Captioning sponsored by CBS >> NEARLY 90% OF REPUBLICANS IN THE HOUSE VOTED AGAINST A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION ON THE
JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION.
EVEN MIKE PENCE'S OWN BROTHER,
CONGRESSMAN GREG PENCE, VOTED
AGAINST THE MEASURE.
>> THEY WANTED TO KILL HIS
BROTHER.
THIS DIDN'T EVEN JUST PARTY OVER
COUNTRY.
THIS IS PARTY OVER FAMILY.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> I SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW"
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT: COMMISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
JOHN KRASINSKI, AND MUSICAL
GUEST YO-YO MA.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN OFFICE BUILDING IN NEW
YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S A VERY SPECIAL DAY HERE IN
THE ED SULLIVAN CONVERTED
STORAGE CLOSET, BECAUSE EVIE IS
HERE.
AND ALSO, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
14 MONTHS, I WILL HAVE AN ACTUAL
IN-PERSON GUEST TONIGHT--
MR. JOHN KRASINSKI, WHO'S HERE
TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW MOVIE, "A
QUIET PLACE II."
WELL, HE'S COME TO THE RIGHT
SPOT, BECAUSE FOR THE LAST YEAR,
THERE HAS BEEN NO QUIETER PLACE
ON EARTH THAN THIS ROOM.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THERE'S
NOTHING LIKE TELLING A JOKE AND
THEN HEARING YOUR OWN HEARTBEAT.
ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE, JOHN!
>> IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING
IN THE SECOND CHAIR.
WHEN THEY SAID, DO YOU WANT TO
HAVE JOHN KRASINSKI BE YOUR
FIRST LIVE, IN-PERSON GUEST, I
SAID, SURE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
AND EVIE SAID, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BACK OFF,
BUDDY.
>> YEAH, NO, I KNEW, I COULD
FEEL THE COMPETITION.
THERE'S A WALL OF TENSION.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
WE WERE GOING TO SIT YOU IN THAT
CHAIR, AND SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A
LADY, SHE SAID ( BLEEP ),
THAT'S MY CHAIR.
>> WHAT?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY CHAIR.
KRASINSKI CAN GET IN THE RUMBLE
SEAT.
>> I HAVEN'T SEEN A SWITCHBLADE
SINCE 1976, AND SHE PULLED ONE
OUT.
>> YEAH--
>> IT WAS REAL.
>> WELL, WE PLAY ROUGH.
>> SHE SAID, I'LL CUT YOU.
>> Stephen: ANYWAY, THANK YOU
FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING RED
CHAIRS.
>> MOVE ON.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU INSTRUCTING
ME TO MOVE ON?
( LAUGHTER )
PLEASE DON'T IMAGINE-- PLEASE
DON'T IMAGINE THAT THIS IS GOING
TO SPEED UP THE SHOW TONIGHT, IN
ANY WAY TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
ANYWAY...
YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES APPROVED A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION TO STUDY
THE JANUARY 6 RIOT, BUT 175
REPUBLICANS VOTED AGAINST IT.
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE IN THE
BUILDING WHEN IT WAS ATTACKED BY
THE BLOODTHIRSTY MOB, THEY
OPPOSED IT.
AS DO THE G.O.P. LEADERS IN THE
SENATE.
WHY?
APPARENTLY, REPUBLICANS FEAR A
JANUARY 6 PROBE COULD UNDERCUT
THEIR MIDTERM MESSAGE.
THAT MESSAGE?
"RESTORING HONOR TO MR. POTATO
HEAD'S PENIS."
( EVIE LAUGHING )
REPUBLICANS SEEM TO THINK THAT
IF THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT JANUARY
6, NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER.
IT'S ALL LAID OUT IN THE NEW
MOVIE, "A RIOT PLACE."
YOU LIKE THAT ONE?
( LAUGHTER )
>> THAT WAS GREAT.
THAT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE,
OKAY?
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET ONE OF THESE
JOBS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
SO REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT TO
FIND OUT WHY THEY WERE ALMOST
MURDERED, BECAUSE IT COULD HURT
THEM POLITICALLY.
REMINDS ME OF THAT EPISODE OF
"SCOOBY DOO."
>> IT'S THE GUY WHO TRIED TO
KILL US!
>> AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT, TOO!
THANKS, KIDS!
GOOD LUCK IN THE MIDTERMS!
>> Stephen: ONE MAN BAFFLED BY
REPUBLICAN OPPOSITION WAS OHIO
CONGRESSMAN AND FULLY VAXED
GUY WHO'S READY TO HUG AGAIN,
TIM RYAN.
>> I WANT TO THANK THE GENTLEMAN
FROM NEW YORK AND THE OTHER
REPUBLICANS WHO ARE SUPPORTING
THIS, AND THANK THEM FOR THEIR
BIPARTISANSHIP.
TO THE OTHER 90% OF OUR FRIENDS
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE:
HOLY COW!
INCOHERENCE!
NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT.
BENGHAZI-- YOU GUYS CHASED THE
FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY, SPENT MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS...
WE HAVE PEOPLE SCALING THE
CAPITOL, HITTING THE CAPITOL
POLICE WITH LEAD PIPES ACROSS
THE HEAD-- AND WE CAN'T GET
BIPARTISANSHIP?
WHAT ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN IN THIS
COUNTRY?
COPS-- THIS IS A SLAP IN THE
FACE TO EVERY RANK-AND-FILE COP
IN THE UNITED STATES.
IF WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ON CHINA,
IF WE'RE GOING TO REVERSE
CLIMATE CHANGE, WE NEED TWO
POLITICAL PARTIES IN THIS
COUNTRY THAT ARE BOTH LIVING IN
REALITY, AND YOU AIN'T ONE OF
THEM.
>> Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE RYAN,
I THINK YOU DROPPED THIS.
BECAUSE, WOW, WHAT AN
IMPASSIONED SPEECH.
THAT GUY SHOULD RUN FOR
PRESIDENT.
WHAT?
REALLY?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WASN'T PLEASED
WITH REPUBLICAN OPPOSITION?
THE CAPITOL POLICE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, AN ESTIMATED
50 MEMBERS OF THE UNITED STATES
CAPITOL POLICE SENT A LETTER
THAT READ IN PART, "THE BRAVE
MEN AND WOMEN OF THE U.S.C.P.
WERE SUBJECTED TO HOURS AND
HOURS OF PHYSICAL TRAUMA WHICH
HAS LED TO MONTHS OF MENTAL
ANGUISH.
IT IS UNCONSCIONABLE TO EVEN
THINK ANYONE COULD SUGGEST WE
NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AND GET
OVER IT.
AS U.S. CAPITOL POLICE OFFICERS,
WE ARE EXPECTED TO DO OUR JOBS
WITH HONOR AND INTEGRITY.
IT'S UNFORTUNATE THAT OUR
'BOSSES'-- CONGRESS-- ARE NOT
HELD TO THE SAME STANDARD."
STRONG WORDS.
THIS MUST BE PARTICULARLY TOUGH
FOR REPUBLICANS TO HEAR.
THEY'RE NOT USED TO BEING
STOPPED AND QUESTIONED BY THE
POLICE.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WONDER, JUST
WHO WERE THESE REPUBLICANS
TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY SAID
"BACK THE BLUE?"
THE GUYS FROM "AVATAR?"
COOKIE MONSTER?
MITCH McCONNELL'S HANDS?
WHILE THIS LETTER WAS WRITTEN BY
AND COMES FROM CAPITOL POLICE
OFFICERS, IT'S NOT AN OFFICIAL
STATEMENT BY THE CAPITOL POLICE.
THE U.S.C.P. CLARIFIED THAT IT
"DOES NOT TAKE POSITIONS ON
LEGISLATION."
FINE.
TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT THE
POLICE-- IN THE SAME WAY STING
ISN'T TECHNICALLY THE POLICE.
BUT, COME ON.
THAT LETTER IS "ROXANNE."
( EVIE LAUGHING )
EVIDENTLY, UNLIKE THE G.O.P.,
THE CAPITOL POLICE HAVE NOT
FORGOTTEN JUST HOW VIOLENT THE
JANUARY 6 RIOTERS WERE.
NEITHER HAS THE F.B.I., BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE BUREAU CAUGHT SIX
MORE SUSPECTS, AND I'LL CATCH
YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
( JAUNTY COUNTRY MUSIC )
>> BUTTER GET A GOOD LAWYER!
>> Stephen: THE NEWEST STEER TO
GET ROPED IS 37-YEAR-OLD DANIEL
WARMUS, SEEN HERE PROVING THAT
CATS HAVE NO MORAL COMPASS.
( LAUGHTER )
WARMUS WAS ARRESTED AFTER SOME
KEEN DETECTIVE WORK.
"HE WAS OVERHEARD BRAGGING ABOUT
ATTENDING THE JANUARY 6 RAMPAGE
WHILE HAVING HIS TEETH CLEANED
AT THE DENTIST."
DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN THE
DENTIST ASKS IF YOU TRIED TO
DESTROY DEMOCRACY WHILE THEY'RE
SCRAPING OFF THE TARTAR?
( ACT OUT, LIKE MOUTH FULL OF
DENTAL GEAR )
"I SHTORNED DE CATITOL ASH PART
OF A FACIST COUP."
( SLURPING SUCTION )
DURING--
>> EWW.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO SHAKE
YOUR HAND WITH THIS A LITTLE BIT
LATER.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
DURING THE CLEANING--
I'M GOING TO SHAKE YOUR HAND
WITH THIS A LITTLE BIT LATER.
DURING THE CLEANING, WARMUS
"TALKED OF SMOKING MARIJUANA
INSIDE THE CAPITOL AND REFUSING
A POLICE OFFICER'S ORDERS TO
LEAVE THE BUILDING, AND EVEN
PROUDLY PLAYED A VIDEO FROM
JANUARY 6."
THAT'S A MAN WHO REALLY DOESN'T
WANT TO OWN UP TO HIS OWN POOR
DENTAL HYGIENE.
"DO I FLOSS?
OBVIOUSLY, I-- HEY, LOOK AT ME
COMMITTING CRIMES!"
( EVIE LAUGHING )
NOW, TURNING TO "SOME GOOD
NEWS"--
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S ALL ABOUT TARGETED
MARKETING-- WITH VACCINATIONS
INCREASING AND THE COUNTRY
OPENING UP, RESTAURANT TRAFFIC
IS ROCKETING BACK.
ABOUT DAMN TIME!
AS SOMEONE WHO SPENT FIVE YEARS
BEHIND THE APRON WITH THE LITTLE
THING THAT TAKES THE CRUMBS OFF
YOUR TABLE, I STAND WITH MY
BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE FOOD
SERVICE INDUSTRY.
AND LET ME JUST SAY: I WANT TO
SEE A ONE-MINUTE APPROACH ON NEW
TABLES.
JUST PUT A COCKTAIL NAPKIN DOWN
SO THEY KNOW YOU'RE NOT IGNORING
THEM, OKAY?
LET'S MOVE THAT CAJUN SHRIMP
BOURSIN FETTUCCINI.
THAT SHRIMP'S NOT GETTING ANY
FRESHER.
AND CORPORATE WANTS US TO PUSH
THAT CHEDDAR BEER APPETIZER AND
THE ARTICHOKE DIP, OKAY?
DON'T SCOOP ICE WITH THE ROCKS
GLASS-- IF IT BREAKS, YOU'VE GOT
TO DUMP THE ENTIRE BIN!
YOU GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU GOT
TIME TO CLEAN!
SORRY, I'M JUST HAVING
FLASHBACKS.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
THE RESURGENCE HAS PROMPTED
EXPERTS TO DRAW PARALLELS
BETWEEN NOW AND THE ROARING '20s
WHICH FOLLOWED THE 1918
INFLUENZA PANDEMIC.
OF COURSE, THESE '20s AREN'T
GOING TO BE QUITE AS GLAMOROUS
AS THE ORIGINAL.
JAY GATSBY'S GOING TO GO FROM
TUXEDOS AND MARTINIS TO
SWEATPANTS AND WHITE CLAW.
PART OF THE GOOD NEWS IS
THAT RESTAURANTS ARE MAKING
MORE MONEY NOW THAN THEY DID
PRE-PANDEMIC BECAUSE OF PEOPLE
NOT WANTING TO LINGER.
AND THE QUICKER THE TABLES TURN
OVER, THE MORE PEOPLE CAN BE
ACCOMMODATED EACH DAY.
AND AGAIN, AS FORMER WAITER
MYSELF, I CAN SAY, THAT IS GREAT
NEWS FOR THE LUNCH SHIFT.
THEY NO LONGER HAVE TO BRING THE
CHECK AND SAY, "I'M JUST GOING
TO LAY THIS DOWN HERE.
TAKE YOUR TIME, BUT WE ARE
SWITCHING SHIFTS, SO CONNOR IS
GOING TO BE TAKING CARE OF YOU,
AND IF YOU DON'T PAY NOW, I
DON'T GET THE TIP, AND CONNOR
DIDN'T REALLY DO ANY WORK FOR
YOU, DID HE?
( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, I LISTED EVERY SALAD
DRESSING AND EVERY DRAFT BEER
TWICE, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE ALL
WRITTEN DOWN IN THE MENU.
ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO GO OVER TO
THE PREP STATION AND ROLL
SILVERWARE AND EAT FREE ROLLS
UNTIL MY SOUL FALLS OUT OF MY
ASS."
( LAUGHTER )
FIVE YEARS, FIVE.
DID YOU WAIT TABLES?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: YOU DID.
EVEN AFTER THE PILOT OF "THE
OFFICE," I WENT BACK AND WAITED
TABLES.
>> Stephen: YOU DID?
>> WOW.
>> THAT'S HOW LITTLE CONFIDENCE.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY, DIDN'T
FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF PLACE?
>> AT THE TIME, I WAS AT THE
ODEON DOWNTOWN.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?
>> OH, I USED TO--
>> IT'S A HISTORIC RESTAURANT IN
NEW YORK.
>> THE ODEON IN NEW YORK?
>> THANK YOU.
>> I WENT THERE A LOT IN THE
'80s.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY KNOW
YOUR FANCY--
>> IT'S NOT FANCY.
>> NO.
>> IT'S NICE, HISTORIC.
THIS IS CULTURE OVER HERE.
WE'LL JUST TALK ABOUT CULTURE.
>> YEAH, WE'RE ALL INTO NEW YORK
CITY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL EDIT THAT OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THERE IS SOME BAD NEWS FOR
BARS, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, DRINKING ANY AMOUNT OF
ALCOHOL CAUSES DAMAGE TO THE
BRAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!
GOD, I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY
TO ERASE THAT INFORMATION FROM
MY MIND.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
OH, RIGHT, ALCOHOL!
THE STUDY ALSO FOUND NO EVIDENCE
THAT THE TYPE OF DRINK YOU
CHOOSE-- SUCH AS WINE, LIQUOR,
OR BEER-- AFFECTS THE HARM DONE
TO THE BRAIN.
SO, IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS,
THERE'S NO EXTRA HARM IN POURING
A SHOT OF WHISKEY INTO A GLASS
OF WINE, AND THEN DUMPING IT
INTO A PITCHER OF BEER.
IT'S CALLED AN ALCO-DUCKEN.
SO, ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR MY BRAIN.
THE PROBLEM IS, MY BRAIN'S THE
ONE THAT KEEPS ASKING ME FOR
MORE ALCOHOL.
WHO AM I TO TELL MY BRAIN WHAT
TO DO?
IT'S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MAKING
ITS OWN DECISIONS.
OR IT WAS, UNTIL I STARTED
DRINKING.
SO, SCIENCE, CAN WE PLEASE HOLD
OFF ON THE ALCOHOL STUDIES?
THEY BUM ME OUT, AND THEN I
TREAT MY FEELINGS WITH ALCOHOL
AND THEN I EAT A GIANT PIZZA,
AND THEN I HAVE A WONDERFUL
EVENING.
I'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JOHN KRASINSKI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND
MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Jon: HELLO.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> Stephen: SO MUCH IS
HAPPENING.
YOU KNOW I HAVE A GUEST TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YES, I SAW THAT,
ACTUALLY TWO GUESTS.
>> Stephen: YES, WELL, EVIE IS
ACTUALLY CREW AT THIS POINT,
SHE'S NOT A GUEST.
BUT JOHN KRASINSKI IS RIGHT
THERE.
THERE HE IS.
DID YOU EVER WAIT TABLES, JON?
>> Jon: I WORKED AT THE
SUPERDOME IN NEW ORLEANS DURING
THE SAINTS GAMES.
>> Stephen: THAT IS FINE DINING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: LOOK, LET ME TELL YOU
THAT THE SUPERDOME HOT DOGS AND
THE CHEESE DIP.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: I HAVE BURNED MYSELF ON
A HOT DOG AND CHEESE DIP IN MY
DAY.
( LAUGHTER )
I WAS NOT GOOD AT PUTTING THE
HOT DOGS TOGETHER.
AND THEN THE RUSH AT HALFTIME
WHEN YOU MAKE THE HOT DOGS--
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: IT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING
WHEN YOU BREAK THE HOT DOG IN
HALF OR YOU GO THROUGH THE BUN
AND A LINE OF PEOPLE ARE
WAITING.
>> Stephen: CAN'T YOU USE THE
PUMP CHEESE TO GLUE IT ALL BACK
TOGETHER?
YOU PUT ENOUGH PUMP CHEESE ON
THERE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SELLING THEM.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO
PEOPLE.
I WANT TO KEEP IT NICE AND NEAT.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST
HAND IT TO THEM LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M GLAD IT
WASN'T TOO SEVERE OF A BURN,
JON, BECAUSE I WOULD HATE TO SEE
ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOUR HANDS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC IN
CELEBRATION OF MR. KRASINSKI IN
HERE?
ANYTHING THAT HE INSPIRES YOU TO
PLAY?
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE HIM
TO ME.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME ASSEMBLING
THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL
SNAKEWOOD, EBONY AND TORTOISE
SHELL HORN, HAND-CARVING IT WITH
THE MOST CURRENT IVORY
ARABESQUES AND INLAID MARQUETRY,
THEN HAND-STITCHING THE DAY'S
MOST IMPORTANT NEWS VELVET TO
FASHION FOR YOU THE LOUIS
QUATORZE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I STEAL THE ROTTING WOODEN
PALLETS FROM BEHIND A COSTCO,
GLUE THE BOARDS TOGETHER WITH
SOME ELMER'S AND DUCT TAPE,
STEAL THE CUSHIONS OUT OF MY
NEIGHBOR'S FISHING BOAT, AND
SLAP IT ALL TOGETHER TO MAKE THE
HOBO FUTON OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪
QUARANTINE-WHILE!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ANGELINA JOLIE
WENT VIRAL TODAY WITH THIS
INSTAGRAM VIDEO OF HERSELF
COVERED IN BEES TO RAISE
AWARENESS OF WORLD BEE DAY.
OR, ON THE BEE CALENDAR, IT'S
WORLD ANGELINA JOLIE DAY.
( LAUGHTER )
EITHER WAY, IT HAS RAISED MY
AWARENESS THAT I DO NOT WISH TO
BE COVERED WITH BEES.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS
HAVE UNRAVELED A MYSTERY ABOUT A
NAKED GIANT CARVED INTO AN
ENGLISH HILL.
HE IS SWINGING A BIG CLUB.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
AND THE ONE IN HIS HAND'S NOT
BAD EITHER.
HE IS FEE-FI-FO-HUNG!
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, HERE'S THE THING.
WE CAN ALL SEE HIS BEANSTALK.
BUT YOU AT HOME ARE GOING TO SEE
A BLACK BAR COVERING HIS GOLDEN
GOOSE, EVEN THOUGH HE'S
LITERALLY COVERING AN ENTIRE
HILLSIDE IN ENGLAND, CLEARLY
VISIBLE FROM ANYWHERE IN THE
SURROUNDING AREA.
IN FACT, THE ONLY MAN-MADE
THINGS ASTRONAUTS CAN SEE FROM
SPACE ARE THE GREAT WALL OF
CHINA, AND THIS GUY'S DONG.
( LAUGHTER )
AND YET THE CBS CORPORATION IS
GOING TO MAKE ME PUT A BAR OVER
IT.
UNTIL NOW, RESEARCHERS BELIEVED
THE ROMANS MADE HIM 2,000 YEARS
AGO, WHILE OTHERS THOUGHT IT WAS
DESIGNED TO MOCK THE 17TH-
CENTURY LORD PROTECTOR OF
ENGLAND, OLIVER CROMWELL.
MAYBE NOT THE BEST WAY TO MAKE
FUN OF SOMEONE?
"HOW SHOULD WE MAKE FUN OF THE
LORD PROTECTOR?"
( AS ENGLISH PEASANTS )
"I'VE GOT IT, LET'S GIVE 'IM A
MASSIVE BANGERS AND MASH!
THA'LL SHOW 'IM!"
( LAUGHTER )
THAT WAS A PERFECT ENGLISH
ACCENT, WASN'T IT?
>> I MEAN PERFECT.
>> Stephen: DID I SOUND LIKE
EMILY?
>> I WAS TRICKED INTO IT.
IT WAS EMILY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BUT A TEAM OF
ARCHEOLOGISTS HAS NOW CONCLUDED
THAT THE GIANT WAS CARVED INTO
THE HILL BETWEEN THE YEARS 700
AND 1110 A.D.
SO IT'S A MEDIEVAL PENIS PIC.
THAT'S RISKY.
WHAT IF THE WRONG PERSON SEES
IT?
"NO, MOM!
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO TO
THE STREAM TO PICK FIDDLEHEADS
TODAY!
THAT HILLSIDE WAS FOR GERTRUDE!
...DID YOU SEE HER?
DID SHE SAY ANYTHING?"
( EVIE LAUGHING )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "MICROSOFT IS
FINALLY RETIRING INTERNET
EXPLORER IN 2022."
AT LEAST THEY CAN REST EASY
KNOWING THEY HELPED SO MANY
PEOPLE DOWNLOAD GOOGLE CHROME.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S TIME FOR
MY ONCE-EVERY-17-YEARS SEGMENT
"CICADA UPDADA!"
( CICADA BUZZING )
>> GOD, I NEED A CUP OF COFFEE!
>> Stephen: EVERYONE'S TALKING
ABOUT THE BROOD X CICADAS RE-
EMERGING IN 15 STATES AFTER
HIBERNATION, AND ACCORDING TO
EXPERTS, PEOPLE ARE NOW EATING
CICADAS FOUND IN THEIR BACKYARD,
AND YOU CAN, TOO.
SURE, I CAN, BUT THAT DOESN'T
MEAN I SHOULD.
I CAN EAT ANYTHING IN MY
BACKYARD.
FLOWERS, GRASS.
I COULD EAT THE SWING SET IF YOU
LET ME DEEP-FRY IT FIRST.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
BUT GETTING EATEN MIGHT BE THE
LEAST OF A CICADA'S WORRIES,
BECAUSE, QUARANTINE-WHILE,
"BROOD X CICADAS FACE A 'DEATH-
ZOMBIE FUNGUS' THAT EATS AWAY AT
THEIR BUTTS."
WHICH RAISES THE OBVIOUS
QUESTION: WHEN DO YOU TELL
NEW ROMANTIC PARTNERS THAT YOU
HAVE A DEATH ZOMBIE FUNGUS
EATING YOUR BUTT?
I'M GOING TO SAY FIRST DATE
SINCE, YOU KNOW, THE CLOCK'S
TICKING ON YOUR BUTT.
NOW, I FIRST TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS
UNBELIEVABLY DISGUSTING STORY
BACK IN AUGUST, BUT THERE ARE
NEW DETAILS WHICH ARE EVEN MORE
UNBELIEVABLY DISGUSTING-ER.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR "CICADA
UPDADA UPDADA!"
( CICADA BUZZING )
>> OUCH, MY BUTT!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HIS VOICE REALLY
CHANGED BETWEEN THOSE TWO.
( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, IF INFECTED, THE
MASSOSPORA FUNGUS EATS AWAY AT
THE CICADA'S BUTT, WHICH WEARS
AWAY "LIKE AN ERASER ON A
PENCIL."
CAN I GET SOME OF THAT FUNGUS?
BECAUSE AFTER 15 MONTHS IN
LOCKDOWN, I'VE GOT SOME SPARE
ASS I WOULDN'T MIND ERASING.
BONUS, THE FUNGUS "PUSHES THEIR
MATING INTO HYPERDRIVE," THEN,
"AS THE CICADAS' WINGS BEAT,
THEY PROPEL INTO THE AIR SPORES
THAT LOOK LIKE SALT AS THEY RAIN
DOWN," TURNING THEM INTO WHAT
RESEARCHERS NOW CALL "SEX-CRAZED
'SALT SHAKERS OF DEATH'."
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW THEY'RE JUST THROWING
MAGNETIC POETRY AT A FRIDGE.
AND GET THIS, THE FUNGUS ALSO
CONTAINS "CHEMICALS LIKE THE
ONES FOUND IN HALLUCINOGENIC
MUSHROOMS."
SO REMEMBER: IF YOU ARE GOING TO
EAT A CICADA, YOU WANT TO MAKE
SURE YOU SWALLOW IT ABOUT 45
MINUTES BEFORE HEADING TO THE
PLANETARIUM FOR LASER FLOYD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN
KRASINSKI.
THAT GUY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY GUEST FROM-- SITTING
OVER THERE-- BUT ALSO AS THE
WRITER AND DIRECTOR OF "A QUIET
PLACE PART II."
( CAR DOOR SLAMS ) ( SIREN ) >> WAIT HERE.
RONNY, WHAT WE GOT? >> WE'VE GOT UNITS HEADED OUT THERE NOW, E.M.S. AND FIRE.
( INAUDIBLE)
( CRASH )
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"A LATE SHOW," JOHN KRASINSKI!
JOHN.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JOHN, THIS IS GREAT.
SIT A LITTLE CLOSER
>> A LITTLE CLOSER?
>> Stephen: THANKS VERY MUCH.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GAUGE
IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S, ARE WE--
CAN WE MAKE SURE SHE'S NOT IN
THE SHOT?
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> I WAS WONDERING IF SHE COULD
BE IN THE SHOT.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> IT'S SORT OF A SECURITY
BLANKET FOR ME NOW.
>> Stephen: THE, THE--
>> HOLD ON, I'M GOING TO GET MY
CUP.
>> Stephen: CUP?
>> IT'S VERY, VERY D.I.Y. NOW,
GET YOUR OWN WATER.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
>> AH, YEAH.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU FEEL
LIKE?
>> WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
>> Stephen: BOURBON.
MM-HMM.
SO, JOHN, THE LAST TIME WE WERE
TOGETHER WAS--
( GLASS CLINKING )
MARCH 9, 2020.
( LAUGHTER )
>> OKAY, I'LL TAKE SOME ICE.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> OH, YEAH.
THEY ALL THAT THE COVID
MANHATTAN.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
>> YEAH, THERE IT IS.
PERFECT.
THAT'LL KILL IT.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
( GLASS CLINKING )
OW!
( BLEEP )
>> ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
JUST GO TO COMMERCIAL?
>> Stephen: I DON'T USUALLY MOVE
THIS MUCH.
DAMN IT, THAT HURT.
>> SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'LL BE FINE.
I'LL BE FINE.
THAT WILL BE 14 BUCKS.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S A MINIMUM.
>> TWO OF THEM.
I'VE GOT TO ORDER TWO.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE GIRLS
ARE GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A
MINUTE.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO BUY THEM
DRINKS, TOO.
>> NO PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE LAST TIME
WE WERE TOGETHER WAS MARCH 9 OF
2020, WHICH WAS THREE DAYS
BEFORE WE HAD TO BUG OUT BECAUSE
EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE HERE
FOR A LITTLE PROJECT CALLED--
>> "A QUIET PLACE PART II"--
1.0.
THIS IS 2.0.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND I WANT TO TAKE A
LOOK AT THE ENTRANCE WHEN YOU
WERE HERE OVER A YEAR AGO.
YOU CAN GET A SENSE WE WERE
BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THAT
SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO BE
COMING DOWN THE PIKE.
WE WEREN'T QUITE SURE.
THAT WAS IT.
>> JUST BEFORE I WENT OUT,
SOMEBODY WAS, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TOUCH THEM ARE YOU?
AND THEY'RE, LIKE, AND JOHN
KRASINSKI.
( LAUGHTER )
I WAS, LIKE, AM I SUPPOSED TO?
AS I WAS GOING ON STAGE.
SO IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD.
>> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW,
WHEN YOU WERE HERE THEN, I DON'T
KNOW WHETHER I PRETENDED TO HAVE
SEEN YOUR MOVIE, BECAUSE I WOULD
NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.
DID I DO THAT?
DID I PRETEND TO--
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAD NEVER SEEN
YOUR MOVIE.
>>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SEEN IT NOW.
THAT'S ONE OF THE BENEFITS OF
ITS RELEASE BEING DELAYED 14
MONTHS.
>> YOU HAD A GOOD YEAR, A YEAR
PLUS--
>> Stephen: I HAD A CHANCE TO
WATCH YOUR MOVIE, WE SAW IT LAST
NIGHT AND WE LOVED IT.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: IT'S A FANTASTIC
MOVIE, IT'S GETTING GREAT
REVIEWS.
> IT WAS REALLY TERRIFYING.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE DVD--
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT THEY GAVE ME.
IT HAS MY NAME ON IT AND I WANT
YOU TO KNOW--
>> YOU HAVE TO DESTROY IT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN TELL YOUR
BOYS OVER AT PARAMOUNT TO STOP
CALLING ME EVERY OTHER HEARTBEAT
TO GET THE DVD BACK.
I'M NOT GOING TO SELL IT DOWN IN
CHINATOWN, I PROMISE YOU.
>> BUT YOU DID COPY IT.
>> Stephen: I DID, I RIPPED A
COPY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S FOR YOU.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
>> Jon: YOU CAN TAKE THAT BACK.
>> I FEEL STRESSED BECAUSE NOW
THEY'RE GOING TO CALL ME.
>> Stephen: THEY LITERALLY SAID
I WANT A VIDEOTAPE OF HIM
DESTROYING IT IF HE DOESN'T
RETURN IT.
>> WELL, HANDING IT TO ME IS
LIKE DESTROYING IT.
>> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THE
DELAY, YOU DELAYED IT THREE
TIMES, RIGHT?
YOU KEPT THINKING IT WAS GOING
TO BE RELEASED.
>> YES.
I'M EVER HOPEFUL.
I'M LIKE A SIX-YEAR-OLD
OPTIMIST, LIKE, ARE THEY READY?
NO.
OKAY, GREAT.
AND THEN WE KEPT PUSHING.
IT WAS A BIZARRE THING BUT IT
WAS CLEARLY THE RIGHT THING TO
DO SO THAT, SORT OF, TAKES THE
EMOTION OUT OF IT.
>> Stephen: I THINK THIS IS A
PARTICULAR THE KIND OF FILM YOU
WANT TO SEE IN A THEATER.
>> I BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GIVING
ANYTHING AWAY WHEN I SAY THE
FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE MOVIE
MIGHT BE THE MOST TERRIFYING AND
NOTHING ( BLEEP ) HAPPENS.
>> WOW, THAT'S THE BEST REVIEW
EVER.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S THE
SOUND DESIGN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE SOUND
DESIGN.
EVERY TIME-- CAN I SAY WHAT
HAPPENS AT THE BEGINNING?
>> YES.
>> Jon: THAT IT'S BEFORE--
IT GOES TO BEFORE THE ACTUAL
ALIENS ACTUALLY GET THERE, SO
IT'S LEADING UP TO IT.
SO IT'S JUST NORMAL LIFE.
EVERY TIME SOMEBODY DOES THIS--
( CUP CLANKS ON DESK )
YOU GO WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) YOU'RE
DOING?
( LAUGHTER )
PUT COTTON UNDERNEATH THAT!
IT'S FANTASTIC, I LOVE IT.
AND I LOVE HOW IT'S CONSCIOUS,
LIKE, THOSE CHOICES YOU MADE OF
WHAT SOUNDS WE HEAR.
WE WERE LIKE, EH, THE APPLE
SHOULDN'T MAKE A SOUND BUT THE
BAG SHOULD.
>> YEAH, AND WE GOT TO PLAY WITH
ALL THAT.
>> OH, IT'S GREAT.
>> I JUST, I TWEAKED EVEN THE
APPLE BITE, JUST A LITTLE MORE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT I'M TRYING TO
SAY TO EVERYBODY AT HOME IS THIS
MOVIE IS JUST AS GOOD ON THE
RADIO.
( LAUGHTER )
IT THAT REALLY, VISUALLY--
>> NO, LISTEN, IT'S A RADIO
PLAY.
WE MADE IT AS A RADIO PLAY, AND
THEN THEY SAID YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY SHOOT IT.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN
DOING THIS THING I LOVE, IS THAT
YOU HAVE BEEN SURPRISING PEOPLE
IN THE THEATERS-- TO CELEBRATE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: TO CELEBRATE.
TO CELEBRATE COMING BACK TO THE
THEATERS.
>> MY WHOLE THING IS NOW THAT
PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE, IT IS
SO EXCITING TO ME THAT PEOPLE
ARE COMING BACK TO THE THEATERS.
YES, COME SEE MY MOVIE BUT GO
SEE ANY MOVIE.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE HAVE SOME
CLIPS OF YOU SURPRISING THE GOOD
PEOPLE.
DO WE HAVE THOSE, JIM?
>> ALL RIGHT, SO HERE'S THE DEAL: I SAID I WAS GOING TO BRING OUT "A QUIET PLACE PART
II" WHEN WE COULD ALL GO SEE IT
TOGETHER.
WELL, GUESS WHAT!
IT'S TIME, AND IT'S MIAMI.
LET'S GO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT'S UP, MIAMI?
I'M GOING AROUND THEATERS ALL
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
POPPING IN LIKE THIS TO SAY
THANK YOU.
HEY, CAN I GET IN THIS PICTURE?
COME BACK TO THE THEATERS.
LET'S WATCH MOVIES TOGETHER AND
LET'S BE TOGETHER.
LET'S DO IT!
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
WHOO!
( APPLAUSE )
>> COME ON, GUYS.
I NEED A LITTLE--
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
I AM SO THRILLED TO BE BACK IN
THE THEATERS.
I WAS JUST TOO EXCITED.
AND I WAS, LIKE, I'M GOING TO GO
ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO
THEATERS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: AND DID YOU WEAR
THAT SHIRT EVERYWHERE?
>> I DO, I SLEEP IN IT.
BY THE WAY, IT'S SO FUNNY,
SOMEBODY IN MIAMI SAID, WOW,
COOL, YOU'RE DRESSED FOR MIAMI.
AND I KIND OF WENT, I'M KIND OF
DRESSED AS A BOSTON KID WHO
THINK THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DRESS
LIKE IN MIAMI.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS LIKE?
YOUR DARLING, TALENTED WIFE
EMILY IS SO GREAT IN THIS.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT AND I'LL
TELL THE PEOPLE, I'LL SAY IT
RIGHT TO THE CAMERA.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT ONLY ONE OF
THE MOST TERRIFYING MOVIES I'VE
EVER SEEN, BUT-- IT IS.
I DON'T DO THE JUMP SCARES AS
WELL.
AND WE MIGHT HAVE WATCHED SOME
OF IT WITH A SOUND OFF.
( LAUGHTER )
WE MIGHT HAVE MUTED A FEW
MOMENTS OF IT, YOU KNOW, AND I
KNOW THAT'S--
>> THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS FILM HAS?
( AS AN OLD MAN )
IT'S GOT HEART.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IT DOES, IT DOES.
IT IS ACTUALLY A DEEPLY MOVING
STORY AT THE SAME TIME.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU MESH
THOSE TWO?
I DON'T USUALLY ASSOCIATE DEEPLY
MOVING HUMAN STORY AND HORROR.
>> YOU, KNOW, THE FUNNY THING IS
I ACTUALLY LEARNED THAT LESSON
FROM GREG DANIELS IN "THE
OFFICE."
IT WAS, LIKE, THREE WEEKS INTO
THE SHOOTING AND I WAS SO
NERVOUS FOR THIS SCENE.
AND HE SAID, CAN I ASK YOU A
QUESTION-- YOU OKAY?
AND I SAID, YES, THIS IS MY
FAVORITE JOKES IN THE SCRIPT.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE I DELIVER IT
REALLY FUNNY.
HE SAID, WHOA, YOU DON'T DELIVER
ANYTHING FUNNY.
YOU JUST DELIVER IT, AND LET
PEOPLE DECIDE WHETHER IT'S FUNNY
OR NOT.
I SAID OKAY.
AND HE SAID, YOU JUST DO THE
CHARACTER AND IF THEY'LL FALL IN
LOVE WITH YOU, THEY'LL GO ON ANY
RIDE.
AND I LITERALLY THOUGHT OF HIM
WHEN THEY SAID DIRECT A HORROR
MOVIE.
I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DO A HORROR MOVIE.
SO INSTEAD, I JUST DID A FAMILY
DRAMA AND TROJAN HORSED AS A
HORROR MOVIE BECAUSE I THOUGHT
YOU'LL BE MORE SCARED IF YOU
FALL IN LOVE WITH THESE
CHARACTERS.
>> Stephen: YOU DO, YOU ACTUALLY
CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM.
>> YOU SAYING IT HAS HEART IS
THE BEST COMPLIMENT EVER.
>> Stephen: AND EMILY IS AMAZING
IN THIS FILM.
ALL THE ACTORS ARE GREAT, BUT
EMILY IS TRULY, YOU SEE
HORRIFIED, A MOTHER ABSOLUTELY
ON THE EDGE IN THIS.
>> THE TRUTH IS, I THINK SHE'S
THE MOST TALENTED ACTRESS WE
HAVE.
I MEAN, SHE'S JUST THE MOST
UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED PERSON,
BUT, ALSO, MORE THAN ACTING,
SHE'S JUST SUCH AN INCREDIBLE
PERSON TO HAVE ON SET.
THE ENTIRE CREW, EVERYBODY WHO'S
AROUND JUST LOVES IT MORE WHEN
SHE'S ON SET.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, IS SHE, IS
SHE-- SHE'S NOT HERE TODAY?
IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER,
GUYS!
OKAY, LET'S SHOOT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU SAY
AFTER, THERE'S A CRITICAL MOMENT
WHERE THE CHILDREN DO THINGS,
NEAR THE END OF THE FILM.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, AND WHAT DID
YOU SAY?
>> I SAID, JOHN REALLY LOVES HIS
CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> THAT'S AMAZING!
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT
TELEGRAPHS, IS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
YOUR KIDS.
>> AS PSYCHOTIC AS IT SEEMS WHEN
YOU LOOK AT THE POSTER, THESE
MOVIES ARE A LOVE LETTER TO MY
KIDS.
>> NO, THEY ARE, IS.
>> Stephen: TOTALLY BELIEVE IT.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, DURING
QUARANTINE, MANY PEOPLE INDULGED
THEMSELVES-- SELF-MEDICATED,
WHETHER IT BE ALCOHOL OR FUDGE.
>> I'LL TAKE ANOTHER ONE, BY THE
WAY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU-- I KNOW
YOU'RE ALL JACK RYAN, LIKE, HARD
NOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU LOSE IT
DURING QUARANTINE?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU BLOAT UP?
THERE WAS A MOMENT THERE WHERE
WE WERE GOING TO SHOOT AND I
SAID I'M TOTALLY READY TO SHOOT,
WE JUST NEED TO CHANGE THE NAME
OF THE SHOW TO FAT RYAN AND THEN
LET'S DO IT.
I GOT ADDICTED TO WEIRD THINGS.
DID YOU?
I WAS ADDICTED TO POPCORN.
MY KIDS HAD MOVIE MICROWAVE,
LIKE, MOVIE POPCORN AND THEY
LOVED IT AND SLOWLY THE TIME
STARTED GETTING EARLIER AND
EARLIER.
AT, LIKE, 9:00 A.M. AT BREAKFAST
I WAS, LIKE, ANYBODY WANT
POPCORN?
AND EMILY WAS, LIKE, YOU HAVE TO
COOL IT ON THE POPCORN.
YOU HAVE TO STOP MICROWAVING
POPCORN AT 9:00 A.M.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THE SAME
THING, BUT WITH VODKA.
>> OH!
( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU OFFERED IT TO YOUR
CHILDREN?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WELL, AN ESPRESSO
MARTINI REALLY STARTED FEELING
GOOD FOR BREAKFAST.
I NEVER ACTUALLY BUT I WAS LIKE,
HAND TO GOD, THAT WOULD BE
( BLEEP ) FANTASTIC.
WHAT AM I DOING?
>> AND YOU'RE STILL GETTING THE
BENEFITS OF THE ESPRESSO.
IT'S A MORNING DRINK.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ALL THE
VITAMIN, VITAMIN-PRESSO...
>> AND THEN YOU PUT VODKA IN
YOUR GREEN JUICE AND IT'S SO,
IT'S LIKE, THE HEALTHIEST.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: WHAT IS GREEN JUICE?
>> IT IS JUICE, THAT IS GREEN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A MOVIE STAR.
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A MOVIE STAR.
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK.
BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MR. JOHN KRASINSKI.
♪ 7 ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK HERE WITH JOHN
KRASINSKI.
JOHN, IT'S REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE
YOU HERE.
>> IT IS GENUINELY AN HONOR TO
BE YOUR FIRST GUEST.
I HAVE TO SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT'S--
I'M GLAD.
>> FIRST LIVE GUEST.
>> Stephen: FIRST LIVE GUEST,
EXACTLY.
AND I'M GLAD IT'S YOU BECAUSE
YOU'RE A FRIEND AND I'M
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.
>> THAT MEANS A LOT.
YOU'VE NEVER CALLED ME A FRIEND
IN PUBLIC.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE ONLY
PLACE I WOULD CALL YOU A FRIEND,
BECAUSE THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS,
BABY, AND IN PRIVATE DOESN'T
GIVE ME ANY JUICE.
>> THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE REASONS
I'D LIKE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH
YOU IS TO GET TO KNOW YOU
BETTER, BECAUSE EVEN WHEN WE
SPEND TIME LIKE THIS, AND WE
EXCHANGE EMAILS EVER SO OFTEN,
IT'S HARD TO REALLY PLUMB THE
DEPTHS OF SOMEBODY IN THE TIME
WE HAVE TO TALK ON THE SHOW,
IT'S JUST NOT THERE.
SO WHAT I LIKE TO DO AND WHAT
THE TEAM OF SCIENTISTS AT "THE
LATE SHOW" HAVE FIGURED OUT.
THEY'VE FIGURED OUT 13 QUESTIONS
THAT GO STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF
SOMEONE AND ALLOW THEM TO BE
KNOWN IN A FULL WAY, OKAY?
>> OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."
JOHN KRASINSKI, HAVE THE COURAGE
TO FACE IT?
>> LET'S DO IT.
♪ ♪ ♪
FIRST QUESTION, JOHN KRASINSKI, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? >> MEATBALL SUB.
WOW, I JUST GOT JUDGED.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
IS THAT WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN
YOU'RE JUDGED?
IT IS.
OKAY, COPY THAT.
YOU CAN GET A MEATBALL SUB
ANYWHERE, ANYTIME AND THEY'RE
DELICIOUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE ONE THING
YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN
THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW
OUT?
>> OH, MAN.
ACCORDING TO ME OR MY WIFE?
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO WHOEVER
MAKES THE CALLS.
>> MY WIFE.
THERE IS A CELTIC SHIRT THAT I
HAD IN COLLEGE--
>> OH, BOY.
>> YUP.
IT'S HAS, ALMOST LIKE A PLASTIC
FILM UNDER HERE.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> AND FOR SOME REASON THE
WASHING MACHINE HAS LET ME DOWN
IN THE LAST 376 WASHES AND IT
JUST STAYS PLASTICKY.
AND SHE'S LIKE, PLEASE...
SHOOT IT.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD FRAME IT.
>> IT'S FRAMING ITSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST
ANIMAL?
>> CROCODILE.
ANYTHING THAT HAS THE TERM
"DEATH ROLL" IN YOUR--
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
( WA-WA-WA-WA-WA )
>> YEAH, NOT ONLY, THE BITE'S
NOT BAD ENOUGH.
THEN YOU HAVE TO ROLL ME INTO--
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF
A CROCODILE GRABS YOU AND IS
DRAGGING YOU TOWARDS THE WATER?
WHAT'S YOUR PLAY?
>> I PLAY "WHAT WOULD YOU DO"
ALL THE TIME, AND I THINK WOULD
JUST GENUINELY YELL "NO."
NO!
( LAUGHTER )
>> I WOULD.
>> Stephen: GO FOR THE EYES.
THUMBS FOR EYES.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: OKAY, APPLES OR
ORANGES?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: CAN'T PUT PEANUT
BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
>> SORRY, IS THIS THE FIRST ONE
I'VE GOTTEN RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU THINK
THIS IS THE FIRST ONE I GOT
RIGHT.
THE OTHER ONES WERE HIGH
JUDGMENT.
IS, DID I--
>> Stephen: WHAT?
WELL, THIS IS, THIS IS A BINARY
CHOICE.
>> YES.
>> FOR US.
>> Stephen: BUT IT'S A BINARY
CHOICE.
>> BUT YOU HAVE YOUR OPINIONS
ABOUT THINGS.
LIKE, MEATBALL SUBS.
>> Stephen: WELL, I KNOW WHAT
THE RIGHT ANSWER IS.
NOT MY OPINION.
I KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT ANSWER IS.
( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW WHAT ALL THE ANSWERS ARE.
BUT YOUR ANSWERS HAVE BEEN
GREAT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY'RE
COMING FROM THE HEART.
HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> OH, YEAH.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, MY DAD
WAS A DOCTOR AND HE ACTUALLY
KNEW THE DOCTOR OF THE RED SOX,
AND SO I GOT TO ONCE GO DOWN
THERE AND MEET MY HERO AT THE
TIME WAS KIRBY PUCKETT FROM THE
MINNESOTA TWINS.
AND HE WAS VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE ASKED THIS TO
YOUR HANKSES, YOUR CLOONEYS, AND
IT'S BASEBALL PLAYERS, THAT'S
WHO I GET.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: IT'S MOSTLY BASEBALL
PLAYERS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE?
>> I HOPE IT'S GREAT.
OKAY?
>> Stephen: WHATEVER IT IS, YOU
HOPE IT'S GREAT.
>> I THINK THERE'S DEFINITELY
SOMETHING WAITING FOR US.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE?
>> OH, MAN "THE DARK KNIGHT."
>> Stephen: NOT BAD.
>> "THE DARK KNIGHT."
>> Braude: FAVORITE SMELL?
>> BABY'S HAIR.
THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT SMELL WHEN
THEY'RE THAT YOUNG.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL.
>> BABY'S POOP.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: MIXED BAG.
>> WHEN IT'S LIQUID, IT'S--
>> Stephen: SURE.
MMM...
( LAUGHTER )
EXERCISE?
>> WHAT ABOUT IT?
>> Stephen: WORTH IT?
>> YES, VERY.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> FLAT.
>> Stephen: MOST USED--
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> ARE WE GOING TO EDIT THAT
OUT, BECAUSE THAT MADE ME FEEL
BAD?
>> Stephen: EDIT WHAT OUT?
MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> SPOTIFY.
I ONLY JUST-- I AM 94-YEARS-OLD.
I JUST RECENTLY FIGURED OUT THAT
THEY HAVE RADIO CHANNELS THAT
MIX UP YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS.
SO YOU SAY, LEON BRIDGES, AND
YOU CAN LISTEN TO ALL LEON
BRIDGES.
DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SPOTIFY?
AND THEN--
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SPONSORED BY
SPOTIFY?
>> SPOTIFY.
THE ONLY WAY TO LISTEN--
( LAUGHTER )
NO, I'M JUST--
>> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE
SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> MMM-- MAYBE "THE CURTAIN
FALLS" BY BOBBY DARREN.
MORE?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW THAT
ONE.
"BEYOND THE SEA" IS IN THE DAMN
MOVIE, AND THAT'S BOBBY DARIN.
>> YES, I BELIEVE IT WAS HIS
LAST TOUR EVER, ONE OF THE LAST
THINGS HE SANG LIVE WAS THIS
SONG CALLED "AS THE CURTAIN
FALLS," AND IT'S BASICALLY HIS
GOODBYE SONG TO SHOW BUSINESS,
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY, SO WHEN
YOU GO ON SPOTIFY--
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> I HOPE I MAKE IT.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: JOHN KRASINSKI,
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> WOW, THANK YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: IT'S A DELIGHT TO SEE YOU, TOO.
>> HAVE TO REDO THE HUG.
BECAUSE NOW WE GET TO DO IT.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, FROM A
YEAR AGO.
>> COME ON.
>> Stephen: YOU READY?
LET'S DO IT.
>> OH, VERY NICE.
SO NICE.
>> Stephen: "A QUITE PLACE PART
II" WILL BE IN THEATERS ON MAY
28.
JOHN KRASINSKI, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. PERFORMING A MEDLEY OF "AMAZING GRACE,"
AND "GOIN' HOME" FROM HIS ALBUM
"SONGS OF COMFORT AND HOPE,"
YO-YO MA!
( "SIMPLE GIFTS" ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( "AMAZING GRACE" ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
( "GOIN' HOME" ) ♪ ♪ ♪
> Stephen: YO-YO MA EVER
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
♪ ♪ ♪