1 00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,337 >> THE CAPITOL HEARING, SO MANY HAVE CIRCLED ON THEIR CALENDARS. 2 00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:07,607 GENERAL MARK MILLEY ANSWERING QUESTIONS UNDER OATH. 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:10,510 HE'LL BE ASKED ABOUT HIS ACTIONS IN THE LAST DAYS OF THE 4 00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:11,644 TRUMP PRESIDENCY. 5 00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:12,679 >> INCLUDING CALLS TO HIS CHINESE COUNTERPARTS TO ASSURE 6 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:17,250 THEM THE UNITED STATES WAS NOT PLANNING AN ATTACK. 7 00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:19,652 SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCUSED MILLEY OF TREASON. 8 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:21,654 >> HE NEEDS TO RESIGN, AND IF HE WON'T RESIGN, HE NEEDS TO BE 9 00:00:21,721 --> 00:00:24,257 FIRED. 10 00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:11,805 >> I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR QUESTIONS, AND THANK YOU, 11 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,072 CHAIRMAN, FOR THE EXTRA TIME. 12 00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:17,977 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 13 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:22,816 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 14 00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:34,727 DREW CAREY AND PHOEBE ROBINSON 15 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:39,132 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 16 00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:43,102 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 17 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:47,140 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 18 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:59,118 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 19 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:07,160 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU'VE KNOT TO 20 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:17,637 REHEARSE. 21 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:18,304 HEY! 22 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:19,105 HELLO. 23 00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:20,507 HELLO. 24 00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:23,109 HELLO. 25 00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:23,543 HELLO. 26 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:24,911 HEY, EVERYBODY. 27 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,679 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 28 00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:27,380 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 29 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:34,487 AND I JUST-- ( APPLAUSE ) 30 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:35,188 I JUST WANT TO SAY: DON'T PANIC. 31 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,156 EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE. 32 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,125 THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT COLLAPSING... 33 00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,694 UNTIL THURSDAY. 34 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:44,430 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, SENATE 35 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,100 REPUBLICANS SANK DEMOCRATS' PLANS TO FUND THE GOVERNMENT AND 36 00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:50,136 RAISE THE DEBT CEILING. 37 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,305 AND I UNDERSTAND THAT THE DEBT CEILING IS NOT THE SEXIEST 38 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:55,108 TOPIC-- THAT, AS EVER, IS MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY. 39 00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:56,342 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF THIS DOESN'T GET RESOLVED 40 00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:59,712 BY THURSDAY NIGHT, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL OFFICIALLY CLOSE 41 00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:02,815 AS OF 12:01 A.M. ON FRIDAY. 42 00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:05,084 ( BOOING ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 43 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:10,657 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS? 44 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:11,724 NO SECURITY GUARDS WORKING AT THE SMITHSONIAN. 45 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:13,626 IT'S TIME FOR THE BIGGEST HEIST IN HISTORY. 46 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:14,193 I'M STEALING LINCOLN'S HAT! 47 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,228 NIC CAGE, CALL ME. 48 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:23,002 LEGEND HAS IT IT'S FILLED WITH CARAMEL CORN. 49 00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:25,238 BUT THE SHUTDOWN ISN'T REALLY BAD NEWS. 50 00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:28,541 NOT THE BADDEST OF THE BAD NEWS. 51 00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:31,711 THAT WOULD BE THE DEBT CEILING. 52 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,246 YOU SEE, AFTER THE VOTE, CONGRESS GOT A STERN LETTER FROM 53 00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:34,747 TREASURY SECRETARY AND DRAMA TEACHER AT HOGWARTS, JANET 54 00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:35,882 YELLEN. 55 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,284 YELLEN WARNED THAT IF THE CONGRESS DOESN'T TAKE ACTION, 56 00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:43,723 THE U.S. WILL DEFAULT ON ITS DEBTS BY OCTOBER 18. 57 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,758 THAT IS GOING TO RUIN THE SACRED MONTH OF ROCKTOBER! 58 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,727 HOW ARE WE GOING TO FUND GETTING THE LED OUT... 59 00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:50,263 OF THE DRINKING WATER? 60 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,031 ( LAUGHTER ) THE UNITED STATES HAS NEVER 61 00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:55,702 DEFAULTED ON ITS DEBT IN ITS ENTIRE HISTORY. 62 00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:58,571 AND THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THAT. 63 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,206 ADEFAULT WOULD BE FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON. 64 00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,275 IT'S COMPLETE CRAZINESS TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE THE IDEA. 65 00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:03,343 INTEREST RATES WOULD SPIKE. 66 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:05,244 THE VALUE OF THE U.S. DOLLAR WOULD DECLINE. 67 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:08,281 THE COST OF AUTO AND HOME LOANS WOULD RISE. 68 00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:11,718 THE UNITED STATES COULD PLUNGE INTO AN IMMEDIATE RECESSION. 69 00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:15,722 THERE WOULD BE CASCADING JOB LOSSES, A NEAR-FREEZE IN CREDIT 70 00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,591 MARKETS, AND GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCT TAKING A TANGIBLE HIT 71 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:23,329 THAT COULD LAST FOR MULTIPLE QUARTERS. 72 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:24,564 MULTIPLE QUARTERS, BY THE WAY, WOULD ALSO BE ALL THE MONEY OUR 73 00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:26,265 COUNTRY HAS LEFT. 74 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:34,273 ( LAUGHTER ) WE WOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO DO ONE 75 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:35,708 LOAD OF LAUNDRY, BUT THEN WE GOTTA HANG DRY. 76 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,977 SO WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP? 77 00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,412 WELL, SURPRISE, IT'S SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND THE GREAT 78 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:47,253 GOBLIN FOR THE HOBBIT-- NOT SURE IF YOU'RE BOOING FOR McCONNELL 79 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,855 OR THE HOBBIT. 80 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,924 THEY'RE BOTH BALD GUYS. 81 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,126 McCONNELL GOT EVERY SINGLE REPUBLICAN IN THE SENATE TO 82 00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:55,028 OPPOSE RAISING THE DEBT CEILING BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT 83 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,663 DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE TO RAISE IT WITH NO REPUBLICAN VOTES 84 00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:58,731 AND JUSTIFIED THAT BY SAYING THIS: 85 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,633 >> BIPARTISANSHIP IS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH-- A LIGHT SWITCH 86 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,703 THAT DEMOCRATS GET TO FLIP ON WHEN THEY NEED TO BORROW MONEY 87 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:08,675 AND SWITCH OFF WHEN THEY WANT TO SPEND MONEY. 88 00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:11,244 >> Stephen: "YES, BIPARTISANSHIP IS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH. 89 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,679 IT'S A PELOTON BIKE. 90 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:21,054 ( LAUGHTER ) WE TALK A LOT ABOUT HAVING IT, 91 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,525 BUT WE NEVER ACTUALLY TURN IT ON. 92 00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:27,960 IT DOES MAKE A NICE COAT RACK." 93 00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:32,532 ( APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE IS A PLAN "B" FOR THE 94 00:05:32,598 --> 00:05:35,268 DEBT CEILING. 95 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:37,904 HOUSE SPEAKER, NANCY PELOSI, SAYS HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE 96 00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:41,307 DISCUSSING THEIR OPTIONS, INCLUDING MINTING A 97 00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:42,542 $1 TRILLION COIN. 98 00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:43,876 OH, GOOD, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE NEVER LOSE, IT'S 99 00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:47,313 COINS. 100 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:49,282 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO BE SAFE, WHY NOT ALSO 101 00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:55,321 MINT SOME TRILLION-DOLLAR AIRPODS? 102 00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:58,157 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I HEAR YOU ASKING, "WHAT 103 00:05:58,224 --> 00:06:01,794 THE HUH?" COIN? 104 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,329 THIS TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN IDEA WAS FIRST FLOATED BY LEGAL 105 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:05,698 EXPERTS DURING THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY, CITING A "STRANGE 106 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,300 FEDERAL LAW GIVING THE U.S. 107 00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:10,636 TREASURY SECRETARY THE POWER TO ISSUE PLATINUM COINS OF ANY 108 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:11,771 VALUE SHE WISHES." 109 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:17,343 NOW WE KNOW WHAT OBAMA MEANT WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT CHANGE. 110 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,312 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING-- THANK YOU. 111 00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:19,912 REALLY? 112 00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:20,480 REALLY? 113 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,215 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT ON. 114 00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:22,749 >> Stephen: WOW. 115 00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:24,417 WHAT AN HONOR. 116 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:29,455 WHAT AN HONOR TO GET A RIM SHOT FROM THE JAZZ COWBOY. 117 00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:31,824 SPEAKING OF EX-POTUSES, WE'RE GETTING SOME NEW DETAILS ABOUT 118 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,727 THE WHITE HOUSE UNDER FORMER PRESIDENT COUPTHULU. 119 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:36,529 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL IN ANOTHER BOMBSHELL 120 00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:45,838 TELL-ALL, THIS ONE FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND 121 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,306 WOMAN WITH RESTING DEATH MASK FACE, STEPHANIE GRISHAM. 122 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,075 GRISHAM NEVER HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE DURING HER ENTIRE 123 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,310 TERM AS PRESS SECRETARY, BUT SHE'S SPILLING THE TEA ON D.J.T. 124 00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:55,314 IN HER NEW BOOK, "I'LL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS NOW." 125 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:58,417 LITTLE LATE. 126 00:06:58,484 --> 00:06:59,685 REMINDS ME OF THE "TITANIC" CREW MEMBER TELL-ALL: "I'LL LOOK OUT 127 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:00,887 FOR ICEBERGS NOW." 128 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:03,856 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 129 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:07,326 GRISHAM-- ( APPLAUSE ) 130 00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:08,828 THEY WILL BE MISSED. 131 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:09,395 SO SAD. 132 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:11,297 SO SAD. 133 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,900 GRISHAM WRITES ABOUT PUTIN'S ATTEMPTS TO MANIPULATE THE 134 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:15,301 EX-PREZ. 135 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:19,038 AT ONE MEETING, PUTIN'S TRANSLATOR WAS A VERY ATTRACTIVE 136 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,273 BRUNETTE WOMAN, AND U.S. 137 00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:23,309 OFFICIALS SUSPECTED SHE HAD BEEN SELECTED BY PUTIN SPECIFICALLY 138 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,044 TO DISTRACT OUR PRESIDENT. 139 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,546 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A 140 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,214 PICTURE OF THAT TRANSLATOR. 141 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,348 THERE YOU GO. 142 00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:30,349 THERE YOU GO. 143 00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:31,284 GOOD LOOKING. 144 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,251 GOOD LOOKING! 145 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:37,924 ( APPLAUSE ) DEALING WITH THE PRESIDENT'S 146 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,325 MOODS WAS A FULL-TIME JOB. 147 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:42,562 IN FACT, THERE WAS AN UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL KNOWN AS 148 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:46,899 THE "MUSIC MAN," DESIGNATED TO PLAY HIM HIS FAVORITE SHOW 149 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,936 TUNES, INCLUDING "MEMORY" FROM "CATS," TO PULL HIM FROM THE 150 00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,137 BRINK OF RAGE. 151 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,739 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THEY WANTED TO DRIVE HIM 152 00:07:53,806 --> 00:08:01,214 TO THE BRINK OF RAGE, THEY WOULD SHOW HIM THE MOVIE "CATS." 153 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,816 AND REMEMBER IN 2019, WHEN THE THEN-PRESIDENT UNEXPECTEDLY WENT 154 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:08,754 TO WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER BUT NOBODY KNEW WHY? 155 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:12,124 WELL, ACCORDING TO GRISHAM, THE PRESIDENT WENT FOR A 156 00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:18,831 COLONOSCOPY. 157 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:23,669 WELL, SURE, WITH THIS PRESIDENT, THEY HAD TO FILM IT IN IMAX. 158 00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:24,937 BUT, OF COURSE, WHEN IT CAME TO HIS B-HOLE, THE PRESIDENT HAD TO 159 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,505 BE AN A-HOLE. 160 00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:27,874 HE WAS SO RELUCTANT TO HAND OVER POWERS OF THE PRESIDENCY TO VICE 161 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:31,210 PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE THAT HE UNDERWENT THE COLONOSCOPY 162 00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:32,144 WITHOUT ANESTHESIA. 163 00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:37,917 >> Audience: OOOOH! 164 00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:38,718 >> Stephen: OH, MY GOD. 165 00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:39,986 THAT HAD TO BE TERRIBLE... 166 00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:44,090 FOR THE DOCTOR WHO HAD TO GIVE A COLONOSCOPY WHILE THE GUY ON THE 167 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:48,160 TABLE KEPT SCREAMING ABOUT HOW HE WON MICHIGAN. 168 00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,330 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, ONE OF HIS REASONS FOR 169 00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:56,135 KEEPING THE COLONOSCOPY SECRET BACK THEN WAS THAT HE DIDN'T 170 00:08:56,202 --> 00:09:02,041 WANT TO BE "THE BUTT OF A JOKE" OF TV COMEDIANS. 171 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,143 SIR, SIR, PLEASE, I WOULD NEVER HAVE MADE A JOKE ABOUT YOUR 172 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:10,583 BUTT. 173 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,285 I WOULD HAVE MADE IT A PRIMETIME SPECIAL: "THE LATE SHOW'S 174 00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:14,754 PRESIDENTIAL BUTT-TASTIC ASS-TRAVAGANZA-COLON-HOW FULL 175 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:19,158 OF CRAP IS HE?" TURNING AWAY FROM THE 176 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,595 PRESIDENT'S BUTT FOR A MOMENT, LET'S TRAVEL A FEW INCHES DOWN 177 00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:26,332 THE OLD TAINT HIGHWAY TO THE PRESIDENT'S JUNK. 178 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,134 BECAUSE AFTER STORMY DANIELS SPILLED THE BEANS ON HIS FRANK, 179 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,772 THE PRESIDENT CALLED GRISHAM FROM AIR FORCE ONE TO ASSURE HER 180 00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:37,376 THAT HIS PENIS WAS NOT SMALL OR TOADSTOOL-SHAPED. 181 00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,112 IT'S ALL GOING TO BE IN NEXT SEASON'S "AMERICAN CRIME STORY: 182 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,247 MUSHROOM DONG." 183 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,949 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 184 00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:48,154 ♪ ♪ ♪ SO GOOD. 185 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,756 UNBELIEVABLE. 186 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:56,128 SARAH PAULSON PLAYS THE MUSHROOM DONG AND SHE JUST "TRANSFORMS." 187 00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,964 UNBELIEVABLE. 188 00:09:58,030 --> 00:10:00,099 EVERY DAY, SEVEN HOURS IN THE CHAIR, EVERY DAY. 189 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,300 IN COVID NEWS, SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS ARE HITTING KIDS IN THE 190 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,735 LUNCHBOX. 191 00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:06,372 ACROSS THE COUNTRY, SCHOOLS ARE FACING SHORTAGES OF CAFETERIA 192 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,240 STAPLES LIKE CHICKEN, MEATBALLS, APPLE JUICE, AND EVEN PLASTIC 193 00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:10,476 CUTLERY. 194 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,846 IT HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, CAFETERIAS HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SERVE 195 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:16,315 ORDERLY JOES. 196 00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:17,850 ( LAUGHTER ) ISSUES LIKE SCHOOL LUNCH 197 00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:21,854 WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BIG DEAL IF WE HAD A ROBUST SOCIAL SAFETY 198 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:25,591 NET. 199 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:34,467 AND WHEN AMERICANS ARE LOOKING TO PAY FOR SOCIAL PROGRAMS, 200 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:39,605 LIBERAL POLITICIANS LIKE BERNIE SANDERS TEND TO POINT TO THE 201 00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:40,873 SUCCESS STORY OF SCANDINAVIA. 202 00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:41,874 SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO CHECK IN WITH OUR NORDIC FRIENDS 203 00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:45,211 IN MY NEW SEGMENT: "SCANDINAVIA'S BJORKING NUUS." 204 00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:46,278 ( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT'S THE LATEST FROM THIS 205 00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,448 SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC UTOPIA? 206 00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:52,451 YOUNG SCANDINAVIANS ARE STICKING NICOTINE POUCHES UP THEIR ASSES. 207 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:56,422 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE 208 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,457 THINKING: "AHHH!" ALSO, "WHY?" 209 00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:01,861 WELL, TURNS OUT, KIDS CHEWING TOBACCO IS A BIG PROBLEM IN 210 00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:04,463 SCANDINAVIA, AND IT GOT SO BAD THAT THE DANISH GOVERNMENT 211 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:06,165 ACTUALLY BANNED THE USE OF NICOTINE POUCHES DURING SCHOOL 212 00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,768 HOURS. 213 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:12,071 AND THE KIDS' SOLUTION WAS TO SHOVE THEM UP THEIR BUTTS? 214 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,839 I HOPE THEY DON'T DO THAT WITH EVERYTHING SCHOOLS BAN. 215 00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:17,209 "I CAN'T FOCUS. 216 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:21,847 I KNOW, I'LL USE MY FIDGET SPINNER. 217 00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:26,519 WHEEEEEE!" >> Jon: OH, NO. 218 00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:29,855 >> Stephen: GYROSCOPIC. 219 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:33,592 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, TO BE FAIR, NOT EVERY 220 00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:37,196 SCANDINAVIAN YOUTH IS SHOVING NICOTINE BAGS WHERE THE 221 00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,264 NORTHERN LIGHTS DON'T SHINE. 222 00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:43,569 SOME OF THEM ARE STICKING NICOTINE PATCHES UP THEIR 223 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,336 FORESKIN. 224 00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:45,838 GOOD FOR YOU, KIDS. 225 00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:46,839 WAY TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BUTT. 226 00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:50,076 ( LAUGHTER ) ONE PREPUCE PIONEER EXPLAINED 227 00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:53,079 HIS REASONING, "I WAS BORED AND ABOUT TO TAKE A NICOTINE POUCH 228 00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:57,216 AND MASTURBATE, AND MY CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF ME." 229 00:11:57,283 --> 00:12:01,854 BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS PENIS QUIT SMOKING. 230 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:05,825 ( LAUGHTER ) OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY-- PLEASE 231 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:08,227 DON'T APPLAUD FOR THAT. 232 00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:09,862 OBVIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD BE DOING ANY OF THIS, INCLUDING 233 00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:13,866 THIS ONE GUY WHO REPORTEDLY GOT DRUNK AND FORGOT TO TAKE OUT 234 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:16,068 THE NICOTINE POUCH AGAIN. 235 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,870 THANKFULLY, THIS BEING SWEDEN, HE WAS ABLE TO GET IT OUT BY 236 00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:20,372 FOLLOWING THIS HELPFUL DIAGRAM. 237 00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:22,675 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 238 00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:27,446 MY GUESTS ARE DREW CAREY AND COMEDIAN PHOEBE ROBINSON. 239 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,782 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 240 00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:10,990 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 241 00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:13,893 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. 242 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:14,293 THERE YOU GO. 243 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,328 GIVE IT UP. 244 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,831 COME ON, GET IT, GET IT. 245 00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:26,305 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 246 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:34,980 JON-- WE'VE GOT-- ♪ OOOOH, AHHH. 247 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:36,248 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT COMING UP, COMING UP IN JUST A LITTLE 248 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,985 WHILE, THE WONDERFUL, THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, PHOEBE 249 00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:40,586 ROBINSON, FANTASTIC COMEDIAN. 250 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,754 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 251 00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:42,955 SHE'S GREAT. 252 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:45,291 >> Stephen: AND OF COURSE OUR FRIEND AND CBS COLLEAGUE DREW 253 00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:49,628 CAREY IS GOING TO BE HERE, HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT." 254 00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,798 HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS. 255 00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:56,335 50-- 50th ANNIVERSARY, THE "THE PRICE IS RIGHT." 256 00:13:56,402 --> 00:14:01,373 HOW MANY KIDS SICK HOME FROM SCHOOL OWE THEIR AFTERNOON 257 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,074 ENJOYMENT TO THAT SHOW? 258 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:03,509 >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! 259 00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,643 I LOVED IT. 260 00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:06,812 I USED TO BE THERE CHECKING IT OUT WITH GRANDMA, YES. 261 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,848 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT SONG YOU GUYS WERE JUST PLAYING? 262 00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:15,120 >> Jon: THAT WAS A VERSION OF BEETHOVEN'S SEVENTH SYMPHONY. 263 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:19,291 >> Stephen: I DID NOT REALIZE BEETHOVEN WAS SO HIP. 264 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:22,728 >> Jon: YEAH. 265 00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:26,732 >> Stephen: THAT SWUNG IN WAYS I'M NOT USED TO BEETHOVEN DOING. 266 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:27,933 >> Jon: HE'S IN THERE. 267 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,971 YOU JUST HAVE TO PULL IT OUT ♪ DEE-DEE-DEE. 268 00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,872 >> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU CLASSICALLY PLAY? 269 00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:38,310 CAN YOU GIVE ME A TASTE OF THAT. 270 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:42,348 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: AND YOU JUST 271 00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:44,984 DID... 272 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:49,955 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING ) 273 00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,491 >> Jon: YOU GOT A VIBE. 274 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,158 RIGHT THERE. 275 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:53,926 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 276 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,127 >> Stephen: THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT. 277 00:14:55,194 --> 00:15:01,033 THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT. 278 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,570 YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE HAND-RAISING 279 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,338 AND SELECTING THE NEWSIEST, MOST-OPICAL SEVILLE ORANGES, 280 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,308 CAREFULLY SIMMERING THEM WITH TURBINADO SUGAR AND PRISTINE 281 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,978 FILTERED WATER TO CREATE FOR YOU A DOUBLE-GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING 282 00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:18,350 BITTERSWEET ENGLISH MARMALADE TO SPREAD ON THE PERFECTLY TOASTED 283 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:23,055 ARTISANAL BRIOCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 284 00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,657 BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I GRAB AN EXPIRED TUB OF 285 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,091 WHIPPING CREAM, TOSS IT IN A BLENDER WITH THE HALF OF A 286 00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:27,760 GOGURT I FOUND IN A SCHOOLYARD, AND LET THAT FERMENT BEHIND THE 287 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:30,362 FURNACE WHILE I FISH A DRIED PITA OUT OF THE GUTTER 288 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:39,071 UNDERNEATH THE CORNER KEBAB STAND, THEN SLATHER IT WITH THE 289 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,205 UNPASTEURIZED DAIRY NIGHTMARE DAIRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY 290 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,575 SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" 291 00:15:43,642 --> 00:15:45,678 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOESN'T MATTER. 292 00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:54,320 "MEANWHILE" IS SO FORGIVING, IS WHAT IT IS. 293 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:58,390 MEANWHILE, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN GUITAR MAFIOSO STEVEN VAN ZANDT 294 00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:03,829 SAYS HE LOVED THREESOMES SO MUCH IN THE 1970s THAT HE DEVELOPED A 295 00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:06,332 TEMPORARY ADDICTION TO MENAGES A TROIS. 296 00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:14,340 THAT IS THE MOST BALD ATTEMPT TO HIDE A BRAG UNDERNEATH BEING A 297 00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:16,308 VICTIM: "LOOK, I KNEW I'D HIT ROCK 298 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:17,509 BOTTOM WHEN I REALIZED I WAS A WEALTHY ROCK STAR HAVING GROUP 299 00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:20,446 SEX EVERY NIGHT WITH WOMEN WHO WORSHIPPED ME SEXUALLY. 300 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:21,080 IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD REACHED OUT. 301 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:24,116 OR BETTER YET, TWO OF THEM." 302 00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,352 ( LAUGHTER ) LITTLE STEVEN CONTINUED 303 00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:28,220 DISCUSSING HIS LITTLE STEVEN, SAYING, "THE 70s, THERE'S NEVER 304 00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:33,025 BEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT, HONESTLY. 305 00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:34,893 IT WAS JUST A WILD, WILD TIME AND THE WOMEN WERE TRULY, TRULY 306 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,061 LIBERATED THERE FOR A MINUTE." 307 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,196 "YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I'M 70, WOMEN NO LONGER HAVE GROUP SEX 308 00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:37,996 WITH ME. 309 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:41,533 WHEN DID THEY BECOME SO OPPRESSED?" 310 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:48,140 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE 311 00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:50,709 GLOBAL SHIPPING ENTERPRISES AND SECONDARY MARKET MEAT PRODUCTS" 312 00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:53,879 SOMETIMES FIND SO MANY ANIMAL- RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAVE TO 313 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:56,815 REPACKAGE THEM IN OUR MEANWHILE SUBSEGMENT: "MEANWILD." 314 00:16:56,882 --> 00:17:00,152 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWILD, FOR YEARS, OFFICIALS 315 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:04,156 HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO CONTROL THE INVASIVE LANTERNFLY, AND NOW 316 00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:08,994 THEY'VE RAISED THE ANTE. 317 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,396 AS "CBS NEWS PUT IT, "THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL SPOTTED 318 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,030 INSECT FLYING ACROSS THE U.S., AND OFFICIALS WANT YOU TO 319 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:12,498 KILL IT." 320 00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:15,167 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 321 00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:18,103 I CANNOT ENDORSE KILLING THINGS THAT ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL. 322 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:21,840 IF WE DID THAT, HOW LONG COULD I POSSIBLY LAST? 323 00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:36,155 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 324 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:40,159 MEANWILD, THINGS GOT A LITTLE TOO EDUCATIONAL AT THE BRONX ZOO 325 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,228 LAST WEEK WHEN AN ADULT GORILLA WAS FILMED PERFORMING ORAL SEX 326 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:47,166 ON ITS PARTNER IN FRONT OF AGHAST ZOO-GOERS. 327 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,300 GORILLAS? 328 00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:51,837 PLEASE GO BACK TO DOING RESPECTABLE, GENTEEL THINGS LIKE 329 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:52,805 HURLING YOUR POOP AT US. 330 00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:55,641 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I 331 00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:56,775 WANT YOU TO BRACE YOURSELF. 332 00:17:56,842 --> 00:18:06,819 I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE IN MY NEW 333 00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:12,024 ADULTS-ONLY SEGMENT: "MEANWILD AFTER DARK." 334 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,992 ( APPLAUSE ) SEND THE KIDS OUT OF THE ROOM, 335 00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:16,028 BUT NOT TO THE ZOO. 336 00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:16,662 JIM? 337 00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:21,366 >> LOOK AT THESE TWO, AWWW! 338 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,935 OH, NO, OH, NO! 339 00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,136 >> OH, NO! 340 00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:28,106 >> OH, NO! 341 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:33,879 DON'T LOOK, JOSEY! 342 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,481 OH, GOD LORD! 343 00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:39,184 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 344 00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:48,126 >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! 345 00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:54,800 >> Stephen: THESE "PLANET OF THE APES" SEQUELS ARE GETTING SPICY! 346 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,235 I HAVE TO SAY, ANDY SERKIS IS REALLY COMMITTING. 347 00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,236 APPARENTLY, THIS IS NOT UNUSUAL. 348 00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:58,871 SCIENTISTS SAY ORAL SEX IS ACTUALLY FAIRLY COMMON 349 00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:00,772 THROUGHOUT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WITH SIGHTINGS OF SPECIES 350 00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:04,409 RANGING FROM CHEETAHS TO BEARS AND BATS ENGAGING IN THE 351 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,812 SALACIOUS ACT. 352 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:12,684 ADDING, "AND WE REALLY NEED TO WATCH A LOT OF ANIMAL ORAL SEX 353 00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:13,919 FOR ALL THE RESEARCH AND STUFF PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR 354 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,154 WAY OUT." 355 00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:21,360 MEANWILD, IN OHIO, THE LEWISBURG HAUNTED CAVE HAS REOPENED JUST 356 00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:24,196 IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN, WHICH THEY CLAIM IS HOME OF BOTH 357 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:29,468 GHOULS AND TERRORS, AND 30,000 LIVE BATS. 358 00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:32,938 WAIT, YOU CAN'T COMBINE REAL HORRORS WITH FAKE HORRORS. 359 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,840 IMAGINE WALKING THROUGH THAT WITH A SCARED KID: 360 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,008 "IT'S OK, HONEY. 361 00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:39,044 NONE OF IT'S REAL, EXCEPT FOR THE BATS. 362 00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:40,445 THEY'RE SUPER REAL. 363 00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:44,583 BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE ARE ONLY 30,000 OF THEM." 364 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:47,886 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DREW CAREY. 365 00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:09,274 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: EVERYBODY, WELCOME 366 00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,476 BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 367 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:12,511 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... 368 00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:14,913 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I FEEL THE SAME WAY. 369 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:18,750 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS THE HOST OF 370 00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:23,789 "THE PRICE IS RIGHT," WHICH IS CELEBRATING 50 YEARS ON THE AIR. 371 00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:32,230 NOW, LET'S MEET OUR FIRST GUEST DREW CAREY, COME ON DOWN! 372 00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,533 YOU ARE THE FIRST GUEST ON "THE LATE SHOW"! 373 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:47,646 ( "PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME SONG ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 374 00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:53,018 COME ON UP, DREW. 375 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,320 >> OH, MY GOD! 376 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:56,188 >> Stephen: DREW, DREW? 377 00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:57,889 >> OH, MY GOD! 378 00:20:57,956 --> 00:20:59,691 >> Stephen: DREW, THANKS SO MUCH. 379 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,326 >> OH, MY GOD! 380 00:21:01,393 --> 00:21:03,629 >> Stephen: THANKS, THANKS. 381 00:21:03,695 --> 00:21:06,999 DREW-- >> AAAH! 382 00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:11,036 >> Stephen: DREW, WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 383 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,271 >> I'M FROM CLEVELAND! 384 00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:13,872 >> Stephen: UH-HUH. 385 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:14,740 ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS? 386 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,408 >> A LITTLE NERVOUS, YEAH. 387 00:21:16,475 --> 00:21:18,844 >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT. 388 00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:26,251 HAVE A SEAT. 389 00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:27,419 $1, BOB! 390 00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:30,522 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP-- DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP 391 00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:34,526 ON THE PRICE OF ORDINARY THINGS IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL 392 00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,561 BUTTONHOLE YOU ON THE STREET, "WHAT'S A PAINT OF MILK." 393 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,697 >> NO, PEOPLE DON'T ASK ME. 394 00:21:38,764 --> 00:21:40,265 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING GOING OUT. 395 00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:42,100 I DON'T KNOW WHAT GAMES ARE PLAYING. 396 00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:45,404 THEY GIVE ME A LIST THAT THEY PUT ON MY DESK IN MY DRESSING 397 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,139 ROOM BUT I NEVER LOOK AT IT. 398 00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:50,776 THEY POINT ME TO A SPOT, AND I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY PLAYING 399 00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:52,210 THIS ONE GAME. 400 00:21:52,277 --> 00:21:55,781 AND IT SPINS AROUND AND THEY'RE PLAYING IT AND IT IS SO EASY. 401 00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:58,417 >> Stephen: YOU ENJOY IT LIKE WE ARE AT HOME. 402 00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:01,687 >> I GET TO WORK A HALF HOUR BEFORE I GO OUT ON STAGE. 403 00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:04,923 >> Stephen: I MEAN THIS IN ALL FRIENDSHIP ( BLEEP ) YOU. 404 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,458 >> I KNOW, I KNOW. 405 00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:10,462 I HATE TO TELL PEOPLE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 406 00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:14,499 >> Stephen: 14 YEARS, WHAT DID YOU THINK? 407 00:22:14,566 --> 00:22:18,403 WHEN YOU GOT INTO THIS GIG, WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS GOING TO 408 00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:18,737 BE? 409 00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:19,471 >> AAH... 410 00:22:19,538 --> 00:22:19,971 >> Stephen: HOW DID IT TURN OUT? 411 00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:21,306 WHAT SURPRISED YOU? 412 00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,074 WHAT ABOUT THAT? 413 00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:24,509 >> IT'S SUCH A JOYOUS HAPPY PLACE. 414 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:27,379 EVERYBODY THERE IS ROOTING FOR A STRANGER TO DO WELL, WHICH YOU 415 00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:28,513 DON'T SEE ANYWHERE. 416 00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:32,584 THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "I HOPE THAT PERSON LOSES," OR "KICK 417 00:22:32,651 --> 00:22:35,387 THAT PERSON OFF THE ISLAND," YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 418 00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:37,522 IT'S ALWAYS STUFF LIKE THAT. 419 00:22:37,589 --> 00:22:41,326 ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT," IT'S, "YEAH, SCREW CBS! 420 00:22:41,393 --> 00:22:42,127 TAKE ALL THEIR MONEY." 421 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,762 YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUN. 422 00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:50,268 >> Stephen: YOUR GUESTS ARE SO-- THEY'RE SO EXCITED. 423 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:56,975 HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF THEIR ENTHUSIASM FOR HAVING-- 424 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,210 ( LAUGHTER ). 425 00:22:58,276 --> 00:23:00,078 >> THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR LEAVING MY PHONE IN THE DRESSING ROOM. 426 00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:03,381 >> Stephen: AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT IS HAPPENING? 427 00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:05,984 IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT BOWLED OVER BY A HUMAN BOWLING BALL. 428 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:09,187 >> A GORILLA CAME OVER AND JUST BLEW ME. 429 00:23:09,254 --> 00:23:10,589 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 430 00:23:10,655 --> 00:23:12,457 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. 431 00:23:12,524 --> 00:23:13,225 >> Stephen: GOOD. 432 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,493 BLEW YOU DOWN, YOU MEAN. 433 00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:15,060 BLEW YOU DOWN. 434 00:23:15,127 --> 00:23:17,496 >> YEAH ( LAUGHING ). 435 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,665 >> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS A CRAZY BIT OF BUSINESS 436 00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,501 THEY JUST FOUND OUT. 437 00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:23,101 ( LAUGHTER ). 438 00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:24,603 >> Stephen: CBS, MAN, CBS. 439 00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:27,239 >> YEAH, WHATEVER. 440 00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:30,375 >> Stephen: I ONLY KIND OF WORK HERE, IS WHAT YOU'RE 441 00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:31,643 SAYING. 442 00:23:31,710 --> 00:23:35,147 >> IT'S SUCH A THRILL TO COME ON A SHOW WHERE I CAN SWEAR AND DO 443 00:23:35,213 --> 00:23:38,583 DIRTY JOKES, BECAUSE I CAN'T SWEAR ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT." 444 00:23:38,650 --> 00:23:40,719 >> Stephen: NOT EVEN HAVE IT BLEEPED. 445 00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:41,787 >> YOU WON A ( BLEEP ) CAR! 446 00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:43,922 I CAN'T DO THAT. 447 00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,490 >> Stephen: THEY'D BE SO HAPPY, THOUGH. 448 00:23:45,557 --> 00:23:48,293 >> HOLY ( BLEEP )! 449 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:48,827 SEE WHAT HAPPENS? 450 00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:50,662 I CAN'T DO THAT. 451 00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:53,565 >> Stephen: I HEARD-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS IS TRUE OR 452 00:23:53,632 --> 00:23:57,035 HOW YOU WOULD KNOW, BUT THAT PAUL McCARTNEY IS A FAN. 453 00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,203 >> YES. 454 00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:05,243 I'M FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY NAMED CHRIS HOLMES-- HI, CHRIS. 455 00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:08,814 BEFORE COVID HE WAS PAUL McCARTNEY'S D.J. 456 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,750 >> Stephen: PAUL McCARTNEY HAS A D.J. 457 00:24:11,817 --> 00:24:14,519 >> TO OPEN HIS SHOWS GLI THOUGHT FOR WEDDINGS. 458 00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:17,789 >> WHEN THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY HE DOES THAT, TOO. 459 00:24:17,856 --> 00:24:22,360 HE TRAVELS WITH PAUL McCARTNEY AND PLAYS BEATLE REMIXES AND 460 00:24:22,427 --> 00:24:26,331 COVERS AND DOES A REALLY NICE SET FOR AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW 461 00:24:26,398 --> 00:24:27,165 STARTS. 462 00:24:27,232 --> 00:24:28,266 HE GETS EVERYBODY IN THE BEATLES MOOD. 463 00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:29,434 I WENT TO SEE HIM IN TORONTO. 464 00:24:29,501 --> 00:24:33,171 AND HE SAID, "I THINK I CAN GET PAUL COME AND DO A 465 00:24:33,238 --> 00:24:34,973 MEET-AND-GREET WITH YOU, GET A PICTURE." 466 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,375 I SAID, "THAT WOULD BE GREAT." 467 00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:42,080 I'M WAITING TO GET A PICTURE TAKEN AND PAUL McCARTNEY WALKS 468 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:43,949 OUT AND SAYS, "HI, DREW." 469 00:24:44,015 --> 00:24:46,251 AND I THOUGHT, CHRIS TOLD HIM WHO I WAS. 470 00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,254 THAT'S HOW PAUL McCARTNEY KNOWS I'M HERE. 471 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:55,393 HE SAILED, "I LOVE 'PRICE IS RIGHT'. 472 00:24:55,460 --> 00:24:58,363 I WATCH TRASH TV ALL THE TIME." 473 00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:00,799 AND HE GOES, IS IT AS FUN AS IT SEEMS? 474 00:25:00,866 --> 00:25:02,734 AND HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS LIKE THAT. 475 00:25:02,801 --> 00:25:05,003 AND I WAS LIKE THIS IS CRAZY. 476 00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:06,838 SO THEN I'M, LIKE, BOUNCING ABOUT THAT. 477 00:25:06,905 --> 00:25:10,709 LIKE I CAN'T EVEN GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. 478 00:25:10,775 --> 00:25:14,679 THEN I'M WATCHING WITH AMY, AND WE'RE IN THE FLOOR SEATS, 479 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:17,649 WATCHING THE SHOW, AND WE HAD PRETTY GOOD SEATS ON THE FLOOR, 480 00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:18,884 WATCHING THE SHOW. 481 00:25:18,950 --> 00:25:22,687 AND WE WERE UP DANCING IN THE FOLDING CHAIRS AND THEY'RE DOING 482 00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:24,122 "BACK IN THE U.S.S.R.." 483 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:30,128 AND THE END KMEDS WITH THE ♪ OHH, OHH." 484 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:37,435 AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES, "COME ON DOWN TO THE 'PRICE IS 485 00:25:37,502 --> 00:25:39,304 RIGHT '" ♪ OOO♪ 486 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:40,672 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD. 487 00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:42,173 AND THAT'S HOW YOU GOT THERE. 488 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,709 "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" IS HOW YOU GOT ON PAUL McCARTNEY'S RADAR. 489 00:25:44,776 --> 00:25:46,077 >> I TEARED UP. 490 00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:48,179 >> Stephen: I'M A LITTLE TEARED UP MANAGER ABOUT IT. 491 00:25:48,246 --> 00:25:49,414 >> IT WAS INSANE. 492 00:25:49,481 --> 00:25:50,749 I GOT CHRIS TO COME WITH ME. 493 00:25:50,815 --> 00:25:52,784 WE WERE ON "FAMILY FEUD." 494 00:25:52,851 --> 00:25:56,187 AND HE ALSO WATCHES "FAMILY FEUD." 495 00:25:56,254 --> 00:25:59,291 HE SPENT A WHOLE TIME ON OUR "FAMILY FEUD INTRODUCTION SAYING 496 00:25:59,357 --> 00:26:00,492 HI TO PAUL MA McCARTNEY. 497 00:26:00,558 --> 00:26:01,893 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME 498 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,896 BACK, WE'LL TALK ABOUT DREW'S TIME IN THE MARINES. 499 00:26:18,043 --> 00:26:19,177 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 500 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:23,748 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT." 501 00:26:23,815 --> 00:26:27,819 DREW CAREY. 502 00:26:27,886 --> 00:26:29,721 PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU. 503 00:26:29,788 --> 00:26:32,457 I DID, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR WIKIPEDIA 504 00:26:32,524 --> 00:26:32,958 PAGE FOR YEARS. 505 00:26:33,024 --> 00:26:33,825 >> SURE. 506 00:26:33,892 --> 00:26:35,460 >> Stephen: BUT YOU-- >> APPRECIATE IT. 507 00:26:35,527 --> 00:26:37,462 >> Stephen: YOU WERE IN THE MARINE RESERVE. 508 00:26:37,529 --> 00:26:38,463 THERE YOU GO. 509 00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:38,797 THERE YOU ARE. 510 00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:39,564 >> YES. 511 00:26:39,631 --> 00:26:41,700 >> Stephen: LEATHERNECK, DEVIL DOG. 512 00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:43,201 >> I HAD MY DAY. 513 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,069 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 514 00:26:44,135 --> 00:26:46,371 >> I HAD MY DAY. 515 00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:47,939 >> Stephen: WHEN DID YOU JOIN? 516 00:26:48,006 --> 00:26:48,840 HOW OLD WERE YOU? 517 00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:50,976 >> I WAS 22 OR SOMETHING. 518 00:26:51,042 --> 00:26:54,779 SO I WAS IN FOR SIX YEARS IN THE RESERVES, AND I GOT OUT IN '86. 519 00:26:54,846 --> 00:26:59,985 I GOT OUT, LIKE, A FEW MONTHS AFTER I STARTED DOING STAND-UP. 520 00:27:00,051 --> 00:27:03,555 SO MY-- THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN THE RESERVES-- YOU STILL HAVE TO 521 00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:07,258 KEEP YOUR HAIR CUT SHORT, EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONCE A MONTH, SO I 522 00:27:07,325 --> 00:27:10,295 NEVER REALLY GOT TO GROW MY HAIR OUT EVER. 523 00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:11,596 >> Stephen: THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE SEEN YOUR HAIR. 524 00:27:11,663 --> 00:27:15,066 >> THIS IS THE LONGEST IT HAS BEEN SINCE I WAS 18 OR SOMETHING 525 00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:16,267 OR 20. 526 00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:19,938 AND I-- I-- I ALWAYS PROMISE MYSELF I'M GOING TO GROW MY HAIR 527 00:27:20,005 --> 00:27:23,775 DOWN TO MY BUTT AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE MARINE CORPS BECAUSE 528 00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:27,112 I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO KEEP IT SHORT ALL THE TIME. 529 00:27:27,178 --> 00:27:29,314 I STARTED TO GO STAND-UP, AND I HAD MY B.C.G.s, MARINE CORPS 530 00:27:29,381 --> 00:27:34,119 SUIT ON AND BUZZ CUT, AND IT CAUGHT ON AND I WAS LIKE OH, 531 00:27:34,185 --> 00:27:35,253 MAN, I'M STUCK WITH THIS. 532 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,458 >> Stephen: I REMEMBER-- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT CARSON HERE 533 00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:41,393 FOR A MINUTE. 534 00:27:41,459 --> 00:27:42,594 >> SURE. 535 00:27:42,660 --> 00:27:44,029 >> Stephen: AS I REMEMBER, I THINK IT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU 536 00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:44,396 WENT ON CARSON. 537 00:27:44,462 --> 00:27:45,597 >> YEAH. 538 00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:48,366 >> Stephen: I WATCHED IT, AND I DID-- DIDN'T YOU TALK ABOUT 539 00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:51,069 PEOPLE SAYING, "HEY, HAVE A GREAT LOOK." 540 00:27:51,136 --> 00:27:54,539 >> YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION PICTURE. 541 00:27:54,606 --> 00:27:56,908 >> Stephen: AND THEY SAID, "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LOOK?" 542 00:27:56,975 --> 00:27:59,411 AND YOU WOULD SAY, "THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE." 543 00:27:59,477 --> 00:28:01,646 WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER QUICK BREAK. 544 00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:05,850 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WANT TO TALK WITH DREW ABOUT HIS FIRST 545 00:28:05,917 --> 00:28:07,719 APPEARANCE WITH JOHNNY CARSON. 546 00:28:07,786 --> 00:28:08,353 STICK AROUND. 547 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:23,968 >> Stephen: HEY, WE'RE BACK WITH DREW CAREY. 548 00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:25,737 ( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE BIG MOMENT. 549 00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:30,275 THIS IS 1991, THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW." 550 00:28:30,341 --> 00:28:39,050 ( APPLAUSE ) AND-- THAT'S NICE. 551 00:28:39,117 --> 00:28:43,721 BUT EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE WHAT IT MEANT FOR JOHNNY TO CALL OVER A 552 00:28:43,788 --> 00:28:44,856 COMIC. 553 00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,024 BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT REALLY HAPPENS ANYMORE. 554 00:28:46,091 --> 00:28:49,794 AND THERE IS NO ONE ELSE WHO ACTUALLY COULD MAKE IT SO 555 00:28:49,861 --> 00:28:50,428 MEANINGFUL THAN JOHNNY. 556 00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:51,563 >> NOBODY. 557 00:28:51,629 --> 00:28:57,702 IT WAS LIKE-- I WAS IN SHOW BUSINESS THE VERY NEXT DAY. 558 00:28:57,769 --> 00:29:00,638 HONESTLY, I TEAR UP WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT WAS LIFE 559 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:01,406 CHANGING. 560 00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:03,541 I WAS A CLUB COMIC IN THE MORNING. 561 00:29:03,608 --> 00:29:08,012 AND THAT FRIDAY NIGHT, I WAS IN SHOW BUSINESS. 562 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:10,982 AND MY MANAGER'S OFFICE, THEY DID NOTHING BUT SEND OUT TAPES 563 00:29:11,049 --> 00:29:13,952 OF ME, AND I WAS GETTING THE CALLED THE NEXT DAY-- I WAS 564 00:29:14,018 --> 00:29:17,055 WORKING IN CHICAGO, SO I HAD TO FLY BACK TO CHICAGO TO FINISH MY 565 00:29:17,122 --> 00:29:18,289 WEEK. 566 00:29:18,356 --> 00:29:21,559 WHEN I GOT BACK TO L.A., EVERY NIGHT THAT WEEK, I DID A SET AT 567 00:29:21,626 --> 00:29:22,794 THE IMPROV FOR AGENTS. 568 00:29:22,861 --> 00:29:26,531 AND THE FIRST MONDAY NIGHT, 28 WILLIAM MORRIS AGENTS SHOWED UP 569 00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:27,932 TO SEE ME DO STAND-UP. 570 00:29:27,999 --> 00:29:31,102 THE HEAD OF THE LIT DEPARTMENT. 571 00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:33,037 THE HEAD OF THE MOVIE DEPARTMENT. 572 00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:35,273 THE HEADLINE OF THE SITCOM DEPARTMENT. 573 00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:37,275 THE HEAD OF THE BOOKS DEPARTMENT. 574 00:29:37,342 --> 00:29:39,344 THEY ALL WANTED TO BE IN THE DREW CAREY BUSINESS. 575 00:29:39,410 --> 00:29:40,445 IT WAS CRAZY. 576 00:29:40,512 --> 00:29:41,679 >> Stephen: HOW WOULD IT HAPPEN WHEN JOHNNY WOULD CALL 577 00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:42,480 YOU OVER? 578 00:29:42,547 --> 00:29:44,682 WHAT WERE THE ACTUAL MECHANICS THERE. 579 00:29:44,749 --> 00:29:45,750 YOU KNEW NOTHING BEFORE YOU WENT OUT THERE? 580 00:29:45,817 --> 00:29:47,752 >> NO. 581 00:29:47,819 --> 00:29:52,390 IT TOOK ME THREE-- I GOT PICKED TO DO THE SHOW AT MY FIRST 582 00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:56,427 AUDITION, I WAS AT THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB. 583 00:29:56,494 --> 00:30:02,267 THE COMIC WORLD, MY FRIENDS WERE ALL BUZZING, "I CAN'T BELIEVE 584 00:30:02,333 --> 00:30:04,969 HAD GOT IT ON THE FIRST TRY," BECAUSE THAT NEVER HAPPENED. 585 00:30:05,036 --> 00:30:08,506 YOU HAD TO AUDITION A BUNCH OF TIMES. 586 00:30:08,573 --> 00:30:11,910 I WAS ON THIS LIST, AND IF SOMEBODY COULDN'T MAKE IT ONE OF 587 00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:15,813 THE STARS, THEY WOULD CALL A COMIC AND THEY WOULD FILL IN. 588 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:21,052 I WAS STAYING AT A FRIEND'S OF MINE'S HOUSE, AND THEY SAW ME TO 589 00:30:21,119 --> 00:30:23,454 DO STAND-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I WENT BACK TO DO A GIG, AND 590 00:30:23,521 --> 00:30:29,527 I WENT BACK THAT NOVEMBER TO DO A WEEK AT THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB, 591 00:30:29,594 --> 00:30:34,699 AND BOB SAGET INVITED ME TO A TAPING OF THE "FULL HOUSE." 592 00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:37,202 IT WAS THE BEACH BOY EPISODE. 593 00:30:37,268 --> 00:30:40,638 IT WAS REAL EXCITING BECAUSE I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A TV TAPING 594 00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:44,142 AND I HAD MY SUIT WITH ME AND MY LITTLE SHAVING KIT AND STUFF. 595 00:30:44,209 --> 00:30:48,880 AND IGET TO THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB, AND THE M.C. SAYS, "YOU 596 00:30:48,947 --> 00:30:51,983 OKAY?" HE GREETS ME AT THE DOOP. 597 00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:56,588 I SAID, "I'M FINE, WHAT HAPPENED. 598 00:30:56,654 --> 00:30:59,958 HE SAID JIM McCAULEY WAS TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU 599 00:31:00,024 --> 00:31:07,498 TO DO THE "TONIGHT SHOW, SO HE GOT JEFF SOSARIO TO DO IT 600 00:31:07,565 --> 00:31:07,966 INSTEAD. 601 00:31:08,032 --> 00:31:09,133 I MISSED THE CALL. 602 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:13,404 I CALLED McCAULEY ON MONDAY AND SAID, "I'M SORRY, I MISSED 603 00:31:13,471 --> 00:31:14,539 THE CALL." 604 00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:17,609 I LISTENED TO THE MESSAGE MACHINE WHEN I GOT BACK TO MY 605 00:31:17,675 --> 00:31:21,312 FRIEND'S HOUSE AND IT WAS A DISASTER ONE CALL AFTER THE NEXT 606 00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:22,513 NEXT. 607 00:31:22,580 --> 00:31:26,251 AND I CALLED HIM ON MONDAY, "YEAH, I'M SORRY, YOU MISSED IT, 608 00:31:26,317 --> 00:31:27,418 TOO. 609 00:31:27,485 --> 00:31:30,755 BUT I'D LIEXZ TO SEE YOU AGAIN BEFORE YOU DO ANOTHER SET." 610 00:31:30,822 --> 00:31:38,630 I WAS OFF THE LIST, AND IT TOOK ME THREE YEARS TO GET BACK ON 611 00:31:38,696 --> 00:31:39,764 THE SHOW. 612 00:31:39,831 --> 00:31:42,433 IT WAS MONTHS DRIVING ON THE ROAD AFTER A BREAK UP, I WAS 613 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:44,302 DRIVING AND CRYING ALL THE TIME-- HI, JACKIE. 614 00:31:44,369 --> 00:31:46,271 >> Stephen: YOU WERE PROBABLY A BETTER COMIC AFTER THAT. 615 00:31:46,337 --> 00:31:50,208 >> I WAS SO POWERFUL, McCAULEY LET ME GO TO THE IMPROV-- I'LL 616 00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:53,878 TRY TO WRAP THIS UP REALLY QUICK. 617 00:31:53,945 --> 00:31:57,615 McCAULEY LET ME GO AND BACK AT THE IMPROV, IT WAS THREE YEARS, 618 00:31:57,682 --> 00:31:59,517 IN MAY AGAIN, ALMOST EXACTLY THREE YEARS. 619 00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:05,390 HE CAME TO SEE ME, AND THEY WERE LETTING COMICS AUDITION THAT 620 00:32:05,456 --> 00:32:07,925 NIGHT SO THERE WERE A LOT OF STRONG COMICS. 621 00:32:07,992 --> 00:32:11,929 AND I GOT UP IN FRONT OF THAT PACKED CROWD AND WHEN I WAS DONE 622 00:32:11,996 --> 00:32:13,731 THEY WERE CHANTING MY NAME. 623 00:32:13,798 --> 00:32:21,639 I GOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW" AND "HBO YOUNG COMEDIANS" THE SAME 624 00:32:21,706 --> 00:32:22,573 NIGHT. 625 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:27,312 >> Stephen: DREW, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 626 00:32:27,378 --> 00:32:28,513 THE PRIMETIME SPECIAL CELEBRATING 50 YEARS OF 627 00:32:28,579 --> 00:32:30,081 "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" AIRS THIS THURSDAY AT 9:00 P.M. ON CBS. 628 00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:31,115 DREW CAREY, EVERYBODY! 629 00:32:31,182 --> 00:32:33,151 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN PHOEBE ROBINSON. 630 00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:02,714 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 631 00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:10,488 WELCOME BACK! 632 00:33:10,555 --> 00:33:13,424 FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, ACTOR AND A 633 00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:15,727 BEST-SELLING AUTHOR. 634 00:33:15,793 --> 00:33:18,062 HER LATEST BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE 635 00:33:18,129 --> 00:33:19,163 CLOTHES." 636 00:33:19,230 --> 00:33:21,766 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" PHOEBE ROBINSON! 637 00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:33,745 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 638 00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:40,485 >> WE DID IT! 639 00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:44,389 >> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK, I'M GOING TO-- I'M GOING TO HAVE TO 640 00:33:44,455 --> 00:33:46,891 ASK WHY DO YOU HAVE A PIECE OF SLATE IN YOUR HAND? 641 00:33:46,958 --> 00:33:50,061 ARE YOU A ONE-ROOM SCHOOL TEACHER? 642 00:33:50,128 --> 00:33:52,830 ARE YOU ABOUT TO TEACH ME MY ARITHMETIC? 643 00:33:52,897 --> 00:33:54,098 WHAT IS THAT? 644 00:33:54,165 --> 00:33:56,734 >> STEPHEN, I LOVE FREE THINGS, AND THIS WAS IN THE GREEN ROOM. 645 00:33:56,801 --> 00:33:58,736 IT HAD SOME CHEESE ON IT AND BREAD. 646 00:33:58,803 --> 00:33:59,637 I ATE IT. 647 00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:02,607 >> Stephen: THE CHEESE AND THE BREAT BREAD. 648 00:34:02,673 --> 00:34:03,574 >> I ATE. 649 00:34:03,641 --> 00:34:07,044 I SAID, THIS IS REALLY CUTE, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. 650 00:34:07,111 --> 00:34:07,678 ( APPLAUSE ). 651 00:34:07,745 --> 00:34:08,546 >> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 652 00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:11,983 >> CAN I-- CAN I TAKE THIS HOME WITH ME? 653 00:34:12,049 --> 00:34:13,751 >> Stephen: SURE, OF COURSE! 654 00:34:13,818 --> 00:34:14,819 >> OKAY. 655 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,121 >> Stephen: I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY NO ON TELEVISION. 656 00:34:17,188 --> 00:34:18,489 >> THANK YOU. 657 00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:19,457 YES! 658 00:34:19,524 --> 00:34:20,858 >> Stephen: THIS IS A NICE LITTLE CHEESE BOARD. 659 00:34:20,925 --> 00:34:21,826 >> IT IS NICE. 660 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,261 >> Stephen: AND YOU COULD ROOF A HOUSE WITH IT. 661 00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:24,495 >> YES. 662 00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:25,463 IT'S PERFECT. 663 00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:27,598 SO THANK YOU FOR THIS LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. 664 00:34:27,665 --> 00:34:29,667 >> Stephen YOU'RE WELCOME. 665 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:32,703 DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP IT ON THE OTHER CHAIR OR KEEP IT HERE 666 00:34:32,770 --> 00:34:33,371 UNTIL WE'RE READY? 667 00:34:33,438 --> 00:34:36,507 >> I'LL KEEP IT ON THE CHAIR. 668 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:38,576 >> Stephen: YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET IT BACK. 669 00:34:38,643 --> 00:34:40,244 YOUR BIRTHDAY IS A THEME OF OUR TALKS. 670 00:34:40,311 --> 00:34:43,681 THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON HERE, YOUR BIRTHDAY PASSED RECENTLY, 671 00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:47,051 AND YOU ACTUALLY SHARED WITH ME A COOKIE YOUR FRIENDS HAD GIVEN 672 00:34:47,118 --> 00:34:50,655 YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GO SEE U2? 673 00:34:50,721 --> 00:34:53,024 >> ON MY BIRTHDAY. 674 00:34:53,090 --> 00:34:55,726 THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND AND I FLY AROUND THE WORLD. 675 00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:58,930 >> Stephen: YOUR FRIENDS GAVE YOU A BONO-SHAMED COOKIE, BUT 676 00:34:58,996 --> 00:35:01,399 WHEN IT ARRIVED THEY ALL SAID IT LOOKED LIKE ME. 677 00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:05,269 >> IT LOOKS LIKE YOU! 678 00:35:05,336 --> 00:35:07,872 >> Stephen: WE ATE IT. 679 00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:09,740 WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS YEAR? 680 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:15,213 >> WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER, YOU'RE INVITED, AT SOME FRENCH 681 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:19,684 PLACE LE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. 682 00:35:19,750 --> 00:35:26,491 AND I'M HERE WITH YOU DOING "COLBERT." 683 00:35:26,557 --> 00:35:26,891 NO SEXUALLY. 684 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:27,725 KEEP IT CLEAN! 685 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,961 >> Stephen: OF COURSE WE WILL. 686 00:35:30,027 --> 00:35:31,162 CBS. 687 00:35:31,229 --> 00:35:33,598 YOUR NEW BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE 688 00:35:33,664 --> 00:35:33,831 CLOTHES. 689 00:35:33,898 --> 00:35:34,499 THE. 690 00:35:34,565 --> 00:35:35,333 >> YES. 691 00:35:35,399 --> 00:35:37,201 >> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 692 00:35:37,268 --> 00:35:38,402 WHAT IS AN "OUTSIDE CLOTHES." 693 00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:42,240 >> WHAT YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW, IF YOU STEP OUTSIDE AND A 694 00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:46,410 PARTICLE OF AIR TOUCHES YOUR FABRIC, IT IS OFFICIALLY OUTSIDE 695 00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:46,911 CLOTHES, RIGHT. 696 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:47,211 >> Stephen: REALLY? 697 00:35:47,278 --> 00:35:50,648 >> YES! 698 00:35:50,715 --> 00:35:52,483 STEPHEN! 699 00:35:52,550 --> 00:35:57,121 ARE YOU OUT HERE IN THE STREETS, AND YOU'RE GOING BACK HOME, AND 700 00:35:57,188 --> 00:36:01,325 YOU'RE JUMPING INTO BED WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR CLOTHES? 701 00:36:01,392 --> 00:36:03,794 >> Stephen: YOU SAY "DON'T SIT ON MY BED." 702 00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:04,695 >> YES. 703 00:36:04,762 --> 00:36:06,497 YOU CAN'T SIT ON ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE. 704 00:36:06,564 --> 00:36:11,235 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I HAVE TO TAKE OFF 705 00:36:11,302 --> 00:36:13,671 MY CLOTHES WHEN I COME INTO YOUR HOUSE? 706 00:36:13,738 --> 00:36:14,772 IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? 707 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:17,675 >> BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG WITH A CHANGE-- I'M KIDDING. 708 00:36:17,742 --> 00:36:19,076 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. 709 00:36:19,143 --> 00:36:21,579 SERIOUSLY, THIS IS A RULE MY PARENTS HAD GROWING UP, AND IT 710 00:36:21,646 --> 00:36:22,813 REALLY STUCK WITH ME. 711 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:28,586 WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE, I GOT MY ROOM ESSENTIALS, BEDDING FROM 712 00:36:28,653 --> 00:36:29,053 TARGET. 713 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:29,820 >> Stephen: SURE. 714 00:36:29,887 --> 00:36:33,691 >> AND PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER. 715 00:36:33,758 --> 00:36:36,327 SHOUT OUT TO ESSENTIALS, CAN I GET A SPONSORSHIP? 716 00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:39,697 PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER, AND I WOULD FREAK OUT ABOUT PEOPLE 717 00:36:39,764 --> 00:36:41,232 SITTING ON MY BED. 718 00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:44,969 I WAS LIKE, YOU CAN HAVE ONE BUTT CHEEK ON AND THE OTHER HAS 719 00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:45,503 TO DANGLE OFF. 720 00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:46,671 >> Stephen: WOW, OKAY. 721 00:36:46,737 --> 00:36:49,674 SO JUST A QUICK CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE AND 722 00:36:49,740 --> 00:36:49,974 CLEANER. 723 00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,075 >> YEAH. 724 00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:52,877 >> Stephen: KIND OF LIKE YOU'RE WORKING AT SOME SORT OF 725 00:36:52,944 --> 00:36:53,511 NUCLEAR FACTORY. 726 00:36:53,578 --> 00:36:55,379 YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CHANGE. 727 00:36:55,446 --> 00:36:58,082 NOW, YOU ALSO-- YOU DEDICATE YOUR BOOK TO YOUR PARENTS, WHICH 728 00:36:58,149 --> 00:36:58,382 IS LOVELY. 729 00:36:58,449 --> 00:36:59,283 >> YES. 730 00:36:59,350 --> 00:37:01,319 >> Stephen: BUT ALSO TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 731 00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:02,219 >> YES. 732 00:37:02,286 --> 00:37:04,322 >> Stephen: WHY, WHY TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN? 733 00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:05,756 >> BECAUSE HE'S VERY HOT. 734 00:37:05,823 --> 00:37:06,290 >> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE. 735 00:37:06,357 --> 00:37:07,658 >> I MEAN, HUGE. 736 00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:08,326 >> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE. 737 00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,161 >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 738 00:37:10,227 --> 00:37:15,099 SO I JUST WAS LIKE IT'S ONLY FITTING FOR THIS BOOK, AND HE 739 00:37:15,166 --> 00:37:16,267 COMMENTED ON MY INSTAGRAM. 740 00:37:16,334 --> 00:37:17,301 >> Stephen: WHAT? 741 00:37:17,368 --> 00:37:20,237 >> SO I'M LEAVING MY BOYFRIEND. 742 00:37:20,304 --> 00:37:22,039 THAT IS WHAT-- SORRY, BABE. 743 00:37:22,106 --> 00:37:24,075 >> Stephen: IF MICHAEL B. 744 00:37:24,141 --> 00:37:27,378 JORDAN WAS WEARING HIS OUTSIDE CLOTHES, COULD HE SIT ON YOUR 745 00:37:27,445 --> 00:37:28,179 BED? 746 00:37:28,245 --> 00:37:31,382 JUST SIT. 747 00:37:31,449 --> 00:37:33,751 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YES. 748 00:37:33,818 --> 00:37:37,088 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 749 00:37:37,154 --> 00:37:37,421 HE COULD. 750 00:37:37,488 --> 00:37:39,023 HE COULD. 751 00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:44,795 I WOULD SAY YOU AND MICHAEL B. 752 00:37:44,862 --> 00:37:46,197 JORDAN, YOU ARE THE TWO. 753 00:37:46,263 --> 00:37:47,264 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 754 00:37:47,331 --> 00:37:51,202 YOU HAVE THIS THING "THIRSTY THURSDAY" ON INSTAGRAM. 755 00:37:51,268 --> 00:37:52,236 >> YES. 756 00:37:52,303 --> 00:37:53,170 >> Stephen: WHERE YOU HIGHLIGHT HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES. 757 00:37:53,237 --> 00:37:54,372 >> YES. 758 00:37:54,438 --> 00:37:58,175 >> Stephen: AND YOU-- AND YOU WAX WHAT YOU CALL-- WHAT'S THE 759 00:37:58,242 --> 00:37:58,576 WORD? 760 00:37:58,643 --> 00:38:02,780 >> WAX HOETIC. 761 00:38:02,847 --> 00:38:05,049 >> Stephen: THIS IS ONE YOU DID RECENTLY. 762 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:08,486 THERE'S YOUR MAN, MICHAEL B. 763 00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:09,353 JORDAN. 764 00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:11,922 GIVE US A TASTE OF WHAT WAXING HOETIC IS. 765 00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:14,558 >> MY PARENTS DO NOT KNOW I DO THIS. 766 00:38:14,625 --> 00:38:18,062 >> Stephen: GIVE ME YOUR BEST... 767 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,331 >> WHATEVER YOU FEEL█ COMFORTABL WITH. 768 00:38:20,398 --> 00:38:24,402 >> Stephen: "HIS SKIN IS ALWAYS GLISTENING LIKE A PLATE 769 00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:26,604 THE SHORT RIBS AT A COOKOUT. 770 00:38:26,671 --> 00:38:30,074 PLUZ HE'S GOT THE KIND OF SMILE AND DISMS THAT MAKE YOU NOT READ 771 00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:33,811 THE FINE PRINT AND SIGN A SHADY CONTRACT ANYWAY. 772 00:38:33,878 --> 00:38:35,279 AND THOSE ABS! 773 00:38:35,346 --> 00:38:37,481 HE HAS, LIKE, EIGHT OF THOSE. 774 00:38:37,548 --> 00:38:38,382 MEANWHILE, I HIT UP NICOLAS CAGE FROM "NATIONAL TREASURE" TO SEE 775 00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:42,219 IF WE COULD FIND ONE AB ON ME. 776 00:38:42,286 --> 00:38:46,557 BASICALLY MICHAEL IS PHYSICAL PERFECTION AND TALENTED ACTOR 777 00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:49,527 AND PRODUCER AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,s BLAH, BLAH." 778 00:38:49,593 --> 00:38:54,965 HOW DOES 57-YEAR-OLD PAUNCHY MIDDLE-AGED GUY GET ON THE 779 00:38:55,032 --> 00:38:55,533 THIRSTY THURSDAYS? 780 00:38:55,599 --> 00:38:58,102 >> YOU KNOW YOU'RE CUTE. 781 00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:00,538 I WILL DO ONE-- I'M GOING TO DO ONE FOR YOU. 782 00:39:00,604 --> 00:39:01,138 >> Stephen: YOU WILL? 783 00:39:01,205 --> 00:39:06,277 >> I WILL DO ONE FOR YOU. 784 00:39:06,343 --> 00:39:06,911 IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. 785 00:39:06,977 --> 00:39:08,179 >> Stephen: FANTASTIC. 786 00:39:08,245 --> 00:39:13,651 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE BONO THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ON TOUR 787 00:39:13,718 --> 00:39:16,721 BECAUSE OF COVID, WE GOT YOU YOUR OWN LITTLE VISIT WITH BONO. 788 00:39:16,787 --> 00:39:18,923 >> OH, MY GOD! 789 00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:22,393 THAT IS SO CUTE! 790 00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:22,927 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 791 00:39:22,993 --> 00:39:24,228 >> I LOVE THAT. 792 00:39:24,295 --> 00:39:26,430 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, AND IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU. 793 00:39:26,497 --> 00:39:27,298 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY. 794 00:39:27,364 --> 00:39:28,766 >> OF COURSE, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 795 00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:30,768 THE BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE CLOTHES" 796 00:39:30,835 --> 00:39:31,602 IS IN STORES NOW. 797 00:39:31,669 --> 00:39:40,111 SHE'S PHOEBE ROBINSON, EVERYBODY. 798 00:39:40,177 --> 00:39:41,378 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 799 00:39:41,445 --> 00:39:44,882 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ANITA HILL AND THE STAR 800 00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:48,052 OF "THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK," ALESSANDRO NIVOLA. 801 00:39:48,119 --> 00:39:49,286 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 802 00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:50,621 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! 803 00:39:50,688 --> 00:40:04,301 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 804 00:40:04,368 --> 00:40:06,637 >> THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT WILL LIKELY EXHAUST ALL ITS 805 00:40:06,704 --> 00:40:09,440 EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES TO,A VOID DEFAULT. 806 00:40:09,507 --> 00:40:15,146 THEY'VE REALLOCATED FUNDS, SUSPENDED PENSION PAYMENTS. 807 00:40:15,212 --> 00:40:21,185 THEY'VE EVEN DUG UP GEORGE WASHINGTON'S GOLD! 808 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:26,857 >> OOOOH, STAY AWAY FROM ME, GOLD, YOU DEADBEATS! 809 00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:32,696 ( LAUGHING ) >> Stephen: AAARRRGGHHHH!