>> THIS MORNING, A CHEAP OPTION FOR TOURISTS VISITING THE CITY
HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN.
>> YES, THE NEW YORK CITY SHERIFF SAYS SEVERAL VANS WERE
BEING RENTED OUT ON AIRBNB IN VIOLATION OF THE LAWS.
THE NEW YORK CITY SHERIFF WORKED WITH THE NYPD'S DOCUMENT FRAUD
UNIT AND DISCOVERED AN "OPERATION OF ALLEGED FRAUDULENT
AND ILLEGALLY REGISTERED VEHICLES BEING USED AS AIRBNB
RENTALS."
>> NEW YORK CITY, ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT TOURIST
DESTINATIONS, AND HOTELS CAN BE EXPENSIVE, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
INTRODUCING THE NEW LUXURY HOTEL ALTERNATIVE.
CARGOVAN, A WINDOWLESS VAN, OFFERING ALL THE AMENITIES OF A
WINDOWLESS VAN -- CUP HOLDERS, CONTINENTAL
BREAKFAST, AND AN ON-SUITE BATHROOM.
YOU WILL EVEN GET A COMPLEMENTARY WAKEUP CALL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
REMEMBER OUR MOTTO -- IF THIS VAN'S A-ROCKIN', THE POLICE
FOUND OUT -- RUN!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, AS IS.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES PAUL GIAMATTI, AND JOHN STEWART TAKES
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
THAT'S A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M REFRESHED!
I'M ENGAGED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOT THE JUMPER CABLES HOOKED
UP!
WELCOME!
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
PLEASE!
PLEASE REST YOUR WEARY BONES!
WWELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LAT SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LITTLE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE.
REMEMBER THE WEIRD ELECTION AUDIT THAT THE
REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED SENATE OF ARIZONA HIRED SOME WEIRD STOP
THE STEAL FOLKS TO DO IN MARICOPA COUNTY?
WELL, WE FINALLY HAVE THE RESULTS AND THE REPUBLICAN-LED
ARIZONA AUDIT REAFFIRMED JOE BIDEN'S WIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I AGREE.
WELL DONE.
WHICH BRINGS US TO A BREAKING NEWS ALERT:
>> LATE SHOW BREAKING NEWS >> STEPHEN: THE LATE SHOW IS
READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON ARIZONA.
AND THEREFORE, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN IS STILL PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
WE NOW GO LIVE TO ELECTION HEADQUARTERS TO OUR NUMBER
CRUNCHER, STEVE KORNACKI, STILL STANDING BY SINCE LAST NOVEMBER.
STEVE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US?
( LAUGHTER ) DASMEN IT!
I TOLD YOU!
I FORGET TO FEED HIM!
( LAUGHTER ) SHOULD HAVE GOT HIM ONE OF THOSE
CAT FOUNTAINS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS AUDIT IS A CRUSHING
HUMILIATION FOR THE GOP, BECAUSE NOT ONLY WAS BIDEN FOUND TO BE
THE WINNER AGAIN, BUT THE SEARCH FOR FRAUDULENT BALLOTS ACTUALLY
YIELDED 99 ADDITIONAL VOTES FOR BIDEN AND 261 FEWER VOTES FOR
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
HE LEAL DID GET TIRED OF WINNING.
( LAUGHTER ) THE AUDIT WAS CONDUCTED BY A
FIRM CALLED CYBER NINJAS, WHO HAD NO HISTORY OR EXPERTISE IN
THE AREA AND WHOSE C.E.O., ENDORSED WILD CONSPIRACY
THEORIES THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS RIGGED AND STOLEN FROM
FORMER PRESIDENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
SO THEY HIRED MAGA FANS AND EVEN THEY COULDN'T SAY 45 WON.
THAT'S LIKE HIRING YOUR MOM TO JUDGE THE HANDSOMEST BOY CONTEST
AND STILL LOSING TO A 78 YEAR OLD GUY FROM DELAWARE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD LOOKING MAN, THOUGH.
FINE LOOKING.
>> Jon: MM-HMM, ROBINETTE.
>> Stephen: THE CYBERNINJAS ALSO MESSED
WITH THE VOTING MACHINES, SO NOW MARICOPA COUNTY WILL HAVE TO
SPEND $3 MILLION TO REPLACE THEM.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BUT SINCE THEY'RE NINJAS...
MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE.
( NINJA MUSIC ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY HAVEN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) SO BIDEN HAS WON ARIZONA, AND
REPUBLICANS KNOW IT.
THEY CALLED FOR THE AUDIT, THEY PAID FOR THE AUDIT, THEY
CONDUCTED THE AUDIT, WHICH CONFIRMED THE FORMER PRESIDENT
LOST ON THE FORENSIC AUDIT, OR AS HE PUT IT:
>> WE WON ON THE ARIZONA FORENSIC AUDIT YESTERDAY AT A
LEVEL THAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, WE WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOTHING'S GOING TO SHUT THIS GUY
UP.
NO MATTER WHAT THE RESULTS ARE, HE'S JUST GONNA SAY HE WON.
HE'S NOT PLAYING THREE DIMENSIONAL CHESS.
HE'S NOT EVEN PLAYING REGULAR CHESS.
HE'S JUST SHOVING THE BISHOP UP HIS BUTT AND YELLING, "YAHTZEE
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PLAY.
>> Stephen: PAINT THE PICTURE.
BY THE WAY, THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL ENDING TO THE QUEEN'S
GAMBIT.
( LAUGHTER ) CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT USED HIS RALLY TO ROLL OUT ALL THE HITS.
LIKE THIS CLASSIC: >> AND YOU KNOW, THEY ARE
STARTING TO SAY VERY STRONGLY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> STEPHEN: REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL:
(SINGS) HAVE YOURSELF A VERY STRONGLY
CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S A THING WE SAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BIG CHRISTMAS BOY THEN
TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO WYOMING REPRESENTATIVE AND REAL
ESTATE AGENT WHO DOESN'T TELL YOU SOMEONE DIED IN THIS HOUSE
BECAUSE SHE'S THE KILLER LIZ CHENEY.
( LAUGHTER ) CHENEY HAS BEEN A VOCAL OPPONENT
OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
SHE SUPPORTED HIS SECOND IMPEACHMENT AND REFUSED TO
PARTICIPATE IN THE BIG LIE THAT HE WON THE ELECTION.
WHICH MIGHT BE WHY, ON THE BIG SCREENS AT THE RALLY, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT SHOWED THIS MEME OF LIZ CHENEY WITH GEORGE
W. BUSH'S FACE.
THAT IS PATHETIC.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KICKED OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA SO
HE'S BEEN REDUCED TO AN OLD MAN, TRAVELING FROM TOWN TO TOWN,
EXPLAINING MEMES IN PERSON.
(AS OLD MAN) YOU SEE, THE YOUNG MAN IS
WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.
THE MAN REPRESENTS YOU, AND THE GIRLFRIEND REPRESENTS GETTING 8
HOURS OF SLEEP.
BUT THE MAN IS LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN WALKING THE OTHER
WAY, WHO REPRESENTS READING THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR THE MARY KATE
AND ASHLEY MOVIE "BILLBOARD DAD" AT 3:00 AM.
IT'S AN ALLEGORY ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION IN THE INFORMATION
AGE.
ANYWAY, I'LL BE IN PEORIA ON THURSDAY TO TALK ABOUT A LADY
WHO JUST TRIED KOMBUCHA.
WHAT HER FACE DOES WILL SURPRISE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY KNOW THE KOMBUCHA ONE.
THEY KNOW THE LONG WALK, BUT THERE WAS WATER IN THE WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) CHENEY, WHO IS ALLOWED ON
TWITTER, CLAPPED BACK, TWEETING: I LIKE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS WHO
WIN REELECTION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: SICK BURN, LIZ, YOU GOT HIM.
OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY...
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
( CHEERING ) ONE MISSION THAT IS NOT
ACCOMPLISHED IS GETTING THE NATION VAXXED.
BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HIS PART TODAY, GETTING HIS BOOSTER SHOT
ON LIVE TELEVISION.
THAT'S THE FIRST PRICK I'VE SEEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE SINCE
JANUARY.
( APPLAUSE ) I UNDERSTAND HE WAS DOING THIS
ON CAMERA, TO ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY TO GET THE SHOT, AND
THAT'S GOOD, BUT ALL I COULD SEE WAS WHAT LOOKED LIKE INCREDIBLY
FAKE WINDOWS BEHIND THE PRESIDENT.
IT'S A FAKE ROOM IT'S LIKE WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA FELL UNCONSCIOUS
IN THE 1940S THEN WOKE UP NOW, EXCEPT JOE BIDEN WASN'T
PRESERVED IN ICE IN BETWEEN.
OUR HEAD OF RESEARCH, BRANDON MARIANACCI, ACTUALLY CALLED THE
WHITE HOUSE TO ASK IF THOSE ARE REAL WINDOWS, AND THE WHITE
HOUSE SAID, AND THIS IS TRUE, WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WILL GET BACK TO US?
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DOUBLE-CHECK IF A WINDOW IS REAL
IT'S LIKE A DOCTOR SAYING LET'S RUN SOME TESTS AND ONCE WE GET
YOUR BLOOD-WORK BACK, I'LL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU IF I WENT TO
MED SCHOOL.
OKAY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT BRANDON HAS HEARD BACK FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE.
LET'S GET THE EXCLUSIVE SCOOP.
BRANDON, YOU ACTUALLY SPOKE TO OFFICIALS IN THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION, DID THEY CONFIRM THAT THOSE WERE, IN FACT, FAKE
WINDOWS?
>> YES >> STEPHEN: I KNEW IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I KNEW IT!
HOLD ON!
WHAT IF FAKE WINDOWS ARE JUST THE START?
WAS THE BOOSTER REAL?
WAS THAT HIS REAL ARM?
WHAT IF IT WAS A CAKE?
REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING WAS CAKE?
IS IT LAUREL OR IS IT YANNY?
BRANDON, AM I SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL?
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT, WAS THAT JUST
THE SAME YES WE USED EARLIER?
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, BRANDON.
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON WINDOWGATE AS IT CONTINUES TO NOT MATTER.
AT ALL.
SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT ONLY REFUSING THE FREE, LIFE-SAVING
MEDICINE, THEY'RE ANGRY ABOUT IT.
THIS WEEKEND, SOME NEW YORKERS DEFIED LOCAL MANDATES AND
STORMED A STATEN ISLAND FOOD COURT, REFUSING TO SHOW
PROOF-OF-INOCULATION.
THEY JUST COULDN'T RESIST ALL THE OPTIONS YOU GET AT A STATEN
ISLAND FOOD COURT.
THERE'S PAULIE'S MEATBALLS SAL AND SONS HOUSE OF MEATBALLS,
CINNA-MEATBALL AND AUNTIE ANN'S MEATZELS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CROWD OF AROUND TWENTY
INCLUDED ALL THE USUAL COVID EXPERTS, LIKE
TONY SOPRANO WHO SKIPPED THERAPY, AND GUY WEARING A Q
SENT ME T-SHIRT.
IN THIS CASE, THE Q STANDS FOR QUIZNOS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, WHAT WERE THE ANTI-VAXIVISTS
THERE TO DO?
>> EAT.
THAT IS WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO.
>> EVERYBODY, GO GET FOOD AND EAT.
THAT IS WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO.
THEN WE'RE GONNA MEET BACK OVER THERE AND GO INTO THE FOOD COURT
AREA AND SIT OUR BUTTS DOWN.
AND STAY AS LONG AS WE LIKE.
>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY THAT'S NOT A PROTEST, THAT'S A FIELD TRIP
TO THE MALL FOR 5TH GRADERS.
(AS TEACHER) ALL RIGHT, KIDS!
WE'RE GONNA GO GET OUR FOOD AND THEN WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SIT DOWN
AND EAT!
WHERE'S CARSON?
CARSON?
MIKALAH, WHERE'S CARSON?
HE WAS YOUR BUDDY!
SHHH-- EVERYBODY QUIET, HE'S GOT ASTHMA, LISTEN FOR THE WHEEZING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH -- OH --
>> Stephen: THEY FIND HIM.
IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
THANKS TO VACCINE HESITANCY, RED STATES ARE HAVING FAR WORSE
CONSEQUENCES FROM DELTA THAN BLUE STATES, OR AS THEY CALL IT,
BEING GREAT AGAIN.
BUT ONE CONSERVATIVE KNOWS WHO'S TO BLAME:
LIBERALS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT BREITBART WRITER AND NEW, MOST TROUBLED
NOLTE, JOHN NOLTE.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, NOLTE PINCHED OUT A
COLUMN THAT CLAIMED, "THE ORGANIZED LEFT IS DELIBERATELY
PUTTING UNVACCINATED MAGA SUPPORTERS IN AN IMPOSSIBLE
POSITION WHERE THEY CAN EITHER NOT GET A LIFE-SAVING VACCINE OR
CAN FEEL LIKE CUCKS CAVING TO THE UGLIEST, SMUGGEST BULLIES IN
THE WORLD."
TYPICAL BULLY BEHAVIOR.
(AS BULLY) HEY DWEEB!
GIMME YOUR LUNCH MONEY, SO I CAN HELP YOU MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES IN
THE CAFETERIA.
TWO COVID SHOTS FOR FLINCHING -- OH, YOU ARE LIVE MEAT, BUDDY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOLTE GOES ON TO SAY THAT HE
SINCERELY BELIEVES LIBERALS ARE TRYING TO TRICK CONSERVATIVES
INTO NOT GETTING VAXXED USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.
( LAUGHTER ) HE GOT ME.
AS THE SON OF AN N.I.H.
IMMUNOLOGIST, I HAVE MADE IT MY LIFE'S MISSION TO KEEP PEOPLE
FROM GETTING VACCINATED, USING THE PROVEN SCIENCE OF REVERSE
PSYCHOLOGY.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I HAD THIS MUCH POWER.
SO, TO ALL MY MAGA-VIEWERS WATCHING THE NEXT DAY ON THE
INTERNET LOOKING FOR CODEDS, I JUST WANT TO SAY, DON'T GET THE
VACCINE.
BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE YOUR BALLS SWELL TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE, EVEN
IF YOU DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE BALLS.
THEY WILL BECOME GIANT, MAGNETIC ORBS, WHICH WILL EMIT A 5G
SIGNAL SO STRONG THAT BILL GATES WILL USE IT TO WATCH NETFLIX.
( APPLAUSE ) AND I KNOW YOU'LL ALL BELIEVE
ME, BECAUSE YOU'RE SMART AS A BAG OF DOOR KNOBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS BILLIONS STAR PAUL GIAMATTI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO
MR JON STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE LEGEND --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, I'M HEARING VERY GOOD
THINGS ABOUT Y'ALL'S PERFORMANCE THIS WEEKEND ADD GLOBAL
CITIZENS.
YOU GUYS CRUSHED IT.
>> Jon: YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THE
WHOLE EXPERIENCE.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR Y'ALL?
>> Jon: AMAZING.
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE GREAT LAWN?
>> 60,000 OR SO.
JUST CASUAL.
>> Stephen: JUST FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG OF A SET DID Y'ALL DO?
>> Jon: OH, WE PLAYED FOR CINDY LAUPER, LISSY KAREN AND
DID A 20-MEANT SET FROM THE "WE ARE" ALBUM, AND WE ROCKED THAT
SUCKER, MAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, WHERE CAN I
SEE IT?
>> IT'S ONLINE.
I THINK IT'S GLOBAL CITIZEN.
AND ALSO YOU CAN CHECK OUT WAYS YOU CAN ACTUALLY GIVE BACK
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT.
WE'RE TRYING TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE AND CHANGE THIS WORLD FOR
THE BETTER.
>> Stephen: GLOBAL CITIZEN.org.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, JON.
I'M VERY EXCITED BECAUSE MY GOOD FRIEND JON STEWART'S NEW SHOW IS
PREMIERING THIS THURSDAY ON APPLE TV+.
IT'S CALLED "THE PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART" AND IT'LL BE AIRING
EVERY OTHER WEEK.
IT'S PERFECT IF YOU LOVED HIM ON THE DAILY SHOW, BUT WISHED IT
WAS LESS OFTEN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IN EACH EPISODE JON IS GOING
TO DO A DEEP DIVE ON ONE TOPIC.
SO I FIGURE WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE HIS NEW SHOW THAN BY
DOING A DEEP DIVE ON JON STEWART HIMSELF?
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT RECENTLY JON STEWART STOPPED BY
AND TOOK THE VERY REVEALING, PATENT-PENDING, COLBERT
QUESTIONERT.
♪♪ JOHN STEWART'S HERE EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE SEEN EACH
OTHER FOR MANY YEARS.
TO TRULY KNOW SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO INTERVIEW THEM ON A TALK
SHOW.
THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE MOST REVEL R REVEALATORY.
>> WE SPENT MANY HOURS TALKING BUT DO WE REALLY KNOW EACH
OHER?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!.
>> OPEN BOOK!
>> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION ON THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: JON STEWART, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> OH, JEEZ -- >> Stephen: WE'RE NOT PLAYING
HERE.
>> YOU CAN'T ANSWER IT IN TERMS OF A PARTICULAR SANDWICH.
THE BEST SANDWICH IS ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS THE
BREAD-TO-INGREDIENT RATIO AND DOES NOT -- SO I CAN'T SAY TO
YOU -- >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T DO A
HOAGIE?
>> CAN'T DO A HOAGIE?
ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?
OF COURSE YOU CAN DO A HOAGIE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BIG BUN, MAN.
>> IT'S NOT A BIG -- STEPHEN, HAVE YOU HAD A SANDWICH?
WHAT KIND OF -- >> Stephen: I'VE HAD A FEW.
OKAY.
WHETHER IT BE A PO BOY, A HOAGIE, KAISER, MUFFULETTA, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS THE RATIO OF INGREDIENT TO BREAD AND THE
ADDITION OF YOUR LIQUIDITY, WHETHER IT BE A CONDIMENT OR --
>> Stephen: A PICKLE, I'D SAY.
A PICKLE IS -- I MEAN, THAT'S A BOLD ADDITION.
WHAT'S NICE ABOUT THE PICKLE IS YOU'RE GETTING A FLAVOR
ADDITION, BUT ALSO A TEXTURAL JOLT, IF YOU WILL.
>> Stephen: SURE.
THAT BREAKS IN.
SO WHAT HAPPENS IS YOUR MOUTH COMES THROUGH THE BREAD
GENERALLY FRESH, SOMEWHAT SOFT.
SO IN YOUR MIND YOU'RE, LIKE, OH, I'VE GOT THIS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
BUT THEN YOU HIT THAT MOTHER ( BLEEP ) PICKLE.
AAAHHH!
AND IT'S -- HELLO!
I WANT IN!
AND YOU'VE GOT TO REALLY WORK, AND WHEN YOU GET THROUGH, IT
BURSTS AND YOU JUST -- SO WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: QUESTION TWO.
ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE PERCENTAGE -- PERCENTAGE OF
BREAD TO INGREDIENT?
>> YES.
SO IT'S GOT TO BE -- I THINK YOUR RANGE IS 65 TO 75%
INGREDIENT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS CORRECT.
THIS IS CORRECT.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
OUT?
>> EVERYTHING I WEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> OH, OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
SCARIEST ANIMAL.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
O IT'S GOT TO BE AN ANIMAL, A LAND ANIMAL, CAN'T BE
SOMETHING FROM THE SEA.
>> Stephen: ANIMALS IN THE SEA ARE STILL ANIMALS, JON.
>> NO, THEY'RE NOT.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT ROBOTS.
>> THEY'RE FISH.
>> Stephen: FISH ARE ANIMALS.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: AREN'T FISH ANIMALS?
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
>> I DISAGREE.
>> Stephen: SO A SHARK IS NOT SCARY?
>> NO, IT IS, BECAUSE -- SO HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH A SHARK
AND THE PROBLEM WITH FISH IN GENERAL, IT'S THE MEDIUM IN
WHICH THEY TRAVEL BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SCARY WHEN YOU
HAVE NO VISIBILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED?
I'M JUST A CRAZY OLD MAN OFF THE STREET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I GOT A GLIMPSE OF ME ON THE CAMERA AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I
WAS, LIKE, DIDN'T I GIVE THAT GUY MONEY THE OTHER DAY RIGHT
OUTSIDE THE WEST THIRD STREET SUBWAY STATION?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LAND ANIMAL,
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL.
I ASKED YOU, SIR, AT LONG LAST WOULD YOU NOT ANSWER MY
( BLEEP ) QUESTION?
WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, JON STEWART?
>> GIVE ME TIME?
>> Stephen:IVE GIVEN YOU A LOT OF TIME.
>> I'M GOING TO SAY A CAT.
>> Stephen: NOT JUST A CAT, A TIGER, NOT A CAT.
WHY IS IT TERRIFYING?
>> BECAUSE THE TIGER IS NOT IN YOUR HOUSE.
THE CAT IS A KILLING MACHINE.
>> Stephen: I FORGET THE PREMISE OF THIS QUESTION IS THAT
YOU NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, SO NOTHING CAN BE TERRIFYING TO YOU
UNLESS IT'S ACTUALLY INSIDE.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AND AND I WOULD NEVER LET A TIGER OR A PANTHER IN THE HOUSE.
IT'S WHAT I SAID TO MY WIFE, MY WIFE, ANIMAL RESCUER, LOVES
ANIMALS BUT I HAVE DRAWN THE LINE AT PREDATORS.
WE NEED TO RESCUE A SHEEP, GOAT, PIG.
THAT'S FINE.
I'M WAITING TO COME HOME ONE DAY AND THERE'S A PUMA IN THE
GARAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S DISALLOWED.
CAT, KILLING MACHINE, IT WILL MURDER ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AND IT WILL BRING IT TO YOU AND PUT IT ON YOUR BED AS IF TO SAY
YOU BETTER KEEP (BLEEP) FEEDING ME OR I WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
CATS -- LET ME SAY THIS -- AND THESE PEOPLE KNOW.
THESE PEOPLE AREN'T FOOLS.
THEY KNOW THE CAT IS THE SCARIEST.
I SAID IT AND IT WAS A LAUGHTER OF RECOGNITION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,
JON STEWART TELL US US WHAT SONG HE WOULD LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF HIS LIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
>> AND NOW THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT!, WITH MY FRIEND, MR. JON STEWART.
APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: CORRECT ANSWER.
CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> UH, VERY LITTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I MEAN, IF -- HERE'S
WHAT I WOULD SAY, AND I WOULD SAY THIS, ( BLEEP ) IS WHAT'S
HAPPENING WHEN YOU MOVE, BUT YOU DON'T, SO, CLEARLY, THERE'S
NOTHING GOING ON.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> I'M NOT A FAVORITE MOVIE GUY.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY TAKING THE
QUESTIONERT.
>> OH, GOD -- FINDING NEMO?
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE.
>> IT IS AN ACTION MOVIE.
I DON'T -- >> Stephen: YOU CAN GO WITH
FINDING NEMO.
>> DEFINE ACTION MOVIE BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: BY ACTION MOVIE, GENERALLY SPEAKING, SOMETHING
EXPLODES IN AN ACTION MOVIE OR SOMEONE FALLS FROM A GREAT
HEIGHT OR -- THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GUN PLAY, COULD BE
SWORDPLAY.
>> THE MOVIE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW SOUNDS VERY GOOD.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL?
>> THE BEACH.
>> Stephen: THE BEACH.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> SOME OF THE THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EXERCISE --
THAT'S, BY THE WAY, NEW JERSEY-BASED QUESTION.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
THAT'S RESONATING WITH THIS CROWD.
>> THE LAUGHTER OF RECOGNITION.
>> Stephen: EXERCISE -- IS IT WORTH IT?
>> PLEASE...
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
OH, FLAT.
WHAT?
FLAT.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT SORT OF UNHOLY -- WHY WOULD
YOU EVER AERATE A BEVERAGE?
WHY WOULD YOU EVER CONDENSE BUBBLES -- OH, THIS IS DELICIOUS
AND VERY REFRESHING!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S JUST, I DON'T KNOW, AERATE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE DO YOU AERATE YOU
CONSUME?
>> MARSHMALLOWS.
YOU'RATE MARSHMALLOWS?
>> Stephen: THEY'RE MOSTLY AIR, IT'S FOAM.
MIRANGUE IS MOSTLY AIR.
HAVE YOU EVER WHIPPED EGG WHITES, MY FRIEND?
>> SORRY, MISS JULIA CHILD, I HAVE NOT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GOING TO BE ON YOUR TEST.
HAVE YOU EVER MADE MIRANGUE?
I BET YOU DIDN'T HAVE TOM HANKS!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NEXT TIME, I WILL
ASK HANKS IF HE EVER MADE MIRANGUE.
>> FLAT WATER IS CORRECT.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
>> FLAT WATER OR -- >> Stephen: OKAY.
WHO'S FOR FLAG?
( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, FLAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SPARKLING
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S NOT THAT IT'S MORE PEOPLE, IT'S ALL THAT EXCESS
AIR.
>> Stephen: COULD BE.
AND THEY INGEST IT AND WHEN THEY YELL AT IT IT COMES OUT.
>> Stephen: ONE QUESTION, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> OH, DEAR GOD, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN -- THAT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE --
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S THE LAB.
I WOULDN'T ASK YOU THIS BUT THEY SAY I HAVE TO.
>> THIS IS A TORTUROUS -- IT'S A QUESTION THAT CAN ONLY BRING
SADNESS.
>> Stephen: I ASKED RINGO AND HE SAID "COME TOGETHER."
>> OH, INTERESTING, ONE OF HIS OWN SONGS.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE SONG I WANT TO LISTEN TO IS THE MIRANGUE SONG, AND I JUST
WROTE IT AND IT GOES LIKE THIS --
♪ WHICH THOSE EGGIES, BABY ♪ ♪ .
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO AT LEAST GIVE ME AN ARTIST.
>> I MEAN, I'D GO SPRINGSTEEN.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SURPRISING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT.
THAT WAS OUT OF LEFT FIELD.
ANY PARTICULAR SPRINGSTEEN SONG?
>> I'M GOING TO GO "LOST IN THE FLOOD," YEAH, "DEEP CUT."
ISLAND OF OPEN DREAMS ," OR" LOST IN THE FLOOD ."
ROSALIETA.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> WHATEVER NUMBER IT IS, THE TIME THAT YOU ALL ARE GOING TO
HAVE TO STAY LATE TO EDIT THIS PIECE OF ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: INFINITY, THEN, IS THE NUMBER YOU'RE THINKING OF.
( LAUGHTER ) DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS.
>> HOPEFULLY QUITE QUITE QUITE LONG.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: JON STEWART, YOU
ARE KNOWN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
JON STEWART, EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
>> Stephen: HEY, GUYS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OCTOBER HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST
POPULAR MONTHS TO GET MARRIED.
THAT'S WHEN EVIE AND I GOT MARRIED.
AND THIS YEAR, IT'S WEDDING SEASON LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT
BEFORE BECAUSE WEDDINGS ARE ROARING BACK AFTER A PANDEMIC
INDUCED SLUMP.
AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS IN QUARANTINE, PEOPLE ARE SAYING I
BETTER SEAL THIS DEAL.
YOU'VE SEEN ME USE MY SWEATPANTS AS OVEN MITTS.
MILLIONS OF WEDDINGS CANCELLED BY COVID ARE NOW HITTING ALL AT
ONCE, LEADING THE ATLANTIC TO DECLARE THAT WEDDING SEASON 2021
IS A PERFECT STORM.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, I DO NOT RECOMMEND AS A WEDDING THEME.
THE NUPTIAL CRUSH IS SO BAD WEDDING VENUES ARE COMPLETELY
BOOKED FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS.
PLANNERS AREN'T TAKING ON ANY NEW COUPLES, AND CATERERS ARE
RUNNING SHORT OF APPETIZERS IN HIGH DEMAND.
SO, IF YOU GET INVITED TO A WEDDING, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF
YOU'RE ASKED TO CHOOSE YOUR ENTREE BETWEEN
PIRATES' BOOTY, SLIM JIMS, OR THE VEGAN OPTION:
FRUIT BY THE FOOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN IF YOU CAN GET A
CATERER, GOOD LUCK WITH FLOWERS BECAUSE SOME FLOWER FARMERS,
HAVE SOLD THEIR FARMS OR CONVERTED TO GROWING MARIJUANA.
SOME FLOWER FARMERS HAVE SOLD THEIR FARMS OR CONVERTED TO
GROWING MARIJUANA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO
UNUSUALLY VIGOROUS FIGHTS FOR THE BOUQUET.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, THINGS ARE SO BAD, THE
NEW YORK TIMES IS WONDERING OMINOUSLY:
WHERE ARE ALL THE WEDDING DJS?
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE DOING COKE IN THEIR
PONTIAC AZTEK WITH THE MAID OF HONOR?
WHERE THE (BLEEP) DO YOU THINK THEY ARE?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL GIAMATTI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, FOLKS!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND GOLDEN
GLOBE WINNER YOU KNOW BEST FROM "JOHNADAMS," "CINDERELLA MAN" AN
"SIDEWAYS."
HE CURRENTLY STARS AS CHUCK RHOADES IN "BILLIONS."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, PAUL GIAMATTI
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> AMAZING!
>> Stephen: HI, PAUL GIAMATTI.
NICE TOO SEE YOU IS THAT NICE TOO SEE YOU AGAIN.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU IN PERSON.
WE TALKED OVER ZOOM IN THE COVID INTERVIEWS WHICH HAD THEIR OWN
CHARM.
>> YES IS THAT CREATIVE MOMENTS UNDER PRESSURE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
QUITE INVIGORATING.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE DONE IT ALL, COMEDY, TRAGEDY, TV, FILM,
STAGE.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: WHEN DID PAUL GIAMATTI SAY I'M GOING TO CHECK
THAT OUT?
>> I REMEMBER DOING SOMETHING IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I KIND OF ACCIDENTALLY ENDED UP IN A PLAY BECAUSE A GUY I KNEW
THOUGHT I WAS A FUNNY GUY, SO HE SAID, WILL YOU BE IN THIS PLAY
WITH ME?
IT WAS A GOOFY PLAY WHERE WE PLAYED 30 DIFFERENT CHARACTERS.
I FELL INTO IT.
IT WAS ACCIDENTAL AND I LOVED IT AND I HAD A GREAT TIME, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO 1995 WAS THE DEBUT OF YOU ON BROADWAY, RIGHT?
>> I THINK SO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE PLAY WAS?
>> "AIR DADEIA," I WAS A TIME STOPPER PLAY.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
BILLY KRUDUP WAS IN IT.
>> Stephen: VICTOR GARBER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ROBERT SEAN LEONARD.
>> AND ME -- AND ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO WAY!
THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PRODUCTIONS OF ALL TIME!
>> THAT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PRODUCTIONS OF ALL TIME AND YOU
HAD NO IDEA I WAS IN IT.
>> Stephen: AND THEN THERE'S A GIRL.
>> OH, SURE, THERE'S THE GIRL, ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.
THERE'S A MILLION PEOPLE IN IT.
SO MANY PEOPLE.
YOU LOSE SIGHT OF ME.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS ONLY EIGHT.
>> YEAH, EIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHO DID YOU PLAY?
I PLAYED THE GUY, THE POET THAT GETS KILLED.
>> Stephen: IN THE -- IN THE DUEL.
NONE OF THIS REGISTERED WITH YOU.
KRUDUP KILLS ME IN A DUEL.
>> Stephen: I LOVED YOUR WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I SWEAR TO GOD.
>> YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Stephen: I'M TRULY A FAN OF YOURS.
I AM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS MISSING -- >> WHEN DID YOU CATCH SIGHT OF
ME?
>> Stephen: SOME TIME AFTER THAT.
YOU SHOWED UP AT AN UNLIKELY PLACE THIS SUMMER AS THE VOICE
IN A BURGER KING COMMERCIAL.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AS THE VOICE OF THE BURGER KING'S REGRET, RIGHT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
BURGER KING'S HAVING A NIGHTMARE.
>> Stephen: THEY SAID, WE WERE LOOKING FOR THE VOICE OF THE
BURGER KING'S REGRET AND PAUL WAS JUST PERFECT.
>> I AM DEFINITELY THE INTERNATIONAL VOICE OF REGRET.
I FIT IN ANYWHERE THERE'S REGRET.
>> Stephen: I'VE DIPPED MY LADLE IN THAT RIVER OF CASH OF
NATIONAL COMMERCIALS.
>> I'M THRILLED TO BE DOING BURGER KING.
>> Stephen: AND I PUSHED IN PISTACHIOS VERY HARD.
PROBABLY COULD HAVE ALL I WANT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
IS THERE A BIG PERK FOR BEING THE BURGER DING GUY?
>> THAT'S INTERESTING, AFTER I DID IT AND I WAS VERY PLEASED TO
DO IT, I CALLED UP MY AGENT AND AS A JOKE, I SAID, DO I GET FREE
BURGER KING FOR LIFE?
SHE SAID, I'LL ASK.
I WAS LIKE, OKAY, I WAS KIDDING BUT OKAY.
NEXT THING I KNOW, A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER, I GET A FED EX
PACKAGE.
OH, YOUR, AND I RIP THAT BABY OPEN, LOOK INSIDE, CAN'T SEE,
AND I REACHED DOWN THERE AND ALL THAT'S IN THERE, NO MESSAGES,
NOTHING, IS THIS LITTLE TITANIUM, BEAUTIFULLY FINISHED
BLACK CREDIT CARD, SMOOTH, AND IT'S GOT THIS EMBOSSED BLACK
CROWN ON IT AND IT SAYS NOTHING ON IT.
AND I WAS, LIKE, HOLY ( BLEEP I HAVE A BURGER KING FOR LIFE
CARD.
I WAS LIKE, HOLY ( BLEEP )!
I WAS LIKE ( BLEEP )!
>> Stephen: CAN'T BE A LOT OF THOSE IN CIRCULATION.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
SO MY GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE, HOLY (BLEEP), YOU GOT A BURGER KING
FOR LIFE CARD.
SO WE LOOKED IT UP AND IN FACT THE THING EXISTS.
ONLY 12 PEOPLE HAVE IT.
GEORGE LUCAS, YOU KNOW, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., JENNIFER HUDSON,
HUGH LAURIE, THEY HAVE IT.
I'M SITTING HERE THINKING I'M GOING TO CALL A MEETING OF ALL
THE TIME, I HAVE THE RIGHT NOW TO GATHER US ALL AND WIPE BURGER
KING OUT.
WE COULD GO OUT AND JUST SOLVE WORLD HUNGER.
I'M GOING TO BUY EVERYBODY BURGER KING SANDWICHES.
I'M CALLING EVERYBODY.
I'M TELLING MY SON, I HAVE A BURGER KING FOR LIFE CARD, BOY!
I'M BRINGING THE BURGERS HOME, SON!
I WAS SO ( BLEEP ) EXCITED.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT.
THE NEXT THING I WOKE UP AND ALL I COULD DO IS STARE AT IT, FEEL
THE HEFT OF IT AND THE FINISH.
>> Stephen: AND THE RESPONSIBILITY.
>> THE HEAVY RESPONSIBLE.
THEN I LOOK AND THERE'S TINY WRITING ON THE BACK.
AND I'M, LIKE, OH, THIS MUST BE THE END.
THIS IS THE THING.
SO I GO TO THE WEB SITE, ENTER THE SALARY NUMBER, AND IT TURNS
OUT IT'S A ( BLEEP ) $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE.
( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE NEVER FALLEN SO FAR AND
HARD AND FAST.
I HAD TO CALL MY SON AND BE, LIKE, IT'S NOT A BURGER KING FOR
LIFE.
I SAID, I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: DEPENDING ON HOW QUICKLY YOU ORDER IT, IT COULD
BE FOR LIFE.
MY PLAN IS TO GO EVERY NOW AND THEN FOR HOWEVER LONG I HAVE
LEFT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH AND GET MYSELF A WHOPPER AND I'M
GOING TO STRETCH THAT THING OUT AND IT'S LIKE I HAVE A BURGER
KING FOR LIFE CARD.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE PAUL GIAMATTI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "BILLIONS" ON SHOWTIME, MR. PAUL
GIAMATTI.
FIFTH SEASON OF "BILLIONS."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS WERE HALFWAY THROUGH A SEASON IN
2020.
>> WE GOT TO THE EIGHTH EPISODE.
>> Stephen: EIGHT OF -- TWELVE.
>> Stephen: AND, SO, HOW LONG WAS IT THAT YOU JUST SHUT DOWN
AND LEFT WITHOUT -- >> SURE, EVERYBODY SHUT DOWN AND
LEFT.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG -- IT WAS A YEAR BEFORE WE CAME
BACK.
WE SHUT DOWN MARCH NINTH AND RETURNED MARCH 1.
SO ALMOST EXACTLY A YEAR.
AND WE CAME BACK TO THE MIDDLE OF THE EIGHTH EPISODE THAT WE'D
BEEN SHOOTING, ALREADY.
>> Stephen: LITERALLY PICKED IT UP.
DID ANYBODY CHANGE HAIRCUTS OR ANYTHING?
>> YEAH, I CHANGED MY BEARD, DID ALL KINDS OF THINGS.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN - IT'S FUNNY, IT'S VERY
OFFHANDEDLY ACKNOWLEDGED -- >> Stephen: YOU SHAVED.
YEAH, NICE NEW LOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOT THAT, FINISHED SHOOTING
THAT SEASON, AND THAT'S ON NOW, AND THEN WE WENT RIGHT INTO
DOING THE SIXTH SEASON.
SO WE'RE DOING THE SIXTH SEASON NOW AND THAT'S GOING TO END IN
DECEMBER OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE YOU WERE DOING A LOT OF
DRAWING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND I ASKED YOU -- THIS BEAUTIFUL SORT OF
CARICATURE, VERY DETAILED CARICATURE WORK, THAT'S WHAT I
WOULD CALL IT.
IS THAT AN INSULT TO YOU?
>> NO, THAT'S NOT AN INSULT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, I WOULD CALL IT EXTREME DOODLING.
>> Stephen: AND I ASKED IF YOU WOULD DO ME ONE AND YOU DID IT.
I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
ANYTHING I NEED TO KNOW.
>> NO, IF YOU TELL ME TO DRAW A HORSE, I CAN'T DO IT.
I DRAW A NOSE AND BUILD AROUND IT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
GOING TO END UP DRAWING.
SO I DREW YOU A VERY RANDOM THING.
>> Stephen: OH...
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S A WEREWOLF
BUSINESSMAN.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
IT'S LIKE BILLIONAIRE WOLF MAN.
>> Stephen: OR, LIKE, ALMOST EBENEZER SCROOGE PLAYED BY
LON CHENEY.
>> HE LOOKED A LITTLE LIKE WAW QUEEN PHOENIX WHEN I FINISHED
IT.
>> Stephen: ON A ROUGH DAY.
A ROUGH DAY.
>> Stephen: PAUL GIAMATTI, WHAT A LOVELY THING TO HAVE YOU
HERE.
>> OH, IT'S A HUGE PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: I'VE LOVED YOU EVER SINCE --
( LAUGHTER ) I SAW YOU ON --
>> THE BURGER KING COMMERCIAL!
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU, PAUL.
THANK YOU.
>> LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> STEPHEN: THE SEASON FINALE OF "BILLIONS" AIRS THIS SUNDAY ON
SHOWTIME.
PAUL GIAMATTI, EVERYBODY!
GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE DREW CAREY AND PHOEBE
ROBINSON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪