!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY ♪
THE U.S. ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SANCTIONS DIDN'T GO AS FAR AS
THEY COULD HAVE GONE, BUT THIS IS JUST THE FIRST TRANCHE.
IF PUTIN ESCALATES HIS AGGRESSION, THE ADMINISTRATION
IS CONSIDERING FAR STIFFER PENALTIES, INCLUDING BLOCKING
RUSSIA FROM ACCESS TO THE U.S. DOLLAR.
OH, REALLY? BET YOU'D LIKE TO GET YOUR HANDS
ON THIS, WOULDN'T YOU, VLAD? WANT ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY
FRIEND GEORGE? MMM, SMELLS LIKE WOODEN TOOTH.
MMM. ( LAUGHTER )
SHAKE IT UP FOR DADDY, VLADDY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUMP ON THE SANCTION BUS, INCLUDING CANADA, JAPAN, AND
AUSTRALIA. OH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH
THE AUSSIES, BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA SEND THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE KANGAROO--
>> Jon: MAN, COME ON, MAN >> Stephen: SO IT LOOKS LIKE
PUTIN'S GONNA START A DEADLY GROUND WAR THAT WILL TRIGGER
STEEP SANCTIONS, AND NO DOUBT CAUSE PAIN FOR THE RUSSIAN
PEOPLE. SO WHY IS HE DOING IT?
SOME ANALYSTS THINK HE'S GOT COVID-INDUCED PARANOIA.
AND I GET IT. I MEAN, AT ONE POINT, AT THE
HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC, I STARTED TO THINK THAT EVIE HAD
WATCHED THE NEXT EPISODE OF "BRIDGERTON" WITHOUT ME, AND I
FIRED HEAVY ARTILLERY INTO THE BREAKFAST NOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) STANDS IN SOLIDARITY OPPOSING
PUTIN WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY, ESPECIALLY THEIR DEAR LEADER, FORMER PRESIDENT SUPER
CALLOUS FRAGILE RACIST SEXIST NAZI POTUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
I'LL TAKE IT. >> Jon: MARY POPPIN'S FANS.
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY, HE WAS THE FOURTH CALLER ON SOME RADIO
SHOW, AND HE WAXED AUTOCRATIC ABOUT THE RUSSIAN LEADER:
>> I WENT IN YESTERDAY, AND THERE WAS A TELEVISION SCREEN,
AND I SAID, "THIS IS GENIUS." >> Stephen: YES, HE COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT: HOW DO THEY GET THE PEOPLE IN THERE?
( LAUGHTER ) IS.
>> PUTIN DECLARES IT AS INDEPENDENT.
IT THAT'S WONDERFUL. SO PUTIN IS SAYING IT'S
INDEPENDENT, A LARGE SECTION OF
UKRAINE. I SAID HOW SMART IS THAT HAD?
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN A PRESIDENT CHEER ON THE
RUSSIANS THIS HARD SINCE THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WHEN
EISENHOWER WORE THE T-SHIRT, "KHRUSHCHEV IS A ZADDY!"
THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADMIRATION TOK AN EVEN STRANGER
TURN: >> AND HE'S GONNA GO IN AND BE A
FORCE. WE COULD USE THAT ON OUR
SOUTHERN BORDER. >> Stephen: SO, HE WANTS MOSCOW
TO INVADE MEXICO? "OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
LET'S GAS UP THE TANKS AND GO ANNEX CANCUN.
I'M GOING TO RENAME IT 'COMRADE FROG'S.'
SHOTS! SHOTS!
START FIRING THE SHOTS!"
IN OTHER-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE. IN OTHER ALARMING NEWS, FLORIDA,
WHERE THE G.O.P. HAS ADVANCED ITS "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL IN
THE HOUSE. ( AUDIENCE BOOS )
FLORIDA'S L.G.B.T.Q. COMMUNITY, AND ITS KARAOKE BARS.
( AS EMCEE ) 'SEXUAL HEALING' BY MARVIN
REDACTED." ( LAUGHTER )
THIS BILL, WHICH THE REPUBLICANS CALL THE "PARENTAL RIGHTS IN
EDUCATION" BILL, STIPULATES THAT CLASSROOM INSTRUCTION ON SEXUAL
ORIENTATION OR GENDER IDENTITY MAY NOT OCCUR IN KINDERGARTEN
THROUGH THIRD GRADE. NOT MENTIONING GENDER IDENTITY
COULD MAKE IT HARD TO START CLASS:
"GOOD MORNING, BOYS AND GIRLS... AAAND I'M FIRED."
( LAUGHTER ) OF FOURTH GRADE IS GONNA GET
SUPER INTERESTING: "ALL RIGHT. BRANDON, SHUT THE
DOOR. THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA COOL STUFF
WE'VE BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR I'M-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S GOOD. THIS BILL WOULD ALSO GIVE
PARENTS THE POWER TO SUE VIOLATORS.
I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, PARENTS, BUT WHOEVER'S TRYING TO
SUE A TEACHER IS GOING TO BE SUPER DISAPPOINTED.
"I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE GOT!
I'M TAKING YOUR STUBBY GLUE STICKS AND EVERY LAST ONE OF
YOUR COPIES OF "RED BADGE OF COURAGE" THAT YOU HAD TO BUY
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS."
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S
"ROMAN-SPLAINING." ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) SAY HELLO TO JON BATTISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, WON'T YOU PLEASE? WON'T YOU PLEASE, FRIEND?
FOR MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS."
WE CAN JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, AND JENNIFER
PALMIERI. WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, IN POLITICS HERE AND AROUND THE
WORLD. AWARD-WINNING SHOW, IT IS.
YOU KNOW IT IS AN AWARD WINNING SHOW?
YOU ANSWERED? ARE THEY-- IT'S GOT TO BE.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AWARDS.
THEY'RE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE ARE.
THEY'RE ON SHOWTIME. ISN'T THAT FANCIER?
A VERY FANCY GROUP OF PEOPLE COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT. IS FOLKS, I LOVE A LOT OF
THINGS, BUT MOST OF ALL, I LOVE LOVE.
3 AND I LOVE THAT I LOVE IT.
EVEN THE WORD. THE "L," THE "O," THE "V," AND
SEXIEST OF THEM ALL, THAT SILENT "E."
WHO IS SHE? WHAT'S SHE HIDING?
WHAT ISN'T SHE SAYING? AND YOU SINGLES ALREADY KNOW
THAT DATING APPS HAVE DOMINATED THE SCENE FOR ALMOST A DECADE,
BUT PEOPLE ARE SOURING ON THEM, BECAUSE WORD ON THE STREET IS
THAT GEN Z IS READY TO BREAK UP WITH TINDER.
THAT'S RIGHT, TINDER IS CHEUGY HIGH-KEY SUS NO CAP, FAM.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO
YOU WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS. WITH TINDER ON THE DECLINE,
THERE'S A SLEW OF NEW DATING APPS FILLING THE VOID.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM IN MY LOVERLY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> ROMAN-SPLAINING WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT. DATING APPS EDITION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) APP GAP IS "SNACK," WHICH
DESCRIBES ITSELF AS "NOT YOUR PARENTS' DATING APP."
THAT IS GREAT NEWS, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO ACCIDENTALLY MATCH
WITH THEIR MOM: "WOW, THIS ONE SEEMS REALLY
GREAT. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON-- SAME
HOMETOWN, SAME LAST NAME-- OH, MY GOD!"
NEXT UP IN THE LOVE MACHINES IS THE ACTUAL NEW APP "SCHMOOZE,"
WHICH WILL SHOW YOU MEMES TO EVALUATE WHAT KIND OF HUMOR YOU
LIKE. AT THAT POINT, YOU'LL RECEIVE A
"HASHTAG MATCH-REC" WITH SOMEONE WHOSE HUMOR ALLEGEDLY MATCHES
YOURS, THE THEORY HERE BEING IF YOU SHARE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR,
YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO FIND THEM SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU HERE LAUGHED AT MANY OF MY JOKES IN THE
MONOLOGUE, AND THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO SHOOT ME FROM THE
WAIST UP. EVEN--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) TRYING TO UP THEIR GAME, BECAUSE
BUMBLE HAS ACQUIRED THE GEN Z DATING APP "FRUITZ," WHERE USERS
CAN SPECIFY THEIR PREFERENCES FOR WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP
THEY WISH TO FIND. IF THEY POST A WATERMELON,
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR "FRIEND WITH BENEFITS."
A CHERRY MEANS THEY WANT A SERIOUS, LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
GRAPE INDICATES THEY WANT TO MEET SOMEONE OVER A DRINK.
AND FOR SOME REASON, ON FRUITZ THE PEACH MEANS THAT THEY'RE
ONLY INTERESTED IN KISSING. ( LAUGHTER )
THOUGH, I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, IT DOESN'T SAY WHAT YOU'RE
KISSING.Y ( LAUGHTER )
SOON ALSO OFFER A NICE TOSSED SALAD WITH EGGPLANT, THEN RUN
THROUGH YOUR SPRINKLER. CLEARLY, CLEARLY, IT'S THE WILD
WEST OF DATING APPORTUNITIES OUT THERE.
AND PAPA WANTS TO GET HIS PEACH WET.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW LINE OF
COLBERT-PROPRIETARY DATING APPS, EACH WITH A COOL NEW GIMMICK
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SAY: "ALL RIGHT."
FIRST UP, IF YOU ENJOYED FRUITZ, WHY NOT TRY ITS SISTER APP,
"VEGETABLEZ." VEGETABLEZ IS THE APP WITH ITS
OWN HYPER-SPECIFIC SEXUAL EMOJI CODES.
FOR INSTANCE, BROCCOLI MEANS YOU LIKE IT ROUGHAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) MIGHT TRY "REX," WHICH ACTUALLY
IS YOUR PARENTS' DATING APP. IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO IS
FLEEING A PROPHESY OF PATRICIDE, SOLVES THE SPHINX'S RIDDLE,
ACCIDENTALLY SLEEPS WITH THEIR MOM, THEN GOUGES OUT THEIR EYES
IN DESPAIR. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR LOVE BUT FIND THE PANTRY IS BARE, WHY NOT ORDER OUT BY
VISITING GRUB-HUMP? THAT'S WHERE WE SEND YOU YOUR
FAVORITE MEAL, AND YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY MATCHED WITH
YOUR DELIVERY DRIVER BECAUSE-- ( APPLAUSE )
SEEMS NICE. SEEMS NICE.
BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE THE MAN WHO KNOWS THAT ALL
THREE OF THOSE SESAME CHICKENS ARE REALLY FOR YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE
CIRCUS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. JOINING ME NOW ARE THE HOSTS OF
SHOWTIME'S POLITICAL DOCUSERIES, "THE CIRCUS."
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, AND JENNIFER
PALMIERI, EVERYBODY! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME, Y'ALL.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: JENNIFER, LOVELY
TO HAVE YOU ON. >> GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: LISTEN, YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE WORKED FOR
PRESIDENTS, REPORTED ON PRESIDENTS.
RUSSIA, THIS INVASION OF UKRAINE IS A BIG TEST FOR THE PRESIDENT,
ESPECIALLY JUST AFTER THEIR FIRST YEAR STARTED HERE.
THIS FEELS A LITTLE BIT LIKE THE OLD DAYS WHEN I WAS A KID AND
BRESH 97 WOULD SEND OUT ANDRE GRAMEKO TO TALK ABOUT WHICHEVER
WAY THE RUSSIAN BEAR WAS POKING THE EAGLE THIS TIME.
A NEW PRESIDENT WOULD ALWAYS BE TESTED TO SEE WHAT THEIR
REACTION IS TO SOVIET AGGRESSION.
DOES THIS HAVE AN ECHO FOR YOU? >> I WAS THINKING BACK WHEN WE
WERE ON YOUR SHOW BEFORE, THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ON, WE
ANNOUNCED THE RESULTS WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP BECAME
PRESIDENT. >> Stephen: I REMEMBER.
I TRIED TO FORGET IT, BUT I-- >> I KNOW.
THE LAST TIME WAS THE WEEK OF THE INSURRECTION.
NOW, THIS WEEK WE'RE ON WHEN UKRAINE IS INVADED.
NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CALL US... BUT, YES, THIS IS THE BIGGEST
TEST, OBVIOUSLY, OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.
AND SOME WOULD ARGUE THIS IS WHAT HE'S BUILT FOR, GIVEN HIS
BACKGROUND AS AN INTERNATIONALIST, AS SOMEBODY
WHO BUILDS ALLIANCES. I MEAN, THE THING THAT'S
INTERESTING TO THINK ABOUT THE SCENARIO RIGHT NOW IS WHAT WOULD
BE HAPPENING IF PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW WHO IS
SUCH A PUTIN FAN. WE WOULD PROBABLY WITH THE
OCCUPATION FORCE S. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE CASE HE'S MADE SO FAR. BIDEN HAS ADDRESSED THE COUNTRY
A COUPLE OF TIMES, AND HE PUT IN A COUPLE OF TRANCHES OF
SANCTIONS AND THERE ARE BIGGER ONES COMING DOWN THE PIKE.
HE HAS TO MAKE THE CASE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEND IN TROOPS, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT
GOING TO FIRE BULLETS, UKRAINE MATTERS.
>> AS WE SIT REAR RIGHT NOW-- FIRST OF ALL, THE INVASION HAS
ALREADY STARTED. THE FULL SCALE INVASION SEEMS
IMMINENT. IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS IN KYIV THE
NEXT WEEK, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DEAD.
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LARGEST LAND WAR IN EUROPE SINCE WORLD
WAR II. IT'S LIKE A WORLD HISTORICAL
EVENT. AND I WOULD SAY THAT UP UNTIL
THIS MOMENT, PEOPLE THINK BIDEN HAS DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB IN
THE CONTEXT OF DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT A MAD MAN BUT
SOMEONE WHO IS NOT AMENABLE TO NORMAL FORMS OF DIPLOMATIC
PRESSURE AND PERSUASION. NOBODY IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW
WANTS THERE TO BE AMERICAN TROOPS THERE.
THE NOTION THAT SANCTIONS ARE THE BEST TOOL WE HAVE AND WE'RE
GOING TO KEEP RATCHETING THEM UP.
HOW DO YOU KEEP THE ALLIES TOGETHER?
HE'S DONE THAT SO FAR. NATO HAS BEEN STEADFAST.
HE'S KEPT THAT UNITY OF PURPOSE THAT PUTIN DOUBTED.
>> JEN, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE GIVE THE MOUSE A COOKIE ASPECT
OF THIS. YOU YOU WERE WORKING AT THE
WHITE HOUSE WHEN PUTIN SEIZED CRIMEA, WITHOUT LOSING A MAN, BY
THE WAY. IT SWEPT OVER CRIMEA.
WHAT IS IT LIKE INTERNALLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE DEAL WITH PUTIN
WHEN HE'S ON A WAR FOOTING. >> THAT WAS FEBRUARY OF 2014, TO
SORT OF PLACE EVERYONE. AND IT WAS STUNNING AND SURREAL
BECAUSE YOU THINK-- YOU KNOW, I THINK AT THE TIME WE PROBABLY,
IN RETROSPECT, UNDERESTIMATED WHAT PUTIN'S AMBITIONS REALLY
WERE. BECAUSE WE THOUGHT HE WAS ACTING
AS A RATIONAL BEING. AND YOU JUST DID NOT-- WE DID
NOT THINK HE WOULD REALLY DO THIS.
IS HE REALLY GOING TO BE-- IT IS HE REALLY GOING TO ANNEX A
COUNTRY FOR THE FIRST TIME, AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY, FOR THE
FIRST TIME SINCE WORLD WAR II? LIKE, WILL HE REALLY BE THAT
IRRATIONAL? , AND I ALSO REMEMBER AT THE
TIME, IT'S AFGHANISTAN, IT'S SYRIA, ALL THESE OTHER THINGS
HAPPENING IN FOREIGN POLICY. SO I DON'T THINK THAT WE
APPRECIATED WHAT HE WAS WILLING TO DO.
THEN IN THE INTERVENING EIGHT YEARS, HE'S GOTTEN STRONGER,
CONSOLIDATED HIS POWER, HIS MILITARY IS STRONGER.
AND JUST ALL THAT MORE DANGEROUS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IN THAT MOMENT, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
YOU'RE HAVING TO DECIDE, I DON'T WANT TO MISREAD THIS.
IS THIS-- IS THIS HIM TRYING TO REGAIN THE SOVIET UNION?
OR IS THIS A SMALL ANNEXATION OF A COUNTRY THAT AMERICA DOESN'T
REALLY CARE ABOUT? AND, YOU KNOW, GETTING THAT
BALANCE RIGHT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES ARE IN THE--
ARE AT STAKE? >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE'S
BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK THESE SMART FOLKS WHY
SO MANY REPUBLICANS ARE PULLING FOR PUTIN?
STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF "THE CIRCUS."
ED JENNIFER PALMIERI, MARK McKINNON, AND JOHN HEILEMANN.
MARK,s WAR IS A TRAGEDY, AN UNMITIGATED TRAGEDY, EVEN WHEN
JUSTIFIED. AND POLITICS IS OFTEN CALLED WAR
BY OTHER MEANS, OR A PROXY FOR WAR SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO USE
VIOLENCE. WHAT ARE THE POLITICS OF THIS
MOMENT RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE AS I WAS-- WE'VE TALKED
ABOUT HERE AND HINTED IN MY LAST QUESTION, THERE HAS BEEN A VERY
STRANGE SHIFT FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IN THE UNITED STATES--
AGAIN, I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER GRAMEKO, REMEMBER THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY ALWAYS WILLING TO STAND UP TO AUTOCRATIC
REGIMES THAT TRIED TO CRUSH DEMOCRACY.
WHY THIS CHANGE? >> IT'S STUNNING WHAT'S
HAPPENING GEOPOLITICALLY WITH PUTIN, NOT A RATIONAL ACTOR.
MITT ROMNEY WAS RIGHT IN 2012 AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED AT HIM.
IT'S JUST SHOCKING TO ME-- ONE OF THE CENTRAL TENETS OF THE
IDEOLOGICAL GROUND FLOOR OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WAS
ANTIAUTHORITARIANISM, PARTICULARLY ANTI-RUSSIA, PUTIN
ACTORS. AND TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW,
AMONG THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, JOE BIDEN IS TWICE AS UNPOPULAR AS
VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
SO THAT TELLS YOU HOW POLITICAL THINGS HAVE BECOME.
THAT PEOPLE-- PEOPLE ARE SUPPORTING PUTIN JUST BECAUSE
THEY THINK IT WILL MAKE BIDEN WEAKER.
IN OTHER WORDS, THEY'RE ROOT AGO THEY WANT TO WIN SO BADLY, IT
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG.
IT JUST MATTERS WHO WINS. AND IF THEY THINK PUTIN IS THE
STRONG MAN IN THIS CASE, AND AS DONALD TRUMP SAID YESTERDAY,
"IT'S A GENIUS MOVE." >> I WANT TO MAKE TWO POINT, ONE
OF WHICH IS I DON'T THINK THAT IT'S RIGHT THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN
IS NOT A RATIONAL ACTOR. I THINK IT'S WRONG TO THINK
THAT. WHEN YOU HEAR TALKS ABOUT CAMPS
AND LISTS, IT CALLS TO MIND HITLER, AND HE'S NOT HITLER.
AND IT CALLS TO MIND STALIN, AND HE'S NOT STALIN.
HE'S SOMETHING ELSE, AND I THINK HE MAY IN SOME WAYS BE AS EVIL
AS THOSE WHO AND AS DRIVEN BY A KIND OF SENSE OF KIND OF GRAND
HISTORICAL PLACE IN HISTORY THAT HE'S TRYING TO REACH FOR NOW, AS
THE THE RESTORER OF THE UNION. MIKE McFAUL, THE FORMER
AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA FOR THE UNITED STATES, MADE THIS POINT
WITH ME ON TELEVISION YESTERDAY. HE POINTED OUT, HE SAID PUTIN
HAS FOUGHT IN THE FOLLOWING WARS: CHECHNYA 99, GEORGIA 2008,
SYRIA IN 2015. HE'S HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE
FIGHTING WARS, WON THEM ALL. I MEAN, YOU COULD SAY HE'S A
NUT. YOU COULD ALSO SAY THE GUY'S
FOUGHT FIVE WARS AND WON THEM ALL, AND HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO
WIN AGAIN, BECAUSE HE THINKING THE WEST IS WEAK AND DIVIDED.
AND THAT'S MY SECOND POINT WHICH GETS TO MARK'S THING AND WHAT JE
N SAID. BEFORE 2016, VLADIMIR PUTIN
DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO GAUGE IN A SYSTEMATIC CAMPAIGN OF
MISINFORMATION, DISINFORMATION, DIVIDE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND
SOW DISTRUST AND DIVISION WITHIN THE REPUBLICAN SCPEART WITHIN
OUR COUNTRY. HE GOT DONALD TRUMP ELECTED, OR
HELPED GET DONALD TRUMP ELECTED. AND NOW WE HAVE A MORE DIVIDED
COUNTRY THAN WE'VE EVER HAD BEFORE, AND WE HAVE A REPUBLICAN
PARTY WHERE DONALD TRUMP, MIKE POMPEO, THE SENATOR WHO SHOOK
FIST-- THE GUY FROM MISSOURI. >> JOSH HAWLEY.
>> THE BIRD HANDED INSURRECTIONIST, JOSH HAWLEY.
THEY'RE ALL OUT THERE SAYING AT THIS MOMENT WHEN PUTIN IS
THINKING ABOUT LAUNCHING A WAR THAT WILL KILL HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, "HE'S REALLY CLEVER.
HE'S FORMIDABLE. HE'S DOING SOMETHING REALLY
SMART HERE." THAT IS EXACTLY-- I WAS GOING TO
SAY INSANE, IMMORAL, HORRIBLE. BUT IT'S ALSO WHAT PUTIN WANTED
AND WHAT HE PLANNED. TO COME BACK TO THE POLITICS OF
THIS. VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS A LOT OF
THINGS ON HIS MIND-- LAND IN EUROPE, HIS PLACE IN HISTORY,
BUT ALSO AMERICAN DOMESTIC POLITICS.
AND THIS IS A TEST OF JOE BIDEN, AND THERE IS NO DOUBT VLADIMIR
PUTIN WOULD RATHER SEE DONALD TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2024
THAN JOE BIDEN BACK IN THERE, AND IF HE COULD WEAKEN BIDEN IN
THE PROCESS IT'S A WIN FOR HIM. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE WITH MARK McKINNON,
JOHN HEILEMANN, AND JENNIFER PALMIERI FROM "THE CIRCUS."
JENNIFER PALMIERI, MARK McKINNON, AND JOHN HEILEMANN.
NEXT WEEK IS BIDEN'S FIRST STATE OF THE UNION.
HE ADDRESSED LAST YEAR, BUT IT IS HIS FIRST STATE OF THE UNION.
WE'RE LIVE. PLEASE JOIN US.
I WOULD HATE TO STAY UP LATE FOR IS NOTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THIS TO BE?
>> I WORKED AS THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, AND THE
STATE OF THE UNION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT, THE BIGGEST
AUDIENCE, WHERE YOU TELL THE COUNTRY WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO,
FRAME UP THE CHOICE FOR NOVEMBER.
IN THIS CASE, YOU WANT TO BE TALKING ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE
ISSUES. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TALKING
ABOUT UKRAINE. BUT I THINK THE CHOICE OF THE
THE WHITE HOUSE IS WRESTLING WITH RIGHT NOW IS HOW DO WE DEAL
WITH UKRAINE? IS IT AN ISSUE WE JUST TALK
ABOUT AS SORT OF A SIDE ISSUE, OR DO WE GO BIG AND MAKE THE ARC
OF THE SPEECH THAT THE BATTLE FOR THE COUNTRY GLOBALLY RIGHT
NOW IS AUTOCRACY VERSUS DEMOCRACY.
IT'S HAPPENING ABROAD. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE HOW IT'S
HAPPENING ABROAD. IT'S HAPPENING AT HOME.
NEXT WEEK IN TEXAS THERE'S A PRIMARY MARCH 1.
THE MAI MAIL-IN BALLOTS ARE BEIG THROWN OUT BY THE THOUSANDS
BECAUSE OF THE REAL VOTER I.D. HE COULD MAKE THE ARGUMENT THAT
THIS IS THE SAME WAR THAT'S HAPPENING AND GO, YOU KNOW, IT'S
NOT HOW YOU WOULD NRMDLY USE A STATE OF THE UNION, BUT I DO
THINK THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.
THAT IS WHAT THIS MOMENT IS ABOUT, AND THAT'S WHAT
PRESIDENTIAL LEADERSHIP WOULD CALL FOR.
>> AND I THINK THERE'S, TO GO BACK TO THE POINT WE WERE
TALTALKING ABOUT BEFORE, I HATEO BE DEBBIE DOWNER HERE TODAY, AND
I DO-- I DO THINK, YOU KNOW, THE REALITY IS-- AGAIN, HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DEAD IN UKRAINE, AND PEOPLE BEING
SHIPPED OFF TO CAMPS IS GOING TO SOBER-- IS GOING TO CLARIFY THE
MIND FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE. WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THAT. SINCE THE IRAQ WAR THERE HASN'T
BEEN A REAL WAR. THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST
EUROPEAN LAND WAR SINCE WORLD WAR II.
IN A MOMENT LIKE THAT, THE PRESSURE ON JOE BIDEN, WHEN HE
SAYS, "SANCTIONS" OVER AND OVER AGAIN, THE PRESSURE FOR IT TO BE
MORE THAN SANCTIONS ARE GOING TO BE ENORMOUS.
THERE WILL BE A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYING SANCTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH.
IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS BUTCHERING PEOPLE, IS THAT GOING TO BE
ENOUGH? HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE
CASE-- START TO MAKE THE CASE AT THE STATE OF THE UNION.
AND TO JEN'S POINT, IT HAS TO BE A DISCUSSION ABOUT HOW AUTOCRACY
IS IN MARCH ACROSS THE WORLD. IT'S HAPPENING IN HUNGRY.
WILL BE AN ISSUE ON THE FAR RIGHT A MONTH FROM NOW.
AND WE'VE GOT CPAC IS GOING TO GO AND DO A SATELLITE OFFSHOOT
OF CPAC IN VICTOR ORBIN'S HUNGARY AT THE END OF MARCH.
WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS-- ORRIN'S BEGGING TRUMP TO COME, ALONG
WITH I'M SURE TUCKER CARLSON WILL BROADCAST LIVE THERE FOR
THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS. THAT'S THE FIGHT NOW.
THIS IS A-- THIS IS CONNECTED TO A LARGE GLOBAL THING.
AND IT'S ABOUT SAVING AMERICAN DEMOCRACIES AND SAVING DEMOCRACY
AROUND THE WORLD. AND VLADIMIR PUTIN IS HELPING
JOE BIDEN IN THAT SENSE BECAUSE HE'S PUTTING A VERY PINE POINT
ON WHAT THE STAKES ARE. >> Stephen: AT THE END OF THE
LAST SEASON-- SEASON SEVEN STARTS MARCH 6-- AND I WOULD SAY
THE MAJORITY OF SEASONS OF THE SHOW HAPPENED DURING THE
PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION. AND THE LEAD-UP TO THAT
ADMINISTRATION AS WELL. YOU'VE HAD ONE YEAR OUTSIDE,
WITH A NEW ADMINISTRATION. "A," HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE
DOING THE SHOW UNDER THESE NEW CONDITIONS?
AN, "B," YOU ENDED LAST SEASON HOPEFULLY.
HOW DO YOU START-- >> ONE OF US DID.
>> Stephen: WELL, MARK DID. >> AND ONE OF US DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: MARK FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS-- THE COUNTRY WAS IN A
BETTER PLACE. >> I'M A PRISONER OF HOPE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR HOPE LEADING FORWARD?
( APPLAUSE ) NO PRESSURE.
>> LISTEN, YOU KNOW, MY HOPE IS THAT THAT BIDEN WAS ELECTED-- I
THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY WE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE
F.D.R. HE DIDN'T GET ELECTED TO BE
F.D.R. HE GOT ELECTED TO NOT BE DONALD
TRUMP AND BE A STABILIZING NORMAL FORCE.
AND I THINK PART OF THE CHALLENGE OF HIM IS THE
EXPECTATIONS WERE SO HIGH. AND I THINK THIS IS-- HE'S GOT
THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE, NOT JUST IN HIS LIFE, MAYBE THE COUNTRY'S
COUNTRY DEALING WITH UKRAINE. AND HIS BACKGROUND, AGAIN, HE
COULD BE THE MAN FOR THE MOMENT, GIVEN HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE
INTERNATIONAL SPHERE, CREATING ALLIANCES WITH NATO, PUTTING
THAT TOGETHER. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY,
THAT'S WHERE I'M HOPEFUL. THIS GUY HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS
DRILL BEFORE AND KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS.
>> PUT A FINE POINT ON THIS. THE LAST SEASON, WE HAD TRUMP
RUNNING IN 2016. WE HAD FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP.
LAST SEASON WAS WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DONE WITH DONALD TRUMP.
NO SUCH LUCK. THE THING WE ALL WISH UPON A
STAR FOR, STEPHEN, IS THAT BY SOME MAGIC FAIRY DUST OR SOME
ACT OF GOD, THAT WE'LL EVENTUALLY GET TO DO A "CIRCUS"
SEASON WHERE WE NEVER HAVE TO SAY THE WORD "TRUMP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CIRCUS" PREMIERES MARCH 6 ON
SHOWTIME. JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON,
AND JENNIFER PALMIERI, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN RUSSELL HOWARD.
THANKS Y'ALL.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST FROM "THE RUSSELL HOWARD HOUR" AND HIS NETFLIX
STAND UP SPECIAL "LUBRICANT." PLEASE WELCOME RUSSELL HOWARD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO!
LOOK AT THIS. I LOVE GIGGING IN AMERICA.
YOU'RE SO HAPPY. ( LAUGHTER )
WE ARE, WE ARE. OF I DID A SHOW IN ENGLAND
RECENTLY, AND I WAS JOKING ABOUT MY LAZY EYE, AND THIS MAN STOOD
UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND WENT, "I DON'T LIKE IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT YOUR EYE, BECAUSE I HAVE
GOT A LAZY EYE." SURELY IF ANYONE CAN, YOU CAN
LOOK THE OTHER WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
SO YOU DON'T MIND THAT. HE DISAGREED.
HE WAS VERY UPSET. PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY,
WE COULDN'T SEE EYE TO EYE. WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.
WE HAVE TO. PARTICULARLY IF YOU'RE BRITISH.
WE'RE A LUDICROUS NATION. THERE WAS A HEADLINE THAT
GENUINELY SAID, "CAN HACKERS SECRETLY CONTROL OUR HOT TUBS?"
( LAUGHTER ) A GENUINE CONCERN?
"I CAN'T SLEEP, ROGER. IT'S THE JACUZZI.
WE'RE BEING HACKED." ( LAUGHTER )
"THERE'S SOME OPERATIVE IN MOSCOW.
SHALL WE DESTABILIZE THEIR ECONOMY?"
"NO." "SHOULD WE FURTHER INVADE
UKRAINE?" "NO, LET'S HEAD TO BRITAIN.
LET'S MAKE THE OUTSIDE BATH LESS BUBBLY THAN THEY DESIRE."
AND THIS ARTICLE WENT ON. APPARENTLY, HACKERS CAN CONTROL
YOUR FRIDGE, YOUR TV, AND MY FAVORITE, YOUR SEX TOY.
AGAIN, IT'S NOT LIKELY, ISN'T IT, EVEN IF THEY COULD.
WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN?
( LAUGHTER ) THE VERY LEAST.
THAT IS A GREAT EXCUSE. "I CAN'T STOP IT, BRYAN, IT'S
VLADIMIR PUTIN." THINK IT.
THINK IT THROUGH. FIVE TIMES HE'S GOT ME DOING IT
TODAY! WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN
HAPPEN? IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S GOING TO
BE REMOTE-CONTROL SEX TOYS LEAPING OUT OF CUBBARDS CHASING
BRITISH MEN DOWN THE STREET. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE SWITCHING
ON THE BBC, FIVE MORE PEOPLE TODAY WERE DILL DOUGHED TO
DEATH. THE FOOTAGE IS SHOCKING, BUT WE
HAVE THEIR FINAL WORDS. "OH, YEAH!
OH, HELL, YEAH." WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.
LAUGHTER IS THE LUBERICANT THAT MAKES LIFE LIVABLE.
AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE WEIRD. WE BLAME ANIMALS FOR OUR CREEPY
BEHAVIOR. YOU HAVE NOTICED THAT?
YOU KNOW THE PHRASE "CATFISH." SOMEONE GOES ON LINE, TENDS TO
BE SOMEONE ELSE. CATFISH DON'T DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) OF A DOLPHIN.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU EVER SIGN WOLF WHISTLE?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BANLER BADGER.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ELEPHANT IN A ROOM GO GO, "I KNOW?"
NO, THAT'S US, BECAUSE WE'RE WEIRD.
PARTICULARLY ONLINE. WE BEHAVE ONLINE THE WAY WE
NEVER WOULD IN REAL LIFE. INSTAGRAM IS RAY GREAT EXAMPLE.
YOU AN SEE A PICTURE OF A GIRL IN A BIKINI AND YOU CAN LIKE IT.
IMAGINE DOING THAT IN REAL LIFE? "I LIKE THAT.
THAT IS ALL RIGHT, THAT IS. GIVE ME THE EGGPLANT.
I'M GOING TO WAVE A VEGETABLE AT A GIRL I DON'T KNOW."
WE LIVE IN BAFFLING TIMES. LOOK AT POLITICS.
THE LEFT ARE TOO LEFT AND SHE RIGHT ARE TOO RIGHT.
COVID'S NOT REAL. WE NEED REAL GUNS.
AND THE LEFT ARE JUST AS BAD-- "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO CALL
FEMALE FISHERMEN?" IT IS REAL, VAJANGLERS.
CAN WE NOT DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT MATTERS.
LOOK AT BRITISH POLITICS. IT'S PROOF THAT CREAM CAN RISE
TO THE TOP, BUT TURDS CAN FLOAT THERE, TOO.
OUR LEADER IS BORIS JOHNSON. OURS IS ASLEEP.
YOURS IS PASSED OUT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO
TUMBLE OUT OF HIS MOUTH. HIS BRAINS IS LIKE CARDS AGAINST
HUMANITY. AND HE'S IN CHARGE OF US!
HERE'S AN INTERESTING THING-- DID YOU KNOW THAT COUNTRIES RUN
BY WOMEN DID BETTER IN THE PANDEMIC THAN THE ONES RUN BY
MEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THAT IS SUCH A GREAT-- IT'S AN AMAZING REACTION.
THE WOMEN WERE ALL CHEERING AND YOU FEEL ALL THE FEALS GOING,
"WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY."
( LAUGHTER ) FOOTBALL TEAM, BUT I COULD
DEFINITELY..." IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME.
ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW ARE COMPASSIONATE, GOOD IN A CRISIS.
I WAS ON THE TUBE IN LONDON RECENTLY AND A LADY GOT STUCK IN
THE TRAIN DOOR. AND HER FRIEND RESCUED HER.
THEY'RE LIKE, "SARA." THEY WERE STROKING HER HAIR.
"I WAS SCARED, GIRL, I WAS SCARED."
IF THAT WAS A MAN, HE'D STILL BE IN THE DOOR.
"SERIOUSLY. SAY HELLO TO TIKTOK, MATE.
YOU'RE GOING VIRAL." ( LAUGHTER )
KNOW, THE FEMALE LEADERS.
THEY LOOKED AFTER THEIR NATIONS LIKE MUMS.
THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO, ISN'T IT? THEY PROTECT YOU.
THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THINGS YOU DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER.
REMEMBER WHEN UPPER FIVE AND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOUR
"ALL RIGHT, I WASN'T PLANNING ON SCISSIT.""
"DON'T PUT A KNIFE IN A PLUG SOCKET."
"AGAIN, NOT ON MY TO-DO LIST." THIS IS THE WEIRDEST.
WHEN YOU'RE EIGHT, "DON'T PUT TWO PENCILS UP YOUR NOSE AND
SMASH YOUR HEAD O A DESK." "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, MOM.
WE WERE LITERALLY ABOUT TO PLAY SUICIDE WALRUS.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?" THANK YOU O MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUSSELL ON THE U.S. LEG OF HIS WORLD COMEDY TOUR, "RESPITE."
TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT HIS WEBSITE.
RUSSEL HOWARD, EVERYBODY! THANKS, RUSSELL.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE JULIA IOFFE AND THOMAS LENNON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.