Captioning sponsored by CBS
>> CHICKENS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY AROUND THE COUNTRY. PART OF THE BLAME GOES TO
TYSON'S ROOSTERS.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
TYSON SAID ITS CHICKEN VOLUMES
HAVE BEEN LOW BECAUSE IT MADE A
MISTAKE PICKING A TYPE OF
ROOSTER FOR BREEDING, LEADING TO
FEWER CHICKENS BEING HATCHED.
( "CAMPTOWN RACES" )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HERE, I SAY, HERE ARE THE
FLOWERS, AND HERE'S THE CANDY.
COURTSHIP IS OVER.
SO HOW ABOUT IT, MISSY HEN?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
>> YES, I WOULD!
>> I AM A HAPPY ROOSTER.
>> LET'S CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE
MR. LEGHORN.
>> I SAY WHAT, AND WHAT?
>> THE BED'S RIGHT OVER THERE,
MR. LEGHORN.
>> I'M A LITTLE TIRED, MISSY.
I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO WAKE
EVERYBODY UP.
>> IS THERE A PROBLEM,
MR. LEGHORN?
>> TO BE HONEST, LITTLE MISSY,
THERE'S NOT A LOT OF FOG LEFT IN
MY HORN.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> IF YOU'RE A ROOSTER SUFFERING
FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, TRY
POULTRYALIS, AND GET BACK TO
COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO-ING IT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT TAKIN' CARE OF
BUSINESS.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: BILLY
CRYSTAL AND TIFFANY HADDISH
AND MUSICAL GUEST THE BLACK
KEYS.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
IT IS FRIDAY, AND I AM STEPHEN
COLBERT.
I HOPE YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES
ARE SAFE TONIGHT.
AND BY "LOVED ONES," I MEAN "THE
STUFF YOU BUY," BECAUSE OUR
COUNTRY IS FACING NOTHING SHORT
OF A STUFF-AGGEDON.
THIS WEEK, WE HAD PANIC BUYING
OF GAS, CHICKEN, AND DIPPING
SAUCE, AND NOW WE'RE NOW GETTING
WORD THAT HOUSEHOLD GOODS,
INCLUDING TOILET PAPER, ARE ONCE
AGAIN FACING SUPPLY PROBLEMS.
TOILET PAPER SHORTAGES, AGAIN?
THIS IS LIKE GROUNDHOG DAY, BUT
YOU HAVE TO WIPE YOUR BUTT WITH
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL!
( EVIE LAUGHING )
AND THAT'S NOT ALL, BECAUSE THE
U.S. ECONOMY IS SEEING SHORTAGES
OF USED CARS AND RENTAL CARS.
WELL, THAT RENTAL CAR THING
COULD BE MY FAULT.
I ALWAYS BUY THE INSURANCE, AND
THEN INSTEAD OF RETURNING IT TO
THE AIRPORT, I DRIVE IT OFF A
CLIFF.
FURNITURE IS ALSO IN SHORT
SUPPLY.
LA-Z-BOY EXECUTIVES SAID
CUSTOMERS COULD EXPECT DELIVERY
DATES THAT ARE FIVE TO NINE
MONTHS OUT FROM THEIR ORDER
DATES.
FIVE TO NINE MONTHS IS
RIDICULOUS.
I EXPECT A LITTLE MORE HUSTLE
OUT OF LA-Z-BOY.
( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER SHORTAGE?
CHLORINE.
IN SEPTEMBER, THERE WAS A FIRE
AT THE LOUISIANA PREMISES OF
CHLORINE MANUFACTURER BIO-LAB,
AND NOW SUMMER POOL OWNERS WILL
SEE THE WORST CHLORINE SHORTAGE
IN U.S. HISTORY.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU CAN STILL DISINFECT YOUR
POOL IN A PINCH BY JUST POURING
IN A COUPLE OF WHITE CLAWS.
OF COURSE, OUR PROBLEMS ARE MORE
THAN JUST A LACK OF THINGS.
WE'VE ALSO GOT A LACK OF PLACES
TO BUY THOSE THINGS, BECAUSE IT
IS ESTIMATED THAT "34% OF
AMERICA'S SMALL BUSINESSES ARE
STILL CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19."
EVEN WORSE, "BIG JOE'S OPEN AND
CLOSED SIGN EMPORIUM" HAD TO
THROW OUT HALF ITS INVENTORY.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
SINCE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING
TOGETHER FOR OVER A YEAR, ANY
PARTY-RELATED SMALL BUSINESS HAS
BEEN HAVING A ROUGH GO.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE PIÑATA
INDUSTRY, DEPENDENT ON SOCIAL
GATHERINGS, HAS SEEN SALES
PLUMMET.
THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE HAS BEEN
HITTING PIÑATAS, AND THAT HAS
REALLY HIT PIÑATAS HARD.
IN ORDER TO ENTICE CUSTOMERS,
THE PIÑATA INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX--
( LAUGHTER )
HAS STARTED CRAFTING PIÑATAS
THAT FOLKS REALLY WANT TO TAKE A
WHACK AT, SUCH AS THE FORMER
PRESIDENT AND THE CORONAVIRUS
ITSELF.
OH, THEY SHOULD MAKE A VERSION
THAT LOOKS LIKE MIKE PENCE!
I HEARD THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
SCREAMING THEY'D LOVE TO HANG IT
UP!
THE RECREATION INDUSTRY HAS BEEN
ONE OF THE HARDEST HIT BY THE
FEAR OF VIRUS.
BOWLING ALLEYS' ANNUAL REVENUES
ARE DOWN BY 33%, WHICH ACTUALLY
SEEMS PRETTY LOW FOR AN INDUSTRY
WHERE EVERY CUSTOMER STICKS
THEIR FINGERS IN THE SAME BALLS.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW HIGHLIGHTS
FOR SOME SMALL-BUSINESS SECTORS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE R.V. INDUSTRY
HAS BOOMED AS FAMILIES VACATION
IN NEW WAYS DURING THE COVID-19
PANDEMIC, BECAUSE THIS YEAR,
WHEN FAMILIES WERE HOUSEBOUND
WITH ONE ANOTHER-- LIVING,
WORKING, AND SCHOOLING ALL UNDER
THE SAME ROOF-- EVERYBODY WAS
NATURALLY THINKING, "I WISH
THERE WAS A WAY WE COULD DO ALL
THIS IN AN EVEN SMALLER SPACE,
BUT WITH A CHEMICAL TOILET, IN
TRAFFIC!"
( LAUGHTER )
STILL, A LOT OF SMALL BUSINESSES
ARE SUFFERING, AND I WAS SO
CONCERNED ABOUT IT THAT I
DECIDED TO PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE
MY MOUTH IS.
ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE
LOCKDOWN, MARCH 12, I ASKED YOU
ALL TO GO TO
colbertlateshow.com/covidtour
WHERE YOU COULD HELP SMALL
BUSINESSES WITH OUR NEW LINE OF
"LATE SHOW TOUR MERCHANDISE,"
OKAY, LIKE THIS T-SHIRT WITH OUR
"L.S.S.C." LOGO, WHICH FOR LEGAL
REASONS, I CANNOT SAY WE TOOK
FROM ANY PARTICULAR BAND.
BUT I WILL SHOW YOU THAT THE
BACK IS ALSO IN BLACK
( LAUGHTER )
WE ALSO GOT-- WHAT DO WE GOT
HERE?
WE'VE ALSO GOT A MUG, WE GOT A
MASK, WE GOT A HOODIE, WE GOT A
HOODIE RIGHT HERE-- TRUST ME,
IT'S A HOODIE.
AND SWEATPANTS THAT SAY
"NO SWEAT, ALL PANTS."
MUCH BETTER THAN OUR ORIGINAL
IDEA: A SEXY CALENDAR THEMED:
"ALL SWEAT, NO PANTS."
( LAUGHTER )
THE BEST PART OF THESE PRODUCTS?
100% OF "A LATE SHOW'S" PROCEEDS
GOES TO ACCION OPPORTUNITY
FUND'S SMALL-BUSINESS RELIEF
FUND.
AND IT TURNS OUT YOU FOLKS ARE
AS GENEROUS AS YOU ARE WELL-
DRESSED, BECAUSE AS OF THIS
TAPING, WE HAVE RAISED $252,162
TO HELP SMALL BUSINESSES!
( FANFARE )
MORE THAN A QUARTER MILL!
THINK OF HOW MANY PIÑATAS THAT
COULD BUY!
( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S NOT ALL WE AT "A LATE
SHOW" HAVE BEEN DOING TO HELP
SMALL BUSINESSES.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, EARLIER THIS
YEAR, WE DID A VERY SPECIAL
SUPER BOWL EDITION OF "A LATE
SHOW."
AND FOR THE SPECIAL, WE CREATED
A BIG SUPER BOWL-STYLE
COMMERCIAL FOR A STRUGGLING
BUSINESS, FOGGY PINE BOOKS, IN
BOONE, NORTH CAROLINA, WITH OUR
FRIENDS TOM HANKS AND SAM
ELLIOT.
AND IT WORKED!
AFTER THE AD AIRED, FOGGY PINE
HAD TO HIRE FIVE NEW STAFFERS TO
HELP HANDLE ALL THEIR NEW SALES!
AND THAT MADE US WANT TO HELP
SOME OTHER BUSINESSES.
SO WE ENCOURAGED SMALL
BUSINESSES THAT COULD USE A
BOOST TO POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA
USING THE HASHTAG "COLBERT-
SMALL-BIZ-BUMP."
AND WHILE THE BUSINESSES WERE
SMALL, THE RESPONSE WAS "VENTI."
WE HEARD FROM GREAT PLACES TO
AT, LIKE SHAWNNIECAKES IN CEDAR
RAPIDS, IOWA; THE BLUE BENN
DINER IN BENNINGTON, VERMONT;
AND CRAZY HOT CHICKEN IN SANTA
CLARITA, CALIFORNIA, WHO SENT
THIS MESSAGE:
>> YOU LIKE CHICKEN?
YOU LIKE BEER?
WELL, GET SOME CRAZY HOT CHICKEN
OVER HERE, OKAY?
>> Stephen: OOH, NICE RHYME!
LET ME TRY A VERSE: DON'T BUY A
FRIED BIRD FROM A NATIONAL
CHAIN, OUR PRICES, LIKE OUR
CHICKEN, ARE CLINICALLY INSANE!
OKAY?
WE HEARD FROM AMAZING SHOPS,
LIKE KAUFMAN SHOES, A FAMILY-
OWNED BUSINESS THAT'S BEEN IN
MEMPHIS FOR OVER 70 YEARS.
AND PARTY PLANET IN FAIRBANKS,
ALASKA, WHO MAKE INCREDIBLE
BALLOON SCULPTURES LIKE THIS
CTHULHU THAT IS SO REALISTIC,
ITS MERE VISAGE CAN WARP THE
MIND WITH PRE-HUMAN GEOMETRIES
AND DRIVE SANE MEN SCREAMING
TOWARDS THE MOUNTAINS OF
MADNESS.
OR THEY CAN ALSO DO A DACHSHUND.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
THEN THERE WAS HEALTHY APPETITES
NATURAL FOODS IN PLYMOUTH,
MASSACHUSETTS.
THEY WROTE TO US WITH THIS
SIMPLE REQUEST: "WE APPRECIATE
ANY HELP YOU CAN GIVE US TO GET
THE WORD OUT THAT WE ARE STILL
STANDING TALL AFTER COVID-19, WE
JUST MOVED THREE MINUTES FROM
OUR OLD LOCATION."
WELL, HEALTHY APPETITES, I DON'T
KNOW HOW I CAN HELP YOU GET THE
WORD OUT-- WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT'S THIS?
I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE A
NEWS ALERT FROM YOUR LOCAL CBS
AFFILIATE, WBZ, BOSTON'S NEWS
LEADER!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> PARDON THE INTERRUPTION,
STEPHEN, BUT WE HAVE BREAKING
NEWS OUT OF PLYMOUTH.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, AN ALERT FOR
AREA RESIDENTS: THEIR HEALTHY
APPETITES NATURAL FOOD STORE HAS
MOVED LOCATIONS.
THIS IS NOT A TEST.
I REPEAT, HEALTHY APPETITES HAS
MOVED LOCATIONS.
YOU CAN NOW FIND THEM AT
11 RAFFAELE ROAD IN THE CAMELOT
INDUSTRIAL PARK.
>> NOW, THAT'S NEAR THE B.J.'S
TIRE CENTER, PAST THE COUNTRY
KITCHEN.
IF YOU REACH TRUGREEN LAWN CARE,
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.
SO TURN AROUND, AND YOU'LL FIND
THE NEW LOCATION FOR HEALTHY
APPETITES.
OH, AND YOU HAVE TO TRY THE KELP
SUPPLEMENTS.
THEY'RE ON SALE.
>> MORE AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS.
NOW BACK TO STEPHEN COLBERT FOR
OUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED
PROGRAMMING.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANKS DAVID, THANKS
LISA.
I KNOW THE ENTIRE BZ NEWS TEAM
WILL STAY ON TOP OF THE STORY AS
HEALTHY APPETITES CONTINUES TO
BE WHERE IT NOW IS.
( LAUGHTER )
NEXT, WE GOT A GREAT VIDEO FROM
A PLACE CALLED LAZER LADIES IN
LAS VEGAS-- A WARNING TO PARENTS
OF SMALL CHILDREN OUT THERE,
IT IS NOT A STRIP CLUB.
>> HI, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE THE LAZER LADIES FROM LOS
VEGAS.
WE LAZER ENGRAVE GIFTS AND
AWARDS FOR AMERICA'S HEROES.
>> AND THOSE THAT TRY THEIR
BEST.
>> WE'RE SISTERS--
>> SHE'S AN AIR FORCE VETERAN.
>> AND WE ARE... FUN-SIZED!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS HOW
YOU SELL A SMALL BUSINESS--
SORRY, FUN-SIZE BUSINESS.
AFTER SEEING THAT, I CAN SAY
WITH CONFIDENCE, THAT THERE IS
ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER VETERAN-
OWNED COMPANY STARTED BY TWO
ENERGETIC SISTERS UNDER 5-FEET
TALL THAT I WOULD TRUST TO LAZER
ENGRAVE A TOILET.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO VIDEOS,
THERE WAS ONE THAT REALLY CAUGHT
MY EYE.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> Stephen: AFTER SEEING THAT, MY DAY GOT VERY FUDGEY. ( EVIE LAUGHING )
AND AFTER MORE THAN A YEAR OF
ISOLATION AND TRAVEL
RESTRICTIONS, I BELIEVE THAT
WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS NOW,
MORE THAN ANYTHING, IS SOME GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED VACATION FUDGE.
SO TONIGHT, WE AT "THE LATE
SHOW" HELP MARJOE AND THE JUST
HEAVENLY FUDGE FACTORY BY GIVING
THEM THEIR VERY OWN NATIONAL AD
CELEBRATING FUDGE-- A.K.A. "THE
DELICACY OF KINGS"-- IF A KING
HAD CO-WORKERS WHO WENT ON
VACATION AND BROUGHT THEM BACK A
BOX OF FUDGE.
JIM?
♪ ♪ ♪
>> LOVE, YOU CAN SAY IT WITH
A LOOK.
YOU CAN SAY IT WITH A TOUCH.
YOU CAN SAY IT WITH FUDGE.
WHEN WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW YOU
FEEL THERE'S HEAVENLY FUDGE
FACTORY AND GIFT SHOP ON LOPEZ
ISLAND, WASHINGTON.
WITH OVER 150 FLAVORS, THERE'S A
FUDGE FOR EVERYONE: RED VELVET
FOR THE PASSIONATE.
SNICKER'S BAR FOR THE DECADENT.
REDUCED-SUGAR PISTACHIO, FOR THE
DIABETIC.
AND FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS,
THERE'S ALSO...
>> ORCA POOP.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
( LAUGHS )
>> SO WHEN YOU WANT ONLY THE
BEST, SIMPLY FLY TO SEATTLE,
DRIVE AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF NORTH,
HOP ON A QUICK 45-MINUTE FERRY
RIDE, AND VOILA!
YOU'RE ONLY A 10-MINUTE RIDE
AWAY FROM FUDGE FACTORY AND GIFT
SHOP OR VISIT ONLINE AT
justheavenlyfudge.com, AND ORDER
THE FUDGE PREFERRED BY GRAMMY
AWARD-WINNING INSTRUMENTALISTS
LIKE THIS ONE.
( SMOOTH JAZZY SAX )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> I'M WASHINGTON STATE NATIVE
KENNY G., AND I'M HERE TO TELL
YOU THAT FUDGE FROM JUST
HEAVENLY FUDGE FACTORY JUST
MIGHT BE AS SMOOTH AS MY SOPRANO
SAXOPHONE AND AS SEDUCTIVE AS
THESE CURLS.
( SMOOTH JAZZY SAX )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> YOUR LOVE IS MEANT TO LAST,
SO GIVE HER THE GIFT THAT GOES
STRAIGHT TO HER HEART.
>> FUDGE, YES!
>> ( THROUGH FUDGE )
I'M THE HAPPIEST MAN IN THE
WORLD.
>> JUST PERFECT.
JUST DECADENT.
JUST HEAVENLY FUDGE FACTORY ON
LOPEZ ISLAND, WASHINGTON.
>> AND HAVE YOURSELF A FUDGEY
DAY!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU TO KENNY
G., THANK YOU MARJOE, THANK YOU
MARJOE'S MOHAWK.
( LAUGHTER )
I HOPE THAT MOVES SOME FUDGE.
AND I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE,
THAT EVERY SMALL BUSINESS THAT I
MENTIONED TONIGHT WILL BE
RECEIVING THIS...
PLAQUE, READING, "AS SEEN ON
'THE LATE SHOW.'"
EACH ONE IS AN EXCLUSIVE,
LIMITED-EDITION DECORATIVE
ENGRAVING CREATED BY NONE OTHER
THAN THE LAZER LADIES OF LAS
VEGAS.
( LAUGHTER )
SO IF YOU'RE NEAR ONE OF THOSE
PLACES, GO CHECK OUT THE PLAQUE
AND SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL
BUSINESSES.
AND YOU CAN SUPPORT SMALL
BUSINESSES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
BY PICKING UP MERCH AT
colbertlateshow.com/covidtour
AND IF YOU HAVE A SMALL BUSINESS
THAT COULD USE A BUMP OF PURE
UNCUT BOOST, PLEASE POST TO
SOCIAL MEDIA USING THE HASHTAG
"COLBERT-SMALL-BIZ-BUMP" TO TELL
US ABOUT IT AND WHAT MAKES YOUR
BUSINESS SO SPECIAL.
WHETHER YOU'VE GOT A BARBECUE
JOINT OR A PETTING ZOO OR SOME
SUSPICIOUS COMBINATION OF THE
TWO.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BILLY CRYSTAL AND
TIFFANY HADDISH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEWS FROM
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK TO,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
THE BEST WAY TO END MY WEEK
WOULD BE TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND
AND MINE, MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.
HOW YOU FEELING?
FRIDAY ENERGY.
>> Stephen: I AM FEELING GOOD.
NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY
ENERGY, BUT IT'S BECAUSE WE
HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO TALK
SINCE YESTERDAY WHEN THE C.D.C.
ANNOUNCED IF YOU'RE VACCINATED,
NO NEED FOR MASKS!
YOU COULD PLAY A CONCERT TO A
ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WITH NO
MASKS.
>> Jon: OOH, MAN!
LOOK, AND I'M GOING TO DO JUST
THAT.
I CAN'T WAIT, THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: THE CONCERT YOU'RE
GOING TO PLAY IS GOING TO BE AT
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AT 1697
BROADWAY, IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING
TO DO.
ARE WE BACK IN ON MONDAY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: ARE WE BACK IN THE
THEATER ON MONDAY?
>> ( INAUDIBLE )
>> Stephen: WHY WOULDN'T WE BE
BACK IN THE THEATER ON MONDAY?
THE C.D.C. SAYS-- BACK ME UP,
JON-- THE C.D.C. SAYS NO RULES
ANYMORE.
IT'S ALL CHAOS!
WHAT?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
TEAR UP YOUR HISTORY BOOKS.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, TEAR UP
YOUR HISTORY BOOKS AND LIVE IN A
CAVE.
ANYTHING GOES NOW, RIGHT?
IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL!
( LAUGHTER )
I'M DOING IT ALL.
I'LL WALK ON-- I CAN WALK ON THE
ED SULLIVAN STAGE BUCK NAKED AND
THE C.D.C. SAYS IT'S JUST FINE!
I'D WEAR A MASK, A STRATEGICALLY
PLACED MASK JUST FOR THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE
YOU AGAIN.
AND PLEASE BRING YOUR FRIEND
OSCAR ALONG WITH YOU, AND OF
COURSE, SULEIKA.
AND THEN YOU, ME, EVIE, AND
SULEIKA.
EVIE'S RIGHT HERE.
>> Jon: OH, EVIE!
HEY, EVIE!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THERE SHE IS.
>> I CAN'T--
Jon: I SEE THE HAND.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WITH WHY
I'M EXCITED, JON, WITHOUT THE
MASKS, EVIE AND I CAN KISS
AGAIN.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
WE HAVE NOT KISSED IN A YEAR AND
TWO MONTHS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
THAT'S A VERY GOOD THING.
YOU GOT--
>> HOLD ON THERE, BUDDY.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
SHE'S VERY STRICT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: COVID PROTOCOL, SOCIAL
DISTANCING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
CELEBRATORY NOW THAT THOSE OF US
WHO ARE VACCINED ARE FREE?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, FREE, FREE.
UH...
♪ ♪ ♪
( "LATE SHOW" THEME )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
SEE YOU IN THE THEATER ON
MONDAY, RIGHT, CHRIS?
( LAUGHTER )
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: SURE, OKAY.
BYE!
>> Jon: BYE!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
SOMETIMES ON THIS VERY SHOW, WE
GET SO FOCUSED ON WHAT PEOPLE
ARE DOING THAT WE LOSE SIGHT OF
THE FACT THAT ANIMALS ALSO DO
THINGS.
( EVIE LAUGHING )
AND TONIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU ALL
ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING, IN OUR
NEW WILDLIFE ROUNDUP: "THAT'S
WILD... LIFE!"
( EVIE LAUGHING )
>> I'M CRAZY.
( BIRDS CHIRPING )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALSO VERY,
VERY LATE.
( LAUGHTER )
FIRST UP, BIG CATS!
>> MEOW!
>> Stephen: IN CHINA, THREE
LEOPARDS ESCAPED A SAFARI PARK,
BUT STAFF DID NOT INFORM THE
PUBLIC FOR A WEEK THAT THE
LEOPARDS HAD ESCAPED.
NOT THE FIRST TIME THE PUBLIC
HASN'T BEEN PROPERLY WARNED
ABOUT A CRISIS INVOLVING CATS.
IN A STATEMENT, THE ZOO
APOLOGIZED, SAYING, "WE WORRIED
THAT THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE
INCIDENT WOULD CAUSE PANIC."
OKAY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE CAN
CAUSE PANIC?
HAVING YOUR FACE EATEN BY THREE
LEOPARDS.
( LAUGHTER )
NEXT UP, BIRDS!
>> CAW, CAW!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: A CALIFORNIA WOMAN
GOT AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE WHEN
SHE CAME HOME TO FIND THAT A
MASSIVE FLOCK OF CONDORS HAD
TEAMED UP TO TRASH HER DECK.
I'M GOING TO SAY THAT "TEAMED
UP" IS A STRONG WORD.
THEY'RE CONDORS, IT'S NOT
"OCEAN'S 11."
WE LEARNED ABOUT THE TRASHING
WHEN THE WOMAN'S DAUGHTER
TWEETED THIS PICTURE WITH THE
CAPTION, "OVER THE WEEKEND,
ABOUT 15 CALIFORNIA CONDORS
DESCENDED ON MY MOM'S HOUSE."
ARE WE SURE THAT DAMAGE WAS DONE
BY THE BIRDS?
"MOM, IT WAS SO CRAZY!
ON SATURDAY, ALL THESE CONDORS
CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND TOTALLY
TRASHED THE PLACE!
ALSO, THE CONDORS DRANK ALL YOUR
LIQUOR, AND ONE OF THE CONDORS
MADE OUT WITH VINCE PORTACCI AND
THEN VOMITED IN YOUR BED.
JUST A HEADS UP: THE CONDORS HAD
A GREAT TIME.
THEY'RE COMING BACK NEXT
SATURDAY."
( LAUGHTER )
NOW WHAT'S REALLY WEIRD IS HOW
MANY CONDORS SHOWED UP.
APPARENTLY, "15 TO 20 OF THE
ENDANGERED GIANT BIRDS WRECKED
THE DECK," BUT CONDORS ONLY
"NUMBER ABOUT 160 IN THE STATE."
OKAY, IF YOU'RE UNINTENTIONALLY
ATTRACTING 12% OF AN ENTIRE
ENDANGERED CARRION BIRD SPECIES,
MAYBE TAKE A LOOK AROUND THE
YARD AND SCALE BACK ON THE
NUMBER OF DEAD SEA LIONS.
( LAUGHTER )
NEXT UP: LOBSTERS!
>> PINCH, PINCH!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IN VIRGINIA, AN
EXTREMELY RARE CALICO LOBSTER
WAS RESCUED FROM A RED LOBSTER.
HERE'S THE LOBSTER, WHO WAS
NAMED "FRECKLES" BY THE RED
LOBSTER TEAM.
OKAY, BUT DO THEY NAME ALL THEIR
LOBSTERS?
"THIS IS CHARLIE.
HE'LL BE PREPARED FOR THE LADY
AFTER BEING GIVEN THE LAST
RITES.
AND FOR THE GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE
ANITA.
ANITA LOVES LONG WALKS ON THE
BEACH, LAUGHING WITH HER
CHILDREN, AND NOT BEING BOILED
ALIVE.
( CHEF'S KISS )
BON APPETIT."
( LAUGHTER )
THE COMPANY'S SPOKES-LOBSTER
EXPLAINED THEIR DECISION NOT TO
COOK FRECKLES, SAYING, "CALICO-
COLORED LOBSTERS LIKE FRECKLES
ARE SO RARE BECAUSE THEIR
COLORING MAKES THEM VERY VISIBLE
AND THUS VULNERABLE TO
PREDATORS."
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING RED
LOBSTER IS WORRIED ABOUT, IT'S
THE WELFARE OF LOBSTERS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY
CRYSTAL AND TIFFANY HADDISH.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
JOINING ME NOW ARE EMMY AWARD-
WINNING COMEDIANS WHO STAR IN
THE NEW MOVIE "HERE TODAY."
>> EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE LOOKING
FOR ME?
I'M CHARLIE BERNS.
>> I'M EMMA PAYGE.
>> EMMA, PLEASURE, THANK YOU.
>> SORRY I'M LATE.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NOT A PROBLEM.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
AND THANK YOU FOR BIDDING ON ME
IN THE AUCTION.
>> TRUTH?
>> SURE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU
ARE.
MY EX BID ON YOU.
>> HOW DID THIS--
>> HE WAS DOING A SCENE FROM ONE
OF YOUR PLAYS IN HIS ACTING
CLASS AND HE REALLY WANTED TO
MEET YOU, SO HE BID.
>> HOW MUCH?
>> 22.
>> $2,200.
THAT'S FANTASTIC--
>> $2,200 MY ASS!
$22.
>> $22 WAS THE WINNING BID?
>> MM-HMM.
IT STARTED AT $20 AND THEN IT
WENT UP IN 50-CENT INCREMENTS.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "A LATE SHOW," BILLY CRYSTAL
AND TIFFANY HADDISH!
HEY, BILLY.
HEY, TIFFANY.
>> HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU
HERE.
YOU'RE TWO OF MY FAVORITE
GUESTS.
THIS IS-- THIS IS LIKE A
VACATION BECAUSE I KNOW THE TWO
OF YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO TALK.
I WANT TO-- I WANT TO ASK YOU--
BEFORE I ASK YOU ABOUT THE
MOVIE, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT
THAT SCENE FOR JUST A SECOND.
BILLY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
SOMEBODY DIDN'T KNOW WHO YOU
WERE?
>> UM, OH, THE OTHER DAY AT THE
PHARMACY.
I WENT TO PICK UP A
PRESCRIPTION, AND SHE LOOKED AT
ME AND SHE SAID, "NAME?"
( LAUGHTER )
AND I WENT...
OH, THAT'S A ROUGH ONE.
YEAH.
"CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE TO MAKE
SURE IT'S YOU?"
AND IT WAS FOR, LIKE, MUCINEX.
I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE, OH...
THAT SCENE THAT YOU JUST SAW,
YOU KNOW, WAS THE IMPETUS FOR
THE MOVIE.
AND IT ACTUALLY STARTED ON YOUR
STAGE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> THAT STORY.
ALAN ZWEIBEL, WHO YOU KNOW,
WHO'S A BRILLIANT WRITER,
"S.N.L." WRITER, WAS ON "THE
LETTERMAN SHOW."
AND HE WAS TELLING DAVE THIS
REALLY FUNNY STORY ABOUT THIS
CHARITY AUCTION THAT HE WAS BID
ON.
AND HE GOES TO MEET THE
STRANGER-- WHICH I'M SURE YOU'VE
DONE THEM.
IT'S AWKWARD BUT INTERESTING.
AND SHE ONLY BIT $22, AND THEN
SHE HAS A TOXIC REACTION TO THE
SEAFOOD SALAD SHE WAS HAVING.
SO SHE SWELLS UP.
HE HAS TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.
AND THEN THEY GO TO HE HOSPITAL.
SHE HAS NO INSURANCE.
SO THIS CHARITY LUNCHEON COST
HIM 2,300 BUCKS.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S THE STORY HE TELLS DAVE
AND IT'S VERY FUNNY.
SO, I'M HOME WATCHING, OF
COURSE, HE'S MY FRIEND.
AND I EMAILED HIM RIGHT AWAY.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT
THIS IS A HILARIOUS WAY FOR TWO
CHARACTERS TO MEET.
WHERE DO THEY GO FROM HERE?
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
LET'S START TALKING TOMORROW."
AND WE DID, AND THAT WAS THE
BEGINNING, THE OPENING OF THE
FILM, AND OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND
HERE WE ARE NOW.
>> Stephen: SO, TIFFANY, HOW DO
YOU GET INVOLVED IN THIS?
WHEN BILLY CRYSTAL PITCHES YOU A
MOVIE IDEA, LIKE, DO YOU LISTEN
TO THE WHOLE THING OR JUST GO,
"BILLY, YES, OF COURSE?"
>> WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS HIS
PEOPLE CONTACTED MY PEOPLE AND
THEY GAVE ME A SCRIPT AND I READ
THE SCRIPT.
AND I WAS LIKE, "BILLY CRYSTAL?
OKAY, YES."
AND THEY WERE LIKE, "HE WANTS TO
MEET WITH YOU."
I WAS LIKE, "SET IT UP."
I FLEW IN FROM AFRICA, AND I HAD
TOOK MY BRAIDS OUT, AND THEY
SAID, "HE WANTS TO MEET YOU
TOMORROW."
AND I SAID "OH, MY, MY HAIR!"
( LAUGHTER )
( INAUDIBLE )
SHOULD I PUT IT IN A WIG?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
AND I DECIDED I'LL JUST WEAR IT
NATURAL, I WON'T WEAR ANY
MAKEUP, AND LET HIM SEE THE REAL
TIFFANY HADDISH.
SEE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT THAT.
AND IF HE LIKES ME, GREAT.
IF HE DOESN'T, OH, WELL, I GOT
TO MEET BILLY CRYSTAL!
( LAUGHTER )
AND I GET TO THE OFFICE, I'M
SITTING DOWN, I'M TALKING WITH
HIM, AND HE'S TELLING ME ABOUT
IT.
AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, HEY, YOU HAD
ME AT 'HELLO' BILLY.
DON'T WASTE THE ENERGY.
LET'S GET THE-- WHEN ARE WE
GOING TO START THIS MOVIE?
WHAT'S THE START DATE?
LET'S GO."
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU
HAVE LONG WANTED TO DO A MOVIE
WITH BILLY AND WHOOPEE.
WHAT IS THAT MOVIE YOU WANT TO
DO WITH THEM?
>> WELL, I'VE DECIDED THAT--
BECAUSE WHOOPI LOVES SHOES,
RIGHT?
I LOVE SHOES.
AND SO IN THIS MOVIE, BILLY IS A
SHOE COBBLER.
HE WORKS WITH THIS BIG
CORPORATION, AND MAKES SHOES.
AND I'M HIS INTERN.
I STEAL THE SHOES.
WHOOPI IS MY MOM.
SHE TELLS ME HOW TO STEAL THE
SHOES.
THEY'RE MAGICAL SHOES.
AND I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU
COULD BE IN THE MOVIE--
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
>> YOU COULD BE THE OWNER OF THE
COMPANY LOOKING FOR THE MAGICAL
SHOES.
AND YOU GET ON BILLY'S BACK, AND
BILLY TELLS YOU TO KISS HIS ASS.
AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT AND I
TRY TO BRING THE SHOES BACK, BUT
MY MOM WON'T LET ME BRING THE
SHOES BACK, AND BILLY COMES AND
HE MARRIES MY MOM, AND HE
BECOMES MY DAD.
>> YOU KNOW, THIS IS WRITING
ITSELF.
IT IS JUST WRITING ITSELF.
>> IT'S CALLED THE "REAL
FOOTLOOSE."
>> I HOPE THOSE OF YOU AT HOME
GET IT DOWN, AND LET US KNOW--
IT COULD ALSO BE "CITY
SLICKERS 3."
>> Stephen: SURE, IT'S A VERY
FINE LINE.
ALL I KNOW IS TIFFANY JUST CAST
ME AS THE ( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, I'M HONORED.
BILLY, APART FROM THE OBVIOUS,
THE TALENT AND THE CHARM AND THE
BEAUTY OF TIFFANY HADDISH,
WHAT-- WHAT-- WHY DID YOU THINK
OF HER FOR THE PART?
>> BECAUSE ALAN AND I WROTE THIS
SPECIFIC CHARACTER, AND I DIDN'T
KNOW TIFFANY.
I HAD NOT SEEN "GIRLS TRIP."
SO WHEN I SAW HER HOST "S.N.L."
I WENT, "OH, MY GOD.
WHO IS THIS PERSON?
SHE'S FUNNY.
SHE'S CHARMING.
SHE'S ADORABLE.
SHE HAS THIS GREAT SMILE AND
PEOPLE WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED BY
HER."
YOU KNOW, THEY GRAVITATE TOWARDS
HER.
SO, WHEN I MET HER, THAT WAS
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE I
ALREADY KNEW THAT SHE WAS
TALENTED.
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF
PERSON SHE WAS.
AND IN TALKING TO HER ABOUT
HERSELF AND HER LIFE, THAT'S
WHAT REALLY CONVINCED ME THAT
THIS COULD REALLY BE SPECIAL
BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY, YOU KNOW,
WHAT WAS IN HER SOUL AND WHAT
WAS IN HER LIFE THAT SHE TALKED
ABOUT THAT I REALLY-- I REALLY
LOVED FOR THIS PART.
>> Stephen: WELL, A GENERATION
OF COMEDIANS, YOU KNOW, HAVE
LOOKED TO BILLY AND LEARNED BY
WATCHING WHAT HE DOES.
FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVEN'T
WORKED WITH BILLY, TIFFANY, WHAT
DO YOU LEARN BY WORKING WITH
BILLY CRYSTAL, NOT ONLY AS A
SCENE PARTNER, WRITER, CO-WRITER
OF THE FILM, BUT THE DIRECTOR?
>> WELL, BILLY REALLY HELPED ME
GROW SO MUCH AS A PERFORMER.
I MEAN, HE GOT ME TO REALLY BE
IN THE MOMENT, TO REALLY LISTEN.
LIKE, OKAY, YEAH, YOU LISTEN,
AND THEN YOU PLAY, AND RESPOND.
BUT WITH BILLY, I MEAN HE GOT ME
TO TAP INTO A PLACE I'D BEEN
TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM AT THAT
POINT FOR 39 YEARS AND THAT'S
CRYING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
I TRY TO SWALLOW THOSE TEARS,
HOLD THEM INSIDE.
AND BILLY, HE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE
GOING TO CRY IN THIS."
AND I WAS LIKE, "EH, COME ON,
MAN.
I CAN MAKE A CRYING FACE, WE CAN
GIVE THE EMOTION OF CRYING WE
CAN GIVE THE EMOTION OF CRYING
BUT DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO CRY."
AND HE'S LIKE, "NO, I NEED YOU
TO CRY, TIFFANY.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT."
BUT I TRUST BILLY.
SO, HE WORKED WITH ME, WORKED
WITH ME, GOT IT OUT OF ME.
AND IT TOOK ME QUITE SOME TIME
TO PULL IT BACK TOGETHER.
AND NOW I CAN CRY ANYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER )
DROP OF A DIME.
WHAT YOU NEED, A TEAR?
YOU NEED THE VIOLA DAVIS
BUBBLES?
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THOSE ARE-- SHE'S
GOT A COPYRIGHT ON THE BUBBLES,
I THINK.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I'LL ASK
BILLY ABOUT TIFFANY'S BAT
MITZVAH.
IT'S TRUE.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK WITH THE STARS OF
"HERE TODAY," TIFFANY HADDISH
AND BILLY CRYSTAL.
TIFFANY, ALSO, YOU WON A GRAMMY
IN THE MIDST OF ACTUALLY HOSTING
A CBS SHOW, "KIDS SAY THE
DARNDEST THINGS."
AND YOU GOT TOLD IN YOUR EAR,
BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING AN
I.F.B., LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW.
AND THE PRODUCER TOLD YOU IN THE
MOMENT WHEN YOU'RE INTERVIEWING
THESE KIDS THAT YOU HAD WON A
GRAMMY.
AND I'D LIKE TO PLAY THAT CLIP
RIGHT NOW.
JIM.
>> YOU JUST WON A GRAMMY.
>> I LOVE BEING NOMINATED--
>> I JUST WON A GRAMMY?
>> NO!
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> I'M NOT LYING.
I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
>> CAN I TELL YOU WHY I'M
CRYING?
>> WHY?
>> IT'S A LOT OF BUMPY ROADS
THAT YOU CROSS, RIGHT?
AND IT'S A LOT OF TIMES YOU
FEEL, "AM I DOING THE RIGHT
THING?
IS THIS-- IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH?
AM I GOOD ENOUGH?
AM I STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS
JOB?"
AND THEN YOU JUST HAVE TO
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AS MUCH AS
YOU CAN.
AND AGAINST ALL ODDS YOU SAY,
YOU KNOW, WHAT?
I'M JUST GOING TO PUT MY BEST
FOOT FORWARD AND I'M GOING TO
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST THAT I
GOT, RIGHT?
>> UH-HUH.
>> ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
( APPLAUSE )
( CRYING )
>> SEE, SEE?
>> Stephen: LOOK WHAT YOU'VE
DONE, BILLY.
>> THANK ME.
>> THANK YOU, BILLY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL--
THAT'S A BETTER ACCEPTANCE
SPEECH THAN YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN
ACTUALLY ON STAGE AT THE
GRAMMYS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S REALLY
BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE TO HEAR.
BILLY, AS SOMEBODY-- COMEDIANS
WORK FOR YEARS TO FIND THEIR
VOICE AND TO FIND THE AUDIENCE
THAT RECOGNIZES WHAT THEY'VE GOT
TO GIVE.
WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU SAW
THAT MOMENT, JUST WATCHING IT
RIGHT NOW, OR IF YOU SAW IT WHEN
IT HAPPENED?
>> ONE, I WAS THRILLED FOR HER.
TWO, IT WAS SO HONEST AND
SINCERE AND CAME FROM THE VERY
BEST PLACE IN THIS-- IN THIS
BEAUTIFUL PERSON THAT I KNOW.
AND, YOU KNOW, PRIOR TO THAT,
THE ONLY OTHER BLACK WOMAN WHO
HAD WON A GRAMMY WAS WHOOPI
1986, I BELIEVE, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> SO IN THAT SPIRIT, THAT WAS
EVEN SO POWERFUL, ALSO.
AND, LISTEN, I JUST-- IT WAS A
GREAT PERFORMANCE, AND I WAS
THRILLED THAT PEOPLE RECOGNIZED
IT.
BUT IT'S THE HONESTY.
THAT'S WHAT I FOUND IN HER
PLAYING THIS CHARACTER WAS THAT
THERE WAS AN HONESTY THAT I
WAS-- KEPT STRIVING TO GET FROM
HER WAS THAT THIS-- YOU KNOW,
THIS IS NOT A TIFFANY MOMENT.
THIS IS AN EMMA MOMENT.
AND THEN THERE WERE TIMES THAT I
WANTED HER TO, YOU KNOW,
SPRINKLE A BIT, AND THEN HAVE
THAT MAGIC, YOU KNOW, THAT SHE
HAS.
AND ONLY IN THE RIGHT PLACES.
SO THIS IS A VERY WONDERFUL,
DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL, HILARIOUS
TIFFANY HADDISH IN THIS MOVIE.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE SHARED
MORE THAN JUST THE SCREEN.
YOU'VE ACTUALLY SHARED...
A VERY PARTICULAR AND SACRED
STAGE.
THIS IS A-- THIS IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPHS I'VE SEEN
IN A LONG TIME.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL SHOT.
THIS IS TIFFANY'S BAT MITZVAH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: PLEASE EXPLAIN THE
STORY BEHIND THIS.
I'M REALLY CURIOUS HOW THIS CAME
ABOUT, TIFFANY.
>> WLL, I STUDIED REALLY HARD
FOR MY BAT MITZVAH, AND I WAS
STUDYING DURING THE TIME WE WERE
SHOOTING THIS MOVIE.
AND AFTER I GOT TO KNOW BILLY
MORE AND MORE, I JUST FELT LIKE
HE'S FAMILY TO ME, LIKE THE
UNCLE I ALWAYS WANTED.
HE GAVE ME THE GUIDANCE AND
SHARED SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS
WITH ME, KNOWLEDGE WITH ME,
HELPED ME GROW.
AND I ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD BE
WILLING TO DO THE ALIYAH AT MY
BAT MITZVAH, AND HE SAID YES,
AND I WAS LIKE, OH, THIS IS
GOING TO BE AMAZING.
AND IT FELT SO SURREAL AND
WONDERFUL AND AWESOME.
LIKE, HE WAS USHERING ME INTO MY
WOMANHOOD IN, LIKE, A WAY THAT
FAMILY SHOULD, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
>> Stephen: BILLY, HOW WAS HER
TORAH PORTION?
>> SHE DID GREAT.
AND I WAS VERY IMPRESSED, AND,
ALSO, I WAS SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT
IT BECAUSE ALIYAH IS A BLESSING
YOU MAKE BEFORE SHE READS FROM
THE TORAH.
AND THE RABBI, WHO TIFFANY--
SUSAN, SARAH SILVERMAN'S SISTER,
RIGHT?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> SARAH'S SISTER.
AND THERE'S THE SCROLL, AND
THERE SHE'S FOLLOWING IT AND
READING IT.
AND IT'S NOT EASY.
AND I WAS JUST SO MOVED BY IT
THAT-- AT THAT POINT I DID FEEL
LIKE AN UNCLE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY
JIGGLING LOOSE CHANGE IN MY
POCKET--
( LAUGHTER )
AND I WAS REALLY-- REALLY
THRILLED FOR HER AND PROUD TO BE
PART OF IT.
>> Stephen: AND HOW WAS BILLY AS
A BAT MITZVAH GUEST?
WAS HE HUGGING THE WALL OR WAS
HE ON THE DANCE FLOOR?
>> HE WAS ON THE DANCE FLOOR A
LITTLE BIT.
BUT HE WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO
STEAL THE GY I WAS INTERESTED
IN AT TIME.
GIANCARLO STANTON, NUMBER 27,
FROM THE NEW YORK YANKEES.
HE WAS OVER THERE TALKING TO HIM
AND I WAS TRYING TO GET SOME
ACTION, TOO.
BUT BILLY, YOU KNOW, KNOWS ALL
THE STATS AND EVERYTHING, SO,
YEAH, YEAH.
>> YEAH, GIANCARLO WAS THERE AND
THAT WAS COOL FOR ME.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK YOU
GUYS-- DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS
WILL BE FRIENDS WHEN THIS
PROJECT IS OVER?
>> YEAH, WE'RE FRIENDS.
>> YEAH, THE PROJECT'S BEEN OVER
FOR A WHILE BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS
IS-- IT'S-- YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
STEPHEN, SOMETIMES YOU WALK AWAY
FROM WORKING WITH PEOPLE FOR A
WHILE, AND SOME STICK AND SOME
DON'T.
AND YOU SAY, LISTEN, I'LL SEE
YOU SOON," AND YOU DON'T SEE
THEM.
WE SEE-- WE KEEP IN TOUCH, YOU
KNOW, AND WE-- I'M SO CURIOUS
ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DOING AND HOW
SHE IS.
AND SHE'S ALWAYS ASKING ME HOW
WE ARE.
AND KEEPING-- KEEPING TABS ON
EACH OTHER.
IT'S A NICE THING.
>> YEAH, WE'RE FAMILY, AS FAR AS
I'M CONCERNED.
>> Stephen: WELL, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.
>> MY MIDDLE NAME IS CRYSTAL
NOW, I'M TIFFANY CRYSTAL
HADDISH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE.
HAVE THAT PRINTED UP.
WELL, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU BOTH.
"HERE TODAY" IS IN THEATERS NOW.
BILLY CRYSTAL AND TIFFANY
CRYSTAL HADDISH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. THEIR ALBUM, "DELTA KREAM," CAME OUT YESTERDAY.
PERFORMING "CRAWLING KINGSNAKE,"
THE BLACK KEYS.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> READY?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WELL I'M A CRAWLING
KINGSNAKE, BABY
♪ CRAWL UP ON YOUR DOOR
CRAWL UP TO YOUR WINDOW, BABY
♪ CRAWL UP ON YOUR FLOOR
CATCH ME CRAWLING IN
♪ DO YOU WANT SOME MORE?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CRAWLING KINGSNAKE
AND I WANNA
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WELL, MY MAMMA
CAUGHT ME CRAWLIN'
♪ WITH THOSE GIRLS I KNOW
I WASN'T VERY BIG THEN
♪ AND I WANNA CRAWL SOME MORE
DO YOU LOVE ME, MA
♪ CRAWL UP ON YOUR DOOR
I WASN'T VERY BIG THEN
♪ DO YOU WANT SOME MORE?
♪ ♪ ♪
CRAWLING KINGSNAKE
♪ AND I WANNA
♪ ♪ ♪
WELL I'M A CRAWLING
♪ KINGSNAKE, BABY
CRAWL UP ON YOUR DOOR
♪ CRAWL UP TO YOUR WINDOW, BABY
CRAWL UP ON YOUR FLOOR
♪ YOU CATCH ME CRAWLING
DO YOU WANT SOME MORE?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CRAWLING KINGSNAKE
AND I WANNA
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THE BLACK KEYS,
EVERYBODY.
CHECK OUT ANOTHER SONG FROM
THEM, AS WELL AS OTHER GREAT
PERFORMANCES IN OUR PLAY-AT-HOME
SERIES, ONLINE AT
colbertlateshow.com.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: STAY STRONG. ( EVIE LAUGHING )
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪