>> COULD GETTING A LOBSTER HIGH BE A MORE HUMANE WAY TO KILL IT? THAT'S WHAT BIOLOGY RESEARCHERS
ATTEMPTED TO FIND OUT WHEN THEY
PLACED LOBSTERS IN A T.H.C.
HOT BOX.
THE RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT
EXPOSING LOBSTERS TO CANNABIS.
BY ATMOSPHERIC EXPOSURE COULD
INDUCE BEHAVIORAL EFFECTS.
BUT THE BIGGER QUESTION OF
WHETHER THE WEED MAKES A
DIFFERENCE TO THE LOBSTER'S
STATE OF MIND, THAT'S STILL NOT
CLEAR.
>> IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO
STILL ISN'T CLEAR ABOUT WHAT
DOING DRUGS DOES?
OKAY, LAST TIME.
THIS IS YOUR LOBSTER.
THIS IS YOUR LOBSTER ON DRUGS.
>> HEY, MAN, THIS IS SO SWEET!
>> YEAH.
DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW
WE'LL DIE?
>> HIT BY A METEOR?
>> WHAT IF WE WERE BOILED ALIVE,
THEN ALL THE MEAT IN OUR BUTT
WAS RIPPED OUT WITH A TINY FORK
AND SERVED WITH BUTTER.
( LAUGHING )
>> DUDE, YOU'RE SO HIGH.
>> WHO'S HUNGRY?
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND PADMA LAKSHMI
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY. THERE YOU ARE. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AFTER 15 MONTHS OF FORCED
PANDEMIC ISOLATION, AMERICANS
ARE DESPERATE TO GET OUT OF THE
HOUSE AND DO ANYTHING-- GO TO A
RESTAURANT, ATTEND A BALLGAME,
DO YOUR LATE-NIGHT SHOW IN FRONT
OF A LIVE AUDIENCE.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
HOW MANY MORE?
TWO MORE?
THIS IS THE LAST WEDNESDAY?
THIS IS THE FINAL HUMP DAY!
( LAUGHTER )
TRYING TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT,
YOU KNOW.
TREASURE, TREASURE THESE
MOMENTS.
NO ONE IS MORE ANXIOUS TO GET
OUT AND DO STUFF THAN THE MAN
WHO WON THE PRESIDENCY FROM HIS
BASEMENT, JOE BIDEN.
THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT
EMBARKED ON AN EIGHT-DAY TRIP TO
EUROPE.
WELL, THAT'S FUN!
BIDEN'S GOING TO EURO!
HE'S GOING TO EURO, I JUST SAID!
HE'S GOING TO SEE THE SITES,
RIDE THE RAILS, COME BACK
SAYING WORDS LIKE "LORRY" AND
"ZED."
COMPLAPING ABOUT HOW BAD OUR BUT
ARE IS HERE.
AND, OF COURSE, SWITCHING FROM
DOUBLE FISTING ICE CREAM TO
DOUBLE FISTING GELATO.
THE TOUR STARTS IN THE U.K.,
WHERE BIDEN WILL SIT DOWN FOR A
MEETING WITH BORIS JOHNSON-- OR,
AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR
POLITICAL COUPLE NAME,
"BO-JO JO-BI."
THEY'RE THE HOTTEST
EUROPEAN-AMERICAN PAIR SINCE,
OB-ERKEL. WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS
OBAMA, ANGELA MERKLE, AND
STEVE URKEL.
BIDEN'S GOAL IS TO STRENGTHEN
AMERICA'S BONDS WITH EUROPE,
ESPECIALLY NATO.
BUT FIRST, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO
WIN OVER THE EUROPEAN LEADERS,
WHO HAVE GROWN WARY AFTER FOUR
YEARS OF A MORE-INSULAR APPROACH
FROM HIS PREDECESSOR.
COME ON, EUROPE!
YOU CAN'T JUDGE US.
YOU HAD FASCISTS.
WE HAD FASCISTS.
YOU HAVE RULERS THAT MARRY THEIR
COUSINS.
WE HAVE RUDY WHO MARRIED HIS
COUSIN.
YOU HAD NOSFERATU AND WE HAVE...
WE HAVE RUDY.
( LAUGHTER )
POTATO-POTAHTO.
THE PRESIDENT'S TRIP GOT OFF TO
A BIT OF A ROUGH START.
LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESS CHARTER PLANE WAS DELAYED
BY CICADAS.
THE FLYING INSECTS HAD FILLED
THE PLANE'S ENGINES.
HERE'S ONE JOURNALIST AFTER
GETTING THE NEWS:
>> GET OFF MY PLANE!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THE BUG DELAY LEFT
BIDEN'S AIDES SCRAMBLING FOR
ANOTHER WAY TO FERRY THE
REPORTERS OVERSEAS.
EVENTUALLY, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS
ABLE TO CALL IN A NEW PILOT.
BUT THE PLANE WAS DELAYED AGAIN
WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE PILOT WAS
ALSO A CICADA.
REPORTERS WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES
WHO HAD TO FACE THE SWARM ON
THEIR WAY TO EUROPE.
WHOA!
FORGET THE SECRET SERVICE.
THAT MAN NEEDS A SWAT TEAM.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> ONCE EVERY 17 YEARS SLAM!
>> Stephen: THE CICADAS ARE ALL
OVER D.C.
IN FACT, YESTERDAY, THE SWARM
CLOUD WAS SO DENSE THAT IT COULD
ACTUALLY BE SEEN CAPTURED ON
WEATHER RADAR.
NEVER A COMFORTING SIGN WHEN
YOUR WEATHER REPORT SOUNDS LIKE
THE BOOK OF REVELATION:
"WEDNESDAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
SWARMS OF LOCUSTS.
TOMORROW, RIVERS OF BLOOD.
FRIDAY, FIRE WILL RAIN FROM THE
HEAVENS, AND YOU'LL BE TRAMPLED
BY THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE
APOCALYPSE.
SO, PACK AN UMBRELLA.
OVER TO CHIP WITH SPORTS!
CHIP?"
>> THANKS, STEVE!
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING BIDEN
HOPES HIS TRIP GOES A TAD
SMOOTHER THAN THE ONE JUST
COMPLETED BY VICE PRESIDENT
KAMALA HARRIS, SEEN HERE
AVOIDING JOE MANCHIN BY
PRETENDING SHE'S HOLDING A
PHONE.
WHILE BIDEN IS OFF TO MEET WITH
EUROPEAN LEADERS, HARRIS JUST
GOT BACK FROM A TRIP TO CENTRAL
AMERICA.
SHE WENT THERE AFTER THE
PRESIDENT PUT HER IN CHARGE OF
THE BORDER CRISIS.
"ALL RIGHT, KIDDO.
LET'S DIVVY UP THESE
INTERNATIONAL TRIPS.
I'M GONNA GO EAT, PRAY,
LOVE ACROSS THE OLD COUNTRY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU HEAD SOUTH OF THE
BORDER, TRY TO SOLVE A
PROBLEM THAT NO PRESIDENT OF
EITHER PARTY HAS BEEN ABLE TO
HANDLE FOR DECADES?
TAKE IT EASY ON AIR FORCE TWO.
THAT THING IS CHOCK FULL OF
CICADAS.
DON'T FLOOD THE ENGINE, OKAY?
ONE OF MY PROPS JUST FELL DOWN
FOR LATER, A JOKE WE'RE DOING A
LITTLE BIT LATER.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TRIP DID NOT GO VERY
SMOOTHLY.
SMOOTHER THAN THAT JUST WENT FOR
ME.
THE ROCKIEST MOMENTS CAME WHEN
HARRIS TOLD GUATEMALAN MIGRANTS
BLUNTLY, "DO NOT COME," AFTER
WHICH SHE WAS BLASTED BY
PROGRESSIVES AND REPUBLICANS.
SO, BIPARTISANSHIP!
THEN, IN AN INTERVIEW WITH
LESTER HOLT, HARRIS STRUGGLED TO
ANSWER THIS SIMPLE QUESTION:
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO
VISIT THE BORDER?
>> AT SOME POINT, WE ARE GOING
TO THE BORDER.
WE HAVE BEEN TO THE BORDER,
SO THIS WHOLE-- THIS WHOLE--
THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT THE
BORDER, WE'VE BEEN TO THE
BORDER.
WE'VE BEEN TO THE BORDER.
>> YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE
BORDER.
>> AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TO EUROPE.
>> Stephen: "I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
EUROPE, LESTER-- JUST A RANDOM
EXAMPLE FOR NO REASON.
I HAVE NOT BEEN TO, I DON'T KNOW
ENGLAND, BRUSSELS, GENEVA, A
CUSHY MEETING WITH THE G7 IN
CORNWALL ON JUNE 11.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE
A SLICE OF PIZZA WITH THE QUEEN?
I SUPPOSE SHE EATS PIZZA, WHAT
WITH KING ARTHUR'S ROUNDTABLE."
THIS WAS NOT A GREAT ANSWER BY
HARRIS, BUT ALSO NOT A GREAT
QUESTION BY LESTER.
IF QUARANTINE TAUGHT US
ANYTHING, LESTER, IT'S THAT YOU
DON'T NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE IN
PERSON TO WORK ON IT.
THE V.P. MAY NOT HAVE VISITED
THE BORDER, BUT I'M SURE SHE'S
MAKING A LOT OF PROGRESS WITH IT
OVER ZOOM.
"BORDER, YOU'RE ON MUTE!"
REPUBLICANS ATTACKED HARRIS AND
CALLED ON HER TO GET A FIRSTHAND
LOOK AT THE BORDER.
YEAH, REPUBLICANS KNOW THAT'S
HOW YOU SOLVE ANY PROBLEM: YOU
GO THERE FOR A PHOTO OP.
IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAY: PICS OR
YOU DIDN'T FIX.
IN OTHER CENTRAL AMERICA NEWS,
EL SALVADOR JUST BECAME THE
FIRST COUNTRY TO APPROVE BITCOIN
AS LEGAL CURRENCY.
SO THEIR FINANCIAL SYSTEM SHOULD
BE ROCK SOLID, UNLESS ELON MUSK
TWEETS THEIR FLAG AND A FROWNY
FACE.
THIS MOVE "WILL MAKE THE CENTRAL
AMERICAN NATION THE FIRST IN THE
WORLD WHERE BUSINESSES WILL HAVE
TO ACCEPT BITCOIN FOR GOODS AND
SERVICES."
THAT COULD BE TOUGH, CONSIDERING
HOW MUCH THE VALUE OF BITCOIN
FLUCTUATES.
( AS SHOPKEEPER )
"OKAY, YOUR TOTAL COMES TO
5.75--
( BLING )
OOPS!
45,612--
( BLING )
LOOKS LIKE I OWE YOU A DOLLAR."
( LAUGHTER )
AT LEAST THE COUNTRY CAN REST
ASSURED THAT THIS MASSIVE
ECONOMIC DECISION WAS MADE BY
THE STEADY HAND THAT IS
EL SALVADOR'S PRESIDENT, NAYIB
BUKELE WHO, AFTER MAKING
THE ANNOUNCEMENT, CHANGED HIS
TWITTER PHOTO TO GIVE HIMSELF
BITCOIN LAZER EYES.
BECAUSE THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO
INSPIRE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR
COUNTRY'S FIAT CURRENCY THAN TO
GIVE YOURSELF MUTANT POWERS.
THAT'S WHY THE U.K.'S
20-POUND NOTE FEATURES QUEEN
ELIZABETH WITH ADAMANTIUM CLAWS.
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, WE'VE
GOT OUR OWN CONTROVERSIAL,
OVERVALUED RESOURCE:
BILLIONAIRES.
THERE'S A NEW REASON TO MAKE
THEIR SPACE TRIPS A ONE-WAY
TICKET: YOU SEE, NEWLY LEAKED
I.R.S. DATA SHOWS THAT THE 25
RICHEST AMERICANS, INCLUDING
JEFF BEZOS, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
AND ELON MUSK, PAID LITTLE TO
NOTHING IN FEDERAL INCOME
TAXES.
WELL, THAT SHOULD MAKE FILING
EASY.
INSTEAD OF ATTACHING THEIR W2s,
THEY JUST STAPLE ON A PICTURE OF
THEIR LILY-WHITE ASS AND TELL
THE I.R.S. TO KISS IT.
THIS IS PARTICULARLY GALLING
WHEN IT COMES O AMAZON C-E-EGG
JEFF BEZOS, WHO IN 2007, PAID
NOTHING IN FEDERAL INCOME TAXES,
EVEN AS HIS COMPANY'S STOCK
PRICE DOUBLED.
THAT IS AN OUTRAGE!
THE REVOLUTION STARTS TODAY!
OKAY, WE NEED PITCHFORKS AND
SOME BANNERS!
LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
WOW, FREE PRIME SHIPPING ON
SPIKED BASEBALL BATS.
OOOH, WHILE I'M ON HERE, I'M OUT
OF NESPRESSO PODS.
INSPIRATZIONE.
WHAT DO I ORDER?
WHAT'S THE PURPLE ONE?
OKAY, GOOD.
WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING JUST
HOW MUCH NOTHING DID THESE
BILLIONAIRES NOT PAY?
IT WAS $13.6 BILLION IN FEDERAL
INCOME TAXES DURING A PERIOD
WHEN THEIR COLLECTIVE NET WORTH
INCREASED BY $401 BILLION, WHICH
IS A TRUE TAX RATE OF 3.4%.
BUT, TO BE FAIR, THEY SPENT A
LOT OF THOSE SAVINGS ON
CHARITABLE WORKS, LIKE BUILDING
GIANT FLYING PENISES.
THE REASON THE ULTRA RICH CAN
DODGE THE I.R.S. IS BECAUSE OUR
GOVERNMENT PUTS AN EMPHASIS ON
TAXING LABOR INCOME VERSUS
WEALTH.
AND MUCH OF THE WEALTHY'S WEALTH
LIES IN THINGS LIKE VACATION
HOMES, YACHTS, AND SHARES IN
COMPANIES THEY RUN, WHICH AREN'T
CONSIDERED TAXABLE INCOME.
WHICH IS WHY SMART 8-YEARS-OLDS
ARE NOW DEMANDING THE TOOTH
FAIRY PAY THEM IN TESLA STOCK.
IN GLOBAL NEWS, YESTERDAY WAS
"WORLD OCEAN DAY," AND WE GOT A
BIG GIFT THIS YEAR, BECAUSE
"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC" RECOGNIZED
A NEW FIFTH OCEAN!
GREAT.
NOW WE'LL NEVER FIND NEMO!
LOOK, I'M SURE THIS IS
SCIENTIFICALLY IMPORTANT AND
ALL, BUT COME ON SCIENCE, DID WE
REALLY NEED A NEW OCEAN?
NOW I'M GOING TO FEEL OLD!
I DON'T WANT TO TELL MY
GRANDKIDS,
"I REMEMBER WHEN THERE WERE ONLY
FOUR OCEANS AND MOUNTAINS HAD
GLACIERS!
AND SOME OF DISNEYWORLD WAS
ABOVE WATER.
NOW HAND ME THE FEEDING TUBE.
IN THE FUTURE WE EAT OUT OF
TUBES IS WHAT I'M SELLING THERE.
SO WE GOT THE ATLANTIC, PACIFIC,
THE INDIAN, THE ARCTIC, AND NOW,
"THE SOUTHERN OCEAN."
FOR SOMETHING SO WET, THAT NAME
IS KIND OF DRY.
PLUS, THEY'RE MISSING A GREAT
SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITY HERE.
DADDY COULD GET HIS LIL' PENGUIN
BEAK WET BY SELLING OFF THE
NAMING RIGHTS!
MAKE IT "THE OCEAN SPRAY!" OR
"THE PEP-SEA"!
THE SOUTHERN OCEAN IS MADE UP OF
WHAT WERE PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS
THE LOWER-MOST PARTS OF THE
ATLANTIC, PACIFIC, AND INDIAN
OCEANS.
OKAY, THAT'S JUST A CLASSIC REAL
ESTATE MOVE.
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE PULLING.
"IT'S A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD AROUND
ANTARCTICA THAT IS IRONICALLY
VERY HOT THESE DAYS.
IT'S THE SOUTHERN OCEAN, BUT
WE'RE CALLING IT "SO-O.""
NOW THAT OUR NEW OCEAN IS
OFFICIAL, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
SAID THEY WOULD PUT IT ON ITS
MAPS AND GLOBES.
CLASSIC PLOY BY BIG GLOBE TO
PUSH PRODUCT.
SAME REASON THAT EAST AND WEST
GERMANY REUNITED.
NOW WE'VE ALL GOT TO BUY NEW
GLOBES AND THROW OUR OLD ONES IN
THE OCEAN-- I'M SORRY, THE NEW
OCEAN.
ANYWAY, IT IS A NEW OCEAN, AND I
WANT TO MAKE IT FEEL WELCOME
HERE ON EARTH, SO I GOT
IT A SEA-WARMING GIFT: THIS
EMPTY DASANI BOTTLE.
IT'S TO HELP YOU GET STARTED ON
YOUR GARBAGE PATCH.
AND THERE IT GOES!
BYE!
SEE YOU IN THE RIVER!
AND, OF COURSE, A PRICELESS
NECKLACE WITH A TRAGIC ROMANTIC
STORY ATTACHED TO IT.
♪ WHEREVER YOU ARE ♪
WE ALL REMEMBER A FEW YEARS BACK
WHEN FORMER NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN
ANTHONY WEINER WAS ROCKED BY A
TWITTER SCANDAL IN WHICH ANTHONY
SHOWED HIS WEINER.
IT WAS THE MOST ON-THE-NOSE
POLITICAL SEX SCANDAL SINCE THE
RESIGNATION OF NEW HAMPSHIRE
SENATOR "ALEXANDER
SHEEP-FONDLER."
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE OLD TONY
WEINER IS HARD UP FOR CASH,
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT HE
MAY SELL HIS INFAMOUS "CROTCH
SHOT" AS AN N.F.T.
NOW, N.F.T. STANDS FOR
"NON-FUNGIBLE TOKEN" AND NOT, AS
I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT,
"NON-FLOPPY TALLYWHACKER."
BASICALLY, WEINER IS HOPING THAT
HAVING EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO HIS
FAMOUS PHOTO WILL BRING IN TONS
OF CASH, WHICH MAKES SENSE.
BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER WAY YOU
COULD GET A PHOTO OF ANTHONY
WEINER'S JUNK IS TO BE A TEENAGE
GIRL ON TWITTER.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE PHOTO I WANT
TO TALK ABOUT.
NO, IT'S THE PHOTO THAT THE "NEW
YORK POST" RAN WITH THEIR STORY,
SHOWING ANTHONY WEINER IN A
T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "L.S.S.C.,"
WHICH STANDS FOR "THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"!
COME ON, ANTHONY!
CAN'T YOU WEAR ANY OTHER SHIRT?
OR EVEN WEAR NO SHIRT AT ALL!
WAIT A MINUTE.
JIM, CAN YOU ZOOM IN?
DAMMIT!
YOU GOT IT TATTOOED?
LOOK, ANTHONY, I KNOW YOU'RE
DOWN ON YOUR LUCK RIGHT NOW.
YOU WOULD BE ON "ONLYFANS" IF
YOU ONLY HAD FANS.
SO MAYBE YOU CAN'T AFFORD A
T-SHIRT, SO I'M GOING TO SEND
YOU A NEW ONE, OKAY.
THIS "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"
T-SHIRT, FREE OF CHARGE!
AND AS ALWAYS, ON THE BACK IT
SAYS, "THE OFFICIAL TALK SHOW OF
ANTHONY WEINER'S PENIS!"
( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE WELCOME, JIMMY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SAMUEL L. JACKSON
AND PADMA LAKSHMI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DO
VACCINES MAKE YOUR BLOOD
MAGNETIC?
THE ANSWER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU,
BUT I HOPE IT DOESN'T.
STICK AROUND!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
THANKS TO THE READILY-AVAILABLE
COVID VACCINE, AMERICANS ARE
BACK TO ENJOYING OUR FAVORITE
SUMMER SOCIAL ACTIVITIES: FAMILY
REUNIONS, POOL PARTIES, SHOVING
YOUR FAMILY IN THE POOL.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST
VAX FACTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "THE VAX-SCENE."
( SUNG TO THE PROCLAIMERS' "500
MILES" )
♪ WHEN WE POKE YA,
WELL WE KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE,
♪ YOU'REGONNA BE
SAFE FROM COVID INFECTING YOU
♪ WHEN YOU GO OUT,
YEAH, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HUG
♪ YOU'RE GONNA HUG,
AND NOT WORRY IT MIGHT KILL
YOU
♪ AND WE WILL SHOOT 500 VIALS
AND WE WILL STICK 500 MORE
♪ JUST TO BE THE VAX WHO SHOOTS
500 VIALS
♪ WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
GET PFIZER!
♪ MODERNA!
JOHNSON & JOHNSON!
♪ STOP CORONAAAA!
>> Stephen: NOW, WE'RE DAMN
CLOSE TO PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
GOAL OF 70% OF AMERICAN ADULTS
GETTING VACINATED BY JULY 4.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE NUMBER
OF DOSES BEING ADMINISTERED
DAILY IS ON A STEEP DECLINE.
COME ON, PEOPLE!
JUST GET THE SHOT!
IF I HAD TIME TO SPEAK DIRECTLY
TO EACH OF YOU ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION, I WOULD!
OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, I'M
SUPPOSED TO PASS ALONG A
MESSAGE:
"UNCLE JEFF, PLEASE GET THE
VACCINE.
OTHERWISE, YOU CAN'T COME TO MY
HEAD WRITER'S WEDDING!
THERE'S GONNA BE A SHRIMP
TOWER!"
ONE PROBLEM: ANTI-VAX THEORIES
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE TO
CRAZYTOWN, LIKE THE THEORY
PULLED FROM THE ASS OF SOMEONE
TESTIFYING BEFORE AN OHIO HEALTH
COMMITTEE HEARING NAMED
DR. SHERRI TENPENNY.
ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR
DOCTOR SOUNDS LIKE A DICKENS
CHARACTER.
( AS OLIVER TWIST )
"PLEASE, DR. TENPENNY, I'VE JUST
GOT A SPOT OF DROPSY.
DON'T TAKE ME LEGS."
( LAUGHTER )
DURING A HEARING ON A BILL THAT
WOULD BAN PRIVATE ENTITIES FROM
REQUIRING VACCINATIONS-- SEE YOU
MONDAY--
THE OHIO G.O.P. INVITED TENPENNY
TO OFFER THIS PENETRATING
ANALYSIS:
>> I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN THE
PICTURES ALL OVER THE INTERNET
OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD THESE
SHOTS, AND NOW THEY'RE
MAGNETIZED.
THEY CAN PUT A KEY ON THEIR
FOREHEAD.
IT STICKS.
THEY CAN PUT SPOONS AND FORKS
ALL OVER THEM, AND THEY CAN
STICK, BECAUSE NOW WE THINK THAT
THERE'S A METAL PIECE TO THAT.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!!
SHE'S RIGHT!
IT'S THE DREADED "THANKSGIVING
KIDS' TABLE SYNDROME."
AAAH!
MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS PERSON
ACTUALLY CALLS HERSELF A DOCTOR.
HER MED SCHOOL?
THE UNIVERSITY OF WOOLY WILLY!
GO, FIGHTIN' FILINGS!
THEN THEY OPENED THE FLOOR TO
THE MOST SCIENTIFIC RELIABLE
SOURCE: PEOPLE WITH TIME ON
THEIR HANDS TO COMMENT AT PUBLIC
HEARINGS.
AND TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY WAS
BACKED UP WITH A DRAMATIC
EXPERIMENT:
>> YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
DR. TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY, ABOUT
MAGNETIC VACCINE CRYSTALS.
SO THIS IS WHAT I FOUND OUT.
SO, I HAVE A KEY AND A BOBBY PIN
HERE.
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE KEY STICKS
TO ME.
IT STICKS TO MY NECK TOO.
SO, YEAH, IF SOMEBODY COULD
EXPLAIN THIS, THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.
ANY QUESTIONS?
>> Stephen: SO MANY QUESTIONS.
NONE OF THEM ABOUT THAT KEY,
THOUGH.
OF COURSE, THAT WASN'T THE BEST
EXAMPLE OF MAGNETISM.
BUT THE NEXT SPEAKER, A MAN
CALLED ERNEST, HAD AN ABSOLUTELY
STUNNING DEMONSTRATION.
♪ ♪ ♪
OF COURSE, NOW YOU KNOW THE
AUTHORITIES ARE GOING TO TRY TO
SILENCE HIM.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF
ERNEST GOES TO JAIL.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMUEL
L. JACKSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
MY FIRST GUEST HAS STARRED IN
NEARLY 150 MOVIES!
YOU KNOW HIM FROM "PULP
FICTION," THE MARVEL CINEMATIC
UNIVERSE, AND NOW, "THE
HITMAN'S WIFE'S BODYGUARD."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW," SAMUEL L. JACKSON!
HELLO, SAMUEL L.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
GLAD TO BE BACK.
HOW ARE THINGS?
>> Stephen: THINGS ARE GOOD,
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
WE HAVE NOT SEEN EACH OTHER
SINCE THE START OF COVID.
WE HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE THIS ALL
HIT.
>> IS THAT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: 15 MONTHS,
SOMETHING LIKE THE FALL, OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OF 2019.
NOW, YOU ARE ONE OF THE HARDEST
WORKING MEN IN SHOW BUSINESS, AS
I SAID, 150 MOVIES ALMOST.
YOU'RE TRAVELING ALL THE TIME,
ALWAYS PLAYING GOLF.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOURSELF
WHEN ALL OF THAT WAS NOT
AVAILABLE FOR A YEAR?
HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT?
>> INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, I DID A
LOT OF STUFF AT HOME IN MY
SCREENING ROOM.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I DID SOME VOICEOVERS.
I TRIED TO COMPLETE THIS
ANIMATED FILM THAT I'VE BEEN
DOING FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.
I DID ZOOM TELEVISION SERIES IN
LONDON WITH SOME GUYS.
AND I DID DO-- WE MANAGED
SOMEHOW TO GET THOSE CAPITOL ONE
COMMERCIALS DONE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> CHRISTMAS AND --
>> Stephen: SURE, YOU GOTTA
PAY THE BILLS.
>> AND THE THREE AMIGOS
COMMERCIAL.
WE GOT DONE SAFELY IN A WAY.
BUT I ACTUALLY SPENT A LOT OF
TIME AT HOME DISCOVERING MY
HOUSE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> WELL, I'M ALWAYS GONE, SO
THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT MY HOUSE
THAT I DID NOT KNOW.
>> Stephen: LIKE WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU LEARN THAT YOU
DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE?
>> I SPENT A LOT MORE TIME IN MY
BACKYARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS
SUPPORTING THIS, YOU KNOW, RICH
ECOSYSTEM IN MY BACKYARD.
>> Stephen: RACCOONS AND SUCH?
>> ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
IT'S LIKE TWO BIG TREES IN MY
BACKYARD, SO THEY'RE LIKE THESE
BIRD CONDOS, JUST ALL KINDS OF
BIRDS THAT LIVE IN THOSE TREES.
THERE ARE --
>> Stephen: THAT IS A
DESCRIPTION OF A TREE I NEVER
HEARD BEFORE.
IT'S A BIRD CONDO.
I LIKE THAT.
>> I DISCOVERED THE ECOSYSTEM
THAT WAS OUT THERE.
AND I SPENT A LOT MORE TIME IN
MY POOL THAN I HAD.
IT WAS SO HOT AND NICE.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WENT OUT,
I ASSUME YOU WORE THE MASK, LIKE
EVERYBODY UP ON THE, WHEN THAT
WAS REQUIRED?
>> I DIDN'T GO OUT UNTIL I CAME
HERE TO DO THIS JOB.
I'M IN ATLANTA.
YOU CAN SEE I'M ON THE SET.
I DIDN'T GO OUT FROM...
THE END OF FEBRUARY UNTIL I CAME
DOWN HERE AT THE END OF
FEBRUARY.
LITERALLY, A YEAR I SPENT IN MY
HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
CAN I ASK WHAT YOU'RE SHOOTING?
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
WHAT'S THAT SET?
>> I'M IN ATLANTA SHOOTING AN
APPLE LIMITED SERIES ENTITLED
"THE LAST DAYS OF IT, ALAMA
GRAY."
IT'S A WALTER MOSLEY NOVEL ABOUT
A 93-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH
ALZHEIMER'S WHO HAS AN
OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A MIRACLE
DRUG THAT WILL KILL HIM MORE
THAN LIKELY IN A WEEK, BUT IT
WILL GIVE HIM A WEEK TO GET
HIS...
GET HIS LIFE IN ORDER TO TAKE
CARE OF HIS FAMILY AND TO FIND
OUT SOME THINGS THAT HE'D
FORKNOTTEN IN HIS DEMENTIA FOR A
WEEK.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN IN SO MANY AMAZING AND
MEMORABLE MOVIES, I'M CURIOUS
WHAT FANS-- LIKE, WHAT LINES
FANS YELL AT YOU WHEN THEY SEE
YOU ON THE STREET.
LIKE--
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THE LINE IS
NOW?
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT?
>> "WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?"
( LAUGHTER )
OUT OF ALL THE MOVIES I'VE DONE
--
>> Stephen: THAT IS MARKET
PENETRATION.
THAT'S NICE.
>> "WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET."
AND I SAY, "MY WIFE'S HAND."
AND THAT'S THE END OF IT.
>> Stephen: "WHAT'S IN YOUR
WALLET?"
YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD
( BLEEP ).
>> THAT ONE, BUT, YES.
THEY NEVER ASK ABOUT THAT
ANYMORE.
THEY USED TO.
>> Stephen: I INDULGED A LOT
IN ESPRESSO MARTINIS, A LOT OF
PASTA, AND A LOT OF STREAMING TV
OVER COVID.
WHAT'S-- WHAT WAS YOUR
SOOTHING-- WHAT WAS YOUR SAFETY
BLANKET OF INDULGENCE OVER THE
LAST 15 MONTHS?
>> YEAH, STREAMING TV FOR SURE.
I WATCHED A LOT OF SHOWS.
I WATCHED A LOT OF THINGS I
PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE WATCHED.
I DISCOVERED SOME THINGS THAT,
YOU KNOW, I LIKED A LOT MORE
THAN, YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE
OTHER VIOLENT AND CRAZY THINGS
THAT I REALLY LIKE.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WATCHING
"GANGS OF LONDON."
I WATCHED IT A COUPLE OF TIMES
BECAUSE I LIKED IT SO MUCH.
OR THINGS LIKE, "ZERO, ZERO,
ZERO," WHICH IS CRIME DRAMA.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WATCH ANY
OF YOUR OWN STUFF?
DO YOU EVER WATCH SAM JACKSON
MOVIES?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SOME ACTORS JUST
CAN'T.
SOME ACTORS JUST WILL NOT WATCH
THEMSELVES.
>> SOME ACTORS LIE TO YOU ABOUT
THAT.
THEY WATCH THEIR MOVIES.
YOU KNOW, COME ON.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> IT'S A "WATCH ME" BUSINESS.
THAT'S WHY WE-- I GOT INTO
THIS-- I GOT IT INTO IT BECAUSE
I LOVE ACTING BUT WHEN I STARTED
DOING THEATER I ALWAYS WANTED TO
WATCH THE PLAYS I WAS IN BUT I
COULDN'T IT.
SO THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE STUFF
AND THEN WATCH IT, YES.
I WATCH IT.
IF I'M PASSING-- IF I'M CHANNEL
SURFING AND I HAVEN'T FOUND
ANYTHING I WANT TO WATCH OR NOT
SPECIFICALLY LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING AND I PASS SOMETHING
I'M IN, I WATCH IT.
>> Stephen: YOU STOP AT
"JURASSIC PARK" UNTIL YOU STOP
AT "HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS."
SPOILER, WELL, EVERYBODY LOVES
SAM JACKSON.
EVERYBODY SAMUEL L. JACKSON
MOVIES.
BUT I'M JUST CURIOUS WHAT ARE
SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S TOP-FIVE
SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOVIES?
>> OH... "LONG KISS GOOD NIGHT."
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> "A TIME TO KILL."
"JACKIE BROWN."
"RED VIOLIN."
AND "1 EIGHT SEVEN."
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOUR
TOP-FIVE MOVIES THAT CAN OR
CANNOT INCLUDE SAM JACKSON IN
IT?
>> "THE RAID."
"THE GODFATHER."
"HARD BOILED."
HMMM...
"HOODLUMS."
AND "THE BERLIN FILE."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK I WILL ASK SAMUEL L.
JACKSON ABOUT THE GROUP OF YOUNG
ACTORS HE KNEW AND WORKED WITH
WHEN HE WAS IN NEW YORK STARTING
OUT.
PEOPLE YOU MIGHT KNOW.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH AMERICA'S
SWEETHEART, SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
AS I SAID, EVERYBODY LOVES
SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
THAT'S NOT NEWS.
I'M NOT TELLING TALES OUT OF
SCHOOL WITH THAT ONE.
I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU LIKE.
WHO DO YOU LOOK AT AND SAY, "I
SEE A YOUNG ME IN THAT PERSON?"
>> OH, DEFINITELY JOHN DAVID
WASHINGTON.
WE HAVE BEEN KIND OF GROOMING
HIM FOR A WHILE, AND WE HAVE
KNOWN HIM FOR A LONG TIME, AND
J.D. IS ONE OF THOSE KIDS WHO
SAID WHEN HE WANTED TO ACT, EVEN
THOUGH HE HAD A FAMOUS FATHER WE
SAID YOU HAVE TO GO TO ACTING
SCHOOL, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS, YOU
HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT.
YOU HAVE TO READ THESE BOOKS.
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS THING.
YOU HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS.
AND HE TOOK IT TO HEART.
SO WE WERE-- ALL THE PEOPLE THAT
ARE-- THAT ARE IN HIS CAMP THAT
WANT HIM TO SUCCEED PUT HIM TO A
HARD TASK.
AND IT'S DIFFICULT ENOUGH BEING
WHO HE IS.
BUT WE MADE IT HARDER BECAUSE WE
APPLIED PRESSURE.
AND WE THINK THAT THOSE THINGS
HAVE PAID OFF.
HE HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A
WONDERFUL YOUNG ACTOR, AND WE
WANT HIM TO SUCCEED.
>> Stephen: YOU HUNG OUT WHEN
YOU WERE YOUNGER WITH DENZEL
WASHINGTON AND WESLEY SNIPES AND
THE THREE OF YOU HUNG OUT
TOGETHER IN NEW YORK, IF I'M
CORRECT ABOUT THIS.
>> WE'RE ALL TOGETHER.
THAT WAS A HUGE COMMUNITY OF US,
YOU KNOW.
IT WASN'T JUST DENZEL AND
WESLEY.
THAT WAS KNOW-- THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO-- WE ALL-- WE ALL SUCCEEDED
AT A DIFFERENT PACE.
IT'S LIKE DENZEL, YOU KNOW, LEFT
AND DID "ST. ELSEWHERE," AND
THEN BECAME A MOVIE STAR.
AND WESLEY LEFT AND BECAME A
HUGE BIG ACTION STAR FOR A WHILE
WITH STALLONE AND ALL THESE
OTHER GUYS.
AND THE REST OF US WERE TOILG IN
NEW YORK DOING THEATER AND ALL
OF A SUDDEN I DID "JUNGLE FEVER"
AND I ENTERED HOLLYWOOD.
THAT WAS MY ENTREE.
AND THERE WERE OTHER ACTORS THAT
STAYED AROUND.
AND THEN WE SEE NOW THERE ARE
PEOPLE LIKE JOHN CARLOS
ESPOSITO.
JOHN CARLOS HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS
AMAZING ACTOR.
AND WE SAY TO OURSELVES WHEN
WILL THAT BREAK HAPPEN FOR HIM?
AND HE DOES "BREAKING BAD," AND
GUS DOES THIS CHARACTER AND HE'S
EVERYWHERE.
AND JAMES PICKENS, THE HEAD OF
THE HOSPITAL ON-- ON-- ON--
WHAT'S THE HOSPITAL SHOW THAT'S
ON... BUT HE'S, YOU KNOW, VERY
FAMOUS, AND HE'S ON THAT SHOW.
BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF US THAT
TOILD AND TOILD,S , AND IT'S REY
GREAT TO SEE PEOPLE YOU WENT TO
AUDITIONS WITH, POOLED YOUR
MONEY AND BOUGHT FOOD WITH
BECAUSE YOU'RE BROKE, SUCCEED.
AND EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAPPEN AT
THE SAME TIME, BUT WHEN THEY
HAPPEN, THEY HAPPEN.
AND WE'RE VERY HAPPY TO SEE THAT
ALL OF US ARE NOW DOING THINGS
THAT PEOPLE CAN LOOK AT US OR
PEOPLE RECOGNIZE US IN DIFFERENT
PLACES AND GO, "YOU'RE THE GUY
FROM SO-AND-SO.
YOU'RE THE GUY FROM SO-AND-SO."
AND THAT NOBODY-- SOME PEOPLE
GET LEFT BEHIND, AND THERE ARE
STILL ACTORS THAT TOIL, THAT IS
ARE CHARACTER ACTORS THAT WE
SEE, BUT OUR FRIENDS WORK
BECAUSE WE CAME FROM A GROUP OF
PEOPLE WHO WORKED.
>> Stephen: I TELL YOUNG
PERFORMERS AND YOUNG COMEDIANS,
I SAY, "IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
SURVIVE, YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR
GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO, WHEN YOU'RE
YOUNGER AND WHEN YOU'RE STARTING
OFF, THAT YOU'LL LOVE EACH OTHER
FOR THE REST OF YOUR YEARS.
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL GOING TO NEED
EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT--
LITERALLY TO FEED EACH OTHER.
>> WHETHER YOU DO OR DON'T
SUCCEED, THERE'S STILL THAT
LOVE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU'RE IN A NEW MOVIE CALLED
"THE HITMAN'S WIFE'S BODYGUARD."
I HAD TO THINK OF WHERE THE WIFE
WENT IN THAT ONE.
IT'S "THE HITMAN'S WIFE'S
BODYGUARD."
TELL ME ABOUT THE MOVIE.
ARE YOU THE HIT MAN, WIFE OR
BODY GUARD.
>> I'M STILL THE HIT MAN.
I WAS THE HIT MAN IN THE
ORIGINAL FILM "THE HITMAN'S BODY
GUARD."
AND SALMA HAYEK WAS MY WIFE,
SONIA, WHO I WAS TRYING TO GET
TO THIS TRIAL TO TESTIFY SO THAT
THEY WOULD LET HER OUT OF JAIL.
SO NOW, SHE'S TRYING TO SAVE ME,
SO SHE HIRES RYAN REYNOLDS,
AGAIN, WHO WAS ESSENTIALLY MY
NEMESIS, BUT WE GET TOGETHER.
AND YOU'LL SEE I THINK FROM THIS
CLIP THAT I ASK HER NOT TO CALL
HIM, AND SHE DID.
>> Stephen: JIM.
.♪ ♪ ♪
♪ AND IN MY DREAMS
I'VE KISSED YOUR LIPS A THOUSAND
TIMES ♪
HANG ON.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
>> I BELIEVE IT'S PRONOUNCED
THANK YOU.
>> FOR WHAT?
>> FOR SAVING YOUR LIFE AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
>> YOU SAID, "BABY, GET ME
MICHAEL BRYCE."
WHAT?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I SAID, BABY I NEED HELP.
GET ANYONE BUT MICHAEL BRYCE.
>> WHAT?
>> HE IS THE MOST ANNOYING--
>> EXCUSE ME!
I HAVE 20-20 HEARING.
I CAN HEAR YOU.
THE DEAD GUYS CAN HEAR YOU.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU NEARLY
GOT ME KILLED?
>> NOT ENOUGH.
COME ON, BABY, LET'S GET OUT OF
HERE BEFORE HE STARTS THE
IN-FLIGHT SAFETY DEMONSTRATION.
>> Stephen: "THE HITMAN'S WIFE'S
BODY GUARD" WHAT YOU JUST SAW
THERE, WILL BE IN THEATERS NEXT
WEDNESDAY.
THE MAN IS SAMUEL L. JACKSON,
EVERYBODY.
SAMUEL, THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE ALDIENCES
COMING BACK NEXT WEEK.
>> Stephen: THANKS.
I HOPE WE CAN SEE YOU IN FRONT
OF A PACKED ED SULLIVAN THEATER
SOME TIME.
>> I'D LOVE TO DO IT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'L
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. MY NEXT GUEST IS A FOOD EXPERT
AND AUTHOR WHO HAS HOSTED "TOP
CHEF" FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.
HER LATEST SHOW, "TASTE THE
NATION," IS CURRENTLY FILMING
ITS SECOND SEASON.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW," PADMA LAHKSHMI!
PADMA, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
>> I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE IN
PERSON.
>> Stephen: WHAT PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW WE WERE GOING TO DO IT ON
THE ROOF BUT A GIANT STORM MOVED
THROUGH SO WE MOVED EVERYTHING
TO THE ACTUAL KITCHEN WE USE
HERE "THE LATE SHOW."
WE NEVER USED IT BEFORE.
THANK YOU FOR CHRISTENING IT.
>> LET'S GET STARTED.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE WE DOING?
AND WHAT ARE WE DRINKING?
>> LET'S CELEBRATE WITH A DRINK.
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE A WHITE
SANGRIA.
THIS IS VERY CHIC.
FIRST WE'RE GOING TO PUT FRUIT
IN HERE.
>> Stephen: MAY I?
>> YES, PLEASE DO.
>> THIS IS MANGO AND PINEAPPLE
AND KIWI.
YOU CAN USE ANY FRUIT YOU WANT.
WE HAVE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WHITE
WINE.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY OF YOUR
RESPIES START WITH, "ADD ENTIRE
BOTTLE OF WINE?"
>> NOT ENOUGH.
>> Stephen:
HOW OF THE IMPEACH LIQUOR?
>> NOT MUCH.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF SUGAR ALREADY
WITH THE FRUIT.
HERE'S A CUP RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: IT'S DONE.
I WASN'T SURE IF THAT WAS THE
COOKING OIL.
>> SWIRL THAT AROUND WITH YOUR
LONG SPOON, AND THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT THIS
TASTES LIKE WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY
CHILLED.
>> Stephen: CHEERS.
>> CHEERS, THANK YOU FOR HAVING
ME IN YOUR KITCHEN.
AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO START --
>> Stephen: THAT IS
REFRESHING.
IT REALLY IS.
>> THIS IS AN APPETIZER.
THIS IS SAW TODAY, CALAMARI THAT
WE'RE MAKING NOW.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND WE'RE GOING TO DO IT WITH
A TOMATO AND PARSLEY, IT'S
REALLY EASY.
BEFORE WE DO THE CALIMARI, I
WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW CALIMARI
ACTUALLY COMES.
SO THIS IS THE CALIMARI.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A BIG--
THAT IS A BIG PIECE OF SQUID.
>> YES, IT IS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SOME
ARK-I-TOOTHIS RIGHT THERE.
KIRK DOUGLAS FIGHTS THIS IN
"10,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA,"
I THINK.
HOW DO I CLEAN IT?
>> YOU WANT TO CLEAN THE FINS
OFF.
DON'T OPEN IT UP.
WE'RE JUST SLICING.
DO QRPT-INCH SLICES.
NOT THAT WAY!
> Stephen: I DIDN'T.
I WAS TAKING THE FIN OFF.
ARE YOU GOING TO YELL AT ME
THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING?
>> NO, I'M NOT.
INTO THIS BOWL WITH MORE RINGS.
AND WE'LL SOAK THIS IN MILK.
YOU WANT TO PORSOME MILK OVER
IT.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE SQUID
SOUP.
>> YES MIX IT UP.
>> Stephen: WITH MY FINGERS.
I FORGOT I WAS DOING A COOKIE
SEGMENT AND DID NOT WASH MY
HANDS.
THEY'RE CLEAN NOW.
THEY'RE MILK SCRUBBED.
>> I'LL MAKE YOU TASTE THAT ONE
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
WIPE YOUR HANDS WITH A DAMP
TOWEL.
TAKE A SMALL BATCH OF THE JUST
THE RINGS, NOT THAT OTHER STUFF.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE OTHER
STUFF?
>> THAT'S A LITTLE SQUID AND
STUFF WITH THE TENTACLES.
YOU WANT JUST THE RINGS.
SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, A
LITTLE BIT.
PUT IT OVER THERE.
AND YOU WILL PAT IT DRY.
>> Stephen: IS THAT ENOUGH?
>> THAT'S ENOUGH.
TO GET THE EXCESS --
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
>> I DO.
I HAVE AN 11-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
>> Stephen: DO YOU COOK WITH
HER?
>> YES, I DO.
I COOK ALL THE TIME WITH HER.
>> Stephen: DO YOU COOK WELL
TOGETHER WITH HER?
>> NOT REALLY, NO.
I MEAN, WE DO, BUT SHE WANTS TO
COOK ON HER OWN.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE
KITCHEN IT'S KIND OF A PAIN IN
THE ASS TO HAVE PADMA AS YOUR
MOM.
SO SHE LIKES TO COOK MORE WITH
OTHER PEOPLE.
SHE'LL COOK WITH ME, BUT SHE
JUST WANTS TO DO HER OWN THING.
>> Stephen: DOES THIS GO HERE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH TIME DO
WE HAVE HERE?
ENOUGH TO FRY SOME SQUID.
>> NOT MUCH TIME AT ALL.
YOU WANT TO TOSS IT AROUND LIKE
SHAKE AND BAKE.
>> Stephen: AND WE HELPED!
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
>> I DON'T.
>> Stephen: I'M OLDER THAN YOU
ARE.
>> YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
AGREE SO QUICKLY-- "YOU ARE.
YOU ARE."
>> ONCE YOU DO THAT, YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO TAKE THEM AND --
>> Stephen: OH!
YEAH!
>> PAN SAUTE THEM.
>> Stephen: MY FAMILY AND I DO
SOMETHING CALLED THE WORLD
CALIMARI TOUR, WHEREVER WE ARE
IN THE WORLD, WE WILL ORDER THE
FRIED CALIMARI.
WE KEEP A RATING SYSTEM GOING.
>> THIS SHOULD ONLY TAKE THREE
OR FOUR MINUTES.
>> Stephen: OH, GREAT.
>> THIS IS A HEALTHIER VERSION
AND MORE FRESH, HEALTHIER
VERSION THAN JUST, SAY, THE KIND
THAT'S SHROUDED IN BATTER AND
DEEP FRIED BECAUSE WE'RE SHALLOW
FRYING.
>> Stephen: IF IT'S THE
HEALTHIER VERSION.
I'M ON THE CALIMARI DIET.
>> CALIMARI IS VERY HEALTHY FOR
YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT MADE
OF?
THAT MUSCLE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S A SQUID.
>> Stephen: I KNOW, BUT WHAT
IS SCWILD MADE OF.
>> DUH!
>> Stephen: WHILE WE'RE
FRYING, LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING--
>> I'M GOING TO MAKE THE TOMATO
SALAD.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS "ATTEMPT "TE
NATION "?
>> IT IS A SHOW I HOST ON HULU,
IT'S ABOUT FOOD AND CULTURE,
IMMIGRANT FOOD IN AMERICA.
BUT IT'S A POLITICAL SHOW
MASQUERADING AS A FOOD SHOW.
THE FOOD IS JUST A TROJAN HORSE
TO TALK TO PEOPLE AND GET TO
KNOW THEM AND GET TO KNOW
AMERICAN FOOD.
IT'S ABOUT AMERICAN FOOD.
>> Stephen: CAN WE TASTE IS
NOW?
WILL.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: SHOULD I SQUEEZE
THIS LEMON ON HERE.
>> SQUEEZE SOME LEMON ON HERE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A SPECIFIC
WAY OF SQUEEZING LEMONS.
I LEARNED FROM A BARTENDER.
>> I'M SHOW YOU HOW YOU DO IT.
SHOW ME HOW YOU DO IT.
>> YOU DON'T CUT ACROSS LIKE
THIS.
YOU CUT LIKE THAT SO YOU--
>> THAT'S FANCY.
>> Stephen: IT JUICES REALLY
BEAUTIFULLY.
>> I ROLL MY LEMON, FIRST OF
ALL, TO GET A NICE --
>> Stephen: ROLL YOUR LEMON.
>> I ROLL MY LEMON AND THEN I
PEN INTEREST RATE IT.
>> Stephen: WHATEVER.
IT'S A LATE-NIGHT SHOW.
WE C S THAT ON CBS, CAN'T
WE?
"AND THEN SHE PEN TRAPTED MY
LEMON."
>> AND NO SEEDS OR PULP.
>> Stephen: MAY I?
>> YEAH, IT PROBABLY NEEDS A
PINCH OF SALT.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> HOW IS IT?
>> Stephen: THAT IS DELICIOUS.
>> THIS IS A BETTER BITE.
TAKE THIS BITE.
>> Stephen: THIS BITE?
>> RIGHT HERE.
HOW IS IT?
NOT TOO SPICY.
THAT'S RIGHT
>> Stephen: "TASTE THE NATION"
IS AVAILABLE ON HULU.
PADMA LAHKSHMI, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
CHEERS!
>> CHEERS!
>> Stephen: NO, MINE'S AN
ACTUAL KNIFE.
IENT TO HURT ANY
LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SETH ROGEN AND
AMBASSADOR SAMANTHA POWER.
IT'S OUR LAST SHOW IN THIS ROOM.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO DO A
LITTLE SLATE FOR OUR SOUND
EDITORS BECAUSE THE ZOOM DOESN'T
MATCH OUR LIPS VERY WELL.
IT GOES LIKE THIS, "STEPHEN
COLBERT, ONE, TWO, THREE."
IF YOU DO THE SAME THING WITH
YOUR NAME, NOT MINE, THAT WILL
BE RIGHT.
>> TORI SAMPSON, ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: I'D LIKE THAT AS
MY NEW RING TONE, PLEASE.