>> THE SENATE WILL VOTE TO SUSPEND THE DEBT LIMIT TODAY,
SETTING UP A MAJOR SHOWDOWN IN CONGRESS AFTER REPUBLICANS VOWED
TO OPPOSE IT.
THE STAKES COULDN'T BE HIGHER AFTER OFFICIALS WARNED A U.S.
DEFAULT COULD PLUNGE US INTO A RECESSION.
SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?
SOME SAY PRESIDENT BIDEN COULD DECLARE THE DEBT LIMIT
UNCONSTITUTIONAL, OR LET THE TREASURY MINT A $1 TRILLION
COIN.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE FRANKLIN MINT PROUDLY
PRESENTS THE TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN, WHICH CAN NOW BE YOURS FOR
ONLY ONE TRILLION AND 20 DOLLARS, OR JUST ONE BILLION
PAYMENT OF $1,000.
THIS HANDSOME COIN IS EMBLAZONED WITH AN IMAGE OF PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN DIVING INTO A PILE OF MONEY SCROOGE McDUCK STYLE.
AND INSTEAD OF "IN GOD WE TRUST," THE COIN READS, "WHO'S
YOUR GOLD NOW, MOSES?" >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
BRET BAIER AND SUSIE ESSMAN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
HEY!
THERE YOU GO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: AAAH!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND TONIGHT I COME TO YOU ON AN HISTORIC DAY IN AMERICA...
POTENTIALLY, MAYBE.
BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS ALL THE STUFF THAT MIGHT
POSSIBLY HAPPEN SOON, OR NOT.
TAKE THE DEBT CEILING.
IF CONGRESS DOESN'T RAISE OUR COUNTRY'S BORROWING LIMIT BY
OCTOBER 18, THE ENTIRE AMERICAN ECONOMY WILL HAVE A CATACLYSMIC
MELTDOWN.
IT WOULD BE AN EASILY AVOIDABLE, UNTHINKABLE ACT OF
SELF-DESTRUCTION.
SO, HIGHLY LIKELY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S
EDITION OF: >> "APOCALYPSE DOW:
COUNTDOWN TO MELTDOWN: DAWN OF THE DEBT."
BRAAAINS!
THEY HAVE NO BRAAAAAINS!
>> Stephen: LET ME SET THE STAGE: DEMOCRATS ARE READY TO
VOTE TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING, BUT REPUBLICANS ARE DOING
NOTHING TO HELP AND PLENTY TO HINDER.
SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE COULD BE ON THE ROAD TO-- WHAT'S THIS?
I'M BEING TOLD IN MY DEAF EAR THAT WE MIGHT HAVE NEWS ABOUT A
POTENTIALLY-HAPPENING SOLUTION TO AVOID NATIONAL CALAMITY.
THAT'S RIGHT-- WE'VE GOT A CRITICAL POSSIBLE NEWS ALERT.
THIS JUST PERHAPS IN: A NEAR-ANNOUNCEMENT FROM LAST
NIGHT, WHEN PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN SAID THAT THERE'S A REAL
POSSIBILITY DEMOCRATS WILL CHANGE THE FILIBUSTER RULES TO
RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.
OH MY DEMI-GOD.
THIS IS NEAR HISTOR-ISH.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY:
>> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON AND DO THE OTHER THINGS,
POSSIBLY. OR NOT!
SOUNDS HARD!
>> Stephen: THIS SHOULD BE A NO-BRAINER: JUST GET RID OF THE
FILIBUSTER!
IT'S AN OLD RULE HISTORICALLY USED TO PRESERVE RACIST
POLICIES.
IT'S NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION, AND YET, IT'S BLOCKING THE
UNITED STATES' ABILITY TO STAY SOLVENT.
KEEPING THE FILIBUSTER WOULD BE LIKE AN E.M.T. TRYING TO
DEFIBRILLATE SOMEONE AND GOING: "HERE WE GO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D LOVE TO SAVE HIS LIFE BUT I CAN'T.
HE'S WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!
WELL, HE WILL BE MISSED.
WELL, NOT IN THOSE PANTS."
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪
NOW, THE POSSIBILITY OF THE DEMOCRATS BUSTING UP THE
FILIBUSTER BRINGS US TO "CRISIS IN POSSIBLY!"
POSSIBLY ADJUSTING THE FILIBUSTER RULES HAS MITCH
McCONNELL SHAKING IN HIS ORTHOPEDIC WINGTIPS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO EARLIER TODAY, McCONNELL SAID
HIS PARTY WOULD ALLOW AN EXTENSION OF THE FEDERAL DEBT
CEILING INTO DECEMBER.
THEY'RE WILLING TO AVOID BLOWING UP THE WORLD'S FINANCIAL SYSTEM
UNTIL CHRISTMASTIME.
SO, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER TO ASK SANTA FOR A FUNCTIONAL ECONOMY.
AND THERE'S WORD THIS AFTERNOON THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE SIGNALING
THAT THEY WOULD ACCEPT THIS McCONNELL WANTS IT.
WANTS IT.
SO IF THAT DOESN'T WORK-- I'M GETTING WORD THAT WE HAVE A
BREAKING MAYBE!
ANOTHER, EVEN MORE HYPOTHETICAL SOLUTION TO AMERICA'S DEBT
CRISIS: A TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN COULD BE MINTED AT THE LAST
MINUTE.
NOW, I'M NO U.S. TREASURY EXPERT, BUT PLEASE, DO IT!
MAKE THE COIN AND MAKE IT AS BIG AS A MANHOLE COVER!
FILL IT WITH CHOCOLATE, AND LET THE DEMOCRATS WIN IT IN A
HIGH-STAKES GAME OF DREIDEL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S HOW OPERATION MEGA-COIN
WOULD WORK: THE PRESIDENT COULD ORDER THE TREASURY SECRETARY TO
MINT A $1 TRILLION COIN, THEN DEPOSIT IT WITH THE FEDERAL
RESERVE.
THEN, JUST LIKE THAT, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD HAVE AN
ADDITIONAL $1 TRILLION TO PAY OFF ITS OBLIGATIONS.
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING SO FITTING ABOUT BIDEN FIXING THIS
BY JUST PULLING A COIN OUT OF THIN AIR:
"HEY, 'MERICA.
C'MERE, KIDDO.
( APPLAUSE ) COME SEE YOUR UNCLE JOE.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE BEHIND YOUR EAR?
<!0> OH, LOOK, IT'S $1 TRILLION.
THERE YOU GO!
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE!" ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THIS ISN'T JUST ANY TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN.
OH, NO.
FOR STARTERS, IT HAS TO BE MADE OUT OF PLATINUM, BECAUSE THE
TREASURY HAS LIMITS ON PAPER, GOLD, SILVER, AND COPPER
CURRENCY, BUT THERE'S NO LIMIT ON HOW MANY PLATINUM COINS
IT CAN CIRCULATE, OR ON THEIR VALUE.
THIS COIN HAS PEOPLE ASKING, "WHAT WOULD THE $1 TRILLION COIN
LOOK LIKE?" NOW, IT HASN'T BEEN DECIDED, BUT
HERE'S MY PROPOSAL: ON THE TAILS SIDE, YOU HAVE A BALD EAGLE
GETTING WASTED AT A SLOT MACHINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND ON THE HEADS SIDE, AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE PLATINUM
FOX, JOHN SLATTERY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT?
WHAT IS-- ANDERSON COOPER WOULD ALSO BE ACCEPTABLE.
WHAT'S THIS?
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE ANOTHER URGENT PERHAPS ALERT.
♪ ♪ ♪ THIS POTENTIAL NEWS MAY INVOLVE
NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND GUY SAYING, "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
CUZ NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO TALK TO ME," BILL de BLASIO,
HERE'S THE DEAL: de BLASIO IS REPORTEDLY POSSIBLY
RUNNING FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR.
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF UNKNOWNS: WHAT HIS PLATFORM IS, WHAT HIS
ANNOUNCEMENT DATE IS, AND WHAT HE'S SMOKING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
APPARENTLY, de BLASIO HAS BEEN SOUNDING OUT TRUSTED FORMER
AIDES ABOUT THEIR INTEREST IN WORKING ON A POTENTIAL
CAMPAIGN.
HIS ONLY HOPE IS THAT THEY DON'T REMEMBER HIS PRESIDENTIAL
CAMPAIGN, WHEN HE FINISHED 47th BEHIND MICHAEL BENNET AND A
ROMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ROOMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES-- ROOMBA WITH GOOGLY EYES, STRONG
PLATFORM.
HOPES AREN'T HIGH FROM de BLASIO'S FELLOW NEW YORK
DEMOCRATS.
FORMER CONGRESSMAN CHARLES RANGEL WAS ASKED TO WEIGH IN ON
A de BLASIO RUN, AND HE REPLIED, "I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN
ANYTHING THAT WOULD BE NEGATIVE, AND I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING
POSITIVE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I CAN!
I'M POSITIVE HE WON'T WIN.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF THE UNPOPULAR,
FACEBOOK FOUNDER AND MAN WATCHING THE WAITER WALK RIGHT
BY EVEN THOUGH HE'S CLEARLY READY TO ORDER, MARK ZUCKERBERG.
UP UNTIL NOW, ZUCKERBERG HAS BEEN SILENT ABOUT A
WHISTLEBLOWER REVEALING THAT FACEBOOK HAS MISLED THE PUBLIC
ABOUT THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF ITS PLATFORMS ON CHILDREN AND
TEENS, ESPECIALLY YOUNG GIRLS, AND THAT FACEBOOK'S MECHANICS
FURTHER THE SPREAD OF MISINFORMATION.
THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ON FACEBOOK.
I GET MY NEWS FROM A MORE RELIABLE SOURCE: PANTSLESS GUY
ON THE SUBWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT LAST NIGHT, ZUCKERBERG ENDED HIS SILENCE AND ADDRESSED THE
WHISTLEBLOWER'S CHARGES: >> I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE MORE
SOPHISTICATED AND...
>> BLEEP!
BLORP!
WE FEED ON YOUR HATE!
ZUCK BOT!
DESTROY!
ZUCK BOT!
DESTROY!" >> Stephen: REALLY HUMANIZES
HIM.
ZUCK ACTUALLY-- ( APPLAUSE )
SURE.
ROBOTD MASTERS!
ROBOT MASTERS!
ZUCK ACTUALLY POSTED A STATEMENT DEFENDING FACEBOOK AGAINST
CHARGES THAT THEIR ALGORITHM ENCOURAGES CONFLICT, EXPLAINING,
"I DON'T KNOW ANY TECH COMPANY THAT SETS OUT TO BUILD PRODUCTS
THAT MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY."
REALLY?
I DO.
IT'S CALLED cnn.com.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS THE VIDEO EMBEDDED IN THE
ARTICLE NOT ABOUT THE ARTICLE?
IF I CLICK A LINK ABOUT THE ALBUQUERQUE BALLOON FESTIVAL, I
DON'T WANT TO WATCH A VIDEO WHERE VAN JONES SITS DOWNWITH
UNDECIDED VOTERS.
( APPLAUSE ) AFTER WATCHING THE AFTER THE
SAME HUMIRA AD TWICE!
BUT IN THIS UNCERTAIN WORLD OF SHADOWS AND GLOOM WHERE SWALLOWS
CANNOT BE TOLD FROM BATS, NOR GIFTS FROM THREATS, THERE IS BUT
ONE THING THAT WE KNOW ACTUALLY HAPPENED: "FAT BEAR WEEK" HAS A
WINNER!
THE RESULTS ARE IN!
( APPLAUSE ) AND, HOPEFULLY, THEY'RE LESS
CONTROVERSIAL THAN THOSE FROM BUFF GIRAFFE MONTH.
LOOK AT THOSE NECK ABS!
"FAT BEAR WEEK" IS AN ANNUAL TRADITION WHEREIN PEOPLE VOTE
ONLINE FOR THE FATTEST, MOST ENGORGED, AND HIBERNATION-READY
BEAR IN KATMAI NATIONAL PARK, ALASKA.
AND ONCE AGAIN, THE WINNER IS 480 OTIS.
JUST LOOK AT HIS WINTER TRANSFORMATION.
DAMMMN!
THAT BEAR'S GOT A LITTLE EXTRA PADDINGTON.
THAT BEAR IS SO FAT, HE USES CHARMIN BEARS AS TOILET PAPER.
THIS WIN IS EXTRA SWEET, BECAUSE AT APPROXIMATELY 25 YEARS OLD,
OTIS IS ONE OF THE OLDEST BEARS IN THE COMPETITION.
YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYONE?
NO MATTER HOW MUCH LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN, JUST REMEMBER:
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE FAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ARE YOU LISTENING-- YOU LISTENING, TOM BRADY?
OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE WAS CELEBRATING OTIS' VICTORY,
BECAUSE MANY ONLINE WERE ROOTING FOR LAST YEAR'S WINNER, THE
"HIPPO-ESQUE" 747, WHO-- AND I JUST LEARNED THIS TODAY-- HAS
THE NICKNAME COLBERT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO LEARN WHY THIS BEAR WAS NAMED AFTER ME.
IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH SO FIERCE?
IS IT BECAUSE WE BOTH EAT OUR OWN WEIGHT IN SALMON?
WHAT COULD IT BE?
>> ONE OF THE THINGS WE NOTICED ABOUT HIM WAS HIS RIGHT EAR WAS
A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN HIS LEFT EAR.
AND IF YOU WATCH STEPHEN COLBERT, YOU WILL SEE THAT HIS
EAR ALSO HAS A LITTLE OUTWARD, DOWNWARD-- IT'S DIFFERENT FROM
HIS OTHER EAR.
AND I'M NOT HURTING HIS FEELINGS-- LIKE HE EVEN WATCHES
THIS-- BUT I'M NOT HURTING HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE HE POINTS IT
OUT A LOT, THAT HIS EARS DON'T MATCH UP.
747'S EAR LOOKED A LITTLE WONKY, LIKE STEPHEN COLBERT'S EAR DOES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
THAT DOESN'T HURT MY FEELINGS ( LAUGHTER )
I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY RIGHT EAR AT ALL.
IT'S NOT LIKE HUMANS CONSIDER SYMMETRY ATTRACTIVE AND ALL
ASYMMETRICAL PEOPLE ARE FREAKS WHO ARE SUITED ONLY FOR THE
CIRCUS OR LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION.
I'M FINE.
MATTER OF FACT, I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT--
WHICH IS EASY, BECAUSE I'M DEAF IN THAT EAR.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BRET BAIER AND "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" STAR,
SUSIE ESSMAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, A FEW CELEBRITY FRIENDS CELEBRATE
HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
LOOK OVER THERE.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
JON, YOU KNOW, OUR GUESTS-- YOU KNOW WHO OUR GUESTS ARE TONIGHT?
HAVE YOU LOOKED?
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE BORDER TO SEE WHO WE HAVE TONIGHT?
>> Jon: YES, BRET BAIER.
>> Stephen: FOX NEWS BRET BAIER.
THE NEWS GUY, AND FROM "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM," SUSIE ESSMAN IS
HERE TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) I JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THEY'RE
NO LONGER DATING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GET INTO IT WITH BOTH OF THEM, FIND
OUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHY NOT?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M DYING TO KNOW.
I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU HAVE TO ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) JON, DID YOU KNOW MY HEAD WAS
ASYMMETRICAL.
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY EARS?
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
>> Jon: YES, I NOTICED THAT.
AND THEN ONE DAY YOU POINTED IT OUT TO ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BY TAKING ONE EAR -- >> Stephen: AND DOING THIS
THING RIGHT HERE.
SEE IF THE BEAR CAN DO THIS.
CAN HE DO THAT?
SEE RIGHT THERE?
( APPLAUSE ) CAN WE SHOW THAT ON CBS?
IS THAT TOO EROTIC FOR CBS WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE?
HIS EAR GOT TURGID.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU'RE UPSET.
WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH WHICH OF COURSE--
( APPLAUSE ) ABSOLUTELY, GIVE IT UP.
WHICH YOU MAY KNOW RUNS FROM SEPTEMBER 15 THROUGH OCTOBER 15.
NOW, IT SEEMS STRANGE THAT IT RUNS MID-MONTH, BUT IT'S BECAUSE
LATIN AMERICAN CALENDARS ARE METRIC.
BUT IT'S ALSO DUE TO THE FACT THAT SEPTEMBER 15 MARKS THE
ANNIVERSARY OF INDEPENDENCE FROM SPAIN IN EL SALVADOR, COSTA
RICA, GUATEMALA, HONDURAS, AND NICARAGUA-- OR AS I'M PROPOSING
CALLING THEM: "EL COSTA MALA HONDUR-AGUA."
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S IMPORTANT TO CELEBRATE HISPANIC
HERITAGE MONTH-- EVEN IF WE CAN'T AGREE ON WHAT TO CALL IT--
BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF DEBATE AROUND TERMS LIKE "HISPANIC,"
"LATINO," "LATINA," AND "LATINX."
I AM INFORMED THAT THESE ARE ALL ACCEPTABLE TERMS BUT THEY'RE NOT
INTERCHANGEABLE .
I HAVE LEARNED THAT HISPANICS ARE PEOPLE WHO SHARE THE COMMON
LANGUAGE OF SPANISH, SO THAT INCLUDES PEOPLE FROM SPAIN, MANY
LATIN AMERICAN COUNTRIES, AND WHEREVER THIS GUY COMES FROM:
>> HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.
>> Stephen: ON THE OTHER HAND, LATINOS ARE PEOPLE FROM LATIN
AMERICA, SO THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE SPAIN BUT DOES INCLUDE BRAZIL
AND HAITI, WHICH AREN'T SPANISH SPEAKING.
AND LATINX IS PREFERRED BY SOME U.S.-BORN LATINOS, AND ALSO
THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE IT MORE GENDER INCLUSIVE.
AND, OF COURSE, "LATIN-EX" IS ALSO THE GIRL WHO BROKE YOUR
HEART DURING A STUDY ABROAD IN BARTHELONA.
( LAUGHTER ) "I MITH YOU, MARIA."
PLUS, THE HISTORY OF THESE WORDS IS COMPLICATED.
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT DIDN'T EVEN START USING THE WORD "HISPANIC"
UNTIL IT WAS INTRODUCED IN THE 1970 CENSUS BY THE NIXON
ADMINISTRATION.
AND I THINK WE ALWAYS SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE REFERRING TO
MINORITIES BY WHAT NIXON USED TO CALL THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"
DECIDED THAT THE BEST POLICY WAS TO ASK SOME OF OUR HISPANIC,
LATINO, AND LATINX FRIENDS WHAT THEY PREFER TO BE CALLED.
MIRA.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> I WAS BORN IN SPAIN.
SO THAT MAKES ME HISPANIC.
AND BECAUSE I'M HISPANIC, THIS MAKES ME FIVE TIMES SEXIER WHEN
I SAY THINGS LIKE " ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> I STRUGGLE WITH IDENTITY A LOT, AND, YOU KNOW, IF I AM
AMERICAN AND MY NAME IS AMERICA, THEN, LIKE, HOW AM I NOT CAPTAIN
AMERICA?
( LAUGHTER ) >> THE TRUTH IS I JUST WANT TO
BE CALL, PERIOD.
THAT WAS A MESSAGE FROM MY GRANDCHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> ALL HISPANICS AREN'T LATINOS, AND ALL LATINOS AREN'T HISPANIC.
BUT ALL LATINOS AND ALL HISPANICS ARE INCREDIBLE
HANDSOME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> HOW DO YOU PREFER TO BE
CALLED?
I LIKE TO BE CALLED ON MY HAMBURGER PHONE.
IT LOOKS SO SILLY, THERE'S JUST NO WAY IT'S GOING TO BE BAD
NEWS.
HOLA.
AMIGOS.
>> Stephen: "THANK YOU" IN SPANISH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FOX NEWS CHIEF POLITICAL ANCHOR,
BRET BAIER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOINING ME NOW IS THE ANCHOR OF "SPECIAL
REPORT WITH BRET BAIER," AND THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, "TO
RESCUE THE REPUBLIC."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRET BAIER!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK WITH A
LIVE AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE, YOU KNOW, I-- THIS IS ESSENTIALLY A
SHOW WHERE PEOPLE HAVE THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
DURING THE DAY, AND THEIR OWN ANXIETIES AND THEIR OWN
OPINIONS.
AND THEN I GO OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT AND GIVE MY OWN ANXIETIES
AND OPINIONS, AND SOMETIMES THEY AGREE AND LAUGH.
I JUST WANT TO GET THE RULES BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE.
YOU'RE A NEWS MAN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A JOURNALIST YOU AND CHRIS WALLACE
ARE THE TWO CLOSEST THINGS WE'VE GOT TO JOURNALISM AT FOX NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- I-- I WATCH YOUR SHOW--
( APPLAUSE ).
I KNOW, YOU CAN'T SAY A THING.
YOU CAN'T SAY A THING.
>> THERE ARE MANY OTHER JOURNALISTS.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> MANY OTHER JOURNALISTS WILL AT FOX.
25 YEARS.
>> Stephen: THIS FRIDAY IS 25 YEARS.
SO CONGRATULATIONS TO SOME OF YOU OVER THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING-- I DO
RESPECT YOU, AND I WATCH YOUR SHOW, AND I GET INFORMED.
CAN YOU HAVE OPINIONS ABOUT SOMETHING, OR DO YOU HAVE TO BE
ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT DOWN THE LINE AND NEUTRAL?
BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY OVER THERE PUTS THEIR OPINIONS
ON THEIR SLEEVES.
AND I DON'T SEE THAT FROM YOU.
>> YEAH, SO I'M TRYING, IN THAT HOUR, TO BE AS STRAIGHT AS I
CAN, BUT I'M NOT A ROBOT.
I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS.
I JUST TRY NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL ABOUT DIFFERENT TOPICS AND MAKE
SURE EACH SIDE GETS A SAY ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: LIKE A LOT OF NATIONAL REPORTERS, YOU STARTED
OUT IN LOCAL NEWS STATIONS.
I RECENTLY FOUND OUT YOU HAVE HISTORY IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> YES!
>> Stephen: YOU WERE A LOCAL NEWS REPORTER-- WHERE IN SOUTH
CAROLINA?
>> EYE LITTLE STATION WALD WJWJ, IN BY FORD, SOUTH CAROLINA, AND
I WAS THE LOW-COUNTRY BUREAU GUY IN HILTON HEAD.
TOUGH ASSIGNMENT.
>> Stephen: WAS IS CBS?
>> PBS, THE BIG MONEY.
>> Stephen: THE LONG GREEN.
>> I WAS THE ONE-MAN BAND-- THE PHOTOGRAPHER, EDITOR, REPORTER.
I COVERED BIG STORIES LIKE LOGGERHEAD SEA TURTLE NESTING,
AND WHAT COLOR THE AZALEAS WERE IN THE MEDIAN.
AND I DELIVERED FOOD AND I WAS A BARTENDER AT APPLEBEE'S.
SO I WOULD FINISH MY DAY JOB, DO THE STORY, AND THEN I'D BE
DELIVERING FOOD.
AND THE GUY WOULD SAY AT THE DOOR, "AREN'T YOU THE REPORTER
AT CHANNEL 6?" I SAID, "YEAH, I AM.
DID YOU ORDER THE CALZONE?" >> Stephen: THIS JUST IN.
>> THIS JUST IN.
>> Stephen: YOUR JALAPENO POPPERS.
>> AND I MIXED DRINKING AT APPLEBEE'S.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT WHOSE HAPPENING TODAY.
WE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT IN THE MONOLOGUE TODAY.
A LOT OF IT IS POTENTIAL THINGS HAPPENING.
IT SEEMS THE NEWS OF THE DAY IS SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN-- AN
INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL, SUBPOENA APPEARANCES-- WILL PEOPLE SHOW
UP FOR THEIR SUBPOENAS HAVING TO DO WITH THE JANUARY SIXTH RIOTS.
CONSEQUENCES FOR THOSE INSEREXISTS.
DOES THIS DEBT CEILING DEAL GO THROUGH?
I HEARD SOMETHING RIGHT BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE.
>> THE DEMOCRATS ACCEPTED MITCH McCONNELL'S DEAL TO PUNT,
WHICH IS WHAT WASHINGTON DOES QUITE A LOT, IS THEY PUNT TO THE
NEXT FISCAL CLIFF.
SO NOW THEY'VE PUNTED TO DECEMBER.
AND THEN THEY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A DEAL TO EITHER GO THROUGH
WITH RECONCILIATION, WHICH IS LESS THAN 60 VOTES, OR WE COME
TO ANOTHER CALAMITY.
>> Stephen: I HEARD McCONNELL WANTS IT TO BE
RECONCILIATION, MEANING LESS THAN 60 VOTES, AND THE DEMOCRATS
HAVE SAID, "NO, NO, WE HAVE TO GO TO DO IT THROUGH REGULAR
ORDER, MEANING WE NEED 60 VOTES SO 10 OF YOU HAVE TO COME OVER."
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: THAT MEANS IT STILL MAY NOT HAPPEN BECAUSE
THEY'RE NOT TAKING THE OFFER EXACTLY AS McCONNELL WANTS,
AND HE TENDS TO LIKE THINGS THE WAY HE LIKES THEM.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
AND McCONNELL HAS A SHORT MEMORY AND LOOKS BACK AT WHEN
REPUBLICANS WERE FORCED TO VOTE ON A DEBT CEILING BY THEMSELVES.
AND THIS IS POLITICS IN WASHINGTON.
WE ARE ALWAYS ONE ELECTION AWAY FROM SOLVING BIG THINGS, IT
SEEMS.
THIS, TODAY, WAS A HUGE PUNT TO DECEMBER, WHICH IS GOING TO BE
ANOTHER CLIFF.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU SAID, "WE'RE ALWAYS ONE ELECTION AWAY
FROM..." I DID NOT THINK "SOLVING BIG THINGS" WOULD BE
THE END OF THAT SENTENCE.
WE SEEM TO BE ONE ELECTION AWAY FROM CHAOS AT THIS POINT.
>> WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE FACT THAT IT'S SO SLIM, THE MAJORITIES IN
THE HOUSE AND SENATE, MAKES IT REALLY TOUGH TO GET BIG, BIG
THINGS THROUGH.
THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE.
AND WE'LL SEE IF THEY DO.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK BRET HOW THE CONTENTS OF
THIS BOOK ARE RELATED TO THE INSURRECTION ON JANUARY 6.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF
"TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC," BRET BAIER.
WELL, THE BOOK IS CALLED "TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC," AS I SAID.
AND IT'S ABOUT ULYSSES S. GRANT.
LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT--
THAT WASN'T EVEN HIS NAME.
>> HIS NAME WAS HIRAM ULYSSES GRANT AND HIS FATHER WANTED HIM
TO GO TO WEST POINT AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO.
HE GETS THE APPOINTMENT, THEY GET TO WEST POINT AND THEY SAID
YOUR NAME IS ULYSSES S. GRANT.
AND THEY SAID YOU CAN ONLY HAVE THE APPOINTMENT WITH ULYSSES S.
GRANT.
THERE IS NO S.
IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING.
SO THE CADET WHO WERE WITH HIM CALLED HIM SAM, AND "UNCLE SAM"
STUCK AFTER THAT.
>> Stephen: THE BOOK STARTS ON JANUARY 6, 2021, THE ACTUAL RIOT
INSURRECTION ON CAPITOL HILL.
WHY DID YOU START IT THERE?
>> SO I WAS ENDING THE BOOK AND PUTTING ALL THESE THINGS
TOGETHER, AND I WAS COVERING JANUARY 6.
AND COVERING ALL OF THE RIOT AND ALL THAT WAS HAPPENING REAL
TIME, AND IN 1876, WHICH IS REALLY THE CLIMAX OF THIS BOOK,
GRANT AS PRESIDENT MAKES A GRAND BARGAIN AND HOLDS THE COUNTRY
TOGETHER AS AN ELECTION IS CONTESTED.
LOUISIANA, FLORIDA, SOUTH CAROLINA REFUSED TO MOVE
ELECTORS UP.
AND SO HE DOES THIS GRAND BARGAIN WITH REPUBLICANS AND
DEMOCRATS TO HOLD EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
THIS 2020, OBVIOUSLY, WAS ANOTHER ELECTION WHERE THERE
WERE PEOPLE VERY UPSET ABOUT IT, AND THAT MOMENT, THAT CHAOS,
THAT DARK DAY IN WASHINGTON IS SIMILAR TO WHAT WE SAW IN 1876.
>> Stephen: PART OF HIM SORT OF BRINGING AN END TO THAT
CONFLICT OVER WHO HAD WON THE PRESIDENTIAL RECOLLECTION WAS
THE COMPROMISE THAT PULLED UNION TROOPS OUT OF THE SOUTH.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: WHICH ESSENTIALLY ENDED RECONSTRUCTION.
>> IT DOES.
>> Stephen: SO WE NEVER REALLY HAD A RECONSTRUCTION OF THE
CONFEDERACY, WHICH IS WHY, AS MY FRIEND CHARLEMAGNE SAID, WE
NEVER DE-CRACKERRIFIED AMERICA.
AND YOU HAD PEOPLE STILL BELIEVING IN THE CONFEDERACY
HAVING THE RIGHT TO RISE AGAIN AND MARCHING INTO THE CAPITOL
JANUARY 6, 2021, AND CARRYING THE FLAG, AND THERE SEEMS A
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THAT DEAL AND THE FACT THAT THE SOUTH IS
STILL A CAUSE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
>> THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT IT IS GRANT KNEW RECONSTRCONSTRUCTION
RUN ITS COURSE, AND THE SOUTH WAS NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH IT.
THEY WERE ALREADY RIOTING.
BY MAKING THIS DEAL, HE GOT THEM TO ESSENTIALLY SIGN ON TO BEING
A PART OF THE UNION WITHOUT FALLING BACK INTO A CIVIL WAR.
YOU KNOW, GRANT, WE FORGET, THE 13th, 14th, 15th
AMENDMENTS OF THE CONSTITUTION ARE BECAUSE OF GRANT.
AND HE FOUGHT THE K.K.K. WITH FEDERAL TROOPS.
HE REALLY FOUGHT FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS, BLACK COMMUNITIES TO
BE CITIZENS AND TO HAVE A REAL LIFE IN AMERICA.
AND BECAUSE THE CIVIL RIGHTS ERA HAD TO COME YEARS LATER, A LOT
OF PEOPLE POINT BACK TO THAT MOMENT.
BUT GRANT DID AMAZING THINGS IN HIS TWO TERMS.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM THE
ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF ULYSSES S.
GRANT, BUT I DO BELIEVE THE PRESSURES PUT ON HIM AT THAT
MOMENT ACTUALLY LED TO A...
STRANGLING THE IDEA IN THE CRADLE OF REFORMING THE SOUTH.
>> I AGREE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHILE THERE WAS RIOTING, THAT'S WHAT
THE TROOPS WERE FOR.
>> AND ALSO ANDREW JOHNSON, AFTER LINCOLN, WAS A RACIST KIND
OF PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, DEEPLY CORRUPT.
AND THERE WAS ALSO A FAIR AMOUNT OF CORRUPTION IN GRANT'S
ADMINISTRATION AS WELL.
DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT AT ALL?
>> YES, AND WE DEAL WITH ALL OF THE CORRUPTION.
HE TRUSTED A LOT OF PEOPLE.
HE WASN'T A POLITICIAN BEFORE, AND HE HAD A LOT OF FOIBLES, A
LOT OF FLAWS.
BUT HE, IF YOU LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, WAS A BIG LEADER.
AND THE BOOK ENDS-- IT BEGINS ON JANUARY 6, BUT IT ENDS WITH
PROTESTERS IN SAN FRANCISCO RIPPING DOWN A GRANT STATUE.
AND THEN BEING ASKED, "WHY ARE YOU RIPPING THIS DOWN?"
AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE DOING IT.
AND I JUST THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK BACK IN
HISTORY AND REALIZE WHO DID WHAT AND HOW WE CAN LEARN FROM IT
GOING FORWARD.
>> Stephen: WELL, BRET, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU AGAIN, THANKS SO
MUCH.
>> THANKS A LOT, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THE BOOK, "TO RESCUE THE REPUBLIC" IS AVAILABLE
OCTOBER 12.
THE MAN IS BRET BAIER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" STAR, SUSIE
ESSMAN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN,
ACTRESS, AND WRITER.
SHE STARS AS SUSIE GREENE ON "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM," WHICH
IS RETURNING FOR ITS 11th SEASON.
>> AND I WANT TO MAKE A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP.
YES, TO FRIENDSHIP.
>> TO FRIENDSHIP AND TO BE WITH EVERYONE.
>> CASSIE, HARRY.
>> CHEERS!
LARRY, YOU CAN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TOAST?
>> LOUIE IN THE EYE?
TOWARDS WHAT END?
>> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO.
LOOK THEM IN THE EYE.
>> WHAT IS THIS A SEANCE, RAISING PEOPLE FROM THE DEAD.
>> WE'RE CONNECTING AND HAVING SOME INTIMACY.
>> I DON'T NEED TO CONNECT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
YOU'RE SAYING, "HELLO, I SEE YOU."
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.
I CONNECT WITH YOU.
>> HELLO!
I SEE YOU!
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU!
I CONNECT WITH YOU!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," SUSIE ESSMAN!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE!
>> Stephen: HUMAN BEINGS.
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE, HUMAN BEINGS.
LISTEN, I WANT TO SAY TO THE OUTSET, THERE IS NOTHING TO THE
RUMOR ABOUT BRET AND ME.
WE DATED A LITTLE BIT, BUT IT WAS ULYSSES S. GRANT THIS,
ULYSSES S. GRANT THAT.
HE WAS ALWAYS IN BED WITH US, STEPHEN.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE 11th SEASON.
>> ISN'T THAT CRAZY.
>> Stephen: 21 YEARS OF "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM."
>> IT'S SO GREAT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DREAM FOR A MINUTE-- NOBODY SIGNS ON FOR A
PROJECT THINKING I'M DO THIS FOR 20 YEARS?
>> NO, I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE IN IT AFTER THE FIRST YEAR.
I HAD NO CONTRACT.
I WAS A DAY PLAYER FOR, LIKE, THE FIRST FOUR SEASON S.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE KIDDING, REALLY?
>> YEAH, THAT MEANS NO MONEY.
>> Stephen: SURE "PLAY AS CAST."
>> WE WERE THE UGLY STEPCHILD SHOW TO "THE SOPRANOS" AND "SEX
AND THE CITY."
>> Stephen: AND WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
>> EXACTLY.
DEAD.
WELL, NOT "SEX AND THE CITY."
THEY CAME BACK.
"THE SOPRANOS" CAME BACK.
THE PREQUEL.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW LARRY BEFORE?
>> I MET LARIAT CATCH A RISING STAR IN 1985 OR '86, OR
SOMETHING, WHERE HE WAS THE LEGENDARY COMEDIAN'S COMEDIAN.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT IN '85, HE WAS LEGENDARY?
>> OH, YEAH.
WE WOULD ALL GO INTO THE ROOM TO WATCH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS
DANGEROUS.
HE WAS VOLATILE.
AND HE HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT MATERIAL.
BUT THE AUDIENCE-- IF ONE WOMAN LOOKED AT HER WATCH, HE'D STORM
OFF, HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM.
ONE NIGHT HE GOT ON STAGE AND LOOKED AT THE AUDIENCE AND SAID,
"I DON'T THINK SO," AND WALKED OFF.
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: I NEVER DID STAND-UP, BUT COMEDIAN'S
COMEDIAN ALWAYS SOUNDED TO ME LIKE, COMEDIANS LIKE HIM, BUT
THE AUDIENCE, NOT AS MUCH.
>> LARRY NEVER, NEVER FIGURED OUT HOTO PANDER TO AN AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: NOT EVEN A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE LIKE THIS
ONE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> THAT WAS A POSITIVE.
>> Stephen: SORRY, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
>> THAT WAS A POSITIVE THING BECAUSE HE HAD SUCH INTEGRITY
ABOUT HIS MATERIAL, YOU KNOW.
AND HE WOULDN'T JUST LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
HE WOULD NEVER GO TO THAT LEVEL THAT THE REST OF US WENT TO
BECAUSE WE WERE DESPERATE FOR THEIR LAYOFF LAUGH S.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> HE WAS NEVER DESPERATE FOR THEIR LAUGHS.
>> Stephen: HE DOES RADIATE A "I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE ME,"
VIBE.
BUT INSIDE A HEART OF GOLD?
>> EON I LOVE LARRY, ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE MY HUSBAND, AND
BRET BAIER.
>> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS KNOWN FOR SOME OF HER OUTFITS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HERE YOU ARE KIND OF LIKE A RHODA... AMY SHERMAN
PALADINO KIND OF LOOK HERE, FRENCH SAILOR.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT, LIKE-- I LIKE THIS.
I'M TAKING THIS HOME.
>> THE ONE THING I HAVE NEVER SAID TO OUR WARDROBE DESIGNER
IS, "CAN I KEEP THIS?" EVER, EVER.
BUT I LIKE BEING SUSIE GREENE FOR THAT REASON.
I DON'T WANT TO WEAR WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR.
I LOVE PUTTING ON THESE OUTRAGEOUS OUTFITS AND THEN I'M
HER FOR THAT DAY.
>> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS ALSO KNOWN FOR AN ABSOLUTELY
FILTHY MOUTH.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IS THAT STRICTLY THE CHARACTER OR DOES IT SHOW UP
IN YOUR DAILY LIFE AS WELL.
>> I MEAN, DON'T ( BLEEP ) WITH ME.
IF YOU PUSH ME.
>> Stephen: SURE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> I'M NOT AS VOLATILE AS HER.
SHE'S VERY REACTIVE.
YOU KNOW, YOU DO SOMETHING AND SHE JUST RESPONDS AND SHE NEVER
THINKS ABOUT ANYTHING.
SHE'S COMPLETELY SECURE IN ALL OF HER OPINIONS.
I'M A COMIC.
I'M ANALYZING AND SECOND GUESSING.
I'M INSECURE.
SO THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
BUT WE BOTH TAKE NO PRISONERS.
I WOULD SAY THAT.
IS THIS MINE?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> IS THIS MINE?
>> Stephen: LET'S FIND OUT.
>> OH, MY GOD!
IT'S BOURBON.
ULYSSES S. GRANT IS HERE.
>> Stephen: "CURB" IS KNOWN FOR DISSECTING LITTLE MOMENTS OF
HUMAN INTERACTION.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT ONE PERSON CALLS INTO QUESTION.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: AND I WOULD LIKE TO--
>> THAT ONE PERSON IS ALWAYS LARRY.
>> Stephen: YES, IS ALWAYS LARRY BUT ENDS UP BEING THE BULK
OF THE CRISE.
I WANTED TO GO OVER WITH YOU SOME EVERYDAY SOCIAL
INTERACTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN HOTLY CONTESTED ON THE SHOW.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: AND SEE IF I CAN GET YOUR ACTUAL RESPONSE, YOUR
ACTUAL TAKE.
>> ME, NOT SUSIE GREENE.
>> Stephen: SUSIE ESSMAN.
"WHEN PEOPLE SAY NO GIFTS, DO THEY REALLY MEAN IT?"
>> OH, THAT IS SUCH A LOAD OF CRAP "NO GIFTS."
YOU SHOW UP WITH NO GIFTS THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU FOR
WEEKS.
THEY'RE WHISPERING BEHIND YOUR BACK.
IT'S SUCH A LOAD OF NONE TENSE, NO GIFTS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: WHAT IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR
NAME?" >> THAT IS EVEN WORSE.
"I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR NAME."
>> Stephen: I GET ALL THE CREDIT.
IT'S IN YOUR NAME BUT IT'S MY MONEY.
>> WE HAD AN EPISODE ABOUT THAT, THE ANONYMOUS DONOR, THE PEOPLE
WHO DONATE ANONYMOUSLY, THEY'RE SO FANTASTIC-- I DO THAT
SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE, BECAUSE NOW WE KNOW YOU DO IT.
IF IT'S HALLOWEEN AND PEOPLE ARE TRICK-OR-TREATING WITHOUT A
COSTUME, SHOULD THEY STILL GET CANDY?
>> IT DEPENDS HOW OLD YOU ARE, DON'T YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: IF THE PERSON HAS HIT PUBERTY.
>> NO, NO TRICK-OR-TREATING FOR CANDY.
GO GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN CANDY!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH YOU.
I AGREE WITH YOU.
>> IT'S FOR THE KIDS!
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU HAVE TO ATTEMPT SOMETHING.
>> SOMETHING.
MUSTACHE PAINTED ON OR AN EYE PATCH THAT YOU'RE MOCHE DIANE,
OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: SO FEW LATE-NIGHT SHOWS MAKE MOSHE DIANE
REFERENCES THESE DAYS.
I ASK THEM TO AT LEAST DO AN IMPRESSION.
HERE WE GO: SAMPLES AT AN ICE CREAM SHOP.
SHOULD THERE BE A LIMIT ON HOW MANY YOU CAN ASK FOR?
>> YEAH, TWO.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WHY, IT'S NO SKIN OFF YOUR ROSY NOSE.
>> THAT'S A RUSE.
IN THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE, HE WAS WAITING ON LINE BEHIND HER,
AND SHE'S JUST SAMPLED THIS AND SAMPLED THAT AND SAMPLED THIS.
AND, MEANWHILE, SHE HAD, LIKE, MAYBE, FOUR OR FIVE SCOOPS ALL
TOGETHER THAT SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR.
I'M ON TO HER.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S UNLIMITED.
>> YOU DO, REALLY?
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S UNLIMITED.
>> WITH TOPPINGS.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T PUT TOPPINGS ON-- THAT'S TOO FAR.
COULD YOU PUT SOME JIMMIES ON THERE?
I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE COMBINATION'S LIKE.
>> SPRINKLES.
DON'T YOU LOVE SPRINKLE S.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE SPRINKLES.
I DON'T.
THEY'RE JUST COLORED SUGAR.
THERE'S NO CHARACTER TO THEM.
>> ONCE WHEN I RAN AWAY WHEN I WAS A KID, THAT'S WHAT I MAKD
WAS SPRINKLES.
>> Stephen: IT'S A GREAT SOURCE OF ENERGY.
>> I WENT IN THE CABINET AND LOOKED AROUND AND WAS LIKE, OH,
SPRINKLES.
I CAME BACK A HALF AN HOUR LATER SO IT WAS FINE.
IT WAS ALL JACKED UP.
>> Stephen: SUSIE, LOVELY TO SE YOU.
>> YOU, TOO.
WE'RE DONE.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STAY, BUT THE CAMERAS ARE TURNING OFF.
( APPLAUSE ) SEASON 11 OF "CURB YOUR
ENTHUSIASM" PREMIERES CTOBER 24 ON HBO.
SUSIE ESSMAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
COLUMNIST BEN SMITH TWEETED SLIDES USED TO RAISE MONEY AT A
$450 MILLION VALUATION.
ONE WITH THE QUOTE, "OZZIE IS THE COOLEST NEW MEDIA COMPANY
ANYWHERE."
DID YOU ACTUALLY SAY THIS?
AND IF YOU DID, CAN YOU PROMISE NOT TO SAY IT ABOUT VIRTUE
SIGNAL?
( LAUGHS ) >> I WENT TO OZZIE HAD THESE
LOVELY FESTIVALS IN CENTRAL PARK.
I DID A COUPLE OF THEM, AND THEY WERE A LOT OF FUN.
I MEAN, OZY PUT ON A LOT OF-- A LOT OF REALLY INTERESTING
EVENTS, WHICH I WAS-- I WAS PRIVILEGED TO ATTEND.
>> WERE YOU CONCERNED THE ORGANIZATION WAS SMOKE AND
MIRRORS WHEN YOU NOTICED THAT THEY KEPT SAYING THEY'VE SOLD 20
BILLION TICKETS?
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE DR. SANJAY GUPTA,
AND THE DIRECTOR OF "DUNE," DENIS VILLENEUVE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU, SUSIE ESSMAN.
WE'RE COWERING BEFORE THIS MANMADE RULE LIKE IT'S BEEN
HANDED DOWN BY A DIVINE AUTHORITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF WE GET RID OF IT?
REPENT!
FOR WE HAVE ANGERED THE VENGEFUL FILIBUSTER GOD TO NEBRION.
OH, TENEBRION.
WE UNLEASH THE UNWORTHY DOOMING US TO A CENTURY HAVING TO
EXPLAIN THE DEBT SEALING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!
WITH JOKES ( EXPLOSION )
THE MAN WITHIN THE MOON.
15-YEAR-OLD REFERENCE, CHRIS.