Captioning sponsored by CBS
>> REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN ANDREW CLYDE TALKED ABOUT THE DEADLY VIOLENCE ON JANUARY 6.
>> THERE WAS NO INSURRECTION,
AND TO CALL IT AN INSURRECTION,
IN MY OPINION, IS A BOLD-FACED
LIE.
WATCHING THE TV FOOTAGE OF THOSE
WHO ENTERED THE CAPITOL AND
WALKED THROUGH STATUARY HALL
SHOWED PEOPLE IN ORDERLY FASHION
TAKING VIDEOS AND PICTURES.
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE TV
FOOTAGE WAS A VIDEO FROM JANUARY
6, YOU WOULD ACTUALLY THINK IT
WAS A NORMAL TOURIST VISIT.
>> ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FAMILY
VACATION STEEPED IN AMERICAN
HISTORY?
THEN BOOK A CONGRESSMAN CLYDE
CAPITOL TOUR TODAY.
YOU AND A MOB OF YOUR FRIENDS
CAN EXPLORE CAPITOL HILL.
SCALE THE SCENIC BARRICADES.
MEET A REAL CAPITOL POLICE
OFFICER-- IN THE FACE!
TEST YOUR SKILL IN THE LOG TOSS!
SEE OUR COSTUME CHARACTERS.
ENJOY OUR ROTUNDA FLOOR TOILETS,
AND DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE
GIFT SHOP.
PLUS, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE
CAPITOL.
ENJOY A COMPLIMENTARY STAY IN
OUR FIVE-BAR HOTEL.
CONGRESSMAN CLYDE'S CAPITOL
TOURS-- FUN FOR THE WHOLE
MILITIA!
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW"
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TODAY GETTING BACK TO NORMAL.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES SETH ROGEN
AND MUSICAL GUESTS JACK INGRAM,
MIRANDA LAMBERT AND JON RANDALL,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HOMIN'."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN
COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WELL, HILO,
EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
EVIE IS HERE.
SHE HAS THE CAKE BALLS.
( LAUGHTER )
THOSE ARE CALLED CAKE BALLS,
AREN'T THEY?
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ARE THOSE CALLED?
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THOSE?
THROW ME A CAKE BALL.
THROW ME A CAKE BALL, COME ON.
COME ON.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CAKE BALL.
( LAUGHTER )
MMM.
( SMACKING )
THAT'S NOT GOING TO SLOW DOWN
THIS MONOLOGUE AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER )
THESE ARE DELICIOUS.
FROM LITTLE DAISY?
>> LITTLE DAISY--
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
THE C.D.C. GAVE US A GIFT,
ALLOWED US TO STOP WEARING MASKS
INSIDE MOST PLACES.
OH! I LOVE "MOST PLACES."
IN FACT, THIS IS ONE OF THE
"MOST PLACES" I GO.
WE LEARNED THE GREAT NEWS THIS
AFTERNOON FROM THE C.D.C.'S
DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY:
>> TODAY, C.D.C. IS UPDATING OUR
GUIDANCE FOR FULLY VACCINATED
PEOPLE.
ANYONE WHO IS FULLY VACCINATED
CAN PARTICIPATE IN INDOOR AND
OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES, LARGE OR
SMALL WITHOUT WEARING A MASK OR
PHYSICAL DISTANCING.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD, I COULD
KISS YOU-- LITERALLY 'CAUSE
WE'RE BOTH VACCINATED.
I COULD EVEN KISS YOU INDOORS.
BUT I NEVER WOULD.
I NEVER WOULD.
> NO.
>> Stephen: I THINK, WITH THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT, YOU'RE GOING TO
SEE A LOT OF SMILING FACES.
DR. WALENSKY CONTINUED WITH HER
GOODNESS.
>> IF YOU ARE FULLY VACCINATED,
YOU CAN START DOING THE THINGS
YOU STOPPED DOING BECAUSE OF THE
PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: OH, HELL, YES, I'M
FINALLY GOING TO HATCH GODZILLA
VERSUS CONGRESS THE WAY IT WAS
MEANT TO BE SEEN-- ON A PLANE!
I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW,
AS YOU CAN TELL.
FINALLY AFTER 14 MONTHS OF
ISOLATION, I WILL BE ABLE TO DO
THE SHOW WITH YOU IN MY
AUDIENCE.
ARE WE BACK?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU 400 PEOPLE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHY AREN'T YOU 400
PEOPLE?
REMEMBER, ALL THIS GOOD STUFF IS
ONLY FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE.
THE C.D.C. IS MAKING A HUGE
DISTINCTION BETWEEN AMERICANS
WHO DID OR DID NOT GET THE SHOT.
THEY EVEN PUT OUT THIS ACTUAL
HANDY CHART.
ON THE LEFT, UNVACCINATED PEOPLE
WITH YELLOW AND RED SHADES BUT
ON THE RIGHT VACCINATED PEOPLE
ARE ALL GREEN FOR THE GO!
WE CAN DO EVERYTHING--
EVERYTHING MASKLESS FROM THE
VISIT A HAIR SALON TO VISIT A
MOVIE THEATER, EVEN PARTICIPATE
IN AN INDOOR HIGH-INTENSITY
EXERCISE CLASS WHICH IS AMAZING
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO
DO THAT BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, NOT EVERYBODY IS
COMFORTABLE TOSSING THEIR MASKS
ASIDE YET, AND THE EXPERTS WANT
THOSE PEOPLE TO GO AT THEIR OWN
PACE.
>> I HEARD YOU SAY TO GAYLE
KING, SHE SAID THAT PEOPLE WERE
LOOKING AT HER FUNNY FOR WEARING
A MASK, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S
VACCINATED.
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH
THAT?
SHOULD PEOPLE BE SIDE EYEING
THEM?
>> NO.
NOT AT ALL.
PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN
PERSONAL CHOICE.
>> AS A RULE WE ARE ANTI SIDE-
EYEING.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S THE RULE?
BUT EVEN WITH THESE NEW
FREEDOMS, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
STILL HESITANT TO GET A SHOT.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN TONIGHT'S, "THE VAX-SCENE."
( SINGING TO "BLOW THE MAN
DOWN" )
♪ THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC
HAS COME TO YOUR TOWN
♪ YAY HEY
VACCINATE NOW.
♪ THERE AIN'T NO MORE TV
GET OFFA YOUR COUCH.
♪ PLEASE TAKE SOME TIME
TO VACCINATE NOW ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU ME
SWABBIES.
TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET
VACCINATED, SOME GOVERNORS ARE
GETTING CREATIVE.
LIKE OHIO GOVERNOR AND STEPHEN
OLD-BERT, MIKE DEWINE.
DEWINE TOOK TO "THE TWITTERS"
YESTERDAY TO ANNOUNCE A DRAWING
FOR ADULTS WHO HAVE RECEIVED AT
LEAST THEIR FIRST DOSE OF THE
VACCINE.
THE WINNER WILL RECEIVE ONE
MILLION DOLLARS.
WOW!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD BUY
WITH $1 MILLION IN OHIO?
TOLEDO.
IT'S A BIT OF A FIXER-UPPER.
THE MONEY COMES FROM FEDERAL
COVID RELIEF FUNDS, BUT THE
DRAWING ITSELF WILL BE CONDUCTED
BY THE OHIO LOTTERY.
WHICH IS WHY IN OHIO,
VACCINATION CARDS ARE NOW ALSO
SCRATCHER.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
SYRINGE.
DAMN!
BLEACH.
( LAUGHS )
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, MAYOR
BILL DEBLASIO ANNOUNCED THAT
SHAKE SHACK IS OFFERING A FREE
BURGER AND FRIES TO VACCINATED
PEOPLE.
HE SHARED THE GOOD NEWS AT A
PRESS CONFERENCE THIS MORNING.
>> THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE SHAKE
SHACK TEAM.
THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HELP US
OUT AND DID YOU SAY FREE FRIES
WHEN YOU GET VACCINATED?
I GOT VACCINATED.
YOU'RE SAYING I COULD GET THIS--
THESE DELICIOUS FRIES ...WAIT A
MINUTE, BUT THERE'S ALSO A
BURGER ELEMENT TO THIS?
IF THIS IS APPEALING TO YOU,
JUST THINK OF THIS WHEN YOU
THINK OF VACCINATION.
MM-MMM!
VACCINATION!
MM-MMM!
>> Stephen: MM-MMM!
MM-MMM!
I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN I
CAN'T FALL ASLEEP TONIGHT, MM-
MMM!
MAYBE ON MY DEATH BED!
WHY DOES GRANDPA LOOK TO UPSET?
MM-MMM!
IF A MILLION DOLLARS CAN'T
CONVINCE YOU TO GET THE VACCINE,
PERHAPS YOU CAN BE SWAYED TO
CARE ABOUT YOUR PENIS.
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH COVID-
19 MAY INCREASE THE CHANCE OF
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
THIS STUDY WAS RELEASED IN THE
PRESTIGIOUS NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL
OF "NOW WILL YOU WEAR A MASK,
UNCLE GARY?"
WHY ARE WE LEARNING ABOUT THIS
ONLY NOW?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MILLIONS OF
LIVES COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF
THE C.D.C. HAD JUST PUT OUT THIS
P.S.A.?
♪ COVID WILL BREAK
YOUR DAW-AW-ONG ♪
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL HARMONIES.
THE FINDINGS LINKING BEDROOM
PERFORMANCE TO COVID WERE FIRST
REPORTED IN A PAPER TITLED, AND
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP: MASK UP
TO KEEP IT UP.
MASK UP TO KEEP IT UP REALLY
MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU SHOULD
USE YOUR MASK AS A HAMMOCK FOR
YOUR PENIS.
THOUGH THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE
FOR YOUR PENIS TO NAP.
THE WORST PART: THESE
PERFORMANCE ISSUES MAY NOT BE
TEMPORARY, BECAUSE THE RESEARCH
FOUND THAT COVID-19 CAN REMAIN
IN PENILE TISSUE LONG AFTER MALE
VICTIMS RECOVER FROM THE WORST
SYMPTOMS OF THEIR ILLNESS.
YES, IN THIS CASE, THE DOCTORS
REALLY MEAN IT WHEN THEY SAY,
"THE HARD PART IS OVER."
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THIS NEWS
MIGHT SWAY SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE A
STUDY OF ANTI-MASKERS FOUND THAT
ONE OF THE THINGS DRIVING THEIR
HESITANCY IS A FEAR OF
EMASCULATION.
( AS A DUDE-BRO )
"PFFFFT.
NAW, MAN.
I'M NOT WEARIN' ANY MASK.
NOT DYING IS FOR GIRLS."
FELLAS, I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING
IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR
JOHNSON, GET THE JOHNSON &
JOHNSON.
BECAUSE REMEMBER:
♪ COVID WILL BREAK
YOUR DAW-AW-ONG ♪
>> Stephen: IN NOT-SO-GOOD NEWS,
THE GAS SHORTAGE IN THE SOUTH
EAST CONTINUES.
PEOPLE ARE PANICKING.
LIKE A GEORGIA MAN WHO DRILLED
HOLES INTO THE GAS TANK OF A U-
HAUL TRUCK TO STEAL FUEL.
I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE AN
OLD MAN, BUT THE KIDS THESE DAYS
DON'T KNOW HOW TO SIPHON?
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR
SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME ON THE
TIK TOKS.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE ART OF COMMON
MISCHIEF.
NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME
THAT GEN-Z DOESN'T KNOW THE
PROPER PROTOCOLS FOR LEAVING A
FLAMING BAG OF POO ON THEIR
NEIGHBOR'S PORCH?
YOU HAVE TO RING THE DOORBELL
AND RUN.
YOU CAN'T JUST TEXT, HERE.
THE SHORTAGE WAS TRIGGERED BY
THE SHUTDOWN OF THE COLONIAL
PIPELINE AFTER HACKERS
PENETRATED THEIR COMPUTER
SYSTEM, BUT WE GOT SOME GOOD
NEWS YESTERDAY, BECAUSE THE
COMPANY HAS INITIATED THE
RESTART OF OPERATIONS.
INITIATED A RESTART?
THERE'S GAS STATIONS OUT OF GAS
ALL OVER THE SOUTHEAST.
YOU CAN'T BE MORE URGENT THAN
THAT?
I'M NO OIL PIPELINE EXPERT, BUT
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT LIKE
WHEN MY FRIENDS ARE AT THE
RESTAURANT WONDERING WHERE I AM,
WHICH IS STILL IN MY TOWEL,
GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER, AND I
TEXT THEM: I'M ALMOST THERE.
INITIATE AN ORDER OF MOZZARELLA
STICKS FOR THE TABLE.
MOTORISTS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
WAIT A WHILE BECAUSE GASOLINE
TRAVELS THROUGH THE PIPELINE AT
FIVE MILES PER HOUR.
BASICALLY, A BRISK WALK.
AT THIS RATE, IT WILL TAKE
APPROXIMATELY TWO WEEKS TO
TRAVEL FROM THE GULF COAST TO
NEW YORK.
IT COULD GET HERE FASTER, BUT
THE GAS INSISTED ON STOPPING TO
SEE COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG.
YESTERDAY, COLONIAL PIPELINE
ANNOUNCED THEY HAD NO INTENTION
TO PAY THE RANSOM.
TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT BY NEVER,
THEY MEANT SENDING NEARLY $5
MILLION TO EASTERN EUROPEAN
HACKERS IN UNTRACEABLE
CRYPTOCURRENCY WITHIN HOURS
AFTER THE ATTACK.
YES, THE UNITED STATES DOES NOT
NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.
THEY PAY THEM IMMEDIATELY.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY THE
PIPELINE'S RESTARTING, BECAUSE
AFTER THEY GOT THEIR CASH, THE
HACKERS PROVIDED A DECRYPTING
TOOL TO RESTORE THE DISABLED
NETWORK.
THE TOOL WAS SO SLOW THAT THE
COMPANY CONTINUED USING ITS OWN
BACKUPS TO RESTORE THE SYSTEM.
MAYBE DON'T TRUST THE PEOPLE WHO
SHUT DOWN YOUR PIPELINE TO
RESTART IT.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING YOUR CHILD
BACK FROM KIDNAPPERS AND THEN
ASKING THEM TO BABYSIT.
BUT A GAS SHORTAGE IS THE LAST
THING ON THE MINDS OF PEOPLE IN
HOUSTON, BECAUSE--
THERE'S A TIGER ON THE LOOSE!
HERE'S THE STORY:
ON MOTHER'S DAY, A MAN IN
HOUSTON ARRIVED HOME TO SPOT A
BENGAL TIGER ON HIS FRONT LAWN.
THIS IS WHY FEDEX WANTS YOU TO
BE THERE TO SIGN FOR YOUR
PACKAGES.
( LAUGHTER )
NATURALLY, PEOPLE WERE FREAKING
OUT.
THE COPS WERE CALLED, THEY TRIED
TO WRANGLE IT, BUT THEN
SUDDENLY, A NEIGHBOR EMERGED WHO
LED THE TIGER INTO A HOUSE AFTER
FIRST KISSING THE TIGER.
THAT'S NOT SAFE.
YOU DON'T KNOW IF THAT TIGER'S
BEEN VACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER )
WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT IN
HOUSTON OWNING A TIGER IS A
CLASS C MISDEMEANOR, PUNISHABLE
WITH A MAXIMUM $500 FINE.
THAT'S CHEAPER THAN A RENTING AN
S.U.V.
WHICH IS WHY WHEN I'M IN
HOUSTON, I DRIVE A TIGER.
THE MAN IN QUESTION, VICTOR HUGO
CUEVAS, CLEARLY KNEW IT WAS A
CRIME, BECAUSE SHORTLY AFTER
BRINGING IT INDOORS, HE LOADED
THE TIGER INTO A WHITE S.U.V.
AND DROVE OFF.
CLASSIC ROAD TRIP IT'S ALL IN
THE MOVIE: "THELMA AND-- OH,
GOD, THE TIGER ATE LOUISE!"
ON A LIGHTER NOTE, TURNS OUT
CUEVAS WAS ALSO A MURDER SUSPECT
OUT ON BOND.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN YOU OWN A
TIGER.
ON SUNDAY, CUEVAS GOT AWAY AFTER
A BRIEF PURSUIT, BUT POLICE
EVENTUALLY ARRESTED HIM.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS ALONE AT
THE TIME AND THE TIGER'S
WHEREABOUTS ARE NOT KNOWN.
>> Stephen: I HOPE THEY FIND
THAT TIGER SOON.
IT MUST BE HUNGRY.
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY, CUEVAS WAS RELEASED
ON BAIL, AND HIS LAWYER INSISTS,
THAT DESPITE WHAT POLICE SAY HIS
CLIENT IS NOT THE OWNER OF THE
TIGER.
HEY, I WAS JUST HOLDING THAT
TIGER FOR A FRIEND.
ALSO, KISSING IT FOR A FRIEND.
THE LAWYER ALSO CLAIMS THEY'RE
WORKING TO LOCATE THE ANIMAL BUT
WOULD NOT SAY WHERE HIS CLIENT,
WHO WAS LAST SEEN WITH THE
TIGER, DROVE IT SUNDAY NIGHT.
THAT'S SMART.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU INFORM ON A
TIGER, SNITCHES REALLY DO GET
STITCHES.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, FOLKS.
EVIE'S HERE AND MY GUEST IS SETH
ROGEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OH, HI. JUST DOING SOME CANDID
PHOTOGRAPHY.
WELCOME BACK.
Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
SOURCING THE FINEST AND FRESHEST
NEWS CHARD, THE MOST TOPICAL
WILD CAUGHT SALMON, AND ORGANIC
COMEDY GARNISHES, PORTIONING
THEM OUT PERFECTLY INTO SINGLE-
SERVE RECYCLABLE PACKAGES, AND
CAREFULLY NESTLING THEM INTO AN
ELEGANTLY-DESIGNED LAMINATED BOX
WITH A TRIAL-TESTED LOGO,
COMPLETE WITH PERFECT KERNING,
TO SHIP OFF THE GOURMET
BOURGEOIS MEAL KIT THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO FILL A
BOWL WITH SOME STALE LUCKY
CHARMS, THROW IN THE COLD,
SWEATY FRIES FROM LAST NIGHT'S
TAKE OUT BURGER, SHAKE THE
TRISCUIT DUST OUT OF THE BOX,
AND TOSS IN THE LOOSE FLAVOR
PACKET FROM AN INSTANT RAMEN TO
SERVE UP THE NUTRITIONALLY
DEFICIENT COLLEGE FRESHMAN
HANGOVER STEW OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:
QUARANTINE-WHILE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY, THE
ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME
ANNOUNCED ITS 2021 INDUCTION
CLASS, INCLUDING LEGENDS LIKE
CAROLE KING, TODD RUNDGREN, TINA
TURNER, AND FRIEND OF THE SHOW
L.L. COOL J.
L.L. COOL J, THAT'S GREAT.
L.L. HASN'T RELEASED AN ALBUM IN
A WHILE, SO THAT IS QUITE--
>> DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO SAY
ACHIEVEMENT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SOMETIMES, I
LIKE TO BRING YOU NEWS ABOUT
THINGS THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY GO
WRONG, SO I'M HAPPY TO REPORT
THAT ANIMAL RESCUE HAS RELEASED
1,000 FERAL CATS INTO CHICAGO'S
STREETS TO COMBAT THE CITY'S RAT
PROBLEM.
OR, AS IT WILL SOON BE KNOWN,
THE CITY'S CAT PROBLEM.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: ANIMAL
RESCUE SPAYS OR NEUTERS THE CATS
AND THEN RELEASES THEM BACK
OUTSIDE TO SERVE AS RODENT
CONTROL.
THAT'S A BOLD PITCH.
FIRST, I CUT OFF YOUR BALLS,
THEN, YOU DO ME A FAVOR.
THIS IS ALL PART OF THE CITY'S
PROGRAM, CATS AT WORK.
BECAUSE, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
ASSOCIATE WITH AN ANIMAL WHO
SLEEPS 20 HOURS A DAY, IT'S
WORK.
QUARANTINE-WHILE -- THIS NEXT
STORY INVOLVES SOME LANGUAGE
THAT'S GOING TO BE BLEEPED FOR
YOU AT HOME, BUT LET'S JUST SAY
IT'S A COMBINATION OF BUTT AND
THE NAUGHTY WORD FOR A SEXUAL
ACT, ALL OF WHICH RHYMES WITH
NUT TRUCKER.
HERE WE GO: IN MICHIGAN, A JUDGE
RIPPED A DEFENDANT WHO LOGGED
INTO A COURT ZOOM WITH A
( BLEEP ) 3000 USERNAME.
IN DEFENDING HIMSELF, THE MAN
SAID HE HAD NO IDEA HOW THAT
BECAME HIS USERNAME, BUT DID
ADMIT IT'S THE PAIRING NAME FOR
HIS BLUETOOTH SPEAKER.
OKAY.
THAT EXPLANATION ONLY RAISES
MORE QUESTIONS.
JUST HOW ARE YOU PAIRING WITH
YOUR BLUETOOTH SPEAKER?
QUARANTINE-WHILE-- SOUTH KOREAN
COUPLES ARE WOOING EACH OTHER
WITH TESLA STOCKS, EXCHANGING
STOCKS INSTEAD OF CHOCOLATES AND
FLOWERS.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE
LIKE VOLATILE SHARE PRICES THAT
HANG ON THE WORD OF AN ECCENTRIC
BILLIONAIRE WHO DANCES LIKE A
MALFUNCTIONING ROOMBA.
THIS TREND STARTED LAST YEAR,
WHEN A BROKERAGE AND INVESTMENT
BANKING COMPANY ALLOWED PEOPLE
TO BUY STOCK GIFT CARDS FOR EACH
OTHER.
AND PRETTY SOON, AMONG YOUNG
DATERS TESLA WAS THE MOST-BOUGHT
STOCK FOR GIFT GIVING.
AND IF YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO GOT
YOUR LOVER TESLA STOCK INSTEAD
OF A REAL GIFT, I HAVE A FEELING
YOU'RE GONNA BE MAKING LOVE ON
AUTOPILOT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE -- AH, AH, YOU
WANT THEM TO BE HAVING REAL SEX,
DON'T YOU?
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
TIKTOK IS TESTING A TOOL FOR
BRANDS TO RECRUIT EMPLOYEES.
BRANDS CAN POST JOBS, PRIMARILY
ENTRY-LEVEL LISTINGS, AND THEN
USERS POST A TIKTOK VIDEO RESUME
TO THE SITE RATHER THAN A
TRADITIONAL RESUME.
SO, YOUR H.R. DEPARTMENT CAN
LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING A LOT OF
QUALIFICATIONS VIA ASMR.
( WHISPERING TAPPING FINGERS ON
MICROPHONE )
HI, I HAVE A B.A.
IN HISTORY FROM SKIDMORE.
SPECIAL SKILLS INCLUDE--
( CRINKLES CHIP BAG )
SHHH...
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SETH
ROGEN.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OH, ADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME BACK.
YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM
"SUPER BAD," "PINEAPPLE
EXPRESS," AND "LONG SHOT."
HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK
CALLED "YEAR BOOK."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW."
SETH ROGEN.
SETH ROGEN, THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS AS MUCH AS
ANYONE IS WITH ANYONE ANYMORE
UNTIL THINGS IMPROVE.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE WHICH
WAS 2019, I GUESS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD JUST
LAUNCHED -- WHAT'S THE NAME OF
YOUR CANNABIS RELATED COMPANY
THERE.
>> IT'S CALLED HOUSE PLANT.
>> Stephen: HOUSE PLANT.
YOU LAUNCHED IT IN YOUR NATIVE
CANADA.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BUT SINCE THEN
LAUNCHED IN THE UNITED STATES.
WHO WAS IT RECEIVED, THE LAUNCH?
>> OUR WEB SITE CRASHED
INSTANTANEOUSLY SEVERAL TIMES
( LAUGHS )
THROUGHOUT OUR LAUNCH DAY.
OUR PRODUCTS ARE GENERALLY
SELLING OUT WITHIN SEVERAL
HOURS, ( LAUGHS ) OUR HOME
GOODS.
WE SELL HOME GOODS, ASHTRAYS,
TABLE LIGHTERS, THINGS LIKE
THAT, THAT ARE BEAUTIFULLY
DESIGNED.
WE HAD NO IDEA IF PEOPLE WOULD
WANT THIS STUFF OR NOT,
( LAUGHS ) BUT THANK GOD THEY
DID, AND WE SHOULD HAVE MADE
MORE OF IT AND WE'RE GOING TO
RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU ARE NOT
JUST A USER OR ENJOYER, USER
SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT LIKE YOUR
BOOT AND HORSE.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT
JUST AN ENTHUSIAST BUT A
DISTRIBUTOR, HAS IT CHANGED YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH CANNABIS?
>> I'D SAY IT STRENGTHENED IT IF
ANYTHING.
IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS
MYSELF THROUGH ANOTHER PRODUCT,
YOU KNOW.
AND, HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I
CAN.
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE, THROUGH THE--
HONESTLY, THROUGH THE PACKAGING
AND THROUGH THE IDENTITY OF THE
COMPANY AND THROUGH THE WEED
THAT WE ARE SELLING TO PEOPLE, I
REALLY FEEL LIKE IT IS AN
EXTENSION OF WHO I AM AND IT IS
VERY LOVELY TO SHARE WITH
PEOPLE.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO BE
VERY CLEAR TO EVERYONE AT CBS
BRASS RIGHT NOW WATCHING THAT
I'M NOT ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO GO
TO THIS WEB SITE,
>> NO.
>> Stephen: BUT I AM CURIOUS,
YOU CAN LITERALLY ORDER WEED
ONLINE?
>> YES, IF YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES
RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN GO TO HOUSE
PLANT AND WE WILL DELIVER YOU
WEED, YES.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: AGAIN, WE'RE NOT
TELLING PEOPLE TO DO THAT.
I'M JUST ASKING YOU IF THAT IS A
LEGAL THING TO DO?
>> THAT IS A LEGAL THING TO DO
IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU CAN TRY IN OTHER STATES, IT
WON'T LET YOU DO IT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ANY PLANS TO EXPAND?
>> VERY MUCH SO.
WE WOULD LOVE TO EXPAND.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT NEW YORK,
NEW YORK, THE BIG CITY OF
DREAMS?
IT'S LEGAL IN NEW YORK, TOO.
>> THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
AS SOON AS THE INFRASTRUCTURE IS
UP AND RUNNING, WE WOULD LOVE TO
SELL WEED TO THE PEOPLE OF NEW
YORK VERY, VERY MUCH.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: ANOTHER THING YOU
HAVE BEEN RENOWNED FOR WHICH WE
TALKED ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE ON THE SHOW WAS YOUR
POTTERY.
I HAVE BEEN A BIG FAN.
IT WAS JUST LIKE PINCH POTS,
ASHTRAYS, BUT YOU'VE REALLY
KICKED IT UP.
IS IT YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY
THERE?
BEAUTIFUL GLAZING WORK.
>> I HAVE A FEW HERE.
THIS IS ONE I MADE.
THIS IS A PURPLE VASE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GORGEOUS.
IS THAT A SMOOTH GLAZE JUST WITH
A PROFILE TO IT?
THAT'S GORGEOUS.
>> LAYERS OVER UNDERGLAZE AND
THEN ON TOP OF IT IS A GOOPY
GLAZE I MADE MYSELF BECAUSE I
TOOK A WORKSHOP WHERE I LEARNED
THE CHEMISTRY OF GLAZEMAKING.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE THAT
ONE.
ARE THESE FOR SALE?
>> NO, BUT IF YOU WANT ONE, I'LL
SEND YOU ONE.
I SEND THEM TO PEOPLE I LIKE,
SO, YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE ONE.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THE BLUE
ONE?
>> YOU SURE CAN.
IT'S YOURS, I'LL SEND IT TO YOU.
>> Stephen: IT WILL GO
BEAUTIFULLY ON MY BOOKSHELF
RIGHT HERE.
>> IT WOULD.
THESE ARE MUGS I'VE MADE.
>> Stephen: I KNOW ON HOUSE
PLANT, YOU CAN ACTUALLY BUY
THINGS LIKE ASHTRAYS AND STUFF.
ARE THEY INSPIRED BY YOUR
CERAMIC WORK OR TOTALLY
INDEPENDENT?
>> THEY ARE.
I ACTUALLY DESIGNED SOME OF THE
ASHTRAYS WE SELL.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE ONES.
I KIND OF LIKE ENVISIONED THIS
CUP ASHTRAY WITH A LITTLE NOTCH
HERE WHICH WAS VERY MUCH BASED
OFF OF MY NEEDS.
THESE ARE A COUPLE I'VE MADE.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
>> YEAH.
AND I ALSO HAVE MADE THESE
GLAZES.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE ALSO --
YOU'VE HAD WHAT YOU ARE
DESCRIBING AS NOT A FEUD WITH
TED CRUZ, OKAY.
IT'S NOT A FEUD.
HE HAS SAID THAT YOU ARE, YOU
KNOW -- HE'S SAID THAT BASICALLY
YOU'RE A RICH, ANGRY HOLLYWOOD
CELEBRITY, AND YOU SAID IF
YOU'RE A WHITE SUPREMACIST
FASCIST THAT DOESN'T FIND IT
OFFENSIVE WHEN SOMEONE CALLS
YOUR WIFE UGLY TED CRUZ IS THE
( BLEEP ) FOR YOU.
IS THAT PASSING HARSH JUDGMENT?
>> FEUD IMPLIES EQUAL GROUND.
>> Stephen: HATFIELDS AND
McCOYS, THAT SORT OF THING.
>> IF SOMEONE'S TRYING TO MURDER
SOMEONE WITH A BE ABLE TO BAT
AND SOMEONE IS YELLING THAT
PERSON TO STOP, IS THAT A FEUD?
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A FEUD.
I THINK FEUD IMPLIES TWO PEOPLE
HITTING EACH OTHER WITH BASEBALL
BATS.
I'M, LIKE, TED CRUZ IS A
FASCIST.
HE DENIES THE REALITY OF THE
ELECTION.
HIS WORDS CAUSED PEOPLE TO DIE,
AND I'M MAKING JOKES ABOUT IT.
IS THAT A FEUD?
( LAUGHS )
I DON'T KNOW.
TO ME, IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A
FEUD.
TO ME, SEEMS LIKE I'M POINTING
OUT THE FACT THAT HE IS A
TERRIBLE MAN WHOSE WORDS HAVE
RESULTED IN DEATH, YOU KNOW.
AND I GUESS, TO ME, YEAH, LIKE--
I MEAN, IT SPEAKS TO WHAT I
THINK IS A BIGGER PROBLEM IN
AMERICA WHICH IS A FALSE
EQUIVALENCY, AND I WAS GOING TO
USE THE TERM "BETWEEN THE RIGHT
AND THE LEFT"
WHICH MAKES IT SEEM LIKE TWO
APPENDAGE AS OF THE SAME
CREATURE, WHICH I DON'T THINK IT
IS.
I THINK ONE IS -- ONE IS A
CREATURE AND THE OTHER'S JUST
TRYING TO STO IT FROM
DESTROYING THE COUNTRY,
( LAUGHS )
AND, SO, I DON'T KNOW IF, LIKE,
IS THAT A FEUD?
I DON'T KNOW.
ARE THOSE TWO THINGS ON THE SAME
LEVEL?
LIKE-- AND I AGREE THAT, LIKE, I
THINK IT'S EASY TO SAY, LIKE,
THAT MAY BE THE LEFT FEELS
INEFFECTIVE IN COMPARISON TO HOW
THEY SHOULD, BUT IT'S LIKE IF
YOU WERE PLAYING BASEBALL
AGAINST A TEAM AND, LIKE, YOU'RE
TRYING TO GET A LOT OF RUNS AND
THE OTHER TEAM IS TRYING TO
BLUDGEONED YOU TO DEATH, LIKE,
IS IT LIKE SHOCKING THAT YOU'RE
NOT SCORING AS MANY RUNS AS
MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE SCORING?
NO, THE OTHER TEAM IS JUST
TRYING TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH
BASEBALL COMBATS, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT
METAPHOR.
IT'S AMERICA'S PAST TIME, THAT
METAPHOR.
>> EXACTLY.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: WHAT I'M CURIOUS
ABOUT, JUST LISTENING TO HEAR
YOU TALK, IS HAVE YOU EVER
GOTTEN HIGH WITH SOMEONE WITH
WHOM YOU SHARE NO POLITICAL
PHILOSOPHIES?
IN OTHER WORDS, DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD GET HIGH WITH TED CRUZ AND
THAT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO HIM?
ARE THERE A LOT OF FAR RIGHT --
>> IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO HIM
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE HUMANIZING
HIM IN SOME WAY--
( LAUGHS )
TO HANG OUT WITH ME, I WOULD
IMAGINE.
( LAUGHS )
BUT, NO, I DON'T-- I DON'T-- I
DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE TRIED, HONESTLY-- THERE ARE
PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO HAVE HELD
THE BELIEFS-- THAT HOLD THE
BELIEFS THAT TED CRUZ HOLDS, AND
I REALLY TRIED TO ENGAGE WITH
THEM THROUGHOUT THE LAST YEAR,
AND ULTIMATELY IT WAS
HORRIFYING.
( LAUGHS )
AND, TRULY, I FELT LIKE THERE IS
NOTHING I COULD CONVEY THAT
WOULD REFRAME THIS PERSON'S
REALITY AS THEY VIEWED IT, YOU
KNOW.
AND, SO, NO, IT'S LIKE WHEN I
WAS ON YOUR SHOW BEFORE AND I
WOULDN'T TAKE A PICTURE WITH
PAUL RYAN.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT.
>> I DON'T THINK LIKE BEING NICE
TO TED CRUZ, FOR ME, LIKE I
DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE A
POSITIVE THING FOR THE WORLD.
IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.
( LAUGHS )
>> Stephen: SETH, WE HAVE TO
TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GOING TO
ASK HIM ABOUT A VERY HIGH LEVEL
MEETING HE HAD WITH ONE MR.
THOMAS KRUSE.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF
"YEAR BOOK," MR. SETH ROGEN.
SETH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR NEW BOOK
CALLED "YEAR BOOK."
THERE'S A STORY HERE THAT'S GOT
A FAIR AMOUNT OF ATTENTION, YOU
AND JUDD APATOW.
NO ONE'S EVER TRIED TO SELL ME
ON SCIENTOLOGY AND I WOULD LIKE
IT IF SOMEONE WOULD TRY.
>> IT HAPPENED A FEW HOURS INTO
THE MEETING AND I WAS WORRIED
THAT I WASN'T DEEMED WORTHY IN
SOME WAY, HONESTLY.
AND SO IT WAS NICE WHEN THE
PITCH FINALLY CAME.
BUT, YEAH, ME AND JUDD WERE
SUMMONED TO TOM CRUISE'S HOUSE
TO TALK ABOUT MOVIE IDEAS
BECAUSE THIS WAS THE PEEK WHEN
HE WAS VIEWED UNFAVORABLY WHEN
HE WAS JUMPING ON THE COUCH ON
OPRAH--
>> Stephen: CALLING MATT LAUER
GLIB.
>> WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS!
( LAUGHTER )
BUT, ULTIMATELY, IT WAS A TIME I
THINK THAT HE WAS SAYING HE
WANTED TO DO A COMEDY, AND, SO,
HE WAS MEETING WITH COMEDIC
FILM-MAKERS TO TALK ABOUT A
POTENTIAL COMEDY MOVIE.
SO ME AND JUDD WENT TO MEET HIM.
WE WENT TO HIS HOUSE.
>> Stephen: NICE PLACE, I'M
GUESSING?
>> VERY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE,
PALATIAL, ESTATE, WINDING
DRIVEWAY, I MET BABY SURI.
NOBODY HAD MET HER AND WONDERED
IF SHE WAS REAL.
IT WAS BELIEVABLE HE PERHAPS HAD
A FAKE BABY, WHICH IS ON THE
TABLE, WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING
YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK OF YOU.
BUT I WENT THERE, YEAH, WITH
JUDD, AND, AFTER A FEW HOURS,
THE CONVERSATION FINALLY SHIFTED
TO HOW HE WAS PER SIEVED IN THE
PRESS, AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
HOW, YOU KNOW, IT WAS -- A LOT
OF THE STUFF WAS TAKEN OUT OF
CONTEXT AND HE FELT AS THOUGH
THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY WAS
PERHAPS USING THEIR SWAY TO
CONTROL -- YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM
LOOK BAD IN THE MEDIA BECAUSE
SCIENTOLOGISTS DON'T BELIEVE IN
PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS, SO HE
THOUGHT HE WAS DAMAGING THE
PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY.
AND, SO, THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME
SCIENTOLOGY CAME UP.
IT WAS, LIKE, OH, BECAUSE OF
SCIENTOLOGY, THAT'S WHY THEY
WOULD DO THAT.
HE WAS, LIKE, YEAH.
AND THEN HE LOOKS AT US AND HE
GOES, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE A
LOT OF MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT
SCIENTOLOGY, AND IF YOU LET ME
TELL YOU FOR ONE HOUR WHAT
SCIENTOLOGY WAS, YOU WOULD SAY
NO ( BLEEP ) WAY.
AND, LIKE, I REMEMBER THINKING
LIKE, I REMEMBER THINKING, LIKE,
DO I SAY YES?
WHAT DO I SAY?
JUDD WAS THERE, I WAS LIKE IS HE
GOING TO SAY YES?
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?
>> Stephen: PLEASE TELL ME YOU
SAID YES.
>> I SAID NOTHING BECAUSE I DID
NOT KNOW-- I GENUINELY FEARED I
WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THE
PITCH AND NOT GO ALONG WITH IT.
I'M A BIG TOM CRUISE FAN.
I WOULD NOT--
>> Stephen: ME, TOO!
THAT'S LIKE BEING TAUGHT ABOUT
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH BY ST.
PETER.
>> EXACTLY, YOU WIND UP A
CATHOLIC, THOUGH!
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
HE WOULD GET YOU.
THAT WAS MY FEAR.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW?
HE WOULD GET YOU WITH THE TECH.
>> EXACTLY.
HE'D CLEAR--
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO USE
THE TECH BECAUSE KSW, AND I MEAN
THAT.
>> CROSS THE BRIDGE, MAN.
I STEPPED ON YOU A LITTLE BIT
THERE.
YOU WERE RIGHT TO SAY YES AND
JUDD SAID NO.
>> JUDD -- I LOOKED AT JUDD AND
JUDD ULTIMATELY SAID, HE'S,
LIKE, MAYBE ANOTHER TIME, AND
TOM MOVED ON.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO KNOW
IF TOM'S WATCHING, I REALLY WANT
TO HEAR IT.
>> YOU WANT THE SHPIEL.
>> Stephen: I REALLY WANT TO
HEAR IT.
I'M REALLY CURIOUS.
>> I'M SURE THEY WOULD BE
THRILLED TO TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: TOM CRUISE.
CELEBRITIES NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
AND, LISTEN, HEY, I AM A
CATHOLIC.
I MAKE PLENTY OF JOKES ABOUT MY
OWN RELIGION, SO I'M READY TO
HEAR ANYBODY'S IDEA OF WHAT, YOU
KNOW, WHAT THEY THINK I SHOULD
BE BELIEVING.
>> WELL, IT INVOLVES ALIENS AND
VOLCANOES AND HYDROGEN BOMBS,
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'VE GOT A
CHAPTER IN HERE ABOUT YOUR FIRST
WRITING GIG.
YOU WROTE JOKES FOR A MOIL.
>> I DID.
MY FIRST JOB.
>> Stephen: THE OBVIOUS FIRST
QUESTION IS DID HE TAKE YOUR
SCRIPTS AS IS OR DID HE HAVE
SOME CUTS?
>> THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD
ONE!
YEAH, WELL, WHAT'S FUNNY, IT DID
TURN INTO A BIT OF A
NEGOTIATION.
HE-- YEAH, HE-- HE SAW ME DO
STANDUP AND HE GAVE ME HIS CARD
AND ASKED ME TO WRITE JOKES FOR
HIM.
I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A
CIRCUMCISION IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: ONE.
YOU WENT TO ONE.
>> WENT TO ONE.
HAVE A SHADY, BAD RECOLLECTION
OF IT, TO SAY THE LEAST.
AND IF I DID REMEMBER IT, I
PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WAS NOT AN
OCCASION FOR JOKES, IF ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW.
AND, SO, YOU KNOW, HE WANTED ONE
LINERS TO WARM UP THE CROWD
WITH, BASICALLY.
AND, SO, HE SAID HE WOULD PAY ME
50 BUCKS A JOKE.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S GOOD
MONEY!
>> IT'S NOT BAD.
I THOUGHT I'LL WRITE TEN JOKES,
THAT'S 500 BUCKS.
I WAS IN.
TO ME, THAT WAS GREAT, YOU KNOW.
HE PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL IN
HIS FERRARI.
HE HAD A FERRARI.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
A GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO CUT A
MILLIMETER OF SKIN OFF THE TIP
OF AN INFANT'S PENIS IS DRIVING
A ( BLEEP ) FERRARI?
(.LAUGHTER )
HOW MANY BABY PENISES ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT HERE?
WHAT IS THE RATE?
WHAT IS THE VIG?
WHAT DOES HE TAKE OFF THE TOP?
>> THERE'S NOT EVEN THAT MANY
JEWS IN VANCOUVER.
IF THERE WAS LIKE BROOKLYN OR
SOMETHING I WOULD TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND IT.
THERE'S A VERY SMALL NUMBER OF
JEWISH PEOPLE IN VANCOUVER.
IT'S TOTALLY CRAZY.
AND, SO, HE PICKED ME UP IN HIS
FERRARI.
WE GO TO A COFFEE SHOP, AND I GO
OVER THE JOKES WITH HIM, AND HE
FIRST SAYS, THOUGH, HE'S, LIKE,
I ONLY WANT TO PAY YOU FOR THE
JOKES I'M GOING TO USE, WHICH
WAS ( BLEEP ) I THOUGHT.
I WAS, LIKE, THAT'S GOING TO A
RESTAURANT AND SAY I'M ONLY
GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT I EAT
ULTIMATELY.
I SAID, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU
HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL OF IT.
AND HE HAS A FERRARI.
I WAS 14 YEARS OLD.
SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE
ENTERING NEGOTIATIONS WITH A 14-
YEAR-OLD OVER $500, DON'T DO IT
AFTER DRIVING TO COFFEE IN YOUR
FERRARI, IS ALL I WAS GOING TO
SAY, BECAUSE I WAS JUST LIKE
( BLEEP ), NO, YOU'RE PAYING ME
THE $500 YOU KNOW ME.
HE DIDN'T HAVE IT ON HIM AND I
MADE HIM DRIVE ME TO AN A.T.M.
AND GET THE MONEY HE OWED ME.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER THE
JOKES?
>> HE'LL BE THE COOLEST KID IN
PRE-SCHOOL, NOT A LOT OF KIDS
HS AGE HAVE BEEN IN A KNIFE
FIGHT.
THERE WAS ONE, IT WAS, LIKE, HE
WALKS OFFSTAGE AND HE'S LIKE
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, I'VE JUST
GOT TO OIL UP THE CHAINSAW.
I SAID, THAT'S NOT A GOOD ONE.
HE LIKED THAT ONE.
I SAID, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
PICKING THE RIGHT ONES, TO BE
TOTALLY HONESTLY.
WHAT'S CRAZY IS I HONESTLY
DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THIS SINCE I
WAS 14, THE LAST 25 YEARS,
BASICALLY.
LAST YEAR, MY MOTHER WAS AT A
WEDDING SITTING NEXT TO THIS GUY
AT THE WEDDING BY COMPLETE
COINCIDENCE, THE MOIL, AND IT
CAME UP, AND HE WAS, LIKE, DO
YOU STILL TELL THE JOKES?
HE'S, LIKE, I STILL USE ALL THE
JOKES IN EVERY SINGLE
CIRCUMCISION I DO.
SO 500 BUCKS FOR 25 YEARS WORTH
OF JOKES IS PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.
WELL, THOSE STORIES AND MORE IN
"YEAR BOOK" ON SALE NOW.
THE AUTHOR THE SETH ROGEN,
EVERYBODY: THANKS, SETH.
BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JACK
INGRAM, MIRANDA LAMBERT AND JON
RANDALL.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. PERFORMING "IN HIS ARMS" FROM
THEIR ALBUM, "THE MARFA TAPES,"
JACK INGRAM, MIRANDA LAMBERT AND
JON RANDALL.
♪ ♪ ♪
( ACOUSTIC GUITAR )
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN EL PASO
WHEN THE SKY WAS ON FIRE
♪ LOST A NIGHT IN JUAREZ
A COUPLE OF TIMES
♪ DANCED WITH A COWBOY
ON A STRAIGHT TEQUILA HIGH
♪ I WISH I WAS
IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT
♪ I'VE BEEN A ROLLING STONE
A TUMBLEWEED
♪ WAITING FOR THE RIGHT ONE
TO COME FIND ME
♪ BUT THE WRONG ONE
ALWAYS SET ME FREE
♪ I WISH I WAS IN
HIS ARMS TONIGHT
♪ IS HE PLAYING IN SOME
HOUSE BAND IN DALLAS?
♪ IS HE BREAKING HORSES
IN SAN ANTONE?
♪ IS HE ALL ALONE
IN THE NEON LIGHT?
♪ I WISH I WAS IN
HIS ARMS TONIGHT
♪ ♪ ♪
IS HE PRAYING FOR RAIN
♪ OUT IN WEST TEXAS?
IS HE LOST IN
♪ THE MARFA LIGHTS?
IS HE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR ME?
♪ WISHING I WAS IN HIS ARMS
TONIGHT I WISH I WAS
♪ IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JACK INGRAM, MIRANDA
LAMBERT, AND JON RANDALL,
EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
♪ ♪ ♪