THE RAPPER -- THE RAPPER HAS BEEN BLOWING UP THE INTERNET,
THANKS TO HIS POST-ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
THE GRAMMY WINNER SHARED A LIST FROM HIP-HOP BY THE NUMBERS
CLAIMING CELEBRITIES WEST HAS BEEF WITH, INCLUDING -- THIS IS
UNFAIR -- ONE MISS PEPPA PIG. APPARENTLY, IT GOES BACK TO
SEPTEMBER WHEN PITCHFORK RANKED UP A SOUND TRACK HALF A POINT
HIGHER THAN WEST'S LATEST ALBUM --
>> MR. ELEPHANT...
PEPPA PIG OUT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, FROM RAGS TO WORDS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOSEPH
GORDON-LEVITT AND MUSICAL GUEST alt-J, FEATURING JON BATISTE
AND "STAY HUMAN." AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! DELIGHTFUL CROWD!
DELIGHTFUL CROWD. I CAN WARM MYSELF BY YOU.
THAT IS DELIGHTFUL WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO START OFF BY WISHING
EVERYBODY A HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY.
THE G.O.P. WOULD SAY NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE THE PILLOW GUY HAS
EVIDENCE OF MILLIONS OF DAYS HACKED INTO THE CALENDAR BY DEAD
HUGO CHAVEZ. THE QUESTION IS OBVIOUSLY EVERY
YEAR WHICH PRESIDENT ARE WE CELEBRATING?
CHECK YOUR LOCAL DINER PLACE MATS BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHICH
STATE YOU LIVE IN TODAY COULD HONOR THE FIRST PRESIDENT, FIRST
AND THIRD, FIRST AND 16 16th PRESIDENTS OR ALL
PRESIDENTS. AS A TRADITIONALIST I BELIEVE
TODAY WE HONOR GEORGE WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND
RUTHERFORD B. MATTRESS SALE. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE PRESIDENT ON THIS PRESIDENTS
DAY, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU. BECAUSE RUSSIA CONTINUES TO BE
RUSSIA. THEY HAVE BEEN AMASSING TROOPS
AROUND UKRAINE FOR WEEKS, AND THIS WEEKEND, BIDEN SAID THAT
PUTIN HAS MADE THE DECISION TO INVADE.
PLUS, U.S. INTELLIGENCE ( SAYS AN ORDER HAS BEEN GIVEN TO
RUSSIAN SUBORDINATES TO PROCEED WITH A FULL-SCALE ATTACK.
THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT THERE MIGHT STILL BE TIME TO STOP THE
INVASION. BECAUSE, THE BIG RUSSIAN GENERAL
HAS TO TELL THE SLIGHTLY SMALLER GENERAL WHO HAS TO TELL THE
SLIGHTLY SMALLER GENERAL AND SO ON.
THEY CAN'T FIND THE TINIEST COMMANDER CUZ HE WAS EATEN BY
THE DOG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE U.S. SAYS RUSSIA'S LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO INVADE, SO
PEOPLE GOT PRETTY NERVOUS ON SATURDAY, WHEN RUSSIAN
SEPARATISTS STARTED SHELLING UKRAINIAN ARMY POSITIONS, WHICH
U.S. OFFICIALS WARN COULD BE THE PRELUDE TO DIRECT RUSSIAN
MILITARY ACTION. NOW, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT
ONCE YOU'RE SHELLING, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
"DIRECT MILITARY ACTION." SLOW DOWN, YOU TWO.
I'M WORRIED THIS GETTING COMPLETELY NAKED AND BUMPING
JUNK MIGHT LEAD TO DIRECT SEXUAL ACTION.
( LAUGHTER ) RUSSIAN OFFICIALS -- I'M
WATCHING IT WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
I'M A REFEREE? HOPE I HAVE A WHISTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS AND OUTSIDE
OBSERVERS SAY THE SHELLING CAME EXCLUSIVELY FROM THE
SEPARATISTS. BUT THE RUSSIAN SEPARATISTS
CLAIM THERE WAS SHELLING FROM BOTH SIDES.
IT'S A REAL "HE SHELLED, SHE SHELLED BY THE SEA SHORE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE SHELLED?
HE SHELLED SHE SHELLED. YESTERDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SAID
BIDEN HAS AGREED TO MEET WITH PUTIN 'IN PRINCIPLE' AS LONG AS
RUSSIA DOES NOT INVADE UKRAINE. OKAY, BUT THAT SEEMS TO GO
WITHOUT SAYING. IT'S LIKE A WEDDING R.S.V.P.
THAT SAYS
>> STEPHEN: THIS POTENTIAL SUMMIT IS THE BRAINCHILD OF
FRENCH PRESIDENT AND MAN PRACTICING "CROTCHPLOMACY,"
EMMANUEL MACRON. HE WANTS TO GET THE THREE OF
THEM TOGETHER. THAT'S THE FRENCH FOR YOU.
ALWAYS TRYING TO START A MENAGE-A-TROIS.
(AS MACRON) VLAD, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU START
FORGING DIPLOMATIC TIES? OVER ON THAT REALLY TABLE?
I WILL JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH. KISSING!
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
POOR FRIDGE.
U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN "FACED THE NATION"
YESTERDAY, AND REITERATED THE PRESIDENT'S WILLINGNESS TO MEET:
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS MADE VERY CLEAR THAT HE'S PREPARED TO MEET
PRESIDENT PUTIN AT ANY TIME, IN ANY FORMAT IF THAT CAN HELP
PREVENT A WAR. >> STEPHEN: ANY FORMAT?
I VOTE KARAOKE. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS BIDEN) VLAD, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT WITH
THE POWER OF MUSIC. LET'S DO SHALLOW:
(SINGING) TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK.
C'MON! DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO SING
THAT SONG, UNFORTUNATELY. TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK, COME
ON! HOW DOES THAT GO?
LET'S GET SHALLOW. >> Jon: WING IT, WING IT.
>> Stephen: BLINKEN WASN'T THE ONLY ONE
"FACING THE NATION'S FACE." RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.,
ANATOLY ANTONOV, WAS ALSO ON TO TELL MARGARET BRENNAN THERE WAS
NO REASON TO HAVE HIM ON. >> THERE IS NO INVASION AND
THERE IS NO SUCH PLANS. RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE ON SOVEREIGN
RUSSIAN TERRITORY. WE DON'T THREATEN ANYONE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, RUSSIA'S NOT THREATENING ANYONE.
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY SHOW AFFECTION.
IN RUSSIA, IF A BOY SURROUNDS YOUR HOUSE WITH TANKS, THAT'S A
PROM-POSAL. ( LAUGHTER )
ANTONOV ALSO DOUBLED DOWN ON THE LIE THAT RUSSIA IS WITHDRAWING
TROOPS. >> YOU'LL SEE THAT WE DID A LOT
OF TO WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM VARIOUS REGIONS THAT ARE VERY
CLOSE TO BALTIC STATES, TO EASTERN EUROPEAN STATES.
WE WITHDRAWAL A LOT OF TROOPS FROM KALININGRAD AREA.
AND NOBODY EVEN SAID US THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WOW... THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT ALL, DOES IT, JON?
THAT IS JUST RUDE! NO "THANK YOU"?
HOW HARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FOR THE LITHUANIANS TO SEND A NICE
CARD THAT SAID
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
PUTIN IS ANXIOUS TO ATTEND THIS SUMMIT, BECAUSE TODAY, HE
ABRUPTLY SUMMONED HIS SECURITY COUNCIL.
YOU CAN TELL IT MADE THEM NERVOUS BY HOW FAR AWAY FROM HIM
THEY SAT. ACCORDING TO PUTIN, THIS MEETING
WAS A SURPRISE. AS HE TOLD THEM:
EVERY ONE OF YOU KNOWS, AND I SPECIALLY WANT TO UNDERLINE IT,
I DID NOT DISCUSS ANY OF THIS WITH YOU BEFORE.
I DID NOT ASK YOUR OPINION BEFORE.
AND THIS IS HAPPENING SPONTANEOUSLY, BECAUSE I WANTED
TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS WITHOUT ANY PRELIMINARY PREPARATION.
(AS PUTIN) PLEASE, BE HONEST.
DO YOU BELIEVE I AM RIGHT ON THE MATTER OF UKRAINE
OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ADMIRE THE VIEW OUT THE WINDOW?
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK HOW FAR THE STREET IS!
( LAUGHTER ) THE MEETING CAUSED TENSION FOR
JUST ABOUT EVERYONE. LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL COMMENT ON
THE YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM: "PLEASE DO NOT START A FRICKIN'
WAR WE NEED BITCOIN TO GO UP." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FINALLY, A CALL FOR SANITY--
THIS VIOLENCE COULD AFFECT OUR FAD PURCHASES.
IT'S LIKE THOSE FAMOUS PROTEST SIGNS DURING VIETNAM:
MAKE LOVE, NOT HIGHER PRICES ON SEA MONKEYS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST HOURS AFTER HIS SURPRISE
MEETING, PUTIN GAVE A SPEECH RECOGNIZING THE I WANT OF MOSCOW
BACKED BREAKAWAY REGIONS IN EASTERN UKRAINE AND CALLING THE
EASTERN PART OF THE COUNTRY ANCIENT RUSSIAN LANDS.
SO THEY'RE INDEPENDENT, BUT ALSO BELONG TO RUSSIA.
PUTIN'S JUST LIVING THE SPIRIT OF THAT OLD SAYING:
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING LET IT GO.
IF IT DOESN'T COME BACK, SURROUND IT WITH 190,000 TROOPS.
THEN ASK IT AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, STATE TELEVISION SHOWED PUTIN AT THE
KREMLIN SIGNING DECREES RECOGNIZING THE SO-CALLED
DONETSK AND LUHANSK PEOPLE'S REPUBLICS, AND ALSO SIGNED
FRIENDSHIP AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE TREATIES ALSO SIGNED FRIENDSHIP
AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE TREATIES WITH THE NEW FAKE COUNTRIES.
MUTUAL ASSISTANCE MEANS HE'S CREATING HIS OWN THREE-COUNTRY
DEFENSE PACT. WE'VE GOT NATO.
HE'S GOT: INVADE-O. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE'S ALREADY ORDERED RUSSIAN TROOPS TO GO IN AS PEACE-KEEPERS
TO DEFEND HIS MADEUP PUPPET COUNTRIES.
KEEP IN MIND, LAST WEEK, SECRETARY BLINKEN WARNED THAT
SUCH A MOVE WOULD NECESSITATE A SWIFT AND FIRM RESPONSE FROM THE
UNITED STATES IN FULL COORDINATION WITH OUR ALLIES AND
PARTNERS. SWIFT AND FIRM.
SO IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, THE UNITED STATES
BROUGHT THE HAMMER DOWN, ON --NOT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
INSTEAD, WE WILL IMPOSE LIMITED ECONOMIC SANCTIONS ON THE TWO
SEPARATIST REGIONS, BUT WOULD STOP SHORT OF IMPOSING ANY
PENALTIES DIRECTLY ON RUSSIA FOR NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE CRACKING DOWN ON THE ECONOMY OF EASTERN
UKRAINE. SO GET READY FOR HIGHER PRICES
ON BLEAK. ( LAUGHTER )
THANKFULLY, THE OTHER MAJOR INTERNATIONAL
CONFLICT HAS ENDED; THE WINTER OLYMPICS CLOSED LAST
NIGHT, AND IN THE SPIRIT OF SPORTSMANSHIP AND GLOBAL
HARMONY, LET'S BOO THE TEAM THAT BEAT US FOR MOST MEDALS:
NORWAY. BOOO!
I HATE SOMETHING!
I WILL LEARN ABOUT YOU LATER--WHAT DO THEY HAVE?
PICKLED HERRING? #
BOO! STUPID SALTY FISH!
BOO, LICORICE! OF COURSE NORWAY WON THE WINTER
OLYMPICS-- THEY INVENTED WINTER. AMERICANS WOULD DOMINATE IF IT
WAS THE "GETTING IN A FISTFIGHT OVER STEAK AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL"
OLYMPICS. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NORWAY! IT'S NORDIC SPORTS.
NORD IS IN THEIR NAME! IT'S LIKE LOSING A SWIMMING
CONTEST WITH AQUAMAN. THE TOP 5 GOLD-GETTING NATIONS
WERE NORWAY WITH 16
GERMANY WITH 12 CHINA WITH 9
THEN THE U.S. AND SWEDEN WITH EIGHT EACH.
YEAH, WE TIED SWEDEN, BUT WE STILL WIN, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO
ASSEMBLE THEIR OWN MEDALS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND I HAVE PIECES LEFT OVER.
SOME ATHLETES GOT MORE THAN A MEDAL.
LIKE ONE CROSS-COUNTRY SKIER, WHO SUFFERED FROM FROZEN PENIS.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ITS OFFICIAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS:
CHILLY WILLY. ( LAUGHTER )
POOR GUY. POOR GUY!
WE'RE LAUGHING AT THIS MAN'S FROZEN PENIS.
THE FROZEN PENIS IN QUESTION IS PRESENTLY ATTACHED TO WINTER
ATHLETE REMI LINDHOLM, SEEN HERE WISHING HIS PENIS WAS WARMER.
HOW DID THE DONGSICLE COME ABOUT?
LINDHOLM SPENT OVER AN HOUR SKIING IN HOWLING, FREEZING
WINDS, LEADING TO HIS PENIS BECOMING FROZEN FOR THE SECOND
TIME IN A CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING RACE.
THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE? AND HE KEPT SKIING?
IF BEING IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER GAVE 'ME' FROZEN PENIS,
I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED. IT IS VERY COLD IN HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY OKAY?
YOU OKAY OVER THERE?
LINDHOLM'S FROSTY GROIN WAS SO BAD, THAT AFTER THE RACE, HE HAD
TO USE A HEAT PACK TO TRY TO THAW OUT HIS APPENDAGE.
OK, YOU GOTTA DO IT. BUT REMEMBER, NEVER LET YOUR
PENIS DEFROST ON THE COUNTER. PUT IT IN A BOWL OF WATER IN THE
FRIDGE. SALMONELLA.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS SOUNDS PAINFUL, YES.
AS LINDHOLM SAID: WHEN THE BODY PARTS STARTED TO
WARM UP AFTER THE FINISH, THE PAIN WAS UNBEARABLE,.
AS OPPOSED TO 'BEARABLE' FROZEN PENIS?
HEY, MAN, I HEARD YOUR PENIS FROZE.
YEAH, IT WAS OKAY. ANYBODY NEED TO HANG A TOWEL?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HAVE A MAJOR UPDATE ON N.F.T.S.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY.
( HUMMING ) JON, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT
YOUR WEEKEND IN A MOMENT. I WANT TO ASK ABOUT YOUR
SATURDAY NIGHT IN JUST A MOMENT HERE.
BUT I HOLD IN MY HANDS THE QUESTIONS HERE FOR OUR GUESTS
TONIGHT, THE WONDERFUL, THE TALENTED REALLY WONDERFUL JOSEPH
GORDON-LEVITT IS HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN THE HOUSE, WOW! GOING TO.
♪ GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT! ♪ >> Stephen: BECAUSE OF ONE OF
MY WRITERS SAID YEARS AGO, HE COULDN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME, AND
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE NAME JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT BECAUSE I'M
A HUGE FAN. EVERY TIME IN MY MIND I SAY
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITTIVE THINKING JORDAN GAVIN LEWITT.
( LAUGHTER ) HE KNOWS THIS.
I'VE TOLD HIM THIS BEFORE. HERE, JO JON, I KNOW ON SATURDAY
NIGHT YOU PLAYED AN EXTRAORDINARY DARING PROGRAM AT
CARNEGIE HALL. TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID.
TELL THEM ABOUT STRINGS. >> I WENT ON STAGE WITH JUST THE
PIANO. >> Stephen: THE PIANO WAS
ALREADY THERE, RIGHT. >> IT WAS THERE BUT THE MUSIC
WASN'T. IT WAS COMPLETELY IMPROVISED, 90
MINUTES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I'M JUST CURIOUS WHY -- WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
>> IT'S SOMETHING VERY TRANSCENDENT ABOUT ALLOWING
YOURSELF TO BE A VESSEL IN THE MOMENT FOR THE MUSIC THAT'S
ALWAYS IN THE AIR. >> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: IT'S ALWAYS THERE. IT'S A CURRENT THAT'S THERE.
YOU CAN TIP INTO THE STREAM, THE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
WE DO IT WITH OUR DREAMS, OUR THOUGHTS, BUT TO DO IT WITH
MUSIC, IT'S TERRIFYING BUT IT'S ALSO INCREDIBLY TRANSCENDENT.
IT CAN BE A WAY TO GIVE THAT TO THE PEOPLE SO, WHEN THEY LEAVE,
THEY CAN LIVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT, THEY CAN LIVE FREE AND TRULY
EXIST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN US. YOU LIKE TO IMPROVISE AND I LIKE
TO READ THE QUESTIONS OFF THE CARD OVER THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT. >> Stephen: FULL CIRCLE, BABY.
>> Jon: I THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, COME ON, NOW.
FOLKS, IT'S A SAD FACT THAT, ACROSS THE COUNTRY, CLASSROOMS
ARE CHRONICALLY UNDERFUNDED. AMERICAN BIOLOGY TEXTBOOKS ARE
SO OLD, THE FIRST CHAPTER IS ABOUT "THE HUMORS."
MY ALCHEMIST SAYS I HAVE TOO MUCH BILE.
WELL, I WANT TO HELP. REGULAR VIEWERS MAY REMEMBER, A
FEW MONTHS AGO, I EXPLAINED TO AMERICA WHAT N.F.T.'S, OR
NON FUNGIBLE TOKENS ARE. IN SHORT, YOU SEE A DIGITAL
THINGAMABOB YOU WANT TO BUY, LIKE A PICTURE OR A SONG.
THEN, YOU PURCHASE IT ONLINE USING CRYPTOCURRENCY.
THEN, YOUR PROOF OF PURCHASE IS STORED ON A SECURE DIGITAL
LEDGER CALLED A BLOCKCHAIN. THEN: YOU EXPLAIN TO YOUR WIFE
THAT YOU CAN'T GO TO HAWAII THIS YEAR BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT A
PICTURE OF A BORED MONKEY. AND N.F.T. AUCTIONS CAN RAISE
SERIOUS COIN. AN N.F.T. PICTURE OF THE CAPE
JOHN LENNON WORE IN THE MOVIE "HELP" JUST WENT FOR $12,800.
BECAUSE WHEN JOHN LENNON SANG "IMAGINE NO POSSESSIONS," HE
COULD NEVER HAVE ANTICIPATED THE THRILL OF OWNING AN AVATAR OF
MANUFACTURED SCARCITY ON AN ENCODED BLOCKCHAIN.
WELL, AT THE END OF EXPLAINING ALL THIS ON THE SHOW LAST YEAR,
I WROTE OUT MY EXPLANATION OF N.F.T.'S ON THE PAPER BAG MY
LUNCH CAME IN THAT DAY, SO THAT WE COULD OFFER IT FOR AUCTION AS
WHAT I CALLED AN A.F.T., OR ACTUAL ( BLEEP )-ING THING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: LONG WALK. LONG WALK WITH THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THE AUCTION HAS CLOSED.
AND I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE IT RAISED SOME ACTUAL ( BLEEP )-ING
MONEY, NAMELY OVER $33,000! >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA.
>> Stephen: A REAL BAGS TO RICHES STORY.
AND I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT 1 HUER% OF THAT
MONEY WENT DIRECTLY TO DONORS CHOOSE, WHERE IT HAS ALREADY
HELPED FUND CLASSROOM PROJECTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY LIKE BUILDING
SOLAR OVENS AND HYDROPONICS SYSTEMS.
ACTUAL THINGS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DONORS CHOOSE IS DOING SO MUCH GOOD WORK, EXPERTS SAY THEY
COULD BRING OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM TO THE BRINK OF FUNCTIONING.
AND, NOW, WE HAVE AN UPDATE TO OUR UPDATE, BECAUSE ANOTHER
COMPANY IS HOPPING ON MY DONATION-TRAIN.
THE U.K. METAVERSE MARKETPLACE TERRA VIRTUA HAS DESIGNED A VERY
SPECIAL N.F.T. TO SUPPORT DONORS CHOOSE.
AND HERE HE IS. IT'S AN N.F.T. OF ME, HOLDING MY
A.F.T. THAT EXPLAINS N.F.T.S. THIS LITTLE FELLA IS CALLED THE
COLBERT V-FLECT. THERE WILL BE A LIMITED RUN OF
THEM AVAILABLE, AND YOU CAN BUY YOUR OWN, UNIQUE COLBERT VFLECT
N.F.T. TO PUT IN YOUR TIK TOKS AND YOUR INSTAFACES AND YOUR
YOUGRAMS. HE'S PRETTY EASY TO CARE FOR.
ONCE A DAY, JUST SPRITZ YOUR LAPTOP WITH A LITTLE BOURBON.
AND HERE'S THE BEST PART: IT'S ALL HOSTED ON THE CLIMATE
SUSTAINABLE BLOCKCHAIN POLYGON, WHICH THEY SAY IS
99.99% MORE CARBON EFFICIENT THAN ETHEREUM, WHICH I BELIEVE
RUNS ON GROUND UP PANDA BONES. TO GET YOURS, GO TO
TERRAVIRTUA.IO/COLBERT TERRA VIRTUA IS DONATING
100% OF THE PROCEEDS TO DONORS CHOOSE.
SO YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT HELPING KIDS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS,
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HELL, YEAH, WHY NOT? GO GET ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS AND
YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT HELPING KIDS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS,
AND I CAN FEEL GOOD KNOWING THAT WHEN I DIE, AT LEAST I'LL LIVE
ON IN A FOLDER MARKED MISCELLANEOUS ON SOMEONE'S
DESKTOP. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOSEPH
GORDON-LEVITT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." MY GUEST TONIGHT HAS STARRED IN
SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES, INCLUDING, "500 DAYS OF SUMMER,"
"THE DARK KNIGHT RISES," AND "THE TRIAL OF THE CHICAGO 7."
HE NOW PLAYS THE CO-FOUNDER AND FORMER C.E.O. OF UBER IN THE NEW
SHOWTIME SERIES "SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER."
>> HOW'S IT GOING WITH OUR
FUTURE DRIVERS, YOU GETTING 'EM? >> GOT A BUNCH.
DID YOU SET SETTLE WITH THE CIT? >> NO, WE ARE TAKING THIS CITY!
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT FIGHTING CITY HALL.
>> THIS IS THE THING ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD.
THE WORLD NEVER WANTS TO CHANGE. IT'S GOING TO DIG IN ITS HEELS
AND TELL YOU NO AND TRY TO CRUSH YOU.
FORTUNATELY FOR US, WE ARE IN THE WORLD-CHANGING BUSINESS.
AT LEAST I AM. I WAS BUILT FOR THIS H. THEY
WANT TO FIGHT! I LOVE TO FIGHT!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO WINNERS FIGHTS?
WHOEVER WANTS IT MORE. AND WHO DO YOU THINK WANTS THIS
MORE? THEM?
OR ME?
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOSEPH
GORDON-LEVITT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANKS, EVERYBODY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!
THIS IS AN AUDIENCE! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
WOW! THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT!
IT'S REALLY, LIKE -- IT'S SUCH A DEAR FEELING TO ME, IT'S
SOMETHING I'VE EXPERIENCED MY WHOLE LIFE AND I HAVE BEEN AWAY
FROM IT! I HAVEN'T BEEN IN FRONT OF AN
AUDIENCE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GUYS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ALSO A GOOD ONE. AND A GOOD AUDIENCE.
OH, THE BEST AUDIENCE I'VE EVER BEEN IN FRONT OF IN MY LIFE,
CLEARLY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
NOW, OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT TRAVIS KALANICK, FORMER C.E.O.
OF UBER AND FOUNDER. HE WAS LOVED AND HATED BY
PEOPLE. NO LONGER WITH THE COMPANY,
RIGHT? >> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE LEFT A FEW YEARS AGO.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO PLAY SUCH A DIVISIVE FIGURE?
A DISRUPTIVE FIGURE WHICH IS NOT ALWAYS A COMPLIMENT?
>> YEAH, IT WOULD BE A COMPLIMENT TO HIM.
HE LOVED TALKING ABOUT DISRUPTION.
THAT'S A FAVORITE WORD IN SILICON VALLEY.
DISRUPTION CAN BE A GOOD THING, IT'S USEFUL, BUT DEPENDS ON AT
WHAT COST. >> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF THE
MOST ICONIC INTERNET DISRUPTIONS.
UBER AND AIRBNB MAY BE TWO OF THE THINGS THAT ROCKED INDUSTRY.
>> THIS COMPANY GREW FASTER THAN ANY OTHER HISTORY OF COMPANIES.
IT'S LIKE A CHAMPION, MICHAEL JORDAN.
HE DESERVES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRAISE.
>> Stephen: AND HE GAVE IT TO HIMSELF.
>> YES, HE DID! ( LAUGHTER )
HE ALSO DID QUESTIONABLE THINGS, MADE DECISIONS THAT HAD A LOT OF
NEGATIVE IMPACT ON A LOT OF PEOPLE AND THIS SHOW DOES NOT
SHY AWAY FROM SHOWING THOSE THINGS.
BUT I'M NOT A JOURNALIST, SO IT'S NOT MY JOB TO SAY WHAT
HAPPENED, IT'S MY JOB TO SAY HOW IT FELT.
HE WAS A REALLY EXCITING GUY TO BE AROUND, ACTUALLY.
THERE'S GOOD AND BAD PARTS TO THAT.
THERE ARE PROBABLY SOME PEOPLE THAT HAVE DONE PRETTY BAD THINGS
IN THE WORLD, LIKE THE PRESIDENT WE ELECTED IN 2016, WHO, YOU
KNOW, WAS PRETTY EXCITING TO BE AROUND, YOU KNOW, BUT JUST
BECAUSE SOMEBODY'S EXCITING TO BE AROUND DOESN'T MEAN THAT
THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. >> Stephen: SURE.
A FIRE IN A FIREWORKS FACTORY ALSO VERY EXCITING BUT YOU DON'T
WANT TO BE AROUND IT. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING, WE ACTUALLY HAD HIM
ON, WE HAD TRAVIS KALANICK ON IN 2015.
YOU SAW THAT. >> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: THERE'S SOMETHING WE DIDN'T SHOW ANYBODY THAT
NIGHT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT MAD AT HIM BECAUSE HE WAS DISRUPTING
THE LIVERY AND CAB SERVICE. A CABBIE OR SOMEONE FROM THE CAB
DRIVERS UNION WAS HERE THAT NIGHT THAT WE HAD HIM ON AND
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. >> WHOA, REEL?
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, AM I WORKING FOR YOU?
IF I'M AN UBER DRIVER AM I WORKING FOR YOU.
>> YOU WORK WHEN YOU WANT. >> Stephen: AM I YOUR
EMPLOYEE? ( SHOUTING )
>> RESPECT PROFESSIONAL FULL-TIME WORK!
>> Stephen: HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
I DIDN'T INVITE THEM HERE. BUT WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT?
>> UBER EXPLOITS TAXI DRIVERS FOR PROFITS AND KILLS
PROFESSIONAL FULL-TIME WORK IN THE TAXI INDUSTRY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I HEARD YOU, AND I WILL ASK HIM THAT
QUESTION. WILL YOU SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU. THAT'S MY COUSIN.
I APOLOGIZE. ( LAUGHTER )
SO I DID ASK HIM THAT QUESTION. >> OKAY, YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, ANYBODY AT HOME, WE
DIDN'T PUT THAT ON THE AIR BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
COME HERE AND YELL AT MY GUESTS, THAT'S MY JOB.
>> I'D NEVER SEEN THAT. WHAT THAT GUY IS SAYING IS FAIR.
THERE ARE LAWS IN PLACE THAT UBER WAS SYSTEMATICALLY BREAKING
THAT ARE THERE TO PROTECT LABOR, AND THOSE LAWS ARE THERE FOR A
REASON AND THEY SHOULD BE THERE. >> Stephen: RIGHT, AND HE
WASN'T JUST DISRUPTING A BUSINESS, HE WAS DISRUPT AGO WAY
OF LIFE AND BREAKING THE LAW BY DOING IT.
>> UBER WAS SYSTEMATICALLY BREAKING LAWS.
UBER WAS HAVING TEAMS OF ENGINEERS WRITING SOFTWARE THAT
COULD BREAK THE LAW THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF TIMES OVER AND
OVER AGAIN. >> Stephen: SO ILLEGALITY WAS
IN THE BUSINESS MODEL? >> THEY WERE SPENDING INVESTOR
MONEY TO BUILD SOFTWEAR TO SYSTEMATICALLY BREAK THE LAW AND
AVOID REGULATIONS, AND THEIR ARGUMENT WAS, WELL, THOSE
REGULATIONS ARE WRONG SO WE DON'T HAVE TO OBEY THEM, BUT
THAT'S NOT HOW THE LAW WORKS. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET TO
DECIDE WHICH ONES YOU OBEY. >> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: UNLESS, AGAIN, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES. >> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: IT COMES WITH MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES.
>> EXACTLY, EXACTLY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
BACK WITH MORE JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, EVENED.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF
"SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER" ON SHOW "TIME," JOSEPH
GORDON-LEVITT. YOU FOUND ADD COMPANY CALLED
"HIT RECORD" HOW MANY YEARS AGO, 2013, 2014?
>> IT'S BEEN THROUGH MANY ITERATIONS.
IT WAS A HOBBY I WAS DOING WITH MY BROTHER MANY YEARS AGO AND
THEN WE STARTED AS A COMPANY IN 2010.
HE BUILD BETTER SOFTWARE SO RAISED VENTURE CAPITAL MONEY AND
DID THE TECH STARTUP A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID THAT GIVE YOU IN TERMS OF APPRECIATION FOR
THIS GUY? >> IT DID MAKE ME APPRECIATE HOW
GOOD HE WAS AT WHAT HE DID. THIS GUY RAISED MORE MONEY FROM
INVERTS THAN ANYBODY. I HAVE BEEN IN THOSE ROOMS AND
PITCHED TO INVERTS AND WE ACTUALLY DID THOSE SCENES IN THE
SHOW. THERE'S A SCENE IN THE SHOW
WHERE TRAVIS IS PITCHING INVERTS, AND IT'S ACTUALLY A
MONTAGE ON OUR SHOW, AND THE BEAST BEASTIE BOYS ARE PRAY
PLAYING. IN A MONTAGE THE DIALOGUE IS NOT
WRITTEN SO IT'S JUST GOING TO BE MUSIC SO THE ACTORS HAVE TO
IMPROVISE. SO I WAS IMPROVISING IN THIS
PITCH MEETING AND BRINGING OUT THE JARGON I'VE LEARNED IN THE
FAST FEW YEARS, CUSTOMER ACQUISITION COSTS, MONTHLY
ACTIVE VALUE AND ALL THESE THINGS AS THE BEAST BEASTIE BOYS
BLARE. THEY SAID CUT AND SAID DID YOU
RESEARCH THIS? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
I SAID, NO, I LIVE IT EVERY DAY. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A TECH
BRO WALK IN THIS SHOW. IT'S KIND OF LIKE CHICKEN WINGS
OUT, CHEST FORWARD. COULD YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE
TASTE? >> IT'S TRUE, YOU'VE GOT THE
SPREAD THE WINGS. >> Stephen: GIVE ME A TASTE.
I LEARNED THIS -- >> Stephen: WHO WALKS LIKE
THIS? >> I DID A MOVIE CALLED DON JOHN
WHERE YOU SPREAD THE WINGS. IT'S GORILLA STUFF.
LIKE THAT. ( CHEERING )
STEPHEN COLBERT... ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> BUT, LOOK, THIS IS THE
THING -- THIS GUY REALLY -- DID I HURT YOU?
YOU HAD TO SPREAD THE WINGS! I TOLD YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH. NO, THE TRUTH IS ALSO I GOT
TO KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WORKED CLOSELY WITH HIM AND WHO
HAD A LOT OF REALLY POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT HIM.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT STICK
AROUND, WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT IF
THE STORY OF UBER IS ABOUT A BIGGER STORY ABOUT SILICONE
VALLEY'S EXCESSES. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: BACK WITH THE STAR OF "SUPER PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR
UBER" ON SHOWTIME JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD SOMETHING WITH MARK CUBAN BOOING IN THIS
FILM. DID HE INVEST?
>> HE INVESTED IN TRAVIS' COMPANY BEFORE UBER CALLED RED
SWOOSH AND HE PASSED ON UBER AND I GAVE HIM KUDOS FOR TAKING THE
HIGH ROAD BECAUSE HE PREDICTED YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO
MAKE THIS IS SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW.
AND HE WAS RIGHT. I LOVE MARK CUBAN.
SHARK TANK IS MY SHOW! I'M TELLING YOU.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET HIM TO COME ON.
>> BRIAN KOPELMAN, ONE TO HAVE THE CREATORS OF THIS SHOW,
CREATED BILLY AND FRIENDS WITH MARK CUBAN, HE WAS GOING TO HAVE
A DRINK WITH HIM. I WAS, LIKE, OKAY I'M GOING TO
MAKE A VIDEO PLEADING FOR MARK CUBAN TO PLAY HIMSELF ON SUPER
PUMPED. I DID A VIDEO ON MY PHONE AND
TOOK TEN TAKES TO GET IT RIGHT. I TOLD YOU I'M A FAN AND TOLD
HIM HOW IMPORTANT IT WOULD BE FOR HIM TO COME ON THE SHOW.
HE MAKES A VIDEO AND SENDS IT BACK TO ME.
REALLY SWEET. SAYS I THINK YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT
ACTOR, ET CETERA, ET CETERA, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO WANT ME TO DO
THIS SHOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO KISS UP A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID! I THOUGHT, HE'S NOT GOING TO DO
IT. THAT'S HIS JOKEY WAY.
ME AND MY WIFE ARE BIG SHARK TANK FANS.
ISAID, HE'S NOT GOING TO DO IT. SHE SAID, WHAT DID HE SAY?
I TOLD HER. HE SAID, YES, YOU HAVE TO KISS
UP MORE, SO JUST KISS UP MORE. THIS IS VERY MY WIFE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU KISSING UP?
>> I MADE A SECOND VIDEO AND I WAS, LIKE, HOW AM I GOING TO
KISS UP TO MARK CUBAN? HE LOVES THE MAVERICKS.
I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN L.A., GREW UP WATCHING MAGIC AND YOU
CAN UNDERSTAND HOW BIG A DEAL IT IS FOR ME TO DO THIS.
GO MAVS. BACK IN 2011, WESTERN CONFERENCE
FINALS, THE BETTER TEAM WON. DIRK IS AMAZING.
SGO MAVS, GO MAVS. AND HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR OWNER?
SO HANDSOME AND INTELLIGENT. IS THAT KISSING UP ENOUGH?
COME DO THE SCENE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AND THE PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES FORGIVEN YOU?
>> THEY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE NOW. >> DID MARK CUBAN DO THE SHOW?
TUNE IN AND FIND OUT. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S PART OF AN ANTHOLOGY THE
SHOWTIME IS DOING SUPER PUMPED. ANOTHER INSTALLMENT WILL COVER
Facebook, I UNDERSTAND. >> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU SEE UBER AS PART OF A LARGER STORY?
>> YES. I'M ACTUALLY REALLY GLAD YOU
ASKED THAT BECAUSE TO ME THAT'S A BIG PART OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT
ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT TRAVIS KALANICK
OR UBER, IT'S A LARGER TREND WE SEE COMING OUT OF SILICON VALLEY
PUT ALSO OUT OF THE ENTIRE BUSINESS COMMUNITY THAT WHEN A
COMPANY IS ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR A QUOTE UNQUOTE SHAREHOLDER
VALUE, WHEN ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS MAKE MONEY AND IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHO IS AFFECTED, WHO THEY HAVE TO STEP ON OR WHAT LAWS
THEY BREAK, IF THEY'RE MAKING MONEY, IT'S NOT COOL.
THAT WON'T WORK. LEADS TO DOOM.
WE'RE DRIVING OFF THE CLIFF. THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN JUST
MAKE MONEY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH YOU. I AGREE REQUEST WITH YOU.
>> RIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE ARE LAWS. RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE LAWS BUT THE LAWS HAVE TO BE ENFORCED.
THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS IS THE PEOPLE WHO MADE ALL THE
MONEY KEEP THE ELECTED FISHERS FROM ENFORCING THE LAWS THAT
WERE PASSED. >> THERE IS A THING IN THIS
COUNTRY IF YOU MAKE MONEY FAST ENOUGH THE LAWMAKERS WON'T CATCH
YOU. >> Stephen: OR THEY CAN'T
CATCH UP WITH THE WAYS YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW.
JOHN KENNEDY WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS FATHER ACCUSED OF BEING A
BOOTLEGGER IN PROHIBITION WAS ASKED DID YOUR LAW BREAK THE LAW
TO GET MISE FORTUNE? AND HE SAID NO O BUT MANY LAWS
WERE WRITTEN BECAUSE MY FATHER MADE HIS FORTUNE THE WAY HE DID.
WE NEED LAWS MADE. >> WE NEED A GOVERNMENT TO KEEP
UP WITH SILICON VALLEY AND THE OTHER BUSINESSES.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. >> THANKS.
>> St.>> STEPHEN: "SUPER PUMPEDE BATTLE FOR UBER," PREMIERES THIS
SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, EVERYBOD
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING "YOU AND ME," FROM THEIR NEW
ALBUM, "THE DREAM," ALT-J ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SUMMER HOLIDAY,
HAVING FUN ♪ HAPPINESS IS BETWEEN TWO BUNS
FEELING FUNKY ♪ ON A ROLLING BOIL
SMILES BEND ALL OVER, ♪ CAN'T CONTROL HOW I FEEL
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW
♪ ROUND OF KIMONOS FOR MY GIRLS IN THE SUN
♪ SENDING VIDEOS TO FRIENDS IN LONDON
♪ STRUT LIKE STELLAN SKARSGÅRD TO AND FROM THE BAR
♪ PLAYING MY CANDIED TANGERINE TELECASTER
♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW ♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW
♪ TWO HOT PALMS PRESSING DOWN ON MY FACE
♪ DRAGGED BY MY SOCKETS TO A BETTER PLACE
♪ FLASHING IN THE DARK, MY LUMINESCENT TONGUE
♪ SUMMER HOLIDAY, HAVING FUN
♪ IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW ♪ OOH,
♪ OOH,
I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY ♪ OF THAT DAY
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪ I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY
OF THAT DAY ♪ FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY ♪ OF THAT DAY
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪ I COULD HOLD ON TO THE MEMORY
OF THAT DAY ♪ FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: CHECK OUT ANOTHER
PERFORMANCE FROM THEM ON COLBERTLATESHOW.COM
ALT-J, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JOHN TURTURRO AND JOHN
AVLON. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )