1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:05,605 >> MATCH.com STUDY CLAIMING THAT 81% OF SINGLE MEN SAY 2 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,309 SEX IS LESS IMPORTANT TO THEM NOW THAN IT WAS BEFORE THE 3 00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:10,410 PANDEMIC. 4 00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:11,344 IN FACT, THE "NEW YORK POST" EVEN HAD AN ARTICLE SAYING 5 00:00:11,411 --> 00:00:15,782 SINGLE MEN JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT SEX ANYMORE. 6 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,017 >> ARE YOU NOT WANTING TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH SOMEONE 7 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,152 SPECIAL? 8 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:21,788 AND WANT A LITTLE MUSIC TO HELP PUT YOU NOT IN THE MOOD? 9 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:30,196 LIBIDLOW RECORDS PROUDLY INTRODUCES... 10 00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:40,240 YOU GET SUCH NONSEXUAL HITS AS... 11 00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:48,648 YOU GET SUCH NONSEXUAL HITS AS... 12 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,418 SO PICK UP A COPY OF "LET'S NOT GET IT ON" TODAY. 13 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:51,951 WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 14 00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:55,522 NOT SEX! 15 00:00:55,922 --> 00:01:03,430 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:05,732 TONIGHT, BRAVE NEW WORLD. 17 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:13,206 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER. 18 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:21,848 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY "STAYHUMAN." 19 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,852 NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 20 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:29,289 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 21 00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:33,760 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY! 22 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,863 HOW ARE YA? 23 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:49,075 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 24 00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:49,976 HELLO, JON! 25 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:55,114 I WANT TO BE WITH YOU IN CASE I GET LOST. 26 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:58,017 ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HEY! 27 00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,053 THANKS, FOLKS. 28 00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:01,221 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 29 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,356 WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 30 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:08,094 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 31 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:11,498 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DAY IN 32 00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:12,165 AMERICA. 33 00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:13,266 HAPPY VETERANS DAY, EVERYBODY! 34 00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,134 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL JOIN RIGHT IN. 35 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:24,244 ALL OF US HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WANT TO EXTEND OUR 36 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,478 HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE SERVED AND SACRIFICED FOR THIS 37 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:26,246 COUNTRY. 38 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,247 WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS OUR GRATITUDE. 39 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,448 SO WE TRIED PICTURES. 40 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,850 IN OUR SPECIAL VETERANS DAY DOME, FEATURING STAFF AND CREW, 41 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:34,687 AND THEIR LOVED ONES WHO'VE SERVED. 42 00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:38,024 THANK YOU AGAIN. 43 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:42,195 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH, YES! 44 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:48,468 >> Stephen: HERE IN NEW YORK, HERE IN THE BIG CITY, THEY HELD 45 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:49,269 THE ANNUAL VETERANS' DAY PARADE FOR 46 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,771 THE 102ND CONSECUTIVE YEAR. 47 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,907 THE FIRST ONE WAS HELD IN 1919. 48 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:57,143 PARADES WERE A LOT LESS FUN BACK THEN, BECAUSE THEY COULD ONLY 49 00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:02,048 MAKE THEM IN BLACK AND WHITE, THEY WERE SILENT, AND ALL THE 50 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:06,052 PEOPLE WALKED LIKE THIS. 51 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:19,566 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE THE PARADE 52 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:20,667 BACK IN FULL FORCE. 53 00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:21,768 LAST YEAR, BECAUSE OF COVID, THEY COULDN'T HAVE PEOPLE 54 00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:26,039 MARCHING, SO THEY ONLY HAD A 100-VEHICLE PARADE WITHOUT 55 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,774 SPECTATORS. 56 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,009 SO, TRAFFIC. 57 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:33,780 ( LAUGHTER ) IT ALSO COULD BE A BIG DAY FOR 58 00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:35,748 THE FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING, BECAUSE THE UNITED 59 00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,017 STATES AND CHINA ANNOUNCED A JOINT AGREEMENT, SAYING THEY 60 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:45,758 WOULD WORK TOGETHER TO DO MORE TO CUT EMISSIONS THIS DECADE. 61 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:49,762 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW, MAYBE, COULD BE 62 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:51,798 SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES AND CHINA 63 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,466 ARE THE WORLD'S TWO BIGGEST POLLUTERS. 64 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,636 OF COURSE, NUMBER THREE IS ANY KEURIG MACHINE. 65 00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:57,770 ( LAUGHTER ) "I TAKE MY COFFEE WITH MILK, 66 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:02,041 SUGAR, AND A LITTLE CUP THAT FITS RIGHT INTO A DOLPHIN'S 67 00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:03,509 BLOWHOLE." 68 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,477 ( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 69 00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:05,845 IT'S TRUE! 70 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:06,412 IT'S TRUE. 71 00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:12,485 COME HERE, FLIPPER! 72 00:04:12,552 --> 00:04:15,688 IT'S HAZELNUT, HOLD STILL! 73 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:16,689 ( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER ) 74 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,191 BUT THIS AGREEMENT IS PRETTY SHORT ON SPECIFICS. 75 00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:19,859 THE NATIONS JUST AGREED TO "ENHANCE AMBITION" ON CLIMATE 76 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,761 CHANGE. 77 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:24,397 "ENHANCE AMBITION" IS A TECHNICAL DIPLOMATIC LEVEL OF 78 00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:26,265 CRISIS-RESPONSE. 79 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,901 IT GOES: ENHANCE AMBITION 80 00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:34,340 ELEVATE ENTHUSIASM BIGGIE-SIZE INITIATIVE 81 00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:38,811 EXTRA-CRISPY, AND TOO LATE, WE'RE ALL DEAD! 82 00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,913 ( LAUGHTER ) IN CORONAVIRUS NEWS, AS THE 83 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:44,617 WEATHER GETS COLDER AND PEOPLE START GATHERING MORE INDOORS, 84 00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,886 CASES ARE ON THE RISE AGAIN, AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING, THE U.S. 85 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,688 COULD FACE A FIFTH MAJOR WAVE. 86 00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:51,090 NO! 87 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,592 NO MORE WAVES! 88 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:54,861 I WAS PROMISED A NORMAL HOLIDAY SEASON! 89 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:57,897 THE FAMILY DINNERS ON THANKSGIVING; 90 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,933 THE CAROLERS ON CHRISTMAS; THE FIGHTS ON BLACK FRIDAY. 91 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,468 AS GOD INTENDED. 92 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,504 THAT'S HOW HE DESTROYED SODOM AND GOMORRAH. 93 00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:07,173 HE TOLD EVERYONE IN GOMORRAH THERE WERE HALF-OFF TV'S AT THE 94 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,509 SODOM BEST BUY. 95 00:05:09,575 --> 00:05:11,511 ( LAUGHTER ) IF WE DO GET A FIFTH WAVE, IT 96 00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:13,880 WON'T EFFECT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY EQUALLY, BECAUSE THE PLACES 97 00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:16,883 HARDEST-HIT TEND TO HAVE LOW VACCINATION RATES. 98 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:20,620 WELL, YEAH. 99 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:22,889 AT THIS POINT, STAYING UNVACCINATED IS LIKE WEARING A 100 00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:27,026 YANKEES HAT TO A RED SOX GAME. 101 00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:27,994 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO END UP 102 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:34,901 IN THE HOSPITAL, AND IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. 103 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:39,205 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 104 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:42,975 BUT LEADERS ARE BRACING FOR A POTENTIAL SPIKE IN CASES. 105 00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:45,978 TAKE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND ROBOT IN THE HALL OF 106 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:49,415 NEVER-GOING-TO-BE-PRESIDENTS, GAVIN NEWSOM. 107 00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,184 YESTERDAY, NEWSOM EXPLAINED WHY HE'S EXTENDING CALIFORNIA'S 108 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:55,688 STATE OF EMERGENCY: >> WHILE WE WERE SPARED THE 109 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:58,891 WORST IN THE SUMMER, THE PROSPECTS OF A CHALLENGING 110 00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,794 WINTER ARE UPON US. 111 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,129 WINTER IS COMING. 112 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,864 WINTER IS HERE. 113 00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,400 >> STEPHEN: MAKES SENSE TO QUOTE "GAME OF THRONES," BECAUSE THE 114 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:13,072 PANDEMIC IS ALREADY WAY TOO LONG AND IT'S NOT GOING TO END WELL. 115 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,208 WE ARE MAKING HEADWAY AGAINST COVID WITH VACCINES AND MASKS. 116 00:06:15,274 --> 00:06:19,145 BUT THERE'S A DOWNSIDE, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, THE 117 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:23,416 WORLD CREATED ABOUT EIGHT MILLION TONS OF PANDEMIC PLASTIC 118 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:27,120 WASTE, AND MUCH OF IT IS NOW IN THE OCEAN. 119 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:27,887 THAT IS SHOCKING. 120 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,823 AND THAT IS WRONG. 121 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,425 IN NEW YORK, WE DON'T THROW OUR TRASH IN THE OCEAN. 122 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:34,894 WE PUT IT WHERE IT BELONGS: PILED UP ON THE SIDEWALK. 123 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:40,900 WHERE IT STAYS FOREVER, SLOWLY TURNING INTO A RAT PALACE. 124 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:46,639 ( LAUGHTER ) RAT PALACE! 125 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,274 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL THIS DISCARDED P.P.E. NOW 126 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:51,010 THREATENS TO DISRUPT MARINE LIFE. 127 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,912 ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, CRUSTACEANS NOW HAVE ENOUGH GEAR TO STAGE 128 00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:58,885 THEIR OWN MEDICAL DRAMA "CRAY'S ANATOMY." 129 00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:03,122 ( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER BIT OF FALLOUT FROM THE 130 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:03,890 PANDEMIC? 131 00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:06,826 PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO THE MOVIES. 132 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:10,530 TICKET SALES STILL LAG NEARLY 70% BEHIND WHAT THEY WERE IN 133 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:11,531 2019. 134 00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:14,901 OF COURSE, 2019 WAS AN ESPECIALLY PROFITABLE YEAR 135 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,903 BECAUSE OF ALL THE DADS GOING TO MULTIPLE SHOWINGS OF "FORD VS 136 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:20,640 FERRARI." 137 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:22,909 ( LAUGHTER ) IT MAKES US FEEL THINGS. 138 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:26,846 TO DEAL WITH THE HIT TO TICKET SALES, SOME MOVIE THEATER CHAINS 139 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:27,980 ARE GETTING CREATIVE. 140 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:31,150 LIKE AMC, WHICH WILL START SELLING ITS POPCORN OUTSIDE OF 141 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:34,887 THEATERS. 142 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,522 OH, MY DEAR, SWEET, SIMPLE AMC. 143 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:39,125 'TIS NOT YOUR POPPED CORN WE DID DESIRE. 144 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:45,565 'TWAS THE BUTTER PUMP. 145 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:54,707 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 146 00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:57,610 THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE LIKE MOVIE POPCORN IS THAT WE CAN 147 00:07:57,677 --> 00:07:59,412 DROWN IT IN AN UNHOLY DELUGE OF LIQUIFIED TRANS FATS SO 148 00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:04,884 UNNATURAL THAT LEGALLY IT CAN'T BE CALLED "BUTTER." 149 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:08,321 IT'S GOLDEN TOPPING, AND IT CONTAINS 100% OF YOUR 150 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:14,227 RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE OF "GOLDEN." 151 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:15,761 ( LAUGHTER ) AMC WILL ALSO SELL COCA-COLA 152 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:19,131 FREESTYLE DRINK OPTIONS, BOTTLED WATER, AND CANDY. 153 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:22,869 PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHOSE FAVORITE PART OF ANY MOVIE IS 154 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,537 PAYING $7 FOR RAISINETTES. 155 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,172 ( LAUGHTER ) THE MOVIE CHAIN WILL SELL THEIR 156 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,908 POPCORN FOUR WAYS, WITH A MICROWAVE-AT-HOME OPTION, IN 157 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:32,879 TO-GO PACKAGES FOR TAKEOUT AND PICKUP, VIA DELIVERY, AND IN 158 00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:34,614 MALL KIOSKS. 159 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,681 THAT'S RIGHT. 160 00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:39,118 TO SAVE THEIR BUSINESS, THEY'RE BETTING ON "MALLS." 161 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:43,089 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 162 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,625 ( PIANO RIFF ) THAT STRUCK HOME. 163 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:46,893 THAT STRUCK A NERVE. 164 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:48,995 >> Jon: THAT'S A LOT, THE MALLS. 165 00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:52,865 >> Stephen: IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY'RE 166 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,567 GOING TO PUT IT ALL INTO PORTABLE CD PLAYERS. 167 00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:55,768 "THEY'RE AMAZING! 168 00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:56,402 YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE YOU'RE WALKING, AS LONG AS YOU 169 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,905 DON'T START WALKING." 170 00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,207 IT'S NOT JUST MOVIES. 171 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,309 THERE'S ANOTHER POPULAR PASTIME THAT'S LOSING APPEAL: GOING DOWN 172 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,911 TO BONE-TOWN. 173 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:10,883 BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE RENOWNED SCIENTIFIC PUBLICATION 174 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:15,121 MATCH.COM, 81% OF SINGLE MEN SAID SEX IS NOW LESS IMPORTANT 175 00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:18,891 THAN IT WAS FOR THEM IN PRE-PANDEMIC TIMES BECAUSE THEY 176 00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:19,759 HAVE BECOME MORE WELL-ROUNDED. 177 00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:23,930 YES, WE'VE ALL BECOME MORE WELL-ROUNDED! 178 00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:28,901 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE'RE WORKING ON IT. 179 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:31,137 ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) 180 00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:34,640 ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCHERS, "IT'S MOST STRIKING IN MEN THAT 181 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:35,875 THEY'RE TAKING A MOMENT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIP 182 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:41,414 CONTEXT OF INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS MORE." 183 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,051 THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS FOR MEN. 184 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:46,385 (AS RESEARCHER) "WE WERE IMPRESSED TO SEE THESE 185 00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:47,520 MEN GETTING MOST OF THEIR URINE INTO THE TOILET, RATHER THAN 186 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:50,356 JUST DROPPING TROU AND MAKING A ROUGH ESTIMATE AS TO THE 187 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:54,393 WHEREABOUTS OF THE BATHROOM." 188 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:58,064 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M SAYING THAT WE'RE AN -- 189 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,733 ANIMALS IS WHAT WE'RE SAYING. 190 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,401 THIS NEW INTEREST IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS IS HAVING AN 191 00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,170 IMPACT, BECAUSE "RATES OF CASUAL SEX ARE DOWN." 192 00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,604 ALTHOUGH THAT COULD BE BECAUSE, FROM WHAT I READ IN THE 193 00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:10,176 TABLOIDS, EVERY AVAILABLE WOMAN IS CURRENTLY HAVING SEX WITH 194 00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:13,612 PETE DAVIDSON. 195 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,481 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: PISTOL PETE. 196 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,583 >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU, PETE. 197 00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:20,086 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF SURVEYS, ANOTHER 198 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,021 SURVEY. 199 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:24,457 THIS ONE FOUND THAT EIGHT OUT OF TEN AMERICANS SAY THEY USE 200 00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,992 SLANG, BUT HALF ADMIT TO NOT EVEN KNOWING THE MEANING OF THE 201 00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:26,892 TERMS THEY USE. 202 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,262 THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING? 203 00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:34,133 T.B.H., THAT IS HIGH-KEY EXTRA "FORTNIGHT" D.M.-SLIDE. 204 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,002 AM I RIGHT, MY BUTT-CHUGGIES? 205 00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:45,644 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AM I? 206 00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:46,879 THE SURVEY HAD SOME SURPRISIN RESULTS ABOUT WHO USES WHICH 207 00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:48,214 SLANG. 208 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,383 TURNS OUT, BOOMERS USE "WOKE" MORE THAN OTHER GENERATIONS. 209 00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,151 WELL, THAT GOT CO-OPTED FAST. 210 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,353 BUT IT'S NOT A TOTAL SHOCKER. 211 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:58,157 BOOMERS ARE ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF BEING WOKE-- AT 4:00 A.M., TO 212 00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,692 PEE. 213 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:02,395 ( LAUGHTER ) ON THE OTHER HAND, BOOMERS HATE 214 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:04,163 "OK BOOMER." 215 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:06,132 ALL RIGHT, GRANDPA. 216 00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:09,668 OTHER GENERATIONS HAD THEIR OWN FAVORITE SLANG WORDS. 217 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,705 MILLENNIALS LIKED "SALTY," MEANING EXCEPTIONALLY BITTER OR 218 00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:16,175 ANGRY, AS WELL AS "THIRSTY" MEANING "NEEDING ATTENTION." 219 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,478 FOR EXAMPLE, SALTY AND THIRSTY MIGHT BE HOW YOU'D DESCRIBE THIS 220 00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:21,647 VIDEO OF MR. PEANUT DABBING. 221 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,816 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 222 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,051 TONIGHT! 223 00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:28,587 MY GUESTS ARE KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER. 224 00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:31,157 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 225 00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:36,028 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 226 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:09,995 ( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 227 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,566 JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 228 00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:16,302 RIGHT THERE! 229 00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,003 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES. 230 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:18,537 YEAH, THERE IT IS. 231 00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:21,807 THERE IT IS. 232 00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:24,076 JON, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND FOR 233 00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:28,214 TONIGHT'S SHOW, JON, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TWO AMAZING GUESTS 234 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:29,381 TONIGHT. 235 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,651 TWO GINGERS, ACTUALLY, KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER ARE 236 00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:33,185 BOTH HERE. 237 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:35,087 >> Jon: A GREAT SHOW. 238 00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,790 >> Stephen: NOT TOGETHER BUT ARE BOTH HERE TONIGHT. 239 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:46,532 IT HASN'T DOM OUT YET BUT IS ABOUT TO, BRANAGH'S MOVIE 240 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:52,705 ( RINGING BELL ) "BELFAST" IS COMING OUT. 241 00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:58,010 IT'S THE MOST IRISH MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN. 242 00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:01,080 HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. 243 00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:02,548 FRIENDS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMPILING THE 244 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,216 MOST CURRENT GEOMETRY QUESTIONS, SPRINKLING IN A TOPICAL SET OF 245 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,519 DATA ANALYSES, FOLDING THEM TOGETHER AMONG THE NEWSWORTHIEST 246 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:10,289 WORD PROBLEMS, THEN PAIRING ALL OF THAT WITH THE DAY'S MOST 247 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:13,926 PRESSING READING PASSAGES TO COLLATE FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY 248 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:17,096 CALIBRATED, BESPOKE S.A.T. TEST THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 249 00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:22,301 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF A PILE OF SALVIA AND 250 00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:25,938 STAGGER INTO A LANDFILL WHERE I FORAGE FOR CRUSTY OLD SUDOKUS, 251 00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:28,274 GRAB A SACKFUL OF USED AND WET MADLIBS, AND CRAZY-GLUE THEM TO 252 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:31,143 THE SPINE OF A DISCARDED "READER'S DIGEST" I FOUND IN A 253 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:34,280 BURNT-OUT WALDENBOOKS, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE ILLEGIBLE 254 00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:38,517 HOBO BUZZFEED QUIZ OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 255 00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:43,789 "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 256 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:44,790 THERE IT IS. 257 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:45,858 THAT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM. 258 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:54,533 THAT IS A SHOT IN THE ARM FOR THIS NATION. 259 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,202 "MEANWHILE!" -- ( LAUGHTER ) 260 00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:57,503 ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, "IT TURNS OUT EXERCISE ISN'T AS 261 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,605 LIKELY TO RUIN YOUR KNEES AS YOU THINK." 262 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,508 WELL THEN STOP RESEARCHING! 263 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,243 THAT'S MY GO-TO EXCUSE. 264 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,512 SOMEONE SAYS "HEY, LET'S GET SOME EXERCISE," ALL YOU HAVE TO 265 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,381 SAY IS "CAN'T, KNEES." 266 00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,316 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY LEAVE YOU ON THE COUCH 267 00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:13,285 CUDDLING YOUR CAN OF REDDI-WHIP. 268 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,854 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "EATING FAT CAN LOWER 269 00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,890 YOUR STROKE RISK, A NEW STUDY SAYS, AS LONG AS IT'S THE RIGHT 270 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:18,524 KIND." 271 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:22,294 I WILL NOT READ THE STUDY. 272 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:26,365 I WILL ASSUME IT'S CHEESECAKE, AND I WILL MOVE ON. 273 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,234 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT VERY FAST, BECAUSE OF THE 274 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,536 CHEESECAKE. 275 00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:33,539 AND OF COURSE, THE KNEES. 276 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,175 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE-- 277 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,510 FRIENDS, MOST OF THE TIME, A HEADLINE IS PRETTY EASY TO 278 00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:39,945 NAVIGATE. 279 00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:42,047 BUT SOMETIMES, IT'S A JOURNEY THROUGH A TERRIFYING JUNGLE OF 280 00:14:42,114 --> 00:14:46,285 WORDS, CONCEPTS, AND IMAGERY, AND IT'S EASY TO GET LOST. 281 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,087 OUR NEXT HEADLINE IS A DOOZY. 282 00:14:48,153 --> 00:14:50,656 BUT DON'T BE SCARED, WE'RE GOING TO PARSE IT TOGETHER. 283 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:57,096 SO, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE, MEANWHILE, A "STRIPPER CALLED 284 00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:00,532 'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 285 00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:02,735 LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE 286 00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:06,538 KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY, AFTER IT WAS 287 00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:14,513 ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE." 288 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,315 ( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH. 289 00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:17,383 WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS. 290 00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:22,121 THE KEY IS TO TAKE SMALL BITES. 291 00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:26,525 I'M YOUR "MEANWHILE" MAMA BIRD, AND I'M GOING TO PRE-CHEW IT FOR 292 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,260 YOU. 293 00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,963 ( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, THERE IS A STRIPPER 294 00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:34,300 CALLED "POLE ASSASSIN." 295 00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,135 OBVIOUSLY A STAGE NAME. 296 00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,604 HER REAL NAME IS "PAULA ASSASSIN-OWSKI." 297 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,940 ( LAUGHTER ) NEXT, SHE HOOKED UP WITH THE 298 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,244 UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE 299 00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:46,512 LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS. 300 00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:49,715 NOT SURE WHY THIS GUY IS GETTING ROPED INTO THE STORY, UNLESS HIS 301 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,318 WIFE AND THREE KIDS WROTE THE HEADLINE. 302 00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:54,520 STILL WITH ME? 303 00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:58,324 MS. ASSASSINOWSKI HAPPENS TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT 304 00:15:58,390 --> 00:15:59,792 MONKEY. 305 00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:00,959 VERY HOT. 306 00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:02,294 ALTHOUGH, MUST BE KIND OF TOUGH TO GET THE DOLLAR INTO ITS 307 00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:06,265 LITTLE DIAPER. 308 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:07,466 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, LET'S KEEP MOVING OR YOUR 309 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,068 MUSCLES WILL TIGHTEN UP. 310 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,135 WE'RE ALMOST THERE. 311 00:16:10,202 --> 00:16:13,038 SAID SUPPORT MONKEY "WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD." 312 00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:13,972 FAIR GAME. 313 00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:16,308 IT'S NOT THE KID'S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY. 314 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,610 GET YOUR OWN. 315 00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:20,946 ( LAUGHTER ) AND ALL THIS HAPPENED AT A 316 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:22,314 HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE THAT "POLE ASSASSIN" SET UP IN HER 317 00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,350 YARD. 318 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,519 I BET IT'S POPULAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 319 00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:28,721 ( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, KIDS YOU WANT TO TRICK OR 320 00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,589 TREAT AT THE CHURCH BASEMENT, OR THE MONKEY-OWNING STRIPPER'S 321 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,459 HOUSE?" ( LAUGHTER ) 322 00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:34,960 NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THE ELEMENTS OF THAT HEADLINE, LET'S 323 00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,529 GO BACK THROUGH IT ONE MORE TIME. 324 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,732 "A STRIPPER CALLED 'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A 325 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:42,267 UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE 326 00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,070 LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT 327 00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:46,905 MONKEY AFTER IT WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN 328 00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:51,643 HAUNTED HOUSE." 329 00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:55,347 NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT IT, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE, 330 00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,217 THAT ALL MAKES SENSE. 331 00:16:58,283 --> 00:16:59,218 BUT IS THE MONKEY OKAY?" ( LAUGHTER ) 332 00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:02,154 YES, THEY GOT HIM AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT STRIPPER. 333 00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:13,265 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 334 00:17:13,332 --> 00:17:16,335 MEANWHILE, THE "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" SEQUEL IS IN 335 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:21,874 PRODUCTION, AND IDRIS ELBA WILL PLAY SONIC'S FRIEND KNUCKLES, 336 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,108 THE ECHIDNA, IN THE NEW MOVIE. 337 00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:26,512 THE MOVIE'S CALLED "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2," BUT IDRIS CALLS IT 338 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:30,048 "SECOND HOUSE." 339 00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,951 FANS WERE IMMEDIATELY EXCITED TO SEE IF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S 340 00:17:33,018 --> 00:17:37,156 SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2018 WOULD BRING THE SEXY TO THE ROLE, BUT 341 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:40,292 ALL HOPES WERE DASHED WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT "IDRIS ELBA'S 342 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,628 KNUCKLES WILL NOT BE 'SEXY'," AND ELBA INSISTED, 343 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,530 "CONTRACTUALLY, I CANNOT SAY ANYTHING. 344 00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:46,298 BUT I WOULDN'T SAY HE WAS SEXY. 345 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:50,536 I DON'T THINK I'M GOING FOR THAT." 346 00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:53,272 OKAY, BUT HERE'S THE THING: WHEN YOU'RE IDRIS ELBA, IT 347 00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:58,310 DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR. 348 00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:00,879 IT'S GOING TO BE SEXY! 349 00:18:00,946 --> 00:18:01,947 OKAY, NOT THAT. 350 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:04,149 NOT THAT ONE. 351 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:06,985 IGNORE -- IGNORE THE LAST ONE. 352 00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:10,189 A LITTLE BIT. 353 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:11,790 A LITTLE SEXY. 354 00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:13,826 WELL, IF ELBA'S KNUCKLES ISN'T GOING TO BE SEXY, THAT JUST 355 00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,561 MEANS THERE'S ROOM FOR SOME LAZY PRODUCER TO SWOOP IN AND SLAP 356 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:18,530 TOGETHER THE SEXY KNUCKLES MOVIE THE PEOPLE SO CLEARLY WANT. 357 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:22,301 AND I'M JUST LAZY ENOUGH TO SLAP IT. 358 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,270 JIM? 359 00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:27,806 >> COMING SOON -- HE'S SO STRONG! 360 00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:31,543 THE HERO WE NEED. 361 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,078 SO HOT! 362 00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,881 TO HAVE SEX WITH. 363 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:36,215 LADIES! 364 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,049 PLEASE! 365 00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:40,319 THERE'S ENOUGH KNUCKLES TO GO AROUND! 366 00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:47,559 ( LAUGHTER ) NO, REALLY, I'M AN ACHIDNA. 367 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,095 I HAVE FOUR PENISES. 368 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:50,596 >> THAT'S REAL. 369 00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:53,198 LOOK IT UP. 370 00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:56,068 SEXY KNUCKLES COMING SOON. 371 00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:57,336 >> PRETTY MESSED UP, RIGHT? 372 00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:00,639 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KENNETH BRANAGH. 373 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:01,940 ( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 374 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:22,494 ( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 375 00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:25,731 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 376 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:26,899 WELCOME BACK. 377 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:32,938 MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR, WRITER, AND DIRECTOR YOU KNOW 378 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,473 FROM FILMS SUCH AS "HENRY V," "MY WEEK WITH MARILYN," AND 379 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:35,974 "TENET." 380 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:43,448 HE'S WRITTEN AND DIRECTED A NEW FILM, "BELFAST." 381 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:50,188 >> I THINK MY DAD WANTS US TO LEAVE BELFAST. 382 00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:53,258 >> WHAT DO YOU WANT? 383 00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:58,764 EVERY NIGHT, BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP, WHEN I SAY MY PRAYERS, I 384 00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:03,201 ASK GOD IF HE'D FIX IT SO THAT WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING 385 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:05,437 I'M THE BEST FOOTBALLER IN THE WORLD. 386 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:11,076 THEN I ALSO ASK HIM THAT WHEN I GROW UP, CAN I MARRY KATHERINE, 387 00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:13,712 EVEN IF SHE LOVES RONNY BOYD. 388 00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,782 SHE CAN STILL SEE HIM BUT SHE WOULD MARRY ME. 389 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:20,018 THAT'S WHAT I'D WANT. 390 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:22,187 >> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KENNETH 391 00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:23,956 BRANAGH! 392 00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:35,534 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 393 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,836 >> Stephen: HELLO. 394 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:38,904 HELLO, WHAT A GREAT CROWD. 395 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,105 >> Stephen: ISN'T IT LOVELY. 396 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:40,973 YEAH. 397 00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:42,174 >> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN. 398 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,308 >> THANK YOU, NICE TO BE BACK. 399 00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,577 >> Stephen: I'M A VERY LUCKY MAN. 400 00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:51,383 I GOT TO SEE YOUR FILM "BELFAST" A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT THE 401 00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,452 MONTCLAIR FILM FESTIVAL AND I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE TALKING 402 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:54,620 TO YOU ABOUT IT. 403 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:58,156 I FOUND OUT NEXT DAY, SURE ENOUGH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE. 404 00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:02,728 IT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR, MY FAVORITE 405 00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:04,062 MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN MANY YEARS. 406 00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:08,533 IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL AND TENDER STORY OF THIS FAMILY. 407 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,701 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU. 408 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,237 >> Stephen: THIS FAMILY IN NORTHERN IRELAND CAUGHT IN WHAT 409 00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:15,540 WAS CALLED THE TROUBLE STARTING IN 1969. 410 00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:18,276 PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW HOW THIS STORY IS PERSONAL TO YOU. 411 00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:21,179 YOU WROTE THE STORY, AND TELL THEM HOW SO. 412 00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:25,550 >> WELL, I'M FROM THERE, I WAS BORN IN BELFAST AND I LIVED 413 00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:26,752 THERE TILL I WAS NINE. 414 00:21:26,818 --> 00:21:29,955 THE STORY OF THE FILM IS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME 415 00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:35,594 WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD AND IN MY FAMILY. 416 00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:37,863 WE ADVOCATE IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD. 417 00:21:37,929 --> 00:21:42,401 WE LIVED ON ONE STREET WHERE MY FAMILY HAD MANY SIBLINGS, I HAD 418 00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:43,602 MANY COUSINS. 419 00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:46,104 IF YOU WEREN'T RELATED TO HALF OF BELFAST, YOU WENT TO SCHOOL 420 00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:47,272 WITH THE OTHER HALF. 421 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,775 IT FELT AS IF YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE. 422 00:21:49,841 --> 00:21:53,412 AND IN THE SUMMER OF 1969, VIOLENCE SPREAD ON TO THE 423 00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:56,048 STREETS AND THERE WAS A MOMENT WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS HEARING A 424 00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:59,017 SWARM OF BEES A LITTLE WAY AWAY. 425 00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:00,252 IT WASN'T BEES. 426 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:03,488 I TURNED AROUND, LIFE GOT VERY SURREAL AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE 427 00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:09,728 A CROWD OF RIOTERS COMING UP OUR STREET AND EVENTUALLY SMASHING 428 00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:12,230 THE WINDOWS OF THE CATHOLIC HOUSES. 429 00:22:12,297 --> 00:22:18,537 WE WERE PREDOMINANTLY PROTESTANT STREET BUT LIVING PEACEFULLY 430 00:22:18,603 --> 00:22:20,672 WITH OUR CATHOLIC NEIGHBORS. 431 00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:22,340 THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. 432 00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:27,612 THE GROUND WAS LIFTED, PAVING STONES WERE PUT UP IN A 433 00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:30,382 BARRICADE ON EITHER END OF THE STREET. 434 00:22:30,449 --> 00:22:31,616 WE WERE WALKING ON SAND. 435 00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:34,453 THE LIVING METAPHOR OF THE WORLD TURNING UPSIDE DOWN. 436 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:39,091 REALLY FROM THAT MOMENT, MY LIFE REALLY NEVER FOLLOWED ANY KIND 437 00:22:39,157 --> 00:22:41,393 OF EXPECTED TRACK. 438 00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,329 I MOVED SOMEWHERE, SOUNDED DIFFERENT. 439 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:48,333 IF I WAS SITTING HERE WITH YOU, I WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I 440 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,302 STAYED IN BELFAST. 441 00:22:50,368 --> 00:22:55,340 BUT IT'S A MOMENTOUS TIME OF LIFE I HADN'T FACED UP TO 442 00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:58,710 PROCESSING UNTIL THE LOCKDOWN WE STARTED A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO 443 00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:03,248 SENT ME RIGHT BACK TO THE LOCKDOWN CREATED WHEN THAT 444 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:07,085 VIOLENCE CAME AND STRUCK OUR FAMILY. 445 00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:11,389 >> Stephen: THAT STRUCK A NERVE FOR YOU, THAT RESONANCE, 446 00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:13,592 THAT FAMILY EXPERIENCE. 447 00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:14,726 >> YES. 448 00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:17,963 THE FAMILY WENT ON TO CODE RED, THAT WE UNDERSTAND FROM 449 00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:19,231 LOCKDOWN. 450 00:23:19,297 --> 00:23:22,768 WE TOUCHED ON IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THIS IDEA OF THAT MOMENT OR 451 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:28,840 ANY MOMENT IN EVERYBODY'S LIFE WHERE MAYBE THE JESUITS SAY GIVE 452 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:33,578 ME THE CHILD TILL SEVEN AND I'LL SHOW YOU THE ADULT, WHERE MAYBE 453 00:23:33,645 --> 00:23:38,416 THERE'S A CROSSOVER POINT OF INNOCENCE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY 454 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:41,586 ENOUGH TO HAVE A FAMILY AND BE SETTLED, YOU HAVE TO AT SOME 455 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:44,122 POINT ENTER THE ADULT WORLD. 456 00:23:44,189 --> 00:23:48,760 MY VERSION OF IT WAS SUDDENLY ACCELERATED, IT WAS VERY 457 00:23:48,827 --> 00:23:49,361 DANGEROUS. 458 00:23:49,427 --> 00:23:50,595 IT'S OFTEN VERY EXCITING. 459 00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:55,167 ONCE IT HAPPENED, YOU HAD TO TRY TO NAVIGATE THE NEW WORLD THAT 460 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:56,434 WAS FULL OF WORRY. 461 00:23:56,501 --> 00:24:00,038 YOU STARTED TO THINK OF A FUTURE YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 462 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,841 YOU STARTED WONDERING IF YOU WOULD BE LIVING IN THE SAME 463 00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:04,009 PLACE. 464 00:24:04,075 --> 00:24:09,080 YOU LOOK FOR REFUGE ANY WAY YOU COULD AND IN MY CASE IT'S 465 00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:10,315 RELIGION, NO GOOD FOR ME. 466 00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:11,550 THAT DIDN'T WORK. 467 00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:19,191 THEY LITERALLY PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN ME AND TOLD ME THERE WERE 468 00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:22,093 TWO ROADS WHEN I LEFT. 469 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,595 I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE. 470 00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:27,199 THERE WAS A LONG AND WINDING AND A STRAIGHT AND NARROW. 471 00:24:27,265 --> 00:24:31,503 I GOT SO OBSESSED WITH IT THAT THAT SORT OF PARALYZED ME. 472 00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:36,441 THE OTHER TWO OR THREE OBSESSIONS WERE FOOTBALL, A GIRL 473 00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:37,642 CALLED KATHERINE AND MOVIES. 474 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:41,379 SO THAT'S WHERE I TRIED TO FIND A WAY OF MAKING SENSE OF THE 475 00:24:41,446 --> 00:24:42,614 WORLD AT THAT TIME. 476 00:24:42,681 --> 00:24:47,319 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT DON'T GO AWAY. 477 00:24:47,385 --> 00:24:49,921 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KENNETH BRANAGH. 478 00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:51,022 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 479 00:24:59,064 --> 00:24:59,731 >> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY! 480 00:24:59,798 --> 00:25:02,334 WE' RE BACK WITH KENNETH BRANAGH. 481 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,137 IT STARTS OFF IN MODERN BELFAST. 482 00:25:06,204 --> 00:25:07,205 >> YES. 483 00:25:07,272 --> 00:25:09,407 >> Stephen: OPENING IS HELICOPTER DRONE SHOTS, LOVELY 484 00:25:09,474 --> 00:25:11,142 SHOTS OF MODERN DAY BELFAST. 485 00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:14,412 THEN IT BECOMES A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE AS IT PASSES OVER 486 00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:18,149 ONE OF THE DIVIDING WALLS. 487 00:25:18,216 --> 00:25:20,518 WHAT ARE THE NAME FOR THEM. 488 00:25:20,585 --> 00:25:21,419 >> PEACE WALLS. 489 00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:22,587 THE INTERFACE BETWEEN THE TWO COMMUNITIES. 490 00:25:22,654 --> 00:25:25,724 >> Stephen: THEN IT'S 1969 AND IT'S BLACK AND WHITE ON THE 491 00:25:25,790 --> 00:25:26,992 OTHER SIDE. 492 00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:30,028 IT CAPTURES THE BEFORE TIME THAT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE AS MEMORIES 493 00:25:30,095 --> 00:25:34,132 OF THEIR CHILDHOOD, ESPECIALLY A CHILDHOOD THAT HAPPENED BEFORE A 494 00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:36,935 TRAUMA THAT LOSES SOME OF ITS COLOR AS A RESULT. 495 00:25:37,002 --> 00:25:44,776 >> YEAH. 496 00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:46,745 >> Stephen: I'M NOT IRISH. 497 00:25:46,811 --> 00:25:47,879 MY FAMILY IS IRISH. 498 00:25:47,946 --> 00:25:50,081 I'M AN AMERICAN THROUGH AND THROUGH, BUT EVERYONE IN MY 499 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:52,884 FAMILY IS IRISH AND WE HAVE BEEN IRISH FOR FIVE GENERATIONS WE 500 00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:57,122 HAVE BEEN OVER HERE, AND AS A CHILD I HEARD ABOUT THE TROUBLES 501 00:25:57,188 --> 00:25:57,989 FROM MY PARENTS. 502 00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,357 THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. 503 00:25:59,424 --> 00:26:01,593 I'M JUST A FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE. 504 00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:08,033 I FELT BAD WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO THE MOVIE BECAUSE I FELT 505 00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:10,669 "BELFAST" ONLY CARRIED THE SENSE OF DREAD TO ME, THE STORIES OF 506 00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:11,770 SECTARIAN VIOLENCE. 507 00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:14,839 AND IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL VALENTINE TO YOUR HOMETOWN, 508 00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:20,912 WHICH I WAS INCREDIBLY MOVED BY AND I FELT BAD I HADN'T FELT 509 00:26:20,979 --> 00:26:22,180 BETTER OF YOUR HOMETOWN. 510 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:25,116 >> IT'S A COMPLEX HISTORY TO THAT PART OF THE WORLD AND THAT 511 00:26:25,183 --> 00:26:31,389 CITY AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF SORROWS AND THERE ARE INCREDIBLE 512 00:26:31,456 --> 00:26:32,557 NUMBER OF JOYCE. 513 00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:35,393 A COPING MECHANISM IS A ROBUST HUMOR. 514 00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:36,661 THEY LOVE LAUGHTER AND MUSIC. 515 00:26:36,728 --> 00:26:39,397 >> Stephen: I WAS SAYING TO JON A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THE 516 00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:42,968 MOVIE IS SO FUNNY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME AND I'VE NEVER SEEN 517 00:26:43,034 --> 00:26:44,636 ANYTHING SO IRISH IN MY LIFE. 518 00:26:44,703 --> 00:26:46,438 >> YEAH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S VERY WELL PUT. 519 00:26:46,504 --> 00:26:54,412 >> Stephen: YOU SHOWED IT AT THE BELFAST FILM FESTIVAL WHEN? 520 00:26:54,479 --> 00:26:57,983 >> WE HAD 1400 PEOPLE WATCHING IT, THAT IN ITSELF IN THE 521 00:26:58,049 --> 00:27:02,087 POST-PANDEMIC WORLD WAS A VERY MOVING THING, AND IT WAS AN 522 00:27:02,153 --> 00:27:03,855 ABSOLUTELY ELECTRIFYING ATMOSPHERE. 523 00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:05,657 I DON'T THINK SOMETIMES YOU GET A CHANCE TO GO BACK AND SHARE A 524 00:27:05,724 --> 00:27:08,360 STORY, WITH OF MANY. 525 00:27:08,426 --> 00:27:12,297 EVERYBODY, MAN WOMAN, AND CHILD IN BELFAST HAS A YAWN AND 526 00:27:12,364 --> 00:27:14,199 THEY'RE ALL WORTH A LISTEN. 527 00:27:14,265 --> 00:27:18,903 BUT THIS PARTICULAR ONE THEY GAVE AREAS TO AND THEY STOOD UP 528 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,071 AS ONE AND CHEERED. 529 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:23,274 IT WAS REALLY ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NIGHTS OF MY LIFE. 530 00:27:23,341 --> 00:27:26,745 MY BROTHER WAS THERE, AND MY SISTER WAS THERE AND A TON OF 531 00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:27,779 COUSINS. 532 00:27:27,846 --> 00:27:29,714 >> Stephen: DOES IT STILL FEEL LIKE YOUR HOMETOWN? 533 00:27:29,781 --> 00:27:33,385 >> YES, YOU CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF BELFAST BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE 534 00:27:33,451 --> 00:27:34,619 BELFAST OUT OF THE BOY. 535 00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:37,789 I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS THE FILM SAID BECAUSE A LOT OF IT IS 536 00:27:37,856 --> 00:27:40,291 ABOUT LEAVING AND A LOT OF PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT, I HAVE 537 00:27:40,358 --> 00:27:46,631 BEEN VERY MOVED BY PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD, AN IRANIAN FILM-MAKER 538 00:27:46,698 --> 00:27:50,802 SAID THAT'S MY STORY, A NIGERIAN SAID THAT'S MY STORY. 539 00:27:50,869 --> 00:27:53,738 WHAT THE STORY SUGGESTS AND HOPES YOU CAN DO IS TAKE YOUR 540 00:27:53,805 --> 00:27:54,639 HOME WITH YOU. 541 00:27:54,706 --> 00:27:56,408 IF YOUR HOME IS MEANINGFUL TO YOU. 542 00:27:56,474 --> 00:27:58,777 I THINK WHERE WE START IS MEANINGFUL TO US, EVEN IF WE 543 00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:02,781 HAVE TO LET IT GO OR GO BACK AND LIVE IN IT IN A SLIGHTLY 544 00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:07,385 DIFFERENT WAY OR MAYBE SOMETIMES CARRY IT INSIDE US. 545 00:28:07,452 --> 00:28:09,721 HOME ISN'T NECESSARILY THE BRICKS AND MORTAR. 546 00:28:09,788 --> 00:28:12,424 IN THIS CASE IT PARTLY IS, BUT IT'S FAMILY. 547 00:28:12,490 --> 00:28:13,525 HOME IS FAMILY. 548 00:28:13,591 --> 00:28:16,494 WE HAD THE USUAL DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. 549 00:28:16,561 --> 00:28:22,167 IT WAS WHERE I LIVED WAS NOT AN IDEAL BUT IT WAS UNQUESTIONABLY 550 00:28:22,233 --> 00:28:23,368 A HOME. 551 00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:25,537 GOING BACK AND TOUCHING AND FEELING AND HEARING THE MUSIC OF 552 00:28:25,603 --> 00:28:29,074 IT, THE LANGUAGE, THE ACCENT, AND EVERYTHING, WAS A WONDERFUL 553 00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:30,241 THING TO BE ABLE TO DO. 554 00:28:30,308 --> 00:28:38,149 >> Stephen: YOUR MOVIE FAMILY IS EXTRAORDINARY, TOO, KAREN 555 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:44,322 HEINZ, JUDY DENCH PLAY YOUR GRANDPARENTS. 556 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:51,329 AND YOUR ALTER EGO IS PLAYED BY THIS EXTRAORDINARY YOUNG ACTOR 557 00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:55,266 NAMED JUDE HILL WHO WAS JUST NINE YEARS OLD WHEN HE WAS CAST. 558 00:28:55,333 --> 00:28:57,702 WHAT'S IT LIKE DIRECTING SOMEONE THAT YOUNG? 559 00:28:57,769 --> 00:29:02,040 IS IT THE SAME, LIKE IF YOU CAN SAY IT TO A 50-YEAR-OLD, YOU 560 00:29:02,107 --> 00:29:04,676 SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY IT TO A NINE-YEAR-OLD? 561 00:29:04,742 --> 00:29:06,444 >> SUCH AN INTERESTING QUESTION THAT. 562 00:29:06,511 --> 00:29:09,547 I THINK I'M STILL WORKING IT OUT, ACTUALLY. 563 00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:14,185 WHAT WE'RE HOPING TO DO IS MAKE THE MOVIE AS REAL, UNACTED AS 564 00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:15,420 POSSIBLE. 565 00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:18,656 ONE OF THE VIRTUES OF GETTING A NINE-YEAR-OLD BOY, IF HE COULD 566 00:29:18,723 --> 00:29:23,394 JUST BE IN THE MOMENT AND PRESENT, AND LISTEN, HALF OF THE 567 00:29:23,461 --> 00:29:24,329 PERFORMANCE WAS REACTING. 568 00:29:24,395 --> 00:29:27,332 HE HAD THE GIFT AND HE WASN'T THERE NERVOUS. 569 00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:28,533 HE WAS ABLE TO WATCH. 570 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,836 HE'S AT THE POINT IN CHILD DEVELOPMENT WHERE HIS ABSORPTION 571 00:29:31,903 --> 00:29:36,975 OF NEW THINGS WAS HUGE INCLUDING THE ACTING PROCESS FROM WATCHING 572 00:29:37,041 --> 00:29:40,478 PEOPLE LIKE JUDI DENCH AND THE OTHERS. 573 00:29:40,545 --> 00:29:44,115 FOR THE FIRST TWO DAYS, HE COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT THE 574 00:29:44,182 --> 00:29:44,682 CAMERA. 575 00:29:44,749 --> 00:29:46,684 HE KEPT SNEAKING A LOOK. 576 00:29:46,751 --> 00:29:50,522 HE'D THINK HE WAS RATHER GOOD AND HE'D CATCH DWRUS JUST TO SEE 577 00:29:50,588 --> 00:29:52,323 IF THEY'D SEE HIS GOOD SIDE. 578 00:29:52,390 --> 00:29:56,427 AFTER TWO DAYS, SAID, YOU CAN'T KEEP LOOKING THERE. 579 00:29:56,494 --> 00:29:58,196 HE SAID, WHERE SHOULD I LOOK? 580 00:29:58,263 --> 00:30:02,634 I SAID LOOK AT JUDI DENCH, SHE'S EVER SO INTERESTING. 581 00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:06,271 THE OTHER THING HE COULDN'T DO, HE'S A PASSIONATE SOCCER FAN. 582 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:08,506 MANY PEOPLE BACK HOME ARE. 583 00:30:08,573 --> 00:30:12,577 LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB IS THE CLUB HE SUPPORTS. 584 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:24,088 MY CHILDHOOD SELF, MY ANCIENT FAN IS A FAN OF TOTTUM FOOTBALL 585 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:24,989 CLUB. 586 00:30:25,056 --> 00:30:27,859 ( APPLAUSE ) HE HAD TO ON OCCASIONS SAY HE 587 00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:30,728 WAS LOYAL TO TOTTUM AND IN REHEARSAL HE WOULDN'T DO IT. 588 00:30:30,795 --> 00:30:34,532 IT WAS THE ONE THING HE WOULD PUT HIS FOOT DOWN ABOUT IT. 589 00:30:34,599 --> 00:30:37,835 I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO STAMP OFF TO THE TRAILER. 590 00:30:37,902 --> 00:30:39,604 CAN'T DO IT. 591 00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:42,473 I'LL DO IT IN THE TICK BUT I CAN'T DO IT IN REHEARSAL. 592 00:30:42,540 --> 00:30:45,210 >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE BOUNDARIES. 593 00:30:45,276 --> 00:30:50,048 >> TOTTUM AND LIVERPOOL WERE THE BOUNDARIES. 594 00:30:50,114 --> 00:30:51,182 >> Stephen: WOW. 595 00:30:51,249 --> 00:30:53,918 KENNETH, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND FOR THIS REMARKABLE 596 00:30:53,985 --> 00:30:54,319 FILM. 597 00:30:54,385 --> 00:30:55,286 >> THANK YOU. 598 00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:57,655 >> Stephen: "BELFAST" IS IN THEATERS TOMORROW. 599 00:30:57,722 --> 00:30:58,489 KENNETH BRANAGH, EVERYBODY. 600 00:30:58,556 --> 00:31:00,191 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELLIE KEMPER. 601 00:31:30,989 --> 00:31:31,689 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 602 00:31:31,756 --> 00:31:34,759 WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW! 603 00:31:34,826 --> 00:31:37,795 YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "THE UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT," 604 00:31:37,862 --> 00:31:38,663 "BRIDESMAIDS," AND "THE OFFICE." 605 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:43,101 SHE NOW STARS IN "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE." 606 00:31:43,167 --> 00:31:45,637 >> DID YOU GET MY VOICEMAIL? 607 00:31:45,703 --> 00:31:46,504 YES. 608 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,772 ALL THIS HAPPENED IN THE LAST TWO HOURS? 609 00:31:47,839 --> 00:31:49,040 >> YES, HE'S GETTING THE HOUSE. 610 00:31:49,107 --> 00:31:51,609 SAW IT IN HIS JACKET. 611 00:31:51,676 --> 00:31:52,910 >> WHY DWROINTD TELL ME? 612 00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:55,780 I THOUGHT I WOULD HANDLE IT. 613 00:31:55,847 --> 00:31:56,781 BREAKING AND ENTERING? 614 00:31:56,848 --> 00:31:59,751 I HAD THE KEY. 615 00:31:59,817 --> 00:32:00,752 STILL AGAINST THE LAW. 616 00:32:00,818 --> 00:32:03,354 LIKE THE LIGHT BULB! 617 00:32:03,421 --> 00:32:04,155 THIS IS SO TERRIBLE. 618 00:32:04,222 --> 00:32:07,325 THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T DO IT COLUMNIO. 619 00:32:07,392 --> 00:32:07,792 >> GOOD. 620 00:32:07,859 --> 00:32:08,993 LIKE PINOCCHIO! 621 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:10,028 WE NEED TO TALK. 622 00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:12,630 LET ME THINK. 623 00:32:12,697 --> 00:32:17,602 ♪ JOIN IN MY REINDEER GAMES ♪ >> LIKE MONOPOLY! 624 00:32:17,669 --> 00:32:21,306 THAT'S TOO LATE. 625 00:32:21,372 --> 00:32:25,743 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" ELLIE 626 00:32:25,810 --> 00:32:26,611 KEMPER! 627 00:32:26,678 --> 00:32:37,121 ( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 628 00:32:37,188 --> 00:32:38,690 >> THANK YOU! 629 00:32:38,756 --> 00:32:40,158 OKAY, THANK YOU! 630 00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:40,491 HELLO! 631 00:32:40,558 --> 00:32:41,192 THANK YOU! 632 00:32:41,259 --> 00:32:42,527 >> Stephen: SO NICE TO SEE YOU. 633 00:32:42,593 --> 00:32:43,461 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 634 00:32:43,528 --> 00:32:45,063 >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 635 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,966 I HAVEN'T WORN HIGH HEELS IN SUCH A LONG TIME I TRIPPED WHEN 636 00:32:49,033 --> 00:32:49,734 I CAME OUT. 637 00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,337 >> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT. 638 00:32:52,403 --> 00:32:53,104 >> REALLY? 639 00:32:53,171 --> 00:32:54,672 >> Stephen: SHE FELL INTO MY ARMS. 640 00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:58,343 LAST TIME WE SPOKE, WE SPOKE OVER ZOOM DURING THE COVID BUT 641 00:32:58,409 --> 00:33:01,612 WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN PERSON. 642 00:33:01,679 --> 00:33:05,750 YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHILD. 643 00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:06,718 ALIENS. 644 00:33:06,784 --> 00:33:07,952 >> FIVE-YEAR-OLD JAMES, TWO-YEAR-OLD MATTHEW. 645 00:33:08,019 --> 00:33:11,723 >> Stephen: GOOD GROUPING, FAR ENOUGH APART THEY'RE STILL THEIR 646 00:33:11,789 --> 00:33:14,559 OWN PERSON BUT STILL SHARE A HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER. 647 00:33:14,625 --> 00:33:15,660 GOOD PLANNING. 648 00:33:15,727 --> 00:33:18,196 >> HOW FAR APART ARE YOUR KIDS? 649 00:33:18,262 --> 00:33:20,031 >> Stephen: NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. 650 00:33:20,098 --> 00:33:21,165 >> YOU ASKED THE QUESTION. 651 00:33:21,232 --> 00:33:23,434 >> Stephen: FIRST AND SECOND WERE THREE YEARS APART, JUST 652 00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:24,235 LIKE YOURS. 653 00:33:24,302 --> 00:33:25,269 >> IT'S GOOD. 654 00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:31,542 >> Stephen: PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM "THE OFFICE" AND 655 00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:32,677 "BRIDESMAIDS" AND "THE UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT." 656 00:33:32,744 --> 00:33:36,247 BUT I WAS SHOWING A VIDEO OF SOME OF YOUR EARLY WORK, AND 657 00:33:36,314 --> 00:33:37,448 IT'S A LITTLE SURPRISING. 658 00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:41,886 BEFORE WE GO TO THIS, I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING 659 00:33:41,953 --> 00:33:43,121 HERE. 660 00:33:43,187 --> 00:33:47,525 >> OKAY, SO THIS IS A DRAMATIC TURN BEFORE I TURNED TO COMEDY, 661 00:33:47,592 --> 00:33:53,297 AND BASICALLY I PLAY A VETERAN'S ASSISTANCE WHO HATES DOGS. 662 00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:54,832 I'M VERY -- >> Stephen: THIS IS JUST 663 00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:55,900 PAYING THE BILLS. 664 00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:59,237 >> PAYING THE BILL AND INDUSTRIAL -- IT'S A TRAINING 665 00:33:59,303 --> 00:34:02,707 VIDEO FOR ASPIRING VETERAN ASSISTANTS ON WHAT NOT TO DO. 666 00:34:02,774 --> 00:34:05,143 SO I'M SORT OF A VILLAIN IN HERE. 667 00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:07,111 I'M EXTREMELY MEAN TO THIS DOG. 668 00:34:07,178 --> 00:34:09,847 >> Stephen: LET'S SEE HOW MEAN SHE IS. 669 00:34:09,914 --> 00:34:11,182 >> MY WIFE JUST CALLED. 670 00:34:11,249 --> 00:34:14,452 SHE GOT HOME AND FOUND RASCAL COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR. 671 00:34:14,519 --> 00:34:17,522 I TOLD HER TO DRIVE STRAIGHT HERE AND I'D MEET HER. 672 00:34:17,588 --> 00:34:18,756 >> OH, MY. 673 00:34:18,823 --> 00:34:23,394 OF COURSE, MR. MEYER, WE'LL DO ALL WE CAN FOR HIM WHEN HE GETS 674 00:34:23,461 --> 00:34:24,562 HER. 675 00:34:24,629 --> 00:34:25,897 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WALTZES IN HERE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE WE 676 00:34:25,963 --> 00:34:29,834 CLOSE AND EXPECTS HIS WIFE TO GET HERE. 677 00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:31,669 >> YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR VOICE. 678 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,638 HE SHOULD KNOW TO USE THE AFTERHOUR EMERGENCY. 679 00:34:33,704 --> 00:34:35,039 YOU G GET TO GO HOME IN FIVE MINUTES, "MEANWHILE!" I'LL BE 680 00:34:35,106 --> 00:34:40,812 HERE FOR ANOTHER HOUR AND FOR WHAT? 681 00:34:40,878 --> 00:34:41,345 >> Stephen: ELLIE KEMPER. 682 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:42,346 THANK YOU. 683 00:34:42,413 --> 00:34:43,881 >> Stephen: ELLIE KEMPER, AWFUL, AWFUL, PERSON. 684 00:34:43,948 --> 00:34:47,051 >> AND I LIKE THE END QUESTION, FOR WHAT? 685 00:34:47,118 --> 00:34:49,086 TO SAVE A DOG'S LIFE! 686 00:34:49,153 --> 00:34:51,789 LIKE TO HELP THIS DOG IS FOR WHAT. 687 00:34:51,856 --> 00:34:54,425 >> Stephen: AND WAS THIS TYPE CASTING? 688 00:34:54,492 --> 00:34:55,993 WHY DO YOU THINK YOU GOT THIS PART? 689 00:34:56,060 --> 00:34:57,195 >> I DON'T KNOW. 690 00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:59,096 >> Stephen: YOU WERE PRETTY EXCITED WHEN YOU GOT THIS PART, 691 00:34:59,163 --> 00:35:00,164 THOUGH, I'M SURE. 692 00:35:00,231 --> 00:35:02,333 >> WHY, JUST BECAUSE IT'S SO JUICY? 693 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,269 >> Stephen: NO, AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR CAREER, I'D 694 00:35:05,336 --> 00:35:08,806 STEP ON A BABY'S FINGER TO GET ANY PART I COULD BECAUSE YOU'RE 695 00:35:08,873 --> 00:35:11,476 SO DESPERATE TO GET ANY KIND OF WORK. 696 00:35:11,542 --> 00:35:12,443 >> ABSOLUTELY. 697 00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:14,045 LOOK INTO THE ENERGY I PUT INTO THAT EYE ROLL. 698 00:35:14,111 --> 00:35:15,213 YES, I WAS VERY EXCITED. 699 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:18,316 >> Stephen: QUALITY, QUALITY, QUALITY. 700 00:35:18,382 --> 00:35:19,517 >> THANK YOU. 701 00:35:19,584 --> 00:35:21,452 >> Stephen: NOW, "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE," SORT OF REIMAGINING 702 00:35:21,519 --> 00:35:26,724 OF "HOME ALONE," NOT REALLY A SEQUEL, SAME CIRCUMSTANCES. 703 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:30,027 >> SAME CIRCUMSTANCES, VAGUELY THE SAME STORY. 704 00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:32,396 A REIMAGINING, I LIKE THAT TERM. 705 00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:35,132 SO ROB DELANEY AND I ARE ESSENTIALLY BREAKING INTO THE 706 00:35:35,199 --> 00:35:38,369 KID WHO'S HOME ALONE'S HOUSE THIS TIME. 707 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:41,739 SO WE KIND OF GET TO BE THE BURGLAR TYPES, WHICH IS FUN. 708 00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,342 >> Stephen: WHICH IS, AGAIN -- A VILLAIN. 709 00:35:44,408 --> 00:35:50,114 >> Stephen: YOU SPENT A LOT OF COVID IN ST. LOUIS. 710 00:35:50,181 --> 00:35:51,983 ARE YOU BACK IN NEW YORK. 711 00:35:52,049 --> 00:35:53,251 >> BACK IN NEW YORK. 712 00:35:53,317 --> 00:35:55,553 >> Stephen: ARE YOU RIADJUSTING. 713 00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:58,589 >> I WENT JOCKING AND DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS BEFORE THE 714 00:35:58,656 --> 00:36:01,125 MARATHON SUNDAY AND IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES. 715 00:36:01,192 --> 00:36:02,727 >> Stephen: TO SEE THE MARATHON. 716 00:36:02,793 --> 00:36:07,031 >> TO SEE THE RUNNERS NEAR CENTRAL PARK. 717 00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:12,236 IT'S VERY MOVING. 718 00:36:12,303 --> 00:36:14,038 IT'S METAPHORICAL AND FELT NICE. 719 00:36:14,105 --> 00:36:17,041 >> Stephen: IT'S ALSO LITERAL. 720 00:36:17,108 --> 00:36:17,909 THEY'RE COMING BACK. 721 00:36:17,975 --> 00:36:19,410 ( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT 722 00:36:19,477 --> 00:36:23,214 BEING BACK IN NEW YORK IS CELEB SIGHTINGS. 723 00:36:23,281 --> 00:36:24,315 I SAW ONE TWO WEEKS AGO. 724 00:36:24,382 --> 00:36:28,052 >> Stephen: CELEB SIGHTING MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. 725 00:36:28,119 --> 00:36:29,186 >> JUST THE TERM? 726 00:36:29,253 --> 00:36:31,822 >> Stephen: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHETHER I INTERVIEWED THEM. 727 00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:33,658 >> OH, THAT HAS TO BE AWFUL. 728 00:36:33,724 --> 00:36:36,227 >> Stephen: OH, HEY, MAN! 729 00:36:36,294 --> 00:36:38,529 AND HE'S, LIKE, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. 730 00:36:38,596 --> 00:36:40,331 >> Stephen: I WAS ON LAST NIGHT. 731 00:36:40,398 --> 00:36:43,634 >> IF YOU RUN INTO ME I'LL CLUE YOU IN. 732 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:46,103 I WILL SAY I WAS ON YOUR SHOW. 733 00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:48,506 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO HATES DOGS. 734 00:36:48,573 --> 00:36:49,240 >> YES. 735 00:36:49,307 --> 00:36:49,941 >> Stephen: YOU SPOTTED A CELEB. 736 00:36:50,007 --> 00:36:53,044 I GOT IN THE WAY OF YOUR STORY. 737 00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:54,011 >> YOU DIDN'T. 738 00:36:54,078 --> 00:36:57,481 MY HUSBAND AND I ARE HUGE FANS OF "SUCCESSION." 739 00:36:57,548 --> 00:37:01,252 >> Stephen: GREAT SHOW. 740 00:37:01,319 --> 00:37:08,559 WE SAW TOM WOMSGANS WHO WAS ON YOUR SHOW. 741 00:37:08,626 --> 00:37:09,860 >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME. 742 00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:13,064 >> HE WAS GOING FOR A JOG AND IT WAS ORCHESTRATED BY FATE. 743 00:37:13,130 --> 00:37:16,801 HE ALL OF A SUDDEN STOPPED RUNNING AND STARTED WALKING AS 744 00:37:16,867 --> 00:37:21,706 WE WERE WALKING PAST TON OUR WA TO THE ZOO. 745 00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:25,610 I SAID, "IT'S THE GUY FROM SUCCESSION"! 746 00:37:25,676 --> 00:37:26,544 HE DIDN'T HEAR US. 747 00:37:26,611 --> 00:37:28,446 HE STARTED WALKING. 748 00:37:28,512 --> 00:37:32,216 MICHAEL IS EQUALLY BIG A FAN OF HIM AND THE SHOW AS I AM. 749 00:37:32,283 --> 00:37:34,685 I SAID, MICHAEL, WE HAVE TO RUN TO THE ZOO. 750 00:37:34,752 --> 00:37:35,853 IT WAS 10:00 A.M. 751 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,422 >> Stephen: LATE TO THE SHOO? 752 00:37:38,489 --> 00:37:41,325 WHAT, ARE THEY GOING TO PUT AWAY THE POLAR BEAR? 753 00:37:41,392 --> 00:37:46,030 >> AND I WAS DOING THE THING -- I WAS BEING SORT OF A LOSER 754 00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:49,433 BECAUSE I WAS DEFINITELY ACTING LIKE I WASN'T LOOKING BUT JUST 755 00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:52,003 KEPT LOOKING AND HE WAS VERY COOL. 756 00:37:52,069 --> 00:37:53,204 HE WAS ON THE PHONE. 757 00:37:53,270 --> 00:37:58,142 >> Stephen: IS IT SUCCESSION OR HIM AS MR. DARCY IN PRIDE AND 758 00:37:58,209 --> 00:37:59,143 PREJUDICE? 759 00:37:59,210 --> 00:38:00,444 >> IT'S BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER, HE CAN DO KIT ALL. 760 00:38:00,511 --> 00:38:02,313 IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN'T DO? 761 00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:03,414 NO, HE'S GREAT! 762 00:38:03,481 --> 00:38:07,284 >> Stephen: I LOVE -- I LOVE -- AND THIS IS SO -- YOU 763 00:38:07,351 --> 00:38:09,286 ARE A MOTHER OF A TWO-YEAR-OLD. 764 00:38:09,353 --> 00:38:10,521 >> YES. 765 00:38:10,588 --> 00:38:13,624 >> Stephen: EVERY TIME YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WALKING YOU GO, SO 766 00:38:13,691 --> 00:38:14,992 WE'RE WALKING -- >> OH! 767 00:38:15,059 --> 00:38:16,360 >> Stephen: THIS IS WALKING. 768 00:38:16,427 --> 00:38:22,199 I'M, LIKE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT YOU'RE ALSO 769 00:38:22,266 --> 00:38:25,069 MOWING CENTRAL PARK AT THE SAME TIME. 770 00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:26,537 SO WE'RE WALKING. 771 00:38:26,604 --> 00:38:31,342 >> GOOD TO BE BACK, I'M MOWING CENTRAL PARK AGAIN. 772 00:38:31,409 --> 00:38:33,844 >> Stephen: ONE THING PEOPLE DON'T GIVE MOTHERS CREDIT FOR IS 773 00:38:33,911 --> 00:38:37,648 HOW LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE TO BATHE. 774 00:38:37,715 --> 00:38:43,654 ( LAUGHTER ) >> DO I SMELL? 775 00:38:43,721 --> 00:38:49,593 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T SMELL, NO. 776 00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:53,764 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I AM SORRY! 777 00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,768 ( APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY! 778 00:38:57,835 --> 00:38:58,836 >> IT'S BEEN A LONG LOCKDOWN. 779 00:38:58,903 --> 00:39:01,539 >> Stephen: ELLIE, IT'S JUST LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 780 00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:02,306 >> GREAT TO SEE YOU. 781 00:39:02,373 --> 00:39:03,507 THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 782 00:39:03,574 --> 00:39:09,113 >> Stephen: "HOME SWEET HOME ALONE" COMES OUT THIS FRIDAY ON 783 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:09,680 DISNEY +. 784 00:39:09,747 --> 00:39:10,181 ELLIE KEMPER, EVERYBODY. 785 00:39:10,247 --> 00:39:12,049 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 786 00:39:12,116 --> 00:39:21,325 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 787 00:39:21,392 --> 00:39:24,762 >> NOW, CONGRESSWOMAN, A CARTON OF MILK USED TO COST $2, NOW IT 788 00:39:24,829 --> 00:39:28,265 COSTS $26,000 AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON HAS FOUR TIRES, A 789 00:39:28,332 --> 00:39:31,836 STARING WHEEL AND DRIVES LIKE A DREAM! 790 00:39:31,902 --> 00:39:34,271 HOW DOES JOE BIDEN EXPECT ME TO DRINK A CAR? 791 00:39:34,338 --> 00:39:37,641 >> ONE THING EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW IS UNEMPLOYMENT HAS FINALLY 792 00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:41,812 HIT A RECORD NEW LOW UNDER THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION. 793 00:39:41,879 --> 00:39:45,649 WAGES ARE RISING, THE ECONOMY CREATED MORE JOBS IN THE 794 00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:50,354 PREVIOUS MONTH THAN EVEN ECONOMISTS THOUGHT THAT WE 795 00:39:50,421 --> 00:39:52,623 WOULD, 531,000 JOBS ADDED IN THE MONTH OF OCTOBER ALONE. 796 00:39:52,690 --> 00:39:56,994 >> WHEN I WAS A KID, EVERYTHING WAS FREE BECAUSE MY MOM WOULD 797 00:39:57,061 --> 00:39:57,895 PAY FOR IT! 798 00:39:57,962 --> 00:39:59,430 HOW COME BIDEN GOT RID OF THAT? 799 00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:03,567 >> WE ALL KNOW WHY INFLATION IS HAPPENING, EVERYONE IS BUYING 800 00:40:03,634 --> 00:40:06,437 JUNK OFF AMAZON TO USE AS BODY ARMOR FOR THE COMING TALIBAN 801 00:40:06,504 --> 00:40:06,971 ATTACK. 802 00:40:18,282 --> 00:40:19,016 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE 803 00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:20,017 LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 804 00:40:20,084 --> 00:40:21,185 TUNE IN TOMORROW. 805 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:23,754 MY GUEST WILL BE THE GREAT JEFF GOLDBLUM. 806 00:40:23,821 --> 00:40:25,022 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 807 00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:26,023 GOOD NIGHT.