>> THE CAPITOL HEARING, SO MANY HAVE CIRCLED ON THEIR CALENDARS.
GENERAL MARK MILLEY ANSWERING QUESTIONS UNDER OATH.
HE'LL BE ASKED ABOUT HIS ACTIONS IN THE LAST DAYS OF THE
TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
>> INCLUDING CALLS TO HIS CHINESE COUNTERPARTS TO ASSURE
THEM THE UNITED STATES WAS NOT PLANNING AN ATTACK.
SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCUSED MILLEY OF TREASON.
>> HE NEEDS TO RESIGN, AND IF HE WON'T RESIGN, HE NEEDS TO BE
FIRED.
>> I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR QUESTIONS, AND THANK YOU,
CHAIRMAN, FOR THE EXTRA TIME.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
DREW CAREY AND PHOEBE ROBINSON
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU'VE KNOT TO
REHEARSE.
HEY!
HELLO.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I JUST-- ( APPLAUSE )
I JUST WANT TO SAY: DON'T PANIC.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT COLLAPSING...
UNTIL THURSDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, SENATE
REPUBLICANS SANK DEMOCRATS' PLANS TO FUND THE GOVERNMENT AND
RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT THE DEBT CEILING IS NOT THE SEXIEST
TOPIC-- THAT, AS EVER, IS MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF THIS DOESN'T GET RESOLVED
BY THURSDAY NIGHT, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL OFFICIALLY CLOSE
AS OF 12:01 A.M. ON FRIDAY.
( BOOING ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS?
NO SECURITY GUARDS WORKING AT THE SMITHSONIAN.
IT'S TIME FOR THE BIGGEST HEIST IN HISTORY.
I'M STEALING LINCOLN'S HAT!
NIC CAGE, CALL ME.
LEGEND HAS IT IT'S FILLED WITH CARAMEL CORN.
BUT THE SHUTDOWN ISN'T REALLY BAD NEWS.
NOT THE BADDEST OF THE BAD NEWS.
THAT WOULD BE THE DEBT CEILING.
YOU SEE, AFTER THE VOTE, CONGRESS GOT A STERN LETTER FROM
TREASURY SECRETARY AND DRAMA TEACHER AT HOGWARTS, JANET
YELLEN.
YELLEN WARNED THAT IF THE CONGRESS DOESN'T TAKE ACTION,
THE U.S. WILL DEFAULT ON ITS DEBTS BY OCTOBER 18.
THAT IS GOING TO RUIN THE SACRED MONTH OF ROCKTOBER!
HOW ARE WE GOING TO FUND GETTING THE LED OUT...
OF THE DRINKING WATER?
( LAUGHTER ) THE UNITED STATES HAS NEVER
DEFAULTED ON ITS DEBT IN ITS ENTIRE HISTORY.
AND THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THAT.
ADEFAULT WOULD BE FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON.
IT'S COMPLETE CRAZINESS TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE THE IDEA.
INTEREST RATES WOULD SPIKE.
THE VALUE OF THE U.S. DOLLAR WOULD DECLINE.
THE COST OF AUTO AND HOME LOANS WOULD RISE.
THE UNITED STATES COULD PLUNGE INTO AN IMMEDIATE RECESSION.
THERE WOULD BE CASCADING JOB LOSSES, A NEAR-FREEZE IN CREDIT
MARKETS, AND GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCT TAKING A TANGIBLE HIT
THAT COULD LAST FOR MULTIPLE QUARTERS.
MULTIPLE QUARTERS, BY THE WAY, WOULD ALSO BE ALL THE MONEY OUR
COUNTRY HAS LEFT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE WOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO DO ONE
LOAD OF LAUNDRY, BUT THEN WE GOTTA HANG DRY.
SO WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP?
WELL, SURPRISE, IT'S SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND THE GREAT
GOBLIN FOR THE HOBBIT-- NOT SURE IF YOU'RE BOOING FOR McCONNELL
OR THE HOBBIT.
THEY'RE BOTH BALD GUYS.
McCONNELL GOT EVERY SINGLE REPUBLICAN IN THE SENATE TO
OPPOSE RAISING THE DEBT CEILING BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT
DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE TO RAISE IT WITH NO REPUBLICAN VOTES
AND JUSTIFIED THAT BY SAYING THIS:
>> BIPARTISANSHIP IS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH-- A LIGHT SWITCH
THAT DEMOCRATS GET TO FLIP ON WHEN THEY NEED TO BORROW MONEY
AND SWITCH OFF WHEN THEY WANT TO SPEND MONEY.
>> Stephen: "YES, BIPARTISANSHIP IS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH.
IT'S A PELOTON BIKE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE TALK A LOT ABOUT HAVING IT,
BUT WE NEVER ACTUALLY TURN IT ON.
IT DOES MAKE A NICE COAT RACK."
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE IS A PLAN "B" FOR THE
DEBT CEILING.
HOUSE SPEAKER, NANCY PELOSI, SAYS HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE
DISCUSSING THEIR OPTIONS, INCLUDING MINTING A
$1 TRILLION COIN.
OH, GOOD, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE NEVER LOSE, IT'S
COINS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO BE SAFE, WHY NOT ALSO
MINT SOME TRILLION-DOLLAR AIRPODS?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I HEAR YOU ASKING, "WHAT
THE HUH?" COIN?
THIS TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN IDEA WAS FIRST FLOATED BY LEGAL
EXPERTS DURING THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY, CITING A "STRANGE
FEDERAL LAW GIVING THE U.S.
TREASURY SECRETARY THE POWER TO ISSUE PLATINUM COINS OF ANY
VALUE SHE WISHES."
NOW WE KNOW WHAT OBAMA MEANT WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT CHANGE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING-- THANK YOU.
REALLY?
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT ON.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WHAT AN HONOR.
WHAT AN HONOR TO GET A RIM SHOT FROM THE JAZZ COWBOY.
SPEAKING OF EX-POTUSES, WE'RE GETTING SOME NEW DETAILS ABOUT
THE WHITE HOUSE UNDER FORMER PRESIDENT COUPTHULU.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL IN ANOTHER BOMBSHELL
TELL-ALL, THIS ONE FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND
WOMAN WITH RESTING DEATH MASK FACE, STEPHANIE GRISHAM.
GRISHAM NEVER HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE DURING HER ENTIRE
TERM AS PRESS SECRETARY, BUT SHE'S SPILLING THE TEA ON D.J.T.
IN HER NEW BOOK, "I'LL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS NOW."
LITTLE LATE.
REMINDS ME OF THE "TITANIC" CREW MEMBER TELL-ALL: "I'LL LOOK OUT
FOR ICEBERGS NOW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GRISHAM-- ( APPLAUSE )
THEY WILL BE MISSED.
SO SAD.
GRISHAM WRITES ABOUT PUTIN'S ATTEMPTS TO MANIPULATE THE
EX-PREZ.
AT ONE MEETING, PUTIN'S TRANSLATOR WAS A VERY ATTRACTIVE
BRUNETTE WOMAN, AND U.S.
OFFICIALS SUSPECTED SHE HAD BEEN SELECTED BY PUTIN SPECIFICALLY
TO DISTRACT OUR PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A
PICTURE OF THAT TRANSLATOR.
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD LOOKING.
GOOD LOOKING!
( APPLAUSE ) DEALING WITH THE PRESIDENT'S
MOODS WAS A FULL-TIME JOB.
IN FACT, THERE WAS AN UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL KNOWN AS
THE "MUSIC MAN," DESIGNATED TO PLAY HIM HIS FAVORITE SHOW
TUNES, INCLUDING "MEMORY" FROM "CATS," TO PULL HIM FROM THE
BRINK OF RAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THEY WANTED TO DRIVE HIM
TO THE BRINK OF RAGE, THEY WOULD SHOW HIM THE MOVIE "CATS."
AND REMEMBER IN 2019, WHEN THE THEN-PRESIDENT UNEXPECTEDLY WENT
TO WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER BUT NOBODY KNEW WHY?
WELL, ACCORDING TO GRISHAM, THE PRESIDENT WENT FOR A
COLONOSCOPY.
WELL, SURE, WITH THIS PRESIDENT, THEY HAD TO FILM IT IN IMAX.
BUT, OF COURSE, WHEN IT CAME TO HIS B-HOLE, THE PRESIDENT HAD TO
BE AN A-HOLE.
HE WAS SO RELUCTANT TO HAND OVER POWERS OF THE PRESIDENCY TO VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE THAT HE UNDERWENT THE COLONOSCOPY
WITHOUT ANESTHESIA.
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
THAT HAD TO BE TERRIBLE...
FOR THE DOCTOR WHO HAD TO GIVE A COLONOSCOPY WHILE THE GUY ON THE
TABLE KEPT SCREAMING ABOUT HOW HE WON MICHIGAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, ONE OF HIS REASONS FOR
KEEPING THE COLONOSCOPY SECRET BACK THEN WAS THAT HE DIDN'T
WANT TO BE "THE BUTT OF A JOKE" OF TV COMEDIANS.
SIR, SIR, PLEASE, I WOULD NEVER HAVE MADE A JOKE ABOUT YOUR
BUTT.
I WOULD HAVE MADE IT A PRIMETIME SPECIAL: "THE LATE SHOW'S
PRESIDENTIAL BUTT-TASTIC ASS-TRAVAGANZA-COLON-HOW FULL
OF CRAP IS HE?" TURNING AWAY FROM THE
PRESIDENT'S BUTT FOR A MOMENT, LET'S TRAVEL A FEW INCHES DOWN
THE OLD TAINT HIGHWAY TO THE PRESIDENT'S JUNK.
BECAUSE AFTER STORMY DANIELS SPILLED THE BEANS ON HIS FRANK,
THE PRESIDENT CALLED GRISHAM FROM AIR FORCE ONE TO ASSURE HER
THAT HIS PENIS WAS NOT SMALL OR TOADSTOOL-SHAPED.
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE IN NEXT SEASON'S "AMERICAN CRIME STORY:
MUSHROOM DONG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ SO GOOD.
UNBELIEVABLE.
SARAH PAULSON PLAYS THE MUSHROOM DONG AND SHE JUST "TRANSFORMS."
UNBELIEVABLE.
EVERY DAY, SEVEN HOURS IN THE CHAIR, EVERY DAY.
IN COVID NEWS, SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS ARE HITTING KIDS IN THE
LUNCHBOX.
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, SCHOOLS ARE FACING SHORTAGES OF CAFETERIA
STAPLES LIKE CHICKEN, MEATBALLS, APPLE JUICE, AND EVEN PLASTIC
CUTLERY.
IT HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, CAFETERIAS HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SERVE
ORDERLY JOES.
( LAUGHTER ) ISSUES LIKE SCHOOL LUNCH
WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BIG DEAL IF WE HAD A ROBUST SOCIAL SAFETY
NET.
AND WHEN AMERICANS ARE LOOKING TO PAY FOR SOCIAL PROGRAMS,
LIBERAL POLITICIANS LIKE BERNIE SANDERS TEND TO POINT TO THE
SUCCESS STORY OF SCANDINAVIA.
SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO CHECK IN WITH OUR NORDIC FRIENDS
IN MY NEW SEGMENT: "SCANDINAVIA'S BJORKING NUUS."
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT'S THE LATEST FROM THIS
SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC UTOPIA?
YOUNG SCANDINAVIANS ARE STICKING NICOTINE POUCHES UP THEIR ASSES.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING: "AHHH!" ALSO, "WHY?"
WELL, TURNS OUT, KIDS CHEWING TOBACCO IS A BIG PROBLEM IN
SCANDINAVIA, AND IT GOT SO BAD THAT THE DANISH GOVERNMENT
ACTUALLY BANNED THE USE OF NICOTINE POUCHES DURING SCHOOL
HOURS.
AND THE KIDS' SOLUTION WAS TO SHOVE THEM UP THEIR BUTTS?
I HOPE THEY DON'T DO THAT WITH EVERYTHING SCHOOLS BAN.
"I CAN'T FOCUS.
I KNOW, I'LL USE MY FIDGET SPINNER.
WHEEEEEE!" >> Jon: OH, NO.
>> Stephen: GYROSCOPIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, TO BE FAIR, NOT EVERY
SCANDINAVIAN YOUTH IS SHOVING NICOTINE BAGS WHERE THE
NORTHERN LIGHTS DON'T SHINE.
SOME OF THEM ARE STICKING NICOTINE PATCHES UP THEIR
FORESKIN.
GOOD FOR YOU, KIDS.
WAY TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BUTT.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE PREPUCE PIONEER EXPLAINED
HIS REASONING, "I WAS BORED AND ABOUT TO TAKE A NICOTINE POUCH
AND MASTURBATE, AND MY CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF ME."
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS PENIS QUIT SMOKING.
( LAUGHTER ) OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY-- PLEASE
DON'T APPLAUD FOR THAT.
OBVIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD BE DOING ANY OF THIS, INCLUDING
THIS ONE GUY WHO REPORTEDLY GOT DRUNK AND FORGOT TO TAKE OUT
THE NICOTINE POUCH AGAIN.
THANKFULLY, THIS BEING SWEDEN, HE WAS ABLE TO GET IT OUT BY
FOLLOWING THIS HELPFUL DIAGRAM.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE DREW CAREY AND COMEDIAN PHOEBE ROBINSON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO.
GIVE IT UP.
COME ON, GET IT, GET IT.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
JON-- WE'VE GOT-- ♪ OOOOH, AHHH.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT COMING UP, COMING UP IN JUST A LITTLE
WHILE, THE WONDERFUL, THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, PHOEBE
ROBINSON, FANTASTIC COMEDIAN.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
SHE'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: AND OF COURSE OUR FRIEND AND CBS COLLEAGUE DREW
CAREY IS GOING TO BE HERE, HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.
50-- 50th ANNIVERSARY, THE "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
HOW MANY KIDS SICK HOME FROM SCHOOL OWE THEIR AFTERNOON
ENJOYMENT TO THAT SHOW?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
I LOVED IT.
I USED TO BE THERE CHECKING IT OUT WITH GRANDMA, YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT SONG YOU GUYS WERE JUST PLAYING?
>> Jon: THAT WAS A VERSION OF BEETHOVEN'S SEVENTH SYMPHONY.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT REALIZE BEETHOVEN WAS SO HIP.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT SWUNG IN WAYS I'M NOT USED TO BEETHOVEN DOING.
>> Jon: HE'S IN THERE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO PULL IT OUT ♪ DEE-DEE-DEE.
>> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU CLASSICALLY PLAY?
CAN YOU GIVE ME A TASTE OF THAT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: AND YOU JUST
DID...
♪ ♪ ♪ ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING )
>> Jon: YOU GOT A VIBE.
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE HAND-RAISING
AND SELECTING THE NEWSIEST, MOST-OPICAL SEVILLE ORANGES,
CAREFULLY SIMMERING THEM WITH TURBINADO SUGAR AND PRISTINE
FILTERED WATER TO CREATE FOR YOU A DOUBLE-GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING
BITTERSWEET ENGLISH MARMALADE TO SPREAD ON THE PERFECTLY TOASTED
ARTISANAL BRIOCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I GRAB AN EXPIRED TUB OF
WHIPPING CREAM, TOSS IT IN A BLENDER WITH THE HALF OF A
GOGURT I FOUND IN A SCHOOLYARD, AND LET THAT FERMENT BEHIND THE
FURNACE WHILE I FISH A DRIED PITA OUT OF THE GUTTER
UNDERNEATH THE CORNER KEBAB STAND, THEN SLATHER IT WITH THE
UNPASTEURIZED DAIRY NIGHTMARE DAIRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOESN'T MATTER.
"MEANWHILE" IS SO FORGIVING, IS WHAT IT IS.
MEANWHILE, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN GUITAR MAFIOSO STEVEN VAN ZANDT
SAYS HE LOVED THREESOMES SO MUCH IN THE 1970s THAT HE DEVELOPED A
TEMPORARY ADDICTION TO MENAGES A TROIS.
THAT IS THE MOST BALD ATTEMPT TO HIDE A BRAG UNDERNEATH BEING A
VICTIM: "LOOK, I KNEW I'D HIT ROCK
BOTTOM WHEN I REALIZED I WAS A WEALTHY ROCK STAR HAVING GROUP
SEX EVERY NIGHT WITH WOMEN WHO WORSHIPPED ME SEXUALLY.
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD REACHED OUT.
OR BETTER YET, TWO OF THEM."
( LAUGHTER ) LITTLE STEVEN CONTINUED
DISCUSSING HIS LITTLE STEVEN, SAYING, "THE 70s, THERE'S NEVER
BEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT, HONESTLY.
IT WAS JUST A WILD, WILD TIME AND THE WOMEN WERE TRULY, TRULY
LIBERATED THERE FOR A MINUTE."
"YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I'M 70, WOMEN NO LONGER HAVE GROUP SEX
WITH ME.
WHEN DID THEY BECOME SO OPPRESSED?"
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE
GLOBAL SHIPPING ENTERPRISES AND SECONDARY MARKET MEAT PRODUCTS"
SOMETIMES FIND SO MANY ANIMAL- RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAVE TO
REPACKAGE THEM IN OUR MEANWHILE SUBSEGMENT: "MEANWILD."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWILD, FOR YEARS, OFFICIALS
HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO CONTROL THE INVASIVE LANTERNFLY, AND NOW
THEY'VE RAISED THE ANTE.
AS "CBS NEWS PUT IT, "THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL SPOTTED
INSECT FLYING ACROSS THE U.S., AND OFFICIALS WANT YOU TO
KILL IT."
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I CANNOT ENDORSE KILLING THINGS THAT ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL.
IF WE DID THAT, HOW LONG COULD I POSSIBLY LAST?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWILD, THINGS GOT A LITTLE TOO EDUCATIONAL AT THE BRONX ZOO
LAST WEEK WHEN AN ADULT GORILLA WAS FILMED PERFORMING ORAL SEX
ON ITS PARTNER IN FRONT OF AGHAST ZOO-GOERS.
GORILLAS?
PLEASE GO BACK TO DOING RESPECTABLE, GENTEEL THINGS LIKE
HURLING YOUR POOP AT US.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
WANT YOU TO BRACE YOURSELF.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE IN MY NEW
ADULTS-ONLY SEGMENT: "MEANWILD AFTER DARK."
( APPLAUSE ) SEND THE KIDS OUT OF THE ROOM,
BUT NOT TO THE ZOO.
JIM?
>> LOOK AT THESE TWO, AWWW!
OH, NO, OH, NO!
>> OH, NO!
DON'T LOOK, JOSEY!
OH, GOD LORD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: THESE "PLANET OF THE APES" SEQUELS ARE GETTING SPICY!
I HAVE TO SAY, ANDY SERKIS IS REALLY COMMITTING.
APPARENTLY, THIS IS NOT UNUSUAL.
SCIENTISTS SAY ORAL SEX IS ACTUALLY FAIRLY COMMON
THROUGHOUT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WITH SIGHTINGS OF SPECIES
RANGING FROM CHEETAHS TO BEARS AND BATS ENGAGING IN THE
SALACIOUS ACT.
ADDING, "AND WE REALLY NEED TO WATCH A LOT OF ANIMAL ORAL SEX
FOR ALL THE RESEARCH AND STUFF PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR
WAY OUT."
MEANWILD, IN OHIO, THE LEWISBURG HAUNTED CAVE HAS REOPENED JUST
IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN, WHICH THEY CLAIM IS HOME OF BOTH
GHOULS AND TERRORS, AND 30,000 LIVE BATS.
WAIT, YOU CAN'T COMBINE REAL HORRORS WITH FAKE HORRORS.
IMAGINE WALKING THROUGH THAT WITH A SCARED KID:
"IT'S OK, HONEY.
NONE OF IT'S REAL, EXCEPT FOR THE BATS.
THEY'RE SUPER REAL.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE ARE ONLY 30,000 OF THEM."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DREW CAREY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: EVERYBODY, WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS THE HOST OF
"THE PRICE IS RIGHT," WHICH IS CELEBRATING 50 YEARS ON THE AIR.
NOW, LET'S MEET OUR FIRST GUEST DREW CAREY, COME ON DOWN!
YOU ARE THE FIRST GUEST ON "THE LATE SHOW"!
( "PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME SONG ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
COME ON UP, DREW.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: DREW, DREW?
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: DREW, THANKS SO MUCH.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: THANKS, THANKS.
DREW-- >> AAAH!
>> Stephen: DREW, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> I'M FROM CLEVELAND!
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?
>> A LITTLE NERVOUS, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
HAVE A SEAT.
$1, BOB!
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP-- DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP
ON THE PRICE OF ORDINARY THINGS IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL
BUTTONHOLE YOU ON THE STREET, "WHAT'S A PAINT OF MILK."
>> NO, PEOPLE DON'T ASK ME.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING GOING OUT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GAMES ARE PLAYING.
THEY GIVE ME A LIST THAT THEY PUT ON MY DESK IN MY DRESSING
ROOM BUT I NEVER LOOK AT IT.
THEY POINT ME TO A SPOT, AND I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY PLAYING
THIS ONE GAME.
AND IT SPINS AROUND AND THEY'RE PLAYING IT AND IT IS SO EASY.
>> Stephen: YOU ENJOY IT LIKE WE ARE AT HOME.
>> I GET TO WORK A HALF HOUR BEFORE I GO OUT ON STAGE.
>> Stephen: I MEAN THIS IN ALL FRIENDSHIP ( BLEEP ) YOU.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
I HATE TO TELL PEOPLE-- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: 14 YEARS, WHAT DID YOU THINK?
WHEN YOU GOT INTO THIS GIG, WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS GOING TO
BE?
>> AAH...
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT TURN OUT?
WHAT SURPRISED YOU?
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
>> IT'S SUCH A JOYOUS HAPPY PLACE.
EVERYBODY THERE IS ROOTING FOR A STRANGER TO DO WELL, WHICH YOU
DON'T SEE ANYWHERE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "I HOPE THAT PERSON LOSES," OR "KICK
THAT PERSON OFF THE ISLAND," YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S ALWAYS STUFF LIKE THAT.
ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT," IT'S, "YEAH, SCREW CBS!
TAKE ALL THEIR MONEY."
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUN.
>> Stephen: YOUR GUESTS ARE SO-- THEY'RE SO EXCITED.
HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF THEIR ENTHUSIASM FOR HAVING--
( LAUGHTER ).
>> THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR LEAVING MY PHONE IN THE DRESSING ROOM.
>> Stephen: AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT IS HAPPENING?
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT BOWLED OVER BY A HUMAN BOWLING BALL.
>> A GORILLA CAME OVER AND JUST BLEW ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
BLEW YOU DOWN, YOU MEAN.
BLEW YOU DOWN.
>> YEAH ( LAUGHING ).
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS A CRAZY BIT OF BUSINESS
THEY JUST FOUND OUT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: CBS, MAN, CBS.
>> YEAH, WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: I ONLY KIND OF WORK HERE, IS WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING.
>> IT'S SUCH A THRILL TO COME ON A SHOW WHERE I CAN SWEAR AND DO
DIRTY JOKES, BECAUSE I CAN'T SWEAR ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
>> Stephen: NOT EVEN HAVE IT BLEEPED.
>> YOU WON A ( BLEEP ) CAR!
I CAN'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: THEY'D BE SO HAPPY, THOUGH.
>> HOLY ( BLEEP )!
SEE WHAT HAPPENS?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: I HEARD-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS IS TRUE OR
HOW YOU WOULD KNOW, BUT THAT PAUL McCARTNEY IS A FAN.
>> YES.
I'M FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY NAMED CHRIS HOLMES-- HI, CHRIS.
BEFORE COVID HE WAS PAUL McCARTNEY'S D.J.
>> Stephen: PAUL McCARTNEY HAS A D.J.
>> TO OPEN HIS SHOWS GLI THOUGHT FOR WEDDINGS.
>> WHEN THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY HE DOES THAT, TOO.
HE TRAVELS WITH PAUL McCARTNEY AND PLAYS BEATLE REMIXES AND
COVERS AND DOES A REALLY NICE SET FOR AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW
STARTS.
HE GETS EVERYBODY IN THE BEATLES MOOD.
I WENT TO SEE HIM IN TORONTO.
AND HE SAID, "I THINK I CAN GET PAUL COME AND DO A
MEET-AND-GREET WITH YOU, GET A PICTURE."
I SAID, "THAT WOULD BE GREAT."
I'M WAITING TO GET A PICTURE TAKEN AND PAUL McCARTNEY WALKS
OUT AND SAYS, "HI, DREW."
AND I THOUGHT, CHRIS TOLD HIM WHO I WAS.
THAT'S HOW PAUL McCARTNEY KNOWS I'M HERE.
HE SAILED, "I LOVE 'PRICE IS RIGHT'.
I WATCH TRASH TV ALL THE TIME."
AND HE GOES, IS IT AS FUN AS IT SEEMS?
AND HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS LIKE THAT.
AND I WAS LIKE THIS IS CRAZY.
SO THEN I'M, LIKE, BOUNCING ABOUT THAT.
LIKE I CAN'T EVEN GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.
THEN I'M WATCHING WITH AMY, AND WE'RE IN THE FLOOR SEATS,
WATCHING THE SHOW, AND WE HAD PRETTY GOOD SEATS ON THE FLOOR,
WATCHING THE SHOW.
AND WE WERE UP DANCING IN THE FOLDING CHAIRS AND THEY'RE DOING
"BACK IN THE U.S.S.R.."
AND THE END KMEDS WITH THE ♪ OHH, OHH."
AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES, "COME ON DOWN TO THE 'PRICE IS
RIGHT '" ♪ OOO♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD.
AND THAT'S HOW YOU GOT THERE.
"THE PRICE IS RIGHT" IS HOW YOU GOT ON PAUL McCARTNEY'S RADAR.
>> I TEARED UP.
>> Stephen: I'M A LITTLE TEARED UP MANAGER ABOUT IT.
>> IT WAS INSANE.
I GOT CHRIS TO COME WITH ME.
WE WERE ON "FAMILY FEUD."
AND HE ALSO WATCHES "FAMILY FEUD."
HE SPENT A WHOLE TIME ON OUR "FAMILY FEUD INTRODUCTION SAYING
HI TO PAUL MA McCARTNEY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, WE'LL TALK ABOUT DREW'S TIME IN THE MARINES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
DREW CAREY.
PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU.
I DID, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR WIKIPEDIA
PAGE FOR YEARS.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU-- >> APPRECIATE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE IN THE MARINE RESERVE.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU ARE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: LEATHERNECK, DEVIL DOG.
>> I HAD MY DAY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> I HAD MY DAY.
>> Stephen: WHEN DID YOU JOIN?
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
>> I WAS 22 OR SOMETHING.
SO I WAS IN FOR SIX YEARS IN THE RESERVES, AND I GOT OUT IN '86.
I GOT OUT, LIKE, A FEW MONTHS AFTER I STARTED DOING STAND-UP.
SO MY-- THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN THE RESERVES-- YOU STILL HAVE TO
KEEP YOUR HAIR CUT SHORT, EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONCE A MONTH, SO I
NEVER REALLY GOT TO GROW MY HAIR OUT EVER.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE SEEN YOUR HAIR.
>> THIS IS THE LONGEST IT HAS BEEN SINCE I WAS 18 OR SOMETHING
OR 20.
AND I-- I-- I ALWAYS PROMISE MYSELF I'M GOING TO GROW MY HAIR
DOWN TO MY BUTT AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE MARINE CORPS BECAUSE
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO KEEP IT SHORT ALL THE TIME.
I STARTED TO GO STAND-UP, AND I HAD MY B.C.G.s, MARINE CORPS
SUIT ON AND BUZZ CUT, AND IT CAUGHT ON AND I WAS LIKE OH,
MAN, I'M STUCK WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER-- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT CARSON HERE
FOR A MINUTE.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: AS I REMEMBER, I THINK IT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU
WENT ON CARSON.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WATCHED IT, AND I DID-- DIDN'T YOU TALK ABOUT
PEOPLE SAYING, "HEY, HAVE A GREAT LOOK."
>> YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION PICTURE.
>> Stephen: AND THEY SAID, "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LOOK?"
AND YOU WOULD SAY, "THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE."
WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER QUICK BREAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WANT TO TALK WITH DREW ABOUT HIS FIRST
APPEARANCE WITH JOHNNY CARSON.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, WE'RE BACK WITH DREW CAREY.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE BIG MOMENT.
THIS IS 1991, THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
( APPLAUSE ) AND-- THAT'S NICE.
BUT EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE WHAT IT MEANT FOR JOHNNY TO CALL OVER A
COMIC.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT REALLY HAPPENS ANYMORE.
AND THERE IS NO ONE ELSE WHO ACTUALLY COULD MAKE IT SO
MEANINGFUL THAN JOHNNY.
>> NOBODY.
IT WAS LIKE-- I WAS IN SHOW BUSINESS THE VERY NEXT DAY.
HONESTLY, I TEAR UP WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT WAS LIFE
CHANGING.
I WAS A CLUB COMIC IN THE MORNING.
AND THAT FRIDAY NIGHT, I WAS IN SHOW BUSINESS.
AND MY MANAGER'S OFFICE, THEY DID NOTHING BUT SEND OUT TAPES
OF ME, AND I WAS GETTING THE CALLED THE NEXT DAY-- I WAS
WORKING IN CHICAGO, SO I HAD TO FLY BACK TO CHICAGO TO FINISH MY
WEEK.
WHEN I GOT BACK TO L.A., EVERY NIGHT THAT WEEK, I DID A SET AT
THE IMPROV FOR AGENTS.
AND THE FIRST MONDAY NIGHT, 28 WILLIAM MORRIS AGENTS SHOWED UP
TO SEE ME DO STAND-UP.
THE HEAD OF THE LIT DEPARTMENT.
THE HEAD OF THE MOVIE DEPARTMENT.
THE HEADLINE OF THE SITCOM DEPARTMENT.
THE HEAD OF THE BOOKS DEPARTMENT.
THEY ALL WANTED TO BE IN THE DREW CAREY BUSINESS.
IT WAS CRAZY.
>> Stephen: HOW WOULD IT HAPPEN WHEN JOHNNY WOULD CALL
YOU OVER?
WHAT WERE THE ACTUAL MECHANICS THERE.
YOU KNEW NOTHING BEFORE YOU WENT OUT THERE?
>> NO.
IT TOOK ME THREE-- I GOT PICKED TO DO THE SHOW AT MY FIRST
AUDITION, I WAS AT THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB.
THE COMIC WORLD, MY FRIENDS WERE ALL BUZZING, "I CAN'T BELIEVE
HAD GOT IT ON THE FIRST TRY," BECAUSE THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
YOU HAD TO AUDITION A BUNCH OF TIMES.
I WAS ON THIS LIST, AND IF SOMEBODY COULDN'T MAKE IT ONE OF
THE STARS, THEY WOULD CALL A COMIC AND THEY WOULD FILL IN.
I WAS STAYING AT A FRIEND'S OF MINE'S HOUSE, AND THEY SAW ME TO
DO STAND-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I WENT BACK TO DO A GIG, AND
I WENT BACK THAT NOVEMBER TO DO A WEEK AT THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB,
AND BOB SAGET INVITED ME TO A TAPING OF THE "FULL HOUSE."
IT WAS THE BEACH BOY EPISODE.
IT WAS REAL EXCITING BECAUSE I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A TV TAPING
AND I HAD MY SUIT WITH ME AND MY LITTLE SHAVING KIT AND STUFF.
AND IGET TO THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB, AND THE M.C. SAYS, "YOU
OKAY?" HE GREETS ME AT THE DOOP.
I SAID, "I'M FINE, WHAT HAPPENED.
HE SAID JIM McCAULEY WAS TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU
TO DO THE "TONIGHT SHOW, SO HE GOT JEFF SOSARIO TO DO IT
INSTEAD.
I MISSED THE CALL.
I CALLED McCAULEY ON MONDAY AND SAID, "I'M SORRY, I MISSED
THE CALL."
I LISTENED TO THE MESSAGE MACHINE WHEN I GOT BACK TO MY
FRIEND'S HOUSE AND IT WAS A DISASTER ONE CALL AFTER THE NEXT
NEXT.
AND I CALLED HIM ON MONDAY, "YEAH, I'M SORRY, YOU MISSED IT,
TOO.
BUT I'D LIEXZ TO SEE YOU AGAIN BEFORE YOU DO ANOTHER SET."
I WAS OFF THE LIST, AND IT TOOK ME THREE YEARS TO GET BACK ON
THE SHOW.
IT WAS MONTHS DRIVING ON THE ROAD AFTER A BREAK UP, I WAS
DRIVING AND CRYING ALL THE TIME-- HI, JACKIE.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PROBABLY A BETTER COMIC AFTER THAT.
>> I WAS SO POWERFUL, McCAULEY LET ME GO TO THE IMPROV-- I'LL
TRY TO WRAP THIS UP REALLY QUICK.
McCAULEY LET ME GO AND BACK AT THE IMPROV, IT WAS THREE YEARS,
IN MAY AGAIN, ALMOST EXACTLY THREE YEARS.
HE CAME TO SEE ME, AND THEY WERE LETTING COMICS AUDITION THAT
NIGHT SO THERE WERE A LOT OF STRONG COMICS.
AND I GOT UP IN FRONT OF THAT PACKED CROWD AND WHEN I WAS DONE
THEY WERE CHANTING MY NAME.
I GOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW" AND "HBO YOUNG COMEDIANS" THE SAME
NIGHT.
>> Stephen: DREW, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THE PRIMETIME SPECIAL CELEBRATING 50 YEARS OF
"THE PRICE IS RIGHT" AIRS THIS THURSDAY AT 9:00 P.M. ON CBS.
DREW CAREY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN PHOEBE ROBINSON.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, ACTOR AND A
BEST-SELLING AUTHOR.
HER LATEST BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE
CLOTHES."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" PHOEBE ROBINSON!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> WE DID IT!
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK, I'M GOING TO-- I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
ASK WHY DO YOU HAVE A PIECE OF SLATE IN YOUR HAND?
ARE YOU A ONE-ROOM SCHOOL TEACHER?
ARE YOU ABOUT TO TEACH ME MY ARITHMETIC?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> STEPHEN, I LOVE FREE THINGS, AND THIS WAS IN THE GREEN ROOM.
IT HAD SOME CHEESE ON IT AND BREAD.
I ATE IT.
>> Stephen: THE CHEESE AND THE BREAT BREAD.
>> I ATE.
I SAID, THIS IS REALLY CUTE, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> CAN I-- CAN I TAKE THIS HOME WITH ME?
>> Stephen: SURE, OF COURSE!
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY NO ON TELEVISION.
>> THANK YOU.
YES!
>> Stephen: THIS IS A NICE LITTLE CHEESE BOARD.
>> IT IS NICE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU COULD ROOF A HOUSE WITH IT.
>> YES.
IT'S PERFECT.
SO THANK YOU FOR THIS LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
>> Stephen YOU'RE WELCOME.
DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP IT ON THE OTHER CHAIR OR KEEP IT HERE
UNTIL WE'RE READY?
>> I'LL KEEP IT ON THE CHAIR.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET IT BACK.
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS A THEME OF OUR TALKS.
THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON HERE, YOUR BIRTHDAY PASSED RECENTLY,
AND YOU ACTUALLY SHARED WITH ME A COOKIE YOUR FRIENDS HAD GIVEN
YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GO SEE U2?
>> ON MY BIRTHDAY.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND AND I FLY AROUND THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOUR FRIENDS GAVE YOU A BONO-SHAMED COOKIE, BUT
WHEN IT ARRIVED THEY ALL SAID IT LOOKED LIKE ME.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE YOU!
>> Stephen: WE ATE IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS YEAR?
>> WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER, YOU'RE INVITED, AT SOME FRENCH
PLACE LE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND I'M HERE WITH YOU DOING "COLBERT."
NO SEXUALLY.
KEEP IT CLEAN!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE WE WILL.
CBS.
YOUR NEW BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE
CLOTHES.
THE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT IS AN "OUTSIDE CLOTHES."
>> WHAT YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW, IF YOU STEP OUTSIDE AND A
PARTICLE OF AIR TOUCHES YOUR FABRIC, IT IS OFFICIALLY OUTSIDE
CLOTHES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YES!
STEPHEN!
ARE YOU OUT HERE IN THE STREETS, AND YOU'RE GOING BACK HOME, AND
YOU'RE JUMPING INTO BED WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR CLOTHES?
>> Stephen: YOU SAY "DON'T SIT ON MY BED."
>> YES.
YOU CAN'T SIT ON ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I HAVE TO TAKE OFF
MY CLOTHES WHEN I COME INTO YOUR HOUSE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
>> BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG WITH A CHANGE-- I'M KIDDING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS A RULE MY PARENTS HAD GROWING UP, AND IT
REALLY STUCK WITH ME.
WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE, I GOT MY ROOM ESSENTIALS, BEDDING FROM
TARGET.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER.
SHOUT OUT TO ESSENTIALS, CAN I GET A SPONSORSHIP?
PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER, AND I WOULD FREAK OUT ABOUT PEOPLE
SITTING ON MY BED.
I WAS LIKE, YOU CAN HAVE ONE BUTT CHEEK ON AND THE OTHER HAS
TO DANGLE OFF.
>> Stephen: WOW, OKAY.
SO JUST A QUICK CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE AND
CLEANER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: KIND OF LIKE YOU'RE WORKING AT SOME SORT OF
NUCLEAR FACTORY.
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CHANGE.
NOW, YOU ALSO-- YOU DEDICATE YOUR BOOK TO YOUR PARENTS, WHICH
IS LOVELY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BUT ALSO TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHY, WHY TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN?
>> BECAUSE HE'S VERY HOT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
>> I MEAN, HUGE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SO I JUST WAS LIKE IT'S ONLY FITTING FOR THIS BOOK, AND HE
COMMENTED ON MY INSTAGRAM.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> SO I'M LEAVING MY BOYFRIEND.
THAT IS WHAT-- SORRY, BABE.
>> Stephen: IF MICHAEL B.
JORDAN WAS WEARING HIS OUTSIDE CLOTHES, COULD HE SIT ON YOUR
BED?
JUST SIT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE COULD.
I WOULD SAY YOU AND MICHAEL B.
JORDAN, YOU ARE THE TWO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE THIS THING "THIRSTY THURSDAY" ON INSTAGRAM.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHERE YOU HIGHLIGHT HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU-- AND YOU WAX WHAT YOU CALL-- WHAT'S THE
WORD?
>> WAX HOETIC.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE YOU DID RECENTLY.
THERE'S YOUR MAN, MICHAEL B.
JORDAN.
GIVE US A TASTE OF WHAT WAXING HOETIC IS.
>> MY PARENTS DO NOT KNOW I DO THIS.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME YOUR BEST...
>> WHATEVER YOU FEEL█ COMFORTABL WITH.
>> Stephen: "HIS SKIN IS ALWAYS GLISTENING LIKE A PLATE
THE SHORT RIBS AT A COOKOUT.
PLUZ HE'S GOT THE KIND OF SMILE AND DISMS THAT MAKE YOU NOT READ
THE FINE PRINT AND SIGN A SHADY CONTRACT ANYWAY.
AND THOSE ABS!
HE HAS, LIKE, EIGHT OF THOSE.
MEANWHILE, I HIT UP NICOLAS CAGE FROM "NATIONAL TREASURE" TO SEE
IF WE COULD FIND ONE AB ON ME.
BASICALLY MICHAEL IS PHYSICAL PERFECTION AND TALENTED ACTOR
AND PRODUCER AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,s BLAH, BLAH."
HOW DOES 57-YEAR-OLD PAUNCHY MIDDLE-AGED GUY GET ON THE
THIRSTY THURSDAYS?
>> YOU KNOW YOU'RE CUTE.
I WILL DO ONE-- I'M GOING TO DO ONE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL?
>> I WILL DO ONE FOR YOU.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE BONO THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ON TOUR
BECAUSE OF COVID, WE GOT YOU YOUR OWN LITTLE VISIT WITH BONO.
>> OH, MY GOD!
THAT IS SO CUTE!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, AND IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.
>> OF COURSE, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
THE BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE CLOTHES"
IS IN STORES NOW.
SHE'S PHOEBE ROBINSON, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ANITA HILL AND THE STAR
OF "THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK," ALESSANDRO NIVOLA.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT WILL LIKELY EXHAUST ALL ITS
EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES TO,A VOID DEFAULT.
THEY'VE REALLOCATED FUNDS, SUSPENDED PENSION PAYMENTS.
THEY'VE EVEN DUG UP GEORGE WASHINGTON'S GOLD!
>> OOOOH, STAY AWAY FROM ME, GOLD, YOU DEADBEATS!
( LAUGHING ) >> Stephen: AAARRRGGHHHH!