Captioning sponsored by CBS >> WE MOVE ON NOW TO MOUNTING CONFUSION ACROSS THE COUNTRY
FOLLOWING THE C.D.C.'S NEW
GUIDANCE THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE
FULLY VACCINATED CAN DITCH THE
MASK IN MOST SETTINGS.
AT LEAST 19 STATES NOW CHANGING
THEIR MASK MANDATES.
>> ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MANY ARE
STILL CONFUSED ABOUT THE NEW
GUIDELINES.
>> MASK UP OR NO MASK NECESSARY?
AMERICANS ARE QUITE SIMPLY
CONFUSED AFTER THE C.D.C.'S
ABRUPT CHANGE ON ITS MASK
GUIDANCE.
>> PEOPLE OF GOTHAM!
( SCREAMING )
>> ARE WE WEARING THE MASKS OR
NOT?
ANYONE ELSE HERE CONFUSED?
BATMAN, BEFORE YOU DIE, ARE WE
DOING THIS MASKS ON OR OFF?
>> IT'S SAFER WITH THE MASK ON.
>> BUT YOUR MASK DOESN'T EVEN
COVER YOUR MOUTH.
>> I'M FULLY VACCINATED.
>> SO WERE THE NEW YORK YANKEES,
AD LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
GREAT, YOU'VE DAMAGED MY MASK!
NOW ALL THE COVID IS GETTING IN.
>> DON'T WORRY.
WE'RE OUTSIDE.
>> OKAY, NOW WE'RE INSIDE.
NOW WHAT DO THE GUIDELINES SAY?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
THEY VARY STATE TO STATE.
>> YOU CAN'T KIDNAP ME, BANE!
THE AIRLINE HAS A STRICT COVID
POLICY AGAINST IT!
>> DON'T WORRY.
I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO KIDNAP
YOU SAFELY.
>> AAARRGGHH!
>> ARE YOU WATCHING, C.D.C.!
>> COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR
YOU.
MAYBE.
ARE THEATERS EVEN OPEN?
DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A MASK, OR
SIT EVERY OTHER SEAT?
JUST TELL US WHAT TO DO!
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
OUT OF COMMISSION.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
MORGAN FREEMAN
AND TIG NOTARO
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HELLO!
LOOK AT YOU!
HEY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WE BROADCAST THIS SHOW
FROM NEW YORK CITY, FROM A
STORAGE CLOSET IN THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER.
BUT THAT STORAGE CLOSET ITSELF
IS INSIDE A LARGE AREA I LIKE TO
CALL "REALITY"-- A PLACE OUR
REPUBLICAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS
HAVE CHOSEN TO NO LONGER
INHABIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
COMES TO THE 2020 ELECTION.
THEIR LIE THAT IT WAS STOLEN AND
THE INEVITABLE AFTERMATH: THE
JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT.
ONE REFUGEE FROM REALITY IS
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN
McCARTHY, SEEN HERE AUCTIONING
OFF HIS INTEGRITY.
TO INVESTIGATE THE CAPITOL RIOT,
NANCY PELOSI HAS, FOR MONTHS,
BEEN TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION, SIMILAR
TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION.
McCARTHY DEMANDED THAT
REPUBLICANS HAVE EQUAL
REPRESENTATION AND EQUAL ABILITY
TO SUBPOENA WITNESSES.
WELL, LAST WEEK, THE DEMOCRATS
SAID, OKAY.
AND TODAY, KEVIN McCARTHY
ANNOUNCED THAT HE OPPOSES A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION ON THE
CAPITOL RIOT.
THERE YOU GO.
MOTTO FOR 9/11 WAS "NEVER
FORGET."
FOR JANUARY 6, THE G.O.P.'S
GOING WITH "FUGGEDABOUTIT."
MAKE NO MISTAKE, McCARTHY
OPPOSES THIS COMMISSION BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO
FIND.
THE CAPITOL RIOT WAS PERPETRATED
BY HIS PARTY'S FOLLOWERS AT THE
BEHEST OF A PRESIDENT HE
SUPPORTED, BASED ON AN ELECTION
LIE McCARTHY HIMSELF HELPED
SPREAD.
IT'S THE SAME REASON I OPPOSED
MY WIFE'S BIPARTISAN COMMISSION
ON WHO ATE THE LAST SLICE OF
PIZZA.
EVIE, IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO
MOVE ON.
AND ORDER ANOTHER PIZZA.
ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS
-- I'M NOT GOING TO PITCH IN
BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
EAT ANY.
ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS
AGAINST THIS IS THAT HE COULD
POTENTIALLY BE CALLED AS A
WITNESS, BECAUSE ON JANUARY 6,
McCARTHY CALLED PRESIDENT SWEET
'N SAURON AND BEGGED HIM TO CALL
OFF THE MAGA MOB, BUT INSTEAD,
THE PREZ REPLIED, "WELL, KEVIN,
I GUESS THESE PEOPLE ARE MORE
UPSET ABOUT THE ELECTION THAN
YOU ARE."
YET, McCARTHY STILL DEFENDS HIM.
FORGET THE RIOT.
WE NEED A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION
TO FIND KEVIN'S BALLS.
OBVIOUSLY, McCARTHY CAN'T JUST
ISSUE AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT THAT
SAYS, "I HEART THE COUP."
SO INSTEAD, HE CAME UP WITH A
BUNCH OF BOGUS EXCUSES WHY HIS
OPPOSITION WAS ALL NANCY
PELOSI'S FAULT, LIKE FOR MONTHS,
THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE REFUSED
TO NEGOTIATE IN GOOD FAITH, AND
"WHILE THE SPEAKER HAS WASTED
TIME PLAYING POLITICAL GAMES..."
YES, POLITICAL GAMES.
PELOSI'S PLAYING CHESS WHILE THE
G.O.P. IS PLAYING A DANGEROUS
GAME OF "NAHTZEE."
BUT McCARTHY'S CORE PRETEND
REASON FOR OPPOSING THE
INVESTIGATION IS THAT THE
COMMISSION IGNORES THE POLITICAL
VIOLENCE THAT HAS STRUCK
AMERICAN CITIES-- A REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSIONAL BASEBALL PRACTICE,
AND, MOST RECENTLY, THE DEADLY
ATTACK ON CAPITOL POLICE ON
APRIL 2, 2021.
SURE, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T
INVESTIGATE ONE CRIME WITHOUT
INVESTIGATING EVERY OTHER CRIME.
IT'S THE PREMISE OF THE NEW DICK
WOLF SERIES, "LAW & ORDER:
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE."
( DUN-DUN )
NOT AS LONG AS THAT SOUND EFFECT
TOOK, BUT STILL A LONG TIME.
McCARTHY'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S DECIDING TO FORGET HOW HE
FELT ON JANUARY 6.
SO IS GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN AND
MAN WHOSE SMILE IS CLINICALLY
DEPRESSED, ANDREW CLYDE.
LAST WEEK, CLYDE SAID THIS ABOUT
CAPITOL RIOTERS:
>> WATCHING THE TV FOOTAGE OF
THOSE WHO ENTERED THE CAPITOL
AND WALKED THROUGH STATUARY
HALL, SHOWED PEOPLE IN AN
ORDERLY FASHION STAYING BETWEEN
THE STANCHIONS AND ROPES, TAKING
VIDEOS AND PICTURES.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE
TV FOOTAGE WAS A VIDEO FROM
JANUARY THE 6th, YOU WOULD
ACTUALLY THINK IT WAS A NORMAL
TOURIST VISIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY...
BUT NOW A COUPLE PICTURES ON
JANUARY 6 HAVE SURFACED.
ONE SHOWS THE CONGRESSMAN
BARRICADING THE DOOR OF THE
HOUSE CHAMBER, AND ANOTHER SHOWS
HIS TERRIFIED REACTION.
BUT THAT COULD STILL BE A
PICTURE OF A TOUR GUIDE.
( AS PANICKED TOUR GUIDE )
"THE GIFT SHOP'S THAT WAY!
BUY A MAGNET FOR YOUR GRANDMA!
WE'RE WALKING, AND WE'RE
WALKING."
NOWHERE HAVE REPUBLICANS HELD ON
TO THE BIG LIE MORE FERVENTLY
THAN THE GREAT STATE OF ARIZONA,
WHERE STATE SENATE REPUBLICANS
HIRED A FIRM CALLED CYBER NINJAS
TO DO A NON-OFFICIAL AUDIT OF
MARICOPA COUNTY.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE CYBER
NINJAS CONDUCTED A FORENSIC
ANALYSIS OF BALLOTS TO DETERMINE
IF THE PAPER WAS MADE OF BAMBOO,
IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR
NOT IT CAME FROM CHINA.
OF COURSE, ALL PAPER FROM CHINA
IS MADE OF BAMBOO, JUST LIKE ALL
THE NEWSPAPERS IN ITALY ARE
PRINTED ON PROSCIUTTO.
BUT NOW, EVEN REPUBLICANS IN
ARIZONA ARE ASKING TO GET OFF
THE CRAZY TRAIN, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE
REPUBLICAN-DOMINATED MARICOPA
COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS
DENOUNCED AN ONGOING AUDIT OF
THE 2020 ELECTION VOTE AS A
"SHAM" AND A "CON."
IT'S THE BIGGEST CON TO COME OUT
OF ARIZONA SINCE THEY STARTED
SAYING, "BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT."
OKAY, IT'S STILL 113 DEGREES
OUT, WHICH MEANS IT GETS PLENTY
HUMID AROUND MY "FLAGSTAFF," IF
YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
AND MY WHIFF.
WHAT PUT THE ARIZONA G.O.P. OVER
THE EDGE?
WELL, IT MAY BE THE LATEST
CONSPIRACY THEORY, WHICH IS--
AND STICK WITH ME HERE-- THAT IN
THE 2020 ELECTION, STATE
ELECTION OFFICIALS SHREDDED
THEIR BALLOTS AND FED THEM TO
CHICKENS.
THAT'S RIGHT, CHICKENS.
LOOKS LIKE THIS IS A CASE,
OF FOWL PLAY.
( OPENING SCREAM FROM THE WHO'S
"WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN." )
OKAY.
MAYBE THAT'S THE LAST TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY.
TO RECAP: THE DEMOCRATS FED
THE BALLOTS TO CHICKENS.
PERFECT CRIME, RIGHT?
WRONG.
IT GETS "PERFECTER."
BECAUSE THE CHICKENS MIGHT
SQUAWK.
THE CONSPIRACY THEORY SAYS THAT
AFTER THEY FED THE BALLOTS TO
THE CHICKENS, THE OFFICIALS THEN
HAD THE CHICKENS INCINERATED TO
COVER UP THE EVIDENCE.
THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
YOU CAN'T JUST BURN PAPER.
YOU NEED AN ACCELERANT, LIKE
CHICKEN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE OLD JOKE:
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD?
BECAUSE THERE WAS A FURNACE ON
THE OTHER SIDE, AND HE'D JUST
EATEN A BUNCH OF BALLOTS AND WAS
HELPING THE DEMOCRATS COVER UP
THEIR CRIME.
THE CHICKEN-BURNERS AREN'T THE
ONLY WHACKJOBS OUT THERE
PROMOTING ELECTION
CONSPIRACIES
LAST WEEK, A GROUP OF
FORMER U.S. MILITARY LEADERS
SIGNED A BIZARRE OPEN LETTER
PUSHING ELECTION LIES.
THAT'S KIND OF SPOOKY.
MILITARY GUYS PUTTING OUT A
LETTER SAYING THE ELECTION WAS
STOLEN IS THE KIND OF THING THAT
HAPPENS RIGHT BEFORE THE JUNTA
STARTS BUYING MIRRORED
SUNGLASSES.
BUT AS SHOCKING AS THIS LETTER
IS, WAS AM-- I WAS HEARTENED BY
THE NAME OF ONE FORMER MILITARY
PATRIOT WHO SIGNED THE LETTER:
REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF.
JACK MEEHOFF IS A TRUE AMERICAN
HERO WHO SERVED BRAVELY IN
SEVERAL SOLO MISSIONS WHERE HE
BEAT OFF THE ENEMY
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
WE ALL REMEMBER HIS HEROICS IN
THE BATTLE OF STROKE-INAWA.
( LAUGHTER )
LOST A LOT OF GOOD SEAMEN THAT
DAY.
HE WAS AWARDED THE PURPLE
HARD-ON, AT WHICH POINT, HE
WASN'T HONORABLY DISCHARGED.
HE WAS FULLY RELEASED.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE.
JACK MEEHOFF IS, I AM JUST NOW
REALIZING, A MADE-UP NAME
SUBMITTED BY SOMEONE TRYING TO
PRANK THESE STUPID RETIRED
FASCISTS.
BUT THEY DIDN'T CATCH ON.
INSTEAD, THEY PUBLISHED THE NAME
AFTER RESPONDING, "THANK YOU FOR
YOUR SUPPORT.
YOUR NAME WILL BE ADDED TO THE
LETTER TODAY.
THANK YOU FOR STANDING TALL."
YES, REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF
STANDS TALL, ESPECIALLY IF HE
TAKES A CERTAIN MEDICATION THREE
TO FIVE HOURS BEFORE HE THINKS
HE MIGHT NEED TO SALUTE.
AND THIS HERO IS FOLLOWING THE
FOOTSTEPS OF GREAT AMERICAN
PRANKSTERS.
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
IS FULL OF SIGNATURES LIKE
BEECHER MEET,
FINGER BLASTER.
AND, OF COURSE, JOHN HANCOCK.
I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO CALL ON ALL MEMBERS OF THE
MILITARY, WHETHER YOU'RE
CURRENTLY IN ACTION OR HAVING
SOME ORANGE JUICE BEFORE YOUR
NEXT CALL OF DUTY, TO SIGN THIS
LETTER USING YOUR DEFINITELY
REAL NAME:
I'M TALKING TO YOU...
MAJOR HARDEN
CAPTAIN LUKE ATDESEBALLS
SERGEANT RUBEN JUAN OUTT
( LAUGHTER )
COLONEL ANNE L. BEADS
PRIVATE WILLY TUGGER
AND, OF COURSE, FIELD MARSHALL
BUTT STUFF.
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SELF-SERVICE.
EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN
TOURED A FORD FACTORY THAT IS
MAKING ELECTRIC VEHICLES.
AND AFTERWARDS, HE FINAGLED
HIMSELF A RIDE IN THE BRAND-NEW,
NOT-YET-RELEASED ALL-ELECTRIC
FORD F-150.
>> NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY
HAS A STOPWATCH, BUT I THINK IF
WE'RE GOING ZERO TO 60 IN ABOUT
4.3, 4.4?
I'M JUST GONNA STEP ON IT, AND
I'LL COME OFF AT 80 MILES AN
HOUR.
YOU'LL SEE WHAT IT IS, OKAY?
OKAY, HERE WE GO?
ARE YOU READY?
>> SEE YOU, SIR!
>> ARE YOU READY?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS COOL.
NORMALLY, THE ONLY ELECTRIC-
POWERED VEHICLE SOMEONE OF HIS
AGE IS PILOTING IS A JAZZY AT
THE CASINO.
NOW THE AVIATOR GLASSES MAKE
A LITTLE MORE SENSE.
HE REALLY PUNCHED IT, UNLIKE THE
LAST GUY, WHO WAS CONTENT MAKING
VROOM-VROOM NOISES.
IN COVID NEWS, THERE'S LESS AND
LESS COVID NEWS, BECAUSE THANKS
TO VACCINES, U.S. WEEKLY DEATHS
FROM COVID HAVE FALLEN TO THE
LOWEST RATES IN 14 MONTHS.
YES!
SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE, AND IT IS
FINALLY SAFE TO DRINK A SIX-PACK
AND SET OFF SOME FIREWORKS FROM
OUR SEA-DOO.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE
LATEST FREEDOMS IN TONIGHT'S
"THE VAX-SCENE."
( OPERATIC SINGING )
♪ GET YOUR VACCINE-AH
DON'T BE A WEINER
♪ IT ATTACKS THE SPIKE
PROTEIN-AH
♪ SO GO GET YOUR VACCINE-AH ♪
( GLASS BREAKING )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LAST WEEK, THE
C.D.C. ANNOUNCED THAT VACCINATED
FOLKS CAN HANG OUT INDOORS IN
THEIR BIRTHDAY FACES, BUCK TOOTH
NAKED.
AND NOW STATES ARE CHANGING
THEIR RULES, LIKE HERE IN THE
BIG APPLE.
TOMORROW, NEW YORK WILL END MOST
MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR VACCINATED
PEOPLE.
>> WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO LIFE
AND LIVING, AND WE HAVE TO DO IT
THE WAY NEW YORKERS DO IT.
>> Stephen: YES, NEW YORK
LIVIN': CRAMMED TOGETHER ON THE
SUBWAY, FEELING A STRANGER'S
HAND BRUSH YOUR BUTT, THEN
TURNING AROUND TO SEE THAT IT
WAS JUST GOVERNOR CUOMO.
( LAUGHTER )
INDIVIDUAL RETAILERS ARE MAKING
TEIR OWN DECISIONS.
SOME ARE LIFTING MASK MANDATES,
LIKE HOME DEPOT, TARGET,
WALMART, AND STARBUCKS.
WOW, STARBUCKS WILL NO LONGER
REQUIRE MASKS?
THAT IS HUGE!
I'M SORRY, THAT IS VENTI.
BUT SOME STORES STILL WANT YOU
TO MASK, LIKE WALGREENS,
RITE AID, HOMEGOODS, AND TJMAXX.
I'M SURPRISED ABOUT TJMAXX.
THAT'S PRETTY RESTRAINED
BEHAVIOR FOR A STORE THAT SELLS
THROW PILLOWS AND OFF-BRAND
SALSA ON THE SAME SHELF.
( LAUGHTER )
SO, SOME STORES REQUIRE A MASK,
SOME DON'T.
SOME STATES HAVE MASK MANDATES,
OTHERS DON'T.
IT GETS PRETTY CONFUSING, SO
HERE'S AN EASY MNEMONIC DEVICE
TO REMEMBER WHICH STATES HAVE
RECENTLY RELAXED THEIR MASK
POLICIES.
OKAY, HERE THEY ARE.
AND HERE'S HOW TO REMEMBER THEM:
WHY
IS
PIZZA
VERY
DELICIOUS
CHRIS?
CALORIES?
MMMM
NUH-NUH-NO.
O.
KAY!
YAY!
OF COURSE, THE "Y" IN YAY STANDS
FOR "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CONSULT
MASK POLICY SIGNAGE AT LOCAL
RETAILERS."
NOW, WHILE THE ECONOMY IS
BOUNCING BACK, SOME BUSINESSES
ARE FINDING IT HARDER THAN
OTHERS-- SPECIFICALLY,
PAY-PER-VIEW BOOTY, BECAUSE
STRIPPERS ARE BACK ON THE JOB,
BUT OVID RULES ARE HURTING
THEIR PAY.
THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
WE NEED TO SUPPORT OUR
FRONT-LINE TWERKERS.
LET'S CLAP FOR THEM AT 7:00 P.M.
AFTER ALL, THEY MAKE IT CLAP
FOR US.
BECAUSE OF SOCIAL DISTANCING,
STRIP CLUB CROWDS ARE THINNED
OUT, PROMPTING ONE STRIPPER TO
SAY, "IT'S JUST NOT FUN
ANYMORE."
THAT BREAKS MY HEART.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY
WHEN STRIP CLUBS WOULD BE
DEPRESSING.
DANCERS ARE SEEING LESS CASH
BECAUSE PREMIUM STRIP-SPERIENCES
ARE STILL PROHIBITED, LIKE
V.I.P. ROOMS AND LAP DANCES.
SUCH A SHAME.
AFTER 14 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE,
AMERICANS' BODIES ARE MOSTLY
LAP.
BUT EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GET A LAP
DANCE, THERE ARE STILL OTHER
REASONS TO HIT THE "CLURRB,"
BECAUSE IN NEVADA, THEY'VE
ANNOUNCED SOME VEGAS STRIP CLUBS
WILL BE OFFERING VACCINES--
SPECIFICALLY, LARRY FLYNT'S
HUSTLER CLUB WILL OFFER
VACCINATIONS ON FRIDAY, MAY 21,
FROM 4:00 P.M. TO 7:00 P.M.
THAT'S RIGHT, 4:00 P.M.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY,
YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOVED ONES,
"WELL, I'M OFF TO THE STRIP CLUB
IN DAYTIME, BECAUSE I'M ACTING
RESPONSIBLY."
LAUGH
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MORGAN FREEMAN AND
TIG NOTARO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE."
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE JUST DANCING HERE AT "THE
LATE SHOW" SHOW.
WELCOME BACK.
YOU KNOW WHO LAYS DOWN THE DANCE
TRACKS HARDER THAN ANYBODY I
KNOW, MR. JON BATISTE.
SAY HELLO TO JON.
JON, I HOPE YOU HAVE SOME PIANO
MOVERS BECAUSE WE'RE MOVING THAT
DAMN THING BACK TO THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, RIGHT QUICK.
IF I HAVE TO COME DOWN THERE
MYSELF AND SUPLEX IT--
>> Jon: IT'S GOT A LOT OF
WEIGHT TO IT.
YOU WILL HAVE TO GET IN THERE.
>> Stephen: CHECK OUT THE AN
KOND AS, BABY.
WHAT'S THE LOWEST STRING?
>> Jon: THE LOWEST IS "A."
>> Stephen: I'LL GRAB IS BY
THE "A" AND DRAG IT LIKE A LEASH
ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE ED
SULLIVAN.
WHEN ARERY GETTING BACK IN?
WHEN ARE WE GETTING BACK IN.
>> SOON.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A
PREDICTION WHEN IT WILL BE.
>> SOON.
>> Stephen: WHEN THEY LET US.
AND I WANT TO SAY I KNOW WE HAVE
OUR FUN MAKING JOKES ABOUT MAYOR
DE BLASIO, AND WHAT A DISASTER
HE IS, AND GOVERNOR CUOMO AND
HOW HE'S UNCLE "TOUCH TOO MUCH."
BUT IT'S ALL JUST JOKES, GUYS.
WE REALLY NEED YOUR PERMISSION
TO GET BACK TO THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER, AND, OBVIOUSLY, I'M
JUST DOING MY JOB, OKAY?
THANKS.
>> Jon: THAT'S IT.
>> Stephen: LOVE YOU.
JON, JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO CELEBRATE THE SUMMER THAT IS
COMING AT US LIKE A-- LIKE A
HAPPY TRAIN?
ANY MUSIC?
>> Jon: U.A.E., LET ME PLAY A
LITTLE THING...
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: LIKE A GENTLE
SPRING RAIN.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY
MAINTAINING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL STORY YACHT, CHARTING
THE BEST NEWS ROUTES AND
PINPOINTING THE EXACT LOCATIONS
OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR LANDMARK
EVENTS, ALL TO DESIGN THE
ULTIMATE ADVENTURER'S NILE RIVER
CRUISE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP BY THE
EAST RIVER HOLDING A MEGAPHONE
AND A SHIV, SCRAPE TOGETHER A
RAFT OUT OF A BROKEN BOOGIE
BOARD AND SOME EMPTY CANS OF
GASOLINE, THEN CHARGE
OUT-OF-TOWNERS 40 BUCKS A HEAD
TO GIVE 'EM A TOUR OF SUPERFUND
SITES IN THE LAWSUIT-PROVOKING
DEATH DINGHY OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MAKERS OF
EXPENSIVE JAPANESE TOASTERS ARE
GETTING INTO THE SMARTPHONE
BUSINESS.
IT'S THE PERFECT PHONE FOR
EVERYONE WHO'S SAID, "I WISH
THIS WOULD OVERHEAT MORE."
WE KNOW THE PHONE WILL BE A 5G
HANDSET, BUT NOT MUCH MORE,
BECAUSE THE COMPANY HASN'T
ANNOUNCED MANY DETAILS YET.
OOOH, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY'RE
ALL TOP-SECRET PROPRIETARY I.P.
WHICH CAN CHANGE THE LANDSCAPE
OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS AS WE
KNOW IT.
OR-- AND STAY WITH ME HERE--
MAYBE A TOASTER COMPANY DOESN'T
KNOW HOW THE ( BLEEP ) TO MAKE
PHONES.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN ALL-GLASS
ELEVATOR WILL SOON OFFER PEOPLE
VIEWS OF NEW YORK FROM 1,200
FEET ABOVE THE CITY, AND THE
BUILDING WILL ALSO HAVE A
COLLECTION OF TRANSPARENT GLASS
BOXES THAT JUT OUT OF THE TOWER.
TAKE A LOOK.
WOW!
KEEP IN MIND, MOST OF THE TIME,
THAT VIEW WILL BE OBSCURED BY A
LAYER OF VOMIT.
( LAUGHTER )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WORDS I
NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY IN
THIS ORDER, MAMMALS CAN BREATHE
THROUGH THEIR ANUSES IN
EMERGENCIES, A JAPANESE STUDY
HAS FOUND.
SOUNDS LIKE THEY YANKED THAT
STUDY RIGHT OUT OF THEIR OLD
BREATHE HOLE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A WOMAN WAS
HIT IN FACE WITH 10-POUND "LOG
OF PREPACKAGED MEAT" DURING A
FIGHT AT WALMART.
SUCKS FOR THAT LADY, BUT GREAT
NEWS FOR ANYONE LOOKING FOR A
MEAT LOG ON CLEARANCE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
NEW W.H.O. STUDY, OVERWORKING IS
A MAJOR KILLER WORLDWIDE.
LET ME FIX THAT HEADLINE FOR
YOU.
"EVERYONE DYING FROM THING
EVERYONE DOES."
ACCORDING TO THE W.H.O.,
OVERWORKING CAUSES STRESS, WHICH
CAN LEAD TO OTHER BEHAVIORS,
LIKE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP OR
EXERCISE.
YES, WORK IS THE REASON I DON'T
EXERCISE.
DARN YOU, WORK!
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME NOT LIFT
WEIGHTS AND INSTEAD REWATCH
"SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD
LAST" NIGHT?
ALLISON PILL IS GREAT.
WHY DOESN'T SHE WORK MORE?
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN AN EXCITING
DEVELOPMENT FOR SPECIES
PRESERVATION, SCIENTISTS HAVE
BEEN ABLE TO USE ARTIFICIAL
INSEMINATION TO BRING 97 BABY
SHARKS BACK TO LIFE.
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD WE HAVE
VIDEO OF THE LEAD
RESEARCHER MAKING THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE
ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM SO MANY OF YOUR
FAVORITE MOVIES LIKE "THE
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION," "THE DARK
KNIGHT," "MILLION DOLLAR BABY,"
AND MORE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW,MR. MORGAN FREEMAN.
CD FREE, WHAT A PLEASURE.
YES, SIR.
>> IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE YOU,
STEPHEN.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I MEAN, UP
CLOSE AND PERSONAL.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME-- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON IN A
LITTLE BIT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I SPOKE
TO YOU SINCE THE PANDEMIC HIT.
YOU'RE LOOKING HALE.
YOU'RE LOOKING HARDY.
HHOW HAS IT BEEN FOR YOU?
>> IT'S BEEN TERRIFIC.
I HATE TO SAY THAT, BUT IT'S
REALLY BEEN TERRIFIC.
MY LADY AND I HAVE BEEN NESTLED
DOWN HERE ON THE GULF COAST,
ISOLATED TO THE NINES, AND
HAVING A GOOD TIME SOAP THIS
WHOLE THING HAS GONE VERY
QUICKLY, AND I HAVE NOT
SUFFERED.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURPRISED
YOU'RE DOWN ON THE GULF COAST,
BECAUSE I JUST LEARNED THAT I
DID NOT KNOW ABOUT YOU THAT A
LOT OF PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T
KNOW, THAT YOU'RE AN AVID
SAILOR.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AS A
YOUNG MORGAN FREEMAN, ABOUT TO
ACCEPT THE TO SEA IN A LEATHER
JACKET, WHICH I FIND DARING AT
SEA.
HOW DID YOU GET STARTED SAILING?
>> OH, 1967 I WAS WORKING IN
STOWE, VERMONT.
AND THE GUY WAS THE HEAD OF
STOWE PREP CAME INTO THE HOUSE I
WAS IN ONE MORNING AND SAID,
"YOU WANT TO GO SAILING?"
I WAS WITH A COUPLE OF FRIENDS.
AND WE SAID, "SURE."
NEVER SAILED BEFORE, BUT WHAT
THE HECK.
AND THAT WAS IT.
HE TOOK US OUT TO THIS LITTLE
RESERVOIR, PUT US ON A LITTLE
19-FOOT BOAT, AND SAID, "HAVE
YOU EVER SAILED BEFORE?"
"NOPE."
HE SAID, "YOU'LL GET THE HANG OF
IT.
ING THIS THE JIG, THIS IS THE
MAIN SAIL.
"IT'S EASY, YOU'LL GET IT."
SO WE SPENT THE DAY IN THAT
LITTLE RESERVOIR PUSHING THAT
LITTLE BOAT OFF OF SANDBARS AND
GETTING THE MAST THING UP AND
UNTANGLED FROM TREES.
BUT I WAS HOOKED, TOTALLY.
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T DONE A
LOT OF SAILING, BUT I'VE DONE--
I'VE DONE SOME VERY BIG SAILS.
I'VE DONE SOME OPEN-OCEAN
RACING.
HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU DONE-- HAVE
YOU DONE, LIKE, BIG-OCEAN
SAILING?
>> OH, YEAH.
NOT RACING.
MY RACING WAS ALWAYS AROUND THE
BUOYS WE WOULD DO ON THE
WEEKENDS.
YEAH, MY FIRST OCEAN VOYAGE WAS
IN MY 30-FOOT SLOOP.
WE SAILED FROM CAPE COD TO NOVA
SCOTIA
( WHISTLES )
MY GAFFEIGATING AND ALL THAT, I
THOUGHT I WAS ON THE EAST COAST
OF NOVA SCOTIA, BUT I WAS ON THE
WEST COAST OF NOVA SCOTIA.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU--
ANYTHING YOUR LIFE AT SEA TEACH
YOU ABOUT LIVING YOUR LIFE ON
LAND?
BECAUSE I CERTAINLY LEARNED TO
REALLY APPRECIATE AN ACTUAL
TOILET.
IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU
LEARNED AT SEA THAT YOU WERE
LIKE, "OH, OKAY I'M GOING TO
APPRECIATE THE LAND A LITTLE
MORE NOW"?
> NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT I
DIDN'T GET TO WHERE I
APPRECIATED LAND MORE, STEPHEN.
I-- BEING AT SEA WAS JUST-- JUST
A MAGIC THING FOR ME.
REALLY MAGIC.
AND I HAVE SOME OF THE MOST
INCREDIBLE SIGHTS AND
EXPERIENCES AND SOME LONG SAILS
THAT WERE GREAT.
>> Stephen: ANY BIG STORMS?
>> I HAD A BIG STORM, IN 1979.
I SAILED MY LITTLE SLOOP, THE
30-FOOTER, TO BERMUDA.
AND SPENT ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW,
FOUR WEEKS DOWN THERE, FOUR,
FIVE WEEKS.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> AND I WAS ON MY WAY BACK TO
NEW YORK IN OCTOBER --
>> Stephen: HURRICANE SEASON.
>> AND HIT MY SURVIVAL STORM.
>> Stephen: WOW.
HOW-- HOW LONG DID YOU HAVE TO
RIDE IT OUT?
>> NOT VERY LONG.
IT HIT AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON
ON SATURDAY.
I HAD TO RUN EASTWARD-- IT WAS
OUT OF THE WEST.
SO I HAD TO RUN EASTWARD FOR 26
HOURS.
AND THEN IT ABATED.
>> Stephen: WOW!
WOW!
WOW.
I CAN IMAGINE ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THAT, YOU'RE A DIFFERENT MAN.
>> WELL, YOU LEARN SOMETHING
ABOUT YOURSELF, I PROMISE YOU.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU HAVE A
NEW SHOW NOW, "SOLOS."
IT'S SEVEN EPISODES, EACH
STARRING A DIFFERENT ACTOR, THE
CAST INCLUDES YOU ANNE HATHAWAY,
HELEN MIRREN, MANY OTHER PEOPLE.
WE HAVE A CLIP RIGHT HERE.
YOU CAN TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS CLIP?
>> I THINK I'VE DECIDED TO DANCE
BECAUSE MY MEMORY IS RETURNING,
BUT THIS KID HAS GIVEN ME SOME
SORT OF ELECTRONIC JOLT, AND
IT'S BRINGING BACK MEMORIES THAT
I HAVE SORT OF ALHIEMERSICALLY
PUT ASIDE.
>> Stephen: JIM.
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME, MAN!
I CAN AMBLE.
MY MUSCLES REMEMBER.
MY BONES REACQUAINT.
( LAUGHS )
LOOK, SOFT SHOE, TAP, JAZZ,
MACARENA, ELECTRIC SLIDE.
WATCH ME.
OH, YEAH.
WHOOO!
>> Stephen: THE EPISODE TREATS
MEMORIES LIKE TREASURED
POSSESSIONS.
DO YOU HAVE A MOST TREASURED
MEMORY?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CALL IT
A "MOST TREASURED."
IT'S THE ONE THAT STICKS WITH
ME.
I WAS SIX YEARS-- ON MY SIXTH
BIRTHDAY, MY 84th IS COMING
UP IN ABOUT NO TIME.
BUT THIS MOMENT, THIS DAY, THIS
MORNING, I REMEMBER IT AS IF IT
WAS A MAGIC TIME.
I WAS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER, AND I
WOKE UP, CAME OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND SHE WAS IN THE YARD DOING
SOMETHING WITH A BROOM OR A HOE.
AND I DON'T KNOW, WHATEVER SHE
SAID TO ME, MADE ME FEEL LIKE,
YEAH, I'M SPECIAL.
THIS IS MY DAY.
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: BEFORE WE-- BEFORE
WE GO, THERE ARE SO MANY
WONDERFUL MORGAN FREEMAN MOVIES,
SO MANY BELOVED FILMS.
WHAT IS MORGAN FREEMAN'S
FAVORITE MORGAN FREEMAN FILM?
>> ANYTHING I DID WITH CLINT
EASTWOOD.
>> Stephen: "UNFORGIVEN."
>> "UNFORGIVEN.
"MILLION DOLLAR BABY."
AND HE DIRECTED "INVICTUS."
THAT MAY BE MY MOST STAND-UP
MOVIE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, A LOT OF
PEOPLE WOULD HAVE SAID "THE
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION."
AND I WAS TELLING TIM ROBBINS
WHEN HE WAS ON THE SHOW, I'VE
NEVER SEEN "THE SHAWSHANK
REDEMPTION."
AND I SAID TO HIM, "I THINK--" I
KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
AND I SAID, "I THINK I SHOULD
WATCH "THE SHAWSHANK
REDEMPTION--" I WANT TO WATCH IT
WITH YOU AND TIM ROBBINS.
COULD THE THREE OF US WATCH IT
TOGETHER, AND THEN WE COULD TALK
ABOUT IT?
>> YOU ARRANGE THAT, I'M IN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
YOU HEAR THAT, TIM?
MORGAN'S IN.
"SOLOS" PREMIERES FRIDAY ON
AMAZON PRIME.
MORGAN FREEMAN, EVERYBODY.
MORGAN THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
COMEDIAN TIG NOTARO.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN AND ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM
"ONE MISSISSIPPI" AND "STAR
TREK: DISCOVERY."
HER NEW FILM IS "ARMY OF THE
DEAD."
>> WE PUT TOGETHER A CREW FOR A
JOB.
>> YEAH, WHAT DOES IT PAY?
>> YOU MAKE $2 MILLION FOR ONE
DAY'S WORK.
>> $2 MILLION.
THAT'S MY SHARE?
THAT'S JUST FOR ME?
$2 MILLION IF IT PANS OUT.
100% I'M IN, YEAH.
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, YOU
KNOW, THE RISKS OR--
>> WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THE
RISKS?
$2 MILLION.
THAT'S A LOT OF CASH.
LISTEN, I HATE MY LIFE SO
DEEPLY, IF I HAD $2 MILLION, MY
LIFE WOULD CHANGE DRASTICALLY.
YEAH.
THANK YOU.
YES.
>> YOU YOU'RE YOU DON'T WANT TO
KNOW?
>> I BET IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH A HELICOPTER?
>> YEAH.
>> AND THE HELICOPTER GUY?
>> YEAH.
WHERE DO I SIGN?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "A LATE SHOW," TIG NOTARO.
HEY, TIG.
>> HE, STEPHEN.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: I'M DOING GREAT.
I AM-- I AM TRULY LOOKING
FORWARD TO YOUR PERFORMANCE IN
"ARMY OF THE DEAD."
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FREAKING OUT A
LITTLE BIT AT ALL THE PREVIEWS
OF YOU IN THIS MOVIE.
WE'RE USED TO LOVING TIG NOTARO,
BUT WE'RE NOT USED TO A BAD-ASS
TIG NOTARO.
DO YOU ENJOY, YOU KNOW, HAVING
THE LITTLE YOU KNOW KICKING A
LITTLE ASS AND TAKING NAMES?
DOES THIS FEEL NATURAL ON ANY
LEVEL TO YOU?
>> IT FEELS GOOD.
IT'S FUNNY, I REMEMBER WHEN I
PUT ON THE OUTFIT FOR THE FIRST
TIME AND WALKED OUT IN FRONT OF
EVERYONE.
THEY WERE LIKE, "OKAY...
I THINK THIS MIGHT BE YOUR
THING."
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE A
COMFY JUMPSUIT.
>> YEAH, THEY GAVE ME ONE TO
TAKE HOME, WHICH IS NICE!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT IS NICE.
I KNOW-- I HEARD THAT YOU
ACTUALLY REPLACED AN ACTOR WHO
HAD ALREADY SHOT THIS PART, SO
THEY CAME IN AND SAID, "OKAY,
THE MOVIE IS DONE BUT WE'RE
GOING TO PUT YOU INTO THIS
PART."
SO YOU GOT TO SEE THE WHOLE
MOVIE BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY EVEN
DECIDED WHETHER YOU WANTED TO BE
IN THE MOVIE, RIGHT?
>> CORRECT.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND, OBVIOUSLY, I
DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME
ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IN
THE MOVIE, BUT DID YOU-- SO
YOU-- WERE YOU NEVER ON SET
WITH, LIKE, DAVE BAH TEFT OR
ANYBODY?
>> I NEVER MET DAVE BAUTISTE IN
MY LIFE, I NEVER MET THE MAN.
>> NONE OF THE OTHER ACTORS.
IT'S JUST YOU ON GREEN SCREEN
THE ENTIRE TIME.
>> IT IS ME ON GREEN SCREEN THE
WHOLE TIME.
BUT THERE IS A HALF DAY ANAUONE
OF THE ACTS CAME, AND SHE WALKED
ME FROM A STAIRWELL TO HALFWAY
TO MY HELICOPTER.
AND MY ASSISTANT WAS ON SET AND
HE'S S 6'2" AND THEY WOULD PUT M
IN A GREEN SUIT AND EVERY NOW
AND THEN I WOULD LOOK UP AND
LOOK AT HIM.
>> Stephen: WAS HE SUPPOSED TO
BE DAVE BAUTISTA?
>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS SUCH A TECHNICAL SHOOT,
THAT THEY WOULD SAY, "LOOK IN
THIS DIRECTION, WALK EXACTLY ON
THIS LINE."
AND I DWOWLD THAT, AND THEN
THEY'D LOOK AT IT ON THE SCREEN,
AFTER THEY GREEN SCREENED MY
PERFORMANCE IN, AND THEN THEY'D
COME BACK AND SAY, "YOU KNOW
WHAT, LET'S MOVE IS TA
CENTIMETER TO THE LEFT AND DO IT
EXACTLY THE SAME.
AND SOMETIMES THEY'D HANG A
TENNIS BALL, LIKE HOW YOU DO IN
A GARAGE, WHERE TO PARK.
>> Stephen: PARK YOUR CAR,
SURE.
>> YEAH.
OR THEY'D PUT A LITTLE PIECE OF
TAPE ON THE WALL IN THE
DISTANCE.
THEY'D BE LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT.
WALK ALONG THIS LINE."
BECAUSE I HAD TO RECREATE
SIMILAR MOVEMENTS AS THE
PREVIOUS ACTOR, AND, ALSO, IN
GROUP SHOTS, I NEEDED TO FALL IN
LINE EXACTLY WHERE THE REST OF
THE CAST WAS.
IT WAS INSANE.
>> Stephen: SO WAS IT JUST YOU
AND ZAK SNYDER TOGETHER, JUST
THE TWO OF YOU?
>> HE HAD A SCALED DOWN CREW,
AND, YEAH, IT WAS-- IT WAS
REALLY SCALED DOWN.
AND HE WAS THE CINEMATOGRAPHER.
HE WAS THE CAMERAMAN, THE THE
DIRECTOR.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> IT WAS PRETTY INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU LIKE THE
GREEN SCREEN ACTING, OR DOES IT
FEEL STERILE?
>> I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH ZAK.
I TRULY DID.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH HIM.
AND THE CREW.
THEY WERE SO INCREDIBLE.
BUT I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.
I WANT TO BE IN AN ACTUAL MOVIE
WITH PEOPLE.
>>
>> Stephen: THERE YOU ARE.
THERE YOU ARE.
WITH KEY POINT OUT WHAT YOU'RE
WEARING?
YOU'RE WEARING SLIP-ON
FLIP-FLOPS FROM, LIKE, A DAY
SPA.
IS THAT YOUR CHOICE OR A
CHARACTER CHOICE?
>> YOU'RE BLOWING MY COOL,
STEPHEN.
EVIDENCE TRENDING ON TWITTER FOR
BEING A BAD ASS, AND HOT, AND
NOW YOU'RE SHOWING THAT I'M, YOU
KNOW, A VERY TYPICAL GAY WOMAN
IN COMFORTABLE SHOES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS-- I
DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS TYPICAL.
I HAD HEARD--
>> YOU DIDN'T --
>> Stephen: NO, I DID NOT KNOW
THAT WAS TYPICAL OF GAY WOMEN
WAS TO BE COMFORTABLE.
>> YES, GAY WOMEN WEAR
COMFORTABLE SHOES.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
>> I GUESS WE DON'T RUN IN THE
SAME CIRCLE S.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S A GREAT CHOICE.
>> THANK YOU.
IT'S ONE OF MY BIG
ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, TIG AND I ARE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT COTTON CANDY.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WHY IS THE ASSOCIATED PRESS SHARING A BUILDING WITH HAMAS? SURELY, THESE INTREPID REPORTERS
KNEW WHO THEIR NEIGHBORS WERE.
DID THEY KNOWINGLY ALLOW
THEMSELVES TO BE USED AS HUMAN
SHIELDS BY A U.S.-DESIGNATED
TERRORIST ORGANIZATION?
>> INTERESTING, AND HAMAS IS ON
THE SAME PLANET AS SENATOR TOM
COTTON, AND SENATOR TOM COTTON
IS IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME.
AM I IN HAMAS?
>> STICK AROUND FOR MORE HUGE
DUMB-ASS DETECTIVE.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE BREAKOUT,
BAD-ASS STAR OF "ARMY OF THE
DEAD," TIG NOTARO.
I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT CERTIFIED
IN NUTRITION.
IS THAT A THING?
AM I DESCRIBING THAT CORRECTLY?
YOU DID A SIX-WEEK COURSE, OR
SOMETHING?
>> IT'S PLANT-BASED NUTRITION.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I'M A CERTIFIED NUTRITIONIST
IN PLANT-BASED NUTRITION.
SO I'M HERE T HELP.
I DID IT FOR MY OWN HEALTH AND
EDUCATION, BUT I ALSO WANT TO
HELP OTHER PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: NOW, WAS THIS IN
ANY WAY, THIS CERTIFICATION IN
NUTRITION, WAS THIS IN ANY WAY A
REACTION TO THE FACT THAT FOR
CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU AN
INDUSTRIAL COTTON CANDY MACHINE?
( LAUGHS )
>> IT WAS DIRECTLY RELATED.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
WHEN THAT THING --
>> Stephen: TRUE STORY.
>> IT IS A TRUE STORY.
WHEN THAT THING ARRIVED AT OUR
DOOR, I COULDN'T EVEN PICK IT
UP.
STEPHANIE AND I WERE-- IT WAS SO
GIGANTIC.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD-- YOU
COULD-- YOU COULD START A
CARNIVAL.
>> YES, YES.
THERE'S A CARNIVAL GOING ON 24
HOURS A DAY INSIDE OUR HOUSE, SO
THAT'S PERFECT.
STEPHANIE --
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME
( LAUGHS )
>> WELL, NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT
MY FAMILY.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> SO THIS WAS A PERFECT
ADDITION.
SO WE FINALLY, BETWEEN THE TWO
OF US-- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE WE
DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND, SO IT WAS
JUST TWO MARRIED WOMEN TRYING TO
CARRY IN THIS-- I KNOW I LOOK
TOUGH IN "ARMY OF THE DEAD," BUT
STEPHANIE AND I TOGETHER CARRIED
THIS HUGE BOX IN THE HOUSE.
WE OPEN IT UP, AND SHE'S LIKE,
"WHAT IS THIS?"
I SAID, "I HAVE NO IDEA."
AND WE PULL IT OUT AND IT'S A
COTTON CANDY MACHINE FOR A
CARNIVAL FROM MR. STEPHEN
COLBERT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: YES.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, TIG.
>> AND WE ACTUALLY HAVEN'T EVEN
SHOWN OUR KIDS YET, SO THEY
DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT'S
HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: REALLY!
YOU'VE GOT A COTTON CANDY
MACHINE AND TWO CHILDREN, AND
YOU HAVE NOT TURNED IT ON?
YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON!
>> I KNOW I AM.
BUT THEY TURN FIVE IN JUNE, SO
WE'RE GOING TO SURPRISE THEM FOR
THEIR BIRTHDAY WITH A BIG COTTON
CANDY MACHINE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT.
AND, YES, IN RETURN, IN THANKS,
YOU SENT ME A PAINTING OF JESUS
EATING COTTON CANDY, WHICH IS
NOW FRAMED IN MY OFFICE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: CAN WE GET A SHOT
OF THAT?
LET'S PUT A SHOT OF THAT UP.
>> CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THE
COTTON CANDY MACHINE?
OKAY.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THERE IS NO ONE--
THERE IS NO ONE IN THE ROOM WITH
YOU.
>> I'M AT HOME.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE IN A
HOTEL.
YOU ARE NOT AT HOME.
YOU'RE IN A HOTEL.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S HOME.
>> NO, THIS IS MY BEDROOM AT THE
HOUSE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
THOSE ARE YOUR LINENS.
>> I'M IN--
( LAUGHS )
I'M IN TORONTO FILMING THE NEW
SEASON OF ""STAR TREK,""
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I FORGIVE YOU.
I FORGIVE YOU FOR LYING.
THERE'S NO ONE THERE, TIG.
>> ...TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS.
>> Stephen: NO ONE, NO ONE IS.
THAT'S ALL A GREEN SCREEN
ENVIRONMENT YOU'RE IN.
IT'S JUST YOU AND ZAK SNYDER
THERE, RIGHT?
>> MY WHOLE LIFE IS A GREEN
SCREEN ENVIRONMENT.
>> Stephen: WELL, TIG, LOVELY
TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON.
>> Stephen: GIVE MY BEST TO
YOUR COMFORTABLE SHOES.
"ARMY OF THE DEAD" IS PLAYING IN
SELECT THEATERS NOW AND WILL BE
AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX ON FRIDAY.
IT'S TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE LISA KUDROW AND TAMIKA
D. MALLORY.
NIGHT.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, GOOD
NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org