>> MATCH.com STUDY CLAIMING THAT 81% OF SINGLE MEN SAY
SEX IS LESS IMPORTANT TO THEM NOW THAN IT WAS BEFORE THE
PANDEMIC.
IN FACT, THE "NEW YORK POST" EVEN HAD AN ARTICLE SAYING
SINGLE MEN JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT SEX ANYMORE.
>> ARE YOU NOT WANTING TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH SOMEONE
SPECIAL?
AND WANT A LITTLE MUSIC TO HELP PUT YOU NOT IN THE MOOD?
LIBIDLOW RECORDS PROUDLY INTRODUCES...
YOU GET SUCH NONSEXUAL HITS AS...
SO PICK UP A COPY OF "LET'S NOT GET IT ON" TODAY.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
NOT SEX!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, BRAVE NEW WORLD.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY "STAYHUMAN."
NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
HOW ARE YA?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
HELLO, JON!
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU IN CASE I GET LOST.
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HEY!
THANKS, FOLKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DAY IN
AMERICA.
HAPPY VETERANS DAY, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL JOIN RIGHT IN.
ALL OF US HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WANT TO EXTEND OUR
HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE SERVED AND SACRIFICED FOR THIS
COUNTRY.
WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS OUR GRATITUDE.
SO WE TRIED PICTURES.
IN OUR SPECIAL VETERANS DAY DOME, FEATURING STAFF AND CREW,
AND THEIR LOVED ONES WHO'VE SERVED.
THANK YOU AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH, YES!
>> Stephen: HERE IN NEW YORK, HERE IN THE BIG CITY, THEY HELD
THE ANNUAL VETERANS' DAY PARADE FOR
THE 102ND CONSECUTIVE YEAR.
THE FIRST ONE WAS HELD IN 1919.
PARADES WERE A LOT LESS FUN BACK THEN, BECAUSE THEY COULD ONLY
MAKE THEM IN BLACK AND WHITE, THEY WERE SILENT, AND ALL THE
PEOPLE WALKED LIKE THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE THE PARADE
BACK IN FULL FORCE.
LAST YEAR, BECAUSE OF COVID, THEY COULDN'T HAVE PEOPLE
MARCHING, SO THEY ONLY HAD A 100-VEHICLE PARADE WITHOUT
SPECTATORS.
SO, TRAFFIC.
( LAUGHTER ) IT ALSO COULD BE A BIG DAY FOR
THE FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING, BECAUSE THE UNITED
STATES AND CHINA ANNOUNCED A JOINT AGREEMENT, SAYING THEY
WOULD WORK TOGETHER TO DO MORE TO CUT EMISSIONS THIS DECADE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW, MAYBE, COULD BE
SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES AND CHINA
ARE THE WORLD'S TWO BIGGEST POLLUTERS.
OF COURSE, NUMBER THREE IS ANY KEURIG MACHINE.
( LAUGHTER ) "I TAKE MY COFFEE WITH MILK,
SUGAR, AND A LITTLE CUP THAT FITS RIGHT INTO A DOLPHIN'S
BLOWHOLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
IT'S TRUE!
IT'S TRUE.
COME HERE, FLIPPER!
IT'S HAZELNUT, HOLD STILL!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS AGREEMENT IS PRETTY SHORT ON SPECIFICS.
THE NATIONS JUST AGREED TO "ENHANCE AMBITION" ON CLIMATE
CHANGE.
"ENHANCE AMBITION" IS A TECHNICAL DIPLOMATIC LEVEL OF
CRISIS-RESPONSE.
IT GOES: ENHANCE AMBITION
ELEVATE ENTHUSIASM BIGGIE-SIZE INITIATIVE
EXTRA-CRISPY, AND TOO LATE, WE'RE ALL DEAD!
( LAUGHTER ) IN CORONAVIRUS NEWS, AS THE
WEATHER GETS COLDER AND PEOPLE START GATHERING MORE INDOORS,
CASES ARE ON THE RISE AGAIN, AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING, THE U.S.
COULD FACE A FIFTH MAJOR WAVE.
NO!
NO MORE WAVES!
I WAS PROMISED A NORMAL HOLIDAY SEASON!
THE FAMILY DINNERS ON THANKSGIVING;
THE CAROLERS ON CHRISTMAS; THE FIGHTS ON BLACK FRIDAY.
AS GOD INTENDED.
THAT'S HOW HE DESTROYED SODOM AND GOMORRAH.
HE TOLD EVERYONE IN GOMORRAH THERE WERE HALF-OFF TV'S AT THE
SODOM BEST BUY.
( LAUGHTER ) IF WE DO GET A FIFTH WAVE, IT
WON'T EFFECT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY EQUALLY, BECAUSE THE PLACES
HARDEST-HIT TEND TO HAVE LOW VACCINATION RATES.
WELL, YEAH.
AT THIS POINT, STAYING UNVACCINATED IS LIKE WEARING A
YANKEES HAT TO A RED SOX GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO END UP
IN THE HOSPITAL, AND IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT LEADERS ARE BRACING FOR A POTENTIAL SPIKE IN CASES.
TAKE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND ROBOT IN THE HALL OF
NEVER-GOING-TO-BE-PRESIDENTS, GAVIN NEWSOM.
YESTERDAY, NEWSOM EXPLAINED WHY HE'S EXTENDING CALIFORNIA'S
STATE OF EMERGENCY: >> WHILE WE WERE SPARED THE
WORST IN THE SUMMER, THE PROSPECTS OF A CHALLENGING
WINTER ARE UPON US.
WINTER IS COMING.
WINTER IS HERE.
>> STEPHEN: MAKES SENSE TO QUOTE "GAME OF THRONES," BECAUSE THE
PANDEMIC IS ALREADY WAY TOO LONG AND IT'S NOT GOING TO END WELL.
WE ARE MAKING HEADWAY AGAINST COVID WITH VACCINES AND MASKS.
BUT THERE'S A DOWNSIDE, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, THE
WORLD CREATED ABOUT EIGHT MILLION TONS OF PANDEMIC PLASTIC
WASTE, AND MUCH OF IT IS NOW IN THE OCEAN.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
AND THAT IS WRONG.
IN NEW YORK, WE DON'T THROW OUR TRASH IN THE OCEAN.
WE PUT IT WHERE IT BELONGS: PILED UP ON THE SIDEWALK.
WHERE IT STAYS FOREVER, SLOWLY TURNING INTO A RAT PALACE.
( LAUGHTER ) RAT PALACE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL THIS DISCARDED P.P.E. NOW
THREATENS TO DISRUPT MARINE LIFE.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, CRUSTACEANS NOW HAVE ENOUGH GEAR TO STAGE
THEIR OWN MEDICAL DRAMA "CRAY'S ANATOMY."
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER BIT OF FALLOUT FROM THE
PANDEMIC?
PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO THE MOVIES.
TICKET SALES STILL LAG NEARLY 70% BEHIND WHAT THEY WERE IN
2019.
OF COURSE, 2019 WAS AN ESPECIALLY PROFITABLE YEAR
BECAUSE OF ALL THE DADS GOING TO MULTIPLE SHOWINGS OF "FORD VS
FERRARI."
( LAUGHTER ) IT MAKES US FEEL THINGS.
TO DEAL WITH THE HIT TO TICKET SALES, SOME MOVIE THEATER CHAINS
ARE GETTING CREATIVE.
LIKE AMC, WHICH WILL START SELLING ITS POPCORN OUTSIDE OF
THEATERS.
OH, MY DEAR, SWEET, SIMPLE AMC.
'TIS NOT YOUR POPPED CORN WE DID DESIRE.
'TWAS THE BUTTER PUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE LIKE MOVIE POPCORN IS THAT WE CAN
DROWN IT IN AN UNHOLY DELUGE OF LIQUIFIED TRANS FATS SO
UNNATURAL THAT LEGALLY IT CAN'T BE CALLED "BUTTER."
IT'S GOLDEN TOPPING, AND IT CONTAINS 100% OF YOUR
RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE OF "GOLDEN."
( LAUGHTER ) AMC WILL ALSO SELL COCA-COLA
FREESTYLE DRINK OPTIONS, BOTTLED WATER, AND CANDY.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHOSE FAVORITE PART OF ANY MOVIE IS
PAYING $7 FOR RAISINETTES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MOVIE CHAIN WILL SELL THEIR
POPCORN FOUR WAYS, WITH A MICROWAVE-AT-HOME OPTION, IN
TO-GO PACKAGES FOR TAKEOUT AND PICKUP, VIA DELIVERY, AND IN
MALL KIOSKS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TO SAVE THEIR BUSINESS, THEY'RE BETTING ON "MALLS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT STRUCK HOME.
THAT STRUCK A NERVE.
>> Jon: THAT'S A LOT, THE MALLS.
>> Stephen: IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY'RE
GOING TO PUT IT ALL INTO PORTABLE CD PLAYERS.
"THEY'RE AMAZING!
YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE YOU'RE WALKING, AS LONG AS YOU
DON'T START WALKING."
IT'S NOT JUST MOVIES.
THERE'S ANOTHER POPULAR PASTIME THAT'S LOSING APPEAL: GOING DOWN
TO BONE-TOWN.
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE RENOWNED SCIENTIFIC PUBLICATION
MATCH.COM, 81% OF SINGLE MEN SAID SEX IS NOW LESS IMPORTANT
THAN IT WAS FOR THEM IN PRE-PANDEMIC TIMES BECAUSE THEY
HAVE BECOME MORE WELL-ROUNDED.
YES, WE'VE ALL BECOME MORE WELL-ROUNDED!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCHERS, "IT'S MOST STRIKING IN MEN THAT
THEY'RE TAKING A MOMENT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIP
CONTEXT OF INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS MORE."
THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS FOR MEN.
(AS RESEARCHER) "WE WERE IMPRESSED TO SEE THESE
MEN GETTING MOST OF THEIR URINE INTO THE TOILET, RATHER THAN
JUST DROPPING TROU AND MAKING A ROUGH ESTIMATE AS TO THE
WHEREABOUTS OF THE BATHROOM."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SAYING THAT WE'RE AN --
ANIMALS IS WHAT WE'RE SAYING.
THIS NEW INTEREST IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS IS HAVING AN
IMPACT, BECAUSE "RATES OF CASUAL SEX ARE DOWN."
ALTHOUGH THAT COULD BE BECAUSE, FROM WHAT I READ IN THE
TABLOIDS, EVERY AVAILABLE WOMAN IS CURRENTLY HAVING SEX WITH
PETE DAVIDSON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: PISTOL PETE.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU, PETE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF SURVEYS, ANOTHER
SURVEY.
THIS ONE FOUND THAT EIGHT OUT OF TEN AMERICANS SAY THEY USE
SLANG, BUT HALF ADMIT TO NOT EVEN KNOWING THE MEANING OF THE
TERMS THEY USE.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING?
T.B.H., THAT IS HIGH-KEY EXTRA "FORTNIGHT" D.M.-SLIDE.
AM I RIGHT, MY BUTT-CHUGGIES?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AM I?
THE SURVEY HAD SOME SURPRISIN RESULTS ABOUT WHO USES WHICH
SLANG.
TURNS OUT, BOOMERS USE "WOKE" MORE THAN OTHER GENERATIONS.
WELL, THAT GOT CO-OPTED FAST.
BUT IT'S NOT A TOTAL SHOCKER.
BOOMERS ARE ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF BEING WOKE-- AT 4:00 A.M., TO
PEE.
( LAUGHTER ) ON THE OTHER HAND, BOOMERS HATE
"OK BOOMER."
ALL RIGHT, GRANDPA.
OTHER GENERATIONS HAD THEIR OWN FAVORITE SLANG WORDS.
MILLENNIALS LIKED "SALTY," MEANING EXCEPTIONALLY BITTER OR
ANGRY, AS WELL AS "THIRSTY" MEANING "NEEDING ATTENTION."
FOR EXAMPLE, SALTY AND THIRSTY MIGHT BE HOW YOU'D DESCRIBE THIS
VIDEO OF MR. PEANUT DABBING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
YEAH, THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
JON, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND FOR
TONIGHT'S SHOW, JON, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TWO AMAZING GUESTS
TONIGHT.
TWO GINGERS, ACTUALLY, KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER ARE
BOTH HERE.
>> Jon: A GREAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: NOT TOGETHER BUT ARE BOTH HERE TONIGHT.
IT HASN'T DOM OUT YET BUT IS ABOUT TO, BRANAGH'S MOVIE
( RINGING BELL ) "BELFAST" IS COMING OUT.
IT'S THE MOST IRISH MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
FRIENDS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMPILING THE
MOST CURRENT GEOMETRY QUESTIONS, SPRINKLING IN A TOPICAL SET OF
DATA ANALYSES, FOLDING THEM TOGETHER AMONG THE NEWSWORTHIEST
WORD PROBLEMS, THEN PAIRING ALL OF THAT WITH THE DAY'S MOST
PRESSING READING PASSAGES TO COLLATE FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY
CALIBRATED, BESPOKE S.A.T. TEST THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF A PILE OF SALVIA AND
STAGGER INTO A LANDFILL WHERE I FORAGE FOR CRUSTY OLD SUDOKUS,
GRAB A SACKFUL OF USED AND WET MADLIBS, AND CRAZY-GLUE THEM TO
THE SPINE OF A DISCARDED "READER'S DIGEST" I FOUND IN A
BURNT-OUT WALDENBOOKS, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE ILLEGIBLE
HOBO BUZZFEED QUIZ OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM.
THAT IS A SHOT IN THE ARM FOR THIS NATION.
"MEANWHILE!" -- ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, "IT TURNS OUT EXERCISE ISN'T AS
LIKELY TO RUIN YOUR KNEES AS YOU THINK."
WELL THEN STOP RESEARCHING!
THAT'S MY GO-TO EXCUSE.
SOMEONE SAYS "HEY, LET'S GET SOME EXERCISE," ALL YOU HAVE TO
SAY IS "CAN'T, KNEES."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY LEAVE YOU ON THE COUCH
CUDDLING YOUR CAN OF REDDI-WHIP.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "EATING FAT CAN LOWER
YOUR STROKE RISK, A NEW STUDY SAYS, AS LONG AS IT'S THE RIGHT
KIND."
I WILL NOT READ THE STUDY.
I WILL ASSUME IT'S CHEESECAKE, AND I WILL MOVE ON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT VERY FAST, BECAUSE OF THE
CHEESECAKE.
AND OF COURSE, THE KNEES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE--
FRIENDS, MOST OF THE TIME, A HEADLINE IS PRETTY EASY TO
NAVIGATE.
BUT SOMETIMES, IT'S A JOURNEY THROUGH A TERRIFYING JUNGLE OF
WORDS, CONCEPTS, AND IMAGERY, AND IT'S EASY TO GET LOST.
OUR NEXT HEADLINE IS A DOOZY.
BUT DON'T BE SCARED, WE'RE GOING TO PARSE IT TOGETHER.
SO, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE, MEANWHILE, A "STRIPPER CALLED
'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS
LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE
KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY, AFTER IT WAS
ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE."
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.
THE KEY IS TO TAKE SMALL BITES.
I'M YOUR "MEANWHILE" MAMA BIRD, AND I'M GOING TO PRE-CHEW IT FOR
YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, THERE IS A STRIPPER
CALLED "POLE ASSASSIN."
OBVIOUSLY A STAGE NAME.
HER REAL NAME IS "PAULA ASSASSIN-OWSKI."
( LAUGHTER ) NEXT, SHE HOOKED UP WITH THE
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE
LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS.
NOT SURE WHY THIS GUY IS GETTING ROPED INTO THE STORY, UNLESS HIS
WIFE AND THREE KIDS WROTE THE HEADLINE.
STILL WITH ME?
MS. ASSASSINOWSKI HAPPENS TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
MONKEY.
VERY HOT.
ALTHOUGH, MUST BE KIND OF TOUGH TO GET THE DOLLAR INTO ITS
LITTLE DIAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, LET'S KEEP MOVING OR YOUR
MUSCLES WILL TIGHTEN UP.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
SAID SUPPORT MONKEY "WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD."
FAIR GAME.
IT'S NOT THE KID'S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY.
GET YOUR OWN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ALL THIS HAPPENED AT A
HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE THAT "POLE ASSASSIN" SET UP IN HER
YARD.
I BET IT'S POPULAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, KIDS YOU WANT TO TRICK OR
TREAT AT THE CHURCH BASEMENT, OR THE MONKEY-OWNING STRIPPER'S
HOUSE?" ( LAUGHTER )
NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THE ELEMENTS OF THAT HEADLINE, LET'S
GO BACK THROUGH IT ONE MORE TIME.
"A STRIPPER CALLED 'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE
LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
MONKEY AFTER IT WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN
HAUNTED HOUSE."
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT IT, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE,
THAT ALL MAKES SENSE.
BUT IS THE MONKEY OKAY?" ( LAUGHTER )
YES, THEY GOT HIM AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT STRIPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" SEQUEL IS IN
PRODUCTION, AND IDRIS ELBA WILL PLAY SONIC'S FRIEND KNUCKLES,
THE ECHIDNA, IN THE NEW MOVIE.
THE MOVIE'S CALLED "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2," BUT IDRIS CALLS IT
"SECOND HOUSE."
FANS WERE IMMEDIATELY EXCITED TO SEE IF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2018 WOULD BRING THE SEXY TO THE ROLE, BUT
ALL HOPES WERE DASHED WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT "IDRIS ELBA'S
KNUCKLES WILL NOT BE 'SEXY'," AND ELBA INSISTED,
"CONTRACTUALLY, I CANNOT SAY ANYTHING.
BUT I WOULDN'T SAY HE WAS SEXY.
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING FOR THAT."
OKAY, BUT HERE'S THE THING: WHEN YOU'RE IDRIS ELBA, IT
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR.
IT'S GOING TO BE SEXY!
OKAY, NOT THAT.
NOT THAT ONE.
IGNORE -- IGNORE THE LAST ONE.
A LITTLE BIT.
A LITTLE SEXY.
WELL, IF ELBA'S KNUCKLES ISN'T GOING TO BE SEXY, THAT JUST
MEANS THERE'S ROOM FOR SOME LAZY PRODUCER TO SWOOP IN AND SLAP
TOGETHER THE SEXY KNUCKLES MOVIE THE PEOPLE SO CLEARLY WANT.
AND I'M JUST LAZY ENOUGH TO SLAP IT.
JIM?
>> COMING SOON -- HE'S SO STRONG!
THE HERO WE NEED.
SO HOT!
TO HAVE SEX WITH.
LADIES!
PLEASE!
THERE'S ENOUGH KNUCKLES TO GO AROUND!
( LAUGHTER ) NO, REALLY, I'M AN ACHIDNA.
I HAVE FOUR PENISES.
>> THAT'S REAL.
LOOK IT UP.
SEXY KNUCKLES COMING SOON.
>> PRETTY MESSED UP, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KENNETH BRANAGH.
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR, WRITER, AND DIRECTOR YOU KNOW
FROM FILMS SUCH AS "HENRY V," "MY WEEK WITH MARILYN," AND
"TENET."
HE'S WRITTEN AND DIRECTED A NEW FILM, "BELFAST."
>> I THINK MY DAD WANTS US TO LEAVE BELFAST.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
EVERY NIGHT, BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP, WHEN I SAY MY PRAYERS, I
ASK GOD IF HE'D FIX IT SO THAT WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
I'M THE BEST FOOTBALLER IN THE WORLD.
THEN I ALSO ASK HIM THAT WHEN I GROW UP, CAN I MARRY KATHERINE,
EVEN IF SHE LOVES RONNY BOYD.
SHE CAN STILL SEE HIM BUT SHE WOULD MARRY ME.
THAT'S WHAT I'D WANT.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KENNETH
BRANAGH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HELLO.
HELLO, WHAT A GREAT CROWD.
>> Stephen: ISN'T IT LOVELY.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU, NICE TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: I'M A VERY LUCKY MAN.
I GOT TO SEE YOUR FILM "BELFAST" A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT THE
MONTCLAIR FILM FESTIVAL AND I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE TALKING
TO YOU ABOUT IT.
I FOUND OUT NEXT DAY, SURE ENOUGH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE.
IT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR, MY FAVORITE
MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN MANY YEARS.
IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL AND TENDER STORY OF THIS FAMILY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THIS FAMILY IN NORTHERN IRELAND CAUGHT IN WHAT
WAS CALLED THE TROUBLE STARTING IN 1969.
PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW HOW THIS STORY IS PERSONAL TO YOU.
YOU WROTE THE STORY, AND TELL THEM HOW SO.
>> WELL, I'M FROM THERE, I WAS BORN IN BELFAST AND I LIVED
THERE TILL I WAS NINE.
THE STORY OF THE FILM IS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME
WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD AND IN MY FAMILY.
WE ADVOCATE IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD.
WE LIVED ON ONE STREET WHERE MY FAMILY HAD MANY SIBLINGS, I HAD
MANY COUSINS.
IF YOU WEREN'T RELATED TO HALF OF BELFAST, YOU WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH THE OTHER HALF.
IT FELT AS IF YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE.
AND IN THE SUMMER OF 1969, VIOLENCE SPREAD ON TO THE
STREETS AND THERE WAS A MOMENT WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS HEARING A
SWARM OF BEES A LITTLE WAY AWAY.
IT WASN'T BEES.
I TURNED AROUND, LIFE GOT VERY SURREAL AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE
A CROWD OF RIOTERS COMING UP OUR STREET AND EVENTUALLY SMASHING
THE WINDOWS OF THE CATHOLIC HOUSES.
WE WERE PREDOMINANTLY PROTESTANT STREET BUT LIVING PEACEFULLY
WITH OUR CATHOLIC NEIGHBORS.
THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.
THE GROUND WAS LIFTED, PAVING STONES WERE PUT UP IN A
BARRICADE ON EITHER END OF THE STREET.
WE WERE WALKING ON SAND.
THE LIVING METAPHOR OF THE WORLD TURNING UPSIDE DOWN.
REALLY FROM THAT MOMENT, MY LIFE REALLY NEVER FOLLOWED ANY KIND
OF EXPECTED TRACK.
I MOVED SOMEWHERE, SOUNDED DIFFERENT.
IF I WAS SITTING HERE WITH YOU, I WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I
STAYED IN BELFAST.
BUT IT'S A MOMENTOUS TIME OF LIFE I HADN'T FACED UP TO
PROCESSING UNTIL THE LOCKDOWN WE STARTED A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO
SENT ME RIGHT BACK TO THE LOCKDOWN CREATED WHEN THAT
VIOLENCE CAME AND STRUCK OUR FAMILY.
>> Stephen: THAT STRUCK A NERVE FOR YOU, THAT RESONANCE,
THAT FAMILY EXPERIENCE.
>> YES.
THE FAMILY WENT ON TO CODE RED, THAT WE UNDERSTAND FROM
LOCKDOWN.
WE TOUCHED ON IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THIS IDEA OF THAT MOMENT OR
ANY MOMENT IN EVERYBODY'S LIFE WHERE MAYBE THE JESUITS SAY GIVE
ME THE CHILD TILL SEVEN AND I'LL SHOW YOU THE ADULT, WHERE MAYBE
THERE'S A CROSSOVER POINT OF INNOCENCE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO HAVE A FAMILY AND BE SETTLED, YOU HAVE TO AT SOME
POINT ENTER THE ADULT WORLD.
MY VERSION OF IT WAS SUDDENLY ACCELERATED, IT WAS VERY
DANGEROUS.
IT'S OFTEN VERY EXCITING.
ONCE IT HAPPENED, YOU HAD TO TRY TO NAVIGATE THE NEW WORLD THAT
WAS FULL OF WORRY.
YOU STARTED TO THINK OF A FUTURE YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
YOU STARTED WONDERING IF YOU WOULD BE LIVING IN THE SAME
PLACE.
YOU LOOK FOR REFUGE ANY WAY YOU COULD AND IN MY CASE IT'S
RELIGION, NO GOOD FOR ME.
THAT DIDN'T WORK.
THEY LITERALLY PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN ME AND TOLD ME THERE WERE
TWO ROADS WHEN I LEFT.
I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE.
THERE WAS A LONG AND WINDING AND A STRAIGHT AND NARROW.
I GOT SO OBSESSED WITH IT THAT THAT SORT OF PARALYZED ME.
THE OTHER TWO OR THREE OBSESSIONS WERE FOOTBALL, A GIRL
CALLED KATHERINE AND MOVIES.
SO THAT'S WHERE I TRIED TO FIND A WAY OF MAKING SENSE OF THE
WORLD AT THAT TIME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT DON'T GO AWAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KENNETH BRANAGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY!
WE' RE BACK WITH KENNETH BRANAGH.
IT STARTS OFF IN MODERN BELFAST.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OPENING IS HELICOPTER DRONE SHOTS, LOVELY
SHOTS OF MODERN DAY BELFAST.
THEN IT BECOMES A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE AS IT PASSES OVER
ONE OF THE DIVIDING WALLS.
WHAT ARE THE NAME FOR THEM.
>> PEACE WALLS.
THE INTERFACE BETWEEN THE TWO COMMUNITIES.
>> Stephen: THEN IT'S 1969 AND IT'S BLACK AND WHITE ON THE
OTHER SIDE.
IT CAPTURES THE BEFORE TIME THAT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE AS MEMORIES
OF THEIR CHILDHOOD, ESPECIALLY A CHILDHOOD THAT HAPPENED BEFORE A
TRAUMA THAT LOSES SOME OF ITS COLOR AS A RESULT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT IRISH.
MY FAMILY IS IRISH.
I'M AN AMERICAN THROUGH AND THROUGH, BUT EVERYONE IN MY
FAMILY IS IRISH AND WE HAVE BEEN IRISH FOR FIVE GENERATIONS WE
HAVE BEEN OVER HERE, AND AS A CHILD I HEARD ABOUT THE TROUBLES
FROM MY PARENTS.
THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
I'M JUST A FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE.
I FELT BAD WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO THE MOVIE BECAUSE I FELT
"BELFAST" ONLY CARRIED THE SENSE OF DREAD TO ME, THE STORIES OF
SECTARIAN VIOLENCE.
AND IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL VALENTINE TO YOUR HOMETOWN,
WHICH I WAS INCREDIBLY MOVED BY AND I FELT BAD I HADN'T FELT
BETTER OF YOUR HOMETOWN.
>> IT'S A COMPLEX HISTORY TO THAT PART OF THE WORLD AND THAT
CITY AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF SORROWS AND THERE ARE INCREDIBLE
NUMBER OF JOYCE.
A COPING MECHANISM IS A ROBUST HUMOR.
THEY LOVE LAUGHTER AND MUSIC.
>> Stephen: I WAS SAYING TO JON A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THE
MOVIE IS SO FUNNY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME AND I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING SO IRISH IN MY LIFE.
>> YEAH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S VERY WELL PUT.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOWED IT AT THE BELFAST FILM FESTIVAL WHEN?
>> WE HAD 1400 PEOPLE WATCHING IT, THAT IN ITSELF IN THE
POST-PANDEMIC WORLD WAS A VERY MOVING THING, AND IT WAS AN
ABSOLUTELY ELECTRIFYING ATMOSPHERE.
I DON'T THINK SOMETIMES YOU GET A CHANCE TO GO BACK AND SHARE A
STORY, WITH OF MANY.
EVERYBODY, MAN WOMAN, AND CHILD IN BELFAST HAS A YAWN AND
THEY'RE ALL WORTH A LISTEN.
BUT THIS PARTICULAR ONE THEY GAVE AREAS TO AND THEY STOOD UP
AS ONE AND CHEERED.
IT WAS REALLY ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
MY BROTHER WAS THERE, AND MY SISTER WAS THERE AND A TON OF
COUSINS.
>> Stephen: DOES IT STILL FEEL LIKE YOUR HOMETOWN?
>> YES, YOU CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF BELFAST BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE
BELFAST OUT OF THE BOY.
I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS THE FILM SAID BECAUSE A LOT OF IT IS
ABOUT LEAVING AND A LOT OF PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT, I HAVE
BEEN VERY MOVED BY PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD, AN IRANIAN FILM-MAKER
SAID THAT'S MY STORY, A NIGERIAN SAID THAT'S MY STORY.
WHAT THE STORY SUGGESTS AND HOPES YOU CAN DO IS TAKE YOUR
HOME WITH YOU.
IF YOUR HOME IS MEANINGFUL TO YOU.
I THINK WHERE WE START IS MEANINGFUL TO US, EVEN IF WE
HAVE TO LET IT GO OR GO BACK AND LIVE IN IT IN A SLIGHTLY
DIFFERENT WAY OR MAYBE SOMETIMES CARRY IT INSIDE US.
HOME ISN'T NECESSARILY THE BRICKS AND MORTAR.
IN THIS CASE IT PARTLY IS, BUT IT'S FAMILY.
HOME IS FAMILY.
WE HAD THE USUAL DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
IT WAS WHERE I LIVED WAS NOT AN IDEAL BUT IT WAS UNQUESTIONABLY
A HOME.
GOING BACK AND TOUCHING AND FEELING AND HEARING THE MUSIC OF
IT, THE LANGUAGE, THE ACCENT, AND EVERYTHING, WAS A WONDERFUL
THING TO BE ABLE TO DO.
>> Stephen: YOUR MOVIE FAMILY IS EXTRAORDINARY, TOO, KAREN
HEINZ, JUDY DENCH PLAY YOUR GRANDPARENTS.
AND YOUR ALTER EGO IS PLAYED BY THIS EXTRAORDINARY YOUNG ACTOR
NAMED JUDE HILL WHO WAS JUST NINE YEARS OLD WHEN HE WAS CAST.
WHAT'S IT LIKE DIRECTING SOMEONE THAT YOUNG?
IS IT THE SAME, LIKE IF YOU CAN SAY IT TO A 50-YEAR-OLD, YOU
SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY IT TO A NINE-YEAR-OLD?
>> SUCH AN INTERESTING QUESTION THAT.
I THINK I'M STILL WORKING IT OUT, ACTUALLY.
WHAT WE'RE HOPING TO DO IS MAKE THE MOVIE AS REAL, UNACTED AS
POSSIBLE.
ONE OF THE VIRTUES OF GETTING A NINE-YEAR-OLD BOY, IF HE COULD
JUST BE IN THE MOMENT AND PRESENT, AND LISTEN, HALF OF THE
PERFORMANCE WAS REACTING.
HE HAD THE GIFT AND HE WASN'T THERE NERVOUS.
HE WAS ABLE TO WATCH.
HE'S AT THE POINT IN CHILD DEVELOPMENT WHERE HIS ABSORPTION
OF NEW THINGS WAS HUGE INCLUDING THE ACTING PROCESS FROM WATCHING
PEOPLE LIKE JUDI DENCH AND THE OTHERS.
FOR THE FIRST TWO DAYS, HE COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT THE
CAMERA.
HE KEPT SNEAKING A LOOK.
HE'D THINK HE WAS RATHER GOOD AND HE'D CATCH DWRUS JUST TO SEE
IF THEY'D SEE HIS GOOD SIDE.
AFTER TWO DAYS, SAID, YOU CAN'T KEEP LOOKING THERE.
HE SAID, WHERE SHOULD I LOOK?
I SAID LOOK AT JUDI DENCH, SHE'S EVER SO INTERESTING.
THE OTHER THING HE COULDN'T DO, HE'S A PASSIONATE SOCCER FAN.
MANY PEOPLE BACK HOME ARE.
LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB IS THE CLUB HE SUPPORTS.
MY CHILDHOOD SELF, MY ANCIENT FAN IS A FAN OF TOTTUM FOOTBALL
CLUB.
( APPLAUSE ) HE HAD TO ON OCCASIONS SAY HE
WAS LOYAL TO TOTTUM AND IN REHEARSAL HE WOULDN'T DO IT.
IT WAS THE ONE THING HE WOULD PUT HIS FOOT DOWN ABOUT IT.
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO STAMP OFF TO THE TRAILER.
CAN'T DO IT.
I'LL DO IT IN THE TICK BUT I CAN'T DO IT IN REHEARSAL.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.
>> TOTTUM AND LIVERPOOL WERE THE BOUNDARIES.
>> Stephen: WOW.
KENNETH, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND FOR THIS REMARKABLE
FILM.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "BELFAST" IS IN THEATERS TOMORROW.
KENNETH BRANAGH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELLIE KEMPER.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "THE UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT,"
"BRIDESMAIDS," AND "THE OFFICE."
SHE NOW STARS IN "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE."
>> DID YOU GET MY VOICEMAIL?
YES.
ALL THIS HAPPENED IN THE LAST TWO HOURS?
>> YES, HE'S GETTING THE HOUSE.
SAW IT IN HIS JACKET.
>> WHY DWROINTD TELL ME?
I THOUGHT I WOULD HANDLE IT.
BREAKING AND ENTERING?
I HAD THE KEY.
STILL AGAINST THE LAW.
LIKE THE LIGHT BULB!
THIS IS SO TERRIBLE.
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T DO IT COLUMNIO.
>> GOOD.
LIKE PINOCCHIO!
WE NEED TO TALK.
LET ME THINK.
♪ JOIN IN MY REINDEER GAMES ♪ >> LIKE MONOPOLY!
THAT'S TOO LATE.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" ELLIE
KEMPER!
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU!
OKAY, THANK YOU!
HELLO!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I HAVEN'T WORN HIGH HEELS IN SUCH A LONG TIME I TRIPPED WHEN
I CAME OUT.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: SHE FELL INTO MY ARMS.
LAST TIME WE SPOKE, WE SPOKE OVER ZOOM DURING THE COVID BUT
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN PERSON.
YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.
ALIENS.
>> FIVE-YEAR-OLD JAMES, TWO-YEAR-OLD MATTHEW.
>> Stephen: GOOD GROUPING, FAR ENOUGH APART THEY'RE STILL THEIR
OWN PERSON BUT STILL SHARE A HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
GOOD PLANNING.
>> HOW FAR APART ARE YOUR KIDS?
>> Stephen: NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.
>> YOU ASKED THE QUESTION.
>> Stephen: FIRST AND SECOND WERE THREE YEARS APART, JUST
LIKE YOURS.
>> IT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM "THE OFFICE" AND
"BRIDESMAIDS" AND "THE UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT."
BUT I WAS SHOWING A VIDEO OF SOME OF YOUR EARLY WORK, AND
IT'S A LITTLE SURPRISING.
BEFORE WE GO TO THIS, I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING
HERE.
>> OKAY, SO THIS IS A DRAMATIC TURN BEFORE I TURNED TO COMEDY,
AND BASICALLY I PLAY A VETERAN'S ASSISTANCE WHO HATES DOGS.
I'M VERY -- >> Stephen: THIS IS JUST
PAYING THE BILLS.
>> PAYING THE BILL AND INDUSTRIAL -- IT'S A TRAINING
VIDEO FOR ASPIRING VETERAN ASSISTANTS ON WHAT NOT TO DO.
SO I'M SORT OF A VILLAIN IN HERE.
I'M EXTREMELY MEAN TO THIS DOG.
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE HOW MEAN SHE IS.
>> MY WIFE JUST CALLED.
SHE GOT HOME AND FOUND RASCAL COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR.
I TOLD HER TO DRIVE STRAIGHT HERE AND I'D MEET HER.
>> OH, MY.
OF COURSE, MR. MEYER, WE'LL DO ALL WE CAN FOR HIM WHEN HE GETS
HER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WALTZES IN HERE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE WE
CLOSE AND EXPECTS HIS WIFE TO GET HERE.
>> YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR VOICE.
HE SHOULD KNOW TO USE THE AFTERHOUR EMERGENCY.
YOU G GET TO GO HOME IN FIVE MINUTES, "MEANWHILE!" I'LL BE
HERE FOR ANOTHER HOUR AND FOR WHAT?
>> Stephen: ELLIE KEMPER.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: ELLIE KEMPER, AWFUL, AWFUL, PERSON.
>> AND I LIKE THE END QUESTION, FOR WHAT?
TO SAVE A DOG'S LIFE!
LIKE TO HELP THIS DOG IS FOR WHAT.
>> Stephen: AND WAS THIS TYPE CASTING?
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU GOT THIS PART?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PRETTY EXCITED WHEN YOU GOT THIS PART,
THOUGH, I'M SURE.
>> WHY, JUST BECAUSE IT'S SO JUICY?
>> Stephen: NO, AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR CAREER, I'D
STEP ON A BABY'S FINGER TO GET ANY PART I COULD BECAUSE YOU'RE
SO DESPERATE TO GET ANY KIND OF WORK.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
LOOK INTO THE ENERGY I PUT INTO THAT EYE ROLL.
YES, I WAS VERY EXCITED.
>> Stephen: QUALITY, QUALITY, QUALITY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NOW, "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE," SORT OF REIMAGINING
OF "HOME ALONE," NOT REALLY A SEQUEL, SAME CIRCUMSTANCES.
>> SAME CIRCUMSTANCES, VAGUELY THE SAME STORY.
A REIMAGINING, I LIKE THAT TERM.
SO ROB DELANEY AND I ARE ESSENTIALLY BREAKING INTO THE
KID WHO'S HOME ALONE'S HOUSE THIS TIME.
SO WE KIND OF GET TO BE THE BURGLAR TYPES, WHICH IS FUN.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS, AGAIN -- A VILLAIN.
>> Stephen: YOU SPENT A LOT OF COVID IN ST. LOUIS.
ARE YOU BACK IN NEW YORK.
>> BACK IN NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU RIADJUSTING.
>> I WENT JOCKING AND DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS BEFORE THE
MARATHON SUNDAY AND IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES.
>> Stephen: TO SEE THE MARATHON.
>> TO SEE THE RUNNERS NEAR CENTRAL PARK.
IT'S VERY MOVING.
IT'S METAPHORICAL AND FELT NICE.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALSO LITERAL.
THEY'RE COMING BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
BEING BACK IN NEW YORK IS CELEB SIGHTINGS.
I SAW ONE TWO WEEKS AGO.
>> Stephen: CELEB SIGHTING MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> JUST THE TERM?
>> Stephen: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHETHER I INTERVIEWED THEM.
>> OH, THAT HAS TO BE AWFUL.
>> Stephen: OH, HEY, MAN!
AND HE'S, LIKE, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
>> Stephen: I WAS ON LAST NIGHT.
>> IF YOU RUN INTO ME I'LL CLUE YOU IN.
I WILL SAY I WAS ON YOUR SHOW.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO HATES DOGS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU SPOTTED A CELEB.
I GOT IN THE WAY OF YOUR STORY.
>> YOU DIDN'T.
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE HUGE FANS OF "SUCCESSION."
>> Stephen: GREAT SHOW.
WE SAW TOM WOMSGANS WHO WAS ON YOUR SHOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.
>> HE WAS GOING FOR A JOG AND IT WAS ORCHESTRATED BY FATE.
HE ALL OF A SUDDEN STOPPED RUNNING AND STARTED WALKING AS
WE WERE WALKING PAST TON OUR WA TO THE ZOO.
I SAID, "IT'S THE GUY FROM SUCCESSION"!
HE DIDN'T HEAR US.
HE STARTED WALKING.
MICHAEL IS EQUALLY BIG A FAN OF HIM AND THE SHOW AS I AM.
I SAID, MICHAEL, WE HAVE TO RUN TO THE ZOO.
IT WAS 10:00 A.M.
>> Stephen: LATE TO THE SHOO?
WHAT, ARE THEY GOING TO PUT AWAY THE POLAR BEAR?
>> AND I WAS DOING THE THING -- I WAS BEING SORT OF A LOSER
BECAUSE I WAS DEFINITELY ACTING LIKE I WASN'T LOOKING BUT JUST
KEPT LOOKING AND HE WAS VERY COOL.
HE WAS ON THE PHONE.
>> Stephen: IS IT SUCCESSION OR HIM AS MR. DARCY IN PRIDE AND
PREJUDICE?
>> IT'S BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER, HE CAN DO KIT ALL.
IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN'T DO?
NO, HE'S GREAT!
>> Stephen: I LOVE -- I LOVE -- AND THIS IS SO -- YOU
ARE A MOTHER OF A TWO-YEAR-OLD.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: EVERY TIME YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WALKING YOU GO, SO
WE'RE WALKING -- >> OH!
>> Stephen: THIS IS WALKING.
I'M, LIKE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT YOU'RE ALSO
MOWING CENTRAL PARK AT THE SAME TIME.
SO WE'RE WALKING.
>> GOOD TO BE BACK, I'M MOWING CENTRAL PARK AGAIN.
>> Stephen: ONE THING PEOPLE DON'T GIVE MOTHERS CREDIT FOR IS
HOW LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE TO BATHE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DO I SMELL?
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T SMELL, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I AM SORRY!
( APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY!
>> IT'S BEEN A LONG LOCKDOWN.
>> Stephen: ELLIE, IT'S JUST LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE" COMES OUT THIS FRIDAY ON
DISNEY +.
ELLIE KEMPER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> NOW, CONGRESSWOMAN, A CARTON OF MILK USED TO COST $2, NOW IT
COSTS $26,000 AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON HAS FOUR TIRES, A
STARING WHEEL AND DRIVES LIKE A DREAM!
HOW DOES JOE BIDEN EXPECT ME TO DRINK A CAR?
>> ONE THING EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW IS UNEMPLOYMENT HAS FINALLY
HIT A RECORD NEW LOW UNDER THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION.
WAGES ARE RISING, THE ECONOMY CREATED MORE JOBS IN THE
PREVIOUS MONTH THAN EVEN ECONOMISTS THOUGHT THAT WE
WOULD, 531,000 JOBS ADDED IN THE MONTH OF OCTOBER ALONE.
>> WHEN I WAS A KID, EVERYTHING WAS FREE BECAUSE MY MOM WOULD
PAY FOR IT!
HOW COME BIDEN GOT RID OF THAT?
>> WE ALL KNOW WHY INFLATION IS HAPPENING, EVERYONE IS BUYING
JUNK OFF AMAZON TO USE AS BODY ARMOR FOR THE COMING TALIBAN
ATTACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW.
MY GUEST WILL BE THE GREAT JEFF GOLDBLUM.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.