>> AHEAD OF THIS HALLOWEEN
WEEKEND, A WARNING ABOUT CANNABIS PRODUCTS MADE TO LOOK
LIKE POPULAR SNACK FOODS AND CANDY.
THE CONCERN HERE IS THE ILLEGAL PRODUCTS COME IN DECEPTIVELY
DESIGNED BAGS.
NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL TISH JAMES IS URGING PARENTS TO MAKE
SURE THAT THEY DON'T END UP IN CHILDREN'S HANDS.
>> AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL
ASSOCIATION FOR DRUG-FREE KIDS.
>> IT CAN BE EASY TO CONFUSE CANNABIS-INFUSED TREATS WITH THE
POPULAR CANDIES THEY'RE MODELED AFTER.
BUT THIS HALLOWEEN, DON'T MAKE THE DIRE MISTAKE OF GIVING WEED
TO A KID.
KEEP IT FOR YOURSELF.
THAT'S DADDY'S CANDY.
YOU SEE, GIVING MARIJUANA TO A CHILD CAN DO IRREPARABLE DAMAGE
TO YOUR NEXT HOME MOVIE NIGHT.
ONE CARELESS MISTAKE COULD LEAD TO THIS: WATCHING A MOVIE ABOUT
HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRID CHILDREN SOBER.
LOOK, NO CHILD SHOULD INGEST T.H.C., BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED
IT.
THEY ALREADY HAVE IMAGINATIONS AND BRIGHT OUTLOOKS ON THE
WORLD, WHILE ALL YOU HAVE IS A DEAD-END JOB, A TROUBLED
RELATIONSHIP, AND A COUPLE OF HOURS TO PLAY "MARIO" WHILE
TRIPPING BALLS ON THE DANK.
SO MAKE NO MISTAKE: PASSING OUT POT AT HALLOWEEN CAN END IN
TRAGEDY, THE TRAGEDY OF HAVING NO WAY TO GET HIGH AT
THANKSGIVING.
THIS HALLOWEEN, BE SMART AND BOGART.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
ELIZABETH BANKS AND JORJA FOX
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HELLO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME.
ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU HAVE BEEN READING THE PAPERS OR
WATCHING THE NEWS YOU'LL KNOW IT WAS YET ANOTHER DAY OF BICKERING
FOR LAWMAKERS TODAY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
THE SUBJECT WAS A PROPOSAL FROM OREGON SENATOR AND SAD BUSINESS
MIME, RON WYDEN.
( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR WYDEN WANTS TO PAY FOR
THE BIDEN AGENDA WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE BILLIONAIRE'S INCOME
NOW THE DETAILS ARE A LITTLE COMPLEX.
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT.
OF BILLIONAIRES, THERE'S THIS THING
CALLED TAXES, AND YOU SHOULD PAY ANY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE PROPOSAL-- ( APPLAUSE )
THE PROPOSAL ONLY AFFECTS PEOPLE WITH $1 BILLION IN ASSETS OR
THOSE EARNING MORE THAN $100 MILLION IN INCOME THREE
YEARS IN A ROW.
OKAY, HERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO SEE IF IT AFFECTS YOU: TAKE YOUR
SPARE SUPER YACHT TO YOUR THIRD HOUSE THAT'S ON THE PRIVATE
ISLAND SHAPED LIKE YOUR OWN HEAD, LOOK IN YOUR GARAGE.
IF THERE ISN'T A SPACESHIP IN THERE, YOU'RE FINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY, YOU
HAD TO DO ALL THAT CALLING IT A "BILLIONAIRE INCOME
TAX" WAS SMART BRANDING BY THE DEMOCRATS, BECAUSE REPUBLICANS
ARE GOING TO SOUND PRETTY OUT OF TOUCH IF THEY OPPOSE IT, WHICH
THEY IMMEDIATELY DID.
( LAUGHTER ) TAKE UTAH SENATOR, AND DAD
TELLING A SPOOKY STORY ABOUT A MAN WITH "ONLY ONE HOOUUUSE!
( LAUGHTER ) MITT ROMNEY.
SEE, CURRENTLY, BILLIONAIRES ONLY PAY TAXES ON THE MONEY THEY
MAKE FROM INVESTMENTS, LIKE STOCK, AFTER THEY SELL THEM.
BUT WYDEN WANTS TO CHANGE THAT, AND ROMNEY THINKS THAT'S BAD
FOR AMERICA.
>> THESE PEOPLE ARE-- THE MULTIBILLIONAIRES ARE GONNA LOOK
AD SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO INVEST IN THE STOCK MARKET,
BECAUSE AS THAT GOES UP, I AM GOING TO GET TAXED.
SO MAYBE I WILL, INSTEAD, INVEST IN A RANCH OR IN PAINTINGS OR
THINGS THAT DON'T BUILD JOBS THAT CREATE A STRONGER ECONOMY.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU ACTUALLY SAYING RANCHES
AND PAINTINGS DON'T CREATE JOBS?
TELL THAT TO GARY'S FINE ART EMPORIUM AND DUDE RANCH.
COME ON IN AND LASSO A PICASSO!
( APPLAUSE ) WRANGLE A CHAGALL, Y'ALL!
ROPE A STEER AND PEEP A VERMEER!
YEEHAW!
THOSE DEAD GUYS COULD DRAW!
( LAUGHTER ) NO WORD ON WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN WITH THIS, EXCEPT THAT JOE MANCHIN IS AGAINST IT, SO
IT'S DEAD.
WHILE NOTHING ON HIS AGENDA WAS GETTING DONE, THE PRESIDENT WAS
IN VIRGINIA YESTERDAY STUMPING IN THE GOVERNOR'S RACE FOR
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE TERRY McAULIFFE, SEEN HERE LOOKING AT
HIS POLL NUMBERS.
THE RACE IS EXTREMELY CLOSE, EXTREMELY CLOSE,
SO BIDEN CAME IN WITH GUNS BLAZIN' AGAINST MCAULIFFE'S
OPPONENT.
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE AND AND JARED KUSHNER CLONE WHERE THEY FILLED
IN THE GAPS WITH FROG D.N.A., GLENN YOUNGKIN.
BIDEN QUESTIONED WHY YOUNGKIN'S SUDDENLY SO SHY ABOUT HIS TIES
TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> HE WON'T ALLOW DONALD TRUMP TO CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN THIS
STATE.
WHAT'S HE TRYING TO HIDE?
IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH TRUMP BEING HERE?
IS HE EMBARRASSED?
>> Stephen: YES, IS HE EMBARRASSED BY THE TANG-FACED,
TROOP-INSULTING FASCIST WITH RACCOON HAIR WHOSE SIGNATURE
SCENT IS BURGER FART?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BIDEN WENT ON TO EXPLAIN HOW
EVEN THOUGH YOUNGKIN APPEARS UNTHREATENING, HE'S STILL
TIED TO EXTREMISM.
>> EXTREMISM CAN COME IN MANY FORMS.
IT CAN COME IN THE RAGE OF A MOB DRIVEN TO ASSAULT-- DRIVE TO
ASSAULT THE U.S. CAPITOL.
IT CAN COME IN A SMILE AND A FLEECE VEST.
>> Stephen: HEY, DON'T DRAG FLEECE VESTS INTO THIS!
AS A MIDDLE-AGED MAN, I CAN TELL YOU IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO
SMILE WHEN YOU'RE SWADDLED IN THE FUZZY EMBRACE OF SOME
PATAGONIA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE NOT TOO HOT, YOU'RE NOT TOO COLD, YOUR CORE IS WARM, BUT
YOUR ARMS ARE FREE TO ROAM.
BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE SHOW LAST NIGHT WAS TERRY McAULIFFE'S
DANCE MOVES!
LOOK AT THAT VANILLA SHAKE!
OKAY, GOVERNOR, MAYBE DANCE LIKE SOMEBODY IS WATCHING.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ISN'T THE ONLY TIME
McAULIFFE HAS BACKED IT UP LIKE A CAMPAIGN BUS.
HE ALSO BOOGIED WITH BARACK, DID WHATEVER THIS IS WITH KAMALA
HARRIS, AND HERE HE IS LAST WEEK ADVERTISING 0% A.P.R. FINANCING
ON ALL NEW HONDA CIVICS.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO!
IT'S A BREAKTHROUGH.
FORTUNATELY, IF McAULIFFE LOSES THE ELECTION, HE CAN ALWAYS GO
BACK TO HIS DAY JOB AS FOUNDER OF THE "FATHER OF THE BRIDE
DANCE ACADEMY."
"I PAID FOR THIS RECEPTION, AND I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!"
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THIS IS NICE, I LIKE SAYING
THIS.
THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS.
LAST NIGHT, AN F.D.A. PANEL OFFICIALLY RECOMMENDED COVID
SHOTS FOR CHILDREN 5 TO 11.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, HEY.
HEY, KIDS, GUESS WHO GETS TO GO TO THE DOCTOR TWICE IN THE SPACE
OF THREE WEEKS?
AND DON'T WORRY, HE WILL STAB YOU!
NOW, PARENTS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME, BUT IT
TOOK A LONG TIME BECAUSE THESE TRIALS WERE THOROUGH.
THE F.D.A. REPORT INCLUDED EVERY CHILD IN THE TRIAL EXPERIENCED,
EVEN IF IT WAS TOTALLY UNRELATED TO THE VACCINE.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE KID SWALLOWED A PENNY.
SO NOW THAT KID IS IMMUNE TO COVID AND VALID FOR ONE WISH IF
YOU TOSS HIM INTO A WELL.
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, TOSS HIM INTO THE WELL.
TOSS HIM INTO THE WELL!
THERE'S ALSO A VACCINE UPDATE FOR ADULTS.
THE C.D.C. ANNOUNCED SOME IMMUNOCOMPROMISED PEOPLE CAN GET
A FOURTH COVID SHOT.
SO FIRST IT WAS "YOU NEED TWO SHOTS."
THEN IT WAS "YOU NEED A BOOSTER."
NOW IT'S "YOU NEED A BOOSTER FOR YOUR BOOSTER."
NEXT, IT'S JUST PUTTING PEOPLE IN THE VAXX BOOTH.
SPEAKING-- SURE, SURE.
SPEAKING OF COVID-- COVID.
IT'S HAD SOME WEIRD, UNPREDICTABLE IMPACTS ON THE
ECONOMY, AND WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT A NEW ONE.
BETWEEN LABOR SHORTAGES AND STUFF SHORTAGES, FOLKS HAVE SEEN
AN ECONOMY-WIDE DECLINE IN SERVICE QUALITY.
FOR EXAMPLE, EVEN THOUGH DISNEY WORLD'S BEEN REOPENED FOR MONTHS
THEY HAVE YET TO RESTART THEIR PARKING LOT TRAM SERVICES,
FORCING VISITORS TO WALK NEARLY A MILE TO ENTER THE PARKS.
OF COURSE, THIS BEING DISNEY, THEY'VE REBRANDED IT "SIMBA'S
BOILING ASPHALT STROLL" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A LOT MORE FUN.
IT'S ACTUALLY MORE FUN THAN YOU THINK.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: THIS INCREASED LEVEL OF SUCKING IS HAPPENING
EVERYWHERE.
AIRLINES ARE PUTTING CUSTOMERS ON HOLD FOR HOURS, AND DOMINO'S
IS TAKING LONGER TO DELIVER PIZZAS, FORCING AMERICANS TO
WAIT MORE THAN 30 MINUTES FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EVEN HIGHWAY REST STOPS ARE STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP THE
SAME LEVEL OF SERVICE THAT THEY HAD BEFORE.
AND KEEP IN MIND, THE LEVEL OF SERVICE THEY HAD BEFORE WAS
"EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE A URINAL CAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS PROBLEM IS A TWO-WAY
STREET, BECAUSE FREQUENT SURVEYS SUGGEST THAT RUDE SHOPPERS
COULD BE FUELING THE LABOR SHORTAGE.
"WELL, WHO CONDUCTED THAT SURVEY?
I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THEIR MANAGER.
NO ONE CALLS ME RUDE, AND FURTHERMORE, NO YOU CALM DOWN
OH, YOU'RE VIDEOTAPING?
I'LL VIDEOTAPE YOU, TOO.
THAT'S FINE.
LOOK, WE'RE BOTH DOING IT.
NO, NO, WRONG, NO.
UH-UH!
UH-HUH!
NO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE INTERNET FAMOUS."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY, I SNAPPED.
NOW, FOLKS I WANT TO LAY MY CARDS ON THE TABLE HERE.
I LOVE WORDS.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE PART OF READING.
AFTER SITTING.
AND NOW THERE'S EVEN MORE OF THEM, BECAUSE TODAY
MERRIAM-WEBSTER ANNOUNCED THE ADDITION OF 455 NEW WORDS AND
MEANINGS.
THAT'S SO MANY!
I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH THE ONES WE ALREADY HAVE.
LIKE, DID YOU KNOW "RAVEL" AND "UNRAVEL" MEAN THE SAME THING?
THAT'S INSANE.
OR SANE, SINCE EVERYTHING MEANS THE SAME THING NOW!
SOME OF THE NEW WORDS ARE COVID-RELATED, LIKE
"SUPERSPREADER," "BREAKTHROUGH," AND "VACCINE PASSPORT."
DO WE REALLY HAVE TO ADD THOSE DEPRESSING WORDS TO THE
DICTIONARY?
THAT FEELS SO PERMANENT.
CAN'T WE JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, LIKE WE
DID WITH SCURVY, GAUCHO PANTS, OR "SPACE JAM 2"?
BUT THERE'S FUN-- YOU LIKE THE "SPACE JAM" OVER THERE?
YOU LIKE THE "SPACE JAM 2"?
WE FOUND THE AUDIENCE.
IT'S JOHN LAMPELY ON TRUMPET.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO WANTS TO GO SEE IT.
LOVED IT?
BUT THERE'S FUN NEW WORDS, TOO.
OTHER ENTRANTS INCLUDE DAD BOD, AIR FRYER, AND
FLUFFERNUTTER.
WHICH IS A CRAZY COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE THE REASON THAT I HAVE A
DAD BOD IS THAT I AIR FRY WAY TOO MUCH FLUFFERNUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- NO, YOU CALM DOWN!
IN AIRPORT NEWS-- ALSO KNOWN AS HUDSON NEWS-- DELTA AIRLINES IS
LAUNCHING NEW FACIAL- RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY FOR
SECURITY LINES WITH THE T.S.A.
BAD NEWS FOR SMUGGLERS WHO HIDE COCAINE IN THEIR CHEEKS.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
WHEN CUSTOMERS PASS THROUGH SECURITY, THEIR IMAGE IS TAKEN,
ENCRYPTED, AND SENT TO U.S.
CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION'S FACIAL BIOMETRIC MATCHING
SERVICE.
SO, NOW THEY'LL HAVE A PERMANENT RECORD OF YOUR FACE AT ITS BEST:
AFTER YOU WOKE UP AT 4:00 A.M., YELLED AT YOUR KIDS, AND STRESS
ATE A CINNABON OVER A TRASH CAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S ALSO-- THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS BREAKING?
THERE'S ALSO A BREAKING CRIME STORY.
BECAUSE THIS WEEK, AUTHORITIES SEIZED WHALE POOP WORTH
$1 MILLION.
WHOA!
WHALE POOP IS WORTH A MILLION DOLLARS?
THAT EXPLAINS THAT SCENE IN "MOBY DICK":
>> NOW HEAR ME, YOU ARE TO LOOK FOR A WHITE WHALE AND BRING ME
HIS DOO-DOO!
I'M-A MAKE IT RAIN!
>> Stephen: NOW, WHY IS WHALE POOP SO EXPENSIVE?
TURNS OUT IT'S A VALUABLE INGREDIENT IN PERFUMES.
YES, YOU CAN FIND IT IN SCENTS SUCH AS CHANEL NUMBER 2, AND
DINGLEBERRY.
AND WHO CAN FORGET THIS ICONIC DIOR AD:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> AND YOU?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR WHALE POOP!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TO BE FAIR-- TO BE
FAIR-- SURE.
( APPLAUSE ) TO BE FAIR, THERE IS SOME DEBATE
ABOUT WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY POOL.
BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED
"AMBERGRIS," AND THERE ARE CONFLICTING OPINIONS AS TO HOW
AMBERGRIS EMERGES FROM THE WHALE.
SOME BELIEVE IT PASSES ALONG WITH FECAL MATTER, WHILE
OTHERS THINK THAT THE WHALE REGURGITATES THE MASS AS WHALE
VOMIT.
WELL, WHICH IS IT?
I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S PUKE OR POOP BEFORE I SPRITZ IT ON MY
PULSE POINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ELIZABETH BANKS AND "CSI: VEGAS" STAR JORJA FOX,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HOTTEST NEW TREND IN ALCOHOL IS
MORE ALCOHOL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
JON, I GOT TO POINT OUT-- I GOT TO POINT OUT TWO THINGS, TWO
QUICK THINGS.
ONE IS I'M VERY EXCITED OF OUR GUESTS TONIGHT, ELIZABETH BANKS
AND JORJA FOX.
VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
THE SECOND THING IS THAT, JON, I NEED YOU TO CALM ME DOWN HERE,
BECAUSE-- AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHY-- I HAVE A SUDDEN
FEELING THAT THE LORD IS ABOUT TO CALL ME HOME
♪ AMEN ♪ >> Stephen: PERHAPS ACROSS THE
RIVER JORDAN.
WHY ARE THERE ANGELS ON THE STAND WITH YOU TONIGHT?
THEY SOUND AMAZING, BUT I'D LOVE TO BE INFORMED
( APPLAUSE ).
>> OH, YES.
FROM MY HEART... WE HAVE-- WE'VE BEEN PLAYING FOR THE ALBUM, AND
I HAVE SINGERS WITH THE IRREPESSIBLE JOY, TAMARA, DE Z,
AND SUSAN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE.
OF THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IN THESE TROUBLING AND DIVISIVE TIMES,
THERE'S ONE THING ALL AMERICANS CAN AGREE ON: WE COULD USE A
DRINK.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, NEARLY ONE IN FIVE
AMERICANS IS CONSUMING AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL."
WHICH IS WHY I SWITCHED TO CARLO ROSSI: YOU BURN A LOT OF
CALORIES HOISTING THAT JUG TO YOUR MOUTH.
I'VE GOT HUGE BICEPS AND SIGNIFICANT SHORT-TERM MEMORY
LOSS.
WELCOME BACK.
HI, JON.
ELIZABETH BANKS IS HERE!
>> Jon: YES!
ELIZABETH BANKS IS IN THE HOUSE!
>> Stephen: WELL, IN RESPONSE TO THIS GROWTH IN THE GUZZLE
SECTOR, ALL SORTS OF UNEXPECTED BRANDS HAVE STARTED LAUNCHING
THEIR OWN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES, SO MUCH SO THAT, ACCORDING TO
INDUSTRY EXPERTS, LINES ARE BLURRING ACROSS THE BEVERAGE
INDUSTRY.
WARNING: IF YOUR LINES ARE BLURRING, YOU MAY HAVE HAD TOO
MUCH BEVERAGE INDUSTRY.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, FOLKS, I AM A HUGE FAN OF
BOTH TRENDS AND ALCOHOL, SO I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT BOTH IN MY
SEGMENT "BOOZE NEWZ."
>> EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT...
>> BOOZE NEWZ!
>> Stephen: IN BOOZE NEWS, THE FAST-FOOD CHAIN SONIC IS TURNING
ITS SLUSHES INTO HARD SELTZER FLAVORS-- PERFECT FOR WHEN YOU
WANT TO GO TO SONIC BUT ALSO WANT TO FORGET YOU WENT TO
SONIC.
THE HARD SELTZERS SHOWCASE ALL YOUR FAVORITE SONIC SLUSH
FLAVORS, LIKE CHERRY LIMEADE, MANGO GUAVA, AND OCEAN WATER.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU GET A MOUTHFUL OF OCEAN WATER,
THE FIRST THING YOU THINK IS, "MORE OF THAT, PLEASE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS FOR
ANYONE WHO EVER SAID, "I WISH THIS WINE TASTED LIKE MUSTARD,"
BECAUSE GREY POUPON HAS INTRODUCED A WINE MADE WITH
MUSTARD SEEDS.
OH SURE, WHEN GREY POUPON DOES IT, IT'S "HIGH CONCEPT," BUT
WHEN I DUNK MY HOTDOG IN A BUCKET OF WINE, IT'S A "CRY FOR
HELP," AND I'M "ASKED TO LEAVE THE STADIUM."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: NEXT UP IN THE DECANTER, PEPSI HAS PARTNERED
WITH BOSTON BEER COMPANY TO CREATE AN ALCOHOLIC MOUNTAIN DEW
CALLED HARD MTN DEW.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT, JUST M-T-N.
THE VOWELS WERE ALL LOST IN A CUSTODY BATTLE.
NOW, YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, "STEVE, ARE YOU BEING FAIR?
ISN'T IT KIND OF NORMAL FOR FOOD AND BEVERAGE COMPANIES TO LAUNCH
ALCOHOL BRANDS?" WELL, SOME SUPER-WEIRD COMPANIES
ARE POPPIN' THE CORK ON ALCOHOL- BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES, LIKE THE
HALLMARK CHANNEL, FAMOUS FOR THEIR HOLIDAY MOVIES LIKE
"CHRISTMAS NEXT DOOR," "A PRINCESS FOR CHRISTMAS," AND
"A SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS."
SHE SNORTS A RAIL OF GROUND-UP JIMMY CHOOS.
IT'S SAD.
WELL, NOW THE HALLMARK CHANNEL IS LAUNCHING A HALLMARK CHANNEL
WINE CLUB THAT DELIVERS ON THE HALLMARK CHANNEL LIFESTYLE.
AND BASED ON THEIR MOVIES, I ASSUME IT'S ALL WHITES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THIS-- ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THIS BOOZE-NANZA HAS GOT ME THINKING: I LIKE DRINKING AND
MAKING MONEY AND MAKING MONEY FROM DRINKING, WHICH IS WHY I'M
PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE NEW "LATE SHOW WINE CLUB."
REMEMBER: IT'S ALWAYS 11:30 SOMEWHERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "THE LATE SHOW" WINES--"
"LATE SHOW WINES" PAIR PERFECTLY WITH OUR SHOW.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY OUR MONOLOGUE MERLOW.
IT'S TOPICAL, WITH NOTES OF POP CULTURE REFERENCES YOUNG STAFF
MEMBERS HAD TO EXPLAIN TO ME...
CHEUGY.
AND FOR SOMETHING LIGHTER TRY OUR PINOT GUESTIO.
AM I TALKING TO ELIZABETH BANKS TONIGHT?
DRINK ENOUGH OF THIS, AND YOU'LL THINK YOU ARE, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) SIGN UP FOR "THE LATE SHOW WINE
CLUB" TODAY.
WHY JUST WATCH TV, WHEN YOU CAN STREAM IT RIGHT INTO YOUR
MOUTH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELIZABETH BANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
YES, SIR!
THAT'S A LITTLE EXTRA SOMETHING.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND DIRECTOR
YOU KNOW FROM "MRS. AMERICA," "THE HUNGER GAMES," AND "PITCH
PERFECT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," ELIZABETH BANKS!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ NIGHT AND DAY
NIGHT AND DAY ♪ >> WOW!
THEY ARE ANGELS!
>> Stephen: HELLO.
ISN'T THAT NICE THAT WE HAD THEM ON JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT.
>> LADIES!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE BEEN
IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE SINCE COVID.
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
>> I AM AFRAID.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OF HOW YOU'LL
REACT?
>> OF EVERYONE BREATHING.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE ALL VACCINATED.
ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DUNKED IN PURELL BEFORE THEY'RE ALLOWED
IN.
>> AND THEY LAUGH WHEN YOU TALK.
IT'S AMAZING.
YEAH, IT'S REALLY -- >> Stephen: ITS NICE.
YOU KNOW THE SHOW IS WORKING BECAUSE THEY MAKE THIS NOISE
WITH THEIR MOUTH.
>> IT'S SO INCREDIBLE TO HAVE INSTANTANEOUS FEEDBACK, ISN'T
IT.
>> Stephen: LISTEN, YOU'RE BUILDING AN EMPIRE.
YOU'RE AN ACTOR, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, GAME SHOW HOST.
>> "PRESS YOUR LUCK," BABY.
NO WHAMMY.
>> Stephen: BUSINESS EXECUTIVE, AND NOW A PODCAST
HOST.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THE PODCAST IS CALLED "MY BODY, MY PODCAST."
>> "MY BODY, MY PODCAST."
YOU'VE GOT TO NAME A PODCAST, AND IT'S ALWAYS SO-- I'M GOING
TO TALK ABOUT MY BODY IT SHOULD BE CALLED "MY BODY, MY PODCAST."
>> Stephen: SURE.
THAT REMINDS ME OF "OUR BODIES, OURSELVES."
IS THAT BASICALLY THE IDEA?
>> IT IS A LITTLE BIT THAT IDEA.
IT'S A SEX ED PODCAST, A CONTINUING EDUCATION FOR ME
ABOUT SEX AND SEXUALITY, AND ALL THE QUESTIONS I STILL HAVE AS AN
ADULT, AND ALL THE ANSWERS I FELT LIKE I NEEDED BECAUSE I'M A
PARENT OF TWO BOYS WHO ARE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY.
AND I'M UNPREPARED, AS EVERYONE IS.
>> Stephen: NO ONE-- NO ONE IS PREPARED.
>> THEY'RE NOT PREPARED.
>> Stephen: YOU CANNOT BE PREPARED FOR IT.
>> I'M NOT PREPARED.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU HAD THE-- WATCH YOU WHAT CALL IT-- THE
TALK?
>> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT?
>> KIDS HAVE AN INCREDIBLE CURIOSITY ABOUT WHERE THEY'RE
FROM FR VERY EARLY ON AND THEY SEE PREGNANT PEOPLE AND PUPPIES
AND KITTENS, SO THEY KNOW SOME THINGS ABOUT HOW THE WORLD
WORKS.
>> Stephen: MOMENT HAS PUPPIES.
>> AND THEY KNEW THEY HAD A PENIS, AND THEY KNEW I HAD A
VAGINA.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND A VULVA AND UTERUS, AND THEY KNEW THAT THEY WERE PART OF
THEIR DAD AND PART ME, AN EGG AND A SPERM.
SO ALL OF THOSE THINGS HAD BEEN DISCUSSED.
WHEN WE WERE IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AND THE QUESTION CAME, "YES,
YES, MOMMY, BUT HOW DOES THE SPERM GET TO THE EGG?"
I REALIZED, OH, HE'S ASKING ABOUT THE ACT, THE THING.
>> Stephen: AND YOU SAID, WELL, WE'RE AMAZON PRIME SO WE
HAVE TWO-DAY DELIVERY?
THAT'S WHY JEFF BEZOS LOOKS LIKE A SPERM.
>> THAT'S IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S IT.
NO!
>> Stephen: NO?
NO?
SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE THAT?
>> I STRAIGHT UP-- I ACTUALLY EVEN USED THIS GESTURE AT ONE
POINT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, I WONDER
WHETHER CBS IS GOING TO BLUR THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED AND
PUTTING A RING ON SOMEONE'S FINGER.
THAT'S ALL THAT MEANS.
>> THAT IS KIND OF PUTTING A RING ON IT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
>> IT IS, IT IS.
>> Stephen: DID THEY-- >> I DO NOT THINK-- LET ME JUST
SAY THIS RIGHT OFF THE BAT, YOU SHOULD NOT LIE TO YOUR KIDS
ABOUT IT.
IF THEY ASK IT MEANS BECAUSE THEY'RE CURIOUS AND AGE
APPROPRIATE.
YOU SHOULD TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP WHAT IT IS, IF YOU SAY "STORK"
LATER ON THEY'RE GOING TO ASK WHAT ELSE DOES SHE LIE TO ME
ABOUT.
THEY'RE GOING TO FIGURE OUT IT'S NOT STORKS.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T LAY.
I SAID, "ASK YOUR MOM."
IT'S A DIRTY BUSINESS.
>> STEPHEN!
WE HAVE TO GET MORE MEN INVOLVEDLY IN THE CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> BECAUSE ONE OF THE THINGS WE TALK ABOUT--
( APPLAUSE ) ON THE PODCAST --
>> Stephen: YES?
>> IS HOW MUCH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AND MENTION AND HUSBANDS AND
FATHERS AND BROTHERS-- LEAVE TO THE WOMEN IN THEIR LIVES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> SO, YOU KNOW, FOR INSTANCE, LIKE, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO
TALK TO YOUR WIFE-- DO YOU BUY TAMPONS FOR YOUR WITH OF?
>> Stephen: I HAVE, SURE, NOT A BIG DEAL.
>> I HAVE A RULE-- IF HE'S NOT WILLING TO BUY TAMPONS FOR YOU,
KICK HIM OUT OF THE BED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
.>> THINGS LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SAY, YOU KNOW, NAME YOUR BODY PARTS.
THESE WORDS HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE STIGMA AND SHAME ATTACHED TO
THEM, WHICH I FIND, YOU NOW, IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
>> AND THE MORE WE CAN OPEN UP THESE CONVERSATIONS, THE
HEALTHIER, MORE INTIMATE, AND MORE-- MY HOPE IS-- THE MORE
DEEP INTERACTIONS MY SONS ARE GOING TO HAVE WITH OTHER HUMAN
BEINGS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY, THAT'S LOVELY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> SO THAT WAS-- >> Stephen: SO YOU NEED TO
NAME-- >> NAME THE BODY PARTS.
>> Stephen: NAME AND DESHAME.
>> NAME AND DESHAME, GREAT IDEA.
A BIG PARENT THAT DOESN'T GET NAMED FOR WOMEN, WE DO WHAT MY
FRIEND PEGGY ORENSTEIN CALLS A...
HERE'S YOUR NOSE, HERE'S YOUR BELLYBUTTON, HERE'S YOUR KNEES.
AND BOYS HAVE A THING THAT STICKS OUT.
THAT'S YOUR PEE PEE.
THAT'S YOUR PENIS.
GIRLS WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT PART.
SOMETIMES YOU GET A VAGINA.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT?
THE "G" SPOT.
YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT WHERE THE GOOD STUFF IS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
>> YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW-- ( APPLAUSE )
SHOULD WE SAY IT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU CAN OF COURSE YOU CAN?
>> I MEAN, WE CAN ALL SAY CLITORIS TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: GRAPHENBERG.
>> IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE "G" STANDS FOR.
HEY, I'VE READ "PENTHOUSE."
>> WE HAVE AN ENTIRE BIT ON THE PODCAST ABOUT ILLICIT IMAGINARY
AND PORN.
>> Stephen: THINGS YOU CAN'T SHOW EVEN IN PORN?
>> I SUPPOSE NOWADAYS YOU COULD SHOW EVERYTHING.
BUT HOW OUR YOUNG PEOPLE, IF YOU LEAVE SEX ED UP TO, YOU KNOW,
YOUNG PEOPLE, LIKE, IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> THEIR NUMBER ONE TEACHER THESE DAYS IS PORN, PORNOGRAPHY.
AND IT'S SO ACCESSIBLE.
ME, PERSONAL, I'D RATHER THEY HEAR STUFF FROM ME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
>> AND THEY HAVE A REAL LITERACY AROUND IT.
>> Stephen: IT'S FANTASY.
IT'S NOT REALITY.
>> IT'S NOT REAL, EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT RAZOR BURN AT ALL.
>> THEY DO NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN, ELIZABETH AND I WILL START
DRINKING.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "MY BODY, MY PODCAST," ELIZABETH
BANKS.
WERE YOU RAISED VERY OPENLY ABOUT THIS, OR WAS THERE SORT OF
SHAME ASSOCIATED WITH THIS FOR YOU?
>> I SPEAK WITH MY MOM ABOUT THIS ON THE PODCAST, BECAUSE ONE
OF THE THINGS I TALK ABOUT IS HAVING A TRUSTED ADULT IN YOUR
LIFE.
I'M VERY LUCKY I HAD A TRUSTED ADULT IN MY MOM, AND A LITTLE
BIT IN MY DAD, BUT REALLY MY MOM, SHE'S THE OLDEST OF SIX
SISTERS AND ONE BROTHER, SO SEVEN WIDZ.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY INFORMATION GROWING UP, AND I
THINK SHE REALLY FELT LIKE A WAY TO EMPOWER HER DAUGHTERS WAS TO
GIVE THEM REAL INFORMATION AS SOON AS WE WERE READY, AND THEN
SHE SAT US DOWN AND WE WATCHED "THE MIRACLE OF LIFE," NOVA'S
DOCUMENTARY.
IT'S THE MOST-WATCHED DOCUMENTARY OF ALL TIME, STILL
AVAILABLE.
AND JOHN LITHGOW DOES A WONDERFUL VOICEOVER.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND I TO THIS DAY HAVE SEARED IN MY BRAIN THE IMAGE OF
( BLEEP ) INTO THE VAGINAL CANAL AND THE SPERM MAKING THEIR WAY
TO THE EGG, AND YOU CAN HEAR THAT AND WATCH IT ALL RIGHT NOW,
YOU KNOW, WITH JOHN LITHGOW'S WONDERFUL VOICEOVER.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN HEAR IT.
>> YOU CAN LITERALLY HEAR IT.
IT GOES WHOOOSH!
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> DOESN'T IT?
THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT RINGS A BELL.
I WANT TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS, BUT SINCE WE ONLY HAVE A
FEW MORE MINUTES, YOU ARE ALSO A CREATIVE CONSULTANT?
WHAT IS IT?
>> I'M THE CHIEF CREATIVE OFFICER.
>> Stephen: FOR A CANNED WINE COMPANY CALLED "ARCHER ROSE.
>> THIS IS OUR ROSE.
>> Stephen: WHERE DOES THE CREATIVE PART COME IN?
THERE'S WINE, THERE'S A CAN.
I'M CURIOUS.
>> IT SAYS "CURIOUS" RIGHT ON THE BACK.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THIS UPON CHEERS, TO THE CLITORIS.
>> BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT WAS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) "MY BODY, MY PODCAST" IS
AVAILABLE ON AUDIBLE NOW.
ELIZABETH BANKS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "CSI: VEGAS," JORJA FOX.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
>> FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "ER," "THE
WEST WING," AND "CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION."
SHE NOW STARS IN "CSI: VEGAS."
>> MORNING.
HOW YOU FEELING TODAY?
>> OUT TO SEA.
WHICH IS WHERE WE SHOULD BE.
>> I HAVE MY MEETING ARE NORAH CROSS IN AN HOUR.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?
>> SHE LIKES APPLES, HOLDS HER CARDS VERY CLOSE TO THE VEST.
WOULDN'T EVEN SHOW ME THE METHODOLOGY SUPPOSEDLY USED TO
REPLICATE D.N.A. IN 2006.
>> I WISH I HAD MORE TIME IN THAT STORAGE SPACE.
MAYBE WE WOULD KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUY BEHIND THIS.
>> WELL, HODGES LEARNED MORE AT DISCOVERY.
HIS ATTORNEY WILL GET TO SEE EVERYTHING THEY'VE GOT.
>> THAT'S GOING TO BE TOO LATE.
DISCOVERY IS WEEKS AWAY.
IF WE'RE GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OF THESE GUYS FRAMED
HODGES BEFORE TRIAL, WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PACE.
>> THAT WOMAN IS ALREADY SUSPICIOUS OF WHY WE'RE EVEN
HERE.
>> HAVE SOME FAITH.
YOU KNOW HOW PERSUASIVE I CAN BE.
> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME JORJA FOX.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ DON'T STOP BREATHING ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> ARE WE IN HEAVEN?
>> Stephen: WE MIGHT BE.
WE MIGHT BE IN HEAVEN.
>> I MIGHT BE IN HEAVEN.
I REALLY MIGHT BE IN HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
IT'S A THRILL.
I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK IN TWO YEARS.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW, WELCOME BACK.
>> I'M A NEW YORKER AND I'M BACK.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> IT'S MAGIC.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON "CSI" FOR 15 YEARS, AND YOU'RE BACK
FOR A 10-EPISODE RUN, IT LOOKS LIKE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO STEP BACK INTO YOUR CHARACTER OF
SARAH SIDLE AFTER THAT PERIOD OF TIME.
I'M SURE AT A CERTAIN POINT YOU SAID,"I'M HANGING UP MY SPURS."
>> OH, YEAH, WE THOUGHT WE WERE DONE, DONE, DONE.
WE HAD AN AMAZING RUN.
WE HAD A FINALE.
>> Stephen: AND THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL "CSI" THEY CREATED THE
ENTIRE THING.
>> THEY CREATED THIS THING.
AND GIL GRISSOM AND SARAH SIDLE SAILED OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
IT WAS A GREAT WAY TO GO OUT.
AND THE BOOK IS CLOSED, THAT'S IT.
I WAS COMPLETELY SURPRISED AND FLOORED.
I THOUGHT FANS HAD MOVED ON, AUDIENCES.
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS 'CSI' STUFF ANYMORE,"
RIGHT.
AND WE GOT A CALL.
AND IT WAS PERCEIVED AS A 20th ANNIVERSARY, AND WE COULDN'T
SHOOPT IT BECAUSE OF COVID, AND NOW IT'S "CSI: VEGAS."
>> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY SHOOT "CSI: VEGAS" IN VEGAS?
>> SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES.
>> NOT FOR SUPER LONG PERIODS OF TIME, BECAUSE THINGS HAPPEN IN
VEGAS -- >> Stephen: THAT SHOULD STAY
IN VEGAS.
>> THAT SHOULD ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALSO A VERY BUSY CITY.
>> YEAH, AND IT DOESN'T STOP.
>> Stephen: IT'S HARD TO BE LOW KEY THERE.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE YOU SORT OF CLOSE THINGS DOWN AND YOU SHOOT.
YOU SORT OF SHOOT IN THE MIDST OF VEGAS.
CASINOS STAY OPEN, PEOPLE ARE DRINKING, THEY'RE GAMBLING.
>> Stephen: NOW, AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF BEING-- ARE YOU A
FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST?
IS THAT WHAT YOUR CHARACTER IS?
>> I'M SO MUCH SMARTER ON THE SHOW THAN I AM IN REAL LIFE.
I'M A FORENSIC SCIENTIST.
>> Stephen: AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF DOING AND DEAL WITH
THAT JARGON AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR CHARACTER IS SAYING, DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD HAVE ANY CHANCE AT ACTUALLY TRYING TO SOLVE A
CRIME OR, BARRING THAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH
MURDER?
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN THE SHOW
STARTED IN 2000, RIGHT, THE SCIENCE WAS ABSOLUTELY CUTTING
EDGE.
YOU KNOW, EVERY DAY THERE WAS NEW SCIENCE COMING OUT, AND YOU
COULD DETERMINE WITHOUT ANY SHADOW OF DOUBT, WHETHER
SOMETHING HAPPENED OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
AND 21 YEARS AGO, I SAID YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.
IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT.
NOW, 21 YEARS LATER, THE ADVANCEMENTS IN LAST FIVE YEARS
MAKE WHAT WE DID IN 2000 SEEM, YOU KNOW, ELEMENTARY.
SO, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT ANYONE COULD EVER GET AWAY WITH
ANYTHING.
I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD TRY.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
THINK THEY SHOULD TRY.
( APPLAUSE ) WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE?
>> I ALSO WISH THAT WE ACTUALLY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SHOW, RIGHT,
THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE THESE STORIES, YOU KNOW, IF WE LIVED
IN A PEACEFUL WORLD, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THESE AMAZING STORIES TO
TELL, BUT WE DON'T -- >> Stephen: BUT IT'S SUCHAVE
GOOD SHOW.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALMOST WORTH HAVING THE CRIME AT THIS POINT.
>> AND IT'S FUN TRYING TO SOLVE THEM.
>> Stephen: WE BOTH WORK FOR CBS.
DON'T KILL THIS.
YOU'RE A GOOD LEAD-IN.
YOU AND I BOTH ATTENDED THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS'
DINNER AT VARIOUS TIMES.
YOU WERE LAST THERE IN 2000.
>> 2000 WITH "THE WEST THING."
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE NIGHT LIKE?
DID YOU ENJOY IT?
>> IT WAS-- IT WAS DEFINITELY MY CINDERELLA MOMENT.
THERE WAS NO QUESTION.
I CAME FROM A VERY SMALL TOWN.
I DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.
I NEVER IMAGINED IN MY LIFE-- FIRST OF ALL, THAT I WOULD BE
HERE, BUT CERTAINLY THEY WOULD END UP IN D.C. AT THIS DINNER
FOR JOURNALISTS, FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
AND IT CAME UP KIND OF LAST MINUTE.
TE THE ENTIRE CAST OF "WEST WING" WAS THERE SHOOTING THE
SERIES FINALE, AND WE GOT CALLS.
LITERALLY LIKE, "YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO THE BALL."
AND I BROUGHT JEANS AND SNEAKSERS, AND THEY FLEW IN ALL
THESE GOWNS FOR US TO WEAR.
IT WAS MAGIC.
JAY LENO HOSTED IT.
AND IT WAS THE YEAR-- YOU MAY REMEMBER-- THAT BILL CLINTON,
PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON, MADE THIS MOCKUMENTARY ABOUT HIS LAST
DAYS IN OFFICE WHICH WAS REALLY FUNNY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GUYS DO ANY SIGHT SEEING AROUND
WASHINGTON?
>> OH, YES, WE DID.
ACTUALLY ONE DAY-- WE WERE STATIONED-- I WAS PLAYING THE
SECRET SERVICE AGENT TO THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER SO I SPENT
SOME TIME WITH THE SECRET SERVICE, AMAZING PEOPLE.
AND WE WERE SHOOTING VERY CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
AND SEVERAL DAYS, ONE AFTERNOON, BRADLEY WHITFORD, HE'S ON THE
SHOW, PHENOMENAL MAN -- >> Stephen: SURE, JOSH.
>> YES.
AND HE GOT LATE DIALOGUE.
AARON SORKIN SOMETIMES HAS GREAT IDEAS.
HE WAS OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE AND IN HIS SUIT, TOOK HIS JACKET
OFF, WAS RUNNING HIS LINES AS WE DO SOMETIMES, TALKING TO
HIMSELF, EMOTING, PUTTING IT INTO MOVEMENT.
AND THE SECRET SERVICE TOTALLY DESCENDED ON HIM AND TOOK HIM IN
AND THOUGHT HE WAS A MAD MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY LET HIM GO.
>> Stephen: DID AARON SORKIN HAVE TO GO AND SPRING HIM?
>> THEY FIGURED IT OUT PRETTY QUICKLY THAT THERE HAD BEEN A
MISTAKE.
THEY WERE DOING THEIR JOB.
THANK GOD THEY WERE KEEPING THE WHITE HOUSE SAFE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE ESSENTIAL QUESTION HERE,
BECAUSE, AGAIN, THERE ARE TWO GREAT CBS CRIME-SOLVING
FRANCHISES HERE.
THERE'S "CSI" AND "NCIS."
IF THOSE TWO-- >> I FEEL THIS IS A SETUP.
>> Stephen: IF YOU "CSI" PEOPLE FAWPT THE "NCIS" PEOPLE,
WHO WOULD WIN?
>> WELL, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT "CSI" WOULD WIN, YOU
KNOW, WE DON'T CARRY GUNS.
WE HAVE MAGNIFYING GLASSES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YOU KNOW, WE'RE FLAWED HEROES.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> THAT SOLVE CRIMES WITH OUR MINDS AND OUR HEARTS, AND THEY'D
TOTALLY KICK OUR BUTS.
>> Stephen: THEY HAVE LL COOL JAY.
>> THEY DO, THEY HAVE FLAK JACKETS AND BIG GUNS.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU ANSWER THIS: WHY IS THERE SO MUCH NAVAL
CRIME?
IT'S NAVAL CRIME INVESTIGATIVE SERVICE.
WHY WHY IS THERE SO MUCH NAVAL CRIME IN LOS ANGELES?
>> I'VE ASKED MYSELF THAT QUESTION.
>> Stephen: NO ONE CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR ME.
>> YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF CRIME THERE?
>> Stephen: JORJA IT IS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU THERE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "CSI: VEGAS" AIRS WEDNESDAYS AT 10:00 ON CBS AND
IS STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT+.
IT'S JORJA FOX, EVERYBODY!
>> CHAIRMAN IS THE SELECT COMMITTEE TO INVESTIGATE THE
JANUARY 6 ATTACK AWARE OF THE "ROLLING STONE" REPORT, IF ONLY
BECAUSE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENWAS SPRINTING AROUND THE HOLOCAUST
MUSEUM BRAGGING DID IT.
>> SARAH, WE CERTAINLY ARE AWARE OF THE REPORT, AND OUR A POUR
PART OF OUR INVESTIGATION IS TO FIND OUT WHAT ROLE ANYBODY
PLAYED IN THE PLANNING AND CONDUCTING THAT ATTACK ON
JANUARY 6.
ON A VERY NONPARTISAN BASIS WE'RE DETERMINED TO GET TO THE
PROOF, AND NO ONE IS ABOVE OUR EXAMINATION.
>> I WILL SAY THIS REPORT IS SUSPECT CONSIDERING IT DOESN'T
MAIM THE HOUSE REPUBLICAN WHO EVERY NIGHT STUFFS HIS MOUTH
WITH SOCKS SO HE DOESN'T ADMIT TO ANYTHING IN HIS SLEEP, JIM
JORDAN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JOHN LEGUIZAMO AND
THOMASIN McKENZIE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T PUT ON TOO MUCH, YOU JUST WALK THROUGH,
LIKE THAT.