RUSSIAN TROOPS COULD BE ARRIVING IN UKRAINE AT ANY
MOMENT, THAT AFTER VLADIMIR PUTIN ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL
SEND WHAT HE CALLS PEACEKEEPING FORCES INTO TWO PRO-MOSCOW
UKRAINIAN TERRITORIES HE RECOGNIZED AS INDEPENDENT TODAY.
BUT LET'S BE REAL HERE. THESE ARE NOT PEACEKEEPERS.
THESE ARE RUSSIAN TROOPS, NEARLY 20,000 OF THEM.
THEY'RE NOT KEEPING THE PEACE. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> WANT TO LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE? TRY "ROSETTA STONE, PUTIN
EDITION." WE'LL TEACH YOU TO SPEAK JUST
LIKE THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT. FOR INSTANCE...
PEACEKEEPERS.
BARBER.
JOURNALIST EXIT.
AND...
PIZZA DELIVERY. WITH EACH LESSON, YOU'LL GET
CLOSER TO SPEAKING LIKE A MINIATURE DICTATOR.
BUSINESS CASUAL.
SO ORDER "ROSETTA STONE, PUTIN EDITION" TODAY, AND LET US
INVADE YOUR VOCABULARY.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
SAY IT AIN'T SOVIET.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN TURTURRO
AND JOHN AVLON
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOOO! YOU THE MAN!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SO MUCH. HELLO, FRIENDS.
HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY.
THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE ALL KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
CONTINUES TO HAPPEN AT A SLIGHTLY FASTER PACE.
YOU SEE, FOR WEEKS, VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS BEEN AMASSING TROOPS
ON THE UKRAINIAN BORDER, ESPECIALLY NEAR THE BREAKAWAY
UKRAINIAN PROVINCES OF DONETSK AND LUHANSK.
WELL, YESTERDAY, PUTIN UNILATERALLY DECLARED THEM
INDEPENDENT REPUBLICS, AND THEN DIRECTED RUSSIAN DEFENSE
MINISTRY TO DEPLOY TROOPS IN THOSE REGIONS.
SMART. HE DECLARES THEM INDEPENDENT,
AND THEN WHEN HE SENDS TROOPS CAN IN, HE CAN TECHNICALLY SAY,
THAT'S NOT AN INVASION OF UKRAINE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT
UKRAINE ANYMORE." AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MOST
IMPORTANT WEAPON IS HIS SHARPIE. ( LAUGHTER )
INTO A PLACE THAT'S NOT HIS COUNTRY?
HE CLAIMS IT'S TO CARRY OUT "PEACEKEEPING FUNCTIONS."
AND IT'S TRUE. ( AS PUTIN )
I KEEP THAT PIECE OF UKRAINE. I KEEP ALL THE PIECES OF
UKRAINE. I AM PEACEKEEPING."
HE'S HAVING, HE'S GRABBING. AND THESE TWO REGIONS COULD BE
JUST THE BEGINNING, BECAUSE HE GAVE EVERY INDICATION THAT HE
WANTS THE WHOLE PIEROGI: >> I WOULD LIKE TO REITERATE
THAT UKRAINE IS JUST NOT OUR NEIGHBORING COUNTRY.
IT'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR OWN HISTORY, CULTURE, AND SPIRITUAL
SPACE. HISTORICALLY, PEOPLE FROM THIS
TERRITORY WERE CALLED RUSSIANS. >> Stephen: NOW, UKRAINIAN
EXPERTS HAVE POINTED OUT THAT NOTHING PUTIN JUST SAID IS TRUE.
AND I CAN VERIFY THAT, BECAUSE I USED TO LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CHICAGO, CALLED "THE UKRAINIAN VILLAGE," NOT "THE
RUSSIAN VILLAGE." ( LAUGHTER )
CHURCH, A UKRAINIAN ORTHODOX CHURCH, UKRAINIAN DELIS,
UKRAINIAN BARBERS. WHEN I LIVED THERE, BACK IN
DECEMBER OF 1991, THE UKRAINIANS WERE HOLDING AN INDEPENDENCE
REFERENDUM, AND I WENT INTO THIS BARBER SHOP, AND I SAID, "YOU'RE
UKRAINIAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO
HAPPEN IN THE VOTE TOMORROW?" HE WAS SO HAPPY THAT AN AMERICAN
KID TOOK AN INTEREST IN THE INDEPENDENCE OF UKRAINE THAT HE
TURNED ME AWAY FROM THE MIRROR AND WALKED AROUND ME FOR TWO
HOURS CUTTING MY HAIR, SO HE HAD SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
UNTIL ALL I HAD LEFT WERE WHITE WALLS AND A LITTLE TUFT ON TOP
LIKE A KATZENJAMMER KID. HE DID TO MY HEAD WHAT RUSSIA
WANTS TO DO TO UKRAINE. AND IF I HAD CALLED HIM A
RUSSIAN? HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE
"SWEENEY TODD." ( LAUGHTER )
THEY HELD THAT REF COUPLE DUMB IN UKRAINE, AND 92% OF THE
UKRAINIAN POPULATION VOTED FOR INDEPENDENCE FROM THE SOVIET
UNION. NO ONE CAN DISPUTE THAT KIND OF
MARGIN, NOT EVEN RUSSIA'S BIGGEST CABLE NEWS CELEBRITY,
THE "MY TURNIP GUY." IN HIS SPEECH, JUST LAST NIGHT,
PUTIN LIED SOME MORE. >> MODERN UKRAINE FROM THE
BEGINNING, AND IT'S TOTALITY HAS BEEN CREATED BY RUSSIA."
>> Stephen: TO PROVE PUTIN WRONG, AFTER HE MADE THAT CLAIM,
THE UNITED STATES EMBASSY IN KYIV TWEETED OUT THESE FOUR
CHURCHES IN KYIV DATING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE 10th CENTURY,
NEXT TO THE EMPTY FOREST THAT MOSCOW WAS IN THE SAME PERIOD.
OH, SNAP! YOU JUST GOT ST. PETERS-BURNED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT TO BE OUT-MEMED, PUTIN THEN
TWEETED, "I CAN HAZ UCRAIN?" ( LAUGHTER )
OLDY BUT A GOODIE. FOLLOWING ALL THIS, THE WHITE
HOUSE INITIALLY AVOIDED CALLING PUTIN'S TROOP MOVEMENTS AN
INVASION AND IMPOSED LIGHT SANCTIONS BARRING NEW
INVESTMENT, TRADE, AND FINANCING BY U.S. PERSONS TO, FROM, OR IN
THE SO-CALLED DONETSK PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC AND THE LUHANSK
PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC. WELL, THAT'S A DISASTER FOR
ANYONE INVESTED IN THE UKRAINIAN COFFEE CHAIN: DUNKIN' DONETSK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TODAY, BUT TODAY-- ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE JOE BIDEN SPOKE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND LAID OUT
SOME TOUGH PENALTIES: >> WE'RE IMPLEMENTING FULL
BLOCKING SANCTIONS ON TWO LARGE RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS,
V.E.B. AND THEIR MILITARY BANK. WE'RE IMPLEMENTING COMPREHENSIVE
SANCTIONS ON RUSSIAN'S SOVEREIGN DEBT.
THAT MEANS WE'VE CUT OFF RUSSIA'S GOVERNMENT FROM WESTERN
FINANCING. IT CAN NO LONGER RAISE MONEY
FROM THE WEST AND CANNOT TRADE IN ITS NEW DEBT ON OUR MARKETS
OR EUROPEAN MARKETS, EITHER. >> Stephen: SO, THAT MEANS NO
RUSSIAN MONEY IN THE U.S.-- THERE GOES TUCKER CARLSON'S
SPONSORS. ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ THE ADMINISTRATION, ALONG WITH
ALLIES FROM ASIA, ARE ALSO CONSIDERING EVEN HARSHER
SANCTIONS THAT WOULD CUT OFF RUSSIA FROM THE HIGH TECH THAT
HELPS WARPLANES AND PASSENGER JETS FLY AND MAKES SMARTPHONES
SMART. WHEN THESE SANCTIONS TAKE
EFFECT, YOUR iPHONE IN RUSSIA'S GONNA SOUND LIKE:
>> "HEY, SIRI, GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO ST. PETERSBURG."
>> "DAAAARRRRR. I DUNNO."
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.
THE SENATE IS PREPARING ITS OWN LIST OF SANCTIONS AND,
REPORTEDLY, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS ARE ITCHING TO SANCTION PUTIN'S
ROMANTIC PARTNER. PUTIN'S ROMANTIC PARTNER?
SO, THE HORSE? ( LAUGHTER )
SOA WHOA! WHOA!
OUR ALLIES ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE SANCTION GAME.
SPECIFICALLY, GERMAN CHANCELLOR AND HERR MAGOO, OLAF SCHOLZ.
THIS MORNING, DESPITE HIS NATION'S RELIANCE ON RUSSIAN
ENERGY, SCHOLZ ANNOUNCED THAT THE GERMANS WOULD SUSPEND ITS
CERTIFICATION OF THE RUSSIA-TO-GERMANY NORD STREAM 2
NATURAL GAS PIPELINE. WHICH MEANS GERMANY'S GOING TO
HAVE TO RELY ON THEIR OWN SOURCE OF NATURAL GAS: EATING
SAUERKRAUT. ( LAUGHTER )
PATRIOTIC CAMPAIGN: "BEAT PUTIN!
GET TOOTIN'." I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE
THAT EFFECTIVE. I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE--
( APPLAUSE ). THAT'S NOT DIGNIFIED ENOUGH FOR
YOU? GROW UP!
GERMANY SHUTTING DOWN THE PIPELINE LED FORMER RUSSIAN
PRIME MINISTER DMITRY MEDVEDEV TO TWEET ABOUT THE
HIGH-PRICED NATURAL GAS THEY'LL NOW FACE: "WELCOME TO THE NEW
WORLD WHERE EUROPEANS WOULD SOON HAVE TO PAY 2,000 EUROS PER
1,000 CUBIC METERS!" WHOA, THAT IS A LOT!
OR A LITTLE. ( LAUGHTER )
TO ME. ( LAUGHTER )
TEMPERATURE? I DON'T-- IT'S A LITTLE NUMBER?
I DON'T... THAT BAD? OF COURSE, THE COUNTRY MOST
AFFECTED BY THE INVASION OF UKRAINE MIGHT JUST BE UKRAINE,
WHICH, CONTRARY TO WHAT PUTIN THINKS, IS A COUNTRY, LED BY
GROWN-UP EDDIE MUNSTER, VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY.
IN LIGHT OF PUTIN'S AGGRESSION, ZELENSKY NOW SAYS HE IS
CONSIDERING A REQUEST FROM UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTRY TO
SEVER DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS BETWEEN UKRAINE AND THE RUSSIAN
FEDERATION. THAT'S RIGHT, HES "CONSIDERING."
IT'S LIKE JULIUS CAESAR FAMOUSLY SAID AS HE WAS BEING STABBED
TO DEATH: "ET TU, BRUTE?
I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ASKING YOU TO RETURN YOUR
FRIENDSHIP BRACELET." ( LAUGHTER )
JUST CONSIDERING IT, JON. >> Jon: CONSIDERING IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL. >> Jon: THE BRACELET
>> Stephen: SO ALL THIS MAKES FOR A VERY STRESSFUL AND
UNCERTAIN TIME ON THE GROUND IN UKRAINE.
BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE:
MULTI-LINGUAL A.P. REPORTER PHILIP CROWTHER, WHO POSTED THIS
VIDEO: ( IN ENGLISH )
RUSSIAN-BACKED FORCES. ( IN LUXEMBOURGISH )
( IN PORTUGUESE ) ( IN GERMAN )
THAT'S... ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT LOOKS IMPRESSIVE, BUT IF YOU TRANSLATE
IT, HE'S JUST REPEATING THE PHRASE, "WHERE IS THE LIBARY?
I MUST USE THE BATHROOM URGENTLY."
( LAUGHTER ) FOR YEARS, THE U.S. WOMEN'S
SOCCER PLAYERS HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR EQUAL PAY, AND THIS
MORNING, THE U.S. SOCCER FEDERATION AND WOMEN'S PLAYERS
AGREED TO SETTLE THEIR LAWSUIT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY DID IT! HELL, YEAH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE-- IT'S A GREAT THING.
IT'S A WONDERFUL OUTCOME. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK SO LONG
TO REACH THIS GOOOAAAL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIGHT OVER EQUAL PAY. SIX YEARS!
SO, HALF A SOCCER GAME? I DON'T... IT'S IN METRIC, SO I
DON'T-- I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND.
THE NEW AGREEMENT INCLUDES A PLEDGE FROM THE FEDERATION TO
EQUALIZE PAY FOR THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S NATIONAL TEAMS.
AND THE ATHLETES INVOLVED IN THE LAWSUIT WILL RECEIVE $24
MILLION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Jon: THAT'S NICE! >> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, THEY'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO SPEND IT WITH THEIR
FEET. THAT 24 MIL DIDN'T COME OUT OF
NOWHERE. THE BULK OF THE FIGURE IS BACK
PAY, A TACIT ADMISSION THAT COMPENSATION FOR THE MEN'S AND
WOMEN'S TEAMS HAS BEEN UNEQUAL FOR YEARS.
THEY'RE ADMITTING IT. THEY'RE ADMITTING IT.
MEN AND WOMEN'S SOCCER PAY HAS BEEN UNEQUAL FOR YEARS.
KIND OF LIKE THEIR WORLD CUP VICTORIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN TURTURRO AND CNN'S JOHN AVLON.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE." ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, Y'ALL.
RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M VERY EXCITED. TWO OF MY FAVORITE JOHNS ARE
GOING TO BE ON HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. YOU'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, JON THE
GREAT, TRULY A TREASURE, JOHN TURTURRO IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE
IN A WHILE. AND FROM CNN, I'VE KNOWN THIS
MAN FOR MANY YEARS, JOHN AVLON WILL BE ON HERE.
JON, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
I SAW "THE MUSIC MAN." RGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM HERE.
THE THING ABOUT IT-- ONE OF THE REASONS IT FELT SO GREAT TO SEE
THIS MUSICAL-- BY THE WAY, EVERYONE GO SEE THIS MUSICAL.
WE WOULD ALL BE HEALED AS A NATION IF WE ALL WENT TO SEE
THIS MUSICAL. IT'S JUST TELLING YOU A GOOD
STORY, TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.
BUT DO YOU KNOW, WE WERE IN THIS BUILDING ON AND OFF FOR-- HOW
LONG WERE WE OUT OF THIS BUILDING?
WE WERE OUT OF THE BUILDING FOR FIVE MONTHS, AND THEN IN THIS
BUILDING FOR ANOTHER 15 MONTHS IN A LITTLE ROOM.
AND I WAS IN MY OFFICE PART OF THE TIME.
AND I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW, AND EVERY DAY I WOULD LOOK AT "THE
MUSIC MAN" MARQUEE RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.
THE ENTIRE WORLD SHUT DOWN TWO WEEKS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO OPEN TWO YEARS AGO. ASK THEY JUST OPENED ON FEBRUARY
10, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND GOING TO SEE THAT REALLY
FELT VERY HOPEFUL. I THINK IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS
THE ODD YEFNS SO LIT AND THE CAST SO JOYFUL.
THEY FELT LIKE, OKAY, THIS WAS LIKE AN EMERGENCE, COMING OUT OF
HIBERNATION OR SOMETHING, AND I HOPE WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE IN
PUBLIC TOGETHER WITHOUT MASKS, HUGGING WITHOUT FEAR, SOON.
>> Jon: DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Jon: DEFINITELY.
>> Stephen: THERE, I SAID IT. WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE?
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE
DAY'S BIG STORIES, SELECTING THE FINEST NEWS TENORS AND THE
SILKIEST SOPRANOS. THEN, I BRUSH UP ON THE WORKS OF
CERVANTES AND FIND THE PERFECT SWEET SPOT BETWEEN DRAMA, HUMOR,
AND OPERA TO COMPOSE FOR YOU THE TIMELESS AND SEDUCTIVE SPANISH
ZARZUELA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE FREEZER OF A
COMBINATION TACO BELL AND PIZZA HUT ON THE EXPRESSWAY, I CUT A
PAIR OF LEG HOLES INTO A POTATO SACK AND RACE BAREFOOT INTO THE
CITY TO BREAK INTO AN ABANDONED DOLLAR STORE, WHERE I FASHION A
PAIR OF CASTANETS FROM DEFECTIVE CHATTERING TEETH TOYS.
THEN I DOWN A JERRY CAN FULL OF RED BULL AND COUGH MEDICINE
BEFORE STAGGERING INTO A PUBLIC PARK TO DISTURB TOURISTS WITH
THE DRIFTER'S FLAMENCO SHOWCASE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ OH, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪
MEANWHILE, SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS JUST GOT WORSE FOR CAR BUYERS,
BECAUSE A CARGO SHIP FULL OF LUXURY CARS IS ON FIRE AND
ADRIFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC.
SO EITHER A TERRIBLE INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT, OR THEY'RE FILMING THE
NEW SEQUEL, "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: 2 WET 2 FLAMING."
AS FOR THE BUYERS OF THOSE AUTOS, PORSCHE SAYS THAT
CUSTOMERS WITH CARS ON BOARD THE BURNING SHIP ARE BEING CONTACTED
BY THEIR DEALERS. I'D LOVE TO HEAR THAT CALL:
>> "HELLO, MR. JOHNSON? REMEMBER HOW YOU DECLINED THE
PROTECTIVE UNDERCOATING? I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS, BUDDY.
MEANWHILE, EVER SINCE "THE NEW YORK TIMES" BOUGHT WORDLE A FEW
WEEKS AGO, PLAYERS HAVE BEEN AFRAID THAT THE GAME WOULD
CHANGE, AND IT HAS, BECAUSE NOW THERE'S A SLEW OF AD TRACKING
TECH ON A GAME ONCE LAUDED FOR HAVING NONE AT ALL.
IN OTHER WORDS, WORDLE IS WATCHING YOU.
FINE, WHATEVER. BUT IF IT'S WATCHING, CAN IT
PITCH IN AND TELL ME IF THE "O" ISN'T THE SECOND LETTER, BUT
IT'S ALSO NOT THE THIRD LETTER, HOW CAN IT NOT BE OCEAN?!
SAY SOMETHING! ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AN AUCTION HOUSE IN NEW YORK HAS A PIECE OF SPORTS
MEMORABILIA ON THE BLOCK: A CIGAR THAT MICHAEL JORDAN
SMOKED, WITH A STARTING BID OF $500.
IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING, "ONE $500 TRASH."
MEANWHILE, A RACCOON FELL THROUGH THE CEILING INTO A
PACKED L.S.U. DINING HALL. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY,
TOMORROW'S DINING HALL SPECIAL IS "CEILING MEAT JAMBALAYA."
CEILING MEAT. ( APPLAUSE )
EXCITED ABOUT TODAY BEING 2/22/22--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE IT'S A PALINDROME!
AND THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY RARE, BECAUSE IT LANDED ON A TUESDAY
AND IS, THEREFORE, BEING CALLED "TWOSDAY."
THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED WAS 400 YEARS AGO, IN 1622, WHEN
THEY CALLED IT "SATAN'S ALIGNMENT," AND EVERY VILLAGE
BURNT TWO REDHEADS TO SAVE THE CROPS.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING NAMED
"WORLD TWOSDAY" WITH THE MESSAGE "LET'S MAKE IT A DAY OF TAKING
CARE OF OURSELVES. WHAT DO YOU DO TO MAKE IT A GOOD
DAY FOR YOURSELF? YOGA?
READING? SEE A GOOD FRIEND?
SPENDING TIME IN NATURE?" ME, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND BINGE
"EUPHORIA" WHILE EATING AN ENTIRE KROGER SHEET CAKE.
OR, AS I CALL IT: "TUESDAY." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪
WELL, IN HONOR OF TWOSDAY, TONIGHT'S "MEANWHILE" IS BROUGHT
TO YOU BY THE NUMBER 2! AND WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
GUEST. COME ON OUT AND SAY HELLO TO
EVERYBODY. THE NUMBER 2, EVERYBODY.
>> WHOOOO! ARE YOU READY TWO
PARTAYYYYYYYY?! GET IT?
TWO! TWO!
WHAT'S UP, STEVE! LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE!
>> Stephen: WELL, HELLO, UH, 2. YOU CERTAINLY DO SEEM TO BE
ENJOYING THE DAY. >> I'VE HAD 2 FIFTHS OF BOURBON,
2 BOTTLES OF ADDERALL I STOLE FROM 2 DIFFERENT PHARMACIES, AND
2 LOVERS! IT WAS 6 AND 9.
♪ CUZ, TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 2-2-22 ♪
WHOO! I WANNA FIST FIGHT A STOP SIGN!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE TONE I WAS EXPECTING, NUMBER
2. YOU'RE GOING PRETTY HARD THERE.
>> I AM GONNA MAKE THOSE PRUDES AT "SESAME STREET" REGRET FIRING
ME! I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS BLASTED
SINCE I HUNG WITH NUMBER 3 ON MARCH 3, 1333.
WE STOLE AN OX CART AND CRASHED IT INTO A BLACKSMITH'S!
THAT CHICK IS SKETCH A.F. STOLE MY BOYFRIEND.
DO NOT LEND HER MONEY. MORE PILLS!
( APPLAUSE ) HER!
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY?
>> SHUT UP, STEVE! THIS IS MY TIME!
YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. THIS HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THE
17th CENTURY. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN 400
YEARS! ASK ME WHO IT WAS.
>> Stephen: LOOK, IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY--
>> GALILEO! THAT TELESCOPE WASN'T THE ONLY
THING THAT EXPANDS. HE. WENT. TO. TOWN. ON. THIS.
WHOO! WHOO!
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN, 2, BUT I HEARD TODAY
IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SELF- CARE.
>> THIS IS SELF-CARE! I'M CELEBRATING ME FOR ONCE!
MY NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH TAKING A DUMP, AND I COME SECOND
AT LITERALLY EVERYTHING! WHY?
OH, BECAUSE OF YOU-KNOW-WHO. ( MOCKING )
YOU WERE BORN INTO IT! SCREW HER!
LET'S MAKE OUT! >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO THANK
YOU. >> THEN FIGHT ME!
I CAN'T B KILLED! >> Stephen: THE NUMBER 2,
EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN
TURTURRO. ♪ ♪ ♪
FANTASTIC. HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
TO THE BEST SHOW ON BROADWAY. WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?" "THE NIGHT OF," AND "THE
BIG LEBOWSKI." HIS NEW FILM IS "THE BATMAN."
>> SOME EVENT, HUH. THE ONE GUY IN THE CITY MORE
RECLUSIVE THAN ME. >> BUT YOU NEVER LEAVE THE
SHORELINE. AREN'T YOU AFRAID SOMEBODY WILL
TAKE A SHOT AT YOU? >> WHY, BECAUSE YOUR FATHER
ISN'T AROUND. YOU KNOW BRUCE WAYNE?
HIS FATHER SAVED MY LIFE. I GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST, RIGHT
HERE. I COULDN'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL,
SO WE SHOWED UP ON HIS DOORSTEP. OPERATED RIGHT ON THE DINING
ROOM TABLE. KID HERE, HE SAW THE WHOLE
THING, UP ON THE STAIRS LOOKING DOWN.
I REMEMBER YOUR FACE. YOU DON'T THINK THAT MEANT
SOMEBODY HE DID THAT? >> IT MEANS THE HIPPOCRATIC
OATH. >> HIPPOCRATIC OATH.
THAT'S GOOD. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN TURTURRO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> PEOPLE! WOW, NICE TO SEE THEM.
>> Stephen: ISN'T IT PLEASANT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANKS FOR BEING BACK. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: TIME DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE
LAST COUPLE OF YEARS. >> NO, WE'RE ALL ON ZOOM.
>> Stephen: BUT THE THING IS THAT I JUST FOUND OUT MOMENTS
AGO WHEN I WAS TALKING TO MY PRODUCER, THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE WAS FEBRUARY 27, 2020. IT'S RIGHT BEFORE EVERYTHING
SHUT DOWN. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> IT'S LOVELY TO BE BACK. >> Stephen: AFTER TWO YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). AND THAT-- THAT WAS THE DAY
BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY, RIGHT? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE DAY BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY, FEBRUARY 28.
AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT A WEEK AWAY FROM YOUR BIRTHDAY.
THANK YOU FOR MAKE IT A TRADITION TO CELEBRATE.
>> EVERY TWO YEARS, IT'S LIKE A HALF A LEAP YEAR.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE THE BIG 6-5.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: GOT ANY PLANS?
HOW ARE YOU CELEBRATING? >> I'M NOT RETIRING.
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, BUT STILL COLLECT THE SOCIAL
SECURITY. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN PAYING IN.
>> THEY SEND YOU THAT A.A.R.P. STUFF AND I PUT IT IN THE
GARBAGE. >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO
HAVE A PARTY, A BIG CELEBRATION? >> I'M HAVING DINNER WITH MY
FAMILY. >> Stephen: WE JUST SAW A CLIP
OF YOU IN THE NEW MOVIE "THE BATMAN."
"THE BATMAN." YOU'RE PLAYING CARMINE FALCONE.
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: MY BOSS IN THE
CITY. >> HE'S IN THE COMICS, YOU KNOW.
THE FRANK MILLER COMICS, YEAR ONE, THE LAST HALLOWEEN.
>> Stephen: AND UPSET ROBERT PATTINSON'S BATMAN.
I DON'T ASSOCIATE YOU NECESSARILY WITH PLAYING DEADLY
BADDIE. LIKE YOU'RE A BAD GUY WHO COULD
KILL YOU. >> I PLAYED BAD GUYS WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER, AND THEN I TRIED TO, YOU KNOW, GET AWAY FROM THAT A
LITTLE BIT. BUT I PLAYED A FEW BAD GUYS IN
MY DAY. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> "MILLER'S CROSSING." >> Stephen: BERNIE BERNBALM IS
A WEAK BAD GUY. >> HE'S SORT OF THE MAN BEHIND
THE CURTAIN, SORT OF THE PREDATOR WHO OFFERS SERVICES TO
PEOPLE AS A BENEFACTOR, AND THEN HE KIND OF, YOU KNOW, OWNS THEM.
>> Stephen: RIGHT IT'S VERY MENACING.
EVEN THAT LITTLE CLIP. >> I-- WHEN YOU PLAY A BAD GUY,
IT'S KIND OF FUN BECAUSE YOU GET TO BE SORT OF IRRESPONSIBLE IN
SOME WAYS. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO, LIKE-- >> YOU GET TO DO THINGS THAT YOU
CAN'T DO AT HOME. >> Stephen: OH, SURE?
>> NOT WASHING DISHES. NOT HAVE YOUR WIFE TELL YOU,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOOR, STEPHEN?" BUT, YOU KNOW, I KIND OF GREW UP
NOT THAT-- MY FATHER WAS A BUILDER AND HE WAS A VERY HONEST
GUY, BUT HE HAD PLENTY OF JOBS WHERE HE HAD TO WORK FOR THESE
TYPE OF PEOPLE. AND HE USED TO ALWAYS-- HE
WORKED FOR THIS ONE PARTICULAR GUY WHO WAS A BODY BUILDER AND
HE WAS-- THEY USED TO CALL HIM "SUPERMAN" ANOTHER D.C. COMIC
GUY BECAUSE HAD A BODY LIKE SUPERMAN.
AND MY FATHER USED TO TELL ME, "DON'T EVER LOOK HIM IN THE
EYES. WHEN YOU TALK TO HIM, KEEP YOUR
EYES ON THE GROUND." >> Stephen: REALLY?
>> NO, FOR REAL. BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID, LIKE,
THAT HE WOULD SEDUCE ME OR, YOU KNOW, LIKE, BECAUSE THEY DRAW
YOU INTO THEIR WEB. "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, KID?"
>> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL AS WE SAY.
>> HE THOUGHT HE AS SO STRONG. AND ONE DAY MY UNCLE, WHO WAS
VERY STRONG, THEY WERE LOOKING AT THIS BIG GIRDER, WHICH WAS
PART OF A FOUNDATION. AND HE WAS SAYING, "I THINK I
CAN MOVE IT," BECAUSE HE PROBABLY KILLS PEOPLE SO HE
THOUGHT HE COULD MOVE THE GIRDER.
AND HE TRIED, AND HE COULDN'T DO IT.
AND MY UNCLE, WHO WAS REALLY STRONG AND KNEW HOW TO DO IT
WITH HIS LEGS-- YOU KNOW, IT WAS VERY HEAVY.
AND HE TOOK IT OFF THE CINDER BLOCK, AND THE GUY LOOKED AT
HIM, LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I COULD STILL KILL YOU."
THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE, THEY'RE REALLY PARASITIC.
SO I KIND OF GREW UP ALWAYS STAYING AWAY FROM THAT.
BUT WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY YOUR
BEST YOU. >> Stephen: HAVE SOMETHING TO
TAP INTO THERE, A LITTLE EXPERIENCE.
A LITTLE IN THE EYE. >> IT'S KIND OF A FILM NOIRISH.
>> Stephen: "BATMAN" IS FILM NOIRISH.
>> THIS IS REALLY FILM NOIR IN MANY WAYS.
YOU SEE THEM TRYING TO SOLVE THE CRIME AND SORT OF BATMAN
BECOMING WHO WE GET TO KNOW HIM. HE'S AT THAT STAGE WHERE HE'S
SORT OF AWAKENING, AT THE STAGE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT KIDS
BETWEEN A CERTAIN AGE, WHERE THEY'RE STILL-- THEY DON'T KNOW
WHO THEY ARE, YOU KNOW. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
YOU WOULD BE GREAT IN A FILM NOIR.
>> Stephen: I WOULD BE? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, WHO AM I--
>> YOU WOULD BE GREAT IN FILM NOIR.
LIKE FRED MCMURRY WHEN HE WAS IN "DOUBLE ENDEMENTY."
>> Stephen: RIGHT, HE SEEMS LIKE HE'S A NICE GUY.
>> YOU GOT ALL DEAD BODIES BEHIND YOU AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SHHH!
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I 19 AND JON BATISTE AND I WE WOULD FIND--
WE'D BE THE DETECTIVES AND ARREST YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU AND JON? YOU'D TEAM UP TO TAKE ME DOWN?
AND NOBODY BELIEVES YOU! AND NOBODY BELIEVES WILL YOU!
BECAUSE I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE YOU.
>> BUT YOU'RE A GOOD ACTOR. YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: JOHN TURTURRO JUST SAID I'M A GOOD ACTOR.
>> I WOULD CAST YOU IN A FILM NOIR.
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD CAST ME--
>> IN A FILM, DEFINITELY. >> Stephen: DIRECT ME-- I'M
IN. I'M AVAILABLE.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: I'M BOOKED.
YOU CAN GET ME-- HOW ABOUT "THE BATMAN."
>> THERE WILL BE ANOTHER "BATMAN" AFTER THIS.
"THE BATMAN PART--" >> Stephen: "MORE BATMAN."
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, JOHN AND I WILL TALK ABOUT THE NEW MOVIE
WE'RE DOING TOGETHER.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE MAESTRO HIMSELF, JOHN TURTURRO.
WERE YOU D.C.-- >> I LIKE D.C.
MY FIRST LOVE, I HAVE TO BE HONEST, WAS ZORO.
THAT'S MY FIRST-- WHEN I WAS A KID.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> I USED TO DRAW THE MUSTACHE
AND HAVE THE MASK. AND I WOULD EPT CEREAL AND STUFF
LIKE, THAT I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY. WHEN ZORO WOULD COM
♪ DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA
♪ DA-DA♪ I HAD THE SWORD.
SO MY FATHER WOULD COME HOME FROM WORK AND I PUT THE "Z" ON
HIS STOMACH LIKE SERGEANT GARCIA.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, OF. >> I LOVED ZORO, BUT ZORO
SNRNESSED BATMAN. >> Stephen: FOR REAL?
>> ABSOLUTELY. HE'S THE PREDECESSOR.
THEY ALSO HAVE BLACK CAPES, BLACK MASKS.
THEY HAVE TWO IDENTITY. COME ON.
>> Stephen: THERE IT IS. >> I MEAN --
>> Stephen: THERE IS IT IS. >> THEY'RE LIKE COUSINS, ZORO
AND-- LET'S FACE IT, THE BLACK OUTFIT IS THE BEST OUTFIT.
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY SLENDERIZING.
>> EXCEPT ADAM WEST, HE HAD THE --
>> Stephen: HE DIDN'T WEAR BLACK.
>> NO. >> Stephen: HE WAS KIND OF
THAT-- LIKE ALMOST PERRY WINGLE BLUE WITH THE BIG UNDERWEAR AND
THE BELT BUCKLE AND THE UTILITY BELL.
>> HIS LINE READING IS "WHY IS JON BATISTE SITTING AT THE PIANO
OVER THERE?" WITH A QUESTION MARK.
BUT I LOVED HIS BODY. HE LOOKED LIKE A PLAYBOY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BODY I COULD ASPIRE TO.
I CANNOT-- I CANNOT ASPIRE TO ROBERT PATTINSON'S BODY.
I ALREADY HAVE-- I ALREADY HAVE ADAM WEST DOWN.
>> CAN YOU DO ADAM WEST? >> Stephen: I HAVE THE
PHYSIQUE. >> NO!
DO YOU REMEMBER-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED "BATMAN" WHEN YOU
WERE A KID. >> Stephen: OF COURSE.
>> WHEN THE GREEN HORNET CAME ON, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE GREEN
HORNET. I LOVED BATMAN --
>> Stephen: BUT IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING, RIGHT?
THEY THOUGHT GREEN HORNET WAS A BAD GUY, BUT HE WASN'T.
>> ONCE I SAW CATO, HE WAS ALSO DRESSED IN BLACK.
>> Stephen: WITH ANOTHER MASK. I KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING YOU FOR
YOUR BIRTHDAY. THE RAPIER.
FANTASTIC. >> THE NEXT TIME WE SHOULD --
>> Stephen: IN THE-- >> HE HAS ONE OF THOSE NAMES
THAT HE'D -- >> Stephen: JON BATISTE?
>> WITH THE SWORD. >> Stephen: 100%.
>> HE SHOULD HAVE THE SWORD, THE ALBUM MAN.
( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: THEN A-- AND THEN
HE PLAYS THE PIANO, LIKE THAT. FANTASTIC.
HE ALSO WOULD BE GOOD IN A MOVIE, TOO.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE HE WOULD BE GOOD IN A MOVIE.
>> I THINK WE'RE WORKING ON SOMETHING RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: I THINK SO, TOO. >> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW WHO WILL BE THE SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE DEFINITELY
THE BAD GUY. ( APPLAUSE ).
I'M HONORED. >> Stephen: "THE BATMAN" IS IN
THEATERS MARCH 4. IT'S JOHN TURTURRO, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CNN'S JOHN AVLON.
HERE WE GO. BACK IN THE SADDLE.
CAN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN AUTHOR AND SENIOR POLITICAL ANALYST AT CNN.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN AVLON!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
THANKS FOR BEING HERE. NICE TO SEE YOU BEGAN.
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. >> Stephen: ALL EYES ARE ON
RUSSIA AND UKRAINE. PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE TODAY,
CALLED THIS THE BEGINNING OF AN INVASION.
WHAT DID YOU THINK-- TWO PARTS, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF BIDEN'S
SPEECH? AND WHAT IS THE BEGINNING OF
INVASION? HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT THAN AN
INVASION? IS THAT A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT?
( LAUGHTER ). PUTIN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE THE
WORLD, RIGHT. YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO SAY
THESE TWO-- THESE TWO REGIONS OF UKRAINE ARE ACTUALLY PART OF
RUSSIA. SO WE'RE GOING TO SEND IN
PEACEKEEPERS, BUT IT'S AN INVASION.
HE JUST HASN'T MOVED ON KYIV YET.
LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL-- BIDEN'S GOT TO MAKE THE CASE TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR WHY UKRAINE MATTERS.
BUT HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN SETTING THIS UP FOR A LONG TIME.
HE'S BEEN VERY CONSISTENT SAYING THE CHALLENGE OF OUR TIME IS
DEMOCRACY VERSUS AUTOCRACY. >> Stephen: IT COULD NOT BE
MORE STARKLY LAID OUT. >> THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW. THIS IS VLADIMIR PUTIN MOVING
AGAINST THE INTERNATIONAL ORDER, EVERYTHING FROM
SELF-DETERMINATION TO LAWS TO DECENCY TO DEMOCRACY.
AND SAYING THAT MIGHT MAKES RIGHT.
AND THEN IT'S UP TO THE DEMOCRACIES OF THE WORLD-- THANK
YOU -- >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> THE DEMOCRACIES OF THE WORLD TO STAND UP, STAND TOGETHER, AND
SAY, NO, THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND.
AND WE'LL SEE IN SANCTIONS IN A TARGETED WAY ARE ENOUGH TO DETER
HIM, AS LONG AS THE ELITES IN THE KREMLIN, THE KLEPTOCRATS
FEEL THE PAIN. WE DON'T WANT A HOT WAR, WE'RE
NOT GOING TO HAVE ONE HERE. BUT THIS IS A FRONT TO
DEMOCRACY. AND IT'S A TEST CASE TO THE
TRAJECTORY OF THE REST OF THE CENTURY.
MAKE NO MISTAKE-- UKRAINE TODAY, TAIWAN TOMORROW.
SO WATCH OUT. >> Stephen: THAT IS THE-- THAT
IS THE-- THAT IS SORT OF THE CHILLING PART OF THIS.
>> YES. >> Stephen: THAT IT DOES FEEL
LIKE THE OPENING MOVE OF A VERY LONG CHESS GAME OF REORGANIZING
THE INTERNATIONAL POLITICAL REALITY AND THE POST-WORLD WAR
II. HOWEVER IMPERFECT THE POST-WORLD
WAR II PIECE. >> PERFECT IS NEVER ON THE MENU.
>> Stephen: RIGHT. >> BUT WE CAN'T TAKE OUR GAINS
FOR GRANTED. YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T TAKE
DEMOCRACY FOR GRANTED. AND I THINK THERE'S A DANGER OF
THAT. WE SEE IT HERE AT HOME.
WE CERTAINLY SEE IT ABROAD RIGHT NOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE SAYING, "WHY
DOES THIS MATTER?" IT MATTERS BECAUSE, YOU SAID,
WE'VE HAD 75 YEARS OF RELATIVE PEACE AND PROSPERITY IN EUROPE.
THAT'S VIRTUALLY UNHEARD OF IN HUMAN HISTORY, RIGHT.
THOSE FOLKS WERE KILLING EACH OTHER FOR CENTURIES.
AND YET, WHAT HAPPENED IS WE WON THE PEACE AFTER THE SECOND WORLD
WAR, RIGHT. I MEAN, WE INSISTED, FOLLOWING
ACTUALLY LINCOLN'S PRESCRIPTION, UNDELEGATE SURRENDER FOLLOWED BY
MAGNANIMOUS PEACE. WE INVESTED IN PEACE IN THE FORM
OF THE MARSHALL PLAN. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
INTERESTINGLY-- I APPRECIATE THE LITTLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT THERE.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO GET TO IT IN JUST A MOMENT, I
PROMISE. >> WHERE ACTUALLY THIS BOOK CAME
FROM IS REALLY RELEVANT TO THAT. I FOUND A QUOTE FROM GENERAL
LUCCUOUS CLAY, WHO THE AMERICAN GENERAL WHO DID THE GERMAN
OCCUPATION. HE WAS BORN 30 YEARS AFTER THE
CIVIL WAR DIS. SOMEONE ASKED HIM, "WHAT GUIDED YOUR
DECISIONS?" AND HE SAID, "I TRIED TO THINK
WHAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN WOULD HAVE DONE FOR THE SOUTH IF HE HAD
LIVED. AND IT'S THAT SENSE, INVESTING
IN PEACE IS THE KEY. YOU NEED TO WAGE PEACE.
>> Stephen: THE NAME OF THE BOOK IS "LINCOLN AND THE FIGHT
FOR PEACE." IS WHAT IS THAT FIGHT FOR PEACE?
>> WHAT LINCOLN UNDERSTOOD-- AND I THINK THE FACT OF THE CIVIL
WAR-- THERE HAD NEVER BEEN A CIVIL WAR ON THAT SCALE BEFORE
IN HUMAN HISTORY. >> Stephen: THERE HADN'T BEEN
ANY KIND OF WAR AT THAT SCALE. IT WAS SORT OF FIRST MODERN WAR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. SO A SAVAGERY THAT WAS
UNIMAGINABLE. YOU KNOW, THREE-QUARTERS OF A
MILLION AMERICANS DIED, AMERICANS ON BOTH SIDES.
AND WHAT'S-- DEMOCRACY WAS, YOU KNOW, AT STAKE BECAUSE,
REMEMBER, IT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO BASICALLY DECIDE THAT ABRAHAM
LINCOLN WAS AN ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENT, AN INSURRECTION, AN
ATTACK TO SEPARATE. IT WAS ABOUT SLAVERY, FOUR
MILLION AMERICAN SLAVES, IT WAS ABOUT FREEDOM.
BUT LINCOLN UNDERSTOOD THIS KEY FACT-- AND THIS IS THE FIGHT FOR
PEACE-- IF YOU DON'T WIN THE PEACE, YOU DON'T REALLY WIN THE
WAR. AND IN A SELF-WAR, YOU CAN'T
POUND YOUR OPPONENTS INTO SUBMISSION.
YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN.
AND SO LINCOLN WAS THINKING LONG TERM, PAST THAT IMMEDIATE CAUSE
AND EFFECT. AND HE WAS DEVELOPING A PLAN TO
WIN THE PEACE WITH MALS TOWARD NONE, WITH CHARITY FOR ALL.
HE WAS SETTING THE STAGE. BUT THEN HE'S ASSASSINATED AND
HE NEVER GETS TO IMPLEMENT THAT BUSINESS.
IT'S HIS UNFINISHED SYMPATHY. >> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS
LINCOLN TALKED ABOUT IN HIS FIRST INAUGURAL, WAS APPEALING
TO THE BETTER ANGELS. PEOPLE OFTEN TALK ABOUT OUR
PRESENT NATIONAL CONDITION AS A COLD CIVIL WAR, WHEREAS WE
CERTAINLY, ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT OFTEN GEGRASHLY, WE SELF-SELECT
FOR OUR OWN COMMUNITIES AND WE DON'T LISTEN TO EACH OTHER
ANYMORE. WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT LINCOLN'S
GOALS WERE AND WHAT HIS DREAM WAS FOR THE POST-CIVIL WAR
AMERICA WHAT, DO YOU SEE AS A PRESCRIPTION FOR US TO APPEAL TO
THE BETTER ANGELS OF OUR NATURE NOW?
WHAT ARE THOSE BETTER ANGELS WE CAN CALL ON?
BECAUSE THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THIS DARK MOMENT. >> WHAT LINCOLN REALLY
UNDERSTOOD, ASIDE FROM THE FACT EVEN IN THE CIVIL WAR, HE
UNDERSTOOD THERE WAS MORE THAT UNITED US THAN DIVIDED ALSO AS
AMERICANS. THAT'S TOUGH TO DO.
HE DIDN'T DEMONIZE PEOPLE HE DISAGREEWITH.
BUT HE PRACTICEDLY THE POLITICS OF GOLDEN RULE-- TREAT OTHER
PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED.
AND IT'S JUST AS DIFFICULT AND POWERFUL AS THAT.
LOOK, OUR EMPTHIGH HAS BEEN TESTED, ALL OF US.
BUT THE FACT THAT HE BALANCED HIS MORAL COURAGE WITH
MODERATION, THAT HE NEVER FELT A SENSE OF MORAL SUPERIORITY.
THAT HE TRIED TO REASON WITH PEOPLE USING EMPATHY AS A
PATHWAY TO PERSUASION, EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CIVIL WAR, THAT
IF HE COULD DO IT THEN, THAT EVEN THOUGH THAT EXAMPLE SEEMS
IMPOSSIBLY HIGH-- AND IT WAS RARE IN HIS TIME, TOO-- THAT
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED TO AIM TOWARD.
WE'LL FALL SHORT, BUT WE NEED TO AIM TOWARDS THAT AGAIN.
AND REMEMBER THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS ARE NOT THE
SCREAMERS AND THE PROFESSIONAL DIVIDERS AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRYING TO PROFIT OFF ALL THIS POLARIZATION.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY GOOD.
AND WE NEED TORM THAT AND THEN BUILD ON THAT.
( APPLAUSE ). BOOK.
IT IS A PROFOUND MEDICATION AND LESSON FOR US ALL AND A
BEAUTIFUL WORK. >> THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
>> Stephen: "LINCOLN AND THE FIGHT FOR PEACE" IS AVAILABLE
NOW. JOHN AVLON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE THE HOSTS OF "THE
CIRCUS" ON SHOWTIME. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.