GAMES FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS SEASON BECAUSE OF COVID
CONCERNS. OFFICIALS ARE RESCHEDULING GAMES
FOR THE CHICAGO BULLS AFTER TEN PLAYERS AND SEVERAL STAFF
MEMBERS TESTED POSITIVE, LEAVING THE TEAM SHORTHANDED FOR
TONIGHT'S GAME.
>> AND, NOW, THE STARTING LINEUP FOR YOUR CHICAGO BULLS!
SHOOTING GUARD FROM SEAT NUMBER 432 -- THIS GUY THAT WAS ON HIS
WAY TO THE BATHROOM! FAST FORWARDS OUT OF CIRQUE DU
SOLEIL -- THE TUMBLING SCARDINO BROTHERS!
THE POINT GUARD FROM BEST BUY -- THIS BOOM BOX PLAYING THE MUSIC
YOU'RE HEARING IN THE BACKGROUND!
AND AT CENTER, FAN FAVORITE DENNIS RODMAN'S -- DOG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S TIPOFF AND TWO MINUTES INTO
THE GAME -- THE SCORE IS 138 TO 0!
ROUGH START FOR THE BULLS! AND LOOKS LIKE THIS YEAR'S
CHAMPION IS THE OMICRON VARIANT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, HOUSE OF HORRORS. AND A LATE SHOW ANIMATED
CHRISTMAS SUPERB! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES ANDERSON
COOPER! FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN"! AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WHOO!
WHOO! WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME!
OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT A FEELING, WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING TO BE
WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
IT'S NICE TO BE HOME WITH ALL OF YOU.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BREATHE EASY, JUST LET A LITTLE BIT GO, ALREADY
BECAUSE WE MADE IT. THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF 2021.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: 2021.
>> Stephen: IF I COULD SUM UP THE YEAR IN ONE SENTENCE, CBS
WOULD BLEEP IT. MAN, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR
STARTING WITH AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW OUR DEMOCRACY,
THIS WEEK, THE HOUSE'S SELECT COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6TH HAS
SHARED A LOT OF DISTURBING DETAILS ABOUT THE RUN UP TO THAT
DAY, COURTESY OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF, AND MAN
TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT COMES AFTER TWO, MARK MEADOWS.
THIS WEEK, THE COMMITTEE HAS RELEASED A BUNCH OF MEADOWS'
TEXT MESSAGES, INCLUDING THIS ONE FROM A MYSTERY
LAWMAKER: "ON JANUARY 6, 2021, VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
AS PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE, SHOULD CALL OUT ALL ELECTORAL
VOTES THAT HE BELIEVES ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL AS NO ELECTORAL
VOTES AT ALL." NO! YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT KIND OF
POWER TO MIKE PENCE. IT'LL BE LIKE FOOTLOOSE.
HE'LL BAN DANCING AND MAKE US ALL CALL OUR WIVES "MOTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T MAKE OUR NATIONAL
BIRD THE SALTINE! ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A LITTLE SPICEY FOR MIKE. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, LAST NIGHT WE LEARNED THE IDENTITY OF THIS MYSTERY
LAWMAKER, IT'S NONE OTHER THAN: OHIO CONGRESSMAN AND CAVEMAN
WITH A G.E.D., JIM JORDAN. ( BOOING )
JORDAN'S OFFICE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE SENT THE MESSAGE, BUT
THEY HAD AN EXPLANATION: "MR. JORDAN FORWARDED THE TEXT
TO MR. MEADOWS, AND MR. MEADOWS CERTAINLY KNEW IT WAS A
FORWARD." SO WHAT??
THAT'S NOT A DEFENSE. THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I DIDN'T
COOK THE METH, I JUST SOLD IT AT THE GYMBOREE.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE TODDLERS ARE GOING
TO LOSE THEIR TEETH ANYWAY." ( LAUGHTER )
THIS TEXT IS BAD, BUT, ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, IT WAS JUST A
SMALL PART OF A MONTHS LONG CAMPAIGN OF SUBVERSION BY A HALF
DOZEN REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS: JIM JORDAN
SCOTT PERRY PAUL GOSAR
LOUIS GOHMERT MO BROOKS, AND
ANDY BIGGS. ALSO KNOWN AS
"STEAL TEAM DICKS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AFTER THE ELECTION, THE DICKS DEVELOPED A BLUEPRINT FOR THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS IN CONGRESS:
TO HAMMER HOME THE IDEA THAT THE ELECTION WAS
TAINTED. THEN, THEY WENT ON CABLE
TELEVISION, RADIO SHOWS, AND RALLIES TO PROMOTE THE IDEA
STARTED DRUMMING UP SUPPORT TO DERAIL THE TRANSFER OF POWER,
AND FINALLY PLOTTED TO DISRUPT THE CERTIFICATION ON
JANUARY 6TH OF JOE BIDEN'S VICTORY.
THEN, ON JANUARY 6TH, ALL SIX LAWMAKERS WERE INSIDE THE
CAPITOL, READY TO PROTEST THE CERTIFICATION, BUT RIGHT
BEFORE THEY COULD, SECURITY FORCES ENTERED THE CHAMBER
BECAUSE RIOTERS WERE IN THE BUILDING.
SO THEY WERE READY TO REJECT THE DELEGATES, SEIZE THE BALLOTS,
AND OVERTURN THE ELECTION BUT THEY WERE INTERRUPTED BY THE
OUT-OF CONTROL MOB THAT THEIR LIES CREATED.
REMINDS ME OF THE WORDS OF FOUNDING FATHER BENJAMIN
FRANKENSTEIN: (AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN)
"NO, NO, I'M HEARING REPORTS IT WAS 'ANTIFA' WHO DESTROYED YOUR
VILLAGE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT
I LIKE IT! IF THEY HAD SUCCEEDED, THE OVAL
OFFICE WOULD STILL BE OCCUPIED BY FORMER PRESIDENT
"SCHMUCK A L'ORANGE." ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, "DOUCHE BIGALOW" SAT DOWN FOR A NEWSMAX INTERVIEW, AND
CLAIMED VICTORY IN THE TOTALLY MADE UP "WAR ON CHRISTMAS."
(DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERNEATH) >> WHEN I STARTED CAMPAIGNING,
THIS WAS IN 2015, WHEN I STARTED CAMPAIGNING, I SAID, YOU'RE
GOING TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN, AND NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING
IT. OF COURSE, THEY'RE NOT SAYING A
LOT OF OTHER THINGS LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN,
THOMAS JEFFERSON. >> STEPHEN: YES!
SO TRUE! WHY AREN'T PEOPLE SAYING "MERRY
ABRAHAM LINCOLN" AND "A HAPPY NEW
JEFFERSON?" WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WOULD CHOP
DOWN A GEORGE WASHINGTON, PUT IT UP IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND
DECORATE IT WITH WOODEN TEETH ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE KIDS WITH THEIR VIDEO GAMES.
AND YOUR TAMAGACCIS ( PIANO RIFF )
HE HAD MORE THOUGHTS: >> AMERICA
LOVES CHRISTMAS. >> YEAH.
>> AND WHETHER YOU'RE MUSLIM, WHETHER YOU'RE CHRISTIAN,
WHETHER YOU'RE JEWISH. EVERYONE LOVES CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S TRUE. THAT'S WHY TRADITIONALLY, ON
CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU LEAVE SANTA A GLASS OF WARM MANISCHEWITZ AND A
CHICKEN SHAWARMA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DELICIOUS. ( PIANO RIFF )
HE IS -- WHAT'S THE WORD -- INSANE.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I LOVE CHRISTMAS, BUT I'M
SURE SOME PEOPLE DON'T. AND THAT'S OKAY!
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN THING! JUST LIKE I LOVE MY WIFE, EVIE,
BUT IT'S FINE WITH ME THAT OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE THEIR
OWN SPOUSES. ( LAUGHTER )
ALTHOUGH, SUCKS FOR THEM. I DID GET THE BEST ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, IF AMERICA REMAINS
THIS DIVIDED, WE MAY HAVE TO SOLVE THINGS THE OLD FASHIONED
WAY, LIKE IN SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE BRAZILIAN POLITICIANS ARE
NOW SETTLING DISPUTES WITH M.M.A. FIGHTING.
M.M.A.-- FROM NOW ON, THE SECOND MOST PAINFUL THING I ASSOCIATE
WITH THE WORD "BRAZILIAN." ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. IT KEEPS YOU SLIPPERY, EXACTLY
RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
THE MATCH PITTED SIMAO PEIXOTO, A 39-YEAR-OLD MAYOR, AGAINST
FORMER COUNCILOR ERINEU ALVES DA SILVA, AGED 45.
THE TWO RESORTED TO FISTICUFFS AFTER SILVA BLAMED PEIXOTO FOR
ALLEGEDLY FAILING TO CONSERVE A WATERPARK.
THAT'S GONNA MAKE FOR SOME RIVETING TRASH TALK.
(AS AGGRO FIGHTER) "THIS JABRONI WOULDN'T KNOW HOW
TO RELAX WITH FRIENDS ON A RIVERBANK IF HIS RECREATIONAL
APPRECIATION OF NATURE DEPENDED ON IT!
I'LL DROP YOU FASTER THAN THE BEAUTIFUL FOLIAGE THAT GENTLY
CARESSES THE WATER'S EDGE, BROTHER!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAND ME A FOLDING CHAIR!
LOO! ALL IN ALL, THE MATCH WENT THREE
ROUNDS. BUT REMEMBER THEY'RE 39 ANDs
45. IT WOULD BE TOUGHER FOR OUR
POLITICIANS. (AS RING ANNOUNCER)
IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT "BARELY ALIVE," IT'S THE TERROR
FROM THE JURASSIC ERA, CHUCK GRASSLEY.
AND HIS OPPONENT, BEING CARRIED IN BUBBLE WRAP BECAUSE HER BONES
ARE MADE FROM CANDY-CANES IT'S DIANNE "PAPER-SKIN" FEINSTEIN.
DING-DING, AND THERE'S THE BELL! THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF
THEM TO TAKE A NAP! AND NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE IS DEAD.
THEY'RE ALL DEAD. IN PANDEMIC NEWS, THERE'S WAY
TOO MUCH PANDEMIC NEWS. RIGHT NOW, THE U.S. IS AVERAGING
CLOSE TO 120,000 NEW COVID CASES EACH DAY, WHICH IS 50% MORE THAN
A MONTH AGO. NO!
THIS HAS TO END!
THIS PANDEMIC FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU GO TO A
CATHOLIC WEDDING. (WHISPERING)
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT OVER ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR AN HOUR. THAT WAS JUST THE MASS?
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE WEDDING YET?
( APPLAUSE ) DO I STAND UP?
SIT DOWN? DO I KNEEL?
HOW MANY POSITIONS DO I HAVE TO TAKE?
THIS IS LIKE CROSS-FIT. NOW I KNOW WHY JESUS WAS SO
CUT." OMICRON MIGHT BE THE NEW VARIANT
ON THE BLOCK, BUT DELTA IS STILL GOING STRONG.
WHICH MEANS NOW, THE NATION FACES A DOUBLE CORONAVIRUS
SURGE. SO TO BE SAFE: DOUBLE MASK,
DOUBLE DISTANCE, AND DOUBLE FIST IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAFETY FIRST. SAFETY FIRST.
THE COVID SURGE HAS HIT THE , WHERE AROUND 100 PLAYERS HAVE
TESTED POSITIVE IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
THAT'S ROUGH. A LOT OF THOSE GUYS WERE
SUPPOSED TO PLAY KEY PARTS IN THIS SUNDAY'S INSURANCE
COMMERCIALS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS TRYING TO AVOID OMICRON:
>> GOING DEEP. HE'S GOT WATKINS.
AND BUCKLE UP, HERE HE GOES! AND --
>> (OBVIOUSLY DUBBED) COVID >> -- BRINGS HIM DOWN!
STILL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE. THE HIGHLIGHTS.
YOU GOT TO JUKE HIM. STILL THE BEST PLAY THE JETS
HAVE MADE ALL YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HERE'S THE POSITIVE ABOUT ALL THE POSITIVES: VACCINES
WORK. IT'S NOT JUST PROFESSIONAL
BROADWAY IS FEELING THE AFFECTS OF OMICRON, JUST YESTERDAY, THEY
CANCELLED SHOWS FOR "HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED
CHILD" AND THE TINA TURNER JUKEBOX MUSICAL, "TINA."
OH NO! NOT TINA.
SHE JUST LEFT THAT GOOD JOB IN THE CITY.
( LAUGHTER ) WORKIN' FOR THE MAN EVERY NIGHT
AND DAY! >> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: SHE NEVER LOST A MINUTE OF SLEEPIN'.
>> Jon: SHE NEVER DID. >> Stephen: WORIN WORE YIPPING T
THE WAY THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT JUST THOSE SHOWS. THERE WERE ALSO CONFIRMED CASES
IN "FREESTYLE LOVE SUPREME," "AIN'T TOO PROUD," "MRS.
DOUBTFIRE," AND "WICKED." JUST TO BE SAFE, FOR THE NEXT 10
DAYS, GLINDA WILL BE QUARANTINING IN A BUBBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL BAD FOR ALL THOSE TICKET
HOLDERS WHO MISSED THEIR SHOWS, SO I'M GOING TO DO MY
BEST TO GIVE THEM A LITTLE BROADWAY SPARKLE RIGHT NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM ONE OF THE SHOWS THAT GOT
CANCELED: THE MRS. DOUBTFIRE MUSICAL.
WHICH I HAVE NOT SEEN, BUT I ASSUME GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS: (JON PLAYS OPENING CHORDS
TO ALEXANDER HAMILTON) ♪ DAD IS MRS. DOUBTFIRE ♪
♪ I THINK OUR DAD IS MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
THIS IS A WEIRD WAY TO GET BACK AT MOM.
IT'S NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY ♪
AMERICA ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE DEALING WITH OMICRON --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: YOU GOT THE SOUND!
>> Stephen: AMERICA'S NOT THE ONLY ONE DEALING WITH OMICRON,
IT'S MOVED EVEN FASTER ACROSS THE POND.
IN EUROPE, EXPERTS PREDICT IT WILL BE THE DOMINANT COVID
VARIANT WITHIN A MONTH. THAT'S ROUGH.
IT MEANS CHRISTMAS IN THE U .K. THIS YEAR IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE
THIS: >> HELLO! YOU THERE! BOY!
>> ME SIR? >> YES. YOU MY GOOD FELLA.
WHAT >> (OBVIOUS DUBBING) VARIANT
ARE WE ON? >> VARIANT?
WHY IT'S OMICRON OF COURSE! >> HELL NO!
(SLAM) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR NEW ANIMATED CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. DON'T MISS IT!
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOT TO BRING IT IN
STRONG. MERRY CHRISTMAS, JON, AND TO
EVERYBODY OVER THERE. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL BREAK.
HOPE YOU SPEND A LOT OF HAPPY TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES OVER
THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO CELEBRATE,
JON? ANY BIG PLANS?
>> Jon: JUST BEING WITH THE FAMILY AND CHERISHING LIFE.
THAT'S THE PLAN IS THAT THAT'S LOVELY, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S IT!
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I TELL A LOT OF JOKES, BUT WHEN I SAID
THIS WAS THE LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR, I WAS DEAD SERIOUS.
THIS HAS BEEN JUST A SACK-POUNDER OF A YEAR.
AND AS IT COMES TO AN END, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED BACK AT THE BEGINNING. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
CONSEQUENCES OF ANY KIND. AND SOME OF THOSE MEMORY FOAM
SLIPPERS. AT LEAST "THEY" WON'T FORGET WHO
DID THIS. BUT UNTIL THE JANUARY 6TH
COMMITTEE GIVES US WHAT WE'VE BEEN ASKING FOR, WE AT THE LATE
SHOW HAVE OUR OWN HOLIDAY OFFERING: A NEW ANIMATED
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: "A CONSPIRACY CAROL."
AND EVERY WORD OF IT IS TRUE.
>> OK, GUMDROP, READY FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT OF HO-HO-HO- DERNA!
GIVE ME THAT JOLLY JAB! >> YOU SHOULD BE CHOCK FULL OF
SANTA-BODIES NOW, BOSS! >> WONDERFUL.
NOW I'M ALL SET. SO LONG AS THE VIRUS NEVER
MUTATES AGAIN. (ALARM RINGS)
>> OOP! NO TIME FOR SIDE EFFECTS.
I'M OFF TO CERTIFY THE NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST, IN THE KLAUS OF
REPRESENTATIVES! IT WAS IN THESE HOLLY-ED HALLS
THAT JINGLE WASHINGTON SIGNED THE CHRISTMAS CONSTITUTION, AND
FIRST UTTERED THOSE FAMOUS WORDS, "PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD
WILL TOWARD MEN." SON OF A GRINCH!
(SINGING ANGRILY) >> JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,
WHERE IS JFK!...JR! SANTA IS A LIZARD MAN,
IT'S TIME TO STOP THE SLEIGH, HEY!
>> OH NO. IT'S THOSE CHESTNUTS FROM
SCROOGEANON. >> THEY'RE PROTESTING AGAINST
YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE NAUGHTY LIST.
>> WELL, THIS ISN'T HELPING THEIR CASE.
(EMITTING A FERAL CRY) >> DIE!!!!
>> THAT'S TWO HOT MUGS OF CHRISTMAS COOCOO!
RUDOLPH!? >> THE SNOWSTORM IS COMIN',
SANTIFA! >> YOU'RE IN SCROOGE-ANON NOW!?
BUT, YOUR NOSE SO BRIGHT IS MEANT TO GUIDE MY SLEIGH
TONIGHT. >> WE'RE STOPPIN' THE SLEIGH!
>> RUDY, WE'RE FAMILY! >> DON'T LISTEN TO HIM REIN -MAN.
'IS' PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET POOR RUDOLPH JOIN IN ANY REINDEER
GAMES. HE'S NOT YOUR REAL DAD.
>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY. RUDOLPH, YOUR MOTHER'S
GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED. >> FACEBOOK IS MY MOTHER NOW.
STOP THE SLEIGH! (SOUND OF BELLS)
>> IT'S THE BELL OF RIGHTS! COME ON!
(CHEERING) >> THE OFFICIAL CHECK-TWICE
CEREMONY! (TRUMPETS SOUND OUT)
AND NOW, TO CERTIFY THE FINAL NAUGHTY AND NICE TALLIES, I
YIELD THE FLOOR TO THE CHAIR OF THE LIST.
THE HONORABLE CATHY CLAUS. >> THANK YOU, SANTA.
(BANGS GAVEL) >> I SHALL FIRST CALL ON THE ELF
ON THE SHELF FROM THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE.
>> THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM MAINE DECLARES 657,000 NICE --
AY-YUH AND 270,000 NAUGHTY.
AHYUH. LOBSTAH.
>> MADAME CHAIR, THE TALLY MATCHES THE LIST.
>> CHECK ONCE. TWICE.
MAY MY SACK BE FILLED ACCORDINGLY.
(WHISPERING) THEY'RE WHAT?!
>> BREAKING NEWS. I'M HERE AT THE NORTH POLE,
WHERE A "STOP THE SLEIGH" RALLY IS UNDERWAY, AND IT'S BEING
WHIPPED INTO A FROTHY NOG OF MADNESS.
>> HELLO MANIACS! I FEEL YOUR RAGE!
YOU'VE BEEN PUT ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST FOR TOO LONG.
WELL, I TOO HAVE BEEN ON HIS NAUGHTY LIST EVER SINCE THE DAY
I SLAPPED MY WAY OUT OF THE WOMB!
AND TODAY, WITH YOUR HELP, ALL F US ARE GOING TO FINALLY GET L
>> UGH. THAT GUY.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS ASKS FOR PORN AND SOUP.
>> I GOT A QUESTION FOR ALL Y'ALL: JUST WHO EXACTLY IS
WRITIN' THAT LIST IN THERE? THE LIBERAL MEDIA WANTS YOU TO
BELIEVE IT'S SANTA BUT SCROOGE-ANON KNOWS THE
TRUTH! BEHOLD!
(DEEP EVIL VOICE) HO, HO, HO.
(CROWD GASPS) >> WE'RE CONVINCED! THAT'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR ME! ANAGRAMS CAN'T BE WRONG!
>> NOW, MY FELLOW PA-RUM- PUM- PUM-PATRIOTS:
LET'S GO LOCK SANTA UP IN IMAGINATION JAIL WITH
MY ARCH-ENEMY BIG BIRD AND BI- SEXUAL SUPERMAN!
DO IT! FOR THE LIZARD MEN, AND
HORSE PILLS, AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S GHOST.
WHATEVER ELSE WE ALL BELIEVE IN! JUST GET MY PRESENTS, LUNATICS!!
(YELLING CHAOS) >> THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A RECKLESS CAMPAIGN OF CHRIS-MISINFORMATION NOW ENDING
IN A FULLSCALE TINSEL -RECTION. (WOOD BREAKING)
>> OH ( BLEEP ). >> (CHANTING)
"WHOSE KLAUS? OUR KLAUS!"
( GLASS SHTTERS ) (ROARING )
>> ( CHANTING ) "WHOSE KLAUS?
OUR KLAUS!" >> IT'S YA BOY, RICK!
I'M INSIDE SANTA'S WORKSHOP, HERE TO RESTORE HONOR TO THE
LIST! AND WHILE I GOT YA, DON'T FORGET
TO VISIT RICK'S WORLD OF WILD REPTILES OVER ON ROUTE 9.
5 DOLLARS OFF ALL IRREGULAR SNAKES WITH PROMO CODE:
"I WATCHED RICK'S CRIME!" >> I GOT THE SACK!
THIS THING'S MAGIC. IT'LL GIVE YA ANYTHING YOU CAN
IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!
WHAT DO YA WANT? >> VAPE PEN!
>> VAPE PEN RIGHT HERE!
>> VAPE PEN FOR ME! >> OK!
>> LET'S GO, EVERYONE INTO THE PANIC CHIMNEY!
>> SANTA, I'VE NEVER SEEN PEOPLE THIS NAUGHTY!
THEY'RE NOT JUST NAUGHTY, THEY'RE NEO-NAUGHTZIS.
(METAL DOORS SLAM SHUT) >> CATHY, WE MUST PROTECT THE
LIST! YOU HEAD TO THE CHAMBER.
I'LL BAKE THESE RIOTERS A FRESH BATCH OF
CHRISTMAS WHOOPASS. >> WHO'S HUNGRY FOR SECONDS?
>> THE LIST! >> HOO-HOO!
I TOLD YOU FANNIN' THE FLAMES OF A DELUDED BLOODTHIRSTY MOB HAD
NO BAD CONSEQUENCES! WE GOT THE LIST!!
>> I'M SANTA CRUZ! >> STOP THE SLEIGH!
>> RUDOLPH! TO CANCUN!
>> WHERE WE GLOW ONE, WE GLOW ALL.
>> RUDOLPH! NO!
>> HAHA! NOW 'WE' SAY WHO GETS ALL THE
PRESENTS! SO LET THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE
FINALLY BE DONE. TED CRUZ.
TED CRUZ.
>> WHAT WAS THAT? IT'S SANTA!
HE'S GOT A CHRISTIAN SPACE LASER!
>> AH! GET HIM OFF!
HE'S TOO HEAVY! >> SUCK YOUR OWN SACK, SANTA!
>> WHERE'D HE GO? >> TED.
GET OFF MY SLEIGH. >> I'VE LEARNED NOTHING!!
>> NOW, MARJORIE... >> DON'T YOU MOVE, FAT MAN...
OR THE VENISON BURGER GETS IT! >> HEY, I'M ON YOUR SIDE!
>> MARJORIE, PLEASE, DON'T KILL RUDOLPH.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! WELL, ACTUALLY...
>> I JUST WANT MY PRESENTS! I'M A NICE GIRL!
>> SANTA! >> RUDOLPH, WITH YOUR NOSE SO
BRIGHT... >> ... LET ME GUIDE YOUR SLEIGH
TONIGHT! >> MY EYES! AGH!
>> DANG IT! >> I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS.
>> SANTA, I'M SORRY. >> LATER!
THIS LANDING'S GONNA BE A REAL NUTCRACKER!
>> THE LIST IS NO MORE! WE CONTROL CHRISTMAS
FUTURE! TELL US, O SCROOGE-ANON, HOW
SHALL WE FULFILL YOUR SACRED PROPHECY NOW?
(MESSAGE BLOOP) >> SCROOGE-ANON SAYS TO POOP ON
STUFF! (CROWD CHEERS)
>> O SCROOGEY ONE, THEN I AM YOUR HUMBLE INSTRUMENT.
AID ME, TACTICAL TACO. ( CRASHING )
>> OH MY GOD, WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS!
>> AWESOME! >> ENOUGH OF THIS SCROOGE -ANON-
SENSE! RUDOLPH, ARE YOU OK?
>> I AM NOW, SANTA. >> IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> NOW AS FOR THE REST OF YOU. JUST WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO
ACHIEVE HERE TODAY? TO KILL SANTA CLAUS?
WELL YOU CAN'T KILL SANTA. BECAUSE SANTA IS A STORY.
A STORY ALL OF YOU BELIEVED AS CHILDREN.
THE STORY OF A GROUP OF POWERFUL BEINGS WORKING TOGETHER TO BE
NICE. BUT FOR SOME REASON, WHEN YOU
GREW UP, YOU STARTED BELIEVING IN POWERFUL BEINGS WORKING
TOGETHER TO BE NAUGHTY. I MEAN, CRAZY NAUGHTY.
EATING BABIES IN PIZZA PARLORS NAUGHTY.
WELL, I SAY, IF YOU CAN MAKE UP A STORY OUTLANDISH ENOUGH TO
BELIEVE THE WORST OF EACH OTHER, THEN MAYBE, YOU CAN MAKE UP A
STORY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THE BEST.
AND I'VE GOT ONE, RIGHT HERE. IT'S THE STORY OF HOW SANTA
CLAUS AMENDED HIS PROCESS FOR ONE YEAR, TO REFLECT WHAT HE
BELIEVED PEOPLE COULD BE. MADAME CHAIR, LET US RESUME THE
CEREMONY. >> I CALL UPON THE ELF ON THE
SHELF FROM... THE NORTH POLE! >> THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM THE
NORTH POLE DECLARES... THIS YEAR,
0 NAUGHTY, 100% NICE! > MAY MY SACK BE FILLED
ACCORDINGLY! ( CHEERING )
>> BUT YOU GUYS ARE STILL GOING TO JAIL.
>> THAT 'IS' A GOOD STORY, KRIS!!
>> HEY! I GOT A SHIV! >> MERRY SHIV-MAS!
>> BUT SANTA, THE SLEIGH IS COMPLETELY FIGGED.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DELIVER THE PRESENTS?!
>> HO HO, NOT TO WORRY. SANTA MADE HIS OWN WISH THIS
YEAR. TO BEAT JEFF BEZOS IN THE SPACE
RACE! ( MOTORS WORKING )
>> SANTA, HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS SPACE SHIP LOOKS LIKE A GIANT--
>> SNOWMAN! IT'S A SNOWMAN, NOTHING ELSE!
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, >> AND TO ALL... YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S BLUR THE SPACE SHIP JIMMY. >> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANDERSON COOPER! HO, HO, HO!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
( APPLAUSE ) -- MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
CORRESPONDENT FOR "60 MINUTES" AND THE HOST OF
"ANDERSON COOPER 360."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," ANDERSON COOPER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> IT'S MY PLEASURE. LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR, WOW.
>> Stephen: SPECIAL, SPECIAL SLOT, LAST GUEST OF 2021.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A FANTASTIC GUEST, JUST WONDERFUL COMPANY TO
BE WITH. >> WELL, NOW YOU'VE SET THE BAR
VERY HIGH. >> Stephen: EVERY WORD FROM
YOUR MOUTH IS A PEARL OF WISDOM ( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE AN EASY GUEST BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO PROFESSIONALLY TALK
ON CAMERA. >> AND I DON'T ROLL DEEP.
I DON'T HAVE A BIG ENTOURAGE. >> Stephen: NO, IT'S JUST YOU.
LIKE BETTY WHITE, HAS A HUGE ENTOURAGE.
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. SHE HAS HER OWN OMELETTE CHEF.
EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. >> REALLY?
>> Stephen: FRIDAY AT T >> Stephen: FRITATAS.
I KNEW A GUY NAMED RUDOLPH STANSH, HE WAS SO FAMOUS AS AN
OMELETTE CHEF HE HAD HIS OWN LINE OF OMELETTE FRYING PANS.
THIS WAS THE 19 UP0s. >> Stephen: WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT YOU WERE A VANDERBILT? WOULD NOT HAVE GUESSED IT!
NO, THESE WERE TOP TIER! THESE WERE TOP TIER OMELETTE
CHEFS! NOT THE GUY WORKING THE LINE AT
THE BENNIGAN'S ON THE SUNDAY BRUNCH!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE OVER AT CNN AND I KNOW
THE JOURNALISTS DON'T LIKE TO BE THE STORY, OR AT LEAST THAT'S
THE THING YOU GUYS SAY, BUT CNN IS THE STORY IN MANY WAYS RIGHT
NOW, CERTAINLY OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I MEAN, CHRIS CUOMO WAS LET GO, I WOULDN'T SAY SUDDENLY, BUT A
LITTLE SURPRISINGLY, WE DIDN'T NECESSARILY SEE IT COMING THAT
DAY. WERE PEOPLE SURPRISED AT THE
SHOP? >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SURPRISED
OVERALL, BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, THEN IT DID HAPPEN VERY QUICKLY.
>> Stephen: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR A YEAR AND THEN IT WAS IT
MIGHT HAPPEN -- >> PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED THE DAY
IT HAPPENED WHEN IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW THAT NIGHT?
DID YOU KNOW BEFORE IT HAPPENED? >> NO, I HAD NO IDEA.
>> Stephen: YOU FOUND OUT FROM WATCHING TV.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T HAVE A
STAFF MEETING AND SAY, WE'RE GOING TO TELL EVERYBODY CHRIS
ISN'T HERE. >> NO.
THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A STAFF MEETING AND SAY WE'RE GOING TO
DO THIS THING BUT DON'T TELL ANYBODY?
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WOULD DO.
THE CORPORATION WOULD LET THE EMPLOYEES KNOW YOU MAY BE
CONTACTED BY OUTSIDE MEMBERS OF THE PROCESS BECAUSE WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE NEWS BY CANCELING OUR NUMBER ONE SHOW!
>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK CBS DOES THAT.
>> Stephen: I KNOW EVERYONE WHO GETS FIRED AT CBS.
>> REALLY? 100%.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A MOCKER.
>> Stephen: I KNOW PEOPLE WHO ARE BEING FIRED TONIGHT!
( LAUGHTER ) >> MAN...
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
DID YOU THINK IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
>> LOOK, ANYTIME -- LOOK, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING PAD TO
HAPPEN TO SOMEBODY WHO IS A COLLEAGUE AND A FRIEND OF MINE,
AND I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY.
THAT BEING SAID, LOOK, JOURNALISTS HAVE STRICT ETHICS
AND STRICT RULES THAT WE ARE TO ABIDE BY AND IF YOU DON'T ABIDE
BY THEM, THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS.
I WISH CHRIS THE BEST AND I'M SORRY FOR HOW ALL THIS PLAYED
OUT AND, YOU KNOW, I HATE THIS FOR HIS FAMILY, BUT THIS IS --
YOU KNOW, IT'S A BUSINESS WITH VERY BIG RESPONSIBILITIES AND
THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS. >> Stephen: HOW IS DON LEMONS,
IS HE OKAY? >> THEY SEEM CLOSE.
THEY'RE VERY GOOD FRIENDS. >> Stephen: AND DON WEARS HIS
HEART ON HIS SLEEVE. YOU QUITE DON'T TALK?
>> YOU COULD PROBABLY INVITE DON ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: NOT DOING THAT. BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST SHOW OF
THE YEAR. >> Stephen: I WOULD IF WE HAD
A SHOW TOMORROW. DON, YOU WOULD BE HERE.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: BUT ANDERSON SAID,
DON'T INVITE DON, ONLY ME. >> THE FIRST CALL I GOT AFTER
CHRIS CUOMO WAS -- >> Stephen: IT WOULD BE GOOD.
HE FEELS HE IS FULLY QUALIFIED TO HOST A PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE BECAUSE HE HOSTED THE HOUSE WIVES REUNION.
>> Stephen: I 100% AGREE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH ANDERSON
COOPER. ANDERSON, I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE
BOTTOM OF THIS STORY AND YOU'RE THE PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT
THIS. >> YEAH, SURE.
>> Stephen: 2019, "TIME MAGAZINE" MAN OF THE YEAR,
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, THAT'S AN ISSUE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: AN DICOHEN'S BABY
CUTEST BABY ALIVE. >> VERY SWEET BABY.
>> Stephen: 2020, CUTEST BABY ALIVE WAS YOUR SON WYATT COOPER.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
>> BY THE WAY, HE IS UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ME.
>> Stephen: WHY, BECAUSE HE'S SO OLD NOW?
>> I SAID, I DIDN'T KNOW WINSTON CHURCHILL WAS MY BABY!
AT THAT MOMENT, IF YOU TOLD ME THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE, I
WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE, THAT'S NOT MY KID.
WHEN I SAW HIM AT THAT MOMENT, I THOUGHT THAT'S THE CUTEST BABY.
AND I LOOK AT HIM AND SAY WHO IS THAT CHILD?
I DON'T REMEMBER HIM LOOKING QUITE SO, UM, ROUND AND JUST BIG
AND, LIKE -- >> Stephen: CAN HE TALK?
OH, YEAH. HE SAYS LOTS OF WORDS.
>> Stephen: PAINTINGS. PAINTINGS.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS ONE OF HIS FIRST WORDS.
>> SHOES. HE LOVES SHOES.
SHOES! EVERY MORNING, FIRST THING HE
DOES WHEN WE WAKE UP, WE PUT ON THE WINDOW SILL AND HE COMMENTS
ON PEOPLE'S SHOES AS THEY WALK BY.
>> Stephen: IMAGINE A PAINTING OF A SHOE WOULD FREAK HIM OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE QUESTION, THIS IS WHERE THE
INTERVIEW GETS TOUGH, OKAY, READY FOR THE HARD-HITTING
QUESTIONS? THIS IS 2019, AN DI'S BABY
BENJAMIN, VERY CUTE. CUTEST BABY 2020 WYATT.
2021, PAUL RUDD IS ON THE COVER. >> ON THE COVER?
>> Stephen: PAUL RUDD SEXIEST MAN ALIVE THIS YEAR.
CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE. >> I LIKE PAUL RUDD.
>> Stephen: HE'S SURPRISED. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THERE IS NO CUTEST BABY ALIVE IN THIS YEAR'S ISSUE.
DOES THAT MEAN -- >> YES.
>> Stephen: DOES WYATT STILL REIGN?
>> THEY RETIRED IT. THEY WERE, LIKE, WE'RE DONE.
>> Stephen: THEY LIFTED HIS ONESIE UP TO THE RAFTERS?
>> EXACTLY. YOU GO INTO THE "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE LOBBY, HIS SOILED ONESIE IS IN --
>> Stephen: WELL, AT A TIME OF CRISIS YOU CAN'T CHANGE HORSES.
>> STICK WITH WYATT. >> Stephen: HE'S THE F.D.R. OF
CUTE BABIES. STICK WITH WHAT'S WORKING NOW.
IS THIS A TOY. >> YEAH.
THIS IS HIS HALLOW DEAN COSTUME WIZ A VENTIVE BATMAN COSTUME.
HIS FAVORITE TOY IS OUR CLEANING PRODUCTS.
THE FIRST IS THIS IS A LITTLE -- THIS IS A BROOM THAT I BOUGH
ONLINE, BUT THIS MY NANNY GOT AND IT'S THE MOST GENIUS TOY
EITHER. DYSON WHO MAKES THE COOLEST
VACUUM CLEANERS EVER, THEY MAKE A FAKE CHILD'S VACUUM CLEANER,
AND IT IS ALL HE CARES ABOUT. IT IS THE FIRST THING AFTER HE
COMMENTS ON PEOPLE'S SHOES ON THE STREET IN THE MORNING THAT
HE GRAVITATES TO. >> Stephen: WHY FAKE?
I'M SURE THE KID'S ARM WOULD BE SUCKED UP INTO THE VACUUM.
>> Stephen: NEVER LOSES SUCTION.
>> MAKES THE SOUND, GOT THE THING, AND THE LITTLE COLORED
THINGS THAT GO IN IT, IT'S THE GREATEST TOY EVER.
IT'S, LIKE, 20 BUCKS. >> Stephen: THAT IS QUITE AN
ENDORSEMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WITH THE MASK ON. WE HAD TO HAVE ONE PHOTO.
REMEMBER THE CUTEST BABY ALIVE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ANYMORE?
HERE'S THE CUTEST BABY AND WHY YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM NOW
BECAUSE HERE'S WYATT. THERE HE IS.
>> YEAH,. >> Stephen: HE'S VERY SWEET.
HE SWAM IN THE OCEAN FOR THE FIRST TIME.
ANOTHER BIG MILESTONE. >> Stephen: VERY PLEASANT.
WHEN DO WE ACTUALLY START RECORDING?
WHEN DOES THE SHOW START? >> Stephen: THIS IS AN
ELABORATE PRANK. THERE'S NO --
( LAUGHTER ) >> WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER
BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, ANDERSON AND
I ARE GOING TO DO SHOTS. STICK AROUND!
>> Stephen: HEY! HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF S"ANDERSON COOPER 360".
WHAT DO YOU CALL NEW YEAR'S EVE? >> RYAN SECREST'S ROCKING NEW
YEAR'S EVE. >> Stephen: STARRING --
NO, IT'S JUST -- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST NEW YEAR'S EVE.
IT'S CNN'S NEW YEAR'S EVE. >> Stephen: JUST THE FACTS,
MAN. IT'S NEWYEAR'S EVE.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? >> IT'S AC2 NEW YEAR'S.
WE'RE IN TIMES SQUARE AND WE'VE GOT FOUR AND A HALF HOURS.
YOU KINDLY HAD A SHOT WITH US LAST TIME.
>> Stephen: I DID. I'M ACTUALLY TRAVELING NW
YEAR'S EVE. I CAN'T DO IT, I'M SORRY.
>> DOES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT? THAT'S OKAY, YOU WERE HERE LAST
YEAR. >> Stephen: I WILL SEND YOU A
COPY OF MY BOARDING PASS. I'LL DO A SHOT WITH YOU RIGHT
NOW. DO YOU WANT TO DO A SHOT RIGHT
NOW? >> SURE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS YOU KNOW, I DON'T DRINK,
ACTUALLY. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T DRINK.
AND YOU HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT. >> AND I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
DRINKING. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE A
FAST LEARNER. WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP FROM YOU
LAST YEAR. >> ANDY DRINKS ON NEW YEAR'S
DAY. >> Stephen: PEER PRESSURE.
YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP OF
YOU LAST YEAR OF ALL THE SHOTS YOU DID AND SOME OF YOUR
REACTIONS TO THE SHOTS. IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR AND IT
GETS MORE INTENSE EVERY YEAR. YOU GET LESS GOOD AT IT.
>> I GET WORSE AT IT, YEAH. >> Stephen: JIM.
LET'S DO IT! ( LAUGHTER )
>> DID THAT SHOT GET YOU A LITTLE DRUNK?
YOU SEEM A LITTLE SLURRY. >> CLAP, IT'S LIKE, CLAP THOSE
LITTLE HANDS! SHAKE THOSE TINY HANDS!
CLAP THOSE LITTLE HANDS! OH OH!
WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS. >> THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS? WAT IS THIS?
THAT'S GEORGE CLOONEY HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL THINGS.
>> WOW, OKAY. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE
SALT? >> NO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO THIS?
OH! SNOWOH, BROTHER.
>> I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
THERE YOU GO. YOU HAVE A TODDLER, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS LIKE. I'M SURE WYATT KNOCKS OVER HIS
TEQUILA ALL THE TIME. SO THERE WE GO.
THERE IT IS. I KNOW WHO'S GETTING FIRED
TONIGHT, AND IT'S ME. >> I'VE GOT A SHOW TONIGHT.
I GO ON THE AIR IN TWO HOURS. >> Stephen:
>> Stephen: YOU DO THIS. YOU LICK RIGHT HERE.
>> REALLY? >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO LICK
IT FIRST OR THE SALT WON'T STICK.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!
ARE THESE CODE WORDS? >> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT A
CODE WORD. >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO THEN YOU LICK THIS, TAKE A SHOT AND THEN
YOU DO THE BITE, OKAY? >> ONLY.
>> Stephen: OKAY? YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT.
THEN YOU BITE THE LIME. >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY? HOLD ON TO THE LIME.
>> Stephen: OKAY. READY?
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I'LL DO THAT. YOU KNOW TO HOLD IT.
>> YEAH. THAT'S MY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( COUGHING )
>> Stephen: FELIZ NAVIDAD! RING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH
ANDERSON BY WATCHING CNN'S LIVE NEW YEARS EVE COVERAGE.
ANDERSON COOPER, EVERYBODY! WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL DEBUT A
WHOLE SLATE OF BRAND NEW CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW" FOR 2021!
WOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! JAMES CORDEN'S NEXT!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES! GOOD NIGHT!