>> ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ALASKA,
HAMSTERS ARE THE HEAVYWEIGHT OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WHEN IT COMES
TO HANDLING BOOZE. THE RESEARCHERS FED DWARF
HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AND RATED THEIR INEBRIATION LEVELS USING
THE WOBBLE SCALE, FINDING THAT THE RODENTS NEVER AVERAGED ABOVE
0.5 ON THE WOBBLING SCALE, EVEN WHEN IMBIBING THE HIGHEST ORAL
CONCENTRATION POSSIBLE. >> THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE
FROM MASGHAATETTD, MOTHERS AGAINST SCIENTISTS GIVING
HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AND THEN ENCOURAGING THEM TO DRIVE.
>> SURE, HAMPSTERS ARE CUTE, CUDDLY, AND HAVE AN EXTREMELY
HIGH TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SCIENTISTS
ATTEMPT TO FIND THE HAMPSTERS' THRESHOLD FOR BOOZE AND THEN
FORCE THOSE HAMPSTERS TO DRIVE? SUDDENLY, THEY GO FROM ADORABLE
TO THIS...
SO, PLEASE, DON'T LET SCIENTISTS GIVE HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AD THEN
ALLOW THEM TO DRIVE, BECAUSE THE NEXT CAGE THEY'LL SPEND TIME IN
IS JAIL.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: >> THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.
AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: RALPH MACCHIO
AND MUSICAL GUEST NELL AND THE FLAMING LIPS.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW DELIGHTFUL. HOW NICE.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED?
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES REPORTED OVER ONE MILLION
COVID CASES. ( AS GAME SHOW HOST )
NEW RECORD. TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'VE WON,
JOHNNY! >> A WEEK IN YOUR HOUSE, EATING
POP TARTS FOR DINNER ON YOUR BROYHILL DINETTE SET!
AND A GORGEOUS SET OF LEE PRESS-ON NAILS: YOU'RE GOING
CRAZY AT HOME-- PUT 'EM ON THE CAT!
>> MEOW! >> BACK TO YOU, STEVE!
>> Stephen: BEFORE YOU ALL FREAK OUT, THE NUMBER IS THAT
LARGE BECAUSE OF DELAYED REPORTING OVER THE HOLIDAY
WEEKEND. SEE?
IT'S NOT SO BAD. IT'S LIKE HEARING AN
EXTERMINATOR SAY, "DON'T WORRY. 1,000 RATS DIDN'T MOVE INTO YOUR
BREAKFAST NOOK. IT WAS ONE RAT-- WHO GAVE BIRTH
OVER THE WEEKEND TO 1,000 RATS. THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN
ADDRESSED THE OMICRON CRISIS, AND EARNESTLY PLEADED WITH
PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED. AND WHILE THE PRESIDENT WAS
OPTIMISTIC, HE DID SEEM HAZY ON SOME OF THE DETAILS.
>> WE HAVE THE MEDICINES COMING ALONG THAT CAN SAVE SO MANY
LIVES AND DRAMATICALLY REDUCE THE IMPACT THAT COVID HAS HAD ON
OUR COUNTRY. THERE IS A LOT OF REASON TO BE
HOPEFUL IN 2020. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THERE.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. HAPPENS WITH MY iPHONE ALL THE
TIME. DID SOMEBODY GET JOE WET?
JUST SLIP HIM INTO A BAG OF RICE UNTIL HE DRIES OUT.
HE'LL BE FINE. SURE HOPE THAT GAFFE DOESN'T
COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM WHEN HE RUNS FOR RE-ELECTION IN 1996.
( APPLAUSE ) OH, BOY!
THE RECENT SURGE HAS MADE A HUGE IMPACT ON SCHOOLS.
THIS WEEK, DISTRICTS IN NEWARK, ATLANTA, MILWAUKEE, AND
CLEVELAND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE MOVING BACK TO REMOTE LEARNING.
NO, NO! OH, GOD!
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN OUR KIDS COULD SAFELY GO TO
SCHOOL TO BUTT CHUG TIDE PODS. OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A BIG STRAIN
ON PARENTS, WHO IN SOME CASES ARE BEING GIVEN JUST HOURS OF
NOTICE ABOUT SCHOOL CLOSURES, LEAVING PARENTS SCRAMBLING TO
ADJUST CHILDCARE ARRANGEMENTS AND WORK SCHEDULES.
AS ONE PARENTING EXPERT SAID, "IT'S CHAOS."
PARENTS NEED EMERGENCY CHILDCARE HELP NOW.
I AM CALLING ON THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO RELEASE OUR
STRATEGIC RESERVE OF MOTHERS-IN-LAW.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO EMPTY THE
BATHROOM TRASH CAN." WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE FROM THE
OPPOSITE OF SCHOOLS-- FLORIDA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU CROSS THE BORDER, KNOWLEDGE LEAVES.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, IN TWO WEEKS, COVID
CASES THERE ROSE BY 948%. AT THIS POINT, THEY SHOULD START
COUNTING EVERYONE IN FLORIDA WHO DOESN'T HAVE COVID.
SO, CONGRATULATIONS, CARL. CARL IS AN ALLIGATOR.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL AWARE A MASK.
HE'S AN ALLIGATOR WITH A GATORS HAT ON.
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. BUT FLORIDA HAS A SUREFIRE WAY
TO BRING THEIR NUMBER OF CASES DOWN, THANKS TO FLORIDA SURGEON
GENERAL DR. JOSEPH LADAPO, SEEN HERE TELLING A FAMILY, "DON'T
WORRY. I'M SURE THE HOSPITAL'S AROUND
HERE SOMEWHERE." YESTERDAY, FACED WITH THESE
MOUNTING CASE NUMBERS, DR. LADAPO ANNOUNCED A CHANGE
IN FLORIDA'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS TESTING:
>> WE ARE GOING TO BE WORKING TO UNWIND THE SORT OF TESTING
PSYCHOLOGY THAT OUR FEDERAL LEADERSHIP HAS MANAGED TO
UNFORTUNATELY GET MOST OF THE COUNTRY IN OVER THE LAST TWO
YEARS. WE NEED TO UNWIND THIS TESTING,
SORT OF PLANNING AND LIVING ONE'S LIFE AROUND TESTING.
>> Stephen: APPARENTLY, "UNWINDING THE TESTING" MEANS
UNKNOWING THE KNOWLEDGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. YOU HAVE TO FLY THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) TEST IS A 2X4 TO THE NOGGIN'.
( CLUNK ) THIS NO-TESTING APPROACH ISN'T
SURPRISING. LADAPO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF
BEING WHAT THE "ORLANDO SENTINEL" CALLED, A "COVID
CRANK." COVID CRANK-- ALSO THE MOST
POPULAR DRUG IN FLORIDA, BECAUSE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) METH HAS COVID.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING AGAINST THE SCIENCE.
HE'S KNOWN FOR QUESTIONING VACCINES AND MASKS, AND HAS
BEEN "ASSOCIATED WITH A RIGHT-WING GROUP OF PHYSICIANS
WHO BELIEVE INFERTILITY AND MISCARRIAGES ARE THE RESULT OF
HAVING SEX WITH DEMONS AND WITCHES DURING DREAMS."
MAN, I GOTTA GET BETTER DREAMS. ( LAUGHTER )
DOCTOR-- OOOH! NEVER DONE THAT.
NEVER HAD THAT. >> I NEVER HAD THAT ONE.
DR. LADAPO ISN'T THE ONLY PERSON OUT THERE SAYING DUMB STUFF
ABOUT COVID. WE ALSO HEARD FROM REPUBLICAN
SENATOR AND WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER, THE RON JOHNSON FROM
WISCONSIN. JOHNSON WAS ON A RIGHT-WING
RADIO SHOW, WHERE HE TOLD FOLKS INTERESTED IN THE VACCINE TO GET
A SECOND OPINION FROM GOD. >> WHY HAVE WE ASSUMED THE
WORST? WHY HAVE WE ASSUMED THAT THE
BODY'S NATURAL IMMUNE SYSTEM ISN'T THE MARVEL THAT IT
REALLY IS? WHY DO WE THINK THAT WE CAN
CREATE SOMETHING BETTER THAN GOD IN TERMS OF-- IN TERMS OF
CMBATING DISEASE? >> Stephen: OKAY, YES, GOD
CREATED OUR IMMUNE SYSTEMS. BUT HE ALSO CREATED RON JOHNSONN
SO HE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SHANK IT.
SO-- SO-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOES THE LORD WANT YOU TO HAVE THE VACCINE?
I DON'T KNOW. BUT TAKE RON JOHNSON'S ADVICE,
AND YOU MIGHT HAVE THE CHANCE TO ASK GOD FACE-TO- FACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT NOW, BUT TRENDSPOTTERS ARE ALREADY FOLLOWING A NEW THING TO
WATCH OUT FOR, BECAUSE 2022 'S HOTTEST NEW ILLNESS IS THE COMBO
OF THE FLU AND COVID CALLED FLURONA.
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT, PEOPLE. WE'RE DESCRIBING OUR DISEASES
LIKE HOT FASHION TRENDS: "I WAS INTO OMICRON IN THE EARLY
DAYS, BUT NOW IT'S, LIKE, EVERYWHERE.
I'M TRYING THIS NEW THING WHERE I LAYER A TRADITIONAL FLU WITH
JUST A HINT OF HERPES. I CALL IT FLERPES."
( APPLAUSE ) YEAR, EVERYONE HAS FLERPES.
I ALREADY HAVE IT. I ALREADY HAVE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU GET FLURONA, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO QUARANTINE. AND RIGHT NOW, THERE'S PROBABLY
NO BETTER PLACE ON THE PLANET TO QUARANTINE THAN I -95 IN
VIRGINIA, WHERE CARS HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN A TRAFFIC JAM FOR
NEARLY 27 HOURS. HOLY NEVER GETTING TO TOLEDO.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE FROM A VIRGINIA G.P. S.?
>> TURN RIGHT IN TWO DAYS. YOU ARE ON THE FASTEST ROUTE TO
YOUR DESTINATION: HELL. ( LAUGHTER )
CREWS HAVE BROUGHT FOOD AND WATER TO STRANDED MOTORISTS, BUT
ONE DRIVER CALLED CNN AND SAID THERE WERE CERTAIN LOGISTICAL
ISSUES THAT THE CREWS COULDN'T HELP YOU WITH:
>> WE'RE HITTING THE POINT OF NO RETURN.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING OUT OF THEIR CARS, NOT IN MASS QUANTITIES,
BUT HIDING BEHIND THEIR CAR DOORS AND AND DOING THEIR
BUSINESS ON THE STREET HERE, BECAUSE THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S HER OWN FAULT.
SHE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE NEW FORD SUPER DOODY.
BUT DON'T-- DO YOU NOTICE HOW THE CNN CAMERA PERSON WAS
ZOOMING IN ON THE CAR WHILE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
"I'M GOING TO CATCH SOMEBODY POOPING BEHIND THEIR CARS.
THAT WILL SHOW THEM! ZOOM IN!"
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE SHE CALLED CNN, THEY'RE
SENDING ANDY COHEN OUT WITH A BARREL OF TEQUILA AROUND HIS
NECK. AND...
THE BAREILLES' EMPTY. FROM THE WORLD OF MONEY, MONEY,
MONEY, YESTERDAY, APPLE BECAME THE FIRST COMPANY TO HIT A
$3 TRILLION MARKET VALUE. HOW DID THEY DO IT?
DONGLES. THEY CHARGE YOU FOR DONGLES.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO BE ABLE TO CHARGE MY $900 PHONE
WHILE I LISTEN TO MUSIC? DRILL ANOTHER HOLE, TIM!
I'LL PAY YOU! HOW MUCH WILL IT COST ME TO GET
THE iPHONE PRO-MAX DOUBLE -HOLER? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON,s NOW! ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: APPLE'S MARKET VALUE IS NOW ROUGHLY EQUAL TO TE
GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCT OF BRITAIN OR INDIA AND IS WORTH
MORE THAN THE VALUE OF ALL OF THE WORLD'S CRYPTOCURRENCIES.
BUT NOT EVEN HALF AS ANNOYING. ( LAUGHTER )
IN 2018, APPLE WAS WORTH $1 TRILLION, THEN TWO TRILLION
IN 2020, AND THAT VALUE JUMPED TO THREE TRILLION JUST A YEAR
AND A HALF LATER. HOIPFULLY, WITH THAT KIND OF
CASH, THEY CAN FINALLY AFFORD TO FIX THAT BITE IN THEIR LOGO.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS RALPH MACCHIO. PLUS, JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! BUT WHEN WE RETURN, FOLKS, IT'S
AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, "MEANWHILE!"
IT'S JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. HEY, EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: I LIKE IT. >> Stephen: JON, JON MY FRIEND
AND MRS. AND MR. AMERICA OUT THERE.
I HOLD IN MY HAND THE DEFINITIVE QUESTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S GUEST,
MR. RALPH MACCHIO WILL BE OUT HERE.
DID YOU WATCH "THE KARATE KID"? >> Jon: OF COURSE, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING IS THAT I HEARD WE'RE HAVING
RALPH MACCHIO ON, AND I SAID THAT WILL BE INTERESTING.
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO RALPH MACCHIO BEFORE.
I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO HIM. GUESS WHAT?
WHAT'S IT CALLED? "COBRA KAI."
"COBRA KAI," FOURTH SEASON, IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX.
"COBRA KAI." >> Jon: THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: I HAD NO IDEA. VERY EXCITED TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT THAT. HEY, JON, PERSONAL QUESTION--
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
HAVE YOU HAD THE COVID? >> Jon: I HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT
YET. >> Stephen: ANYBODY IN THE
BAND? LEWIS, YOU HAD IT BRIEFLY?
WOW, HOW WAS IT? >> NO SYMPTOMS.
>> Stephen: NO SYMPTOMS? YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.
I TELL YOU, WE ARE-- WE'RE ON THE AIR TONIGHT.
WE'RE DOING THE SHOW TONIGHT HERE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS WHY I ASK IS THAT I ASSUME WE'RE ON THE AIR TONIGHT.
I-- I-- >> Jon: I SEE THE CAMERA HERE.
>> Stephen: I WOULD CHECK ONLINE BUT I DON'T GOOGLE MY OWN
NAME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WHY WOULD YOU? >> Stephen: IT'S A LONG STORY.
ANYWAY, HERE'S THE THING IS THAT MY DEAR FRIEND JIMMY KIMMEL IS
NOT ON TONIGHT. THEYPUSHED BACK A WEEK, THEY'RE
NOT DOING THIS WEEK. TREVOR, MY FRIEND TREVOR IS NOT
ON FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. SETH MYERS IS NOT ON TONIGHT,
BECAUSE MY DEAR FRIEND, SETH, HAS GOT THE-- HAS GOT THE 'RONA.
AND WE WISH HIM ONLY THE BEST. HE'S NOT ON THE AIR TONIGHT.
CONE AN, EVIDENTLY, MUST HAVE A TERRIBLE CASE OF IT BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. JIMMY FALLON CAUGHT IT OVER THE
BREAK. HE'S FINE.
HE'S BACK ON. I JUST WANT TO SAY-- I DON'T SAY
THIS-- JAMES IS ON AFTER US TONIGHT, RIGHT?
OKAY, SO HERE'S THE THING, IS THAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I
LOVE DOING THE SHOW. IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO DO THIS
SHOW, AND IF I DO GET IT, I PROMISE YOU, I WILL NOT BE DOING
MY SHOW. ( APPLAUSE )
THE SHOW. >> Jon: YEAH, WELL, HEY, YOU
-- >> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
BECAUSE I AM NEVER GOING BACK INTO THAT STORAGE CLOSET WHERE
WE DID THE SHOW FOR 10 MONTHS. I CAN'T DO IT PACKAGE I GOT THE
P.T.S.D. FROM THAT LITTLE ROOM. IT WAS MARK, MY STAGE MANAGER,
AND CHRIS, AND ORGANIZATIONALLY EVIE,s AND I LOVE YOU ALL,
SOME MORE THAN OTHERS, AND I WON'T-- I WON'T DO IT.
I WILL-- I DON'T CARE-- I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ALL HEALTHY.
BUT IF YOU GUYS CAN'T SHOW UP, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE.
IF THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SHOW UP, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE.
IF THE CAMERAMEN QUIT, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE.
I'M NOT LEAVING THE ED SULLIVAN. I WILL DO THE SHOW WITH NO
MAKEUP IN A SWEAT SUIT ON A GOPRO, BUT I AM ( BLEEP ) NEVER
GOING INTO THAT ROOM AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR THE SPICY TALK!
LINE, LINE IN THE SAND! CORONA IS DEALING WITH ME NOW!
>> Jon: COME ON! TELL IT!
>> Stephen: I MIGHT GOOGLE MYSELF TONIGHT.
I MIGHT DO THAT, JUST TO CELEBRATE.
LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT. LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT,
OBVIOUSLY. Y'KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HANGING FOR YOU THE DAY'S
HOTTEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS DECORATIONS, BOOKING THE SEXIEST
BAND, CURATING THE MOST RELEVANT DRINKS MENU, DISTRIBUTING
PLAYFUL, YET TASTEFUL PARTY FAVORS, AND GLITTER HATS THAT
SAY "2022," AND THEN SETTING THE MOST AU-COURANT LIGHTING TO
THROW FOR YOU THE UPSCALE, "PITCH PERFECT" NEW YEAR'S EVE
PARTY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE RAFTERS AFTER LOSING A BET TO A CROW.
AND THEN I SPIKE THE PUNCH WITH CHLOROFORM AND MILITARY -GRADE
HELICOPTER LUBRICANTS, MAKE A BUNCH OF RESOLUTIONS TO QUIT
HUFFING WD-40, AND PUNCH A POLICE HORSE DURING THE FUGITIVE
NEW YEAR'S HO-DOWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS THE ENGINE OF AMERICA. THIS IS THE ENGINE OF OUR
DEMOCRACY. MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND
THAT, DUE TO THEIR EXTREMELY EFFICIENT LIVERS, "THE HEAVIEST
DRINKERS IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM" ARE HAMSTERS."
REALLY? PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ANDY COHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY--
( APPLAUSE ) SO MUCH BECAUSE "IN THE WILD,
HAMSTERS HOARD RYEGRASS SEEDS AND FRUIT IN THEIR BURROWS, AND
THEY EAT THIS FERMENTING STORE AS IT BECOMES MORE AND MORE
ALCOHOLIC OVER THE WINTER." WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IN THE WILD?"
I'M PRETTY SURE HAMSTERS WERE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY
FIRST-GRADE TEACHERS. AND BECAUSE THEY'VE EVOLVED FOR
IT, "HAMSTERS REGULARLY DOWN 18 GRAMS, THE ALCOHOLIC EQUIVALENT
OF A HUMAN DRINKING A LITER AND A HALF OF 190-PROOF EVERCLEAR."
WHICH, IF YOU DO, IRONICALLY, WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE A
HAMSTER, STUFFED IN A SHOEBOX AND BURIED BY THE SWING
SET. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WEEKEND OF THIS FEMALE ORANGUTAN NAMED "RAMBO" DRIVING
HER GOLF CART AROUND THE ZOO WHERE SHE LIVES, AND I DON'T
HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS. LET'S JUST ENJOY IT TOGETHER.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT TO MOVE TO FLORIDA.
MEANWHILE, IT'S A NEW YEAR, AND THAT MEANS A WHOLE NEW BATCH OF
COPYRIGHTS ON CREATIVE WORKS HAVE HIT THEIR 95-YEAR
EXPIRATION. AND THIS YEAR, A.A. MILNE'S
"WINNIE THE POOH" AND ERNEST HEMINGWAY'S "THE SUN ALSO RISES"
ARE AMONG THE WORKS FROM 1926 TO ENTER THE PUBLIC DOMAIN.
WHICH MEANS I AM FINALLY ABLE TO RELEASE THE MASHUP WE'VE ALL BE
WAITING FOR: "WINNIE THE HYPERMASCULINE HUNTER -DRUNK."
( LAUGHTER ) A READING: "THE HUNNY WAS SWEET
AND I WAS JUST DRUNK ENOUGH TO BE CARELESS.
I LOOKED AT LADY BRETT AND SAID "A HUG IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT
SIZE." WAS SHE SLEEPING WITH ROBERT?
I THOUGHT OF THE WAR AND WISHED I STILL HAD GENITALS.
THEN I PLACED AN AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS: "FOR SALE, BEAR
PANTS, NEVER WORN." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ELECTRONICS-MONGERS "RADIO SHACK ARE REBRANDING AS A
CRYPTOCURRENCY EXCHANGE PLATFORM."
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CUTTING EDGE 21st CENTURY DIGITAL
COMMERCE LIKE THE WORDS "RADIO" AND "SHACK."
MEANWHILE, IN GERMANY, "700 SHEEP AND GOATS WERE ARRANGED IN
THE SHAPE OF A NEEDLE TO ENCOURAGE VACCINATIONS."
A POWERFUL MESSAGE TO ANY ANTI-VAXXER WHO HAPPENED TO BE
IN A LOW-FLYING AIRPLANE OVER THAT FIELD THAT AFTERNOON.
BECAUSE NOTHING CONVINCES ANTI-VAXXERS TO FALL IN LINE
LIKE SAYING, "BUT LOOK! ALL THE SHEEP ARE DOING IT!"
WHEN WE RETURN, JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES THE COLBERT
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M HERE WITH THE WONDERFUL JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
JENNIFER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE WITH ME TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO INTERVIEW YOU A
FEW TIMES, AND WHILE YOUR WONDERFUL COMPANY, ONE OF THE
WITH HAVING ONE OF THESE SHOWS IS YOU DON'T REALLY GET TO KNOW
THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO BECAUSE YOU'RE OFTEN TALKING
ABOUT THEIR PROJECT-- >> GETTING THEM DRUNK.
>> Stephen: GETTING THEM DRUNK.
BUT I NEVER REALLY GET TO KNOW MY GUESTS.
SO WHAT WE DID HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"" UP IN OUR LABS, UP ON THE
14th FLOOR, MY SCIENTISTS CAME TOGETHER WITH 15 QUESTIONS
THAT WHEN ASKED REVEAL NOT ONLY TO ME AND THE AUDIENCE BUT TO
THE PERSON BEING ASKED THE QUESTIONS WHO THEY TRULY ARE.
AND I WAS WONDERING WHETHER I COULD GIVE YOU THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT. QUESTIONERT.
>> SURE. >> Stephen: THIS IS THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT. ♪ ♪ ♪
OKAY, READY? >> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION: JENNIFER LAWRENCE,s WHAT IS
THE BEST SANDWICH? >> A CUBANO.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE. NICE.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
OUT? >> UHM...
UHM... >> Stephen: TAKE YOUR TIME.
>> WOW. UHM...
WELL, ROTTEN ONIONS? ( LAUGHTER ).
LETTUCE? >> NO, ONIONS.
I'M PICTURING MY KITCHEN ISLAND, AND THEY COULD GO.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SURE. THAT'S NOT THE MOST DARING
CHOICE. I THINK IT'S SAFE.
I THINK THAT'S SAFE. I THINK IT'S A SAFE CHOICE TO
MAKE. >> I DON'T WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING ELSE AWAY. IF I HAD TO?
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE ARE PACK RATS.
THEY KEEP TOO MUCH STUFF. >> I LIKE EVERYTHING I HAVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> A MONGOOSE.
NOT A MONGOOSE. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A SNAKE?
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF MONGOOSES? >> HONEY BADGER.
>> Stephen: OH, THE HONEY BADGER, SURE.
THEY'RE TOUGH. >> WELL, A SHARK.
SORRY. >> Stephen: YOU'RE ALL OVER
THE PLACE HERE. A SHARK?
>> NO, I THINK A SHARK IS SCARIEST.
>> Stephen: SHARK IS SCARIEST. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHARK IN
THE WILD? HAVE YOU SEEN A SHARK IN THE
WATER? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO TELL? >> I WENT SHARK DIVING IN A
SHARK CAGE ONE TIME AND TRIED TO JUMP OUT BECAUSE THERE WERE
JELLYFISH IN THE SHARK CAGE. >> Stephen: SO IT WASN'T THE
SHARK. IT WAS THE JELLYFISH.
SO THE JELLYFISH WERE SCARER TAN THE SHARK.
>> THAT WAS LIKE AN IMMEDIATE OUCH!
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET STUNG? >> NO, AND I DIDN'T GET EATEN.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? >> ORANGES.
>> Stephen: MMM... >> APPLES.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
>> ORANGES CAN BE A LITTLE BIT MORE CONSISTENT THAN APPLES?
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE. FAVORITE SMELL?
>> UHM... FAVORITE SMELL?
GOD, NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT ONIONS.
ONGUNS AND GARLIC AND BUTTER. >> Stephen: GARLIC AND BUTTER.
>> ONIONS, GARLIC, AND BUTTER. >> Stephen: THAT IS GOOD.
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL? >> UHM... POOP?
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?
>> MILDEW. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT--
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. >> OH, GOD.
I HATE THE ANSWER, BUT TIKTOK. >> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
DO YOU DO THE TIKTOK? >> SOME TIKTOKERS IN HERE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE TIKTOKS?
>> NO, I DON'T MAKE TIKTOK S. >> Stephen: WHY NOT?
>> OH, MY GOD. YOU CAN IMAGINE?
OH, MY GOD. NO.
>> Stephen: NO. >> NO!
>> Stephen: WHY? PEOPLE WOULD WATCH.
>> I KNOW! ( LAUGHTER )
>> OH, I COULDN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN GOD'S BABIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN
TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> UHM... UHM...
I CAN'T ANSWER THAT. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT?
>> Stephen: WHAT? CAREFULLY.
( LAUGHTER ) GOD IS LISTENING.
>> LIKE A MIRANDA LAMBERT SONG, PROBABLY.
>> Stephen: THAT NARROWS IT DOWN.
>> LIKE "HOLDING ON TO YOU" MIRANDA LAMBERT.
>> Stephen: DOZEN. >> WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF.
>> 64. >> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> HOPEFULLY NOT TOO SHORT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
TOO SHORT! THAT'S SO POETIC!
>> Stephen: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY.
YOU ARE KNOWN. THANK YOU, JENNIFER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM "THE
KARATE KID," "THE OUTSIDERS," AND "COBRA KAI."
>> THAT'S IT. THAT LOOKS GOOD.
>> THE THING ISN'T EVEN LEVEL. >> OR MAYBE YOU HAVE A LITTLE
IMBALANCE INSIDE OF YOU. >> I STILL DON'T SEE ME USING
ANY OF THIS IN A REAL FIGHT. >> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU,
MIAGO DO IS NOT ABOUT FIGHTING. YOU KNOW WHAT MIATY SAID?
>> HIGH KICK BLOCK? >> BEST DEFENSE IS NO BE THERE.
>> YOU MEAN DON'T BE THERE? YOU CAN'T HELP HIM WITH HIS
ENGLISH. >> DON'T EVEN GO THERE WITH ME.
>> ARE WE DONE. OR DO I HAVE TO SIT IN HERE AND
FREEZE MY NUTS OFF TO FIND INNER PEACE?
>> NO, WE'RE DONE. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," RALPH MACCHIO! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT!
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
ONE OF MY FIRST GUESTS OF THE YEAR.
SO LOVELY TO MEET YOU. >> YOU AS WELL.
>> Stephen: AS I SAID TO YOU BACKSTAGE-- DO ME A FAVOR, AGE.
YOU LOOK LIKE RALPH MACCHIO, WHICH YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T.
ARE YOU 60? >> YES, I AM.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULDN'T STILL LOOK THIS GOOD.
>> WELL, LISTEN, IT'S A GREAT STUDIO LIGHTING.
AND I BLAME MY PARENTS A BIT. >> Stephen: DOES THE KARATE DO
THIS FOR YOU? >> YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE
MARTIAL ARTSZ AND FINDING YOUR CENTER.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS?
>> THE HOLIDAYS WERE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR, FOR
EVERYBODY. OFTEN, ON CHRISTMAS EVE, WE DO--
MY IN-LAWS DO THE SEVEN FISH S. >> Stephen: ITALIAN
TRADITIONAL. >> RIGHT.
THIS YEAR-- THIS YEAR WAS TWO AND A HALF, TWO AND A HALF
FISHES. WE WERE 15, 16 PEOPLE THAT
BECAME... SEVEN PEOPLE. SO WE WERE THE SEVEN HUMANS, IF
YOU WILL. >> Stephen: OKAY, SO, HERE WE
GO. SEASON FOUR OF "COBRA KAI"
CURRENTLY NUMBER ONE ON NETFLIX IN THE UNITED STATES.
NEW SCORE. ( APPLAUSE )
SCORE ON "ROTTEN TOMATOES" IS 100%.
>> WE'RE TRYING TO CRACK THAT. WE'RE TRYING TO CRACK THAT.
>> Stephen: RALPH MACCHIO, DID YOU, "A," THINK FOUR SEASONS OF
"COBRA KAI," NUMBER-ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX, WAS THIS PART OF THE
PLAN? >> COMPLETELY.
FROM 1984, I JUST PLANNED IT THIS WAY.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PLAYING THE LONG GAME.
>> I WAS PLAYING THE LONG GAME. IT'S ABOUT LONGEVITY, ISN'T IT?
>> NO, LISTEN, IT'S BEEN ABOVE AND BEYOND IN EVERYTHING, AND
JUST, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FELT THAT IF WE BROUGHT PEOPLE TO THE
WELL, THEY WOULD DRINK THE WATER, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THIS
MOVIE WAS SUCH A BIG PART OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S NEVER STOPPED BEING.
>> IT HAS NEVER STOPPED. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE,
CERTAINLY FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU AWARE OF THE WIDE RECEIVERS WHO PLAY FOR
ALABAMA WHO DO THE TRAIN KICK ON EVERY TOUCHDOWN?
>> YES, IT'S AMAZING. IT'S AMAZING.
LISTEN, IT'S A PIECE OF POP CULTURE.
AND-- BUT MORE SO, WE'VE CREATED A SHOW, AND THE GUYS WHO-- THE
CREATORS OF THE SHOW ARE JUST SO BRILLIANT-- THEY'RE THE SUPER
FANS OF THE "THE KARATE KID" FILM.
SO THEY WRITE TO WHAT THEY KNOW THE FANS WANT TO SEE, AND THEY
FOUND DIFFERENT AREAS AND DIFFERENT WAYS TO DIVE INTO THE
GRAY AREAS OF THESE CHARACTERS AND THEN PAY HOMAGE TO THE
ORIGINAL SOURCE MATERIAL, YET TELL RELEVANT STORIES GOING
FORWARD. AND NOW SO I HAVE KNOW-- WHERE
IT USED TO BE, "HEY, AREN'T YOU THE GUY WHO WAS IN THEICA" RATEY
KID?" THEY SAY, "DON'T YOU PLAY THE
DAD ON MY FAVORITE SHOW?" >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK RALPH ABOUT THE COOLEST PROP HE
GOT TO KEEP FROM "THE KARATE KID."
( APPLAUSE )
THE STAR OF "COBRA KAI."
RALPH MACCHIO. SO YOU GOT THIS AMAZING THING
FROM DOING THE ORIGINAL MOVIES THAT EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IS
FIRST MOVIE. >> YUP.
>> Stephen: THE "FIND THE BALANCE" CARD.
>> YUP. >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
AND THIS IS... ( APPLAUSE )
ALWAYS WONDERED? >> THAT'S A '47 FORD
CONVERTIBLE. IT'S A COUPE, AND IT WAS-- YOU
KNOW, IT'S THE WAX ON/WAX OFF CAR.
THAT'S THE CAR WE HAD IN THE MOVIE.
AND COLUMBIA PICTURES AT THE TIME, WHEN "KARATE KID PART 3"
CAME OUT, THAT DAY IT WAS AT MY HOUSE.
I ASKED FOR IT, HOPING THAT MAYBE.
AND SO THEY DELIVERED. AND IT IS IN THE "COBRA KAI"
SHOW. THE CAR IN THE SHOW IS THAT CAR.
>> Stephen: WOW. AND THEY HAVE TO RENT IT FROM
YOU, RIGHT? >> THEY DON'T PAY ME FOR IT.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T? THEY'VE GOT TO.
>> THEY GOT IT ALL FIXED UP FOR ME.
IT'S AWESOME. >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, I
HAVE TO TOUCH ON THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
THIS APRIL, YOU AND YOUR WIFE-- WHOSE NAME IS...
>> PHYLLIS. >> Stephen: YOU ARE
CELEBRATING YOUR 35th ANNIVERSARY TOGETHER.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SHE'S --
>> Stephen: HOW OLD-- HAD YOU DONE THESE MOVIES WHEN YOU GUYS
MET? >> NO, WE MET BEFORE.
I WAS 16-- 15 WHEN WE MET. YEAH, THIS IS THE MATCH MADE IN
HEAVEN. SHE'S AMAZING.
SHE'S A NURSE PRACTITIONER, DOING THE WORK-- THE TOUGH WORK
RIGHT NOW. ( APPLAUSE )
AND, YEAH, 35 YEARS. IT'S CRAZY.
I'M ONLY 32, LIKE I SAID. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SECRET? >> THE SECRET?
FOUNDATION, BELIEVING THAT WE ARE TOGETHER FOR, YOU KNOW,
THE-- THE REASONS YOU FIGHT FOR. THE REASONS YOU WORK THROUGH
EVERYTHING. IF YOU HAVE THAT SOLID
FOUNDATION, THAT BALANCE, THERE I AM.
I'M MIAGI-ISMING IT. HE'S EVERYWHERE.
BUT IF YOU HAVE THE FOUNDATION AND FIND THAT BALANCE IN LIFE
AND THE UPS AND DOWNS AND EBBS AND FLOWS OF IT ALL, IT IS ABOUT
STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS, AND BELIEVING IN THE LOVE THAT YOU
HAVE. IT'S SO EASY THESE DAYS,
EVERYONE IS LIKE, "NOT MY JOB. NOT MY THING.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'M OUT OF HERE."
IF YOU FEEL YOU FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON, THEN YOU WORK AT THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, BEFORE WE GO, LAST THING IS
THAT, OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "THE KARATE KID" AND
"COBRA KAI" HERE. BUT, ALSO, WE KNOW YOU FROM "THE
OUTSIDERS," "MY COUSIN VINNY," ALL YOU HUGE SUCCESSES OF THEIR
OWN. WHEN A FAN IS APPROACHING YOU,
WHEN A PERSON LOCKS WITH YOU, THAT PERSON KNOWS WHO YOU ARE,
HOW SOON DO YOU KNOW WHICH OF THOSE PROJECTS THEY'RE FANS OF?
IS THERE A SIGN? >> THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION. I THINK IT'S-- YOU KNOW, IT'S
INTERESTING. "THE OUTSIDERS" IS A BOOK THAT'S
STILL READ IN SCHOOLS AROUND THE COUNTRY TODAY, S.E. HINTON,
CLASSIC NOVEL. THAT FILM, I'LL SEE A 13- OR
14-YEAR-OLD TEENAGED GIRL, AND WHEN THEY COME UP, YOU KNOW IT'S
"STAY GOLD, PONY BOY" TIME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY JUST HAVE THAT SCPLOOK THEY LOVE THAT STORY AND THOSE
CHARACTERS AND THOSE GREAT ACTORS FROM THAT FILM.
AND I'M GET-- IF I'M IN THE RIGHT TIME IN BROOKLYN I'LL GET
THE "THE TWO YOUTS," OR "I SHOT THE CLERK" OR THE "MY COUSIN
VINNY" REFERENCES. >> Stephen: RALPH MACCHIO, IT
WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. >> GREAT TO BE HERE
>> Stephen: SEASON FOUR OF "COBRA KAI" IS STREAMING ON
NETFLIX NOW. RALPH MACCHIO, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY NELL AND THE
FLAMING LIPS. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: PERFORMING "RED RIGHT HAND" FROM THEIR NICK
CAVE COVERS ALBUM, "WHERE THE VIADUCT LOOMS," NELL AND THE
FLAMING LIPS! CHOPPER CHEAPER
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> ♪ TAKE A LITTLE WALK TO THE EDGE OF TOWN
♪ GO ACROSS THE TRACKS WHERE THE VIADUCT LOOMS
♪ LIKE A BIRD OF DOOM AS IT SHIFTS AND CRACKS
♪ WHERE SECRETS LIE IN THE BORDER FIRES
♪ IN THE HUMMING WIRES HEY MAN, YOU KNOW
♪ YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK PAST THE SQUARE, PAST THE BRIDGE
♪ PAST THE MILLS, PAST THE STACKS
♪ ON A GATHERING STORM COMES A TALL HANDSOME MAN
♪ IN A DUSTY BLACK COAT WITH HIS RED RIGHT HAND
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HE'LL WRAP YOU IN HIS ARMS TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE BEEN
♪ A GOOD BOY HE'LL REKINDLE ALL THE DREAMS
♪ IT TOOK YOU A LIFETIME TO DESTROY
♪ HE'LL REACH DEEP INTO THE HOLE HEAL YOUR SHRINKING SOUL
♪ BUT THERE WON'T BE A SINGLE THING
♪ THAT YOU CAN DO HE'S A GOD, HE'S A MAN
♪ HE'S A GHOST, HE'S A GURU THEY'RE WHISPERING HIS NAME
♪ THROUGH THIS DISAPPEARING LAND BUT HIDDEN IN HIS COAT
♪ IS A RED RIGHT HAND ♪ ♪ ♪
YOU DON'T HAVE NO MONEY?
♪ HE'LL GET YOU SOME, HE'LL GET YOU SOME
♪ YOU DON'T HAVE NO CAR? HE'LL GET YOU ONE,
♪ HE'LL GET YOU ONE YOU DON'T HAVE NO SELF -RESPECT
♪ YOU FEEL LIKE AN INSECT WELL DON'T YOU WORRY BUDDY
♪ 'CAUSE HERE HE COMES THROUGH THE GHETTOS
♪ AND THE BARRIO AND THE BOWERY AND THE SLUMS
♪ A SHADOW IS CAST WHEREVER HE STANDS
♪ STACKS OF GREEN PAPER IN HIS RED RIGHT HAND
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR NIGHTMARES
♪ YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR DREAMS HE'LL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE
♪ BUT HE AIN'T WHAT HE SEEMS YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR HEAD
♪ ON THE TV SCREEN AND HEY BUDDY, I'M WARNING
♪ YOU TO TURN IT OFF HE'S A GHOST, HE'S A GOD
♪ HE'S A MAN, HE'S A GURU YOU'RE ONE MICROSCOPIC COG
♪ IN HIS CATASTROPHIC PLAN DESIGNED AND DIRECTED
♪ BY HIS RED RIGHT HAND ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NELL AND THE FLAMING
LIPS, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.