1 00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:02,435 >> BEAM HIM UP! 2 00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:07,474 ACTOR WILLIAM SHATNER IS SET TO BE ON BOARD BLUE ORIGIN'S SECOND 3 00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,042 CIVILIAN FLIGHT NEXT MONTH. 4 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:11,378 THE 90-YEAR-OLD SHATNER, BEST KNOWN FOR HIS ROLE AT 5 00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:13,580 "STAR TREK," OF COURSE, WILL BECOME THE OLDEST PERSON TO 6 00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:16,082 ACTUALLY GO TO SPACE. 7 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:25,191 ♪♪ ♪♪ 8 00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:26,726 >> CAPTAIN. 9 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:30,864 WHAT IN THE NAME OF -- AM I -- SEEING THINGS? 10 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:37,137 ( OMINOUS MUSIC ) >> WHAT IS IT, MR. SPOCK? 11 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,738 IS IT A -- PENIS? 12 00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:43,176 ( CRASHING SOUNDS ) >> IT'S HOLDING US IN ITS 13 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,878 STREAM! 14 00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:47,414 >> WE'RE DEAD STILL, CAPTAIN. 15 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,381 HELM DOESN'T ANSWER. 16 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,517 WE CAN'T MOVE. 17 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:54,387 >> MR. SALOME, TRY ROCKING THE SHIP. 18 00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:56,856 FULL IMPULSE POWER, FORWARD AND BACK. 19 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,024 >> AYE-AYE, SIR. 20 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,361 CAPTAIN, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO ROCK A SHIP SHAPED LIKE 21 00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,563 A PENIS FORWARD AND BACK? 22 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:07,333 >> CAPTAIN, THE MOST CURIOUS DEVELOPMENT ON SCANNER 5-7. 23 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,102 >> LET'S ALL TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR. SPOCK. 24 00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,471 >> CAPTAIN, IT'S A GIANT TESTICLE! 25 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:14,941 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 26 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:23,283 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 27 00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:30,890 TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES JULIANNA MARGULIES! 28 00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:34,861 AND MUSICAL GUEST TOBY KEITH. 29 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,932 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 30 00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:43,770 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 31 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:50,076 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 32 00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:51,578 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 33 00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:52,612 >> Stephen: HEY! 34 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,181 VERY NICE! 35 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:57,884 HEY! 36 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:09,462 HELLO! 37 00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:13,299 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PLEASE! 38 00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:15,268 HAVE A SEAT! 39 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:19,372 ( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 40 00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:21,741 >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 41 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,476 I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. 42 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,012 AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 43 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:33,753 -- I COME TO YOU ON A STRANGE AND UNSETTLING DAY IN AMERICA 44 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,824 BECAUSE TODAY, MONDAY, OCTOBER 4TH, IS NATIONAL TACO DAY. 45 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:38,725 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT. 46 00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:41,060 NATIONAL TACO DAY ON A "MONDAY." 47 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,330 ( LAUGHTER ) A VIOLATION OF THE CHERISHED 48 00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:46,299 AMERICAN INSTITUTION OF TACO TUESDAYS. 49 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:47,333 WHAT'S NEXT? 50 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,968 SUPERBOWL WEDNESDAY? 51 00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,504 THROWBACK SUNDAY? 52 00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:56,876 HOLDING TOYOTATHON DURING THE SACRED HIGH HONDA-DAYS? 53 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:59,078 ( LAUGHTER ) AS IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, 54 00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,114 TACOS HAVE TO SHARE THEIR SPECIAL DAY WITH ANOTHER 55 00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:05,852 IMPORTANT MADE-UP OCCASION: "NATIONAL CINNAMON ROLL DAY." 56 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:09,122 ( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 57 00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:13,059 BOTH -- BOTH -- BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE FROM A FAMILY 58 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,494 WHERE MOM'S SIDE OBSERVES TACO DAY, BUT YOUR DAD'S SIDE 59 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:15,762 CELEBRATES CINNAMON ROLLS? 60 00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:18,097 YOU END UP EATING A BIG BEEF AND CINNA-CHEESY 61 00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:22,669 ROLL-DITA. 62 00:03:22,735 --> 00:03:27,941 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TACO BELL, CALL ME. 63 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:30,610 >> Jon: THAT'LL SING YOU SOMETHING. 64 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:34,180 >> Stephen: 2:00 IN THE MORNING, YOU BET. 65 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:37,016 SCATTERED APPRECIATION. 66 00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:38,451 ( LAUGHTER ) ONE PLACE YOU COULDN'T SHARE 67 00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:39,852 YOUR FAVORITE NATIONAL TACO DAY MEMORIES TODAY WAS FACEBOOK, 68 00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,321 BECAUSE THEY, ALONG WITH WHATSAPP AND INSTAGRAM 69 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:44,190 SUFFERED OUTAGES THIS AFTERNOON. 70 00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,526 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, I KNOW, ONE IMAGINES 71 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:47,827 THAT'S SAD. 72 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,195 SO IF YOU WANTED TO SHARE PHOTOS, YOU HAD TO GO 73 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:55,068 DOOR-TO-DOOR WITH POLAROIDS OF YOUR BRUNCH. 74 00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:58,838 ( LAUGHTER ) THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS 75 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:04,344 , HOW MANY PEOPLE COULDN'T GET ON? 76 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,246 ( CHEERING ) I HEAR BAD THINGS. 77 00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:11,484 THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS MORNING AT 11:45, KEPT GOING ALL 78 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,052 AFTERNOON, AND EVENTUALLY REGISTERED AS ONE OF THE LONGEST 79 00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:19,158 OUTAGES IN THE HISTORY OF FACEBOOK. 80 00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:27,533 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A 81 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:28,768 SECOND! 82 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,404 YOU'RE ALL HAPPY IT WENT DOWN BUT MOMENTS AGO YOU ALL TRIED TO 83 00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:33,406 GET ON TODAY! 84 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:35,441 ( LAUGHTER ) SEEK HELP! 85 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:37,110 FOR HOURS, USERS WERE LEFT IN SUSPENSE ABOUT WHETHER THEIR 86 00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:38,177 SECOND COUSIN THINKS THE VACCINE GIVES YOUR PANCREAS 87 00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:42,215 WIFI. 88 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,383 ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SO BAD THAT THE ONLY WAY 89 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:47,420 FACEBOOK COULD LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS BY 90 00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,857 POSTING A MESSAGE ON TWITTER. 91 00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:53,926 ( LAUGHTER ) OW! 92 00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:54,293 OW! 93 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,028 >> Jon: OW! 94 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,029 THAT HURTS! 95 00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:57,130 THAT HURTS! 96 00:04:57,196 --> 00:05:00,667 >> Stephen: THAT MUST HURT! 97 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:01,934 FACEBOOK IS COMMUNICATING THEIR PROBLEMS ON TWITTER? 98 00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,370 THAT'S LIKE BURGER KING RUNNING OUT OF FRIES AND ANNOUNCING IT 99 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,873 ON A BIG MAC. 100 00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:09,409 ( LAUGHTER ) TWITTER TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO 101 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,310 GREET BILLIONS OF DISPLACED FACEBOOK USERS BY 102 00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:18,017 POSTING: "HELLO LITERALLY EVERYONE." 103 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:21,154 ( APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR THEM! 104 00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,122 GRAB THAT BRASS RING! 105 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:25,091 >> YEAH, YOU GOT TO GO GET IT! 106 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,226 COME ON, ON IT! 107 00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:28,795 THEY HAD TO INITIATE NEW USERS BY EXPLAINING 108 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,496 "IT'S ALL THE HATEFUL ARGUING WITHOUT ANY PICTURES OF YOUR 109 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:31,364 NEPHEW'S PIANO RECITAL! 110 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:37,036 ENJOY!" AS PANIC GREW, FACEBOOK DID NOT 111 00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:39,972 SAY WHAT MIGHT BE CAUSING THE OUTAGE. 112 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,774 NOW, I'M NO COMPUTER EXPERT, BUT MY THEORY IS.. 113 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:47,513 A JUST GOD? 114 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:52,118 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 115 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,453 AGAIN, I HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT. 116 00:05:53,519 --> 00:06:01,994 ONE OF THESE DAYS, I GOTTA CHECK IT OUT. 117 00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:03,329 AS FOR THE ATTITUDE INSIDE THE COMPANY. 118 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,597 ADAM MOSSERI, THE HEAD OF INSTAGRAM 119 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:05,765 TWEETED THAT IT FEELS LIKE A "SNOW DAY." 120 00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:06,966 I ASSUME HE MEANS WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO HAS 121 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,201 PLUMMETED BY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, SO YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN 122 00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:11,571 YOUR OFFICE AND BINGE COCAINE ALL DAY. 123 00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:14,173 ( APPLAUSE ) HOW BAD WAS THIS? 124 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,410 FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES TRIED TO REBOOT THE SYSTEM, BUT 125 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,512 COULDN'T GET IN THE BUILDING BECAUSE THEIR BADGES 126 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:22,815 WEREN'T WORKING FOR ACCESS DOORS. 127 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:27,820 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYTHING'S DOWN! 128 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,288 NOW, CLEARLY, THIS IS THE DAY THE MACHINES HAVE RISEN UP AND 129 00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:33,126 ARE TAKING OVER, BUT DON'T PANIC. 130 00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:36,796 THEY ONLY KNOW OUR THOUGHTS FEELINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, 131 00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:42,568 LOCATION, FACIAL PATTERNS, AND BANKING DATA. 132 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:43,703 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A RUN 133 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,905 OF BAD P.R. FOR FACEBOOK THE WALL STREET JOURNAL RECENTLY 134 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,674 PUBLISHED LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOWING THAT THE COMPANY KNOWS 135 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:53,780 THAT INSTAGRAM IS TOXIC FOR TEEN GIRLS. 136 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,581 THOUGH YOU CAN ALSO CHECK INSTA FOR WAYS TO FLUSH OUT THOSE 137 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:58,284 TOXINS WITH AN AMAZING MATCHA TEA THAT GIVES YOU A 138 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:01,187 BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT. 139 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,989 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 140 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,191 ON SUNDAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER WHO LEAKED THOSE DOCUMENTS CAME 141 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,661 FORWARD ON EVERY TEEN GIRL'S FAVORITE LONG-FORM INVESTIGATORY 142 00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:15,968 NEWS PROGRAM, 60 MINUTES -- 143 00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:19,038 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 144 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:22,975 THE WHISTLEBLOWER IS FORMER FACEBOOK PRODUCT MANAGER 145 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,844 AND SUPERGIRL AT ANN TAYLOR LOFT, FRANCES HAUGEN. 146 00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,612 HAUGEN'S BIGGEST BOMBSHELL WAS THAT FACEBOOK 'CHOOSES PROFITS 147 00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:31,851 OVER SAFETY.' WAIT A MINUTE! 148 00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:35,021 ( LAUGHTER ) DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY? 149 00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:38,825 ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A CORPORATION 150 00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:40,193 CHOSE MONEY OVER THE SAFETY OF CONSUMERS? 151 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:43,963 THIS IS SO DISTURBING, I NEED TO CALM DOWN WITH AN ICE-COLD FOUR 152 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,466 LOKO. 153 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:48,434 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM. 154 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:49,001 MMM. 155 00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:51,938 MMM. 156 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:59,045 ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) 157 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:02,615 MM, MM, MM MM, MM, MM. 158 00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:04,116 TASTES LIKE STEALING A LUGGAGE CART FROM A HOTEL AND RIDING IT 159 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:07,486 NAKED DOWN A HILL INTO HIGHWAY TRAFFIC. 160 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:12,992 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 161 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:15,328 I'M GETTING NOTES OF DEEP REGRET. 162 00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:19,031 ( LAUGHTER ) HAUGEN EXPLAINED THAT FACEBOOK 163 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:22,401 AND INSTAGRAM USE YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM AS BAIT. 164 00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:26,405 >> FACEBOOK'S OWN RESEARCH SAYS AS THESE YOUNG 165 00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:29,375 WOMEN BEGIN TO CONSUME THIS EATING DISORDER CONTENT THEY GET 166 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,510 MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED, AND IT ACTUALLY MAKES THEM USE THE APP 167 00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:35,581 MORE. 168 00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,483 >> STEPHEN: EVERYONE KNOWS MAKING YOU FEEL BAD IS A 169 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,051 GREAT BUSINESS MODEL! 170 00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:41,087 THAT'S WHY OREOS INTRODUCED THEIR NEW FLAVOR: 171 00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,655 DOUBLE-STUF SHAME! 172 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:46,959 NO ONE LOVES YOU, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE. 173 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,662 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 174 00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:51,430 I CAN GO WITH THAT. 175 00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:55,334 >> Jon: UH-HUH. 176 00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:58,638 >> Stephen: BIG CINA-CHEESY. 177 00:08:58,704 --> 00:08:59,906 BUT THE FACEBOOK MONSTER DOESN'T JUST FEED ON YOUR SADNESS, IT 178 00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:01,140 ALSO FEASTS ON YOUR RAGE. 179 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,609 >> ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOW FACEBOOK IS PICKING OUT THAT 180 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:07,380 CONTENT TODAY, IS IT IS OPTIMIZING FOR CONTENT THAT 181 00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:10,149 GETS ENGAGEMENT, IT IS EASIER TO INSPIRE PEOPLE TO ANGER THAN IT 182 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,686 IS TO OTHER EMOTIONS. 183 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:19,992 >> Stephen: WELL, IF THE Facebook ALGORITHM 184 00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,527 LIKES THINGS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY, IT'S GONNA LOVE 185 00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,396 THIS NEWS ABOUT THE FACEBOOK ALGORITHM. 186 00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:25,164 HAUGEN WORKED FOR FACEBOOK'S CIVIC INTEGRITY TEAM, AND SHE 187 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:28,734 KNEW SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG RIGHT AFTER THE 2020 ELECTION. 188 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:37,710 >> THEY TOLD US WE'RE DISSOLVING CIVIC INTEGRITY. 189 00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:39,412 LIKE THEY BASICALLY SAID OH GOOD, WE MADE IT THROUGH THE 190 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:41,147 ELECTION, THERE WASN'T RIOTS, WE CAN GET RID OF CIVIC INTEGRITY 191 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:42,281 NOW. 192 00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:44,884 FAST FORWARD A COUPLE OF MONTHS WE GOT THE INSURRECTION. 193 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:45,618 >> STEPHEN: YIKES. 194 00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:46,319 THAT'S LIKE A DAD SAYING (AS DAD) 195 00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:47,086 "OK, WE'RE OFF THE HIGHWAY. 196 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,354 EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR SEATBELTS OFF. 197 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:52,124 I DON'T THINK MANY CAR ACCIDENTS OCCUR CLOSE TO HOME. 198 00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:57,129 DAD'S GONNA CRACK OPEN A FROSTY COLD 4 LOKO. 199 00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:00,833 WOO!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 200 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:11,544 ( PIANO RIFF ) ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR LOCO? 201 00:10:11,610 --> 00:10:13,379 I FEEL BETTER. 202 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,681 ( LAUGHTER ) FACEBOOK WAS CLEARLY RATTLED, 203 00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,783 BECAUSE THEY SENT OUT AN EXECUTIVE TO DO SOME DAMAGE 204 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,920 CONTROL BEFORE THE INTERVIEW EVEN AIRED. 205 00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,421 >> OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN EVERYTHING RIGHT. 206 00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:25,257 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION IN SOCIAL MEDIA AS 207 00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:27,793 MUCH AS IN ANY OTHER WALK OF LIFE. 208 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:30,162 >> Stephen: OH REALLY? 209 00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:34,867 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? 210 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,035 HAVE YOU SEEN CHRISTIANO RONALDO'S INSTAGRAM? 211 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:36,769 BANG! 212 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:43,376 BANG! 213 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:46,779 WE WERE GONNA SHOW YOU MORE, BUT WE CAN'T, BECAUSE INSTAGRAM IS 214 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:50,149 DOWN. 215 00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:58,124 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 216 00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,526 >> Jon: WE GONNA GET THERE ONE DAY. 217 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:04,363 I'M COMING FOR YEAH. 218 00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:07,099 >> THIS Facebook STORY WAS ORIGINALLY BROKEN BY THE WALL 219 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,401 STREET JOURNAL, INCLUDING TECHNOLOGY REPORTER JEFF 220 00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:09,568 HORWITZ, WHO WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS TO TALK ABOUT THE 221 00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:10,770 SCOOP. 222 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:11,370 BUT HE ENDED UP GETTING PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. 223 00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,571 SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT. 224 00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,207 >> SO, JOINING ME FOR MORE ON ALL OF THIS IS JEFF HOROWITZ, 225 00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,610 ONE OF THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" REPORTERS WHO'S BEEN REPORTING 226 00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,979 ON FACEBOOK UNDER THEIR UMBRELLA, 'FACEBOOK 227 00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:27,787 FILES.' >> STEPHEN: HOLY HEADBAND! 228 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:30,756 WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? 229 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,291 IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WALTER CRONKITE COVERED NIXON'S 230 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:36,896 RESIGNATION WEARING SHUTTER SHADES. 231 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:38,964 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 232 00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:45,738 IT WAS LIKE BE BJORN BORG. 233 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:47,239 HORWITZ TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEFEND HIS CHOICE OF HEADGEAR, 234 00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:48,707 SAYING: THE HEADBAND HAS BEEN A PRETTY 235 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,076 CONSTANT THING FOR ME THROUGHOUT A VERY LONG AND WEIRD COVID-TIME 236 00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:50,476 REPORTING PROJECT. 237 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,944 I GET IT. 238 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,713 I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF COVID REPORTING 239 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:58,017 IS LOSS OF TASTE. 240 00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:04,423 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 241 00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:07,126 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 242 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:07,993 SINCERELY, THANK YOU. 243 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,262 HAPPY MONDAY. 244 00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:12,898 SPEAKING OF WHISTLEBLOWERS, LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A MASSIVE REPORT 245 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,234 ABOUT TAX HAVENS DROPPED BY THE INTERNATIONAL CONSORTIUM OF 246 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:18,237 INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS, DOCUMENTING THAT HUNDREDS OF 247 00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,639 WORLD LEADERS, POWERFUL POLITICIANS, BILLIONAIRES, 248 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:23,776 CELEBRITIES, RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND DRUG DEALERS HAVE 249 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:27,580 BEEN HIDING THEIR INVESTMENTS IN MANSIONS, EXCLUSIVE BEACHFRONT 250 00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:30,316 PROPERTY, YACHTS, AND OTHER ASSETS FOR THE PAST 251 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,018 QUARTER-CENTURY. 252 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,821 WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING 253 00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:41,861 SEGMENT, "RICH PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST NOT LIKE US." 254 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,963 US PAY TAXES. 255 00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:46,265 >> "UH-OH! TO THE CAYMANS!" 256 00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:48,934 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 257 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:55,207 ( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: THE LEAK IS THE 258 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,343 FOLLOW UP TO THE 2016 PANAMA PAPERS AND IS BEING CALLED 259 00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:59,278 THE PANDORA PAPERS. 260 00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,547 AND THEY SHOW HOW THE SUPER RICH USE SHELL COMPANIES TO HOLD 261 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:06,552 LUXURY ITEMS SUCH AS PROPERTY AND YACHTS, AND EVEN PAINTINGS 262 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,521 BY PICASSO AND MURALS BY BANKSY. 263 00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,689 HAVE THEY SEEN BANKSY'S WORK? 264 00:13:10,756 --> 00:13:13,492 THE GUY'S NOT BIG ON CAPITALISM. 265 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:16,028 THERE'S A REASON THE DOCUMENTARY WAS CALLED "EXIT 266 00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:19,665 THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP" AND NOT "I JUST BOUGHT THE GIFT SHOP AS 267 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:24,069 A FRONT TO HIDE THE PROFITS FROM MY DRUG SMUGGLING." 268 00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:27,907 ( APPLAUSE ) THE PEOPLE NAMED -- DRUG 269 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,975 SMUGGLING! 270 00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:31,343 DRUG -- ENTREPRENEURS! 271 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,512 ENTREPRENEURS. 272 00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:36,015 THE PEOPLE NAMED IN THE LEAK ARE FROM ACROSS THE ECONOMIC 273 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:38,317 SPECTRUM: FROM THE IMPOSSIBLY WEALTHY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE 274 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,719 RIDICULOUSLY RICH. 275 00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:43,756 FIRST UP: JORDANIAN RULER AND THAT WOMAN'S 276 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:47,159 VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY, KING ABDULLAH II. 277 00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:50,196 ACCORDING TO THE LEAKS, WHILE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN AMERICAN 278 00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:53,265 AID POURED INTO JORDAN OVER THE PAST DECADE, A SECRET STREAM OF 279 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:56,335 MONEY WAS FLOWING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS KING 280 00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:59,438 ABDULLAH II, SPENT MILLIONS ON EXTRAVAGANT HOMES IN THE UNITED 281 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,940 STATES. 282 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:06,812 SEE, KIDS: TAKE RISKS, WORK HARD, PAY YOUR TAXES, AND ONE 283 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:11,083 DAY YOU CAN REALIZE THE AMERICAN DREAM OF BUYING A 284 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:14,987 HOME...FOR THE KING OF JORDAN. 285 00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,088 ( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT ALSO INCLUDES 286 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,290 CELEBRITIES LIKE CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, MONICA BELLUCCI, AND 287 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,825 EVEN SHAKIRA. 288 00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:24,296 TURNS OUT HER HIPS DON'T LIE, BUT HER ACCOUNTANT DOES. 289 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:30,669 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 290 00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,805 THE LEAKS GO ON TO NAME SEVERAL PROMINENT FIGURES IN GLOBAL 291 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:36,208 POLITICS LIKE PRESIDENT OF KENYA, UHURU 292 00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:40,279 KENYATTA, CZECH PRIME MINISTER ANDREJ BABIS, PRIME MINISTER OF 293 00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:44,750 LEBANON, NAJIB MIKATI, AND CANADIAN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER 294 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,584 ELVIS STOJKO. 295 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:49,922 ELVIS STOJKO? 296 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:50,823 ( LAUGHTER ) HOW DOES HE HAVE THIS KIND OF 297 00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:51,957 MONEY? 298 00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,426 ELVIS STOJKO AND I HAVE THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF OLYMPIC 299 00:14:54,493 --> 00:15:00,966 GOLD MEDALS, AND YET I DO NOT HAVE STOJKO MONEY. 300 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:01,867 ( APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA GET A NEW ACCOUNTANT. 301 00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,536 AND SOME SKATES. 302 00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,940 AND SOME SEQUINS. 303 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:09,408 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST FAR FLUNG 304 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,210 LOCATIONS LIKE THE CAYMAN ISLANDS AND PANAMA, 305 00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,045 ACCORDING TO THE LEAK, THE STATE OF SOUTH 306 00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:17,783 DAKOTA IS SHELTERING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN WEALTH. 307 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,319 THAT'S RIGHT, SOUTH DAKOTA IS THE NEW CAYMAN ISLANDS! 308 00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:23,022 IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE MONEY, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO 309 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:29,628 GO TO THERE. 310 00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:33,766 ( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON. 311 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:34,566 MA'AM -- ( APPLAUSE ) 312 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,835 -- WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE DOCUMENTS? 313 00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:37,236 SOUTH DAKOTA? 314 00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:39,505 YOU CAN GO. 315 00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:45,210 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE'S A FREEBIE. 316 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,445 IF THERE WERE ONLY A WAY TO GET OUR HANDS ON ALL THOSE HIDDEN 317 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:47,179 FUNDS. 318 00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:48,347 HAVE THEY TRIED THIS? 319 00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:53,419 (SLOT MACHINE WINNING BELLS) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 320 00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,988 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JULIANNA MARGULIES. 321 00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:58,824 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR DOG GETTING HIGH? 322 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,026 THE ANSWER MIGHT MAKE YOU PARANOID. 323 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:34,059 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 324 00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:36,161 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 325 00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:41,400 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" HERE FROM BEAUTIFUL MIDTOWN 326 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:41,834 MANHATTAN. 327 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:46,138 GREAT TO SEE YA. 328 00:16:46,205 --> 00:16:48,207 THERE'S GOOD NEWS IN THE PANDEMIC BECAUSE COVID-19 IS 329 00:16:48,273 --> 00:16:48,941 ONCE AGAIN IN RETREAT. 330 00:16:49,007 --> 00:16:53,245 WOO! 331 00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:57,249 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COVID-IS-OVER! 332 00:16:57,316 --> 00:17:00,886 IS SOMETHING I'VE SAID FOUR TIMES BEFORE! 333 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,087 I WILL NOT GET MY HOPES UP! 334 00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:04,656 AS SCIENTISTS HAD PREDICTED THE NUMBER OF NEW DAILY CASES IN 335 00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:08,160 THE U.S. HAS FALLEN 35% SINCE SEPTEMBER 1. 336 00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:09,828 TURNS OUT, THE CURE FOR COVID ISN'T HORSE PASTE, IT'S 337 00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,998 PUMPKIN SPICE. 338 00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:17,202 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 339 00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,570 BUT DESPITE THIS DROP IN CASES, THE C.D.C. IS NOT RELAXING THEIR 340 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:27,546 RECOMMENDATIONS FOR HALLOWEEN AND THANKSGIVING. 341 00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,014 EVEN FOR THOSE WHO ARE FULLY VACCINATED, THE C.D.C. 342 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,783 RECOMMENDS: "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE IS 343 00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:34,620 VIRTUALLY OR WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU." 344 00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:39,725 YOU WANT US TO TRICK OR TREAT WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU? 345 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:40,692 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S JUST SNACKING! 346 00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:43,028 WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT EVERY DAY FOR 18 MONTHS. 347 00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:48,634 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 348 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:49,268 MMM, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? 349 00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:50,436 GOOD STUFF. 350 00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:51,804 THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT IF YOU INSIST ON HAVING 351 00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:55,107 THANKSGIVING DINNER INSIDE BRING IN FRESH AIR BY OPENING 352 00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:57,042 WINDOWS AND DOORS, AND USE A WINDOW FAN TO BLOW AIR OUT OF 353 00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:00,679 THE WINDOW. 354 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,182 ( LAUGHTER ) PANDEMIC OR NOT, THAT'S GREAT 355 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:03,949 ADVICE FOR THANKSGIVING. 356 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:09,054 (LOUD FAN NOISE) (TALKING OVER FAN) 357 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:09,855 "WHAT'S THAT UNCLE JACK? 358 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,956 THE MEXICANS SHOULD DO WHAT? 359 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,091 I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M PURPOSELY SITTING NEXT TO THE 360 00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:17,129 FAN. 361 00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:20,032 WHAT'S THAT ABOUT CRITICAL RACE THEORY? 362 00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:21,967 I DEFINITELY WANT TO HEAR IT. 363 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,169 WHILE I CARVE THE TURKEY WITH THIS JACKHAMMER." 364 00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:34,213 (JACKHAMMER NOISES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 365 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:42,855 (JACKHAMMER NOISES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 366 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:43,422 YOU KNOW WHO LOVES TURKEY? 367 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:46,758 DOGS. 368 00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:47,659 ( LAUGHTER ) IN PET NEWS, DOGS ARE GETTING 369 00:18:47,726 --> 00:18:49,962 STONED ON NEIGHBORHOOD WALKS. 370 00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:51,730 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY. 371 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,166 IF YOU'RE WONDERING, HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN A 372 00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:58,403 DOG IS HIGH: IT ONLY CARES ABOUT HAVING FUN AND EATING FOOD. 373 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,340 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE 374 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:04,776 MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES HAS 375 00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,812 LED TO MORE PEOPLE BUYING 376 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:09,114 EDIBLES, AND MORE PEOPLE BUYING EDIBLES HAS LED TO MORE PEOPLE 377 00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:13,118 DROPPING EDIBLES IN PLACES DOGS CAN EASILY FIND 378 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:15,187 THEM, WHICH LEADS TO DOGS INADVERTENTLY GETTING 379 00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:20,392 "BAKED." 380 00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:24,062 ( LAUGHTER ) SUDDENLY. 381 00:19:24,129 --> 00:19:28,700 SUDDENLY, THAT CLASSIC EXCUSE IS A LOT MORE PLAUSIBLE. 382 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,335 (AS KID) "MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK! BECAUSE 383 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:31,370 FIRST MY DOG ATE MY STASH. 384 00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:38,577 THEN HE THOUGHT MY HOMEWORK WAS A SALTED PRETZEL." 385 00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:41,480 NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY, BUT ONE WOMAN REPORTS THAT HER 386 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:43,315 TOY POODLE HAS BEEN TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOUR TIMES AS A 387 00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:44,483 RESULT OF EATING CANNABIS. 388 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,286 IT SURE SEEMS LIKE TREATING A HIGH DOG WOULD BE THE CUSHY 389 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,320 ASSIGNMENT AT THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL: 390 00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:51,390 (AS VETERINARIAN) "BILL, CAN YOU PLEASE GO FISH A 391 00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:59,665 LEGO OUT OF THIS ANGRY CAT'S LOWER INTESTINE? 392 00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:01,500 I WOULD HELP, BUT I GOTTA WATCH SOME "RICK AND MORTY" WITH ROSCO 393 00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,469 HERE." 394 00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,171 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 395 00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,507 ( PIANO RIFF ) ANOTHER PET OWNER SAYS THAT HE 396 00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:12,210 WAS WALKING HIS DOG, BENTLEY, AROUND HIS NEIGHBORHOOD 397 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,613 IN CALIFORNIA, WHEN THE DOG STARTED ACTING WEIRD. 398 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:15,847 HE EVEN SHARED A PIC OF BENTLEY. 399 00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:21,019 LET'S GIVE IT A LOOK: OH, YEAH... 400 00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,854 I KNOW THAT FACE. 401 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:26,291 ( LAUGHTER ) I'VE HAD THAT FACE. 402 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:30,195 THAT'S A DOG WHO JUST GOOGLED "CAN YOU BE HIGH FOREVER?" 403 00:20:30,262 --> 00:20:32,764 ( LAUGHTER ) SO PLEASE, EVERYONE, WITHIN THE 404 00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:35,267 SOUND OF MY VOICE, PLEASE KEEP YOUR POT IN A SAFE PLACE. 405 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,436 DON'T PUT IT SOMEPLACE YOUR DOG CAN FIND IT. 406 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:43,342 AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT MAIL IT TO ME -- EVEN THOUGH I HAVE 407 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:48,213 BEEN A VERY GOOD BOY. 408 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,148 WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE A SPOOKY NEW SPONSOR. 409 00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:51,717 STICK AROUND! 410 00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:13,271 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 411 00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:16,708 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"! 412 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:21,613 LOOK AT THAT BAND! 413 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,482 ♪♪ ♪♪ 414 00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:24,750 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 415 00:21:24,816 --> 00:21:27,152 ♪♪ >> Jon: YEAH! 416 00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:30,989 >> Stephen: JON, YOU KNOW WHO WE'VE GOT COMING UP IN A MINUTE, 417 00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:34,626 THE WONDERFUL JULIANNA MARGULIES IS GOING TO BE HERE IN JUST A 418 00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:36,928 MOMENT, FORMALLY OF THE CBS FAMILY. 419 00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:42,000 ( APPLAUSE ) SHE'S ON "THAT MORNING SHOW" 420 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:49,408 WITH MY FRIEND STEVE CORRELL WITH WHAT'S IT CALLED, APPLE +? 421 00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:50,008 APPLE TV+? 422 00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:50,842 IT'S ABOUT A MORNING SHOW. 423 00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,744 YOU USED TO RUN A MORNING SHOW. 424 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:53,945 HOW ACCURATE IS THAT SHOW? 425 00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,048 HOW ACCURATE IS IT, CHRIS? 426 00:21:56,114 --> 00:22:01,620 GET A CAMERA ON THIS MOTHER ( BLEEP )! 427 00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:02,854 HOW ACCURATE IS THIS? 428 00:22:02,921 --> 00:22:06,458 GET A CAMERA ON HIM, TURN A LIGHT ON THIS MAN? 429 00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:13,865 HOW ACCURATE -- AS SOMEONE WHO IS THE SHOW RUNNER OF "CBS THIS 430 00:22:13,932 --> 00:22:17,836 MORNING," HOW ACCURATE IS "THE MORNING SHOW." 431 00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:21,339 >> I THINK IT'S NOTHING THAT RESEMBLES "THE MORNING SHOW." 432 00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,208 >> Stephen: SO YOU WENT WITH LYING. 433 00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:24,109 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 434 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:24,443 THANK YOU. 435 00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:30,949 THANK YOU. 436 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,853 FOLKS, FALL IS FINALLY HERE, THERE'S CHRISTMAS IN THE 437 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:35,887 AIR, THE LEAVES ARE TURNING. 438 00:22:35,954 --> 00:22:36,888 AND THAT MEANS ONE THING: NEW SPONSORS WITH A NEW 439 00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:38,090 TELEVISION SEASON! 440 00:22:38,156 --> 00:22:40,959 WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW LOVE ALL OF OUR SPONSORS, LIKE THEY 441 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:44,029 WERE OUR CHILDREN WITH A LOT OF MONEY. 442 00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:46,565 AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT ONE NEW SPONSOR THAT 443 00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:53,905 UNDERSTANDS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. 444 00:22:53,972 --> 00:22:55,373 JIM? 445 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,641 >> HI, I'M DAVID HARBOUR. 446 00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:59,878 LET ME GUESS, YOU BOUGHT AN OLD TRUCK AND THOUGHT YOU WOULD FIX 447 00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:03,615 IT UP, BUT NOW IT JUST SITS IN YOUR GARAGE AND SOMETIMES IT 448 00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:09,621 STARTS FLASHING ITS LIGHTS AND STARTS HONKING LOUDLY ON ITS 449 00:23:09,688 --> 00:23:10,522 OWN. 450 00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:11,256 ( HONKING ) THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S HAUNTED BY 451 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:14,593 THE SPIRIT OF ITS FORMER OWNER. 452 00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:15,393 HEY -- IT HAPPENS. 453 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:18,163 WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY? 454 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:26,905 WELL, THAT'S WHERE CROG-ITS PUBLISHING COMES IN WITH THEIR 455 00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:30,242 HAUNTED TRUCK ADDICTION, THAT MEANS AVENGE ME. 456 00:23:30,308 --> 00:23:34,045 ( HONKING ) THAT'S I'M HUNGRY, I WANT A 457 00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:35,247 CALZONE. 458 00:23:35,313 --> 00:23:39,951 BUT EVERY CROG-ITS HAUNTED TRUCK TRANSLATION DICTIONARY COMES 459 00:23:40,018 --> 00:23:44,689 WITH A FREE DOWNLOAD OF OUR APP SO YOU CAN TRANSLATE AUDIO IN 460 00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:45,590 REALTIME. 461 00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:49,127 ( HONKING ) >> I MISS MY LIFE I NEED TO BE 462 00:23:49,194 --> 00:23:50,028 TOUCHED. 463 00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:53,465 SOMEBODY -- >> NOPE! 464 00:23:53,532 --> 00:23:56,802 ( APPLAUSE ) CROG-ITS HAUNTED TRUCK 465 00:23:56,868 --> 00:23:57,969 TRANSLATION DICTIONARY. 466 00:23:58,036 --> 00:24:00,338 KEEP ON TRUCKING. 467 00:24:00,405 --> 00:24:05,076 ( HONKING ) ( APPLAUSE ) 468 00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:08,446 CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP? 469 00:24:08,513 --> 00:24:11,783 ( HONKING ) SHUT UP! 470 00:24:11,850 --> 00:24:13,385 ( HONKING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, DAVID 471 00:24:13,451 --> 00:24:14,319 HARBOUR! 472 00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:17,088 BACK WITH JULIANNA MARGULIES! 473 00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:22,260 THOSE OF US IN THE NEWS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS CONSIDER 474 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,529 YOURSELF THE NEWS -OH OH, WE DO. 475 00:24:24,596 --> 00:24:27,432 NOW I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE A HOAKY IDEALIST, BUT CAN WE LOOK 476 00:24:27,499 --> 00:24:30,268 FORWARD TO THE DAY WHERE WE CAN TAKE THE BIGGEST BLEEP 477 00:24:30,335 --> 00:24:31,269 IMAGINABLE TO THEIR GRAVE. 478 00:24:31,336 --> 00:24:32,404 TAKE THE WHAT? 479 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,840 MAKE THEM MAD, AND THEY WILL SHUT YOUR BUISNESS ON FIRE. 480 00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:39,744 AND THAT SIGNALS THE REPUBLICANS NOT GIVING A BLEEP 481 00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:41,613 ROB THAT'S KINKY AND I LIKE IT. -YEAH 482 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,150 EVERYTHING THAT ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE DESCRIBING IS ABSOLUTELY 483 00:24:45,217 --> 00:24:45,951 RIDICULOUS. 484 00:24:46,017 --> 00:24:47,152 THANK YOU! 485 00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:49,921 STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS TUNING OUT THE NEWS, TWO HALF HOUR 486 00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:52,524 EPISODES EVERY FRIDAY STARTING OCTOBER 8TH. 487 00:24:52,591 --> 00:24:54,025 ONLY ON PARAMOUNT+ 488 00:25:00,198 --> 00:25:05,270 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 489 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:08,039 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 490 00:25:08,106 --> 00:25:11,142 JUST TALKING TO MY BUDDY OVER HERE. 491 00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:12,410 HEY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW-GRAM. 492 00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:13,712 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A THREE-TIME EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS YOU 493 00:25:13,778 --> 00:25:15,580 KNOW FROM "THE GOOD WIFE" AND "ER." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO 494 00:25:15,647 --> 00:25:21,720 "THE LATE SHOW," JULIANNA MARGULIES! 495 00:25:21,786 --> 00:25:31,763 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 496 00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:42,607 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 497 00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:44,643 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU! 498 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:49,080 IT IS SO NICE TO -- IFNTD BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE 499 00:25:49,147 --> 00:25:50,849 IN -- >> Stephen: THAT'S ONE OF MY 500 00:25:50,916 --> 00:25:52,217 FAVORITE THINGS. 501 00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:53,718 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN TELL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE 502 00:25:53,785 --> 00:25:57,656 NOT ACTUALLY BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE SINCE COVID BEGAN 503 00:25:57,722 --> 00:26:01,459 WHEN THEY COME OUT HERE BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE, MY 504 00:26:01,526 --> 00:26:02,360 FRIENDS! 505 00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:03,929 >> OH, MY GOD MY HEART'S BEATING A LITTLE. 506 00:26:03,995 --> 00:26:05,230 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 507 00:26:05,297 --> 00:26:06,331 SO NICE! 508 00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:08,233 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEY CAME JUST FOR 509 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:08,934 YOU. 510 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,403 WE SHIPPED THEM IN JUST FOR YOU. 511 00:26:11,469 --> 00:26:12,070 >> SURE. 512 00:26:12,137 --> 00:26:12,737 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOUR LIFE. 513 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:14,539 HERE'S THE THING -- >> YES. 514 00:26:14,606 --> 00:26:16,441 >> Stephen: -- SPEAKING OF COVID, THE LAST TIME YOU WERE 515 00:26:16,508 --> 00:26:20,011 HERE WAS IN MAY OF 2019, SO A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS AGO. 516 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:25,150 YOU WERE STARTING IN A GEOSERIES CALLED -- 517 00:26:25,216 --> 00:26:26,284 >> THE HOT ZONE. 518 00:26:26,351 --> 00:26:29,187 >> Stephen: ABOUT AN ELBA OUTBREAK ABOUT PANDEMICS. 519 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:33,925 THIS IS A PICTURE OF YOU IN YOUR OUTFIT FROM -- 520 00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:35,093 >> SEXY! 521 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,162 >> Stephen: BUT HERE'S THE CRAZY THING, I SAW A CLIP TODAY, 522 00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:40,966 THIS IS, AGAIN, MAY OF 2019, THIS IS ALMOST A YEAR BEFORE THE 523 00:26:41,032 --> 00:26:43,301 COVID OUTBREAK. 524 00:26:43,368 --> 00:26:44,269 THIS -- >> YES. 525 00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:45,470 >> Stephen: THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID. 526 00:26:45,537 --> 00:26:48,573 >> IT'S NOT ABOUT WHEN THIS IS -- IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN 527 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,142 ON THE U.S. SOIL AGAIN, IT'S WHEN. 528 00:26:51,209 --> 00:26:52,978 WHAT I'M -- STAY WITH ME. 529 00:26:53,044 --> 00:26:58,083 ( LAUGHTER ) SO SHEDDING LIGHT ON IT, IT'S ON 530 00:26:58,149 --> 00:27:00,352 THE COVER OF THE "NEW YORK TIMES" TODAY, FOR THE FIRST 531 00:27:00,418 --> 00:27:03,288 TIME, WHERE USUALLY IT'S BACK ON PAGE 18. 532 00:27:03,355 --> 00:27:04,522 >> Stephen: SURE. 533 00:27:04,589 --> 00:27:07,359 FINALLY, WE'RE SHEDDING LIGHT ON A GLOBAL PROBLEM, AND WE NEED 534 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:11,830 TO SUPPORT OUR SCIENTISTS AND STOP DENYING SCIENCE. 535 00:27:11,896 --> 00:27:21,706 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW. 536 00:27:21,773 --> 00:27:22,240 WOW. 537 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:23,341 >> THEY DIDN'T LISTEN. 538 00:27:23,408 --> 00:27:26,011 >> Stephen: WE NEVER LISTEN TO YOU, JULIANNA MARGULIES! 539 00:27:26,077 --> 00:27:28,246 >> I MEAN, THAT'S AMAZING. 540 00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:29,981 THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I DID A TALK SHOW. 541 00:27:30,048 --> 00:27:33,318 >> Stephen: AND, SO -- DID YOU HAVE A HEAD START WHEN THE 542 00:27:33,385 --> 00:27:34,185 PANDEMIC STARTED? 543 00:27:34,252 --> 00:27:35,420 WERE YOU READY? 544 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,389 DID YOU SAVE THIS OUTFIT? 545 00:27:37,455 --> 00:27:39,891 DID YOU HAVE THIS READY TO GO WHEN IT HIT? 546 00:27:39,958 --> 00:27:44,963 >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SO THAT OUTFIT WAS NOT SO BAD. 547 00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:50,635 THE HAZMAT SUIT WHICH WEIGHED 350 POUNDS AND WAS SO 548 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:51,736 UNCOMFORTABLE -- >> Stephen: IS THAT THE YELLOW 549 00:27:51,803 --> 00:27:52,871 THING. 550 00:27:52,937 --> 00:27:56,174 >> IT WAS BLUE AND HAD A FAN AND IT WAS HORRIBLE, AND I'M 551 00:27:56,241 --> 00:27:57,842 CLAUSTROPHOBIC, SO THAT WASN'T FUN. 552 00:27:57,909 --> 00:28:02,714 WHEN I GOT ON "THE MORNING SHOW" AND GOT ON MY FIRST FLIGHT AFTER 553 00:28:02,781 --> 00:28:07,018 EIGHT MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN, I JUST DREAMED -- I WAS, LIKE, OF ALL 554 00:28:07,085 --> 00:28:11,222 THE COSTUMES I DIDN'T TAKE, WHY WOULDN'T I HAVE TAKEN THAT 555 00:28:11,289 --> 00:28:15,560 RUBBER HAZMAT SUIT SO I COULD FLY ON A PLANE -- 556 00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:18,696 >> Stephen: YOU CAN PUT A MARTINNIZEING BAG ON YOUR HEAD 557 00:28:18,763 --> 00:28:23,835 AND A RUBBER BAND AROUND YOUR NECK, THAT WORKS, TOO. 558 00:28:23,902 --> 00:28:24,736 >> THAT WORKS. 559 00:28:24,803 --> 00:28:28,273 >> Stephen: YOU WERE PRODUCTIVE OVER COVID. 560 00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:28,940 >> YES. 561 00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:29,641 >> Stephen: YOU WROTE A BOOK. 562 00:28:29,707 --> 00:28:30,809 I DID. 563 00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:36,247 >> Stephen: A MEMOIR "SUNSHINE GIRL: AN UNEXPECTED LIFE." 564 00:28:36,314 --> 00:28:39,150 IS IT TRUE THIS BOOK WAS ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE JUST 565 00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:43,922 ABOUT SET ETIQUETTE, LIKE THE SET KIT YOU SHOULD HAVE WHEN 566 00:28:43,988 --> 00:28:46,257 YOU'RE ON A FILM OR TELEVISION SET? 567 00:28:46,324 --> 00:28:47,125 >> YES. 568 00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:47,826 >> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. 569 00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:48,660 >> IT'S NOT IN HERE. 570 00:28:48,726 --> 00:28:50,929 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT IN HERE AT ALL. 571 00:28:50,995 --> 00:28:55,567 WHAT DID YOU PUBLISHER SAY WHEN YOU SAID I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK 572 00:28:55,633 --> 00:28:57,368 AT SET ETIQUETTE? 573 00:28:57,435 --> 00:29:03,641 >> WHEN I WAS ON "THE GOOD WIFE," I WORKED WITH THE AMAZING 574 00:29:03,708 --> 00:29:06,411 MICHAEL J. FOX. 575 00:29:06,478 --> 00:29:09,047 IT'S HARD BEING ON A SET. 576 00:29:09,114 --> 00:29:14,752 I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE, I'M NOT COMPLAINING, BUT IT'S HARD 577 00:29:14,819 --> 00:29:18,189 WORK, AND NOT JUST FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE. 578 00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:21,726 IT'S A COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE AND NOTHING WORKS WITHOUT EVERYONE, 579 00:29:21,793 --> 00:29:24,229 CREW, CAST, PRODUCERS, EVERYBODY. 580 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:28,399 AND I WOULD SIT BACK WHEN THEY WERE LIGHTING AT A COURTROOM 581 00:29:28,466 --> 00:29:32,337 SCENE AND MICHAEL J. FOX WOULD BE AT A COUNCIL TABLE AND I 582 00:29:32,403 --> 00:29:37,642 WOULD BE WATCHING A COUPLE OF MELTDOWNS AND PEOPLE BEHAVING 583 00:29:37,709 --> 00:29:46,985 BADLY AND I WOULD TRY -- I WOULD GET EMBARRASSED AND TRY NOT TO 584 00:29:47,051 --> 00:29:48,820 SAY ANYTHING AND BREATHE AND GET THROUGH IT. 585 00:29:48,887 --> 00:29:51,422 I LOOKED OVER AND HE SAID, YOU'RE LOOKING AT PEOPLE WHO 586 00:29:51,489 --> 00:29:52,257 DON'T UNDERSTAND. 587 00:29:52,323 --> 00:29:54,826 I SAID, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BEHAVIOR. 588 00:29:54,893 --> 00:29:55,960 IT'S DISGUSTING. 589 00:29:56,027 --> 00:29:58,863 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE ESSENTIALS OF SET ETIQUETTES YOU 590 00:29:58,930 --> 00:30:00,532 THINK SHOULD BE TOLD ON DAY ONE. 591 00:30:00,598 --> 00:30:05,803 >> MY THREE FIRST THINGS, BE ON TIME, KNOW YOUR LINES, AND DON'T 592 00:30:05,870 --> 00:30:06,371 COMPLAIN. 593 00:30:06,437 --> 00:30:07,205 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 594 00:30:07,272 --> 00:30:07,672 THAT'S IT. 595 00:30:07,739 --> 00:30:09,474 I WAS A WAITRESS. 596 00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:11,442 I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE. 597 00:30:11,509 --> 00:30:17,749 THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED SUNSHINE GIRL: AN UNEXPECTED LIFE ." 598 00:30:17,815 --> 00:30:19,584 I NEVER EXPECTED THIS LIFE. 599 00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,452 HAYED A CRAZY CHILDHOOD. 600 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:25,690 I WROTE NINE CHAPTERS AND MY AGENT SAID -- I INTERWOVE IT 601 00:30:25,757 --> 00:30:29,627 WITH SET ETIQUETTE AND HOW IT GOT STARTED AND I WOULD DO A 602 00:30:29,694 --> 00:30:32,463 LITTLE CHILDHOOD MEMORY, CENTER THE NINE CHAPTERS. 603 00:30:32,530 --> 00:30:37,268 AND SHE GOES, SO ACTING HANDBOOKS DON'T SELL, BUT YOUR 604 00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:38,570 LIFE WAS CRAZY! 605 00:30:38,636 --> 00:30:39,804 WRITE THAT! 606 00:30:39,871 --> 00:30:41,940 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 607 00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:43,908 >> OKAY. 608 00:30:43,975 --> 00:30:45,410 >> Stephen: BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 609 00:30:45,476 --> 00:30:48,713 WHEN WE COME BACK, JULIANNA ARE GOING TO TRADE WAITRESS AND 610 00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:49,981 BARTENDING STORIES. 611 00:30:50,048 --> 00:30:54,052 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 612 00:31:15,206 --> 00:31:17,542 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 613 00:31:17,609 --> 00:31:20,812 >> Stephen: OH, THIS IS THE LIFE! 614 00:31:20,878 --> 00:31:21,946 HEY, EVERYBODY! 615 00:31:22,013 --> 00:31:24,349 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE MORNING SHOW," JULIANNA 616 00:31:24,415 --> 00:31:25,550 MARGULIES. 617 00:31:25,617 --> 00:31:28,953 WERE YOU AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE STUCK IN THE WAITRESSING 618 00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:30,154 GAME FOR YEARS? 619 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:34,259 BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND YOU DID THAT FOR YEARS, AND YOU CAN FEEL 620 00:31:34,325 --> 00:31:37,328 LIKE THIS, BECAUSE I DID IT FOR MANY YEARS. 621 00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:42,467 YOU FEEL LIKE, I NEVER WILL GET BEYOND THIS AND ADJUST TO ACTING 622 00:31:42,533 --> 00:31:43,501 FOR A LIVING. 623 00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:45,036 >> YEAH, I HAD STEPS FOR MYSELF. 624 00:31:45,103 --> 00:31:49,274 I THINK YOU MAY HAVE WAITED ON TABLES A LITTLE LONGER THAN I -- 625 00:31:49,340 --> 00:31:51,509 >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU WAIT ON TABLES. 626 00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:53,144 >> EVERY SUMMER FROM AGE 18. 627 00:31:53,211 --> 00:31:54,379 >> Stephen: DOESN'T COUNT. 628 00:31:54,445 --> 00:32:01,052 AFTER COLLEGE, I WAITED PROFESSIONALLY AND BARTENDED AND 629 00:32:01,119 --> 00:32:03,621 CHECKED COATS SIX MONTHS BEFORE I GOT MY FIRST MOVIE. 630 00:32:03,688 --> 00:32:10,862 >> Stephen: I -- HATE YOU. 631 00:32:10,928 --> 00:32:11,829 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 632 00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:13,431 FIVE YEARS. 633 00:32:13,498 --> 00:32:16,100 I WAITED TABLES FIVE YEARS. 634 00:32:16,167 --> 00:32:19,003 >> DON'T YOU THINK -- I REALLY DO BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE -- 635 00:32:19,070 --> 00:32:20,271 >> Stephen: YEAH. 636 00:32:20,338 --> 00:32:24,676 -- EVERYONE I WORKED WITH WHO HAS COME FROM SOME SORT OF 637 00:32:24,742 --> 00:32:27,945 SERVICE INDUSTRY, WAITING ON TABLES, HOTEL, ANY KIND OF 638 00:32:28,012 --> 00:32:34,419 SERVICE INDUSTRY, THEY HAVE A WORK ETHIC I UNDERSTAND. 639 00:32:34,485 --> 00:32:36,254 >> Stephen: ALSO, YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT. 640 00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:37,422 >> OF COURSE. 641 00:32:37,488 --> 00:32:40,058 >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ANSWER IN KIND IF SOMEONE'S 642 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:41,826 CRUEL TO YOU. 643 00:32:41,893 --> 00:32:43,328 >> THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. 644 00:32:43,394 --> 00:32:44,262 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 645 00:32:44,329 --> 00:32:46,164 THAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE A COUPLE OF TIMES. 646 00:32:46,230 --> 00:32:48,700 >> Stephen: YOU BARTENDED, THAT WAS A GOOD GIG. 647 00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:50,601 >> SO YOU BARTENDED? 648 00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:51,803 >> Stephen: YEP. 649 00:32:51,869 --> 00:32:54,339 WHAT I LOVE ABOUT BARTENDING IS EVERYONE WANTS THEIR DRINK SO 650 00:32:54,405 --> 00:32:55,540 THEY'RE NICE TO YOU. 651 00:32:55,606 --> 00:33:01,379 >> Stephen: RIGHT, THEY WANT TO CATCH YOUR EYE WITH A SMILE. 652 00:33:01,446 --> 00:33:07,218 >> THEY WANT ALCOHOL, AND THEY CAN'T TOUCH YOU BECAUSE A BAR IS 653 00:33:07,285 --> 00:33:08,052 THERE. 654 00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:10,288 WHEN YOU WAITRESS, THEY CAN TOUCH YOU. 655 00:33:10,355 --> 00:33:13,257 WHEN YOU'RE BEHIND A BAR, YOU'RE A GOD. 656 00:33:13,324 --> 00:33:20,465 I WAS A TERRIBLE BARTENDER, I WAS AWFUL. 657 00:33:20,531 --> 00:33:22,300 >> Stephen: ME, TOO. 658 00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:26,437 I WOULD SHAKE THE MARGARITA AND RUN IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF 659 00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:27,405 THE BAR. 660 00:33:27,472 --> 00:33:28,606 >> Stephen: YOU COULDN'T HEAR THE COMPLAINTS. 661 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,808 >> I WAS GREAT WITH THE GIN AND TONIC. 662 00:33:30,875 --> 00:33:35,613 >> Stephen: IF THE NAME OF THE DRINK IS WITH INSTRUCTIONS, 663 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:36,714 YOU'RE FINE. 664 00:33:36,781 --> 00:33:37,915 ( APPLAUSE ) >> RIGHT. 665 00:33:37,982 --> 00:33:41,119 >> Stephen: BUT THE TIPS ARE GREAT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DRUNK. 666 00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:45,423 >> THEY'RE DRUNK AND THEY WANT YOU TO KEEP POURING AND IF YOU 667 00:33:45,490 --> 00:33:49,927 BORE A BIG POURER, THE DRUNKER THEY GET, THE MORE MONEY THEY 668 00:33:49,994 --> 00:33:52,163 LEAVE AND THEY STILL CAN'T TOUCH YOU. 669 00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:56,100 >> Stephen: HERE'S MY TRICK, YOU'RE THE PERSON I'M BARTENDING 670 00:33:56,167 --> 00:34:01,272 FOR, YOU'VE ORDERED A DRINK, I'VE GIVEN YOU THE DRINK, YOU 671 00:34:01,339 --> 00:34:08,980 PUT A 20 DOWN, I GIVE YOU YOUR CHANGE, AND YOU MAY GET ANOTHER 672 00:34:09,046 --> 00:34:10,214 DRINK. 673 00:34:10,281 --> 00:34:12,383 I WOULD GO DOWN THE BAR WITH A RAG AND GET TO YOUR THING AND I 674 00:34:12,450 --> 00:34:14,685 COULD GO, SORRY! 675 00:34:14,752 --> 00:34:17,054 I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THIS, IS THIS FOR ME? 676 00:34:17,121 --> 00:34:21,392 I DON'T WANT TO -- AND THEY'D GO, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND 677 00:34:21,459 --> 00:34:23,928 THERE'S LIKE 15 ( BLEEP ) BUCK RIGHT THERE. 678 00:34:23,995 --> 00:34:27,298 THEY'RE DRUNK, THEY DON'T REMEMBER. 679 00:34:27,365 --> 00:34:28,366 ( APPLAUSE ) >> IT'S AMAZING. 680 00:34:28,433 --> 00:34:28,933 >> Stephen: OKAY. 681 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,668 YOU'RE ON A GREAT SHOW. 682 00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:34,205 I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU YET, I'VE ONLY SEEN THE FIRST EPISODE. 683 00:34:34,272 --> 00:34:36,774 SEASON TWO OF "THE MORNING SHOW." 684 00:34:36,841 --> 00:34:37,608 >> YES. 685 00:34:37,675 --> 00:34:39,644 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP RIGHT HERE. 686 00:34:39,710 --> 00:34:42,580 YOU COME IN, IN EPISODE THREE, I BELIEVE. 687 00:34:42,647 --> 00:34:43,147 >> YEP. 688 00:34:43,214 --> 00:34:44,348 >> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU? 689 00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:49,187 MY NAME IS LAURA PETERSEN, A JOURNALLEST, SORT OF LIKE DIANE 690 00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:53,257 SAWYER AT ABC, SHE HAS HER ONE-HOUR NIGHTLY NEWS SHOW. 691 00:34:53,324 --> 00:34:57,161 IT'S GONE ON FOR SO LONG AND BEEN SO SUCCESSFUL SHE CAN COME 692 00:34:57,228 --> 00:34:59,530 AND GO AS SHE LIKES. 693 00:34:59,597 --> 00:35:02,967 SHE'S THE BIG PRESENCE THEY BRING IN TO INTERVIEW PRESIDENTS 694 00:35:03,034 --> 00:35:05,536 AND CELEBRITIES. 695 00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:15,146 SHE'S BEEN ASKED BY BILLY CRUDUP'S CHARACTER AND SAID CAN 696 00:35:15,213 --> 00:35:18,416 YOU INTERVIEW ALEX AND BRADLEY BECAUSE THEY'RE COMING BACK TO 697 00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:19,584 THE MORNING SHOW? 698 00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:24,288 >> Stephen: REESE WITHERSPOON AND JENNIFER ANISTON. 699 00:35:24,355 --> 00:35:25,523 >> YES. 700 00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:29,494 REESE'S CHARACTER NEVER MET ME, I'M AN ICON TO HER, I'M THE IT 701 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,695 GIRL. 702 00:35:30,761 --> 00:35:32,363 JENNIFER ANISTON AND I HAVE A LONG HISTORY TOGETHER AND YOU 703 00:35:32,430 --> 00:35:34,565 DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT THAT IS AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY 704 00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:37,168 THE ENDING BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NINE EPISODES TO GO. 705 00:35:37,235 --> 00:35:39,036 >> Stephen: SURE. 706 00:35:39,103 --> 00:35:43,708 BUT IT'S REALLY FUN, AND IT'S -- >> Stephen: AND THIS IS WHERE 707 00:35:43,774 --> 00:35:48,312 YOU TWO ARE MEETING, YOU AND REESE? 708 00:35:48,379 --> 00:35:52,149 >> I AM ASKED TO GO WITH REESE TO THE IOWA CAUCUSES, AND I SAY 709 00:35:52,216 --> 00:35:56,754 TO COREY, BASICALLY, I'D RATHER HAVE PINS IN MY EYES. 710 00:35:56,821 --> 00:36:00,992 >> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN TO THE IOWA CAUCUSES? 711 00:36:01,058 --> 00:36:01,792 >> HAVE YOU. 712 00:36:01,859 --> 00:36:02,627 >> Stephen: YES. 713 00:36:02,693 --> 00:36:03,528 AS BORING AS THEY SAY. 714 00:36:03,594 --> 00:36:05,129 >> Stephen: WATCH THE CLIP. 715 00:36:05,196 --> 00:36:06,030 OKAY. 716 00:36:06,097 --> 00:36:07,465 THE POINT IS YOU SURPRISE ME IN A GOOD WAY. 717 00:36:07,532 --> 00:36:09,333 >> I DID? 718 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:10,001 YEAH! 719 00:36:10,067 --> 00:36:16,073 YOU WERE A DINE AMO OUT THERE. 720 00:36:16,140 --> 00:36:20,244 IT'S A SIDE OF YOU I NEVER SAW OF YOU ON TMS. 721 00:36:20,311 --> 00:36:21,812 DO THEY KNOW YOU'RE FUN? 722 00:36:21,879 --> 00:36:23,247 >> I USED TO BE FUN. 723 00:36:23,314 --> 00:36:27,418 THAT'S HOW I GOT PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 15. 724 00:36:27,485 --> 00:36:30,054 >> DOESN'T SOUND MUCH FUN TO ME, PROBABLY JUST A MATTER OF TASTE. 725 00:36:30,121 --> 00:36:33,824 POINT IS, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE USING YOU IN THE RIGHT WAY. 726 00:36:33,891 --> 00:36:35,026 >> REALLY? 727 00:36:35,092 --> 00:36:38,963 YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE WHO STAY ON "THE MORNING SHOW" FOREVER 728 00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:43,768 ARE A KIND OF THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. 729 00:36:43,834 --> 00:36:46,470 YOU'RE BIGGER THAN THAT. 730 00:36:48,139 --> 00:36:51,242 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOOK FORWARD TO 731 00:36:51,309 --> 00:36:51,909 IT. 732 00:36:51,976 --> 00:36:52,977 >> IT'S SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU. 733 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,445 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 734 00:36:54,512 --> 00:36:56,914 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME >> STEPHEN: SEASON TWO OF "THE 735 00:36:56,981 --> 00:36:59,517 MORNING SHOW" IS STREAMING ON APPLE TV+, WITH NEW 736 00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:01,285 EPISODES EVERY FRIDAY. 737 00:37:01,352 --> 00:37:02,787 JULIANNA MARGULIES EVERYBODY! 738 00:37:02,853 --> 00:37:05,122 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY 739 00:37:05,189 --> 00:37:07,258 TOBY KEITH. 740 00:37:14,799 --> 00:37:17,101 >> STEPHEN: PERFORMING "OLD SCHOOL," FROM HIS FORTHCOMING 741 00:37:17,168 --> 00:37:21,405 ALBUM, "PESO IN MY POCKET," TOBY KEITH! 742 00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:28,279 >> GOT A NEW ♪ ♪ ♪ 743 00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:29,113 ALBUM OUT CALLED "PESO IN MY POCKET." 744 00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:29,647 THIS IS THE FIRST. 745 00:37:29,714 --> 00:37:33,050 LET'S GET OLD SCHOOL. 746 00:37:33,117 --> 00:37:34,185 ♪ YEAH, BACK IN THE HIGH SCHOOL, YEAH, THEY'RE SO COOL 747 00:37:34,251 --> 00:37:39,557 ♪ LETTERMAN JACKETS IN THE PARKIN' LOT 748 00:37:39,624 --> 00:37:40,758 ♪ DRAGGIN' ON A CAMEL LIGHT, BACK BEHIND THE FIVE AND DIME 749 00:37:40,825 --> 00:37:42,927 ♪ PRAYIN' THAT THEY NEVER GET CAUGHT 750 00:37:42,994 --> 00:37:45,529 ♪ EVERYBODY'S GONNA FISH FRY SATURDAY NIGHT 751 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:48,733 ♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU CALL ONE, GOTTA CALL 'EM ALL 752 00:37:48,799 --> 00:37:51,569 ♪ CRUISIN' DOWN THE MAIN STREET, DRIVING THROUGH THE DAIRY QUEEN 753 00:37:51,636 --> 00:37:54,271 ♪ AIN'T GOT A WAL-MART, AIN'T GOT A MALL 754 00:37:54,338 --> 00:37:57,308 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'RE OLD SCHOOL, 755 00:37:57,375 --> 00:38:02,780 SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND ♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, 756 00:38:02,847 --> 00:38:06,951 GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS ♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, 757 00:38:07,018 --> 00:38:09,153 LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH ♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE 758 00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:14,425 FEELS ABOUT RIGHT ♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, 759 00:38:14,492 --> 00:38:22,900 JUST THE WAY WE LIKE ♪ ♪ ♪ 760 00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:25,736 ♪ MARRIED BY 19, TWO PAWN SHOP RINGS 761 00:38:25,803 --> 00:38:28,606 ♪ AIN'T A BIG CITY, BUT IT SURE IS NICE 762 00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:31,575 ♪ BLUE COLLAR, SIX PACK, WORK HARD, LAID BACK 763 00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:34,445 ♪ SITTIN' ON THE FRONT PORCH, DRIVE ON BY 764 00:38:34,512 --> 00:38:37,148 ♪ PICKIN' ON A SIX STRING, LIVIN' ON A SHOESTRING 765 00:38:37,214 --> 00:38:40,184 ♪ AIN'T GOT MUCH, BUT WE DON'T CARE 766 00:38:40,251 --> 00:38:44,188 ♪ NEEDLE ON A RECORD DON'T GET ANY BETTER LIKE WHOA, BABY, 767 00:38:44,255 --> 00:38:45,690 ♪ WE'RE HALFWAY THERE ♪ ♪ ♪ 768 00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:50,761 ♪ WE'RE OLD SCHOOL, SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND 769 00:38:50,828 --> 00:38:56,400 ♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS 770 00:38:56,467 --> 00:38:59,570 ♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH 771 00:38:59,637 --> 00:39:02,440 ♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FEELS ABOUT RIGHT 772 00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:07,778 ♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE 773 00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:19,557 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 774 00:39:19,623 --> 00:39:25,029 ♪ EVERYBODY SAY OLD SCHOOL, SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND 775 00:39:25,096 --> 00:39:30,668 ♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS 776 00:39:30,735 --> 00:39:33,704 ♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH 777 00:39:33,771 --> 00:39:36,540 ♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FEELS ABOUT RIGHT 778 00:39:36,607 --> 00:39:41,912 ♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE 779 00:39:41,979 --> 00:39:45,583 ♪ YEAH, WE'RE KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, 780 00:39:45,649 --> 00:39:47,718 ♪ IT'S A SMALL TOWN STICKIN' AROUND 781 00:39:47,785 --> 00:39:53,524 ♪ JUST LIKE FOLKS USED TO, GOOD OL' BOYS AND GIRLS 782 00:39:53,591 --> 00:39:56,360 ♪ JUST FALLIN' IN LOVE, LIVIN' THE LIFE, YEAH 783 00:39:56,427 --> 00:39:59,463 ♪ MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FEELS ABOUT RIGHT 784 00:39:59,530 --> 00:40:05,669 ♪ KEEPIN' IT OLD SCHOOL, JUST THE WAY WE LIKE 785 00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:11,709 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ OLD SCHOOL 786 00:40:11,776 --> 00:40:21,752 OLD SCHOOL ♪ 787 00:40:21,819 --> 00:40:29,393 OLD SCHOOL ♪ 788 00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:30,394 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: TOBY KEITH 789 00:40:30,461 --> 00:40:31,028 EVERYBODY! 790 00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,129 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 791 00:40:32,196 --> 00:40:33,063 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE MICHAEL KEATON. 792 00:40:33,130 --> 00:40:34,632 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 793 00:40:34,698 --> 00:40:35,332 GOODNIGHT. 794 00:40:35,399 --> 00:40:35,699 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )