>> COLORADO'S EL PASO COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE WAS FORCED TO
APOLOGIZE AFTER TWEETING OUT AN IMAGE OF SANTA GETTING A
CONCEALED GUN PERMIT.
♪♪ A TWEET WAS SWIFTLY MET WITH
OUTRAGE AND CONDEMNATION.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> D'OH! RIGHT IN THE JINGLEBERRIES!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, HO, HO, HO-MACRON!
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JENNIFER LAWRENCE!
AND MUSICAL GUEST NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
>> Stephen: HEY!
NICE TO SEE YA!
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL, WELCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT -- PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE BIG
STORY, THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL DAY, WE TALK ABOUT IT AT NIGHT.
THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT BE A BIG STORY.
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE STORY
IS REALLY ABOUT.
BECAUSE IT'S ALL OMICRON THIS AND OMICRON THAT.
BUT WE DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IF THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE
ANYTHING.
WE DON'T "KNOWMICRON."
SO FAR, OMICRON APPEARS TO BE MILDER AND MORE INFECTIOUS THAN
DELTA.
THAT MAY BE HAPPENING BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, "IT SHARES GENETIC CODE WITH THE COMMON
COLD."
THIS PANDEMIC HAS GONE ON SO LONG, WE'RE OFFICIALLY AT THE
REMIX STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT VARIANT'S GOING TO BE
COVID, FEATURING SHINGLES THE SKRILLEX MIX.
(AIRHORN BLASTS) ( APPLAUSE )
SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THE GENE SWAP MAY HAVE OCCURRED AFTER A SINGLE
PERSON WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY INFECTED BY CORONAVIRUS AND
THE COMMON COLD.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
TWICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THAT PERSON'S IDENTITY HASN'T BEEN CONFIRMED, BUT RUMOR
HAS IT THAT IT'S THIS MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) OMICRON SPREADS FAST.
THIS WE DO KNOW.
ONE OF THE FIRST U.S. CASES WAS A MINNESOTA MAN WHO ATTENDED AN
ANIME CONVENTION IN MANHATTAN.
OF THE 30 PEOPLE HE WENT WITH 15 OF HIS FRIENDS ALSO HAVE
COVID-19.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
PEOPLE WHO GO TO ANIME CONVENTIONS HAVE FRIENDS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT A LITTLE THING!
I THOUGHT THEY JUST HAD SAILER MOON BODY PILLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO A SURGE IN COVID
CLASSIC.
THE U.S. IS AVERAGING 100,000 CASES OF CORONAVIRUS A
DAY, AND NOT ALL OF THOSE ARE ON LAND.
WE JUST LEARNED THAT A CRUISE SHIP DISEMBARKED IN NEW
ORLEANS WITH AT LEAST 17 COVID CASES, INCLUDING A
"PROBABLE" OMICRON INFECTION.
WE'RE BACK AT CRUISE SHIP COVID?
WHAT'S NEXT, A NEW SEASON OF 'TIGER KING'?
(INCREDULOUSLY) THERE'S WHAT??
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE CRUISE LINE CLAIMS THEY TRIED TO AVOID SPREAD INTO THE
COMMUNITY, BUT ONE PASSENGER SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN BY
SURPRISE: >> WE DIDN'T HEAR OF THIS UNTIL
WE KINDA HEARD YOU TALKING A SECOND AGO.
YEAH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE KNOWN, YOU KNOW.
WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN MAYBE A FEW MORE PRECAUTIONS.
>> STEPHEN: HE HEARD IT FROM THE REPORTER?
THE GUY'S BREAKING IMPORTANT LIFE NEWS TO HIM.
(AS REPORTER) "SIR, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
BEING EXPOSED TO CORONAVIRUS?
AND FOLLOW-UP: YOUR WIFE JUST LEFT, TOOK THE KIDS, AND CALLED
YOU A SELFISH LOVER.
YOUR THOUGHTS?" ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, I WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE KNOWN I WAS A SELFSH LOVER --
( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS.
THANKS TO FEAR OF THE NEW VARIANT:
DEMAND FOR VACCINES HAS SPIKED!
AND HERE IN NEW YORK, THE LINES MIGHT BE GETTING LONGER, THANKS
TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OUTGOING NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE
BLASIO, SEEN HERE ON DAY THREE OF BEING LEFT HANGING.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I'M TALL, BUT NO ONE --
MY ARM'S GETTING ALL TINGLY.
( APPLAUSE ) DE BLASIO UNVEILED NEW YORK
CITY'S FIRST-IN-THE-NATION VACCINE MANDATE FOR PRIVATE
COMPANIES, WHICH WILL --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH WILL
APPLY TO 184,000 BUSINESSES.
THAT'S THE FULL RANGE OF NEW YORK BUSINESSES, FROM FAMOUS
ORIGINAL RAY'S PIZZA TO ORIGINAL RAY'S FAMOUS PIZZA RAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEW RULE FOR
THE CITY.
WITH SHOTS NOW AVAILABLE FOR KIDS, ALL CHILDREN BETWEEN THE
AGES OF 5 AND 11 WILL NEED PROOF OF AT LEAST ONE SHOT BEFORE
ENTERING RESTAURANTS, THEATERS, AND GYMS.
THAT'S GREAT.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT SAFE FOR OUR SIX-YEAR-OLDS TO HIT THE LEG
PRESS.
"COME ON, MADISON, YOU THINK ZUMA FROM PAW PATROL GIVES UP AT
350 POUNDS?
GOALS ARE DREAMS, STANDARDS ARE ACCOUNTABILITY!
NOW SQUAT!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SQUAT!
YOU GOT TO BE TOUGH.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE
PEOPLE TRYING TO BEAT THE SYSTEM.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE ANTIVAXXER IN ITALY GOT CREATIVE AND TRIED TO
DODGE HIS COVID VACCINE BY WEARING A FAKE ARM.
FOOLPROOF PLAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE ITALIANS FAMOUSLY EXPRESS THEMSELVES
USING HAND GESTURES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY ARM IS TOTALLY REAL! SEE?
MUAH!
( HUMMING IN ITALIAN ) I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
MUAH, MUAH, MUAH, MUAH!
LATER, LATER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS DOING ANY JARED LITO FROM
GUCCI.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER
THAN OMICRON IS MISINFORMATION FROM
CONSERVATIVES LIKE GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN --
( BOOING ) -- AND SWIMMER WHO DECIDED THE
BATHROOM WAS TOO FAR FROM THE POOL, MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE.
GREENE HAS LONG BEEN AN OPPONENT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT
ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE PANDEMIC, AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE
TWEETED: "EVERY SINGLE YEAR MORE THAN 600,000 PEOPLE IN THE U.S.
DIE FROM CANCER.
THE COUNTRY HAS NEVER ONCE SHUT DOWN.
NOT A SINGLE SCHOOL HAS CLOSED."
BCAUSE CANCER'S NOT CONTAGIOUS, YOU NIMROD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LIKE COMPARING APPLES AND
ORANGES...
TO CANCER.
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO THINKS WE'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OUT
OF THIS WHOLE "THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION PEOPLE
DYING" IS WISCONSIN SENATOR AND MAN SAYING, "ANYBODY WANNA
FINISH MY URINE SAMPLE?," RON JOHNSON.
LAST WEEK, JOHNSON ACCUSED ANTHONY FAUCI OF OVERHYPING
COVID, AND CLAIMS IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME.
>> FAUCI DID THE EXACT SAME THING WITH AIDS.
HE OVERHYPED IT.
>> STEPHEN: (SARCASTICALLY) YES, AIDS.
THE PANDEMIC THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FAMOUSLY TOOK TOO
SERIOUSLY.
WELL, IF AIDS WAS OVERHYPED, SENATOR JOHNSON, THEN I GUESS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PROTECTION WHEN YOU GO (BLEEP)
YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, AND EVERYONE'S GETTING
INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
SPECIFICALLY, ONE SHERIFF'S OFFICE IN COLORADO WHO, ON
FRIDAY, TWEETED THIS PHOTO WITH THE CAPTION
"GUESS WHO CAME IN TO RECEIVE HIS CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMIT
TODAY?" WITH A PICTURE OF ST. NICK.
WOW, SANTA IS TAKING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
"VERY" SERIOUSLY.
NOW SANTA WITH A GUN IS AN UPSETTING IDEA
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.
SANTA IS JUST AN OLD LONER WHO LIVES OFF THE GRID, KEEPS LISTS
OF YOUR BAD DEEDS, KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, AND CAN GET INTO YOUR
HOUSE WITHOUT WAKING YOUR PARENTS UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, HE MADE OUT WITH YOUR
MOM.
I SAW.
SHE WAS INTO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
GGOT HANDSY.
( APPLAUSE ) THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE APPARENTLY
HAD A GOOD REASON TO POST JOLLY OLD ST. GLOCK.
THEY WANTED TO ADVERTISE CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMITS.
THAT'S FINE.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO UPDATE THE POEM:
"T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL
THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING...
BECAUSE SANTA'S ARMED!
LEAVE THE COOKIES AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY!"
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, WHO HERE LIKES THINGS
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS:
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THAT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S CARGO UNCHAINED:
>> "I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: JUST IN CASE HAVING
A KID DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC WASN'T CHALLENGING
ENOUGH, THIS FALL, PARENTS HAVE EXPERIENCED A DIAPER SHORTAGE.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE'S STILL A ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CHILDLESS
FRIENDS TO SAY, "WHY NOT JUST SWITCH TO CLOTH DIAPERS?
WANNA GO SEE A MOVIE?
OH, RIGHT."
THIS SUPPLY-DEMAND ISSUE IS LEADING TO SKYROCKETING PRICES.
PACKAGES OF DIAPERS THAT WERE 25 DOLLARS LAST YEAR ARE NOW 40
DOLLARS.
THAT'S INSANE!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) A PACKAGE OF DIAPERS SHOULDN'T
COST MORE THAN A TANK OF GAS.
"TANK OF GAS," BY THE WAY, IS A GREAT NICKNAME FOR A BABY
WHO GOES THROUGH A LOT OF DIAPERS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST WHAT COMES OUT OF
BABIES THAT'S POSING A PROBLEM.
SO IS WHAT GOES IN. BECAUSE THERE'S ALSO A NATIONWIDE
BABY FORMULA SHORTAGE.
THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
ALSO STRANGELY SINISTER.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF....
THE FORMULA.
(CRACK OF THUNDER) YOU KNOW..THE FORMULA...
WE GIVE..
THE BABY.
( THUNDER ROLLS ) THIS FORMULA SHORTAGE IS TOUGH
BECAUSE PARENTS CAN'T JUST SWITCH FROM ONE BRAND TO
ANOTHER, SINCE SOME BABIES CAN DEVELOP AN INTOLERANCE TO
INGREDIENTS IN SPECIFIC BRANDS.
IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHAT LED TO THE FAILURE OF MY BABY FORMULA BRAND:
STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHELLFISH, EGG AND DAIRY FORMULA.
NOW WITH MORE PEANUT!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TOUGH ON PARENTS
BECAUSE, AS EXPERTS POINT OUT, UNLIKE TOILET PAPER WHICH WAS IN
SHORT SUPPLY EARLIER IN THE PANDEMIC, BABY GEAR IS UNIQUE
BECAUSE IT CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL PURCHASE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TOILET PAPER, IT'S AN EMOTIONAL
PURCHASE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
RIGHT HERE.
NEXT UP, START HOARDING YOUR CREAM CHEESE, BECAUSE NEW YORK
CITY IS FACING A "SCHMEAR SHORTAGE."
NO SCHMEAR?!
HOLY SCHMIT!
( LAUGHTER ) NEW YORK CAN'T RUN OUT OF CREAM
CHEESE!
THAT'S LIKE PARIS RUNNING OUT OF CROISSANTS OR SEATTLE RUNNING
OUT OF COFFEE OR LOS ANGELES RUNNING OUT OF
HOT CHRISES.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, HOT CHRIS WITH A SHMEAR?
RIGHT OUT OF THE TOASTER?
AMAZING!
OH, MMM!
MMM!
AAAAHHH!
MUAH!
( LAUGHTER ) SOME NEW YORK BAGEL SHOPS SAY
THEY COULD RUN OUT OF CREAM CHEESE AS SOON AS THIS
WEEK.
AS ONE BAGEL-PRENEUR PUT IT: >> "THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY
BAD."
ALSO HOW I DESCRIBE A BLUEBERRY BAGEL.
JUST GET A (BLEEP)-ING MUFFIN!
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SHOULD ROBOTS BE ALLOWED TO DECIDE TO
KILL US?
THE QUESTION MAY SURPRISE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
GRMPTS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: JON, JUST A MINUTE.
MOMENTS FROM NOW -- MOMENTS FROM NOW, JON --
>> Jon: YES!
WOO-HOO-HOO!
IS THAT IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO TO ONE OF THESE SHOWS.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THAT LIGHTLY.
IN A MOMENT I'LL HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO AN INCREDIBLY
TALENTED ACTRESS, A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING, JENNIFER LAWRENCE
WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE, WE DRANK
A WHOLE LOT OF RUM.
>> Jon: YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: SHE WAS AT THE END OF A VERY LONG RUN TALKING ABOUT
WHATEVER MOVIE SHE WAS DOING BACK THEN.
I'M SURE I ENJOYED IT.
AND SHE WAS A LITTLE TIRED, SO I SAID HOW ABOUT A SHOT?
AND I THINK WE DRANK SO MUCH THAT I BELIEVE CBS MADE US TAKE
OUT SOME OF THE DRINKING WE DID.
IS THIS TRUE, THAT WE COULD DO -- HOW MANY SHOTS -- WE COULD
SHOW US DOING THREE SHOTS BUT NOT THE OTHER THREE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL HAVE SOME FOLLOW-UP
QUESTIONS FOR HER TONIGHT.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I THINK SHE WENT FROM HERE TO THE
PREMIERE, IS WHAT HAPPENED, SO THAT SHOULD BE FUN.
FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW, I'M A MAJOR TECH HEAD.
I DON'T WANNA BRAG, BUT ON MY PHONE, I HAVE AN APP WHERE MY
PHONE CAN BE USED AS A PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S WHY I AM JUST THE
PERSON TO KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THE LATEST IN TECH IN MY LONG
RUNNING SEGMENT: ( APPLAUSE )
FIRST UP "THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT IS
PUSHING FOR AN INTERNATIONAL BAN ON 'KILLER
ROBOTS'."
THAT'S GREAT. BUT ALSO WEIRD THAT SOMEONE HAS TO SAY "HEY,
MAYBE NO KILLER ROBOTS?" AND IT'S A COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T
HAVE ANY KILLER ROBOTS THAT'S SAYING IT, AND THAT THEM SAYING
"MAYBE NO KILLER ROBOTS?" IS NEWS.
WHAT THE KIWIS ARE AGAINST IS AUTONOMOUS WEAPONS IN THE
BATTLEFIELD.
AS ONE MEMBER OF THE NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT PUT IT:
>> "THE PROSPECT OF A FUTURE WHERE THE DECISION
TO TAKE A HUMAN LIFE IS DELEGATED TO
MACHINES IS ABHORRENT AND INCONSISTENT WITH
NEW ZEALAND'S INTERESTS AND VALUES."
>> STEPHEN: YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY?
YOU'RE BEING LECTURED ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFE BY PEOPLE
WHO SEE A BRIDGE AND GO: "HEY, WHAT SAY I PUSH YOU OFF
THAT WITH A RUBBER BAND TIED TO YOUR FOOT?"
( LAUGHTER ) SO, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: "WAIT A
MINUTE, NEW ZEALAND.
IS EVERYONE ELSE 'PRO'-KILLER ROBOT?"
AND NEW ZEALAND IS LIKE "NO, BUT 'YOU' ARE," BECAUSE THE U.S.
JUST REJECTED CALLS FOR REGULATING OR BANNING 'KILLER
ROBOTS.' OF COURSE WE DID!
NEW ZEALAND IS THE NEIGHBOR WITH NO MOTORCYCLE GOING "HEY
SHOULD WE MAYBE REGULATE HOW LOUD MOTORCYCLES ARE?"
AND WE'RE GOING (REVVING MOTORCYCLE)
"RNNNHH! CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M WORKIN' ON MAKING THIS THING
LOUDER AND DRIVING ITSELF AND KILLING PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M GUESSING THE U.S.
DOESN'T WANT TO BAN KILLER ROBOTS, BECAUSE THANKS TO OUR
MILITARY, "ROBOT DOGS NOW HAVE SNIPER RIFLES. "
IT'S JUST LIKE A REGULAR DOG, ONLY IF THIS ONE GETS SPOOKED BY
THUNDER, IT MURDERS EVERYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THAT.
THE LITTLE GUN ON TOP MAKES IT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE DOG HEAD.
LIKEOING TO HEAD WITH A LONG GOOFY NOSE.
BUT THE NOSE IS WHERE THE MURDER COMES OUT.
"WHO'S A KILLER?
YOU ARE!" THIS FULLY-ARMED FIDO CARRIES
SOMETHING CALLED A "SPECIAL PURPOSE UNMANNED RIFLE,
OR 'SPUR.'" AND THEY BRAG "THE SPUR CAN OPERATE IN A
MAGNITUDE OF CONDITIONS, BOTH DAY AND NIGHT."
AREN'T "ALL" GUNS SUPPOSED TO WORK AT ANY HOUR?
WHO'S GOING "CALL OFF THE INVASION!
I ONLY BROUGHT MY DAY GUN!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IF CLIFFORD THE BIG GREY CANNON ISN'T ENOUGH
"THE US ARMY IS ALSO PLANNING A HUGE EXPERIMENT WITH ROBOT
TANKS."
AND IF MY SCIENCE FICTION NOVELS HAVE TAUGHT ME ANYTHING
ROBOT TANKS WILL SOON BE PLANNING A HUGE EXPERIMENT ON
THE U.S. ARMY.
ANYWAY, EVEN IF THEY DO DEPLOY AUTONOMOUS KILLING MACHINES, AT
LEAST HUMANS WILL ALWAYS CONTROL HOW MANY OF THEM THERE ARE...
AND I'M BEING TOLD THE WORLD'S FIRST LIVING ROBOTS
CAN NOW REPRODUCE.
I DON'T KNOW IF ROBOTS ARE READY FOR THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY.
MAYBE THEY SHOULD FIRST JUST GET ONE OF THOSE GUN-HEADED DOGS.
TO MAKE THE REPRODUCING ROBOTS RESEARCHERS, USING A.I. AND A
SUPERCOMPUTER "TOOK STEM CELLS FROM AFRICAN
CLAWED FROG EMBRYOS AND FORMED THEM INTO TINY LIVING CREATURES
CALLED XENOBOTS, WHICH WERE ABLE TO MOVE ON THEIR OWN,
COMMUNICATE AMONGST EACH OTHER AND HEAL THEMSELVES FROM AN
INJURY, MAKING THEM THE FIRST-EVER LIVING ROBOTS."
WHICH IS WHEN RESEARCHERS BULLDOZED THE LAB, DROPPED FLASH
GRENADES INTO THE RUBBLE AND WENT BACK TO THEIR FIRST
LOVE: STAND UP COMEDY.
WHAT'S THAT? NO? THEY KEPT GOING?
SWEET.
THEN "THE XENOBOTS WOULD MOVE AROUND THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND
FIND SINGLE CELLS.
THEY WOULD GATHER HUNDREDS OF THESE CELLS AT ONCE AND THEN
ASSEMBLE AN OFFSPRING INSIDE THEIR MOUTH.
A FEW DAYS LATER, THE OFFSPRING BECAME A NEW XENOBOT."
AND THAT'S WHEN RESEARCHERS DOUSED THE BUILDING IN JET FUEL,
WALKED AWAY FROM THE SMOKING RUINS, AND TOOK UP SELLING
DRIFTWOOD SCULPTURES ON THE BEACH--
NO?
STILL MAKING 'EM PUKE ROBOT BABIES?
SUPER DUPE.
AS ONE OF THE EXPERTS WORKING ON THE PROJECT, JOSH BONGARD PUT IT
"WE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT WALK.
WE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT SWIM.
AND NOW, IN THIS STUDY, WE'VE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT
KINEMATICALLY REPLICATE.
WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE?" A BEACH, A POCKET KNIFE, AND
YOUR IMAGINATION.
PLEASE, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY
AWARD WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM, "THE HUNGER GAMES,"
"SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK," AND "X-MEN FIRST CLASS."
SHE NOW STARS IN, "DON'T LOOK UP."
>> WE HAVE PRECISELY SIX MONTHS, TEN DAYS, TWO HOURS, ELEVEN
MINUTES AND 41 SECONDS UNTIL A COMET TWICE THE SIZE CHECKS LUBE
MAKES US EXTINCT ON EARTH.
>> WHEN DID YOU DO THOSE CALCULATIONS.
>> ON A DIET IMPACT.
I'M SCARED.
>> HEY, COME ON, COME ON.
EVERYONE SHOULD BE PANICKING RIGHT NOW.
DON'T CRY.
COME ON.
>> I KNOW.
( PHONE DINGS ) >> WHAT HAPPENED?
PLUS MY BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW
JENNIFER LAWRENCE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: SO...
HOW YOU BEEN?
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S NEW?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
>> NOTHING.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, AS I WAS TALKING, WE
DID SIX SHOTS OF RUM.
>> WHOO!
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO
DO THAT THIS TIME.
>> PLEASE, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I HAVE TO GO TO A PREMAIR
AFTER THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO A PREMIERE OF YOUR MOVIE
AFTER THAT.
DID IT SHOW?
>> UM -- WELL, I TRIED TO OVERDO IT AND WAS LIKE, DON'T LOOK
DRUNK, THIS IS ME SOBER!
I'M NOT SLURRING!
MY EYEBROWS ARE NOT SLURRING.
>> Stephen: YOUR EYEBROWS WERE SLURRING?
THAT'S HOW DRUNK YOU WERE?
YOUR EYEBROWS HAD A SPEECH IMPED MEANT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IN 2013, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO TAKE A
BREAK FROM THE SPOTLIGHT AND ACTING.
I GUESS YOU HADN'T MADE THE DECISION TO DO SO YET BECAUSE
YOU WERE SORT OF SAYING, OH, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT, THEN
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ALL THE RUM WE DRANK AND YOU SAID I'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
DID YOU HAVE FUN?
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS?
>> I JUST HAD A TON OF SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
GOOD FOR YOU!
( APPLAUSE ) >> I'M JOKING.
UM...
I COOKED A LITTLE.
I MEAN, THE PANDEMIC HAPPENED, THEN I COOKED AND I CLEANED A
LOT.
>> Stephen: YOU PICKED A GOOD TIME TO TAKE THE TIME OFF.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE PANDEMIC WAS COMING.
>> I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, I'M READY!
AND IT ENDED UP BEING FOUR YEARS.
THE MATH MIGHT BE NOT RIGHT ON THAT.
>> Stephen: IF YOU DIDN'T DO THIS, IF YOU WEREN'T AN RK AN ,
IF YOU HAD TAKEN A PERMANENT BREAK AND NEVER COME BACK FROM
THAT, WHAT'S THE BACKUP PLAN FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE?
>> I THINK I WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD HOUSEKEEPER.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
I MAKE A MESS, BUT I'M REALLY GOOD AT CLEANING IT UP.
I CAN ATTACK A MESS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE, LIKE -- IS IT KITCHENS,
BATHROOMS?
WHAT ARE WE TALKING?
>> KITCHENS, BATHROOMS.
MOST OF THE TIME THE KITCHEN IS MORE --
>> Stephen: I FIND IT SOOTHING.
>> I LISTEN TO MY MURDER PODCAST.
>> Stephen: YOU LISTEN TO THAT, AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?
IT'S VERY SOOTHING AND MEDDATIVE, JUST CLEAN THIS SPOT
AND THAT SPOT AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW --
>> YOU NEED TO HAVE A GAME PLAN LIKE A HOUSEKEEPER.
>> Stephen: I START WITH THE SOCK DRAWER, MATCHING THE SOCKS,
THEN IT'S LIKE MATCHING THE PARTS OF MY BRAIN THAT ARE ALL
SCRAMBLED UP AND I'M REALLY CLEANING ME.
>> ORGANIZING Y YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: DEEP.
WINTERS BONE, YOU'RE 19.
THEN YOU WORKED CONSTANTLY, INCLUDING WINNING AN OSCAR IN
THERE, FOR TEN YEARS, AND THEN AFTER TEN YEARS, YOU SAID, I
WANT TO STEP BACK.
WHAT DID YOU LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF STEPPING BACK?
>> WHAT DID I LEARN ABOUT MYSELF?
>> Stephen: TO TAKE TIME AND SAY I'M NOT GOING TO BE A PUBLIC
FIGURE AFTER BEING SO SUCCESSFUL.
>> WHAT I LEARNED IS SO DEEP AND PROFOUND --
>> Stephen: THAT YOU WON'T WANT TO TELL ME?
>> I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, NO.
I ALWAYS FOUND COMFORT IN A SCHEDULE AND DOING SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YEP.
AND BEING SOMEWHERE, AND JUST KIND OF THE COMFORT OF BEING,
YOU KNOW, ON SET WHERE THE WORLD IS ONE THING AND VERY ORGANIZED,
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOT, LIKE, PEOPLE SCREAMING, AND I THINK
COMING OUT OF HUNGER GAMES AND ALL OF THAT, IT WAS NICE.
I TOOK A BREAK AND NOBODY REALLY CARED AND IT WAS QUIET AND I GOT
TO, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, KIND OF FEEL LIKE I COULD BECOME PART OF
THE WORLD AGAIN WITHOUT -- YEAH, WITHOUT F FANFARE, LITERAL
FANFARE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
THE WORLD HAS GOTTEN CRAZIER OVER THE LAST FEW YOU STEPPED
AWAY, YOU ALLOWED YOURSELF TO GET QUIETER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS AN INTERESTING JUXTAPOSITION
BETWEEN YOU AND THE WORLD.
>> YEAH, THE WORLD SHOULD TAKE A BREAK.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE WONDERFUL JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
I "DON'T LOOK UP" YOU LIE PLAY A SCIENTIST THAT DISCOVERS A
POTENTIALLY EARTH-DESTROYING COMET, HA, HA, HA.
>> HA, HA, HA.
>> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD TO DO IT IN A STRICT
COVID BUBBLE.
HOW STRANGE WAS IT TO BE STUCK IN A BUBBLE WITH LEONARDO
DICAPRIO AND MERYL STREEP AND TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET AND LAWRENCE.
>> IT WAS KIND OF COOL.
WE ALL HAD TO SHARE A BATHROOM.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE HAD TO SHARE A BATHROOM.
>> Stephen: SO WE KNOW YOU ALL ARE FINE AND NO ONE ELSE COULD
COME INTO YOUR ZONE.
>> YEAH, AND I LOST A TOOTH, LIKE, PRETTY SOON --
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU LOSE A TOOTH?
>> IT WAS REALLY STUPID.
IT WAS A VENEER.
IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT'S UNDERNEATH A VENEERETH MUCH
WORSE.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A FANG.
YEAH.
I LOST THAT AND I COULDN'T GO TO THE DENTIST BECAUSE OF COVID.
>> Stephen: THEY COULDN'T EVEN BRING IN A VACCINATED --
>> WE DIDN'T EVEN DISCUSS IT.
I SAID, IT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST DO IT LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A LITTLE WHISTLE?
>> OH, YEAH, OF COURSE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I JUST ROAD OVER
YOU.
DID YOU SAY THEY C.G.I.'D A TOOTH ON TO YOU?
>> WELL, THANK GOD, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEY WE WANT THROUGH FRAME BY FRAME AND PUT A
TOOTH IN YOUR MOUTH?
>> YEAH.
THANK GOD FOR NETFLIX' MONEY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SOME LONG GREEN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOW.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, HOW LONG BEFORE YOU HAD IT ACTUALLY
FIXED?
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE, WHEN I FINISHED, I WAS SO USED
TO IT AND IT WAS STILL COVID THAT I WASN'T IN A BIG HURRY TO
GET IT FIXED.
>> Stephen: I BET YOU COULD MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH A STAKE.
ARRRR!
>> YEAH, BUT NOT SUCKERS.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU ALREADY KNOW?
MERLE AND LEO?
DO YOU STILL GET STAR STRUCK?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> OH, MY GOD YES.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN OSCAR WINNER.
>> I FELT LIKE GARBAGE EVERY DAY ON THAT SET.
I WAS, LIKE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO
ME.
TIS HAPPENED TODAY, WE OFFHANDEDLY CALLED MERLE THE
GOAT, AND WE WERE DOING THE A PHOTOSHOOT AND I SAID GOAT, AND
ME --AND MERYL SAID, YEAH, JUSTL THE GOAT WHERE TO GO.
AND I SAID, YOU KNOW GOAT MEANS GREATEST OF ALL TIME, AND SHE
SAID, OH!
I SAID, WE HAVEN'T JUST BEEN CALLING YOU GOAT.
AND SHE THOUGHT, OH, I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, AN OLD
GOAT.
>> Stephen: SHE TOOK IT WELL.
BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
WHAT'S MARK WILENS LIKE OFF CAMERA BECAUSE I CAN'T GET A
READ ON THAT GUY.
HE'S SUCH A BRILLIANT ACTOR.
>> IT'S AMAZING TO BE WORKING WITH AN ACTOR THAT SCARES MERYL
AND LEO.
HE WAS A LITTLE IN CHARACTER OR JUST FOCUSED.
I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T PUSH.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Stephen: HE'S BRITISH.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY HARD TO TELL WHEN THEY'RE ACTING.
>> I WAS, LIKE, HI, I'M JEN.
VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ON THE SET.
AND JONAH SAID, YOUTH ISSEPD OFF MARK AND I SAID, SHOULD I SAY
SOMETHING?
HE SAID, YES, YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.
HE STOPPED ME JUST IN TIME BEFORE I SAID ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU IMAGINE YOU OFFENDED HIM?
>> I DIDN'T QUESTION IT LIKE I DIDN'T QUESTION THE TOOTH.
I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS WHAT IT IS, EVERYONE'S MAD AT ME.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A SCENE IN THE FILM.
LET ME GET THIS RIGHT.
IT'S YOU, LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET, IS IT
COMPLETELY TO HAVE THE THREE OF YOU IN ONE VEHICLE?
IS IT LIKE THE PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT AND SPEAKER OF
THE HOUSE, ONE OF YOU HAS TO BE THE DESIGNATED SURVIVOR?
>> IT WAS THE MOST ANNOYING DAY IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE ANNOYING?
THEY DROVE ME CRAZY THAT DAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
TIMOTHY WAS JUST EXCITED TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, HIS FIRST SCENE.
AND LEO PICKED THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING IN THE CAR AND WAS JUST,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS SONG WAS ABOUT, YOU KNOW, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH -- >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE
HIM.
THAT IS AN UNCANNY IMPRESSION OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
>> I JUST REMEMBER BEING IN ABSOLUTE MISERY THAT DAY.
>> Stephen: SO BEING WITH THOSE TWO GUYS IS AWFUL.
>> IT WAS HELL.
TIMOTHY, I WAS SO EXCITED.
HE'S SUCH A TALENTED ACTOR.
BUT IN A TWO SHOT, I'M, LIKE, I'M 31, I MEAN, I WASN'T THIS
FAT, BUT I'M FAT THAN TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET.
THAT WAS HARROWING.
>> Stephen: SURE, THE BONE STRUCTURE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE BONE STRUCTURE ALONE.
>> US IN THE TWO SHOTS, OOOH, WHO'S THAT, YOUR COACH?
( LAUGHTER ) DISPRNCHES.
>> Stephen: UM, THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP, NEWS FLASH.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE LAWRENCE FAMILY TRADITIONS THAT YOU --
ESPECIALLY NOW THAT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU
MIGHT BE CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS WITH IN THE NEAR FUTURE THAT YOU
WOULD WANT TO SHARE WITH US?
>> I MEAN, WE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE ANY TRADITIONS GROWING UP IS
THAT YOU HAVE NO CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS.
DO YOU HAVE A TREE?
>> YEAH, THE TREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY ANNOYING GROWING UP, WE WOULD
WAKE UP AND BE LIKE, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
BUT MY PARENTS DIDN'T SET UP THE NIGHT BEFORE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
OMETIMES, I THINK LIKE IF THEY HAD A LATE NIGHT, THEY
WOULD BE, LIKE, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE SANTA GOT EVERYTHING, AND
WE WOULD BE SITTING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS GOING -- COME ON!
>> Stephen: SANTA CAME WHENEVER MOM AND DAD WOKE UP?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I ADMIRE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I INHALE ALL THE HARRY
POTTERS THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING.
IT'S HARRY POTTER TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT MAKES SENSE.
I THINK THE FIRST ONE WAS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
>> THEY MAKE THEM ALL PRETTY CHRISTMASSY.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT "LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES, EVER SEEN
THOSE.
>> I LIKE THOSE.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME MOVIE, IN MY MIND.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OH...
YOU'RE GOING TO GET FURTHER AWAY!
>> Stephen: NO, THAT'S FINE.
THAT'S FINE.
SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE ALL THE SAME MOVIE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> I JUST CAN'T -- I -- I -- I
LOVE THEM, I LOVE WATCHING THEM, BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED IN WHICH.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A RING, THEY WANT TO GET RID OF THE
RING, THEY EVENTUALLY DO.
>> THE ELEPHANTS.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A RING AND THERE'S ELEPHANTS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BIT OF A JUMP.
THAT'S ABOUT A NINE-HOUR JUMP RIGHT THERE.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW.
I WOULDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS IN THE FIRST MOVIE.
BILBO.
>> Stephen: BILBO IS A CHARACTER IN THE HOBBIT, HE IS.
THANK YOU.
>> SORRY.
>> Stephen: NO, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CARING AT ALL.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, SO WE DOT YOU SOMETHING.
THIS IS A LITTLE PRESENT -- >> I'M NOT GOING TO FIT IN THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD TRY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU COULD TRY.
.JENNIFER, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: "DON'T LOOK UP" IS IN SELECT THEATERS THIS
FRIDAY AND AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX STARTING CHRISTMAS EVE.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY NATHANIEL
RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS.
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM THEIR ALBUM "THE
FUTURE," NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ IS THE FUTURE OPEN?
IS THE FUTURE SEEN?
♪ YOU'D HAVE TO PRAY FOREVER AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE
♪ THEY'LL COME DOWN ON YOU FROM THE LONGEST FALL
♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY'VE ALL BEEN VANQUISHED
♪ AND THEY'VE ALL BEEN TRIED LIKE IT'S SOME GREAT PENALTY,
♪ BUT IT'S JUST THEIR PRIDE AND THEY GOT NO FOLLOW-THROUGH
♪ THEY HOLD THE WEAKEST STANCE ♪ ♪ ♪
YEAH, WELL, THEY'LL COME TO ♪ STEAL AND DIVIDE
ALL THAT'S GOOD ♪ ♪ ♪
YOU SAY YOU THIRST FOR VENGEANCE ♪ AND YOU CRAVE FOR FIRE
ON THE ROOFS OF INNOCENCE ♪ YOU WATCH THEM RAGE AND WRITHE
AND IT DON'T BOTHER YOU ♪ YOU FEEL SO BRAVE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU'RE STANDING IN THE WATER
YOU THINK THAT YOU'VE BEEN SAVED ♪ WITH YOUR BLIND IGNORANCE
IN COMES A CRUSHING WAVE ♪ NOW SEE WHAT DROWN MEN DO IN
YOUR WATERY GRAVE ♪ WELL, THEY'LL COME TO
STEAL AND DIVIDE ♪ ALL THAT'S GOOD
YEAH, THEY'LL COME TO ♪ STEAL AND DIVIDE
ALL THAT'S GOOD ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, THEY'LL COME TO STEAL AND DIVIDE
♪ YEAH, THEY COME TO STEAL AND DIVIDE
♪ ALL THAT'S GOOD ALL THAT'S GOOD
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, NATHANIEL.
NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA
NIXON, AND ADAM MCKAY.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.