CHRIS WALLACE, THE LONGTIME ANCHOR OF FOX NEWS SUNDAY
ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT HE'S
LEAVING THE NETWORK TO MOVE TO CNN'S NEW STREAMING SERVICE.
>> THIS IS INCREASINGLY THE TUCKER CARLSON CHANNEL, AND
JOURNALISTS LIKE WALLACE JUST COULD NOT ABIDE IT ANYMORE.
THIS NETWORK HAS RADICALIZED, AND THERE'S NO ROOM ANYMORE FOR
PEOPLE LIKE CHRIS WALLACE. >> FINALLY, A PERSONAL NOTE.
AFTER 18 YEARS, THIS IS MY FINAL "FOX NEWS SUNDAY."
>> THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY NAMES
THAT ARE FLOATED AROUND IN WASHINGTON.
>> KYLE RITTENHOUSE.
MR. POTATO HEAD. THE GHOST OF RONALD REAGAN.
YOUR AUNT CAROL DRUNK ON WINE.
>> HEY, THAT'S ME!
SOMEONE WHO'S REALLY NOT VERY SMART.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE TWELVE
SLAVE-OWNING ANIMATRONIC FIGURES IN THE HALL OF THE PRESIDENTS?
>> ( BLEEP ) OFF.
BE GONE, BYE-BYE.
>> O'Donnell: IT'S THE SHOW WITH STEPHEN STEPHEN!
TONIGHT, ABUSE OF PowerPoint.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES KEANU REEVES, AND MUSICAL GUEST BRETT
ELDREDGE, FEATURING J JOHN BAPTISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE THEATER THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN STEPHEN! STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND
ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. DECEMBER 13, IT IS HARD TO
BELIEVE, BUT THIS IS OUR LAST WEEK OF SHOWS FOR 2021.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I'M NOT SORRY TO SEE IT GO.
IT'S BEEN A CRAZY AND BEWILDERING YEAR.
STARTING WITH POLITICAL CHAOS, A CONTINUING PANDEMIC, AND
UNPRECEDENTED WEATHER EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD, INCLUDING THIS
WEEKEND, WHEN A MASSIVE BAND OF TORNADOES HIT 8 STATES, LEAVING
A PATH OF DEVASTATION, HITTING KENTUCKY ESPECIALLY HARD.
IF YOU WANNA HELP, AND I KNOW YOU DO, AND ARE LOOKING FOR
SUGGESTIONS, GO TO @COLBERTLATESHOW ON TWITTER,
WHERE WE HAVE A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS YOU CAN SUPPORT TO
MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THE VICTIMS OF THESE TERRIBLE
STORMS. DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU LIVE,
OR WHO YOU ARE: AMERICANS HELP EACH OTHER OUT.
( APPLAUSE ) AS I SAID, THE POLITICS OF 2021
STARTED WITH VIOLENCE. OUR 3RD SHOW OF THE YEAR WAS
JANUARY 6TH. MY NO-DRINK-JANUARY QUICKLY
TURNED INTO VODKAVEMBER. OVER 11 MONTHS LATER, WE STILL
DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT DARK DAY, AND THUS FAR,
THE RINGLEADERS HAVE GOTTEN OFF SCOT-FREE.
THAT MAY BE ABOUT TO CHANGE, THANKS TO THE HOUSE SELECT
COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6TH. THEY ARE TURNING UP THE HEAT ON
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING OF THE
INSURRECTION LIKE, FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN
USING ONE PHONE TO CALL HIS OTHER PHONE TO PRETEND HE HAS
FRIENDS, MARK MEADOWS. MEADOWS ORIGINALLY AGREED TO
CO-OPERATE WITH THE COMMITTEE, BEFORE CHANGING HIS MIND.
BUT WHEN HE WAS STILL CO-OPERATING, HE GAVE THE
COMMITTEE SOME PRETTY JUICY DETAILS LIKE A POWERPOINT
DOCUMENT FILLED WITH EXTREME PLANS TO OVERTURN THE 2020
ELECTION. POWERPOINT?
THEY WEREN'T JUST TRYING TO OVERTURN DEMOCRACY, THEY WERE
TRYING TO BORE IT TO DEATH. BORED TO DEATH!
( APPLAUSE ) REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS QUOTE
FROM T.S. ELIOT: THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS:
NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH A STAR WIPE.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST LEARNED HOW TO DO THAT
( APPLAUSE ) HE SEEMS HAPPY.
HE'S PROUD OF HIMSELF. >> Jon: YEAH, HE'S PROUD OF
HIMSELF. PowerPoint.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS IN THE SLIDES OF SEDITION?
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY SURE YET, BUT THERE IS ONE DECK THAT'S BEEN
CIRCULATING, AND ONE OF THE SLIDES WAS A LIST OF
RECOMMENDATIONS, INCLUDING A PLAN TO DECLARE A NATIONAL
SECURITY EMERGENCY. NOT SURE HOW YOU DO THAT.
I ASSUME BY BREAKING INTO EVERY BROADCAST USING
THE EMERGENCY BULL-( BLEEP ) SYSTEM.
THEY WERE ALSO PLANNING TO DECLARE ELECTRONIC VOTING IN ALL
STATES INVALID. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
INSTEAD, THEY WANTED TO RELY ONLY ON LEGAL AND GENUINE PAPER
BALLOT COUNTS. OK, SO IF YOU CAN'T TRUST
COMPUTERS, HOW ARE YOU GIVING YOUR PRESENTATION?
VIA POWERPOINT PIGEON? THEY'RE STAGING A COUP-COUP!
( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE BIG MYSTERIES OF
JANUARY 6 IS: WHERE WAS THE NATIONAL GUARD?
WELL, INFORMATION THE COMMITTEE GOT FROM MEADOWS MAY SHED SOME
LIGHT ON THAT. BECAUSE ON JANUARY 5, HE SENT AN
EMAIL INDICATING THAT THE NATIONAL GUARD WAS ON
STANDBY, TO PROTECT THE RIOTERS. THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY PROTECT
THE MAGA MOB WOULD BE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND BEG THEIR FATHERS TO
HUG THEM MORE. THESE DETAILS ARE JUST FURTHER
PROOF THAT THE RIGHT WING HAS GONE COMPLETELY BONKERSNUTSO.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, THAT YESTERDAY, CHRIS WALLACE
ANNOUNCED HE'S LEAVING FOX NEWS. IT'S THE END OF AN ERA.
BUT, LUCKILY, FOX HAS ALREADY FILLED THE TIME SLOT WITH
THE FLAMING CHRISTMAS TREE. ( APPLAUSE )
GREAT RATINGS. INCROABL RATINGS.
SUPER BOWL RATINGS. >> Jon: PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH
THAT, I GUESS. >> Stephen: WITH WALLACE'S
EXIT, FOX NEWS WILL BE LOSING THEIR MOST
DECORATED DOWN-THE-MIDDLE JOURNALIST.
YEP, THERE GOES FOX NEWS' LAST SHRED OF CREDIBILITY.
NOW, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN FROM, FAIR AND BALANCED
TO, HORSE PASTE AND GUNS ARGLE BARGLE ARGLE BARGLE
BARGLE ARGLE BARGLE ( APPLAUSE )
WALLACE'S FINAL SHOW WAS YESTERDAY AND HIS LAST GUEST WAS
LINDSEY GRAHAM. WOW.
WHAT A WAY TO GO. THAT'S LIKE BEING ABLE TO
REQUEST ANYTHING AS YOUR LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW AND ORDERING
AN INTERVIEW WITH LINDSEY GRAHAM.
WHAT'S NEXT FOR CHRIS? WALLACE WILL BE JOINING CNN
PLUS. WELL, SURE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THEIR LOSE-A-CHRIS, GET-A-CHRIS
PROGRAM. ( APPLAUSE )
QUALITY JOE. THAT'S A QUALITY JOKE.
IT'S TRUE. WE'VE LEARNED AN INTERESTING
TIDBIT ABOUT RUSSIAN PRESIDENT, AND MAN WHO FORGOT TO TAKE THE
COAT HANGER OUT OF HIS JACKET THIS MORNING, VLADIMIR PUTIN.
I THINK YOU LOOK LOVELY, SIR. ( LAUGHTER )
PUTIN SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH RUSSIAN STATE TELEVISION,
OR AS HE CALLS IT, A SELFIE. AND HE MADE A SURPRISING
ADMISSION-- HE SAID THAT AFTER THE COLLAPSE OF THE SOVIET
UNION, HE WAS FORCED TO WORK AS A TAXI DRIVER TO EARN EXTRA
CASH. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS NOT A VERY
GOOD DRIVER, BASED ON THIS REVIEW:
ONE STAR. ONE WAIT TIME.
I WAS MURDERED. STILL ONE STAR IF YOU'RE
MURDERED. AND I'M GUESSING PUTIN DRIVES A
CAB THE SAME WAY HE RIDES A HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, MOVING ON HERE.
I'M VERY CAREFUL NOT TO GIVE SPOILERS ABOUT POPULAR TV SHOWS.
ESPECIALLY THIS ONE. ALTHOUGH WORD MAY HAVE LEAKED
OUT THAT WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO, I'VE BEEN A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE NEWS DEMANDS THAT I SHARE A MAJOR
SPOILER FROM THE NEW SEX AND THE CITY SEQUEL: AND JUST LIKE THAT,
BECAUSE IN THE FIRST EPISODE, CARRIE'S HUSBAND MR. BIG SUFFERS
A FATAL HEART ATTACK WHILE USING A PELOTON BIKE.
WOW. THERE HASN'T BEEN AN
EXERCISE-RELATED TV DEATH THIS SHOCKING SINCE A BOWFLEX SHOT
J.R.. MR. BIG'S DEATH WAS SO
TRAUMATIC, THAT AFTER THE SHOW PREMIERED, PELOTON STOCK FELL
11%. THIS IS WHY I RARELY SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT REAL BRANDS ON THIS SHOW.
CASE IN POINT, LAST WEEK, AFTER SENATOR RON JOHNSON SAID
GARGLING WITH MOUTHWASH CURES COVID, I WANTED TO DO A JOKE ON
THE SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE DIPPING THEIR BALLS INTO A NAME BRAND
MOUTHWASH. I CAN'T SAY WHICH BRAND BUT IT'S
WITHIN THE SCOPE OF ONES YOU'VE HEARD OF BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CHRIS HEARD FROM THE NETWORK'S ARMY OF LAWYERS AND AD SALES
PROFESSIONALS, AND THEY SAID, THE ONLY MOUTHWASH BRAND I WAS
ALLOWED TO RECOMMEND DIPPING YOUR BALLS INTO WAS SOMETHING
CALLED THERA-BREATH? HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF THAT?
NEITHER HAD I. BUT NOW I KNOW IT IS THE NUMBER
ONE DENTIST RECOMMENDED MOUTHWASH TO
FRESHEN YOUR TESTICLES. ( LAUGHTER )
THERA-BREATH, GET TINGLY ON YOUR JINGLIES
( APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN'T BUY THAT KIND OF
ADVERTISING! I'D BUY STOCK IN THERA -BREATH
RIGHT NOW! IT'S THE ONLY MOUTHWASH I USE!
ANYWAY, PELOTON KNEW THAT THEIR PRODUCT WAS PART OF THE PLOT.
THEY EVEN LET THE SHOW CAST JESS KING, ONE OF THEIR ACTUAL
TRAINERS, AS MR. BIG'S INSTRUCTOR.
FOR THE RECORD, PELOTON INSTRUCTORS AREN'T SUPPOSED KILL
YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP YELLING AFFIRMATIONS WHILE YOU PUKE INTO
A DECORATIVE BOWL IN YOUR GUEST ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) PELOTON DIDN'T LOVE BEING
BLINDSIDED BY THIS PLOT POINT, SAYING HBO DID NOT DISCLOSE THE
LARGER CONTEXT SURROUNDING THE SCENE TO PELOTON IN ADVANCE.
OKAY, BUT PELOTON MUST'VE SEEN THIS COMING.
EVERYONE WHO'S EVER USED ONE KNOWS THAT, AT SOME POINT DURING
EACH RIDE, YOU THINK, I'M DYING. THIS IS HOW I DIE.
SO... OVER THE WEEKEND, PELOTON TURNED
UP THE RESISTANCE ON THEIR DAMAGE CONTROL, BLAMING BIG'S
DEATH ON HIS EXTRAVAGANT LIFESTYLE, CITING COCKTAILS,
CIGARS, AND BIG STEAKS. ( APPLAUSE )
OMITTING THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF DEATH: HE'S A MADE UP PERSON AND
THE WRITERS CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN.
THEY COULD HAVE WRITTEN, BIG UNZIPS HIS SKIN AND WE SEE HE'S
A TURTLE. AND NOW THE NEXT FOUR EPISODES
TAKE PLACE IN A TERRARIUM. CARRIE BLOWS THEIR SAVINGS ON A
NEW HEATED ROCK. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN YESTERDAY, PELOTON DROPPED A COMMERCIAL STARRING CHRIS NOTH
WHO PLAYS BIG, AND THE PELETON INSTRUCTOR THAT ENDED LIKE THIS:
( MUSIC INTRO ) >> CYCLING STRENGTHENS YOUR
HEART WHILE ALSO LOWERS RESTING PULSE AND REDUCES BLOOD FAT
LEVELS. HE'S ALIVE.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S ALIVE! ( APPLAUSE )
HE'S ALIVE! EVIDENTLY, PELOTON COMMERCIALS
HAVE THE POWER TO BRING CHARACTERS BACK
TO LIFE HERE'S THEIR NEXT ONE: >> JACK.
JACK, THERE'S A BOAT, JACK. >> CYCLING IMPROVES RESTING
HEART RATE. >> Stephen: THAT'S
HEARTWARMING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: LET ME GIVE YOU A
CHOICE, WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE COMMERCIALS OR MORE SHOW?
>> AUDIENCE. MORE SHOW!
>> Announcer: THAT MIGHT MEAN SOME PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
>> AUDIENCE: PRODUCT PLACEMENT! >> Announcer: THE FIRST RULE
OF SHOW BUSINESS IS GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU TOLD THEM TO ASK
FOR! WHILE I CROSS OVER HERE, SAY
HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
>> Jon: WHOO! MORE SHOW, MORE SHOW, MORE
PRODUCT PLACEMENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON, WE HAVE ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL PERFORMERS
ON THE SHOW, KEANU REEVES. SO LUCKY, WHAT A PLEASURE.
WHAT A PLEASURE. FOLKS, TONIGHT'S MORE SHOW
IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOOR DASH'S DASH PASS, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS
JUST FOOD. BUT TURNS OUT, YEAH, I COULD
HAVE 2 DOZEN GINORMOUS LEVAIN COOKIES HERE IN 15 MINUTES.
BUT YOU GOT CVS ON HERE, I COULD ORDER A BUNCH OF DIAPERS RIGHT
NOW. I CAN ORDER 3 BOTTLES OF BOURBON
FROM THE WINE SHOP IF I WANT. AND I CAN EVEN GET A DOZEN
LONG-STEM ROSES FROM THE FLORIST IN MIDTOWN.
YOU GOT BED, BATH, AND BEYOND, WHERE I CAN ORDER LIKE, A
PUMPKIN SHAPED SOUP TUREEN AT 11:46 AT NIGHT.
SHOULD I DO IT? (CHEERS)
YEAH, ONE THING I'VE LEARNED, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY
TUREENS. ( LAUGHTER )
ANYWAY, FOLKS, AT THE END OF A ROUGH YEAR, WE COULD ALL USE A
LITTLE REST AND RELAXATION. AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE
LATEST TRENDS IN PAMPERING IN MY NEW SEGMENT: STEPHEN COLBERT'S:
I COULDN'T SELF-CARE LESS. ( LAUGHTER )
FIRST UP: HYDRATION, BUT NOT THE WIMPY WATER-BOTTLE KIND.
I'M TALKING HYDRATION TO THE EXTREEEME BECAUSE I.V. DRIPS--
THE KIND YOU MIGHT GET IF YOU'RE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL, ARE
TRENDING AS A SPA TREATMENT. YOUR MOVE, HOSPITALS.
IF YOU WANT TO STAY COMPETITIVE WITH SPAS, START TRAINING YOUR
HEART SURGEONS TO TOSS IN A COMPLIMENTARY SEAWEED WRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THESE I.V.'S ARE AS
QUICK AS ROLLING UP YOUR SLEEVE, GETTING YOUR ARM SWABBED, AND
SITTING STILL FOR 45 MINUTES TO AN HOUR.
I MEAN WHAT'S THE OPTION? DRINK A GLASS OF WATER?
( CHUCKLE ) NO, THANKS, I'M A BUSY MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS MAY BE HARD TO
BELIEVE, BUT THESE I.V. DRIPS AREN'T APPROVED BY THE FDA AND
CAN BE ADMINISTERED BY UNQUALIFIED PEOPLE IN SETTINGS
LIKE SHOPPING MALLS. AN EXCITING PROMOTION FOR THE
FIFTEEN YEAR OLD MANAGER AT THE PIERCING KIOSK.
( LAUGHTER ) OUR NEXT SPA TREND, A THERAPIST
IN LONDON HAS CREATED THE SONIC MASSAGE, COMBINING A
LUXURIOUS, HANDS-ON MASSAGE WITH AN AURAL ODYSSEY, WITH SOUNDS
INCLUDING GONG BANGING, TUNING FORKS HELD CLOSE TO THE BODY,
AND THE OCCASIONAL MEXICAN DEATH WHISTLE THROWN IN FOR GOOD
MEASURE. I'VE HEARD OF GONGS AND TUNING
FORKS, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN SOOTHED BY A MEXICAN DEATH
WHISTLE. HERE'S HOW IT SOUNDS IN THE
HANDS OF A MASTER. >> SO THIS IS THE DEATH WHISTLE.
( UNEARTHLY WHISTLE/HOWLING )
>> Stephen: >> STEPHEN: AHHH, IF I WERE ANY
MORE RELAXED RIGHT NOW I'D BE RUINING TWO PAIRS OF PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DOOR DASH.
>> STEPHEN: --I'M SORRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WE'VE GOT ALL YOUR STUFF. AND SINCE YOU SUBSCRIBED TO DASH
PASS: ZERO DELIVERY FEES. >> STEPHEN: THIS IS JUST A TV
SHOW. I DIDN'T ACTUALLY ORDER
ANYTHING. WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> WELL, BASED ON THESE ITEMS, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A
BABY, SENT YOUR WIFE FLOWERS, YOU'RE PANIC-BUYING DIAPERS, AND
POUNDING GIANT COOKIES WHILE STRESS-DRINKING OUT OF A SOUP
TUREEN. >> Stephen: GOT ME.
DoorDash, EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT SAYS HERE THAT I LOVE TV, AND IT ALSO SAYS THAT I'M ALWAYS
SURPRISED TO SEE HOW MANY SHOWS ARE ACTUALLY SPIN-OFFS AND
REBOOTS. JUST LOOK RIGHT HERE ON THIS
NETWORK. ONE SHOW, C.S.I., ALONE, HAS
SPUN-OFF CSI--COLON--MIAMI
CSI--COLON--NEW YORK CSI--COLON--CYBER
CSI--COLON--VEGAS. IT'S WHAT EARNED US THE NICKNAME
CBS, THE COLON NETWORK. THAT LOGO?
NOT AN EYE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, WE HAVE SO MANY
SPINOFFS THAT A COUPLE YEARS AGO, THIS GUY OVER HERE, JOE
SAYLOR, THE COWBOY-HAT WEARING, JAZZ LOVING DRUMMER IN OUR BAND
ACTUALLY GOT HIS OWN LATE SHOW SPINOFF CALLED, "JAZZ COWBOY."
IT'S AN ACTION PACKED DRAMA WHERE HE USES VARIOUS PERCUSSION
INSTRUMENTS TO FIGHT STREET CRIME.
JOE, HOW'S THE SHOW GOING? >> ETH GREAT.
IT JUST GOT ITS OWN SPINOFF. >> Stephen: JAZZ COWBOY, A
SPINOFF OF "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ITS OWN SPINOFF?
>> YES. >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
WELL, A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN.
WHY DON'T I SHOW YOU THE PREVIEW?
>> Stephen: WE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TIME.
>> ROLL IT, JIM. HURRY UP!
I'M HACKING AS FAST AS I CAN. WHAT WAS THAT?
>> PROBABLY JUST THE COOLING SYSTEM.
NOW KEEP BREAKING INTO THE MAINFRAME SO WE CAN DO CYBER
CRIMES. >> SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.
IS THAT A TAMBOURINE .gif? >> HOWDY HACKERS.
JAZZ COWBOY! ♪♪
♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> ENTER JAZZ PASS CODE. ( DRUM BEATS )
>> JAZZ PASS CODE ACCEPTED. NO!
THEY HACKED MY TAMBOURINE! >> ...
HELLO, WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR THE SO-CALLED JAZZ COWBOY.
WE HAVE HIJACKED THE NET AND ARE CURRENTLY DELETING ALL FORMS OF
JAZZ. >> NO!
♪♪ ♪♪
>> HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, JAZZ
COWBOY? THAT'S WHAT I CALL -- CHANGING
YOUR TUNE. ( MANIACAL LAUGHING )
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SERVERS.
THEY'RE ALL GOING DOWN. ♪♪
>> HE'S IN THE BUILDING.
CUT THE HARD LINE. ACTIVATING THE DARK WEB!
AAAHHH! >> JAZZ COWBOY!
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE JAZZ -- IS DEAD.
LASER CANON! (.
>> RELAX. DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
>> NICE ONE, JAZZ COWBOY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE SHOW, JOE, CONGRATULATIONS. AND THANKS TO PAUL GIAMATTI.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEANU REEVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM MOVIES SUCH AS, "SPEED," "POINT
BREAK," AND "JOHN WICK." HIS LATEST IS, "THE MATRIX
RESURRECTIONS."
>> NO. NO, NO, NO!
NO! >> WHOA, WHOA, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
NO? YOU WANTED THIS.
YOU DID THIS. THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.
>> IT WAS A TEST! AN EXPERIMENT!
>> AN EXPERIMENT? YOU PUT ME IN A TINY ASSHOLE,
LEFT ME TO BANG MY HEAD TILL I LOST MY MIND SEARCHING FOR YOU
AS AN EXPERIMENT. >> BREAKING DOWN.
HE HASN'T TAKEN THE PILL. NO TIME.
HE'S HAVING A MOMENT. DOES HE KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO HACK THAT MIRROR? >> STILL OPEN.
THIS -- THIS CAN'T BE REAL! !>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," KEANU REEVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> GOOD EVENING!
HELLO, NEW YORK! >> Stephen: HEY, GOOD TO SEE
YOU AGAIN. >> NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK VERY DAPPER TONIGHT.
>> OH, THAT'S KIND. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL. THANK YOU FOR DRESSING UP.
NOT EVERYBODY DOES. >> I LIKE DRESSING UP.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T RAISED RIGHT.
YOU OBVIOUSLY WERE. I WATCHED THE MOVIE LAST NIGHT.
SUPER FUN TO SEE YOU AGAIN AS MR. ANDERSON AND NEIL.
ALSO SUPER FUN FOR US, THE AUDIENCE, TO KNOW MORE THAN
MR. ANDERSON DOES AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FILM.
>> I THINK THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT DELIGHTFUL.
>> Stephen: YOUR RETIES COVER OF THE MATRIX AND OF TRINITY,
TOO. IM NOT GOING TO GIVE ANY MORE
AWAY. THE SCENES OF YOU GUYS TOGETHER
ARE FANTASTIC. >> THANKS.
>> Stephen: THEY REALLY ARE, LIKE, WE'RE PULLING FOR YOU GUYS
AS A COUPLE. >> ME, TOO!
>> Stephen: 2003, THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS CAME OUT, WACOSKI
SAID WE'RE DONE. WERE YOU SHOCKED WHEN THEY
CALLED AND SAID WE'RE DOING ANOTHER ONE?
>> YEAH, IT WAS SHOCKING. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL PHONE CALL
OUT OF THE BLUE. SO, YEAH, SHE CALLED AND SAID I
THINK I'M DOING ANOTHER MATRIX FILM.
AND I STOOD UP AND I WAS, LIKE, WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?
AND THEN SHE WAS, LIKE, YES. AND THEN I WAS, LIKE, BUT WE'RE
DEAD. >> Stephen: SPOILER FOR THOSE
OF YOU WHO HAD NOT A CHANCE TO SEE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS IN THE
LAST TEN YEARS, AT THE END Y'ALL BLOW IT UP REALLY GOOD.
>> YES, WE DID. BUT IT'S THE MATRIX, AND, SO, --
AND IT'S CALLED RESURRECTIONS. >> Stephen: NOT TO GIVE TOO
MUCH AWAY! ( LAUGHTER )
>> BUT, BELIEVE ME, IT WILL ALL MAKE -- SENSE.
>> Stephen: SENSE IS A STRONG WORD.
>> IT IS. >> Stephen: BUT IT'S VERY
ENTERTAINING, I'LL SAY THIS. >> I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT, THANK
YOU. >> Stephen: SO FIRST DAY BACK
AS MR. ANDERSON. BY THE WAY, IS HE THOMAS
ANDERSON TO YOU OR NEO? >> HE'S THOMAS ANDERSON NEIL.
>> Stephen: OKAY. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER MY
QUESTIONS, JUST SAY SO. >> I JUST ANSWERED YOUR
QUESTION! I'M THOMAS ANDERSON AND NEIL.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TWO
GUYS IN YOUR MIND? >> OH, MY GOSH, I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO SAY ONE IS THOMAS ANDERSON AND ONE IS NEIL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LET'S LET THAT
SINK IN. THAT'S TOO DEEP AN ANSWER FOR
ME. >> I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THOMAS
ANDERSON, HIS REAL LIFE, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY IN THE MATRIX.
AND THEN NEIL EXISTS IN THE DIGITAL COMPUTER GEN RATED
REALITY, BUT THEN IS ALSO LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD.
SO IT'S THOMAS ANDERSON AND NEIL.
>> Stephen: I ACCEPT YOUR ANSWER.
I APOLOGIZE FOR PRESSING TOO HARD.
>> BUT HE WAS BORN AS THOMAS ANDERSON.
>> Stephen: WAS HE? WASN'T HE JUST HARVESTED, GROWN
IN A LAB, PUT INTO A POD AND HARVESTED AND NOT BORN?
>> ISN'T IT? HE HAS CONSCIOUSNESS.
>> Stephen: HE DOES. BUT HE WASN'T BORN UNTIL HE WAS
FREED FROM THE ILL LAWS OF THOMAS ANDERSON AND BORN INTO
THE REALITY OF BEING NEIL. >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
BACK WITH NOR KEANU REEVES, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE PACK WITH THE STAR OF MATRIX RESURRECTIONS
KEANU REEVES. WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU
GOT TO-SLASH-HAD TO DO. >> JUMP OFF A BUILDING.
>> Stephen: HOW BIG. I'M GUESSING 46 STORIES.
>> Stephen: REALLY JUMP OFF THE BUILDING?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IF SO MUCH OF THE
MOVIE IS DIGITAL WHY DID THEY MAKE YOU JUMP OFF A BUILDING?
>> BECAUSE IT'S THE MATRIX AND YOU USE NATURAL LIGHT AND YOU
WANT TO DO IT REAL. THERE ARE WIRES.
CARRIE ANN AND I GRABBED HANDS AND JUMPED OFF A BUILDING.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HEIGHTS?
>> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET HOLD AND YOU GET ATTRACTED TO
HEIGHTS AND WANT TO JUMP? >> THAT IS A REASON TO SEEK
HELP. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU HAVE TO DO IT.
>> WE WANTED TO DO IT IN THE PERFECT LIGHT IN THE MORNING SO
AROUND 19 TO 20 TIMES. >> Stephen: HOW DID CARRIE ANN
THINK ABOUT IT? >> SHE SPEAKS PREPARING MENTALLY
FOR IT, AND I WAS DOING THAT, TOO.
BY THE TIME YOU GET THERE, I MEAN, MY HEART RATE WAS A LITTLE
RAISED, BUT AFTER THE FIRST TIME, YOU CAN'T THINK OF THE
FEAR, YOU HAVE TO GET -- YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, ABSORB IT,
AND THEN JUST BE THERE AND DO. AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BE THERE AND DO. YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THAT THE WHAT YOU DID.
>> WE DID. AND IT WAS AWESOME!
CAN YOU IMAGINE JUST LEAPING OFF OF A BUILDING?
WITH WIRES? >> Stephen: EVER BUNGEE
JUMPED? >> I HAVEN'T.
BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF THAT. >> Stephen: SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT 18 YEARS FROM THE LAST MOVIE
TO THIS MOVIE, NO OFFENSE, I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU, BUT
WE'RE THE SAME AGE. HOW DOES YOUR BODY HANDLE THE
KUNG FU 18 YEARS LATER? >> I LOVE IT AND I THINK BECAUSE
I LOVE IT SO MUCH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE QUESTION, RECOVERY, YOU HAVE TO RECOVER DIFFERENTLY.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE LONGER RECOVER TIME?
>> YEAH, YOU HAVE TO PAY A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION TO THAT.
OKAY, A LOT OF ATTENTION TO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CAN'T DO WHAT I USED TO
BUT I CAN STILL DO WHAT I DO, AND, YOU KNOW, WITH EXPERIENCE
COMES EFFICIENCY, AND, SO, YOU'RE MORE EFFICIENT, BUT YOU
STILL, YOU KNOW -- BUT YOU WANT TO DANCE AND YOU WANT TO PLAY
AND YOU WANT TO SING, AND YOU WANT TO, LIKE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: I KNOW. I 100% KNOW.
>> YOU KNOW? >> Stephen: I DO.
YEAH. SO WHATEVER, MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DIDN'T MEAN TO
BUM YOU OUT. I'M JUST CURIOUS.
I APOLOGIZE. >> I KNOW.
OKAY. >> Stephen: NOW, ONE TO HAVE
THE CHARACTERS, AND I WON'T SAY WHO, ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IN
THE MOVIE, FAIRLY EARLY ON SAYS NOTHING COMFORTS ANXIETY LIKE A
LITTLE NOSTALGIA, WHICH IS AN INTERESTING SELF-REASONS TO
PEOPLE BEING SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS WORLD.
YOU KNOW, I THINK IT REALLY IS, LIKE, I WANT TO SEE HOW THIS
GETS EXPLORED AGAIN. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS SUCH AN ANXIOUS PERIOD OF TIME.
>> IT IS. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE IDEA NOSTALGIA COMFORTS IN MOMENTS OF ANXIETY?
>> IT DOES. I THINK IT CAN.
I GUESS EVEN BEING CALLED NOSTALGIA MEANS IT'S A POSITIVE
EXPERIENCE, RIGHT, BECAUSE OTHERWISE, IT WOULD BE A BAD
MEMORY. >> Stephen: SURE, A FLASH
WELBACK.>> A FLASHBACK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, YEAH, I THINK IT CAN BRING COMFORT.
PART OF WHAT I FEEL THE FILM EXPLORES, TOO, IS WITH THAT
PASSAGE OF TIME, YES, YOU CAN BE NOSTALGIC BUT YOU'RE IN THE
PRESENT, WHEN YOU COME OUT OF TTHE REVERY, HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT
THAT TIME AND WHERE I AM NOW. THAT CAN CAUSE ANXIETY, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PEOPLE ADMIRE YOUR
WORLD VIEW AND HOW YOU LIVE YOUR DAY ON A DAILY BASIS.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M CURIOUS WHAT A -- HOW DOES
KEANU REEVES DEAL WITH ANXIETY? ( BREATHING... )
>> BREATHE. YEAH, YOU GOT TO BREATHE.
>> Stephen: ACTIVATE THE VEGAS NERVE THERE?
>> THE VEGAS NERVE -- ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, BREATHE, TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY ARE YOU AFRAID, WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN, AND THEN TRY AND -- YEAH, TRY TO JUST BE AND LET NOT
WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF DEFINE THE PRESENT THAT YOU HOPE TO BE IN
WHEN YOU GO DO WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'M ON BOARD.
I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: I TOOK THE WHOLE
RIDE. I TOOK THE WHOLE RIDE ON THAT
ONE. HEY, THERE'S SO MANY --
>> OR NOT. ( LAUGHTER )
JUST BE AFRAID AND JUST DEAL, HANG ON!
HANG ON! >> Stephen: JUST LEAN INTO IT.
LEAN INTO IT AND BITE IT'S HEAD OFF.
ANYWAY. DID I SAY THAT?
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SAY BITE ITS HEAD OFF.
DID YOU SAY A BAD WORD? >> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, WE HAVE TO
TAKE ANOTHER BREAK. STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE BACK WITH
MORE KEANU REEVES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH KEANU REEVES! THE LAST FEW FILMS THAT YOU'VE
DONE "BILL AND TED," "JOHN WICK," NOW "MATRIX," THESE ARE,
YOU KNOW, RETURNING TO CHARACTERS THAT YOU'VE PLAYED
BEFORE, WHICH I ASSUME IT FORMS A NOSTALGIA AND IT'S PLEASURE.
IS THERE A CHARACTER YOU'VE PLAYED BEFORE THAT YOU WOULD
LIKE TO PLAY AGAIN THAT NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO?
AND KEEP IN MIND, WHEN YOU SAY THIS, SOMEONE WILL THEN ASK YOU
TO. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> Stephen: WHO'S NOT GOING TO WANT KEANU REEVES TO BE IN
ANOTHER KEANU REEVES MOVIE? >> BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: WHAT? I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY JOHN
CONSTANTINE FROM THE CONSTANTINES.
>> Stephen: GREAT FILM. LOVE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE YOU SAYING YOU ARE WILLING
TO PLAY JOHN CONSTANTINE AGAIN ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH THE
PROSPECT THAT STEPHEN COLBERT MUST HAVE A GUEST STARRING ROLE?
>> NICE. ( LAUGHTER )
IS THAT THAT NO ONE WOULD MAKE THAT MOVIE?
>> I'VE TRIED, STEPHEN. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: IF YOU GET IT MADE, CAN I PLAY A RELUCTANT
DEMON WHO DOESN'T WANT TO MESS WITH JOHN CONSTANTINE, BUT IT'S
HIS NATURE? >> IT'S HIS NATURE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL, I WANT TO HELP YO YOU, WE'RE FRIENDS!
>> WE'RE FRIENDS. >> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO IS THIS YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, WHICH I MEAN HATE YOU.
>> YEAH, IT'S A THIN LINE, ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: SO I'VE READ.
SO I'VE HEARD. ANYWAY.
>> YEAH, I WOULD LOVE TO. >> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY HAVE
ADDED A NEW CREDIT TO YOUR NAME, YOU ARE NOW A COMIC BOOK
CREATOR. ( APPLAUSE )
TELL ME ABOUT BERSERKER. >> YEAH, MAN, THANKS FOR ASKING.
THIS COMIC BOOK, YOU'RE HOLDING VOLUME ONE, WHICH IS THE FIRST
FOUR ISSUES OF THE FIRST ARC OF A TWELVE-ISSUE SERIES CALLED
BERSERKER, AND IT'S ABOUT A CHARACTER THAT WAS BORN 80,000
YEARS AGO WHO'S HALF A HUMAN AND HALF A GOD AND WHO'S KIND OF
CURSED WITH THE COMPULSION TO VIOLENCE.
>> Stephen: AND THERE IS A VERY INTERESTING ONE FRAME IN
HERE WHICH EVERYONE IS SAYING IS A REFERENCE TO YOU.
>> OH, THAT ONE. >> Stephen: SO WE ALL ARE
FAMILIAR. WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH SAD
KEANU. >> I'M JUST EATING A SANDWICH!
>> Stephen: THERE'S A FRAME FROM BERSERKER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> OKAY, OKAY.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY SAD IN SAD KEANU?
>> I WAS THINKING. I HAD STUFF GOING ON.
I WAS HUNGRY. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, SO LIFE AND ART. SO THAT SIMILAR LATER -- SO RON
GARNY IS THE AMAZING ARTIST WHO'S ILLUSTRATING AND DRAWING
BERSERKER. I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DO
THAT BUT THAT'S WHAT HE DID SO I THINK IT'S KIND OF META.
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE DECIDED TO TAKE, I BELIEVN
BE TRUE -- BUT HE TOOK THIS MOMENT, BECAUSE THE CHARACTER I
PLAY IN BERSERKER IS KIND OF WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT TO
HAPPEN BECAUSE HE'S BEING STUDIED BY THE AMERICAN
GOVERNMENT BLACK OPS PROGRAM TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY HE'S
IMMORTAL, HOW DOES HE REGENERATE, AND I'M JUST TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT, YOU KNOW, HOW DO I EXIST AND HOW DO I END MY
IMMORALITY. SO HE'S SITTING THERE, AND SO
THE ARTIST KIND OF -- I THINK, TOOK THAT MEME, WHATEVER THAT
IS, THAT PHOTO, AND THEN PUT IT INTO THE COMIC BOOK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO GO IN
A MOMENT. I WANT TO ASK YOU, SPEAKING OF
LIFE AND ART OR YOUR LIFE REPRESENTED IN ART, WHY DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE SO MEMABLE? THERE ARE SO MANY KEANU REEVES
MEMES OUT THERE. >> I HAVE NO CLUE, SIR.
>> Stephen: REALLY? REALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH A DISTINCT CHARACTER OF YOUR OWN, AND
PEOPLE KIND OF LAY ON YOU MEMING.
>> MEME ON ME WHEN YOU'RE NOT STRONG ♪
♪ I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND ♪ ♪ I'LL HELP YOU CARRY ON ♪
♪ ♪ LEAN ON ME ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THE MATRIX
RESURRECTION IS IN THEATERS AND ON HBO MAX ON DEC 22.
KEANU REEVES EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY
BRETT ELDREDGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HIS ALBUM, "MR.
CHRISTMAS," BRETT ELDREDGE! ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YOU MISS A SPARKLE
BUT YOU COULD GLOW ♪ YOU JUST NEED A KISS
UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE ♪ I SHOW YOU MAGIC
LIKE YOU NEVER SEEN ♪ YOU ARE THE ANGEL
ON THE TOP OF THAT EVERGREEN ♪ WE'LL TAKE A STROLL DOWN
MICHIGAN AVENUE ♪ I'LL TURN YOUR HEART BEATING
RED INSTEAD OF BLUE, OH ♪ CALL ME MR. CHRISTMAS
I'LL MAKE YOUR SPIRIT BRIGHT ♪ I'LL DRY YOUR EYES
WITH CANDY SKIES ♪ AND WARM SHERRY DELIGHT
WITH HIGHFALUTIN PARTIES ♪ THAT LAST
ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ YEAH, EVERY WISH
WILL COME TRUE ♪ YEAH, I'LL BE
MR. CHRISTMAS FOR YOU
♪ I SEE YA SMILING THAT JOLLY GRIN
♪ YOU'RE SKATING CIRCLES ROUND MY HEART
♪ AND I'M FALLING IN I'LL HANG THE LIGHTS,
♪ GLITTER THE TREE I WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY
♪ AS YOU'RE MAKING ME THE RED SUIT MAN
♪ IS RIDING IN ON HIS SLEIGH SO HOP RIGHT IN
♪ AND WE'RE OFF AND ON OUR WAY, HEY
♪ CALL ME MR. CHRISTMAS I'LL MAKE YOUR SPIRIT BRIGHT
♪ I'LL DRY YOUR EYES WITH CANDY SKIES
♪ AND WARM SHERRY DELIGHT WITH HIGHFALUTIN PARTIES
♪ THAT LAST ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
♪ YEAH, EVERY WISH WILL COME TRUE
♪ YEAH, I'LL BE MR. CHRISTMAS FOR YOU
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS,
SWEET AS LEMON DROPS ♪ CAROLS RINGING,
HE IS SINGING ♪ AS THE FIRE POPS
FEEL YOU GETTING CLOSE, ♪ CHEERS AND HERE'S A TOAST
HEART IS RACING, ♪ YOU'VE BEEN WAITING,
WATCH, I'LL MAKE IT SNOW ♪ CALL ME MR. CHRISTMAS
I'LL MAKE YOUR SPIRIT BRIGHT ♪ I'LL DRY YOUR EYES
WITH CANDY SKIES ♪ AND WARM SHERRY DELIGHT
WITH HIGHFALUTIN PARTIES ♪ THAT LAST
ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ YEAH, EVERY WISH
WILL COME TRUE ♪ YEAH, I'LL BE MR. CHRISTMAS
FOR YOU ♪ MR. CHRISTMAS
YEAH, I'LL BE MR. CHRISTMAS ♪ FOR YOU
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WHERE YOU WANNA GO?
♪ CHICAGO? HOP RIGHT IN
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪
>> Stephen: CHECK OUT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE FROM HIM ON,
colbertlateshow.com BRETT ELDEREDGE EVERYBODY!
9HAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN OUR GUESTS
WILL BE HENRY CAVIL AND JONATHAN GROFF.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH!