1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,170 >> THIS MORNING, A CHEAP OPTION FOR TOURISTS VISITING THE CITY 2 00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:05,305 HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN. 3 00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:08,708 >> YES, THE NEW YORK CITY SHERIFF SAYS SEVERAL VANS WERE 4 00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:11,745 BEING RENTED OUT ON AIRBNB IN VIOLATION OF THE LAWS. 5 00:00:11,811 --> 00:00:15,882 THE NEW YORK CITY SHERIFF WORKED WITH THE NYPD'S DOCUMENT FRAUD 6 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,751 UNIT AND DISCOVERED AN "OPERATION OF ALLEGED FRAUDULENT 7 00:00:17,817 --> 00:00:20,820 AND ILLEGALLY REGISTERED VEHICLES BEING USED AS AIRBNB 8 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:24,824 RENTALS." 9 00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:28,828 >> NEW YORK CITY, ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT TOURIST 10 00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:32,832 DESTINATIONS, AND HOTELS CAN BE EXPENSIVE, BUT NOT ANYMORE. 11 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:40,673 INTRODUCING THE NEW LUXURY HOTEL ALTERNATIVE. 12 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,711 CARGOVAN, A WINDOWLESS VAN, OFFERING ALL THE AMENITIES OF A 13 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,747 WINDOWLESS VAN -- CUP HOLDERS, CONTINENTAL 14 00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:52,619 BREAKFAST, AND AN ON-SUITE BATHROOM. 15 00:00:52,685 --> 00:00:56,589 YOU WILL EVEN GET A COMPLEMENTARY WAKEUP CALL. 16 00:00:56,656 --> 00:00:57,757 SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 17 00:00:57,824 --> 00:01:00,827 REMEMBER OUR MOTTO -- IF THIS VAN'S A-ROCKIN', THE POLICE 18 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,296 FOUND OUT -- RUN! 19 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:11,738 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 20 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,339 TONIGHT, AS IS. 21 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:24,818 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES PAUL GIAMATTI, AND JOHN STEWART TAKES 22 00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:28,822 THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY 23 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,023 HUMAN." 24 00:01:30,089 --> 00:01:34,994 AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 25 00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:40,667 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 26 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:44,437 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY! 27 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:52,846 THAT'S A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES! 28 00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:56,816 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M REFRESHED! 29 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,651 I'M REFRESHED! 30 00:01:58,718 --> 00:01:59,752 I'M ENGAGED! 31 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,421 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOT THE JUMPER CABLES HOOKED 32 00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:03,122 UP! 33 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,090 WELCOME! 34 00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,926 ( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 35 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:07,594 PLEASE! 36 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,329 PLEASE REST YOUR WEARY BONES! 37 00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:12,232 WWELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LAT SHOW." 38 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,068 I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT. 39 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:20,139 HEY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 40 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,942 LITTLE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE. 41 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:26,012 REMEMBER THE WEIRD ELECTION AUDIT THAT THE 42 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,247 REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED SENATE OF ARIZONA HIRED SOME WEIRD STOP 43 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:30,550 THE STEAL FOLKS TO DO IN MARICOPA COUNTY? 44 00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:33,253 WELL, WE FINALLY HAVE THE RESULTS AND THE REPUBLICAN-LED 45 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:38,925 ARIZONA AUDIT REAFFIRMED JOE BIDEN'S WIN. 46 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:45,832 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I AGREE. 47 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:46,866 WELL DONE. 48 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:54,407 WHICH BRINGS US TO A BREAKING NEWS ALERT: 49 00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:55,642 >> LATE SHOW BREAKING NEWS >> STEPHEN: THE LATE SHOW IS 50 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,844 READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON ARIZONA. 51 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:01,614 AND THEREFORE, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN IS STILL PRESIDENT OF THE 52 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:05,051 UNITED STATES. 53 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:09,022 WE NOW GO LIVE TO ELECTION HEADQUARTERS TO OUR NUMBER 54 00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:12,292 CRUNCHER, STEVE KORNACKI, STILL STANDING BY SINCE LAST NOVEMBER. 55 00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:17,030 STEVE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US? 56 00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:21,167 ( LAUGHTER ) DASMEN IT! 57 00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,836 I TOLD YOU! 58 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,739 I FORGET TO FEED HIM! 59 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:29,042 ( LAUGHTER ) SHOULD HAVE GOT HIM ONE OF THOSE 60 00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:33,079 CAT FOUNTAINS. 61 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,949 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS AUDIT IS A CRUSHING 62 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:38,718 HUMILIATION FOR THE GOP, BECAUSE NOT ONLY WAS BIDEN FOUND TO BE 63 00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:41,421 THE WINNER AGAIN, BUT THE SEARCH FOR FRAUDULENT BALLOTS ACTUALLY 64 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:45,124 YIELDED 99 ADDITIONAL VOTES FOR BIDEN AND 261 FEWER VOTES FOR 65 00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:47,961 THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 66 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:53,032 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW! 67 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:53,766 WOW! 68 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:58,004 HE LEAL DID GET TIRED OF WINNING. 69 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:01,040 ( LAUGHTER ) THE AUDIT WAS CONDUCTED BY A 70 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:05,044 FIRM CALLED CYBER NINJAS, WHO HAD NO HISTORY OR EXPERTISE IN 71 00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:07,146 THE AREA AND WHOSE C.E.O., ENDORSED WILD CONSPIRACY 72 00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:09,015 THEORIES THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS RIGGED AND STOLEN FROM 73 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,951 FORMER PRESIDENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 74 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:16,723 SO THEY HIRED MAGA FANS AND EVEN THEY COULDN'T SAY 45 WON. 75 00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:21,027 THAT'S LIKE HIRING YOUR MOM TO JUDGE THE HANDSOMEST BOY CONTEST 76 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:26,599 AND STILL LOSING TO A 78 YEAR OLD GUY FROM DELAWARE. 77 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,167 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 78 00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:29,969 GOOD LOOKING MAN, THOUGH. 79 00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:33,039 FINE LOOKING. 80 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,975 >> Jon: MM-HMM, ROBINETTE. 81 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:40,446 >> Stephen: THE CYBERNINJAS ALSO MESSED 82 00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:41,881 WITH THE VOTING MACHINES, SO NOW MARICOPA COUNTY WILL HAVE TO 83 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,584 SPEND $3 MILLION TO REPLACE THEM. 84 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:47,987 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BUT SINCE THEY'RE NINJAS... 85 00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:53,026 MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE. 86 00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:59,932 ( NINJA MUSIC ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 87 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:00,833 THEY HAVEN'T. 88 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,670 ( LAUGHTER ) SO BIDEN HAS WON ARIZONA, AND 89 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:05,038 REPUBLICANS KNOW IT. 90 00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:08,374 THEY CALLED FOR THE AUDIT, THEY PAID FOR THE AUDIT, THEY 91 00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:12,945 CONDUCTED THE AUDIT, WHICH CONFIRMED THE FORMER PRESIDENT 92 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:17,050 LOST ON THE FORENSIC AUDIT, OR AS HE PUT IT: 93 00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:21,020 >> WE WON ON THE ARIZONA FORENSIC AUDIT YESTERDAY AT A 94 00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:21,854 LEVEL THAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. 95 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:26,459 >> STEPHEN: YES, WE WOULD NOT BELIEVE. 96 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:27,860 ( LAUGHTER ) NOTHING'S GOING TO SHUT THIS GUY 97 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,062 UP. 98 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:30,797 NO MATTER WHAT THE RESULTS ARE, HE'S JUST GONNA SAY HE WON. 99 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,132 HE'S NOT PLAYING THREE DIMENSIONAL CHESS. 100 00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:37,036 HE'S NOT EVEN PLAYING REGULAR CHESS. 101 00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:44,110 HE'S JUST SHOVING THE BISHOP UP HIS BUTT AND YELLING, "YAHTZEE 102 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,946 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 103 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,982 >> Jon: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PLAY. 104 00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:52,151 >> Stephen: PAINT THE PICTURE. 105 00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:53,252 BY THE WAY, THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL ENDING TO THE QUEEN'S 106 00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:57,023 GAMBIT. 107 00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:01,027 ( LAUGHTER ) CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY. 108 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,229 THE FORMER PRESIDENT USED HIS RALLY TO ROLL OUT ALL THE HITS. 109 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,965 LIKE THIS CLASSIC: >> AND YOU KNOW, THEY ARE 110 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:14,373 STARTING TO SAY VERY STRONGLY MERRY CHRISTMAS. 111 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,508 >> STEPHEN: REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL: 112 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:16,509 (SINGS) HAVE YOURSELF A VERY STRONGLY 113 00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:17,043 CHRISTMAS. 114 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:20,947 THAT'S A THING WE SAY. 115 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,381 ( LAUGHTER ) THE BIG CHRISTMAS BOY THEN 116 00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:23,983 TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO WYOMING REPRESENTATIVE AND REAL 117 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,954 ESTATE AGENT WHO DOESN'T TELL YOU SOMEONE DIED IN THIS HOUSE 118 00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:32,225 BECAUSE SHE'S THE KILLER LIZ CHENEY. 119 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,427 ( LAUGHTER ) CHENEY HAS BEEN A VOCAL OPPONENT 120 00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:35,962 OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 121 00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:38,264 SHE SUPPORTED HIS SECOND IMPEACHMENT AND REFUSED TO 122 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,033 PARTICIPATE IN THE BIG LIE THAT HE WON THE ELECTION. 123 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:45,037 WHICH MIGHT BE WHY, ON THE BIG SCREENS AT THE RALLY, THE FORMER 124 00:06:45,104 --> 00:06:52,678 PRESIDENT SHOWED THIS MEME OF LIZ CHENEY WITH GEORGE 125 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:53,679 W. BUSH'S FACE. 126 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:56,783 THAT IS PATHETIC. 127 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:58,351 THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KICKED OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA SO 128 00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,819 HE'S BEEN REDUCED TO AN OLD MAN, TRAVELING FROM TOWN TO TOWN, 129 00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:00,653 EXPLAINING MEMES IN PERSON. 130 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,990 (AS OLD MAN) YOU SEE, THE YOUNG MAN IS 131 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,992 WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. 132 00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:09,128 THE MAN REPRESENTS YOU, AND THE GIRLFRIEND REPRESENTS GETTING 8 133 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:11,197 HOURS OF SLEEP. 134 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,032 BUT THE MAN IS LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN WALKING THE OTHER 135 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:17,036 WAY, WHO REPRESENTS READING THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR THE MARY KATE 136 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:24,010 AND ASHLEY MOVIE "BILLBOARD DAD" AT 3:00 AM. 137 00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:25,211 IT'S AN ALLEGORY ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION IN THE INFORMATION 138 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,380 AGE. 139 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:31,284 ANYWAY, I'LL BE IN PEORIA ON THURSDAY TO TALK ABOUT A LADY 140 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,084 WHO JUST TRIED KOMBUCHA. 141 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:35,988 WHAT HER FACE DOES WILL SURPRISE YOU. 142 00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:41,928 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY KNOW THE KOMBUCHA ONE. 143 00:07:41,994 --> 00:07:45,898 THEY KNOW THE LONG WALK, BUT THERE WAS WATER IN THE WELL. 144 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,000 ( LAUGHTER ) CHENEY, WHO IS ALLOWED ON 145 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:53,039 TWITTER, CLAPPED BACK, TWEETING: I LIKE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS WHO 146 00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:54,941 WIN REELECTION. 147 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:55,708 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 148 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,678 >> Jon: WHOA! 149 00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:01,614 >> Stephen: SICK BURN, LIZ, YOU GOT HIM. 150 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:05,051 OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY... 151 00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:08,955 MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! 152 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,256 ( CHEERING ) ONE MISSION THAT IS NOT 153 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,991 ACCOMPLISHED IS GETTING THE NATION VAXXED. 154 00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:15,595 BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HIS PART TODAY, GETTING HIS BOOSTER SHOT 155 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:16,729 ON LIVE TELEVISION. 156 00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:17,363 THAT'S THE FIRST PRICK I'VE SEEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE SINCE 157 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:24,003 JANUARY. 158 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:31,477 ( APPLAUSE ) I UNDERSTAND HE WAS DOING THIS 159 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:35,081 ON CAMERA, TO ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY TO GET THE SHOT, AND 160 00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:38,484 THAT'S GOOD, BUT ALL I COULD SEE WAS WHAT LOOKED LIKE INCREDIBLY 161 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:41,020 FAKE WINDOWS BEHIND THE PRESIDENT. 162 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:45,024 IT'S A FAKE ROOM IT'S LIKE WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA FELL UNCONSCIOUS 163 00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:49,028 IN THE 1940S THEN WOKE UP NOW, EXCEPT JOE BIDEN WASN'T 164 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:53,032 PRESERVED IN ICE IN BETWEEN. 165 00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:57,036 OUR HEAD OF RESEARCH, BRANDON MARIANACCI, ACTUALLY CALLED THE 166 00:08:57,103 --> 00:09:03,376 WHITE HOUSE TO ASK IF THOSE ARE REAL WINDOWS, AND THE WHITE 167 00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:11,017 HOUSE SAID, AND THIS IS TRUE, WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU. 168 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,019 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU WILL GET BACK TO US? 169 00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:14,754 YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DOUBLE-CHECK IF A WINDOW IS REAL 170 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,022 IT'S LIKE A DOCTOR SAYING LET'S RUN SOME TESTS AND ONCE WE GET 171 00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:17,223 YOUR BLOOD-WORK BACK, I'LL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU IF I WENT TO 172 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,027 MED SCHOOL. 173 00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:24,030 OKAY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT BRANDON HAS HEARD BACK FROM THE 174 00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:26,899 WHITE HOUSE. 175 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,734 LET'S GET THE EXCLUSIVE SCOOP. 176 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:33,039 BRANDON, YOU ACTUALLY SPOKE TO OFFICIALS IN THE BIDEN 177 00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:36,008 ADMINISTRATION, DID THEY CONFIRM THAT THOSE WERE, IN FACT, FAKE 178 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:41,047 WINDOWS? 179 00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:44,817 >> YES >> STEPHEN: I KNEW IT! 180 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:47,687 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I KNEW IT! 181 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:48,554 HOLD ON! 182 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,022 WHAT IF FAKE WINDOWS ARE JUST THE START? 183 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:50,656 WAS THE BOOSTER REAL? 184 00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:51,390 WAS THAT HIS REAL ARM? 185 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:52,158 WHAT IF IT WAS A CAKE? 186 00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:54,493 REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING WAS CAKE? 187 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,328 IS IT LAUREL OR IS IT YANNY? 188 00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:59,298 BRANDON, AM I SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL? 189 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,533 >> YES. 190 00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:04,337 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT, WAS THAT JUST 191 00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:05,304 THE SAME YES WE USED EARLIER? 192 00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:06,005 >> YES. 193 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:07,206 >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, BRANDON. 194 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,576 WE'LL HAVE MORE ON WINDOWGATE AS IT CONTINUES TO NOT MATTER. 195 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:11,677 AT ALL. 196 00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:14,847 SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT ONLY REFUSING THE FREE, LIFE-SAVING 197 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,283 MEDICINE, THEY'RE ANGRY ABOUT IT. 198 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,419 THIS WEEKEND, SOME NEW YORKERS DEFIED LOCAL MANDATES AND 199 00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:23,289 STORMED A STATEN ISLAND FOOD COURT, REFUSING TO SHOW 200 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:26,258 PROOF-OF-INOCULATION. 201 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:30,262 THEY JUST COULDN'T RESIST ALL THE OPTIONS YOU GET AT A STATEN 202 00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,430 ISLAND FOOD COURT. 203 00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:37,236 THERE'S PAULIE'S MEATBALLS SAL AND SONS HOUSE OF MEATBALLS, 204 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:42,274 CINNA-MEATBALL AND AUNTIE ANN'S MEATZELS. 205 00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:44,810 ( LAUGHTER ) THE CROWD OF AROUND TWENTY 206 00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:46,278 INCLUDED ALL THE USUAL COVID EXPERTS, LIKE 207 00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,615 TONY SOPRANO WHO SKIPPED THERAPY, AND GUY WEARING A Q 208 00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:52,551 SENT ME T-SHIRT. 209 00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:56,889 IN THIS CASE, THE Q STANDS FOR QUIZNOS. 210 00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,257 ( LAUGHTER ) SO, WHAT WERE THE ANTI-VAXIVISTS 211 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,960 THERE TO DO? 212 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:01,627 >> EAT. 213 00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:06,832 THAT IS WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO. 214 00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:11,904 >> EVERYBODY, GO GET FOOD AND EAT. 215 00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:13,172 THAT IS WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO. 216 00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:14,273 THEN WE'RE GONNA MEET BACK OVER THERE AND GO INTO THE FOOD COURT 217 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,976 AREA AND SIT OUR BUTTS DOWN. 218 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,277 AND STAY AS LONG AS WE LIKE. 219 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,945 >> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY THAT'S NOT A PROTEST, THAT'S A FIELD TRIP 220 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,213 TO THE MALL FOR 5TH GRADERS. 221 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,750 (AS TEACHER) ALL RIGHT, KIDS! 222 00:11:24,817 --> 00:11:26,685 ALL RIGHT, KIDS! 223 00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:33,225 WE'RE GONNA GO GET OUR FOOD AND THEN WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SIT DOWN 224 00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:34,727 AND EAT! 225 00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:36,162 WHERE'S CARSON? 226 00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,564 CARSON? 227 00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:39,632 MIKALAH, WHERE'S CARSON? 228 00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:42,902 HE WAS YOUR BUDDY! 229 00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,504 SHHH-- EVERYBODY QUIET, HE'S GOT ASTHMA, LISTEN FOR THE WHEEZING. 230 00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:49,942 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH -- OH -- 231 00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:51,544 >> Stephen: THEY FIND HIM. 232 00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:54,180 IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING. 233 00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:57,216 THANKS TO VACCINE HESITANCY, RED STATES ARE HAVING FAR WORSE 234 00:11:57,283 --> 00:12:03,255 CONSEQUENCES FROM DELTA THAN BLUE STATES, OR AS THEY CALL IT, 235 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,156 BEING GREAT AGAIN. 236 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,191 BUT ONE CONSERVATIVE KNOWS WHO'S TO BLAME: 237 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:06,358 LIBERALS. 238 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:06,859 I'M TALKING ABOUT BREITBART WRITER AND NEW, MOST TROUBLED 239 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,727 NOLTE, JOHN NOLTE. 240 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:09,995 ( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, NOLTE PINCHED OUT A 241 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:14,900 COLUMN THAT CLAIMED, "THE ORGANIZED LEFT IS DELIBERATELY 242 00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:17,236 PUTTING UNVACCINATED MAGA SUPPORTERS IN AN IMPOSSIBLE 243 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:23,776 POSITION WHERE THEY CAN EITHER NOT GET A LIFE-SAVING VACCINE OR 244 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,144 CAN FEEL LIKE CUCKS CAVING TO THE UGLIEST, SMUGGEST BULLIES IN 245 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:27,346 THE WORLD." 246 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:27,880 TYPICAL BULLY BEHAVIOR. 247 00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:29,748 (AS BULLY) HEY DWEEB! 248 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:33,519 GIMME YOUR LUNCH MONEY, SO I CAN HELP YOU MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES IN 249 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,455 THE CAFETERIA. 250 00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:45,331 TWO COVID SHOTS FOR FLINCHING -- OH, YOU ARE LIVE MEAT, BUDDY. 251 00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:46,732 ( LAUGHTER ) NOLTE GOES ON TO SAY THAT HE 252 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,334 SINCERELY BELIEVES LIBERALS ARE TRYING TO TRICK CONSERVATIVES 253 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:53,472 INTO NOT GETTING VAXXED USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. 254 00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:54,473 ( LAUGHTER ) HE GOT ME. 255 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,709 AS THE SON OF AN N.I.H. 256 00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:59,411 IMMUNOLOGIST, I HAVE MADE IT MY LIFE'S MISSION TO KEEP PEOPLE 257 00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:00,713 FROM GETTING VACCINATED, USING THE PROVEN SCIENCE OF REVERSE 258 00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:02,114 PSYCHOLOGY. 259 00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:05,484 BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I HAD THIS MUCH POWER. 260 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:11,023 SO, TO ALL MY MAGA-VIEWERS WATCHING THE NEXT DAY ON THE 261 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,458 INTERNET LOOKING FOR CODEDS, I JUST WANT TO SAY, DON'T GET THE 262 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:17,496 VACCINE. 263 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:18,898 BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE YOUR BALLS SWELL TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE, EVEN 264 00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:21,500 IF YOU DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE BALLS. 265 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:28,107 THEY WILL BECOME GIANT, MAGNETIC ORBS, WHICH WILL EMIT A 5G 266 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:35,548 SIGNAL SO STRONG THAT BILL GATES WILL USE IT TO WATCH NETFLIX. 267 00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:36,549 ( APPLAUSE ) AND I KNOW YOU'LL ALL BELIEVE 268 00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,418 ME, BECAUSE YOU'RE SMART AS A BAG OF DOOR KNOBS. 269 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:40,553 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 270 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:45,357 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS BILLIONS STAR PAUL GIAMATTI. 271 00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:47,626 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO 272 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,662 MR JON STEWART. 273 00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:18,257 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 274 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,692 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 275 00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:20,793 WELCOME BACK! 276 00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:24,663 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 277 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:29,802 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE LEGEND -- 278 00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:32,071 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, I'M HEARING VERY GOOD 279 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,574 THINGS ABOUT Y'ALL'S PERFORMANCE THIS WEEKEND ADD GLOBAL 280 00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:36,075 CITIZENS. 281 00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:36,442 YOU GUYS CRUSHED IT. 282 00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,043 >> Jon: YES. 283 00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:40,446 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THE 284 00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:41,080 WHOLE EXPERIENCE. 285 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:44,116 WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR Y'ALL? 286 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,518 >> Jon: AMAZING. 287 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:47,486 ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE. 288 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,055 >> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE GREAT LAWN? 289 00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:50,823 >> 60,000 OR SO. 290 00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:51,624 JUST CASUAL. 291 00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:55,027 >> Stephen: JUST FRIENDS AND FAMILY. 292 00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:55,961 >> MM-HMM. 293 00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:57,796 >> Stephen: HOW LONG OF A SET DID Y'ALL DO? 294 00:14:57,863 --> 00:15:02,835 >> Jon: OH, WE PLAYED FOR CINDY LAUPER, LISSY KAREN AND 295 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:09,074 DID A 20-MEANT SET FROM THE "WE ARE" ALBUM, AND WE ROCKED THAT 296 00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:11,110 SUCKER, MAN. 297 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:16,148 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, WHERE CAN I 298 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:17,082 SEE IT? 299 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:18,917 >> IT'S ONLINE. 300 00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:21,320 I THINK IT'S GLOBAL CITIZEN. 301 00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:24,523 AND ALSO YOU CAN CHECK OUT WAYS YOU CAN ACTUALLY GIVE BACK 302 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,358 BECAUSE THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. 303 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,328 WE'RE TRYING TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE AND CHANGE THIS WORLD FOR 304 00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:30,029 THE BETTER. 305 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:33,265 >> Stephen: GLOBAL CITIZEN.org. 306 00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:38,570 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, JON. 307 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:41,540 I'M VERY EXCITED BECAUSE MY GOOD FRIEND JON STEWART'S NEW SHOW IS 308 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:42,941 PREMIERING THIS THURSDAY ON APPLE TV+. 309 00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,978 IT'S CALLED "THE PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART" AND IT'LL BE AIRING 310 00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,413 EVERY OTHER WEEK. 311 00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:53,152 IT'S PERFECT IF YOU LOVED HIM ON THE DAILY SHOW, BUT WISHED IT 312 00:15:53,218 --> 00:15:58,190 WAS LESS OFTEN. 313 00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:01,994 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IN EACH EPISODE JON IS GOING 314 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:03,195 TO DO A DEEP DIVE ON ONE TOPIC. 315 00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:06,198 SO I FIGURE WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE HIS NEW SHOW THAN BY 316 00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:12,671 DOING A DEEP DIVE ON JON STEWART HIMSELF? 317 00:16:12,738 --> 00:16:13,939 AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT RECENTLY JON STEWART STOPPED BY 318 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:17,142 AND TOOK THE VERY REVEALING, PATENT-PENDING, COLBERT 319 00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:22,181 QUESTIONERT. 320 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:35,160 ♪♪ JOHN STEWART'S HERE EVERYBODY. 321 00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,863 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE SEEN EACH 322 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,832 OTHER FOR MANY YEARS. 323 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:44,236 TO TRULY KNOW SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO INTERVIEW THEM ON A TALK 324 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,170 SHOW. 325 00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:52,644 THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE MOST REVEL R REVEALATORY. 326 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:58,083 >> WE SPENT MANY HOURS TALKING BUT DO WE REALLY KNOW EACH 327 00:16:58,150 --> 00:16:58,484 OHER? 328 00:16:58,550 --> 00:16:59,685 I DON'T KNOW. 329 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:03,689 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!. 330 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:04,823 >> OPEN BOOK! 331 00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:09,128 >> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION ON THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!. 332 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,195 >> ALL RIGHT. 333 00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:16,368 >> Stephen: JON STEWART, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 334 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,138 >> OH, JEEZ -- >> Stephen: WE'RE NOT PLAYING 335 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,305 HERE. 336 00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:21,840 >> YOU CAN'T ANSWER IT IN TERMS OF A PARTICULAR SANDWICH. 337 00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:27,112 THE BEST SANDWICH IS ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS THE 338 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:30,482 BREAD-TO-INGREDIENT RATIO AND DOES NOT -- SO I CAN'T SAY TO 339 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,918 YOU -- >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T DO A 340 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:33,452 HOAGIE? 341 00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:34,520 >> CAN'T DO A HOAGIE? 342 00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:35,788 ARE YOU AN AMERICAN? 343 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,689 OF COURSE YOU CAN DO A HOAGIE. 344 00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,291 >> Stephen: THAT'S A BIG BUN, MAN. 345 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:43,529 >> IT'S NOT A BIG -- STEPHEN, HAVE YOU HAD A SANDWICH? 346 00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:49,101 WHAT KIND OF -- >> Stephen: I'VE HAD A FEW. 347 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,235 OKAY. 348 00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:56,041 WHETHER IT BE A PO BOY, A HOAGIE, KAISER, MUFFULETTA, IT 349 00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:57,209 DOESN'T MATTER. 350 00:17:57,276 --> 00:18:01,280 WHAT MATTERS IS THE RATIO OF INGREDIENT TO BREAD AND THE 351 00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:04,983 ADDITION OF YOUR LIQUIDITY, WHETHER IT BE A CONDIMENT OR -- 352 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,885 >> Stephen: A PICKLE, I'D SAY. 353 00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:10,489 A PICKLE IS -- I MEAN, THAT'S A BOLD ADDITION. 354 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:14,026 WHAT'S NICE ABOUT THE PICKLE IS YOU'RE GETTING A FLAVOR 355 00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:17,796 ADDITION, BUT ALSO A TEXTURAL JOLT, IF YOU WILL. 356 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,598 >> Stephen: SURE. 357 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:20,699 THAT BREAKS IN. 358 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:24,336 SO WHAT HAPPENS IS YOUR MOUTH COMES THROUGH THE BREAD 359 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,405 GENERALLY FRESH, SOMEWHAT SOFT. 360 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:29,475 SO IN YOUR MIND YOU'RE, LIKE, OH, I'VE GOT THIS. 361 00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:30,476 >> Stephen: SURE. 362 00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:35,113 BUT THEN YOU HIT THAT MOTHER ( BLEEP ) PICKLE. 363 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:35,581 AAAHHH! 364 00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:37,583 AND IT'S -- HELLO! 365 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:38,984 I WANT IN! 366 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:43,188 AND YOU'VE GOT TO REALLY WORK, AND WHEN YOU GET THROUGH, IT 367 00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:48,393 BURSTS AND YOU JUST -- SO WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? 368 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,195 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: QUESTION TWO. 369 00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:51,997 ALL RIGHT. 370 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:55,501 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE PERCENTAGE -- PERCENTAGE OF 371 00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,636 BREAD TO INGREDIENT? 372 00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:58,704 >> YES. 373 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:05,110 SO IT'S GOT TO BE -- I THINK YOUR RANGE IS 65 TO 75% 374 00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:05,744 INGREDIENT. 375 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,211 >> Stephen: THIS IS CORRECT. 376 00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:07,746 THIS IS CORRECT. 377 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,917 WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW 378 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,951 OUT? 379 00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:15,888 >> EVERYTHING I WEAR. 380 00:19:15,954 --> 00:19:18,190 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE 381 00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:20,526 SCARIEST ANIMAL? 382 00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:23,362 >> OH, OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING. 383 00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,062 SCARIEST ANIMAL. 384 00:19:24,129 --> 00:19:25,130 >> Stephen: YEAH. 385 00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,398 O IT'S GOT TO BE AN ANIMAL, A LAND ANIMAL, CAN'T BE 386 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,499 SOMETHING FROM THE SEA. 387 00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:30,969 >> Stephen: ANIMALS IN THE SEA ARE STILL ANIMALS, JON. 388 00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:31,703 >> NO, THEY'RE NOT. 389 00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:33,105 >> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT ROBOTS. 390 00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:33,772 >> THEY'RE FISH. 391 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,807 >> Stephen: FISH ARE ANIMALS. 392 00:19:35,874 --> 00:19:36,542 NO, I DON'T THINK SO. 393 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:40,312 >> Stephen: AREN'T FISH ANIMALS? 394 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:41,113 >> YEAH! 395 00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:43,181 >> Stephen: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. 396 00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:43,982 >> I DISAGREE. 397 00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:46,418 >> Stephen: SO A SHARK IS NOT SCARY? 398 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:49,555 >> NO, IT IS, BECAUSE -- SO HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH A SHARK 399 00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:52,391 AND THE PROBLEM WITH FISH IN GENERAL, IT'S THE MEDIUM IN 400 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:56,395 WHICH THEY TRAVEL BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SCARY WHEN YOU 401 00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:58,230 HAVE NO VISIBILITY. 402 00:19:58,297 --> 00:19:59,965 YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED? 403 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:06,271 I'M JUST A CRAZY OLD MAN OFF THE STREET. 404 00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:07,172 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) 405 00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:09,341 >> Stephen: OKAY. 406 00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:13,779 I GOT A GLIMPSE OF ME ON THE CAMERA AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I 407 00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:17,916 WAS, LIKE, DIDN'T I GIVE THAT GUY MONEY THE OTHER DAY RIGHT 408 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,419 OUTSIDE THE WEST THIRD STREET SUBWAY STATION? 409 00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,055 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LAND ANIMAL, 410 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:24,389 WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL. 411 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:29,194 I ASKED YOU, SIR, AT LONG LAST WOULD YOU NOT ANSWER MY 412 00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:30,062 ( BLEEP ) QUESTION? 413 00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:34,700 WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, JON STEWART? 414 00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:35,534 >> GIVE ME TIME? 415 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:38,337 >> Stephen:IVE GIVEN YOU A LOT OF TIME. 416 00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:39,371 >> I'M GOING TO SAY A CAT. 417 00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:42,174 >> Stephen: NOT JUST A CAT, A TIGER, NOT A CAT. 418 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,275 WHY IS IT TERRIFYING? 419 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:45,210 >> BECAUSE THE TIGER IS NOT IN YOUR HOUSE. 420 00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:48,213 THE CAT IS A KILLING MACHINE. 421 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:54,820 >> Stephen: I FORGET THE PREMISE OF THIS QUESTION IS THAT 422 00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:59,992 YOU NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, SO NOTHING CAN BE TERRIFYING TO YOU 423 00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:01,927 UNLESS IT'S ACTUALLY INSIDE. 424 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:02,394 >> THAT'S CORRECT. 425 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:03,595 >> Stephen: OKAY. 426 00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:07,933 AND AND I WOULD NEVER LET A TIGER OR A PANTHER IN THE HOUSE. 427 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,938 IT'S WHAT I SAID TO MY WIFE, MY WIFE, ANIMAL RESCUER, LOVES 428 00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:16,541 ANIMALS BUT I HAVE DRAWN THE LINE AT PREDATORS. 429 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:20,212 WE NEED TO RESCUE A SHEEP, GOAT, PIG. 430 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,380 THAT'S FINE. 431 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:26,985 I'M WAITING TO COME HOME ONE DAY AND THERE'S A PUMA IN THE 432 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:27,686 GARAGE. 433 00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:28,920 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S DISALLOWED. 434 00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:31,923 CAT, KILLING MACHINE, IT WILL MURDER ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD 435 00:21:31,990 --> 00:21:36,461 AND IT WILL BRING IT TO YOU AND PUT IT ON YOUR BED AS IF TO SAY 436 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:41,066 YOU BETTER KEEP (BLEEP) FEEDING ME OR I WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS. 437 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,235 >> Stephen: GOT IT. 438 00:21:43,301 --> 00:21:47,172 CATS -- LET ME SAY THIS -- AND THESE PEOPLE KNOW. 439 00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:49,241 THESE PEOPLE AREN'T FOOLS. 440 00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:52,044 THEY KNOW THE CAT IS THE SCARIEST. 441 00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:55,380 I SAID IT AND IT WAS A LAUGHTER OF RECOGNITION. 442 00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:57,082 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, 443 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,618 JON STEWART TELL US US WHAT SONG HE WOULD LISTEN TO FOR THE REST 444 00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:00,819 OF HIS LIFE. 445 00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:16,902 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 446 00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:17,969 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 447 00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:20,806 >> AND NOW THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF THE COLBERT 448 00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:24,810 QUESTIONERT!, WITH MY FRIEND, MR. JON STEWART. 449 00:22:24,876 --> 00:22:26,712 APPLES OR ORANGES? 450 00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:27,345 >> APPLES. 451 00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:28,180 >> Stephen: CORRECT ANSWER. 452 00:22:28,246 --> 00:22:29,681 CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE. 453 00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:36,421 WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 454 00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:37,823 >> UH, VERY LITTLE. 455 00:22:37,889 --> 00:22:40,826 ( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I MEAN, IF -- HERE'S 456 00:22:40,892 --> 00:22:48,834 WHAT I WOULD SAY, AND I WOULD SAY THIS, ( BLEEP ) IS WHAT'S 457 00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:50,936 HAPPENING WHEN YOU MOVE, BUT YOU DON'T, SO, CLEARLY, THERE'S 458 00:22:51,002 --> 00:22:51,703 NOTHING GOING ON. 459 00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:55,407 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 460 00:22:55,474 --> 00:22:58,376 >> I'M NOT A FAVORITE MOVIE GUY. 461 00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:03,849 >> Stephen: A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY TAKING THE 462 00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:04,649 QUESTIONERT. 463 00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:05,851 >> OH, GOD -- FINDING NEMO? 464 00:23:05,917 --> 00:23:07,719 >> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE. 465 00:23:07,786 --> 00:23:11,323 >> IT IS AN ACTION MOVIE. 466 00:23:11,389 --> 00:23:13,692 I DON'T -- >> Stephen: YOU CAN GO WITH 467 00:23:13,759 --> 00:23:14,926 FINDING NEMO. 468 00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:17,129 >> DEFINE ACTION MOVIE BECAUSE -- 469 00:23:17,195 --> 00:23:19,598 >> Stephen: BY ACTION MOVIE, GENERALLY SPEAKING, SOMETHING 470 00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:24,836 EXPLODES IN AN ACTION MOVIE OR SOMEONE FALLS FROM A GREAT 471 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:28,874 HEIGHT OR -- THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GUN PLAY, COULD BE 472 00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:30,008 SWORDPLAY. 473 00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:32,144 >> THE MOVIE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW SOUNDS VERY GOOD. 474 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:35,847 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL? 475 00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:36,681 >> THE BEACH. 476 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,017 >> Stephen: THE BEACH. 477 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:39,951 LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. 478 00:23:40,018 --> 00:23:43,855 >> SOME OF THE THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH. 479 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,057 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EXERCISE -- 480 00:23:46,124 --> 00:23:49,561 THAT'S, BY THE WAY, NEW JERSEY-BASED QUESTION. 481 00:23:49,628 --> 00:23:53,632 >> Stephen: GOT IT. 482 00:23:53,698 --> 00:23:55,167 THAT'S RESONATING WITH THIS CROWD. 483 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:57,335 >> THE LAUGHTER OF RECOGNITION. 484 00:23:57,402 --> 00:24:01,540 >> Stephen: EXERCISE -- IS IT WORTH IT? 485 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:02,440 >> PLEASE... 486 00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:04,242 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING? 487 00:24:04,309 --> 00:24:07,078 OH, FLAT. 488 00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:07,712 WHAT? 489 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:08,647 FLAT. 490 00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:11,550 ( APPLAUSE ) WHAT SORT OF UNHOLY -- WHY WOULD 491 00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:16,288 YOU EVER AERATE A BEVERAGE? 492 00:24:16,354 --> 00:24:19,658 WHY WOULD YOU EVER CONDENSE BUBBLES -- OH, THIS IS DELICIOUS 493 00:24:19,724 --> 00:24:22,227 AND VERY REFRESHING! 494 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,595 YOU KNOW WHAT? 495 00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:27,833 LET'S JUST, I DON'T KNOW, AERATE IT. 496 00:24:27,899 --> 00:24:34,306 ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE DO YOU AERATE YOU 497 00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:36,808 CONSUME? 498 00:24:36,875 --> 00:24:37,442 >> MARSHMALLOWS. 499 00:24:37,509 --> 00:24:38,443 YOU'RATE MARSHMALLOWS? 500 00:24:38,510 --> 00:24:43,682 >> Stephen: THEY'RE MOSTLY AIR, IT'S FOAM. 501 00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:45,417 MIRANGUE IS MOSTLY AIR. 502 00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:50,155 HAVE YOU EVER WHIPPED EGG WHITES, MY FRIEND? 503 00:24:50,222 --> 00:24:52,357 >> SORRY, MISS JULIA CHILD, I HAVE NOT. 504 00:24:52,424 --> 00:24:56,461 I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GOING TO BE ON YOUR TEST. 505 00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:59,164 HAVE YOU EVER MADE MIRANGUE? 506 00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:01,466 I BET YOU DIDN'T HAVE TOM HANKS! 507 00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:03,301 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NEXT TIME, I WILL 508 00:25:03,368 --> 00:25:06,204 ASK HANKS IF HE EVER MADE MIRANGUE. 509 00:25:06,271 --> 00:25:07,105 >> FLAT WATER IS CORRECT. 510 00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:10,575 >> Stephen: WELL, IT IS YOUR CHOICE. 511 00:25:10,642 --> 00:25:13,445 >> FLAT WATER OR -- >> Stephen: OKAY. 512 00:25:13,511 --> 00:25:15,814 WHO'S FOR FLAG? 513 00:25:15,881 --> 00:25:19,818 ( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, FLAT? 514 00:25:19,885 --> 00:25:25,457 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SPARKLING 515 00:25:25,523 --> 00:25:27,459 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING? 516 00:25:27,525 --> 00:25:28,526 >> Stephen: YEAH. 517 00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:32,197 IT'S NOT THAT IT'S MORE PEOPLE, IT'S ALL THAT EXCESS 518 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:32,731 AIR. 519 00:25:32,797 --> 00:25:33,899 >> Stephen: COULD BE. 520 00:25:33,965 --> 00:25:36,835 AND THEY INGEST IT AND WHEN THEY YELL AT IT IT COMES OUT. 521 00:25:36,902 --> 00:25:39,037 >> Stephen: ONE QUESTION, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO YOU 522 00:25:39,104 --> 00:25:43,008 FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? 523 00:25:43,074 --> 00:25:48,046 >> OH, DEAR GOD, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN -- THAT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE -- 524 00:25:48,113 --> 00:25:48,780 >> Stephen: I KNOW. 525 00:25:48,847 --> 00:25:49,447 IT'S NOT ME. 526 00:25:49,514 --> 00:25:50,782 IT'S THE LAB. 527 00:25:50,849 --> 00:25:53,451 I WOULDN'T ASK YOU THIS BUT THEY SAY I HAVE TO. 528 00:25:53,518 --> 00:26:02,327 >> THIS IS A TORTUROUS -- IT'S A QUESTION THAT CAN ONLY BRING 529 00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:03,428 SADNESS. 530 00:26:03,495 --> 00:26:06,498 >> Stephen: I ASKED RINGO AND HE SAID "COME TOGETHER." 531 00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:09,467 >> OH, INTERESTING, ONE OF HIS OWN SONGS. 532 00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:10,802 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? 533 00:26:10,869 --> 00:26:14,639 THE SONG I WANT TO LISTEN TO IS THE MIRANGUE SONG, AND I JUST 534 00:26:14,706 --> 00:26:18,944 WROTE IT AND IT GOES LIKE THIS -- 535 00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:22,981 ♪ WHICH THOSE EGGIES, BABY ♪ ♪ . 536 00:26:23,048 --> 00:26:25,784 >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO AT LEAST GIVE ME AN ARTIST. 537 00:26:25,850 --> 00:26:30,055 >> I MEAN, I'D GO SPRINGSTEEN. 538 00:26:30,121 --> 00:26:32,590 >> Stephen: OKAY. 539 00:26:32,657 --> 00:26:33,558 SURPRISING. 540 00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:34,192 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT. 541 00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:35,961 THAT WAS OUT OF LEFT FIELD. 542 00:26:36,027 --> 00:26:37,963 ANY PARTICULAR SPRINGSTEEN SONG? 543 00:26:38,029 --> 00:26:48,039 >> I'M GOING TO GO "LOST IN THE FLOOD," YEAH, "DEEP CUT." 544 00:26:48,106 --> 00:27:01,453 ISLAND OF OPEN DREAMS ," OR" LOST IN THE FLOOD ." 545 00:27:01,519 --> 00:27:03,755 ROSALIETA. 546 00:27:03,822 --> 00:27:06,591 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 547 00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:08,660 >> WHATEVER NUMBER IT IS, THE TIME THAT YOU ALL ARE GOING TO 548 00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:13,465 HAVE TO STAY LATE TO EDIT THIS PIECE OF ( BLEEP ). 549 00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:19,070 >> Stephen: INFINITY, THEN, IS THE NUMBER YOU'RE THINKING OF. 550 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:20,472 ( LAUGHTER ) DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 551 00:27:20,538 --> 00:27:23,775 IN FIVE WORDS. 552 00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:26,678 >> HOPEFULLY QUITE QUITE QUITE LONG. 553 00:27:26,745 --> 00:27:29,080 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: JON STEWART, YOU 554 00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:31,649 ARE KNOWN. 555 00:27:31,716 --> 00:27:32,584 CONGRATULATIONS. 556 00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:35,787 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 557 00:27:35,854 --> 00:27:37,422 JON STEWART, EVERYBODY! 558 00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:00,111 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 559 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:08,753 WELCOME BACK! 560 00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:11,056 >> Stephen: HEY, GUYS. 561 00:28:11,122 --> 00:28:15,260 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OCTOBER HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST 562 00:28:15,326 --> 00:28:19,531 POPULAR MONTHS TO GET MARRIED. 563 00:28:19,597 --> 00:28:21,032 THAT'S WHEN EVIE AND I GOT MARRIED. 564 00:28:21,099 --> 00:28:22,300 AND THIS YEAR, IT'S WEDDING SEASON LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT 565 00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:26,538 BEFORE BECAUSE WEDDINGS ARE ROARING BACK AFTER A PANDEMIC 566 00:28:26,604 --> 00:28:28,807 INDUCED SLUMP. 567 00:28:28,873 --> 00:28:32,077 AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS IN QUARANTINE, PEOPLE ARE SAYING I 568 00:28:32,143 --> 00:28:33,044 BETTER SEAL THIS DEAL. 569 00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:35,580 YOU'VE SEEN ME USE MY SWEATPANTS AS OVEN MITTS. 570 00:28:35,647 --> 00:28:38,783 MILLIONS OF WEDDINGS CANCELLED BY COVID ARE NOW HITTING ALL AT 571 00:28:38,850 --> 00:28:41,286 ONCE, LEADING THE ATLANTIC TO DECLARE THAT WEDDING SEASON 2021 572 00:28:41,352 --> 00:28:44,823 IS A PERFECT STORM. 573 00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:50,662 WHICH, BY THE WAY, I DO NOT RECOMMEND AS A WEDDING THEME. 574 00:28:50,728 --> 00:28:52,997 THE NUPTIAL CRUSH IS SO BAD WEDDING VENUES ARE COMPLETELY 575 00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:56,267 BOOKED FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS. 576 00:28:56,334 --> 00:28:58,636 PLANNERS AREN'T TAKING ON ANY NEW COUPLES, AND CATERERS ARE 577 00:28:58,703 --> 00:29:00,805 RUNNING SHORT OF APPETIZERS IN HIGH DEMAND. 578 00:29:00,872 --> 00:29:04,876 SO, IF YOU GET INVITED TO A WEDDING, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF 579 00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:11,149 YOU'RE ASKED TO CHOOSE YOUR ENTREE BETWEEN 580 00:29:11,216 --> 00:29:12,817 PIRATES' BOOTY, SLIM JIMS, OR THE VEGAN OPTION: 581 00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:14,986 FRUIT BY THE FOOT. 582 00:29:15,053 --> 00:29:16,187 ( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN IF YOU CAN GET A 583 00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:20,492 CATERER, GOOD LUCK WITH FLOWERS BECAUSE SOME FLOWER FARMERS, 584 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:25,830 HAVE SOLD THEIR FARMS OR CONVERTED TO GROWING MARIJUANA. 585 00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:28,800 SOME FLOWER FARMERS HAVE SOLD THEIR FARMS OR CONVERTED TO 586 00:29:28,867 --> 00:29:31,102 GROWING MARIJUANA. 587 00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:32,837 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO 588 00:29:32,904 --> 00:29:39,177 UNUSUALLY VIGOROUS FIGHTS FOR THE BOUQUET. 589 00:29:39,244 --> 00:29:40,411 ( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, THINGS ARE SO BAD, THE 590 00:29:40,478 --> 00:29:41,846 NEW YORK TIMES IS WONDERING OMINOUSLY: 591 00:29:41,913 --> 00:29:44,415 WHERE ARE ALL THE WEDDING DJS? 592 00:29:44,482 --> 00:29:48,186 ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE DOING COKE IN THEIR 593 00:29:48,253 --> 00:29:49,454 PONTIAC AZTEK WITH THE MAID OF HONOR? 594 00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:52,790 WHERE THE (BLEEP) DO YOU THINK THEY ARE? 595 00:29:52,857 --> 00:29:54,893 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL GIAMATTI. 596 00:30:05,103 --> 00:30:11,543 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 597 00:30:11,609 --> 00:30:13,378 >> Stephen: HEY, FOLKS! 598 00:30:13,444 --> 00:30:17,382 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 599 00:30:17,448 --> 00:30:21,452 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND GOLDEN 600 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:24,522 GLOBE WINNER YOU KNOW BEST FROM "JOHNADAMS," "CINDERELLA MAN" AN 601 00:30:24,589 --> 00:30:25,557 "SIDEWAYS." 602 00:30:25,623 --> 00:30:28,660 HE CURRENTLY STARS AS CHUCK RHOADES IN "BILLIONS." 603 00:30:28,726 --> 00:30:33,831 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, PAUL GIAMATTI 604 00:30:33,898 --> 00:30:43,875 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 605 00:30:43,942 --> 00:30:51,716 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 606 00:30:51,783 --> 00:30:52,383 >> AMAZING! 607 00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:53,384 >> Stephen: HI, PAUL GIAMATTI. 608 00:30:53,451 --> 00:30:58,122 NICE TOO SEE YOU IS THAT NICE TOO SEE YOU AGAIN. 609 00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:01,893 IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU IN PERSON. 610 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:07,232 WE TALKED OVER ZOOM IN THE COVID INTERVIEWS WHICH HAD THEIR OWN 611 00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:08,233 CHARM. 612 00:31:08,299 --> 00:31:13,404 >> YES IS THAT CREATIVE MOMENTS UNDER PRESSURE. 613 00:31:13,471 --> 00:31:15,540 >> YES. 614 00:31:15,607 --> 00:31:17,008 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. 615 00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:18,176 QUITE INVIGORATING. 616 00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:21,412 >> Stephen: YOU'VE DONE IT ALL, COMEDY, TRAGEDY, TV, FILM, 617 00:31:21,479 --> 00:31:21,879 STAGE. 618 00:31:21,946 --> 00:31:24,916 >> SURE. 619 00:31:24,983 --> 00:31:27,986 >> Stephen: WHEN DID PAUL GIAMATTI SAY I'M GOING TO CHECK 620 00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:28,920 THAT OUT? 621 00:31:28,987 --> 00:31:31,189 >> I REMEMBER DOING SOMETHING IN HIGH SCHOOL. 622 00:31:31,256 --> 00:31:35,293 I KIND OF ACCIDENTALLY ENDED UP IN A PLAY BECAUSE A GUY I KNEW 623 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:37,462 THOUGHT I WAS A FUNNY GUY, SO HE SAID, WILL YOU BE IN THIS PLAY 624 00:31:37,528 --> 00:31:38,663 WITH ME? 625 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:41,899 IT WAS A GOOFY PLAY WHERE WE PLAYED 30 DIFFERENT CHARACTERS. 626 00:31:41,966 --> 00:31:43,301 I FELL INTO IT. 627 00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:48,339 IT WAS ACCIDENTAL AND I LOVED IT AND I HAD A GREAT TIME, YEAH. 628 00:31:48,406 --> 00:31:52,910 >> Stephen: SO 1995 WAS THE DEBUT OF YOU ON BROADWAY, RIGHT? 629 00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:54,379 >> I THINK SO, YEAH. 630 00:31:54,445 --> 00:31:56,948 >> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE PLAY WAS? 631 00:31:57,015 --> 00:31:59,550 >> "AIR DADEIA," I WAS A TIME STOPPER PLAY. 632 00:31:59,617 --> 00:32:04,255 >> Stephen: REALLY. 633 00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:08,660 BILLY KRUDUP WAS IN IT. 634 00:32:08,726 --> 00:32:12,063 >> Stephen: VICTOR GARBER. 635 00:32:12,130 --> 00:32:12,797 THAT'S RIGHT. 636 00:32:12,864 --> 00:32:15,800 >> Stephen: ROBERT SEAN LEONARD. 637 00:32:15,867 --> 00:32:17,335 >> AND ME -- AND ME. 638 00:32:17,402 --> 00:32:18,903 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO WAY! 639 00:32:18,970 --> 00:32:23,808 THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PRODUCTIONS OF ALL TIME! 640 00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:26,778 >> THAT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PRODUCTIONS OF ALL TIME AND YOU 641 00:32:26,844 --> 00:32:27,879 HAD NO IDEA I WAS IN IT. 642 00:32:27,945 --> 00:32:30,214 >> Stephen: AND THEN THERE'S A GIRL. 643 00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:33,518 >> OH, SURE, THERE'S THE GIRL, ABSOLUTELY, YEAH. 644 00:32:33,584 --> 00:32:35,019 THERE'S A MILLION PEOPLE IN IT. 645 00:32:35,086 --> 00:32:36,654 SO MANY PEOPLE. 646 00:32:36,721 --> 00:32:38,156 YOU LOSE SIGHT OF ME. 647 00:32:38,222 --> 00:32:40,258 >> Stephen: THERE WAS ONLY EIGHT. 648 00:32:40,325 --> 00:32:42,994 >> YEAH, EIGHT. 649 00:32:43,061 --> 00:32:45,196 >> Stephen: WHO DID YOU PLAY? 650 00:32:45,263 --> 00:32:50,401 I PLAYED THE GUY, THE POET THAT GETS KILLED. 651 00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:54,505 >> Stephen: IN THE -- IN THE DUEL. 652 00:32:54,572 --> 00:32:59,977 NONE OF THIS REGISTERED WITH YOU. 653 00:33:00,044 --> 00:33:01,412 KRUDUP KILLS ME IN A DUEL. 654 00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:08,052 >> Stephen: I LOVED YOUR WORK. 655 00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:10,254 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 656 00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:13,224 I SWEAR TO GOD. 657 00:33:13,291 --> 00:33:14,058 >> YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE. 658 00:33:14,125 --> 00:33:16,461 >> Stephen: I'M TRULY A FAN OF YOURS. 659 00:33:16,527 --> 00:33:17,695 I AM. 660 00:33:17,762 --> 00:33:20,932 I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS MISSING -- >> WHEN DID YOU CATCH SIGHT OF 661 00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:21,699 ME? 662 00:33:21,766 --> 00:33:23,468 >> Stephen: SOME TIME AFTER THAT. 663 00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:27,472 YOU SHOWED UP AT AN UNLIKELY PLACE THIS SUMMER AS THE VOICE 664 00:33:27,538 --> 00:33:29,040 IN A BURGER KING COMMERCIAL. 665 00:33:29,107 --> 00:33:30,241 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 666 00:33:30,308 --> 00:33:37,215 >> Stephen: AS THE VOICE OF THE BURGER KING'S REGRET, RIGHT? 667 00:33:37,281 --> 00:33:39,183 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 668 00:33:39,250 --> 00:33:43,388 BURGER KING'S HAVING A NIGHTMARE. 669 00:33:43,454 --> 00:33:46,257 >> Stephen: THEY SAID, WE WERE LOOKING FOR THE VOICE OF THE 670 00:33:46,324 --> 00:33:54,599 BURGER KING'S REGRET AND PAUL WAS JUST PERFECT. 671 00:33:54,665 --> 00:33:56,801 >> I AM DEFINITELY THE INTERNATIONAL VOICE OF REGRET. 672 00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:59,370 I FIT IN ANYWHERE THERE'S REGRET. 673 00:33:59,437 --> 00:34:04,242 >> Stephen: I'VE DIPPED MY LADLE IN THAT RIVER OF CASH OF 674 00:34:04,308 --> 00:34:05,710 NATIONAL COMMERCIALS. 675 00:34:05,777 --> 00:34:07,745 >> I'M THRILLED TO BE DOING BURGER KING. 676 00:34:07,812 --> 00:34:12,717 >> Stephen: AND I PUSHED IN PISTACHIOS VERY HARD. 677 00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:15,620 PROBABLY COULD HAVE ALL I WANT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. 678 00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:20,191 IS THERE A BIG PERK FOR BEING THE BURGER DING GUY? 679 00:34:20,258 --> 00:34:23,060 >> THAT'S INTERESTING, AFTER I DID IT AND I WAS VERY PLEASED TO 680 00:34:23,127 --> 00:34:29,300 DO IT, I CALLED UP MY AGENT AND AS A JOKE, I SAID, DO I GET FREE 681 00:34:29,367 --> 00:34:31,402 BURGER KING FOR LIFE? 682 00:34:31,469 --> 00:34:33,171 SHE SAID, I'LL ASK. 683 00:34:33,237 --> 00:34:36,040 I WAS LIKE, OKAY, I WAS KIDDING BUT OKAY. 684 00:34:36,107 --> 00:34:41,212 NEXT THING I KNOW, A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER, I GET A FED EX 685 00:34:41,279 --> 00:34:42,413 PACKAGE. 686 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,883 OH, YOUR, AND I RIP THAT BABY OPEN, LOOK INSIDE, CAN'T SEE, 687 00:34:45,950 --> 00:34:51,255 AND I REACHED DOWN THERE AND ALL THAT'S IN THERE, NO MESSAGES, 688 00:34:51,322 --> 00:34:57,195 NOTHING, IS THIS LITTLE TITANIUM, BEAUTIFULLY FINISHED 689 00:34:57,261 --> 00:35:00,798 BLACK CREDIT CARD, SMOOTH, AND IT'S GOT THIS EMBOSSED BLACK 690 00:35:00,865 --> 00:35:05,169 CROWN ON IT AND IT SAYS NOTHING ON IT. 691 00:35:05,236 --> 00:35:09,207 AND I WAS, LIKE, HOLY ( BLEEP I HAVE A BURGER KING FOR LIFE 692 00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:10,441 CARD. 693 00:35:10,508 --> 00:35:13,211 I WAS LIKE, HOLY ( BLEEP )! 694 00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:15,580 I WAS LIKE ( BLEEP )! 695 00:35:15,646 --> 00:35:19,350 >> Stephen: CAN'T BE A LOT OF THOSE IN CIRCULATION. 696 00:35:19,417 --> 00:35:20,952 >> WAIT A MINUTE. 697 00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:25,923 SO MY GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE, HOLY (BLEEP), YOU GOT A BURGER KING 698 00:35:25,990 --> 00:35:26,924 FOR LIFE CARD. 699 00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:30,928 SO WE LOOKED IT UP AND IN FACT THE THING EXISTS. 700 00:35:30,995 --> 00:35:32,129 ONLY 12 PEOPLE HAVE IT. 701 00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:35,399 GEORGE LUCAS, YOU KNOW, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., JENNIFER HUDSON, 702 00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:37,201 HUGH LAURIE, THEY HAVE IT. 703 00:35:37,268 --> 00:35:41,205 I'M SITTING HERE THINKING I'M GOING TO CALL A MEETING OF ALL 704 00:35:41,272 --> 00:35:46,244 THE TIME, I HAVE THE RIGHT NOW TO GATHER US ALL AND WIPE BURGER 705 00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:47,178 KING OUT. 706 00:35:47,245 --> 00:35:50,114 WE COULD GO OUT AND JUST SOLVE WORLD HUNGER. 707 00:35:50,181 --> 00:35:55,319 I'M GOING TO BUY EVERYBODY BURGER KING SANDWICHES. 708 00:35:55,386 --> 00:35:56,521 I'M CALLING EVERYBODY. 709 00:35:56,587 --> 00:36:05,229 I'M TELLING MY SON, I HAVE A BURGER KING FOR LIFE CARD, BOY! 710 00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:07,331 I'M BRINGING THE BURGERS HOME, SON! 711 00:36:07,398 --> 00:36:09,200 I WAS SO ( BLEEP ) EXCITED. 712 00:36:09,267 --> 00:36:10,968 I WAS UP ALL NIGHT. 713 00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:15,873 THE NEXT THING I WOKE UP AND ALL I COULD DO IS STARE AT IT, FEEL 714 00:36:15,940 --> 00:36:17,341 THE HEFT OF IT AND THE FINISH. 715 00:36:17,408 --> 00:36:19,577 >> Stephen: AND THE RESPONSIBILITY. 716 00:36:19,644 --> 00:36:20,745 >> THE HEAVY RESPONSIBLE. 717 00:36:20,811 --> 00:36:23,714 THEN I LOOK AND THERE'S TINY WRITING ON THE BACK. 718 00:36:23,781 --> 00:36:25,783 AND I'M, LIKE, OH, THIS MUST BE THE END. 719 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,752 THIS IS THE THING. 720 00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:33,224 SO I GO TO THE WEB SITE, ENTER THE SALARY NUMBER, AND IT TURNS 721 00:36:33,291 --> 00:36:43,634 OUT IT'S A ( BLEEP ) $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE. 722 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:46,938 ( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE NEVER FALLEN SO FAR AND 723 00:36:47,004 --> 00:36:48,139 HARD AND FAST. 724 00:36:48,205 --> 00:36:53,477 I HAD TO CALL MY SON AND BE, LIKE, IT'S NOT A BURGER KING FOR 725 00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:54,145 LIFE. 726 00:36:54,211 --> 00:36:56,213 I SAID, I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU. 727 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,415 >> Stephen: DEPENDING ON HOW QUICKLY YOU ORDER IT, IT COULD 728 00:36:57,481 --> 00:36:58,583 BE FOR LIFE. 729 00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:03,721 MY PLAN IS TO GO EVERY NOW AND THEN FOR HOWEVER LONG I HAVE 730 00:37:03,788 --> 00:37:07,558 LEFT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH AND GET MYSELF A WHOPPER AND I'M 731 00:37:07,625 --> 00:37:11,062 GOING TO STRETCH THAT THING OUT AND IT'S LIKE I HAVE A BURGER 732 00:37:11,128 --> 00:37:11,963 KING FOR LIFE CARD. 733 00:37:12,029 --> 00:37:14,265 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 734 00:37:14,332 --> 00:37:16,500 WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE PAUL GIAMATTI. 735 00:37:36,787 --> 00:37:37,922 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 736 00:37:37,989 --> 00:37:41,759 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "BILLIONS" ON SHOWTIME, MR. PAUL 737 00:37:41,826 --> 00:37:42,393 GIAMATTI. 738 00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:45,196 FIFTH SEASON OF "BILLIONS." 739 00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:46,297 >> YES. 740 00:37:46,364 --> 00:37:49,467 >> Stephen: YOU GUYS WERE HALFWAY THROUGH A SEASON IN 741 00:37:49,533 --> 00:37:50,167 2020. 742 00:37:50,234 --> 00:37:51,469 >> WE GOT TO THE EIGHTH EPISODE. 743 00:37:51,535 --> 00:37:54,372 >> Stephen: EIGHT OF -- TWELVE. 744 00:37:54,438 --> 00:37:56,941 >> Stephen: AND, SO, HOW LONG WAS IT THAT YOU JUST SHUT DOWN 745 00:37:57,008 --> 00:38:00,444 AND LEFT WITHOUT -- >> SURE, EVERYBODY SHUT DOWN AND 746 00:38:00,511 --> 00:38:01,512 LEFT. 747 00:38:01,579 --> 00:38:02,980 >> Stephen: HOW LONG -- IT WAS A YEAR BEFORE WE CAME 748 00:38:03,047 --> 00:38:03,948 BACK. 749 00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:06,550 WE SHUT DOWN MARCH NINTH AND RETURNED MARCH 1. 750 00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:07,785 SO ALMOST EXACTLY A YEAR. 751 00:38:07,852 --> 00:38:11,389 AND WE CAME BACK TO THE MIDDLE OF THE EIGHTH EPISODE THAT WE'D 752 00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:12,289 BEEN SHOOTING, ALREADY. 753 00:38:12,356 --> 00:38:14,358 >> Stephen: LITERALLY PICKED IT UP. 754 00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:16,861 DID ANYBODY CHANGE HAIRCUTS OR ANYTHING? 755 00:38:16,927 --> 00:38:19,263 >> YEAH, I CHANGED MY BEARD, DID ALL KINDS OF THINGS. 756 00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:24,935 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN - IT'S FUNNY, IT'S VERY 757 00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:27,138 OFFHANDEDLY ACKNOWLEDGED -- >> Stephen: YOU SHAVED. 758 00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:29,073 YEAH, NICE NEW LOOK. 759 00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,641 ( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOT THAT, FINISHED SHOOTING 760 00:38:30,708 --> 00:38:34,211 THAT SEASON, AND THAT'S ON NOW, AND THEN WE WENT RIGHT INTO 761 00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:36,180 DOING THE SIXTH SEASON. 762 00:38:36,247 --> 00:38:42,787 SO WE'RE DOING THE SIXTH SEASON NOW AND THAT'S GOING TO END IN 763 00:38:42,853 --> 00:38:43,954 DECEMBER OR SOMETHING. 764 00:38:44,021 --> 00:38:46,757 >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE YOU WERE DOING A LOT OF 765 00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:47,758 DRAWING. 766 00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:48,826 >> YES. 767 00:38:48,893 --> 00:38:54,565 >> Stephen: AND I ASKED YOU -- THIS BEAUTIFUL SORT OF 768 00:38:54,632 --> 00:38:58,069 CARICATURE, VERY DETAILED CARICATURE WORK, THAT'S WHAT I 769 00:38:58,135 --> 00:38:58,769 WOULD CALL IT. 770 00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,438 IS THAT AN INSULT TO YOU? 771 00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:02,106 >> NO, THAT'S NOT AN INSULT. 772 00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:05,710 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, I WOULD CALL IT EXTREME DOODLING. 773 00:39:05,776 --> 00:39:11,315 >> Stephen: AND I ASKED IF YOU WOULD DO ME ONE AND YOU DID IT. 774 00:39:11,382 --> 00:39:14,952 I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT. 775 00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:17,421 ANYTHING I NEED TO KNOW. 776 00:39:17,488 --> 00:39:22,460 >> NO, IF YOU TELL ME TO DRAW A HORSE, I CAN'T DO IT. 777 00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:26,097 I DRAW A NOSE AND BUILD AROUND IT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M 778 00:39:26,163 --> 00:39:28,299 GOING TO END UP DRAWING. 779 00:39:28,365 --> 00:39:32,570 SO I DREW YOU A VERY RANDOM THING. 780 00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:35,940 >> Stephen: OH... 781 00:39:36,006 --> 00:39:39,410 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S A WEREWOLF 782 00:39:39,477 --> 00:39:40,044 BUSINESSMAN. 783 00:39:40,111 --> 00:39:40,578 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS. 784 00:39:40,644 --> 00:39:42,813 >> Stephen: I LOVE IT. 785 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:47,017 IT'S LIKE BILLIONAIRE WOLF MAN. 786 00:39:47,084 --> 00:39:55,493 >> Stephen: OR, LIKE, ALMOST EBENEZER SCROOGE PLAYED BY 787 00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:56,694 LON CHENEY. 788 00:39:56,761 --> 00:39:59,029 >> HE LOOKED A LITTLE LIKE WAW QUEEN PHOENIX WHEN I FINISHED 789 00:39:59,096 --> 00:39:59,663 IT. 790 00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:01,465 >> Stephen: ON A ROUGH DAY. 791 00:40:01,532 --> 00:40:02,633 A ROUGH DAY. 792 00:40:02,700 --> 00:40:05,469 >> Stephen: PAUL GIAMATTI, WHAT A LOVELY THING TO HAVE YOU 793 00:40:05,536 --> 00:40:06,103 HERE. 794 00:40:06,170 --> 00:40:06,971 >> OH, IT'S A HUGE PLEASURE. 795 00:40:07,037 --> 00:40:10,808 >> Stephen: I'VE LOVED YOU EVER SINCE -- 796 00:40:10,875 --> 00:40:12,610 ( LAUGHTER ) I SAW YOU ON -- 797 00:40:12,676 --> 00:40:14,512 >> THE BURGER KING COMMERCIAL! 798 00:40:14,578 --> 00:40:16,647 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU, PAUL. 799 00:40:16,714 --> 00:40:17,915 THANK YOU. 800 00:40:17,982 --> 00:40:19,150 >> LOVELY TO SEE YOU. 801 00:40:19,216 --> 00:40:20,084 >> STEPHEN: THE SEASON FINALE OF "BILLIONS" AIRS THIS SUNDAY ON 802 00:40:20,151 --> 00:40:20,684 SHOWTIME. 803 00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:23,921 PAUL GIAMATTI, EVERYBODY! 804 00:40:23,988 --> 00:40:25,156 GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 805 00:40:25,222 --> 00:40:27,758 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE DREW CAREY AND PHOEBE 806 00:40:27,825 --> 00:40:28,492 ROBINSON. 807 00:40:28,559 --> 00:40:29,894 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 808 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:30,661 GOODNIGHT. 809 00:40:30,728 --> 00:40:32,029 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪