1 00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:05,305 >> ACCORDING TO NASA, ISSUES WITH THE TOILET ON SPACE-X'S 2 00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:09,275 DRAGON CAPSULE WILL FORCE ASTRONAUTS TO USE BACKUP 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,310 UNDERGARMENTS. 4 00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:12,512 HOWEVER, NASA SAYS, THE SPACECRAFT SHOULD STILL BE 5 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:16,516 RELATIVELY SAFE TO FLY, IF NOT SLIGHTLY LESS COMFORTABLE THAN 6 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:17,283 BEFORE. 7 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,953 >> HELLO. 8 00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:21,988 DO YOU HAVE BLADDER CONTROL ISSUES? 9 00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:22,956 I KNOW I DO. 10 00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,157 I'M URINATING RIGHT NOW. 11 00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:27,927 THANKFULLY, YOU CAN HAVE THE SAME PROTECTION NASA ASTRONAUTS 12 00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:28,995 WEAR. 13 00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:32,365 INTRODUCING LAUNCH PADS: NASA-APPROVED ADULT DIAPERS. 14 00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:36,970 WHETHER SPLASHING DOWN OR BLASTING OFF, WE'VE GOT YOU 15 00:00:37,036 --> 00:00:38,972 COVERED. 16 00:00:39,038 --> 00:00:42,175 AS YOU BEGIN TO RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR PANTS, HIGH-TECH SENSORS 17 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:45,278 IN THE LINING OF THE DIAPERS ALERT MISSION CONTROL, WHO THEN 18 00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:49,983 QUICKLY GO TO WORK SEALING ANY UNDERWEAR LEAKS AND KEEPING YOU 19 00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:50,450 FRESH. 20 00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:54,020 >> HE'S DRY! 21 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:57,223 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> SO PICK UP LAUNCH PADS TODAY, 22 00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,992 BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMETHING MIGHT POP OUT OF YOU 23 00:00:59,058 --> 00:00:59,993 UNEXPECTEDLY AND MAKE A MESS. 24 00:01:00,059 --> 00:01:03,930 >> HE SHOULD HAVE WORN LAUNCH PADS. 25 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,499 >> LAUNCH PADS ADULT DIAPERS-- ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE 26 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,368 GIANT LOAD FOR PANTS-KIND. 27 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:15,708 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 28 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:20,346 TONIGHT: FALLBACK PLAN. 29 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,116 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TONY HALE 30 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:26,453 AND MUSICAL GUEST SNAIL MAIL FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 31 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:32,392 HUMAN. 32 00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,329 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 33 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:40,333 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 34 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:47,140 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY! 35 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:55,281 OH, I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE YOU! 36 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:55,949 DELIGHTFUL! 37 00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,650 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 38 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:09,929 ♪ ♪ ♪ HELLO, MY FRIENDS. 39 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:14,100 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 40 00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:14,934 RELAX YOURSELF. 41 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,703 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 42 00:02:16,769 --> 00:02:17,570 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 43 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,772 AND THAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 44 00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:24,978 THAT-- THAT ENERGY-- THAT ENERGY RIGHT THERE, THAT FRIDAY ENERGY! 45 00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:29,549 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH! 46 00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:34,287 THAT'S THE SORT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S DEFIB 47 00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:38,525 PADDLES TO MY HEART YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A FRIDAY AUDIENCE. 48 00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:42,629 I AM READY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 49 00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:43,796 >> Jon: COME ON! 50 00:02:43,863 --> 00:02:52,906 >> Stephen: I AM READY TO CHOP UP AND SHOOT A RAIL OF PURE 51 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:54,107 UNCUT T.G.I.F! 52 00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:56,976 IT'S NO WONDER THESE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED, BECAUSE SATURDAY 53 00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:00,980 NIGHT AT 2:00 A.M., WE ALL "FALL BACK," AND GET ONE MORE HOUR OF 54 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:05,018 SLEEP, BABY. 55 00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:06,386 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 56 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:11,758 WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE UP FOR THE LAST 18 SLEEPLESS MONTHS. 57 00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:15,528 TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME, THAT WEIRD 58 00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:17,730 TRADITION WHERE WE, AS A COUNTRY, DECIDE TO TIME-TRAVEL 59 00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:23,736 AN HOUR FORWARD EVERY SPRING AND THEN TIME-TRAVEL BACK AN HOUR IN 60 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:24,971 THE FALL. 61 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:29,275 WE'RE LIKE MARTY McFLY, WHERE THE STAKES ARE "ACCIDENTALLY 62 00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:30,143 BEING LATE TO YOUR DENTIST APPOINTMENT." 63 00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,210 DON'T GET ME WRONG. 64 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,746 DON'T GET ME WRONG, MAN. 65 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:34,314 ( APPLAUSE ). 66 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,748 >> Jon: GREAT SCOTT! 67 00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:42,889 >> Stephen: I THE HOPE YOU WON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, JON. 68 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,991 I LOVE THAT EXTRA HOUR OF Zs, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT SEEMS 69 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,926 LIKE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES. 70 00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,194 BUT I'M NO EXPERT. 71 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:52,332 WHEN YOU ASK EXPERTS, THEY SAY, THAT DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT 72 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,333 HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES. 73 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,302 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING DAYLIGHT SAVING 74 00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,638 IS GOOD FOR IS MAKING SPOUSES FIGHT ONCE A YEAR ABOUT HOW TO 75 00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,974 CHANGE THE CLOCK ON THE MICROWAVE: 76 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,176 "THERE'S NO CLOCK BUTTON! 77 00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:05,745 I'M JUST GOING TO PRESS POTATO UNTIL WE SPRING AHEAD AGAIN." 78 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,482 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE IS AN EFFORT TO TRY 79 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:11,351 TO CHANGE THE WHOLE THING. 80 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:14,621 IN FACT, THERE'S BEEN A BILL INTRODUCED IN THE SENATE TO MAKE 81 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:17,256 DAYLIGHT SAVING PERMANENT, CALLED "THE SUNSHINE PROTECTION 82 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:20,927 ACT," WHICH, IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY GRATEFUL 83 00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:21,728 DEAD COVER BAND. 84 00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,196 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 85 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:28,968 WE GOT ♪ SUGAR MAGNOLIA ♪ 86 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:32,972 WE GOT A RAY OF METAPHORICAL SUNSHINE EARLIER THIS WEEK WHEN 87 00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,942 EXPERTS SAID THAT THE PANDEMIC APPEARS TO BE WINDING DOWN IN 88 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:36,976 THE UNITED STATES. 89 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,378 SHHH! 90 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,847 ( APPLAUSE ) SNOW! 91 00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:41,381 SHHH! 92 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,815 DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD! 93 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:44,984 IT WILL HEAR US! 94 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:47,754 IT'S BAD LUCK! 95 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:48,721 QUICK! 96 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:56,963 NO, YOU I NEED TO KNOCK ON WOOD ( KNOCKING ) 97 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:57,330 ( APPLAUSE ) OKAY, NOW IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT 98 00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:09,409 THE U.S. IS TRENDING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, BUT HERE'S THE 99 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:12,412 THING-- COVID ISN'T GOING AWAY. 100 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,380 IT'S JUST BECOMING ENDEMIC, SO, LESS LETHAL AND MORE PERSISTENT. 101 00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:16,983 AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT, "IT DOESN'T END. 102 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:17,750 WE JUST STOP CARING. 103 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,952 OR WE CARE A LOT LESS." 104 00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:23,656 SO, KIND OF LIKE "GREY'S ANATOMY." 105 00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:24,323 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 106 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,225 I STILL LOVE IT. 107 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:27,727 I STILL LOVE IT. 108 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,762 I LOVE THAT SHOW. 109 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,965 LOVE IT. 110 00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:34,200 MY AUDIENCE IS ALL VACCINATED. 111 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,768 RIGHT, FOLKS? 112 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:42,308 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 113 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:43,309 THERE YOU GO. 114 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:44,510 THERE IT IS. 115 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:47,180 ANYBODY HERE NERVOUS ABOUT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH 116 00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:48,981 UNVAXXED FAMILY MEMBERS? 117 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:51,250 SAME HERE. 118 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:53,753 WELL, THERE ARE SOME WAYS TO STAY SAFE. 119 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,989 ONE PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY SUGGESTED, "START BY CALLING 120 00:05:57,056 --> 00:06:00,159 YOUR UNVACCINATED FAMILY MEMBERS AND SOLICITING THEIR 121 00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:01,160 IDEAS ON HOW TO GATHER SAFELY." 122 00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:04,997 OKAY, BUT THEY'RE THE ONES MAKING PEOPLE UNSAFE! 123 00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:07,767 YOU DON'T HEAR A POLICE OFFICER SAY, "MA'AM, DO YOU KNOW WHY I 124 00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:08,968 PULLED YOU OVER? 125 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,670 TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO SAFELY DRIVE DRUNK, 126 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,972 BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY CRUSHING IT. 127 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:16,476 AND BY 'IT,' I MEAN THOSE PARKING METERS BACK THERE." 128 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,610 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 129 00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,780 NOW-- SPEAKING OF-- ♪ ♪ ♪ 130 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,349 THERE YOU GO. 131 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:27,153 SPEAKING OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH, 132 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,288 WE GOT A WEIRD LECTURE THIS WEEK FROM MISSOURI REPUBLICAN SENATOR 133 00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:33,292 AND GUY WHO'S GONNA PICK HIS NOSE THE SECOND YOU LOOK AWAY, 134 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:35,762 JOSH HAWLEY. 135 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,898 HAWLEY RECENTLY GAVE A SPEECH AT THE "NATIONAL CONSERVATISM" 136 00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:40,967 CONFERENCE IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA. 137 00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:44,237 IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM DISNEY WORLD, BUT IT'S FULL 138 00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:45,438 OF GRUMPY, DOPEY, AND SNEEZY PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN TO THEIR 139 00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,740 DOC. 140 00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:51,210 ( LAUGHTER ) IN HIS SPEECH, HAWLEY CLAIMED 141 00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:52,979 THAT MODERN AMERICAN MENS' MASCULINITY IS BEING QUESTIONED, 142 00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:56,616 AND IT'S LEADING TO SOME WEIRD RESULTS. 143 00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:59,752 >> AFTER YEARS OF BEING TOLD THAT THEY ARE THE PROBLEM, THAT 144 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:04,657 THEIR MANHOOD IS THE PROBLEM, MORE AND MORE MEN ARE 145 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:05,892 WITHDRAWING INTO THE ENCLAVE OF IDLENESS, AND PORNOGRAPHY, AND 146 00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:08,961 VIDEO GAMES. 147 00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:10,797 >> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY. 148 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,965 FAIR ENOUGH. 149 00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,334 COUNTERPOINT: THEY'RE WITHDRAWING INTO IDLENESS, 150 00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:19,872 PORNOGRAPHY, AND VIDEO GAMES BECAUSE IT EXISTS. 151 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:23,743 I DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER ON VIDEO GAMES 152 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,011 AND PORNOGRAPHY, BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY. 153 00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:27,747 WE JUST HAD AN ELECTRIC FOOTBALL GAME THAT BUZZED WHEN 154 00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:28,981 YOU TURNED IT ON. 155 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:32,985 THAT WAS OUR VIDEO GAME. 156 00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:35,755 ALSO OUR PORNOGRAPHY. 157 00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:39,358 ( APPLAUSE ) TO BE-- TO BE FAIR-- 158 00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:40,193 PORNOGRAPHY! 159 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:43,496 TO BE FAIR-- TO BE FAIR, JOSH HAWLEY IS 160 00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:46,933 PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO CHANGE HIS IMAGE A LITTLE, SINCE HIS 161 00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:50,169 MOST FAMOUS PHOTO IS THIS ONE OF HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE 162 00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:53,940 TO THE EVENTUAL RIOTERS ON THE MORNING OF JANUARY 6. 163 00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:56,943 ( BOOING ) SO, THIS SPEECH IS PROBABLY AN 164 00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:59,745 ATTEMPT TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP SHOWING THAT PHOTO-- WHICH, 165 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:03,216 AGAIN, SHOWS HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE TO THE FOLKS WHO 166 00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:05,351 SMEARED POOP ON THE WALLS OF THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6. 167 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:10,089 SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE FOLKS 168 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,324 JOSH HAWLEY LOVES TO SALUTE. 169 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:12,258 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP 170 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,961 ROUNDUP." 171 00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:16,963 >> HAY. 172 00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:20,867 GRAB 'EM BY THE POSSE! 173 00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:24,637 >> Stephen: FIRST TO MEET LADY JUSTICE IS NEW JERSEY RESIDENT 174 00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:28,307 AND MRS. MAGA CLAUS, RASHA ABUAL RAGHEB. 175 00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:32,612 MS. RAGHEB PLANNED HER BIG INSURRECTION DAY WELL IN 176 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,781 ADVANCE, AND EVEN URGED PEOPLE TO JOIN HER AND TO "BRING YOUR 177 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,451 OWN GUNS," AND SAID SHE WAS BRINGING PEPPER SPRAY, A KNIFE, 178 00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:39,685 AND A STUN GUN. 179 00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:41,754 AND HER SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS CONFIRM SHE WAS READY TO RESORT 180 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:47,760 TO VIOLENCE IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT WASN'T DECLARED 181 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:54,667 THE WINNER, POSTING "IT'S 45 OR CIVIL WAR... 1776 IS COMING." 182 00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,969 OKAY, THE CIVIL WAR WAS NOT IN 1776. 183 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,772 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR. 184 00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:03,242 THAT'S LIKE GOING TO COMIC-CON AND SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, "STAR 185 00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:05,578 WARS" FANS, HERE HE IS, CAPTAIN JAMES T. SHREK!" 186 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:13,886 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 187 00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:17,056 HER LAWYER HAS PUSHED AGAINST JAIL TIME FOR HER CLIENT, SAYING 188 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,959 RAGHEB WAS "NOT PREPARED FOR A CIVIL WAR, NOR INTENDED TO BE A 189 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:24,897 PART OF ONE." 190 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:26,899 WHICH WOULD BE A LOT EASIER TO BELIEVE IF RAGHEB HADN'T 191 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:29,902 ACTUALLY POSTED, "CIVIL WAR IS COMING, AND I AM HAPPY TO BE A 192 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:30,970 PART OF IT." 193 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,906 KIND OF UNDERCUTS THE DEFENSE. 194 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:35,942 IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT YOUR CLIENT IS 195 00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:38,678 INNOCENT WHILE THEY SIT THERE WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS 196 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,179 "I LOVE KILLING." 197 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,782 ( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP ON THE DOCKET, A FLORIDA 198 00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:47,019 FIREFIGHTER NAMED ANDREW WILLIAMS HAS PLEADED GUILTY TO 199 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,254 THE CHARGE OF PARADING, DEMONSTRATING, OR PICKETING IN A 200 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,856 CAPITOL BUILDING. 201 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,025 MAY BE HARD TO GAIN RESPECT ON THE PRISON YARD WHEN ONE OF YOUR 202 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:57,496 CHARGES IS "PARADING": "NOBODY TOUCH MY STUFF, OR I 203 00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,199 WILL HIGH STEP OVER TO YOU WITH GREAT POMP! 204 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:04,270 I'VE WHITTLED A BATON OUT OF A CAFETERIA FORK. 205 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,038 DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! 206 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,240 DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! 207 00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:11,010 I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCH!" ( LAUGHTER ) 208 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:14,780 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT 209 00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:16,248 SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 210 00:10:16,315 --> 00:10:18,584 MY GUEST IS TONY HALE. 211 00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:22,221 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR 212 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,022 REAL KIDS. 213 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,091 ENJOY. 214 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:06,932 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 215 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,934 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 216 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,236 JON, HAPPY FRIDAY, MY FRIEND. 217 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:15,941 >> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY, YES, INDEED. 218 00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:20,913 >> Stephen: JON, TONY HAIL IS HERE TONIGHT, OUR DEAR FRIEND 219 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,181 TONI AHLE. 220 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,083 IT'S THE WEEKEND, AND THIS IS A GOOD ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO TELL 221 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:28,020 YOU PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, OH, YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF LIKE A NEWS 222 00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:29,955 SOURCE. 223 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:30,756 NO, WE'RE NOT. 224 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,658 WE DON'T BREAK NEWS HERE. 225 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:33,692 >> Jon: NO. 226 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,561 >> Stephen: WE JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY. 227 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,328 THAT'S OUR JOB. 228 00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:39,198 >> Jon: THE TOP STORIES OF THE DAY. 229 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,967 >> Stephen: BUT THERE ARE TOMBS TIMES AND THIS IS ONE OF 230 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:46,972 THOSE TIMES-- WHERE WE WILL MAKE AND BREAK NEWS THIS WEEK. 231 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,976 ON TUESDAY, "THE LATE SHOW"" ON THIS SHOW RNLG WE WILL REVEAL IN 232 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,913 PARTNERSHIP WITH "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE-- THE OFFICIAL MAGAZINE 233 00:11:53,979 --> 00:12:00,419 OF PEOPLE" WE WILL REVEAL THE 2021 SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ON THIS 234 00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:02,922 SHOW." 235 00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:03,522 THAT'S NEWS. 236 00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:04,190 PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THAT. 237 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:08,894 >> Jon: THAT IS A GREAT STORY. 238 00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:11,130 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS. 239 00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:13,165 SO DON'T TRY ASKING ME. 240 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,034 I'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU ALL DO. 241 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,969 YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO FIND OUT. 242 00:12:17,036 --> 00:12:20,840 A QUICK REMINDER: IF YOU ARE A SEXY MAN, YOU'RE GOING IT WANT 243 00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:23,242 TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL TUESDAY BECAUSE IT COULD BE YOU. 244 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,778 I'M SO GLAD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS COMING ON CBS. 245 00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,047 IT'S COMING HOME TO CBS. 246 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:29,281 CRONKITE USED TO ANNOUNCE THIS. 247 00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:30,883 >> Jon: OH, HE DID. 248 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:31,884 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 249 00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,119 >> Jon: IT'S A TRADITION. 250 00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:43,129 >> Stephen: HE ENDED WANT SHOW WITH, "THAT'S WANT WAY SEXY IS." 251 00:12:43,195 --> 00:12:45,331 CHILDREN-- THEY'RE LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE, BUT SMALLER. 252 00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:49,535 AND EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC HAS STARTED PARENTS HAVE BEEN 253 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:54,006 OVERWHELMED TAKING CARE OF THEIR KIDS WHILE GETTING THEM THE 254 00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:59,578 EDUCATION THEY SO DESPERATELY NEEDED. 255 00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,347 THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN DOING A SEGMENT WHERE I GIVE PARENTS A 256 00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:03,048 BREAK BY ANSWERING REAL QUESTIONS FROM REAL KIDS. 257 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:04,750 IT WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS," BUT 258 00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:08,053 THAT SOUNDED WEIRD. 259 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,256 SO I ASKED MY WRITERS TO CHANGE THE TITLE, AND NOW WE'RE READY 260 00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,457 TO DO IT AGAIN. 261 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,725 PARENTS, PUT THOSE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE TV, BECAUSE IT'S TIME 262 00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:13,926 FOR... 263 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:19,598 >> STEPHEN'S REEDUCATION CAMP!" >> SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE NEW 264 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:20,266 TITLE. 265 00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:21,600 THAT'S JUST BAD IN A NEW WAY. 266 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:24,703 >> Stephen: HI, KIDS, I'M STEPHEN, AND I'M HERE TO ANSWER 267 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:25,638 ALL YOUR QUESTIONS. 268 00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:28,374 HOW DO I KNOW THE ANSWERS TO SO MANY THINGS? 269 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:35,481 WELL, I'M LIKE AN OWL-- VERY WISE, AND I CAN ROTATE MY HEAD 270 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:36,115 360 DEGREES. 271 00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:38,384 I'LL SHOW YOU LATER. 272 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:41,387 FIRST QUESTION: >> HOW HARD IS A GROWN-UPS WORK? 273 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:44,123 >> Stephen: WELL, I CAN ONLY SPEAK FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE, 274 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:45,858 CATHERINE, BUT I'D HAVE TO SAY IT'S PRETTY HARD. 275 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:48,727 YOU GET IN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND YOU TELL JOKES TO 276 00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:49,862 EACH OTHER. 277 00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:52,498 ALL DAY YOU JUST SIT AROUND LAUGHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS, 278 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,501 TRYING TO MAKE THOSE JOKES EVEN FUNNIER, AND THEN IN THE EVENING 279 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,237 YOU GO INTO A BIG ROOM WHERE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU 280 00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:01,640 THAT THEY CHANT YOUR NAME UNTIL YOU INSIST THAT THEY SIT DOWN. 281 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,376 SO, YEAH, IT'S A BIT OF A GRIND. 282 00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:09,848 WHO'S NEXT? 283 00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,418 >> WHY ARE THEY SO REGULARLY IN THE BADGE. 284 00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:17,289 >> Stephen: ELIJAH THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE 285 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:21,193 EXPLANATION: THE LONGER YOU SPEND IN THE BATH, THE OLDER YOU 286 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:22,428 GET. 287 00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:25,731 EVERYONE KNOWS WE AGE FROM THE BOTTOM UP, SO YOUR FEET WRINKLE 288 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:26,999 FIRST. 289 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:30,970 IF YOU SEE LEG WRINCHG LING, GET OUT OF THE BATH FAST BEFORE YOU 290 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,671 BECOME AN OLD MAN. 291 00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:36,442 IF WRINCHG LING TOE SYNDROME PERSISTS, ASK YOUR PARENTS TO 292 00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:39,578 SPRING FOR STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIRACLE TOES. 293 00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,114 MAKE YOUR TOES LOOK 10 YEARS NUMBER. 294 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:46,285 IT WAS INVENT BIDE A SCIENTIST AQAPS OF MINE AND MADE BY MIXING 295 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:47,286 DIFFERENT THINGS TOGETHER. 296 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,922 TELL YOUR PARENTS I NEED THEIR MONEY IMMEDIATELY. 297 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,023 NEXT QUESTION. 298 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:57,196 >> HOW CAN I BECOME A BILLIONAIRE OR A MILLIONAIRE IN 299 00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,030 ONE DAY? 300 00:14:58,097 --> 00:14:59,598 >> Stephen: THIS IS AN EASY ONE, SETH. 301 00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:03,402 JUST GET ON REDDIT AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT A COMPANY THAT 302 00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:04,970 HEDGE FUND MANAGERS ARE KEEN TO SHORT. 303 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,973 THAT JUST MEANS THEY THINK THE COMPANY IS OVERVALUED, THEN YOU 304 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:14,913 AND ALL YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL BUDDIES ARE GOING TO BUY THAT 305 00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:18,684 STOCK, FORCING THE HEDGE FUND MANAGERS TO TAKE A MASSIVE LOSS 306 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,153 AND DRIVING UP THE PRICE OF YOUR STOCK. 307 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,723 WITH YOUR NEWLY ACQUIRING WITH THE YOU CAN START YOUR OWN HEDGE 308 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:28,327 FUND THAT CONTINUES TO GROW YOUR FORTUNE, UNTIL ONE DAY A GROUP 309 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:31,397 OF PEOPLE EXPLOITS ONE OF YOUR MARTIN STRATEGIES, CAUSING YOU 310 00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:35,301 TO REALIZE THE TRALDZ YOU MADE AND THE MONEY YOU COLLECTED ARE 311 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:36,502 IN FACT MEANINGLESS. 312 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:39,138 WHEN THAT DAY COMES, YOU REFLECT ON HOW NOTHING YOU BOUGHT OR 313 00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:42,241 SOLD HAS BROUGHT YOU ANY CLOSER TO HAPPINESS, BUT NOW YOU'RE AN 314 00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:45,444 OLD MAN, AND THIS ENLIGHTENMENT HAS COME TOO LATE. 315 00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:46,912 IT'S CALLED CAPITALISM. 316 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:50,316 NOW, GO OUT THERE AND HAVE SOME FUN. 317 00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,450 NEXT QUESTION? 318 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:57,823 >> IF YOU WISH UPON A STAR, DO ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE? 319 00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,224 >> Stephen: GREAT QUESTION, JOSEPH. 320 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:02,094 I WAS HOPING TO ANSWER IT BY USING A FAMOUS SONG ABOUT 321 00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:06,098 WISHING UPON A STARK BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT SONG IS 322 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:10,069 OWNED BY A VERY LITIGIOUS COMPANY, SO FOR LEGAL REASONS 323 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:13,839 THIS WILL BE ANSWERED BY A ROYALTY FREE AN MAINTAINED 324 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:20,346 INSECT NAMED CHIMENY GRASSHOPPER ♪ DO YOU HAVE A REQUEST YOU 325 00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:25,617 WOULD LIKE TO MAKE... A SPEAR OF HYDROGEN IN A GASEOUS SPACE 326 00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:29,254 ♪ MAKE A LUCKY WISH ON A THING CALLED A STAR ♪ 327 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,990 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP THE MUSIC. 328 00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,125 THAT'S MY LAWYER, BRENT. 329 00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:35,627 WHAT'S GOING ON, BRENT? 330 00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:36,729 A LAWSUITS? 331 00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:38,163 IT'S A DIFFERENT SONG! 332 00:16:38,230 --> 00:16:44,069 WHAT DO THEY OWN THE IDEA OF WISHING ON STARS? 333 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:44,803 THAT ( BLEEP ) ( BLEEP ). 334 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:45,571 KIDS, THERE YOU HAVE IT. 335 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,306 WISH ON A STAR. 336 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:48,574 YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. 337 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:56,348 BUT ONLY IF YOU DREAM OF GETTING SUED. 338 00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:56,749 SUED. 339 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:57,316 UNBELIEVABLE. 340 00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,550 ANYBODY GOT A CIGARETTE. 341 00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:00,652 >> Stephen: WELL, KID, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS. 342 00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:03,689 PARENTS IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS POST TO SOCIAL MEDIA 343 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:08,660 WITH HASH TAG COLBERT KID QUESTIONS, AND WE MIGHT JUST 344 00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:09,228 FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT STALLMENT 345 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:28,914 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 346 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,918 EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, THE BIGGEST STORY 347 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,153 CONTINUES TO BE COVID-19. 348 00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:37,923 IT SEEMS LIKE EACH WEEK THERE IS A STORY ABOUT ANOTHER VARIANT 349 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,659 THAT KEEPS THE VIRUS IN THE HEADLINES. 350 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,929 SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW SUCH AN EVERYDAY FACT OF OUR LIVES STILL 351 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,931 HAS THE POWER TO DOMINATE THE NEWS CYCLE. 352 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,434 BUT RECENTLY, I SAW A DOCUMENTARY THAT GAVE A LITTLE 353 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,268 GLIMPSE BEHIND THE SCENES. 354 00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:52,104 AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY: WE HAVE A CLIP. 355 00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:55,841 >> YOUR 2021 WAS A ROUGH YEAR, FOR SHOW BUSINESS, RIGHT? 356 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,042 EVERYTHING WAS SHUT DOWN. 357 00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:57,843 ALL YEAR. 358 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,279 MY CLIENT WERE LIKE, "I CAN'T WORK! 359 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:01,246 I'M SCARED OF COVID. 360 00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:04,049 I CAN'T WORK, I HAVE COVID." 361 00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:05,250 WHATEVER. 362 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,652 I STARTED TO THINK TO MYSELF THIS COVID THING IS GOING TO BE 363 00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:07,519 HUGE. 364 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:09,421 I HAD TO GO OF TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 365 00:18:09,488 --> 00:18:13,225 I GOT ON THE PHONE, MADE THIS CALLS, I'M JOSH TRENESSOP AND 366 00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,428 THE TALENT AGENT THAT REPRESENTS THE CORONAVIRUS. 367 00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:22,301 RIGHT AWAY, WE GOT IT IN ROOMS WITH TOM HANKS, RITA WILSON, 368 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:27,105 IDRIS ELBA, LENAN DUNHAM THE ROCK. 369 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:31,810 THIS WAS THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DISEASE IN HOLLYWOOD SINCE 370 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:34,246 HARVEY WEINSTEIN-- WHO BY THE WAY WE MET WITH. 371 00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:36,448 WE EVEN GOT AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE. 372 00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,851 THIS THING WAS GOING VIRAL. 373 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:39,251 VIRAL? 374 00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:39,718 >> YEAH, YEAH. 375 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,353 >> SEE WHAT I DID? 376 00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:41,753 ( LAUGHTER ). 377 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:42,888 >> YEAH. 378 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:47,226 >> OF COURSE IN SHOW BIZ, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE YOUNGER 379 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:48,927 AND HOTTER. 380 00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:50,062 COVID-19 ( LAUGHS ) 381 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:51,196 THAT'S YOUR GRANDFATHER'S VIRUS. 382 00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:55,267 I MEAN, I HOPE NOT LITERALLY, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT HAPPENS. 383 00:18:55,334 --> 00:19:00,172 MY NAME IS TRENT JOHNSON AND THE AGENT REPRESENTING THE DELTA 384 00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:00,973 VARIANT, HEARD OF IT? 385 00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:02,140 I THOUGHT YOU HAD. 386 00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:06,044 LOOK, I RESPECT COVID-19, TOTAL TRAILER BLAZER. 387 00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:07,646 BUT COVID WAS DOING WEDDINGS. 388 00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,081 DELTA IS DOING STADIUMS. 389 00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:13,252 WE SIGNED AN OVERALL DEAL WITH FLORIDA, THE STATE, WE'RE EVEN 390 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,287 BREAKING INTO THE TEEN MARKET. 391 00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:21,393 WE DO TEENS, WE DO OLD, WE DO MINI-TEENS-- WHAT DO THEY CALL 392 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,227 THEM? 393 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:23,862 DANA, WHAT DO YOU CALL THE SMALL ONES? 394 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:27,199 >> IT'S TRUE, THE NEW KID HAS MADE THINGS TOUGHER. 395 00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:29,401 CRUISE LINES, WHAT'SUM. 396 00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:32,104 LISTEN, MY CLIENT WANTS TO GET BACK TO THEIR ROOTS. 397 00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:32,838 LISTEN TO ME. 398 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,139 THEY WERE NOT GOING TO GET THERE. 399 00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:35,340 THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 400 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,477 NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO AREICH AT THEIR DESTINATION 401 00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:42,147 ( LAUGHING ) ( SLURPING ) 402 00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:46,318 >> LET'S FACE IT, REGULAR COVID IS OVER. 403 00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:46,919 IT'S JOHNNY DEPP. 404 00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:51,990 IT'S WEIRD, OLD, CREEPY. 405 00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:55,861 DELTA IS TIHOTHEE. 406 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:56,428 SHALL MAY. 407 00:19:56,495 --> 00:20:00,265 >> YOU SAID CHALMET? 408 00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:01,400 REALLY. 409 00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:05,871 >> I WORK WITH EMERGING ARTISTS AND I REPRESENT THE LAMB 410 00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:10,409 DAVARIANT, AND THE EXCITING UP-AND-COMING CALLED COVID 23. 411 00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:11,510 GOING TO BE HUGE. 412 00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:15,213 >> IN THIS INDUSTRY YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE TOOK CHANGING, 413 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,481 ADAPTING. 414 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,451 THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS HAVE MY EYE ON THE NEXT BIG THING-- CLIMATE 415 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:19,952 CHANGE! 416 00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:22,521 YEAH, YEAH, BIG FAN! 417 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:23,922 HUGE CONTRIBUTORS. 418 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,257 BEEN WANTING TO CHAT. 419 00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,459 HOW ABOUT HOT CHRISTMAS? 420 00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,896 IT SOUNDS SEXY, BUT IT'S JUST UNCOMFORTABLE. 421 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,366 THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LOVE AGENTS. 422 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:38,370 ♪ ♪ ♪ WHAT CAN YOU DO? 423 00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:39,972 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY SNAIL 424 00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:41,039 TONY HALE. 425 00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:59,324 >> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 426 00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:02,928 WELCOME BACK. 427 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,363 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A TWO-TIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU 428 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,332 KNOW FROM "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" AND "VEEP." 429 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:08,700 HIS NEW MOVIE IS "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG." 430 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:12,371 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TONY HALE! 431 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:22,414 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 432 00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:34,092 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 433 00:21:34,159 --> 00:21:40,332 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, TONE HEY. 434 00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:41,133 >> HI. 435 00:21:41,199 --> 00:21:42,567 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK. 436 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,970 >> HI! 437 00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:46,538 >> Stephen: LOVELY, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK. 438 00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:51,677 WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER ON THE TELEVISION SHOW SINCE 439 00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:52,210 BEFORE COVID. 440 00:21:52,277 --> 00:21:53,378 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 441 00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:56,882 >> Stephen: AND HOW DID-- HOW DID TONY HALE RIDE THAT OUT? 442 00:21:56,948 --> 00:21:59,084 DID YOU JUST-- DO YOU LIVE IN L.A.? 443 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,585 DO YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK? 444 00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:01,653 WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 445 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,724 >> I WAS ACTUALLY SHOOTING THE SHOW I DO, CALLED "THE 446 00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:08,894 MYSTERIOUS BENEDICT SOCIETY" AND I WAS SHOOTING THAT IN VANCOUVER 447 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,630 DURING COVID SO THAT WAS A LITTLE CRAZY. 448 00:22:11,697 --> 00:22:14,833 VERY THANKFUL FOR THE GIG, BUT IT'S VERY GOOD TO BE BACK IN NEW 449 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:15,300 YORK CITY. 450 00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:16,268 THAT'S VERY NICE. 451 00:22:16,334 --> 00:22:17,002 ( APPLAUSE ). 452 00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:17,369 >> Stephen: DID YOU START HERE? 453 00:22:17,436 --> 00:22:18,170 >> I DID. 454 00:22:18,236 --> 00:22:21,540 I-- I GOT MY START AS AN ACTOR HERE. 455 00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:23,175 I WAS -- >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS 456 00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:23,675 START? 457 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:25,544 >> I'M STILL GOING. 458 00:22:25,610 --> 00:22:29,548 BUT IT'S-- I REMEMBER I GOT MY FIRST AGENT HERE, AND MY TYPE-- 459 00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:34,486 WHEN YOU'RE AN ACTOR, YOU KIND OF GET LABELED A TYPE. 460 00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:36,354 AND MY TYPE WAS "NOT ALL THERE." 461 00:22:36,421 --> 00:22:40,592 ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, COME ON, KIND OF CARRIED 462 00:22:40,659 --> 00:22:41,727 OVER TO MY CHARACTERS. 463 00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:48,366 AND THEN I WAS DESCRIBED AS "DAVID SWHWIMMER, BUT NOT AS 464 00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:49,868 GOOD LOOKING." 465 00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:56,374 AND I THOUGHT WHAT IT SOMEBODY DOESN'T THINK DAVID SWHWIMMER 466 00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:59,177 ISN'T GOOD LOOKING? 467 00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,646 THEN I'M SKEWED. 468 00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:04,349 AND THEN "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" IN 2003, AND IT'S NICE TO BE 469 00:23:04,416 --> 00:23:05,217 BACK. 470 00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:06,318 >> Stephen: JUST YESTERDAY, 18 YEARS AGO. 471 00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:10,522 >> YEAH, 18 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH, "ARRESTED" PREMIERED. 472 00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:12,791 >> Stephen: WAS THAT THE SORT OF THING AT THAT POINT-- YOU 473 00:23:12,858 --> 00:23:15,026 BOOK "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT," AT THAT POINT YOU'RE LIKE, "I HAVE 474 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,228 TO GET SOMETHING SOONER. 475 00:23:16,294 --> 00:23:17,362 I'M OUT OF THIS BUSINESS." 476 00:23:17,429 --> 00:23:22,367 >> THAT'S THE CURSE, IS YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING TO THE NEXT 477 00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:23,034 THING. 478 00:23:23,101 --> 00:23:24,236 BEING IN THE PRESENT IS TOUGH. 479 00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:27,706 I WAS DOING "ARRESTED" AND I WAS KIND OF GETTING RECOGNIZED. 480 00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:29,141 I WAS FEELING ALL GOOD ABOUT THAT. 481 00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:31,743 AND I REMEMBER I WAS IN THE GROCERY STORE ONCE, AND THIS 482 00:23:31,810 --> 00:23:34,479 CASHIER GOES, "CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?" 483 00:23:34,546 --> 00:23:38,950 AND I REMEMBER THINKING-- I TOLD HER, THAT'S FUNNY, PEOPLE 484 00:23:39,017 --> 00:23:40,252 USUALLY ASK FOR PICTURES. 485 00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:42,354 AND SHE SAID, "NO, IT'S FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD." 486 00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:47,192 AND I WAS LIKE, YEAH, DON'T GET TOO FULL OF YOURSELF HALE. 487 00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:50,128 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE "VEEP." 488 00:23:50,195 --> 00:23:53,598 I'M ALMOST KECKICALLY DEPENDENT ON "VEEP." 489 00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:56,368 >> YOU FIND IT MEDITATIVE YOU TOLD ME. 490 00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:57,235 >> Stephen: I DO. 491 00:23:57,302 --> 00:23:58,336 I DON'T LOOK AT IT. 492 00:23:58,403 --> 00:24:00,038 I LISTEN TO IT. 493 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:04,976 NOT EVEN CONTEMPLATING YOU WERE HERE TONIGHT, I HAD IT ON 494 00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:06,845 GETTING READY FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT. 495 00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:08,113 I LIKE IT IN THE BACKGROUND. 496 00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:11,917 >> YOU HAVE SEEN MY SHOW I WOULD PROBABLY SAY 15 TIMES MORE THAN 497 00:24:11,983 --> 00:24:13,151 I SEE IT. 498 00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:16,054 AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH AT JOKES THAT I MISSED ABOUT MY OWN SHOW. 499 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,522 >> Stephen: JOKES THAT YOU TOLD ON THE SHOW. 500 00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:18,957 >> THEY TOLD ON THE SHOW. 501 00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:20,125 >> Stephen: YES. 502 00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:22,160 >> AND YOU TELL ME ABOUT THEM AND I LAUGH AND I WAS ON THE 503 00:24:22,227 --> 00:24:23,595 SHOW FOR SEVEN YEARS ( LAUGHTER ). 504 00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:24,262 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 505 00:24:24,329 --> 00:24:26,097 >> IT'S REALLY AMAZING. 506 00:24:26,164 --> 00:24:29,968 >> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER, GARY WALSH, WHAT WOULD HE BE 507 00:24:30,035 --> 00:24:31,369 DOING THESE DAYS? 508 00:24:31,436 --> 00:24:33,772 OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE THAT CHARACTER GOING-- I ASSUME 509 00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:36,074 YOU CAN SNAP INTO HIM PRETTY QUICKLY. 510 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:39,377 I'M NOT SCUG TO, BUT I'M JUST WONDERING, WHERE HAS HIS LIFE 511 00:24:39,444 --> 00:24:40,512 GONE? 512 00:24:40,579 --> 00:24:45,517 >> WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SAW THE SHOW, ME AND THIS 513 00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:49,054 CHARACTER SELENA MYER, PLAYED BY JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS. 514 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,123 WE HAD A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP, SHE TREATED ME 515 00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:53,959 AWFUL ON THE SHOW-- AND IN REAL LIFE. 516 00:24:54,025 --> 00:24:54,593 NO. 517 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,361 >> Stephen: TERRIBLE PERSON. 518 00:24:56,428 --> 00:24:57,596 >> ATROCIOUS. 519 00:24:57,662 --> 00:25:01,766 BUT ON THE SHOW-- SO THEN, SHE-- SPOIL ALERT-- SHE DIES AT THE 520 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,602 VERY END. 521 00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:04,569 AND THEN-- ( LAUGHTER ) 522 00:25:04,636 --> 00:25:07,739 IT'S LIKE "GAME OF THRONES." 523 00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:08,573 SORRY! 524 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,609 SO SHEIDIZE AND I COME TO HER FUNERAL. 525 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,278 WELL, SHE SENT ME TO PRISON, AND I GO TO HER FUNERAL. 526 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,014 AND I THINK HE WOULD GO EITHER TWO WAYS. 527 00:25:16,081 --> 00:25:19,317 HE EITHER WENT TO THAT FUNERAL TO KIND OF-- HE DID SOME WORK ON 528 00:25:19,384 --> 00:25:20,285 HIMSELF AND FORGIVE HER. 529 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:21,486 >> Stephen: SURE. 530 00:25:21,553 --> 00:25:24,489 >> OR I THINK HE WOULD JUST CONTINUE ON AND JUST CREATE THE 531 00:25:24,556 --> 00:25:26,057 CHURCH OF SELENA. 532 00:25:26,124 --> 00:25:30,262 JUST BECOME LIKE A SELENA EVANGELIST. 533 00:25:30,328 --> 00:25:32,631 EVERYBODY NEEDS A HOLY SELENA IN THEIR LIFE. 534 00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:34,566 I THINK HE WOULD GO INTO A MORE CRAZY SPACE. 535 00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:35,567 >> Stephen: I'M WITH THAT ONE. 536 00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:37,502 >> THAT'S A BETTER -- >> Stephen: NEVER STOPPED 537 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:38,169 LOVING HER. 538 00:25:38,236 --> 00:25:39,971 >> IT'S A BETTER TV SHOW, TOO. 539 00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,173 >> Stephen: YOU CAN SHED A CHARACTER LIKE THAT-- 540 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,575 >> A CULT DOCUMENTARY, TOO. 541 00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:47,178 >> Stephen: ARE YOU ALWAYS SORT OF-- DO YOU EVER FIND 542 00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:49,281 YOURSELF FALLING INTO HIS BEHAVIOR IN ANY WAY? 543 00:25:49,347 --> 00:25:50,382 >> YEAH. 544 00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:54,319 WELL, JUST RECENTLY I SUE JULIA AND SOME CAST MEMBERS. 545 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:58,256 WE WERE AT THIS PARTY, AND I FIND MYSELF, WHEN I'M AROUND 546 00:25:58,323 --> 00:26:03,762 HER, LIKE, TAKING HER PURSE AND PUTTING IT ON HER CHAIR. 547 00:26:03,828 --> 00:26:06,398 AND I'M TALKING TO HER, AND I SEE SOMEBODY APPROACHING, AND I 548 00:26:06,464 --> 00:26:08,800 GET MYSELF IN BETWEEN THE PERSON AND HER. 549 00:26:08,867 --> 00:26:11,803 AND SHE'S LIKE, "TONI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" 550 00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:14,839 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN-- AND THEN, LAST TIME I 551 00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:19,144 WAS HERE, WE WERE LEAVING THE HOTEL, AND SHE HAD SOMETHING ON 552 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:21,713 THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOE. 553 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,349 AND I GOT DOWN AND TWEAKED IT. 554 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,785 AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU'VE GOT TO STOP. 555 00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:27,886 LIKE, THIS IS REALLY A PROBLEM." 556 00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:30,722 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW CHARACTER TO THROW YOURSELF 557 00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:33,525 INTO, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN AARON SORKIN'S NEW MOVIE. 558 00:26:33,591 --> 00:26:34,759 >> YEAH. 559 00:26:34,826 --> 00:26:41,132 >> Stephen: WHICH IS BEING THE RICARDOS, WHICH IS ABOUT LUCY-- 560 00:26:41,199 --> 00:26:43,735 LUCILLE BALL AND DESI ARNEZ. 561 00:26:43,802 --> 00:26:47,105 YOU PLAY THE HEAD WRITER OF "I LOVE LUCY." 562 00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:48,173 WHO WAS THAT? 563 00:26:48,239 --> 00:26:54,279 >> HIS NAME WAS JESS OPPENHEIMER, AND HE WAS THE SHOW 564 00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:58,616 RUNNER, HEAD WRITER OF "I LOVE LUCY." 565 00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:01,586 THEY DID THIS SHOW CALLED "MY FAVORITE HUSBAND" TOGETHER AND 566 00:27:01,653 --> 00:27:04,155 THEY HAD A VERY LONG WORKING RELATIONSHIP. 567 00:27:04,222 --> 00:27:05,790 AND HE WAS KIND OF A CONFIDANT TO HER. 568 00:27:05,857 --> 00:27:08,960 I WAS A HUGE "I LOVE LUCY" FAN GROWING UP. 569 00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:14,966 AND AARON, THE WHOLE PRODUCTION, THEY RECREATED THE SET OF "I 570 00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:16,368 LOVE LUCY" FOR THE MOVIE. 571 00:27:16,434 --> 00:27:19,471 SO I'M ON THE SET EVERY DAY, AND IT WAS JUST INCREDIBLY SURREAL. 572 00:27:19,537 --> 00:27:24,909 AND THE REALLY COOL THING ABOUT AARON IS I THINK WHEN YOU KIND 573 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:28,513 OF ARE ENTERING INTO KIND OF A... 574 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:30,915 AN ERA PIECE, SOMETHING THAT TOOK PLACE THIS THAT ERA, YOU 575 00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:32,884 HAVE AN IDEA HOW THE PEOPLE ACTED. 576 00:27:32,951 --> 00:27:36,921 YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT OLD-TIME MOVIES-- "HEY, KID." 577 00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:40,925 THAT KIND OF CARICATURE OF IT. 578 00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:42,761 NOT THAT WE WOULD DO THAT. 579 00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:44,929 BUT AARON SORKIN WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY, LET'S FOCUS ON THE 580 00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:48,233 HUMANITY, BECAUSE THIS IS A DRAMA ABOUT THE MAKING OF 'I 581 00:27:48,299 --> 00:27:50,969 LOVE LUCY'." 582 00:27:51,036 --> 00:27:54,105 SO REALLY GOT INTO THEM AS HUMANS AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH 583 00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,941 DESI. 584 00:27:57,008 --> 00:28:00,045 I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, BUT I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A REALLY 585 00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:01,246 BEAUTIFUL MOVIE. 586 00:28:01,312 --> 00:28:02,013 >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE, INSTEAD OF BEING A LACKEY, TO BE 587 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,215 THE GUY IN CHARGE IN THE CHARACTER? 588 00:28:04,282 --> 00:28:06,484 >> IT'S GREAT, IT'S GREAT. 589 00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:11,222 JUST REALLY FUN TO EXERCISE-- I MEAN, MY CHARACTER IS BUSTER AND 590 00:28:11,289 --> 00:28:12,957 GARY, THEY JUST GOT SO BEATEN DOWN. 591 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:13,425 >> Stephen: YES. 592 00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:14,159 >> SO BEATEN DOWN. 593 00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:15,393 >> Stephen: YEAH. 594 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:18,463 >> AND SO, I MEAN, MY ARM WAS EATEN OFF BY A SEAL AND ALL THIS 595 00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:19,664 KIND OF STUFF. 596 00:28:19,731 --> 00:28:23,802 SO, YOU KNOW, HE JUST-- OH, THERE'S ONE-- THERE'S ONE SCENE, 597 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:27,872 I WAS WATCHING WITH MY-- MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T WATCH 598 00:28:27,939 --> 00:28:30,041 "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" MUCH, BUT WE WERE WATCHING IT ONCE. 599 00:28:30,108 --> 00:28:30,975 >> Stephen: HOW OLD IS SHE? 600 00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:32,377 >> SHE'S 15 NOW. 601 00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:33,611 SHE'S PRECIOUS. 602 00:28:33,678 --> 00:28:38,149 SO WE WERE WATCHING THE SHOW, AND IT'S THE SCENE WHERE-- OKAY, 603 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:44,222 MY MOTHER, LUCILLE, IS-- SHE'S ON HOUSE ARREST AND SHE CAN'T 604 00:28:44,289 --> 00:28:45,490 SMOKE. 605 00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:49,627 AND SO, LIKE, SHE NEEDS ME, HER SON, TO INHALE THE SMOKE OUT OF 606 00:28:49,694 --> 00:28:53,098 HER MOUTH #-R, AND THEN BLOW IT OUT ON THE BALCONY. 607 00:28:53,164 --> 00:28:56,901 AND THEN COME OUT LIKE A BABY BIRD, AND BLOW THE SMOKE AGAIN 608 00:28:56,968 --> 00:29:00,205 FROM HER MOUTH AND BLOW TOUT ON THE BALCONY. 609 00:29:00,271 --> 00:29:03,208 AND I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING THIS WITH MY DAUGHTER. 610 00:29:03,274 --> 00:29:05,610 AND I'M LIKE, "IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. 611 00:29:05,677 --> 00:29:08,980 WE DON'T NEED-- WE DON'T NEED TO WATCH THIS PICTURE." 612 00:29:09,047 --> 00:29:12,884 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT DON'T 613 00:29:12,951 --> 00:29:14,252 GO ANYWHERE-- ARE YOU OKAY? 614 00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:14,919 ARE YOU SHOCKED? 615 00:29:14,986 --> 00:29:15,587 ARE YOU SHOCKED? 616 00:29:15,653 --> 00:29:16,888 DID THAT UPSET YOU? 617 00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:18,356 I DIDN'T WANT TO FRIGHTEN YOU. 618 00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:20,725 WE HAVE TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK! 619 00:29:20,792 --> 00:29:24,129 >> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TALK TO ME, TOO. 620 00:29:24,195 --> 00:29:26,498 >> Stephen: I'M DEFINITELY-- WE'RE DEFINITELY USING THIS. 621 00:29:26,564 --> 00:29:30,902 THE PEOPLE AT HOME DON'T KNOW THAT WE'VE ALREADY HAD THE 622 00:29:30,969 --> 00:29:33,705 ENTIRE CONVERSATION, AND I'M PUTTING IN A FAKE COMMERCIAL 623 00:29:33,771 --> 00:29:37,842 BREAK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT WENT LONGER THAN ONE SEGMENT OF THE 624 00:29:37,909 --> 00:29:42,914 SHOW, AND I STARTLED TONY BY ADDRESSING HIM DURING THE FAKE 625 00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:44,916 IT ISN'T A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK. 626 00:29:44,983 --> 00:29:49,921 AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL. 627 00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:52,423 >> WE GOT IT, STEPHEN! 628 00:29:52,490 --> 00:29:53,525 WE GOT IT! 629 00:29:53,591 --> 00:29:54,592 >> Stephen: MORE TONY HALE TO COME. 630 00:30:14,012 --> 00:30:18,950 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 631 00:30:19,017 --> 00:30:21,953 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH TONY HALE. 632 00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:22,253 TONY? 633 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:26,958 >> YES! 634 00:30:27,025 --> 00:30:28,193 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU OKAY? 635 00:30:28,259 --> 00:30:28,826 >> NO! 636 00:30:28,893 --> 00:30:30,628 >> Stephen: YOU OKAY, BUDDY? 637 00:30:30,695 --> 00:30:31,362 >> NO! 638 00:30:31,429 --> 00:30:33,731 THAT WAS A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK. 639 00:30:33,798 --> 00:30:34,032 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT A FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK. 640 00:30:34,098 --> 00:30:35,200 >> YES. 641 00:30:35,266 --> 00:30:38,069 >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW IN THE MOVIE "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED 642 00:30:38,136 --> 00:30:39,204 DOG." 643 00:30:39,270 --> 00:30:41,406 I THINK I'M FIRST GENERATION "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG." 644 00:30:41,472 --> 00:30:42,640 >> ME, TOO. 645 00:30:42,707 --> 00:30:46,077 >> Stephen: IT WAS FIRST "CLIFFORD THE SMALL RED PUPPY. 646 00:30:46,144 --> 00:30:47,345 THE. 647 00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:49,981 THAT WAS THE FIRST BOOK, CALLED "CLIFFORD THE SMALL RED PUPPY." 648 00:30:50,048 --> 00:30:51,816 AND I GOT IT FROM SCHOLASTIC. 649 00:30:51,883 --> 00:30:55,653 YOU FILLED IT OUT AT THE SCHOOL, AND I PICKED "CLIFFORD THE SMALL 650 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,555 RED PUPPY" NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS GOING TO BE. 651 00:30:57,622 --> 00:30:59,691 I JUST PICK WINNERS. 652 00:30:59,757 --> 00:31:01,359 >> YOU REALLY DO. 653 00:31:01,426 --> 00:31:02,560 WHAT'S YOUR NEXT BOOK. 654 00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:05,863 >> Stephen: AND BECAUSE SHE LOVES THE DOG SO MUCH, WHO IS A 655 00:31:05,930 --> 00:31:10,235 RUNT, A TINY LITTLE DOG, THE DOG BECOMES HUGE BECAUSE OF ALL THE 656 00:31:10,301 --> 00:31:10,535 LOVE. 657 00:31:10,602 --> 00:31:11,502 >> YEAH. 658 00:31:11,569 --> 00:31:12,937 >> Stephen: DID YOU READ THESE BOOKS AS A KID? 659 00:31:13,004 --> 00:31:14,405 >> IT DID. 660 00:31:14,472 --> 00:31:16,074 IT STARTED IN 1963. 661 00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:17,809 I WAS BORN IN 1970. 662 00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:21,312 CLIFFORD WAS ALWAYS AROUND WHEN I WAS A KID AND MY DAUGHTER WAS 663 00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:22,247 LITTLE. 664 00:31:22,313 --> 00:31:25,383 AND IT'S A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FUN MOVIE. 665 00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:28,253 BUT-- NOT "BUT, ""AND." 666 00:31:28,319 --> 00:31:31,556 THERE'S A SCENE-- BUT, LET ME TELL YOU... 667 00:31:31,623 --> 00:31:32,857 NO. 668 00:31:32,924 --> 00:31:36,527 AND -- >> Stephen: STRAP IN! 669 00:31:36,594 --> 00:31:38,129 THERE ARE SOME QUALITY KILLS. 670 00:31:38,196 --> 00:31:39,631 >> LET ME BE HONEST. 671 00:31:39,697 --> 00:31:44,702 AND THERE'S A SCENE WHERE EMILY ELIZABETH, PLAYED BY DARBY CAMP, 672 00:31:44,769 --> 00:31:47,739 HOLDING THE LITTLE PUPPY BEFORE HE GETS BIG, CLIFFORD. 673 00:31:47,805 --> 00:31:52,243 AND BECAUSE HE LOVES HER, SHE LOVES HIM, HE GETS BIG. 674 00:31:52,310 --> 00:31:55,580 AND I THOUGHT, DANG, WHAT A MESSAGE OF, LIKE, LOVE IS GOING 675 00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:56,814 TO BRING GROWTH. 676 00:31:56,881 --> 00:32:00,652 BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IN SOCIETY WE'RE JUST-- SOCIAL MEDIA, WE'RE 677 00:32:00,718 --> 00:32:03,221 BREAKING EACH OTHER DOWN, WE'RE JUDGING, WE'RE CRITICIZING. 678 00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:05,089 THAT'S NOT GOING TO BRING CHANGE. 679 00:32:05,156 --> 00:32:07,759 THAT'S NOT GOING TO BRING GROWTH. 680 00:32:07,825 --> 00:32:08,393 WE GOTTA LOVE. 681 00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:10,028 >> Stephen: EXCELLENT POINT. 682 00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:10,662 EXCELLENT POINT. 683 00:32:10,728 --> 00:32:11,596 ( APPLAUSE ). 684 00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:13,231 >> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU A DOG PERSON? 685 00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:17,869 BECAUSE I'VE BEEN GIVEN THIS PHOTO OF NO INDICATION OF WHAT'S 686 00:32:17,935 --> 00:32:18,303 HAPPENING. 687 00:32:18,369 --> 00:32:19,504 >> I DON'T KNOW. 688 00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:23,975 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS AN AUDITION TO BE A DOG 689 00:32:24,042 --> 00:32:25,209 OR IF THESE ARE YOUR DOGS? 690 00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,211 >> THESE ARE MY PUPPYS. 691 00:32:27,278 --> 00:32:30,248 THIS IS WALTER AND THIS IS FRANCES, THEY'RE LIKE AN OLD 692 00:32:30,315 --> 00:32:31,182 MARRIED COUPLE. 693 00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:34,252 AND I USED TO BE ALLERGIC TO DOGS GROWING UP. 694 00:32:34,319 --> 00:32:36,454 IRONICALLY, MY PARENTS KEPT GETTING DOGS. 695 00:32:36,521 --> 00:32:38,456 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP. 696 00:32:38,523 --> 00:32:41,392 >> Stephen: DID THEY MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO PROTECT YOU FROM 697 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:42,593 THAT? 698 00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:45,863 >> EVERY TIME ONE WOULD DIE, THEY'D BE LIKE, "GET A NEW ONE!" 699 00:32:45,930 --> 00:32:48,466 BUT THESE DOGS ARE HYPOALLERGENIC. 700 00:32:48,533 --> 00:32:49,701 AND I LOVE-- AND I LOVE THEM. 701 00:32:49,767 --> 00:32:52,737 AND EVER SINCE I'VE HAD THEM, NOW I'M A DOG PERSON! 702 00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:54,572 I LOVE DOGS! 703 00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:59,677 ( APPLAUSE ) LOVE DOGS! 704 00:32:59,744 --> 00:33:04,148 >> Stephen: TAKES A LOT OF COURAGE TO SAY YOU LOVE DOGS IN 705 00:33:04,215 --> 00:33:05,183 FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE. 706 00:33:05,249 --> 00:33:06,217 >> DOES IT? 707 00:33:06,284 --> 00:33:07,118 >> Stephen: WHAT? 708 00:33:07,185 --> 00:33:08,586 NO, I WAS MAKING A JOKE. 709 00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:10,088 >> OH, OH, OH,. 710 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:15,226 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, I 711 00:33:15,293 --> 00:33:19,097 DON'T CARE HOW MANY ADVERTISERS THIS LOSES ME, BUT I THINK 712 00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:19,997 CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE! 713 00:33:20,064 --> 00:33:20,998 >> WHOA! 714 00:33:21,065 --> 00:33:21,599 STEPHEN! 715 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:23,167 >> Stephen: I DON'T CARE! 716 00:33:23,234 --> 00:33:25,370 I'LL PUT IT OUT THERE, MAN! 717 00:33:25,436 --> 00:33:27,004 >> CHILDREN! 718 00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:28,773 >> Stephen: KITTENS ARE CUTE! 719 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:32,710 >> I HAD A MOMENT OF, "DID I SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL?" 720 00:33:32,777 --> 00:33:35,146 >> Stephen: THAT'S A VERY-- THAT COMES FROM A PLACE OF 721 00:33:35,213 --> 00:33:35,847 ANXIETY, ONE IMAGINES. 722 00:33:35,913 --> 00:33:36,447 >> TRAUMA. 723 00:33:36,514 --> 00:33:37,281 >> Stephen: TRAUMA, YES. 724 00:33:37,348 --> 00:33:38,216 WE HAVE A CLIP. 725 00:33:38,282 --> 00:33:41,152 YOU CAN TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING? 726 00:33:41,219 --> 00:33:42,954 WHO ARE YOU? 727 00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:44,288 YOU'RE NOT CLIFFORD, ARE YOU? 728 00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:46,391 >> I'M CLIFFORD. 729 00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:51,963 NO, I-- I-- CLIFFORD THE LARGE MIDDLE-AGED MAN. 730 00:33:52,029 --> 00:33:55,767 ( LAUGHTER ) NO, I PLAY... 731 00:33:55,833 --> 00:33:59,904 ( LAUGHTER ) LET'S BE HONEST. 732 00:33:59,971 --> 00:34:02,473 JUST A SAD, DEPRESSING, FAMILY FILM. 733 00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:05,543 >> Stephen: AND-- AND IT STARTS OFF AS A LITTLE PUPPY, 734 00:34:05,610 --> 00:34:09,747 BUT SHE LOVES IT SO MUCH, THAT IN THE MORNING, THERE'S A SAD 735 00:34:09,814 --> 00:34:12,350 MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN HER ROOM! 736 00:34:12,417 --> 00:34:16,921 "I'M THE DOG!" >> OR SHE JUST THROWS IT TO THE 737 00:34:16,988 --> 00:34:18,556 SIDE, AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. 738 00:34:18,623 --> 00:34:19,791 >> Stephen: SURE. 739 00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:27,432 >> OKAY, SO THIS CLIP, I'M ZACK TIERAN, THE BAD GUY-- THE BAD 740 00:34:27,498 --> 00:34:28,699 GUY! 741 00:34:28,766 --> 00:34:31,335 AND I'M TRYING TO-- I SEE THIS-- ANYWAY, I HAVE A COMPANY CALLED 742 00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:33,905 LIFE GROW THAT KINDS OF MANIPULATES NATURE FOR PROFIT. 743 00:34:33,971 --> 00:34:35,139 >> Stephen: SURE. 744 00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:38,676 >> AND I SEE CLIFFORD, AND I'M LIKE HE'S TRYING TO CAPTURE HIS 745 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:41,412 MAGIC AND TAKE HIM DOWN. 746 00:34:41,479 --> 00:34:43,948 >> Stephen: I DIDN'T MEAN. 747 00:34:44,015 --> 00:34:45,650 >> ROLL THE TAPE! 748 00:34:45,716 --> 00:34:46,951 >> OH! 749 00:34:47,018 --> 00:34:48,052 YOU MUST BE EMILY ELIZABETH. 750 00:34:48,119 --> 00:34:49,320 >> WHO ARE YOU? 751 00:34:49,387 --> 00:34:51,956 >> I'M ZACK TIERAN, FROM LIFE GROW. 752 00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:54,959 IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. 753 00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:55,860 HERE'S MY CARD. 754 00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:58,596 YOU ARE A LIFESAVER, YOUNG LADY. 755 00:34:58,663 --> 00:35:00,832 I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR FINDING OUR DOG. 756 00:35:00,898 --> 00:35:01,999 >> YOUR DOG? 757 00:35:02,066 --> 00:35:04,902 >> YEAH, ONE OF OUR CLUMSY JANITORS LEFT THE GATE OPEN, AND 758 00:35:04,969 --> 00:35:08,506 THIS FELLA SLIPPED AWAY FROM THE LAB, DIDN'T YOU, BIG GUY. 759 00:35:08,573 --> 00:35:12,877 I'M SURE HE HAS BEEN A HUGE INCONVENIENCE, SO IF I MAY, I 760 00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:17,915 WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THIS. 761 00:35:17,982 --> 00:35:20,084 >> I'M REALLY COMING AROUND TO THIS GUY. 762 00:35:20,151 --> 00:35:20,852 >> HOLD ON. 763 00:35:20,918 --> 00:35:23,020 >> WELL, DON'T HOLD ON. 764 00:35:23,087 --> 00:35:25,923 WE-- CAN I HAVE A MINUTE? 765 00:35:25,990 --> 00:35:26,457 >> SURE. 766 00:35:26,524 --> 00:35:28,493 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 767 00:35:28,559 --> 00:35:30,461 >> UGH, I HATE CHILDREN! 768 00:35:30,528 --> 00:35:34,198 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 769 00:35:34,265 --> 00:35:35,900 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE BAD GUY. 770 00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:36,701 >> BAD GUY. 771 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:38,636 >> Stephen: TONY, LOVELY TO SEE YOU. 772 00:35:38,703 --> 00:35:39,937 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 773 00:35:40,004 --> 00:35:41,105 >> Stephen: "CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG" WILL BE IN THEATERS 774 00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:43,941 AND ON PARAMOUNT+ STARTING NOVEMBER 10. 775 00:35:44,008 --> 00:35:45,009 TONY HALE, EVERYBODY! 776 00:35:45,076 --> 00:35:46,477 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY SNAIL MAIL. 777 00:35:54,018 --> 00:35:56,754 >> WINNING DOESN'T COUNT UNLESS YOU PLAY FAIR, LIKE THE 778 00:35:56,821 --> 00:35:58,022 DEMOCRATS, AND LOSE. 779 00:35:58,089 --> 00:36:03,261 >> LET'S OVERANALYZE AN OFF-YEAR ELECTION TO A CRITICAL 780 00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:04,128 INFLECTION POINT. 781 00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:05,863 >> DEMOCRATS NEED TO THINK THIS THROUGH. 782 00:36:05,930 --> 00:36:10,101 DO WE REALLY WANT TO VACCINATE SOME KID WHO MIGHT GO ON TO 783 00:36:10,167 --> 00:36:10,701 INVENT CANCER? 784 00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:11,302 >> THAT'S IT. 785 00:36:11,369 --> 00:36:12,570 I'M BLOWING UP! 786 00:36:12,637 --> 00:36:15,006 I'M IN AIM FOR YOUR HOUSE MODE. 787 00:36:15,072 --> 00:36:18,342 >> WHY SHOULD WE KEEP CHILDREN ALIVE? 788 00:36:18,409 --> 00:36:21,512 >> HE'S BANNED FROM POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA SITES. 789 00:36:21,579 --> 00:36:26,951 THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO DANGLE HIM FROM A HELICOPTER OVER 790 00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:27,585 UNMOTIVATED DEMOCRATS. 791 00:36:27,652 --> 00:36:33,124 >> BUT THE IMPORTANT THING. 792 00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:36,694 >> WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO WHAT JOE MANCHIN SAYS? 793 00:36:36,761 --> 00:36:37,762 >> BECAUSE HE'S PRESIDENT! 794 00:36:46,003 --> 00:36:47,939 >> Stephen: HERE MAKING HER TELEVISION DEBUT WITH THE TITLE 795 00:36:48,005 --> 00:36:52,543 TRACK FROM HER ALBUM, "VALENTINE," WHICH CAME OUT 796 00:36:52,610 --> 00:37:02,887 TODAY, SNAIL MAIL. 797 00:37:02,954 --> 00:37:06,891 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ LET'S GO BE ALONE 798 00:37:06,958 --> 00:37:17,902 WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE US, HONEY ♪ ♪ ♪ 799 00:37:17,969 --> 00:37:23,908 ♪ CAREFUL IN THAT ROOM THOSE PARASITIC CAMERAS 800 00:37:23,975 --> 00:37:31,816 ♪ DON'T THEY STOP TO STARE AT YOU? 801 00:37:31,882 --> 00:37:37,822 ♪ CAN'T LOVE FOR US BOTH YOU'VE GOTTA LIVE 802 00:37:37,888 --> 00:37:49,800 ♪ AND I GOTTA GO AS LONG AS IT'S US TWO 803 00:37:49,867 --> 00:37:55,806 ♪ BEING REMEMBERED I THINK I WAS 804 00:37:55,873 --> 00:38:04,949 ♪ MADE FOR YOU SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME 805 00:38:05,016 --> 00:38:08,953 ♪ DARLING VALENTINE? 806 00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:16,260 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 807 00:38:16,327 --> 00:38:19,797 ♪ YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME 808 00:38:19,864 --> 00:38:31,809 ♪ WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪ ♪ ♪ 809 00:38:31,876 --> 00:38:36,514 ♪ I'D HATE TO PICTURE SOMEONE WITH YOU 810 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:40,951 ♪ I'LL LAY DOWN AND START TO CRY 811 00:38:41,018 --> 00:38:48,959 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST 812 00:38:49,026 --> 00:38:52,930 TWO MONTHS DO ♪ I'M OLDER NOW 813 00:38:52,997 --> 00:39:04,942 BELIEVE ME, I ADORE YOU ♪ SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME 814 00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:08,946 DARLING VALENTINE? 815 00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:16,954 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS KNOW 816 00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:24,962 WHERE TO FIND ME ♪ WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND 817 00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:31,802 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 818 00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:37,808 ♪ SO WHY'D YOU WANNA ERASE ME DARLING VALENTINE? 819 00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:48,753 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 820 00:39:48,819 --> 00:39:52,957 ♪ NO, I CAN'T HATE YOU I'D RUIN ME FOR YOU 821 00:39:53,023 --> 00:39:56,927 ♪ BLAME ME IF YOU NEED TO, BUT 822 00:39:56,994 --> 00:40:07,805 ♪ I ADORE YOU I ADORE YOU 823 00:40:07,872 --> 00:40:09,874 ♪ I ADORE YOU I ADORE YOU ♪ 824 00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:23,087 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SNAIL MAIL, 825 00:40:23,154 --> 00:40:25,489 EVERYBODY. 826 00:40:25,556 --> 00:40:26,690 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 827 00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:29,627 TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY BRANDI CARLILE, 828 00:40:29,693 --> 00:40:31,095 QUENTIN TARANTINO, AND JEFF GOLDBLUM. 829 00:40:31,162 --> 00:40:33,164 GOOD NIGHT.