FLIGHT DELAYS AND CANCELLATIONS FROM COVID AND
WEATHER, THERE'S ANOTHER REASON YOU MAY SPEND MORE TIME WAITING
AT THE AIRPORT. MAJOR AIRLINES WARN THAT THE
TELECOM INDUSTRY'S PLAN TO TURN ON NEW 5G WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY
COULD INTERFERE WITH AIRPLANES. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT 5G MESSING WITH YOUR AIRPLANE?
WELL, THEN, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO GO GREYHOUND.
YES, WE'RE STILL IN BUSINESS. AND AT GREYHOUND, WE DON'T LET
ANYTHING AFFECT OUR SCHEDULE-- NOT 5G, WEATHER, A CORPSE
FALLING OUT OF THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT, LACK OF ROAD, OR
EVEN A SHOOT-OUT. PLUS, WE HAVE AMENITIES THAT
AIRLINES DON'T, LIKE HUNGRY WOLVES.
THIS CLOWN WITH A KNIFE. AND MEMBERSHIP IN OUR
FOUR-FOOT-HIGH CLUB. SO IF YOU NEED TO TRAVEL IN A
JIFFY-- GIVE OR TAKE 20 HOURS-- HOP ON BOARD.
GREYHOUND: BECAUSE SELDOM IS THE WORD "PLUNGE" ASSOCIATED WITH A
BUS.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: TEST DAY EVER!
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: CHRISTINE BARANSKI
AND MUSICAL GUEST, NATION OF LANGUAGE.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
THERE YOU GO. PERFECT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
HELLO, JON. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, LOUIS. HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEEN THAT LONG, BUT TRUTH IS, TOMORROW IS ONE YEAR OF JOE
BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY. AND TO MARK THE OCCASION
( APPLAUSE ). PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY.
THEN AGAIN, HE'S 79. I GUESS HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO GO
FOR THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL. THE PRESIDENT OUTLINED THE
VARIOUS WAYS HIS ADMINISTRATION IS TRYING TO FIGHT THE PANDEMIC
WITHOUT ADDITIONAL SHUTDOWNS. >> WE HAVE THE TOOLS-- VACCINES,
BOOSTERS, MASKS, TESTS, PILLS-- TO SAVE LIVES AND KEEP
BUSINESSES AND SCHOOLS OPEN. >> Stephen: YES, WE HAVE A LOT
OF TOOLS TO SAVE LIVES. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ALSO HAVE A
LOT OF TOOLS WHO REFUSE TO USE THOSE TOOLS.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S A BIG
DAY FOR AMERICA'S NOSTRILS, BECAUSE-- YOU KNOW IT IS COMING.
BECAUSE TODAY THE WHITE HOUSE LAUNCHED THE US GOVERNMENT'S
FREE COVID TESTING KIT WEBSITE: cvidtests.gov
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE WAITING.
YOU PAID FOR THEM. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR THEM.
GO GET THEM. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS LOG ON, PUT
IN YOUR ADDRESS, AND THE FEDS WILL SEND YOU FOUR FREE AT-HOME
COVID-19 TESTS. FOUR TESTS!
OKAY. ( APPLAUSE )
EACH NOSTRIL AND TWO FOR, YOU KNOW, DEALER'S CHOICE.
IT WORKS. IT WORKS WHEREVER YOU PUT THEM.
THAT'S WHAT I HEAR. IS THAT TRUE?
THEY'RE TELLING ME THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THE WHITE HOUSE ACTUALLY LAUNCHED THE SITE YESTERDAY, ONE
DAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. SO, 677 DAYS INTO THE PANDEMIC,
WE GOT ACCESS TO FREE TESTS ONE DAY SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, SIR.
THAT'S WHY HE MOVED UP THE PRESS CONFERENCE.
THAT'S WHY HE MOVED IT UP. SO FAR, FREE AND ACCESSIBLE
HEALTHCARE IS PRETTY POPULAR. AS OF LAST NIGHT, covidtests.gov
HAD MORE THAN 1 MILLION VISITORS, WHICH IS MORE THAN 40
TIMES AS MANY AS THE GOVERNMENT SITE WITH THE NEXT HIGHEST
TRAFFIC, WHICH I ASSUME IS shirtlessdougemhoff.gov/ yardwor.
( LAUGHTER ) I DID NOT EXPECT HIM-- I DID NOT
EXPECT HIM TO BE SO CUT. >> Jon: HE GOT HIMSELF
TOGETHER. UH-HUH.
YEAH. >> Stephen: THE CLIPPERS WORK
THE OBLIQUES, MAN. I MEAN, THERE WERE A FEW
HICCUPS. SOME PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN
APARTMENT BUILDINGS RECEIVED ERRORS SAYING TESTS ALREADY HAD
BEEN ORDERED FOR THEIR ADDRESS. SO TO MAKE UP FOR IT, THE POST
OFFICE IS GOING TO SEND THOSE PEOPLE A THOUSAND BLUE APRON
MAILERS AND A WATER BILL FOR SOMEONE WHO LIVED THERE 20
YEARS AGO. ( LAUGHTER )
THE FREE TEST ISN'T THE ONLY GOOD NEWS.
EXPERTS SAY THE END OF THE OMICRON WAVE IS IN SIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH!
WE NEED IT! >> Stephen: IT'S IN SIGHT, BUT
I CAN'T SEE IT, BECAUSE MY GLASSES ARE ALWAYS FOGGED UP
FROM MY MASK. ONE GROUP THAT CAN'T WAIT FOR
COVID TO END IS LIBRARIANS, BECAUSE SOME PUBLIC LIBRARIES
ARE BEING USED AS CORONAVIRUS TEST DISTRIBUTION SITES, AND
LIBRARIANS HAVE BECOME THE LATEST FRONTLINE WORKERS.
AND THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE THE BANGING OF POTS AND PANS.
( LAUGHTER ) TOOK A WHILE.
IT TOOK YOU A WHILE TO REALIZE, ABOUT A YEAR AGO WE USED TO...
IN CERTAIN CITIES LIKE WASHINGTON, D.C., PUBLIC
LIBRARIES PROVIDED P.C.R. TESTS THAT PATRONS HAD TO TAKE HOME TO
USE THEN DEPOSIT IN A DROPBOX AT THE LIBRARY.
SO YOUR TEST WILL BE HELD IN THE SAME LABORATORY CONDITIONS AS
STICKY COPIES OF "PAT THE BUNNY" AND A BROKEN VHS OF
"GREMLINS 2." ( LAUGHTER )
THE SYSTEM WORKS. "GREMLINS 2, FANS."
THE SYSTEM WORKS, BUT MAYBE TOO WELL, BECAUSE NOW, LIBRARY
PHONES RING EVERY FEW MINUTES WITH YET ANOTHER CALL, ASKING
MEDICAL QUESTIONS LIBRARY WORKERS AREN'T TRAINED TO
ANSWER. HAVEN'T WE GIVEN LIBRARIANS
ENOUGH TO DO? THEY'RE ALREADY OUR BABYSITTERS,
OUR TUTORS, AND THE ONLY ONES BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK THAT MAN AT
THE COMPUTER TO PLEASE CLOSE HIS PORNOGRAPHY TABS DURING THE
PUPPET SHOW. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE ALSO-- ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE ALSO GOT COVID NEWS FROM FLORIDA.
TODAY WE LEARNED THE FLORIDA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SUSPENDED
A MEDICAL DIRECTOR AFTER HE SENT AN EMAIL ENCOURAGING STAFF TO
GET VACCINATED. YEAH, WELL, I MEAN, COME ON.
IT'S KIND OF PRESUMPTUOUS OF HIM TO ASSUME THAT RESIDENTS OF
FLORIDA HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY MADE A CHOICE. THEY MADE A CHOICE!
THE OFFICIAL IN QUESTON IS DR. RAUL PINO, WHO LEADS THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT IN ORANGE COUNTY. IN AN EMAIL TO HIS DEPARTMENT
EARLIER THIS MONTH, PINO WROTE THAT HE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONLY
219 OUT OF 568 STAFF MEMBERS HAD RECEIVED TWO DOSES OF THE
VACCINE, ADDING, "I AM SORRY, BUT IN THE ABSENCE OF REASONABLE
AND REAL REASONS, IT IS IRRESPONSIBLE NOT TO BE
VACCINATED. I HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING
HOW WE CAN BE IN PUBLIC HEALTH AND NOT PRACTICE IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 100%!
IT IS. HE'S RIGHT.
IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. YET ANOTHER FLORIDA MYSTERY,
LIKE WHY DO SO MANY OLD PEOPLE MOVE THERE THE MINUTE THEY GET
TOO SLOW TO OUTRUN AN ALLIGATOR? ( LAUGHTER )
RING THE DINNER BELL. THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR FORMER
PRESIDENT "GIRTH, WIND, AND LIAR."
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ DO YOU REMEMBER ♪
FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, HE HAS BEEN UNDER CIVIL INVESTIGATION
BY NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL LETITIA JAMES.
WELL LAST NIGHT-- ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, LAST NIGHT IN COURT FILINGS, JAMES OUTLINED A
PATTERN OF POSSIBLE FRAUD AT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS.
THAT'S BELIEVABLE. CERTAINLY MORE BELIEVABLE THAN A
PATTERN OF BUSINESS AT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FRAUD.
JAMES FILED THIS MOTION IN RESPONSE TO THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO BLOCK HER FROM QUESTIONING HIM AND TWO OF
HIS ADULT CHILDREN UNDER OATH. LORD, PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T-- I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH,
AND I DON'T ASK OFTEN. ALL I WANT-- ALL I WANT BEFORE I
DIE IS SEE DON JR. SWEAR IN ON A JAR OF HAIR GEL.
IT'S THE ONLY THING HE BELIEVES IN.
JAMES SAYS THAT HER OFFICE HAS UNCOVERED SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUDULENTLY VALUED MULTIPLE
ASSETS, INCLUDING HIS OWN PRIVATE RESIDENCE.
HE CLAIMED THE TRIPLEX APARTMENT WAS 30,000 SQUARE FEET IN SIZE,
BUT THE ACTUAL SIZE WAS JUST UNDER 11,000 SQUARE FEET.
YEAH, THAT'S NO SURPRISE. HE'S KNOWN FOR FALSELY TRIPLING
THE SIZE OF HIS ASSETS. ( LAUGHTER )
HE ONCE TOLD STORMY DANIELS HIS PENIS WAS THREE INCHES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT--
( APPLAUSE ) BIGGEST FRAUD CONTINUES TO BE
HIS CLAIM THAT HE WON RE-ELECTION.
THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6 IS BUSY GETTING TO THE
BOTTOM OF THAT LIE. AND YESTERDAY, THEY SUBPOENAED
RUDY GIULIANI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT LONG LAST, WE'LL FIND OUT IF RUDY ACTUALLY SAID AND DID WHAT
WE SAW HIM SAY AND DO LIVE ON TV.
THE PANEL WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW RUDY PUSHED
FALSE CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PREZ WON THE 2020 ELECTION AND
ARE SEEKING ALL THE DOCUMENTS HE HAS RELATING TO THE SEIZURE OF
VOTING MACHINES, CONTACT WITH MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, AND ANY
ARRANGEMENTS FOR HIS ATTORNEY'S FEES.
AND "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACQUIRED ONE-- ONE OF THESE?
ONE OF RUDY'S INVOICES: $40,000 FOR ATTORNEY FEES, AND
$10,000 FOR FRANZIA, COMMA, KIDDIE POOL FULL OF."
( LAUGHTER ) THE SELECT COMMITTEE HAS ALSO
SUBPOENAED THE PHONE RECORDS OF FORMER SECOND SON, ERIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COULD BE GOOD.
NOT SURE HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM THE PHONE RECORDS OF
SOMEONE WHO ANSWERS THE "SCAM LIKELY" NUMBER HOPING IT'S HIS
DAD. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF PHONES, TODAY VERIZON AND AT&T TURNED ON A
MAJOR NEW PART OF THEIR 5G NETWORKS.
OF COURSE, IF YOU GOT THE VACCINE, YOU ALREADY HAVE 5G.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO INITIATE
A HARD RESET. JUST INSERT A PAPERCLIP INTO THE
BACK OF YOUR NECK WHILE HOLDING DOWN THE BLUETOOTH BUTTON ON
YOUR GIANT BALLS. ( APPLAUSE ).
THERE'S ONE SMALL PROBLEM: OFFICIALS ARE WORRIED 5G SIGNALS
COULD LEAD TO AIRPLANE CRASHES. OKAY, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
YOU CAN STREAM "YELLOWJACKETS" ALL THE WAY DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) SIMILAR SEGMENTS OF THE RADIO
SPECTRUM, SOME OFFICIALS ARE WORRIED THAT 5G
SERVICE WILL INTERFERE WITH SENSITIVE INSTRUMENTS THAT
MEASURE ALTITUDE ON SOME PLANES. OKAY, THEN TO PROTECT IT, WHY
DON'T THEY JUST PUT THE AIRPLANE INTO AIRPLANE MODE?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IS THERE
SUCH A THING AS TOO RICH? YES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, THE BAND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HOLD-- I HOLD-- I HOLD IN MY HOT LITTLE HAND THE QUESTIONS
FOR TONIGHT'S GUEST, CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
>> Jon: OH, YES. >> Stephen: NATIONAL TREASURE.
SHE'S IN THAT NEW SHOW "THE GILDED AGE" ON HBO, BY THE SAME
PEOPLE WHO MADE DOWNTON ABBEY, SUPER-FANCY NEW YORK STUFF.
I'VE SEEN IT BECAUSE I'M FANCY. WE KNOW YOU RACKED UP 11 GRAMMY
NOMINATIONS THIS YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
JUST LIKE-- JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, TWO YEARS OF
THIS PANDEMIC IT'S BEEN DELAYED, THE GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN DELAYED.
WE JUST FOUND OUT WHEN THEY ARE. YOU KNOW WHEN THEY WERE, RIGHT?
>> Jon: APRIL 3. >> Stephen: AND WHERE?
>> Jon: LAS VEGAS. >> Stephen: LAS VEGAS.
>> Jon: YES. >> Stephen: AND THAT'S YOUR
TOWN, RIGHT, JON? I THINK LAS VEGAS, I THINK JON
BATISTE. SIN CITY!
>> Jon: I GO TO LAS VEGAS I'M LIKE A FISH IN WATER.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WHITE TIGERS
AT HOME. YOU TRAIN ALL THE TIME.
>> Jon: YES. >> Stephen: INSPIRATIONAL FOR
YOU. >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MY ONLY WORRY-- GO AHEAD.
>> Jon: I WAS THE ORIGINAL "TIGER KING," YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'S GOING ON TWO YEARS OF THIS PANDEMIC,
AND I KNOW YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THIS HAS MEANT FOR
RICH PEOPLE. THE EFFECTS OF COVID ON THE
WEALTHY HAVE BEEN EXTREME, IN THAT THEY ARE EVEN MORE
EXTREMELY WEALTHY. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN MY ADMIRAL CLASS SEGMENT: RICH PEOPLE,
THEY'RE JUST NOT LIKE US. US PAY TAXES.
>> GAH! HOW CAN THEY AFFORD PITCHFORKS
ON WHAT I PAY THEM? >> Stephen: NOW, I MAKE A FINE
LIVING AS A TV HOST, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
BUT ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, THE WEALTH OF THE WORLD'S 10
RICHEST MEN HAS DOUBLED IN THE PANDEMIC, A GROUP THAT INCLUDES
ELON MUSK, JEFF BEZOS, LARRY ELLISON AND MARK ZUCKERBERG
WHOSE WEALTH SWELLED FROM A COLLECTIVE $700 BILLION TO
$1.5 TRILLION. THAT'S AN INCONCEIVABLE AMOUNT
OF MONEY. HERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO THINK
ABOUT IT: TO MAKE $1.5 TRILLION, YOU'D HAVE TO BE PAID $1 MILLION
A DAY FOR 1.5 MILLION DAYS. THAT'S OVER 4,000 YEARS.
YOU'D HAVE TO MAKE $1 MILLION A DAY SINCE THEY BUILT THE GREAT
PYRAMID. OR AS THESE GUYS CALL IT: THE
POOL HOUSE. ( LAUGHTER )
CANARIES IN THE DIAMOND MINE. ALL THE RICHIES ARE RICHING IT
UP RICHER. BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE SPENDING
THEIR CASH ON PRESSING HUMANITARIAN ISSUES, LIKE DADDY
WANT FANCY CAR." BECAUSE LAST YEAR ALONE,
ROLLS-ROYCE DELIVERED, THE MOST CARS IT HAS EVER SOLD IN ITS
117-YEAR HISTORY. WELL, OF COURSE.
WHO WANTS TO FLEE THE TORCH- WIELDING MOB IN A GETAWAY
VEHICLE WHOSE CHAMPAGNE COOLING BAY ISN'T EVEN INLAID WITH
MOTHER OF PEARL. SOME OF THE WHIPS THE RICH ARE
BUYING INCLUDE THE $455,000 ROLLS-ROYCE PHANTOM AND THE
ROLLS-ROYCE GHOST SEDAN. WHICH, WITH A STARTING PRICE
JUST OVER $300,000, IT'S CONSIDERED TO BE A MORE
PRACTICAL AND AFFORDABLE ALTERNATIVE.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "PRACTICAL AND AFFORDABLE" LIKE BUYING THE
SAME CAR AS THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) OUT FOR THE LUXURY CARS OF THE
SEA: SUPER-YACHTS, WHICH ALSO HIT A RECORD.
THE BIGGEST YACHT SOLD LAST YEAR BEING "THE NORD," A
464-FOOT-LONG SUPER-YACHT, WHICH COST AROUND $500 MILLION, AND
HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS "A WARSHIP WEARING A TUXEDO."
( LAUGHTER ) FOR HALF A BILL, I CAN'T HAVE MY
WARSHIP IN BUSINESS CASUAL. ( LAUGHTER )
CANOE? ACCORDING THE DESIGNER, DAN
LENARD, THE NORD WAS DESIGNED WITH ONE IDEA IN MIND: SHE MUST
CAUSE STRONG EMOTIONS IN EVERY OBSERVER.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DANNY. EVERYONE WHO SEES THIS IS FILLED
WITH THE STRONG EMOTION OF "LET'S BUILD A GUILLOTINE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
RICH, YOU MAY BE ASKING, "STEVE, IS THERE ANY WAY MY PURCHASES
COULD PISS OFF AN ENTIRE CITY ONCE AN HOUR EVERY DAY?"
THEY SURE CAN IF YOU ARE THE CARTOONISHLY-NAMED DALLAS
BILLIONAIRE HARLAN CROW, WHO BUILT A 228-FOOT-TALL BELL TOWER
OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE WINDOW. BUT HE'S NOT COMPENSATING FOR
ANYTHING. ( AS HARLAN CROW )
YOU'LL SEE MY 16-STORY HIGH PENIS-- I MEAN DONG TOWER--
I MEAN BELL PENIS." AND WHEN IT COMES TO--
( APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY KNOW HIS TOWER IS
THERE, HARLAN CROW IS LOUD AND PROUD, BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME HE
HEARD HIS BELL RING, HE SAID IT WAS TOO QUIET, AND MADE HIS
ARCHITECTS UP THE VOLUME TO 105 DECIBELS, ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT TO
A CHAIN SAW. BEAUTIFULLY UNDERSTATED.
I WANT THE SOUND OF MY PERSONAL BELL TOWER TO BE SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN "PIANO FALLING DOWN A STAIRCASE" AND "BOMB DETONATING
A SHIPPING CONTAINER FULL OF TAMBOURINES."
FINALLY, IF ROLLS-ROYCES AND BELL TOWERS DON'T SCREAM "LET'S
STORM THE BASTILLE" LOUD ENOUGH, THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOME IN
AMERICA JUST LISTED FOR $295 MILLION.
IT IS THE 105,000-SQUARE- FOOT MEGA-MANSION KNOWN AS "THE ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LIKE NEO IN "THE MATRIX."
BUT INSTEAD OF BEING A FREEDOM FIGHTER AGAINST DYSTOPIAN
OVERLORDS, THIS IS THE HOUSE THE OVERLORDS BUY WHEN THEY GET
BORED OF THEIR EMOTIONAL NORD TUXEDO YACHT.
"THE ONE" FEATURES 21 BEDROOMS AND 42 BATHROOMS; A FULL-SERVICE
SALON EQUIPPED WITH SHAMPOO STATIONS, PEDICURE CHAIRS, AND A
HAIR AND MAKE-UP AREA; A 400-FOOT RUNNING TRACK; AND A
MASSIVE MOAT THAT RUNS AROUND THE PROPERTY.
ALWAYS GOOD WHEN YOUR HOME IS PROTECTED BY THE SAME FEATURES
AS THE CASTLES IN "GAME OF THRONES."
AS I RECALL, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT PRETTY GREAT FOR THOSE GUYS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH--
♪ ♪ ♪ OH, AND FUN FACT: "THE ONE" IS
BUILT ON A LEVELED MOUNTAIN. PLEASE LET IT BE A VOLCANO.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHRISTINE BARANSKI. ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
TALENTED ACTRESS WHO'S WON AN EMMY AND TWO TONYS AND NOW STARS
IN THE NEW HBO SERIES, "THE GILDED AGE."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," THE DELIGHTFUL CHRISTINE
BARANSKI. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: WHAT'S-- WHAT'S HAPPENING, HOT STUFF?
NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. >> IT'S LOVELY TO BE BACK.
GOSH. I JUST WANT TO SAY TO THIS
AUDIENCE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OBSERVING THE PROTOCOLS AND
WEARING THE MASK, BUT SHOWING UP AND SUPPORTING THEATER IN NEW
YORK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: VERY LUCKY. VERY LUCKY TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE
LIKE THIS. >> YEAH.
YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU GREW UP IN
BUFFALO, NEW YORK. >> I DID.
>> Stephen: AND HOW MUCH-- HOW MUCH-- AFTER ALL THESE YEARS--
BECAUSE YOU KIND OF SCREAM MANHATTAN AT THIS POINT-- HOW
MUCH BUFFALO GIRL IS LEFT IN YOU?
>> YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY THINKS THIS IS, YOU KNOW, THIS
SOPHISTICATED LADY, THERE NEW YORK TYPE, THIS-- THIS-- THESE
CHARACTERS THAT I PLAY, THEY THINK THAT'S ME.
THEY SHOULD BE IN A ROOM ALONE WITH ME WHEN I WATCH THE BUFFALO
BILLS. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GREAT SEASON. >> LOUD.
IT IS A GREAT SEASON. AND GROWING UP IN BUFFALO, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, WE LIVED THROUGH FOUR CONSECUTIVE SUPER
BOWL LOSSES. SO I HAVE A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS,
"BUFFALO: A DRINKING TOWN WITH A FOOTBALL PROBLEM."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT YEAR,
AND, YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THE WILD CARD GAME LAST SUNDAY.
THEY BEAT NEW ENGLAND. AND...
( APPLAUSE ). >> I MEAN, THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO
WILL SIT IN THE STANDS FOR HOURS IN SUBZERO TEMPERATURES.
SO IF YOU'RE FROM BUFFALO, YOU KNOW YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.
YOU KNOW HOW TO, YOU KNOW, ENDURE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER
WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO FIRST COME DOWN TO THE CITY?
I CERTAINLY REMEMBER MY FIRST WALKING AROUND BY MYSELF IN NEW
YORK, WHAT THAT FELT LIKE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT FEELING?
>> WHEN I WAS SEND AT JUILLIARD, I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT BEING IN
NEW YORK, I REMEMBER STAYING WITH MY UNCLE IN LONG ISLAND AND
TAKING A TRAIN IN TO THE CITY. AND I'D GET OFF AT PENN STATION.
PENN STATION, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL.
>> Stephen: NOT GLAMOUR. >> NOT GLAMOUR.
>> Stephen: NO. >> BUT I WOULD WALK TO JUILLIARD
UP EIGHTH HEAVY, AND I WAS LIKE, "EIGHTH AVENUE!
WOW." >> Stephen: THOSE ARE NEW YORK
HOOKERS! THAT'S A NEW YORK RAT.
>> YEAH, I THOUGHT EVERY ASPECT OF IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
IT WAS GREAT I DIDN'T GET HIT BY A CAR.
I WAS JUST SO EXCITED ABOUT BEING IN NEW YORK.
AND I HOPE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO COME HERE STILL FEEL THAT WAY.
BECAUSE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.
>> IT'S STILL -- >> Stephen: GREATEST CITY IN
THE WORLD. >> IT'S STILL A PLACE PEOPLE
COME TO TO MAKE THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE, WHICH IS WHY YOU HAVE
TO SHOW UP AT THEATERS AND KEEP SUPPORTING THESE-- THESE
ARTISTS. ( APPLAUSE ).
QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK
CHRISTINE ABOUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE FRIENDS WITH STEPHEN
SONDHEIM. STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CHRISTINE
BARANSKI. ONE OF THE THINGS YOU AND I HAVE
BONDED ON IN THE PAST IS OUR MUTUAL LOVE OF STEPHEN SONDHEIM.
AND WE-- WE HAVE NOT HAD A CHANCE TO TALK SINCE STEVE DIED.
AND I-- I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET TO KNOW HIM A LITTLE BIT,
BUT YOU WERE A FRIEND OF HIS. AND I'M JUST CURIOUS, FOR THOSE
OF US WHO REALLY ONLY KNOW HIM AS THIS GENIUS WHO CHANGED A
FORM, WHAT WAS HE LIKE TO HAVE AS A DEAR FRIEND?
>> AH, WELL, I WAS-- LET ME JUST START BY SAYING HOW FORTUNATE I
WAS TO HAVE WORKED WITH HIM OVER THE YEARS ON MANY DIFFERENT
MUSICALS-- ODDLY ENOUGH, NEVER ON BROADWAY, BUT WORKSHOPS AND
FULL PRODUCTIONING AT KENNEDY CENTER.
SO I KNEW HIM, INDEED, AS STEVE SONDHEIM, THE GENIUS.
BUT I THINK IT WAS AFTER "GOTHE WOODS" MERYL AND I WORKED WITH
HIM ON "INTO THE WOODS." AND MERYL LIVES IN CONNECTICUT
AND I LIVE IN THE TOWN NEXT DOOR TO STEVE.
AND I SAID, "WHY DON'T WE JUST KNOCK ON HIS DOOR AND TAKE HIM
OUT TO DINNER." SO WE DID TAKE HIM OUT SEVERAL
TIMES TO AN INN IN CONNECTICUT. AND THE LAST TIME WAS THIS PAST
SUMMER. WE TOOK HIM OUT.
AND FOR YEARS, I HAD WANTED TO TELL HIM ABOUT A DREAM THAT I
HAD. IT'S MY FAVORITE DREAM THAT I'VE
EVER HAD. DO YOU HAVE ACTORS' NIGHTMARES.
>> Stephen: I DO, I DO SOMETIMES, YEAH.
>> WE ALL HAVE THESE NIGHTMARES. JON, DO YOU HAVE MUSICIAN'S
NIGHTMARES? >> Jon: YEAH, SOMETIMES.
.>> IT'S USUALLY FOR ACTORS YOU'RE NAKED ON STAGE AND DON'T
KNOW YOUR LINES -- >> Stephen: OPENING NIGHT, AND
YOU'RE NOT AWARE YOU'VE BEEN CAST IN A PLAY.
>> AN ANXIETY DREAM OF SOME SORT.
I HAD THIS DREAM BACK IN 2006. I WAS DOING A FRENCH FARCE WITH
MARK RYLANCE.. AND WE NEEDED MORE REHEARSALS,
WE NEEDED MORE PREVIEWS AND THEY WEREN'T GOING TO GIVE IT TO US
BECAUSE THEY WERE OPENING FOR THE TONYS.
SO IT WAS LIKE OKAY, WE WERE ALL JUST VERY NERVOUS.
AND I HAD THIS ACTOR'S DREAM. AND FOR YEARS I WANTED TO TELL
IT TO STEVE BECAUSE TO ME IT WAS SO SPECIAL.
AND I THOUGHT I CAN'T TELL STEPHEN SONDHEIM MY DREAM.
I DON'T KNOW HIM WELL. WHATEVER.
ANYWAY, AT THIS DINNER, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE MY FINAL DINNER
WITH STEVE THIS SUMMER, I SAID-- WE WERE AT HIS HOUSE HAVING
DRINKS BEFORE DINNER. AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, STEVE,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU THIS."
HE SAID, "NO, NO, GO AHEAD AHEAD, TELL ME."
THE DREAM IS THIS: I'M IN A LARGE, LARGE REHEARSAL HALL.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE A SOUND STAGE. AND THERE ARE THESE HUGE SET
PIECES THAT ARE ALMOST LIKE THE SIZE OF A T. REX.
AND, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND.
BUT I SEE PIERCE BROSNAN, AND I THINK, OH, OKAY, I MUST BE IN A
MUSICAL. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: FROM HIS WORK IN "MAMA MIA."
>> YES. SUDDENLY I HEAR A VOICE SAYING,
"PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING. THERE'S A NUCLEAR ATTACK
IMMINENT." I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO GET HEME. I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.
SO I LEAVE THIS REHEARSAL BUILDING, AND I'M RUNNING DOWN
THE STREET. AND I'M LIKE OH, MY GOD, I'VE
FORGOTTEN MY HANDBAG. I CAN'T GET A CAB.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT MY HANDBAG.
AND I'LL SOMEHOW GET TO A BANK AND THE BANK WILL GIVE ME MONEY
AND I'LL BE ABLE TO GET HOME SOMEHOW.
ANYWAY, I'M RACING DOWN THE STREET, AND WHO I DO SEE BUT
STEPHEN SONDHEIM. I SAY, "STEVE, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS? THIS IS SO SCARY."
I SAID, "I'M GOING TO THE BANK, WHERE ARE YOU GO?"
AND HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO THE BANK AS WELL."
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE TELLING THIS TO STEPHEN SONDHEIM.
>> I'M TELLING THIS TO STEPHEN SONDHEIM, AND THERE'S AN
IMMINENT NUCLEAR ATTACK, BUT WHILE WE'RE WALKING, I HAVE TO
TELL HIM HOW MUCH I HAVE ADMIRED HIS WORK AND WHAT IT MEANT TO ME
TO HAVE BEEN IN SO MANY OF HIS MUSICALS.
WE'RE ABOUT TO BE NUKED. SO WE GET TO THE BANK, WE GET TO
THE BANK, AND I GET IN LINE. "I'VE JUST GOT TO GET HOME
SOMEHOW. THERE'S A NUCLEAR ATTACK."
WHAT DO I SEE BUT STEVE SONDHEIM IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK AT THE
BANK. "I DIDN'T KNOW STEVE SONDHEIM
WAS A BANKER." ( LAUGHTER )
SAYS, "COME HERE." SO HE GETS ME TO THE FRONT OF
LINE. HE SAYS, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."
I SAID, "STEVE, I DON'T HAVE ANY IDENTIFICATION."
HE SAID, "PLEASE, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I'LL LOOK UP YOUR ACCOUNT." AND STEVE SONDHEIM IS LOOKING UP
MY ACCOUNT. DON'T YOU LOVE DREAMS.
HE'S LOOKING UP MY ACCOUNT AND HE SAID, "YEAH, YOU HAVE THIS
CHECKING ACCOUNT HERE. BUT, CHRISTINE, THERE'S THIS--
THERE'S THIS SAVINGS ACCOUNT HERE.
HAVE YOU-- IT'S NEVER BEEN TOUCHED."
I SAID, "WHAT?" HE SAID, "THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN THIS ACCOUNT.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT?" I SAID, "NO.
REALLY?" AND THAT'S WHEN I WAKE UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T GET THE
NUMBER? YOU DIDN'T GET THE ROUTING
NUMBER? SO YOU TELL HIM.
>> I TELL HIM, AND HE LAUGHED, AND HE SAID, "THAT'S YOUR
CREATIVE LIFE." HE SAID, "YOU DIDN'T REALIZE
YOUR OWN POTENTIAL AS A PERFORMER AND AS A SINGER.
YOU HAD ALL THIS MONEY IN THE BANK."
SO I WAS SO HAPPY TO TELL HIM THAT, BECAUSE WHEN I WORKED WITH
STEVE, I FELT I HAD TO REALLY RISE TO THE OCCASION.
YOU KNOW, HIS WORK DEMANDS SO MUCH, AND IT'S SUCH A PRIVILEGE.
SO I DID. I GOT TO TELL STEVE SONDHEIM MY
DREAM. >> Stephen: AND YOU STILL HAVE
TIME TO CUT THOSE CHECKS. ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KENNETH3
BRANAGH, EVERYBODY. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
"THE GILDED AGE," CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
YOUR NEW PROJECT IS YOU ARE IN JULIAN FELLOWS, THE GUY WHO
CREATED "DOWNTON ABBEY" ON HBO. IT'S CALLED "THE GILDED AGE."
AND IT'S ABOUT LATE 1880s. >> 1882.
>> Stephen: IN NEW YORK. WHICH IS WHEN-- WE'RE KIND OF IN
ANOTHER GILDED AGE RIGHT NOW. >> I KNOW, I WAS WATCHING YOU
TELL-- SPEAK ABOUT ALL THAT, AND I THOUGHT WE'RE GOING THROUGH
ANOTHER GILDED AGE, UNBRIDLED WEALTH.
BUT THE GILDED AGE WAS JUST AFTER THE CIVIL WAR, AND IT
REALLY WAS THE BEGINNING OF AMERICAN CAPITALISM.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE WITH YOUR CHARACTER?
>> WELL, MY CHARACTER IS, OF COURSE, OLD MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) OLD MONEY WAS "WE GOT HERE
BEFORE YOU DID, SO WE'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ON YOU.
YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T COME TO OUR CLUB."
BUT SHE'S RATHER HORRIFIED BY THE NEW MONEY BECAUSE THERE'S A
HUGE MANSION BEING BUILT DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET.
IT WOULD BE LIKE A TRUMP HOTEL BEING BUILT ACROSS FROM MY BROWN
STONE. I'M ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED.
BUT MY NIECE COMES TO LIVE WITH ME BECAUSE SHE GOT NO MONEY FROM
HER FATHER, AND SHE HAS TO COME TONEW YORK AND LIVE WITH HER
TWO AUNTS, ONE OF WHOM IS MYSELF, AND THE OTHER IS CYNTHIA
NIXON'S CHARACTER, ADA. ANYWAY, I TELL HER ABOUT OLD NEW
YORK, THAT SHE IS IN FACT FROM OLD NEW YORK, AND THAT WE DON'T
ASSOCIATE WITH THE NEW PEOPLE. >> Stephen: JIM.
>> NOW, YOU NEED TO KNOW, WE ONLY RECEIVE THE OLD PEOPLE IN
THIS HOUSE, NOT THE NEW, NEVER THE NEW.
>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? >> THE OLD HAVE BEEN IN CHARGE
SINCE BEFORE THE REVOLUTION. THEY RULED, JUSTLY, UNTIL THE
NEW PEOPLE INVADED. >> IT'S NOT QUITE AS SIMPLE AS
THAT. >> YES, IT IS.
>> WELL, I'M NEW. I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED.
>> MARION, NEVER MIND THAT THE BROOKS HAVE BEEN IN PENNSYLVANIA
FOR A CENTURY AND A HALF. MY MOTHER, YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS
A LIVINGSTON, LIVINGSTON MANOR, AND THEY CAME TO THE CITY IN
1674. YOU BELONG TO OLD NEW YORK, MY
DEAR, AND DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
YOU ARE MY NIECE, AND YOU BELONG TO OLD NEW YORK.
( APPLAUSE ). TICKET.
IT IS WORTH THE TICKET JUST FOR THE WARDROBE AND AND THE LOCATI.
>> INDEED. AND NOBODY WRITES A SNOB LIKE
JULIAN FELLOWS. I'VE GOT THE HUGE COSTUMES AND
THE WHITHERRINGLY SNOBBISH LINES.
>> Stephen: ARE THOSE ACCURATE THOSE COSTUMES.
>> OH, YES. >> Stephen: THE CORSETS AND
ALL THAT. >> IT'S COMPLETELY ACCURATE, AD
IT'S GOBS OF FABRIC. IT'S AS THOUGH YOU TOOK YOUR
GRANDMOTHERS FLOOR-TO- CEILING VELVET CURTAINS AND WRAPPED THEM
AROUND YOUR BODY AND YOU CARRIED THEM AROUND.
IT'S LIKE REALLY HUGE AMOUNTS OF FABRIC AND BEADING AND WIGS.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?
WHAT IS IT A CORSET LIKE? OBVIOUSLY, I'M WEARING SPANX
RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU DRAWN INTO THESE CORSETS
AND EVERYTHING? >> YEAH.
THEY PUT IT ON YOU AND THEY KEEP PULLING AND PULLING AND PULLING,
AND THEY'LL SAY, "IS IT TOO TIGHT?"
AND YOU'LL SAY NO, I THINK IT'S OKAY.
BECAUSE OF COURSE YOU'RE A WOMAN AND YOU WANT YOUR WAIST TO
LOOK-- "NO, NO, KEEP GOING, IT'S FINE."
"REALLY, ARE YOU SURE?" "OH, YES, I'LL TELL YOU."
"ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN BREATHE?" "OH, YES, I CAN BREATHE."
YOU GET INTO THIS THING AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SET AND TWO HOURS
LATER YOU GO, "I CAN'T BREATHE!" BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.
IT'S-- THOSE WOMEN, THEY ACTUALLY, SOCIETY WAS VERY TIGHT
AND PULLED IN AND S SO WERE THER CLOTHES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF YOU HAVE TO ANSWER NATURE'S CALL?
HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE? >> THEY DIDN'T FACTOR THAT IN,
YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: BACK THEN THEY
DIDN'T DO IT. THEY WERE ABOVE IT.
>> WE HAD THESE HUGE COVER THEUMES BUT WE WERE ON A SOUND
STAGE THAT DIDN'T HAVE ANY LADIES' OR MEN'S ROOMS.
WE HAD TO GO-- WE HAD TO LEAVE THE SOUND STAGE AND CROSS THE
STREET AND GO TO A PORTA POTTY. NOW, YOU'VE BEEN IN PORT A
POTTIES, RIGHT? THEY'RE ABOUT THIS BIG.
SO YOU'D GONE IN WITH YOUR -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A BUSTLE.
>> BUSTLES AND PET COATS. AND YOU HOIST IS UP, AND YOU'RE
IN THIS TINY STALL. AND THEN YOU'D JUST HOPE TO GOD
YOU COULD STRATEGICALLY AIM, AND, YOU KNOW...
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK. >> IT'S A CHAMPAGNE PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: YES. CHRISTINE, LOVELY TO YOU HAVE
AGAIN. >> OH, MY GOSH, IT'S A PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
"THE GILDED AGE" PREMIERS JANUARY 24 ON HBO AND HBO MAX.
CHRISTINE BARANSKI, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY NATION OF LANGUAGE.
TELEVISION DEBUT WITH "ACROSS THAT FINE LINE" FROM THEIR
ALBUM, "A WAY FORWARD," NATION OF LANGUAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ REACH OUT, CALL MY NAME WHENEVER YOU WANT
♪ FACED WITH THE FINAL CONVULSION
♪ CONTORTING MY TONGUE REACH OUT, FALL MY WAY
♪ EASING AROUND IT'S NOT A WORD THAT'S EXCHANGED
♪ IT'S SOMETHING ELSE AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
♪ ACROSS THAT FINE LINE I DIED A HUNDRED TIMES
♪ I RECKON YOU COULD LET IT BLEED
♪ I'M RESIGNED REACH OUT, CRAWL MY WAY
♪ ANY TIME "RAPID, INDIRECT FEELINGS"
♪ I QUALIFY EVERY DAY WE'RE CIRCLING
♪ NEVER CLOSING IN ON WHAT WE WANT
♪ BUT CAN YOU FEEL THE QUICKENING
♪ SEVEN MILLION MOMENTS DOWN TO ONE
♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK ACROSS THAT FINE LINE
♪ I DIED A HUNDRED TIMES I RECKON YOU COULD
♪ LET IT BLEED I'M RESIGNED
♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK ACROSS THAT FINE LINE
♪ I DIED A HUNDRED TIMES I RECKON YOU COULD
♪ LET IT BLEED I'M RESIGNED
♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
ACROSS THAT FINE LINE ♪ I DIED A HUNDRED TIMES
I RECKON YOU COULD ♪ LET IT BLEED
I'M RESIGNED ♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
ACROSS THAT FINE LINE ♪ I DIED A HUNDRED TIMES
I RECKON YOU COULD ♪ LET IT BLEED
I'M RESIGNED ♪ AND I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
ACROSS THAT FINE LINE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE DIONNE WARWICK AND DAVID CROSS.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.