1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:03,870 >> HE ONCE APOLOGIZED FOR SAYING THE EARTH WAS FLAT. 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:07,807 NOW N.B.A. STAR KYRIE IRVING IS SAYING GOOD-BYE TO ABOUT HALF OF 3 00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:12,112 HIS $35 MILLION SALARY AND A SHOT AT A CHAMPIONSHIP BECAUSE 4 00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:15,248 HE REFUSES TO GET VACCINATED. 5 00:00:15,315 --> 00:00:18,017 >> NBA2K22 HAS ARRIVED. 6 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:24,057 IN THIS SEASON, WE'RE UNVEILING A BRAND-NEW STORYLINE: 7 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:26,025 INTRODUCING "UNVACCINATED MODE." 8 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:30,029 FORGO YOUR DREAM CAREER AND STAY HOME ALL DAY DRINKING WINE. 9 00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:33,233 SEE HOW MANY CONSECUTIVE HOURS YOUR PLAYER CAN BINGE ON NETFLIX 10 00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:36,403 BEFORE BEING ASKED, "ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?" 11 00:00:36,469 --> 00:00:38,304 STAY ALERT: EVERY SO OFTEN YOU'LL HAVE TO CLICK THE "SKIP 12 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,808 INTRO" BUTTON. 13 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,009 MISS YOUR CHANCE, AND YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH THAT SAME OPENING 14 00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:45,645 SEQUENCE ALL OVER AGAIN. 15 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:50,450 AND JUST LIKE NORMAL GAME PLAY MODE, YOU CAN PRACTICE YOUR AIM 16 00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:57,090 SEVERAL TIMES A DAY DURING BATHROOM BREAK MINI-GAME, 17 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:58,358 AND THEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN, SIT ON THE 18 00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:02,028 COUCH AND WATCH YOUR TEAM WIN WITHOUT YOU. 19 00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:05,999 THEN MORE WINE, AND A SOLITARY SWIM IN A NEIGHBOR'S POOL, 20 00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:08,468 CONTEMPLATING YOUR LIFE CHOICES. 21 00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:12,972 FROM HERE, THE EARTH DOES LOOK PRETTY FLAT. 22 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:14,140 IT'S ALL PART OF THE NBA2K22. 23 00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:21,247 RATED "M" FOR MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN VACCINATED. 24 00:01:21,314 --> 00:01:25,652 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 25 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:26,052 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 26 00:01:32,559 --> 00:01:37,263 KATIE COURICE AND MUSICAL GUEST GABBY BARRETT 27 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:42,001 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 28 00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:45,839 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 29 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:49,275 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 30 00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:54,547 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,883 >> Stephen: OH, WOW! 32 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,951 WOW! 33 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:01,721 NOW WE'RE READY TO DO THE SHOW NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE! 34 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:05,725 I LOVE IT! 35 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:06,392 ( APPLAUSE ). 36 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:15,235 ♪ ♪ ♪ SIDEWAYS CORDUROY. 37 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:15,668 HEY! 38 00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:17,670 NICE TO SEE YOU. 39 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,072 WHAT'S UP, JOHN? 40 00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:20,573 WHAT'S UP, LEWIS? 41 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,975 WHAT'S UP JOSEPH? 42 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:25,812 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 43 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,013 THERE YOU GO. 44 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,682 WELCOME, EVERYBODY! 45 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:30,817 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 46 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:31,818 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. 47 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,822 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 48 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,056 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 49 00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:42,028 IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYBODY PLAYING HOOKY, I'M YOUR HOST... 50 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:48,568 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 51 00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:49,269 OH, NO! 52 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,237 OH, NO! 53 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:57,243 NOW YOU'RE ON CAMERA. 54 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,011 HMMM. 55 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,213 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 56 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,117 IT'S A RAINY DAY HERE IN NEW YORK. 57 00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:06,152 BEFORE THE STORM, THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE URGED NEW 58 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:09,222 YORKERS TO "TAKE IT SLOW" TODAY IF TRAVELING. 59 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:14,027 NOW, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT SLOW, JUST WALK BEHIND ANY 60 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:16,963 TOURIST IN MIDTOWN: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT UP THERE? 61 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:17,864 IT'S A BUILDING. 62 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:21,234 THEY DON'T HAVE BRICKS WHERE YOU'RE FROM?" 63 00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:25,138 ( LAUGHTER ) POF COURSE, WE'RE NOT THE ONLY 64 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:26,239 PLACE WITH WEATHER. 65 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:27,240 FROM AN ATMOSPHERIC RIVER TO TORNADOES TO TODAY'S RAIN, 66 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:30,009 EXTREME WEATHER HAS STRUCK COAST TO COAST. 67 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:33,112 SCIENTISTS AGREE THAT ALL THESE EXTREME WEATHER EVENTS ARE TIED 68 00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:38,017 TO GLOBAL WARMING, WHICH IS HAPPENING WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT 69 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:43,756 OR NOT. 70 00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,224 AND FOR THE RECORD, MANY AMERICANS CHOOSE NOT, 71 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:49,228 BECAUSE A NEW POLL SAYS 45% OF AMERICANS DON'T BELIEVE HUMANS 72 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,196 CAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE. 73 00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:51,364 IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE, IT'S TRUE. 74 00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:54,000 THAT'S LIKE NOT BELIEVING THAT HUMANS CAUSE PANTS-POOPING: 75 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,236 "IT'S JUST PART THE NATURAL CYCLE OF MY KHAKIS. 76 00:03:57,303 --> 00:04:01,975 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M GONNA LEAVE 'EM FOR MY 77 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,242 GRANDKIDS TO DEAL WITH." 78 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:09,248 SO THE PLANET IS IN TROUBLE BUT, LUCKILY, THIS WEEKEND, WORLD 79 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:15,221 LEADERS ARE GATHERING YET AGAIN TO WEAR LANYARDS ABOUT IT AT 80 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:19,092 COP26, THE 26th UNITED NATIONS CLIMB CHANGE CONFERENCE. 81 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:20,860 26th?! 82 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:21,394 HOLY CRAP. 83 00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:21,961 THIS CRISIS IS SO OLD. 84 00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:22,428 IT COULD RENT A CAR. 85 00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:24,897 BUT IT SHOULDN'T! 86 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:25,798 RIDE A BIKE, CLIMATE CHANGE! 87 00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:29,869 NOW, THE CONFERENCE STARTS ON OCTOBER 31. 88 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:30,536 YES, IT'S... 89 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:33,239 A CLIMATE CHANGE SPOOKTACULAR! 90 00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:40,179 ( THUNDER CLAP ) >> AH-HA-HA! 91 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,781 >> Stephen: THOSE WEREN'T SPECIAL EFFECTS! 92 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,251 THAT WAS A STORM CAUSED BY IRREVERSIBLE CHANGES TO THE 93 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:52,925 JET-SCREAAAM! 94 00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:54,193 HA-HA-HA-HA. 95 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,230 PRESIDENT BIDEN AND OTHER WORLD LEADERS WILL MEET TO ADDRESS THE 96 00:04:57,296 --> 00:05:05,004 ONGOING CLIMATE CRISIS IN GLASGOW, SCOTLAND. 97 00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:06,139 THEY'RE MEETING IN SCOTLAND? 98 00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:07,340 EVEN IF THEY DO SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE, WE'LL NEVER KNOW. 99 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:08,541 ( THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT ) "CHEERS, LADDIES. 100 00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,009 AFTER HOURS OF HAVERIN', WE DU WELL AGREED TO REDUCE 101 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:22,021 METHANE EMISSIONS CAUSED BY FARTIN' COOS BY 2047. 102 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,356 GO AWAY NOW." 103 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:27,226 CLOSE, CLOSE, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 104 00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,495 BECAUSE COP26 IS TAKING PLACE IN THE U.K., WE'VE GOTTEN A PREVIEW 105 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:33,232 OF WHAT TO EXPECT FROM BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND CARTOO 106 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:38,905 ( LAUGHTER ) AND HAPPY DUCKLING, BORIS 107 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:39,972 JOHNSON. 108 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,541 JOHNSON DOESN'T SEEM TOO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT WHAT WORLD 109 00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,676 LEADERS CAN ACHIEVE AT COP26, AS HE TOLD A GROUP OF CHILDREN: 110 00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:49,916 >> IT'S GONNA BE VERY, VERY TOUGH, THIS SUMMIT. 111 00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:52,885 AND I'M VERY WORRIED, BECAUSE IT MIGHT GO-- IT MIGHT GO WRONG. 112 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,955 >> Stephen: THERE'S THAT CAN-DO BRITISH SPIRIT. 113 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,690 ( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THOSE POSTERS 114 00:05:57,757 --> 00:06:02,028 DURING WORLD WAR II: "KEEP CALM, HITLER MIGHT WIN." 115 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,464 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS CONFERENCE COULD BE ONE OF 116 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:09,802 OUR LAST CHANCES TO MAKE BOLD COLLECTIVE ACTION TO AVERT 117 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,369 CLIMATE ACTION. 118 00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:18,044 IT'S NOT GOING WELL. 119 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,313 THE LEADERS OF CHINA AND RUSSIA SAID THEY WON'T BE AT THE 120 00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:21,581 SUMMIT, EVEN THOUGH CHINA AND RUSSIA PRODUCE SOME 32% OF 121 00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:22,381 GLOBAL CO2 EMISSIONS. 122 00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,317 THE BIG POLLUTERS AREN'T EVEN THERE? 123 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:25,985 THIS IS AN ALL-OR-NOTHING SITUATION. 124 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:30,022 ARBY'S MOTTO ISN'T WE HAVE "SOME" MEAT. 125 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:31,257 THERE'S ANOTHER STORM SOAKING AMERICA: IT'S CALLED INFLATION. 126 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:34,227 RIGHT NOW, SHOPPERS ARE FACING FASTER INCREASES IN PRICES FOR 127 00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:37,096 CONSUMER GOODS THAN AT ANY POINT THIS CENTURY, INCLUDING GAS, 128 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:40,032 WHICH HAS JUMPED $1.22 OVER THE LAST YEAR. 129 00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:45,004 TERRIBLE NEWS, BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON'T BE REPORTING IT? 130 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:48,007 THE PROPAGANDISTS OVER AT GAS GAS PUMP TV. 131 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,242 THEIR BIGGEST STORY IS BUY ONE, GET ONE COKE ZERO AT THE B.P. 132 00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:52,278 CONVENIENCE. 133 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:57,016 HIGH PRICES ARE ALSO HITTING FOOD, THE GAS OF THE MOUTH 134 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,752 ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO ECONOMISTS, 135 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:03,589 BREAKFAST IS ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE LOT MORE EXPENSIVE. 136 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:04,991 OATS ARE UP MORE THAN 80%, AND THE PRICE OF SUGAR AND LEAN HOGS 137 00:07:05,057 --> 00:07:07,794 ARE UP. 138 00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:10,263 WHICH MEANS RECORD PRICES FOR AMERICA'S FAVORITE CEREAL: 139 00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,999 CINNAMON TOAST HAM. 140 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:18,404 ( LAUGHTER ) AND-- I COULD GO FOR SOME OF 141 00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,807 THAT, THAT SOUNDS... 142 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:22,275 AND THANKS TO INFLATION, THANKSGIVING 2021 COULD BE THE 143 00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:24,777 MOST EXPENSIVE MEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE HOLIDAY. 144 00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:25,878 AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING. 145 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,281 THE FIRST THANKSGIVING COST NATIVE AMERICANS AN ENTIRE 146 00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:29,248 COTINENT. 147 00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:35,288 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW NO PART OF THANKSGIVING 148 00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:36,989 TABLE-- TOO SOON? 149 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:37,723 TOO SOON? 150 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,891 NO PART OF THE THANKSGIVING 151 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,259 TABLE IS SAFE. 152 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:43,162 HIGH PRICES ARE HITTING SWEET POTATOES, PIE, DINNER ROLLS, AND 153 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:48,901 EVEN THE DISPOSABLE ALUMINUM TURKEY ROASTING PAN. 154 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:49,769 NOT THE ALUMINUM ROASTING PAN! 155 00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,271 THAT'S THE MOISTEST PART OF THE TURKEY! 156 00:07:52,338 --> 00:07:54,073 ( LAUGHTER ) EVEN CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE WILL 157 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,210 COST MORE, IN PART BECAUSE CHINA IS LIMITING STEEL PRODUCTION TO 158 00:07:57,276 --> 00:07:59,912 REDUCE CARBON EMISSIONS. 159 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,013 WHAT? 160 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:08,454 YOU LIED TO US, GRETA THUNBERG! 161 00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,122 YOU TOLD US FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE BUT NEVER TOLD US THE 162 00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:14,660 COST-- A WORLD WITHOUT CAN-SHAPED TOWERS OF GELATINOUS 163 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:15,628 RED SUGAR PLASMA. 164 00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:19,866 AT LEAST WE CAN GET STUFF IN THE UNITED STATES. 165 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,367 UNLIKE THE U.K., WHICH IS CURRENTLY FACING CRIPPLING 166 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,802 SHORTAGES. 167 00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,103 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED: 168 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,806 BRITISH EDITION." 169 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:30,109 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> PLEASE, SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME 170 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:34,680 ANYTHING? 171 00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:36,082 >> Stephen: THE BRITS WERE ALREADY HAVING SUPPLY CHAIN 172 00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:38,818 ISSUES BECAUSE OF BREXIT WHEN COVID HIT. 173 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:42,054 NOW FOOD IS SO SCARCE THAT SOME SUPERMARKETS ARE FILLING EMPTY 174 00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,924 PRODUCE SECTIONS AND BARE STORE SHELVES WITH PICTURES OF 175 00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:50,796 WHATEVER ITEMS SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THOSE SPACES. 176 00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,766 YES, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT THE TECHNICAL CHALLENGE ON 177 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:54,934 "THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW" THIS WEEK WAS PAPIER-MACHE 178 00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:58,771 BROWNIES. 179 00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,072 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT THESE 180 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,808 CARDBOARD GROCERIES LOOK LIKE. 181 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:03,809 HERE'S SOME ASPARAGUS. 182 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:06,812 IF YOU EAT IT, YOUR PEE SMELLS LIKE CARDBOARD. 183 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:10,850 ( LAUGHTER ) OR YOU COULD TRY THE CARDBOARD 184 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:17,556 CARROTS, AND EVIDENTLY, THEY ALSO RAN OUT OF PHOTOS OF 185 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:18,824 CARDBOARD CARROTS. 186 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:22,795 FUN FACT: THOSE NON-CARROTS WERE PHOTOGRAPHED AT A SUPERMARKET IN 187 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,063 A REAL TOWN CALLED FAKENHAM. 188 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,265 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S RIGHT BETWEEN 189 00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:30,069 ON-THE-NOSE-INGTON AND WE'RE SCREWED-SHIRE. 190 00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,371 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME STORES AREN'T EVEN PUTTING 191 00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:34,840 IN THE EFFORT TO PRINT ACTUAL PHOTOS OF FOOD, OPTING INSTEAD 192 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,610 FOR OUTLINES OF GENERIC PRODUCTS. 193 00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:40,713 AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 194 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:46,385 IT COULD BE THE CHALK OUTLINE OF FOOD THAT WAS MURDERED. 195 00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,054 BACK STATESIDE, OVER THE WEEKEND, WE LEARNED THAT THE 196 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,723 CAPITOL RIOT GOT PLANNING HELP FROM REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS LIKE 197 00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,492 ALABAMA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN PAUSING MIDSPEECH TO ORDER 198 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:56,729 A ROUND OF BREADSTICKS, MO BROOKS. 199 00:09:56,796 --> 00:10:00,066 "ROLLING STONE" REPORTS THAT BROOKS MET WITH "STOP THE STEAL" 200 00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:04,737 ORGANIZERS PRIOR TO JANUARY 6, BUT BROOKS SAYS HE HAD NO 201 00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,605 INVOLVEMENT IN THE RALLY UNTIL JANUARY 5, WHEN HE CLAIMS THE 202 00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:10,843 WHITE HOUSE FIRST ASKED HIM TO SPEAK. 203 00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:14,814 THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A DEFENSE: "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT SWEARS HE 204 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,851 HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BANK ROBBERY UNTIL THE 205 00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:24,056 DAY BEFORE, WHEN HE WAS ASKED TO DRIVE THE GETAWAY CAR... 206 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,158 AND THEN OF COURSE WHEN HE DROVE THE CAR." 207 00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:28,227 IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT BROOKS HAD NO SENSE OF WHAT WAS COMING, 208 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,062 SINCE HE SPOKE AT THE RALLY WHILE WEARING BDY ARMOR. 209 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:33,532 THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP TO YOUR SURPRISE PARTY IN A FULL BALL 210 00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:34,400 GOWN AND TIARA. 211 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,704 SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU WERE TIPPED OFF: 212 00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:39,238 "OH, MY GOD! 213 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,106 THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY? 214 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:42,074 YOU GUUUUYS, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!!" 215 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:46,812 BROOKS WASHED HIS HANDS OF ANY INVOLVEMENT, BUT SAID HIS STAFF 216 00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:48,080 MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED. 217 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,715 WOW! 218 00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:52,885 WAY TO THROW YOUR TEAM UNDER THE CAMPAIGN BUS. 219 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:57,390 REMINDS ME OF HARRY TRUMAN'S FAMOUS PLAQUE: 220 00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:58,891 "THE BUCK STOPS OVER THERE... 221 00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:00,826 WHERE MY ASSISTANT SITS. 222 00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:03,295 GET HER!" ( LAUGHTER ) 223 00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:05,297 IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT JOKE, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, BUT 224 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:07,466 MY WRITERS MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED. 225 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:14,073 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 226 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:21,313 ♪ ♪ ♪ ANOTHER ALLEGED COUP-CONSPIRATOR 227 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:26,018 IS ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE AND INVENTOR OF THE DICK-FACE 228 00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:27,019 SELFIE, PAUL GOSAR. 229 00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:30,056 ( LAUGHTER ) GOSAR IGNORED REPORTS THAT HE 230 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,292 ENCOURAGED THE INSURRECTION, INSTEAD CHOOSING TO POST A MEME 231 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:40,933 OF HIS HEAD PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO JAMES BOND. 232 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,134 IT'S APPROPRIATE. 233 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,602 AFTER ALL, GOSAR'S I.Q. IS 007 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 234 00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:44,103 THERE YOU GO. 235 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,005 THAT'S A SIMPLE ONE. 236 00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:46,772 IT'S SIMPLE. 237 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,374 >> Jon: YEAH, THE PEOPLE LIKE IT. 238 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,042 >> Stephen: MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY. 239 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,310 AND IF HE HELPED PLAN THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE'LL BE LUCKY TO 240 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:54,580 BE OUT ON BOND, BAIL BOND. 241 00:11:54,647 --> 00:12:09,195 ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S MY PROBLEM: 242 00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,529 EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE PHOTOSHOPPING YOUR HEAD ONTO 243 00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:11,831 DANIEL CRAIG'S BODY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THIS PICTURE. 244 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:12,565 IT'S SCIENCE! 245 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:15,234 WAIT, LET ME JUST FIX ONE THING. 246 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,435 OKAY, NOW IT'S PERFECT. 247 00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:18,704 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 248 00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:19,505 TONIGHT. 249 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:23,175 MY GUEST IS CBS'S OWN KATIE COURIC. 250 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,312 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! 251 00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:27,213 JOIN US. 252 00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:31,016 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 253 00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,449 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 254 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:08,888 IT'S JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE, RIGHT OVER 255 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:12,158 THERE. 256 00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:22,268 PR>> Stephen: JON I HOLD IN MY HANDS, I HOLD IN MY HANDS THE 257 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:25,771 QUESTION I'M GOING TO BE ASKING OUR GUEST TONIGHT, KATIE COURIC. 258 00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:30,142 SHE'S GOT A BOOK OUT NOW CALLED "GOING THERE." 259 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:32,211 AND, JON, SHE GOES THERE. 260 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:33,712 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 261 00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:37,449 >> Stephen: AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE'S ONE WHOLE PAGE OF 262 00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:40,920 QUESTIONS CALLED, "JUICY TID BITS." 263 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,154 I LIKE IT. 264 00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,789 SHE BROUGHT IT. 265 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:47,459 I'M NOT GOING TO SAY "GOES AFTER," BECAUSE SHE'S NOT 266 00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:51,463 VICIOUS, BUT SHE SPILLS THE TEA, ON AN ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER. 267 00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:53,332 YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT? 268 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,668 SHE SPILLS THE TEA ON HERSELF AS WELL. 269 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:59,572 SHE DOESN'T LEAVE HERSELF OUT OF THE TEA STAIN AREA. 270 00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:02,775 >> Jon: YEAH, YOU CAN'T BE TOSSING STONES IN A GLASS HOUSE, 271 00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:03,342 YOU SEE. 272 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,877 >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO. 273 00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:08,581 HER HOUSE SEEMS TO BE MADE OF STONES. 274 00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:14,954 ( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. 275 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,655 FOLKS-- OVER HERE? 276 00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:18,624 FOLKS-- BECAUSE I'LL TALK ANYWHERE YOU POINT. 277 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:24,163 I'M A PUPPET ON A STRING. 278 00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:28,267 FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY, 279 00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:29,835 HANDPICKING ONLY THE RIPEST AND MOST TOPICAL DAILY HEADLINES, 280 00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:32,871 SEEKING OUT THE SWEETEST, MOST- REFINED OF JEST-JAMS AND 281 00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:36,141 JOKE-JELLIES, CURATING A PLATE OF LOCAL COMEDY-FED MEATS AND 282 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,812 SATIRICAL CHEESES TO LAY OUT THE ARTISANAL CHARCUTERIE BOARD 283 00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:44,883 A-NEWS BOUCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 284 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:48,887 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE 285 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,490 GREASE TRAP OF AN UNLICENSED SLAUGHTERHOUSE, 286 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,858 SPLASH MY FACE WITH BEEF TALLOW, RENDER A RUDIMENTARY PRESERVE 287 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,660 FROM BONE MARROW AND MELTED GUMMY WORMS, AND THROW IT 288 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,096 TOGETHER WITH SOME SWEETBREADS AND TRIPE TO PRESENT THE 289 00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:00,499 PLOWMAN'S PLATTER OF UNCLAIMED OFFAL THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 290 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:04,870 >> MEANWHILE! 291 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,039 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BACK IN THE 292 00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:07,906 GROOVE. 293 00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,141 THAT'S IT. 294 00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:16,882 MEANWHILE, IT'S THE NORTH STAR, IT GUIDES YOU HOME EVERY TIME. 295 00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:23,188 MEANWHILE, FOR SLEEP-DEPRIVED HONG KONG RESIDENTS, THERE'S A 296 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:24,857 NEW HONG KONG BUS MEANT TO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP-- BECAUSE WHEN I 297 00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:28,861 WANT REST AND RELAXATION, MY FIRST THOUGHT IS PUBLIC BUS 298 00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:34,833 ( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T WAIT TO PEACEFULLY NOD 299 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,403 OFF BETWEEN THE WOMAN CLIPPING HER TOENAILS AND THE DRIFTER 300 00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:40,906 WITH PINK EYE AND A SUPPORT FERRET. 301 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:44,877 MEANWHILE, IN COLORADO, A HIKER LOST ON A MOUNTAIN FOR 24 HOURS 302 00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:48,180 IGNORED CALLS FROM RESCUERS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE 303 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:49,181 THE PHONE NUMBER. 304 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:56,855 ( LAUGHTER ) THE HIKER WAS REPORTED MISSING 305 00:15:56,922 --> 00:16:00,159 AFTER NOT RETURNING WHEN THEY GOT LOST AT NIGHT, THEN FOUND 306 00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:03,395 THEIR WAY OUT BUT DIDN'T TELL ANYONE, LEADING AUTHORITIES TO 307 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,264 REMIND EVERYONE, "IF YOU'RE OVERDUE, ACCORDING TO YOUR 308 00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:08,867 ITINERARY, AND YOU START GETTING REPEATED CALLS FROM AN UNKNOWN 309 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:13,339 NUMBER, PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE." 310 00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:18,177 NO, NO, NO CAN DO, RESCUE GUYS. 311 00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:20,045 I WOULD RATHER EAT MY OWN FROSTBITTEN FOOT THAN RISK 312 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:23,749 ANSWERING A CALL ABOUT MY VEHICLE'S WARRANTY. 313 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:24,883 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 314 00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:28,854 NO! 315 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:32,858 NO! 316 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:39,531 MEANWHILE, ON SUNDAY, STAR OF MEN'S FOOTBALL TOM BRADY BECAME 317 00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:43,736 THE FIRST N.F.L. QUARTERBACK TO THROW 600 TOUCHDOWN PASSES. 318 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,438 NOW, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. 319 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,874 OBVIOUSLY, THE BALL BRADY THREW FOR THE 600th T.D. IS AN 320 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:52,878 IMPORTANT N.F.L. ARTIFACT, WHICH IS WHY, AFTER CATCHING THE BALL, 321 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,981 THE BUCS' RECEIVER MIKE EVANS CHERISHED THAT PRECIOUS 322 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:58,050 MEMORABILIA SO MUCH THAT HE IMMEDIATELY GAVE IT AWAY TO 323 00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,185 A FAN. 324 00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:00,719 MIKE! 325 00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:00,953 MIKE! 326 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:02,588 NO! 327 00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:08,694 YOU CAN'T BE THAT RECKLESS WITH A PIECE OF SPORTS HISTORY! 328 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:13,599 WHERE IN THE WORLD DID HE EVER LEARN SUCH-- OKAY, I UNDERSTAND. 329 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:16,869 THAT CHECKS OUT. 330 00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:20,873 ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THE BUCS GOT THE BALL BACK, 331 00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:28,881 WHICH IS ESTIMATED TO BE WORTH EASILY HALF A MILLION DOLLARS 332 00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:30,115 PLUS, BY OFFERING THE FAN A PACKAGE, INCLUDING SEASON 333 00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,583 TICKETS AND AUTOGRAPHED MEMORABILIA. 334 00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:33,085 PLUS A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM BRADY HIMSELF. 335 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:36,255 >> I'M ALSO GIVING HIM A BITCOIN, WHICH, I MEAN, IS 336 00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:37,389 PRETTY COOL, TOO. 337 00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:43,362 >> Stephen: SO, FOR A BALL WORTH HALF A MIL, YOU GAVE HIM 338 00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:47,833 FOOTBALL TICKETS, BUCS MERCH, AND THE CONCEPT OF MONEY. 339 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,335 REMIND ME NEVER TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR TOM BRADY. 340 00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,871 "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DONATING THAT KIDNEY, STEVE! 341 00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:56,875 HERE'S A PACK OF TIC TACS FROM MY WIFE'S PURSE, THE SPARE 342 00:17:56,942 --> 00:18:03,882 BUTTON ON MY SWEATER, AND A FISTFUL OF SKEE-BALL 343 00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:05,050 TICKETS. 344 00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:08,720 IT'S ENOUGH FOR A KEYCHAIN!" MEANWHILE, SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES 345 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:14,359 ARE AFFECTING EVERYTHING, ICLUDING THE INGREDIENTS TO 346 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:15,961 MAKE THE COLOR BLUE, SO WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF BLUE PAINT. 347 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,162 WHICH IS WHY THE BLUE MAN GROUP IS TEMPORARILY THE BALD GUY 348 00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:18,997 BUNCH. 349 00:18:19,064 --> 00:18:22,067 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 350 00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:22,534 THAT'S GOOD. 351 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:28,874 THAT'S GOOD. 352 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,542 MEANWHILE, THIS TIME OF YEAR, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE GLOBAL 353 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:36,181 CONSOLIDATED SHIPPING AND DISCOUNT COCKATOO SMUGGLING" 354 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:38,650 COME ACROSS SO MANY HALLOWEEN-RELATED STORIES 355 00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:40,919 THAT WE COLLECT THEM ALL IN OUR "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT: 356 00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:44,256 "HALLOWEEN-WHILE." 357 00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:48,861 HALLOWEEN-WHILE, WINE MAKER FRANZIA JUST UNVEILED A NEW 358 00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:53,265 BOXED WINE HALLOWEEN COSTUME THAT DISPENSES REAL WINE. 359 00:18:53,332 --> 00:19:03,742 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD. 360 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:08,547 I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE DISPENSED FRANZIA. 361 00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:10,816 BUT WHERE IS THE WINE DISPENSED FROM? 362 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,551 WELL, EACH COSTUME INCLUDES AN INTERNAL POUCH THAT CAN CARRY A 363 00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:16,421 FULL BAG OF FRANZIA. 364 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:17,222 SAME HERE, BABY. 365 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,324 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 366 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:24,162 FULL POUCH. 367 00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:28,867 THE COSTUME COMES IN TWO VARIETIES: RICH AND BUTTERY 368 00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,937 CHARDONNAY, AND DARK RED BLEND. 369 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:36,174 SO YOU CAN PICK WHICH COLOR YOU WANT TO VOMIT. 370 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,810 ( LAUGHTER ) HALLOWEEN-WHILE, THE CANDY CORN 371 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:40,412 HAS BEEN HACKED! 372 00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:42,180 A RANSOMWARE GANG TARGETED THE CONFECTIONARY RESPONSIBLE FOR 373 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,416 PRODUCING CANDY CORN. 374 00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:45,651 OH, NO! 375 00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:48,186 BUT NOW ON HALLOWEEN, WHAT WILL OUR KIDS IMMEDIATELY THROW IN 376 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,788 THE GARBAGE? 377 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,024 OH, WAIT. 378 00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:52,824 NECCO WAFERS. 379 00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:56,662 THEY'LL THROW AWAY THE NECCO WAIVERS. 380 00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:59,765 IF I WANT TO EAT CHALK, I WILL EAT CHALK. 381 00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:04,870 HALLOWEEN-WHILE, A CRACK HAS DISQUALIFIED A PUMPKIN FROM 382 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,941 COMPETITION AFTER IT WAS THOUGHT TO BE THE LARGEST IN THE U.S. 383 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:12,044 THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING CRACK-RELATED BAN SINCE THE TIME 384 00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:12,911 I WORE LOW-RISE JEANS TO WORK. 385 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,581 ( APPLAUSE ) YOU TAKING THAT DOWN? 386 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:20,886 YOU TAKING THAT PHOTO DOWN THAT FAST? 387 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:24,189 MEANWHILE, IN MUSIC NEWS, METALLICA AND BILLY JOEL ARE 388 00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:26,758 TEAMING UP FOR A WEEKEND OF MUSIC IN LAS VEGAS THIS 389 00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:28,860 FEBRUARY. 390 00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:35,000 FINALLY, THE METALLICA/BILLY JOEL CROSS-OVER THAT NEITHER OF 391 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:35,867 THEIR FANS EVER ASKED FOR. 392 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,636 I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR "ENTER PIANO MAN." 393 00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:40,172 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KATIE COURIC. 394 00:20:40,238 --> 00:20:42,040 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 395 00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,661 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 396 00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,529 WELCOME BACK. 397 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:05,197 TO "THE LATE SHOW." 398 00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:06,665 WITH ME. 399 00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:12,437 ON CBS. 400 00:21:12,504 --> 00:21:16,541 HEY, EVERYBODY, THANKS SO MUCH. 401 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:20,212 ( APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A 402 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,213 PEABODY AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST WHO'S 403 00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:23,682 BEEN REPORTING FOR FOUR DECADES. 404 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,918 NOW SHE'S WRITTEN A MEMOIR CALLED "GOING THERE." 405 00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:30,689 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KATIE COURIC! 406 00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:40,732 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 407 00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:49,908 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 408 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,177 IT'S AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK, KATIE COURIC. 409 00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:54,946 >> THANK YOU, WOW, THIS PLACE IS CROWDED! 410 00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:58,684 GOOD FOR YOU! 411 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,052 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DOING OUR BEST. 412 00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:00,819 >> THAT'S AWESOME. 413 00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:02,888 >> Stephen: WE'RE DOING OUR BEST. 414 00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:03,522 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? 415 00:22:03,588 --> 00:22:04,623 >> I'M GOOD. 416 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:05,290 I'M REALLY GOOD. 417 00:22:05,357 --> 00:22:06,692 I HAVE TO SAY HI TO THE BAND. 418 00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,527 HI, GUYS. 419 00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:09,061 HOW ARE YOU? 420 00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:09,861 NICE TO SEE YOU. 421 00:22:09,928 --> 00:22:12,698 >> Stephen: THAT'S A PRO RIGHT THERE. 422 00:22:12,764 --> 00:22:16,401 KNOWS TO SAY HI TO THE BAND. 423 00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:19,304 THEY KNOW WHO THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE ARE ON STAGE. 424 00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:23,508 >> WELL, HONESTLY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 425 00:22:23,575 --> 00:22:25,977 >> Stephen: CATHERINE COURIC. 426 00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:27,713 >> YES, STEVE. 427 00:22:27,779 --> 00:22:30,482 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE WRITTEN A NEW MEMOIR SELENA GOMEZ. 428 00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,350 >> I HAVE. 429 00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:36,588 >> YOU SPILL THE TEA ON LES MOONVES, LARRY KING, MARTHA 430 00:22:36,655 --> 00:22:39,658 STEWART, VARIOUS EX-BOYFRIENDS. 431 00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:46,498 >> I'VE BECOME THE TAYLOR SWIFT OF MEMOIRESES, I THINK. 432 00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:47,799 >> Stephen: AND YOU DON'T SPARE YOURSELF. 433 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,702 YOU THROW A COUPLE OF BRICKS AT YOUR OWN HOUSE. 434 00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:53,739 WHY PUT IT ALL OUT THERE, KATIE? 435 00:22:53,805 --> 00:22:54,706 >> WHY NOT. 436 00:22:54,773 --> 00:22:55,941 >> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE DON'T. 437 00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:58,710 YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY'VE HAD A FULFILLING 438 00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:02,481 CAREER THEY END UP WRITING A BOOK ABOUT THEMSELVES TO MAKE 439 00:23:02,547 --> 00:23:04,182 THEM LOOK FANTASTIC AT ALL TIMES. 440 00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:09,254 >> AND ISN'T THAT BORING, STEPHEN? 441 00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:13,725 I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT A FULL PERSON, WHO IS COMPLICATED, 442 00:23:13,792 --> 00:23:17,129 WHO IS NOT A CARICATURE OF AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, THAT HAS 443 00:23:17,195 --> 00:23:21,299 OPINIONS, THAT HAS HAD EXPERIENCES, AND HAS FLAWS AND 444 00:23:21,366 --> 00:23:26,404 STRENGTHS AND, YOU KNOW, OTHERWISE, IT WOULD BE SO 445 00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:27,472 BORING, RIGHT? 446 00:23:27,539 --> 00:23:28,840 >> Stephen: HOW EARLY DID YOU WANT TO BE A REPORTER? 447 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:33,512 BECAUSE I HAVE A PHOTO OF YOU HERE, RIGHT THERE, THERE'S A 448 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:34,579 YOUNG KATIE COURIC. 449 00:23:34,646 --> 00:23:37,949 I'M GOING TO GUESS YOU'RE-- >> PEOPLE THINK THAT'S A 450 00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:38,450 HEADBAND. 451 00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:39,718 IT'S ACTUALLY A HAT. 452 00:23:39,785 --> 00:23:43,955 I'M ON MY WAY TO GIRL SCOUT CAMP I THINK IN FOURTH GRADE IN THAT 453 00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:45,056 PICTURE. 454 00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:47,559 I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUPER OBSERVANT. 455 00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:52,531 I WROTE IN MY LITTLE FOURTH GRADE DIARY THAT IS THIS 456 00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:57,135 CLOTH-COVERED PAISLEY DIARY ALL ABOUT WHEN THE THREE ASTRONAUTS, 457 00:23:57,202 --> 00:24:00,071 DIED ON THE LAUNCH PAD IN 1968, I BELIEVE. 458 00:24:00,138 --> 00:24:01,273 >> Stephen: APOLLO ONE. 459 00:24:01,339 --> 00:24:02,374 >> YES. 460 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,311 AND I ALSO USED TO DO MOCK-UP NEWSPAPERS. 461 00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:11,750 AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN UBER EXPROVERTED AND I THINK ALL OF 462 00:24:11,817 --> 00:24:15,520 THOSE THINGS COMBINED MADE A CAREER IN JOURNALISM, SUPER 463 00:24:15,587 --> 00:24:18,924 NOSEY AND CURIOUS, MADE IT MADE FOR ME. 464 00:24:18,990 --> 00:24:22,294 >> Stephen: YOU SAY JANE PAULEY WAS A ROLE MODEL FOR YOU. 465 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,130 WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU MET HER? 466 00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:27,065 OBVIOUSLY YOU HAD SIMILAR JOBS. 467 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:30,402 >> WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK-- >> Stephen: IT WOULD BE LIKE 468 00:24:30,468 --> 00:24:32,003 ME TAKING OVER FOR LETTERMAN. 469 00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:33,738 >> COME ON. 470 00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:34,973 REALLY! 471 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,943 I LIVED IN THIS TOWN HOUSE IN GEORGETOWN, AND MY FRIEND WENDY, 472 00:24:38,009 --> 00:24:41,146 WHO IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS, STILL, ALL THESE YEARS 473 00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:46,284 LATER, WE USED TO WATCH THE "TODAY" SHOW EVERY MORNING. 474 00:24:46,351 --> 00:24:50,455 SHE HAD A LITTLE TV ON HER DESK IN THE BASEMENT-- SHE LIVED IN A 475 00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:53,091 BASEMENT OF A TOWN HOUSE. 476 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:54,693 WE USED TO WATCH JANE. 477 00:24:54,759 --> 00:24:58,997 AND SOMEHOW WHEN WE WORKED FOR CNN WHEN WE STARTED OUT-- 478 00:24:59,064 --> 00:25:01,633 EVERYBODY CALLED IT CHICKEN NOODLE NEWS. 479 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:05,036 WE GOT TICKETED TO THE RADIO AND OF IT CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, 480 00:25:05,103 --> 00:25:06,638 WHICH WAS A BIG DEAL. 481 00:25:06,705 --> 00:25:09,074 WE WERE MAKING $11,000 A YEAR, BASICALLY GRUNTS. 482 00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:18,717 WE WENT TO LOEHMAN'S -- >> Stephen: LOEHAM'S--M'S-- 483 00:25:18,783 --> 00:25:22,687 WE BOUGHT THESE DRESSES, AND SHE SAID, "THERE'S JANE PAULEY." 484 00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:23,788 AND SHE WAS WALK IN. 485 00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:27,025 SHE GOES, "I DARE YOU TO GO TOUCH HER." 486 00:25:27,092 --> 00:25:30,295 SO OF COURSE I, LIKE, WALK UP TO JANE. 487 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:35,467 I KIND OF GRAYED HER TAFFETA GOWN WITH MY KNUCKLES. 488 00:25:35,533 --> 00:25:40,238 AND WE WERE, LIKE, SO EXCITED, BECAUSE WE WORSHIPPED JANE 489 00:25:40,305 --> 00:25:40,672 PAULEY. 490 00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:41,940 >> Stephen: WOW. 491 00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:45,210 >> AND THE IDEA THAT I ENDED UP IN THE SAME JOB THAT JANE PAULEY 492 00:25:45,277 --> 00:25:51,616 HAD AND DID SO BEAUTIFULLY, IT WAS LIKE THAT MIND-BLOWN EMOJY. 493 00:25:51,683 --> 00:25:52,083 REALLY. 494 00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:52,584 >> Stephen: SURE. 495 00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:53,518 >> IT WAS SO CRAZY. 496 00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:56,755 >> Stephen: YOU END UP AT THE "TODAY" SHOW. 497 00:25:56,821 --> 00:25:58,323 HAVE YOU WATCHED "THE MORNING SHOW." 498 00:25:58,390 --> 00:25:58,990 >> I HAVE. 499 00:25:59,057 --> 00:25:59,991 >> Stephen: IS IT LIKE THAT? 500 00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:03,161 I DON'T MEAN LIKE PLOT POINT AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 501 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,462 IS IT LIKE THAT? 502 00:26:04,529 --> 00:26:07,165 ARE THESE SHOWS A BAG OF SNAKES ALL FIGHTING EACH OTHER? 503 00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:10,101 THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE, THE PERSONALITY CONFLICTS. 504 00:26:10,168 --> 00:26:15,206 >> YOU KNOW WHAT STRUCK ME ABOUT "THE MORNING SHOW," THEY ARE ALL 505 00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:15,941 ( BLEEP ) CRAZY. 506 00:26:16,007 --> 00:26:16,574 >> Stephen: THE SHOW IS. 507 00:26:16,641 --> 00:26:18,076 >> THE SHOW. 508 00:26:18,143 --> 00:26:21,279 EVERY CHARACTER IS CARRYING AROUND A LOT OF BAGGAGE. 509 00:26:21,346 --> 00:26:23,448 THEY'RE ALL SUPER NEUROTIC. 510 00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:26,685 IT'S, IT'S-- YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S EXAGGERATED, BUT THERE'S 511 00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:27,886 SOME OF THAT. 512 00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:30,088 >> Stephen: WHICH OF THE THREE MORNING SHOWS DO YOU THINK IS 513 00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:31,323 CRAZIEST? 514 00:26:31,389 --> 00:26:33,224 >> I THINK THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, BUT LESS CRAZY THAN THEY USED TO 515 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:34,426 BE. 516 00:26:34,492 --> 00:26:37,562 I WRITE ABOUT HOW INTENSE THE COMPETITION WAS IN THE BOOKING 517 00:26:37,629 --> 00:26:38,630 WARS. 518 00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:40,332 THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST FUN CHAPTERS TO WRITE ABOUT. 519 00:26:40,398 --> 00:26:45,737 BECAUSE IT WAS SO INSANE WHEN I WAS ON THE "TODAY" SHOW, THE 520 00:26:45,804 --> 00:26:47,272 BATTLE FOR THE BIG GETS. 521 00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:50,575 PEOPLE WOULD CALL UP HOTEL ROOMS AND SAY, "ACTUALLY, THERE'S BEEN 522 00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:54,612 A CHANGE OF PLANS, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO "GOOD MORNING 523 00:26:54,679 --> 00:26:58,516 AMERICA" FIRST AND THEN GO TO THE "TODAY" SHOW." 524 00:26:58,583 --> 00:27:02,053 AND THE GUEST WOULD BE LIKE, OKAY. 525 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,990 AND THEY WOULD GO TO "GOOD MORNING AMERICA," AND THEY WOULD 526 00:27:05,056 --> 00:27:08,827 HOLD THEM HOSTAGE IN THE GREEN ROOM AND THEY WOULD BE LAST TO 527 00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:11,896 THE "TODAY" SHOW-- BY THE WAY, WE DID IT, TOO. 528 00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:14,199 IT'S SO FUNNY TO ME THE LENGTHS WE WENT TO. 529 00:27:14,265 --> 00:27:18,136 BUT NOW THE LANDSCAPE IS SO SPLINTERED. 530 00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:21,106 YOU DON'T NECESSARILY, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, NEED SOMEONE LIKE 531 00:27:21,172 --> 00:27:22,607 YOU TO GET YOUR MESSAGE OUT. 532 00:27:22,674 --> 00:27:24,075 >> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY. 533 00:27:24,142 --> 00:27:33,351 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 534 00:27:33,418 --> 00:27:35,587 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 535 00:27:35,653 --> 00:27:36,154 I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. 536 00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:36,821 YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. 537 00:27:36,888 --> 00:27:37,922 >> YOU HAVE TO PAY THE BILLS. 538 00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:39,157 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KATIE COURIC, 539 00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:39,657 EVERYBODY. 540 00:27:47,265 --> 00:27:53,438 WE'RE BACK WITH KATIE COURIC, THE AUTHOR OF "GOING THERE." 541 00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:58,143 AND, LORD, DOES SHE. 542 00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:02,313 KATIE, YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR 2016 INTERVIEW WITH RUTH BADER 543 00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:02,614 GINSBURG. 544 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,815 >> YES. 545 00:28:03,882 --> 00:28:05,717 >> Stephen: AND THAT CAUSED A BIT OF A TENSION AT THE TIME, 546 00:28:05,784 --> 00:28:10,355 AND YOU ASKED HER ABOUT COLIN KAEPERNICK AND KNEELING BEFORE 547 00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:15,460 THE FLAG, AND SHE HAD UNSUPPORTIVE AND UNFLATTERING 548 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,828 THINGS TO SAY. 549 00:28:16,895 --> 00:28:20,932 >> SURPRISINGLY UNFLATTERING, AND SHE SAID IT WAS DUMB AND 550 00:28:20,999 --> 00:28:22,834 DISRESPECTFUL, STUPID AND ARROGANT. 551 00:28:22,901 --> 00:28:25,270 SHE WOULDN'T NECESSARILY-- HE WOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP FOR IT 552 00:28:25,336 --> 00:28:29,874 BECAUSE IT'S HIS RIGHT, LIKE FLAG BURNING IS HIS RIGHT. 553 00:28:29,941 --> 00:28:31,409 BUT SHE WAS HIGHLY, HIGHLY CRITICAL. 554 00:28:31,476 --> 00:28:33,778 AND THE REASON I INCLUDED THAT-- I CHOSE TO INCLUDE THAT -- 555 00:28:33,845 --> 00:28:35,547 >> Stephen: AND SHE APOLOGIZED FOR THAT. 556 00:28:35,613 --> 00:28:39,017 >> WELL, YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED WAS SOMEBODY FROM HER OFFICE CALLED 557 00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:41,553 AND SAID SHE REALLY HADN'T BEEN FOLLOWING THE STORY THAT 558 00:28:41,619 --> 00:28:43,455 CAREFULLY AND SHE MISSPOKE. 559 00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:47,125 AND I WAS, LIKE, DID SHE NOT UNDERSTAND IT? 560 00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:52,030 DOES SHE NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT COLIN KAEPERNICK WAS DOING? 561 00:28:52,097 --> 00:28:55,300 AND, YOU KNOW, HONESTLY THE HUMAN SIDE OF ME WAS LIKE SHE'S 562 00:28:55,366 --> 00:28:55,900 OLDER. 563 00:28:55,967 --> 00:28:57,235 IS SHE CONFUSED ABOUT IT? 564 00:28:57,302 --> 00:29:00,038 BUT THEN I REALIZED I HAD TO SHARE HER VIEWS. 565 00:29:00,105 --> 00:29:03,408 BUT THERE WAS ONE STATEMENT THAT I THOUGHT I DIDN'T QUITE 566 00:29:03,475 --> 00:29:04,576 UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE MEANT. 567 00:29:04,642 --> 00:29:08,680 I DIDN'T ASK A FOLLOW-UP CLARIFY THAT?" 568 00:29:08,746 --> 00:29:10,815 AND I ENDED UP NOT USING IT. 569 00:29:10,882 --> 00:29:13,918 AND, OBVIOUSLY, IT BOTHERED ME ENOUGH THEY WANTED TO INCLUDE 570 00:29:13,985 --> 00:29:14,853 THAT IN THE BOOK. 571 00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,588 >> Stephen: WHAT DID SHE SAY? 572 00:29:16,654 --> 00:29:20,625 >> SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HE'S MORE FORTUNATE. 573 00:29:20,692 --> 00:29:24,362 HE SHOULD REALIZE HOW FORTUNATE OR HIS PARENTS SHOULD REALIZE 574 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:26,731 HOW FORTUNATE THEY ARE VERSUS THE COUNTRIES THEY CAME FROM. 575 00:29:26,798 --> 00:29:29,567 AND THAT'S WHY EDUCATION IS SO IMPORTANT. 576 00:29:29,634 --> 00:29:32,904 AND EVEN LOOKING AT IT TODAY, I'VE TALKED TO A LOT OF MY SMART 577 00:29:32,971 --> 00:29:37,909 FRIENDS WHO ARE JOURNALISTS, AND THEY SAY IT'S-- IT'S NOT EXACTLY 578 00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:39,277 CLEAR WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. 579 00:29:39,344 --> 00:29:42,747 SO WHAT I REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T ASK A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION. 580 00:29:42,814 --> 00:29:46,417 AND, ULTIMATELY, THAT I DIDN'T INCLUDE IT, EVEN AFTER, YOU 581 00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:50,321 KNOW, THEY SAID SHE MISSPOKE, SHE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND 582 00:29:50,388 --> 00:29:52,857 THE INTENT OF THIS ACTION OR THE PURPOSE OF IT. 583 00:29:52,924 --> 00:29:56,127 AND I SAID I STILL QUESTION THAT CHOICE. 584 00:29:56,194 --> 00:30:00,298 I THINK WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS WE ALL MAKE JUDGMENT CALLS. 585 00:30:00,365 --> 00:30:02,467 SOMETIMES THEY'RE RIGHT, SOMETIMES THEY'RE WRONG, 586 00:30:02,534 --> 00:30:07,172 SOMETIMES OUR OWN HUMAN EMOTION GETS INVOLVED IN IT. 587 00:30:07,238 --> 00:30:08,606 AND THAT'S WHY I INCLUDED IT. 588 00:30:08,673 --> 00:30:11,476 AND I THINK IT'S REALLY INTERESTING, BECAUSE I THINK THE 589 00:30:11,543 --> 00:30:16,514 WAY TO RESTORE FAITH IN THE MEDIA IS THAT WE SHOULD BE 590 00:30:16,581 --> 00:30:19,450 WILLING TO SAY, "WE MADE A MISTAKE." 591 00:30:19,517 --> 00:30:26,357 YOU KNOW, NBC SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY, "WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SAT ON 592 00:30:26,424 --> 00:30:30,995 THE 'ACCESS HOLLYWOOD' TAPE SO OF "THE WASHINGTON POST" HAD TO 593 00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:32,430 PUBLICIZE THAT STORY." 594 00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:38,670 OR CBS SHOULD SAY, "WE SHOULDN'T MAKE WOMEN SIGN N.D.A.s AND 595 00:30:38,736 --> 00:30:43,474 PUSH WOMEN OUT OF THE BUSINESS WHILE SEXUAL HARASSERS ARE 596 00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:46,010 ALLOWED TO STAY AND THRIVE ( APPLAUSE ). 597 00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:46,878 >> Stephen: SINCE YOU'RE THERE-- 598 00:30:46,945 --> 00:30:50,782 >> WAIT, I GOT ONE MORE, BABY! 599 00:30:50,848 --> 00:30:55,453 AND CNN SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY, "WE SHOULDN'T ALLOW CHRIS CUOMO 600 00:30:55,520 --> 00:31:03,027 TO YUCKIT UP WITH HIS BROTHER, THE GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK, WITH A 601 00:31:03,094 --> 00:31:07,332 GIANT Q-TIP IN THE MIDDLEAVE PANDEMIC BECAUSE IT'S GOOD TV. 602 00:31:07,398 --> 00:31:10,301 THEY SHOULD SAY, "WE MADE A BAD DECISION." 603 00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:11,502 AND THAT WAS WRONG. 604 00:31:11,569 --> 00:31:13,972 I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN 605 00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,874 THEY PROBABLY HAVE ERRED THE WRONG WAY. 606 00:31:16,941 --> 00:31:21,779 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE 607 00:31:21,846 --> 00:31:22,647 ANOTHER BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK KATIE ABOUT HER 608 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,183 YEARS AS ANCHOR OF THE CBS EVENING NEWS. 609 00:31:25,250 --> 00:31:26,284 JOIN US, WON'T YOU? 610 00:31:26,351 --> 00:31:30,021 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 611 00:31:46,804 --> 00:31:55,747 WE'RE BACK WITH JOURNALIST AND AUTHOR OF "GOING THERE" CAN THE 612 00:31:55,813 --> 00:31:56,581 CURE. 613 00:31:56,648 --> 00:31:59,717 I'M NOT SURE WHEN YOU AND I FIRST MET. 614 00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:03,688 BUT I REMEMBER ONE INTERACTION, I HAD BROKEN MY WRIST, AND I 615 00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:05,156 CAME UP TO CBS BROADCAST. 616 00:32:05,223 --> 00:32:06,591 >> I REMEMBER THAT. 617 00:32:06,658 --> 00:32:08,359 >> Stephen: TO GET YOU TO SIGN MY WRIST. 618 00:32:08,426 --> 00:32:13,498 YOU DID NOT SEEM PARTICULARLY HAPPY THAT DAY. 619 00:32:13,564 --> 00:32:17,135 AND THAT IS BORNE OUT BY THE DESCRIPTION OF THAT JOB IN THIS 620 00:32:17,201 --> 00:32:17,869 BOOK. 621 00:32:17,935 --> 00:32:20,571 >> WAS I BLINKING MY EYES TO YOU? 622 00:32:20,638 --> 00:32:21,873 >> Stephen: NOPE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO. 623 00:32:21,939 --> 00:32:25,443 YOU LITERALLY TURNED TO ME AT ONE POINT AND SAID, "THEY NEVER 624 00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:29,147 LET ME DO ANYTHING HERE THAT I MIGHT ENJOY, BUT I REALLY ENJOY 625 00:32:29,213 --> 00:32:31,716 THIS," AND YOU WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM. 626 00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:33,318 BECAUSE THEY WERE TELLING YOU-- WHOEVER IN THE ROOM WITH YOU 627 00:32:33,384 --> 00:32:35,420 SAID YOU CANNOT CONTINUE WITH THIS BIT. 628 00:32:35,486 --> 00:32:36,387 >> OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. 629 00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:38,656 >> Stephen: AND YOU WENT, "BUT WHY? 630 00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:42,226 THIS IS ALL JUST FOR FUN AND IT'S GOING TO GO TO CHARITY." 631 00:32:42,293 --> 00:32:46,097 AND THEY WERE SO NERVOUS ABOUT HAVING YOU THERE, HAVING FUN IN 632 00:32:46,164 --> 00:32:47,165 THE FISH BOWL. 633 00:32:47,231 --> 00:32:48,199 >> YEAH. 634 00:32:48,266 --> 00:32:50,368 >> Stephen: AT THE CBS EVENING NEWS. 635 00:32:50,435 --> 00:32:51,369 WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE FOR YOU? 636 00:32:51,436 --> 00:32:53,137 >> HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE? 637 00:32:53,204 --> 00:32:55,773 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. 638 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,711 >> LISTEN, LISTEN, THERE ARE A LOT OF FANTASTIC PEOPLE AT CBS 639 00:32:59,777 --> 00:33:03,748 NEWS, BUT I THINK THAT LES MOONVES LURED ME OVER THERE TO 640 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:05,450 SHAKE UP THE NEWSCAST. 641 00:33:05,516 --> 00:33:09,921 THE PROBLEM WAS NOBODY INVOLVED IN THE NEWSCAST REALLY WANTED IT 642 00:33:09,987 --> 00:33:12,090 TO BE SHAKEN UP. 643 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:15,727 SO I DIDN'T REALLY GET BUY-IN FROM A LOT OF THE PEOPLE IN 644 00:33:15,793 --> 00:33:19,797 POWERFUL POSITIONS THERE, LIKE JEFF FAGGER. 645 00:33:19,864 --> 00:33:22,300 ANYWAY, SO -- >> Stephen: BUT THERE WERE 646 00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:26,637 PEOPLE THERE LITERALLY PUSHING BACK OVER SOMETHING LES MOONVES 647 00:33:26,704 --> 00:33:30,141 WANTED, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT LES MOONVES-- AND A LOT HAS BEEN 648 00:33:30,208 --> 00:33:31,743 SAID-- HE ACTUALLY RAN THE NETWORK. 649 00:33:31,809 --> 00:33:34,846 WHAT HE SAID HAPPENED, HAPPENED THERE. 650 00:33:34,912 --> 00:33:36,547 >> YES, YES. 651 00:33:36,614 --> 00:33:39,016 I THINK WHAT OCCURRED IS HE HIRED ME. 652 00:33:39,083 --> 00:33:41,119 HE WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING. 653 00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:44,288 CBS HAD BEEN IN THIRD PLACE IN THE EVENING NEWSCAST FOR I THINK 654 00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:45,790 A DECADE OR MORE. 655 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:49,894 I THINK HE-- IT WAS SORT OF A HAIL MARY HIRE. 656 00:33:49,961 --> 00:33:56,300 AND ONCE I GOT THERE, THOUGH, I THINK THAT I WAS SO DIFFERENT 657 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:57,368 CULTURALLY. 658 00:33:57,435 --> 00:33:59,704 CBS IS REALLY, I THINK, THE MOST TRADITIONAL NETWORK. 659 00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:05,176 IT'S KIND OF MOST-- THE MOST OLD BOYS' CLUB. 660 00:34:05,243 --> 00:34:09,247 CLUB-- OR AT LEAST IT WAS AT THE TIME. 661 00:34:09,313 --> 00:34:13,017 AND IT WAS SORT OF LIKE THE BODY REJECTING THE ORGAN TRANSPLANT. 662 00:34:13,084 --> 00:34:14,419 >> Stephen: YOU WERE THE HEALTHY KIDNEY? 663 00:34:14,485 --> 00:34:17,488 >> I WAS THE HEALTHY KIDNEY, AND THEY DIDN'T WANT IT. 664 00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:19,023 THEY DIDN'T NEED IT, RIGHT? 665 00:34:19,090 --> 00:34:20,525 >> Stephen: SO THEY THOUGHT. 666 00:34:20,591 --> 00:34:21,659 >> YEAH. 667 00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:25,530 SO BASICALLY I NEEDED SOME ANTI-REJECTION DRUGS STAT, BUT 668 00:34:25,596 --> 00:34:27,031 NOBODY WAS PROVIDING THEM. 669 00:34:27,098 --> 00:34:29,600 AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS-- IT WAS A REALLY TOUGH EXPERIENCE. 670 00:34:29,667 --> 00:34:33,371 I TELL THIS FUNNY STORY, YOU KNOW, TO GET SORT OF 671 00:34:33,438 --> 00:34:34,806 RELENTLESSLY CRITICIZED. 672 00:34:34,872 --> 00:34:38,676 ALSO, I THINK AMERICA WASN'T NECESSARILY READY FOR AN ANCHOR 673 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:39,544 WITH LIPSTICK. 674 00:34:39,610 --> 00:34:40,845 YOU KNOW, I WAS KIND OF THE FIRST ONE -- 675 00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:43,414 >> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE ALREADY SO FAMOUS AND 676 00:34:43,481 --> 00:34:46,017 BELOVED. 677 00:34:46,083 --> 00:34:51,222 >> I MEAN-- I MEAN, I THINK I WAS NOT EXACTLY THE ARCHTYPE. 678 00:34:51,289 --> 00:34:55,126 YOU CAN'T GET MORE DIFFERENT THAN ME AND SCOTT PELLEY, FOR 679 00:34:55,193 --> 00:34:57,995 EXAMPLE, WHO CAME IN AND REPLACED ME. 680 00:34:58,062 --> 00:35:00,531 HE'S MUCH MORE OF A TRADITIONAL ANCHORPERSON. 681 00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:04,769 SO I THINK THAT THE COUNTRY AND CBS HAS THE OLDEST, MOST 682 00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:05,970 TRADITIONAL AUDIENCE. 683 00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:09,674 AND INTERNALLY, IN TERMS OF THE D.N.A. OF THAT ORGANIZATION, 684 00:35:09,740 --> 00:35:11,342 THEY WERE JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. 685 00:35:11,409 --> 00:35:16,614 AND I REMEMBER GOING HOME AND, LIKE, MY DAUGHTERS WERE AT THE 686 00:35:16,681 --> 00:35:23,688 KITCHEN TABLE, AND, LIKE-- IT'S REALLY HARD WHEN YOU ARE JUST 687 00:35:23,754 --> 00:35:26,724 ATTACKED RELENTLESSLY, DAY AFTER DAY, AND I'M PRETTY TOUGH, BUT 688 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:27,625 I'M HUMAN. 689 00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:30,228 AND I STARTED CRYING AT THE DINNER TABLES. 690 00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:32,830 AND MY DAUGHTERS, THEY WERE, LIKE, 10 AND 14. 691 00:35:32,897 --> 00:35:34,699 AND THEY WERE-- THEY WERE SO TAKEN ABACK. 692 00:35:34,765 --> 00:35:36,267 AND THIS WAS AFTER JAY HAD DIED. 693 00:35:36,334 --> 00:35:38,169 AND I WAS A SINGLE MOM. 694 00:35:38,236 --> 00:35:39,770 AND THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?" 695 00:35:39,837 --> 00:35:42,507 AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "I'M HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME." 696 00:35:42,573 --> 00:35:50,781 I SOUNDED JUST LIKE MARY ELECTORTYLERMOORE THERE. 697 00:35:50,848 --> 00:35:56,821 AND CARRIE SAID, "REMEMBER WHAT SAMANTHA SAID IN 'SEX IN THE 698 00:35:56,888 --> 00:35:57,755 CITY '." 699 00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,557 THIS IS MY 10-YEAR-OLD. 700 00:35:59,624 --> 00:36:03,294 "IF I LISTENED TO WHAT EVERY BITCH IN NEW YORK CITY SAID 701 00:36:03,361 --> 00:36:06,130 ABOUT ME, I'D NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE." 702 00:36:06,197 --> 00:36:07,365 ( APPLAUSE ). 703 00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:10,735 >> Stephen: AND WITH THAT, AND WITH THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 704 00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:12,270 SHE'S GOING THERE. 705 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,772 IT'S AVAILABLE NOW. 706 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:16,007 AND SHE'S KATIE COURIC. 707 00:36:16,073 --> 00:36:19,677 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY GABBY BARRETT. 708 00:36:19,744 --> 00:36:23,915 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 709 00:36:23,981 --> 00:36:25,182 IS. 710 00:36:25,249 --> 00:36:29,854 >> SO I THINK WHAT'S SIGNIFICANT ABOUT THIS IS THAT DONALD TRUMP 711 00:36:29,921 --> 00:36:32,924 FOUND HIS WAY TO ENJOYING THE WHITE HOUSE. 712 00:36:32,990 --> 00:36:35,560 I THINK YOU WOULD AGREE WITH THAT. 713 00:36:35,626 --> 00:36:36,794 >> YEAH. 714 00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:39,196 >> SPENT MANY A WEEKEND THERE-- >> AND ALSO WORKED THROUGH THE 715 00:36:39,263 --> 00:36:40,331 WHOLE WEEKEND. 716 00:36:40,398 --> 00:36:43,701 >> WOW, I'M WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH ANY INSANE FOX NEWS 717 00:36:43,768 --> 00:36:45,136 NARRATIVE, BUT TRUMP WORKING WEEKENDS. 718 00:36:45,202 --> 00:36:46,103 WAY OR THE LINE. 719 00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:46,837 I'M OUT! 720 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:05,222 "GOLDMINE," WAS ANNOUNCED TODAY. 721 00:37:05,289 --> 00:37:09,093 PERFORMING "FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON," GABBY BARRETT! 722 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,662 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 723 00:37:19,704 --> 00:37:25,676 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S EVEREST, I KNOW 724 00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:27,645 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU'RE TOO ♪ YOUNG OR TOO OLD 725 00:37:27,712 --> 00:37:35,653 THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL YOU, MMM SO THAT'S WHAT YOU TELL YOU TOO 726 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:41,993 ♪ SO THE LIGHT, IT FADES WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT THE RULES, 727 00:37:42,059 --> 00:37:45,296 ♪ THEY CHANGE WHEN YOU TOUCH IT IN YOUR HANDS, 728 00:37:45,363 --> 00:37:46,530 ♪ IT'S SAND SLIPPING THROUGH, 729 00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:51,068 ♪ BUT THE TRUTH IS ♪ EVERYBODY SAYS THAT YOU CAN'T 730 00:37:51,135 --> 00:37:53,971 'TIL YOU DO (HEY) ♪ STANDING THERE, STARING AT THE 731 00:37:54,038 --> 00:37:57,742 MIRROR IN THE ROOM (HEY) ♪ TELL YOURSELF, "ONE MORE DAY" 732 00:37:57,808 --> 00:37:59,977 (HEY) ♪ "ONE MORE DAY, ONE MORE SHOT" 733 00:38:00,044 --> 00:38:02,880 (HANG ON) ♪ THE VOICES IN THE NIGHT, 734 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:05,850 IN YOUR HEAD (HEY) ♪ YEAH, THEY'LL BEG YOU TO QUIT 735 00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:06,884 AND THEY'LL TELL YOU ♪ THAT IT'S HARD, 736 00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:10,554 'CAUSE IT IS (HEY) ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING (HEY) 737 00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:15,393 ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ♪ THERE'S FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON 738 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:18,095 (HEY) ♪ ♪ ♪ 739 00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:22,600 ♪ YOUR KNEES, THEY'LL SHAKE YOU'RE GONNA WANNA STAY HOME, 740 00:38:22,667 --> 00:38:26,337 ♪ DON'T STAY ♪ THE MORE YOUR HEART WANTS IT, 741 00:38:26,404 --> 00:38:29,974 MMM ♪ THE HARDER IT'LL BREAK, YEAH 742 00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:33,477 EVERYBODY SAYS THAT YOU CAN'T ♪ 'TIL YOU DO (HEY) 743 00:38:33,544 --> 00:38:35,980 STANDING THERE, ♪ STARING AT THE MIRROR 744 00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:38,516 IN THE ROOM (HEY) ♪ TELL YOURSELF, 745 00:38:38,582 --> 00:38:41,986 "ONE MORE DAY" (HEY) ♪ "ONE MORE DAY, 746 00:38:42,053 --> 00:38:44,955 ONE MORE SHOT" (HANG ON) ♪ THE VOICES IN THE NIGHT, 747 00:38:45,022 --> 00:38:46,557 IN YOUR HEAD (HEY) ♪ YEAH, THEY'LL BEG YOU TO QUIT 748 00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:47,992 AND THEY'LL TELL YOU ♪ THAT IT'S HARD, 749 00:38:48,059 --> 00:38:53,998 'CAUSE IT IS (HEY) ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING (HEY) 750 00:38:54,065 --> 00:38:58,536 ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ♪ THERE'S FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON 751 00:38:58,602 --> 00:39:02,606 (HEY) ♪ ♪ ♪ 752 00:39:02,673 --> 00:39:06,010 ♪ THERE'S FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON (HEY) 753 00:39:06,077 --> 00:39:09,780 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 754 00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:14,418 ♪ SOME DAYS, YOU'RE GONNA WIN SOME DAYS, 755 00:39:14,485 --> 00:39:17,021 ♪ YOU'RE GONNA BE THIS CLOSE SOME DAYS, 756 00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:18,556 ♪ YOU'LL WANNA GIVE UP BUT HANG ON 757 00:39:18,622 --> 00:39:22,560 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 758 00:39:22,626 --> 00:39:26,497 ♪ EVERYBODY SAYS THAT YOU CAN'T 'TIL YOU DO (HEY) 759 00:39:26,564 --> 00:39:29,667 ♪ STANDING THERE, STARING AT THE MIRROR IN THE ROOM (HEY) 760 00:39:29,734 --> 00:39:30,801 ♪ TELL YOURSELF, "ONE MORE DAY" (HEY) 761 00:39:30,868 --> 00:39:36,107 ♪ "ONE MORE DAY, ONE MORE SHOT" THE VOICES IN THE NIGHT, 762 00:39:36,173 --> 00:39:38,542 ♪ IN YOUR HEAD (HEY) YEAH, THEY'LL BEG YOU TO QUIT 763 00:39:38,609 --> 00:39:40,745 ♪ AND THEY'LL TELL YOU THAT IT'S HARD, 764 00:39:40,811 --> 00:39:44,515 ♪ 'CAUSE IT IS (HEY) BUT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING (HEY) 765 00:39:44,582 --> 00:39:47,985 ♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ♪ THERE'S FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON 766 00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:52,823 (HEY) ♪ ♪ ♪ 767 00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:54,558 ♪ THERE'S FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON (HEY) 768 00:39:54,625 --> 00:39:57,495 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 769 00:39:57,561 --> 00:40:00,631 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 770 00:40:00,698 --> 00:40:06,003 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 771 00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:18,916 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 772 00:40:18,983 --> 00:40:19,617 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GABBY BARRETT, 773 00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:20,584 EVERYBODY! 774 00:40:20,651 --> 00:40:21,786 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 775 00:40:21,852 --> 00:40:24,688 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE ELIZABETH BANKS. 776 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:25,890 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 777 00:40:25,956 --> 00:40:26,690 GOOD NIGHT.