>> THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC HAS DEALT A SETBACK IN THE FIGHT
AGAINST PLASTIC POLLUTION.
BANS ON PLASTIC BAGS AND OTHER SINGLE-USE ITEMS HAVE BEEN
TOSSED OUT FOR HYGIENE REASONS.
IN ADDITION, PERSONAL PROTECTIVE GEAR IS ENDING UP IN OCEANS
AROUND THE WORLD.
>> COME ON IN TO RED LOBSTER FOR PLASTICFEST, AND SATISFY YOUR
CRAVINGS WITH DISHES LIKE FACE MASK SCAMPY, SURF 'N GLOVE
COMBO, AND UNLIMITED POPCORN NEEDLES.
STILL HUNGRY FOR MORE?
HOW ABOUT SWABSTER BISQUE, CHEDDAR PURELL BISCUITS, AND OUR
WILD-CAUGHT DUNGENESS WIPES.
YOU WON'T LEAVE HUNGRY OR IN THE MOOD FOR SEAFOOD EVER AGAIN.
SO VISIT RED LOBSTER'S PLASTICFEST TODAY.
COME HUNGRY, LEAVE VERY UPSET.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
JEFF GOLDBLUM AND MUSICAL GUEST ROD STEWART
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
OH, HEY!
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY.
IT'S FRIDAY.
THAT'S IT.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: COME ON!
HUNKER DOWN WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL FRIDAY "LATE SHOW," WITH OUR
EXCLUSIVE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE ONLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM
BLACK FRIDAY, AND SHOPPING MAY BE EVEN CRAZIER THAN IN PREVIOUS
YEARS.
WORKERS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY, AND BUSINESSES ARE GETTING DESPERATE
FOR STAFF.
SOME COMPANIES HAVE STARTED TO REMOVE NEARLY EVERY HIRING
REQUIREMENT, FROM DRUG TESTS TO BACKGROUND CHECKS.
THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
AFTER ALL SKIPPING DRUG TESTS AND MENTAL HEALTH EXAMS IS HOW
TESLA FOUND THEIR C.E.O.
COMPANIES-- ( APPLAUSE )
HI, ELAN.
COMPANIES ARE ALSO CHANGING THEIR EDUCATION RULES.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO, 42% OF INSURANCE SALES JOB LISTINGS
CALLED FOR A BACHELOR'S DEGREE, AND NOW ONLY 26% DO.
OF COURSE, TIME HAS PROVEN YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SMART TO SELL
INSURANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, WE'VE GOT IN SOME-- TOOK A SECOND,TOOK A LITTLE--
WE'VE GOT SOME SCARY NEWS FROM OVERSEAS.
RECENTLY, U.S. SATELLITES SPOTTED THAT CHINA HAS BUILT
MOCKUPS OF U.S. NAVY SHIPS IN AN AREA USED FOR MISSILE TARGET
PRACTICE.
THEY BUILT THE MISSILES IN THE DESERT.
HERE'S THE GUIDED MISSILE DESTROYER.
THEY ALSO HAVE AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
WAIT A SECOND.
JIM, PULL OUT.
WHY IS THAT ON A GRID?
OH, NO!
THEY SUNK OUR BATTLESHIP!
( HORN BLOWING ) CHINA'S ANTI-SHIP MISSILE SYSTEM
IS RUN BY A GROUP CALLED THE PEOPLE'S LIBERATION ARMY ROCKET
FORCE OR "PLARF" -- ALSO THE NAME OF THE LESSER KNOWN,
CHINESE BOOTLEG VERSION OF ALF.
( LAUGHTER ) AND PLARF HAS GONE HIGH TECH,
BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE THESE MODELS.
THEY BUILT A SIX-METER-WIDE RAIL SYSTEM WITH A SHIP-SIZED TARGET
MOUNTED ON IT, WHICH COULD BE USED TO SIMULATE A MOVING
VESSEL.
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS DEEPLY TROUBLING-- ALSO, A LOT OF FUN!
CHINA, PLEASE PUT IT IN DISNEY SHANGHAI, AND ALL IS FORGIVEN.
SPEAKING OF OPPRESSIVE REGIMES: TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER THIS WEEK, THEY UNVEILED
A NEW PRODUCT IN AMERICA, THE COMPANY'S SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE,
CALLED "TWITTER BLUE."
THAT IS THE NEW NAME, NOT AS I THOUGHT, THE PAST SENSE OF THE
PHRASE "TWITTER BLOWS."
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THREE--
( APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
♪ ♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO.
FOR THREE BUCKS A MONTH, YOU'LL GET FEATURES LIKE AN "UNDO
TWEET" FEATURE THAT LETS PEOPLE SET A 30-SECOND TIMER BEFORE THE
TWEET GETS POSTED, SO THEY CAN REVISE ANY TYPOS OR ANY OTHER
MISTAKES.
THIS IS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.
THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT, UP TILL NOW, WOULD BE TO WAIT 30 SECONDS
BEFORE POSTING YOUR TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF TROLLS, THE FEDS ARE
CATCHING UP TO THOSE WHO TOOK PART IN THE INSURRECTION ON
JANUARY 6.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
ROUNDUP ROUND UP."
>> IT BEHOOVES US TO ARREST THESE FOALS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, HORSEY.
THE FIRST DINGUS GETTING THE BOOK THROWN AT HIM IS FLORIDA
MAN AND MEMBER OF SEAL-TEAM FANNY PACK, JEREMY BROWN.
BACK BEFORE THE RIOT BEGAN, BROWN WAS MAKING PLANS AND
TRYING TO RECRUIT FOLKS TO JOIN HIM.
SO HE POSTED ONLINE, "WE HAVE A R.V. AND VAN GOING!
PLENTY OF GUN PORTS LEFT TO FILL.
WE CAN PICK YOU UP."
WELL, IF WHAT HE WANTS IS TO BE SQUEEZED INTO A TINY BOX WITH
OTHER CRIMINALS, HE'S ABOUT TO GET HIS WISH.
NEXT UP ON THE PARADE OF IDIOTS, TEXAS REALTOR AND BROKEN WOMAN
NEXT TO A BROKEN WINDOW, JENNA RYAN.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, RYAN STORMEDLY THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT
DIDN'T THINK SHE'D GET PUNISHED.
IN FACT, IN MARCH, SHE TWEETED, "DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO JAIL.
SORRY, I HAVE BLONDE HAIR, WHITE SKIN, A GREAT JOB, A GREAT
FUTURE, AND I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL."
( BOOING ) AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT I'M SAYING
NEXT.
AND YET, IT' STILL SO FUN.
BECAUSE JENNA RYAN, THE WOMAN WHO SAID SHE'S NOT GOING TO
JAIL, WAS JUST SENTENCED TO TWO MONTHS IN JAIL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH... OH...
( APPLAUSE ) OH, THE IRONY...
BARS SHE'S GOING TO BE LOCKED BEHIND.
OF COURSE, JUST LIKE THE CRIME THAT GOT HER THROWN IN PRISON,
JENNA RYAN POSTED ABOUT GETTING LOCKED UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
>> YES, I'M GOING TO PRISON, EVERYONE.
I'M GOING TO PRISON BECAUSE OF A TWEET THAT SAID I'M NOT GOING TO
PRISON.
BUT IT WAS A REPLY.
IT WAS A REPLY TO A TWEET.
I SAID I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON, BUT I WAS TALKING TO A HATER.
AND, UNFORTUNATELY, THE D.O.J.
SAW IT AND THEN THEY SAID, "NO, YOU ARE GOING TO PRISON."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ACTUALLY, NO, YOU'RE
GOING TO PRISON FOR BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL.
YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE WITH A TWEET.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME FEATURE WHERE YOU HAD 30 SECONDS TO UNDO
A TWEET!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S-- THERE'S A MARKET--
>> Jon: THE PROBLEM IS BLOWING IN THE WEND.
>> Stephen: NEXT UP ON THE ROUND-UP GIDDY-UP, EDUARDO
NICOLAS ALVEAR GONZALEZ, KNOWN ONLINE AS THE "CAPITOL ROTUNDA
DOOBIE SMOKER."
( AS STONER ) "DUDE, I WAS LISTENING TO MY
MYPILLOW, AND IT SAID THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY HUGO
CHAVEZ'S GHOST.
STOP THE STEAL.
AND START THE MEAL.
I'M STARVING.
HEY, YOU GONNA EAT ALL THAT PODIUM, BRO?"
GONZALEZ PLED GUILTY AND IS AWAITING SENTENCING, SUBJECT TO
CERTAIN CONDITIONS OF RELEASE, INCLUDING NO INTERNATIONAL
TRAVEL.
BUT HE WANTED TO AMEND THAT, WITH HIS LAWYER EXPLAINING THAT
GONZALEZ "HAS BEEN INVITED BY A FRIEND TO SPEND THE HOLIDAY
SEASON, AT NO COST, IN LONDON, ENGLAND," WHICH IS "AN
OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T PRESENT ITSELF VERY OFTEN."
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
"YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T SEND ME TO PRISON.
THE McRIB IS BACK!
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!
HAVE YOU NO HEART?" THE NEXT REVOLTING REVOLUTIONARY
BEHIND BARS IS NEW YORK NATIVE AND GUY OFFERING FREE FOOT
MASSAGES AT GUITAR CENTER, BRENDAN HUNT.
TO BE CLEAR, BRENDAN HUNT SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED WITH THE ACTOR
WHO PLAYS COACH BEARD ON "TED LASSO," BRENDAN HUNT.
THE ONLY THING HE'S GUILTY OF STORM... [ WHISPERING )
IS OUR HEARTS.
HE JUST LOVES TED!
GO ON.
THE BAD BRENDAN HUNT WASN'T AT THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT HE
MADE HIMSELF HEARD BY PUTTING UP NUMEROUS VIDEOS AND FACEBOOK
POSTS THAT THREATENED POLITICIANS LIKE CHUCK SCHUMER
AND ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
HIS EXCUSE?
HE WROTE THE SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS AFTER MONTHS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION
AND "A FEW BONG RIPS."
NICE TRY, BUT AFTER A FEW BONG RIPS, YOU DON'T THREATEN TO TAKE
DOWN A MEMBER OF CONGRESS.
YOU THREATEN TO TAKE DOWN AN ENTIRE BOX OF LITTLE DEBBIE
SWISS ROLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HUNT IS IN JAIL-- $1.09.
$1.09, DOZEN ROLLS.
HUNT IS IN JAIL AWAITING SENTENCING, AND HE'S GOT COMPANY
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, HE SHARED A CELL WITH CONVICTED SEX-OFFENDER
R. KELLY.
OH, TO BE A FLY ON THAT WALL...
AND THEN BEG TO BE TRANSFERRED TO A DIFFERENT WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) HUNT CONSIDERS HIMSELF A BIT OF
AN ARTIST, SO AS PART OF HIS APPEAL TO THE JUDGE FOR A LESSER
SENTENCE, HIS LAWYERS SUBMITTED A COMIC STRIP HUNT DREW
PORTRAYING HIMSELF AND R. KELLY WORKING OUT BEHIND BARS.
SO, HE'S USING HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH R. KELLY TO TRY TO WIN OVER
THE JUDGE.
WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT BONG?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LET'S TAKE A LOOK...
>> Jon: THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE THE WIND.
>> Stephen: DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS, JUST SAY NO.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF HIS WORK.
HERE'S HUNT SHOWING R. KELLY A YOGA BOOK AND SAYING THEY SHOULD
EXERCISE TOGETHER, THEN THE TWO OF THEM DOING WARRIOR POSE, THEN
DOWNWARD DOG, THEN THE TWO OF THEM HIGH-FIVING AND SAYING
"WORKOUT PALS!" AND, FINALLY, THEY'RE ALL BUFF,
AND R. KELLY SAYS, "WAIT UNTIL THE GUYS IN THE YARD SEE OUR
GAINS!" WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT PRISON: ON YOUR FIRST DAY, FIND THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE
YARD, AND THEN SHOW HIM A DRAWING OF YOU BIGGER THAN HIM.
STILL BETTER THAN HUNT'S FIRST DRAFT, WHERE HE DREW GARFIELD
SAYING, "I HATE MONDAYS, BUT I LOVE WORKING OUT WITH CONVICTED
SEX OFFENDER R. KELLY."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JEFF GOLDBLUM.
WON'T YOU JOIN US?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,
AND I HOPE YOU DO, YOU KNOW THAT I, STEPHEN COLBERT, HAVE A FEW
CORE BELIEVES.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I BELIEVE IS THAT THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS SEX PARTIES.
I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER, I HEARD STORIES AND
RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE WERE SEX PARTIES AND
ORGIES AND FLESH PITS.
THEN I GREW UP AND I FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) I SAID THIS BEFORE: I JUST
DON'T BUY THAT SEX PARTIES ARE ACTUALLY A THING.
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, SUPPOSEDLY THE HEIGHT OF DECADENCE, AND
I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN ASKED TO A SEX PARTY.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, FOLKS, SINCE I TOOK THAT
BRAVE STANCE, I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO MULTIPLE SEX PARTIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ONE OF THEM WAS HOSTED BY A
GROUP OF FOLKS CALLED "SNCTM."
EVIDENTLY, IT'S ONE OF THOSE PARTIES WHERE YOU BRING YOUR OWN
VOWELS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY HAVE THE "T," YOU BRING THE
"A."
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I WASN'T GOING TO ACCEPT THE OFFER.
I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED MAN WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT SEX PARTIES.
BUT IT GOT ME THINKING: COULD I BE WRONG HERE?
HAVE THESE SEX PARTIES BEEN REAL ALL ALONG?
IT WAS ALL SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THANKFULLY, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE AN EXPERT
IN NOT UNDERSTANDING THINGS.
HER NAME IS BOOTSIE PLUNKETT.
AND SHE'S THE MOTHER OF MY FIELD PRODUCER JAKE PLUNKETT, AND SHE
IS ALSO "THE LATE SHOW'S" OFFICIAL "UNINFORMED
CORRESPONDENT."
IN THE PAST, BOOTSIE HAS USED HER UNIQUE INFORMATION-LIGHT
PERSPECTIVE TO HELP US UNDERSTAND DIFFICULT ISSUES,
EVEN SITTING DOWN TO TALK ABOUT TRADE TARIFFS WITH NOBEL
PRIZE-WINNING ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN.
SO, IT OCCURRED TO ME: I SHOULD SEND BOOTSIE TO INVESTIGATE
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON AT "SNCTM."
OF COURSE, JAKE KNEW HIS MOM WOULD NEVER AGREE TO GO TO A SEX
PARTY, SO HE DID THE RIGHT THING: HE LIED TO HER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE IS A TERRIBLE SON, BUT A GREAT PRODUCER.
JAKE TOLD BOOTSIE SHE WAS MEETING PAUL KRUGMAN ON A FERRIS
WHEEL TO TALK ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING.
AND THEN, INSTEAD, HE BROUGHT HER TO THE SEX PARTY.
JIM?
>> SO, YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A
DINNER WITH-- >> PAUL KRUGMAN.
THE...
HE'S A... ECONOMICKIST-- WHAT IS HE AGAIN?
>> ECONOMIST.
>> WORLD RONOWNED-- >> RENOWN.
>> ECONOMIST.
>> AND WHAT ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM ABOUT.
>> DEBT CEILING.
>> DO YOU WANT TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TALKED TO ME ABOUT
PAUL KRUGMAN SINCE YOU HAVE DINNER WITH HIM?
>> I SAILED OUT OF ALL THE THINGS I HAVE DONE, I LIKED PAUL
THE BEST.
HE'S VERY CUTE AND QUIRKY.
>> YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A CRUSH ON PAUL KRUGMAN.
>> OH, COME ON!
NOOSE YOUR WORDS.
>> YOU TALK ABOUT HIM CONSTANTLY.
>> I DO NOT!
>> YES, YOU DO.
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> YYOU YOU DO.
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> EVERY TIME I SEE OW YOUR IPAD--
>> YOU ARE SO FULL OF ( BLEEP ).
>> EVERY TIMEY SEE YOU ON YOUR iPAD AND YOU'RE WATCHING ONE OF
YOUR PIECES -- >> I NEVER WATCH A PIECE!
YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A NORSAQUIST.
>> FOR MY MOMENT MITT ROMNEY AND I WAS IT WAS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
AS WE HEADED INTO THE SEX PARTY 91 AS SNCTM.
>> HELLO AND WELCOME MAY I OFFER YOU SOME CHAMPAGNE?
>> OH, MY GOD.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SHIRT ON.
>> JUST A QUICK NOTE, IF YOU SEE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU LIKE,
PLEASE ASK.
CONSENSUS IS KEY FOR TOUCHING.
>> ASK WHAT?
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US DOWN IN THE V.I.P.?
>> I GUESS.
( LAUGHTER ) IS PAUL HERE?
JAKE!
WHAT THE-- >> SO, BOOTSIE.
>> WHAT?
>> PAUL'S NOT HERE.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY AT A SEX PARTY.
JUST GO WITH IT.
>> I OWED MY MOM SOME ANSWERS SO IT WAS TIME TO COME CLEAN
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
>> OKAY.
>> THERE'S NO PAUL.
>> THAT'S ( BLEEP ) SAD.
>> THE STORY IS STEPHEN HAS BEEN DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF SEX
PARTIES IN HIS MONOLOGUES, AND SO, THERE HAVE BEEN SOME INVATES
TO SEX PARTIES, AND THE THOUGHT WAS THAT MAYBE YOU WOULD BE A
GOOD CORRESPONDENT TO GO OUT AND SEE IF THEY EXIST.
>> OH, THEY EXIST.
UNLESS THIS IS A TRICK.
>> SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I'M SHOCKED.
I MEAN, I'M HANDLING IT OKAY.
BUT I'M NOT DRESSING UP OR NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING
TO SEE UP THERE.
>> WHAT, SHOULD I ASK THESE PEOPLE?
THEY DON'T SEEM LIKE THEY GIVE A ( BLEEP ) ABOUT THE DEBT
CEILING.
>> NOW THAT MY MOM HAD HER REAL ASSIGNMENT, SHE SET OUT TO
DISCOVER IT IF SNCTM WAS A REAL SEX PARTY.
>> OH, HI!
( LAUGHING ) >> YOU CAN ASK HIM?
>> OH, MY GOD!
DO YOU HAVE THESE SEX PARTIES ALL THE TIME?
>> YES, WE DO.
WE HAVE THEM VERY FREQUENTLY.
>> THIS ISN'T, LIKE, A JOKE?
>> NO, ALL THE TIME.
>> DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SEX?
>> UH, YES, YES, WE DO.
.WOULD YOU LIKE A MASK?
>> OH, NO.
SHOULD I WEAR A MASK.
>> IF YOU'D LIKE, WE HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH TO CHOOSE FROM.
>> OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT LOOKS VERY NICE.
BEAUTIFUL.
>> OH, DEAR GOD, I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
( LAUGHTER ) IS STEPHEN COMING TONIGHT?
DOES ANYBODY KNOW?
>> NOT THAT I WAS NOTIFIED.
SO...
>> NO, HUH?
>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BRING THE INVITE THIS TIME.
YOU'RE LIKE, I GOT AN IN.
COME ON, WE'RE GOING.
>> WHERE ARE WE GOING, SCROTUMS, RIGHT?
WAIT.
SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) SCROTUMS.
>> SNCTM.
>> OH, MY GOD!
I GET EVERYTHING WRONG.
I'M SORRY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING?
( LAUGHTER ) >> THE DEBT CEILING?
>> YEAH, THE DEBT CEILING.
THEY'RE VOTING ON IT.
SOHIRE IT.
I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW STUFF, EITHER.
SO THIS IS THE ROOM WHERE YOU GO UP AT NIGHT AFTER EVERYTHING
GETS HOT AND HEAVY?
>> YEAH, ALL THE ROOMS, WHENEVER YOU LIKE ONE DURING THE EVENT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> VERY INTERESTING.
I'VE LEARNED A LOT.
HUH?
>DO YOU ENJOY THIS, COMING HERE?
OBVIOUSLY, RIGHT.
>> DEFINITELY.
>> YEAH.
SO THIS IS THE, UM...
>> THIS IS MORE OF OUR DOM ROOM.
>> THE DOM ROOM.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE HER A LITTLE TICKLE?
>> OH, NO, NO.
YOU WANT A TICKLE WITH THE PICKLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> IS IT NOW GOING TO BE THE CASE THAT WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE
NAME "PAUL KRUGMAN" YOU THINK OF THIS?
>> YES!
YES!
I WISH I COULD TALK TO PAUL.
YOU COULD HAVE NEVER SHOCKED ME MORE THAN YOU DID TONIGHT.
HI, THIS IS BOOTSIE.
I'M HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND GUESS WHAT, STEPHEN?
THIS IS REAL.
BALLSY FOUND OUT TONIGHT FIRSTHAND THIS IS REAL.
>> THIS IS REAL.
>> SO THAT WAS BAD BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T NAME WHAT'S REAL AND
WHERE YOU ARE?
>> I'M AT THE SCROTUMS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
BOOTSIE.
THANK YOU, JAKE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEFF GOLDBLUM.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
FROM "THE BIG CHILL," "JURASSIC PARK," AND "THOR: RAGNAROK."
HIS SHOW, "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM," HAS JUST
RETURNED FOR ITS SECOND SEASON.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JEFF, JEFF, I JUST WISH YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF MORE.
>> I DO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
AND I HAVE TO SAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT I'M ALWAYS VERY-- I'M VERY
GRATEFUL TO ANY GUEST WHO REALLY PUTS ON THE DUDS BEFORE THEY
COME OUT HERE.
AND YOU NEVER-- YOU NEVER DISAPPOINT.
I'M JUST CURIOUS, WHAT COULD I-- ONE THING I COULD WEAR TO, LIKE,
GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF THE GOLDBLUM MAGIC.
>> I WOULDN'T WISH MYSELF ON ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY YOU.
YOU ARE YOUR OWN...
THE HEIGHT OF YOU.
>> Stephen: I AM THE MOST ME I CAN BE, I UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> IT'S FANTASTIC.
BUT I WAS PREPARED FOR THAT.
I-- SO I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: OH.
FANTASTIC.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ON THESE GLASSES?
YOU WEAR GLASSES, AND I WEAR GLASSES.
AND YOU'VE GOT A NICE-- NICE FRAME THERE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT FRAME.
YOU CHOSE THOSE-- THOSE -- >> Stephen: I CHOSE THESE,
YES.
>> NOTHING WRONG -- >> Stephen: CAN I TRY YOURS
ON?
YOU.
>> YOU CAN TRY ON ANYTHING YOU WANT.
ANYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS.
THIS IS METAL-- >> OH, I SEE.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S ME.
THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: I'LL TRY THESE ON, TOO.
>> I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> IT'S ALSO PRESCRIPTION, SO -- >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
WOW!
>> WELL, COME ON.
>> Stephen: THIS GIVES ME A LITTLE ...I GOT-- IT'S A LITTLE
JEFF GOLDBLUM, AND LITTLE OYE ORBISON.
>> YEAH, BUT IT'S WONDERFUL.
>> Stephen: WISH IT WAS MY PRESCRIPTION SO I COULD SEE WHAT
I LOOK LIKE.
>> YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE STRONGER GLASSES THAN I DO.
>> REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
THEY JUST GIVE THEM TO ME AND I PUT THEM ON MY FACE DO YOU KNOW
YOUR PRESCRIPTION.
>> I'M FIANCE 250.
WHICH IS NOT MUCH.
YOURS ARE STRONGER, SIR.
YOURS ARE STRONGER.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND HAVE YOU INSULT MY
EYEBALLS.
>> I'M NOT INSULTING THEM AND I'M NOT --
>> Stephen: ASTIGMATIC IS MY PROBLEM.
>> WHAT'S THAT, YOU HAVE AN -- >> Stephen: AN ASTIGMATISM.
I'M ASTIGMATIC BECAUSE I HAVE AN ASTIGMATISM.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME.
>> Stephen: NO, THERE'S A WARP IN THE LENS.
THERE'S A DIMPLE OR DIVOT OR WARP IN THE LENS SO YOU HAVE TO
SHAPT INSIDE OF THIS LENS IN ORDER TO CORRECT IT.
MUCH LIKE THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE.
>> NOW THAT YOU BROUGHT IT UP, I'M HERE TO PROMOTE THIS SHOW
OUT TODAY.
BUT I'M NOT JUST -- >> Stephen: NO, NO, DO IT.
>> I'M NOT COULD GO IT, BUT YOU REMINDED ME OF THIS THING,
BECAUSE WE DID AN EPISODE-- IT'S NOT THIS YEAR COMING OUT, BUT
LAST YEAR-- I TALKED TO.
I WENT TO NASA, AND ALL -- >> Stephen: THIS IS IN "THE
WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM."
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ON DISNEY+.
A DELIGHTFUL SHOW.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE IN IT.
YOU'RE CURIOUS.
I LIKE YOUR CURIOSITY.
>> I LIKE YOUR CURIOSITY.
LAST YEAR I WAS TALKING TO NASA AND THEY SAID ALL THE ASTRONAUTS
THAT GO UP-- NOT THE WOMEN, NONE OF THE WOMEN-- ALL OF THEM COME
DOWN, IF THEY'VE SPENT A GOOD DEAL OF TIME UP THERE, SOMETHING
IN THEIR LIGHT EYEBALL-- NOT THEIR LEFT-- THAT IS FUNNY AND
MISSHAPEN.
YUP.
AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE SOME SORT OF SPACE PARASITE THAT
EVENTUALLY BURSTS OUT AND EATS EVERYONE ELSE ON THE SHIP?
>> INTERESTING THEORY.
I DOUBT IT.
>> Stephen: AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW.
THE SCIENCE ISN'T IN YET.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, TRUST THE EVIDENCE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND THERE, JEFF.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF
GOLDBLUM," JEFF GOLDBLUM.
JEFF, IN "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM," YOU LEARN A LOT
OF THINGS, YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT THE WORLD, AS I WAS SAYING
BEFORE.
WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING IN THIS CLIP, MY FRIEND?
>> WHICH CLIP ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S YOUR CLIP.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
EXACTLY.
VERY GOOD.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING--
>> THE FIVE THAT ARE COMING OUT ARE DANCE AND DOGS AND MAGIC AND
MONSTERS AND FIREWORKS.
THOSE ARE THE FIRST FIVE THAT ARE COMING OUT.
THIS ONE YOU'RE GOING TO SEE HAS TO DO WITH DANCE.
WE WENT TO ATLANTA, GEORGIA, AND DID MANY THINGS.
BUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO SEE IS ME WITH CALEB CRIB, AND THEY
MAKE THESE TIKTOK VIDEOS AND DO DANCES AND THEY'RE A BIG
SENSATION.
I VISITED THEM-- FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND DID SOME DANCING MYSELF,
WHICH I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SEE, AND IN FACT, MADE A TIKTOK
VERSION OF ME DANCING WITH THEM.
>> Stephen: I D JIM.
>> TO THE LEFT.
♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S CROSS, CROSS-- RIGHT HERE,
THIS IS CALLED A MIDHIT.
RIGHT, YOU HIT IT.
>> ON MY HORSE.
AND-KICKA.
HEY, TAKE THAT IN YOUR FACE.
>> ACTUALLY I LIKE HOW YOU MADE YOUR OWN STYLE WITH EVERY MOVE.
>> I THINK THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.
EVERY MOVE, JUST LIKE IN AN ACTING SCENE, HAS TO KIND OF BE
INVESTIGATED AND MEAN SOMETHING.
>> RIGHT.
>> ONE, TWO, HIT IT.
>> YES!
YES.
>> I KIND OF GOT IT.
I KIND OF GOT IT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU FIT
EVERYWHERE.
JEFF GOLDBLUM MANAGES TO FIT EVERYWHERE.
>> I FIT EVERYWHERE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE FUN AND COMFORTABLE JUST
ABOUT EVERYWHERE.
>> >> LIKE JAMES BOND.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU THE NEW BOND?
>> I CAN'T SAY ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: HAVE TO TAKE ONE MORE BREAK, BUT DON'T GO AWAY.
I'M GOING TO ASK JEFF ABOUT A TIME HE WENT TIE PARTY AT JOHNNY
CARSON'S HOUSE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF
GOLDBLUM," JEFF GOLDBLUM.
JEFF GOLDBLUM, YOU WERE A GUEST MORE THAN ONCE WITH THE GREAT
MAN HIMSELF, MR. JOHNNY CARSON.
>> YEAH.
OH, MY GOSH!
>> Stephen: LOOK AT LITTLE JEFF GOLDBLUM RIGHT THERE.
>> THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S ABOUT 19 -- >> Stephen: YOU'VE AGED WELL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU'VE BECOME MORE DEBONAIR.
THE STALT AND PEPPER SUITS YOU.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT YOUR SALT AND PEPPER.
♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE?
YOUR HAIR IS LIKE PETER LAWFORD.
>> Stephen: PETER LAWFORD?
I NEED TO WEAR THE BIG 30 ROLL-NECK SWEATERS.
>> OR CAESAR ROMERO.
>> Stephen: CAESAR ROMERO?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THE ORIGINAL JOKER?
>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU?
>> YEAH, THANK YOU, EXCLAMATION POINT.
TAKE AWAY THE QUESTION MARK.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HERE'S THE THING, JOHNNY-- I KNOW YOU LEARNED SOME MAGIC AND
JOHNNY STARTED OFF AS A MAGICIAN WHICH PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER.
>> HE DID.
THAT'S ABOUT '83, BECAUSE HIS COMPANY, THE CARSON PRODUCTIONS,
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, DID MOVIES AND THEY PRODUCED
"THE BIG CHILL," IN 1983.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
HE BANKED SOME COIN.
>> YEAH, HE DID WELL.
>> Stephen: IT DID VERY WELL.
>> IT WAS AN INTERESTING, CREATIVE LITTLE ENDEAVOR.
AND AT AN ICE BREAKER AT HIS MALIBU HOME, HE INVITED US ALL,
THE CAST, TO KIND OF KICK OFF THE FESTIVITY S.
>> Stephen: NIC IT'S LIKE LET'S DIG THIS MUSIC
TOGETHER.
THIS MUSIC DOES SOMETHING TO ME, AND I'LL BE DARNED, SEE IF IT
DOES THE SAME TO YOU.
THAT'S KIND OF-- DOES THAT CHECK OUT?
I LOVE IT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN AT LEAST WHAT I STARTED DOING WITH
PUTTING ON A SHOW.
I'M I'M TRYING TO DO A SCENE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?
THIS OTHER THING HAS IN IT THIS KIND OF LESS EGO-DRIVEN WAY OF,
GEEZ, I JUST LOVE THIS MUSIC.
DON'T WE LOVE THIS MUSIC?
AND THAT LITTLE...
THAT LITTLE VACCINE HAS INFECTED MY GOINGS ON HERE.
LIKE, RIGHT NOW I'M ACTUALLY ENJOYING BEING WITH YOU.
I.
>> Stephen: WOW, EVEN THAT.
>> I REALLY DO.
WELL, NOT EVEN THAT.
>> Stephen: JEFF, JEFF, I AM ENJOYING BEING WITH YOU, TOO.
IT'S ALWAYS A DELIGHT.
TALKING WITH YOU IS LIKE A VACATION.
IT REALLY IS.
>> WHERE WOULD IT BE A VACATION TO?
>> Stephen: SOME PLACE SUNNY.
>> YEAH, SOUTH OF SPAIN.
MMM.
♪ YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE MY ONLY SUNSHINE
♪ YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY
♪ YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, DEAR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
♪ PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF "THE
WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM" IS OUT NOW ON DISNEY+.
JEFF GOLDBLUM, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY ROD STEWART.
>> Stephen: HIS ALBUM, "THE TEARS OF HERCULES," CAME OUT
TODAY.
PERFORMING "ONE MORE TIME," ROD STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU FOR
HAVING US ON THE SHOW, STEPHEN.
WE WOULD LIKE TO DO A LITTLE SONG FOR YOU CALLED "ONE MORE
TIME."
♪ IT'S NOT THE COLOR OF YOUR HAIR OR
♪ THE BEAUTY IN YOUR EYES THAT I'LL BE MISSING
♪ OR THE SUNSHINE IN YOUR SMILE OR THOSE RUBY RED LIPS
♪ I'VE BEEN KISSING NOW YOUR FAMILY DON'T LIKE ME
♪ THIS I UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANNA SETTLE DOWN
♪ I AM JUST A RAMBLING MAN I'D RATHER BE OUT ROCKING
♪ WITH MY GOOD OLD COUNTRY BAND YES, I WOULD
IT WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED ♪ OH, YEAH
AND TOGETHER WE SMASHED IT ♪ OH, YEAH
THERE'S JUST ONE MORE ♪ THING TO DO
OH, YEAH ♪ I KNOW THAT I CAN KEEP
A SECRET, BABY, CAN YOU TOO?
♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY ONE MORE TIME, BABY
♪ ONE MORE TIME JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY ONE MORE TIME, BABY
♪ ONE MORE TIME JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ NOW IF WE HAVE TO SEPARATE
AND FIND SOMEBODY NEW ♪ IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
SOMEBODY ELSE WITH YOU ♪ YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO NASTY
IN THOSE NAUGHTY HIGH HEEL ♪ SHOES, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
WE WERE LOVERS FOR A WHILE ♪ IT WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED
OH YEAH ♪ AND TOGETHER WE SMASHED IT
OH YEAH ♪ THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE
THING TO DO ♪ OH YEAH
I KNOW THAT I CAN KEEP A SECRET ♪ BABY, CAN YOU TOO?
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY
ONE MORE TIME ♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY
ONE MORE TIME ♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
YEAH, YEAH ♪ JUST ONE MORE TIME
♪ OOH, ONE MORE TIME THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE
♪ ONE MORE TIME NO, I CAN'T
♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE OOH, ONE MORE TIME
NOW I HOPE THAT YOU FIND ♪ WHAT YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR
SOMEONE TO CUDDLE AND KISS YOU ♪ AS YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR
AND HONOR YOU WITH CHILDREN ♪ AND STAY TOGETHER
FOREVER, FOREVER ♪ SO IT'S BON VOYAGE
FAREWELL, AU REVOIR ♪ I'M GOING DOWN TO WOODSTOCK
IN MY BEAT-UP JAGUAR ♪ THERE'S NO REGRETS OR SADNESS
BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE ♪ KNOWN BETTER
♪ IT WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED OH YEAH
♪ AND TOGETHER WE SMASHED IT OH YEAH
♪ THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE THING TO DO
♪ OH YEAH I KNOW THAT I CAN KEEP A SECRET
♪ BABY, CAN YOU TOO?
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY
ONE MORE TIME ♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY
ONE MORE TIME ♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ♪ ONE MORE TIME, BABY
ONE MORE TIME ♪ JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE
ONE MORE TIME, BABY ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: CHECK OUT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE FROM ROD STEWART AT
colbertlateshow.com.
ROD STEWART, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY PAUL RUDD, ADAM
DRIVER, AND KEVIN HART.
GOOD NIGHT.