>> THOUSANDS OF NEW YORK CITY FIREFIGHTERS OBSERVE MEDICAL
LEAVE IN AN APPARENT PROTEST AGAINST THE CITY'S VACCINE MAN
DATE.
>> 2000FDNY EMPLOYEES CALLING OUT SICK OVER THE PAST WEEK
CAUSING A NUMBER OF FIRE DEPARTMENT ENGINE COMPANIES TO
BE TAKEN OUT OF SERVICE.
THE FIRE COMMISSIONER SAYING IRRESPONSIBLE BOGUS SICK LEAVE
BY SOME OF OUR MEMBERS IS CREATING A DANGER FOR
NEW YORKERS AND THEIR FELLOW FIREFIGHTERS.
( RINGING ) >> PATROL.
HEY, RIDER.
I'M SICK.
GOING TO STAY IN BED TODAY.
>> YOU REALIZE THIS IS A VIDEO CALL, RIGHT?
( DIAL TONE ) >> MARSHALL?
I MEANT TO SAY I CAN'T COME IN BECAUSE I'M TAKING MANY I DOG
TO THE VET.
>> YOU ARE A DOG.
IS THIS ABOUT YOUR RABIES SHOT?
>> HE'S AN ANTI-VAXXER.
I'M NOT TAKING IT.
I DON'T WANT MY BALLS TO SWELL UP.
>> YOU GOT NEUTERED YEARS AGO.
WHAT HAVE I BEEN LICKING?
ADVENTURE BAY NEEDS YOUR HELP.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET VACCINATED.
>> SCREW ADVENTURE BAY.
I'M NOT GETTING VACCINATED.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?
>> HE'S GOT IT, MR. FINCH, HE'S GOT THE RABIES.
( GROWLING ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, THE SUM OF ALL FEARS.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES HUMA ABEDIN!
DAVID BYRNE!
AND A PERFORMANCE FROM BROADWAY'S "AMERICAN UTOPIA,"
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THANK
YOU, EVERYBODY!
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN TONIGHT'S SHOW, FOR TONIGHT'S
SHOW, JUST FAIR WARNING, CARDS ON THE TABLE, YOU MIGHT NOTICE
I'M GOING TO BE MOVING A LITTLE GINGERLY THIS EVENING.
THIS WEEKEND I THREW MY BACK OUT EXERCISING.
I'M AGAINST IT.
HAPPY DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: IT WAS A NICE
HALLOWEEN.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE DAY TO HAVE THE DEAD, ALL
SAINTS DAY, ALSO KNOWN AS WHERE AM I GOING TO STORE A 12-FOOT
SKELETON DAY.
NOW, I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, BY THE WAY, THE DOG IN THE COLD
OPEN, HE'S FINE.
HE'S GONE TO FIGHT FIRES AT A FARM UPSTATE.
HE'S ABSOLUTELY GOING TO BE FINE.
NOW, DESPITE MY BACK, I HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN AFTER LAST
YEAR'S HALLOWEEN LOCKDOWN.
IT WAS REALLY NICE TO HAVE REGULAR TRICK OR TREATERS COME
TO THE DOOR THIS YEAR.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
>> LITTLE KIDDOS CAME BY.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD SOME COME BY?
I LOVED SEEING THE GHOSTS, GHOULIES, PRINCESSES AND
PRINCES, FIVE-YEAR-OLD SPIDER-MAN WITH DISTURBING
MUSCLE DEFINITION.
I LOVED GIVING OUT CANDY BUT THERE ARE PROTOCOL ISSUES LAST
NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD THIS EXPERIENCE, I OPENED THE DOOR,
AND THE KIDS WOULD JUST SAY, HI!
WHICH WAS NICE, THEY'RE BEING FRIENDLY.
AND I WOULD SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
AND THEY'D GO -- PLEASE?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT.
IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
KIDS, IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT, AND YOU WIN EVERY NEGOTIATION,
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO SAY TRICK OR TREAT AND YOU GET CANDY,
HALLOWEEN.
YOU SAY TRICK-OR-TREAT, I DON'T GIVE YOU CANDY, LEGALLY YOU
GET TO BURN MY HOUSE DOWN.
IT'S IN THE FINE PRINT ON THE BACK OF A MILKY WAY BAR.
APPARENTLY, NOT EVERYONE WAS IN THE OOKY-SPOOKY HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
TAKE BILLIONAIRE AND "SQUID GAME" SEASON TICKET HOLDER, JEFF
BEZOS.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT IN D.C., A GROUP OF
TRICK-OR-TREATERS DECIDED TO HIT UP BEZOS' MANSION, "ONLY TO BE
TOLD BY A MAN ON AN INTERCOM THAT THEY WERE "NOT
PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN."
( BOOING ) WOW!
NOT PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN?
THEN WHY DID HE SPEND ALL YEAR COSTUMED AS PANIC PETE THE
SQUEEZE TOY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE THE BEZOS HOUSE WASN'T DOING HALLOWEEN BECAUSE JEFF
WASN'T HOME.
HE'S OVERSEAS, CELEBRATING BILL GATES' 66TH BIRTHDAY PARTY IN
A SECLUDED TURKISH COVE.
BEZOS DIDN'T GET GATES A GIFT, BUT HE DID GIVE HIM THIS CARD:
"YOU'RE TURNING 66!
NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR BIRTHDAY."
( LAUGHTER ) GATES HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF
CRITICISM FOR THIS PARTY, BECAUSE WHILE HE'S BEEN A BIG
PROPONENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL ACTION, HE STILL TRANSPORTED HIS
50 GUESTS BY HELICOPTER FROM HIS $2 MILLION-A-WEEK RENTAL YACHT
"LANA."
BUT KEEP IN MIND, ON THE HELICOPTER THEY USED PAPER
STRAWS, SO...
( LAUGHTER ) ALL WASHES OUT IN THE END.
BEZOS STAYED ON HIS OWN YACHT, WHICH HE FLEW BACK AND FORTH TO
IN HIS PRIVATE HELICOPTER.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A PICTURE OF BEZOS' HELICOPTER.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE ) PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO ABROAD
THIS WEEKEND ON A EUROPEAN TOUR.
HE GOT EXCITED TO GO AFTER HE SAW ONE OF THOSE VIKING RIVER
CRUISE COMMERCIALS.
BIDEN'S FIRST STOP WAS THE VATICAN, WHERE HE MET WITH
SUPREME PONTIFF POPE FRANCIS, SEEN HERE ON HOLD WITH THE HOLY
CABLE PROVIDER.
BIDEN HAS GOTTEN FLACK FROM RIGHT-WING CATHOLIC BISHOPS FOR
BEING PRO-CHOICE, BUT DURING THE MEETING, THE POPE SAID HE SHOULD
KEEP RECEIVING COMMUNION, AND CALLED BIDEN "A GOOD CATHOLIC."
THAT'S LEGIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LEGIT.
THAT'S THE STAMP OF APPROVAL RIGHT THERE.
THE POPE TELLING YOU YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC IS LIKE A BEAR
TELLING YOU YOU'RE GOOD AT POOPING IN THE WOODS.
( LAUGHTER ) NICELY DONE.
NICE GROUPING.
MUCH OF BIDEN'S VISIT WAS CONFIDENTIAL, BUT PARTS WERE
BROADCAST ON VATICAN TELEVISION HOME OF HIT SHOWS LIKE "SAY YES
TO THE VESTMENT," "THE PRODIGAL BROTHERS," AND "BOB COVETS
ABISHOLA."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN IT WAS TIME TO SAY GOODBYE,
THE PRESIDENT HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE HOLY FATHER.
>> GOD LOVE YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
YEAH, HE DOES.
PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE PAPAL JOB DESCRIPTION ON LINKEDIN.
"GOD LOVE YOU.
MUST BE GOOD WITH CROWDS, SOME LATIN REQUIRED.
5-10 YEARS WAVING EXPERIENCE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFTER BREAKING BREAD WITH HIS
HOLINESS, BIDEN STAYED IN ROME TO MEET WITH LEADERS FROM THE
WORLD'S TOP TWENTY ECONOMIES IN THIS YEAR'S G-20, WHICH WAS
THEIR FIRST IN-PERSON SUMMIT SINCE THE PANDEMIC.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE PEOPLE IN PERSON POST-PANDEMIC IS ALWAYS
AWKWARD.
IT EXPLAINS THE G-20 ITINERARY: SEE ANOTHER WORLD LEADER
APPROACHING, WONDER IF THEY'RE GOING FOR A HANDSHAKE, NOTICE
THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY COMING IN FOR A HUG, HUG THEM, ONLY TO
REALIZE THAT MAYBE THEY WEREN'T, AND YOU JUST MADE IT
AWKWARD, CALL OUT THE FACT THAT YOU MADE IT AWKWARD AND JOKE
ABOUT HOW YOU'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS
SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE?
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T KNOW.
CLIMATE CHANGE WAS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS ON THE AGENDA, AND
THE G-20 LEADERS TOOK A BOLD STAND, PLEDGING TO ACHIEVE
GLOBAL NET ZERO GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS BY OR AROUND
MID-CENTURY.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY URGENT.
IT'S LIKE CALLING 9-1-1 AND HAVING THE OPERATOR TELL
YOU THE E.M.T.S WILL BE THERE SOMETIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF
NOON AND THE FUNERAL.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SAD.
SAD STORY, ISN'T IT?
THE SUMMIT WRAPPED UP WITH A GROUP OF LEADERS SYMBOLICALLY
TOSSING COINS INTO ROME'S TREVI FOUNTAIN.
NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN GLOBAL COOPERATION HAS REACHED THE
STAGE OF "WISH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REFLECT ON
THE WEEKEND, AND HE STARTED IT THE MOST JOE BIDEN WAY POSSIBLE:
>> PLEASE SIT DOWN.
I APOLOGIZE FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING.
WE WERE, UH, PLAYING WITH ELEVATORS.
( LAUGHS ) LONG STORY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "YEAH, JACK, WE WERE PLAYING THE
ELEVATOR GAME: THE ONE WHERE YOU SEE SOMEONE COMING, SO YOU GO TO
PRESS 'DOOR OPEN' BUT HIT THE DOOR CLOSE, YOU PANIC AND TRY TO
PRESS THE 'DOOR OPEN' AGAIN AND ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE ALARM BELL
AND NOW YOU'RE TALKING WITH THE FIREMAN IN THE TALK BOX.
LEARN ALL THE CURSE WORDS IN ITALIAN.
YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE, GIACAMO.
TOLD YOU IT WAS A LONG STORY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A REPORTER ASKED BIDEN ABOUT HIS
LOW APPROVAL RATING, AND HE SHRUGGED IT OFF:
>> THE POLLS ARE GOING TO GO UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN.
>> STEPHEN: PRETTY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF HIS POLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, A PRETTY ACCURATE
DESCRIPTION OF HIS ELEVATOR GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) FROM ITALY, BIDEN FLEW TO
GLASGOW FOR THE U.N. CLIMATE CONFERENCE KNOWN AS COP26.
IN HONOR OF THE 26TH YEAR THEY COP OUT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT
CLIMATE CHANGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE STAKES ARE SUPER HIGH FOR
THE PLANET, SO MUCH SO THAT YOUNG ACTIVISTS ARE CALLING
COP26 THE "LAST CHANCE FOR HUMANITY."
NARROWLY BEATING OUT OTHER CHEERY NAMES LIKE "HOPE YOU CAN
SWIM," "WHY HAVE KIDS?," AND-- (LONG SIGH)
THE CONFERENCE IS BEING HOSTED BY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND
"SESAME STREET" MUPPET LEARNING THAT SNACKS ARE EVEN BETTER WHEN
YOU SHARE, BORIS JOHNSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FRIENDLY.
VERY FRIENDLY.
>> Stephen: JOHNSON OPENED WITH A CINEMATIC METAPHOR.
>> WELCOME TO GLASGOW.
AND TO SCOTLAND, WHOSE MOST GLOBALLY FAMOUS FICTIONAL SON IS
ALMOST CERTAINLY A MAN CALLED JAMES BOND.
WHO GENERALLY COMES TO THE CLIMAX OF THESE HIGHLY LUCRATIVE
FILMS STRAPPED TO A DOOMSDAY DEVICE, DESPERATELY TRYING TO
WORK OUT WHICH COLORED WIRE TO PULL TO TURN IT OFF, WHILE A RED
DIGITAL CLOCK TICKS DOWN REMORSELESSLY TO A DETONATION
THAT WILL END HUMAN LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, AND WE ARE IN ROUGHLY
THE SAME POSITION, MY FELLOW GLOBAL LEADERS, AS JAMES
BOND.
>> IT'S ONE MINUTE TO MIDNIGHT ON THAT DOOMSDAY CLOCK AND WE
NEED TO ACT NOW.
>> Stephen: WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT MIDNIGHT.
THE SPELL WEARS OFF AND I TURN BACK INTO A PILE OF HAY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS A HUMA ABEDIN AND DAVID BYRNE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, RELATIONSHIPS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL MAKE THIS
QUICK.
FIRST OF ALL, I LIKE THE SWEATERCH THE PROGRESSION OF
COLOR ACROSS YOUR CHEST IS LIKE THE TURNING OF THE FALL LEAVES.
GOLD INTO ORANGE AND BROWN AND WINTER.
I LIKE IT.
>> Jon: EMBODY THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, BABY.
>> Stephen: SECOND, ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE SHOW
THAT WE DO HERE IS WE RUN THE GAMUT.
IT'S A VARIETY SHOW AND THAT GOES TO OUR GUESTS AS WELL.
TONIGHT WE HAVE WORLD TREASURE DAVID BYRNE IS GOING TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS GOING TO SAY AMERICAN
TREASURE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND NOT ONLY THAT, HE IS INTERVIEWING AND
PERFORMING WITH THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A FASCINATING WOMAN IN HER
OWN RIGHT, HUMA ABEDIN, IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
WHO I KNOW PRIMARILY -- I KNOW PRIMARILY FROM HER WORK WITH HER
FORMER HUSBAND AND HILLARY CLINTON, AND THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME SHE'S EVER DONE LATE NIGHT, AND SHE'S GOT A NEW BOOK AND I
CANNOT WAIT TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE REAL WOMAN BEHIND ALL THE
STORIES.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW
I LOVE LOVE.
BUT KIDS TODAY LOVE LOVE A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY DID
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
FROM THEIR TEXTING AND THEIR SNAPCHATTING, TO THEIR TINDERS
AND THEIR GRINDRS, THE WAY YOUNG PEOPLE COURT HAS CHANGED.
FOR INSTANCE: NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 70 SAYS "COURT" ANYMORE.
THE YOUTHS HAVE NEW TERMS FOR EVERY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, AND
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY AMOROUS SEGMENT:
♪♪ >> "ROMANSPLAINING WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: IT'S FALL, WHICH APPARENTLY MEANS SOMETHING
CALLED "CUFFING SEASON" IS UPON US AGAIN.
I KNOW, I KNOW, ANOTHER NEW TERM FROM THE KIDS.
BELIEVE ME, I DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER UNTIL I LOWKEY YEETED
MYSELF SO EXTRA THAT I WAS SNATCHED RIGHT UP MY CHEUGY.
NOW I'M A SUS ZADDY WHO'S ALWAYS SPILLIN' THE TEA, NO CAP.
EVIDENTLY, CUFFING IS WHEN "PEOPLE START TO GET INTO MORE
SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS, TYING SOMEONE DOWN INTO COMMITMENT, AT
LEAST UNTIL THE WEATHER HEATS UP AGAIN."
WHICH SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE JUST USING YOUR PARTNER TO KEEP WARM,
BUT IT'S STILL NOT AS BAD AS "TAUN-TAUNING," WHICH IS WHEN
YOU CATCH A CHILL, SO YOU CUT THEM OPEN AND CRAWL INSIDE THEIR
CARCASS UNTIL SPRING.
BUT SOME PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE CUFFING A PROSPECT, AND THEN
FIND THEMSELVES IN SOMETHING THE KIDS ARE CALLING A
"SITUATIONSHIP," WHICH, I AM TOLD, IS "THE STATE OF CONFUSION
SURROUNDING A COUPLE WHO MAY BE SLEEPING TOGETHER, AND/OR HAVE
ROMANTIC FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER, BUT THEY AREN'T, IN FACT,
TOGETHER."
SO, KIDS, CONGRATS ON YET ANOTHER WAY TO CONFUSE GRANDPA
AT THANKSGIVING.
"SO, TELL ME ABOUT THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE.
OH, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT WITH DAVE?
HE'S JUST YOUR FRIEND?
BUT YOU HAVE 'RELATIONS?' SO, HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND!
NO... BUT YOU LOVE HIM?
YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD...
YOU'RE TOGETHER BUT NOT 'TOGETHER' TOGETHER?
IS THIS A RIDDLE?
I KNOW THIS!
HE HAS TO TAKE THE FOX ACROSS THE RIVER SO THE CHICKEN WON'T
EAT THE GRAIN?
MARCIA, HELP ME, I'M HAVING A STROKE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST CONFUSING NEW ROMANTIC TERM,
BECAUSE NOW THERE'S "ROACHING," WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE A NEW
ROMANTIC PARTNER, AND YOU'RE "HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU'RE
SEEING MULTIPLE PEOPLE."
EVENTUALLY, YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR COLONY OF LOVERS VIA
RAID ALL THIS ONLY MAKES ME REALIZE
JUST HOW MANY STILL-UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIPS THERE ARE OUT
THERE THAT HAVE NO NAME.
WELL, I AM HERE TO ROMANSPLAIN SOME OF THE MORE HYPER-SPECIFIC
RELATIONSHIP TYPES FOR YOU.
FOR INSTANCE, A "FI-YAWN-CE" IS WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED TO SOMEONE
WHO WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT CRYPTOCURRENCY.
SHE'S NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT BLOCKCHAIN, NO MATTER HOW MANY
TIMES YOU TO EXPLAIN IT.
HEMS-WITH-BENEFITS IS WHEN YOU'RE DATING THE OTHER TWO
HEMSWORTH BROTHERS JUST SO YOU CAN GET TO CHRIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S SETTLING-DOWNY.
THAT'S WHEN YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER BECAUSE HIS APARTMENT
HAS A WASHER-DRYER, BUT YOU'RE FREE TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE ON
NON-LAUNDRY DAYS.
AND FINALLY, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF IN AN "EN-CAGE-MENT,"
WHEN YOU PLAN TO MARRY NICOLAS CAGE IF HE CAN STEAL THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IT FOR "ROMANSPLAINING
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU WHETHER WATCHING THE NEXT
EPISODE OF YOUR CURRENT NETFLIX BINGE WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER IS
CHEATING.
HERE'S A HINT: IT IS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUMA ABEDIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT HAS BEEN
IN PUBLIC SERVICE FOR 25 YEARS AND HAS WORKED AS AN ADVISOR TO
HILLARY CLINTON AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT, AND
DURING TWO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS.
SHE'S WRITTEN A NEW MEMOIR CALLED, "BOTH/AND."
PLEASE WELCOME HUMA ABEDIN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: WELL, UH, HERE IS THE BOOK, "BOTH/AND: A LIFE IN
MANY WORDS ."
>> WORLDS.
>> Stephen: A LIFE IN MANY WORLDS.
>> SEEMS LIKE YOU SPOKE WITH MY EDITOR EARLIER TODAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I KNOW THAT UP
UNTIL A WEEK AGO, YOU HAD NEVER DONE A TV INTERVIEW BEFORE.
>> I HAD NEVER DONE A TV INTERVIEW BEFORE.
>> Stephen: AND THIS IS YOUR FIRST LATE NIGHT APPEARANCE.
>> THIS IS MY FIRST LATE NIGHT APPEARANCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN THEY TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD
AGREED TO HAVE ME ON THE SHOW -- >> Stephen: YES.
-- I ASKED THEM IF YOU KNEW I WASN'T BRINGING HILLARY WITH ME
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE, IT'S JUST ME.
>> Stephen: NO, SHE'S NOT HERE.
THAT'S SORT OF THE INTERESTING THING IS YOU HAVE BEEN -- I
THOUGHT I KNEW YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN AROUND FOREVER, AND
THEN IT SHOCKED ME TO FIND OUT THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU
WERE ACTUALLY GETTING OUT THERE YOURSELF ON THIS SIDE OF THE
CAMERA.
WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE TO YOU BEING IN THE SPOTLIGHT?
>> I LIKE BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA.
>> Stephen: WHY?
BECAUSE FOR ME IT'S ABOUT THE JOB I'M DOING.
I DON'T LIKE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
I WRITE ABOUT IT IN THE BOOK, EVEN AT MY WEDDING I HAD A HARD
TIME UNDERSTANDING I WAS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE BRIDE'S DAY.
>> SO I EXPERIENCED.
BUT I'M NOR COMFORTABLE BEHIND THE SCENES, BUT I DECIDED TO
WRITE THE BOOK AND IN PART BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE HAVE
TOLD MY STORY FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN
PUBLIC SERVICE, AND IF I DON'T TELL MY STORY, SOMEBODY ELSE IS
WRITING MY HISTORY.
AND I REALLY ENJOYED WRITING THE BOOK.
IT WAS AMAZING THERAPY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HERE IT IS AGAIN.
"BOTH/AND," A LIFE IN MANY WORLDS, THANK YOU.
SO YOU WRITE ABOUT TWO FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS,
CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATIONS, YOUR HUSBAND'S BETRAYALS,
ANTI-MUSLIM ATTACKS AND JAMES COMEY.
>> IT'S ALL IN THERE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
LET'S GO TO COMEY FIRST.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO TO REMIND PEOPLE, YOU WERE INTEGRAL -- YOU
WERE PART OF THE STORY OF REOPENING THE INVESTIGATION
AGAINST HILLARY BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR FORMER HUSBAND'S LAPTOP
THAT HAD BEEN UNCOVERED AND HAD BEEN SEARCHED AND FOUND E-MAILS
FROM YOU AND SECRETARY CLINTON ON HIS LAPTOP THAT COMEY SAID,
OH, I'VE GOT TO LOOK INTO THIS BEFORE I SAY THIS IS A REALLY
CLOSED INVESTIGATION.
WHAT IS THAT MOMENT LIKE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THIS POTENTIALLY
DAMAGING NEWS IS COMING OUT AND THAT WANT YOU ARE, THROUGH NO
FAULT OF YOUR OWN, AT THE HEART OF THAT STORY?
>> WELL, THAT I WRITE ABOUT IN GREAT DETAIL IN THE BOOK AND, IN
THAT MOMENT, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS THAT I
FELT THAT IT WAS SELFSH TO FEEL ANYTHING.
I WAS IN SUCH SHOCK AND SO -- YOU KNOW, YOU IMMEDIATELY GO
INTO PROBLEM SOLVING.
BUT I DON'T THINK I HAD ANY FEELINGS.
I THINK I NUMBED MYSELF AND JUST MISSION.
I MEAN, THOSE LAST DAYS LEADING UP TO NOVEMBER 8th, AS I WRITE
IN GREAT DETAIL IN THE BOOK, I HAD ALL THESE OTHER THINGS GOING
ON, I HAD ALL KINDS OF INVESTIGATIONS GOING ON.
I SAID, I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE TILL NOVEMBER 8.
I WROTE IN MY DIARY THE LAST WEEK, HELP MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW
IF I'LL GET THROUGH THIS.
BUT I DID.
>> Stephen: YOU WORKED FOR HILLARY CLINTON 25 YEARS?
>> 25 YEARS.
I WAS 21 YEARS OLD WHEN I WALKED INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT FEELING, CAN YOU IMAGINE?
I STILL REMEMBER AND GET GOOSEBUMPS, THAT FEELING WALKING
INTO THAT MANSION, WALKING DOWN THAT RED CARPET, VERY SIMILAR TO
YOURS, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: LIKE THAT'S A MISTAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> UP THOSE MARBLE STEPS.
YOU KNOW, I WRITE THE SCENE IN THE BOOK WHERE THE FIRST TIME AS
AN INTERN, YOU KNOW, HILLARY CLINTON, WHO WAS FIRST LADY, HAD
ME GREET THE PRIME MINISTER OF BANGLADESH, I WAS ONE OF THE FEW
MUSLIM INTERNS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M STANDING IN THE CENTER OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
HOUSE IN THE WORLD.
YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE THESE EXPERIENCES UP.
IT WAS JUST AWE-INSPIRING.
IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.
>> Stephen: WE'LL TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE HUMA ABEDIN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "BOTH/AND," A NEW BOOK BY HUMA
ABEDIN.
YOU WENT ON TO BECOME A DEAR FRIEND OF SECRETARY CLINTON'S,
AND I'M WONDERING, WHAT WAS THAT WAS PUT ON THAT FRIENDSHIP,
GIVEN THE SCANDAL THAT YOUR HUSBAND BROUGHT TO YOU?
I KNOW IN 2013 THAT YOU DEFENDED YOUR HUSBAND, AND DID YOU THINK
AT THAT MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH SECRETARY CLINTON WAS OVER?
>> NO, BECAUSE I -- >> Stephen: YOU NEVER WORRIED
ABOUT THAT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THINKING YOU WERE GOING TO GET CANNED?
>> NO, BECAUSE I KNOW HILLARY CLINTON.
( APPLAUSE ) AND THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER IN
MY BOOK CALLED HILLARY-LAND.
AND AS I SAY, HILLARY-LAND IS A CLUB THAT COMES WITH LIFETIME
MEMBERSHIP, AND I JOINED THAT CLUB IN 1996.
AND IT'S NOT JUST ME, THERE'S A VERY BROAD GROUP OF US, POSTALLY
WOMEN, BUT THERE ARE MEN IN THE CLUB, TOO.
WITH THAT FEELING -- I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THE FIRST
PART OF THE BOOK IS ABOUT GROWING UP IN SAUDI ARABIA, AND
ONE OF THE THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE WAY I GREW UP IS I WAS
SURROUNDED BY A VERY LOVING COMMUNITY, WE CALL IT THE UMA IN
MUSLIM COMMUNITIES.
I FOUND THAT SENSE OF COMMUNITY IN HILLARY-LAND.
SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME AS ANYONE WHO WORKS WITH HER.
SHE APPROACHED A PROBLEM AS A FRIEND FIRST AND A BOSS SECOND.
AFTER THE FIRST SCANDAL, I WASN'T EVEN 12 WEEKS PREGNANT, I
WAS CARRYING ANTHONY'S CHILD, AND IT WAS SUCH A SHOCK TO MY
SYSTEM, SHE FLEW MY FAMILY IN SO THEY COULD BE THERE WITH ME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOVLYIVEIVE L KNOW THAT YOU HAVE THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU MAY HAVE
COVERED THIS IN THE BOOK.
>> I'M SURE I DID, BUT GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: IT'S MANY WORDS -- MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT DID YOU AND SECRETARY
CLINTON EVER DISCUSS IF SHE HAD BEEN ELECTED IN 2016 WHETHER YOU
WOULD BE CHIEF OF STAFF?
>> OH, GOD, NO.
>> Stephen: WHY NOT?
HE WAS NOT PRESUMPTUOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, AND I DON'T
THINK I WAS QUALIFIED TO BE CHIEF OF STAFF.
DO YOU THINK I WAS?
NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT TAKE?
RON KLAIN.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES A HE HAVE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE?
HE CAN KLAIN-SPLAIN THINGS BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
>> I DON'T LOOK THAT OLD.
I JUST STARTED COLORING MY HAIR LAST WEEK, REALLY, FOR YOUR
SHOW.
>> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD, GOOD COLOR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I HAVE BEEN TO MORE DEBATE
PREPS WITH RON KLAIN THAN I CAN REMEMBER.
I WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHEN TONY BLINKEN WAS THE HIPSTER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR DATING THE RYAN.
WE WOULD RUN INTO -- >> Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE
TAKEN THE JOB IF IT HAD BEEN OFFERED TO YOU?
>> THAT'S A HYPOTHETICAL.
>> Stephen: ANSWER IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN -- >> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW?
NO, PROBABLY NOT.
>> Stephen: IS IT SUPERSTITIOUS.
>> IT IS.
I'M SURE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BIG ENOUGH FOR ME.
>> Stephen: NOT A BIG ENOUGH JOB?
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
THE BOOK, "BOTH/AND" IS AVAILABLE TOMORROW.
HUMA ABEDIN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID BYRNE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A GRAMMY, TONY, AND ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ARTIST
WHO IS IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," DAVID BRYNE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: IT'S AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
YOU'RE LOOKING PARTICULARLY DISTINGUISHED WITH THE TBRE AND
THE TURTLENECK.
>> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
I HAVE BECOME THAT PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE GREY HAIR AND
TURTLENECK?
>> Y E.
>> Stephen: VERY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE,
MARCH 2018, FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE AT HOME, YOU HAD
JUST RELEASED THE ALBUM "AMERICAN UTOPIA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SINCE THEN, WORLD TOUR, TURNED
INTO A BROADWAY SHOW AND A FILM DIRECTED BY SPIKE LEE.
HERE'S THE -- THERE HE IS.
YOU'RE AT THE ST. JAMES THEATER.
DID YOU -- LAST TIME WE TALKED, THIS DIDN'T EXIST YET.
DID YOU IMAGINE IT TO BE A BROADWAY SHOW?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT, DAVID BYRNE?
>> WELL, STEPHEN COLBERT -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- IT HAPPENED -- I HEARD SOME BROADWAY PRODUCER SAW THE SHOW
WHEN WE WERE FIRST HERE ON THE SHOW AROUND ABOUT THAT TIME.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND THEY PLANTED THE SEED AND SAID WE THINK THE SHOW COULD GO
TO BROADWAY.
THEN SILENCE.
I ASKED, WELL, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
CAN I MEET THEM?
>> Stephen: WERE THESE JUST VOICES IN THE NIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) PUT YOUR EAR TO A COCONUT SHELL
AND HEARD, BROADWAY, BROADWAY!
YES?
>> I KEPT THINKING ABOUT IT WHILE WE WERE ON TOUR AND I
THOUGHT, WHAT DO YOU THINK, WHAT TUNING?
THEN EVENTUALLY I THOUGHT, NO, THIS IS REAL.
I THINK I COULD DO THIS.
>> Stephen: THE TOUR COMES TO YOU.
>> RIGHT, NOW THE AUDIENCE COMES TO ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MIND MEAN
THIS SHOW OR ANY SHOW AS A TOUR AND DOING IT AS A BROADWAY SHOW?
EVEN THE FILM OF THIS, WHICH IS SO DYNAMIC, I REALLY ENJOYED
WATCHING THE FILM OF THIS.
THEN AGAIN, STOP MAKING SENSE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST
DOCUMENTARIES OF ALL TIME.
HOW ARE THEY SIMILAR AND DIFFERENT?
>> WELL, WITH A CONCERT, FOR US AT LEAST -- LUCKY FOR US -- THE
AUDIENCE IS USUALLY UP AND DANCING BY THE THIRD SONG OR SO,
AND THEN THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, HAVING A GREAT TIME.
I CAN'T STOP AND TALK BECAUSE IF I DID, THEY WOULD BE, LIKE, JUST
KEEP -- KEEP THE MUSIC COMING.
>> Stephen: SURE.
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT WE DO.
WE TALK A LITTLE BIT BUT NOT MUCH.
ON BROADWAY, YOU REALIZE, NO, YOU HAVE TO KIND OF EASE THEM
INTO IT.
THEY'VE GOT SOME REALLY COMFY SEATS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND THEY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS YOU'RE ABOUT AND WHAT
IS YOU ARE DOING AND ARE YOU TELLING A STORY HERE.
THEY'RE REALLY PAYING ATTENTION BUT THEY DON'T GET UP AND DANCE
RIGHT AWAY.
THEY DO EVENTUALLY BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY.
SO WE HAD TO GET USED TO IT BEING, OKAY, THEIR HEADS ARE
NODDING, THEY LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHILE BROADWAY WAS CLOSED AND COVID
WAS HAPPENING, YOU RETURNED TO AN EARLIER LOVE OF YOURS, WHICH
IS DRAWING HERE.
>> Y E, I DID.
>> Stephen: AND I WANT TO HOLD UP A COUPLE OF THE DRAWINGS, AND
YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE CALLED.
YOU KNOW THESE NAMES IF I -- >> NO, BUT I CAN READ.
>> Stephen: SURE.
HERE'S ONE.
IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE BACK.
>> OH, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE BACK.
BIG.
OH, "WHAT LIES BENEATH."
OH, NOW IT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS ONE HERE, I
LIKE THIS ONE A LOT.
>> THIS ONE IS CALLED "LIVIN' IN MY HEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT KIND OF LOOKS
LIKE YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DIDN'T WE ALL FOR A WHILE
THERE?
>> Stephen: KIND OF, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS IS A FAN
FAVORITE.
GO AHEAD.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, THESE KIND OF THINGS HAPPENED DURING THE
PANDEMIC WHEN WE WERE ALL LOCKED INTO HOME AND THIS ONE'S CALLED
"THERE'S A PIMPLE ON MY ASS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: READY FOR HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO A SONG
FOR US TONIGHT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU PERFORMING FOR TONIGHT?
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT WE'RE DOING TONIGHT?
>> YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO DO AN OLD SONG CALLED "I ZIMBRA."
I WE CONTEXTUALIZE IT BUT TELLING A STORY AND
REINTRODUCING IT IN A WAY.
THE WORDS ARE COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL.
>> Stephen: AS YOU SAID BEFORE, AT A CONCERT OF YOUR
MUSIC, IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO KEEP FROM DANCING, IN MY
OPINION.
I HAVE HURT MY BACK, AS I HAVE SAID AT THE TOP.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ME SAY THAT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE FAMOUS FOR YOUR NONTRADITIONAL DANCE MOVES.
AND I'M CURIOUS IF YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR SOMEONE WHO
CANNOT MOVE THEIR ARMS MUCH AND WHOSE HEAD AND TORSO HAVE TO
STAY TOGETHER WHEN THEY MOVE.
>> CAN YOU STAND UP?
>> Stephen: I CAN STAND UP.
HERE'S ONE.
JON, CAN WE HAVE JUST A LITTLE GROOVE?
( GROOVE BEAT ) >> THIS IS CALLED POLISH THE
PLATES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD, I CAN DO THAT.
>> YOU CAN SEE WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM.
( CHEERING ) HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
ANYBODY CAN DO THIS.
STOP THE TRAFFIC.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AND GO TO THE OTHER SIDE!
LET THAT OLD LADY CROSS THE STREET!
DON'T G LET THAT KID GET HIT!
♪♪ ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME )
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE BY "AMERICAN UTOPIA"
BY DAVID BYRNE AND THE THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA"!
DAVID BYRNE, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING
"I ZIMBRA," DAVID BYRNE AND THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
MY FRIEND BRIAN ENO SUGGESTED WE USE A POEM BY A DADA ARTIST FOR
THE LYRICS FOR THIS NEXT SONG.
I KNEW OF A DADA ARTIST NAMED KURT SCHWITTERS.
HE RECORDED A NONSENSE POEM IN 1932.
HE CALLED IT "THE URSONATA."
SCHWITTERS AND THESE OTHER ARTISTS WERE USING NONSENSE TO
MAKE SENSE OF A WORLD THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
TO HELP CLARIFY, HERE'S A LITTLE OF THE URSONATA:
FÜMMS BÖ WÖ TÄÄ ZÄÄ UU, UU ZEE TEE WEE BEE FÜMMS.
RAKETE RINNZEKETE RAKETE RINNZEKETE
BEEEEE BÖ
BÖ
RAKETE RINNZEKETE BEEEEE
IT GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR 40 MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER DADA ARTIST HUGO BALL
SAID THAT THEIR ARTISTIC AIMS WERE "TO REMIND THE WORLD THAT
THERE ARE PEOPLE OF INDEPENDENT MINDS BEYOND WAR AND NATIONALISM
WHO LIVE FOR DIFFERENT IDEALS."
HUGO BALL'S POEM BECAME THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ GADJI BERI BIMBA CLANDRIDI LAULI
♪ LONNI CADORI GADJAM A BIM BERI
♪ GLASSALA GLANDRIDE E GLASSALA
♪ TUFFM I ZIMBRA ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ BIM BLASSA GALASSASA
ZIMBRABIM ♪ BLASSA GLALLASSASA
ZIMBRABIM ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ A BIM BERI GLASSALA GRANDRID
♪ E GLASSALA TUFFM I ZIMBRA
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ GADJI BERI BIMBA
GLANDRIDI LAULI ♪ LONNI CADORA GADJAM
A BIM BERI ♪ GLASSASA GLANDRID
E GLASSALA ♪ TUFFM I ZIMBRA ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU!
"AMERICAN UTOPIA" IS ON BROADWAY AT THE ST. JAMES THEATRE.
DAVID BYRNE AND THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA," EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE MICHAEL C. HALL AND MICHAEL ERIC DYSON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.