VIRGINIA HAS A NEW GOVENOR
GLENN YOUNGKIN, THE REPUBLICAN
WASTING NO TIME ACTING ON CAMPAIGN PROMISES, SIGNING AN
EXECUTIVE ORDER TO KEEP WHAT HE CALLS C.R.T., CRITICAL RACE
THEORY, OUT OF VIRGINIA SCHOOLS. ATTACKING C.R.T. HAVING A RIPPLE
EFFECT ACROSS THE COUNTRY, INCLUDING THE BANNING OF BOOKS,
FICTION AND NONFICTION, THAT DELVE INTO ISSUES OF RACE AND SO
MUCH MORE. >> LOOKING TO LEARN ABOUT
AMERICAN HISTORY THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL BAD?
TIME LIFE BOOKS PRESENTS THE GLENN YOUNKIN COLLECTION.
EACH WEEK, YOU WILL RECEIVE A NEW YOUNGKIN-APPROVED TEXT WHICH
AVOIDS ADDRESSING RACIAL INEQUALITY, LIKE "A RAISIN IN
THE FUN," "TO THRILL A ROCKING BIRD," "12 BEERS A DAVE, AND "I
KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS KARAOKE."
YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOVE LEARNING THAT RACISM IS OVER,
AND THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
OTHER TITLES INCLUDE "THE COLOR URKEL," "THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
MALCOLM XMEN," "ROOTS, TURNIPS, BEATS, AND OTHER ROOT
VEGETABLES," AND EVEN "THE COMPLETE WORKS OF TONY
MORRISONI." >> HI, I'M TONY MORRISONI, AND
YOU WILL GET ALL MY STUFF -- LIKE "BELOVED," THAT'S ABOUT MY
EX-GIRLFRIEND GINA. POINT IS, TAKE ME BACK, GINA.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR KISSING ANGELA.
>> SO START AVOIDING ADDRESSING RACISM TODAY, WITH THE TIME LIFE
GLENN YOUNGKIN COLLECTION. REMEMBER, THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW
HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO BE GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, WE WELCOME SENATOR
ELIZABETH WARREN AND MUSICAL GUEST INGRID ANDRESS WITH SAM
HUNT, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING ) >> Stephen: MY GOODNESS!
MY GOODNESS! MY GOODNESS, MY FRIEND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
ALL MY FRIENDS, WELCOME TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS. THERE YOU ARE.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, EVERYONE, HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: IT'S A DAY IN
WHICH WE ALL CELEBRATE DR. KING'S LEGACY BY TAKING HIS
WORDS OUT OVERCONTEXT TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE AGREES WITH
WHATEVER WE'RE SAYING. AS KING HIMSELF SAID, YOU'RE
RIGHT, STEPHEN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE U.S. SENATE IS MARKING DR. KING 'S BIRTHDAY BY DOING
WHAT THEY DO BEST -- NOTHING. DEMOCRATS HOPED TO SPEND THE
HOLIDAY PASSING MUCH-NEEDED VOTING RIGHTS LEGISLATION.
TO DO THAT, THEY HAVE TO MODIFY THE FILIBUSTER.
BUT THAT DREAM DIED LAST WEEK, THANKS TO ARIZONA SENATOR AND
MRS. HAMBURGLAR, KYRSTEN SINEMA. LAST WEEK, SINEMA TOOK TO THE
SENATE FLOOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT, WHILE SHE VALUES VOTING, THE
FILIBUSTER IS HER FIRST LOVE: >> WHILE I CONTINUE TO SUPPORT
THESE BILLS, I WILL NOT SUPPORT SEPARATE ACTIONS THAT WORSEN THE
UNDERLYING DISEASE OF DIVISION INFECTING OUR COUNTRY.
WHAT IS THE LEGISLATIVE FILIBUSTER OTHER THAN A TOOL
THAT REQUIRES NEW FEDERAL POLICY TO BE BROADLY SUPPORTED BY
SENATORS REPRESENTING A BROADER CROSS SECTION OF AMERICANS?
>> STEPHEN: NO. NO.
NOT REPRESENTING A BROADER CROSS SECTION OF AMERICANS.
THE 50 SENATORS WHO ARE CURRENTLY FILIBUSTERING THE
VOTING RIGHTS BILL REPRESENT 41 MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN THE
SENATORS WHO SUPPORT IT. STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER
IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER
IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN ANTI-DEMOCRATIC TOOL.
WHICH IS ALSO A PRETTY GOOD DESCRIPTION OF KYRSTEN SINEMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS WHAT
MARTIN LUTHER KING SAID ABOUT VOTING RIGHTS AND THE
FILIBUSTER: >> I THINK THE VAST MAJORITY OF
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD VOTE FAVORABLY FOR SUCH A
BILL. I THINK THE TRAGEDY IS THAT WE
HAVE A CONGRESS WITH A SENATE THAT HAS A MINORITY OF MISGUIDED
SENATORS WHO WOULD USE THE FILIBUSTER TO KEEP THE MAJORITY
OF PEOPLE FROM EVEN VOTING. THEY WON'T LET THE MAJORITY
SENATORS VOTE AND CERTAINLY THEY WOULD NOT WANT THE MAJORITY OF
PEOPLE TO VOTE, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY DO NOT REPRESENT THE
MAJORITY OF AMERICAN PEOPLE. IN FACT, THEY REPRESENT IN THEIR
OWN STATES A VERY SMALL MINORITY.
>> STEPHEN: THE SAD THING IS, DR. KING COULD MAKE THE EXACT
SAME STATEMENT TODAY, AND IT WOULD BE JUST AS RELEVANT, AS
LONG AS HE MENTIONED WORDLE. ( LAUGHTER )
SENATE DEMOCRATS AND THE PRESIDENT MET TO TRY TO GET
SINEMA AND HER OBSTRUCTIN' BUDDY JOE MANCHIN ON BOARD, BUT
AFTERWARDS, BIDEN DIDN'T SOUND TOO OPTIMISTIC
>> Y'ALL ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT COMPLICATED SUBJECTS LIKE, CAN
YOU GET THIS DONE? I HOPE WE CAN GET THIS DONE.
THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER WE CAN GET
THIS DONE. IS THIS MIC ON?
>> Stephen: OH, NO! OH -- OH, NO!
THAT IS THE WEAKEST I'VE SEEN A PRESIDENT LOOK, SINCE JFK'S
INAUGURAL: >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN
DO FOR YOU. ASK, CAN YOUR COUNTRY DO
ANYHING? THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS I
DON'T KNOW. IS THIS THING ON?
HELLO. WHERE AM I?
WHO AM I? MARILYN, HEAT UP THE TUB.
I'M COMING HOME. SNOOT IT'S A BATH.
IT WAS VERY COLD. >> Jon: I WAS COLD.
YOU COULD SEE THE COLD COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ANOTHER PERSON WHO
HAS A STRANGE WAY OF CELEBRATING MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY IS
INCOMING VIRGINIA GOVERNOR GLENN YOUNGKIN, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING
SWORN IN AS THE PENGUIN. ( LAUGHTER )
ON HIS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, YOUNGKIN SIGNED 11 EXECUTIVE
ACTIONS, INCLUDING ONE ENDING CRITICAL RACE THEORY IN
SCHOOLS. WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS NOT
TAUGHT IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS, BUT THAT YOUNGKIN CATEGORIZES AS ANY
SCHOOL LESSONS THAT DEFINE RACISM AS AN INSTITUTIONAL
PROBLEM DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN AMERICAN SOCIETY.
SO, HISTORY. AFTER SIGNING IT, YOUNGKIN
RETURNED TO THE EXECUTIVE MANSION IN RICHMOND THAT WAS
BUILT IN 1813 BY ( HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
THE NEXT DAY, YOUNGKIN HEADED OVER TO FOX NEWS SUNDAY AND USED
MARTIN LUTHER KING TO DEFEND HIS ANTI-KNOWLEDGE AGENDA:
>> AND THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING RING IN OUR
EARS THAT WE MUST JUDGE ONE ANOTHER BY THE CONTENT OF OUR
CHARACTER AND NOT THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN.
THIS IS WHAT WILL BE THE FOUNDING PRINCIPLE OF OUR
EXECUTIVE ORDER, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS.
>> STEPHEN: YOU THINK MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MESSAGE TO AMERICA
IS, "DON'T TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT RACISM?"
LET'S SEE IF HE AGREES. KING SAID, WHITES, IT MUST
FRANKLY BE SAID, ARE NOT PUTTING IN A SIMILAR MASS EFFORT TO
RE-EDUCATE THEMSELVES OUT OF THEIR RACIAL IGNORANCE.
IT IS AN ASPECT OF THEIR SENSE OF SUPERIORITY THAT THE WHITE
PEOPLE OF AMERICA BELIEVE THEY HAVE SO LITTLE TO LEARN.
>> STEPHEN: WOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LI LIKE --
THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE CRITICAL RACE THEORY.
GLENN YOUNGKIN SHOULD STOP THEM FROM TEACHING ABOUT THAT GUY IN
VIRGINIA SCHOOLS. BUT IT'S NOT JUST YOUR VOTES
REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT TO COUNT. IT'S ALSO YOU.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT CENSUS OFFICIALS WROTE A MEMO IN 2020,
COMPLAINING OF UNPRECEDENTED MEDDLING BY THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION IN THE 2020 CENSUS.
IT MAKES SENSE. THE LAST GUY DOESN'T LIKE
COUNTING ANYTHING: COVID INFECTIONS, POUNDS ON A SCALE,
ERIC AS HIS SON. ( LAUGHTER )
THE MEMO DATES FROM THE FALL OF 2020, WHEN THE ADMINISTRATION
WAS PRESSING THE CENSUS BUREAU TO END THE COUNT WEEKS EARLY.
IF YOU END THE COUNT EARLY, YOU'RE NOT DOING A CENSUS.
THANK GOD THESE PEOPLE WERE NEVER IN CHARGE OF A FIELD TRIP:
(AS TEACHER) OK, IS EVERYONE BACK ON THE BUS?
ONE, TWO, BORED OF COUNTING. FLOOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FINE! SHUSH!
I'M DRINKING! QUIET!
BUT IT WASN'T JUST MOVING UP THE DEADLINE.
THE ADMINISTRATION WAS ADAMANT THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
THE BUREAU SEPARATELY TALLY THE NUMBER OF UNDOCUMENTED
IMMIGRANTS IN EACH STATE, AND HAD A FAR-REACHING PLAN TO SCOUR
BILLIONS OF GOVERNMENT RECORDS FOR HINTS OF FOREIGNERS LIVING
HERE, ILLEGALLY OR NOT. OOOH-- SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY WAS
IN THE MARKET FOR A FOURTH WIF ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO ADD THOSE IMMIGRANTS TO THE CENSUS,
THEY WANTED TO EXCLUDE THEM, LEAVING AN OLDER AND WHITER
POPULATION BASE IN STATES WITH LARGE IMMIGRANT POPULATIONS,
SOMETHING THAT WAS PRESUMED TO WORK TO REPUBLICAN ADVANTAGE.
EXCLUDE THE IMMIGRANTS AND INCLUDE AS MANY OLDER, WHITE
AMERICANS AS POSSIBLE. A PROCESS WHICH WEDDING BANDS
REFER TO AS "PLAYING A BILLY JOEL SONG."
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ SLOW DOWN YOU CRAZY CHILD ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO AMBITIOUS FOR A -- ♪ I LOVE BILLY JOEL.
THE CENSUS BUREAU PUSHED BACK HARD, TO THE POINT WHERE ONE
EXPERT SAID THEIR EFFORTS TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF CENSUS
OPERATIONS WERE NOTHING SHORT OF HEROIC.
YES, AMERICA WAS SAVED BY THE LATEST SUPERHERO ADDITION TO THE
M.C.U. -- CENSUSMAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WAS A NORMAL FATHER OF THREE
RADIOACTIVE ACCOUNTANT. SPEAKING OF BUREAUCRATS, THE
C.D.C. UPDATED THEIR COVID GUIDANCE TO SUGGEST THAT
SCHOOLS CANCEL FOOTBALL AND BAND.
BUT WITHOUT FOOTBALL AND BAND, HOW WILL OUR KIDS LEARN THE
LESSONS YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A FOOTBALL PLAYER STUFFING YOU
INTO A CELLO CASE? ( LAUGHTER )
SO FAR, SCHOOLS HAVE RESISTED THE GUIDELINES, SAYING THEY ARE
UNREALISTIC. ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER C.D. C.
ADVISOR: YOU'VE GOT NERDS, LITERALLY SCIENCE NERDS, WHO ARE
WRITING THESE THINGS. ALSO EXPLAINS THIS GUIDANCE FROM
THE WEBSITE: AVOID HIGH-RISK ACTIVITIES SUCH
AS EYE CONTACT WITH THE PRETTY GIRLS, QUESTIONS ABOUT 'THE GAME
LAST NIGHT,' AND ANY CLASSROOM SITUATION IN WHICH YOUR BONER
MAY BE VISIBLE THROUGH YOUR DOCKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A BRAND FLAME. CAPITAL D ON THAT DOCKERS.
TM. TM.
YOU CAN'T BLAME THE C.D.C. FOR BEING CAREFUL, THOUGH.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT LONGTERM COVID EFFECTS AND THEY
ARE NOT GOOD. FOR INSTANCE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
DETERMINED THAT 'COVID DICK' IS REAL.
YES, BUT HE PREFERS TO BE CALLED RON DESANTIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
>> Jon: OH! >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
I REBOOTED YA WITH THAT JOKE! A STUDY FROM NOVEMBER FOUND THAT
MEN WHO CAUGHT COVID WERE ABOUT THREE TIMES AS LIKELY TO DEVELOP
A NEW CASE OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION AS THOSE WHO DIDN'T.
OK, QUESTION: CAN I GET A FEW MORE BOOSTERS JUST TO BE SAFE?
( LAUGHTER ) DO THEY HAVE A PFIZER I.V.?
SHOULD MY PENIS BE WEARING A MASK?
WITH BEST PRACTICES IS ALL I WANT TO KNOW.
LUCKILY, THE CONDITION DOESN'T APPEAR TO AFFECT A HUGE
PROPORTION OF MEN. OK, NOT GREAT FOR PEOPLE TRYING
COMFORT A STRUGGLING PARTNER-- (AS PARTNER)
DON'T WORRY DARLING, THIS HAPPENS TO EVERY, WELL ACTUALLY
IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST NO ONE. THIS IS REALLY JUST YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, MALE SEXUAL ISSUES
CAUSED BY COVID CAN BE TREATED. ACCORDING TO ONE UROLOGIST, ALL
IT TAKES IS PENILE REHAB. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TO GET THE PENIS TO REALIZE IT HAS A PROBLEM, YOU MIGHT NEED
A PENILE INTERVENTION. DEAR PENIS, IT MAKES ME SAD TO
SEE YOU LAYING AROUND DOING NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WANT YOU TO GET HELP SO THAT ONE DAY, TOGETHER, WE CAN GET
BACK TO HEARING THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND: BOI-OI-OI- ING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS SENATOR ELIZABETH
WARREN! BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TELL
YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT MODERN ROMANCE.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
HELLO, MY FRIENDS. HELLO, JON.
( JON SINGING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HOW YOU DOING, JON?
>> Jon: I'M GOOD. I'M OPTIMISTIC.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE OPTIMISTIC? >> Jon: I'M OPTIMISTIC.
>> Stephen: I REALLY LIKE THAT.
GIVE ME A HIT OF THAT OPTIMISM. >> Jon: YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
OPTIMISTIC BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF
DEATH, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, BABY.
>> Stephen: FOR THY ROD AND STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME.
THERE YOU GO. WE HAVE AN OPTIMIST ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT. SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN IS HERE
TONIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OPTIMISTS, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT HERE.
SO, HERE'S THE DEAL IS THAT SHE IS -- HOW MANY TIMES?
THIS IS THE NINTH TIME SHE'S BEEN ON THE SHOW.
THOSE ARE SOME JOHN OLIVER, NEIL TYSON NUMBERS.
SHE'S PUTTING POINTS ON THE BOARD.
I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING TO HER.
HE SAID TO ME, HEY, MENTION THE PODCAST.
AND HE ALSO SAID ON THE ELEVATOR, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
THE OTHER THING, BUT HE SAID AS LONG AS YOU MENTION THE PODCAST.
WE HAVE THE ENTIRE AUDIO OF THIS SHOW, SO IT'S EVERYTHING YOU
LOVE ABOUT THE SHOW AND A LITTLE LESS.
BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT SHOW UP IN THE PODCAST THAT AREN'T IN
THE SHOW. ONE OF THE THINGS I SAID ABOUT
ME NOT BEING GOOD FOR THE NEXT VARIANT IS PROBABLY NOT IN THE
SHOW, BUT PROBABLY IN THE PODCAST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SO LET'S DO THAT.
LET'S TAKE THAT OUT SO PEOPLE GO WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT THE
VARIANTS? HE'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE PODCAST
TO FIND OUT WHAT I SAID. ( PIANO RIFF )
I'M TCB-ING IT RIGHT THERE! FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ONE THING
ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE LOVING LOVE.
IN FACT, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE."
I JUST MADE THAT UP. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THESE DAYS, ROMANCE IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING, WITH NEW
TERMS FOR HARD-TO-UNDERSTAND MODERN RELATIONSHIPS EMERGING AT
A BLISTERING PACE. AND I LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT
THEM IN MY RECURRING SEGMENT: "ROMANSPLAINING"
( SEXY SAX MUSIC ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: FIRST UP IN THE LOVE FEST, EXPERTS TELL US THAT THE
HOT NEW RELATIONSHIP TERM IS OUTERCOURSE.
WHICH I FIRST ASSUMED WAS WHEN A BASEBALL GAME GETS SO BORING THE
OUTFIELDERS START DRY HUMPING THEIR GLOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT OUTERCOURSE IS, APPARENTLY,
A CATCH-ALL TERM FOR FORMS OF NONPENETRATIVE SEX.
AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BLOW UP THIS YEAR.
AS ONE EXPERT PUT IT YOU'VE HEARD OF INTERCOURSE, NOW
IT'S TIME TO ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH ITS NOT-SO- DISTANT COUSIN.
CUZ NOTHING SAYS, 'SEXY' LIKE ACQUAINTING YOURSELF WITH A
NOT-SO-DISTANT COUSIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEXT UP -- WEDDINGS ARE
DANGEROUS. NEXT UP, IN THE TUNNEL OF LOVE
IS THE EXCITING NEW TERM "WANDERLOVE," ESSENTIALLY CODE
FOR A HOLIDAY ROMANCE SUCH AS A TRYST ON THE BEACH BLOSSOMING
INTO A RELATIONSHIP. AS OPPOSED TO WHAT A TRYST ON
THE BEACH USUALLY BLOSSOMS INTO: HERPES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, SAND IN THE CRANNIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER HOT TREND IN DATING IS
NOT DATING AT ALL. APPARENTLY, MANY PEOPLE ARE
TRYING OUT BEING SOMETHING THEY NOW CALL, 'CONSCIOUSLY SINGLE.'
BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN "INVOLUNTARILY UNDATEABLE."
( LAUGHTER ) BEING CONSCIOUSLY SINGLE, MEANS
EMBRACING THE PERKS OF NOT HAVING A SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
THE BIGGEST PERK: PRESSING PLAY NEXT EPISODE AND NOT HAVING IT
PLAY EPISODE EIGHT FOR SOME REASON.
I THOUGHT WE WERE WATCHING YELLOW JACKETS TOGETHER, HONEY
( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY, THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN LETTING GO OF YOUR TYPE FOR 2022.
CALLED UNTYPING. A MOVE PERHAPS INSPIRED BY KIM
KARDASHIAN AND PETE DAVIDSON. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKES SENSE.
BECAUSE, AT THIS RATE, BY THE END OF 2022, EVERY ONE OF US
WILL HAVE DATED PETE DAVIDSON. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THERE ARE MANY OTHER KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS OUT THERE
THAT HAVE NO NAME. YET.
TONIGHT, I ROMANSPLAIN THEM TO YOU.
FIRST UP, IF YOU'RE NOT READY FOR OUTERCOURSE, TRY
'INTRA'-COURSE, WHICH IS WHEN YOU --
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST REMEMBERED WHERE THIS
JOKE IS GOING. ( LAUGHTER )
'INTRA'-COURSE, WHICH IS WHEN YOU GET IT ON WITH YOUR ENTIRE
INTRAMURAL SOFTBALL LEAGUE. ( LAUGHTER )
IN THIS GAME, ALL THE BALLS ARE FOUL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF WANDER-LOVE ISN'T REALLY
FOR YOU, TRY WANDA-LOVE, WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE A NICE
CANDLE-LIT DINNER WITH WANDA SYKES.
( LAUGHTER ) DOESN'T HAVE TO GET PHYSICAL.
SHE'S JUST A DELIGHTFUL CONVERSATIONALIST.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN BEING CONSCIOUSLY SINGLE, WHY
NOT TRY BEING UNCONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLED?
WHICH IS WHEN YOUR PARTNER DIVORCES YOU WHILE YOU'RE IN A
COMA. ( LAUGHTER )
ABANDONMENT NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA? NO PROBLEM, TRY A FLEASOME,
WHICH IS WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WANT TO SPICE THINGS UP
IN BED, SO YOU INVITE THE BASSIST FROM THE
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS. IF YOU LIKE THE WAY HE SLAPS
THAT BASS, WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE HOW HE TAPS THAT ASS.
THAT'S IT FOR ROMANCE PLANNING WITH STEPHEN COLBERT THAT'S ME.
JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I GIVE YOU 10 TIPS THAT WILL DRIVE HIM CRAZY
IN BED. NUMBER ONE, SPRINKLE HIS PILLOW IN MERCURY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WIITH SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A TWO -TERM
US SENATOR FROM THE GREAT STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS AND A FORMER
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IT'S ALWAYS A SHOT IN THE ARM TO
HAVE YOU HERE. >> YOU BET.
I'LL SHOOT YOUR ARM ANYTIME. I'M READY.
>> Stephen: YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND BRUCE I JUST LEARNED GOT
COVID IN DECEMBER. >> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL AND HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> I WAS KIND OF FLUSH FOR ABOUT A DAY AND A HALF AND THAT'S IT.
I'M DONE. >> Stephen: YOU BOOSTED AND
EVERYTHING? >> YEAH, BECAUSE THAT'S THE
DEAL, THAT VACCINE PLUS THE BOOSTER MEANS THAT, WHEN YOU GET
SICK, YOU JUST GET A LITTLE BIT SICK, FOR MOST PEOPLE.
SO EVERYBODY, GET VACCINATED, GET YOUR BOOSTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, EVERYBODY
HERE -- EVERYBODY HERE IS VACCINATED.
THESE ARE "IT" GETTERS RIGHT HERE.
>> GOOD, GOOD. >> Stephen: HOW LONG WERE YOU
HOME? HOW LONG WERE YOU ISOLATED?
>> OH, WELL YOU HAVE TO ISOLATE, BACK THEN, FOR TEN DAYS BEFORE
THEY CHANGED IT TO FIVE. >> Stephen: BAILEY MUST HAVE
BEEN HAPPY TO HAVE YOU GUYS AROUND ALL THE TIME.
>> YOU KNOW, BAILEY WANTS US THERE 24-7 AT HIS BECK AND CALL,
AND THE PARTS HE DIDN'T LIKE WAS THAT WE COULDN'T TAKE HIM
EVERYWHERE WHERE HE LIKES TO GO, BUT WE COULD TAKE HIM OUTSIDE
FOR GOOD WALKS. BAILEY IS -- YOU KNOW, HE'S A
DOG WHO HAS CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS.
>> Stephen: HAS HE STOLEN ANY BURRITOS, RECENTLY?
HE'S A BURRITO THIEF, HE LEARNED THIS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
>> HE IS, AND WE TRY TO KEEP OUR HOUSE A BURRITO-FREE ZONE
BECAUSE OF BAILEY. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, YOU DON'T
WANT TO TEMPT HIM. >> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: OKAY. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE VOTING
RIGHTS ACT THAT'S GOING TO COME UP BEFORE THE SENATE TOMORROW?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: TOMORROW.
OKAY. IN 1957, MARTIN LUTHER KING
CALLED VOTER RESTRICTIONS "A TRAGIC BETRAYAL OF THE HIGHEST
MAN DATES OF OUR -- MANDATES OF OUR DEMOCRATIC TRADITION" AND
THEN TOMORROW YOU VOTE ON THE FREEDOM TO VOTE, THE JOHN R.
LEWIS ACT. HOW DID WE GET BACK HERE TO WHEN
WE NEED IT? >> WHEN DR. KING SPOKE, IT WAS
TRULY THE CASE BECAUSE OF RESTRICTIVE STATE LAWS THAT,
PRINCIPALLY, AFRICAN -AMERICANS WERE DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO
VOTE. SOME OTHER GROUPS WERE KEPT OUT,
BUT THAT WAS THE PRINCIPAL AIM. MID 1960 PASSED THE SOARGTS ACT,
AND IT OPENED UP OPPORTUNITIES FOR MORE AMERICAN CITIZENS TO
VOTE, AND VOTING INCREASED OVER TIME AND, FRANKLY, THAT'S WHERE
WE WOULD HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING. BUT THEN AN EXTREMIST UNITED
STATES SUPREME COURT A FEW YEARS AGO GUTTED THE VOTING RIGHTS
ACT, BUT THAT ALL BY ITSELF JUST OPENED THE DOOR TO RESTRICTING
VOTING. DONALD TRUMP, WHEN HE LOST THE
ELECTION, HE TOOK MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DOWN THE DARK HOLE OF THE
BIG LIE, AND NOW WE'VE GOT REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATURES
ALL AROUND THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER TO
KEEP PEOPLE OF COLOR FROM VOTING, TO KEEP
AFRICAN-AMERICANS FROM VOTING, LATINOS AND PEOPLE WHO LIVE ON
TRIBAL LANDS AND KEDGE STUDENTS FROM VOTING.
ANYONE THEY CAN IDENTIFY WHO IS LIKELY TO VOTE DEMOCRATIC,
THEY'RE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO PUT RESTRICTIONS IN PLACE
SO THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO VOTE. >> Stephen: BEFORE THE GUTTING
OF THE VOTING RIGHTS ACT BY THE ROBERTS COURT, THAT WOULD HAVE
HAD TO GO BEFORE THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FOR THE NINE
STATEMENTS THAT HISTORICALLY PASSED MOST OF THESE NOW THEY
CAN JUST DO IT WITHOUT REVIEW. >> NOW THEY CAN JUST DO IT
WITHOUT REVIEW, THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
AND, BOY, HAVE THEY GOTTEN IT ON.
THEY ARE OUT THERE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO KEEP
PEOPLE FROM VOTING, TO KEEP THOSE VOTES FROM BEING COUNTED
ANDO TO GERRYMANDER WITH SUCH SURGICAL PRECISION THAT AN EVER
SHRINKING MINORITY OF REPUBLICANS WILL ACTUALLY
CONTROL NOT ONLY THE STATE LEGISLATURE BUT ALL SEATS IN
CONGRESS AND ULTIMATELY DISTORT ELECTION OF PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: NOW THIS PAST
YEAR, THERE WERE 19 STATES THAT PASSED 34 LAWS, BUT IT WAS
ALREADY A PROBLEM BEFORE THIS LATEST CRISIS IN THE PAST YEAR
WHERE, AS YOU SAID, BEING LED DOWN A DARK ROAD BASED ON THIS
BIG LIE. A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO WHEN I
HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO INTERVIEW THEN PRESIDENT -ELECT BIDEN, ONE
OF THE THINGS I ASKED HIM WAS, IN YOUR LEGISLATIVE AGENDA,
VOTING RIGHTS HAS TO BE FIRST, RIGHT, BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE
YOU WANT TO DO IS FOR NAUGHT UNLESS YOU GET THE VOTING RIGHTS
FIRST BECAUSE IT WILL JUST BE REVERSED BY THE NEXT PERSON WHO
COMES IN BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ACTUAL REPRESENTATION OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE IF THE VOTING RIGHTS RESTRICTIONS GO THROUGH.
WHY IS IT WHERE IT IS? >> BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
VOTES. LOOK, I WISH IT WERE OTHERWISE.
HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS, WE FINALLY HAVE 50 -- COUNT THEM ALL 50 --
DEMOCRATS IN THE SAME PLACE ON WHAT THE VOTING RIGHTS
PROTECTION SHOULD LOOK LIKE. UNDERSTAND THIS, THAT PART BY
ITSELF WAS NOT EASY AND PART OF THE REASON IT'S NOT EASY IS
EVERY TIME WE WOULD THINK NOW WE HAVE THE THINGS YOU HAVE TO
OUTLAW, THE REPUBLICANS IN SOME STATE WOULD FIGURE OUT SOMETHING
ELSE YOU COULD DO. LIKE IF PEOPLE WERE WAITING TWO
HOURS IN THE HOT SUN IN GEORGIA LET'S MAKE THAT ILLEGAL TO GIVE
THEM A DRINK OF WATER. SO WE HAD TO FINALLY KEEP
CHANGING THE FEDERAL LAWS AND GOT THE BILL IN PLACE.
WHEN THE VOTING RIGHTS ACT PASSED ORIGINALLY, IT WAS
FILIBUSTERED AND HARD FOUGHT. WHEN IT WAS RE-UPPED IN THE
1990s, 98 PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES SENATE VOTED IN FAVOR OF
IT. NOW WE HAVE NOT ONE SINGLE
REPUBLICAN, NOT ONE WHO WILL VOTE TO PROTECT THE VOTE IN
AMERICA. SO WE'VE GOT 50 DEMOCRATS WHO
SAY THEN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PICK THIS UP AND DO IT BY
OURSELVES. THAT'S THE SKINNIEST MAJORITY
YOU CAN V BUT WE CAN DO THAT. VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS CAN BREAK
THE TIE, WE CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN, BUT WE HAVE STUMBLED ON
THE FILIBUSTER, THIS RULE THAT HAS ITS ROOTS IN RACISM AS A WAY
TO TRY TO BLOCK -- IT HAS HISTORICALLY BEEN USED TO TRY TO
BLOCK CIVIL RIGHTS LEGISLATION. RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE 50
REPUBLICANS ALL STANDING FIRM WITH THAT FILIBUSTER BECAUSE IT
GIVES MITCH McCONNELL A VETO, BUT WE'VE ALSO GOT TWO DEMOCRATS
WHO ARE WITH THEM, AND THAT MEANS WE CAN'T CHANGE THE RULES.
>> Stephen: BUT CERTAINLY THE EXISTENCE OF THE FILIBUSTER IS
NO SURPRISE. >> NO.
>> Stephen: AND THE, YOU KNOW, STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER BY
THE REPUBLICANS IS NOT NECESSARILY A SURPRISE.
IF YOU KNOW THAT THE VOTE WON'T PASS TOMORROW, WHAT IS THE
PURPOSE, WHAT IS THE BENEFIT OF ACTUALLY HOLDING THE VOTE?
>> SO I WANT TO BACK UP JUST A LITTLE BIT.
THE FACT THAT 50 REPUBLICANS WILL STAND SHOULDER TO SHOULDER,
LOOK YOU RIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST FINE
WITH ME TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM GOING TO THE POLLS IF THEY MIGHT
VOTE DEMOCRATIC, IT'S JUST FINE WITH ME TO SAY THAT IF A
REPUBLICAN LEGISLATURE DOESN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT PEOPLE IN
THEIR STATE VOTED MAJORITY DEMOCRATIC THAT, NONETHELESS,
THEY PLAN TO KEEP CONTROL THEMSELVES AND NOT COUNT THOSE
VOTES. IT'S JUST FINE WITH THEM TO
GERRYMANDER SO THAT A SMALLER AND MORE EXTREMIST MAJORITY CAN
CONTINUE TO CONTROL -- MINORITY CAN CONTINUE TO CONTROL OVER THE
MAJORITY IN THIS COUNTRY. IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT WE
SHOULD JUST SAY, HEY, THAT'S OKAY.
ONE OF THE TWO MAJOR POLITICAL PARTIES IN AMERICA HAS NOW SAID
THAT IT IS THEIR POLICY TO WIN BY KEEPING AMERICAN CITIZENS
FROM VOTING, AND WE OUGHT TO PUT THEM ON THE RECORD, MAKE THEM
VOTE ON THAT, MAKE A RECORD OF THAT AND HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE
IN THE NEXT ELECTION. ENOUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, THE SENATOR
AND I WILL TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE OR FAILURE OF THE FILIBUSTER.
HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH
SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN. OKAY, SO THERE ARE, AGAIN, THESE
19 STATES AND THESE 34 BILLS THAT HAVE BEEN PASSED.
THINGS ARE BAD, THINGS ARE VERY BAD IN 1965.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: THAT VOTE HAPPENED
IN THE WAKE OF BLOODSY SUNDAY. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ARE THINGS GOING TO HAVE TO GET MUCH WORSE BEFORE
THEY GET ANY BETTER? WHAT IS GOING TO BREAK, IN YOUR
OPINION, THIS MORAL FAILING, THIS DEADLOCK?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- WE MAY NOT BE ABLE
TO CARRY THIS VOTE TOMORROW OR ON WEDNESDAY, BUT IF WE DON'T
CARRY IT ON WEDNESDAY, THEN WE GET BACK UP ON THURSDAY AND GET
RIGHT BACK IN THE FIGHT. AND IF WE DON'T CARRY IT IN
THURSDAY, THEN WE GET BACK IN THE FIGHT ON FRIDAY, AND WE GET
BACK ON THE FIGHT ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE IS NOTHING WE DO AS A
DEMOCRACY THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN GUARANTEEING THAT ALL
AMERICAN CITIZENS HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE AND THE RIGHT TO HAVE
THAT VOTE COUNTED. ( APPLAUSE )
SO HERE'S THE PLAN -- WE'RE GOING TO VOTE, HOLD THEM TO VOTE
AND STAY AFTER THEM. I MEAN, WE'RE GOING TO STAY ON
THEM LIKE A DOG ON A BONE, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STAY ON THIS, STAY
ON THIS, STAY ON THIS. >> Stephen: LIKE BAILEY ON A
BURRITO. >> THERE YOU GO.
BAILEY ON A BURRITO. >> Stephen: ARE YOU IN FAVOR
OF GETTING RID OF, MODIFYING, GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER OR
TURNING THE FILIBUSTER INTO A TRUE TALKING FILIBUSTER.
ALL TOGETHER. I BELIEVE IN MAJORITY RULE,
HELLO! >> THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE ABOUT. THE FOUNDER LOOKED AT THE SYSTEM
AND CONSIDERED A SUPER MAJORITY IN THE SENATE AND SAID, NO,
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT. SIMPLE MAJORITY IN THE SENATE.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO A LOT.
UNDERSTAND THIS, YES, IT'S ABOUT PROTECTING THE VOTE, BUT IT'S
ALSO ABOUT REFORMING OUR IMMIGRATION SYSTEM, IT'S ALSO
ABOUT GUN SAFETY, IT'S ALSO ABOUT PROTECTING OUR
ENVIRONMENT. IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO USE THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO HELP MAKE US BUILD A BETTER COUNTRY, AND
YOU'RE NOT JUST THERE TO TRY TO CUT TAXES AND APPOINT EXTREMIST
JUDGES, THEN YOU NEED TO GET RID OF THE FILIBUSTER AND GO BY
MAJORITY RULE. I WANT TO GET RID OF THE
FILIBUSTER. PART ONE.
>> Stephen: WE'LL TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE'LL BE BACK WITH
MORE SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN, EVERYBODY
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH
SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN. IF YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE
FILIBUSTER, WHAT ABOUT -- AND JUST HEAR ME OUT AND TRY TO HEAR
THIS OBJECTIVELY. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF WE JUST GET RED TO HAVE THE SENATE?
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M 100% SERIOUS HERE.
IT IS THE MOST ANTI -DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTION NEXT TO THE
JUDICIARY BECAUSE THE JUDICIARY IS ONLY THE WAY IT IS BECAUSE
THE SENATE IS THE WAY IT IS. NO ONE WOULD DROP A
SINGLETARY -- YOU'VE ALREADY GOT TENURE, YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR
OTHER JOB. YOU WILL BE FINE, SPEND MORE
TIME WITH BAILEY AND BRUCE. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT
POSSIBLE PURPOSE THE UNITED STATES SENATE PROVIDES RIGHT
NOW. >> WOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I HEAR YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT WE PROVIDE, IN
THEORY, IS THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE DELIBERATIVE BODY.
THAT WAS WHAT WE ENVISIONED. BUT AS LONG AS WE ARE TANGLED IN
THE FILIBUSTER, THEN WE DON'T GET TO DO WHAT THE FOUNDERS
ENVISIONED THAT WE WOULD, AND THAT IS DEBATE THE BIG ISSUES OF
THE DAY AND THEN VOTE ON THEM. WHEN THE DEBATE IS OVER AND THEN
VOTE ON THEM. INSTEAD, WHERE WE ARE NOW, IS
SOMEBODY JUST SENDS IN, I'M FILIBUSTERING THAT, AND WHAT
HAPPENS IS THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST IN OUR COUNTRY, THE
THINGS THAT AFFECT PEOPLE RIGHT WHERE THEY LIVE, THINGS THAT ARE
POPULAR WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE -- YOU KNOW, WE COULD BE DOING
UNIVERSAL CHILDCARE RIGHT NOW, BUT WE GET TANGLED UP IN THE
FILIBUSTER. WE COULD BE DOING -- WE COULD BE
DOING NEGOTIATION OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AND LOWERING
THE PRICE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. WE COULD BE DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
WE COULD BE CHANGING THE RULES AROUND THIS COUNTRY.
I SAID EARLIER ABOUT GUN SAFETY AND SAVING LIVES RIGHT NOW.
BUT ON ALL OF THAT, WE NOT ONLY DON'T GET TO DO IT AT THE END,
WE DON'T EVEN EVER GET TO HAVE A DEBATE AROUND IT.
THE FILIBUSTER KEEPS US FROM DOING THINGS THAT ARE SUPPORTED
BY 70%, 80%, 90% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND THAT IS
FUNDAMENTALLY ANTI -DEMOCRATIC. SO, A SENATE WITH A FILIBUSTER,
IT'S A SERIOUS QUESTION, WHY ARE WE THERE?
>> Stephen: IF THE REPUBLICANS TAKE CONTROL OF THE SENATE IN
THIS NEXT ROUND OR ANY FUTURE ROUND
( SENATOR GASPS ) >> I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL.
>> I PUT MY MONEY ON THE DEMOCRACY.
( APPLAUSE ) IF THEY HAVE A MAJORITY, SO BE
IT. >> Stephen: IT'S AN
ANTI-DEMOCRATIC CONSTITUTION. 41 MILLION AMERICANS ARE
REPRESENTED MORE BY YOUR SIDE THAN THE REPUBLICANS AND, YET,
THEY COULD GET ONE MORE VOTE. >> BUT WITHOUT THE FILIBUSTER,
THINK ABOUT IT THAT WAY, WITHOUT THE FILIBUSTER, THEY CAN'T
MAINTAIN THAT. IF WE PROTECT VOTING AND GET RID
OF THE FILIBUSTER, THEN IT REALLY IS A QUESTION OF WHAT THE
AMERICAN WANT. SO HERE'S THE THING, 70% OF
AMERICANS BELIEVE IN THE RULE OF ROE v. WADE.
THEY WANT TO PROTECT ROE v. WADE.
LET'S PUT IT TO A VOTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REPUBLICANS WANT TO VOTE NO ON THAT.
FINE. I'M READY FOR THE NEXT ELECTION.
AND THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE. ED IF YOU BELIEVE IN DEMOCRACY
AND GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER WHEN YOU'RE IN THE
MAJORITY AND THE MINORITY. I'M NOT THERE TO SAY BY THE
FILIBUSTER I WANT TO PROTECT MYSELF, I'M THERE TO SAY THIS IS
HOW DEMOCRACY IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.
PROTECT THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO VOTE AND I'LL TAKE MY
CHANCES, EVERY SIX YEARS, TWO YEARS IN THE HOUSE, EVERY FOUR
YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE. THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY IS SUPPOSED
TO WORK. PUT THESE BIG ISSUES UP.
LET'S VOTE ON THEM! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SENATOR, GOOD LUCK!
SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY INGRID ANDRESS
WITH SAM HUNT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING "WISHFUL DRINKING," INGRID
ANDRESS WITH SAM HUNT. ♪ MAYBE I'M JUST
WISHFUL DRINKING ♪ GIVE MY HEART
SOMETHING TO SINK IN ♪ BETTER MAKE IT TWO,
NOTHING I WON'T DO ♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND
OF ME AND YOU ♪ I KNOW IT'S A SHOT
IN THE DARK ♪ LOOKING FOR WHAT'S LEFT
OF A SPARK ♪ THROWING 'EM BACK
LIKE I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪ IT'S A SLOW BURN
JUST LIKE YOU ♪ EVERYBODY SAYS,
"GIVE IT TIME" ♪ BUT I'M FEELING LIKE I'M STUCK
ON REWIND ♪ THROWING 'EM BACK
LIKE I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪ IT'S A SLOW BURN
JUST LIKE YOU ♪ WHEN I'M A COUPLE IN,
I GET OPTIMISTIC ♪ LIKE YOU AND ME ARE REALISTIC
MAYBE I'M JUST WISHFUL DRINKING ♪ GIVE MY HEART
SOMETHING TO SINK IN ♪ BETTER MAKE IT TWO,
NOTHING I WON'T DO ♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND
OF ME AND YOU ♪ I GET HOPEFUL WHEN I'M TIPSY
THINKING YOU MIGHT ♪ ACTUALLY MISS ME
IT'S A HUNDRED PROOF, ♪ NOTHING I WON'T DO
FOR ANOTHER ROUND ♪ OF ME AND YOU
I'M WISHFUL DRINKING ♪ OOOH-OOH,
OOOH-OOH, ♪ OOOH-OOH,
♪ WITH EVERY SIP I'M GETTING CLOSER
♪ TO THINKING THAT WE AIN'T REALLY OVER
♪ I KNOW IT AIN'T RIGHT BUT, BABY, JUST FOR TONIGHT
♪ I DON'T WANNA HAVE NO CLOSURE WHEN I'M A COUPLE IN,
♪ I GET OPTIMISTIC LIKE YOU AND ME ARE REALISTIC
♪ MAYBE I'M JUST WISHFUL DRINKING
♪ GIVE MY HEART SOMETHING TO SINK IN
♪ BETTER MAKE IT TWO, NOTHING I WON'T DO
♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF ME AND YOU
♪ I GET HOPEFUL WHEN I'M TIPSY
♪ THINKING YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MISS ME
♪ IT'S A HUNDRED PROOF, NOTHING I WON'T DO
♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF ME AND YOU
♪ I'M WISHFUL DRINKING OOH, OOH, OOH
♪ YEAH, I'M WISHFUL DRINKING OOOH-OOH,
♪ OOOH-OOH, OOOH-OOH,
I'M TRACING YOUR FOOTPRINTS ♪ THROUGH MY MEMORIES
TRYING TO FIND ♪ WHERE WE WENT WRONG
REPLACING THE SPACE ♪ YOU LEFT WITH NEW THINGS
NOTHING I TRY LASTS LONG ♪ MAYBE I'M JUST
WISHFUL DRINKING ♪ GIVE MY HEART
SOMETHING TO SINK IN ♪ BETTER MAKE IT TWO,
NOTHING I WON'T DO ♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND
OF ME AND YOU ♪ I GET HOPEFUL
WHEN I'M TIPSY ♪ THINKING YOU MIGHT
ACTUALLY MISS ME ♪ IT'S A HUNDRED PROOF,
NOTHING I WON'T DO ♪ FOR ANOTHER ROUND
OF ME AND YOU (YOU)
♪ I'M WISHFUL DRINKING OOOH-OOH,
♪ OOOH-OOH, OOOH-OOH,
(YEAH, I'M WISHFUL DRINKING) ♪ I'M WISHFUL DRINKING
♪ I'M WISHFUL DRINKING
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: INGRID ANDRESS WITH SAM HUNT, EVERYBODY
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE, BRIAN COX AND SAMANTHA BEE.
GOODNIGHT.