1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:04,904 RUSSIAN TROOPS COULD BE ARRIVING IN UKRAINE AT ANY 2 00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:07,807 MOMENT, THAT AFTER VLADIMIR PUTIN ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL 3 00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:12,145 SEND WHAT HE CALLS PEACEKEEPING FORCES INTO TWO PRO-MOSCOW 4 00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:14,814 UKRAINIAN TERRITORIES HE RECOGNIZED AS INDEPENDENT TODAY. 5 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:18,318 BUT LET'S BE REAL HERE. THESE ARE NOT PEACEKEEPERS. 6 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:22,088 THESE ARE RUSSIAN TROOPS, NEARLY 20,000 OF THEM. 7 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:25,458 THEY'RE NOT KEEPING THE PEACE. ♪ ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:26,926 >> WANT TO LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE? TRY "ROSETTA STONE, PUTIN 9 00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:30,830 EDITION." WE'LL TEACH YOU TO SPEAK JUST 10 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:33,900 LIKE THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT. FOR INSTANCE... 11 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:36,302 PEACEKEEPERS. 12 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:40,740 BARBER. 13 00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:44,411 JOURNALIST EXIT. 14 00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:46,780 AND... 15 00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:50,817 PIZZA DELIVERY. WITH EACH LESSON, YOU'LL GET 16 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,886 CLOSER TO SPEAKING LIKE A MINIATURE DICTATOR. 17 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:58,792 BUSINESS CASUAL. 18 00:00:58,858 --> 00:01:00,927 SO ORDER "ROSETTA STONE, PUTIN EDITION" TODAY, AND LET US 19 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:04,764 INVADE YOUR VOCABULARY. 20 00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,833 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 21 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,603 TONIGHT: 22 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:14,808 SAY IT AIN'T SOVIET. 23 00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:18,812 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN TURTURRO 24 00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:21,381 AND JOHN AVLON 25 00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:26,619 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 26 00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:30,824 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 27 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:34,894 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 28 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:40,733 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:54,814 >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 30 00:01:54,881 --> 00:02:04,023 >> Jon: WOOO! YOU THE MAN! 31 00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:05,158 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 32 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,594 THANK YOU, SO MUCH. HELLO, FRIENDS. 33 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,362 HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY. 34 00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,731 HAPPY TUESDAY. THANK YOU. 35 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,802 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 36 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,003 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- 37 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:24,544 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE ALL KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN 38 00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:25,778 CONTINUES TO HAPPEN AT A SLIGHTLY FASTER PACE. 39 00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:29,482 YOU SEE, FOR WEEKS, VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS BEEN AMASSING TROOPS 40 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:32,852 ON THE UKRAINIAN BORDER, ESPECIALLY NEAR THE BREAKAWAY 41 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,988 UKRAINIAN PROVINCES OF DONETSK AND LUHANSK. 42 00:02:35,054 --> 00:02:37,790 WELL, YESTERDAY, PUTIN UNILATERALLY DECLARED THEM 43 00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:42,595 INDEPENDENT REPUBLICS, AND THEN DIRECTED RUSSIAN DEFENSE 44 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:43,830 MINISTRY TO DEPLOY TROOPS IN THOSE REGIONS. 45 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:47,834 SMART. HE DECLARES THEM INDEPENDENT, 46 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:53,840 AND THEN WHEN HE SENDS TROOPS CAN IN, HE CAN TECHNICALLY SAY, 47 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,775 THAT'S NOT AN INVASION OF UKRAINE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT 48 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:59,078 UKRAINE ANYMORE." AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MOST 49 00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:05,952 IMPORTANT WEAPON IS HIS SHARPIE. ( LAUGHTER ) 50 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:11,724 INTO A PLACE THAT'S NOT HIS COUNTRY? 51 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:13,560 HE CLAIMS IT'S TO CARRY OUT "PEACEKEEPING FUNCTIONS." 52 00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:15,695 AND IT'S TRUE. ( AS PUTIN ) 53 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:22,402 I KEEP THAT PIECE OF UKRAINE. I KEEP ALL THE PIECES OF 54 00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:24,804 UKRAINE. I AM PEACEKEEPING." 55 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:29,976 HE'S HAVING, HE'S GRABBING. AND THESE TWO REGIONS COULD BE 56 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,778 JUST THE BEGINNING, BECAUSE HE GAVE EVERY INDICATION THAT HE 57 00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:35,782 WANTS THE WHOLE PIEROGI: >> I WOULD LIKE TO REITERATE 58 00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:39,819 THAT UKRAINE IS JUST NOT OUR NEIGHBORING COUNTRY. 59 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:43,790 IT'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR OWN HISTORY, CULTURE, AND SPIRITUAL 60 00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:49,729 SPACE. HISTORICALLY, PEOPLE FROM THIS 61 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,798 TERRITORY WERE CALLED RUSSIANS. >> Stephen: NOW, UKRAINIAN 62 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:55,702 EXPERTS HAVE POINTED OUT THAT NOTHING PUTIN JUST SAID IS TRUE. 63 00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:59,572 AND I CAN VERIFY THAT, BECAUSE I USED TO LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD 64 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:01,774 IN CHICAGO, CALLED "THE UKRAINIAN VILLAGE," NOT "THE 65 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,944 RUSSIAN VILLAGE." ( LAUGHTER ) 66 00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:12,285 CHURCH, A UKRAINIAN ORTHODOX CHURCH, UKRAINIAN DELIS, 67 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,555 UKRAINIAN BARBERS. WHEN I LIVED THERE, BACK IN 68 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,824 DECEMBER OF 1991, THE UKRAINIANS WERE HOLDING AN INDEPENDENCE 69 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:19,792 REFERENDUM, AND I WENT INTO THIS BARBER SHOP, AND I SAID, "YOU'RE 70 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:25,665 UKRAINIAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO 71 00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:30,069 HAPPEN IN THE VOTE TOMORROW?" HE WAS SO HAPPY THAT AN AMERICAN 72 00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:31,771 KID TOOK AN INTEREST IN THE INDEPENDENCE OF UKRAINE THAT HE 73 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,974 TURNED ME AWAY FROM THE MIRROR AND WALKED AROUND ME FOR TWO 74 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:41,280 HOURS CUTTING MY HAIR, SO HE HAD SOMEBODY TO TALK TO. 75 00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:42,815 UNTIL ALL I HAD LEFT WERE WHITE WALLS AND A LITTLE TUFT ON TOP 76 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:46,052 LIKE A KATZENJAMMER KID. HE DID TO MY HEAD WHAT RUSSIA 77 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,820 WANTS TO DO TO UKRAINE. AND IF I HAD CALLED HIM A 78 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,789 RUSSIAN? HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE 79 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:55,094 "SWEENEY TODD." ( LAUGHTER ) 80 00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:59,732 THEY HELD THAT REF COUPLE DUMB IN UKRAINE, AND 92% OF THE 81 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:03,870 UKRAINIAN POPULATION VOTED FOR INDEPENDENCE FROM THE SOVIET 82 00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:05,772 UNION. NO ONE CAN DISPUTE THAT KIND OF 83 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:13,813 MARGIN, NOT EVEN RUSSIA'S BIGGEST CABLE NEWS CELEBRITY, 84 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,483 THE "MY TURNIP GUY." IN HIS SPEECH, JUST LAST NIGHT, 85 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:22,188 PUTIN LIED SOME MORE. >> MODERN UKRAINE FROM THE 86 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:23,956 BEGINNING, AND IT'S TOTALITY HAS BEEN CREATED BY RUSSIA." 87 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:33,566 >> Stephen: TO PROVE PUTIN WRONG, AFTER HE MADE THAT CLAIM, 88 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,735 THE UNITED STATES EMBASSY IN KYIV TWEETED OUT THESE FOUR 89 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,806 CHURCHES IN KYIV DATING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE 10th CENTURY, 90 00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:43,443 NEXT TO THE EMPTY FOREST THAT MOSCOW WAS IN THE SAME PERIOD. 91 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:47,814 OH, SNAP! YOU JUST GOT ST. PETERS-BURNED! 92 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:56,122 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT TO BE OUT-MEMED, PUTIN THEN 93 00:05:56,189 --> 00:06:00,426 TWEETED, "I CAN HAZ UCRAIN?" ( LAUGHTER ) 94 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:05,832 OLDY BUT A GOODIE. FOLLOWING ALL THIS, THE WHITE 95 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:10,203 HOUSE INITIALLY AVOIDED CALLING PUTIN'S TROOP MOVEMENTS AN 96 00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:11,804 INVASION AND IMPOSED LIGHT SANCTIONS BARRING NEW 97 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:15,775 INVESTMENT, TRADE, AND FINANCING BY U.S. PERSONS TO, FROM, OR IN 98 00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:20,079 THE SO-CALLED DONETSK PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC AND THE LUHANSK 99 00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:23,349 PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC. WELL, THAT'S A DISASTER FOR 100 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:27,820 ANYONE INVESTED IN THE UKRAINIAN COFFEE CHAIN: DUNKIN' DONETSK. 101 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:32,225 ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ) 102 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:37,964 BUT TODAY, BUT TODAY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 103 00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:42,068 BECAUSE JOE BIDEN SPOKE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND LAID OUT 104 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:46,873 SOME TOUGH PENALTIES: >> WE'RE IMPLEMENTING FULL 105 00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:51,811 BLOCKING SANCTIONS ON TWO LARGE RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS, 106 00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:58,751 V.E.B. AND THEIR MILITARY BANK. WE'RE IMPLEMENTING COMPREHENSIVE 107 00:06:58,818 --> 00:06:59,886 SANCTIONS ON RUSSIAN'S SOVEREIGN DEBT. 108 00:06:59,952 --> 00:07:01,888 THAT MEANS WE'VE CUT OFF RUSSIA'S GOVERNMENT FROM WESTERN 109 00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:05,925 FINANCING. IT CAN NO LONGER RAISE MONEY 110 00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:07,960 FROM THE WEST AND CANNOT TRADE IN ITS NEW DEBT ON OUR MARKETS 111 00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:13,833 OR EUROPEAN MARKETS, EITHER. >> Stephen: SO, THAT MEANS NO 112 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,802 RUSSIAN MONEY IN THE U.S.-- THERE GOES TUCKER CARLSON'S 113 00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:19,806 SPONSORS. ( LAUGHTER ) 114 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:34,754 ♪ ♪ ♪ THE ADMINISTRATION, ALONG WITH 115 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:35,855 ♪ ♪ ♪ THE ADMINISTRATION, ALONG WITH 116 00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:39,525 ALLIES FROM ASIA, ARE ALSO CONSIDERING EVEN HARSHER 117 00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:42,461 SANCTIONS THAT WOULD CUT OFF RUSSIA FROM THE HIGH TECH THAT 118 00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:47,834 HELPS WARPLANES AND PASSENGER JETS FLY AND MAKES SMARTPHONES 119 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:51,537 SMART. WHEN THESE SANCTIONS TAKE 120 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:52,605 EFFECT, YOUR iPHONE IN RUSSIA'S GONNA SOUND LIKE: 121 00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:54,473 >> "HEY, SIRI, GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO ST. PETERSBURG." 122 00:07:54,540 --> 00:08:05,418 >> "DAAAARRRRR. I DUNNO." 123 00:08:05,484 --> 00:08:07,286 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT. 124 00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:08,554 THE SENATE IS PREPARING ITS OWN LIST OF SANCTIONS AND, 125 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:11,023 REPORTEDLY, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS ARE ITCHING TO SANCTION PUTIN'S 126 00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:11,991 ROMANTIC PARTNER. PUTIN'S ROMANTIC PARTNER? 127 00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,893 SO, THE HORSE? ( LAUGHTER ) 128 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:21,734 SOA WHOA! WHOA! 129 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:27,773 OUR ALLIES ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE SANCTION GAME. 130 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:33,713 SPECIFICALLY, GERMAN CHANCELLOR AND HERR MAGOO, OLAF SCHOLZ. 131 00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:37,783 THIS MORNING, DESPITE HIS NATION'S RELIANCE ON RUSSIAN 132 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:41,754 ENERGY, SCHOLZ ANNOUNCED THAT THE GERMANS WOULD SUSPEND ITS 133 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,789 CERTIFICATION OF THE RUSSIA-TO-GERMANY NORD STREAM 2 134 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,826 NATURAL GAS PIPELINE. WHICH MEANS GERMANY'S GOING TO 135 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:47,927 HAVE TO RELY ON THEIR OWN SOURCE OF NATURAL GAS: EATING 136 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:51,631 SAUERKRAUT. ( LAUGHTER ) 137 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:55,801 PATRIOTIC CAMPAIGN: "BEAT PUTIN! 138 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,770 GET TOOTIN'." I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE 139 00:08:57,837 --> 00:09:00,539 THAT EFFECTIVE. I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE-- 140 00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:03,476 ( APPLAUSE ). THAT'S NOT DIGNIFIED ENOUGH FOR 141 00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:06,479 YOU? GROW UP! 142 00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:09,482 GERMANY SHUTTING DOWN THE PIPELINE LED FORMER RUSSIAN 143 00:09:09,548 --> 00:09:11,984 PRIME MINISTER DMITRY MEDVEDEV TO TWEET ABOUT THE 144 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:15,788 HIGH-PRICED NATURAL GAS THEY'LL NOW FACE: "WELCOME TO THE NEW 145 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:22,762 WORLD WHERE EUROPEANS WOULD SOON HAVE TO PAY 2,000 EUROS PER 146 00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,798 1,000 CUBIC METERS!" WHOA, THAT IS A LOT! 147 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:28,134 OR A LITTLE. ( LAUGHTER ) 148 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,470 TO ME. ( LAUGHTER ) 149 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:35,808 TEMPERATURE? I DON'T-- IT'S A LITTLE NUMBER? 150 00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:39,812 I DON'T... THAT BAD? OF COURSE, THE COUNTRY MOST 151 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:45,051 AFFECTED BY THE INVASION OF UKRAINE MIGHT JUST BE UKRAINE, 152 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:51,324 WHICH, CONTRARY TO WHAT PUTIN THINKS, IS A COUNTRY, LED BY 153 00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:55,361 GROWN-UP EDDIE MUNSTER, VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. 154 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,531 IN LIGHT OF PUTIN'S AGGRESSION, ZELENSKY NOW SAYS HE IS 155 00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:02,001 CONSIDERING A REQUEST FROM UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTRY TO 156 00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,537 SEVER DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS BETWEEN UKRAINE AND THE RUSSIAN 157 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:09,775 FEDERATION. THAT'S RIGHT, HES "CONSIDERING." 158 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:11,010 IT'S LIKE JULIUS CAESAR FAMOUSLY SAID AS HE WAS BEING STABBED 159 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,179 TO DEATH: "ET TU, BRUTE? 160 00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:14,547 I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ASKING YOU TO RETURN YOUR 161 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:18,551 FRIENDSHIP BRACELET." ( LAUGHTER ) 162 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:23,155 JUST CONSIDERING IT, JON. >> Jon: CONSIDERING IT. 163 00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:28,527 >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL. >> Jon: THE BRACELET 164 00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,296 >> Stephen: SO ALL THIS MAKES FOR A VERY STRESSFUL AND 165 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,931 UNCERTAIN TIME ON THE GROUND IN UKRAINE. 166 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:35,468 BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE: 167 00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:36,836 MULTI-LINGUAL A.P. REPORTER PHILIP CROWTHER, WHO POSTED THIS 168 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:38,738 VIDEO: ( IN ENGLISH ) 169 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:46,545 RUSSIAN-BACKED FORCES. ( IN LUXEMBOURGISH ) 170 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:56,355 ( IN PORTUGUESE ) ( IN GERMAN ) 171 00:10:56,422 --> 00:11:02,595 THAT'S... ( APPLAUSE ) 172 00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:10,870 >> Stephen: THAT LOOKS IMPRESSIVE, BUT IF YOU TRANSLATE 173 00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:14,173 IT, HE'S JUST REPEATING THE PHRASE, "WHERE IS THE LIBARY? 174 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:18,577 I MUST USE THE BATHROOM URGENTLY." 175 00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:22,581 ( LAUGHTER ) FOR YEARS, THE U.S. WOMEN'S 176 00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:26,085 SOCCER PLAYERS HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR EQUAL PAY, AND THIS 177 00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:28,521 MORNING, THE U.S. SOCCER FEDERATION AND WOMEN'S PLAYERS 178 00:11:28,587 --> 00:11:30,556 AGREED TO SETTLE THEIR LAWSUIT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 179 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:38,330 THEY DID IT! HELL, YEAH! 180 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,533 I CAN'T BELIEVE-- IT'S A GREAT THING. 181 00:11:40,599 --> 00:11:50,576 IT'S A WONDERFUL OUTCOME. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK SO LONG 182 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:55,514 TO REACH THIS GOOOAAAL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 183 00:11:55,581 --> 00:12:02,555 FIGHT OVER EQUAL PAY. SIX YEARS! 184 00:12:02,621 --> 00:12:07,393 SO, HALF A SOCCER GAME? I DON'T... IT'S IN METRIC, SO I 185 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,229 DON'T-- I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND. 186 00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,098 THE NEW AGREEMENT INCLUDES A PLEDGE FROM THE FEDERATION TO 187 00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:14,166 EQUALIZE PAY FOR THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S NATIONAL TEAMS. 188 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,602 AND THE ATHLETES INVOLVED IN THE LAWSUIT WILL RECEIVE $24 189 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,003 MILLION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 190 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:22,575 THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S REALLY GOOD. 191 00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:27,746 >> Jon: THAT'S NICE! >> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT. 192 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:28,948 BUT KEEP IN MIND, THEY'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO SPEND IT WITH THEIR 193 00:12:29,014 --> 00:12:30,382 FEET. THAT 24 MIL DIDN'T COME OUT OF 194 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:34,520 NOWHERE. THE BULK OF THE FIGURE IS BACK 195 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:38,357 PAY, A TACIT ADMISSION THAT COMPENSATION FOR THE MEN'S AND 196 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,259 WOMEN'S TEAMS HAS BEEN UNEQUAL FOR YEARS. 197 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,894 THEY'RE ADMITTING IT. THEY'RE ADMITTING IT. 198 00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:44,296 MEN AND WOMEN'S SOCCER PAY HAS BEEN UNEQUAL FOR YEARS. 199 00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,699 KIND OF LIKE THEIR WORLD CUP VICTORIES. 200 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:52,538 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT. 201 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,841 MY GUESTS ARE JOHN TURTURRO AND CNN'S JOHN AVLON. 202 00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:59,044 BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE." ♪ ♪ ♪ 203 00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:43,489 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, Y'ALL. 204 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:54,166 RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 205 00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:59,171 I'M VERY EXCITED. TWO OF MY FAVORITE JOHNS ARE 206 00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:01,473 GOING TO BE ON HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. 207 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:05,978 OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. YOU'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, JON THE 208 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,580 GREAT, TRULY A TREASURE, JOHN TURTURRO IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE 209 00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:10,849 IN A WHILE. AND FROM CNN, I'VE KNOWN THIS 210 00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:14,486 MAN FOR MANY YEARS, JOHN AVLON WILL BE ON HERE. 211 00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,822 JON, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW ON SATURDAY NIGHT? 212 00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:21,660 I SAW "THE MUSIC MAN." RGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM HERE. 213 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:25,864 THE THING ABOUT IT-- ONE OF THE REASONS IT FELT SO GREAT TO SEE 214 00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:29,435 THIS MUSICAL-- BY THE WAY, EVERYONE GO SEE THIS MUSICAL. 215 00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:33,539 WE WOULD ALL BE HEALED AS A NATION IF WE ALL WENT TO SEE 216 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,374 THIS MUSICAL. IT'S JUST TELLING YOU A GOOD 217 00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,009 STORY, TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. 218 00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:40,179 BUT DO YOU KNOW, WE WERE IN THIS BUILDING ON AND OFF FOR-- HOW 219 00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:41,847 LONG WERE WE OUT OF THIS BUILDING? 220 00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,416 WE WERE OUT OF THE BUILDING FOR FIVE MONTHS, AND THEN IN THIS 221 00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:47,286 BUILDING FOR ANOTHER 15 MONTHS IN A LITTLE ROOM. 222 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,188 AND I WAS IN MY OFFICE PART OF THE TIME. 223 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:53,592 AND I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW, AND EVERY DAY I WOULD LOOK AT "THE 224 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:57,796 MUSIC MAN" MARQUEE RIGHT DOWN THE STREET. 225 00:14:57,863 --> 00:15:00,566 THE ENTIRE WORLD SHUT DOWN TWO WEEKS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED 226 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,235 TO OPEN TWO YEARS AGO. ASK THEY JUST OPENED ON FEBRUARY 227 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:06,872 10, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND GOING TO SEE THAT REALLY 228 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:09,541 FELT VERY HOPEFUL. I THINK IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS 229 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:11,577 THE ODD YEFNS SO LIT AND THE CAST SO JOYFUL. 230 00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:17,149 THEY FELT LIKE, OKAY, THIS WAS LIKE AN EMERGENCE, COMING OUT OF 231 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:20,119 HIBERNATION OR SOMETHING, AND I HOPE WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE IN 232 00:15:20,185 --> 00:15:23,589 PUBLIC TOGETHER WITHOUT MASKS, HUGGING WITHOUT FEAR, SOON. 233 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,591 >> Jon: DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY. 234 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,793 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Jon: DEFINITELY. 235 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:35,267 >> Stephen: THERE, I SAID IT. WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE? 236 00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:41,573 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW 237 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,310 I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE 238 00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:45,811 DAY'S BIG STORIES, SELECTING THE FINEST NEWS TENORS AND THE 239 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,579 SILKIEST SOPRANOS. THEN, I BRUSH UP ON THE WORKS OF 240 00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:50,549 CERVANTES AND FIND THE PERFECT SWEET SPOT BETWEEN DRAMA, HUMOR, 241 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,184 AND OPERA TO COMPOSE FOR YOU THE TIMELESS AND SEDUCTIVE SPANISH 242 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:56,255 ZARZUELA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 243 00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,324 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE FREEZER OF A 244 00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,059 COMBINATION TACO BELL AND PIZZA HUT ON THE EXPRESSWAY, I CUT A 245 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,562 PAIR OF LEG HOLES INTO A POTATO SACK AND RACE BAREFOOT INTO THE 246 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,098 CITY TO BREAK INTO AN ABANDONED DOLLAR STORE, WHERE I FASHION A 247 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:11,170 PAIR OF CASTANETS FROM DEFECTIVE CHATTERING TEETH TOYS. 248 00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:15,407 THEN I DOWN A JERRY CAN FULL OF RED BULL AND COUGH MEDICINE 249 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,276 BEFORE STAGGERING INTO A PUBLIC PARK TO DISTURB TOURISTS WITH 250 00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:23,582 THE DRIFTER'S FLAMENCO SHOWCASE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 251 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:30,989 >> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 252 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:38,764 ♪ OH, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪ 253 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,567 MEANWHILE, SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS JUST GOT WORSE FOR CAR BUYERS, 254 00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:44,937 BECAUSE A CARGO SHIP FULL OF LUXURY CARS IS ON FIRE AND 255 00:16:45,003 --> 00:16:49,842 ADRIFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC. 256 00:16:49,908 --> 00:16:51,577 SO EITHER A TERRIBLE INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT, OR THEY'RE FILMING THE 257 00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:56,448 NEW SEQUEL, "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: 2 WET 2 FLAMING." 258 00:16:56,515 --> 00:17:02,654 AS FOR THE BUYERS OF THOSE AUTOS, PORSCHE SAYS THAT 259 00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:05,591 CUSTOMERS WITH CARS ON BOARD THE BURNING SHIP ARE BEING CONTACTED 260 00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:10,462 BY THEIR DEALERS. I'D LOVE TO HEAR THAT CALL: 261 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:15,567 >> "HELLO, MR. JOHNSON? REMEMBER HOW YOU DECLINED THE 262 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:22,274 PROTECTIVE UNDERCOATING? I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS, BUDDY. 263 00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:24,576 MEANWHILE, EVER SINCE "THE NEW YORK TIMES" BOUGHT WORDLE A FEW 264 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,479 WEEKS AGO, PLAYERS HAVE BEEN AFRAID THAT THE GAME WOULD 265 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:32,151 CHANGE, AND IT HAS, BECAUSE NOW THERE'S A SLEW OF AD TRACKING 266 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,487 TECH ON A GAME ONCE LAUDED FOR HAVING NONE AT ALL. 267 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:40,025 IN OTHER WORDS, WORDLE IS WATCHING YOU. 268 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:43,595 FINE, WHATEVER. BUT IF IT'S WATCHING, CAN IT 269 00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,331 PITCH IN AND TELL ME IF THE "O" ISN'T THE SECOND LETTER, BUT 270 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,866 IT'S ALSO NOT THE THIRD LETTER, HOW CAN IT NOT BE OCEAN?! 271 00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:53,572 SAY SOMETHING! ( APPLAUSE ) 272 00:17:53,639 --> 00:18:03,582 MEANWHILE, AN AUCTION HOUSE IN NEW YORK HAS A PIECE OF SPORTS 273 00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,951 MEMORABILIA ON THE BLOCK: A CIGAR THAT MICHAEL JORDAN 274 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:15,561 SMOKED, WITH A STARTING BID OF $500. 275 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:23,068 IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING, "ONE $500 TRASH." 276 00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:27,539 MEANWHILE, A RACCOON FELL THROUGH THE CEILING INTO A 277 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,875 PACKED L.S.U. DINING HALL. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY, 278 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,211 TOMORROW'S DINING HALL SPECIAL IS "CEILING MEAT JAMBALAYA." 279 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:39,585 CEILING MEAT. ( APPLAUSE ) 280 00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:50,529 EXCITED ABOUT TODAY BEING 2/22/22-- 281 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:54,399 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE IT'S A PALINDROME! 282 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:58,003 AND THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY RARE, BECAUSE IT LANDED ON A TUESDAY 283 00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,605 AND IS, THEREFORE, BEING CALLED "TWOSDAY." 284 00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:03,876 THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED WAS 400 YEARS AGO, IN 1622, WHEN 285 00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:07,112 THEY CALLED IT "SATAN'S ALIGNMENT," AND EVERY VILLAGE 286 00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:11,583 BURNT TWO REDHEADS TO SAVE THE CROPS. 287 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,654 ( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING NAMED 288 00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:23,228 "WORLD TWOSDAY" WITH THE MESSAGE "LET'S MAKE IT A DAY OF TAKING 289 00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:25,264 CARE OF OURSELVES. WHAT DO YOU DO TO MAKE IT A GOOD 290 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:26,098 DAY FOR YOURSELF? YOGA? 291 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:29,334 READING? SEE A GOOD FRIEND? 292 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:32,838 SPENDING TIME IN NATURE?" ME, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND BINGE 293 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:38,143 "EUPHORIA" WHILE EATING AN ENTIRE KROGER SHEET CAKE. 294 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:42,281 OR, AS I CALL IT: "TUESDAY." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 295 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:48,186 ♪ THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪ 296 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:53,559 WELL, IN HONOR OF TWOSDAY, TONIGHT'S "MEANWHILE" IS BROUGHT 297 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:55,227 TO YOU BY THE NUMBER 2! AND WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL 298 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:58,263 GUEST. COME ON OUT AND SAY HELLO TO 299 00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,567 EVERYBODY. THE NUMBER 2, EVERYBODY. 300 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:02,267 >> WHOOOO! ARE YOU READY TWO 301 00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,402 PARTAYYYYYYYY?! GET IT? 302 00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:04,069 TWO! TWO! 303 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,070 TWO! TWO! 304 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:09,174 WHAT'S UP, STEVE! LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE! 305 00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:12,177 >> Stephen: WELL, HELLO, UH, 2. YOU CERTAINLY DO SEEM TO BE 306 00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:15,213 ENJOYING THE DAY. >> I'VE HAD 2 FIFTHS OF BOURBON, 307 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,217 2 BOTTLES OF ADDERALL I STOLE FROM 2 DIFFERENT PHARMACIES, AND 308 00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:26,124 2 LOVERS! IT WAS 6 AND 9. 309 00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:27,459 ♪ CUZ, TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 2-2-22 ♪ 310 00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:32,164 WHOO! I WANNA FIST FIGHT A STOP SIGN! 311 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:36,902 >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE TONE I WAS EXPECTING, NUMBER 312 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,204 2. YOU'RE GOING PRETTY HARD THERE. 313 00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:40,939 >> I AM GONNA MAKE THOSE PRUDES AT "SESAME STREET" REGRET FIRING 314 00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,675 ME! I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS BLASTED 315 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:49,481 SINCE I HUNG WITH NUMBER 3 ON MARCH 3, 1333. 316 00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:53,652 WE STOLE AN OX CART AND CRASHED IT INTO A BLACKSMITH'S! 317 00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:55,187 THAT CHICK IS SKETCH A.F. STOLE MY BOYFRIEND. 318 00:20:55,253 --> 00:21:01,326 DO NOT LEND HER MONEY. MORE PILLS! 319 00:21:01,393 --> 00:21:06,031 ( APPLAUSE ) HER! 320 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,032 DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY? 321 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,201 >> SHUT UP, STEVE! THIS IS MY TIME! 322 00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:11,203 YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. THIS HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THE 323 00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:15,273 17th CENTURY. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN 400 324 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:18,644 YEARS! ASK ME WHO IT WAS. 325 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:21,213 >> Stephen: LOOK, IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY-- 326 00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:27,219 >> GALILEO! THAT TELESCOPE WASN'T THE ONLY 327 00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:31,223 THING THAT EXPANDS. HE. WENT. TO. TOWN. ON. THIS. 328 00:21:31,289 --> 00:21:35,293 WHOO! WHOO! 329 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,631 >> Stephen: I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN, 2, BUT I HEARD TODAY 330 00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:40,766 IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SELF- CARE. 331 00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,201 >> THIS IS SELF-CARE! I'M CELEBRATING ME FOR ONCE! 332 00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:47,205 MY NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH TAKING A DUMP, AND I COME SECOND 333 00:21:47,272 --> 00:21:51,209 AT LITERALLY EVERYTHING! WHY? 334 00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:56,281 OH, BECAUSE OF YOU-KNOW-WHO. ( MOCKING ) 335 00:21:56,348 --> 00:21:57,382 YOU WERE BORN INTO IT! SCREW HER! 336 00:21:57,449 --> 00:22:02,454 LET'S MAKE OUT! >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO THANK 337 00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:03,388 YOU. >> THEN FIGHT ME! 338 00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:04,289 I CAN'T B KILLED! >> Stephen: THE NUMBER 2, 339 00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:07,225 EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN 340 00:22:07,292 --> 00:22:08,660 TURTURRO. ♪ ♪ ♪ 341 00:22:29,481 --> 00:22:36,655 FANTASTIC. HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK! 342 00:22:36,722 --> 00:22:40,926 TO THE BEST SHOW ON BROADWAY. WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 343 00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:44,896 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU 344 00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:49,434 KNOW FROM "O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?" "THE NIGHT OF," AND "THE 345 00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:51,303 BIG LEBOWSKI." HIS NEW FILM IS "THE BATMAN." 346 00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:56,408 >> SOME EVENT, HUH. THE ONE GUY IN THE CITY MORE 347 00:22:56,475 --> 00:23:00,612 RECLUSIVE THAN ME. >> BUT YOU NEVER LEAVE THE 348 00:23:00,679 --> 00:23:02,114 SHORELINE. AREN'T YOU AFRAID SOMEBODY WILL 349 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:05,283 TAKE A SHOT AT YOU? >> WHY, BECAUSE YOUR FATHER 350 00:23:05,350 --> 00:23:07,819 ISN'T AROUND. YOU KNOW BRUCE WAYNE? 351 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:11,590 HIS FATHER SAVED MY LIFE. I GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST, RIGHT 352 00:23:11,656 --> 00:23:13,158 HERE. I COULDN'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL, 353 00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:17,429 SO WE SHOWED UP ON HIS DOORSTEP. OPERATED RIGHT ON THE DINING 354 00:23:17,496 --> 00:23:23,201 ROOM TABLE. KID HERE, HE SAW THE WHOLE 355 00:23:23,268 --> 00:23:26,938 THING, UP ON THE STAIRS LOOKING DOWN. 356 00:23:27,005 --> 00:23:30,976 I REMEMBER YOUR FACE. YOU DON'T THINK THAT MEANT 357 00:23:31,042 --> 00:23:36,047 SOMEBODY HE DID THAT? >> IT MEANS THE HIPPOCRATIC 358 00:23:36,114 --> 00:23:39,651 OATH. >> HIPPOCRATIC OATH. 359 00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:43,421 THAT'S GOOD. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK 360 00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:45,957 TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN TURTURRO! 361 00:23:46,024 --> 00:24:00,906 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 362 00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:03,175 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 363 00:24:03,241 --> 00:24:10,649 >> PEOPLE! WOW, NICE TO SEE THEM. 364 00:24:10,715 --> 00:24:15,387 >> Stephen: ISN'T IT PLEASANT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 365 00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:18,490 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 366 00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:19,825 THANKS FOR BEING BACK. >> THANK YOU. 367 00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:22,527 >> Stephen: TIME DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE 368 00:24:22,594 --> 00:24:25,363 LAST COUPLE OF YEARS. >> NO, WE'RE ALL ON ZOOM. 369 00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:27,799 >> Stephen: BUT THE THING IS THAT I JUST FOUND OUT MOMENTS 370 00:24:27,866 --> 00:24:30,335 AGO WHEN I WAS TALKING TO MY PRODUCER, THE LAST TIME YOU WERE 371 00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:34,573 HERE WAS FEBRUARY 27, 2020. IT'S RIGHT BEFORE EVERYTHING 372 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:35,540 SHUT DOWN. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 373 00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:36,908 >> Stephen: AND IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK. 374 00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:40,478 >> IT'S LOVELY TO BE BACK. >> Stephen: AFTER TWO YEARS. 375 00:24:40,545 --> 00:24:43,348 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). AND THAT-- THAT WAS THE DAY 376 00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:45,217 BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY, RIGHT? >> YEAH. 377 00:24:45,283 --> 00:24:49,054 >> Stephen: THE DAY BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY, FEBRUARY 28. 378 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,523 AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT A WEEK AWAY FROM YOUR BIRTHDAY. 379 00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:53,425 THANK YOU FOR MAKE IT A TRADITION TO CELEBRATE. 380 00:24:53,491 --> 00:24:56,461 >> EVERY TWO YEARS, IT'S LIKE A HALF A LEAP YEAR. 381 00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:58,997 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE THE BIG 6-5. 382 00:24:59,064 --> 00:25:00,532 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: GOT ANY PLANS? 383 00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:03,835 HOW ARE YOU CELEBRATING? >> I'M NOT RETIRING. 384 00:25:03,902 --> 00:25:06,471 >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, BUT STILL COLLECT THE SOCIAL 385 00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:07,272 SECURITY. >> YEAH. 386 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,540 >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN PAYING IN. 387 00:25:08,607 --> 00:25:12,410 >> THEY SEND YOU THAT A.A.R.P. STUFF AND I PUT IT IN THE 388 00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:13,645 GARBAGE. >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO 389 00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:16,982 HAVE A PARTY, A BIG CELEBRATION? >> I'M HAVING DINNER WITH MY 390 00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:18,416 FAMILY. >> Stephen: WE JUST SAW A CLIP 391 00:25:18,483 --> 00:25:24,089 OF YOU IN THE NEW MOVIE "THE BATMAN." 392 00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:28,760 "THE BATMAN." YOU'RE PLAYING CARMINE FALCONE. 393 00:25:28,827 --> 00:25:30,829 >> RIGHT. >> Stephen: MY BOSS IN THE 394 00:25:30,896 --> 00:25:33,865 CITY. >> HE'S IN THE COMICS, YOU KNOW. 395 00:25:33,932 --> 00:25:36,534 THE FRANK MILLER COMICS, YEAR ONE, THE LAST HALLOWEEN. 396 00:25:36,601 --> 00:25:41,740 >> Stephen: AND UPSET ROBERT PATTINSON'S BATMAN. 397 00:25:41,806 --> 00:25:45,043 I DON'T ASSOCIATE YOU NECESSARILY WITH PLAYING DEADLY 398 00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:47,946 BADDIE. LIKE YOU'RE A BAD GUY WHO COULD 399 00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:50,315 KILL YOU. >> I PLAYED BAD GUYS WHEN I WAS 400 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,651 YOUNGER, AND THEN I TRIED TO, YOU KNOW, GET AWAY FROM THAT A 401 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:56,454 LITTLE BIT. BUT I PLAYED A FEW BAD GUYS IN 402 00:25:56,521 --> 00:25:57,756 MY DAY. >> Stephen: SURE. 403 00:25:57,822 --> 00:26:01,626 >> "MILLER'S CROSSING." >> Stephen: BERNIE BERNBALM IS 404 00:26:01,693 --> 00:26:04,729 A WEAK BAD GUY. >> HE'S SORT OF THE MAN BEHIND 405 00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:08,233 THE CURTAIN, SORT OF THE PREDATOR WHO OFFERS SERVICES TO 406 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:12,470 PEOPLE AS A BENEFACTOR, AND THEN HE KIND OF, YOU KNOW, OWNS THEM. 407 00:26:12,537 --> 00:26:16,574 >> Stephen: RIGHT IT'S VERY MENACING. 408 00:26:16,641 --> 00:26:18,977 EVEN THAT LITTLE CLIP. >> I-- WHEN YOU PLAY A BAD GUY, 409 00:26:19,044 --> 00:26:22,948 IT'S KIND OF FUN BECAUSE YOU GET TO BE SORT OF IRRESPONSIBLE IN 410 00:26:23,014 --> 00:26:24,482 SOME WAYS. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 411 00:26:24,549 --> 00:26:27,018 YOU DON'T HAVE TO, LIKE-- >> YOU GET TO DO THINGS THAT YOU 412 00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:30,855 CAN'T DO AT HOME. >> Stephen: OH, SURE? 413 00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:33,825 >> NOT WASHING DISHES. NOT HAVE YOUR WIFE TELL YOU, 414 00:26:33,892 --> 00:26:38,830 "WHAT ARE YOU DOOR, STEPHEN?" BUT, YOU KNOW, I KIND OF GREW UP 415 00:26:38,897 --> 00:26:42,167 NOT THAT-- MY FATHER WAS A BUILDER AND HE WAS A VERY HONEST 416 00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:45,537 GUY, BUT HE HAD PLENTY OF JOBS WHERE HE HAD TO WORK FOR THESE 417 00:26:45,603 --> 00:26:48,840 TYPE OF PEOPLE. AND HE USED TO ALWAYS-- HE 418 00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:52,711 WORKED FOR THIS ONE PARTICULAR GUY WHO WAS A BODY BUILDER AND 419 00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:57,849 HE WAS-- THEY USED TO CALL HIM "SUPERMAN" ANOTHER D.C. COMIC 420 00:26:57,916 --> 00:27:01,186 GUY BECAUSE HAD A BODY LIKE SUPERMAN. 421 00:27:01,252 --> 00:27:04,856 AND MY FATHER USED TO TELL ME, "DON'T EVER LOOK HIM IN THE 422 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:05,724 EYES. WHEN YOU TALK TO HIM, KEEP YOUR 423 00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:07,492 EYES ON THE GROUND." >> Stephen: REALLY? 424 00:27:07,559 --> 00:27:10,028 >> NO, FOR REAL. BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID, LIKE, 425 00:27:10,095 --> 00:27:14,833 THAT HE WOULD SEDUCE ME OR, YOU KNOW, LIKE, BECAUSE THEY DRAW 426 00:27:14,899 --> 00:27:17,836 YOU INTO THEIR WEB. "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, KID?" 427 00:27:17,902 --> 00:27:19,671 >> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL AS WE SAY. 428 00:27:19,738 --> 00:27:23,875 >> HE THOUGHT HE AS SO STRONG. AND ONE DAY MY UNCLE, WHO WAS 429 00:27:23,942 --> 00:27:26,611 VERY STRONG, THEY WERE LOOKING AT THIS BIG GIRDER, WHICH WAS 430 00:27:26,678 --> 00:27:29,781 PART OF A FOUNDATION. AND HE WAS SAYING, "I THINK I 431 00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:33,752 CAN MOVE IT," BECAUSE HE PROBABLY KILLS PEOPLE SO HE 432 00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:35,220 THOUGHT HE COULD MOVE THE GIRDER. 433 00:27:35,286 --> 00:27:37,522 AND HE TRIED, AND HE COULDN'T DO IT. 434 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:40,291 AND MY UNCLE, WHO WAS REALLY STRONG AND KNEW HOW TO DO IT 435 00:27:40,358 --> 00:27:42,627 WITH HIS LEGS-- YOU KNOW, IT WAS VERY HEAVY. 436 00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:46,998 AND HE TOOK IT OFF THE CINDER BLOCK, AND THE GUY LOOKED AT 437 00:27:47,065 --> 00:27:51,036 HIM, LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I COULD STILL KILL YOU." 438 00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:54,339 THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE, THEY'RE REALLY PARASITIC. 439 00:27:54,406 --> 00:27:58,009 SO I KIND OF GREW UP ALWAYS STAYING AWAY FROM THAT. 440 00:27:58,076 --> 00:28:00,912 BUT WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY YOUR 441 00:28:00,979 --> 00:28:02,313 BEST YOU. >> Stephen: HAVE SOMETHING TO 442 00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:04,816 TAP INTO THERE, A LITTLE EXPERIENCE. 443 00:28:04,883 --> 00:28:10,989 A LITTLE IN THE EYE. >> IT'S KIND OF A FILM NOIRISH. 444 00:28:11,056 --> 00:28:14,692 >> Stephen: "BATMAN" IS FILM NOIRISH. 445 00:28:14,759 --> 00:28:16,895 >> THIS IS REALLY FILM NOIR IN MANY WAYS. 446 00:28:16,961 --> 00:28:20,298 YOU SEE THEM TRYING TO SOLVE THE CRIME AND SORT OF BATMAN 447 00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:23,835 BECOMING WHO WE GET TO KNOW HIM. HE'S AT THAT STAGE WHERE HE'S 448 00:28:23,902 --> 00:28:27,172 SORT OF AWAKENING, AT THE STAGE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT KIDS 449 00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:29,774 BETWEEN A CERTAIN AGE, WHERE THEY'RE STILL-- THEY DON'T KNOW 450 00:28:29,841 --> 00:28:33,645 WHO THEY ARE, YOU KNOW. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU. 451 00:28:33,711 --> 00:28:37,115 YOU WOULD BE GREAT IN A FILM NOIR. 452 00:28:37,182 --> 00:28:39,484 >> Stephen: I WOULD BE? >> YEAH. 453 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,386 >> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, WHO AM I-- 454 00:28:41,453 --> 00:28:45,390 >> YOU WOULD BE GREAT IN FILM NOIR. 455 00:28:45,457 --> 00:28:49,828 LIKE FRED MCMURRY WHEN HE WAS IN "DOUBLE ENDEMENTY." 456 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:52,564 >> Stephen: RIGHT, HE SEEMS LIKE HE'S A NICE GUY. 457 00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:55,667 >> YOU GOT ALL DEAD BODIES BEHIND YOU AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 458 00:28:55,733 --> 00:28:59,604 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SHHH! 459 00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:03,208 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I 19 AND JON BATISTE AND I WE WOULD FIND-- 460 00:29:03,274 --> 00:29:05,844 WE'D BE THE DETECTIVES AND ARREST YOU. 461 00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:10,115 >> Stephen: YOU AND JON? YOU'D TEAM UP TO TAKE ME DOWN? 462 00:29:10,181 --> 00:29:13,151 AND NOBODY BELIEVES YOU! AND NOBODY BELIEVES WILL YOU! 463 00:29:13,218 --> 00:29:15,320 BECAUSE I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE YOU. 464 00:29:15,386 --> 00:29:18,356 >> BUT YOU'RE A GOOD ACTOR. YOU ARE. 465 00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:20,492 >> Stephen: JOHN TURTURRO JUST SAID I'M A GOOD ACTOR. 466 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:23,194 >> I WOULD CAST YOU IN A FILM NOIR. 467 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:24,395 >> Stephen: YOU WOULD CAST ME-- 468 00:29:24,462 --> 00:29:28,066 >> IN A FILM, DEFINITELY. >> Stephen: DIRECT ME-- I'M 469 00:29:28,133 --> 00:29:28,833 IN. I'M AVAILABLE. 470 00:29:28,900 --> 00:29:29,734 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: I'M BOOKED. 471 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:33,138 YOU CAN GET ME-- HOW ABOUT "THE BATMAN." 472 00:29:33,204 --> 00:29:39,544 >> THERE WILL BE ANOTHER "BATMAN" AFTER THIS. 473 00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:43,381 "THE BATMAN PART--" >> Stephen: "MORE BATMAN." 474 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,116 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 475 00:29:45,183 --> 00:29:47,152 WHEN WE COME BACK, JOHN AND I WILL TALK ABOUT THE NEW MOVIE 476 00:29:47,218 --> 00:29:47,952 WE'RE DOING TOGETHER. 477 00:29:54,626 --> 00:30:00,098 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE MAESTRO HIMSELF, JOHN TURTURRO. 478 00:30:00,165 --> 00:30:02,200 WERE YOU D.C.-- >> I LIKE D.C. 479 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:06,538 MY FIRST LOVE, I HAVE TO BE HONEST, WAS ZORO. 480 00:30:06,604 --> 00:30:09,207 THAT'S MY FIRST-- WHEN I WAS A KID. 481 00:30:09,274 --> 00:30:10,642 >> Stephen: SURE. >> I USED TO DRAW THE MUSTACHE 482 00:30:10,708 --> 00:30:13,444 AND HAVE THE MASK. AND I WOULD EPT CEREAL AND STUFF 483 00:30:13,511 --> 00:30:18,716 LIKE, THAT I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY. WHEN ZORO WOULD COM 484 00:30:18,783 --> 00:30:22,921 ♪ DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA 485 00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:26,991 ♪ DA-DA♪ I HAD THE SWORD. 486 00:30:27,058 --> 00:30:30,762 SO MY FATHER WOULD COME HOME FROM WORK AND I PUT THE "Z" ON 487 00:30:30,828 --> 00:30:33,198 HIS STOMACH LIKE SERGEANT GARCIA. 488 00:30:33,264 --> 00:30:37,936 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, OF. >> I LOVED ZORO, BUT ZORO 489 00:30:38,002 --> 00:30:40,171 SNRNESSED BATMAN. >> Stephen: FOR REAL? 490 00:30:40,238 --> 00:30:41,739 >> ABSOLUTELY. HE'S THE PREDECESSOR. 491 00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:44,409 THEY ALSO HAVE BLACK CAPES, BLACK MASKS. 492 00:30:44,475 --> 00:30:46,110 THEY HAVE TWO IDENTITY. COME ON. 493 00:30:46,177 --> 00:30:47,478 >> Stephen: THERE IT IS. >> I MEAN -- 494 00:30:47,545 --> 00:30:52,817 >> Stephen: THERE IS IT IS. >> THEY'RE LIKE COUSINS, ZORO 495 00:30:52,884 --> 00:30:57,288 AND-- LET'S FACE IT, THE BLACK OUTFIT IS THE BEST OUTFIT. 496 00:30:57,355 --> 00:30:59,123 >> Stephen: IT'S VERY SLENDERIZING. 497 00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:01,159 >> EXCEPT ADAM WEST, HE HAD THE -- 498 00:31:01,226 --> 00:31:02,427 >> Stephen: HE DIDN'T WEAR BLACK. 499 00:31:02,493 --> 00:31:04,329 >> NO. >> Stephen: HE WAS KIND OF 500 00:31:04,395 --> 00:31:09,734 THAT-- LIKE ALMOST PERRY WINGLE BLUE WITH THE BIG UNDERWEAR AND 501 00:31:09,801 --> 00:31:11,636 THE BELT BUCKLE AND THE UTILITY BELL. 502 00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:17,709 >> HIS LINE READING IS "WHY IS JON BATISTE SITTING AT THE PIANO 503 00:31:17,775 --> 00:31:19,244 OVER THERE?" WITH A QUESTION MARK. 504 00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:22,614 BUT I LOVED HIS BODY. HE LOOKED LIKE A PLAYBOY. 505 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,882 >> Stephen: THAT'S A BODY I COULD ASPIRE TO. 506 00:31:24,949 --> 00:31:29,654 I CANNOT-- I CANNOT ASPIRE TO ROBERT PATTINSON'S BODY. 507 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,789 I ALREADY HAVE-- I ALREADY HAVE ADAM WEST DOWN. 508 00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:35,927 >> CAN YOU DO ADAM WEST? >> Stephen: I HAVE THE 509 00:31:35,994 --> 00:31:37,195 PHYSIQUE. >> NO! 510 00:31:37,262 --> 00:31:41,866 DO YOU REMEMBER-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED "BATMAN" WHEN YOU 511 00:31:41,933 --> 00:31:43,968 WERE A KID. >> Stephen: OF COURSE. 512 00:31:44,035 --> 00:31:48,406 >> WHEN THE GREEN HORNET CAME ON, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE GREEN 513 00:31:48,473 --> 00:31:50,308 HORNET. I LOVED BATMAN -- 514 00:31:50,375 --> 00:31:52,310 >> Stephen: BUT IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING, RIGHT? 515 00:31:52,377 --> 00:31:55,146 THEY THOUGHT GREEN HORNET WAS A BAD GUY, BUT HE WASN'T. 516 00:31:55,213 --> 00:31:59,317 >> ONCE I SAW CATO, HE WAS ALSO DRESSED IN BLACK. 517 00:31:59,384 --> 00:32:02,687 >> Stephen: WITH ANOTHER MASK. I KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING YOU FOR 518 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:07,225 YOUR BIRTHDAY. THE RAPIER. 519 00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:08,559 FANTASTIC. >> THE NEXT TIME WE SHOULD -- 520 00:32:08,626 --> 00:32:10,695 >> Stephen: IN THE-- >> HE HAS ONE OF THOSE NAMES 521 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,264 THAT HE'D -- >> Stephen: JON BATISTE? 522 00:32:13,331 --> 00:32:15,800 >> WITH THE SWORD. >> Stephen: 100%. 523 00:32:15,867 --> 00:32:21,973 >> HE SHOULD HAVE THE SWORD, THE ALBUM MAN. 524 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:28,012 ( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: THEN A-- AND THEN 525 00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:31,049 HE PLAYS THE PIANO, LIKE THAT. FANTASTIC. 526 00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:33,484 HE ALSO WOULD BE GOOD IN A MOVIE, TOO. 527 00:32:33,551 --> 00:32:34,552 >> Stephen: OF COURSE HE WOULD BE GOOD IN A MOVIE. 528 00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,821 >> I THINK WE'RE WORKING ON SOMETHING RIGHT HERE. 529 00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:38,690 >> Stephen: I THINK SO, TOO. >> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 530 00:32:38,756 --> 00:32:42,727 I DON'T KNOW WHO WILL BE THE SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE DEFINITELY 531 00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:44,128 THE BAD GUY. ( APPLAUSE ). 532 00:32:44,195 --> 00:32:50,768 I'M HONORED. >> Stephen: "THE BATMAN" IS IN 533 00:32:50,835 --> 00:32:54,272 THEATERS MARCH 4. IT'S JOHN TURTURRO, EVERYBODY! 534 00:32:54,339 --> 00:32:56,040 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CNN'S JOHN AVLON. 535 00:33:08,619 --> 00:33:11,923 HERE WE GO. BACK IN THE SADDLE. 536 00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:13,224 CAN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK. 537 00:33:13,291 --> 00:33:16,194 MY NEXT GUEST IS AN AUTHOR AND SENIOR POLITICAL ANALYST AT CNN. 538 00:33:16,260 --> 00:33:18,396 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN AVLON! 539 00:33:18,463 --> 00:33:19,797 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 540 00:33:19,864 --> 00:33:34,045 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. NICE TO SEE YOU BEGAN. 541 00:33:34,112 --> 00:33:38,649 >> GREAT TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. >> Stephen: ALL EYES ARE ON 542 00:33:38,716 --> 00:33:41,919 RUSSIA AND UKRAINE. PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE TODAY, 543 00:33:41,986 --> 00:33:46,290 CALLED THIS THE BEGINNING OF AN INVASION. 544 00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:49,660 WHAT DID YOU THINK-- TWO PARTS, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF BIDEN'S 545 00:33:49,727 --> 00:33:51,462 SPEECH? AND WHAT IS THE BEGINNING OF 546 00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:53,898 INVASION? HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT THAN AN 547 00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:55,800 INVASION? IS THAT A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT? 548 00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,103 ( LAUGHTER ). PUTIN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE THE 549 00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:00,905 WORLD, RIGHT. YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO SAY 550 00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:03,741 THESE TWO-- THESE TWO REGIONS OF UKRAINE ARE ACTUALLY PART OF 551 00:34:03,808 --> 00:34:05,910 RUSSIA. SO WE'RE GOING TO SEND IN 552 00:34:05,977 --> 00:34:07,845 PEACEKEEPERS, BUT IT'S AN INVASION. 553 00:34:07,912 --> 00:34:09,914 HE JUST HASN'T MOVED ON KYIV YET. 554 00:34:09,981 --> 00:34:12,884 LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL-- BIDEN'S GOT TO MAKE THE CASE TO THE 555 00:34:12,950 --> 00:34:15,953 AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR WHY UKRAINE MATTERS. 556 00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:18,122 BUT HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN SETTING THIS UP FOR A LONG TIME. 557 00:34:18,189 --> 00:34:21,692 HE'S BEEN VERY CONSISTENT SAYING THE CHALLENGE OF OUR TIME IS 558 00:34:21,759 --> 00:34:26,931 DEMOCRACY VERSUS AUTOCRACY. >> Stephen: IT COULD NOT BE 559 00:34:26,998 --> 00:34:29,634 MORE STARKLY LAID OUT. >> THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING 560 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,669 RIGHT NOW. THIS IS VLADIMIR PUTIN MOVING 561 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,971 AGAINST THE INTERNATIONAL ORDER, EVERYTHING FROM 562 00:34:34,038 --> 00:34:35,907 SELF-DETERMINATION TO LAWS TO DECENCY TO DEMOCRACY. 563 00:34:35,973 --> 00:34:39,710 AND SAYING THAT MIGHT MAKES RIGHT. 564 00:34:39,777 --> 00:34:42,480 AND THEN IT'S UP TO THE DEMOCRACIES OF THE WORLD-- THANK 565 00:34:42,547 --> 00:34:43,748 YOU -- >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. 566 00:34:43,815 --> 00:34:45,783 >> THE DEMOCRACIES OF THE WORLD TO STAND UP, STAND TOGETHER, AND 567 00:34:45,850 --> 00:34:48,553 SAY, NO, THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND. 568 00:34:48,619 --> 00:34:53,858 AND WE'LL SEE IN SANCTIONS IN A TARGETED WAY ARE ENOUGH TO DETER 569 00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:57,261 HIM, AS LONG AS THE ELITES IN THE KREMLIN, THE KLEPTOCRATS 570 00:34:57,328 --> 00:34:59,730 FEEL THE PAIN. WE DON'T WANT A HOT WAR, WE'RE 571 00:34:59,797 --> 00:35:02,333 NOT GOING TO HAVE ONE HERE. BUT THIS IS A FRONT TO 572 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,602 DEMOCRACY. AND IT'S A TEST CASE TO THE 573 00:35:04,669 --> 00:35:06,471 TRAJECTORY OF THE REST OF THE CENTURY. 574 00:35:06,537 --> 00:35:09,006 MAKE NO MISTAKE-- UKRAINE TODAY, TAIWAN TOMORROW. 575 00:35:09,073 --> 00:35:10,808 SO WATCH OUT. >> Stephen: THAT IS THE-- THAT 576 00:35:10,875 --> 00:35:13,344 IS THE-- THAT IS SORT OF THE CHILLING PART OF THIS. 577 00:35:13,411 --> 00:35:15,446 >> YES. >> Stephen: THAT IT DOES FEEL 578 00:35:15,513 --> 00:35:21,285 LIKE THE OPENING MOVE OF A VERY LONG CHESS GAME OF REORGANIZING 579 00:35:21,352 --> 00:35:27,225 THE INTERNATIONAL POLITICAL REALITY AND THE POST-WORLD WAR 580 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,894 II. HOWEVER IMPERFECT THE POST-WORLD 581 00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:32,196 WAR II PIECE. >> PERFECT IS NEVER ON THE MENU. 582 00:35:32,263 --> 00:35:34,098 >> Stephen: RIGHT. >> BUT WE CAN'T TAKE OUR GAINS 583 00:35:34,165 --> 00:35:37,602 FOR GRANTED. YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T TAKE 584 00:35:37,668 --> 00:35:39,570 DEMOCRACY FOR GRANTED. AND I THINK THERE'S A DANGER OF 585 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:41,072 THAT. WE SEE IT HERE AT HOME. 586 00:35:41,138 --> 00:35:43,975 WE CERTAINLY SEE IT ABROAD RIGHT NOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE SAYING, "WHY 587 00:35:44,041 --> 00:35:47,311 DOES THIS MATTER?" IT MATTERS BECAUSE, YOU SAID, 588 00:35:47,378 --> 00:35:51,182 WE'VE HAD 75 YEARS OF RELATIVE PEACE AND PROSPERITY IN EUROPE. 589 00:35:51,249 --> 00:35:53,217 THAT'S VIRTUALLY UNHEARD OF IN HUMAN HISTORY, RIGHT. 590 00:35:53,284 --> 00:35:56,387 THOSE FOLKS WERE KILLING EACH OTHER FOR CENTURIES. 591 00:35:56,454 --> 00:36:00,358 AND YET, WHAT HAPPENED IS WE WON THE PEACE AFTER THE SECOND WORLD 592 00:36:00,424 --> 00:36:05,763 WAR, RIGHT. I MEAN, WE INSISTED, FOLLOWING 593 00:36:05,830 --> 00:36:10,801 ACTUALLY LINCOLN'S PRESCRIPTION, UNDELEGATE SURRENDER FOLLOWED BY 594 00:36:10,868 --> 00:36:14,038 MAGNANIMOUS PEACE. WE INVESTED IN PEACE IN THE FORM 595 00:36:14,105 --> 00:36:17,375 OF THE MARSHALL PLAN. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. 596 00:36:17,441 --> 00:36:19,310 INTERESTINGLY-- I APPRECIATE THE LITTLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT THERE. 597 00:36:19,377 --> 00:36:22,513 >> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO GET TO IT IN JUST A MOMENT, I 598 00:36:22,580 --> 00:36:23,915 PROMISE. >> WHERE ACTUALLY THIS BOOK CAME 599 00:36:23,981 --> 00:36:28,586 FROM IS REALLY RELEVANT TO THAT. I FOUND A QUOTE FROM GENERAL 600 00:36:28,653 --> 00:36:32,256 LUCCUOUS CLAY, WHO THE AMERICAN GENERAL WHO DID THE GERMAN 601 00:36:32,323 --> 00:36:33,891 OCCUPATION. HE WAS BORN 30 YEARS AFTER THE 602 00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:37,361 CIVIL WAR DIS. SOMEONE ASKED HIM, "WHAT GUIDED YOUR 603 00:36:37,428 --> 00:36:40,131 DECISIONS?" AND HE SAID, "I TRIED TO THINK 604 00:36:40,197 --> 00:36:42,366 WHAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN WOULD HAVE DONE FOR THE SOUTH IF HE HAD 605 00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:44,669 LIVED. AND IT'S THAT SENSE, INVESTING 606 00:36:44,735 --> 00:36:47,271 IN PEACE IS THE KEY. YOU NEED TO WAGE PEACE. 607 00:36:47,338 --> 00:36:51,776 >> Stephen: THE NAME OF THE BOOK IS "LINCOLN AND THE FIGHT 608 00:36:51,842 --> 00:36:54,278 FOR PEACE." IS WHAT IS THAT FIGHT FOR PEACE? 609 00:36:54,345 --> 00:36:58,249 >> WHAT LINCOLN UNDERSTOOD-- AND I THINK THE FACT OF THE CIVIL 610 00:36:58,316 --> 00:37:01,185 WAR-- THERE HAD NEVER BEEN A CIVIL WAR ON THAT SCALE BEFORE 611 00:37:01,252 --> 00:37:03,254 IN HUMAN HISTORY. >> Stephen: THERE HADN'T BEEN 612 00:37:03,321 --> 00:37:06,190 ANY KIND OF WAR AT THAT SCALE. IT WAS SORT OF FIRST MODERN WAR. 613 00:37:06,257 --> 00:37:09,727 >> THAT'S RIGHT. SO A SAVAGERY THAT WAS 614 00:37:09,794 --> 00:37:11,729 UNIMAGINABLE. YOU KNOW, THREE-QUARTERS OF A 615 00:37:11,796 --> 00:37:14,365 MILLION AMERICANS DIED, AMERICANS ON BOTH SIDES. 616 00:37:14,432 --> 00:37:17,168 AND WHAT'S-- DEMOCRACY WAS, YOU KNOW, AT STAKE BECAUSE, 617 00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:20,671 REMEMBER, IT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO BASICALLY DECIDE THAT ABRAHAM 618 00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:23,741 LINCOLN WAS AN ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENT, AN INSURRECTION, AN 619 00:37:23,808 --> 00:37:27,645 ATTACK TO SEPARATE. IT WAS ABOUT SLAVERY, FOUR 620 00:37:27,712 --> 00:37:29,380 MILLION AMERICAN SLAVES, IT WAS ABOUT FREEDOM. 621 00:37:29,447 --> 00:37:32,216 BUT LINCOLN UNDERSTOOD THIS KEY FACT-- AND THIS IS THE FIGHT FOR 622 00:37:32,283 --> 00:37:35,219 PEACE-- IF YOU DON'T WIN THE PEACE, YOU DON'T REALLY WIN THE 623 00:37:35,286 --> 00:37:36,954 WAR. AND IN A SELF-WAR, YOU CAN'T 624 00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:39,123 POUND YOUR OPPONENTS INTO SUBMISSION. 625 00:37:39,190 --> 00:37:41,092 YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN. 626 00:37:41,158 --> 00:37:44,528 AND SO LINCOLN WAS THINKING LONG TERM, PAST THAT IMMEDIATE CAUSE 627 00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:46,697 AND EFFECT. AND HE WAS DEVELOPING A PLAN TO 628 00:37:46,764 --> 00:37:51,435 WIN THE PEACE WITH MALS TOWARD NONE, WITH CHARITY FOR ALL. 629 00:37:51,502 --> 00:37:55,640 HE WAS SETTING THE STAGE. BUT THEN HE'S ASSASSINATED AND 630 00:37:55,706 --> 00:37:57,875 HE NEVER GETS TO IMPLEMENT THAT BUSINESS. 631 00:37:57,942 --> 00:38:01,846 IT'S HIS UNFINISHED SYMPATHY. >> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS 632 00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:04,949 LINCOLN TALKED ABOUT IN HIS FIRST INAUGURAL, WAS APPEALING 633 00:38:05,016 --> 00:38:11,489 TO THE BETTER ANGELS. PEOPLE OFTEN TALK ABOUT OUR 634 00:38:11,555 --> 00:38:15,726 PRESENT NATIONAL CONDITION AS A COLD CIVIL WAR, WHEREAS WE 635 00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:21,399 CERTAINLY, ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT OFTEN GEGRASHLY, WE SELF-SELECT 636 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:24,268 FOR OUR OWN COMMUNITIES AND WE DON'T LISTEN TO EACH OTHER 637 00:38:24,335 --> 00:38:25,870 ANYMORE. WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT LINCOLN'S 638 00:38:25,936 --> 00:38:30,675 GOALS WERE AND WHAT HIS DREAM WAS FOR THE POST-CIVIL WAR 639 00:38:30,741 --> 00:38:33,544 AMERICA WHAT, DO YOU SEE AS A PRESCRIPTION FOR US TO APPEAL TO 640 00:38:33,611 --> 00:38:36,647 THE BETTER ANGELS OF OUR NATURE NOW? 641 00:38:36,714 --> 00:38:39,417 WHAT ARE THOSE BETTER ANGELS WE CAN CALL ON? 642 00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:41,452 BECAUSE THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF 643 00:38:41,519 --> 00:38:43,721 THIS DARK MOMENT. >> WHAT LINCOLN REALLY 644 00:38:43,788 --> 00:38:47,324 UNDERSTOOD, ASIDE FROM THE FACT EVEN IN THE CIVIL WAR, HE 645 00:38:47,391 --> 00:38:51,028 UNDERSTOOD THERE WAS MORE THAT UNITED US THAN DIVIDED ALSO AS 646 00:38:51,095 --> 00:38:52,229 AMERICANS. THAT'S TOUGH TO DO. 647 00:38:52,296 --> 00:38:57,234 HE DIDN'T DEMONIZE PEOPLE HE DISAGREEWITH. 648 00:38:57,301 --> 00:38:59,737 BUT HE PRACTICEDLY THE POLITICS OF GOLDEN RULE-- TREAT OTHER 649 00:38:59,804 --> 00:39:01,806 PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED. 650 00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:03,741 AND IT'S JUST AS DIFFICULT AND POWERFUL AS THAT. 651 00:39:03,808 --> 00:39:05,976 LOOK, OUR EMPTHIGH HAS BEEN TESTED, ALL OF US. 652 00:39:06,043 --> 00:39:09,513 BUT THE FACT THAT HE BALANCED HIS MORAL COURAGE WITH 653 00:39:09,580 --> 00:39:13,117 MODERATION, THAT HE NEVER FELT A SENSE OF MORAL SUPERIORITY. 654 00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,821 THAT HE TRIED TO REASON WITH PEOPLE USING EMPATHY AS A 655 00:39:16,887 --> 00:39:19,657 PATHWAY TO PERSUASION, EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CIVIL WAR, THAT 656 00:39:19,724 --> 00:39:23,260 IF HE COULD DO IT THEN, THAT EVEN THOUGH THAT EXAMPLE SEEMS 657 00:39:23,327 --> 00:39:25,763 IMPOSSIBLY HIGH-- AND IT WAS RARE IN HIS TIME, TOO-- THAT 658 00:39:25,830 --> 00:39:28,032 THAT'S WHAT WE NEED TO AIM TOWARD. 659 00:39:28,099 --> 00:39:30,634 WE'LL FALL SHORT, BUT WE NEED TO AIM TOWARDS THAT AGAIN. 660 00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:34,972 AND REMEMBER THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS ARE NOT THE 661 00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:37,708 SCREAMERS AND THE PROFESSIONAL DIVIDERS AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE 662 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:41,112 TRYING TO PROFIT OFF ALL THIS POLARIZATION. 663 00:39:41,178 --> 00:39:43,414 THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY GOOD. 664 00:39:43,481 --> 00:39:45,916 AND WE NEED TORM THAT AND THEN BUILD ON THAT. 665 00:39:45,983 --> 00:39:50,087 ( APPLAUSE ). BOOK. 666 00:39:50,154 --> 00:39:53,190 IT IS A PROFOUND MEDICATION AND LESSON FOR US ALL AND A 667 00:39:53,257 --> 00:39:55,793 BEAUTIFUL WORK. >> THANK YOU, MY FRIEND. 668 00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:59,830 >> Stephen: "LINCOLN AND THE FIGHT FOR PEACE" IS AVAILABLE 669 00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:01,298 NOW. JOHN AVLON, EVERYBODY! 670 00:40:01,365 --> 00:40:02,333 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 671 00:40:22,219 --> 00:40:23,988 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 672 00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:26,624 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE THE HOSTS OF "THE 673 00:40:26,690 --> 00:40:29,860 CIRCUS" ON SHOWTIME. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 674 00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:30,628 GOOD NIGHT.