>> RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE GROUPS ON SOCIAL MEDIA URGING PEOPLE TO
TRY AND UNDO THEIR VACCINES.
SOME ARE PUSHING UNPROVEN AND POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS METHODS.
>> PEOPLE ARE TRYING, IN VARIOUS DIFFERENT WAYS, INCLUDING
FILLING BATHS UP WITH BORAX, LIKE THE CLEANING AGENT.
>> THE MAGNETISM!
THE IMPOTENCE!
BUT FAUCI!
BUT GIANT BALLS!
BORAX, TAKE ME AWAY!
>> SUCK OUT THE VACCINE IN THE LUXURY OF A BORAX BATH.
BORAX REMOVES THE GOVERNMENT NANOBOTS FROM YOUR BLOODSTREAM.
PLUS, YOU CAN ALSO USE IT TO CLEAN COOKWARE.
>> I'M INSANE.
T'S THE SAME SOAP J.F.K., JR. WOULD USE IF HE WERE ALIVE,
WHICH HE IS.
SO DETOX AFTER THE VAX WITH A BORAX BATH.
BORAX, LOSE YOURSELF IN STUPIDITY.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, BUILD BACK BETTER.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES PAUL RUDD AND MUSICAL GUEST STING,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( THEME SONG PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
OH, WOW!
HEY!
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP, SPARK ALSO?
GOOD TO SEE YA.
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
HELLO, CHRIS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I AM COMING --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- WE ARE BROADCASTING TO YOU ON
AN HISTORIC NIGHT BECAUSE OUR NATION'S LEADERS WERE FINALLY
ABLE TO ANSWER ONE OF THE THORNIEST QUESTIONS FACING OUR
COUNTRY: SHOULD WE HAVE ROADS?
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED
THE BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, SURROUNDED BY MEMBERS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- SURROUNDED BY MEMBERS OF
BOTH PARTIES, BOB THE BUILDER THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE, AND
TRUCKASAURUS.
THIS BILL PROVIDES FUNDING FOR EVERYTHING THAT MAKES THIS
COUNTRY GO: PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, ROADS, BRIDGES,
PORTS, RAILWAYS, POWER GRIDS, AND BROADBAND INTERNET.
BROADBAND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: THAT MEANS, THANKS TO JOE BIDEN, MORE AMERICANS
WILL HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED INTERNET, WHICH
MEANS QUICKER LOAD-TIMES FOR ALL THEIR QANON CONSPIRACY NEEDS.
"I HEAR JOE BIDEN'S ACTUALLY A SACK OF FLOUR ALIENS PUT IN A
SUIT."
( LAUGHTER ) FIXING ALL THAT CAN'T START SOON
ENOUGH.
AFTER DECADES OF INACTION, AT LEAST 45,000 BRIDGES NATIONWIDE
ARE CURRENTLY RATED IN "POOR" CONDITION.
WOW.
FOLLOW-UP -- WHICH ONCE?
( LAUGHTER ) IS IT POSSIBLE FOR WAZE TO TELL
US AHEAD OF TIME?
>> TURN LEFT AND CROSS THE ROANOKE BRIDGE.
BUT FIRST, YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF A QUESTION.
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?
WELL, DO YOU, PUNK?
>> STEPHEN: HERE'S THE THING: FUNDING ROADS AND BRIDGES DIDN'T
USED TO BE SUCH A BIG DEAL.
IN 1956, THE ORIGINAL LEGISLATION THAT CREATED THE
INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM HAD STRONG BIPARTISAN SUPPORT,
BECAUSE AS THEN-PRESIDENT EISENHOWER FAMOUSLY SAID, "WHO
DOESN'T WANNA GO VROOM VROOM REAL FAST?"
BUT NOW, NOT SO MUCH.
OUR POLITICS ARE SO PARTISAN AND BROKEN THAT THE G.O.P. HOUSE
MEMBERS WHO VOTED IN FAVOR OF INFRASTRUCTURE WERE TARGETED BY
THEIR OWN PARTY TO STRIP THEM OF THEIR HOUSE COMMITTEE
ASSIGNMENTS AND EVEN GOT DEATH THREATS.
OKAY, ARE WE JUST DEATH THREAT-ING EVERYTHING THESE
DAYS?
PRETTY SOON WE'RE GOING TO NEED A NEW GREETING CARD SECTION:
"DEATH TO A SPECIAL NEPHEW ON HIS BIRTHDAY."
PRESIDENT BIDEN NEEDS THIS INFRASTRUCTURE WIN RIGHT NOW,
BECAUSE THE ONLY THING CRUMBLING FASTER THAN OUR ROADS IS HIS
APPROVAL RATING, WHICH THE ABC/"WASHINGTON POST"/PILLSBURY
TOASTER STRUDEL POLL JUST DROPPED TO A NEW LOW OF 41%,
WHICH MEANS, IN TOTAL, HE'S LOST 11 POINTS IN APPROVAL SINCE
SPRING.
THE ONLY PERSON WITH APPROVAL PLUMMETING FASTER IS JAKE
GYLLENHAAL.
GIVE HER BACK HER SCARF, JAKE!
BUT BIDEN'S NOT LETTING THINGS LIKE THE APPROVAL OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE GET HIM DOWN, SAYING HE INTENDS TO RUN FOR
REELECTION IN 2024, EVEN THOUGH HE'D BE 86 AT THE END OF
HIS SECOND TERM.
HE'D BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO SWITCH THE RED PHONE OVER TO
CONSUMER CELLULAR.
(AS OLD PERSON) "THIS BUTTON DIALS 9-1-1, THIS
ONE DIALS MY GRANDSON, AND THIS ONE BOMBS IRAN.
OOPS, I THINK I BOMBED MY GRANDSON.
BETTER CALL 9-1-1!" IF BIDEN DOESN'T RUN, THE NEXT
PERSON IN LINE WOULD BE VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I AGREE.
LOVELY PERSON.
ONLY ONE TEENSY PROBLEM: LAST WEEK, HER APPROVAL DIPPED TO
28%.
TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE, THE MOVIE "BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN"
HAS AN APPROVAL RATING OF 29%.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, KAMALA HARRIS IS ONE PERCENT
LESS POPULAR THAN WATCHING TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS OF BATMAN
AND SUPERMAN WRESTLE EACH OTHER THEN REALIZE THEIR MOMS HAVE THE
SAME FIRST NAME, SO THEY DECIDE TO BE FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE CLOSE TO HARRIS SAY SHE'S
FRUSTRATED WITH BIDEN FOR HANDING HER "NO-WIN" ISSUES LIKE
THE BORDER CRISIS.
WAIT, WHAT?
YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT BEING VICE PRESIDENT IS A THANKLESS
JOB WITH NO REAL POWER?
YOUR RESPONSE, VICE PRESIDENT MEYER?
>> YOU THINK?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, WHY DOESN'T SHE RUN?
I WOULD VOTE FOR HER.
>> STEPHEN: BUT HARRIS CLAIMS SHE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT 2024
RIGHT NOW, AND IS INSTEAD FOCUSED ON BEING "JOE BIDEN'S
JOE BIDEN."
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS RAMBLY AND REPETITIVE, SO... GOAL ACHIEVED.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, HEY -- HEY, YOU GUYS -- HEY,
YOU GUYS REMEMBER JANUARY 6th?
THERE MAY FINALLY BE SOME ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ATTEMPTING TO
DESTROY DEMOCRACY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST A LITTLE.
A LITTLE WOULD BE NICE.
BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL GRAND JURY
INDICTED STEVE BANNON ON CONTEMPT CHARGES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S REAL.
STEVE BANNON -- STEVE BANNON MIGHT FINALLY FACE JUSTICE AND,
IF HE GOES TO PRISON, FINALLY TAKE A SHOWER.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MORNING, BANNON SURRENDERED
TO THE F.B.I. IN WASHINGTON, AND DURING THE PERP WALK, HE SAID
THIS: >> I JUST WANT TO SAY-- TELL
EVERYBODY THAT LIVE STREAM ON GETTR RIGHT NOW.
EVERYBODY WATCHING IN THE WAR ROOM, WE'RE HERE TODAY.
I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TAKE THEIR EYE OFF THE BALL OF WHAT
WE DO EVERY DAY.
OKAY?
YOU GOT RAHEEM KASSAM TODAY, YOU GOT DR. PETER NAVARRO, CAPTAIN
BANNON.
>> STEPHEN: HE DID A PROMO FOR HIS PODCAST ON HIS WAY TO JAIL.
REMINDS ME OF THAT PRESS POOL WITH LEE HARVEY OSWALD:
>> I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY "I AM A PATSY," AND THE HOST OF "BIG LEE
HARVEY'S MORNING ZOO CREW WITH CASTRO AND THE GOOCH!"
>> THE GOOCH!
(BOING) (TOILET FLUSHING)
>> Stephen: YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THAT.
NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THAT PART.
>> Jon: HMM.
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS A VERY
COMPLICATED LEGAL CASE.
LET'S SEE IF I CAN BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU: CONGRESS SUBPOENAED
BANNON TO TESTIFY.
HE SAID NO, AND THAT'S ILLEGAL ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, IT'S LESS COMPLICATED THAN I THOUGHT.
BANNON REFUSED TO TESTIFY BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DIRECTED HIM "NOT TO PRODUCE DOCUMENTS OR GIVE TESTIMONY THAT
MIGHT REVEAL INFORMATION."
AND NOW, BANNON'S FACING UP TO TWO YEARS IN PRISON OUT OF
LOYALTY.
TO THIS GUY.
WHICH IS SURPRISING CONSIDERING THE FORMER PRESIDENT
ONCE TWEETED, "SLOPPY STEVE BANNON CRIED WHEN HE GOT FIRED
AND BEGGED FOR HIS JOB.
NOW SLOPPY STEVE HAS BEEN DUMPED LIKE A DOG BY ALMOST EVERYONE.
TOO BAD!" ( LAUGHTER )
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT -- THAT THE GUY YOU'RE GOING TO
JAIL FOR?
STEVE, MEET ME AT THE "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CAM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STEVE, DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT YOU THE SECOND IT WAS
CONVENIENT?
RESPECT YOURSELF AND MOVE ON.
LOOK AT YOU.
NO, DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I KNOW YOU MISS HIM, BUT
THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER DICTATORS IN THE SEA!
PLUS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET BACK THE SCARF THAT YOU LEFT AT
HIS SISTER'S HOUSE.
AND YES, I MAY HAVE LISTENED TO "RED: TAYLOR'S VERSION" TOO MUCH
THIS WEEKEND.
POINT IS, THERE'S NO NEED TO GO TO JAIL FOR JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
I MEAN THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LISTEN TO IT A LOT.
NOT EVERYONE B, CLEARLY.
( APPLAUSE ) CONGRESS SUBPOENAED BANNON TO
HEAR ABOUT THE LEAD UP TO JANUARY 6 AND THE BEHAVIOR OF
FORMER PRESIDENT, DINGUS CON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT IT
EVERY DAY THANKS TO JONATHAN KARL'S BOOK "BETRAYAL."
KARL JUST RELEASED AUDIO OF A CONVERSATION FOR THE BOOK IN
WHICH THE FORMER PRESIDENT CONFIRMS HE CALLED MIKE PENCE
THE P-WORD.
>> THERE WAS A REPORT, EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE.
>> GO AHEAD.
>> NOT MINE, IT WAS IN THE REPORT.
>> YEAH.
>> THAT YOU TALKED TO HIM THAT MORNING AND YOU SAID, YOU CAN BE
A PATRIOT OR YOU CAN BE A (BLEEP).
DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT, OR IS THAT INCORRECT?
>> I WOULDN'T DISPUTE IT.
>> REALLY?
>> I WOULDN'T DISPUTE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WE ALL KNOW THAT THE
WORD FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES EXACTLY WHAT THEIR BULLY TELLS
THEM TO DO: PATRIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) KARL ALSO ASKED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT IF HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIS VEEP DURING THE
ATTACK ON THE CAPITAL: >> WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIM
DURING THAT SIEGE?
WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIS SAFETY?
>> NO.
I THOUGHT HE WAS WELL PROTECTED, AND I HAD HEARD THAT HE WAS IN
GOOD SHAPE.
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE HE WAS IN GOOD SHAPE.
RUNNING AWAY FROM A MOB IS EXCELLENT CARDIO.
KARL CONTINUED.
>> BECAUSE YOU HEARD THOSE CHANTS.
THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THOSE-- >> HE COULD HAVE-- WELL, THE
PEOPLE WERE VERY ANGRY.
>> THEY WERE SAYING "HANG MIKE PENCE."
>> BECAUSE IT'S COMMON SENSE.
>> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE SIGN IN DAD'S WORK SHOP.
"MEASURE TWICE, HANG MIKE PENCE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT KARL'S ISN'T THE ONLY NEW
BOOK SPILLING THE TEA.
FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE HAS WRITTEN ONE CALLED
"REPUBLICAN RESCUE: SAVING THE PARTY FROM TRUTH DENIERS
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS, AND THE DANGEROUS POLICIES OF JOE
BIDEN."
ONE OF THOSE THREATS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS.
"WE MUST STAND UP AGAINST ANTI-VAXXERS, QANON FOLLOWERS,
AND RURAL BROADBAND."
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE BOOK, CHRISTIE REVEALS
THE SEVERITY OF HIS OWN CORONAVIRUS INFECTION, ONE HE
CAUGHT AFTER BEING AT THE WHITE HOUSE AROUND THE SAME TIME THAT
THE EX-PRESIDENT AND SEVERAL OTHER AIDES CONTRACTED COVID-19.
MAKES SENSE.
YOU HANG AROUND THAT WHITE HOUSE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET
EXPOSED TO SOME NASTY STUFF.
ALSO, COVID.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE HOSPITALIZED, CHRISTIE GOT
A CALL FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT WHO DIDN'T ASK HOW HE WAS DOING
BUT INSTEAD ASKED, "ARE YOU GONNA SAY YOU GOT IT FROM ME?"
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S A HELL OF A FRIEND.
IT'S LIKE SIGNING SOMEONE'S CAST, "TELL ANYONE I THREW YOU
DOWN THE STAIRS, AND I'LL BREAK THE OTHER ARM."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS PAUL RUDD.
PLUS A PERFORMANCE BY STING.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT'S UP?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
JON, WE HAVE SUCH A WONDERMENT OF GUESTS THIS EVENING.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: WE'RE STARTING OFF TONIGHT STRONG AND HOT.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WITH PEOPLES SEXIEST MAN ALIVE MR. PAUL RUDD
HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THERE YOU GO.
>> Stephen: WE'VE HAD TO HAVE THE COUCH SCOTCH GUARDED JUST SO
WE CAN HOSE OFF THE SEXY AFTERWARDS.
>> Jon: THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY THAT, THEN AFTER THAT WE HAVE STING
HERE TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMEHOW --
>> Jon: SOMEHOW THE SAME NIGHT.
>> Stephen: -- SOMEHOW NOT THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND I'VE SEEN HIM IN THE FLESH, THE MAN IS STILL
VERY SEXY.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEXY OVERLOAD.
WE NEED STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS BROUGHT IN HERE JUST TO CHECK
OUT THE SEXY -- RAFTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, NO, BUT, HEY, LISTEN, JON,
ALSO, HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT "THE LATE SHOW" PODCAST?
>> Jon: YES, IT'S THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" BUT A PODCAST.
>> Jon: YES, THE "LATE SHOW" POD SHOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S AVAILABLE BURNING UP THE CHARTS.
HERE'S THE THING -- THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE RIGHT NOW WHO ARE,
TOMORROW, LISTENING TO OUR CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW ABOUT
THERE BEING A PODCAST ON THE PODCAST.
THEY'RE ALL GOING, YEAH, WE KNOW IT'S A PODCAST.
I'M LISTENING TO THE PODCAST RIGHT NOW.
GET ON WITH THE SHOW.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: AM I ALLOWED TO TALK TO JON ABOUT THE BEATLES
THING.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHY?
DID YOU SIGN AN NDA.
>> Stephen: NO, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING.
PAUL -- I WATCHED THE ENTIRE BEATLES GET BACK THAT PETER
JACKSON CUT THIS WEEKEND.
LORDY HAVE MERCY, I WANT TOT WATCH IT WITH A MUSICIAN.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, INTIMATE.
A, I LOVE THE BEATLES.
B, I LOVE PROCESS, WATCHING HOW THINGS GET MADE.
C, I LOVE HOW IT MAKES THESE GREAT ARTISTS SO COMPLEXLY AND
MESSILY HUMAN WITH EACH OTHER.
>> MMM.
>> Stephen: AND HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.
IT'S GOING TO REWRITE HOW THE BEATLES -- DO YOU KNOW BILLY
PRESTON WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ON AWAY.
>> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
BILIPRESTON WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE ALBUM.
HE WAS STOPPING BY BECAUSE HE WAS A FRIEND OF GEORGE
HARRISONS.
HE JUST WALKS IN AND THEY WERE, LIKE, HEY, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
WE NEED PIANO BUT WE'RE DOING IT LIVE SO WE CAN'T DO OVERDUB, WE
NEED PIANO, COULD YOU PLAY?
HE SAID, SURE.
LOTS OF SMOKING THERE.
THEY SAID, GREAT, YOU'RE IN THE BAND.
COULD YOU BE HERE THE REST OF THE MONTH WORKING WITH US?
HE GOES, LIKE THAT, AND HE CHANGES THE ENTIRE ATMOSPHERE OF
THE BAND.
HE ELEVATES EVERYTHING.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL TO WATCH.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.
>> Jon: MAN...
I NEED TO SEE THAT.
CAN YOU SHARE IT?
>> Stephen: I CANNOT.
BECAUSE THEM DISNEY + ( BLEEP ARE SERIOUS.
I'M NOT JOKING.
>> Jon: DISNEY +.
>> Stephen: AND NOT ONLY -- ( LAUGHTER )
NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE TO GET A LINK AND THEN YOU HAVE TO SIGN
IN WITH A SPECIAL CODE THAT YOU HAVE SIGNED UP WITH AND THEN
THAT GOES TO A SPECIAL CODE GOES TO SOMEONE ELSE AND THAT PERSON
HAS TO TEXT IT TO YOU WITHIN 30 SECONDS OF THEM RECEIVING IT,
YOU'VE GOT TO GET IT AND PUT IT IN AND WATCH IT, BUT GOD HELP
YOU IF YOU PAUSE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO IT OVER AGAIN AND YOU
HAVE TO SIGN AN NDA.
I'VE NEVER GONE TO WATCH SOMETHING AND AN NDA CAME UP AND
I HAD TO LEGALLY SIGN IT, SO YOU WON'T GO ON TV AND TELL JON
BATISTE THAT BILLY PRESTON WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE
ALBUM.
HAVE I JUST -- WHAT?
OKAY, SO AM I SUED OR FIRED?
WHICH OF THE TWO?
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT, PLEASE, EVERYONE GO
WATCH IT.
>> Jon: SOUND LIKE THEY GOT A LOT OF FOOT AN, A LOT OF ACCESS.
>> Stephen: 57 HOURS.
>> Jon: 57 HOURS.
>> Stephen: CUT DOWN TO ABOUT EIGHT HOURS.
>> Jon: MAN.
>> Stephen: SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE PAUL COME IN FOR THE FIRST
TIME AND GO, WELL, I WROTE THIS LAST NIGHT, SEE IF YOU LIKE IT.
♪ WHEN I FIND MYSELF IN TIMES OF TROUBLE -- ♪
AND WE WANT TO SCREAM IT'S THE GREATEST SONG EVER, EVERYBODY
SHUT UP AND LISTEN!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: THAT'S A GIFT TO THE
CREATORS.
>> Stephen: WE SHOULD DO A COMMERCIAL BREAK?
ALL RIGHT, BACK WITH THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, PAUL RUDD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- GET BACK!
SIT BACK!
RELAX.
PUT ON YOUR WEIGHTED BLANKET BECAUSE MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
FUNNY ACTOR A MARVEL SUPERHERO AND JUST LAST WEEK HE WAS NAMED
"PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," PAUL RUDD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> OH, PLEASE -- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
REALLY, YOU ARE TOO KIND.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: STANDING OVATION.
WOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I MEAN, I'M BLOWN AWAY.
BLOWN AWAY!
>> Stephen: BY LAW, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SIT WHILE THE SEXIEST
MAN IS STANDING.
>> OH.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
HAS BEING NAMED "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE --
WE HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OF THIS THING!
>> Stephen: SO IT HASN'T CHANGED YOU AT ALL?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> Stephen: STILL THE SAME GUY?
>> LOOK, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST HONORED TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR
SOMETHING BESIDES MY TALENT AND HUMILITY.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
WELL, THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF HEADLINES ABOUT IT.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF REACTION.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS SO EXCITED TO PARTNER WITH YOU
FOR THIS ANNOUNCEMENT NEXT WEEK IS -- PLEASE, MAKE YOURSELF FEEL
COMFORTABLE.
>> FEELS RUDE TO WEAR A TIARA.
>> Stephen: I'LL PUT THIS IN THE BOX DOWN HERE.
THANK YOU.
>> LEAVE IT ON?
>> Stephen: IF THEY'RE GOOD, YOU CAN PUT IT BACK ON.
>> ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S ODDLY ONE OF
THE THINGS THAT EVERYONE STILL CARES ABOUT.
LIKE THE "TIME" MAN OF THE YEAR, WHO GIVES A DAMN, BUT SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE, I IT STILL HAS A CULTURAL IMPACT.
FIRST OF ALL, I'VE GOT TO ASK YOU, THE BIG QUESTION IS HOW DO
YOU BECOME THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE OTHER THAN BEING SEXY?
HOW DO YOU FIND OUT?
>> I FOUND OUT I GOT AN EMAIL ABOUT IT, AND I --
>> Stephen: A COLD EMAIL.
OUT OF THE BLUE.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T LOBBY FOR THIS?
>> NO!
IT WAS SHOCKING.
I HAD TO READ IT.
I SAID, WHAT?
I READ IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT SAY?
IT SAYS, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, THERE'S BEEN AN
ERROR IN THE JUDGING -- >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
-- BUT SOMEHOW -- >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
NOT AT ALL.
LOOK, THIS IS THE GUARDIAN, DO YOU FANCY PAUL RUDD?
YOU'RE EITHER A SOCIOPATH OR A LIAR IF YOU SAY NO.
COME ON.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE GUARDIAN, FIRST OF ALL, FOR
HIRING MY MOM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU WANT YOUR MOM TO SAY YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE?
>> WELL -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, THE GUARDIAN, THAT'S
VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IF YOU READ AN ARTICLE BY THE GUARDIAN -- IF YOU EVER READ AN
ARDIAN BY -- >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT
THEY'RE CALLED.
>> I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE READ THEM ONLINE AND AFTERWARD THEY SAY IF
YOU WOULD LIKE TO HELP CONTRIBUTE TO JOURNALISM FOR THE
GUARDIAN WE WOULD APPRECIATE IT.
I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD.
I WILL.
>> Stephen: THE NEW YORK POST-, I WANT TO POINT OUT, SAID
CHRIS EVANS WAS GOING TO BE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
>> WELL, THAT CERTAINLY MAKES SENSE, BUT I --
>> Stephen: THEY SAID THEY HAD MULTIPLE SOURCES.
PEOPLE SAID, NO, DON'T RUN THAT AND THEY RAN IT AND THEY'RE
WRONG AND THEY'RE BITTER BECAUSE THEY SAID, SORRY, PAUL RUDD IS
MANY THINGS BUT SEXIEST MAN ALIVE IS NOT ONE OF THEM.
I'M SORRY, BUT THAT HURTS.
>> HEY, THAT MIGHT BE THE FIRST THING I EVER READ IN THE
NEW YORK POST THAT I AGREE WITH.
>> Stephen: FACT CHECKS?
THAT IS NOT FAKE NEWS.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE HOGWARTS, YOU JUST GET THE
INVITATION, YOU DON'T HAVE IN I WARNING.
>> NO WARNING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SEXY, HARRY!
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS HONORED TO BE PART OF THE
PROCESS OF ANNOUNCING THAT YOU HAD BECOME THE SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE.
>> OH, WELL, THAT WAS -- ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS FUN.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS AN HONOR.
THE HONOR WAS MINE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF PART OF THE VETTING
PROCESS THAT YOU WERE PUT THROUGH TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU
HAD THE SEXY GOODS.
>> RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: JIM?
UP, UP, GOOD.
SIT PROUD.
CHIN UP, HAWRCHS, HAWNCHS.
BACK, GOOD, GOOD.
GOT TO CHECK THOSE TEETH.
HERE WE GO.
LET'S CHECK YOUR COAT.
THAT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
AND -- ( CLICKING )
THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
AND ARMS.
AND ARM, AND THAT'S GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S GOOD.
AND LEGS.
LEGS.
AND HOLD IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) MY FAVORITE PART OF IT --
>> Stephen: YEAH?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I JUST LOVE HOW SERIOUS YOU ARE.
GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR CEMETERY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A FAIR AMOUNT OF INBREEDING IN THE
SEXIEST MAN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A TOUGH JUDGE.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO GIVE ME THE RASPBERRY N MY
STOMACH.
>> THAT'S THE REACTION TIME.
>> Stephen: TO BE A JUDGE YOU HAVE TO CHECK OUT EVERY PART.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A HINT OF HIP DYSPLASIA.
>> THANKS FOR NOT HOLDING THAT AGAINST ME.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, A STORY ABOUT PAUL AND SETH
ROGEN AND A MASSAGE.
JOIN US.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH PAUL RUDD, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE.
PAUL, I WANTED TO POINT OUT AT SEXY AT EVERY AGE, UNDER 57, WHO
IS THE SEXY MAN AT 57?
>> OH, I'M LOOKING AT HIM.
>> Stephen: STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST SAYING...
THERE'S A STORY THAT SETH ROGEN TOLD THIS SUMMER AND HAS NOT
BEEN FACT CHECKED.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, YOU HAVE NOT COMMENTED ON THIS AND I WANTED
TO GET THE SCOOP ON THIS.
SETH ROGEN, THIS IS A TWEET OF HIS.
ONCE I WAS IN A SPA IN A HOTEL IN VIOLATION GETTING A MASSAGE
AND I TURNED OVER AND TO MY SHOCK, PAUL RUDD WAS MASSAGING
ME.
HE CONVINCED THE MASSEUSE TO LET HIM TAKE OVER THINKING I WOULD
NOTICE AND I DIDN'T AND PAUL RUDD DID THE ENTIRE REST OF IT.
( APPLAUSE ) PAUL RUDD, DID THAT HAPPEN?
>> THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED.
THAT WAS TRUE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE OCCASION YOU WERE IN THE SPA AND
SAW SETH ROGEN?
WALK ME THROUGH IT.
>> I THINK WE WERE FILMING A SCENE FROM "KNOCKED UP" AND WE
HAD TO SHOOT IT IN LAS VEGAS AND WE WERE IN THE GYM SPA, HOURS
BEFORE SHOOTING, AND I KNEW HE WENT TO GET A MASSAGE AND SAID
TO THEM -- I JUST WENT IN DURING, HE JUST STARTED.
>> Stephen: DID YOU TAP HER OUT AND KEEP GOING.
>> IT WAS LIKE AN INDIANA JONES WHEN HE TAKES THE IDOL AWAY AND
PUTS THE BAG OF SAND.
IT WAS LIKE KIND OF A -- AND, SO JUST KEEP THIS GOING.
BUT HE JUST -- WELL, TO BE FAIR, HE WAS FACE DOWN.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND HIGH.
>> YEAH.
LET'S GET REAL.
PROBABLY LESS OF A COMMENT ON MY OWN MASSAGING ABILITY THAN IT IS
THAT HE WAS STONED OUT OF HIS MIND.
>> Stephen: AND IF HE DIDN'T -- YOU MUST BE PRETTY
GOOD.
>> I'M OKAY.
I'M A PRETTY GOOD MASSEUSE.
>> Stephen: IT TAKES EMPATHY TO BE A GOOD MASSEUR, I THINK.
>> I WAS, YOU KNOW, DOING HIS SHOULDERS AND ARMS AND HE IS NOT
EYES, AND THEN I WAS -- I -- AND THEN I JUST STARTED MASSAGING
HIS FACE.
AND THEN, EVENTUALLY, HE KIND OF OPENED HIS EYES AND SAID --
( MAKING SETH NOISES ) BUT I MA SAND HIM FOR AT LEAST
40 MINUTES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO?
IS IT ALL THUMBS?
ELBOWS?
>> I DO BOTH.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
NO, LIKE -- DO YOU HAVE A KNOT?
>> Stephen: YES, I ACTUALLY DO IN MY SHOULDER.
>> WHERE?
>> Stephen: RIGHT UP HERE.
( CHEERING ) >> I MEAN, IF YOU WOULD LIKE,
YOU CAN LAY DOWN ON THE DESK.
( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( WHISTLING )
>> THERE'S THE LAVENDER SCENTED KLEENEX.
SO WHERE IS YOUR KNOT?
>> Stephen: UP LEFT.
UP LEFT.
>> I'LL FIND IT.
I'LL FIND IT.
( STEPHEN GROANING ) >> Stephen: SO LET'S TALK
ABOUT "GHOSTBUSTERS."
>> LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, I WAS A FUN OF "GHOSTBUSTERS."
I LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS "GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE."
>> BREATHE THROUGH IT, BREATHE THROUGH IT.
WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW IS I'M TRYING TO BREAK UP THE FASSIA.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, YOU'VE GOT TO RELEASE ALL THE LACTIC
ACID IN THERE.
>> IN THE ORIGINAL I WAS BLOWN AWAY BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY, BUT
IT WAS STAIRY.
>> Stephen: PAUL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
>> WHAT'S THAT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS REALLY SEXY.
THIS IS REALLY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ARE WE GOING TO SPLIT THE GRATUITY ON THE HOTEL ROOM?
>> IT'S ALL INCLUDED.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
GETTING BACK TO "GHOSTBUSTERS" --
>> DO YOU FEEL.
>> Stephen: I WISH EVERY GUEST WOULD DO THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT GOING TO DO THIS WHO REALLY SHOULD?
>> ZING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW FOR A FACT, STING WILL GET YOUR FEET, STING WILL
GET YOUR KNEES -- OFTEN OVERLOOKED --
>> Stephen: BACK OF THE KNEES, YEP.
WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE, BACK WITH MORE P PAUL RUDD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH
PAUL RUDD.
YOU STAR IN "GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE."
DID YOU HAVE A FAVORITE OF THE FOUR GUYS?
BECAUSE FOR ME, IT WAS HAROLD.
>> OH, GOSH, SUCH A HUGE HAROLD RAMUS FAN.
THAT'S A MOY WHERE YOU WATCH AND GO EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN IT IS
BRILLIANT, AND I FELT THAT WAY AND FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT
EVERYBODY, INCLUDING NOT JUST ALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS, BUT RICK
AND ALL ACROSS THE BOARDCH IT'S INTERESTING TO ALL OF A SUDDEN
KNOW THIS MOVIE MY WHOLE LIFE AND GET TO WORK WON IT WITH
JASON WRIGHTMAN WHOSE FATHER DIRECTED THE ORIGINAL.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT HAROLD RAMUS.
>> Stephen: YOU KNEW HAROLD.
I MET HIM.
HE PLAYED SETH'S DAD IN KNOCKED-UP.
HE WAS SUCH A LOVELY GUY, AS YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A COMEDY FAN,
ANYTHING ANY COMEDY ENTHUSIAST KNOWS JUST WHAT AN IMPORTANT
FIGURE HE IS IN THE WORLD OF COMEDY.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, HE WAS ALSO SECOND CITY.
>> SECOND -- YEAH.
>> Stephen: COULD HAVE PICKED A MODEL.
RAMUS WAS A MODEL.
>> RAMUS, A BRILLIANT GUY, AN AMAZING DIRECTOR, HIS BODY OF
WORK HE LEFT BEHIND.
>> Stephen: AND A LOVELY FELLOW.
>> THE SWEETEST PERSON.
I GOT TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH HIM AND HE WAS REALLY
FORTHCOMING ABOUT HIS LIFE AND TALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW,
DIFFERENT PEOPLE HE'S WORKED WITH AND THERE WAS SOMETHING
KIND OF SPECIAL, JUST I THINK IF YOU ENTERED HIS ORBIT A LITTLE
BIT YOU KIND OF GOT SUCKED INTO IT AND THOUGHT, MAN, THIS GUY IS
INCREDIBLE.
SO KIND OF BEING AROUND ALL OF THIS NOW, YEAH, MAKES ME MISS
HIM.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE IN A GROCERY STORE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I DO KNOW WHAT IT IS, YES.
I ACTUALLY DO.
>> Stephen: I DID, TOO.
BUT WE WERE PLAYING THAT GAME.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHERE I WAS ALLOWING YOU TO SET UP YOUR
MOVIE WHEN I COULD HAVE DONE IT AND YOU COULD LEAVE.
>> I REALLY DID FORGET WHAT THE CLIP WAS.
I'M IN A GROCERY STORE AND -- >> Stephen: I DON'T CARE
ANYMORE.
>> JUST SHOW THE DAMN THING.
>> Stephen: PLAY IT.
TRAWBERRY, RED VELVET, BLUE VELVET --
( LAUGHTER ) >> AAAHHH!
( GHOSTS LAUGHING AND SCREAMING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: "GHOSTBUSTERS:
AFTERLIFE" IS IN THEATERS FRIDAY, AND "THE SHRINK NEXT
DOOR IS STREAMING RIGHT NOW ON APPLE TV.
PAUL RUDD, EVERYBODY.
YOU STAY SEXY, BUDDY.
>> Stephen: HIS ALBUM, "THE BRIDGE" COMES OUT FRIDAY.
HERE PERFORMING "RUSHING WATER," STING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I
HAD THIS DREAM ♪ THAT WAKES ME FROM
MY SLUMBER?
♪ HOW WILL I EVER GET TO SLEEP AGAIN
♪ COUNTING SHEEP IN A BOOK OF NUMBERS?
♪ HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD THIS DREAM
♪ WITH YOU WALKING TOWARDS ME FROM THE RIVER?
♪ AND WHEN WILL I EVER GET TO REST AGAIN
♪ WONDERING IF I CAN DELIVER?
THIS IS THE SOUND OF ♪ RUSHING WATER
FLOODING THROUGH MY BRAIN ♪ THIS IS THE SOUND OF
GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER ♪ CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
THIS IS THE SOUND OF ♪ ATMOSPHERES
THREE METRIC TONNES ♪ OF PRESSURE
THIS IS THE SUM OF ♪ ALL MY FEARS
SOMETHING I JUST CAN'T ♪ MEASURE
I REMEMBER THE STORY OF JONAH ♪ HE WAS TRAPPED IN THE
BELLY OF A WHALE ♪ HOW MANY TIMES MUST
HE SUCCEED?
♪ HOW MANY TIMES MUST HE FAIL?
♪ THIS IS THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
♪ FLOODING THROUGH MY BRAIN THIS IS THE SOUND OF
♪ GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
♪ THIS IS THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
♪ FLOODING THROUGH MY BRAIN THIS IS THE SOUND OF
♪ GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
♪ I'LL SEE MY SHRINK ON AN ANALYST'S COUCH
♪ HIT ME WITH A HAMMER AND I'LL SAY, "OUCH"
♪ WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS SO EASY TO SOLVE
♪ JUST TAKES A FIRM PURPOSE AND SOME RESOLVE
♪ THIS IS THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
♪ FLOODING THROUGH MY BRAIN THIS IS THE SOUND OF
♪ GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
♪ THIS IS THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
♪ FLOODING THROUGH MY BRAIN THIS IS THE SOUND OF
♪ GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
♪ YOUR NAME, YOUR NAME YOUR NAME, YOUR NAME
♪ YOUR NAME, YOUR NAME YOUR NAME, YOUR
♪ EASE INTO THE WATER FLOODING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN
♪ EASE INTO THE WATER CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
♪ EASE INTO THE WATER FLOODING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN
♪ EASE INTO THE WATER ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, STING.
S THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE NEW YORK CITY MAYOR
ELECT ERIC ADAMS AND THREE TIME N.B.A. CHAMPION DWYANE WADE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.