1 00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:04,104 >> ED SHEERAN IS KNOWN FOR POURING HIS HEART OUT INTO HIS 2 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:05,939 CHART-TOPPING SINGLES. 3 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:10,210 AND WITH HIS NEW ALBUM, SHEERAN HAS PEALED BACK THE COVERS TO 4 00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:13,713 HIS KINKY SEX LIFE, WITH FANS ABLE TO ENVISAGE MENTAL PICTURES 5 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:15,949 THEY MAY NOT HAVE EXPECTED. 6 00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:20,320 HE'LL EVEN BE PERFORMING SOME OF THOSE HIT SONGS IN POKEMON GO 7 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,156 FOR A SPECIAL IN-GAME CONCERT. 8 00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,225 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( SUNG TO "SHAPE OF YOU" ) 9 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:36,296 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 10 00:01:36,362 --> 00:01:44,304 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 11 00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:53,980 KEVIN HART AND MUSICAL GUESTS ROBERT PLANT 12 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,148 AND ALISON KRAUSS FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 13 00:01:56,049 --> 00:02:00,019 HUMAN. 14 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,924 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 15 00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,494 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,129 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO! 17 00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,731 THERE YOU GO! 18 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,134 OH, THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR RIGHT THERE! 19 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:23,042 THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! 20 00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:27,614 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 21 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:35,722 >> Stephen: FRIDAY! 22 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:36,122 FRIDAY. 23 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:37,257 HAPPY FRIDAY. 24 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,959 WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, MR. AND 25 00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:46,399 MRS. AMERICA, ALL THE STHIPS AT SEA, TO "THE LATE SHOW." 26 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,033 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 27 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:47,467 JON, WE MADE IT. 28 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:48,468 >> Jon: YUP. 29 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:49,536 >> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY. 30 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:50,370 >> Jon: FRIDAY! 31 00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:54,040 >> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO EVERYBODY. 32 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:58,645 I WOKE UP TODAY THINKING, IS IT STILL THURSDAY? 33 00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:04,651 ( LAUGHTER ) TURNED OUT IT'S FRIDAY. 34 00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,185 HOPE YOU ALL HAVE WEEKEND PLANS. 35 00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,787 JOE BIDEN CERTAINLY DOES, BECAUSE TOMORROW IS HIS 36 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,721 BIRTHDAY. 37 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:09,556 SO-- ( APPLAUSE ) 38 00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:10,189 THERE YOU GO. 39 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:12,725 THERE YOU GO. 40 00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:17,764 SO, IF YOU SEE HIM, BE SURE TO SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." 41 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:23,670 BUT LEAVE OFF THE ♪ HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW ♪ 42 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:24,938 JUST DON'T ASK. 43 00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:27,407 JOE HASN'T BLOWN OUT THE CANDLES YET, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW 44 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:33,546 HIS WISH: BETTER POLL NUMBERS ( LAUGHTER ) 45 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:34,180 AND OF COURSE, MORE WISHES. 46 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:34,781 ALWAYS WISH FOR MORE WISHES. 47 00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:36,716 THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS GIG. 48 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:39,118 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 49 00:03:39,185 --> 00:03:44,958 I DON'T THINK-- HERE'S THE THING-- 50 00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:46,793 ( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T THINK BIDEN GETS ENOUGH 51 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:49,128 CREDIT FOR THE THINGS HE DOES ACCOMPLISH. 52 00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:54,300 CASE IN POINT: LOOK AT THIS HEADLINE ABOUT HIS 53 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,971 INFRASTRUCTURE BILL FROM CNN: "AMERICANS AREN'T FEELING RELIEF 54 00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:58,972 FROM BIDEN'S BIG WASHINGTON VICTORY." 55 00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:02,475 HE SIGNED THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL ON MONDAY! 56 00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:03,509 IT'S FRIDAY. 57 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:07,614 THIS IS WHAT THE INTERNET SHOPPING HAS DONE TO US. 58 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,916 ( AS IMPATIENT CUSTOMER ) "UH, EXCUSE ME, I ORDERED A 59 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,884 SUSPENSION BRIDGE, AND IT HAS NOT ARRIVED YET. 60 00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:15,888 I CLICKED TWO-DAY DELIVERY! 61 00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:18,891 CAN I SPEAK TO AMERICA'S MANAGER, PLEASE? 62 00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:22,061 GO GET AMERICA'S MANAGER, PLEASE. 63 00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:22,895 I'LL WAIT." 64 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:27,934 ( APPLAUSE ) "I'M RECORDING YOU. 65 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,770 NO, I'M RECORDING YOU RIGHT NOW." 66 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:36,776 ( LAUGHTER ) TO GET IN THE PARTY MOOD FOR HIS 67 00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,945 BIRTHDAY, BIDEN MET UP WITH TWO OF HIS PALS, MEXICAN PRESIDENT 68 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,647 AND BANK MANAGER TELLING YOUR GRANDMA, "BUT HOW COULD A YOUNG 69 00:04:40,713 --> 00:04:46,786 LADY LIKE YOU NEED A RETIREMENT ACCOUNT?" ANDRES MANUEL LOPEZ 70 00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:48,655 OBRADOR; AND CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AND POETRY PROFESSOR 71 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:52,659 WHO SWEARS HIS NEW BEARD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS DIVORCE, 72 00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:54,827 JUSTIN TRUDEAU. 73 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:56,796 YESTERDAY, THE THREE NORTH AMERICAN LEADERS GOT TOGETHER 74 00:04:56,863 --> 00:05:04,370 FOR A MEETING THAT'S INFORMALLY CALLED, "THE THREE AMIGOS 75 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:08,074 SUMMIT" SLIGHTLY QUESTIONABLE AS A NAME. 76 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:12,679 IMPORTANT THAN TRUDEAU'S SUGGESTION, MENAGE A TROIS. 77 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:17,517 THEY HAVE TO DO IT IN FRENCH AND ENGLISH. 78 00:05:17,583 --> 00:05:18,918 THE THREE LEADERS ADDRESSED A SERIES OF ISSUES THAT HAVE 79 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,353 CAUSED TENSION AMONG NEIGHBORS, SPECIFICALLY, THE SHAWN 80 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:24,924 MENDES-CAMILLA CABELLO BREAKUP. 81 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:25,425 LOT TO NEGOTIATE THERE. 82 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:26,426 WE'RE ALL UPSET. 83 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,094 HE'S CANADIAN. 84 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:28,895 SHE'S AMERICAN. 85 00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:33,666 WHICH NATION GETS CUSTODY OF HIS ABS? 86 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:37,270 IT MAY BE JOE BIDEN'S BIRTHDAY, BUT HE'S THE ONE GIVING OUT ALL 87 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:40,640 THE GIFTS, BECAUSE YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT PFIZER, THE 88 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:48,681 PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY, HAS A NEW PILL THAT THEY SAY CAN 89 00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:53,653 REDUCE HOSPITALIZATIONS FROM COVID BY 89%. 90 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,121 WELL, NOW THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS BOUGHT ENOUGH 91 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,055 PILLS FOR 10 MILLION PEOPLE. 92 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,591 ( AS BIDEN ) "IT'S RAININ' PILLS, JACK! 93 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:03,029 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. 94 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,598 "THAT'S RIGHT. 95 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:07,900 I'M THE CANDY MAN! 96 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:08,901 I'M THE CANDY MAN! 97 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,603 UNCLE JOE HERE IS YOUR COVID PEZ DISPENSER! 98 00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:14,240 JUST TILT MY HEAD BACK, THEY COME OUT MY NECK!" 99 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,808 ( LAUGHTER ) DISTURBING IMAGE. 100 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,779 IT'S A DISTURBING IMAGE. 101 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:24,517 ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM 102 00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:30,089 WITH THIS PILL: IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU TAKE IT. 103 00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,257 AND THE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEED TO TAKE IT, BY AND LARGE, ARE 104 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,358 ANTI-VAXXERS. 105 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:34,627 SO, THE ADMINISTRATION IS GETTING AHEAD OF CONSPIRACY 106 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:37,063 THEORIES BY RENAMING IT DR. LINDELL'S MAGICAL HORSE ELIXER! 107 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,464 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 108 00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:40,366 NOW WITH ANTI-5G FLAVOR CRYSTALS! 109 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:43,836 GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOUR COUSIN'S FRIEND'S BALLS EXACTLY THE SAME 110 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,807 SIZE YOU KNOW AND LOVE! 111 00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:50,610 THE ADMINISTRATION IS ALSO HANDING OUT VACCINES TO KIDS, 112 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:55,381 AND THAT'S GOING BETTER THAN ANYONE EXPECTED. 113 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:58,651 IN FACT, NEARLY 1 IN 10 YOUNGER U.S. CHILDREN GOT A CORONAVIRUS 114 00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:03,523 SHOT IN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF VACCINE ELIGIBILITY, WHICH 115 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:04,157 REPRESENTS-- ( APPLAUSE ) 116 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:09,695 THAT'S RIGHT, I AGREE. 117 00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:10,997 WHICH REPRESENTS A FASTER UPTAKE THAN WHEN ADULTS WERE INITIALLY 118 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:12,899 OFFERED CORONAVIRUS VACCINE SHOTS. 119 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:13,466 WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. 120 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:16,903 KIDS AREN'T ON FACEBOOK. 121 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:18,137 YOU TELL THEM THE VACCINE WILL MAKE THEM MAGNETIC, THEY'RE LIKE 122 00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:20,606 "AWESOME! 123 00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:23,009 MOM CAN USE ME TO PUT MY DRAWINGS UP ON THE FRIDGE!" 124 00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:28,314 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 125 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,015 THAT'S THE FRIDGE. 126 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:30,249 THAT'S THE FRIDGE RIGHT THERE. 127 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,719 I'M A CHILD. 128 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:40,526 NOW, NOT EVERYONE IS EXCITED ABOUT VACCINATING CHILDREN. 129 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:42,094 CONSERVATIVES ARE STILL UPSET THAT "SESAME STREET'S" BIG BIRD 130 00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:45,431 TWEETED THAT HE RECEIVED HIS COVID-19 VACCINE. 131 00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,399 HE GOT HIS SHOTS FROM THE COUNT. 132 00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:51,404 ( AS COUNT ) "YOU NEED ONE, TWO, THREE-- 133 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,339 THREE BOOSTERS! 134 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,040 AH-HA-HA-HA!" ( APPLAUSE ) 135 00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:56,776 WHERE'S MY LIGHTNING? 136 00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:02,882 WHERE'S MY LIGHTNING! 137 00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:07,320 ONE OF THE GUYS WHO'S MOST "MUPSET" IS CONSERVATIVE PASTOR 138 00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:10,356 AND PRISON TALENT SHOW HYPNOTIST, MARIO MURILLO. 139 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:14,527 MURILLO SAID THIS ABOUT BIG BIRD PROMOTING THE VAX: 140 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:19,899 >> THIS IS THE MOST DEMONIC THING I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. 141 00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:21,901 >> Stephen: (AS PREACHER) "REPENT! 142 00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,904 FOR LO, I SAW A BEAST RISE UP OUT OF THE SEA: AN EIGHT-FOOT 143 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:28,507 TALL CANARY ON ROLLER SKATES WHO TAUGHT ME MY LETTERS AND HOW TO 144 00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:29,141 SHARE MY TOYS! 145 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,477 IT'S THE WORK OF THE DEVIL." 146 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:32,778 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 147 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:40,853 IT'S A-- WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT THIS IS THAT 148 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,690 BIG BIRD PROMOTING VACCINES IS NOTHING NEW. 149 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:47,760 BACK IN 1972, BIG BIRD WAS TELLING KIDS, "DON'T WAIT, 150 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,996 VACCINATE." 151 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:54,433 BUT HEY, WHAT I DO KNOW? 152 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,269 MAYBE THE SHOW HAS CHANGED SINCE THE '70s. 153 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:57,503 IS "SESAME STREET" SOME KIND OF HELL-HOLE? 154 00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:59,639 LET'S CHECK IN ON TODAY'S EPISODE! 155 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:04,510 ♪ THESE ARE THE HEROES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD 156 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:11,751 ♪ IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD 157 00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:12,818 >> Stephen: I KNOW THAT GUY. 158 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:13,185 JON! 159 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:13,719 JON BATISTE. 160 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:16,656 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 161 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,691 JON, TELL ME, YOU WERE OVER THERE? 162 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,228 WHAT'S IT LIKE OVER THERE? 163 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,763 IS IT FULL OF HELLSPAWN? 164 00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:29,001 >> Jon: WELL, STEPHEN, "D" IS FOR DEFINITELY NOT, AND DON'T 165 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:32,171 DARE CALL BIG BIRD A DEMON, DOOFUS. 166 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,174 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. 167 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:35,741 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 168 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:36,342 MESSAGE HAS TO BE SENT. 169 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,010 >> Jon: I DON'T LIKE THAT. 170 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:41,080 BIG BIRD IS MY BOY. 171 00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:45,918 >> Stephen: THERE'S A LOT TO FEEL HOPEFUL ABOUT RIGHT NOW. 172 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:47,753 KIDS ARE GETTING VAXED, IT'S BEEN A BEAUTIFUL FALL WEEK HERE 173 00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:48,854 IN NEW YORK CITY. 174 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,123 ( APPLAUSE ) REALLY, REALLY FEELS LIKE THINGS 175 00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:54,226 ARE LOOKING UP. 176 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:55,861 SO, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON IN THE NEWS? 177 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,765 OH, IN MARYLAND, THEY'VE FOUND A CASE OF RARE, CONTAGIOUS 178 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:00,900 MONKEYPOX! 179 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:05,004 MONKEYPOX IS A PRETTY RARE DISEASE BUT IT SPREADS EASILY 180 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,441 BECAUSE IT'S SPREAD THROUGH LARGE RESPIRATORY DROPLETS. 181 00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,076 THAT MEANS IT'S AIRBORNE. 182 00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:16,882 I AM TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE MONKEYPOX SPREADING. 183 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:17,717 >> FLY! 184 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,185 FLY! 185 00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:20,953 >> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE YOU GET OUT THE LYSOL AND START WIPING 186 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:29,962 DOWN YOUR MONKEY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 187 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,965 >> Stephen: YOU SHOULD KNOW, ALTHOUGH MONKEYPOX IS IN THE 188 00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:35,968 SAME FAMILY OF VIRUSES AS SMALLPOX, IT CAUSES MILDER 189 00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:36,969 SYMPTOMS. 190 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:37,803 OKAY. 191 00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,839 SO, IT'S SCARY, BUT IT'S NO SMALLPOX. 192 00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:43,542 IN OTHER NEWS, WORKERS IN A PENNSYLVANIA LAB DISCOVERED 193 00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:44,176 FROZEN VIALS MARKED "SMALLPOX." 194 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,411 HEY! 195 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,847 NO SMALLPOX UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR MONKEYPOX. 196 00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:51,650 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THESE VIALS OF 197 00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:55,855 DEADLY CONTAGION WERE FOUND WHILE CLEANING OUT A FREEZER. 198 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,724 OH, BEEN THERE: IT'S LATE, YOU'RE DIGGING AROUND IN THE 199 00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,894 FREEZER FOR A TREAT, AND ALL YOU CAN FIND IS AN EXPIRED 200 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,063 HUNGRYMAN, AN OLD CHICKEN BURGER, AND A BIOLOGICAL WEAPON. 201 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:04,997 JUST THROW IT OUT! 202 00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:10,503 YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE A CHICKEN BURGER! 203 00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:11,837 ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, VARIOUS POXES ASIDE, AT 204 00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:14,974 LEAST THE WORLD'S SAFE FROM A SWARMS OF CANNIBAL CRABS. 205 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:16,075 WHAT'S THAT? 206 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:19,845 50 MILLION CANNIBAL CRABS HAVE DESCENDED ON AUSTRALIA. 207 00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:23,849 WHICH, GIVEN WHAT I KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA, IS A LOT OF CANNIBAL 208 00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,818 CRABS? 209 00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:33,059 ( LAUGHTER ) VERY FEW CANNIBAL CRABS? 210 00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:34,660 AN PERFECT AMOUNT OF CANNIBAL CRABS? 211 00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:35,828 AUSTRALIA IS TERRIFYING. 212 00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,930 THERE ARE SO MANY CRABS, THEY'VE ACTUALLY SHUT DOWN ROADS. 213 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,865 LET'S SEE. 214 00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:43,869 HOLY CRABFEST FOR A LIMITED TIME AT RED LOBSTER! 215 00:11:43,936 --> 00:11:45,638 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME 216 00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:49,075 QUESTIONS, LIKE "AHHHHH!" AND "CRAAABS!" 217 00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,877 BUT THIS CROWD OF CRABS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL. 218 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:55,314 THEY'RE HEADING TO THE OCEAN TO MATE AND SPAWN. 219 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:58,684 BUT THE CRABS' CANNIBAL SIDE COMES OUT WHEN BABIES RETURNING 220 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:03,889 FROM THEIR FIRST OCEAN MIGRATION ARE FEASTED ON BY ADULTS AS PART 221 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:04,690 OF THEIR DIET. 222 00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:06,926 OH, SO, IT'S A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. 223 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,060 WHICH MAKES SENSE. 224 00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,929 IF YOU'RE A CRAB USING THOSE CLAWS TO PUT ON A CONDOM IS 225 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:15,935 PRETTY AWKWARD. 226 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:23,943 "HANG ON, DIANE." 227 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:25,111 ( APPLAUSE ) THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLUTION FOR 228 00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:27,947 THIS CRISIS: THE AUSTRALIAN AIR FORCE NEEDS TO CARPET BOMB 229 00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:31,250 THESE CRABS WITH OLD BAY SEASONING AND DROP ME IN THERE 230 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,552 WITH A SUPERSOAKER LOADED WITH DRAWN BUTTER, A BIB, AND A 231 00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:36,956 TINY HAMMER. 232 00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:38,958 THAT ROAD WILL BE CLEAN BY MONDAY. 233 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:40,259 ( APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 234 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,127 TONIGHT. 235 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:45,164 MY GUEST IS KEVIN HART. 236 00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,233 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE." 237 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:35,014 JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY! 238 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:43,522 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY FRIDAY, JON. 239 00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:45,858 >> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY! 240 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:46,425 HAPPY FRIDAY. 241 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,159 LOVE YOU ALL OUT THERE. 242 00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:50,095 >> Stephen: JON, I'LL TELL YOU-- 243 00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:50,629 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 244 00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:51,397 >> Jon: LOVE YOU ALL. 245 00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:52,698 >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY. 246 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,568 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. 247 00:13:55,634 --> 00:14:01,307 JON YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE TONIGHT, THE ONE, THE ONLY THE 248 00:14:01,373 --> 00:14:05,044 MULTITALENTED, THE DYNAMIC DYNAMO HIMSELF, MR. KEVIN HART 249 00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:05,678 IS HERE. 250 00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:06,545 >> Jon: LIVING LEGEND. 251 00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:07,446 >> Stephen: BIG STAR. 252 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:10,282 THAT'S AN HONEST TO GOD HUGE STAR. 253 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,552 >> Jon: DOES STANDUP IN STADIUMS. 254 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:14,520 >> Stephen: 55,000 PEOPLE. 255 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,988 >> Jon: BY YOURSELF ON STAGE. 256 00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:18,090 >> Stephen: THAT IS MORE THAN THIS. 257 00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:18,891 ( LAUGHTER ). 258 00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,993 >> Jon: BUT VIEWERS AT HEME, THOUGH. 259 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,061 WE HAVE VIEWERS AT HOME. 260 00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:23,696 >> Stephen: WE HAVE VIEWERS AT HOME. 261 00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:24,530 THAT'S TRUE. 262 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,932 WE HAVE LIKE... TWICE THIS MUCH. 263 00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:30,936 FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TENDERLY 264 00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:33,005 CLIPPING THE NEWSIEST, MOST FRAGRANT TEA-LEAF BUDS OF THE 265 00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:37,943 DAY, GINGERLY LAYING THEM TO DRY BY THE LIGHT OF THE 266 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:40,212 ROSY-FINGERED DAWN, PAINSTAKINGLY STEEPING THEM TO 267 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,949 PERFECTION IN THE MOST TOPICAL OF FRESH WATER GATHERED FROM THE 268 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:48,254 NATION'S NEWS RESERVOIR, BEFORE CEREMONIOUSLY SERVING TO YOU THE 269 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,958 ANTIOXIDANT-RICH ELIXIR OF BESPOKE TEA SHAN THAT IS MY 270 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:54,093 NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 271 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:55,327 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AFTER A BENDER ON ABSINTHE AND 272 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:59,898 MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE HOVERED OVER A VAT 273 00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,066 OF BLISTERING SEWER RUNOFF. 274 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:05,904 I ADD TO THE GURGLING POT OF NIGHTMARES WHATEVER THE VOICES 275 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:09,241 DEMAND: SCRAPS OF WET TRASHCAN LETTUCE AND BAND-AIDS FROM THE 276 00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:10,476 COMMUNITY POOL. 277 00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:16,482 THEN, USING AN OLD GYM SOCK I FOUND AT THE HOBOKEN Y.M.C.A., I 278 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:17,883 STRAIN IT ALL INTO A DISUSED GASOLINE CANISTER TO OFFER YOU 279 00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:21,887 THE SCALDING-HOT DEMENTED DEMON TONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY 280 00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:29,695 SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 281 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,430 THIS RIGHT HERE. 282 00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,432 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 283 00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:37,903 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 284 00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:43,642 MEANWHILE, ON SATURDAY, MICHIGAN COACH "JIM HARBAUGH'S PANTS 285 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,878 CAUGHT FIRE DURING THE MICHIGAN-PENN STATE GAME." 286 00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:47,112 HAPPENS ALL TOO OFTEN. 287 00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:52,551 THAT'S WHY THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO BE READY TO PUT THE COACHES OUT. 288 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,020 APPARENTLY, HARBAUGH STOOD TOO CLOSE TO A SPACE HEATER, WHICH 289 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:57,122 CAUSED THE FIRE, AND HE DESCRIBED THE MOMENT IN AN 290 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,324 INTERVIEW. 291 00:15:58,390 --> 00:15:59,892 >> ALL OF THE SUDDEN, DAYLEN BALDWIN SAID, "COACH, YOUR PANTS 292 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:00,759 ARE ON FIRE." 293 00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:06,899 AND I GO, "HUH?" ( LAUGHTER ) 294 00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:07,933 "YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE." 295 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,902 I LOOK DOWN AND OH, MY GOSH, MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE. 296 00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,904 SO, MADE A LITTLE COACHING POINT TO DAYLEN BALDWIN: IF SOMEBODY'S 297 00:16:11,970 --> 00:16:15,908 ON FIRE, MAN, LIKE, "HEY, COACH!" 298 00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:18,844 >> Stephen: NOW, TO BE FAIR, THAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER 299 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:19,978 ISN'T BEING PAID TO BE A FIREMAN... 300 00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:23,982 OR A FOOTBALL PLAYER. 301 00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:30,289 ( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A BUNCH OF PEOPLE 302 00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:32,091 JUST RODE HORSES TO A McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU. 303 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,994 "YEAH, I'LL TAKE A NUMBER FOUR WITH A SMALL COKE AND 1,500 OF 304 00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,864 THOSE LITTLE APPLE SLICES." 305 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:44,002 ( LAUGHTER ) THE RIDE HAPPENED IN 306 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,872 CYBERJAYA, A CITY IN WESTERN MALAYSIA, KNOWN AS THE 307 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:50,275 COUNTRY'S VERSION OF SILICON VALLEY. 308 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:51,410 SO, NO MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE IN, SILICON VALLEY BROS 309 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:55,981 ARE EXHAUSTING. 310 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:59,451 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE YOUNG HAVE STRUCK 311 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:02,421 AGAIN, BECAUSE "GEN Z HAS DECLARED BLOND HAIR AS 312 00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:06,892 'CHEUGY.'" AND A-LISTERS SUCH AS GIGI 313 00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,795 HADID, FLORENCE PUGH, AND HAILEY BIEBER HAVE DITCHED THEIR 314 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,898 STRAW-COLORED 'DOS AND GONE BRUNETTE. 315 00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:18,170 AND THEY LOOK PRETTY COOL DOING IT. 316 00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:20,606 BUT, OF COURSE, TRUE GEN Z STYLE ICONS WERE BRUNETTE ALL ALONG 317 00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:32,918 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE 318 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:33,452 CATCH MY DRIP, FAM! 319 00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:37,423 I'M A BOP, T.B.H! 320 00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:42,928 ( LAUGHTER ) AND DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE 321 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:49,935 DRAPES? 322 00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:53,939 ( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW. 323 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,275 MEANWHILE-- THEY'RE HARD WOOD FLOORS. 324 00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:58,143 MEANWHILE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 325 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,045 BELOVED-- ( APPLAUSE ) 326 00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:01,814 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 327 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,951 YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE IN COMEDY. 328 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:09,955 MEANWHILE, BELOVED CAST MEMBER FROM "THE OFFICE," B.J. NOVAK, 329 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:10,856 HAS A FACE. 330 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,959 THERE IT IS. 331 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,862 WELL, NOW THAT FACE IS ON PRODUCTS WORLDWIDE, AND HE'S 332 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:17,996 NOT SURE WHY. 333 00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:21,200 PEOPLE STEALING CELEBRITIES' FACES TO SELL STUFF IS VERY 334 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:21,667 COMMON. 335 00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:22,868 AND THIS IS TRUE. 336 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,337 A FEW YEARS AGO, AN IRANIAN CLOTHING COMPANY USED MY IMAGE 337 00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:28,774 TO SELL SUITS. 338 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,742 I NEVER SHOULD'VE DONE THAT STOCK PHOTO GIG IN TEHRAN, BUT I 339 00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:34,847 WAS YOUNG AND HUNGRY, AND THEY PAID IN PISTACHIOS. 340 00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:37,950 BUT B.J.'S IS BEING USED TO PUSH ALL KINDS OF WEIRD STUFF, LIKE 341 00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:41,920 THIS LINE OF URUGUAYAN FLAG FACE PAINT, THESE ELECTRIC RAZORS, 342 00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:44,556 AND THESE EUROPEAN KNEE-LENGTH PONCHOS. 343 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:49,528 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 344 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,430 WELL, I WILL SAY THIS: "KNEE" IS THE PERFECT LENGTH FOR PONCHOS: 345 00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,265 NOT TOO LONG, NOT TOO SHORT, BUT YOU STILL FEEL LIKE YOU'RE 346 00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:56,935 WEARING A HOT, WET GARBAGE BAG. 347 00:18:57,002 --> 00:19:01,306 AND YOU'LL NOTICE IT'S THE SAME PHOTO OF NOVAK ON ALL THESE 348 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,508 PRODUCTS. 349 00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:03,709 THAT'S BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, SOMEONE UPLOADED IT TO A WEBSITE 350 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:06,245 WHERE IT BECAME PART OF THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. 351 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,914 AND IT'S THE INTERNET, SO IT SPREAD OUT OF CONTROL. 352 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,918 NORMALLY, AN IMAGE DOESN'T ENTER PUBLIC DOMAIN FOR 120 YEARS. 353 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,821 THAT'S WHY, IN 2020, THE HOTTEST PRODUCT WAS THE BIG BILL 354 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,890 McKINLEY AIR FRYER. 355 00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,892 ( LAUGHTER ) SO GOOD, AN ANARCHIST WILL 356 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,261 ASSASSINATE YOU FOR IT! 357 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,328 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEVIN HART. 358 00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:50,989 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 359 00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:56,929 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 360 00:19:56,995 --> 00:20:04,937 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR AND 361 00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:07,706 COMEDIAN WHO'S CONQUERED EVERYTHING FROM ANIMATED MOVIES 362 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,942 TO STADIUM TOURS. 363 00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,244 HE NOW STARS IN THE NETFLIX SERIES, "TRUE STORY." 364 00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:15,314 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KEVIN HART. 365 00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,081 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 366 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:26,124 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU! 367 00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:38,337 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU! 368 00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:42,975 THANK YOU. 369 00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:43,875 MUCH APPRECIATED. 370 00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:48,981 MUCH APPRECIATED. 371 00:20:49,047 --> 00:20:52,985 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. 372 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:53,986 WOW. 373 00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:57,122 IT FEELS-- I GOTTA BE HONEST, MAN. 374 00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,724 THAT FEELS SO GOOD. 375 00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:05,497 IT FEELS... I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH YOU JUST 376 00:21:05,564 --> 00:21:06,732 MADE ME SMILE. 377 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:09,635 IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD THE AUDIENCE INTERACTION, AND 378 00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,372 JUST SEEING PEOPLE AGAIN, SEEING THEIR FACES, MAN. 379 00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:13,939 IT'S SPECIAL. 380 00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:14,640 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 381 00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:16,608 VERY SPECIAL. 382 00:21:16,675 --> 00:21:17,809 YEAH. 383 00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:19,911 >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE TURNS ON AN AIR CONDITIONER IN 384 00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:21,446 YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU HEAR THAT FROM A CROWD. 385 00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:22,581 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 386 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:23,382 >> THANK YOU. 387 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,584 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A DAMN BIG STAR. 388 00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:27,619 >> DARN RIGHT I AM. 389 00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:29,955 >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN DOING-- YOU'VE BEEN DOING ALL 390 00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:32,691 AND WE'VE GLAD TO BE ON THE CAVALCADE. 391 00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:34,393 I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. 392 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:38,263 WHAT ARE THE COVID PRECAUTIONS YOU RUN INTO AT THE DIFFERENT 393 00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:38,964 PLACES YOU GO TO? 394 00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:40,165 WE TRY TO BE SAFE HERE. 395 00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:43,235 HOW DO YOU COMPARE OUR PROTOCOLS TO OTHER PLACES? 396 00:21:43,301 --> 00:21:46,972 >> RIGHT NOW I'M ON A PROMO TOUR, AND THE CRAZINESS IS 397 00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,207 SEEING HOW EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT. 398 00:21:49,274 --> 00:21:52,978 I WENT TO "THE TODAY SHOW." 399 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:53,879 THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE. 400 00:21:53,945 --> 00:21:57,115 THAT WAS LIKE GOING TO-- WHAT IS IT CALLED? 401 00:21:57,182 --> 00:21:58,650 JAIL, YEAH, YEAH. 402 00:21:58,717 --> 00:21:59,651 ( LAUGHTER ). 403 00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:00,686 >> Stephen: THEY SCRUB YOU DOWN WHEN YOU COME IN. 404 00:22:00,752 --> 00:22:01,920 >> IT WAS TOUGH. 405 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:06,925 AT ONE POINT I ASKED THEM, "YOU ALL DID KNOW I WAS COMING, 406 00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:07,526 RIGHT?" FINGERPRINTS. 407 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:08,994 I'M TALK A PRICK OF BLOOD. 408 00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:12,864 I MEAN THEY PUT SOME ( BLEEP ) ON MY FACE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT 409 00:22:12,931 --> 00:22:13,932 IT IS. 410 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:14,900 THEY SPRAYED ME. 411 00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:16,368 AND THEY THINK I DON'T KNOW. 412 00:22:16,435 --> 00:22:18,370 I SAID, "WHAT IS THAT? 413 00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:20,038 WAS IT RAID?" I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. 414 00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:24,710 I GOT DONE THERE, AND THEN I AREN'T TO THE OTHER ONE WAS-- I 415 00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:28,280 WENT TO GO DO "KELLY AND RYAN," AND, YOU KNOW, THAT ONE IS CRAZY 416 00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:30,515 BECAUSE THEY'RE LIVING A LIE THERE. 417 00:22:30,582 --> 00:22:33,518 SO BACKSTAGE, WELL, BACKSTAGE THEY'RE ALL TALKING TO YOU, BUT 418 00:22:33,585 --> 00:22:37,289 WHEN WE GOT OUT ON THE STAGE, AND THEY ACT LIKE THEY NEVER 419 00:22:37,355 --> 00:22:38,724 TALKED TO YOU BACK THERE. 420 00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:42,894 THEY SAY,s, WE DON'T SHAKE HANDS." 421 00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:44,830 I SAID, "WE JUST HUGGED IN THE BACK." 422 00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:46,398 >> Stephen: THAT JUST MADE NEWS. 423 00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:48,066 THAT JUST MADE NEWS RIGHT NOW. 424 00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:49,234 THAT WAS AN EXCLUSIVE. 425 00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:51,536 THAT WAS A "LATE SHOW" EXCLUSIVE. 426 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:54,840 >> THEY KNOW I'M CRAZY ENOUGH AND CALL THEM ALL OUT ON IT. 427 00:22:54,906 --> 00:22:55,941 I GET IT. 428 00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:57,109 I GET IT. 429 00:22:57,175 --> 00:22:59,010 EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. 430 00:22:59,077 --> 00:23:02,647 AND THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK TO THE 431 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,116 WORLD OF NORM. 432 00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:07,219 THERE ARE SOME HYPERSENSITIVE TENSION IN HOW TO DO IT AND 433 00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:08,353 PROGRESS. 434 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:09,955 BUT I'VE BEEN TRAVELING AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE 435 00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:13,592 DIFFERENT PLACES -- SOME PLACES DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE WERE IN 436 00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:14,893 A PANDEMIC. 437 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,361 I WAS IN -- >> Stephen: I WAS IN SOUTH 438 00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:18,930 CAROLINA. 439 00:23:18,997 --> 00:23:20,165 I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. 440 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:23,802 >> I WENT TO WICHITA, AND I WAS TALKING TO SOMEBODY, AND I WAS 441 00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,571 LIKE, "IT'S CRAZY, THE WHOLE PANDEMIC." 442 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:30,142 AND HE SAID, "WHAT'S THAT?" AND I SAID, "IT'S LIKE A WHOLE 443 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:30,675 THING." 444 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,878 AND HE SAID, "GET OUT! 445 00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:34,379 GET!" HE TOLD ME TO GET. 446 00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:37,549 SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND SOME DO. 447 00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,651 EVEN IN CALIFORNIA, THEY'RE GETTING BACK TO IT SLOWLY. 448 00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:43,989 BUT AS A PERSON THAT THRIVES OFF OF BEING AROUND PEOPLE AND 449 00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:47,759 CROWDS, IT'S JUST GOOD TO SEE FACES, IT'S GOOD TO SEE THAT 450 00:23:47,826 --> 00:23:48,927 ENERGY. 451 00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:50,729 AND I HOPE WE'RE GETTING CLOSER BACK TO THE WAYS OF NORM. 452 00:23:50,796 --> 00:23:53,799 OF COURSE, SAFETY FIRST, BUT THIS JUST FEELS GOOD. 453 00:23:53,865 --> 00:23:57,235 >> Stephen: YOU GOT THE KIDS FASCINATED, WE GOT THE PILLS 454 00:23:57,302 --> 00:23:58,403 COMING. 455 00:23:58,470 --> 00:24:00,972 OH, I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT-- YOU'VE BEEN INTERVIEWING PEOPLE 456 00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:01,273 YOURSELF. 457 00:24:01,339 --> 00:24:02,374 >> YES. 458 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,644 >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN DABBLING IN THE INTERVIEW GAME 459 00:24:05,710 --> 00:24:09,714 YOURSELF ON THE SHOW "HART TO HART" ON PEACOCK. 460 00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:12,484 AND I UNDERSTAND YOU OFFER PEOPLE A DRINK. 461 00:24:12,551 --> 00:24:13,618 >> I DO. 462 00:24:13,685 --> 00:24:16,755 >> Stephen: AND I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE ONE? 463 00:24:16,822 --> 00:24:18,690 I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A FAN OF TEQUILA. 464 00:24:18,757 --> 00:24:22,127 >> YOU HAVE TEQUILA FOR ME ( BELL RINGS ). 465 00:24:22,194 --> 00:24:23,028 >> Stephen: A LITTLE ICE? 466 00:24:23,094 --> 00:24:26,398 >> I'LL TAKE WHATEVER YOU GIVE ME. 467 00:24:26,464 --> 00:24:26,965 RIGHT THERE. 468 00:24:27,032 --> 00:24:27,933 >> Stephen: HERE WE GO. 469 00:24:27,999 --> 00:24:28,867 >> I'LL BE HONEST. 470 00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:33,672 YOU GUYS ARE WAY TOO COMFORTABLE. 471 00:24:33,738 --> 00:24:34,606 >> Stephen: WE'LL STERILIZE IT. 472 00:24:34,673 --> 00:24:36,875 >> I JUST SAW STEVE PUT HIS HAND ON THE ICE. 473 00:24:36,942 --> 00:24:38,910 HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY ICE. 474 00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:39,244 OKAY. 475 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:39,744 LET'S GO. 476 00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:40,612 THIS IS GREAT, MAN! 477 00:24:40,679 --> 00:24:41,413 >> Stephen: FANTASTIC. 478 00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:42,581 >> TO YOU-- HOW ABOUT THIS? 479 00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:43,548 TO YOU? 480 00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:44,482 >> Stephen: I'M DOING IT. 481 00:24:44,549 --> 00:24:46,651 >> I'M SAYING LET'S TOAST TO YOU RIGHT NOW. 482 00:24:46,718 --> 00:24:47,719 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GUEST. 483 00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:49,855 WE HAVE TO TOAST-- YOU WANT A LITTLE OF THIS ACTION? 484 00:24:49,921 --> 00:24:52,090 >> GIVE IT TO ME. 485 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:53,191 I'LL TAKE IT. 486 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,827 >> Stephen: KEEP AWAY THE SCURVY. 487 00:24:55,894 --> 00:24:59,631 >> HOCH BATCH OF DELTA RIGHT THERE. 488 00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:04,069 >> Stephen: TO-- FROM ONE TALK SHOW HOST TO ANOTHER TALK HOE 489 00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:07,606 HOST, HERE'S TO GUESTS AS GOOD AS KEVIN HART. 490 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:08,206 THERE YOU GO. 491 00:25:08,273 --> 00:25:09,274 >> THANK YOU, SIR. 492 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:16,314 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 493 00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:19,484 NOW, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT DON'T GO AWAY. 494 00:25:19,551 --> 00:25:22,020 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KEVIN HART, EVERYBODY. 495 00:25:22,087 --> 00:25:23,088 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 496 00:25:29,995 --> 00:25:36,234 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH KEVIN HART. 497 00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:37,502 RIGHT THERE. 498 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:39,938 KEVIN, I GOTTA ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR FRIEND 499 00:25:40,005 --> 00:25:40,305 DWAYNE JOHNSON. 500 00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:40,972 >> SURE. 501 00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:42,774 IT'S GOING TO GET VERY HONEST. 502 00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:43,909 ( LAUGHTER ). 503 00:25:43,975 --> 00:25:47,946 >> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT THIS WEEK, HE MADE SOME NEWS 504 00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:50,949 THIS WEEK BY SAYING THAT HE HAS A HABIT OF PEEING IN A WATER 505 00:25:51,016 --> 00:25:52,250 BOTTLE WHILE HE'S WORKING OUT. 506 00:25:52,317 --> 00:25:53,051 >> OKAY. 507 00:25:53,118 --> 00:25:54,152 >> Stephen: WERE YOU AWARE OF THIS? 508 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:58,123 HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NAP YOUR WORKOUTS WITH MR. DWAYNE 509 00:25:58,189 --> 00:25:58,690 JOHNSON? 510 00:25:58,757 --> 00:25:59,791 >> IT'S NOT NEWS TO ME. 511 00:25:59,858 --> 00:26:01,893 HE HAS SMELLED LIKE URINE FOR YEARS. 512 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,561 >> Stephen: CAN YOU TALK TO HIM? 513 00:26:03,628 --> 00:26:04,863 IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. 514 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:07,599 >> AT A CERTAIN POINT YOU KNOW WHEN A PERSON HAS A PROBLEM. 515 00:26:07,666 --> 00:26:09,100 HE'S DEALING WITH SOMETHING ELSE. 516 00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:10,602 >> Stephen: SO THIS IS COMPENSATING. 517 00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:13,171 >> YEAH, THERE WERE TIMES ON THE SET WHEN I WAS LIKE, "SHOULD WE 518 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:18,109 SAY SOMETHING?" ANDESH WAS LIKE, "HE'S BIG." 519 00:26:18,176 --> 00:26:20,712 JUST LET IT HAPPEN. 520 00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:21,579 JUST LET IT HAPPEN, MAN. 521 00:26:21,646 --> 00:26:23,348 >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF BIG. 522 00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:28,586 THERE YOU ARE ON "MEN'S JOURNAL" WITH YOUR MIGHTY BICEPS. 523 00:26:28,653 --> 00:26:29,454 RIGHT THERE. 524 00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:31,089 YOU'RE KIND OF DOING THIS THING, THOUGH. 525 00:26:31,156 --> 00:26:34,292 YOU'RE KIND OF DOING THE FIST THING UNDERNEATH THE BICEP. 526 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:38,930 >> ACTUALLY, THIS SHIRT HERE I HAD TROUBLE PUTTING IT ON. 527 00:26:38,997 --> 00:26:42,000 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FIT. 528 00:26:42,067 --> 00:26:43,168 HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE? 529 00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:45,236 >> 13, 13 YEARS OLD THERE. 530 00:26:45,303 --> 00:26:46,271 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 531 00:26:46,338 --> 00:26:47,605 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 532 00:26:47,672 --> 00:26:48,907 .>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE. 533 00:26:48,974 --> 00:26:54,279 >> YEAH, IT JUST GOT RATED "R," DIDN'T IT, LADIES. 534 00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:56,147 IT GOT RATED "R." 535 00:26:56,214 --> 00:26:57,315 AS. 536 00:26:57,382 --> 00:27:01,186 >> Stephen: AS A TEENAGER WEARING A SPEEDO, DID THAT HELP 537 00:27:01,252 --> 00:27:02,854 OUR HURT YOUR LOVE LIFE. 538 00:27:02,921 --> 00:27:04,356 >> THAT SAYS CONFIDENT. 539 00:27:04,422 --> 00:27:07,659 THERE'S NOTHING MORE CONFIDENT THAN A YOUNG BLACK KID IN A 540 00:27:07,726 --> 00:27:08,827 SPEEDO. 541 00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:10,829 BY THE WAY, YOU GUYS PROBABLY THINK THAT WAS WITH MY SWIM 542 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:11,496 TEAM. 543 00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:12,530 NO, THAT WAS ON MY CLASS TRIP. 544 00:27:12,597 --> 00:27:14,632 ( LAUGHTER ) LET ME TELL YOU-- LET ME TELL 545 00:27:14,699 --> 00:27:16,901 YOU-- LET ME TELL YOU HOW BAD THAT IS. 546 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,803 I'M GOING TO TELL YOU HOW BAD THIS PHOTO IS. 547 00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:26,277 WE HAD A CLASS TRIP-- I WENT TO GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH SCHOOL. 548 00:27:26,344 --> 00:27:27,512 I I WAS ON THE SWIM TEAM. 549 00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:28,580 THAT'S THE NORM. 550 00:27:28,646 --> 00:27:30,482 THESE ARE THE TRUNKS YOU WEAR. 551 00:27:30,548 --> 00:27:32,117 EVERY GUY IS IN A SPEEDO. 552 00:27:32,183 --> 00:27:35,120 WOMEN ARE IN TAPERED SUITS. 553 00:27:35,186 --> 00:27:38,223 I DID NOT KNOW THE WORLD OF THE OTHER SWIM WORLD. 554 00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:42,060 I DID NOT KNOW THE LONG SWIM TRUNKS EXIST. 555 00:27:42,127 --> 00:27:46,431 I WENT TO THE TRIP, MY GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH SCHOOL. 556 00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:50,702 AND WE GET IN THE POOL, AND I SAID I'M SO HAPPY I BROUGHT MY 557 00:27:50,769 --> 00:27:51,302 TRUNKS. 558 00:27:51,369 --> 00:27:52,203 AND I BROUGHT MY SPEEDOS. 559 00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:53,438 LET'S GO! 560 00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,940 AND I GET OUT THERE-- IT'S THE FIRST TIME I HEARD A GROUP SAY, 561 00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:58,143 "WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) DO YOU HAVE ON?" 562 00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:04,282 I'VE NEVER-- AT THE SAME TIME-- AT THE SAME TIME. 563 00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,784 AND I WAS LIKE-- ( LAUGHTER ) 564 00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:09,821 ( APPLAUSE ) I WAS LIKE-- I REMEMBER, GOING, 565 00:28:09,888 --> 00:28:13,691 "WHAT ARE YOUR ALL SPEEDOS AT?" NOBODY ELSE HAD ON SPEEDOS. 566 00:28:13,758 --> 00:28:14,426 THAT'S MY CLASS TRIP. 567 00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:15,527 THAT'S A GREAT PICTURE. 568 00:28:15,593 --> 00:28:19,030 >> Stephen: TWO YEARS AGO, WHEN YOU WERE ON-- ACTUALLY 569 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:23,234 THREE, YEARS AGO, SINCE THEN, YOU-- YOU WERE IN A SERIOUS CAR 570 00:28:23,301 --> 00:28:23,601 ACCIDENT. 571 00:28:23,668 --> 00:28:24,769 >> YES, YES. 572 00:28:24,836 --> 00:28:27,739 >> Stephen: ANY RESIDUAL OR ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT AS RAIN? 573 00:28:27,806 --> 00:28:29,007 >> NO, MAN, I'M GREAT. 574 00:28:29,074 --> 00:28:30,341 I'M BACK TO 100%. 575 00:28:30,408 --> 00:28:32,177 VERY LUCKY TO BE WHERE I AM. 576 00:28:32,243 --> 00:28:35,413 OF COURSE THE APPRECIATION FOR LIFE GOES UP 1,000% WHEN YOU 577 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,917 HAVE ANY TYPE OF ACCIDENT THAT, YOU KNOW, COULD HAVE CAUSED 578 00:28:38,983 --> 00:28:41,853 TERMINAL HARM, LIKE TO WHERE IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE WHAT IT IS 579 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:42,921 NOW. 580 00:28:42,987 --> 00:28:44,255 >> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND IT MADE YOU RETHINK YOUR 581 00:28:44,322 --> 00:28:44,756 WORK-LIFE BALANCE. 582 00:28:44,823 --> 00:28:45,690 >> ABSOLUTELY. 583 00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:47,592 >> Stephen: BUT IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF YEARS. 584 00:28:47,659 --> 00:28:51,062 HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT-- HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR MIND FOCUSED WHERE 585 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:51,763 IT SHOULD BE? 586 00:28:51,830 --> 00:28:53,031 >> I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. 587 00:28:53,098 --> 00:28:56,468 IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS WHEN THE BATTLE STARTS, 588 00:28:56,534 --> 00:28:57,735 RIGHT? 589 00:28:57,802 --> 00:29:03,108 BECAUSE AFTER MY ACCIDENT, OF OF COURSE I WAS SHUT DOWN AND I WAS 590 00:29:03,174 --> 00:29:04,109 HOME. 591 00:29:04,175 --> 00:29:05,510 AND AFTER THAT THE PANDEMIC. 592 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:09,647 AND YOU'RE LOOKING TAIL COURSE OF ALMOST TWO AND A HALF YEARS 593 00:29:09,714 --> 00:29:10,482 WHERE I'VE BEEN HOME. 594 00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:11,916 THE FOCUS ON MY FAMILY WAS A PRIORITY. 595 00:29:11,983 --> 00:29:14,252 THAT UNDERSTANDING-- ABSOLUTELY, THAT'S MY BABY. 596 00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:15,386 THAT'S MY TRIBE, RIGHT THERE. 597 00:29:15,453 --> 00:29:16,955 THE HART HOUSEHOLD. 598 00:29:17,021 --> 00:29:20,825 THE HART HOUSEHOLD ( APPLAUSE ) 599 00:29:20,892 --> 00:29:26,798 SO, YOU KNOW, I THINK FOR ME, THE THING WAS, I'M SUCH A 600 00:29:26,865 --> 00:29:27,699 WORKAHOLIC. 601 00:29:27,765 --> 00:29:30,935 I GET 1,000% TO MY CRAFT, TO MY BUSINESS. 602 00:29:31,002 --> 00:29:34,139 AND IT WAS UNDERSTANDING THAT I'M NOT MATCHING THAT ENERGY AT 603 00:29:34,205 --> 00:29:35,340 HOME. 604 00:29:35,406 --> 00:29:38,243 HOW DO I-- HOW DO I GIVE THAT ENERGY AND MAKE SURE THAT THAT 605 00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,778 IS GOING INTO THEM FIRST, AND THEN THE WORK SECOND? 606 00:29:40,845 --> 00:29:42,280 I WAS DOING IT REVERSE. 607 00:29:42,347 --> 00:29:44,549 I WAS DOING IT WORK FIRST, FAMILY SECOND. 608 00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:49,754 AND I THINK IT TAKES A LOT TO CHECK YOURSELF, TO UNDERSTAND 609 00:29:49,821 --> 00:29:54,058 WHERE YOU'RE WALKING WRONG, AND WHERE YOU'RE TAKING STHEAPS 610 00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,293 AREN'T CORRECT STEPS. 611 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,062 SO NOW THAT WE'RE GETTING BACK INTO THE SWING OF THINGS AND I'M 612 00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:02,000 BACK AT WORK, IT'S THE MENTAL OF, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK 613 00:30:02,066 --> 00:30:02,800 IN IT. 614 00:30:02,867 --> 00:30:04,135 YOU'RE HUSTLING AGAIN. 615 00:30:04,202 --> 00:30:07,572 BUT WE SHUT DOWN FOR A WEEK, LET'S GO HOME AND LET'S CHILL. 616 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:11,142 YOU'VE BEEN AT IT, MAKE SURE YOU GO TWO WEEKS AND WIFE, KIDS, AND 617 00:30:11,209 --> 00:30:12,343 YOU'RE PRIORITIZING. 618 00:30:12,410 --> 00:30:15,246 SO I THINK NOW WHEN I'M ABLE TO MAKE THOSE BIGGER MOVES AND 619 00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:17,715 BIGGER DECISIONS, IT'S JUST MAKING THEM FEEL LIKE A 620 00:30:17,782 --> 00:30:18,316 PRIORITY. 621 00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:19,584 NOT THAT I HAVEN'T BEFORE. 622 00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:22,287 IN THE PANDEMIC I JUST REALIZED THAT I COULD HAVE DONE MORE AND 623 00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:23,988 I MISSED A LOT. 624 00:30:24,055 --> 00:30:25,490 I'VE NEVER BEEN HOME FOR THAT LONG. 625 00:30:25,557 --> 00:30:28,393 AS A COMIC, YOU'RE GONE EVERY WEEKEND. 626 00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:31,496 AND I WAS GONE NEAR EVERY WEEKEND FOR 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE. 627 00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:35,733 SO WHEN YOU GET TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS ON SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS 628 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,269 CONSISTENTLY, THE SMILE CHANGES. 629 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:41,372 THE HEART BEATS A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 630 00:30:41,439 --> 00:30:48,346 AND YOU WANT AND NEED FOR THE LOVE THAT COMES WITH UN-- 631 00:30:48,413 --> 00:30:51,983 UNCONDITIONAL FEEDBACK OF JUST YOU WHEN YOUR TIME. 632 00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:52,850 IT'S NOTHING ELSE. 633 00:30:52,917 --> 00:30:54,352 I DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE. 634 00:30:54,419 --> 00:30:56,187 I JUST WANT YOUR TIME. 635 00:30:56,254 --> 00:30:57,455 ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT I TOOK FROM THAT. 636 00:30:57,522 --> 00:30:59,891 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK. 637 00:30:59,958 --> 00:31:00,892 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KEVIN HART, EVERYBODY. 638 00:31:24,015 --> 00:31:30,688 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE ONE, THE ONLY MR. KEVIN HART. 639 00:31:30,755 --> 00:31:34,959 NOW, YOU'RE A BILLSY GUY, STAND-UP, FILMS, PODCAST, GAME 640 00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:36,327 SHOW, INTERVIEW SHOWS. 641 00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:40,164 NOW YOU'RE IN A CRIME THRILLER SERIES ON NETFLIX. 642 00:31:40,231 --> 00:31:40,898 >> YES. 643 00:31:40,965 --> 00:31:42,700 >> Stephen: CALLED "TRUE STORY." 644 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:43,334 >> YES. 645 00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:44,569 >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT ABOUT? 646 00:31:44,636 --> 00:31:50,608 >> "TRUE STORY," "TRUE STORY" IS ME TAKING A STEP-- YOU WANT A 647 00:31:50,675 --> 00:31:50,975 DRINK? 648 00:31:51,042 --> 00:31:52,143 I'LL DRINK. 649 00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:54,979 >> Stephen: I FIGURED I WOULD DRINK WHILE YOU'RE TALKING. 650 00:31:55,046 --> 00:31:59,050 >> "TRUE STORY" IS ME TAKING A BIGGER STEP IN THE WORLD OF 651 00:31:59,117 --> 00:31:59,951 DRAMA AND THRILLER. 652 00:32:00,018 --> 00:32:02,387 IN MY CAREER EVERYTHING IS THOUGHT OUT. 653 00:32:02,453 --> 00:32:03,454 EVERYTHING IS CALCULATED. 654 00:32:03,521 --> 00:32:07,292 I BABY STEPPED MY AUDIENCE, MY FAN BASE GETTING HERE. 655 00:32:07,358 --> 00:32:10,495 "UPSIDE" WAS MY FIRST STEP. 656 00:32:10,561 --> 00:32:12,430 "FATHERHOOD" WAS A BIGGER STEP. 657 00:32:12,497 --> 00:32:15,967 "TRUE STORY" IS CRAZE CRAZIER AND WILDER. 658 00:32:16,034 --> 00:32:17,935 AND THE REASON I WANTED TO DO THIS I'M AT A POINT WHERE I WANT 659 00:32:18,002 --> 00:32:19,103 TO SHAKE THINGS UP. 660 00:32:19,170 --> 00:32:22,807 I WANT TO DO THINGS THAT I HAVEN'T DONE, AND I WANT TO TAKE 661 00:32:22,874 --> 00:32:27,945 MY AUDIENCE ON A WHIRLWIND AND BRING THEM BACK TO WHAT THEY 662 00:32:28,012 --> 00:32:30,048 KNOW ME FOR, AND THEN TAKE THEM ON ANOTHER ONE. 663 00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,683 I'M IN CONTROL OF MY CAREER. 664 00:32:31,749 --> 00:32:36,154 I PRODUCE, WRITE, AND CREATE MY OWN PROJECTS. 665 00:32:36,220 --> 00:32:37,755 >> Stephen: THERE'S NO COMEDY IN THIS. 666 00:32:37,822 --> 00:32:39,991 >> THERE'S NO COMEDY AT ALL. 667 00:32:40,058 --> 00:32:40,625 IT'S DARK. 668 00:32:40,692 --> 00:32:41,259 IT'S VERY DARK. 669 00:32:41,326 --> 00:32:42,794 >> Stephen: WHY IS IT DARK? 670 00:32:42,860 --> 00:32:48,032 >> AS A MATTER OF FACT, I SHOULD STOP TALKING PERSONAL AND I 671 00:32:48,099 --> 00:32:48,666 SHOULD GO DARK. 672 00:32:48,733 --> 00:32:51,102 THIS PROJECT IS ONE... 673 00:32:51,169 --> 00:32:53,404 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS PROJECT IS ONE THAT I TOOK 674 00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:58,042 ON BECAUSE I JUST FELT THERE WAS A SIDE OF ME THAT NEEDED TO BE 675 00:32:58,109 --> 00:32:59,177 SHOWN. 676 00:32:59,243 --> 00:33:02,013 I THINK WE ALL BATTLE WITH THINGS, AND I THINK THE THINGS 677 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:04,282 WE BATTLE WITH, SOMETIMES WE HAVE A TOUGH TIME OF LETTING 678 00:33:04,349 --> 00:33:05,516 THOSE THINGS OUT. 679 00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:08,486 THIS WAS MY WAY OF LETTING THOSE THINGS OUT AND PUTTING THEM ON 680 00:33:08,553 --> 00:33:09,587 DISPLAY. 681 00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:10,388 >> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT. 682 00:33:10,455 --> 00:33:11,456 >> NO, I DON'T. 683 00:33:11,522 --> 00:33:12,090 I DON'T. 684 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:12,657 I DON'T. 685 00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:13,658 I DON'T. 686 00:33:13,725 --> 00:33:15,293 BUT IT HAS -- >> Stephen: ARE THERE 687 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:16,094 MURDERERS? 688 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:17,362 >> YEAH, THERE ARE A LOT OF MURDERS. 689 00:33:17,428 --> 00:33:20,598 I ACTUALLY DEVELOPED THE SHOW BY CALLING ERIC NEWMAN, WHO IS THE 690 00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:24,502 CREATOR, WRITER BEHIND "NARCOS," AND I CALLED HIM, AND I SAID, 691 00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:28,072 "HEY, I WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY." 692 00:33:28,139 --> 00:33:31,008 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I DECIDED I WANT TO KILL 693 00:33:31,075 --> 00:33:31,843 SOMEBODY. 694 00:33:31,909 --> 00:33:34,445 AND HE WAS LIKE, "YOU WANT ME TO HELP?" 695 00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:35,713 I SAID, NO. 696 00:33:35,780 --> 00:33:37,014 THAT'S YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS. 697 00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:39,484 I WANT TO DO A TV SHOW BASED AROUND THAT. 698 00:33:39,550 --> 00:33:40,885 AND WE DEVELOPED IT, MAN. 699 00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:42,019 AND IT CAME OUT GREAT. 700 00:33:42,086 --> 00:33:44,922 AND WE SECURED AMAZING TALENT. 701 00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:45,990 WESLEY SNIPES IS MY COSTAR. 702 00:33:46,057 --> 00:33:47,458 HE PLAYS MY BROTHER. 703 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:51,195 HE BRINGS CREDIBILITY TO THE PROJECT. 704 00:33:51,262 --> 00:33:52,430 BILLY ZANE IS ANOTHER. 705 00:33:52,497 --> 00:33:54,866 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP OF YOU AND I THINK WESLEY SNIPES IS 706 00:33:54,932 --> 00:33:55,767 IN IT, TOO. 707 00:33:55,833 --> 00:33:57,902 DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 708 00:33:57,969 --> 00:34:00,171 >> OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. 709 00:34:00,238 --> 00:34:02,140 >> Stephen: DOES IT NEED SETTING UP? 710 00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:03,174 >> I CAN SET IT UP. 711 00:34:03,241 --> 00:34:09,514 ( LAUGHTER ) "TRUE STORY," RIGHT NOW, KEVIN 712 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:11,249 HART, WESLEY SNIPES, PLAYING BASKETBALL. 713 00:34:11,315 --> 00:34:11,816 >> Stephen: JIM. 714 00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,084 >> YEAH, HERE IT COMES. 715 00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:16,587 >> STILL OUT HERE ON THE STREETS, HUH? 716 00:34:16,654 --> 00:34:18,356 >> WHAT YOU DOING OUT HERE? 717 00:34:18,423 --> 00:34:21,526 >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I DOING OUT HERE? 718 00:34:21,592 --> 00:34:22,160 I'M FROM HERE. 719 00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:22,927 THIS IS MY STOMPING GROUND. 720 00:34:22,994 --> 00:34:23,528 THIS IS MY CITY. 721 00:34:23,594 --> 00:34:24,962 >> THIS IS YOUR CITY. 722 00:34:25,029 --> 00:34:27,698 .>> YES, ABSOLUTELY THIS IS MY CITY. 723 00:34:27,765 --> 00:34:30,468 >> THIS IS CRAZY. 724 00:34:30,535 --> 00:34:36,441 >> HEY, WHERE WAS YOU AT LAST NIGHT ME AND KIM STOMED IN THE 725 00:34:36,507 --> 00:34:36,974 OLD NEIGHBORHOOD. 726 00:34:37,041 --> 00:34:37,942 PUT MY STORY TOGETHER. 727 00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:38,376 FOLLOW ME. 728 00:34:38,443 --> 00:34:40,878 COME ON. 729 00:34:40,945 --> 00:34:42,947 >> HEY, YOU ALL PAKING PICS? 730 00:34:43,014 --> 00:34:45,550 TAKE A PICTURE WITH US. 731 00:34:45,616 --> 00:34:47,885 >> MAKE SURE YOU POST IT, THOUGH. 732 00:34:47,952 --> 00:34:48,920 >> I GOT IT. 733 00:34:48,986 --> 00:34:53,357 >> AS A MATTER OF FACT, TAG ME AND I'LL REPOST IT. 734 00:34:53,424 --> 00:34:54,492 TALKING TO YOU? 735 00:34:54,559 --> 00:34:56,961 WHERE ARE WE GOING? 736 00:34:57,028 --> 00:34:58,029 WE'RE MOVING? 737 00:34:59,030 --> 00:35:00,498 >> WOW, WOW. 738 00:35:00,565 --> 00:35:04,335 ( APPLAUSE ) WOO. 739 00:35:04,402 --> 00:35:05,369 WOW. 740 00:35:05,436 --> 00:35:06,904 >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GO I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUICK 741 00:35:06,971 --> 00:35:08,005 QUESTION. 742 00:35:08,072 --> 00:35:10,007 I HAVE HEARD YOU SAY THAT YOUR GOAL-- YOU WANT TO BE A 743 00:35:10,074 --> 00:35:10,308 BILLIONAIRE. 744 00:35:10,374 --> 00:35:11,909 >> OKAY. 745 00:35:11,976 --> 00:35:13,911 >> Stephen: SO IF THAT IS THE CASE, IF YOU BECOME A 746 00:35:13,978 --> 00:35:16,147 BILLIONAIRE, WHAT WILL BE YOUR BILLIONAIRE QUIRK? 747 00:35:16,214 --> 00:35:18,382 SOME PEOPLE-- SOME ARE GOING TO SPACE. 748 00:35:18,449 --> 00:35:20,151 ARE YOU GOING TO SPACE? 749 00:35:20,218 --> 00:35:22,186 ARE YOU GOING TO DRILL TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH? 750 00:35:22,253 --> 00:35:23,654 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? 751 00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:27,892 WHEN PEOPLE BECOME BILLIONAIRES THEY BECOME REALLY ( BLEEP ) 752 00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:28,593 WEIRD. 753 00:35:28,659 --> 00:35:29,727 >> THOSE ARE WHITE BILLIONAIRES. 754 00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:33,030 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 755 00:35:33,097 --> 00:35:34,065 ♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH, I MEAN -- 756 00:35:34,131 --> 00:35:36,300 >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE MORE LIKE OPRAH. 757 00:35:36,367 --> 00:35:37,502 YOU JUST BECOME SUPER NICE? 758 00:35:37,568 --> 00:35:41,105 >> I WILL-- I WILL-- BRIEFLY I WILL PUT IT IN CONTEXT, OKAY. 759 00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:44,242 THE REASON BEHIND THE NARRATIVE OF ME WANTING TO BECOME A 760 00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:45,676 BILLIONAIRE, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FINANCIAL SIDE. 761 00:35:45,743 --> 00:35:48,079 IT'S ABOUT THE STORY AND MEANING OF HOW. 762 00:35:48,145 --> 00:35:52,016 WHERE I COME FROM, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WHERE I AM. 763 00:35:52,083 --> 00:35:53,751 I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A STATISTIC. 764 00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:57,655 THERE ARE YOUNG KIDS THAT LOOK LIKE ME WHO GREW UP IN AN 765 00:35:57,722 --> 00:35:58,890 ENVIRONMENT WHERE THIS IS ALL IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. 766 00:35:58,956 --> 00:36:05,930 IF I CAN GO BACK AND SHAKE THOSE KIDS' HANDS THAT THE DREAM CAN 767 00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,499 BECOME A REALITY, THE INITIATE AND I HAVE NARRATIVE BEHIND IT, 768 00:36:08,566 --> 00:36:12,203 WHAT OPPORTUNITIES WILL GET CREATED OFF OF MY DREAM BECOMING 769 00:36:12,270 --> 00:36:12,970 A REALITY? 770 00:36:13,037 --> 00:36:13,971 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 771 00:36:14,038 --> 00:36:15,740 IT'S ANOTHER FORM OF MOTIVATION AND INSPIRATION. 772 00:36:15,806 --> 00:36:16,674 IT'S NOT ABOUT THE TAG. 773 00:36:16,741 --> 00:36:19,377 IT'S ABOUT THE TITLE THAT'S ATTACHED TO IT. 774 00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:21,345 WHERE I COME FROM, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. 775 00:36:21,412 --> 00:36:25,216 SO IF IT HAPPENS, HOLY ( BLEEP ). 776 00:36:25,283 --> 00:36:26,117 DREAMS ARE REAL. 777 00:36:26,183 --> 00:36:27,351 GUYS, YOU CAN DO IT, TOO. 778 00:36:27,418 --> 00:36:28,286 WE CAN MAKE IT. 779 00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:31,989 AND DO NOT LET ANYBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY. 780 00:36:32,056 --> 00:36:33,758 I'M LIVING PROOF THAT IT CAN HAPPEN. 781 00:36:33,824 --> 00:36:36,761 >> Stephen: THAT'S A BETTER ROCKET. 782 00:36:36,827 --> 00:36:37,929 KEVIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 783 00:36:37,995 --> 00:36:39,630 >> I LOVE YOU, MAN. 784 00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,232 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 785 00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:42,700 >> Stephen: "TRUE STORY" PREMIERES WEDNESDAY ON NETFLIX. 786 00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:46,270 KEVIN HART, EVERYBODY. 787 00:36:46,337 --> 00:36:47,338 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE WITH ROBERT PLANT 788 00:36:59,016 --> 00:37:00,585 >> Stephen: THEIR ALBUM, "RAISE THE ROOF," CAME OUT TODAY. 789 00:37:00,651 --> 00:37:06,557 PERFORMING "CAN'T LET GO," ROBERT PLANT AND ALISON KRAUSS. 790 00:37:06,624 --> 00:37:12,563 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 791 00:37:12,630 --> 00:37:15,099 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ TOLD YOU, BABY 792 00:37:15,166 --> 00:37:16,167 ONE MORE TIME ♪ DON'T MAKE ME SIT 793 00:37:16,233 --> 00:37:19,637 ALL ALONE AND CRY ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER 794 00:37:19,704 --> 00:37:23,674 I KNOW IT BUT ♪ I CAN'T LET GO 795 00:37:23,741 --> 00:37:26,210 I'M LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER ♪ A CAT IN A TREE 796 00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:29,614 YOU DON'T EVEN WANT ♪ TO TALK TO ME 797 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:33,918 WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT ♪ BUT I CAN'T LET GO 798 00:37:33,985 --> 00:37:36,554 HE WON'T TAKE ME BACK ♪ WHEN I COME AROUND 799 00:37:36,621 --> 00:37:39,256 SAYS HE'S SORRY THEN ♪ HE PULLS ME OUT 800 00:37:39,323 --> 00:37:41,659 I GOT A BIG CHAIN ♪ AROUND MY NECK 801 00:37:41,726 --> 00:37:45,529 AND I'M BROKEN DOWN ♪ LIKE A TRAIN WRECK 802 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:48,566 WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT ♪ BUT I CAN'T LET GO 803 00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:51,602 SEE I GOT A CANDLE ♪ AND IT BURNS SO BRIGHT 804 00:37:51,669 --> 00:37:55,172 IN MY WINDOW EVERY NIGHT ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 805 00:37:55,239 --> 00:38:00,578 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ YOU DON'T LIKE TO SEE ME 806 00:38:00,645 --> 00:38:03,648 STANDING AROUND ♪ FEEL LIKE I BEEN SHOT 807 00:38:03,714 --> 00:38:06,584 AND I DIDN'T FALL DOWN ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 808 00:38:06,651 --> 00:38:11,422 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ HE WON'T TAKE ME BACK 809 00:38:11,489 --> 00:38:14,025 WHEN I COME AROUND ♪ SAYS HE'S SORRY THEN 810 00:38:14,091 --> 00:38:15,793 HE PULLS ME OUT ♪ I GOT A BIG CHAIN 811 00:38:15,860 --> 00:38:18,562 AROUND MY NECK ♪ AND I'M BROKEN DOWN 812 00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:23,668 LIKE A TRAIN WRECK ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 813 00:38:23,734 --> 00:38:30,574 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ ♪ ♪ 814 00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:35,613 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 815 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:39,617 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 816 00:38:39,684 --> 00:38:42,553 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ TURN OFF THE TROUBLE 817 00:38:42,620 --> 00:38:44,722 LIKE YOU TURN OFF A LIGHT ♪ WENT OFF AND LEFT ME 818 00:38:44,789 --> 00:38:47,625 IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER I KNOW IT 819 00:38:47,692 --> 00:38:51,629 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ AROUND EVERY CORNER 820 00:38:51,696 --> 00:38:54,565 SOMETHING I SEE ♪ BRINGS ME RIGHT BACK 821 00:38:54,632 --> 00:38:59,637 HOW IT USED TO BE ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 822 00:38:59,704 --> 00:39:02,339 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ HE WON'T TAKE ME BACK 823 00:39:02,406 --> 00:39:05,042 WHEN I COME AROUND ♪ SAYS HE'S SORRY THEN 824 00:39:05,109 --> 00:39:06,844 HE PULLS ME OUT ♪ I GOT A BIG CHAIN 825 00:39:06,911 --> 00:39:10,147 AROUND MY NECK ♪ AND I'M BROKEN DOWN 826 00:39:10,214 --> 00:39:12,583 LIKE A TRAIN WRECK ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 827 00:39:12,650 --> 00:39:17,855 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ HE WON'T TAKE ME BACK 828 00:39:17,922 --> 00:39:19,623 WHEN I COME AROUND ♪ SAYS HE'S SORRY THEN 829 00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:23,094 HE PULLS ME OUT ♪ I GOT A BIG CHAIN 830 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:24,562 AROUND MY NECK ♪ AND I'M BROKEN DOWN 831 00:39:24,628 --> 00:39:28,132 LIKE A TRAIN WRECK ♪ WELL, IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 832 00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:35,639 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT 833 00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:42,580 BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ ♪ ♪ 834 00:39:42,646 --> 00:39:46,684 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 835 00:39:46,751 --> 00:39:52,523 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 836 00:39:52,590 --> 00:39:58,796 ♪ IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ 837 00:39:58,863 --> 00:40:03,634 ♪ IT'S OVER, I KNOW IT BUT I CAN'T LET GO ♪ 838 00:40:03,701 --> 00:40:11,642 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 839 00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:15,646 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: CHECK OUT ANOTHER 840 00:40:15,713 --> 00:40:18,182 PERFORMANCE FROM THEM ON colbertlateshow.com. 841 00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:20,951 ROBERT PLANT AND ALISON KRAUSS, EVERYBODY. 842 00:40:21,018 --> 00:40:22,753 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 843 00:40:22,820 --> 00:40:26,323 TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY ANDREW GARFIELD, LADY 844 00:40:26,390 --> 00:40:27,625 GAGA, AND CHEF JOSE ANDRES. 845 00:40:27,691 --> 00:40:29,727 GOOD NIGHT.