Captioning sponsored by CBS >> HYGIENE HABITS LIKE WEARING FACE MASKS, SOCIAL DISTANCING
AND CONSTANT SANITIZING WAS NOT
ONLY HELPING KEEP US SAFE FROM
COVID-19 BUT EXPERTS SAY IT
PLAYED A PART IN DECREASING
CASES OF THE COMMON COLD.
NOW THAT WE'RE EXPERIENCING MORE
CROWDS AND ARE LESS CONSISTENTLY
WEARING MASKS, THE COMMON COLD
IS BACK.
♪ WHOA, STARTING LAST YEAR IN
THE SPRING
♪ I CAUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND
CHEATING
♪ SHE LEFT ME TO START A FLING
♪ WITH THAT GUY COVID-19
♪ NOW SHE'S GOT THAT NEW VACCINE
♪ AND SHE'S BACK OUT ON THE
SCENE
♪ WITH NO MASK TO STAND BETWEEN
♪ MAYBE WE CAN RECONVENE
♪ I'LL MAKE HER SNEEZE
♪ JUST LIKE HOW HER AND I USED
TO BE
♪ I'LL MAKE HER WHEEZE
♪ GETTING BACK TOGETHER, HER AND
ME
♪ SHE'LL BE FATIGUED
♪ WE WILL STAY IN BED ALL DAY
AND NIGHT
♪ I'M HER DISEASE
♪ CALL IN SICK AND WATCH THE
PRICE IS RIGHT
♪ RETURN OF THE COLD
♪ I'VE RETURNED
♪ RETURN OF THE COLD
♪ I'M HER GERM
♪ RETURN OF THE COLD
♪ GET HER BACK
♪ GOTTA GET HER IN THE SACK
♪ LET'S BLOW ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
SAMANTHA POWER
MAROON 5
SETH ROGEN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT IS THE VERY LAST "LATE
SHOW" IN QUARANTINE.
ON MONDAY, I'LL BE BACK
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
IT WILL BE MY FIRST TIME IN
FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE IN
460 DAYS.
GOSH, I HOPE I STILL REMEMBER
HOW TO FEEL VALIDATED BY A
CHEERING CROWD.
POINT IS, YOU MADE IT, AMERICA.
AFTER 15 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE,
LIKE CICADAS, WE'RE ALL
RE-EMERGING INTO THE SUN, AND
WILL SPEND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS
MAKING WEIRD NOISES AND HAVING
SEX 'TIL WE DIE.
I'M BEING FACT-CHECKED ON SOME
OF THAT.
BY MY PRODUCER AND WIFE RIGHT
OVER THERE.
NOW, LEAVING THIS STORAGE ROOM
IS A LITTLE BITTERSWEET.
SWEET BECAUSE I GET TO LEAVE.
BITTER, BECAUSE AFTER TEN MONTHS
OF PURELLING, EVERYTHING TASTES
LIKE A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'LL MISS
ABOUT THIS STUDIO.
LIKE YOU, SILENCE.
GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO
ME BEFORE I GO?
WELL, I HATE YOU, TOO.
PEOPLE ARE ALSO TRAVELING AGAIN.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE SENIOR TOURIST
IS SEEING THE SIGHTS OF EUROPE.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
JOE BIDEN.
HE WAS IN THE U.K. TODAY,
MEETING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER
AND REAL BOY WHO WISHED TO BE A
SCARECROW, BORIS JOHNSON.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD,
CONSIDERING THAT, DURING THE
ELECTION, BIDEN CALLED JOHNSON A
"PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CLONE"
OF OUR LAST PRESIDENT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HE'S REALLY MORE OF A VESTIGIAL
TWIN.
BUT THE LEADERS GOT PAST IT AND
ANNOUNCED WHAT IS BEING BILLED
AS A RENEWAL OF THE ATLANTIC
CHARTER.
AWW, THEY'RE RENEWING THEIR
VOWS!
IT'S GOING TO BE A SMALL
CEREMONY ON THE BEACHES OF
NORMANDY, ONLY OUR CLOSEST
ALLIES, PLEASE R.S.V.P. SOON,
AND LET US KNOW WHETHER YOU WANT
CHICKEN, FISH, OR THE LINGERING
RAVAGES OF COLONIALISM.
THE ORIGINAL ATLANTIC CHARTER
WAS A DECLARATION OF POSTWAR
COOPERATION THAT WAS SIGNED BY
CHURCHILL AND F.D.R., AND THE
NEW VERSION STATES THAT THE
DEMOCRATIC MODEL IS "THE RIGHT
AND THE JUST AND THE BEST" ONE
FOR CONFRONTING THE WORLD'S
CHALLENGES.
YES, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
YOU NEED TO REMIND YOURSELF OF
THE THINGS THAT SEEM OBVIOUS:
DEMOCRACY IS GOOD, PIZZA IS
TASTY, AND "UPTOWN FUNK'S" GOING
TO GIVE IT YOU.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
THE TWO LEADERS GOT ALONG
FAMOUSLY, AND POINTED OUT
SOMETHING THEY HAVE IN COMMON:
>> I TOLD THE PRIME MINISTER WE
HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.
WE BOTH MARRIED WAY ABOVE OUR
STATION.
>> I AM NOT GOING-- I'M NOT
GOING TO DISSENT FROM THAT ONE.
OR INDEED ON ANYTHING ELSE.
I THINK IT HIGHLY LIKELY.
>> Stephen: (AS BORIS JOHNSON)
"I'M NOT GOING TO DISSENT FROM
THAT ONE.
MY WIFE, AND WOMEN IN GENERAL,
FIND ME REPULSIVE.
FEEL FREE TO INSULT ME MORE.
CALL ME A CHUNKY MONKEY.
SAY I LOOK LIKE PIERS MORGAN'S
CORPSE THAT WAS FISHED OUT OF
THE THAMES.
I NEED THIS TRADE DEAL!
NO ONE IN THE E.U. WILL TALK TO
ME, AND I JUST FOUND OUT
BRITAIN'S AN ISLAND.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?"
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, BORIS?
BIDEN'S BETTER HALF, DR. JILL
BIDEN, DID ACCOMPANY HIM TO
EUROPE.
LAST NIGHT, THE FIRST LADY
ADDRESSED THE TROOPS AND THEIR
FAMILIES STATIONED AT A BRITISH
AIR BASE, AND MADE IT CLEAR
WHO'S THE BOSS.
>> JOE AND I ARE ALWAYS EXCITED
TO VISIT WITH OUR TROOPS AND
THEIR FAMILIES.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO STAND
THROUGH--
[LAUGHTER]
JOE, PAY ATTENTION.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, SO SHE IS A TEACHER.
THAT IS SO NICE.
IT'S REFRESHING THAT THE
FIRST COUPLE COMMUNICATES
WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN A
HAND-SWAT.
THEN, IT WAS JOE'S TURN TO
ADDRESS THE TROOPS, AND HE
PREVIEWED HIS ITINERARY:
>> THIS IS MY FIRST OVERSEAS
TRIP AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
I AM HEADED TO THE G-7, AND THEN
TO THE NATO MINISTRIAL, AND THEN
TO MEET WITH MR. PUTIN, TO LET
HIM KNOW WHAT I WANT HIM KNOW.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LOOK AT
THAT?
TURNS OUT, THE TROOPS ENJOY
HAVING A COMMANDER IN CHIEF
WHO'S FIGHTING ON THEIR SIDE.
THE PRESIDENT SAID THE STAKES
COULD NOT BE HIGHER:
>> HERE'S WHY THIS ALL MATTERS
SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
I BELIEVE WE'RE IN AN INFLECTION
POINT IN WORLD HISTORY.
WE HAVE TO DISCREDIT THOSE WHO
BELIEVE THE AGE OF DEMOCRACY IS
OVER.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
SO STOP TRYING TO NEGOTIATE WITH
THEM ON AN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL!
WHILE IN THE U.K., PRESIDENT
BIDEN MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> TODAY WE ARE TAKING A MAJOR
STEP THAT WILL SUPERCHARGE THE
GLOBAL FIGHT AGAINST THIS
PANDEMIC.
THE UNITED STATES WILL PURCHASE
A HALF A BILLION DOSES OF
PFIZER'S COVID-19 VACCINE TO
DONATE TO NEARLY 100 NATIONS
THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED IN THE
FIGHT AGAINST THIS PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: BIDEN JUST PROVED
HE'S IRISH.
HE'S ON VACATION, FEELIN' GOOD,
BUYING EVERYBODY A ROUND OF
SHOTS!
SINCE THEY'RE BUYING IN BULK,
THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY FOR THE
DOSES AT A "NOT FOR PROFIT"
PRICE.
WHICH MEANS EVERY DOSE COMES
WITH A FREE "THIS AMERICAN SAVED
YOUR LIFE" TOTE BAG.
THE REST OF THE WORLD REALLY
NEEDS THAT VACCINE.
ESPECIALLY JAPAN.
WE ARE JUST OVER A MONTH AWAY
FROM THE TOKYO SUMMER OLYMPICS
AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE A
THE POLE VAULT.
I'M TELLING YOU, ARMAND
DUPLANTIS FROM SWEDEN IS GOING
TO TAKE IT ALL!
GO MONDO!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BUT THERE'S A SHADOW OVER THE
GAMES, BECAUSE TOKYO IS
CURRENTLY UNDER A STATE OF
EMERGENCY AS A RESULT OF
INCREASED COVID CASES.
AND IT'S TOUGH TO KEEP
TRANSMISSION DOWN DURING THE
OLYMPICS, UNLESS THEY INTRODUCE
SOCIALLY-DISTANCED ROWING.
TO KEEP THE ATHLETES HEALTHY,
THE TOKYO ORGANIZING COMMITTEE
IS CONSIDERING SOME NEW RULES,
INCLUDING A BAN ON ALCOHOL IN
THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE.
NO ALCOHOL?
WHAT ARE THE OLYMPIANS EVEN
GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOBER?
(AS ATHLETE)
"SO...
UH...
WHAT DO YOU DO?
THROW A HEAVY BALL?
THAT'S COOL.
I RUN REAL FAST WITH A STICK.
MORE SNAPPLE?"
BUT OFFICIALS UNDERSTAND THERE
MIGHT BE LIMITATIONS TO THE BAN,
SAYING, "IN THE CASE THAT THEY
WERE TO DRINK INSIDE THEIR OWN
ROOMS, CAN WE PROHIBIT THAT?
THAT'S NOT CONCEIVABLE.
IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFICULT TO DO
SO."
SO, DON'T WORRY.
THE OLYMPIC R.A. IS COOL.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO PARTY IN YOUR
ROOM, JUST ROLL UP A GYMNAST AND
WEDGE HIM UNDER THE DOOR.
SPEAKING OF EPIC QUADRENNIAL
CONFLICTS, THE NEW YORK MAYORAL
PRIMARY IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS
AWAY, AND THERE'S A NEW
CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING THE
FRONTRUNNER, BROOKLYN BOROUGH
PRESIDENT AND CARDBOARD CUTOUT
BLOCKING TRAFFIC, ERIC ADAMS.
ADAMS IS FACING ALLEGATIONS THAT
HE MAY POSSIBLY LIVE IN NEW
JERSEY.
WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
GIULIANI WAS MAYOR OF NEW YORK,
AND HE'S A FULL-TIME RESIDENT OF
CRAZYTOWN.
ADAMS CLAIMS THAT HIS PRIMARY
RESIDENCE IS IN THE
BEDFORD-STUYVESANT SECTION OF
BROOKLYN,
BUT HE ALSO CO-OWNS A CO-OP IN
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY.
HE'S DOUBLE-DIPPING!
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN
YOU DIP INTO NEW JERSEY OR
YOU'LL EMERGE SOAKED IN GAS
STATION COLOGNE.
SO, HE MIGHT LIVE IN BED-STUY,
OR HE MIGHT LIVE IN NEW JERSEY.
OR NEITHER.
BECAUSE, TO MAKE MATTERS
WEIRDER, ADAMS ALSO MOVED INTO
BROOKLYN BOROUGH HALL FOR A TIME
AFTER THE PANDEMIC HIT.
YES, WHILE THE REST OF US WERE
WORKING FROM HOME, ERIC ADAMS
WAS HOMING FROM WORK.
NOW TO CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION,
ADAMS INVITED REPORTERS FOR A
TOUR OF HIS BED-STUY APARTMENT,
POINTING OUT THE "SMALL, MODEST
KITCHEN" AND "SMALL, MODEST
BATHROOM."
OKAY, BUSTED.
HE HAS A SMALL, MODEST KITCHEN
AND A SEPARATE SMALL, MODEST
BATHROOM?
REAL NEW YORKERS KNOW YOUR
KITCHEN IS ALSO YOUR BATHROOM IS
ALSO YOUR OFFICE IS ALSO YOUR
ROOMMATE'S CRY SPACE.
THE TOUR ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE
FOR ADAMS, BECAUSE IT LED MANY
TO SPECULATE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY
HIS SON WHO LIVES THERE.
FOR EXAMPLE, ADAMS IS A VEGAN,
BUT THE TOWNHOUSE FRIDGE LOOKED
LIKE THIS--
SALMON, GROUND MEAT, AND AN
EMPTY BRITA?
THAT IS NOT THE FRIDGE OF A
VEGAN!
IT'S ALSO NOT THE FRIDGE OF A
GROWN MAN.
LADIES, IF HE BRINGS YOU OVER
AND YOU SEE THIS, HE'S EITHER
ABOUT TO MURDER YOU OR MAKE YOU
WATCH HIM PLAY VIDEO GAMES.
EITHER WAY, GET OUT OF THERE!
HERE'S WHERE THE WEIRDNESS GETS
EVEN STRANGER.
A FEW YEARS AGO, ADAMS POSTED
THIS PHOTO OF HIS BED-STUY
FRIDGE, WHICH LOOKS VERY
DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE REPORTERS
SAW YESTERDAY.
THE FRIDGE ON THE RIGHT LOOKS
LIKE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE
FRIDGE ON THE LEFT LOSES
EVERYTHING AT THE HORSE TRACK.
AND THE WEIRD STRANGENESS GOT
EVEN ODDER WHEN HE BROUGHT
REPORTERS INTO HIS BEDROOM,
BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE QUICK TO
POINT OUT THAT THE SHOES IN
ADAMS' SUPPOSED BEDROOM LOOK
LIKE THEY BELONG TO HIS SON.
REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
HEMINGWAY STORY: "FOR SALE.
BABY SHOES.
NEVER WORN.
ACTUALLY, WORN ONCE BY ERIC
ADAMS, TO PROVE HE DOESN'T LIVE
IN NEW JERSEY."
WAIT, JIMMY, CAN WE GO BACK TO
THAT PHOTO OF ADAMS' SON?
ZOOM IN.
FLIP IT!
HE'S WEARING A "LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT" T-SHIRT!
WAIT A SECOND!
THAT'S OUR BELOVED FORMER INTERN
JORDAN COLEMAN!
I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID!
ERIC ADAMS DEFINITELY LIVES IN
NEW YORK!
BECAUSE IT IS FAMOUSLY A
REQUIREMENT THAT THE DADS OF ALL
"LATE SHOW" INTERNS MUST RESIDE
WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS.
RIGHT, INTERNS?
WHERE DO YOUR DADS LIVE?
(CROSSTALK)
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT!
NEW YORK CITY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING WITH U.S.A.I.D.
ADMINISTRATOR SAMANTHA POWER,
AND SETH ROGEN WILL BE TAKING
THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE VERY
LAST QUARANTINE-WHILE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" SPONSORED BY LIBERTY
MUTUAL INS
♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN.
I'M NOT SURE I'M PHYSICALLY
PREPARED FOR IT.
I MIGHT HAVE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN
SOME OF KIND.
THEY'RE SO INCANDESCENT.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME GUIDING THE DAY'S MOST
TOPICAL NEWS PATIENTS TO THE
CURRENT EVENTS COUCH, LISTENING
AS THEY UNSPOOL THEIR ISSUES TO
ME, CREFULLY BUILDING UP TRUST
AS WE EXPLORE THEIR DATA POINTS
IN THE DELICATE BUT HEALTHY
PSYCHOLOGIST-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I WAKE UP IN THE FEDEX-KINKOS
AFTER AN ALL-NIGHT BENDER
SNIFFING THE EXPO MARKERS IN THE
WHITEBOARD AISLE, I USE THE
MANAGER'S STOLEN COPIER CODE TO
CREATE A FAKE DIPLOMA, AND BRIBE
A SANITATION WORKER TO HELP ME
HAUL A BEDBUG-RIDDEN SIDEWALK
COUCH INTO AN ABANDONED OFFICE,
WHERE I INVITE PEOPLE TO JABBER
ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS WHILE I
THINK ABOUT MY SCREENPLAY, UNTIL
THEY ASK ME A DIRECT QUESTION,
WHICH I ANSWER USING A MAGIC
EIGHT BALL IN THE UNLICENSED,
AD HOC MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "QUARANTINEWHILE!"
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
AT THE CRACK OF 5:00 A.M. THIS
MORNING, FOLKS IN THE NORTHERN
HEMISPHERE WERE TREATED TO
THIS EPIC SHOW, COURTESY OF THE
SUN AND THE MOON IN A CELESTIAL
PAS DE DEUX.
UNBELIEVABLE.
A BEAUTIFUL AND HUMBLING
REMINDER OF HOW SMALL WE ARE...
AND STILL NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME
WAKE UP AT 5:00 A.M.
BUT THIS GUY IN NEW JERSEY DID:
>> OHH, THAT IS FRIGGIN'
AMAZING!
>> Stephen: SO FRIGGIN' TRUE.
IT WAS WHAT ASTRONOMERS REFER TO
AS A "'RING OF FIRE' SOLAR
ECLIPSE."
SO-CALLED, PRESUMABLY, BECAUSE
THE SUN ATE TACO BELL.
FRIEND OF THE SHOW NEIL DEGRASSE
TYSON WENT ON CNN TO WAX POETIC:
>> ALL OF THIS IS KIND OF A
COSMIC BALLET CHOREOGRAPHED BY
THE FORCES OF GRAVITY.
I THINK THE ECLIPSE IS ONE OF
THE THINGS THAT CELEBRATE HUMAN
CURIOSITY AND WHAT IT TOOK TO
FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WHEN
YOU LOOK UP.
>> Stephen: OKAY SURE, NEIL.
OR, TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY:
>> OHH, THAT IS FRIGGIN'
AMAZING!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
ACCORDING TO A STORY PUBLISHED
BY THE A.P. THIS MORNING,
"MILLIONS IN THE U.S. STRUGGLE
THROUGH LIFE WITH FEW TO TRUST."
WHAT THE HELL, A.P.?
A HEADLINE LIKE THAT SHOULD COME
WITH A WARNING!
GOT ANY OTHER GEMS FROM THE
SMILE FILE?
LIKE "YOU PROBABLY SEEM HAPPY,
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT
IT TOO MUCH," AND "WHY? BUT
LIKE, WHY, THOUGH?"
THEY'RE REPORTING ON A POLL THAT
FOUND "18% OF U.S. ADULTS, OR
ABOUT 46 MILLION PEOPLE, SAY
THEY HAVE JUST ONE PERSON, OR
NOBODY, THEY CAN TRUST FOR HELP
IN THEIR PERSONAL LIVES, SUCH AS
EMERGENCY CHILD CARE NEEDS, OR A
RIDE TO THE AIRPORT."
WELL, HOLD ON.
NO ONE HAS A FRIEND WHO WANTS TO
GIVE THEM A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT.
THE ONLY REASON YOU PICK SOMEONE
UP AT THE AIRPORT IS BECAUSE
THEY PICKED YOU UP ONCE.
IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE THAT'S BEEN
GOING ON SINCE WILBUR HAD TO
PICK UP ORVILLE AT KITTYHAWK.
(AS ORVILLE)
"DAMMIT, ORVILLE, NEXT TIME
WE'RE INVENTING UBER!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER
REVIEWING SATELLITE IMAGERY, WE
CAN CONFIRM: YES, THERE REALLY
IS A SOFTBALL FIELD AT AREA 51.
THAT'S ONE WAY TO KEEP ALIENS
AWAY FROM EARTH.
(AS ALIEN)
"LET US ENJOY HUMAN
ENTERTAINMENT.
SO, THE PUDGY MAN WILL TRY TO
HIT THE SPHERE WITH THE
BRANCH...
AND HE FAILED.
NOW A DIFFERENT MAN WILL
ATTEMPT...
MORE FAILURE.
HOW MUCH LONGER DOES THIS GO ON?
I WILL HAVE ONE OF YOUR MEAT
TUBES FILLED WITH GROUND-UP
ANIMAL LIPS AND PROBE HOLES."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN FASHION
NEWS, KANYE WEST JUST DROPPED
HIS FIRST YEEZY ITEM WITH THE
GAP.
IT'S A POWDER-BLUE PUFFER MADE
FROM RECYCLED NYLON CALLED "THE
ROUND COAT."
COME ON.
A WINTER COAT FROM YEEZY THAT
ISN'T CALLED THE "FREEZY?"
THAT'S A WASTED OPPORTUNITY.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE KANYE MAKE
THIS MISTAKE AGAIN, SO I'M
GETTING AHEAD WITH OTHER PITCHES
FOR YEEZY:
A FONDUE POT CALLED "CHEEZY,"
AN ASTHMA INHALER CALLED
"WHEEZY,"
AND THE CUSTOM URINAL CALLED
"EASY PEEZY."
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO SETH
ROGEN.
STICK AROUND.
♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, I INTRODUCED
A BRAND NEW SEGMENT CALLED THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONERT," A SERIES
OF QUESTIONS WE SPECIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO
MY GUEST'S PSYCHE.
THERE IS ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION,
HOWEVER, THAT WE COULDN'T FIT
INTO THE "QUESTIONERT," AND
THAT WAS: "WILL SETH ROGEN EVER
TAKE IT?"
WELL, THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE
MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.
JIM?
♪
HEY, EVERYBODY.
I'M HERE WITH MR. SETH ROGEN.
SETH, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
ONE OF THE NICE THINGS IS, UM,
ABOUT THIS JOB IS BEING ABLE TO
TALK TO WONDERFUL ARTISTS LIKE
SETH, NOT ONLY A COMEDIAN, A
PRODUCER A POTTER, A
PHILANTHROPIST AND AN
ENTREPRENEUR BUT THE PROBLEM IS
WE ONLY GET TO TALK IN 10-MINUTE
TO 12-MINUTE SEGMENTS.
IT'S HARD TO PENETRATE TO THE
SOUL OF THE PERSON IN THAT TIME.
THE PERSON IN THE "LATE SHOW"
LABS DID IS CAME UP WITH A
SERIES OF 13?
LET'S SAY 13 QUESTIONS.
WE'LL COUNT LATER.
13 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN, UM,
ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED TO
PENETRATE THE ARMOR OF OUR OWN
FEAR OF KNOWING EACH OTHER SO
THAT ONCE THEY GO IN AND EXPLODE
IN YOUR PSYCHE, YOU'RE OPENED UP
LIKE A BLOSSOM FOR THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE AND YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE FULLY
KNOWN AT THE END OF THIS 13
QUESTIONS?
>> Seth: I AM.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
LIQUID?
THIS COULD BE TIRING AND
DEHYDRATING.
DO YOU HAVE A LIQUID THERE?
>> Seth: I DON'T BUT I'M OK.
>> Stephen: OK, SETH ROGEN,
FIRST QUESTION NUMBER ONE ON THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
WHAT'S THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> Seth: IS A HAMBURGER A
SANDWICH?
>> Stephen: A HAMBURGER IS A
SANDWICH.
NO ONE EVER DOLLS A HAMBURGER
SANDWICH BUT IT IS A SANDWICH.
>> Seth: THEN A CHEESEBURGER
IS THE BETH SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: WHILE I'VE GOT YOU
HERE AND WHY WE'RE ON THE
SUBJECT, SETH, SIDE QUESTION, IS
A HOTDOG A SANDWICH?
>> Seth: NO.
>> Stephen: OK.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN YOU
SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> Seth: UM, OH MAN, UM, I
HAVE, UM, I'VE SO MUCH [BLEEP] I
SHOULD THROW OUT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO -- I
HAVE A GARAGE FULL OF EMPTY
BOXES THAT I JUST DON'T NEED BUT
I WON'T GET RID OF THEM FOR SOME
REASON SO I WOULD SAY MY BOXES.
>> Stephen: OK.
SETH ROGEN, WHAT'S THE SCARIEST
ANIMAL?
>> Seth: SCARIEST ANIMAL, THE
BEAR.
GRIZZLY BEAR, I THINK.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE RIGHT
ANSWER.
>> Seth: I KNOW A GUY THAT WAS
MAULED BY A GRIZZLY BEAR?
>> Stephen: NO!
IS HE OK?
>> Seth: HE IS OK BUT IT'S A
HARROWING TALE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO
MAKE LIGHT OF IT BUT DOES HE
HAVE SCARS AND STUFF LIKE THAT?
>> Seth: A LOT!
IT'S A CRAZY STORY.
IT'S INSANE.
HE WAS ALMOST EATEN BY IT.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID THIS
HAPPEN?
>> Seth: NORTHERN BRITISH
COLUMBIA.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU'RE
UP THERE.
YOU'RE LOUSY WITH BEARS UP
THERE.
I'M THINKING IN L.A. -- OK,
APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> Seth: APPLES.
>> Stephen: CORRECT ANSWER YOU
CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN
ORANGE.
>> Seth: THAT WOULD BE WEIRD.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> Seth: YEAH.
I THINK I HAVE.
PAM DARBER'S AUTOGRAPH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD.
>> Seth: I WAS AN EXTRA AS A
KID IN A MOVIE THAT SHE WAS IN
AND I GOT HER AUTOGRAPH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> Seth: OH MAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I HOPE WE -- SOMETHING WE DON'T
UNDERSTAND, UM, WOULD BE GREAT.
UM,.
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPING FOR.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
>> Seth: MY FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE?
UM, PROBABLY "TERMINATOR 2."
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> Seth: YEAH.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL?
>> Seth: UM, I LIKE THE SMELL
OF, UM, LIKE CINNAMON.
>> Stephen: OK.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
>> Seth: UM, MY LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL?
I DON'T LIKE THE SMELL OF
[BLEEP], YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
PUT IT OUT THERE, MAN.
I DON'T CARE --
>> Seth: IF YOU GOT [BLEEP],
DON'T DO IT BY MY NOSE.
>> Stephen: NO JUDGMENT HERE,
SETH.
>> Seth: IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL
ANSWER.
>> Stephen: EXERCISE?
EXERCISE, IS IT WORTH IT?
>> Seth: FOR SURE, YES.
YOU HAVE TO EXERCISE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO IT
TODAY?
>> Seth: I DID NOT EXERCISE
TODAY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AWAKE
SINCE 5:00 IN THE MORNING.
>> Stephen: OH WOW.
THIS IS A SIDE QUESTION, IS THAT
A BATHROBE YOU'RE WEARING?
>> Seth: NO, IT'S A CARDIGAN
BUT I CAN SEE WHY YOU WOULD
THINK THAT.
FROM THE SHOULDERS UP, A
CARDIGAN IS A BATHROBE, YEAH.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> Seth: SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: YEAH!
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> Seth: UM, I MEAN, UM, I
LISTEN -- PROBABLY THE MUSIC,
YOU KNOW, UM, THE MUSIC APP
ITUNES.
iTUNES IS PROBABLY MY
FAVORITE.
>> Stephen: DO WE CONSIDER
THAT AN APP?
NO.
THAT IS A FEATURE.
>> Seth: THAT'S A FEATURE.
>> Seth: NOT AN APP --
>> Stephen: NOT AN APP.
>> Seth: PROBABLY INSTAGRAM OR
TWITTER.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG
TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> Seth: WOW, UM, I THINK IT
IS STEVE BILLCO BY A TRIBE
CALLED QUEST.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THAT ONE.
>> Seth: IT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU NEVER GET SICK OF IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
>> Seth: 47.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> Seth: OK.
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> Seth: UM, I HOPE IT'S GOOD,
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: VERY ECONOMICAL.
YOU HAD ONE LEFT OVER.
YOU COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
I HOPE IT'S GOOD... FALLAFEL.
I HOPE IT'S GOOD... PULL TAB.
>> Seth: I SHOULD HAVE KEPT
THAT ONE FOR LATER IN CASE
SOMETHING CAME UP.
>> Stephen: SETH ROGEN,
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> Seth: I FEEL KNOWN.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: SETH ROGEN,
EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: THANKS AGAIN TO
SETH ROGEN FOR TAKING THE
"QUESTIONERT"-- AND FOR SENDING
ME FOR WHAT LEGAL REASONS I WILL
NOT CALL A BONG.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
U.S.A.I.D. ADMINISTRATOR
SAMANTHA POWER.
♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. JOINING ME NOW IS THE PULITZER
PRIZE-WINNING AUTHOR WHO SERVED
AS U.N. AMBASSADOR FOR FOUR
YEARS, AND NOW WORKS AS THE
ADMINISTRATOR OF UNITED STATES
AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL
DEVELOPMENT.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
ADMINISTRATOR SAMANTHA POWER!
HELLO, SAMANTHA POWER?
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU,
TOO.
I CALLED YOU ADMINISTRATOR BUT
YOU GET TO BE CALLED AMBASSADOR,
TOO.
ONCE AN AMBASSADOR, ALWAYS AN
AMBASSADOR, RIGHT?
>> THESE ARE HIGH-CLASS
PROBLEMS.
EXCITING.
>> Stephen: WHICH DO YOU LIKE
MORE?
AMBASSADOR OR ADMINISTRATOR?
THERE'S A RIGHT ANSWER,
OBVIOUSLY.
>> I LIKE ADMINISTRATOR.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: CONGRATS ON THE
NEW GIG AT U.S.A.I.D.
FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MAY
NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH THE UNITED
STATES AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL
DEVELOPMENT, WHAT'S IT DO?
WHAT'S THE JOB?
>> YEAH, IT'S -- AT HOME HERE IN
AMERICA, ONE OF OUR BETTER-KEPT
SECRETS, THIS IS AN AGENCY THAT
THE TAXPAYERS FUND.
WE HAVE MISSIONS IN 80 COUNTRIE
COUNTRIES, OFFICES WITH PEOPLE
AND STAFF, ABOUT 10,000 PEOPLE
AROUND THE WORLD, AND PROGRAMS
IN ABOUT 100 COUNTRIES, AND WE
DO EVERYTHING FROM SUPPORT THE
EDUCATION OF GIRLS TO
VACCINATING YOUNG PEOPLE AND
PREVENTING OUTBREAKS OF DISEASE.
WE FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE BOTH BY
HELPING COUNTRIES LOWER THEIR
EMISSIONS WHICH IS SO CRITICAL,
BUT ALSO IN HELPING POORER
COUNTRIES ADAPT, BECAUSE WE KNOW
THAT EXTREME WEATHER EVENTS ARE
GOING TO BE WITH US INTO THE
FUTURE AND THEY'RE TAKING A
TERRIBLE TOLL ON PEOPLE.
WHEN AN EMERGENCY STRIKES LIKE
AN EARTHQUAKE OR RECENTLY A
VOLCANO, WE PROVIDE SUPPORT TO
PEOPLE WHO ARE ON THE GROUND
RESPONDING.
OFTEN, IT'S OUR PLANES THAT ARE
LANDING FIRST BRINGING
HUMANITARIAN RELIEF WHILE OTHERS
ARE WAITING TO SEE HOW THINGS
UNFOLD.
>> Stephen: SO IT'S A REALLY
IMPORTANT AGENCY.
IS IT UNDERNEATH ANYTHING ELSE
OR IS ITS OWN ENTITY?
>> IT'S AN INDEPENDENT AGENCY AT
THE DISPOSAL OF THE PRESIDENT
BUT WE'RE OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS
WORKING WITH THE SECRETARY OF
STATE AND THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
AND OTHERS TO MAKE SURE THAT
WE'RE IN LOCK STEP IN PURSUING
AMERICA'S FOREIGN POLICY GOALS.
>> Stephen: IS THIS A BIG PART
OF WHAT IS SOMETIMES CALLED
AMERICA'S SOFT POWER?
>> I THINK IT IS THE SOFT POWER
ARSENAL.
WHEN PEOPLE ABROAD HEAR U.S.A.,
THEY THINK, OH YEAH, THEY FUNDED
THAT PROGRAM THAT HELPED MY
DAUGHTER GET ACCESS TO SCHOOL
BOOKS OR THEY HELPED PROVIDE
THAT SOLAR SYSTEM THAT HELPED
BRING ENERGY TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE
ELECTRICITY.
OR THEY HELPED ME GET
ELECTRICITY, FOR THAT MATTER.
IT'S REALLY WELL-KNOWN THIS IS
THE GENEROSITY OF THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE PLAYING OUT AROUND THE
WORLD, AND IT IS A GREAT SOURCE
OF INFLUENCE FOR US, BECAUSE
PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY GRATEFUL.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU
MENTIONED VACCINES IN THE FIRST
PART OF YOUR ANSWER THERE, AND,
OF COURSE, TODAY, THE BIG NEWS
IS THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN
ANNOUNCED THAT THE U.S. WILL
DONATE 500 MILLION, HALF A
BILLION VACCINES GLOBALLY.
IS U.S.A.I.D. GOING TO BE
INVOLVED IN THAT IN ANY WAY?
>> ABSOLUTELY AND THIS IS MAJOR.
I THINK VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN
BACK IN THE OBAMA YEARS REFERRED
TO SOMETHING AS A B.F.D., THIS
IS A B.F.D.
IT IS -- 500 MILLION IS MORE
DOSES THAN HAVE BEEN
ADMINISTERED IN SOUTH AMERICA,
AFRICA AND EUROPEAN UNION
COMBINED.
THESE ARE DOSES THAT ARE GOING
TO GO TO COUNTRIES THAT HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD TO DO THESE
CONTRACTS WITH THE
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES AS WE
HAVE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO D
DO.
OUR FATE IS CONNECTED TO THE
FATE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE RECEIVING
THESE VACCINES.
IT'S IN ALL OF OUR INTERESTS TO
BRING THIS PANDEMIC TO A CLOSE
MUCH SOONER BECAUSE OF THE RISK
OF VARIANTS AND BECAUSE OF THE
ECONOMIC TOLL IT HAS TAKEN WHICH
OF COURSE HAS A KNOCK ON
NEGATIVE EFFECT ON OUR ECONOMY
AND OUR EMPLOYMENT RATE EVEN, SO
IT'S IN OUR INTEREST BUT IT'S SO
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
AND WHEN YOU'LL SEE IN THE
COMING DAYS IS US USING THIS
CONTRIBUTION BY THE UNITED
STATES TO GET OTHER COUNTRIES TO
DO MORE.
THAT IS AMERICAN CATALYTIC
LEADERSHIP AT ITS BEST.
WE MAKE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT LIKE
THIS, 500 MILLION DOSES, WHICH
ARE, AGAIN, JUST SO URGENTLY
NEEDED IN SO MANY PARTS OF THE
WORLD.
AFRICA, ONLY 2% OF AFRICANS HAVE
BEEN VACCINATED COMPARED TO MORE
THAN HALF OF OUR POPULATION HERE
IN THE UNITED STATES.
SO WE MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,
BUT THEN WE LEVERAGE IT TO GET
OUR PARTNERS TO CONTRIBUTE
FINANCIALLY OR THEMSELVES TO
DONATE SURPLUS DOSES VACCINES AS
WELL.
WE START TO GET THOSE NUMBERS UP
WAY BEYOND 500 MILLION VERY
SOON.
>> Stephen: ON MONDAY, VICE
PRESIDENT HARRIS WAS IN
GUATEMALA AND SHE SAID TO THE
GUATEMALANS DO NOT COME TO THE
U.S. TO SEEK ASYLUM BUT ALSO
PLEDGED TO HELP FIX THE LARGER
PROBLEMS IN THE REGION THAT TEND
TO DRAW -- DRIVE PEOPLE OUT OF
THEIR COUNTRY AND TOWARD OUR
BORDER.
IS THAT ALSO THE SORT OF THING
THAT U.S.A.I.D. IS INVOLVED IN?
>> WELL, I THINK ALL OF US IN
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION ARE
VERY COMMITTED TO ENSURING THAT
PEOPLE HAVE THEIR ASYLUM CLAIMS
HEARD, SO I DO WANT TO STRESS
THAT.
I KNOW VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS
WOULD SAY THAT.
BUT, YES, U.S.A. IS THE PRIMARY
IMPLEMENTER OF THE ROOT CAUSES
STRATEGY.
WHAT WOULD MAKE A MOM ENTRUST
THEIR CHILD TO A COYOTE?
IMAGINE THE LEVEL OF DESPERATION
THAT MOTHER IS EXPERIENCING.
OUR JOB IN U.S.A.I.D. AGAIN IN
PARTNERSHIP WITH COMMUNITIES AND
ACTORS ON THE GROUND IS TO TRY
TO ENSURE THAT NO MOTHER HAS TO
MAKE THAT CHOICE.
>> Stephen: IN THE PAST, HAS
THAT BEEN USEFUL, THOUGH?
BECAUSE A LOT OF CRITICISM OF
THINGS LIKE OVERSEAS AID, PEOPLE
SAY LIKE, WELL, WE'RE THROWING
GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD.
HAS THERE BEEN SUCCESS IN THE
PAST IN SLOWING DOWN THAT KIND
MIGRATION?
>> WELL, I WILL SAY IT DIDN'T
HELP IN THE LAST ADMINISTRATION,
ALL ASSISTANCE TO THE REGION WAS
CUT OFF, SO MANY OF OUR PROGRAMS
WHICH WERE STARTING TO SHOW
REDUCTIONS IN CRIME AND IN
HOMICIDES AND IN PARTICULAR
COMMUNITIES, THOSE PROGRAMS WERE
SUSPENDED, BUT I THINK, LOOK,
IT'S A VERY FAIR QUESTION.
ONE OF THE THINGS U.S.A.I.D. HAS
GOTTEN BETTER OVER TIME -- AND
I'M IMPRESSED COMING BACK INTO
THE GOVERNMENT TO SEE HOW
SOPHISTICATED IT IS -- IS DOING
THESE EVALUATIONS AND ACTUALLY
STUDYING THE DATA AND
ASCERTAINING WHAT WORKS.
SOMETIMES WHAT WORKS IS A
GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE PROGRAM TO
GIVE A WOMAN WHO SURVIVES SEXUAL
VIOLENCE THE CARE SHE NEEDS IN
HER OWN COMMUNITY SO SHE DOESN'T
HAVE TO FLEE IN ORDER TO TRY TO
FIND IT ELSEWHERE.
SOMETIMES IT'S ABOUT REACHING
AT-RISK YOUTH WHO MIGHT GO INTO
A GANG IF THEY DON'T HAVE A JOBS
PROGRAM TO TURN TO OR ANY
VOCATIONAL SKILLS.
THERE'S NO SILVER BULLETS FOR
SURE.
BUT PART OF WHAT WE NEED TO DO
AS WELL IS PROVIDE LAWFUL
PATHWAYS SO PEOPLE COULD
ACTUALLY APPLY FOR SEASONAL WORK
HERE IN THIS COUNTRY AND THEN BE
ABLE TO GO BACK HOME.
BECAUSE, AGAIN, ONE THING I CAN
SAY FROM ALL OF MY TRAVELS
AROUNDTHE WORLD IS IT'S VERY
RARE THAT YOU MEET SOMEBODY WHO
WANTS TO LEAVE HOME.
YOU KNOW, WHERE THAT IS THEIR
FIRST CHOICE.
MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, THEIR FIRST
CHOICE IS TO HAVE OPPORTUNITY
AND HOPE IN THEIR OWN COMMUNITY.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE
LAST TIME TO TALK ABOUT YOUR
BOOK "THE EDUCATION OF AN
IDEALIST" BUT I ALSO KNOW YOU'RE
IN SOME WAYS A PRAGMATIST.
YOU BELIEVE IN REACHING ACROSS
THE AISLE IF IT'LL ACHIEVE THE
GOALS YOU'RE TRYING TO ACHIEVE.
IS PRAGMATISM VALUED IN
WASHINGTON THESE DAYS FROM YOUR
EXPERIENCE?
>> LOOK, TAKE THE REACTION TO
THIS VACCINE ANNOUNCEMENT.
I THINK THE PANDEMIC HAS TAUGHT
SOME OF US A DEEP LESSON ABOUT
HOW CONNECTED WE ARE TO PEOPLE
ELSEWHERE.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SEEN FOR
EXAMPLE BEFORE THE PANDEMIC AS
IDEALISM TO GIVE AWAY
500 MILLION DOSES THAT THE
AMERICAN TAXPAYER HELPS PAY FOR.
I THINK NOW THERE'S A
RECOGNITION THAT IS PRAGMATISM,
RIGHT?
WITH THE RISK OF VARIANTS AND TO
THE COST OF OUR ECONOMY AND
OTHER ECONOMIES BEING SHUT DOWN
IN AN INTERCONNECTED WORLD,
IDEALISM -- WE'RE THE LINE
BETWEEN IDEALISM AND PRAGMATISM
LIES.
IT'S HARD TO DISCERN.
IT'S WITHIN OUR INTERESTS AND
THE KIND OF COMPASSION THAT ALL
OF US SEE PROUD WHEN WE SEE IT
EXTENDED INTERNATIONALLY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE.
SAM, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE.
>> Stephen: U.S.A.I.D.
ADMINISTRATOR SAMANTHA POWER,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY MAROON 5.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. THEIR NEW LBUM, "JORDI," IS OUT TOMORROW.
PERFORMING "LOST," MAROON 5.
♪ GOT NO CONNECTION
NO FAITH OR DIRECTION, NO
♪ SEARCHING AND SEARCHING
FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE MY SOUL
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ I WAS SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ THEN I HEARD YOU SAY MY NAME
YEAH-YEAH, YEAH-YEAH
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ I WAS SO BROKEN
MY HEART WAS AN EMPTY SPACE
♪ LIFE WAS A JOKE 'TIL
THE MOMENT I SAW YOUR FACE
♪ SAW YOUR FACE
SAW YOUR FACE
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ I WAS SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ THEN I HEARD YOU SAY MY NAME
YEAH-YEAH, YEAH-YEAH
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, AGAIN
AGAIN
OOH-OOH-OOH, AGAIN, YEAH
AGAIN
OOH-OOH-OOH, AGAIN
AGAIN
OOH-OOH-OOHH, AGAIN, YEAH
AGAIN
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ I WAS SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
SWEPT UP IN A WAVE
♪ OOH
OOH
♪ I WAS FADIN' WHEN YOU CAME
YEAH-YEAH, YEAH-YEAH, YEAH
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST, I WAS LOST
'TIL YOU LOVED ME
♪ NOW I'M FOUND, NOW I'M FOUND,
NOW I'M FOUND
♪ YEAH, YOU TOOK ME TO A PLACE
IT WAS SAFE, IT WAS SOUND
♪ LOST, I WAS LOST
NOW I'M FOUND ♪
>> Stephen: MAROON 5, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
SPECIAL FAREWELL TO ALL OF THIS.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S ALMOST IT FOR "A LATE SHOW." BUT BEFORE WE GO, I WANTED TO
SAY SOMETHING SINCERE AND FROM
THE HEART.
AND MY WRITERS TELL ME THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT THEY'VE WRITTEN.
WHEN WE LEFT THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER, ON MARCH 12 OF 2020, I
HAD NO IDEA HOW WE WERE GOING TO
DO THIS SHOW.
LUCKILY, MY STAFF DID.
THEY DIDN'T
BLINK AT THE EXTRAORDINARY
CHALLENGE OF PRODUCING A TV SHOW
REMOTELY.
IT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE.
I'D LIKE TO THANK MY FAMILY, WHO
FOR A LARGE PART OF LAST YEAR
WERE ALSO MY CREW.
I WANT TO THANK MY FAMILY WHO
FOR A LARGE PART OF MY LAST YEAR
WERE MY CREW.
I LOVE YOU AND NOT JUST BECAUSE
THIS YEAR I GET TO WRITE YOU OFF
AS DEPENDENTS AND BUSINESS
EXPENSES AND I WANT TO THANK
YOU, THE AUDIENCE AT HOME, FOR
BEING HERE, TOO.
IT WAS A STRANGE AND SCARY YEAR
BUT IF I HAD TO BE ALONE, I'M
GLAD IT WAS WITH YOU.
SO THAT'S IT!
MONDAY, WE FINALLY GO BACK TO
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WHICH
MEANS THIS IS THE SERIES FINALE
OF WHAT FOR THE PAST 15 MONTHS
I'VE BEEN CALLING "A LATE SHOW."
I'VE SO MANY MEMORIES FROM THIS
ROOM.
LOOKING IN THIS CAMERA.
LOOKING IN THAT ONE.
THE TIME I STOOD UP OVER THERE.
THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENE
HAPPENED.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME
TO AN END.
ALSO, THIS.
AND WHILE WE ACCEPT THAT WE HAD
TO SPEND THE LAST 15 MONTHS IN
QUARANTINE, I THINK IT'S CRAZY
TO LET THAT DEFINE WHO WE ARE.
AMERICANS LIKE TO SEE EACH OTHER
IN THE SIMPLEST TERMS, IN THE
MOST CONVENIENT DEFINITIONS.
BUT WE'VE LEARNED THAT EACH OF
US IS A BRAIN, AN ATHLETE, A
BASKET CASE, A PRINCESS, AND A
CRIMINAL...
SINCERELY YOURS, "A LATE SHOW."
("DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME")
♪
♪ WON'T YOU COME SEE ABOUT ME
♪ I'LL BE ALONE, DANCING YOU
KNOW IT BABY
♪ TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES AND
DOUBTS
♪ GIVE ME EVERYTHING INSIDE AND
OUT
♪ LOVE'S STRANGE SO WE LEARN
♪ THINK OF THE TENDER THINGS
THAT WE WERE WORKING ON
♪ SLOW CHANGE MAY PULL US APART
♪ ONE LACK ANY HEART
♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME
♪ DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T
♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME
♪ WILL YOU STAND ABOVE ME
♪ LOOK MY WAY, NEVER LOVE ME
♪ RAIN KEEPING FALLING, RAIN
KEEPS FALLING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
♪ WILL YOU RECOGNIZE ME
♪ CALL MY NAME OR WALK ON BY
♪ RAIN KEEPS FALLING, RAIN KEEPS
FALLING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
Captioning sponsored by CBS
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