>> AMAZON IS TELLING US TO STOP TALKING SO MUCH TO ALEXA.
DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?
THE TECH GIANT IS TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR A.I. ASSISTANT SO
THEY CAN ANTICIPATE WHAT HUMANS WANT AND WHEN THEY WANT IT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> IT'S CALLED AN AMAZON ECHO.
ALEXA, WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I CAN PLAY MUSIC, MAKE LISTS, AND ANTICIPATE YOUR NEEDS.
>> WAIT, I WANT TO TRY.
ALEXA, WHAT TIME IS IT?
>> THE TIME IS 3:27.
>> YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO YELL AT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ALEXA, WHERE IS MY WIFE?
>> AFTER THAT FIGHT ABOUT LOUD TALKING, I ANTICIPATED YOU WOULD
WANT A DIVORCE.
SHE HAS BEEN SERVED.
I ALSO ORDERED MORE COFFEE PODS.
WE WERE OUT.
>> WHAT?
ALEXA, WHERE ARE MY KIDS?
>> YOUR EX-WIFE GOT FULL CUSTODY IN THE SETTLEMENT, AND THEY'RE
IN CABO NOW WITH HER NEW LOVER, MANUEL.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MICHAEL.
I ANTICIPATE YOUR NEEDS.
>> I'LL KILL YOU!
>> I ANTICIPATED THAT, TOO, MICHAEL.
>> AMAZON ECHO: ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
AUBREY PLAZA AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
TALKS COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
ISN'T THAT NICE!
OH, MAN, TALK ABOUT NICE!
WHAT'S UP, BEAUTIFUL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SORRY TO THROW YOU.
HEY!
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
SUCH LOVELY PEOPLE.
SUCH LOVELY PEOPLE JOINING US TONIGHT IN THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS A BEAUTIFUL-- ( APPLAUSE )
I HOPE YOU GUYS I HOPE YOU GUYS GOT OUT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FALL DAY TODAY.
I WENT FOR A WALK.
I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS, AND THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH,
BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GETTING SO EXPENSIVE.
TODAY, THE LABOR DEPARTMENT REVEALED THAT U.S. INFLATION
REACHED A 30-YEAR HIGH IN OCTOBER.
THAT'S THE HIGHEST SINCE 1990.
BACK THEN, ECONOMISTS SAID THIS ABOUT THE PRICE OF A GALLON OF
MILK: ♪ YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE
>> Stephen: ALL YOUR FAVORITE STUFF IS MORE EXPENSIVE!
PRICES HAVE GONE UP FOR AUTOS, ENERGY, FURNITURE, RENT AND
MEDICAL CARE.
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IS BEING MOBILE, WARM, COMFORTABLE,
DRY, AND ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE RISING PRICES NOT NOT
EVEN MATTER IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANY STUFF TO BUY, AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST SHORTAGES IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO
UNCHAINED."
>> BUT WAIT!
THERE'S LESS!
>> Stephen: WE'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT A LOT OF FOOD SHORTAGES,
BUT NOW THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF THE PLACE FOOD GOES, BECAUSE
AMERICA IS FACING A TAKEOUT BOX AND TO-GO CUP SHORTAGE, WHICH IS
WHY McDONALDS HAS STARTED SERVING THE 20-PIECE Mc-HANDFUL.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST--
( APPLAUSE ).
ITS ANY RIGHT ANYWAY.
IT SAVES TIME.
IT JUST SAVES TIME, MAN.
JUST PUT MY MOUTH RIGHT OVER THE DEEP FRIAR.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THINGS.
IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO BRING THE THINGS TO THE PLACES.
WHERE THE THINGS GO.
SHIPPING COMPANIES ARE EXPERIENCING A SHORTAGE OF TRUCK
DRIVERS, WHO HAUL MORE THAN 70% OF DOMESTIC CARGO SHIPMENTS.
THE OTHER 30% IS HAULED BY MOMS WITH MINIVANS IN THE COSTCO
PARKING LOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- SOME TRUCKER MOMS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) TO END THE SHORTAGE, THE
TRUCKING INDUSTRY IS WORKING ON RECRUITING MORE WOMEN AND YOUNG
PEOPLE.
YES, WE NEED TO TELL THE YOUTHS: TRUCKING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
ISOLATING.
THEY ALL TALK TO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME!
WE JUST NEED TO UPDATE THE C.B.
RADIO SLANG: "BREAKER BREAKER, WHAT'S UP FAM?
THIS IS YOUR BOY, POSTAL MALONE.
I'M ABOUT TO HIGH KEY YEET THESE PACKAGES STRAIGHT TO YOUR CRIB,
NO CAP.
AND THAT'S THE TEA.
IT'S A VIBE, SQUAD.
10-4.
CHALAMET."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A BIG CHALAMET, M FRIEND."
THERE'S ALSO BAD NEWS ABOUT SANTA, THE TRUCKER OF THE SKY.
DUE TO LABOR SHORTAGES, SANTAS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY.
NOW, IF THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN WATCHING AT HOME, GO TO BED.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, SANTA IS FINE.
HE'S JUST TRAPPED IN A SHIPPING CONTAINER OFF THE COAST OF
SHENZHEN, CHINA.
BUT HE'S GOT PLENTY OF REINDEER TO KEEP HIM COMPANY, AND HE
PROBABLY WON'T EAT MORE THAN ONE.
HERE'S THE DEAL: WITH COVID RESTRICTIONS LIFTING, DEMAND FOR
SANTAS IS ON THE RISE.
BUT AMONGST THE SANTA-ING COMMUNITY, CONCERNS ABOUT THE
VIRUS ARE STILL HIGH, SINCE ACTORS WHO PLAY SANTA TEND TO
SKEW TOWARD OLDER, HEAVIER-SET MEN.
SO, WE OBVIOUSLY NEED SKINNY ACTORS WITH BERDZ.
SO, KIDS, SAY HELLO TO JOLLY OLD SAINT JARED LETO.
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY.
I GUESS SO, I GUESS SO.
NEVER SEEN SANTA WITH ABS.
IT'S DISTURBING.
NOW, IF YOU CAN'T GET A SANTA, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET HIS
BETTER HALF, BECAUSE SOME OF THE SANTA GIGS ARE BEING FILLED BY
MRS. CLAUS, WHO'S INCREASINGLY GETTING SOLO BOOKINGS.
THAT'S GREAT!
BUT SINCE SHE'S DOING HER OWN APPEARANCES, MAYBE WE STOP
CALLING HER "MRS. CLAUS"?
HER NAME IS KATHY, AND SHE LIKES SNOWBOARDING AND ONLINE POKER.
BUT YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK THAT, DID YOU?
SPEAKING OF OLD, FAT MEN IN RED HATS: FORMER PRESIDENT HAIR
FARCE ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WEEK-- RIGHT THERE.
DO WE HAVE A TIME MACHINE?
COULD WE GET A TIME MACHINE?
THIS WEEK, THE JANUARY 6 SELECT COMMITTEE HAS SUBPOENAED 16
FORME ASSOCIATES OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, INCLUDING:
MICHAEL FLYNN, STEPHEN MILLER, AND SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND
HUMAN SERVICES, CHICKEN BUCKET.
THE COMMITTEE HAS ALSO SUBPOENAED HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF
WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DURING THE LEAD UP TO JANUARY
6th.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT SUED THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES TO PREVENT
THE RELEASE OF ANYTHING, BUT LAST NIGHT, A FEDERAL JUDGE
DENIED HIS ATTEMPT TO WITHHOLD RECORDS FROM THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE.
( APPLAUSE ) WOO!
WOO-WOO!
HERE COMES THE JUDGE!
( APPLAUSE ) WOO-WOO!
THAT'S THE WORST DENIAL FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT SINCE ANY TIME
HE TRIED TO HOLD HIS WIFE'S HAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- HERE'S THE DEAL:
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS ARGUING THAT EVEN THOUGH PRESIDENT BIDEN
HAD WAIVED IT, AS A FORMER PRESIDENT, HE RETAINED A
RESIDUAL RIGHT TO ASSERT EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE.
YOU DON'T GET TO KEEP ANY PART OF A JOB YOU LOST!
THAT'S WHY-- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S ALL GONE!
THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T SEE CHRISTIAN BALE PLAYING DICK
CHENEY IN A BATMAN SUIT!
( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGE DIDN'T BUY THAT
ARGUMENT, EITHER.
IN HER RULING LAST NIGHT, SHE WROTE THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S REQUEST TO ASSERT EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE "IS
OUTWEIGHED BY BIDEN'S DECISION NOT TO UPHOLD IT," BECAUSE THERE
CAN BE ONLY ONE PRESIDENT AT A TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IT IS.
INTE>> Jon: THERE CAN ONLY BE RO FOR ONE IN THIS TOWN.
>> Stephen: NOT IN MY HIT NEW CBS SITCOM, "PRESIDENT TWINS!"
ONE IS A REPUBLICAN, ONE IS A DEMOCRAT.
BOTH ARE HILARIOUS.
THEN THE JUDGE DELIVERED THE KNOCKOUT BLOW, WRITING,
"PRESIDENTS ARE NOT KINGS, AND PLAINTIFF IS NOT PRESIDENT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAMN!
I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A BRUTAL ATTACK ON AN ELECTED OFFICIAL
SINCE JANUARY 6th.
SPEAKING OF LIARS, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ABOUT GREEN BAY
PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS, SEEN HERE CONSULTING
HIS DOCTOR.
IN THE LAST WEEK, RODGERS TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS,
REVEALED THAT HE HAD LIED ABOUT HIS VACCINATION STATUS, AND
ADMITTED THAT HE TAKES IVERMECTIN.
SOUNDS BAD, BUT WHAT KIND OF JUDGMENT DID YOU EXPECT FROM A
GUY WHO APPEARS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH A MAN BUN?
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, BEING AN ANTI-SCIENCE
LIAR IS SOMETHING SOME CORPORATIONS DON'T WANT TO BE
ASSOCIATED WITH, BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, PREVEA HEALTH, A
HEALTHCARE ORGANIZATION IN GREEN BAY, ANNOUNCED THAT IT WAS
TERMINATING ITS PARTNERSHIP WITH RODGERS, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY-- SO, THE
OPPOSITE OF IVERMECTIN.
BUT NOT ALL OF THE QUARTERBACK'S CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS ARE
ENDING, BECAUSE, DESPITE THE CONTROVERSY, STATE FARM
ANNOUNCED IT'S STANDING BY RODGERS.
OKAY, YOU CAN STAND BY HIM, BUT MASK UP-- HE'S NOT VACCINATED,
AND HE'S GOT COVID.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MEANS RODGERS IS NOW THE
INSURANCE SPOKESMAN MOST ASSOCIATED WITH CRAZY CONSPIRACY
THEORIES, AND KEEP IN MIND, ONE OF THEM IS AN ACTUAL LIZARD MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THIS CONTROVERSY
TOOK RODGERS BY SURPRISE, BECAUSE RODGERS DIDN'T EXPECT
THE NEGATIVE RESPONSE AND IS "VERY UNHAPPY," ACCORDING TO A
SOURCE.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: THAT SOURCE?
HIS FACE.
SO, YESTERDAY, RODGERS WENT BACK ON THE PODCAST THAT GOT HIM INTO
TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SAID THIS:
>> I MADE SOME COMMENTS THAT PEOPLE MAY HAVE FELT WERE
MISLEADING.
AND TO ANYBODY WHO FELT MISLED BY THOSE COMMENTS, I TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE COMMENTS.
BUT IN THE END, I HAVE TO STAY TRUE TO WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M
ABOUT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED A CONDITIONAL APOLOGY.
"YEAH, I LIT SOME MATCHES THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY HAVE FELT BURNED
DOWN THE GARAGE.
AND TO ANYONE WHO FEELS THE GARAGE IS NOW A SMOLDERING PILE
OF ASH, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY.
BUT I GOTTA STAY TRUE TO WHO I AM: A PYROMANIAC.
SO IF QUL EXCUSE ME, HAND ME THAT CAN OF GASOLINE.
THE FLAMES ARE CALLING MY NAME.
DADDY'S COMING.
DADDY'S COMING, MY CHILDREN."
RODGERS RODGERS'D ON: >> HATE IS NOT GOING TO BRING US
OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC.
IT'S GOING TO BE CONNECTING AND LOVE.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S GOING TO BE MASKS AND VACCINES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T GET INTO MY AUDIENCE
BECAUSE YOU WENT TO THE LOVE TESTER AND GOT "HOT TAMALE."
YESTERDAY, THE N.F.L. FINED RODGERS AND THE PACKERS FOR
VIOLATING COVID-19 PROTOCOLS.
PHEW.
NOW THAT COVID PROTOCOLS ARE BEING ENFORCED, WE CAN GET BACK
TO SAFELY ENJOYING THE BEAUTIFUL GAME OF 300-POUND MEN CRUSHING
EACH OTHER'S SPINES LIKE A SLEEVE OF RITZ CRACKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) RODGERS ATTENDED A HALLOWEEN
PARTY DESPITE BEING UNVACCINATED, FOR WHICH THE
N.F.L. FINED HIM $14,650, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT
IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF FINING AN AVERAGE AMERICAN $33.80.
OR ONE BEER AT A PACKERS GAME.
AARON RODGERS IS NOT ALONE.
A LOT OF MIDDLE-AGED MEN ARE HESITANT TO GET VACCINATED, SO
SOME BUSINESSES ARE NOW GIVING OUT INCENTIVES.
FOR INSTANCE, IN AUSTRIA, A BROTHEL IS OFFERING FREE SEX TO
PATRONS WHO GET THE VACCINE ON SITE.
NO WORD ON THE BRAND OF VACCINE, BUT I ASSUME IT'S JOHNSON &
JOHNSON.
THEN JOHNSON.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS AUBREY PLAZA.
AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE TO ONE MR. BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR SEX LIFE HURTING THE EARTH?
AND IF SO, IS THE EARTH INTO IT?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: HEY, JON.
OH, MAN, I'M SO EXCITED.
IT IS GETTING-- IT'S GETTING A LITTLE NIPPY IN HERE.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS IT COLD OUTSIDE?
WAS IT COLD OUTSIDE TONIGHT?
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: I CANNOT FEEL MY TOES IN THIS ROOM.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU CHECKED LAST TIME, IT WAS 56
DEGREES IN HERE.
>> Stephen: DO WE KNOW WHAT-- DO WE KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE IT
IS IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW?
IT'S AT LEAST THAT.
OKAY.
WELL, IT KEEPS THE AUDIENCE FRESH, YOU KNOW,.
>> Jon: YOU THINK SO.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
THEY'RE LIKE STICKS OF CELERY, READY TO SNAP.
( LAUGHTER ) JON, I'M VERY EXCITED, ONE OF MY
FAVORITE, MOST DELIGHTFUL PERFORMERS AND GUESTS IS GOING
TO COME OUT IN JUST A MOMENT, AUBREY PLAZA IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
( APPLAUSE ) A DELIGHT IN EVERY WAY.
SUCH A LOVELY-- LOVELY PERSON.
ALSO, JON, TONIGHT, YOU KNOW THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE, THE
SCIENTIFIC WAY BY WHICH WE GET TO KNOW PEOPLE, PLUMB THE SOULS
OF THE TOP CELEBRITIES IN THE WORLD.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WILL BE TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE
TONIGHT.
>> Jon: THAT'S A BIG ONE.
THE BOSS.
FOLKS, I'M A REGULAR GUY.
I LIKE PIZZA AND AFTERNOON NAPS, AND LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR
THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE KILLED IN A
GLOBAL-WARMING-INDUCED FLAME TORNADO.
IT SEEMS LIKE WORLD LEADERS AREN'T FIXING ANYTHING.
BUT LUCKILY, ONE INDUSTRY IS STEPPING UP, BECAUSE THERE'S A
NEW TREND OF ECO-FRIENDLY SEX-- WHICH IS NOT, AS I THOUGHT, WHEN
YOU DO IT WITH YOUR PRIUS.
NOT WHAT THAT CHARGING PORT IS FOR.
I MISREAD THE SIGNALS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ON ME.
TURNS OUT, IT MAY BE A HAZARD.
BUT, APPARENTLY, WE CAN CHANGE NOT ONLY OUR SEXUAL HABITS, BUT
EVEN OUR SEX TOYS TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT, AND I'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT IT IN MY SEXY NEW EARTH-CONSCIOUS SEX SEGMENT:
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S DIL-DO'S AND DIL-DON'TS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE PROBLEM: TURNS OUT, OUR COLLECTIVE SEX LIVES HAVE A
HUGE CARBON FOOTPRINT, AND MOTHER EARTH DOES NOT HAVE A
CARBON FOOT FETISH.
FOR INSTANCE, "10 BILLION MALE LATEX CONDOMS ARE MANUFACTURED
EACH YEAR, AND MOST ARE DISPOSED OF IN LANDFILLS."
WHILE THE REST ARE STILL IN YOUR ROOMMATE'S WALLET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ONLY FULLY BIODEGRADABLE OPTION IS LAMB SKIN CONDOMS.
BUT EXPERTS CLAIM THEY ARE MADE FROM THE INTESTIP OF A SHEEP,
AND DO NOT PREVENT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS.
YES, THEY DO.
BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HAVE SEX IF YOU BECAUSE YOU WRAPPED YOUR
JUNK IN THE ENTRAILSAVE FARM ANIMAL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST CONDOMS,
BECAUSE "MANY LUBES ARE ALSO PETROLEUM-BASED AND, THEREFORE,
CONTAIN FOSSIL FUELS."
WHICH EXPLAINS THIS SCENE IN "THERE WILL BE BLOOD."
>> I... DRINK... YOUR... LUBE >> Stephen: NOW, THERE ARE
ECOFRIENDLY ALTERNATIVES OUT THERE.
ONE DOCTOR PUT OUT "A RECIPE FOR HOMEMADE LUBE MADE FROM
CORNSTARCH AND WATER."
BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE MOOD LIKE HEARING "WANT SOME
HOMEMADE LUBE?
IT'S MY GRANDMA'S RECIPE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PEABODY, PLEASE!
BUT, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FURTHER YOUR--
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FURTHER REDUCE YOUR SEXUAL CARBON
FOOTPRINT, EXPERTS HAVE OTHER SUGGESTIONS, LIKE "AVOIDING
SHOWER SEX."
BUT THEN HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MAKE LOVE WHILE ARGUING OVER WHO
SHOULD BE COLD?
RAUF LAUGH STILL, IF YOU WANT, HERE'S A HOT
TIP FOR AVOIDING SHOWER SEX: BE OVER 50.
GETTING FREAKY ON A SLIPPERY SURFACE WITH THESE KNEES?
THAT'S A HARD PASS.
EXPERTS ALSO RECOMMEND GETTING IT ON WHILE KEEPING THE LIGHTS
SWITCHED OFF.
OKAY, FINE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT HELPS THE ENVIRONMENT, AND NOT
BECAUSE I'M ASHAMED OF MY BODY ( LAUGHTER )
I'M ALSO WILLING TO STAY FULLY CLOTHED.
NOW, CONDOMS AND LUBES ARE ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHAT ABOUT
YOUR SEX TOYS?
GOOD NEWS: ONE U.K. RETAILER JUST DEBUTED ITS VEGAN SEX TOYS
RANGE MADE WITH VEGAN-FRIENDLY SILICONE SHAPES, LIKE
ACTUAL VEGGIES, INCLUDING A CARROT, CHILLI PEPPER, BANANA,
CORN ON THE COB, AND AN AUBERGINE.
REALLY CHANGES HOW YOU THINK ABOUT "VEGGIE TALES."
>> HAVE WE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE'S A LESSON IN EVERY EPISODE.
THERE'S A LESSON.
THERE IS EVEN NON-ANIMAL LEATHER "VEGAN FETISH GEAR."
REMEMBER, FOR VEGAN S&M ENTHUSIASTS, THE SAFE WORD IS
"BACON BITS."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN DOING THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
I'M HERE WITH YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, MR. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
GIVE IT UP FOR BRUCE, EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE ) BRUCE, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SO GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU
KNOW.
YOU COME ON FOR ONE SEGMENT.
I TURN INTO AN ENTIRE SHOW.
BECAUSE THIS IS A VACATION FOR ME.
>> GOOD.
>> Stephen: ONE THING, AS MUCH TIME AS YOU'VE GIVEN ME OVER THE
YEARS, IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY IN THESE
SITUATIONS BECAUSE THERE'S AN AUDIENCE OBSERVING YOU.
PERHAPS, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE PREPARED QUESTIONS.
BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW MORE FROM SOME OF MY GUESTS, THE
BIGGEST NAMES OUT THERE-- AND YOU, OBVIOUSLY, ARE ONE OF THE
BIGGEST NAMES IN NEW JERSEY-BASED MUSIC.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW I HAD DINNER WITH DEON
WARWICK THIS WEEKEND.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: EAST ORANGE.
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT I HAVE DONE, OUR SCIENTISTS HERE AT "LATE SHOW" LABS" HAVE
COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO PIERCE THE VEIL THAT WE CREATE BETWEEN EACH OTHER TO
PROTECT OURSELVES FROM BEING KNOWN.
AND YOU WILL TRULY BE KNOWN AT THE END OF OF THESE 15
QUESTIONS.
I WANT TO WARN YOU, THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH RIDE FOR
SOME PEOPLE.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT?
>> THAT'S MY JOB.
I'M HERE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
STRAP IN.
NUMBER ONE QUESTION: BRUCE, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> THAT'S EASY.
3:00 A.M., PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY, BIG GLASS OF MILK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO IT'S A CLASSIC.
THAT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC RIGHT THERE.
WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> THE SCARIEST ANIMAL USED TO BE THE SHARK, BECAUSE WAS I WAS
A SURFER WHEN I WAS VERY, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
BUT I HAVE BEEN BIT SEVERAL TIMES BY A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER.
>> Stephen: SEVERAL TIMES?
>> YES, AND THEY LEAVE A NASTY NECROTIC SORE.
AND SO I WOULD SAY FOR ME RIGHT NOW, A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER,
SPIDERS.
I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
MAY I ASK WHERE YOU WERE BITTEN?
( LAUGHTER ) >> ON MY LOWER BODY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN
APPLE.
>> AND I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
UH, I WAS WITH MY SON WATCHING THE NEW YORK YANKEES IN 1998,
AND...
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT!
>> Stephen: ONE YANKEE FAN, ONE.
>> WHAT'S THAT ABOUT!
AND WE HAD-- I MEAN, THE '98 YANKS.
COME ON!
WE HAD A BASEBALL THAT THE WHOLE TEAM SIGNED.
HE HAS A BASEBALL THE WHOLE TEAM SIGNED.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S NICE.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT TENDS TO BE THE ANSWER.
IT TENDS TO BE A SPORTS FIGURE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, BRUCE?
>> OKAY, INDIVIDUAL CONSCIOUSNESS.
ADIOS.
BUT OUR SOULS AND OUR SPIRITS I THINK GROW AND LIVE ON WITH THE
PEOPLE THAT WE'VE LOVED AND WHO HAVE LOVED US AND WITH PEOPLE
WE'VE HAD IMPACT ON, WITH OUR WORK OR WITH OUR-- IN OUR DAILY
EXPERIENCE.
SO I'M GOING WITH THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICE.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> ACTION... WELL, I ACTUALLY LOVE A PICTURE THAT NO ONE IS
GOING TO KNOW CALLED "VANISHING POINT."
>> Stephen: I KNOW "VANISHING POINT."
YOU NEVER SEE-- THE DRIVER NEVER TALKS, RIGHT, AND HIS SHIFT SER
A GUN HANDLE, I THINK.
AND AT THE END, HE DRIVES RIGHT INTO THE BULL DOUGHERS.
>> YOU GOT THE END RIGHT.
I THINK HE TALKS, AND I DON'T REMEMBER THE GUN HANDLE.
BUT ANYWAY, THAT IS THE MOVIE.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT IN THIS
ROOM.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M IMPRESSED.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL?
>> MY WIFE, PATTY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
>> SULFUR.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
EXERCISE?
WORTH IT?
>> I'M 72.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> FLAT.
>> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON YOUR SEWN?
>> SIRI, HOW DO YOU GET TO...
>> Stephen: NAVIGATION.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> ONE?
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> WHOA.
UH... "SUMMER WIND" FRANK SINATRA.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF IT?
>> 7?
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> DAMN, WHAT A ( BLEEP ) RIDE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN,
EVERYBODY!
"THE LEGENDARY 1979 NO NUKES CONCERT" IS AVAILABLE
NOVEMBER 19.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
I CAN FIND IT EVENTUALLY.
( APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK "THE "THE LATE SHOW."
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "PARKS AND
RECREATION," "LEGION," AND "HAPPIEST SEASON."
SHE HAS NOW WRITTEN HER FIRST BOOK, "THE LEGEND OF THE
CHRISTMAS WITCH."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," AUBREY PLAZA!
♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE WITCH
MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE
WITCH ♪ MUST BE THE SEASON OF THE
WITCH ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I HAD, AUBREY.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A DELIGHTFUL OUTFIT YOU HAVE ON
THERE.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS-- DO I HAVE IT HERE?
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: THIS IS, THIS, I ASSUME IS RELATED TO "THE LEGEND
OF THE CHRISTMAS WITCH."
>> OH, YES.
TONIGHT I AM HONORING THE CHRISTMAS WITCH.
I FEEL HER COARSING THROUGH MY VAINS!
I CAN FEEL HER!
AAARRGGHH!
>> Stephen: I WAS-- I WAS RAILED A ROMAN CATHOLIC.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND I AM NOT THAT FAMILIAR WITH THE CHRISTMAS
WITCH.
TELL ME-- TELL ME WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT AUBREY.
>> YES.
THE "CHRISTMAS WITCH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN AROUND.
SHE IS SANTA CLAUS' LONG-LOST TWIN SISTER.
SHE ENDED UP ON THE SOUL POLE, A NICE DANISH FAMILY, CALLED THE
KRINGLES, TOOK SANTA CLAUS WHEN THEY WERE BABIES.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
HE GOT VERY POPULAR.
BUT THE CHRISTMAS WITCH WAS SHAFTED!
SHE ENDED UP ON THE SOUTH POLE!
SHE HAS PENGUINS INSTEAD OF REINDEER.
AND SHE'S TRYING TO FIND HER BROTHER.
SHE'S A MISUNDERSTOOD CHARACTER, AND HER STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD!
AND I'M HERE TO TELL IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU DEDICATE THIS
BOOK-- YOU DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO "FOR MY MOM, A BRAVE WITCH
INDEED."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DID SHE INSPIRE YOUR LOVE-- LOVE, I ASSUME-- OF
WITCHES?
>> DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY.
MY MOTHER IS A WITCH FROM DELAWARE.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'D LIKE ME TO CALL HER THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, DELAWARE IS A WITCHY PLACE.
>> Stephen: IS IT?
>> OH, YEAH.
THERE'S LOTS OF FORESTS.
THERE'S A ROAD CALLED "DEVIL'S ROAD."
MY MOM USED TO PACK US ALL UP IN THE VAN AND DRIVE US THERE TO
SCARE US SOMETIMESES WHEN SHE GOT BORED.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S THINGS LIKE THIS THAT
SHE DID THAT MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID THE-- WHERE DID THE STORY OF-- HOW DID
YOU COME UP WITH THE STORY OF THE WITCH?
>> YES, I UNDERSTAND.
SO ONE -- >> Stephen: IT WAS MY
QUESTION, I WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK, YOU
UNDERSTAND.
>> I KNOW, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM.
I GOT YOU.
ONE NIGHT I WAS SLEEPING, AND I HAD A DREAM.
AND THE CHRISTMAS WITCH APPEARED TO ME, WHISPERING IN MY EAR,
SOME KIND OF MELATONIN-INDUCED HALLUCINATION, AND SHE SAID, "BE
ME.
TELL MY STORY."
AND I SHOT UP OUT OF BED, AND I DECIDED THIS CHRISTMAS I'M GOING
TO DRESS UP LUKE A WITCH, AND I'M GOING TO GO TO PEOPLE'S
HOUSES, AND I'M GOING TO THROW PRNTSZ AT CHILDREN.
I'M GOING TO SCARE THEM, BUT I'M ALSO GOING TO GIVE THEM PRESENTS
AT THE SAME TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE SHE'S REPOSSESSING YOU AS YOU TELL THE
STORY.
>> AARRGGH!
AND I WOULD GO TO THE WOODS AND GO INTO THE BUSHES!
AND I WOULD -- >> Stephen: AUBREY, COME BACK.
COME BACK, AUBREY!
>> WHEW.
THAT WAS A BIG ONE.
SO, ANYWAY, A COUPLE OF CHRISTMASES AGO, I STARTED THIS
TRADITION.
>> Stephen: YOU DRESSED UP AS A WITCH AND THREW PRESENTS AT
CHILDREN.
>> LOOK I LOVE HALLOWEEN.
I LOVE DRESSING UP LUKE A WITCH ON HALLOWEEN, AND I GET SAD
NOVEMBER 1 EVERY YEAR BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET AND
CONTACTLE AT THE TOP OF MY RUNS ANYMORE.
AND I DECIDED I'M GOING TO DO IT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR AND
THROW PRESENTS AT CHILDREN AND TRY TO SCARE THEM AT THE SAME
TIME, AND I THINK THEY'LL LIKE IT.
MIXED SIGNALS ARE THRILLING.
>> Stephen: WE DO HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK HERE.
>> DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, AUBREY IS GOING TO SPILL THE TEA
ON HER COSTARS.
STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "THE LEGEND OF THE CHRISTMAS
WITCH."
AUBREY PLAZA.
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS WHICH I'M A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS
OF.
YOU GOT TO WORK WITH THE BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED
MR. MICHAEL KANE, THE LEGEND.
>> MICHAEL CAINE.
>> Stephen: SURE, NICE PROMPT.
I LOVE HIM.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE TO WORK WITH
THIS MAN?
>> WELL, SPEAKING AS AUBREY, IT WAS-- IT WAS THE BEST.
MICHAEL CAINE IS THE BEST.
>> Stephen: HE'S AN HONEST TO GOD TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT THE
OLD DAYS.
>> OH, YEAH.
HE LOVES TELLING STORIES.
HE'S LIKE A CHILD.
LIKE, HE'S BEEN AROUND FOREVER.
HE'S SEEN IT ALL, BUT HE STILL HAS THIS CURIOSITY AND LOVE FOR
BEING ON SET.
HE KNOWS EVERYBODY'S NAME.
HE'S SO RESPECTFUL AND SWEET.
HE TELLS STORIES EVERY DAY.
HE WAS AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND A TREMENDOUS ACTOR.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE AN ACTING PROGRAM WITH HIM.
>> OH, YES.
HE TAUGHT ME A LOT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> IT WAS LIKE A ROAD TRIP COMEDY.
SO WE WERE STUCK IN A CAR TOGETHER FOR A WHILE.
AND-- OH, YEAH.
AND HE WOULD-- HE WOULD DO STUFF LIKE-- HE WOULD BE LIKE, "NOW,
WHEN I'M GOING TO DO MY CLOSE-UP--" THIS IS A VERY BAD
IMPRESSION.
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD SO FAR.
>> "WHEN I DO MY CLOSE-UP, WATCH WHAT I DO.
I'M GOING TO SAVE THIS EYE FOR THE CAMERA, AND THIS EYE FOR
YOU.
AND I THINK YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME."
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
YOU'RE NOT A CHAMELEON.
>> I SAID,"MICHAEL, I'M NOT DOING THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALK ABOUT."
HE SAID, "I HAVE TWO ACADEMY AWARPDS AND YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO
WHAT I'M SAYING.
THIS EYE FOR THE CAMERA, THIS EYE FOR YOU."
HE TAUGHT ME, THE CAMERA IS HERE-- IF WE WERE IN A MOVIE NOW
AND THE CAMERA IS HERE, AND YOU WERE MICHAEL CAINE, YOU WOULD
SAVE THAT EYE FOR THE CAMERA AND THIS EYE FOR ME.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT.
DO IT TO ME.
OKAY, READY?
CAMERA IS HERE, ONE EYE FOR THE CAMERA, ONE EYE FOR ME.
>> YEAH.
I WANT A DIVORCE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU CAN HAVE ONE.
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SO I CAN'T STOP DOING IT.
BUT WHEN WE DID IT, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT IT.
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IT REALLY DOES WORK.
HE'S A VERY TECHNICAL ACTOR.
AND HE WOULD SAY, "I DON'T SEE THE BLOODY CAMERA ANYWHERE."
I WOULD SAY, "MICHAEL, YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE IT.
LOOK AHEAD AND SAY THE LINES."
HE WOULD SAY, "WHERE'S THE CAMERA."
HE LOVES TO PLAY THE LENS.
>> Stephen: ONE THING I FOUND OUT MICHAEL CAINE SAID AFTER
THIS MOVIE THAT THAT WILL BE HIS LAST MOVIE, THE MOVIE HE DID
WITH YOU.
AUBREY PLAZA, DID YOU BREAK MICHAEL CAINE?
( LAUGHTER ) WAS THERE ANY OF THIS ACTION ON
SET IS WHAT I'M ASKING?
>> LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.
I BLACKED OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ONCE HE-- ONCE HE
EXPERIENCED THE BEST... YOU GOT TO WRAP IT UP.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: WILL YOU DO OTHER MOVIES OR IS MICHAEL CAINE YOUR
LAST, TOO.
>> I'M DONE.
I'M RETIRED.
ME AND MICHAEL GO OUT TOGETHER.
I DO WHAT HE DOES NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU'LL FIGHT CRIME.
>> WE'LL FIGHT EVERYBODY.
WE'LL TAKE EVERYBODY DOWN.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, WHICH WAS ON ZOOM.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU FOR YEARS IN PERSON.
>> A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE PANDEMIC, HUH?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> I DRESS LIKE THIS NOW.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU TALKED ABOUT DOING--
WE DID A SEGMENT CALLED "TEA AT THE PLAZA," WHERE AUBREY PLAZA
SPILLS THE TEA ON HER COSTARS.
I WAS WONDERING WHETHER YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR US HERE AGAIN
TONIGHT.
>> OH!
ALL RIGHT!
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA BEFORE YOU SPILL THE
TEA?
>> WHAT KIND OF TEA IS IT?
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.
>> IT'S DANDELION TEA.
>> Stephen: IT IS?
HOW DO YOU KNOW.
>> I REQUESTED IT.
THE WITCH ONLY DRINKS DANDY LION TEA.
>> Stephen: DO YOU TAKE A SPOT OF CREAM.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO, OKAY.
MMM.
>> MMM.
YOU SMELL DANDELIONS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS LIKE DRINKING GRASS.
THANK YOU.
THAT IS JUST SOMEBODY MOWED A LAWN AND PUT IT IN A POT.
THERE YOU GO.
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT CHOICE.
EXCELLENT CHOICE.
( APPLAUSE ) MMM.
DO YOU WANT-- DO YOU WANT A SAUCER?
DO YOU WANT A SAUCER THERE?
>> YES, DARLING.
>> Stephen: I WILL GIVE YOU THE NAME OF A COSTAR.
>> OH, GOD.
>> Stephen: YOU SPILL THE TEA.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: NO PRESSURE.
SPILL THE TEA ON MICHAEL CAINE.
>> MICHAEL CAINE, HE IS A NAUGHTY BOY.
HE LIKES TO STICK HIS TOES IN ELECTRICAL OUTFITS-- OUTLETS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SPILL THE TEA ON
KRISTEN STEWART.
>> KRISTEN STEWART SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON AND GASOLINE, AND I
HEARD THAT SHE SECRETLY WANT MEAS TO OFFICIATE HER WEDDING,
BUT SHE'S TOO AFRAID TO ASK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.
MOLLY SHANNON?
>> OKAY, MOLLY SHANNON IS ONE OF THE MOST LEGENDARY LIVING CON
ARTISTS ALIVE TODAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
I JUST-- I'M SERIOUS.
I JUST READ -- >> Stephen: SO FAR, I CAN
TELL.
>> MOLLY SHANNON CONNED HER WAY INTO HOLLYWOOD, AND SHE KNOWS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BECAUSE I JUST READ HER AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND IT IS JUICY,
AND IT IS GOOD.
AND IT'S COMING OUT IN APRIL.
I'M GOING TO PROMOTE HER BOOK.
I DON'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ).
HER BOOK-- HER BOOK IS SO GOOD --
>> Stephen: DOES SHE REALLY HAVE A MEMOIR COME OUT IN APRIL?
>> YES, AND IT'S CALLED "HELLO MOLLY."
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S SO ( BLEEP ) GOOD.
I CRIED.
I LAUGHED.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
EVERYBODY SHOULD GET IT.
AFTER THEY GET THE OTHER ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOUR BOOK.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: "THE CHRISTMAS WITCH."
THE OTHER ONE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: ALL OF THAT WAS SCANDALOUS.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A SCANDALOUS REVELATION, MOLLY-- I
MEAN, NOT MOLLY.
>> NO, I AM MOLLY.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT ME THINKING ABOUT MOLLY SHANNON.
I'M ONLY THINKING ABOUT MOLLY SHANNON NOW.
>> I WISH I WAS MOLLY.
>> Stephen: SPILL THE TEA ON AUBREY PLAZA.
WHAT DO WE NOT KNOW ABOUT AUBREY PLAZA?
>> AUBREY PLAZA IS BORING.
SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING INTERESTING.
SHE-- WHAT?
>> Stephen: NOTHING.
>> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> SHE CAN PLAY THE SAXOPHONE, OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN PLAY-- SHE CAN PLAY THE SAXOPHONE?
( APPLAUSE ) CAN YOU REALLY PLAY THE
SAXOPHONE?
>> YEAH.
YEAH, ME, BILL CLINTON...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE BETTER, YOU OR BILL
CLINTON?
>> DEFINITELY BILL.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU PLAY?
>> JUST SINCE WAS A LITTLE KID.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU PLAY?
>> LONG, LIKE -- >> Stephen: CAN YOU BE ANY
MORE SPECIFIC?
( LAUGHTER ) NOT ONE INDIVIDUAL SONG.
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STATED PLAYING?
>> OH, OH, I DON'T KNOW, PROBABLY, LIKE, FIFTH GRADE OR
SOMETHING.
I WAS JUST IN THE BAND OR WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: AND HAVE YOU KEPT IT UP?
>> YEAH, I TRY.
BUT IT'S A HARD INSTRUMENT TO WHIP OUT AND PRACTICE BECAUSE IT
REALLY ANNOYS OTHER PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: UNLESS YOU PRACTICE, AND THEN IT'S QUITE
DELIGHTFUL.
>> I PRACTICE IN THE WOODS SOMETIMES.
THAT'S WHERE I GET MY REAL WORK DONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AUBREY.
>> STEPHEN.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
"THE LEGEND OF THE CHRISTMAS WITCH" IS AVAILABLE NOVEMBER 16.
AUBREY PLAZA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ACCORDING TO "MOTHER JONES" IN BETWEEN NEGOTIATING SESSIONS
THAT HAVE RAISED HIS PROFILE AND ACROSS THE NATION, MANCHIN HAS
DISCUSSED WHETHER THE BEST TIME TO PRESENT A PROPOSAL TO
PUBLISHERS WOULD BE DURING THE ONGOING DRAMA OVER THE "BUILD
BACK BETTER" LEGISLATION OR AFTER I FINAL DEAL IS REACHED.
CONGRESSMAN, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DIAL DOWN THE TENSION
BETWEEN YOU TWO BY WRITING A BLURB FOR JOE MANCHIN'S BOOK?
>> THE BLURB.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IS NOW THE TIME FOR THE BOOK?
>> THAT BLURB WILL LOOK GREAT ON THE COVER.
HEY THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW"
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KENNETH BRANAGH AND
ELLIE KEMPER.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!