1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:03,737 FOR PELOTON IN A FICTIONAL 2 00:00:03,803 --> 00:00:05,004 TELEVISION SHOW. THIS TIME ON THE SEASON SIX 3 00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,172 PREMIERE OF "BILLIONS," A CHARACTER ON THE SHOW SUFFERED A 4 00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:08,508 HEART ATTACK AFTER RIDING A PELOTON BIKE. 5 00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:11,745 REMEMBER, LAST MONTH, PELOTON SHARES PLUNGED WHEN MR. BIG DIED 6 00:00:11,811 --> 00:00:16,483 AFTER RIDING A PELOTON IN THE "SEX IN THE CITY" SPINOFF SERIES 7 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:23,757 "AND JUST LIKE THAT." 8 00:00:23,823 --> 00:00:30,663 ♪♪ 9 00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:36,736 >> ALL RIGHT, DADDY PIG, TIME TO TRY YOUR NEW PELOTON BIKE! 10 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:40,974 >> BUT ISN'T THAT THE THING ON TV GIVING PEOPLE HEART ATTACKS? 11 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,811 >> WHAT COULD GO WRONG? I'M LITERALLY MADE OF THE THING 12 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,181 CARDIOLOGISTS TELL YOU NOT TO EAT. 13 00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:51,484 THIS EXERCISE BICYCLE WILL GET ME OUT OF MY RUT IN NO TIME. 14 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:55,288 >> OR ME OUT OF THIS FAILED MARRIAGE. 15 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:56,322 >> WHAT'S THAT? I SAID, UM, PRETEND YOU ARE 16 00:00:56,389 --> 00:01:00,260 PULLING A CARRIAGE. >> AH, YES, VISUALIZATION. 17 00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:05,064 GREAT SUGGESTION. ( PANTING ) 18 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:08,234 >> WHY IS DADDY PIG BREATHING SO HARD? 19 00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:12,238 >> BECAUSE MOMMY PIG RECENTLY SPOTTED DADDY PIG'S CAR PARKED 20 00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:19,212 OVER AT MADAM GAZELLE'S HOUSE. ( GRUNTING ) 21 00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:21,481 >> THE PELOTON KILLED DADDY! NONSENSE! 22 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:27,454 I POISONED HIS COFFEE! 23 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:28,455 ( THEME SONG PLAYS ) >> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH 24 00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:42,969 STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT: 25 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:47,207 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KRISTEN STEWART AND JONATHAN VAN NESS, 26 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,577 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 27 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:56,249 AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 28 00:01:56,316 --> 00:02:03,990 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:18,938 ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) 30 00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:25,144 ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) 31 00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:30,116 ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HELLO! 32 00:02:30,183 --> 00:02:33,486 THANK YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 33 00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,321 ( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU. 34 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:41,194 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH! 35 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:42,362 WELCOME. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE 36 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:45,331 LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 37 00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:50,870 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I JUST WANT TO START BY SAYING 38 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:52,105 EVERYONE CALM DOWN. ( LAUGHTER ) 39 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:56,209 THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC. THE IMPENDING DISASTER WE ALL 40 00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:57,911 WORRIED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN RESOLVED, BECAUSE ALL 41 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:03,449 MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ACCOUNTED FOR AFTER A TRUCK WITH 100 MONKEYS 42 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:12,325 CRASHED. SHOO! 43 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,727 THANK THE LORD! THEY GOT ALL 100 MONKEYS THANKS, 44 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:19,632 PRESUMABLY, TO 100 MEN IN 100 YELLOW HATS. 45 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,869 ONE IMAGINES, WE DON'T KNOW, THE DETAILS ARE SKETCHY. 46 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:26,139 HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A PICKUP TRUCK PULLING A TRAILER 47 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:27,440 TRANSPORTING 100 MONKEYS TO, WHO KNOWS? 48 00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:30,877 SIX FLAGS? GOT OFF I-80 IN PENNSYLVANIA, 49 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:35,214 THEN IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO GET BACK ON, AT WHICH TIME IT WAS 50 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,283 HIT ON THE PASSENGER SIDE BY A DUMP TRUCK, TEARING OFF THE 51 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,452 FRONT PANEL OF THE TRAILER AND SENDING MORE THAN A DOZEN CRATES 52 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:48,194 TUMBLING OUT. SO, FLYING MONKEYS DO EXIST. 53 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:51,331 ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ALL FINE. 54 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:56,703 THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION -- FLY! FLY! 55 00:03:56,769 --> 00:04:03,376 FLY, MY PRETTIES! ( LAUGHTER ) 56 00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:07,480 I AUDITIONED. I DIDN'T GET THE PART. 57 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,482 ( LAUGHTER ) THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION ARE 58 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:11,718 THE CRAB-EATING MACAQUE. SO, OFFICERS WERE ABLE TO TRACK 59 00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:15,421 THEM DOWN BY STAKING OUT PARTICIPATING RED LOBSTER 60 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:18,625 LOCATIONS. ( LAUGHTER ) 61 00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:21,160 ( APPLAUSE ) THEY LOVE CHEDDAR-BAY BISCUITS. 62 00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:28,234 THEY LOVE 'EM! RIDE IT, BABY, RIDE IT! 63 00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:32,338 THERE IS ONE SMALLER STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE. 64 00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:36,242 RUSSIA CONTINUES TO AMASS TROOPS ALONG THE UKRAINE BORDER, SO 65 00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:39,379 PRESIDENT BIDEN IS CONSIDERING DEPLOYING THOUSANDS OF TROOPS TO 66 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:44,250 EASTERN EUROPE ND THE BALTICS. THAT HEADLINE READS WAY TOO MUCH 67 00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:47,120 LIKE A GAME OF RISK. LET'S HAVE SOME THAT SOUND LIKE 68 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,522 WE'RE PLAYING A NICER BOARD GAME, LIKE: 69 00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:51,524 HIPPO HUNGER REMAIN INSATIABLE OR NEW YORK CITY'S BIGGEST 70 00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:56,529 LANDLORD: THIS THIMBLE. IT'S NOT JUST AMERICA. 71 00:04:56,596 --> 00:05:00,800 DENMARK IS DEPLOYING F-16 WARPLANES TO LITHUANIA, FRANCE 72 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,469 STANDS READY TO SEND TROOPS TO ROMANIA. 73 00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:08,241 SPAIN IS SENDING FOUR FIGHTER JETS TO BULGARIA. 74 00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:12,245 YES, SPANISH FIGHTER JETS. YOU CAN SEE THEM IN ACTION IN 75 00:05:12,311 --> 00:05:16,215 THE MOVIE, "TAPAS GUN." ( LAUGHTER ) 76 00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:24,791 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YOU CAN SHARE 'EM! 77 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:27,126 >> Stephen: THEY'RE FOR THE WHOLE TABLE. 78 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:36,002 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. >> St>> Stephen: IRELAND. 79 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,637 IRELAND ALSO CHIPPED IN. RUSSIA WAS PLANNING TO 80 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,005 HOLDS WAR GAMES 240 KILOMETERS OFF IRELAND'S SOUTHWEST COAST, 81 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:39,939 BUT IRELAND WARNED THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME. 82 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:48,214 YEAH, RUSSIA. DON'T MESS WITH THE IRISH. 83 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:56,222 YOU ANGER MY PEOPLE, AND WE'LL WRITE A FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU AND 84 00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:58,624 SERVE YOU A BOILED MEAT. ( LAUGHTER ) 85 00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,892 SO WHY'S PUTIN DOING THIS? WELL, ON SATURDAY, BRITAIN 86 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,795 ACCUSED MOSCOW OF DEVELOPING PLANS TO INSTALL A PRO -RUSSIAN 87 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,564 LEADER IN UKRAINE. OH, UKRAINE, YOU DON'T WANT 88 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:07,533 THAT. WE JUST GOT RID OF OUR 89 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:13,072 PRO-RUSSIAN LEADER, AND HE WAS A DISASTER. 90 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:20,813 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 91 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,216 DESPITE NATO'S MILITARY BUILD UP, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS 92 00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:26,018 NOT GIVEN UP ON A DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION, ACCORDING TO 93 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,553 SECRETARY OF STATE AND NON-SPEAKING ROLE IN A VIAGRA 94 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:34,460 COMMERCIAL, ANTONY BLINKEN. BLINKEN WAS ON 'MEET THE TODD' 95 00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:35,762 YESTERDAY AND SAID THERE IS STILL AT LEAST SOME 96 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,564 BACK-AND-FORTH BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE US AND NATO. 97 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:42,468 >> WE STARTED THIS EFFORT OF DIPLOMACY AND DIALOGUE ABOUT 10 98 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:43,770 DAYS AGO. IN THE COURSE OF THAT, RUSSIA 99 00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:47,573 HAS PUT SOME IDEAS ON THE TABLE IN WRITING TO BOTH THE UNITED 100 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,344 STATES AND NATO. >> YES, RUSSIA HAS PUT SOME 101 00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,079 IDEAS, UH, IN WRITING, I THINK, UH, WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT 102 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,548 PROPOSAL. (RUSSIAN ACCENT) 103 00:06:55,615 --> 00:07:02,789 WE TAKE UKRAINE? CHECK YES OR WE TAKE ANYWAY. 104 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:12,698 ( APPLAUSE ) LOOK -- YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE, 105 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:18,471 CRIMEA, YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE, WE TAKE, WE TAKE... 106 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:19,539 ( PIANO RIFF ) THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOU FORMER 107 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,874 PRESIDENT GOLD YELLER. LAST WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT 108 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,543 REJECTED HIS REQUEST TO KEEP CERTAIN DOCUMENTS SECRET FROM 109 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,813 THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE, AND NOW WE'RE FINDING OUT WHY HE 110 00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:32,785 WANTED TO HIDE THEM SO BADLY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 111 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:36,522 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: 112 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:37,657 ( SNARLING ) >> STEPHEN: EXACTLY WHAT YOU 113 00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:39,525 THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED. 114 00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:43,429 BRACE YOURSELVES, 'CUZ ON FRIDAY, THE COMMITTEE RECEIVED 115 00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:47,300 A DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER FROM DECEMBER 16, 2020 THAT WOULD 116 00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:50,770 HAVE DIRECTED THE DEFENSE SECRETARY TO SEIZE VOTING 117 00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:53,873 MACHINES. IN AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTURN THE 118 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,809 ELECTION, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED THE MILITARY TO SEIZE THE 119 00:07:56,876 --> 00:08:01,247 VOTING MACHINES. THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN 120 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,449 US AND AN AUTHORITARIAN TAKEOVER WOULD'VE BEEN ELDERLY POLL 121 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:08,387 WORKERS. (AS SENIOR) 122 00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:18,364 LOOKING AT MY BINDER, I DON'T SEE A REGISTRATION FOR 'FASCIST 123 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:21,067 JUNTA.'. PLEASE STEP TO THE SIDE, OR I'LL 124 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:28,341 GUT YOU -- PLEASE STEP ASIDE, PLEASE -- DORIS, DORIS! 125 00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:31,611 I'LL ASK. DORIS, DO YOU HAVE A JUNTA COMMA 126 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:32,445 FASCIST? WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR MASK 127 00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:36,349 ON? PLEASE PUT A MASK ON. 128 00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:37,783 DORIS, IT'S GOTTA BE UNDER J, 'CUZ IT'S NOT UNDER F. 129 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:42,054 IT MIGHT BE A MINUTE, THERE'S A BAKE SALE. 130 00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,390 THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD'VE TURNED THE WHOLE ELECTION OVER TO THE 131 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,627 DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, GIVING THEM 60 DAYS TO WRITE AN ASSESSMENT 132 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,761 OF THE 2020 ELECTION. NO DOUBT THAT ASSESSMENT 133 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:52,098 WOULD'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY TOP MILITARY ELECTION ANALYST 134 00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:59,972 GENERAL M.Y. PILLOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 135 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,942 A TRUE STORY! TRUE STORY! 136 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,878 IS THIS GETTING THROUGH TO EVERYONE HERE THAT HE WAS GOING 137 00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:09,615 TO MILITARIZE THE ELECTION AND SEIZE THE VOTES? 138 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:12,385 THAT 60 DAYS WAS PART OF A DESPERATE STALLING TACTIC 139 00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:15,621 TO KEEP THE EX-PRESIDENT IN POWER UNTIL AT LEAST 140 00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:22,261 MID-FEBRUARY OF 2021. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 141 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:27,633 MAN, HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO RUIN BLACK HISTORY MONTH. 142 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:31,804 ( LAUGHTER ) HOW WOULD THE PRESIDENT EVEN 143 00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:33,205 EVER HAVE POWER TO SEND THE MILITARY IN TO HALT A FREE AND 144 00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:37,710 FAIR ELECTION COUNT? WE HAVE NO IDEA. 145 00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:40,112 BECAUSE THE DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER CITES TWO CLASSIFIED 146 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,616 DOCUMENTS: NATIONAL SECURITY PRESIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM 13, 147 00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:48,387 WHICH WE KNEW ABOUT, AND MEMORANDUM 21, THE EXISTENCE OF 148 00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:51,190 HAS NOT BEEN PREVIOUSLY REPORTED. 149 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,793 QUITE A WAY TO LEARN THAT SECRET. 150 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:56,162 IT'S LIKE GETTING A CARD FROM YOUR PARENTS: 151 00:09:56,228 --> 00:10:03,636 HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY LOVE, MOM, DAD, AND ACTUAL DAD. 152 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:08,341 ( APPLAUSE ) HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR DAD. 153 00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:10,876 >> Jon: THAT'S TOUGH. >> Stephen: THAT IS. 154 00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:13,012 THAT'S TOUGH. IN PANDEMIC NEWS, WE MIGHT SOON 155 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,648 GET TO FOCUS ON SOME OTHER KIND OF NEWS. 156 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:19,385 BECAUSE, AFTER WEEKS OF SURGING CASES, 157 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:31,964 OMICRON CASES APPEAR TO HAVE PEAKED IN THE U.S. 158 00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:40,373 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO-HOO! 159 00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:44,744 THE CASES ARE GOING DOWN. I'M SO EXCITED. 160 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,979 I ALMOST FORGET HOW MANY TIMES IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS I'VE SAID 161 00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,080 THE PHRASE "WOO-HOO THE CASES ARE GOING 162 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,415 DOWN." CASES HAVE FALLEN HERE IN NEW 163 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,584 YORK, AS WELL AS IN COLORADO, LOUISIANA, MASSACHUSETTS, 164 00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,152 PENNSYLVANIA, AND FLORIDA. IN FACT, FLORIDA JUST REPORTED 165 00:10:53,219 --> 00:11:01,293 ITS FIRST CONFIRMED CASE OF SOMEONE WITHOUT COVID. 166 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:06,499 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE OMICRON 167 00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:09,402 WOODS YET. AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT 168 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,971 "IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO NOT BE LIKE, 'OH, IT'S OVER,', 169 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:16,709 IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL WE GET BACK DOWN TO A LULL." 170 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,378 AH, YES, A LULL. FAMOUSLY, WHEN SOMETHING IS 171 00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:22,548 COMPLETELY OVER. WELL, IT APPEARS WE'VE REACHED A 172 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:25,851 LULL IN THE ZOMBIE ATTACK. LET'S ALL PUT DOWN OUR WEAPONS 173 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,955 AND REST OUR DELICIOUS HEADS HERE FOR A NAP IN THE CEMETERY. 174 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,357 EVEN THOUGH OMICRON CASES ARE GOING DOWN, HOSPITALS ARE STILL 175 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:35,795 SLAMMED. IN FACT, SOME ARE ASKING WORKERS 176 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:40,166 WITH COVID TO RETURN, EVEN IF THEY MAY BE INFECTIOUS. 177 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:43,302 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. (AS DOCTOR, CHECKING CLIPBOARD) 178 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:47,373 ALRIGHT, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, DIZZINESS AND CONSTANT DIARRHEA. 179 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:55,081 OK, WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS, SIR? ( LAUGHTER ) 180 00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,016 ( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S ME, I'M THE 181 00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:58,551 DOCTOR AND I -- >> Jon: RIGHT. 182 00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:01,854 >> Stephen: HOSPITALS MAY HAVE NO CHOICE. 183 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:03,255 THEY NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK BECAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY FACING 184 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,757 CRITICAL STAFFING SHORTAGES. FINE. 185 00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:06,692 WE JUST NEED TO ATTRACT NEW HEALTHCARE WORKERS. 186 00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:08,661 (BAGS POTS AND PANS) COME HERE, NURSES YOU LIKE THIS, 187 00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:20,639 RIGHT? WE USED TO DO THIS! 188 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:21,874 HEY, NURSEY NURSEY NURSEY! THAT'S WHY WE BANGED THEM LAST 189 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:32,651 YEAR, RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT? 190 00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:36,989 YOU KNOW WHAT THE GUYS IN THE SOUND BOOTH REALLY LOVE? 191 00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,657 THIS! ( LAUGHTER ) 192 00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:41,760 YOU GOT THAT, PIERRE? YOU GOT THAT. 193 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:44,763 >> Jon: OH, PIERRE, MAN! ( PIANO RIFF ) 194 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,333 >> Stephen: SOMEBODY JUST QUIT IN THE CONTROL ROOM. 195 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,034 THERE YOU GO. THE C.D.C. GUIDANCE ON THIS IS A 196 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,569 LITTLE FUZZY. THEY SAY HEALTH CARE WORKERS WHO 197 00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:55,341 TEST POSITIVE CAN KEEP WORKING UNINTERRUPTED IN A CRISIS. 198 00:12:55,407 --> 00:13:07,953 COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS NOW. 199 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:09,622 WE'RE IN YEAR 3 OF A PLAGUE, RUSSIA IS THREATENING WORLD WAR 200 00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,390 3, AND THE GREEN M&M IS SLIGHTLY LESS SEXY. 201 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,627 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT A CANDY I DON'T WANNA BONE? 202 00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:18,631 IT'S NOT JUST THAT INFECTE 203 00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:23,602 I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SKITTLES JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME. 204 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:26,138 THEY DON'T TURN ME ON. ( APPLAUSE ) 205 00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,406 HOSPITAL WORKERS CAN STAY ON THE JOB, THERE'S ALSO NO 206 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:31,343 REQUIREMENTS THAT PATIENTS BE NOTIFIED IF THEIR CAREGIVER IS 207 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,279 SICK, UNLESS AN INFECTED WORKER SPENDS MORE THAN 15 MINUTES WITH 208 00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:35,714 THEM AT A DISTANCE OF LESS THAN SIX FEET. 209 00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:38,651 SO THEY SHOULD JUST MAKE 'ALL' PROCEDURES SOCIALLY DISTANCED. 210 00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:42,821 (AS DOCTOR) OKAY, MR. PHILLIPS. 211 00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:43,989 TO BE SAFE, I'M GONNA DO THIS COLONOSCOPY FROM ACROSS THE 212 00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:47,793 ROOM. DON'T WORRY, I PLAY A LOT OF 213 00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:55,334 SKEE-BALL. HERE WE GO! 214 00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,435 OH! OH! 215 00:13:56,502 --> 00:14:00,406 I'LL TAKE A LITTLE ALLIGATOR, PLEASE! 216 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,641 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE KRISTEN 217 00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,010 STEWART AND JONATHAN VAN NESS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER 218 00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:07,313 SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR KIDS. 219 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:56,695 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 220 00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:57,730 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 221 00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,432 ( HUMMING SONG ) >> Stephen: JON, I'M HOLDING 222 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:03,302 THE QUESTIONS FOR OUR GUESTS TONIGHT. 223 00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:07,273 FIRST OF ALL, WE'VE GOT KRISTEN STEWART. 224 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,343 >> Jon: YES, INDEED! HELLO! 225 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:17,850 >> Stephen: THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED MOVIE "SPENCER," SHE 226 00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:25,858 PLAYS LADY Di. THEN JONATHAN VAN NESS WITH A 227 00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:28,994 NEW SHOW. WE WERE TALKING TO A YOUNG MAN 228 00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:33,866 IN THE AUDIENCE BEFORE THE SHOW, ASKED ME IF I'D SEEN THE GAME 229 00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,568 LAST NIGHT, KANSAS CITY VERSUS BUFFALO. 230 00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:41,073 OBVIOUSLY, I WORK AT CBS, IT WAS A CBS BROADCAST NIGHT, SO, OF 231 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:47,146 COURSE, I WAS LISTENING TO OUR PODCAST, I WAS NOT WATCHING THE 232 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,514 GAME. ( APPLAUSE ) 233 00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:55,187 BECAUSE ON SUNDAYS, IT'S IN MY CONTRACT, REQUIRED, TO LISTEN TO 234 00:15:55,254 --> 00:16:00,559 THE PODCAST EVERY NIGHT. WHERE IS IT AVAILABLE? 235 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:05,164 SPOTIFY, APPLE, IT'S AVAILABLE ON CERTAIN MICROWAVES. 236 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:10,969 >> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: I THINK MOST AIR 237 00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:13,839 FRYERS CARRY IT. DID ANY ARE OF YOU WATCH THE 238 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:14,973 GAME? >> IT WAS ONE TO HAVE THE BEST 239 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:19,244 FOOTBALL GAMES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 240 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,379 UNBELIEVABLE ( APPLAUSE ) 241 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:21,814 >> Stephen: ESSENTIALLY THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF THE GAME 242 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,416 WERE THE MOST EXCITING FOOTBALL GAME OF ALL TIME. 243 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,053 EVERY TIME A TEAM TOUCHED A BALL, THEY'D SCORE. 244 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,855 >> EXACTLY. IT WAS, LIKE, OH, MAN, THEY WON 245 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:34,126 THE GAME, AND THEN THE OTHER TEAM WON THE GAME, AND THEN THE 246 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:37,129 OTHER TEAM WON THE GAME. >> Stephen: AND THEY'D WIN THE 247 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:41,166 GAME AGAIN AND WENT INTO SUDDEN DEATH. 248 00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:45,838 HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SUDDEN DEATH RULE IN THE PLAYOFFS? 249 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,474 ( BOOING ) >> I MEAN, ME PERSONALLY, I 250 00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:52,611 THINK THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF RULE, OVERTIME RULE IS 251 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:56,382 THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM THAT SCORED, THEY 252 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:59,385 SHOULD GET THE CHANCE TO SCORE. >> Stephen: IN BASEBALL, IT'S 253 00:16:59,451 --> 00:17:02,955 NOT LIKE THEY GO TO EXTRA INNINGS, AS SOON AS SOMEONE HITS 254 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:07,059 THE HOME RUN, IT'S OVER, BOTH TEAMS GET TO BAT. 255 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,394 >> THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE. 256 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:12,331 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS! 257 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:16,502 I AM LIT AND I CANNOT WAIT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WERE JUST 258 00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:21,840 TALKING ABOUT. ( LAUGHTER ) 259 00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:25,878 KIDS -- CHILDREN -- WHERE DO THEY COME FROM? 260 00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:27,379 WE MAY NEVER KNOW. BUT ONE THING WE DO KNOW: RIGHT 261 00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,148 NOW, MANY CHILDREN ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE RETURNED TO 262 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:32,518 LEARNING FROM HOME AGAIN. AND THAT MEANS MANY PARENTS ARE 263 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,154 STOCKING UP ON THE NECESSARY HOME SCHOOLING SUPPLIES, LIKE 264 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:40,025 PILLOWS TO SCREAM INTO AND BOXES OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WINE. 265 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:45,497 ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHERE I HELP. 266 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,166 ALL PANDEMIC, I'VE BEEN DOING A SEGMENT WHERE I GIVE PARENTS A 267 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,902 BREAK BY ANSWERING REAL QUESTIONS SUBMITTED BY CERTIFIED 268 00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:53,172 CHILDREN. THE SEGMENT WAS ORIGINALLY 269 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:57,876 CALLED STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS. BUT THAT FELT WEIRD. 270 00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:00,779 SO, WE CHANGED IT TO STEPHEN'S RE-EDUCATION CAMP. 271 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:05,150 BUT THAT FELT BAD IN A DIFFERENT WAY. 272 00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,919 THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN ASSURED THAT MY WRITERS HAVE CHANGED THE 273 00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:07,953 NAME TO SOMETHING TOTALLY APPROPRIATE. 274 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,888 SO PARENTS, PUT THOSE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE TV. 275 00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:15,427 BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR -- 276 00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:19,932 >> STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING CHILDREN! 277 00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:21,834 >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY 100% NO. 278 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:25,170 HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WAS OKAY? 279 00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,773 EVERYONE IS FIRED. EVERY SINGLE PERSON EXPECT THE 280 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,009 CAMERA GUY, EVERYONE IS FIRED. HI, KIDS! 281 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:35,013 I'M STEPHEN, AND I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION YOU CAN THINK OF. 282 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,982 HOW? BECAUSE I'M A GENIUS. 283 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:41,119 IF I WEREN'T, WHY WOULD I BE WEARING GLASSES? 284 00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,454 OKAY? THINK. 285 00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:46,959 WHO'S GOT THE FIRST QUESTION? >> WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE EDGE 286 00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:51,196 OF THE UNIVERSE LOOK LIKE? >> Stephen: WELL, SAMUEL, 287 00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:56,235 THERE'S A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS CAUTION, EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE. 288 00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,571 BUT, OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE SELFIES 289 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:04,476 NEXT TO THE SIGN AND WIND UP FALLING INTO THE GRAT VOID. 290 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:07,112 THEY SHOULD PUT A RAIL THERE. NEXT. 291 00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:10,249 >> WHY DO GROWNUPS LIKE BEER? A FAIR QUESTION AND THANK YOU 292 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,852 FOR WEARING YOUR FORMAL T -SHIRT. HERE'S THE THING -- BEER DOESN'T 293 00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:17,890 TASTE GOOD BUT ADULTS SOMETIMES DRINK IT TO GAIN EXTRA WEIGHT 294 00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:22,494 WITHOUT THE RISK OF INGESTING ANY NUTRIENTS. 295 00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:31,570 WHO HAS ANOTHER QUESTION? >> HI, STEPHEN, WHAT'S YOUR 296 00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,872 FAVORITE HAT? >> PROBABLY THE SPECIAL ONE 297 00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:37,876 GIVEN TO ME BY QUEEN ELIZABETH. WHO PARTED? 298 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:41,480 GOOD ONE, LIZ. NEXT. 299 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:46,618 >> HOW MUCH TIME DOES IT TAKE FOR ONE TO ELECTROMAGNETICALLY 300 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:51,323 ATTACHED TO ADD PROTON? >> Stephen: IT'S A COMPLICATED 301 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,158 QUESTION, FELIX. OBVIOUSLY, I COULD ANSWER THAT 302 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:57,195 QUESTION OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD -- GLASSES -- BUT I FIGURED 303 00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,164 WHY NOT GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A SHOT. 304 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:07,839 TAKE IT AWAY WORLD RENOWN THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. 305 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:11,043 >> MUONS CAN ALMOST TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT WHICH IS THE 306 00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:13,245 FASTEST VELOCITY OF THE UNIVERSE. 307 00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:17,549 IF WE TAKE A SIZE OF A PROTON AND DIVIDE BY THE SPEED OF 308 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:21,553 LIGHT, WE GET THE TIME IT TAKES TO MOVE ACROSS A PROTON. 309 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:29,094 BINGO! THE FINAL ANSWER IS ONE TRILLION 310 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:33,465 TRILLIANTH OF A SECOND. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, DOCTOR. 311 00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:36,768 WHY DOG POOP SIDEWALK? >> Stephen: YET ANOTHER 312 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:42,341 COMPLICATED, INTRICATE QUESTION. SO, ONCE AGAIN, DOCTOR? 313 00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:45,477 >> THIS VERY QUESTION HAS BEEN PLAGUING THE SCIENTIFIC 314 00:20:45,544 --> 00:20:51,083 COMMUNITY FOR DECADE, BUT I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE I HAVE JUST 315 00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:53,385 CO-AUTHORED AN IMPORTANT RESEARCH PAPER POSING THE 316 00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:58,957 HYPOTHESIS THAT DOG POOP SIDEWALK SO THAT DOG DOESN'T 317 00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:02,027 POOP CARPET. >> Stephen: NEXT QUESTION. 318 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:06,331 IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL, WHERE AND WHEN WOULD YOU GO AND 319 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:08,567 WHY? >> Stephen: WELL, MASON, I'M 320 00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:13,005 PRETTY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW, SO I'D PROBABLY BAKE MYSELF A CAKE AND 321 00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:15,007 TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO DELIVER IT TO MYSELF. 322 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:19,077 BUT, OF COURSE, TIME TRAVEL ALWAYS HAS UNFORESEEN 323 00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:21,947 CONSEQUENCES, SO PROBABLY SHOULDN'T. 324 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,783 NEXT? >> WHY ARE DREAMS ALWAYS SO 325 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:25,917 WEIRD? >> Stephen: HMM... 326 00:21:25,984 --> 00:21:29,287 WELL, I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE DREAMS ARE WEIRD BUT 327 00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:31,490 MINE DON'T SEEM THAT WEIRD AT ALL. 328 00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:37,029 BUT THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE MY WAKING LIFE IS VERY, VERY WEIRD. 329 00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:39,431 THERE YOU ARE, STEPHEN. I TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO BRING 330 00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:41,767 YOU THIS CAKE WITH YOUR FACE ON IT. 331 00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:43,335 WOW! THANKS, STEVE! 332 00:21:43,402 --> 00:21:50,909 WE LOOK DELICIOUS! HEY, HAVE YOUR HANDS ALWAYS BEEN 333 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,078 HOOVES? AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. 334 00:21:53,145 --> 00:22:03,789 ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE 335 00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:07,592 LAST QUESTION. ( APPLAUSE ) 336 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,862 >> WHY SO MANY KIDS. >> Stephen: CHILDREN ARE 337 00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:13,598 EXTREMELY DELICIOUS AND BACK THEN THEY DIDN'T HAVE TACO BELL. 338 00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,968 WELL, KIDS, I HOPE THAT ANSWERED ALL YOUR QUESTIONS AND, PARENTS, 339 00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:21,773 IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO 340 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:27,913 SOCIAL MEDIA WITH #COLBERT KIDS QUESTIONS. 341 00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:29,581 AND WE MIGHT FEATURE IT NEXT TIME IN THE EPISODE OF -- 342 00:22:29,648 --> 00:22:32,184 >> STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING YOUR CHILDREN! 343 00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,653 >> Stephen: BACK WITH KRISTEN STEWART. 344 00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:57,976 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"! 345 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:06,218 FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM "TWILIGHT," "THE 346 00:23:06,284 --> 00:23:09,121 CLOUDS OF SILS MARIA" AND "HAPPIEST SEASON." 347 00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:14,726 SHE NOW STARS AS PRINCESS DIANA IN "SPENCER." 348 00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:17,395 >> THE BEST THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS SO FAR IS BEING WITH 349 00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:22,901 THE FAMILY, SO -- >> I SAID I WANTED THE TRUTH! 350 00:23:22,968 --> 00:23:25,203 SORRY, SIR. PRESENT, SIR. 351 00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:29,074 PRESENTS ARE THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS, SIR. 352 00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:38,416 >> NOT IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM. THAT'S TRUE. 353 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:42,053 SO, HARRY, THE BEST PART OF CHRISTMAS SO FAR AND I KNOW I'LL 354 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,223 GET THE TRUTH FROM YOU, SIR. >> WHEN YOU ARRIVE, MOMMY. 355 00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:47,626 THANK YOU, SIR. SIR. 356 00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:50,462 >> MAJOR WILLIAM TO SOLDIER DIANA, TELL THE MAJOR WHAT 357 00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:56,935 HAPPENED TO MAKE YOU SO SAD. >> SIR, TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN, 358 00:23:57,002 --> 00:23:57,869 SIR. >> SOLDIER. 359 00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:02,908 IR, THE PAST SIR. I THINK IT'S THE PRESENT, 360 00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:12,617 SOLDIER. >> I THINK IT'S IN THE FUTURE. 361 00:24:12,684 --> 00:24:14,853 >> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK 362 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,957 TO THE LATE SHOW, KRISTEN STEWART! 363 00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:32,838 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 364 00:24:32,904 --> 00:24:34,906 >> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER DANCED. 365 00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:37,175 >> WE'VE DONE SO MANY THINGS BUT NOT THAT. 366 00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:39,044 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK. 367 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:41,346 NICE TO SEE YOU. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. 368 00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:42,280 IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE. 369 00:24:42,347 --> 00:24:43,181 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: IS IT SOMETHING I 370 00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:46,952 SAID? >> IT WAS JUST A GENERAL VIBE. 371 00:24:47,018 --> 00:24:50,989 >> Stephen: ADMITTEDLY, TWO OF THE FIVE WERE CONSUMED BY GLOBAL 372 00:24:51,056 --> 00:24:52,924 PANDEMIC. HOW DID YOU RIDE IT OUT? 373 00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:56,027 A LOT OF PEOPLE TOOK UP NEW HOBBIES LIKE BAKING OR SOMETHING 374 00:24:56,094 --> 00:24:58,163 LIKE THAT. DID YOU DO ANYTHING NEW? 375 00:24:58,230 --> 00:25:01,299 HOW DID YOU ADJUST? >> GOSH, THERE WERE SO MANY 376 00:25:01,366 --> 00:25:04,936 WAVES OF ADJUSTING AND READJUSTING. 377 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:08,006 LET ME START AT THE TOP. I PROBABLY STARED AT A WALL, 378 00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:12,644 CRIED A BIT, WAS SCARED, DRANK TOO MUCH, GOT VERY HEALTHY, READ 379 00:25:12,711 --> 00:25:20,652 A LOT, MADE A SHORT FILM AND GO. I MADE A HOLE IN ONE 380 00:25:20,719 --> 00:25:22,787 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PAR THREE. 381 00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:26,291 THAT WAS LIKE A TEN-SECOND OCCURRENCE OVER THE COURSE. 382 00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:28,693 WHAT DID YOU DO IN YOUR PANDEMIC TIME? 383 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,497 I MADE A HOLE IN ONE. YOU'RE, LIKE, YOU'RE REALLY 384 00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:36,067 HIGHLIGHTING THE COOLEST ONE MOMENT OF YOUR EXPERIENCE. 385 00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:38,637 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE BEEN UP TO. 386 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:43,675 YOU SKIPPED BIG NEWS. YOU GOT ENGAGED. 387 00:25:43,742 --> 00:25:44,643 CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU. 388 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,112 >> Stephen: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 389 00:25:47,178 --> 00:25:51,883 HOW'S YOUR FIANCEÉ DILAN? NOW, IT'S VERY EXCITED TO GET 390 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:54,185 ENGAGED. THEN THERE'S AULD WEDDING 391 00:25:54,252 --> 00:25:56,888 PLANNING. ARE YOU IN THE DEPTHS OF THAT 392 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:58,690 BECAUSE THAT COULD BE CHALLENGING IN THE PANDEMIC, 393 00:25:58,757 --> 00:26:02,093 FINDING A SPACE, KNOWING WHEN TO SET A DATE, ALL THAT STUFF. 394 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,095 >> YEAH. I WANT TO HAVE, LIKE, A BIG 395 00:26:04,162 --> 00:26:09,034 PARTY OR SOMETHING. I'M SO UNCEREMONIAL. 396 00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:13,238 I THINK WE MIGHT JUST GO DO IT THIS WEEKEND OR SOMETHING. 397 00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:16,374 AND THEN JUST HANG OUT WITH EVERYONE AFTERWARDS. 398 00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:18,376 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. YEAH. 399 00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:21,579 I JUST WANT TO DO IT! >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE. 400 00:26:21,646 --> 00:26:23,882 THAT'S NICE. >> I'M NOT A GOOD PLANNER. 401 00:26:23,949 --> 00:26:26,551 I CAN'T MAKE PLANS. >> Stephen: OH, YEAH. 402 00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:30,155 I LIKE TO PIVOT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE I'M GOING, 403 00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:31,056 MAN. COME WITH ME. 404 00:26:31,122 --> 00:26:33,124 >> Stephen: I WILL. I WILL. 405 00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:37,295 DON'T INVITE ME TWICE. WE JUST SAW YOU A LITTLE CLIP 406 00:26:37,362 --> 00:26:41,766 THERE PLAYING PRINCESS DIANA IN SPENCER. 407 00:26:41,833 --> 00:26:45,804 IT'S A BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE. WAS IT DAUNTING TO TAKE THAT 408 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,340 KIND OF A ROLE? BECAUSE SHE'S SO WELL KNOWN. 409 00:26:48,406 --> 00:26:50,675 SHE'S BEEN PLAYED SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE. 410 00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:55,246 WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU WERE FIRST OFFERED THE PART? 411 00:26:55,313 --> 00:27:00,352 >> I WAS GENUINELY SURPRISED. IT'S KIND OF, IF YOU'RE GOING TO 412 00:27:00,418 --> 00:27:05,757 CHOOSE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE, I WOULDN'T GO FOR A 413 00:27:05,824 --> 00:27:09,427 KID FROM L.A. FIVE-FIVE WITH GREEN EYES AND HAVE A SHAVED 414 00:27:09,494 --> 00:27:11,863 HEAD AT THE TIME. IT DIDN'T REALLY MAKE A LOT OF 415 00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:15,667 SENSE TO ME. >> Stephen: WHEN THEY OFFERED 416 00:27:15,734 --> 00:27:19,037 YOU THE PART YOU HAD A SHAVED HEAD? 417 00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:22,507 >> I TOOK CHUNKS AND CHUNKS. I WO WORE A WIG IS THAT THAT'S E 418 00:27:22,574 --> 00:27:26,745 OTHER THING YOU DID OVER COVID. >> WORE A WIG? 419 00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:29,581 >> Stephen: FAKE CHUNKS OUT OF YOUR HAIR. 420 00:27:29,647 --> 00:27:30,648 >> WELL, THIS IS IS BORING. WE'RE ON TV. 421 00:27:30,715 --> 00:27:34,853 >> Stephen: I'M GRIPPED. NOTHING YOU'VE SAID SO FAR 422 00:27:34,919 --> 00:27:38,890 HASN'T INTERESTED ME. >> THAT DESERVES A ROUND OF 423 00:27:38,957 --> 00:27:40,191 APPLAUSE. ( APPLAUSE ) 424 00:27:40,258 --> 00:27:42,994 >> Stephen: SO, AGAIN, YOU'RE OFFERED THE PART, AND HOW DO YOU 425 00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:47,632 PREPARE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? >> WELL, I JUST THINK THERE 426 00:27:47,699 --> 00:27:51,603 WOULD BE NO VERSION OF GETTING IT PERFECT OR RIGHT. 427 00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:56,708 I DON'T EVEN THINK AT LEAST REALLY A VERSION OF DOING A GOOD 428 00:27:56,775 --> 00:27:58,476 JOB. IT'S LIKE DOING YOUR JOB AND 429 00:27:58,543 --> 00:28:03,048 GETTING AS CLOSE TO SOMEONE PERSONALLY AND ABSORBING THEIR 430 00:28:03,114 --> 00:28:05,717 SPIRIT AND ENERGY AND TRANSFORMIC THAT INTO A 431 00:28:05,784 --> 00:28:08,987 DIFFERENT FORMAT WHICH IS A PIECE OF ART AND NOT REAL LIFE, 432 00:28:09,054 --> 00:28:12,957 AND I JUST LOVED HER AND I THOUGHT, THERE'S EVERY REASON -- 433 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:16,728 SHE'S BEGGING TO BE SPOKEN ABOUT, AND JUMPED ON. 434 00:28:16,795 --> 00:28:20,231 AND I JUST THINK, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SO MANY VERSIONS OF THIS 435 00:28:20,298 --> 00:28:25,737 STORY RIGHT NOW IS WE KIND OF NEED HER. 436 00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:27,639 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT 437 00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:29,808 BACK WITH MORE KRISTEN STEWART, EVERYBODY. 438 00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:30,608 STICK AROUND. 439 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,321 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH KRISTEN STEWART, 440 00:28:43,388 --> 00:28:51,696 STAR OF THE NEW FILM "SPENCER." NOW, YOUR PERFORMANCE HAS 441 00:28:51,763 --> 00:28:54,032 GARNERED A LOT OF PRAISE, LEADING TO SPECULATION ABOUT 442 00:28:54,099 --> 00:28:55,600 AWARD SEASON, THAT SORT OF THING. 443 00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:58,670 I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH, LIKE, AWARDS CAMPAIGNS. 444 00:28:58,736 --> 00:29:05,477 I UNDERSTAND, LIKE, BASICALLY THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE GENERAL 445 00:29:05,543 --> 00:29:07,545 GENERALLY CONSIDERED TO BE THE FRONTRUNNERS IN A YEAR HAVE TO 446 00:29:07,612 --> 00:29:11,182 DO EVENTS, MEETING THE VOTERS, THAT SORT OF THING. 447 00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:13,551 IS THAT FUN OR MORE LIKE A CATTLE CALL? 448 00:29:13,618 --> 00:29:17,789 ( LAUGHTER ) NO, REALLY, IT'S PART OF THE 449 00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:20,992 BUSINESS OF SHOW BUSINESS. DO YOU HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH FUN 450 00:29:21,059 --> 00:29:23,361 PEOPLE, LIKE THE OTHER ACTRESSES? 451 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:25,597 >> YEAH, AND THEY'RE REALLY COOL. 452 00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:27,866 >> Stephen: ANYBODY YOU PARTICULARLY ENJOY HANGING OUT 453 00:29:27,932 --> 00:29:32,770 WITH? >> I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH 454 00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:35,840 KIRSTEN DUNST FOR YEARS AND IT'S BEEN FUN TO SEE HER MORE THAN I 455 00:29:35,907 --> 00:29:38,910 NORMALLY WOULD. AND I SPOKE TO NICOLE KIDMAN 45 456 00:29:38,977 --> 00:29:43,281 MINUTES ON A ZOOM CALL. AND SHE SENT ME FLOWERS AND I 457 00:29:43,348 --> 00:29:45,783 WAS, LIKE, OH, MY GOD! >> Stephen: SHE SENT YOU 458 00:29:45,850 --> 00:29:49,020 FLOWERS AFTER THE CONVERSATION? >> BECAUSE SHE HAD A GREAT TIME. 459 00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:54,125 >> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD CONVERSATION. 460 00:29:54,192 --> 00:29:56,628 ( APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH. 461 00:29:56,694 --> 00:30:00,231 WE WORK TOGETHER, ACTUALLY, YEARS AGO AND SHE HAD TO DROP 462 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:03,067 OUT OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE SHE INJURED HERSELF AND SHE WAS 463 00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:06,204 GOING TO BE IN A PANIC ROOM. >> Stephen: SHE WAS JODIE 464 00:30:06,271 --> 00:30:10,108 FOSTER IN PANIC ROOM. >> YEAH, WE REHEARSED FOR WEEKS. 465 00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:12,610 IN MY MEMORY WHICH WAS A LONG TIME AGO. 466 00:30:12,677 --> 00:30:15,547 I WAS VERY TINY. >> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU 467 00:30:15,613 --> 00:30:16,848 THEN? >> TEN. 468 00:30:16,915 --> 00:30:21,419 I TURNED ELEVEN ON THE MOVIE. JODIE FOSTER GOT ME A M MARIACHI 469 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,856 BAND ON MY FIRTH DAY. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 470 00:30:24,923 --> 00:30:27,058 I CAME HERE TO BRAG A LOT. ( LAUGHER ) 471 00:30:27,125 --> 00:30:34,132 >> Stephen: YOU WERE IN "CRIMES IN THE FUTURE" WITH 472 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:40,405 FEELINGO MORTENSEN -- VIGGO MORTENSEN. 473 00:30:40,471 --> 00:30:42,707 ARE YOU A FAN OF LORD OF THE RINGS? 474 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:46,945 >> I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON HIM. >> Stephen: I HAVE A HUGE 475 00:30:47,011 --> 00:30:50,348 CRUSH ON VIGGO. I'M NOT ALONE. 476 00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:51,849 >> MY GIRLFRIEND IS IN LOVE WITH HIM. 477 00:30:51,916 --> 00:30:55,153 I GOT TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. >> Stephen: YOU'VE ALREADY 478 00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:57,989 MADE OUT WITH HIM? >> YEAH, AND NOW I'M TRYING TO 479 00:30:58,056 --> 00:31:00,858 MAKE YOU JEALOUS ( APPLAUSE ) 480 00:31:00,925 --> 00:31:07,332 >> Stephen: VIGGO HAS BEEN IN MY SHOWER. 481 00:31:07,398 --> 00:31:09,200 >> IS THAT TRUE? >> Stephen: YEAH, THERE'S A 482 00:31:09,267 --> 00:31:13,571 STORY BEHIND THAT ONE, AND I GOT FLOWERS. 483 00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:14,439 >> GOOD. I BELIEVE YOU. 484 00:31:14,505 --> 00:31:16,374 THIS DOESN'T SOUND MADE UP AT ALL. 485 00:31:16,441 --> 00:31:24,382 >> Stephen: NO, NOT AT ALL. NOW, YOUR FIANCEÉ DYLAN, IS SHE 486 00:31:24,449 --> 00:31:27,285 FAN OF LORD OF THE RINGS? >> SHE'S OBSESSED. 487 00:31:27,352 --> 00:31:31,556 YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. WHEN I WAS TALKING TO YOUR 488 00:31:31,623 --> 00:31:34,559 SEGMENT PRODUCER WHICH I HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS, WE TALKED FOR A 489 00:31:34,626 --> 00:31:37,362 LONG TIME, I JUST FOUND A LOT OF OVERLAP. 490 00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:41,199 >> Stephen: WOW. O THE LORD OF THE THINGS 491 00:31:41,266 --> 00:31:44,035 THING, DO YOU LIKE A LOT OF OTHER FANCY THINGS, TOO. 492 00:31:44,102 --> 00:31:46,938 >> Stephen: SURE. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I DID NOT 493 00:31:47,005 --> 00:31:49,340 STUDY, I READ FANTASY AND SCIENCE FICTION. 494 00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:52,777 BARELY, BARELY GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL. 495 00:31:52,844 --> 00:31:56,748 ( APPLAUSE ) KIDS, DON'T STUDY! 496 00:31:56,814 --> 00:32:01,552 ( LAUGHTER ) CAN I SAY THAT I REALLY LOVE 497 00:32:01,619 --> 00:32:06,124 YOUR GERNICA INK THERE. THIS IS GREAT. 498 00:32:06,190 --> 00:32:11,562 DO YOU MIND IF I ASK WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU TO USE THAT PART OF 499 00:32:11,629 --> 00:32:15,133 THE PAINTING BY PICASSO? >> IT WAS THE FIRST PIECE OF ART 500 00:32:15,199 --> 00:32:19,203 I SAW IN PERSON THAT MADE ME CRY, AND I WAS REALLY LITTLE IN 501 00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:24,509 SPAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I WAS JUST, LIKE -- IT WAS THE ONE 502 00:32:24,575 --> 00:32:28,446 PIECE OF A VERY DARK PAINTING THAT FELT LIKE JUST KEEP THAT 503 00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:30,815 LIGHT ON, YOU KNOW. YEAH, SWEET. 504 00:32:30,882 --> 00:32:41,826 AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING. TO ASK ABOUT YOUR TATTOOS -- I 505 00:32:41,893 --> 00:32:46,164 HAVE RIDICULOUSLY BAD TATTOOS SO I'M GLAD YOU ASK ABOUT THE ONE 506 00:32:46,230 --> 00:32:48,700 GOOD ONE I HAVE. >> Stephen: YOU CAUGHT MY EYE. 507 00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:52,136 GOOD TO SEE █YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 508 00:32:52,203 --> 00:32:53,404 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST GO DO IT. 509 00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:56,274 >> JUST DO IT >> STEPHEN: "SPENCER" IS NOW 510 00:32:56,341 --> 00:32:57,508 AVAILABLE ON DEMAND. KRISTEN STEWART, EVERYBODY WE'LL 511 00:32:57,575 --> 00:33:01,446 BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "QUEER EYE," JONATHAN VAN NESS. 512 00:33:18,029 --> 00:33:22,233 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 513 00:33:22,300 --> 00:33:28,840 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS AN AUTHOR, 514 00:33:28,906 --> 00:33:32,510 COMEDIAN AND A HAIRSTYLIST YOU KNOW FROM 515 00:33:32,577 --> 00:33:34,112 "QUEER EYE." HIS NEW SHOW IS GETTING CURIOUS 516 00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:36,848 WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE 517 00:33:36,914 --> 00:33:41,519 SHOW, JONATHAN VAN NESS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 518 00:33:41,586 --> 00:33:55,166 ( BAND PLAYING ) ER 519 00:33:55,233 --> 00:33:58,169 >> Stephen: COME HERE. 520 00:33:58,236 --> 00:34:02,774 LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> Stephen: WHAT'S UP, JVN. 521 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,177 WELL, I HAVE TO SAY, I ALMOST HAD A BREAKDOWN WHEN KRISTEN 522 00:34:06,244 --> 00:34:08,846 STEWART LITERALLY MENTIONED THE PANIC ROOM. 523 00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:12,683 NICOLE KIDMAN WAS ALMOST -- >> Stephen: NICOLE KIDMAN 524 00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:16,354 ALMOST PLAYED THE LEAD PART BUT SHE GOT INJURED IN THE FIRST TWO 525 00:34:16,421 --> 00:34:20,825 WEEKS OF DOING "THE PANIC ROOM." >> BUT DO YOU KNOW I REFERENCE 526 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:23,227 THIS MOVIE LIKE THREE TIMES A WEEK? 527 00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:24,829 >> Stephen: I DID NOT. OH, MY GOD. 528 00:34:24,896 --> 00:34:30,768 IT'S SUCH A CLASSIC. I WASN'T READY FOR "THE PANIC 529 00:34:30,835 --> 00:34:32,437 ROOM REFERENCE." >> NO, THE VILLAIN IS REALLY 530 00:34:32,503 --> 00:34:36,073 MEAN IN THAT MOVIE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO PLAY 531 00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:39,076 THE NICOLE KIDMAN JODIE FOSTER PART. 532 00:34:39,143 --> 00:34:42,046 >> OOOH! >> Stephen: COME ON, YOU COULD 533 00:34:42,113 --> 00:34:45,082 PANIC, COULDN'T YOU? >> IS THERE MOUTHWASH IN THIS 534 00:34:45,149 --> 00:34:46,751 ROOM? BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO HAVE SUGAR. 535 00:34:46,818 --> 00:34:51,189 >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I'M SORRY. 536 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:56,527 THAT WAS A GOOD REFERENCE. SUGAR FREE MOUTHWASH. 537 00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,896 >> BECAUSE I'M DIABETIC! >> Stephen: THANKS FOR 538 00:34:58,963 --> 00:35:01,933 STOPPING BY. HOW ARE YOU? 539 00:35:01,999 --> 00:35:03,568 ( APPLAUSE ) IT IS LOVE NIGHT HERE ON THE 540 00:35:03,634 --> 00:35:08,506 "LATE SHOW" BECAUSE WE HAD AN ENGAGEMENT WITH KRISTEN STEWART. 541 00:35:08,573 --> 00:35:10,875 YOU GOT MARRIED SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU. 542 00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,910 >> I DID, I DID, I DID. THANK YOU! 543 00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:16,347 >> Stephen: I WAS MARRIED. HOW ARE YOU LIKING IT? 544 00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:20,017 IT'S COMFY, ISN'T IT? >> I GOT PANDEMIC MARRIED. 545 00:35:20,084 --> 00:35:22,353 >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A SHINDIG OR -- 546 00:35:22,420 --> 00:35:28,092 >> OH, NO, HONEY, IT'S IN THE BACKYARD, A JUDGE, MY HUSBAND, 547 00:35:28,159 --> 00:35:31,362 ME, THE FOUR CATS. >> Stephen: RING BEARER CAT. 548 00:35:31,429 --> 00:35:34,365 THEY COULDN'T GO OUTSIDE, YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM TO GO OUTSIDE. 549 00:35:34,432 --> 00:35:37,235 THY ARE FIRMLY INDOOR CATS. >> Stephen: YEAH. 550 00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:43,040 YOU, ARE YOU AN INDOOR CAT? >> NO, I GO IN AND OUT. 551 00:35:43,107 --> 00:35:47,445 I WISH I WAS AN INDOOR CAT. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW 552 00:35:47,512 --> 00:35:48,546 SHOW, "GETTING CURIOUS WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS." 553 00:35:48,613 --> 00:35:50,448 WHAT ARE YOU CURIOUS ABOUT. >> I'M TAKING A WHAT'S THE 554 00:35:50,515 --> 00:35:55,253 HISTORY OF IT, WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW, AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA 555 00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:57,455 DO? THAT'S KIND OF EACH EPISODE. 556 00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:00,858 IT'S A LITTLE LIKE CHRISTMAS STORY IN THAT SENSE, YOU KNOW, 557 00:36:00,925 --> 00:36:04,095 PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE. IS THAT WHAT THE GHOST OF 558 00:36:04,161 --> 00:36:07,798 CHRISTMAS STORY ARE? >> Stephen: CHRISTMAS CAROL. 559 00:36:07,865 --> 00:36:09,467 YEAH. >> Stephen: CHRISTMAS CAROL. 560 00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:15,773 CHRISTMAS STORY IS A LAMP AND DRINK MORE OVALTINE. 561 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,442 ( APPLAUSE ) SO YOU DID AN EPISODE ABOUT THE 562 00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:19,544 GENDER BINARY. >> YEAH. 563 00:36:19,610 --> 00:36:21,012 >> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE. 564 00:36:21,078 --> 00:36:23,614 IS THERE ANYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE GO TO THE CLIP? 565 00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:28,352 >> JUST TO ENJOY AND HAVE FUN. >> Stephen: OKAY. 566 00:36:28,419 --> 00:36:30,321 JIM. >> WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT NOW IS 567 00:36:30,388 --> 00:36:34,358 PEOPLE WILL EXCEPTIONALLIZE US AND SAY, WELL, YOU'RE SO BRAVE, 568 00:36:34,425 --> 00:36:38,429 YOU'RE SO RESILIENT, BUT WHY SHOULD IT HAVE TO REQUIRE 569 00:36:38,496 --> 00:36:42,667 BRAVERY TO DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS WALKING DOWN THE 570 00:36:42,733 --> 00:36:44,702 STREET? WHY SHOULD IT REQUIRE BRAVERY TO 571 00:36:44,769 --> 00:36:47,972 LIVE LIFE ON YOUR OWN TERMS? WE EXIST AND THAT'S NOT 572 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:52,109 POLITICAL, IT'S FACTUAL. WE EXIST AND THAT'S NATURAL. 573 00:36:52,176 --> 00:36:57,615 WHAT IS POLITICAL IS MAKING PEOPLE FIT INTO BOXES THAT WERE 574 00:36:57,682 --> 00:37:00,851 PREDETERMINED HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO. 575 00:37:00,918 --> 00:37:11,262 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT WAS MY VERY DEAR FRIEND, 576 00:37:11,329 --> 00:37:14,398 AND SUCH A TEACHER. REALLY I THINK ONE OF THE 577 00:37:14,465 --> 00:37:17,101 DEFINING VOICES OF OUR TIME. SO EXCITED THEY WERE ABLE TO BE 578 00:37:17,168 --> 00:37:20,838 ON THE SHOW AND THAT EPISODE IS ABOUT GENDER AND IT'S A FULL 579 00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:24,041 EXPLORATION OF WHAT IS THE HISTORY OF THE GENDER BINARY, 580 00:37:24,108 --> 00:37:27,545 HAVE WE IN FACT ALWAYS BEEN DOING ALL THIS STUFF, AND IT'S A 581 00:37:27,612 --> 00:37:32,083 REALLY INTERESTING EPISODE. AND IT GETS -- WE GO DEEP. 582 00:37:32,149 --> 00:37:35,853 IT GETS REAL. THEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BUGS. 583 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:41,459 YOU KNOW, THERE'S BUGS, SKYSCRAPERS, FIGURE SKATING. 584 00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:44,862 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU TALK ABOUT ESPECIALLY IN TIMES OF 585 00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:47,765 GREAT STRESS HAVING TO FIND POCKETS OF JOY. 586 00:37:47,832 --> 00:37:51,569 I'M CURIOUS, WHAT'S GIVING YOU THE POCKETS OF JOY RIGHT NOW? 587 00:37:51,636 --> 00:37:54,038 >> OH, MY GOSH, I NEVER SAW THIS COMING. 588 00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:57,608 IT'S VERY OFFBRAND. I BECAME OBSESSED WITH GARDENING 589 00:37:57,675 --> 00:38:00,811 BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS BRITISH AND THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH 590 00:38:00,878 --> 00:38:01,846 GARDENING. >> Stephen: SURE. 591 00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:05,249 NOW I'M REALLY INTENSELY IN LOVE WITH GARDENING. 592 00:38:05,316 --> 00:38:08,853 >> Stephen: IS THIS DECORATIVE OR VEGETABLE? 593 00:38:08,919 --> 00:38:12,890 >> OH, NO, VEG. NEWS FLASH, HOT TAKE, DO YOU 594 00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:16,360 KNOW VEGETABLES AND FRUITS, THERE'S A FLOWER -- 595 00:38:16,427 --> 00:38:19,764 >> Stephen: YES. ( LAUGHTER ) 596 00:38:19,830 --> 00:38:20,998 >> OH. I DIDN'T KNOW. 597 00:38:21,065 --> 00:38:25,436 ONCE I FIGURED OUT THERE WAS FLOWERS I WAS, LIKE, THESE ARE 598 00:38:25,503 --> 00:38:27,638 GORGEOUS. >> Stephen: IT IS FUN TO SEE 599 00:38:27,705 --> 00:38:31,208 THAT BEAUTIFUL FLOWER TURN INTO A ZUCCHINI. 600 00:38:31,275 --> 00:38:33,477 >> PUMPKINS AND WATERMELONS. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE 601 00:38:33,544 --> 00:38:37,014 TROUBLE? WE HAD TO PUT A RABBIT-PROOF 602 00:38:37,081 --> 00:38:41,719 FENCE AROUND OUR VEGETABLE AREA BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T A 603 00:38:41,786 --> 00:38:43,888 RODENT CHARITY. GET OUT OF MY CARROTS. 604 00:38:43,954 --> 00:38:45,956 DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE PESTS? 605 00:38:46,023 --> 00:38:50,494 >> I KNEW WHERE YOU WERE GOING AND I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY FACE -- 606 00:38:50,561 --> 00:38:54,765 YES, EWE DO. I HAVE A CHIPMUNK PROBLEM, A 607 00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:58,369 SQUASH BORE VINE MOTH PROBLEM. >> Stephen: A CHIPMUNK 608 00:38:58,436 --> 00:39:00,705 PROBLEM? >> YEAH. 609 00:39:00,771 --> 00:39:04,075 >> Stephen: IT IS HARD TO BE A - ALVIN AND HIS DUMB BROTHERS. 610 00:39:04,141 --> 00:39:08,179 >> Stephen: YES. MURDERED MY WATERMELONS AND 611 00:39:08,245 --> 00:39:09,914 PUMPKINS. >> Stephen: EYE FOR AN EYE? 612 00:39:09,980 --> 00:39:15,319 I ACTUALLY HAVE A WHOLE SET ABOUT THIS IN MY NEW SHOW, BUT I 613 00:39:15,386 --> 00:39:18,422 TURNED INTO UMMA THURMAN IN KILL BILL. 614 00:39:18,489 --> 00:39:20,825 I WAS IN ALL BLACK IN THE BACKYARD. 615 00:39:20,891 --> 00:39:24,128 I WAS READY TO LINE UP THIS CHIPMUNK FAMILY -- 616 00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:27,765 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT 617 00:39:27,832 --> 00:39:32,103 GARDENING -- BECAUSE I'M NONBINARY. 618 00:39:32,169 --> 00:39:35,539 SOME BINARY PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, I FEEL BETWEEN OR NEITHER. 619 00:39:35,606 --> 00:39:37,842 I ALWAYS FELT A LITTLE BIT NEITHER. 620 00:39:37,908 --> 00:39:43,781 BUT IF I HAD TO IDENTIFY A PIECE OF, LIKE, MY RURAL INDIANA 621 00:39:43,848 --> 00:39:46,317 PRIMAL MAN RAGE -- >> Stephen: THERE'S PLENTY OF 622 00:39:46,383 --> 00:39:48,819 THAT THERE. >> THERE'S 3 PERCENT. 623 00:39:48,886 --> 00:39:52,757 IT TITRATES, IT'S VERY SMALL, BUT WHEN I GARDEN, I FEEL IT. 624 00:39:52,823 --> 00:39:54,825 I DO. >> Stephen: THE INDIANA FARMER 625 00:39:54,892 --> 00:39:57,895 COMES OUT! THE CROPS MUST COME IN FOR THE 626 00:39:57,962 --> 00:39:58,963 WINTER! >> I'M HUNGRY! 627 00:39:59,029 --> 00:40:01,165 >> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THE VEGGIES. 628 00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:04,835 > THANKS FOR HAVING ME SO MUCH. >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU 629 00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:06,337 AGAIN. >> WATCH "GETTING CURIOUS WITH 630 00:40:06,403 --> 00:40:07,705 JONATHAN VAN NESS" STREAMING ON IN EFFECT JANUARY 28 SNOG 631 00:40:07,772 --> 00:40:08,639 "GETTING CURIOUS WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS" WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS 632 00:40:08,706 --> 00:40:10,841 THIS FRIDAY. JONATHAN VAN NESS, EVERYBODY. 633 00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:11,675 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 634 00:40:16,313 --> 00:40:17,648 >> STEPHEN: GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 635 00:40:17,715 --> 00:40:21,085 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JOY REID AND THOMAS 636 00:40:21,152 --> 00:40:23,120 MIDDLEDITCH. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 637 00:40:23,187 --> 00:40:23,854 GOODNIGHT.