THE FIRST RULE OF "FIGHT CLUB" BY TALKING ABOUT "FIGHT CLUB,"
BUT I HAVE TO HERE BECAUSE CHINA HAS RELEASED A DIFFERENT ENDING
FOR THE FILM WHERE, SPOILER ALERT IN CASE YOU INTEND TO SEE
THE CHINESE VERSION, INSTEAD OF FIREWORKS AND TAKING DOWN
CONSUMERISM, YOU ONLY SEE THIS CAPTION EXPLAINING HOW POLICE
SAVED THE DAY, CAPTURED THE CRIMINALS AND SEND TYLER DURDEN TO THE INSANE ASYLUM.
>> I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
LISTEN TO ME, HATCHER, YOU'VE
GOT TO TELL 'EM, SOYLENT GREEN IS --
>> SEE YOU NEXT SATURDAY.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES KATE
AND OLIVER HUDSON. AND MUSICAL GUESTS ST. PAUL AND
THE BROKEN BONES. FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN." LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen:
>> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY!
BEAUTIFUL. PEACE BE WITH YOU.
( AUDIENCE CHANTING ) ♪ I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE
CHILDREN -- ♪ WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS OFFICIAL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- AS OF 1230 THIS AFTERNOON, AMERICA IS GETTING A NEW
JURIST GRANDE SUPREME. THAT MEANS IT COMES WITH A
DOLLOP OF SOUR CREAM. BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT
A RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN
BREYER, SEEN HERE UNDRESSING YOUR AMICUS BRIEFS WITH HIS
EYES. ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN INVITED THE 83-YEAR-OLD JUSTICE TO THE
WHITE HOUE TO ANNOUNCE THE RETIREMENT.
OF COURSE, IT WAS A PARTICULARLY PATRIOTIC EVENT, BECAUSE IF YOU
PUT THEIR AGES TOGETHER, IT ADDS UP TO 1776.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE PRESIDENT TALKED ABOUT HIS LONG HISTORY WITH BREYER.
>> WE WERE JOKING WITH ONE ANOTHER WHEN HE WALKED IN--
DID WE EVER THINK THAT HE WOULD HAVE SERVED DECADES ON THE COURT
AND I'D BE THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES WHEN THE DAY HE
CAME TO RETIRE? I-- AND HE LOOKED AT IT AND--
I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT I SAID. I'M JOKING.
( LAUGHTER ) HE HIT THE -- HE HIT THE BEST
PART OF EVERY JOKE, EXTRA WORDS, NO ENERGY AND EXPLAINING IT'S A
JOKE. I TELL YA -- I TELEYA MOM -- I
GOT A -- I UH -- THIS FELLA HERS FELLA -- I WAS SAYING TO THIS
GUY OVER HERE YOUR MOM IS SO FAT SHE WENT TO CHURCH AND AT THE
CHURCH, SHE WAS THERE FOR A BAPTISM, AND SHE WAS BAPTIZED
AND IT WAS AT THE CHURCH AND THE CHURCH WAS SEAWORLD.
AND I DON'T WANT TELL YOU WHAT SHE SAID, I'M JOKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S QUALITY. IT'S QUALITY.
JUSTICE BREYER TALKED ABOUT HOW HE AND HIS WIFE PAID HIS
GRANDCHILDREN TO MEMORIZE ONE OF LINCOLN'S GREATEST SPEECHES.
>> JOANNA PAID EACH OF OUR GRANDCHILDREN A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF MONEY TO MEMORIZE THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
THE REASON-- THE REASON THAT-- THAT-- THAT-- WHAT WE WANT THEM
TO PICK UP, THERE, AND WHAT I WANT THOSE STUDENTS TO PICK UP,
IF I CAN REMEMBER THE FIRST TWO LINES, IS THAT, "FOUR SCORE
AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT UPON...
CREATED THIS COUN... HEAR THIS A NEW COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BREYER) "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN FATHERS
AGO, OUR... COUNTRY DID HEED THE--
CALL OF NATURE, AND A TREE DID FALL IN THE WOODS WITH
NO-ONE TO HEAR IT. WAIT, LET ME START OVER.
FOUR SCORE AND 20 BLACKBIRDS BAKED IN A PIE AGO...
JOANNA, WHERE'S MY FIVE BUCKS?" JOANNA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN FAIRNESS, I THINK JUSTICE
BREYER WAS JUST DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF HOW LINCOLN WOULD
SOUND IF HE'D GIVEN THE SPEECH AFTER THE PLAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: WOW! >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: TOO SOON. TOO SOON.
>> Jon: AN HISTORICAL FIGURE. >> Stephen: BREYER'S
RETIREMENT MEANS BIDEN GETS TO APPOINT HIS REPLACEMENT.
AT THE RETIREMENT CEREMONY, BIDEN SPELLED OUT THE EXACT
QUALITIES HE'S LOOKING FOR IN A CANDIDATE:
>> THE PERSON I WILL NOMINATE WILL BE SOMEONE WITH
EXTRAORDINARY QUALIFICATIONS, CHARACTER, EXPERIENCE, AND
INTEGRITY. AND THAT PERSON WILL BE
THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN EVER NOMINATED TO THE UNITED STATES
SUPREME COURT. >> STEPHEN: THAT WAS A MAJOR
CAMPAIGN PROMISE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT. >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING, THAT'S EXCITING TO HERE.
NOW, BIDEN HASN'T RELEASED ANY NAMES YET, BUT THAT DIDN'T
STOP FOX NEWS FROM SPECULATING YESTERDAY:
>> SO, THIS PERSON HAS TO BE A WOMAN, SHE HAS TO BE BLACK,
AND SHE'S GOT TO BE YOUNGER. ANYONE THINKING WHAT I'M
THINKING? THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH KAMALA HARRIS IN THE WHITE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
>> IT'S A POSSIBILITY. I THINK SHE'S AT LEAST ON THE
SHORT LIST. I THINK IT'S A THEORY THAT COULD
BE CREDIBLE. >> STEPHEN: YES, ACCORDING TO
THEORETICAL SOURCES, THE NAME THEY YANKED OUT OF THEIR KEISTER
COULD BE CREDIBLE. POSSIBLY.
LET ME CLUE YOU IN, FOX NEWS. JOE BIDEN IS NOT NOMINATING
KAMALA HARRIS. IT'S A 50-50 SENATE, AND SHE
CAN'T VOTE FOR HERSELF. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING:
"ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE." NO, IT ISN'T.
THERE IS NO POSSIBLE UNIVERSE IN WHICH THIS HAPPENS.
THANOS CAN SNAP THAT GLOVE ALL HE WANTS, BUT EVEN THE
INFINITY STONES COULDN'T PUT HER ON THE COURT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DR. STEPHEN STRANGE IS LIKE,
"THE MULTIVERSE CONTAINS AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TIMELINES,
BUT IN ALL OF THEM, YOU'RE AN IDIOT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS SHOW IS NOW IN THE MCU. THERE ARE SOME NAMES OUT THERE
THAT ARE POSSIBILITIES, STARTING WITH U.S. COURT OF APPEALS JUDGE
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON. JUDGE JACKSON IS A HARVARD GRAD,
WHO CLERKED FOR BREYER, AND ALSO REPLACED MERRICK GARLAND ON THE
D.C. CIRCUIT. SHE MADE HEADLINES IN 2019 WHEN
SHE RULED AGAINST THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION AND WROTE
"PRESIDENTS ARE NOT KINGS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOOM! >> Jon: COME ON!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THOUGH, IT IS EASY
TO CONFUSE OUR FORMER PRESIDENT WITH THE
ROYALS. HE'S A RACIST WHO'S BEEN ACCUSED
OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND HIS KIDS SEEM A LITTLE INBRED.
( APPLAUSE ) JUST A LITTLE INBRED.
ANOTHER POSSIBLE PICK IS CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
LEONDRA KRUGER. THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT IS
EXACTLY LIKE THE U.S. SUPREME COURT, EXCEPT ALL OF THEIR
OPINIONS COME WITH AVOCADO. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S DELICIOUS. A LITTLE LIME JUICE.
JUSTICE KRUGER IS A YALE LAW SCHOOL GRAD, WHO WAS ACTING
DEPUTY SOLICITOR GENERAL IN THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, AND TWICE
RECEIVED THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL SERVICE,
THE DEPARTMENT'S HIGHEST AWARD FOR EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE.
YES, EVEN HIGHER THAN THE F.B.I.'S CLEAN PLATE CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER POPULAR CONTENDER IS
SOUTH CAROLINA FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT JUDGE J. MICHELLE CHILDS.
I THINK SHE HAS A GOOD CHANCE, BECAUSE THE J. STANDS FOR
JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY. AND, I'M BEING TOLD IT STANDS
FOR JULIANNA. STILL A LOVELY NAME.
WHICHEVER CANDIDATE BIDEN PICKS, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK
SCHUMER PREDICTED THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS WOULD TAKE
PLACE SWIFTLY AND THAT A BIDEN NOMINEE WILL BE CONFIRMED WITH
"ALL DELIBERATE SPEED." AND IF CHUCK SCHUMER IS KNOWN
FOR ANYTHING, IT'S LIGHTNING SPEED.
(AS SCHUMER) "WE ARE COMMITTED TO CONFIRMING
THE PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE, BU FIRST -- BUT FIRST --
( APPLAUSE ) -- WHO WANTS CHEESECAKE?
( LAUGHTER ) THE FOOD OF THE RAPID.
USAIN BOLT DOWNS AN ENTIRE JR.'S BEFORE HE RUNS THE 100."
THERE'S SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF DISNEYLAND.
THEY'RE UPDATING THE LOOK OF ONE OF THEIR MAJOR CHARACTERS,
BECAUSE MINNIE MOUSE IS DITCHING HER ICONIC RED DRESS FOR A
PANTSUIT. UNFORTUNATELY, DONALD DUCK IS
STILL RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS CLOACA OUT.
JUST WAVING IN THE WIND. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT RIGHT. IT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL, JON.
>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW. >> Stephen: SHOCKING CHILDREN.
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: MINNIE'S NEW LOOK
WILL DEBUT IN MARCH AT DISNEYLAND PARIS, WHICH
IS JUST LIKE REGULAR DISNEYLAND, ONLY MORE EXISTENTIAL.
( FRENCH MUSIC ) ( APPLAUSE )
(TERRIBLE FRENCH ACCENT) "IT EES A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL,
AND, AN INDIFFERENT ONE. OH, PLUTO, LOOK AT THE MESS
YOU'VE MADE. EH, LEAVE IT.
DEATH WAITS FOR US ALL. HA-HA!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A FUN LITTLE STORY, AND YOU'D HAVE TO BE A DESPERATE
CULTURE WAR TROLL TO TAKE ISSUE WITH IT.
WHICH IS WHY FOX NEWS TOOK ISSUE WITH IT.
>> THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTROY THE FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY-- IT
GOES BACK TO WHEN THEY DID THIS WITH THE M&M'S, AND NOW THEY ARE
MAKING HER MORE MASCULINE. >> STEPHEN: YES, THEY'RE MAKING
MINNIE TOO MASCULINE. I THINK SHE SHOULD GO ALL
THE WAY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL, SUPER-FEMININE MINNIE MOUSE:
SMOOSHED PUMPKIN WITH A FLOWER GROWING OUT OF IT.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL HOT STUFF LADY PARTS!
IN LOCAL NEWS NEWS, A KENTUCKY METEOROLOGIST IS GOING VIRAL.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT WHY. >> IT'S 42 IN BEDFORD.
I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW COLD THIS AIR IS--
(FARTS) IT'S 8 IN DES MOINES, IOWA.
>> STEPHEN: WOW! DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?
IT'S GOING TO BE EIGHT DEGREES IN DES MOINES!
OH, AND ALSO, YES, THAT MAN PAUSED, PINNED THE CAMERA, AND
PASSED GAS THAT WAS EVIDENTLY SO POWERFUL THAT IT LIFTED HIM
OFF THE GROUND. I'M NOT IMAGINING THAT, RIGHT?
IT ACTUALLY PROPELLED HIM OUT OF HIS FLOOR SHIMS.
THE VIDEO'S HAS BEEN CROPDUSTING THE INTERNET EVER SINCE SOMEONE
POSTED IT ON TWITTER, AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING THEIR JOLLIES AT
THIS GUY'S EXPENSE. HA-HA.
IT IS TO LAUGH. BUT I'M NOT LAUGHING.
EVERYBODY FARTS. AND ANYONE WHO WATCHES THE NEWS
KNOWS IT'S AN UNRELENTING PARADE OF DREAD.
BUT THIS BRAVE WEATHERMAN STEPPED FORWARD TO CUT THE
TENSION, AND WITH THE WIND AT HIS BACK, GAVE US ALL A BREATH
OF FRESH AIR. THEIR, SIR!
AND HE'S NOT THE FIRST PATRIOTIC JOURNALIST WHO BROKE MORE THAN
JUST NEWS, JIM! >> AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS,
FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 1981. THIS HAS BEEN "CBS EVENING NEWS"
WITH WALTER CRONKITE. (LONG FART)
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ANYBODY -- THAT
HAPPENED. THAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S ARCHIVE FOOTAGE. THAT HAPPENED.
ANYBODY HERE HAVE KIDS? IF SO, I HOPE THEY'RE ASLEEP,
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO SHOW A PICTURE OF WISCONSIN SENATOR AND
NATURAL CAVE FORMED AFTER MILLIONS OF YEARS OF LIMESTONE
EROSION, RON JOHNSON. THIS WEEK, JOHNSON GAVE AN
INTERVIEW WHERE HE EXPLAINED WHY HE OPPOSED THE CHILDCARE SUBSIDY
FOR WORKING PARENTS: >> PEOPLE DECIDE TO HAVE
FAMILIES AND BECOME PARENTS. THAT'S SOMETHING THEY NEED TO
CONSIDER WHEN THEY MAKE THAT CHOICE.
I'VE NEVER REALLY FELT IT WAS SOCIETY'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE
CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN. >> STEPHEN: YES, IT'S NEVER BEEN
SOCIETY'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
THAT'S WHY, WHEN A SHIP IS SINKING, EVERYONE SAYS "WOMEN
AND CHILDREN FIRST. UNLESS THEY'RE NOT MY KIDS.
IN THAT CASE, LET'S LASH THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE A RAFT!"
OKAY, I'VE GOT TO POINT OUT THAT CHILDREN GROW UP TO BE
PEOPLE, AND A RECENT STUDY CONFIRMED THAT CASH AID TO
POOR MOTHERS INCREASES BRAIN ACTIVITY IN BABIES.
SO, QUICK! SOMEONE SEND SOME MONEY TO
RON JOHNSON'S MOTHER, AND PRAY THAT IT WORKS RETROACTIVELY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHNSON DOUBLED DOWN ON HIS
TOUGH-ON-BABIES STANCE YESTERDAY, TWEETING:
"THE LEFT WANTS THE GOVERNMENT TO RUN THE FAMILY.
I BELIEVE THE PARENTS DO." IT'S TRUE.
JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN RON JOHNSON'S CAMPAIGN THEME SONG.
( TO THE TUNE OF "GREATEST LOVE OF ALL" )
( CHEERING ) ♪ I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE A
MY GUESTS ARE KATE AND OLIVER
HUDSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, AN UPDATE ON MATT GAETZ-GATE!
STICK AROUND!
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY WITH US STN BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN" RIGHT
OVER THERE! THERE IT IS!
♪♪ ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JOHN, WE'RE GOING
TO BE TALKING TO KATE AND OLIVER HUDSON.
THEY HAVE A PODCAST CALLED "SIBLING REVELRY WITH KATE
HUDSON AND OLIVER HUDSON." THEY WILL BE OUT TO TALK ABOUT
THEIR LIVES AND CAREERS ADD PODCASTS.
WE HAVE A PODCAST, "THE LATE SHOW" POD "LATE SHOW" AVAILABLE
ON SPOTIFY. I LOVE GOING OVER THERE.
I LISTEN TO JOE ROGEN, HEAR HIM SING SOME NEIL YOUNG SONGS
SOMETIMES. HE'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL VOICE,
BEAUTIFUL VOICE. FOLKS, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN, MATT GAETZ, SEEN
HERE FINDING OUT HIS DATE IS 30. ( LAUGHTER )
GAETZ IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE FEDS FOR BOTH ALLEGED
SEX TRAFFICKING, AND HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR.
THE INVESTIGATION'S BEEN QUIET FOR A WHILE, BUT SEEMS LIKE IT'S
HEATING UP AGAIN. IT'S TIME FOR A "GAETZ-GAETE
UP-GAETE!" >> HEY, DO YOU KNOW THE ADDRESS
FOR EUPHORIA HIGH SCHOOL? >> STEPHEN: EVER SINCE THE
INITIAL REPORTS LAST SPRING, GAETZ HAS VEHEMENTLY DENIED
ACCUSATIONS THAT HE ATTENDED DRUG-FUELED SEX RAGERS WHERE HE
PAID UNDERAGE GIRLS FOR SEX. BUT THOSE DENIALS WERE WEAKENED
RECENTLY BY A CONFESSION FROM GAETZ'S FORMER WINGMAN, FLORIDA
TAX COLLECTOR AND GUY SAYING, "IT WAS WEIRD-- IN MY DREAM
SHE ONLY HAD ONE BIG ONE!" JOEL GREENBERG.
GREENBERG IS COOPERATING WITH PROSECUTORS, BECAUSE HE'S NOT
DUMB, AND AS PART OF HIS PLEA AGREEMENT, HE WROTE A LETTER
STATING THAT "ON SEPTEMBER 4, 2017, HE CALLED MATT GAETZ WITH
SOME BAD NEWS. A TEENAGER BOTH MEN HAD PAID TO
HAVE SEX WITH WAS UNDERAGE." TO WHICH GAETZ RESPONDED, "OH, I
GAETZ HASN'T CONFIRMED OR DENIED
THE CALL EVER HAPPENED, BUT, TURNS OUT THERE'S A WITNESS:
FRIEND OF JOEL GREENBERG AND MAN TELLING THE H.R. REP THAT HE
WILL NOT ATTEND THE RESPECTFUL WORKPLACE TRAINING, "BIG" JOE
ELLICOTT. BIG JOE JUST FLIPPED ON GAETZ
AND HAS REPORTEDLY TOLD INVESTIGATORS THAT HE CAN
CONFIRM THE DETAILS OF THE CALL BECAUSE HE WAS IN GREENBERG'S
OFFICE WHEN IT TOOK PLACE. WHAT MASTERMINDS!
ADMITTING TO THEIR CRIMES IN FRONT OF A WITNESS.
(AS CRIMINAL) "ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE?
NO? THEN RECORD ME WITH YOUR PHONE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. I AM SO GUILTY."
ELLICOTT HAD THE ACCESS BECAUSE HE'S GREENBERG'S LONGTIME BEST
FRIEND, AS WELL AS A FORMER SPORTS RADIO SHOCK JOCK.
WE HAVE A RECORDING OF THE PHONE CALL:
>> DUDE, THAT GIRL WE BOTH SLEPT WITH IS UNDERAGE.
>> NO WAY. >> YES WAY.
(AIRHORN) >> THIS IS ALL BEING RECORDED!
YOUR LIFE IS GOING DOWN THE-- (FLUSH)
I DON'T WANNA WORK. I JUST WANNA
RAT ON MATT GAETZ ALL DAY! ♪
(SOUND EFFECTS) >> J-J-JAIL TIME!
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SOME GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE
WAITING FOR A COVID TEST!
>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
FOLKS, AS Y'ALL KNOW, THROUGHOUT THE OMICRON WAVE, AT-HOME COVID
TESTS HAVE BEEN IN HIGH DEMAND. FOR THE PAST MONTH STORES CAN'T
SEEM TO KEEP THEM IN STOCK DUE TO SUPPLY CHAIN CRISIS, LABOR
SHORTAGES TO WILD WEST STYLE TRAIN ROBBERIES.
AT LEAST THOSE GUYS WEAR MASKS. THAT'S WHY LAST WEEK THE WHITE
HOUSE LAUNCHED COVID TESTS .gov SO ANYONE CAN
REQUEST FREE TESTS SENT DIRECTLY TO THEIR HOME.
THOUGH, EVEN THEN, THEY'LL TAKE UP TO 12 DAYS TO ARRIVE.
SO, FOR ANYONE WHO IS WATCHING THIS WO WEEKS IN THE PAST:
ORDER YOUR TESTS NOW ALSO, PUT FIVE HUNDRE DOLLARS ON THE
49ERS OVER THE PACKERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING, AND YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD FEELING WHEN
AARON RODGERS HAS HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DON'T WORRY -- YOU DON'T
HAVE TO JUST SIT THERE ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR AN AT -HOME TEST TO
BECOME AVAILABLE, BECAUSE I JUST SAW AN AD FOR A BRAND NEW TEST
THAT YOU CAN TAKE WHENEVER YOU WANT.
JIM? >> ANXIOUS ABOUT THE LATEST
INFECTION RATES BUT CAN'T FIND A TEST ANYWHERE?
IT'S TIME YOU TURNED TO OKAY CUE PAL E.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS, SIMPLY REMOVE THE SWAB AND INSERT IN
YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL. THEN ROTATE FOR 20 SECONDS.
NEXT INSERT THE SWAB IN THE OTHER NOSTRIL AND THIS TIME
ROTATE FOR, LET'S SAY, A MINUTE? ACTUALLY, FIVE MINUTES.
YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST SPIN THAT BAD BOY FOR AS
LONG AS YOU WANT AND THEN LEAVE THE SWAB INSERTED SO YOU CAN
SPIN IT MORE LATER. NEXT, TAKE THE OTHER COTTON
SWABS, PLACE ONE IN EACH YEAR AND YOU GUESST IT, SPIN 'EM!
FASTER! FASTER!
>> IS THERE DOING ANYTHING? NOT AT ALL!
OCUPAL ISN'T LIKE OTHER COVID TESTS BECAUSE IT'S NOT ONE.
INSTEAD OUR PSEUDOPATENTED SIGN TIFFIC-SH PROCESS IS DESIGNED TO
KEEP YOU DISTRACTED TILL ANOTHER TEST BECOMES AVAILABLE.
AT LEAST YOU'RE CONFUSED INSTEAD OF ANXIOUS.
APPLY THE TESTING STRIP. APPLY THREE DROPS OF SOLUTION,
THEN ANOTHER DROP. THEN ANOTHER DROP.
OH, WAIT -- DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU STARTED?
>> NO. OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO WASH
YOUR HANDS FIRST TORE THE WHOLE THING IS RUINED.
GUESS YOU WILL HAVE TO START OVER.
>> COME ON! ARE WE ALMOST DONE?
BSOLUTELY! JUST A FEW MORE STEPS.
FIRST, ASSEMBLE THE 1200 -PIECE SCALE MODEL OF THE AT THIS TANK,
TAKE A 28 HOUR NAP, SPIN TWICE COUNTERCLOCKWISE,, EMPLOYEES THE
EXAM. OCUPAL HAS 100% NO RESULTS
GUARANTEE. >> THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME.
EXACTLY. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
NO PROBLEM JUST HEAD TO OUR WEB SITE ANSWER OUR SURVEY, GET
PUT ON HOLD WITH OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE SPOT AND --
( DING ) >> THERE ARE ACTUAL TESTS
AVAILABLE. THANKS, OCUPAL.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME, THE TIMED TEST TO TAKE UP TIME
TILL YOU TEST. IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF YOU HAVE
OMICRON, YEAH, YOU DO. >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUESTS
THIS EVENING ARE A BROTHER AND A SISTER,
YOU KNOW HER FROM "ALMOST FAMOUS" AND "HOW TO LOSE A GUY
IN 10 DAYS." YOU KNOW HIM FROM "NASHVILLE"
AND THE NEW SERIES "THE CLEANING LADY."
THEY ARE CO-HOSTING A PODCAST TOGETHER CALLED "SIBLING REVELRY
WITH KATE HUDSON AND OLIVER HUDSON."
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW WHAT ARE THE ODDS -- KATE AND
OLIVER HUDSON! ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HE DRESSED UP FOR THE OCCASION.
I LITERALLY WAS, LIKE -- >> Stephen: HE WAS WEARING
WHAT HE DROVE OVER IN. >> SHE GAVE ME FLACK ABOUT MY
OUTFIT. >> Stephen: THIS IS WINTER,
THIS IS THE COMING SPRING. THANK YOU FOR GIVING US HOPE.
>> I WAS, LIKE, IT'S LATE NIGHT. NEED TO BE ME.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BOTH OF YOU.
YOU HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR A PODCAST.
I DON'T KNOW OF ANOTHER PODCAST ABOUT SIBLINGS.
IT'S DEDICATED TO SIBLINGS? >> WE INTERVIEW SIBLINGS.
IT'S STARTED WITH OLIVER AND I WANTING TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER
AND THEN WE JUST DECIDED, YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD DO A
PODCAST ABOUT SIBLINGS. >> SHE DOESN'T TRUST ME AS AN
ACTOR TO DO SOMETHING IN THE MOVIE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOU NEED A DAY JOB.
YOU HAVE A FACE FOR RADIO IS WHAT SHE'S SAYING.
>> IT'S A BETTER MEDIUM FOR HIM. >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE SORTS
OF THINGS YOU TALK ABOUT. LIKE SIBLING RIVALRY?
>> WE CALL IT REVELRY BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT HOW WE CELEBRATE THAT
RELATIONSHIP. I DON'T THINK PEOPLE REALLY TALK
ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF IT. AND, SO, THAT'S REALLY WHERE IT
STARTED. AND --
>> IT'S A VERY DYNAMIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE THAT IS
UNDEREXPLORED, I THINK. I THINK SIBLINGS ARE TOGETHER
MORE WITH EACH OTHER THAN THEY ARE EVEN WITH THEIR PARENTS.
THEY CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER AND THEN THEY HATE EACH OTHER
AND:FIDE IN EACH OTHER. >> Stephen: HERE YOU ARE AS
LITTLE SHAVERS RIGHT THERE WITH YOUR MOM GOLDIE HAWN.
>> WHAT IS THIS PICTURE? >> Stephen: COMING BACK FROM
EUROPE, LOOKS LIKE. >> IIS THAT CAROL.
>> Stephen: THAT'S CAROL. HERE YOU ARE WITH YOUR COOL
PARENTS GROWN UP. GOLDIE HAWN AND KURT RUSSELL.
>> THAT WAS AT THE RAISING HELEN PREMIERE.
>> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE.
WHO'S THE OLDER OF THE TWO. >> OLIVER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ASKING ME THAT QUESTION.
>> EVERYONE THINKS I'M YOUNGER BECAUSE SHE'S MORE SUCCESSFUL.
THEY LOOK AT HER AND SAY SHE'S DONE THESE AMAZING THINGS AND
LOOK AT ME AND THINK I'M THE YOUNGER ONE BECAUSE I'M JUST A
LILT WEIRD. >> Stephen: WERE YOU A GOOD
BIG BROTHER? WERE YOU NICE TO HER?
>> NO, I WAS NOT. >> Stephen: YOU CONFIRM THAT.
WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU? >> I THINK MY MOM SAID IT
STARTED WHEN I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL WHEN HE WAS
CATAPULTING CLEAN TYNES FROM MY -- INTO MY CRIB AND SHE HAD
TO REMOVE HIM FROM MY NURSERY AND IT EXPANDED THERE.
>> I DID NOT LIKE SOMEONE INFRINGING ON --
>> STOLE THE THUNDER. OLIVER WAS HAPPY AND CONTENT
WITH LIFE WITH MOM AND I CAME IN AND IT WAS A NEW LITTLE BABY AND
A GIRL WHICH IS A VERY DIFFERENT THING.
>> BY THE WAY, NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
>> AND THEN IT JUST GOT WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I MEAN, THE REALITY IS THAT WE
HAVE A VERY INTERESTING DYNAMIC, AND OLIVER AND I HAD, YOU KNOW,
AN INTERESTING UPBRINGING, AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH CONFLICT
THERE WAS, WE WERE ALWAYS SO CLOSE, AND THEN IT REALLY KIND
OF HIT US WHEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE, AND HE WAS LEAVING.
I MEAN, THIS IS COMING FROM, LIKE, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, ME,
LIKE, GETTING KICKED OUT OF HIS ROOM.
I MEAN, I WAS JUST LIKE ALL I WANTED WAS OLIVER'S ATTENTION.
>> I COULD NOT GIVE HER ANY ATTENTION.
I WAS DEALING WITH MY OWN EMOTIONAL CRISIS OF BEING FROM A
DIVORCE. >> FROM A DIVORCED FAMILY.
I DID NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LOVE HER THE WAY SHE NEEDED
TO BE LOVED. >> IT'S TRUE.
SHE WANTED MY ATTENTION AND I SAID, I NEED TO FOCUSED ON ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH. AND THEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE, AND
IT WAS A DISASTER. WE WERE BOTH VERY UPSET.
HE CAME BACK FROM COLLEGE AND THE THE WHOLE THING FLIPPED.
I HAD ALL THESE CUTE GIRLFRIENDS, AND OLIVER JUST
WANTED MY ATTENTION AND MY FRIENDS' ATTENTION ALL THE TIME.
>> WHEN WE WERE LITTLE, SHE WOULD BE AT MY DOOR ON MY
DOORKNOB WAITING FOR ME TO COME OUT BECAUSE SHE JUST WANTED TO
BE A PART OF MY WORLD. >> Stephen: SURE, OF COURSE.
IT WAS LIKE A HORROR FILM. I WOULD OPEN THE DOOR AND SHE
WOULD BE LIKE -- AND I WOULD BE, DUH!
IT WOULD BE HONESTLY FREAKY. >> I WAS AGGRESSIVE.
I WAS A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE. YOU KNOW, HE WAS ALL I HAD TO
PLAY WITH AT THE THE TIME, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T GROW UP IN ANY OLD HOUSE, AS I SAID.
HERE ARE THE FOLKS, RIGHT HERE. WHAT WERE THEY LIKE AS PARENTS?
>> OKAY. AMAZING.
HONESTLY -- WE HAVE AMAZING PARENTS.
>> INCREDIBLE. YEAH.
LOOK, THE IMPRESSION IS, OF COURSE, WE ARE FROM FAMOUS
PARENTS. >> Stephen: THAT IS A FACT.
THAT IS A FACT. IT'S NOT AN IMPRESSION, IT'S A
FACT. >> BUT WITHIN THE FOUR WALLS, IT
WAS A VERY NORMAL FAMILY, I THINK, BECAUSE THEY CAME FROM
WHERE THEY CAME FROM, IT WAS NOTHING, THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT
AND WANTED TO INSTILL D. >> WELL, THEY SHARED THAT VALUE.
THEY BOTH HAD KIDS FROM OTHER PARENTS -- I MEAN, FROM OTHER --
OUR PARENTS, AND THEN THEY, YOU KNOW, WE BECAME THIS MELTING POT
OF A FAMILY, AND I THINK IT WAS SO IMPORTANT AND THEY KNEW THAT
THEY HAD THE SAME SHARED VALUE OF FAMILY BEING NUMBER ONE THAT
IT BECAME LIKE THEIR -- I MEAN, OTHER THAN OBVIOUSLY BALANCING
THEIR OWN CAREERS AND STUFF, BUT IT BECAME THEIR LIFE PURPOSE IS,
LIKE, WE WILL HAVE THE BEST FAMILY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, MORE KATE AND OLIVER HUDSON, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOSTS OF SIBLING REVELRY, KATE AND
OLIVER HUDSON. YOU GUYS BOTH HAVE KIDS OF YOUR
OWN. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM YOUR FOLKS THAT YOU USE
WITH YOUR OWN KIDS AND WHAT DON'T YOU DO.
>> OH, GOOD. YOU WANT TO GO FIRST?
>> WELL, FOR ME, IT WAS ABOUT LETTING THEM FALL DOWN, LETTING
THEM HAVE THEIR EXPERIENCES AND NOT --
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT YOUR FOLKS DID WITH Y'ALL.
>> YEAH, NOT OVERPARENTING. >> Stephen: DIDN'T HOVER.
IT'S WE KNOW YOU'RE DOING BAD THINGS BUT WE'RE GOING TO LET
YOU DO SOME BAD THINGS. >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU
TALKING, FIVE OR 15. >> BOTH, FIVE AND 15.
FOR ME, HONESTLY, 16. I HAVE A BIT OF A STORY, RIGHT?
I GOT MY CAR AT 16 YEARS OLD. THERE WAS THIS HAIRPIN TURN, IT
WAS A WEEKEND INTO MY FIRST -- ON MY LICENSE AND I
OVERCORRECTED AND I SMASHED INTO THE CURB.
I WENT SIDEWAYS AND SO NOW I HAD TO COME UP WITH A STORY, AND I
REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, OKAY, THERE'S A ONE-WAY STREET ON
BROADWAY ON L.A. AND A CAR MOVED INTO ME AND I HAD TO GET OUT TO
HAVE THE WAY, THEY KNEW I WAS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.
>> BUT YOU TOOK GREAT EFFORT, STRIDES TO LIE.
>> BUT THEY APPRECIATED -- THEY APPRECIATED THAT I CAME UP WITH
THIS STORY AND REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, SO THEY GAVE ME THAT
CREDIT, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT I AM ABSOLUTELY FULL OF --
>> YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEVER GOT THAT PRIVILEGE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BECAUSE I'M THE MIDDLE CHILD,
RIGHT. SO OLIVER WAS THE GOLDEN CHILD.
>> MOM LOVES ME THE MOST. OLIVER GETS AWAY WITH
EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: DO YOU AGREE THAT
MOM LOVES HIM MORE? >> WELL, LOVE IS A DIFFICULT --
I WOULDN'T SAY LOVE. >> NO, I'M HER FAVORITE KID.
BUT DEFINITELY THE FAVORITE HANDS DOWN.
AND MOM WOULD BE, LIKE, HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?
AND I'M, LIKE, BECAUSE ALL ACTIONS POINT TO HIM.
>> WOW. YOU SAY WOW SO DRAMATICALLY.
IT IS A SAT STORY. >> Stephen: DON'T MAKE ME CRY.
DID YOUR PARENTS HAVE THE FAVORITE?
>> Stephen: IT WAS ME. YOU WERE THE BABY.
>> Stephen: I WAS THE BABY OF ELEVEN.
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW OLIVER IS STILL THE FAVORITE.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. >> LOOK AT ME!
LOOK WHAT 'EM WEARING! >> Stephen: IT MAY NOT LAST
BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND YOU ACTUALY MOVED BACK HOME.
>> I DID. >> Stephen: BUDDY, YOU HAVE A
TV SHOW. >> I KNOW!
HE SAYS HE'S RENOVATING HIS HOUSE.
I QUESTION THAT. >> Stephen: ARE YOU IN THE
BASEMENT? WHERE ARE YOU.
>> NO, I'M IN A NICE LITTLE ROOM, THE KIDS ARE THERE, I'M
RENOVATING MY HOME. MOM COOKS GREAT BREAKFASTS IN
THE MORNING. >> Stephen: YOUR MOTHER COOKS
YOU BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING? >> YEAH, BISCUITS AND GRAVY.
THE IRONY -- MAYBE IT'S NOT IRONIC, BUT --
>> Stephen: SAY IT AND I'LL TELL YOU IF IT'S IRONY.
>> OKAY. SORP.
>> I LIVE SEVEN BLOCKS FROM THE HOME I WAS BROUGHT UP IN.
I'M STILL LOOKING TO BE THE FAVORITE CHILD BUT IT'S NOT
WORKING. I LIVE ABOUT SEVEN BLOCKS FROM
MY PARENTS, BOUGHT THE HOWLS I GREW UP IN, AND NOW OUR OTHER
BROTHER LIVES -- >> Stephen: WYATT.
-- YEAH, WYATT, LIVES, LIKE, SEVEN BLOCKS FROM ME AND OLIVER
HAS ALL KINDS OF PLACES TO BE STAYING AT WITH THE KIDS.
IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE FOR OLIVER AND HIS WIFE AND THE KIDS
TO STAY WITH ME SO THE COUSINS COULD BE TOGETHER BUT HE CHOSE
MOMMY. >> YOU'RE NOT MAKING BISCUITS
AND GRAVY IN THE MORNING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THIS IS ANOTHER SIBLING THING, DO YOU WATCH HIS
SHOW, "THE CLEANING LADY"? >> NO.
WAIT. JUST SAY NO.
I DID. I WATCHED THE FIRST ONE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SECOND ONE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SECOND ONE? >> I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SECOND
EPISODE YET. >> Stephen: HOW MANY EPISODE
SO FAR? >> FOUR.
IT'S VERY GOOD. >> Stephen: HOW LONG ARE THEY?
AN HOUR. >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T SPARE AN
HOUR. >> I'M GOING TO LET HER OFF THE
HOOK HERE. >> OUR FAMILIES --
WE DON'T WATCH OTHER STUFF. I'VE SEEN A THIRD OF YOUR
MOVIES. >> TRUTH BY TOLD YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN ANY OF THEM. >> UH I KNOW, BECAUSE I GET IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THE NOVELTY HAS KIND OF WORN
OFF. THERE'S SO MUCH WORK THAT'S
BEING DONE, RIGHT, THAT WE DON'T WERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT I ADMIRE ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU IS THE
HONESTY WITH WHICH YOU'RE TREATING EACH OTHER NOW.
>> WE DEFINITELY HAVE GOOD SELF-HUMOR.
>> YOU SEEN ONE MOVIE OF HEARSE, YOU'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> St
>> STEPHEN: THEIR PODCAST IS "SIBLING REVELRY," AND YOU CAN
SEE OLIVER IN "THE CLEANING LADY" WHICH AIRS MONDAYS ON FOX.
KATE AND OLIVER HUDSON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY ST. PAUL AND THE
BROKEN BONES.
>> Stephen: THEIR ALBUM, "THE ALIEN COAST," COMES OUT TOMORROW
PERFORMING "THE LAST DANCE," ST. PAUL AND THE BROKEN BONES
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ LOSE YOURSELF
IN A SONG THAT DOESN'T ♪ MAKE YOU WANT TO CRY
GOD KNOWS WE NEED IT RIGHT NOW ♪ SO FEEL IT,
FEEL IT, ♪ FEEL IT
ALL ALONE ♪ SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING
THAT WILL ♪ MAKE MY BABY SMILE
APOCALYPTIC DANCE GROOVE ♪ LET'S DO IT,
DO IT, ♪ DO IT
BANG, BANG ♪ GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN
BANG, BANG ♪ GOES THE FEELING THROUGH
MY BRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE FEELING THROUGH ♪ MY BRAIN
I DON'T CARE ♪ IF PEOPLE WATCHING ME
AND THEY THINK ♪ I'M KIND OF STRANGE
LOSE MYSELF IN MUSIC ♪ FEEL IT,
FEEL IT, ♪ FEEL IT
END IS HER ♪ ST. PETER LOST OUR NAMES
MANY SINS BEFORE THE LAST ♪ LET'S MOVE IT WHILE WE CAN NOW
MOVE IT, ♪ MOVE IT,
MOVE IT ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE FEELING THROUGH ♪ MY BRAIN
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE FEELING THROUGH ♪ MY BRAIN
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
BANG, BANG ♪ GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN
BANG, BANG ♪ GOES THE FEELING THROUGH
MY BRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE BULLET LIKE A TRAIN ♪ BANG, BANG
GOES THE FEELING THROUGH ♪ MY BRAIN
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: ST. PAUL AND THE
BROKEN BONES, EVERYBODY. GOODNIGHT.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE MARLEE MATLIN AND
MACKENZIE DAVIS. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.