1 00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:04,738 >> A NEW AND UPDATED VERSION OF THE POPE'S PRAYER APP, "CLICK TO 2 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:08,742 PRAY 2.0," WAS PRESENTED YESTERDAY BY THE POPE'S 3 00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:10,744 WORLDWIDE PRAYER NETWORK. 4 00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:12,779 THE APP OFFERS A VARIETY OF WAYS TO PRAY WITH THE HOLY FATHER ON 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,582 A DAILY BASIS. 6 00:00:15,648 --> 00:00:19,419 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO, I'M FATHER UMLAUT 7 00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:21,588 MENDLESHONE, CHIEF ENGINEER AT PAPPLE. 8 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:27,961 AT PAPPLE, WE REINVENTED THE WAY PEOPLE COMMUNICATE WITH GOD, 9 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:31,965 INTRODUCING "CLICK TO PRAY 2.0" A REVOLUTIONARY NEW APP ENABLING 10 00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:33,299 USERS TO SEAMLESSLY UPLOAD PRAYERS DIRECTLY TO THE CLOUD OF 11 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,202 GLORY. 12 00:00:36,269 --> 00:00:36,970 WHEN IT ONCE TOOK TWO HANDS TO TALK TO GOD, NOW IT ONLY TAKES 13 00:00:37,036 --> 00:00:40,240 ONE. 14 00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:44,210 TO MAKE SURE YOUR PRAYERS ARE SECURE, WE USE A 15 00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:46,279 STATE-OF-THE-ART TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION PROCESS TO 16 00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:51,084 PREVENT ACCESS FROM FALSE GODS, SUCH AS ZEUS OR OPRAH. 17 00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:55,455 THAT'S NOT THE ONLY INNOVATION IN INVOCATION. 18 00:00:55,522 --> 00:01:00,226 OUR APP ALSO INCLUDES REPENTANCE EMOJIS, SO YOU CAN ILLUSTRATE 19 00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:04,230 YOUR CONTRIVENESS IN A WHIMSICLE WAY: ADULTERY, MASTURBATION, AND 20 00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:07,734 FLAG OF URUGUAY. 21 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,538 THE APP ALSO INCLUDES PUSH NOTIFICATIONS DIRECTLY FROM GOD, 22 00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:15,108 SUCH AS "THOU SHALL NOT KILL," OR "THOU SHALL INSTALL UPDATE 23 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,710 2.4 BUG FIXES." 24 00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:20,213 DOWNLOAD "CLICK TO PRAY" TODAY AND START SLIDING INTO GOD'S 25 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,282 D.M.s. 26 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,952 "CLICK TO PRAY 2.0," FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU PRAZE AND 27 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,721 SINSTAGRAM. 28 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,960 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 29 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:37,964 TONIGHT: OUT OF STOCKING STUFFERS. 30 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:43,203 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: ANDIE MacDOWELL 31 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,207 AND MUSICAL GUEST LANA DEL REY WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY 32 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,176 NICK OFFERMAN. 33 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,181 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 34 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:59,185 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 35 00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:02,055 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 36 00:02:02,121 --> 00:02:10,763 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 37 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:14,067 >> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE YOU! 38 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,536 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FRIDAY. 39 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:17,971 OH, I LIKE IT. 40 00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:24,611 IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A SHARKSKIN THING GOING ON. 41 00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:25,311 THAT'S LOVELY. 42 00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:26,412 VERY NICE. 43 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:26,713 HEY! 44 00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:27,180 COME ON. 45 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,916 OH, THAT'S LOVELY. 46 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:30,917 THAT'S LOVELY. 47 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:35,188 WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 48 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:36,122 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 49 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,091 IT IS A VERY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 50 00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:41,728 THAT FEELING, THAT SOUND, THAT SOUND RIGHT THERE. 51 00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:42,495 WHAT IS THAT SOUND? 52 00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:44,230 >> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE. 53 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,667 >> Stephen: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE. 54 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:48,268 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 55 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,936 ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES. 56 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,137 THAT'S IT. 57 00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:55,208 YOU COULD TAKE A CORE SAMPLE OF THIS AUDIENCE AND COUNT THE 58 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,778 LAYERS OF FRIDAY IN IT. 59 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:03,182 LISTEN, WE KNOW WHY EVERYBODY IS SO EXCITED. 60 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:08,054 HALLOWEEN IS APPROACHING, AND THAT MEANS ONE THING: CHRISTMAS. 61 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:13,259 IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO STARTS THEIR HOLIDAY 62 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:15,194 SHOPPING TWO MONTHS EARLY, YOU'RE WAY TOO LATE, BECAUSE DUE 63 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:19,198 TO PANDEMIC-RELATED SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES, EXPERTS SAY WE SHOULD 64 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:26,072 EXPECT A SHORTAGE OF TOYS, GIFTS, AND DECOR THIS CHRISTMAS. 65 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,674 SO ALL WE HAVE THIS YEAR IS FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND A 66 00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,008 CELEBRATION OF THE BIRTH OF THE CHRIST CHILD? 67 00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,210 THAT'S NOT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS! 68 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:32,211 I WANT AN AIR FRYER! 69 00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:33,646 ( LAUGHTER ) THEY MAKE THINGS CRISP WITH NO 70 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:34,414 OIL! 71 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,049 THAT'S THE REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! 72 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:47,060 ( APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT OUR 73 00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:53,066 ABUNDANCE OF SHORTAGES IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED: 74 00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:54,968 HOLIDAY EDITION." 75 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:58,504 ♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS THEY'RE STILL ON THE WAY ♪ 76 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,107 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE PROBLEM IS THAT 77 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:05,912 ALMOST EVERYTHING WE BUY IS MADE IN ASIA. 78 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:09,882 AND DUE TO SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES, THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES FOR 79 00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:13,920 A POPULAR GIFT TO GO FROM CHINA TO OUR STORE SHELVES IS ABOUT 70 80 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,021 DAYS. 81 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,823 YOU COULD GET IT HERE QUICKER VIA RUDOLPH, THE ACTUAL 82 00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:20,026 REINDEER. 83 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,027 AND IT'S NOT JUST SHIPPING. 84 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,596 THANKS TO COVID, FACTORY CLOSURES IN VIETNAM ARE 85 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,498 AFFECTING BRANDS FROM PACSUN TO NIKE. 86 00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:31,237 SO IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR KIDS NIKES, PLAN AHEAD. 87 00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,839 AND IF YOU'RE GETTING THEM SOMETHING FROM PACSUN, THEY 88 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,041 DON'T WANT THAT. 89 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,476 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 90 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:37,477 SHORTAGES-- SO I HEAR. 91 00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:38,544 I AM INFORMED. 92 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:42,115 I AM INFORMED THAT THAT IS THE CASE. 93 00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:44,817 SHORTAGES ARE ALSO HITTING THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TOY BRANDS, 94 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:50,223 INCLUDING FISHER-PRICE, TONKA TRUCKS, K'NEX, AND CARE BEARS. 95 00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:55,728 ALSO TOYS LIKE SNO CONE, THE HAPPY UNICORN, AND THE POPULAR 96 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:56,429 L.O.L. DOLLS. 97 00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:57,530 SO WHILE YOU CAN'T GET AN L.O.L. 98 00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:00,833 DOLL, THEY HAVE INTRODUCED A LINE OF LEFTOVERS FROM THE 99 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:01,734 FACTORY FLOOR: W.T.F. DOLLS. 100 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,837 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 101 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:08,775 NOW, NOW, AGAIN-- I'M INFORMED. 102 00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:12,645 MAYBE YOU'RE SAYING, "THAT'S FINE, STEVE. 103 00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:13,680 I'LL GIVE THE GIFT OF BOOKS." 104 00:05:13,746 --> 00:05:16,849 WELL, THINK AGAIN, NERD, BECAUSE ( LAUGHTER ) 105 00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:21,087 DUE TO A PAPER SHORTAGE, BOOKSTORES MAY NOT HAVE THE BOOK 106 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,824 YOU WANT THIS HOLIDAY, INCLUDING FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA 107 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,694 AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S COLLABORATION, "RENEGADES: 108 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,496 BORN IN THE USA." 109 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:31,130 WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD. 110 00:05:31,197 --> 00:05:32,832 BECAUSE THAT'S A GOOD BOOK. 111 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:36,235 AT LEAST THEY HAVE PLENTY OF COPIES OF FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY 112 00:05:36,302 --> 00:05:39,706 CARTER AND JON BON JOVI'S COLLABORATION: "LIVIN' ON A 113 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,810 PEANUT FARM." 114 00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,078 ♪ WHOA, I DON'T MEAN NO HARM! 115 00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:47,647 WHOA, LIVIN' ON A PEANUT FARM! ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 116 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,848 I THINK I NEED A KEY CHANGE. 117 00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,249 I NEED A KEY CHANGE. 118 00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:51,551 >> Jon: KEY CHANGE. 119 00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:52,552 >> Stephen: HALFWAY THROUGH. 120 00:05:52,618 --> 00:06:00,827 I WENT-- I WENT-- I DIDN'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH. 121 00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:04,831 EVEN IF YOUR GIFTS MAKE IT THROUGH THE PORTS, THEY MAY HAVE 122 00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:09,702 A HARD TIME REACHING YOUR MAILBOX, BECAUSE DUE TO CHANGES 123 00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:12,038 OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS, EXPERTS ARE PREDICTING MAIL 124 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,207 DELIVERY WILL BE SLOWER THAN IN THE 1970s. 125 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:15,808 AND THE 70'S MAIL DELIVERY WAS SO BAD, I'M STILL WAITING ON MY 126 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:16,976 LATEST ISSUE OF "LIFE" MAGAZINE. 127 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:25,985 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE PICTURES OF TRICIA NIXON'S WEDDING! 128 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,321 YOU KNOW WHAT HAS NO TROUBLE TRAVELING ALL AROUND THE WORLD: 129 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:30,590 INSANE VACCINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES. 130 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:31,924 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF 131 00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:32,792 "DISINFORMATION STATION." 132 00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:35,928 >> FORGET HORSE PASTE! 133 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:39,932 INJECT HORSE! 134 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,268 >> Stephen: DO NOT INJECT HORSE. 135 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,804 TONIGHT'S CONDUCTOR OF CHAOS IS NEW HAMPSHIRE STATE 136 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:50,777 REPRESENTATIVE AND UNGODLY SAM WATERSTON/NEWT GINGRICH 137 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:51,978 HYBRID, KEN WEYLER. 138 00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:56,783 WEYLER HAS STEPPED DOWN FROM HIS LEADERSHIP POSITION AFTER A 139 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,986 BACKLASH FOLLOWING A 52-PAGE REPORT ON THE COVID VACCINE THAT 140 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:02,789 HE SENT TO HIS COLLEAGUES. 141 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:06,692 AMONGST THE INSANITY, THE REPORT SAID THAT "UNKNOWN, OCTOPUS-LIKE 142 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,361 CREATURES ARE BEING INJECTED INTO MILLIONS OF CHILDREN 143 00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:11,964 WORLDWIDE." 144 00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:14,467 YEAH, IT'S CALLED "SQUID GAME." 145 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:15,201 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 146 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,602 AND IT'S FANTASTIC. 147 00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,004 SO I'VE BEEN INFORMED. 148 00:07:18,070 --> 00:07:20,773 IT'S TOO SCARY FOR ME. 149 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,178 ACCORDING TO WEYLER'S REPORT, THE VACCINES ARE ALSO A PLOT TO 150 00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,680 "STEAL OUR VERY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THROUGH 5G." 151 00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:31,918 OH, YOU DON'T NEED TO STEAL MY THOUGHTS. 152 00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:38,524 YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE FOR FREE: WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) ARE YOU 153 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:39,325 TALKING ABOUT? 154 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,927 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 155 00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:50,803 THE REPORT ALSO CLAIMS COVID DEATHS ARE A VATICAN PLOT. 156 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:51,838 WELL, OF COURSE! 157 00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,139 THE MORE PEOPLE DIE, THE MORE PEOPLE GO TO HEAVEN! 158 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,942 THEN THE POPE GETS A KICKBACK FROM GOD. 159 00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:59,745 FOLLOW THE MANNA! 160 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:00,413 FOLLOW THE MANNA! 161 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:02,782 SPEAKING-- ( APPLAUSE ) 162 00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:06,886 SPEAKING OF CRAZY PEOPLE: JANUARY 6th INSURRECTIONISTS. 163 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:09,889 AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST 164 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:12,892 ROUND-UP ROUNDUP. 165 00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:18,898 HEY, I AM UDDERLY-- >> HOLD YOUR HORSES, COW! 166 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,900 I GOT THIS: THESE NEIGH-SAYERS ARE MAD THEY DIDN'T WHINNIE THE 167 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:21,300 ELECTION! 168 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:25,238 >> GOOD ONE! 169 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:26,205 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 170 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,908 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 171 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:31,844 THE CASES-- GETTING LONGER EVERY NIGHT. 172 00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:35,915 THE CASES FOR MANY OF THESE IDIOTIC MANIACS ARE CURRENTLY 173 00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:39,652 WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE COURT SYSTEM, AND AN INTERESTING 174 00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:43,122 TREND HAS EMERGED, BECAUSE FIVE OF THE CAPITOL RIOTERS ARE 175 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,757 TURNING AWAY DEFENSE LAWYERS AND ELECTING TO REPRESENT 176 00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:46,325 THEMSELVES. 177 00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,761 NO, LISTEN. 178 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:51,230 THEY HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES, AND WE 179 00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:53,232 HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO ENJOY EVERY STUPID MINUTE OF IT. 180 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:54,267 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 181 00:08:54,333 --> 00:09:03,609 ( CHEERING ) BECAUSE-- 182 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:08,147 ONE OF THESE DUM-DUMS IS FORMER POLICE OFFICER AND GUY KICKED 183 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,615 OUT OF THE HARLEY-DAVIDSON STORE FOR BEING "A BIT MUCH," ALAN 184 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:12,318 HOSTETTER. 185 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,621 FUN FACT: BEFORE STORMING THE CAPITOL, HOSTETTER WAS A YOGA 186 00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,089 INSTRUCTOR. 187 00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:20,526 NOW HE'S GOING TO NAMA-STAY IN JAIL. 188 00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,328 ( LAUGHTER ) -- NOTHING? 189 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,563 NOTHING, JOE? 190 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:24,864 NOTHING? 191 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:25,898 COME ON. 192 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:30,803 I DISHED THAT ONE UP. 193 00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:36,776 NEXT UP, WE'VE GOT SCHENECTADY MAN AND BULLY FROM EVERY 90s 194 00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:40,780 TEEN MOVIE, BRANDON FELLOWS. 195 00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:43,282 THE JUDGE WARNED BRANDON THAT REPRESENTING HIMSELF WAS A BAD 196 00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:44,717 IDEA, BUT FELLOWS TOOK THE STAND ANYWAY AND PROCEEDED TO 197 00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:47,453 IMMEDIATELY ADMIT TO TWO NEW FELONIES. 198 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,623 ( LAUGHTER ) WAY TO GO, BUDDY! 199 00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:51,090 GOOD FOR YOU! 200 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:56,762 PUT IT OUT THERE! 201 00:09:56,829 --> 00:09:59,131 "SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?" 202 00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:03,636 "NO, BUT I KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED ME OVER. 203 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:08,774 HERE, LET ME POP THE TRUNK. 204 00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:09,709 BE CAREFUL, SHE'S A BITER!" ( LAUGHTER ) 205 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,778 PAINT A PICTURE. 206 00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:15,748 THE NEXT DINGUS-IN-CHAINS IS JANUARY 6 RIOTER DARRELL NEELY, 207 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:19,618 WHO, IN A VIDEO CHAT WITH FRIENDS, BOASTED THAT HE HAD 208 00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:23,289 ATTACKED A U.S. CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER AND HAD TAKEN THE 209 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,757 OFFICER'S U.S.C.P. JACKET, BADGE, NAME TAG, AND BASEBALL 210 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:27,626 CAP. 211 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:28,761 NO! 212 00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:32,965 ONE OF THE FIRST RULES OF CRIMING IS THAT YOU HAVE TO 213 00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:34,166 RESIST THE SWAG! 214 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,769 THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER SAW DANNY OCEAN ROCKING A BELLAGIO VAULT 215 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,638 HEIST 2001 TEE SHIRT. 216 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:42,074 ( APPLAUSE ) 20 YEARS AGO? 217 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:43,175 >> Jon: 20 YEARS AGO. 218 00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,777 >> Stephen: 20 YEARS AGO. 219 00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:47,146 >> Jon: FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. 220 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,982 >> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD. 221 00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:55,588 LAST UP IN THE BONEHEAD BRIGADE IS A MAN NAMED LANDON MITCHELL. 222 00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,223 LANDON BRAGGED TO A FRIEND THAT HE WAS "NOT TOO WORRIED" ABOUT 223 00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,792 BEING IDENTIFIED, BECAUSE HE "WAS MASKED UP THE WHOLE TIME," 224 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:03,562 BRAGGING THAT HE WAS "INVINCIBLE." 225 00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:05,631 APPARENTLY, MITCHELL WORE A CAMOUFLAGE MASK AND COAT. 226 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:09,969 AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO? 227 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,137 JIM? 228 00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:12,805 NO, JIMMY, WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME A PHOTO OF A FLOATING RED 229 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:13,472 HAT? 230 00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:19,845 WHERE'S MITCHELL? 231 00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:21,580 SPEAKING OF SWINE: SURGEONS IN NEW YORK HAVE 232 00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:24,050 SUCCESSFULLY ATTACHED A KIDNEY GROWN IN A GENETICALLY ALTERED 233 00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,117 PIG TO A HUMAN PATIENT. 234 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:31,290 AFTER HEARING THE NEWS, CHARLOTTE CHANGED "SOME PIG" 235 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,958 TO "AHHHH!" ( APPLAUSE ) 236 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,560 NOW, DON'T GET TOO EXCITED. 237 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:39,665 DON'T GO TOO EXCITED, FOLKING. 238 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:40,966 YOU CAN'T GO OUT AND GET ONE OF THESE PIG KIDNEYS TOMORROW. 239 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,735 THIS IS EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY-- SO EXPERIMENTAL, IN FACT, THAT 240 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:46,172 "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HEADLINE READS, "IN A FIRST, SURGEONS 241 00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:49,508 ATTACHED A PIG KIDNEY TO A HUMAN, AND IT WORKED!" 242 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:53,879 WHY DID THE SCIENTISTS SOUND SO SURPRISED? 243 00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:57,516 DO THEY JUST RANDOMLY ATTACH ANIMAL PARTS TO PATIENTS TO SEE 244 00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,150 WHAT STICKS? 245 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,753 "HE'S GOT A BROKEN ARM, HUH? 246 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,922 JAM A DEER HOOF IN THERE. 247 00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,723 SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 248 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,493 ANYTHING? 249 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,394 NO? 250 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:11,063 SEW SOME BABY DUCKS TO HIS BACK. 251 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,298 I'M JUST THROWING CRAP AT THE WALL. 252 00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:14,366 OOH! 253 00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:23,509 THERE'S AN IDEA!" THEN AGAIN-- YOU'RE WELCOME. 254 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:27,480 ( APPLAUSE ) SCIENTISTS ARE SURPRISED ALL THE 255 00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:28,614 TIME. 256 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:29,949 ARCHIMEDES FAMOUSLY SCREAMED "EUREKA!" WHEN HE DISCOVERED 257 00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,050 BUOYANCY. 258 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,120 AND WHO COULD FORGET EINSTEIN'S FAMOUS MAXIM: 259 00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:35,488 "E=MC SQUARED?! 260 00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,123 WELL, (BLEEP) ME!" ( LAUGHTER ) 261 00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:37,857 ( APPLAUSE ). 262 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,024 BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW. 263 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,495 HE DID NOT EXPECT ENERGY AND MASS WOULD BE THE SAME THING. 264 00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:44,363 NEVER SAW IT COMING. 265 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,998 BUT CREATING TRANSPLANTABLE ORGANS FROM PIGS IS A GREAT 266 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,066 MEDICAL ADVANCEMENT. 267 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:50,369 AND IT EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GUY'S GENITALS. 268 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,904 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 269 00:12:51,971 --> 00:12:55,975 TONIGHT. 270 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:57,042 MY GUEST IS ANDIE MacDOWELL. 271 00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:33,946 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 272 00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:35,047 WELCOME BACK! 273 00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:46,959 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW 274 00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:48,961 ALL KNOW, I LOVE DOGS. 275 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:50,196 THEY'RE MAN'S BEST FRIEND. 276 00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:52,364 THAT'S WHY I LET THEM SLEEP IN MY BED AND DIG HOLES NAKED IN MY 277 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:52,965 BACKYARD. 278 00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,601 IT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 279 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:56,969 IN FACT, I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH THAT WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" 280 00:13:57,036 --> 00:14:01,340 HAVE A SPECIAL SEGMENT CALLED "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A 281 00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:04,944 CELEBRITY GUEST AND I HELP FIND RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY TELLING 282 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,948 FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE THESE ALREADY-GREAT DOGS 283 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,650 SEEM EVEN MORE ADOPTABLE. 284 00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,285 AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, EVERY SINGLE DOG THAT WE 285 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,822 HAVE FEATURED HAS SUCCESSFULLY BEEN ADOPTED. 286 00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:17,756 THAT'S OVER 80 DOGS! 287 00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:20,159 ( APPLAUSE ) SO LET'S KEEP THAT PERFECT 288 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,695 RECORD GOING. 289 00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:28,968 IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN, IT'S TIME FOR A SPOOKTACULAR EDITION OF 290 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,972 "RESCUE DOG RESCUE" ( APPLAUSE ) 291 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:39,945 ♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD EVENING! 292 00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:41,947 ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE SOME EXTRA CREEPY 293 00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:44,950 COSTUMED CANINES TONIGHT, AND HERE TO HELP ME IS CO-HOST OF 294 00:14:45,017 --> 00:14:49,255 "MAKING IT" AND VERY GOOD BOY, NICK OFFERMAN! 295 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:49,855 NICK! 296 00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:53,726 ( APPLAUSE ) NICK. 297 00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,661 GOOD TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. 298 00:14:55,728 --> 00:15:00,065 WHAT AN HONOR. 299 00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,467 NICK-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 300 00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,769 OF COURSE. 301 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:06,739 AN AMERICAN TREASURE, AN AMERICAN TREASURE. 302 00:15:06,805 --> 00:15:10,709 NICK, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US. 303 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,444 ARE YOU READY TO LIE ABOUT SOME DOGS? 304 00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:16,982 >> DO BEARS STUDY GEOGRAPHY AT CORNELL? 305 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:19,852 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, THEY DO NOT. 306 00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:23,756 >> EXACTLY. 307 00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:27,359 I WAS MERELY TESTING OUT MY LIES. 308 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:28,961 >> Stephen: THE MAN UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT. 309 00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:31,864 BUT, FIRST, A REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE 310 00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:36,969 ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. 311 00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:40,773 SO LET'S BEGIN. 312 00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:41,273 EVERYBODY, MEET CHUMLEY. 313 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,876 OH! 314 00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:45,878 THIS IS CHUMLEY. 315 00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:48,947 HE'S A VERY OBEDIENT LITTLE VAMPIRE. 316 00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:55,821 HE DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE UNLESS HE'S INVITED FIRST. 317 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:56,455 UNLIKE DRACULA, HE NEVER BITES. 318 00:15:56,522 --> 00:16:00,959 "I ONLY VANT TO CUDDLE." 319 00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:10,636 ( APPLAUSE ) >> THIS IS MILLIE. 320 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:13,872 SHE IS A CANINE-VELOCIRAPTOR HYBRID. 321 00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:16,975 WE WERE SO FOCUSED ON WHETHER WE COULD TURN MILLIE INTO A 322 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:20,946 DINOSAUR THAT WE DIDN'T STOP TO ASK OURSELVES IF WE SHOULD. 323 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:25,851 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW WE KNOW THE ANSWER, AND 324 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,120 ABSOLUTELY IT IS ABSOLUTELY. 325 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:31,857 >> Stephen: MEET TONI. 326 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:43,202 ( APPLAUSE ) MEET TONI. 327 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:44,103 TONI ISN'T JUST DRESSED AS ELMO. 328 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,939 SHE OWNS THE COPYRIGHT TO THE NAME "ELMO." 329 00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,540 ADOPT HER, AND YOU'LL GET PAID EVERY TIME ELMO SAYS "ELMO," AND 330 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:54,513 ELMO SAYS ELMO A LOT. 331 00:16:54,580 --> 00:17:03,589 ( APPLAUSE ) >> MEET TRIXIE. 332 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:06,525 >> Audience: OOOH! 333 00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:11,830 ( APPLAUSE ) TRIXIE IS A PERSONAL CHEF WHO 334 00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:15,667 SPECIALIZES IN SUSTAINABLE VEGAN FOOD. 335 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:19,605 EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE: SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT. 336 00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:30,516 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 337 00:17:30,582 --> 00:17:32,651 >> Stephen: THIS IS RUBY. 338 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,154 THIS IS RUBY. 339 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:42,528 RUBY IS DRESSED LIKE HER HERO, AMELIA EARHART. 340 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,263 RUBY WATCHED THE FIRST HALF OF A DOCUMENTARY ON EARHART ONCE AND 341 00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:46,698 NOW REALLY WANTS TO MEET HER SOMEDAY. 342 00:17:46,765 --> 00:17:53,138 WE HAVEN'T HAD THE HEART TO BREAK THE NEWS TO RUBY, SO IF 343 00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:55,507 YOU ADOPT HER, REMEMBER, AMELIA EARHART IS ALIVE, MARRIED TO A 344 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,611 GUY NAMED TODD, CURRENTLY LIVING IN ARIZONA, BUT DOESN'T HAVE A 345 00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:00,546 PHONE. 346 00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:11,623 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 347 00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:12,858 >> MEET DABBLES. 348 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:19,631 DABBLES IS DRESSED LIKE KEITH RICHARDS, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S A 349 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:23,635 STONES FAN, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM FEEL 350 00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:27,606 INDESTRUCTIBLE. 351 00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:32,110 LIKE KEITH, DABBLES RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, BUT STILL IS 352 00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:39,651 WEARING A NICOTINE PATCH ( APPLAUSE ) 353 00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:42,921 >> Stephen: MEET PICKLES. 354 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:44,223 THIS ISN'T A COSTUME. 355 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:47,759 DUE TO A BOAT-RELATED HEAD INJURY, PICKLES ACTUALLY 356 00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:48,927 BELIEVES HE IS A LOBSTER. 357 00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:51,029 HE'LL BE YOUR LOYAL AND LOVING COMPANION. 358 00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:54,766 JUST, PLEASE, DO NOT COME NEAR HIM WITH MELTED BUTTER. 359 00:18:54,833 --> 00:19:04,810 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 360 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:11,984 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 361 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:15,888 ( APPLAUSE ) >> THIS IS BRAD. 362 00:19:15,954 --> 00:19:20,893 NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT CAN 363 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,829 KEEP THIS LITTLE FELLA FROM GIVING YOU SNUGGLES. 364 00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:27,533 THIS DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANT WILL HAPPILY LICK ALL OF YOUR 365 00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:36,909 STAMPS AS LONG AS YOU PLACE THEM NEAR HIS BALLS. 366 00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:40,913 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT 367 00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:42,281 HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON 368 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,749 HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE 369 00:19:43,815 --> 00:19:44,416 AMERICA. 370 00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:49,922 NICK OFFERMAN EVERYBODY! 371 00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:50,989 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 372 00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:15,948 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 373 00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,249 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 374 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:23,956 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE, HALLOWEEN IS 375 00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:24,923 RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. 376 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:27,359 AND OF COURSE IT WOULDN'T BE HALLOWEEN WITHOUT 377 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:28,460 JACK-O'-LANTERNS. 378 00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:30,395 THERE'S NO BETTER FAMILY TRADITION THAN GETTING OUT THE 379 00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:35,667 CARVING KNIVES AND CUTTING OPEN YOUR THUMB IN FRONT OF THE 380 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:36,702 CHILDREN. 381 00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:39,838 BUT THERE'S A NEW TREND IN GOURD-CARVING THIS YEAR: 382 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,006 DRILLING YOUR PUMPKIN. 383 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:41,773 WARNING: DO NOT GOOGLE "DRILLING YOUR PUMPKIN" ON YOUR WORK 384 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,709 COMPUTER. 385 00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:49,481 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 386 00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:52,384 INSTEAD... 387 00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:53,719 ( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 388 00:20:53,785 --> 00:20:57,489 JACK-O-LANTERN FACES, DRILLING OPENS UP A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF 389 00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,358 DESIGN POSSIBILITIES SO THAT YOUR PUMPKINS CAN LOOK LIKE 390 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,392 THIS. 391 00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,461 BEAUTIFUL! 392 00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:05,497 THANKS TO POWER DRILLS, YOU CAN GET THE SAME LOOK IN SECONDS 393 00:21:05,564 --> 00:21:06,632 THAT IT NORMALLY TAKES MY NEIGHBORHOOD SQUIRRELS DAYS TO 394 00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:09,534 ACHIEVE. 395 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,504 ONE HARDWARE STORE EMPLOYEE EXPLAINED THE ALLURE OF THE 396 00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:16,475 POWER TOOL PUMPKINING, SAYING, "ANYBODY CAN DRILL HOLES IN 397 00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:19,611 SOMETHING, PUT A LITTLE LIGHT INSIDE, AND IT LOOKS FABULOUS!" 398 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,881 WARNING: THAT RULE DOES NOT APPLY TO BOATS. 399 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,815 ( LAUGHTER ). 400 00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:25,217 >> Jon: OH, MAN! 401 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,986 >> Stephen: STILL PRETTY. 402 00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:29,521 BUT I HAVE MY OWN THEORY ON WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG TREND THIS 403 00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:33,492 YEAR: THESE ARE TENSE TIMES, AND TAKING A POWER TOOL TO A PUMPKIN 404 00:21:33,558 --> 00:21:35,394 SOUNDS VERY STRESS RELIEVING. 405 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,496 SO, WITH THAT IN MIND, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS PUT TOGETHER A GUIDE 406 00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:41,500 FOR EVEN MORE FUN WAYS TO CARVE YOUR JACK-O'-LANTERN. 407 00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:44,403 TAKE A LOOK. 408 00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:45,504 >> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S" HOW-TOOOO-WEEEEEN: PUMPKIN 409 00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:48,373 CARVING EDITION! 410 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:55,213 FIRST, YOU CAN TOSS AWAY THOSE BORING OLD KNIVES AND CARVE YOUR 411 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,617 PUMPKIN THE NEW WAY: WITH A POWER DRILL! 412 00:21:58,684 --> 00:22:01,486 DRILLS ALLOW YOU TO MAKE CLEAN, EVEN HOLES. 413 00:22:01,553 --> 00:22:05,490 PLUS, THE SMOOTH ACTION IS VERY THERAPEUTIC. 414 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,261 YOU'RE BARELY EVEN THINKING ABOUT HOW YOUR UNCLE WON'T GET 415 00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:09,828 THE VACCINE. 416 00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:14,766 DRILL THE FEELINGS AWAY! 417 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,502 YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING: EYES, BIGGER EYES. 418 00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:18,704 WHAT THE HELL, MORE EYES! 419 00:22:18,770 --> 00:22:20,739 CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT "MASKS REQUIRED" SIGN NOW, 420 00:22:20,806 --> 00:22:21,473 CAN YA?! 421 00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:22,340 >> YES! 422 00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:25,110 >> NEED TO TAKE THE TOP OFF YOUR PUMPKIN? 423 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:25,610 TRY A HATCHET! 424 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:29,281 DO I NEED A BOOSTER? 425 00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:30,348 DO MY KIDS? 426 00:22:30,415 --> 00:22:35,620 THE HATCHET SAYS "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW!" 427 00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:39,458 AND FOR THE FINE DETAIL WORK, GARDENING SHEARS. 428 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,425 AND IF YOU MAKE LITTLE MISTAKES. 429 00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:41,493 YOU CAN ALWAYS REATTACH PIECES WITH A NAIL GUN. 430 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:42,394 SEE? 431 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:45,497 IT'S FINE. 432 00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:48,066 YOU'RE FINE. 433 00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:49,234 EVERYTHING IS FINE! 434 00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:53,004 ANYTHING CAN BE A PUMPKIN CARVING TOOL, LIKE THE SHOES YOU 435 00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:56,842 WERE GOING TO WEAR TO YOUR COUSIN CARRIE'S WEDDING, UNTIL 436 00:22:56,908 --> 00:23:00,378 YOU FOUND OUT IT WAS INDOORS WITH NO VACCINE REQUIREMENT. 437 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:01,480 YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA, CARRIE! 438 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:06,384 OR, WHAT THE HELL, ANOTHER PUMPKIN! 439 00:23:06,451 --> 00:23:07,853 I WISH! 440 00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:09,321 MY IN-SUR-ANCE! 441 00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:09,721 COVERED THER-APY! 442 00:23:09,788 --> 00:23:12,390 ALMOST DONE. 443 00:23:12,457 --> 00:23:21,500 JUST A FEW FINISHING TOUCHES. 444 00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:24,402 AND WHEN YOUR DESIGN FEELS PERFECT, CREATE CHARACTERS, 445 00:23:24,469 --> 00:23:29,107 LIKE... DRACULA! 446 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:29,674 A SCARY MUMMY! 447 00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:33,478 OR THE BACKSTREET BOYS! 448 00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:35,580 UNCANNY! 449 00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:39,718 YOUR JACK-O'-LANTERNS WILL BE THE TALK OF THE TOWN. 450 00:23:39,785 --> 00:23:41,486 >> HEY, I'M STILL BLEEDING HERE. 451 00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:43,822 >> HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 452 00:23:43,889 --> 00:23:46,691 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDIE MacDOWELL. 453 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:47,759 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 454 00:24:11,983 --> 00:24:16,922 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 455 00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:20,926 FOLKS, JOINING ME NOW IS AN ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM 456 00:24:20,992 --> 00:24:23,929 CAN THE GROUNDHOG DAY," "FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL," AND 457 00:24:23,995 --> 00:24:25,597 HER LATEST ROLE IS IN THE NETFLIX SERIES, "MAID." 458 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,399 PLEASE WELCOME ANDIE MacDOWELL! 459 00:24:27,465 --> 00:24:29,467 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 460 00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:48,220 HEY. 461 00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:48,954 >> HI. 462 00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:50,589 >> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON. 463 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:51,957 >> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 464 00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:57,963 >> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE ANOTHER SOUTH CAROLINIAN. 465 00:24:58,029 --> 00:25:02,200 IT'S YOU ME, TOM GIBSON AND CHRIS ROCK. 466 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:07,906 >> I'M GLAD YOU KNOW ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THERE. 467 00:25:07,973 --> 00:25:09,007 I'M FROM GAFFNEY. 468 00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:14,913 >> Stephen: IT'S FAIRLY FAMOUS, THE GIANT WATER TOWER. 469 00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:17,148 THE TOWN IS PAINTED LIKE A PEACH. 470 00:25:17,215 --> 00:25:19,651 >> IT LOOKS LIKE A GREAT BIG BUTT IN THE SKY. 471 00:25:19,718 --> 00:25:20,852 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 472 00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:24,656 I HEAR-- IS THIS TRUE-- IT WAS REPAINTED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE 473 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:28,093 SCANDALIZED BECAUSE THE PEACH NOW REPRESENTS THE BUTT EMOJI, 474 00:25:28,159 --> 00:25:32,664 SO YOU ALL PAINTEDLY THE CRACK OUT OF IT. 475 00:25:32,731 --> 00:25:34,599 >> I HAVE TO GO STUDY IT. 476 00:25:34,666 --> 00:25:36,635 I HAVEN'T STUDIED IT FOR A WHILE. 477 00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:37,802 >> Stephen: PLEASE DO. 478 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:41,006 >> I WANT TO SAY REALLY QUICK THAT MY DAUGHTER IS THRILLED 479 00:25:41,072 --> 00:25:43,441 THAT I'M HERE, MY DAUGHTER MARGARET. 480 00:25:43,508 --> 00:25:45,777 >> Stephen: SHE'S A WONDERFULLY TALENTED ACTRESS. 481 00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:55,287 >> I HOPE YOU HAVE HER ON SOME DAY BECAUSE SHE ADORS YOU. 482 00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:56,521 >> Stephen: DONE. 483 00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:58,256 PEOPLE LOVE YOU FOR SO MANY OF YOUR FILMS, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY 484 00:25:58,323 --> 00:26:01,893 I DIDN'T KNOW THIS, I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU AS AN ACTRESS, YOU 485 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:07,532 STARTED OFF AS A MODEL, WHICH FOR SOME REASON I DID NOT KNOW. 486 00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:08,266 >> OH, WOW. 487 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,568 >> Stephen: I DID NOT KNOW THAT. 488 00:26:10,635 --> 00:26:16,708 YOUR FULL NAME ROSALIE ANDERSON MacDOWELL. 489 00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:20,879 WHAT DOES LITTLE ROSY ANDIE MacDOWELL THINK OF THE WORLD 490 00:26:20,946 --> 00:26:24,316 OF COUTURE WHEN SHE FIRST GOT INTO IT? 491 00:26:24,382 --> 00:26:29,621 >> COMING FROM GAFFNEY, I KNEW WHO CALVIN KLEIN WAS, AND RALPH 492 00:26:29,688 --> 00:26:30,121 LAUREN. 493 00:26:30,188 --> 00:26:31,690 I HAD HEARD OF THAT. 494 00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:35,393 I THINK I OWNED A PAIR OF RALPH LAUREN JEANS. 495 00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:41,967 ANYWAY, I WENT TO PARIS, I WAS WORKING QUICKLY, HELEN NEWTON 496 00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:43,234 SHOT THE PHOTOGRAPHS. 497 00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:48,239 AND I WOULD SHOW UP AT THE FRONT DOOR WITH MY T-SHIRT AND JEANS. 498 00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:53,445 AND THEY WOULD GO, "ANDIE, PLEASE, JUST SOME LIPSTICK." 499 00:26:53,511 --> 00:26:54,980 AND WHAT I WOULD DO ME. 500 00:26:55,046 --> 00:26:57,716 >> Stephen: WERE YOU WORKING WITH THE DESIGNERS YOURSELF. 501 00:26:57,782 --> 00:26:59,584 >> HE WOULD DRESS ME. 502 00:26:59,651 --> 00:27:03,722 THEY WOULD DO MY HAIR AND MAKEUP FIRST, AND PUT ME IN A BATH 503 00:27:03,788 --> 00:27:06,992 ROBE, AND YOU WOULD BE NAKED-- I KNOW, JUST DROP THE BATH ROBE. 504 00:27:07,058 --> 00:27:09,027 >> Stephen: SO YOU'RE ALL DONE UP, UP HERE. 505 00:27:09,094 --> 00:27:13,331 >> YOU'RE DONE EXCEPT FOR -- >> Stephen: FROM HERE DOWN 506 00:27:13,398 --> 00:27:14,933 YOU'RE WHAT GOD GAVE YOU. 507 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,067 >> THAT'S IT. 508 00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:19,304 AND THEN THEY DRESS YOU. 509 00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:21,740 >> Stephen: ARE THERE PEOPLE MEASURING YOU THE WHOLE TIME? 510 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:25,877 >> THERE ARE LADIES ON BLEACHERS DRESSED ALL IN BLARK BEAUTIFULLY 511 00:27:25,944 --> 00:27:27,078 DONE. 512 00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:29,647 THEY ALL WEAR BLACK AND RED LIPSTICK AND SIT THERE AND TAKE 513 00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:31,883 NOTES AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WAS PICKING OUT FOR YOU TO WEAR 514 00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,051 IN THE SHOW. 515 00:27:33,118 --> 00:27:35,754 >> Stephen: THIS SEEMS LIKE A DISTONIAN MOVIE OR SOMETHING 516 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:36,421 LIKE THAT. 517 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:37,489 >> IT WAS SO MUCH FUN, THOUGH. 518 00:27:37,555 --> 00:27:38,590 I HAVE TO SAY. 519 00:27:38,656 --> 00:27:40,592 >> Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PHOTO RIGHT HERE? 520 00:27:40,658 --> 00:27:41,192 DO YOU REMEMBER THIS MOMENT? 521 00:27:41,259 --> 00:27:42,894 >> OH, YEAH, THAT WAS FUN. 522 00:27:42,961 --> 00:27:44,462 THAT WAS IN TIMES SQUARE. 523 00:27:44,529 --> 00:27:46,564 BUT YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: WHERE ARE YOU? 524 00:27:46,631 --> 00:27:47,732 THAT YOU. 525 00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:49,200 THAT LITTLE PINJ PERSON RIGHT THERE. 526 00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:53,571 >> I STILL DIDN'T DRESS VERY WELL IN MY WE'LL LIFE. 527 00:27:53,638 --> 00:27:55,807 >> Stephen: IS THIS YOUR FIRST BILLBOARD IN TIMES SQUARE? 528 00:27:55,874 --> 00:27:58,643 >> YES, IT WAS, IT WAS. 529 00:27:58,710 --> 00:28:04,983 BUT YOU KNOW "MAID" WAS IN TIMES SQUARE, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS 530 00:28:05,050 --> 00:28:06,618 FASCINATING. 531 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:08,820 "MAID," THE POSTER OF THE SHOW THAT I DID WITH MY DAUGHTER. 532 00:28:08,887 --> 00:28:11,389 THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN FOR ME COMING FROM A SMALL TOWN AND 533 00:28:11,456 --> 00:28:12,123 HAVING SUCCESS. 534 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:13,425 I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT IT. 535 00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:15,994 I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I WOULD DO TEMPORARILY WHILE I 536 00:28:16,061 --> 00:28:16,861 FIGURED UP ON THE MY LIFE. 537 00:28:16,928 --> 00:28:17,762 >> Stephen: SURE. 538 00:28:17,829 --> 00:28:20,265 >> AND I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED THAT -- 539 00:28:20,331 --> 00:28:22,233 >> Stephen: THAT IT WORKED OUT. 540 00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:23,802 >> THAT IT WORKED OUT. 541 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:26,938 AND I WORKED ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I WAS SO HAPPY TO WORK. 542 00:28:27,005 --> 00:28:31,876 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOU BEING SHOT-- THIS IS IN KENYA FOR 543 00:28:31,943 --> 00:28:32,510 "BRITISH VOGUE." 544 00:28:32,577 --> 00:28:34,446 >> AREN'T YOU SWEET. 545 00:28:34,512 --> 00:28:35,246 THANK YOU. 546 00:28:35,313 --> 00:28:38,016 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOU ON A MIRROR? 547 00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:38,716 WHAT IS THAT? 548 00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:40,685 >> I THINK IT MIGHT BE A PIANO. 549 00:28:40,752 --> 00:28:42,153 WITH A GREAT REFLECTION. 550 00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:43,888 I DON'T KNOW. 551 00:28:43,955 --> 00:28:48,993 >> Stephen: SURE, IF YOU WANT TO GO UP THERE WITH JON BEFORE 552 00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:51,062 YOU LEAVE, FEEL FREE. 553 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:55,200 >> Stephen: "GROUNDHOG DAY" "FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL" 554 00:28:55,266 --> 00:28:58,837 MADE YOU AN INSTANT CELEBRITY, AND WHEN YOU GET FAMOUS PEOPLE 555 00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:01,339 FOLLOW YOU AROUND A LOT AND PEOPLE WRITE ABOUT YOU ALL THE 556 00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:02,607 TIME. 557 00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:05,777 WHAT'S THE THING PEOPLE-- WHAT'S THE THING PEOPLE MOST GOT WRONG 558 00:29:05,844 --> 00:29:07,045 ABOUT YOU? 559 00:29:07,112 --> 00:29:10,715 >> OKAY, THERE WERE ALL KINDS OF CRAZY THINGS BUT THE MOST INSANE 560 00:29:10,782 --> 00:29:13,852 THING THAT HAPPENED IS SOMEBODY SENT ME AN ARTICLE FROM A 561 00:29:13,918 --> 00:29:17,355 NEWSPAPER IN MEXICO THAT SAID I WAS THE ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER OF 562 00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:19,424 CHARLIE CHAPLIN. 563 00:29:19,491 --> 00:29:19,924 I KNOW. 564 00:29:19,991 --> 00:29:21,025 I WAS LIKE, REALLY? 565 00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,894 I AM? 566 00:29:22,961 --> 00:29:23,895 NO, NO. 567 00:29:23,962 --> 00:29:27,699 >> Stephen: WHEN DID CHARLIE GET DOWN TO GAFFNEY. 568 00:29:27,765 --> 00:29:29,134 >> I DON'T KNOW! 569 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,469 BUT I MET HIS DAUGHTER YEARS LATER. 570 00:29:31,536 --> 00:29:34,105 I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER, BUT I DID NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING 571 00:29:34,172 --> 00:29:34,906 AT ME. 572 00:29:34,973 --> 00:29:37,342 I DON'T KNOW IF SHE READ THE ARTICLE. 573 00:29:37,408 --> 00:29:38,643 BUT I'M NOT. 574 00:29:38,710 --> 00:29:39,677 I'M NOT. 575 00:29:39,744 --> 00:29:40,912 >> Stephen: SHE WAS LOOKING FOR A LITTLE MUSTACHE. 576 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:43,047 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 577 00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,315 STICK AROUND. 578 00:29:44,382 --> 00:29:45,583 WHEN WE COME BACK I'LL ASK ANDIE ABOUT WORKING WITH HER DAUGHTER 579 00:30:11,009 --> 00:30:15,713 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "MAID" ON NETFLIX, ANDIE 580 00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:16,948 MacDOWELL. 581 00:30:17,015 --> 00:30:22,187 AS YOU SAID EARLIER, YOU HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, ACTUALLY, IN SHOW 582 00:30:22,253 --> 00:30:23,354 BUSINESS, RAINEE AND MARGARET. 583 00:30:23,421 --> 00:30:24,489 >> YES. 584 00:30:24,556 --> 00:30:27,292 >> Stephen: AS A MOM, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS AN 585 00:30:27,358 --> 00:30:29,027 EASY BUSINESS. 586 00:30:29,093 --> 00:30:32,597 AND WHAT DID YOU THINK-- WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST REACTION WHEN 587 00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:35,266 THEY SAID, "MOM, WE WANT TO DO WHAT YOU DO?" 588 00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:39,304 >> RIGHT, WELL, IT REALLY KIND OF HAPPENED AS A NATURAL 589 00:30:39,370 --> 00:30:43,274 PROCESS, BECAUSE THEY DANCED AND THEY DID THEATER GROWING UP. 590 00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:48,613 AND ACTUALLY IN ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA. 591 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,848 >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD THEATER TOWN. 592 00:30:50,915 --> 00:30:54,986 >> IT MADE ME-- I WAS REALLY FLATTERED. 593 00:30:55,053 --> 00:30:57,155 I WAS HONORED AND REASSURED I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO MESS THEM 594 00:30:57,222 --> 00:31:00,992 UP AND IT MADE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT. 595 00:31:01,059 --> 00:31:04,729 I HADN'T SCREWED THEM UP BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO DO WHAT I 596 00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:07,298 DO -- >> Stephen: THEY WOULD REJECT 597 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:07,632 YOU. 598 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:08,466 >> YEAH,. 599 00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:11,536 >> Stephen: DID YOU LIVE IN ASHEVILLE? 600 00:31:11,603 --> 00:31:13,171 >> I RAISED THEM PRIMARILY IN ASHEVILLE. 601 00:31:13,238 --> 00:31:17,442 >> Stephen: WAS IT IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO INJECT A LITTLE 602 00:31:17,508 --> 00:31:18,176 SOUTHERNNESS INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS? 603 00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:19,444 >> I DO. 604 00:31:19,510 --> 00:31:20,778 THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT THE SOUTH THAT I FIND DIFFICULT, 605 00:31:20,845 --> 00:31:24,549 BUT I LOVE MANNERS, BEAUTIFUL MANNERS. 606 00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:25,350 AND TRADITION. 607 00:31:25,416 --> 00:31:28,419 AND I WANTED THEM TO KNOW MY FAMILY. 608 00:31:28,486 --> 00:31:30,788 IT WAS A MULTITUDE OF THOSE DIFFERENT THINGS THAT-- AND 609 00:31:30,855 --> 00:31:33,691 THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THE SIMPLICITY OF A SMALL TOWN THAT 610 00:31:33,758 --> 00:31:38,963 I REALLY ENJOY. 611 00:31:39,030 --> 00:31:42,267 I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW, AND MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER, MARGARET, 612 00:31:42,333 --> 00:31:46,037 THAT I'M IN "MAID" WITH THAT TOOK ME THERE, ENDED UP TAKING 613 00:31:46,104 --> 00:31:48,873 ME THERE. 614 00:31:48,940 --> 00:31:50,074 I'M HAPPY THERE NOW. 615 00:31:50,141 --> 00:31:52,410 >> Stephen: IT'S HAPPY TO BE WORKING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO. 616 00:31:52,477 --> 00:31:54,445 >> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WORKING WITH MY DAUGHTER. 617 00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:56,914 >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT "MAID." 618 00:31:56,981 --> 00:31:58,349 IT'S ON NET FLIX. 619 00:31:58,416 --> 00:31:59,550 TELL ME ABOUT THE SHOW. 620 00:31:59,617 --> 00:32:00,818 WHAT IS IT ABOUT? 621 00:32:00,885 --> 00:32:04,522 >> OH, WOW, WELL, MY DAUGHTER IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, AND 622 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:12,030 SHE HAS THIS CHILD, AND SHE ENDS UP BEING A DOMESTIC WORKER, A 623 00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:12,630 HOUSEKEEPER. 624 00:32:12,697 --> 00:32:13,898 AND IT'S ABOUT THE SYSTEM. 625 00:32:13,965 --> 00:32:15,800 IT'S ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THE SYSTEM IS. 626 00:32:15,867 --> 00:32:19,203 AND TRYING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND GET OUT OF 627 00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:22,507 AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, HOW COMPLEX THAT IS. 628 00:32:22,573 --> 00:32:26,210 AND ON TOP OF IT, SHE HAS ME TO DEAL WITH. 629 00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:27,545 I'M BIPOLAR. 630 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,248 AND IT'S JUST A REALLY COMPLICATED LIFE. 631 00:32:30,315 --> 00:32:36,954 AND IT'S-- YOU KNOW, SHE TAKES THIS JOURNEY OF REALLY WANTING 632 00:32:37,021 --> 00:32:38,122 TO GO TO COLLEGE. 633 00:32:38,189 --> 00:32:41,326 SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO COLLEGE ORIGINALLY, AND THEN IT 634 00:32:41,392 --> 00:32:42,293 ALL FELL APART. 635 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,896 >> Stephen: WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP RIGHT HERE. 636 00:32:44,962 --> 00:32:45,263 JIM. 637 00:32:45,330 --> 00:32:45,930 >> I'M FINE. 638 00:32:45,997 --> 00:32:47,899 >> YOU'RE HOMELESS MOM. 639 00:32:47,965 --> 00:32:48,466 YOU'RE LIVING IN YOUR CAR. 640 00:32:48,533 --> 00:32:50,468 >> WILL YOU JUST STOP! 641 00:32:50,535 --> 00:32:51,002 >> NO. 642 00:32:51,069 --> 00:32:51,736 >> PLEASE! 643 00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:53,638 I LOVE MY CAR! 644 00:32:53,705 --> 00:32:54,972 >> YOU'RE HOMELESS, MOM. 645 00:32:55,039 --> 00:32:58,042 >> WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST STOP! 646 00:32:58,109 --> 00:33:00,778 JUST STOP I'M UNDER THE STARS! 647 00:33:00,845 --> 00:33:03,648 I'M INDEPENDENT! 648 00:33:03,715 --> 00:33:10,755 THE POINT IS, HONEY, YOU KNOW, I LIKE BEING A GYPSY. 649 00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:12,623 I LIKE BEING MOBILE OKAY. 650 00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:13,725 YOU KNOW ME, I'M SCRAPPY. 651 00:33:13,791 --> 00:33:15,126 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 652 00:33:15,193 --> 00:33:16,661 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 653 00:33:16,728 --> 00:33:18,963 I CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT YOU IN A HOTEL. 654 00:33:19,030 --> 00:33:20,798 I CAN'T BRING YOU TO THE SHELTER. 655 00:33:20,865 --> 00:33:21,733 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, MOM. 656 00:33:21,799 --> 00:33:25,236 >> I'M NOT YOUR PROBLEM, ALEXANDRA. 657 00:33:25,303 --> 00:33:26,471 >> YES, YOU ARE. 658 00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:27,872 >> NO, YOU'RE NOT. 659 00:33:27,939 --> 00:33:33,945 I'M YOUR MOTHER I AM! 660 00:33:34,011 --> 00:33:36,481 >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY TO SEE THE TWO OF YOU 661 00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:37,115 TOGETHER. 662 00:33:37,181 --> 00:33:38,716 IT'S A PAINFUL SCENE. 663 00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:41,352 IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE DONE THAT TOGETHER? 664 00:33:41,419 --> 00:33:42,186 >> YES. 665 00:33:42,253 --> 00:33:44,055 IT'S BECAUSE OF HER THAT I GOT THE JOB. 666 00:33:44,122 --> 00:33:45,490 SHE SUGGESTED ME. 667 00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:48,960 >> Stephen: SHE WAS CAST FIRST. 668 00:33:49,026 --> 00:33:52,797 >> SHE WAS CAST FIRST AND ALREADY WORKING AND NEEDED 669 00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:55,433 SOMEBODY TO PLAY PAULA, AND SHE SAID, "I THINK THE PERSON WHO 670 00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:58,569 WOULD BE BEST FOR THIS IS MY MOTHER." 671 00:33:58,636 --> 00:34:02,507 AND I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED, BECAUSE SHE REALLY INDEPENDENT 672 00:34:02,573 --> 00:34:05,977 AND I THOUGHT AWAY WOULD WORK TOGETHER WHEN I WAS REALLY OLD. 673 00:34:06,043 --> 00:34:08,246 >> Stephen: DID YOU RESIST AT ALL? 674 00:34:08,312 --> 00:34:09,514 "NO, I SHOULDN'T DO IT." 675 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:14,285 >> NO, NO, MY HEART JUST SWELLED THAT SHE WANTED ME TO PLAY THIS 676 00:34:14,352 --> 00:34:15,119 CHARACTER. 677 00:34:15,186 --> 00:34:17,922 AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT ROLE, TOO. 678 00:34:17,989 --> 00:34:20,158 AND I THINK IT WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME. 679 00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:23,861 I DON'T THINK PEOPLE HAD SEEN ME PLAY THIS TYPE OF CHARACTER. 680 00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:24,929 SO -- >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER SEEN 681 00:34:24,996 --> 00:34:27,765 YOU HOMELESS BEFORE. 682 00:34:27,832 --> 00:34:30,835 WELL, IT WAS LOVELY TO MEET YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING. 683 00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:31,869 >> THANK YOU. 684 00:34:31,936 --> 00:34:33,971 >> Stephen: TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO STOP BY ANY TIME. 685 00:34:34,038 --> 00:34:35,273 >> YOU'LL ENJOY HER. 686 00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:36,941 I HOPE SO. 687 00:34:37,008 --> 00:34:37,575 "MAID" IS AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX. 688 00:34:37,642 --> 00:34:38,676 ANDIE MacDOWELL, EVERYBODY! 689 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:40,211 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY LANA DEL REY. 690 00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:09,073 >> DO CONSERVATIVE FANS SCOLD YOU TO STOP FORCING YOUR LIBERAL 691 00:35:09,140 --> 00:35:13,177 VIEWS ON THEM SO THEY CAN ENJOY THEIR APOLITICAL MOVIES ABOUT 692 00:35:13,244 --> 00:35:15,746 OPPRESSED PEOPLE'S REBELGRADE AGAINST A FASCIST EMPIRE? 693 00:35:15,813 --> 00:35:19,016 >> HISTORY DOESN'T REPEAT ITSELF, BUT HUMAN NATURE REMAINS 694 00:35:19,083 --> 00:35:19,817 THE SAME. 695 00:35:19,884 --> 00:35:20,985 >> I'M NOT SURE WE REMAIN THE SAME. 696 00:35:21,052 --> 00:35:24,655 >> I USED TO BE A LITTLE BABY, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW-- A BIG, 697 00:35:24,722 --> 00:35:25,723 STRONG MAN. 698 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:26,924 >> I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO COME IN HERE AND 699 00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:28,359 INAPPROPRIATELY DISCLOSE INSIDER INFORMATION. 700 00:35:28,426 --> 00:35:33,030 >> OUR HACKERS DUG IT UP ON THE SUPER SECRET SE C.GOV. 701 00:35:33,097 --> 00:35:36,033 >> I'M NOT A DOOM AND GLOOM GUY. 702 00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:36,767 I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE. 703 00:35:36,834 --> 00:35:37,602 >> NO, I AM. 704 00:35:37,668 --> 00:35:39,470 >> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO! 705 00:35:39,537 --> 00:35:42,006 YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL MY IDEAS! 706 00:35:42,073 --> 00:35:44,075 >> I'LL SEE YOUR ASS IN COURT! 707 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:03,928 >> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "BLUE BANISTERS," CAME OUT TODAY! 708 00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:10,134 PERFORMING "ARCADIA," LANA DEL REY. 709 00:36:10,201 --> 00:36:11,969 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ MY BODY IS A MAP OF L.A. 710 00:36:16,307 --> 00:36:19,944 I STAND STRAIGHT LIKE ♪ AN ANGEL 711 00:36:20,011 --> 00:36:26,784 WITH A HALO ♪ HANGIN' OUT THE HILTON HOTEL 712 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:31,956 WINDOW SCREAMIN' ♪ "HEY, YOU 713 00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:35,927 BABY, LET'S GO" ♪ MY CHEST 714 00:36:35,993 --> 00:36:41,933 THE SIERRA MADRE ♪ MY HIPS 715 00:36:41,999 --> 00:36:44,936 EVERY HIGH AND BYWAY ♪ THAT YOU TRACE WITH YOUR 716 00:36:45,002 --> 00:36:48,940 FINGERTIPS LIKE A TOYOTA ♪ RUN YOUR HANDS OVER ME 717 00:36:49,006 --> 00:36:56,948 LIKE A LAND ROVER ♪ IN ARCADIA 718 00:36:57,014 --> 00:37:08,659 ARCADIA ♪ ALL ROADS THAT LEAD TO YOU 719 00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:12,930 AS INTEGRAL TO ME AS ARTERIES ♪ THAT PUMP THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS 720 00:37:12,997 --> 00:37:20,938 STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF ME ♪ AMERICA 721 00:37:21,005 --> 00:37:27,912 AMERICA ♪ I CAN'T SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT 722 00:37:27,979 --> 00:37:32,950 SEND ME A HILTON HOTEL ♪ OR A CROSS ON THE HILL 723 00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:39,890 I'M A LOST LITTLE GIRL ♪ FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU 724 00:37:39,957 --> 00:37:47,365 ARCADIA ♪ ♪ ♪ 725 00:37:57,008 --> 00:37:59,443 ♪ MY BODY IS A MAP OF L.A. 726 00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:03,881 AND MY HEART IS ♪ LIKE PAPER 727 00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:08,786 I HATE YOU ♪ I'M NOT FROM THE LAND OF 728 00:38:08,853 --> 00:38:15,893 THE PALMS ♪ SO I KNOW I CAN'T STAY HERE 729 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:20,931 I'M NOT NATIVE, BUT ♪ MY CURVES 730 00:38:20,998 --> 00:38:24,935 SAN GABRIEL ALL DAY ♪ AND MY LIPS 731 00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:28,039 LIKE THE FIRE LICKS THE BAY ♪ IF YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW 732 00:38:28,105 --> 00:38:32,943 YOURSELF YOU CAN COME OVER 733 00:38:33,010 --> 00:38:39,884 ♪ LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME LIKE YOU'RE A LAND ROVER 734 00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:48,926 ♪ IN ARCADIA ARCADIA 735 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:56,901 ♪ ALL ROADS THAT LEAD TO YOU AS INTEGRAL TO ME AS ARTERIES 736 00:38:56,967 --> 00:39:00,938 ♪ THAT PUMP THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF ME 737 00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:12,917 ♪ AMERICA I NEED A MIRACLE 738 00:39:12,983 --> 00:39:16,921 ♪ I CAN'T SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT SEND ME A HILTON HOTEL 739 00:39:16,987 --> 00:39:21,892 ♪ OR A CROSS ON THE HILL I'M A LOST LITTLE GIRL 740 00:39:21,959 --> 00:39:32,803 ♪ FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU ARCADIA 741 00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:36,974 ♪ THEY BUILT ME UP 300 FEET TALL 742 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:39,910 ♪ JUST TO TEAR ME DOWN SO I'M LEAVIN' WITH 743 00:39:39,977 --> 00:39:45,883 ♪ NOTHING BUT LAUGHTER AND THIS TOWN 744 00:39:45,950 --> 00:39:51,889 ♪ AMERICA FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU 745 00:39:51,956 --> 00:39:56,494 ♪ I'M LEAVIN' THEM AS I WAS FIVE-FOOT-EIGHT 746 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,163 ♪ WESTERN BELT PLUS THE HATE 747 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:00,931 ♪ THAT THEY GAVE BY THE WAY 748 00:40:00,998 --> 00:40:03,901 ♪ THANKS FOR THAT ON THE WAY 749 00:40:03,968 --> 00:40:12,943 ♪ I'LL PRAY FOR YOU BUT YOU'LL NEED A MIRACLE 750 00:40:13,010 --> 00:40:15,012 ♪ AMERICA ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 751 00:40:32,029 --> 00:40:35,966 >> Stephen: LANA DEL REY, EVERYBODY! 752 00:40:36,033 --> 00:40:36,967 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 753 00:40:37,034 --> 00:40:39,236 HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. 754 00:40:39,303 --> 00:40:39,737 GOOD NIGHT.