TWO HIPPOS IN BELGIUM HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID, THE
FIRST KNOWN CASES IN THE SPECIES.
OFFICIALS AT THE BELGIAN ZOO SAY THE HIPPOPOTAMUS HAVE BEEN
PLACED IN ISOLATION AFTER BEING INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS.
>> NEW FROM HASBRO, IT'S COVID COVID HIPPOS.
>> THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO
EAT MARBLES AND IGNORE SCIENCE.
>> I'M ILL! >> COVID COVID HIPPOS.
ALSO TRY OUR OTHER SUPER-SPREADER GAME, CRUISE
SHIP. >> YOU INFECTED MY WHOLE SHIP!
>> YEAH!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: VAX EVASION.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: DR. DAVID AGUS
AND MUSICAL GUEST, NATALIE HEMBY
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PERFECT.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
FEELING GOOD. FEELING GOOD.
LOOKING GOOD. >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: HAPPY... ( CHEERING )
HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HAPPY WEDNESDAY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
♪ ♪ ♪ WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS IN FULL
SWING ALREADY HERE IN NEW YORK. THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE BURNING
BRIGHT, ESPECIALLY OVER AT FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, WHERE LAST
NIGHT, THE FOX NEWS CHRISTMAS TREE WAS SET ON FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) THINKING, BUT THE GHOST OF HUGO
CHAVEZ HAS AN ALIBI! THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HURT.
BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT A COUPLE OF TOASTED PINE CONES
HERE. TAKE A LOOK:
CRISPY KRINGLES! OF COURSE, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF THE TREE HAD A GUN. ( LAUGHTER )
COME ON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
YOU GOTTA-- GIVEAVE SQUIRREL-- GIVE A SQUIRREL A GUN OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND FOX NEWS TRIED TO WARN US
THIS WAS COMING. EVERY TIME A STORE CLERK SAYS,
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS," A CHRISTMAS TREE BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, AND POLICE SAY THAT
THEY BELIEVE HE IS HOMELESS, AND MENTAL ILLNESS MAY HAVE PLAYED
A FACTOR. HOMELESS AND MENTALLY ILL?
OH, MY GOD! THE FIRE WAS SET BY BILL
O'REILLY. SO--
( APPLAUSE ) SO, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THIS
HOLLY-JOLLY ARSONIST WAS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED, BUT FOX
NEWS IS STILL GONNA EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILK IT.
HERE'S A STOCKING STUFFED WITH THEIR COVERAGE FROM THIS
MORNING: >> JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT
COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, SOMEBODY BURNS DOWN A CHRISTMAS TREE.
>> THIS IS PERSONAL TO YOU, TOO, AT HOME NOW.
THE FOX CHRISTMAS TREE VANDALIZED.
ARSON. >> I KNOW SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE
TO SIMPLIFY THIS TO JUST A CHRISTMAS TREE.
>> WHO SETS A CHRISTMAS TREE ON FIRE?
THE CHRISTMAS TREE, THE HOLIDAY TREE HERE IN THE SQUARE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, DID A FOX ANCHOR JUST SAY, "HOLIDAY
TREE"? KEEP IT UP, DOOCY, AND AINSLEY'S
GONNA SET YOU ON FIRE. FOX CLEARLY WANTED TO DRIVE HOME
THE POINT THAT THIS FIRE WAS SET INTENTIONALLY.
AS STEVE DOOCY SAID: >> APPARENTLY, THE GUY IS STILL
BEING INTERVIEWED BY THE ARSON SQUAD,
IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE ARSON.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT
LIKE ARSON EVERYWHERE YOU GO
♪ TAKE A LOOK AT THE TREE AND THEN THE FLAMES ARE ROARING
ONCE AGAIN ♪ DOOCY, STOP, DROP, ROLL ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A LITTLE BING.
>> Jon: BING CROSBY. >> Stephen: THE FIRE WAS
PARTICULARLY UPSETTING FOR THE PEOPLE AT FOX.
BECAUSE THE EVERGREEN TREE IS A SYMBOL OF THE ETERNAL LIFE GIVEN
BY CHRIST. OR AS AINSLEY PUT IT:
>> IT'S A TREE THAT UNITES US, THAT BRINGS US TOGETHER.
IT'S ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. IT'S ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
IT'S ABOUT JESUS. IT'S ABOUT HANUKKAH.
( LAUGHTER ) GIFT FROM JESUS.
BUT I'M GONNA-- BLESS YOUR HEART.
AINSLEY, I'M GOING TO GO UP ON THE A BURNING LIMB AND SAY THIS
IS NOT ABOUT HANUKKAH. IF IT WAS, THE FIRE WOULD HAVE
LOOKED LIKE THIS: BUT, ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE IT
IS ABOUT HANUKKAH BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT FOX WILL
MIRACULOUSLY MAKE THIS STORY LAST FOR EIGHT DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALSO TIME FOR CONGRESS'S
FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION: NEARLY DESTROYING THE ECONOMY
FOR NO DAMN REASON. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ALMOST DEBT
CEILING-MAS, WHEN BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS HAVE TO RAISE THE
OFFICIAL BORROWING LIMIT OR THE U.S. DEFAULTS ON ITS DEBT,
CURRENCY BECOMES WORTHLESS, AND WE'RE ALL LEFT IN THE AFTERSCAPE
TRADING SHEEP, POTABLE WATER, AND CHILDREN FOR DOGECOIN.
BUT NEVER FEAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SITUATION IS IN
THE CAPABLE TALONS OF SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND
TODDLER FILLING HIS DIAPER ON SANT
SANTA'S LAP, MITCH McCONNELL. ( LAUGHTER )
McCONNELL WANTS TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING, BUT HE ALSO WANTS
TO FILIBUSTER ANYTHING THAT MOVES, SO HE'S COME UP WITH AN
INGENUOUS STRATEGY: GETTING 10 REPUBLICAN SENATORS TO VOTE FOR
A TEMPORARY FAST-TRACK PROCESS TO ALLOW SENATE DEMOCRATS TO ACT
ON THEIR OWN TO INCREASE THE DEBT LIMIT WITH 51 VOTES.
YES, THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE TO ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO VOTE TO
RAISE THE DEBT CEILING. THAT WAY, NO ONE CAN BLAME THE
REPUBLICANS IF THE UNITED STATES CONTINUES TO EXIST.
IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME: THEY'RE ON TRACK TO PASS IT--
BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE THEM ANY CREDIT FOR DOING THE ABSOLUTE
BARE MINIMUM OF NOT DELIBERATELY DESTROYING THE WORLD ECONOMY.
THE DEBT CEILING SHOULD NOT EVEN BE A THING.
WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO GIVE OUR GOVERNMENT A BUILT-IN SELF-
DESTRUCT MECHANISM?? THAT'S LIKE A MICROWAVE HAVING
JUST THREE SETTINGS: REHEAT, POPCORN, AND
"PRESS ME ONCE AN HOUR OR I'LL JUMP IN THE BATHTUB
WITH YOU." NOW, MOVING ON TO THINGS THAT
ARE ACTUALLY HAPPENING, SCIENTISTS IN SOUTH AFRICA JUST
RELEASED THE RESULTS OF A STUDY THAT FOUND OMICRON SEEMS TO DULL
THE POWER OF THE PFIZER VACCINE, MEANING THAT VACCINATED PEOPLE
MIGHT BE VULNERABLE TO BREAKTHROUGH INFECTIONS.
BOOOO! >> Audience: BOOOO!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE
OF A VIRUS BREK THROUGH. >> OH-- MICRON!
( APPLAUSE ) OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
SCIENTISTS WERE QUICK TO CLARIFY THAT, WHILE THE RESULTS WERE
SOMEWHAT WORRISOME, THERE'S NO CAUSE FOR PANIC.
GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T PANICKING ANYWAY.
MAYBE I SHOULD, BUT I'M SO TIRED.
AFTER FIVE YEARS OF DEMOCRACY BURNING LIKE A FOX NEWS
CHRISTMAS TREE, AND TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC, MY ADRENAL GLANDS ARE
SHRIVELED UP LIKE TWO CRAISINS. MY FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE HAS
TURNED INTO CARAMEL CORN AND NETFLIX.
BESIDES, THIS IS A PRELIMINARY STUDY.
HOW PRELIMINARY? THEY RELEASED THE RESULTS IN THE
HIGHLY-RESPECTED MEDICAL JOURNAL, TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL MEDICAL STUDIES DEBUT ON
SOCIAL MEDIA: "HEY TIKTOK FAM, BIG NEWS-- I
GOT THIS GORGEOUS NEW BAG FROM FENDI, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO USE
IT TO HOLD MY NOBEL PRIZE, CUZ I CURED CANCER!
WHOOP, WHOOP! SMASH THAT 'FOLLOW' BUTTON!"
( APPLAUSE ) SO WE DON'T KNOW A LOT, BUT ONE
THING IS CLEAR: THE NEW VARIANT IS SPREADING FAST.
21 STATES HAVE NOW DETECTED OMICRON, INCLUDING TEXAS, WHERE
HOUSTON HEALTH AUTHORITIES FOUND IT IN HOUSTON'S WASTEWATER BY
ANALYZING SEWAGE. THAT'S RIGHT.
(BLEEP) JUST GOT REAL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S JUST THE OMICRON OFFICIALS ARE ABLE TO DETECT.
REPORTEDLY, SCIENTISTS HAVE JUST FOUND A STEALTH VERSION OF
OMICRON THAT MAY BE HARDER FOR P.C.R. TESTS TO TRACK.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN ENLARGED IMAGE OF THE STEALTH
VARIANT.
WE'RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT HOW THE VIRUS IS TRANSMITTED.
THE NEW STUDY FOUND THAT WHEN EXHALING, MALES PRODUCED 34%
MORE AEROSOL THAN FEMALES. CLASSIC MAN-SPREAD.
THE VIRUS-- ( APPLAUSE )
THE VIRUS IS ALSO MORE LIKELY TO BE TRANSMITTED BY LOUD TALKERS,
BUT THAT SINGING IS WOSE THAN TALKING.
FINALLY, SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OFFICE KARAOKE NIGHT IS KILLING
YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF SCIENCE, MORE SCIENCE.
RESEARCHERS IN HONG KONG HAVE DEVELOPED THE FIRST -EVER
COVID-KILLING STEEL THAT CAN INACTIVATE 99.99% OF THE VIRUS
WITHIN SIX HOURS. THAT IS FANTASTIC.
ALSO, DIDN'T WE LEARN MONTHS AGO THAT COVID DOESN'T REALLY SPREAD
VIA SURFACES? IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THESE
SCIENTISTS FOUND OUT ABOUT COVID TWO YEARS AGO, IMMEDIATELY
LOCKED THEMSELVES IN A LAB, AND THEN JUST EMERGED LIKE, "WE DID
IT! WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S
AIRBORNE? DAMMIT!
GUESS I'LL JUST GO HOME AND WATCH QUIBI.
WHAT?! I'M GONNA WRITE GOVERNOR CUOMO
ABOUT THIS. HUH?!!!
I'D LIKE TO SEE WHAT HIS BROTHER CHRIS HAS TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
GAH!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WORLD'S NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF CONSONANTS.
YESTERDAY WAS THE LAST DAY IN POWER FOR FORMER CHANCELLOR
ANGELA MERKEL, SEEN HERE SCREAMING, "HELP!
MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO BIRDS!"
( LAUGHTER ) STEPPED DOWN AFTER 16 YEARS.
THAT'S A REALLY LONG RUN. I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY, BECAUSE
HER FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE WAS THE FIRST YEAR OF MY OLD SHOW, WHICH
BEGS THE QUESTION: "WHO AGED IT BETTER?"
OH, MY GOD. ( APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN! STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: NO, WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.
WHY AM I THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HE SPENT YEARS TRYING TO PREVENT
THE COLLAPSE OF THE GREEK ECONOMY?
( LAUGHTER ) WIEDERSEHEN" CEREMONY FOR
MERKEL, AND ONE OF THE SONGS THAT SHE REQUESTED A MARCHING
BAND PLAY WAS "DU HAST DEN FARBFILM
VERGESSEN," OR "YOU FORGOT THE COLOR FILM," A 1974 PUNK ROCK
ANTHEM BY THE EAST GERMAN ARTIST NINA HAGEN.
WOOO! OF COURSE, MERKEL HAS ALWAYS
BEEN A LITTLE PUNK ROCK. WHO CAN FORGET WHEN SHE CROWD
SURFED AT THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY.
( LAUGHTER ) LEDERHOSEN?
WHY, IT'S NONE OTHER THAN FORMER GERMAN VICE CHANCELLOR AND GUY
SAYING, "WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND ALSO LOOKS LIKE A THUMB?"
OLAF SCHOLZ. WOOOOO!!!!
OLAF, BABY! NUMBER ONE OLAF FAN.
WHEN I SAY OLAF, YOU SAY BUNDESKANZLER.
OLAF! >> BUNDESKANZLER.
>> OLAF! >> BUNDESKANZLER.
>> Stephen: IT'S A MUSICAL LANGUAGE THAT IS NOT AT ALL
HORRIFYING TO HERE CHANTED. FLASH BACK, FLASH BACK, I WATCH
TOO MUCH HISTORY CHANNEL. BUT CHANCELLOR SCHOLZ ISN'T
UNIVERSALLY BELOVED. HE'S BEEN CRITICIZED BY AN
OPPOSITION MEMBER FOR "GRINNING LIKE A MURF."
HEY, HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR! HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A SMURF.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE EATS SMURFS. ( LAUGHTER )
THE COMPARISON, BECAUSE "SMURFS ARE SMALL, CRAFTY, AND ALWAYS
WIN." NICELY DONE, OLAF.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SURE "I KNOW A TON ABOUT SMURFS" IS THE BITING
COMEBACK THAT YOU THINK IT IS. ( AS SCHOLZ )
JOKE'S ON YOU: I VATCH EXCLUSIVELY DA KINDER -CARTOONS
FROM THE 1980S. AH, VICTORY.
IT'S AS SWEET AS STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKES.
BY DA POWER OF GRAYSKULL: I AM THE CHANCELLOR!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOOO!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CBS NEWS COVID EXPERT DR. DAVID AGUS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I EXPLAIN MODERN RELATIONSHIPS, AND THEN
YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
RIGHT OVER THERE, BABY DOLL, THAT'S IT.
MAN, THERE'S AN ELECTRICITY-- THERE'S A-- THERE'S-- I THINK
THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON IS IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
I FEEL A REAL LIGHTNESS, A REAL ELECTRICITY IN THIS ROOM.
IT'S LIKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR, THESE PEOPLE.
>> Jon: YEAH! I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU FEEL IT?
JON, TONIGHT, WE HAVE DR. DAVID AGUS.
HE IS ONE OF THE LEAD HEALTH AND COVID ANALYSTS FOR CBS NEWS.
BECAUSE WE FIGURED, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS
ABOUT COVID THESE DAYS. >> Jon: DEFINITELY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T-- WE HAVEN'T, LIKE, NAILED DOWN
WHAT'S GOING ON IN A WHILE. SO HE'S GOING TO ANSWER ALL--
ALL THE QUESTIONS I'VE GOT TONIGHT.
HE KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS. >> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE KNOWS-- I CALL PEOPLE AND SAY, "HEY, CAN YOU
TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH COVID?"
THEY SAY, "WE'LL CALL YOU BACK" AND THEY CALL THIS GUY.
THAT'S A TRUE STORY. HE KNOWS ABOUT COVID.
HE KNOWS ALL THE LYRICS TO "LOUIE LOUIE."
HE KNOWS THE WINNING LOTTO NUMBERS FOR NEXT WEEK.
PICK THREE. STICK AROUND FOR THAT EVERYBODY.
>> THAT'S GOING TO BE GREAT. >> Stephen: IT WILL BE REALLY
GOOD. YOU'LL LOSE MONEY IF YOU DON'T.
FOLKS, IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE, IT'S LOVE.
IN FACT, I, LIKE, LIKE IT. BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
I'VE BEEN IN THE DATING WORLD. IN MY DAY, YOU COULDN'T EVEN
SEND SOMEONE A SEXT. YOU HAD TO SEND THEM A SEX
PIGEON. "SHOW HER THE EGGPLANT!"
( LAUGHTER ) WITH NEW TERMS TO DEFINE
HARD-TO-UNDERSTAND MODERN RELATIONSHIPS.
AND I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST LOVE TRENDS IN
MY RECURRING SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪
> "ROMANSPLAINING WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO ROMANSPLAINING.
FIRST UP, ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY OF OVER 7,000 SINGLES,
ONE OF THE LATEST TRENDS IN DATING IS QUESTIONING WHETHER
YOU WANT TO DATE AT ALL. APPARENTLY, THAT'S CALLED
"HESIDATING," OR "FEELING INDIFFERENT ABOUT DATING, UNSURE
IF YOU WANT TO DATE SERIOUSLY OR CASUALLY, BECAUSE LIFE IN
GENERAL IS SO UNCERTAIN RIGHT NOW."
I'M GUESSING THAT HAS A BIG IMPACT ON PICK-UP LINES:
"HEY, I SAW YOU ACROSS THE BAR, AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT TO EVER SPEAK TO ANYONE AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE YAWNING VOID AWAITS.
ANYWAYS, WANNA GET OUTTA HERE? NOT SURE IF I DO."
HESIDATING ISN'T THE ONLY NEW TREND.
THERE'S ALSO SOMETHING CALLED "HAND-TICIPATION," WHICH SOUNDS
LIKE THE BREATHLESS EXCITEMENT THAT COMES WHEN A VICTORIAN
WOMAN FIRST REMOVES HER GLOVE. ( IN BRITISH ACCENT )
KNUCKLE IS MORE GLORIOUS THAN I DARED IMAGINE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ACTUALLY REFERS TO THE ANXIETY
THAT COMES WITH BEING UNSURE ABOUT THE PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
THAT ARE ACCEPTABLE DUE TO SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM THE
PANDEMIC, SUCH AS WHETHER TO HUG, HANDSHAKE, OR WAVE AT YOUR
DATE. OH, THERE ARE WAY MORE OPTIONS
THAN THAT! YOU GOT FINGER GUNS, THE LITTLE
SALUTE. AND, OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE,
THE TIPPING OF YOUR IMAGINARY HAT, ACCOMPANIED BY AN IRONIC
"M'LADY." ( LAUGHTER )
AWKWARDNESS... AND THE DATE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO AVOID
SOMEONE, THERE'S ANOTHER HOT TREND THIS YEAR.
IT IS "DAR-WINING," WHICH IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN
SCIENCE. ( APPLAUSE )
BELIEVE IN SCIENCE, IT'S WAY EASIER TO BLOW THEM OFF:
"SORRY I CAN'T DO DRINKS TONIGHT.
MY BOAT IS SAILING OFF THE EDGE OF THE WORLD.
I'M LOSING RECEPTION. OKAY, BYEEEEEEE."
ANOTHER COVID-RELATED TREND IS THE ACT OF ENDING A SERIOUS
RELATIONSHIP DUE TO PERSPECTIVE AND CLARITY GAINED DURING THE
PANDEMIC, WHICH IS KNOWN AS "RESIGNING."
WHICH IS JUST LIKE BREAKING UP, EXCEPT YOU'RE REQUIRED TO GIVE
TWO WEEKS' NOTICE. ALL THIS MAKES ME REALIZE JUST
HOW MANY STILL-UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIPS THERE ARE OUT
THERE THAT HAVE NO NAME. SO I AM HERE TO ROMANSPLAIN SOME
OF THE MORE HYPER-SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP TYPES FOR YOU.
FOR STARTERS, THERE'S IF DAR-WINING DOESN'T SPEAK TO
YOU, HOW ABOUT EINSTEIN-ING, WHICH IS WHEN YOU DUMP SOMEONE
BASED ON THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR
COUSIN. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUE LOVE, BUT MAYBE RIGHT NOW, YOU JUST NEED A "HOLI -BAE":
A PERSON WHO'S YOUR SOULMATE, BUT ONLY FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
"JUST GIVE ME THE AIR FRYER AND GET OUT."
( LAUGHTER ) CATCHING ON IS SOUL-MATIES."
THAT'S TWO PEOPLE WHO KNOW THEY'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER,
BECAUSE THEY'RE TRAPPED ON THE SAME PIRATE SHIP.
AND THEY'RE BOTH LOOKIN' FOR BOOTY.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A "ME -SOME,"
WHICH IS WHEN YOU PUT YOURSELF FIRST BY MAKING EVERYONE AT THE
THAT'S IT FOR "ROMANSPLAINING WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU HAVE
AN EROTIC DREAM ABOUT TAKING A NAP.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CBS NEWS MEDICAL CONTRIBUTOR
DR. DAVID AGUS. ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A MEDICAL CONTRIBUTOR FOR CBS NEWS
AND THE CO-CHAIR OF THE GLOBAL HEALTH SECURITY CONSORTIUM.
PLEASE WELCOME DR. DAVID AGUS! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) EXPLAINING TO THE PEOPLE BEFORE,
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. AS I WAS EXPLAINING TO THE
PEOPLE BEFORE, YOU'RE A BIG DEAL IN THE WHOLE KNOWING ABOUT COVID
WORLD. THE PEOPLE THAT I CALL, OR WE
CALL AROUND HERE TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING TO BE HAPPENING,
THEY GENERALLY CALL YOU AND SAY, "THIS IS WHATTING AUS SAID."
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE SINCE WE'RE GETTING ALL THIS NEW
INFORMATION THIS FALL, WE THOUGHT WE KNEW WERE THINGS WERE
GOING, AND DELTA CAME, AND WE THOUGHT WE'LL RIDE THIS OUT.
AND THEN OMICRON IS SHOWING UP. I WANT TO GET A BASELINE READING
FROM THE WORLD OF COVID IF YOU CAN DO THAT.
>> GOT IT, I CAN DO THAT. >> Stephen: IN TWO YEARS,
WE'VE SEEN 12 COVID VARIANTS. THE NEWEST IS OMICRON, AS I
SAID. THERE'S A MARKET IN THE MEDIA
FOR GRABBING OUR ATTENTION AND MAKING EVERYTHING BRAKING NEWS--
>> WAY TOO MUCH OF A MARKET. >> Stephen: AND FLAMING
CHRISTMAS TREES. ( LAUGHTER )
THOUGH? >> ABOUT OMICRON?
>> Stephen: YES. >> SO RIGHT NOW, DELTA IS,
OBVIOUSLY, HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
99% OF CASES, 119,000 PEOPLE NEWLY DIAGNOSED TODAY AND 1600
DEATHS TODAY FROM DELTA VARIANT IN THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: NOW THAT'S-- >> WE CAN'T FORGET ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LEVEL WE HAVE NOT NOT SEEN UNTIL LATE
WINTER, EARLY SPRING OF LAST YEAR.
>> RIGHT. IT'S A PERFECT STORM.
COVID FATIGUE, IT'S COLDER, AND PEOPLE ARE GOING INDOORS, AND
THESE ARE MAINLY PEOPLE UNVACCINATED IN THE I.C.U.s.
OVER 90% OF THE PEOPLE IN THE I.C.U.S ARE UNTHE VACCINATED.
OMICRON WAS ORIGINALLY OBSERVED IN AFRICA, AND IT IS A VARIANT
THAT IS RADICALLY DIFFERENT. OVER A MILLION YEARS OF HUMAN
EVOLUTION, OUR GENOME CHANGED 1%.
OVER ONE DAY, THIS VIRUS CAN CHANGE 1%, AND IT DID.
AND SO THERE ARE 40 DIFFERENT CHANGES IN THE SPIKE PROTEIN.
SO IT'S VERY DIFFERENT. AND IT DID SO, AND IT'S GETTING
AROUND SOME OF THE EARLY VACCINES.
AND THAT'S WHAT WORRIED US. SO THIS IS TREMENDOUSLY
INFECTIOUS, ALMOST TWICE AS INFEX AS DELTA.
SO ON NOVEMBER 23, THERE WAS ONE CASE IN SOUTH AFRICA.
NOW IT'S 90% OF THE CASES IN THE COUNTRY.
THAT'S IN A MATTER OF WEEKS. SO IT SPREADS LIKE WILDFIRE.
>> Stephen: IS IT TRUE THAT PREVIOUS, NATURAL IMMUNITY FROM
HAVING HAD COVID IS NOT APPLICABLE IN THIS CASE, THAT IT
GOES AROUND THAT. DO WE KNOW THAT?
>> PREVIOUS COVID DOES NOT REALLY HELP YOU WITH THE
OMICRON, AND TWO SHOTS OF THE VACCINE PROBABLY DOESN'T HELP
YOU THAT MUCH WITH OMICRON. >> Stephen: WHEN THAT WAS
ANYWHERE FROM MID-80s TO EARLY 90s, IN TERMS OF THE EFFICACY
TO KEEPING YOU SAFE. >> 100%.
IT WORKED AGAINST THE OTHER VARIANTS REMARKABLY WELL.
WE GOT FREAKING LUCKY WITH THESE VACCINES.
THEY WERE AWESOME. THERE WEREN'T REAL SIDE EFFECTS
AND THEY PROTECTED SERIOUS ILLNESS IN ALMOST EVERYBODY
WHICH IS REALLY WILD. BUT OMICRON IS GOING AROUND IT A
LITTLE BIT, AND THAT'S WHAT GOT US WORRY GLD PFIZER SAID, I
THINK IT WAS JUST TODAY, THAT THREE SHOTS PROTECTS YOU AGAINST
OMICRON. >> THAT'S REALLY COOL, THE
BOOSTER SHOT. EVERYONE SAYS THE BOOSTER SHOTS
MEANS THE VACCINES ARE NOT GREAT.
THE VIRUS CHANGED. THE VACCINES WERE MADE FOR THE
ORIGINAL VARIANT IDENTIFIED IN WUHAN, AND NOW WE HAVE A NEW
VIRUS, BASICALLY, BECAUSE IT REALLY CHANGED.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A NEW VACCINE, JUST MORE OF IT.
>> RIGHT, A THIRD SHOT, A BOOSTER SHOT, RAISES IMMUNITY
30-FOLD, AND BY DOING THAT YOU HAVE ENOUGH IMMUNITY TO FIGHT
OFF OMICRON. WHEN YOU GET THIS VACCINE THERE
ARE 10 SPOTS YOU ATTACK ON THAT SPIKE PROTEIN.
OMICRON LOST SEVEN OF THEM. SO YOU NEED A REALLY HIGH LEVEL
TO BE ABLE TO GET RID OF IT WITH THOSE THREE SPOTS.
A BOOSTER SHOT GIVES THAT. THAT DATA FROM PFIZER, I WAS
CHEERING THIS MORNING, THAT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, I'M A MODERNA MAN--
>> I'M SORRY. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THEY
HAD WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ABANDONED K-MART.
THEY GAVE ME THE MODERNA. YOU KNOW, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
PLACES, YOU KNOW. DOES THIS APPLY TO MODERNA, TOO?
DO WE KNOW THE THIRD SHOT OF MODERNA OR A SECOND SHOT OF J&J,
OR DO WE KNOW, OR DO WE MIX AND MATCH AT THIS POINT?
>> WE DON'T KNOW BUT WE WILL. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW,
BUT YES. THAT'S SCIENCE, RIGHT?
>> YES, THE SPIKE PROTEIN IS VERY SIMILAR IN ALL OF THEMPLE,
SO WE SHOULD SEE EXACTLY THAT SAME RESULT WITH MODERNA.
THE DATA IS AVAILABLE YET. IN SOUTH AFRICA THEY GAVE
PFIZER, AND THERE WAS A LOT OF SCIENCE DONE IN SOUTH AFRICA AND
THEY DIDN'T HAVE MODERNA THERE. MODERNA STUDIES ARE ONGOING NOW.
IT WILL COME OUT IN THE NEXT STUDY.
ANY OF THE BOOSTERS WILL GIVE YOU PROTECTION RIGHT NOW, WE
THINK, FROM OMICRON. >> Stephen: NOW, YOU USED A
TERM A MOMENT AGO THAT I'VE BEEN HEARING A LOT, WHICH IS, OH,
THERE'S A 25-FOLD OR 41-FOLD OR 75-FOLD INCREASE OR DECREASE.
WHAT IS THIS FOLD? BECAUSE A YEAR AGO, THEY WERE
JUST SAYING IT WAS EITHER 75% EFFECTIVE OR 82 OR 93.
WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FOLDS NOW?
>> BECAUSE WHEN WE KIND OF GO INTO THESE NUMBERS IT MAKES US
LOOK SMARTER AND THAT'S OUR GOAL HERE.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS THE AMOUNT OF ANTIBODIES IN THE
BLOOD. ANTIBODIES BIND ON TO A VIRUS
AND CLEAR IT AWAY. AND YOU GET ABOUT A 40-FOLD
INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF THOSE MOLECULES WHEN YOU GET THAT
BOOSTER. >> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT
TRANSLATE INTO PERCENTAGE EFFECTIVENESS, WHICH WAS THE
STANDARD WE WERE BEING TOLD A YEAR AGO?
>> UM, THEY'RE NOT REALLY APPLICABLE TO EACH OTHER.
STANDARD EFFECTIVENESS BEFORE, WAS 90% YOU WOULDN'T GET SICK,
AND IF YOU DID GET SICK YOU WEREN'T VERY SICK.
WITH THIS BOOSTER IT'S GO TO BE ABOUT THE SAME.
THAT'S THE GOOD. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUCK BREAK, BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE DR. DAVID AGUS.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." WE'RE HERE TALKING CORONAVIRUS
WITH DR. DAVID AGUS. DOCTOR, WILL THERE EVER BE AN
END TO VARIANTS? I MEAN, SCIENTIFICALLY, WHEN WE
RUN OUT OF GREEK LETTERS IT HAS TO BE OVER, RIGHT?
>> I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.
NO, WE'RE GOING TO KEEP HAVING VARIANTS.
THIS IS SOMETHING WE'RE GOING TO LIVE WITH.
WE'RE GETTING BETTER AT DEALING WITH IT, AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO
PANIC EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS. AND WE'VE DEVELOPED A
SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM AROUND THE GLOBE WHERE LITERALLY EVERY
COUNTRYNOW, WE'RE SEQUENCING THE VIRUS AND LOOKING FOR THIS
POPPING UP. >> Stephen: WHY DID THE
SPANISH FLU GO AWAY IN 1920, APPROXIMATELY?
AND-- AND WE-- WE WERE LIKE THERE IS ANOTHER VARIANT OF THE
SPANISH FLU? WHY IS IT GONE AND THIS WILL
LINGER FOREVER? >> WE IS HAVE HAD A LOT OF FLU
AND THERE HAVE BEEN OTHER ONES. SPANISH FLU WAS BAD, AND WE
DIDN'T HAVE THE TRAVEL WE DO NOW.
BACK IN 1918, YOU DIDN'T GO ON A PLANE AND FLY TO AFRICA AND FLY
TO EUROPE AND FLY TO ASIA. IT TOOK US THREE YEARS TO GET
RID OF THE SPANISH FLU. WE SOCIAL DISTANCED.
WE QUARANTINED. WE SHUT DOWN CHURCHES, WE SHUT
DOWN SCHOOLS, AND OVER TIME IT WENT AWAY.
AND WE'LL SEE THE SAME THING HERE.
AND THEREBY, JUST LIKE WE HAVE THE FLU EVERY YEAR, THERE WILL
BE CORONAVIRUSES EVERY YEAR THAT ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
SOMETIMES WE'LL GET A VARIANT-SPECIFIC BOOSTER, OTHERS
WE MIGHT GET A STANDARD BOOSTER AND WE'LL KEEP GOING ON THIS AND
WE'LL BE SAFE AND WE'RE GOING BACK TO A NEW NORMAL.
>> Stephen: WHEN IT COMES TO THE BOOSTERS IF THREE IS GOOD,
IS FOUR BETTER? BECAUSE-- I WANT TO POINT OUT--
ON THE LITTLE CARD THAT I GOT, IMMUNIZATION CARD, THERE WERE
FOUR LINES. ( LAUGHTER )
COMING. >> HOW BACKWARD IS OUR SYSTEM
THAT WE HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS WHETHER YOU WERE
VACCINATED OR NOT AND HOW YOU GOT IT?
THAT WE DON'T HAVE AN ELECTRONIC SYSTEM, A CLOUD -BASED SYSTEM.
IT'S NOT ON OUR PHONE. WE HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER THAT'S
THE STANDARD OF CARE IN THE UNITED STATES.
BUT YES, FOUR WILL GIVE YOU AN EVEN HIGHER LEVEL OF IMMUNITY.
AND THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS -- >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT A
BAKKER'S DOZEN? WHY NOT JUST HAVE PEOPLE THROW
THEM AT YOU LIKE A DART BOARD? >> WELL, YOUR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
BY THE WAY IS THE FIRST ONE IN THE COUNTRY WHO WILL GET A
BAKERAS DOZEN BOOSTER. >> Stephen: YES.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, DR. AGUS WILL TELL US GOOD NEWS ABOUT THE
FIGHT AGAINST THE PANDEMIC. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK. WE'RE HERE WITH CBS NEWS MEDICAL
CONTRIBUTOR DR. DAVID AGUS. LAST JANUARY, THE VIRUS SPIKED
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. AND WE'RE ALREADY SEEING A SPIKE
AFTER THANKSGIVING. AS YOU SAID, IT'S LIKE 100 AND
HOW MANY-- >> 119,000.
>> Stephen: 119,000. HOW CAN PEOPLE TRAVEL AND
CELEBRATE SAFELY THIS YEAR? >> SO, TRAVEL IS SAFE.
AIRPLANES ARE SAFE. EVERY THREE OR FOUR MINUTES, THE
ENTIRE CIRCULATION OF THE AIR GOES THROUGH A HEPA FILTER AND
VIRUS IS FILTERED OUT. WE WEAR A MASK ON AN AIRLINE.
I FLEW HERE FROM LOS ANGELES. I AM COMFORTABLE ON AN AIRLINE.
>> Stephen: PART OF THE FILTER ISN'T ME BREATHING IN THE AIR
AND BREATHING IT OUT? >> WE'RE BLOCKING THE DROPLETS
WITH THE MASK AND THERE'S GOOD AIR FLOW, SO WITH GOOD AIR FLOW
AND THE MASK THE RISK IS VERY, VERY LOW.
I FLY ON A PLANE WHERE I CAN SIT ALONE OR SIT WITH SOMEBODY I
KNOW AND I CHOOSE THE SEATS APPROPRIATELY.
ANTIGEN TESTING, SOMETHING THE PRESIDENT TALKED ABOUT TWO WEEKS
AGO WHEN HE GAVE HIS NEWS CONFERENCE-- I THINK IT WAS TWO
WEEKS AGO. I LOST THE ABILITY TO TELL TIME
AND WHEN THINGS HAPPENING DURING THE PANDEMIC.
HE TALKED ABOUT EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY FOR NOW FOR FREE, THE
INSURANCE COMPANIES WILL PAY, CAN GET AN ANTIGEN TEST.
YOU SWAP YOURSELF AND PUT IT ON A PIECE OF PAPER IN A PLASTIC
CARTRIDGE AND IT TELLS YOU IA YOU'RE INFECTED WITH COVID OR
NOT. >> Stephen: ONE LINE YOU'RE
NOT INFECTED, AND TWO LINES AND YOU'RE PREGNANT.
WORKS WILL THE SAME WAY. >> BUT IT'S VERY POWERFUL.
SO BEFORE OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER, WHEN FAMILY CAME OVER WE
DID THAT TEST. IT'S A LEVEL OF INSURANCE THAT
YOU'RE NOT INFECTIOUS. >> Stephen: IF SOMEONE DOES
GET COVID,s HOW IS TREATMENT CHANGING?
>> SO, THIS IS PRETTY WILD, RIGHT.
EARLY ON, IF YOU GOT COVID AND WENT ON A VENTILATOR, YOUR
CHANCE OF SURVIVAL WAS 20%. SIX MONTHS INTO THE PANDEMIC,
THAT NUMBER WENT UP TO 80% WITH NO DRUGS.
WE JUST GOT BETTER AT CARING FOR IT.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, WE'RE STARTING TO GET SOME DRUGS.
THERE IS A DRUG THAT WILL BE ANNOUNCED, F.D.A., E.U.A.
APPROVAL, EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION FROM PFIZER, IT'S
A PILL CALLED A PROTEASE INHIBITOR.
VIRUSES ARE NOT ALIVE. THEY GO INTO OUR CELLS AND USE
OUR MACHINERY TO DIVIDE, AND THIS IS THE FIRST DRUG DESIGNED
FOR COVID THAT BLOCKS THAT. SO TAKING A PILL FOR FIVE DAYS,
IF YOU'RE EARLY ON, WILL BLOCK YOU FROM BEING HOSPITALIZED.
THAT'S REMARKABLE. ( APPLAUSE ).
THIS IS THE IMPORTANT THING-- WHEN-- WHEN DO WE GET THAT?
WHEN IS THAT AVAILABLE? >> THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE KIDDING! >> I'M SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY!
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE A REAL
RETURN TO NORMALITY. >> AND GET A LOD OF THIS --
>> Stephen: I'M READY TO GET LOADED.
>> TODAY, TODAY, THE F.D.A. GAVE AUTHORIZATION FOR 4% OF OUR
COUNTRY ARE IMMUNE SUPPRESSED. THEY HAVE CANCER.
THEY HAVE AUTO IMMUNE DISEASE. THEY CAN'T RESPOND TO A VACCINE
AND THEY'VE BEEN SHUT INSIDE. THERE IS NOW AN ANTIBODY
APPROVED TODAY THAT IS A SHOT IN THE ARM THAT GIVES YOU 12 MONTHS
PREXZ FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T RESPOND TO A VACCINE.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A VACCINE.
WHAT IS IT? >> IT'S A MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES
THAT IS LONG LASTING. INSTEAD OF LASTING A MONTH LIKE
THE CURRENT ONES DO, THIS LASTS A YEAR AND IS ABLE TO PROTECT
PEOPLE WHO ARE IMMUNE SUPPRESSED.
>> Stephen: SO INSTEAD OF-- LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTAND THIS.
IF YOU'RE INJECTING ANTIBODIES, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT PUTTING
SOMETHING IN TO GET YOUR BODY TO REGISTER AND MAKE YOUR OWN
ANTIBODIES YOU'RE PROVIDING THE ANTIBODY.
>> EXACTLY. WE'RE GIVING THEM ANTIBODIES AND
GIVE THEM PROTECTION. SO YOU'RE ENABLING THEM TO SEE
THEIR GRANDKIDS, TO TALK TO THEIR NEIGHBORS, TO GO TO THE
SUPERMARKET. THIS IS A BIG STEP.
THESE ARE EXCITING, WE HAVE THESE TREATMENTS.
AND WE HAVE THE STANDARD MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIESES.
SOME WORK AGAINST OMICRON. IF YOU GET SICK AND IT'S EARLY
WE CAN GIVE YOU THAT INFUSION AND STOP THE VIRUS COLD.
WE ARE MUCH BETTER AT DEALING WITH IT.
THE KEY TO ALL OF THIS, THOUGH, IS VACCINE.
AND I CAN'T SAY IT DANNY. IF WE VACCINATE, WE CAN STOP
THIS VIRUS. >> Stephen: DO YOU SEE ANY
HOPE THAT VACCINE RATES ARE INCREASING?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: OKAY-- REALLY?
>> FEAR OF OMICRON. I MEAN, YOU HATE TO SAY IT, FEAR
IS GETTING PEOPLE TO BE VACCINATED.
>> Stephen: SO I STARTED THIS INTERVIEW BY NOT HYPING THE
FEAR, BUT MAYBE I SHOULD BE HYPING THE FEAR TO GET PEOPLE TO
VACCINATE. >> GOOD POINT.
( LAUGHTER ) AMONG THE UNVACCINATEDOF
OMICRON. AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST TOLD YOU
THE BOOSTERS WILL WORK. SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FEAR IF
YOU HAVE HAD A BOOSTER. GET THAT BOOSTER.
BUT WE'RE SEEING, OVER THE LAST TWO WEEKS, REALLY NUMBERS GOING
UP, WHERE SEVERAL MILLION PEOPLE A DAY IN THE COUNTRY ARE BEING
VACCINATED OR GETTING A BOOSTER. AND THAT'S NEW.
IT HAD DIPPED FOR A WHILE, AND NOW IT'S COMING BACK UP, WHICH
IS GOOD. ( APPLAUSE ).
SO MUCH. DR. DAVID AGUS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY NATALIE HEMBY.
TRACK FROM HER ALBUM, "PINS AND NEEDLES," NATALIE HEMBY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ GIVE IT UP, DON'T TRY
IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF ♪ BUT IT'S LIKE RUNNING AWAY
FROM RAIN IN THE DESERT ♪ STUMBLED UP, BLACKED OUT
DON'T KNOW HOW HARD I FELL ♪ BUT I'VE BEEN CRAWLING TO YOU
EVER SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER ♪ I'M WORKING OVERTIME
FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND ♪ YOU GOT MY NUMBER, MY THUNDER
AND IT'S YOUR THUMB THAT I'M UNDER
♪ I'M SINKING IN YOUR SAND YOU GOT THE UPPER HAND
♪ I'VE GOT YOU ON CLOUD NINE YOU GOT ME ON
PINS AND NEEDLES ♪ DIGGING MY OWN GRAVE
EVERY TIME YOU WALK THAT WAY ♪ YOU BURY ME WITH YOUR LACK OF
GOOD INTENTIONS ♪ WELL, HONEY, YOU GOT ME
BEGGING, HURTING ON MY KNEES ♪ AND IT'S THE KIND OF PAIN
THAT I CAN'T LOSE ♪ FOR THE WINNING
♪ I'M WORKING OVERTIME FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND
♪ YOU GOT MY NUMBER, MY THUNDER AND IT'S YOUR THUMB
THAT I'M UNDER ♪ I'M SINKING IN YOUR SAND
YOU'VE GOT THE UPPER HAND ♪ I GOT YOU ON CLOUD NINE
YOU GOT ME ON PINS AND NEEDLES
♪ SELF-RESPECT THERE'S NOTHING LEFT
BUT IT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE ♪ I'M ENAMORED BY THE HAMMER
LAYING DOWN ON ME ♪ I'M WORKING OVERTIME
FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND ♪ YOU GOT MY NUMBER, MY THUNDER
AND IT'S YOUR AH, AH ♪ I'M SINKING IN YOUR SAND
YOU GOT THE UPPER HAND ♪ I'VE GOT YOU ON CLOUD NINE
YOU GOT ME ON PINS AND NEEDLES
♪ PINS AND NEEDLES ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 1,000th SHOW.
GOOD NIGHT.