>> ACCORDING TO NASA, ISSUES WITH THE TOILET ON SPACE-X'S
DRAGON CAPSULE WILL FORCE ASTRONAUTS TO USE BACKUP
UNDERGARMENTS.
HOWEVER, NASA SAYS, THE SPACECRAFT SHOULD STILL BE
RELATIVELY SAFE TO FLY, IF NOT SLIGHTLY LESS COMFORTABLE THAN
BEFORE.
>> HELLO.
DO YOU HAVE BLADDER CONTROL ISSUES?
I KNOW I DO.
I'M URINATING RIGHT NOW.
THANKFULLY, YOU CAN HAVE THE SAME PROTECTION NASA ASTRONAUTS
WEAR.
INTRODUCING LAUNCH PADS: NASA-APPROVED ADULT DIAPERS.
WHETHER SPLASHING DOWN OR BLASTING OFF, WE'VE GOT YOU
COVERED.
AS YOU BEGIN TO RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR PANTS, HIGH-TECH SENSORS
IN THE LINING OF THE DIAPERS ALERT MISSION CONTROL, WHO THEN
QUICKLY GO TO WORK SEALING ANY UNDERWEAR LEAKS AND KEEPING YOU
FRESH.
>> HE'S DRY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> SO PICK UP LAUNCH PADS TODAY,
BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMETHING MIGHT POP OUT OF YOU
UNEXPECTEDLY AND MAKE A MESS.
>> HE SHOULD HAVE WORN LAUNCH PADS.
>> LAUNCH PADS ADULT DIAPERS-- ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE
GIANT LOAD FOR PANTS-KIND.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: FALLBACK PLAN.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TONY HALE
AND MUSICAL GUEST SNAIL MAIL FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
OH, I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE YOU!
DELIGHTFUL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ HELLO, MY FRIENDS.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
RELAX YOURSELF.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND THAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT-- THAT ENERGY-- THAT ENERGY RIGHT THERE, THAT FRIDAY ENERGY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH!
THAT'S THE SORT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S DEFIB
PADDLES TO MY HEART YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
I AM READY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON!
>> Stephen: I AM READY TO CHOP UP AND SHOOT A RAIL OF PURE
UNCUT T.G.I.F!
IT'S NO WONDER THESE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED, BECAUSE SATURDAY
NIGHT AT 2:00 A.M., WE ALL "FALL BACK," AND GET ONE MORE HOUR OF
SLEEP, BABY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE UP FOR THE LAST 18 SLEEPLESS MONTHS.
TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME, THAT WEIRD
TRADITION WHERE WE, AS A COUNTRY, DECIDE TO TIME-TRAVEL
AN HOUR FORWARD EVERY SPRING AND THEN TIME-TRAVEL BACK AN HOUR IN
THE FALL.
WE'RE LIKE MARTY McFLY, WHERE THE STAKES ARE "ACCIDENTALLY
BEING LATE TO YOUR DENTIST APPOINTMENT."
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, MAN.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: GREAT SCOTT!
>> Stephen: I THE HOPE YOU WON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, JON.
I LOVE THAT EXTRA HOUR OF Zs, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT SEEMS
LIKE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES.
BUT I'M NO EXPERT.
WHEN YOU ASK EXPERTS, THEY SAY, THAT DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT
HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING DAYLIGHT SAVING
IS GOOD FOR IS MAKING SPOUSES FIGHT ONCE A YEAR ABOUT HOW TO
CHANGE THE CLOCK ON THE MICROWAVE:
"THERE'S NO CLOCK BUTTON!
I'M JUST GOING TO PRESS POTATO UNTIL WE SPRING AHEAD AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE IS AN EFFORT TO TRY
TO CHANGE THE WHOLE THING.
IN FACT, THERE'S BEEN A BILL INTRODUCED IN THE SENATE TO MAKE
DAYLIGHT SAVING PERMANENT, CALLED "THE SUNSHINE PROTECTION
ACT," WHICH, IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY GRATEFUL
DEAD COVER BAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE GOT ♪ SUGAR MAGNOLIA ♪
WE GOT A RAY OF METAPHORICAL SUNSHINE EARLIER THIS WEEK WHEN
EXPERTS SAID THAT THE PANDEMIC APPEARS TO BE WINDING DOWN IN
THE UNITED STATES.
SHHH!
( APPLAUSE ) SNOW!
SHHH!
DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!
IT WILL HEAR US!
IT'S BAD LUCK!
QUICK!
NO, YOU I NEED TO KNOCK ON WOOD ( KNOCKING )
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY, NOW IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT
THE U.S. IS TRENDING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, BUT HERE'S THE
THING-- COVID ISN'T GOING AWAY.
IT'S JUST BECOMING ENDEMIC, SO, LESS LETHAL AND MORE PERSISTENT.
AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT, "IT DOESN'T END.
WE JUST STOP CARING.
OR WE CARE A LOT LESS."
SO, KIND OF LIKE "GREY'S ANATOMY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I STILL LOVE IT.
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
LOVE IT.
MY AUDIENCE IS ALL VACCINATED.
RIGHT, FOLKS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS.
ANYBODY HERE NERVOUS ABOUT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH
UNVAXXED FAMILY MEMBERS?
SAME HERE.
WELL, THERE ARE SOME WAYS TO STAY SAFE.
ONE PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY SUGGESTED, "START BY CALLING
YOUR UNVACCINATED FAMILY MEMBERS AND SOLICITING THEIR
IDEAS ON HOW TO GATHER SAFELY."
OKAY, BUT THEY'RE THE ONES MAKING PEOPLE UNSAFE!
YOU DON'T HEAR A POLICE OFFICER SAY, "MA'AM, DO YOU KNOW WHY I
PULLED YOU OVER?
TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO SAFELY DRIVE DRUNK,
BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY CRUSHING IT.
AND BY 'IT,' I MEAN THOSE PARKING METERS BACK THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- SPEAKING OF-- ♪ ♪ ♪
THERE YOU GO.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH,
WE GOT A WEIRD LECTURE THIS WEEK FROM MISSOURI REPUBLICAN SENATOR
AND GUY WHO'S GONNA PICK HIS NOSE THE SECOND YOU LOOK AWAY,
JOSH HAWLEY.
HAWLEY RECENTLY GAVE A SPEECH AT THE "NATIONAL CONSERVATISM"
CONFERENCE IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA.
IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM DISNEY WORLD, BUT IT'S FULL
OF GRUMPY, DOPEY, AND SNEEZY PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN TO THEIR
DOC.
( LAUGHTER ) IN HIS SPEECH, HAWLEY CLAIMED
THAT MODERN AMERICAN MENS' MASCULINITY IS BEING QUESTIONED,
AND IT'S LEADING TO SOME WEIRD RESULTS.
>> AFTER YEARS OF BEING TOLD THAT THEY ARE THE PROBLEM, THAT
THEIR MANHOOD IS THE PROBLEM, MORE AND MORE MEN ARE
WITHDRAWING INTO THE ENCLAVE OF IDLENESS, AND PORNOGRAPHY, AND
VIDEO GAMES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
FAIR ENOUGH.
COUNTERPOINT: THEY'RE WITHDRAWING INTO IDLENESS,
PORNOGRAPHY, AND VIDEO GAMES BECAUSE IT EXISTS.
I DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER ON VIDEO GAMES
AND PORNOGRAPHY, BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY.
WE JUST HAD AN ELECTRIC FOOTBALL GAME THAT BUZZED WHEN
YOU TURNED IT ON.
THAT WAS OUR VIDEO GAME.
ALSO OUR PORNOGRAPHY.
( APPLAUSE ) TO BE-- TO BE FAIR--
PORNOGRAPHY!
TO BE FAIR-- TO BE FAIR, JOSH HAWLEY IS
PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO CHANGE HIS IMAGE A LITTLE, SINCE HIS
MOST FAMOUS PHOTO IS THIS ONE OF HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE
TO THE EVENTUAL RIOTERS ON THE MORNING OF JANUARY 6.
( BOOING ) SO, THIS SPEECH IS PROBABLY AN
ATTEMPT TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP SHOWING THAT PHOTO-- WHICH,
AGAIN, SHOWS HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE TO THE FOLKS WHO
SMEARED POOP ON THE WALLS OF THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE FOLKS
JOSH HAWLEY LOVES TO SALUTE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
>> HAY.
GRAB 'EM BY THE POSSE!
>> Stephen: FIRST TO MEET LADY JUSTICE IS NEW JERSEY RESIDENT
AND MRS. MAGA CLAUS, RASHA ABUAL RAGHEB.
MS. RAGHEB PLANNED HER BIG INSURRECTION DAY WELL IN
ADVANCE, AND EVEN URGED PEOPLE TO JOIN HER AND TO "BRING YOUR
OWN GUNS," AND SAID SHE WAS BRINGING PEPPER SPRAY, A KNIFE,
AND A STUN GUN.
AND HER SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS CONFIRM SHE WAS READY TO RESORT
TO VIOLENCE IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT WASN'T DECLARED
THE WINNER, POSTING "IT'S 45 OR CIVIL WAR... 1776 IS COMING."
OKAY, THE CIVIL WAR WAS NOT IN 1776.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO COMIC-CON AND SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, "STAR
WARS" FANS, HERE HE IS, CAPTAIN JAMES T. SHREK!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HER LAWYER HAS PUSHED AGAINST JAIL TIME FOR HER CLIENT, SAYING
RAGHEB WAS "NOT PREPARED FOR A CIVIL WAR, NOR INTENDED TO BE A
PART OF ONE."
WHICH WOULD BE A LOT EASIER TO BELIEVE IF RAGHEB HADN'T
ACTUALLY POSTED, "CIVIL WAR IS COMING, AND I AM HAPPY TO BE A
PART OF IT."
KIND OF UNDERCUTS THE DEFENSE.
IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT YOUR CLIENT IS
INNOCENT WHILE THEY SIT THERE WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS
"I LOVE KILLING."
( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP ON THE DOCKET, A FLORIDA
FIREFIGHTER NAMED ANDREW WILLIAMS HAS PLEADED GUILTY TO
THE CHARGE OF PARADING, DEMONSTRATING, OR PICKETING IN A
CAPITOL BUILDING.
MAY BE HARD TO GAIN RESPECT ON THE PRISON YARD WHEN ONE OF YOUR
CHARGES IS "PARADING": "NOBODY TOUCH MY STUFF, OR I
WILL HIGH STEP OVER TO YOU WITH GREAT POMP!
I'VE WHITTLED A BATON OUT OF A CAFETERIA FORK.
DON'T MAKE ME USE IT!
I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCH!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS TONY HALE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR
REAL KIDS.
ENJOY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
JON, HAPPY FRIDAY, MY FRIEND.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY, YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: JON, TONY HAIL IS HERE TONIGHT, OUR DEAR FRIEND
TONI AHLE.
IT'S THE WEEKEND, AND THIS IS A GOOD ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO TELL
YOU PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, OH, YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF LIKE A NEWS
SOURCE.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE DON'T BREAK NEWS HERE.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: WE JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.
THAT'S OUR JOB.
>> Jon: THE TOP STORIES OF THE DAY.
>> Stephen: BUT THERE ARE TOMBS TIMES AND THIS IS ONE OF
THOSE TIMES-- WHERE WE WILL MAKE AND BREAK NEWS THIS WEEK.
ON TUESDAY, "THE LATE SHOW"" ON THIS SHOW RNLG WE WILL REVEAL IN
PARTNERSHIP WITH "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE-- THE OFFICIAL MAGAZINE
OF PEOPLE" WE WILL REVEAL THE 2021 SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ON THIS
SHOW."
THAT'S NEWS.
PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: THAT IS A GREAT STORY.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
SO DON'T TRY ASKING ME.
I'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU ALL DO.
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO FIND OUT.
A QUICK REMINDER: IF YOU ARE A SEXY MAN, YOU'RE GOING IT WANT
TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL TUESDAY BECAUSE IT COULD BE YOU.
I'M SO GLAD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS COMING ON CBS.
IT'S COMING HOME TO CBS.
CRONKITE USED TO ANNOUNCE THIS.
>> Jon: OH, HE DID.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jon: IT'S A TRADITION.
>> Stephen: HE ENDED WANT SHOW WITH, "THAT'S WANT WAY SEXY IS."
CHILDREN-- THEY'RE LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE, BUT SMALLER.
AND EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC HAS STARTED PARENTS HAVE BEEN
OVERWHELMED TAKING CARE OF THEIR KIDS WHILE GETTING THEM THE
EDUCATION THEY SO DESPERATELY NEEDED.
THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN DOING A SEGMENT WHERE I GIVE PARENTS A
BREAK BY ANSWERING REAL QUESTIONS FROM REAL KIDS.
IT WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS," BUT
THAT SOUNDED WEIRD.
SO I ASKED MY WRITERS TO CHANGE THE TITLE, AND NOW WE'RE READY
TO DO IT AGAIN.
PARENTS, PUT THOSE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE TV, BECAUSE IT'S TIME
FOR...
>> STEPHEN'S REEDUCATION CAMP!" >> SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE NEW
TITLE.
THAT'S JUST BAD IN A NEW WAY.
>> Stephen: HI, KIDS, I'M STEPHEN, AND I'M HERE TO ANSWER
ALL YOUR QUESTIONS.
HOW DO I KNOW THE ANSWERS TO SO MANY THINGS?
WELL, I'M LIKE AN OWL-- VERY WISE, AND I CAN ROTATE MY HEAD
360 DEGREES.
I'LL SHOW YOU LATER.
FIRST QUESTION: >> HOW HARD IS A GROWN-UPS WORK?
>> Stephen: WELL, I CAN ONLY SPEAK FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE,
CATHERINE, BUT I'D HAVE TO SAY IT'S PRETTY HARD.
YOU GET IN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND YOU TELL JOKES TO
EACH OTHER.
ALL DAY YOU JUST SIT AROUND LAUGHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
TRYING TO MAKE THOSE JOKES EVEN FUNNIER, AND THEN IN THE EVENING
YOU GO INTO A BIG ROOM WHERE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU
THAT THEY CHANT YOUR NAME UNTIL YOU INSIST THAT THEY SIT DOWN.
SO, YEAH, IT'S A BIT OF A GRIND.
WHO'S NEXT?
>> WHY ARE THEY SO REGULARLY IN THE BADGE.
>> Stephen: ELIJAH THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION: THE LONGER YOU SPEND IN THE BATH, THE OLDER YOU
GET.
EVERYONE KNOWS WE AGE FROM THE BOTTOM UP, SO YOUR FEET WRINKLE
FIRST.
IF YOU SEE LEG WRINCHG LING, GET OUT OF THE BATH FAST BEFORE YOU
BECOME AN OLD MAN.
IF WRINCHG LING TOE SYNDROME PERSISTS, ASK YOUR PARENTS TO
SPRING FOR STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIRACLE TOES.
MAKE YOUR TOES LOOK 10 YEARS NUMBER.
IT WAS INVENT BIDE A SCIENTIST AQAPS OF MINE AND MADE BY MIXING
DIFFERENT THINGS TOGETHER.
TELL YOUR PARENTS I NEED THEIR MONEY IMMEDIATELY.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> HOW CAN I BECOME A BILLIONAIRE OR A MILLIONAIRE IN
ONE DAY?
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN EASY ONE, SETH.
JUST GET ON REDDIT AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT A COMPANY THAT
HEDGE FUND MANAGERS ARE KEEN TO SHORT.
THAT JUST MEANS THEY THINK THE COMPANY IS OVERVALUED, THEN YOU
AND ALL YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL BUDDIES ARE GOING TO BUY THAT
STOCK, FORCING THE HEDGE FUND MANAGERS TO TAKE A MASSIVE LOSS
AND DRIVING UP THE PRICE OF YOUR STOCK.
WITH YOUR NEWLY ACQUIRING WITH THE YOU CAN START YOUR OWN HEDGE
FUND THAT CONTINUES TO GROW YOUR FORTUNE, UNTIL ONE DAY A GROUP
OF PEOPLE EXPLOITS ONE OF YOUR MARTIN STRATEGIES, CAUSING YOU
TO REALIZE THE TRALDZ YOU MADE AND THE MONEY YOU COLLECTED ARE
IN FACT MEANINGLESS.
WHEN THAT DAY COMES, YOU REFLECT ON HOW NOTHING YOU BOUGHT OR
SOLD HAS BROUGHT YOU ANY CLOSER TO HAPPINESS, BUT NOW YOU'RE AN
OLD MAN, AND THIS ENLIGHTENMENT HAS COME TOO LATE.
IT'S CALLED CAPITALISM.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND HAVE SOME FUN.
NEXT QUESTION?
>> IF YOU WISH UPON A STAR, DO ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE?
>> Stephen: GREAT QUESTION, JOSEPH.
I WAS HOPING TO ANSWER IT BY USING A FAMOUS SONG ABOUT
WISHING UPON A STARK BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT SONG IS
OWNED BY A VERY LITIGIOUS COMPANY, SO FOR LEGAL REASONS
THIS WILL BE ANSWERED BY A ROYALTY FREE AN MAINTAINED
INSECT NAMED CHIMENY GRASSHOPPER ♪ DO YOU HAVE A REQUEST YOU
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE... A SPEAR OF HYDROGEN IN A GASEOUS SPACE
♪ MAKE A LUCKY WISH ON A THING CALLED A STAR ♪
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP THE MUSIC.
THAT'S MY LAWYER, BRENT.
WHAT'S GOING ON, BRENT?
A LAWSUITS?
IT'S A DIFFERENT SONG!
WHAT DO THEY OWN THE IDEA OF WISHING ON STARS?
THAT ( BLEEP ) ( BLEEP ).
KIDS, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WISH ON A STAR.
YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
BUT ONLY IF YOU DREAM OF GETTING SUED.
UNBELIEVABLE.
ANYBODY GOT A CIGARETTE.
>> Stephen: WELL, KID, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS.
PARENTS IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS POST TO SOCIAL MEDIA
WITH HASH TAG COLBERT KID QUESTIONS, AND WE MIGHT JUST
FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT STALLMENT
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, THE BIGGEST STORY
CONTINUES TO BE COVID-19.
IT SEEMS LIKE EACH WEEK THERE IS A STORY ABOUT ANOTHER VARIANT
THAT KEEPS THE VIRUS IN THE HEADLINES.
SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW SUCH AN EVERYDAY FACT OF OUR LIVES STILL
HAS THE POWER TO DOMINATE THE NEWS CYCLE.
BUT RECENTLY, I SAW A DOCUMENTARY THAT GAVE A LITTLE
GLIMPSE BEHIND THE SCENES.
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY: WE HAVE A CLIP.
>> YOUR 2021 WAS A ROUGH YEAR, FOR SHOW BUSINESS, RIGHT?
EVERYTHING WAS SHUT DOWN.
ALL YEAR.
MY CLIENT WERE LIKE, "I CAN'T WORK!
I'M SCARED OF COVID.
I CAN'T WORK, I HAVE COVID."
WHATEVER.
I STARTED TO THINK TO MYSELF THIS COVID THING IS GOING TO BE
HUGE.
I HAD TO GO OF TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I GOT ON THE PHONE, MADE THIS CALLS, I'M JOSH TRENESSOP AND
THE TALENT AGENT THAT REPRESENTS THE CORONAVIRUS.
RIGHT AWAY, WE GOT IT IN ROOMS WITH TOM HANKS, RITA WILSON,
IDRIS ELBA, LENAN DUNHAM THE ROCK.
THIS WAS THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DISEASE IN HOLLYWOOD SINCE
HARVEY WEINSTEIN-- WHO BY THE WAY WE MET WITH.
WE EVEN GOT AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
THIS THING WAS GOING VIRAL.
VIRAL?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> SEE WHAT I DID?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YEAH.
>> OF COURSE IN SHOW BIZ, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE YOUNGER
AND HOTTER.
COVID-19 ( LAUGHS )
THAT'S YOUR GRANDFATHER'S VIRUS.
I MEAN, I HOPE NOT LITERALLY, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT HAPPENS.
MY NAME IS TRENT JOHNSON AND THE AGENT REPRESENTING THE DELTA
VARIANT, HEARD OF IT?
I THOUGHT YOU HAD.
LOOK, I RESPECT COVID-19, TOTAL TRAILER BLAZER.
BUT COVID WAS DOING WEDDINGS.
DELTA IS DOING STADIUMS.
WE SIGNED AN OVERALL DEAL WITH FLORIDA, THE STATE, WE'RE EVEN
BREAKING INTO THE TEEN MARKET.
WE DO TEENS, WE DO OLD, WE DO MINI-TEENS-- WHAT DO THEY CALL
THEM?
DANA, WHAT DO YOU CALL THE SMALL ONES?
>> IT'S TRUE, THE NEW KID HAS MADE THINGS TOUGHER.
CRUISE LINES, WHAT'SUM.
LISTEN, MY CLIENT WANTS TO GET BACK TO THEIR ROOTS.
LISTEN TO ME.
THEY WERE NOT GOING TO GET THERE.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO AREICH AT THEIR DESTINATION
( LAUGHING ) ( SLURPING )
>> LET'S FACE IT, REGULAR COVID IS OVER.
IT'S JOHNNY DEPP.
IT'S WEIRD, OLD, CREEPY.
DELTA IS TIHOTHEE.
SHALL MAY.
>> YOU SAID CHALMET?
REALLY.
>> I WORK WITH EMERGING ARTISTS AND I REPRESENT THE LAMB
DAVARIANT, AND THE EXCITING UP-AND-COMING CALLED COVID 23.
GOING TO BE HUGE.
>> IN THIS INDUSTRY YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE TOOK CHANGING,
ADAPTING.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS HAVE MY EYE ON THE NEXT BIG THING-- CLIMATE
CHANGE!
YEAH, YEAH, BIG FAN!
HUGE CONTRIBUTORS.
BEEN WANTING TO CHAT.
HOW ABOUT HOT CHRISTMAS?
IT SOUNDS SEXY, BUT IT'S JUST UNCOMFORTABLE.
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LOVE AGENTS.
♪ ♪ ♪ WHAT CAN YOU DO?
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY SNAIL
TONY HALE.
>> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME BACK.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A TWO-TIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" AND "VEEP."
HIS NEW MOVIE IS "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TONY HALE!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, TONE HEY.
>> HI.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> HI!
>> Stephen: LOVELY, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER ON THE TELEVISION SHOW SINCE
BEFORE COVID.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND HOW DID-- HOW DID TONY HALE RIDE THAT OUT?
DID YOU JUST-- DO YOU LIVE IN L.A.?
DO YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK?
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
>> I WAS ACTUALLY SHOOTING THE SHOW I DO, CALLED "THE
MYSTERIOUS BENEDICT SOCIETY" AND I WAS SHOOTING THAT IN VANCOUVER
DURING COVID SO THAT WAS A LITTLE CRAZY.
VERY THANKFUL FOR THE GIG, BUT IT'S VERY GOOD TO BE BACK IN NEW
YORK CITY.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: DID YOU START HERE?
>> I DID.
I-- I GOT MY START AS AN ACTOR HERE.
I WAS -- >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS
START?
>> I'M STILL GOING.
BUT IT'S-- I REMEMBER I GOT MY FIRST AGENT HERE, AND MY TYPE--
WHEN YOU'RE AN ACTOR, YOU KIND OF GET LABELED A TYPE.
AND MY TYPE WAS "NOT ALL THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, COME ON, KIND OF CARRIED
OVER TO MY CHARACTERS.
AND THEN I WAS DESCRIBED AS "DAVID SWHWIMMER, BUT NOT AS
GOOD LOOKING."
AND I THOUGHT WHAT IT SOMEBODY DOESN'T THINK DAVID SWHWIMMER
ISN'T GOOD LOOKING?
THEN I'M SKEWED.
AND THEN "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" IN 2003, AND IT'S NICE TO BE
BACK.
>> Stephen: JUST YESTERDAY, 18 YEARS AGO.
>> YEAH, 18 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH, "ARRESTED" PREMIERED.
>> Stephen: WAS THAT THE SORT OF THING AT THAT POINT-- YOU
BOOK "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT," AT THAT POINT YOU'RE LIKE, "I HAVE
TO GET SOMETHING SOONER.
I'M OUT OF THIS BUSINESS."
>> THAT'S THE CURSE, IS YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING TO THE NEXT
THING.
BEING IN THE PRESENT IS TOUGH.
I WAS DOING "ARRESTED" AND I WAS KIND OF GETTING RECOGNIZED.
I WAS FEELING ALL GOOD ABOUT THAT.
AND I REMEMBER I WAS IN THE GROCERY STORE ONCE, AND THIS
CASHIER GOES, "CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?"
AND I REMEMBER THINKING-- I TOLD HER, THAT'S FUNNY, PEOPLE
USUALLY ASK FOR PICTURES.
AND SHE SAID, "NO, IT'S FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD."
AND I WAS LIKE, YEAH, DON'T GET TOO FULL OF YOURSELF HALE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE "VEEP."
I'M ALMOST KECKICALLY DEPENDENT ON "VEEP."
>> YOU FIND IT MEDITATIVE YOU TOLD ME.
>> Stephen: I DO.
I DON'T LOOK AT IT.
I LISTEN TO IT.
NOT EVEN CONTEMPLATING YOU WERE HERE TONIGHT, I HAD IT ON
GETTING READY FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT.
I LIKE IT IN THE BACKGROUND.
>> YOU HAVE SEEN MY SHOW I WOULD PROBABLY SAY 15 TIMES MORE THAN
I SEE IT.
AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH AT JOKES THAT I MISSED ABOUT MY OWN SHOW.
>> Stephen: JOKES THAT YOU TOLD ON THE SHOW.
>> THEY TOLD ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND YOU TELL ME ABOUT THEM AND I LAUGH AND I WAS ON THE
SHOW FOR SEVEN YEARS ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> IT'S REALLY AMAZING.
>> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER, GARY WALSH, WHAT WOULD HE BE
DOING THESE DAYS?
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE THAT CHARACTER GOING-- I ASSUME
YOU CAN SNAP INTO HIM PRETTY QUICKLY.
I'M NOT SCUG TO, BUT I'M JUST WONDERING, WHERE HAS HIS LIFE
GONE?
>> WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SAW THE SHOW, ME AND THIS
CHARACTER SELENA MYER, PLAYED BY JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.
WE HAD A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP, SHE TREATED ME
AWFUL ON THE SHOW-- AND IN REAL LIFE.
NO.
>> Stephen: TERRIBLE PERSON.
>> ATROCIOUS.
BUT ON THE SHOW-- SO THEN, SHE-- SPOIL ALERT-- SHE DIES AT THE
VERY END.
AND THEN-- ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE "GAME OF THRONES."
SORRY!
SO SHEIDIZE AND I COME TO HER FUNERAL.
WELL, SHE SENT ME TO PRISON, AND I GO TO HER FUNERAL.
AND I THINK HE WOULD GO EITHER TWO WAYS.
HE EITHER WENT TO THAT FUNERAL TO KIND OF-- HE DID SOME WORK ON
HIMSELF AND FORGIVE HER.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> OR I THINK HE WOULD JUST CONTINUE ON AND JUST CREATE THE
CHURCH OF SELENA.
JUST BECOME LIKE A SELENA EVANGELIST.
EVERYBODY NEEDS A HOLY SELENA IN THEIR LIFE.
I THINK HE WOULD GO INTO A MORE CRAZY SPACE.
>> Stephen: I'M WITH THAT ONE.
>> THAT'S A BETTER -- >> Stephen: NEVER STOPPED
LOVING HER.
>> IT'S A BETTER TV SHOW, TOO.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SHED A CHARACTER LIKE THAT--
>> A CULT DOCUMENTARY, TOO.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU ALWAYS SORT OF-- DO YOU EVER FIND
YOURSELF FALLING INTO HIS BEHAVIOR IN ANY WAY?
>> YEAH.
WELL, JUST RECENTLY I SUE JULIA AND SOME CAST MEMBERS.
WE WERE AT THIS PARTY, AND I FIND MYSELF, WHEN I'M AROUND
HER, LIKE, TAKING HER PURSE AND PUTTING IT ON HER CHAIR.
AND I'M TALKING TO HER, AND I SEE SOMEBODY APPROACHING, AND I
GET MYSELF IN BETWEEN THE PERSON AND HER.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "TONI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN-- AND THEN, LAST TIME I
WAS HERE, WE WERE LEAVING THE HOTEL, AND SHE HAD SOMETHING ON
THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOE.
AND I GOT DOWN AND TWEAKED IT.
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU'VE GOT TO STOP.
LIKE, THIS IS REALLY A PROBLEM."
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW CHARACTER TO THROW YOURSELF
INTO, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN AARON SORKIN'S NEW MOVIE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS BEING THE RICARDOS, WHICH IS ABOUT LUCY--
LUCILLE BALL AND DESI ARNEZ.
YOU PLAY THE HEAD WRITER OF "I LOVE LUCY."
WHO WAS THAT?
>> HIS NAME WAS JESS OPPENHEIMER, AND HE WAS THE SHOW
RUNNER, HEAD WRITER OF "I LOVE LUCY."
THEY DID THIS SHOW CALLED "MY FAVORITE HUSBAND" TOGETHER AND
THEY HAD A VERY LONG WORKING RELATIONSHIP.
AND HE WAS KIND OF A CONFIDANT TO HER.
I WAS A HUGE "I LOVE LUCY" FAN GROWING UP.
AND AARON, THE WHOLE PRODUCTION, THEY RECREATED THE SET OF "I
LOVE LUCY" FOR THE MOVIE.
SO I'M ON THE SET EVERY DAY, AND IT WAS JUST INCREDIBLY SURREAL.
AND THE REALLY COOL THING ABOUT AARON IS I THINK WHEN YOU KIND
OF ARE ENTERING INTO KIND OF A...
AN ERA PIECE, SOMETHING THAT TOOK PLACE THIS THAT ERA, YOU
HAVE AN IDEA HOW THE PEOPLE ACTED.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT OLD-TIME MOVIES-- "HEY, KID."
THAT KIND OF CARICATURE OF IT.
NOT THAT WE WOULD DO THAT.
BUT AARON SORKIN WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY, LET'S FOCUS ON THE
HUMANITY, BECAUSE THIS IS A DRAMA ABOUT THE MAKING OF 'I
LOVE LUCY'."
SO REALLY GOT INTO THEM AS HUMANS AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH
DESI.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, BUT I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A REALLY
BEAUTIFUL MOVIE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE, INSTEAD OF BEING A LACKEY, TO BE
THE GUY IN CHARGE IN THE CHARACTER?
>> IT'S GREAT, IT'S GREAT.
JUST REALLY FUN TO EXERCISE-- I MEAN, MY CHARACTER IS BUSTER AND
GARY, THEY JUST GOT SO BEATEN DOWN.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> SO BEATEN DOWN.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND SO, I MEAN, MY ARM WAS EATEN OFF BY A SEAL AND ALL THIS
KIND OF STUFF.
SO, YOU KNOW, HE JUST-- OH, THERE'S ONE-- THERE'S ONE SCENE,
I WAS WATCHING WITH MY-- MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T WATCH
"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" MUCH, BUT WE WERE WATCHING IT ONCE.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS SHE?
>> SHE'S 15 NOW.
SHE'S PRECIOUS.
SO WE WERE WATCHING THE SHOW, AND IT'S THE SCENE WHERE-- OKAY,
MY MOTHER, LUCILLE, IS-- SHE'S ON HOUSE ARREST AND SHE CAN'T
SMOKE.
AND SO, LIKE, SHE NEEDS ME, HER SON, TO INHALE THE SMOKE OUT OF
HER MOUTH #-R, AND THEN BLOW IT OUT ON THE BALCONY.
AND THEN COME OUT LIKE A BABY BIRD, AND BLOW THE SMOKE AGAIN
FROM HER MOUTH AND BLOW TOUT ON THE BALCONY.
AND I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING THIS WITH MY DAUGHTER.
AND I'M LIKE, "IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
WE DON'T NEED-- WE DON'T NEED TO WATCH THIS PICTURE."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT DON'T
GO ANYWHERE-- ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU SHOCKED?
DID THAT UPSET YOU?
I DIDN'T WANT TO FRIGHTEN YOU.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK!
>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TALK TO ME, TOO.
>> Stephen: I'M DEFINITELY-- WE'RE DEFINITELY USING THIS.
THE PEOPLE AT HOME DON'T KNOW THAT WE'VE ALREADY HAD THE
ENTIRE CONVERSATION, AND I'M PUTTING IN A FAKE COMMERCIAL
BREAK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT WENT LONGER THAN ONE SEGMENT OF THE
SHOW, AND I STARTLED TONY BY ADDRESSING HIM DURING THE FAKE
IT ISN'T A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL.
>> WE GOT IT, STEPHEN!
WE GOT IT!
>> Stephen: MORE TONY HALE TO COME.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH TONY HALE.
TONY?
>> YES!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU OKAY?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: YOU OKAY, BUDDY?
>> NO!
THAT WAS A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW IN THE MOVIE "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED
DOG."
I THINK I'M FIRST GENERATION "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG."
>> ME, TOO.
>> Stephen: IT WAS FIRST "CLIFFORD THE SMALL RED PUPPY.
THE.
THAT WAS THE FIRST BOOK, CALLED "CLIFFORD THE SMALL RED PUPPY."
AND I GOT IT FROM SCHOLASTIC.
YOU FILLED IT OUT AT THE SCHOOL, AND I PICKED "CLIFFORD THE SMALL
RED PUPPY" NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
I JUST PICK WINNERS.
>> YOU REALLY DO.
WHAT'S YOUR NEXT BOOK.
>> Stephen: AND BECAUSE SHE LOVES THE DOG SO MUCH, WHO IS A
RUNT, A TINY LITTLE DOG, THE DOG BECOMES HUGE BECAUSE OF ALL THE
LOVE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU READ THESE BOOKS AS A KID?
>> IT DID.
IT STARTED IN 1963.
I WAS BORN IN 1970.
CLIFFORD WAS ALWAYS AROUND WHEN I WAS A KID AND MY DAUGHTER WAS
LITTLE.
AND IT'S A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FUN MOVIE.
BUT-- NOT "BUT, ""AND."
THERE'S A SCENE-- BUT, LET ME TELL YOU...
NO.
AND -- >> Stephen: STRAP IN!
THERE ARE SOME QUALITY KILLS.
>> LET ME BE HONEST.
AND THERE'S A SCENE WHERE EMILY ELIZABETH, PLAYED BY DARBY CAMP,
HOLDING THE LITTLE PUPPY BEFORE HE GETS BIG, CLIFFORD.
AND BECAUSE HE LOVES HER, SHE LOVES HIM, HE GETS BIG.
AND I THOUGHT, DANG, WHAT A MESSAGE OF, LIKE, LOVE IS GOING
TO BRING GROWTH.
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IN SOCIETY WE'RE JUST-- SOCIAL MEDIA, WE'RE
BREAKING EACH OTHER DOWN, WE'RE JUDGING, WE'RE CRITICIZING.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO BRING CHANGE.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO BRING GROWTH.
WE GOTTA LOVE.
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT POINT.
EXCELLENT POINT.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU A DOG PERSON?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN GIVEN THIS PHOTO OF NO INDICATION OF WHAT'S
HAPPENING.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS AN AUDITION TO BE A DOG
OR IF THESE ARE YOUR DOGS?
>> THESE ARE MY PUPPYS.
THIS IS WALTER AND THIS IS FRANCES, THEY'RE LIKE AN OLD
MARRIED COUPLE.
AND I USED TO BE ALLERGIC TO DOGS GROWING UP.
IRONICALLY, MY PARENTS KEPT GETTING DOGS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: DID THEY MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO PROTECT YOU FROM
THAT?
>> EVERY TIME ONE WOULD DIE, THEY'D BE LIKE, "GET A NEW ONE!"
BUT THESE DOGS ARE HYPOALLERGENIC.
AND I LOVE-- AND I LOVE THEM.
AND EVER SINCE I'VE HAD THEM, NOW I'M A DOG PERSON!
I LOVE DOGS!
( APPLAUSE ) LOVE DOGS!
>> Stephen: TAKES A LOT OF COURAGE TO SAY YOU LOVE DOGS IN
FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE.
>> DOES IT?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
NO, I WAS MAKING A JOKE.
>> OH, OH, OH,.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, I
DON'T CARE HOW MANY ADVERTISERS THIS LOSES ME, BUT I THINK
CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE!
>> WHOA!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: I DON'T CARE!
I'LL PUT IT OUT THERE, MAN!
>> CHILDREN!
>> Stephen: KITTENS ARE CUTE!
>> I HAD A MOMENT OF, "DID I SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL?"
>> Stephen: THAT'S A VERY-- THAT COMES FROM A PLACE OF
ANXIETY, ONE IMAGINES.
>> TRAUMA.
>> Stephen: TRAUMA, YES.
WE HAVE A CLIP.
YOU CAN TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHO ARE YOU?
YOU'RE NOT CLIFFORD, ARE YOU?
>> I'M CLIFFORD.
NO, I-- I-- CLIFFORD THE LARGE MIDDLE-AGED MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, I PLAY...
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S BE HONEST.
JUST A SAD, DEPRESSING, FAMILY FILM.
>> Stephen: AND-- AND IT STARTS OFF AS A LITTLE PUPPY,
BUT SHE LOVES IT SO MUCH, THAT IN THE MORNING, THERE'S A SAD
MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN HER ROOM!
"I'M THE DOG!" >> OR SHE JUST THROWS IT TO THE
SIDE, AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> OKAY, SO THIS CLIP, I'M ZACK TIERAN, THE BAD GUY-- THE BAD
GUY!
AND I'M TRYING TO-- I SEE THIS-- ANYWAY, I HAVE A COMPANY CALLED
LIFE GROW THAT KINDS OF MANIPULATES NATURE FOR PROFIT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND I SEE CLIFFORD, AND I'M LIKE HE'S TRYING TO CAPTURE HIS
MAGIC AND TAKE HIM DOWN.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T MEAN.
>> ROLL THE TAPE!
>> OH!
YOU MUST BE EMILY ELIZABETH.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M ZACK TIERAN, FROM LIFE GROW.
IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
HERE'S MY CARD.
YOU ARE A LIFESAVER, YOUNG LADY.
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR FINDING OUR DOG.
>> YOUR DOG?
>> YEAH, ONE OF OUR CLUMSY JANITORS LEFT THE GATE OPEN, AND
THIS FELLA SLIPPED AWAY FROM THE LAB, DIDN'T YOU, BIG GUY.
I'M SURE HE HAS BEEN A HUGE INCONVENIENCE, SO IF I MAY, I
WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THIS.
>> I'M REALLY COMING AROUND TO THIS GUY.
>> HOLD ON.
>> WELL, DON'T HOLD ON.
WE-- CAN I HAVE A MINUTE?
>> SURE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> UGH, I HATE CHILDREN!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.
>> BAD GUY.
>> Stephen: TONY, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> Stephen: "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG" WILL BE IN THEATERS
AND ON PARAMOUNT+ STARTING NOVEMBER 10.
TONY HALE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY SNAIL MAIL.
>> WINNING DOESN'T COUNT UNLESS YOU PLAY FAIR, LIKE THE
DEMOCRATS, AND LOSE.
>> LET'S OVERANALYZE AN OFF-YEAR ELECTION TO A CRITICAL
INFLECTION POINT.
>> DEMOCRATS NEED TO THINK THIS THROUGH.
DO WE REALLY WANT TO VACCINATE SOME KID WHO MIGHT GO ON TO
INVENT CANCER?
>> THAT'S IT.
I'M BLOWING UP!
I'M IN AIM FOR YOUR HOUSE MODE.
>> WHY SHOULD WE KEEP CHILDREN ALIVE?
>> HE'S BANNED FROM POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA SITES.
THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO DANGLE HIM FROM A HELICOPTER OVER
UNMOTIVATED DEMOCRATS.
>> BUT THE IMPORTANT THING.
>> WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO WHAT JOE MANCHIN SAYS?
>> BECAUSE HE'S PRESIDENT!
>> Stephen: HERE MAKING HER TELEVISION DEBUT WITH THE TITLE
TRACK FROM HER ALBUM, "VALENTINE," WHICH CAME OUT
TODAY, SNAIL MAIL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ LET'S GO BE ALONE
WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE US, HONEY ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CAREFUL IN THAT ROOM THOSE PARASITIC CAMERAS
♪ DON'T THEY STOP TO STARE AT YOU?
♪ CAN'T LOVE FOR US BOTH YOU'VE GOTTA LIVE
♪ AND I GOTTA GO AS LONG AS IT'S US TWO
♪ BEING REMEMBERED I THINK I WAS
♪ MADE FOR YOU SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME
♪ DARLING VALENTINE?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME
♪ WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'D HATE TO PICTURE SOMEONE WITH YOU
♪ I'LL LAY DOWN AND START TO CRY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST
TWO MONTHS DO ♪ I'M OLDER NOW
BELIEVE ME, I ADORE YOU ♪ SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME
DARLING VALENTINE?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS KNOW
WHERE TO FIND ME ♪ WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME DARLING VALENTINE?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ NO, I CAN'T HATE YOU I'D RUIN ME FOR YOU
♪ BLAME ME IF YOU NEED TO, BUT
♪ I ADORE YOU I ADORE YOU
♪ I ADORE YOU I ADORE YOU ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SNAIL MAIL,
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY BRANDI CARLILE,
QUENTIN TARANTINO, AND JEFF GOLDBLUM.
GOOD NIGHT.