1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:04,871 >> COLORADO'S EL PASO COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE WAS FORCED TO 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,575 APOLOGIZE AFTER TWEETING OUT AN IMAGE OF SANTA GETTING A 3 00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:10,610 CONCEALED GUN PERMIT. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:17,951 ♪♪ A TWEET WAS SWIFTLY MET WITH 5 00:00:18,017 --> 00:00:20,387 OUTRAGE AND CONDEMNATION. 6 00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:35,335 ♪♪ ♪♪ 7 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:46,312 ♪♪ ♪♪ 8 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,949 >> D'OH! RIGHT IN THE JINGLEBERRIES! 9 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:58,625 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 10 00:00:58,691 --> 00:01:01,027 TONIGHT, HO, HO, HO-MACRON! 11 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:05,098 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JENNIFER LAWRENCE! 12 00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:12,572 AND MUSICAL GUEST NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS, 13 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:17,911 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 14 00:01:17,977 --> 00:01:20,647 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 15 00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:24,584 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:39,532 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) 17 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:40,633 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) 18 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,178 >> Stephen: HEY! 19 00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,313 NICE TO SEE YA! 20 00:01:53,379 --> 00:02:00,453 LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! 21 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:05,425 WELCOME ONE AND ALL, WELCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO 22 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:06,125 "THE LATE SHOW." 23 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:09,229 I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. 24 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,599 TONIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 25 00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:19,372 TONIGHT, THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT -- PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE BIG 26 00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:25,512 STORY, THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL DAY, WE TALK ABOUT IT AT NIGHT. 27 00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:27,146 THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT BE A BIG STORY. 28 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,381 EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE STORY 29 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:29,382 IS REALLY ABOUT. 30 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,884 BECAUSE IT'S ALL OMICRON THIS AND OMICRON THAT. 31 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,919 BUT WE DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IF THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE 32 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,453 ANYTHING. 33 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,555 WE DON'T "KNOWMICRON." 34 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,223 SO FAR, OMICRON APPEARS TO BE MILDER AND MORE INFECTIOUS THAN 35 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,925 DELTA. 36 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,194 THAT MAY BE HAPPENING BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO A NEW 37 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:43,596 STUDY, "IT SHARES GENETIC CODE WITH THE COMMON 38 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,764 COLD." 39 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:45,932 THIS PANDEMIC HAS GONE ON SO LONG, WE'RE OFFICIALLY AT THE 40 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:51,237 REMIX STAGE. 41 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,740 ( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT VARIANT'S GOING TO BE 42 00:02:53,806 --> 00:03:01,648 COVID, FEATURING SHINGLES THE SKRILLEX MIX. 43 00:03:01,714 --> 00:03:02,916 (AIRHORN BLASTS) ( APPLAUSE ) 44 00:03:02,982 --> 00:03:04,651 SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THE GENE SWAP MAY HAVE OCCURRED AFTER A SINGLE 45 00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,619 PERSON WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY INFECTED BY CORONAVIRUS AND 46 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,521 THE COMMON COLD. 47 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:10,623 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" 48 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,359 TWICE. 49 00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:16,663 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 50 00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:21,801 NOW, THAT PERSON'S IDENTITY HASN'T BEEN CONFIRMED, BUT RUMOR 51 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:22,602 HAS IT THAT IT'S THIS MAN. 52 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:26,205 ( LAUGHTER ) OMICRON SPREADS FAST. 53 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,041 THIS WE DO KNOW. 54 00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:35,248 ONE OF THE FIRST U.S. CASES WAS A MINNESOTA MAN WHO ATTENDED AN 55 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:38,084 ANIME CONVENTION IN MANHATTAN. 56 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,387 OF THE 30 PEOPLE HE WENT WITH 15 OF HIS FRIENDS ALSO HAVE 57 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,022 COVID-19. 58 00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:44,023 THAT IS SHOCKING. 59 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:51,264 PEOPLE WHO GO TO ANIME CONVENTIONS HAVE FRIENDS? 60 00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:52,365 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 61 00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,233 I GOT A LITTLE THING! 62 00:03:54,300 --> 00:04:02,241 I THOUGHT THEY JUST HAD SAILER MOON BODY PILLOWS. 63 00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,242 ( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO A SURGE IN COVID 64 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:04,510 CLASSIC. 65 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:05,745 THE U.S. IS AVERAGING 100,000 CASES OF CORONAVIRUS A 66 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,246 DAY, AND NOT ALL OF THOSE ARE ON LAND. 67 00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:11,250 WE JUST LEARNED THAT A CRUISE SHIP DISEMBARKED IN NEW 68 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,254 ORLEANS WITH AT LEAST 17 COVID CASES, INCLUDING A 69 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:19,258 "PROBABLE" OMICRON INFECTION. 70 00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:20,159 WE'RE BACK AT CRUISE SHIP COVID? 71 00:04:20,226 --> 00:04:21,094 WHAT'S NEXT, A NEW SEASON OF 'TIGER KING'? 72 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:27,266 (INCREDULOUSLY) THERE'S WHAT?? 73 00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:31,270 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 74 00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:33,906 THE CRUISE LINE CLAIMS THEY TRIED TO AVOID SPREAD INTO THE 75 00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:35,475 COMMUNITY, BUT ONE PASSENGER SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN BY 76 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:38,945 SURPRISE: >> WE DIDN'T HEAR OF THIS UNTIL 77 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,614 WE KINDA HEARD YOU TALKING A SECOND AGO. 78 00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:45,251 YEAH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE KNOWN, YOU KNOW. 79 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:52,892 WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN MAYBE A FEW MORE PRECAUTIONS. 80 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:53,893 >> STEPHEN: HE HEARD IT FROM THE REPORTER? 81 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:54,861 THE GUY'S BREAKING IMPORTANT LIFE NEWS TO HIM. 82 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,629 (AS REPORTER) "SIR, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT 83 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:57,864 BEING EXPOSED TO CORONAVIRUS? 84 00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:58,965 AND FOLLOW-UP: YOUR WIFE JUST LEFT, TOOK THE KIDS, AND CALLED 85 00:04:59,032 --> 00:04:59,632 YOU A SELFISH LOVER. 86 00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:07,707 YOUR THOUGHTS?" ( LAUGHTER ) 87 00:05:07,774 --> 00:05:12,311 WELL, I WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE KNOWN I WAS A SELFSH LOVER -- 88 00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:13,846 ( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS. 89 00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:15,248 THANKS TO FEAR OF THE NEW VARIANT: 90 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:16,516 DEMAND FOR VACCINES HAS SPIKED! 91 00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:17,650 AND HERE IN NEW YORK, THE LINES MIGHT BE GETTING LONGER, THANKS 92 00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,352 TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OUTGOING NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE 93 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:26,025 BLASIO, SEEN HERE ON DAY THREE OF BEING LEFT HANGING. 94 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:30,496 ( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I'M TALL, BUT NO ONE -- 95 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:35,134 MY ARM'S GETTING ALL TINGLY. 96 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,969 ( APPLAUSE ) DE BLASIO UNVEILED NEW YORK 97 00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:39,405 CITY'S FIRST-IN-THE-NATION VACCINE MANDATE FOR PRIVATE 98 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:43,376 COMPANIES, WHICH WILL -- 99 00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,278 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH WILL 100 00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:47,246 APPLY TO 184,000 BUSINESSES. 101 00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:51,250 THAT'S THE FULL RANGE OF NEW YORK BUSINESSES, FROM FAMOUS 102 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:55,254 ORIGINAL RAY'S PIZZA TO ORIGINAL RAY'S FAMOUS PIZZA RAY. 103 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,890 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEW RULE FOR 104 00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,258 THE CITY. 105 00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:02,428 WITH SHOTS NOW AVAILABLE FOR KIDS, ALL CHILDREN BETWEEN THE 106 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:05,531 AGES OF 5 AND 11 WILL NEED PROOF OF AT LEAST ONE SHOT BEFORE 107 00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:10,169 ENTERING RESTAURANTS, THEATERS, AND GYMS. 108 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,404 THAT'S GREAT. 109 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:11,671 WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT SAFE FOR OUR SIX-YEAR-OLDS TO HIT THE LEG 110 00:06:12,805 --> 00:06:15,675 PRESS. 111 00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:17,210 "COME ON, MADISON, YOU THINK ZUMA FROM PAW PATROL GIVES UP AT 112 00:06:17,276 --> 00:06:20,680 350 POUNDS? 113 00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:22,749 GOALS ARE DREAMS, STANDARDS ARE ACCOUNTABILITY! 114 00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:28,688 NOW SQUAT!" ( LAUGHTER ) 115 00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:34,527 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SQUAT! 116 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:35,828 YOU GOT TO BE TOUGH. 117 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,363 YOU GOT TO BE TOUGH. 118 00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,531 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 119 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:41,134 >> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE 120 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,902 PEOPLE TRYING TO BEAT THE SYSTEM. 121 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,670 FOR INSTANCE, ONE ANTIVAXXER IN ITALY GOT CREATIVE AND TRIED TO 122 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:50,977 DODGE HIS COVID VACCINE BY WEARING A FAKE ARM. 123 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,478 FOOLPROOF PLAN. 124 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:56,682 IT'S NOT LIKE ITALIANS FAMOUSLY EXPRESS THEMSELVES 125 00:06:56,749 --> 00:07:00,686 USING HAND GESTURES. 126 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,189 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 127 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,690 MY ARM IS TOTALLY REAL! SEE? 128 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:09,428 MUAH! 129 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:12,298 ( HUMMING IN ITALIAN ) I LOVE YOU! 130 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,834 I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 131 00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,669 MUAH, MUAH, MUAH, MUAH! 132 00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:20,673 LATER, LATER! 133 00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:32,685 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS DOING ANY JARED LITO FROM 134 00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:33,820 GUCCI. 135 00:07:33,886 --> 00:07:34,754 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER 136 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:36,689 THAN OMICRON IS MISINFORMATION FROM 137 00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:42,662 CONSERVATIVES LIKE GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN -- 138 00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:46,766 ( BOOING ) -- AND SWIMMER WHO DECIDED THE 139 00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:50,269 BATHROOM WAS TOO FAR FROM THE POOL, MARJORIE TAYLOR 140 00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:51,404 GREENE. 141 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:52,538 GREENE HAS LONG BEEN AN OPPONENT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT 142 00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:53,806 ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE PANDEMIC, AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE 143 00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:56,676 TWEETED: "EVERY SINGLE YEAR MORE THAN 600,000 PEOPLE IN THE U.S. 144 00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:57,510 DIE FROM CANCER. 145 00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:58,778 THE COUNTRY HAS NEVER ONCE SHUT DOWN. 146 00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:01,948 NOT A SINGLE SCHOOL HAS CLOSED." 147 00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:08,688 BCAUSE CANCER'S NOT CONTAGIOUS, YOU NIMROD. 148 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:16,896 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LIKE COMPARING APPLES AND 149 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,700 ORANGES... 150 00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:21,968 TO CANCER. 151 00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:23,269 ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO THINKS WE'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OUT 152 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:27,306 OF THIS WHOLE "THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION PEOPLE 153 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:28,975 DYING" IS WISCONSIN SENATOR AND MAN SAYING, "ANYBODY WANNA 154 00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:32,678 FINISH MY URINE SAMPLE?," RON JOHNSON. 155 00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:36,482 LAST WEEK, JOHNSON ACCUSED ANTHONY FAUCI OF OVERHYPING 156 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:39,552 COVID, AND CLAIMS IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME. 157 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:44,290 >> FAUCI DID THE EXACT SAME THING WITH AIDS. 158 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,124 HE OVERHYPED IT. 159 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,759 >> STEPHEN: (SARCASTICALLY) YES, AIDS. 160 00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:48,694 THE PANDEMIC THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FAMOUSLY TOOK TOO 161 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:52,531 SERIOUSLY. 162 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:55,468 WELL, IF AIDS WAS OVERHYPED, SENATOR JOHNSON, THEN I GUESS 163 00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:56,702 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PROTECTION WHEN YOU GO (BLEEP) 164 00:08:56,769 --> 00:09:00,706 YOURSELF. 165 00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:15,655 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 166 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:24,697 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 167 00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:28,267 CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, AND EVERYONE'S GETTING 168 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,368 INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. 169 00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:32,104 SPECIFICALLY, ONE SHERIFF'S OFFICE IN COLORADO WHO, ON 170 00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,473 FRIDAY, TWEETED THIS PHOTO WITH THE CAPTION 171 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,676 "GUESS WHO CAME IN TO RECEIVE HIS CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMIT 172 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:40,880 TODAY?" WITH A PICTURE OF ST. NICK. 173 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,849 WOW, SANTA IS TAKING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS 174 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:44,717 "VERY" SERIOUSLY. 175 00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:46,752 NOW SANTA WITH A GUN IS AN UPSETTING IDEA 176 00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:51,457 BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF. 177 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:55,094 SANTA IS JUST AN OLD LONER WHO LIVES OFF THE GRID, KEEPS LISTS 178 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,029 OF YOUR BAD DEEDS, KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, AND CAN GET INTO YOUR 179 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,700 HOUSE WITHOUT WAKING YOUR PARENTS UP. 180 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:04,670 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, HE MADE OUT WITH YOUR 181 00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:06,539 MOM. 182 00:10:06,605 --> 00:10:08,607 I SAW. 183 00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,142 SHE WAS INTO IT. 184 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:13,412 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH. 185 00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:14,480 YEAH. 186 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:20,586 GGOT HANDSY. 187 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:21,654 ( APPLAUSE ) THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE APPARENTLY 188 00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:24,223 HAD A GOOD REASON TO POST JOLLY OLD ST. GLOCK. 189 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,826 THEY WANTED TO ADVERTISE CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMITS. 190 00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:27,626 THAT'S FINE. 191 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:28,694 WE'LL JUST HAVE TO UPDATE THE POEM: 192 00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,830 "T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL 193 00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,698 THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT A CREATURE WAS 194 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:36,702 STIRRING... 195 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:40,573 BECAUSE SANTA'S ARMED! 196 00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:44,410 LEAVE THE COOKIES AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY!" 197 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:47,513 ( LAUGHTER ) HEY, WHO HERE LIKES THINGS 198 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:48,581 ( APPLAUSE ) WELL, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS: 199 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,715 WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THAT. 200 00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:53,219 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S CARGO UNCHAINED: 201 00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:57,757 >> "I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE." 202 00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:58,791 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: JUST IN CASE HAVING 203 00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,693 A KID DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC WASN'T CHALLENGING 204 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,530 ENOUGH, THIS FALL, PARENTS HAVE EXPERIENCED A DIAPER SHORTAGE. 205 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:07,233 BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE'S STILL A ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CHILDLESS 206 00:11:07,299 --> 00:11:10,469 FRIENDS TO SAY, "WHY NOT JUST SWITCH TO CLOTH DIAPERS? 207 00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:10,936 WANNA GO SEE A MOVIE? 208 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:15,508 OH, RIGHT." 209 00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:20,146 THIS SUPPLY-DEMAND ISSUE IS LEADING TO SKYROCKETING PRICES. 210 00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:22,348 PACKAGES OF DIAPERS THAT WERE 25 DOLLARS LAST YEAR ARE NOW 40 211 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:22,748 DOLLARS. 212 00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:28,187 THAT'S INSANE! 213 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,656 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE. 214 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,158 ( LAUGHTER ) A PACKAGE OF DIAPERS SHOULDN'T 215 00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,325 COST MORE THAN A TANK OF GAS. 216 00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:34,360 "TANK OF GAS," BY THE WAY, IS A GREAT NICKNAME FOR A BABY 217 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,962 WHO GOES THROUGH A LOT OF DIAPERS. 218 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,665 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST WHAT COMES OUT OF 219 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:40,766 BABIES THAT'S POSING A PROBLEM. 220 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:44,703 SO IS WHAT GOES IN. BECAUSE THERE'S ALSO A NATIONWIDE 221 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,772 BABY FORMULA SHORTAGE. 222 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:51,610 THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. 223 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:55,848 ALSO STRANGELY SINISTER. 224 00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:56,549 WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF.... 225 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:57,450 THE FORMULA. 226 00:11:57,516 --> 00:12:03,889 (CRACK OF THUNDER) YOU KNOW..THE FORMULA... 227 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:04,690 WE GIVE.. 228 00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:09,462 THE BABY. 229 00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:12,164 ( THUNDER ROLLS ) THIS FORMULA SHORTAGE IS TOUGH 230 00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,732 BECAUSE PARENTS CAN'T JUST SWITCH FROM ONE BRAND TO 231 00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,701 ANOTHER, SINCE SOME BABIES CAN DEVELOP AN INTOLERANCE TO 232 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:16,669 INGREDIENTS IN SPECIFIC BRANDS. 233 00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:17,803 IT'S TRUE. 234 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,673 THAT'S WHAT LED TO THE FAILURE OF MY BABY FORMULA BRAND: 235 00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:22,908 STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHELLFISH, EGG AND DAIRY FORMULA. 236 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:28,681 NOW WITH MORE PEANUT! 237 00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:32,351 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TOUGH ON PARENTS 238 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,753 BECAUSE, AS EXPERTS POINT OUT, UNLIKE TOILET PAPER WHICH WAS IN 239 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,490 SHORT SUPPLY EARLIER IN THE PANDEMIC, BABY GEAR IS UNIQUE 240 00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:40,693 BECAUSE IT CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL PURCHASE. 241 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:42,561 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. 242 00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:44,697 WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TOILET PAPER, IT'S AN EMOTIONAL 243 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,667 PURCHASE. 244 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:51,770 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 245 00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:52,438 YEAH. 246 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:52,805 YEAH. 247 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,340 RIGHT HERE. 248 00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:57,910 RIGHT HERE. 249 00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,111 NEXT UP, START HOARDING YOUR CREAM CHEESE, BECAUSE NEW YORK 250 00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:00,779 CITY IS FACING A "SCHMEAR SHORTAGE." 251 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:04,683 NO SCHMEAR?! 252 00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,986 HOLY SCHMIT! 253 00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,354 ( LAUGHTER ) NEW YORK CAN'T RUN OUT OF CREAM 254 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,588 CHEESE! 255 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:11,857 THAT'S LIKE PARIS RUNNING OUT OF CROISSANTS OR SEATTLE RUNNING 256 00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:16,495 OUT OF COFFEE OR LOS ANGELES RUNNING OUT OF 257 00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:17,363 HOT CHRISES. 258 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:20,699 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, HOT CHRIS WITH A SHMEAR? 259 00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:24,670 RIGHT OUT OF THE TOASTER? 260 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,204 AMAZING! 261 00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:27,940 OH, MMM! 262 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:28,674 MMM! 263 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:28,974 MMM! 264 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:36,682 AAAAHHH! 265 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:37,583 MUAH! 266 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,617 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME NEW YORK BAGEL SHOPS SAY 267 00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:39,752 THEY COULD RUN OUT OF CREAM CHEESE AS SOON AS THIS 268 00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:40,920 WEEK. 269 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,488 AS ONE BAGEL-PRENEUR PUT IT: >> "THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY 270 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:43,322 BAD." 271 00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,690 ALSO HOW I DESCRIBE A BLUEBERRY BAGEL. 272 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:50,329 JUST GET A (BLEEP)-ING MUFFIN! 273 00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,497 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 274 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,731 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 275 00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:57,136 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SHOULD ROBOTS BE ALLOWED TO DECIDE TO 276 00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:58,904 KILL US? 277 00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:00,206 THE QUESTION MAY SURPRISE YOU. 278 00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:37,142 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 279 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:37,943 ♪♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND 280 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,845 "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 281 00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,514 GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND! 282 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:45,284 GRMPTS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 283 00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:51,590 >> Jon: YES! 284 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:54,727 >> Stephen: JON, JUST A MINUTE. 285 00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:57,997 MOMENTS FROM NOW -- MOMENTS FROM NOW, JON -- 286 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,166 >> Jon: YES! 287 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,201 WOO-HOO-HOO! 288 00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:02,968 IS THAT IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO TO ONE OF THESE SHOWS. 289 00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,536 I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THAT LIGHTLY. 290 00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:08,140 IN A MOMENT I'LL HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO AN INCREDIBLY 291 00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:13,712 TALENTED ACTRESS, A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING, JENNIFER LAWRENCE 292 00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,881 WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. 293 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,017 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE, WE DRANK 294 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:18,751 A WHOLE LOT OF RUM. 295 00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:21,020 >> Jon: YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT. 296 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:24,123 >> Stephen: SHE WAS AT THE END OF A VERY LONG RUN TALKING ABOUT 297 00:15:24,189 --> 00:15:25,658 WHATEVER MOVIE SHE WAS DOING BACK THEN. 298 00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:27,059 I'M SURE I ENJOYED IT. 299 00:15:27,126 --> 00:15:30,729 AND SHE WAS A LITTLE TIRED, SO I SAID HOW ABOUT A SHOT? 300 00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:35,200 AND I THINK WE DRANK SO MUCH THAT I BELIEVE CBS MADE US TAKE 301 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,736 OUT SOME OF THE DRINKING WE DID. 302 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:41,006 IS THIS TRUE, THAT WE COULD DO -- HOW MANY SHOTS -- WE COULD 303 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:45,177 SHOW US DOING THREE SHOTS BUT NOT THE OTHER THREE. 304 00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,712 ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL HAVE SOME FOLLOW-UP 305 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:47,846 QUESTIONS FOR HER TONIGHT. 306 00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:48,947 >> OH, YEAH. 307 00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,083 >> Stephen: BECAUSE I THINK SHE WENT FROM HERE TO THE 308 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:54,720 PREMIERE, IS WHAT HAPPENED, SO THAT SHOULD BE FUN. 309 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:58,724 FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW, I'M A MAJOR TECH HEAD. 310 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:02,161 I DON'T WANNA BRAG, BUT ON MY PHONE, I HAVE AN APP WHERE MY 311 00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:06,732 PHONE CAN BE USED AS A PHONE. 312 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,167 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S WHY I AM JUST THE 313 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,703 PERSON TO KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THE LATEST IN TECH IN MY LONG 314 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:25,651 RUNNING SEGMENT: ( APPLAUSE ) 315 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:30,723 RUNNING SEGMENT: ( APPLAUSE ) 316 00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:32,458 FIRST UP "THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT IS 317 00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,426 PUSHING FOR AN INTERNATIONAL BAN ON 'KILLER 318 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,594 ROBOTS'." 319 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:38,697 THAT'S GREAT. BUT ALSO WEIRD THAT SOMEONE HAS TO SAY "HEY, 320 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:42,701 MAYBE NO KILLER ROBOTS?" AND IT'S A COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T 321 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:46,271 HAVE ANY KILLER ROBOTS THAT'S SAYING IT, AND THAT THEM SAYING 322 00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,407 "MAYBE NO KILLER ROBOTS?" IS NEWS. 323 00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:50,309 WHAT THE KIWIS ARE AGAINST IS AUTONOMOUS WEAPONS IN THE 324 00:16:50,376 --> 00:16:51,343 BATTLEFIELD. 325 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,979 AS ONE MEMBER OF THE NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT PUT IT: 326 00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:55,581 >> "THE PROSPECT OF A FUTURE WHERE THE DECISION 327 00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:58,150 TO TAKE A HUMAN LIFE IS DELEGATED TO 328 00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:00,018 MACHINES IS ABHORRENT AND INCONSISTENT WITH 329 00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:02,721 NEW ZEALAND'S INTERESTS AND VALUES." 330 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,790 >> STEPHEN: YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY? 331 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:09,695 YOU'RE BEING LECTURED ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFE BY PEOPLE 332 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,296 WHO SEE A BRIDGE AND GO: "HEY, WHAT SAY I PUSH YOU OFF 333 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:14,700 THAT WITH A RUBBER BAND TIED TO YOUR FOOT?" 334 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,569 ( LAUGHTER ) SO, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: "WAIT A 335 00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:18,404 MINUTE, NEW ZEALAND. 336 00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:21,440 IS EVERYONE ELSE 'PRO'-KILLER ROBOT?" 337 00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:24,810 AND NEW ZEALAND IS LIKE "NO, BUT 'YOU' ARE," BECAUSE THE U.S. 338 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,146 JUST REJECTED CALLS FOR REGULATING OR BANNING 'KILLER 339 00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:30,716 ROBOTS.' OF COURSE WE DID! 340 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,751 NEW ZEALAND IS THE NEIGHBOR WITH NO MOTORCYCLE GOING "HEY 341 00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,820 SHOULD WE MAYBE REGULATE HOW LOUD MOTORCYCLES ARE?" 342 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,089 AND WE'RE GOING (REVVING MOTORCYCLE) 343 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,124 "RNNNHH! CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M WORKIN' ON MAKING THIS THING 344 00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:44,296 LOUDER AND DRIVING ITSELF AND KILLING PEOPLE." 345 00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:45,631 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M GUESSING THE U.S. 346 00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:46,965 DOESN'T WANT TO BAN KILLER ROBOTS, BECAUSE THANKS TO OUR 347 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:52,571 MILITARY, "ROBOT DOGS NOW HAVE SNIPER RIFLES. " 348 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:55,140 IT'S JUST LIKE A REGULAR DOG, ONLY IF THIS ONE GETS SPOOKED BY 349 00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:58,710 THUNDER, IT MURDERS EVERYONE. 350 00:17:58,777 --> 00:17:59,878 ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THAT. 351 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:06,685 THE LITTLE GUN ON TOP MAKES IT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE DOG HEAD. 352 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,121 LIKEOING TO HEAD WITH A LONG GOOFY NOSE. 353 00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:17,896 BUT THE NOSE IS WHERE THE MURDER COMES OUT. 354 00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:18,764 "WHO'S A KILLER? 355 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:22,701 YOU ARE!" THIS FULLY-ARMED FIDO CARRIES 356 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,705 SOMETHING CALLED A "SPECIAL PURPOSE UNMANNED RIFLE, 357 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,875 OR 'SPUR.'" AND THEY BRAG "THE SPUR CAN OPERATE IN A 358 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,579 MAGNITUDE OF CONDITIONS, BOTH DAY AND NIGHT." 359 00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:36,148 AREN'T "ALL" GUNS SUPPOSED TO WORK AT ANY HOUR? 360 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,717 WHO'S GOING "CALL OFF THE INVASION! 361 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:44,323 I ONLY BROUGHT MY DAY GUN!" ( LAUGHTER ) 362 00:18:44,389 --> 00:18:46,725 BUT IF CLIFFORD THE BIG GREY CANNON ISN'T ENOUGH 363 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,794 "THE US ARMY IS ALSO PLANNING A HUGE EXPERIMENT WITH ROBOT 364 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,729 TANKS." 365 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,065 AND IF MY SCIENCE FICTION NOVELS HAVE TAUGHT ME ANYTHING 366 00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:54,700 ROBOT TANKS WILL SOON BE PLANNING A HUGE EXPERIMENT ON 367 00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,269 THE U.S. ARMY. 368 00:18:57,336 --> 00:19:00,372 ANYWAY, EVEN IF THEY DO DEPLOY AUTONOMOUS KILLING MACHINES, AT 369 00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,708 LEAST HUMANS WILL ALWAYS CONTROL HOW MANY OF THEM THERE ARE... 370 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:06,745 AND I'M BEING TOLD THE WORLD'S FIRST LIVING ROBOTS 371 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,013 CAN NOW REPRODUCE. 372 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,116 I DON'T KNOW IF ROBOTS ARE READY FOR THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY. 373 00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:15,988 MAYBE THEY SHOULD FIRST JUST GET ONE OF THOSE GUN-HEADED DOGS. 374 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:17,556 TO MAKE THE REPRODUCING ROBOTS RESEARCHERS, USING A.I. AND A 375 00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:22,728 SUPERCOMPUTER "TOOK STEM CELLS FROM AFRICAN 376 00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:26,698 CLAWED FROG EMBRYOS AND FORMED THEM INTO TINY LIVING CREATURES 377 00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:30,135 CALLED XENOBOTS, WHICH WERE ABLE TO MOVE ON THEIR OWN, 378 00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:33,505 COMMUNICATE AMONGST EACH OTHER AND HEAL THEMSELVES FROM AN 379 00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:36,808 INJURY, MAKING THEM THE FIRST-EVER LIVING ROBOTS." 380 00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:39,144 WHICH IS WHEN RESEARCHERS BULLDOZED THE LAB, DROPPED FLASH 381 00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:42,714 GRENADES INTO THE RUBBLE AND WENT BACK TO THEIR FIRST 382 00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:43,882 LOVE: STAND UP COMEDY. 383 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:46,718 WHAT'S THAT? NO? THEY KEPT GOING? 384 00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:47,886 SWEET. 385 00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,054 THEN "THE XENOBOTS WOULD MOVE AROUND THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND 386 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,722 FIND SINGLE CELLS. 387 00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:53,392 THEY WOULD GATHER HUNDREDS OF THESE CELLS AT ONCE AND THEN 388 00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:57,429 ASSEMBLE AN OFFSPRING INSIDE THEIR MOUTH. 389 00:19:57,496 --> 00:20:00,232 A FEW DAYS LATER, THE OFFSPRING BECAME A NEW XENOBOT." 390 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:02,701 AND THAT'S WHEN RESEARCHERS DOUSED THE BUILDING IN JET FUEL, 391 00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,903 WALKED AWAY FROM THE SMOKING RUINS, AND TOOK UP SELLING 392 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,738 DRIFTWOOD SCULPTURES ON THE BEACH-- 393 00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:07,539 NO? 394 00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:08,974 STILL MAKING 'EM PUKE ROBOT BABIES? 395 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,077 SUPER DUPE. 396 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:22,721 AS ONE OF THE EXPERTS WORKING ON THE PROJECT, JOSH BONGARD PUT IT 397 00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,823 "WE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT WALK. 398 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:25,857 WE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT SWIM. 399 00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:29,895 AND NOW, IN THIS STUDY, WE'VE FOUND XENOBOTS THAT 400 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:30,963 KINEMATICALLY REPLICATE. 401 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:34,900 WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE?" A BEACH, A POCKET KNIFE, AND 402 00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:35,534 YOUR IMAGINATION. 403 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:36,668 PLEASE, JUST THINK ABOUT IT. 404 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:40,372 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 405 00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:07,299 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 406 00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,602 WELCOME BACK. 407 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:14,106 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY 408 00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:16,775 AWARD WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM, "THE HUNGER GAMES," 409 00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,911 "SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK," AND "X-MEN FIRST CLASS." 410 00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:22,614 SHE NOW STARS IN, "DON'T LOOK UP." 411 00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:26,618 >> WE HAVE PRECISELY SIX MONTHS, TEN DAYS, TWO HOURS, ELEVEN 412 00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:39,865 MINUTES AND 41 SECONDS UNTIL A COMET TWICE THE SIZE CHECKS LUBE 413 00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:41,933 MAKES US EXTINCT ON EARTH. 414 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,671 >> WHEN DID YOU DO THOSE CALCULATIONS. 415 00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:48,040 >> ON A DIET IMPACT. 416 00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:49,174 I'M SCARED. 417 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:50,609 >> HEY, COME ON, COME ON. 418 00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:53,178 EVERYONE SHOULD BE PANICKING RIGHT NOW. 419 00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:53,712 DON'T CRY. 420 00:21:53,779 --> 00:21:54,613 COME ON. 421 00:21:54,680 --> 00:22:02,621 >> I KNOW. 422 00:22:02,688 --> 00:22:07,759 ( PHONE DINGS ) >> WHAT HAPPENED? 423 00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:13,532 PLUS MY BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH ME. 424 00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,599 >> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW 425 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:18,437 JENNIFER LAWRENCE! 426 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:33,385 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 427 00:22:33,452 --> 00:22:43,895 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 428 00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:46,598 >> Stephen: SO... 429 00:22:46,665 --> 00:22:48,500 HOW YOU BEEN? 430 00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:49,501 ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S NEW? 431 00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:52,437 WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? 432 00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:53,672 >> NOTHING. 433 00:22:53,739 --> 00:22:55,807 >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, AS I WAS TALKING, WE 434 00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:58,610 DID SIX SHOTS OF RUM. 435 00:22:58,677 --> 00:22:59,711 >> WHOO! 436 00:22:59,778 --> 00:23:01,279 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO 437 00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:02,447 DO THAT THIS TIME. 438 00:23:02,514 --> 00:23:03,482 >> PLEASE, NO. 439 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:07,252 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I HAVE TO GO TO A PREMAIR 440 00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:08,420 AFTER THAT. 441 00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:10,422 >> Stephen: YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO A PREMIERE OF YOUR MOVIE 442 00:23:10,489 --> 00:23:11,523 AFTER THAT. 443 00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:12,724 DID IT SHOW? 444 00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:18,597 >> UM -- WELL, I TRIED TO OVERDO IT AND WAS LIKE, DON'T LOOK 445 00:23:18,663 --> 00:23:21,099 DRUNK, THIS IS ME SOBER! 446 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:21,833 I'M NOT SLURRING! 447 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,935 MY EYEBROWS ARE NOT SLURRING. 448 00:23:24,002 --> 00:23:26,705 >> Stephen: YOUR EYEBROWS WERE SLURRING? 449 00:23:26,772 --> 00:23:30,609 THAT'S HOW DRUNK YOU WERE? 450 00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:34,980 YOUR EYEBROWS HAD A SPEECH IMPED MEANT? 451 00:23:35,046 --> 00:23:37,816 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH. 452 00:23:37,883 --> 00:23:40,819 >> Stephen: IN 2013, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO TAKE A 453 00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,855 BREAK FROM THE SPOTLIGHT AND ACTING. 454 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:47,893 I GUESS YOU HADN'T MADE THE DECISION TO DO SO YET BECAUSE 455 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:51,730 YOU WERE SORT OF SAYING, OH, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT, THEN 456 00:23:51,797 --> 00:23:55,700 I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ALL THE RUM WE DRANK AND YOU SAID I'VE GOT 457 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:58,603 TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT YOU ACTUALLY DID IT. 458 00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,305 WHAT DID YOU DO? 459 00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:01,406 DID YOU HAVE FUN? 460 00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:04,676 WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS? 461 00:24:04,743 --> 00:24:07,779 >> I JUST HAD A TON OF SEX. 462 00:24:07,846 --> 00:24:10,448 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU. 463 00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:14,619 GOOD FOR YOU! 464 00:24:14,686 --> 00:24:18,056 ( APPLAUSE ) >> I'M JOKING. 465 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:18,523 UM... 466 00:24:18,590 --> 00:24:20,692 I COOKED A LITTLE. 467 00:24:20,759 --> 00:24:24,563 I MEAN, THE PANDEMIC HAPPENED, THEN I COOKED AND I CLEANED A 468 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:25,697 LOT. 469 00:24:25,764 --> 00:24:28,300 >> Stephen: YOU PICKED A GOOD TIME TO TAKE THE TIME OFF. 470 00:24:28,366 --> 00:24:30,068 YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE PANDEMIC WAS COMING. 471 00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,737 >> I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, I'M READY! 472 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:36,107 AND IT ENDED UP BEING FOUR YEARS. 473 00:24:36,174 --> 00:24:39,044 THE MATH MIGHT BE NOT RIGHT ON THAT. 474 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:48,053 >> Stephen: IF YOU DIDN'T DO THIS, IF YOU WEREN'T AN RK AN , 475 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:51,656 IF YOU HAD TAKEN A PERMANENT BREAK AND NEVER COME BACK FROM 476 00:24:51,723 --> 00:24:54,593 THAT, WHAT'S THE BACKUP PLAN FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE? 477 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:58,296 >> I THINK I WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD HOUSEKEEPER. 478 00:24:58,363 --> 00:24:59,397 >> Stephen: REALLY? 479 00:24:59,464 --> 00:25:02,601 I MAKE A MESS, BUT I'M REALLY GOOD AT CLEANING IT UP. 480 00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:03,735 I CAN ATTACK A MESS. 481 00:25:03,802 --> 00:25:08,773 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE, LIKE -- IS IT KITCHENS, 482 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:09,274 BATHROOMS? 483 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,443 WHAT ARE WE TALKING? 484 00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:12,310 >> KITCHENS, BATHROOMS. 485 00:25:12,377 --> 00:25:17,515 MOST OF THE TIME THE KITCHEN IS MORE -- 486 00:25:17,582 --> 00:25:18,884 >> Stephen: I FIND IT SOOTHING. 487 00:25:18,950 --> 00:25:22,220 >> I LISTEN TO MY MURDER PODCAST. 488 00:25:22,287 --> 00:25:25,357 >> Stephen: YOU LISTEN TO THAT, AAAHHH! 489 00:25:25,423 --> 00:25:25,891 AAAHHH! 490 00:25:25,957 --> 00:25:26,391 AAAHHH! 491 00:25:26,458 --> 00:25:28,793 WHAT'S THAT, HONEY? 492 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,497 IT'S VERY SOOTHING AND MEDDATIVE, JUST CLEAN THIS SPOT 493 00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:34,799 AND THAT SPOT AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW -- 494 00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:40,205 >> YOU NEED TO HAVE A GAME PLAN LIKE A HOUSEKEEPER. 495 00:25:40,272 --> 00:25:43,575 >> Stephen: I START WITH THE SOCK DRAWER, MATCHING THE SOCKS, 496 00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:47,712 THEN IT'S LIKE MATCHING THE PARTS OF MY BRAIN THAT ARE ALL 497 00:25:47,779 --> 00:25:52,284 SCRAMBLED UP AND I'M REALLY CLEANING ME. 498 00:25:52,350 --> 00:25:54,386 >> ORGANIZING Y YOURSELF. 499 00:25:54,452 --> 00:25:57,422 >> Stephen: DEEP. 500 00:25:57,489 --> 00:25:59,391 WINTERS BONE, YOU'RE 19. 501 00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:03,662 THEN YOU WORKED CONSTANTLY, INCLUDING WINNING AN OSCAR IN 502 00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:06,231 THERE, FOR TEN YEARS, AND THEN AFTER TEN YEARS, YOU SAID, I 503 00:26:06,298 --> 00:26:07,899 WANT TO STEP BACK. 504 00:26:07,966 --> 00:26:10,802 WHAT DID YOU LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF STEPPING BACK? 505 00:26:10,869 --> 00:26:13,171 >> WHAT DID I LEARN ABOUT MYSELF? 506 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:16,441 >> Stephen: TO TAKE TIME AND SAY I'M NOT GOING TO BE A PUBLIC 507 00:26:16,508 --> 00:26:19,744 FIGURE AFTER BEING SO SUCCESSFUL. 508 00:26:19,811 --> 00:26:22,514 >> WHAT I LEARNED IS SO DEEP AND PROFOUND -- 509 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:24,849 >> Stephen: THAT YOU WON'T WANT TO TELL ME? 510 00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:26,918 >> I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU. 511 00:26:26,985 --> 00:26:28,086 >> Stephen: OH, NO. 512 00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:31,056 I ALWAYS FOUND COMFORT IN A SCHEDULE AND DOING SOMETHING, 513 00:26:31,122 --> 00:26:31,489 YOU KNOW. 514 00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,691 >> Stephen: YEP. 515 00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:35,427 AND BEING SOMEWHERE, AND JUST KIND OF THE COMFORT OF BEING, 516 00:26:35,493 --> 00:26:39,998 YOU KNOW, ON SET WHERE THE WORLD IS ONE THING AND VERY ORGANIZED, 517 00:26:40,065 --> 00:26:43,868 YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOT, LIKE, PEOPLE SCREAMING, AND I THINK 518 00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:46,071 COMING OUT OF HUNGER GAMES AND ALL OF THAT, IT WAS NICE. 519 00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:53,378 I TOOK A BREAK AND NOBODY REALLY CARED AND IT WAS QUIET AND I GOT 520 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:58,616 TO, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, KIND OF FEEL LIKE I COULD BECOME PART OF 521 00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:06,858 THE WORLD AGAIN WITHOUT -- YEAH, WITHOUT F FANFARE, LITERAL 522 00:27:06,925 --> 00:27:07,459 FANFARE. 523 00:27:07,525 --> 00:27:09,027 >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 524 00:27:09,094 --> 00:27:12,664 THE WORLD HAS GOTTEN CRAZIER OVER THE LAST FEW YOU STEPPED 525 00:27:12,731 --> 00:27:15,133 AWAY, YOU ALLOWED YOURSELF TO GET QUIETER. 526 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,167 >> YEAH. 527 00:27:16,234 --> 00:27:19,037 >> Stephen: WHICH IS AN INTERESTING JUXTAPOSITION 528 00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:20,138 BETWEEN YOU AND THE WORLD. 529 00:27:20,205 --> 00:27:22,807 >> YEAH, THE WORLD SHOULD TAKE A BREAK. 530 00:27:22,874 --> 00:27:27,078 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. 531 00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:28,980 BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY. 532 00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:43,561 >> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY! 533 00:27:43,628 --> 00:27:47,265 WE'RE BACK WITH THE WONDERFUL JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 534 00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:51,970 I "DON'T LOOK UP" YOU LIE PLAY A SCIENTIST THAT DISCOVERS A 535 00:27:52,037 --> 00:27:54,406 POTENTIALLY EARTH-DESTROYING COMET, HA, HA, HA. 536 00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:55,540 >> HA, HA, HA. 537 00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:59,477 >> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD TO DO IT IN A STRICT 538 00:27:59,544 --> 00:28:00,612 COVID BUBBLE. 539 00:28:00,678 --> 00:28:05,283 HOW STRANGE WAS IT TO BE STUCK IN A BUBBLE WITH LEONARDO 540 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:10,755 DICAPRIO AND MERYL STREEP AND TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET AND LAWRENCE. 541 00:28:10,822 --> 00:28:11,823 >> IT WAS KIND OF COOL. 542 00:28:11,890 --> 00:28:13,691 WE ALL HAD TO SHARE A BATHROOM. 543 00:28:13,758 --> 00:28:16,327 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 544 00:28:16,394 --> 00:28:17,529 WE HAD TO SHARE A BATHROOM. 545 00:28:17,595 --> 00:28:21,099 >> Stephen: SO WE KNOW YOU ALL ARE FINE AND NO ONE ELSE COULD 546 00:28:21,166 --> 00:28:22,167 COME INTO YOUR ZONE. 547 00:28:22,233 --> 00:28:26,738 >> YEAH, AND I LOST A TOOTH, LIKE, PRETTY SOON -- 548 00:28:26,805 --> 00:28:29,841 >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU LOSE A TOOTH? 549 00:28:29,908 --> 00:28:31,476 >> IT WAS REALLY STUPID. 550 00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,978 IT WAS A VENEER. 551 00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:37,415 IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT'S UNDERNEATH A VENEERETH MUCH 552 00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:38,083 WORSE. 553 00:28:38,149 --> 00:28:38,583 >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A FANG. 554 00:28:38,650 --> 00:28:39,818 YEAH. 555 00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:41,753 I LOST THAT AND I COULDN'T GO TO THE DENTIST BECAUSE OF COVID. 556 00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:46,324 >> Stephen: THEY COULDN'T EVEN BRING IN A VACCINATED -- 557 00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:47,992 >> WE DIDN'T EVEN DISCUSS IT. 558 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,996 I SAID, IT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST DO IT LIKE THIS. 559 00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:53,932 >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A LITTLE WHISTLE? 560 00:28:53,998 --> 00:28:55,500 >> OH, YEAH, OF COURSE! 561 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,570 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I JUST ROAD OVER 562 00:28:58,636 --> 00:28:59,504 YOU. 563 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:03,274 DID YOU SAY THEY C.G.I.'D A TOOTH ON TO YOU? 564 00:29:03,341 --> 00:29:04,742 >> WELL, THANK GOD, YEAH. 565 00:29:04,809 --> 00:29:07,479 >> Stephen: THEY WE WANT THROUGH FRAME BY FRAME AND PUT A 566 00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,280 TOOTH IN YOUR MOUTH? 567 00:29:09,347 --> 00:29:09,948 >> YEAH. 568 00:29:10,014 --> 00:29:12,984 THANK GOD FOR NETFLIX' MONEY. 569 00:29:13,051 --> 00:29:15,353 >> Stephen: THAT'S SOME LONG GREEN. 570 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:15,787 >> YEAH. 571 00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:16,387 >> Stephen: WOW. 572 00:29:16,454 --> 00:29:17,455 YEAH. 573 00:29:17,522 --> 00:29:19,424 >> Stephen: NOW, HOW LONG BEFORE YOU HAD IT ACTUALLY 574 00:29:19,491 --> 00:29:20,625 FIXED? 575 00:29:20,692 --> 00:29:23,027 >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE, WHEN I FINISHED, I WAS SO USED 576 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:26,965 TO IT AND IT WAS STILL COVID THAT I WASN'T IN A BIG HURRY TO 577 00:29:27,031 --> 00:29:28,133 GET IT FIXED. 578 00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:34,672 >> Stephen: I BET YOU COULD MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH A STAKE. 579 00:29:34,739 --> 00:29:35,773 ARRRR! 580 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:38,877 >> YEAH, BUT NOT SUCKERS. 581 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:40,912 >> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU ALREADY KNOW? 582 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:42,013 MERLE AND LEO? 583 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,215 DO YOU STILL GET STAR STRUCK? 584 00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,651 HOW ABOUT THAT? 585 00:29:46,718 --> 00:29:47,352 >> OH, MY GOD YES. 586 00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:48,319 >> Stephen: REALLY? 587 00:29:48,386 --> 00:29:51,823 BECAUSE YOU'RE AN OSCAR WINNER. 588 00:29:51,890 --> 00:29:54,492 >> I FELT LIKE GARBAGE EVERY DAY ON THAT SET. 589 00:29:54,559 --> 00:29:58,763 I WAS, LIKE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO 590 00:29:58,830 --> 00:29:59,797 ME. 591 00:29:59,864 --> 00:30:07,105 TIS HAPPENED TODAY, WE OFFHANDEDLY CALLED MERLE THE 592 00:30:07,172 --> 00:30:13,278 GOAT, AND WE WERE DOING THE A PHOTOSHOOT AND I SAID GOAT, AND 593 00:30:13,344 --> 00:30:24,455 ME --AND MERYL SAID, YEAH, JUSTL THE GOAT WHERE TO GO. 594 00:30:24,522 --> 00:30:28,760 AND I SAID, YOU KNOW GOAT MEANS GREATEST OF ALL TIME, AND SHE 595 00:30:28,826 --> 00:30:29,727 SAID, OH! 596 00:30:29,794 --> 00:30:33,264 I SAID, WE HAVEN'T JUST BEEN CALLING YOU GOAT. 597 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:38,570 AND SHE THOUGHT, OH, I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, AN OLD 598 00:30:38,636 --> 00:30:39,237 GOAT. 599 00:30:39,304 --> 00:30:40,171 >> Stephen: SHE TOOK IT WELL. 600 00:30:40,238 --> 00:30:42,707 BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY. 601 00:31:07,932 --> 00:31:08,633 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 602 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,669 WE'RE BACK WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 603 00:31:11,736 --> 00:31:16,774 WHAT'S MARK WILENS LIKE OFF CAMERA BECAUSE I CAN'T GET A 604 00:31:16,841 --> 00:31:17,642 READ ON THAT GUY. 605 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:26,784 HE'S SUCH A BRILLIANT ACTOR. 606 00:31:26,851 --> 00:31:32,523 >> IT'S AMAZING TO BE WORKING WITH AN ACTOR THAT SCARES MERYL 607 00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:33,491 AND LEO. 608 00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,593 HE WAS A LITTLE IN CHARACTER OR JUST FOCUSED. 609 00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:37,462 I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T PUSH. 610 00:31:37,528 --> 00:31:38,129 WHAT'S GOING ON? 611 00:31:38,196 --> 00:31:39,764 >> Stephen: HE'S BRITISH. 612 00:31:39,831 --> 00:31:40,898 YEAH. 613 00:31:40,965 --> 00:31:42,133 >> Stephen: IT'S VERY HARD TO TELL WHEN THEY'RE ACTING. 614 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:48,506 >> I WAS, LIKE, HI, I'M JEN. 615 00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:55,046 VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ON THE SET. 616 00:31:55,113 --> 00:32:04,656 AND JONAH SAID, YOUTH ISSEPD OFF MARK AND I SAID, SHOULD I SAY 617 00:32:04,722 --> 00:32:05,490 SOMETHING? 618 00:32:05,556 --> 00:32:06,891 HE SAID, YES, YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING. 619 00:32:06,958 --> 00:32:10,862 HE STOPPED ME JUST IN TIME BEFORE I SAID ANYMORE. 620 00:32:10,928 --> 00:32:14,332 >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU IMAGINE YOU OFFENDED HIM? 621 00:32:14,399 --> 00:32:16,668 >> I DIDN'T QUESTION IT LIKE I DIDN'T QUESTION THE TOOTH. 622 00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:19,504 I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS WHAT IT IS, EVERYONE'S MAD AT ME. 623 00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:21,572 >> Stephen: THERE'S A SCENE IN THE FILM. 624 00:32:21,639 --> 00:32:23,708 LET ME GET THIS RIGHT. 625 00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:28,846 IT'S YOU, LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET, IS IT 626 00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:31,449 COMPLETELY TO HAVE THE THREE OF YOU IN ONE VEHICLE? 627 00:32:31,516 --> 00:32:33,885 IS IT LIKE THE PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT AND SPEAKER OF 628 00:32:33,951 --> 00:32:36,854 THE HOUSE, ONE OF YOU HAS TO BE THE DESIGNATED SURVIVOR? 629 00:32:36,921 --> 00:32:39,857 >> IT WAS THE MOST ANNOYING DAY IN MY LIFE. 630 00:32:39,924 --> 00:32:41,359 >> Stephen: THEY'RE ANNOYING? 631 00:32:41,426 --> 00:32:43,461 THEY DROVE ME CRAZY THAT DAY. 632 00:32:43,528 --> 00:32:44,462 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. 633 00:32:44,529 --> 00:32:46,531 TIMOTHY WAS JUST EXCITED TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE. 634 00:32:46,597 --> 00:32:49,634 I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, HIS FIRST SCENE. 635 00:32:49,701 --> 00:32:53,338 AND LEO PICKED THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING IN THE CAR AND WAS JUST, 636 00:32:53,404 --> 00:32:57,108 LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS SONG WAS ABOUT, YOU KNOW, BLAH, BLAH, 637 00:32:57,175 --> 00:32:58,810 BLAH -- >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE 638 00:32:58,876 --> 00:32:59,844 HIM. 639 00:32:59,911 --> 00:33:06,751 THAT IS AN UNCANNY IMPRESSION OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO. 640 00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:09,020 >> I JUST REMEMBER BEING IN ABSOLUTE MISERY THAT DAY. 641 00:33:09,087 --> 00:33:11,656 >> Stephen: SO BEING WITH THOSE TWO GUYS IS AWFUL. 642 00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:13,091 >> IT WAS HELL. 643 00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:14,392 TIMOTHY, I WAS SO EXCITED. 644 00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:16,294 HE'S SUCH A TALENTED ACTOR. 645 00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:21,432 BUT IN A TWO SHOT, I'M, LIKE, I'M 31, I MEAN, I WASN'T THIS 646 00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:24,769 FAT, BUT I'M FAT THAN TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET. 647 00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:25,570 THAT WAS HARROWING. 648 00:33:25,636 --> 00:33:28,740 >> Stephen: SURE, THE BONE STRUCTURE. 649 00:33:28,806 --> 00:33:29,540 >> YEAH. 650 00:33:29,607 --> 00:33:30,641 >> Stephen: THE BONE STRUCTURE ALONE. 651 00:33:30,708 --> 00:33:36,481 >> US IN THE TWO SHOTS, OOOH, WHO'S THAT, YOUR COACH? 652 00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:37,582 ( LAUGHTER ) DISPRNCHES. 653 00:33:37,648 --> 00:33:43,354 >> Stephen: UM, THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP, NEWS FLASH. 654 00:33:43,421 --> 00:33:44,555 >> UH-HUH. 655 00:33:44,622 --> 00:33:47,091 >> Stephen: ARE THERE LAWRENCE FAMILY TRADITIONS THAT YOU -- 656 00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:51,095 ESPECIALLY NOW THAT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU 657 00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:54,098 MIGHT BE CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS WITH IN THE NEAR FUTURE THAT YOU 658 00:33:54,165 --> 00:33:56,000 WOULD WANT TO SHARE WITH US? 659 00:33:56,067 --> 00:33:59,804 >> I MEAN, WE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE ANY TRADITIONS GROWING UP IS 660 00:33:59,871 --> 00:34:02,840 THAT YOU HAVE NO CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS. 661 00:34:02,907 --> 00:34:03,307 DO YOU HAVE A TREE? 662 00:34:03,374 --> 00:34:04,409 >> YEAH, THE TREE. 663 00:34:04,475 --> 00:34:07,311 YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY ANNOYING GROWING UP, WE WOULD 664 00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:11,082 WAKE UP AND BE LIKE, IT'S CHRISTMAS! 665 00:34:11,149 --> 00:34:13,484 BUT MY PARENTS DIDN'T SET UP THE NIGHT BEFORE. 666 00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:14,819 >> Stephen: WHAT? 667 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,889 OMETIMES, I THINK LIKE IF THEY HAD A LATE NIGHT, THEY 668 00:34:17,955 --> 00:34:21,893 WOULD BE, LIKE, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE SANTA GOT EVERYTHING, AND 669 00:34:21,959 --> 00:34:25,463 WE WOULD BE SITTING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS GOING -- COME ON! 670 00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:29,233 >> Stephen: SANTA CAME WHENEVER MOM AND DAD WOKE UP? 671 00:34:29,300 --> 00:34:29,834 >> YEAH. 672 00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,503 >> Stephen: I ADMIRE THAT. 673 00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:34,038 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I INHALE ALL THE HARRY 674 00:34:34,105 --> 00:34:36,808 POTTERS THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. 675 00:34:36,874 --> 00:34:37,475 IT'S HARRY POTTER TIME. 676 00:34:37,542 --> 00:34:38,409 >> Stephen: THAT MAKES SENSE. 677 00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:41,446 I THINK THE FIRST ONE WAS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. 678 00:34:41,512 --> 00:34:44,715 >> THEY MAKE THEM ALL PRETTY CHRISTMASSY. 679 00:34:44,782 --> 00:34:48,953 >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT "LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES, EVER SEEN 680 00:34:49,020 --> 00:34:49,387 THOSE. 681 00:34:49,454 --> 00:34:50,488 >> I LIKE THOSE. 682 00:34:50,555 --> 00:34:56,494 THEY'RE ALL THE SAME MOVIE, IN MY MIND. 683 00:34:56,561 --> 00:35:00,498 ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 684 00:35:00,565 --> 00:35:02,133 OH... 685 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:02,900 OH... 686 00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:03,968 YOU'RE GOING TO GET FURTHER AWAY! 687 00:35:04,035 --> 00:35:05,036 >> Stephen: NO, THAT'S FINE. 688 00:35:05,102 --> 00:35:06,037 THAT'S FINE. 689 00:35:06,103 --> 00:35:08,506 SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE ALL THE SAME MOVIE? 690 00:35:08,573 --> 00:35:12,243 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I JUST CAN'T -- I -- I -- I 691 00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:16,514 LOVE THEM, I LOVE WATCHING THEM, BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY TELL YOU 692 00:35:16,581 --> 00:35:17,982 WHAT HAPPENED IN WHICH. 693 00:35:18,049 --> 00:35:20,485 >> Stephen: THERE'S A RING, THEY WANT TO GET RID OF THE 694 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:22,987 RING, THEY EVENTUALLY DO. 695 00:35:23,054 --> 00:35:23,988 >> THE ELEPHANTS. 696 00:35:24,055 --> 00:35:26,257 >> Stephen: THERE'S A RING AND THERE'S ELEPHANTS. 697 00:35:26,324 --> 00:35:27,058 >> YEAH. 698 00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:27,992 >> Stephen: THAT'S A BIT OF A JUMP. 699 00:35:28,059 --> 00:35:32,530 THAT'S ABOUT A NINE-HOUR JUMP RIGHT THERE. 700 00:35:32,597 --> 00:35:34,298 >> I DIDN'T KNOW. 701 00:35:34,365 --> 00:35:39,637 I WOULDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS IN THE FIRST MOVIE. 702 00:35:39,704 --> 00:35:40,738 BILBO. 703 00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:44,375 >> Stephen: BILBO IS A CHARACTER IN THE HOBBIT, HE IS. 704 00:35:44,442 --> 00:35:44,709 THANK YOU. 705 00:35:44,775 --> 00:35:45,610 >> SORRY. 706 00:35:45,676 --> 00:35:48,012 >> Stephen: NO, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME. 707 00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:50,448 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CARING AT ALL. 708 00:35:50,515 --> 00:35:56,487 THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, SO WE DOT YOU SOMETHING. 709 00:35:56,554 --> 00:35:59,690 THIS IS A LITTLE PRESENT -- >> I'M NOT GOING TO FIT IN THAT. 710 00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:02,727 >> Stephen: YOU COULD TRY. 711 00:36:02,793 --> 00:36:03,728 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 712 00:36:03,794 --> 00:36:05,763 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU COULD TRY. 713 00:36:05,830 --> 00:36:11,402 .JENNIFER, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 714 00:36:11,469 --> 00:36:14,005 >> THANK YOU. 715 00:36:14,071 --> 00:36:15,239 >> STEPHEN: "DON'T LOOK UP" IS IN SELECT THEATERS THIS 716 00:36:15,306 --> 00:36:16,140 FRIDAY AND AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX STARTING CHRISTMAS EVE. 717 00:36:16,207 --> 00:36:17,275 JENNIFER LAWRENCE, EVERYBODY! 718 00:36:17,341 --> 00:36:19,744 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY NATHANIEL 719 00:36:19,810 --> 00:36:21,679 RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS. 720 00:36:33,291 --> 00:36:35,493 >> STEPHEN: PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM THEIR ALBUM "THE 721 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,396 FUTURE," NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS! 722 00:36:38,462 --> 00:36:40,298 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 723 00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:41,465 ♪♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 724 00:36:44,168 --> 00:36:50,408 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 725 00:36:50,474 --> 00:36:56,113 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IS THE FUTURE OPEN? 726 00:36:56,180 --> 00:37:00,084 IS THE FUTURE SEEN? 727 00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:04,088 ♪ YOU'D HAVE TO PRAY FOREVER AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE 728 00:37:04,155 --> 00:37:12,096 ♪ THEY'LL COME DOWN ON YOU FROM THE LONGEST FALL 729 00:37:12,163 --> 00:37:20,071 ♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY'VE ALL BEEN VANQUISHED 730 00:37:20,137 --> 00:37:28,512 ♪ AND THEY'VE ALL BEEN TRIED LIKE IT'S SOME GREAT PENALTY, 731 00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:37,021 ♪ BUT IT'S JUST THEIR PRIDE AND THEY GOT NO FOLLOW-THROUGH 732 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:42,193 ♪ THEY HOLD THE WEAKEST STANCE ♪ ♪ ♪ 733 00:37:42,259 --> 00:37:52,436 YEAH, WELL, THEY'LL COME TO ♪ STEAL AND DIVIDE 734 00:37:52,503 --> 00:38:04,515 ALL THAT'S GOOD ♪ ♪ ♪ 735 00:38:04,582 --> 00:38:10,287 YOU SAY YOU THIRST FOR VENGEANCE ♪ AND YOU CRAVE FOR FIRE 736 00:38:10,354 --> 00:38:16,494 ON THE ROOFS OF INNOCENCE ♪ YOU WATCH THEM RAGE AND WRITHE 737 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:22,199 AND IT DON'T BOTHER YOU ♪ YOU FEEL SO BRAVE 738 00:38:22,266 --> 00:38:30,808 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU'RE STANDING IN THE WATER 739 00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:38,182 YOU THINK THAT YOU'VE BEEN SAVED ♪ WITH YOUR BLIND IGNORANCE 740 00:38:38,249 --> 00:38:46,190 IN COMES A CRUSHING WAVE ♪ NOW SEE WHAT DROWN MEN DO IN 741 00:38:46,257 --> 00:38:54,198 YOUR WATERY GRAVE ♪ WELL, THEY'LL COME TO 742 00:38:54,265 --> 00:39:06,177 STEAL AND DIVIDE ♪ ALL THAT'S GOOD 743 00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:14,185 YEAH, THEY'LL COME TO ♪ STEAL AND DIVIDE 744 00:39:14,251 --> 00:39:26,197 ALL THAT'S GOOD ♪ ♪ ♪ 745 00:39:26,263 --> 00:39:40,511 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 746 00:39:40,578 --> 00:39:46,517 ♪ YEAH, THEY'LL COME TO STEAL AND DIVIDE 747 00:39:46,584 --> 00:39:54,191 ♪ YEAH, THEY COME TO STEAL AND DIVIDE 748 00:39:54,258 --> 00:40:04,502 ♪ ALL THAT'S GOOD ALL THAT'S GOOD 749 00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:14,178 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 750 00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:18,582 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, NATHANIEL. 751 00:40:18,649 --> 00:40:19,683 NATHANIEL RATELIFF AND THE NIGHT SWEATS EVERYBODY! 752 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:20,918 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 753 00:40:20,985 --> 00:40:22,186 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA 754 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,121 NIXON, AND ADAM MCKAY. 755 00:40:24,188 --> 00:40:25,389 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 756 00:40:25,456 --> 00:40:26,123 GOOD NIGHT.