1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:05,872 DeSANTIS RAISED EYEBROWS ON FRIDAY WITH THIS STATEMENT -- 2 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:09,309 >> THINK ABOUT IT, BEFORE COVID, DID ANYONE GO OUT AND SEEK 3 00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:11,811 TESTING TO DETERMINE IF THEY WERE SICK? 4 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:15,014 >> Stephen: THIS DESPITE THE FACT THAT PREVENTATIVE 5 00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,816 SCREENINGS FOR DISEASES ARE VERY COMMON. 6 00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,486 >> IT'S REALLY DISCONCERTING TO BE LIVING IN A STATE WHERE I CAN 7 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:23,823 ASSURE YOU THAT MANY FLORIDIANS KNOW THAT DeSANTIS HAS GONE 8 00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:29,329 COMPLETELY OFF THE DEEP END. >> HAVE YOU JUST INFECTED AN 9 00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:31,498 ENTIRE ROOM WITH STUPIDITY BECAUSE YOU WERE UNAWARE YOU HAD 10 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:34,934 IT? INTRODUCING THE Binax HOME 11 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:37,504 IDOCY TEST. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS -- 12 00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:40,240 INSIDE YOUR Binax KIT, YOU WILL FIND A SMALL MIRROR. 13 00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:45,545 HOLD IT UP TO YOUR FACE TO SEE IF YOU'RE RON DeSANTIS. 14 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,847 IF YOU ARE, REMOVE THE INCLUDED SWAB AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN 15 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:51,785 DON'T SHINE. THE Binax HOME IDIOCY TEST. 16 00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:57,056 THINK ABOUT IT -- BECAUSE HE DIDN'T. 17 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:58,425 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 18 00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:06,399 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! TONIGHT, INFECTION POINT! 19 00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:15,842 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES GAYLE KING AND TIG NOTARO, FEATURING JON 20 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:22,482 BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 21 00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:27,821 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 22 00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:42,769 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH! 23 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:47,841 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH! 24 00:01:47,907 --> 00:02:00,820 UHELLO, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 25 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:04,624 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE! PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND 26 00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:07,494 GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 27 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,631 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT AND TONIGHT -- 28 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:16,636 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- TONIGHT IS THE 29 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,239 1,200TH EPISODE OF THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 30 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:23,643 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: 1,200th EPISODE! 31 00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:27,714 >> Stephen: THAT BREAKS OUR PREVIOUS RECORD SET ON FRIDAY. 32 00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,716 CAN WE DO AGAIN TOMORROW? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT. 33 00:02:29,782 --> 00:02:31,117 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF BREAKING RECORDS, 34 00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,051 THANKS TO OMICRON, THE SEVEN -DAY AVERAGE FOR NEWLY REPORTED CASES 35 00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:38,491 IN THE US TOPPED 700,000. 700,000! 36 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,627 THAT'S THE POPULATION OF DENVER. AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE 37 00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:43,763 WHEN YOU'RE HIGHER THAN THE PEOPLE OF DENVER. 38 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,165 ( LAUGHTER ) AT THE CURRENT PACE, THE VARIANT 39 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:49,335 IS SET TO TRIPLE THE PRE -OMICRON RECORD SET A YEAR AGO, AS YOU 40 00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:50,236 CAN SEE ON THIS OMICRON SPIKE CHART CHART. 41 00:02:50,303 --> 00:02:53,907 GAH! ( LAUGHTER ) 42 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:59,412 THAT'S ALSO MY EKG AFTER SOMEONE SHOWED ME THAT CHART. 43 00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:04,517 THAT MIGHT BE JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG 44 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,818 AS DR SCOTT GOTTLIEB EXPLAINED YESTERDAY ON "THE NATION-FACE." 45 00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:07,253 >> WE'RE PROBABLY ONLY DIAGNOSING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ONE 46 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,454 IN FIVE AND ONE IN TEN IN ACTUAL INFECTIONS AND THERE IS A LOT OF 47 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,956 PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITH MILD ILLNESS OR ASYMPTOMATIC 48 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,124 INFECTION WHO DON'T KNOW AND WHO ARE SPREADING IT. 49 00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,893 >> STEPHEN: WAY TO KEEP THINGS OPTIMISTIC, DOC. 50 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,663 HE ALSO DOES MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS: 51 00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,298 HANG IN THERE 'CUZ THINGS ARE ACTUALLY TEN 52 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:22,168 TIMES WORSE THAN YOU THINK. ( LAUGHTER ) 53 00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:25,638 SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY CASES OF OMICRON ARE 54 00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,308 OUT THERE. TAKE FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND MAN 55 00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:32,812 REALIZING THAT THE GAS STATION SUSHI WAS A BAD IDEA 56 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,648 RON DESANTIS. DESANTIS CONTINUES TO OPPOSE 57 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:38,217 WIDESPREAD TESTING AS HE EXPLAINED ON FRIDAY. 58 00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:41,821 >> THINK ABOUT IT. BEFORE COVID, DID ANYONE GO OUT 59 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:45,358 AND SEEK TESTING TO DETERMINE IF THEY WERE SICK? 60 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,827 IT'S USUALLY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SICK AND THEN YOU GET 61 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:52,231 TESTED TO DETERMINE WHAT YOU MAYBE HAVE COME DOWN WITH. 62 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,133 AND SO THIS IS KIND OF A NEW THING WHERE THEY'VE BEEN SAYING 63 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,202 JUST GO OUT AND TEST ALL THE TIME. 64 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,004 >> STEPHEN: YEAH, AND FOR THAT MATTER, DID WE EVER BUCKLE SEAT 65 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:02,175 BELTS BEFORE CARS WERE INVENTED? AND WHY DID THAT DOCTOR PUT A 66 00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:06,312 CAMERA UP MY BUTT? I'M NOT EVEN ON TIK TOK. 67 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:14,153 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 68 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:17,824 THIS OMICRON SURGE IS WREAKING HAVOC ON THE NATION'S SCHOOL 69 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:25,431 SYSTEMS. HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, CITYWIDE 70 00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:26,699 ATTENDANCE, WHICH AVERAGED CLOSE TO 90% FOR MUCH OF THE FALL, HAS 71 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:29,202 DROPPED TO 69%. TERRIBLE. 72 00:04:29,268 --> 00:04:34,173 THINK OF ALL THE KIDS WHO MISSED OUT ON GIGGLING AT THE NUMBER 73 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,842 69. ( LAUGHTER ) 74 00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:44,384 ( APPLAUSE ) NICE. 75 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,185 ( LAUGHTER ) SO MANY TEACHERS ARE TESTING 76 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:49,856 POSITIVE, THERE'S ALSO A SHORTAGE OF SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS. 77 00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:53,860 SO IN OHIO, TO BECOME A SUBSTITUTE 78 00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,061 A DEGREE IS NO LONGER REQUIRED. THAT'S SHOCKING, SUBSTITUTE 79 00:04:55,128 --> 00:05:02,001 TEACHERS HAD DEGREES? ( LAUGHTER ) 80 00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,670 I THOUGHT SUBS WERE JUST YOUR REGULAR TEACHER'S EX -BOYFRIEND. 81 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:05,838 (AS EX-BOYFRIEND TEACHER) OKAY KIDS, I'M TAKING OVER FOR 82 00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:10,176 UH, MISS JENNINGS TODAY. POP QUIZ, FIRST QUESTION: DOES 83 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:14,047 SHE EVER TALK ABOUT ME? ( LAUGHTER ) 84 00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:17,850 ONE SCHOOL OFFICIAL SUMMARIZED THE NEW OFFER, SAYING 85 00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:23,823 COME SUB FOR US, MAKE $125 A DAY AND GET TO BE WITH STUDENTS. 86 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,426 GET TO BE WITH STUDENTS IS NOT THE INCENTIVE THEY IMAGINE. 87 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,729 NOR IT IS AN ENTIRELY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE JOB. 88 00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:32,498 BUT IT'S STILL BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL AD: 89 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:34,600 YOU'RE HIRED CAN YOU PRESS 'PLAY' ON A VHS OF "BRAVEHEART?" 90 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:40,239 YOU'RE HIRED! THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MOST 91 00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:42,442 EXPERTS THINK THIS STEEP RISE IN OMICRON CASES WILL BE FOLLOWED 92 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:46,179 BY A STEEP DECLINE, RIGHT DR. FAUCI? 93 00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:49,482 >> I WOULD HOPE-- I CAN'T PREDICT ACCURATELY, BECAUSE NO 94 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:53,786 ONE CAN-- BUT I WOULD HOPE THAT BY THE TIME WE GET TO THE FOURTH 95 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,956 WEEK IN JANUARY... END OF THE THIRD WEEK, BEGINNING OF THE 96 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,092 FOURTH WEEK... THAT WE WILL START TO SEE THIS COMING DOWN. 97 00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:00,860 >> STEPHEN: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? 98 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,161 THAT'S LIKE YOUR HOROSCOPE READING: 99 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,997 CAPRICORN: YOU WILL MAKE A CONNECTION WITH A HANDSOME 100 00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:07,266 STRANGER. OR NOT. 101 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:11,838 MAYBE HE'LL GIVE YOU A DISEASE. NO ONE CAN PREDICT ACCURATELY. 102 00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:15,308 ( APPLAUSE ) SURE. 103 00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:20,913 HOW ARE YOU FEELING? BUT OMICRON COULD BE OVER BY 104 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,883 GROUNDHOG'S DAY, WHICH WOULD BE JUST IN TIME BECAUSE 105 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:29,722 SCIENTISTS IN CYPRUS HAVE FOUND 25 CASES OF A STRAIN OF THE 106 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:33,526 CORONAVIRUS THAT THEY SAY COMBINES ELEMENTS OF THE DELTA 107 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:38,397 AND OMICRON VARIANTS, THAT THEY'RE CALLING, DELTACRON. 108 00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:39,732 ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS ALSO THE NAME OF THE 109 00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,868 DISAPPOINTING TRANSFORMER THAT TURNS INTO A DELAYED FLIGHT TO 110 00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:47,306 ATLANTA. ( LAUGHTER ) 111 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:52,211 GOT THROUGH IT, MAN. BLACK ICE. 112 00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:55,414 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS NEW STRAIN HAS OMICRON -LIKE 113 00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:58,184 GENETIC SIGNATURES WITHIN THE DELTA GENOMES. 114 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:02,155 BECAUSE IT'S SO COMPLICATED, THE SCIENTISTS RELEASED A VIDEO 115 00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:06,225 EXPLAINING HOW THEY CAME BY THEIR DISCOVERY. 116 00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:11,864 >> MMM >> MMM MMM O-MI-CRON 117 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,633 >> HEY YOU GOT YOUR DELTA IN MY OMICRON 118 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,870 >> YOU GOT YOUR OMICRON IN MY DELTA 119 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:26,612 >> WHAT? INFECTIOUS! 120 00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:33,319 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YES, SURE! 121 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:36,989 I LOVE A WOMAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH AN OPEN JAR OF 122 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,725 PEANUT BUTTER. WHY DID HE NEVER QUESTION THAT 123 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:41,227 BEFORE? AND I LOVE THE OLD GUY THAT 124 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:46,165 COMES UP BEHIND THEM. JIMMY, PUT HIM UP 125 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:47,867 HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON YOU TWO? I GOT MY OWN STUFF HERE, I'M 126 00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:54,707 GONNA EAT. ( LAUGHTER ) 127 00:07:54,774 --> 00:08:01,848 NO, YOU KEEP STICKING YOUR BAR IN HIS JAR. 128 00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:10,156 I'M JUST GOING TO WATCH. ( APPLAUSE ) 129 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:17,864 NO ONE QUESTIONED THAT. NO ONE QUESTIONED THAT. 130 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:23,870 SPEAKING OF CREEPY OLD MEN: OHIO REPRESENTATIVE JIM JORDAN, 131 00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:25,972 SEEN HERE WARNING THE OTHER NEANDERTHALS: STAY IN CAVE, 132 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,640 TIGER KILL. JORDAN WAS DEEPLY INVOLVED IN 133 00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:31,477 THE EFFORTS TO THROW OUT THE 2020 ELECTION RESULTS. 134 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:33,346 BUT, YESTERDAY, HE ANNOUNCED THAT 135 00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:35,848 HE WAS REFUSING TO COOPERATE WITH THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE 136 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:44,323 INVESTIGATING THE CAPITOL RIOT. TURNS OUT, AFTER WRESTLING WITH 137 00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:45,825 THE DECISION, THE COMMITEE SHOWERING HIM WITH OPPORTUNITY 138 00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:50,162 TO SPEAK UP, JIM JORDAN HAS DECIDED HE SAW NOTHING. 139 00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:56,269 OHIO STATE. LOOK IT UP. 140 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:57,570 ( LAUGHTER ) IN A STATEMENT, JORDAN EXPLAINED 141 00:08:57,637 --> 00:08:59,572 THAT BEING ASKED TO HELP GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHAT HAPPENED ON 142 00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:02,174 JANUARY 6TH IS FAR OUTSIDE THE BOUNDS OF ANY LEGITIMATE 143 00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,977 INQUIRY, VIOLATES CORE CONSTITUTIONAL PRINCIPLES AND 144 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,514 WOULD SERVE TO FURTHER ERODE LEGISLATIVE NORMS. 145 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,583 YES, WE MUST NOT ERODE LEGISLATIVE NORMS, OR AS ONE 146 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:17,323 JANUARY 6 ANALYST PUT IT: >> YAAAAAAH! 147 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:21,427 >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, SENATOR BUFFALO NIPPLES. 148 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,795 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE ARE LEARNING SOME THINGS 149 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:26,165 ABOUT THE PLOT TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION. 150 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,869 TURNS OUT, IN DECEMBER OF 2020 THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES RECEIVED 151 00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:34,206 FAKE STATE DOCUMENTS DECLARING THE EX-PRESIDENT THE WINNER. 152 00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:38,411 YOU CAN'T PUT FAKE DOCUMENTS IN THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES. 153 00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:42,014 OUR NATIONAL REPOSITORY IS RESERVED ONLY FOR THE FOUNDING 154 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,818 FATHERS' SECRET TREASURE MAPS. BASICALLY, A GROUP OF MAGA 155 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,987 MORONS IN MICHIGAN AND ARIZONA FORGED CERTIFICATES TO TRICK THE 156 00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:52,491 NATIONAL ARCHIVES INTO DECLARING THEIR GUY THE WINNER. 157 00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:56,329 SO THEY WERE ATTEMPTING A COUP VIA FAKE I.D. 158 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:59,999 (AS BOUNCER) SAYS HERE YOUR NAME IS 159 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:10,309 'IDA REALPREZ,' LOOKS GOOD. GIVE HIM THE NUCLEAR CODES. 160 00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:12,111 LAV LAV NO SURPRISE, THE NATIONAL 161 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:13,546 ARCHIVES SAW RIGHT THROUGH THE FAKE DOCUMENTS. 162 00:10:13,612 --> 00:10:14,947 BUT THE MAGA FRAUDSTERS TRIED THEIR BEST. 163 00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:18,017 THE ARIZONA LETTER FEATURED A STATE SEAL IN AN ATTEMPT TO 164 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,553 APPEAR AS IF IT WAS AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT. 165 00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:23,789 AND IT TAKES A SKILLED FORGER TO REPLICATE THEIR STATE SEAL: 166 00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:26,292 AN OLD MAN FIGHTING A RATTLESNAKE 167 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:31,564 OVER AN ARIZONA ICED TEA. TURNS OUT, REPUBLICANS ARE GOING 168 00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:36,002 CRAZY FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA. CASE IN POINT 169 00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:40,172 INDIANA STATE SENATOR AND CHEM TEACHER WATCHING YOU EAT THAT 170 00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:44,243 APPLE FROM ACROSS THE QUAD, SCOTT BALDWIN. 171 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,312 IN DECEMBER, BALDWIN INTRODUCED A BILL THAT WOULD PROHIBIT 172 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:50,282 SCHOOLS FROM TEACHING A VARIETY OF CONCEPTS RELATED TO SEX, 173 00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:54,553 RACE, ETHNICITY, RELIGION, COLOR, AND NATIONAL ORIGIN. 174 00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:59,992 LEAVING SHOP CLASS AND SIX HOURS OF DODGEBALL. 175 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,461 ( LAUGHTER ) BALDWIN'S BILL HAS BEEN GETTING 176 00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:05,998 A LOT OF BLOW-BACK FOR NOT LETTING TEACHERS... UH, TEACH. 177 00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:09,602 SO THE STATE SENATE HAD A HEARING LAST WEEK WHERE A HIGH 178 00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:12,004 SCHOOL TEACHER EXPLAINED WHY EDUCATORS CAN'T ALWAYS BE 179 00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:14,240 NEUTRAL: >> IT'S SECOND SEMESTER OF U .S. 180 00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:17,676 HISTORY SO WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT THE RISE OF FASCISM, THE RISE OF 181 00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:21,213 NAZISM RIGHT NOW. AND I - I'M JUST NOT NEUTRAL ON 182 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,016 THE POLITICAL IDEOLOGY OF FASCISM. 183 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:28,187 WE'RE NOT NEUTRAL ON NAZISM. WE TAKE A STAND IN THE CLASSROOM 184 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:34,093 AGAINST IT AND IT MATTERS THAT WE DO. 185 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:38,330 >> I'M NOT DISCREDITING AS A PERSON MARXISM, NAZISM, FASCISM, 186 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:42,001 I'M NOT DISCREDITING ANY OF THOSE -ISMS OUT THERE, AND I 187 00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:44,603 HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THE EDUCATION SYSTEM PROVIDING 188 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:48,007 INSTRUCTION ON THE EXISTENCE OF THOSE -ISMS, I BELIEVE THAT 189 00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:53,379 WE'VE GONE TOO FAR WHEN WE TAKE A POSITION ON THOSE - ISMS. 190 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:58,217 AS IT RELATES TO, WE NEED TO BE IMPARTIAL. 191 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:06,025 >> STEPHEN: SO HE'S SAYING WE SHOULD RESERVE JUDGEMENT ABOUT 192 00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,560 -- ( BOOING ) 193 00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,362 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE. 194 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:13,065 HE'S SAYING HE SHOULD RESERVE JUDGMENT ABOUT 195 00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:13,899 THE NAZIS. AS THEY DO IN THIS CLASSIC 196 00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:17,303 SCENE: >> DON'T SHOOT! 197 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:20,272 LET'S HEAR THE NAZIS OUT! ( LAUGHTER ) 198 00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:23,209 I'M SURPRISED HANKS DID THAT PART. 199 00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,312 >> STEPHEN: TURNS OUT, NOT DISCREDITING NAZIS WAS NOT THE 200 00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:29,381 MOST POPULAR OPINION IN INDIANA, SO BALDWIN RELEASED THIS 201 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:33,752 STATEMENT: >> NAZISM, MARXISM AND FASCISM 202 00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,021 ARE A STAIN ON OUR WORLD HISTORY AND SHOULD BE REGARDED AS SUCH, 203 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:41,060 AND I FAILED TO ADEQUATELY ARTICULATE THAT IN MY COMMENTS. 204 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:42,361 >> STEPHEN: FAILED TO ADEQUATELY ARTICULATE IS A PRETTY GENEROUS 205 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:46,298 WAY OF DESCRIBING, "I SAID THE EXACT OPPOSITE." 206 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:49,502 KIND OF LIKE WHEN SIR MIX-A- LOT RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING 207 00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:54,039 "WHEN I SAID THAT I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE, I 208 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:59,178 FAILED TO ARTICULATE THAT I'M ACTUALLY MORE OF A BOOB GUY." 209 00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,480 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT 210 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:04,083 SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE GAYLE KING AND TIG NOTARO, 211 00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:08,954 BUT, WHEN WE COME BACK, YOU STILL CAN'T GET A PS5, BUT COWS 212 00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:10,556 HAVE V.R. GOGGLES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 213 00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:49,962 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 214 00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:52,331 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 215 00:13:52,398 --> 00:14:07,279 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON -- JON-JON, 216 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,548 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON -- JON-JON, 217 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:12,818 THE PIPER'S SON. JON, GOT A COUPLE OF LOVELY 218 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:16,755 LADIES ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMEDIENNE'S 219 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,958 TIG NOTARO IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. 220 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,961 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT JUST MOMENTS FROM NOW, 221 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:26,198 CELEBRATING TEN YEARS WITH CBS NEWS, OUR FRIEND GAYLE KING 222 00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,133 IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. 223 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:34,173 >> Jon: ALL IN THE FAMILY. >> Stephen: EVERYBODY LOVES 224 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,608 GAYLE. FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW, I'M A HUGE 225 00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:36,976 TECH-HEAD, AND I LOVE KEEPING UP TO DATE ON THE LATEST TECH, WITH 226 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,078 MY HEAD. AND THEN TELLING YOU ABOUT IT IN 227 00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:54,026 MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT: 228 00:14:54,093 --> 00:15:00,566 MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT: 229 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,134 >> STEPHEN: FIRST UP: THE ANNUAL C.E.S. 2022 CONSUMER ELECTRONICS 230 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:03,369 SHOW JUST WRAPPED UP THIS WEEKEND, AND IT FEATURED AN 231 00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:10,309 ARRAY OF UPSETTING NEW THINGS, LIKE THE LATEST IN JAPANESE 232 00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,811 TOYS, A STUFFED ANIMAL ROBOT THAT WILL NIBBLE ON YOUR FINGER. 233 00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:17,349 SO, IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE ROBOT UPRISING, TAKE COMFORT IN 234 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,817 THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE'RE TEACHING THEM THAT WE'RE 235 00:15:18,884 --> 00:15:23,088 DELICIOUS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT ONE OF THE 236 00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:26,458 NIBBLERS WHOA. 237 00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:30,663 CAN WE EVEN SHOW THAT ON CBS? JIMMY BLUR THAT. 238 00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:34,900 BLUR IT! ( LAUGHTER ) 239 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,068 THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE ) 240 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:40,439 THAT'S SOMEHOW WORSE. LOOK AT THOSE EYES, WE KNOW WHY 241 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:45,844 IT'S HUNGRY -- HE'S CLEARLY STONED. 242 00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,547 THE AMAGAMI HAM-HAM KEEPS THINGS FRESH, TOO, BECAUSE IT HAS 243 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,785 AN ALGORITHM WITH TWO DOZEN NIBBLING PATTERNS, INCLUDING 244 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:58,390 TASTING MASSAGING 245 00:15:58,457 --> 00:15:59,591 AND SUCTION. THE NIBBLER ENGINEERS CAME UP 246 00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:02,861 WITH SUCTION BY ASKING THEMSELVES: HOW CAN WE MAKE SURE 247 00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:09,635 THAT PEOPLE SUE US FOR PENIS INJURIES? 248 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,003 ( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW. 249 00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:15,074 IT'S SAD. I HAVE THE EXACT SAME FEELING. 250 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,909 FOLKS, COWS. SPECIFICALLY, MILKING COWS ARE 251 00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:18,811 STEPPING INTO THE 21ST CENTURY. COWS STUCK INDOORS FOR WINTER 252 00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:23,082 ARE GETTING VIRTUAL REALITY GOGGLES TO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE 253 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:27,086 OUTSIDE. THAT IS BLEAK AND DISTURBING AND 254 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:31,423 CAN I HAVE A PAIR? I FORGOT WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO 255 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:37,796 BE OUTSIDE, AND I'M 'THIS' CLOSE TO WATCHING "EMILY IN PARIS." 256 00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:42,835 I HEAR GOOD THINGS. NO, I DON'T? 257 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:47,039 LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT. WOW, THAT IS UPSETTING. 258 00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:48,240 IT'S ALMOST LIKE THERE'S NO DIGNITY LEFT IN LIVING YOUR LIFE 259 00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:51,076 HOOKED UP TO A ROBOT BREAST PUMP? 260 00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:54,880 NOTE TO SELF: BUY ALMOND MILK. ( LAUGHTER ) 261 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:58,317 THE GOGGLES SHOW THE COWS SCENES OF A SUMMER FIELD. 262 00:16:58,384 --> 00:16:59,418 AND THE BAMBOOZLED BOVINES APPEAR TO BE HAPPIER AND 263 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,819 PRODUCING MORE MILK. SO A COW'S LIFE NOW SUCKS SO BAD 264 00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:06,825 THAT THE ONLY WAY TO GET THEM TO PRODUCE MILK, IS TO PUT THEM IN 265 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:12,631 THE THE MOOTRIX. ( LAUGHTER ) 266 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,333 ( APPLAUSE ) I'LL WAIT. 267 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:21,740 I'LL WAIT RIGHT OUT. AND JUST A FIELD? 268 00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:23,075 AT LEAST GIVE THEM THE FUN MATRIX WHERE THEY KNOW KUNG FU 269 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:30,816 AND GET TO DODGE BULLETS. ( LAUGHTER ) 270 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,352 NEXT UP IN THE C TO THE B -GASM SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON A 271 00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:36,822 TOILET THAT IDENTIFIES YOU BY YOUR BUTTHOLE. 272 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,625 ( LAUGHTER ) CAN I BE THERE WHEN YOU BREAK 273 00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:43,295 THIS TO THE TOILETS? GOOD NEWS, GUYS WE'VE GIVEN YOU 274 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:47,399 SENSORS AND INTELLIGENCE SO YOU CAN OBSERVE AND EXPERIENCE THE 275 00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:54,840 WORLD AROUND YOU. ( LAUGHTER ) 276 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,110 NOW, THE BAD NEWS, THE TOILET IS MEANT TO MONITOR THE HEALTH OF 277 00:17:58,177 --> 00:18:00,813 YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS AND MATCH THE RESULTS TO YOU BY DEVELOPING 278 00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:05,317 A SCANNER THAT CAN RECOGNIZE THE USER'S UNIQUE 'ANAL PRINT.' 279 00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:12,825 WE CAN ONLY PRAY THIS TECHNOLOGY DOESN'T MAKE IT INTO THE NEXT 280 00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:17,129 iPhone. YES, I DO HAVE MY BOARDING PASS 281 00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:23,101 IT'LL TAKE ME A MINUTE TO UNLOCK MY PHONE. 282 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:27,105 ( APPLAUSE ) NEXT UP, EXCITING NEWS IN THE 283 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,209 WORLD OF MEAT TECHNOLOGY ENGINEERS FIGURED OUT HOW TO 284 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:35,047 COOK 3D PRINTED CHICKEN WITH LASERS. 285 00:18:35,113 --> 00:18:39,051 WE'LL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE, CANCER. 286 00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:41,053 WE'RE JUST PHOTOCOPYING SOME MCNUGGETS. 287 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:42,721 IS THE PROCESS DISGUSTING? JUDGE FOR YOURS-- 288 00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:43,722 OF COURSE IT IS. >> WE USED CHICKEN AS OUR MODEL 289 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:48,293 FOOD SYSTEM. WE PUREED THE RAW CHICKEN IN A 290 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,531 FOOD PROCESSOR AND EXTRUDED IT USING OUR 3D FOOD PRINTER. 291 00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:59,104 CURRENT COOKING TECHNIQUES DON'T PROVIDE HIGH SPATIAL RESOLUTION 292 00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:01,406 >> STEPHEN: MMM. I CAN'T WAIT TO BE TOLD I'M 293 00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,141 SORRY YOUR CHICKEN IS TAKING SO LONG. 294 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:07,846 THE CHEF RAN OUT OF TONER. ( LAUGHTER ) 295 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,716 LET'S SEE HOW THE LASER CHICKEN TURNED OUT. 296 00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:18,156 >> MULTIPLE WAVELENGTHS SHOULD BE COMBINED FOR BEST COOKING 297 00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:19,224 RESULTS. IN THE END, LASER COOKED SAMPLES 298 00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:20,692 WERE EDIBLE AND ACHIEVED FOOD SAFE TEMPERATURES FOR 299 00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:25,964 CONSUMPTION. YOU CAN'T SAY, "EDIBLE AND 300 00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:29,434 FOOD-SAFE TEMPERATURES." THAT'S ALREADY THE SLOGAN FOR 301 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,270 ARBY'S. ( LAUGHTER ) 302 00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,972 ( APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GAYLE 303 00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:34,806 KING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 304 00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:56,562 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 305 00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:58,931 BEAUTIFUL. WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," 306 00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:03,001 ALREADY IN PROGRESS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 307 00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:04,570 MY FIRST GUEST IS A CO-HOST OF "CBS MORNINGS," EDITOR -AT-LARGE 308 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:07,839 FOR "OPRAH DAILY," AND THE HOST OF THE SIRIUSXM SHOW, "GAYLE 309 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:11,944 KING IN THE HOUSE." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 310 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,812 SHOW," GAYLE KING! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 311 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:28,760 ( BAND PLAYING ) 312 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:35,467 ( BAND PLAYING ) 313 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:38,737 >> Stephen: MADAME, WON'T YOU PLEASE HAVE A SEAT? 314 00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:40,939 >> I WORE MY PARTY SHOES FOR YOU! 315 00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,342 >> Stephen: I LOVE THOSE SHOES! 316 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,278 >> I WORE THEM FOR YOU. HI JON, HI CHRIS! 317 00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,880 >> Stephen: POM-POM, THAT'S NICE. 318 00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:53,952 KIDDO, WE WERE BACKSTAGE, AND YOU HUGGED ME WHEN WE GOT 319 00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:58,256 BACKSTAGE, WE HUGGED JUST NOW. OBVIOUSLY, EVERYONE'S GOTTEN A 320 00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:04,162 NICE HUG FROM GAYLE OVER HERE. ARE YOU NERVOUS FOR THAT? 321 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:08,166 I WANT TO BE GOOD BUT I'M A LITTLE EXHAUSTED. 322 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:12,971 >> I SAID, I'M ALL VACCINATED AND BOOSTED, HE SAID, IT DOESN'T 323 00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:15,040 MATTER. >> Stephen: WHAT IF YOU TEST 324 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,174 POSITIVE? I HAVE TO STOP THE SHOW. 325 00:21:16,241 --> 00:21:18,977 >> THERE ARE SO MANY BREAKTHROUGHS SO I'M SO WORRIED 326 00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:22,914 ABOUT THAT, BUT I'M SO TIRED OF BEING TIRED AND AFRAID OF THIS. 327 00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:25,350 I AM. I THINK WE'VE ALL GOT TO FIGURE 328 00:21:25,417 --> 00:21:28,920 OUT HOW WE CAN LIVE OUR LIVES AND NAVIGATE IT. 329 00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:33,625 THAT'S WHERE I AM. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK HOME. 330 00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:35,927 ( APPLAUSE ) AT CBS, WE GET TESTED ON A 331 00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:39,831 REGULAR BASIS, THANK YOU, CBS FOR HAVING TESTING FACILITIES SO 332 00:21:39,898 --> 00:21:42,934 WE CAN GET TESTED ON A REGULAR BASIS. 333 00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:47,072 BUT THEY SAID, WE HAVE TO HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN TO GO BACK INTO 334 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:50,909 OUR HOMES. I SAID I WOULD RATHER RUN DOWN 335 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,745 TIMES SQUARE BUCK NAKED THAN GO BACK HOME. 336 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:58,150 BUCK NAKED, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD RATHER DO, THAN GO BACK HOME. 337 00:21:58,216 --> 00:22:02,154 >> Stephen: I'M TELLING YOU, GAYLE, SUPER BOWL RATINGS. 338 00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:05,691 >> SUPER BOWL RATINGS, AND PEOPLE GOING, I'M GOING BLIND! 339 00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:08,060 TELL HER TO PUT ON CLOTHES! ( LAUGHTER ) 340 00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:14,066 >> Stephen: SINCE THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE, YOU HAVE BECOME A 341 00:22:14,132 --> 00:22:15,967 GRANDMA. >> OH, LUCA! 342 00:22:16,034 --> 00:22:19,905 >> Stephen: AS IF I HAVE TO ASK, HOW IS GRANDMA LIFE 343 00:22:19,971 --> 00:22:22,374 TREATING YOU? >> OH, MY GOSH! 344 00:22:22,441 --> 00:22:26,578 LISTEN, I KNOW EVERYBODY THAT HAS THE GRANDCHILD, I'M NOT THE 345 00:22:26,645 --> 00:22:30,615 FIRST, THINKS THEIR GRANDCHILD IS CUTE, BE UH THIS KID IS SO 346 00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:32,184 LITTLE CUTE. I HAVE A LITTLE SONG. 347 00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:44,162 MAY I SING IT. >> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU MAY. 348 00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:47,899 ♪ YOU-CA-LUKE-LALY, WHAT A PRETTY BABY ♪ 349 00:22:47,966 --> 00:22:51,103 THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: 350 00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:55,907 ( APPLAUSE ) >> THEN I RUB HIS LITTLE TUMMY. 351 00:22:55,974 --> 00:22:58,143 LESLEY STAHL DID A BOOK ABOUT GRANDPARENTS. 352 00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,578 I SAID, THIS IS VERY INTERESTING. 353 00:22:59,644 --> 00:23:03,882 THEN I HAD MY OWN AND I WENT BACK AND I SAID, THIS BOOK IS SO 354 00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:05,517 GOOD! >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 355 00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:08,420 SQUIRTS IN THE BRAIN OF A GRANDPARENT. 356 00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:10,355 IS IT DIFFERENT THAN YOUR OWN CHILD? 357 00:23:10,422 --> 00:23:12,924 >> YES, IT IS. >> Stephen: BETTER? 358 00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:15,560 NO, BECAUSE I LOVE BEING A MOTHER, TOO. 359 00:23:15,627 --> 00:23:18,830 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE CIRCLE OF LIFE THAT YOU MADE 360 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:23,101 THIS POSSIBLE, AND THEN TO SEE YOUR OWN CHILD BECOME A PARENT 361 00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:27,539 AND YOU THINK THAT THEY'RE A PRETTY GOOD PARENT, THERE'S 362 00:23:27,606 --> 00:23:30,308 SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT, BUT 363 00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:33,478 PEOPLE STOP ME ON THE STREET SAY, WHAT'S IT LIKE, HOW DO YOU 364 00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:37,682 FEEL, I'M A GRANT, TOO -- YOU'RE NOT A GRANT YET, RIGHT? 365 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,620 >> Stephen: NOT THAT I KNOW OF. 366 00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:42,954 ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A CLIP HERE. 367 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:45,157 CAN YOU SET UP WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? 368 00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:47,926 >> FIRST, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. 369 00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:52,297 SO FAVORITE DAUGHTER KIRBY, I HAVE A FAVORITE SON-IN-LAW 370 00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:57,469 VIRGIL, AND FAVORITE SON. SO WE ALL SPENT CHRISTMAS AT 371 00:23:57,536 --> 00:23:59,871 OPRAHS, I WASN'T THERE. SHE WAS MEETING LUCA FOR THE 372 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,941 FIRST TIME. I CALLED HER UP AND SAID WHAT 373 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:06,812 ARE YOU GUYS DOING? SHE SAID YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT 374 00:24:06,878 --> 00:24:11,383 WE'RE DOING. OPRAH HAS A PHOBIA OF BALLOONS 375 00:24:11,449 --> 00:24:16,655 AND SHE WAS ACTUALLY BLOWING UP BALLOONS AND PREPARING WHAT SHE 376 00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:18,790 CALLED LUCA'S WELCOME TO HER HOME. 377 00:24:18,857 --> 00:24:20,325 >> Stephen: THIS IS THE WELCOME. 378 00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:33,805 HERE YOU GO. ( SINGING ) 379 00:24:33,872 --> 00:24:42,848 >> WELCOME BABY LUCA! WE HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE YOU! 380 00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:47,519 YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE ME! ( SMOOCHING ) 381 00:24:47,586 --> 00:24:51,990 >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S REALLY LOVELY. 382 00:24:52,057 --> 00:24:53,258 >> I THINK THAT'S LOVELY ( APPLAUSE ) 383 00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:59,397 >> Stephen: I GOT THE SAME GREETING WHEN I WENT TO OPRAH'S. 384 00:24:59,464 --> 00:25:03,568 >> DID YOU? >> Stephen: MM-HMM. 385 00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:08,273 OPRAH HAS A SCHOOL IN SOUTH AFRICA AND SOME OF HER STUDENTS 386 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:11,943 ARE WOMEN AND THEY DID THE WHOLE LION KING. 387 00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:16,748 I WAS HERE AT "CBS MORNINGS" -- HOPEFULLY IT'S YOUR FAVORITE 388 00:25:16,815 --> 00:25:20,151 MORNING SHOW. >> Stephen: OF COURSE, IT IS 389 00:25:20,218 --> 00:25:22,721 ( APPLAUSE ) >> SHAMELESS APPLAUSE. 390 00:25:22,787 --> 00:25:26,825 WHEN THEY SENT ME THE TAPE, STEVE AND I LOOKED AT IT TEN 391 00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:28,460 TIMES. I GOT CHOKED UP. 392 00:25:28,526 --> 00:25:32,530 I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER THE TOP BUT IT WAS REAL SWEET. 393 00:25:32,597 --> 00:25:35,934 >> Stephen: YESTERDAY, YOU HIT THE MILESTONE, YOUR TENTH 394 00:25:36,001 --> 00:25:38,970 ANNIVERSARY WORKING OVER AT CBS NEWS. 395 00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,006 >> I KNOW. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU 396 00:25:41,072 --> 00:25:43,875 REMEMBER ABOUT WHEN YOU STARTED AT CBS OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT 397 00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:51,950 THAT GUY OVER THERE MY SHOW RUNNER CHRIS LECT WAS YOUR SHOW 398 00:25:52,017 --> 00:25:55,587 RUNNER AND HE BROUGHT YOU ON. >> I THINK CHRIS HAS EXCELLENT 399 00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:58,223 TASTE AND TALENT, DON'T YOU? >> Stephen: HE DOES. 400 00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:05,463 ALL KIDDING ASSAYED -- ASIDE, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WASSENT 401 00:26:05,530 --> 00:26:07,432 FOR CHRIS. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CONVERSATION 402 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:10,535 THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HAD WHEN CHRIS SAID YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD 403 00:26:10,602 --> 00:26:16,241 HAVE BEEN GOOD, GAYLE KING AND CHARLIE ROSE. 404 00:26:16,308 --> 00:26:19,945 I CAN IMAGINE THE LOOK ON THE WALL WAS LIKE CRICKETS BUT HE 405 00:26:20,011 --> 00:26:22,747 SAW SOMETHING AND WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TEAM FOR A VERY LONG 406 00:26:22,814 --> 00:26:24,449 TIME. SO I REMEMBER THAT FIRST DAY 407 00:26:24,516 --> 00:26:27,719 BEING VERY NERVOUS NOT THAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT COULD I DO THE 408 00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,956 JOB, BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT, BUT I JUST WANTED IT TO 409 00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:34,726 BE GREAT, STEPHEN. YOU KNOW THAT FEELING WHEN YOU 410 00:26:34,793 --> 00:26:39,931 WANT SOMETHING SO BADLY AND YOU WANT TO BE GOOD AT IT? 411 00:26:39,998 --> 00:26:42,133 THAT'S WHAT I WANTED. >> Stephen: WELL, HERE YOU ARE 412 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,601 ON DAY ONE. >> YES. 413 00:26:43,668 --> 00:26:46,171 >> Stephen: AND THIS WEEK. YES. 414 00:26:46,237 --> 00:26:50,041 >> Stephen: THERE YOU ARE. YES. 415 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:54,245 ( APPLAUSE ) YES. 416 00:26:54,312 --> 00:26:58,717 THAT WAS 2012. THAT WAS 2022. 417 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:02,020 SO YELLOW IS MY FAVORITE COLOR BECAUSE I BELIEVE YELLOW IS MY 418 00:27:02,087 --> 00:27:04,956 HAPPY PLACE. BUTTER AND SUNSHINE ARE YELLOW, 419 00:27:05,023 --> 00:27:07,258 TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD. 420 00:27:07,325 --> 00:27:12,197 I HAD ALEX CRAMER, THE DESIGNER, MADE THE DRESS FOR ME. 421 00:27:12,263 --> 00:27:14,499 YELLOW JUST MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. LOOK AT THAT. 422 00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:20,038 >> Stephen: HOW IS NATE BURLESON DOING THERE, YOUR NEW 423 00:27:20,105 --> 00:27:32,117 BUDDY? >> FANTASTIC, NATE, ME AND TONYY 424 00:27:32,183 --> 00:27:33,051 DOKOUPIL. ( APPLAUSE ) 425 00:27:33,118 --> 00:27:34,285 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 426 00:27:34,352 --> 00:27:36,187 WHEN WE COME BACK, GAYLE WILL TELL US ALL ABOUT HER VISION 427 00:27:36,254 --> 00:27:36,821 BOARDING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 428 00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:45,597 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 429 00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:50,769 WE'RE HERE WITH GAYLE KING. YOU HAVE ANOTHER GIG WHICH IS 430 00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:53,138 EDITOR-AT-LARGE OF "OPRAH DAILY." 431 00:27:53,204 --> 00:27:54,239 >> YES. >> Stephen: YOU'RE CO -HOSTING 432 00:27:54,305 --> 00:27:57,208 AN ONLINE EVENT TOMORROW. WHAT'S HAPPENING? 433 00:27:57,275 --> 00:28:00,111 >> ADAM AND GLASSMAN AND I ARE DOING THIS LIVE. 434 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:04,482 WE'RE DOING SOMETHING CALLED VISIONBOARDING. 435 00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:07,585 ANYBODY HERE DONE A VISION BOARD? 436 00:28:07,652 --> 00:28:10,088 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, VISION BOARDING IS BIG 437 00:28:10,155 --> 00:28:14,325 WHERE YOU PROJECT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU MANIFEST IT, PUT IT OUT 438 00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:17,128 THERE. WE'RE DOING A WORKSHOP LIVE. 439 00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:19,798 IT'S FOR AN "OPRAH DAILY" INSIDER. 440 00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:22,333 ARE YOU AN "OPRAH DAILY" INSIDER? 441 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,871 >> Stephen: OF COURSE. HOW COULD I NOT BE? 442 00:28:26,938 --> 00:28:28,973 ( WHISPERS -- ) WHAT IS THAT? 443 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,109 >> IT'S "OPRAH DAILY," $25 FOR THE YEAR, USED TO BE 50. 444 00:28:31,176 --> 00:28:34,946 >> Stephen: THAT'S A DEAL. THAT'S A REALLY GOOD DEAL 445 00:28:35,013 --> 00:28:40,085 BECAUSE YOU GET SPECIAL EXCLUSIVES LIKE OUR VISION 446 00:28:40,151 --> 00:28:43,488 BOARDING SESSION. OPRAH WILL TEACH A CLASS EVERY 447 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:48,159 MONTH THIS YEAR. >> Stephen: I'VE NEVER VISION 448 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:49,727 BOARDED. >> I HAVEN'T EITHER. 449 00:28:49,794 --> 00:28:51,896 >> Stephen: I'M UNCHEER WHAT HAPPENS. 450 00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:56,134 IS IT JUST A COLLAGE OF PHOTOS, TAPE IT ON A BOARD AND SAY, I 451 00:28:56,201 --> 00:29:00,872 WANT THAT IN MY LIFE! >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE IT 452 00:29:00,939 --> 00:29:03,408 SOUND SO SILLY. >> Stephen: I DIDN'T. 453 00:29:03,475 --> 00:29:06,377 YES, YOU DID. >> Stephen: LET ME TRY 454 00:29:06,444 --> 00:29:09,447 AGAIN -- IS IT WHERE YOU TAKE IMAGES AND PLACE IT ON THE BOARD 455 00:29:09,514 --> 00:29:12,884 AND SAY I WANT TO BRING THAT INTO MY LIFE. 456 00:29:12,951 --> 00:29:16,821 IS THAT LESS SILLY? >> YES, THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE 457 00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:20,291 MAKING FUN OF ME. I'VE NEVER DONE IT EITHER, 458 00:29:20,358 --> 00:29:24,729 BECAUSE I THOUGHT -- BUT PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU PUT IT OUT THERE IN 459 00:29:24,796 --> 00:29:26,965 THE UNIVERSE -- >> Stephen: YES. 460 00:29:27,031 --> 00:29:30,301 -- AND YOU REALLY SAY THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN MY LIFE, I'M 461 00:29:30,368 --> 00:29:32,137 GOING TO TRY IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 462 00:29:32,203 --> 00:29:37,742 >> Stephen: I DO NOT DOUBT FOR A MOMENT IT HAS AN EFFECT. 463 00:29:37,809 --> 00:29:40,111 >> SOMEBODY SAYS IT WORKS. >> Stephen: I'M A CATHOLIC. 464 00:29:40,178 --> 00:29:43,982 THAT'S WHAT IMAGES OF SAINTS ARE FOR IS YOU CONCENTRATE ON THAT 465 00:29:44,048 --> 00:29:46,618 AND THAT MOVES YOU TOWARD THAT MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE. 466 00:29:46,684 --> 00:29:49,554 >> I'M GOING TO BE DOING MY FIRST ONE LIVE TOMORROW. 467 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:55,326 >> Stephen: WHAT'S ON THE GAYLE VISION BOARD. 468 00:29:55,393 --> 00:29:58,163 >> 2022, YOU KNOW, I'M VERY DISORGANIZED. 469 00:29:58,229 --> 00:30:01,900 I'D LIKE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BE BETTER ORGANIZED. 470 00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:07,939 WHEN COVID FIRST HIT, I DIDN'T LEAVE MY APARTMENT FOR 105 DAYS, 471 00:30:08,006 --> 00:30:10,108 THAT'S HOW FREAKED OUT I AM ABOUT IT. 472 00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:16,114 SO WHEN I SAY I DON'T WANT TO DO BACK TO THAT PLACE, I MOVED FROM 473 00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:18,816 THE SUBURBS, SO I WANT OUTDOOR SPACE. 474 00:30:18,883 --> 00:30:23,388 I LIKE DOGS, IF I COULD FIND A PLACE WITH OUTDOOR SPACE. 475 00:30:23,454 --> 00:30:27,358 IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE A PARTNER AT SOME POINT IN LIFE. 476 00:30:27,425 --> 00:30:30,528 SO I'M PUTTING THAT OUT THERE ABOUT THINGS I THINK ARE GOOD IN 477 00:30:30,595 --> 00:30:31,663 A MAN. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 478 00:30:31,729 --> 00:30:34,065 ARE GOOD IN A MAN? >> WELL, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO 479 00:30:34,132 --> 00:30:40,104 HAVE YOUR OWN TEETH. ( LAUGHTER ) 480 00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:45,243 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TEETH! 481 00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:48,279 I DO. I'M SORRY, BUT I DO. 482 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:52,283 >> Stephen: THE BAR IS LOW. NO, NO, NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, 483 00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:56,788 YOU WANT SOMEBODY WHO IS INTELLIGENT, WHO'S KIND, WHO'S 484 00:30:56,854 --> 00:30:58,356 FUNNY. SO I'M PUTTING OUT DIFFERENT 485 00:30:58,423 --> 00:31:00,325 TYPES OF MEN WHO HAVE THE QUALITIES THAT I LIKE. 486 00:31:00,391 --> 00:31:03,094 >> Stephen: GOT IT. MUST LOVE DOGS. 487 00:31:03,161 --> 00:31:08,299 >> I HAVE SOME DOOZIES -- I WANT A LITTLE BIT OF THAT, THAT, 488 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:13,638 THAT, THAT -- >> Stephen: YOU WILL TELL US 489 00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:19,911 TOMORROW THE MAN YOU WOULD COMBINE TO MAKE THE 490 00:31:19,978 --> 00:31:21,946 FRANKEN-GAYLE PARTNER? >> I'LL GO WITH THAT. 491 00:31:22,013 --> 00:31:26,651 I LIKE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, INTELLIGENCE. 492 00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:29,754 I'M BIG, I'M 5-10, SO I WOULD LIKE BIG. 493 00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:33,591 LIFE IS BETTER WHEN IT'S SHARED. I'M NOT SITTING HERE GOING OH, 494 00:31:33,658 --> 00:31:37,528 MY GOD IT'S NOT A PITY PARTY FOR ME, BECAUSE I HAVE A REALLY GOOD 495 00:31:37,595 --> 00:31:41,065 LIFE AND GOOD FRIENDS AND ALL THAT STUFF, BUT I BELIEVE LIFE 496 00:31:41,132 --> 00:31:43,067 IS BETTER WHEN SHARED. >> Stephen: I AGREE. 497 00:31:43,134 --> 00:31:44,836 WHAT DO WE WANT TO BE, NOT ALONE. 498 00:31:44,902 --> 00:31:46,871 >> YES, YES. >> Stephen: GAYLE, LOVELY TO 499 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:51,709 SEE YOU. >> I LOVE COMING HERE. 500 00:31:51,776 --> 00:31:53,044 >> Stephen: >> STEPHEN: "CBS MORNINGS" AIRS 501 00:31:53,111 --> 00:31:56,281 WEEKDAYS AT 7:00 A.M. ON CBS. GAYLE KING, EVERYBODY. 502 00:31:56,347 --> 00:31:58,449 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIG 503 00:31:58,516 --> 00:31:59,217 NOTARO. 504 00:32:14,499 --> 00:32:16,501 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! 505 00:32:16,567 --> 00:32:18,703 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND 506 00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:23,508 ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM HER STAND-UP SPECIALS, "STAR TREK: 507 00:32:23,574 --> 00:32:26,010 DISCOVERY," AND "ARMY OF THE DEAD." 508 00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:32,850 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, TIG NOTARO. 509 00:32:32,917 --> 00:32:47,799 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 510 00:32:47,865 --> 00:32:49,934 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 511 00:32:50,001 --> 00:32:51,869 >> Stephen: HEY, TIG. 512 00:32:51,936 --> 00:32:53,805 HI, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU 513 00:32:53,871 --> 00:32:55,173 AGAIN. >> GOOD TO SEE YOU. 514 00:32:55,239 --> 00:32:56,874 >> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? GOOD. 515 00:32:56,941 --> 00:33:01,145 >> Stephen: YOUR TWINS WERE ABOUT TO TURN FIVE WHEN YOU WERE 516 00:33:01,212 --> 00:33:02,280 HERE IN MAY. >> YES. 517 00:33:02,347 --> 00:33:04,349 >> Stephen: AND WE'VE HAD FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHRISTMAS WITH 518 00:33:04,415 --> 00:33:06,984 THEM WHICH IS A SWEET SPOT FOR CHRISTMAS. 519 00:33:07,051 --> 00:33:09,587 HOUSE OF CHRISTMAS WITH THE KIDS THIS YEAR? 520 00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:14,826 >> IT WAS REALLY GREAT. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TWINS, BUT 521 00:33:14,892 --> 00:33:20,698 THEY'RE VERY DIFFERENT. LIKE, MY SON MAX IS LIKE A 522 00:33:20,765 --> 00:33:28,272 60-YEAR-OLD MAN, BUT HE CAME IN AND TOLD MY WIFE STEPHANIE, HE 523 00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:35,279 WALKED IN THE ROOM AND HE WAS LIKE, OH... 524 00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:37,815 OH... AND SHE SAID, WHAT IS IT, MAX? 525 00:33:37,882 --> 00:33:43,521 AND HE SAID, I WANTED TO DO A BELLY FLOP ON THE COUCH, AND I 526 00:33:43,588 --> 00:33:49,227 KNOW I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO, HE SAID, BUT I'M AFRAID I'VE ENDED 527 00:33:49,293 --> 00:33:52,063 UP ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. ( LAUGHTER ) 528 00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:57,869 HE SAID, I DID IT, AND IT FELT SO GOOD! 529 00:33:57,935 --> 00:34:05,376 ( LAUGHTER ) AND HE SAID, UM, IF I SEND UP 530 00:34:05,443 --> 00:34:08,713 GETTING COAL, CAN I STILL PLAY WITH IT? 531 00:34:08,780 --> 00:34:10,815 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW! 532 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,917 MAKING THE BEST OF IT. >> YEAH. 533 00:34:12,984 --> 00:34:17,955 SO HE AND HIS BROTHER FINN WERE LIKE -- FINN WAS LIKE, YEAH, WE 534 00:34:18,022 --> 00:34:20,958 COULD PLAY HOPSCOTCH WITH IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 535 00:34:21,025 --> 00:34:23,828 OR THEY WERE JUST COMING UP WITH ALL DIFFERENT THINGS THAT THEY 536 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:27,365 COULD DO WITH COAL. >> Stephen: WOW, I LOVE THAT 537 00:34:27,432 --> 00:34:32,737 CTHAT -- CRISIS HE'S GOING THROUGH, HAVE I BEEN GOOD ENOUGH 538 00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:36,140 FOR THE REWARD. >> HE'S, YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING 539 00:34:36,207 --> 00:34:40,478 TO BE ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU USED THE 540 00:34:40,545 --> 00:34:43,414 COTTON CANDY MACHINE I GAVE YOU LAST YEAR? 541 00:34:43,481 --> 00:34:45,883 >> NOT YET. >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T USED 542 00:34:45,950 --> 00:34:47,618 IT AT ALL? >> NO. 543 00:34:47,685 --> 00:34:49,720 >> Stephen: WHY? BECAUSE IT'S AT OUR OFFICE. 544 00:34:49,787 --> 00:34:55,326 EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, YOU SAY, HAVE YOU USED THE COTTON CANDY 545 00:34:55,393 --> 00:34:58,262 MACHINE THAT I GAVE YOU -- >> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD ONE. 546 00:34:58,329 --> 00:35:08,139 IT'S NOT HASBRO, IT'S A GOOD ONE. 547 00:35:08,206 --> 00:35:11,676 YOU COULD BE A CARNEY! ( LAUGHTER ) 548 00:35:11,742 --> 00:35:16,647 >> ONE DAY, LIB A CARNEY. IT'S TOTALLY CARNIVAL STYLE 549 00:35:16,714 --> 00:35:19,484 COTTON CANDY. I THINK THIS IS THE YEAR WE'LL 550 00:35:19,550 --> 00:35:23,421 BE ABLE TO USE IT BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A SLOW -- A SLOW PROCESS 551 00:35:23,488 --> 00:35:27,658 GETTING TO THE COTTON CANDY. THERE'S BEEN A PANDEMIC, AND -- 552 00:35:27,725 --> 00:35:32,029 >> Stephen: WHAT BETTER TIME TO HAVE A COTTON CANDY MACHINE 553 00:35:32,096 --> 00:35:35,199 BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE CARNIVAL WHERE THE DISEASES 554 00:35:35,266 --> 00:35:39,103 ARE, YOU BRING THE CARNIVAL TO YOUR HOME, TIG. 555 00:35:39,170 --> 00:35:43,674 >> I UNDERSTAND, STEPHEN, BUT HOW PATHETIC TO SET UP A 556 00:35:43,741 --> 00:35:50,014 CARNIVAL SIZE COTTON CANDY MACHINE AND DO IT FOR MY TWO 557 00:35:50,081 --> 00:35:52,884 SONS. ( LAUGHTER ) 558 00:35:52,950 --> 00:35:57,555 AND THEN PACK THE WHOLE THING UP AGAIN. 559 00:35:57,622 --> 00:36:00,625 >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE. I APOLOGIZE. 560 00:36:00,691 --> 00:36:03,327 I'M NOT THINKING. I'M NOT THINKING. 561 00:36:03,394 --> 00:36:08,266 OKAY, YOU'RE GOING BACK OUT ON THE ROAD AGAIN WITH YOUR COMEDY 562 00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:09,333 TOUR "HELLO AGAIN." >> YES. 563 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:10,735 >> Stephen: THAT I REALLY ENJOY. 564 00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:12,470 >> YS. >> Stephen: KICKS OFF TOMORROW 565 00:36:12,537 --> 00:36:14,705 IN PITTSBURGH. HERE YOU ARE WITH AN AUDIENCE. 566 00:36:14,772 --> 00:36:19,977 HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AGAIN? 567 00:36:20,044 --> 00:36:23,648 >> UM -- IT FEELS GREAT. IT FEELS REALLY GOOD. 568 00:36:23,714 --> 00:36:26,884 I PERFORMED TRULY FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST TWO YEARS. 569 00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:30,821 SO I AM OFFERING REFUNDS. ( LAUGHTER ) 570 00:36:30,888 --> 00:36:33,658 IF IT DOESN'T GO WELL. >> Stephen: IF YOU'RE A LITTLE 571 00:36:33,724 --> 00:36:36,727 RUSTY. >> YEAH, IF I'M A LITTLE RUSTY. 572 00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:39,430 AND, YEAH, I'M VERY MUCH EXCITED. 573 00:36:39,497 --> 00:36:41,098 >> Stephen: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOURING? 574 00:36:41,165 --> 00:36:43,267 HOW MANY YEARS AGO DID YOU START? 575 00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:50,007 >> I STARTED 25 YEARS AGO. >> Stephen: WOW. 576 00:36:50,074 --> 00:36:51,375 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 577 00:36:51,442 --> 00:36:54,011 A QUARTER OF A CENTURY. >> Stephen: YOU'VE KICKED IT 578 00:36:54,078 --> 00:36:55,813 UP A NOTCH HERE. >> YEAH. 579 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:59,183 >> Stephen: THIS IS HOW YOU'RE GETTING AROUND ON YOUR TOUR THIS 580 00:36:59,250 --> 00:37:01,586 TIME. THERE YOU ARE, YOU POSTED THIS 581 00:37:01,652 --> 00:37:03,554 THE OTHER DAY, THIS IS YOU AND YOUR CHOPPER. 582 00:37:03,621 --> 00:37:05,523 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE FLYING THIS 583 00:37:05,590 --> 00:37:07,992 CHOPPER ON YOUR TOUR, RIGHT? >> THAT'S RIGHT. 584 00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:09,527 NOT REALLY. ( LAUGHTER ) 585 00:37:09,594 --> 00:37:14,198 I'M NOT AN ( BLEEP ), YOU KNO. >> Stephen: USING THE SALTY 586 00:37:14,265 --> 00:37:18,169 TALK ON CBS. >> I'M ALLOWED TO SAY ( BLEEP ? 587 00:37:18,235 --> 00:37:19,837 >> Stephen: NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, STEPHEN? 588 00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:26,978 SINCE I TID SAY ( BLEEP ) ON - WHAT IS THIS? 589 00:37:27,044 --> 00:37:28,813 CBS. >> ON CBS. 590 00:37:28,879 --> 00:37:31,248 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? 591 00:37:31,315 --> 00:37:33,884 WHAT IS THIS? ( APPLAUSE ) 592 00:37:33,951 --> 00:37:39,757 IT'S THE DUEMONT NETWORK. >> I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT FOR 593 00:37:39,824 --> 00:37:44,662 THE VIEWERS AT HOME THAT THE WORD ( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW I'M 594 00:37:44,729 --> 00:37:50,234 NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY, THEY BLEEP "HOLE." 595 00:37:50,301 --> 00:37:56,440 >> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE. O, AT HOME, WATCH, I'M SAY 596 00:37:56,507 --> 00:37:59,977 ASS ( BLEEP ). THEY LEAVE ASS 597 00:38:00,044 --> 00:38:03,881 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU SAY ASS ON ITS OWN, 598 00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,750 THEN IT'S FINE. THEY DON'T BLEEP YOU. 599 00:38:05,816 --> 00:38:14,025 AND IF YOU SAY HOLE, THEY DON'T BLEEP YOU. 600 00:38:14,091 --> 00:38:21,399 ( APPLAUSE ) BUT -- BUT -- IF YOU SAY ASS 601 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:24,335 ( BLEEP ) -- SEE? THEY JUST BLEEPED HOLE. 602 00:38:24,402 --> 00:38:29,373 BUT WHEN I SAID THEY BLEEPED HOLE, THEY DIDN'T BLEEP HOLE. 603 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:33,210 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IF I SAY I'M NOT AN ASS, 604 00:38:33,277 --> 00:38:38,783 NOBODY BLEEPED THAT, BUT IF I SAY ASS ( BLEEP ) THEY SAY, WE 605 00:38:38,849 --> 00:38:42,153 CAN'T HAVE HOLE FOLLOWING ASS. >> Stephen: WE CAN'T KNOW 606 00:38:42,219 --> 00:38:45,589 ABOUT THAT PART -- OF THE ASS. ( LAUGHTER ) 607 00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:48,526 THAT'S IMPLIED, BUT HOW DARE YOU. 608 00:38:48,592 --> 00:38:55,332 >> HOW DARE YOU MENTION THERE'S A HOLE, NO PROBLEM, BUT ASS 609 00:38:55,399 --> 00:38:58,969 ( BLEEP ) -- BLEEP! >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, THEY ARE 610 00:38:59,036 --> 00:39:02,239 TEACHING TOILETS TO RECOGNIZE PEOPLE BY THE PATTERN -- 611 00:39:02,306 --> 00:39:06,777 >> WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT? >> Stephen: I'M PICTURING, I 612 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,613 DID THE BOWL -- >> STEPHEN -- 613 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:12,249 >> Stephen: AND THIS IS THE VIEW. 614 00:39:12,316 --> 00:39:15,853 >> STEPHEN, IF THAT'S THE VIEW, UM, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. 615 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:25,996 >> Stephen: NO, BUT -- BUT FOR A FRIEND -- 616 00:39:26,063 --> 00:39:33,871 ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, HER TOUR "HELLO AGAIN" 617 00:39:33,938 --> 00:39:35,172 STARTS TOMORROW. ( PIANO RIFF ) 618 00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,108 TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE ON TIGNOTARO.COM 619 00:39:37,174 --> 00:39:39,176 TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 620 00:39:57,528 --> 00:39:58,896 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LATE SHOW." 621 00:39:58,963 --> 00:40:02,233 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE BRADLEY COOPER. 622 00:40:02,299 --> 00:40:03,000 GOOD NIGHT.