>> BUILD-A-BEAR JUST LAUNCHED AN AFTER DARK SERIES OF STUFFED
BEARS FOR ADULTS.
BUILD-A-BEAR AFTER DARK FEATURES BEARS CLEARLY TARGETING THE
ADULT CROWD.
THEY DO INCLUDE SEVERAL HOLDING WINE GLASSES AND BOTTLES AND
VALENTINE'S DAY.
ON ITS Facebook PAGE, BUILD-A-BEAR SAYS -- WINK,
WINK -- OUR GIFT SHOP IS FULL OF GIFTS FOR ADULTS, TOO.
>> THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, GET YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE THE GIFT
THAT WILL DEFILE THE INNOCENT MEMORIES OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.
NEW FROM TY, IT'S BONE ME BABIES.
ALL YOUR FAVORITE BEAN FILLED CREATURES NOW WITH REALISTIC
GENITALIA.
CHOOSE FROM THE -- A BOX OF CHOCOLATES IS TEMPORARY
BUT THESE TOYS CAN NEVER BE UNSEEN.
THERE'S -- IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY I
LOVE YOU AND, ALSO, I HAVE A STUNTED SENSE OF HUMAN
SEXUALITY.
>> SO, THIS VALENTINE'S DAY DAY, GIVE HER THE GIFT SHE AND HER
THERAPIST WILL BE TALKING ABOUT FOR YEARS TO COME.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, MY HEART WILL GO ON TV.
PLUS, STEPHEN WRIGHT, ALEX BORSTEIN, AND
MUSICAL GUEST MAXWELL, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
THERE YOU GO!
OH!
THERE YOU GO.
HEY!
WELCOME TO, "THE LATE SHOW," I'M -- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
THANK YOU, FOLKS.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I JUST WANT TO START OFF WITH A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO
EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT ONLY IN HERE BUT OUT
THERE, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO EVERYBODY WHO'S WATCHING.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND YOU'RE DOING THE SEXIEST THING THERE
IS.
YOU'RE WATCHING TV.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SET THE MOOD.
( CLAP, CLAP ) THAT'S RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT, I HAVE A CLAPPER.
PRETTY DARING IDEA FOR A SHOW WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE.
SO, HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE?
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT NIGHT.
JUST NOW, I'M ROOTIN' FOR BOTH OF YOU.
WAIT A SECOND -- ALL THREE OF YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, DON'T MIND ME, I'LL JUST BE
OVER HERE DOING MY THANG -- A LONG MONOLOGUE.
AND MAYBE LATER, IF WE'RE LUCKY, SOME TOYOTA COMMERCIALS.
AND I'VE GOT 400 PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM WITH ME WHO JUST HERE 'CUZ
THEY LIKE TO WATCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DOWN FOR
ANYTHING BECAUSE AND THEY'RE ALL WEARING MASKS.
( LAUGHTER ) (CLAP CLAP)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS FOR THE CLAPPER.
AND I'M HAPPY TO HELP, BECAUSE AMERICA COULD USE A LITTLE HELP
IN THE SEDUCTION DEPARTMENT RIGHT NOW.
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH -- AMERICANS ARE AT A 30 YEAR LOW
FOR SEX.
AND AGAIN, NO JUDGEMENT.
WHATEVER DOESN'T FLOAT YOUR BOAT I'M NOT GONNA KINK-SHAME THE
JIGSAW PUZZLE / BREATHE-RIGHT STRIP / LIGHTS OUT BY 9PM
LIFESTYLE.
AMERICANS ARE TRULY OVER THE HUMP.
IN FACT, 26% OF AMERICAN ADULTS DIDN'T HAVE SEX ONCE OVER THE
PAST YEAR, ACCORDING TO THE 2021 GENERAL SOCIAL SURVEY.
THOUGH THE POLL DOES HAVE A MARGIN OF ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS
A STRANGER IS CALLING WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I DO WITH
MY JUNK.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SURVEY FOUND THAT THE NUMBER
OF MARRIED COUPLES WHO HAD SEX LESS THAN ONCE A MONTH DOUBLED
BETWEEN 1989 AND TODAY, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO CONCLUDE:
THE 1980S REALLY WERE BETTER FOR SEX.
# ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE THEY WERE-- WE HAVE WAY BETTER TV NOW THESE DAYS,
YOU STAY UP TO WATCH 3 EPISODES OF STATION 11 AND PASS OUT AT
MIDNIGHT.
BACK THEN IT WAS "ALF" AT 8, THEN, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?" 'TIL
CARSON CAME ON.
BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE LOOKING TO SPARK THINGS UP THIS
YEAR, IN HONOR OF VALENTINE'S DAY, TACO BELL ANNOUNCED IT WILL
GIVE OUT A FREE FLAMIN' HOT COOL RANCH DORITOS LOCOS TACO.
( CHEERING ) IT'S TASTY.
COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A GREAT LOVE STORY.
OH, HOW DID WE MEET?
WE LOCKED EYES IN LINE FOR THE SAME SINGLE-STALL BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN A BAJA BLAST EVER SINCE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF ROMANCE: FOOTBALL.
# YESTERDAY, THE L.A. RAMS WON THE
MEN'S SUPER BOWL, DEFEATING THE CINCINNATI BENGALS 23 TO 20.
HERE'S THE POST-VICTORY INTERVIEW WITH THE RAMS' QB:
( HUMAN VOICE SCREAMING ) ( LAUGHTER )
VERY EXCITING.
HE'S GOING TO DISNEY.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT
THE AMAZING HALFTIME SHOW, STARRING DOCTOR DRE AND SNOOP
DOGG.
DID YOU CATCH IT?
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
TWO LEGENDS OF HARDCORE GANGSTA RAP, OR AS THE KIDS TODAY CALL
THEM: MARTHA STEWART'S FRIEND AND THE HEADPHONES GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AS ALWAYS,
THE STAR OF THE GAME WAS THE COMMERCIALS.
AND THIS YEAR A TON OF THEM WERE PUSHING CRYPTO.
THERE WAS A FLOATING QR CODE FOR COIN BASE, LARRY DAVID SELLING
SOMETHING CALLED F.T.X., AND LEBRON JAMES ADVISING HIS
YOUNGER SELF TO LEARN MORE ABOUT CRYPTO.COM.
IF HE REALLY WANTS TO LOOK OUT FOR YOUNG LEBRON, TELL HIM TO
AVOID "SPACE JAM 2."
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW WE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF
OPINION.
WE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.
ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, SUPER BOWL MONDAY IS ONE OF THE YEAR'S
LEAST PRODUCTIVE WORKDAYS.
I WAS GOING TO DO A JOKE ON THAT, BUT NO ONE CAME UP WITH
ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THAT QUEASY FEELING MIGHT NOT BE FROM THE QUESO YOU ATE
LAST NIGHT.
IT COULD BE BECAUSE US OFFICIALS ARE WARNING THAT PUTIN COULD
INVADE UKRAINE AT ANY TIME.
THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF "WILL HE OR WON'T HE" THAT I LOOK FORWARD
TO ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
(AS PUTIN) I INVADE YOU, I INVADE YOU NOT.
I INVADE YOU, I INVADE YOU, NOT?
FEED THIS FLOWER SOME SUSHI.
( LAUGHTER ) AMERICAN OFFICIALS SPECULATED
THAT THE INVASION WOULD BEGIN ON WEDNESDAY, AND TODAY THAT MOTION
APPEARED TO BE SECONDED BY UKRANIAN PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO
JUST REMEMBERED HE HAS A PUDDING CUP IN HIS LUNCH, VOLODYMYR
ZELENSKY.
IN A SPEECH, ZELENSKY SAID WE ARE TOLD THAT FEBRUARY 16TH
WILL BE THE DAY OF THE ATTACK.
WHAT?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WARN US, PUNXATAWNEY PHIL!
( LAUGHTER ) WHY DO WE LISTEN TO GROUNDHOG
PREDICTOR?
PEOPLE FREAKED OUT TO HEAR THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE SAY THAT,
SO AIDES CAME OUT AND SAID THE COMMENT WAS SARCASTIC.
AS A SEMI-PRO JOKE-TELLER, LET ME JUST SAY TO PRESIDENT
ZELENSKY: IF YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU WERE JUST
BEING SARCASTIC (SARCASTIC)
YOU'RE DOING A 'GREAT' JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY GOOD.
( APPLAUSE ) DIPLOMATIC EFFORTS ARE
CONTINUING, BUT SO FAR NO PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE WITH PUTIN FOR MORE
THAN AN HOUR BY PHONE.
(AS BIDEN) TELL YOU WHAT, VLAD.
THIS WHOLE THING REMINDS ME OF THE TIME MY UNCLE PIPPY
THREATENED TO TAKE AWAY OUR HOOP 'N STICKS FOR KICKIN' UP A
RUMPUS.
PIPPY'S CANDY SHOP WAS JUST ACROSS THE MAIN DRAG FROM THE
MOVIE HOUSE, WHERE YOU COULD SNEAK IN THE SIDE DOOR TO SEE
THE LATEST TALKIE.
HELLO?
SOMEBODY CUT THE TRUNK.
THAT'S A HAND.
THAT'S A PHONE.
SOMEBODY GET HIM BACK ON THE HORN.
ON THE CALL, BIDEN WARNED THAT IF RUSSIA INVADES UKRAINE
THE U.S. AND ITS ALLIES WILL RESPOND DECISIVELY AND IMPOSE
SWIFT AND SEVERE COSTS.
SOUNDS SCARY, BUT ACCORDING TO ONE RUSSIAN OFFICIAL, WE DON'T
GIVE A ( BLEEP ) ABOUT ALL THEIR SANCTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, I CAN'T SAY THAT ON
CBS, BUT HE CLEARLY DOES NOT GIVE A ( BLEEP ).
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
NOT ME.
IT'S NOT ME, JON!
TURNING TO PANDEMIC, THE NUMBER OF CASES OF OMICRON HAS GON
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YES!
( PIANO RIFF ) SO EVERYONE CAN START TO RELAX
AND THEN TENSE UP AGAIN BECAUSE CHICKEN PRODUCERS ARE WARNING
ABOUT A FAST SPREADING BIRD FLU SPREADING ACROSS THE U.S..
HEY, CHICKEN PRODUCERS.
MAYBE NEXT TIME, PIPE UP BEFORE WE SPEND AN ENTIRE SUNDAY
FACE-FIRST IN A TRAY OF BUFFALO WINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) A LITTLE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BIRD FLU ISN'T A BIG RISK
TO HUMANS, BUT THE LAST OUTBREAK IN 2015 KILLED NEARLY 50 MILLION
BIRDS, MOSTLY TURKEYS AND CHICKENS.
THAT'S TWO THIRDS OF A TURDUCKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN, AMERICANS
WILL HAVE TO COME UP WITH A NEW MULTI-ANIMAL TREAT.
I'M GONNA SAY HAMBUR-GUINEA-PIGEON.
( LAUGHTER ) RETURNING TO OUR FIRST PANDEMIC,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
IT'S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS NOW AND EVERYONE'S SICK OF IT.
YOU WANNA KNOW HOW BAD THINGS HAVE GOTTEN?
CANADIANS HAVE BECOME IMPOLITE.
# ( STING ENDING WITH "EH?" )
( APPLAUSE ) FOR THE LAST WEEK, CANADIAN
TRUCKERS HAVE BEEN BLOCKADING THE AMBASSADOR BRIDGE, WHICH
LINKS WINDSOR, ONTARIO, AND DETROIT.
THAT MEANS FOR A WEEK, PEOPLE COULDN'T GO BETWEEN TWO PLACES
THEY DON'T WANT TO GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU BEEN TO WINDSOR?
( LAUGHTER ) THE BLOCKADE HAD A DEVASTATING
ECONOMIC IMPACT, BECAUSE THE BRIDGE IS THE BUSIEST
U.S.-CANADA BORDER CROSSING, CARRYING 25% OF ALL TRADE
BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES.
OUR CANADIAN IMPORTS WERE THREATENED.
AMERICA WAS ON THE BRINK OF A STRATEGIC SHORTAGE OF SEXY
RYANS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE TRUCKERS, WHO CALL
THEMSELVES THE FREEDOM CONVOY, ARE PROTESTING A NEW CANADIAN
MANDATE REQUIRING THEM TO EITHER BE FULLY VACCINATED WHEN
CROSSING THE BORDER OR FACE A TWO WEEK QUARANTINE.
AND OVER THE WEEKEND, A CANADIAN JUDGE ISSUED AN INJUNCTION, THE
POLICE CLEARED THE BRIDGE, ARRESTING ABOUT 30 PROTESTERS,
WHO NOW FACE A MAXIMUM PENALTY OF $100,000 AND UP TO A YEAR
IMPRISONMENT.
HEAR THAT, TRUCKERS?
YOUR REFUSAL TO DRIVE YOUR TRUCK MEANS YOU COULD BE FORCED TO
SPEND A YEAR IN A METAL BOX, PEEING INTO A BOTTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE
IN JAIL, GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN AND TERMINATOR SENT BACK TO MAKE
SURE AMERICANS ARE TOO DUMB TO INVENT SKYNET, MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE.
OVER OUR BREAK, GREENE MADE THE TV ROUNDS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE
SCOPE OF THE JANUARY 6TH INVESTIGATION.
WE WERE OFF LAST WEEK, BUT SHE SAID SOMETHING SO DUMB, THAT
WE ALMOST DID A SPECIAL LIVE SHOW JUST TO TALK ABOUT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS CLOSE.
THAT CLOSE.
I WAS AT THE AIRPORT.
I WAS GETTING ON THE PLANE.
HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID -- >> THEY'RE INVESTIGATING OUR
STAFF LOOKING AT THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA--
--EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.
NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE THE D.C.
JAIL WHICH IS THE D.C. GULAG, BUT NOW WE HAVE NANCY PELOSI'S
GAZPACHO POLICE SPYING ON MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
>> STEPHEN: YES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GAZPACHO POLICE.
( LAUGHTER ) CUP OF GOEBBELS SOUP.
TOP ROMMEL.
LENI BEEFENSTOCK.
ALL PORTRAYED IN THE CLASSIC MOVIE
"SCHINDLER'S BISQUE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE JEFFREY
WRIGHT AND ALEX BORSTEIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HOT NEW TREND IN MAKIN' BABIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH, YES!
HELLO!
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU, JON.
I'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT A SENSITIVE SUBJECT WITH EVERYBODY
IN THIS ROOM AND IT'S BABIES.
WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH US?
WHY DO WE FEEL COMPELLED TO PUT THEIR TEENSIE FEETSIES IN OUR
MOUTHS?
I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!
( LAUGHTER ) ESPECIALLY THE NICE.
JUST SO -- THERE ARE LOTS OF QUESTIONS PARENTS FACE
WHEN BRINGING A BABY INTO THIS WORLD.
NUMBER ONE IS ALWAYS: WHAT BRANDED CONTENT SHOULD WE TIE TO
OUR CHILD'S BIRTH?
WELL, GOOD NEWS.
THERE ARE NOW SO MANY CHOICES.
FOR STARTERS, A HOSPITAL IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA IS OFFERING
LILY PULITZER-THEMED BIRTHING SUITES.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR, LILY PULITZER IS A LINE OF CLOTHING
FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE WALKED INTO A BEACH HOUSE WHERE THE WALLPAPER
HASN'T CHANGED SINCE 1966 AND SAID, "DOES THAT COME IN A SIZE
8?" AND LILY PULL-ITZED OUT ALL THE
STOPS.
THE SUITE COMES WITH BRIGHT, COLORFUL DECOR
A COMPLIMENTARY ROBE AND A DIAPER BAG.
ACCORDING TO ONE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH IN THE LILY SUITE, IT'S
JUST SO CALMING AND PEACEFUL.
IT FELT LIKE BEING ON A RETREAT OR AT A RESORT.
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE RESORTS WHERE YOU SCREAM IN A LOUNGE
CHAIR FOR THREE HOURS, THEN PUSH A VOLLEYBALL OUT OF YOUR VAGINA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S ALL INCLUSIVE.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TIP.
BUT MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH IN THE
LOBBY OF A COUNTRY CLUB?
WELL, DISNEY HAD A CAMPAIGN AT 580 HOSPITALS, HANDING OUT
TOUSANDS OF FREE DISNEY CUDDLY BODYSUITS.
AT A HELLO KITTY BRANDED HOSPITAL, NURSES WEAR UNIFORMS,
CUTE FOR THE MATERNITY WARD, LESS SO FOR THE O.R.
FOLKS, I BELIEVE EXPLOITING THE PRIVATE, PRECIOUS EXPERIENCE
THAT IS GIVING BIRTH FOR PROFIT IS, BRILLIANT.
AND I.
WANT.
IN.
THAT'S WHY WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW COMEDY ARTS AND MEDICAL
CONGLOMERATE HAVE SYNERGISTICALLY MERGED WITH SOME
OF THE BEST BRANDS AVAILABLE, TO FORM ST. ADSPACE HOSPITAL.
AT ST. ADSPACE, WE KNOW BIRTH IS A MAGICAL TIME WHEN TWO
CONSUMERS COME TOGETHER TO MAKE A WHOLE NEW CONSUMER.
THAT'S WHY WE OFFER A WIDE VARIETY OF BRANDED BIRTHING
SUITES TO MATCH EVERY MOM'S STYLE.
NOT EVERY MOM HAS THAT LILY PULITZER VIBE.
FOR ALT-PUNK-EMO MOMS ON A BUDGET, ST. ADSPACE RECOMMENDS
OUR HOT TOPIC BIRTHING SUITE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BLARE SYSTEM OF A DOWN
WHILE YOU GIVE BIRTH ON SHEETS IN YOUR COLOR CHOICE OF PLAID,
BLACK, OR A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PLAID.
DADS WILL SAVOR THE MEMORY OF CUTTING THE WALLET CHAIN.
FOR SPORTY MOMS, WHY NOT BOOK OUR LIDS THEMED BIRTHING SUITE.
YOU'LL WEAR A HAT, WHILE GIVING BIRTH INTO A HAT.
THEN ENJOY A COMPLIMENTARY CELEBRATION MEAL, SERVED IN A
HAT.
LIDS: IT'S JUST HATS.
AND OF COURSE, FUN-LOVING PARENTS CAN RESERVE OUR LUXE
DAVE & BUSTER'S BIRTHING SUITE, WHERE YOU CAN GIVE BIRTH ON A
SKEE BALL MACHINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PAINTS A PICTURE.
PAINTS A PICTURE, DOESN'T IT?
GET THE BABY IN THE CORNER POCKET, AND THAT'S ENOUGH
TICKETS FOR LIKE, A POKEMON KEYCHAIN.
NEW MOMS DESERVE THE BEST, BUT IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT,
RESERVE OUR BUDWEISER X-TREME MATERNITY ZONE.
MOMS WILL BE ATTENDED BY AN ACTUAL BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE
THEN KICK BACK WITH A COMPLIMENTARY SIX PACK OF ICE
COLD BUD LIGHT.
BECAUSE AFTER HAVING YOUR CERVIX CHECKED BY A DOCTOR WITH HOOVES,
MOM, THIS BUD'S FOR YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TONY AND EMMY AWARD WINNER JEFFREY
WRIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
THERE YOU GO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND
TONY AWARD WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "WESTWORLD," "NO TIME
TO DIE," AND "THE FRENCH DISPATCH."
HE HAS JUST NARRATED A NEW DOCUSERIES ON ABRAHAM LINCOLN
CALLED, "LINCOLN'S DILEMMA."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, JEFFREY WRIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> YEAH!
THAT GROOVE GOT ME, MAN.
THAT GROOVE WAS KILLIN'!
>> Stephen: HEY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN TOO LONG.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT BEFORE THE INTERESTING TIMES WE LIVE IN
CALLED COVID.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND, OBVIOUSLY, ALMOST LIKE -- LEGALLY, I ALMOST
HAVE TO ASK EVERYONE WHO GOT THROUGH THIS WHO SHOWS UP ON
THIS SHOW, WHAT DID YOU DO TO STAY SANE THAT ENTIRE TIME?
>> I'M NOT SURE I DID, STEPHEN.
I'M NOT SURE I DID STAY SANE.
BUT, YEAH, I GUESS THE LAST TIME WE SAW EACH OTHER WAS THE BEFORE
TIMES.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, SEASON TWO OR THREE OF "WESTWORLD,"
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT KIND OF KEPT ME GROUNDED IS I HAD THE
GOOD FORTUNE TO STAY BUSY.
>> Stephen: YOU SURE DID, MAN.
THERE YOU GO.
OH, JUST A BOND MOVIE.
NO TIME TO DIE.
JUST FRENCH DISPATCH, JUST A LITTLE PART CALLED COMMISSIONER
GORDON IN THE BATMAN SERIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WELL, IT WAS THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE RIGHT HERE?
>> YEAH, WE WORKED ON BATMAN FROM JANUARY 2020 UNTIL
MARCH 2021 WITH A BREAK IN BETWEEN, BUT WE WORKED PRETTY
MUCH THROUGH THE LOCKDOWNS, THE TEETH IN THE PANDEMIC, AND IT
WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT, YOU KNOW, ONE, WE WERE FORTUNATE TO BE
WORKING, BUT IT ALSO GAVE US SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON THAT, YOU
KNOW, KEPT YOUR MINDS OFF THE UNCERTAINTY THAT WAS -- YOU
KNOW, THAT EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD WAS EXPERIENCING.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY ALL THESE SUPERHERO MOVIES ARE
SHOULDED IN A LOT -- SH RULED IN A LOT OF SECRECY.
WE'VE SEEN CLIPS AND TRAILS.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN TELL US ABOUT THE MOVIE AND YOUR ROLE
AS COMMISSIONER GORDON?
>> ACTUALLY LIEUTENANT GORDON.
IT'S YEAR TWO IN BATMAN STORY, PRE-COMMISSIONER DAYS,
LIEUTENANT, WHICH IS EXCITING BECAUSE IT LIVES HIM THE
OPPORTUNITY TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, HE'S STILL A COP ON
THE STREET.
THE STORY REALLY HACKERRENS BACK TO THE ORIGINS OF D.C., THE
DETECTIVE COMICS OF IT ALL.
IT'S A BIT OF A MURDER MYSTERY.
IT'S A THRILLER THAT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A BATMAN MOVIE.
WE'RE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
IT WAS TRICKY MAKING IT, I HAVE TO SAY.
WE MADE CERTAIN SACRIFICES.
WE DID WHAT WE HAD TO.
WE FOCUSED ON THE JOB WE WANTED TO DO TOGETHER.
YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE BATMAN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WANTED TO MAKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANTED TO SEE
IT AND, IN ORDER TO DO THAT, YOU KNOW, WE HAD TO PROTECT ONE
ANOTHER, PROTECT OURSELVES, AND REALIZE THAT WE WERE TOGETHER
AGAINST THE VIRUS.
THE VIRUS WAS THE ENEMY, AND THE FOCUS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK JEFFREY WRIGHT ABOUT THE NEW
PROJECT "LINCOLN'S DILEMMA."
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH JEFFREY
WRIGHT.
YOU'RE NARRATING A NEW FOUR-PART DOCUSERIES CALLED "LINCOLN'S
DILEMMA."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS "LINCOLN'S DILEMMA."
>> WELL, IT'S A SERIES THAT WILL BE AVAILABLE FEBRUARY 18th ON
APPLE TV+, AND IT EXAMINES LINCOLN'S PRESIDENCY OVER FOUR
PARTS AND THE EVOLUTION OF HIS PRESIDENCY.
THE DILEMMA FOR LINCOLN, I THINK LINCOLN, ON ALL SIDES, WAS
BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.
THERE WERE DILEMMA'S EVERYWHERE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE, I'M NOT A
PRESIDENTIAL HISTORIAN, I KNOW A REASONABLE AMOUNT ABOUT OUR
HISTORY, BUT OUR HISTORY IS SO VAST, AND THERE ARE THINGS IN
THIS SERIES I WASSENT AWARE OF.
THERE WAS AN INCIDENT INDICATIVE OF THE CHALLENGE LINCOLN FACED
OR THE TIMES IN WHICH HE PRESIDED OVER THIS COUNTRY.
IN 1850, TEN YEARS BEFORE LINCOLN WAS ELECTED.
THE IF YOU'VIVE SLAVE ACT WAS PASSED WHICH BASICALLY SAYS,
HEY, YOU, SLAVE OWNER, IF YOU HAVE SOME OF THE HUMAN BEINGS
THAT YOU OWN, IF THEY HAPPEN TO RUN AWAY TO FREEDOM, YOU HAVE
THE RIGHT NOT ONLY TO GO RETRIEVE THEM, BUT YOU CAN DO IT
WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
AND THERE'S ANEN INCIDENT IN 1851 IN A TOWN CALLED
CHRISTIANA, PENNSYLVANIA, 20 MILES NORTH OF THE
MASON-DIXON LINE, FOUR MEN ESCAPED A FARM IN MARYLAND AND
THEY FOUND SAFE HAVEN THERE IN A HOME THAT WAS OWNED BY A COUPLE
CALLED THE PARKERS, WILLIAM AND ELIZA PARKER, WHO THEMSELVES
WERE RUNAWAY SLAVES WHO WERE NOW FREE PEOPLE.
THEY LIVED IN A COMMUNITY THERE, WHITES AND BLACKS TOGETHER, A
QUAKER COMMUNITY, BLACK FREE PEOPLE, AND IT SEEMS RELATIVELY
HARMONIOUS, IT SEEMED ACTUALLY A LONG WAY FROM, YOU KNOW, THE
BRUTALITY THEY HAD ESCAPED.
WELL, THESE FOUR MEN FOUND SAFE HAVEN IN THE HOME OF THE
PARKERS, AND THEIR OWNER OR FORMER OWNER, A MAN NAMED EDWARD
GORSUCH, CAME YOU HAVE FROM MARYLAND EARLY ONE MORNING, HE
HAD A GROUP OF MEN INCLUDING ONE OF HIS SONS AND A U.S. MARSHAL
AND HE CAME TO RETRIEVE THESE MEN, ESSENTIALLY TO KIDNAP THEM.
AND A CONVERSATION ENSUED IN THE MIDST AT DAWN AS HE ARRIVED AT
THIS HOUSE, AND IN EXCHANGE -- AND AN EXCHANGE TOOK PLACE
BETWEEN TWO GROUPS AND HE WAS ESSENTIALLY TOLD, WELL, YOU CAN
COME GET US, BUT IF YOU DO, YOU MIGHT BE GETTING SOME OF THESE
BULLETS, TOO.
THEY WERE GOING TO FIGHT FOR THEIR FREEDOM.
OUT OF THESE TENSIONS, SHOTS WERE FIRED FROM THE SIDE OF
GORSUCH AND HIS MEN.
FIRE WAS RETURNED FROM THE HOUSE.
GORSUCH WAS KILLED, HIS SON WAS WOUNDED, THOSE MEN DISPERSED.
THE MEN WHO HAD ESCAPED FLED.
SOME OF THEM MADE THEIR WAY TO CANADA TO FURTHER FREEDOM.
THERE WAS A HUGE TRIAL AFTERWARD.
41 PEOPLE WERE TRIED FOR TREASON AGAINST THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, FOR
TREASON.
THE FIRST CASE, THE JURY ACQUITTED THIS MAN, A WHITE MAN
IN 15 MINUTES, AND THE REST OF THE CHARGES WERE DISMISSED.
BUT THE INTERESTING DETAIL FOR ME THAT IS INDICATIVE OF HOW
DENSE AND COMPLICATED THE ISSUES OF THE DAY WERE WAS THERE WAS A
MAN NAMED NOAH BUELLY, ONE OF THE RUNAWAYS, HE WAS DESCRIBED
AS A MU LATO.
HE WAS SAID TO HAVE FIRED THE FIRST SHOT IN RETURN FROM THE
HOUSE.
HE WAS ALSO REPORTED TO BE EDWARD GORSUCH'S SON, A SON THAT
HE HAD FATHERED BY A WOMAN THAT HE ENSLAVED.
AND IT -- YOU KNOW, A LOT OF TENSIONS AMONG FAMILIES, YOU
KNOW, NOWADAYS, POLITICAL TENSIONS, BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE
THANKSGIVING AT THE GORSUCH'S?
PRETTY TENSE.
NOAH BUELLY PROBABLY WASN'T INVITED TO THE TABLE.
BUT, FOR ME, I DIDN'T KNOW OF THIS STORY, AND IT WAS SO
TELLING ABOUT HOW COMPLICATED OUR HISTORY IS, HOW INTERTWINED
WE ARE.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE HAVING CONVERSATIONS NOW ABOUT RACE,
AND YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY SEEM TO BE QUALIFIED TO
HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS, BUT THEY HAVE LARGE MICROPHONES, BUT
THEY CERTAINLY DON'T SEEM TO BE AWARE OF DETAILS HIKE THAT THAT
EXIST THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY BECAUSE, ON THAT DAY, EDWARD
GORSUCH WAS WHITE, AND HIS SON WAS CLEARLY BLACK.
SO WE'RE ASKING QUESTIONS NOW IN PUBLIC ABOUT RACE THAT HAVE BEEN
ANSWERED MANY, MANY DECADES AGO IN OUR HISTORY, BUT IF WE GO
BACK AND READ THAT HISTORY, REVISIT THAT HISTORY, THE
LESSONS THAT LINCOLN LEFT US, THE LESSONS THAT PEOPLE LIKE
FREDERIC DOUGLAS LEFT US, WHO WAS A BIG INFLUENCE ON LINCOLN,
IF WE REVISIT THOSE MEN'S JOURNEYS, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF OUR
QUESTIONS MIGHT BE ANSWERED BECAUSE, YEAH, WE'RE DIVIDED
NOW, BUT IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT WAS BACK IN THE MID 19
19th CENTURY.
WE HAVE IT PRETTY GOOD COMPARED TO WHAT WAS GOING ON BACK THEN,
AND THEY GOT THROUGH IT, AND PERHAPS IF WE FOLLOW THEIR LEAD,
WE'LL GET THROUGH THESE DIFFICULT, CHALLENGING DAYS
WE'RE FACING NOW.
>> Stephen: HOPEFULLY WITH FEWER BULLETS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> STEPHEN: LINCOLN'S DILEMMA PREMIERES ON APPLE TV+ THIS
FRIDAY.
JEFFREY WRIGHT, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "THE
MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL'S," ALEX BORSTEIN.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW
FROM "FAMILY GUY," "GETTING ON," AND AS SUSIE MYERSON IN
"THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL."
>> LET'S GO.
WHAT?
RIGHT NOW, LET'S GO, WE'RE GOING OUT.
>> OUT WHERE?
DON'T THINK, DON'T TALK, JUST WALK.
>> OX, FINE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> WRONG WAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING.
>> GRAB A HAT.
NO, BECAUSE IT WON'T BE JUST A HAT.
>> YES, IT WILL.
DO NOT CHANGE YOUR WARDROBE IT'S FINE.
>> IT'S JUST A HAT!
NEVER JUST A HAT!
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ALEX BORSTEIN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
HELLO.
WELCOME.
EVERYTHING OKAY.
>> EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
I'M VERY SHORT SO I HAVE TO SIT FORWARD.
>> Stephen: SO LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> SO LOVELY WE'VE MET.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE GONE SO LONG WITHOUT
HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW.
>> I KNOW, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.
>> Stephen: HERE, THE LAST TWO YEARS.
>> YOU LIKE THIS?
>> Stephen: I DO.
I LOVE "I DREAM OF JEANNIE."
>> IT'S LIKE I'M DOING A ONE-WOMAN VERSION OF EQUIS OR
SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
IT'S ALL MINE.
IT'S ALL REAL.
>> Stephen: HEY, I HEARD SOMETHING THAT I DID NOT EXPECT,
IS THAT OVER THE COVID TIMES, YOU HUNG OUT --, LIKE, YOUR
PLACE OF SAFETY WAS BARCELONA?
>> YES, MY SAFE PLACE IS BARCELONA.
AND MY SAFE WORD IS BANANA.
>> Stephen: PUMPKIN PATCH.
REALLY?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I WAS LIVING IN BARCELONA CLOSE TO FIVE YEARS, AND COVID
HAPPENED AND, SO, I BATTENED DOWN THE HATCHES THERE.
>> Stephen: HOW TOUGH WAS THE LOCKDOWN THERE?
EUROPEANS TOOK IT VERY SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?
>> VERY SERIOUSLY.
WE HAD TIMES OF DAY WE COULD WALK OUR DOG.
TIMES OF DAY WE COULD TAKE OUR CHILDREN OUT AND DEPENDING ON
AGE IT WAS DIFFERENT TIMES.
SO PEOPLE WOULD BORROW PEOPLE'S PETS TO GET OUT AND WALK.
WE SAW A GUY WITH A GOAT.
NOT JOKING.
>> Stephen: T "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL" IS RETURNING FOR
THE FOURTH SEASON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: SO WE'VE MADE IT TO 1960 AT THIS POINT.
>> YES, 1960.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE A MANAGER OF A STANDUP IN THE
SERIES, AND YOU DID STANDUP WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, I HEAR.
>> I DID STANDUP.
THE FIRST TIME I DID STANDUP, I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.
>> Stephen: WOW, WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT WHEN YOU'RE 16?
>> I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS GOOD.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, SO AT THAT TIME
IT'S TEACHERS, PARENTS, SCHOOL.
I HAD A GIG WHEN I WAS 16.
IT WAS A PLACE CALLED GAL GEARS.
NOT "THE" GAL GEARS BUT A BASEMENT OF A RAMADA IN, IN
CALIFORNIA.
>> Stephen: SURE, GALLAGHER'S.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THEY PAID ME 20 BUCKS AND I
FILLED THE HOUSE WITH A BUNCH OF JEWISH PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: SO THEY MADE THEIR MONEY BACK.
>> THEY DID.
THE MATERIAL, ONE BIT WAS, IN PARTICULAR, ABOUT THE TOILET
PAPER IN THE BATHROOMS AT THE SCHOOL.
THEY WOULDN'T LET US HAVE REGULAR ROLLED TOILET PAPER, IT
WAS TOO GOOD FOR US, APPARENTLY.
IT WAS THESE TINY SHEETS, YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE THINGS?
>> Stephen: YES.
AND IT WAS THIS BIG AND I BASICALLY STOOD ON STAGE AND
COMPARED IT TO ME -- AND SAID, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE TRYING, FOR
COST-SAVING PURPOSES, THIS IS DOING THE OPPOSITE BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: WELL, DOES THIS TEMPT YOU AT ALL, BEING SOME
MANAGING STANDUP.
>> TO DO STANDUP AGAIN?
I DID AND I HA AND I HAVE.
IN BARCELONA, IN A POPULATION OF 2 MILLION PEOPLE, THERE ARE
6,000 JEWS IN BARCELONA AND I FOUND ONE-HALF OF THEM.
>> Stephen: HALF?
HALF.
>> Stephen: THESE GUYS?
YES.
>> Stephen: WHO ARE THESE FELL LALLS.
>> I STARTED DOING A MUSICAL STANDUP SHOW WITH THESE FELLAS.
I REFERRED TO THEM AS THIS IS THE RICK MORAN IS ( BLEEP )
HERE.
THAT'S ERIC.
AND THIS WE ALWAYS REFERRED TO AS EASE AT THE BAN GOLBERTO.
DOES HE NOT LOOK LIKE STEPHEN COLBERT?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHEN WAS THIS
TAKEN?
THIS IS THE SAME GUY OUTSIDE OUR THEATER, PULL OUT --
>> PULL OUT.
I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S CBS.
YES, HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE YOU PEOPLE BUT -- HIS NAME IS
SALIVA, AND THE THREE OF US DO A STANDUP KIND OF ONE-PERSON THING
THAT WE'LL BE SHOOTING THIS YEAR.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A SINGER AS WELL?
>> I SING, YES.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN I SING AND
BEING A SINGER.
>> I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T MADE A LIVING SINGING.
I HAVEN'T YET.
>> Stephen: YET.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, FOLKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
STYLE?
DO YOU LIKE GREAT AMERICAN SONG BOOK?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
I STARTED SINGING.
I LOVED IT.
I WENT ON AN AUDITION THAT WAS LIKE FOR THIS THEATER CAMP AND
THEY MADE US AUDITION TO THE DANCE TEACHER, THE SINGING
TEACHER AND THEY'D WRITE NOTES, YOU KNOW, WHEN I GOT UP TO THE
SINGING PART NEXT TO THE PIANO, AND WE HAD DONE THE NOTICE AND I
SNUCK A PEEK AT THE NOTES AND SAID, ASTERISK, HAS WEIGHT
PROBLEM, TONE DEAF.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND I WAS, LIKE, I AM NOT TONE
DEAF!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT STUCK WITH ME.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT FRED ASTAIRE'S AUDITION WITH
MGM?
THE NOTES WERE, CAN'T SING, CAN'T ACT, BALDING, CAN DANCE A
LITTLE.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE NOTES SAY ON HIS SCREEN TEST.
>> THAT'S INSANE.
>> Stephen: I THINK OF YOU AS THE FRED ASTAIRE OF "THE
MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL."
>> THANK YOU, I'LL TAKE IT ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ALEX, SO LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
SEASON FOUR OF "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL" PREMIERES THIS
FRIDAY ON PRIME VIDEO.
ALEX BORSTEIN, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE
BY MAXWELL.
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING HIS SINGLE "OFF," MAXWELL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'M IN THE ZONE
AM I ALONE?
♪ I FEAR THAT YOU DON'T
♪ AGREE OH
♪ DO YOU BELIEVE BABE DO YOU FEEL DECEIVED, BABE
♪ DECISIONS LIKE THIS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE MADE ALONE
♪ CAN I COME THROUGH AND SEE WILL YOU RECEIVE ME UH
♪ I'M SHOOTIN' ALL MY SHOTS I WON'T MISS THEM,
♪ NO I'M GIVING ALL I GOT NEVER EVER LET THIS GO
♪ OH-NO-NO-NO AND IF I HIT THAT SPOT
♪ ACCEPT THE MISSION AND GO, OFF ( CARRIED NOTE )
♪ TURN DOWN THE SHADES LET'S DRINK LEMONADE
♪ I KNOW YOU'RE HERE
♪ TO SET ME FREE AYE SET ME FREE
♪ SET ME IF YOU NEED YOUR SPACE
♪ I WON'T INVADE THERE'S NO NEED
♪ TO RUSH THIS HASTILY
♪ HOPE YOU RECEIVE ME AND KEEP SHOOTIN' ALL YOUR SHOTS
♪ DON'T YOU MISS THEM NO OH
♪ KEEP GIVING ALL YOU GOT NEVER EVER LET THIS GO
♪ OH NO AND IF I HIT THAT WE'RE ON A
♪ MISSION TO GO OFF I SEE YOU IN THE DARK
♪ YOU'RE LIKE A MOONLIT SPARK I'VE NEVER BEEN SO IN AWE
♪ CREAMY CHOCOLATE WORK OF ART YOUR SKIN IS SO DAMN SOFT
♪ COCOA BUTTER, SILKY THOUGHTS YOU GOT THE BALL IN YOUR COURT
♪ TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BOSS
EVEN IF I TAKE A LOSS, ♪ YEAH I'M SHOOTIN' ALL MY SHOTS
I WON'T MISS THEM, ♪ NO,
OH I'M GIVING ALL I GOT ♪ NEVER EVER LET THIS GO
OH-NO-NO-NO ♪ AND IF I HIT THAT SPOT
ACCEPT THE MISSION ♪ AND GO, OFF ( CARRIED NOTE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY!
WE DECIDED TO GIVE A VALENTINE, RIGHT?
>> STEPHEN: MAXWELL, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE JOHN OLIVER.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.
MAXWELL!