1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,503 >> THOUSANDS OF NEW YORK CITY FIREFIGHTERS OBSERVE MEDICAL 2 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:06,906 LEAVE IN AN APPARENT PROTEST AGAINST THE CITY'S VACCINE MAN 3 00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:08,074 DATE. 4 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:11,945 >> 2000FDNY EMPLOYEES CALLING OUT SICK OVER THE PAST WEEK 5 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:14,948 CAUSING A NUMBER OF FIRE DEPARTMENT ENGINE COMPANIES TO 6 00:00:15,014 --> 00:00:16,216 BE TAKEN OUT OF SERVICE. 7 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,686 THE FIRE COMMISSIONER SAYING IRRESPONSIBLE BOGUS SICK LEAVE 8 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,489 BY SOME OF OUR MEMBERS IS CREATING A DANGER FOR 9 00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:26,860 NEW YORKERS AND THEIR FELLOW FIREFIGHTERS. 10 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:31,064 ( RINGING ) >> PATROL. 11 00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,365 HEY, RIDER. 12 00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:32,999 I'M SICK. 13 00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,234 GOING TO STAY IN BED TODAY. 14 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:37,937 >> YOU REALIZE THIS IS A VIDEO CALL, RIGHT? 15 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:41,641 ( DIAL TONE ) >> MARSHALL? 16 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,843 I MEANT TO SAY I CAN'T COME IN BECAUSE I'M TAKING MANY I DOG 17 00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,678 TO THE VET. 18 00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:46,379 >> YOU ARE A DOG. 19 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:49,282 IS THIS ABOUT YOUR RABIES SHOT? 20 00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:51,484 >> HE'S AN ANTI-VAXXER. 21 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:52,419 I'M NOT TAKING IT. 22 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:56,456 I DON'T WANT MY BALLS TO SWELL UP. 23 00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:59,058 >> YOU GOT NEUTERED YEARS AGO. 24 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:02,495 WHAT HAVE I BEEN LICKING? 25 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,430 ADVENTURE BAY NEEDS YOUR HELP. 26 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:06,499 YOU'VE GOT TO GET VACCINATED. 27 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:07,400 >> SCREW ADVENTURE BAY. 28 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,135 I'M NOT GETTING VACCINATED. 29 00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:12,572 WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? 30 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:17,677 >> HE'S GOT IT, MR. FINCH, HE'S GOT THE RABIES. 31 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:22,949 ( GROWLING ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 32 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:37,163 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 33 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:39,566 TONIGHT, THE SUM OF ALL FEARS. 34 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:43,703 FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES HUMA ABEDIN! 35 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,539 DAVID BYRNE! 36 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:53,346 AND A PERFORMANCE FROM BROADWAY'S "AMERICAN UTOPIA," 37 00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:57,517 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 38 00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:01,888 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 39 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:08,828 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 40 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,598 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) 41 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:16,035 >> Stephen: HEY! 42 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:32,418 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT YOU GONNA DO? 43 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,620 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THANK 44 00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:34,888 YOU, EVERYBODY! 45 00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,823 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE SHOW. 46 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,559 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 47 00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:45,431 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN TONIGHT'S SHOW, FOR TONIGHT'S 48 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,568 SHOW, JUST FAIR WARNING, CARDS ON THE TABLE, YOU MIGHT NOTICE 49 00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:52,005 I'M GOING TO BE MOVING A LITTLE GINGERLY THIS EVENING. 50 00:02:52,071 --> 00:02:56,943 THIS WEEKEND I THREW MY BACK OUT EXERCISING. 51 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,711 I'M AGAINST IT. 52 00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:01,414 I'M AGAINST IT. 53 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,716 HAPPY DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY. 54 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:08,187 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: IT WAS A NICE 55 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:09,389 HALLOWEEN. 56 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:12,191 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE DAY TO HAVE THE DEAD, ALL 57 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:17,630 SAINTS DAY, ALSO KNOWN AS WHERE AM I GOING TO STORE A 12-FOOT 58 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:18,932 SKELETON DAY. 59 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:22,302 NOW, I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, BY THE WAY, THE DOG IN THE COLD 60 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:25,004 OPEN, HE'S FINE. 61 00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:29,809 HE'S GONE TO FIGHT FIRES AT A FARM UPSTATE. 62 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:33,580 HE'S ABSOLUTELY GOING TO BE FINE. 63 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:38,117 NOW, DESPITE MY BACK, I HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN AFTER LAST 64 00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:39,519 YEAR'S HALLOWEEN LOCKDOWN. 65 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:42,355 IT WAS REALLY NICE TO HAVE REGULAR TRICK OR TREATERS COME 66 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,924 TO THE DOOR THIS YEAR. 67 00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,125 ISN'T THAT LOVELY? 68 00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:46,893 >> LITTLE KIDDOS CAME BY. 69 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,863 >> Stephen: YOU HAD SOME COME BY? 70 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:57,537 I LOVED SEEING THE GHOSTS, GHOULIES, PRINCESSES AND 71 00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:00,340 PRINCES, FIVE-YEAR-OLD SPIDER-MAN WITH DISTURBING 72 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,507 MUSCLE DEFINITION. 73 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:05,044 I LOVED GIVING OUT CANDY BUT THERE ARE PROTOCOL ISSUES LAST 74 00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:06,212 NIGHT. 75 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:07,380 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD THIS EXPERIENCE, I OPENED THE DOOR, 76 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:11,484 AND THE KIDS WOULD JUST SAY, HI! 77 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:14,153 WHICH WAS NICE, THEY'RE BEING FRIENDLY. 78 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,623 AND I WOULD SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY? 79 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:20,426 AND THEY'D GO -- PLEASE? 80 00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,562 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT. 81 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:24,497 IT'S NOT COMPLICATED. 82 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:29,135 KIDS, IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT, AND YOU WIN EVERY NEGOTIATION, 83 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:41,681 YOU'VE JUST GOT TO SAY TRICK OR TREAT AND YOU GET CANDY, 84 00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:42,882 HALLOWEEN. 85 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,583 YOU SAY TRICK-OR-TREAT, I DON'T GIVE YOU CANDY, LEGALLY YOU 86 00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:44,684 GET TO BURN MY HOUSE DOWN. 87 00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:45,952 IT'S IN THE FINE PRINT ON THE BACK OF A MILKY WAY BAR. 88 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,520 APPARENTLY, NOT EVERYONE WAS IN THE OOKY-SPOOKY HOLIDAY SPIRIT. 89 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:50,857 TAKE BILLIONAIRE AND "SQUID GAME" SEASON TICKET HOLDER, JEFF 90 00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:55,895 BEZOS. 91 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,730 ( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT IN D.C., A GROUP OF 92 00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,198 TRICK-OR-TREATERS DECIDED TO HIT UP BEZOS' MANSION, "ONLY TO BE 93 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:02,869 TOLD BY A MAN ON AN INTERCOM THAT THEY WERE "NOT 94 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:06,439 PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN." 95 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:12,845 ( BOOING ) WOW! 96 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:13,980 NOT PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN? 97 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,048 THEN WHY DID HE SPEND ALL YEAR COSTUMED AS PANIC PETE THE 98 00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,383 SQUEEZE TOY? 99 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:26,192 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 100 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,326 MAYBE THE BEZOS HOUSE WASN'T DOING HALLOWEEN BECAUSE JEFF 101 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,662 WASN'T HOME. 102 00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:34,400 HE'S OVERSEAS, CELEBRATING BILL GATES' 66TH BIRTHDAY PARTY IN 103 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,702 A SECLUDED TURKISH COVE. 104 00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:38,905 BEZOS DIDN'T GET GATES A GIFT, BUT HE DID GIVE HIM THIS CARD: 105 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:40,106 "YOU'RE TURNING 66! 106 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,543 NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR BIRTHDAY." 107 00:05:43,609 --> 00:05:46,979 ( LAUGHTER ) GATES HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF 108 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,849 CRITICISM FOR THIS PARTY, BECAUSE WHILE HE'S BEEN A BIG 109 00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:53,286 PROPONENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL ACTION, HE STILL TRANSPORTED HIS 110 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:57,023 50 GUESTS BY HELICOPTER FROM HIS $2 MILLION-A-WEEK RENTAL YACHT 111 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,224 "LANA." 112 00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,692 BUT KEEP IN MIND, ON THE HELICOPTER THEY USED PAPER 113 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:05,398 STRAWS, SO... 114 00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:10,303 ( LAUGHTER ) ALL WASHES OUT IN THE END. 115 00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:12,872 BEZOS STAYED ON HIS OWN YACHT, WHICH HE FLEW BACK AND FORTH TO 116 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,942 IN HIS PRIVATE HELICOPTER. 117 00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,144 WE ACTUALLY HAVE A PICTURE OF BEZOS' HELICOPTER. 118 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:18,711 THERE YOU GO. 119 00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:22,882 THERE YOU GO. 120 00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:31,257 ( APPLAUSE ) PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO ABROAD 121 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,458 THIS WEEKEND ON A EUROPEAN TOUR. 122 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,527 HE GOT EXCITED TO GO AFTER HE SAW ONE OF THOSE VIKING RIVER 123 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:38,131 CRUISE COMMERCIALS. 124 00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:42,101 BIDEN'S FIRST STOP WAS THE VATICAN, WHERE HE MET WITH 125 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:46,439 SUPREME PONTIFF POPE FRANCIS, SEEN HERE ON HOLD WITH THE HOLY 126 00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:50,143 CABLE PROVIDER. 127 00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:54,847 BIDEN HAS GOTTEN FLACK FROM RIGHT-WING CATHOLIC BISHOPS FOR 128 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:58,618 BEING PRO-CHOICE, BUT DURING THE MEETING, THE POPE SAID HE SHOULD 129 00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:04,090 KEEP RECEIVING COMMUNION, AND CALLED BIDEN "A GOOD CATHOLIC." 130 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,691 THAT'S LEGIT. 131 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:06,559 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LEGIT. 132 00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:11,430 THAT'S THE STAMP OF APPROVAL RIGHT THERE. 133 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,598 THE POPE TELLING YOU YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC IS LIKE A BEAR 134 00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:16,903 TELLING YOU YOU'RE GOOD AT POOPING IN THE WOODS. 135 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:23,109 ( LAUGHTER ) NICELY DONE. 136 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,076 NICE GROUPING. 137 00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:27,713 NICE GROUPING. 138 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:28,981 MUCH OF BIDEN'S VISIT WAS CONFIDENTIAL, BUT PARTS WERE 139 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:32,819 BROADCAST ON VATICAN TELEVISION HOME OF HIT SHOWS LIKE "SAY YES 140 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:36,088 TO THE VESTMENT," "THE PRODIGAL BROTHERS," AND "BOB COVETS 141 00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:39,826 ABISHOLA." 142 00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,060 ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN IT WAS TIME TO SAY GOODBYE, 143 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,462 THE PRESIDENT HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE HOLY FATHER. 144 00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:51,304 >> GOD LOVE YOU. 145 00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:54,273 >> Stephen: OH, YEAH. 146 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,408 YEAH, HE DOES. 147 00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:56,375 PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE PAPAL JOB DESCRIPTION ON LINKEDIN. 148 00:07:56,442 --> 00:07:57,343 "GOD LOVE YOU. 149 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,611 MUST BE GOOD WITH CROWDS, SOME LATIN REQUIRED. 150 00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:03,749 5-10 YEARS WAVING EXPERIENCE." 151 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:12,258 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFTER BREAKING BREAD WITH HIS 152 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,627 HOLINESS, BIDEN STAYED IN ROME TO MEET WITH LEADERS FROM THE 153 00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:19,332 WORLD'S TOP TWENTY ECONOMIES IN THIS YEAR'S G-20, WHICH WAS 154 00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,833 THEIR FIRST IN-PERSON SUMMIT SINCE THE PANDEMIC. 155 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:24,103 THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE PEOPLE IN PERSON POST-PANDEMIC IS ALWAYS 156 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,238 AWKWARD. 157 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:30,543 IT EXPLAINS THE G-20 ITINERARY: SEE ANOTHER WORLD LEADER 158 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,111 APPROACHING, WONDER IF THEY'RE GOING FOR A HANDSHAKE, NOTICE 159 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:35,081 THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY COMING IN FOR A HUG, HUG THEM, ONLY TO 160 00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,883 REALIZE THAT MAYBE THEY WEREN'T, AND YOU JUST MADE IT 161 00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:40,086 AWKWARD, CALL OUT THE FACT THAT YOU MADE IT AWKWARD AND JOKE 162 00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:42,922 ABOUT HOW YOU'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS 163 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:48,895 SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE? 164 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,663 ( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T KNOW. 165 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:56,102 YOU DON'T KNOW. 166 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:59,205 CLIMATE CHANGE WAS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS ON THE AGENDA, AND 167 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:03,876 THE G-20 LEADERS TOOK A BOLD STAND, PLEDGING TO ACHIEVE 168 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,879 GLOBAL NET ZERO GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS BY OR AROUND 169 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:08,047 MID-CENTURY. 170 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,249 THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY URGENT. 171 00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:12,585 IT'S LIKE CALLING 9-1-1 AND HAVING THE OPERATOR TELL 172 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:15,655 YOU THE E.M.T.S WILL BE THERE SOMETIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 173 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:18,224 NOON AND THE FUNERAL. 174 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,494 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SAD. 175 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,063 SAD STORY, ISN'T IT? 176 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:27,166 THE SUMMIT WRAPPED UP WITH A GROUP OF LEADERS SYMBOLICALLY 177 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,701 TOSSING COINS INTO ROME'S TREVI FOUNTAIN. 178 00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:32,071 NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN GLOBAL COOPERATION HAS REACHED THE 179 00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:35,041 STAGE OF "WISH." 180 00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:48,020 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 181 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:52,091 YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REFLECT ON 182 00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,660 THE WEEKEND, AND HE STARTED IT THE MOST JOE BIDEN WAY POSSIBLE: 183 00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:55,461 >> PLEASE SIT DOWN. 184 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,929 I APOLOGIZE FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING. 185 00:09:56,996 --> 00:10:04,103 WE WERE, UH, PLAYING WITH ELEVATORS. 186 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,204 ( LAUGHS ) LONG STORY. 187 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,472 >> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "YEAH, JACK, WE WERE PLAYING THE 188 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,707 ELEVATOR GAME: THE ONE WHERE YOU SEE SOMEONE COMING, SO YOU GO TO 189 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:09,742 PRESS 'DOOR OPEN' BUT HIT THE DOOR CLOSE, YOU PANIC AND TRY TO 190 00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,645 PRESS THE 'DOOR OPEN' AGAIN AND ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE ALARM BELL 191 00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:15,314 AND NOW YOU'RE TALKING WITH THE FIREMAN IN THE TALK BOX. 192 00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,917 LEARN ALL THE CURSE WORDS IN ITALIAN. 193 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:19,585 YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE, GIACAMO. 194 00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:24,957 TOLD YOU IT WAS A LONG STORY." 195 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:35,668 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A REPORTER ASKED BIDEN ABOUT HIS 196 00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:36,836 LOW APPROVAL RATING, AND HE SHRUGGED IT OFF: 197 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:40,573 >> THE POLLS ARE GOING TO GO UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN. 198 00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:45,211 >> STEPHEN: PRETTY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF HIS POLLS. 199 00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:46,012 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, A PRETTY ACCURATE 200 00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:49,548 DESCRIPTION OF HIS ELEVATOR GAME. 201 00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:52,118 ( LAUGHTER ) FROM ITALY, BIDEN FLEW TO 202 00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:55,221 GLASGOW FOR THE U.N. CLIMATE CONFERENCE KNOWN AS COP26. 203 00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:58,824 IN HONOR OF THE 26TH YEAR THEY COP OUT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT 204 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:04,063 CLIMATE CHANGE. 205 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:12,071 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE STAKES ARE SUPER HIGH FOR 206 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,773 THE PLANET, SO MUCH SO THAT YOUNG ACTIVISTS ARE CALLING 207 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,775 COP26 THE "LAST CHANCE FOR HUMANITY." 208 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,378 NARROWLY BEATING OUT OTHER CHEERY NAMES LIKE "HOPE YOU CAN 209 00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:26,452 SWIM," "WHY HAVE KIDS?," AND-- (LONG SIGH) 210 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:30,156 THE CONFERENCE IS BEING HOSTED BY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND 211 00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:36,095 "SESAME STREET" MUPPET LEARNING THAT SNACKS ARE EVEN BETTER WHEN 212 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:42,935 YOU SHARE, BORIS JOHNSON. 213 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:46,806 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FRIENDLY. 214 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:47,873 VERY FRIENDLY. 215 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:51,911 >> Stephen: JOHNSON OPENED WITH A CINEMATIC METAPHOR. 216 00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:53,112 >> WELCOME TO GLASGOW. 217 00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:56,115 AND TO SCOTLAND, WHOSE MOST GLOBALLY FAMOUS FICTIONAL SON IS 218 00:11:56,182 --> 00:12:00,886 ALMOST CERTAINLY A MAN CALLED JAMES BOND. 219 00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:04,156 WHO GENERALLY COMES TO THE CLIMAX OF THESE HIGHLY LUCRATIVE 220 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:11,497 FILMS STRAPPED TO A DOOMSDAY DEVICE, DESPERATELY TRYING TO 221 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,932 WORK OUT WHICH COLORED WIRE TO PULL TO TURN IT OFF, WHILE A RED 222 00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:17,136 DIGITAL CLOCK TICKS DOWN REMORSELESSLY TO A DETONATION 223 00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:24,043 THAT WILL END HUMAN LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, AND WE ARE IN ROUGHLY 224 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:28,114 THE SAME POSITION, MY FELLOW GLOBAL LEADERS, AS JAMES 225 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,382 BOND. 226 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:30,883 >> IT'S ONE MINUTE TO MIDNIGHT ON THAT DOOMSDAY CLOCK AND WE 227 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,185 NEED TO ACT NOW. 228 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,322 >> Stephen: WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT MIDNIGHT. 229 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:40,526 THE SPELL WEARS OFF AND I TURN BACK INTO A PILE OF HAY. 230 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,128 ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 231 00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:42,995 TONIGHT. 232 00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:47,533 MY GUESTS A HUMA ABEDIN AND DAVID BYRNE. 233 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:53,706 WHEN WE COME BACK, RELATIONSHIPS. 234 00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:25,271 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND 235 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,973 "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 236 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:38,017 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL MAKE THIS 237 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:45,958 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL MAKE THIS 238 00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:51,630 QUICK. 239 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,399 FIRST OF ALL, I LIKE THE SWEATERCH THE PROGRESSION OF 240 00:13:53,465 --> 00:13:57,036 COLOR ACROSS YOUR CHEST IS LIKE THE TURNING OF THE FALL LEAVES. 241 00:13:57,102 --> 00:14:00,406 GOLD INTO ORANGE AND BROWN AND WINTER. 242 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:01,373 I LIKE IT. 243 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,576 >> Jon: EMBODY THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, BABY. 244 00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,878 >> Stephen: SECOND, ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE SHOW 245 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:09,682 THAT WE DO HERE IS WE RUN THE GAMUT. 246 00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:13,552 IT'S A VARIETY SHOW AND THAT GOES TO OUR GUESTS AS WELL. 247 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:17,590 TONIGHT WE HAVE WORLD TREASURE DAVID BYRNE IS GOING TO BE HERE 248 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,392 TONIGHT. 249 00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:23,729 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS GOING TO SAY AMERICAN 250 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:24,096 TREASURE. 251 00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,164 >> Jon: YES. 252 00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:28,701 >> Stephen: AND NOT ONLY THAT, HE IS INTERVIEWING AND 253 00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:32,438 PERFORMING WITH THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA" 254 00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,073 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A FASCINATING WOMAN IN HER 255 00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:37,576 OWN RIGHT, HUMA ABEDIN, IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT. 256 00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:44,083 WHO I KNOW PRIMARILY -- I KNOW PRIMARILY FROM HER WORK WITH HER 257 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:46,952 FORMER HUSBAND AND HILLARY CLINTON, AND THIS IS THE FIRST 258 00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:51,323 TIME SHE'S EVER DONE LATE NIGHT, AND SHE'S GOT A NEW BOOK AND I 259 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,960 CANNOT WAIT TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE REAL WOMAN BEHIND ALL THE 260 00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:55,494 STORIES. 261 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,596 STICK AROUND FOR THAT. 262 00:14:57,663 --> 00:15:02,501 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW 263 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,604 I LOVE LOVE. 264 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:07,740 BUT KIDS TODAY LOVE LOVE A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY DID 265 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:08,907 WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. 266 00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:13,445 FROM THEIR TEXTING AND THEIR SNAPCHATTING, TO THEIR TINDERS 267 00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:17,149 AND THEIR GRINDRS, THE WAY YOUNG PEOPLE COURT HAS CHANGED. 268 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,985 FOR INSTANCE: NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 70 SAYS "COURT" ANYMORE. 269 00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:24,923 THE YOUTHS HAVE NEW TERMS FOR EVERY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, AND 270 00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:29,261 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY AMOROUS SEGMENT: 271 00:15:29,328 --> 00:15:30,195 ♪♪ >> "ROMANSPLAINING WITH 272 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:41,573 STEPHEN COLBERT" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 273 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,543 >> STEPHEN: IT'S FALL, WHICH APPARENTLY MEANS SOMETHING 274 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,846 CALLED "CUFFING SEASON" IS UPON US AGAIN. 275 00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:50,449 I KNOW, I KNOW, ANOTHER NEW TERM FROM THE KIDS. 276 00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:53,719 BELIEVE ME, I DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER UNTIL I LOWKEY YEETED 277 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,989 MYSELF SO EXTRA THAT I WAS SNATCHED RIGHT UP MY CHEUGY. 278 00:15:57,056 --> 00:16:01,593 NOW I'M A SUS ZADDY WHO'S ALWAYS SPILLIN' THE TEA, NO CAP. 279 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:05,597 EVIDENTLY, CUFFING IS WHEN "PEOPLE START TO GET INTO MORE 280 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:09,435 SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS, TYING SOMEONE DOWN INTO COMMITMENT, AT 281 00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:13,005 LEAST UNTIL THE WEATHER HEATS UP AGAIN." 282 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:14,440 WHICH SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE JUST USING YOUR PARTNER TO KEEP WARM, 283 00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:19,445 BUT IT'S STILL NOT AS BAD AS "TAUN-TAUNING," WHICH IS WHEN 284 00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:20,679 YOU CATCH A CHILL, SO YOU CUT THEM OPEN AND CRAWL INSIDE THEIR 285 00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:29,288 CARCASS UNTIL SPRING. 286 00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:31,390 BUT SOME PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE CUFFING A PROSPECT, AND THEN 287 00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:35,494 FIND THEMSELVES IN SOMETHING THE KIDS ARE CALLING A 288 00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:38,864 "SITUATIONSHIP," WHICH, I AM TOLD, IS "THE STATE OF CONFUSION 289 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:42,968 SURROUNDING A COUPLE WHO MAY BE SLEEPING TOGETHER, AND/OR HAVE 290 00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:45,371 ROMANTIC FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER, BUT THEY AREN'T, IN FACT, 291 00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:46,505 TOGETHER." 292 00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:49,508 SO, KIDS, CONGRATS ON YET ANOTHER WAY TO CONFUSE GRANDPA 293 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:53,312 AT THANKSGIVING. 294 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,681 "SO, TELL ME ABOUT THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE. 295 00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,683 OH, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT WITH DAVE? 296 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:58,717 HE'S JUST YOUR FRIEND? 297 00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,419 BUT YOU HAVE 'RELATIONS?' SO, HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND! 298 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,855 NO... BUT YOU LOVE HIM? 299 00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:04,056 YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD... 300 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:07,826 YOU'RE TOGETHER BUT NOT 'TOGETHER' TOGETHER? 301 00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:08,861 IS THIS A RIDDLE? 302 00:17:08,927 --> 00:17:10,629 I KNOW THIS! 303 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:11,830 HE HAS TO TAKE THE FOX ACROSS THE RIVER SO THE CHICKEN WON'T 304 00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:12,664 EAT THE GRAIN? 305 00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:20,639 MARCIA, HELP ME, I'M HAVING A STROKE!" 306 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:26,678 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 307 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:27,880 BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST CONFUSING NEW ROMANTIC TERM, 308 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:30,849 BECAUSE NOW THERE'S "ROACHING," WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE A NEW 309 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:33,519 ROMANTIC PARTNER, AND YOU'RE "HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU'RE 310 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:36,989 SEEING MULTIPLE PEOPLE." 311 00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,824 EVENTUALLY, YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR COLONY OF LOVERS VIA 312 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:45,264 RAID ALL THIS ONLY MAKES ME REALIZE 313 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,399 JUST HOW MANY STILL-UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIPS THERE ARE OUT 314 00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:50,869 THERE THAT HAVE NO NAME. 315 00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:53,705 WELL, I AM HERE TO ROMANSPLAIN SOME OF THE MORE HYPER-SPECIFIC 316 00:17:53,772 --> 00:17:58,877 RELATIONSHIP TYPES FOR YOU. 317 00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:02,848 FOR INSTANCE, A "FI-YAWN-CE" IS WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED TO SOMEONE 318 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,852 WHO WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT CRYPTOCURRENCY. 319 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,721 SHE'S NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT BLOCKCHAIN, NO MATTER HOW MANY 320 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,856 TIMES YOU TO EXPLAIN IT. 321 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:15,160 HEMS-WITH-BENEFITS IS WHEN YOU'RE DATING THE OTHER TWO 322 00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:25,971 HEMSWORTH BROTHERS JUST SO YOU CAN GET TO CHRIS. 323 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,306 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S SETTLING-DOWNY. 324 00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:30,843 THAT'S WHEN YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER BECAUSE HIS APARTMENT 325 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:33,812 HAS A WASHER-DRYER, BUT YOU'RE FREE TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE ON 326 00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:37,182 NON-LAUNDRY DAYS. 327 00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:41,386 AND FINALLY, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF IN AN "EN-CAGE-MENT," 328 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,755 WHEN YOU PLAN TO MARRY NICOLAS CAGE IF HE CAN STEAL THE 329 00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:47,893 DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. 330 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,596 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IT FOR "ROMANSPLAINING 331 00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:51,797 WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 332 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,699 JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU WHETHER WATCHING THE NEXT 333 00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,033 EPISODE OF YOUR CURRENT NETFLIX BINGE WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER IS 334 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:55,834 CHEATING. 335 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,971 HERE'S A HINT: IT IS. 336 00:18:59,037 --> 00:19:01,373 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUMA ABEDIN. 337 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:01,940 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 338 00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:17,222 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 339 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:24,796 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 340 00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:32,371 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK. 341 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:35,774 FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT HAS BEEN 342 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,376 IN PUBLIC SERVICE FOR 25 YEARS AND HAS WORKED AS AN ADVISOR TO 343 00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,878 HILLARY CLINTON AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT, AND 344 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,680 DURING TWO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS. 345 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:45,050 SHE'S WRITTEN A NEW MEMOIR CALLED, "BOTH/AND." 346 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:48,787 PLEASE WELCOME HUMA ABEDIN! 347 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:58,830 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 348 00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:10,576 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 349 00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:20,619 >> Stephen: WELL, UH, HERE IS THE BOOK, "BOTH/AND: A LIFE IN 350 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:26,525 >> Stephen: WELL, UH, HERE IS THE BOOK, "BOTH/AND: A LIFE IN 351 00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:29,494 MANY WORDS ." 352 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,262 >> WORLDS. 353 00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,064 >> Stephen: A LIFE IN MANY WORLDS. 354 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:36,501 >> SEEMS LIKE YOU SPOKE WITH MY EDITOR EARLIER TODAY. 355 00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,537 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I KNOW THAT UP 356 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:41,907 UNTIL A WEEK AGO, YOU HAD NEVER DONE A TV INTERVIEW BEFORE. 357 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:44,443 >> I HAD NEVER DONE A TV INTERVIEW BEFORE. 358 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,878 >> Stephen: AND THIS IS YOUR FIRST LATE NIGHT APPEARANCE. 359 00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:49,948 >> THIS IS MY FIRST LATE NIGHT APPEARANCE. 360 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:54,086 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN THEY TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD 361 00:20:54,152 --> 00:20:56,622 AGREED TO HAVE ME ON THE SHOW -- >> Stephen: YES. 362 00:20:56,688 --> 00:21:00,359 -- I ASKED THEM IF YOU KNEW I WASN'T BRINGING HILLARY WITH ME 363 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:01,793 BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE, IT'S JUST ME. 364 00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:04,896 >> Stephen: NO, SHE'S NOT HERE. 365 00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:07,499 THAT'S SORT OF THE INTERESTING THING IS YOU HAVE BEEN -- I 366 00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,637 THOUGHT I KNEW YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN AROUND FOREVER, AND 367 00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:14,873 THEN IT SHOCKED ME TO FIND OUT THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU 368 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,877 WERE ACTUALLY GETTING OUT THERE YOURSELF ON THIS SIDE OF THE 369 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,012 CAMERA. 370 00:21:20,078 --> 00:21:24,650 WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE TO YOU BEING IN THE SPOTLIGHT? 371 00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:27,586 >> I LIKE BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA. 372 00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:28,553 >> Stephen: WHY? 373 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,790 BECAUSE FOR ME IT'S ABOUT THE JOB I'M DOING. 374 00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:33,558 I DON'T LIKE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. 375 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:39,264 I WRITE ABOUT IT IN THE BOOK, EVEN AT MY WEDDING I HAD A HARD 376 00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:40,699 TIME UNDERSTANDING I WAS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. 377 00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:43,402 >> Stephen: IT'S THE BRIDE'S DAY. 378 00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,569 >> SO I EXPERIENCED. 379 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,873 BUT I'M NOR COMFORTABLE BEHIND THE SCENES, BUT I DECIDED TO 380 00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:50,642 WRITE THE BOOK AND IN PART BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE HAVE 381 00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:54,312 TOLD MY STORY FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN 382 00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:57,816 PUBLIC SERVICE, AND IF I DON'T TELL MY STORY, SOMEBODY ELSE IS 383 00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:58,950 WRITING MY HISTORY. 384 00:21:59,017 --> 00:22:02,220 AND I REALLY ENJOYED WRITING THE BOOK. 385 00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:04,222 IT WAS AMAZING THERAPY. 386 00:22:04,289 --> 00:22:10,395 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HERE IT IS AGAIN. 387 00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:12,097 "BOTH/AND," A LIFE IN MANY WORLDS, THANK YOU. 388 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:17,669 SO YOU WRITE ABOUT TWO FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS, 389 00:22:17,736 --> 00:22:21,973 CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATIONS, YOUR HUSBAND'S BETRAYALS, 390 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,076 ANTI-MUSLIM ATTACKS AND JAMES COMEY. 391 00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:24,910 >> IT'S ALL IN THERE. 392 00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:27,279 >> Stephen: OKAY. 393 00:22:27,345 --> 00:22:30,082 LET'S GO TO COMEY FIRST. 394 00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:31,316 >> OKAY. 395 00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:37,689 >> Stephen: OKAY, SO TO REMIND PEOPLE, YOU WERE INTEGRAL -- YOU 396 00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:40,726 WERE PART OF THE STORY OF REOPENING THE INVESTIGATION 397 00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:43,562 AGAINST HILLARY BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR FORMER HUSBAND'S LAPTOP 398 00:22:43,628 --> 00:22:48,867 THAT HAD BEEN UNCOVERED AND HAD BEEN SEARCHED AND FOUND E-MAILS 399 00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:54,239 FROM YOU AND SECRETARY CLINTON ON HIS LAPTOP THAT COMEY SAID, 400 00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:57,476 OH, I'VE GOT TO LOOK INTO THIS BEFORE I SAY THIS IS A REALLY 401 00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:58,677 CLOSED INVESTIGATION. 402 00:22:58,744 --> 00:23:03,381 WHAT IS THAT MOMENT LIKE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THIS POTENTIALLY 403 00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:08,253 DAMAGING NEWS IS COMING OUT AND THAT WANT YOU ARE, THROUGH NO 404 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,356 FAULT OF YOUR OWN, AT THE HEART OF THAT STORY? 405 00:23:11,423 --> 00:23:15,160 >> WELL, THAT I WRITE ABOUT IN GREAT DETAIL IN THE BOOK AND, IN 406 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:20,732 THAT MOMENT, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS THAT I 407 00:23:20,799 --> 00:23:24,102 FELT THAT IT WAS SELFSH TO FEEL ANYTHING. 408 00:23:24,169 --> 00:23:29,941 I WAS IN SUCH SHOCK AND SO -- YOU KNOW, YOU IMMEDIATELY GO 409 00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:30,776 INTO PROBLEM SOLVING. 410 00:23:30,842 --> 00:23:32,677 BUT I DON'T THINK I HAD ANY FEELINGS. 411 00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:37,082 I THINK I NUMBED MYSELF AND JUST MISSION. 412 00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:41,153 I MEAN, THOSE LAST DAYS LEADING UP TO NOVEMBER 8th, AS I WRITE 413 00:23:41,219 --> 00:23:44,823 IN GREAT DETAIL IN THE BOOK, I HAD ALL THESE OTHER THINGS GOING 414 00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:48,160 ON, I HAD ALL KINDS OF INVESTIGATIONS GOING ON. 415 00:23:48,226 --> 00:23:51,797 I SAID, I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE TILL NOVEMBER 8. 416 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:56,134 I WROTE IN MY DIARY THE LAST WEEK, HELP MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW 417 00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:57,302 IF I'LL GET THROUGH THIS. 418 00:23:57,369 --> 00:23:58,737 BUT I DID. 419 00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:01,306 >> Stephen: YOU WORKED FOR HILLARY CLINTON 25 YEARS? 420 00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:02,407 >> 25 YEARS. 421 00:24:02,474 --> 00:24:05,410 I WAS 21 YEARS OLD WHEN I WALKED INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. 422 00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:06,111 >> Stephen: WOW. 423 00:24:06,178 --> 00:24:07,746 THAT FEELING, CAN YOU IMAGINE? 424 00:24:07,813 --> 00:24:11,316 I STILL REMEMBER AND GET GOOSEBUMPS, THAT FEELING WALKING 425 00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:15,086 INTO THAT MANSION, WALKING DOWN THAT RED CARPET, VERY SIMILAR TO 426 00:24:15,153 --> 00:24:15,854 YOURS, ACTUALLY. 427 00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:19,124 >> Stephen: LIKE THAT'S A MISTAKE. 428 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,393 ( LAUGHTER ) >> UP THOSE MARBLE STEPS. 429 00:24:21,459 --> 00:24:24,663 YOU KNOW, I WRITE THE SCENE IN THE BOOK WHERE THE FIRST TIME AS 430 00:24:24,729 --> 00:24:27,899 AN INTERN, YOU KNOW, HILLARY CLINTON, WHO WAS FIRST LADY, HAD 431 00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:31,870 ME GREET THE PRIME MINISTER OF BANGLADESH, I WAS ONE OF THE FEW 432 00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:33,872 MUSLIM INTERNS AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 433 00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:37,108 I FEEL LIKE I'M STANDING IN THE CENTER OF THE MOST IMPORTANT 434 00:24:37,175 --> 00:24:38,243 HOUSE IN THE WORLD. 435 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:40,011 YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE THESE EXPERIENCES UP. 436 00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:44,182 IT WAS JUST AWE-INSPIRING. 437 00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:45,884 IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE. 438 00:24:45,951 --> 00:24:48,887 >> Stephen: WE'LL TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 439 00:24:48,954 --> 00:24:49,955 WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE HUMA ABEDIN, EVERYBODY. 440 00:24:50,021 --> 00:24:53,024 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 441 00:25:02,634 --> 00:25:05,770 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 442 00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:10,809 WE'RE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "BOTH/AND," A NEW BOOK BY HUMA 443 00:25:10,876 --> 00:25:11,977 ABEDIN. 444 00:25:12,043 --> 00:25:16,181 YOU WENT ON TO BECOME A DEAR FRIEND OF SECRETARY CLINTON'S, 445 00:25:16,248 --> 00:25:22,487 AND I'M WONDERING, WHAT WAS THAT WAS PUT ON THAT FRIENDSHIP, 446 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:26,024 GIVEN THE SCANDAL THAT YOUR HUSBAND BROUGHT TO YOU? 447 00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:32,330 I KNOW IN 2013 THAT YOU DEFENDED YOUR HUSBAND, AND DID YOU THINK 448 00:25:32,397 --> 00:25:37,402 AT THAT MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP 449 00:25:37,469 --> 00:25:41,907 WITH SECRETARY CLINTON WAS OVER? 450 00:25:41,973 --> 00:25:43,775 >> NO, BECAUSE I -- >> Stephen: YOU NEVER WORRIED 451 00:25:43,842 --> 00:25:44,476 ABOUT THAT? 452 00:25:44,542 --> 00:25:45,510 >> NO. 453 00:25:45,577 --> 00:25:46,645 >> Stephen: THINKING YOU WERE GOING TO GET CANNED? 454 00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:49,581 >> NO, BECAUSE I KNOW HILLARY CLINTON. 455 00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:52,250 ( APPLAUSE ) AND THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER IN 456 00:25:52,317 --> 00:25:55,487 MY BOOK CALLED HILLARY-LAND. 457 00:25:55,553 --> 00:25:59,324 AND AS I SAY, HILLARY-LAND IS A CLUB THAT COMES WITH LIFETIME 458 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,993 MEMBERSHIP, AND I JOINED THAT CLUB IN 1996. 459 00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:06,364 AND IT'S NOT JUST ME, THERE'S A VERY BROAD GROUP OF US, POSTALLY 460 00:26:06,431 --> 00:26:08,300 WOMEN, BUT THERE ARE MEN IN THE CLUB, TOO. 461 00:26:08,366 --> 00:26:11,970 WITH THAT FEELING -- I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THE FIRST 462 00:26:12,037 --> 00:26:14,906 PART OF THE BOOK IS ABOUT GROWING UP IN SAUDI ARABIA, AND 463 00:26:14,973 --> 00:26:21,212 ONE OF THE THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE WAY I GREW UP IS I WAS 464 00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:26,851 SURROUNDED BY A VERY LOVING COMMUNITY, WE CALL IT THE UMA IN 465 00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:27,852 MUSLIM COMMUNITIES. 466 00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:31,623 I FOUND THAT SENSE OF COMMUNITY IN HILLARY-LAND. 467 00:26:31,690 --> 00:26:38,897 SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME AS ANYONE WHO WORKS WITH HER. 468 00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:42,968 SHE APPROACHED A PROBLEM AS A FRIEND FIRST AND A BOSS SECOND. 469 00:26:43,034 --> 00:26:49,274 AFTER THE FIRST SCANDAL, I WASN'T EVEN 12 WEEKS PREGNANT, I 470 00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:54,079 WAS CARRYING ANTHONY'S CHILD, AND IT WAS SUCH A SHOCK TO MY 471 00:26:54,145 --> 00:26:57,415 SYSTEM, SHE FLEW MY FAMILY IN SO THEY COULD BE THERE WITH ME. 472 00:26:57,482 --> 00:27:07,492 >> Stephen: THAT'S HOVLYIVEIVE L KNOW THAT YOU HAVE THAT. 473 00:27:07,559 --> 00:27:08,593 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU MAY HAVE 474 00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:10,528 COVERED THIS IN THE BOOK. 475 00:27:10,595 --> 00:27:11,896 >> I'M SURE I DID, BUT GO AHEAD. 476 00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:15,367 >> Stephen: IT'S MANY WORDS -- MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK. 477 00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:19,471 ( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT DID YOU AND SECRETARY 478 00:27:19,537 --> 00:27:25,176 CLINTON EVER DISCUSS IF SHE HAD BEEN ELECTED IN 2016 WHETHER YOU 479 00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:26,878 WOULD BE CHIEF OF STAFF? 480 00:27:26,945 --> 00:27:28,480 >> OH, GOD, NO. 481 00:27:28,546 --> 00:27:29,547 >> Stephen: WHY NOT? 482 00:27:29,614 --> 00:27:34,719 HE WAS NOT PRESUMPTUOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, AND I DON'T 483 00:27:34,786 --> 00:27:37,088 THINK I WAS QUALIFIED TO BE CHIEF OF STAFF. 484 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:38,823 DO YOU THINK I WAS? 485 00:27:38,890 --> 00:27:39,491 NO. 486 00:27:39,557 --> 00:27:42,127 >> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT TAKE? 487 00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:43,194 RON KLAIN. 488 00:27:43,261 --> 00:27:47,966 >> Stephen: WHAT DOES A HE HAVE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE? 489 00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:51,903 HE CAN KLAIN-SPLAIN THINGS BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW. 490 00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:53,104 >> I DON'T LOOK THAT OLD. 491 00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:58,109 I JUST STARTED COLORING MY HAIR LAST WEEK, REALLY, FOR YOUR 492 00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:58,877 SHOW. 493 00:27:58,943 --> 00:28:00,678 >> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD, GOOD COLOR. 494 00:28:00,745 --> 00:28:03,481 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I HAVE BEEN TO MORE DEBATE 495 00:28:03,548 --> 00:28:05,517 PREPS WITH RON KLAIN THAN I CAN REMEMBER. 496 00:28:05,583 --> 00:28:09,387 I WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHEN TONY BLINKEN WAS THE HIPSTER 497 00:28:09,454 --> 00:28:19,531 NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR DATING THE RYAN. 498 00:28:19,597 --> 00:28:21,633 WE WOULD RUN INTO -- >> Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE 499 00:28:21,699 --> 00:28:24,569 TAKEN THE JOB IF IT HAD BEEN OFFERED TO YOU? 500 00:28:24,636 --> 00:28:26,204 >> THAT'S A HYPOTHETICAL. 501 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:30,275 >> Stephen: ANSWER IT. 502 00:28:30,341 --> 00:28:31,109 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I DON'T KNOW. 503 00:28:31,176 --> 00:28:33,078 I MEAN -- >> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW? 504 00:28:33,144 --> 00:28:34,079 NO, PROBABLY NOT. 505 00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:36,581 >> Stephen: IS IT SUPERSTITIOUS. 506 00:28:36,648 --> 00:28:37,582 >> IT IS. 507 00:28:37,649 --> 00:28:40,285 I'M SURE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BIG ENOUGH FOR ME. 508 00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:46,057 >> Stephen: NOT A BIG ENOUGH JOB? 509 00:28:46,124 --> 00:28:49,661 ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 510 00:28:49,727 --> 00:28:50,595 HERE. 511 00:28:50,662 --> 00:28:51,162 THE BOOK, "BOTH/AND" IS AVAILABLE TOMORROW. 512 00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:52,464 HUMA ABEDIN, EVERYBODY! 513 00:28:52,530 --> 00:28:55,066 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID BYRNE. 514 00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:57,001 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 515 00:29:06,177 --> 00:29:09,614 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 516 00:29:09,681 --> 00:29:13,818 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 517 00:29:13,885 --> 00:29:16,054 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 518 00:29:16,121 --> 00:29:22,961 MY NEXT GUEST IS A GRAMMY, TONY, AND ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ARTIST 519 00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:24,229 WHO IS IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME. 520 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:26,498 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," DAVID BRYNE! 521 00:29:26,564 --> 00:29:36,541 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 522 00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:43,414 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 523 00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:45,783 >> Stephen: IT'S AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. 524 00:29:45,850 --> 00:29:46,851 >> THANK YOU. 525 00:29:46,918 --> 00:29:49,187 >> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE. 526 00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:52,090 YOU'RE LOOKING PARTICULARLY DISTINGUISHED WITH THE TBRE AND 527 00:29:52,157 --> 00:29:52,590 THE TURTLENECK. 528 00:29:52,657 --> 00:29:53,158 >> OH, YES. 529 00:29:53,224 --> 00:29:54,692 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 530 00:29:54,759 --> 00:29:58,263 I HAVE BECOME THAT PERSON. 531 00:29:58,329 --> 00:30:01,099 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE GREY HAIR AND 532 00:30:01,166 --> 00:30:01,399 TURTLENECK? 533 00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:01,933 >> Y E. 534 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:02,867 >> Stephen: VERY GOOD. 535 00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:06,804 ( LAUGHTER ) LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, 536 00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:10,909 MARCH 2018, FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE AT HOME, YOU HAD 537 00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:15,113 JUST RELEASED THE ALBUM "AMERICAN UTOPIA." 538 00:30:15,180 --> 00:30:17,081 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SINCE THEN, WORLD TOUR, TURNED 539 00:30:17,148 --> 00:30:20,518 INTO A BROADWAY SHOW AND A FILM DIRECTED BY SPIKE LEE. 540 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:22,287 HERE'S THE -- THERE HE IS. 541 00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:26,858 YOU'RE AT THE ST. JAMES THEATER. 542 00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:30,495 DID YOU -- LAST TIME WE TALKED, THIS DIDN'T EXIST YET. 543 00:30:30,562 --> 00:30:33,164 DID YOU IMAGINE IT TO BE A BROADWAY SHOW? 544 00:30:33,231 --> 00:30:34,199 >> NO. 545 00:30:34,265 --> 00:30:38,169 >> Stephen: HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT, DAVID BYRNE? 546 00:30:38,236 --> 00:30:40,371 >> WELL, STEPHEN COLBERT -- ( LAUGHTER ) 547 00:30:40,438 --> 00:30:44,275 -- IT HAPPENED -- I HEARD SOME BROADWAY PRODUCER SAW THE SHOW 548 00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:48,580 WHEN WE WERE FIRST HERE ON THE SHOW AROUND ABOUT THAT TIME. 549 00:30:48,646 --> 00:30:49,814 >> Stephen: YEAH. 550 00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:54,219 AND THEY PLANTED THE SEED AND SAID WE THINK THE SHOW COULD GO 551 00:30:54,285 --> 00:30:55,653 TO BROADWAY. 552 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:56,588 THEN SILENCE. 553 00:30:56,654 --> 00:30:59,424 I ASKED, WELL, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? 554 00:30:59,490 --> 00:31:00,625 CAN I MEET THEM? 555 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:05,897 >> Stephen: WERE THESE JUST VOICES IN THE NIGHT? 556 00:31:05,964 --> 00:31:09,067 ( LAUGHTER ) PUT YOUR EAR TO A COCONUT SHELL 557 00:31:09,133 --> 00:31:12,303 AND HEARD, BROADWAY, BROADWAY! 558 00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:13,438 YES? 559 00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:15,640 >> I KEPT THINKING ABOUT IT WHILE WE WERE ON TOUR AND I 560 00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:18,910 THOUGHT, WHAT DO YOU THINK, WHAT TUNING? 561 00:31:18,977 --> 00:31:23,748 THEN EVENTUALLY I THOUGHT, NO, THIS IS REAL. 562 00:31:23,815 --> 00:31:24,749 I THINK I COULD DO THIS. 563 00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:26,851 >> Stephen: THE TOUR COMES TO YOU. 564 00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:28,152 >> RIGHT, NOW THE AUDIENCE COMES TO ME. 565 00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:30,722 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MIND MEAN 566 00:31:30,788 --> 00:31:37,662 THIS SHOW OR ANY SHOW AS A TOUR AND DOING IT AS A BROADWAY SHOW? 567 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:41,633 EVEN THE FILM OF THIS, WHICH IS SO DYNAMIC, I REALLY ENJOYED 568 00:31:41,699 --> 00:31:43,401 WATCHING THE FILM OF THIS. 569 00:31:43,468 --> 00:31:48,906 THEN AGAIN, STOP MAKING SENSE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST 570 00:31:48,973 --> 00:31:49,674 DOCUMENTARIES OF ALL TIME. 571 00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:52,377 HOW ARE THEY SIMILAR AND DIFFERENT? 572 00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:57,382 >> WELL, WITH A CONCERT, FOR US AT LEAST -- LUCKY FOR US -- THE 573 00:31:57,448 --> 00:32:01,653 AUDIENCE IS USUALLY UP AND DANCING BY THE THIRD SONG OR SO, 574 00:32:01,719 --> 00:32:05,023 AND THEN THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, HAVING A GREAT TIME. 575 00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:10,895 I CAN'T STOP AND TALK BECAUSE IF I DID, THEY WOULD BE, LIKE, JUST 576 00:32:10,962 --> 00:32:13,665 KEEP -- KEEP THE MUSIC COMING. 577 00:32:13,731 --> 00:32:14,265 >> Stephen: SURE. 578 00:32:14,332 --> 00:32:15,066 THAT'S KIND OF WHAT WE DO. 579 00:32:15,133 --> 00:32:17,135 WE TALK A LITTLE BIT BUT NOT MUCH. 580 00:32:17,201 --> 00:32:20,738 ON BROADWAY, YOU REALIZE, NO, YOU HAVE TO KIND OF EASE THEM 581 00:32:20,805 --> 00:32:21,539 INTO IT. 582 00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,074 THEY'VE GOT SOME REALLY COMFY SEATS. 583 00:32:23,141 --> 00:32:25,310 >> Stephen: YEAH. 584 00:32:25,376 --> 00:32:29,480 AND THEY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS YOU'RE ABOUT AND WHAT 585 00:32:29,547 --> 00:32:32,984 IS YOU ARE DOING AND ARE YOU TELLING A STORY HERE. 586 00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:36,054 THEY'RE REALLY PAYING ATTENTION BUT THEY DON'T GET UP AND DANCE 587 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:36,888 RIGHT AWAY. 588 00:32:36,954 --> 00:32:38,756 THEY DO EVENTUALLY BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY. 589 00:32:38,823 --> 00:32:43,561 SO WE HAD TO GET USED TO IT BEING, OKAY, THEIR HEADS ARE 590 00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:46,297 NODDING, THEY LIKE IT. 591 00:32:46,364 --> 00:32:49,901 >> Stephen: WELL, WHILE BROADWAY WAS CLOSED AND COVID 592 00:32:49,967 --> 00:32:53,004 WAS HAPPENING, YOU RETURNED TO AN EARLIER LOVE OF YOURS, WHICH 593 00:32:53,071 --> 00:32:53,838 IS DRAWING HERE. 594 00:32:53,905 --> 00:32:55,073 >> Y E, I DID. 595 00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:57,208 >> Stephen: AND I WANT TO HOLD UP A COUPLE OF THE DRAWINGS, AND 596 00:32:57,275 --> 00:32:59,377 YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE CALLED. 597 00:32:59,444 --> 00:33:01,846 YOU KNOW THESE NAMES IF I -- >> NO, BUT I CAN READ. 598 00:33:01,913 --> 00:33:05,750 >> Stephen: SURE. 599 00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:06,951 HERE'S ONE. 600 00:33:07,018 --> 00:33:08,519 IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE BACK. 601 00:33:08,586 --> 00:33:11,789 >> OH, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE BACK. 602 00:33:11,856 --> 00:33:12,357 BIG. 603 00:33:12,423 --> 00:33:14,392 OH, "WHAT LIES BENEATH." 604 00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:18,730 OH, NOW IT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT? 605 00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:19,931 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS ONE HERE, I 606 00:33:19,997 --> 00:33:21,199 LIKE THIS ONE A LOT. 607 00:33:21,265 --> 00:33:26,404 >> THIS ONE IS CALLED "LIVIN' IN MY HEAD." 608 00:33:26,471 --> 00:33:28,973 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT KIND OF LOOKS 609 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,208 LIKE YOU. 610 00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:31,909 >> THANK YOU. 611 00:33:31,976 --> 00:33:35,980 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT DIDN'T WE ALL FOR A WHILE 612 00:33:36,047 --> 00:33:36,581 THERE? 613 00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:41,686 >> Stephen: KIND OF, YEAH. 614 00:33:41,753 --> 00:33:44,455 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS IS A FAN 615 00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,289 FAVORITE. 616 00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:46,457 GO AHEAD. 617 00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:49,360 >> WELL, YOU KNOW, THESE KIND OF THINGS HAPPENED DURING THE 618 00:33:49,427 --> 00:33:53,197 PANDEMIC WHEN WE WERE ALL LOCKED INTO HOME AND THIS ONE'S CALLED 619 00:33:53,264 --> 00:34:00,271 "THERE'S A PIMPLE ON MY ASS." 620 00:34:00,338 --> 00:34:01,172 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 621 00:34:01,239 --> 00:34:05,243 >> Stephen: READY FOR HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE. 622 00:34:05,309 --> 00:34:07,879 ( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO A SONG 623 00:34:07,945 --> 00:34:09,147 FOR US TONIGHT. 624 00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:10,148 >> YES. 625 00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:11,582 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU PERFORMING FOR TONIGHT? 626 00:34:11,649 --> 00:34:14,118 CAN YOU TELL US WHAT WE'RE DOING TONIGHT? 627 00:34:14,185 --> 00:34:19,891 >> YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO DO AN OLD SONG CALLED "I ZIMBRA." 628 00:34:19,957 --> 00:34:24,095 I WE CONTEXTUALIZE IT BUT TELLING A STORY AND 629 00:34:24,162 --> 00:34:24,962 REINTRODUCING IT IN A WAY. 630 00:34:25,029 --> 00:34:27,432 THE WORDS ARE COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL. 631 00:34:27,498 --> 00:34:30,435 >> Stephen: AS YOU SAID BEFORE, AT A CONCERT OF YOUR 632 00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:34,372 MUSIC, IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO KEEP FROM DANCING, IN MY 633 00:34:34,439 --> 00:34:35,339 OPINION. 634 00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:36,941 I HAVE HURT MY BACK, AS I HAVE SAID AT THE TOP. 635 00:34:37,008 --> 00:34:38,609 YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ME SAY THAT. 636 00:34:38,676 --> 00:34:39,844 >> YES. 637 00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,914 >> Stephen: YOU ARE FAMOUS FOR YOUR NONTRADITIONAL DANCE MOVES. 638 00:34:42,980 --> 00:34:47,452 AND I'M CURIOUS IF YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR SOMEONE WHO 639 00:34:47,518 --> 00:34:52,089 CANNOT MOVE THEIR ARMS MUCH AND WHOSE HEAD AND TORSO HAVE TO 640 00:34:52,156 --> 00:34:54,725 STAY TOGETHER WHEN THEY MOVE. 641 00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:55,693 >> CAN YOU STAND UP? 642 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,496 >> Stephen: I CAN STAND UP. 643 00:34:58,563 --> 00:34:59,764 HERE'S ONE. 644 00:34:59,831 --> 00:35:06,370 JON, CAN WE HAVE JUST A LITTLE GROOVE? 645 00:35:06,437 --> 00:35:09,307 ( GROOVE BEAT ) >> THIS IS CALLED POLISH THE 646 00:35:09,373 --> 00:35:09,774 PLATES. 647 00:35:09,841 --> 00:35:13,044 >> Stephen: OKAY. 648 00:35:13,110 --> 00:35:14,212 THAT'S GOOD, I CAN DO THAT. 649 00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:17,148 >> YOU CAN SEE WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM. 650 00:35:17,215 --> 00:35:24,355 ( CHEERING ) HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. 651 00:35:24,422 --> 00:35:26,057 ANYBODY CAN DO THIS. 652 00:35:26,123 --> 00:35:26,557 STOP THE TRAFFIC. 653 00:35:26,624 --> 00:35:27,158 >> Stephen: OKAY. 654 00:35:27,225 --> 00:35:29,694 AND GO TO THE OTHER SIDE! 655 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,697 LET THAT OLD LADY CROSS THE STREET! 656 00:35:32,763 --> 00:35:42,907 DON'T G LET THAT KID GET HIT! 657 00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:46,878 ♪♪ ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME ) 658 00:35:46,944 --> 00:35:50,181 >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE BY "AMERICAN UTOPIA" 659 00:35:50,248 --> 00:35:52,517 BY DAVID BYRNE AND THE THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA"! 660 00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:53,885 DAVID BYRNE, EVERYBODY! 661 00:35:53,951 --> 00:35:55,019 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 662 00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:07,598 >> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING 663 00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:10,234 "I ZIMBRA," DAVID BYRNE AND THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA." 664 00:36:10,301 --> 00:36:19,644 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 665 00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:25,750 MY FRIEND BRIAN ENO SUGGESTED WE USE A POEM BY A DADA ARTIST FOR 666 00:36:25,816 --> 00:36:30,588 THE LYRICS FOR THIS NEXT SONG. 667 00:36:30,655 --> 00:36:31,589 I KNEW OF A DADA ARTIST NAMED KURT SCHWITTERS. 668 00:36:31,656 --> 00:36:35,059 HE RECORDED A NONSENSE POEM IN 1932. 669 00:36:35,126 --> 00:36:38,229 HE CALLED IT "THE URSONATA." 670 00:36:38,296 --> 00:36:39,997 SCHWITTERS AND THESE OTHER ARTISTS WERE USING NONSENSE TO 671 00:36:40,064 --> 00:36:44,001 SCHWITTERS AND THESE OTHER ARTISTS WERE USING NONSENSE TO 672 00:36:44,068 --> 00:36:48,606 MAKE SENSE OF A WORLD THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. 673 00:36:48,673 --> 00:36:55,246 TO HELP CLARIFY, HERE'S A LITTLE OF THE URSONATA: 674 00:36:55,313 --> 00:37:01,719 FÜMMS BÖ WÖ TÄÄ ZÄÄ UU, UU ZEE TEE WEE BEE FÜMMS. 675 00:37:01,786 --> 00:37:03,254 RAKETE RINNZEKETE RAKETE RINNZEKETE 676 00:37:03,321 --> 00:37:06,891 RAKETE RINNZEKETE RAKETE RINNZEKETE 677 00:37:06,958 --> 00:37:08,225 RAKETE RINNZEKETE RAKETE RINNZEKETE 678 00:37:08,292 --> 00:37:09,527 BEEEEE BÖ 679 00:37:09,594 --> 00:37:13,130 BÖ BÖ 680 00:37:13,197 --> 00:37:15,266 RAKETE RINNZEKETE BEEEEE 681 00:37:15,333 --> 00:37:19,337 IT GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR 40 MINUTES. 682 00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:22,840 ( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER DADA ARTIST HUGO BALL 683 00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:26,377 SAID THAT THEIR ARTISTIC AIMS WERE "TO REMIND THE WORLD THAT 684 00:37:26,444 --> 00:37:35,219 THERE ARE PEOPLE OF INDEPENDENT MINDS BEYOND WAR AND NATIONALISM 685 00:37:35,286 --> 00:37:38,189 WHO LIVE FOR DIFFERENT IDEALS." 686 00:37:38,255 --> 00:37:44,195 HUGO BALL'S POEM BECAME THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG. 687 00:37:44,261 --> 00:37:50,201 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 688 00:37:50,267 --> 00:37:55,272 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 689 00:37:55,339 --> 00:38:00,478 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 690 00:38:00,544 --> 00:38:07,284 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 691 00:38:07,351 --> 00:38:09,320 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 692 00:38:09,387 --> 00:38:15,259 ♪ GADJI BERI BIMBA CLANDRIDI LAULI 693 00:38:15,326 --> 00:38:19,296 ♪ LONNI CADORI GADJAM A BIM BERI 694 00:38:19,363 --> 00:38:22,466 ♪ GLASSALA GLANDRIDE E GLASSALA 695 00:38:22,533 --> 00:38:29,373 ♪ TUFFM I ZIMBRA ♪ ♪ ♪ 696 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:32,243 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 697 00:38:32,309 --> 00:38:35,346 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BIM BLASSA GALASSASA 698 00:38:35,413 --> 00:38:41,085 ZIMBRABIM ♪ BLASSA GLALLASSASA 699 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:44,255 ZIMBRABIM ♪ ♪ ♪ 700 00:38:44,321 --> 00:38:50,227 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 701 00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:52,797 ♪ A BIM BERI GLASSALA GRANDRID 702 00:38:52,863 --> 00:38:59,170 ♪ E GLASSALA TUFFM I ZIMBRA 703 00:38:59,236 --> 00:39:02,239 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 704 00:39:02,306 --> 00:39:07,278 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 705 00:39:07,344 --> 00:39:11,315 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 706 00:39:11,382 --> 00:39:16,187 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 707 00:39:16,253 --> 00:39:21,826 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 708 00:39:21,892 --> 00:39:26,230 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ GADJI BERI BIMBA 709 00:39:26,297 --> 00:39:31,268 GLANDRIDI LAULI ♪ LONNI CADORA GADJAM 710 00:39:31,335 --> 00:39:35,239 A BIM BERI ♪ GLASSASA GLANDRID 711 00:39:35,306 --> 00:39:39,243 E GLASSALA ♪ TUFFM I ZIMBRA ♪ 712 00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:47,218 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 713 00:39:47,284 --> 00:39:50,254 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 714 00:39:50,321 --> 00:39:56,227 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 715 00:39:56,293 --> 00:40:01,332 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 716 00:40:01,398 --> 00:40:08,239 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 717 00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:20,985 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU! 718 00:40:21,051 --> 00:40:24,688 "AMERICAN UTOPIA" IS ON BROADWAY AT THE ST. JAMES THEATRE. 719 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:27,258 DAVID BYRNE AND THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA," EVERYBODY. 720 00:40:27,324 --> 00:40:33,297 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 721 00:40:33,364 --> 00:40:34,965 WILL BE MICHAEL C. HALL AND MICHAEL ERIC DYSON. 722 00:40:35,032 --> 00:40:38,035 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.