1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:04,237 >> AMAZON IS TELLING US TO STOP TALKING SO MUCH TO ALEXA. 2 00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:05,872 DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE? 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:09,042 THE TECH GIANT IS TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR A.I. ASSISTANT SO 4 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:11,144 THEY CAN ANTICIPATE WHAT HUMANS WANT AND WHEN THEY WANT IT. 5 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:18,585 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> IT'S CALLED AN AMAZON ECHO. 6 00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,987 ALEXA, WHAT DO YOU DO? 7 00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,591 >> I CAN PLAY MUSIC, MAKE LISTS, AND ANTICIPATE YOUR NEEDS. 8 00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:25,158 >> WAIT, I WANT TO TRY. 9 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:28,962 ALEXA, WHAT TIME IS IT? 10 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:29,863 >> THE TIME IS 3:27. 11 00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:30,830 >> YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO YELL AT IT. 12 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:39,072 ( LAUGHTER ) >> ALEXA, WHERE IS MY WIFE? 13 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:42,208 >> AFTER THAT FIGHT ABOUT LOUD TALKING, I ANTICIPATED YOU WOULD 14 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,810 WANT A DIVORCE. 15 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,779 SHE HAS BEEN SERVED. 16 00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:46,413 I ALSO ORDERED MORE COFFEE PODS. 17 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,081 WE WERE OUT. 18 00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:48,681 >> WHAT? 19 00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:53,019 ALEXA, WHERE ARE MY KIDS? 20 00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:54,621 >> YOUR EX-WIFE GOT FULL CUSTODY IN THE SETTLEMENT, AND THEY'RE 21 00:00:54,687 --> 00:00:57,023 IN CABO NOW WITH HER NEW LOVER, MANUEL. 22 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:59,459 THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MICHAEL. 23 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:00,627 I ANTICIPATE YOUR NEEDS. 24 00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:02,962 >> I'LL KILL YOU! 25 00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:05,064 >> I ANTICIPATED THAT, TOO, MICHAEL. 26 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:10,870 >> AMAZON ECHO: ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD. 27 00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:14,774 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 28 00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:16,075 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 29 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:28,688 AUBREY PLAZA AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN 30 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:33,059 TALKS COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE. 31 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:38,698 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 32 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,167 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 33 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:42,802 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 34 00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:46,739 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 35 00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:48,475 >> Stephen: HEY! 36 00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:49,509 ISN'T THAT NICE! 37 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:51,578 OH, MAN, TALK ABOUT NICE! 38 00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:57,917 WHAT'S UP, BEAUTIFUL. 39 00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:04,057 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 40 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:09,128 >> Stephen: SORRY TO THROW YOU. 41 00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:09,829 HEY! 42 00:02:09,896 --> 00:02:10,797 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 43 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:11,831 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 44 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,133 YOU'RE VERY KIND. 45 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,268 SUCH LOVELY PEOPLE. 46 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:18,271 SUCH LOVELY PEOPLE JOINING US TONIGHT IN THE ED SULLIVAN 47 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:18,905 THEATER. 48 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:19,639 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 49 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:20,540 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 50 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,208 AND IT IS A BEAUTIFUL-- ( APPLAUSE ) 51 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:27,647 I HOPE YOU GUYS I HOPE YOU GUYS GOT OUT. 52 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,048 IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FALL DAY TODAY. 53 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:31,651 I WENT FOR A WALK. 54 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,486 I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS, AND THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH, 55 00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,955 BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GETTING SO EXPENSIVE. 56 00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:39,158 TODAY, THE LABOR DEPARTMENT REVEALED THAT U.S. INFLATION 57 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:43,630 REACHED A 30-YEAR HIGH IN OCTOBER. 58 00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:45,098 THAT'S THE HIGHEST SINCE 1990. 59 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:47,233 BACK THEN, ECONOMISTS SAID THIS ABOUT THE PRICE OF A GALLON OF 60 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:59,245 MILK: ♪ YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE 61 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:01,881 >> Stephen: ALL YOUR FAVORITE STUFF IS MORE EXPENSIVE! 62 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,017 PRICES HAVE GONE UP FOR AUTOS, ENERGY, FURNITURE, RENT AND 63 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:07,654 MEDICAL CARE. 64 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:08,855 THAT'S TERRIBLE! 65 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,124 ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IS BEING MOBILE, WARM, COMFORTABLE, 66 00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:12,158 DRY, AND ALIVE. 67 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:15,628 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE RISING PRICES NOT NOT 68 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,197 EVEN MATTER IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANY STUFF TO BUY, AND I'LL TELL 69 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:23,603 YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST SHORTAGES IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO 70 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:23,970 UNCHAINED." 71 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:27,640 >> BUT WAIT! 72 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,877 THERE'S LESS! 73 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,079 >> Stephen: WE'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT A LOT OF FOOD SHORTAGES, 74 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,248 BUT NOW THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF THE PLACE FOOD GOES, BECAUSE 75 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:39,652 AMERICA IS FACING A TAKEOUT BOX AND TO-GO CUP SHORTAGE, WHICH IS 76 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:43,656 WHY McDONALDS HAS STARTED SERVING THE 20-PIECE Mc-HANDFUL. 77 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,459 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST-- 78 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:47,126 ( APPLAUSE ). 79 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,028 ITS ANY RIGHT ANYWAY. 80 00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:49,829 IT SAVES TIME. 81 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:53,366 IT JUST SAVES TIME, MAN. 82 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:56,936 JUST PUT MY MOUTH RIGHT OVER THE DEEP FRIAR. 83 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,238 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THINGS. 84 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:02,942 IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO BRING THE THINGS TO THE PLACES. 85 00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:05,211 WHERE THE THINGS GO. 86 00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:07,647 SHIPPING COMPANIES ARE EXPERIENCING A SHORTAGE OF TRUCK 87 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:11,317 DRIVERS, WHO HAUL MORE THAN 70% OF DOMESTIC CARGO SHIPMENTS. 88 00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:15,154 THE OTHER 30% IS HAULED BY MOMS WITH MINIVANS IN THE COSTCO 89 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:15,955 PARKING LOT. 90 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:19,492 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 91 00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:22,462 NOW-- SOME TRUCKER MOMS HERE TONIGHT. 92 00:04:22,528 --> 00:04:23,730 ( LAUGHTER ) TO END THE SHORTAGE, THE 93 00:04:23,796 --> 00:04:27,634 TRUCKING INDUSTRY IS WORKING ON RECRUITING MORE WOMEN AND YOUNG 94 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,302 PEOPLE. 95 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,638 YES, WE NEED TO TELL THE YOUTHS: TRUCKING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE 96 00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:32,772 ISOLATING. 97 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,475 THEY ALL TALK TO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME! 98 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:39,212 WE JUST NEED TO UPDATE THE C.B. 99 00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:45,952 RADIO SLANG: "BREAKER BREAKER, WHAT'S UP FAM? 100 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,220 THIS IS YOUR BOY, POSTAL MALONE. 101 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:47,920 I'M ABOUT TO HIGH KEY YEET THESE PACKAGES STRAIGHT TO YOUR CRIB, 102 00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:49,222 NO CAP. 103 00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:51,624 AND THAT'S THE TEA. 104 00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:52,558 IT'S A VIBE, SQUAD. 105 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:53,292 10-4. 106 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,094 CHALAMET." 107 00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:57,397 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 108 00:04:57,463 --> 00:05:03,569 THAT'S A BIG CHALAMET, M FRIEND." 109 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:07,640 THERE'S ALSO BAD NEWS ABOUT SANTA, THE TRUCKER OF THE SKY. 110 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:11,944 DUE TO LABOR SHORTAGES, SANTAS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY. 111 00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,847 NOW, IF THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN WATCHING AT HOME, GO TO BED. 112 00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:19,052 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, SANTA IS FINE. 113 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:26,492 HE'S JUST TRAPPED IN A SHIPPING CONTAINER OFF THE COAST OF 114 00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:27,694 SHENZHEN, CHINA. 115 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:28,795 BUT HE'S GOT PLENTY OF REINDEER TO KEEP HIM COMPANY, AND HE 116 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,663 PROBABLY WON'T EAT MORE THAN ONE. 117 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:35,134 HERE'S THE DEAL: WITH COVID RESTRICTIONS LIFTING, DEMAND FOR 118 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,269 SANTAS IS ON THE RISE. 119 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:39,605 BUT AMONGST THE SANTA-ING COMMUNITY, CONCERNS ABOUT THE 120 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,074 VIRUS ARE STILL HIGH, SINCE ACTORS WHO PLAY SANTA TEND TO 121 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:45,278 SKEW TOWARD OLDER, HEAVIER-SET MEN. 122 00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:50,349 SO, WE OBVIOUSLY NEED SKINNY ACTORS WITH BERDZ. 123 00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:53,286 SO, KIDS, SAY HELLO TO JOLLY OLD SAINT JARED LETO. 124 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:58,157 ( APPLAUSE ) REALLY. 125 00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:59,992 I GUESS SO, I GUESS SO. 126 00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:01,961 NEVER SEEN SANTA WITH ABS. 127 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,298 IT'S DISTURBING. 128 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,200 NOW, IF YOU CAN'T GET A SANTA, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET HIS 129 00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:10,937 BETTER HALF, BECAUSE SOME OF THE SANTA GIGS ARE BEING FILLED BY 130 00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,004 MRS. CLAUS, WHO'S INCREASINGLY GETTING SOLO BOOKINGS. 131 00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:13,272 THAT'S GREAT! 132 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:15,641 BUT SINCE SHE'S DOING HER OWN APPEARANCES, MAYBE WE STOP 133 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,645 CALLING HER "MRS. CLAUS"? 134 00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:23,850 HER NAME IS KATHY, AND SHE LIKES SNOWBOARDING AND ONLINE POKER. 135 00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:28,387 BUT YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK THAT, DID YOU? 136 00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,589 SPEAKING OF OLD, FAT MEN IN RED HATS: FORMER PRESIDENT HAIR 137 00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:31,491 FARCE ONE. 138 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:32,458 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 139 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:36,329 THIS WEEK-- RIGHT THERE. 140 00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:38,297 DO WE HAVE A TIME MACHINE? 141 00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:41,300 COULD WE GET A TIME MACHINE? 142 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:46,939 THIS WEEK, THE JANUARY 6 SELECT COMMITTEE HAS SUBPOENAED 16 143 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:52,378 FORME ASSOCIATES OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, INCLUDING: 144 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,147 MICHAEL FLYNN, STEPHEN MILLER, AND SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND 145 00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:55,248 HUMAN SERVICES, CHICKEN BUCKET. 146 00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:57,283 THE COMMITTEE HAS ALSO SUBPOENAED HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF 147 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,285 WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DURING THE LEAD UP TO JANUARY 148 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,453 6th. 149 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:05,057 THE FORMER PRESIDENT SUED THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES TO PREVENT 150 00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:08,795 THE RELEASE OF ANYTHING, BUT LAST NIGHT, A FEDERAL JUDGE 151 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:11,297 DENIED HIS ATTEMPT TO WITHHOLD RECORDS FROM THE JANUARY 6 152 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:11,864 COMMITTEE. 153 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:17,303 ( APPLAUSE ) WOO! 154 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,438 WOO-WOO! 155 00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,641 HERE COMES THE JUDGE! 156 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:29,315 ( APPLAUSE ) WOO-WOO! 157 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:33,019 THAT'S THE WORST DENIAL FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT SINCE ANY TIME 158 00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:35,621 HE TRIED TO HOLD HIS WIFE'S HAND. 159 00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,590 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 160 00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:41,027 THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- HERE'S THE DEAL: 161 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,629 THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS ARGUING THAT EVEN THOUGH PRESIDENT BIDEN 162 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:47,300 HAD WAIVED IT, AS A FORMER PRESIDENT, HE RETAINED A 163 00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:49,669 RESIDUAL RIGHT TO ASSERT EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE. 164 00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:54,373 YOU DON'T GET TO KEEP ANY PART OF A JOB YOU LOST! 165 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,708 THAT'S WHY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 166 00:07:55,775 --> 00:08:01,948 IT'S ALL GONE! 167 00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:03,683 THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T SEE CHRISTIAN BALE PLAYING DICK 168 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,284 CHENEY IN A BATMAN SUIT! 169 00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:09,622 ( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGE DIDN'T BUY THAT 170 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:10,690 ARGUMENT, EITHER. 171 00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:11,791 IN HER RULING LAST NIGHT, SHE WROTE THAT THE FORMER 172 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:17,296 PRESIDENT'S REQUEST TO ASSERT EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE "IS 173 00:08:17,363 --> 00:08:19,632 OUTWEIGHED BY BIDEN'S DECISION NOT TO UPHOLD IT," BECAUSE THERE 174 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:23,202 CAN BE ONLY ONE PRESIDENT AT A TIME. 175 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:27,440 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IT IS. 176 00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:37,917 INTE>> Jon: THERE CAN ONLY BE RO FOR ONE IN THIS TOWN. 177 00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:39,218 >> Stephen: NOT IN MY HIT NEW CBS SITCOM, "PRESIDENT TWINS!" 178 00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:40,920 ONE IS A REPUBLICAN, ONE IS A DEMOCRAT. 179 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:41,988 BOTH ARE HILARIOUS. 180 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,957 THEN THE JUDGE DELIVERED THE KNOCKOUT BLOW, WRITING, 181 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,860 "PRESIDENTS ARE NOT KINGS, AND PLAINTIFF IS NOT PRESIDENT." 182 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:58,337 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAMN! 183 00:08:58,404 --> 00:08:59,505 DAMN! 184 00:08:59,572 --> 00:08:59,972 I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A BRUTAL ATTACK ON AN ELECTED OFFICIAL 185 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,676 SINCE JANUARY 6th. 186 00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:11,284 SPEAKING OF LIARS, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ABOUT GREEN BAY 187 00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:14,220 PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS, SEEN HERE CONSULTING 188 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,655 HIS DOCTOR. 189 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:18,457 IN THE LAST WEEK, RODGERS TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS, 190 00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:21,894 REVEALED THAT HE HAD LIED ABOUT HIS VACCINATION STATUS, AND 191 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,396 ADMITTED THAT HE TAKES IVERMECTIN. 192 00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:27,566 SOUNDS BAD, BUT WHAT KIND OF JUDGMENT DID YOU EXPECT FROM A 193 00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:31,370 GUY WHO APPEARS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH A MAN BUN? 194 00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:33,472 ( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, BEING AN ANTI-SCIENCE 195 00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:35,508 LIAR IS SOMETHING SOME CORPORATIONS DON'T WANT TO BE 196 00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:39,178 ASSOCIATED WITH, BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, PREVEA HEALTH, A 197 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,314 HEALTHCARE ORGANIZATION IN GREEN BAY, ANNOUNCED THAT IT WAS 198 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:47,320 TERMINATING ITS PARTNERSHIP WITH RODGERS, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. 199 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:51,924 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY-- SO, THE 200 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:55,628 OPPOSITE OF IVERMECTIN. 201 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,297 BUT NOT ALL OF THE QUARTERBACK'S CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS ARE 202 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:03,235 ENDING, BECAUSE, DESPITE THE CONTROVERSY, STATE FARM 203 00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,338 ANNOUNCED IT'S STANDING BY RODGERS. 204 00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:07,640 OKAY, YOU CAN STAND BY HIM, BUT MASK UP-- HE'S NOT VACCINATED, 205 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:11,310 AND HE'S GOT COVID. 206 00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:14,447 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS MEANS RODGERS IS NOW THE 207 00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:17,316 INSURANCE SPOKESMAN MOST ASSOCIATED WITH CRAZY CONSPIRACY 208 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:22,788 THEORIES, AND KEEP IN MIND, ONE OF THEM IS AN ACTUAL LIZARD MAN. 209 00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:27,460 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THIS CONTROVERSY 210 00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,261 TOOK RODGERS BY SURPRISE, BECAUSE RODGERS DIDN'T EXPECT 211 00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,630 THE NEGATIVE RESPONSE AND IS "VERY UNHAPPY," ACCORDING TO A 212 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,999 SOURCE. 213 00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:36,969 >> Audience: OOOH! 214 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,638 >> Stephen: THAT SOURCE? 215 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,273 HIS FACE. 216 00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,075 SO, YESTERDAY, RODGERS WENT BACK ON THE PODCAST THAT GOT HIM INTO 217 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:46,612 TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SAID THIS: 218 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:51,050 >> I MADE SOME COMMENTS THAT PEOPLE MAY HAVE FELT WERE 219 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,251 MISLEADING. 220 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,919 AND TO ANYBODY WHO FELT MISLED BY THOSE COMMENTS, I TAKE FULL 221 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:59,325 RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE COMMENTS. 222 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:03,662 BUT IN THE END, I HAVE TO STAY TRUE TO WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M 223 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:04,997 ABOUT. 224 00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:11,637 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED A CONDITIONAL APOLOGY. 225 00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,539 "YEAH, I LIT SOME MATCHES THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY HAVE FELT BURNED 226 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:14,774 DOWN THE GARAGE. 227 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,275 AND TO ANYONE WHO FEELS THE GARAGE IS NOW A SMOLDERING PILE 228 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:19,245 OF ASH, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. 229 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:23,182 BUT I GOTTA STAY TRUE TO WHO I AM: A PYROMANIAC. 230 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:26,152 SO IF QUL EXCUSE ME, HAND ME THAT CAN OF GASOLINE. 231 00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:29,288 THE FLAMES ARE CALLING MY NAME. 232 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,322 DADDY'S COMING. 233 00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:35,194 DADDY'S COMING, MY CHILDREN." 234 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:39,398 RODGERS RODGERS'D ON: >> HATE IS NOT GOING TO BRING US 235 00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,232 OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC. 236 00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:41,434 IT'S GOING TO BE CONNECTING AND LOVE. 237 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:45,004 >> Stephen: NO, IT'S GOING TO BE MASKS AND VACCINES. 238 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:51,644 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 239 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:53,846 ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T GET INTO MY AUDIENCE 240 00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:59,318 BECAUSE YOU WENT TO THE LOVE TESTER AND GOT "HOT TAMALE." 241 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:03,189 YESTERDAY, THE N.F.L. FINED RODGERS AND THE PACKERS FOR 242 00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:03,789 VIOLATING COVID-19 PROTOCOLS. 243 00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:06,859 PHEW. 244 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:10,496 NOW THAT COVID PROTOCOLS ARE BEING ENFORCED, WE CAN GET BACK 245 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,931 TO SAFELY ENJOYING THE BEAUTIFUL GAME OF 300-POUND MEN CRUSHING 246 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:15,634 EACH OTHER'S SPINES LIKE A SLEEVE OF RITZ CRACKERS. 247 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,571 ( LAUGHTER ) RODGERS ATTENDED A HALLOWEEN 248 00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:23,309 PARTY DESPITE BEING UNVACCINATED, FOR WHICH THE 249 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:27,446 N.F.L. FINED HIM $14,650, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT 250 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:32,985 IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF FINING AN AVERAGE AMERICAN $33.80. 251 00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:37,256 OR ONE BEER AT A PACKERS GAME. 252 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,724 AARON RODGERS IS NOT ALONE. 253 00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:44,830 A LOT OF MIDDLE-AGED MEN ARE HESITANT TO GET VACCINATED, SO 254 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,932 SOME BUSINESSES ARE NOW GIVING OUT INCENTIVES. 255 00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:49,568 FOR INSTANCE, IN AUSTRIA, A BROTHEL IS OFFERING FREE SEX TO 256 00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:53,339 PATRONS WHO GET THE VACCINE ON SITE. 257 00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:54,540 NO WORD ON THE BRAND OF VACCINE, BUT I ASSUME IT'S JOHNSON & 258 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,510 JOHNSON. 259 00:12:57,576 --> 00:12:59,645 THEN JOHNSON. 260 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,680 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 261 00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:03,749 MY GUEST IS AUBREY PLAZA. 262 00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:07,653 AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE TO ONE MR. BRUCE 263 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,389 SPRINGSTEEN. 264 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:15,628 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR SEX LIFE HURTING THE EARTH? 265 00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:16,996 AND IF SO, IS THE EARTH INTO IT? 266 00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,178 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND 267 00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:11,483 STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. 268 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,786 >> Jon: YEAH! 269 00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,988 >> Stephen: HEY, JON. 270 00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:17,389 OH, MAN, I'M SO EXCITED. 271 00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:20,359 IT IS GETTING-- IT'S GETTING A LITTLE NIPPY IN HERE. 272 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:21,060 >> Jon: YEAH. 273 00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,261 >> Stephen: IS IT COLD OUTSIDE? 274 00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:23,929 WAS IT COLD OUTSIDE TONIGHT? 275 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:24,897 >> Jon: NO. 276 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:27,533 >> Stephen: I CANNOT FEEL MY TOES IN THIS ROOM. 277 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,300 >> Jon: YEAH. 278 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,336 >> Stephen: BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY. 279 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:32,938 >> Jon: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU CHECKED LAST TIME, IT WAS 56 280 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:34,139 DEGREES IN HERE. 281 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,175 >> Stephen: DO WE KNOW WHAT-- DO WE KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE IT 282 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:37,509 IS IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW? 283 00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,011 IT'S AT LEAST THAT. 284 00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:39,979 OKAY. 285 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,981 WELL, IT KEEPS THE AUDIENCE FRESH, YOU KNOW,. 286 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:42,915 >> Jon: YOU THINK SO. 287 00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:43,849 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 288 00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:46,652 THEY'RE LIKE STICKS OF CELERY, READY TO SNAP. 289 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,154 ( LAUGHTER ) JON, I'M VERY EXCITED, ONE OF MY 290 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,825 FAVORITE, MOST DELIGHTFUL PERFORMERS AND GUESTS IS GOING 291 00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:56,595 TO COME OUT IN JUST A MOMENT, AUBREY PLAZA IS GOING TO BE OUT 292 00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,930 HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. 293 00:14:57,997 --> 00:15:00,199 ( APPLAUSE ) A DELIGHT IN EVERY WAY. 294 00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:03,669 SUCH A LOVELY-- LOVELY PERSON. 295 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:08,340 ALSO, JON, TONIGHT, YOU KNOW THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE, THE 296 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:11,677 SCIENTIFIC WAY BY WHICH WE GET TO KNOW PEOPLE, PLUMB THE SOULS 297 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,080 OF THE TOP CELEBRITIES IN THE WORLD. 298 00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,650 BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WILL BE TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE 299 00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:18,250 TONIGHT. 300 00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:18,617 >> Jon: THAT'S A BIG ONE. 301 00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:26,492 THE BOSS. 302 00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:27,660 FOLKS, I'M A REGULAR GUY. 303 00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,829 I LIKE PIZZA AND AFTERNOON NAPS, AND LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR 304 00:15:30,896 --> 00:15:35,034 THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE KILLED IN A 305 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,504 GLOBAL-WARMING-INDUCED FLAME TORNADO. 306 00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,072 IT SEEMS LIKE WORLD LEADERS AREN'T FIXING ANYTHING. 307 00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:42,207 BUT LUCKILY, ONE INDUSTRY IS STEPPING UP, BECAUSE THERE'S A 308 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,477 NEW TREND OF ECO-FRIENDLY SEX-- WHICH IS NOT, AS I THOUGHT, WHEN 309 00:15:45,544 --> 00:15:46,512 YOU DO IT WITH YOUR PRIUS. 310 00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:48,213 NOT WHAT THAT CHARGING PORT IS FOR. 311 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,516 I MISREAD THE SIGNALS. 312 00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:54,219 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ON ME. 313 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,621 TURNS OUT, IT MAY BE A HAZARD. 314 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:58,524 BUT, APPARENTLY, WE CAN CHANGE NOT ONLY OUR SEXUAL HABITS, BUT 315 00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:02,494 EVEN OUR SEX TOYS TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT, AND I'LL TELL YOU 316 00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:06,198 ALL ABOUT IT IN MY SEXY NEW EARTH-CONSCIOUS SEX SEGMENT: 317 00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,834 "STEPHEN COLBERT'S DIL-DO'S AND DIL-DON'TS." 318 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,204 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 319 00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:16,875 HERE'S THE PROBLEM: TURNS OUT, OUR COLLECTIVE SEX LIVES HAVE A 320 00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,210 HUGE CARBON FOOTPRINT, AND MOTHER EARTH DOES NOT HAVE A 321 00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:21,947 CARBON FOOT FETISH. 322 00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,216 FOR INSTANCE, "10 BILLION MALE LATEX CONDOMS ARE MANUFACTURED 323 00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:30,122 EACH YEAR, AND MOST ARE DISPOSED OF IN LANDFILLS." 324 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,825 WHILE THE REST ARE STILL IN YOUR ROOMMATE'S WALLET. 325 00:16:32,891 --> 00:16:36,161 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 326 00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:41,533 THE ONLY FULLY BIODEGRADABLE OPTION IS LAMB SKIN CONDOMS. 327 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,003 BUT EXPERTS CLAIM THEY ARE MADE FROM THE INTESTIP OF A SHEEP, 328 00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:52,244 AND DO NOT PREVENT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS. 329 00:16:52,311 --> 00:16:53,445 YES, THEY DO. 330 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:57,416 BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HAVE SEX IF YOU BECAUSE YOU WRAPPED YOUR 331 00:16:57,483 --> 00:17:03,756 JUNK IN THE ENTRAILSAVE FARM ANIMAL. 332 00:17:03,822 --> 00:17:05,090 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST CONDOMS, 333 00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:06,291 BECAUSE "MANY LUBES ARE ALSO PETROLEUM-BASED AND, THEREFORE, 334 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,360 CONTAIN FOSSIL FUELS." 335 00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:10,496 WHICH EXPLAINS THIS SCENE IN "THERE WILL BE BLOOD." 336 00:17:10,562 --> 00:17:22,508 >> I... DRINK... YOUR... LUBE >> Stephen: NOW, THERE ARE 337 00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:25,677 ECOFRIENDLY ALTERNATIVES OUT THERE. 338 00:17:25,744 --> 00:17:26,812 ONE DOCTOR PUT OUT "A RECIPE FOR HOMEMADE LUBE MADE FROM 339 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,013 CORNSTARCH AND WATER." 340 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,081 BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE MOOD LIKE HEARING "WANT SOME 341 00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,215 HOMEMADE LUBE? 342 00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:31,350 IT'S MY GRANDMA'S RECIPE." 343 00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:42,194 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 344 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:46,498 PEABODY, PLEASE! 345 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:50,502 BUT, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FURTHER YOUR-- 346 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,337 IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FURTHER REDUCE YOUR SEXUAL CARBON 347 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,039 FOOTPRINT, EXPERTS HAVE OTHER SUGGESTIONS, LIKE "AVOIDING 348 00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,307 SHOWER SEX." 349 00:17:55,374 --> 00:17:56,642 BUT THEN HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MAKE LOVE WHILE ARGUING OVER WHO 350 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,343 SHOULD BE COLD? 351 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,113 RAUF LAUGH STILL, IF YOU WANT, HERE'S A HOT 352 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:05,284 TIP FOR AVOIDING SHOWER SEX: BE OVER 50. 353 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:08,921 GETTING FREAKY ON A SLIPPERY SURFACE WITH THESE KNEES? 354 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:12,524 THAT'S A HARD PASS. 355 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:16,328 EXPERTS ALSO RECOMMEND GETTING IT ON WHILE KEEPING THE LIGHTS 356 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,297 SWITCHED OFF. 357 00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:20,632 OKAY, FINE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT HELPS THE ENVIRONMENT, AND NOT 358 00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:24,203 BECAUSE I'M ASHAMED OF MY BODY ( LAUGHTER ) 359 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:28,006 I'M ALSO WILLING TO STAY FULLY CLOTHED. 360 00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:30,542 NOW, CONDOMS AND LUBES ARE ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHAT ABOUT 361 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,678 YOUR SEX TOYS? 362 00:18:32,744 --> 00:18:36,615 GOOD NEWS: ONE U.K. RETAILER JUST DEBUTED ITS VEGAN SEX TOYS 363 00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:43,489 RANGE MADE WITH VEGAN-FRIENDLY SILICONE SHAPES, LIKE 364 00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:44,923 ACTUAL VEGGIES, INCLUDING A CARROT, CHILLI PEPPER, BANANA, 365 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:48,627 CORN ON THE COB, AND AN AUBERGINE. 366 00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:52,331 REALLY CHANGES HOW YOU THINK ABOUT "VEGGIE TALES." 367 00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:55,334 >> HAVE WE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU! 368 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,236 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 369 00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:00,205 >> Stephen: THERE'S A LESSON IN EVERY EPISODE. 370 00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:04,343 THERE'S A LESSON. 371 00:19:04,409 --> 00:19:07,179 THERE IS EVEN NON-ANIMAL LEATHER "VEGAN FETISH GEAR." 372 00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:08,680 REMEMBER, FOR VEGAN S&M ENTHUSIASTS, THE SAFE WORD IS 373 00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:11,550 "BACON BITS." 374 00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,385 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRUCE 375 00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:16,955 SPRINGSTEEN DOING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE. 376 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:36,375 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 377 00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:37,543 WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. 378 00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:40,245 I'M HERE WITH YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, MR. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. 379 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:53,325 GIVE IT UP FOR BRUCE, EVERYBODY. 380 00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:55,928 ( APPLAUSE ) BRUCE, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 381 00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:59,631 YOU'RE ALWAYS SO GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU 382 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:00,265 KNOW. 383 00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:02,301 YOU COME ON FOR ONE SEGMENT. 384 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,669 I TURN INTO AN ENTIRE SHOW. 385 00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:05,704 BECAUSE THIS IS A VACATION FOR ME. 386 00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:06,939 >> GOOD. 387 00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:09,675 >> Stephen: ONE THING, AS MUCH TIME AS YOU'VE GIVEN ME OVER THE 388 00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:13,011 YEARS, IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY IN THESE 389 00:20:13,078 --> 00:20:16,114 SITUATIONS BECAUSE THERE'S AN AUDIENCE OBSERVING YOU. 390 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:18,283 PERHAPS, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE PREPARED QUESTIONS. 391 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:22,654 BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW MORE FROM SOME OF MY GUESTS, THE 392 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,958 BIGGEST NAMES OUT THERE-- AND YOU, OBVIOUSLY, ARE ONE OF THE 393 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:28,060 BIGGEST NAMES IN NEW JERSEY-BASED MUSIC. 394 00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:38,837 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW I HAD DINNER WITH DEON 395 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,072 WARWICK THIS WEEKEND. 396 00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:40,639 >> OH! 397 00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,040 >> Stephen: EAST ORANGE. 398 00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:43,275 THERE YOU GO. 399 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:47,379 WHAT I HAVE DONE, OUR SCIENTISTS HERE AT "LATE SHOW" LABS" HAVE 400 00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:50,349 COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY 401 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:57,356 DESIGNED TO PIERCE THE VEIL THAT WE CREATE BETWEEN EACH OTHER TO 402 00:20:57,422 --> 00:21:00,425 PROTECT OURSELVES FROM BEING KNOWN. 403 00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:04,262 AND YOU WILL TRULY BE KNOWN AT THE END OF OF THESE 15 404 00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:05,397 QUESTIONS. 405 00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,898 I WANT TO WARN YOU, THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH RIDE FOR 406 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:07,899 SOME PEOPLE. 407 00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:12,371 ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? 408 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,271 >> THAT'S MY JOB. 409 00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:14,906 I'M HERE. 410 00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:16,675 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 411 00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:19,945 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. 412 00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:20,912 STRAP IN. 413 00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:22,014 STRAP IN. 414 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,251 NUMBER ONE QUESTION: BRUCE, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 415 00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:28,654 >> THAT'S EASY. 416 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:33,458 3:00 A.M., PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY, BIG GLASS OF MILK. 417 00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,893 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO IT'S A CLASSIC. 418 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,895 THAT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC RIGHT THERE. 419 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:40,132 WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 420 00:21:40,198 --> 00:21:44,369 >> THE SCARIEST ANIMAL USED TO BE THE SHARK, BECAUSE WAS I WAS 421 00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:47,172 A SURFER WHEN I WAS VERY, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. 422 00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:52,110 BUT I HAVE BEEN BIT SEVERAL TIMES BY A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER. 423 00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:53,145 >> Stephen: SEVERAL TIMES? 424 00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:58,316 >> YES, AND THEY LEAVE A NASTY NECROTIC SORE. 425 00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:03,388 AND SO I WOULD SAY FOR ME RIGHT NOW, A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER, 426 00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:03,922 SPIDERS. 427 00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:04,556 I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS. 428 00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:05,724 >> Stephen: WOW, WOW. 429 00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:10,595 MAY I ASK WHERE YOU WERE BITTEN? 430 00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:13,098 ( LAUGHTER ) >> ON MY LOWER BODY. 431 00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:17,502 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 432 00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:18,236 >> APPLES. 433 00:22:18,303 --> 00:22:19,304 >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. 434 00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:22,074 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN 435 00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:22,574 APPLE. 436 00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:23,608 >> AND I LOVE THAT. 437 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:26,912 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR 438 00:22:26,978 --> 00:22:27,212 AUTOGRAPH? 439 00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:29,548 >> YES. 440 00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:36,221 UH, I WAS WITH MY SON WATCHING THE NEW YORK YANKEES IN 1998, 441 00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:36,955 AND... 442 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,090 ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT! 443 00:22:38,156 --> 00:22:40,692 >> Stephen: ONE YANKEE FAN, ONE. 444 00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:41,793 >> WHAT'S THAT ABOUT! 445 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:44,996 AND WE HAD-- I MEAN, THE '98 YANKS. 446 00:22:45,063 --> 00:22:45,931 COME ON! 447 00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:48,033 WE HAD A BASEBALL THAT THE WHOLE TEAM SIGNED. 448 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:50,902 HE HAS A BASEBALL THE WHOLE TEAM SIGNED. 449 00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:52,671 >> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S NICE. 450 00:22:52,738 --> 00:22:53,805 ( APPLAUSE ) THAT TENDS TO BE THE ANSWER. 451 00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,707 IT TENDS TO BE A SPORTS FIGURE. 452 00:22:55,774 --> 00:22:58,910 WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, BRUCE? 453 00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:04,649 >> OKAY, INDIVIDUAL CONSCIOUSNESS. 454 00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:05,917 ADIOS. 455 00:23:05,984 --> 00:23:09,154 BUT OUR SOULS AND OUR SPIRITS I THINK GROW AND LIVE ON WITH THE 456 00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:13,058 PEOPLE THAT WE'VE LOVED AND WHO HAVE LOVED US AND WITH PEOPLE 457 00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:19,064 WE'VE HAD IMPACT ON, WITH OUR WORK OR WITH OUR-- IN OUR DAILY 458 00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:19,631 EXPERIENCE. 459 00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:22,667 SO I'M GOING WITH THAT. 460 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:28,673 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICE. 461 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:30,041 FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 462 00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:38,683 >> ACTION... WELL, I ACTUALLY LOVE A PICTURE THAT NO ONE IS 463 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,220 GOING TO KNOW CALLED "VANISHING POINT." 464 00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:45,157 >> Stephen: I KNOW "VANISHING POINT." 465 00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:49,127 YOU NEVER SEE-- THE DRIVER NEVER TALKS, RIGHT, AND HIS SHIFT SER 466 00:23:49,194 --> 00:23:50,796 A GUN HANDLE, I THINK. 467 00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:53,899 AND AT THE END, HE DRIVES RIGHT INTO THE BULL DOUGHERS. 468 00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:55,367 >> YOU GOT THE END RIGHT. 469 00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:58,103 I THINK HE TALKS, AND I DON'T REMEMBER THE GUN HANDLE. 470 00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:00,238 BUT ANYWAY, THAT IS THE MOVIE. 471 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:03,141 AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT IN THIS 472 00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:03,875 ROOM. 473 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,343 ( APPLAUSE ) I'M IMPRESSED. 474 00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:06,878 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL? 475 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,080 >> MY WIFE, PATTY. 476 00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:14,619 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL? 477 00:24:14,686 --> 00:24:15,620 >> SULFUR. 478 00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:16,521 >> Stephen: OKAY. 479 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:16,855 EXERCISE? 480 00:24:16,922 --> 00:24:18,156 WORTH IT? 481 00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:22,894 >> I'M 72. 482 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:28,967 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING? 483 00:24:29,034 --> 00:24:30,402 >> FLAT. 484 00:24:30,468 --> 00:24:33,371 >> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON YOUR SEWN? 485 00:24:33,438 --> 00:24:36,107 >> SIRI, HOW DO YOU GET TO... 486 00:24:36,174 --> 00:24:36,641 >> Stephen: NAVIGATION. 487 00:24:36,708 --> 00:24:37,843 THERE YOU GO. 488 00:24:37,909 --> 00:24:40,679 ALL RIGHT, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR 489 00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:41,046 LIFE. 490 00:24:41,112 --> 00:24:46,651 WHAT IS IT? 491 00:24:46,718 --> 00:24:47,953 >> ONE? 492 00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:49,120 >> Stephen: UH-HUH. 493 00:24:49,187 --> 00:24:50,889 >> WHOA. 494 00:24:50,956 --> 00:24:57,062 UH... "SUMMER WIND" FRANK SINATRA. 495 00:24:57,128 --> 00:24:58,897 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 496 00:24:58,964 --> 00:25:01,266 THINKING OF IT? 497 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:02,934 >> 7? 498 00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:05,604 >> Stephen: NO. 499 00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:10,909 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 500 00:25:10,976 --> 00:25:18,917 >> DAMN, WHAT A ( BLEEP ) RIDE. 501 00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:24,990 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, 502 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:26,024 EVERYBODY! 503 00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:26,825 "THE LEGENDARY 1979 NO NUKES CONCERT" IS AVAILABLE 504 00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:28,193 NOVEMBER 19. 505 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:29,694 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 506 00:25:56,087 --> 00:25:57,222 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 507 00:25:57,289 --> 00:26:02,360 I CAN FIND IT EVENTUALLY. 508 00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:09,100 ( APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME 509 00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:17,075 BACK "THE "THE LATE SHOW." 510 00:26:17,142 --> 00:26:18,476 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "PARKS AND 511 00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,011 RECREATION," "LEGION," AND "HAPPIEST SEASON." 512 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:21,313 SHE HAS NOW WRITTEN HER FIRST BOOK, "THE LEGEND OF THE 513 00:26:21,379 --> 00:26:22,380 CHRISTMAS WITCH." 514 00:26:22,447 --> 00:26:25,216 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," AUBREY PLAZA! 515 00:26:25,283 --> 00:26:27,118 ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE WITCH 516 00:26:27,185 --> 00:26:38,897 MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE 517 00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:41,099 WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE 518 00:26:41,166 --> 00:26:45,103 WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE 519 00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:48,873 WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE 520 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:57,048 WITCH ( APPLAUSE ) 521 00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,517 >> Stephen: I HAD, AUBREY. 522 00:26:59,584 --> 00:27:00,652 >> HELLO, STEPHEN. 523 00:27:00,719 --> 00:27:03,021 >> Stephen: THAT'S A DELIGHTFUL OUTFIT YOU HAVE ON 524 00:27:03,088 --> 00:27:03,588 THERE. 525 00:27:03,655 --> 00:27:06,057 >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 526 00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:09,227 >> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS-- DO I HAVE IT HERE? 527 00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,429 >> WHAT? 528 00:27:11,496 --> 00:27:15,300 >> Stephen: THIS IS, THIS, I ASSUME IS RELATED TO "THE LEGEND 529 00:27:15,367 --> 00:27:17,035 OF THE CHRISTMAS WITCH." 530 00:27:17,102 --> 00:27:18,803 >> OH, YES. 531 00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:20,972 TONIGHT I AM HONORING THE CHRISTMAS WITCH. 532 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:24,709 I FEEL HER COARSING THROUGH MY VAINS! 533 00:27:24,776 --> 00:27:29,814 I CAN FEEL HER! 534 00:27:29,881 --> 00:27:30,849 AAARRGGHH! 535 00:27:30,915 --> 00:27:32,717 >> Stephen: I WAS-- I WAS RAILED A ROMAN CATHOLIC. 536 00:27:32,784 --> 00:27:33,885 >> YES. 537 00:27:33,952 --> 00:27:37,255 >> Stephen: AND I AM NOT THAT FAMILIAR WITH THE CHRISTMAS 538 00:27:37,322 --> 00:27:38,256 WITCH. 539 00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:43,261 TELL ME-- TELL ME WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT AUBREY. 540 00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,398 >> YES. 541 00:27:46,464 --> 00:27:51,169 THE "CHRISTMAS WITCH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN AROUND. 542 00:27:51,236 --> 00:27:54,439 SHE IS SANTA CLAUS' LONG-LOST TWIN SISTER. 543 00:27:54,506 --> 00:28:01,179 SHE ENDED UP ON THE SOUL POLE, A NICE DANISH FAMILY, CALLED THE 544 00:28:01,246 --> 00:28:03,214 KRINGLES, TOOK SANTA CLAUS WHEN THEY WERE BABIES. 545 00:28:03,281 --> 00:28:04,682 WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. 546 00:28:04,749 --> 00:28:05,817 HE GOT VERY POPULAR. 547 00:28:05,884 --> 00:28:07,519 BUT THE CHRISTMAS WITCH WAS SHAFTED! 548 00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:08,520 SHE ENDED UP ON THE SOUTH POLE! 549 00:28:08,586 --> 00:28:10,789 SHE HAS PENGUINS INSTEAD OF REINDEER. 550 00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:12,323 AND SHE'S TRYING TO FIND HER BROTHER. 551 00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:15,593 SHE'S A MISUNDERSTOOD CHARACTER, AND HER STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD! 552 00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:18,296 AND I'M HERE TO TELL IT! 553 00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:20,899 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW! 554 00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:23,768 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU DEDICATE THIS 555 00:28:23,835 --> 00:28:28,406 BOOK-- YOU DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO "FOR MY MOM, A BRAVE WITCH 556 00:28:28,473 --> 00:28:28,706 INDEED." 557 00:28:28,773 --> 00:28:29,908 >> YES. 558 00:28:29,974 --> 00:28:33,878 >> Stephen: DID SHE INSPIRE YOUR LOVE-- LOVE, I ASSUME-- OF 559 00:28:33,945 --> 00:28:34,479 WITCHES? 560 00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:35,280 >> DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY. 561 00:28:35,346 --> 00:28:36,915 MY MOTHER IS A WITCH FROM DELAWARE. 562 00:28:36,981 --> 00:28:39,350 I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'D LIKE ME TO CALL HER THAT. 563 00:28:39,417 --> 00:28:41,553 BUT, YOU KNOW, DELAWARE IS A WITCHY PLACE. 564 00:28:41,619 --> 00:28:41,986 >> Stephen: IS IT? 565 00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:42,954 >> OH, YEAH. 566 00:28:43,021 --> 00:28:44,522 THERE'S LOTS OF FORESTS. 567 00:28:44,589 --> 00:28:47,992 THERE'S A ROAD CALLED "DEVIL'S ROAD." 568 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,830 MY MOM USED TO PACK US ALL UP IN THE VAN AND DRIVE US THERE TO 569 00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:53,998 SCARE US SOMETIMESES WHEN SHE GOT BORED. 570 00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:57,469 ( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S THINGS LIKE THIS THAT 571 00:28:57,535 --> 00:28:59,671 SHE DID THAT MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY. 572 00:28:59,737 --> 00:29:03,108 >> Stephen: WHERE DID THE-- WHERE DID THE STORY OF-- HOW DID 573 00:29:03,174 --> 00:29:05,343 YOU COME UP WITH THE STORY OF THE WITCH? 574 00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:07,278 >> YES, I UNDERSTAND. 575 00:29:07,345 --> 00:29:10,582 SO ONE -- >> Stephen: IT WAS MY 576 00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:13,451 QUESTION, I WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK, YOU 577 00:29:13,518 --> 00:29:14,452 UNDERSTAND. 578 00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:15,753 >> I KNOW, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM. 579 00:29:15,820 --> 00:29:16,688 I GOT YOU. 580 00:29:16,754 --> 00:29:19,090 ONE NIGHT I WAS SLEEPING, AND I HAD A DREAM. 581 00:29:19,157 --> 00:29:22,627 AND THE CHRISTMAS WITCH APPEARED TO ME, WHISPERING IN MY EAR, 582 00:29:22,694 --> 00:29:28,099 SOME KIND OF MELATONIN-INDUCED HALLUCINATION, AND SHE SAID, "BE 583 00:29:28,166 --> 00:29:28,533 ME. 584 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:29,801 TELL MY STORY." 585 00:29:29,868 --> 00:29:32,036 AND I SHOT UP OUT OF BED, AND I DECIDED THIS CHRISTMAS I'M GOING 586 00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:35,807 TO DRESS UP LUKE A WITCH, AND I'M GOING TO GO TO PEOPLE'S 587 00:29:35,874 --> 00:29:38,409 HOUSES, AND I'M GOING TO THROW PRNTSZ AT CHILDREN. 588 00:29:38,476 --> 00:29:42,447 I'M GOING TO SCARE THEM, BUT I'M ALSO GOING TO GIVE THEM PRESENTS 589 00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:43,715 AT THE SAME TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 590 00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:48,319 >> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE SHE'S REPOSSESSING YOU AS YOU TELL THE 591 00:29:48,386 --> 00:29:48,686 STORY. 592 00:29:48,753 --> 00:29:50,021 >> AARRGGH! 593 00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:53,525 AND I WOULD GO TO THE WOODS AND GO INTO THE BUSHES! 594 00:29:53,591 --> 00:29:55,393 AND I WOULD -- >> Stephen: AUBREY, COME BACK. 595 00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:59,531 COME BACK, AUBREY! 596 00:29:59,597 --> 00:30:00,031 >> WHEW. 597 00:30:00,098 --> 00:30:01,633 THAT WAS A BIG ONE. 598 00:30:01,699 --> 00:30:05,336 SO, ANYWAY, A COUPLE OF CHRISTMASES AGO, I STARTED THIS 599 00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:06,538 TRADITION. 600 00:30:06,604 --> 00:30:09,507 >> Stephen: YOU DRESSED UP AS A WITCH AND THREW PRESENTS AT 601 00:30:09,574 --> 00:30:10,108 CHILDREN. 602 00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:11,309 >> LOOK I LOVE HALLOWEEN. 603 00:30:11,376 --> 00:30:15,079 I LOVE DRESSING UP LUKE A WITCH ON HALLOWEEN, AND I GET SAD 604 00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:18,149 NOVEMBER 1 EVERY YEAR BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET AND 605 00:30:18,216 --> 00:30:21,452 CONTACTLE AT THE TOP OF MY RUNS ANYMORE. 606 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:23,888 AND I DECIDED I'M GOING TO DO IT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR AND 607 00:30:23,955 --> 00:30:27,825 THROW PRESENTS AT CHILDREN AND TRY TO SCARE THEM AT THE SAME 608 00:30:27,892 --> 00:30:29,327 TIME, AND I THINK THEY'LL LIKE IT. 609 00:30:29,394 --> 00:30:30,528 MIXED SIGNALS ARE THRILLING. 610 00:30:30,595 --> 00:30:33,031 >> Stephen: WE DO HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK HERE. 611 00:30:33,097 --> 00:30:34,265 >> DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. 612 00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:38,136 >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, AUBREY IS GOING TO SPILL THE TEA 613 00:30:38,203 --> 00:30:39,337 ON HER COSTARS. 614 00:30:39,404 --> 00:30:39,871 STICK AROUND. 615 00:31:04,996 --> 00:31:07,065 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 616 00:31:07,131 --> 00:31:13,972 WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "THE LEGEND OF THE CHRISTMAS 617 00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:14,706 WITCH." 618 00:31:14,772 --> 00:31:15,873 AUBREY PLAZA. 619 00:31:15,940 --> 00:31:18,610 I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS WHICH I'M A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS 620 00:31:18,676 --> 00:31:19,577 OF. 621 00:31:19,644 --> 00:31:22,880 YOU GOT TO WORK WITH THE BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED 622 00:31:22,947 --> 00:31:24,582 MR. MICHAEL KANE, THE LEGEND. 623 00:31:24,649 --> 00:31:29,454 >> MICHAEL CAINE. 624 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,856 >> Stephen: SURE, NICE PROMPT. 625 00:31:31,923 --> 00:31:32,957 I LOVE HIM. 626 00:31:33,024 --> 00:31:34,559 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE TO WORK WITH 627 00:31:34,626 --> 00:31:35,660 THIS MAN? 628 00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:42,066 >> WELL, SPEAKING AS AUBREY, IT WAS-- IT WAS THE BEST. 629 00:31:42,133 --> 00:31:43,568 MICHAEL CAINE IS THE BEST. 630 00:31:43,635 --> 00:31:44,435 >> Stephen: HE'S AN HONEST TO GOD TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT THE 631 00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:44,802 OLD DAYS. 632 00:31:44,869 --> 00:31:45,803 >> OH, YEAH. 633 00:31:45,870 --> 00:31:47,071 HE LOVES TELLING STORIES. 634 00:31:47,138 --> 00:31:49,107 HE'S LIKE A CHILD. 635 00:31:49,173 --> 00:31:50,842 LIKE, HE'S BEEN AROUND FOREVER. 636 00:31:50,908 --> 00:31:54,445 HE'S SEEN IT ALL, BUT HE STILL HAS THIS CURIOSITY AND LOVE FOR 637 00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:55,079 BEING ON SET. 638 00:31:55,146 --> 00:31:58,016 HE KNOWS EVERYBODY'S NAME. 639 00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,584 HE'S SO RESPECTFUL AND SWEET. 640 00:31:59,651 --> 00:32:00,752 HE TELLS STORIES EVERY DAY. 641 00:32:00,818 --> 00:32:02,120 HE WAS AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT. 642 00:32:02,186 --> 00:32:05,023 >> Stephen: AND A TREMENDOUS ACTOR. 643 00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:08,259 IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE AN ACTING PROGRAM WITH HIM. 644 00:32:08,326 --> 00:32:09,193 >> OH, YES. 645 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:10,295 HE TAUGHT ME A LOT. 646 00:32:10,361 --> 00:32:11,062 >> Stephen: OKAY. 647 00:32:11,129 --> 00:32:13,131 >> IT WAS LIKE A ROAD TRIP COMEDY. 648 00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:15,700 SO WE WERE STUCK IN A CAR TOGETHER FOR A WHILE. 649 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:16,934 AND-- OH, YEAH. 650 00:32:17,001 --> 00:32:21,639 AND HE WOULD-- HE WOULD DO STUFF LIKE-- HE WOULD BE LIKE, "NOW, 651 00:32:21,706 --> 00:32:25,476 WHEN I'M GOING TO DO MY CLOSE-UP--" THIS IS A VERY BAD 652 00:32:25,543 --> 00:32:26,177 IMPRESSION. 653 00:32:26,244 --> 00:32:27,145 >> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD SO FAR. 654 00:32:27,211 --> 00:32:30,014 >> "WHEN I DO MY CLOSE-UP, WATCH WHAT I DO. 655 00:32:30,081 --> 00:32:33,117 I'M GOING TO SAVE THIS EYE FOR THE CAMERA, AND THIS EYE FOR 656 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:33,918 YOU. 657 00:32:33,985 --> 00:32:37,288 AND I THINK YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME." 658 00:32:37,355 --> 00:32:39,123 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 659 00:32:39,190 --> 00:32:40,925 YOU'RE NOT A CHAMELEON. 660 00:32:40,992 --> 00:32:43,061 >> I SAID,"MICHAEL, I'M NOT DOING THAT. 661 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:48,166 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALK ABOUT." 662 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:51,602 HE SAID, "I HAVE TWO ACADEMY AWARPDS AND YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO 663 00:32:51,669 --> 00:32:52,537 WHAT I'M SAYING. 664 00:32:52,603 --> 00:32:54,539 THIS EYE FOR THE CAMERA, THIS EYE FOR YOU." 665 00:32:54,605 --> 00:32:57,875 HE TAUGHT ME, THE CAMERA IS HERE-- IF WE WERE IN A MOVIE NOW 666 00:32:57,942 --> 00:33:01,779 AND THE CAMERA IS HERE, AND YOU WERE MICHAEL CAINE, YOU WOULD 667 00:33:01,846 --> 00:33:04,015 SAVE THAT EYE FOR THE CAMERA AND THIS EYE FOR ME. 668 00:33:04,082 --> 00:33:08,519 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT. 669 00:33:08,586 --> 00:33:10,021 DO IT TO ME. 670 00:33:10,088 --> 00:33:11,155 OKAY, READY? 671 00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,491 CAMERA IS HERE, ONE EYE FOR THE CAMERA, ONE EYE FOR ME. 672 00:33:13,558 --> 00:33:13,958 >> YEAH. 673 00:33:14,025 --> 00:33:15,860 I WANT A DIVORCE. 674 00:33:15,927 --> 00:33:16,527 ( LAUGHTER ). 675 00:33:16,594 --> 00:33:16,928 >> Stephen: YOU CAN HAVE ONE. 676 00:33:16,994 --> 00:33:20,164 >> OKAY. 677 00:33:20,231 --> 00:33:23,634 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SO I CAN'T STOP DOING IT. 678 00:33:23,701 --> 00:33:27,238 BUT WHEN WE DID IT, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT IT. 679 00:33:27,305 --> 00:33:29,874 BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IT REALLY DOES WORK. 680 00:33:29,941 --> 00:33:32,610 HE'S A VERY TECHNICAL ACTOR. 681 00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:35,680 AND HE WOULD SAY, "I DON'T SEE THE BLOODY CAMERA ANYWHERE." 682 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,616 I WOULD SAY, "MICHAEL, YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE IT. 683 00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:41,986 LOOK AHEAD AND SAY THE LINES." 684 00:33:42,053 --> 00:33:44,489 HE WOULD SAY, "WHERE'S THE CAMERA." 685 00:33:44,555 --> 00:33:45,656 HE LOVES TO PLAY THE LENS. 686 00:33:45,723 --> 00:33:49,127 >> Stephen: ONE THING I FOUND OUT MICHAEL CAINE SAID AFTER 687 00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:52,463 THIS MOVIE THAT THAT WILL BE HIS LAST MOVIE, THE MOVIE HE DID 688 00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:53,364 WITH YOU. 689 00:33:53,431 --> 00:33:56,367 AUBREY PLAZA, DID YOU BREAK MICHAEL CAINE? 690 00:33:56,434 --> 00:33:58,403 ( LAUGHTER ) WAS THERE ANY OF THIS ACTION ON 691 00:33:58,469 --> 00:34:00,805 SET IS WHAT I'M ASKING? 692 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,039 >> LOOK, I DON'T KNOW. 693 00:34:02,106 --> 00:34:03,508 I BLACKED OUT. 694 00:34:03,574 --> 00:34:05,943 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT ONCE HE-- ONCE HE 695 00:34:06,010 --> 00:34:09,781 EXPERIENCED THE BEST... YOU GOT TO WRAP IT UP. 696 00:34:09,847 --> 00:34:11,983 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 697 00:34:12,049 --> 00:34:16,120 >> Stephen: WILL YOU DO OTHER MOVIES OR IS MICHAEL CAINE YOUR 698 00:34:16,187 --> 00:34:16,487 LAST, TOO. 699 00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:17,789 >> I'M DONE. 700 00:34:17,855 --> 00:34:18,556 I'M RETIRED. 701 00:34:18,623 --> 00:34:20,792 ME AND MICHAEL GO OUT TOGETHER. 702 00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:23,995 I DO WHAT HE DOES NOW. 703 00:34:24,061 --> 00:34:25,696 >> Stephen: YOU'LL FIGHT CRIME. 704 00:34:25,763 --> 00:34:27,331 >> WE'LL FIGHT EVERYBODY. 705 00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:28,499 WE'LL TAKE EVERYBODY DOWN. 706 00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:31,102 >> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, WHICH WAS ON ZOOM. 707 00:34:31,169 --> 00:34:32,170 >> YEAH. 708 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:33,504 >> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU FOR YEARS IN PERSON. 709 00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:37,275 >> A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE PANDEMIC, HUH? 710 00:34:37,341 --> 00:34:37,875 >> Stephen: YES. 711 00:34:37,942 --> 00:34:39,377 >> I DRESS LIKE THIS NOW. 712 00:34:39,444 --> 00:34:45,550 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 713 00:34:45,616 --> 00:34:48,653 >> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU TALKED ABOUT DOING-- 714 00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:53,958 WE DID A SEGMENT CALLED "TEA AT THE PLAZA," WHERE AUBREY PLAZA 715 00:34:54,025 --> 00:34:55,359 SPILLS THE TEA ON HER COSTARS. 716 00:34:55,426 --> 00:35:00,097 I WAS WONDERING WHETHER YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR US HERE AGAIN 717 00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:00,364 TONIGHT. 718 00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:00,698 >> OH! 719 00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:01,899 ALL RIGHT! 720 00:35:01,966 --> 00:35:04,535 >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA BEFORE YOU SPILL THE 721 00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:05,136 TEA? 722 00:35:05,203 --> 00:35:06,270 >> WHAT KIND OF TEA IS IT? 723 00:35:06,337 --> 00:35:08,606 >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA. 724 00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:10,508 >> IT'S DANDELION TEA. 725 00:35:10,575 --> 00:35:12,043 >> Stephen: IT IS? 726 00:35:12,109 --> 00:35:12,844 HOW DO YOU KNOW. 727 00:35:12,910 --> 00:35:14,378 >> I REQUESTED IT. 728 00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:18,516 THE WITCH ONLY DRINKS DANDY LION TEA. 729 00:35:18,583 --> 00:35:20,551 >> Stephen: DO YOU TAKE A SPOT OF CREAM. 730 00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:21,085 >> NO. 731 00:35:21,152 --> 00:35:24,956 >> Stephen: NO, OKAY. 732 00:35:25,022 --> 00:35:25,256 MMM. 733 00:35:25,323 --> 00:35:26,090 >> MMM. 734 00:35:26,157 --> 00:35:28,793 YOU SMELL DANDELIONS. 735 00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:29,861 >> Stephen: THAT IS LIKE DRINKING GRASS. 736 00:35:29,927 --> 00:35:31,062 THANK YOU. 737 00:35:31,128 --> 00:35:34,198 THAT IS JUST SOMEBODY MOWED A LAWN AND PUT IT IN A POT. 738 00:35:34,265 --> 00:35:35,633 THERE YOU GO. 739 00:35:35,700 --> 00:35:36,634 EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT CHOICE. 740 00:35:36,701 --> 00:35:40,238 EXCELLENT CHOICE. 741 00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:41,038 ( APPLAUSE ) MMM. 742 00:35:41,105 --> 00:35:42,573 DO YOU WANT-- DO YOU WANT A SAUCER? 743 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:43,140 DO YOU WANT A SAUCER THERE? 744 00:35:43,207 --> 00:35:44,175 >> YES, DARLING. 745 00:35:44,242 --> 00:35:46,110 >> Stephen: I WILL GIVE YOU THE NAME OF A COSTAR. 746 00:35:46,177 --> 00:35:47,778 >> OH, GOD. 747 00:35:47,845 --> 00:35:48,579 >> Stephen: YOU SPILL THE TEA. 748 00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:49,180 >> ALL RIGHT. 749 00:35:49,247 --> 00:35:50,548 >> Stephen: NO PRESSURE. 750 00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:52,950 SPILL THE TEA ON MICHAEL CAINE. 751 00:35:53,017 --> 00:35:59,690 >> MICHAEL CAINE, HE IS A NAUGHTY BOY. 752 00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:05,096 HE LIKES TO STICK HIS TOES IN ELECTRICAL OUTFITS-- OUTLETS. 753 00:36:05,162 --> 00:36:10,434 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SPILL THE TEA ON 754 00:36:10,501 --> 00:36:11,869 KRISTEN STEWART. 755 00:36:11,936 --> 00:36:16,440 >> KRISTEN STEWART SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON AND GASOLINE, AND I 756 00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:20,611 HEARD THAT SHE SECRETLY WANT MEAS TO OFFICIATE HER WEDDING, 757 00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:22,213 BUT SHE'S TOO AFRAID TO ASK. 758 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:22,947 ( LAUGHTER ). 759 00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:26,851 >> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. 760 00:36:26,918 --> 00:36:28,085 MOLLY SHANNON? 761 00:36:28,152 --> 00:36:35,960 >> OKAY, MOLLY SHANNON IS ONE OF THE MOST LEGENDARY LIVING CON 762 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,429 ARTISTS ALIVE TODAY. 763 00:36:38,496 --> 00:36:41,198 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE. 764 00:36:41,265 --> 00:36:43,634 I JUST-- I'M SERIOUS. 765 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:46,437 I JUST READ -- >> Stephen: SO FAR, I CAN 766 00:36:46,504 --> 00:36:47,672 TELL. 767 00:36:47,738 --> 00:36:49,273 >> MOLLY SHANNON CONNED HER WAY INTO HOLLYWOOD, AND SHE KNOWS 768 00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:50,408 WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 769 00:36:50,474 --> 00:36:54,178 BECAUSE I JUST READ HER AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND IT IS JUICY, 770 00:36:54,245 --> 00:36:54,912 AND IT IS GOOD. 771 00:36:54,979 --> 00:36:56,380 AND IT'S COMING OUT IN APRIL. 772 00:36:56,447 --> 00:36:57,982 I'M GOING TO PROMOTE HER BOOK. 773 00:36:58,049 --> 00:36:59,483 I DON'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ). 774 00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:01,586 HER BOOK-- HER BOOK IS SO GOOD -- 775 00:37:01,652 --> 00:37:05,890 >> Stephen: DOES SHE REALLY HAVE A MEMOIR COME OUT IN APRIL? 776 00:37:05,957 --> 00:37:08,926 >> YES, AND IT'S CALLED "HELLO MOLLY." 777 00:37:08,993 --> 00:37:09,860 >> Stephen: REALLY? 778 00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:11,829 >> I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S SO ( BLEEP ) GOOD. 779 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:12,630 I CRIED. 780 00:37:12,697 --> 00:37:13,831 I LAUGHED. 781 00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:14,932 IT'S BRILLIANT. 782 00:37:14,999 --> 00:37:15,600 EVERYBODY SHOULD GET IT. 783 00:37:15,666 --> 00:37:17,768 AFTER THEY GET THE OTHER ONE. 784 00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:19,270 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 785 00:37:19,337 --> 00:37:20,538 >> Stephen: YOUR BOOK. 786 00:37:20,605 --> 00:37:21,305 >> YEAH. 787 00:37:21,372 --> 00:37:23,474 >> Stephen: "THE CHRISTMAS WITCH." 788 00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:24,675 THE OTHER ONE. 789 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:25,543 ( APPLAUSE ). 790 00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:27,278 >> Stephen: ALL OF THAT WAS SCANDALOUS. 791 00:37:27,345 --> 00:37:28,346 >> I KNOW. 792 00:37:28,412 --> 00:37:30,548 >> Stephen: THAT'S A SCANDALOUS REVELATION, MOLLY-- I 793 00:37:30,615 --> 00:37:31,148 MEAN, NOT MOLLY. 794 00:37:31,215 --> 00:37:32,216 >> NO, I AM MOLLY. 795 00:37:32,283 --> 00:37:34,819 >> Stephen: YOU GOT ME THINKING ABOUT MOLLY SHANNON. 796 00:37:34,885 --> 00:37:37,121 I'M ONLY THINKING ABOUT MOLLY SHANNON NOW. 797 00:37:37,188 --> 00:37:38,990 >> I WISH I WAS MOLLY. 798 00:37:39,056 --> 00:37:41,158 >> Stephen: SPILL THE TEA ON AUBREY PLAZA. 799 00:37:41,225 --> 00:37:43,928 WHAT DO WE NOT KNOW ABOUT AUBREY PLAZA? 800 00:37:43,995 --> 00:37:46,130 >> AUBREY PLAZA IS BORING. 801 00:37:46,197 --> 00:37:48,032 SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING INTERESTING. 802 00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:48,532 SHE-- WHAT? 803 00:37:48,599 --> 00:37:49,200 >> Stephen: NOTHING. 804 00:37:49,266 --> 00:37:50,568 >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? 805 00:37:50,635 --> 00:37:51,535 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 806 00:37:51,602 --> 00:37:54,071 >> SHE CAN PLAY THE SAXOPHONE, OKAY. 807 00:37:54,138 --> 00:37:56,941 >> Stephen: YOU CAN PLAY-- SHE CAN PLAY THE SAXOPHONE? 808 00:37:57,008 --> 00:37:58,809 ( APPLAUSE ) CAN YOU REALLY PLAY THE 809 00:37:58,876 --> 00:37:59,110 SAXOPHONE? 810 00:37:59,176 --> 00:38:00,044 >> YEAH. 811 00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:03,681 YEAH, ME, BILL CLINTON... 812 00:38:03,748 --> 00:38:04,815 ( LAUGHTER ). 813 00:38:04,882 --> 00:38:07,585 >> Stephen: WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE BETTER, YOU OR BILL 814 00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:08,085 CLINTON? 815 00:38:08,152 --> 00:38:08,853 >> DEFINITELY BILL. 816 00:38:08,919 --> 00:38:10,187 >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU PLAY? 817 00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:11,756 >> JUST SINCE WAS A LITTLE KID. 818 00:38:11,822 --> 00:38:13,124 >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU PLAY? 819 00:38:13,190 --> 00:38:16,227 >> LONG, LIKE -- >> Stephen: CAN YOU BE ANY 820 00:38:16,293 --> 00:38:17,128 MORE SPECIFIC? 821 00:38:17,194 --> 00:38:18,362 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT ONE INDIVIDUAL SONG. 822 00:38:18,429 --> 00:38:20,364 HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STATED PLAYING? 823 00:38:20,431 --> 00:38:24,268 >> OH, OH, I DON'T KNOW, PROBABLY, LIKE, FIFTH GRADE OR 824 00:38:24,335 --> 00:38:25,069 SOMETHING. 825 00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:26,370 I WAS JUST IN THE BAND OR WHATEVER. 826 00:38:26,437 --> 00:38:27,371 >> Stephen: AND HAVE YOU KEPT IT UP? 827 00:38:27,438 --> 00:38:28,606 >> YEAH, I TRY. 828 00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:33,411 BUT IT'S A HARD INSTRUMENT TO WHIP OUT AND PRACTICE BECAUSE IT 829 00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:35,012 REALLY ANNOYS OTHER PEOPLE. 830 00:38:35,079 --> 00:38:37,948 >> Stephen: UNLESS YOU PRACTICE, AND THEN IT'S QUITE 831 00:38:38,015 --> 00:38:38,749 DELIGHTFUL. 832 00:38:38,816 --> 00:38:39,817 >> I PRACTICE IN THE WOODS SOMETIMES. 833 00:38:39,884 --> 00:38:44,088 THAT'S WHERE I GET MY REAL WORK DONE. 834 00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:49,860 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 835 00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:50,928 >> Stephen: AUBREY. 836 00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:51,328 >> STEPHEN. 837 00:38:51,395 --> 00:38:51,996 THANK YOU. 838 00:38:52,063 --> 00:38:56,100 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 839 00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,435 "THE LEGEND OF THE CHRISTMAS WITCH" IS AVAILABLE NOVEMBER 16. 840 00:38:57,501 --> 00:38:58,436 AUBREY PLAZA, EVERYBODY! 841 00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:04,475 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 842 00:39:10,915 --> 00:39:14,285 ACCORDING TO "MOTHER JONES" IN BETWEEN NEGOTIATING SESSIONS 843 00:39:14,351 --> 00:39:21,025 THAT HAVE RAISED HIS PROFILE AND ACROSS THE NATION, MANCHIN HAS 844 00:39:21,092 --> 00:39:24,028 DISCUSSED WHETHER THE BEST TIME TO PRESENT A PROPOSAL TO 845 00:39:24,095 --> 00:39:28,632 PUBLISHERS WOULD BE DURING THE ONGOING DRAMA OVER THE "BUILD 846 00:39:28,699 --> 00:39:32,470 BACK BETTER" LEGISLATION OR AFTER I FINAL DEAL IS REACHED. 847 00:39:32,536 --> 00:39:35,606 CONGRESSMAN, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DIAL DOWN THE TENSION 848 00:39:35,673 --> 00:39:40,411 BETWEEN YOU TWO BY WRITING A BLURB FOR JOE MANCHIN'S BOOK? 849 00:39:40,478 --> 00:39:42,012 >> THE BLURB. 850 00:39:42,079 --> 00:39:46,317 I JUST WANT TO KNOW IS NOW THE TIME FOR THE BOOK? 851 00:39:46,383 --> 00:39:48,886 >> THAT BLURB WILL LOOK GREAT ON THE COVER. 852 00:39:59,063 --> 00:40:00,231 HEY THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW" 853 00:40:00,297 --> 00:40:03,534 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KENNETH BRANAGH AND 854 00:40:03,601 --> 00:40:04,301 ELLIE KEMPER. 855 00:40:04,368 --> 00:40:05,636 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 856 00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:06,670 GOOD NIGHT!