>> THE EMPTY SHELVES CRISIS MAY
SOON BE TURNING INTO AN EMPTY BOTTLE CRISIS-- WINE BOTTLES,
THAT IS-- BECAUSE THE SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUE IS AFFECTING THE
WINE INDUSTRY.
SO THEY'RE HAVING DIFFICULTY GETTING THE GLASS NEEDED TO
BOTTLE THEIR WINE.
>> AT FRANZIA, WE UNDERSTAND THE CRISIS THE WINE INDUSTRY IS
GOING THROUGH, SO WE WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY HA-HA-HA-- SUCK IT.
SUCK IT THROUGH OUR PLASTIC SPIGOT.
FOR YEARS, YOU TURNED YOUR NOSE UP AT BOXED WINE, JUST BECAUSE
WE COME IN THE SAME CONTAINER GYM SHOES DO.
WELL, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?
SURE, WE'RE THE BUTT OF YOUR JOKES BECAUSE OUR WINE ONLY
COMES IN THREE FLAVORS: WET, BOOK CLUB CRUNK, AND GRAB BAG.
BUT HOW MANY WINES CAN BE WORN AS A BACKPACK?
SO ( BLEEP ) YOU, BOTTLED WINE.
YOU'LL ENJOY EVERY SIP OF FRANZIA, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT?
YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ANYMORE.
FRANZIA: YOU'LL DRINK WHAT'S IN OUR BOX.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: UP TO NO GOOD.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NICK OFFERMAN
AND CHARLAMANGE THA GOD FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO?
RIGHT HERE.
HEY, I'M GOING TO STAND HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE A SEAT RIGHT OVER THERE.
WE'LL BE WITH YOU IN JUST A MOMENT.
FRANZIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE THE SPARKLES.
WOOO!
LOOKING GOOD.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
HEY!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL-- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE HAVE A
SEAT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WITH OUR COUNTRY MORE DIVIDED MORE THAN EVER, I THINK
IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THE ONE THING THAT UNITES US ALL,
THE CREDO WE LIVE BY: GIMME MORE STUFF.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW, THAT GIMME-GIMME
LIFESTYLE IS THREATENED, BECAUSE AMERICA IS FACING AN
UNPRECEDENTED SUPPLY CHAIN CRISIS, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL
ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT: "CARGO UNCHAINED."
>> WE'RE IN DEEP SHIP!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE OF COVID LOCKDOWNS AND LABOR SHORTAGES,
AND A LACK OF SHIPPING CONTAINERS, EVERYTHING YOU WANT
IS EITHER NOT MADE YET, STUCK ON A BOAT, OR WAITING FOR A TRUCKER
WHO CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE THE GATORADE BOTTLE HE NEEDS TO PEE
IN IS STUCK ON A BOAT OR HASN'T BEEN MADE YET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND NOW-- THIS IS TRUE.
NOW, GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS ARE LEADING TO EMPTY
SHELVES AT GROCERY STORES.
IT'S SO BAD THAT WHOLE FOODS HAS HAD TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO
"PART FOODS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OVERON THE-- OVER ON THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE, THERE'S A SHORTAGE
OF FISH STICKS, FROZEN MEALS AND MARIE CALLENDER'S POT PIES.
IT'S A HUGE BLOW TO DIVORCED DADS:
"ALL RIGHT, KIDS, WHAT ELSE CAN DAD MAKE?
WHAT CAN I WHIP UP WITH MILLER LITE, AND A TUB OF CORN STARCH.
WHO'S READY FOR LUMPY BEER PANCAKES?"
IT'S NOT JUST FOOD.
IT'S ALSO DRINK, BECAUSE A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF CO2 IS HAVING
AN EFFECT ON THE SUPPLY OF CARBONATED DRINKS.
SO GET READY FOR THIS SEASON'S HOT NEW BEVERAGE: COKE FLAT:
NONE OF THE FIZZ, ALL OF THE BROWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S ALSO-- DO THEY SPONSOR, COKE FLAT?
STILL GOOD.
STILL-- STILL-- THERE'S ALSO LIMITED
AVAILABILITY OF SOUR PATCH KIDS, SWEDISH FISH, AND TOBLERONE.
NO, NOT TOBLERONE!
WHAT AM I GOING TO BUY AT THE DUTY-FREE SHOP TO GO WITH MY
GALLON OF BOMBAY SAPPHIRE AND BUCKET OF PACO RABBEN.
AND BRACE YOURSELVES, BECAUSE AMERICA IS RUNNING LOW ON
BEN & JERRY'S.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM: WHERE THE ( BLEEP ) ICE
CREAM?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
JUST, EVERYONE, CALM DOWN!
DON'T PANIC!
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
BEN AND JERRY, OUR TWO ICE CREAM ZADDIES, HAVE PROMISED
THE COMPANY WILL FOCUS ON PRODUCING ITS MOST POPULAR
FLAVORS, WHICH, ACCORDING TO THEIR WEBSITE, INCLUDE
PHISH FOOD, CHERRY GARCIA, HALF BAKED AND,
AMERICONE DREAM, BABY.
BOOM!
THAT'S RIGHT!
COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
IT'S TRUE.
TAKE THAT, I'M POPULAR!
EVERYONE I KNEW IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!
BUT YOU MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE IF YOU PREFER ONE OF BEN & JERRY'S
LESS POPULAR FLAVORS LIKE CHUNKS OF REAL MONKEY,
CHERRY ORBACH, AND INATTENTIVE HUBBY.
WE'RE ALSO FACING A WINE SHORTAGE.
NO!
FROZEN FOODS, FINE.
CANDY, WHO NEEDS IT.
BUT A WINE SHORTAGE?
ME AD MY BOOK CLUB ARE BUYING ZIP TIES AND STORMING THE
CAPITOL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE REASON-- WHO'S WITH ME?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T SEEM ENTIRELY WITH ME
ON THAT ONE.
ONE REASON IS THERE'S NO PLACE TO PUT THE WINE WE DO HAVE
IS BECAUSE OF A GLASS BOTTLE CRUNCH.
INCIDENTALLY, "GLASS BOTTLE CRUNCH" IS ALSO ONE OF BEN &
JERRY'S LEAST POPULAR FLAVORS.
( APPLAUSE ) IN VACCINE NEWS, TODAY WE
LEARNED THAT THE F.D.A. PLANS TO ALLOW A MIX-AND-MATCH
APPROACH FOR COVID BOOSTER SHOTS.
YES, MIXING DIFFERENT KINDS OF PROTECTION IS SMART.
THAT'S WHY WHEN I GO OUT IN THE SUN, I WEAR A BIG FLOPPY HAT,
SUNSCREEN, AND A CONDOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL.
THE GOVERNMENT IS CAREFUL TO SAY THEY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ONE
SHOT OVER ANOTHER.
THEY'RE LIKE PARENTS TALKING TO THEIR KIDS ABOUT COLLEGE: "HEY,
PICK WHATEVER MAJOR MAKES YOU HAPPY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
POETRY OR JOHNSON & JOHNSON."
AND DESPITE-- AND DID SPITE-- WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS TIE.
DESPITE ALL THE BENEFITS OF VACCINATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
STILL REFUSING TO GET THE SHOT, LIKE WASHINGTON STATE FOOTBALL
COACH AND MAN WHO EITHER HAS A VERY LARGE HEAD OR A VERY TINY
FACE, NICK ROLOVICH.
WASHINGTON STATE RECENTLY INSTITUTED A VACCINE MANDATE FOR
MOST STATE EMPLOYEES, BUT DESPITE THAT, ROLOVICH SAID HE
WOULDN'T GET VACCINATED, SO WASHINGTON STATE FIRED HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND BECAUSE IT'S SPORTS, THEY
FIRED HIM OUT OF A TEE SHIRT CANNON.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO VAX TROUBLE FOR
HOCKEY PLAYER FOR THE SAN JOSE SHARKS, EVANDER KANE, SEEN HERE
SKATING INTO THE CORNER OF A COFFEE TABLE.
YESTERDAY, THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE SUSPENDED KANE AFTER AN
INVESTIGATION FOUND THAT HE SUBMITTED A FORGED VACCINATION
CARD.
( BOOING ) HOW DARE HE THREATEN THE LIVES
OF MEN WHO USE GIANT STICKS TO SLAM EACH AT HIGH SPEEDS INTO
WALLS WITH BLADES STRAPPED TO THEIR FEET.
THIS AIN'T A SLAP SHOT ON THE WRIST.
THE LEAGUE SUSPENDED EVANDER FOR 21 GAMES.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY, HE'S OUT.
HE CAN'T-- HE CAN'T-- HE'S GONE.
21 GAMES.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, HE'S A SHARK.
IF HE STOPS MOVING, HE'LL DIE...
IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY.
HERE'S THE MOST SURPRISING PART THOUGH: THE N.H.L. DOES NOT HAVE
A VACCINE MANDATE.
WHAT?
THEN WHY SUBMIT THE FORGED CARD?
"LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T REQUIRE A DRUG TEST, BUT HERE'S A CUP OF
MY COUSIN'S URINE."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
ANTI-VAXXERS MIGHT EVEN AFFECT HOLIDAY TRAVEL, BECAUSE THE
DEADLINE FOR BIDEN'S FEDERAL VACCINE MANDATE IS ONE MONTH
AWAY, AND SO FAR, ONLY ABOUT 60% OF THE T.S.A.'s WORKFORCE HAS
BEEN VACCINATED.
WHY DOESN'T THE T.S.A> WANT TO GET VACCINATED?
THEY'VE GOT MORE EXPOSURES THAN ANYONE-- ESPECIALLY TO WHATEVER
YOU CAN CATCH FROM PATTING DOWN AMERICA'S AMPLE FRONT BUTTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF MORE T.S.A. WORKERS DON'T GET THEIR SHOTS, HOLIDAYS AT THE
AIRPORT WILL BE GUMMED UP WITH SHORT STAFFING AND LONGER LINES.
SO PASSENGERS MAY HAVE TO WAIT HOURS BEFORE BOARDING THE PLANE
BEFORE BITING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
IF THE T.S.A. CAN'T FIND ENOUGH WORKERS, THEY'RE CONSIDERING
K9 TEAMS FOR STAFFING AND SECURITY.
THAT'S RIGHT-- SECURITY DOGS!
FIRST, YOU PAT ME, THEN I PAT YOU.
SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, AGENT, PLEASE STEP OUT OF LINE,
YOU'VE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR A TUMMY RUB.
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO'S A GOOD BOY.
PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET THE SHOT IN PART BECAUSE ON THE
INTERNET, COVID CONSPIRACIES ARE STILL HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
AND WE'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DISINFORMATION
STATION."
>> I WAS MADE IN A LAB BY TIMOTHEE CHALAMET!
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE IT.
THROUGHOUT THE PAST SIX MONTHS, WE'VE BEEN RACING TO GET KIDS
VACCINATED SO THEY CAN BE SAFE IN SCHOOL.
BUT ONE PRIVATE SCHOOL IN FLORIDA IS DOING IT BACKWARDS,
SAYING THAT VACCINATED STUDENTS MUST STAY HOME FOR 30 DAYS TO
PROTECT OTHERS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE DANGERS OF VACCINATED KIDS,
WHILE LEAVING THE KIDS WITHOUT SHOTS IN SCHOOL.
HOW DO THEY DO FIRE SAFETY?
"KIDS, IF YOU CATCH FIRE, REMEMBER THE THREE STEPS:
RUN, FLAME, AND HUG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY-- ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW.
THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY IS BASED ON THE POPULAR AND STUPID COVID
CONSPIRACY CALLED "SHEDDING," WHERE VACCINATED PEOPLE
SUPPOSEDLY WALK AROUND CROP DUSTING POISON, OR SOME MADE-UP
THING.
WHICH IS WHY THE SCHOOL'S ANNOUNCEMENT EMAIL REPEATED
FALSE CLAIMS THAT VACCINATED PEOPLE COULD PASS ON SO-CALLED
HARMFUL EFFECTS OF THE SHOT.
YEAH, HARMFUL EFFECTS.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T WEAR HELMETS: HOW DARE YOU CONFINE MY BRAIN TO
MY SKULL!
( LAUGHTER ) THE SCHOOL'S LEADERSHIP DOUBLED
DOWN ON NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, SAYING,
"THE SCHOOL IS NOT OPINING AS TO WHETHER UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA
HAVE A BASIS IN FACT.
HOWEVER, WE PREFER TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION."
YES, FACTS HAVE NO PLACE IN SCHOOL!
SO, KIDS, GET READY FOR SEX ED 101: HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON THE
STORK BEFORE IT DELIVERS YOUR BABY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE NICK OFFERMAN AND CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THAT'S THE BAND, NOT ME.
THAT'S THE BAND RIGHT OVER THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NICE-- YOU HAVE SORT OF A "SATURDAY
NIGHT FEVER" THING GOING ON TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
I WON THE DANTZ BATTLE.
DID YOU SEE?
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A LOT OF RETRO SPARKLE GOING ON, TOO.
>> Jon: I LIKE THE ENERGY.
I'M FEELING GOOD TODAY, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: I AM, TOO.
WE'VE GOT-- ( APPLAUSE )
WE GOT SOME DEAR FRIENDS, DEAR FRIENDS OF THE SHOW COMING ON
TONIGHT, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
OUR FRIEND NICK OFFERMAN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT.
( APPLAUSE ) ALWAYS A SOOTHING-- ALWAYS
SOOTHING PRESENCE.
AND, OF COURSE, CHARLAMAGNE THE GOD IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN
JUST A MOMENT.
ANOTHER DEAR FRIENDS OF HOURS.
HIS NEW SHOW "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH" ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
ONE OTHER THING GOING ON, PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE COME UP TO ME-- AND THIS IS NO SURPRISE.
THEY SAY, "STEVE, YOUR PROGRAM IS A FEAST FOR THE SENSES, BUT
I'M ON A DIET.
CAN I GET A VERSION OF 'THE LATE SHOW' THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE
VISUALS?" WELL, GREG, I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT SOON YOU CAN.
BECAUSE STARTING NEXT WEEK, WE'RE LAUNCHING OUR NEW PODCAST,
"THE LATE SHOW POD SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERY WEEKDAY-- YEAH.
EXACTLY.
>> Jon: IT'S COMING!
>> Stephen: THAT DESERVES IT.
I WAS WAITING TO GIVE THIS PODCASTING THING A CHANCE TO
CATCH ON.
AND I THINK IT'S BEGINNING-- IT'S BEGINNING TO BE A THING.
I SAID, DADDY'S IN."
EVERY WEEKDAY, YOU'LL GET THE LATEST "LATE SHOW" IN CONVENIENT
POD FORM.
THE TOPICAL MONOLOGUES, THE MEANWHILE-IEST "MEANWHILES," THE
HARD-HITTING INTERVIEWS WITH TODAY'S MOST INTERESTING
NEWSMAKERS, AND THE SOFT-HITTING INTERVIEWS WITH TODAY'S MOST
SYMMETRICAL CELEBRITIES.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT "THE LATE SHOW" POD SHOW WILL BE THE
ONLY PODCAST THAT ISN'T ABOUT A SERIAL KILLER.
OR IS IT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"THE LATE SHOW POD SHOW" PREMIERES MONDAY, OCTOBER 25.
BUT YOU CAN HEAR THE TRAILER NOW AND FOLLOW THE PODCAST ON
SPOTIFY, APPLE PODCASTS, BLOOFY, YOUR SMART FRIDGE, A GAS STATION
PUMP SCREEN, OR WHEREVER YOU CONSUME PODCASTS.
FOLKS, I KNOW-- ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
THAT'S THIRSTY.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE,
COMBIG THROUGH HOURS UPON HOURS OF GAME ON THE MOST PROMISING
HEADLINES, METICULOUSLY CRAFTING MY BIG BOARD TO RANK STORIES
BASED ON THEIR RAW TALENT AND INTANGIBLES, AND CUT DEALS FOR
THE MOST TOPICAL TRADES TO DRAFT THE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION,
HEISMAN-WINNING QUARTERBACK THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN ICE BATH AFTER
DOING RAILS OF GATORADE POWDER, REALIZE IT'S DRAFT DAY, AND I
HAVE 15 SECONDS LEFT TO MAKE A CHOICE AND BLURT OUT THE FIRST
NAME I SEE TO WASTE THE NUMBER ONE OVERALL PICK ON THE SCRAWNY,
UNPOLISHED THIRD-STRING PUNTER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT,
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"MEANWHILE KNOWS ALL.
IT FORGIVES ALL.
MEANWHILE, A CANADIAN COCA-COLA FAN EARNED A SPOT IN "THE
GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS" BY COLLECTING 11,308 DIFFERENT
CANS ISSUED BY THE SOFT DRINK COMPANY.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
BUT I THINK THE REAL WINNER HERE IS DIABETES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, ADELE DROPPED HER NEW
SINGLE, "EASY ON ME," THIS WEEKEND AND IMMEDIATELY SET THE
RECORD FOR SPOTIFY'S MOST-STREAMED SONG IN A SINGLE
DAY AND RECEIVED THE MOST FIRST-DAY ALEXA SONG REQUESTS IN
AMAZON MUSIC HISTORY.
BEFORE THIS, THE NUMBER ONE REQUEST OF ALEXA WAS:
ALEXA.
STOP TIMER.
STOP... HONEY, CAN YOU MUTE THE TV?
IT'S CONFUSING ALEXA.
STOP TIMER.
NO, DON'T SET ANOTHER TIMER-- FINE.
FINE, SET TIME.
MEANWHILE, NEW RESEARCH HAS REVEALED THAT HUMANS WERE USING
TOBACCO AT LEAST 12,000 YEARS AGO.
RESEARCHERS FOUND CHARRED SEEDS FOUND IN AN ANCIENT HEARTH USED
BY HUNTER-GATHERERS IN WHAT'S NOW UTAH.
YOU GOTTA GET RID OF THE SEEDS, MAN.
"QUICK, OG, MY PARENTS ARE ALMOST BACK FROM
HUNTER-GATHERING.
HIDE THE STASH, OR I'LL BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF MY
LIFE, WHICH IS NOT THAT MUCH TIME BECAUSE WE DIE SO YOUNG.
MEANWHILE, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO SPICE UP THE COUNTDOWN TO
CHRISTMAS, FASHION RETAILER AND SEX TOY DISTRIBUTOR NASTY GAL
HAS LAUNCHED THEIR 12 DAYS OF SEXMAS SEX TOY ADVENT CALENDAR--
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THERE'S NO BETTER WAY THAN A BOX OF SEX
TOYS TO COMMEMORATE THE STORY OF HISTORY'S MOST FAMOUS VIRGIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE ANNUAL JAMES DYSON DESIGN AND ENGINEERING
AWARDS HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED, AND A TESTICLE BATH BIRTH CONTROL
DEVICE JUST EARNED THIS YEAR'S DYSON PRIZE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU WANT DO-IT-YOURSELF STERILIZATION,
YOU DON'T NEED THIS THING IF YOU ALREADY OWN A DYSON.
THEY REALLY NEVER DO LOSE SUCTION.
EVIDENTLY-- NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
EVIDENTLY, THE DEVICE, SEEN RIGHT HERE, BLASTS
YOUR BUSINESS WITH ULTRASOUND TO DISABLE SPERM MOBILITY.
HERE'S A FUN VIDEO ABOUT IT ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, I'M DONE ALL
RIGHT.
THANKS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THANKS, BUT I'VE ALREADY GOT A MUG FOR MY TEABAG.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN HISTORIC BOOZE
NEWS, THE WORLD'S LARGEST WINE FACTORY FROM THE BYZANTINE
PERIOD HAS BEEN UNCOVERED BY ARCHAEOLOGISTS, AND IT'S 1,500
YEARS OLD.
NOW YOU CAN STICK IT TO YOUR WINE SNOB FRIENDS AT DINNER:
"WHAT'S THAT, ALAN?
A 2017 MALBEC?
THAT'S CUTE.
I BROUGHT A NICE 623 RED FROM THE ANCIENT WORLD, SHROUDED IN
THE DUST OF MILLENNIA.
AND WHEN YOU UNCORK IT, ENTOMBED SOULS OF THE DAMNED ARE
RELEASED.
IT PAIRS GREAT WITH FISH."
PIERCE?
DOESN'T MATTER.
FORGIVES ALL.
MEANWHILE, IN TODAY'S KOALA SEX NEWS, CHLAMYDIA IS SO WIDESPREAD
AMONG KOALAS, THEY'RE GETTING VACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A HUGE RELIEF TO
CONSERVATIONISTS.
AND ALSO TO EVERYONE BONING KOALAS.
APPARENTLY, ROUGHLY 400 AUSTRALIAN KOALAS WILL BE
VACCINATED AGAINST CHLAMYDIA AS PART OF A TRIAL THAT RESEARCHERS
SAY THEY HOPE COULD PLAY A SIGNIFICANT ROLE IN THE
LONGER-TERM SURVIVAL OF THE ANIMALS.
OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF THEY CAN CONVINCE THE INCREASINGLY
VOCAL CONTINGENT OF ANTI-VAX MARSUPIALS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NICK OFFERMAN.
COME ON!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
HERE WE GO.
AND WE'RE OFF.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE ONLY PERSON I CAN INTRODUCE
AS A BELOVED ACTOR, "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR, AND
PROFESSIONAL WOODWORKER.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, NICK OFFERMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> BOY, IS IT GOOD TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A CALMING PRESENCE, NICK OFFERMAN.
>> THANK YOU.
I'LL TRY AND KEEP IT THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> SHOULD I TALK SLOWER?
>> Stephen: I DOUBT THAT'S POSSIBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS EXPECTING-- BECAUSE OF THE
PHOTO I SAW LAST NIGHT, WHERE WE PROMOD YOU-- HEY, TOMORROW
NIGHT, NICK OFFERMAN-- THE PROMO SHOWED YOU HAD THE BIG BEARD.
HOW DO YOU MAKE THE DECISION ON WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE FULL
BIBLICAL PATRIARCH, AND WHEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE BE
RUSTIC.
>> I CALL IT THE FULL GIMLY AROUND MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: VERY GOOD.
>> MY WIFE-- I DIDN'T REALIZE SHE WAS TOLERATING MY WHISKERS
FOR A COUPLE OF DECADES.
AND FINALLY, SHE SAID, ", YOU KNOW, WHAT?
IS THERE AN OPTION THAT DOESN'T ENVELOPE A MOUTH FULL OF
THISTLES FOR ME?" >> Stephen: IS THIS OKAY?
BECAUSE THIS LEVEL, THIS LENGTH IS MORE PRICKLY.
>> HERE'S THE THING, ONE OF THE HATS I WEAR, WHICH YOU
GENEROUSLY JUST DESCRIBED IS TO WORK AS AN ACTOR, AND I HAD A
COUPLE OF RECENT JOBS WHERE I WAS CLEAN SHAVEN.
I FINISHED ONE SEVEN DAYS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO, MEGAN HASN'T SAID
ANYTHING YET, SO I'M LETTING IT --
>> Stephen: UNTIL SHE STRABZ YOU DOWN AND TAKES THE NORLEICO
TO YOUR FACE YOU'LL KEEP GOING?
>> I'M HOPING I CAN CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE SHADOWS.
>> Stephen: SURE, SHE'S NOT GOING TO WATCH THIS.
SHE'S NOT GOING TO WATCH THIS INTERVIEW, RIGHT.
>> PROBABLY NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU SAT DOWN.
THAT'S THE TABLE-- WE ALWAYS HAVE THIS OUT HERE-- THAT'S THE
TABLE YOU GAVE ME YEARS AGO.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> IT'S SINCERELY MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I REMEMBERED.
>> Stephen: IT TRULY IS.
>> IN MY HEAD, IT WASN'T THIS INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT WOOD AGAIN?
IS THAT SYCAMORE?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> IT HAS A FEW DIFFERENT NAMES.
IT'S CALLED BAY LAUREL.
>> Stephen: LIKE WHERE BAY LEAVES COME FROM?
>> YEAH, OR A PEPPER TREE.
>> Stephen: I COULD THROW THAT INTO A SOUP.
>> YOU COULD.
OR YOU COULD-- YOU COULD GRIND IT UP AND MAKE A POLTIS WITH IT.
>> Stephen: A POLTIS?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: A POTLISWITH MY TINGURE.
YOU'RE AN ACTOR, WOODWORKER, AND 17th CENTURY DOCTOR AT THE
SAME TIME.
LEACH CRAFT.
YOU'RE A JACK OF MANY TRADES, IF NOT ALL.
AND YOU'VE WRITTEN ANOTHER BOOK, "WHERE THE DEER AND ANTELOPE
PLAY."
IN THIS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS OF THIS IS THAT YOU WRITE
ABOUT A HIKING TRIP YOU TOOK WITH TWO AMAZING FELLOWS.
YOU KNOW I'M HUGE FANS OF.
THIS IS YOU, JEFF TWEEDY OF "WILCO," AND GEORGE SAUNDERS,
THE GREAT AMERICAN SHORT STORY WRITER AND NOVELIST.
HOW-- HOW ON EARTH DID THIS COME ABOUT?
I HEAR-- I HEARD A HINT THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS
BURGEONING BROMANCE.
>> YOU PLAY INTO THE STORY.
IT'S EVEN IN THE BOOK.
FOR SOME REASON, IN THE YEAR 2014, I WAS WORKING ON MY SECOND
BOOK, CALLED "GUMPTION," AND I INTERVIEWED-- I INTERVIEWED 21--
OR PROFILE 21 HEROES.
SOME OF THEM ARE DEAD, LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON.
BUT JEFF AND GEORGE BOTH FEATURED IN THE BOOK.
SO SEPARATELY, I MET THEM.
AND WE FELL IN LOVE.
SOMETHING WAS IN THE AIR WHERE-- IT WASN'T EVEN SPRING.
BUT WE-- I MET THEM SEPARATELY AND WE HUGGED AND JUST AGREED TO
BE TOGETHER.
WE WERE, LIKE -- >> Stephen: SURE, YOU CAN'T
EXPLAIN IT.
>> "LET'S KEEP THIS FOREVER."
AND THEN THAT SAME YEAR, THE TWO OF THEM WERE ON THE FINAL
EPISODE OF "THE COLBERT REPORT," AND THEN WE ALL REPORTED TO EACH
OTHER THAT WE-- I MET-- SO I MET GEORGE.
WE'RE ALL IN LOVE.
AND SO -- >> Stephen: YOU'RE A THROUPLE
AT THIS POINT.
>> WE'RE A THREE-WAY BROMANCE, A TRIPOD.
>> Stephen: MUCH LIKE THAT TABLE OVER THERE.
>> THE THREE-LEGGED STOOL, DOESN'T WOBBLE.
>> Stephen: BUT HOW DID THIS-- HOW DID THAT-- NOT TO SHORTEN
YOUR STORY, BUT HOW DID THAT BECOME THIS?
>> SO WE STARTED A THREE-WAY TEXT THREAD, AND THAT'S OUR MAIN
SORT OF CHAT ROOM, WHERE WE COMMISERATE, WE BOUNCE PROJECTS
OFF EACH OTHER.
AND EVENTUALLY, JEFF AND I WERE PLAYING A SHOW TOGETHER AT LARGO
IN LOS ANGELES.
I WAS OPENING FOR HIM AT A STAGE SHOW.
AND HE-- I WAS TELLING HIM ABOUT THIS BOOK IDEA, AND HE SAID-- IT
WAS HIS IDEA-- WHY DON'T YOU AND GEORGE AND I GO WALK SOMEWHERE
BEAUTIFUL AND YOU CAN USE THE GORGEOUS, PHILOSOPHICAL THINGS
GEORGE AND I TEND TO SAY FOR YOUR BOOK.
AND I SAID, "THANK YOU, JEFF TWEEDY.
I THINK I WILL DO THAT."
AND I IMMEDIATELY-- IT WAS LIKE "BOOK ME A NATIONAL PARK HIKING
TRIP FOR ME AND JEFF AND GEORGE."
>> Stephen: WHERE IS THIS ONE?
>> THAT'S GLACKIER NATIONAL PARK.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN.
I'VE NEVER BEEN.
>> I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE-- DO YOU GUYS STILL HAVE
THE TEXT CHAIN GOING?
>> WE DO.
>> Stephen: COULD WE TEXT THEM RIGHT NOW.
>> SURE, LET ME -- >> Stephen: LET'S SEND THEM A
VIDEO, SEE IF THEY RESPOND.
>> LET ME FIRE UP -- >> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO SEE.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> OKAY, WE'LL SEND THEM -- >> Stephen: SEND A VIDEO.
>> AND WE'RE ROLLING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A PHOTO.
THAT'S A ( BLEEP ) PHOTO.
WOODWORKING, NOT ELECTRONICS.
>> IT'S MY THING.
IT'S PART OF MY BRAND THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT COMPUTERS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> VIDEO... SELFIE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> FLIP THAT AROUND.
>> Stephen: SURE.
HEY, GEORGE!
>> HELLO, GUYS.
>> Stephen: HEY, JEFF.
WE'RE HERE ON THE SHOW.
DO YOU WANT TO SHOW THEM WE'RE ON THE SHOW?
FLIP THAT AROUND?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE NEXT TIME YOU ALL GO HIKING,
I'D LOVE TO GO.
I HIKE, I DON'T WANT TO GET IN ON YOUR THING HERE.
BUT I HIKE, AND I ALSO CHAFE.
SO NOT VERY FAR, PLEASE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND SOMEONE BRING TALCOM TOWDER.
>> GEORGE, WE CAN TEACH THEM YOUR BUTTER TRICK.
SEE, I LOVE YOU GUYS.
>> Stephen: BUTTER TRICK?
BUTTER...
( APPLAUSE ) THE BUTTER-- THE BUTTER TRICK.
IS THAT COW BUTTER OR COCOA BUTTER?
>> EITHER WORK S.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN,
I'LL ASK NICK ABOUT ROAMING THE COUNTRY WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE
MEGAN MALLALY IN AN R.V.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "WHERE THE DEER AND ANTELOPE
PLAY," AMERICAN TREASURE, MR. NICK OFFERMAN.
YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE DID SOMETHING I HIGHLY ADMIRE, YOU
AND MEGAN MULLALLY, YOUR LOVELY WIFE.
DURING COVID, YOU WENT OUT THERE, YOU R.V.'d IT AROUND
THE UNITED STATES TOGETHER.
I WAS SO TEMPTED TO DO THAT.
>> YOU KNOW, THE HIKING WAS JEFF'S IDEA, AND THE AIRSTREAM
WAS MEGAN'S IDEA.
I'M JUST A VESSEL.
I'M -- >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE TOFU OF
EVERY RELATIONSHIP.
>> I AM.
>> Stephen: MUCH LIKE YOUR BEARD-- YOU ABSORB FLAVOR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT ( LAUGHTER )
MEGAN IS THE CURATOR.
SHE'S THE PICKER OF THINGS.
AND WHEN IT WAS COMING-- WHEN THE LOCKDOWN FIRST KIND OF SANK
IN, WHERE IT WAS LIKE, "OH, WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK HERE FOR
A LONG TIME."
SHE SAID, "WHAT IF WE GET SOME SORT OF CAMPER SO WE CAN TRAVEL
TO SEE OUR FAMILIES FOR THANKSGIVING."
AND I SAID, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE, LET ME COME IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT."
( LAUGHTER ) "AND MAKE YOU ONE OF MY SPECIAL
MEALS."
AND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BUT WE GOT AN AIRSTREAM, AND IT WAS
INCREDIBLE.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
IT'S VERY ROMANTIC.
>> Stephen: CHEMICAL TOILET?
>> NO, FULL, PLUG-IN TO SEWER SITUATION TOILET, IN AN R.V.
PARK.
>> Stephen: NICE.
>> YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR FULL HOOK-UPS.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS GOING TO EVENTUALLY RETIRE OUT TO THE
SLAB?
>> I HOPE SO.
>> Stephen: OFF THE GRID?
OFF THE GRID COMPLETELY?
MACHINE YOUR OWN SCREWS?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WRITE A MANIFESTO.
>> WE'LL BE BOONDOCKING.
>> Stephen: NICK, IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: HIS NEW BOOK, "WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY,"
ONE QUICK THING, BEFORE YOU GO-- WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
DID THEY WRITE YOU BACK?
DID THEY-- DID TWEEDY OR SAUNDERS WRITE YOU BACK?
>> LET'S SEE.
PROBABLY NOT.
I THINK JEFF'S ON TOUR WITH WILCO RIGHT NOW.
NOT YET.
BUT, MY MOM DID.
I SENT HER A PICTURE OF YOU FROM BACKSTAGE, AND I WOULD JUST LIKE
TO SAY TO YOU, MY MOM AND DAD ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL,
SMALL-TOWN ILLINOIS, SALT OF THE EARTH COUPLE.
AND MY MOM SAID WHEN I WAS GOING TO DO THIS, SHE SAID, "ARE YOU
GOING TO DO "STEPHEN COLBERT"?
AND I SAID, YEAH, I AM.
SHE SAID, DURING THE PANDEMIC WE LOVED HIS WORK SO MUCH.
IT WAS SO HUMANIZING.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
>> AND HE GOT US THROUGH.
I WAS SO THRILLED -- >> Stephen: THAT MAKES ME SO
HAPPY.
THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
GIVE MY BEST TO YOUR PARENTS.
THE BOOK IS "WHERE THE DEER AND ANTELOPE PLAY."
THE MAN IS NICK OFFERMAN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
MY NEXT GUEST IS A BEST SELLING AUTHOR, COHOST OF "THE BREAKFAST
CLUB," AND NOW THE HOST OF COMEDY CENTRAL'S NEW WEEKLY
LATE-NIGHT SERIES, "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH WITH CHARLAMAGNE
THA GOD."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, MY FRIEND AND YOURS,
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> OH, MAN.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE!
>> Stephen: ISN'T THAT PLEASANT?
>> YEAH.
I'M ADJUSTING.
I'M STILL ADJUSTING TO PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: STILL ADJUSTING BEING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE?
LISTEN, WE'VE HAD YOU ON THE SHOW MANY TIMES, ALWAYS HAPPY TO
HAVE YOU HERE.
YOU'RE A VERY POPULAR RADIO HOST, PEOPLE LISTENING TO YOU,
BESTSELLER AUTHOR, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PUBLISHING IMPRINT CALLED...
>> BLACK PRIVILEGE PUBLISHING.
>> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE ADDED ANOTHER TITLE.
YOU ARE A LATE-NIGHT HOST ON "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH WITH
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD," WHICH I EXECUTIVE PRODUCE.
>> HEY!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, I WANT TO
KNOW, DID YOU-- ONE THING WE'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IS DID YOU
ALWAYS WANT TO BE A LATE-NIGHT HOST?
BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF AN ODD JOB TO HAVE.
>> REALLY, MR. LATE-NIGHT HOST.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: THIS WAS NEVER THE IDEA FOR ME.
>> YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A LATE-NIGHT HOST, SINCE THE
DAYS OF ARSENIO HALL.
AND I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SUCH A BIG GAP BETWEEN ARSENIO HALL AND
A BLACK MAN IN LATE NIGHT BRINGING THAT KIND OF ENERGY.
AND THERE WAS THE RISE OF JON STEWARTS AND YOURSELF.
AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ON LATE NIGHT,
SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE.
IT MADE ME WANT TO DO IT EVEN MORE.
I HAD TWO LATE-NIGHT SHOWS BEFORE.
I HAD "CHARLEMAGNE AND MORE" AND "UNCOMMON FRIENDS."
YEAH, EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
ARSENIO, KIND OF FREED ME A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE
WAS DOING SOME INTERVIEWS WHEN HE HAD A STAND-UP SPECIAL COMING
OUT.
AND HE SAID THAT CHARLEMAGNE IS THE ME OF THIS GENERATION.
BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE A LATE-NIGHT SHOW.
HE HAS, YOU KNOW, THE RADIO SHOW AND A PODCAST AND YOUTUBE, AND
THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE ARE GOING NOW.
SO I WAS LIKE, "OH, OKAY, THAT'S A RELIEF."
I THOUGHT THAT WAS OFF MY VISION BOARD.
BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY OVER IN THE OLD "DAILY
SHOW"" STUDIOS, MY OLD STOMPING GROUNDS.
>> A LOT OF PRESSURE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE VIBE OF THE BUILDING
>> I LOVE IT.
WE NAMED IS THE "HAPPY ACCIDENT."
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT
>> WE WERE SITTING AROUND HAVING A CONVERSATION AND YOU SAID
BEING IN THIS BUILDING.
A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
YOU SAID YOUR CAREER WAS A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
>> Stephen: YES, NOTHING WAS PLANNED.
>> AND YOU TOLD US THIS LONG, 20-MINUTE STORY-- AMAZING STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN-- AND THEN I GO-- YOU
SAID "THE HAPPY ACCIDENT."
I SAID "THE HAPPY ACCIDENT," THAT'S A GREAT TURN.
AND MY SHOW RUNNER, HER NAME IS RACHEL, HE CAME OVER AND IN HER
EMAIL SHE HAD MADE HER PRODUCTION COMPANY "THE HAPPY
ACCIDENT."
WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
SHE HAD A LOGO AND EVERYTHING.
THE LOGO WAS A CUP SPILLING WITH A SMILEY FACE.
SO IT WAS A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
I BELIEVE THAT WAS AMAZINGLY NORMAL.
>> Stephen: FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE HAPPENING AT THE SAME
TIME.
>> ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
FOR YOU TO SAY "THE HAPPY ACCIDENT" --
>> Stephen: THE SINK NISSITY SEEMS NORMAL TO YOU.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THIS, IT SEEMS SPIRITUAL?
>> YES, DIVINE, THAT'S ANOTHER WORLD FOR SPIRITUAL.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH YOU.
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I HAVE A FEELING IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE FIRST SHOWS THAT YOU'VE DONE
OVER THERE.
YOU'VE CHOSEN AS YOUR SUBJECTS THE-- SO FAR THE SHOWS HAVE BE
BEEN-- EACH SHOW HAS ITS OWN FOCUS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU DRILL DOWN ON ONE THING.
GERMANY'S DE-NAZIIFICATION, AND AMERICA'S DE-CRACKIFICATION.
THE F.B.I.
>> WE HAVE TO DECRACKIFY THE F.B.I.
>> Stephen: AND THE RIGHT WING BACKLASH.
>> WE HAVE TO DECRACKIFY EDUCATION.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: GENERATIONAL TRAUMA.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: GENERATIONAL TRAUMA WITHIN THE BLACK
COMMUNITY.
AND AN UNWILLINGNESS TO ADDRESS THAT THROUGH THERAPY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND-- >> YOU HAVE TO DE-CRACKIFY THE
MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM AS WELL.
>> Stephen: AND THIS PAST WEEKEND, WHICH I REALLY ENJOYED,
THE DEMON OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
AND WHAT THAT DOES TO US.
>> YEAH, WE JUST ALL HAVE TO DISCONNECT FROM THAT, PERIOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
( APPLAUSE ) I FEEL LIKE-- I FEEL LIKE WE
HAVE TO DISCONNECT FROM SOCIAL MEDIA IN ORDER TO RECONNECT WITH
OURSELVES.
BECAUSE I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALL BECOMING A BUNCH OF
EMOTIONLESS PEOPLE WHO LACK EMPATHY, AND WE'RE REALLY JUST
ALGORITHMS IN HUMAN BODIES.
LITERALLY, WE WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND WAIT FOR SOCIAL MEDIA TO
TELL US WHAT TO THINK AND WHAT TO BELIEVE.
NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE TRUTH.
THE LIES ARE MORE ENTERTAINING.
IT'S ALMOST POINTLESS TO TELL THE TRUTH BECAUSE EVERYBODY
WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED.
>> Stephen: WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
THOSE ARE FOUR STRONG SUBJECTS TO START WITH.
WHAT'S NEXT ON YOUR AGENDA?
>> NEXT ON THE AGENDA IS WHAT WE'RE CALLING THE COWARDLY
COVERAGIES.
WHICH IS THE COWARDICE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
YES, AND IF -- >> Stephen: WHAT SHOULD THEY
BE DOING THAT THEY'RE NOT?
>> I FEEL LIKE IF THEY DON'T STOP BEING COWARDS, I THINK
WE'RE REALLY, REALLY LOOKING AT THE DEATH OF DEMOCRACY AS WE
KNOW IT.
LIKE, I MEAN, FOUR SIMPLE THINGS KNOW--
( APPLAUSE ) FOUR SIMPLE THINGS THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION COULD DO TO PROTECT DEMOCRACY.
NUMBER ONE, YOU HAVE TO PROTECT VOTING RIGHT, RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU JUST SIMPLY GOT TO.
NUMBER TWO, YOU HAVE TO PACK THE SUPREME COURT.
NUMBER THREE, YOU HAVE TO END THE FILIBUSTER SO YOU CAN
GOVERN.
RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) AND NUMBER FOUR, YOU HAVE TO
MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF THE PEOPLE WHO ATTEMPTED A COUP THIS
COUNTRY ON JANUARY 6.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY MAY DO THAT.
I THINK THEY MAY DO THAT.
>> IT BUMS ME OUT THAT WE TREAT JANUARY 6 LIKE IT WAS JUST A
BUNCH OF KIDS WILDING IN MIAMI ON SPRING BREAK.
IT WAS AN ATTEMPTED COUP OF THIS COUNTRY.
AND IT'S LIKE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT ENOUGH.
THAT SHOULD BE THE HEADLINE EVERY NIGHT ON EVERY NEWS
NETWORK, EVERY LATE-NIGHT SHOW ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: I THINK AS WE TAPE THIS RIGHT NOW, AS WE TAPE THIS
RIGHT NOW, I THINK THE SENATE-- THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS
VOTING WHETHER TO REFER STEVE BANON FOR PROSECUTION BY THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FOR AVOIDING HIS SUBPOENA.
HAS THAT HAPPENED YET?
DO WE KNOW?
WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S HAPPENED YET.
>> PEOPLE THINK HILLARY CLINTON IS CRAZY BECAUSE SHE LOST, AND
THEY THINK SHE'S JUST BITTER.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO SHE WAS SAYING HOW WE'RE HEADED TOWARDS
MINORITY RULE.
THAT'S WHY SHE'S IN SUMMIT OF ENDING THE FILIBUSTER SO WE CAN
GOVERN.
SHE WAS LIKE THE G.O.P. IS LAWLESS AND THEY DON'T CARE
ABOUT RULES.
THEY'RE GANGSTERS.
WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH GANGSTERS, YOU HAVE TO DO
GANGSTER THINGS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T BRING A SPOON TO A KNIFE FIGHT.
>> YOU CAN'T BRING A SPOON TO A KNIFE FIGHT, EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT ONE THING.
THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH WITH
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD," BUT THEN IT SAYS-- AKA, LENARD McKEFLY.
>> IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY KNOW YOUS AS CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
THAT'S HOW I GOT TO KNOW YOU.
WHY IS IT PARDON FOR YOU TO BE LENARD McKELVEY, THE NAME YOU
GREW UP WITH IN MONK'S CORNER IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> IT'S SOMETHING THAT GROUNDS ME.
I GO TO MY THERAPIST A LOT AND TALK ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT UP IN
THE CARICATURE OF YOURSELF.
I THINK IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO BE IN THIS BUSINESS AND NOT
BE CAUGHT UP IN BEING A CARICATURE OF YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO LIVE UP TO THE EXPECTATION.
>> EXANGTLY.
WHEN YOU READ ABOUT YOURSELF IN BLOGS AND STUFF.
YOU SAY THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE I'LL GIVE YOU MORE OF THAT.
WHEN I HEAR LENARD McKELVEY, I HEAR MY MOTHER, MY GRANDMOTHER,
MY WIFE.
NOBODY CALLS ME CHARLEMAGNE.
WE HAD WILL SMITH ON "THE BREAKFAST CLUB," JANUARY OF OF
LAST YEAR.
WE READ MY BOOK AND HE WAS TALKING TO ME AND HE SAID,"I'M
SEEING THE REAL YOU POKE OUT."
HE WAS LIKE, "I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE
MASK ANYMORE.
YOU ARE ENOUGH."
AND I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU TAPPING MY PHONE?
IS MY THERAPIST-- IS MY THERAPIST GIVING YOU NOTES ON
ME?
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?" I FELT LIKE THAT WAS GOD TALKING
THROUGH HIM AT THAT MOMENT TO LET ME KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE MASK ANYMORE.
LENARD IS ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I CALL THAT, A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
>> A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
>> Stephen: "THA GOD'S HONEST TRUTH WITH CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD"
AIRS FRIDAYS AT 10:00 P.M. ON COMEDY CENTRAL AND STREAMS ON
PARAMOUNT+.
CHECK IT OUT Y'ALL.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE THE STAR OF HBO'S
"INSECURE," ISSA RAE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.