1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:04,771 >> THE SENATE WILL VOTE TO SUSPEND THE DEBT LIMIT TODAY, 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,174 SETTING UP A MAJOR SHOWDOWN IN CONGRESS AFTER REPUBLICANS VOWED 3 00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:09,376 TO OPPOSE IT. 4 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,445 THE STAKES COULDN'T BE HIGHER AFTER OFFICIALS WARNED A U.S. 5 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:13,880 DEFAULT COULD PLUNGE US INTO A RECESSION. 6 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:17,517 SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS? 7 00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:20,620 SOME SAY PRESIDENT BIDEN COULD DECLARE THE DEBT LIMIT 8 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,455 UNCONSTITUTIONAL, OR LET THE TREASURY MINT A $1 TRILLION 9 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,457 COIN. 10 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:30,463 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE FRANKLIN MINT PROUDLY 11 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:33,500 PRESENTS THE TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN, WHICH CAN NOW BE YOURS FOR 12 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:41,508 ONLY ONE TRILLION AND 20 DOLLARS, OR JUST ONE BILLION 13 00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:42,742 PAYMENT OF $1,000. 14 00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:45,512 THIS HANDSOME COIN IS EMBLAZONED WITH AN IMAGE OF PRESIDENT JOE 15 00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:50,550 BIDEN DIVING INTO A PILE OF MONEY SCROOGE McDUCK STYLE. 16 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,552 AND INSTEAD OF "IN GOD WE TRUST," THE COIN READS, "WHO'S 17 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:53,553 YOUR GOLD NOW, MOSES?" >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 18 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:57,757 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 19 00:00:57,824 --> 00:01:05,765 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 20 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:13,540 BRET BAIER AND SUSIE ESSMAN 21 00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:20,713 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 22 00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:24,217 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 23 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:25,084 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 24 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:32,759 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 25 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,594 >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. 26 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:34,994 HEY! 27 00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:41,501 THERE YOU GO! 28 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:48,041 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:51,110 >> Jon: AAAH! 30 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,513 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 31 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:57,517 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 32 00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,220 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL. 33 00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,522 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 34 00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:09,195 AND TONIGHT I COME TO YOU ON AN HISTORIC DAY IN AMERICA... 35 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,296 POTENTIALLY, MAYBE. 36 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:12,098 BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS ALL THE STUFF THAT MIGHT 37 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,867 POSSIBLY HAPPEN SOON, OR NOT. 38 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,768 TAKE THE DEBT CEILING. 39 00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:18,972 IF CONGRESS DOESN'T RAISE OUR COUNTRY'S BORROWING LIMIT BY 40 00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:24,444 OCTOBER 18, THE ENTIRE AMERICAN ECONOMY WILL HAVE A CATACLYSMIC 41 00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:25,478 MELTDOWN. 42 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:28,214 IT WOULD BE AN EASILY AVOIDABLE, UNTHINKABLE ACT OF 43 00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:29,516 SELF-DESTRUCTION. 44 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:30,517 SO, HIGHLY LIKELY. 45 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,520 ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S 46 00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:40,927 EDITION OF: >> "APOCALYPSE DOW: 47 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:45,398 COUNTDOWN TO MELTDOWN: DAWN OF THE DEBT." 48 00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:45,965 BRAAAINS! 49 00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:49,502 THEY HAVE NO BRAAAAAINS! 50 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,906 >> Stephen: LET ME SET THE STAGE: DEMOCRATS ARE READY TO 51 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:57,510 VOTE TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING, BUT REPUBLICANS ARE DOING 52 00:02:57,577 --> 00:03:01,047 NOTHING TO HELP AND PLENTY TO HINDER. 53 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:04,717 SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE COULD BE ON THE ROAD TO-- WHAT'S THIS? 54 00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:12,458 I'M BEING TOLD IN MY DEAF EAR THAT WE MIGHT HAVE NEWS ABOUT A 55 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:13,860 POTENTIALLY-HAPPENING SOLUTION TO AVOID NATIONAL CALAMITY. 56 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,429 THAT'S RIGHT-- WE'VE GOT A CRITICAL POSSIBLE NEWS ALERT. 57 00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:18,464 THIS JUST PERHAPS IN: A NEAR-ANNOUNCEMENT FROM LAST 58 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:22,335 NIGHT, WHEN PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN SAID THAT THERE'S A REAL 59 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:25,138 POSSIBILITY DEMOCRATS WILL CHANGE THE FILIBUSTER RULES TO 60 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:29,509 RAISE THE DEBT CEILING. 61 00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:30,243 OH MY DEMI-GOD. 62 00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:33,780 THIS IS NEAR HISTOR-ISH. 63 00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:40,320 IT REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY: 64 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,455 >> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON AND DO THE OTHER THINGS, 65 00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:45,525 POSSIBLY. OR NOT! 66 00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:46,726 SOUNDS HARD! 67 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:51,297 >> Stephen: THIS SHOULD BE A NO-BRAINER: JUST GET RID OF THE 68 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:52,398 FILIBUSTER! 69 00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:53,533 IT'S AN OLD RULE HISTORICALLY USED TO PRESERVE RACIST 70 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:54,667 POLICIES. 71 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,804 IT'S NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION, AND YET, IT'S BLOCKING THE 72 00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:01,040 UNITED STATES' ABILITY TO STAY SOLVENT. 73 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:04,310 KEEPING THE FILIBUSTER WOULD BE LIKE AN E.M.T. TRYING TO 74 00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:07,580 DEFIBRILLATE SOMEONE AND GOING: "HERE WE GO. 75 00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:12,085 YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D LOVE TO SAVE HIS LIFE BUT I CAN'T. 76 00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:14,921 HE'S WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY! 77 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:15,521 WELL, HE WILL BE MISSED. 78 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,523 WELL, NOT IN THOSE PANTS." 79 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:21,828 ( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 80 00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:23,763 NOW, THE POSSIBILITY OF THE DEMOCRATS BUSTING UP THE 81 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:29,002 FILIBUSTER BRINGS US TO "CRISIS IN POSSIBLY!" 82 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:33,439 POSSIBLY ADJUSTING THE FILIBUSTER RULES HAS MITCH 83 00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:37,143 McCONNELL SHAKING IN HIS ORTHOPEDIC WINGTIPS. 84 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:42,315 ( LAUGHTER ) SO EARLIER TODAY, McCONNELL SAID 85 00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:43,883 HIS PARTY WOULD ALLOW AN EXTENSION OF THE FEDERAL DEBT 86 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,151 CEILING INTO DECEMBER. 87 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:49,155 THEY'RE WILLING TO AVOID BLOWING UP THE WORLD'S FINANCIAL SYSTEM 88 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,823 UNTIL CHRISTMASTIME. 89 00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,526 SO, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER TO ASK SANTA FOR A FUNCTIONAL ECONOMY. 90 00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,496 AND THERE'S WORD THIS AFTERNOON THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE SIGNALING 91 00:04:56,562 --> 00:05:03,803 THAT THEY WOULD ACCEPT THIS McCONNELL WANTS IT. 92 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:04,971 WANTS IT. 93 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:05,638 SO IF THAT DOESN'T WORK-- I'M GETTING WORD THAT WE HAVE A 94 00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:09,876 BREAKING MAYBE! 95 00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:12,478 ANOTHER, EVEN MORE HYPOTHETICAL SOLUTION TO AMERICA'S DEBT 96 00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:14,213 CRISIS: A TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN COULD BE MINTED AT THE LAST 97 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,184 MINUTE. 98 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:24,357 NOW, I'M NO U.S. TREASURY EXPERT, BUT PLEASE, DO IT! 99 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:26,492 MAKE THE COIN AND MAKE IT AS BIG AS A MANHOLE COVER! 100 00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:29,929 FILL IT WITH CHOCOLATE, AND LET THE DEMOCRATS WIN IT IN A 101 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,498 HIGH-STAKES GAME OF DREIDEL! 102 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:33,199 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 103 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:42,175 ALL RIGHT, COME ON. 104 00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,410 ( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S HOW OPERATION MEGA-COIN 105 00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:50,416 WOULD WORK: THE PRESIDENT COULD ORDER THE TREASURY SECRETARY TO 106 00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:54,153 MINT A $1 TRILLION COIN, THEN DEPOSIT IT WITH THE FEDERAL 107 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,188 RESERVE. 108 00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:58,391 THEN, JUST LIKE THAT, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD HAVE AN 109 00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:03,796 ADDITIONAL $1 TRILLION TO PAY OFF ITS OBLIGATIONS. 110 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,466 I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING SO FITTING ABOUT BIDEN FIXING THIS 111 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,169 BY JUST PULLING A COIN OUT OF THIN AIR: 112 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:10,570 "HEY, 'MERICA. 113 00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:12,271 C'MERE, KIDDO. 114 00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:16,142 ( APPLAUSE ) COME SEE YOUR UNCLE JOE. 115 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,177 WHAT YOU GOT THERE BEHIND YOUR EAR? 116 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:21,748 OH, LOOK, IT'S $1 TRILLION. 117 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:23,249 THERE YOU GO! 118 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:30,790 BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE!" ( APPLAUSE ) 119 00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:36,963 BUT THIS ISN'T JUST ANY TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN. 120 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,164 OH, NO. 121 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,265 FOR STARTERS, IT HAS TO BE MADE OUT OF PLATINUM, BECAUSE THE 122 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:43,236 TREASURY HAS LIMITS ON PAPER, GOLD, SILVER, AND COPPER 123 00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:44,871 CURRENCY, BUT THERE'S NO LIMIT ON HOW MANY PLATINUM COINS 124 00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:46,839 IT CAN CIRCULATE, OR ON THEIR VALUE. 125 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,175 THIS COIN HAS PEOPLE ASKING, "WHAT WOULD THE $1 TRILLION COIN 126 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:54,013 LOOK LIKE?" NOW, IT HASN'T BEEN DECIDED, BUT 127 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,715 HERE'S MY PROPOSAL: ON THE TAILS SIDE, YOU HAVE A BALD EAGLE 128 00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:58,251 GETTING WASTED AT A SLOT MACHINE. 129 00:06:58,317 --> 00:06:59,552 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 130 00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:02,588 AND ON THE HEADS SIDE, AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE PLATINUM 131 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,291 FOX, JOHN SLATTERY. 132 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,092 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 133 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,027 ALL RIGHT? 134 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,830 WHAT IS-- ANDERSON COOPER WOULD ALSO BE ACCEPTABLE. 135 00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:11,964 WHAT'S THIS? 136 00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:16,803 AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE ANOTHER URGENT PERHAPS ALERT. 137 00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:18,805 ♪ ♪ ♪ THIS POTENTIAL NEWS MAY INVOLVE 138 00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:22,441 NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND GUY SAYING, "YOU TALKIN' TO ME? 139 00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:28,080 CUZ NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO TALK TO ME," BILL de BLASIO, 140 00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:36,823 HERE'S THE DEAL: de BLASIO IS REPORTEDLY POSSIBLY 141 00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:38,157 RUNNING FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR. 142 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:39,458 THERE'S STILL A LOT OF UNKNOWNS: WHAT HIS PLATFORM IS, WHAT HIS 143 00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:42,195 ANNOUNCEMENT DATE IS, AND WHAT HE'S SMOKING. 144 00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:44,497 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 145 00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:47,433 APPARENTLY, de BLASIO HAS BEEN SOUNDING OUT TRUSTED FORMER 146 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:51,604 AIDES ABOUT THEIR INTEREST IN WORKING ON A POTENTIAL 147 00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:52,772 CAMPAIGN. 148 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:56,742 HIS ONLY HOPE IS THAT THEY DON'T REMEMBER HIS PRESIDENTIAL 149 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,911 CAMPAIGN, WHEN HE FINISHED 47th BEHIND MICHAEL BENNET AND A 150 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,713 ROMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES. 151 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,015 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 152 00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:10,189 ROOMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES-- ROOMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES, STRONG 153 00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:11,224 PLATFORM. 154 00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:12,959 HOPES AREN'T HIGH FROM de BLASIO'S FELLOW NEW YORK 155 00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:14,126 DEMOCRATS. 156 00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:16,929 FORMER CONGRESSMAN CHARLES RANGEL WAS ASKED TO WEIGH IN ON 157 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,966 A de BLASIO RUN, AND HE REPLIED, "I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN 158 00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:22,301 ANYTHING THAT WOULD BE NEGATIVE, AND I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING 159 00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:24,337 POSITIVE." 160 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:27,874 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 161 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:28,474 I CAN! 162 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,810 I'M POSITIVE HE WON'T WIN. 163 00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:33,045 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF THE UNPOPULAR, 164 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,414 FACEBOOK FOUNDER AND MAN WATCHING THE WAITER WALK RIGHT 165 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:49,729 BY EVEN THOUGH HE'S CLEARLY READY TO ORDER, MARK ZUCKERBERG. 166 00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:51,697 UP UNTIL NOW, ZUCKERBERG HAS BEEN SILENT ABOUT A 167 00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,566 WHISTLEBLOWER REVEALING THAT FACEBOOK HAS MISLED THE PUBLIC 168 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,535 ABOUT THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF ITS PLATFORMS ON CHILDREN AND 169 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,638 TEENS, ESPECIALLY YOUNG GIRLS, AND THAT FACEBOOK'S MECHANICS 170 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,039 FURTHER THE SPREAD OF MISINFORMATION. 171 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,574 THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ON FACEBOOK. 172 00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:03,876 I GET MY NEWS FROM A MORE RELIABLE SOURCE: PANTSLESS GUY 173 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,345 ON THE SUBWAY. 174 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:08,981 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 175 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,783 BUT LAST NIGHT, ZUCKERBERG ENDED HIS SILENCE AND ADDRESSED THE 176 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:15,454 WHISTLEBLOWER'S CHARGES: >> I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE MORE 177 00:09:15,521 --> 00:09:17,690 SOPHISTICATED AND... 178 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:18,190 >> BLEEP! 179 00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:19,191 BLORP! 180 00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:21,494 WE FEED ON YOUR HATE! 181 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:21,894 ZUCK BOT! 182 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:22,228 DESTROY! 183 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:25,164 ZUCK BOT! 184 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:30,169 DESTROY!" >> Stephen: REALLY HUMANIZES 185 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,170 HIM. 186 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,572 ZUCK ACTUALLY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 187 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:34,173 SURE. 188 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,176 ROBOTD MASTERS! 189 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,344 ROBOT MASTERS! 190 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,645 ZUCK ACTUALLY POSTED A STATEMENT DEFENDING FACEBOOK AGAINST 191 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:43,716 CHARGES THAT THEIR ALGORITHM ENCOURAGES CONFLICT, EXPLAINING, 192 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:46,085 "I DON'T KNOW ANY TECH COMPANY THAT SETS OUT TO BUILD PRODUCTS 193 00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:46,652 THAT MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY." 194 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,155 REALLY? 195 00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,156 I DO. 196 00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:54,160 IT'S CALLED cnn.com. 197 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,161 ( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS THE VIDEO EMBEDDED IN THE 198 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,029 ARTICLE NOT ABOUT THE ARTICLE? 199 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:01,000 IF I CLICK A LINK ABOUT THE ALBUQUERQUE BALLOON FESTIVAL, I 200 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,102 DON'T WANT TO WATCH A VIDEO WHERE VAN JONES SITS DOWNWITH 201 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,670 UNDECIDED VOTERS. 202 00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:10,176 ( APPLAUSE ) AFTER WATCHING THE AFTER THE 203 00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,978 SAME HUMIRA AD TWICE! 204 00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:16,148 BUT IN THIS UNCERTAIN WORLD OF SHADOWS AND GLOOM WHERE SWALLOWS 205 00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:24,724 CANNOT BE TOLD FROM BATS, NOR GIFTS FROM THREATS, THERE IS BUT 206 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,158 ONE THING THAT WE KNOW ACTUALLY HAPPENED: "FAT BEAR WEEK" HAS A 207 00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:26,659 WINNER! 208 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:28,494 THE RESULTS ARE IN! 209 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,597 ( APPLAUSE ) AND, HOPEFULLY, THEY'RE LESS 210 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:34,467 CONTROVERSIAL THAN THOSE FROM BUFF GIRAFFE MONTH. 211 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:37,036 LOOK AT THOSE NECK ABS! 212 00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:41,407 "FAT BEAR WEEK" IS AN ANNUAL TRADITION WHEREIN PEOPLE VOTE 213 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:45,811 ONLINE FOR THE FATTEST, MOST ENGORGED, AND HIBERNATION-READY 214 00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:49,415 BEAR IN KATMAI NATIONAL PARK, ALASKA. 215 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,851 AND ONCE AGAIN, THE WINNER IS 480 OTIS. 216 00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:54,186 JUST LOOK AT HIS WINTER TRANSFORMATION. 217 00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:57,123 DAMMMN! 218 00:10:57,189 --> 00:11:03,562 THAT BEAR'S GOT A LITTLE EXTRA PADDINGTON. 219 00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:06,499 THAT BEAR IS SO FAT, HE USES CHARMIN BEARS AS TOILET PAPER. 220 00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:10,302 THIS WIN IS EXTRA SWEET, BECAUSE AT APPROXIMATELY 25 YEARS OLD, 221 00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,239 OTIS IS ONE OF THE OLDEST BEARS IN THE COMPETITION. 222 00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:14,373 YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYONE? 223 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:18,344 NO MATTER HOW MUCH LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN, JUST REMEMBER: 224 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,946 YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE FAT. 225 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,783 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 226 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:31,924 ARE YOU LISTENING-- YOU LISTENING, TOM BRADY? 227 00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:34,193 OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE WAS CELEBRATING OTIS' VICTORY, 228 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,763 BECAUSE MANY ONLINE WERE ROOTING FOR LAST YEAR'S WINNER, THE 229 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:41,500 "HIPPO-ESQUE" 747, WHO-- AND I JUST LEARNED THIS TODAY-- HAS 230 00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:44,236 THE NICKNAME COLBERT. 231 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:48,574 I CAN'T WAIT TO LEARN WHY THIS BEAR WAS NAMED AFTER ME. 232 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,811 IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH SO FIERCE? 233 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,846 IS IT BECAUSE WE BOTH EAT OUR OWN WEIGHT IN SALMON? 234 00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:55,114 WHAT COULD IT BE? 235 00:11:55,181 --> 00:12:02,288 >> ONE OF THE THINGS WE NOTICED ABOUT HIM WAS HIS RIGHT EAR WAS 236 00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:04,990 A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN HIS LEFT EAR. 237 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,293 AND IF YOU WATCH STEPHEN COLBERT, YOU WILL SEE THAT HIS 238 00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:11,097 EAR ALSO HAS A LITTLE OUTWARD, DOWNWARD-- IT'S DIFFERENT FROM 239 00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:12,231 HIS OTHER EAR. 240 00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,400 AND I'M NOT HURTING HIS FEELINGS-- LIKE HE EVEN WATCHES 241 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,569 THIS-- BUT I'M NOT HURTING HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE HE POINTS IT 242 00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:19,972 OUT A LOT, THAT HIS EARS DON'T MATCH UP. 243 00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:24,276 747'S EAR LOOKED A LITTLE WONKY, LIKE STEPHEN COLBERT'S EAR DOES. 244 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:34,320 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 245 00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:40,159 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 246 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:47,099 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT. 247 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:53,939 THAT DOESN'T HURT MY FEELINGS ( LAUGHTER ) 248 00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:57,543 I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY RIGHT EAR AT ALL. 249 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,944 IT'S NOT LIKE HUMANS CONSIDER SYMMETRY ATTRACTIVE AND ALL 250 00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:01,780 ASYMMETRICAL PEOPLE ARE FREAKS WHO ARE SUITED ONLY FOR THE 251 00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:02,448 CIRCUS OR LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION. 252 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,582 I'M FINE. 253 00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:04,783 MATTER OF FACT, I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT-- 254 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:09,588 WHICH IS EASY, BECAUSE I'M DEAF IN THAT EAR. 255 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,525 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 256 00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,426 MY GUESTS ARE BRET BAIER AND "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" STAR, 257 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:16,629 SUSIE ESSMAN. 258 00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,798 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, A FEW CELEBRITY FRIENDS CELEBRATE 259 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,867 HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. 260 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,569 JOIN US, WON'T YOU? 261 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,381 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 262 00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,349 LOOK OVER THERE. 263 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:13,485 JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN! 264 00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:21,994 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 265 00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:24,530 >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. 266 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:28,834 JON, YOU KNOW, OUR GUESTS-- YOU KNOW WHO OUR GUESTS ARE TONIGHT? 267 00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:29,969 HAVE YOU LOOKED? 268 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:33,772 HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE BORDER TO SEE WHO WE HAVE TONIGHT? 269 00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,873 >> Jon: YES, BRET BAIER. 270 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,844 >> Stephen: FOX NEWS BRET BAIER. 271 00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:41,847 THE NEWS GUY, AND FROM "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM," SUSIE ESSMAN IS 272 00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:42,915 HERE TONIGHT. 273 00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:46,051 ( APPLAUSE ) I JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THEY'RE 274 00:14:46,118 --> 00:14:47,386 NO LONGER DATING. 275 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,654 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, WOW. 276 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,457 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GET INTO IT WITH BOTH OF THEM, FIND 277 00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:54,293 OUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHY NOT? 278 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,330 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M DYING TO KNOW. 279 00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,365 I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. 280 00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,734 YOU HAVE TO ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. 281 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:02,768 QUESTIONS. 282 00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,970 ( LAUGHTER ) JON, DID YOU KNOW MY HEAD WAS 283 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:05,604 ASYMMETRICAL. 284 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:06,639 DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY EARS? 285 00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:08,007 DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? 286 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,575 >> Jon: YES, I NOTICED THAT. 287 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,044 AND THEN ONE DAY YOU POINTED IT OUT TO ME. 288 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,078 >> Stephen: YEAH. 289 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:16,415 >> BY TAKING ONE EAR -- >> Stephen: AND DOING THIS 290 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:17,516 THING RIGHT HERE. 291 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:21,086 SEE IF THE BEAR CAN DO THIS. 292 00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,755 CAN HE DO THAT? 293 00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:23,656 SEE RIGHT THERE? 294 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:33,932 ( APPLAUSE ) CAN WE SHOW THAT ON CBS? 295 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:38,637 IS THAT TOO EROTIC FOR CBS WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE? 296 00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:41,373 HIS EAR GOT TURGID. 297 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,375 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU'RE UPSET. 298 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:47,179 NOW YOU'RE UPSET. 299 00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:52,084 WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH WHICH OF COURSE-- 300 00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,520 ( APPLAUSE ) ABSOLUTELY, GIVE IT UP. 301 00:15:54,586 --> 00:16:04,797 WHICH YOU MAY KNOW RUNS FROM SEPTEMBER 15 THROUGH OCTOBER 15. 302 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,099 NOW, IT SEEMS STRANGE THAT IT RUNS MID-MONTH, BUT IT'S BECAUSE 303 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,500 LATIN AMERICAN CALENDARS ARE METRIC. 304 00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:10,703 BUT IT'S ALSO DUE TO THE FACT THAT SEPTEMBER 15 MARKS THE 305 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:13,005 ANNIVERSARY OF INDEPENDENCE FROM SPAIN IN EL SALVADOR, COSTA 306 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:20,546 RICA, GUATEMALA, HONDURAS, AND NICARAGUA-- OR AS I'M PROPOSING 307 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,881 CALLING THEM: "EL COSTA MALA HONDUR-AGUA." 308 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:26,919 I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S IMPORTANT TO CELEBRATE HISPANIC 309 00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:29,722 HERITAGE MONTH-- EVEN IF WE CAN'T AGREE ON WHAT TO CALL IT-- 310 00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:30,956 BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF DEBATE AROUND TERMS LIKE "HISPANIC," 311 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:35,127 "LATINO," "LATINA," AND "LATINX." 312 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:43,102 I AM INFORMED THAT THESE ARE ALL ACCEPTABLE TERMS BUT THEY'RE NOT 313 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,336 INTERCHANGEABLE . 314 00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,871 I HAVE LEARNED THAT HISPANICS ARE PEOPLE WHO SHARE THE COMMON 315 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,475 LANGUAGE OF SPANISH, SO THAT INCLUDES PEOPLE FROM SPAIN, MANY 316 00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:51,243 LATIN AMERICAN COUNTRIES, AND WHEREVER THIS GUY COMES FROM: 317 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:53,512 >> HASTA LA VISTA, BABY. 318 00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,881 >> Stephen: ON THE OTHER HAND, LATINOS ARE PEOPLE FROM LATIN 319 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:59,351 AMERICA, SO THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE SPAIN BUT DOES INCLUDE BRAZIL 320 00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:01,987 AND HAITI, WHICH AREN'T SPANISH SPEAKING. 321 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:06,592 AND LATINX IS PREFERRED BY SOME U.S.-BORN LATINOS, AND ALSO 322 00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:09,161 THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE IT MORE GENDER INCLUSIVE. 323 00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,931 AND, OF COURSE, "LATIN-EX" IS ALSO THE GIRL WHO BROKE YOUR 324 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,467 HEART DURING A STUDY ABROAD IN BARTHELONA. 325 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:20,472 ( LAUGHTER ) "I MITH YOU, MARIA." 326 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:25,144 PLUS, THE HISTORY OF THESE WORDS IS COMPLICATED. 327 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,446 THE U.S. GOVERNMENT DIDN'T EVEN START USING THE WORD "HISPANIC" 328 00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:30,149 UNTIL IT WAS INTRODUCED IN THE 1970 CENSUS BY THE NIXON 329 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:33,852 ADMINISTRATION. 330 00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:36,054 AND I THINK WE ALWAYS SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE REFERRING TO 331 00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,891 MINORITIES BY WHAT NIXON USED TO CALL THEM. 332 00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:40,492 ( LAUGHTER ) SO WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" 333 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:43,328 DECIDED THAT THE BEST POLICY WAS TO ASK SOME OF OUR HISPANIC, 334 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,631 LATINO, AND LATINX FRIENDS WHAT THEY PREFER TO BE CALLED. 335 00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:47,332 MIRA. 336 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:54,706 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> I WAS BORN IN SPAIN. 337 00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:58,644 SO THAT MAKES ME HISPANIC. 338 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:03,382 AND BECAUSE I'M HISPANIC, THIS MAKES ME FIVE TIMES SEXIER WHEN 339 00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:15,260 I SAY THINGS LIKE " ( SPEAKING SPANISH ) 340 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:19,498 >> I STRUGGLE WITH IDENTITY A LOT, AND, YOU KNOW, IF I AM 341 00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:26,772 AMERICAN AND MY NAME IS AMERICA, THEN, LIKE, HOW AM I NOT CAPTAIN 342 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:27,773 AMERICA? 343 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:32,044 ( LAUGHTER ) >> THE TRUTH IS I JUST WANT TO 344 00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:33,011 BE CALL, PERIOD. 345 00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,981 THAT WAS A MESSAGE FROM MY GRANDCHILDREN. 346 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,249 ( LAUGHTER ). 347 00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:46,291 >> ALL HISPANICS AREN'T LATINOS, AND ALL LATINOS AREN'T HISPANIC. 348 00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:50,596 BUT ALL LATINOS AND ALL HISPANICS ARE INCREDIBLE 349 00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:51,530 HANDSOME. 350 00:18:51,597 --> 00:18:53,465 ( LAUGHTER ) >> HOW DO YOU PREFER TO BE 351 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:54,366 CALLED? 352 00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,935 I LIKE TO BE CALLED ON MY HAMBURGER PHONE. 353 00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:58,704 IT LOOKS SO SILLY, THERE'S JUST NO WAY IT'S GOING TO BE BAD 354 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:00,072 NEWS. 355 00:19:00,138 --> 00:19:00,772 HOLA. 356 00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:04,743 AMIGOS. 357 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,278 >> Stephen: "THANK YOU" IN SPANISH, EVERYBODY. 358 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:10,015 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FOX NEWS CHIEF POLITICAL ANCHOR, 359 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,183 BRET BAIER. 360 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,110 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 361 00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:43,882 WELCOME BACK! 362 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:46,752 HEY, EVERYBODY! 363 00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:50,155 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOINING ME NOW IS THE ANCHOR OF "SPECIAL 364 00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,390 REPORT WITH BRET BAIER," AND THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, "TO 365 00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:53,058 RESCUE THE REPUBLIC." 366 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,094 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRET BAIER! 367 00:19:56,161 --> 00:20:08,140 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 368 00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,342 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK WITH A 369 00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,411 LIVE AUDIENCE. 370 00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:13,812 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 371 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:17,549 BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE, YOU KNOW, I-- THIS IS ESSENTIALLY A 372 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:21,119 SHOW WHERE PEOPLE HAVE THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 373 00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:24,122 DURING THE DAY, AND THEIR OWN ANXIETIES AND THEIR OWN 374 00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:25,357 OPINIONS. 375 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,159 AND THEN I GO OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT AND GIVE MY OWN ANXIETIES 376 00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:28,927 AND OPINIONS, AND SOMETIMES THEY AGREE AND LAUGH. 377 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:32,497 I JUST WANT TO GET THE RULES BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE. 378 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,332 YOU'RE A NEWS MAN. 379 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,399 >> THANK YOU. 380 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,369 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A JOURNALIST YOU AND CHRIS WALLACE 381 00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:41,707 ARE THE TWO CLOSEST THINGS WE'VE GOT TO JOURNALISM AT FOX NEWS. 382 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:45,510 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- I-- I WATCH YOUR SHOW-- 383 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:46,511 ( APPLAUSE ). 384 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,013 I KNOW, YOU CAN'T SAY A THING. 385 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,014 YOU CAN'T SAY A THING. 386 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,283 >> THERE ARE MANY OTHER JOURNALISTS. 387 00:20:51,350 --> 00:20:52,117 >> Stephen: WHAT? 388 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:55,754 >> MANY OTHER JOURNALISTS WILL AT FOX. 389 00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:56,555 25 YEARS. 390 00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:57,856 >> Stephen: THIS FRIDAY IS 25 YEARS. 391 00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,691 SO CONGRATULATIONS TO SOME OF YOU OVER THERE. 392 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,660 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING-- I DO 393 00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:04,529 RESPECT YOU, AND I WATCH YOUR SHOW, AND I GET INFORMED. 394 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:08,934 CAN YOU HAVE OPINIONS ABOUT SOMETHING, OR DO YOU HAVE TO BE 395 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,303 ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT DOWN THE LINE AND NEUTRAL? 396 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,672 BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY OVER THERE PUTS THEIR OPINIONS 397 00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:14,406 ON THEIR SLEEVES. 398 00:21:14,473 --> 00:21:15,607 AND I DON'T SEE THAT FROM YOU. 399 00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:19,311 >> YEAH, SO I'M TRYING, IN THAT HOUR, TO BE AS STRAIGHT AS I 400 00:21:19,378 --> 00:21:20,746 CAN, BUT I'M NOT A ROBOT. 401 00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:22,014 I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS. 402 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,752 I JUST TRY NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL ABOUT DIFFERENT TOPICS AND MAKE 403 00:21:26,818 --> 00:21:28,754 SURE EACH SIDE GETS A SAY ON THE SHOW. 404 00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:31,189 >> Stephen: LIKE A LOT OF NATIONAL REPORTERS, YOU STARTED 405 00:21:31,256 --> 00:21:32,924 OUT IN LOCAL NEWS STATIONS. 406 00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:35,293 I RECENTLY FOUND OUT YOU HAVE HISTORY IN SOUTH CAROLINA. 407 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,461 >> YES! 408 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,930 >> Stephen: YOU WERE A LOCAL NEWS REPORTER-- WHERE IN SOUTH 409 00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:40,198 CAROLINA? 410 00:21:40,265 --> 00:21:45,103 >> EYE LITTLE STATION WALD WJWJ, IN BY FORD, SOUTH CAROLINA, AND 411 00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:49,274 I WAS THE LOW-COUNTRY BUREAU GUY IN HILTON HEAD. 412 00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:50,742 TOUGH ASSIGNMENT. 413 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:52,678 >> Stephen: WAS IS CBS? 414 00:21:52,744 --> 00:21:54,613 >> PBS, THE BIG MONEY. 415 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,448 >> Stephen: THE LONG GREEN. 416 00:21:56,515 --> 00:22:00,385 >> I WAS THE ONE-MAN BAND-- THE PHOTOGRAPHER, EDITOR, REPORTER. 417 00:22:00,452 --> 00:22:05,357 I COVERED BIG STORIES LIKE LOGGERHEAD SEA TURTLE NESTING, 418 00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:09,394 AND WHAT COLOR THE AZALEAS WERE IN THE MEDIAN. 419 00:22:09,461 --> 00:22:12,731 AND I DELIVERED FOOD AND I WAS A BARTENDER AT APPLEBEE'S. 420 00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:16,768 SO I WOULD FINISH MY DAY JOB, DO THE STORY, AND THEN I'D BE 421 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:17,936 DELIVERING FOOD. 422 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,906 AND THE GUY WOULD SAY AT THE DOOR, "AREN'T YOU THE REPORTER 423 00:22:20,972 --> 00:22:23,542 AT CHANNEL 6?" I SAID, "YEAH, I AM. 424 00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:28,680 DID YOU ORDER THE CALZONE?" >> Stephen: THIS JUST IN. 425 00:22:28,747 --> 00:22:29,715 >> THIS JUST IN. 426 00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:32,451 >> Stephen: YOUR JALAPENO POPPERS. 427 00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:35,420 >> AND I MIXED DRINKING AT APPLEBEE'S. 428 00:22:35,487 --> 00:22:37,355 >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT WHOSE HAPPENING TODAY. 429 00:22:37,422 --> 00:22:40,659 WE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT IN THE MONOLOGUE TODAY. 430 00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:43,228 A LOT OF IT IS POTENTIAL THINGS HAPPENING. 431 00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:46,465 IT SEEMS THE NEWS OF THE DAY IS SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN-- AN 432 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:50,736 INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL, SUBPOENA APPEARANCES-- WILL PEOPLE SHOW 433 00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:56,141 UP FOR THEIR SUBPOENAS HAVING TO DO WITH THE JANUARY SIXTH RIOTS. 434 00:22:56,208 --> 00:23:03,215 CONSEQUENCES FOR THOSE INSEREXISTS. 435 00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:05,150 DOES THIS DEBT CEILING DEAL GO THROUGH? 436 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,619 I HEARD SOMETHING RIGHT BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE. 437 00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:11,389 >> THE DEMOCRATS ACCEPTED MITCH McCONNELL'S DEAL TO PUNT, 438 00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:15,794 WHICH IS WHAT WASHINGTON DOES QUITE A LOT, IS THEY PUNT TO THE 439 00:23:15,861 --> 00:23:17,062 NEXT FISCAL CLIFF. 440 00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,497 SO NOW THEY'VE PUNTED TO DECEMBER. 441 00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:22,000 AND THEN THEY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A DEAL TO EITHER GO THROUGH 442 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:25,871 WITH RECONCILIATION, WHICH IS LESS THAN 60 VOTES, OR WE COME 443 00:23:25,937 --> 00:23:26,805 TO ANOTHER CALAMITY. 444 00:23:26,872 --> 00:23:30,175 >> Stephen: I HEARD McCONNELL WANTS IT TO BE 445 00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:31,977 RECONCILIATION, MEANING LESS THAN 60 VOTES, AND THE DEMOCRATS 446 00:23:32,043 --> 00:23:36,748 HAVE SAID, "NO, NO, WE HAVE TO GO TO DO IT THROUGH REGULAR 447 00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:40,285 ORDER, MEANING WE NEED 60 VOTES SO 10 OF YOU HAVE TO COME OVER." 448 00:23:40,352 --> 00:23:41,386 >> THAT'S TRUE. 449 00:23:41,453 --> 00:23:43,588 >> Stephen: THAT MEANS IT STILL MAY NOT HAPPEN BECAUSE 450 00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:47,259 THEY'RE NOT TAKING THE OFFER EXACTLY AS McCONNELL WANTS, 451 00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:49,795 AND HE TENDS TO LIKE THINGS THE WAY HE LIKES THEM. 452 00:23:49,861 --> 00:23:50,929 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 453 00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:53,899 AND McCONNELL HAS A SHORT MEMORY AND LOOKS BACK AT WHEN 454 00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,968 REPUBLICANS WERE FORCED TO VOTE ON A DEBT CEILING BY THEMSELVES. 455 00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:58,637 AND THIS IS POLITICS IN WASHINGTON. 456 00:23:58,703 --> 00:24:01,673 WE ARE ALWAYS ONE ELECTION AWAY FROM SOLVING BIG THINGS, IT 457 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:02,908 SEEMS. 458 00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:05,610 THIS, TODAY, WAS A HUGE PUNT TO DECEMBER, WHICH IS GOING TO BE 459 00:24:05,677 --> 00:24:06,778 ANOTHER CLIFF. 460 00:24:06,845 --> 00:24:08,413 >> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT. 461 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,751 BECAUSE WHEN YOU SAID, "WE'RE ALWAYS ONE ELECTION AWAY 462 00:24:12,818 --> 00:24:15,620 FROM..." I DID NOT THINK "SOLVING BIG THINGS" WOULD BE 463 00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:16,788 THE END OF THAT SENTENCE. 464 00:24:16,855 --> 00:24:19,191 WE SEEM TO BE ONE ELECTION AWAY FROM CHAOS AT THIS POINT. 465 00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:21,126 >> WELL, THAT'S TRUE. 466 00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:24,229 AND, YOU KNOW, THE FACT THAT IT'S SO SLIM, THE MAJORITIES IN 467 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:27,132 THE HOUSE AND SENATE, MAKES IT REALLY TOUGH TO GET BIG, BIG 468 00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:27,699 THINGS THROUGH. 469 00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:28,366 THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE. 470 00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:29,568 AND WE'LL SEE IF THEY DO. 471 00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:31,403 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 472 00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:36,208 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK BRET HOW THE CONTENTS OF 473 00:24:36,274 --> 00:24:39,511 THIS BOOK ARE RELATED TO THE INSURRECTION ON JANUARY 6. 474 00:24:39,578 --> 00:24:40,145 STICK AROUND. 475 00:24:52,858 --> 00:24:55,493 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF 476 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,764 "TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC," BRET BAIER. 477 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:04,769 WELL, THE BOOK IS CALLED "TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC," AS I SAID. 478 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:09,207 AND IT'S ABOUT ULYSSES S. GRANT. 479 00:25:09,274 --> 00:25:11,443 LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT-- 480 00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:12,677 THAT WASN'T EVEN HIS NAME. 481 00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:14,913 >> HIS NAME WAS HIRAM ULYSSES GRANT AND HIS FATHER WANTED HIM 482 00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:18,550 TO GO TO WEST POINT AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO. 483 00:25:18,617 --> 00:25:23,455 HE GETS THE APPOINTMENT, THEY GET TO WEST POINT AND THEY SAID 484 00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:26,725 YOUR NAME IS ULYSSES S. GRANT. 485 00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:31,396 AND THEY SAID YOU CAN ONLY HAVE THE APPOINTMENT WITH ULYSSES S. 486 00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:31,796 GRANT. 487 00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,365 THERE IS NO S. 488 00:25:33,431 --> 00:25:35,300 IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING. 489 00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:38,904 SO THE CADET WHO WERE WITH HIM CALLED HIM SAM, AND "UNCLE SAM" 490 00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:40,138 STUCK AFTER THAT. 491 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:46,211 >> Stephen: THE BOOK STARTS ON JANUARY 6, 2021, THE ACTUAL RIOT 492 00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:46,945 INSURRECTION ON CAPITOL HILL. 493 00:25:47,012 --> 00:25:48,313 WHY DID YOU START IT THERE? 494 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:51,149 >> SO I WAS ENDING THE BOOK AND PUTTING ALL THESE THINGS 495 00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,319 TOGETHER, AND I WAS COVERING JANUARY 6. 496 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:58,924 AND COVERING ALL OF THE RIOT AND ALL THAT WAS HAPPENING REAL 497 00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:03,962 TIME, AND IN 1876, WHICH IS REALLY THE CLIMAX OF THIS BOOK, 498 00:26:04,029 --> 00:26:07,365 GRANT AS PRESIDENT MAKES A GRAND BARGAIN AND HOLDS THE COUNTRY 499 00:26:07,432 --> 00:26:09,734 TOGETHER AS AN ELECTION IS CONTESTED. 500 00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:12,938 LOUISIANA, FLORIDA, SOUTH CAROLINA REFUSED TO MOVE 501 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:14,039 ELECTORS UP. 502 00:26:14,105 --> 00:26:16,474 AND SO HE DOES THIS GRAND BARGAIN WITH REPUBLICANS AND 503 00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:19,711 DEMOCRATS TO HOLD EVERYTHING TOGETHER. 504 00:26:19,778 --> 00:26:22,280 THIS 2020, OBVIOUSLY, WAS ANOTHER ELECTION WHERE THERE 505 00:26:22,347 --> 00:26:26,451 WERE PEOPLE VERY UPSET ABOUT IT, AND THAT MOMENT, THAT CHAOS, 506 00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:32,090 THAT DARK DAY IN WASHINGTON IS SIMILAR TO WHAT WE SAW IN 1876. 507 00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:39,230 >> Stephen: PART OF HIM SORT OF BRINGING AN END TO THAT 508 00:26:39,297 --> 00:26:41,866 CONFLICT OVER WHO HAD WON THE PRESIDENTIAL RECOLLECTION WAS 509 00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:45,537 THE COMPROMISE THAT PULLED UNION TROOPS OUT OF THE SOUTH. 510 00:26:45,603 --> 00:26:46,604 >> EXACTLY. 511 00:26:46,671 --> 00:26:48,039 >> Stephen: WHICH ESSENTIALLY ENDED RECONSTRUCTION. 512 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:49,207 >> IT DOES. 513 00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:53,078 >> Stephen: SO WE NEVER REALLY HAD A RECONSTRUCTION OF THE 514 00:26:53,144 --> 00:26:57,849 CONFEDERACY, WHICH IS WHY, AS MY FRIEND CHARLEMAGNE SAID, WE 515 00:26:57,916 --> 00:26:59,384 NEVER DE-CRACKERRIFIED AMERICA. 516 00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,154 AND YOU HAD PEOPLE STILL BELIEVING IN THE CONFEDERACY 517 00:27:03,221 --> 00:27:07,225 HAVING THE RIGHT TO RISE AGAIN AND MARCHING INTO THE CAPITOL 518 00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:11,863 JANUARY 6, 2021, AND CARRYING THE FLAG, AND THERE SEEMS A 519 00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:14,632 RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THAT DEAL AND THE FACT THAT THE SOUTH IS 520 00:27:14,699 --> 00:27:16,267 STILL A CAUSE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. 521 00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:18,003 >> THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT. 522 00:27:18,069 --> 00:27:22,474 ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT IT IS GRANT KNEW RECONSTRCONSTRUCTION 523 00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:27,112 RUN ITS COURSE, AND THE SOUTH WAS NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH IT. 524 00:27:27,178 --> 00:27:28,380 THEY WERE ALREADY RIOTING. 525 00:27:28,446 --> 00:27:30,448 BY MAKING THIS DEAL, HE GOT THEM TO ESSENTIALLY SIGN ON TO BEING 526 00:27:30,515 --> 00:27:33,752 A PART OF THE UNION WITHOUT FALLING BACK INTO A CIVIL WAR. 527 00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:37,889 YOU KNOW, GRANT, WE FORGET, THE 13th, 14th, 15th 528 00:27:37,956 --> 00:27:39,791 AMENDMENTS OF THE CONSTITUTION ARE BECAUSE OF GRANT. 529 00:27:39,858 --> 00:27:43,895 AND HE FOUGHT THE K.K.K. WITH FEDERAL TROOPS. 530 00:27:43,962 --> 00:27:47,465 HE REALLY FOUGHT FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS, BLACK COMMUNITIES TO 531 00:27:47,532 --> 00:27:51,503 BE CITIZENS AND TO HAVE A REAL LIFE IN AMERICA. 532 00:27:51,569 --> 00:27:55,507 AND BECAUSE THE CIVIL RIGHTS ERA HAD TO COME YEARS LATER, A LOT 533 00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:57,509 OF PEOPLE POINT BACK TO THAT MOMENT. 534 00:27:57,575 --> 00:28:00,045 BUT GRANT DID AMAZING THINGS IN HIS TWO TERMS. 535 00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:03,948 >> Stephen: I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM THE 536 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:07,352 ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF ULYSSES S. 537 00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:10,488 GRANT, BUT I DO BELIEVE THE PRESSURES PUT ON HIM AT THAT 538 00:28:10,555 --> 00:28:13,058 MOMENT ACTUALLY LED TO A... 539 00:28:13,124 --> 00:28:15,860 STRANGLING THE IDEA IN THE CRADLE OF REFORMING THE SOUTH. 540 00:28:15,927 --> 00:28:16,995 >> I AGREE. 541 00:28:17,062 --> 00:28:18,863 >> Stephen: BECAUSE WHILE THERE WAS RIOTING, THAT'S WHAT 542 00:28:18,930 --> 00:28:20,065 THE TROOPS WERE FOR. 543 00:28:20,131 --> 00:28:23,902 >> AND ALSO ANDREW JOHNSON, AFTER LINCOLN, WAS A RACIST KIND 544 00:28:23,968 --> 00:28:24,636 OF PRESIDENT. 545 00:28:24,702 --> 00:28:28,106 >> Stephen: YEAH, DEEPLY CORRUPT. 546 00:28:28,173 --> 00:28:31,076 AND THERE WAS ALSO A FAIR AMOUNT OF CORRUPTION IN GRANT'S 547 00:28:31,142 --> 00:28:31,776 ADMINISTRATION AS WELL. 548 00:28:31,843 --> 00:28:33,645 DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT AT ALL? 549 00:28:33,711 --> 00:28:37,248 >> YES, AND WE DEAL WITH ALL OF THE CORRUPTION. 550 00:28:37,315 --> 00:28:38,483 HE TRUSTED A LOT OF PEOPLE. 551 00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:44,355 HE WASN'T A POLITICIAN BEFORE, AND HE HAD A LOT OF FOIBLES, A 552 00:28:44,422 --> 00:28:45,824 LOT OF FLAWS. 553 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:49,627 BUT HE, IF YOU LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, WAS A BIG LEADER. 554 00:28:49,694 --> 00:28:53,164 AND THE BOOK ENDS-- IT BEGINS ON JANUARY 6, BUT IT ENDS WITH 555 00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:56,501 PROTESTERS IN SAN FRANCISCO RIPPING DOWN A GRANT STATUE. 556 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:59,504 AND THEN BEING ASKED, "WHY ARE YOU RIPPING THIS DOWN?" 557 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,372 AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE DOING IT. 558 00:29:01,439 --> 00:29:04,576 AND I JUST THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK BACK IN 559 00:29:04,642 --> 00:29:08,813 HISTORY AND REALIZE WHO DID WHAT AND HOW WE CAN LEARN FROM IT 560 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:09,981 GOING FORWARD. 561 00:29:10,048 --> 00:29:11,516 >> Stephen: WELL, BRET, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU AGAIN, THANKS SO 562 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:12,117 MUCH. 563 00:29:12,183 --> 00:29:14,252 >> THANKS A LOT, STEPHEN. 564 00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:16,554 >> Stephen: THE BOOK, "TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC" IS AVAILABLE 565 00:29:16,621 --> 00:29:17,689 OCTOBER 12. 566 00:29:17,755 --> 00:29:19,724 THE MAN IS BRET BAIER, EVERYBODY. 567 00:29:19,791 --> 00:29:23,428 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" STAR, SUSIE 568 00:29:23,495 --> 00:29:24,028 ESSMAN. 569 00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:52,724 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, HEY! 570 00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:55,026 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 571 00:29:55,093 --> 00:29:58,630 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, 572 00:29:58,696 --> 00:30:00,165 ACTRESS, AND WRITER. 573 00:30:00,231 --> 00:30:01,933 SHE STARS AS SUSIE GREENE ON "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM," WHICH 574 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,235 IS RETURNING FOR ITS 11th SEASON. 575 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:08,206 >> AND I WANT TO MAKE A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP. 576 00:30:08,273 --> 00:30:09,307 YES, TO FRIENDSHIP. 577 00:30:09,374 --> 00:30:12,210 >> TO FRIENDSHIP AND TO BE WITH EVERYONE. 578 00:30:12,277 --> 00:30:15,313 >> CASSIE, HARRY. 579 00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:18,616 >> CHEERS! 580 00:30:18,683 --> 00:30:20,518 >> CHEERS! 581 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:23,555 LARRY, YOU CAN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TOAST? 582 00:30:23,621 --> 00:30:24,989 >> LOUIE IN THE EYE? 583 00:30:25,056 --> 00:30:25,857 TOWARDS WHAT END? 584 00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:27,859 >> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. 585 00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:28,993 LOOK THEM IN THE EYE. 586 00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:33,131 >> WHAT IS THIS A SEANCE, RAISING PEOPLE FROM THE DEAD. 587 00:30:33,198 --> 00:30:35,400 >> WE'RE CONNECTING AND HAVING SOME INTIMACY. 588 00:30:35,466 --> 00:30:36,201 >> I DON'T NEED TO CONNECT. 589 00:30:36,267 --> 00:30:38,770 >> WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? 590 00:30:38,836 --> 00:30:41,372 YOU'RE SAYING, "HELLO, I SEE YOU." 591 00:30:41,439 --> 00:30:41,873 I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. 592 00:30:41,940 --> 00:30:42,473 I CONNECT WITH YOU. 593 00:30:42,540 --> 00:30:44,108 >> HELLO! 594 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,877 I SEE YOU! 595 00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:47,245 I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU! 596 00:30:47,312 --> 00:30:52,150 I CONNECT WITH YOU! 597 00:30:52,217 --> 00:30:54,752 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," SUSIE ESSMAN! 598 00:30:54,819 --> 00:31:04,796 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 599 00:31:04,862 --> 00:31:12,337 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 600 00:31:12,403 --> 00:31:13,571 >> THERE ARE PEOPLE! 601 00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:15,073 >> Stephen: HUMAN BEINGS. 602 00:31:15,139 --> 00:31:17,342 >> THERE ARE PEOPLE, HUMAN BEINGS. 603 00:31:17,408 --> 00:31:21,112 LISTEN, I WANT TO SAY TO THE OUTSET, THERE IS NOTHING TO THE 604 00:31:21,179 --> 00:31:22,247 RUMOR ABOUT BRET AND ME. 605 00:31:22,313 --> 00:31:27,085 WE DATED A LITTLE BIT, BUT IT WAS ULYSSES S. GRANT THIS, 606 00:31:27,151 --> 00:31:28,853 ULYSSES S. GRANT THAT. 607 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,422 HE WAS ALWAYS IN BED WITH US, STEPHEN. 608 00:31:31,489 --> 00:31:32,390 I COULDN'T TAKE IT. 609 00:31:32,457 --> 00:31:34,559 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE 11th SEASON. 610 00:31:34,626 --> 00:31:36,194 >> ISN'T THAT CRAZY. 611 00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:39,797 >> Stephen: 21 YEARS OF "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM." 612 00:31:39,864 --> 00:31:41,032 >> IT'S SO GREAT. 613 00:31:41,099 --> 00:31:43,268 >> Stephen: DID YOU DREAM FOR A MINUTE-- NOBODY SIGNS ON FOR A 614 00:31:43,334 --> 00:31:45,136 PROJECT THINKING I'M DO THIS FOR 20 YEARS? 615 00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:49,107 >> NO, I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE IN IT AFTER THE FIRST YEAR. 616 00:31:49,173 --> 00:31:50,208 I HAD NO CONTRACT. 617 00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:53,144 I WAS A DAY PLAYER FOR, LIKE, THE FIRST FOUR SEASON S. 618 00:31:53,211 --> 00:31:55,546 >> Stephen: YOU'RE KIDDING, REALLY? 619 00:31:55,613 --> 00:31:58,216 >> YEAH, THAT MEANS NO MONEY. 620 00:31:58,283 --> 00:32:00,518 >> Stephen: SURE "PLAY AS CAST." 621 00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:07,392 >> WE WERE THE UGLY STEPCHILD SHOW TO "THE SOPRANOS" AND "SEX 622 00:32:07,458 --> 00:32:08,693 AND THE CITY." 623 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,595 >> Stephen: AND WHERE ARE THEY NOW? 624 00:32:10,662 --> 00:32:11,329 >> EXACTLY. 625 00:32:11,396 --> 00:32:11,996 DEAD. 626 00:32:12,063 --> 00:32:14,565 WELL, NOT "SEX AND THE CITY." 627 00:32:14,632 --> 00:32:16,734 THEY CAME BACK. 628 00:32:16,801 --> 00:32:19,837 "THE SOPRANOS" CAME BACK. 629 00:32:19,904 --> 00:32:20,672 THE PREQUEL. 630 00:32:20,738 --> 00:32:21,973 >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW LARRY BEFORE? 631 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:26,544 >> I MET LARIAT CATCH A RISING STAR IN 1985 OR '86, OR 632 00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,180 SOMETHING, WHERE HE WAS THE LEGENDARY COMEDIAN'S COMEDIAN. 633 00:32:29,247 --> 00:32:31,849 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT IN '85, HE WAS LEGENDARY? 634 00:32:31,916 --> 00:32:32,984 >> OH, YEAH. 635 00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:35,620 WE WOULD ALL GO INTO THE ROOM TO WATCH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS 636 00:32:35,687 --> 00:32:36,054 DANGEROUS. 637 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:36,921 HE WAS VOLATILE. 638 00:32:36,988 --> 00:32:39,223 AND HE HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT MATERIAL. 639 00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:47,665 BUT THE AUDIENCE-- IF ONE WOMAN LOOKED AT HER WATCH, HE'D STORM 640 00:32:47,732 --> 00:32:50,134 OFF, HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM. 641 00:32:50,201 --> 00:32:53,738 ONE NIGHT HE GOT ON STAGE AND LOOKED AT THE AUDIENCE AND SAID, 642 00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,074 "I DON'T THINK SO," AND WALKED OFF. 643 00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:57,075 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 644 00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,278 >> Stephen: I NEVER DID STAND-UP, BUT COMEDIAN'S 645 00:33:00,345 --> 00:33:04,882 COMEDIAN ALWAYS SOUNDED TO ME LIKE, COMEDIANS LIKE HIM, BUT 646 00:33:04,949 --> 00:33:06,684 THE AUDIENCE, NOT AS MUCH. 647 00:33:06,751 --> 00:33:11,489 >> LARRY NEVER, NEVER FIGURED OUT HOTO PANDER TO AN AUDIENCE. 648 00:33:11,556 --> 00:33:15,660 >> Stephen: NOT EVEN A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE LIKE THIS 649 00:33:15,727 --> 00:33:16,527 ONE? 650 00:33:16,594 --> 00:33:18,496 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 651 00:33:18,563 --> 00:33:22,367 >> THAT WAS A POSITIVE. 652 00:33:22,433 --> 00:33:24,168 >> Stephen: SORRY, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD. 653 00:33:24,235 --> 00:33:27,372 >> THAT WAS A POSITIVE THING BECAUSE HE HAD SUCH INTEGRITY 654 00:33:27,438 --> 00:33:28,606 ABOUT HIS MATERIAL, YOU KNOW. 655 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:31,275 AND HE WOULDN'T JUST LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?" 656 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:35,580 HE WOULD NEVER GO TO THAT LEVEL THAT THE REST OF US WENT TO 657 00:33:35,646 --> 00:33:37,849 BECAUSE WE WERE DESPERATE FOR THEIR LAYOFF LAUGH S. 658 00:33:37,915 --> 00:33:38,783 >> Stephen: SURE. 659 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,486 >> HE WAS NEVER DESPERATE FOR THEIR LAUGHS. 660 00:33:41,552 --> 00:33:46,491 >> Stephen: HE DOES RADIATE A "I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE ME," 661 00:33:46,557 --> 00:33:47,125 VIBE. 662 00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,326 BUT INSIDE A HEART OF GOLD? 663 00:33:48,393 --> 00:33:52,497 >> EON I LOVE LARRY, ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE MY HUSBAND, AND 664 00:33:52,563 --> 00:33:53,698 BRET BAIER. 665 00:33:53,765 --> 00:33:55,833 >> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS KNOWN FOR SOME OF HER OUTFITS. 666 00:33:55,900 --> 00:33:57,034 >> YEAH. 667 00:33:57,101 --> 00:34:05,276 >> Stephen: HERE YOU ARE KIND OF LIKE A RHODA... AMY SHERMAN 668 00:34:05,343 --> 00:34:07,412 PALADINO KIND OF LOOK HERE, FRENCH SAILOR. 669 00:34:07,478 --> 00:34:09,781 I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. 670 00:34:09,847 --> 00:34:13,217 HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT, LIKE-- I LIKE THIS. 671 00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,419 I'M TAKING THIS HOME. 672 00:34:14,485 --> 00:34:17,955 >> THE ONE THING I HAVE NEVER SAID TO OUR WARDROBE DESIGNER 673 00:34:18,022 --> 00:34:20,057 IS, "CAN I KEEP THIS?" EVER, EVER. 674 00:34:20,124 --> 00:34:23,394 BUT I LIKE BEING SUSIE GREENE FOR THAT REASON. 675 00:34:23,461 --> 00:34:28,466 I DON'T WANT TO WEAR WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR. 676 00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:32,503 I LOVE PUTTING ON THESE OUTRAGEOUS OUTFITS AND THEN I'M 677 00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:33,671 HER FOR THAT DAY. 678 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:37,175 >> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS ALSO KNOWN FOR AN ABSOLUTELY 679 00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:37,508 FILTHY MOUTH. 680 00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:38,709 >> YES. 681 00:34:38,776 --> 00:34:40,445 >> Stephen: IS THAT STRICTLY THE CHARACTER OR DOES IT SHOW UP 682 00:34:40,511 --> 00:34:41,446 IN YOUR DAILY LIFE AS WELL. 683 00:34:41,512 --> 00:34:44,015 >> I MEAN, DON'T ( BLEEP ) WITH ME. 684 00:34:44,081 --> 00:34:44,982 IF YOU PUSH ME. 685 00:34:45,049 --> 00:34:45,983 >> Stephen: SURE. 686 00:34:46,050 --> 00:34:49,454 ( APPLAUSE ) >> I'M NOT AS VOLATILE AS HER. 687 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:50,688 SHE'S VERY REACTIVE. 688 00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:54,959 YOU KNOW, YOU DO SOMETHING AND SHE JUST RESPONDS AND SHE NEVER 689 00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:56,294 THINKS ABOUT ANYTHING. 690 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,430 SHE'S COMPLETELY SECURE IN ALL OF HER OPINIONS. 691 00:34:59,497 --> 00:35:00,465 I'M A COMIC. 692 00:35:00,531 --> 00:35:02,333 I'M ANALYZING AND SECOND GUESSING. 693 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:02,934 I'M INSECURE. 694 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:04,335 SO THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. 695 00:35:04,402 --> 00:35:05,636 BUT WE BOTH TAKE NO PRISONERS. 696 00:35:05,703 --> 00:35:08,573 I WOULD SAY THAT. 697 00:35:08,639 --> 00:35:09,207 IS THIS MINE? 698 00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:10,942 >> Stephen: WHAT? 699 00:35:11,008 --> 00:35:11,576 >> IS THIS MINE? 700 00:35:11,642 --> 00:35:12,243 >> Stephen: LET'S FIND OUT. 701 00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:14,579 >> OH, MY GOD! 702 00:35:14,645 --> 00:35:15,746 IT'S BOURBON. 703 00:35:15,813 --> 00:35:17,748 ULYSSES S. GRANT IS HERE. 704 00:35:17,815 --> 00:35:23,354 >> Stephen: "CURB" IS KNOWN FOR DISSECTING LITTLE MOMENTS OF 705 00:35:23,421 --> 00:35:23,754 HUMAN INTERACTION. 706 00:35:23,821 --> 00:35:24,755 >> RIGHT. 707 00:35:24,822 --> 00:35:26,624 >> Stephen: THAT ONE PERSON CALLS INTO QUESTION. 708 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:27,358 >> CORRECT. 709 00:35:27,425 --> 00:35:28,693 >> Stephen: AND I WOULD LIKE TO-- 710 00:35:28,759 --> 00:35:30,795 >> THAT ONE PERSON IS ALWAYS LARRY. 711 00:35:30,862 --> 00:35:34,065 >> Stephen: YES, IS ALWAYS LARRY BUT ENDS UP BEING THE BULK 712 00:35:34,131 --> 00:35:35,066 OF THE CRISE. 713 00:35:35,132 --> 00:35:37,502 I WANTED TO GO OVER WITH YOU SOME EVERYDAY SOCIAL 714 00:35:37,568 --> 00:35:39,904 INTERACTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN HOTLY CONTESTED ON THE SHOW. 715 00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,072 >> OKAY. 716 00:35:41,138 --> 00:35:44,408 >> Stephen: AND SEE IF I CAN GET YOUR ACTUAL RESPONSE, YOUR 717 00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:44,976 ACTUAL TAKE. 718 00:35:45,042 --> 00:35:49,146 >> ME, NOT SUSIE GREENE. 719 00:35:49,213 --> 00:35:50,781 >> Stephen: SUSIE ESSMAN. 720 00:35:50,848 --> 00:35:53,484 "WHEN PEOPLE SAY NO GIFTS, DO THEY REALLY MEAN IT?" 721 00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:58,422 >> OH, THAT IS SUCH A LOAD OF CRAP "NO GIFTS." 722 00:35:58,489 --> 00:36:01,459 YOU SHOW UP WITH NO GIFTS THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU FOR 723 00:36:01,526 --> 00:36:02,326 WEEKS. 724 00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:03,828 THEY'RE WHISPERING BEHIND YOUR BACK. 725 00:36:03,895 --> 00:36:06,497 IT'S SUCH A LOAD OF NONE TENSE, NO GIFTS. 726 00:36:06,564 --> 00:36:07,698 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 727 00:36:07,765 --> 00:36:10,668 >> Stephen: WHAT IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR 728 00:36:10,735 --> 00:36:13,404 NAME?" >> THAT IS EVEN WORSE. 729 00:36:13,471 --> 00:36:15,273 "I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR NAME." 730 00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:16,707 >> Stephen: I GET ALL THE CREDIT. 731 00:36:16,774 --> 00:36:18,242 IT'S IN YOUR NAME BUT IT'S MY MONEY. 732 00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:23,981 >> WE HAD AN EPISODE ABOUT THAT, THE ANONYMOUS DONOR, THE PEOPLE 733 00:36:24,048 --> 00:36:28,019 WHO DONATE ANONYMOUSLY, THEY'RE SO FANTASTIC-- I DO THAT 734 00:36:28,085 --> 00:36:29,120 SOMETIMES. 735 00:36:29,186 --> 00:36:31,989 >> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE, BECAUSE NOW WE KNOW YOU DO IT. 736 00:36:32,056 --> 00:36:34,559 IF IT'S HALLOWEEN AND PEOPLE ARE TRICK-OR-TREATING WITHOUT A 737 00:36:34,625 --> 00:36:36,561 COSTUME, SHOULD THEY STILL GET CANDY? 738 00:36:36,627 --> 00:36:38,663 >> IT DEPENDS HOW OLD YOU ARE, DON'T YOU THINK? 739 00:36:38,729 --> 00:36:42,033 >> Stephen: IF THE PERSON HAS HIT PUBERTY. 740 00:36:42,099 --> 00:36:44,569 >> NO, NO TRICK-OR-TREATING FOR CANDY. 741 00:36:44,635 --> 00:36:48,139 GO GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN CANDY! 742 00:36:48,205 --> 00:36:48,806 ( APPLAUSE ). 743 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:49,273 >> Stephen: I AGREE WITH YOU. 744 00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:49,807 I AGREE WITH YOU. 745 00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:50,841 >> IT'S FOR THE KIDS! 746 00:36:50,908 --> 00:36:53,477 >> Stephen: I THINK YOU HAVE TO ATTEMPT SOMETHING. 747 00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:54,779 >> SOMETHING. 748 00:36:54,845 --> 00:37:01,352 MUSTACHE PAINTED ON OR AN EYE PATCH THAT YOU'RE MOCHE DIANE, 749 00:37:01,419 --> 00:37:02,420 OR SOMETHING. 750 00:37:02,486 --> 00:37:08,125 >> Stephen: SO FEW LATE-NIGHT SHOWS MAKE MOSHE DIANE 751 00:37:08,192 --> 00:37:10,361 REFERENCES THESE DAYS. 752 00:37:10,428 --> 00:37:13,564 I ASK THEM TO AT LEAST DO AN IMPRESSION. 753 00:37:13,631 --> 00:37:17,535 HERE WE GO: SAMPLES AT AN ICE CREAM SHOP. 754 00:37:17,602 --> 00:37:20,204 SHOULD THERE BE A LIMIT ON HOW MANY YOU CAN ASK FOR? 755 00:37:20,271 --> 00:37:21,138 >> YEAH, TWO. 756 00:37:21,205 --> 00:37:23,307 >> Stephen: REALLY? 757 00:37:23,374 --> 00:37:26,744 WHY, IT'S NO SKIN OFF YOUR ROSY NOSE. 758 00:37:26,811 --> 00:37:27,979 >> THAT'S A RUSE. 759 00:37:28,045 --> 00:37:30,114 IN THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE, HE WAS WAITING ON LINE BEHIND HER, 760 00:37:30,181 --> 00:37:34,018 AND SHE'S JUST SAMPLED THIS AND SAMPLED THAT AND SAMPLED THIS. 761 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:37,622 AND, MEANWHILE, SHE HAD, LIKE, MAYBE, FOUR OR FIVE SCOOPS ALL 762 00:37:37,688 --> 00:37:40,024 TOGETHER THAT SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR. 763 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:40,825 I'M ON TO HER. 764 00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,326 >> Stephen: I THINK IT'S UNLIMITED. 765 00:37:42,393 --> 00:37:43,661 >> YOU DO, REALLY? 766 00:37:43,728 --> 00:37:45,296 >> Stephen: I THINK IT'S UNLIMITED. 767 00:37:45,363 --> 00:37:46,497 >> WITH TOPPINGS. 768 00:37:46,564 --> 00:37:51,335 >> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T PUT TOPPINGS ON-- THAT'S TOO FAR. 769 00:37:51,402 --> 00:37:53,771 COULD YOU PUT SOME JIMMIES ON THERE? 770 00:37:53,838 --> 00:37:56,340 I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE COMBINATION'S LIKE. 771 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:56,941 >> SPRINKLES. 772 00:37:57,008 --> 00:37:58,809 DON'T YOU LOVE SPRINKLE S. 773 00:37:58,876 --> 00:38:00,111 >> Stephen: WHAT? 774 00:38:00,177 --> 00:38:01,445 I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE SPRINKLES. 775 00:38:01,512 --> 00:38:02,279 I DON'T. 776 00:38:02,346 --> 00:38:04,115 THEY'RE JUST COLORED SUGAR. 777 00:38:04,181 --> 00:38:05,349 THERE'S NO CHARACTER TO THEM. 778 00:38:05,416 --> 00:38:09,487 >> ONCE WHEN I RAN AWAY WHEN I WAS A KID, THAT'S WHAT I MAKD 779 00:38:09,553 --> 00:38:11,022 WAS SPRINKLES. 780 00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:12,356 >> Stephen: IT'S A GREAT SOURCE OF ENERGY. 781 00:38:12,423 --> 00:38:16,460 >> I WENT IN THE CABINET AND LOOKED AROUND AND WAS LIKE, OH, 782 00:38:16,527 --> 00:38:17,461 SPRINKLES. 783 00:38:17,528 --> 00:38:17,995 I CAME BACK A HALF AN HOUR LATER SO IT WAS FINE. 784 00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:19,130 IT WAS ALL JACKED UP. 785 00:38:19,196 --> 00:38:21,265 >> Stephen: SUSIE, LOVELY TO SE YOU. 786 00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:23,067 >> YOU, TOO. 787 00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:24,235 WE'RE DONE. 788 00:38:24,301 --> 00:38:26,070 >> Stephen: YOU CAN STAY, BUT THE CAMERAS ARE TURNING OFF. 789 00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:30,875 ( APPLAUSE ) SEASON 11 OF "CURB YOUR 790 00:38:30,941 --> 00:38:34,378 ENTHUSIASM" PREMIERES CTOBER 24 ON HBO. 791 00:38:34,445 --> 00:38:36,447 SUSIE ESSMAN, EVERYBODY! 792 00:38:36,514 --> 00:38:37,415 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 793 00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:51,262 COLUMNIST BEN SMITH TWEETED SLIDES USED TO RAISE MONEY AT A 794 00:38:51,328 --> 00:38:53,764 $450 MILLION VALUATION. 795 00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,368 ONE WITH THE QUOTE, "OZZIE IS THE COOLEST NEW MEDIA COMPANY 796 00:38:57,435 --> 00:38:57,968 ANYWHERE." 797 00:38:58,035 --> 00:38:59,136 DID YOU ACTUALLY SAY THIS? 798 00:38:59,203 --> 00:39:02,807 AND IF YOU DID, CAN YOU PROMISE NOT TO SAY IT ABOUT VIRTUE 799 00:39:02,873 --> 00:39:03,641 SIGNAL? 800 00:39:03,708 --> 00:39:08,512 ( LAUGHS ) >> I WENT TO OZZIE HAD THESE 801 00:39:08,579 --> 00:39:10,481 LOVELY FESTIVALS IN CENTRAL PARK. 802 00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:12,850 I DID A COUPLE OF THEM, AND THEY WERE A LOT OF FUN. 803 00:39:12,917 --> 00:39:17,755 I MEAN, OZY PUT ON A LOT OF-- A LOT OF REALLY INTERESTING 804 00:39:17,822 --> 00:39:19,724 EVENTS, WHICH I WAS-- I WAS PRIVILEGED TO ATTEND. 805 00:39:19,790 --> 00:39:23,761 >> WERE YOU CONCERNED THE ORGANIZATION WAS SMOKE AND 806 00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:26,564 MIRRORS WHEN YOU NOTICED THAT THEY KEPT SAYING THEY'VE SOLD 20 807 00:39:26,630 --> 00:39:27,698 BILLION TICKETS? 808 00:39:35,773 --> 00:39:37,007 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW." 809 00:39:37,074 --> 00:39:40,377 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE DR. SANJAY GUPTA, 810 00:39:40,444 --> 00:39:42,012 AND THE DIRECTOR OF "DUNE," DENIS VILLENEUVE. 811 00:39:42,079 --> 00:39:42,913 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 812 00:39:42,980 --> 00:39:46,851 GOOD NIGHT. 813 00:39:46,917 --> 00:39:48,819 THANK YOU, SUSIE ESSMAN. 814 00:39:48,886 --> 00:39:51,489 WE'RE COWERING BEFORE THIS MANMADE RULE LIKE IT'S BEEN 815 00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:54,225 HANDED DOWN BY A DIVINE AUTHORITY. 816 00:39:54,291 --> 00:39:58,129 WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF WE GET RID OF IT? 817 00:39:58,195 --> 00:39:58,896 REPENT! 818 00:39:58,963 --> 00:40:00,064 REPENT! 819 00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:06,871 FOR WE HAVE ANGERED THE VENGEFUL FILIBUSTER GOD TO NEBRION. 820 00:40:06,937 --> 00:40:10,341 OH, TENEBRION. 821 00:40:10,407 --> 00:40:13,744 WE UNLEASH THE UNWORTHY DOOMING US TO A CENTURY HAVING TO 822 00:40:13,811 --> 00:40:18,716 EXPLAIN THE DEBT SEALING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! 823 00:40:18,783 --> 00:40:28,926 WITH JOKES ( EXPLOSION ) 824 00:40:28,993 --> 00:40:34,532 THE MAN WITHIN THE MOON. 825 00:40:34,598 --> 00:40:37,201 15-YEAR-OLD REFERENCE, CHRIS.