1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:08,074 MEDIA STORY IS JOE BIDEN BEING CAUGHT ON A HOT MIC SAYING 2 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:12,779 THIS TO A REPORTER WHO IS FROM FOX AND ASKING ABOUT INFLATION. 3 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:23,823 >> A QUESTION ON INFLATION? 4 00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:29,295 ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW "FOX & FRIENDS'" 5 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:37,270 RESPONSE AND NOW "FOX & FRIENDS" RESPONSE TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT 6 00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:52,218 CALLING JAKE ACOSTA... 7 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:53,286 CALLING JAKE ACOSTA... 8 00:00:53,353 --> 00:01:08,234 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE WATCHING THE SHOW-- 9 00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:15,909 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE WATCHING THE SHOW-- 10 00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:19,245 >> YEAH. >> YOU-- YOU-- WHAT DO YOU CALL 11 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:22,182 THIS THING, A BLOWER? >> YEAH, THIS IS A LEAF BLOWER. 12 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:23,683 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 13 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:29,289 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT: 14 00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:32,959 OH, JOE HE DID IT. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 15 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:37,130 JOY REID AND THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH 16 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:40,467 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 17 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:47,707 HUMAN. 18 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,942 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 19 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:56,449 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 20 00:01:56,516 --> 00:02:00,453 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 21 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:15,401 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN! 22 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:22,308 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN! 23 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:23,209 STEPHEN! STEPHEN! 24 00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:24,511 >> Stephen: PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 25 00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:32,185 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 26 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:33,353 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 27 00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:40,260 FOLKS YOU KNOW, WE WORK HARD. THIS IS OUR JOB. 28 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:43,329 THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE OUR JOB IS-- WE COME OUT HERE NIGHT 29 00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:47,300 AFTER NIGHT AND DO OUR BEST TO CUT THROUGH ALL THE NOISE, ALL 30 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:56,476 THE LIES AND CALL A THING WHAT IT IS-- NO FOCUS GROUP, NO 31 00:02:56,543 --> 00:03:00,346 MESSAGING. WE THINK IT COMES OUT THE TALK 32 00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,882 HOLE. AND THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I 33 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,819 ADMIRE MOST ABOUT JOE BIDEN. HE'S A STRAIGHT SHOOTER. 34 00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:08,454 AFTER A YEAR OF HOLDING HIS TONGUE IN THE FACE OF CONSTANT 35 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,723 CRITICISM, LAST NIGHT, HE EXPRESSED HIS TRUE FEELINGS 36 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,458 ABOUT FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT AND WINNER OF THE 37 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:21,701 "BLANDEST BLONDE" MAN AND "BLONDEST BLAND MAN" AWARDS 38 00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,470 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BIDEN WAS MEETING WITH MEMBERS 39 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,906 OF HIS ADMINISTRATION TO DISCUSS THE ONGOING PROBLEM OF 40 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:30,877 INFLATION, WHEN DOOCY TRIED T Zs IN WHAT I SUPPOSE COULD BE 41 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:40,219 DESCRIBED AS A QUESTION. 42 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:46,492 ( LAUGHTER ) 43 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:53,566 >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. (AS BIDEN): 44 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:54,701 "THAT'S RIGHT. OLD JOE IS BACK. 45 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,469 I'VE REACHED PEAK, OLD MAN, GIVIN' ZERO MALARKEYS. 46 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,404 PETER DOOCY IS A STUPID SON OF A BITCH. 47 00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:01,374 COUSIN ALICE'S CASSEROLE TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE-- WET. 48 00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:06,179 YOUR BABY'S GOT A POINTY HEAD. WEIRD LITTLE GREMLIN." 49 00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:10,283 ( LAUGHTER ) ME. 50 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,285 THE MEDIA HAS DESCRIBED THIS MOMENT AS A HOT MIC. 51 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,887 NOT SURE WHY IT'S A "HOT MIC" WHEN HE'S AT A PRESS CONFERENCE 52 00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:19,726 IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF REPORTERS TALKING INTO THE SAME MICROPHONE 53 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:26,866 HE'S BEEN USING THE ENTIRE TIME. THAT'S LIKE A CELEBRITY WALKING 54 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,434 THE RED CARPET, POPPIN' OPEN THEIR SHIRT AND GOING, "OOPS, 55 00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:30,536 NIP SLIP." LATER THAT NIGHT, BIDEN DID 56 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,472 SOMETHING I FORGOT PRESIDENTS COULD DO-- HE APOLOGIZED. 57 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:36,075 BECAUSE HE'S A GENTLEMEN. AS YOUNG MASTER DOOCY EXPLAINED: 58 00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:41,447 ( APPLAUSE ) EXCHANGE, HE CALLED MY CELL 59 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:44,450 PHONE, AND HE SAID, "IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, PAL." 60 00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:45,518 >> Stephen (AS DOOCY): "AND THEN HE TOLD ME, 'I GOTTA 61 00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:52,458 GO.' AND I SAID, 'OKAY.' 62 00:04:52,525 --> 00:04:53,626 AND THEN HE SAID, 'JEEZ WHAT A JACKASS.' 63 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,061 AND I SAID, 'I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.' 64 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,530 AND HE GOES, 'IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, PAL.'" 65 00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:03,970 NOW, IT IS NEVER-- FOR THE RECORD, LET ME PUT IT OUT 66 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,238 THERE-- IT'S NEVER APPROPRIATE FOR THE 67 00:05:05,304 --> 00:05:06,973 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO HAVE A POTTY MOUTH. 68 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,008 BUT IT'S ESPECIALLY EGREGIOUS TO CALL PETER DOOCY A SON OF A 69 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:11,277 BITCH. WE DID SOME FACT-CHECKING, AND 70 00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:12,979 HE'S ACTUALLY THE SON OF "FOX & FRIENDS" HOST, STEVE DOOCY. 71 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,348 SO, IF ANYTHING, HE'S A SON OF A DEUCE. 72 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:20,787 ( LAUGHTER ) A REAL DEUCE BAG, IF YOU WILL. 73 00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:24,457 IT'S TRUE. WE FACT CHECKED THAT, CHRIS! 74 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:28,461 ON THE OTHER HAND, HE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR STUPID IN THE PAST. 75 00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:32,465 >> HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT FRAYED TO THE 76 00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:34,967 POINT THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUPPORT ANYTHING THAT HE COMES 77 00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,436 TO YOU AND ASKS? >> WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING 78 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,905 THAT STUPID? WHY WOULD YOU ASK SOMETHING THAT 79 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,307 DUMB? ( APPLAUSE ) 80 00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:53,686 >> Stephen: McCAIN AND BIDEN AREN'T THE ONLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE 81 00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:57,523 TO LOSE IT OVER A STUPID PETER DOOCY QUESTION. 82 00:05:57,590 --> 00:06:01,761 IT'S BEEN HAPPENING FOR DECADES. >> ARE YOU A CROOK? 83 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:04,464 AND DO YOU THINK THAT WILL HURT YOU IN THE MIDTERMS? 84 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:07,333 >> WELL, I AM NOT A CROOK, BUT YOU SURE ARE A DICK. 85 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,570 >> Stephen: THIS AFTERNOON, AFTER A VISIT TO A SMALL 86 00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:12,305 BUSINESS IN D.C., PRESIDENT BIDEN STOPPED IN TO A LOCAL ICE 87 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:16,909 CREAM PARLOR TO GET HIMSELF A LITTLE TREAT. 88 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:20,246 WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAM, YOU'RE WONDERING? 89 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:23,549 INTREPID REPORTERS REPORTED INTREPIDLY THAT IT WAS 90 00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:26,919 TWO SCOOPS-- LIGHT COLORED FLAVOR ON BOTTOM, DARKER ICE 91 00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:29,021 CREAM ON THE TOP. OR AS MITCH McCONNELL WOULD 92 00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:32,658 DESCRIBE IT, DARK ICE CREAM AND ICE CREAM. 93 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,862 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 94 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:40,666 >> Jon: I GET IT, I UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE. 95 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,804 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. SO OLD MAN ENJOYS FROSTY TREAT, 96 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,939 END OF STORY, RIGHT? WRONG. 97 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,610 IMMEDIATELY, THE RIGHT WING GOT THEIR FUDGES IN A RIPPLE ABOUT 98 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,245 THIS, LIKE FAR-RIGHT AGITATOR BRIGITTE GABRIEL, WHO TWEETED, 99 00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:55,281 "THE ENTIRE WORLD IS CRUMBLING, THE ECONOMY IS CRASHING, AND 100 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,551 WHAT IS JOE BIDEN DOING? GETTING ICE CREAM." 101 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:00,953 YES, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE ICE CREAM WHEN YOU'RE 102 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,389 THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. IF THAT MAN GETS A BRAIN FREEZE, 103 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:06,893 TECHNICALLY, KAMALA HARRIS IS PRESIDENT UNTIL IT PASSES. 104 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:15,701 ( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN-- BIDEN-- KAMALA HARRIS 105 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:16,869 FANS. KAMALA HARRIS FANS. 106 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,506 THAT'S WHAT THAT IS. BIDEN HAS BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN A 107 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:23,142 HOT MIC AND A COLD TREAT. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT 108 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,744 THE SITUATION IN UKRAINE, OR AS VLADIMIR PUTIN CALLS IT, 109 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:29,849 "MY-KRAINE." ( LAUGHTER ) 110 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:34,020 OVER THERE, BUT ONE GUY WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO CONCERNED IS 111 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:37,123 UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO ASKED HIS BARBER FOR THE 112 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:44,230 BUSINESS DRACULA, VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. 113 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,832 LAST WEEK, ZELENSKY HAD THIS FOR THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE: 114 00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:48,100 >> WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? ONLY ONE THING. 115 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,903 DON'T PANIC. KEEP A COOL HEAD. 116 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,471 BE CONFIDENT. BE CONFIDENT IN OUR ARMY AND OUR 117 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:56,442 UKRAINE. >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A GREAT 118 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:59,579 MESSAGE, BUT WHY IS HE SAYING IT SO FAR TO ONE SIDE? 119 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:04,450 "DON'T PANIC. YOU MUST TRUST ARMY. 120 00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:05,585 THERE IS NO REASON TO HAVE YOUR BAGS PACKED AND YOUR CAR 121 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:08,454 RUNNING. DING-DONG. 122 00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:12,291 OH, THAT'S THE DOORBELL. I WILL BE BACK." 123 00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:24,470 ( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 124 00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:27,240 FOR THEIR PART, RUSSIA IS POINTING THE FINGER AT US FOR 125 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:30,042 THEIR LOOMING INVASION. AFTER MOVING IN MORE THAN 126 00:08:30,109 --> 00:08:32,144 100,000 TROOPS, RUSSIAN OFFICIALS BLAME WESTERN 127 00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:35,114 AGGRESSION FOR THE CRISIS. THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BACKWARDS. 128 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,516 BUT AS DOSTOEVSKY WROTE, "HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT. 129 00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:40,353 HE WHO EXPLAINED IT, UKRAINED IT." 130 00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:47,994 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME PEOPLE-- DOSTOEVSKY FANS. 131 00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,962 UNBELIEVABLE. SOME PEOPLE AGREE WITH RUSSIA, 132 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,397 LIKE DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND MAN ABOUT 133 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:56,469 TO SHOW YOU HIS BOX OF BABY TEETH, MICHAEL FLYNN. 134 00:08:56,535 --> 00:09:00,473 IN A NEW OP-ED FOR A RIGHT -WING WEBSITE, FLYNN CLAIMS THE BIDEN 135 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,942 ADMINISTRATION HAS SOLD AN ILLUSION THAT THE POTENTIAL 136 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:07,480 RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE IS NOT JUSTIFIED, REASONING THAT AN 137 00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:11,083 INCREASED NATO PRESENCE IN EASTERN EUROPE WILL CAUSE AN 138 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,318 EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO RUSSIA. THAT'S VLADIMIR PUTIN'S EXACT 139 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:17,123 ARGUMENT. FLYNN WENT ON TO WRITE, "THOSE 140 00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:18,925 WHO SAY A MAN CAN'T RIDE A POLAR BEAR SHIRTLESS DESERVE POISON 141 00:09:18,991 --> 00:09:20,693 UNDERPANTS. NIPPLES WERE MEANT TO BREATHE. 142 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,463 IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH, VLAD? PLEASE DON'T RELEASE THE 143 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,934 PICTURES." FLYNN'S-- 144 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,870 ( APPLAUSE ) MEANS. 145 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,307 WHAT PICTURES? WHAT PICTURES, JON? 146 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:37,576 >> Jon: HAVEN'T SEEN THE PICTURES. 147 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:40,212 >> Stephen: SHERBET. FLYNN'S NOT THE ONLY RIGHT -WING 148 00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:44,350 APOLOGIST FOR THE MURDEROUS DICTATOR. 149 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:48,187 THERE'S ALSO FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE 150 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:54,060 ( BOOING ) SEEN HERE AS THE GREEN M&M MELTS 151 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,828 IN HIS MOUTH, AND IN HIS HAND. ON LAST NIGHT'S SHOW, OLD 152 00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:56,996 TUCKERNUTS DEFENDED PEOPLE LIKE FLYNN WHO WERE ROOTING FOR 153 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,433 RUSSIA TO INVADE UKRAINE FOR THE THIRD TIME. 154 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:02,935 >> WAIT A SECOND. WHY IS IT DISLOYAL TO SIDE WITH 155 00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:05,538 RUSSIA BUT LOYAL TO SIDE WITH UKRAINE? 156 00:10:05,604 --> 00:10:07,974 THEY'RE BOTH FOREIGN COUNTRIES THAT DON'T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT 157 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:12,111 THE UNITED STATES. KIND OF STRANGE. 158 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:15,915 >> Stephen: NO, YOU'RE KIND OF STRANGE. 159 00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:20,019 ( LAUGHTER ) CAN YOU-- WHAT DO YOU EVEN SAY 160 00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:26,325 TO SOMEONE WHO MAKES AN ARGUMENT THAT DUMB? 161 00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:29,962 >> SHUT UP, PUTIN STOOGE. ( APPLAUSE ) 162 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,498 THERE YOU GO. MAYBE HE'S BEING INFLUENCED BY 163 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:36,469 HIS NEW SPONSOR: COMRADE PILLOW: SLEEP SO GOOD, 164 00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:43,376 IT MAKE GIRLS GO WOW, WOW, WOW. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 165 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,744 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JOY REID AND 166 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:48,447 THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 167 00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:50,349 "MEANWHILE." ♪ ♪ ♪ 168 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:43,736 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 169 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:54,113 >> Jon: YEAH! ( APPLAUSE ) 170 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,115 LA-LA-LA. >> Stephen: HEY, JON, HOW ARE 171 00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:58,417 YOU? NJTSZ I'M GREAT. 172 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,152 I'M GREAT. I'M FEELING GOOD. 173 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:01,954 HOW ARE YOU YOU. >> Stephen: HAVE A LITTLE 174 00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:05,825 DOLLOP OF STRENGTH TIME. >> Jon: YES, IT'S KIND OF LIKE 175 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:07,526 ICE CREAM. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 176 00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:12,064 >> Stephen: SURE, A LITTLE EARLY BLOOMING CROCUS OVER 177 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,433 THERE. AND THE SOCKS. 178 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,403 YOU'RE NOT HIDING THEM UNDER A BUSHEL. 179 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,739 >> SKY BLUE, BABY. THE COLORS I LIKE AND THE WORLD 180 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:24,276 I LOVE TO BE IN. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. 181 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:26,879 >> Jon: YES! >> Stephen: JOY REID IS GOING 182 00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:35,020 TO BE ON HERE TONIGHT, JOY REID. THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH, FROM "B 183 00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,690 POSITIVE." DOES JOY REID HAVE A POS CAST? 184 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:40,926 I THINK SHE HAS A PODCAST. YOU KNOW WHO HAS A PODCAST? 185 00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:43,896 WE HAVE A PODCAST. SO IF YOU'RE AT HOME, IF YOU'RE 186 00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,999 WATCHING THIS, AND YOU WENT, "BOY, I REALLY ENJOYED WATCHING 187 00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:48,334 THIS. I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE 188 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,271 IF I COULDN'T SEE STEPHEN." I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD DO 189 00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,874 THAT. I DON'T KNOW YOU WOULD WANT TO, 190 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:59,378 YOU KNOW, MISS THE MONEY MAKER, BUT... 191 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,414 ( APPLAUSE ) TREADMILL-- IF YOU'RE ON A 192 00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:07,453 TREADMILL RIGHT NOW LISTENING TO THIS PODCAST, YOU CAN DO IT. 193 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,522 DIG DOWN UPON. KEEP GOING. 194 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,324 NO PAIN, NO AGAIN. YOU HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT, 195 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:14,927 PLAY TO WIN. GO, GO, GO, GO! 196 00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:19,198 HIGH, TIGHT, BUTT. HIGH, TIGHT, BUTT." 197 00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:23,636 PUT THAT ON A LOBBY. PUT THAT ON A LOOP. 198 00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:34,413 OF FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, I SEND A 199 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,382 LOT OF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY WELDING TOGETHER THE 200 00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:38,417 DAY'S TOP STORIES, FORGED FROM THE FINEST NEWS METALS, WIRING 201 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:43,489 IN THE MOST EFFICIENT, HIGH- SPEED ENGINE. 202 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,757 THEN I COMBINE THE MOST TOPICAL TITANIUM ACCENTS WITH ITALIAN 203 00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:46,292 CURRENT-EVENTS CRAFTSMANSHIP TO CREATE THE BESPOKE TRIUMPH 204 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,327 MOTORCYCLE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, 205 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,462 AFTER STANDING TOO LONG OVER AN EPHEDRINE BARREL FIRE, I STUMBLE 206 00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,431 INTO A DEFUNCT BODY SHOP, SLAP A HALF-EMPTY CANISTER OF PROPANE 207 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,433 ONTO A STOLEN HUFFY, WRAP IT IN NEWSPAPER AND BITS OF CAUTION 208 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,002 TAPE THAT I SWIPED FROM A STILL-ACTIVE CRIME SCENE, AND 209 00:13:57,069 --> 00:14:01,607 HOOK IT UP TO AN OLD MILK JUG FULL OF NITROUS I STOLE FROM A 210 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,908 BLACK MARKET ORTHODONTIST, IN ORDER TO MAKE THE FLAMING DEATH 211 00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,744 ROCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 212 00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:11,517 "MEANWHILE!" ( APPLAUSE ) 213 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:22,428 YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU NEVER EVEN RACED FOR PAPERS. 214 00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:26,432 MEANWHILE, IN ONLINE SHOPPING NEWS, A NEW JERSEY TODDLER 215 00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:30,436 ORDERED NEARLY $2,000 WORTH OF FURNITURE ON WALMART'S WEBSITE. 216 00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:34,406 KIDS TODAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 217 00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:38,410 HITCHHIKE TO RAYMOUR AND FLANNIGAN, STAND ON EACH OTHERS' 218 00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:42,848 SHOULDERS INSIDE A TRENCH COAT, AND SIGN UP FOR THE LAYAWAY PLAN 219 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,516 FOR THAT OTTOMAN YOU HAD YOUR EYE ON. 220 00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,418 ACCORDING TO HIS MOTHER, SHE HAD CREATED A CART ON HER PHONE 221 00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:49,588 BUT NEVER CHECKED IT OUT, AND HER SON WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT 222 00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:53,492 THE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS THAT HIS MOTHER HAD BEEN LOOKING AT. 223 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:58,430 OH, REALLY? IS THAT THE MOM'S STORY? 224 00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:00,266 (AS MOM) "OH, LOOK, SWEETIE. 225 00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,268 LITTLE BILLY ORDERED ME FOUR NIGHTS AT AN ALL-INCLUSIVE SPA. 226 00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,336 I HOPE HE DOESN'T ACCIDENTALLY EMAIL YOUR PARENTS THAT THEY 227 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,940 SHOULDN'T COME FOR CHRISTMAS. BAD BOY." 228 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:16,749 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, MILLER LITE IS 229 00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:18,651 OPENING A BAR IN THE METAVERSE FOR THE SUPER BOWL. 230 00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:21,453 WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN, "MILLER LITE: NOW THERE'S A 231 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,425 REASON IT TASTES LIKE NOTHING." ( LAUGHTER ) 232 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:31,730 NOT A SPONSOR? NOT A SPONSOR? 233 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:36,101 I DON'T KNOW. AND, IT'S NOT ONLY CONFUSING. 234 00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:38,804 IT'S ALSO EXCLUSIVE, BECAUSE THE METAVERSE BAR WILL BE THE SOLE 235 00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:42,441 PLACE WHERE FANS CAN WATCH MILLER LITE'S BIG GAME AD. 236 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:46,445 PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, "MAN, I LOVE COMMERCIALS, BUT I 237 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:50,149 WISH I HAD TO WORK HARDER TO ACCESS THEM WHILE MY AVATAR 238 00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:52,618 DRINKS THIS IMAGINARY CAN OF CARBONATED DISAPPOINTMENT." 239 00:15:52,685 --> 00:16:01,026 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE 240 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,928 GLOBAL WASTE SHIPPING AND CRYPTO-MEDICAL SUPPLY" SOMETIMES 241 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:06,832 COME ACROSS SO MANY STORIES ABOUT FEMALE MONARCHS THAT THEY 242 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:10,436 CANNOT BE PROPERLY ADDRESSED IN OUR NORMAL, LOWLY "MEANWHILE" 243 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:14,873 AND MUST BE ESCALATED TO OUR MORE REGAL "MEANWHILE" 244 00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:18,977 SUB-SEGMENT, "QUEENWHILE." ( ♪ ROYAL TRUMPET FANFARE ♪ ) 245 00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:26,418 QUEENWHILE, QUEEN ELIZABETH IS RELEASING HER OWN ROYAL 246 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,955 CONDIMENTS. MAKES SENSE-- THE ROYAL FAMILY 247 00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:30,823 ENJOYS COVERING THINGS UP. ( LAUGHTER ) 248 00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:42,434 THE QUEEN'S-- >> Jon: OH! 249 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,236 >> Stephen: THE QUEEN'S NEW CONDIMENTS INCLUDE TOMATO SAUCE, 250 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,804 THE VAGUE TERM BRITS USE FOR KETCHUP. 251 00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:50,409 APPROPRIATE, SINCE EVERYTHING THEY EAT IN ENGLAND IS VAGUELY 252 00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:53,312 FOOD. ALSO, IF THEY CALL CATCH UP 253 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:58,417 TOMATO SAUCE, WHAT DO THEY CALL TOMATO SAUCE? 254 00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,019 ( AS QUEEN ) JUICE. 255 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,655 I'D LIKE SOME MORE ON MY WET DOUGH STRINGS." 256 00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:06,425 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S MY-- ME, NO. 257 00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:09,328 LET'S JUST SHARE THE SILENCE. LET'S-- LET'S JUST SHARE THE 258 00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:14,400 SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. THERE YOU GO. 259 00:17:14,466 --> 00:17:18,470 ( LAUGHTER ) KINGDOM, JAPAN'S MONKEY QUEEN 260 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:25,344 FACES A CHALLENGE TO HER REIGN. HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: THIS 261 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,680 NINE-YEAR-OLD MACAQUE, NAMED YAKEI, RESIDES AT THE 262 00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:30,783 TAKASAKIYAMA NATURAL ZOOLOGICAL GARDEN WHERE SHE VIOLENTLY 263 00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:35,053 OVERTHREW THE ALPHA MALE OF HER TROOP TO BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE 264 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,424 LEADER IN THE RESERVE'S 70 -YEAR HISTORY. 265 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:44,863 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY HURLING HER POOP AT IT. 266 00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,432 BUT THINGS COULD BE ABOUT TO CHANGE FOR YAKEI, BECAUSE 267 00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:53,572 DURING PREVIOUS BREEDING SEASONS, YAKEI PAIRED WITH GORO. 268 00:17:53,639 --> 00:18:00,012 ANOTHER MALE NAMED LUFFY HAS TRIED TO WOO YAKEI. 269 00:18:00,078 --> 00:18:01,547 SO YAKEI COULD FEASIBLY FORM PAIR BONDS WITH BOTH GORO AND 270 00:18:01,613 --> 00:18:02,948 LUFFY OVER THE COURSE OF THIS BREEDING SEASON. 271 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:06,819 AND NOW EXPERTS WONDER IF SHE MAY BE VULNERABLE TO A USURPER. 272 00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,621 HEY, IT'S 2022. HOW IS THIS A PROBLEM? 273 00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:17,062 SHE'S HOT, AND SHE CAN FORM AS MANY PAIR BONDS AS SHE WANTS. 274 00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:18,397 IF ANYTHING, THIS MAKES HER MORE POWERFUL. 275 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,933 IT'S LIKE THESE RESEARCHERS HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN, "THE 276 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:26,438 MACAQUELORETTE." ( APPLAUSE ) 277 00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:33,345 "BABE, BABE, WHAT'S UP? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PICKED BUGS 278 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:34,513 OFF GORO IN THE BANANA SUITE. HE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT 279 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:39,284 REASONS." MEANWHILE, LAY'S CHIPS ARE MADE 280 00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:41,386 FROM POTATOES GROWN IN SOIL FROM N.F.L. STADIUMS. 281 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:45,057 SO GET EXCITED FOR THEIR NEW FLAVOR, SOUR CREAM AND 282 00:18:45,123 --> 00:18:48,727 LINEBACKER TEETH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 283 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:49,962 JOY REID. ♪ ♪ ♪ 284 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:17,022 ( APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY. 285 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:20,259 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A POLITICAL ANALYST FOR 286 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:26,265 MSNBC AND HOST OF "THE REIDOUT." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 287 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,233 SHOW," JOY REID. ♪ ♪ ♪ 288 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:43,181 ( APPLAUSE ) >> A LOT OF PEOPLE. 289 00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:48,253 ( APPLAUSE ) >> A LOT OF PEOPLE. 290 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,989 >> Stephen: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE, YES. 291 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,891 THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. >> ALWAYS GREAT TO BE HERE. 292 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,326 >> Stephen: THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. 293 00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:56,695 >> YES. >> Stephen: AND COME ON, REAL 294 00:19:56,762 --> 00:20:00,232 NEWS PERSON. WE MAKE OUR JOKES, HA-HA, BUT 295 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:04,469 SOME SERIOUS STUFF IS GOING ON. YESTERDAY, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE 296 00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,638 LLOYD AUSTIN PUT TROOPS ON HEIGHTENED ALERT. 297 00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:10,676 FROM WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED, WHAT DOES "HEIGHTENED ALERT" MEAN? 298 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:12,778 HAVE THEY MOVED FROM DECAF TO REGULAR? 299 00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:15,614 WHAT DOES THAT ACTUALLY MEAN? >> I'M SURE THEY ARE DEFINITELY 300 00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:17,716 MOVING TO REGULAR BECAUSE IT'S STRESSFUL. 301 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,818 WE WERE LOOKING THIS UP ON THE SHOW. 302 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,821 THE LAST TIME WE HAVE BEEN ON THIS MUCH OF AN ALERT FOR U.S. 303 00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:27,192 TROOPS TO TAKE ACTION IN THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT WAS KOSOVO. 304 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,062 IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. IT IS A SERIOUS SITUATION. 305 00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:35,767 >> Stephen: THE USS "HARRY TRUMAN" IS FLYING WITH A NATO 306 00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,469 FLEET, AND THAT HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THE COLD WAR. 307 00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:43,141 >> IT IS FRIGHTENING. WHAT'S INTERESTING-- ONE OF OUR 308 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:46,678 GREAT INTERNATIONAL REPORTERS, MATT BRADLEY, IS IN KYIV, AND IN 309 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,213 THAT CITY THEY ARE NOT PANICKING. 310 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,617 THE PANIC IS ALL EXTERNAL. AT LEAST THE VIBE INSIDE UKRAINE 311 00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:55,821 RIGHT NOW IS, LOOK, WE'RE CONSTANTLY UNDER THIS THREAT. 312 00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:57,155 RUSSIA IS CONSTANTLY THREATENING US. 313 00:20:57,222 --> 00:21:00,258 WE ARE GOING TO LIVE OUR LIVES. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I GET 314 00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:02,227 FROM IT. NOT THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG 315 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:04,696 BUT, "AT THIS POINT, WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT." 316 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:09,935 >> THEY'RE TREATING IT A LIKE AMERICANS ARE TREATING COVID. 317 00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:14,106 >> THIS IS NOT-- IF VLADIMIR PUTIN GOES IN-- IS IT TRUE THAT 318 00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:18,143 IT HAS TO HAPPEN FAIRLY SOON IF HE DOES BECAUSE SOMETHING ABOUT 319 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:22,514 THE TERRAIN IN EASTERN UKRAINE? >> THERE ARE ISSUES WITH THE 320 00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:25,851 TERRAIN, AND HONESTLY, THIS IS A COUNTRY NOT EXACTLY DOING WELL 321 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:26,985 ECONOMICALLY. RUSSIA DOESN'T HAVE A LOT GOING 322 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:30,188 FOR IT. THE SANCTIONS COULD HURT THEM. 323 00:21:30,255 --> 00:21:32,924 VLADIMIR PUTIN HIMSELF IS QUITE RICH, ALLEGEDLY, AND MADE 324 00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:34,993 BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, BUT HIS COUNTRY IS RELATIVELY POOR. 325 00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:40,032 IT'S A DECLINING OIL OLIGARCHY. IT'S NOT AS IF THIS IS A SMART 326 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:41,867 MOVE FOR HIM. IT'S NOT A WISE MOVE. 327 00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:45,604 IF HE DID IT, HE'D HAVE TO DO IT QUICKLY, AND THE RAMIFICATIONS 328 00:21:45,671 --> 00:21:47,806 WOLD BE BRUTE OF BRUTAL FOR HIM. 329 00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:50,809 IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HE'S NOT ALL-- HE'S NOT ALL RIGHT. 330 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,278 >> Stephen: WHAT DOES THE SMART MONEY SAY ABOUT THE 331 00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:54,980 POSSIBLE DUMB DECISION OF DOING THIS? 332 00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:56,348 WHAT IS THE MOTIVATION? IS THERE A SENSE OF WHAT THAT 333 00:21:56,415 --> 00:21:57,716 IS? >> IT'S KIND OF DIFFICULT TO 334 00:21:57,783 --> 00:22:00,018 SAY. IF YOU KIND OF LOOK AT PUTIN AS 335 00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:03,488 A PERSONALITY, HE'S SOMEONE WHO, AT LEAST THE ANALYSTS THAT WE 336 00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:06,792 PUT ON, THAT WE TALK TO, THEY TALK ABOUT THIS COMPLEX THAT HE 337 00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:09,461 HAS. HE CAN'T GET OVER THE FALL OF 338 00:22:09,528 --> 00:22:13,331 THE U.S.S.R. HE LONGZ FOR THE-- HE'S AN OLD 339 00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:17,736 K.G.B. GUY, AND HIS EGO, HIS SENSE OF SELF CAN'T GET PAST THE 340 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:20,906 FACT THAT IN HIS MIND HE SHOULD BE A GREAT POWER, EQUAL TO THE 341 00:22:20,972 --> 00:22:23,308 UNITED STATES. AND HE WANTS RESPECT. 342 00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:27,779 IT'S VERY SIMILAR TO JI-YOON KIM. 343 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:31,183 HE NEEDS TO FEEL IMPORTANT. HE MAKES THESE MOVES BECAUSE HE 344 00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:35,220 IS AFRAID THESE COUNTRIES LIKE UKRAINE THAT USED TO BE ALIGNED 345 00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:38,690 WITH THE OLD SOVIET EMPIRE WANT TO BE WITH THE WEST. 346 00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:42,127 THEY DON'T WANT TO BE ON HIS TEAM, AND THEY CAN'T TAKE IT. 347 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:45,764 >> Stephen: I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THE TRUISM THAT EVERY 348 00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:48,266 SOVIET LEADER WOULD TRY TO TEST A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED 349 00:22:48,333 --> 00:22:52,237 STATES, TO BASICALLY DOON ACID TEST TO SEE WHAT THE REACTION 350 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:56,575 WOULD BE FROM SOVIET AGGRESSION? COULD THAT BE PART OF IT? 351 00:22:56,641 --> 00:23:00,245 WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH IT GOING OUT INTO THE FUTURE? 352 00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:06,485 I NEED TO KNOW NOW. >> I THINK IT'S ESPECIALLY TRUE 353 00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:10,589 SINCE THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT WHO WAS SUCH A TOADY TO PUTIN AND 354 00:23:10,655 --> 00:23:11,823 SUCKED UP TO HIM ( APPLAUSE ). 355 00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:17,028 MY NEXT QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE REPUBLICANS OUT 356 00:23:17,095 --> 00:23:20,799 THERE WHO-- THERE MAY BE OTHERS, BUT IT SEEMS TO COME FROM THE 357 00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:23,301 RIGHT-- SAYING WE SHOULD BE SUPPORTING RUSSIA, THAT THEY'VE 358 00:23:23,368 --> 00:23:27,305 GOT A REASON TO DO THIS. WHY ARE WE TREATING THAT AS A 359 00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:33,078 BAD THING IF RUSSIA GOES IN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THAT 360 00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:35,480 COMES FROM? IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY BIG 361 00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:36,748 FLIP-- >> IT IS. 362 00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:39,684 >> Stephen: FOR PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT COMMUNISM TAKING OVER THE 363 00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:40,819 UNITED STATES. >> IT'S INTERESTING, THERE ARE A 364 00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,588 LOT OF WAYS IN WHICH I THINK DONALD TRUMP EXPOSED THINGS 365 00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:45,991 ABOUT THE UNITED STATES THAT MAYBE WE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW 366 00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:48,827 ABOUT OURSELVES. BUT THIS IS THE ONE FUNDAMENTAL 367 00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:52,230 WAY THAT HE CHANGED IT. I MEAN, THE IDEA THAT YOU HAVE 368 00:23:52,297 --> 00:23:57,569 PEOPLE LIKE TUCKER. LITERAL HE HE APPEARS ON RUSSIAN 369 00:23:57,636 --> 00:24:01,139 STATE TV MORE THAN MOST RUSSIAN ANCHORS DO. 370 00:24:01,206 --> 00:24:02,874 THEY'RE PLAYING HIS CLIPS BACK BECAUSE HE'S ON THEIR SIDE. 371 00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:06,678 THE FACT THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS LED A POLITICAL PARTY THAT HAD 372 00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:10,715 RONALD REAGAN AS THEIR PREVIOUS SORT OF PATRON SAINT INTO THE 373 00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:15,220 ARMS OF RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA, INTO THE ARMS OF RUSSIA'S VIEW OF THE 374 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,988 WORLD, THAT HE FLIPPED THAT PARTY. 375 00:24:17,055 --> 00:24:20,091 THERE ARE RUSSIAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WHO ARE GETTING FRANTIC 376 00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,761 ANGRY PHONE CALLS IN THEIR OFFICES, DEMANDING THAT THEY 377 00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:25,664 SIDE WITH RUSSIA. SAYING RUSSIA HAS GOT REASONABLE 378 00:24:25,730 --> 00:24:28,466 DEMANDS AND WE SHOULD GIVE INTO THEM. 379 00:24:28,533 --> 00:24:34,773 THAT IS ONE WAY IN WHICH DONALD TRUMP HAS AFFECTED THAT ENTIRE 380 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,641 PARTY. THEY LITERALLY WANT US TO SIDE 381 00:24:36,708 --> 00:24:39,477 WITH RUSSIA AGAINST WESTERN INTERESTS. 382 00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:43,315 AND ALSO I THINK THE GOOD NEWS OF IT IS WHAT THIS SHOWS IS IN 383 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:46,384 ONE WAY WHEN PRESIDENT BIDEN SAYS "AMERICA'S BACK," HE'S 384 00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:49,721 RIGHT IN THE SENSE IT'S CLEAR TO RUSSIA THAT NATO IS BACK, THAT 385 00:24:49,788 --> 00:24:51,890 WE'RE BACK IN LINE WITH OUR TRADITIONAL ALLIES. 386 00:24:51,957 --> 00:24:55,460 >> Stephen: THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SORT OF FORGET 387 00:24:55,527 --> 00:24:56,728 BECAUSE-- ( APPLAUSE ). 388 00:24:56,795 --> 00:24:59,998 KEEP FOREIGN POLICY ON THEIR MINDS THAT MUCH, IS THAT THERE 389 00:25:00,065 --> 00:25:04,302 WAS A REAL DEGRADATION OF OUR NATO ALLIANCE UNDER THE PREVIOUS 390 00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:07,305 PRESIDENT AND JOE BIDEN HAS SPENT A YEAR GETTING THAT BACK. 391 00:25:07,372 --> 00:25:09,608 >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: A POTENTIAL WAR 392 00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:16,815 WITH RUSSIA IS TOUGH ENOUGH FOR YOUR TYPICAL MONDAY, BUT 393 00:25:16,882 --> 00:25:21,453 YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN APOLOGIZED TO PETER DOOCY, FOR 394 00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:25,957 CALLING HIM, ON A HOT MITE, A SUPER-DELEGATE SON OF A BINCH. 395 00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:29,961 WHEN IS IT PROACH FOR A PRESIDENT TO CALL A REPORTER A 396 00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:35,600 SON OF A BITCH. >> LYNDON JOHNSON USED TO SAY, 397 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:38,904 COME IN HERE. I'M ON THE TOILET. 398 00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:43,008 I NEED YOU, TO COME IN HERE. THIS GUY WAS VULGAR. 399 00:25:43,074 --> 00:25:46,878 I'M SURE HE CALLED PEOPLE MUCH WORSE THAN A SON OF A BITCH. 400 00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:51,549 THE SNOWFLAKERY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO SAY, "LET'S GO BRANDON." 401 00:25:51,616 --> 00:25:57,756 BUT IT'S LIKE OH, MY GOD, YOU CAN'T CALL PETER DOOCY-- REALLY? 402 00:25:57,822 --> 00:26:00,458 GROW UP Y'ALL. THAT'S NOT THE WORST THING A 403 00:26:00,525 --> 00:26:03,161 PRESIDENT-- JOHN McCAIN HAS SAID WORSE. 404 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,363 GET OVER IT. THESE ARE ALL ADULTS. 405 00:26:05,430 --> 00:26:07,732 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 406 00:26:07,799 --> 00:26:10,268 BUT STICK AROUND, I WILL ASK JOY ABOUT THE PRESS' COVERAGE OF 407 00:26:10,335 --> 00:26:11,469 BIDEN. STICK AROUND. 408 00:26:16,808 --> 00:26:21,246 ( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK WITH MSNBC'S JOY REID. 409 00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:26,618 AT HIS MARATHON PRESS CONFERENCE RAFT WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID 410 00:26:26,685 --> 00:26:30,956 "MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA TALK ABOUT HOW NOTHING HAS HAPPENED IN HIS 411 00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:34,759 FIRST YEAR, AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, WE GOT AN AWFUL LOT 412 00:26:34,826 --> 00:26:37,362 DONE." IS THAT A FAIR COMPLAINT BY JOE 413 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:40,732 BIDEN, BECAUSE THERE IS A WHOLE LOT OF TALK IN THE MEDIA-- NO 414 00:26:40,799 --> 00:26:43,401 OFFENSE, ALSO MSNBC-- >> YEAH. 415 00:26:43,468 --> 00:26:46,638 >> Stephen: ...ABOUT THE AGENDA STALLING AND I'M SURE 416 00:26:46,705 --> 00:26:50,709 HE'D LIKE TO GET EVERYTHING DONE OR HIS BASE WOULD LIKE TO GET 417 00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:52,544 EVERYTHING DONE. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HIS FIRST 418 00:26:52,610 --> 00:26:54,512 YEAR AND IS HE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DESCRIPTION? 419 00:26:54,579 --> 00:26:59,918 >> I THINK ALL PRESIDENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PRESS. 420 00:26:59,985 --> 00:27:03,621 NOBODY LIKES THE PRESS WHEN YOU WORK IN POLITICS BECAUSE YOU 421 00:27:03,688 --> 00:27:04,889 WILL NEVER GET THE PRESS YOU WANT. 422 00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:08,226 IN ONE SENSE, I THINK BIDEN HAS A POINT. 423 00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:11,229 THE MEDIA DOES HAVE TWO BIASES-- CHANGE AND CONFLICT. 424 00:27:11,296 --> 00:27:14,866 IF WE SEE CHANGE, WE RUN TOWARD THAT, AND THAT'S INTERESTING. 425 00:27:14,933 --> 00:27:16,434 >> Stephen: CHANGE IS A NEW THING TO TALK ABOUT. 426 00:27:16,501 --> 00:27:18,636 >> CHANGE IS NEW. PRESIDENT OBAMA THAT WAS AN 427 00:27:18,703 --> 00:27:21,473 EXCITING SORT OF CHANGE IN AMERICA'S CULTURE AND POLITICS. 428 00:27:21,539 --> 00:27:25,643 YOU KNOW, THE MEDIA WILL GRAVITATE TOWARDS CHANGE AND 429 00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:28,513 CONFLICT. BUT THE MEDIA DOESN'T WANT TO BE 430 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:34,119 IN CONFLICT, NECESSARILY, WITH THE PRESIDENT BUT THE IDEA OF A 431 00:27:34,185 --> 00:27:36,755 SPORTS-LIKE CONFLICT IS WHERE THE MEDIA TENDS TO GO. 432 00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:39,057 THAT IS NOT HEALTHY WHEN WE'RE DEALING WITH THE DECLINE OF 433 00:27:39,124 --> 00:27:41,559 DEMOCRACY, WHICH IS NOT A SPORTING EVENT AND WE SHOULD 434 00:27:41,626 --> 00:27:44,362 PROBABLY TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY, AND ARE THERE ARE TWO SIDES, AND 435 00:27:44,429 --> 00:27:47,432 THERE ARE RIGHT SIDES BEING FOR OR AGAINST DEMOCRACY AND I THINK 436 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:49,968 THE MEDIA HAS FAILED THERE. BUT I THINK COMPLICATED THINGS 437 00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:53,772 LIKE INFLATION AND ECONOMICS, IT'S EASIER TO COVER IT LIKE A 438 00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:55,673 SPORTING EVENT-- REPUBLICANS SAY THIS, DEMOCRATS SAY THIS-- AND 439 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:58,043 SORT OF LAY THINGS AT THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT WHERE HE MIGHT 440 00:27:58,109 --> 00:27:59,878 NOT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 441 00:27:59,944 --> 00:28:01,946 I DOUBT ANY PRESIDENT CAN REVERSE INFLATION. 442 00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:05,717 IT'S JUST NOT A THING THEY DO. I THINK, YES, IN A SENSE THERE 443 00:28:05,784 --> 00:28:09,120 HAS BEEN-- POLICY IS BORING, SO THE MEDIA WON'T COVER THE SORT 444 00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:11,956 OF POLICIES THAT ARE WORKING THEIR WAY NORMALLY THROUGH 445 00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:13,858 CONGRESS AND HE SIGNS THEM. CONFLICT -- 446 00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:17,062 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE CRITICISM FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO 447 00:28:17,128 --> 00:28:24,102 GET JOE MANCHIN AND KIRSTIN SINEMA TO SUPPORT THE CHANGE TO 448 00:28:24,169 --> 00:28:26,171 THE FILIBUSTER. THERE IS A LOT DIRECTED AT THE 449 00:28:26,237 --> 00:28:30,141 ADMINISTRATION, AND, OBVIOUSLY, SOME TO THOSE TWO PEOPLE, TOO. 450 00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:31,476 BUT IS THERE ANYTHING HE COULD HAVE DONE? 451 00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:34,379 >> I THINK-- AND BIDEN IS GOING TO GET THAT, I THINK, DOUBLY, 452 00:28:34,446 --> 00:28:36,815 BECAUSE HE IS A MAN OF THE SENATE. 453 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:40,351 AND HE DID RUN PROCLAIMING THAT HE COULD CREATE THIS 454 00:28:40,418 --> 00:28:42,187 BIPARTISANSHIP, AND THAT HE COULD MAKE CERTAIN THINGS 455 00:28:42,253 --> 00:28:43,788 HAPPEN. HIS LONG TENURE IN THE SENATE 456 00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:45,557 IS, WHOING AGAINST HIM IN THAT SENSE. 457 00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:47,325 >> Stephen: EVERY PRESIDENT SAYS THAT. 458 00:28:47,392 --> 00:28:50,061 "OH, I CAN WORK-- I'LL GET IT DONE." 459 00:28:50,128 --> 00:28:52,664 >> HE MENTIONS THAT. IF I HAD TO GIVE ONE BIG 460 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:55,166 CRITICISM TO THE ADMINISTRATION, I THINK THEY MADE ONE BIG 461 00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:56,501 MISTAKE. WHEN YOU'RE NEGOTIATING, 462 00:28:56,568 --> 00:29:01,473 PARTICULARLY WITH DIFFICULT PARTIES, LIKE JOE MANCHIN AND 463 00:29:01,539 --> 00:29:04,309 EVERYBODY-- HE KNOWS JOE MANCHIN IS DIFFICULT, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN 464 00:29:04,375 --> 00:29:07,812 THAT WAY-- YOU DON'T NEGOTIATE BY SAYING LET ME GIVE YOU 465 00:29:07,879 --> 00:29:10,748 EVERYTHING YOU WANT, AND NOW CAN I GET SOMETHING. 466 00:29:10,815 --> 00:29:15,653 THE ONE THING HE WANTED WAS THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL AND YOU GAVE 467 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,991 IT TO HIM. HE'S ALREADY FIGURING OUT WHAT 468 00:29:20,058 --> 00:29:24,262 TO DO WITH THAT MONEY IN VIRGINIA, AND THERE IS NOTHING 469 00:29:24,329 --> 00:29:27,999 LEFT TO GIVE HIM. HE DOES NOT WANT "BUILD BACK 470 00:29:28,066 --> 00:29:30,835 BETTER," THAT IS CLEAR. HE DOESN'T CARE ANY THE CHILD 471 00:29:30,902 --> 00:29:33,371 TAX CREDIT. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING 472 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:37,075 THAT WILL HELP THE POOR. HE'S ON HIS YACHT AND MASERATI. 473 00:29:37,142 --> 00:29:38,676 AND THAT WAS AN ADMINISTRATION MISTAKE. 474 00:29:38,743 --> 00:29:41,279 THE IDEA OF NEGOTIATING WITH HIM BY GIVING HIM EVERYTHING HE 475 00:29:41,346 --> 00:29:43,414 WANTS AND THEN BEGGING HIM TO HELP YOU WITH THE THINGS HE 476 00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:46,718 DOESN'T CARE ABOUT. I THINK THAT WAS A STRATEGIC 477 00:29:46,784 --> 00:29:47,785 MISTAKE. >> Stephen: NOW, YOU HAVE 478 00:29:47,852 --> 00:29:51,823 SAID-- ( APPLAUSE ) 479 00:29:51,890 --> 00:29:57,462 INTO THE THIRD YEAR OF YOUR SHOW, AND YOU'VE OFTEN SAID, 480 00:29:57,529 --> 00:30:03,401 "SCARING IS CARING." WHAT IS THE LINE BETWEEN SCARING 481 00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:08,039 AND... PROVIDING ANXIETY TO AN AUDIENCE UNNECESSARILY FOR THE 482 00:30:08,106 --> 00:30:09,774 EYEBALLS? >> YEAH, AND WE-- I MEAN, THIS 483 00:30:09,841 --> 00:30:14,078 IS PROBABLY THE THING WE TALK ABOUT MOST DURING OUR LENGTHY 484 00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:18,149 MORNING CALL THAT CAN GO ON AND ON AND ON. 485 00:30:18,216 --> 00:30:20,919 UPON WE REALLY DO CARE ABOUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. 486 00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:24,122 ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE MY JOB IS I'M DOING AND TALK ABOUT 487 00:30:24,189 --> 00:30:26,524 THINGS I DEEPLY CARE ABOUT. I REALLY AM CONCERNED ABOUT OUR 488 00:30:26,591 --> 00:30:30,161 DEMOCRACY, AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO DO SCARING IS 489 00:30:30,228 --> 00:30:31,396 CARING. I'M WORRIED THAT WE'RE GOING TO 490 00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:34,165 A PLACE THIS THIS COUNTRY THAT WE WON'T BE ABLE TO PULL BACK 491 00:30:34,232 --> 00:30:37,268 FROM. IF WE GO TOO FAR AND LOSE-- 492 00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:39,370 DEMOCRACIES FALL FAST, AND THEY FALL WHEN YOU'RE NOT WATCHING 493 00:30:39,437 --> 00:30:41,839 AND YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. AND THE WAYS IN WHICH OUR 494 00:30:41,906 --> 00:30:44,842 DEMOCRACY IS CRUMBLING, THEY SCARE ME, RIGHT. 495 00:30:44,909 --> 00:30:47,712 BUT WE HAVE TO GIVE THAT MESSAGE OUT IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T MAKE 496 00:30:47,779 --> 00:30:51,216 PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW FROM UNDER THEIR BED, BECAUSE 497 00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,519 THAT'S NOT HEALTHY. SO WE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE 498 00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:56,854 LEVITY IN THE SHOW. WE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A 499 00:30:56,921 --> 00:31:00,258 LIGHT HEART IN THE SHOW, AND WE TRY TO DO SOME THINGS THAT ARE 500 00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:01,292 FUN. BECAUSE I THINK EVEN WHEN THINGS 501 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:04,562 ARE BAD, YOU STILL NEED TO SMILE, RIGHT. 502 00:31:04,629 --> 00:31:07,799 YOU STILL NEED-- WHICH IS WHY I LOVE YOUR SHOW, WHICH IS WHY I 503 00:31:07,865 --> 00:31:09,701 LOVE TO WATCH YOU. ( APPLAUSE ) 504 00:31:09,767 --> 00:31:12,637 CRUMBLE. >> Stephen: YEAH, NO 505 00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:13,905 CRUMBLING. >> NO CRUMBLING. 506 00:31:13,972 --> 00:31:15,473 >> Stephen: NO CRUMBLING ALLOWED. 507 00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:18,443 >> WE CAN'T AFFORD TO CRUMBLE. WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT. 508 00:31:18,509 --> 00:31:20,445 AND I THINK PART OF THEFIGHT IS KEEPING OUR SENSE OF HUMOR AND 509 00:31:20,511 --> 00:31:23,648 NOT LETTING THE FORCES THAT WANT TO BREAK US AS A COUNTRY AND 510 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:26,451 BREAK OUR DEMOCRACY BREAK US PERSONALLY. 511 00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:30,021 RIGHT, WE NEED TO FIGHT JOYFULLY. 512 00:31:30,088 --> 00:31:31,656 >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T BE OVERWHELMED. 513 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:37,328 ( APPLAUSE ) HERE. 514 00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:38,463 "THE REIDOUT" AIRS WEEKNIGHTS ON MSNBC. 515 00:31:38,529 --> 00:31:40,265 JOY REID, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THOMAS 516 00:31:40,331 --> 00:31:40,932 MIDDLEDITCH. 517 00:31:57,148 --> 00:31:58,950 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK! 518 00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:00,618 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM 519 00:32:00,685 --> 00:32:04,188 THE HIT HBO SERIES "SILICON VALLEY." 520 00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:07,458 HE NOW STARS IN THE CBS SITCOM, "B POSITIVE." 521 00:32:07,525 --> 00:32:13,965 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH 522 00:32:14,032 --> 00:32:28,913 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 523 00:32:28,980 --> 00:32:29,981 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 524 00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:31,749 I HAVE TO SAY. IT LOOKS NICE AND WARM AND DEEP 525 00:32:31,816 --> 00:32:33,451 AND FORESTY. FORESTY. 526 00:32:33,518 --> 00:32:36,254 >> IT'S A DEEP JACKET. >> Stephen: IT IS, IT IS, VERY 527 00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:37,455 NICE. >> THANKS. 528 00:32:37,522 --> 00:32:41,159 >> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? >> YOU KNOW, GREAT, STELLAR, 529 00:32:41,225 --> 00:32:44,429 ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. PAST FEW YEARS HAVE NO 530 00:32:44,495 --> 00:32:45,463 COMPLAINTS. >> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT, 531 00:32:45,530 --> 00:32:47,732 THAT'S GREAT. LISTEN, YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU DID 532 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:52,403 SOMETHING THAT I REALLY ADMIRE, AND I-- I AM KIND OF MOVED BY 533 00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:55,139 EVERY TIME I HEAR ABOUT SOMEBODY DOING IT. 534 00:32:55,206 --> 00:32:59,210 YOU, SIR, SINCE THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO YOU, HAVE BECOME A 535 00:32:59,277 --> 00:33:01,079 UNITED STATES CITIZEN RIGHT THERE. 536 00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:08,453 ( APPLAUSE ) INSIDE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO 537 00:33:08,519 --> 00:33:10,254 THAT. TO DO THAT-- THAT'S REALLY 538 00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:12,323 LOVELY. I HAVE A SOFT SPOT IN MY HEART 539 00:33:12,390 --> 00:33:13,958 FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CHOSE THIS PLACE. 540 00:33:14,025 --> 00:33:17,729 >> YEAH, NO, IT WAS-- IT WAS-- IT WAS A SPECIAL MOMENT. 541 00:33:17,795 --> 00:33:20,331 I ACED THE TEST, WHICH IS PRETTY COOL. 542 00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:21,132 >> Stephen: COOL. >> YEAH. 543 00:33:21,199 --> 00:33:22,667 >> Stephen: THERE IS A TEST, RIGHT? 544 00:33:22,734 --> 00:33:26,404 >> YEAH, THERE IS A TEST, AND THEY ASK YOU QUESTIONS. 545 00:33:26,471 --> 00:33:29,474 >> Stephen: LIKE, "WHO IS THE 16th PRESIDENT?" 546 00:33:29,540 --> 00:33:31,709 >> THAT'S WAY TOO HARD FOR THE TEST. 547 00:33:31,776 --> 00:33:34,545 >> Stephen: WHO IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. 548 00:33:34,612 --> 00:33:44,155 >> IT'S LIKE "NAME ONE STATE." UH, DELAWARE. 549 00:33:44,222 --> 00:33:46,557 >> Stephen: HOW MANY QUESTIONS ON THE TEST? 550 00:33:46,624 --> 00:33:47,925 >> THERE ARE 10. >> Stephen: WOW. 551 00:33:47,992 --> 00:33:50,862 >> THERE ARE 100 THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW, AND THEY'LL ONLY ASK YOU 552 00:33:50,928 --> 00:33:55,133 10, AND I THINK IF YOU GET SIX RIGHT IN A ROW, THEY'RE LIKE, 553 00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:56,734 "GOOD ENOUGH." >> Stephen: WOW, WOW. 554 00:33:56,801 --> 00:34:01,272 >> YEAH, BUT IT WAS PRETTY COOL. IT WAS DURING COVID, SO THE 555 00:34:01,339 --> 00:34:04,809 CEREMONY TOOK PLACE OUTSIDE, AND EVERYONE WAS ADEQUATELY SPACED. 556 00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:06,344 >> Stephen: SURE. HOW MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR GROUP? 557 00:34:06,411 --> 00:34:09,113 >> I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE ABOUT 30 OR SO. 558 00:34:09,180 --> 00:34:12,617 AND, YOU KNOW, THEY-- IF YOU TAKE THIS PLEDGE, AND, YOU KNOW, 559 00:34:12,683 --> 00:34:17,321 I CAME FROM CANADA, SO IT JUST-- LIKE, MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS, 560 00:34:17,388 --> 00:34:19,791 LIKE, IT TOOK A WHILE. BUT, YOU KNOW, FOR SOME PEOPLE 561 00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:23,361 THEY'RE IN TEARS BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT JOURNEY THEY HAD TO 562 00:34:23,428 --> 00:34:26,664 GET THERE. AND IT JUST-- IT WAS A PROFOUND 563 00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:30,935 MOMENT OF LIKE, WOW. FOR SOME FOLKS, AMERICA IS-- NO 564 00:34:31,002 --> 00:34:35,440 PLACE IS FLAWLESS, BUT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE, IT'S LIKE THAT WILLIE 565 00:34:35,506 --> 00:34:38,443 WONKA GOLDEN TICKET OF NOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE 566 00:34:38,509 --> 00:34:39,610 DRAMATICALLY. AND THAT WAS-- THAT WAS SPECIAL 567 00:34:39,677 --> 00:34:41,813 TO BE -- >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I LOVE 568 00:34:41,879 --> 00:34:43,915 ABOUT NATURALIZATION CEREMONIES. >> YEAH. 569 00:34:43,981 --> 00:34:46,584 >> Stephen: DO YOU FEEL-- FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME ABOARD. 570 00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:48,619 >> THANKS. >> Stephen: I WISH I HAD A 571 00:34:48,686 --> 00:34:51,923 WHISTLE. >> OH, I BOUGHT 50 GUNS. 572 00:34:51,989 --> 00:34:53,691 I... ( LAUGHTER ) 573 00:34:53,758 --> 00:35:00,264 FROM UNDERNEATH THE WINGS, HAD A FORD TRUCK. 574 00:35:00,331 --> 00:35:03,935 AS TED NUGENT WAS LIKE ♪ I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN 575 00:35:04,001 --> 00:35:08,039 WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE ♪ WHOEVER SINGS THAT. 576 00:35:08,105 --> 00:35:11,442 >> Stephen: LEE GREENWOOD. THAT'S ON THE TEST. 577 00:35:11,509 --> 00:35:13,811 IS THAT NOT ON THE TEST? >> OH, NO! 578 00:35:13,878 --> 00:35:15,746 GOOD THING I DIDN'T GET THAT QUESTION. 579 00:35:15,813 --> 00:35:17,281 >> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WANT TO BE AN AMERICAN? 580 00:35:17,348 --> 00:35:19,484 >> I DON'T KNOW, MAN. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT ON THE 581 00:35:19,550 --> 00:35:21,719 TEST. >> NO, JUST BECAUSE-- WELL, YOU 582 00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:24,922 KNOW, I'D BEEN HERE SO LONG THROUGH WORK VISAS AND GREEN 583 00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:26,591 CARDS. THE BIG JUMP IS TO FINALLY, YOU 584 00:35:26,657 --> 00:35:30,928 KNOW, TAKE PART IN YOUR DEMOCRATIC PROCESS. 585 00:35:30,995 --> 00:35:33,664 I COME FROM CANADA. WE HAVE DEMOCRACY THERE. 586 00:35:33,731 --> 00:35:35,099 >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND. 587 00:35:35,166 --> 00:35:38,102 >> BUT IT WAS JUST-- IT'S JUST SORT OF-- IT JUST BECOMES MORE 588 00:35:38,169 --> 00:35:40,037 OFFICIAL AND YOU KIND OF GET TO TAKE PART. 589 00:35:40,104 --> 00:35:45,076 >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TO RENOUNCE, YOU KNOW, RYAN GOSLING 590 00:35:45,142 --> 00:35:47,311 OR ANYTHING? DO YOU HAVE TO RENOUNCE-- 591 00:35:47,378 --> 00:35:49,814 >> AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TRUDEAU? 592 00:35:49,881 --> 00:35:52,750 I HATE HIM, GOOD. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A DUAL 593 00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:53,918 CITIZEN NOW? >> I AM. 594 00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:57,622 >> Stephen: OH, WOW. >> SO I CAN ESCAPE UP NORTH WHEN 595 00:35:57,688 --> 00:36:01,826 THE WATER WARS COME, BROTHER. I'M GOING TO HAVE ALL THE FRESH 596 00:36:01,893 --> 00:36:04,428 DRINKING WATER YOU CAN HAVE. >> Stephen: DO YOU SAY THOSE 597 00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:07,031 CANADIAN-- HOW DO YOU SAY THAT WORD? 598 00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:16,474 >> ABOUT, STEPHEN. ( APPLAUSE ) 599 00:36:16,541 --> 00:36:23,414 BIN. >> Stephen: YOU HAD TO THINK 600 00:36:23,481 --> 00:36:26,984 ABOUT IT. YOU WERE GOING TO SEE BEAM. 601 00:36:27,051 --> 00:36:35,593 >> NO. DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT ONE, 602 00:36:35,660 --> 00:36:36,861 TOO. PAST-A. 603 00:36:36,928 --> 00:36:40,264 >> Stephen: I'LL SPEND TIME HERE AND GO BACK TO MY HOME TOWN 604 00:36:40,331 --> 00:36:44,368 AND GO, "YOU GUYS SOUND CRAZY. Y'ALL SOUND CRAZY AROUND HERE. 605 00:36:44,435 --> 00:36:49,407 >> Stephen: YOU SUPPORTED BERNIE SAND SANDERS IN 2020, BUU 606 00:36:49,473 --> 00:36:52,376 COULDN'T VOTE. IS IT BERNIE 2024? 607 00:36:52,443 --> 00:36:58,649 >> I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I'M GOING TO SEE "NIGHT OF." 608 00:36:58,716 --> 00:37:02,887 I'M GOING TO CHECK OUT-- COME AROUND WHEN THEY'RE DOING THE 609 00:37:02,954 --> 00:37:11,295 BIG DRAMATIC MUSIC OF DA-DA- DA, 2024 ELECTION! 610 00:37:11,362 --> 00:37:15,299 AND WHO WILL BE IT BE, POTTER. THAT DUDE-- OR LADY. 611 00:37:15,366 --> 00:37:17,168 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. >> GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW. 612 00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:18,469 >> Stephen: THAT WAS VERY CLOSE THERE. 613 00:37:18,536 --> 00:37:22,139 >> I'M TAKING A STEP BACK, YOU KNOW. 614 00:37:22,206 --> 00:37:25,142 BEING PLUGGED IN ALL THE TIME TO WHAT'S GOING ON, IT FEELS WEIRD 615 00:37:25,209 --> 00:37:33,050 LIKE A BIG CONTRARY STATEMENT TO WHAT THE UTTERED BY THE GUEST 616 00:37:33,117 --> 00:37:35,219 BEFORE-- "PAY ATTENTION, DEMOCRACY." 617 00:37:35,286 --> 00:37:37,088 IT'S SCARY. EVERYONE IS TWISTING EACH 618 00:37:37,154 --> 00:37:39,991 OTHER'S ARMS AND PULLING EACH OTHER'S HAIR OUT. 619 00:37:40,057 --> 00:37:41,525 I'M TIRED OF IT. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN 620 00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:45,262 KEEPING UP WITH THE NEWS LATELY? >> NOT IF THEY HAPPEN ON SOCIAL 621 00:37:45,329 --> 00:37:46,130 MEDIA. I'M OUT OF THERE. 622 00:37:46,197 --> 00:37:48,232 >> Stephen: ME, NEITHER. >> IT'S CRAZY. 623 00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:50,701 >> Stephen: EVERYTHING IS FINE BY THE WAY. 624 00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:54,138 >> IS IT? WHAT ARE THE BIG HEADLINES? 625 00:37:54,205 --> 00:38:00,478 >> Stephen: THERE AREN'T ANY. A BUNCH OF MORNINGIES WERE IN AN 626 00:38:00,544 --> 00:38:06,384 ACCIDENT IN PENNSYLVANIA, BUT THEY CAUGHT THEM ALL, A BUNCH OF 627 00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,219 MONKEYS. LET'S GET TO THE MEAT HERE. 628 00:38:08,285 --> 00:38:12,390 YOU ARE STARRING IN THE CBS HIT SITCOM "B POSITIVE." 629 00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,725 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: SECOND SEASON. 630 00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:16,027 >> YEAH. ( APPLAUSE ). 631 00:38:16,093 --> 00:38:19,130 SOMEONE RIGHT HERE-- LET ME SPEAK FROM THE HEART, AS SOMEONE 632 00:38:19,196 --> 00:38:26,404 WHO AS A YOUNG ACTOR AUDITIONED FOR 1,000 SITCOMS AND COULD NOT 633 00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:32,109 GET ARRESTED -- THOUGH I GOT CALLED BACK FOR "ALLEY 634 00:38:32,176 --> 00:38:36,514 McBEAL--" WHAT IS IT LIKE TO STAR IN A SITCOM, IT'S A SWEET 635 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:39,950 RIDE, RIGHT? >> I WILL SAY THIS FIRST AND 636 00:38:40,017 --> 00:38:42,620 FOREMOST, EVERYONE ON THE SHOW IS A TREAT TO WORK WITH. 637 00:38:42,687 --> 00:38:45,589 ANNALEIGH ASHFORD IS A JOY. .>> Stephen: AND YOU GET TO 638 00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:47,825 WORK WITH EXTRAORDINARY LEGENDS ON THAT SHOW. 639 00:38:47,892 --> 00:38:49,760 BEN VEREEN! >> BEN VEREEN. 640 00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:53,597 >> Stephen: BEN VEREEN! ( APPLAUSE ) 641 00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:59,670 ECCENTRIC. HE'S GOT THIS WONDERFUL LITTLE 642 00:38:59,737 --> 00:39:04,041 HAT THAT HE WARES THAT SAYS, LIKE, "MINISTER OF FUN." 643 00:39:04,108 --> 00:39:08,245 THE FIRST TABLE READ WE WERE AT, WE WERE ABOUT READY TO READ THE 644 00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:10,448 SCRIPT AND EVERYONE WAS CHATTING AND THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR IS 645 00:39:10,514 --> 00:39:13,317 LIKE, "I SHOULD PROBABLY GET THINGS GOING." 646 00:39:13,384 --> 00:39:16,654 AND BEN VEREEN QUIETLY TAKES OUT THIS LITTLE RECORDER AND GOES 647 00:39:16,721 --> 00:39:19,190 DO-DO-DO-DO. AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WHAT? 648 00:39:19,256 --> 00:39:23,160 AND WE ALL QUIETED DOWN. AND HE PUT HIS RECORDER AWAY. 649 00:39:23,227 --> 00:39:28,399 AND AT ASSISTANT DIRECTOR WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S HAVE A 650 00:39:28,466 --> 00:39:30,401 THE TABLE READ." AND WE WERE LIKE, GOOD. 651 00:39:30,468 --> 00:39:32,770 HE QUIETED US DOWN WITH HIS MAGICAL FLUTE. 652 00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:34,238 >> Stephen: THAT'S A PRO. THAT'S A PRO. 653 00:39:34,305 --> 00:39:38,242 >> HE IS AMAZING. >> Stephen: THOMAS, IT WAS 654 00:39:38,309 --> 00:39:40,111 LOVELY TO SEE, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 655 00:39:40,177 --> 00:39:44,882 >> THANKS. >> Stephen: NEW EPISODES OF 656 00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:48,619 "B POSITIVE" AIR THIS THURSDAY AT 9:00 P.M. ON CBS. 657 00:39:48,686 --> 00:39:50,988 THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 658 00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:14,612 THAT'S IT FOR LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST 659 00:40:14,678 --> 00:40:17,982 WILL BE ADRIEN BRODY. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 660 00:40:18,048 --> 00:40:18,916 GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.