1 00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,637 >> WHISTLEBLOWER FRANCES HAUGEN APPEARED BEFORE CONGRESS TO SAY 2 00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:08,007 FACEBOOK KNEW ABOUT THE HARM ITS PRODUCTS WERE CAUSING, BUT 3 00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:13,847 PLACED PROFITS AHEAD OF SAFETY. 4 00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:15,849 >> HER APPEARANCE IS COMING AFTER A MASSIVE OUTAGE THAT TOOK 5 00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:17,717 FACEBOOK AND ITS FAMILY OF APPS, INCLUDING INSTAGRAM AND 6 00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,519 WHATSAPP, DOWN FOR ABOUT SIX HOURS YESTERDAY. 7 00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:22,088 >> INVESTORS RESPONDED, HAMMERING THE STOCK. 8 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:27,994 MONDAY'S SELL-OFF COST MARK ZUCKERBERG BILLIONS. 9 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,496 HE LOST MORE THAN $6 BILLION AS HIS FACEBOOK STOCK TANKED. 10 00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:30,997 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 11 00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:45,445 ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ) 12 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:09,202 ( LAUGHTER ) ( EXPLOSION ) 13 00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:17,510 ( LAUGHTER ) ( EXPLOSION ) 14 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:21,214 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 15 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:31,090 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 16 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,860 MICHAEL KEATON AND MUSICAL GUEST ZAC BROWN 17 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:34,994 BAND FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 18 00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:36,296 HUMAN. 19 00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:44,704 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 20 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,806 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 21 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:54,547 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 22 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:55,782 >> Stephen: HELLO! 23 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:58,618 HEY! 24 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:03,223 NICELY DONE! 25 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:11,131 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DID YOU HIT IT? 26 00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,699 HEY! 27 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:14,634 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 28 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:15,502 STEPHEN! 29 00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:16,469 STEPHEN! 30 00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:16,903 STEPHEN! 31 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,604 >> Stephen: HEY! 32 00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:22,242 THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 33 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,345 EVERYBODY, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, MR. AND 34 00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:27,847 MRS. AMERICA, AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA, WELCOME TO "THE LATE 35 00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:28,548 SHOW." 36 00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:30,250 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 37 00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:31,518 AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- ( APPLAUSE ). 38 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:35,288 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I I COME TO YOU TONIGHT FROM A ROOM FULL OF 39 00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:36,222 WARRIORS. 40 00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:37,056 HEROES. 41 00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:39,158 SURVIVORS. 42 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:42,729 FORGET WORLD WAR II. 43 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:46,499 THIS IS THE GREATEST GENERATION, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, EVERY SINGLE 44 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:50,803 PERSON IN THIS ROOM HAD TO DIG DOWN DEEP WITHIN THEMSELVES AND 45 00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:53,106 FIND THE STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH FACEBOOK'S SIX-HOUR 46 00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:55,341 WORLDWIDE OUTAGE. 47 00:02:55,408 --> 00:03:06,152 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 48 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:13,192 AND I BELIEVE OUR COUNTRY CAN SURVIVE LOSING FACEBOOK, WHO 49 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,661 KNOWS. 50 00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:15,895 MAYBE IT CAN SURVIVE HAVING FACEBOOK. 51 00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:18,331 THE OUTAGE INCLUDED ALL OF FACEBOOK'S PRODUCTS, KNOWN 52 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:19,265 COLLECTIVELY AS "THE INTERNET." 53 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:21,467 AND PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD WERE AFFECTED: 54 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:24,604 IN MEXICO, POLITICIANS WERE CUT OFF FROM THEIR CONSTITUENTS. 55 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:28,141 IN TURKEY AND KENYA, SHOPKEEPERS COULDN'T SELL THEIR WARES. 56 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:35,181 AND HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOUR AUNT GLORIA HAD TO WAIT 57 00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:37,584 FULL SIX HOURS BEFORE DOING HER OWN RESEARCH ABOUT HOW THE 58 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:39,252 VACCINES MAGNETIZE YOUR BLOOD BECAUSE BILL GATES WANTS TO USE 59 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,887 YOUR SPINE AS A COMPASS. 60 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,490 ( APPLAUSE ) LOOK IT UP! 61 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:48,494 THE FACEBOOK OUTAGE ALSO HIT YOUR AVERAGE LOCAL BILLIONAIRE, 62 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:58,605 BECAUSE THE COMPANY'S STOCK PLUMMETED, AND IN A JUST FEW 63 00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:02,075 HOURS, ZUCKERBERG LOST $6 BILLION. 64 00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,676 YEAH! 65 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,179 JUST 115 MORE TO GO, AND HE'LL HAVE TO SELL HIS OLD STUFF ON 66 00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:12,785 FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE: "FOR SALE: GRAY HOODIE AND USED 67 00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:18,291 COPY OF 'EYE CONTACT FOR BEGINNERS. 68 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,026 ' PRICE? 69 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,027 130... 70 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,563 BILLION DOLLARS." 71 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:24,764 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 72 00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:33,139 YES, IT WAS A TYPE WRITER. 73 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:41,848 THE COMPANY ITSELF HAD ONLY THE VAGUEST EXPLANATION FOR THE 74 00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:45,284 BLAMING A FAULTY CONFIGURATION CHANGE ON THE "BACKBONE ROUTERS 75 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:46,619 THAT COORDINATE NETWORK TRAFFIC BETWEEN DATA CENTERS." 76 00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:47,754 WELL, OF COURSE! 77 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,756 AND HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS THE INVERTED RADIAL PROCESSOR 78 00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,691 CORRUPTING THE SHELL COMMAND JAVASCRIPT IN THE BLEEP 79 00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:57,163 BLORP TEDDY RUXPIN NINTENDO CYBER-BIKE. 80 00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,233 WELL, I'VE BEEN DRAGGING MY FEET FOR THE WHOLE MONOLOGUE. 81 00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,669 NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY NOT TO, SOMETIMES THE NEWS FORCES ME TO 82 00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,303 TALK ABOUT OUR FORMER PRESIDENT, SCROOGE McSCHMUCK. 83 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:09,742 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, HERE'S WHY, HERE'S WHY. 84 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,010 THIS IS THE STORY. 85 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,279 THERE'S A NEW TELL-ALL FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS 86 00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,114 SECRETARY AND MORTICIA ADDAMS' DIVORCED SISTER, STEPHANIE 87 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:19,786 GRISHAM. 88 00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:21,954 STEPHANIE GRISHAM WORKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FOUR YEARS, AND 89 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,489 AS PRESS SECRETARY, SHE FAMOUSLY NEVER GAVE A SINGLE PRESS 90 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:25,258 CONFERENCE. 91 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:28,294 BUT NOW SHE'S SPILLING ALL THE TEA IN HER NEW BOOK, "I JUST 92 00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:30,596 RECENTLY GREW A SPINE." 93 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:35,668 ( LAUGHTER ) LAWZ 94 00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,137 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS THAT THE TITLE? 95 00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,972 IS THAT THE TITLE? 96 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,374 IS THAT THE TITLE? 97 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:45,678 I HAVEN'T READ IT. 98 00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:54,554 FULL DISCLOSURE: THIS SHOW, THIS SHOW RIGHT HERE, IS THE NUMBER 99 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,988 ONE PLACE IN LATE NIGHT TO PUSH PAPER. 100 00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:57,957 WE SELL A LOT OF BOOKS, BUT I DON'T WANT TO HELP HER SELL A 101 00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,559 SINGLE COPY OF HER TELL-ALL ABOUT ALL THE TIMES SHE TOLD US 102 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:00,660 NOTHING. 103 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:03,730 THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO SPOIL ALL THE JUICY DETAILS OF 104 00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:04,997 "I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY NOW." 105 00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:07,934 IN THE BOOK, GRISHAM USES A LOT OF COLORFUL LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE 106 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,871 THE ADMINISTRATION, CALLING IT "A CLOWN CAR ON FIRE RUNNING AT 107 00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:15,675 FULL SPEED INTO A WAREHOUSE FULL OF FIREWORKS." 108 00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,778 OR AS FOX NEWS WOULD PUT IT, A BRAVE BAND OF FLAMING 109 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,146 HARLEQUINS RUSHING PATRIOTICALLY INTO THE EXPLOSIVE JAWS OF 110 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,448 DANGER." 111 00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:30,690 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 112 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:35,795 JUST A REMINDER: SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT THE FIERY CLOWN CAR AND 113 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:39,098 SHE STILL CALLED SHOTGUN FOR FOUR YEARS. 114 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:42,568 GRISHAM GOES ON TO WRITE, "I CAN GIVE YOU ENDLESS METAPHORS: 115 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:46,005 LIVING IN A HOUSE THAT WAS ALWAYS ON FIRE, OR IN AN INSANE 116 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,908 ASYLUM WHERE YOU COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 117 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,643 PATIENTS AND THE ATTENDANTS, OR ON A ROLLER COASTER THAT NEVER 118 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:54,947 STOPPED." 119 00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:56,749 OOO, OOO-- LET ME TRY: BEING IN HIS ADMINISTRATION IS LIKE 120 00:06:56,816 --> 00:07:03,189 SLIDING BLINDFOLDED DOWN A 50-FOOT RAZOR BLADE INTO A TUB 121 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,357 OF GIN. 122 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,125 IT'S LIKE WALKING THROUGH A MINEFIELD LED BY A BABY TRYING 123 00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:07,260 TO CHANGE HIS OWN DIAPER! 124 00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:08,594 DRIVING A MANURE TRUCK OVER A CLIFF INTO A PIT OF OTHER 125 00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:09,796 MANURE TRUCKS. 126 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:10,963 DEEP SEA DIVING SURROUNDED BY SHARKS WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT 127 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,366 WINNING WISCONSIN. 128 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:15,635 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 129 00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:17,770 GRISHAM ALSO-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 130 00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:23,276 ♪ ♪ ♪ WHAT IS GOING ON? 131 00:07:23,342 --> 00:07:27,814 GRISHAM ALSO WRITES ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S 2017 TRIP TO 132 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,417 SAUDI ARABIA, WHEN HE FORGOT TO PACK HIS USUAL PRODUCTS, SO HE 133 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,953 WORE STEPHANIE GRISHAM'S MAKEUP DURING A SPEECH. 134 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,890 LUCKILY, THEY USE THE SAME SHADE. 135 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,326 MAYBE HE'S BORN WITH IT; MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE. 136 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:43,196 PROBABLY IT'S TANG. 137 00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:45,598 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 138 00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:49,902 THAT'S NOT-- BECAUSE HE'S ORANGE. 139 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,370 VERY ORANGE. 140 00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:54,173 THAT'S NOT THE ONLY EMBARRASSING DETAIL IN GRISHAM'S NEW BOOK-- 141 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:58,978 ONCE AGAIN, TITLED: "I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T SPIT IN 142 00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:02,215 MY FOOD," SHE ALSO REVEALS THE FORMER PRESIDENT SHARED HIS 143 00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:05,918 LOGIC FOR NOT EATING VEGETARIAN: "IT MESSES WITH YOUR BODY 144 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:10,056 CHEMISTRY, YOUR BRAIN, AND IF I LOSE EVEN ONE BRAIN CELL, WE'RE 145 00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:11,891 (BLEEP). 146 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,092 ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. 147 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,927 YOU HEARD THAT. 148 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:18,264 YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY. 149 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,634 THE EX-PRESIDENT BELIEVES VEGETABLES ARE DANGEROUS. 150 00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:26,572 THAT'S WHY HE CHANGED THE FOOD PYRAMID TO MEAT, NUGGET, AND 151 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,842 HERE THERE BE DRAGONS. 152 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:33,880 GRISHAM ALSO GOES AFTER THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FAMILY. 153 00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:38,584 FOR INSTANCE, SHE REVEALS THAT AT THE 2017 WHITE HOUSE 154 00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:41,087 EASTER EGG ROLL, DON JR., ERIC, AND THEIR FAMILIES CUT OTHER 155 00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:43,856 KIDS IN LINE SO THEY COULD BE PHOTOGRAPHED WITH THE PRESIDENT. 156 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,225 LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 157 00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:49,962 THEY CUT A BUNCH OF LITTLE KIDS IN LINE SO THEY COULD BE FIRST 158 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:53,699 TO GET A PICTURE WITH THEIR OWN DAD, LIKE HE'S A CHARACTER AT 159 00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:54,734 DISNEY WORLD. 160 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,669 ( AS ERIC ) "DAD, PLEASE TAKE A PICTURE WITH 161 00:08:56,736 --> 00:08:58,804 ME! 162 00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:03,542 ( APPLAUSE ) I ALREADY GOT-- 163 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:06,345 ( APPLAUSE ) I ALREADY GOT-- 164 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:13,786 ( APPLAUSE ) I ALREADY GOT TIGGER AND GASTON! 165 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:16,155 I ALSO ASKED GASTON TO TAKE ME FISHING. 166 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,292 HE SAID NO. 167 00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:23,562 ♪ NO ONE HUGS LIKE MY DAD BEATS UP THUGS LIKE MY DAD 168 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:24,397 ♪ NO ONE SNORTS LOTS OF A.D.D. 169 00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:27,900 DRUGS LIKE MY DAD ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 170 00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:33,639 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 171 00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,241 SCENE. 172 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:39,312 SCENE. 173 00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:43,683 I WANT TO THANK THE ACADEMY... 174 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:47,286 THIS WAS MELANIA'S FIRST BIG SOCIAL EVENT AFTER THE ELECTION, 175 00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:50,523 THE EASTER EGG ROLL. 176 00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:55,161 SO THERE WAS A TON OF PRESSURE ON HER TO GET IT RIGHT, 177 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,029 OBVIOUSLY. 178 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,664 AND SHE TOOK HER STRESS OUT ON THE EASTER BUNNY HIMSELF. 179 00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,633 ACCORDING TO GRISHAM, MOMENTS BEFORE HIS BIG REVEAL, MELANIA 180 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,102 SAID, "I DON'T LIKE WHAT HE IS WEARING," BECAUSE SHE FELT IT 181 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,972 WAS TACKY. 182 00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,274 OH, AND THE LAST THING YOU WANT IS FOR YOUR GIANT PLUSH BUNNY TO 183 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,442 BE TACKY. 184 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,876 NOW, FOCUSING ON CLOTHES MAY SOUNDS PETTY, BUT MELANIA WAS 185 00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:14,080 JUST KEEPING WITH THE SPIRIT OF EASTER. 186 00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:17,116 REMEMBER JOHN 11:25: "JESUS SAID TO HER, 'I AM THE 187 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:17,883 RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE. 188 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,186 AND, GIRL, WHAT IS THIS ENSEMBLE? 189 00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:27,026 WE GOTTA GET YOU TO BERGDORF'S." 190 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:28,394 GRISHAM-- ( APPLAUSE ) 191 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:32,264 GRISHAM GOES ON TO DIVULGE THAT MINUTES BEFORE HE WAS TO HOP OUT 192 00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:34,834 ONTO THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN, MELANIA MADE THE EASTER BUNNY 193 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:39,372 STRIP. 194 00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:43,976 LUCKILY-- AND IS THIS TRUE-- LUCKILY, WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE. 195 00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:51,250 ♪ ♪ ♪ JIM, YOU CUT AWAY BEFORE WE SAW 196 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,586 THE JELLY BEANS! 197 00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:55,154 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 198 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:58,324 AT LEAST THE PEEPS. 199 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,126 THE GRASS! 200 00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:00,960 THE GRASS. 201 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,195 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 202 00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:04,930 EASTER WASN'T THE ONLY MAJOR EVENT FULL OF DRAMA. 203 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:09,468 WHEN THE PRESIDENT HAD A STATE DINNER WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND 204 00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:11,670 IN 2019, ALL OF HIS KIDS AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TRIED 205 00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:13,739 TO GET ON THE INVITE LIST, INCLUDING ERIC'S WIFE, LARA; 206 00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,942 TIFFANY'S BOYFRIEND, MICHAEL BOULOS; AND DON JR.'S 207 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:20,312 GIRLFRIEND, FOX NEWS HOST KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE. 208 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:21,914 JUST WHO YOU WANT INTERACTING WITH THE QUEEN. 209 00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,817 ( AS QUEEN ELIZABETH ) "OH, DEAR, DON JR. 210 00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:31,557 YOU SEEM TO HAVE DROPPED YOUR TINY BAGGIE OF SUGAR. 211 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,291 HMMM. 212 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,895 LET'S PUT A LITTLE BIT IN MY TEA. 213 00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:37,063 HMMM. 214 00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:37,897 WHOOO! 215 00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:45,938 LIZZY FEELS ALIVE!" ( APPLAUSE ) 216 00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,006 IT'S COCAINE. 217 00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:49,308 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT MELANIA'S CHIEF OF STAFF PUT 218 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,044 THE KIBOSH ON EXPANDING THE GUEST LIST, SAYING, "WE ARE 219 00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:56,549 GOING TO LOOK LIKE THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES." 220 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:59,285 THAT IS OFFENSIVE TO THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. 221 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:01,787 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 222 00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:05,191 IVANKA'S NO ELLIE MAE, DON JR. IS NO JETHRO. 223 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:08,260 BUT KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE DOES REMIND ME OF GRANNY: 224 00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:09,862 >> THE BEST! 225 00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:10,596 IS YET! 226 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:15,634 TO COME! 227 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:20,039 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GRISHAM-- I MISS 228 00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:22,475 THAT GOOD WOMAN. 229 00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,710 GRISHAM ALSO HAS THINGS TO SAY ABOUT SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND 230 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,612 MAN WHO JUST DUMPED AT THE MALL, LINDSEY GRAHAM. 231 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,148 IN THE BOOK, GRISHAM CALLS GRAHAM "SENATOR FREELOADER" AND 232 00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:30,916 SAID HE WOULD SHOW UP AT MAR-A-LAGO TO "STUFF HIS FACE 233 00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,785 WITH FREE FOOD." 234 00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:35,888 AND SHE REMEMBERED THIS INCIDENT: "SENATOR FREELOADER 235 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,958 WAS SITTING AT A TABLE BY THE POOL, A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE, 236 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:41,760 LAPPING UP THE GOODIES HE WAS GETTING LIKE SOME POTENTATE. 237 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:46,198 HE SAID TO ME, WITH A CREEPY LITTLE SMILE, 'ISN'T THIS GREAT? 238 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,934 MAN, THIS IS THE LIFE.'" FOR YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 239 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:52,271 ASKING, "WHY WOULD LINDSEY GRAHAM ABANDON ALL OF HIS 240 00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:57,476 PRINCIPLES AND KOWTOW TO A DEMAGOGUE BENT ON DESTROYING 241 00:12:57,543 --> 00:13:00,646 DEMOCRACY?" TURNS OUT, FREE SHRIMP. 242 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:02,114 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 243 00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:09,488 IN THE RUN-UP TO 2024 ( APPLAUSE ) 244 00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:10,356 DELICIOUS. 245 00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:12,925 ALWAYS ROOM FOR MORE SHRIMP. 246 00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:14,994 IN THE RUN-UP TO 2024, REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO 247 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:17,363 WHITEWASH THE JANUARY 6 RIOT, BUT LAST NIGHT, WE GOT THE 248 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:21,400 WHITEST OF ALL WASHES FROM THE WHITEST OF ALL MEN: FORMER VICE 249 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,703 PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE TRYING TO PRAY AWAY THE IMPURE 250 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:26,605 THOUGHTS HE GOT FROM LOOKING AT THE LADY ON BOTTLE OF CHOLULA 251 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,307 HOT SAUCE. 252 00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:34,380 ( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S GOOD LOOKING. 253 00:13:34,446 --> 00:13:37,249 GOOD-LOOKING LADY. 254 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:42,421 ( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S UP THERE WITH THE LANDO' 255 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:46,325 LAKES LADY, AND THE GIRL ON THE BOX OF RAISINS. 256 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:47,927 VERY TEMPTING. 257 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:52,531 THE FORMER VEEP WENT ON THE FOX NEWS LA T NIGHT TO EXPLAIN THAT 258 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:59,071 HE HAS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 259 00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:01,473 >> A POLITICAL FOX HOLE IS ALSO WHAT HE CALLS THE FORMER 260 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:02,441 PRESIDENT'S BUTT. 261 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:07,046 SO NAMED BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF FOX ARVGORS. 262 00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:09,515 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 263 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,017 MY GUEST IS MICHAEL KEATON. 264 00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:14,820 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 265 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:15,754 JOIN US. 266 00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:48,787 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 267 00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:52,925 GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 268 00:14:52,992 --> 00:15:03,302 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 269 00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:06,205 ♪ BA-DA-BA-DA. 270 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,273 WHAT IS THAT SONG, JON. 271 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:10,376 >> Jon: "TOWNSHIP." 272 00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:13,078 >> Stephen: IS THAT ORIGINAL? 273 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:16,882 >> Jon: YES, INSPIRED BY THE SOWETO NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE 274 00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:18,017 MANDELA GREW UP. 275 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,386 I GOT TO VISIT AND I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE THAT. 276 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,321 >> Stephen: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. 277 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:24,823 YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS BEAUTIFUL, JON, IS MY GUEST TONIGHT, 278 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:25,791 MICHAEL KEATON. 279 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,693 THE GREAT. 280 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,894 >> Jon: BATMAN. 281 00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:31,597 >> Stephen: IS THAT THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF? 282 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,966 THE FIRST THING I THINK OF IS BATMAN. 283 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:37,202 I BOUGHT THEV HS CASSETTE. 284 00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:40,372 I WAS IN ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE SCHOOL, SOMEWHERE AROUND THERE. 285 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,676 I BOUGHT THE CASSETTE AND I WATCHED THAT MAYBE EVERY SINGLE 286 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:44,643 DAY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. 287 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,313 >> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, STILL VERY HARD TO BEAT. 288 00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:50,115 >> Jon: I STILL -- >> Stephen: STILL THE 289 00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:50,516 STANDARD. 290 00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,718 >> Jon: YEAH. 291 00:15:52,785 --> 00:16:01,360 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, 292 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:04,263 RAISING THE FINEST HOLSTEIN NEWS CATTLE, FIRMLY, YET TENDERLY, 293 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,032 MILKING THE LATEST HEADLINES FROM THEIR JOKE-SWOLLEN TEATS, 294 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:10,102 CHURNING THE DAILY STORIES INTO THE DECADENT, PROVENCAL-STYLE 295 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:18,577 TRIPLE CREME BRIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 296 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,412 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STAGGER HOME HUNGRY AFTER 297 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,715 BEING RELEASED BY THE POLICE, ROOT AROUND IN THE NEIGHBOR'S 298 00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:25,117 TRASH CAN FOR AN OLD MILK CARTON, SCRAPE OUT THE BLOOMING 299 00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:26,618 DAIRY RESIDUE ONTO THE REMAINS OF A WET CHEESE RIND I WON 300 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,320 FROM A RAT IN A PRE-DAWN STREET FIGHT, PUT IT IN A DISCARDED 301 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,656 PAINT CAN, AND LEAVE IT TO FERMENT NEXT TO A TRASH FIRE, 302 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:33,859 THEN HUNKER DOWN AND HALLUCINATE WHILE EATING THE LISTERIA-LADEN 303 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:37,396 DEMON CUSTARD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 304 00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:41,033 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> MEANWHILE! 305 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:41,700 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 306 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,235 >> Stephen: DRIVE THAT TRAIN! 307 00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:46,939 THIS IS THE TRAIN. 308 00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:50,642 I WANT YOU ON THE TRAIN, OFF THE TRAIN, MEANWHILE, IT'S THE TRAIN 309 00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:53,512 WE'RE GETTING ON. 310 00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,614 MEANWHILE, THERE ARE A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD, BUT 311 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:59,017 KETCHUP IS NO LONGER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE CONDIMENT GIANT 312 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:03,655 HEINZ HAS LAUNCHED A NEW KETCHUP BOTTLE-SHAPED GADGET 313 00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:07,259 THAT ALLOWS USERS TO SQUEEZE THE MOST OUT OF A CONDIMENT PACKET. 314 00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:10,095 MY GOD, THEY'VE DONE IT! 315 00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:14,533 THEY'VE INVENTED FINGERS. 316 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:18,070 WELL, THAT IS STUPID. 317 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:21,807 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, GET A LOAD OF THIS 318 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,510 RASCAL. 319 00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:25,978 HE'S DANISH ARTIST JENS HAANING. 320 00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:28,414 AND HE'S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, BECAUSE A DANISH MUSEUM GAVE HIM 321 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,282 AN $84,000 COMMISSION FOR HIS WORK. 322 00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:38,257 THEN HE KEPT THE CASH AND NAMED THE ART "TAKE THE MONEY AND 323 00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:40,225 RUN," TELLING THE PRESS, "THE WORK IS THAT I HAVE TAKEN THEIR 324 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:41,927 MONEY." 325 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:46,532 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, VAN GOGH HE DI-IN'T! 326 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:49,802 ART CRITICS CAN LOOK FORWARD TO HAANING'S NEXT PIECE, ENTITLED, 327 00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:52,271 "THE WORK IS THAT I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE." 328 00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:55,507 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, ROME IS BEING OVERRUN 329 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:58,377 BY TRASH-LOVING WILD BOARS. 330 00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:01,513 AMERICAN TOURISTS ARE BACK, BABY! 331 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,649 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 332 00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:04,082 NO? 333 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:04,716 IS THAT NOT IT? 334 00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,919 THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT IT. 335 00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:08,620 THAT'S NOT IT. 336 00:18:08,687 --> 00:18:10,722 I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S NOT IT. 337 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:15,093 APPARENTLY, THE ETERNAL CITY IS FULL OF PACKS OF 10 TO 30 BEASTS 338 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,330 INVADING IN SEARCH OF FOOD IN ROMBAUER'S NOTORIOUSLY 339 00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:22,000 OVERFLOWING RUBBISH BINS. 340 00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:23,268 SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK. 341 00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:24,136 IN AMERICA, YOU CAN EAT ALL THE ITALIAN TRASH YOU WANT BY GOING 342 00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,338 TO PAPA JOHN'S. 343 00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:26,872 ( LAUGHTER ). 344 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,074 >> Jon: OOO-WOOO! 345 00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:31,543 >> Stephen: YEAH! 346 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,846 YEAH! 347 00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:35,547 I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE! 348 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,148 THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO. 349 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:43,255 I DID NOT GO THERE. 350 00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:47,125 MEANWHILE, POPEYES WILL OPEN A FLAGSHIP RESTAURANT IN 351 00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,527 LONDON. 352 00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:51,630 AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON, THERE WILL BE NO CONCESSIONS OR 353 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,500 CHANGES TO THE U.K. MARKET ON THE MENU. 354 00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:55,868 OKAY, ENGLAND? 355 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:58,570 YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED. 356 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,839 OUR FOOD IS DIPPED IN CONCRETE, DEEP FAT FRIED, AND DOUSED WITH 357 00:19:00,906 --> 00:19:03,242 ENOUGH SALT AND SPICES TO DROP A CHARGING RHINO. 358 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,345 THAT'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE A LOT OF FLAVOR IF YOU'RE USED TO 359 00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:09,615 GETTING YOUR CHICKEN FROM "SIR BLANDINGTON'S PLAIN BOILED 360 00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:10,849 FOWL SPORTING CLUB. 361 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:13,118 GUARANTEED DAMP"! 362 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:19,258 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, CLINT EASTWOOD HAS 363 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,895 WON A $6.1 MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT AGAINST A COMPANY FOR 364 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,364 FALSELY CLAIMING THAT HE ENDORSED C.B.D. SUPPLEMENTS. 365 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:28,333 LOOK HOW ECSTATIC HE IS AT THE RULING. 366 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,771 ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SQUINT REAL HARD, YOU CAN 367 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,573 SEE A TINY SMILE. 368 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,443 AND IF YOU SQUINT EVEN HARDER THAN THAT, YOU ARE POBABLY 369 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,344 CLINT EASTWOOD. 370 00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:43,582 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN JAPAN, AN 371 00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,517 AQUARIUM HAS FOUND A CREATURE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIECE OF 372 00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,619 SALMON SUSHI. 373 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:51,023 BIT OF A DARWINIAN MISFIRE THERE. 374 00:19:51,089 --> 00:19:55,193 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EVOLVE TO NOT LOOK DELICIOUS. 375 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,796 THAT'S LIKE IF A DEER TRIED TO HIDE FROM HUNTERS USING 376 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:58,664 MEAT COUNTER CAMOUFLAGE. 377 00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:01,333 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL KEATON. 378 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,000 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 379 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:17,849 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 380 00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:20,085 WELCOME BACK! 381 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:29,861 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO PLEASED TO SAY, THRILLED AND 382 00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,431 HONORED TO TELL YOU THAT MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN 383 00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:33,265 ACTOR YOU KNOW AS 384 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:36,001 "BEETLEJUICE," "BATMAN," AND "BIRDMAN." 385 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,970 HE NOW STARS IN AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCES THE NEW LIMITED SERIES 386 00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:39,071 "DOPESICK." 387 00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:41,440 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MICHAEL KEATON! 388 00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:53,452 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 389 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:55,454 YOU LOOK GOOD. 390 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,390 YOU LOOK SO GOOD. 391 00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:03,695 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 392 00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:14,706 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU! 393 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:16,775 HOW ABOUT THAT? 394 00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,177 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR KNOWING HOW TO MAKE AN 395 00:21:19,244 --> 00:21:20,312 ENTRANCE ON A TALK SHOW. 396 00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:26,251 >> YEAH, I KIND OF MILKED IT -- >> Stephen: THE AUDIENCE 397 00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:36,294 DESERVED-- >> FIRST OF ALL, THANKS FOR 398 00:21:36,361 --> 00:21:41,400 DESERVED-- >> FIRST OF ALL, THANKS FOR 399 00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:41,967 HAVING ME. 400 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:42,834 THIS IS NICE. 401 00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:46,038 HOW MANY COME ON AND ACTUALLY THANK YOU. 402 00:21:46,104 --> 00:21:46,772 >> Stephen: VERY FEW. 403 00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:49,374 >> THEY WEREN'T RAISED CORRECTLY. 404 00:21:49,441 --> 00:21:50,475 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 405 00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:52,177 IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE. 406 00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:53,945 >> IS IT, REALLY? 407 00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,148 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 408 00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,717 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN MICHAEL DOUGLAS KEATON? 409 00:21:58,784 --> 00:22:00,352 >> VERY WELL, VERY WELL. 410 00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:05,857 AND IT IS SO NICE-- THIS IS GREAT. 411 00:22:05,924 --> 00:22:09,127 I'VE ONLY BEEN TO NEW YORK A COUPLE OF TIMES SINCE THE 412 00:22:09,194 --> 00:22:10,395 PANDEMIC. 413 00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:12,164 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: A REAL AUDIENCE. 414 00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:12,964 >> YEAH. 415 00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:14,833 >> Stephen: LIVE, BROADWAY AUDIENCE. 416 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,001 >> IT'S SO NICE, MAN. 417 00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:20,305 AND EVERY TIME I COME HERE THE FIRST THING I DO, BEING ON A 418 00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:22,741 PLANE, IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT WALKING CITIES IN THE WORLD. 419 00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:25,143 SO, YEAH. 420 00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:29,181 SO I ALWAYS HINT THE GROUND RUNNING AND GO OUT AND TAKE A 421 00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:31,950 WALK, TAKE A WALK AND WALK AROUND. 422 00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:36,722 AND THERE WAS NEVER, NEVER ONCE WAS THERE A TIME I HAVE WENT, 423 00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,323 "IT WAS ALL RIGHT." 424 00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:41,993 LAST NAME I WAS OUT FOR A LITTLE JOG, A LITTLE RUN, AND I COME 425 00:22:42,060 --> 00:22:47,265 AROUND THE CORNER DOWNTOWN, AND I SEE-- SORRY, BUT WE'RE ALL 426 00:22:47,332 --> 00:22:49,768 USED TO THIS HERE IN THE CITY-- I SEE A COUPLE OF RATS. 427 00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:54,039 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, LIVING THEIR LIVES. 428 00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:55,073 >> SURE, OF COURSE. 429 00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:55,674 YEAH. 430 00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:59,077 SO I SEE A COUPLE OF RATS. 431 00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:02,914 INTERESTINGLY, MY FIRST REACTION WAS TO PUT MY MASK ON. 432 00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:08,220 ( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WENT-- I WAS GOING, "OH, 433 00:23:08,286 --> 00:23:10,956 GEE, I'M SORRY," AND I'M LIKE THIS. 434 00:23:11,022 --> 00:23:13,625 BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, "NO, NO, IT'S ABOUT YOU. 435 00:23:13,692 --> 00:23:15,260 IT'S ABOUT PROTECTING YOU." 436 00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:19,131 ( LAUGHTER ) "NO, NO, I DON'TMENT YOU TO GET 437 00:23:19,197 --> 00:23:20,365 COVID FROM ME. 438 00:23:20,432 --> 00:23:23,635 YOU COULD HAVE A FAMILY OR SOMEONE IMMUNOCOMPROMISED BACK 439 00:23:23,702 --> 00:23:27,272 IN YOUR DEN!" >> YOU'RE RIGHT, YELLING DOWN A 440 00:23:27,339 --> 00:23:28,206 SEWER. 441 00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:30,609 "REALLY, I'M SORRY, IF I OFFENDED YOU, RATS." 442 00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:34,880 YEAH, SO, SO, IT'S ALWAYS JUST SO FUN TO COME OUT. 443 00:23:34,946 --> 00:23:40,185 AND I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THIS QUESTION: ISN'T IT AMAZING, WHEN 444 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,921 YOU'RE OUT IN THE STREET-- I BET THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU HAVE 445 00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:45,957 ONE OF THESE ON PROBABLY. 446 00:23:46,024 --> 00:23:47,959 >> Stephen: WHEN I'M OUT, NOT ON STAGE. 447 00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:50,462 >> HOW OFTEN YOU'RE RECOGNIZED. 448 00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:53,765 >> Stephen: IF I DON'T TALK AND WEAR SUNGLASSES AND A HAT 449 00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:54,366 I'M COOL. 450 00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:55,300 >> REALLY. 451 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:58,403 >> Stephen: BUT IF I TALK, PEOPLE GO, "HEY!" 452 00:23:58,470 --> 00:23:59,371 >> OR WHATEVER. 453 00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:01,373 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE THE EYEBROWS. 454 00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:03,575 YOU HAVE THOSE BABY BLUES AND THE EYEBROWS. 455 00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:06,745 >> PLUS, THE MICHAEL KEATON HAT THAT I WEAR. 456 00:24:06,812 --> 00:24:10,115 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 457 00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:10,582 YEAH. 458 00:24:10,649 --> 00:24:12,951 >> Stephen: YEAH. 459 00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:14,719 ARROWS POINTING DOWN AT YOUR FACE. 460 00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:17,088 >> AND LIGHTS. 461 00:24:17,155 --> 00:24:21,993 SO, SO, SO I ALWAYS AM KIND OF FASCINATED BY THAT. 462 00:24:22,060 --> 00:24:23,428 I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT. 463 00:24:23,495 --> 00:24:30,101 AND I'M OUT, AND, YOU KNOW, NEW YORKERS ARE THE GREATEST, 464 00:24:30,168 --> 00:24:33,305 BECAUSE THEY'LL ALWAYS YELL-- THEY'RE JUST EXCELLENT AT HOW 465 00:24:33,371 --> 00:24:37,843 THEY-- THEY'RE OBTRUSIVE AND UNOBTRUSIVE AT THE SAME TIME. 466 00:24:37,909 --> 00:24:40,712 THE BEST, THE BEST. 467 00:24:40,779 --> 00:24:42,314 "MIKEY!" AND, YOU KNOW, THEY'LL QUOTE A 468 00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:46,318 LINE OR "LOVE YOU!" AND THEN THEY JUST GO ON WITH 469 00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:47,385 THUR LIVES. 470 00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:49,020 THEY DON'T CARE -- >> Stephen: THEY'VE GOT THINGS 471 00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:50,288 TO DO, THINGS TO DO. 472 00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:52,023 >> PLACES TO GO AND THINGS TO DO. 473 00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:53,792 IT'S THE GREATEST. 474 00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:56,461 IT'S, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?" AND THAT'S IT. 475 00:24:56,528 --> 00:25:02,100 SO, SO, I DON'T KNOW HOW-- I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW PEOPLE SEE, 476 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,603 RECOGNIZE ME, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE-- AND WHEN YOU LIVE IN A 477 00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:07,606 PLACE, A WARM CLIMATE LIKE LOS ANGELES MOST OF THE TIME, OR 478 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:10,141 OTHER PLACES, YOU DON'T NEED A LOT OF STUFF. 479 00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:13,245 BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN A COLDER CITY-- CHICAGO, NEW YORK, 480 00:25:13,311 --> 00:25:14,312 WHATEVER-- YOU HAVE A PHONE. 481 00:25:14,379 --> 00:25:15,480 YOU HAVE A MASK. 482 00:25:15,547 --> 00:25:16,381 YOU HAVE STUFF. 483 00:25:16,448 --> 00:25:20,652 AND YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTING ON SUBWAYS AND -- 484 00:25:20,719 --> 00:25:24,723 >> Stephen: IN L.A. YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR. 485 00:25:24,789 --> 00:25:30,061 >> YOU HAVE FLIP-FLOPS AND THEY THEREFORE-- AND I'M GUILTY OF 486 00:25:30,128 --> 00:25:33,398 THIS-- MORE THINGS TO LOSE OR FORGET. 487 00:25:33,465 --> 00:25:34,199 >> Stephen: IN NEW YORK. 488 00:25:34,266 --> 00:25:36,801 >> YES, OR CHICAGO OR WHATEVER. 489 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:39,838 I FINALLY REALIZED A LOT OF PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME NOW WHEN 490 00:25:39,905 --> 00:25:44,943 THEY SEE ME BY THIS. 491 00:25:45,010 --> 00:25:45,577 ( BLEEP ). 492 00:25:45,644 --> 00:25:47,612 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH. 493 00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:50,081 IT'S BECOME THAT BAD THAT GUYS WILL YELL, "AGAIN?" 494 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:52,751 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND, WE'LL 495 00:25:52,817 --> 00:25:55,153 BE BACK WITH MORE MICHAEL KEATON. 496 00:26:05,597 --> 00:26:12,737 WE'RE BACK WITH THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE ONLY, THE MICHAEL 497 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,073 KEATON. 498 00:26:15,140 --> 00:26:18,877 JON AND I WERE TALKING BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE, AND, 499 00:26:18,944 --> 00:26:21,279 OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE HAD AN AMAZING AND STORIED CAREER. 500 00:26:21,346 --> 00:26:24,482 HE REMEMBERS YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE HIS BATMAN. 501 00:26:24,549 --> 00:26:27,052 >> YEAH, YEAH, AND YOURS, I THINK. 502 00:26:27,118 --> 00:26:28,053 >> Stephen: WHAT? 503 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:28,920 >> AND YOURS. 504 00:26:28,987 --> 00:26:29,454 ( APPLAUSE ) #-R. 505 00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:30,388 >> YEAH. 506 00:26:30,455 --> 00:26:31,690 >> Stephen: OH, YOU THINK? 507 00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:32,223 >> YEAH. 508 00:26:32,290 --> 00:26:33,224 >> Stephen: YOU THINK? 509 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:33,792 COME ON. 510 00:26:33,858 --> 00:26:34,292 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 511 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:35,160 >> YEAH. 512 00:26:35,226 --> 00:26:36,628 >> Stephen: IT'S STILL THE GOLD STANDARD. 513 00:26:36,695 --> 00:26:37,429 >> YEAH. 514 00:26:37,495 --> 00:26:38,897 >> Stephen: STILL THE GOLD STANDARD. 515 00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:40,131 >> YEAH. 516 00:26:40,198 --> 00:26:43,902 EXCEPT IF YOU'VE-- I'LL TELL YOU A GREAT VERSION, AND THAT IS-- 517 00:26:43,969 --> 00:26:52,677 IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT OR HEARD IT, WILL ARNETT'S LOGO BATMAN IS 518 00:26:52,744 --> 00:26:53,845 REALLY GOOD REALLY FUNNY. 519 00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:56,881 >> Stephen: WORD IS YOU ARE GOING TO REPRIZE YOUR ROLE AS 520 00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:57,916 BATMAN. 521 00:26:57,983 --> 00:26:59,150 DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIT INTO THE ORIGINAL SUIT. 522 00:26:59,217 --> 00:26:59,918 >> I DID. 523 00:26:59,985 --> 00:27:02,420 >> Stephen: YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT? 524 00:27:02,487 --> 00:27:03,488 DID THEY HAVE TO LET IT OUT? 525 00:27:03,555 --> 00:27:04,155 >> NO. 526 00:27:04,222 --> 00:27:07,058 >> Stephen: IT'S 30 YEARS AGO. 527 00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:10,295 >> SVELTE AS EVER, MAN. 528 00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:15,934 >> Stephen: WAS IT THE SAME-- >> SAME DIMENSION SAME FITTING. 529 00:27:16,001 --> 00:27:18,670 >> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL TO BE-- 530 00:27:18,737 --> 00:27:19,904 >> HORRIBLE? 531 00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,172 NO, IT WAS GREAT, IT WAS GREAT. 532 00:27:21,239 --> 00:27:25,243 I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE, 77 BATMANS. 533 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,611 >> Stephen: SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 534 00:27:26,678 --> 00:27:28,213 >> THEY PROBABLY SHOULD FORM THEIR OWN UNION. 535 00:27:28,279 --> 00:27:31,583 >> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS-- IS THERE-- THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY, 536 00:27:31,649 --> 00:27:33,284 IS THERE LIKE A BATMAN CLUB? 537 00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:38,023 DO YOU GUYS HANG OUT SOMEPLACE. 538 00:27:38,089 --> 00:27:38,590 PATTON. 539 00:27:38,656 --> 00:27:41,026 >> THERE'S ONE I FORGOT. 540 00:27:41,092 --> 00:27:41,860 HE'S GOOD. 541 00:27:41,926 --> 00:27:42,761 >> Stephen: HE'S NEXT. 542 00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,698 DO YOU HANG OUT WITH ANY OF THEM, CLOONEY? 543 00:27:46,765 --> 00:27:48,466 >> NOT UNTIL THE UNION FORMS. 544 00:27:48,533 --> 00:27:51,403 >> Stephen: THE YOUNG PEOPLE DOWN THERE MAY NOT KNOW, MY 545 00:27:51,469 --> 00:27:54,706 IMAGE OF MICHAEL KEATON BEFORE THIS, IS YOU'RE THIS PARTICULAR 546 00:27:54,773 --> 00:27:56,074 DYNAMIC, FRENETIC COMEDIC ACTOR. 547 00:27:56,141 --> 00:27:57,242 >> YLS. 548 00:27:57,308 --> 00:28:00,045 >> Stephen: AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO WAS YOUR-- WHO ARE YOUR 549 00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:01,212 COMEDIC HEROS? 550 00:28:01,279 --> 00:28:02,680 WHO ARE THE PEOPLE YOU WERE WATCHING AND YOU WANTED TO BE? 551 00:28:02,747 --> 00:28:06,718 >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THAT'S, LIKE, THAT'S TOO TOUGH. 552 00:28:06,785 --> 00:28:11,089 THAT'S TOO-- YOU, YOU-- I ALWAYS GO IN WHAT CATEGORY? 553 00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:13,091 THERE'S NO ONE WHO IS NOT GREAT. 554 00:28:13,158 --> 00:28:14,459 >> Stephen: COMEDIC ACTOR. 555 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,928 >> LIKE "YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN," EVERYBODY IS UNBELIEVABLE. 556 00:28:16,995 --> 00:28:22,967 IF YOU LOOK FOR ORIGINALITY, ANDY KAUFMAN. 557 00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:25,303 I WAS A HUGE ALBERT BROOKS FAN. 558 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:30,475 MAYBE THE BEST COMEDY SHOW, STAND-UP SHOW I EVER SAW WAS IN 559 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,446 THE LATE 70s IN L.A. WAS STEVE MARTIN, WHICH WAS JUST 560 00:28:34,512 --> 00:28:35,847 UNBELIEVABLE. 561 00:28:35,914 --> 00:28:37,982 ( APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU SOME-- I'M GOING 562 00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:43,688 TO TELL YOU WHO IS REALLY FUNNY, REALLY FUNNY-- LIKE, LIKE, STOP 563 00:28:43,755 --> 00:28:44,255 FUNNY. 564 00:28:44,322 --> 00:28:44,722 YOU'RE KILLING ME. 565 00:28:44,789 --> 00:28:45,824 MIKE PENCE. 566 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:47,926 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DRY, THOUGH. 567 00:28:47,992 --> 00:28:50,361 >> NO, I'M TELLING YOU. 568 00:28:50,428 --> 00:28:52,430 >> Stephen: DRY, BUT HE WORKS BLUE. 569 00:28:52,497 --> 00:28:53,431 >> Stephen: REALLY? 570 00:28:53,498 --> 00:28:55,133 DOES HE? 571 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,602 >> IT'S LIKE, MIKE, HONEST TO GOD, STOP. 572 00:28:57,669 --> 00:28:59,704 BECAUSE YOUR SIDE IS HURTING. 573 00:28:59,771 --> 00:29:00,472 OH, MAN. 574 00:29:00,538 --> 00:29:03,074 AND, BY THE WAY, DAMN GOOD DANCER. 575 00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:03,641 ( LAUGHTER ). 576 00:29:03,708 --> 00:29:04,109 >> Stephen: YES. 577 00:29:04,175 --> 00:29:04,742 >> YES. 578 00:29:04,809 --> 00:29:06,177 >> Stephen: ALSO-- >> YEAH. 579 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,780 >> Stephen: COOL TO KIND OF BE WITH. 580 00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:09,547 HE'S A GREAT HANG. 581 00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:11,749 >> TOTAL HANG. 582 00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:14,552 HIM-- AS A MATTER OF FACT-- BY THE WAY, NOT A BAD RAPPER. 583 00:29:14,619 --> 00:29:18,423 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YEAH, REALLY, MIKE 584 00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:18,790 PENCE. 585 00:29:18,857 --> 00:29:19,657 HE HAS BARS. 586 00:29:19,724 --> 00:29:20,625 >> YEAH. 587 00:29:20,692 --> 00:29:24,496 NOT LIKE TUCKER CARLSON OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 588 00:29:24,562 --> 00:29:27,298 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THESE GUYS-- YOU KNOW HOW 589 00:29:27,365 --> 00:29:32,103 GUYS FOLLOW THE DEAD, THE DEAD-HEADS. 590 00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:39,144 THESE GUYS LOVE WU TAN CLAN. 591 00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:41,146 >> Stephen: WOW, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. 592 00:29:41,212 --> 00:29:45,083 >> I WAS OVER THERE ONE NIGHT, AND THE GUYS WERE HANGING OUT, 593 00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:45,750 RUDY. 594 00:29:45,817 --> 00:29:47,218 AND THEY WERE HAVING FUN. 595 00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:52,190 WHAT'S ODD IS MIKE DOESN'T DRINK WHICH MAKES IT MORE UNSETTLING 596 00:29:52,257 --> 00:29:53,591 THAT HE ACTS LIKE THIS. 597 00:29:53,658 --> 00:29:56,728 HE WAS, LIKE, TWERKING. 598 00:29:56,794 --> 00:29:58,763 >> Stephen: "BABY GOT BACK. 599 00:29:58,830 --> 00:30:00,832 I KNOW THAT ABOUT MIKE PENCE. 600 00:30:00,899 --> 00:30:04,302 >> HE HAS A HUGE TATTOO. 601 00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:10,041 IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, SAYS, "COME AND GET IT, BITCH, "SOMETHING. 602 00:30:10,108 --> 00:30:11,409 >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE. 603 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,711 LIKE A MEDALLION RIGHT ON HIS OLD-- 604 00:30:13,778 --> 00:30:16,080 >> ACROSS THE BACK. 605 00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:19,751 AND TO BE FAIR, I THINK IT SAID, "COME AND GET SOME OF THIS," 606 00:30:19,817 --> 00:30:20,652 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 607 00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:21,853 AND THEY ALL FOLLOW-- BUT FEN FUNNY, MAN. 608 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:24,522 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK BUT DON'T GO AWAY. 609 00:30:24,589 --> 00:30:26,824 WE'RE GOING TO BE BACK WITH MORE MICHAEL KEATON. 610 00:30:26,891 --> 00:30:27,926 THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. 611 00:30:48,246 --> 00:30:49,881 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYTHING, WE'RE RIGHT HERE. 612 00:30:49,948 --> 00:30:51,282 WE'RE HAVING A GREAT CONVERSATION. 613 00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:54,319 I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY. 614 00:30:54,385 --> 00:30:55,420 WELCOME BACK. 615 00:30:55,486 --> 00:30:57,722 WE'RE HERE WITH AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, MICHAEL KEATON. 616 00:30:57,789 --> 00:31:01,960 THE NEW PROJECT, CALLED "DOPESICK," WHICH YOU-- YOU STAR 617 00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:02,660 IN. 618 00:31:02,727 --> 00:31:03,228 YOU'RE ALSO EXECUTIVE PRODUCING. 619 00:31:03,294 --> 00:31:03,928 >> YES. 620 00:31:03,995 --> 00:31:05,129 >> Stephen: AND IT'S ON HULU. 621 00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:06,297 >> YES. 622 00:31:06,364 --> 00:31:09,167 >> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT THE OPIOID CRISIS AND HOW IT AFFECTS 623 00:31:09,234 --> 00:31:11,769 THIS ONE TOWN AND YOU PLAY A DOCTOR WITHIN THE TOWN. 624 00:31:11,836 --> 00:31:15,240 >> WELL, IT'S NOT JUST THE TOWN, IT'S THE REGIONS. 625 00:31:15,306 --> 00:31:18,776 IT'S THE COUNTRY. 626 00:31:18,843 --> 00:31:19,978 IT'S EVERYTHING. 627 00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:25,283 AND, YEAH, IT'S BASED ON THIS BOOK "DOPESICK," BY BETH MACY. 628 00:31:25,350 --> 00:31:28,219 A GREAT BOOK, AND A LITTLE DEPRESSING. 629 00:31:28,286 --> 00:31:32,223 BUT EYE-OPENING, TO SAY THE LEAST. 630 00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:35,627 AND THERE WAS-- IT'S A LIMITED SERIES, EIGHT EPISODES. 631 00:31:35,693 --> 00:31:43,301 AND IT'S ALSO ABOUT HOW PURDUE PHARMA AND THE SACKLER FAMILY 632 00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:45,136 WHO-- SO, YEAH, IT'S REALLY GOOD. 633 00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:49,641 I GOTTA SAY, BARRY LEVINSON DIRECTED THE FIRST TWO EPISODES. 634 00:31:49,707 --> 00:31:53,311 AND I HAD NEVER WORKED WITH HIM, BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM A LOT. 635 00:31:53,378 --> 00:31:56,381 AND WE TALKED ABOUT DOING STUFF TOGETHER. 636 00:31:56,447 --> 00:31:58,082 IT'S-- IT'S TOUGH, YOU KNOW. 637 00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:00,218 IT'S BRUTAL. 638 00:32:00,285 --> 00:32:01,919 AND, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY HAS A CONNECTION WITH 639 00:32:01,986 --> 00:32:03,421 IT NOW, BY NOW. 640 00:32:03,488 --> 00:32:04,956 YOU KNOW SOMEBODY -- >> Stephen: PRETTY MUCH 641 00:32:05,023 --> 00:32:08,760 EVERYBODY IN THE UNITED STATES KNOWS SOMEBODY OR KNOWS SOMEBODY 642 00:32:08,826 --> 00:32:09,827 WHO KNOWS SOMEBODY. 643 00:32:09,894 --> 00:32:12,764 >> IT'S ON HULU, IT'S GOOD, IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD. 644 00:32:12,830 --> 00:32:15,833 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP WHERE YOU'RE GIVING TESTIMONY. 645 00:32:15,900 --> 00:32:16,868 CAN YOU TELL US WHAT IT IS? 646 00:32:16,934 --> 00:32:22,106 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT CLIP IT IS. 647 00:32:22,173 --> 00:32:24,309 >> DR. FINNIX. 648 00:32:24,375 --> 00:32:26,010 >> OXYCONTINENTIN. 649 00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:29,981 >> SO JUST TO BE CLEAR YOU'RE BLAME NUMEROUS DEATHS IN YOUR 650 00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:31,316 TOWN ON ONE MEDICATION? 651 00:32:31,382 --> 00:32:33,718 >> YES, I AM. 652 00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:40,725 >> AND ARE YOU THE INDIVIDUAL THAT PRESCRIBED THIS MEDICATION? 653 00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:49,767 >> YES, SIR. 654 00:32:49,834 --> 00:32:52,470 I DID. 655 00:32:52,537 --> 00:32:55,606 >> Stephen: YEAH. 656 00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:57,342 ( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT'S GOING ON THERE? 657 00:32:57,408 --> 00:33:03,815 WHAT'S-- SO, A LOT OF LAUGHS, OBVIOUSLY. 658 00:33:03,881 --> 00:33:04,382 >> Stephen: YES, YES, YES. 659 00:33:04,449 --> 00:33:05,483 >> NO, IT'S REALLY GOOD. 660 00:33:05,550 --> 00:33:07,185 I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY ABOUT IT. 661 00:33:07,251 --> 00:33:10,021 >> Stephen: DID PURDUE KNOW IT WAS ADDICTIVE? 662 00:33:10,088 --> 00:33:14,792 >> WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S CURRENTLY A LAWSUITS GOING ON 663 00:33:14,859 --> 00:33:19,030 RIGHT NOW THAT-- AND IT'S IN FLUX FOR A MINUTE, AND I CAN'T 664 00:33:19,097 --> 00:33:20,098 QUITE GET INTO THAT. 665 00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:22,934 BUT IF YOU ASK ME, OF COURSE THEY DID. 666 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,836 YEAH, THEY DID -- >> Stephen: BUT THEY TOLD 667 00:33:24,902 --> 00:33:25,970 DOCTORS IT WASN'T, RIGHT? 668 00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:29,707 >> YES, THEY BASICALLY SOLD IT BY SAYING IT'S NOT-- 669 00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:32,343 TECHNICALLY, THEY PROBABLY WORDED THINGS IN A WAY WHERE YOU 670 00:33:32,410 --> 00:33:35,380 COULD SAY, "WELL, THEY REALLY SAY THIS. 671 00:33:35,446 --> 00:33:37,315 THEY DIDN'T REALLY SAY THAT." 672 00:33:37,382 --> 00:33:39,984 BUT, YES, THEY KNEW, AND THAT WAS THE IDEA. 673 00:33:40,051 --> 00:33:43,888 THEY SAW-- THEY SAW-- THEY KNEW IT COULD BE A GOLD MINE. 674 00:33:43,955 --> 00:33:47,258 THEY WERE ALREADY, YOU KNOW, BILLIONAIRES, BUT THEY KNEW THIS 675 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:48,159 WAS A GOLD MINE. 676 00:33:48,226 --> 00:33:50,061 THIS WAS A GAME CHANGER FOR THEM. 677 00:33:50,128 --> 00:33:51,696 >> Stephen: AND EVEN THOUGH THERE HAVE BEEN JUDGMENTS 678 00:33:51,763 --> 00:33:54,399 AGAINST THEM, IT'S A DROP IN THE BUCKET OF THE MONEY THEY MADE. 679 00:33:54,465 --> 00:33:56,567 >> YES, NOTHING, NOTHING, RIGHT. 680 00:33:56,634 --> 00:33:57,702 CORRECT. 681 00:33:57,769 --> 00:34:04,175 AND SO, AND NOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN-- DON'T HOLD ME TO 682 00:34:04,242 --> 00:34:08,112 THIS-- BUT-- DON'T ALSO HOLD ME TO THE TATTOO ON MIKE PENCE'S 683 00:34:08,179 --> 00:34:09,147 BACK. 684 00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:13,184 ( LAUGHTER ) NO, I'M PRETTY SURE-- ANYWAY, 685 00:34:13,251 --> 00:34:19,090 YOU-- THEY-- THE VERDICT WAS WE'LL SETTLE IF WE ARE IMMUNE 686 00:34:19,157 --> 00:34:22,660 FROM ANY OTHER LAWSUITS IN THIS AREA, AND IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS 687 00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:23,828 GOING TO HAPPEN. 688 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:26,764 AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, I'M NOT SURE, I THINK IT GOT TO A 689 00:34:26,831 --> 00:34:29,300 CERTAIN LEVEL, AND A JUDGE SAID, MAYBE NOT. 690 00:34:29,367 --> 00:34:32,170 WAIT A MINUTE, THAT MIGHT NOT BE TRUE. 691 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:33,738 >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE TOO SWEET OF A DEAL. 692 00:34:33,805 --> 00:34:37,575 >> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE TOO SWEET OF A DEAL. 693 00:34:37,642 --> 00:34:38,976 NONETHELESS, THE DAMAGE DONE WON'T BE MUCH. 694 00:34:39,043 --> 00:34:40,545 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 695 00:34:40,611 --> 00:34:42,947 >> Stephen: COMPARED TO THE DAMAGE THEY DID WITH THEIR 696 00:34:43,014 --> 00:34:43,648 DRUGS. 697 00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:44,882 >> AND IT'S EXPONENTIAL. 698 00:34:44,949 --> 00:34:47,552 THAT KIND OF STUFF-- I HAVE A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP TO IT. 699 00:34:47,618 --> 00:34:50,388 YOU PROBABLY KNOW SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS 700 00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:51,522 SOMEBODY. 701 00:34:51,589 --> 00:34:57,061 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY OF THE OXYCONTIN-- OXY 702 00:34:57,128 --> 00:34:57,829 PRODUCTS PRESCRIBED TO YOU? 703 00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,831 >> I DON'T TAKE STUFF. 704 00:34:59,897 --> 00:35:01,599 I RIDE IT OUT. 705 00:35:01,666 --> 00:35:05,903 IF IF I HAVE AN OPERATION, I'LL TAKE A LOT OF HEAVY, HEAVY 706 00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:07,104 ADVIL. 707 00:35:07,171 --> 00:35:09,941 BUT I GET REALLY DEPRESSED, FRANKLY, IF I TAKE THOSE THINGS. 708 00:35:10,007 --> 00:35:11,108 I DON'T DO THEM. 709 00:35:11,175 --> 00:35:12,510 I CAN'T DO IT. 710 00:35:12,577 --> 00:35:15,046 BUT IT'S-- THEY HAND THEM OUT LIKE CANDY. 711 00:35:15,112 --> 00:35:20,251 BUT WE'RE SPECIFICALLY TALKING NOW ABOUT PURDUE PHARMA, 712 00:35:20,318 --> 00:35:26,724 SACKLERS, AND-- AND THIS REGION IN THIS STORY, BUT IT REALLY 713 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:29,293 REPRESENTS-- YOU KNOW, IT'S THE MICRO OF THE MACRO. 714 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,528 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 715 00:35:30,595 --> 00:35:33,698 WHEN I DID "CLEAN AND SOBER," WHAT I REALLY REALIZED IS, FIRST 716 00:35:33,764 --> 00:35:35,099 OF ALL, IT'S A DISEASE. 717 00:35:35,166 --> 00:35:39,437 YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, TO LOOK DOWN UPON PEOPLE WHO ARE ADDICTED TO 718 00:35:39,504 --> 00:35:40,805 ANYTHING, IT'S A DISEASE. 719 00:35:40,872 --> 00:35:44,976 I THINK WE ALL-- HOPEFULLY WE ALL KNOW THAT BY NOW. 720 00:35:45,042 --> 00:35:49,313 BUT WHAT I LEARNED IN "CLEAN AND SOBER" WAS I JUST KIND OF GOT 721 00:35:49,380 --> 00:35:50,548 LUCKY I THINK. 722 00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:54,318 YOU KNOW, I JUST EITHER DIDN'T GET THAT GENE OR SOMEWHERE IN MY 723 00:35:54,385 --> 00:35:56,621 HEAD SOMETHING CLICKED AT THE RIGHT TIME. 724 00:35:56,687 --> 00:36:00,758 BECAUSE I WAS AROUND-- I'VE SEEN A LOT OF STUFF, YOU KNOW. 725 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,159 A LOT OF STUFF. 726 00:36:02,226 --> 00:36:06,030 AND FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU AND I GO, "OKAY, DODGED THAT ONE." 727 00:36:06,097 --> 00:36:06,731 >> Stephen: YES. 728 00:36:06,797 --> 00:36:07,965 >> BUT WE'RE FORTUNATE, REALLY. 729 00:36:08,032 --> 00:36:10,001 >> Stephen: RIGHT, THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD. 730 00:36:10,067 --> 00:36:13,471 >> THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD. 731 00:36:13,538 --> 00:36:16,007 >> SANT FRANCIS. 732 00:36:16,073 --> 00:36:17,608 >> Stephen: MICHAEL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 733 00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:25,316 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 734 00:36:25,383 --> 00:36:29,120 "DOPESICK" PREMIERES OCTOBER 13 ON HULU. 735 00:36:29,186 --> 00:36:31,322 IT'S MICHAEL KEATON, EVERYBODY! 736 00:36:31,389 --> 00:36:36,193 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY ZAC BROWN BAND. 737 00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:39,931 >> THE VERSION OF FACEBOOK THAT IS TODAY IS TEARING OUR 738 00:36:39,997 --> 00:36:43,701 SOCIETY'S APART AND CAUSING ETHNIC VIOLENCE AROUND THE 739 00:36:43,768 --> 00:36:44,502 WORLD. 740 00:36:44,569 --> 00:36:46,871 >> OH, WE SHOULD LAY OFF THESE FOLKS. 741 00:36:46,938 --> 00:36:48,105 SURE, THEY HAVE THEIR PROBLEM, BUT THEY IMPROVE THE LIVES OF SO 742 00:36:48,172 --> 00:36:50,007 MANY OF US AROUND THE GLOF. 743 00:36:50,074 --> 00:36:54,211 >> THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM A BOX THAT WAS SLOTTED WITH FACEBOOK 744 00:36:54,278 --> 00:36:55,513 INCITED MASSACRES. 745 00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:07,024 >> Stephen: PERFORMING, "OUT IN THE MIDDLE" FROM THEIR NEW 746 00:37:07,091 --> 00:37:09,694 ALBUM, "THE COMEBACK," ZAC BROWN BAND! 747 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:14,999 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 748 00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:24,241 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 749 00:37:24,308 --> 00:37:26,944 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ THERE'S AN OLD ROUTE TWO-LANE 750 00:37:27,011 --> 00:37:30,781 TAKING OUT PAST WHERE ♪ THE RADIO JUST CAN'T 751 00:37:30,848 --> 00:37:33,184 PASS A RIVERBED ♪ WITH A ROPE SWING 752 00:37:33,250 --> 00:37:36,754 AND A MAILBOX PAINTED ALL ♪ JOHN DEERE GREEN 753 00:37:36,821 --> 00:37:42,660 THE END OF A BUNCH OF ♪ GRAVEL DRIVEWAY 754 00:37:42,727 --> 00:37:46,964 OUT HERE DOING OUR OWN THING ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE THE 755 00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:50,267 HARD WORK MEETS HARD LIVING ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE 756 00:37:50,334 --> 00:37:54,505 WE'RE GROWN 'TIL WE'RE GONE, ♪ GOD WILLING 757 00:37:54,572 --> 00:37:57,208 JUST SOME GOOD OLD BOYS ♪ AND GOOD OLD GIRLS 758 00:37:57,274 --> 00:38:00,778 HUNTING RED DIRT DREAMS ♪ IN A CONCRETE WORLD 759 00:38:00,845 --> 00:38:10,821 GETTING BY ON JUST A LITTLE, ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE 760 00:38:10,888 --> 00:38:21,565 GETTING BY ON JUST A LITTLE, ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE 761 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:23,200 COME FRIDAY, WE COME UNDONE ♪ STAY, HAVE A LITTLE LIKE A 762 00:38:23,267 --> 00:38:25,536 HIGHLIGHT NEON ♪ BARELY HANGING ON LIKE 763 00:38:25,603 --> 00:38:30,775 SHELVING A POLE BAR ♪ YOU CAN HEAR HANK CLEAR 764 00:38:30,841 --> 00:38:35,012 'CROSS THE NEXT FARM ♪ CITY FOLKS SAY WE'RE CRAZY 765 00:38:35,079 --> 00:38:41,786 BUT THEY AIN'T NEVER BEEN WAY ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE THE 766 00:38:41,852 --> 00:38:46,123 HARD WORK MEETS HARD LIVING ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE 767 00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:48,759 WE'RE GROWN 'TIL WE'RE GONE, ♪ GOD WILLING 768 00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:52,129 JUST SOME GOOD OLD BOYS ♪ AND GOOD OLD GIRLS 769 00:38:52,196 --> 00:38:54,765 HUNTING RED DIRT DREAMS ♪ IN A CONCRETE WORLD 770 00:38:54,832 --> 00:39:05,643 GETTING BY ON JUST A LITTLE ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, 771 00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:09,580 THAT'S WHERE ♪ I WANNA BE 772 00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:12,783 AND THE OLD OAK SHADE ♪ BY THE FAMILY GRAVES 773 00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:22,960 WITH THE SOUTHERN GROUND ALL DAY ♪ ♪ ♪ 774 00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:26,964 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 775 00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:35,005 ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE THE HARD WORK MEETS HARD LIVING 776 00:39:35,072 --> 00:39:36,774 ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHERE WE'RE GROWN 'TIL WE'RE GONE, 777 00:39:36,841 --> 00:39:40,911 ♪ GOD WILLING JUST SOME GOOD OLD BOYS 778 00:39:40,978 --> 00:39:42,813 ♪ AND GOOD OLD GIRLS HUNTING RED DIRT DREAMS 779 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:50,955 ♪ IN A CONCRETE WORLD GETTING BY ON JUST A LITTLE, 780 00:39:51,021 --> 00:39:58,496 ♪ OUT IN THE MIDDLE ♪ 781 00:39:58,562 --> 00:39:59,730 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ZAC BROWN BAND, 782 00:39:59,797 --> 00:40:00,397 EVERYBODY! 783 00:40:00,464 --> 00:40:01,766 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 784 00:40:01,832 --> 00:40:05,269 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE BRET BAIER AND SUSIE 785 00:40:05,336 --> 00:40:05,836 ESSMAN. 786 00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:07,204 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 787 00:40:07,271 --> 00:40:08,005 GOOD NIGHT.