>> A NEW AND UPDATED VERSION OF THE POPE'S PRAYER APP, "CLICK TO
PRAY 2.0," WAS PRESENTED YESTERDAY BY THE POPE'S
WORLDWIDE PRAYER NETWORK.
THE APP OFFERS A VARIETY OF WAYS TO PRAY WITH THE HOLY FATHER ON
A DAILY BASIS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO, I'M FATHER UMLAUT
MENDLESHONE, CHIEF ENGINEER AT PAPPLE.
AT PAPPLE, WE REINVENTED THE WAY PEOPLE COMMUNICATE WITH GOD,
INTRODUCING "CLICK TO PRAY 2.0" A REVOLUTIONARY NEW APP ENABLING
USERS TO SEAMLESSLY UPLOAD PRAYERS DIRECTLY TO THE CLOUD OF
GLORY.
WHEN IT ONCE TOOK TWO HANDS TO TALK TO GOD, NOW IT ONLY TAKES
ONE.
TO MAKE SURE YOUR PRAYERS ARE SECURE, WE USE A
STATE-OF-THE-ART TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION PROCESS TO
PREVENT ACCESS FROM FALSE GODS, SUCH AS ZEUS OR OPRAH.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY INNOVATION IN INVOCATION.
OUR APP ALSO INCLUDES REPENTANCE EMOJIS, SO YOU CAN ILLUSTRATE
YOUR CONTRIVENESS IN A WHIMSICLE WAY: ADULTERY, MASTURBATION, AND
FLAG OF URUGUAY.
THE APP ALSO INCLUDES PUSH NOTIFICATIONS DIRECTLY FROM GOD,
SUCH AS "THOU SHALL NOT KILL," OR "THOU SHALL INSTALL UPDATE
2.4 BUG FIXES."
DOWNLOAD "CLICK TO PRAY" TODAY AND START SLIDING INTO GOD'S
D.M.s.
"CLICK TO PRAY 2.0," FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU PRAZE AND
SINSTAGRAM.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: OUT OF STOCKING STUFFERS.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: ANDIE MacDOWELL
AND MUSICAL GUEST LANA DEL REY WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
NICK OFFERMAN.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FRIDAY.
OH, I LIKE IT.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A SHARKSKIN THING GOING ON.
THAT'S LOVELY.
VERY NICE.
HEY!
COME ON.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
THAT'S LOVELY.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS A VERY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THAT FEELING, THAT SOUND, THAT SOUND RIGHT THERE.
WHAT IS THAT SOUND?
>> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.
THAT'S IT.
YOU COULD TAKE A CORE SAMPLE OF THIS AUDIENCE AND COUNT THE
LAYERS OF FRIDAY IN IT.
LISTEN, WE KNOW WHY EVERYBODY IS SO EXCITED.
HALLOWEEN IS APPROACHING, AND THAT MEANS ONE THING: CHRISTMAS.
IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO STARTS THEIR HOLIDAY
SHOPPING TWO MONTHS EARLY, YOU'RE WAY TOO LATE, BECAUSE DUE
TO PANDEMIC-RELATED SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES, EXPERTS SAY WE SHOULD
EXPECT A SHORTAGE OF TOYS, GIFTS, AND DECOR THIS CHRISTMAS.
SO ALL WE HAVE THIS YEAR IS FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND A
CELEBRATION OF THE BIRTH OF THE CHRIST CHILD?
THAT'S NOT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS!
I WANT AN AIR FRYER!
( LAUGHTER ) THEY MAKE THINGS CRISP WITH NO
OIL!
THAT'S THE REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
( APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT OUR
ABUNDANCE OF SHORTAGES IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED:
HOLIDAY EDITION."
♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS THEY'RE STILL ON THE WAY ♪
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE PROBLEM IS THAT
ALMOST EVERYTHING WE BUY IS MADE IN ASIA.
AND DUE TO SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES, THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES FOR
A POPULAR GIFT TO GO FROM CHINA TO OUR STORE SHELVES IS ABOUT 70
DAYS.
YOU COULD GET IT HERE QUICKER VIA RUDOLPH, THE ACTUAL
REINDEER.
AND IT'S NOT JUST SHIPPING.
THANKS TO COVID, FACTORY CLOSURES IN VIETNAM ARE
AFFECTING BRANDS FROM PACSUN TO NIKE.
SO IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR KIDS NIKES, PLAN AHEAD.
AND IF YOU'RE GETTING THEM SOMETHING FROM PACSUN, THEY
DON'T WANT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SHORTAGES-- SO I HEAR.
I AM INFORMED.
I AM INFORMED THAT THAT IS THE CASE.
SHORTAGES ARE ALSO HITTING THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TOY BRANDS,
INCLUDING FISHER-PRICE, TONKA TRUCKS, K'NEX, AND CARE BEARS.
ALSO TOYS LIKE SNO CONE, THE HAPPY UNICORN, AND THE POPULAR
L.O.L. DOLLS.
SO WHILE YOU CAN'T GET AN L.O.L.
DOLL, THEY HAVE INTRODUCED A LINE OF LEFTOVERS FROM THE
FACTORY FLOOR: W.T.F. DOLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NOW, AGAIN-- I'M INFORMED.
MAYBE YOU'RE SAYING, "THAT'S FINE, STEVE.
I'LL GIVE THE GIFT OF BOOKS."
WELL, THINK AGAIN, NERD, BECAUSE ( LAUGHTER )
DUE TO A PAPER SHORTAGE, BOOKSTORES MAY NOT HAVE THE BOOK
YOU WANT THIS HOLIDAY, INCLUDING FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S COLLABORATION, "RENEGADES:
BORN IN THE USA."
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
BECAUSE THAT'S A GOOD BOOK.
AT LEAST THEY HAVE PLENTY OF COPIES OF FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY
CARTER AND JON BON JOVI'S COLLABORATION: "LIVIN' ON A
PEANUT FARM."
♪ WHOA, I DON'T MEAN NO HARM!
WHOA, LIVIN' ON A PEANUT FARM! ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK I NEED A KEY CHANGE.
I NEED A KEY CHANGE.
>> Jon: KEY CHANGE.
>> Stephen: HALFWAY THROUGH.
I WENT-- I WENT-- I DIDN'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH.
EVEN IF YOUR GIFTS MAKE IT THROUGH THE PORTS, THEY MAY HAVE
A HARD TIME REACHING YOUR MAILBOX, BECAUSE DUE TO CHANGES
OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS, EXPERTS ARE PREDICTING MAIL
DELIVERY WILL BE SLOWER THAN IN THE 1970s.
AND THE 70'S MAIL DELIVERY WAS SO BAD, I'M STILL WAITING ON MY
LATEST ISSUE OF "LIFE" MAGAZINE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE PICTURES OF TRICIA NIXON'S WEDDING!
YOU KNOW WHAT HAS NO TROUBLE TRAVELING ALL AROUND THE WORLD:
INSANE VACCINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DISINFORMATION STATION."
>> FORGET HORSE PASTE!
INJECT HORSE!
>> Stephen: DO NOT INJECT HORSE.
TONIGHT'S CONDUCTOR OF CHAOS IS NEW HAMPSHIRE STATE
REPRESENTATIVE AND UNGODLY SAM WATERSTON/NEWT GINGRICH
HYBRID, KEN WEYLER.
WEYLER HAS STEPPED DOWN FROM HIS LEADERSHIP POSITION AFTER A
BACKLASH FOLLOWING A 52-PAGE REPORT ON THE COVID VACCINE THAT
HE SENT TO HIS COLLEAGUES.
AMONGST THE INSANITY, THE REPORT SAID THAT "UNKNOWN, OCTOPUS-LIKE
CREATURES ARE BEING INJECTED INTO MILLIONS OF CHILDREN
WORLDWIDE."
YEAH, IT'S CALLED "SQUID GAME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT'S FANTASTIC.
SO I'VE BEEN INFORMED.
IT'S TOO SCARY FOR ME.
ACCORDING TO WEYLER'S REPORT, THE VACCINES ARE ALSO A PLOT TO
"STEAL OUR VERY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THROUGH 5G."
OH, YOU DON'T NEED TO STEAL MY THOUGHTS.
YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE FOR FREE: WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
THE REPORT ALSO CLAIMS COVID DEATHS ARE A VATICAN PLOT.
WELL, OF COURSE!
THE MORE PEOPLE DIE, THE MORE PEOPLE GO TO HEAVEN!
THEN THE POPE GETS A KICKBACK FROM GOD.
FOLLOW THE MANNA!
SPEAKING-- ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF CRAZY PEOPLE: JANUARY 6th INSURRECTIONISTS.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
ROUND-UP ROUNDUP.
HEY, I AM UDDERLY-- >> HOLD YOUR HORSES, COW!
I GOT THIS: THESE NEIGH-SAYERS ARE MAD THEY DIDN'T WHINNIE THE
ELECTION!
>> GOOD ONE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE CASES-- GETTING LONGER EVERY NIGHT.
THE CASES FOR MANY OF THESE IDIOTIC MANIACS ARE CURRENTLY
WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE COURT SYSTEM, AND AN INTERESTING
TREND HAS EMERGED, BECAUSE FIVE OF THE CAPITOL RIOTERS ARE
TURNING AWAY DEFENSE LAWYERS AND ELECTING TO REPRESENT
THEMSELVES.
NO, LISTEN.
THEY HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES, AND WE
HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO ENJOY EVERY STUPID MINUTE OF IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERING ) BECAUSE--
ONE OF THESE DUM-DUMS IS FORMER POLICE OFFICER AND GUY KICKED
OUT OF THE HARLEY-DAVIDSON STORE FOR BEING "A BIT MUCH," ALAN
HOSTETTER.
FUN FACT: BEFORE STORMING THE CAPITOL, HOSTETTER WAS A YOGA
INSTRUCTOR.
NOW HE'S GOING TO NAMA-STAY IN JAIL.
( LAUGHTER ) -- NOTHING?
NOTHING, JOE?
NOTHING?
COME ON.
I DISHED THAT ONE UP.
NEXT UP, WE'VE GOT SCHENECTADY MAN AND BULLY FROM EVERY 90s
TEEN MOVIE, BRANDON FELLOWS.
THE JUDGE WARNED BRANDON THAT REPRESENTING HIMSELF WAS A BAD
IDEA, BUT FELLOWS TOOK THE STAND ANYWAY AND PROCEEDED TO
IMMEDIATELY ADMIT TO TWO NEW FELONIES.
( LAUGHTER ) WAY TO GO, BUDDY!
GOOD FOR YOU!
PUT IT OUT THERE!
"SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"
"NO, BUT I KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED ME OVER.
HERE, LET ME POP THE TRUNK.
BE CAREFUL, SHE'S A BITER!" ( LAUGHTER )
PAINT A PICTURE.
THE NEXT DINGUS-IN-CHAINS IS JANUARY 6 RIOTER DARRELL NEELY,
WHO, IN A VIDEO CHAT WITH FRIENDS, BOASTED THAT HE HAD
ATTACKED A U.S. CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER AND HAD TAKEN THE
OFFICER'S U.S.C.P. JACKET, BADGE, NAME TAG, AND BASEBALL
CAP.
NO!
ONE OF THE FIRST RULES OF CRIMING IS THAT YOU HAVE TO
RESIST THE SWAG!
THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER SAW DANNY OCEAN ROCKING A BELLAGIO VAULT
HEIST 2001 TEE SHIRT.
( APPLAUSE ) 20 YEARS AGO?
>> Jon: 20 YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: 20 YEARS AGO.
>> Jon: FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.
>> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD.
LAST UP IN THE BONEHEAD BRIGADE IS A MAN NAMED LANDON MITCHELL.
LANDON BRAGGED TO A FRIEND THAT HE WAS "NOT TOO WORRIED" ABOUT
BEING IDENTIFIED, BECAUSE HE "WAS MASKED UP THE WHOLE TIME,"
BRAGGING THAT HE WAS "INVINCIBLE."
APPARENTLY, MITCHELL WORE A CAMOUFLAGE MASK AND COAT.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO?
JIM?
NO, JIMMY, WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME A PHOTO OF A FLOATING RED
HAT?
WHERE'S MITCHELL?
SPEAKING OF SWINE: SURGEONS IN NEW YORK HAVE
SUCCESSFULLY ATTACHED A KIDNEY GROWN IN A GENETICALLY ALTERED
PIG TO A HUMAN PATIENT.
AFTER HEARING THE NEWS, CHARLOTTE CHANGED "SOME PIG"
TO "AHHHH!" ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
DON'T GO TOO EXCITED, FOLKING.
YOU CAN'T GO OUT AND GET ONE OF THESE PIG KIDNEYS TOMORROW.
THIS IS EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY-- SO EXPERIMENTAL, IN FACT, THAT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" HEADLINE READS, "IN A FIRST, SURGEONS
ATTACHED A PIG KIDNEY TO A HUMAN, AND IT WORKED!"
WHY DID THE SCIENTISTS SOUND SO SURPRISED?
DO THEY JUST RANDOMLY ATTACH ANIMAL PARTS TO PATIENTS TO SEE
WHAT STICKS?
"HE'S GOT A BROKEN ARM, HUH?
JAM A DEER HOOF IN THERE.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
ANYTHING?
NO?
SEW SOME BABY DUCKS TO HIS BACK.
I'M JUST THROWING CRAP AT THE WALL.
OOH!
THERE'S AN IDEA!" THEN AGAIN-- YOU'RE WELCOME.
( APPLAUSE ) SCIENTISTS ARE SURPRISED ALL THE
TIME.
ARCHIMEDES FAMOUSLY SCREAMED "EUREKA!" WHEN HE DISCOVERED
BUOYANCY.
AND WHO COULD FORGET EINSTEIN'S FAMOUS MAXIM:
"E=MC SQUARED?!
WELL, (BLEEP) ME!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW.
HE DID NOT EXPECT ENERGY AND MASS WOULD BE THE SAME THING.
NEVER SAW IT COMING.
BUT CREATING TRANSPLANTABLE ORGANS FROM PIGS IS A GREAT
MEDICAL ADVANCEMENT.
AND IT EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GUY'S GENITALS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ANDIE MacDOWELL.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW
ALL KNOW, I LOVE DOGS.
THEY'RE MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
THAT'S WHY I LET THEM SLEEP IN MY BED AND DIG HOLES NAKED IN MY
BACKYARD.
IT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.
IN FACT, I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH THAT WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"
HAVE A SPECIAL SEGMENT CALLED "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A
CELEBRITY GUEST AND I HELP FIND RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY TELLING
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE THESE ALREADY-GREAT DOGS
SEEM EVEN MORE ADOPTABLE.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, EVERY SINGLE DOG THAT WE
HAVE FEATURED HAS SUCCESSFULLY BEEN ADOPTED.
THAT'S OVER 80 DOGS!
( APPLAUSE ) SO LET'S KEEP THAT PERFECT
RECORD GOING.
IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN, IT'S TIME FOR A SPOOKTACULAR EDITION OF
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE" ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD EVENING!
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE SOME EXTRA CREEPY
COSTUMED CANINES TONIGHT, AND HERE TO HELP ME IS CO-HOST OF
"MAKING IT" AND VERY GOOD BOY, NICK OFFERMAN!
NICK!
( APPLAUSE ) NICK.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS.
WHAT AN HONOR.
NICK-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE.
AN AMERICAN TREASURE, AN AMERICAN TREASURE.
NICK, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
ARE YOU READY TO LIE ABOUT SOME DOGS?
>> DO BEARS STUDY GEOGRAPHY AT CORNELL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, THEY DO NOT.
>> EXACTLY.
I WAS MERELY TESTING OUT MY LIES.
>> Stephen: THE MAN UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT.
BUT, FIRST, A REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE
ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
SO LET'S BEGIN.
EVERYBODY, MEET CHUMLEY.
OH!
THIS IS CHUMLEY.
HE'S A VERY OBEDIENT LITTLE VAMPIRE.
HE DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE UNLESS HE'S INVITED FIRST.
UNLIKE DRACULA, HE NEVER BITES.
"I ONLY VANT TO CUDDLE."
( APPLAUSE ) >> THIS IS MILLIE.
SHE IS A CANINE-VELOCIRAPTOR HYBRID.
WE WERE SO FOCUSED ON WHETHER WE COULD TURN MILLIE INTO A
DINOSAUR THAT WE DIDN'T STOP TO ASK OURSELVES IF WE SHOULD.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW WE KNOW THE ANSWER, AND
ABSOLUTELY IT IS ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: MEET TONI.
( APPLAUSE ) MEET TONI.
TONI ISN'T JUST DRESSED AS ELMO.
SHE OWNS THE COPYRIGHT TO THE NAME "ELMO."
ADOPT HER, AND YOU'LL GET PAID EVERY TIME ELMO SAYS "ELMO," AND
ELMO SAYS ELMO A LOT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> MEET TRIXIE.
>> Audience: OOOH!
( APPLAUSE ) TRIXIE IS A PERSONAL CHEF WHO
SPECIALIZES IN SUSTAINABLE VEGAN FOOD.
EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE: SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS IS RUBY.
THIS IS RUBY.
RUBY IS DRESSED LIKE HER HERO, AMELIA EARHART.
RUBY WATCHED THE FIRST HALF OF A DOCUMENTARY ON EARHART ONCE AND
NOW REALLY WANTS TO MEET HER SOMEDAY.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE HEART TO BREAK THE NEWS TO RUBY, SO IF
YOU ADOPT HER, REMEMBER, AMELIA EARHART IS ALIVE, MARRIED TO A
GUY NAMED TODD, CURRENTLY LIVING IN ARIZONA, BUT DOESN'T HAVE A
PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> MEET DABBLES.
DABBLES IS DRESSED LIKE KEITH RICHARDS, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S A
STONES FAN, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM FEEL
INDESTRUCTIBLE.
LIKE KEITH, DABBLES RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, BUT STILL IS
WEARING A NICOTINE PATCH ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEET PICKLES.
THIS ISN'T A COSTUME.
DUE TO A BOAT-RELATED HEAD INJURY, PICKLES ACTUALLY
BELIEVES HE IS A LOBSTER.
HE'LL BE YOUR LOYAL AND LOVING COMPANION.
JUST, PLEASE, DO NOT COME NEAR HIM WITH MELTED BUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> THIS IS BRAD.
NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT CAN
KEEP THIS LITTLE FELLA FROM GIVING YOU SNUGGLES.
THIS DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANT WILL HAPPILY LICK ALL OF YOUR
STAMPS AS LONG AS YOU PLACE THEM NEAR HIS BALLS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT
HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON
HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
NICK OFFERMAN EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE, HALLOWEEN IS
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
AND OF COURSE IT WOULDN'T BE HALLOWEEN WITHOUT
JACK-O'-LANTERNS.
THERE'S NO BETTER FAMILY TRADITION THAN GETTING OUT THE
CARVING KNIVES AND CUTTING OPEN YOUR THUMB IN FRONT OF THE
CHILDREN.
BUT THERE'S A NEW TREND IN GOURD-CARVING THIS YEAR:
DRILLING YOUR PUMPKIN.
WARNING: DO NOT GOOGLE "DRILLING YOUR PUMPKIN" ON YOUR WORK
COMPUTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
INSTEAD...
( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD OF THE USUAL
JACK-O-LANTERN FACES, DRILLING OPENS UP A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF
DESIGN POSSIBILITIES SO THAT YOUR PUMPKINS CAN LOOK LIKE
THIS.
BEAUTIFUL!
THANKS TO POWER DRILLS, YOU CAN GET THE SAME LOOK IN SECONDS
THAT IT NORMALLY TAKES MY NEIGHBORHOOD SQUIRRELS DAYS TO
ACHIEVE.
ONE HARDWARE STORE EMPLOYEE EXPLAINED THE ALLURE OF THE
POWER TOOL PUMPKINING, SAYING, "ANYBODY CAN DRILL HOLES IN
SOMETHING, PUT A LITTLE LIGHT INSIDE, AND IT LOOKS FABULOUS!"
WARNING: THAT RULE DOES NOT APPLY TO BOATS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OH, MAN!
>> Stephen: STILL PRETTY.
BUT I HAVE MY OWN THEORY ON WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG TREND THIS
YEAR: THESE ARE TENSE TIMES, AND TAKING A POWER TOOL TO A PUMPKIN
SOUNDS VERY STRESS RELIEVING.
SO, WITH THAT IN MIND, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS PUT TOGETHER A GUIDE
FOR EVEN MORE FUN WAYS TO CARVE YOUR JACK-O'-LANTERN.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S" HOW-TOOOO-WEEEEEN: PUMPKIN
CARVING EDITION!
FIRST, YOU CAN TOSS AWAY THOSE BORING OLD KNIVES AND CARVE YOUR
PUMPKIN THE NEW WAY: WITH A POWER DRILL!
DRILLS ALLOW YOU TO MAKE CLEAN, EVEN HOLES.
PLUS, THE SMOOTH ACTION IS VERY THERAPEUTIC.
YOU'RE BARELY EVEN THINKING ABOUT HOW YOUR UNCLE WON'T GET
THE VACCINE.
DRILL THE FEELINGS AWAY!
YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING: EYES, BIGGER EYES.
WHAT THE HELL, MORE EYES!
CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT "MASKS REQUIRED" SIGN NOW,
CAN YA?!
>> YES!
>> NEED TO TAKE THE TOP OFF YOUR PUMPKIN?
TRY A HATCHET!
DO I NEED A BOOSTER?
DO MY KIDS?
THE HATCHET SAYS "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW!"
AND FOR THE FINE DETAIL WORK, GARDENING SHEARS.
AND IF YOU MAKE LITTLE MISTAKES.
YOU CAN ALWAYS REATTACH PIECES WITH A NAIL GUN.
SEE?
IT'S FINE.
YOU'RE FINE.
EVERYTHING IS FINE!
ANYTHING CAN BE A PUMPKIN CARVING TOOL, LIKE THE SHOES YOU
WERE GOING TO WEAR TO YOUR COUSIN CARRIE'S WEDDING, UNTIL
YOU FOUND OUT IT WAS INDOORS WITH NO VACCINE REQUIREMENT.
YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA, CARRIE!
OR, WHAT THE HELL, ANOTHER PUMPKIN!
I WISH!
MY IN-SUR-ANCE!
COVERED THER-APY!
ALMOST DONE.
JUST A FEW FINISHING TOUCHES.
AND WHEN YOUR DESIGN FEELS PERFECT, CREATE CHARACTERS,
LIKE... DRACULA!
A SCARY MUMMY!
OR THE BACKSTREET BOYS!
UNCANNY!
YOUR JACK-O'-LANTERNS WILL BE THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
>> HEY, I'M STILL BLEEDING HERE.
>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDIE MacDOWELL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
FOLKS, JOINING ME NOW IS AN ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM
CAN THE GROUNDHOG DAY," "FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL," AND
HER LATEST ROLE IS IN THE NETFLIX SERIES, "MAID."
PLEASE WELCOME ANDIE MacDOWELL!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
HEY.
>> HI.
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON.
>> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE ANOTHER SOUTH CAROLINIAN.
IT'S YOU ME, TOM GIBSON AND CHRIS ROCK.
>> I'M GLAD YOU KNOW ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THERE.
I'M FROM GAFFNEY.
>> Stephen: IT'S FAIRLY FAMOUS, THE GIANT WATER TOWER.
THE TOWN IS PAINTED LIKE A PEACH.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE A GREAT BIG BUTT IN THE SKY.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I HEAR-- IS THIS TRUE-- IT WAS REPAINTED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE
SCANDALIZED BECAUSE THE PEACH NOW REPRESENTS THE BUTT EMOJI,
SO YOU ALL PAINTEDLY THE CRACK OUT OF IT.
>> I HAVE TO GO STUDY IT.
I HAVEN'T STUDIED IT FOR A WHILE.
>> Stephen: PLEASE DO.
>> I WANT TO SAY REALLY QUICK THAT MY DAUGHTER IS THRILLED
THAT I'M HERE, MY DAUGHTER MARGARET.
>> Stephen: SHE'S A WONDERFULLY TALENTED ACTRESS.
>> I HOPE YOU HAVE HER ON SOME DAY BECAUSE SHE ADORS YOU.
>> Stephen: DONE.
PEOPLE LOVE YOU FOR SO MANY OF YOUR FILMS, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS, I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU AS AN ACTRESS, YOU
STARTED OFF AS A MODEL, WHICH FOR SOME REASON I DID NOT KNOW.
>> OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
YOUR FULL NAME ROSALIE ANDERSON MacDOWELL.
WHAT DOES LITTLE ROSY ANDIE MacDOWELL THINK OF THE WORLD
OF COUTURE WHEN SHE FIRST GOT INTO IT?
>> COMING FROM GAFFNEY, I KNEW WHO CALVIN KLEIN WAS, AND RALPH
LAUREN.
I HAD HEARD OF THAT.
I THINK I OWNED A PAIR OF RALPH LAUREN JEANS.
ANYWAY, I WENT TO PARIS, I WAS WORKING QUICKLY, HELEN NEWTON
SHOT THE PHOTOGRAPHS.
AND I WOULD SHOW UP AT THE FRONT DOOR WITH MY T-SHIRT AND JEANS.
AND THEY WOULD GO, "ANDIE, PLEASE, JUST SOME LIPSTICK."
AND WHAT I WOULD DO ME.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU WORKING WITH THE DESIGNERS YOURSELF.
>> HE WOULD DRESS ME.
THEY WOULD DO MY HAIR AND MAKEUP FIRST, AND PUT ME IN A BATH
ROBE, AND YOU WOULD BE NAKED-- I KNOW, JUST DROP THE BATH ROBE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE ALL DONE UP, UP HERE.
>> YOU'RE DONE EXCEPT FOR -- >> Stephen: FROM HERE DOWN
YOU'RE WHAT GOD GAVE YOU.
>> THAT'S IT.
AND THEN THEY DRESS YOU.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE PEOPLE MEASURING YOU THE WHOLE TIME?
>> THERE ARE LADIES ON BLEACHERS DRESSED ALL IN BLARK BEAUTIFULLY
DONE.
THEY ALL WEAR BLACK AND RED LIPSTICK AND SIT THERE AND TAKE
NOTES AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WAS PICKING OUT FOR YOU TO WEAR
IN THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THIS SEEMS LIKE A DISTONIAN MOVIE OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
>> IT WAS SO MUCH FUN, THOUGH.
I HAVE TO SAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PHOTO RIGHT HERE?
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS MOMENT?
>> OH, YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.
THAT WAS IN TIMES SQUARE.
BUT YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: WHERE ARE YOU?
THAT YOU.
THAT LITTLE PINJ PERSON RIGHT THERE.
>> I STILL DIDN'T DRESS VERY WELL IN MY WE'LL LIFE.
>> Stephen: IS THIS YOUR FIRST BILLBOARD IN TIMES SQUARE?
>> YES, IT WAS, IT WAS.
BUT YOU KNOW "MAID" WAS IN TIMES SQUARE, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS
FASCINATING.
"MAID," THE POSTER OF THE SHOW THAT I DID WITH MY DAUGHTER.
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN FOR ME COMING FROM A SMALL TOWN AND
HAVING SUCCESS.
I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT IT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I WOULD DO TEMPORARILY WHILE I
FIGURED UP ON THE MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED THAT --
>> Stephen: THAT IT WORKED OUT.
>> THAT IT WORKED OUT.
AND I WORKED ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I WAS SO HAPPY TO WORK.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU BEING SHOT-- THIS IS IN KENYA FOR
"BRITISH VOGUE."
>> AREN'T YOU SWEET.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU ON A MIRROR?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> I THINK IT MIGHT BE A PIANO.
WITH A GREAT REFLECTION.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: SURE, IF YOU WANT TO GO UP THERE WITH JON BEFORE
YOU LEAVE, FEEL FREE.
>> Stephen: "GROUNDHOG DAY" "FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL"
MADE YOU AN INSTANT CELEBRITY, AND WHEN YOU GET FAMOUS PEOPLE
FOLLOW YOU AROUND A LOT AND PEOPLE WRITE ABOUT YOU ALL THE
TIME.
WHAT'S THE THING PEOPLE-- WHAT'S THE THING PEOPLE MOST GOT WRONG
ABOUT YOU?
>> OKAY, THERE WERE ALL KINDS OF CRAZY THINGS BUT THE MOST INSANE
THING THAT HAPPENED IS SOMEBODY SENT ME AN ARTICLE FROM A
NEWSPAPER IN MEXICO THAT SAID I WAS THE ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER OF
CHARLIE CHAPLIN.
I KNOW.
I WAS LIKE, REALLY?
I AM?
NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WHEN DID CHARLIE GET DOWN TO GAFFNEY.
>> I DON'T KNOW!
BUT I MET HIS DAUGHTER YEARS LATER.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER, BUT I DID NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING
AT ME.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE READ THE ARTICLE.
BUT I'M NOT.
I'M NOT.
>> Stephen: SHE WAS LOOKING FOR A LITTLE MUSTACHE.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK I'LL ASK ANDIE ABOUT WORKING WITH HER DAUGHTER
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "MAID" ON NETFLIX, ANDIE
MacDOWELL.
AS YOU SAID EARLIER, YOU HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, ACTUALLY, IN SHOW
BUSINESS, RAINEE AND MARGARET.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AS A MOM, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS AN
EASY BUSINESS.
AND WHAT DID YOU THINK-- WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST REACTION WHEN
THEY SAID, "MOM, WE WANT TO DO WHAT YOU DO?"
>> RIGHT, WELL, IT REALLY KIND OF HAPPENED AS A NATURAL
PROCESS, BECAUSE THEY DANCED AND THEY DID THEATER GROWING UP.
AND ACTUALLY IN ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD THEATER TOWN.
>> IT MADE ME-- I WAS REALLY FLATTERED.
I WAS HONORED AND REASSURED I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO MESS THEM
UP AND IT MADE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT.
I HADN'T SCREWED THEM UP BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO DO WHAT I
DO -- >> Stephen: THEY WOULD REJECT
YOU.
>> YEAH,.
>> Stephen: DID YOU LIVE IN ASHEVILLE?
>> I RAISED THEM PRIMARILY IN ASHEVILLE.
>> Stephen: WAS IT IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO INJECT A LITTLE
SOUTHERNNESS INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS?
>> I DO.
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT THE SOUTH THAT I FIND DIFFICULT,
BUT I LOVE MANNERS, BEAUTIFUL MANNERS.
AND TRADITION.
AND I WANTED THEM TO KNOW MY FAMILY.
IT WAS A MULTITUDE OF THOSE DIFFERENT THINGS THAT-- AND
THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THE SIMPLICITY OF A SMALL TOWN THAT
I REALLY ENJOY.
I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW, AND MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER, MARGARET,
THAT I'M IN "MAID" WITH THAT TOOK ME THERE, ENDED UP TAKING
ME THERE.
I'M HAPPY THERE NOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S HAPPY TO BE WORKING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO.
>> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WORKING WITH MY DAUGHTER.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT "MAID."
IT'S ON NET FLIX.
TELL ME ABOUT THE SHOW.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
>> OH, WOW, WELL, MY DAUGHTER IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, AND
SHE HAS THIS CHILD, AND SHE ENDS UP BEING A DOMESTIC WORKER, A
HOUSEKEEPER.
AND IT'S ABOUT THE SYSTEM.
IT'S ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THE SYSTEM IS.
AND TRYING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND GET OUT OF
AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, HOW COMPLEX THAT IS.
AND ON TOP OF IT, SHE HAS ME TO DEAL WITH.
I'M BIPOLAR.
AND IT'S JUST A REALLY COMPLICATED LIFE.
AND IT'S-- YOU KNOW, SHE TAKES THIS JOURNEY OF REALLY WANTING
TO GO TO COLLEGE.
SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO COLLEGE ORIGINALLY, AND THEN IT
ALL FELL APART.
>> Stephen: WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP RIGHT HERE.
JIM.
>> I'M FINE.
>> YOU'RE HOMELESS MOM.
YOU'RE LIVING IN YOUR CAR.
>> WILL YOU JUST STOP!
>> NO.
>> PLEASE!
I LOVE MY CAR!
>> YOU'RE HOMELESS, MOM.
>> WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST STOP!
JUST STOP I'M UNDER THE STARS!
I'M INDEPENDENT!
THE POINT IS, HONEY, YOU KNOW, I LIKE BEING A GYPSY.
I LIKE BEING MOBILE OKAY.
YOU KNOW ME, I'M SCRAPPY.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT YOU IN A HOTEL.
I CAN'T BRING YOU TO THE SHELTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, MOM.
>> I'M NOT YOUR PROBLEM, ALEXANDRA.
>> YES, YOU ARE.
>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I'M YOUR MOTHER I AM!
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY TO SEE THE TWO OF YOU
TOGETHER.
IT'S A PAINFUL SCENE.
IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE DONE THAT TOGETHER?
>> YES.
IT'S BECAUSE OF HER THAT I GOT THE JOB.
SHE SUGGESTED ME.
>> Stephen: SHE WAS CAST FIRST.
>> SHE WAS CAST FIRST AND ALREADY WORKING AND NEEDED
SOMEBODY TO PLAY PAULA, AND SHE SAID, "I THINK THE PERSON WHO
WOULD BE BEST FOR THIS IS MY MOTHER."
AND I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED, BECAUSE SHE REALLY INDEPENDENT
AND I THOUGHT AWAY WOULD WORK TOGETHER WHEN I WAS REALLY OLD.
>> Stephen: DID YOU RESIST AT ALL?
"NO, I SHOULDN'T DO IT."
>> NO, NO, MY HEART JUST SWELLED THAT SHE WANTED ME TO PLAY THIS
CHARACTER.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT ROLE, TOO.
AND I THINK IT WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME.
I DON'T THINK PEOPLE HAD SEEN ME PLAY THIS TYPE OF CHARACTER.
SO -- >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER SEEN
YOU HOMELESS BEFORE.
WELL, IT WAS LOVELY TO MEET YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO STOP BY ANY TIME.
>> YOU'LL ENJOY HER.
I HOPE SO.
"MAID" IS AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX.
ANDIE MacDOWELL, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY LANA DEL REY.
>> DO CONSERVATIVE FANS SCOLD YOU TO STOP FORCING YOUR LIBERAL
VIEWS ON THEM SO THEY CAN ENJOY THEIR APOLITICAL MOVIES ABOUT
OPPRESSED PEOPLE'S REBELGRADE AGAINST A FASCIST EMPIRE?
>> HISTORY DOESN'T REPEAT ITSELF, BUT HUMAN NATURE REMAINS
THE SAME.
>> I'M NOT SURE WE REMAIN THE SAME.
>> I USED TO BE A LITTLE BABY, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW-- A BIG,
STRONG MAN.
>> I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO COME IN HERE AND
INAPPROPRIATELY DISCLOSE INSIDER INFORMATION.
>> OUR HACKERS DUG IT UP ON THE SUPER SECRET SE C.GOV.
>> I'M NOT A DOOM AND GLOOM GUY.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE.
>> NO, I AM.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO!
YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL MY IDEAS!
>> I'LL SEE YOUR ASS IN COURT!
>> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "BLUE BANISTERS," CAME OUT TODAY!
PERFORMING "ARCADIA," LANA DEL REY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ MY BODY IS A MAP OF L.A.
I STAND STRAIGHT LIKE ♪ AN ANGEL
WITH A HALO ♪ HANGIN' OUT THE HILTON HOTEL
WINDOW SCREAMIN' ♪ "HEY, YOU
BABY, LET'S GO" ♪ MY CHEST
THE SIERRA MADRE ♪ MY HIPS
EVERY HIGH AND BYWAY ♪ THAT YOU TRACE WITH YOUR
FINGERTIPS LIKE A TOYOTA ♪ RUN YOUR HANDS OVER ME
LIKE A LAND ROVER ♪ IN ARCADIA
ARCADIA ♪ ALL ROADS THAT LEAD TO YOU
AS INTEGRAL TO ME AS ARTERIES ♪ THAT PUMP THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS
STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF ME ♪ AMERICA
AMERICA ♪ I CAN'T SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT
SEND ME A HILTON HOTEL ♪ OR A CROSS ON THE HILL
I'M A LOST LITTLE GIRL ♪ FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU
ARCADIA ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ MY BODY IS A MAP OF L.A.
AND MY HEART IS ♪ LIKE PAPER
I HATE YOU ♪ I'M NOT FROM THE LAND OF
THE PALMS ♪ SO I KNOW I CAN'T STAY HERE
I'M NOT NATIVE, BUT ♪ MY CURVES
SAN GABRIEL ALL DAY ♪ AND MY LIPS
LIKE THE FIRE LICKS THE BAY ♪ IF YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW
YOURSELF YOU CAN COME OVER
♪ LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME LIKE YOU'RE A LAND ROVER
♪ IN ARCADIA ARCADIA
♪ ALL ROADS THAT LEAD TO YOU AS INTEGRAL TO ME AS ARTERIES
♪ THAT PUMP THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF ME
♪ AMERICA I NEED A MIRACLE
♪ I CAN'T SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT SEND ME A HILTON HOTEL
♪ OR A CROSS ON THE HILL I'M A LOST LITTLE GIRL
♪ FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU ARCADIA
♪ THEY BUILT ME UP 300 FEET TALL
♪ JUST TO TEAR ME DOWN SO I'M LEAVIN' WITH
♪ NOTHING BUT LAUGHTER AND THIS TOWN
♪ AMERICA FINDIN' MY WAY TO YOU
♪ I'M LEAVIN' THEM AS I WAS FIVE-FOOT-EIGHT
♪ WESTERN BELT PLUS THE HATE
♪ THAT THEY GAVE BY THE WAY
♪ THANKS FOR THAT ON THE WAY
♪ I'LL PRAY FOR YOU BUT YOU'LL NEED A MIRACLE
♪ AMERICA ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LANA DEL REY, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.
GOOD NIGHT.