1
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:06,039
GAMES FOR THE FIRST TIME
THIS SEASON BECAUSE OF COVID
2
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:08,174
CONCERNS.
OFFICIALS ARE RESCHEDULING
GAMES
3
00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:12,178
FOR THE CHICAGO BULLS AFTER
TEN PLAYERS AND SEVERAL
STAFF
4
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:16,116
MEMBERS TESTED POSITIVE,
LEAVING THE TEAM SHORTHANDED
FOR
5
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,184
TONIGHT'S GAME.
6
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:28,128
>> AND, NOW, THE STARTING
LINEUP FOR YOUR CHICAGO
BULLS!
7
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:32,165
SHOOTING GUARD FROM SEAT
NUMBER 432 -- THIS GUY THAT
WAS ON HIS
8
00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:38,738
WAY TO THE BATHROOM!
FAST FORWARDS OUT OF CIRQUE
DU
9
00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:41,975
SOLEIL -- THE TUMBLING
SCARDINO BROTHERS!
10
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,710
THE POINT GUARD FROM BEST
BUY -- THIS BOOM BOX PLAYING
THE MUSIC
11
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:47,180
YOU'RE HEARING IN THE
BACKGROUND!
12
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:57,123
AND AT CENTER, FAN FAVORITE
DENNIS RODMAN'S -- DOG!
13
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,159
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S TIPOFF AND TWO MINUTES
INTO
14
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:03,229
THE GAME --
THE SCORE IS 138 TO 0!
15
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:08,001
ROUGH START FOR THE BULLS!
AND LOOKS LIKE THIS YEAR'S
16
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,036
CHAMPION IS THE OMICRON
VARIANT!
17
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:18,545
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
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00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:22,715
TONIGHT, HOUSE OF HORRORS.
AND A LATE SHOW ANIMATED
19
00:01:22,782 --> 00:01:30,023
CHRISTMAS SUPERB!
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
ANDERSON
20
00:01:30,089 --> 00:01:35,028
COOPER!
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND
"STAY
21
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:39,032
HUMAN"!
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM
THE ED
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00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:41,100
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
23
00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,386
>> Stephen: WHOO!
24
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,434
WHOO!
WHOO!
25
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:15,635
WHOO!
WHOO!
26
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,804
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME!
27
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:21,407
OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT A
FEELING, WHAT A WONDERFUL
FEELING TO BE
28
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,610
WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
29
00:02:23,676 --> 00:02:26,379
IT'S NICE TO BE HOME WITH
ALL OF YOU.
30
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:29,883
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT.
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00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,551
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
32
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:36,823
>> Stephen: BREATHE EASY,
JUST LET A LITTLE BIT GO,
ALREADY
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00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:41,661
BECAUSE WE MADE IT.
THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF
2021.
34
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,963
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: 2021.
35
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:48,401
>> Stephen: IF I COULD SUM
UP THE YEAR IN ONE SENTENCE,
CBS
36
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:54,541
WOULD BLEEP IT.
MAN, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR
37
00:02:54,607 --> 00:03:02,482
STARTING WITH AN ATTEMPT TO
OVERTHROW OUR DEMOCRACY,
38
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,117
THIS WEEK, THE HOUSE'S
SELECT COMMITTEE ON JANUARY
6TH HAS
39
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,685
SHARED A LOT OF DISTURBING
DETAILS ABOUT THE RUN UP TO
THAT
40
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,086
DAY, COURTESY OF FORMER
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF,
AND MAN
41
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,422
TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT
COMES AFTER TWO, MARK
MEADOWS.
42
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,658
THIS WEEK, THE COMMITTEE HAS
RELEASED A BUNCH OF MEADOWS'
43
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,126
TEXT MESSAGES, INCLUDING
THIS ONE FROM A MYSTERY
44
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:17,230
LAWMAKER: "ON JANUARY 6,
2021, VICE PRESIDENT MIKE
PENCE
45
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:19,032
AS PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE,
SHOULD CALL OUT ALL
ELECTORAL
46
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:21,968
VOTES THAT HE BELIEVES ARE
UNCONSTITUTIONAL AS NO
ELECTORAL
47
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,236
VOTES AT ALL."
NO! YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT KIND
OF
48
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:27,907
POWER TO MIKE PENCE.
IT'LL BE LIKE FOOTLOOSE.
49
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:32,011
HE'LL BAN DANCING AND MAKE
US ALL CALL OUR WIVES
"MOTHER."
50
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:34,380
( LAUGHTER )
THEY DON'T MAKE OUR NATIONAL
51
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:39,218
BIRD THE SALTINE!
( LAUGHTER )
52
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,755
IT'S A LITTLE SPICEY FOR
MIKE. ( LAUGHTER )
53
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,091
WELL, LAST NIGHT WE LEARNED
THE IDENTITY OF THIS MYSTERY
54
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:50,396
LAWMAKER, IT'S NONE OTHER
THAN: OHIO CONGRESSMAN AND
CAVEMAN
55
00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:54,400
WITH A G.E.D., JIM JORDAN.
( BOOING )
56
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,269
JORDAN'S OFFICE ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT HE SENT THE MESSAGE,
BUT
57
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:58,404
THEY HAD AN EXPLANATION:
"MR. JORDAN FORWARDED THE
TEXT
58
00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:01,708
TO MR. MEADOWS, AND MR.
MEADOWS CERTAINLY KNEW IT
WAS A
59
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:05,311
FORWARD."
SO WHAT??
60
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:08,348
THAT'S NOT A DEFENSE.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I
DIDN'T
61
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:11,417
COOK THE METH, I JUST SOLD
IT AT THE GYMBOREE.
62
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:14,020
( LAUGHTER )
THOSE TODDLERS ARE GOING
63
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,823
TO LOSE THEIR TEETH ANYWAY."
( LAUGHTER )
64
00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:18,458
THIS TEXT IS BAD, BUT,
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT,
IT WAS JUST A
65
00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:22,495
SMALL PART OF A MONTHS LONG
CAMPAIGN OF SUBVERSION BY A
HALF
66
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:26,299
DOZEN REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS:
JIM JORDAN
67
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,468
SCOTT PERRY
PAUL GOSAR
68
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:29,302
LOUIS GOHMERT
MO BROOKS, AND
69
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:34,474
ANDY BIGGS.
ALSO KNOWN AS
70
00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:46,486
"STEAL TEAM DICKS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
71
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:48,454
AFTER THE ELECTION, THE
DICKS DEVELOPED A BLUEPRINT
FOR THE
72
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,490
FORMER PRESIDENT'S
SUPPORTERS IN CONGRESS:
73
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:53,059
TO HAMMER HOME THE
IDEA THAT THE ELECTION WAS
74
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,494
TAINTED.
THEN, THEY WENT ON CABLE
75
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:58,898
TELEVISION, RADIO SHOWS, AND
RALLIES TO PROMOTE THE IDEA
76
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:03,803
STARTED DRUMMING UP SUPPORT
TO DERAIL THE TRANSFER OF
POWER,
77
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,372
AND FINALLY PLOTTED TO
DISRUPT THE CERTIFICATION ON
78
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:11,244
JANUARY 6TH OF JOE BIDEN'S
VICTORY.
79
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,945
THEN, ON JANUARY 6TH, ALL
SIX LAWMAKERS WERE INSIDE
THE
80
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:17,250
CAPITOL, READY TO PROTEST
THE CERTIFICATION, BUT RIGHT
81
00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:18,618
BEFORE THEY COULD, SECURITY
FORCES ENTERED THE CHAMBER
82
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:22,255
BECAUSE RIOTERS WERE IN THE
BUILDING.
83
00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:25,658
SO THEY WERE READY TO REJECT
THE DELEGATES, SEIZE THE
BALLOTS,
84
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:28,094
AND OVERTURN THE ELECTION
BUT THEY WERE INTERRUPTED BY
THE
85
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:32,231
OUT-OF CONTROL MOB THAT
THEIR LIES CREATED.
86
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,267
REMINDS ME OF THE WORDS OF
FOUNDING FATHER BENJAMIN
87
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:36,502
FRANKENSTEIN:
(AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN)
88
00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:38,271
"NO, NO, I'M HEARING REPORTS
IT WAS 'ANTIFA' WHO
DESTROYED YOUR
89
00:05:38,337 --> 00:05:45,511
VILLAGE!"
( LAUGHTER )
90
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,814
( APPLAUSE )
DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT
91
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,683
I LIKE IT!
IF THEY HAD SUCCEEDED, THE
OVAL
92
00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:53,086
OFFICE WOULD STILL BE
OCCUPIED BY FORMER PRESIDENT
93
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:59,092
"SCHMUCK A L'ORANGE."
( LAUGHTER )
94
00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:05,131
TODAY, "DOUCHE BIGALOW" SAT
DOWN FOR A NEWSMAX
INTERVIEW, AND
95
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,668
CLAIMED VICTORY IN THE
TOTALLY MADE UP "WAR ON
CHRISTMAS."
96
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,670
(DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERNEATH)
>> WHEN I STARTED
CAMPAIGNING,
97
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:13,906
THIS WAS IN 2015, WHEN I
STARTED CAMPAIGNING, I SAID,
YOU'RE
98
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:16,909
GOING TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS
AGAIN, AND NOW PEOPLE ARE
SAYING
99
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,344
IT.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE NOT
SAYING A
100
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:22,315
LOT OF OTHER THINGS LIKE
GEORGE WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM
LINCOLN,
101
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:28,721
THOMAS JEFFERSON.
>> STEPHEN: YES!
102
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,323
SO TRUE!
WHY AREN'T PEOPLE SAYING
"MERRY
103
00:06:30,389 --> 00:06:31,657
ABRAHAM
LINCOLN" AND "A HAPPY NEW
104
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,893
JEFFERSON?"
WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WOULD
CHOP
105
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,161
DOWN A GEORGE WASHINGTON,
PUT IT UP IN THE LIVING
ROOM, AND
106
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,631
DECORATE IT WITH WOODEN
TEETH ( LAUGHTER )
107
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:46,339
BUT THE KIDS WITH THEIR
VIDEO GAMES.
108
00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:48,441
AND YOUR TAMAGACCIS
( PIANO RIFF )
109
00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:49,442
HE HAD MORE THOUGHTS:
>> AMERICA
110
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,577
LOVES CHRISTMAS.
>> YEAH.
111
00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:53,146
>> AND WHETHER YOU'RE
MUSLIM, WHETHER YOU'RE
CHRISTIAN,
112
00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:57,083
WHETHER YOU'RE JEWISH.
EVERYONE LOVES CHRISTMAS.
113
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:57,950
>> Stephen: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
114
00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:03,356
IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHY TRADITIONALLY, ON
115
00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:05,191
CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU LEAVE
SANTA A GLASS OF WARM
MANISCHEWITZ AND A
116
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:14,367
CHICKEN SHAWARMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
117
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,435
DELICIOUS.
( PIANO RIFF )
118
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:21,040
HE IS -- WHAT'S THE WORD --
INSANE.
119
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:21,974
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, I LOVE CHRISTMAS, BUT
I'M
120
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,309
SURE SOME PEOPLE DON'T.
AND THAT'S OKAY!
121
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,245
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN
THING! JUST LIKE I LOVE MY
WIFE, EVIE,
122
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:29,215
BUT IT'S FINE WITH ME THAT
OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
HAVE THEIR
123
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,784
OWN SPOUSES.
( LAUGHTER )
124
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,487
ALTHOUGH, SUCKS FOR THEM.
I DID GET THE BEST ONE.
125
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:45,965
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, IF AMERICA
REMAINS
126
00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:48,534
THIS DIVIDED, WE MAY HAVE TO
SOLVE THINGS THE OLD
FASHIONED
127
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:52,371
WAY, LIKE IN SOUTH AMERICA,
WHERE BRAZILIAN POLITICIANS
ARE
128
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:56,809
NOW SETTLING DISPUTES WITH
M.M.A. FIGHTING.
129
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,878
M.M.A.-- FROM NOW ON, THE
SECOND MOST PAINFUL THING I
ASSOCIATE
130
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:05,651
WITH THE WORD "BRAZILIAN."
( LAUGHTER )
131
00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:07,119
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
132
00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:14,460
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. IT KEEPS YOU
SLIPPERY, EXACTLY
133
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:15,661
RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
134
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:21,634
THE MATCH PITTED SIMAO
PEIXOTO, A 39-YEAR-OLD
MAYOR, AGAINST
135
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:25,938
FORMER COUNCILOR ERINEU
ALVES DA SILVA, AGED 45.
136
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,374
THE TWO RESORTED TO
FISTICUFFS AFTER SILVA
BLAMED PEIXOTO FOR
137
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:32,445
ALLEGEDLY FAILING TO
CONSERVE A WATERPARK.
138
00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:35,081
THAT'S GONNA MAKE FOR SOME
RIVETING TRASH TALK.
139
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,515
(AS AGGRO FIGHTER)
"THIS JABRONI WOULDN'T KNOW
HOW
140
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:39,752
TO RELAX WITH FRIENDS ON A
RIVERBANK IF HIS
RECREATIONAL
141
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:42,521
APPRECIATION OF NATURE
DEPENDED ON IT!
142
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,423
I'LL DROP YOU FASTER THAN
THE BEAUTIFUL FOLIAGE THAT
GENTLY
143
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:50,196
CARESSES THE WATER'S EDGE,
BROTHER!"
144
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:55,268
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAND ME A FOLDING CHAIR!
145
00:08:55,334 --> 00:09:04,510
LOO!
ALL IN ALL, THE MATCH WENT
THREE
146
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,914
ROUNDS.
BUT REMEMBER THEY'RE 39 ANDs
147
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:16,489
45.
IT WOULD BE TOUGHER FOR OUR
148
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:20,226
POLITICIANS.
(AS RING ANNOUNCER)
149
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,460
IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN
AT "BARELY ALIVE," IT'S THE
TERROR
150
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,095
FROM THE JURASSIC ERA, CHUCK
GRASSLEY.
151
00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:24,430
AND HIS OPPONENT, BEING
CARRIED IN BUBBLE WRAP
BECAUSE HER BONES
152
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:25,798
ARE MADE FROM CANDY-CANES
IT'S DIANNE "PAPER-SKIN"
FEINSTEIN.
153
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,033
DING-DING, AND THERE'S THE
BELL! THAT MEANS IT'S TIME
FOR ONE OF
154
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,769
THEM TO TAKE A NAP!
AND NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD.
155
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:30,903
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYONE IS DEAD.
156
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:36,475
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
IN PANDEMIC NEWS, THERE'S
WAY
157
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:40,513
TOO MUCH PANDEMIC NEWS.
RIGHT NOW, THE U.S. IS
AVERAGING
158
00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:43,182
CLOSE TO 120,000 NEW COVID
CASES EACH DAY, WHICH IS 50%
MORE THAN
159
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,653
A MONTH AGO.
NO!
160
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:48,721
NO!
THIS HAS TO END!
161
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:49,455
THIS PANDEMIC FEELS LIKE
THE FIRST TIME YOU GO TO A
162
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,991
CATHOLIC WEDDING.
(WHISPERING)
163
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:54,627
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT
OVER ( LAUGHTER )
164
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:56,429
WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR AN HOUR.
THAT WAS JUST THE MASS?
165
00:09:56,495 --> 00:10:00,399
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED
THE WEDDING YET?
166
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:04,503
( APPLAUSE )
DO I STAND UP?
167
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,773
SIT DOWN?
DO I KNEEL?
168
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,776
HOW MANY POSITIONS DO I HAVE
TO TAKE?
169
00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:12,511
THIS IS LIKE CROSS-FIT.
NOW I KNOW WHY JESUS WAS SO
170
00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:15,414
CUT."
OMICRON MIGHT BE THE NEW
VARIANT
171
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,683
ON THE BLOCK, BUT DELTA IS
STILL GOING STRONG.
172
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,318
WHICH MEANS NOW, THE NATION
FACES A DOUBLE CORONAVIRUS
173
00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:24,490
SURGE.
SO TO BE SAFE: DOUBLE MASK,
174
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:31,330
DOUBLE DISTANCE, AND
DOUBLE FIST IT.
175
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,399
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
176
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,147
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
177
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:51,584
SAFETY FIRST.
SAFETY FIRST.
178
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,753
THE COVID SURGE HAS HIT
THE , WHERE AROUND 100
PLAYERS HAVE
179
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,588
TESTED POSITIVE IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS.
180
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:58,157
THAT'S ROUGH.
A LOT OF THOSE GUYS WERE
181
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,592
SUPPOSED TO PLAY KEY PARTS
IN THIS SUNDAY'S INSURANCE
182
00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:02,928
COMMERCIALS.
( LAUGHTER )
183
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,064
AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF
FOOTBALL PLAYERS TRYING TO
AVOID OMICRON:
184
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,700
>> GOING DEEP.
HE'S GOT WATKINS.
185
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:14,206
AND BUCKLE UP, HERE HE GOES!
AND --
186
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:22,014
>> (OBVIOUSLY DUBBED) COVID
>> -- BRINGS HIM DOWN!
187
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:22,748
STILL --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
188
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:23,749
SURE.
THE HIGHLIGHTS.
189
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,618
YOU GOT TO JUKE HIM.
STILL THE BEST PLAY THE JETS
190
00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:27,953
HAVE MADE ALL YEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
191
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:33,459
BUT HERE'S THE POSITIVE
ABOUT ALL THE POSITIVES:
VACCINES
192
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:37,630
WORK.
IT'S NOT JUST PROFESSIONAL
193
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:38,931
BROADWAY IS FEELING THE
AFFECTS OF OMICRON, JUST
YESTERDAY, THEY
194
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:41,634
CANCELLED SHOWS FOR
"HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED
195
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:42,735
CHILD" AND THE TINA TURNER
JUKEBOX MUSICAL, "TINA."
196
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:48,641
OH NO!
NOT TINA.
197
00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:52,278
SHE JUST LEFT THAT GOOD JOB
IN THE CITY.
198
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:56,182
( LAUGHTER )
WORKIN' FOR THE MAN EVERY
NIGHT
199
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:57,850
AND DAY!
>> Jon: YES!
200
00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:00,653
>> Stephen: SHE NEVER LOST A
MINUTE OF SLEEPIN'.
201
00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:07,293
>> Jon: SHE NEVER DID.
>> Stephen: WORIN WORE
YIPPING T
202
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:10,463
THE WAY THINGS MIGHT HAVE
BEEN. ( LAUGHTER )
203
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:11,630
IT'S NOT JUST THOSE SHOWS.
THERE WERE ALSO CONFIRMED
CASES
204
00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:12,865
IN "FREESTYLE LOVE SUPREME,"
"AIN'T TOO PROUD," "MRS.
205
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,867
DOUBTFIRE," AND "WICKED."
JUST TO BE SAFE, FOR THE
NEXT 10
206
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:18,938
DAYS, GLINDA WILL BE
QUARANTINING IN A BUBBLE.
207
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:20,339
( LAUGHTER )
I FEEL BAD FOR ALL THOSE
TICKET
208
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:24,343
HOLDERS WHO MISSED THEIR
SHOWS, SO I'M GOING TO DO MY
209
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:31,150
BEST TO GIVE THEM A LITTLE
BROADWAY SPARKLE RIGHT NOW.
210
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,685
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FROM ONE OF THE SHOWS THAT
GOT
211
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:35,721
CANCELED:
THE MRS. DOUBTFIRE MUSICAL.
212
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,156
WHICH I HAVE NOT SEEN, BUT I
ASSUME GOES A LITTLE
SOMETHING
213
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:40,326
LIKE THIS:
(JON PLAYS OPENING CHORDS
214
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:49,034
TO ALEXANDER HAMILTON)
♪ DAD IS MRS. DOUBTFIRE ♪
215
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:55,474
♪ I THINK OUR DAD IS
MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
216
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:57,943
THIS IS A WEIRD WAY TO GET
BACK AT MOM.
217
00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:02,515
IT'S NOT OKAY.
NOT OKAY ♪
218
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:07,019
AMERICA ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE
DEALING WITH OMICRON --
219
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:07,920
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
220
00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:11,023
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: YOU GOT THE SOUND!
221
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:14,593
>> Stephen: AMERICA'S NOT
THE ONLY ONE DEALING WITH
OMICRON,
222
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:26,005
IT'S MOVED EVEN FASTER
ACROSS THE POND.
223
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:27,439
IN EUROPE, EXPERTS PREDICT
IT WILL BE THE DOMINANT
COVID
224
00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:28,807
VARIANT WITHIN A MONTH.
THAT'S ROUGH.
225
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:30,075
IT MEANS CHRISTMAS IN THE U
.K. THIS YEAR IS GOING TO
LOOK LIKE
226
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,177
THIS:
>> HELLO! YOU THERE! BOY!
227
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:32,411
>> ME SIR?
>> YES. YOU MY GOOD FELLA.
228
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,846
WHAT
>> (OBVIOUS DUBBING) VARIANT
229
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:36,382
ARE WE ON?
>> VARIANT?
230
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:42,054
WHY IT'S OMICRON OF COURSE!
>> HELL NO!
231
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,222
(SLAM)
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU
232
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:44,456
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS
ANDERSON COOPER.
233
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:47,826
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR
NEW ANIMATED CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL!
234
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,895
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DON'T MISS IT!
235
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:36,208
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
236
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:48,821
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOT TO BRING IT
IN
237
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,056
STRONG.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JON, AND TO
238
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,292
EVERYBODY OVER THERE.
HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL
BREAK.
239
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:58,197
HOPE YOU SPEND A LOT OF
HAPPY TIME WITH YOUR LOVED
ONES OVER
240
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,865
THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO
CELEBRATE,
241
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:01,834
JON?
ANY BIG PLANS?
242
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,337
>> Jon: JUST BEING WITH THE
FAMILY AND CHERISHING LIFE.
243
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:08,841
THAT'S THE PLAN IS THAT
THAT'S LOVELY, YEAH.
244
00:15:08,907 --> 00:15:10,576
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S IT!
245
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:14,813
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I TELL A
LOT OF JOKES, BUT WHEN I
SAID
246
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,915
THIS WAS THE LAST SHOW OF
THE YEAR, I WAS DEAD
SERIOUS.
247
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:20,853
THIS HAS BEEN JUST A
SACK-POUNDER OF A YEAR.
248
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,554
AND AS IT COMES TO AN END, I
CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT
WHAT
249
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:25,958
HAPPENED BACK AT THE
BEGINNING. ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS?
250
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:40,906
CONSEQUENCES OF ANY KIND.
AND SOME OF THOSE MEMORY
FOAM
251
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:41,974
CONSEQUENCES OF ANY KIND.
AND SOME OF THOSE MEMORY
FOAM
252
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,843
SLIPPERS.
AT LEAST "THEY" WON'T FORGET
WHO
253
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:47,780
DID THIS.
BUT UNTIL THE JANUARY 6TH
254
00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,748
COMMITTEE GIVES US WHAT
WE'VE BEEN ASKING FOR, WE AT
THE LATE
255
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:52,951
SHOW HAVE OUR OWN HOLIDAY
OFFERING: A NEW ANIMATED
256
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:55,654
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL:
"A CONSPIRACY CAROL."
257
00:15:55,721 --> 00:16:04,396
AND EVERY WORD OF IT IS
TRUE.
258
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:08,867
>> OK, GUMDROP, READY FOR MY
BOOSTER SHOT OF HO-HO-HO-
DERNA!
259
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,136
GIVE ME THAT JOLLY JAB!
>> YOU SHOULD BE CHOCK FULL
OF
260
00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:13,872
SANTA-BODIES NOW, BOSS!
>> WONDERFUL.
261
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:14,907
NOW I'M ALL SET.
SO LONG AS THE VIRUS NEVER
262
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:20,913
MUTATES AGAIN.
(ALARM RINGS)
263
00:16:20,979 --> 00:16:22,214
>> OOP!
NO TIME FOR SIDE EFFECTS.
264
00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:25,351
I'M OFF TO CERTIFY THE
NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST, IN
THE KLAUS OF
265
00:16:25,417 --> 00:16:30,255
REPRESENTATIVES!
IT WAS IN THESE HOLLY-ED
HALLS
266
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:34,526
THAT JINGLE WASHINGTON
SIGNED THE CHRISTMAS
CONSTITUTION, AND
267
00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:36,395
FIRST UTTERED THOSE FAMOUS
WORDS, "PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD
268
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:41,734
WILL TOWARD MEN."
SON OF A GRINCH!
269
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,269
(SINGING ANGRILY)
>> JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE
BELLS,
270
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,939
WHERE IS JFK!...JR!
SANTA IS A LIZARD MAN,
271
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,240
IT'S TIME TO STOP THE
SLEIGH, HEY!
272
00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:50,142
>> OH NO.
IT'S THOSE CHESTNUTS FROM
273
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:52,511
SCROOGEANON.
>> THEY'RE PROTESTING
AGAINST
274
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,180
YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE
NAUGHTY LIST.
275
00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:56,615
>> WELL, THIS ISN'T HELPING
THEIR CASE.
276
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,884
(EMITTING A FERAL CRY)
>> DIE!!!!
277
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,285
>> THAT'S TWO HOT MUGS OF
CHRISTMAS COOCOO!
278
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:05,424
RUDOLPH!?
>> THE SNOWSTORM IS COMIN',
279
00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:09,428
SANTIFA!
>> YOU'RE IN SCROOGE-ANON
NOW!?
280
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:12,030
BUT, YOUR NOSE SO BRIGHT IS
MEANT TO GUIDE MY SLEIGH
281
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:17,436
TONIGHT.
>> WE'RE STOPPIN' THE
SLEIGH!
282
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:20,973
>> RUDY, WE'RE FAMILY!
>> DON'T LISTEN TO HIM REIN
-MAN.
283
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:23,442
'IS' PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET
POOR RUDOLPH JOIN IN ANY
REINDEER
284
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:27,045
GAMES.
HE'S NOT YOUR REAL DAD.
285
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,680
>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY. RUDOLPH,
YOUR MOTHER'S
286
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:35,454
GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
>> FACEBOOK IS MY MOTHER
NOW.
287
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,189
STOP THE SLEIGH!
(SOUND OF BELLS)
288
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,625
>> IT'S THE BELL OF RIGHTS!
COME ON!
289
00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:40,459
(CHEERING)
>> THE OFFICIAL CHECK-TWICE
290
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:42,761
CEREMONY!
(TRUMPETS SOUND OUT)
291
00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:47,433
AND NOW, TO CERTIFY THE
FINAL NAUGHTY AND NICE
TALLIES, I
292
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:51,170
YIELD THE FLOOR TO THE CHAIR
OF THE LIST.
293
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:56,575
THE HONORABLE CATHY CLAUS.
>> THANK YOU, SANTA.
294
00:17:56,642 --> 00:18:00,546
(BANGS GAVEL)
>> I SHALL FIRST CALL ON THE
ELF
295
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:04,650
ON THE SHELF FROM THE GREAT
STATE OF MAINE.
296
00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:10,222
>> THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM
MAINE DECLARES 657,000 NICE
--
297
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:12,624
AY-YUH
AND 270,000 NAUGHTY.
298
00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:15,828
AHYUH.
LOBSTAH.
299
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:19,798
>> MADAME CHAIR, THE TALLY
MATCHES THE LIST.
300
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:21,266
>> CHECK ONCE.
TWICE.
301
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,636
MAY MY SACK BE FILLED
ACCORDINGLY.
302
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:28,607
(WHISPERING)
THEY'RE WHAT?!
303
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,710
>> BREAKING NEWS.
I'M HERE AT THE NORTH POLE,
304
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,180
WHERE A "STOP THE SLEIGH"
RALLY IS UNDERWAY, AND IT'S
BEING
305
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:39,718
WHIPPED INTO A FROTHY NOG OF
MADNESS.
306
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,786
>> HELLO MANIACS!
I FEEL YOUR RAGE!
307
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:46,592
YOU'VE BEEN PUT ON SANTA'S
NAUGHTY LIST FOR TOO LONG.
308
00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:48,627
WELL, I TOO HAVE BEEN ON HIS
NAUGHTY LIST EVER SINCE THE
DAY
309
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:52,631
I SLAPPED MY WAY OUT OF THE
WOMB!
310
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:53,832
AND TODAY, WITH YOUR HELP,
ALL F US ARE GOING TO
FINALLY GET L
311
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:59,505
>> UGH.
THAT GUY.
312
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:02,708
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS ASKS FOR
PORN AND SOUP.
313
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,077
>> I GOT A QUESTION FOR ALL
Y'ALL: JUST WHO EXACTLY IS
314
00:19:05,143 --> 00:19:11,216
WRITIN' THAT LIST IN THERE?
THE LIBERAL MEDIA WANTS YOU
TO
315
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:15,153
BELIEVE IT'S SANTA
BUT SCROOGE-ANON KNOWS THE
316
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:20,659
TRUTH!
BEHOLD!
317
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,693
(DEEP EVIL VOICE)
HO, HO, HO.
318
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:22,561
(CROWD GASPS)
>> WE'RE CONVINCED! THAT'S
GOOD
319
00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:23,529
ENOUGH FOR ME!
ANAGRAMS CAN'T BE WRONG!
320
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:24,696
>> NOW, MY FELLOW PA-RUM-
PUM- PUM-PATRIOTS:
321
00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:27,900
LET'S GO LOCK SANTA UP IN
IMAGINATION JAIL WITH
322
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:32,638
MY ARCH-ENEMY BIG BIRD AND
BI- SEXUAL SUPERMAN!
323
00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:36,074
DO IT!
FOR THE LIZARD MEN, AND
324
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:38,977
HORSE PILLS, AND JEFFREY
EPSTEIN'S GHOST.
325
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:42,814
WHATEVER ELSE WE ALL BELIEVE
IN! JUST GET MY PRESENTS,
LUNATICS!!
326
00:19:42,881 --> 00:19:44,683
(YELLING CHAOS)
>> THERE YOU HAVE IT.
327
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:47,986
A RECKLESS CAMPAIGN OF
CHRIS-MISINFORMATION NOW
ENDING
328
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:52,691
IN A FULLSCALE TINSEL
-RECTION. (WOOD BREAKING)
329
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,560
>> OH ( BLEEP ).
>> (CHANTING)
330
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,461
"WHOSE KLAUS?
OUR KLAUS!"
331
00:19:56,528 --> 00:20:01,466
( GLASS SHTTERS )
(ROARING )
332
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:02,267
>> ( CHANTING ) "WHOSE
KLAUS?
333
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,402
OUR KLAUS!"
>> IT'S YA BOY, RICK!
334
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:04,703
I'M INSIDE SANTA'S WORKSHOP,
HERE TO RESTORE HONOR TO THE
335
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,339
LIST!
AND WHILE I GOT YA, DON'T
FORGET
336
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:11,977
TO VISIT RICK'S WORLD OF
WILD REPTILES OVER ON ROUTE
9.
337
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,581
5 DOLLARS OFF ALL IRREGULAR
SNAKES WITH PROMO CODE:
338
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:17,583
"I WATCHED RICK'S CRIME!"
>> I GOT THE SACK!
339
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:19,952
THIS THING'S MAGIC.
IT'LL GIVE YA ANYTHING YOU
CAN
340
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:20,686
IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST
DREAMS!
341
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,555
WHAT DO YA WANT?
>> VAPE PEN!
342
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,690
>> VAPE PEN!
>> VAPE PEN RIGHT HERE!
343
00:20:24,756 --> 00:20:26,191
>> VAPE PEN FOR ME!
>> OK!
344
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,660
>> LET'S GO, EVERYONE INTO
THE PANIC CHIMNEY!
345
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:32,331
>> SANTA, I'VE NEVER SEEN
PEOPLE THIS NAUGHTY!
346
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:35,500
THEY'RE NOT JUST NAUGHTY,
THEY'RE NEO-NAUGHTZIS.
347
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:36,702
(METAL DOORS SLAM SHUT)
>> CATHY, WE MUST PROTECT
THE
348
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:39,438
LIST!
YOU HEAD TO THE CHAMBER.
349
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:41,039
I'LL BAKE THESE
RIOTERS A FRESH BATCH OF
350
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:47,579
CHRISTMAS WHOOPASS.
>> WHO'S HUNGRY FOR SECONDS?
351
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:50,749
>> THE LIST!
>> HOO-HOO!
352
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,684
I TOLD YOU FANNIN' THE
FLAMES OF A DELUDED
BLOODTHIRSTY MOB HAD
353
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:56,321
NO BAD CONSEQUENCES!
WE GOT THE LIST!!
354
00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:59,057
>> I'M SANTA CRUZ!
>> STOP THE SLEIGH!
355
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:02,060
>> RUDOLPH!
TO CANCUN!
356
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:04,062
>> WHERE WE GLOW ONE, WE
GLOW ALL.
357
00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:05,631
>> RUDOLPH!
NO!
358
00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:08,900
>> HAHA!
NOW 'WE' SAY WHO GETS ALL
THE
359
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,603
PRESENTS!
SO LET THE WILL OF THE
PEOPLE
360
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:15,140
FINALLY BE DONE.
TED CRUZ.
361
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,643
TED CRUZ.
TED CRUZ.
362
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:20,779
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
IT'S SANTA!
363
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:23,649
HE'S GOT A CHRISTIAN SPACE
LASER!
364
00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:24,916
>> AH!
GET HIM OFF!
365
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:28,820
HE'S TOO HEAVY!
>> SUCK YOUR OWN SACK,
SANTA!
366
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:32,758
>> WHERE'D HE GO?
>> TED.
367
00:21:32,824 --> 00:21:38,397
GET OFF MY SLEIGH.
>> I'VE LEARNED NOTHING!!
368
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:40,766
>> NOW, MARJORIE...
>> DON'T YOU MOVE, FAT
MAN...
369
00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:45,237
OR THE VENISON BURGER GETS
IT! >> HEY, I'M ON YOUR
SIDE!
370
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:47,639
>> MARJORIE, PLEASE, DON'T
KILL RUDOLPH.
371
00:21:47,706 --> 00:21:52,411
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!
WELL, ACTUALLY...
372
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,747
>> I JUST WANT MY PRESENTS!
I'M A NICE GIRL!
373
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:59,651
>> SANTA!
>> RUDOLPH, WITH YOUR NOSE
SO
374
00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:04,389
BRIGHT...
>> ... LET ME GUIDE YOUR
SLEIGH
375
00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:11,697
TONIGHT!
>> MY EYES! AGH!
376
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:15,467
>> DANG IT!
>> I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS.
377
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:16,835
>> SANTA, I'M SORRY.
>> LATER!
378
00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:20,839
THIS LANDING'S GONNA BE A
REAL NUTCRACKER!
379
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:23,675
>> THE LIST IS NO MORE!
WE CONTROL CHRISTMAS
380
00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:28,346
FUTURE!
TELL US, O SCROOGE-ANON, HOW
381
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:32,417
SHALL WE FULFILL YOUR SACRED
PROPHECY NOW?
382
00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:33,418
(MESSAGE BLOOP)
>> SCROOGE-ANON SAYS TO POOP
ON
383
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:35,721
STUFF!
(CROWD CHEERS)
384
00:22:35,787 --> 00:22:41,226
>> O SCROOGEY ONE, THEN I AM
YOUR HUMBLE INSTRUMENT.
385
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:46,164
AID ME, TACTICAL TACO.
( CRASHING )
386
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:48,834
>> OH MY GOD, WE KILLED
SANTA CLAUS!
387
00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:52,804
>> AWESOME!
>> ENOUGH OF THIS SCROOGE
-ANON-
388
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:56,808
SENSE!
RUDOLPH, ARE YOU OK?
389
00:22:56,875 --> 00:23:00,812
>> I AM NOW, SANTA.
>> IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU
BACK.
390
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:04,916
>> NOW AS FOR THE REST OF
YOU. JUST WHAT WERE YOU
HOPING TO
391
00:23:04,983 --> 00:23:11,490
ACHIEVE HERE TODAY?
TO KILL SANTA CLAUS?
392
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:16,895
WELL YOU CAN'T KILL SANTA.
BECAUSE SANTA IS A STORY.
393
00:23:16,962 --> 00:23:20,899
A STORY ALL OF YOU BELIEVED
AS CHILDREN.
394
00:23:20,966 --> 00:23:23,769
THE STORY OF A GROUP OF
POWERFUL BEINGS WORKING
TOGETHER TO BE
395
00:23:23,835 --> 00:23:28,907
NICE.
BUT FOR SOME REASON, WHEN
YOU
396
00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:34,846
GREW UP, YOU STARTED
BELIEVING IN POWERFUL BEINGS
WORKING
397
00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:38,316
TOGETHER TO BE NAUGHTY.
I MEAN, CRAZY NAUGHTY.
398
00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:40,852
EATING BABIES IN PIZZA
PARLORS NAUGHTY.
399
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:44,890
WELL, I SAY, IF YOU CAN MAKE
UP A STORY OUTLANDISH ENOUGH
TO
400
00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:51,096
BELIEVE THE WORST OF EACH
OTHER, THEN MAYBE, YOU CAN
MAKE UP A
401
00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:55,867
STORY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO
BELIEVE THE BEST.
402
00:23:55,934 --> 00:24:00,739
AND I'VE GOT ONE, RIGHT
HERE. IT'S THE STORY OF HOW
SANTA
403
00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:04,943
CLAUS AMENDED HIS PROCESS
FOR ONE YEAR, TO REFLECT
WHAT HE
404
00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:08,947
BELIEVED PEOPLE COULD BE.
MADAME CHAIR, LET US RESUME
THE
405
00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:12,918
CEREMONY.
>> I CALL UPON THE ELF ON
THE
406
00:24:12,984 --> 00:24:16,254
SHELF FROM... THE NORTH
POLE! >> THE ELF ON THE
SHELF FROM THE
407
00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:21,026
NORTH POLE DECLARES...
THIS YEAR,
408
00:24:21,092 --> 00:24:25,564
0 NAUGHTY, 100% NICE!
> MAY MY SACK BE FILLED
409
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:29,467
ACCORDINGLY!
( CHEERING )
410
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,671
>> BUT YOU GUYS ARE STILL
GOING TO JAIL.
411
00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:35,807
>> THAT 'IS' A GOOD STORY,
KRIS!!
412
00:24:35,874 --> 00:24:40,345
>> HEY! I GOT A SHIV!
>> MERRY SHIV-MAS!
413
00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:41,313
>> BUT SANTA, THE SLEIGH IS
COMPLETELY FIGGED.
414
00:24:41,379 --> 00:24:44,950
HOW ARE WE GONNA DELIVER THE
PRESENTS?!
415
00:24:45,016 --> 00:24:46,017
>> HO HO, NOT TO WORRY.
SANTA MADE HIS OWN WISH THIS
416
00:24:46,084 --> 00:24:48,119
YEAR.
TO BEAT JEFF BEZOS IN THE
SPACE
417
00:24:48,186 --> 00:24:53,859
RACE!
( MOTORS WORKING )
418
00:24:53,925 --> 00:24:56,962
>> SANTA, HAVE YOU NOTICED
THIS SPACE SHIP LOOKS LIKE A
GIANT--
419
00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:59,831
>> SNOWMAN! IT'S A SNOWMAN,
NOTHING ELSE!
420
00:24:59,898 --> 00:25:05,036
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
>> AND TO ALL... YOU KNOW
WHAT?
421
00:25:05,103 --> 00:25:10,809
LET'S BLUR THE SPACE SHIP
JIMMY. >> Stephen: MERRY
CHRISTMAS,
422
00:25:10,876 --> 00:25:11,509
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
423
00:25:11,576 --> 00:25:13,511
ANDERSON COOPER!
HO, HO, HO!
424
00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:39,504
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
425
00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:44,843
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
426
00:25:44,910 --> 00:25:48,213
( APPLAUSE )
-- MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
427
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,180
CORRESPONDENT FOR "60
MINUTES" AND THE HOST OF
428
00:25:49,247 --> 00:25:51,383
"ANDERSON COOPER
360."
429
00:25:51,449 --> 00:25:55,954
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE
LATE SHOW," ANDERSON COOPER!
430
00:25:56,021 --> 00:26:10,969
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
431
00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:11,970
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
432
00:26:12,037 --> 00:26:13,805
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
433
00:26:13,872 --> 00:26:15,573
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING
HERE.
434
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,677
>> IT'S MY PLEASURE.
LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR, WOW.
435
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:21,880
>> Stephen: SPECIAL, SPECIAL
SLOT, LAST GUEST OF 2021.
436
00:26:21,947 --> 00:26:23,615
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID
TO DESERVE IT.
437
00:26:23,682 --> 00:26:26,818
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A
FANTASTIC GUEST, JUST
WONDERFUL COMPANY TO
438
00:26:26,885 --> 00:26:27,652
BE WITH.
>> WELL, NOW YOU'VE SET THE
BAR
439
00:26:27,719 --> 00:26:28,620
VERY HIGH.
>> Stephen: EVERY WORD FROM
440
00:26:28,687 --> 00:26:31,523
YOUR MOUTH IS A PEARL OF
WISDOM ( LAUGHTER )
441
00:26:31,589 --> 00:26:34,492
YOU'RE AN EASY GUEST BECAUSE
YOU KNOW HOW TO
PROFESSIONALLY TALK
442
00:26:34,559 --> 00:26:37,162
ON CAMERA.
>> AND I DON'T ROLL DEEP.
443
00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:42,233
I DON'T HAVE A BIG
ENTOURAGE. >> Stephen: NO,
IT'S JUST YOU.
444
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:46,071
LIKE BETTY WHITE, HAS A HUGE
ENTOURAGE.
445
00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:49,941
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
SHE HAS HER OWN OMELETTE
CHEF.
446
00:26:50,008 --> 00:26:51,543
EVERYWHERE SHE GOES.
>> REALLY?
447
00:26:51,609 --> 00:27:00,719
>> Stephen: FRIDAY AT T
>> Stephen: FRITATAS.
448
00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:10,428
I KNEW A GUY NAMED RUDOLPH
STANSH, HE WAS SO FAMOUS AS
AN
449
00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:14,199
OMELETTE CHEF HE HAD HIS OWN
LINE OF OMELETTE FRYING
PANS.
450
00:27:14,265 --> 00:27:17,302
THIS WAS THE 19 UP0s.
>> Stephen: WHO WOULD HAVE
451
00:27:17,369 --> 00:27:21,873
THOUGHT YOU WERE A
VANDERBILT? WOULD NOT HAVE
GUESSED IT!
452
00:27:21,940 --> 00:27:26,544
NO, THESE WERE TOP TIER!
THESE WERE TOP TIER OMELETTE
453
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:29,781
CHEFS!
NOT THE GUY WORKING THE LINE
AT
454
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:32,951
THE BENNIGAN'S ON THE SUNDAY
BRUNCH!
455
00:27:33,018 --> 00:27:35,153
( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE OVER AT CNN AND I
KNOW
456
00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:37,989
THE JOURNALISTS DON'T LIKE
TO BE THE STORY, OR AT LEAST
THAT'S
457
00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:42,260
THE THING YOU GUYS SAY, BUT
CNN IS THE STORY IN MANY
WAYS RIGHT
458
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,930
NOW, CERTAINLY OVER THE LAST
COUPLE OF WEEKS.
459
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:52,470
I MEAN, CHRIS CUOMO WAS LET
GO, I WOULDN'T SAY SUDDENLY,
BUT A
460
00:27:52,537 --> 00:27:55,073
LITTLE SURPRISINGLY, WE
DIDN'T NECESSARILY SEE IT
COMING THAT
461
00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:57,242
DAY.
WERE PEOPLE SURPRISED AT THE
462
00:27:57,308 --> 00:27:58,843
SHOP?
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
SURPRISED
463
00:27:58,910 --> 00:28:02,280
OVERALL, BUT IT DIDN'T
HAPPEN, THEN IT DID HAPPEN
VERY QUICKLY.
464
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:07,552
>> Stephen: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
FOR A YEAR AND THEN IT WAS
IT
465
00:28:07,619 --> 00:28:10,622
MIGHT HAPPEN --
>> PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED THE
DAY
466
00:28:10,688 --> 00:28:12,690
IT HAPPENED WHEN IT ACTUALLY
HAPPENED.
467
00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:14,492
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW
THAT NIGHT?
468
00:28:14,559 --> 00:28:18,630
DID YOU KNOW BEFORE IT
HAPPENED? >> NO, I HAD NO
IDEA.
469
00:28:18,696 --> 00:28:22,367
>> Stephen: YOU FOUND OUT
FROM WATCHING TV.
470
00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:23,635
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T HAVE
A
471
00:28:23,701 --> 00:28:27,505
STAFF MEETING AND SAY, WE'RE
GOING TO TELL EVERYBODY
CHRIS
472
00:28:27,572 --> 00:28:29,874
ISN'T HERE.
>> NO.
473
00:28:29,941 --> 00:28:32,077
THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A
STAFF MEETING AND SAY WE'RE
GOING TO
474
00:28:32,143 --> 00:28:34,846
DO THIS THING BUT DON'T TELL
ANYBODY?
475
00:28:34,913 --> 00:28:37,015
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WOULD DO.
476
00:28:37,082 --> 00:28:41,886
THE CORPORATION WOULD LET
THE EMPLOYEES KNOW YOU MAY
BE
477
00:28:41,953 --> 00:28:44,289
CONTACTED BY OUTSIDE MEMBERS
OF THE PROCESS BECAUSE WE'RE
GOING
478
00:28:44,355 --> 00:28:49,327
TO MAKE NEWS BY CANCELING
OUR NUMBER ONE SHOW!
479
00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:50,695
>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
CBS DOES THAT.
480
00:28:50,762 --> 00:28:55,533
>> Stephen: I KNOW EVERYONE
WHO GETS FIRED AT CBS.
481
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,302
>> REALLY?
100%.
482
00:28:57,368 --> 00:28:59,571
>> THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A
MOCKER.
483
00:28:59,637 --> 00:29:06,678
>> Stephen: I KNOW PEOPLE
WHO ARE BEING FIRED TONIGHT!
484
00:29:06,744 --> 00:29:09,347
( LAUGHTER )
>> MAN...
485
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:10,648
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU FEEL
ABOUT IT?
486
00:29:10,715 --> 00:29:13,618
DID YOU THINK IT WAS THE
RIGHT THING TO DO.
487
00:29:13,685 --> 00:29:16,421
>> LOOK, ANYTIME -- LOOK, I
DON'T WANT ANYTHING PAD TO
488
00:29:16,488 --> 00:29:20,125
HAPPEN TO SOMEBODY WHO IS A
COLLEAGUE AND A FRIEND OF
MINE,
489
00:29:20,191 --> 00:29:22,694
AND I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR HIM
AND HIS FAMILY.
490
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,598
THAT BEING SAID, LOOK,
JOURNALISTS HAVE STRICT
ETHICS
491
00:29:26,664 --> 00:29:30,368
AND STRICT RULES THAT WE ARE
TO ABIDE BY AND IF YOU DON'T
ABIDE
492
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:34,539
BY THEM, THERE ARE
REPERCUSSIONS.
493
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:38,042
I WISH CHRIS THE BEST AND
I'M SORRY FOR HOW ALL THIS
PLAYED
494
00:29:38,109 --> 00:29:42,380
OUT AND, YOU KNOW, I HATE
THIS FOR HIS FAMILY, BUT
THIS IS --
495
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:47,819
YOU KNOW, IT'S A BUSINESS
WITH VERY BIG
RESPONSIBILITIES AND
496
00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:54,692
THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS.
>> Stephen: HOW IS DON
LEMONS,
497
00:29:54,759 --> 00:29:57,662
IS HE OKAY?
>> THEY SEEM CLOSE.
498
00:29:57,729 --> 00:30:00,932
THEY'RE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: AND DON WEARS
HIS
499
00:30:00,999 --> 00:30:04,969
HEART ON HIS SLEEVE.
YOU QUITE DON'T TALK?
500
00:30:05,036 --> 00:30:06,671
>> YOU COULD PROBABLY INVITE
DON ON THE SHOW.
501
00:30:06,738 --> 00:30:09,607
>> Stephen: NOT DOING THAT.
BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST SHOW
OF
502
00:30:09,674 --> 00:30:11,609
THE YEAR.
>> Stephen: I WOULD IF WE
HAD
503
00:30:11,676 --> 00:30:14,312
A SHOW TOMORROW.
DON, YOU WOULD BE HERE.
504
00:30:14,379 --> 00:30:16,214
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT ANDERSON
SAID,
505
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:19,717
DON'T INVITE DON, ONLY ME.
>> THE FIRST CALL I GOT
AFTER
506
00:30:19,784 --> 00:30:28,526
CHRIS CUOMO WAS --
>> Stephen: IT WOULD BE
GOOD.
507
00:30:28,593 --> 00:30:31,763
HE FEELS HE IS FULLY
QUALIFIED TO HOST A
PRESIDENTIAL
508
00:30:31,829 --> 00:30:34,332
DEBATE BECAUSE HE HOSTED THE
HOUSE WIVES REUNION.
509
00:30:34,399 --> 00:30:36,401
>> Stephen: I 100% AGREE.
( APPLAUSE )
510
00:30:54,852 --> 00:30:57,755
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH
ANDERSON
511
00:30:57,822 --> 00:30:59,324
COOPER.
ANDERSON, I'VE GOT TO GET TO
THE
512
00:30:59,390 --> 00:31:02,327
BOTTOM OF THIS STORY AND
YOU'RE THE PERSON TO TALK TO
ABOUT
513
00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:03,394
THIS.
>> YEAH, SURE.
514
00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:08,266
>> Stephen: 2019, "TIME
MAGAZINE" MAN OF THE YEAR,
515
00:31:08,333 --> 00:31:11,703
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, THAT'S AN
ISSUE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT.
516
00:31:11,769 --> 00:31:21,713
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AN DICOHEN'S
BABY
517
00:31:21,779 --> 00:31:23,581
CUTEST BABY ALIVE.
>> VERY SWEET BABY.
518
00:31:23,648 --> 00:31:30,121
>> Stephen: 2020, CUTEST
BABY ALIVE WAS YOUR SON
WYATT COOPER.
519
00:31:30,188 --> 00:31:36,027
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
520
00:31:36,094 --> 00:31:38,263
>> BY THE WAY, HE IS
UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ME.
521
00:31:38,329 --> 00:31:40,531
>> Stephen: WHY, BECAUSE
HE'S SO OLD NOW?
522
00:31:40,598 --> 00:31:44,435
>> I SAID, I DIDN'T KNOW
WINSTON CHURCHILL WAS MY
BABY!
523
00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:47,438
AT THAT MOMENT, IF YOU TOLD
ME THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKED
LIKE, I
524
00:31:47,505 --> 00:31:49,941
WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE,
THAT'S NOT MY KID.
525
00:31:50,008 --> 00:31:57,282
WHEN I SAW HIM AT THAT
MOMENT, I THOUGHT THAT'S THE
CUTEST BABY.
526
00:31:57,348 --> 00:32:01,786
AND I LOOK AT HIM AND SAY
WHO IS THAT CHILD?
527
00:32:01,853 --> 00:32:07,925
I DON'T REMEMBER HIM LOOKING
QUITE SO, UM, ROUND AND JUST
BIG
528
00:32:07,992 --> 00:32:10,862
AND, LIKE --
>> Stephen: CAN HE TALK?
529
00:32:10,928 --> 00:32:16,034
OH, YEAH.
HE SAYS LOTS OF WORDS.
530
00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,770
>> Stephen: PAINTINGS.
PAINTINGS.
531
00:32:18,836 --> 00:32:21,439
>> Stephen: THAT WAS ONE OF
HIS FIRST WORDS.
532
00:32:21,506 --> 00:32:23,508
>> SHOES.
HE LOVES SHOES.
533
00:32:23,574 --> 00:32:26,844
SHOES!
EVERY MORNING, FIRST THING
HE
534
00:32:26,911 --> 00:32:31,115
DOES WHEN WE WAKE UP, WE PUT
ON THE WINDOW SILL AND HE
COMMENTS
535
00:32:31,182 --> 00:32:33,484
ON PEOPLE'S SHOES AS THEY
WALK BY.
536
00:32:33,551 --> 00:32:37,689
>> Stephen: IMAGINE A
PAINTING OF A SHOE WOULD
FREAK HIM OUT.
537
00:32:37,755 --> 00:32:41,192
( LAUGHTER )
THE QUESTION, THIS IS WHERE
THE
538
00:32:41,259 --> 00:32:46,831
INTERVIEW GETS TOUGH, OKAY,
READY FOR THE HARD-HITTING
539
00:32:46,898 --> 00:32:50,835
QUESTIONS?
THIS IS 2019, AN DI'S BABY
540
00:32:50,902 --> 00:32:58,843
BENJAMIN, VERY CUTE.
CUTEST BABY 2020 WYATT.
541
00:32:58,910 --> 00:33:02,814
2021, PAUL RUDD IS ON THE
COVER. >> ON THE COVER?
542
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,184
>> Stephen: PAUL RUDD
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE THIS YEAR.
543
00:33:06,250 --> 00:33:08,619
CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE.
>> I LIKE PAUL RUDD.
544
00:33:08,686 --> 00:33:13,191
>> Stephen: HE'S SURPRISED.
( LAUGHTER )
545
00:33:13,257 --> 00:33:16,761
BUT THERE IS NO CUTEST BABY
ALIVE IN THIS YEAR'S ISSUE.
546
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:18,696
DOES THAT MEAN --
>> YES.
547
00:33:18,763 --> 00:33:23,935
>> Stephen: DOES WYATT STILL
REIGN?
548
00:33:24,001 --> 00:33:26,337
>> THEY RETIRED IT.
THEY WERE, LIKE, WE'RE DONE.
549
00:33:26,404 --> 00:33:29,507
>> Stephen: THEY LIFTED HIS
ONESIE UP TO THE RAFTERS?
550
00:33:29,574 --> 00:33:32,510
>> EXACTLY.
YOU GO INTO THE "PEOPLE"
551
00:33:32,577 --> 00:33:34,912
MAGAZINE LOBBY, HIS SOILED
ONESIE IS IN --
552
00:33:34,979 --> 00:33:39,617
>> Stephen: WELL, AT A TIME
OF CRISIS YOU CAN'T CHANGE
HORSES.
553
00:33:39,684 --> 00:33:45,022
>> STICK WITH WYATT.
>> Stephen: HE'S THE F.D.R.
OF
554
00:33:45,089 --> 00:33:48,259
CUTE BABIES.
STICK WITH WHAT'S WORKING
NOW.
555
00:33:48,326 --> 00:33:51,829
IS THIS A TOY.
>> YEAH.
556
00:33:51,896 --> 00:34:01,839
THIS IS HIS HALLOW DEAN
COSTUME WIZ A VENTIVE BATMAN
COSTUME.
557
00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:05,410
HIS FAVORITE TOY IS OUR
CLEANING PRODUCTS.
558
00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:11,883
THE FIRST IS THIS IS A
LITTLE -- THIS IS A BROOM
THAT I BOUGH
559
00:34:11,949 --> 00:34:16,687
ONLINE, BUT THIS MY NANNY
GOT AND IT'S THE MOST GENIUS
TOY
560
00:34:16,754 --> 00:34:18,990
EITHER.
DYSON WHO MAKES THE COOLEST
561
00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:23,895
VACUUM CLEANERS EVER, THEY
MAKE A FAKE CHILD'S VACUUM
CLEANER,
562
00:34:23,961 --> 00:34:28,866
AND IT IS ALL HE CARES
ABOUT. IT IS THE FIRST THING
AFTER HE
563
00:34:28,933 --> 00:34:32,804
COMMENTS ON PEOPLE'S SHOES
ON THE STREET IN THE MORNING
THAT
564
00:34:32,870 --> 00:34:35,606
HE GRAVITATES TO.
>> Stephen: WHY FAKE?
565
00:34:35,673 --> 00:34:40,311
I'M SURE THE KID'S ARM WOULD
BE SUCKED UP INTO THE
VACUUM.
566
00:34:40,378 --> 00:34:42,447
>> Stephen: NEVER LOSES
SUCTION.
567
00:34:42,513 --> 00:34:45,383
>> MAKES THE SOUND, GOT THE
THING, AND THE LITTLE
COLORED
568
00:34:45,450 --> 00:34:49,020
THINGS THAT GO IN IT, IT'S
THE GREATEST TOY EVER.
569
00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:53,891
IT'S, LIKE, 20 BUCKS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS QUITE AN
570
00:34:53,958 --> 00:34:56,060
ENDORSEMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
571
00:34:56,127 --> 00:34:59,897
THAT WITH THE MASK ON.
WE HAD TO HAVE ONE PHOTO.
572
00:34:59,964 --> 00:35:05,970
REMEMBER THE CUTEST BABY
ALIVE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE
ANYMORE?
573
00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:09,507
HERE'S THE CUTEST BABY AND
WHY YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM
NOW
574
00:35:09,574 --> 00:35:12,510
BECAUSE HERE'S WYATT.
THERE HE IS.
575
00:35:12,577 --> 00:35:14,145
>> YEAH,.
>> Stephen: HE'S VERY SWEET.
576
00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:16,547
HE SWAM IN THE OCEAN FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
577
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,450
ANOTHER BIG MILESTONE.
>> Stephen: VERY PLEASANT.
578
00:35:19,517 --> 00:35:21,552
WHEN DO WE ACTUALLY START
RECORDING?
579
00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:25,122
WHEN DOES THE SHOW START?
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN
580
00:35:25,189 --> 00:35:27,658
ELABORATE PRANK.
THERE'S NO --
581
00:35:27,725 --> 00:35:29,627
( LAUGHTER )
>> WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER
582
00:35:29,694 --> 00:35:32,063
BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, ANDERSON
AND
583
00:35:32,129 --> 00:35:34,131
I ARE GOING TO DO SHOTS.
STICK AROUND!
584
00:35:56,153 --> 00:35:57,355
>> Stephen: HEY!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
585
00:35:57,421 --> 00:36:08,099
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE
HOST OF S"ANDERSON COOPER
360".
586
00:36:08,165 --> 00:36:15,773
WHAT DO YOU CALL NEW YEAR'S
EVE? >> RYAN SECREST'S
ROCKING NEW
587
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,775
YEAR'S EVE.
>> Stephen: STARRING --
588
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:21,979
NO, IT'S JUST -- I DON'T
KNOW, IT'S JUST NEW YEAR'S
EVE.
589
00:36:22,046 --> 00:36:24,448
IT'S CNN'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.
>> Stephen: JUST THE FACTS,
590
00:36:24,515 --> 00:36:28,119
MAN.
IT'S NEWYEAR'S EVE.
591
00:36:28,185 --> 00:36:32,490
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
>> IT'S AC2 NEW YEAR'S.
592
00:36:32,557 --> 00:36:37,828
WE'RE IN TIMES SQUARE AND
WE'VE GOT FOUR AND A HALF
HOURS.
593
00:36:37,895 --> 00:36:42,133
YOU KINDLY HAD A SHOT WITH
US LAST TIME.
594
00:36:42,199 --> 00:36:45,002
>> Stephen: I DID.
I'M ACTUALLY TRAVELING NW
595
00:36:45,069 --> 00:36:48,139
YEAR'S EVE.
I CAN'T DO IT, I'M SORRY.
596
00:36:48,205 --> 00:36:52,410
>> DOES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT?
THAT'S OKAY, YOU WERE HERE
LAST
597
00:36:52,476 --> 00:36:53,911
YEAR.
>> Stephen: I WILL SEND YOU
A
598
00:36:53,978 --> 00:36:57,815
COPY OF MY BOARDING PASS.
I'LL DO A SHOT WITH YOU
RIGHT
599
00:36:57,882 --> 00:37:00,117
NOW.
DO YOU WANT TO DO A SHOT
RIGHT
600
00:37:00,184 --> 00:37:03,221
NOW?
>> SURE!
601
00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:06,757
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS YOU KNOW, I DON'T DRINK,
602
00:37:06,824 --> 00:37:08,426
ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T DRINK.
603
00:37:08,492 --> 00:37:12,196
AND YOU HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT.
>> AND I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
604
00:37:12,263 --> 00:37:14,465
DRINKING.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE A
605
00:37:14,532 --> 00:37:18,202
FAST LEARNER.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP FROM
YOU
606
00:37:18,269 --> 00:37:21,672
LAST YEAR.
>> ANDY DRINKS ON NEW YEAR'S
607
00:37:21,739 --> 00:37:23,040
DAY.
>> Stephen: PEER PRESSURE.
608
00:37:23,107 --> 00:37:25,876
YES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
OF
609
00:37:25,943 --> 00:37:30,214
YOU LAST YEAR OF ALL THE
SHOTS YOU DID AND SOME OF
YOUR
610
00:37:30,281 --> 00:37:33,017
REACTIONS TO THE SHOTS.
IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR AND IT
611
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:37,254
GETS MORE INTENSE EVERY
YEAR. YOU GET LESS GOOD AT
IT.
612
00:37:37,321 --> 00:37:39,523
>> I GET WORSE AT IT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: JIM.
613
00:37:39,590 --> 00:37:46,297
LET'S DO IT!
( LAUGHTER )
614
00:37:46,364 --> 00:37:48,699
>> DID THAT SHOT GET YOU A
LITTLE DRUNK?
615
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:54,071
YOU SEEM A LITTLE SLURRY.
>> CLAP, IT'S LIKE, CLAP
THOSE
616
00:37:54,138 --> 00:37:57,575
LITTLE HANDS!
SHAKE THOSE TINY HANDS!
617
00:37:57,642 --> 00:38:02,813
CLAP THOSE LITTLE HANDS!
OH OH!
618
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,283
WHERE AM I?
WHERE AM I?
619
00:38:06,350 --> 00:38:11,389
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
620
00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:15,292
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THERE YOU GO.
621
00:38:15,359 --> 00:38:21,832
ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS?
WAT IS THIS?
622
00:38:21,899 --> 00:38:30,241
THAT'S GEORGE CLOONEY
HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL THINGS.
623
00:38:30,307 --> 00:38:32,843
>> WOW, OKAY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE
624
00:38:32,910 --> 00:38:34,078
SALT?
>> NO.
625
00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:38,382
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO
THIS?
626
00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:39,517
OH!
SNOWOH, BROTHER.
627
00:38:39,583 --> 00:38:41,218
>> I THINK YOU'VE HAD
ENOUGH. >> Stephen: I'M
SORRY.
628
00:38:41,285 --> 00:38:43,621
THERE YOU GO.
YOU HAVE A TODDLER, YOU KNOW
629
00:38:43,688 --> 00:38:46,257
WHAT THIS IS LIKE.
I'M SURE WYATT KNOCKS OVER
HIS
630
00:38:46,323 --> 00:38:48,325
TEQUILA ALL THE TIME.
SO THERE WE GO.
631
00:38:48,392 --> 00:38:51,962
THERE IT IS.
I KNOW WHO'S GETTING FIRED
632
00:38:52,029 --> 00:38:56,634
TONIGHT, AND IT'S ME.
>> I'VE GOT A SHOW TONIGHT.
633
00:38:56,701 --> 00:38:59,737
I GO ON THE AIR IN TWO
HOURS. >> Stephen:
634
00:38:59,804 --> 00:39:04,675
>> Stephen: YOU DO THIS.
YOU LICK RIGHT HERE.
635
00:39:04,742 --> 00:39:05,943
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO LICK
636
00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:08,279
IT FIRST OR THE SALT WON'T
STICK.
637
00:39:08,345 --> 00:39:09,513
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING!
638
00:39:09,580 --> 00:39:12,349
ARE THESE CODE WORDS?
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT A
639
00:39:12,416 --> 00:39:15,252
CODE WORD.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
640
00:39:15,319 --> 00:39:18,456
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO THEN
YOU LICK THIS, TAKE A SHOT
AND THEN
641
00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:20,891
YOU DO THE BITE, OKAY?
>> ONLY.
642
00:39:20,958 --> 00:39:25,563
>> Stephen: OKAY?
YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT.
643
00:39:25,629 --> 00:39:28,866
THEN YOU BITE THE LIME.
>> OKAY.
644
00:39:28,933 --> 00:39:31,168
>> Stephen: OKAY?
HOLD ON TO THE LIME.
645
00:39:31,235 --> 00:39:33,437
>> Stephen: OKAY.
READY?
646
00:39:33,504 --> 00:39:34,238
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
647
00:39:34,305 --> 00:39:37,241
I'LL DO THAT.
YOU KNOW TO HOLD IT.
648
00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:40,644
>> YEAH.
THAT'S MY --
649
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:52,490
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( COUGHING )
650
00:39:52,556 --> 00:39:59,630
>> Stephen: FELIZ NAVIDAD!
RING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH
651
00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:05,136
ANDERSON BY WATCHING CNN'S
LIVE NEW YEARS EVE COVERAGE.
652
00:40:05,202 --> 00:40:06,337
ANDERSON COOPER, EVERYBODY!
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL
DEBUT A
653
00:40:06,403 --> 00:40:08,405
WHOLE SLATE OF BRAND NEW
CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
654
00:40:19,416 --> 00:40:21,719
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR
"THE LATE SHOW" FOR 2021!
655
00:40:21,786 --> 00:40:23,788
WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
656
00:40:23,854 --> 00:40:29,193
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
JAMES CORDEN'S NEXT!
657
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,262
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES!
GOOD NIGHT!