TO TALK TO THE COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE JANUARY 6
ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL, BUT HIS TEXT MESSAGES TELL THE STORY OF
TRUMP ALLIES DESPERATE TO STOP IT.
REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE MEMBER LIZ CHENEY LAST NIGHT READING
TEXTS MEADOWS RECEIVED AS THE ATTACK WAS UNDER WAY, INCLUDING
REPEATED TEXTS FROM DONALD TRUMP JR., URGING ACTION.
>> MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, THE
PRESS, AND OTHERS WROTE TO MARK MEADOWS AS THE ATTACK WAS UNDER
WAY. ONE TEXT MR. MEADOWS RECEIVED
SAID:
AND ANOTHER FROM SOMEONE INSIDE THE CAPITOL.
WITH THE ELMO FIRE GIF ATTACHED.
AS THE VIOLENCE CONTINUED, ONE
OF THE PRESIDENT'S SONS TEXTED MR. MEADOWS:
A FOURTH:
ANOTHER IN ALL CAPS:
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
LET'S TALK ABOUT TEXTS. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
HENRY CAVILL AND JONATHAN GROFF
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE EDSULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
ALL. I LIKE YOUR CASUAL.
I LIKE YOUR CASUAL STYLE TONIGHT.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND
THE WORLD, MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA,
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A YEAR SINCE THE JANUARY 6VIOLENT
INSURRECTION ON CAPITOL HILL, AND I THINK WE'VE GOTTEN A
LITTLE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE NEAR DEATH OF THE REPUBLIC.
WE MIGHT PAY MORE ATTENTION IF DEMOCRACY DIED ON A PELOTON.
THANKFULLY, THANKFULLY, AND AGAINST THE WISHES OF NEARLY
EVERY REPUBLICAN IN CONGRESS, THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE ON
JANUARY 6 DOES EXIST. AND RIGHT NOW, THEIR CRITICAL
INVESTIGATION ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOCUSED ON FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN AT A BAR
FAILING TO LOOK SMOOTH WHILE TELLING A WOMAN TO CALL HIM,
MARK MEADOWS. ( LAUGHTER )
AGREED TO COOPERATE AND THEN SURPRISE, SURPRISE, HE CHANGED
HIS MIND. SO YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE
RECOMMENDED HOLDING MEADOWS IN CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A-BOOM!
LOOK HIM UP! THOUGH, I'M NOT SURE HOW
CONGRESS CAN PUNISH YOU, WHETHER IT'S A YEAR IN PRISON-- OR
WORSE, A YEAR OF WATCHING CSPAN. REMEMBER THEIR SLOGAN:
CSPAN: IT'S TOILET WINE FOR YOUR EYES.
AFTER THE VOTE, APRES THE VOTE, MEADOWS WENT ON FOX NEWS TO
EXPLAIN: >> THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, HOLDING
ME IN CONTEMPT. IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT MAKING THE
CAPITAL SAFER. WE SEE THAT BY SOME OF THE
SELECTIVE LEAKS THAT ARE GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP AND ABOUT ACTUALLY GOING AFTER HIM
ONCE AGAIN, CONTINUING TO GO AFTER DONALD TRUMP.
>> Stephen: NO ( BLEEP )! OF COURSE!
WHAT DO YOU THINK! ( APPLAUSE )
GOING AFTER THE GUY WHO PLANNED IT!
REMEMBER WHAT WHAT BONNIE SAID AFTER THE FEDS SHOT UP HER CAR:
"WOW, THESE GUYS SEEM REALLY MAD AT CLYDE."
THE BIG STORY HERE OF COURSE IS WHAT ELSE THE COMMITTEE REVEALED
LAST NIGHT. TURNS OUT, DURING THE RIOT,
MEADOWS RECEIVED URGENT TEXT MESSAGES FROM MULTIPLE FOX NEWS
HOSTS AND THE PRESIDENT'S SON DON JR. WHO WROTE:
"WE NEED AN OVAL OFFICE ADDRESS. HE HAS TO LEAD NOW."
OKAY, THAT REVEALS TWO THINGS ABOUT DON JR.: ONE, HE KNEW HIS
DAD WAS RESPONSIBLE AND FAILING TO LEAD.
AND, TWO, HE DOES NOT HAVE HIS FATHER'S CELL PHONE NUMBER
( LAUGHTER ) CAN'T GIVE IT TO HIM!
CAN'T GIVE IT TO HIM. YOU CANNOT GIVE DON-- YOU CANNOT
GIVE DON THAT NUMBER. IT'S TOO RISKY.
HE MIGHT GIVE IT TO ERIC. IN ONE TEXT, IN ONE TEXT, FOX
HOST LAURA INGRAHAM BEGGED, "MARK, THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO
TELL THE PEOPLE IN THE CAPITOL TO GO HOME.
THIS IS HURTING ALL OF US. HE IS DESTROYING HIS LEGACY."
SO, THE JANUARY 6 SCARD LAURA INGRAHAM.
AND KEEP IN MIND, HER SIDE GIG IS APPEARING IN YOUR BATHROOM
MIRROR IF YOU WHISPER MEDICARE FOR ALL" THREE TIMES.
NOW! THAT'S TRUE!
THAT'S A FACT!
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, THAT WAS HER HONEST
REACTION OFF CAMERA. ON CAMERA, SHE KNEW THE
ASSIGNMENT. SHE KEPT UP THE LIES.
>> EARLIER TODAY, THE CAPITOL WAS UNDER SIEGE BY PEOPLE WHO
CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS ANTITHETICAL TO THE MAGA
MOVEMENT. NOW, THEY WERE LIKELY NOT ALL
TRUMP SUPPORTERS, AND THERE ARE SOME REPORTS THAT ANTIFA
SYMPATHIZERS MAY HAVE BEEN SPRINKLED THROUGHOUT THE CROWD.
( BOOING ). >> Stephen: OH, SURE, THAT
MAKES SENSE! THEY WEREN'T HIS SUPPORTERS.
THAT'S WHY, TO GET THEM TO STOP, YOU SENT ALL THOSE PANICKED
TEXTS TO THE MAN RESPONSIBLE: PRESIDENT BOB ANTIFA.
( LAUGHTER ) INGRAHAM WASN'T THE ONLY FOX
FRAUD FREAKING OUT. MEADOWS ALSO GOT TEXTS FROM A
BUNCH OF FOX STARS: BRIAN KILMEADE, SEAN HANNITY.
HE EVEN GOT AN INSTAGRAM POST FROM JUDGE JEANNINE'S BOX OF
WINE. ( LAUGHTER )
NEWS HOSTS PUSHED THE BIG ELECTION LIE FOR MONTHS LEADING
UP TO JANUARY 6, AND THEN WHEN THEIR OBEDIENT VIEWERS STORM THE
CAPITOL, THEY ACTED ALL SURPRISED.
REMINDS ME OF CHARLES MANSON'S STATEMENT AFTER HE WAS ARRESTED:
"THEY DID WHAT?! I WAS KIDDING!
HELTER SORRY." ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF-- THAT'S HOW HE SPOKE.
PEOPLE FORGET, THAT'S HOW HE TALKED.
SPEAKING OF THE INSURRECTION, WE'RE GETTING MORE NEWS ABOUT
THE PEOPLE WHO'VE ACTUALLY BEEN ARRESTED FOR IT.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"SEDITIONIST ROUNDUP." >> THE COW-PITAL WAS STORMED
BY THE MOO KLUX KLAN. >> Stephen: TONIGHT IN THE
SADDY-WAGON, WE'VE GOT RIOTING REALTOR AND STEPMOM TELLING YOU
YOUR DAD JUST WENT MISSING, JENNA RYAN.
RYAN WAS FAMOUSLY THE INSURRECTIONIST WHO TOOK A
PRIVATE PLANE TO THE INSURRECTION.
SHE'S SCHEDULED TO GO TO JAIL IN THE NEW YEAR,
AND NOW SHE'S REPORTEDLY PREPARING FOR HER 60 DAYS BEHIND
BARS BY LEARNING PRISON SLANG AND SPEAKING WITH PRISON
CONSULTANTS, EXPLAINING, "I MAY HAVE PEOPLE THAT TRY
TO RUN HUSTLES ON ME, TRY TO TRICK ME."
YEAH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
YOU MIGHT HAVE PEOPLE TRYING TO RUN HUSTLES ON YOU. FOR EXAMPLE,
ANYONE CALLING THEMSELVES A "PRISON CONSULTANT."
IN AN INTERVIEW-- ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING. IN AN INTERVIEW, RYAN CLAIMED
SHE'S LEARNED A LOT ABOUT HOW TO ACT IN JAIL, SAYING, "I NOW KNOW
THAT THE GENERAL RULES ARE YOU DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY.
BUT SINCE I'M ALSO A LIFE COACH, I CAN IMAGINE THAT I'LL END UP
MAKING SOME PRETTY GENUINE CONNECTIONS WHILE I'M THERE."
LIFE COACH? THAT MAKES SENSE.
ALL THE BEST ADVICE I'VE EVER GOTTEN STARTS WITH, "AN INMATE
FROM THE DALLAS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY WANTS YOU TO ACCEPT A
COLLECT CALL." ( LAUGHTER )
NUMBERS ARE, UNFORTUNATELY, ON THE RISE, AND SADLY, SOME PEOPLE
ARE STILL REFUSING TO GET THE VACCINE, LIKE "GENERAL HOSPITAL"
ACTOR AND ABOVE-GROUND POOL SALESMAN WHO HITS ON YOUR WIFE,
INGO RADEMACHER. LAST MONTH, THIS RANDOM
COLLECTION OF CONSONANTS WAS FIRED BY ABC BECAUSE HE REFUSED
TO GET VACCINATED, AND LAST NIGHT, THE "GENERAL HOSPITAL"
ACTOR SUED OVER THE VACCINE MANDATE.
SORRY, BUDDY, BUT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW MEDICAL ADVICE.
YOU'RE ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL," NOT "GENERAL STUFF I READ ON
FACEBOOK." NOW, IF YOU'RE--
( APPLAUSE ) INGO'S WORK, CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU HAVE A DAY JOB. BUT FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS, INGO
HAS PLAYED THE CHARACTER JASPER "JAX" JACKS.
A NAME SO DUMB THEY JACKED IT TWICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ABC's VACCINE MANDATE VIOLATES
HIS RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, EXPLAINING IN HIS LEGAL FILING:
"I AM ENTITLED TO A RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION ON THE BASIS OF MY
DEEPLY AND SINCERELY HELD MORAL BELIEF THAT MY BODY IS ENDOWED
BY MY CREATOR WITH NATURAL PROCESSES TO PROTECT ME."
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT INGO RADEMACHER IS BEING
RIDICULOUS. UNLESS...
THAT'S NOT INGO RADEMACHER. ( STING )
BROTHER, VIGO RADEMACHER, WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM A COMA!
( STING ) OF STAIRS BY...
THE WEALTHY HEIRESS, LADY ZANZIBAR!
( STING ) LONG-LOST SISTER, SANDRA
GILBERTSON GILBERTSON. ( STING )
LOVER! ( STING )
BECAUSE HE HAS... AMNESIA!
( STING ) FINAL TWIST, NONE OF THAT IS
TRUE, AND INGO RADEMACHER IS, IN REALITY,
JUST A... STUPID DINGUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE ONE.
>> Jon: THAT'S THE VIBE I WAS THINKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: BUT COVID'S GETTING BETTER IN SOME PLACES.
NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER AND DEAR FRIEND OF THE SHOW, JACINDA
ARDERN, ANNOUNCED RECENTLY THAT UNDER THE COUNTRY'S COVID
GUIDELINES, ORGIES OF 25 PEOPLE ARE GOOD TO GO IN NEW ZEALAND.
( APPLAUSE ) THE ORGY RULE CAME UP DURING AN
INTERVIEW WHERE PRIME MINISTER ARDERN WAS DISCUSSING HOW TINDER
FITS INTO NEW ZEALAND'S COLOR-CODED TRAFFIC LIGHT COVID
WARNING SYSTEM. >> I KNEW THIS MOMENT WOULD
COME. BUT I CAN CONFIRM THAT TINDER
LIAISONS HAVE REOPENED. (LAUGHS)
>> GREAT NEWS FOR MY FRIEND. >> IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT STRICTLY
EMBEDDED IN THE TRAFFIC LIGHT SYSTEM BUT, UM, IT IS A GIVEN,
UP TO 25 ACTUALLY, IN A RED AREA.
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING IF YOU HAVE 25 PEOPLE AT A SEX PARTY,
THERE'S GONNA BE MORE THAN A FEW RED AREAS.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE ARE STILL--
( APPLAUSE ) PLACE BUT REPORTEDLY, ORGY
GROUPS IN NEW ZEALAND ARE REJOIG.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THAT.
( "LORD OF THE RINGS" THEME ( LAUGHTER )
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE HENRY CAVILL AND
JONATHAN GROFF. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE." STICK AROUND!
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GLAD YOU'RE FEELING GOOD.
JON, I'M HIGH AS A KITE, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
TWO REASONS. ONE IS OUR TWO GUESTS TONIGHT,
HENRY CAVILL AND JONATHAN GROFF, TWO EXTRAORDINARY--
( APPLAUSE ) EXTRAORDINARILY ATTRACTIVE MEN
IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. IN THEIR OWN WAYS.
THE PIERCING BABY BLUES. I'M GOING TO LOSE MYSELF IN THE
LIPID POOL OF THESE GUYS' EYES. SEND IN A SCUBA TEAM, FROG MEN
AFTER ME TO FISH ME OUT OF THESE GUYS' EYES.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. I'M GOING TO GET THE BENDS
COMING UP OUT OF HENRY CAVILL'S EYES TONIGHT.
THE SECOND IS I'M DONE WITH MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
>> Jon: OH, YOU'RE DONE. >> Stephen: I'M DONE, BABY,
DONE! I HOPE PEOPLE LIKE IT BECAUSE
DADDY'S DONE! >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU FINISHED YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?
>> Jon: NO, BUT IS THAT EARLY FOR YOU?
>> OH, YES. >> Jon: IT'S EARLY.
>> Stephen: I'M 100% AND I'M SURE I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMEBODY.
I'M SURE AT DECEMBER 24 AT 5 :00 I'M GOING TO BE HAULING ASS DOWN
THE HIGHWAY TOWARD, LIKE, A HARDWARE STORE TO BUY MY
FATHER-IN-LAW A WRENCH. LET'S CUT THAT OUT BECAUSE I
DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M GETTING HIM A WRENCH.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, AND I HOPE YOU DO...
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY
UNWRAPPING THE DAY'S NEWS, PLACING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL
ORNAMENTS UPON THE HAND-CUT DOUGLAS FIR OF THE DAY'S TOP
STORIES, SPRINKLING BIODEGRADABLE TINSEL ON THE
BOUGHS WITH PRECISION AND DECADES OF TRAINING THAT COMES
ACROSS AS EFFORTLESS, CHECKING EACH JOKE BULB FOR OPTIMAL
TWINKLE, AND FINALLY TOPPING IT OFF WITH A FAMILY HEIRLOOM STAR
TO CREATE THE MAGICAL CHRISTMAS MEMORY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I BREAK INTO A HOME DEPOT, HUFF
A BOTTLE OF GOO GONE, STEAL A PALLET OF TWO BY FOURS, A PILE
OF RUSTY NAILS, A BUCKET OF DISCONTINUED FAUCET PARTS, SLAP
THEM TOGETHER WITH RECEIPT PAPER AND INDUSTRIAL ADHESIVE, PUT IT
OUTSIDE THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW OF THE RETIREMENT HOME I WAS
KICKED OUT OF FOR A VERY GOOD REASON, AND THROW IN A COUPLE
MANNEQUINS STOLEN FROM A BURNED OUT FOREVER 21 TO CREATE THE
HELLSCAPE CRECHE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A STORY THAT HEALS A NATION. ( APPLAUSE )
WRITER, GERALDINE DERUITER HAS GONE VIRAL AFTER WRITING A
REVIEW OF WHAT SHE CALLS THE WORST MICHELIN STARRED
RESTAURANT EVER, THAT SERVED 27 COURSES, INCLUDING SLIVERS OF
EDIBLE PAPER, SHOTS OF VINEGAR, AND THIS ABOMINATION: THIS,
CITRUS FOAM SERVED IN A PLASTER CAST IN THE SHAPE OF THE CHEF'S
MOUTH. KEEP IN MIND, IT WAS NO SPOON,
NO STRAW, AND DINERS WERE TOLD TO KISS THE MOUTH OF THE RAMEKIN
IN ORDER TO SLURP OUT THE FOAM. I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD IT TASTES.
I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO IMMEDIATELY START TONGUING DOWN
ON ONE OF MY DISHES. I REALLY FEEL LIKE I SHOULD AT
LEAST BUY MY DINNER DINNER FIRST.
MEANWHILE, VAPING HAS BEEN LINKED TO ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
THAT COMES AS A REAL SHOCK FOR THOSE OF US WHO ASSUMED BLUE
RASPBERRY COTTON-CANDY- FLAVORED SMOKE SUCKED OUT OF A THUMB
DRIVE WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOUR PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO KNEW?
MEANWHILE, BAKERS IN MASSACHUSETTS HAVE MADE THE
WORLD'S LARGEST POT BROWNIE THAT WEIGHS 850 POUNDS AND IS FOR
SALE. HOWEVER, EXPERIENCED EDIBLE
USERS RECOMMEND JUST EATING JUST 200 POUNDS, WAITING TWO HOURS TO
SEE HOW YOU FEEL. MEANWHILE
♪ IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON ♪ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
CHRISTMAS MOVIES. WE ALL KNOW THE OLD CLASSICS
LIKE, "MIRACLE ON 34th STREET," "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE," AND
"HOME ALONE." BUT THIS YEAR, VH1 IS PUTTING
OUT A NEW CROP OF "RAUNCHY AS HELL" CHRISTMAS MOVIES.
THE NEW HORNY HOLIDAY FLICKS INCLUDE, "ADVENTURES IN
CHRISTMASING," IN WHICH A MAN BRAGS ABOUT EATING BULL
TESTICLES TO INCREASE HIS SEXUAL APPETITE.
and "LET'S GET MERRIED," WHICH FEATURES A TIGHT GROUP OF
GIRLFRIENDS DEBATING THE DYNAMICS OF TOSSING THE SALAD.
and IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, IT'S A LITTLE LIKE WHAT
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO TO THIS RAMEKIN.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STOLE CHRISTMAS," FEATURING A GROUP OF DRAG QUEENS AND
PROCLAIMED SLUTS DRESSED AS DOMINATRIXES, SINGING AN X -RATED
VERSION OF "THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS."
OKAY, BUT "THE 12 DAYS OF
CHRISTMAS" IS ALREADY X -RATED. YOU GOT EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKIN',
ELEVEN PIPERS PIPING, AND I'M GUESSING THOSE FIVE GOLDEN RINGS
DON'T ALL GO ON YOUR FINGERS. I FIND THIS NEW TREND
DISTURBING. I FIND THIS HIGHLY DISTURBING,
BECAUSE I'M NOT MAKING ANY MONEY OFF IT.
WHICH IS WHY I, IN CONJUNCTION WITH PARAMOUNT+, HAVE PRODUCED
A NEW SLATE OF EVEN NASTIER HOLIDAY SOON-TO-BE CLASSICS THAT
I'M CALLING... ( 70'S PORNO MUSC )
X-MAS." >> I'M A HO, HO, HO!
>> Stephen: OUR HOST OF HOLIDAY PROGRAMMING IS SO SHOCKING THAT,
JUST LIKE GEORGE BAILEY, YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN.
WE'RE TALKING TITILLATING TITLES LIKE:
"HUMP THE HERALD ANGELS SING," "OHHHHHHHHH CHRISTMAS TREE,"
"I SAW MOMMY DOING SANTA CLAUS," "THE POLE-HER EXPRESS,"
"MIRACLE ON 69TH STREET," "SCREWDOLPH THE RED-NIPPED
PAINDEER," AND, OF COURSE, "HERE COMES
SANTA CLAUS." IT'S ALL AVAILABLE--
( APPLAUSE ) PARAMOUNT+: A MOUNTAIN OF
MOUNTING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HENRY
CAVILL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS SUPER -MAN.
HE NOW STARS IN, "THE WITCHER," WHICH RETURNS FOR SEASON TWO
THIS FRIDAY. PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW,
HENRY CAVILL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
WE'VE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TALK BEFORE.
>> WE HAVE NOT, BUT WE'RE HERE NOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT? >> WE'RE HERE NOW.
>> Stephen: YES, WE ARE, WE ARE HERE NOW.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT STILL FREAKS ME OUT WHEN I HEAR YOUR
ACCENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BELIEVABLY AN AMERICAN TO ME.
YOU'RE THE MOST AMERICAN OF ALL. YOU'RE SUPER MAN.
>> THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE THAT. THAT WAS NOT ALWAYS YOUR
SENTIMENT WAS IT. >> Stephen: ON THE OLD SHOW, I
BELIEVE I MADE FUN OF THE FACT YOU WERE CAST AS A SUPER MAN,
AND I SAID, "WE WANT A SUPER MAN, NOT A SMASHING GHENT."
I WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION, AND THIS IS A SINCERE QUESTION, I
LOVE THE LOOK OF YOUR SUPER MAN, AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT THE FACT HE DOESN'T HAVE THE BIG RED UNDERWEAR?
BECAUSE HE LOOKS A LITTLE NAKED TO ME.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT. >> WE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS A BIT OF A HANGOVER FROM
STRONGMAN FROM 20s OR SOMETHING.
AND I THOUGHT-- I THOUGHT THAT ACTUALLY IT HAD POTENTIAL TO
WORK. I MEAN, MAYBE NOT EXACTLY THOSE
ONES. >> Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT.
ADMITTEDLY HIS HIMSELF ARE WIDER THAN HIS SHOULDERS.
BUT I KIND OF MISS THE GRANDMA PANTIES.
>> YEAH... >> Stephen: ON SUPERMAN.
>> I REALLY LOVED MY SUIT. I THOUGHT IT WAS-- I THOUGHT IT
WAS PRETTY COOL. HOWEVER, IF IT WERE TO HAPPEN
AGAIN, I WOULD DEFINITELY BE OPEN TO THE IDEA OF ADDING THE
TRUNKS IN SOME WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, MAYBE SOMETHING TASTEFUL LIKE A RED
THONG OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> YEAH, YEAH, JUST IN THE BACK.
>> Stephen: RED THONG SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF A VILLAIN FROM
D.C. "I'M THE RED THONG!"
NOW, YOU ALSO-- AND THIS IS A TRUE, TRUE NERD CRED-- IS THAT
YOU BUILT YOUR OWN GAMING P .C. >> I DID.
>> Stephen: OKAY, AND-- ( APPLAUSE )
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: I'M NOT A GAMER.
WHAT'S THE THE VALUE OF BUILDING YOUR OWN GAMING P .C.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? >> IT'S KIND OF-- IT'S JUST THE
EXPERIENCE. YOU ARE BUILDING SOMETHING WHICH
IS ENTIRELY CUSTOM TO YOU. IT'S THE DOING ALL THE RESEARCH,
LEARNING HOW TO PUT IT TOGETHER, GETTING OVER THE TERROR OF THESE
EXPENSIVE COMPONENTS ARRIVING IN THE MAIL, AND YOU JUST PLUGGING
THEM IN LIKE ADULT LEGO. AND THEM HOPING YOU DON'T BLOW
UP THE HOUSE WHEN YOU PRESS THE "POWER" BUTTON.
AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY RWARDING WHEN YOU DON'T BLOW UP
THE HOUSE. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
AND THIS THING HAS THE CAPABILITIES THAT YOU NEED--
>> THAT YOU WANT SPECIFICALLY FOR YOUR NEEDS, WHETHER IT'S
EDITING VIDEOS, WHETHER IT'S PLAYING P.C. GAMES OR BOTH,
IT'S-- IT'S TAILORED TO YOU AND THAT MAKES IT SPECIAL.
>> Stephen: WE WENT SO FAR AS MAKING A VIDEO OF YOU PUTTING
YOUR P.C. GAMING TOGETHER ♪ YOU'RE ALL I'M LIVING FOR YOUR
LOVE I'LL KEEP FOREVERMORE ♪ YOU'RE THE FIRST
YOU'RE THE LAST MY EVERYTHING ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT--
WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE? DO YOU GET-- LIKE, WHERE DO THE
INTRODUCTIONS COME FROM? OR ARE YOU JUST LIKE ASKING
FRIENDS? >> YOUTUBE VIDEOS.
THERE IS A GUY I WATCHED A LOT OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON AND HE WAS
FANTASTIC. HE WAS REALLY INFORMATIVE ABOUT
HOW TO DO ALL THIS STUFF. AND THEN IT'S JUST READING THE
MANUAL. WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T DO,
AND THEY END UP ASKING QUESTIONS ONLINE, AND PEOPLE ALWAYS
RSPOND WITH R.T.F.M., AND THAT'S IT.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS? >> READ THE... MANUAL.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BRIEF BREAK, BUT, PLUZ, YOU
STAY, HENRY CAVILL, AND YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF HIM.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH HENRY
CAVILL. LET'S TALK ABOUT "THE WITCHER"
FOR A SECOND. FOR THOSE OF THE PEOPLE OUT
THERE WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE GERALT AND HIS WITCHERRING,
WHAT'S A WITCHER? >> A WITCHER IS A MUTRAITED
HUMAN. THEY ARE TAKEN IN AS CHILDREN,
AND THEY ARE FED ALL SORTS OF HERBS AND MAGICAL PROCESSES,
CHEMICAL PROCESS AND THEY BECOME FASTER, STRONGER, AND ABLE TO
TAKE THESE PORSCHEIENTS WHICH WOULD KILL A NORMAL MAN.
AND THEY ARE THEN TRAINED TO HUNT MONSTERS.
AND THEN THEY GO OUT THERE, AS MERCENARIES, AND HUNT MONSTERS
FOR MONEY. >> Stephen: ONE OF MY KIDS HAS
A QUESTION FOR YOU, WHICH IS IF YOU COULD TAKE ANY OF THE
PORSCHE ENTS THAT THE WITCHER HAS, AS YOU, HENRY CAVILL, WHAT
WOULD YOU TAKE? WOULD YOU TAKE ANY OF THE
POTIENTS? >> NONE OF THEM.
>> Stephen: NO? >> DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
TOXIC. IT WOULD KILL ME.
>> Stephen: OKAY. BUT IF-- BUT THEY ALSO GIVE YOU
POWERS, RIGHT? >> YES, OKAY THERE ARE DIFFERENT
THINGS, THERE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS, YES.
WHEN I PLAY THE GAMES, THE POTIENTS ARE A GAME THING.
THERE IS A REFERENCE TO POTIENTS IN THE BOOKS AS WELL.
I WOULD SAY FROM THE GAMES THERE WAS ONE POTIENT WHICH ALLOWED
YOU TO BREATHE UNDER WATER, WHICH SEEMED PRETTY COOL.
I LOVE SCUBA DIVING MYSELF, SO IT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL TO DO
THAT WITHOUT THE GEAR. >> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YEAH. ( LAUGHTER ).
NICE. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO GO?
WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SCUBA DIVE?
>> I HAVE SCUBA DIVED IN FLORIDA AND FIJI-- FIJI WAS AMAZING.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY SO. >> ESPECIALLY DURING NIGHT DIVES
OUT THERE AND STUFF. >> Stephen: NIGHT DIVES.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT AFRAID
OF THE SHARKIE-POOING NIBBLING ON YOUR TOES WILL AT NIGHT?
>> 100%. >> DID YOU SEE THEM?
>> THE TRICK IS YOU DIVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND SO --
>> Stephen: HOPEFULLY THEY'LL EATING THE OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT
YOU. >> YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING.
BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO IS-- BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THESE VARIOUS
LIGHTS, WHETHER IT'S HEADLIGHTS OR A FLASHLIGHT YOU HOLD IN YOUR
HAND. YOU CREATE THIS ENORMOUS POOL OF
LIGHT AROUND YOU ALL. SO IF YOU SWITCH YOUR LIGHT OFF
AND SWIM BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE, THE SHARKS CAN ALL SEE THEM, BUT
THEY CAN'T SEE YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE YOU DO SEE SHARKS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE LIGHT.
YOU SEE THESE WHITE, GHOSTLY BODIES IN THE WATER AND THEY
DISAPPEARA AGAIN. THAT'S REALLY BAD.
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, IT'S TERRIFYING.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT, "THIS IS A BAD IDEA"?
>> I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A REALLY BAD SCENARIO YET, BUT IT
HAPPENS. SCARY STUFF HAPPENS DOWN THERE.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE. YEAH, NO.
>> YOU SHOULD TRY IT? HAVE YOU TRIED IT?
>> I'VE DIEFD DURING THE DAY AND THAT'S LOVELY.
>> IT'S AMAZING LOOKING UP AND SEEING THE MOON THROUGH THE TOP
OF THE WATER. IT IS EXTRAORDINARY.
I RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE. >> Stephen: WOW.
AND FIJI JUST IN GENERAL, I'M ASSUMING, IS ALSO PRETTY NICE.
>> IT IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL UP ON THE THERE.
REALLY, REALLY TRULY STUNNING. >> Stephen: NOW, COMPARE FIJI
AND FLORIDA. ( LAUGHTER )
FIJI, AND THEN WE WENT TO FIJI REAL QUICK WITH YOUR STORY.
>> THE DIVING IS ACTUALLY SURPRISINGLY GOOD DOWN THERE.
>> >> Stephen: AND THERE ARE
THINGS TO SCARE OW LAND DOWN THERE, TOO.
>> SLEUTH. >> Stephen: IT'S FLORIDIANS.
DEFINITELY DON'T GO OUT AT NIGHT.
DON'T GO DAY DIVING IN FLORIDA. WE HAVE A CLIP FROM THE NEW
SEASON. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO SEE HERE?
IT'S YOU WITH A BIG SWORD. >> IT'S ME WITH A BIG SWORD, AND
THAT PRETTY MUCH COVERS ANY SCENE WE'RE GOING TO SEE.
>> Stephen: JIM, SWORD ME.
>> Stephen: DOESN'T LOOK GOOD. LOOKS BAD FOR GERALT.
>> REALLY BAD. >> Stephen: HEENERY, IT'S
LOVELY TO ME YOU. SEASON TWO OF "THE WITCHER"
PREMIERS THIS FRIDAY ON NETFLIX. HENRY CAVILL, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JONATHAN GROFF.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "MINDHUNTER," "FROZEN," AND "HAMILTON."
NOW HE'S IN "THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS."
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO THE LATE SHOW, JONATHAN GROFF ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GROFF. >> HELLO, HELLO.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK. >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING,
I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE BECAUSE I'M SUPER COOL AND SPECIAL.
AND CAN I-- CAN WE-- WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT WHO YOU ARE?
LIKE, WHAT CAN I REVEAL? CAN WE REVEAL ANYTHING, OR--
YOU'RE A BADDIE. >> YOU COULD SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: IS THAT FAIR? YOU'RE A BADDIE.
OTHER THAN THAT, WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT?
>> I MEAN MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW THE RULES.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW,
EITHER. >> BUT I HAVE AN INTERACTION
WITH KEANU. >> Stephen: THAT IS VERY
EVOCATIVE OF SOME OF THE OTHER SCENES WE SAW IN THE ORIGINAL
"MATRIX" TRILOGY. I'LL LEAVE THAT EXPLANATION
RIGHT THERE. >> OKAY, PERFECT.
>> Stephen: IT CAME OUT IN 1999, THE ORIGINAL.
YOU WERE QUITE YOUNG AT THAT POINT, ONE IMAGINES.
WERE YOU A FAN? WHEN DID-- WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST
ENCOUNTER WITH THE "MATRIX" MOVIES?
>> I WAS 14 WHEN IT CAME TO THE THEATERS.
AND A COUPLE OF-- SO I DIDN'T SEE IT THEN.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE? >> IT WAS RATED "R," AND I
WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO. >> Stephen: I FORGOT.
I FORGOT. IT'S GOT THE SEXY.
>> YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY. SO THEN A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER,
I WENT WITH MY FRIENDS TO THE BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, BLOCKBUSTER
VIDEO. >> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT.
>> REMEMBER THAT. >> Stephen: SURE, THAT WAS
FUN. >> THAT WAS FUN.
>> Stephen: I MISS THAT. >> AND WE GOT THE VHS.
>> Stephen: SURE, REWIND. >> EXACTLY.
THOSE EMPTY BOXES AND YOU WOULD SEE IF THE MOVIE THERE WAS OR
NOT. AND WE WERE VERY EXCITED "THE
MATRIX" WAS THERE AND WE HAD OUR MINDS BLOWN.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO AUDITION?
YOU HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE, IT'S A SEMINAL MOVIE, IT'S SORT OF
CHANGED SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES IN KIND OF A PROFOUND AWAY WAY.
IT'S A BRILLIANT FILM. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO GO AUDITION TO
BE PART OF THE CONTINUATION OF THIS INCREDIBLE SERIES?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN I WENT-- SO CARMEN CUBA, WHO IS THE
AMAZING -- >> Stephen: YOU WENT IN TO
AUDITION NOT KNOWING ANYTHING? >> SHE TEXTED ME AND SHE SAID,
"THERE'S A VERY EXCITING MOVIE WITH A VERY EXCITING DIRECTOR.
WILL YOU FLY TO SAN FRANCISCO AND MEET SAID DIRECTOR ON YOUR
DAY OFF FROM 'LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS'."
I SAID, YES, AND THEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS LANA WACHOWSKI AND IT
WAS "THE MATRIX." AND I THOUGHT I'M NOT GETTING
THERE, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO MEET LANA, I'M A HUGE FAN AND WENT TO
SAN FRANCISCO. >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE
TRAINING? DID THEY JACK IT INTO THE BACK
OF YOUR HEAD AND FEED IT IN, BECAUSE THEY CAN DO THAT NOW.
THEY CAN DO THAT. ELON MUSK IS WORKING ON THAT
NOW, THE CHIP IN THE HEAD. WHAT SORT OF TRAINING ARE WE
TALKING HERE? >> IT WAS TWO MONTHS OF TRAINING
WITH MY FRIEND AND TRAINER ERIC JOHNSON IN NEW YORK TO GET READY
FOR THE FIGHT TRAINING, WHICH WAS ABOUT FOUR MONTHS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD TO TRAIN FOR THE TRAINING?
>> I HAD TO TRAIN FOR THE TRAINING.
>> Stephen: WOW. DID YOU GET BIG.
LIKE I'M SURE YOU'RE ALREADY FIT.
MUSICAL THEATER GUYS ARE ALWAYS READY TO GO, YOU'RE DANCERS.
>> HAVE THE DANCE BELT ON ALWAYS, JUST IN CASE.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO. >> RIGHT.
I CAN TELL. >> Stephen: IT'S ON RIGHT NOW,
IT'S COMFY. >> I CAN SEE IT.
TAP SHOES AND A DANCE BELT ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: 100%. 100%.
>> YOU HAD TO TRAIN FOR THE TRAINING.
AND THEN WHEN I GOT IN FOR THE FIGHT TRAINING, I WALKED INTO
THE TENT, AND KEANU IS THERE IN HIS JUJITSU OUTFIT, COVERED IN
SWEAT, GOING LIKE BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP.
AND I WAS LIKE WHAT? WHAT?
CARRIE-ANNE WAS FIGHTING-- MOSS.
THE CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, SHE IS LOOKING LIKE SHE HASN'T AGED A
DAY AND IS FIGHTING LITERALLY 20 PEOPLE.
AND I THOUGHT, WOW, AM I REALLY GOING TO STEP ON THIS MAT?
BUT I JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.
I TOOK ALL OF MY ANXIETY, TURNED IT INTO RAGE, AS THE CHARACTER.
THEY CALLED ME "THE SAVAGE" IN THE TRAINING TENT.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> YEAH.
AND I JUST, LIKE, WENT FOR IT. >> Stephen: NOW, YOU SAID-- I
HEARD THAT YOU SAID THAT STAGE FIGHTING IS LIKE MAKING LOVE.
AND I'M CURIOUS WHY-- WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL FAKE? >> Stephen: WHY IS IT?
WHY IS THAT THE CASE? ( APPLAUSE )
CONTROL AND STUFF LIKE THAT? >> YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> IT'S A-- IT'S A PHYSICAL
DIALOGUE. SO...
( LAUGHS ). >> Stephen: IF YOU EVER-- IF
YOU EACH CUT AN ALBUM OF LOVE TONGZ OF SONGS THAT'S GOT TO BE
THE NAME OF THE ALBUM. JONATHAN GROFF: "PHYSICAL
DIALOGUE." YOU IN A HEADBAND LIKE OLIVIA
NAUGHTON JOHN. >> YES!
YES INSPECT JOHN TRAVOLTA IN "STAYING ALIVE."
THERE ARE NO LINES. IT'S LIKE DOING A LOVE SCENE
BECAUSE YOU'RE TELLING THE STORY WITH YOUR BODY.
IT'S MORE INTENSE IN A FIGHT... ( LAUGHS )
BECAUSE-- AND KEANU KIND OF TAUGHT ME A LOT ABOUT THIS.
THERE'S, LIKE, AN AGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE CONTACT. YOU'RE GOING TO PUT...
( LAUGHS ) ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU'RE GOING TO HIT EACH
OTHER,s BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A PHYSICAL AGREEMENT THAT
YOU'RE NOT GOING-- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT-- ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE'S A CAMERA... >> AND THERE'S A CAMERA.
AND... >> Stephen: YOU KNOW.
>> AND A DIRECTOR. >> Stephen: A DIRECTOR.
AND THERE'S CRAFT SERVICES AND A UNION, YOU KNOW, MAKING LOVE.
>> THE PARALLELS ARE END MS. >> Stephen: THEY SURE ARE.
SPEAKING OF THE PARALLELS OF MAKING LOVE AND, SHALL WE SAY,
PHYSICAL AWAKENING, WE ARE COMING UP-- YOUR BREAKOUT ROLE
WAS BROADWAY'S "SPRING AWAKENING" IN 2006.
THERE YOU ARE. ( APPLAUSE )
I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT-- SO Y'ALL IN NOVEMBER, THE ORIGINAL
CAST CAME TOGETHER FOR THE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF THE
BROADWAY DEBUT. LOOK AT YOU GUYS NOW.
HOW DID YOU GET HOTTER? HOW IS THAT-- TIME GENERALLY
DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE HOTTER. YOU GUYS ARE SCORCHINGLY SEXY
HERE. >> MY GOSH.
THANK YOU, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: NO, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! WE'RE THE ONES WHO GET TO SEE
IT. THANK YOU.
>> OH, WOW. >> Stephen: ANY ADVICE ON THE
REST OF US HOW TO STAY KNOW-- >> YOU'RE KILLING IT.
YOU LOOK GREAT. >> Stephen: THANKS.
YOU CAN COME BACK ANY TIME. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU CAN COME BACK ANY TIME, MAN, ANY TIME.
>> THANK YOU. WE DID THE SPRING AWAKENING
CONCERT AS A BENEFIT FOR THE ACTORS FUND
( CLEARS THROAT ) YOU GOT THIS.
>> Stephen: I GOT SO EXCITED I FORGOT TO SWALLOW.
IT'S A WONDERFUL FUND. >> SINCE MARCH OF 2020, THE
ACTORS FUND HAS GIVEN OUT $24.2 MILLION TO PEOPLE IN THE
ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. ( APPLAUSE )
KNOW, ALL THE THEATER ACTORS LOST THEIR JOBS, AND THIS
ORGANIZATION CAME IN AND SAVED THE INDUSTRY.
SO, ALSO, HBO AND RADICA MEDIA PAID FOR US TO DO THIS CONCERT
AND ARE MAKING A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE THAT'S
GOING TO COME OUT THIS SPRING. ( APPLAUSE )
A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH VERY HAVING
ME. >> Stephen: "THE MATRIX:
RESURRECTIONS" IS IN THEATERS AND ON HBO MAX ON DECEMBER 22.
JONATHAN GROFF, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE DENZEL WASHINGTON AND MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS