Captioning sponsored by CBS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, COLBERT.
FIRST LIVE AUDIENCE IN 15
MONTHS -- LET'S DO IT!
>> AREN'T YOU FORGETTING
SOMETHING?
>> Stephen: WAIT, WHO SAID
THAT?
>> I DID.
REMEMBER ME?
>> Stephen: OH, RIGHT!
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE
WORN A SUIT, I FORGOT, YOU HAVE
TO WEAR PANTS!
>> I'M ALL PRESSED AND READY TO
GO!
>> Stephen: GOSH, PANTSY, I
HAVEN'T WORN
PROFESSIONAL-STRENGTH TROUSERS
IN OVER A YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
>> DON'T WORRY, STEVE, I'LL HELP
YOU.
WE'LL GET THROUGH IT --
TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: TOGETHER?
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: COME HERE, BUDDY! PANTSY, IT'S YOU AND ME FOREVER! AH!
HERE WE GO!
ONE MORE TIME!
WE'RE DOIN' IT!
CLOSE, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
WE'RE BACK!
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JON JOHN
STEWART AND MUSICAL GUEST JON
BATISTE, FEATURING DANA GARVEY,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY Y
HUMAN."
LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
WHOO!
COME ON, MAN!
( CHEERING )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
>> Stephen: HEY!
HOW ARE YA!
( CHANTING )
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
WELCOME!
PLEASE!
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH UP THERE!
HI AND AWAY!
EVERYBODY DOWN HERE, PLEASE!
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: SO HOW YOU BEEN?
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
WE NEVER -- WE NEVER REALLY
LEFT, BUT WE CERTAINLY WEREN'T
HERE.
THIS IS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT
ENERGY THAN THE CONVERTED
STORAGE ROOM EIGHT FLOORS ABOVE
US.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS BEAUTIFUL AS THAT WAS, AS
LOVELY AS THAT WAS.
( APPLAUSE )
I HAVE NOT BEEN ON THIS STAGE IN
FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE FOR 460
DAYS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN REMEMBER
HOW TO PANDER TO THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL CROWD IN THE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY!
LOOK AT THAT MAN RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT FEELS LIKE THE FIRST DAY BACK
AT SCHOOL.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'M EXCITED, I'M A
LITTLE NERVOUS.
I'VE GOT A NEW HAIRCUT AND NEW
CLOTHES, CBS SENT ME A
PARAMOUNT+ TRAPPER KEEPER.
IT'S PRETTY SWEET.
THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME FOR YOU
FOLKS TOO.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE REPLACED ALL OF
OUR APPLAUSE SIGNS WITH
REMEMBER HOW TO APPLAUD SIGNS.
I'M PROUD TO SAY, WE'RE THE
FIRST SHOW BACK UP ON BROADWAY,
SUCK IT, "LION KING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT!
I'M SORRY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAKUNA MA SUCK IT.
( LAUGHTER )
AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN WORKING IN
THE CITY FOR A YEAR NOW, IT'S
WONDERFUL TO SEE NEW YORK CITY
COMING BACK TO LIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS KNOW.
YOU FEEL IT.
YOU FEEL IT EVERYWH EVERYWHERE .
JUST TODAY, I SAW TWO TIMES
SQUARE ELMOS BREEDING.
LIFE FINDS A WAY.
OF COURSE, I DIDN'T DO THE LAST
15 MONTHS ALONE.
IN THE DOME TONIGHT, YOU CAN SEE
THE ENTIRE LATE SHOW STAFF.
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GIVE IT UP.
YES!
I ALSO WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT
TO THE MAN WHOSE OFFICE WORKED
WITH US FOR MONTHS TO GET US
BACK IN THE THEATER TONIGHT.
NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.
HE'S NOT HERE TONIGHT BUT HE
ASKED ME TO READ THIS NOTE -- IF
YOU REMEMBER ME FOR ONE THING
THIS YEAR, LET IT BE BRINGING
BACK "THE LATE SHOW"'S AUDIENCE,
THAT'S IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, FOR THOSE HAVE YOU WATCHING
AT HOME.
EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT
IS FULLY VACCINATED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE IMMORTAL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT BEING A MEMBER OF MY
AUDIENCE ISN'T THE ONLY REASON
TO GET YOUR SHOT,
IT'S JUST THE BEST REASON.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS IN TONIGHT'S
INSTALLMENT OF
THE VAX-SCENE L3
(TO THE TUNE OF "TEQUILA")
♪♪♪
( CHEERING ) (TO THE TUNE OF "TEQUILA")
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU! >> STEPHEN: AND THEY SAID IT COULDN'T GET LONGER.
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN VACCINATED
YET, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
THERE ARE GREAT INCENTIVES.
TOMORROW, TACO BELL IS GIVING
VACCINATED CALIFORNIANS A
FREE SEASONED BEEF NACHO CHEESE
DORITOS LOCOS TACO.
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO
WANTS TO GET VACCINATED BUT
STILL DOESN'T VALUE HUMAN LIFE.
ISN'T IT A GOOD SIGN YOU DANCED
FOR FOUR MINUTES AND CAN'T
BREATHE?
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE STEPPING
OUT TO SEE OLD FRIENDS.
OVER THE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT
BIDEN WAS IN THE U.K. FOR THE
G-7 SUMMIT AND BRITISH PRIME
MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON WAS
STOKED:
>> IT'S WONDERFUL TO LISTEN TO
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION AND TO
JOE BIDEN.
I'S FANTASTIC.
IT'S A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW THE LAST
GUY WAS BAD WHEN A 78-YEAR-OLD
MAN IS DESCRIBED AS A BREATH OF
FRESH AIR.
(AS BORIS JOHNSON)
YOU KNOW, HE JUST -- HE JUST --
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT, SOMETHING
EXTRAORDINARY, SOMETHING ABOUT
HIM THAT
JUST RADIATES A BRACING CLOUD OF
GOLD BOND AND FIXODENT.
( LAUGHTER )
WHILE HE WAS IN ENGLAND, THE
PRESIDENT ALSO HUNG OUT WITH
QUEEN ELIZABETH, SEEN HERE
ENJOYING THAT OPRAH INTERVIEW.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BIND -- SURE.
WHY NOT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SEVEN-MONTH-OLD REFERENCE,
THAT'S FINE.
( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN AND THE QUEEN HAD MET
BEFORE, BUT IT WAS WAY BACK IN
1982.
THAT'S WHEN SHE WAS TOURING WITH
HER SYNTHPOP BAND...
FLOCK OF REGALS.
( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN HAD SOME KIND WORDS FOR
HER MAJESTY.
>> SHE WAS VERY GENEROUS.
SHE WAS VERY -- I DON'T THINK
SHE'D BE
INSULTED BUT SHE REMINDED ME OF
MY MOTHER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE.
THAT'S NICE, BUT, JOE, YOU'RE
ONLY
ONLY 17 YEARS APART.
YOU'RE MORE CONTEMPORARIES, LIKE
ME AND MY BUDDY JON BATISTE.
RIGHT?
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
SOME CONTEMPORARIES IN THERE!
I LOVE IT!
YES!
THAT'S SO NICE.
MY GRANDPA USED TO SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: THANKS, JON!
IT WAS A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE
QUEEN.
SHE ATTENDED A CHARITY LUNCHEON,
AND THERE WAS CAKE
>> I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GOING
TO WORK.
>> THERE IS A KNIFE.
>> WHAT?
>> THERE IS A KNIFE.
>> I KNOW THERE IS.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS MORE
UNUSUAL.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A LADY WHO
KNOWS HER BRAND.
( AS THE QUEEN... )
SEEING AS I'M A 200 YEAR OLD
PAIR OF CURTAINS, WHOSE FACE IS
ON THE MONEY, AND WHOSE FAMILY
IS MORE INBRED THAN A DISCOUNT
GOLDEN RETRIEVER, I THINK WE'RE
QUITE PAST NORMAL AT THIS
JUNCTURE.
NOW, WHO WANTS A PIECE OF COSTCO
SHEET CAKE?
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S TRIP ABROAD
WILL END WITH HIS MUCH
ANTICIPATED SHOWDOWN ON
WEDNESDAY WITH
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT AND COVER
MODEL, VLADIMIR PUTIN.
THIS MEETING COULD BE AWKWARD
BECAUSE EARLIER THIS YEAR
BIDEN CALLED PUTIN A KILLER.
THIS WEEKEND PUTIN WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES:
>> MR PRESIDENT, ARE YOU A
KILLER?
>> (TRANSLATED)
( LAUGHTER )
OVER MY TENURE I'VE GOTTEN USED
TO ATTACKS FROM ALL KINDS OF
ANGLES AND FROM ALL KINDS OF
AREAS UNDER ALL KINDS OF PRETEXT
AND REASONS AND OF DIFFERENT
CALIBER AND FIERCENESS, AND NONE
OF IT SURPRISES ME.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THAT'S A YES?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PUTIN WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW
BIDEN COMPARES TO THE LAST
PRESIDENT:
>> YOU ONCE DESCRIBED PRESIDENT
TRUMP AS A BRIGHT PERSON,
TALENTED.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE PRESIDENT
BIDEN?
>> WELL, EVEN NOW, I BELIEVE
THAT FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT PLUMP
MR. TRUMP IS AN EXTRAORDINARY
INDIVIDUAL, TALENTED INDIVIDUAL,
OTHERWISE, HE WOULD NOT HAVE
BECOME U.S. PRESIDENT.
HE'S A COLORFUL INDIVIDUAL.
>> STEPHEN: YES, AND SCIENTISTS
ARE STILL TRYING TO DETERMINE
WHAT COLOR THAT IS.
HONEY-GLAZED HIMMLER?
( LAUGHTER )
OH!
REALLY!
WOW!
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: IT'S WONDERFUL TO
BE WITH YOU AND BACK IN THE NEAD
SULLIVAN THEATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'VE ALWAYS SAID --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
FOLKS, I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THERE
IS NO GREATER AUDIENCE IN THE
WORLD THAN YOU PEOPLE.
WHEN I SAID THAT, I WAS WRONG.
( LAUGHTER )
SEE, FOR THE LAST 15 MONTHS, MY
ONLY AUDIENCE WAS TRULY THE
GREATEST OF ALL TIME, MY WIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
GIVE A BIG LATE SHOW WELCOME TO
EVIE COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING EVIE )
DARLING -- DARLING, UM, THANK
YOU -- THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO THE
PEOPLE?
>> OKAY, AUDIENCE, HE'S ALL
YOURS NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH
BECAUSE HE REALLY NEEDS IT.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
YOU WANNA?
>> SURE.
OUR GUESTS ARE AIR OWLED FRIEND
JOHN STEWART --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- AND MUSIC BY OUR NEW FRIEND
JON BATISTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, STEPHEN GOES
ONE-ON-ONE WITH PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪♪ ♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"
RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE MAN!
♪♪♪
JON...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I WANT TO SAY HEY TO EVERYBODY
IN THE BAND!
AN DIOWENS, BASS, TRUMPET, JOHN
LAMPE, LOUIS.
MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON BATISTE.
CAN'T WAITED TO SEE YOU.
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU LATER, MY
FRIEND.
>> Jon: BEAUTIFUL TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU.
>> Jon: LOVE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I
MENTIONED IN THE MONOLOGUE
STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, JOE
BIDEN IS CURRENTLY ON HIS FIRST
OVERSEAS TRIP AS PRESIDENT.
WHICH IS GOOD NEWS FOR
DIPLOMACY, BAD NEWS FOR ME.
BECAUSE I HAD HOPED TO HAVE HIM
AS MY FIRST GUEST FOR OUR RETURN
TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
SORRY, YOU'RE STUCK WITH JON
STEWART.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT JOE
BIDEN HAS MADE TIME TO BE WTH
US LIVE VIA SATELLITE.
JOINING ME NOW, FROM BRUSSELS,
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT --
MR. PRESIDENT --
>> OH, THERE YOU ARE.
YEAH, YEAH, THERE YOU ARE.
THANKS.
YEAH, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT,
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THAK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE --
BECAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL,
NOBODY'S BETTER THAN YOU, AND I
KNOW WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT,
NO JOKE!
>> Stephen: I APPRECIATE THAT,
SIR.
>> I APPRECIATE YOU, MERV.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SO, MR. PRESIDENT,
THIS IS YOUR FIRST TRIP ABROAD
SINCE TAKING OFFICE, HOW'S IT
GOING SO FAR?
>> GOING GREAT.
MET THE GUY WHO RUNS ENGLAND,
BORIS CAR LOVE -- BORIS JOHNSON,
EXCUSE ME.
THEN I MET THE HIGH SCHOOL KID
WHO RUNS FRANCE, MACARONI, HAD
TEA WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU ENJOYING
YOURSELF IN BELGIUM?
>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LOOK AT THE CRAZY PAN CAKES.
BUMPS EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S BONKERS.
COME ON.
>> Stephen: THOSE ARE GREAT,
MR. PRESIDENT, BUT I'M ASKING
HAS IT BEEN HARD TO REESTABLISH
DIPLOMATIC TIES WITH OUR ALLIES
AFTER THE LAST PRESIDENT BURNED
SOME BRIDGES.
>> OKAY, LOOK, LET'S BE REAL,
LET ME BE CLEAR, THE LAST GUY,
TRUMP, WAS BANANAS!
BUT LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME,
EUROPE, I'M NICE AND EASY.
I'M WHISPER CALM.
NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY SUDDEN
MOVES.
LOOK AT MY HANDS.
MOVING SLOW, LOOK AT THAT.
NOT HURR HERKY JERKY.
JUST SLOW AND EASY.
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SCARY.
NOT SCARY.
SCARY, NOT SCARY.
COME ON!
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COMFORTING,
SIR.
>> YEAH, THANKS, MERV
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, ARE
YOU AT ALL CONCERNED MEETING
WITH PUTIN ON WEDNESDAY GIVEN
THAT YOU VERY PUBLICLY CALLED
HIM A KILLER?
>> COME ON, NOW, I ONCE CALLED A
NICE LADY A DOG-FACED PONY
SOLDIER.
( LAUGHTER )
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL I'M
TALKING ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ME.
( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE I'M JOKING.
NO JOKE, NOW.
COME ON, NOW, I'M THE PRESIDENT,
GUY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD TO
KNOW.
NOW, LET'S --
( LAUGHTER )
>> SLOW AND EASY.
COME ON, NOW.
>> Stephen: VERY SOOTHING.
NOW, LET'S TALK VACCINES, SIR.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST SAID THE
UNITED STATES WILL DONATE
500 MILLION DOSES TO COUNTRIES
IN NEED.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
ROLLOUT IN THIS COUNTRY?
>> LET'S GET REAL, NUMBER ONE,
THE ONE PART.
NUMBER TWO, THE THING THE GUY
SAID.
NUMBER THREE, YOU KNOW THE
DRILL, COME ON, FOLKS.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE PLEASED
WITH OUR PROGRESS?
>> ABSOLUTELY!
YOU KNOW, COME ON, THESE
VACCINES ARE SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.
WE'VE GOT THREE DIFFERENT
FLAVORS.
THE MODERNA, THE P-FIZZER AND
THE J.J. ABRAMS, COME ON.
>> Stephen: THE MODERNA,
PFIZER AND JOHNSON & JOHNSON?
>> YOU GOT IT.
THAT'S IT.
COMEON NOW, LET'S GET REAL,
I'VE NEVER BEEN TOO GOOD WITH --
YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM.
>> Stephen: NAMES?
NO, THE BIG GUYS, ALL OF
THEM.
>> Stephen: WORDS?
THAT'S THE ONE!
WORDS!
THEY'RE LIKE REPUBLICANS, THEY
DON'T WANT TO WORK WITH ME BUT I
KEEP TRYING ANYWAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELL, SIR, I HAVE
TO SAY, THAT RESONATES.
THAT SEEMS TO RESONATE WITH
PEOPLE.
I HAVE TO SAY I'M GRATEFUL THE
ROLLOUT HAS BEEN SO EFFECTIVE I
CAN NOW HAVE A LIVE AUDIENCE
AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH, GOOD STUFF!
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING
TOGETHER AGAIN TO LAUGH AT YOUR
BAND AND DANCE AT YOUR JOKES!
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE -- IT'S
LIKE BEING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND
LIKE MY BEST FRIEND, A GUY NAMED
BARACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BARACK OBAMA.
OH, YOU KNOW HIM, TOO.
YEAH, HELL OF A GUY.
BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING.
>> Stephen: SIR, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
>> COME ON, MAN.
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, JACK.
LET'S DO SOME PUSHUPS.
>> Stephen: NOT RIGHT NOW,
SIR.
BUT BEFORE WE GO, I WOULD LIKE
TO SEE THAT AT SOME POINT,
THOUGH.
IS THERE ANY MESSAGE TO THE
COUNTRY THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE AS WE COME OUT TO HAVE THE
PANDEMIC?
>> LOOK, FOLKS, LOOK -- FOLKS
ARE HURTING, OKAY?
YOU KNOW, I GREW UP IN SCRANTON
UP, YOU KNOW, MY DAD LOST HIS
JOB.
HE SAYS, JOEY, I LOST MY JOB.
I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
POPS?
HE SAID, I'M GOING TO STARE AT
THE CEILING AND THINK ABOUT WHAT
TO DO.
SO POP WOULD STARE FOR HOURS A
DAY AT THE CEILING.
I WOULD SAY, POPS, CAN I STARE
FOR YOU FOR A WHILE?
SO I WOULD GO IN AND I'D STARE
SO HE COULD SHOWER AND WHATNOT,
GO TO PAPER JOES AND GET PAPER
TOWELS AND AVOCADOS AND ALL THAT
GOOD STUFF.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT,
MR. PRESIDENT --
>> WHAT?
GREAT TO BE HERE, MERV.
COME ON.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT MERV.
ORRY ABOUT THAT, CONAN.
JOHNNY.
>> Stephen: PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN, EVERYBODY!
CHECK OUT HIS WORK THE REST OF
THE WEEK!
UNRELATED, CHECK OUT DANA
CARVEY'S NEW PODCAST FANTASTIC,
WITH DANA CARVEY, IT'S
FANTASTIC!
BACK WITH JON BATISTE,
FANTASTIC!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I♪
♪♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LOOK AT THAT!
LOOK AT THAT OVER THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
FOLKS!
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS JOHN
STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
♪♪♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
♪♪♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
♪♪♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
♪
>> I GUESS THIS IS IT! >> Stephen: IT'S A DELIGHT TO HAVE YOU HERE, MY FRIEND.
>> OH, MY GOD THERE'S NOTHING I
WANTED TO DO MORE THAN --
BREATHE EVERYONE'S AIR.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT I
KNOW ABOUT YOU, WE ARE TRULY
DEAR FRIENDS, AND YET THIS IS
THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN YOU IN
THE FLESH IN 15 MONTHS.
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
AND I AM SO REALLY HAPPY!
AND I KNOW WE'RE ALL EXCITED AND
I'M NOT GOING TO GET COVID, BUT
I'M GOING TO GET SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER )
HONESTLY, THESE PEOPLE DID NOT
TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEMSELVES
DURING THE PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME,
ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME WE
TALKED DURING COVID, I WAS STILL
IN SOUTH CAROLINA --
>> THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE LOCKED
DOWN.
>> Stephen: I WAS LOCKED DOWN,
DOWN THERE, AND THE FAMILY, EVIE
AND CAN KIDS WERE THE ACTUAL
CREW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW WE WERE
DOING IT, IN A LITTLE UNUSED
BEDROOM WITH CABLES THROUGH THE
WINDOW AND A SATELLITE TRUCK ON
OUR LAWN.
>> FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: THE ROOM WAS TWICE
THE SIZE OF THE DESK, REALLY
TINY, BUT THE POINT WAS TO GET
SOMETHING OUT THERE, WE REALLY
WANTED TO DO THE SHOW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHEN I WAS
INTERVIEWING YOU FOR IT, WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT HOW LITTLE
PROGRESS WE'VE MADE IN SCIENCE
IN COMBATING PANDEMICS.
IN 1918, THE ADVICE WAS WEAR A
MASK, WATCH YOUR HANDS, SAME A
HUNDRED YEARS LATER.
>> I THOUGHT IN 1918 THEY WOULD
BE, LIKE, DRINK A I THINK
THETURE OF MERCURY AND BUTTERFLY
JUICE.
IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE SCIENCE NOW?
>> SO, I WILL SAY THIS -- AND I
HONESTLY MEAN THIS -- I THINK WE
OWE A GREAT DEBT OF GRATITUDE TO
SCIENCE.
SCIENCE HAS, IN MANY WAYS,
HELPED EASE THE SUFFERING OF
THIS PANDEMIC WHICH WAS MORE
THAN LIKELY CAUSED BY SCIENCE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND THAT'S KIND OF -- NO, NO,
NO, NO.
LISTEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S COFFEE.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DO YOU MEAN PERHAPS THERE'S A
CHANCE THAT THIS WAS CREATED IN
A LAB, THERE'S AN
INVESTIGATION --
>> A CHANCE?
OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: IF THERE'S
EVIDENCE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR.
>> THERE'S A NOVEL RESPIRATORY
CORONAVIRUS OVERTAKING WUHAN
CHINA.
WHAT DO WE DO?
OH, YOU KNOW WHO WE COULD ASK?
THE WUHAN NOVEL RESPIRATORY
CORONAVIRUS LAB.
THE DISEASE IS THE SAME NAME AS
THE LAB.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S JUST -- THAT'S JUST A
LITTLE TOO WEIRD, DON'T YOU
THINK?
AND THEN THE ACTUAL SCIENTISTS
ARE, LIKE, HOW DID THIS -- SO,
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU WORK AT THE
WUHAN RESPIRATORY CORONAVIRUS
LAB, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
THEY'RE LIKE, OOOH, A PENGUIN
KISSED A TURTLE?
NO!
LOOK AT THE NAME!
LET ME SEE YOUR BUSINESS CARD!
SHOW ME YOUR BUSINESS CARD!
OH, I WORK AT THE CORONAVIRUS
LAB IN WUHAN!
OH!
BECAUSE THERE'S A CORONAVIRUS
LOOSE IN WUHAN.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
MAYBE A BAT FLEW INTO THE CHLOEA
OF A TURKEY AND SNEEZED INTO MY
CHILI AND NOW WE ALL HAVE
CORONAVIRUS.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, JON -
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S BEEN AN OUTBREAK OF
CHOCOLATY GOODNESS NEAR HERSHEY,
PENNSYLVANIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A STEAM
SHOVEL MADE IT WITH A COCOA
BEAN, OR MAYBE IT'S THE
( BLEEP ) CHOCOLATE FACTORY!
ANTHONY FAUCI AND FRANCISICLE LINS, THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY BE INVESTIGATED.
>> STOP WITH THE LODGESSIC AND
PEOPLE AND THINGS.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
IT COULD BE POSSIBLE, YOU COULD
BE RIGHT.
IT COULD BE POSSIBLE THAT THEY
HAVE THE LAB IN WIT WUHAN TO STY
THE NOVEL CORONAVIRUS DISEASES
BECAUSE IN WUHAN THERE ARE A LOT
OF CORONAVIRUS DISEASES BECAUSE
TO HAVE THE BAT POPULATION
THERE.
>> IT'S A LOCAL SPECIALTY AND
THE ONLY PLACE TO FIND BATS.
YOU WON'T FIND BATS ANYWHERE
ELSE.
US A THIN, TEXAS, HAVE THOUSANDS
OF THEM THAT FLY OUT OF A CAVE
EVERY NIGHT AT DUSK!
IS THERE A CORONAVIRUS IN AU
AUSTIN, A AN AUSTIN CORONAVIRUS?
NO, DOESN'T SEEM TO BE AN AUSTIN
CORONAVIRUS.
THE ONLY CORONAVIRUS IS IN WUHAN
WHERE THEY HAVE A LAB CALLED --
WHAT'S THE LAB CALLED AGAIN,
STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: THE WUHAN NOVEL
CORONAVIRUS LAB.
>> I BELIEVE THAT'S THE KAY
CASE.
-- IBELIEVE THAT'S THE CASE.
>> Stephen: AND HOW LONG HAVE
YOU WORKED FOR SENATOR RON
JOHNSON
( LAUGHTER )
>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
THIS IS NOT A CONSPIRACY.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD BE
RIGHT.
>> BUT THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH
SCIENCE.
SCIENCE IS INCREDIBLE.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP
AND NO ONE IN THE ROOM WITH
THOSE CATS GOES, I DON'T KNOW IF
WE SHOULD DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH YOU.
IF SCIENCE CAN DO IT, THEY WILL
DO IT.
>> THEY'RE LIKE CURIOSITY KILLED
THE CAT.
THEY'RE, LIKE, LET'S KILL 10,000
CATS TO FIND OUT WHY.
THAT'S WHAT SCIENCE DOES, THEY
PUSH THINGS.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WE
STOPPED FILMING A LONG TIME
BACK.
>> I UNDERSTAND.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE BEEN ALONE FOR SO LONG...
( LAUGHTER )
AND WHEN I REALIZED THAT THE
LABORATORY WAS HAVING THE SAME
NAME -- FIRST NAME AND LAST NAM-
( LAUGHTER )
-- OF THE EVIL THAT HAD BEEN
PLAGUING US, I THOUGHT TO
MYSELF, THAT'S ( BLEEP ) UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN TO WHAT I'M TELLING
YOU --
>> Stephen: JON, I TELL YOU
WHAT I'M SUSPICIOUS OF.
I'M SUSPICIOUS OF THE DAYTONA
BEACH SPRING BREAK HERPES LA.
THAT MAY BE WHERE THE HERPES
COMES FROM.
>> I HAVE BEEN TO THAT LAB.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH THE MAN HIMSELF, MR. JOHN STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON --
YEAH.
>> Stephen: EITHER I ASK YOU A
QUESTION NOW OR DO GO ON.
>> CAN I SAY SOMETHING ABOUT
SCIENTISTS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SAY
ANYTHING, SOME OF MY BEST
FRIENDS ARE SCIENTISTS.
>> I LOVE THEM AND THEY DO SUCH
GOOD WORK BUT THEY ARE GOING TO
KILL US ALL.
>> Stephen: ATOMIC BOMB,
PEOPLE.
>> ATOMIC BOMB.
THEY'RE STILL PEOPLE.
IF YOU CUT THE ATOM THIS WAY, IT
CAN POWER THE WAY WITH
ELECTRICITY, IF YOU CUT IT THAT
WAY, IT CAN BLOW EVERYTHING UP.
GUESS WHICH ONE WE TRIED FIRST.
THAT'S WHO WE ARE.
REMEMBER THE 1918 PANDEMIC --
>> Stephen: I'VE READ.
I WAS THERE.
LOOK AT MY BEARD.
1918, THEY HAD A SAMPLE THAT I
GUESS HAD BEEN IN THE WHATEVER
PERMAFROST LAB IN 1918, SO THE
IDEA WAS THEY WERE GOING TO
REANIMATE IT, SO THAT THEY COULD
STUDY IT.
THE 1918 PANDEMIC FLU.
THEY HAD A LITTLE SAMPLE OF IT
AND IT HADN'T BEEN A SCORNLG IN
THE EARTH IN 100 YEARS AND THEY
THOUGHT TO THEMSELVES, WHAT IF
WE JUST, I DON'T KNOW, WOKE IT
UP.
AND NOBODY IN THE ROOM WAS,
LIKE, NO, LET'S NOT DO THAT.
BUT THEY DID THAT.
HERE'S HOW I BELIEVE THE WORLD
ENDS, AND I SAY THIS TO YOU IN
SINCERITY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WE ARE A SCREWED-UP WORLD.
RACISM, INEQUALITY, FASCISM,
AUTHORITARIANISM, ALL THESE
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THINGS,
NATURAL RESOURCES ARE RUN DOWN,
THAT WILL ALL BE FINE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE WORLD ENDS, THE LAST WORDS
MAN UTTERS ARE SOMEWHERE IN A
LAB, A GUY GOES, HUH HUH, IT
WORKED!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JOHN STEWART, WHAT
AN EXTRAORDINARY DELIGHT TO SEE
YOU.
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS
HUMAN CONTACT -- NOW, YOU KNOW I
DON'T CARE FOR IT.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
>> BUT TONIGHT, YOU AND DAVE
CHAPPELLE, I BELIEVE, SUSTAINED
ME DURING THIS PERIOD, AND MY
FAMILY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY FAMILY AND MY SON IS HERE
WITH ME.
MY DAUGHTER IS HOME BECAUSE SHE
JUST GOT HER FIFTH VACCINE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WE ARE SO CAREFUL.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, I
JUST WANT TO LEAVE EVERYBODY
WITH ONE THING.
>> WHAT'S THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS, I HAVE
BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE 17-YEAR
CICADAS.
DO YOU HAVE THEM WHERE YOU ARE?
>> I JUST ASSUMED THAT WAS SMOG
WITH GOD, THE PLAGUE, THE
PANDEMIC AND THE I CICADAS.
>> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT YOU 17 YEARS AGO
AND HAVING YOU ON.
I HAD OUR PRODUCERS PULL A SHOT
OF YOU AND ME 17 YEARS AGO.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME THE
CICADAS WERE HERE, WE LOOKED
LIKE THIS.
( APPLAUSE )
>> WAIT, IF I MAY, AND I JUST
WANT TO SAY THIS VERY QUICKLY,
TIME APPEARS TO HAVE RAVAGED ONE
OF US UNEQUALLY.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE IS A SAYING -- AND I SAY
THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT --
>> Stephen: YES.
THERE'S A SAYING BLACK DON'T
CRACK, IMPLYING BLACK PEOPLE AGE
VERY GRACEFULLY.
JEWS AGE LIKE AVOCADO.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
EXPOSE A JEW TO AIR.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU OXIDIZE HIM.
RIGHT.
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
BUT YOU TAKE A KNIFE, SCRAPE IT
OFF, AND I'M FINE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL.
>> I LOVE YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LOVE YOU!
>> Stephen: PLEASE!
JOHN STEWART, EVERYBODY!
BACK WITH A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE
BY JON BATISTE!
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. AND NOW, PERFORMING "FREEDOM" FROM HIS LATEST ALBUM, "WE ARE,"
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON
BATISTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WHEN I MOVE MY BODY
JUST LIKE THIS
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY
BUT I FEEL LIKE
♪ FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
I HEAR A SONG THAT TAKES ME BACK
♪ AND I LET GO WITH SO MUCH
FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
♪ FREE TO LIVE
(HOW I WANNA LIVE)
♪ I'M GON GET
(WHAT I'M GONNA GET)
♪ 'CAUSE IT'S MY
FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
♪ ♪ ♪
I LOVE HOW YOU TALK
♪ YOU SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE
THE WAY THAT YOU WALK
♪ YOU CAN'T CONTAIN IT
IS IT THE SHOES
♪ JUMPED UP, KANGAROO
WE'RE OVERDUE
♪ FOR A LITTLE MORE PRANCING
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ NOW IT'S YOUR TIME
(IT'S YOUR RIGHT)
♪ YOU CAN SHINE
(IT'S ALRIGHT)
♪ IF YOU DO
I'MA DO TOO
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WHEN I MOVE MY BODY
JUST LIKE THIS
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY
BUT I FEEL LIKE
♪ FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
I HEAR A SONG THAT TAKES ME BACK
♪ AND I LET GO
WITH SO MUCH
♪ FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
FREE TO LIVE
♪ (HOW I WANNA LIVE)
I'M GON GET
(WHAT I'M GONNA GET)
♪ 'CAUSE IT'S MY FREEDOM
(FREEDOM)
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THE REASON WE GET DOWN,
IS TO GET BACK UP
♪ IF SOMEONE'S AROUND,
GO ON LET THEM LOOK
♪ YOU CAN'T STAND STILL
THIS AIN'T NO DRILL
♪ MORE THAN CHEAP THRILLS,
(FEELS LIKE MONEY MONEY MONEY)
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ NOW IT'S YOUR TIME
(IT'S YOUR RIGHT)
♪ YOU CAN SHINE
(IT'S ALRIGHT)
♪ IF YOU DO
I'MA DO TOO
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHEN I LOOK UP TO THE
STARS (STARS)
♪ I KNOW EXACTLY WHO WE ARE
(OOH)
♪ 'CAUSE THEN I SEE YOU SHININ'
YOU SHININ'
♪ YOU SHININ' OH!
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ FREE TO BE!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (LET ME SEE YOU WOBBLE) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ (LET ME SEE YOU WOBBLE)
(LET ME SEE YOU WOBBLE)
(LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE)
♪ (CAN YOU MAKE IT BREAK?)
♪ (LET ME SEE YOU WOBBLE)
♪ WHEN I MOVE MY BODY
JUST LIKE THIS
♪ FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
I HEAR A SONG THAT TAKES ME BACK
♪ AND I LET GO WITH SO MUCH
FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
♪ ♪ ♪
FREEDOM (FREEDOM)
♪ ♪ ♪
♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR A "LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE DR SANJAY GUPTA AND RITA
MORENO.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, GOODNIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org