1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,471 >> IN A NEW LABORATORY STUDY, RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT CANNABIS 2 00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:07,307 COMPOUNDS PREVENTED COVID INFECTION. 3 00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:11,211 SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED THAT THE CANNABIS COMPOUNDS BOUND TO 4 00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:14,581 SPIKE PROTEINS FOUND ON THE VIRUS AND BLOCKED THE STEPS THE 5 00:00:14,647 --> 00:00:19,552 PATHOGEN USES TO INFECT PEOPLE. >> RKO PICTURES PRESENTS, 6 00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:24,958 "REEFER WELLNESS." MEET PHIL AS HE TAKES HIS FIRST 7 00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:30,029 STEPS TOWARDS VIRAL IMMUNITY. WATCH BILL WITHOUT MASK AS HE 8 00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:33,600 LOCKS LIPS WITH HIS COVID -FREE FLAPPER. 9 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:39,973 >> I'M HEALTHY! >> SHE'S DEAD, BUT NOT FROM 10 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,975 COVID! >> THE ULTIMATE END OF THE 11 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,444 MARIJUANA USER: HOPELESS IMMUNITY. 12 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:49,616 SEE THIS IMPORTANT FILM BEFORE YOU GET COVID. 13 00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:54,988 "REEFER WELLNESS": THE DEVIL'S LUNG LETTUCE THAT WILL DRAG YOU 14 00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:58,324 STRAIGHT TO HEALTH. 15 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,895 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 16 00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:06,933 TONIGHT: 17 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,137 AND BRADLEY COOPER TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 18 00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:15,775 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: COREY STOLL 19 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:18,511 AND MUSICAL GUEST, GEESE 20 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:23,082 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 21 00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:27,387 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 22 00:01:27,454 --> 00:01:34,327 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 23 00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:35,128 ♪ ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:38,097 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 25 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:51,644 NO, NO. NO. 26 00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:54,380 >> Audience: STEPHEN! STEPHEN! 27 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:55,782 STEPHEN! STEPHEN! 28 00:01:55,849 --> 00:02:01,254 STEPHEN! >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. 29 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:05,391 BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS. 30 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:09,062 ♪ ♪ ♪ OH, MY GOODNESS. 31 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:13,933 WELCOME. WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE 32 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,935 LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 33 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:20,707 AND I WANT TO WISH-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 34 00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:26,946 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE BIG WEEKEND PLANS, BUT I HAVE HUGE 35 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:28,281 PLANS TO NOT DO SQUAT, BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC. 36 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,950 WHICH HAS, OF COURSE, FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED THE WAY 37 00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:34,954 WE ALL LIVE. IN FACT, RESEARCHERS ANALYZED 38 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,155 AMERICANS' GOOGLE SEARCHES FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS AND FOUND 39 00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,491 SOME INTERESTING TRENDS. FOR EXAMPLE, SHORTLY AFTER THE 40 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:41,694 PANDEMIC BEGAN, PEOPLE STARTED TO LOOK FOR NEW LEISURE 41 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:45,965 ACTIVITIES, WHICH LEAD TO A SURGE OF INTEREST IN ROLLER 42 00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:50,970 SKATES AND CARD GAMES. OH, NO BETTER TIME TO LEARN 43 00:02:51,037 --> 00:02:53,206 ROLLER SKATING-- THE HOSPITALS ARE ALL SO EMPTY. 44 00:02:53,273 --> 00:03:00,914 ( LAUGHTER ) STARTED SEARCHING FOR CAR PARTS 45 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,515 AND POWER TOOLS. FOLLOWED QUICKLY BY A SEARCH FOR 46 00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:06,920 "LOST FINGER IN FAN BELT, COMMA, HOW TO FIND." 47 00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:09,389 SOME TRENDS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ANY TIME SOON. 48 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,925 FOR EXAMPLE, RESEARCHERS SAY A STRONG DEMAND FOR TEQUILA AND 49 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,026 SWEATPANTS ARE HERE TO STAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 50 00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:20,533 I DON'T KNOW. I ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S A LITTLE 51 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,970 SAD, HONESTLY. TWO YEARS IN, AND PEOPLE ARE 52 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:27,941 STILL WEARING SWEATPANTS? AT HOME, I'M FULL WINNIE THE 53 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:31,144 POOH. ( LAUGHTER ) 54 00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:36,149 TO BE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THEIR PANDEMIC HABITS, SUCH AS FRIEND 55 00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:39,552 OF THE SHOW AND SELF-AWARE TABLECLOTH, REESE WITHERSPOON. 56 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:43,423 ( LAUGHTER ) INSTAGRAMMED SOME HABITS SHE'S 57 00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:53,499 TRYING TO GET INTO, INCLUDING START THE DAY WITH A BIG GLASS 58 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,134 OF WATER, GET 10 MINUTES OF OUTDOOR LIGHT. 59 00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:58,071 IN BED BY 10:00 P.M. NO LATE-NIGHT TV BINGES. 60 00:03:58,137 --> 00:03:59,906 ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT TO CORRECT YOU, BUT THE C.D.C. 61 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:04,344 RECOMMENDS GETTING AT LEAST ONE HOUR OF LATE-NIGHT TV DAILY, ANY 62 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,914 TIME BETWEEN 11:30 AND 12:30 ON CBS. 63 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,415 I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SKEPTICAL. 64 00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:10,883 SO IS Q.C.A. TV CHEF INA GARTEN, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING TO THE 65 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:19,926 NARCOTICS OFFICER, "NO, I'M JUST GROWING TOMATOES." 66 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,260 ( LAUGHTER ) WITH HER OWN LIST OF 67 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:26,899 SLIGHTLY-MORE-ATTAINABLE GOALS: STAY UP LATE WATCHING ADDICTIVE 68 00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:28,935 STREAMING SERIES, STAY IN BED IN THE MORNING PLAYING SUDOKU 69 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:33,740 INSTEAD OF READING A GOOD BOOK. AND DRINK MORE LARGE COSMOS. 70 00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:37,810 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOAL. 71 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:41,748 BECAUSE FOR INA, A LARGE COSMO IS A STEP DOWN FROM HER USUAL. 72 00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:49,088 ( LAUGHTER ) HEALTH ADVICE, I'D GO TO 73 00:04:49,155 --> 00:04:52,291 www.nowhere-on-the-internet. ever THE WEB IS FULL OF LIES ABOUT 74 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,327 COVID, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST NONSENSE IN 75 00:04:54,394 --> 00:05:00,066 TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "DISINFORMATION STATION." 76 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:05,405 >> DR. FAUCI WILL TURN YOUR GUNS INTO SOY MILK. 77 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,106 >> Stephen: THE FIRST BIT OF CRAZY COMES BY WAY OF ANTI -VAX 78 00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:09,742 NUT JOB CHRISTOPHER KEY, SEEN HERE IN A PORN KNOCKOFF OF "THE 79 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:13,746 MATRIX." ( LAUGHTER ) 80 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:17,817 STRATEGY FOR KEEPING CORONAVIRUS AT BAY WHEN HE URGED HIS 81 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:22,922 FOLLOWERS TO DRINK THEIR OWN URINE TO AVOID COVID. 82 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,290 SOUNDS SILLY, BUT THERE IS SOME SCIENCE TO IT: 83 00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:27,927 IF EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DRINK YOUR OWN PEE, THEY'LL STAY AT 84 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:36,936 LEAST SIX FEET AWAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 85 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:43,943 HERE'S MR. KEY MAKING HIS CASE: >> THE ANTIDOTE THAT WE HAVE 86 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,947 SEEN NOW-- AND WE HAVE TONS AND TONS OF RESEARCH-- IS URINE 87 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:52,952 THERAPY. OKAY, AND I KNOW TO A LOT OF YOU 88 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,253 THIS SOUNDS CRAZY BUT, GUYS, GOD'S GIVEN US EVERYTHING WE 89 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,557 NEED. EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAID I'M 90 00:05:57,623 --> 00:06:00,493 CRAY-CRAY, AND I AM, BUT I'M CRAZY LIKE A FOX, OKAY? 91 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,228 >> Stephen: ACTUALLY, FOXES DON'T DRINK THEIR OWN URINE, BUT 92 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:06,232 IF IT HELPS, YOU'RE DEFINITELY CRAZY ENOUGH TO BE ON FOX. 93 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:10,236 ( LAUGHTER ) CHRIS KEY-- 94 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:18,244 ( APPLAUSE ) OVERSELL HIS CREDENTIALS: 95 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:19,879 >> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR. I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DRINK 96 00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:22,915 THEIR OWN URINE, BUT I DRINK MY OWN URINE, AND I'VE DRANK MY OWN 97 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:25,618 URINE FOR THE LAST 23 YEARS, AND I'M STILL ALIVE. 98 00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:27,587 >> Stephen: I THINK THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO POINT OUT, JUST 99 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,223 BECAUSE SOMETHING DOESN'T KILL YOU, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD 100 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,591 DO IT. EVERY DAY FOR THREE DECADES, 101 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:34,227 I'VE SHOT MYSELF IN THE TAINT WITH A STAPLE-GUN. 102 00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:42,235 STILL ALIVE. I JUST WISH I WAS DEAD. 103 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:43,803 BUT DON'T WORRY, KEY ASSURED HIS FANS THAT HE DOESN'T ONLY DRINK 104 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:49,609 UINE: >> AND I DRINK BLEACH. 105 00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:53,012 ( LAUGHTER ) AND CHLORINE. 106 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,614 I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. ARE YOU JUST DRINKING THE 107 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,816 CONTENTS OF A PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL? 108 00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,251 ( AS CHRIS KEY ) YOU? 109 00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:04,657 LOOSE BANDAIDS." LASTLY COVID-19 IS BRINGING BACK 110 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:08,761 ONE OF THE OLDEST AND STRANGEST FAKE CURES, COLLOIDAL SILVER. 111 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:15,101 HRE'S HOW IT WORKS: IT DOESN'T. BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED RIGHT 112 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,403 WINGERS LIKE CANDACE OWENS FROM PROMOTE, IT. 113 00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:22,241 >> I TAKE COLLOIDAL SILVER EVERY SINGLE DAY. 114 00:07:22,308 --> 00:07:25,978 I LOVE COLLOIDAL SILVER. THAT IS A GREAT ONE AND PROBABLY 115 00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,047 ANOTHER ONE PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. 116 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,249 >> Stephen: PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT ONE AND WHEN 117 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,518 IT COMES TO KNOWING NOTHING, SHE'S AN EXPERT. 118 00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:36,789 THOSE WHO DO KNOW ABOUT COLLOIDAL SILVER KNOW ONE OF THE 119 00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:43,462 SIDE EFFECTS CAN BE ARGYRIA, WHICH CAN TURN ONE'S SKIN THE 120 00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:46,098 SHADE OF BLUE-GRAY. FORGET NICKI MINAJ'S FRIEND. 121 00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:49,168 TAKE THIS STUFF AND YOU CAN HAVE ACTUAL BLUE BALLS. 122 00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,405 JIMMY, DO WE HAVE A PHOTO OF SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY TURNED 123 00:07:52,471 --> 00:08:00,413 THEMSELVES LUE WITH CULL COLLOIDAL SILVER? 124 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:06,886 >> I HAVE TO SAY THAT NEW AVATAR SEQUEL DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. 125 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:11,257 SPEAKING OF SCAM ARTISTS, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE HAVE HEARD 126 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,894 FROM MIKE LINDELL. LINDELL HAS BEEN CLINGING TO HIS 127 00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:16,395 BELIEF THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS RIGGED TIGHTER THAN HE 128 00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:19,098 CLINGS TO HIS PILLOW. AND IN AN INTERVIEW RECENTLY, HE 129 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:23,903 MADE AN EXTRAORDINARY CLAIM ABOUT HOW MANY FOLKS ARE 130 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:26,906 INVOLVED. >> I'M MORE OPTIMISTIC TODAY 131 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:31,744 THAN I HAVE BEEN YESTERDAY, THE DAY BEFORE THAT. 132 00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:33,980 I'M ON AN INCLINE LIKE THIS. WHY? 133 00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,047 BECAUSE IT'S SO AMAZING, ALL THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE. 134 00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,315 WE ALREADY HAVE ALL THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE. 135 00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:39,285 WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT EVIDENCE, WE HAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO PUT 136 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,756 EVERYBODY IN PRISON FOR LIFE, 300-AND-SOME-MILLION PEOPLE. 137 00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:48,294 >> Stephen: 300 MILLION PEOPLE? 138 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,796 THAT'S OVER 90% OF THE COUNTRY THIS CONSPIRACY DOESN'T JUST GO 139 00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:57,670 ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP. IT GOES TO THE BOTTOM AND THE 140 00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:59,405 SIDES. THERE ARE 332 MILLION PEOPLE IN 141 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,040 AMERICA, INCLUDING KIDS. SO IF YOU DO THE MATH, THE 142 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,643 NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT LINDELL HAS IDENTIFIED AS CULPABLE HERE 143 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,779 IS EVERY AMERICAN AGED SEVEN AND UP. 144 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:13,686 ( APPLAUSE ) SO, SORRY, SIX-YEAR-OLDS: YOUR 145 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:17,690 PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, AND OLDER SIBLINGS ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL 146 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:21,694 FOR LIFE. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. 147 00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:25,498 HERE'S THE CONCH, GET PIGGY. CLEARLY, 300 MILLION OF US WILL 148 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,199 BE GOING TO PRISON-- THE PILLOW SALESMAN SAID SO. 149 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:31,037 I GOTTA START WORKING OUT, GET ALL PRISON HARD. 150 00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:34,106 WHEN WE DO GET THERE, IT'S GOING TO BE A BIT CRAMPED, BECAUSE 151 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:37,710 THE FEDERAL PRISON POPULATION IS ABOUT 158,000 AT THE MOMENT, 152 00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:42,114 MEANING THAT EACH CURRENTLY SERVING PRISONER WOULD NOW NEED 153 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:45,584 TO SHARE THEIR CELL WITH 1,900 OTHER PEOPLE. 154 00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:48,254 OKAY, SO, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CALL TOP BUNK EARLY. 155 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,924 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 156 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:52,892 MY GUEST IS COREY STOLL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 157 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:56,963 "MEANWHILE." STICK AROUND. 158 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:53,686 ( APPLAUSE ) STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. 159 00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:57,256 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY. 160 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,125 >> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU. 161 00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:02,261 IT'S A LOVELY FEELING, A LOVELY FEELING, YOU'VE GOTTEN THROUGH 162 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,497 ANOTHER WEEK, TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT. 163 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:05,931 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: SETTLE DOWN. 164 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:09,468 GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW. FROM "BILLIONS," COREY STOLL IS 165 00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:10,936 HERE. BRADLEY COOPER IS TAKING THE 166 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,105 COLBERT QUESTIONERT TONIGHT. >> Jon: HE WILL BE KNOWN AFTER 167 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,040 THAT. >> Stephen: HE WILL BE FULLY 168 00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:15,274 KNOWN AFTER THAT. >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 169 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,643 >> Stephen: I BET HE'S GOING TO BE GOOD AT IT. 170 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:20,046 HE'S REALLY GOOD AT A LOT OF THINGS. 171 00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:24,083 AND THOSE BLUE EYES-- I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GET ON SCUBA GEAR 172 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:28,054 BEFORE I LOOK AT THOSE EYES. IT'S LIKE CAVE DIVING. 173 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,555 IT'S ALMOST DANGEROUS TO GO IN THERE. 174 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:33,025 I FEEL I MIGHT LOSE DIRECTION AND GET CAUGHT IN THERE. 175 00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:35,961 ANYWAY, WISH ME LUCK. FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME 176 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,664 RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS, 177 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:40,066 CAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL, FRAGRANT HERBS AND 178 00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:44,370 JOKE-RICH ALLIUM, DELICATELY STIRRING THEM INTO A SATIRICAL 179 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:48,074 STOCK, BRINGING THE CONCOCTION TO A BREAKING NEWS BOIL BEFORE 180 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:51,444 PAINSTAKINGLY EDITING AWAY THE SCRAPS, LEAVING ONLY THE PUREST, 181 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:57,416 NUTRIENT-RICH CONSOMME OF COMEDY THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 182 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:00,086 BUT SOMETIMES, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE INSIDE A DEFLATED BOUNCY 183 00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:02,388 CASTLE AT A DEFUNCT AMUSEMENT PARK, I BREAK INTO A COMBINATION 184 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,123 GAS STATION/PIZZA HUT WHERE I THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER OLD HOT 185 00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:06,692 DOGS AND REPURPOSED CHEESE PRODUCT I CAN GET MY CHAPPED AND 186 00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:08,794 CRACKING HANDS ON. AND THERE, BY THE CRUEL LIGHT OF 187 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:13,032 A PIZZA WARMING DRAWER, I DROWN THE MIXTURE IN A CAN OF 188 00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:17,837 DISCONTINUED SURGE FROM 2002 BEFORE STRAINING IT THROUGH A 189 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,004 GREASE-SOILED BEARD NET TO CREATE THE FESTERING MOP BUCKET 190 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,440 SOUR MASH OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 191 00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:27,279 >> MEANWHILE! ( APPLAUSE ) 192 00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:35,454 IT'S A LIFE RAFT-- A LIFE RAFT FOR AMERICA. 193 00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:39,425 MEANWHILE, MEGAN FOX AND MACHINE GUN KELLY DRANK EACH OTHER'S 194 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:40,626 BLOOD AND ARE NOW ENGAGED. IS THAT HOW THE KIDS ARE DOING 195 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,063 IT NOW? BACK IN MY DAY, WHEN YOU WANTED 196 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:47,133 TO PROPOSE, YOU TOOK A LADY OUT TO DINNER, PULLED THE WAITER 197 00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,335 ASIDE AND TIPPED HIM TO SLIP THE BLOOD INTO THE TIRAMISU. 198 00:12:49,401 --> 00:13:03,415 ( LAUGHTER ) CALLING KELLY HER SWIN FLAME, 199 00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:06,852 ONE SOUL IN TWO DIFFERENT BODIES. 200 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:09,421 AND AFTER THAT ENGAGEMENT, ONE CASE OF HEP-C. 201 00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:14,960 ( LAUGHTER ) DELIVERED A LETTER FROM AN 202 00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:18,664 AMERICAN SOLDIER IN GERMANY. IT WAS 76 YEARS LATE. 203 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,065 WOW, THAT POOR FAMILY HAS WAITED 76 YEARS TO FIND OUT HOW THE 204 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:27,439 WAR'S GOING. THE NAZIS ARE THE BAD GUYS? 205 00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:33,445 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT. 206 00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:38,184 MEANWHILE, UNFORTUNATELY, JASON MOMOA AND LISA BONET HAVE 207 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,418 SPLIT UP. EVIDENTLY, THEY DID NOT DRINK 208 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:44,056 ENOUGH OF EACH OTHER'S BLOOD. ( LAUGHTER ) 209 00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:51,430 BASEBALL CLUB CANCELED A TWITTER TAKEOVER WITH THEIR MASCOT AFTER 210 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,400 A PICTURE HE TWEETED WAS MISINTERPRETED AS HIM SHOWING 211 00:13:54,466 --> 00:14:00,072 FANS ANOTHER PART OF HIS PICKLED ANATOMY. 212 00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:08,080 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BUY IT. 213 00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:12,084 HOW DARE ANYONE IMPLY THAT THERE'S ANYTHING PHALLIC ABOUT 214 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:15,421 THIS GIANT PICKLE-HEADED PICKLE. BUT, FINE, IF PEOPLE INSIST ON 215 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:18,524 SEEING SOMETHING DIRTY EVERYWHERE, LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 216 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:21,293 OKAY. THERE YOU GO. 217 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,063 LET'S TOSS THAT PICKLE BACK IN THE BARREL. 218 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:32,071 THAT GHERKIN IS NOT KOSHER. SO THAT PHOTO WENT UP YESTERDAY 219 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:38,010 AT 4:45 P.M. AT 4:49 P.M., THE BASEBALL TEAM 220 00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,445 ANNOUNCED: WE HAVE ENDED OUR MASCOT TAKEOVER. 221 00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:41,113 IT'S COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THS PHOTO CAN BE MISINTERPRETED 222 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,781 AS A DISTURBING IMAGE. DILLON WOULD LIKE TO GO ON 223 00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:44,083 RECORD AND SAY THAT HE WAS TRYING TO GIVE HIS FANS A 224 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:46,585 THUMBS UP. ( APPLAUSE ) 225 00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:51,457 REALLY? THAT'S A THUMBS UP? 226 00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,759 THE CAMERA IS POINTED AT HIS CROTCH, AND THE REST OF HIS HAND 227 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,127 IS CROPPED OUT. WHEN YOU'RE DOING A GESTURE, THE 228 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:59,465 PLACEMENT OF THE HAND IS REALLY IMPORTANT. 229 00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:03,435 THERE'S A REASON NIXON DIDN'T GIVE THE PEACE SIGN LIKE THIS. 230 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:14,713 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! 231 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:17,316 OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HAVE 232 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:26,825 TO WHET MY WHISTLE ON THAT ONE. MEANWHILE, THE T.S.A. JUST 233 00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:31,196 RELEASED ITS LIST OF UNUSUAL CONFISCATED ITEMS OF 2021. 234 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:41,040 I ASSUME THE TOP ITEM ON THE LIST IS MY DIGNITY. 235 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,508 NOTHING CRUSHES THE SPIRIT LIKE GETTING YOUR JUNK KNUCKLE-DUSTED 236 00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:43,642 IN FRONT OF 700 PEOPLE. AMONG THE ITEMS ON THE T.S. A.'S 237 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,444 CONFISCATED LIST: BEAR SPRAY, A MACHETE, 238 00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:48,247 FIREWORKS, AND A CHAINSAW. WHO IS STILL SO UNCLEAR ON 239 00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:51,317 AIRPLANE RULES THAT THEY THINK THEY'RE GETTING A CHAINSAW 240 00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:56,088 THROUGH SECURITY? IT'LL BE FINE. 241 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,657 I'LL JUST SLIP IT INTO THAT LITTLE BOWL. 242 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,059 BUT MY FAVORITE ITEM ON THE T.S.A.'S LIST OF CONFISCATED 243 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,028 ITEMS: A METH BURRITO. STILL BETTER FOR YOU THAN TACO 244 00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:08,067 BELL. ( LAUGHTER ) 245 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:15,808 REVENUE SURGED 67% LAST YEAR. CONSUMERS STUCK AT HOME OVER THE 246 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:18,377 PAST 18 MONTHS DITCHED DRESS SHOES FOR MORE COMFORTABLE 247 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:21,447 FOOTWEAR, WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN: 248 00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:26,352 CROCS: SHHH, JUST GIVE UP. ( LAUGHTER ) 249 00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:28,420 COOPER TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 250 00:16:55,013 --> 00:17:00,319 I'M BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "NIGHTMARE ALLEY," BRADLEY 251 00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:01,787 COOPER. YOU KNOW, BRADLEY, I ALWAYS HAVE 252 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,591 A GREAT TIME TALKING TO YOU. >> ME, TOO. 253 00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:08,527 >> Stephen: YOU'RE INTELLIGENT, INTERESTING, 254 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:11,497 INTERESTED IN YOUR OWN PROJECTS, AND ALWAYS HAVE A UNIQUE 255 00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:15,167 PERSPECTIVE ON YOUR WORK, AND ALSO PRESENT BEAUTIFUL WORK TO 256 00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:18,070 THE WORLD. BUT EVEN FOR ALL OF THAT, THE 257 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:21,807 FACT THAT WE ONLY GET TO TALK LIKE THIS FOR, SAY, 15 MINUTES 258 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:25,210 AT A TIME, MEANS I NEVER TRULY GET TO KNOW YOU. 259 00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:29,214 IT HAPPENS WITH SO MANY GUESTS I'D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER. 260 00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:33,085 WHEN IS WHY THE SCIENTISTS AT "LATE SHOW" LABS" HAVE COME UP 261 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:35,454 WITH 15 QUESTIONS THEY HOLD IN MY HAND RIGHT HERE, THAT WHEN 262 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:44,563 ASKED OF A STAR, PLUMB THE DEPTH OF THAT MAN OR WOMAN'S SOUL, AT 263 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,166 THE END OF WHICH THEY ARE KNOWN FULLY. 264 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,568 ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? 265 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:55,374 >> YES, SIR. ♪ ♪ ♪ 266 00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:59,711 >> Stephen: QUESTION NUMBER ONE, BRADLEY COOPER: WHAT IS THE 267 00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,981 BEST SANDWICH? >> ONION MOZZARELLA SANDWICH ON 268 00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:08,887 WHITE BREAD THAT MY GRANDFATHER USED TO MAKE. 269 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:12,825 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD 270 00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,461 REALLY THROW OUT? >> MY TRUCK. 271 00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:16,628 ( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 272 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:18,397 >> THE MERCEDES G-55. I SHOULD PROBABLY GET RID OF IT. 273 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:19,398 >> Stephen: SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT? 274 00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,934 >> WELL, IT'S A LOT OF GAS, A LOT OF GAS. 275 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,903 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 276 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:30,175 >> THE KIMODO DRAGON. I'M JUST DOING THE TOP OF MY 277 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:31,910 HEAD, RIGHT, IS THAT HOW IT WORKS. 278 00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:35,347 >> Stephen: YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON THE ISLAND OF KIMODO, 279 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:39,284 THAN MOST PEOPLE. >> IT CAN EAT A COW, CAN'T IT, 280 00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:40,219 IN ONE GULP. ANYWAY. 281 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,753 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES. >> APPLES. 282 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,922 >> Stephen: YES. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR 283 00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:46,658 THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> YES, TUG McGRA. 284 00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,927 I WAS EIGHT. IT WAS THE FORD DEALERSHIP 285 00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:52,931 BEHIND MY HOUSE. >> Stephen: EVERY ANSWER WE'VE 286 00:18:52,998 --> 00:19:01,874 GOTTEN IS A MALE STAR ASKING FOR A SPORTS FIGURE. 287 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,042 >> REALLY? >> Stephen: YES. 288 00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:07,446 SO YOU'RE NOT SO UNIQUE. ( LAUGHTER ) 289 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,781 WE DIE? >> OH, MAN. 290 00:19:09,848 --> 00:19:13,852 YOU TELL ME. >> Stephen: THERE ARE THESE 291 00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:16,388 PEARLY GATES... ( LAUGHTER ) 292 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:24,563 >> REQUESTED BLADE RUNNER." IS IT AN ACTION MOVIE? 293 00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,864 >> Stephen: YES. WINDOW ORILE? 294 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:31,970 >> WINDOW. ( APPLAUSE ). 295 00:19:32,037 --> 00:19:34,406 TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ON A FLIGHT. 296 00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:40,245 >> IF I DO, IT'S OKAY. "EXCUSE ME, SORRY." 297 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:42,781 I CAN DO IT. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL? 298 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,350 >> LIKE-- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. 299 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:51,089 >> Stephen: IT'S A SCIENTIFIC QUESTIONNAIRE. 300 00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:53,792 >> MY FIRST THING, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, THE SMELL OF DAISY 301 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,295 OR SOMETHING, AND THIN WENT RIGHT TO PIZZA. 302 00:19:56,361 --> 00:20:00,432 SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SAYS. >> Stephen: GOOD TASTE. 303 00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:02,134 LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL? >> POO. 304 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,671 >> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 305 00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:09,875 >> OH, MAN. APP ON MY PHONE... 306 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:15,247 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. APP ON MY PHONE... 307 00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:19,117 I DON'T KNOW, MAN. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO TIKTOK? 308 00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:20,519 >> NO. >> Stephen: DO YOU LOOK AT 309 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:23,455 TWITTER? >> I'M ON NO SOCIAL MEDIA. 310 00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,958 >> Stephen: THE WEATHER APP? >> OKAY, THE WEATHER. 311 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:31,496 ( APPLAUSE ) >> DOGS! 312 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:35,867 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE 313 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:45,877 SONG TO LISTEN TO THE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? 314 00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:49,247 >> GUSTAV MUELLER'S RESURRECTION. 315 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,651 >> Stephen: YOU GOT ANY IN YOU? 316 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:55,887 >> WE DON'T HAVE ANY INSTRUMENTS FOR THAT? 317 00:20:55,954 --> 00:21:00,892 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 318 00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:01,860 >> 8. >> Stephen: NO. 319 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:05,197 >> TWO. >> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE 320 00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:06,732 ANSWER. THERE ARE NO MULLIGANS. 321 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:09,034 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 322 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,871 >> OH, MAN. THAT'S TWO. 323 00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:20,412 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S TWO. 324 00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:22,748 YES. >> Stephen: BRADLEY COOPER, 325 00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:25,884 THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN. 326 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:30,956 BRADLEY COOPER, EVERYBODY. "NIGHTMARE ALLEY" AND "LICORICE 327 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:33,025 PIZZA." GO SEE THEM. 328 00:21:54,046 --> 00:22:03,989 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW 329 00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,090 MY GUEST TONIGHT AS AN ACTOR FROM "HOUSE OF CARDS," 330 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,392 "ANT-MAN," AND "BILLIONS." PLEASE WELCOME COREY STOLL. 331 00:22:07,459 --> 00:22:22,340 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 332 00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:27,946 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 333 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,948 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 334 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:33,985 THANKS FOR BEING BACK, MAN. >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME BACK. 335 00:22:34,052 --> 00:22:37,956 >> Stephen: ALSO NICE TO HAVE A TRUE STAGE ACTOR HERE ON THIS 336 00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,959 BROADWAY STAGE OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, A MAN WHO CAN 337 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,462 APPRECIATE A CROWD LIKE THIS. >> IT REALLY TOUCHES MY HEART. 338 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:46,131 I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A STAGE IN TWO YEARS, AND IT'S JUST A 339 00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,766 BEAUTIFUL, A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO BE. 340 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,103 >> Stephen: BUT RIGHT BEFORE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 341 00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:58,977 EVERYTHING DOWN, YOU WERE PLAYING McBETH. 342 00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:00,178 >> INDEED. >> Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU 343 00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:03,582 DOING THIS? >> AT C.S.C. DOWNTOWN. 344 00:23:03,648 --> 00:23:06,918 >> Stephen: AND CLASSIC SHAKESPEARE. 345 00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:10,322 >> CLASSIC STAGE COMPANY. >> Stephen: CLASSIC STAGE 346 00:23:10,388 --> 00:23:11,223 COMPANY. YOUR WIFE, WAS PLAYING LADY 347 00:23:11,289 --> 00:23:13,492 MACBETH. HERE YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT THERE. 348 00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:22,768 AND ALL-- THAT'S THE FIRST "AW" THAT LADY MACBETH HAS EVER 349 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:24,402 GOTTEN. "AW, SHE'S TELLING HIM TO MURDER 350 00:23:24,469 --> 00:23:25,971 THE KING." WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR THE TWO OF 351 00:23:26,037 --> 00:23:31,109 YOU AS AN ACTUAL HUSBAND AND WIFE TO PLAY THIS-- I MEAN, NEXT 352 00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:36,448 TO ROMEO AND JULIETTE, MAYBE THE MOST FAMOUS COUPLE IN 353 00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:38,617 SHAKESPEARE. >> YES, AND JUST AS TRAGICALLY. 354 00:23:38,683 --> 00:23:43,955 IT WAS A DELIGHT. I MEAN THAT "AW" THAT YOU GOT, 355 00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:47,058 IT FITS THE WHOLE VIEP OF WHAT THE EXPERIENCE WAS WHEN WE DID 356 00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,060 IT. THERE WAS A LOT OF TREPIDATION 357 00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:51,096 AT THE BEGINNING, LIKE, DO WE WANT TO DO THIS? 358 00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:55,233 DO WE WANT TO BRING THIS KIND OF ENERGY INTO OUR MARRIAGE? 359 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,669 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE KIDS? >> YEAH, WE HAVE A YOUNG BOY. 360 00:23:57,736 --> 00:24:00,238 >> Stephen: OKAY. >> HE'S SIX NOW, HE WAS FOUR 361 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:01,439 THEN. >> Stephen: DID HE SEE THE 362 00:24:01,506 --> 00:24:04,810 PERFORMANCE? >> NO, HE CAME-- HE SAW A FIGHT 363 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:07,379 CALL ONCE, WHERE YOU GO THROUGH ALL THE FIGHTS. 364 00:24:07,445 --> 00:24:09,481 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. >> JUST TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL 365 00:24:09,548 --> 00:24:11,883 IN YOUR BODY. AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY 366 00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:13,118 COOL. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE DONE A 367 00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:19,224 FAIR AMOUNT OF SHAKESPEARE. "JULIUS CAESAR" AND "OTELLO." 368 00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:21,760 WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH SHAKESPEARE? 369 00:24:21,827 --> 00:24:24,429 I'M CURIOUS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE A FAIR AMOUNT. 370 00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:26,565 WHEN DID YOU FIRST MEET SHAKESPEARE? 371 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:30,435 >> AS IT WERE? >> MY DAD WAS A JUNIOR HIGH 372 00:24:30,502 --> 00:24:32,904 SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER GROWING UP-- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, NOT 373 00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:37,342 WHEN HE WAS GROWING UP. AND HE WOULD, YOU KNOW, TAKE THE 374 00:24:37,409 --> 00:24:42,380 STUDENTS TO ALL THESE GREAT OFF-BROADWAY PRODUCTIONS AND I 375 00:24:42,447 --> 00:24:45,483 WOULD TAG ALONG. AND, YEAH, EVEN LIKE STARTING AT 376 00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:50,288 A REALLY YOUNG AGE, NINE, 10, SEEING SHAKESPEARE AND NOT 377 00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:53,491 GETTING THE-- YOU KNOW, HARDLY ANY OF IT. 378 00:24:53,558 --> 00:24:55,694 >> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST THING YOU SAW? 379 00:24:55,760 --> 00:25:01,499 >> I THINK IT WAS A "HAMLET." I THINK I WAS LIKE 10, AND 380 00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:03,835 "HAMLET" AND THE GHOST, ZERO BUDGET PRODUCTION, AND THE GHOST 381 00:25:03,902 --> 00:25:05,670 WAS A FLASHLIGHT UP AGAINST THE WALL. 382 00:25:05,737 --> 00:25:08,506 AND I WAS MERMERRIZED. I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPER COOL. 383 00:25:08,573 --> 00:25:13,211 >> Stephen: YOUR LATEST FILM IS ACTUALLY SHAKESPEARE RELATED, 384 00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:17,482 "WEST SIDE STORY" WHICH IS, OF COURSE, A MODERN TAKE ON "ROMEO 385 00:25:17,549 --> 00:25:19,551 AND JULIETTE." ( APPLAUSE ) 386 00:25:19,618 --> 00:25:28,126 WAS THE THIS FIRST TIME YOU WORKED WITH STEPHEN SPIELBERG? 387 00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,828 >> YES. >> Stephen: I HEAR HE'S GOOD. 388 00:25:29,895 --> 00:25:32,631 WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE? >> HE'S GOT A FUTURE. 389 00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:36,134 HE'S GOT A FUTURE. HE-- YOU KNOW, HE IS-- HE LOVES 390 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,537 WHAT HE'S DOING, EVERY MOMENT OF WHAT HE'S DOING WHEN HE'S ON 391 00:25:39,604 --> 00:25:43,642 SET. YOU GET A SENSE THAT HE WOULD-- 392 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:47,078 WOULDN'T RATHER BE ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. 393 00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:52,550 SO IT WAS-- AND THE WHOLE-- I HAD NEVER SEEN AN ENSEMBLE LIKE 394 00:25:52,617 --> 00:25:56,922 THAT. I COME FROM KNOW-- QUOTE, 395 00:25:56,988 --> 00:25:58,690 UNQUOTE-- LEGIT THEATER-- NO SINGING. 396 00:25:58,757 --> 00:26:01,493 AND I THINK THERE'S A CERTAIN SNOBBERY WITH THAT, AND WE THINK 397 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:06,331 OF, YOU KNOW, MUSICAL THEATER PEOPLE AS, LIKE, CATTY AND, YOU 398 00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:10,568 KNOW, REALLY COMPETITIVE. AND IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE 399 00:26:10,635 --> 00:26:13,738 DIFFERENT. IT WAS THE MOST, LIKE, LOVING, 400 00:26:13,805 --> 00:26:17,909 SUPPORTIVE -- >> Stephen: DO YOU SING IN IT? 401 00:26:17,976 --> 00:26:20,478 >> NO! >> Stephen: REALLY? 402 00:26:20,545 --> 00:26:23,915 >> NO, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE THAT, NO. 403 00:26:23,982 --> 00:26:28,520 I WISH-- I WISH I COULD ADD VALUE BY SINGING TO THE SHOW, 404 00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:31,990 BUT... >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE ALSO 405 00:26:32,057 --> 00:26:35,927 IN "BILLIONS." AND YOU PLAY A BILLIONAIRE 406 00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,063 BANKER. AND IS IT FUN TO PLAY A 407 00:26:38,129 --> 00:26:39,965 BILLIONAIRE? DO YOU GET NICE CLOTHES? 408 00:26:40,031 --> 00:26:41,933 AND IS IT NICE LOCATIONS AND EVERYTHING? 409 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:46,071 BECAUSE I IMAGINE IT'S, YOU KNOW, MORE COMFORTABLE THAN 410 00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:48,506 PLAYING A DUSTBOWL OKIE. >> YEAH, YEAH. 411 00:26:48,573 --> 00:26:55,046 THE CLOTHES ARE INCREDIBLE. BUT, YOU KNOW, AFTER-- YOU KNOW, 412 00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:57,582 WE WERE FILMING AND WE HAD TO SHUT DOWN FOR THE PANDEMIC, AND 413 00:26:57,649 --> 00:26:59,918 THEN WE WAIT AID YEAR -- >> Stephen: HOW FAR WERE YOU 414 00:26:59,985 --> 00:27:03,421 INTO THE SEASON? >> WE WERE ABOUT EIGHT EPISODES 415 00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:07,859 IN AND WE HAD ABOUT FOUR LEFT. AND, YOU KNOW, I HAD BEEN 416 00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:10,829 WEARING PAJAMAS,s LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD, FOR A SURE. 417 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:12,630 >> Stephen: SURE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY. 418 00:27:12,697 --> 00:27:19,137 >> AND THEN, YOU KNOW, COMING BACK INTO THESE STRUCTURED SUITS 419 00:27:19,204 --> 00:27:22,841 WAS-- IT WAS A LITTLE-- IT WAS A RUDE AWAKENING. 420 00:27:22,907 --> 00:27:24,642 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE. 421 00:27:24,709 --> 00:27:26,411 CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING? 422 00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:29,614 IT'S YOU AND... >> PAUL GIAMATTI. 423 00:27:29,681 --> 00:27:34,419 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. >> WHO PLAYS CHUCK RHOADES, WHO 424 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,154 IS THE NEW YORK STATE ATTORNEY GENERAL. 425 00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:39,491 I THINK IT'S SELF -EXPLANATORY. I SORT OF BETRAY HIM AT THE END 426 00:27:39,557 --> 00:27:43,928 OF THE LAST SEASON, AND I TRY TO MAKE AMENDZ. 427 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:45,930 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, JIM. >> SO YOU'VE BECOME A MODERN 428 00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:47,699 DAY, LEAVING MATTERS OF STATE FOR THE PLOW. 429 00:27:47,766 --> 00:27:53,938 >> I REALLY NEEDED A BREAK, A RECHARGE. 430 00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:57,842 >> I IMAGINE YOU FEEL THERE'S UNFINISHED BUSINESS WITH ME. 431 00:27:57,909 --> 00:28:00,278 BUT I'M UNLIKE THE MAN WHO CAME BEFORE ME. 432 00:28:00,345 --> 00:28:04,249 I WILL NEVER GIVE YOU A LEGAL OPENING, BECAUSE I DO NOT BREAK 433 00:28:04,315 --> 00:28:05,183 THE LAW. >> BILLIONAIRES BREAK THE LAWS 434 00:28:05,250 --> 00:28:07,552 OF DECENCY, EVEN WHILE OBEYING THE LETTER. 435 00:28:07,619 --> 00:28:13,892 >> BY DEFINITION, HAVING THAT MUCH IS CRIMINAL. 436 00:28:13,958 --> 00:28:21,900 >> A POINT MUCH OPEN TO DEBATE. BUT I CAN BE YOUR ALLY. 437 00:28:21,966 --> 00:28:27,605 >> Stephen: NOW-- ( APPLAUSE ) 438 00:28:27,672 --> 00:28:31,910 IF IT'S BEEN ONE YEAR-- FAIRLY RECENTLY THERE WAS A POWERBALL 439 00:28:31,976 --> 00:28:35,847 OUT THERE THAT WAS $600 MILLION. IT MIGHT STILL-- I DON'T KNOW IF 440 00:28:35,914 --> 00:28:38,683 ANYBODY HAS WON IT YET. DID YOU EVER FANTASIZE ABOUT 441 00:28:38,750 --> 00:28:41,719 WINNING THE LOTTERY? WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A BILLION 442 00:28:41,786 --> 00:28:45,757 YOURSELF? >> I'M, LIKE, A VERY BAD 443 00:28:45,824 --> 00:28:50,395 FANTASIZER ABOUT GETTING RICH. WELL, WHENEVER THE LOTTERY GETS 444 00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:54,099 REALLY HIGH, I-- I HAVE A LITTLE MOMENT OF FANTASIZING ABOUT IT. 445 00:28:54,165 --> 00:28:58,103 AND THEN I THINK OH, I'D GET A REALLY NICE APARTMENT, AND I'D, 446 00:28:58,169 --> 00:29:02,607 YOU KNOW, INVITE MY WHOLE FAMILY TO SOME TROPICAL ISLAND. 447 00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:07,011 AND THEN THE SHAME SPIRAL BEGINS AND I THINK ABOUT ALL THE OTHER 448 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,646 PEOPLE THAT SHOULD HAVE THAT MONEY. 449 00:29:08,713 --> 00:29:14,686 AND EVEN THIS JUST EXERCISE IN FANTASY, I-- IT-- I RUIN IT. 450 00:29:14,752 --> 00:29:18,256 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU. 451 00:29:18,323 --> 00:29:21,893 >> I KNOW. DOESN'T THAT SUCK. 452 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,895 >> Stephen: WELL, IN THAT CASE, FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, I HOPE 453 00:29:23,962 --> 00:29:26,164 YOU NEVER GET $1 BILLION. >> THANK YOU. 454 00:29:26,231 --> 00:29:27,999 >> Stephen: I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT. 455 00:29:28,066 --> 00:29:31,169 >> I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. 456 00:29:31,236 --> 00:29:34,272 >> Stephen: COREY, SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 457 00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:36,908 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE SEASON SIX OF "BILLIONS" 458 00:29:36,975 --> 00:29:38,910 PREMIERES JANUARY 23 ON SHOWTIME. 459 00:29:38,977 --> 00:29:40,979 COREY STOLL, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 460 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,937 WELCOME BACK. TO THE SHOW-GRAM. 461 00:30:06,004 --> 00:30:10,074 FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT BEFORE TAPING I COME OUT HERE 462 00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:12,076 AND TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE. 463 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:15,079 NO QUESTION IS TOO PERSONAL, NO ANSWER IS TOO DUMB. 464 00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:19,150 AND WE RECORD ALL OF THAT FOR YOU TO WATCH. 465 00:30:19,217 --> 00:30:24,822 JIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 466 00:30:24,889 --> 00:30:29,861 YES, SIR, RIGHT THERE. >> YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT SO MANY 467 00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:34,899 THINGS, BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT 468 00:30:34,966 --> 00:30:37,402 SOUTH CAROLINA BARBECUE. >> Stephen: ARE YOU FROM NORTH 469 00:30:37,468 --> 00:30:40,104 CAROLINA. BABY, I'M AS SORRY AS I CAN BE. 470 00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:43,007 YOU GUYS GOT A LOT GOING FOR YOU. 471 00:30:43,074 --> 00:30:46,444 I LOVE THE MOUNTAINS, I LOVE THE OUTER BANKS. 472 00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:48,947 I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS FROM NORTH CAROLINA. 473 00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:53,084 DON'T GET ME WRONG. AND I'M SORRY AS I CAN BE, BUT 474 00:30:53,151 --> 00:30:56,221 THAT ( BLEEP ) THAT YOU CALL BARBECUE... 475 00:30:56,287 --> 00:31:01,826 ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING-- IT'S GOOD. 476 00:31:01,893 --> 00:31:05,563 IT'S GOOD AND THEN YOU PUT THAT VINEGAR SAUCE ON IT AND RUIN 477 00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:10,435 PERFECTLY GOOD-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUB MAYONNAISE ON IT? 478 00:31:10,501 --> 00:31:14,339 >> THAT GOES ON A HOT DOG, NOT BARBECUE. 479 00:31:14,405 --> 00:31:16,040 >> Stephen: I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL. 480 00:31:16,107 --> 00:31:25,149 IN THE WAY BACK. .WHEN I'M UP HERE WHAT DO I 481 00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,118 MISABOUT DOWN THERE? I LIKE TO FISH. 482 00:31:27,185 --> 00:31:30,388 I LIKE BEING ON THE WATER. I MISS THE BETTER STARS AT 483 00:31:30,455 --> 00:31:31,322 NIGHT. I MISS... 484 00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:34,325 PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COOK SHRIMP DOWN THERE. 485 00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:36,761 MAN. IF YOU'RE FROM SHRIMP COUNTRY-- 486 00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:42,700 AND, JON, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE FROM SHRIMP COUNTRY, AND YOU GO 487 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:46,904 SOMEWHERE AND THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK SHRIMP, YOU WONDER 488 00:31:46,971 --> 00:31:51,843 WHAT DID THEY DO TO THESE BEAUTIFUL SHRIMP. 489 00:31:51,909 --> 00:31:54,145 YOU HAVE TO BE SO GENTLE WITH THE SHRIMP. 490 00:31:54,212 --> 00:31:56,047 YOU HAVE TO EASE THEM INTO THE STEAM. 491 00:31:56,114 --> 00:32:00,818 AND PEOPLE DOWN THERE KNOW NOT TO SERVE THE SHRIMP WITH A TAIL 492 00:32:00,885 --> 00:32:04,255 ON IF THERE'S A SAUCE INVOLVED. IF THERE'S A SAUCE INVOLVED I'M 493 00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:08,926 SUPPOSED TO GO IN WITH MY BARE HANDS AND TAKE OFF THE TAIL. 494 00:32:08,993 --> 00:32:11,929 THERE'S NOWHERE ANYBODY IS DUMB ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE TAIL ON IF 495 00:32:11,996 --> 00:32:13,231 THERE'S A SAUCE. I'M FURIOUS! 496 00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:14,465 I'M MAD. ANYBODY? 497 00:32:14,532 --> 00:32:20,705 YES, SIR, IN THE FRONT ROW. >> YOU HAVE JON STEWART ON LAST 498 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:24,342 WEEK DESCRIBING THE PERFECT SANDWICH. 499 00:32:24,409 --> 00:32:28,446 MY QUESTION WAS NOT SANDWICH RELATED. 500 00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:32,917 >> Stephen: PERFECT PIZZA? THE OLD SAYING IS, "PIZZA IS 501 00:32:32,984 --> 00:32:35,420 LIKE SEX. EVEN WHEN IT'S BAD, IT'S PRETTY 502 00:32:35,486 --> 00:32:37,488 GOOD." BUT I DON'T KNOW, FOR ME, I GO 503 00:32:37,555 --> 00:32:40,258 TWO WAYS ON THIS-- ALSO JUST LIKE SEX. 504 00:32:40,325 --> 00:32:43,027 ( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE JUST PLAIN. 505 00:32:43,094 --> 00:32:45,963 I JUST LIKE IT PLAIN. ALSO. 506 00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:51,903 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST PLAIN, BABY. 507 00:32:51,969 --> 00:32:55,106 DON'T-- DON'T COMPLICATE IT. DON'T COMPLICATE IT, OKAY? 508 00:32:55,173 --> 00:33:00,044 BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, LIKE, IF, LIKE, GUN TO MY HEAD 509 00:33:00,111 --> 00:33:07,685 WHAT'S THE PIZZA I I WANT, PRISCIUTTO AND KARMALLIZED 510 00:33:07,752 --> 00:33:13,925 ONION. TAT'S MY JAM. 511 00:33:13,991 --> 00:33:16,828 THAT WILL DO IT. AND THAT WILL JUST PUT ME DOWN. 512 00:33:16,894 --> 00:33:22,467 THAT WILL PUT ME DOWN LIKE A LABRADOR WITH HIP DYSPLASIA. 513 00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:25,603 I'M DOWN. MA'AM, RIGHT THERE, I SAW YOU 514 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,372 FIRST. >> I'M WONDERING IF YOU'LL 515 00:33:27,438 --> 00:33:31,042 RECONSIDER GROWING YOUR MUSTACHE BACK. 516 00:33:31,109 --> 00:33:35,313 ( APPLAUSE ) LET'S TAKE A QUICK VOTE. 517 00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:38,816 WHO HERE IS IN FAVOR OF THE MUSTACHE? 518 00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:43,187 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MUSTACHE 519 00:33:43,254 --> 00:33:50,628 ( LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, EVIE HATES IT. 520 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:54,632 SO THAT'S WHY IT WENT AWAY. I-- NO, NO. 521 00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:57,835 BECAUSE THEN YOU HAVE THIS AND THE GOATEE AND THEN YOU LOOK 522 00:33:57,902 --> 00:34:00,571 LIKE YOU'RE PREPPING FOR YOUR VIAGRA COMMERCIAL. 523 00:34:00,638 --> 00:34:04,075 LIKE, I HAVE A DAD BAND OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S 524 00:34:04,142 --> 00:34:07,111 STILL GOING TO BE ALL WHITE. IT'S ALL GOING TO BE WHITE. 525 00:34:07,178 --> 00:34:10,348 THIS IS NOT DYED, NO MATTER WHAT HIGH SISTER SAYS. 526 00:34:10,415 --> 00:34:12,917 I'M VERY GRAY AT THE TEMPLES, BUT FROM HERE DOWN, ANDERSON 527 00:34:12,984 --> 00:34:14,218 COOPER. ALL RIGHT, YES, SIR? 528 00:34:14,285 --> 00:34:18,022 >> STEPHEN, ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE NEW "LORD OF THE RINGS"? 529 00:34:18,089 --> 00:34:20,825 ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON IT AS WELL? 530 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:24,195 >> Stephen: I CANNOT REVEAL IF I'M GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW. 531 00:34:24,262 --> 00:34:27,698 I'M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE RELEASED ONE 532 00:34:27,765 --> 00:34:30,935 PHOTO SO FAR. IT CLEARLY APPEARS TO BE THE 533 00:34:31,002 --> 00:34:36,941 CITY OF IT, IRANA PONTOONA, WHERE THE VALOR LIVED WITH THE 534 00:34:37,008 --> 00:34:42,847 HIGH ELVES AND THE TWO TREES ARE THERE. 535 00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:45,283 THE TWO TREES, ONE GOLD AND ONE SILVER. 536 00:34:45,349 --> 00:34:52,824 THE LIGHT OF WHICH WAS CAPTURED IN THE THREE SILMERALS, AND 537 00:34:52,890 --> 00:34:57,328 STOLEN BY MELGORTH. AND THEN THEY FLED BACK TO 538 00:34:57,395 --> 00:35:02,400 MIDDLE EARTH TO GO TO-- IT'S NOT ENOUGH. 539 00:35:02,467 --> 00:35:04,535 IT'S NOT ENOUGH. IT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. 540 00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:07,905 IT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. WHO SAID THAT? 541 00:35:07,972 --> 00:35:10,374 WHO SAID THAT? OKAY. 542 00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:15,680 YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE OLD FELLA. I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 543 00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:22,887 TO GET THE ( BLEEP ) OUT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 544 00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,956 WITH A PERFORMANCE BY GEESE. 545 00:36:23,981 --> 00:36:27,952 ♪ SOME ARE BORN WITH THE PSYCHIC INFLECTION 546 00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:28,853 ♪ CATASTROPHIC WHEN THEY GO IN THE STREET 547 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:35,927 ♪ IT COMES TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU NATURALLY 548 00:36:35,993 --> 00:36:40,264 ♪ LEAVING ME BLIND TO ALL TIME AND ALL DIRECTION 549 00:36:40,331 --> 00:36:43,034 ♪ KILLING YOUR NATURE JUST TO IRRITATE ME 550 00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:48,806 ♪ YOU LIE EVERY TIME YOU TURN AWAY 551 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:52,577 ♪ AND YOU'RE TOO NAÏVE TO BE SO PETTY 552 00:36:52,643 --> 00:37:00,117 ♪ YOU'RE ONLY CHOOSING WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY 553 00:37:00,184 --> 00:37:04,021 ♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SHE CALLS ME 554 00:37:04,088 --> 00:37:07,058 ♪ AND ALL I KNOW IS PATIENCE AND LOVE FOR YOU 555 00:37:07,124 --> 00:37:13,030 ♪ PULLS ME UP INTO THE SKY WHEN SHE ASKS ME 556 00:37:13,097 --> 00:37:17,568 ♪ WHAT AM I GONNA DO? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 557 00:37:17,635 --> 00:37:29,580 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ SWIMMING ALONE 558 00:37:29,647 --> 00:37:33,584 IN A SEA-WORLD WASTELAND ♪ FLOATING LIFELESS 559 00:37:33,651 --> 00:37:37,188 TO THE EDGE OF THE POOL ♪ PULLS ME UP INTO THE SKY 560 00:37:37,254 --> 00:37:49,033 WHEN SHE ASKS ME ♪ ♪ ♪ 561 00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:53,270 ♪ MODERN MAGAZINES AND HOLY SCRIPTURES 562 00:37:53,337 --> 00:37:57,575 ♪ MY PLAY REHEARSALS ALL GO UNHEARD 563 00:37:57,642 --> 00:38:01,045 ♪ LOVE IS RUNNING A LITTLE FASTER 564 00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:13,057 ♪ LOSING MY BODY WITH ONE ANCIENT WORD 565 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:17,461 ♪ ON THE HOUR OF MY DEATH, THE PAGE RIPS 566 00:38:17,528 --> 00:38:19,030 ♪ ALL IS LOST AND I AM LEFT 567 00:38:19,096 --> 00:38:24,602 ♪ TO ROT THE BEGINNING OF THE END 568 00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:28,039 ♪ APPROACHES YOU AND I, 569 00:38:28,105 --> 00:38:33,577 ♪ WE FLOAT UP TO THE TOP I AM DEAD FOR ONE MOMENT 570 00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:41,252 ♪ I AM DEAD FOR ONE MOMENT THE LORD SPEAKS 571 00:38:41,318 --> 00:38:45,556 ♪ FOR ONE MOMENT HEATING UP FOR ONE MOMENT 572 00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:53,097 ♪ SWIMMING ALONE IN A SEA-WORLD WASTELAND 573 00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:57,568 ♪ FLOATING LIFELESS TO THE EDGE OF THE POOL 574 00:38:57,635 --> 00:39:01,372 ♪ PULLS ME UP INTO THE SKY WHEN SHE ASKS ME ♪ 575 00:39:01,439 --> 00:39:09,580 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 576 00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:17,088 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 577 00:39:17,154 --> 00:39:21,559 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 578 00:39:21,625 --> 00:39:28,766 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 579 00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:33,571 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 580 00:39:33,637 --> 00:39:41,579 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 581 00:39:41,645 --> 00:39:45,583 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 582 00:39:45,649 --> 00:39:53,157 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 583 00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:57,561 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 584 00:39:57,628 --> 00:40:01,565 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 585 00:40:01,632 --> 00:40:09,206 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 586 00:40:09,273 --> 00:40:12,977 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 587 00:40:13,043 --> 00:40:17,047 TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY SENATOR ELIZABETH 588 00:40:17,114 --> 00:40:19,049 WARREN, ELVIS COSTELLO, AND CHRISTINE BARANSKI. 589 00:40:19,116 --> 00:40:21,118 GOOD NIGHT.