1 00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:06,139 THE RAPPER -- THE RAPPER HAS BEEN BLOWING UP THE INTERNET, 2 00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:08,408 THANKS TO HIS POST-ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 3 00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:11,478 THE GRAMMY WINNER SHARED A LIST FROM HIP-HOP BY THE NUMBERS 4 00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:16,950 CLAIMING CELEBRITIES WEST HAS BEEF WITH, INCLUDING -- THIS IS 5 00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:20,120 UNFAIR -- ONE MISS PEPPA PIG. APPARENTLY, IT GOES BACK TO 6 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,056 SEPTEMBER WHEN PITCHFORK RANKED UP A SOUND TRACK HALF A POINT 7 00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,824 HIGHER THAN WEST'S LATEST ALBUM -- 8 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:33,266 >> MR. ELEPHANT... 9 00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:57,724 PEPPA PIG OUT! 10 00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:03,329 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 11 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:09,803 TONIGHT, FROM RAGS TO WORDS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOSEPH 12 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:19,446 GORDON-LEVITT AND MUSICAL GUEST alt-J, FEATURING JON BATISTE 13 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:25,552 AND "STAY HUMAN." AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED 14 00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:40,500 SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 15 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:44,103 SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:54,047 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 17 00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:56,149 >> Stephen: PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY! 18 00:01:56,216 --> 00:02:00,954 THANK YOU VERY MUCH! DELIGHTFUL CROWD! 19 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:04,057 DELIGHTFUL CROWD. I CAN WARM MYSELF BY YOU. 20 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:08,161 THAT IS DELIGHTFUL WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE TO 21 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:14,601 "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 22 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,670 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO START OFF BY WISHING 23 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,305 EVERYBODY A HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY. 24 00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,442 THE G.O.P. WOULD SAY NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE THE PILLOW GUY HAS 25 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:26,913 EVIDENCE OF MILLIONS OF DAYS HACKED INTO THE CALENDAR BY DEAD 26 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,682 HUGO CHAVEZ. THE QUESTION IS OBVIOUSLY EVERY 27 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,718 YEAR WHICH PRESIDENT ARE WE CELEBRATING? 28 00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:35,955 CHECK YOUR LOCAL DINER PLACE MATS BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHICH 29 00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:40,126 STATE YOU LIVE IN TODAY COULD HONOR THE FIRST PRESIDENT, FIRST 30 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:44,764 AND THIRD, FIRST AND 16 16th PRESIDENTS OR ALL 31 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,499 PRESIDENTS. AS A TRADITIONALIST I BELIEVE 32 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,935 TODAY WE HONOR GEORGE WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND 33 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:57,577 RUTHERFORD B. MATTRESS SALE. ( LAUGHTER ) 34 00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:59,646 OF COURSE, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE PRESIDENT ON THIS PRESIDENTS 35 00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:05,251 DAY, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU. BECAUSE RUSSIA CONTINUES TO BE 36 00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,921 RUSSIA. THEY HAVE BEEN AMASSING TROOPS 37 00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:09,188 AROUND UKRAINE FOR WEEKS, AND THIS WEEKEND, BIDEN SAID THAT 38 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,356 PUTIN HAS MADE THE DECISION TO INVADE. 39 00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:12,025 PLUS, U.S. INTELLIGENCE ( SAYS AN ORDER HAS BEEN GIVEN TO 40 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:15,128 RUSSIAN SUBORDINATES TO PROCEED WITH A FULL-SCALE ATTACK. 41 00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:16,296 THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT THERE MIGHT STILL BE TIME TO STOP THE 42 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:20,833 INVASION. BECAUSE, THE BIG RUSSIAN GENERAL 43 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,435 HAS TO TELL THE SLIGHTLY SMALLER GENERAL WHO HAS TO TELL THE 44 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:25,872 SLIGHTLY SMALLER GENERAL AND SO ON. 45 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,174 THEY CAN'T FIND THE TINIEST COMMANDER CUZ HE WAS EATEN BY 46 00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:39,552 THE DOG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 47 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,854 THE U.S. SAYS RUSSIA'S LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO INVADE, SO 48 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:45,625 PEOPLE GOT PRETTY NERVOUS ON SATURDAY, WHEN RUSSIAN 49 00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:49,395 SEPARATISTS STARTED SHELLING UKRAINIAN ARMY POSITIONS, WHICH 50 00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:52,198 U.S. OFFICIALS WARN COULD BE THE PRELUDE TO DIRECT RUSSIAN 51 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:56,035 MILITARY ACTION. NOW, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT 52 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:57,870 ONCE YOU'RE SHELLING, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH 53 00:03:57,937 --> 00:04:01,908 "DIRECT MILITARY ACTION." SLOW DOWN, YOU TWO. 54 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,478 I'M WORRIED THIS GETTING COMPLETELY NAKED AND BUMPING 55 00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:10,183 JUNK MIGHT LEAD TO DIRECT SEXUAL ACTION. 56 00:04:10,249 --> 00:04:15,421 ( LAUGHTER ) RUSSIAN OFFICIALS -- I'M 57 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,857 WATCHING IT WHILE IT'S HAPPENING. 58 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:21,461 I'M A REFEREE? HOPE I HAVE A WHISTLE. 59 00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:22,562 ( LAUGHTER ) UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS AND OUTSIDE 60 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:23,696 OBSERVERS SAY THE SHELLING CAME EXCLUSIVELY FROM THE 61 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,598 SEPARATISTS. BUT THE RUSSIAN SEPARATISTS 62 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:30,470 CLAIM THERE WAS SHELLING FROM BOTH SIDES. 63 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:37,877 IT'S A REAL "HE SHELLED, SHE SHELLED BY THE SEA SHORE." 64 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,746 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE SHELLED? 65 00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:45,485 HE SHELLED SHE SHELLED. YESTERDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SAID 66 00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:49,889 BIDEN HAS AGREED TO MEET WITH PUTIN 'IN PRINCIPLE' AS LONG AS 67 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,191 RUSSIA DOES NOT INVADE UKRAINE. OKAY, BUT THAT SEEMS TO GO 68 00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,860 WITHOUT SAYING. IT'S LIKE A WEDDING R.S.V.P. 69 00:04:53,926 --> 00:05:02,902 THAT SAYS 70 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,203 >> STEPHEN: THIS POTENTIAL SUMMIT IS THE BRAINCHILD OF 71 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:09,876 FRENCH PRESIDENT AND MAN PRACTICING "CROTCHPLOMACY," 72 00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:13,880 EMMANUEL MACRON. HE WANTS TO GET THE THREE OF 73 00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:16,082 THEM TOGETHER. THAT'S THE FRENCH FOR YOU. 74 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:21,254 ALWAYS TRYING TO START A MENAGE-A-TROIS. 75 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:25,858 (AS MACRON) VLAD, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU START 76 00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:29,929 FORGING DIPLOMATIC TIES? OVER ON THAT REALLY TABLE? 77 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:35,034 I WILL JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH. KISSING! 78 00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:37,503 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW. 79 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:41,841 I DON'T KNOW. POOR FRIDGE. 80 00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:44,677 U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN "FACED THE NATION" 81 00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,446 YESTERDAY, AND REITERATED THE PRESIDENT'S WILLINGNESS TO MEET: 82 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,215 >> PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS MADE VERY CLEAR THAT HE'S PREPARED TO MEET 83 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:52,185 PRESIDENT PUTIN AT ANY TIME, IN ANY FORMAT IF THAT CAN HELP 84 00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:57,857 PREVENT A WAR. >> STEPHEN: ANY FORMAT? 85 00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:01,394 I VOTE KARAOKE. ( LAUGHTER ) 86 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:02,295 (AS BIDEN) VLAD, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT WITH 87 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:03,129 THE POWER OF MUSIC. LET'S DO SHALLOW: 88 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,197 (SINGING) TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK. 89 00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:09,602 C'MON! DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO SING 90 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:16,209 THAT SONG, UNFORTUNATELY. TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK, COME 91 00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:17,877 ON! HOW DOES THAT GO? 92 00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:21,514 LET'S GET SHALLOW. >> Jon: WING IT, WING IT. 93 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:25,852 >> Stephen: BLINKEN WASN'T THE ONLY ONE 94 00:06:25,918 --> 00:06:28,187 "FACING THE NATION'S FACE." RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S., 95 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,756 ANATOLY ANTONOV, WAS ALSO ON TO TELL MARGARET BRENNAN THERE WAS 96 00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:33,860 NO REASON TO HAVE HIM ON. >> THERE IS NO INVASION AND 97 00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:37,864 THERE IS NO SUCH PLANS. RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE ON SOVEREIGN 98 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:41,801 RUSSIAN TERRITORY. WE DON'T THREATEN ANYONE. 99 00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,469 >> STEPHEN: YES, RUSSIA'S NOT THREATENING ANYONE. 100 00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:48,241 THAT'S JUST HOW THEY SHOW AFFECTION. 101 00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:50,309 IN RUSSIA, IF A BOY SURROUNDS YOUR HOUSE WITH TANKS, THAT'S A 102 00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:55,815 PROM-POSAL. ( LAUGHTER ) 103 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,049 ANTONOV ALSO DOUBLED DOWN ON THE LIE THAT RUSSIA IS WITHDRAWING 104 00:06:57,116 --> 00:07:01,888 TROOPS. >> YOU'LL SEE THAT WE DID A LOT 105 00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:04,190 OF TO WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM VARIOUS REGIONS THAT ARE VERY 106 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:12,131 CLOSE TO BALTIC STATES, TO EASTERN EUROPEAN STATES. 107 00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:15,601 WE WITHDRAWAL A LOT OF TROOPS FROM KALININGRAD AREA. 108 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:21,007 AND NOBODY EVEN SAID US THANK YOU. 109 00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:24,076 >> Stephen: WOW... THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. 110 00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,813 DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT ALL, DOES IT, JON? 111 00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:35,121 THAT IS JUST RUDE! NO "THANK YOU"? 112 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,723 HOW HARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FOR THE LITHUANIANS TO SEND A NICE 113 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,858 CARD THAT SAID 114 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:43,729 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE 115 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:55,675 PUTIN IS ANXIOUS TO ATTEND THIS SUMMIT, BECAUSE TODAY, HE 116 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:58,110 ABRUPTLY SUMMONED HIS SECURITY COUNCIL. 117 00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:00,279 YOU CAN TELL IT MADE THEM NERVOUS BY HOW FAR AWAY FROM HIM 118 00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:04,250 THEY SAT. ACCORDING TO PUTIN, THIS MEETING 119 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:09,455 WAS A SURPRISE. AS HE TOLD THEM: 120 00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:11,724 EVERY ONE OF YOU KNOWS, AND I SPECIALLY WANT TO UNDERLINE IT, 121 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,960 I DID NOT DISCUSS ANY OF THIS WITH YOU BEFORE. 122 00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:16,262 I DID NOT ASK YOUR OPINION BEFORE. 123 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,165 AND THIS IS HAPPENING SPONTANEOUSLY, BECAUSE I WANTED 124 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:22,368 TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS WITHOUT ANY PRELIMINARY PREPARATION. 125 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,270 (AS PUTIN) PLEASE, BE HONEST. 126 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,772 DO YOU BELIEVE I AM RIGHT ON THE MATTER OF UKRAINE 127 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:32,278 OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ADMIRE THE VIEW OUT THE WINDOW? 128 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:37,917 ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK HOW FAR THE STREET IS! 129 00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:38,985 ( LAUGHTER ) THE MEETING CAUSED TENSION FOR 130 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:40,253 JUST ABOUT EVERYONE. LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL COMMENT ON 131 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:44,257 THE YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM: "PLEASE DO NOT START A FRICKIN' 132 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:52,265 WAR WE NEED BITCOIN TO GO UP." ( LAUGHTER ) 133 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:56,269 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FINALLY, A CALL FOR SANITY-- 134 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:59,605 THIS VIOLENCE COULD AFFECT OUR FAD PURCHASES. 135 00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:01,574 IT'S LIKE THOSE FAMOUS PROTEST SIGNS DURING VIETNAM: 136 00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:05,444 MAKE LOVE, NOT HIGHER PRICES ON SEA MONKEYS. 137 00:09:05,511 --> 00:09:08,314 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST HOURS AFTER HIS SURPRISE 138 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:13,719 MEETING, PUTIN GAVE A SPEECH RECOGNIZING THE I WANT OF MOSCOW 139 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:17,256 BACKED BREAKAWAY REGIONS IN EASTERN UKRAINE AND CALLING THE 140 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:21,727 EASTERN PART OF THE COUNTRY ANCIENT RUSSIAN LANDS. 141 00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:23,796 SO THEY'RE INDEPENDENT, BUT ALSO BELONG TO RUSSIA. 142 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,765 PUTIN'S JUST LIVING THE SPIRIT OF THAT OLD SAYING: 143 00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:28,167 IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING LET IT GO. 144 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:32,271 IF IT DOESN'T COME BACK, SURROUND IT WITH 190,000 TROOPS. 145 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:36,275 THEN ASK IT AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER ) 146 00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:45,551 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 147 00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:46,752 AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, STATE TELEVISION SHOWED PUTIN AT THE 148 00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:50,189 KREMLIN SIGNING DECREES RECOGNIZING THE SO-CALLED 149 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,258 DONETSK AND LUHANSK PEOPLE'S REPUBLICS, AND ALSO SIGNED 150 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:56,262 FRIENDSHIP AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE TREATIES ALSO SIGNED FRIENDSHIP 151 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:59,298 AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE TREATIES WITH THE NEW FAKE COUNTRIES. 152 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,866 MUTUAL ASSISTANCE MEANS HE'S CREATING HIS OWN THREE-COUNTRY 153 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,270 DEFENSE PACT. WE'VE GOT NATO. 154 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:08,307 HE'S GOT: INVADE-O. ( LAUGHTER ) 155 00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:11,410 AND HE'S ALREADY ORDERED RUSSIAN TROOPS TO GO IN AS PEACE-KEEPERS 156 00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:13,913 TO DEFEND HIS MADEUP PUPPET COUNTRIES. 157 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,282 KEEP IN MIND, LAST WEEK, SECRETARY BLINKEN WARNED THAT 158 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,986 SUCH A MOVE WOULD NECESSITATE A SWIFT AND FIRM RESPONSE FROM THE 159 00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:22,488 UNITED STATES IN FULL COORDINATION WITH OUR ALLIES AND 160 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:25,658 PARTNERS. SWIFT AND FIRM. 161 00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,260 SO IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, THE UNITED STATES 162 00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:32,264 BROUGHT THE HAMMER DOWN, ON --NOT VLADIMIR PUTIN. 163 00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:35,201 INSTEAD, WE WILL IMPOSE LIMITED ECONOMIC SANCTIONS ON THE TWO 164 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:38,204 SEPARATIST REGIONS, BUT WOULD STOP SHORT OF IMPOSING ANY 165 00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:41,807 PENALTIES DIRECTLY ON RUSSIA FOR NOW. 166 00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:44,276 THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE CRACKING DOWN ON THE ECONOMY OF EASTERN 167 00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:52,284 UKRAINE. SO GET READY FOR HIGHER PRICES 168 00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:55,421 ON BLEAK. ( LAUGHTER ) 169 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,689 THANKFULLY, THE OTHER MAJOR INTERNATIONAL 170 00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:58,424 CONFLICT HAS ENDED; THE WINTER OLYMPICS CLOSED LAST 171 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,859 NIGHT, AND IN THE SPIRIT OF SPORTSMANSHIP AND GLOBAL 172 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:02,695 HARMONY, LET'S BOO THE TEAM THAT BEAT US FOR MOST MEDALS: 173 00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:08,067 NORWAY. BOOO! 174 00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,102 BOOO! I HATE SOMETHING! 175 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,271 I WILL LEARN ABOUT YOU LATER--WHAT DO THEY HAVE? 176 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:19,912 PICKLED HERRING? # 177 00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:24,283 BOO! STUPID SALTY FISH! 178 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,453 BOO, LICORICE! OF COURSE NORWAY WON THE WINTER 179 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,821 OLYMPICS-- THEY INVENTED WINTER. AMERICANS WOULD DOMINATE IF IT 180 00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:32,258 WAS THE "GETTING IN A FISTFIGHT OVER STEAK AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL" 181 00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:34,593 OLYMPICS. ( LAUGHTER ) 182 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:39,365 IT'S NORWAY! IT'S NORDIC SPORTS. 183 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,369 NORD IS IN THEIR NAME! IT'S LIKE LOSING A SWIMMING 184 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,837 CONTEST WITH AQUAMAN. THE TOP 5 GOLD-GETTING NATIONS 185 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,605 WERE NORWAY WITH 16 186 00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:49,508 GERMANY WITH 12 CHINA WITH 9 187 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:55,981 THEN THE U.S. AND SWEDEN WITH EIGHT EACH. 188 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,617 YEAH, WE TIED SWEDEN, BUT WE STILL WIN, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO 189 00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:04,256 ASSEMBLE THEIR OWN MEDALS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 190 00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:07,226 ( PIANO RIFF ) AND I HAVE PIECES LEFT OVER. 191 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:10,596 SOME ATHLETES GOT MORE THAN A MEDAL. 192 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:15,367 LIKE ONE CROSS-COUNTRY SKIER, WHO SUFFERED FROM FROZEN PENIS. 193 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:20,272 OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ITS OFFICIAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS: 194 00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:22,608 CHILLY WILLY. ( LAUGHTER ) 195 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,276 POOR GUY. POOR GUY! 196 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:32,284 WE'RE LAUGHING AT THIS MAN'S FROZEN PENIS. 197 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:34,587 THE FROZEN PENIS IN QUESTION IS PRESENTLY ATTACHED TO WINTER 198 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,756 ATHLETE REMI LINDHOLM, SEEN HERE WISHING HIS PENIS WAS WARMER. 199 00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:43,696 HOW DID THE DONGSICLE COME ABOUT? 200 00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:46,132 LINDHOLM SPENT OVER AN HOUR SKIING IN HOWLING, FREEZING 201 00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:48,767 WINDS, LEADING TO HIS PENIS BECOMING FROZEN FOR THE SECOND 202 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,271 TIME IN A CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING RACE. 203 00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:57,610 THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE? AND HE KEPT SKIING? 204 00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:00,279 IF BEING IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER GAVE 'ME' FROZEN PENIS, 205 00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:09,655 I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED. IT IS VERY COLD IN HERE. 206 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,457 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY OKAY? 207 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:15,928 EVERYBODY OKAY? YOU OKAY OVER THERE? 208 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:19,031 LINDHOLM'S FROSTY GROIN WAS SO BAD, THAT AFTER THE RACE, HE HAD 209 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:22,601 TO USE A HEAT PACK TO TRY TO THAW OUT HIS APPENDAGE. 210 00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:24,503 OK, YOU GOTTA DO IT. BUT REMEMBER, NEVER LET YOUR 211 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:28,274 PENIS DEFROST ON THE COUNTER. PUT IT IN A BOWL OF WATER IN THE 212 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:32,278 FRIDGE. SALMONELLA. 213 00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:34,613 ( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS SOUNDS PAINFUL, YES. 214 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,783 AS LINDHOLM SAID: WHEN THE BODY PARTS STARTED TO 215 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:42,121 WARM UP AFTER THE FINISH, THE PAIN WAS UNBEARABLE,. 216 00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:44,156 AS OPPOSED TO 'BEARABLE' FROZEN PENIS? 217 00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:46,625 HEY, MAN, I HEARD YOUR PENIS FROZE. 218 00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:50,563 YEAH, IT WAS OKAY. ANYBODY NEED TO HANG A TOWEL? 219 00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:52,264 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 220 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:56,268 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT. 221 00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,306 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HAVE A MAJOR UPDATE ON N.F.T.S. 222 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,345 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY. 223 00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:54,293 ( HUMMING ) JON, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT 224 00:14:54,360 --> 00:15:05,804 ( HUMMING ) JON, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT 225 00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,740 YOUR WEEKEND IN A MOMENT. I WANT TO ASK ABOUT YOUR 226 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:09,608 SATURDAY NIGHT IN JUST A MOMENT HERE. 227 00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:12,645 BUT I HOLD IN MY HANDS THE QUESTIONS HERE FOR OUR GUESTS 228 00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:17,182 TONIGHT, THE WONDERFUL, THE TALENTED REALLY WONDERFUL JOSEPH 229 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,952 GORDON-LEVITT IS HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 230 00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:22,321 IN THE HOUSE, WOW! GOING TO. 231 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:30,863 ♪ GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT! ♪ >> Stephen: BECAUSE OF ONE OF 232 00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:36,902 MY WRITERS SAID YEARS AGO, HE COULDN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME, AND 233 00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:40,739 I WILL NEVER FORGET THE NAME JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT BECAUSE I'M 234 00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:45,044 A HUGE FAN. EVERY TIME IN MY MIND I SAY 235 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:50,482 JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITTIVE THINKING JORDAN GAVIN LEWITT. 236 00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:51,684 ( LAUGHTER ) HE KNOWS THIS. 237 00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:58,257 I'VE TOLD HIM THIS BEFORE. HERE, JO JON, I KNOW ON SATURDAY 238 00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:02,761 NIGHT YOU PLAYED AN EXTRAORDINARY DARING PROGRAM AT 239 00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:06,565 CARNEGIE HALL. TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID. 240 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:10,669 TELL THEM ABOUT STRINGS. >> I WENT ON STAGE WITH JUST THE 241 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:12,604 PIANO. >> Stephen: THE PIANO WAS 242 00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:15,774 ALREADY THERE, RIGHT. >> IT WAS THERE BUT THE MUSIC 243 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:22,014 WASN'T. IT WAS COMPLETELY IMPROVISED, 90 244 00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,483 MINUTES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 245 00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:29,888 >> Stephen: I'M JUST CURIOUS WHY -- WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? 246 00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,991 >> IT'S SOMETHING VERY TRANSCENDENT ABOUT ALLOWING 247 00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,527 YOURSELF TO BE A VESSEL IN THE MOMENT FOR THE MUSIC THAT'S 248 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,230 ALWAYS IN THE AIR. >> Stephen: YEAH. 249 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:42,067 >> Jon: IT'S ALWAYS THERE. IT'S A CURRENT THAT'S THERE. 250 00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,737 YOU CAN TIP INTO THE STREAM, THE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS. 251 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:49,274 WE DO IT WITH OUR DREAMS, OUR THOUGHTS, BUT TO DO IT WITH 252 00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:53,479 MUSIC, IT'S TERRIFYING BUT IT'S ALSO INCREDIBLY TRANSCENDENT. 253 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:56,682 IT CAN BE A WAY TO GIVE THAT TO THE PEOPLE SO, WHEN THEY LEAVE, 254 00:16:56,749 --> 00:17:02,855 THEY CAN LIVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT, THEY CAN LIVE FREE AND TRULY 255 00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:05,524 EXIST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 256 00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:12,197 >> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE 257 00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:14,800 BETWEEN US. YOU LIKE TO IMPROVISE AND I LIKE 258 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:18,871 TO READ THE QUESTIONS OFF THE CARD OVER THERE. 259 00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:21,407 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 260 00:17:21,473 --> 00:17:23,342 THAT. >> Stephen: FULL CIRCLE, BABY. 261 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:24,977 >> Jon: I THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. 262 00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:28,981 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, COME ON, NOW. 263 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,249 FOLKS, IT'S A SAD FACT THAT, ACROSS THE COUNTRY, CLASSROOMS 264 00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,418 ARE CHRONICALLY UNDERFUNDED. AMERICAN BIOLOGY TEXTBOOKS ARE 265 00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:36,121 SO OLD, THE FIRST CHAPTER IS ABOUT "THE HUMORS." 266 00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:38,857 MY ALCHEMIST SAYS I HAVE TOO MUCH BILE. 267 00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:42,861 WELL, I WANT TO HELP. REGULAR VIEWERS MAY REMEMBER, A 268 00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:46,999 FEW MONTHS AGO, I EXPLAINED TO AMERICA WHAT N.F.T.'S, OR 269 00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:50,602 NON FUNGIBLE TOKENS ARE. IN SHORT, YOU SEE A DIGITAL 270 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,205 THINGAMABOB YOU WANT TO BUY, LIKE A PICTURE OR A SONG. 271 00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,007 THEN, YOU PURCHASE IT ONLINE USING CRYPTOCURRENCY. 272 00:17:55,073 --> 00:18:01,046 THEN, YOUR PROOF OF PURCHASE IS STORED ON A SECURE DIGITAL 273 00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:02,848 LEDGER CALLED A BLOCKCHAIN. THEN: YOU EXPLAIN TO YOUR WIFE 274 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,852 THAT YOU CAN'T GO TO HAWAII THIS YEAR BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT A 275 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,622 PICTURE OF A BORED MONKEY. AND N.F.T. AUCTIONS CAN RAISE 276 00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:14,860 SERIOUS COIN. AN N.F.T. PICTURE OF THE CAPE 277 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,864 JOHN LENNON WORE IN THE MOVIE "HELP" JUST WENT FOR $12,800. 278 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:22,067 BECAUSE WHEN JOHN LENNON SANG "IMAGINE NO POSSESSIONS," HE 279 00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,670 COULD NEVER HAVE ANTICIPATED THE THRILL OF OWNING AN AVATAR OF 280 00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:28,540 MANUFACTURED SCARCITY ON AN ENCODED BLOCKCHAIN. 281 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:34,246 WELL, AT THE END OF EXPLAINING ALL THIS ON THE SHOW LAST YEAR, 282 00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:38,317 I WROTE OUT MY EXPLANATION OF N.F.T.'S ON THE PAPER BAG MY 283 00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:44,122 LUNCH CAME IN THAT DAY, SO THAT WE COULD OFFER IT FOR AUCTION AS 284 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:50,562 WHAT I CALLED AN A.F.T., OR ACTUAL ( BLEEP )-ING THING. 285 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:54,666 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 286 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:59,404 >> Jon: LONG WALK. LONG WALK WITH THAT ONE. 287 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:04,142 >> Stephen: WELL, THE AUCTION HAS CLOSED. 288 00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:08,146 AND I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE IT RAISED SOME ACTUAL ( BLEEP )-ING 289 00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,982 MONEY, NAMELY OVER $33,000! >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA. 290 00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:14,553 >> Stephen: A REAL BAGS TO RICHES STORY. 291 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:23,095 AND I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT 1 HUER% OF THAT 292 00:19:23,161 --> 00:19:24,396 MONEY WENT DIRECTLY TO DONORS CHOOSE, WHERE IT HAS ALREADY 293 00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:25,964 HELPED FUND CLASSROOM PROJECTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY LIKE BUILDING 294 00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:30,269 SOLAR OVENS AND HYDROPONICS SYSTEMS. 295 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,704 ACTUAL THINGS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 296 00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:36,174 DONORS CHOOSE IS DOING SO MUCH GOOD WORK, EXPERTS SAY THEY 297 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:42,848 COULD BRING OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM TO THE BRINK OF FUNCTIONING. 298 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,149 AND, NOW, WE HAVE AN UPDATE TO OUR UPDATE, BECAUSE ANOTHER 299 00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:48,120 COMPANY IS HOPPING ON MY DONATION-TRAIN. 300 00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:52,958 THE U.K. METAVERSE MARKETPLACE TERRA VIRTUA HAS DESIGNED A VERY 301 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,128 SPECIAL N.F.T. TO SUPPORT DONORS CHOOSE. 302 00:19:56,194 --> 00:20:02,534 AND HERE HE IS. IT'S AN N.F.T. OF ME, HOLDING MY 303 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:07,673 A.F.T. THAT EXPLAINS N.F.T.S. THIS LITTLE FELLA IS CALLED THE 304 00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:11,009 COLBERT V-FLECT. THERE WILL BE A LIMITED RUN OF 305 00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:13,612 THEM AVAILABLE, AND YOU CAN BUY YOUR OWN, UNIQUE COLBERT VFLECT 306 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:14,780 N.F.T. TO PUT IN YOUR TIK TOKS AND YOUR INSTAFACES AND YOUR 307 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:20,118 YOUGRAMS. HE'S PRETTY EASY TO CARE FOR. 308 00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:24,122 ONCE A DAY, JUST SPRITZ YOUR LAPTOP WITH A LITTLE BOURBON. 309 00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:26,558 AND HERE'S THE BEST PART: IT'S ALL HOSTED ON THE CLIMATE 310 00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:31,530 SUSTAINABLE BLOCKCHAIN POLYGON, WHICH THEY SAY IS 311 00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:36,168 99.99% MORE CARBON EFFICIENT THAN ETHEREUM, WHICH I BELIEVE 312 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,537 RUNS ON GROUND UP PANDA BONES. TO GET YOURS, GO TO 313 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:42,941 TERRAVIRTUA.IO/COLBERT TERRA VIRTUA IS DONATING 314 00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:47,679 100% OF THE PROCEEDS TO DONORS CHOOSE. 315 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:57,556 SO YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT HELPING KIDS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, 316 00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:58,657 -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 317 00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:01,593 HELL, YEAH, WHY NOT? GO GET ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS AND 318 00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:05,664 YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT HELPING KIDS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, 319 00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:06,898 AND I CAN FEEL GOOD KNOWING THAT WHEN I DIE, AT LEAST I'LL LIVE 320 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:08,133 ON IN A FOLDER MARKED MISCELLANEOUS ON SOMEONE'S 321 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,369 DESKTOP. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOSEPH 322 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,337 GORDON-LEVITT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 323 00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:37,896 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, 324 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:45,037 EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." MY GUEST TONIGHT HAS STARRED IN 325 00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:48,173 SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES, INCLUDING, "500 DAYS OF SUMMER," 326 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:51,576 "THE DARK KNIGHT RISES," AND "THE TRIAL OF THE CHICAGO 7." 327 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,079 HE NOW PLAYS THE CO-FOUNDER AND FORMER C.E.O. OF UBER IN THE NEW 328 00:21:54,146 --> 00:22:00,052 SHOWTIME SERIES "SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER." 329 00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,920 >> HOW'S IT GOING WITH OUR 330 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:05,457 FUTURE DRIVERS, YOU GETTING 'EM? >> GOT A BUNCH. 331 00:22:05,524 --> 00:22:11,763 DID YOU SET SETTLE WITH THE CIT? >> NO, WE ARE TAKING THIS CITY! 332 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,266 YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT FIGHTING CITY HALL. 333 00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:15,600 >> THIS IS THE THING ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD. 334 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,271 THE WORLD NEVER WANTS TO CHANGE. IT'S GOING TO DIG IN ITS HEELS 335 00:22:19,337 --> 00:22:21,606 AND TELL YOU NO AND TRY TO CRUSH YOU. 336 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:24,976 FORTUNATELY FOR US, WE ARE IN THE WORLD-CHANGING BUSINESS. 337 00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:26,311 AT LEAST I AM. I WAS BUILT FOR THIS H. THEY 338 00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:28,947 WANT TO FIGHT! I LOVE TO FIGHT! 339 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:31,817 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO WINNERS FIGHTS? 340 00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:35,587 WHOEVER WANTS IT MORE. AND WHO DO YOU THINK WANTS THIS 341 00:22:35,654 --> 00:22:37,756 MORE? THEM? 342 00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:42,094 OR ME? 343 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,595 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOSEPH 344 00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:58,543 GORDON-LEVITT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 345 00:22:58,610 --> 00:23:06,084 GORDON-LEVITT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 346 00:23:06,151 --> 00:23:09,054 >> THANKS, EVERYBODY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE! 347 00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:13,759 THIS IS AN AUDIENCE! I LOVE YOU GUYS! 348 00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:19,598 WOW! THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT! 349 00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:22,868 IT'S REALLY, LIKE -- IT'S SUCH A DEAR FEELING TO ME, IT'S 350 00:23:22,934 --> 00:23:25,837 SOMETHING I'VE EXPERIENCED MY WHOLE LIFE AND I HAVE BEEN AWAY 351 00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:28,106 FROM IT! I HAVEN'T BEEN IN FRONT OF AN 352 00:23:28,173 --> 00:23:29,541 AUDIENCE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG! 353 00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:32,611 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GUYS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 354 00:23:32,677 --> 00:23:35,180 >> Stephen: ALSO A GOOD ONE. AND A GOOD AUDIENCE. 355 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,351 OH, THE BEST AUDIENCE I'VE EVER BEEN IN FRONT OF IN MY LIFE, 356 00:23:39,417 --> 00:23:40,252 CLEARLY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 357 00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:41,787 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. 358 00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:53,765 NOW, OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT TRAVIS KALANICK, FORMER C.E.O. 359 00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:57,803 OF UBER AND FOUNDER. HE WAS LOVED AND HATED BY 360 00:23:57,869 --> 00:24:00,071 PEOPLE. NO LONGER WITH THE COMPANY, 361 00:24:00,138 --> 00:24:00,906 RIGHT? >> RIGHT. 362 00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:02,107 >> Stephen: HE LEFT A FEW YEARS AGO. 363 00:24:02,174 --> 00:24:05,777 WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO PLAY SUCH A DIVISIVE FIGURE? 364 00:24:05,844 --> 00:24:12,083 A DISRUPTIVE FIGURE WHICH IS NOT ALWAYS A COMPLIMENT? 365 00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:14,986 >> YEAH, IT WOULD BE A COMPLIMENT TO HIM. 366 00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:16,588 HE LOVED TALKING ABOUT DISRUPTION. 367 00:24:16,655 --> 00:24:19,591 THAT'S A FAVORITE WORD IN SILICON VALLEY. 368 00:24:19,658 --> 00:24:25,297 DISRUPTION CAN BE A GOOD THING, IT'S USEFUL, BUT DEPENDS ON AT 369 00:24:25,363 --> 00:24:29,201 WHAT COST. >> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF THE 370 00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:32,070 MOST ICONIC INTERNET DISRUPTIONS. 371 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:39,611 UBER AND AIRBNB MAY BE TWO OF THE THINGS THAT ROCKED INDUSTRY. 372 00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:43,548 >> THIS COMPANY GREW FASTER THAN ANY OTHER HISTORY OF COMPANIES. 373 00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:47,152 IT'S LIKE A CHAMPION, MICHAEL JORDAN. 374 00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:49,287 HE DESERVES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRAISE. 375 00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:51,423 >> Stephen: AND HE GAVE IT TO HIMSELF. 376 00:24:51,489 --> 00:24:53,391 >> YES, HE DID! ( LAUGHTER ) 377 00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:57,863 HE ALSO DID QUESTIONABLE THINGS, MADE DECISIONS THAT HAD A LOT OF 378 00:24:57,929 --> 00:25:00,098 NEGATIVE IMPACT ON A LOT OF PEOPLE AND THIS SHOW DOES NOT 379 00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:03,468 SHY AWAY FROM SHOWING THOSE THINGS. 380 00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:07,606 BUT I'M NOT A JOURNALIST, SO IT'S NOT MY JOB TO SAY WHAT 381 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:13,645 HAPPENED, IT'S MY JOB TO SAY HOW IT FELT. 382 00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:16,481 HE WAS A REALLY EXCITING GUY TO BE AROUND, ACTUALLY. 383 00:25:16,548 --> 00:25:18,683 THERE'S GOOD AND BAD PARTS TO THAT. 384 00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:21,586 THERE ARE PROBABLY SOME PEOPLE THAT HAVE DONE PRETTY BAD THINGS 385 00:25:21,653 --> 00:25:26,758 IN THE WORLD, LIKE THE PRESIDENT WE ELECTED IN 2016, WHO, YOU 386 00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:29,628 KNOW, WAS PRETTY EXCITING TO BE AROUND, YOU KNOW, BUT JUST 387 00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,530 BECAUSE SOMEBODY'S EXCITING TO BE AROUND DOESN'T MEAN THAT 388 00:25:32,597 --> 00:25:35,066 THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. >> Stephen: SURE. 389 00:25:35,133 --> 00:25:38,637 A FIRE IN A FIREWORKS FACTORY ALSO VERY EXCITING BUT YOU DON'T 390 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,472 WANT TO BE AROUND IT. >> YEAH. 391 00:25:40,538 --> 00:25:43,642 >> Stephen: I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING, WE ACTUALLY HAD HIM 392 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:49,881 ON, WE HAD TRAVIS KALANICK ON IN 2015. 393 00:25:49,948 --> 00:25:51,082 YOU SAW THAT. >> OF COURSE. 394 00:25:51,149 --> 00:25:53,952 >> Stephen: THERE'S SOMETHING WE DIDN'T SHOW ANYBODY THAT 395 00:25:54,019 --> 00:25:59,057 NIGHT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT MAD AT HIM BECAUSE HE WAS DISRUPTING 396 00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:04,696 THE LIVERY AND CAB SERVICE. A CABBIE OR SOMEONE FROM THE CAB 397 00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:07,265 DRIVERS UNION WAS HERE THAT NIGHT THAT WE HAD HIM ON AND 398 00:26:07,332 --> 00:26:09,601 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. >> WHOA, REEL? 399 00:26:09,668 --> 00:26:11,736 >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, AM I WORKING FOR YOU? 400 00:26:11,803 --> 00:26:17,175 IF I'M AN UBER DRIVER AM I WORKING FOR YOU. 401 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:22,347 >> YOU WORK WHEN YOU WANT. >> Stephen: AM I YOUR 402 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:24,549 EMPLOYEE? ( SHOUTING ) 403 00:26:24,616 --> 00:26:27,452 >> RESPECT PROFESSIONAL FULL-TIME WORK! 404 00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:30,255 >> Stephen: HOLD ON ONE SECOND. 405 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:34,826 I DIDN'T INVITE THEM HERE. BUT WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT? 406 00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:38,229 >> UBER EXPLOITS TAXI DRIVERS FOR PROFITS AND KILLS 407 00:26:38,296 --> 00:26:40,198 PROFESSIONAL FULL-TIME WORK IN THE TAXI INDUSTRY. 408 00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,735 >> Stephen: OKAY, I HEARD YOU, AND I WILL ASK HIM THAT 409 00:26:43,802 --> 00:26:45,036 QUESTION. WILL YOU SIT DOWN. 410 00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:50,241 THANK YOU. THAT'S MY COUSIN. 411 00:26:50,308 --> 00:26:51,443 I APOLOGIZE. ( LAUGHTER ) 412 00:26:51,509 --> 00:26:54,045 SO I DID ASK HIM THAT QUESTION. >> OKAY, YEAH. 413 00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:57,749 >> Stephen: AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, ANYBODY AT HOME, WE 414 00:26:57,816 --> 00:27:00,118 DIDN'T PUT THAT ON THE AIR BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO 415 00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:03,655 COME HERE AND YELL AT MY GUESTS, THAT'S MY JOB. 416 00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:06,958 >> I'D NEVER SEEN THAT. WHAT THAT GUY IS SAYING IS FAIR. 417 00:27:07,025 --> 00:27:09,728 THERE ARE LAWS IN PLACE THAT UBER WAS SYSTEMATICALLY BREAKING 418 00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:13,999 THAT ARE THERE TO PROTECT LABOR, AND THOSE LAWS ARE THERE FOR A 419 00:27:14,065 --> 00:27:16,835 REASON AND THEY SHOULD BE THERE. >> Stephen: RIGHT, AND HE 420 00:27:16,901 --> 00:27:19,070 WASN'T JUST DISRUPTING A BUSINESS, HE WAS DISRUPT AGO WAY 421 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,806 OF LIFE AND BREAKING THE LAW BY DOING IT. 422 00:27:21,873 --> 00:27:24,209 >> UBER WAS SYSTEMATICALLY BREAKING LAWS. 423 00:27:24,275 --> 00:27:27,779 UBER WAS HAVING TEAMS OF ENGINEERS WRITING SOFTWARE THAT 424 00:27:27,846 --> 00:27:30,615 COULD BREAK THE LAW THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF TIMES OVER AND 425 00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:34,252 OVER AGAIN. >> Stephen: SO ILLEGALITY WAS 426 00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:36,855 IN THE BUSINESS MODEL? >> THEY WERE SPENDING INVESTOR 427 00:27:36,921 --> 00:27:41,860 MONEY TO BUILD SOFTWEAR TO SYSTEMATICALLY BREAK THE LAW AND 428 00:27:41,926 --> 00:27:45,663 AVOID REGULATIONS, AND THEIR ARGUMENT WAS, WELL, THOSE 429 00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:49,501 REGULATIONS ARE WRONG SO WE DON'T HAVE TO OBEY THEM, BUT 430 00:27:49,567 --> 00:27:52,137 THAT'S NOT HOW THE LAW WORKS. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET TO 431 00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:55,073 DECIDE WHICH ONES YOU OBEY. >> EXACTLY. 432 00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:56,741 >> Stephen: UNLESS, AGAIN, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE 433 00:27:56,808 --> 00:27:58,476 UNITED STATES. >> EXACTLY. 434 00:27:58,543 --> 00:28:02,647 >> Stephen: IT COMES WITH MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES. 435 00:28:02,714 --> 00:28:03,948 >> EXACTLY, EXACTLY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 436 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:06,618 LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 437 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:09,054 BACK WITH MORE JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, EVENED. 438 00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:23,968 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF 439 00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:26,204 "SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER" ON SHOW "TIME," JOSEPH 440 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:29,674 GORDON-LEVITT. YOU FOUND ADD COMPANY CALLED 441 00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:34,579 "HIT RECORD" HOW MANY YEARS AGO, 2013, 2014? 442 00:28:34,646 --> 00:28:36,114 >> IT'S BEEN THROUGH MANY ITERATIONS. 443 00:28:36,181 --> 00:28:40,518 IT WAS A HOBBY I WAS DOING WITH MY BROTHER MANY YEARS AGO AND 444 00:28:40,585 --> 00:28:43,321 THEN WE STARTED AS A COMPANY IN 2010. 445 00:28:43,388 --> 00:28:47,559 HE BUILD BETTER SOFTWARE SO RAISED VENTURE CAPITAL MONEY AND 446 00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:49,594 DID THE TECH STARTUP A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. 447 00:28:49,661 --> 00:28:53,031 >> Stephen: WHAT DID THAT GIVE YOU IN TERMS OF APPRECIATION FOR 448 00:28:53,098 --> 00:28:56,534 THIS GUY? >> IT DID MAKE ME APPRECIATE HOW 449 00:28:56,601 --> 00:29:00,205 GOOD HE WAS AT WHAT HE DID. THIS GUY RAISED MORE MONEY FROM 450 00:29:00,271 --> 00:29:03,341 INVERTS THAN ANYBODY. I HAVE BEEN IN THOSE ROOMS AND 451 00:29:03,408 --> 00:29:06,311 PITCHED TO INVERTS AND WE ACTUALLY DID THOSE SCENES IN THE 452 00:29:06,377 --> 00:29:08,513 SHOW. THERE'S A SCENE IN THE SHOW 453 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:12,817 WHERE TRAVIS IS PITCHING INVERTS, AND IT'S ACTUALLY A 454 00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:16,020 MONTAGE ON OUR SHOW, AND THE BEAST BEASTIE BOYS ARE PRAY 455 00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:18,323 PLAYING. IN A MONTAGE THE DIALOGUE IS NOT 456 00:29:18,389 --> 00:29:22,927 WRITTEN SO IT'S JUST GOING TO BE MUSIC SO THE ACTORS HAVE TO 457 00:29:22,994 --> 00:29:25,363 IMPROVISE. SO I WAS IMPROVISING IN THIS 458 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:29,067 PITCH MEETING AND BRINGING OUT THE JARGON I'VE LEARNED IN THE 459 00:29:29,134 --> 00:29:33,805 FAST FEW YEARS, CUSTOMER ACQUISITION COSTS, MONTHLY 460 00:29:33,872 --> 00:29:40,812 ACTIVE VALUE AND ALL THESE THINGS AS THE BEAST BEASTIE BOYS 461 00:29:40,879 --> 00:29:43,448 BLARE. THEY SAID CUT AND SAID DID YOU 462 00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:45,183 RESEARCH THIS? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? 463 00:29:45,250 --> 00:29:49,387 I SAID, NO, I LIVE IT EVERY DAY. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A TECH 464 00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:53,258 BRO WALK IN THIS SHOW. IT'S KIND OF LIKE CHICKEN WINGS 465 00:29:53,324 --> 00:29:57,395 OUT, CHEST FORWARD. COULD YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE 466 00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,831 TASTE? >> IT'S TRUE, YOU'VE GOT THE 467 00:29:59,898 --> 00:30:02,634 SPREAD THE WINGS. >> Stephen: GIVE ME A TASTE. 468 00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:08,840 I LEARNED THIS -- >> Stephen: WHO WALKS LIKE 469 00:30:08,907 --> 00:30:12,844 THIS? >> I DID A MOVIE CALLED DON JOHN 470 00:30:12,911 --> 00:30:20,084 WHERE YOU SPREAD THE WINGS. IT'S GORILLA STUFF. 471 00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:28,359 LIKE THAT. ( CHEERING ) 472 00:30:28,426 --> 00:30:32,096 STEPHEN COLBERT... ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 473 00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:35,767 ( PIANO RIFF ) >> BUT, LOOK, THIS IS THE 474 00:30:35,833 --> 00:30:39,370 THING -- THIS GUY REALLY -- DID I HURT YOU? 475 00:30:39,437 --> 00:30:42,540 YOU HAD TO SPREAD THE WINGS! I TOLD YOU. 476 00:30:42,607 --> 00:30:44,108 >> Stephen: YEAH. NO, THE TRUTH IS ALSO I GOT 477 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:47,145 TO KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WORKED CLOSELY WITH HIM AND WHO 478 00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:49,581 HAD A LOT OF REALLY POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT HIM. 479 00:30:49,647 --> 00:30:52,150 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT STICK 480 00:30:52,217 --> 00:30:55,286 AROUND, WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT IF 481 00:30:55,353 --> 00:31:01,059 THE STORY OF UBER IS ABOUT A BIGGER STORY ABOUT SILICONE 482 00:31:01,125 --> 00:31:03,328 VALLEY'S EXCESSES. STICK AROUND. 483 00:31:19,644 --> 00:31:21,479 >> Stephen: BACK WITH THE STAR OF "SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR 484 00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,715 UBER" ON SHOWTIME JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT. 485 00:31:23,781 --> 00:31:30,755 I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD SOMETHING WITH MARK CUBAN BOOING IN THIS 486 00:31:30,822 --> 00:31:34,959 FILM. DID HE INVEST? 487 00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:38,329 >> HE INVESTED IN TRAVIS' COMPANY BEFORE UBER CALLED RED 488 00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:42,433 SWOOSH AND HE PASSED ON UBER AND I GAVE HIM KUDOS FOR TAKING THE 489 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:44,936 HIGH ROAD BECAUSE HE PREDICTED YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO 490 00:31:45,003 --> 00:31:49,207 MAKE THIS IS SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW. 491 00:31:49,274 --> 00:31:52,277 AND HE WAS RIGHT. I LOVE MARK CUBAN. 492 00:31:52,343 --> 00:31:55,113 SHARK TANK IS MY SHOW! I'M TELLING YOU. 493 00:31:55,179 --> 00:31:57,782 >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET HIM TO COME ON. 494 00:31:57,849 --> 00:32:01,819 >> BRIAN KOPELMAN, ONE TO HAVE THE CREATORS OF THIS SHOW, 495 00:32:01,886 --> 00:32:04,255 CREATED BILLY AND FRIENDS WITH MARK CUBAN, HE WAS GOING TO HAVE 496 00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:07,592 A DRINK WITH HIM. I WAS, LIKE, OKAY I'M GOING TO 497 00:32:07,659 --> 00:32:14,499 MAKE A VIDEO PLEADING FOR MARK CUBAN TO PLAY HIMSELF ON SUPER 498 00:32:14,565 --> 00:32:19,037 PUMPED. I DID A VIDEO ON MY PHONE AND 499 00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:22,707 TOOK TEN TAKES TO GET IT RIGHT. I TOLD YOU I'M A FAN AND TOLD 500 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:26,544 HIM HOW IMPORTANT IT WOULD BE FOR HIM TO COME ON THE SHOW. 501 00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:30,615 HE MAKES A VIDEO AND SENDS IT BACK TO ME. 502 00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:34,052 REALLY SWEET. SAYS I THINK YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT 503 00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:37,789 ACTOR, ET CETERA, ET CETERA, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO WANT ME TO DO 504 00:32:37,855 --> 00:32:40,958 THIS SHOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO KISS UP A LOT MORE THAN THAT. 505 00:32:41,025 --> 00:32:45,363 THAT'S WHAT HE SAID! I THOUGHT, HE'S NOT GOING TO DO 506 00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:47,065 IT. THAT'S HIS JOKEY WAY. 507 00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:49,667 ME AND MY WIFE ARE BIG SHARK TANK FANS. 508 00:32:49,734 --> 00:32:55,273 ISAID, HE'S NOT GOING TO DO IT. SHE SAID, WHAT DID HE SAY? 509 00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:57,475 I TOLD HER. HE SAID, YES, YOU HAVE TO KISS 510 00:32:57,542 --> 00:33:01,779 UP MORE, SO JUST KISS UP MORE. THIS IS VERY MY WIFE. 511 00:33:01,846 --> 00:33:03,681 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOU KISSING UP? 512 00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:08,219 >> I MADE A SECOND VIDEO AND I WAS, LIKE, HOW AM I GOING TO 513 00:33:08,286 --> 00:33:14,092 KISS UP TO MARK CUBAN? HE LOVES THE MAVERICKS. 514 00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:21,165 I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN L.A., GREW UP WATCHING MAGIC AND YOU 515 00:33:21,232 --> 00:33:28,773 CAN UNDERSTAND HOW BIG A DEAL IT IS FOR ME TO DO THIS. 516 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:33,878 GO MAVS. BACK IN 2011, WESTERN CONFERENCE 517 00:33:33,945 --> 00:33:40,218 FINALS, THE BETTER TEAM WON. DIRK IS AMAZING. 518 00:33:40,284 --> 00:33:45,723 SGO MAVS, GO MAVS. AND HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR OWNER? 519 00:33:45,790 --> 00:33:49,427 SO HANDSOME AND INTELLIGENT. IS THAT KISSING UP ENOUGH? 520 00:33:49,494 --> 00:33:52,196 COME DO THE SCENE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 521 00:33:52,263 --> 00:33:56,267 >> Stephen: AND THE PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES FORGIVEN YOU? 522 00:33:56,334 --> 00:34:00,071 >> THEY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO 523 00:34:00,138 --> 00:34:02,640 APOLOGIZE NOW. >> DID MARK CUBAN DO THE SHOW? 524 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,776 TUNE IN AND FIND OUT. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 525 00:34:04,842 --> 00:34:09,514 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S PART OF AN ANTHOLOGY THE 526 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:12,884 SHOWTIME IS DOING SUPER PUMPED. ANOTHER INSTALLMENT WILL COVER 527 00:34:12,950 --> 00:34:14,285 Facebook, I UNDERSTAND. >> RIGHT. 528 00:34:14,352 --> 00:34:17,755 >> Stephen: DO YOU SEE UBER AS PART OF A LARGER STORY? 529 00:34:17,822 --> 00:34:19,323 >> YES. I'M ACTUALLY REALLY GLAD YOU 530 00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:22,760 ASKED THAT BECAUSE TO ME THAT'S A BIG PART OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT 531 00:34:22,827 --> 00:34:26,898 ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT TRAVIS KALANICK 532 00:34:26,964 --> 00:34:30,535 OR UBER, IT'S A LARGER TREND WE SEE COMING OUT OF SILICON VALLEY 533 00:34:30,601 --> 00:34:35,306 PUT ALSO OUT OF THE ENTIRE BUSINESS COMMUNITY THAT WHEN A 534 00:34:35,373 --> 00:34:39,710 COMPANY IS ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR A QUOTE UNQUOTE SHAREHOLDER 535 00:34:39,777 --> 00:34:42,547 VALUE, WHEN ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS MAKE MONEY AND IT DOESN'T 536 00:34:42,613 --> 00:34:46,784 MATTER WHO IS AFFECTED, WHO THEY HAVE TO STEP ON OR WHAT LAWS 537 00:34:46,851 --> 00:34:50,655 THEY BREAK, IF THEY'RE MAKING MONEY, IT'S NOT COOL. 538 00:34:50,721 --> 00:34:52,757 THAT WON'T WORK. LEADS TO DOOM. 539 00:34:52,824 --> 00:34:55,793 WE'RE DRIVING OFF THE CLIFF. THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN JUST 540 00:34:55,860 --> 00:34:59,263 MAKE MONEY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 541 00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:06,003 >> Stephen: I AGREE WITH YOU. I AGREE REQUEST WITH YOU. 542 00:35:06,070 --> 00:35:10,775 >> RIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 543 00:35:10,842 --> 00:35:12,443 >> Stephen: THERE ARE LAWS. RIGHT. 544 00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:17,181 >> Stephen: THERE ARE LAWS BUT THE LAWS HAVE TO BE ENFORCED. 545 00:35:17,248 --> 00:35:20,017 THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS IS THE PEOPLE WHO MADE ALL THE 546 00:35:20,084 --> 00:35:24,222 MONEY KEEP THE ELECTED FISHERS FROM ENFORCING THE LAWS THAT 547 00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,191 WERE PASSED. >> THERE IS A THING IN THIS 548 00:35:27,258 --> 00:35:31,329 COUNTRY IF YOU MAKE MONEY FAST ENOUGH THE LAWMAKERS WON'T CATCH 549 00:35:31,395 --> 00:35:32,363 YOU. >> Stephen: OR THEY CAN'T 550 00:35:32,430 --> 00:35:35,833 CATCH UP WITH THE WAYS YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW. 551 00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:40,071 JOHN KENNEDY WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS FATHER ACCUSED OF BEING A 552 00:35:40,137 --> 00:35:45,009 BOOTLEGGER IN PROHIBITION WAS ASKED DID YOUR LAW BREAK THE LAW 553 00:35:45,076 --> 00:35:50,047 TO GET MISE FORTUNE? AND HE SAID NO O BUT MANY LAWS 554 00:35:50,114 --> 00:35:54,852 WERE WRITTEN BECAUSE MY FATHER MADE HIS FORTUNE THE WAY HE DID. 555 00:35:54,919 --> 00:35:58,689 WE NEED LAWS MADE. >> WE NEED A GOVERNMENT TO KEEP 556 00:35:58,756 --> 00:36:00,591 UP WITH SILICON VALLEY AND THE OTHER BUSINESSES. 557 00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:04,795 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 558 00:36:04,862 --> 00:36:06,564 HERE. >> THANKS. 559 00:36:06,631 --> 00:36:11,736 >> St.>> STEPHEN: "SUPER PUMPEDE BATTLE FOR UBER," PREMIERES THIS 560 00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:15,139 SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, EVERYBOD 561 00:36:15,206 --> 00:36:15,806 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 562 00:36:38,329 --> 00:36:40,331 >> STEPHEN: PERFORMING "YOU AND ME," FROM THEIR NEW 563 00:36:40,398 --> 00:36:49,974 ALBUM, "THE DREAM," ALT-J ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 564 00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:57,949 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 565 00:36:58,015 --> 00:37:03,221 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ SUMMER HOLIDAY, 566 00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:12,630 HAVING FUN ♪ HAPPINESS IS BETWEEN TWO BUNS 567 00:37:12,697 --> 00:37:19,337 FEELING FUNKY ♪ ON A ROLLING BOIL 568 00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:24,642 SMILES BEND ALL OVER, ♪ CAN'T CONTROL HOW I FEEL 569 00:37:24,709 --> 00:37:36,621 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 570 00:37:36,687 --> 00:37:44,562 ♪ ROUND OF KIMONOS FOR MY GIRLS IN THE SUN 571 00:37:44,629 --> 00:37:48,633 ♪ SENDING VIDEOS TO FRIENDS IN LONDON 572 00:37:48,699 --> 00:37:53,237 ♪ STRUT LIKE STELLAN SKARSGÅRD TO AND FROM THE BAR 573 00:37:53,304 --> 00:38:00,645 ♪ PLAYING MY CANDIED TANGERINE TELECASTER 574 00:38:00,711 --> 00:38:11,222 ♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 575 00:38:11,288 --> 00:38:26,170 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW ♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 576 00:38:26,237 --> 00:38:28,639 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW ♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 577 00:38:28,706 --> 00:38:43,587 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 578 00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:52,630 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 579 00:38:52,697 --> 00:38:59,236 ♪ TWO HOT PALMS PRESSING DOWN ON MY FACE 580 00:38:59,303 --> 00:39:04,642 ♪ DRAGGED BY MY SOCKETS TO A BETTER PLACE 581 00:39:04,709 --> 00:39:11,215 ♪ FLASHING IN THE DARK, MY LUMINESCENT TONGUE 582 00:39:11,282 --> 00:39:23,227 ♪ SUMMER HOLIDAY, HAVING FUN 583 00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:32,636 ♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW 584 00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:36,373 IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW ♪ OOH, 585 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,644 ♪ OOH, ♪ OOH, 586 00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:44,615 I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY ♪ OF THAT DAY 587 00:39:44,682 --> 00:39:47,585 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪ I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY 588 00:39:47,651 --> 00:39:52,356 OF THAT DAY ♪ FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE 589 00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:56,627 I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY ♪ OF THAT DAY 590 00:39:56,694 --> 00:39:59,230 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪ I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY 591 00:39:59,296 --> 00:40:01,899 OF THAT DAY ♪ FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE 592 00:40:01,966 --> 00:40:08,639 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 593 00:40:08,706 --> 00:40:12,309 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: CHECK OUT ANOTHER 594 00:40:12,376 --> 00:40:16,614 PERFORMANCE FROM THEM ON COLBERTLATESHOW.COM 595 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,984 ALT-J, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 596 00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:21,218 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JOHN TURTURRO AND JOHN 597 00:40:21,285 --> 00:40:23,120 AVLON. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 598 00:40:23,187 --> 00:40:24,021 GOOD NIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )