1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,503 >> HEINZ IS TAKING KETCHUP INTO 2 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:08,441 THE FUTURE, UNVEILING A NEW MIX USING TOMATOES GROWN AS IF THEY 3 00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:09,776 WERE ON MARS. 4 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:13,246 THE RESULT: MARZ-- WITH A "Z"-- TOMATOES. 5 00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:17,083 RESEARCHERS AT HEINZ SAY THE EXPERIMENT SHOWS THE POSSIBILITY 6 00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:20,553 OF LONG-TERM FOOD PRODUCTION WHEN HUMANS LIVE ON ANOTHER 7 00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:21,254 PLANET. 8 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:23,556 >> LOVE KETCHUP AND SPACE? 9 00:00:23,623 --> 00:00:25,258 BUT MARS ISN'T FAR ENOUGH OUT FOR YOU? 10 00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:29,262 INTRODUCING HUNTS URANUS KETCHUP, THE ONLY KETCHUP MADE 11 00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:33,266 WITH TOMATOES GROWN IN THE SAME CONDITIONS AS URANUS. 12 00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,535 BECAUSE AT HUNTS, WE REFUSE TO BE OUT-PLANETTED. 13 00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:38,938 YOU HEAR THAT, HEINZ? 14 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,241 IMAGINE MEATLOAF FROM URANUS, OR DIP A FRY IN URANUS. 15 00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:44,677 MMM. 16 00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:47,147 AFTER EVERY BITE, YOU'LL SAY, "I CAN REALLY TASTE URANUS." 17 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,381 SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 18 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:52,919 WHEN YOU WANT TO DRESS UP YOUR FAVORITE MEAL, REACH FOR URANUS. 19 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,355 HUNTS URANUS KETCHUP: PROBABLY THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER TO 20 00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:57,290 COME OUT OF URANUS. 21 00:00:58,691 --> 00:00:59,993 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 22 00:01:00,059 --> 00:01:08,902 TONIGHT: THAT'S A PRICY MEAT BALL. 23 00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:13,273 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: QUENTIN TARANTINO 24 00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:20,413 AND "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE." 25 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:25,251 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 26 00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:29,255 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 27 00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:33,059 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 28 00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:36,796 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 29 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:39,365 >> Stephen: HEY! 30 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:49,242 MANUAL, YOU SNUCK UP ON ME THAT TIME! 31 00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:50,310 WOOO! 32 00:01:50,376 --> 00:01:56,282 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 33 00:01:56,349 --> 00:01:58,384 THIS IS VERY NICE. 34 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:02,589 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD. 35 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,224 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 36 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,358 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 37 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,427 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 38 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:10,597 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, A PERSONAL QUESTION: HOW IS 39 00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:11,531 EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT? 40 00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:17,470 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WRONG. 41 00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:18,538 YOU'RE TERRIBLE. 42 00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,907 AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY: NORTH AMERICAN BEEF PRICES ARE 43 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,008 SOARING. 44 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,245 WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO SWITCH TO SOMETHING WITHOUT 45 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:28,581 MEAT, LIKE TACO BELL. 46 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,451 ( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ONE VEGAN HERE TONIGHT. 47 00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:31,885 ONE. 48 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:35,555 I WILL FIND YOU! 49 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:40,159 BEEF IS YET ANOTHER PRODUCT AFFECTED BY SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES. 50 00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,861 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED: 51 00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:45,265 HIGH STEAKS EDITION." 52 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:49,269 >> WHERE'S THE BEEF? 53 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:52,238 NO, SERIOUSLY, WHERE IS IT? 54 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:55,074 >> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON, FOLKS. 55 00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:57,310 SINCE THE PANDEMIC, DEMAND FOR MEAT TO COOK AT HOME IS WAY UP, 56 00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:59,512 WHILE MEAT PRODUCERS ARE FACING ESCALATING COSTS IN LABOR, RAW 57 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,247 MATERIALS, AND TRANSPORTATION. 58 00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:05,285 SO, EVERYTHING. 59 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:09,255 THAT'S LIKE A DOCTOR TELLING YOU, "MR. WILSON, YOUR TESTS 60 00:03:09,322 --> 00:03:13,259 CAME BACK, AND EVERYTHING'S FINE, EXCEPT YOUR SKIN, YOUR 61 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:15,028 BONES, AND YOUR ORGANS." 62 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:17,263 ( LAUGHTER ) WITH DEMAND AND COSTS BOTH UP, 63 00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:21,267 IN THE PAST YEAR, PRICES FOR SIRLOIN, BONELESS CHUCK ROAST, 64 00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:25,271 AND BACON HAVE JUMPED BY ABOUT 25%, A PHENOMENON EXPERTS ARE 65 00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:28,374 CALLING "MEATFLATION." 66 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:33,246 ALSO THE NAME OF MY SHORT-LIVED MEAT-THEMED BALLOON COMPANY. 67 00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:36,583 ( LAUGHTER ) MEATFLATION IS ALSO HITTING OUR 68 00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:37,517 FRIENDS NORTH OF THE BORDER. 69 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:41,254 IN CANADA, A RIB ROAST CAN SET YOU BACK $100. 70 00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:44,090 THAT'S RIDICULOUS! 71 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,325 $100! 72 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,560 THE ONLY HUNK OF CANADIAN MEAT WORTH THAT MUCH IS RYAN GOSLING. 73 00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:59,572 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS HE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 74 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:01,507 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT. 75 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:05,511 NOW, I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, "STEVE, WHAT'S THE BIG 76 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:06,613 DEAL? 77 00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:09,115 WHY NOT JUST EAT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MEAT?" 78 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,149 SHUT UP. 79 00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:13,620 ( LAUGHTER ) MEAT IS JUST THE RIB TIP OF THE 80 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,989 ICEBERG HERE. 81 00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:17,857 PRICES ARE ALSO GOING UP FOR EVERYTHING FROM COOKING OIL TO 82 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:23,162 DAIRY, AND THE PRICE OF MAKING PIZZA IS SOARING, FORCING NEW 83 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,264 YORK PIZZA SHOPS TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE POPULAR $1 SLICE. 84 00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:28,267 IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT PIZZA RAT CAN ONLY AFFORD GARLIC 85 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,268 KNOTS. 86 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:33,139 ( LAUGHTER ) AND AMERICANS ARE NOT HAPPY 87 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,108 ABOUT THIS. 88 00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:37,143 IN THE LATEST "USA TODAY/SUFFOLK UNIVERSITY/ 89 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:41,247 SMUCKERS GOOBER GRAPE POLL, JOE BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING HAS 90 00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:47,587 FALLEN TO "A NEW LOW OF 38%." 91 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,255 >> 38% AIN'T SO BAD, JACK. 92 00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:50,723 WHY, I REMEMBER BACK WHEN 38 WAS THE HIGHEST PERCENT THAT 93 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:51,958 EXISTED. 94 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:52,792 THEN OL' PATTY NUMBERTON CAME OUT AND SAID, 'HEY, FELLAS, WHAT 95 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:53,793 ABOUT 39?' AND WE ALL SAID, 'THAT'S THE 96 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:59,599 GREATEST IDEA SINCE SLICED BREAD.' 97 00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:02,702 AND THEN WE ALL WENT, 'YEAH, WHY DON'T WE START SLICIN' BREAD?' 98 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,271 I'M TIRED OF CHOKING ON A LOAF! 99 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:06,439 NO, I'M SERIOUS FOLKS." 100 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:09,242 THE POLL-- I'M BACK. 101 00:05:09,308 --> 00:05:11,577 THE POLL DID HAVE ONE BIT OF GOOD NEWS FOR BIDEN: HE'S NOT 102 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,246 KAMALA HARRIS. 103 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:20,586 BECAUSE THE SAME POLL SHOWED HER APPROVAL RATING AT 28%, A RECORD 104 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,589 LOW FOR A MODERN VICE PRESIDENT. 105 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:33,266 AT 28%, HARRIS' RATING WAS EVEN LOWER THAN THE THE PERCENT FOR 106 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,568 KICK CHENEY. 107 00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:38,971 MEANING TO IMPROVE HER POPULARITY SHE SHOULD CONSIDER 108 00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:41,574 SHOOTING SOMEONE IN THE FACE. 109 00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:44,911 IN A SEPARATE CNN POLL, THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE SAYING 110 00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:52,251 BIDEN ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO THE NATION'S MOST IMPORTANT 111 00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:53,486 ISSUES. 112 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:57,256 HE NEEDS TO CHANGE HIS SLOGAN FROM "BUILD BACK BETTER," TO WE 113 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,425 HAVE THE MEAT. 114 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:04,831 WELL, I FOR ONE-- I FOR ONE-- YOU GOTTA TRY. 115 00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:09,135 YOU GOTTA TRY. 116 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,571 ( APPLAUSE ) I, FOR ONE, CARE ABOUT 117 00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,272 POPULARITY. 118 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,209 THAT'S WHY THIS SHOW IS LASER FOCUSED ON THE ONE ISSUE 119 00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:20,346 AMERICANS REALLY CARE ABOUT: WHO IS "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S 120 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:21,414 "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2021"? 121 00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:33,259 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) G>> Audience: STEPHEN! 122 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,495 STEPHEN! 123 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,229 STEPHEN. 124 00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:37,530 >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 125 00:06:37,597 --> 00:06:38,364 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 126 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:39,432 STEPHEN. 127 00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:40,533 >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE, NOW IS NOT 128 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,135 THE TIME. 129 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:45,104 I'M GOING TO REVEAL THAT LATER IN THE SHOW. 130 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,005 COULD IT BE... ME? 131 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,275 ( LAUGHTER ) STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT. 132 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:52,945 SPEAKING OF SEXY MEN AND DEMOCRATS, THERE'S SOME NEWS 133 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:58,217 ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT AND MAN GIVING YOU HEALTHCARE WITH HIS 134 00:06:58,284 --> 00:06:59,585 EYES... 135 00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:03,556 ( APPLAUSE ) BARACK OBAMA. 136 00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:07,059 OBAMA IS IN GLASGOW FOR COP26, AND IN A SPEECH YESTERDAY, HE 137 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:09,262 REFERRED TO SCOTLAND AS "THE EMERALD ISLES," WHICH IS 138 00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:15,935 ACTUALLY THE NICKNAME FOR THEN OBAMA TOPPED HIS GAFFE WITH 139 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:21,240 A DOLLOP OF OOPS: >> SINCE WE'RE IN THE EMERALD 140 00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:23,576 ISLES HERE, LET ME QUOTE THE BARD, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. 141 00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:27,647 >> Stephen: SO HE CALLED SCOTLAND IRELAND, AND THEN 142 00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:29,215 QUOTED AN ENGLISHMAN. 143 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,616 AT LEAST WE DON'T NEED TO CHECK HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE, BECAUSE 144 00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:33,319 THAT IS THE MOST AMERICAN MOVE EVER. 145 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,720 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 146 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:45,097 THE SCOTTS-- THANK YOU. 147 00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:46,332 THE SCOTS WERE A LITTLE UPSET OBAMA QUOTED SHAKESPEARE INSTEAD 148 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,567 OF SCOTLAND'S BARD, ROBERT BURNS. 149 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:52,572 YES, WHY DIDN'T HE PICK ROBERT BURNS? 150 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,607 BURNS' WORDS JUST ROLL OFF THE TONGUE: 151 00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:56,209 ( WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT ) "O, WAD SOME POWER THE GIFTIE 152 00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:58,544 GIE US TO SEE OURSELS AS OTHERS SEE US! 153 00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:04,650 IT WAD FRAE MONIE A BLUNDER FREE US, 154 00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:05,384 AN' FOOLISH NOTION." 155 00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:11,591 PRETTY SURE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 156 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:17,630 PRETTY SURE THAT'S ABOUT CARBON CLIMATE CHANGE. 157 00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:19,599 MEANWHILE, STATESIDE, IN CONGRESS, THEY'RE STILL FOCUSED 158 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:23,603 ON WHO TRIED TO KILL EVERYONE IN CONGRESS. 159 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,671 THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE IS GOING AFTER THE FOLKS WHO PLANNED TO 160 00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:31,944 OVERTURN THE ELECTION, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN 161 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,246 TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP: "CONGRESSIONAL 162 00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:34,447 EDITION." 163 00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:38,751 >> THESE NEIGH-O NAZIS ARE UN-STABLE. 164 00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:43,089 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, HORSEY. 165 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,258 THE BIG HEADLINE IS THAT THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS ISSUED 166 00:08:45,324 --> 00:08:50,696 SIX SUBPOENAS TO THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TOP CAMPAIGN 167 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,266 ASSOCIATES, A COLLECTION OF POWERFUL DUMB-DUMBS WHO HELPED 168 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:57,270 ORCHESTRATE THE LAST-DITCH EFFORTS TO STEAL THE ELECTION, A 169 00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,972 HIGH-STAKES, LOW-I.Q. HEIST ON DEMOCRACY, STARRING PARDONED 170 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:04,443 CRIMINAL MICHAEL FLYNN, A.K.A., GENERAL GRUMPY PANTS. 171 00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:07,914 PARDONED CRIMINAL BERNIE KERIK: THE SCALP. 172 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:11,584 DISCRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN: THE ACCESSORIZER. 173 00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:17,256 CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL STEPIEN: BLAND MASTER FLASH. 174 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:27,867 EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT ANGELA McCALLUM, THE SPARE TIFFANY. 175 00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:32,271 AND'RE AND STEPHEN MILLER AS THE HONEY TRAP. 176 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:37,243 THESE TRADER JOES WAS HUDDLE TOGETHER IN A SET OF ROOMS AND 177 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,645 SUITES IN THE POSH WILLARD HOTEL IN DOWNTOWN D.C. 178 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,247 THEIR ROOM BAR TAB MUST'VE BEEN HUGE. 179 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:45,184 IT'S, LIKE, 20 BUCKS A POP FOR THOSE MINI MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. 180 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,586 ( LAUGHTER ) THESE GUYS DID ANYTHING THEY 181 00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:51,490 COULD TO STOP BIDEN FROM TAKING OFFICE, INCLUDING PUTTING 182 00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,793 PRESSURE ON MIKE PENCE TO DELAY OR EVEN BLOCK CERTIFICATION OF 183 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,594 THE ELECTION. 184 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:58,264 WELL, GOOD LUCK. 185 00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,565 PENCE IS A MASTER OF WITHSTANDING PEER PRESSURE. 186 00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:03,235 EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, HIS FRIENDS COULDN'T GET HIM TO EXPERIMENT 187 00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,271 WITH UN-GARTERED SOCKS: "NO, THANK YOU. 188 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:09,241 ELASTIC IS THE DEVIL'S REACH-AROUND." 189 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:15,448 ( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE IS ESPECIALLY 190 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:21,253 INTERESTED IN MICHAEL FLYNN, BECAUSE HE PUBLICLY CALLED FOR 191 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,589 THE MILITARY TO INTERVENE AND SEIZE VOTING MACHINES, AND 192 00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,458 ENCOURAGED THE PRESIDENT TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO FORCE NEW 193 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,827 ELECTIONS IN BATTLEGROUND STATES. 194 00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,762 SENDING IN THE U.S. ARMY TO CHANGE THE RESULTS OF AN 195 00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:33,265 ELECTION IS NOT SOMETHING THIS COUNTRY DOES. 196 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:37,269 IN NORTH AMERICA. 197 00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:42,274 AND THE THREAT FROM THESE CLOWNS IS NOT OVER. 198 00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:43,743 HERE'S ONE OF THEM, JOHN EASTMAN-- THE CROOKED LAWYER WHO 199 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:47,179 SHOULD BE DISBARRED BEFORE I FINISH THIS SENTENCE-- JUST TWO 200 00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:49,248 WEEKS AGO SPREADING THE LIE THAT THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WAS 201 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:53,252 AN INSIDE JOB: >> THE WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP. 202 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,256 I MEAN, IT WAS A SETUP. 203 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:02,194 JOHN SULLIVAN, ANTIFA GUY, GOT PAID 60,000 BUCKS BY CNN TO 204 00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,597 BREAK IN AND GET VIDEO EVIDENCE OF VIOLENCE. 205 00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:07,633 >> Stephen: YES, CNN ORGANIZED THE INSURRECTION. 206 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,635 EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHEN THE SENATE CHAMBER WAS PRESIDED OVER 207 00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,570 BY THE WOLF SHAMAN. 208 00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:19,412 ( AS WOLF BLITZER ) "ANDERSON, I'M BREAKING IN NOW. 209 00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:21,247 STOP THE STEAL." 210 00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,582 THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE ISSUED 10 211 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,251 MORE SUBPOENAS. 212 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:29,255 ONE MORE, AND THEY GET A FREE SUB...POENA. 213 00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:35,594 BECAUSE THERE'S GOING TO BE WAY MORE SUBPOENAS AFTER THIS. 214 00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:36,796 SO, WHO'S IN THE FRESH BATCH? 215 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,798 WELL, DOES THE NAME KENNETH KLUKOWSKI MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? 216 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:43,736 BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS. 217 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:46,639 I THINK HE'S ONE OF THE MONSTERS FROM "MONSTERS INC." 218 00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:49,275 I DO RECOGNIZE ONE PERSON BEING SUMMONED TO CAPITOL HILL: 219 00:11:49,341 --> 00:11:53,245 SENIOR ADVISOR, STEPHEN MILLER. 220 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:56,082 WHICH IS SURPRISING. 221 00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:58,851 I THOUGHT HE COULD ONLY BE SUMMONED BY SACRIFICING A GOAT. 222 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,187 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 223 00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:03,322 MY GUEST IS QUENTIN TARANTINO. 224 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:08,627 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL REVEAL "PEOPLE'S" "SEXIEST MAN 225 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:09,862 ALIVE." 226 00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:10,896 STICK AROUND. 227 00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:20,005 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 228 00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,232 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LADIES AND 229 00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:54,039 GENTLEMEN, AS I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE LAST COUPLE DAYS, 230 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,942 RIGHT NOW, THERE IS ONE MAJOR QUESTION ON ABSOLUTELY 231 00:12:57,009 --> 00:13:00,946 EVERYONE'S MINDS: WHO WILL BE "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "SEXIEST MAN 232 00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:02,948 ALIVE" FOR 2021? 233 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:09,722 IN THESE DIVIDED TIMES, IT'S THE LAST THING THAT ALL AMERICANS 234 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:10,856 CARE ABOUT. 235 00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:11,790 SO, OF COURSE, THERE HAS BEEN RAMPANT SPECULATION IN THE 236 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,292 SEXINESS MARKETS. 237 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,361 ON THURSDAY, THE "NEW YORK POST" REPORTED THAT THE TITLE WOULD GO 238 00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:18,964 TO CHRIS EVANS. 239 00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:22,968 SIMULTANEOUSLY, DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON CLAIMED IT WAS 240 00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:25,905 HIS, SAYING HE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. 241 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:31,210 ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, OF COURSE, RAISES THE 242 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,112 QUESTION: WILL THESE TWO HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE TITLE? 243 00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:36,582 AND, IF SO, WILL THEY GET ALL SWEATY AND KIND OF WRESTLE? 244 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,951 THAT MIGHT BE SEXY. 245 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:42,955 WELL, ALL THE SPECULATION ENDS TONIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS MY 246 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:46,425 DISTINCT HONOR TO HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY THE GOOD PEOPLE AT 247 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:50,963 "PEOPLE" TO BE THE OFFICIAL PERSON TO ANNOUNCE THIS YEAR'S 248 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:52,198 "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"! 249 00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,967 IT IS NOT A RESPONSIBILITY I TAKE LIGHTLY. 250 00:13:55,034 --> 00:14:05,311 AS AN OFFICIAL SEXINESS ADJUDICATOR, I RAN A THOROUGH 251 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:07,146 AND COMPREHENSIVE SCIENTIFIC EVALUATION ON DOZENS OF 252 00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,914 POTENTIALLY TOP SEXY LIVING MALES. 253 00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:10,115 AND TONIGHT, WE PRESENT A BEHIND-THE-SCENES GLIMPSE OF ONE 254 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:10,950 OF THOSE CANDIDATES. 255 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:17,289 JIM? 256 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:22,962 HELP ME, MATTHEW. 257 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,863 ( LAUGHTER ) AMY, PLEASE SEND IN MY 11:00 258 00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,232 SEXY MAN. 259 00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:26,966 >> HI. 260 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,701 >> Stephen: UH, EXCUSE ME. 261 00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:29,335 I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG ROOM. 262 00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:32,304 THIS IS "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE." 263 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,706 ( APPLAUSE ) >> OH, NO. 264 00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:34,273 THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. 265 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:34,740 >> Stephen: CONFIDENCE. 266 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:35,107 THAT'S SEXY. 267 00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:38,043 HAVE A SEAT. 268 00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:38,944 >> THANK YOU. 269 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,313 >> Stephen: AND YOUR NAME IS? 270 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,848 >> UH, PAUL RUDD. 271 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:45,851 >> Stephen: UH, PAUL RUDD, PAUL RUDD, PAUL RUDD... 272 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:46,952 I DON'T-- I DON'T SEE THAT. 273 00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,622 I HAVE A RAUL PUDD? 274 00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:50,389 >> THAT'S PROBABLY A TYPO. 275 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,056 >> Stephen: OKAY. 276 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:51,490 CORRECTING "PEOPLE," NOT SEXY. 277 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:56,862 STRIKE AGAINST. 278 00:14:56,929 --> 00:15:01,267 >> BUT NO, YOU FEEL FREE TO CALL ME RAUL PUDD, 279 00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:02,101 ANYTHING IS FINE. 280 00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:02,968 >> Stephen: FLEXIBILITY, THAT IS SEXY. 281 00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,370 OKAY, WE'RE BACK IN THE BLACK. 282 00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:05,037 UH, LETS GET STARTED, PAUL. 283 00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:05,604 ARE YOU READY TO BE SWORN IN? 284 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:06,939 >> ABSOLUTELY. 285 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,708 >> Stephen: RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND AND PUT YOUR LEFT HAND ON 286 00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:10,943 THE PHOTO OF YOUR OWN FACE. 287 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:11,777 >> UH... 288 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:17,316 >> Stephen: DID YOU BRING A HEADSHOT? 289 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:20,919 >> I COULD JUST USE MY OWN FACE? 290 00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:21,987 >> Stephen: YES, OKAY. 291 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:22,955 I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR. 292 00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:25,591 >> I DO SOLEMLY SWEAR. 293 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,160 >> Stephen: TO GIVE THE SEXIEST ANSWERS I CAN. 294 00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:29,328 >> TO GIVE THE SEXIEST ANSWERS I CAN. 295 00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:30,963 >> Stephen: TO BE A MAN. 296 00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:32,131 >> TO BE A MAN. 297 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:32,931 >> Stephen: AND STAY ALIVE. 298 00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,967 >> AND STAY ALIVE. 299 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:38,971 >> Stephen: SO HELP ME McCONAUGHAY. 300 00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:40,506 >> SO HELP ME McCONAUGHAY. 301 00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:41,307 >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S GREAT. 302 00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:42,441 YOU'RE READY. 303 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:46,945 WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU KNEW THAT YOU WERE SEXY? 304 00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:47,579 >> I GUESS, LIKE, WHEN I WAS... 305 00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:49,648 WHEN I WAS A BABY. 306 00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:50,382 I THINK A BABY. 307 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,016 BUT IT WAS-- I WAS A BABY. 308 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,319 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SEXY WAS. 309 00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:57,122 I JUST FELT DIFFERENT. 310 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,023 >> Stephen: OKAY, HOW SO? 311 00:15:58,090 --> 00:15:59,091 >> WELL, I HAD A-- I WORE A THONG DIAPER. 312 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,359 MY DIAPER WAS A THONG. 313 00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:02,961 >> Stephen: OKAY. 314 00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,832 >> UM, AND I KNEW THAT THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T DO THAT. 315 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,200 BUT LOOKING BACK, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S VERY SEXY, BUT I JUST 316 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,501 THOUGHT IT WAS... 317 00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:10,936 FRENCH. 318 00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,071 >> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 319 00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:17,309 WHEN IT COMES TO SEXINESS, WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS? 320 00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:22,948 >> OH, BOY, UH... WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? 321 00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:24,083 I HAVE-- I HAVE A WEIRD FOOT. 322 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,952 I SUFFER FROM A THING CALLED BIG PINKY. 323 00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:29,321 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT? 324 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:34,993 >> WELL, UM... 325 00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:48,907 ( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE THAT DOESN'T COUNT 326 00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:49,575 AGAINST ME. 327 00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:50,909 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT? 328 00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:53,045 ONE POINT FOR HONESTY. 329 00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,012 THAT'S VULNERABILITY. 330 00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,013 LETS LOOK AT SOME OF YOUR SEXY WORK EXPERIENCE. 331 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,882 DID YOU BRING A RESUME? 332 00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,951 >> I DID. 333 00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:06,959 >> Stephen: OKAY. 334 00:17:07,025 --> 00:17:09,261 >> CALVIN KLEIN. 335 00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:11,330 >> Stephen: OH, CALVIN KLEIN PERFUME? 336 00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:13,599 >> UH, NO, NO. 337 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:17,269 I JUST, I JUST RUBBED MY UNDERWEAR ON IT. 338 00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:18,937 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT 339 00:17:19,004 --> 00:17:20,672 "CLUELESS." 340 00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:22,941 UM, YOU WERE THE LOVE INTEREST THERE, BUT YOU'RE HER BROTHER. 341 00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:26,945 >> WELL, STEP-BROTHER. 342 00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:30,916 >> Stephen: OKAY, PAUL? 343 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,217 THIS IS "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE," NOT PORNIEST MAN ALIVE. 344 00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:33,185 >> IT WAS BASED ON JANE AUSTEN. 345 00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:34,987 >> Stephen: PORN. 346 00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:38,524 >> YEAH. 347 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:39,591 >> Stephen: OKAY, ARE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANT? 348 00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:44,930 >> NO, BUT I'M WILLING TO TRY. 349 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,199 OF WHAT DO YOU SEE THAT'S IN COMMON? 350 00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:52,871 >> THEY'RE ALL KIND OF CASUALLY RECLINING. 351 00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:53,372 >> Stephen: POSTURE. 352 00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:56,542 CAN I SEE YOU SLUMP? 353 00:17:56,608 --> 00:17:58,777 SHOW ME-- SHOW ME A SEXY SLUMP. 354 00:17:58,844 --> 00:17:59,111 >> SURE THING. 355 00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:02,948 UM.... 356 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,884 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 357 00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:06,952 >> Stephen: CAN I GET YOU TO STAND IN FRONT OF THAT 358 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:10,722 SILHOUETTE FOR A SECOND PLEASE? 359 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:11,056 THANK YOU. 360 00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:17,095 MHM, MHM. 361 00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:17,663 CAN YOU TURN AROUND PLEASE? 362 00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:20,899 TURN AROUND PLEASE. 363 00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,435 STAY THE SAME LEVEL STAY THE SAME HEIGHT. 364 00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:24,303 STAY THE SAME HEIGHT. 365 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:24,837 STAY DOWN THERE. 366 00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:26,939 TURN AROUND. 367 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:29,308 VERY SLOWLY. 368 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:30,943 SLOWLY. 369 00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:38,851 ( LAUGHTER ) >> SORRY. 370 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:39,318 THIS IS GOOD? 371 00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:43,422 >> Stephen: YEAH. 372 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:46,558 LET'S DO A QUICK WORD-- >> SORRY. 373 00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:49,194 >> Stephen: WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN. 374 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,463 I THINK YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE. 375 00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,967 PAUL, CARDS ON THE TABLE, I'M IMPRESSED SO FAR. 376 00:18:55,033 --> 00:19:00,539 YOU'RE PRESENTING VERY SEXUALLY MENTALLY, AT LEAST. 377 00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:05,310 AND NOT EVERYONE KNOWS THIS, BUT THERE IS A CERTAIN PHYSICAL 378 00:19:05,377 --> 00:19:09,615 COMPONENT TO "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" AS WELL. 379 00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:10,949 ARE YOU READY FOR AN EXAMINATION? 380 00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:11,650 >> YES. 381 00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:12,417 >> Stephen: LET'S DO IT. 382 00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:13,252 >> OKAY. 383 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:14,753 >> Stephen: GET UP SEXY, GET UP SEXY. 384 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,187 GET UP SEXY, PLEASE. 385 00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:17,322 THAT'S IT. 386 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,725 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 387 00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:20,759 >> Stephen: WOW. 388 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,828 WHAT A ROLLER COASTER RIDE. 389 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,496 ( APPLAUSE ) MY HEART IS POUNDING. 390 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:27,399 AND I KNOW WHAT'S COMING. 391 00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:29,601 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STICK AROUND, BECAUSE WHEN WE COME 392 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:32,404 BACK, I RUN PAUL THROUGH HIS SEXY PACES. 393 00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:33,438 YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO SEE THIS. 394 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:34,973 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 395 00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:47,719 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, 396 00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:50,522 EVERYBODY. 397 00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:58,330 IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE ARE TANK OUR ONGOING COVERAGE OF 398 00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:02,234 2021'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE." 399 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:03,368 WHEN WE LEFT OFF, PAUL RUDD PROVED HE HAD THE MIND TO BE 400 00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:04,836 SEXY. 401 00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:06,371 BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THING HE CARRIES HIS MIND AROUND IN-- HIS 402 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:06,672 BODY. 403 00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:14,680 JIM? 404 00:20:14,746 --> 00:20:16,882 >> Stephen: STEP TWO WAS BRING PAUL RUDD INTO "THE LATE SHOW'S" 405 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:17,616 SEXINESS LAB FOR A FULL RUNDOWN. 406 00:20:17,683 --> 00:20:18,684 AGE? 407 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:22,287 >> 52. 408 00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:25,524 ( LAUGHS ) >> Stephen: SENSE OF HUMOR. 409 00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:26,291 VERY SEXY. 410 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:29,094 ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO AN ORAL EXAM. 411 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:34,666 SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU PUT ONE FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH. 412 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,102 TWO FINGERS? 413 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,670 ( LAUGHTER ) CAN YOU GET THE WHOLE FIST IN 414 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,674 THERE? 415 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,077 ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU. 416 00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:46,678 OKAY. 417 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:55,954 YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. 418 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:57,055 >> THANK YOU. 419 00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:58,690 >> Stephen: OKAY, LET ME CHECK OUT THOSE EYES, OKAY? 420 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:02,094 ALL RIGHT? 421 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:02,661 PICK A SPOT ON THE WALL. 422 00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:03,095 PICK A SPOT ON THE WALL. 423 00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:03,495 OKAY. 424 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:08,133 MHM, MHM, MHM. 425 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,101 YEAH, THOSE ARE DREAMY. 426 00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:13,538 THOSE ARE DREAMY. 427 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:16,375 WELL, PAUL, I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED GLASSES. 428 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:17,843 >> REALLY? 429 00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:18,844 IS MY VISION BAD? 430 00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:21,079 >> Stephen: NO, I JUST THINK THEY MIGHT BE SEXY. 431 00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:26,685 HERE, TRY THESE ON. 432 00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:28,086 WOW, WOW. 433 00:21:28,153 --> 00:21:30,689 I REALLY WISH I COULD SEE YOU RIGHT NOW. 434 00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:33,091 MAY I? 435 00:21:33,158 --> 00:21:38,330 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 436 00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:38,764 >> YEAH. 437 00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:39,197 >> Stephen: MHM. 438 00:21:39,264 --> 00:21:40,599 YEAH, OH, YEAH. 439 00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,701 YEAH, OPE-- YEAH, YOU DO SEEM SMARTER. 440 00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:45,070 THAT IS SEXY >> Stephen: PAUL WAS CLEARLY IN 441 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:48,106 GOOD PHYSICAL SHAPE, BUT DID HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE BEST IN 442 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:49,508 BREED? 443 00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:50,008 ALL RIGHT, HOP UP. 444 00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:50,676 UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. 445 00:21:50,742 --> 00:21:51,743 PACE, PACE, PACE. 446 00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:52,177 THAT'S GOOD. 447 00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:54,680 ALL RIGHT. 448 00:21:54,746 --> 00:21:55,447 SIT PROUD. 449 00:21:55,514 --> 00:21:57,082 SIT PROUD. 450 00:21:57,149 --> 00:22:00,352 CHIN UP. 451 00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:01,086 OKAY, HAUNCHES, HAUNCHES. 452 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:01,687 HAUNCHES. 453 00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:02,320 BACK, BACK. 454 00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:02,721 THAT'S GOOD. 455 00:22:02,788 --> 00:22:03,088 THAT'S GOOD. 456 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,489 ALL RIGHT. 457 00:22:04,556 --> 00:22:06,024 LET'S CHECK THOSE TEETH AND GUMS. 458 00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:06,658 THERE YOU GO. 459 00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:07,192 OKAY, LET'S CHECK YOUR COAT. 460 00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:09,094 LET'S CHECK YOUR COAT. 461 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,696 THAT'S GOOD. 462 00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:14,332 THAT'S GOOD. 463 00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:15,100 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 464 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:18,670 AND... GOOD. 465 00:22:18,737 --> 00:22:21,073 ALL RIGHT, AND ARMS. 466 00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:24,676 AND THAT'S GOOD. 467 00:22:24,743 --> 00:22:28,814 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 468 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:29,948 OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. 469 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:30,682 THAT'S GOOD. 470 00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,851 AND LEGS, AND LEGS. 471 00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:33,218 AND HOLD IT. 472 00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:36,021 THAT'S GOOD. 473 00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:38,690 THAT'S GOOD. 474 00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:42,694 THAT'S GOOD. 475 00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:45,630 ALL RIGHT. 476 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,698 SHAKE IT SEXY. 477 00:22:46,765 --> 00:22:47,999 SHAKE IT SEXY. 478 00:22:48,066 --> 00:22:48,433 GOOD BOY. 479 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:49,501 GOOD BOY. 480 00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:50,268 GOOD BOY. 481 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:54,673 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOOD, ALL RIGHT. 482 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:57,075 LEAVE IT. 483 00:22:57,142 --> 00:23:02,714 LEAVE IT. 484 00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:03,081 WAIT. 485 00:23:03,148 --> 00:23:06,685 EYES. 486 00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:08,754 OKAY. 487 00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:09,254 THAT'S GOOD. 488 00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:13,325 COME ON, BACK IT UP. 489 00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:14,626 BACK IT, BACK IT, BACK IT UP. 490 00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:15,227 BACK IT UP LIKE A TONKA TRUCK. 491 00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:17,996 OKAY. 492 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:18,697 SHOW ME THE BADONKADONK. 493 00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:22,701 SHOW ME THE BADONKADONK. 494 00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:23,401 GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. 495 00:23:23,468 --> 00:23:23,802 GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. 496 00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:25,904 FOLLOW ME. 497 00:23:25,971 --> 00:23:26,671 FOLLOW ME. 498 00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:30,142 BACK IT UP. 499 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:30,675 WHO'S A SEXY BOY? 500 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,611 >> ME! 501 00:23:32,677 --> 00:23:36,414 PAUL WAS A SEXY BOY. 502 00:23:36,481 --> 00:23:38,683 BUT IT WAS TIME TO SEE IF HIS SEXINESS COULD SHOW UP ON CAMERA 503 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:39,885 WITH A SEDUCTIVE PHOTOSHOOT. 504 00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:47,359 TRY TO IMAGINE DRILLING AND SCREWING AS A METAPHOR FOR SEX. 505 00:23:47,425 --> 00:23:48,527 THAT'S IT. 506 00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:48,994 TURN ON. 507 00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:50,162 TURN IT ON. 508 00:23:50,228 --> 00:23:52,964 IF YOU CAN'T TURN THE SANDER ON, YOU CAN'T TURN PEOPLE ON. 509 00:23:53,031 --> 00:23:54,099 DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE METAPHOR? 510 00:23:54,166 --> 00:24:00,605 >> YEAH, I DO. 511 00:24:00,672 --> 00:24:02,707 >> Stephen: CAN YOU HIT THAT NOTE? 512 00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:03,175 AH, I'M UP HERE! 513 00:24:03,241 --> 00:24:05,310 HARMONIZE WITH IT! 514 00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:06,678 >> AH! 515 00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:09,080 >> Stephen: AH! 516 00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:10,682 THAT'S IT, YES! 517 00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:17,923 YES. 518 00:24:17,989 --> 00:24:20,458 >> Stephen: ANYONE CAN MAKE CONSTRUCTION WORKER LOOK SEXY. 519 00:24:20,525 --> 00:24:25,764 SO I GAVE PAUL A REAL CHALLENGE. 520 00:24:25,831 --> 00:24:26,665 YOU'RE A MONK. 521 00:24:26,731 --> 00:24:27,732 SAY SOMETHING SEXY. 522 00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:30,669 NO, YOU HAVE A VOW OF SILENCE, DON'T MAKE ANY NOISE. 523 00:24:30,735 --> 00:24:33,104 DANCE FOR THE LORD. 524 00:24:33,171 --> 00:24:38,009 ♪ ♪ ♪ STROKE THE ROPE. 525 00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:38,677 THAT'S IT. 526 00:24:38,743 --> 00:24:43,148 THAT'S IT. 527 00:24:43,215 --> 00:24:44,616 FIGHT-- FIGHT THE ROPE. 528 00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:46,685 FIGHT THE ROPE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. 529 00:24:46,751 --> 00:24:47,853 MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE ROPE. 530 00:24:47,919 --> 00:24:49,754 APOLOGIZE. 531 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:50,388 KISS THE ROPE. 532 00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:51,122 KISS IT. 533 00:24:51,189 --> 00:24:57,929 ♪ ♪ ♪ AND KNEEL, AND KNEEL. 534 00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:58,697 CRY, BUT NOT WITH YOUR EYES. 535 00:24:58,763 --> 00:25:01,533 EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT YOUR EYES. 536 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,269 YOUR EYES ARE STILL HAPPY. 537 00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:06,671 EVERYTHING ELSE IS SAD. 538 00:25:06,738 --> 00:25:09,074 YOUR BODY'S SAD, FACE IS HAPPY. 539 00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:10,675 ONE HALF OF YOUR MOUTH IS SAD. 540 00:25:10,742 --> 00:25:14,546 TOP'S SAD, BOTTOM'S HAPPY. 541 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:17,649 FINALLY, PAUL HAD TO LAND THE SEXIEST LOOK OF ALL-- THE 542 00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:18,750 SLOW-MOTION WATER SHOT. 543 00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:19,718 OVER THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD, LET IT POUR DOWN YOUR FACE. 544 00:25:19,784 --> 00:25:25,323 AND THEN JUST WHISPER, "HELP ME I'M DROWNING." 545 00:25:25,390 --> 00:25:25,790 >> HELP ME-- HELP ME. 546 00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:26,191 I'M DROWNING. 547 00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:26,992 IT'S COLD. 548 00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:27,392 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DROWNING IN? 549 00:25:27,459 --> 00:25:29,594 >> COLD WATER. 550 00:25:29,661 --> 00:25:30,128 >> Stephen: NO, SEXINESS. 551 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:32,697 >> SEXY WATER. 552 00:25:32,764 --> 00:25:34,366 >> Stephen: LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "HELP ME. 553 00:25:34,432 --> 00:25:34,900 I'M DROWNING IN SEXINESS." 554 00:25:34,966 --> 00:25:37,502 >> HELP ME. 555 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:38,670 I'M DROWNING IN S-SEX-SEXINESS. 556 00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:39,137 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT. 557 00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:39,905 >> SEXINESS. 558 00:25:39,971 --> 00:25:40,505 >> Stephen: LOOK AT ME. 559 00:25:40,572 --> 00:25:41,206 RIGHT OVER HERE. 560 00:25:41,273 --> 00:25:42,674 OKAY. 561 00:25:42,741 --> 00:25:45,110 >> HELP ME. 562 00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:46,678 I'M DROWNING IN SEXINESS. 563 00:25:46,745 --> 00:25:50,682 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: LOOK UP. 564 00:25:50,749 --> 00:25:51,149 OKAY. 565 00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:51,616 YOU GOTTA WANT IT. 566 00:25:51,683 --> 00:25:52,083 DON'T YOU WANT IT? 567 00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:52,717 >> I WANT IT. 568 00:25:52,784 --> 00:25:53,551 DO YOU WANT IT? 569 00:25:53,618 --> 00:25:54,719 >> I WANT IT. 570 00:25:54,786 --> 00:26:02,260 >> Stephen: PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE WATER AND STOP BREATHING. 571 00:26:02,327 --> 00:26:04,062 >> Stephen: AND WITH THAT, THE TEST WAS COMPLETE, AND THE 572 00:26:04,129 --> 00:26:08,033 SCIENCE WAS IN. 573 00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:09,134 PAUL, SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING. 574 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,835 UH, I JUST GOT THE RESULTS BACK FROM THE LAB AND UM... 575 00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:14,673 LOOK, THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS. 576 00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:15,707 YOU TESTED NEGATIVE FOR SEXY. 577 00:26:15,774 --> 00:26:20,378 I'M SORRY. 578 00:26:20,445 --> 00:26:22,514 >> I'M NOT SURPRISED. 579 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:26,351 IT'S OKAY. 580 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:26,718 I GET IT. 581 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:27,886 MAKES SENSE. 582 00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:28,586 UM, I APPRECIATE YOU FOR JUST GIVING ME A SHOT, HONESTLY. 583 00:26:28,653 --> 00:26:29,988 AND, UH, THANK YOU. 584 00:26:30,055 --> 00:26:31,222 THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. 585 00:26:31,289 --> 00:26:33,124 I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHO YOU PICK, BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S JUST 586 00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:37,429 GOING TO BE GREAT. 587 00:26:37,495 --> 00:26:38,663 >> Stephen: THANKS, PAUL. 588 00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:40,298 >> THANK YOU. 589 00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:42,667 WHY ARE YOU SLOW CLAPPING? 590 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:45,136 WHY ARE YOU ALL SLOW CLAPPING? 591 00:26:45,203 --> 00:26:46,671 WHY ARE YOU SPEEDING UP? 592 00:26:46,738 --> 00:26:50,508 >> Stephen: DON'T YOU SEE, PAUL? 593 00:26:50,575 --> 00:26:53,078 THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN HUMILITY! 594 00:26:53,144 --> 00:26:53,645 THAT WAS THE LAST TEST! 595 00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:54,679 AND YOU PASSED, PAUL. 596 00:26:54,746 --> 00:26:58,450 YOU PASSED! 597 00:26:58,516 --> 00:26:59,017 >> WAIT, YOU MEAN THAT... 598 00:26:59,084 --> 00:27:02,721 >> Stephen: YOU'RE SEXY! 599 00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,756 >> I'M... I'M SEXY? 600 00:27:04,823 --> 00:27:06,691 >> Stephen: PAUL, YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! 601 00:27:06,758 --> 00:27:10,495 >> I'M THE SEXIET MAN ALIVE! 602 00:27:10,562 --> 00:27:12,497 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELP ME. 603 00:27:12,564 --> 00:27:13,098 HELP ME. 604 00:27:13,164 --> 00:27:13,765 GET HIM UP. 605 00:27:13,832 --> 00:27:17,869 >> I'M SEXY. 606 00:27:17,936 --> 00:27:18,470 I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE? 607 00:27:18,536 --> 00:27:19,337 I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE? 608 00:27:19,404 --> 00:27:21,139 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! 609 00:27:21,206 --> 00:27:26,678 >> I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ♪ ♪ ♪ 610 00:27:26,745 --> 00:27:36,721 ( APPLAUSE ) I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! 611 00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:49,801 ( APPLAUSE ) I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! 612 00:27:49,868 --> 00:27:53,805 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS TO PAUL RUDD ON OFFICIALLY-- AND 613 00:27:53,872 --> 00:27:55,707 THIS IS TRUE-- BEING NAMED "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "SEXIEST MAN 614 00:27:55,774 --> 00:28:00,545 ALIVE 2021"! 615 00:28:00,612 --> 00:28:02,313 AND I AM HONORED TO GIVE THE EXCLUSIVE PREMIERE OF PAUL 616 00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:05,250 RUDD'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" COVER. 617 00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:05,650 TAKE A LOOK! 618 00:28:05,717 --> 00:28:12,924 THERE YOU GO! 619 00:28:12,991 --> 00:28:17,262 FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO people.com. 620 00:28:17,328 --> 00:28:20,198 AND YOU CAN PICK UP THIS WEEK'S "EXIEST MAN ALIVE" ISSUE ON 621 00:28:20,265 --> 00:28:23,001 NEWSSTANDS THIS FRIDAY! 622 00:28:23,068 --> 00:28:25,837 OR PICK UP THIS LIMITED EDITION COVER I WILL BE SELLING IN THE 623 00:28:25,904 --> 00:28:29,240 ALLEY BEHIND THE THEATER AFTER THE SHOW. 624 00:28:29,307 --> 00:28:31,709 OUR THANKS TO PAUL RUDD. 625 00:28:31,776 --> 00:28:36,581 SEE MORE OF HIM AND HIS SEXINESS WHEN HE'S A GUEST ON "THE LATE 626 00:28:36,648 --> 00:28:37,749 SHOW" THIS COMING MONDAY! 627 00:28:37,816 --> 00:28:43,088 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SEXY RUNNER-UP QUENTIN TARANTINO! 628 00:28:43,154 --> 00:28:44,923 PAUL RUDD IS "THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"! 629 00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:46,991 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 630 00:28:57,368 --> 00:28:58,269 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 631 00:28:58,336 --> 00:29:00,638 WELCOME BACK! 632 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:06,177 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY 633 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:09,781 AWARD-WINNING FILMMAKER WHOSE MOVIES INCLUDE "PULP FICTION," 634 00:29:09,848 --> 00:29:12,817 "KILL BILL," AND "ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD." 635 00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:14,786 HE HAS NOW WRITTEN HIS FIRST NOVEL. 636 00:29:14,853 --> 00:29:19,691 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," QUENTIN TARANTINO! 637 00:29:19,757 --> 00:29:29,734 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 638 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:38,576 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 639 00:29:38,643 --> 00:29:43,214 >> THE STANDING "O" FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T LOOKING. 640 00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:46,451 >> Stephen: QUENTIN TARANTINO GETS THE STANDING "O." 641 00:29:46,518 --> 00:29:47,652 SIR, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 642 00:29:47,719 --> 00:29:51,222 A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE SINCE I LAST SAW YOU. 643 00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:53,091 YOU GOT MARRIED, YOU HAD A KID. 644 00:29:53,158 --> 00:29:55,426 YOU HAVE ALSO WRITTEN YOUR FIRST NOVEL. 645 00:29:55,493 --> 00:29:56,494 THIS IS-- >> BAM! 646 00:29:56,561 --> 00:30:01,499 >> Stephen: IT IS A NOVELIZATION OF YOUR MOVIE "ONCE 647 00:30:01,566 --> 00:30:02,734 UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD." 648 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,270 NOW, FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT A NOVELIVATION IS-- I 649 00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:07,705 READ A BUNCH OF THEM WHEN I WAS A KID. 650 00:30:07,772 --> 00:30:14,179 A BIG ALLEN KING FOSTER FAN, "STAR WARS" AND THE "ALIEN" 651 00:30:14,245 --> 00:30:14,579 SERIES. 652 00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:15,847 WHAT ARE THEY? 653 00:30:15,914 --> 00:30:17,916 AND HOW DID YOU GET INTO THEM? 654 00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:20,952 >> IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE NOVELIZATIONS WERE THE FIRST 655 00:30:21,019 --> 00:30:25,557 ADULT NOVELS THAT I BOUGHT MYSELF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY. 656 00:30:25,623 --> 00:30:26,724 >> Stephen: SURE. 657 00:30:26,791 --> 00:30:31,162 >> BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU GO INTO THE THE DRUGSTORE OR THE 658 00:30:31,229 --> 00:30:34,132 7-ELEVEN, OR WHATEVER IT WAS, AND THERE WAS THE COMIC BOOK 659 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:36,367 SPINNER RACK, AND THAT'S WHERE I ALWAYS WENT TO. 660 00:30:36,434 --> 00:30:41,973 BUT NEXT TO IT WAS THE PAPER BACK SPINNER RACK. 661 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:47,212 AND AT SOME POINT, THE PAPERBACK SPINNER RACK DREW ME AWAY FROM 662 00:30:47,278 --> 00:30:48,780 THE COMIC BOOK SPINNER RACK. 663 00:30:48,846 --> 00:30:52,817 AND THE FIRST NOVELIZATION I BOUGHT WAS A NOVELIZATION FOR 664 00:30:52,884 --> 00:30:55,687 THE BURT REYNOLDS MOVIE "W.W. 665 00:30:55,753 --> 00:30:58,489 AND THE DIXIE DANCE KINGS." 666 00:30:58,556 --> 00:30:59,657 >> Stephen: WOW. 667 00:30:59,724 --> 00:31:02,293 >> WHICH WAS WRITTEN BY ITS SCREENWRITER, THOMAS RICKMAN. 668 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:03,528 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 669 00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:08,299 >> WHO LATER WON AN OSCAR FOR WRITING THE SCREENPLAY FOR "COAL 670 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:09,200 MINER'S DAUGHTER." 671 00:31:09,267 --> 00:31:11,102 I READ THAT NOVELIZATION, AND I LOVED IT. 672 00:31:11,169 --> 00:31:13,137 I THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASTIC. 673 00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:17,108 AND THAT GOT-- SET ME ON A WHOLE THING OF READING NOVELIZATIONS. 674 00:31:17,175 --> 00:31:24,148 NOW, IT WAS INTERESTING, THOUGH, I DIDN'T SEE "W.W. AND THE DIXIE 675 00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:26,384 DANCE KINGS" WHEN IT CAME OUT. 676 00:31:26,451 --> 00:31:28,920 TWO YEARS LATER-- MOVIES HUNG AROUND AT LEAST AS THE LOWER 677 00:31:28,987 --> 00:31:32,457 HALF OF DOUBLE FEATURES FOR A LONG TIME BACK THEN. 678 00:31:32,523 --> 00:31:35,426 I LOVED THIS BOOK AND HAD READ IT THREE TIMES ALREADY. 679 00:31:35,493 --> 00:31:40,632 IT WAS PLAYING AT A THEATER IN THE LOWER HALF OF A DOUBLE 680 00:31:40,698 --> 00:31:42,100 FEATURE SO I WENT AND SAW IT. 681 00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:45,737 AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH AS I LIKED THE 682 00:31:45,803 --> 00:31:46,871 NOVELIZATION. 683 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:51,943 THEN WHEN THOMAS RICKMAN WON THE OSCAR FOR "COAL MINER'S 684 00:31:52,010 --> 00:31:54,279 DAUGHTER," THEY DID AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM AND ASKED HIM HOW HE 685 00:31:54,345 --> 00:31:55,480 GOT STARTED. 686 00:31:55,546 --> 00:31:59,217 HE SAID, "THE FIRST SCRIPT I WROTE THAT GOT MADE WAS A MOVIE 687 00:31:59,284 --> 00:32:03,855 CALLED "W.W. AND THE DIXIE DANCE KINGS," BUT I THOUGHT THEY 688 00:32:03,921 --> 00:32:05,923 REALLY MESSED IT UP. 689 00:32:05,990 --> 00:32:08,359 BUT THEN THEY ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO WRITE THE 690 00:32:08,426 --> 00:32:09,460 NOVELIZATION, AND I SAID YES. 691 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,930 AND I SAID YES BECAUSE I THOUGHT, WELL AT LEAST ONE 692 00:32:12,997 --> 00:32:16,000 PERSON WILL KNOW WHAT I INTENDED. 693 00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:17,902 I'M THAT ONE PERSON! 694 00:32:17,969 --> 00:32:20,371 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY. 695 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,607 THAT'S A GREAT STORY. 696 00:32:22,674 --> 00:32:25,943 BUT IT RAISES-- WELL, THAT RAISES A VERY INTERESTING 697 00:32:26,010 --> 00:32:31,249 QUANDARY HERE IS THAT YOU WROTE "ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD," 698 00:32:31,316 --> 00:32:35,219 AND YOU DIRECTED "ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD," AND YOU 699 00:32:35,286 --> 00:32:38,222 STILL FEEL THAT QUENTIN TARANTINO DIDN'T GET IT WRITE, 700 00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:41,893 SO YOU DECIDED TO NOVELIZE? 701 00:32:41,959 --> 00:32:46,097 THEN WHY WRITE IT. 702 00:32:46,164 --> 00:32:49,701 >> WHY I WROTE THIS, SOME TIME IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF OR 703 00:32:49,767 --> 00:32:54,105 SO-- I I GUESS TWO YEARS-- I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THOSE 704 00:32:54,172 --> 00:32:55,640 NOVELIZATIONS THAT I GREW UP READING. 705 00:32:55,707 --> 00:32:56,874 I STILL HAD THEM ALL. 706 00:32:56,941 --> 00:33:00,978 SO I GOT THEM ALL TOGETHER, AND WE HAD A LITTLE TEA PARTY-- WE 707 00:33:01,045 --> 00:33:04,949 GOT THEM ALL TOGETHER, AND THEN I STARTED READING SOME OF THE 708 00:33:05,016 --> 00:33:09,287 ONES I LIKED BEFORE, AND I LIKED THEM JUST AS MUCH AS DITHEN, AND 709 00:33:09,354 --> 00:33:12,757 I STARTED READING SOME OF THE ONES I BOUGHT THAT I NEVER GOT 710 00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:13,991 READING. 711 00:33:14,058 --> 00:33:19,130 AND I THOUGHT I KNOW THIS IS A DEBASED GENRE OF LITERATURE BUT 712 00:33:19,197 --> 00:33:22,767 I'M ALL ABOUT DEBASED GENRES OF ART THAT PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT. 713 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:26,904 AND I WAS LIKE THESE ARE FUN, THESE ARE REALLY, REALLY FUN. 714 00:33:26,971 --> 00:33:29,107 I SHOULD DO ONE OF THESE. 715 00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:34,145 MY INITIAL THOUGHT WAS TO DO A NOVELIZATION OF "RESERVOIR 716 00:33:34,212 --> 00:33:34,912 DOGS." 717 00:33:34,979 --> 00:33:36,013 >> Stephen: AND JUST WORK THROUGH. 718 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,516 >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT LET ME START WITH ONE. 719 00:33:38,583 --> 00:33:41,586 I THOUGHT "RESERVOIR DOGS." 720 00:33:41,652 --> 00:33:43,388 AND I WROTE TWO CHAPTERS. 721 00:33:43,454 --> 00:33:48,593 AND PART OF THE REASON I THOUGHT THE "RESERVOIR DOGS" WOULD BE 722 00:33:48,659 --> 00:33:52,163 GOOD, THERE'S A CRIME AND MYSTERY SECTION IN EVERY BOOK 723 00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:53,097 STORE. 724 00:33:53,164 --> 00:33:54,365 THEN I WAS WRITING AND THOUGHT WAIT A MINUTE. 725 00:33:54,432 --> 00:33:55,700 WHAT AM I DOING? 726 00:33:55,767 --> 00:33:57,869 MY LAST MOVIE WAS "ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD." 727 00:33:57,935 --> 00:34:00,138 PEOPLE SEEMED TO LIKE IT. 728 00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:01,305 IT WAS A SUCCESS. 729 00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:03,441 PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THOSE CHARACTERS. 730 00:34:03,508 --> 00:34:07,678 AND I HAVE A TON OF MATERIAL THAT I COULD NEVER PUT IN THE 731 00:34:07,745 --> 00:34:08,546 MOVIE. 732 00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:09,981 SO WHY -- >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU HAVE A 733 00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:11,949 TON OF MATERIAL THAT CAN NEVER FIT IN THE MOVIE? 734 00:34:12,016 --> 00:34:16,120 >> BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS ONLY SO MUCH-- IT CAN ONLY BE SO LONG. 735 00:34:16,187 --> 00:34:20,458 I HAD A TON OF STUFF, BUT WHEN YOU PUT IT INTO A MOVIE, IT'S 736 00:34:20,525 --> 00:34:22,593 GOT TO -- >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 737 00:34:22,660 --> 00:34:23,728 QUICK BREAK. 738 00:34:23,795 --> 00:34:25,129 DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE QUENTIN 739 00:34:25,196 --> 00:34:25,997 TARANTINO, EVERYBODY. 740 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:36,941 WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW NOVEL "ONCE UPON A TIME 741 00:34:37,008 --> 00:34:39,444 IN HOLLYWOOD," MR. QUENTIN TARANTINO. 742 00:34:39,510 --> 00:34:42,346 I WANT TO ASK YOU, AS LONG AS I HAVE A MOVIE MASTER AROUND HERE 743 00:34:42,413 --> 00:34:46,617 AND A GUY WHO KNOWS A LOT ABOUT MOVIES AND WE MIGHT ENJOY A FEW 744 00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:47,418 MOVIES IN COMMON. 745 00:34:47,485 --> 00:34:48,953 DO YOU HAVE ANY FAVORITE ADAPTATIONS. 746 00:34:49,020 --> 00:34:49,520 I DO. 747 00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:50,788 AND I WANTED TO ASK YOU. 748 00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:57,361 I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE ORIGINAL SHORT STORY OR NOVELLA OF "THE 749 00:34:57,428 --> 00:34:57,862 THING." 750 00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:00,064 >> "WHO GOES THERE." 751 00:35:00,131 --> 00:35:01,332 >> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY THE THING? 752 00:35:01,399 --> 00:35:03,234 >> I LOVE BOTH OF THEM. 753 00:35:03,301 --> 00:35:07,171 I LOVE HOWARD HAWK'S IS THE THING, AND JOHN CARPENTER'S THE 754 00:35:07,238 --> 00:35:08,306 THING. 755 00:35:08,372 --> 00:35:12,643 >> Stephen: I LOVE JOHN CARPENTER'S "THE THING" BECAUSE 756 00:35:12,710 --> 00:35:14,145 IT EXPLORES THE BEAST. 757 00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:18,049 AND IN AN ANALOG, WAY, TOO. 758 00:35:18,115 --> 00:35:20,918 >> THE EFFECTS IN THAT MOVIE ARE SOME OF THE GREATEST PRACTICAL 759 00:35:20,985 --> 00:35:24,989 SPECIAL EFFECTS EVER PUT ON A MOVIE THEATER SCREEN. 760 00:35:25,056 --> 00:35:27,959 NO, IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT-- I THINK IT'S ONE OF THE GREATEST 761 00:35:28,025 --> 00:35:31,229 HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE, IF NOT ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES EVER 762 00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:31,929 MADE. 763 00:35:31,996 --> 00:35:33,364 >> Stephen: I COMPLETELY AGREE. 764 00:35:33,431 --> 00:35:34,699 IT IS MY HAPPY PLACE. 765 00:35:34,765 --> 00:35:38,135 IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG IN MY LIFE, I GO W5U67 IT. 766 00:35:38,202 --> 00:35:41,839 IF MY KIDS SEE MY WATCHING "THE THING," THEY ASK IF EVERYTHING 767 00:35:41,906 --> 00:35:43,040 IS OKAY. 768 00:35:43,107 --> 00:35:47,144 IT'S A WEIRD HAPPY PLACE, BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL ADAPTATION OF 769 00:35:47,211 --> 00:35:48,346 THE FEELING OF THE NOVELLA. 770 00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:53,317 >> ACTUALLY, ONE OF THE REASONS "THE THING" HOLDS A SPECIAL 771 00:35:53,384 --> 00:35:56,153 PLACE IN MY HEART, IS I LOVE HORROR MOVIES. 772 00:35:56,220 --> 00:35:57,455 I'M A BIG HORROR FAN. 773 00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:02,994 I DON'T GET SCARED AT HORROR MOVIES. 774 00:36:03,060 --> 00:36:06,130 I RESPOND TO SUSPENSE, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. 775 00:36:06,197 --> 00:36:08,933 AND I CAN JUMP AT A BOO SCARE. 776 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,334 BUT THAT'S NOT TERROR. 777 00:36:10,401 --> 00:36:13,137 I DON'T GET SCARED IN MOVIES. 778 00:36:13,204 --> 00:36:15,039 "THE THING" I GOT SCARED IN. 779 00:36:15,106 --> 00:36:18,109 AND I WAS SCARED AND IT MADE ME WANT TO PUT IT UNDER A 780 00:36:18,175 --> 00:36:20,978 MICROSCOPE ABOUT WHY I WAS ACTUALLY FRIGHTENED DURING THAT 781 00:36:21,045 --> 00:36:22,146 MOVIE. 782 00:36:22,213 --> 00:36:24,448 AND I THINK THE REASON IS THIS, IS BECAUSE IF YOU KNOW THE 783 00:36:24,515 --> 00:36:28,886 MOVIE, PART OF THE SITUATION IS THESE MEN ARE TRAPPED IN THIS 784 00:36:28,953 --> 00:36:34,692 SITUATION IN THIS ARCTIC RESEARCH CENTER. 785 00:36:34,759 --> 00:36:39,430 AND SO, ONE OR MORE OF THEM ARE POSSIBLY THIS THING THAT'S GOING 786 00:36:39,497 --> 00:36:44,201 TO DEVOUR ALL OF THEM, AND NO ONE KNOWS IF YOU ARE THE GUY 787 00:36:44,268 --> 00:36:46,304 I'VE KNOWN FOREVER OR YOU ARE THE THING. 788 00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:47,538 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 789 00:36:47,605 --> 00:36:50,975 >> THE MOVIE MAKES THE PARANOIA OF THAT SO PALPABLE, SO REAL, 790 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,211 IT'S LIKE-- IT'S ALMOST LIKE ANOTHER CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE, 791 00:36:54,278 --> 00:36:55,613 JUST THE SHEER PARANOIA OF IT. 792 00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:56,881 >> Stephen: YES, EXACTLY. 793 00:36:56,948 --> 00:37:03,521 >> BUT THEY'RE TRAPPED IN THANT ARCTIC. 794 00:37:03,588 --> 00:37:06,057 THEY'RE SHAPPED IN THIS SHELTER. 795 00:37:06,123 --> 00:37:11,896 SO THE PARANOIA IS BOUNCING OFF OF THE FOUR WALLS, BOUNCING, 796 00:37:11,963 --> 00:37:14,966 BOUNCING, BOUNCING, THE FEAR OF THE PARANOIA. 797 00:37:15,032 --> 00:37:20,738 BOUNCING, BOUNCING, BOWNGS OF BOUNCING, UNTIL IT HAS NOWHERE 798 00:37:20,805 --> 00:37:23,374 TO GO EXCEPT THE FOURTH WALL OF THE AUDIENCE AND I STARTED 799 00:37:23,441 --> 00:37:24,542 FEELING EXACTLY HOW THEY FELT. 800 00:37:24,609 --> 00:37:28,913 >> Stephen: WHICH I THINK IS AN ENORMOUS INDICATOR OF GREAT 801 00:37:28,980 --> 00:37:30,014 ART. 802 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:34,418 IT CHANGES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK AT THE ART. 803 00:37:34,485 --> 00:37:35,586 >> ABSOLUTELY. 804 00:37:35,653 --> 00:37:38,255 BY ME PUTTING THAT UNDER A MICROSCOPE AND REALIZING, OKAY, 805 00:37:38,322 --> 00:37:42,193 I'M AFFECTED BY "THE THING," FOR THAT REASON, AND I FIGURE OUT 806 00:37:42,259 --> 00:37:43,260 WHY IT IS. 807 00:37:43,327 --> 00:37:47,465 WHEN I STARTED WRITING "RESERVOIR DOGS" I WAS LIKE I 808 00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:51,535 NEED TO HAVE THAT ASPECT THAT'S IN "THE THING." 809 00:37:51,602 --> 00:37:53,871 I NEED TO TRAP THESE BASTARDS. 810 00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:56,974 I NEED TO TRAP THEM IN THIS WAREHOUSE, AND NO ONE CAN TRUST 811 00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:58,009 ANYBODY ELSE. 812 00:37:58,075 --> 00:38:01,112 AND I WANT THE PARANOIA OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT 813 00:38:01,178 --> 00:38:04,281 WAREHOUSE TO BOUNCE ACROSS THE WALLS AND HOPEFULLY, LIKE IN 814 00:38:04,348 --> 00:38:06,984 "THE THING," IT WILL GO OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE. 815 00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:10,154 >> Stephen: STUDIOS ARE RETHINKING WHETHER THEATRICAL 816 00:38:10,221 --> 00:38:11,389 RELEASES ARE WORTH IT. 817 00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:14,291 MAKE THE CASE RIGHT NOW FOR THE BIG SILVER, WHY THAT SHOULD BE 818 00:38:14,358 --> 00:38:15,359 THE FIRST CHOICE? 819 00:38:15,426 --> 00:38:23,300 >> WELL, I THINK THE-- I THINK THE MAIN REASON IS... 820 00:38:23,367 --> 00:38:24,201 TV'S FUN. 821 00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:26,303 IT'S GOOD. 822 00:38:26,370 --> 00:38:30,207 I'VE CARRIED MEMORIES THAT I'VE SEEN ON TELEVISION FOR MOIST OF 823 00:38:30,274 --> 00:38:31,375 MY LIFE. 824 00:38:31,442 --> 00:38:35,179 BUT WHEN IT COMES TO WATCHING A MOVIE-- AND I'VE SEEN MANY 825 00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:37,448 MOVIES THAT HAVE BECOME SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES AND THE ONLY 826 00:38:37,515 --> 00:38:40,651 WAY I HAVE EVER SEEN THEM IS ON TELEVISION. 827 00:38:40,718 --> 00:38:43,688 A LOT OF THE CLASSIC MOVIES I SAW ON LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION. 828 00:38:43,754 --> 00:38:46,390 >> Stephen: "THE THING." 829 00:38:46,457 --> 00:38:49,593 >> WELL, THE ORIGINAL "THE THING." 830 00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,228 BUT THE THING IS... 831 00:38:51,295 --> 00:38:56,434 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S ALSO A DISPOSABLE 832 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:57,401 EXPERIENCE. 833 00:38:57,468 --> 00:38:59,203 THERE IS AN ASPECT ABOUT IT BEING DISPOSABLE. 834 00:38:59,270 --> 00:39:01,872 WHEN YOU-- WHEN A MOVIE COMES UP ON THE THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN 835 00:39:01,939 --> 00:39:10,648 ENOUGH TO SEE, AND IT MAKES YOU LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND BUY A 836 00:39:10,715 --> 00:39:13,884 TICKET AND YOU COULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD YOU WANT THAT 837 00:39:13,951 --> 00:39:17,621 NIGHT, BUT I DECIDE TO GO SEE A FILM, ONE FILM IN PARTICULAR. 838 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:18,923 YOU GO TO SEE IT. 839 00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:22,793 MAYBE YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, MAYBE IT'S IN THE AFTERNOON, OR MAYBE 840 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:25,730 IT'S WITH YOUR DATE OR WIFE OR WHATEVER, AND YOU GO TO SEE IT 841 00:39:25,796 --> 00:39:29,266 AND YOU BUY A TICKET AND SIT DOWN AND HAVE AN EXPERIENCE. 842 00:39:29,333 --> 00:39:32,970 AND YOU HAVEAB EXPERIENCE WITH A BURN OF STRANGERS. 843 00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:35,673 AND AT THAT MOMENT, ONCE THE MOVIE GETS GOING, ONCE THE 844 00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:37,708 LIGHTS ARE DOWN, YOU BECOME A COLLECTIVE. 845 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:40,678 THIS AUDIENCE HERE IS A COLLECTIVE. 846 00:39:40,745 --> 00:39:44,148 THERE'S YOU BY YOURSELF, YOU-- I'M TALKING TO YOU. 847 00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:49,587 THERE'S YOU BY YOURSELF, BUT THEN THERE'S ALL OF YOU TOGET 848 00:39:49,653 --> 00:39:50,588 TOGETHER. 849 00:39:50,654 --> 00:39:52,423 AND YOU START APPRECIATING THE MOVIE IN THAT WAY. 850 00:39:52,490 --> 00:39:55,659 AND WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE-- IT'S NOT ALWAYS A 851 00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:58,395 GOOD EXPERIENCE-- BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE, THOSE 852 00:39:58,462 --> 00:40:02,500 ARE THE THINGS THAT STAY IN YOUR MIND AND THAT YOU REMEMBER FOR 853 00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,702 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 854 00:40:04,769 --> 00:40:11,175 AND THEY BECOME INDELIBLE-- INDELIBLE SNAPSHOTS. 855 00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:12,843 >> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL GO TO THE MOVIES. 856 00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:17,882 ( APPLAUSE ) "ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD" 857 00:40:17,948 --> 00:40:19,250 IN ON SALE NOW. 858 00:40:19,316 --> 00:40:21,051 QUENTIN TARANTINO, EVERYBODY! 859 00:40:21,118 --> 00:40:21,919 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 860 00:40:28,826 --> 00:40:30,227 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW." 861 00:40:30,294 --> 00:40:34,331 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE AUBREY PLAZA, AND I GIVE 862 00:40:34,398 --> 00:40:36,967 THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE TO BRUC E SPRINGSTEEN. 863 00:40:37,034 --> 00:40:39,036 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOODNIGHT!