>> BEAM HIM UP!
ACTOR WILLIAM SHATNER IS SET TO BE ON BOARD BLUE ORIGIN'S SECOND
CIVILIAN FLIGHT NEXT MONTH.
THE 90-YEAR-OLD SHATNER, BEST KNOWN FOR HIS ROLE AT
"STAR TREK," OF COURSE, WILL BECOME THE OLDEST PERSON TO
ACTUALLY GO TO SPACE.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> CAPTAIN.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF -- AM I -- SEEING THINGS?
( OMINOUS MUSIC ) >> WHAT IS IT, MR. SPOCK?
IS IT A -- PENIS?
( CRASHING SOUNDS ) >> IT'S HOLDING US IN ITS
STREAM!
>> WE'RE DEAD STILL, CAPTAIN.
HELM DOESN'T ANSWER.
WE CAN'T MOVE.
>> MR. SALOME, TRY ROCKING THE SHIP.
FULL IMPULSE POWER, FORWARD AND BACK.
>> AYE-AYE, SIR.
CAPTAIN, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO ROCK A SHIP SHAPED LIKE
A PENIS FORWARD AND BACK?
>> CAPTAIN, THE MOST CURIOUS DEVELOPMENT ON SCANNER 5-7.
>> LET'S ALL TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR. SPOCK.
>> CAPTAIN, IT'S A GIANT TESTICLE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES JULIANNA MARGULIES!
AND MUSICAL GUEST TOBY KEITH.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
VERY NICE!
HEY!
HELLO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PLEASE!
HAVE A SEAT!
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- I COME TO YOU ON A STRANGE AND UNSETTLING DAY IN AMERICA
BECAUSE TODAY, MONDAY, OCTOBER 4TH, IS NATIONAL TACO DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT.
NATIONAL TACO DAY ON A "MONDAY."
( LAUGHTER ) A VIOLATION OF THE CHERISHED
AMERICAN INSTITUTION OF TACO TUESDAYS.
WHAT'S NEXT?
SUPERBOWL WEDNESDAY?
THROWBACK SUNDAY?
HOLDING TOYOTATHON DURING THE SACRED HIGH HONDA-DAYS?
( LAUGHTER ) AS IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH,
TACOS HAVE TO SHARE THEIR SPECIAL DAY WITH ANOTHER
IMPORTANT MADE-UP OCCASION: "NATIONAL CINNAMON ROLL DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
BOTH -- BOTH -- BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE FROM A FAMILY
WHERE MOM'S SIDE OBSERVES TACO DAY, BUT YOUR DAD'S SIDE
CELEBRATES CINNAMON ROLLS?
YOU END UP EATING A BIG BEEF AND CINNA-CHEESY
ROLL-DITA.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TACO BELL, CALL ME.
>> Jon: THAT'LL SING YOU SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: 2:00 IN THE MORNING, YOU BET.
SCATTERED APPRECIATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE PLACE YOU COULDN'T SHARE
YOUR FAVORITE NATIONAL TACO DAY MEMORIES TODAY WAS FACEBOOK,
BECAUSE THEY, ALONG WITH WHATSAPP AND INSTAGRAM
SUFFERED OUTAGES THIS AFTERNOON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, I KNOW, ONE IMAGINES
THAT'S SAD.
SO IF YOU WANTED TO SHARE PHOTOS, YOU HAD TO GO
DOOR-TO-DOOR WITH POLAROIDS OF YOUR BRUNCH.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS
, HOW MANY PEOPLE COULDN'T GET ON?
( CHEERING ) I HEAR BAD THINGS.
THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS MORNING AT 11:45, KEPT GOING ALL
AFTERNOON, AND EVENTUALLY REGISTERED AS ONE OF THE LONGEST
OUTAGES IN THE HISTORY OF FACEBOOK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A
SECOND!
YOU'RE ALL HAPPY IT WENT DOWN BUT MOMENTS AGO YOU ALL TRIED TO
GET ON TODAY!
( LAUGHTER ) SEEK HELP!
FOR HOURS, USERS WERE LEFT IN SUSPENSE ABOUT WHETHER THEIR
SECOND COUSIN THINKS THE VACCINE GIVES YOUR PANCREAS
WIFI.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SO BAD THAT THE ONLY WAY
FACEBOOK COULD LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS BY
POSTING A MESSAGE ON TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) OW!
>> Jon: OW!
THAT HURTS!
>> Stephen: THAT MUST HURT!
FACEBOOK IS COMMUNICATING THEIR PROBLEMS ON TWITTER?
THAT'S LIKE BURGER KING RUNNING OUT OF FRIES AND ANNOUNCING IT
ON A BIG MAC.
( LAUGHTER ) TWITTER TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO
GREET BILLIONS OF DISPLACED FACEBOOK USERS BY
POSTING: "HELLO LITERALLY EVERYONE."
( APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR THEM!
GRAB THAT BRASS RING!
>> YEAH, YOU GOT TO GO GET IT!
COME ON, ON IT!
THEY HAD TO INITIATE NEW USERS BY EXPLAINING
"IT'S ALL THE HATEFUL ARGUING WITHOUT ANY PICTURES OF YOUR
NEPHEW'S PIANO RECITAL!
ENJOY!" AS PANIC GREW, FACEBOOK DID NOT
SAY WHAT MIGHT BE CAUSING THE OUTAGE.
NOW, I'M NO COMPUTER EXPERT, BUT MY THEORY IS..
A JUST GOD?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
AGAIN, I HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I GOTTA CHECK IT OUT.
AS FOR THE ATTITUDE INSIDE THE COMPANY.
ADAM MOSSERI, THE HEAD OF INSTAGRAM
TWEETED THAT IT FEELS LIKE A "SNOW DAY."
I ASSUME HE MEANS WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO HAS
PLUMMETED BY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, SO YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN
YOUR OFFICE AND BINGE COCAINE ALL DAY.
( APPLAUSE ) HOW BAD WAS THIS?
FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES TRIED TO REBOOT THE SYSTEM, BUT
COULDN'T GET IN THE BUILDING BECAUSE THEIR BADGES
WEREN'T WORKING FOR ACCESS DOORS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYTHING'S DOWN!
NOW, CLEARLY, THIS IS THE DAY THE MACHINES HAVE RISEN UP AND
ARE TAKING OVER, BUT DON'T PANIC.
THEY ONLY KNOW OUR THOUGHTS FEELINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS,
LOCATION, FACIAL PATTERNS, AND BANKING DATA.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A RUN
OF BAD P.R. FOR FACEBOOK THE WALL STREET JOURNAL RECENTLY
PUBLISHED LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOWING THAT THE COMPANY KNOWS
THAT INSTAGRAM IS TOXIC FOR TEEN GIRLS.
THOUGH YOU CAN ALSO CHECK INSTA FOR WAYS TO FLUSH OUT THOSE
TOXINS WITH AN AMAZING MATCHA TEA THAT GIVES YOU A
BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ON SUNDAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER WHO LEAKED THOSE DOCUMENTS CAME
FORWARD ON EVERY TEEN GIRL'S FAVORITE LONG-FORM INVESTIGATORY
NEWS PROGRAM, 60 MINUTES --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE WHISTLEBLOWER IS FORMER FACEBOOK PRODUCT MANAGER
AND SUPERGIRL AT ANN TAYLOR LOFT, FRANCES HAUGEN.
HAUGEN'S BIGGEST BOMBSHELL WAS THAT FACEBOOK 'CHOOSES PROFITS
OVER SAFETY.' WAIT A MINUTE!
( LAUGHTER ) DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY?
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A CORPORATION
CHOSE MONEY OVER THE SAFETY OF CONSUMERS?
THIS IS SO DISTURBING, I NEED TO CALM DOWN WITH AN ICE-COLD FOUR
LOKO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
MM, MM, MM MM, MM, MM.
TASTES LIKE STEALING A LUGGAGE CART FROM A HOTEL AND RIDING IT
NAKED DOWN A HILL INTO HIGHWAY TRAFFIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I'M GETTING NOTES OF DEEP REGRET.
( LAUGHTER ) HAUGEN EXPLAINED THAT FACEBOOK
AND INSTAGRAM USE YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM AS BAIT.
>> FACEBOOK'S OWN RESEARCH SAYS AS THESE YOUNG
WOMEN BEGIN TO CONSUME THIS EATING DISORDER CONTENT THEY GET
MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED, AND IT ACTUALLY MAKES THEM USE THE APP
MORE.
>> STEPHEN: EVERYONE KNOWS MAKING YOU FEEL BAD IS A
GREAT BUSINESS MODEL!
THAT'S WHY OREOS INTRODUCED THEIR NEW FLAVOR:
DOUBLE-STUF SHAME!
NO ONE LOVES YOU, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CAN GO WITH THAT.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: BIG CINA-CHEESY.
BUT THE FACEBOOK MONSTER DOESN'T JUST FEED ON YOUR SADNESS, IT
ALSO FEASTS ON YOUR RAGE.
>> ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOW FACEBOOK IS PICKING OUT THAT
CONTENT TODAY, IS IT IS OPTIMIZING FOR CONTENT THAT
GETS ENGAGEMENT, IT IS EASIER TO INSPIRE PEOPLE TO ANGER THAN IT
IS TO OTHER EMOTIONS.
>> Stephen: WELL, IF THE Facebook ALGORITHM
LIKES THINGS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY, IT'S GONNA LOVE
THIS NEWS ABOUT THE FACEBOOK ALGORITHM.
HAUGEN WORKED FOR FACEBOOK'S CIVIC INTEGRITY TEAM, AND SHE
KNEW SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG RIGHT AFTER THE 2020 ELECTION.
>> THEY TOLD US WE'RE DISSOLVING CIVIC INTEGRITY.
LIKE THEY BASICALLY SAID OH GOOD, WE MADE IT THROUGH THE
ELECTION, THERE WASN'T RIOTS, WE CAN GET RID OF CIVIC INTEGRITY
NOW.
FAST FORWARD A COUPLE OF MONTHS WE GOT THE INSURRECTION.
>> STEPHEN: YIKES.
THAT'S LIKE A DAD SAYING (AS DAD)
"OK, WE'RE OFF THE HIGHWAY.
EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR SEATBELTS OFF.
I DON'T THINK MANY CAR ACCIDENTS OCCUR CLOSE TO HOME.
DAD'S GONNA CRACK OPEN A FROSTY COLD 4 LOKO.
WOO!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR LOCO?
I FEEL BETTER.
( LAUGHTER ) FACEBOOK WAS CLEARLY RATTLED,
BECAUSE THEY SENT OUT AN EXECUTIVE TO DO SOME DAMAGE
CONTROL BEFORE THE INTERVIEW EVEN AIRED.
>> OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN EVERYTHING RIGHT.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION IN SOCIAL MEDIA AS
MUCH AS IN ANY OTHER WALK OF LIFE.
>> Stephen: OH REALLY?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA?
HAVE YOU SEEN CHRISTIANO RONALDO'S INSTAGRAM?
BANG!
WE WERE GONNA SHOW YOU MORE, BUT WE CAN'T, BECAUSE INSTAGRAM IS
DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WE GONNA GET THERE ONE DAY.
I'M COMING FOR YEAH.
>> THIS Facebook STORY WAS ORIGINALLY BROKEN BY THE WALL
STREET JOURNAL, INCLUDING TECHNOLOGY REPORTER JEFF
HORWITZ, WHO WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS TO TALK ABOUT THE
SCOOP.
BUT HE ENDED UP GETTING PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
>> SO, JOINING ME FOR MORE ON ALL OF THIS IS JEFF HOROWITZ,
ONE OF THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" REPORTERS WHO'S BEEN REPORTING
ON FACEBOOK UNDER THEIR UMBRELLA, 'FACEBOOK
FILES.' >> STEPHEN: HOLY HEADBAND!
WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?
IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WALTER CRONKITE COVERED NIXON'S
RESIGNATION WEARING SHUTTER SHADES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT WAS LIKE BE BJORN BORG.
HORWITZ TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEFEND HIS CHOICE OF HEADGEAR,
SAYING: THE HEADBAND HAS BEEN A PRETTY
CONSTANT THING FOR ME THROUGHOUT A VERY LONG AND WEIRD COVID-TIME
REPORTING PROJECT.
I GET IT.
I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF COVID REPORTING
IS LOSS OF TASTE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
SINCERELY, THANK YOU.
HAPPY MONDAY.
SPEAKING OF WHISTLEBLOWERS, LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A MASSIVE REPORT
ABOUT TAX HAVENS DROPPED BY THE INTERNATIONAL CONSORTIUM OF
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS, DOCUMENTING THAT HUNDREDS OF
WORLD LEADERS, POWERFUL POLITICIANS, BILLIONAIRES,
CELEBRITIES, RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND DRUG DEALERS HAVE
BEEN HIDING THEIR INVESTMENTS IN MANSIONS, EXCLUSIVE BEACHFRONT
PROPERTY, YACHTS, AND OTHER ASSETS FOR THE PAST
QUARTER-CENTURY.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "RICH PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST NOT LIKE US."
US PAY TAXES.
>> "UH-OH! TO THE CAYMANS!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: THE LEAK IS THE
FOLLOW UP TO THE 2016 PANAMA PAPERS AND IS BEING CALLED
THE PANDORA PAPERS.
AND THEY SHOW HOW THE SUPER RICH USE SHELL COMPANIES TO HOLD
LUXURY ITEMS SUCH AS PROPERTY AND YACHTS, AND EVEN PAINTINGS
BY PICASSO AND MURALS BY BANKSY.
HAVE THEY SEEN BANKSY'S WORK?
THE GUY'S NOT BIG ON CAPITALISM.
THERE'S A REASON THE DOCUMENTARY WAS CALLED "EXIT
THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP" AND NOT "I JUST BOUGHT THE GIFT SHOP AS
A FRONT TO HIDE THE PROFITS FROM MY DRUG SMUGGLING."
( APPLAUSE ) THE PEOPLE NAMED -- DRUG
SMUGGLING!
DRUG -- ENTREPRENEURS!
ENTREPRENEURS.
THE PEOPLE NAMED IN THE LEAK ARE FROM ACROSS THE ECONOMIC
SPECTRUM: FROM THE IMPOSSIBLY WEALTHY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE
RIDICULOUSLY RICH.
FIRST UP: JORDANIAN RULER AND THAT WOMAN'S
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY, KING ABDULLAH II.
ACCORDING TO THE LEAKS, WHILE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN AMERICAN
AID POURED INTO JORDAN OVER THE PAST DECADE, A SECRET STREAM OF
MONEY WAS FLOWING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS KING
ABDULLAH II, SPENT MILLIONS ON EXTRAVAGANT HOMES IN THE UNITED
STATES.
SEE, KIDS: TAKE RISKS, WORK HARD, PAY YOUR TAXES, AND ONE
DAY YOU CAN REALIZE THE AMERICAN DREAM OF BUYING A
HOME...FOR THE KING OF JORDAN.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT ALSO INCLUDES
CELEBRITIES LIKE CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, MONICA BELLUCCI, AND
EVEN SHAKIRA.
TURNS OUT HER HIPS DON'T LIE, BUT HER ACCOUNTANT DOES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE LEAKS GO ON TO NAME SEVERAL PROMINENT FIGURES IN GLOBAL
POLITICS LIKE PRESIDENT OF KENYA, UHURU
KENYATTA, CZECH PRIME MINISTER ANDREJ BABIS, PRIME MINISTER OF
LEBANON, NAJIB MIKATI, AND CANADIAN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER
ELVIS STOJKO.
ELVIS STOJKO?
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DOES HE HAVE THIS KIND OF
MONEY?
ELVIS STOJKO AND I HAVE THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF OLYMPIC
GOLD MEDALS, AND YET I DO NOT HAVE STOJKO MONEY.
( APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA GET A NEW ACCOUNTANT.
AND SOME SKATES.
AND SOME SEQUINS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST FAR FLUNG
LOCATIONS LIKE THE CAYMAN ISLANDS AND PANAMA,
ACCORDING TO THE LEAK, THE STATE OF SOUTH
DAKOTA IS SHELTERING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN WEALTH.
THAT'S RIGHT, SOUTH DAKOTA IS THE NEW CAYMAN ISLANDS!
IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE MONEY, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO
GO TO THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
MA'AM -- ( APPLAUSE )
-- WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE DOCUMENTS?
SOUTH DAKOTA?
YOU CAN GO.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE'S A FREEBIE.
IF THERE WERE ONLY A WAY TO GET OUR HANDS ON ALL THOSE HIDDEN
FUNDS.
HAVE THEY TRIED THIS?
(SLOT MACHINE WINNING BELLS) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JULIANNA MARGULIES.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR DOG GETTING HIGH?
THE ANSWER MIGHT MAKE YOU PARANOID.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" HERE FROM BEAUTIFUL MIDTOWN
MANHATTAN.
GREAT TO SEE YA.
THERE'S GOOD NEWS IN THE PANDEMIC BECAUSE COVID-19 IS
ONCE AGAIN IN RETREAT.
WOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COVID-IS-OVER!
IS SOMETHING I'VE SAID FOUR TIMES BEFORE!
I WILL NOT GET MY HOPES UP!
AS SCIENTISTS HAD PREDICTED THE NUMBER OF NEW DAILY CASES IN
THE U.S. HAS FALLEN 35% SINCE SEPTEMBER 1.
TURNS OUT, THE CURE FOR COVID ISN'T HORSE PASTE, IT'S
PUMPKIN SPICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT DESPITE THIS DROP IN CASES, THE C.D.C. IS NOT RELAXING THEIR
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR HALLOWEEN AND THANKSGIVING.
EVEN FOR THOSE WHO ARE FULLY VACCINATED, THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS: "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE IS
VIRTUALLY OR WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU."
YOU WANT US TO TRICK OR TREAT WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S JUST SNACKING!
WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT EVERY DAY FOR 18 MONTHS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MMM, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
GOOD STUFF.
THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT IF YOU INSIST ON HAVING
THANKSGIVING DINNER INSIDE BRING IN FRESH AIR BY OPENING
WINDOWS AND DOORS, AND USE A WINDOW FAN TO BLOW AIR OUT OF
THE WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER ) PANDEMIC OR NOT, THAT'S GREAT
ADVICE FOR THANKSGIVING.
(LOUD FAN NOISE) (TALKING OVER FAN)
"WHAT'S THAT UNCLE JACK?
THE MEXICANS SHOULD DO WHAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M PURPOSELY SITTING NEXT TO THE
FAN.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT CRITICAL RACE THEORY?
I DEFINITELY WANT TO HEAR IT.
WHILE I CARVE THE TURKEY WITH THIS JACKHAMMER."
(JACKHAMMER NOISES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHO LOVES TURKEY?
DOGS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN PET NEWS, DOGS ARE GETTING
STONED ON NEIGHBORHOOD WALKS.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING, HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN A
DOG IS HIGH: IT ONLY CARES ABOUT HAVING FUN AND EATING FOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE
MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES HAS
LED TO MORE PEOPLE BUYING
EDIBLES, AND MORE PEOPLE BUYING EDIBLES HAS LED TO MORE PEOPLE
DROPPING EDIBLES IN PLACES DOGS CAN EASILY FIND
THEM, WHICH LEADS TO DOGS INADVERTENTLY GETTING
"BAKED."
( LAUGHTER ) SUDDENLY.
SUDDENLY, THAT CLASSIC EXCUSE IS A LOT MORE PLAUSIBLE.
(AS KID) "MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK! BECAUSE
FIRST MY DOG ATE MY STASH.
THEN HE THOUGHT MY HOMEWORK WAS A SALTED PRETZEL."
NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY, BUT ONE WOMAN REPORTS THAT HER
TOY POODLE HAS BEEN TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOUR TIMES AS A
RESULT OF EATING CANNABIS.
IT SURE SEEMS LIKE TREATING A HIGH DOG WOULD BE THE CUSHY
ASSIGNMENT AT THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL:
(AS VETERINARIAN) "BILL, CAN YOU PLEASE GO FISH A
LEGO OUT OF THIS ANGRY CAT'S LOWER INTESTINE?
I WOULD HELP, BUT I GOTTA WATCH SOME "RICK AND MORTY" WITH ROSCO
HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ANOTHER PET OWNER SAYS THAT HE
WAS WALKING HIS DOG, BENTLEY, AROUND HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CALIFORNIA, WHEN THE DOG STARTED ACTING WEIRD.
HE EVEN SHARED A PIC OF BENTLEY.
LET'S GIVE IT A LOOK: OH, YEAH...
I KNOW THAT FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE HAD THAT FACE.
THAT'S A DOG WHO JUST GOOGLED "CAN YOU BE HIGH FOREVER?"
( LAUGHTER ) SO PLEASE, EVERYONE, WITHIN THE
SOUND OF MY VOICE, PLEASE KEEP YOUR POT IN A SAFE PLACE.
DON'T PUT IT SOMEPLACE YOUR DOG CAN FIND IT.
AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT MAIL IT TO ME -- EVEN THOUGH I HAVE
BEEN A VERY GOOD BOY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE A SPOOKY NEW SPONSOR.
STICK AROUND!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
LOOK AT THAT BAND!
♪♪ ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: JON, YOU KNOW WHO WE'VE GOT COMING UP IN A MINUTE,
THE WONDERFUL JULIANNA MARGULIES IS GOING TO BE HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT, FORMALLY OF THE CBS FAMILY.
( APPLAUSE ) SHE'S ON "THAT MORNING SHOW"
WITH MY FRIEND STEVE CORRELL WITH WHAT'S IT CALLED, APPLE +?
APPLE TV+?
IT'S ABOUT A MORNING SHOW.
YOU USED TO RUN A MORNING SHOW.
HOW ACCURATE IS THAT SHOW?
HOW ACCURATE IS IT, CHRIS?
GET A CAMERA ON THIS MOTHER ( BLEEP )!
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS?
GET A CAMERA ON HIM, TURN A LIGHT ON THIS MAN?
HOW ACCURATE -- AS SOMEONE WHO IS THE SHOW RUNNER OF "CBS THIS
MORNING," HOW ACCURATE IS "THE MORNING SHOW."
>> I THINK IT'S NOTHING THAT RESEMBLES "THE MORNING SHOW."
>> Stephen: SO YOU WENT WITH LYING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
FOLKS, FALL IS FINALLY HERE, THERE'S CHRISTMAS IN THE
AIR, THE LEAVES ARE TURNING.
AND THAT MEANS ONE THING: NEW SPONSORS WITH A NEW
TELEVISION SEASON!
WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW LOVE ALL OF OUR SPONSORS, LIKE THEY
WERE OUR CHILDREN WITH A LOT OF MONEY.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT ONE NEW SPONSOR THAT
UNDERSTANDS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.
JIM?
>> HI, I'M DAVID HARBOUR.
LET ME GUESS, YOU BOUGHT AN OLD TRUCK AND THOUGHT YOU WOULD FIX
IT UP, BUT NOW IT JUST SITS IN YOUR GARAGE AND SOMETIMES IT
STARTS FLASHING ITS LIGHTS AND STARTS HONKING LOUDLY ON ITS
OWN.
( HONKING ) THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S HAUNTED BY
THE SPIRIT OF ITS FORMER OWNER.
HEY -- IT HAPPENS.
WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY?
WELL, THAT'S WHERE CROG-ITS PUBLISHING COMES IN WITH THEIR
HAUNTED TRUCK ADDICTION, THAT MEANS AVENGE ME.
( HONKING ) THAT'S I'M HUNGRY, I WANT A
CALZONE.
BUT EVERY CROG-ITS HAUNTED TRUCK TRANSLATION DICTIONARY COMES
WITH A FREE DOWNLOAD OF OUR APP SO YOU CAN TRANSLATE AUDIO IN
REALTIME.
( HONKING ) >> I MISS MY LIFE I NEED TO BE
TOUCHED.
SOMEBODY -- >> NOPE!
( APPLAUSE ) CROG-ITS HAUNTED TRUCK
TRANSLATION DICTIONARY.
KEEP ON TRUCKING.
( HONKING ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP?
( HONKING ) SHUT UP!
( HONKING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, DAVID
HARBOUR!
BACK WITH JULIANNA MARGULIES!
THOSE OF US IN THE NEWS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS CONSIDER
YOURSELF THE NEWS -OH OH, WE DO.
NOW I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE A HOAKY IDEALIST, BUT CAN WE LOOK
FORWARD TO THE DAY WHERE WE CAN TAKE THE BIGGEST BLEEP
IMAGINABLE TO THEIR GRAVE.
TAKE THE WHAT?
MAKE THEM MAD, AND THEY WILL SHUT YOUR BUISNESS ON FIRE.
AND THAT SIGNALS THE REPUBLICANS NOT GIVING A BLEEP
ROB THAT'S KINKY AND I LIKE IT. -YEAH
EVERYTHING THAT ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE DESCRIBING IS ABSOLUTELY
RIDICULOUS.
THANK YOU!
STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS TUNING OUT THE NEWS, TWO HALF HOUR
EPISODES EVERY FRIDAY STARTING OCTOBER 8TH.
ONLY ON PARAMOUNT+
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
JUST TALKING TO MY BUDDY OVER HERE.
HEY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW-GRAM.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A THREE-TIME EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS YOU
KNOW FROM "THE GOOD WIFE" AND "ER." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO
"THE LATE SHOW," JULIANNA MARGULIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU!
IT IS SO NICE TO -- IFNTD BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE
IN -- >> Stephen: THAT'S ONE OF MY
FAVORITE THINGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN TELL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
NOT ACTUALLY BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE SINCE COVID BEGAN
WHEN THEY COME OUT HERE BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE, MY
FRIENDS!
>> OH, MY GOD MY HEART'S BEATING A LITTLE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
SO NICE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEY CAME JUST FOR
YOU.
WE SHIPPED THEM IN JUST FOR YOU.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
HERE'S THE THING -- >> YES.
>> Stephen: -- SPEAKING OF COVID, THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE WAS IN MAY OF 2019, SO A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS AGO.
YOU WERE STARTING IN A GEOSERIES CALLED --
>> THE HOT ZONE.
>> Stephen: ABOUT AN ELBA OUTBREAK ABOUT PANDEMICS.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF YOU IN YOUR OUTFIT FROM --
>> SEXY!
>> Stephen: BUT HERE'S THE CRAZY THING, I SAW A CLIP TODAY,
THIS IS, AGAIN, MAY OF 2019, THIS IS ALMOST A YEAR BEFORE THE
COVID OUTBREAK.
THIS -- >> YES.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID.
>> IT'S NOT ABOUT WHEN THIS IS -- IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN
ON THE U.S. SOIL AGAIN, IT'S WHEN.
WHAT I'M -- STAY WITH ME.
( LAUGHTER ) SO SHEDDING LIGHT ON IT, IT'S ON
THE COVER OF THE "NEW YORK TIMES" TODAY, FOR THE FIRST
TIME, WHERE USUALLY IT'S BACK ON PAGE 18.
>> Stephen: SURE.
FINALLY, WE'RE SHEDDING LIGHT ON A GLOBAL PROBLEM, AND WE NEED
TO SUPPORT OUR SCIENTISTS AND STOP DENYING SCIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
>> THEY DIDN'T LISTEN.
>> Stephen: WE NEVER LISTEN TO YOU, JULIANNA MARGULIES!
>> I MEAN, THAT'S AMAZING.
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I DID A TALK SHOW.
>> Stephen: AND, SO -- DID YOU HAVE A HEAD START WHEN THE
PANDEMIC STARTED?
WERE YOU READY?
DID YOU SAVE THIS OUTFIT?
DID YOU HAVE THIS READY TO GO WHEN IT HIT?
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SO THAT OUTFIT WAS NOT SO BAD.
THE HAZMAT SUIT WHICH WEIGHED 350 POUNDS AND WAS SO
UNCOMFORTABLE -- >> Stephen: IS THAT THE YELLOW
THING.
>> IT WAS BLUE AND HAD A FAN AND IT WAS HORRIBLE, AND I'M
CLAUSTROPHOBIC, SO THAT WASN'T FUN.
WHEN I GOT ON "THE MORNING SHOW" AND GOT ON MY FIRST FLIGHT AFTER
EIGHT MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN, I JUST DREAMED -- I WAS, LIKE, OF ALL
THE COSTUMES I DIDN'T TAKE, WHY WOULDN'T I HAVE TAKEN THAT
RUBBER HAZMAT SUIT SO I COULD FLY ON A PLANE --
>> Stephen: YOU CAN PUT A MARTINNIZEING BAG ON YOUR HEAD
AND A RUBBER BAND AROUND YOUR NECK, THAT WORKS, TOO.
>> THAT WORKS.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PRODUCTIVE OVER COVID.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU WROTE A BOOK.
I DID.
>> Stephen: A MEMOIR "SUNSHINE GIRL: AN UNEXPECTED LIFE."
IS IT TRUE THIS BOOK WAS ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE JUST
ABOUT SET ETIQUETTE, LIKE THE SET KIT YOU SHOULD HAVE WHEN
YOU'RE ON A FILM OR TELEVISION SET?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
>> IT'S NOT IN HERE.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT IN HERE AT ALL.
WHAT DID YOU PUBLISHER SAY WHEN YOU SAID I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK
AT SET ETIQUETTE?
>> WHEN I WAS ON "THE GOOD WIFE," I WORKED WITH THE AMAZING
MICHAEL J. FOX.
IT'S HARD BEING ON A SET.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE, I'M NOT COMPLAINING, BUT IT'S HARD
WORK, AND NOT JUST FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE.
IT'S A COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE AND NOTHING WORKS WITHOUT EVERYONE,
CREW, CAST, PRODUCERS, EVERYBODY.
AND I WOULD SIT BACK WHEN THEY WERE LIGHTING AT A COURTROOM
SCENE AND MICHAEL J. FOX WOULD BE AT A COUNCIL TABLE AND I
WOULD BE WATCHING A COUPLE OF MELTDOWNS AND PEOPLE BEHAVING
BADLY AND I WOULD TRY -- I WOULD GET EMBARRASSED AND TRY NOT TO
SAY ANYTHING AND BREATHE AND GET THROUGH IT.
I LOOKED OVER AND HE SAID, YOU'RE LOOKING AT PEOPLE WHO
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I SAID, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BEHAVIOR.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE ESSENTIALS OF SET ETIQUETTES YOU
THINK SHOULD BE TOLD ON DAY ONE.
>> MY THREE FIRST THINGS, BE ON TIME, KNOW YOUR LINES, AND DON'T
COMPLAIN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S IT.
I WAS A WAITRESS.
I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED SUNSHINE GIRL: AN UNEXPECTED LIFE ."
I NEVER EXPECTED THIS LIFE.
HAYED A CRAZY CHILDHOOD.
I WROTE NINE CHAPTERS AND MY AGENT SAID -- I INTERWOVE IT
WITH SET ETIQUETTE AND HOW IT GOT STARTED AND I WOULD DO A
LITTLE CHILDHOOD MEMORY, CENTER THE NINE CHAPTERS.
AND SHE GOES, SO ACTING HANDBOOKS DON'T SELL, BUT YOUR
LIFE WAS CRAZY!
WRITE THAT!
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, JULIANNA ARE GOING TO TRADE WAITRESS AND
BARTENDING STORIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: OH, THIS IS THE LIFE!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE MORNING SHOW," JULIANNA
MARGULIES.
WERE YOU AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE STUCK IN THE WAITRESSING
GAME FOR YEARS?
BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND YOU DID THAT FOR YEARS, AND YOU CAN FEEL
LIKE THIS, BECAUSE I DID IT FOR MANY YEARS.
YOU FEEL LIKE, I NEVER WILL GET BEYOND THIS AND ADJUST TO ACTING
FOR A LIVING.
>> YEAH, I HAD STEPS FOR MYSELF.
I THINK YOU MAY HAVE WAITED ON TABLES A LITTLE LONGER THAN I --
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU WAIT ON TABLES.
>> EVERY SUMMER FROM AGE 18.
>> Stephen: DOESN'T COUNT.
AFTER COLLEGE, I WAITED PROFESSIONALLY AND BARTENDED AND
CHECKED COATS SIX MONTHS BEFORE I GOT MY FIRST MOVIE.
>> Stephen: I -- HATE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIVE YEARS.
I WAITED TABLES FIVE YEARS.
>> DON'T YOU THINK -- I REALLY DO BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE --
>> Stephen: YEAH.
-- EVERYONE I WORKED WITH WHO HAS COME FROM SOME SORT OF
SERVICE INDUSTRY, WAITING ON TABLES, HOTEL, ANY KIND OF
SERVICE INDUSTRY, THEY HAVE A WORK ETHIC I UNDERSTAND.
>> Stephen: ALSO, YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT.
>> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ANSWER IN KIND IF SOMEONE'S
CRUEL TO YOU.
>> THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
THAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE A COUPLE OF TIMES.
>> Stephen: YOU BARTENDED, THAT WAS A GOOD GIG.
>> SO YOU BARTENDED?
>> Stephen: YEP.
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT BARTENDING IS EVERYONE WANTS THEIR DRINK SO
THEY'RE NICE TO YOU.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, THEY WANT TO CATCH YOUR EYE WITH A SMILE.
>> THEY WANT ALCOHOL, AND THEY CAN'T TOUCH YOU BECAUSE A BAR IS
THERE.
WHEN YOU WAITRESS, THEY CAN TOUCH YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE BEHIND A BAR, YOU'RE A GOD.
I WAS A TERRIBLE BARTENDER, I WAS AWFUL.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO.
I WOULD SHAKE THE MARGARITA AND RUN IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE BAR.
>> Stephen: YOU COULDN'T HEAR THE COMPLAINTS.
>> I WAS GREAT WITH THE GIN AND TONIC.
>> Stephen: IF THE NAME OF THE DRINK IS WITH INSTRUCTIONS,
YOU'RE FINE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT THE TIPS ARE GREAT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DRUNK.
>> THEY'RE DRUNK AND THEY WANT YOU TO KEEP POURING AND IF YOU
BORE A BIG POURER, THE DRUNKER THEY GET, THE MORE MONEY THEY
LEAVE AND THEY STILL CAN'T TOUCH YOU.
>> Stephen: HERE'S MY TRICK, YOU'RE THE PERSON I'M BARTENDING
FOR, YOU'VE ORDERED A DRINK, I'VE GIVEN YOU THE DRINK, YOU
PUT A 20 DOWN, I GIVE YOU YOUR CHANGE, AND YOU MAY GET ANOTHER
DRINK.
I WOULD GO DOWN THE BAR WITH A RAG AND GET TO YOUR THING AND I
COULD GO, SORRY!
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THIS, IS THIS FOR ME?
I DON'T WANT TO -- AND THEY'D GO, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND
THERE'S LIKE 15 ( BLEEP ) BUCK RIGHT THERE.
THEY'RE DRUNK, THEY DON'T REMEMBER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> IT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE ON A GREAT SHOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU YET, I'VE ONLY SEEN THE FIRST EPISODE.
SEASON TWO OF "THE MORNING SHOW."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP RIGHT HERE.
YOU COME IN, IN EPISODE THREE, I BELIEVE.
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU?
MY NAME IS LAURA PETERSEN, A JOURNALLEST, SORT OF LIKE DIANE
SAWYER AT ABC, SHE HAS HER ONE-HOUR NIGHTLY NEWS SHOW.
IT'S GONE ON FOR SO LONG AND BEEN SO SUCCESSFUL SHE CAN COME
AND GO AS SHE LIKES.
SHE'S THE BIG PRESENCE THEY BRING IN TO INTERVIEW PRESIDENTS
AND CELEBRITIES.
SHE'S BEEN ASKED BY BILLY CRUDUP'S CHARACTER AND SAID CAN
YOU INTERVIEW ALEX AND BRADLEY BECAUSE THEY'RE COMING BACK TO
THE MORNING SHOW?
>> Stephen: REESE WITHERSPOON AND JENNIFER ANISTON.
>> YES.
REESE'S CHARACTER NEVER MET ME, I'M AN ICON TO HER, I'M THE IT
GIRL.
JENNIFER ANISTON AND I HAVE A LONG HISTORY TOGETHER AND YOU
DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT THAT IS AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY
THE ENDING BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NINE EPISODES TO GO.
>> Stephen: SURE.
BUT IT'S REALLY FUN, AND IT'S -- >> Stephen: AND THIS IS WHERE
YOU TWO ARE MEETING, YOU AND REESE?
>> I AM ASKED TO GO WITH REESE TO THE IOWA CAUCUSES, AND I SAY
TO COREY, BASICALLY, I'D RATHER HAVE PINS IN MY EYES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN TO THE IOWA CAUCUSES?
>> HAVE YOU.
>> Stephen: YES.
AS BORING AS THEY SAY.
>> Stephen: WATCH THE CLIP.
OKAY.
THE POINT IS YOU SURPRISE ME IN A GOOD WAY.
>> I DID?
YEAH!
YOU WERE A DINE AMO OUT THERE.
IT'S A SIDE OF YOU I NEVER SAW OF YOU ON TMS.
DO THEY KNOW YOU'RE FUN?
>> I USED TO BE FUN.
THAT'S HOW I GOT PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 15.
>> DOESN'T SOUND MUCH FUN TO ME, PROBABLY JUST A MATTER OF TASTE.
POINT IS, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE USING YOU IN THE RIGHT WAY.
>> REALLY?
YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE WHO STAY ON "THE MORNING SHOW" FOREVER
ARE A KIND OF THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU'RE BIGGER THAN THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOOK FORWARD TO
IT.
>> IT'S SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME >> STEPHEN: SEASON TWO OF "THE
MORNING SHOW" IS STREAMING ON APPLE TV+, WITH NEW
EPISODES EVERY FRIDAY.
JULIANNA MARGULIES EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY
TOBY KEITH.
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING "OLD SCHOOL," FROM HIS FORTHCOMING
ALBUM, "PESO IN MY POCKET," TOBY KEITH!
>> GOT A NEW ♪ ♪ ♪
ALBUM OUT CALLED "PESO IN MY POCKET."
THIS IS THE FIRST.
LET'S GET OLD SCHOOL.
♪ YEAH, BACK IN THE HIGH SCHOOL, YEAH, THEY'RE SO COOL
♪ LETTERMAN JACKETS IN THE PARKIN' LOT
♪ DRAGGIN' ON A CAMEL LIGHT, BACK BEHIND THE FIVE AND DIME
♪ PRAYIN' THAT THEY NEVER GET CAUGHT
♪ EVERYBODY'S GONNA FISH FRY SATURDAY NIGHT
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU CALL ONE, GOTTA CALL 'EM ALL
♪ CRUISIN' DOWN THE MAIN STREET, DRIVING THROUGH THE DAIRY QUEEN
♪ AIN'T GOT A WAL-MART, AIN'T GOT A MALL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'RE OLD SCHOOL,
SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND ♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO,
GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS ♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE,
LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH ♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
FEELS ABOUT RIGHT ♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL,
JUST THE WAY WE LIKE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ MARRIED BY 19, TWO PAWN SHOP RINGS
♪ AIN'T A BIG CITY, BUT IT SURE IS NICE
♪ BLUE COLLAR, SIX PACK, WORK HARD, LAID BACK
♪ SITTIN' ON THE FRONT PORCH, DRIVE ON BY
♪ PICKIN' ON A SIX STRING, LIVIN' ON A SHOESTRING
♪ AIN'T GOT MUCH, BUT WE DON'T CARE
♪ NEEDLE ON A RECORD DON'T GET ANY BETTER LIKE WHOA, BABY,
♪ WE'RE HALFWAY THERE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WE'RE OLD SCHOOL, SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND
♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS
♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH
♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FEELS ABOUT RIGHT
♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ EVERYBODY SAY OLD SCHOOL, SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND
♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS
♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH
♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FEELS ABOUT RIGHT
♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE
♪ YEAH, WE'RE KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL,
♪ IT'S A SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND
♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS
♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH
♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FEELS ABOUT RIGHT
♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ OLD SCHOOL
OLD SCHOOL ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: TOBY KEITH
EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE MICHAEL KEATON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )