FOUR ANTI VACCINE MANDATE PROTESTERS ARRESTED JUST OUTSIDE
OF THE OLIVE GARDEN IN TIMES SQUARE.
THEY WERE THERE FOR NEARLY TWO HOURS, EXPRESSING THEIR
OPPOSITION TO THE CITY'S FOLLOWING THE RESTAURANT VACCINE
MANDATE, AND EVEN ARGUED WITH PATRONS AND N.Y.P.D. OFFICERS.
>> ARE YOU AN ANTI-VAXXER WHO IS TIRED OF RESTAURANTS WITH AN
AUTHORITARIAN VACCINE MANDATE? THEN VISIT THE COVID GARDEN, THE
ONLY RESTAURANT CHAIN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HEALTH
REGULATIONS. OUR EMPLOYEES NEVER WASH THEIR
HANDS, GUARANTEED. ENJOY SIGNATURE COVID DISHES
LIKE QUARANTINI ALFREDO. ONE TASTE AND YOU'LL SAY, "I
CAN'T TASTE ANYTHING." ALSO ON THE MENU, SPINACH AND
ARTICHOKE DIPHTHERIA, FRIED MOZZARUBELLA STICKS, SPAGHETTI
CARBONANTHRAX, AND CHICKEN MALARIA.
MMM, JUST LIKE MOMMA USED TO CONTRACT.
SO VISIT TODAY, AND LET OUR CUCINA SEND YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL-IANO. THE COVID GARDEN: WHEN YOU'RE
HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY'S IN DANGER.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: BRIAN COX
AND SAMANTHA BEE
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Audience: STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: IF YOU'RE WATCHING
THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW, GOOD NEWS: THE WORLD DID NOT END.
TOUCH AND GO. BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, A
LARGE POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS ASTEROID PASSED BY THE EARTH.
MAN, THE OSCAR CAMPAIGN FOR "DON'T LOOK UP" IS OUT OF
CONTROL. ( LAUGHTER )
TOO FAR. IT'S TOO MUCH.
THE ASTEROID IS CALLED 1994 PC1.
SO, IT LOOKS LIKE ELON MUSK WILL HAVE TO CHOSE A DIFFERENT NAME
FOR HIS NEXT CHILD. ( LAUGHTER )
BURJ KHALIFA IN DUBAI AND MORE THAN TWICE THE SIZE OF THE
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY.
OKAY, WHO COMES UP WITH THESE SIZE COMPARISONS?
GUYS! I FOUND A DEATH COMET!
DO WE WANT TO SAY IT'S THE SIZE OF A COUPLE OF EMPIRE STATE
BUILDINGS? BECAUSE IT'S REALLY MORE LIKE
THREE M&Ms STORES PLUS HALF A YANKEE STADIUM.
OR TWO COSTCOS MINUS A TAJ MAHAL.
OR MAYBE A ONE-TENTH OF RHODE ISLAND, AND WE'RE DEAD.
AND HERE IT IS. ALL IN ALL--
( APPLAUSE ) AND WE'RE DEAD!
COME ON. THEY'RE JUST JOKING.
THEY'RE JUST JOSHING. WE'RE JUST JOSHING.
OH, KEEP IT LIGHT. ALL IN ALL, IT REALLY SOUNDS
LIKE WE DODGED A BULLET-- UNTIL YOU LEARN THE ASTEROID WAS
1.2 MILLION MILES AWAY, WHICH IS ABOUT FIVE TIMES THE DISTANCE
FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON. DAMMIT, SCIENCE THAT IS NOT
CLOSE. WE'RE ALREADY DEALING WITH A
PANDEMIC, GLOBAL WARMING, AND THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY.
OUR PANIC DANCE CARD IS PRETTY FULL ALREADY.
AND SO ARE OUR PANTS. KNOCK IT OFF.
SPEAKING OF THINGS NOT HAPPENING: CONGRESS.
TODAY, SENATE DEMOCRATS PRESSED AHEAD WITH AN EFFORT TO PASS NEW
VOTING RIGHTS PROTECTIONS THROUGH CONGRESS, EVEN THOUGH
THE MEASURE APPEARS ALL BUT DEAD.
COME ONE, GUYS. DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT.
IN THE SENATE, THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS THAT APPEAR ALL BUT DEAD.
NOW, DESPITE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GET BACK. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
DESPITE HOW POPULAR THESE BILLS ARE, THEY SEEM DOOMED, THANKS TO
A FILIBUSTER BY THE REPUBLICANS IN THE SENATE.
NOW, DEMOCRATS COULD MODIFY THE FILIBUSTER RULES TO EXCLUDE
VOTING RIGHTS BILLS, BUT THAT'S BEING BLOCKED BY SENATORS
KYRSTEN SINEMA AND JOE MANCHIN ( BOOING )
SEEN HERE CROWDING INTO AN ELEVATOR WITH ALL OF THEIR
FRIENDS. ( LAUGHTER )
VOTE ANYWAY, BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY NEED TO PUT WHO'S FOR AND
WHO'S AGAINST VOTING RIGHTS ON THE RECORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAY THEM ON THE TABLE.
PUT THEM ON THE TABLE. AS SENATOR MARTIN HEINRICH
PUT IT: "WHETHER IT'S GOOD STRATEGY OR
NOT, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE VOTES ARE
BEING JEOPARDIZED. IT'S ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL THAT
THEY UNDERSTAND WHO IS ON THEIR SIDE.
THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE ONCE YOU KNOW-- ONCE YOU
KNOW WHICH POLITICIANS ARE KEPING YOU FROM BEING ABLE TO
VOTE, YOU CAN VOTE THEM OUT-- AND I SEE THE PROBLEM.
I SEE THE PROBLEM. THAT IS A TOUGHY.
THAT'S A POSER, IS WHAT THAT IS.
PEOPLE ARE FRUSTRATED-- PEOPLE LIKE MUSICAL LEGEND STEVIE
WONDER, WHO RELEASED THIS STATEMENT ON YOUTUBE:
>> ANY SENATOR WHO CANNOT SUPPORT THE PROTECTION OF VOTING
RIGHTS IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA CANNOT SAY THAT THEY
SUPPORT THE CONSTITUTION. STOP THE HYPOCRISY.
CUT THE BULL-TISH.
>> Stephen: OH! OH!
DID YOU HEAR THAT? OH,
OH, TISH! I WANT TO THANK STEVIE WONDER
FOR STANDING UP FOR DEMOCRACY AND SWEARING IN A WAY I CAN AIR
ON MY CBS TELEVISION SHOW. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU, SIR, ARE ONE BAD MUTHA TRUCKER.
AND, SENATORS, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE STEVIE WONDER
THAT ANGRY? THE MEANEST THING HE'S EVER SAID
UP UNTIL NOW WAS, "YOU'RE JUST MY PART-TIME LOVER."
( LAUGHTER ) >> IF YOU CARE AND SUPPORT OUR
RIGHTS, DO THE HARD WORK. YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY, BUT
YOU CAN PROTECT ALL OF US. TO KEEP IT ALL THE WAY REAL, THE
FILIBUSTER IS NOT WORKING FOR DEMOCRACY.
WHY WON'T YOU? >> Stephen: OOOO!
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT IS REALLY
GOOD. YOU TELL 'EM, STEVEN T. WONDER.
HE THEN SET HIS FEELINGS TO MUSIC AND RELEASED IT ON THE NEW
ALBUM, "SONGS IN THE KEY OF KUF YOU."
FEATURING HITS LIKE:
♪ IVORY AND IVORY ♪ LIVE TOGETHER IN PERFECT HARMONY
OF COURSE, THE 2022 CAMPAIGN IS ALREADY UNDERWAY.
DOWN IN LOUISIANA, YOUR HOME STATE, JON,
ONE SENATE CANDIDATE HAS A NEW AD TALKING ABOUT LEGALIZING
MARIJUANA AND POINTING OUT THE RACIAL DISPARITY IN DRUG
ENFORCEMENT: >> MOST OF THE PEOPLE POLICE ARE
ARRESTING AREN'T DEALERS, BUT RATHER, PEOPLE WITH SMALL
AMOUNTS OF POT, JUST LIKE ME. I'M GARY CHAMBERS, AND I'M
RUNNING FOR THE U.S. SENATE, AND I APPROVE THIS.
( APPLAUSE ). WHERE HIS MOUTH IS.
PUTTING IT OUT THERE. HE'S GETTING HIGH IN HIS
CAMPAIGN AD. WE HAVEN'T SEEN A MOVE THAT BOLD
SINCE EISENHOWER'S PRO -CRYSTAL METH SLOGAN, "IKE LIKE ICE."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF HE WINS THE PRIMARY,
CHAMBERS' REPUBLICAN OPPONENT WOULD BE LOUISIANA SENATOR AND
DOG WATCHING YOU EAT A MEATBALL, JOHN KENNEDY.
AND IT WOULD BE QUITE A DEBATE. LISTEN TO SOME OF KENNEDY'S
RECENT QUOTES: >> GETTING RID OF THE 60 -VOTE
THRESHOLD IN THE SENATE, IN MY JUDGMENT, WOULD BE LIKE GIVING
WHISKEY AND CAR KEYS TO A TEENAGE BOY.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, TREY, BUT MY CAR DOES NOT RUN OFF
FAIRY DUST. MY CAR DOESN'T RUN OFF UNICORN
URINE. MOST AMERICANS UNDERSTAND THAT
TO A BEAR, WE ALL TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH CANDIDATE IS HIGH?
( LAUGHTER ) ONE THING-- TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.
TASTE LIKE CHICKEN. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
ONE THING THAT IS DEFINITELY STILL HAPPENING IS THE PANDEMIC.
WHILE OMICRON APPEARS TO HAVE PEAKED HERE IN NEW YORK, SOME
COUNTRIES ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, LIKE IN BEIJING, WHERE
THEY LOCKED DOWN AN OFFICE BUILDING WITH WORKERS STILL
INSIDE AFTER A SINGLE OMICRON CASE WAS DETECTED.
HEY, ANTI-VAXXERS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE C.D. C.'S COMMUNIST
POLICIES, WHY DON'T YOU TRY PROTESTING AT THE BEIJING OLIVE
GARDEN? LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M-- A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.
JUST ASKING FOR A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE HERE.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE FED UP WITH THESE MASKHOLES.
IN MEXICO, LEONARDO SCHWEBEL, AN ANCHOR FOR TELEDIARIO
GUADALAJARA-- MEXICO'S NEWS LEADER-- HAS HAD JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WHATEVER COUNTRY YOU'RE FROM, WE ALL SPEAK THE UNIVERSAL
LANGUAGE OF (BLEEP) THIS (BLEEP).
I HOPE ALL THE ANTIVAXERS IN MEXICO SAW THAT, ESPECIALLY THE
ONES WHO SAY THEY HEARD THE VACCINE GIVES THEIR COUSIN'S
FRIEND LOS HUEVOS GIGANTES. ( LAUGHTER )
I HEARD THAT, YEAH. IT'S NOT JUST PEOPLE AT RISK FOR
COVID. RECENTLY, LIONS AT A ZOO IN
SOUTH AFRICA GOT SEVERE COVID-19 FROM ASYMPTOMATIC ZOO HANDLERS.
NOW, DON'T WORRY, THE LIONS WILL BE JUST FINE.
AFTER 10 DAYS OF ISOLATION, THEY'LL GO BACK TO THEIR NORMAL,
HEALTHY ROUTINE OF TRYING TO TAKE A NAP IN THE SHADE WHILE
SCHOOL KIDS THROW ICE AT THEM. THESE ZOO INFECTIONS RAISE
CONCERNS ABOUT THE CREATION OF NEW VARIANTS, BECAUSE AFTER THE
ANIMALS CATCH THE VIRUS, THE DISEASE COULD MUTATE IN THEM AND
RE-INFECT HUMANS. OKAY, WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
DISNEY'S NEW UPDATE OF THE LION KING:
( VERY WET GROSS COUGHING )
>> Stephen: THAT'S A-- I BELIEVE THEY CALL THAT A
HAKUNA MUTATA. IN ORDER TO PREVENT THE SPREAD
OF COVID FROM ANIMALS BACK TO HUMANS, RESEARCHERS ARE
SUGGESTING MASK-WEARING, AS WELL AS BARRIERS, SO THAT VISITORS TO
ZOOS CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE TO THEM.
THEY'VE ALSO INSTALLED SIGNS THAT SAY, "PLEASE DON'T TONGUE
THE LIONS." ( LAUGHTER )
IN HONG KONG, RIGHT. IN HONG KONG, IT WAS ANNOUNCED
THAT 11 HAMPSTERS TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE DELTA VARIANT.
I KNOW IT'S ADORABLE, BUT WE HAVE TO STOP THESE UNLIKELY
LION-HAMSTER FRIENDSHIPS. TO KEEP THE VIRUS FROM
BETWEEN A CLOSE BRUSH WITH AN ASTEROID, A TEETERING DEMOCRACY,
AND A RAGING PLAGUE, IT CAN FEEL LIKE THE END TIMES.
BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, SUNNYVALE, A CALIFORNIA
CITY, HAS BEEN OVERRUN BY CROWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THE CROWS DON'T
POSE ANY SERIOUS PUBLIC HEALTH RISK.
AS ONE DOCTOR EXPLAINED, "YOU'D HAVE TO LICK ALL THE CROW
DROPPINGS ON A PARK BENCH TO COME EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO
CATCHING SOMETHING FROM A CROW ROOST."
REMIND ME NOT TO SIGN UP FOR ANY OF THAT GUY'S STUDIES.
( AS SCIENTIST ) OKAY, KEEP LICKING.
HOW DO YOU FEEL? ARE YOU SICK YET?
LICK ANOTHER BENCH." SO, SOY, SO--
THE CROWS AREN'T DANGEROUS, BUT THEY ARE A NUISANCE.
LUCKILY, THE CITY HAS A SECRET WEAPON: LASERS.
PEW! PEW!
OKAY, YOU'LL SCARE AWAY THE CROWS, BUT THEY'LL JUST BE
REPLACED BY THOUSANDS OF EXCITED CATS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
A FEW CAT OWNERS HERE. WHY LASERS?
BECAUSE WHEN CROWS SEE A GREEN LASER SHINING IN THE TREES AT
NIGHT, THEY THINK ANIMALS ARE RUNNING OVER THE BRANCHES, AND
THEY FLY SOMEWHERE ELSE. THAT SOUNDS COMPLICATED.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOMETHING PEOPLE HAVE USED FOR CENTURIES
TO SCARE AWAY CROWS. SOME SORT OF...
CROW-FRIGHTENER. A FEAR-CROW.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. UGH, IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
IF THE LASERS DON'T WORK, ONE ORNITHOLOGIST SUGGESTED THAT
OFFICIALS AIM FIRECRACKERS AND BOTTLE ROCKETS AT THE BIRDS,
WHICH WILL MAKE THEM FREAK OUT. THAT ADVICE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
WORLD-RENOWNED CROW EXPERT KYLE FROM ACROSS THE STREET.
( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BRIAN COX AND SAMANTHA BEE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE "THE !
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AUDIENCE TONIGHT, JON. >> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: A LOVELY ATTRACTIVE GROUP OF PEOPLE OUT
HERE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WE HAVE AN AMAZING SHOW.
COMING UP SOON FROM "SUCCESSION" WE CAN BRIAN COX COMING OUT.
( APPLAUSE ) SWEETHEART, SAMANTHA BEE IS
GOING TO BE HERE. ( APPLAUSE )
OLD FRIEND OF THE SHOW. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I'M OVER THERE DOING THE MONOLOGUE.
AND THEN THERE'S A COMMERCIAL BREAK, AND THEN I'M SITTING
HERE. AND I DO A REALLY LONG
DESCRIPTION OF A DIFFERENT SEGMENT ON THE SHOW, A SEGMENT
WE CALL... "MEANWHILE!" ( APPLAUSE )
NOT TONIGHT! FIRST TIME.
SORRY!
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
MEANWHILE, IN MUSIC VIDEO NEWS, "BABY SHARK" IS THE FIRST
YouTube VIDEO TO CROSS 10 BILLION VIEWS.
OR, AS PARENTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN WOULD SAY, SEEMS LOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BEGINNING OF THE NFL
PLAYOFFS, AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS BEAT THE STEELERS.
THE WIN COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO FANS.
OR, APPARENTLY, TO THE STEELERS' QUARTERBACK, BEN ROTHLISBERGER,
WHO SAID THIS DAYS BEFORE THE GAME:
>> I WOULD ASSUME AS A GROUP YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE PROBABLY
AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. WE'RE PROBABLY NOT A VERY GOOD
FOOTBALL TEAM. I MEAN, WE'RE PROBABLY 20 -POINT
UNDERDOGS, AND WE'RE GOING TO THE ONE TEAM...
ARGUABLY THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL.
WE DON'T HAVE A CHANCE. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU WANT TO KEEP IT REAL, BUT YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK
WHAT DO YOU SAY IN THE HUDDLE? "ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
FIRST AND TEN. LET'S JUST PUNT AND GET THIS
OVER WITH. I WANNA RUN BY THE DRY CLEANERS
BEFORE IT CLOSES. HANDS IN, EVERYBODY.
DEATH COMES FOR US ALL!" ( APPLAUSE )
DOES. IT DOES.
MEANWHILE, WE HAVE YET ANOTHER
EXTREMELY RARE: "MEANWHILE UPDATE!"
( APPLAUSE ) ABOUT THE DISASTROUS TWITTER
TAKEOVER BY THE PORTLAND PICKLES' BASEBALL TEAM THAT WENT
SIDEWAYS WHEN THEIR MASCOT DILLON POSTED THIS PHOTO.
THE CLUB CLAIMED THAT DILLON, RIGHT THERE, THAT THING RIGHT
THERE, WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE FANS A THUMBS UP, EXACTLY AT
CROTCH HEIGHT. WELL, I HAD AN OPINION:
WHEN YOU'RE DOING A GESTURE, THE PLACEMENT OF THE HAND IS REALLY
IMPORTANT. THERE'S A REASON NIXON DIDN'T
GIVE THE PEACE SIGN LIKE THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT ONE OF MY VIEWERS WAS
CONFUSED BY THAT JOKE. HIS NAME IS JACK MORESCHI,
AND HE HAPPENS TO BE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY PRODUCERS, OPUS
MORESCHI. AFTER SEEING THE SHOW,
MR. MORESCHI TEXTED HIS SON: "HEY, WHY THE BIG LAUGH OVER
NIXON GESTURE ON FRIDAY NIGHT'S SHOW?
LOOKED LIKE HE WAS HOLDING HIS MOUTH IN A SMILE, BUT IT GOT A
BIG LAUGH, BIGGER THAN IT WARRANTED.
SO THERE MUST BE ANOTHER EXPLANATION.
CLUE US IN, PLEASE." ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, NOW-- OPUS DID NOT ANSWER HIS FATHER.
AND YOU'LL NOTE, THAT TEXT WAS SENT YESTERDAY AT 9:38 P .M.
THEN, THIS MORNING, AT 8:37 A.M., JACK FOLLOWS UP WITH HIS
SON: "SO?"
HE'S BEEN TURNING IT OVER IN HIS HEAD ALL NIGHT:
"WHAT COULD IT PSSIBLY MEAN? IS HE GONNA POKE HIMSELF IN THE
EYES? IS HE COUNTING HIS SHOES?
HOW IS THAT A JOKE? DAMN THESE INFERNAL LATE -NIGHT
HOOLIGANS!" AS OF THIS TAPING, JACK'S
QUESTION REMAINS UNANSWERED. WHY?
BECAUSE OPUS IS A COWARD. TOO SCARED TO LOOK HIS OWN
FATHER IN THE EYE AND EXPLAIN THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.
WELL, CLEARLY, SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE ADULT IN THE ROOM.
SO NOW I HAVE TO DO WHAT OPUS IS TOO SCARED TO DO.
MR. MORESCHI SENIOR, PLEASE MEET ME OVER ON "THE BIRDS AND THE
BEES" CAM. OKAY, OKAY.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT GESTURE THAT WE SHOWED A
PHOTO OF, THEY'RE SUGGESTING... UM-- HOW ABOUT THIS: SOMETIMES
YOU TAKE A TRIP DOWNTOWN AND YOU ARE HUNGRY AND YOU MIGHT WANT
TO, SAY, HAVE DINNER AT THE "Y." OR, LET'S SAY, MEET A FRIEND AT
THE LOCAL DINER TO HAVE SOME TACOS, AT THE MUNCHERY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? GOOGLE IT.
SORRY, OPUS. I TRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST-- I CAN'T.
I GOTTA MOVE ON. I CAN'T.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS NOW SAY THAT FACE MASKS MAKE PEOPLE LOOK
MORE ATTRACTIVE. THANKS FOR THE CONFIDENCE BOOST,
SCIENCE. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE
YOU A LOT MORE APPEALING? LESS OF THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) SUSHI ROLLS AT AN
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH ACID
REFLUX AFTER DOWNING EIGHT GREEN DRAGON ROLLS, EIGHT SNOW ROLLS,
EIGHT CALIFORNIA ROLLS, AND EIGHT WAKAME ROLLS.
PLUS MISO SOUP, FOUR GYOZAS, A HELPING OF EDAMAME, AND A FEW
JALAPENO POPPERS. AH, YES, JALAPENO POPPERS--
THE TRADITIONAL JAPANESE DELICACY HAILING FROM THE
PREFECTURE OF "OKIN -APPLEBEES." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRIAN
COX. ( APPLAUSE ).
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!"
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST THIS EVENING IS AN EMMY
AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "TROY," "THE BOURNE
IDENTITY," AND AS THE PATRIARCH WE LOVE TO HATE ON "SUCCESSION."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRIAN COX
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: HOW IS THE NEW
YEAR TREATING YOU? >> FAIRLY HECTIC.
FAIRLY HECTIC. I DIDN'T STOP.
I'M STUPID. I'M A FOOL, REALLY.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> I DON'T TAKE IT EASY.
I THIS HAVE THING, IT'S THE THING IN IMPROVISATION.
IN IMPROVISE AS YOU CAN NEVER SAY NO.
YOU HAVE TO SAY, "YES, AND." YOU DO THAT IN A CAREER AND YOU
END UP DOING A LOT OF STUFF. >> Stephen: IT AGGREGATES.
>> SO I DID THREE PICTURES SINCE I'VE DONE "SUCCESSION."
>> Stephen: SOMEWHERE, IN ALL OF THAT, IN ALL OF THAT HURLEY
BURLY, YOU MANAGED TO ALSO WRITE A MEMOIR CALLED "PUTTING THE
RABBIT IN THE HAT." FIRST OF ALL, WHAT DOES THAT
TITLE MEAN, "PUTTING THE RABBIT IN THE HAT?"
>> IT COMES FROM-- YEARS AGO I DID A PLAY CALLED TAMBORLANE THE
GREAT. >> Stephen: I KNOW IT.
>> WE HAVE AN EDUCATED AUDIENCE. WHAT HAPPENED WAS, WE REHEARSED
IT AND WE REHEARSED IT FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER, AND IT'S
CHRISTOPHER MARLO, WHICH IS TEDIOUS, TO SAY THE LEAST.
ALBERT FINNEY WAS VERY LIKE THAT ( WITH A GRAVELLY VOICE."
LET'S GET THE RABID OUT OF THE HAT.
THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO, JUST GET THE RABBIT OUT OF THE HAT!"
AN ACTOR WHO IS IN IT WITH ME SAID, "HOW DO WE GET THE RABBIT
INTO THE HAT?" THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "PUTTING
THE RABBIT INTO THE HAT." >> Stephen: IT'S A REASONABLE
QUESTION. IT'S A BOOK, BEING AN ACTOR FOR
60 YEARS NOW? >> 60.
>> Stephen: 60 AROUND? THAT'S A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
( APPLAUSE ) YOUR PARENTS.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU--
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SAY ABOUT THEM?
WHAT DID YOU WANT US TO KNOW? AND I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
THERE THEY ARE. >> THAT'S MY MOM AND DAD.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. MOLLIE AND CHICK.
>> CHICK, YEAH. THE REASON WHY, YOU KNOW, THEIR
LIVES WERE NOT-- I MEAN, MY DAD DIED WHEN HE WAS 51.
MY MOM HAD A SERIES OF NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS AFTER THAT.
AND I JUST FELT THAT I WANTED TO ADDRESS THEIR LIVES AND ADDRESS
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LIVE IMMEDIATELY POST-WAR SCOTLAND,
AS IT HAPPENS, AT THE TIME. AND THE KIND OF MISTAKES THAT
WERE MADE IN GOODNESS. MY DAD WAS A VERY GOOD, VERY,
VERY GOOD, PIOUS MAN, AND HE WAS ALWAYS VERY GIVING TO EVERYBODY.
AND HE WOULD-- HE HAD A SHOP-- THAT'S A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH OF
ME AND MY DAD, YEAH. HE HAD A FAVORITE-- HE HAD A
SHOP, AND HE WOULD WORK FROM 10:00 IN THE MORNING EYE MEAN
FROM 5:00 IN THE MORNING UNTIL 10:00 AT NIGHT.
AND THEN, BECAUSE IT WAS IN A GHETTO, HE WOULD GO AND HELP
PEOPLE DECORATE THEIR HOUSE. YOU KNOW, HE WAS THAT KIND OF
GUY. AND MY MOTHER-- IT DROVE MY
MOTHER DEMENTED, ACTUALLY, LITERALLY.
AND SHE SAID, YOU KNOW, IT WAS HARD.
BUT THEN I FOUND THIS AMAZING LETTER FROM HER.
IT WAS ACTUALLY A DIARY ENTRY, WHERE SHE TALKED ABOUT THE
LITTLE DIFFERENCES AND HOW SHE ULTIMATELY FORGAVE HIM, BECAUSE
SHE LOVED HIM, AND HOW DIFFICULT IT WAS TO BE THAT GENEROUS.
AND SHE ALWAYS USED TO SAY TO ME, "REMEMBER, BRIAN, CHARITY
BEGINS AT HOME." IT'S A VERY TELLING THING.
AND I JUST WANTED TO GET IT OUT THERE.
I WANTED TO TELL THAT STORY. >> Stephen: DID YOUR MOTHER--
PARENTS OFTEN WORRY ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN GOING INTO SHOW
BUSINESS, OR ANY SORT OF UNLIKELY PROFESSION, YOU MIGHT
SAY. DID YOUR MOTHER WORRY ABOUT YOU?
>> OH, NO, NO, QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
NO, NO, MY MOTHER WAS-- IT WAS EMBARRASSING, ACTUALLY.
NO, WHAT HAPPENED, I REMEMBER ONCE WHEN-- I DID A-- MY FIRST
JOIVES A TV SHOW. I DID A TV PLAY.
AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAW IT, AND WHAT HAVE
YOU. AND MY MOM DECIDED TO GET A
PETITION TOGETHER WITH THE NEIGHBORS TO GET ME ON
TELEVISION MORE OFTEN. ( LAUGHTER )
SCOTLAND. >> THIS IS IN DUNDEE.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A CLIP
BOARD. >> SHE SAID, "I'VE JUST GONE TO
THE NEIGHBORS AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU MORE ON
TELEVISION." I SAID, "MA, YOU CANNOT DO THAT.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. I'M EMPLOYED FOR AN INDIVIDUAL
WHO HAPPENS TO BE WORKING FOR THE BBC, AND THAT'S HOW I WORK
THERE." SHE SAID, "NO, I THINK WE CAN
MAKE SOME MOVEMENT FOR YOU." >> Stephen: GOD BLESS MOTHERS.
>> WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT NEM.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE AT THIS
TIME, '66? >> I WAS PROBABLY ABOUT 23.
>> Stephen: THAT SMOKE SHOW RIGHT THERE.
LOOK AT THAT. IS THIS YOUR FIRST HEAD SHOT?
>> NO, MY SECOND. MY FIRST WAS A TOTAL DISASTER
AND I HAD TO GO BACK AND GET IT DONE AGAIN.
>> Stephen: HERE YOU ARE IN 1966.
IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME, WHO WERE SORT OF THE ACTORS OF, LIKE, THE
GENERATION BEFORE YOU, WHO YOU WERE LOOKING UP TO?
O'TOOLE? BURTON?
>> O'TOOLE-- CERTAINLY BURTON. BUT ALBERT FINNEY, PARTICULARLY
ALBERT. ALBERT WAS-- FOR ME, ALBERT WAS
A REVELATION. WHEN I WAS A KID, I WANTED TO
ACT SINCE I WAS THIS HIGH. I USED TO GO ON-- WE CALLED THEM
THE PICTURES WHICH WAS THE CINEMA.
I STARTED TO GO WHEN I WAS FIVE. AND I USED TO GO-- WE HAD DOUBLE
FEATURES. IN MY HOME TOWN, WE HAD 21
CINEMAS AT ONE POINT AND THEY WERE KITTY-CORNER TO ONE
ANOTHER. AND WE COULD SEE AS MANY AS
EIGHT MOVIES IN A WEEK. AND I VIRTUALLY DID THAT SINCE
THE AGE OF SIX. THAT'S WHO I WAS GOING TO BE.
BUT THEY'RE ALL AMERICAN MOVIES. I COULDN'T RELATE TO BRITISH OR
ENGLISH MOVIES AT ALL. I COULD ONLY RELATE TO CAGNEY,
AND HUMPHREY BOGARD, AND COMEDIANS LIKE MARTIN AND LEWIS,
NOT JUST LEWIS, MARTIN AND LEWIS, AND DANNY KAY.
THESE WERE PEOPLE WHO WERE PART OF MY WORLD.
I THOUGHT, I'M NOT AMERICAN. THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO
ME. I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE THAT
LINK. AND THEN AT THE AGE OF 14, I
WENT TO THE CINEMA IN THE HILL TOWN OF DUNDY, AND I SAW ALBERT
FINNEY IN "SATURDAY NIGHT AND SUNDAY MORNING."
AND I THOUGHT, IT'S ME, IT'S POSSIBLE.
I CAN DO IT. LOOK, THIS GUY IS DOING IT AND
HE WAS INCREDIBLE. THAT WAS AN AMAZING TIME.
IT WAS A TIME OF GREAT SOCIAL MOBILITY.
I WENT TO A DRAMA SCHOOL. I GOT GRANTS.
NONE OF THAT HAPPENS NOW. YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENED THEN.
AND THE COUNTRY WAS A LOT POORER.
AND THAT'S HOW I STARTED. AND I GOT-- I MANAGED TO GET AN
INTERVIEW WITH MY LOCAL THEATER, AND I WENT 'ROUND THERE, AND IT
WAS FUNNY BECAUSE AS I WALKED INTO THE THEATER, THERE WAS A
FIGHT GOING ON BETWEEN AN ACTOR AND A STAGE MANAGER.
AND THEY WERE DOING ALL THIS-- YOU KNOW, THIS WOULD -BE FIST
CUFFS -- >> Stephen: AN ACTUAL FUT, NOT
A STAGE FIGHT. >> AN ACTUAL FIGHT.
THEY HAD BEEN ON A BENDER APPARENTLY ALL NIGHT.
I DIDN'T THAT. I WAS 15 AND PASSING ALL THESE
PEOPLE. AND IT WAS ALL GOING ON LIKE
THAT. SO I GOT UP THE STAIRS TO THE
LANDING, AND THERE WAS AN ACTOR THERE SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, DARLING IS THERE?
AND I THOUGHT THIS IS OBVIOUSLY WHAT I'VE GOT TO BE, YOU KNOW
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AMUSEMENT AMONG
THE CHAOS. >> SO I REALIZED I WAS BLESSED.
AND I CONSIDER MYSELF BLESSED. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK BRIAN ABOUT SOME OF HIS MOST
MEMORABLE MISHAPS ON STAGE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "SUCCESSION," AND AUTHOR OF
"PUTTING THE RABBIT IN THE HAT," BRIAN COX.
WE KNOW YOU FROM TELEVISION AND FILMS, BUT OF COURSE YOU'VE HAD
A LONG CAREER ON THE STAGE. WHAT I LOVE TALKING ABOUT WITH
PEOPLE WHO MADE THEIR CAREER ON THE STAGE, IN A FILM OR TV SHOW
YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER TAKE. BUT I LOVE THE FACT, IF
SOMETHING GOES WRONG ON STAGE YOU HAVE TO FLUFF IT OUT.
I LIKE TO ASK, ARE TTERE ANY PARTICULAR MEMORABLE MOMENTS
WHEN THINGS WENT SIDEWAYS AND YOU HAD TO KEEP GOING.
>> SEVERAL TIMES. I ONCE DID KING LEAR AND THREW
MY CROWN OFF THAT WAY AND IT WAS SAID IT WENT IN THE FRONT ROW
AND CUT A WOMAN'S HEAD. SHE TURNED TO HER BOYFRIEND,"
AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
AND THE BLOOD WAS ON HIS SHIRT NOT HER HEAD.
AND THE OTHER INCIDENT I WAS PLAYING CAPTAIN AHAB IN "MOBY
DICK," AND I HAD THIS BEG LEG, AND THIS WHOLE THING WHERE I HAD
TO WALK DOWN THE DECK OF THE SHIP AND CLIMB UP ON THE POST
AND KNOCK THE BOOM INTO TE MAST.
AS I CLIMBED UP AND GOT OFF, MY PEG LEG FELL OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) STARTING TO FRACT T FRANTICALLY
SCREW THE PEG LEG BACK ON. >> Stephen: THE CREW IS COMING
OVER. >> THEY'RE COMING ON.
AND I WOULD SAY, "LEAVE TBOYS! LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT!"
AND OF COURSE THEY DID LEAVE IT. SO I WAS MINUS A LEG.
SO I HAD TO GET OFF STAGE, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY PAINFUL TO GET
OFF STAGE ON ONE LEG, MINUS MY PEG.
BUT I DID EVENTUALLY MAKE IT. BUT-- AND THIS IS WHERE MY
SUSPICION OF CRITICS-- WELL, ACTUALLY IT BEGAN BEFORE THEN,
BUT IT CERTAINLY WAS, YOU KNOW, SOLIDIFIED THEN.
THE FOLLOWING DAY I GOT A RAVE REVIEW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE SAID, "AND THIS
EXTRAORDINARY MOMENT WHERE THE VULNERABILITY OF AHAB CAME
THROUGH IN THE MOMENT HE LOST HIS PEG LEG, AND THE CREW TRIED
TO HELP HIM, BUT HE WOULDN'T LET THEM."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BRIAN, IT WAS
LOVELY TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. >> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: ALL THOSE STORIES AND MORE ARE IN HIS MEMOIR
"PUTTING THE RABBIT IN THE HAT." IT'S AVAILABLE NOW.
BRIAN COX, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMANTHA BEE.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS THE EMMY AWARD -WINNING
HOST OF "FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE," WHICH RETURNS
THIS WEEK FOR ITS SEVENTH SEASON.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," SAM BEE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
AGAIN. >> IT IS SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
HAPPY NEW YEAR. >> Stephen: HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR. >> HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE.
OH, MY GOSH. >> Stephen: LAST WE SPOKE--
>> YES. >> Stephen: IT WAS OVER THE
ZOOMS. >> IT WAS OVER THE ZOOM, THAT'S
RIGHT. >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A YEAR
SINCE WE SAW EACH OTHER. >> A YEAR?
>> Stephen: IS IT SOMETHING I SAID?
>> IT WAS. IT WAS ONE FULL INSURRECTION
AGO. >> Stephen: OH!
JUST NOW, REAL QUICK, JUST NOW, OF COURSE, I HUGGED YOU JUST
NOW. HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED RECENTLY?
>> I TESTED THREE TIMES TODAY, WHICH IS, LIKE THE NEW --
>> Stephen: WOW! >> YOU MUST HAVE BEEN RUNNING
OUT OF HOLES. >> I'M TELLING YOU.
I HAVE REALLY FLEXED THESE MUSCLES TODAY.
>> Stephen: HOW IS THE FAMILY? >> FAMILY IS GOOD.
EVERYBODY IS KIND OF-- YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY IS FINDING THEIR WAY
IN THE NEW NORMAL. IT WAS NICE THAT-- I KNOW THAT
NO ONE WILL AGREE BECAUSE I ENJOYED THIS DEEP FREEZE BECAUSE
WE WERE ABLE TO SKATE THIS WEEKEND AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
THERE WAS A POND. >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY
CANADIAN OF YOU. >> ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: YOU SKATE ON PONDS?
>> WE CAN SKATE-- IT'S SO FROZEN WHERE WE ARE --
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T KNOW WHEN THAT'S OKAY.
>> AS YOU KNOW, I AM MARRIED TO A FELLOW CANADIAN.
AND HE CAN TELL. HE CAN INTUEIT, HOW DEEP-- HOW
THICK THE ICE IS, JUST BY LOOKING-- HE HAS KIND OF LIKE A
BAT SENSOR, LIKE ECHO. >> HE JUST CHIRPS...
>> IT'S A FOOT AND A HALF. >> Stephen: "FULL FRONTAL"
JUST HIT A MILESTONE, 200 EPISODES.
>> 200. >> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT.
>> THAT'S A LOT. >> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF
EPISODES. >> THAT'S A LOT.
( APPLAUSE ) SHOW DIFFERENTLY NOW THAN WHEN
YOU WANT ON THE AIR IN FEBRUARY OF 2016?
>> IT'S SO DIFFERENT. I MEAN, FIRST-- IT'S VERY
DIFFERENT FROM HOSTING A SHOW IN A POST-TRUMP WORLD, TOO.
I FEEL LIKE THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY ITERATION --
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> A COMPLETE BLANK. WE HAVE LONGER TO EXPLORE
OURSELVES. LIKE, I JUST FINISHED WHAT I WAS
DOING PRIOR TO COMING HERE TODAY WAS SHOOTING THIS WHOLE PIECE IN
A CAT CAFE IN BROOKLYN. SO I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN.
I HAD, LIKE, 40 CATS ON ME TODAY.
>> Stephen: REALLY? ARE YOU A CAT PERSON?
>> I LOVE CATS. I HAVE SO MUCH DANDER ON MY BODY
RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE AN
ALLERGY? >> GOD NO.
I HOPE NO ONE IN THIS ROOM DOES. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A GIANT
ROOM, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A FACE FULL OF DANDER JUST FROM ME
PHYSICALLY BEING HERE. >> Stephen: THE 40 CATS, IS
THAT PART OF THIS? YOU GAVE A LITTLE HINT, A
PREVIEW, A TEASER OF WHAT THE SEASON IS GOING TO BE LIKE ON
THE TWITTER. >> I DID.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID, "NEXT SEASON, WE'RE GOING TO GO
( BLEEP ), NUT-NUT." >> THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: WHICH IS A KENDALL
ROY REFERENCE TO "SUCCESSION." >> IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE BRIAN.
I LIKED THAT. ME FILMING A SHOW ABOUT, LIKE,
MISINFORMATION, VACCINE MISINFORMATION, BUT FRAMING IT
IN A KITTEN CAFE WITH 40 KITTENS CLIMBING OVER MY BODY.
THAT'S ME GOING ( BLEEP ) NUT-NUT, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WILL WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM THIS?
>> WE MIGHT. I'M TRYING TO PUT SOME
INFORMATION INTO IT, BUT TRULY IT'S ME LIVING MY BEST LIFE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. >> YOU KNOW WHAT...
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU AND I OF
COURSE WORKED TOGETHER. >> WE DID.
>> Stephen: MANY YEARS OVER AT THE PLACE CALLED "THE DAILY."
>> YUP. >> Stephen: AND WE DID A LOT
OF ELECTIONS. >> WE DID.
>> Stephen: AND OF COURSE THERE'S, LIKE, PRESIDENTIAL YEAR
ELECTIONS AND THEN THERE'S THE MIDTERMS.
>> YES. >> Stephen: AND WE'RE IN A
MIDTERM YEAR. >> YUP.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU MID-EXCITED?
>> EVEN HEARING THE WORD "MIDTERM" MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE
MY MICROPHONE AND RUN OUT OF THE FEELING.
>> Stephen: I'M SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN IN OKLAHOMA'S SEVENTH DISTRICT.
( BLEEP ) THAT'S SOMETHING YOU COULD SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.
>> I'LL GET THE KITTENS TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: THE THING IS YOU CAN'T SORT OF NECESSARILY IGNORE
IT. >> NO!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHAT I DO, CERTAINLY, AND I THINK TO A
CERTAIN EXTENT YOU DO, YOU'RE SORT OF A SHADOW OF WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THE NATIONAL NEWS CONFERENCE.
BECAUSE THAT'S THE FOOTAGE YOU'RE ROLLING IN.
ALL THEY WILL TALK ABOUT IS THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS.
>> I KNOW BBUT WE WILL TELL THE STORY OF THE LOSS OF
CIVILIZATION WITH A LITTLE PANACHE.
>> Stephen: NEXT TO THE FLAMING PIT, IT SHEDS A LOVELY
LIGHT. >> FEEL THAT WARMTH.
>> Stephen: LIKE MANY COMEDIANS YOU WERE A WAITRESS
BEFORE YOU WERE THE SAM BEE WE KNOW AND LOVE.
>> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS HOW YOUR WAITRESSING EXPERIENCE IN
TORONTO? >> YES.
>> Stephen: ACROSS THE LAKES, I WAS IN CHICAGO AMERICA HEY
TORONTO. >> IT TRULY IS.
>> Stephen: IT KIND OF IS. THEY'RE KIND OF SISTER CITIES.
I'M CURIOUS WHAT YOUR EXPERIENCE WAS LIKE IF IT WAS BETTER THAN
MINE. I DID FIVE YEARS.
>> I THINK I DID-- I THINK I DID AROUND FIVE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
FIVE YEARS AND A DECADE AND A HALF.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU AT THE SAME PLACE.
>> MY FIRST WAITERING JOB WAS AT A 24-HOUR PANCAKE HOUSE THE
GOLDEN GRIDDLE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ALL THE
DRUNK PEOPLE AT 2:00 A.M. ARE CUTTING BIG CHECKS TO THE
WAITRESS. >> I ONLY EVER WORKED THE NIGHT
SHIFT, FROM 10:00 P.M. TO 6 :00 A.M.
IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS MOSTLY THE WORST OF TIMES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR SOCIAL LIKE LIFE?
HOW OLD ARE YOU AT THIS POINT? >> MID-20s.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WORKED FROM 10:00 AT NIGHT UNTIL 6 :00
IN THE MORNING. HOW DO YOU INTERACT WITH THE
OTHER HUMANS WHO ARE LIVING THE OTHER HUMAN SCHEDULE.
>> YOU-- WELL, I THINK WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR 20s YOU'RE JUST
WEAK ALL THE TIME. I THINK THAT'S FINE.
>> Stephen: YOU WAKE UP, WHEN? >> YOU WOULD GO-- YOU WOULD GO
TO SLEEP AT 6:00, YOU GET UP AT, LIKE, 11:00.
>> Stephen: YOU WOULDN'T GO TO SLEEP AT SIX, YOU WERE OFF WORK
AT SIX. >> I WOULD RIDE MY BIKE HOME
FOR, LIKE, 45 MINUTE. I LIVED REALLY FAR AWAY FROM THE
GOLDEN GRIDDLE. >> Stephen: THAT'S AWFUL!
>> AND ALL NIGHT LONG SERVE PEOPLE WHO ARE SO DRUNK AND SO
HIGH, AND COMING OFF A ""STAR TREK"" CONVENTION ORDERING THEIR
FOOD IN KLINGON, AND I'M JUST LIKE...
>> Stephen: DID WHAT THAT? >> SO MANY TIMES.
THIS IS VERY ORIGINAL, I'M GOING TO ASK FOR MY BUCK WHEAT
PANCAKES IN KLINGON. SHE WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING.
I'M LIKE, DUDE, YOU HAVE A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP ON.
I WAS EXPECTING THIS. AND IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY.
THAT'S IT. I JUST GOT A CHILL UP ON MY
SPNE. >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON
200 SHOWS. >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: AND SEVEN SEASONS. >> WHAT A GIFT.
>> Stephen: KEEP IT NUT-NUT. >> KEEP IT NUT-NUT
>> Stephen: "FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE" AIRS THURSDAYS ON
TBS. SAMANTHA BEE, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE CHRISTINE BARANSKI. GOOD NIGHT.