1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,938 >> ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ALASKA, 2 00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:06,706 HAMSTERS ARE THE HEAVYWEIGHT OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WHEN IT COMES 3 00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:11,945 TO HANDLING BOOZE. THE RESEARCHERS FED DWARF 4 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,813 HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AND RATED THEIR INEBRIATION LEVELS USING 5 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:18,118 THE WOBBLE SCALE, FINDING THAT THE RODENTS NEVER AVERAGED ABOVE 6 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,688 0.5 ON THE WOBBLING SCALE, EVEN WHEN IMBIBING THE HIGHEST ORAL 7 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:26,559 CONCENTRATION POSSIBLE. >> THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE 8 00:00:26,626 --> 00:00:28,728 FROM MASGHAATETTD, MOTHERS AGAINST SCIENTISTS GIVING 9 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:32,098 HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AND THEN ENCOURAGING THEM TO DRIVE. 10 00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:36,803 >> SURE, HAMPSTERS ARE CUTE, CUDDLY, AND HAVE AN EXTREMELY 11 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,706 HIGH TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SCIENTISTS 12 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,108 ATTEMPT TO FIND THE HAMPSTERS' THRESHOLD FOR BOOZE AND THEN 13 00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:45,678 FORCE THOSE HAMPSTERS TO DRIVE? SUDDENLY, THEY GO FROM ADORABLE 14 00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:53,186 TO THIS... 15 00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,488 SO, PLEASE, DON'T LET SCIENTISTS GIVE HAMPSTERS ALCOHOL AD THEN 16 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,690 ALLOW THEM TO DRIVE, BECAUSE THE NEXT CAGE THEY'LL SPEND TIME IN 17 00:00:57,757 --> 00:01:03,496 IS JAIL. 18 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,765 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 19 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:12,071 TONIGHT: >> THE POWER OF POSITIVITY. 20 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:17,076 AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 21 00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:23,016 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: RALPH MACCHIO 22 00:01:23,082 --> 00:01:29,122 AND MUSICAL GUEST NELL AND THE FLAMING LIPS. 23 00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:32,025 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 24 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:35,662 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 25 00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:38,298 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 26 00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:53,246 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 27 00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:54,280 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 28 00:01:54,347 --> 00:02:09,062 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:11,231 HOW DELIGHTFUL. HOW NICE. 30 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:14,067 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 31 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:27,080 I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT 32 00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:32,085 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED? 33 00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:35,855 BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES REPORTED OVER ONE MILLION 34 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:39,859 COVID CASES. ( AS GAME SHOW HOST ) 35 00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:42,095 NEW RECORD. TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'VE WON, 36 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:44,163 JOHNNY! >> A WEEK IN YOUR HOUSE, EATING 37 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:49,969 POP TARTS FOR DINNER ON YOUR BROYHILL DINETTE SET! 38 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:53,606 AND A GORGEOUS SET OF LEE PRESS-ON NAILS: YOU'RE GOING 39 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,975 CRAZY AT HOME-- PUT 'EM ON THE CAT! 40 00:02:56,042 --> 00:03:01,781 >> MEOW! >> BACK TO YOU, STEVE! 41 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:07,820 >> Stephen: BEFORE YOU ALL FREAK OUT, THE NUMBER IS THAT 42 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,223 LARGE BECAUSE OF DELAYED REPORTING OVER THE HOLIDAY 43 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:14,227 WEEKEND. SEE? 44 00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,696 IT'S NOT SO BAD. IT'S LIKE HEARING AN 45 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,231 EXTERMINATOR SAY, "DON'T WORRY. 1,000 RATS DIDN'T MOVE INTO YOUR 46 00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:22,535 BREAKFAST NOOK. IT WAS ONE RAT-- WHO GAVE BIRTH 47 00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:24,137 OVER THE WEEKEND TO 1,000 RATS. THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN 48 00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:25,271 ADDRESSED THE OMICRON CRISIS, AND EARNESTLY PLEADED WITH 49 00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:28,841 PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED. AND WHILE THE PRESIDENT WAS 50 00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:31,110 OPTIMISTIC, HE DID SEEM HAZY ON SOME OF THE DETAILS. 51 00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:35,214 >> WE HAVE THE MEDICINES COMING ALONG THAT CAN SAVE SO MANY 52 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:36,783 LIVES AND DRAMATICALLY REDUCE THE IMPACT THAT COVID HAS HAD ON 53 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:40,954 OUR COUNTRY. THERE IS A LOT OF REASON TO BE 54 00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:51,531 HOPEFUL IN 2020. ( LAUGHTER ) 55 00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:59,472 ( APPLAUSE ) THERE. 56 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:03,176 NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. HAPPENS WITH MY iPHONE ALL THE 57 00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:06,379 TIME. DID SOMEBODY GET JOE WET? 58 00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:07,447 JUST SLIP HIM INTO A BAG OF RICE UNTIL HE DRIES OUT. 59 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,349 HE'LL BE FINE. SURE HOPE THAT GAFFE DOESN'T 60 00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:12,585 COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM WHEN HE RUNS FOR RE-ELECTION IN 1996. 61 00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,254 ( APPLAUSE ) OH, BOY! 62 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:18,625 THE RECENT SURGE HAS MADE A HUGE IMPACT ON SCHOOLS. 63 00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:20,660 THIS WEEK, DISTRICTS IN NEWARK, ATLANTA, MILWAUKEE, AND 64 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:25,231 CLEVELAND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE MOVING BACK TO REMOTE LEARNING. 65 00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:28,201 NO, NO! OH, GOD! 66 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:31,170 YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT. 67 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:39,178 ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN OUR KIDS COULD SAFELY GO TO 68 00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:44,217 SCHOOL TO BUTT CHUG TIDE PODS. OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A BIG STRAIN 69 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:45,852 ON PARENTS, WHO IN SOME CASES ARE BEING GIVEN JUST HOURS OF 70 00:04:45,918 --> 00:04:48,521 NOTICE ABOUT SCHOOL CLOSURES, LEAVING PARENTS SCRAMBLING TO 71 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:51,124 ADJUST CHILDCARE ARRANGEMENTS AND WORK SCHEDULES. 72 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:55,161 AS ONE PARENTING EXPERT SAID, "IT'S CHAOS." 73 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:58,931 PARENTS NEED EMERGENCY CHILDCARE HELP NOW. 74 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,033 I AM CALLING ON THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO RELEASE OUR 75 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:03,236 STRATEGIC RESERVE OF MOTHERS-IN-LAW. 76 00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:11,077 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO EMPTY THE 77 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:15,248 BATHROOM TRASH CAN." WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE FROM THE 78 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:23,089 OPPOSITE OF SCHOOLS-- FLORIDA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 79 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:27,226 YOU CROSS THE BORDER, KNOWLEDGE LEAVES. 80 00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:38,504 ( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, IN TWO WEEKS, COVID 81 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:39,706 CASES THERE ROSE BY 948%. AT THIS POINT, THEY SHOULD START 82 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,242 COUNTING EVERYONE IN FLORIDA WHO DOESN'T HAVE COVID. 83 00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:46,612 SO, CONGRATULATIONS, CARL. CARL IS AN ALLIGATOR. 84 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:51,250 HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL AWARE A MASK. 85 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:54,220 HE'S AN ALLIGATOR WITH A GATORS HAT ON. 86 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,558 JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. BUT FLORIDA HAS A SUREFIRE WAY 87 00:05:58,624 --> 00:06:01,127 TO BRING THEIR NUMBER OF CASES DOWN, THANKS TO FLORIDA SURGEON 88 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,296 GENERAL DR. JOSEPH LADAPO, SEEN HERE TELLING A FAMILY, "DON'T 89 00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:05,164 WORRY. I'M SURE THE HOSPITAL'S AROUND 90 00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:07,500 HERE SOMEWHERE." YESTERDAY, FACED WITH THESE 91 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:12,305 MOUNTING CASE NUMBERS, DR. LADAPO ANNOUNCED A CHANGE 92 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,308 IN FLORIDA'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS TESTING: 93 00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:19,312 >> WE ARE GOING TO BE WORKING TO UNWIND THE SORT OF TESTING 94 00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:24,884 PSYCHOLOGY THAT OUR FEDERAL LEADERSHIP HAS MANAGED TO 95 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:27,320 UNFORTUNATELY GET MOST OF THE COUNTRY IN OVER THE LAST TWO 96 00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:35,161 YEARS. WE NEED TO UNWIND THIS TESTING, 97 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:39,298 SORT OF PLANNING AND LIVING ONE'S LIFE AROUND TESTING. 98 00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:43,302 >> Stephen: APPARENTLY, "UNWINDING THE TESTING" MEANS 99 00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:47,907 UNKNOWING THE KNOWLEDGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 100 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:53,146 YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. YOU HAVE TO FLY THAT. 101 00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:57,717 ( LAUGHTER ) TEST IS A 2X4 TO THE NOGGIN'. 102 00:06:57,784 --> 00:07:03,589 ( CLUNK ) THIS NO-TESTING APPROACH ISN'T 103 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:07,393 SURPRISING. LADAPO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF 104 00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:10,930 BEING WHAT THE "ORLANDO SENTINEL" CALLED, A "COVID 105 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:15,368 CRANK." COVID CRANK-- ALSO THE MOST 106 00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:26,379 POPULAR DRUG IN FLORIDA, BECAUSE-- 107 00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:31,384 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) METH HAS COVID. 108 00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:35,655 ( LAUGHTER ) GOING AGAINST THE SCIENCE. 109 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:37,390 HE'S KNOWN FOR QUESTIONING VACCINES AND MASKS, AND HAS 110 00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:39,392 BEEN "ASSOCIATED WITH A RIGHT-WING GROUP OF PHYSICIANS 111 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,694 WHO BELIEVE INFERTILITY AND MISCARRIAGES ARE THE RESULT OF 112 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:49,535 HAVING SEX WITH DEMONS AND WITCHES DURING DREAMS." 113 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:53,706 MAN, I GOTTA GET BETTER DREAMS. ( LAUGHTER ) 114 00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:57,677 DOCTOR-- OOOH! NEVER DONE THAT. 115 00:07:57,743 --> 00:08:06,419 NEVER HAD THAT. >> I NEVER HAD THAT ONE. 116 00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:07,620 DR. LADAPO ISN'T THE ONLY PERSON OUT THERE SAYING DUMB STUFF 117 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,622 ABOUT COVID. WE ALSO HEARD FROM REPUBLICAN 118 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:13,593 SENATOR AND WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER, THE RON JOHNSON FROM 119 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,662 WISCONSIN. JOHNSON WAS ON A RIGHT-WING 120 00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:21,467 RADIO SHOW, WHERE HE TOLD FOLKS INTERESTED IN THE VACCINE TO GET 121 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,635 A SECOND OPINION FROM GOD. >> WHY HAVE WE ASSUMED THE 122 00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:25,504 WORST? WHY HAVE WE ASSUMED THAT THE 123 00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:29,742 BODY'S NATURAL IMMUNE SYSTEM ISN'T THE MARVEL THAT IT 124 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:33,746 REALLY IS? WHY DO WE THINK THAT WE CAN 125 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:37,583 CREATE SOMETHING BETTER THAN GOD IN TERMS OF-- IN TERMS OF 126 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:41,120 CMBATING DISEASE? >> Stephen: OKAY, YES, GOD 127 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:45,658 CREATED OUR IMMUNE SYSTEMS. BUT HE ALSO CREATED RON JOHNSONN 128 00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:49,362 SO HE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SHANK IT. 129 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,798 SO-- SO-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 130 00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:57,737 DOES THE LORD WANT YOU TO HAVE THE VACCINE? 131 00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:00,172 I DON'T KNOW. BUT TAKE RON JOHNSON'S ADVICE, 132 00:09:00,239 --> 00:09:03,542 AND YOU MIGHT HAVE THE CHANCE TO ASK GOD FACE-TO- FACE. 133 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:13,486 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) 134 00:09:13,552 --> 00:09:19,659 RIGHT NOW, BUT TRENDSPOTTERS ARE ALREADY FOLLOWING A NEW THING TO 135 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:24,563 WATCH OUT FOR, BECAUSE 2022 'S HOTTEST NEW ILLNESS IS THE COMBO 136 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,266 OF THE FLU AND COVID CALLED FLURONA. 137 00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:31,671 THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT, PEOPLE. WE'RE DESCRIBING OUR DISEASES 138 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:36,108 LIKE HOT FASHION TRENDS: "I WAS INTO OMICRON IN THE EARLY 139 00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:37,677 DAYS, BUT NOW IT'S, LIKE, EVERYWHERE. 140 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:42,415 I'M TRYING THIS NEW THING WHERE I LAYER A TRADITIONAL FLU WITH 141 00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:45,351 JUST A HINT OF HERPES. I CALL IT FLERPES." 142 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:50,690 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAR, EVERYONE HAS FLERPES. 143 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,826 I ALREADY HAVE IT. I ALREADY HAVE IT. 144 00:09:53,893 --> 00:10:01,667 ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU GET FLURONA, YOU'RE GOING 145 00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:07,673 TO HAVE TO QUARANTINE. AND RIGHT NOW, THERE'S PROBABLY 146 00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:10,142 NO BETTER PLACE ON THE PLANET TO QUARANTINE THAN I -95 IN 147 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,445 VIRGINIA, WHERE CARS HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN A TRAFFIC JAM FOR 148 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:16,816 NEARLY 27 HOURS. HOLY NEVER GETTING TO TOLEDO. 149 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:21,854 AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE FROM A VIRGINIA G.P. S.? 150 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:25,624 >> TURN RIGHT IN TWO DAYS. YOU ARE ON THE FASTEST ROUTE TO 151 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:28,861 YOUR DESTINATION: HELL. ( LAUGHTER ) 152 00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:31,664 CREWS HAVE BROUGHT FOOD AND WATER TO STRANDED MOTORISTS, BUT 153 00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:35,968 ONE DRIVER CALLED CNN AND SAID THERE WERE CERTAIN LOGISTICAL 154 00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:37,870 ISSUES THAT THE CREWS COULDN'T HELP YOU WITH: 155 00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:41,574 >> WE'RE HITTING THE POINT OF NO RETURN. 156 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,676 PEOPLE ARE GETTING OUT OF THEIR CARS, NOT IN MASS QUANTITIES, 157 00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:47,913 BUT HIDING BEHIND THEIR CAR DOORS AND AND DOING THEIR 158 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:53,019 BUSINESS ON THE STREET HERE, BECAUSE THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO. 159 00:10:53,085 --> 00:10:54,053 >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S HER OWN FAULT. 160 00:10:54,120 --> 00:11:01,560 SHE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE NEW FORD SUPER DOODY. 161 00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:04,930 BUT DON'T-- DO YOU NOTICE HOW THE CNN CAMERA PERSON WAS 162 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,634 ZOOMING IN ON THE CAR WHILE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT IT. 163 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:12,705 "I'M GOING TO CATCH SOMEBODY POOPING BEHIND THEIR CARS. 164 00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:17,376 THAT WILL SHOW THEM! ZOOM IN!" 165 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:23,749 ( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE SHE CALLED CNN, THEY'RE 166 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,718 SENDING ANDY COHEN OUT WITH A BARREL OF TEQUILA AROUND HIS 167 00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:29,021 NECK. AND... 168 00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:33,893 THE BAREILLES' EMPTY. FROM THE WORLD OF MONEY, MONEY, 169 00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:37,363 MONEY, YESTERDAY, APPLE BECAME THE FIRST COMPANY TO HIT A 170 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:41,867 $3 TRILLION MARKET VALUE. HOW DID THEY DO IT? 171 00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:47,406 DONGLES. THEY CHARGE YOU FOR DONGLES. 172 00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,809 IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO BE ABLE TO CHARGE MY $900 PHONE 173 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:55,714 WHILE I LISTEN TO MUSIC? DRILL ANOTHER HOLE, TIM! 174 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,883 I'LL PAY YOU! HOW MUCH WILL IT COST ME TO GET 175 00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:01,787 THE iPHONE PRO-MAX DOUBLE -HOLER? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 176 00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:11,530 >> Jon: COME ON,s NOW! ♪ ♪ ♪ 177 00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,799 >> Stephen: APPLE'S MARKET VALUE IS NOW ROUGHLY EQUAL TO TE 178 00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,368 GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCT OF BRITAIN OR INDIA AND IS WORTH 179 00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,672 MORE THAN THE VALUE OF ALL OF THE WORLD'S CRYPTOCURRENCIES. 180 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:23,976 BUT NOT EVEN HALF AS ANNOYING. ( LAUGHTER ) 181 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:30,282 IN 2018, APPLE WAS WORTH $1 TRILLION, THEN TWO TRILLION 182 00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:32,284 IN 2020, AND THAT VALUE JUMPED TO THREE TRILLION JUST A YEAR 183 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:38,457 AND A HALF LATER. HOIPFULLY, WITH THAT KIND OF 184 00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:47,333 CASH, THEY CAN FINALLY AFFORD TO FIX THAT BITE IN THEIR LOGO. 185 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,802 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 186 00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:53,939 MY GUEST IS RALPH MACCHIO. PLUS, JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES 187 00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:57,943 THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! BUT WHEN WE RETURN, FOLKS, IT'S 188 00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:00,012 AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, "MEANWHILE!" 189 00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:44,456 IT'S JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. ♪ ♪ ♪ 190 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:48,928 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, I LIKE THAT! 191 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:51,463 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. HEY, EVERYBODY. 192 00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:55,768 >> Jon: I LIKE IT. >> Stephen: JON, JON MY FRIEND 193 00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,469 AND MRS. AND MR. AMERICA OUT THERE. 194 00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:01,774 I HOLD IN MY HAND THE DEFINITIVE QUESTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S GUEST, 195 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,342 MR. RALPH MACCHIO WILL BE OUT HERE. 196 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:10,783 DID YOU WATCH "THE KARATE KID"? >> Jon: OF COURSE, EVERYBODY. 197 00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:13,919 >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING IS THAT I HEARD WE'RE HAVING 198 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:17,223 RALPH MACCHIO ON, AND I SAID THAT WILL BE INTERESTING. 199 00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,857 I HAVEN'T TALKED TO RALPH MACCHIO BEFORE. 200 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:21,160 I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO HIM. GUESS WHAT? 201 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:22,561 WHAT'S IT CALLED? "COBRA KAI." 202 00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:25,998 "COBRA KAI," FOURTH SEASON, IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX. 203 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,099 "COBRA KAI." >> Jon: THAT'S AMAZING. 204 00:14:27,166 --> 00:14:30,469 >> Stephen: I HAD NO IDEA. VERY EXCITED TO TALK TO HIM 205 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,571 ABOUT THAT. HEY, JON, PERSONAL QUESTION-- 206 00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:35,241 YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. 207 00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:38,978 HAVE YOU HAD THE COVID? >> Jon: I HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT 208 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,512 YET. >> Stephen: ANYBODY IN THE 209 00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:42,248 BAND? LEWIS, YOU HAD IT BRIEFLY? 210 00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,483 WOW, HOW WAS IT? >> NO SYMPTOMS. 211 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,986 >> Stephen: NO SYMPTOMS? YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN. 212 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,922 I TELL YOU, WE ARE-- WE'RE ON THE AIR TONIGHT. 213 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:54,593 WE'RE DOING THE SHOW TONIGHT HERE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN 214 00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:55,894 THEATER. ( APPLAUSE ) 215 00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:59,965 THIS IS WHY I ASK IS THAT I ASSUME WE'RE ON THE AIR TONIGHT. 216 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,900 I-- I-- >> Jon: I SEE THE CAMERA HERE. 217 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:05,871 >> Stephen: I WOULD CHECK ONLINE BUT I DON'T GOOGLE MY OWN 218 00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,474 NAME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 219 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:17,016 >> Jon: WHY WOULD YOU? >> Stephen: IT'S A LONG STORY. 220 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:22,187 ANYWAY, HERE'S THE THING IS THAT MY DEAR FRIEND JIMMY KIMMEL IS 221 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,823 NOT ON TONIGHT. THEYPUSHED BACK A WEEK, THEY'RE 222 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:27,293 NOT DOING THIS WEEK. TREVOR, MY FRIEND TREVOR IS NOT 223 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:33,866 ON FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. SETH MYERS IS NOT ON TONIGHT, 224 00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:39,872 BECAUSE MY DEAR FRIEND, SETH, HAS GOT THE-- HAS GOT THE 'RONA. 225 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:43,342 AND WE WISH HIM ONLY THE BEST. HE'S NOT ON THE AIR TONIGHT. 226 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:47,680 CONE AN, EVIDENTLY, MUST HAVE A TERRIBLE CASE OF IT BECAUSE I 227 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:51,583 DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. JIMMY FALLON CAUGHT IT OVER THE 228 00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:52,618 BREAK. HE'S FINE. 229 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,620 HE'S BACK ON. I JUST WANT TO SAY-- I DON'T SAY 230 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,356 THIS-- JAMES IS ON AFTER US TONIGHT, RIGHT? 231 00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:02,561 OKAY, SO HERE'S THE THING, IS THAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I 232 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,164 LOVE DOING THE SHOW. IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO DO THIS 233 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:09,101 SHOW, AND IF I DO GET IT, I PROMISE YOU, I WILL NOT BE DOING 234 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,135 MY SHOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 235 00:16:10,202 --> 00:16:15,708 THE SHOW. >> Jon: YEAH, WELL, HEY, YOU 236 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:16,975 -- >> Stephen: THAT'S IT. 237 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,445 BECAUSE I AM NEVER GOING BACK INTO THAT STORAGE CLOSET WHERE 238 00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:24,450 WE DID THE SHOW FOR 10 MONTHS. I CAN'T DO IT PACKAGE I GOT THE 239 00:16:24,516 --> 00:16:27,853 P.T.S.D. FROM THAT LITTLE ROOM. IT WAS MARK, MY STAGE MANAGER, 240 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,623 AND CHRIS, AND ORGANIZATIONALLY EVIE,s AND I LOVE YOU ALL, 241 00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:34,460 SOME MORE THAN OTHERS, AND I WON'T-- I WON'T DO IT. 242 00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:37,896 I WILL-- I DON'T CARE-- I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ALL HEALTHY. 243 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,966 BUT IF YOU GUYS CAN'T SHOW UP, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE. 244 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,736 IF THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SHOW UP, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE. 245 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:47,239 IF THE CAMERAMEN QUIT, I'M STILL GOING TO BE HERE. 246 00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:52,077 I'M NOT LEAVING THE ED SULLIVAN. I WILL DO THE SHOW WITH NO 247 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:57,583 MAKEUP IN A SWEAT SUIT ON A GOPRO, BUT I AM ( BLEEP ) NEVER 248 00:16:57,649 --> 00:17:00,452 GOING INTO THAT ROOM AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 249 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:05,290 I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR THE SPICY TALK! 250 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:10,496 LINE, LINE IN THE SAND! CORONA IS DEALING WITH ME NOW! 251 00:17:10,562 --> 00:17:13,599 >> Jon: COME ON! TELL IT! 252 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:16,335 >> Stephen: I MIGHT GOOGLE MYSELF TONIGHT. 253 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,237 I MIGHT DO THAT, JUST TO CELEBRATE. 254 00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:22,641 LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT. LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT, 255 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,043 OBVIOUSLY. Y'KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF 256 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,311 MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HANGING FOR YOU THE DAY'S 257 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:30,048 HOTTEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS DECORATIONS, BOOKING THE SEXIEST 258 00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,785 BAND, CURATING THE MOST RELEVANT DRINKS MENU, DISTRIBUTING 259 00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:36,588 PLAYFUL, YET TASTEFUL PARTY FAVORS, AND GLITTER HATS THAT 260 00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:39,425 SAY "2022," AND THEN SETTING THE MOST AU-COURANT LIGHTING TO 261 00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:40,659 THROW FOR YOU THE UPSCALE, "PITCH PERFECT" NEW YEAR'S EVE 262 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,929 PARTY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, 263 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,332 FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE RAFTERS AFTER LOSING A BET TO A CROW. 264 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,668 AND THEN I SPIKE THE PUNCH WITH CHLOROFORM AND MILITARY -GRADE 265 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:53,238 HELICOPTER LUBRICANTS, MAKE A BUNCH OF RESOLUTIONS TO QUIT 266 00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,908 HUFFING WD-40, AND PUNCH A POLICE HORSE DURING THE FUGITIVE 267 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:58,677 NEW YEAR'S HO-DOWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 268 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:03,649 >> MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 269 00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:08,854 THIS IS THE ENGINE OF AMERICA. THIS IS THE ENGINE OF OUR 270 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:13,258 DEMOCRACY. MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND 271 00:18:13,325 --> 00:18:15,727 THAT, DUE TO THEIR EXTREMELY EFFICIENT LIVERS, "THE HEAVIEST 272 00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:20,833 DRINKERS IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM" ARE HAMSTERS." 273 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,535 REALLY? PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ANDY COHEN. 274 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:28,740 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY-- 275 00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:32,711 ( APPLAUSE ) SO MUCH BECAUSE "IN THE WILD, 276 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:36,849 HAMSTERS HOARD RYEGRASS SEEDS AND FRUIT IN THEIR BURROWS, AND 277 00:18:36,915 --> 00:18:40,719 THEY EAT THIS FERMENTING STORE AS IT BECOMES MORE AND MORE 278 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:44,089 ALCOHOLIC OVER THE WINTER." WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IN THE WILD?" 279 00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:46,725 I'M PRETTY SURE HAMSTERS WERE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY 280 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:52,798 FIRST-GRADE TEACHERS. AND BECAUSE THEY'VE EVOLVED FOR 281 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:56,535 IT, "HAMSTERS REGULARLY DOWN 18 GRAMS, THE ALCOHOLIC EQUIVALENT 282 00:18:56,602 --> 00:19:03,108 OF A HUMAN DRINKING A LITER AND A HALF OF 190-PROOF EVERCLEAR." 283 00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:10,782 WHICH, IF YOU DO, IRONICALLY, WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE A 284 00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:12,918 HAMSTER, STUFFED IN A SHOEBOX AND BURIED BY THE SWING 285 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:19,858 SET. ( LAUGHTER ) 286 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:28,433 THIS WEEKEND OF THIS FEMALE ORANGUTAN NAMED "RAMBO" DRIVING 287 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,169 HER GOLF CART AROUND THE ZOO WHERE SHE LIVES, AND I DON'T 288 00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:36,875 HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS. LET'S JUST ENJOY IT TOGETHER. 289 00:19:36,942 --> 00:19:44,917 ( LAUGHTER ) 290 00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:59,865 >> Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT TO MOVE TO FLORIDA. 291 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:05,170 >> Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT TO MOVE TO FLORIDA. 292 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:08,640 MEANWHILE, IT'S A NEW YEAR, AND THAT MEANS A WHOLE NEW BATCH OF 293 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,809 COPYRIGHTS ON CREATIVE WORKS HAVE HIT THEIR 95-YEAR 294 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,312 EXPIRATION. AND THIS YEAR, A.A. MILNE'S 295 00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:20,919 "WINNIE THE POOH" AND ERNEST HEMINGWAY'S "THE SUN ALSO RISES" 296 00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:22,788 ARE AMONG THE WORKS FROM 1926 TO ENTER THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. 297 00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:27,993 WHICH MEANS I AM FINALLY ABLE TO RELEASE THE MASHUP WE'VE ALL BE 298 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,930 WAITING FOR: "WINNIE THE HYPERMASCULINE HUNTER -DRUNK." 299 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:46,878 ( LAUGHTER ) A READING: "THE HUNNY WAS SWEET 300 00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:47,879 ( LAUGHTER ) A READING: "THE HUNNY WAS SWEET 301 00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:50,115 AND I WAS JUST DRUNK ENOUGH TO BE CARELESS. 302 00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:54,186 I LOOKED AT LADY BRETT AND SAID "A HUG IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT 303 00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:55,387 SIZE." WAS SHE SLEEPING WITH ROBERT? 304 00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:58,290 I THOUGHT OF THE WAR AND WISHED I STILL HAD GENITALS. 305 00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:02,361 THEN I PLACED AN AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS: "FOR SALE, BEAR 306 00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:14,373 PANTS, NEVER WORN." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 307 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:18,510 ELECTRONICS-MONGERS "RADIO SHACK ARE REBRANDING AS A 308 00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,746 CRYPTOCURRENCY EXCHANGE PLATFORM." 309 00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:28,120 BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CUTTING EDGE 21st CENTURY DIGITAL 310 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:32,624 COMMERCE LIKE THE WORDS "RADIO" AND "SHACK." 311 00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,359 MEANWHILE, IN GERMANY, "700 SHEEP AND GOATS WERE ARRANGED IN 312 00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:38,363 THE SHAPE OF A NEEDLE TO ENCOURAGE VACCINATIONS." 313 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:40,966 A POWERFUL MESSAGE TO ANY ANTI-VAXXER WHO HAPPENED TO BE 314 00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:48,840 IN A LOW-FLYING AIRPLANE OVER THAT FIELD THAT AFTERNOON. 315 00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:50,442 BECAUSE NOTHING CONVINCES ANTI-VAXXERS TO FALL IN LINE 316 00:21:50,509 --> 00:21:58,250 LIKE SAYING, "BUT LOOK! ALL THE SHEEP ARE DOING IT!" 317 00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:00,318 WHEN WE RETURN, JENNIFER LAWRENCE TAKES THE COLBERT 318 00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:13,265 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 319 00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:15,867 I'M HERE WITH THE WONDERFUL JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 320 00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:17,869 JENNIFER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE WITH ME TONIGHT. 321 00:22:17,936 --> 00:22:21,740 YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO INTERVIEW YOU A 322 00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:26,278 FEW TIMES, AND WHILE YOUR WONDERFUL COMPANY, ONE OF THE 323 00:22:26,344 --> 00:22:28,280 WITH HAVING ONE OF THESE SHOWS IS YOU DON'T REALLY GET TO KNOW 324 00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:31,616 THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO BECAUSE YOU'RE OFTEN TALKING 325 00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:34,553 ABOUT THEIR PROJECT-- >> GETTING THEM DRUNK. 326 00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:35,754 >> Stephen: GETTING THEM DRUNK. 327 00:22:35,821 --> 00:22:38,757 BUT I NEVER REALLY GET TO KNOW MY GUESTS. 328 00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:43,929 SO WHAT WE DID HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"" UP IN OUR LABS, UP ON THE 329 00:22:43,995 --> 00:22:49,434 14th FLOOR, MY SCIENTISTS CAME TOGETHER WITH 15 QUESTIONS 330 00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:53,038 THAT WHEN ASKED REVEAL NOT ONLY TO ME AND THE AUDIENCE BUT TO 331 00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,807 THE PERSON BEING ASKED THE QUESTIONS WHO THEY TRULY ARE. 332 00:22:55,874 --> 00:23:01,680 AND I WAS WONDERING WHETHER I COULD GIVE YOU THE COLBERT 333 00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:02,981 QUESTIONERT. QUESTIONERT. 334 00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:05,083 >> SURE. >> Stephen: THIS IS THE 335 00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:10,122 COLBERT QUESTIONERT. ♪ ♪ ♪ 336 00:23:10,188 --> 00:23:11,423 OKAY, READY? >> UH-HUH. 337 00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:15,026 >> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION: JENNIFER LAWRENCE,s WHAT IS 338 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:20,866 THE BEST SANDWICH? >> A CUBANO. 339 00:23:20,932 --> 00:23:24,436 >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE. NICE. 340 00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:27,672 ( APPLAUSE ) THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW 341 00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,075 OUT? >> UHM... 342 00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:31,943 UHM... >> Stephen: TAKE YOUR TIME. 343 00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:37,249 >> WOW. UHM... 344 00:23:37,315 --> 00:23:40,152 WELL, ROTTEN ONIONS? ( LAUGHTER ). 345 00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:43,488 LETTUCE? >> NO, ONIONS. 346 00:23:43,555 --> 00:23:45,690 I'M PICTURING MY KITCHEN ISLAND, AND THEY COULD GO. 347 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:49,694 >> Stephen: YEAH, SURE. THAT'S NOT THE MOST DARING 348 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:50,762 CHOICE. I THINK IT'S SAFE. 349 00:23:50,829 --> 00:23:53,131 I THINK THAT'S SAFE. I THINK IT'S A SAFE CHOICE TO 350 00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:54,533 MAKE. >> I DON'T WANT TO THROW 351 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,635 ANYTHING ELSE AWAY. IF I HAD TO? 352 00:23:56,701 --> 00:23:58,804 >> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE ARE PACK RATS. 353 00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:01,640 THEY KEEP TOO MUCH STUFF. >> I LIKE EVERYTHING I HAVE. 354 00:24:01,706 --> 00:24:03,742 >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. 355 00:24:03,809 --> 00:24:08,647 WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> A MONGOOSE. 356 00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:11,183 NOT A MONGOOSE. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A SNAKE? 357 00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:15,320 WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF MONGOOSES? >> HONEY BADGER. 358 00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:17,656 >> Stephen: OH, THE HONEY BADGER, SURE. 359 00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:21,359 THEY'RE TOUGH. >> WELL, A SHARK. 360 00:24:21,426 --> 00:24:22,294 SORRY. >> Stephen: YOU'RE ALL OVER 361 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,261 THE PLACE HERE. A SHARK? 362 00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:26,398 >> NO, I THINK A SHARK IS SCARIEST. 363 00:24:26,464 --> 00:24:29,334 >> Stephen: SHARK IS SCARIEST. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHARK IN 364 00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:31,870 THE WILD? HAVE YOU SEEN A SHARK IN THE 365 00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:32,904 WATER? >> YEAH. 366 00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:37,242 >> Stephen: DO TELL? >> I WENT SHARK DIVING IN A 367 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,645 SHARK CAGE ONE TIME AND TRIED TO JUMP OUT BECAUSE THERE WERE 368 00:24:40,712 --> 00:24:43,682 JELLYFISH IN THE SHARK CAGE. >> Stephen: SO IT WASN'T THE 369 00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:44,816 SHARK. IT WAS THE JELLYFISH. 370 00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:48,920 SO THE JELLYFISH WERE SCARER TAN THE SHARK. 371 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,823 >> THAT WAS LIKE AN IMMEDIATE OUCH! 372 00:24:51,890 --> 00:24:54,860 >> Stephen: DID YOU GET STUNG? >> NO, AND I DIDN'T GET EATEN. 373 00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:57,762 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? >> ORANGES. 374 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,364 >> Stephen: MMM... >> APPLES. 375 00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:01,132 >> Stephen: THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS. 376 00:25:01,199 --> 00:25:05,737 >> ORANGES CAN BE A LITTLE BIT MORE CONSISTENT THAN APPLES? 377 00:25:05,804 --> 00:25:08,840 >> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE. FAVORITE SMELL? 378 00:25:08,907 --> 00:25:11,610 >> UHM... FAVORITE SMELL? 379 00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:14,746 GOD, NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT ONIONS. 380 00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:17,849 ONGUNS AND GARLIC AND BUTTER. >> Stephen: GARLIC AND BUTTER. 381 00:25:17,916 --> 00:25:22,921 >> ONIONS, GARLIC, AND BUTTER. >> Stephen: THAT IS GOOD. 382 00:25:22,988 --> 00:25:29,361 LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL? >> UHM... POOP? 383 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:31,630 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? 384 00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:33,899 >> MILDEW. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT-- 385 00:25:33,965 --> 00:25:38,837 THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID 386 00:25:38,904 --> 00:25:41,740 MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. >> OH, GOD. 387 00:25:41,806 --> 00:25:45,343 I HATE THE ANSWER, BUT TIKTOK. >> Stephen: OH, OKAY. 388 00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:48,446 DO YOU DO THE TIKTOK? >> SOME TIKTOKERS IN HERE. 389 00:25:48,513 --> 00:25:50,916 >> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE TIKTOKS? 390 00:25:50,982 --> 00:25:52,918 >> NO, I DON'T MAKE TIKTOK S. >> Stephen: WHY NOT? 391 00:25:52,984 --> 00:25:54,819 >> OH, MY GOD. YOU CAN IMAGINE? 392 00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:56,621 OH, MY GOD. NO. 393 00:25:56,688 --> 00:25:57,689 >> Stephen: NO. >> NO! 394 00:25:57,756 --> 00:25:59,324 >> Stephen: WHY? PEOPLE WOULD WATCH. 395 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,527 >> I KNOW! ( LAUGHTER ) 396 00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:08,633 >> OH, I COULDN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN GOD'S BABIES. 397 00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:12,270 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN 398 00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:17,909 TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? 399 00:26:17,976 --> 00:26:21,046 >> UHM... UHM... 400 00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:23,481 I CAN'T ANSWER THAT. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT? 401 00:26:23,548 --> 00:26:25,917 >> Stephen: WHAT? CAREFULLY. 402 00:26:25,984 --> 00:26:29,688 ( LAUGHTER ) GOD IS LISTENING. 403 00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,657 >> LIKE A MIRANDA LAMBERT SONG, PROBABLY. 404 00:26:32,724 --> 00:26:34,159 >> Stephen: THAT NARROWS IT DOWN. 405 00:26:34,225 --> 00:26:39,197 >> LIKE "HOLDING ON TO YOU" MIRANDA LAMBERT. 406 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:43,034 >> Stephen: DOZEN. >> WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 407 00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:44,502 >> 64. >> Stephen: NO. 408 00:26:44,569 --> 00:26:49,074 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 409 00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:55,981 >> HOPEFULLY NOT TOO SHORT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 410 00:26:56,047 --> 00:27:01,586 TOO SHORT! THAT'S SO POETIC! 411 00:27:01,653 --> 00:27:03,121 >> Stephen: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY. 412 00:27:03,188 --> 00:27:05,223 YOU ARE KNOWN. THANK YOU, JENNIFER. 413 00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:06,958 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK. 414 00:27:07,025 --> 00:27:08,026 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 415 00:27:37,722 --> 00:27:40,291 YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM "THE 416 00:27:40,358 --> 00:27:42,694 KARATE KID," "THE OUTSIDERS," AND "COBRA KAI." 417 00:27:42,761 --> 00:27:52,203 >> THAT'S IT. THAT LOOKS GOOD. 418 00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:56,107 >> THE THING ISN'T EVEN LEVEL. >> OR MAYBE YOU HAVE A LITTLE 419 00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:58,543 IMBALANCE INSIDE OF YOU. >> I STILL DON'T SEE ME USING 420 00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:03,515 ANY OF THIS IN A REAL FIGHT. >> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, 421 00:28:03,581 --> 00:28:08,319 MIAGO DO IS NOT ABOUT FIGHTING. YOU KNOW WHAT MIATY SAID? 422 00:28:08,386 --> 00:28:13,124 >> HIGH KICK BLOCK? >> BEST DEFENSE IS NO BE THERE. 423 00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:19,297 >> YOU MEAN DON'T BE THERE? YOU CAN'T HELP HIM WITH HIS 424 00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:21,132 ENGLISH. >> DON'T EVEN GO THERE WITH ME. 425 00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:25,703 >> ARE WE DONE. OR DO I HAVE TO SIT IN HERE AND 426 00:28:25,770 --> 00:28:28,840 FREEZE MY NUTS OFF TO FIND INNER PEACE? 427 00:28:28,907 --> 00:28:31,676 >> NO, WE'RE DONE. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO 428 00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:37,115 "THE LATE SHOW," RALPH MACCHIO! ♪ ♪ ♪ 429 00:28:37,182 --> 00:28:52,063 ( APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT! 430 00:28:52,130 --> 00:28:55,066 ( APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT! 431 00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:57,135 >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 432 00:28:57,202 --> 00:28:59,037 ONE OF MY FIRST GUESTS OF THE YEAR. 433 00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:00,738 SO LOVELY TO MEET YOU. >> YOU AS WELL. 434 00:29:00,805 --> 00:29:05,076 >> Stephen: AS I SAID TO YOU BACKSTAGE-- DO ME A FAVOR, AGE. 435 00:29:05,143 --> 00:29:07,445 YOU LOOK LIKE RALPH MACCHIO, WHICH YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T. 436 00:29:07,512 --> 00:29:10,014 ARE YOU 60? >> YES, I AM. 437 00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:12,217 >> Stephen: YOU SHOULDN'T STILL LOOK THIS GOOD. 438 00:29:12,283 --> 00:29:16,721 >> WELL, LISTEN, IT'S A GREAT STUDIO LIGHTING. 439 00:29:16,788 --> 00:29:20,425 AND I BLAME MY PARENTS A BIT. >> Stephen: DOES THE KARATE DO 440 00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:23,661 THIS FOR YOU? >> YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE 441 00:29:23,728 --> 00:29:25,029 MARTIAL ARTSZ AND FINDING YOUR CENTER. 442 00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:26,397 >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS? 443 00:29:26,464 --> 00:29:30,001 >> THE HOLIDAYS WERE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR, FOR 444 00:29:30,068 --> 00:29:32,737 EVERYBODY. OFTEN, ON CHRISTMAS EVE, WE DO-- 445 00:29:32,804 --> 00:29:35,874 MY IN-LAWS DO THE SEVEN FISH S. >> Stephen: ITALIAN 446 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:37,075 TRADITIONAL. >> RIGHT. 447 00:29:37,142 --> 00:29:39,744 THIS YEAR-- THIS YEAR WAS TWO AND A HALF, TWO AND A HALF 448 00:29:39,811 --> 00:29:43,681 FISHES. WE WERE 15, 16 PEOPLE THAT 449 00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,151 BECAME... SEVEN PEOPLE. SO WE WERE THE SEVEN HUMANS, IF 450 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:49,187 YOU WILL. >> Stephen: OKAY, SO, HERE WE 451 00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:54,792 GO. SEASON FOUR OF "COBRA KAI" 452 00:29:54,859 --> 00:29:59,130 CURRENTLY NUMBER ONE ON NETFLIX IN THE UNITED STATES. 453 00:29:59,197 --> 00:30:01,566 NEW SCORE. ( APPLAUSE ) 454 00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:07,605 SCORE ON "ROTTEN TOMATOES" IS 100%. 455 00:30:07,672 --> 00:30:11,109 >> WE'RE TRYING TO CRACK THAT. WE'RE TRYING TO CRACK THAT. 456 00:30:11,176 --> 00:30:15,613 >> Stephen: RALPH MACCHIO, DID YOU, "A," THINK FOUR SEASONS OF 457 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:20,685 "COBRA KAI," NUMBER-ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX, WAS THIS PART OF THE 458 00:30:20,752 --> 00:30:21,553 PLAN? >> COMPLETELY. 459 00:30:21,619 --> 00:30:23,888 FROM 1984, I JUST PLANNED IT THIS WAY. 460 00:30:23,955 --> 00:30:25,256 >> Stephen: YOU WERE PLAYING THE LONG GAME. 461 00:30:25,323 --> 00:30:28,726 >> I WAS PLAYING THE LONG GAME. IT'S ABOUT LONGEVITY, ISN'T IT? 462 00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:32,931 >> NO, LISTEN, IT'S BEEN ABOVE AND BEYOND IN EVERYTHING, AND 463 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:36,568 JUST, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FELT THAT IF WE BROUGHT PEOPLE TO THE 464 00:30:36,634 --> 00:30:40,004 WELL, THEY WOULD DRINK THE WATER, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THIS 465 00:30:40,071 --> 00:30:42,707 MOVIE WAS SUCH A BIG PART OF PEOPLE'S LIVES. 466 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:44,242 >> Stephen: AND IT'S NEVER STOPPED BEING. 467 00:30:44,309 --> 00:30:48,646 >> IT HAS NEVER STOPPED. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE, 468 00:30:48,713 --> 00:30:50,181 CERTAINLY FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE. 469 00:30:50,248 --> 00:30:53,651 >> Stephen: ARE YOU AWARE OF THE WIDE RECEIVERS WHO PLAY FOR 470 00:30:53,718 --> 00:30:55,954 ALABAMA WHO DO THE TRAIN KICK ON EVERY TOUCHDOWN? 471 00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:58,289 >> YES, IT'S AMAZING. IT'S AMAZING. 472 00:30:58,356 --> 00:31:01,259 LISTEN, IT'S A PIECE OF POP CULTURE. 473 00:31:01,326 --> 00:31:05,163 AND-- BUT MORE SO, WE'VE CREATED A SHOW, AND THE GUYS WHO-- THE 474 00:31:05,230 --> 00:31:08,800 CREATORS OF THE SHOW ARE JUST SO BRILLIANT-- THEY'RE THE SUPER 475 00:31:08,866 --> 00:31:11,669 FANS OF THE "THE KARATE KID" FILM. 476 00:31:11,736 --> 00:31:14,973 SO THEY WRITE TO WHAT THEY KNOW THE FANS WANT TO SEE, AND THEY 477 00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:17,075 FOUND DIFFERENT AREAS AND DIFFERENT WAYS TO DIVE INTO THE 478 00:31:17,141 --> 00:31:23,081 GRAY AREAS OF THESE CHARACTERS AND THEN PAY HOMAGE TO THE 479 00:31:23,147 --> 00:31:25,917 ORIGINAL SOURCE MATERIAL, YET TELL RELEVANT STORIES GOING 480 00:31:25,984 --> 00:31:28,720 FORWARD. AND NOW SO I HAVE KNOW-- WHERE 481 00:31:28,786 --> 00:31:37,662 IT USED TO BE, "HEY, AREN'T YOU THE GUY WHO WAS IN THEICA" RATEY 482 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:39,464 KID?" THEY SAY, "DON'T YOU PLAY THE 483 00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:42,567 DAD ON MY FAVORITE SHOW?" >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 484 00:31:42,634 --> 00:31:44,002 QUICK BREAK. BUT STICK AROUND. 485 00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:48,139 WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK RALPH ABOUT THE COOLEST PROP HE 486 00:31:48,206 --> 00:31:49,607 GOT TO KEEP FROM "THE KARATE KID." 487 00:31:49,674 --> 00:31:49,974 ( APPLAUSE ) 488 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:12,730 ( APPLAUSE ) THE STAR OF "COBRA KAI." 489 00:32:12,797 --> 00:32:16,000 RALPH MACCHIO. SO YOU GOT THIS AMAZING THING 490 00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:16,868 FROM DOING THE ORIGINAL MOVIES THAT EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IS 491 00:32:16,934 --> 00:32:18,603 FIRST MOVIE. >> YUP. 492 00:32:18,670 --> 00:32:21,973 >> Stephen: THE "FIND THE BALANCE" CARD. 493 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,875 >> YUP. >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. 494 00:32:23,941 --> 00:32:27,745 AND THIS IS... ( APPLAUSE ) 495 00:32:27,812 --> 00:32:34,552 ALWAYS WONDERED? >> THAT'S A '47 FORD 496 00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,288 CONVERTIBLE. IT'S A COUPE, AND IT WAS-- YOU 497 00:32:37,355 --> 00:32:39,857 KNOW, IT'S THE WAX ON/WAX OFF CAR. 498 00:32:39,924 --> 00:32:43,294 THAT'S THE CAR WE HAD IN THE MOVIE. 499 00:32:43,361 --> 00:32:48,433 AND COLUMBIA PICTURES AT THE TIME, WHEN "KARATE KID PART 3" 500 00:32:48,499 --> 00:32:50,468 CAME OUT, THAT DAY IT WAS AT MY HOUSE. 501 00:32:50,535 --> 00:32:52,870 I ASKED FOR IT, HOPING THAT MAYBE. 502 00:32:52,937 --> 00:32:57,308 AND SO THEY DELIVERED. AND IT IS IN THE "COBRA KAI" 503 00:32:57,375 --> 00:32:59,010 SHOW. THE CAR IN THE SHOW IS THAT CAR. 504 00:32:59,077 --> 00:33:00,812 >> Stephen: WOW. AND THEY HAVE TO RENT IT FROM 505 00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:02,714 YOU, RIGHT? >> THEY DON'T PAY ME FOR IT. 506 00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:05,283 >> Stephen: THEY DON'T? THEY'VE GOT TO. 507 00:33:05,350 --> 00:33:08,086 >> THEY GOT IT ALL FIXED UP FOR ME. 508 00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:09,954 IT'S AWESOME. >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, I 509 00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:12,790 HAVE TO TOUCH ON THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. 510 00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:16,661 THIS APRIL, YOU AND YOUR WIFE-- WHOSE NAME IS... 511 00:33:16,728 --> 00:33:18,596 >> PHYLLIS. >> Stephen: YOU ARE 512 00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:19,964 CELEBRATING YOUR 35th ANNIVERSARY TOGETHER. 513 00:33:20,031 --> 00:33:27,138 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SHE'S -- 514 00:33:27,205 --> 00:33:29,841 >> Stephen: HOW OLD-- HAD YOU DONE THESE MOVIES WHEN YOU GUYS 515 00:33:29,907 --> 00:33:31,409 MET? >> NO, WE MET BEFORE. 516 00:33:31,476 --> 00:33:38,683 I WAS 16-- 15 WHEN WE MET. YEAH, THIS IS THE MATCH MADE IN 517 00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:40,818 HEAVEN. SHE'S AMAZING. 518 00:33:40,885 --> 00:33:43,388 SHE'S A NURSE PRACTITIONER, DOING THE WORK-- THE TOUGH WORK 519 00:33:43,454 --> 00:33:44,522 RIGHT NOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 520 00:33:44,589 --> 00:33:49,260 AND, YEAH, 35 YEARS. IT'S CRAZY. 521 00:33:49,327 --> 00:33:51,362 I'M ONLY 32, LIKE I SAID. ( LAUGHTER ) 522 00:33:51,429 --> 00:33:58,169 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SECRET? >> THE SECRET? 523 00:33:58,236 --> 00:34:03,441 FOUNDATION, BELIEVING THAT WE ARE TOGETHER FOR, YOU KNOW, 524 00:34:03,508 --> 00:34:06,811 THE-- THE REASONS YOU FIGHT FOR. THE REASONS YOU WORK THROUGH 525 00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:09,247 EVERYTHING. IF YOU HAVE THAT SOLID 526 00:34:09,313 --> 00:34:11,416 FOUNDATION, THAT BALANCE, THERE I AM. 527 00:34:11,482 --> 00:34:15,787 I'M MIAGI-ISMING IT. HE'S EVERYWHERE. 528 00:34:15,853 --> 00:34:18,456 BUT IF YOU HAVE THE FOUNDATION AND FIND THAT BALANCE IN LIFE 529 00:34:18,523 --> 00:34:25,296 AND THE UPS AND DOWNS AND EBBS AND FLOWS OF IT ALL, IT IS ABOUT 530 00:34:25,363 --> 00:34:26,898 STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS, AND BELIEVING IN THE LOVE THAT YOU 531 00:34:26,964 --> 00:34:28,499 HAVE. IT'S SO EASY THESE DAYS, 532 00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:31,402 EVERYONE IS LIKE, "NOT MY JOB. NOT MY THING. 533 00:34:31,469 --> 00:34:33,738 DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'M OUT OF HERE." 534 00:34:33,805 --> 00:34:36,641 IF YOU FEEL YOU FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON, THEN YOU WORK AT THAT. 535 00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:43,314 ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, BEFORE WE GO, LAST THING IS 536 00:34:43,381 --> 00:34:45,650 THAT, OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "THE KARATE KID" AND 537 00:34:45,716 --> 00:34:49,253 "COBRA KAI" HERE. BUT, ALSO, WE KNOW YOU FROM "THE 538 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:54,992 OUTSIDERS," "MY COUSIN VINNY," ALL YOU HUGE SUCCESSES OF THEIR 539 00:34:55,059 --> 00:34:57,495 OWN. WHEN A FAN IS APPROACHING YOU, 540 00:34:57,562 --> 00:35:01,632 WHEN A PERSON LOCKS WITH YOU, THAT PERSON KNOWS WHO YOU ARE, 541 00:35:01,699 --> 00:35:05,403 HOW SOON DO YOU KNOW WHICH OF THOSE PROJECTS THEY'RE FANS OF? 542 00:35:05,470 --> 00:35:07,672 IS THERE A SIGN? >> THAT'S AN INTERESTING 543 00:35:07,738 --> 00:35:10,274 QUESTION. I THINK IT'S-- YOU KNOW, IT'S 544 00:35:10,341 --> 00:35:12,109 INTERESTING. "THE OUTSIDERS" IS A BOOK THAT'S 545 00:35:12,176 --> 00:35:17,682 STILL READ IN SCHOOLS AROUND THE COUNTRY TODAY, S.E. HINTON, 546 00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:19,050 CLASSIC NOVEL. THAT FILM, I'LL SEE A 13- OR 547 00:35:19,116 --> 00:35:22,787 14-YEAR-OLD TEENAGED GIRL, AND WHEN THEY COME UP, YOU KNOW IT'S 548 00:35:22,854 --> 00:35:26,157 "STAY GOLD, PONY BOY" TIME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 549 00:35:26,224 --> 00:35:29,694 THEY JUST HAVE THAT SCPLOOK THEY LOVE THAT STORY AND THOSE 550 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:33,197 CHARACTERS AND THOSE GREAT ACTORS FROM THAT FILM. 551 00:35:33,264 --> 00:35:38,402 AND I'M GET-- IF I'M IN THE RIGHT TIME IN BROOKLYN I'LL GET 552 00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:47,211 THE "THE TWO YOUTS," OR "I SHOT THE CLERK" OR THE "MY COUSIN 553 00:35:47,278 --> 00:35:49,046 VINNY" REFERENCES. >> Stephen: RALPH MACCHIO, IT 554 00:35:49,113 --> 00:35:54,151 WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. >> GREAT TO BE HERE 555 00:35:54,218 --> 00:35:55,786 >> Stephen: SEASON FOUR OF "COBRA KAI" IS STREAMING ON 556 00:35:55,853 --> 00:35:56,888 NETFLIX NOW. RALPH MACCHIO, EVERYBODY! 557 00:35:56,954 --> 00:35:59,323 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY NELL AND THE 558 00:35:59,390 --> 00:35:59,924 FLAMING LIPS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 559 00:35:59,991 --> 00:36:01,292 ( APPLAUSE ) 560 00:36:09,166 --> 00:36:10,334 >> Stephen: PERFORMING "RED RIGHT HAND" FROM THEIR NICK 561 00:36:10,401 --> 00:36:14,772 CAVE COVERS ALBUM, "WHERE THE VIADUCT LOOMS," NELL AND THE 562 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:18,943 FLAMING LIPS! CHOPPER CHEAPER 563 00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:32,123 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 564 00:36:32,189 --> 00:36:35,993 >> ♪ TAKE A LITTLE WALK TO THE EDGE OF TOWN 565 00:36:36,060 --> 00:36:42,600 ♪ GO ACROSS THE TRACKS WHERE THE VIADUCT LOOMS 566 00:36:42,667 --> 00:36:49,073 ♪ LIKE A BIRD OF DOOM AS IT SHIFTS AND CRACKS 567 00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:53,311 ♪ WHERE SECRETS LIE IN THE BORDER FIRES 568 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:56,314 ♪ IN THE HUMMING WIRES HEY MAN, YOU KNOW 569 00:36:56,380 --> 00:37:00,518 ♪ YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK PAST THE SQUARE, PAST THE BRIDGE 570 00:37:00,585 --> 00:37:06,691 ♪ PAST THE MILLS, PAST THE STACKS 571 00:37:06,757 --> 00:37:11,162 ♪ ON A GATHERING STORM COMES A TALL HANDSOME MAN 572 00:37:11,228 --> 00:37:21,839 ♪ IN A DUSTY BLACK COAT WITH HIS RED RIGHT HAND 573 00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,375 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 574 00:37:24,442 --> 00:37:28,579 ♪ HE'LL WRAP YOU IN HIS ARMS TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE BEEN 575 00:37:28,646 --> 00:37:35,886 ♪ A GOOD BOY HE'LL REKINDLE ALL THE DREAMS 576 00:37:35,953 --> 00:37:41,826 ♪ IT TOOK YOU A LIFETIME TO DESTROY 577 00:37:41,892 --> 00:37:47,031 ♪ HE'LL REACH DEEP INTO THE HOLE HEAL YOUR SHRINKING SOUL 578 00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:49,100 ♪ BUT THERE WON'T BE A SINGLE THING 579 00:37:49,166 --> 00:37:53,838 ♪ THAT YOU CAN DO HE'S A GOD, HE'S A MAN 580 00:37:53,904 --> 00:38:01,345 ♪ HE'S A GHOST, HE'S A GURU THEY'RE WHISPERING HIS NAME 581 00:38:01,412 --> 00:38:05,516 ♪ THROUGH THIS DISAPPEARING LAND BUT HIDDEN IN HIS COAT 582 00:38:05,583 --> 00:38:13,290 ♪ IS A RED RIGHT HAND ♪ ♪ ♪ 583 00:38:13,357 --> 00:38:20,364 ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE NO MONEY? 584 00:38:20,431 --> 00:38:25,903 ♪ HE'LL GET YOU SOME, HE'LL GET YOU SOME 585 00:38:25,970 --> 00:38:30,741 ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE NO CAR? HE'LL GET YOU ONE, 586 00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:36,781 ♪ HE'LL GET YOU ONE YOU DON'T HAVE NO SELF -RESPECT 587 00:38:36,847 --> 00:38:41,786 ♪ YOU FEEL LIKE AN INSECT WELL DON'T YOU WORRY BUDDY 588 00:38:41,852 --> 00:38:44,255 ♪ 'CAUSE HERE HE COMES THROUGH THE GHETTOS 589 00:38:44,321 --> 00:38:51,595 ♪ AND THE BARRIO AND THE BOWERY AND THE SLUMS 590 00:38:51,662 --> 00:38:56,067 ♪ A SHADOW IS CAST WHEREVER HE STANDS 591 00:38:56,133 --> 00:39:05,643 ♪ STACKS OF GREEN PAPER IN HIS RED RIGHT HAND 592 00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:15,319 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 593 00:39:15,386 --> 00:39:18,756 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 594 00:39:18,823 --> 00:39:21,492 ♪ YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR NIGHTMARES 595 00:39:21,559 --> 00:39:30,000 ♪ YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR DREAMS HE'LL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE 596 00:39:30,067 --> 00:39:38,042 ♪ BUT HE AIN'T WHAT HE SEEMS YOU'LL SEE HIM IN YOUR HEAD 597 00:39:38,109 --> 00:39:42,279 ♪ ON THE TV SCREEN AND HEY BUDDY, I'M WARNING 598 00:39:42,346 --> 00:39:46,517 ♪ YOU TO TURN IT OFF HE'S A GHOST, HE'S A GOD 599 00:39:46,584 --> 00:39:54,325 ♪ HE'S A MAN, HE'S A GURU YOU'RE ONE MICROSCOPIC COG 600 00:39:54,391 --> 00:39:58,662 ♪ IN HIS CATASTROPHIC PLAN DESIGNED AND DIRECTED 601 00:39:58,729 --> 00:40:03,300 ♪ BY HIS RED RIGHT HAND ♪ ♪ ♪ 602 00:40:03,367 --> 00:40:11,575 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 603 00:40:11,642 --> 00:40:17,348 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NELL AND THE FLAMING 604 00:40:17,414 --> 00:40:22,353 LIPS, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW. 605 00:40:22,419 --> 00:40:24,555 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR. 606 00:40:24,622 --> 00:40:25,623 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.