FOR PELOTON IN A FICTIONAL
TELEVISION SHOW. THIS TIME ON THE SEASON SIX
PREMIERE OF "BILLIONS," A CHARACTER ON THE SHOW SUFFERED A
HEART ATTACK AFTER RIDING A PELOTON BIKE.
REMEMBER, LAST MONTH, PELOTON SHARES PLUNGED WHEN MR. BIG DIED
AFTER RIDING A PELOTON IN THE "SEX IN THE CITY" SPINOFF SERIES
"AND JUST LIKE THAT."
♪♪
>> ALL RIGHT, DADDY PIG, TIME TO TRY YOUR NEW PELOTON BIKE!
>> BUT ISN'T THAT THE THING ON TV GIVING PEOPLE HEART ATTACKS?
>> WHAT COULD GO WRONG? I'M LITERALLY MADE OF THE THING
CARDIOLOGISTS TELL YOU NOT TO EAT.
THIS EXERCISE BICYCLE WILL GET ME OUT OF MY RUT IN NO TIME.
>> OR ME OUT OF THIS FAILED MARRIAGE.
>> WHAT'S THAT? I SAID, UM, PRETEND YOU ARE
PULLING A CARRIAGE. >> AH, YES, VISUALIZATION.
GREAT SUGGESTION. ( PANTING )
>> WHY IS DADDY PIG BREATHING SO HARD?
>> BECAUSE MOMMY PIG RECENTLY SPOTTED DADDY PIG'S CAR PARKED
OVER AT MADAM GAZELLE'S HOUSE. ( GRUNTING )
>> THE PELOTON KILLED DADDY! NONSENSE!
I POISONED HIS COFFEE!
( THEME SONG PLAYS ) >> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT:
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KRISTEN STEWART AND JONATHAN VAN NESS,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HELLO!
THANK YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
WELCOME. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I JUST WANT TO START BY SAYING
EVERYONE CALM DOWN. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC. THE IMPENDING DISASTER WE ALL
WORRIED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN RESOLVED, BECAUSE ALL
MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ACCOUNTED FOR AFTER A TRUCK WITH 100 MONKEYS
CRASHED. SHOO!
THANK THE LORD! THEY GOT ALL 100 MONKEYS THANKS,
PRESUMABLY, TO 100 MEN IN 100 YELLOW HATS.
ONE IMAGINES, WE DON'T KNOW, THE DETAILS ARE SKETCHY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A PICKUP TRUCK PULLING A TRAILER
TRANSPORTING 100 MONKEYS TO, WHO KNOWS?
SIX FLAGS? GOT OFF I-80 IN PENNSYLVANIA,
THEN IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO GET BACK ON, AT WHICH TIME IT WAS
HIT ON THE PASSENGER SIDE BY A DUMP TRUCK, TEARING OFF THE
FRONT PANEL OF THE TRAILER AND SENDING MORE THAN A DOZEN CRATES
TUMBLING OUT. SO, FLYING MONKEYS DO EXIST.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ALL FINE.
THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION -- FLY! FLY!
FLY, MY PRETTIES! ( LAUGHTER )
I AUDITIONED. I DIDN'T GET THE PART.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION ARE
THE CRAB-EATING MACAQUE. SO, OFFICERS WERE ABLE TO TRACK
THEM DOWN BY STAKING OUT PARTICIPATING RED LOBSTER
LOCATIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THEY LOVE CHEDDAR-BAY BISCUITS.
THEY LOVE 'EM! RIDE IT, BABY, RIDE IT!
THERE IS ONE SMALLER STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE.
RUSSIA CONTINUES TO AMASS TROOPS ALONG THE UKRAINE BORDER, SO
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS CONSIDERING DEPLOYING THOUSANDS OF TROOPS TO
EASTERN EUROPE ND THE BALTICS. THAT HEADLINE READS WAY TOO MUCH
LIKE A GAME OF RISK. LET'S HAVE SOME THAT SOUND LIKE
WE'RE PLAYING A NICER BOARD GAME, LIKE:
HIPPO HUNGER REMAIN INSATIABLE OR NEW YORK CITY'S BIGGEST
LANDLORD: THIS THIMBLE. IT'S NOT JUST AMERICA.
DENMARK IS DEPLOYING F-16 WARPLANES TO LITHUANIA, FRANCE
STANDS READY TO SEND TROOPS TO ROMANIA.
SPAIN IS SENDING FOUR FIGHTER JETS TO BULGARIA.
YES, SPANISH FIGHTER JETS. YOU CAN SEE THEM IN ACTION IN
THE MOVIE, "TAPAS GUN." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YOU CAN SHARE 'EM!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE FOR THE WHOLE TABLE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. >> St>> Stephen: IRELAND.
IRELAND ALSO CHIPPED IN. RUSSIA WAS PLANNING TO
HOLDS WAR GAMES 240 KILOMETERS OFF IRELAND'S SOUTHWEST COAST,
BUT IRELAND WARNED THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME.
YEAH, RUSSIA. DON'T MESS WITH THE IRISH.
YOU ANGER MY PEOPLE, AND WE'LL WRITE A FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU AND
SERVE YOU A BOILED MEAT. ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHY'S PUTIN DOING THIS? WELL, ON SATURDAY, BRITAIN
ACCUSED MOSCOW OF DEVELOPING PLANS TO INSTALL A PRO -RUSSIAN
LEADER IN UKRAINE. OH, UKRAINE, YOU DON'T WANT
THAT. WE JUST GOT RID OF OUR
PRO-RUSSIAN LEADER, AND HE WAS A DISASTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
DESPITE NATO'S MILITARY BUILD UP, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS
NOT GIVEN UP ON A DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION, ACCORDING TO
SECRETARY OF STATE AND NON-SPEAKING ROLE IN A VIAGRA
COMMERCIAL, ANTONY BLINKEN. BLINKEN WAS ON 'MEET THE TODD'
YESTERDAY AND SAID THERE IS STILL AT LEAST SOME
BACK-AND-FORTH BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE US AND NATO.
>> WE STARTED THIS EFFORT OF DIPLOMACY AND DIALOGUE ABOUT 10
DAYS AGO. IN THE COURSE OF THAT, RUSSIA
HAS PUT SOME IDEAS ON THE TABLE IN WRITING TO BOTH THE UNITED
STATES AND NATO. >> YES, RUSSIA HAS PUT SOME
IDEAS, UH, IN WRITING, I THINK, UH, WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT
PROPOSAL. (RUSSIAN ACCENT)
WE TAKE UKRAINE? CHECK YES OR WE TAKE ANYWAY.
( APPLAUSE ) LOOK -- YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE,
CRIMEA, YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE, WE TAKE, WE TAKE...
( PIANO RIFF ) THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOU FORMER
PRESIDENT GOLD YELLER. LAST WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT
REJECTED HIS REQUEST TO KEEP CERTAIN DOCUMENTS SECRET FROM
THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE, AND NOW WE'RE FINDING OUT WHY HE
WANTED TO HIDE THEM SO BADLY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
( SNARLING ) >> STEPHEN: EXACTLY WHAT YOU
THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED.
BRACE YOURSELVES, 'CUZ ON FRIDAY, THE COMMITTEE RECEIVED
A DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER FROM DECEMBER 16, 2020 THAT WOULD
HAVE DIRECTED THE DEFENSE SECRETARY TO SEIZE VOTING
MACHINES. IN AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTURN THE
ELECTION, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED THE MILITARY TO SEIZE THE
VOTING MACHINES. THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN
US AND AN AUTHORITARIAN TAKEOVER WOULD'VE BEEN ELDERLY POLL
WORKERS. (AS SENIOR)
LOOKING AT MY BINDER, I DON'T SEE A REGISTRATION FOR 'FASCIST
JUNTA.'. PLEASE STEP TO THE SIDE, OR I'LL
GUT YOU -- PLEASE STEP ASIDE, PLEASE -- DORIS, DORIS!
I'LL ASK. DORIS, DO YOU HAVE A JUNTA COMMA
FASCIST? WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR MASK
ON? PLEASE PUT A MASK ON.
DORIS, IT'S GOTTA BE UNDER J, 'CUZ IT'S NOT UNDER F.
IT MIGHT BE A MINUTE, THERE'S A BAKE SALE.
THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD'VE TURNED THE WHOLE ELECTION OVER TO THE
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, GIVING THEM 60 DAYS TO WRITE AN ASSESSMENT
OF THE 2020 ELECTION. NO DOUBT THAT ASSESSMENT
WOULD'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY TOP MILITARY ELECTION ANALYST
GENERAL M.Y. PILLOW. ( APPLAUSE )
A TRUE STORY! TRUE STORY!
IS THIS GETTING THROUGH TO EVERYONE HERE THAT HE WAS GOING
TO MILITARIZE THE ELECTION AND SEIZE THE VOTES?
THAT 60 DAYS WAS PART OF A DESPERATE STALLING TACTIC
TO KEEP THE EX-PRESIDENT IN POWER UNTIL AT LEAST
MID-FEBRUARY OF 2021. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
MAN, HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO RUIN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW WOULD THE PRESIDENT EVEN
EVER HAVE POWER TO SEND THE MILITARY IN TO HALT A FREE AND
FAIR ELECTION COUNT? WE HAVE NO IDEA.
BECAUSE THE DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER CITES TWO CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS: NATIONAL SECURITY PRESIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM 13,
WHICH WE KNEW ABOUT, AND MEMORANDUM 21, THE EXISTENCE OF
HAS NOT BEEN PREVIOUSLY REPORTED.
QUITE A WAY TO LEARN THAT SECRET.
IT'S LIKE GETTING A CARD FROM YOUR PARENTS:
HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY LOVE, MOM, DAD, AND ACTUAL DAD.
( APPLAUSE ) HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR DAD.
>> Jon: THAT'S TOUGH. >> Stephen: THAT IS.
THAT'S TOUGH. IN PANDEMIC NEWS, WE MIGHT SOON
GET TO FOCUS ON SOME OTHER KIND OF NEWS.
BECAUSE, AFTER WEEKS OF SURGING CASES,
OMICRON CASES APPEAR TO HAVE PEAKED IN THE U.S.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO-HOO!
THE CASES ARE GOING DOWN. I'M SO EXCITED.
I ALMOST FORGET HOW MANY TIMES IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS I'VE SAID
THE PHRASE "WOO-HOO THE CASES ARE GOING
DOWN." CASES HAVE FALLEN HERE IN NEW
YORK, AS WELL AS IN COLORADO, LOUISIANA, MASSACHUSETTS,
PENNSYLVANIA, AND FLORIDA. IN FACT, FLORIDA JUST REPORTED
ITS FIRST CONFIRMED CASE OF SOMEONE WITHOUT COVID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE OMICRON
WOODS YET. AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT
"IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO NOT BE LIKE, 'OH, IT'S OVER,',
IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL WE GET BACK DOWN TO A LULL."
AH, YES, A LULL. FAMOUSLY, WHEN SOMETHING IS
COMPLETELY OVER. WELL, IT APPEARS WE'VE REACHED A
LULL IN THE ZOMBIE ATTACK. LET'S ALL PUT DOWN OUR WEAPONS
AND REST OUR DELICIOUS HEADS HERE FOR A NAP IN THE CEMETERY.
EVEN THOUGH OMICRON CASES ARE GOING DOWN, HOSPITALS ARE STILL
SLAMMED. IN FACT, SOME ARE ASKING WORKERS
WITH COVID TO RETURN, EVEN IF THEY MAY BE INFECTIOUS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. (AS DOCTOR, CHECKING CLIPBOARD)
ALRIGHT, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, DIZZINESS AND CONSTANT DIARRHEA.
OK, WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS, SIR? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S ME, I'M THE
DOCTOR AND I -- >> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HOSPITALS MAY HAVE NO CHOICE.
THEY NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK BECAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY FACING
CRITICAL STAFFING SHORTAGES. FINE.
WE JUST NEED TO ATTRACT NEW HEALTHCARE WORKERS.
(BAGS POTS AND PANS) COME HERE, NURSES YOU LIKE THIS,
RIGHT? WE USED TO DO THIS!
HEY, NURSEY NURSEY NURSEY! THAT'S WHY WE BANGED THEM LAST
YEAR, RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT THE GUYS IN THE SOUND BOOTH REALLY LOVE?
THIS! ( LAUGHTER )
YOU GOT THAT, PIERRE? YOU GOT THAT.
>> Jon: OH, PIERRE, MAN! ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: SOMEBODY JUST QUIT IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
THERE YOU GO. THE C.D.C. GUIDANCE ON THIS IS A
LITTLE FUZZY. THEY SAY HEALTH CARE WORKERS WHO
TEST POSITIVE CAN KEEP WORKING UNINTERRUPTED IN A CRISIS.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS NOW.
WE'RE IN YEAR 3 OF A PLAGUE, RUSSIA IS THREATENING WORLD WAR
3, AND THE GREEN M&M IS SLIGHTLY LESS SEXY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT A CANDY I DON'T WANNA BONE?
IT'S NOT JUST THAT INFECTE
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SKITTLES JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME.
THEY DON'T TURN ME ON. ( APPLAUSE )
HOSPITAL WORKERS CAN STAY ON THE JOB, THERE'S ALSO NO
REQUIREMENTS THAT PATIENTS BE NOTIFIED IF THEIR CAREGIVER IS
SICK, UNLESS AN INFECTED WORKER SPENDS MORE THAN 15 MINUTES WITH
THEM AT A DISTANCE OF LESS THAN SIX FEET.
SO THEY SHOULD JUST MAKE 'ALL' PROCEDURES SOCIALLY DISTANCED.
(AS DOCTOR) OKAY, MR. PHILLIPS.
TO BE SAFE, I'M GONNA DO THIS COLONOSCOPY FROM ACROSS THE
ROOM. DON'T WORRY, I PLAY A LOT OF
SKEE-BALL. HERE WE GO!
OH! OH!
I'LL TAKE A LITTLE ALLIGATOR, PLEASE!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE KRISTEN
STEWART AND JONATHAN VAN NESS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER
SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR KIDS.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( HUMMING SONG ) >> Stephen: JON, I'M HOLDING
THE QUESTIONS FOR OUR GUESTS TONIGHT.
FIRST OF ALL, WE'VE GOT KRISTEN STEWART.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED! HELLO!
>> Stephen: THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED MOVIE "SPENCER," SHE
PLAYS LADY Di. THEN JONATHAN VAN NESS WITH A
NEW SHOW. WE WERE TALKING TO A YOUNG MAN
IN THE AUDIENCE BEFORE THE SHOW, ASKED ME IF I'D SEEN THE GAME
LAST NIGHT, KANSAS CITY VERSUS BUFFALO.
OBVIOUSLY, I WORK AT CBS, IT WAS A CBS BROADCAST NIGHT, SO, OF
COURSE, I WAS LISTENING TO OUR PODCAST, I WAS NOT WATCHING THE
GAME. ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE ON SUNDAYS, IT'S IN MY CONTRACT, REQUIRED, TO LISTEN TO
THE PODCAST EVERY NIGHT. WHERE IS IT AVAILABLE?
SPOTIFY, APPLE, IT'S AVAILABLE ON CERTAIN MICROWAVES.
>> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: I THINK MOST AIR
FRYERS CARRY IT. DID ANY ARE OF YOU WATCH THE
GAME? >> IT WAS ONE TO HAVE THE BEST
FOOTBALL GAMES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
UNBELIEVABLE ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ESSENTIALLY THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF THE GAME
WERE THE MOST EXCITING FOOTBALL GAME OF ALL TIME.
EVERY TIME A TEAM TOUCHED A BALL, THEY'D SCORE.
>> EXACTLY. IT WAS, LIKE, OH, MAN, THEY WON
THE GAME, AND THEN THE OTHER TEAM WON THE GAME, AND THEN THE
OTHER TEAM WON THE GAME. >> Stephen: AND THEY'D WIN THE
GAME AGAIN AND WENT INTO SUDDEN DEATH.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SUDDEN DEATH RULE IN THE PLAYOFFS?
( BOOING ) >> I MEAN, ME PERSONALLY, I
THINK THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF RULE, OVERTIME RULE IS
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM THAT SCORED, THEY
SHOULD GET THE CHANCE TO SCORE. >> Stephen: IN BASEBALL, IT'S
NOT LIKE THEY GO TO EXTRA INNINGS, AS SOON AS SOMEONE HITS
THE HOME RUN, IT'S OVER, BOTH TEAMS GET TO BAT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS!
I AM LIT AND I CANNOT WAIT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT. ( LAUGHTER )
KIDS -- CHILDREN -- WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
WE MAY NEVER KNOW. BUT ONE THING WE DO KNOW: RIGHT
NOW, MANY CHILDREN ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE RETURNED TO
LEARNING FROM HOME AGAIN. AND THAT MEANS MANY PARENTS ARE
STOCKING UP ON THE NECESSARY HOME SCHOOLING SUPPLIES, LIKE
PILLOWS TO SCREAM INTO AND BOXES OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WINE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHERE I HELP.
ALL PANDEMIC, I'VE BEEN DOING A SEGMENT WHERE I GIVE PARENTS A
BREAK BY ANSWERING REAL QUESTIONS SUBMITTED BY CERTIFIED
CHILDREN. THE SEGMENT WAS ORIGINALLY
CALLED STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS. BUT THAT FELT WEIRD.
SO, WE CHANGED IT TO STEPHEN'S RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
BUT THAT FELT BAD IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN ASSURED THAT MY WRITERS HAVE CHANGED THE
NAME TO SOMETHING TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.
SO PARENTS, PUT THOSE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE TV.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR --
>> STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING CHILDREN!
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY 100% NO.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WAS OKAY?
EVERYONE IS FIRED. EVERY SINGLE PERSON EXPECT THE
CAMERA GUY, EVERYONE IS FIRED. HI, KIDS!
I'M STEPHEN, AND I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION YOU CAN THINK OF.
HOW? BECAUSE I'M A GENIUS.
IF I WEREN'T, WHY WOULD I BE WEARING GLASSES?
OKAY? THINK.
WHO'S GOT THE FIRST QUESTION? >> WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE EDGE
OF THE UNIVERSE LOOK LIKE? >> Stephen: WELL, SAMUEL,
THERE'S A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS CAUTION, EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE.
BUT, OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE SELFIES
NEXT TO THE SIGN AND WIND UP FALLING INTO THE GRAT VOID.
THEY SHOULD PUT A RAIL THERE. NEXT.
>> WHY DO GROWNUPS LIKE BEER? A FAIR QUESTION AND THANK YOU
FOR WEARING YOUR FORMAL T -SHIRT. HERE'S THE THING -- BEER DOESN'T
TASTE GOOD BUT ADULTS SOMETIMES DRINK IT TO GAIN EXTRA WEIGHT
WITHOUT THE RISK OF INGESTING ANY NUTRIENTS.
WHO HAS ANOTHER QUESTION? >> HI, STEPHEN, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE HAT? >> PROBABLY THE SPECIAL ONE
GIVEN TO ME BY QUEEN ELIZABETH. WHO PARTED?
GOOD ONE, LIZ. NEXT.
>> HOW MUCH TIME DOES IT TAKE FOR ONE TO ELECTROMAGNETICALLY
ATTACHED TO ADD PROTON? >> Stephen: IT'S A COMPLICATED
QUESTION, FELIX. OBVIOUSLY, I COULD ANSWER THAT
QUESTION OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD -- GLASSES -- BUT I FIGURED
WHY NOT GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A SHOT.
TAKE IT AWAY WORLD RENOWN THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS.
>> MUONS CAN ALMOST TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT WHICH IS THE
FASTEST VELOCITY OF THE UNIVERSE.
IF WE TAKE A SIZE OF A PROTON AND DIVIDE BY THE SPEED OF
LIGHT, WE GET THE TIME IT TAKES TO MOVE ACROSS A PROTON.
BINGO! THE FINAL ANSWER IS ONE TRILLION
TRILLIANTH OF A SECOND. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
WHY DOG POOP SIDEWALK? >> Stephen: YET ANOTHER
COMPLICATED, INTRICATE QUESTION. SO, ONCE AGAIN, DOCTOR?
>> THIS VERY QUESTION HAS BEEN PLAGUING THE SCIENTIFIC
COMMUNITY FOR DECADE, BUT I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE I HAVE JUST
CO-AUTHORED AN IMPORTANT RESEARCH PAPER POSING THE
HYPOTHESIS THAT DOG POOP SIDEWALK SO THAT DOG DOESN'T
POOP CARPET. >> Stephen: NEXT QUESTION.
IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL, WHERE AND WHEN WOULD YOU GO AND
WHY? >> Stephen: WELL, MASON, I'M
PRETTY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW, SO I'D PROBABLY BAKE MYSELF A CAKE AND
TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO DELIVER IT TO MYSELF.
BUT, OF COURSE, TIME TRAVEL ALWAYS HAS UNFORESEEN
CONSEQUENCES, SO PROBABLY SHOULDN'T.
NEXT? >> WHY ARE DREAMS ALWAYS SO
WEIRD? >> Stephen: HMM...
WELL, I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE DREAMS ARE WEIRD BUT
MINE DON'T SEEM THAT WEIRD AT ALL.
BUT THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE MY WAKING LIFE IS VERY, VERY WEIRD.
THERE YOU ARE, STEPHEN. I TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO BRING
YOU THIS CAKE WITH YOUR FACE ON IT.
WOW! THANKS, STEVE!
WE LOOK DELICIOUS! HEY, HAVE YOUR HANDS ALWAYS BEEN
HOOVES? AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
LAST QUESTION. ( APPLAUSE )
>> WHY SO MANY KIDS. >> Stephen: CHILDREN ARE
EXTREMELY DELICIOUS AND BACK THEN THEY DIDN'T HAVE TACO BELL.
WELL, KIDS, I HOPE THAT ANSWERED ALL YOUR QUESTIONS AND, PARENTS,
IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO
SOCIAL MEDIA WITH #COLBERT KIDS QUESTIONS.
AND WE MIGHT FEATURE IT NEXT TIME IN THE EPISODE OF --
>> STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING YOUR CHILDREN!
>> Stephen: BACK WITH KRISTEN STEWART.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM "TWILIGHT," "THE
CLOUDS OF SILS MARIA" AND "HAPPIEST SEASON."
SHE NOW STARS AS PRINCESS DIANA IN "SPENCER."
>> THE BEST THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS SO FAR IS BEING WITH
THE FAMILY, SO -- >> I SAID I WANTED THE TRUTH!
SORRY, SIR. PRESENT, SIR.
PRESENTS ARE THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS, SIR.
>> NOT IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM. THAT'S TRUE.
SO, HARRY, THE BEST PART OF CHRISTMAS SO FAR AND I KNOW I'LL
GET THE TRUTH FROM YOU, SIR. >> WHEN YOU ARRIVE, MOMMY.
THANK YOU, SIR. SIR.
>> MAJOR WILLIAM TO SOLDIER DIANA, TELL THE MAJOR WHAT
HAPPENED TO MAKE YOU SO SAD. >> SIR, TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN,
SIR. >> SOLDIER.
IR, THE PAST SIR. I THINK IT'S THE PRESENT,
SOLDIER. >> I THINK IT'S IN THE FUTURE.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO THE LATE SHOW, KRISTEN STEWART!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER DANCED.
>> WE'VE DONE SO MANY THINGS BUT NOT THAT.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
NICE TO SEE YOU. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.
IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IS IT SOMETHING I
SAID? >> IT WAS JUST A GENERAL VIBE.
>> Stephen: ADMITTEDLY, TWO OF THE FIVE WERE CONSUMED BY GLOBAL
PANDEMIC. HOW DID YOU RIDE IT OUT?
A LOT OF PEOPLE TOOK UP NEW HOBBIES LIKE BAKING OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT. DID YOU DO ANYTHING NEW?
HOW DID YOU ADJUST? >> GOSH, THERE WERE SO MANY
WAVES OF ADJUSTING AND READJUSTING.
LET ME START AT THE TOP. I PROBABLY STARED AT A WALL,
CRIED A BIT, WAS SCARED, DRANK TOO MUCH, GOT VERY HEALTHY, READ
A LOT, MADE A SHORT FILM AND GO. I MADE A HOLE IN ONE
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PAR THREE.
THAT WAS LIKE A TEN-SECOND OCCURRENCE OVER THE COURSE.
WHAT DID YOU DO IN YOUR PANDEMIC TIME?
I MADE A HOLE IN ONE. YOU'RE, LIKE, YOU'RE REALLY
HIGHLIGHTING THE COOLEST ONE MOMENT OF YOUR EXPERIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE BEEN UP TO.
YOU SKIPPED BIG NEWS. YOU GOT ENGAGED.
CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW'S YOUR FIANCEÉ DILAN? NOW, IT'S VERY EXCITED TO GET
ENGAGED. THEN THERE'S AULD WEDDING
PLANNING. ARE YOU IN THE DEPTHS OF THAT
BECAUSE THAT COULD BE CHALLENGING IN THE PANDEMIC,
FINDING A SPACE, KNOWING WHEN TO SET A DATE, ALL THAT STUFF.
>> YEAH. I WANT TO HAVE, LIKE, A BIG
PARTY OR SOMETHING. I'M SO UNCEREMONIAL.
I THINK WE MIGHT JUST GO DO IT THIS WEEKEND OR SOMETHING.
AND THEN JUST HANG OUT WITH EVERYONE AFTERWARDS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. YEAH.
I JUST WANT TO DO IT! >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE.
THAT'S NICE. >> I'M NOT A GOOD PLANNER.
I CAN'T MAKE PLANS. >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
I LIKE TO PIVOT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE I'M GOING,
MAN. COME WITH ME.
>> Stephen: I WILL. I WILL.
DON'T INVITE ME TWICE. WE JUST SAW YOU A LITTLE CLIP
THERE PLAYING PRINCESS DIANA IN SPENCER.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE. WAS IT DAUNTING TO TAKE THAT
KIND OF A ROLE? BECAUSE SHE'S SO WELL KNOWN.
SHE'S BEEN PLAYED SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE.
WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU WERE FIRST OFFERED THE PART?
>> I WAS GENUINELY SURPRISED. IT'S KIND OF, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
CHOOSE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE, I WOULDN'T GO FOR A
KID FROM L.A. FIVE-FIVE WITH GREEN EYES AND HAVE A SHAVED
HEAD AT THE TIME. IT DIDN'T REALLY MAKE A LOT OF
SENSE TO ME. >> Stephen: WHEN THEY OFFERED
YOU THE PART YOU HAD A SHAVED HEAD?
>> I TOOK CHUNKS AND CHUNKS. I WO WORE A WIG IS THAT THAT'S E
OTHER THING YOU DID OVER COVID. >> WORE A WIG?
>> Stephen: FAKE CHUNKS OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
>> WELL, THIS IS IS BORING. WE'RE ON TV.
>> Stephen: I'M GRIPPED. NOTHING YOU'VE SAID SO FAR
HASN'T INTERESTED ME. >> THAT DESERVES A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SO, AGAIN, YOU'RE OFFERED THE PART, AND HOW DO YOU
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? >> WELL, I JUST THINK THERE
WOULD BE NO VERSION OF GETTING IT PERFECT OR RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN THINK AT LEAST REALLY A VERSION OF DOING A GOOD
JOB. IT'S LIKE DOING YOUR JOB AND
GETTING AS CLOSE TO SOMEONE PERSONALLY AND ABSORBING THEIR
SPIRIT AND ENERGY AND TRANSFORMIC THAT INTO A
DIFFERENT FORMAT WHICH IS A PIECE OF ART AND NOT REAL LIFE,
AND I JUST LOVED HER AND I THOUGHT, THERE'S EVERY REASON --
SHE'S BEGGING TO BE SPOKEN ABOUT, AND JUMPED ON.
AND I JUST THINK, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SO MANY VERSIONS OF THIS
STORY RIGHT NOW IS WE KIND OF NEED HER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MORE KRISTEN STEWART, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH KRISTEN STEWART,
STAR OF THE NEW FILM "SPENCER." NOW, YOUR PERFORMANCE HAS
GARNERED A LOT OF PRAISE, LEADING TO SPECULATION ABOUT
AWARD SEASON, THAT SORT OF THING.
I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH, LIKE, AWARDS CAMPAIGNS.
I UNDERSTAND, LIKE, BASICALLY THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE GENERAL
GENERALLY CONSIDERED TO BE THE FRONTRUNNERS IN A YEAR HAVE TO
DO EVENTS, MEETING THE VOTERS, THAT SORT OF THING.
IS THAT FUN OR MORE LIKE A CATTLE CALL?
( LAUGHTER ) NO, REALLY, IT'S PART OF THE
BUSINESS OF SHOW BUSINESS. DO YOU HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH FUN
PEOPLE, LIKE THE OTHER ACTRESSES?
>> YEAH, AND THEY'RE REALLY COOL.
>> Stephen: ANYBODY YOU PARTICULARLY ENJOY HANGING OUT
WITH? >> I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH
KIRSTEN DUNST FOR YEARS AND IT'S BEEN FUN TO SEE HER MORE THAN I
NORMALLY WOULD. AND I SPOKE TO NICOLE KIDMAN 45
MINUTES ON A ZOOM CALL. AND SHE SENT ME FLOWERS AND I
WAS, LIKE, OH, MY GOD! >> Stephen: SHE SENT YOU
FLOWERS AFTER THE CONVERSATION? >> BECAUSE SHE HAD A GREAT TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD CONVERSATION.
( APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH.
WE WORK TOGETHER, ACTUALLY, YEARS AGO AND SHE HAD TO DROP
OUT OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE SHE INJURED HERSELF AND SHE WAS
GOING TO BE IN A PANIC ROOM. >> Stephen: SHE WAS JODIE
FOSTER IN PANIC ROOM. >> YEAH, WE REHEARSED FOR WEEKS.
IN MY MEMORY WHICH WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I WAS VERY TINY. >> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU
THEN? >> TEN.
I TURNED ELEVEN ON THE MOVIE. JODIE FOSTER GOT ME A M MARIACHI
BAND ON MY FIRTH DAY. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
I CAME HERE TO BRAG A LOT. ( LAUGHER )
>> Stephen: YOU WERE IN "CRIMES IN THE FUTURE" WITH
FEELINGO MORTENSEN -- VIGGO MORTENSEN.
ARE YOU A FAN OF LORD OF THE RINGS?
>> I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON HIM. >> Stephen: I HAVE A HUGE
CRUSH ON VIGGO. I'M NOT ALONE.
>> MY GIRLFRIEND IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.
I GOT TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. >> Stephen: YOU'VE ALREADY
MADE OUT WITH HIM? >> YEAH, AND NOW I'M TRYING TO
MAKE YOU JEALOUS ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: VIGGO HAS BEEN IN MY SHOWER.
>> IS THAT TRUE? >> Stephen: YEAH, THERE'S A
STORY BEHIND THAT ONE, AND I GOT FLOWERS.
>> GOOD. I BELIEVE YOU.
THIS DOESN'T SOUND MADE UP AT ALL.
>> Stephen: NO, NOT AT ALL. NOW, YOUR FIANCEÉ DYLAN, IS SHE
FAN OF LORD OF THE RINGS? >> SHE'S OBSESSED.
YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. WHEN I WAS TALKING TO YOUR
SEGMENT PRODUCER WHICH I HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS, WE TALKED FOR A
LONG TIME, I JUST FOUND A LOT OF OVERLAP.
>> Stephen: WOW. O THE LORD OF THE THINGS
THING, DO YOU LIKE A LOT OF OTHER FANCY THINGS, TOO.
>> Stephen: SURE. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I DID NOT
STUDY, I READ FANTASY AND SCIENCE FICTION.
BARELY, BARELY GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
( APPLAUSE ) KIDS, DON'T STUDY!
( LAUGHTER ) CAN I SAY THAT I REALLY LOVE
YOUR GERNICA INK THERE. THIS IS GREAT.
DO YOU MIND IF I ASK WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU TO USE THAT PART OF
THE PAINTING BY PICASSO? >> IT WAS THE FIRST PIECE OF ART
I SAW IN PERSON THAT MADE ME CRY, AND I WAS REALLY LITTLE IN
SPAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I WAS JUST, LIKE -- IT WAS THE ONE
PIECE OF A VERY DARK PAINTING THAT FELT LIKE JUST KEEP THAT
LIGHT ON, YOU KNOW. YEAH, SWEET.
AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING. TO ASK ABOUT YOUR TATTOOS -- I
HAVE RIDICULOUSLY BAD TATTOOS SO I'M GLAD YOU ASK ABOUT THE ONE
GOOD ONE I HAVE. >> Stephen: YOU CAUGHT MY EYE.
GOOD TO SEE █YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST GO DO IT.
>> JUST DO IT >> STEPHEN: "SPENCER" IS NOW
AVAILABLE ON DEMAND. KRISTEN STEWART, EVERYBODY WE'LL
BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "QUEER EYE," JONATHAN VAN NESS.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS AN AUTHOR,
COMEDIAN AND A HAIRSTYLIST YOU KNOW FROM
"QUEER EYE." HIS NEW SHOW IS GETTING CURIOUS
WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE
SHOW, JONATHAN VAN NESS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ER
>> Stephen: COME HERE.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> Stephen: WHAT'S UP, JVN.
WELL, I HAVE TO SAY, I ALMOST HAD A BREAKDOWN WHEN KRISTEN
STEWART LITERALLY MENTIONED THE PANIC ROOM.
NICOLE KIDMAN WAS ALMOST -- >> Stephen: NICOLE KIDMAN
ALMOST PLAYED THE LEAD PART BUT SHE GOT INJURED IN THE FIRST TWO
WEEKS OF DOING "THE PANIC ROOM." >> BUT DO YOU KNOW I REFERENCE
THIS MOVIE LIKE THREE TIMES A WEEK?
>> Stephen: I DID NOT. OH, MY GOD.
IT'S SUCH A CLASSIC. I WASN'T READY FOR "THE PANIC
ROOM REFERENCE." >> NO, THE VILLAIN IS REALLY
MEAN IN THAT MOVIE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO PLAY
THE NICOLE KIDMAN JODIE FOSTER PART.
>> OOOH! >> Stephen: COME ON, YOU COULD
PANIC, COULDN'T YOU? >> IS THERE MOUTHWASH IN THIS
ROOM? BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO HAVE SUGAR.
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS A GOOD REFERENCE. SUGAR FREE MOUTHWASH.
>> BECAUSE I'M DIABETIC! >> Stephen: THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY. HOW ARE YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) IT IS LOVE NIGHT HERE ON THE
"LATE SHOW" BECAUSE WE HAD AN ENGAGEMENT WITH KRISTEN STEWART.
YOU GOT MARRIED SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.
>> I DID, I DID, I DID. THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: I WAS MARRIED. HOW ARE YOU LIKING IT?
IT'S COMFY, ISN'T IT? >> I GOT PANDEMIC MARRIED.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A SHINDIG OR --
>> OH, NO, HONEY, IT'S IN THE BACKYARD, A JUDGE, MY HUSBAND,
ME, THE FOUR CATS. >> Stephen: RING BEARER CAT.
THEY COULDN'T GO OUTSIDE, YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM TO GO OUTSIDE.
THY ARE FIRMLY INDOOR CATS. >> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU, ARE YOU AN INDOOR CAT? >> NO, I GO IN AND OUT.
I WISH I WAS AN INDOOR CAT. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW
SHOW, "GETTING CURIOUS WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS."
WHAT ARE YOU CURIOUS ABOUT. >> I'M TAKING A WHAT'S THE
HISTORY OF IT, WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW, AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO? THAT'S KIND OF EACH EPISODE.
IT'S A LITTLE LIKE CHRISTMAS STORY IN THAT SENSE, YOU KNOW,
PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE. IS THAT WHAT THE GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS STORY ARE? >> Stephen: CHRISTMAS CAROL.
YEAH. >> Stephen: CHRISTMAS CAROL.
CHRISTMAS STORY IS A LAMP AND DRINK MORE OVALTINE.
( APPLAUSE ) SO YOU DID AN EPISODE ABOUT THE
GENDER BINARY. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
IS THERE ANYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE GO TO THE CLIP?
>> JUST TO ENJOY AND HAVE FUN. >> Stephen: OKAY.
JIM. >> WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT NOW IS
PEOPLE WILL EXCEPTIONALLIZE US AND SAY, WELL, YOU'RE SO BRAVE,
YOU'RE SO RESILIENT, BUT WHY SHOULD IT HAVE TO REQUIRE
BRAVERY TO DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS WALKING DOWN THE
STREET? WHY SHOULD IT REQUIRE BRAVERY TO
LIVE LIFE ON YOUR OWN TERMS? WE EXIST AND THAT'S NOT
POLITICAL, IT'S FACTUAL. WE EXIST AND THAT'S NATURAL.
WHAT IS POLITICAL IS MAKING PEOPLE FIT INTO BOXES THAT WERE
PREDETERMINED HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT WAS MY VERY DEAR FRIEND,
AND SUCH A TEACHER. REALLY I THINK ONE OF THE
DEFINING VOICES OF OUR TIME. SO EXCITED THEY WERE ABLE TO BE
ON THE SHOW AND THAT EPISODE IS ABOUT GENDER AND IT'S A FULL
EXPLORATION OF WHAT IS THE HISTORY OF THE GENDER BINARY,
HAVE WE IN FACT ALWAYS BEEN DOING ALL THIS STUFF, AND IT'S A
REALLY INTERESTING EPISODE. AND IT GETS -- WE GO DEEP.
IT GETS REAL. THEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BUGS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S BUGS, SKYSCRAPERS, FIGURE SKATING.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU TALK ABOUT ESPECIALLY IN TIMES OF
GREAT STRESS HAVING TO FIND POCKETS OF JOY.
I'M CURIOUS, WHAT'S GIVING YOU THE POCKETS OF JOY RIGHT NOW?
>> OH, MY GOSH, I NEVER SAW THIS COMING.
IT'S VERY OFFBRAND. I BECAME OBSESSED WITH GARDENING
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS BRITISH AND THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH
GARDENING. >> Stephen: SURE.
NOW I'M REALLY INTENSELY IN LOVE WITH GARDENING.
>> Stephen: IS THIS DECORATIVE OR VEGETABLE?
>> OH, NO, VEG. NEWS FLASH, HOT TAKE, DO YOU
KNOW VEGETABLES AND FRUITS, THERE'S A FLOWER --
>> Stephen: YES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> OH. I DIDN'T KNOW.
ONCE I FIGURED OUT THERE WAS FLOWERS I WAS, LIKE, THESE ARE
GORGEOUS. >> Stephen: IT IS FUN TO SEE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FLOWER TURN INTO A ZUCCHINI.
>> PUMPKINS AND WATERMELONS. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE
TROUBLE? WE HAD TO PUT A RABBIT-PROOF
FENCE AROUND OUR VEGETABLE AREA BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T A
RODENT CHARITY. GET OUT OF MY CARROTS.
DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE PESTS?
>> I KNEW WHERE YOU WERE GOING AND I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY FACE --
YES, EWE DO. I HAVE A CHIPMUNK PROBLEM, A
SQUASH BORE VINE MOTH PROBLEM. >> Stephen: A CHIPMUNK
PROBLEM? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT IS HARD TO BE A - ALVIN AND HIS DUMB BROTHERS.
>> Stephen: YES. MURDERED MY WATERMELONS AND
PUMPKINS. >> Stephen: EYE FOR AN EYE?
I ACTUALLY HAVE A WHOLE SET ABOUT THIS IN MY NEW SHOW, BUT I
TURNED INTO UMMA THURMAN IN KILL BILL.
I WAS IN ALL BLACK IN THE BACKYARD.
I WAS READY TO LINE UP THIS CHIPMUNK FAMILY --
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT
GARDENING -- BECAUSE I'M NONBINARY.
SOME BINARY PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, I FEEL BETWEEN OR NEITHER.
I ALWAYS FELT A LITTLE BIT NEITHER.
BUT IF I HAD TO IDENTIFY A PIECE OF, LIKE, MY RURAL INDIANA
PRIMAL MAN RAGE -- >> Stephen: THERE'S PLENTY OF
THAT THERE. >> THERE'S 3 PERCENT.
IT TITRATES, IT'S VERY SMALL, BUT WHEN I GARDEN, I FEEL IT.
I DO. >> Stephen: THE INDIANA FARMER
COMES OUT! THE CROPS MUST COME IN FOR THE
WINTER! >> I'M HUNGRY!
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THE VEGGIES.
> THANKS FOR HAVING ME SO MUCH. >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. >> WATCH "GETTING CURIOUS WITH
JONATHAN VAN NESS" STREAMING ON IN EFFECT JANUARY 28 SNOG
"GETTING CURIOUS WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS" WITH JONATHAN VAN NESS
THIS FRIDAY. JONATHAN VAN NESS, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>> STEPHEN: GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JOY REID AND THOMAS
MIDDLEDITCH. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.