>> FLORIDA'S REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR
RON DeSANTIS ANNOUNCING THE STATE'S NEW SURGEON GENERAL
DR. JOSEPH LADAPO.
>> HE'S ANTIMASK, HE'S VACCINE THESE AMERICA'S FRONTLINE
DOCTORS' EVENTS WITH, FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THE DEMON
SPERM DOCTOR.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON, I'M PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO BE WITH Y'ALL
TODAY TO ANNOUNCE THAT DR. JOSEPH LADAPO WILL BE
SUCCEEDING DR. SCOTT RIFKIN AS SURGEON GENERAL OF THE STATE OF
FLORIDA.
ADDITIONALLY, I'VE GOT SOME OTHER EQUALLY APPROPRIATE
APPOINTMENTS TO SHARE WITH YOU TODAY.
FOR SECRETARY OF ENERGY, MERLE RODNEY.
>> DON'T TRY TO -- FOR SECRETARY OF FISH AND
WILDLIFE, NED TURNHILL.
AND FOR SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION, I HAVE APPOINTED
CHET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( BLEEP ).
>> THANK YOU.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE PRESENT THEM TO MY NEWLY
APPOINTED PRESS SECRETARY.
( SPEAKING IN TONGUES ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, OKAY, BREWSTER, PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES ANDERSON
COOPER, AND MUSICAL GUEST JOHN MAYER.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY!
HEY, I HAVE MISSED THIS!
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL HERE, OUT THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- WE ARE 18 MONTHS INTO THIS CORONAVIRUS PARTY, AND I THINK I
SPEAK FOR A LOT OF US WHEN I SAY, "BARKEEP, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER
ROUND OF SHOTS?" AND WE'RE GETTING THEM, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY THE F.D.A. AUTHORIZED PFIZER BOOSTER SHOTS FOR
AMERICANS 65 AND OLDER.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
AND TO MAKE SURE ONLY SENIORS GET THE SHOT, THE VACCINATION
SITE IS A DENNY'S BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 3:00 AND 4:15.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PASSWORD IS "I MISS PAY
PHONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ALONG WITH SENIORS, THE AGENCY
OKAYED BOOSTERS FOR THOSE IN WORKPLACES WITH HIGH EXPOSURE
RISK, AND "THOSE WITH HIGH-RISK CONDITIONS."
YOU KNOW, LIKE DIABETES, OR LIVING IN FLORIDA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST FLORIDA.
MORE ON THAT LATER -- OR EARLIER, ONE OF THE TWO.
IT'S NOT JUST SENIORS LINING UP FOR SHOTS.
THIS WEEK PFIZER ANNOUNCED THAT ITS COVID-19 VACCINE WORKS IN
KIDS AGES 5-11.
FINALLY, OUR CHILDREN WILL BE SAFE FROM COVID.
SO THEY CAN GO BACK TO SPREADING EVERY OTHER DISEASE KNOWN TO
MAN.
THEY'RE ADORABLE CESSPOOLS.
( LAUGHTER ) EXPERTS ESTIMATE THAT MILLIONS
OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS COULD BEGIN TO RECEIVE SHOTS
AROUND HALLOWEEN.
KIDS CAN'T GET THE SAME DOSE AS ADULTS, SO THIS HALLOWEEN, GET
READY FOR P-FUN SIZE P-FIZER.
BUT PARENTS, DON'T FORGET TO CHECK THE NEEDLES TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S NOT A RAZOR IN THERE.
NOT ENOUGH AMERICANS ARE GETTING VACCINATED BECAUSE OF ALL THE
BAD ADVICE OUT THERE.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DISINFORMATION STATION."
>> I LIKE BIG BALLS AND I ALSO LIE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: TONIGHT'S WHOPPER
COMES FROM DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND
MAN WEARING HALLOWEEN MASK OF MICHAEL FLYNN, MICHAEL FLYNN.
ON TUESDAY, FLYNN APPEARED ON A RIGHT-WING PODCAST AND SPREAD
THIS BIT OF INSANITY: >> SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING THIS
MORNING WHERE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT PUTTING THE VACCINE INTO
SALAD DRESSING, OR SALADS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
>> Stephen: YES!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
>> STEPHEN: NOPE.
CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
BUT THEN AGAIN, I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO "SOMEBODY SENT ME A
THING MAGAZINE."
SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING!
THAT'S HOW HE LEADS OFF.
THIS MAN USED TO BE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.
IN HIS ADVISORY CAPACITY, I WONDER IF HE EVER WALKED INTO
THE OVAL OFFICE AND SAID "MR.
PRESIDENT, SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING."
AND, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
FLYNN CLAIMS THAT THE GOVERNMENT'S PLAN IS TO SNEAK
THE VACCINES INTO AMERICAN FOOD, AND THEIR CHOSEN VESSEL IS
SALAD?
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT IT IN SOMETHING WE ACTUALLY EAT, LIKE
PIZZA HUT'S VAX-LOVER'S PIZZA.
THEY BAKE THE NEEDLE RIGHT INTO THE CRUST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MAN...
I COULD GO FOR A SLICE, ALWAYS.
WHERE DID FLYNN GET THE IDEA?
WELL, IT WAS LIKELY SPAWNED BY A NEW STUDY ABOUT HOW MRNA
VACCINES COULD ONE DAY BE GROWN IN EDIBLE PLANTS SUCH AS
LETTUCE, MEANING THEY COULD BE STORED AT ROOM TEMPERATURE.
YES, THE PERFECT LONG-TERM STORAGE DEVICE: LETTUCE.
NEXT, IT'S GOING TO BE AVOCADOS AND UNREFRIGERATED SHRIMP.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT FACT-CHECKERS HAVE ALREADY
EVALUATED FLYNN'S CLAIM AND DECLARED, THE COVID-19 VACCINE
IS NOT BEING PUT INTO SALAD DRESSING, NOR HAS ANYONE
PROPOSED SUCH A THING.
SO IT'S BEEN DEBUNKED.
BUT I'M STILL SUSPICIOUS.
IF SALAD DRESSINGS ARE SO INNOCENT, HOW COME THEY'RE MADE
IN A HIDDEN VALLEY?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT RANCH SHOULD BE ON TOP OF A
HILL, WHERE WE CAN ALL SEE IT.
IF TRUE, WHO'S BEHIND THIS?
IS IT THE RUSSIANS?
IS IT THE FRENCH?
IS IT THE ITALIANS?
OR IS IT THE CREAMY ITALIANS?
THE ZESTY ITALIANS?
YOU COULD SEARCH A THOUSAND ISLANDS AND NEVER FIND THE
ANSWER.
I PRAY TO GREEN GODDESS THAT IS DOESN'T REWRITE MY D.N.A. AND
MAKE ME A NEW MAN.
I HOPE I DON'T VINAGRETTE GETTING IT.
BLUE CHEESE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
I'M ANGRY!
ANGRY!
AM I?
I'M SUSPICIOUS.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW -- VACCINES AREN'T THE ONLY WAY TO
STAY SAFE.
THERE ARE ALSO MASKS.
AND IN AN EFFORT TO PROTECT NEW YORKERS ON THE SUBWAY, THE
M.T.A. IS GOING TO START ISSUING $50 FINES TO RIDERS NOT WEARING
MASKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, DAMN STRAIGHT, ABOUT DAMN
TIME.
YOU HEAR THAT DID SUBWAY BREAK DANCERS WHO ARE SELLING
SANDWICHES WHILE MASTURBATING?
PUT ON A MASK OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!
SPEAKING OF MASTURBATING, THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY IS THIS
WEEK.
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR WORLD LEADERS TO MEET AND EXCHANGE
INNOVATIVE COVID STRAINS.
GOING INTO IT, THE U.S. AND FRANCE WERE HAVING A BIT OF A
KERFUFFLE.
OR, AS THEY CALL IT IN FRENCH, "UN PETIT KERFOO-FLAY."
IT STARTED LAST WEEK WHEN FRENCH LEADERS GOT MAD ABOUT A DEAL
BETWEEN THE U.S. AND U.K.
TO BUILD NUCLEAR SUBMARINES FOR AUSTRALIA.
NOTHING IS MORE INSULTING TO THE FRENCH THAN BEING LEFT OUT OF A
THREE-WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) FRANCE GOT THEIR PANTALOONS IN A
CHIGNON BECAUSE THEY HAD THEIR OWN DEAL TO BUILD SUBMARINES FOR
AUSTRALIA, BUT THE AUSSIES BACKED OUT, SAYING FRENCH
SUBMARINES WERE INFERIOR TO THE TECHNOLOGY OFFERED BY THE U.S.
AND U.K.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
IT'S TRUE.
THE U.S. HAS AMAZING SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY, AND THE FRENCH ONES
LOOK LIKE THIS: >> BEEP-- HUNGH, HUNGH, HUNGH.
BEEP-- HUNGH, HUNGH, HUNGH.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY VERY LOUD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEY GO STALE, YOU
HAVE TO MAKE THEM INTO CREW TONS THE NEXT DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FEUD WAS SO UGLY THAT FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, THE FRENCH AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
WAS RECALLED TO PARIS.
IN RETALIATION, THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT RECALLED EMILY FROM
PARIS.
ONE GUY WHO LIKED THE SUBMARINE DEAL WAS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER
AND MAN WHOSE MOTHER WAS A HAYSTACK, BORIS JOHNSON.
JOHNSON SPOKE TO THE U.N.
YESTERDAY, AND ADDRESSED THE ISSUE OF CLIMATE CHANGE WITH THE
SERIOUSNESS IT DESERVES.
>> WHEN KERMIT THE FROG-- KERMIT THE FROG SANG "IT'S NOT
EASY BEIN' GREEN"-- YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE?
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, HE WAS WRONG.
HE WAS WRONG.
IT IS EASY.
IT'S NOT ONLY EASY, IT'S LUCRATIVE.
AND IT'S RIGHT TO BE GREEN.
AND HE WAS ALSO UNNECESSARILY RUDE TO MISS PIGGY.
I THOUGHT, KERMIT THE FROG."
>> STEPHEN: (AS BORIS) "WE HAVE BEEN AS CRUEL TO THE
CLIMATE AS STATLER AND WALDORF WERE TO FOZZY BEAR.
REMEMBER THAT EPISODE?
ANIMAL IS BEATING THE DRUMS OF ALARM, AND WE MUST HEED THE
GARBLED RAMBLINGS OF THE SWEDISH CHEF-- HE'S VERY UPSET.
ABOUT SEA-LEVEL RISE!
IF WE DON'T ACT, THINGS WILL GO GONZO.
BUT SOME DAY, WE'LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION.
IN CONCLUSION, MAHNA-MAHNA.
DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO.
MAHNA-MAHNA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, WHAT OTHER SHOWS DO MY SIX
NEWLY-REVEALED CHILDREN LOVE?" JOHNSON WENT ON TO EXPLAIN THAT
ON THE GEOLOGICAL SCALE, HUMANS AS A SPECIES ARE IN THEIR
ADOLESCENCE.
>> WE ARE NOW SWEET 16.
WE HAVE COME TO THAT FATEFUL AGE WHEN WE KNOW ROUGHLY HOW TO
DRIVE AND WE KNOW HOW TO UNLOCK THE DRINKS CABINET, AND TO
ENGAGE IN ALL SORTS OF ACTIVITY THAT IS NOT ONLY POTENTIALLY
EMBARRASSING BUT ALSO TERMINAL.
>> STEPHEN: UNLOCKING THE DRINKS CABINET?
WAY TO MAKE IT RELATABLE, MR. OXFORD.
(POSH ACCENT) "IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR
FIRST ILLICIT KISS WITH THE GOVERNESS AS SHE BRINGS YOU YOUR
CREAM TEA.
YOU FEEL SOMETHING STIR IN YOUR JODHPURS, AND YOU SIMPLY MUST
TELL NIGEL AT THE DUKE'S CHRISTMAS LUNCHEON!
YOU KNOW, CLIMATE CHANGE!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHOO!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
>> Jon: YAY!
>> Stephen: JON, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE, I GOT THE CARDS.
I'M TALKING TO OUR TIER FRIEND ANDERSON COOPER IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ANDERSON COOPER 360.
BABY BLUES.
HE MAY NOT EVEN KNOW THIS.
THIS IS A RED LETTER NIGHT.
THIS IS ANDERSON COOPER'S TENTH APPEARANCE ON "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HE GETS A FREE HOAGIE.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT TO PUNCH HIS CARD.
REMIND ME TO PUNCH HIS CARD BEFORE HE LEAVES, ELSE IT'S NOT
VALID.
CAN'T GIVE HIM THE SANDWICH IF HE LEAVES.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.
YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE IN THE BAND GOT ANY GIGS COMING UP?
>> Jon: GLOBAL CITIZENS FEST.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH!
THIS WEEKEND!
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT THING.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: WHO ALL IS PLAYING.
>> Jon: WE ALL ARE.
>> Stephen: WHO ELSE WILL YOU BE PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR
ARE YOU GOING TO DO YOUR OWN SET.
>> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO DO OUR SET, PERFORMANCES WITH CINDY
LAUPER, LESLIE KARA, CHRIS MARTIN.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> Jon: I THINK THERE'S A GREAT INTRO WE'RE ACTUALLY
CREATING WITH PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE WORLD PLAYING AT THE SAME
TIME.
>> Stephen: ON THE GREAT LAWN.
>> Jon: GREAT LAWN.
>> Stephen: CENTRAL PARK.
>> Jon: SATURDAY.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ON THE WEATHER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BECAUSE THE LAST
TIME YOU AND I WERE TOGETHER ON THE GREAT LAWN WAS FOR THE "WE
LOVE NEW YORK" CONCERT COMING BACK.
AT THE TIME, IT WAS THE HIGHEST HOURLY SINGLE RAINFALL IN THE
HISTORY OF NEW YORK THAT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE A GREAT SHOW AND BRING
SCUBA GEAR.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YES, INDEED IS THAT
TRUE STORY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PORING
OVER THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL NAUTICAL RECORDS TO
DETERMINE THE ROUGH POSITIONS OF THE DAY'S TRENDING SHIPWRECKS.
I THEN USE THE LATEST SONAR TECH TO LOCATE AND FIND THE
ORIENTATION OF THE FINEST SALVAGE SITE.
THEN MY TEAM OF CERTIFIED AND LICENSED COMEDY DIVERS DESCEND
TO THE OCEAN FLOOR AND USE CUTTING EDGE UNDERWATER CAMERAS
TO STITCH TOGETHER THE DETAILED 3D-MODELED HISTORIC ATOSHA
SHIPWRECK SITE OF SATIRICAL OBSERVATIONS THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP NAKED BY THE DOCKS AND
COVERED IN PIRATE TATTOOS, BLAST A STRING OF WHIPPETS, THEN
STAGGER INTO THE FESTERING HUDSON RIVER, WHERE I SLOWLY
SINK THROUGH THE MURK UNTIL I IMPALE MYSELF ON THE RUSTY AXLE
OF A SUNKEN TAXI IN THE TETANUS-LACED CRIME SCENE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.
BUT THAT'S WHAT "MEANWHILE!" GIVES YOU.
MEANWHILE, GRAB YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH THE
LORD, BECAUSE IT'S PUMPKIN SPICE SEASON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PUMPKIN SPICE IS EVERYWHERE THIS
YEAR, FROM PUMPKIN SPICE RAVIOLI, TO BUD LIGHT PUMPKIN
SPICE SELTZER, TO THE ULTIMATE TRAVESTY, PUMPKIN SPICE
CUP-O-NOODLES.
THE PERFECT BLEND OF "AUTUMN" AND "I DON'T GET PAID TILL
FRIDAY."
IF FOOD ISN'T YOUR THING, TRY A PUMPKIN SPICE-SCENTED FACE MASK.
IT HAS NOTES OF NUTMEG, CINNAMON, AND WHATEVER YOU ATE
FOR LUNCH.
MEANWHILE, THIS VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL OF A LITTLE BOY WHO DIDN'T
WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL, SO HE TOOK MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.
>> Stephen: DO NOT PLAY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS WITH HIS
KID!
AND THAT IS CLEARLY NOT HIS FIRST TIME DOING THAT!
LOOK AT HOW HE WHIPS OUT THAT SHIV, AND GUNHHH!
HE JUST ESCAPE FROM BABY PRISON?
AND I THINK HE WANTS IT TO BE ON CAMERA.
HE'S CLEARLY SENDING HIS PARENTS A MESSAGE.
(AS TOUGH GUY) "YOU WANNA SEND ME TO SCHOOL?
YOU'LL BE SLEEPIN' WITH THE GOLDFISHES."
MEANWHILE, IN BASEBALL NEWS, M.M.A. LIGHTWEIGHT SUPERSTAR
CONNOR MCGREGOR THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT A CUBS GAME ON
TUESDAY NIGHT.
AND IT WENT SUPER -- OH, THERE YOU GO.
CONGRATULATIONS, CONNOR, ON SUCCESSFULLY THROWING THE BALL
BACK TO YOUR NATIVE IRELAND.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, FOR THE CUBS, PRETTY GOOD
PITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE -- THERE ARE WHITE SOX
FANS IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.
( CHEERING ) MEANWHILE, THIS PAST SUNDAY...
WE WON AN EMMY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S THIS WAY, RIGHT?
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: YEAH, WHOO!
WHOO WHOO!
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY DID WE WEN AN EMMY, WE WON FASHION
BECAUSE "VARIETY" SAID THAT MY HEAD WRITER ARIEL DUMAS ROCKED
HER PINK AND RED DRESS WITH BLUE ACCESSORIES, WHILE PUREWOW SAID
THAT MY WRITER ELIANA KWARTLER TOTALLY TURNED HEADS IN HER BOLD
FUCHSIA GOWN.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THESE TWO WOMEN LOOK THAT ELEGANT EVERY DAY...
IS WHAT THEY WROTE IN THIS SCRIPT I'M READING.
( LAUGHTER ) SADLY, FOLKS, WE CAN'T HAVE NICE
THINGS ANYMORE.
SADLY, WE CAN'T BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME BECAUSE
THE FASHIONISTAS HAVE GOTTEN THEIR CLAWS OUT, BECAUSE THEY
WERE ALSO INCLUDED IN THE "WORST" PART OF THE LIST FOR:
"2021 EMMY'S RED CARPET ROUND-UP OF 30 MEMORABLE LOOKS FROM WORST
TO BEST," ON THE WEBSITE OF THE WORLD'S PRE-EMINENT FASHION
EXPERTS: BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M.
BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER.
I'VE LONG RELIED ON BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 FM FOR FASHION ADVICE.
AFTER ALL, WHO'S MORE QUALIFIED TO COMMENT ON SOMEONE'S
APPEARANCE, THAN PEOPLE WHO WORK IN RADIO?
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHAT DID BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER
HAVE TO SAY?
APPARENTLY, THEY FELT THAT "THE RED AND PINK DRESS ARIEL DUMAS
IS WEARING WITH AN INDIGO PURSE AND EARRINGS IS JUST TOO MUCH OF
A CLASH," AND "TOO SHINY AND TOO PINK, ELIANA KWARTLER'S DRESS
HURTS OUR EYES."
NO YOU DON'T, BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M., BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER!
YOU COME FOR MY WRITERS, YOU COME FOR ME.
AND YOU BEST NOT MISS.
YOU HAVE NOW TRIGGERED AN EMERGENCY CLAP-BACK EDITION OF
MY EMMY-AWARD WINNING FASHION SEGMENT:
>> "THE LATE CHIC PRESENTS: STEPHEN COLBERT'S SLAY YOUR
FLEEK."
;>> STEPHEN: WE HAVE A BREAKING FLEEK SLAYING.
FIRST OF ALL, BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 FM, HOW DARE YOU MALIGN MY
WRITERS LIKE THIS?
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSIC ROCK'S MOST SACRED MONTH--
ZEPTEMBER?!
SECOND OF ALL, ELIANA AND ARIEL LOOKED EXQUISITE.
THIS BLINDSIDED ME, COMING FROM THE HOME OF STYLE EXPERTS LIKE
AL BECK, GREG BEHARELL, AND OF COURSE, THE ANNA WINTOURS OF
RADIO, DAVE AND CHUCK THE FREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I'M NOT SURPRISED TO HEAR
THIS FROM DAVE, BUT I EXPECTED MORE FROM THE FREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M.
HAS BETRAYED ME, AND I'LL HAVE TO START GETTING MY FASHION
ADVICE FROM SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE WEBSITE OF A MID-TIER
SUBURBAN BOSTON CLASSIC ALT-ROCK RADIO STATION.
IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW, SUNY NEW PALTZ'S WFNP 88.7 "THE EDGE."
DON'T LET ME DOWN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER.
♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A CNN ANCHOR AND "60 MINUTES" CORRESPONDENT.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, ANDERSON COOPER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
THANK YOU, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
YOUR TENTH APPEARANCE ON "THE LATE SHOW."
>> I WAS AMAZED.
>> Stephen: I WAS, TOO.
I WOULD HAVE SAID LIKE THREE.
>> Stephen: AGE CANNOT WITHER NOR CUSTOM STEAL.
YOU'RE ANDERSON COOPER.
IT'S FRESH, ALL THE TIME.
>> WHO -- >> Stephen: SHAKESPEARE, YOU
HEARD OF HIM?
>> YEAH, YEAH, GREAT WORK, I LOVE HIS STUFF.
>> Stephen: JON AND I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW HE AND
THE BAND ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING AT THE GLOBAL CITIZEN --
>> JON PLAYING IN THE PARK SINGING FREEDOM WAS LIKE THE
GREATEST PERFORMANCE I'D SEEN IN A LONG LONG TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS REALLY BLOWN AWAY.
>> Stephen: THE THING IS THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THE PEOPLE MAY
NOT KNOW OR REMEMBER IS THAT, WHILE HALF OF THAT CONCERT GOT
OUT, YOU WEREN'T THE LAST, BARRY MANILOW CAME ON AFTER YOU.
IT STARTED RAINING, HISTORIC FLOODING CAME TO CENTRAL PARK.
AND PEOPLE DON'T NECESSARILY KNOW YOU WERE HOSTING A
FOUR-HOUR BROADCAST ON CNN OF THE CONCERT, THE LAST TWO HOURS
OF WHICH WAS A WET CAMERA POINTED AT AN EMPTY STAGE WHILE
YOU VAMPED ENDLESSLY.
>> FOR HOURS.
THING IS, I GOT THE GIG BECAUSE MY BOSS SAID, YOU KNOW, WE NEED
SOMEWOULD BE TO ANCHOR IN THE STUDIO BECAUSE DON LEMON'S GOING
TO BE THERE AND THEY WERE GOING TO BE DOING IT ALL.
BUT IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS, WILL YOU SIT IN THE ANCHOR
DETECTION?
YEAH, SURE, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CONCERT.
I WAS I'M THERE READING THE NEWSPAPER HOUR AFTER HOUR AND
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CONCERT ENDS TWO HOURS UNEXPECTEDLY AND
THEY'RE, LIKE, YOU'RE ON THE AIR!
I WAS, LIKE, UH, OKAY, LET'S DO THIS!
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE GAME PLAN?
IS THERE SOMEBODY IN YOUR EAR GOING, WE'RE GETTING CARLOS
SANTANA -- >> THANKFULLY, CARLOS SANTANA
GROWTH TO COME IN RIGHT AFTER HIS PERFORMANCE.
WE BANKED AN INTERVIEW WITH CARLOS SANTANA WHICH LITERALLY
HE EXISTS IN ANOTHER REALM.
HE DROPPED IN OUR REALM FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME AND I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HE SAID IN THE INTERVIEW BUT I LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS LIKE LISTENING TO A SHAMAN.
WE ALL WENT ON THE GREAT HUNT OF THE ANTELOPE WITH YOU.
A COMPLETE TRIP.
AND THEN BARRY MANILOW.
>> WE WERE ALL ON PEYOTE AND THEN WE WERE IN THE DESERT --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DID NOT LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS IT STARTED RAINING.
I DON'T LEAVE MY FRIENDS IN A LURCH.
I TURNED TO MY SHOW MEMBER AND SAID DO WE HAVE A NUMBER FOR CNN
BECAUSE I WANT TO JUST KILL TIME BECAUSE I'M WATCHING A MAN DYING
ON TELEVISION.
THIS IS IS A CLIP OF OUR CONVERSATION.
>> GOOD.
I WANT TO SAY, I AM WATCHING HISTORIC BROADCASTING RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I AM ENJOYING THIS MOMENT OF YOU
KILLING TIME OF YOUR SPINNING STRAW INTO GOLD, IT'S ABSOLUTE
CHAOS BACK HERE.
YEAH.
PAUL SIMON HAS BUSTED THE STRINGS OUT OF HIS GUITAR.
HE'S GOTTEN INTO THE GUITAR HOLE.
HE'S CANOEING BACK TO HIS APARTMENT ON 72nd STREET.
>> HEY, CAN I TALK ABOUT THE PHOTO YOU'VE GOT UP OF ME?
DO YOU NOT KNOW ANYBODY WHO KNOWS PHOTO SHOP?
TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF THE LEATHER OFF THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE.
YOU SHOULD GET THIS STUFF AND PUT IT ON A D.V.D. COLLECTION.
YOU HAVE AN HOUR WITH CARLOS SANTANA.
A FOUR AND A HALF INTERVIEW WITH BARRY MANILOW.
>> I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO BECAUSE I KNOW YOU HAVE
IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.
PATTY SMITH IS ON THE LINE.
ARE YOU STILL THERE.
>> Stephen: YES, PLEASE TELL PATTY I'M GOING TO GIVE HER A
RIDE HOME.
SHE'LL HAVE TO UBER BUT I'LL VENMO HER FOR WHATEVER IT COSTS.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD WITH YOU.
>> SERIOUSLY GREAT TELEVISION.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND.
BACK WITH MORE ANDERSON COOPER.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF ANDERSON COOPER 3660, ANDERSON
COOPER.
ANDERSON, YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK NOW, IT IS CALLED "VANDERBILT:
THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMERICAN DYNASTY."
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT, ALSO, THESE ARE YOUR RELATIVES.
>> YES, THEY ARE.
>> Stephen: SOME MAY NOT KNOW.
THAT WAS MY WHOLE PLAN TO NOT HAVE PEOPLE KNOW.
>> Stephen: THAT YOU ARE A VANDERBILT ON YOUR MOTHER'S
SIDE.
>> MY MOTHER WAS GLORIA COOPER, HER FAMILY WAS THE VANDERBILTS.
I JUST AM HER SON.
>> Stephen: YOU NEVER SAW YOURSELF AS A VANDERBILT?
>> NO, AT A YOUNG AGE I LOOKED AT THE VANDERBILTS AND THE
COOPERS WHO WERE FARMERS IN THE DEPRESSION AND HOW THEY ENDED UP
AND LIVED THEIR LIVES, I WAS, LIKE, I'M GOING FOR THE COOPERS,
THAT'S GOING TO BE MY MODEL.
I DON'T THINK ANYTHING GOOD CAN COME OUT OF THE VANDERBILT SIDE.
>> Stephen: HAVING DONE THAT MENTAL AND SPIRITUAL WORK IN
YOUR OWN LIFE TO NOT BE A VANDERBILT, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO
DIG INTO IT NOW.
>> IT WAS FASCINATING.
I REALLY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THEM AND IN TALKING TO MY MOM BEFORE
SHE DIED TWO YEARS AGO, I REALIZED SHE DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, EITHER.
SHE WAS THE LAST VANDERBILT.
SHE WAS SORT OF THE LAST VANDERBILT HER BIRTH AND DEATH
MADE THE TONT PAGE OF THE "NEW YORK TIMES."
SHE'S BORN IN 1924 WHEN THE VANDERBILT RICHES SEEMED ENDLESS
AND SEEMED TO GO ON FOREVER WHICH THEY DID NOT.
>> Stephen: IT FASCINATES ME CORNELIUS VANDERBILT BUILT ONE
OF THE GREATEST FORTUNES OF ALL TIME AND ALL OF IT'S GONE.
>> IT'S BEEN GONE FOR A LONG TIME.
NO ONE KNEW IT, BUT NOW THEY TO.
CORNELIUS VANDERBILT, HE -- HIS STATUE IS OUTSIDE GRAND CENTRAL
STATION, HE FOUNDED IT, 16 ACRES ALL AROUND THERE, I'D LIKE IT
BACK.
WHEN HE DIED IN 1877, HE HAD $100 MILLION, WHICH IS AN INSANE
AMOUNT OF MONEY TODAY, BUT IN 18 UP-- IN 1877, IT BOGGLED THE
IMAGINATION.
ONE OUT OF $20 IN CIRCULATION BELONGED TO VANDERBILT.
HE HAD MORE MONEY THAN THE U.S.
TREASURY.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, ANDERSON HAS AN EXTRAORDINARY
STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER THAT HE HAS NEVER TOLD.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
I AM HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "VANDERBILT: THE RISE AND FALL
OF AN AMERICAN DYNASTY," ANDERSON COOPER.
THE BOOK -- THIS BOOK IS A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO YOUR MOM IN
MANY WAYS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHO PASSED AWAY, AS YOU SAID, IN 2019, AND SHE
WAS A PUBLIC FIGURE FROM THE TIME SHE WAS A BABY.
>> THAT'S HER ON THE COVER WITH HER MOM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GLORIA HER MOTHER AND LITTLE GLORIA.
>> MY MOM WAS THIS AMAZING -- I ALWAYS VIEWED HER FROM THE TIME
I WAS LITTLE, MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS TEN, AND I VIEWED MY MOM
ASETTE, A SPACE ALIEN WHOSE SPACECRAFT CRASHED AND LANDED ON
EARTH AND IT WAS MY JOB FROM TEN ON TO HELP HER RENT APARTMENTS
AND BUY GROCERIES AND HELP HER NAVIGATE MODERN TIMES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO HAVE HER --
>> SHE WAS GREAT.
SHE WAS NOT THE KIND OF MOM WHO, YOU KNOW, DID STUFF FOR YOU,
BUT, UM -- >> Stephen: ONE OF THE
HALLMARKS OF BEING A MOM IS DOING STUFF FOR YOU.
>> THAT'S OVERRATED -- DINNER, MEALS.
WE HAD A LOT OF AQUA VEET IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
>> Stephen: SWEDISH LIQUOR.
YEAH.
DIDN'T TASTE GOOD.
BUT, YEAH, BUT, NO, SHE WAS JUST KIND OF NUTTY.
SHE WOULD COME UP WITH JUST LUDICROUS IDEAS.
I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD THIS ON TV BEFORE, BUT WHEN SHE WASLE 5,
I GET THIS CALL FROM HER AND SHE'S LIKE HONEY, THERE'S
SOMETHING I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, WHICH IN MY MOM'S
VOCABULARY, THAT MEANT, LIKE, I'M REDECORATING THE APARTMENT
AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT AND THEN I'M GOING TO REDECORATE
IT LIKE A WEEK LATER AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT, TOO.
SO I HAD TO STEEL MYSELF.
I WENT TO HER HOUSE AND SAY WHAT IS IT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
SHE SAID, WELL, THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING HAPPENED.
I THOUGHT, MY GOD, WHAT CAN THIS BE.
AND SHE SAID, I WENT TO THE GYNECOLOGIST LAST WEEK -- AND I
THOUGHT, UGH, REALLY?
IT WAS NOT UNLIKE HER TO START A SENTENCE LIKE THAT.
SHE TOLD ME THE MOST AMAZING THING.
SHE TOLD ME, IRK STILL BEAR A CHILD.
WHEN MY MOM SAID THIS STUFF, AS SHE OFTEN DID, YOU COULDN'T BE
NEGATIVE OR REALISTIC AND TELL HER WHAT YOU THOUGHT, AND TALK
SENSE INTO HER, YOU HAD TO BE SUPPORTIVE.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME AN 85-YEAR-OLD WOMAN BORE A CHILD
WAS IN THE OLD TESTAMENT I THINK.
>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
PEOPLE WONDER HOW IN INTERVIEWS I CAN STAY STONE FACE AND LIST
ON THE PEOPLE SAY CRAZY ( BLEEP ) THINGS, I GREW UP WI
GLORIA VANDERBILT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SITTING THERE AND THINK HG,
DON'T BE NEGATIVE, BUT HOW DO I CONVINCE MY 85-YEAR-OLD MOM NOT
TO HAVE A CHILD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THAT'S A QUESTION WE'VE
OFTEN ASKED OURSELVES, I'M SURE, ALL OF YOU HAVE, A VERY
RELATABLE STORY.
I STARTED SAYING THINGS, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL, MOM, I DO, I FIND
THAT FASCINATING AND INCREDIBLE THAT A LICENSED GYNECOLOGIST
TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD HAVE A BABY AT 85.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT.
I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME WITH IT.
>> Stephen: BIG DECISION.
IT'S VERY LABOR INTENSIVE, NO PUN INTENDED, ANDLETS DO SOME
MATH.
LET'S SEE, YOU'RE 85.
WHEN THE CHILD GOES TO COLLEGE, YOU WILL BE, OH, 105.
HOW DOES THAT MATH SOUND TO YOU?
ANYWAY, SHE SAYS TO ME, HONEY, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT HAVING A
CHILD OF MY OWN, I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY, I'MLE 5.
I WAS, LIKE, OH, GREAT, OF COURSE.
I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SHE GOES, WELL, YOU CAN GET AN EGG ANYWHERE TODAY.
AND I WAS THINKING YOU GET AN EGG AND FERTILIZE IT WITH A
SPERM AND I'LL CARRY YOUR CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
SO WE TRIED IT, AND -- ( LAUGHTER )
LITERALLY, I, LIKE -- I WAS JUST STUNNED.
AND I FINALLY SAID TO HER, I WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, MOM, I LOVE
YOU, BUT EVEN FOR YOU, THAT IS JUST BAT ( BLEEP ) CRAZY.
THAT IS JUST NUTS.
THAT IS SO WEIRD ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
THAT KID WOULD BE ON THE FIRST PAGE TO HAVE THE NEW YORK POST
HIS WHOLE LIFE.
TWO YEARS LATER I GET A NEWSPAPER CLIPPING FROM MY MOM
AND THE HEADLINE IS GRANDMOTHER BEARS CHILD FOR SON, AND IT'S
SOME WOMAN, I THINK, IN ITALY WHO IS, I THINK, 65 OR SOMETHING
OR 70, AND IT'S A PHOTO OF HER IN THE LABOR ROOM IN THE
STIRRUPS, AND SHE HAD A GAY SON AND HIS HUSBAND, AND IT WAS THE
HUSBAND'S SPERM THAT FERTILIZED THE EGG THAT HIS PARTNER WAS
CARRYING.
ANYWAY, THE PHOTO IS SHE'S IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WITH HER LEGS
IN A THING AND HER SON AND HIS HUSBAND ARE RIGHT THERE, READY
TO CATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MY MOM HAS CIRCLED IT AND
WRITTEN IN A NOTE, SEE?!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A BAD SON.
YEAH, BAD SON.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A BAD SON.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, THERE'S SO
MUCH MORE TO TALK ABOUT BUT THERE'S NO MORE TIME LEFT.
>> I'M SORRY, THAT WAS A LONG STORY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S FANTASTIC.
ONE OTHER THING, LEGALLY WHEN YOU'RE HERE, WE HAVE TO SHOW AN
ADORABLE PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR SON WYATT RIGHT THERE.
>> HE'S SO GREAT.
>> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU'VE FINALLY EMBRACED THE OTHER HALF
OF YOUR FAMILY BY WRITING ABOUT THE VANDERBILTS WHAT DO YOU HOPE
YOUR SON GOT THAT?
>> MY DAD WROTE A BOOK ABOUT HIS FAMILY GROWING UP IN MISSISSIPPI
AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME BECAUSE HE DIED WHEN I WAS TEN AND HE
WROTE IT AS A LETTER TO MY BROTHER AND I BECAUSE HE KNEW HE
WOULDN'T SEE US GROW UP INTO ADULTHOOD.
I HOPE HE MAKES UP HIS OWN MIND ABOUT HOW THEY LIVED AND THE
CHOICES THEY MADE AND CERTAINLY THE MISTAKES THAT THEY MADE AND
THE CONTRIBUTIONS THAT THEY MADE IN SOME WAYS.
BUT I HOPE HE SEES IT AS SOMETHING FROM HIS, YOU KNOW, A
SMALL PART OF HIS FAMILY'S DISTANT PAST, BUT I HOPE HE
JUST, YOU KNOW, IT'S A STORY FROM HIS PAST, BUT I HOPE HIS
FUTURE HE KNOWS IS HIS TO WRITE FOR HIMSELF AND THAT HE
SHOULDN'T BE BEHOLDEN OR VIEW HIMSELF AS A VANDERBILT, HE
DOESN'T HAVE THAT NAME, THAT'S NOT WHO HE IS, AND HE GETS TO
WRITE HIS OWN STORY MOVING FORWARD.
>> Stephen: ANDERSON, ALWAYS LOVELY TO TALK TO YOU HERE OR ON
THE PHONE.
HIS BOOK, "VANDERBILT: THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMERICAN
DYNASTY," IS AVAILABLE NOW.
ANDERSON COOPER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JOHN MAYER.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ NEVER SEEN THE SUN BEFORE
LAYING ON THE OCEAN FLOOR ♪ WALKING THROUGH THE WILDERNESS
AND LIVING OFF THE LONELINESS OH
♪ WILD BLUE DEEPER THAN I EVER KNEW
♪ WILD BLUE ON A BED OF GREY
♪ OH BABY, WHAT A WILD BLUE I FOUND MYSELF WHEN I LOST YOU
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH ♪ ALL THE TEARS I MEANT TO CRY
DANCE ACROSS THE EVENIN' SKY ♪ AND IN MY SORROW, I CAN SEE
THAT MISSING YOU BELONGS TO ME ♪ OH, WILD BLUE
DEEPER THAN I EVER KNEW ♪ WILD BLUE
ON A BED OF GREY ♪ OH BABY, WHAT A WILD BLUE
I FOUND MYSELF WHEN I LOST YOU ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WILD BLUE
DEEPER THAN I EVER KNEW ♪ IT'S A WILD BLUE
SINCE YOU WENT AWAY ♪ OH BABY, WHAT A WILD BLUE
I FOUND MYSELF WHEN I LOST YOU ♪ AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
THE UNLIKELY BEAUTY IN ♪ LETTING YOU GO ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: JOHN MAYER,
EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.