>> GOOD-BYE, FORMER WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM, RIGHT? >> YEAH.
>> AND HELLO COMMANDERS. WASHINGTON'S N.F.L. TEAM
UNVEILED A NEW NAME FOLLOWING YEARS OF CRITICISM AND
CONTROVERSY. FOR MORE THAN EIGHT DECADES, THE
TEAM WAS KNOWN AS A NAME THAT MAY PEOPLE FOUND TO BE
OFFENSIVE. >> YES.
>> AND SO OFFICIALS FINALLY DECIDED TO TEMPORARILY CHANGE
THE NAME IN 2020 AMID AN OUTCRY FROM NATIVE AMERICAN ACTIVISTS
WHO ACCUSED THE TEAM OF UPHOLDING A RACIAL SLUR.
>> THE N.F.L. IS PROUD TO ENTER INTO A NEW ERA OF TOLERANCE,
WITH WASHINGTON RENAMING THEIR TEAM THE WASHINGTON COMMANDERS.
RACISM SOLVED. LET'S MOVE ON.
>> FORMER DOLPHINS HEAD COACH BRIAN FLORES IS SUING THE
N.F.L., ALLEGING RACISM IN THE HIRING PROCESS.
>> ADMITTEDLY, NOT A GOOD LOOK, BUT AT LEAST OUR COACHING STAFFS
ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES WITH DIVERSITY.
>> ONLY ONE OF THE 32 TEAMS HAS A BLACK HEAD COACH.
>> OKAY, SHE'S BRITISH. WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT
FOOTBALL? LOOK, THERE MAY BE A LOT OF
WHITE COACHES IN OUR LEAGUE, BUT THEY ALL EMBRACE ACCEPTANCE.
>> THE HEAD COACH FOR THE. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS RESIGNED
AFTER HIS SEXIST, RACIST, AND HOMOPHOBIC EMAILS.
>> OH, COME ON. THAT STUFF HAPPENED SO LONG AGO.
>> HE RESIGNED IN OCTOBER. >> OKAY, THAT WAS THE REGULAR
SEASON. HOW ABOUT THE POSTSEASON?
THERE'S BEEN NO EXAMPLES OF RACIAL INSENSITIVITY.
POINT IS, WE ARE LEARNING FROM
THE MISTAKES. SO FROM ALL OF US AT THE N .F.L.,
HAPPY SUPER BOWL HISTORY MONTH.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TIM McGRAW
AND MARTHA STEWART
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UP HERE, DOWN THERE, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY-- YOU
CAN FEEL THE ENERGY. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, JON?
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, EVERYBODY. THIS MORNING, ALL EYES WERE ON
GOBBLER'S NOB, WHICH I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN SAY ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) WEATHER-PREDICTING RODENT
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW, WHICH MEANS SIX MORE
WEEKS OF WINTER. NO, COME ON.
NOT SIX MORE WEEKS. I'M READY FOR BEACH SEASON.
I'VE GOT MY SIX-PACK ALL READY UNDER HERE.
BUT BECAUSE OF PUNXATAWNEY, PHIL I CAN'T LEGALLY SHOW YOU.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON! THING IS: NOT ALL GROUNDHOGS
AGREE WITH PHIL'S FORECAST. HERE IN NEW YORK, STATEN ISLAND
CHUCK HAS PREDICTED AN EARLY SPRING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TRY.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME TO GO TO STATE ISLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NOT GONNA DO IT. SO, WHO DO WE BELIEVE, PHIL OR
CHUCK? APPARENTLY, NEITHER, BECAUSE
GROUNDBREAKING ANALYSIS FROM POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATORS
fivethirtyeight.com SHOWS THAT GROUNDHOGS DO NOT MAKE GOOD
METEOROLOGISTS. ( LAUGHTER )
REALLY? HUH.
REALLY, 538? YOU THINK GROUNDHOGS MAKE BAD
PREDICTIONS? HOW'D THEY DO ON THE 2016
ELECTION? ( LAUGHTER )
DEEP ANALYSIS, WHEN COMPARING PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL'S PREDICTIONS
TO HISTORICAL WEATHER DATA, HE'S ONLY RIGHT ABOUT A THIRD OF THE
TIME. THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER RELY ON
GROUNDHOGS FOR ADVICE. NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING THEY
ARE WHEN THEY PITCH YOU CRYPTO WITH MATT DAMON.
( LAUGHTER ) MOST RELIABLE.
AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE IT TO THEIR GIG, BECAUSE
OVER IN NEW JERSEY, ON THE EVE OF GROUNDHOG DAY, IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT RESIDENT WEATHER MARMOT, MILLTOWN MEL, HAD DIED--
ALTHOUGH, THE CAUSE OF DEATH HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED.
COULD IT BE... MURDER?
OR PERHAPS BECAUSE GROUNDHOGS ONLY HAVE AN AVERAGE
LIFE EXPECTANCY OF THREE YEARS AND HE WAS SIX?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A LONG ONE.
THAT'S A LONG SENTENCE TO BE-- LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE.
LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE. IN A FACEBOOK POST ON SUNDAY,
MILLTOWN MEL'S HANDLERS SAID: "WE WRANGLERS ARE SAD TO REPORT
THAT MILLTOWN MEL RECENTLY CROSSED OVER THE RAINBOW
BRIDGE." BUT BECAUSE IT'S JERSEY, HE'S
STILL STUCK IN RAINBOW TRAFFIC ( LAUGHTER )
RAINBOW TUNNEL. C'MON, JERSEY, RAINBOW TUNNEL.
IT'S ALSO THE SECOND DAY OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AND ONE MAN
IS MAKING BLACK HISTORY BECAUSE THE N.F.L. IS BEING SUED
FOR RACIAL DISCRIMINATION BY FORMER DOLPHINS COACH, BRIAN
FLORES. NOW, SURE, ALMOST 70% OF N .F.L.
PLAYERS ARE BLACK, AND THERE'S ONLY ONE BLACK HEAD COACH IN THE
ENTIRE LEAGUE, BUT THE N.F. L. CAN'T BE RACIST.
THEY SPRAY-PAINTED A TINY "END RACISM" NEXT TO THE KANSAS
CITY CHIEF'S LOGO! A LOT OF PUNDITS WERE SURPRISED
WHEN FLORES GOT FIRED BY MIAMI ON JANUARY 10, BECAUSE FLORES
HAD RECORDED THE DOLPHINS' FIRST BACK-TO-BACK WINNING SEASONS
SINCE 2003. BUT THE LAWSUIT EXPLAINS THAT
BEHIND THE SCENES, FLORES ACTUALLY CLASHED WITH DOLPHINS
OWNER AND BUSINESS BASSET HOUND, STEPHEN ROSS.
WHEN FLORES WAS HIRED IN 2019, THE DOLPHINS WERE BAD AND HOPING
TO GET THE NUMBER-ONE PICK IN THE DRAFT SO, ACCORDING TO THE
LAWSUIT, ROSS ATTEMPTED TO INCENTIVIZE FLORES TO PURPOSELY
LOSE GAMES BY ALLEGEDLY OFFERING HIM $100,000 FOR EVERY LOSS THAT
SEASON. WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY.
THE JETS WILL LOSE FOR FREE. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT-- THAT'S PROBONO. THAT'S CALLED-- THAT'S TRUE?
TRUE STORY? BUT, HOLD ON.
IT GETS BAD DIFFERENT, BECAUSE FLORES ALSO ALLEGES THAT AFTER
THE 2019 SEASON, ROSS PRESSURED HIM TO RECRUIT AN UNNAMED
PROMINENT QUARTERBACK ( COUGH )
TOM BRADY ( COUGH )
( CLEARS THROAT ) TOM BRADY.
I GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY THROAT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ONE OF
THOSE-- ONE OF THOSE... TOM BRADYS?
WHICH WOULD HAVE VIOLATED THE LEAGUE'S TAMPERING RULES.
SO FLORES REFUSED. BUT THEN ROSS ALLEGEDLY INVITED
FLORES TO HAVE LUNCH ON A YACHT WHERE HE INFORMED HIM THAT THE
QUARTERBACK WAS CONVENIENTLY ARRIVING AT THE MARINA FOR AN
IMPROMPTU MEETING. YEAH, NOTHING SUSPICIOUS THERE.
THERE'S NO MORE INNOCENT PHRASE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAN "I
GOT SOMEBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET DOWN AT THE DOCKS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WINNING SEVEN OF HIS LAST
EIGHT GAMES THIS SEASON, FLORES WAS FIRED, APPARENTLY
BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET ALONG AND GO ALONG WITH THE OWNER.
BUT EIGHT OTHER TEAMS ALSO LOST THEIR COACHES, AND FLORES
GOT SEVERAL INTERVIEWS THIS OFFSEASON, INCLUDING ONE WITH
THE NEW YORK GIANTS. NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO
UNDERSTAND THAT THE N.F.L. HAS THIS THING FOR 20 YEARS CALLED
"THE ROONEY RULE," WHICH REQUIRES N.F.L. TEAMS TO
INTERVIEW A DIVERSE RANGE OF CANDIDATES FOR COACHING JOBS AND
OTHER POSITIONS. IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
IT GIVES EVERYBODY AN OPPORTUNITY, UNLESS YOU DON'T
GIVE ANYONE AN OPPORTUNITY, WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS
CASE, BECAUSE FLORES LEARNED THAT THE NEW YORK GIANTS HEAD
COACHING JOB HAD GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE, THREE DAYS BEFORE HE WAS
SCHEDULED TO INTERVIEW FOR THE POSITION.
SO HE'S SAYING THEY WASTED HIS TIME JUST TO CHECK A BOX TO
PRETEND THEY CARED ABOUT DIVERSITY.
THOUGH, I IMAGINE IT DID TAKE PRESSURE OFF THE JOB INTERVIEW:
"WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE YEARS?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. SUING YOU?"
( LAUGHTER ) FLORES-- THAT WAS ONE OF THESE.
BUT, THERE YOU GO. FLORES ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED THEY
HAD ALREADY FILLED THE POSITION FROM NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HEAD
COACH AND RECENTLY DECEASED GROUNDHOG, BILL BELICHICK.
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS GOOD.
FLORES WORKED FOR BELICHICK FOR
ALMOST 15 YEARS, BUT BELICHICK ALSO EMPLOYED ANOTHER BRIAN,
BUFFALO BILLS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, BRIAN DABOLL.
DAY-BOL? DAY-BOL?
KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU READ THIS TEXT EXCHANGE.
BELICHICK STARTS OFF BY SAYING, "SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE
LANDED. CONGRATS!!"
TO WHICH FLORES RESPONDS, "DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING I DIDN'T
HEAR?" "GIANTS?!?!?!?!?!"
"I INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY. I THINK I HAVE A SHOT AT IT."
"GOT IT. I HEAR FROM BUFFALO AND NEW YORK
GIANTS THAT YOU ARE THEIR GUY. HOPE IT WORKS OUT IF YOU WANT
IT TO!!" "THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT I WANT!
I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, COACH. THANK YOU.
COACH, ARE YOU TALKING TO BRIAN FLORES OR BRIAN DABOLL?
JUST MAKING SURE." "SORRY-- I (BLEEP) THIS UP.
I DOUBLE CHECKED AND MISREAD THE TEXT.
I THINK THEY ARE NAMING DABOLL.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. B.B."
"THANKS BILL." THAT'S THE STORY OF HOW BRIAN
DABOLL GOT LISTED IN BILL BELICHICK'S PHONE AS
"WHITE BRIAN." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT-- LONG STORY. IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THAT'S
THE STORY. >> Jon: THAT'S THE STORY.
IT'S A LONG ONE. >> Stephen: BUT FLORES IS STILL
IN THE RUNNING FOR TWO OTHER HEAD COACHING VACANCIES, WHICH
IS WHAT MAKES THIS LAWSUIT EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE.
THE N.F.L., GENERALLY SPEAKING, IS NOT VERY FORGIVING TOWARDS
ANYONE WHO STANDS UP TO THEM. OR KNEELS NEAR THEM.
SO FLORES, WHO'S ONLY 40 YEARS OLD, HAS PUT HIS FUTURE
LIVELIHOOD ON THE LINE HERE. BUT HE'S DOING IT FOR A HIGHER
PURPOSE, AS HE EXPLAINED ON CNN:
>> I UNDERSTAND THE RISKS. LOOK, I LOVE COACHING FOOTBALL.
I'M CALLED TO COACH FOOTBALL. I'M GIFTED TO COACH FOOTBALL,
AND I STILL WANT TO COACH. LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT.
BUT THIS IS BIGGER THAN COACHING.
THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME. >> Stephen: THAT GUY IS
INSPIRING. HE SHOULD BE A COACH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IN OTHER FOOTBALL
RACISM NEWS, A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER DROPPING THEIR OFFENSIVE
TEAM NAME, TODAY THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM REVEALED THEIR NEW
NAME. DRUMROLL PLEASE. ( DRUMROLL )
THAT REALLY FEELS LIKE A WASTE OF A DRUMROLL.
I'M SORRY, JOE. ( LAUGHTER )
NAE MORE GENERIC THAN "FOOTBALL TEAM."
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING FUN, AND NEW LIKE "THE WASHINGTON
BALLOONS" OR "THE FIGHTIN' DOLLY PARTONS."
"JOLENE" ON FOUR! ( AS QUARTERBACK )
JO-LEEEENE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A LATE HIT. BUT "COMMANDERS" IS STILL WAY
BETTER THAN THE OLD NAME AND LOGO, WHICH FOR SOME REASON,
WERE STILL FEATURED REPEATEDLY THROUGHOUT THEIR PROMO VIDEO
FOR THE NEW NAME AND LOGO. I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE GUYS
OFFICIATE A WEDDING: "DO YOU, SUSAN, TAKE ANTHONY TO
BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND? BECAUSE HE'S BETTER THAN YOUR
EX, RYAN, RIGHT? REMEMBER RYAN?
UGH. RYAN WAS THE WORST.
HIGH BROKE YOUR LITTLE HEART YOU LOVED HIM SO MUCH.
IS RYAN HERE? RYAN?
COME ON DOWN. WHAT?
HE'S MY PLUS ONE. GROW UP.
RYAN, COME ON DOWN." SPEAKING OF WORKPLACE
INVESTIGATIONS, CNN PRESIDENT AND EXECUTIVE HOT
DOG, JEFF ZUCKER. TODAY, ZUCKER RESIGNED AS THE
PRESIDENT OF CNN, BECAUSE HE FAILED TO DISCLOSE TO THE
COMPANY A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER SENIOR EXECUTIVE AT
CNN. COME ON, ZUCKER YOU CAN'T KEEP
THAT SECRET! REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF
JOURNALISM: THE MOMENT YOU CONSUMMATE A RELATIONSHIP, YOU
SHOUT "THIS JUST IN!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE TIM McGRAW AND
MARTHA STEWART. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, PLEASE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST A MOMENT COMING UP ON THE SHOW-GRAM, WE'VE GOT-- WE'VE GOT
A HOT TIME OLD-TOWN NIGHT, TONIGHT COMING UP IN JUST A
MOMENT, FOR THOSE JUST TUNING IN.
WE'VE GOT MR. TIM McGRAW GOING TO BE HERE IN JUST A MINUTE, A
COUNTRY MUSIC SUPER STAR, GRAMMY WINNER.
HE'S IN THE NEW "1883" ON PARAMOUNT+.
IT'S A PREQUEL TO WHAT IS IT, "YELLOWSTONE."
AND MARTHA STEWART WILL BE OUT HERE.
MAYBE SHE'S GOING TO BAKE-- MAYBE A BIRTHDAY CAKE.
WE DON'T KNOW.
PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.
FOLKS, Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
WORKING THE OL' MIRTH KILN, MELTING DOWN THE DAY'S MOST
IMPORTANT GOLDEN STORY INGOTS TO MAKE AN ORNATE SET OF CUSTOM
NEWS VAMBRACES. THEN CARVE A MOULDED CUIRASS
INTO THE MOST TOPICAL ANIMAL-THEMED CHEST PLATE THAT I
DECORATE WITH FINE FILIGREE AND ORNATE PRE-COLUMBIAN PATTERNS TO
CREATE THE BESPOKE SET OF GOLD MUISCA ARMOR THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE BASEMENT OF A DERELICT ROW HOUSE DURING A
FULL MOON, RIFLE THROUGH A DISCARDED BOX OF ELBOW PASTA AND
STRING SOME NOODLES TOGETHER INTO CRUDE SHIN GUARDS WITH
COPPER WIRE I STRIPPED OUT OF THE FUNERAL HOME I ROBBED
EARLIER. THEN, I FASHION A HAT BY
STAPLING OLD NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS TO A BIKE HELMET AND WRAP MYSELF
IN A TARP I SWIPED FROM THE RETIREMENT HOME'S HOT TUB TO
FROLIC BEFORE YOU IN THE MADMAN'S HAZMAT SUIT OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
"MEANWHILE "IS A SACRED TRUST, A SACRED TRUST TO THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE. MEANWHILE, THIS MORNING,
THE ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME REVEALED ITS 2022 INDUCTION
NOMINEES, INCLUDING THE EURYTHMICS, PAT BENATAR,
KATE BUSH, AND MR. LIONEL RICHIE.
WE ACTUALLY-- AND THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE.
THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE. AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE FOOTAGE OF
LIONEL GETTING THE COMMITTEE'S CALL:
♪ HELLO, IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? ♪
( APPLAUSE ) HAS RECALLED NEARLY 54,000
VEHICLES THAT MAY DISOBEY STOP SIGNS."
DID THIS NOT COME UP IN THE DESIGN MEETINGS?
"WE GAVE THE CARS TOUCHSCREENS, THE KEY IS SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE
TOY CAR, AND IT'S GOT "DOG MODE" SO THE PETS ARE
COMFORTABLE WHILE YOU'RE GONE." "DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD STOP AT
STOP SIGNS?" "SHUT UP, KEVIN!
OOH, LET'S PUT IN KARAOKE! AND A COCAINE HOLDER!"
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD SAY THAT.
TESLA MAY HAVE ANOTHER RECALL COMING DOWN THE HIGHWAY,
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, "TESLA DRIVERS ARE REPORTING A SURGE IN
'PHANTOM BRAKING,'" WHERE "TESLAS ARE UNEXPECTEDLY
SLAMMING ON THEIR BRAKES IN RESPONSE TO IMAGINED HAZARDS."
OKAY. THERE'S YOUR ANSWER RIGHT THERE.
JUST GET YOUR CAR TO IMAGINE A STOP SIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE'S MY COCAINE?
MEANWHILE-- ( APPLAUSE )
I'M NOT INTO THE LIFESTYLE. SO THANKS.
MEANWHILE, THE NORTHEAST GOT HIT WITH HISTORIC SNOWFALL LAST
WEEKEND, BUT NOT EVERYONE HUNKERED DOWN, BECAUSE
"ONE RHODE ISLAND COUPLE GOT MARRIED IN AN OUTDOOR WEDDING
CEREMONY DURING THE BLIZZARD," BECAUSE, THE COUPLE SAYS, THEY
ARE THEY HERE? ARE YOU HERE.
BECAUSE, THE COUPLE SAYS, THEY CHOSE THEIR JANUARY 29th WEDDING
DATE 14 MONTHS AGO. YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED THAT YOU
HAD BAD WEATHER WHEN YOU SCHEDULE YOUR WEDDING FOR
OUTDOORS IN RHODE ISLAND IN JANUARY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOISE DURING YOUR SILENT
MEDITATION RETREAT AT WRESTLEMANIA.
( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE TO DRIVER SHORTAGES,
"DOMINO'S IS PAYING CUSTOMERS TO PICK UP THEIR OWN PIZZAS."
THAT IS SHOCKING. DOMINO'S IS ALLOWED TO CALL
THAT "PIZZA"? THE CHAIN ANNOUNCED--
( APPLAUSE ) THE CHAIN ANNOUNCED THE MOVE IN
A NEW AD THAT BOASTS, "YOU'RE NO LONGER JUST A CUSTOMER.
YOU'RE A DELIVERY DRIVER." ( LAUGHTER )
"I LOVE THAT DOMINO'S TASTES LIKE TOMATO PAPER.
I JUST WISH I HAD TO WORK HARDER TO GET IT."
MEANWHILE, AN "ENTIRE SHIPMENT OF COOKBOOKS HAS SUNK TO
THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN." WELL, THAT'S A GOOD EXCUSE FOR
NOT COOKING ON VALENTINE'S "HONEY, I WAS GONNA MAKE YOU
COQ AU VIN, BUT THE RECIPE IS IN THE MARIANAS TRENCH.
SO I'M TREATING YOU TO DOMINO'S. BUT YOU GOTTA GO PICK IT UP."
MEANWHILE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, TO HELP FIGHT OMICRON, THE C.D.C. IS
ONCE AGAIN REMINDING EVERYONE TO USE A MEDICAL -GRADE MASK THAT
"COMPLETELY COVERS YOUR NOSE, MOUTH, AND CHIN."
SO, CLEARLY, THE ONE PERSON DOING THE LEAST TO FIGHT THE
SPREAD OF COVID IS THE BATMAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM
McGRAW. ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY! FOLKS AND FRIENDS, FRIENDLY
FOLKS, NIGH FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A GRAMMY AWARD -WINNING
COUNTRY STAR WHO HAS SOLD OVER 50 MILLION ALBUMS WORLDWIDE.
HE NOW STARS IN "1883."
>> IF YOU'RE COURTING MY DAUGHTER, YOU CAN.
YOU CAN DO IT. >> NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> SON, IT MEANS YOU CAN TALK AND, AND TALK AND GO ON RIDES
AND TALK. >> WE'VE KIND OF BEEN DOING
THAT. >> YOU KNOW THE DRILL, THEN.
YOU BREAK HER HEART, GET HANDSY, YOU AND ME GOING TO HAVE A
PROBLEM. >> DEFINE "HANDSY."
>> A JOKE, BAD TIME TO TELL IT. SORRY.
SORRY. O
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TIM McGRAW!
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR COMING BACK.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME BACK. >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A
REGULAR THING. THIS IS YOUR THIRD TIME BEING
HERE. >> WEEKLY, MAYBE.
>> Stephen: WE COULD DO FRIDAYS.
THANKS FOR WEARING THE COWBOY HATS.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. WE NEVER KNOW WHEN WE MIGHT HAVE
TO GIVE OUR HORSE A DRINK. >> I'VE BEEN IN A COWBOY HAT AND
CHAPS AND WOOL FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT LAST
NIGHT. FAITH HILL, YOUR COSTAR IN
"1883". >> WHO?
>> Stephen: SHE WAS ON THE SHOW, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW LAST
NIGHT. ALL THOSE COSTUMES YOU HAVE TO
WEAR. AID LITTLE SCRATCHY, A LITTLE
SMELLY, I'M GUESSING. >> IT WAS HOT.
WHEN WE SIGNED UP FOR THIS, I TOLD FAITH, "LOOK, WE'RE EITHER
GOING TO BE ON FIRE THE WHOLE TIME OR FREEZING COLD."
I THINK WE HAD FIVE DAYS THAT WERE COMFORTABLE.
THE REST OF THE TIME IT WAS 115 DEGREES, OR-- OR EIGHT DEGREES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I LIKE--
>> OR WINDY. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I LIKE
IT IN HERE. IT HAS HVAC.
THAT'S MY LOCATION. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: YOUR WIFE WAS SAYING LAST NIGHT YOU HAVE THREE
DAUGHTERS AND NOW YOU'RE EMPTY NESTERS.
WHAT IS IT-- WHAT IS IT YOU MISS MOST ABOUT HAVING THOSE GIRLS
AROUND? >> YOU KNOW --
>> Stephen: I CAN COMMISERATE. I HAVE THREE, ALSO, AND WE JUST
BECAME EMPTY NESTERS. >> WHAT ARE YOURS.
>> Stephen: CHILDREN. GIRL-BOY-BOY.
>> ALL GIRLS, FOUR GIRLS IN MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY IN THE HOUSE.
>> YES, SO I'M NEVER RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING.
I GUESS THE THING WE MISS THE MOST IS THE ENERGY THAT'S AROUND
THE HOUSE. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> WE'VE ALWAYS HAD, YOU KNOW, 15 OR 16 GIRLS, KIDS AROUND OUR
HOUSE ALL THE TIME, HANGING AROUND THE POOL, HAVING PARTIES.
IT'S THE ENERGY. AND, ALSO, YOU KNOW THE ROUTINE
EVERY DAY OF GETTING UP, MAKING BREAKFAST, TAKING THEM TO
SCHOOL, COOKING DINNER FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET HOME, GOING TO
FOOTBALL GAMES-- BECAUSE WE HAD CHEERLEADERS AND ALL THOSE
THINGS. IT'S THE ROUTINE OF IT, AND
THE-- AND, YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT KEEPS YOU SORT OF ON
TARGET. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU FILLED
UP YOUR TIME. YOU'VE GOT A LOT GOING ON.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU
HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO BROOD ON IT.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN A MINUTE.
YOU'RE GOING BACK ON TOUR, YOU'RE WORKING ON AN ALBUM.
YOU TWO ARE THE LEADS OF "1883". WHAT IS IT LIKE TO WORK
TOGETHER? SHE SAID YOU ALL LEAVE IT
COMPLETELY AT THE DOOR. YOU DON'T REHEARSE LINES AT
HOME. >> NO.
>> Stephen: SHE DID IMPLY THAT YOU SOMETIMES ROLE PLAY YOUR
CHARACTERS. I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP.
SHE IMPLIED. THAT WAS DEFINITELY IMPLIED IN
ONE OF HER ANSWERS LAST NIGHT. >> I ONLY BROUGHT MY CHAPS HOME.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO --
>> Stephen: THAT PAINT A PICTURE.
>> JUST THE CHAPS. >> Stephen: THAT DOES PAINT A
PICTURE. >> THEY'RE OPEN IN THE FRONT.
THEY'RE OPEN IN THE BACK. >> Stephen: THIS IS NOT-- THIS
IS NOT PARAMOUNT+. THIS IS CBS, REMEMBER.
WE ACTUALLY DO-- >> SAME COMPANY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, DIFFERENT RULES.
LET ME TELL YOU. NOW, YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU HAVE A
MAN IN THIS WHO NEEDS NO COSTUME FOR A WESTERN, AND THAT IS SAM
ELLIOTT. >> OH!
>> Stephen: WHO I THINK LEGALLY--
>> YEAH ( APPLAUSE ).
WESTERN, HE HAS TO BE PART OF IT.
YOU HAVE TO BOOK HIM OR HIS MUSTACHE.
ONE OF THE TWO. >> I DON'T KNOW IF THEY COME
SEPARATE. WHAT A SWEET GUY.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS ALWAYS ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS AND FAVORITE
-- >> Stephen: AMAZING, AND A
WONDERFUL PERSON, TOO. >> AND GETTING TO KNOW HIM ON
SET HE BECAME ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE OF ALL TIME.
HE'S THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
I CAN TELL YOU ONE STORY. THERE'S A SHOOT-OUT IN THE
SECOND EPISODE, WHERE WE'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET STREET,
AND BILLY BOB THORNTON IS IN IT. WE'RE WALKING INTO THE SALOON,
CLEARING UP ON THE THE SALOON. I'M SO ENTHRALLED-- BECAUSE
BILLY BOB IS ONE OF THE MOST FANTASTIC ACTORS IN THE WORLD AS
WELL, WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS AS WELL, SINCE "FRIDAY NIGHT
LIGHTS." I'M WATCHING THE SHOOT-OUT, AND
I'M SO ENA THRALLED WITH BILLY BOB'S PERFORMANCE, I WATCHED HIM
DO A THING AND I TOTALLY FORGOT I HAD A LINE WITH SAM.
SO I JUST BLOW RIGHT BY SAM AND DON'T STOP AND DELIVER MY LINE.
AND I GET TO THE SALOON DOORS AND I GO ( BLEEP ).
I HAD A LINE WITH SAM AND I FORGOT IT.
THEY SAID, "CUT." AND EVERYBODY WAS PERFECT.
SO WE HAD TO DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT MY LINE.
I WALKED BACK TO SAM AND SAID, "GOSH, SAM, I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT MY LINE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO DELIVER A LINE
TO YOU." AND SAM GOES, "I NOTICED."
AND I'M LIKE OKAY. AND THEN HE GOES, "WELL, AT
LEAST YOU GOT THE SQUINT DOWN." ( LAUGHTER )
MARK AGAIN. AND GO, DANG, HE JUST JABBED HE.
( LAUGHTER ) WALKED BACK OVER TO HIM AND
SAID, "YOU KNOW, SAM, THE SQUINT WORKED PRETTY GOOD FOR CLINT
EASTWOOD." HE GOES, "YEAH, IT DID."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE TIM WILL SING. NO PROMISES.
BUT MAYBE TIM WILL SING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM
McGRAW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
"1883", AND OCCASIONAL MUSICIAN, TIM McGRAW.
THERE'S ALSO A REALLY SPECIAL CAMEO IN THE SECOND EPISODE OF
"1883". HOW DID YOU END UP WITH THIS
GENERAL RIGHT HERE. TELL THE PEOPLE WHO THIS IS.
>> TOM HANKS. >> Stephen: THAT'S TOM HANKS
RIGHT THERE. >> YEAH, YEAH, COOL CAT.
>> Stephen: COOL CAT. HAVE YOU KNOWN TOM FOR A WHILE?
>> TOM AND RITA AND THEIR KIDS AND OUR KIDS WE HAVE BEEN FAMILY
FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, BEEN ON VACATIONS TOGETHER AND HUNG OUT
TOGETHER FOR QUITE A LONG TIME. IN FACT, MY MIDDLE DAUGHTER AND
THEIR YOUNGEST SON WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER, COLLEGE
TOGETHER. WE HAVE BEEN FRIEND FOR A LONG
TIME. JUST GREAT PEOPLE.
AND THIS CAMEO THING CAME UP, AND WE WERE DOING THE SHOW AND I
CALLED TOM AND I SAID, "LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANY PRESSURE
ON YOU AND I KNOW YOU'RE TOM HANKS AND YOU COULD DO ANYTHING
YOU WANT IN THE WORLD, BUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE YOU WOULD BE
INTERESTED IN THIS CAMEO--" I SENT HIM THE SCRIPT-- "IF
THERE'S ANY CHANCE YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN THE CAMEO, LET ME
KNOW." HE SAID, "TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE
AND I'LL BE THERE." HE SHOWED UP, HE WAS SO SWEET,
SHOOK HANDS WITH EVERYBODY, TOOK PICTURES WITH EVERYBODY.
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER AND IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL.
IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD AND MADE EVERYBODY ELSE FEEL GOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE HIM.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW. WHAT AN ASS TOM HANKS IS, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO GO IN JUST A SECOND.
I WAS HOPING, WOULD YOU MIND, WE HAVE A MIC HERE.
>> OH, BOY. >> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE BEEN
KNOWN TO SING A TUNE AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD BE
WILLING TO SING SOMETHING UP ON THE FOR BREAK.
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO SING.
YOU CAME HERE TO ACT, BUT THAT PART IS DONE.
>> YOU GOT IT? "TINY DANCER."
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BLUE JEAN BABY
L.A. LADY ♪ PRETTY EYED
♪ PIRATE SMILE SHE'LL MARRY A MUSIC MAN
♪ BALLERINA YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER
♪ DANCING IN THE SAND CHORUS. ♪ AND HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCER
♪ TURN THE HIGHLIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY
LAY ME DOWN IN SHEETS OF LINEN ♪ YOU HAD A BUSY DAY TODAY ♪
>> Stephen: TIM McGRAW, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARTHA STEWART.
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS A BUSINESSWOMAN, AUTHOR, AND LIFESTYLE GURU WITH
A MEDIA EMPIRE. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," MARTHA STEWART! MARTHA.
A DELIGHT. GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
AS ALWAYS, MADAME, WHAT ARE WE PREPARING TONIGHT?
THIS SEEMS VERY ROMANTIC. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, VALENTINE'S
DAY IS AROUND THE CORNER. >> Stephen: IT IS, IT'S A WEEK
AWAY. >> HAVE YOU GOTTEN THE PRESENTS
FOR YOUR LOVED ONES? >> Stephen: LET'S SAY YES.
>> YOU CAN ALSO BAKE A CAKE AND I UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE TO BAKE.
>> Stephen: I LOVE TO BAKE IN ALL ITS FORM.
PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>> THIS IS A VERY PRETTY CAKE. IT'S FILLED WITH RASPBERRIES.
IT'S AN EASY CAKE TO BAKE, LIGHT, FLUFFY CAKE.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC. >> AND YOU MAKE TWO LAYERS AND
YOU CUT THE LAYERS IN HALF. >> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF WE
START OFF WITH A DRINK? >> SHOW THE LABEL, PLEASE
( CLEARS THROAT ). >> Stephen: THIS IS 19 CRIMES,
MARKET'S CHARD. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THE CORK,
LOOK AT THE CORK. >> AND THIS IS A VERY DELICIOUS
CHARDONNAY, BUT WE CALL IT CHARD, NOWADAYS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS CALL IT NOWADAYS.
LISTENING TO THE HIP HOP? >> NOT JUST KIDS, NOT JUST KIDS.
ADULTS. >> Stephen: ADULTS DO WHAT?
>> DRINK CHARD. IS THERE ONLY ADULTS.
IT'S ILLEGAL FOR CHILDREN. >> IT IS.
>> Stephen: YES, MARTHA. >> CAN I HAVE ICE.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT THAT WAS ANATHEMA.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE IN FRANCE AND ITALY ALL APPROVE OF ICE IN THE
WHITE WINE. >> Stephen: IT WILL DILUTE IT.
>> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. >> Stephen: WHY.
>> BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN GET UP AND LEAVE AND NOT GET TOO DRUNK
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE GUY YOU CAN GET OUT OF THERE FAST.
>> Stephen: WE'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW.
>> THERE'S A METHOD TO MY MADNESS.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: OF OUR DATE SO FAR?
( LAUGHTER ) OUR DATE SO FAR.
>> YES, GOOD, HAVE A SIP. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
>> Stephen: OH, I COULD GET CRUNKED ON THAT, 100%.
I COULD FUNNEL THAT. >> THE WHOLE IDEA OF CRAHD--
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED DRY JANUARY?
>> OF COURSE, BUT NOT THIS JANUARY.
>> Stephen: I DID THIS JANUARY.
IT'S A WASTE. WHY NOT SAVE IT FOR LENT.
>> YOU CAN DO IT FOR LENT ALSO. NOW I DON'T LIKE YOU.
YOU WON'T BE BUYING MY CHARD. I'LL GIVE IT AS GIFTS.
>> THIS IS THE BOTTOM LAYER. IT'S ALREADY BEEN SLATHERED WITH
BUTTER CREAM. >> Stephen: AND THE BUTTER
CREAM IS BUTTER, SUGAR, MILK, CREAM, VANILLA.
>> A TINY PITCH OF SALT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE DEPTH OF FLAVOR.
>> Stephen: AND SALT WILL DO THAT FOR YOU?
I WENT TO A BAR WHERE THEY PUT SALT WATER IN MY COCKTAIL.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: THEY SAID IT WOKE
UP THE FLAVORS. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY STORY.
>> I'M CONCENTRATING. >> Stephen: THIS DATE IS NOT
GOING AS WELL AS I HOPED, MARTHA.
I SPREAD IT OVER THE TOP. >> THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I DON'T LISTEN -- >> Stephen: IS THERE A SPECIAL
SOMEONE ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY FOR YOU, MARTHA?
>> NOT REALLY, IN MY DREAMS. >> Stephen: IF YOUR DREAMS,
DOES HE LOOK LIKE TIM McGRAW, WEARING CHAPS BECAUSE I CAN'T
GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD. ( LAUGHTER )
SCREAMING WITH THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD.
OKAY. WHAT'S A GOOD DATE FOR YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF AN IDEAL DATE, MARTHA?
>> AN IDEAL DATE IS TO GET ON A PLANE, A PRIVATE PLANE --
>> Stephen: OH, WOW. >> AND FLY OFF TO SOME
MYSTERIOUS LOCATION, LIKE A PRIVATE ISLAND.
>> Stephen: OOOH. >> AND THEN HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> WITH REALLY, REALLY, NICE,
NICE BEACHES AND SWIMMING AND FOOD AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE.
EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: WHAT ELSE?
WHAT ELSE, MARTHA? I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE.
WHA ELSE WOULD IT BE? >> A TYPICAL NICE DATE.
A GOOD DATE. >> Stephen: IS THIS A FIRST
DATE? IS THIS A FIRST DATE?
>> IT COULD BE A FIRST DATE. IT COULD BE A SECOND DATE.
I LIKE FIRST DATES LIKE, THAT ACTUALLY.
YOU KNOW, WHY BOTHER, OTHERWISE? ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT? >> Stephen: LIFE IS SHORT LIFE
IS SHORT. >> OKAY, YOU DID IT NICER THAN I
DID IT. >> Stephen: WELL, I'M A
NATURAL. WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
NOW WE SLATHER? >> NOW, YOU HAVE TO CUT-- IS IT
CENTERED? CENTERED.
>> Stephen: YOU TELL ME. IT'S HARD TO TELL.
>> CUT THROUGH THE SECOND LAYER. AND THAT LITTLE CAKE-- THAT
LITTLE CAKE CAN BE A PRESENT TO YOUR CHILD.
>> Stephen: OR IF SOMEONE HAS A BIRTHDAY IN THE AUDIENCE, THAT
WOULD BE A FUN THING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> CENTER IT NICELY AND PUT THE REST OF THE RED RASPBERRIES IN
THE CENTER. SEE HOW PRETTY?
THIS WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO PUT ON THE COVER OF OUR MAGAZINE.
YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT. >> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK YOU
A QUESTION, SPEAKING OF THE BUSINESS SIDE OF MARTHA.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR WEB SITE IS martha.com.
>> YES. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET
THAT? HAVE YOU HAD THAT FOR A LONG
TIME? THERE'S NO WAY SOMEONE DIDN'T
CAMP ON THAT. >> EARLY ON ONE OF MY BOYFRIENDS
TOLD ME TO BUY UP OR AT LEAST RESERVE ALL THE DOMAIN NAMES YOU
NEED. I HAD PAPERs HOME.COM,
martha.com. DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?
>> Stephen: NO. >> YOU DON'T OWN STEPHEN .COM?
>> Stephen: NO, I HAVE BEEN TO BE STEPHEN 134.COM, SOMETHING
LIKE THAT. SOME STUPID ( BLEEP ) LIKE THAT.
>> THAT'S A SHAME. >> Stephen: IT IS A SHAME.
>> YOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE WERE NOT SMART.
>> Stephen: NO, THEY SUCK. >> NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR
PIPING BAG. DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT SO MUCH.
YOU'RE DOING PRETTY DA>N WELL. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> I THINK YOU ARE. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> TAKE THIS WHIPPED CREAM ALL OVER.
YOU CAN DO IT PRETTILY IF YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHIPPED CREAM.
>> YES, BUT IT HAS CREME FRESCHE, SO IT'S A LITTLE
TARTAR. >> Stephen: DO YOU UFER PUT
ALMOND EXTRACT IN YOUR WHIPPED CREAM.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT. BUT YOU COULD DO IT.
I DON'T LIKE IT. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE
SOMETHING AGAINST MARZAPAN. >> IT'S ALMOND EXTRACT.
WE COULD ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: BUT THEN THERE'S THE MAKEUP SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE FANTASY THAT THIS IS A
DATE-- >> IT'S SO NICE TO FLIRT WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, MARTHA--
>> YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE CLOSE FOR TELEVISION.
YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE, STEVE
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT
OUT THAT YOU HAVE LEATHER PANTS ON IN OUR INDICATE.
>> I DO. >> Stephen: THOSE ARE HOT.
>> THEY'RE HOT-- HOT -- >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO
KNOW-- >> THEY HAVE NOTHING UNDERNEATH
THEM. >> Stephen: THE FIRST TIME--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
YOU ARE A BAD BOY. >> Stephen: I'M A--
( APPLAUSE ) >> DO YOU DO THAT, REALLY?
>> Stephen: EVERY CHRISTMAS, YOU AND I MADE A KISSING BALL
WHEN YOU WERE ON MY SHOW BACK IN THE DAY.
>> BUT YOU DID NOT KISS ME. >> Stephen: I PUT THAT UP
EVERY YEAR. >> YOU DO?
>> Stephen: AND I THINK OF YOU.
>> THAT'S SO NICE. >> Stephen: NOW WHAT DO I DO?
AM I DONE? >> THAT'S PRET ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. >> BUT YOU COULD DO --
>> Stephen: I COULD DO THE SIDES.
IMAGINE WE ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE LEFT.
WHAT WOULD WE DO. >> YOU COULD EMBELLISH WITH
COCONUT. NOT ON THE RASPBERRIES.
>> Stephen: MY SWEETIE PIE, EVIE, DOESN'T LIKE COCONUT.
>> SHE DOESN'T. >> Stephen: SHE DOESN'T.
>> THEN DON'T PUT THAT ON HER CAKE.
SAVE THAT ONE FOR HER. THIS IS A GOOD CAKE.
THAT LOOKS FANTASTIC. WE SHOULD GIVE THIS TO SOMEBODY
ELSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY.
>> Stephen: YES, WE SHOULD. >> AND WE HAVE THAT ONE, TOO
>> Stephen: HER NEW WEBSITE IS martha.com
HER NAME IS MARTHA STEWART. SHE'S A GREAT DATE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU, MARTHA.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
MARTHA STEWART! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE DUA LIPA, PLUS A VISIT
FROM MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
OUT ON THE ROAD. I'VE BEEN DOWN BEFORE.
RIDING AROUND ON THIS BIG OLD JET PLANE, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
MY HOME. WELL MY HEART KEEPS CALLING ME BACKWARDS.
AS I GET ON THE 707. FRIDAY NIGHT I GOT TEARS IN MY EYES.
YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO GO TO HELL BEFORE YOU GET TO HEAVEN.
BIG OLD JET AIRLINEO DON'T CARRY ME TO FAR AWAY.
BIG OLD JET AIRLINEO CAUSE IT'S HERE THAT I GOT TO STAY.