1 00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:03,403 >> GOOD-BYE, FORMER WASHINGTON 2 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:07,307 FOOTBALL TEAM, RIGHT? >> YEAH. 3 00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:08,742 >> AND HELLO COMMANDERS. WASHINGTON'S N.F.L. TEAM 4 00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:10,844 UNVEILED A NEW NAME FOLLOWING YEARS OF CRITICISM AND 5 00:00:10,910 --> 00:00:15,215 CONTROVERSY. FOR MORE THAN EIGHT DECADES, THE 6 00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:16,282 TEAM WAS KNOWN AS A NAME THAT MAY PEOPLE FOUND TO BE 7 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:23,289 OFFENSIVE. >> YES. 8 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,624 >> AND SO OFFICIALS FINALLY DECIDED TO TEMPORARILY CHANGE 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,459 THE NAME IN 2020 AMID AN OUTCRY FROM NATIVE AMERICAN ACTIVISTS 10 00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:29,596 WHO ACCUSED THE TEAM OF UPHOLDING A RACIAL SLUR. 11 00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:34,534 >> THE N.F.L. IS PROUD TO ENTER INTO A NEW ERA OF TOLERANCE, 12 00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,071 WITH WASHINGTON RENAMING THEIR TEAM THE WASHINGTON COMMANDERS. 13 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:39,806 RACISM SOLVED. LET'S MOVE ON. 14 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,409 >> FORMER DOLPHINS HEAD COACH BRIAN FLORES IS SUING THE 15 00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:47,547 N.F.L., ALLEGING RACISM IN THE HIRING PROCESS. 16 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:52,585 >> ADMITTEDLY, NOT A GOOD LOOK, BUT AT LEAST OUR COACHING STAFFS 17 00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:53,686 ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES WITH DIVERSITY. 18 00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,722 >> ONLY ONE OF THE 32 TEAMS HAS A BLACK HEAD COACH. 19 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:59,526 >> OKAY, SHE'S BRITISH. WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT 20 00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:02,862 FOOTBALL? LOOK, THERE MAY BE A LOT OF 21 00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:04,597 WHITE COACHES IN OUR LEAGUE, BUT THEY ALL EMBRACE ACCEPTANCE. 22 00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:07,767 >> THE HEAD COACH FOR THE. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS RESIGNED 23 00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:11,504 AFTER HIS SEXIST, RACIST, AND HOMOPHOBIC EMAILS. 24 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:14,541 >> OH, COME ON. THAT STUFF HAPPENED SO LONG AGO. 25 00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:17,310 >> HE RESIGNED IN OCTOBER. >> OKAY, THAT WAS THE REGULAR 26 00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:18,912 SEASON. HOW ABOUT THE POSTSEASON? 27 00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:22,315 THERE'S BEEN NO EXAMPLES OF RACIAL INSENSITIVITY. 28 00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:27,654 POINT IS, WE ARE LEARNING FROM 29 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:33,193 THE MISTAKES. SO FROM ALL OF US AT THE N .F.L., 30 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,528 HAPPY SUPER BOWL HISTORY MONTH. 31 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:39,532 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 32 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:47,507 TONIGHT: 33 00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:51,377 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TIM McGRAW 34 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,913 AND MARTHA STEWART 35 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:59,486 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 36 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:02,956 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 37 00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:10,330 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 38 00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:12,532 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 39 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:27,480 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 40 00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:35,488 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 41 00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:41,761 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UP HERE, DOWN THERE, LADIES AND 42 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:47,534 GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 43 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,736 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY-- YOU 44 00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:55,542 CAN FEEL THE ENERGY. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, JON? 45 00:02:55,608 --> 00:03:00,780 HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, EVERYBODY. THIS MORNING, ALL EYES WERE ON 46 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,550 GOBBLER'S NOB, WHICH I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN SAY ON CBS. 47 00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:09,022 ( LAUGHTER ) WEATHER-PREDICTING RODENT 48 00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:11,491 PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW, WHICH MEANS SIX MORE 49 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:16,362 WEEKS OF WINTER. NO, COME ON. 50 00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:19,499 NOT SIX MORE WEEKS. I'M READY FOR BEACH SEASON. 51 00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:23,603 I'VE GOT MY SIX-PACK ALL READY UNDER HERE. 52 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:28,408 BUT BECAUSE OF PUNXATAWNEY, PHIL I CAN'T LEGALLY SHOW YOU. 53 00:03:28,474 --> 00:03:32,679 THAT'S THE ONLY REASON! THING IS: NOT ALL GROUNDHOGS 54 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,047 AGREE WITH PHIL'S FORECAST. HERE IN NEW YORK, STATEN ISLAND 55 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:36,316 CHUCK HAS PREDICTED AN EARLY SPRING. 56 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:41,354 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TRY. 57 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,122 YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME TO GO TO STATE ISLAND. 58 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:46,392 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 59 00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:51,531 NOT GONNA DO IT. SO, WHO DO WE BELIEVE, PHIL OR 60 00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:53,766 CHUCK? APPARENTLY, NEITHER, BECAUSE 61 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:57,303 GROUNDBREAKING ANALYSIS FROM POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATORS 62 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:59,505 fivethirtyeight.com SHOWS THAT GROUNDHOGS DO NOT MAKE GOOD 63 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:02,141 METEOROLOGISTS. ( LAUGHTER ) 64 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:06,913 REALLY? HUH. 65 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,014 REALLY, 538? YOU THINK GROUNDHOGS MAKE BAD 66 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:11,517 PREDICTIONS? HOW'D THEY DO ON THE 2016 67 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,521 ELECTION? ( LAUGHTER ) 68 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:23,329 DEEP ANALYSIS, WHEN COMPARING PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL'S PREDICTIONS 69 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:25,331 TO HISTORICAL WEATHER DATA, HE'S ONLY RIGHT ABOUT A THIRD OF THE 70 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:27,533 TIME. THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER RELY ON 71 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,435 GROUNDHOGS FOR ADVICE. NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING THEY 72 00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:34,073 ARE WHEN THEY PITCH YOU CRYPTO WITH MATT DAMON. 73 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,708 ( LAUGHTER ) MOST RELIABLE. 74 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,579 AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE IT TO THEIR GIG, BECAUSE 75 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:43,516 OVER IN NEW JERSEY, ON THE EVE OF GROUNDHOG DAY, IT WAS 76 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:52,125 ANNOUNCED THAT RESIDENT WEATHER MARMOT, MILLTOWN MEL, HAD DIED-- 77 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,192 ALTHOUGH, THE CAUSE OF DEATH HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED. 78 00:04:53,259 --> 00:05:01,834 COULD IT BE... MURDER? 79 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,236 OR PERHAPS BECAUSE GROUNDHOGS ONLY HAVE AN AVERAGE 80 00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:05,605 LIFE EXPECTANCY OF THREE YEARS AND HE WAS SIX? 81 00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:11,177 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A LONG ONE. 82 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:14,180 THAT'S A LONG SENTENCE TO BE-- LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE. 83 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:17,617 LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE. IN A FACEBOOK POST ON SUNDAY, 84 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,986 MILLTOWN MEL'S HANDLERS SAID: "WE WRANGLERS ARE SAD TO REPORT 85 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:23,523 THAT MILLTOWN MEL RECENTLY CROSSED OVER THE RAINBOW 86 00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:26,426 BRIDGE." BUT BECAUSE IT'S JERSEY, HE'S 87 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,227 STILL STUCK IN RAINBOW TRAFFIC ( LAUGHTER ) 88 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:34,767 RAINBOW TUNNEL. C'MON, JERSEY, RAINBOW TUNNEL. 89 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,169 IT'S ALSO THE SECOND DAY OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AND ONE MAN 90 00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:39,005 IS MAKING BLACK HISTORY BECAUSE THE N.F.L. IS BEING SUED 91 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,574 FOR RACIAL DISCRIMINATION BY FORMER DOLPHINS COACH, BRIAN 92 00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:45,445 FLORES. NOW, SURE, ALMOST 70% OF N .F.L. 93 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,513 PLAYERS ARE BLACK, AND THERE'S ONLY ONE BLACK HEAD COACH IN THE 94 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:51,217 ENTIRE LEAGUE, BUT THE N.F. L. CAN'T BE RACIST. 95 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,586 THEY SPRAY-PAINTED A TINY "END RACISM" NEXT TO THE KANSAS 96 00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:59,525 CITY CHIEF'S LOGO! A LOT OF PUNDITS WERE SURPRISED 97 00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:04,130 WHEN FLORES GOT FIRED BY MIAMI ON JANUARY 10, BECAUSE FLORES 98 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,898 HAD RECORDED THE DOLPHINS' FIRST BACK-TO-BACK WINNING SEASONS 99 00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:10,002 SINCE 2003. BUT THE LAWSUIT EXPLAINS THAT 100 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:13,306 BEHIND THE SCENES, FLORES ACTUALLY CLASHED WITH DOLPHINS 101 00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,508 OWNER AND BUSINESS BASSET HOUND, STEPHEN ROSS. 102 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:19,512 WHEN FLORES WAS HIRED IN 2019, THE DOLPHINS WERE BAD AND HOPING 103 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,614 TO GET THE NUMBER-ONE PICK IN THE DRAFT SO, ACCORDING TO THE 104 00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:26,185 LAWSUIT, ROSS ATTEMPTED TO INCENTIVIZE FLORES TO PURPOSELY 105 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:31,524 LOSE GAMES BY ALLEGEDLY OFFERING HIM $100,000 FOR EVERY LOSS THAT 106 00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:35,528 SEASON. WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY. 107 00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:38,564 THE JETS WILL LOSE FOR FREE. ( LAUGHTER ) 108 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:44,937 BUT-- THAT'S PROBONO. THAT'S CALLED-- THAT'S TRUE? 109 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:49,876 TRUE STORY? BUT, HOLD ON. 110 00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:53,212 IT GETS BAD DIFFERENT, BECAUSE FLORES ALSO ALLEGES THAT AFTER 111 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:54,914 THE 2019 SEASON, ROSS PRESSURED HIM TO RECRUIT AN UNNAMED 112 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:59,285 PROMINENT QUARTERBACK ( COUGH ) 113 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,555 TOM BRADY ( COUGH ) 114 00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,624 ( CLEARS THROAT ) TOM BRADY. 115 00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:08,628 I GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY THROAT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ONE OF 116 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:13,933 THOSE-- ONE OF THOSE... TOM BRADYS? 117 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,535 WHICH WOULD HAVE VIOLATED THE LEAGUE'S TAMPERING RULES. 118 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:19,338 SO FLORES REFUSED. BUT THEN ROSS ALLEGEDLY INVITED 119 00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:22,942 FLORES TO HAVE LUNCH ON A YACHT WHERE HE INFORMED HIM THAT THE 120 00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:27,513 QUARTERBACK WAS CONVENIENTLY ARRIVING AT THE MARINA FOR AN 121 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:32,985 IMPROMPTU MEETING. YEAH, NOTHING SUSPICIOUS THERE. 122 00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:34,554 THERE'S NO MORE INNOCENT PHRASE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAN "I 123 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:38,090 GOT SOMEBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET DOWN AT THE DOCKS." 124 00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:41,561 ( LAUGHTER ) AND WINNING SEVEN OF HIS LAST 125 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:46,165 EIGHT GAMES THIS SEASON, FLORES WAS FIRED, APPARENTLY 126 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:50,436 BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET ALONG AND GO ALONG WITH THE OWNER. 127 00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:52,939 BUT EIGHT OTHER TEAMS ALSO LOST THEIR COACHES, AND FLORES 128 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:54,774 GOT SEVERAL INTERVIEWS THIS OFFSEASON, INCLUDING ONE WITH 129 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,976 THE NEW YORK GIANTS. NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO 130 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,445 UNDERSTAND THAT THE N.F.L. HAS THIS THING FOR 20 YEARS CALLED 131 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:02,081 "THE ROONEY RULE," WHICH REQUIRES N.F.L. TEAMS TO 132 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,516 INTERVIEW A DIVERSE RANGE OF CANDIDATES FOR COACHING JOBS AND 133 00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:10,723 OTHER POSITIONS. IT'S A GREAT IDEA. 134 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:14,193 IT GIVES EVERYBODY AN OPPORTUNITY, UNLESS YOU DON'T 135 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,696 GIVE ANYONE AN OPPORTUNITY, WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS 136 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:18,064 CASE, BECAUSE FLORES LEARNED THAT THE NEW YORK GIANTS HEAD 137 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:19,832 COACHING JOB HAD GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE, THREE DAYS BEFORE HE WAS 138 00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:23,569 SCHEDULED TO INTERVIEW FOR THE POSITION. 139 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:30,576 SO HE'S SAYING THEY WASTED HIS TIME JUST TO CHECK A BOX TO 140 00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:31,844 PRETEND THEY CARED ABOUT DIVERSITY. 141 00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,813 THOUGH, I IMAGINE IT DID TAKE PRESSURE OFF THE JOB INTERVIEW: 142 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:34,780 "WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE YEARS? 143 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:37,483 OH, I DON'T KNOW. SUING YOU?" 144 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:43,189 ( LAUGHTER ) FLORES-- THAT WAS ONE OF THESE. 145 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:49,262 BUT, THERE YOU GO. FLORES ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED THEY 146 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:52,031 HAD ALREADY FILLED THE POSITION FROM NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HEAD 147 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:55,534 COACH AND RECENTLY DECEASED GROUNDHOG, BILL BELICHICK. 148 00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:58,404 ( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS GOOD. 149 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:02,108 HE LOOKS GOOD. FLORES WORKED FOR BELICHICK FOR 150 00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:05,611 ALMOST 15 YEARS, BUT BELICHICK ALSO EMPLOYED ANOTHER BRIAN, 151 00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:14,587 BUFFALO BILLS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, BRIAN DABOLL. 152 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:15,688 DAY-BOL? DAY-BOL? 153 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,623 KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU READ THIS TEXT EXCHANGE. 154 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:23,062 BELICHICK STARTS OFF BY SAYING, "SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE 155 00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,397 LANDED. CONGRATS!!" 156 00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:26,098 TO WHICH FLORES RESPONDS, "DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING I DIDN'T 157 00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:27,300 HEAR?" "GIANTS?!?!?!?!?!" 158 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,568 "I INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY. I THINK I HAVE A SHOT AT IT." 159 00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,704 "GOT IT. I HEAR FROM BUFFALO AND NEW YORK 160 00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:33,806 GIANTS THAT YOU ARE THEIR GUY. HOPE IT WORKS OUT IF YOU WANT 161 00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,942 IT TO!!" "THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT I WANT! 162 00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:38,477 I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, COACH. THANK YOU. 163 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:43,482 COACH, ARE YOU TALKING TO BRIAN FLORES OR BRIAN DABOLL? 164 00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:51,290 JUST MAKING SURE." "SORRY-- I (BLEEP) THIS UP. 165 00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,692 I DOUBLE CHECKED AND MISREAD THE TEXT. 166 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:53,793 I THINK THEY ARE NAMING DABOLL. 167 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,628 I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. B.B." 168 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:59,365 "THANKS BILL." THAT'S THE STORY OF HOW BRIAN 169 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,502 DABOLL GOT LISTED IN BILL BELICHICK'S PHONE AS 170 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:05,638 "WHITE BRIAN." ( LAUGHTER ) 171 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:09,809 BUT-- LONG STORY. IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THAT'S 172 00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:10,910 THE STORY. >> Jon: THAT'S THE STORY. 173 00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:16,349 IT'S A LONG ONE. >> Stephen: BUT FLORES IS STILL 174 00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:19,852 IN THE RUNNING FOR TWO OTHER HEAD COACHING VACANCIES, WHICH 175 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,954 IS WHAT MAKES THIS LAWSUIT EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE. 176 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,556 THE N.F.L., GENERALLY SPEAKING, IS NOT VERY FORGIVING TOWARDS 177 00:10:23,622 --> 00:10:29,228 ANYONE WHO STANDS UP TO THEM. OR KNEELS NEAR THEM. 178 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:34,300 SO FLORES, WHO'S ONLY 40 YEARS OLD, HAS PUT HIS FUTURE 179 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,534 LIVELIHOOD ON THE LINE HERE. BUT HE'S DOING IT FOR A HIGHER 180 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:36,769 PURPOSE, AS HE EXPLAINED ON CNN: 181 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,505 >> I UNDERSTAND THE RISKS. LOOK, I LOVE COACHING FOOTBALL. 182 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:43,542 I'M CALLED TO COACH FOOTBALL. I'M GIFTED TO COACH FOOTBALL, 183 00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:46,579 AND I STILL WANT TO COACH. LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT. 184 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:51,517 BUT THIS IS BIGGER THAN COACHING. 185 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,518 THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME. >> Stephen: THAT GUY IS 186 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,521 INSPIRING. HE SHOULD BE A COACH. 187 00:10:55,588 --> 00:11:08,534 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IN OTHER FOOTBALL 188 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,537 RACISM NEWS, A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER DROPPING THEIR OFFENSIVE 189 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:12,805 TEAM NAME, TODAY THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM REVEALED THEIR NEW 190 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:19,512 NAME. DRUMROLL PLEASE. ( DRUMROLL ) 191 00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:23,816 THAT REALLY FEELS LIKE A WASTE OF A DRUMROLL. 192 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:26,886 I'M SORRY, JOE. ( LAUGHTER ) 193 00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:31,524 NAE MORE GENERIC THAN "FOOTBALL TEAM." 194 00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:34,493 I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING FUN, AND NEW LIKE "THE WASHINGTON 195 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,528 BALLOONS" OR "THE FIGHTIN' DOLLY PARTONS." 196 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,664 "JOLENE" ON FOUR! ( AS QUARTERBACK ) 197 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:47,440 JO-LEEEENE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 198 00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:51,510 THAT WAS A LATE HIT. BUT "COMMANDERS" IS STILL WAY 199 00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:56,982 BETTER THAN THE OLD NAME AND LOGO, WHICH FOR SOME REASON, 200 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,851 WERE STILL FEATURED REPEATEDLY THROUGHOUT THEIR PROMO VIDEO 201 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,019 FOR THE NEW NAME AND LOGO. I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE GUYS 202 00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:05,591 OFFICIATE A WEDDING: "DO YOU, SUSAN, TAKE ANTHONY TO 203 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:08,594 BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND? BECAUSE HE'S BETTER THAN YOUR 204 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:09,562 EX, RYAN, RIGHT? REMEMBER RYAN? 205 00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:12,298 UGH. RYAN WAS THE WORST. 206 00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:17,803 HIGH BROKE YOUR LITTLE HEART YOU LOVED HIM SO MUCH. 207 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:18,637 IS RYAN HERE? RYAN? 208 00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:22,208 COME ON DOWN. WHAT? 209 00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:23,943 HE'S MY PLUS ONE. GROW UP. 210 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:32,818 RYAN, COME ON DOWN." SPEAKING OF WORKPLACE 211 00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,453 INVESTIGATIONS, CNN PRESIDENT AND EXECUTIVE HOT 212 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,754 DOG, JEFF ZUCKER. TODAY, ZUCKER RESIGNED AS THE 213 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,823 PRESIDENT OF CNN, BECAUSE HE FAILED TO DISCLOSE TO THE 214 00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,492 COMPANY A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER SENIOR EXECUTIVE AT 215 00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:47,099 CNN. COME ON, ZUCKER YOU CAN'T KEEP 216 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:48,300 THAT SECRET! REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF 217 00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,703 JOURNALISM: THE MOMENT YOU CONSUMMATE A RELATIONSHIP, YOU 218 00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:51,770 SHOUT "THIS JUST IN!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 219 00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:55,741 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE TIM McGRAW AND 220 00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:57,243 MARTHA STEWART. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 221 00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:58,744 "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND. 222 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,958 WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND 223 00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:58,404 STAY HUMAN, PLEASE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 224 00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:06,178 JUST A MOMENT COMING UP ON THE SHOW-GRAM, WE'VE GOT-- WE'VE GOT 225 00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:09,081 A HOT TIME OLD-TOWN NIGHT, TONIGHT COMING UP IN JUST A 226 00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:11,517 MOMENT, FOR THOSE JUST TUNING IN. 227 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,920 WE'VE GOT MR. TIM McGRAW GOING TO BE HERE IN JUST A MINUTE, A 228 00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:17,623 COUNTRY MUSIC SUPER STAR, GRAMMY WINNER. 229 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,193 HE'S IN THE NEW "1883" ON PARAMOUNT+. 230 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:25,631 IT'S A PREQUEL TO WHAT IS IT, "YELLOWSTONE." 231 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,765 AND MARTHA STEWART WILL BE OUT HERE. 232 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:29,268 MAYBE SHE'S GOING TO BAKE-- MAYBE A BIRTHDAY CAKE. 233 00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:31,003 MAYBE A BIRTHDAY CAKE. WE DON'T KNOW. 234 00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:40,112 WE DON'T KNOW. PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT. 235 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,447 FOLKS, Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, 236 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:43,482 WORKING THE OL' MIRTH KILN, MELTING DOWN THE DAY'S MOST 237 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,551 IMPORTANT GOLDEN STORY INGOTS TO MAKE AN ORNATE SET OF CUSTOM 238 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,053 NEWS VAMBRACES. THEN CARVE A MOULDED CUIRASS 239 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,256 INTO THE MOST TOPICAL ANIMAL-THEMED CHEST PLATE THAT I 240 00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:54,026 DECORATE WITH FINE FILIGREE AND ORNATE PRE-COLUMBIAN PATTERNS TO 241 00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:57,563 CREATE THE BESPOKE SET OF GOLD MUISCA ARMOR THAT IS MY 242 00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:01,233 MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, 243 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,602 FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE BASEMENT OF A DERELICT ROW HOUSE DURING A 244 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,537 FULL MOON, RIFLE THROUGH A DISCARDED BOX OF ELBOW PASTA AND 245 00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:09,541 STRING SOME NOODLES TOGETHER INTO CRUDE SHIN GUARDS WITH 246 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:12,444 COPPER WIRE I STRIPPED OUT OF THE FUNERAL HOME I ROBBED 247 00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:13,812 EARLIER. THEN, I FASHION A HAT BY 248 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,047 STAPLING OLD NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS TO A BIKE HELMET AND WRAP MYSELF 249 00:15:15,114 --> 00:15:17,616 IN A TARP I SWIPED FROM THE RETIREMENT HOME'S HOT TUB TO 250 00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,752 FROLIC BEFORE YOU IN THE MADMAN'S HAZMAT SUIT OF NEWS 251 00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:30,195 THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" 252 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:33,532 "MEANWHILE "IS A SACRED TRUST, A SACRED TRUST TO THE AMERICAN 253 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:37,536 PEOPLE. MEANWHILE, THIS MORNING, 254 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:40,539 THE ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME REVEALED ITS 2022 INDUCTION 255 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:46,779 NOMINEES, INCLUDING THE EURYTHMICS, PAT BENATAR, 256 00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:49,048 KATE BUSH, AND MR. LIONEL RICHIE. 257 00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,550 WE ACTUALLY-- AND THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE. 258 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,186 THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE. AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE FOOTAGE OF 259 00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:57,122 LIONEL GETTING THE COMMITTEE'S CALL: 260 00:15:57,189 --> 00:16:01,660 ♪ HELLO, IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? ♪ 261 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:08,434 ( APPLAUSE ) HAS RECALLED NEARLY 54,000 262 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:12,838 VEHICLES THAT MAY DISOBEY STOP SIGNS." 263 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:17,242 DID THIS NOT COME UP IN THE DESIGN MEETINGS? 264 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,678 "WE GAVE THE CARS TOUCHSCREENS, THE KEY IS SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE 265 00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:24,850 TOY CAR, AND IT'S GOT "DOG MODE" SO THE PETS ARE 266 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:28,554 COMFORTABLE WHILE YOU'RE GONE." "DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD STOP AT 267 00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:29,588 STOP SIGNS?" "SHUT UP, KEVIN! 268 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,658 OOH, LET'S PUT IN KARAOKE! AND A COCAINE HOLDER!" 269 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,593 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHY. 270 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,529 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD SAY THAT. 271 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,832 TESLA MAY HAVE ANOTHER RECALL COMING DOWN THE HIGHWAY, 272 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:42,468 BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, "TESLA DRIVERS ARE REPORTING A SURGE IN 273 00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:45,571 'PHANTOM BRAKING,'" WHERE "TESLAS ARE UNEXPECTEDLY 274 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:49,575 SLAMMING ON THEIR BRAKES IN RESPONSE TO IMAGINED HAZARDS." 275 00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:52,945 OKAY. THERE'S YOUR ANSWER RIGHT THERE. 276 00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:55,080 JUST GET YOUR CAR TO IMAGINE A STOP SIGN. 277 00:16:55,147 --> 00:17:00,352 ( LAUGHTER ) WHERE'S MY COCAINE? 278 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:01,220 MEANWHILE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 279 00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:06,825 I'M NOT INTO THE LIFESTYLE. SO THANKS. 280 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,361 MEANWHILE, THE NORTHEAST GOT HIT WITH HISTORIC SNOWFALL LAST 281 00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:12,030 WEEKEND, BUT NOT EVERYONE HUNKERED DOWN, BECAUSE 282 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:13,966 "ONE RHODE ISLAND COUPLE GOT MARRIED IN AN OUTDOOR WEDDING 283 00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:19,338 CEREMONY DURING THE BLIZZARD," BECAUSE, THE COUPLE SAYS, THEY 284 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:22,841 ARE THEY HERE? ARE YOU HERE. 285 00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,777 BECAUSE, THE COUPLE SAYS, THEY CHOSE THEIR JANUARY 29th WEDDING 286 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:28,914 DATE 14 MONTHS AGO. YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED THAT YOU 287 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,082 HAD BAD WEATHER WHEN YOU SCHEDULE YOUR WEDDING FOR 288 00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:33,585 OUTDOORS IN RHODE ISLAND IN JANUARY. 289 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,454 ( LAUGHTER ) NOISE DURING YOUR SILENT 290 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:41,360 MEDITATION RETREAT AT WRESTLEMANIA. 291 00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:45,531 ( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE TO DRIVER SHORTAGES, 292 00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:49,368 "DOMINO'S IS PAYING CUSTOMERS TO PICK UP THEIR OWN PIZZAS." 293 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:55,507 THAT IS SHOCKING. DOMINO'S IS ALLOWED TO CALL 294 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,509 THAT "PIZZA"? THE CHAIN ANNOUNCED-- 295 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:03,949 ( APPLAUSE ) THE CHAIN ANNOUNCED THE MOVE IN 296 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,551 A NEW AD THAT BOASTS, "YOU'RE NO LONGER JUST A CUSTOMER. 297 00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:12,658 YOU'RE A DELIVERY DRIVER." ( LAUGHTER ) 298 00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,226 "I LOVE THAT DOMINO'S TASTES LIKE TOMATO PAPER. 299 00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,929 I JUST WISH I HAD TO WORK HARDER TO GET IT." 300 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:19,698 MEANWHILE, AN "ENTIRE SHIPMENT OF COOKBOOKS HAS SUNK TO 301 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:27,539 THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN." WELL, THAT'S A GOOD EXCUSE FOR 302 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,041 NOT COOKING ON VALENTINE'S "HONEY, I WAS GONNA MAKE YOU 303 00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:30,509 COQ AU VIN, BUT THE RECIPE IS IN THE MARIANAS TRENCH. 304 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:35,314 SO I'M TREATING YOU TO DOMINO'S. BUT YOU GOTTA GO PICK IT UP." 305 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:39,785 MEANWHILE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 306 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:44,022 MEANWHILE, TO HELP FIGHT OMICRON, THE C.D.C. IS 307 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:47,626 ONCE AGAIN REMINDING EVERYONE TO USE A MEDICAL -GRADE MASK THAT 308 00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,761 "COMPLETELY COVERS YOUR NOSE, MOUTH, AND CHIN." 309 00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:53,565 SO, CLEARLY, THE ONE PERSON DOING THE LEAST TO FIGHT THE 310 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:58,937 SPREAD OF COVID IS THE BATMAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM 311 00:18:59,004 --> 00:18:59,705 McGRAW. ♪ ♪ ♪ 312 00:19:27,432 --> 00:19:33,105 WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY! FOLKS AND FRIENDS, FRIENDLY 313 00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:38,777 FOLKS, NIGH FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A GRAMMY AWARD -WINNING 314 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:43,048 COUNTRY STAR WHO HAS SOLD OVER 50 MILLION ALBUMS WORLDWIDE. 315 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:48,520 HE NOW STARS IN "1883." 316 00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:51,456 >> IF YOU'RE COURTING MY DAUGHTER, YOU CAN. 317 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:56,895 YOU CAN DO IT. >> NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS. 318 00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:03,368 >> SON, IT MEANS YOU CAN TALK AND, AND TALK AND GO ON RIDES 319 00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:06,538 AND TALK. >> WE'VE KIND OF BEEN DOING 320 00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,241 THAT. >> YOU KNOW THE DRILL, THEN. 321 00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:15,047 YOU BREAK HER HEART, GET HANDSY, YOU AND ME GOING TO HAVE A 322 00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:26,358 PROBLEM. >> DEFINE "HANDSY." 323 00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:30,629 >> A JOKE, BAD TIME TO TELL IT. SORRY. 324 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:39,671 SORRY. O 325 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:45,110 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TIM McGRAW! 326 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:45,777 ♪ ♪ ♪ 327 00:20:45,844 --> 00:21:00,726 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 328 00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:03,261 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 329 00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:15,273 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR COMING BACK. 330 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:18,677 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME BACK. >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A 331 00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,979 REGULAR THING. THIS IS YOUR THIRD TIME BEING 332 00:21:21,046 --> 00:21:22,681 HERE. >> WEEKLY, MAYBE. 333 00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,583 >> Stephen: WE COULD DO FRIDAYS. 334 00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:26,151 THANKS FOR WEARING THE COWBOY HATS. 335 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,487 I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. WE NEVER KNOW WHEN WE MIGHT HAVE 336 00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:32,958 TO GIVE OUR HORSE A DRINK. >> I'VE BEEN IN A COWBOY HAT AND 337 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:35,861 CHAPS AND WOOL FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS. 338 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:38,664 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT LAST 339 00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:43,001 NIGHT. FAITH HILL, YOUR COSTAR IN 340 00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:44,202 "1883". >> WHO? 341 00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:46,338 >> Stephen: SHE WAS ON THE SHOW, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW LAST 342 00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:49,174 NIGHT. ALL THOSE COSTUMES YOU HAVE TO 343 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,543 WEAR. AID LITTLE SCRATCHY, A LITTLE 344 00:21:51,610 --> 00:21:52,878 SMELLY, I'M GUESSING. >> IT WAS HOT. 345 00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:57,349 WHEN WE SIGNED UP FOR THIS, I TOLD FAITH, "LOOK, WE'RE EITHER 346 00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:59,918 GOING TO BE ON FIRE THE WHOLE TIME OR FREEZING COLD." 347 00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,787 I THINK WE HAD FIVE DAYS THAT WERE COMFORTABLE. 348 00:22:01,853 --> 00:22:08,960 THE REST OF THE TIME IT WAS 115 DEGREES, OR-- OR EIGHT DEGREES. 349 00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:10,996 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I LIKE-- 350 00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:14,232 >> OR WINDY. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I LIKE 351 00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:17,202 IT IN HERE. IT HAS HVAC. 352 00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:18,437 THAT'S MY LOCATION. >> ABSOLUTELY. 353 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:21,206 >> Stephen: YOUR WIFE WAS SAYING LAST NIGHT YOU HAVE THREE 354 00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:23,675 DAUGHTERS AND NOW YOU'RE EMPTY NESTERS. 355 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:26,845 WHAT IS IT-- WHAT IS IT YOU MISS MOST ABOUT HAVING THOSE GIRLS 356 00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:30,449 AROUND? >> YOU KNOW -- 357 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:33,351 >> Stephen: I CAN COMMISERATE. I HAVE THREE, ALSO, AND WE JUST 358 00:22:33,418 --> 00:22:35,854 BECAME EMPTY NESTERS. >> WHAT ARE YOURS. 359 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:40,192 >> Stephen: CHILDREN. GIRL-BOY-BOY. 360 00:22:40,258 --> 00:22:42,227 >> ALL GIRLS, FOUR GIRLS IN MY HOUSE. 361 00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,362 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY IN THE HOUSE. 362 00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:47,999 >> YES, SO I'M NEVER RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING. 363 00:22:48,066 --> 00:22:50,602 I GUESS THE THING WE MISS THE MOST IS THE ENERGY THAT'S AROUND 364 00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:51,870 THE HOUSE. >> Stephen: SURE. 365 00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:57,909 >> WE'VE ALWAYS HAD, YOU KNOW, 15 OR 16 GIRLS, KIDS AROUND OUR 366 00:22:57,976 --> 00:23:02,414 HOUSE ALL THE TIME, HANGING AROUND THE POOL, HAVING PARTIES. 367 00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:06,151 IT'S THE ENERGY. AND, ALSO, YOU KNOW THE ROUTINE 368 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:09,855 EVERY DAY OF GETTING UP, MAKING BREAKFAST, TAKING THEM TO 369 00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:13,158 SCHOOL, COOKING DINNER FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET HOME, GOING TO 370 00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,695 FOOTBALL GAMES-- BECAUSE WE HAD CHEERLEADERS AND ALL THOSE 371 00:23:16,762 --> 00:23:19,131 THINGS. IT'S THE ROUTINE OF IT, AND 372 00:23:19,197 --> 00:23:23,068 THE-- AND, YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT KEEPS YOU SORT OF ON 373 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:24,503 TARGET. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU FILLED 374 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:26,071 UP YOUR TIME. YOU'VE GOT A LOT GOING ON. 375 00:23:26,138 --> 00:23:27,439 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU 376 00:23:27,506 --> 00:23:30,275 HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO BROOD ON IT. 377 00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:33,078 I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN A MINUTE. 378 00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:36,348 YOU'RE GOING BACK ON TOUR, YOU'RE WORKING ON AN ALBUM. 379 00:23:36,414 --> 00:23:40,819 YOU TWO ARE THE LEADS OF "1883". WHAT IS IT LIKE TO WORK 380 00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:42,988 TOGETHER? SHE SAID YOU ALL LEAVE IT 381 00:23:43,054 --> 00:23:46,525 COMPLETELY AT THE DOOR. YOU DON'T REHEARSE LINES AT 382 00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:47,759 HOME. >> NO. 383 00:23:47,826 --> 00:23:50,328 >> Stephen: SHE DID IMPLY THAT YOU SOMETIMES ROLE PLAY YOUR 384 00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:52,264 CHARACTERS. I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP. 385 00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:53,665 SHE IMPLIED. THAT WAS DEFINITELY IMPLIED IN 386 00:23:53,732 --> 00:23:56,868 ONE OF HER ANSWERS LAST NIGHT. >> I ONLY BROUGHT MY CHAPS HOME. 387 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:59,938 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO -- 388 00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:02,908 >> Stephen: THAT PAINT A PICTURE. 389 00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:05,377 >> JUST THE CHAPS. >> Stephen: THAT DOES PAINT A 390 00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:06,878 PICTURE. >> THEY'RE OPEN IN THE FRONT. 391 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,880 THEY'RE OPEN IN THE BACK. >> Stephen: THIS IS NOT-- THIS 392 00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:11,049 IS NOT PARAMOUNT+. THIS IS CBS, REMEMBER. 393 00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:13,585 WE ACTUALLY DO-- >> SAME COMPANY. 394 00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:15,187 >> Stephen: YEAH, DIFFERENT RULES. 395 00:24:15,253 --> 00:24:18,557 LET ME TELL YOU. NOW, YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU HAVE A 396 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:23,061 MAN IN THIS WHO NEEDS NO COSTUME FOR A WESTERN, AND THAT IS SAM 397 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:24,229 ELLIOTT. >> OH! 398 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,798 >> Stephen: WHO I THINK LEGALLY-- 399 00:24:26,865 --> 00:24:27,666 >> YEAH ( APPLAUSE ). 400 00:24:27,732 --> 00:24:30,402 WESTERN, HE HAS TO BE PART OF IT. 401 00:24:30,468 --> 00:24:33,705 YOU HAVE TO BOOK HIM OR HIS MUSTACHE. 402 00:24:33,772 --> 00:24:35,841 ONE OF THE TWO. >> I DON'T KNOW IF THEY COME 403 00:24:35,907 --> 00:24:37,175 SEPARATE. WHAT A SWEET GUY. 404 00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:40,245 YOU KNOW, HE WAS ALWAYS ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS AND FAVORITE 405 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,346 -- >> Stephen: AMAZING, AND A 406 00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:44,516 WONDERFUL PERSON, TOO. >> AND GETTING TO KNOW HIM ON 407 00:24:44,583 --> 00:24:47,385 SET HE BECAME ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE OF ALL TIME. 408 00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:49,454 HE'S THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD. 409 00:24:49,521 --> 00:24:52,290 I CAN TELL YOU ONE STORY. THERE'S A SHOOT-OUT IN THE 410 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:56,461 SECOND EPISODE, WHERE WE'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET STREET, 411 00:24:56,528 --> 00:25:01,266 AND BILLY BOB THORNTON IS IN IT. WE'RE WALKING INTO THE SALOON, 412 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:06,238 CLEARING UP ON THE THE SALOON. I'M SO ENTHRALLED-- BECAUSE 413 00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:09,574 BILLY BOB IS ONE OF THE MOST FANTASTIC ACTORS IN THE WORLD AS 414 00:25:09,641 --> 00:25:14,746 WELL, WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS AS WELL, SINCE "FRIDAY NIGHT 415 00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:16,481 LIGHTS." I'M WATCHING THE SHOOT-OUT, AND 416 00:25:16,548 --> 00:25:20,886 I'M SO ENA THRALLED WITH BILLY BOB'S PERFORMANCE, I WATCHED HIM 417 00:25:20,952 --> 00:25:24,122 DO A THING AND I TOTALLY FORGOT I HAD A LINE WITH SAM. 418 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:29,027 SO I JUST BLOW RIGHT BY SAM AND DON'T STOP AND DELIVER MY LINE. 419 00:25:29,094 --> 00:25:31,863 AND I GET TO THE SALOON DOORS AND I GO ( BLEEP ). 420 00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:34,633 I HAD A LINE WITH SAM AND I FORGOT IT. 421 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:37,869 THEY SAID, "CUT." AND EVERYBODY WAS PERFECT. 422 00:25:37,936 --> 00:25:41,907 SO WE HAD TO DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT MY LINE. 423 00:25:41,973 --> 00:25:45,810 I WALKED BACK TO SAM AND SAID, "GOSH, SAM, I'M SORRY. 424 00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,880 I FORGOT MY LINE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO DELIVER A LINE 425 00:25:48,947 --> 00:25:51,449 TO YOU." AND SAM GOES, "I NOTICED." 426 00:25:51,516 --> 00:25:54,352 AND I'M LIKE OKAY. AND THEN HE GOES, "WELL, AT 427 00:25:54,419 --> 00:25:56,788 LEAST YOU GOT THE SQUINT DOWN." ( LAUGHTER ) 428 00:25:56,855 --> 00:26:03,828 MARK AGAIN. AND GO, DANG, HE JUST JABBED HE. 429 00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:07,532 ( LAUGHTER ) WALKED BACK OVER TO HIM AND 430 00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:12,837 SAID, "YOU KNOW, SAM, THE SQUINT WORKED PRETTY GOOD FOR CLINT 431 00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,674 EASTWOOD." HE GOES, "YEAH, IT DID." 432 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:19,277 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 433 00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:21,646 QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. WHO KNOWS? 434 00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:23,848 MAYBE TIM WILL SING. NO PROMISES. 435 00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:28,086 BUT MAYBE TIM WILL SING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM 436 00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:28,553 McGRAW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 437 00:26:36,795 --> 00:26:38,063 ( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF 438 00:26:38,129 --> 00:26:44,402 "1883", AND OCCASIONAL MUSICIAN, TIM McGRAW. 439 00:26:44,469 --> 00:26:47,639 THERE'S ALSO A REALLY SPECIAL CAMEO IN THE SECOND EPISODE OF 440 00:26:47,706 --> 00:26:50,909 "1883". HOW DID YOU END UP WITH THIS 441 00:26:50,976 --> 00:26:53,211 GENERAL RIGHT HERE. TELL THE PEOPLE WHO THIS IS. 442 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,914 >> TOM HANKS. >> Stephen: THAT'S TOM HANKS 443 00:26:55,981 --> 00:26:58,016 RIGHT THERE. >> YEAH, YEAH, COOL CAT. 444 00:26:58,083 --> 00:27:00,485 >> Stephen: COOL CAT. HAVE YOU KNOWN TOM FOR A WHILE? 445 00:27:00,552 --> 00:27:04,456 >> TOM AND RITA AND THEIR KIDS AND OUR KIDS WE HAVE BEEN FAMILY 446 00:27:04,522 --> 00:27:07,792 FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, BEEN ON VACATIONS TOGETHER AND HUNG OUT 447 00:27:07,859 --> 00:27:11,429 TOGETHER FOR QUITE A LONG TIME. IN FACT, MY MIDDLE DAUGHTER AND 448 00:27:11,496 --> 00:27:13,798 THEIR YOUNGEST SON WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER, COLLEGE 449 00:27:13,865 --> 00:27:15,333 TOGETHER. WE HAVE BEEN FRIEND FOR A LONG 450 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,068 TIME. JUST GREAT PEOPLE. 451 00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:21,439 AND THIS CAMEO THING CAME UP, AND WE WERE DOING THE SHOW AND I 452 00:27:21,506 --> 00:27:24,676 CALLED TOM AND I SAID, "LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANY PRESSURE 453 00:27:24,743 --> 00:27:27,712 ON YOU AND I KNOW YOU'RE TOM HANKS AND YOU COULD DO ANYTHING 454 00:27:27,779 --> 00:27:30,915 YOU WANT IN THE WORLD, BUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE YOU WOULD BE 455 00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:34,986 INTERESTED IN THIS CAMEO--" I SENT HIM THE SCRIPT-- "IF 456 00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:38,723 THERE'S ANY CHANCE YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN THE CAMEO, LET ME 457 00:27:38,790 --> 00:27:40,658 KNOW." HE SAID, "TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE 458 00:27:40,725 --> 00:27:45,363 AND I'LL BE THERE." HE SHOWED UP, HE WAS SO SWEET, 459 00:27:45,430 --> 00:27:48,133 SHOOK HANDS WITH EVERYBODY, TOOK PICTURES WITH EVERYBODY. 460 00:27:48,199 --> 00:27:50,535 IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER AND IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL. 461 00:27:50,602 --> 00:27:53,605 IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD AND MADE EVERYBODY ELSE FEEL GOOD. 462 00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:56,041 >> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE HIM. 463 00:27:56,107 --> 00:27:59,811 >> I KNOW, I KNOW. WHAT AN ASS TOM HANKS IS, RIGHT? 464 00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:02,514 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO GO IN JUST A SECOND. 465 00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:06,117 I WAS HOPING, WOULD YOU MIND, WE HAVE A MIC HERE. 466 00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:07,986 >> OH, BOY. >> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE BEEN 467 00:28:08,053 --> 00:28:11,389 KNOWN TO SING A TUNE AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD BE 468 00:28:11,456 --> 00:28:13,425 WILLING TO SING SOMETHING UP ON THE FOR BREAK. 469 00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:15,693 I KNOW YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO SING. 470 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,529 YOU CAME HERE TO ACT, BUT THAT PART IS DONE. 471 00:28:17,595 --> 00:28:25,437 >> YOU GOT IT? "TINY DANCER." 472 00:28:25,503 --> 00:28:34,279 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BLUE JEAN BABY 473 00:28:34,345 --> 00:28:49,227 L.A. LADY ♪ PRETTY EYED 474 00:28:49,294 --> 00:28:53,064 L.A. LADY ♪ PRETTY EYED 475 00:28:53,131 --> 00:28:59,037 ♪ PIRATE SMILE SHE'LL MARRY A MUSIC MAN 476 00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:06,478 ♪ BALLERINA YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER 477 00:29:06,544 --> 00:29:21,426 ♪ DANCING IN THE SAND CHORUS. ♪ AND HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCER 478 00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:27,432 ♪ DANCING IN THE SAND CHORUS. ♪ AND HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCER 479 00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:38,843 ♪ TURN THE HIGHLIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY 480 00:29:38,910 --> 00:29:46,017 LAY ME DOWN IN SHEETS OF LINEN ♪ YOU HAD A BUSY DAY TODAY ♪ 481 00:29:46,084 --> 00:29:48,520 >> Stephen: TIM McGRAW, EVERYBODY. 482 00:29:48,586 --> 00:29:51,156 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARTHA STEWART. 483 00:30:23,354 --> 00:30:26,057 WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT 484 00:30:26,124 --> 00:30:29,928 GUEST IS A BUSINESSWOMAN, AUTHOR, AND LIFESTYLE GURU WITH 485 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:31,896 A MEDIA EMPIRE. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 486 00:30:31,963 --> 00:30:35,633 SHOW," MARTHA STEWART! MARTHA. 487 00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:37,268 A DELIGHT. GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE. 488 00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:41,739 AS ALWAYS, MADAME, WHAT ARE WE PREPARING TONIGHT? 489 00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:46,244 THIS SEEMS VERY ROMANTIC. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, VALENTINE'S 490 00:30:46,311 --> 00:30:50,114 DAY IS AROUND THE CORNER. >> Stephen: IT IS, IT'S A WEEK 491 00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:51,583 AWAY. >> HAVE YOU GOTTEN THE PRESENTS 492 00:30:51,649 --> 00:30:55,053 FOR YOUR LOVED ONES? >> Stephen: LET'S SAY YES. 493 00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:57,855 >> YOU CAN ALSO BAKE A CAKE AND I UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE TO BAKE. 494 00:30:57,922 --> 00:31:00,525 >> Stephen: I LOVE TO BAKE IN ALL ITS FORM. 495 00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:03,361 PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO. WHAT ARE WE DOING? 496 00:31:03,428 --> 00:31:08,032 >> THIS IS A VERY PRETTY CAKE. IT'S FILLED WITH RASPBERRIES. 497 00:31:08,099 --> 00:31:11,269 IT'S AN EASY CAKE TO BAKE, LIGHT, FLUFFY CAKE. 498 00:31:11,336 --> 00:31:14,005 >> Stephen: FANTASTIC. >> AND YOU MAKE TWO LAYERS AND 499 00:31:14,072 --> 00:31:16,975 YOU CUT THE LAYERS IN HALF. >> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF WE 500 00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:20,945 START OFF WITH A DRINK? >> SHOW THE LABEL, PLEASE 501 00:31:21,012 --> 00:31:28,553 ( CLEARS THROAT ). >> Stephen: THIS IS 19 CRIMES, 502 00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:31,289 MARKET'S CHARD. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THE CORK, 503 00:31:31,356 --> 00:31:35,426 LOOK AT THE CORK. >> AND THIS IS A VERY DELICIOUS 504 00:31:35,493 --> 00:31:40,431 CHARDONNAY, BUT WE CALL IT CHARD, NOWADAYS. 505 00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:43,201 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS CALL IT NOWADAYS. 506 00:31:43,268 --> 00:31:48,072 LISTENING TO THE HIP HOP? >> NOT JUST KIDS, NOT JUST KIDS. 507 00:31:48,139 --> 00:31:50,608 ADULTS. >> Stephen: ADULTS DO WHAT? 508 00:31:50,675 --> 00:31:55,280 >> DRINK CHARD. IS THERE ONLY ADULTS. 509 00:31:55,346 --> 00:31:58,783 IT'S ILLEGAL FOR CHILDREN. >> IT IS. 510 00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:01,219 >> Stephen: YES, MARTHA. >> CAN I HAVE ICE. 511 00:32:01,286 --> 00:32:04,656 >> Stephen: I THOUGHT THAT WAS ANATHEMA. 512 00:32:04,722 --> 00:32:12,297 >> A LOT OF PEOPLE IN FRANCE AND ITALY ALL APPROVE OF ICE IN THE 513 00:32:12,363 --> 00:32:13,698 WHITE WINE. >> Stephen: IT WILL DILUTE IT. 514 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:15,566 >> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. >> Stephen: WHY. 515 00:32:15,633 --> 00:32:19,304 >> BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN GET UP AND LEAVE AND NOT GET TOO DRUNK 516 00:32:19,370 --> 00:32:21,839 AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE GUY YOU CAN GET OUT OF THERE FAST. 517 00:32:21,906 --> 00:32:23,408 >> Stephen: WE'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW. 518 00:32:23,474 --> 00:32:26,077 >> THERE'S A METHOD TO MY MADNESS. 519 00:32:26,144 --> 00:32:27,679 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> WHAT DO YOU THINK? 520 00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:29,714 >> Stephen: OF OUR DATE SO FAR? 521 00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:32,116 ( LAUGHTER ) OUR DATE SO FAR. 522 00:32:32,183 --> 00:32:36,988 >> YES, GOOD, HAVE A SIP. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. 523 00:32:37,055 --> 00:32:42,827 >> Stephen: OH, I COULD GET CRUNKED ON THAT, 100%. 524 00:32:42,894 --> 00:32:47,131 I COULD FUNNEL THAT. >> THE WHOLE IDEA OF CRAHD-- 525 00:32:47,198 --> 00:32:50,268 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED DRY JANUARY? 526 00:32:50,335 --> 00:32:53,237 >> OF COURSE, BUT NOT THIS JANUARY. 527 00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:55,206 >> Stephen: I DID THIS JANUARY. 528 00:32:55,273 --> 00:32:57,742 IT'S A WASTE. WHY NOT SAVE IT FOR LENT. 529 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:02,613 >> YOU CAN DO IT FOR LENT ALSO. NOW I DON'T LIKE YOU. 530 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:10,154 YOU WON'T BE BUYING MY CHARD. I'LL GIVE IT AS GIFTS. 531 00:33:10,221 --> 00:33:14,859 >> THIS IS THE BOTTOM LAYER. IT'S ALREADY BEEN SLATHERED WITH 532 00:33:14,926 --> 00:33:16,494 BUTTER CREAM. >> Stephen: AND THE BUTTER 533 00:33:16,561 --> 00:33:20,631 CREAM IS BUTTER, SUGAR, MILK, CREAM, VANILLA. 534 00:33:20,698 --> 00:33:24,202 >> A TINY PITCH OF SALT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE DEPTH OF FLAVOR. 535 00:33:24,268 --> 00:33:26,504 >> Stephen: AND SALT WILL DO THAT FOR YOU? 536 00:33:26,571 --> 00:33:29,507 I WENT TO A BAR WHERE THEY PUT SALT WATER IN MY COCKTAIL. 537 00:33:29,574 --> 00:33:32,610 >> I DON'T LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: THEY SAID IT WOKE 538 00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:36,447 UP THE FLAVORS. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY STORY. 539 00:33:36,514 --> 00:33:39,751 >> I'M CONCENTRATING. >> Stephen: THIS DATE IS NOT 540 00:33:39,817 --> 00:33:42,520 GOING AS WELL AS I HOPED, MARTHA. 541 00:33:42,587 --> 00:33:44,255 I SPREAD IT OVER THE TOP. >> THAT'S MY PROBLEM. 542 00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:47,458 I DON'T LISTEN -- >> Stephen: IS THERE A SPECIAL 543 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:49,794 SOMEONE ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY FOR YOU, MARTHA? 544 00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:52,997 >> NOT REALLY, IN MY DREAMS. >> Stephen: IF YOUR DREAMS, 545 00:33:53,064 --> 00:33:56,401 DOES HE LOOK LIKE TIM McGRAW, WEARING CHAPS BECAUSE I CAN'T 546 00:33:56,467 --> 00:33:58,669 GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD. ( LAUGHTER ) 547 00:33:58,736 --> 00:34:03,474 SCREAMING WITH THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD. 548 00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:04,976 OKAY. WHAT'S A GOOD DATE FOR YOU? 549 00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:08,546 WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF AN IDEAL DATE, MARTHA? 550 00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:12,049 >> AN IDEAL DATE IS TO GET ON A PLANE, A PRIVATE PLANE -- 551 00:34:12,116 --> 00:34:14,685 >> Stephen: OH, WOW. >> AND FLY OFF TO SOME 552 00:34:14,752 --> 00:34:16,921 MYSTERIOUS LOCATION, LIKE A PRIVATE ISLAND. 553 00:34:16,988 --> 00:34:20,091 >> Stephen: OOOH. >> AND THEN HAVE A NICE WEEKEND. 554 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,394 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> WITH REALLY, REALLY, NICE, 555 00:34:23,461 --> 00:34:27,298 NICE BEACHES AND SWIMMING AND FOOD AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE. 556 00:34:27,365 --> 00:34:28,232 EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: WHAT ELSE? 557 00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:31,302 WHAT ELSE, MARTHA? I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE. 558 00:34:31,369 --> 00:34:34,739 WHA ELSE WOULD IT BE? >> A TYPICAL NICE DATE. 559 00:34:34,806 --> 00:34:37,542 A GOOD DATE. >> Stephen: IS THIS A FIRST 560 00:34:37,608 --> 00:34:38,676 DATE? IS THIS A FIRST DATE? 561 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:41,446 >> IT COULD BE A FIRST DATE. IT COULD BE A SECOND DATE. 562 00:34:41,512 --> 00:34:43,581 I LIKE FIRST DATES LIKE, THAT ACTUALLY. 563 00:34:43,648 --> 00:34:47,251 YOU KNOW, WHY BOTHER, OTHERWISE? ( LAUGHTER ) 564 00:34:47,318 --> 00:34:50,822 RIGHT? >> Stephen: LIFE IS SHORT LIFE 565 00:34:50,888 --> 00:34:53,391 IS SHORT. >> OKAY, YOU DID IT NICER THAN I 566 00:34:53,458 --> 00:34:55,526 DID IT. >> Stephen: WELL, I'M A 567 00:34:55,593 --> 00:34:56,961 NATURAL. WHAT DO I DO NEXT? 568 00:34:57,028 --> 00:35:02,033 NOW WE SLATHER? >> NOW, YOU HAVE TO CUT-- IS IT 569 00:35:02,099 --> 00:35:03,301 CENTERED? CENTERED. 570 00:35:03,367 --> 00:35:04,769 >> Stephen: YOU TELL ME. IT'S HARD TO TELL. 571 00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:08,739 >> CUT THROUGH THE SECOND LAYER. AND THAT LITTLE CAKE-- THAT 572 00:35:08,806 --> 00:35:12,043 LITTLE CAKE CAN BE A PRESENT TO YOUR CHILD. 573 00:35:12,109 --> 00:35:16,147 >> Stephen: OR IF SOMEONE HAS A BIRTHDAY IN THE AUDIENCE, THAT 574 00:35:16,214 --> 00:35:31,095 WOULD BE A FUN THING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 575 00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:32,430 WOULD BE A FUN THING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 576 00:35:32,497 --> 00:35:35,867 >> CENTER IT NICELY AND PUT THE REST OF THE RED RASPBERRIES IN 577 00:35:35,933 --> 00:35:38,903 THE CENTER. SEE HOW PRETTY? 578 00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:41,072 THIS WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO PUT ON THE COVER OF OUR MAGAZINE. 579 00:35:41,138 --> 00:35:43,174 YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT. >> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK YOU 580 00:35:43,241 --> 00:35:46,043 A QUESTION, SPEAKING OF THE BUSINESS SIDE OF MARTHA. 581 00:35:46,110 --> 00:35:49,280 I UNDERSTAND YOUR WEB SITE IS martha.com. 582 00:35:49,347 --> 00:35:51,549 >> YES. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET 583 00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:53,150 THAT? HAVE YOU HAD THAT FOR A LONG 584 00:35:53,217 --> 00:35:55,253 TIME? THERE'S NO WAY SOMEONE DIDN'T 585 00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:58,256 CAMP ON THAT. >> EARLY ON ONE OF MY BOYFRIENDS 586 00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:04,128 TOLD ME TO BUY UP OR AT LEAST RESERVE ALL THE DOMAIN NAMES YOU 587 00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:09,300 NEED. I HAD PAPERs HOME.COM, 588 00:36:09,367 --> 00:36:10,668 martha.com. DIDN'T YOU DO THAT? 589 00:36:10,735 --> 00:36:16,040 >> Stephen: NO. >> YOU DON'T OWN STEPHEN .COM? 590 00:36:16,107 --> 00:36:20,978 >> Stephen: NO, I HAVE BEEN TO BE STEPHEN 134.COM, SOMETHING 591 00:36:21,045 --> 00:36:23,714 LIKE THAT. SOME STUPID ( BLEEP ) LIKE THAT. 592 00:36:23,781 --> 00:36:25,950 >> THAT'S A SHAME. >> Stephen: IT IS A SHAME. 593 00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:29,020 >> YOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE WERE NOT SMART. 594 00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:32,323 >> Stephen: NO, THEY SUCK. >> NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR 595 00:36:32,390 --> 00:36:34,458 PIPING BAG. DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT SO MUCH. 596 00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:36,594 YOU'RE DOING PRETTY DA>N WELL. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 597 00:36:36,661 --> 00:36:39,330 >> I THINK YOU ARE. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 598 00:36:39,397 --> 00:36:41,232 >> TAKE THIS WHIPPED CREAM ALL OVER. 599 00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:43,434 YOU CAN DO IT PRETTILY IF YOU WANT. 600 00:36:43,501 --> 00:36:46,070 >> Stephen: THIS IS WHIPPED CREAM. 601 00:36:46,137 --> 00:36:53,311 >> YES, BUT IT HAS CREME FRESCHE, SO IT'S A LITTLE 602 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,212 TARTAR. >> Stephen: DO YOU UFER PUT 603 00:36:55,279 --> 00:36:59,517 ALMOND EXTRACT IN YOUR WHIPPED CREAM. 604 00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:02,019 >> I DON'T LIKE THAT. BUT YOU COULD DO IT. 605 00:37:02,086 --> 00:37:05,323 I DON'T LIKE IT. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE 606 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:10,828 SOMETHING AGAINST MARZAPAN. >> IT'S ALMOND EXTRACT. 607 00:37:10,895 --> 00:37:13,030 WE COULD ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,. 608 00:37:13,097 --> 00:37:16,934 >> Stephen: BUT THEN THERE'S THE MAKEUP SEX. 609 00:37:17,001 --> 00:37:22,406 ( LAUGHTER ) IN THE FANTASY THAT THIS IS A 610 00:37:22,473 --> 00:37:24,976 DATE-- >> IT'S SO NICE TO FLIRT WITH 611 00:37:25,042 --> 00:37:28,746 STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, MARTHA-- 612 00:37:28,813 --> 00:37:30,548 >> YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE CLOSE FOR TELEVISION. 613 00:37:30,615 --> 00:37:32,917 YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE, STEVE 614 00:37:32,984 --> 00:37:36,687 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT 615 00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:38,723 OUT THAT YOU HAVE LEATHER PANTS ON IN OUR INDICATE. 616 00:37:38,789 --> 00:37:40,625 >> I DO. >> Stephen: THOSE ARE HOT. 617 00:37:40,691 --> 00:37:42,526 >> THEY'RE HOT-- HOT -- >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO 618 00:37:42,593 --> 00:37:46,230 KNOW-- >> THEY HAVE NOTHING UNDERNEATH 619 00:37:46,297 --> 00:37:48,966 THEM. >> Stephen: THE FIRST TIME-- 620 00:37:49,033 --> 00:38:03,914 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE DISGUSTING. 621 00:38:03,981 --> 00:38:04,782 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE DISGUSTING. 622 00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:08,586 YOU ARE A BAD BOY. >> Stephen: I'M A-- 623 00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:15,393 ( APPLAUSE ) >> DO YOU DO THAT, REALLY? 624 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:18,262 >> Stephen: EVERY CHRISTMAS, YOU AND I MADE A KISSING BALL 625 00:38:18,329 --> 00:38:20,231 WHEN YOU WERE ON MY SHOW BACK IN THE DAY. 626 00:38:20,297 --> 00:38:22,933 >> BUT YOU DID NOT KISS ME. >> Stephen: I PUT THAT UP 627 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:24,502 EVERY YEAR. >> YOU DO? 628 00:38:24,568 --> 00:38:25,603 >> Stephen: AND I THINK OF YOU. 629 00:38:25,670 --> 00:38:28,973 >> THAT'S SO NICE. >> Stephen: NOW WHAT DO I DO? 630 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:30,975 AM I DONE? >> THAT'S PRET ENOUGH. 631 00:38:31,042 --> 00:38:34,545 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. >> BUT YOU COULD DO -- 632 00:38:34,612 --> 00:38:36,914 >> Stephen: I COULD DO THE SIDES. 633 00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:39,283 IMAGINE WE ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE LEFT. 634 00:38:39,350 --> 00:38:44,622 WHAT WOULD WE DO. >> YOU COULD EMBELLISH WITH 635 00:38:44,689 --> 00:38:46,757 COCONUT. NOT ON THE RASPBERRIES. 636 00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:50,494 >> Stephen: MY SWEETIE PIE, EVIE, DOESN'T LIKE COCONUT. 637 00:38:50,561 --> 00:38:52,363 >> SHE DOESN'T. >> Stephen: SHE DOESN'T. 638 00:38:52,430 --> 00:38:54,465 >> THEN DON'T PUT THAT ON HER CAKE. 639 00:38:54,532 --> 00:38:57,568 SAVE THAT ONE FOR HER. THIS IS A GOOD CAKE. 640 00:38:57,635 --> 00:38:59,837 THAT LOOKS FANTASTIC. WE SHOULD GIVE THIS TO SOMEBODY 641 00:38:59,904 --> 00:39:02,873 ELSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY. 642 00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:08,879 >> Stephen: YES, WE SHOULD. >> AND WE HAVE THAT ONE, TOO 643 00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:09,880 >> Stephen: HER NEW WEBSITE IS martha.com 644 00:39:09,947 --> 00:39:11,782 HER NAME IS MARTHA STEWART. SHE'S A GREAT DATE. 645 00:39:11,849 --> 00:39:13,718 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU, MARTHA. 646 00:39:13,784 --> 00:39:22,126 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 647 00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:23,227 MARTHA STEWART! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 648 00:39:27,932 --> 00:39:29,166 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 649 00:39:29,233 --> 00:39:33,037 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE DUA LIPA, PLUS A VISIT 650 00:39:33,104 --> 00:39:36,173 FROM MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 651 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:37,141 GOOD NIGHT. 652 00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:56,994 OUT ON THE ROAD. I'VE BEEN DOWN BEFORE. 653 00:39:57,061 --> 00:40:01,298 RIDING AROUND ON THIS BIG OLD JET PLANE, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT 654 00:40:01,365 --> 00:40:06,437 MY HOME. WELL MY HEART KEEPS CALLING ME BACKWARDS. 655 00:40:06,504 --> 00:40:13,677 AS I GET ON THE 707. FRIDAY NIGHT I GOT TEARS IN MY EYES. 656 00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:17,448 YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO GO TO HELL BEFORE YOU GET TO HEAVEN. 657 00:40:17,515 --> 00:40:24,288 BIG OLD JET AIRLINEO DON'T CARRY ME TO FAR AWAY. 658 00:40:24,355 --> 00:40:29,693 BIG OLD JET AIRLINEO CAUSE IT'S HERE THAT I GOT TO STAY.